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Dear Chump Lady, WTF Merry X-mas?!

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merryfuckoffDear Chump Lady,

WTF do we chumps do about X-mas greetings from fucktard ex when they drop kids/collect kids and wish us a “Merry Christmas”? The thought of saying “you too” sticks in my craw and I want to say “Fuck you very much.”

What if it’s a “Season’s Greetings” text or email? Does not responding or giving a hostile response convey the impression that you’re a bitter bitch who hasn’t moved on?

The fact is, I do not wish him a happy X-mas. However, I do not want him to think I am still emotionally stuck where I was for so long after D-day. The pain and anger has subsided, but not so much that I wish him well.

The fact is, I couldn’t give a flying fuck what kind of X-mas he has. Your thoughts would be helpful at this fraught time of year.

Deedee

Dear Deedee,

Ah, the Scrooge trap.

Deedee, I doubt you’re a naturally churlish person who refuses to exchange pleasantries. Your objection isn’t with well wishes for the holiday season. Your objection is him. You object to the discordance of someone who grievously hurt you phonily wishing you a happy holiday.

Having to hand your children over for half the holiday — especially if you’re the person who raises them and does the adult-ing the other 350+ days of the year — feels galling and unjust. If he sucker punched you and smiled “Merry Christmas” would it feel any less unsettling?

I understand why the situation gives you pause.

Here’s the trap — he is the Magnanimous Greeter of Holiday Wishes, letting bygones by bygones! For The Children! and you are the Bitter Ex Who Can’t Get Over Him. Yes, you’re still so consumed with hatred for him that you cannot even extend a holiday greeting. Really, it’s exactly this kind of emotional withholding and inappropriate anger that drove him into the arms of Schmoopie. (Who abounds with good will and never fails to wish anyone — even church mice and lepers — a Merry Christmas!) I’m sorry you can’t be the adult here and respond to a simple kind wish.

TRAP! Your refusal is kibbles! He’s still so central, he has the power to piss you off!

Or, you don’t ignore him. You match phoniness with phoniness, eat the holiday gingerbread shit sandwich and wish him a Merry Christmas back. Now you feel inauthentic and angry at yourself.

TRAP! Kibbles! You wished him happiness DESPITE yourself! It’s a little holiday cake to your ex. He offers a small kibble, you offer one in return, pretty soon we’re on the road to Friendship and Greater Impression Management! (For The Children, of course. But maybe the occasional booty call….)

What’s a chump to do?

Southerners, who have elevated passive-aggression to an art form, have the perfect response for exactly this kind of situation:

Bless your heart.”

When some idiot is babbling foolishness, a polite Southerner just cocks an eyebrow, looks down at the poor afflicted soul with “Bless your heart.”

Merry Christmas!

Bless your heart.

Hope you have a wonderful holiday!

Bless your heart. 

Seasons Greetings!

Bless your heart.

If you can’t say anything, say “Fuck off” in Southern politesse.

Merry Christmas, CN!

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  • HA! As a Northern transplant of 15 years living in Alabama I would like to confirm what Chump Lady is saying that “Bless your Heart” is the ultimate fuck off phrase to say to your cheater.

    Merry Christmas fellow Chumps!

    • I’m a New Englander chump living in Savannah. I agree, it’s a good all purpose phrase, but saying, “bless your heaaahht” doesn’t sound right from me. I just say thank you and let it go at that. 🙂 As an atheist, thank you is also my go to with store clerks, strangers on the street and coworkers.

      • ddame23,

        I’m from New Hampshire 🙂

        You live in Savannah…I love it there! Visited a time or two.

        Yes, using the New England accent while trying to use southern slang doesn’t quite sound the same, but I like to think it gets the same point across LOL! I have pretty much dropped my New England accent..unless you get me angry…then I start dropping my R’s like a m’fer.

        • “Bless your little heart” works for me, Says F Off and reminds me how ridiculously small his heart is/was to do the things he did without any thought for anyone but himself. Here’s hoping he chokes on his Christmas dinner with the family. LOL

      • As a New Englander, I find, “Yes, Indeed” accompanied with a very blank expression to be useful. “Merry Christmas””Yes Inded”

        When it comes with gifts, “oh you shouldnt have”. Because they really shouldn’t have. Accompany with an expression like someone just handed you a dead rat.

      • There is always the joke of “thats nice.” Goes basically like this: Two ladies having lunch, one constantly bragging about what her husband buys her and how he ‘luvs her so much’ to which second lady replies, ‘thats nice.’ Finally bragging gal asks other gal ‘so what does your husband buy your to prove he loves you?’ 2nd replies ‘he sent me to finishing school where I learned to say ‘thats nice’ instead of fuck you!”.

        All my pals know when I say ‘thats nice’ what I really mean! 😉

    • I’m a Jersey Girl transplanted to L. A. (Lower Alabama) 27 years ago.

      “Dang” was the first phrase I adopted, “bless your heart” came later.

      Last night I exchanged DD to TEO for the week.
      He actually said, “thank you” to me for letting her go to him on c.e. so she could go to the “big” dinner at Mrs. Dumb-Ass’s family.
      I wouldn’t even look at him, just rolled my window up and drove off.
      Not even little Cindy Lou Who would be nice to my ex-narc-asshole
      Merry Christmas!!!

    • “Bless your heart” has a myriad of meanings (from genuine sympathy to utter disgust) all linked to tone of voice. It’s a Southern relational cornucopia.

      Chump o’Mine didn’t text me a ‘Merry Christmas’ following our divorce, he actually sent me a gift. Following being dropped off, my oldest child, poking their head in the garage door, announced “Dad sent you a gift. I’m going to open it out here and see if you want it.” A minute later said child walked in the door sans gift and said, “Nope. You didn’t want that.” When I carried out trash later that evening I found the gift (a plaque with a bible verse on it) stuffed down in the trash can with its wrapping paper. Wise beyond their years, that kid.

  • We don’t even have kids. It’s less than 5 months since dday
    I want to kick his cheating dock not answer his fucktard text help me chump lady

  • We don’t even have kids. It’s less than 5 months since dday
    I want to kick his cheating dick not answer his fucktard text help me chump lady

    • No kids? You can say whatever you “bless your heart” want to.

      In time this will subside and he will be nothing but a Facebook profile on a drunken night

  • Damn I had this exact problem today with how to respond to STBX’s Merry Christmas text, I don’t think ‘Bless Your Heart’ is going to work here in Australia – I’m open to other suggestions as I’m trying to shut down the kibble-giving.

      • When I don’t want to answer people, or when I think questions are awkward, I often respond “OK.” I think that must have the same meaning as “Aah, yeah”.

        • I responded with “Ok” to his Merry Christmas today. Chump Lady got it perfect- another situation where you can’t win. So thankful for her insight. So sorry there are so many of us that understand. Wishing all the mightiness in every one of us to shine.

    • You need to just say, “What did you say.” in a neutral voice. He is going to repeat it. Ask the question again. Just keep making him say it. If he gets huffy and asks you what you are doing just tell him you don’t understand. Be the most neutral person on the planet without ever giving up the offensive. Gray rocking a jackass takes time learning it but you won’t believe how powerful it is. Stay neutral. This idiot does not care if you have a nice holiday. He just wants to be able to show what a magnanimous person he is. You just want to be in charge of your own life. If possible don’t respond at all but he might do this in front of others. That’s when the gray rock shows up. That’s when you become the coolest person on the planet

      • My kids and I watch WWE, and one thing a former wrestler, Stone Cold Steve Austin would do is when someone would say something (trash talk), he would say back, “What?” So they would repeat it. In which Stone Cold would ask, “What?” Again. It would go back and forth.
        I should do that next time.

    • A ‘good on ya’ or a ‘yeah, nah’ might work…or perhaps a ‘may all your Christmases come at once’…

      • Silence is the best response to a fool. Let his phony “Merry Christmas” stay out there unacknowledged in Kibble No Man’s Land. It’s not a bitter response; it’s genuine.

        I wish all chumps here a drama-free holiday. I think it’s okay to be sad for what we thought was true. But also thankful we’re living a truthful life now.

        Hugs.

      • “You too” also works. In a very neutral tone. And you may adopt the look my teenage daughter has taught me where you stare right through them like their might be something much more interesting in the background.

        Imagine somebody saying such a phrase as “I love you” and responding with “you too” ( dead cat state ).

        Hope this helps.

        Also learned from same teenager….

        “Yeah…………..(look past them ) …………..you too…….”

        Indifference shuts these people down real fast !

    • Make sure you come and see Chump Lady here in Australia (Newcastle in May!! )

      As for what to say I have done a “why thanks!” In the past. The wishes stopped after one Christmas and one birthday with this 😊

    • For texts I think just not answering at all is your best bet. Don’t even open it if you haven’t already. “oh. Did you send a text?”

  • Perfect – outwardly polite, but with a sting! Luckily I avoided this charade today, but my preferred tactic is replying in a monotone with a glazed expression.

  • Ha, as a northeasterner having lived in the south for a good few years, this is definitely the ultimate fuck off, as its condescending politeness will greatly confuse a self-centered cheater. If that doesn’t translate, I would say for an in-person Christmas wish a long, hard/blank silent stare would suffice (you know, the kind that might make a person think about what they just said), and written Christmas wishes are a good opportunity to practice grey rock. No bitterness, just crickets. Merry Christmas, Chump Nation! Peace & joy, wherever you may find it. <3

    • I’m a Jersey Girl transplanted to L. A. (Lower Alabama) 27 years ago. I’ve picked up a lot of quick comebacks, but my favorite is no response at all.

      “Bless your heart” is the best f— off, I agree.

  • Spot on as always CL!
    What do we do when they try to engage? We do nothing! Absolutely nothing! Nada!

    We all got that Merry Christmas text this morning, myself and the children. My boys are so much better than me, completely detached. I found myself having a conversation with Rueben (the dog) when it came through. “Rueben, he can stick his merry right up his abusive, disordered arse. Fuck him! I hope Santa gave schmoopie the dick on his rounds because she just can’t help herself”. Rueben listened to me and absorbed every word I said and it felt better. Because he loves me, thinks I’m amazing and is totally loyal.

    Merry Christmas all you lovelies out there. Stay strong, you got this! It’s going to be just fine xx

  • I had to deal with this myself yesterday, dropping off stepdaughter to my husbands exW (he is also a chump).

    The fakey fake nice just turns my stomach, especially when she uses the daughter to manipulate my husband.

    She just got the blank start, I couldn’t even muster up a fake “Bless your heart” and I live in the south.

    It will be a VERY MERRY Christmas to me if I have absolutely no contact with my sociopathic ex and his family. My boys are old enough to drive themselves to me (If he doesn’t manipulate them to not see me Christmas)

    • I was in this same situation. Picking up my stepchildren do that my husband did not have to deal with her manipulation. Luckily, she didn’t come out so pleasantries has to be exchanged. Just wanted to say it’s nice to see another partner on here, Merry Christmas!

    • Don’t worry. They probably didn’t miss that too much. Think of it this way – it solidifies the feeling to them that the dad is not that important on important dates. He secondary, he’s an accessory, he’s not foundation

      I had to practically force mine to ring him, I’ve got to the stage where i feel mild pity in his direction

  • Yes! I object to the discordance of someone who has acted atrociously towards me and my children (I really don’t think of them as ours anymore) “acting” benevolently – and setting me up as the bitter old cow in the process.
    Mine dropped my younger daughter back yesterday (Christmas Eve) with a hamper for me and in it a card from him and his now wife (married 5 months after leaving me, us having been together 20 years but not married, I have still never met her) wishing me well for the future. I also know the hamper will have been a gift given to him at work by his employer which grated some more.
    It is a double-bind though – I said a brief thank you, although I think the sound of “bless your heart” is rather appealing – but maybe a little too obvious as a European living down under!
    Both my kids went to their house today with his wife and his parents whom he has flown half way around the world (did the same for his wedding in April, together with their best friends). My elder daughter went under protest for a couple of hours in the morning only and when I went to pick her up out came his mother and father to say hello. His mother, although at times nice to me superficially, was also a complete bitch at times, telling me she never liked me, that I was difficult etc (although unable to give any specifics when I asked how I could improve things – chumpy there too!) and when I wrote a nice email wishing her well (despite myself) when we separated never replied and simply went on his Facebook page to make glowing comments about his OW (3 weeks after he had left me). She came out all smiles, wishing me a merry christmas, and gave me a gift of chocolates, she even kissed me. I could have told her to fuck off but that would just have fed into their stories of my awfulness (although I know I shouldn’t care) – and she did it right in front of my daughter. I couldn’t do that to my daughter (something that is also used time and again). My father in law also kissed me and wished me a merry christmas – there I did feel more genuinely conflicted as he was always nice to me, and I had watched her be awful to him too (and had actually intervened on one particularly horrible occasion where the sprout had sat there and done nothing).
    Feels like a big turd sandwhich. I’m just hoping it gets easier with time. I’m sure it will. My Christmas was fairly ordinary this year – and I think it wasn’t great for my kids either. Fortunately my mum had been to stay (self-funded!) very recently and we had our own, much more fun, Christmas celebration a couple of weeks ago. Thanks to the wonders of technology I also got to read our traditional Christmas Eve story to my daughters (in person) and record it for my niece and nephew overseas to listen to for their bedtime story and to skype with them all today as well. It has been a hard day though. Christmas has always been wonderful in my family home of origin although we are not particularly religious (my dad is a strict atheist – as is now my 15 year old daughter and I am agnostic). This year has made me think that maybe I need to find some different way of approaching it – particularly as we aren’t religious and, apart from my children here, my family is half way around the world. Sorry – off topic!
    Merry Christmas anyway – with no passive aggressive intent, to all at CN! 🙂

    • I’d take that hamper to the nearest charity or food bank and send a note to Cheater ‘the hamper was donated to X Charity, would you like the tax receipt mailed to you or his employer? ‘ Fucking cheap bastard! His parents are reprehensible, but then the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.
      Holidays are tough hang in there, they tell me it will get easier and new traditions are good. Merry Christmas and All the best for 2018!

      • Merry Christmas to you too, Lyndaloo, and definitely a better 2018 for us all! I have followed your story too – and you have endured a lot of cruelty.
        I was going to drop the hamper off on someone’s doorstep as a random act of kindness yesterday whilst he had my elder daughter for a couple of hours but then I couldn’t think where – or that I might look dodgy! I do like the idea of giving it to someone deserving – will have a think! Same with the chocolates. I won’t bother telling them – but I will know.
        I’m feeling much better today with my kids back, and the pressure for contact reduced again. Hope you’re having a good one X

    • They cannot be alone with themselves. Ever. And they have to move fast because it is work keeping up the charade.

      • Yep, same here.
        Exh2 & I were married/together for 13 years.
        From D-Day to divorce was 6 months. He married his Schmoopie/OWhore 60 days after divorce was final.
        He canNOT be alone.
        Two and a half years later, I’m still single and that’s fine with me.

        • Vicky, 2nd, and Unsinkable,

          I can relate to the feeling of them barely slowing the metaphorical car down to push us out the side to pick up our replacement!

          My ex-husband has not remarried but is on vacation with his current partner, her kids, and my kids (staying at the place in Vegas, our home away from home, where we used to stay as a family while my husband/now ex-husband worked). I am working to survive while the current girlfriend gets vacation with my kids. S–t sandwich.

          My ex-post-separation boyfriend may or may not have married his work subordinate since he left four months ago, telling me (again out of the blue), ‘I want to run away from you!’ (That’s what he said the first time he broke up with me 18 months earlier.) I guess that dressing up, driving sometimes a couple of hours to see him, cooking for him, stroking his ego, and providing all the physical affection a healthy, loving woman could give whenever he was free from work (couple days/week) in spite of (my) raising kids and working was not enough. He wasted virtually no time (few days/hours?) getting my replacement into his bed–or hers. I think that probably both of them have nice houses to share/go between.

          Hope to become like Unsinkable, two and a half years later, single and fine with it. I miss the help, the companionship, the affection (although it was fake, or mostly fake), the social network, the perks of a traditionally successful partner (although his moderate affluence wasn’t the reason I decided to be with him, I had cherished him since he was an ‘ordinary’ teenager!) I still dream about my ex-boyfriend almost every night. In my dreams, he is usually the wonderful guy I originally thought I was dating and hoped to marry. Then, I wake up in the middle of the night and think (ruminate) about him/our relationship for hours. No wonder I’m tired.

          • When you wake up in the night, put on headphones and listen to quiet music or an e-book. Or read until you fall asleep. Rumination isn’t good for you. Put these two jackasses in the past. You are here in the present.

    • A hamper? I’m American so maybe there is something lost in translation but I thought that a hamper was something you put your dirty laundry in. Is that a Christmas gift?

      But, finding new post-divorce traditions isn’t off-topic here at all! My family is agnostic/atheist, and small, seemingly shrinking. There are only 5 of us–my 3 kids, my father, and me. My mom passed away this summer (worst day of my life.) We have always enjoyed a particularly secular holiday: opening stockings, then breakfast, opening gifts that we exchange, maybe a longish walk, starting to make Christmas dinner, chatting, having wine. When my xMIL was around, the kids would make gingerbread houses. Now, when my kids are with The Coward, my parents and I have a Jewish Christmas (we are not Jewish, but may be welcoming Jewish additions to the family <3 ) We typically have Chinese food and a movie at a theater. I have even volunteered to work on Christmas day in the early days after divorce, when I couldn't bear the thought of a holiday without them. NNothing religious here, and we have always had great Christmases.

      • Hi Stephanie – A British ‘hamper’ would be equivalent to our goodie basket, aka gift basket, basket of treats, gourmet basket of specialty foods.

        It’s usually more picnic basket in style, I think, with flap style lids that open, and can also be fastened.

        Took me a few dirty laundry doubletakes too before I figured it out. 😉

        Merry New Christmas Traditions to you, and CN, and CL!

        • LOL! Yes, although I don’t live there I am British so not talking about a washing (or laundry!) basket! We are so international on here! It is a wicker basket (without lid on this one!) with an assortment of nice food/wine/candle in it. Actually it is nice – but I know it is from the company his work usually sends them from. I guess I could be being mean and he may have ordered it himself, but I think not. I am sure whoever I take it to will appreciate it! He kindly left me with all of the laundry baskets from our old house when he left – I’m sure his new wife has lovely ones herself! (Maybe he bought her some extra sparkly new ones?!)
          Yay to new traditions for you, Stephanie – including possibly new Jewish ones??! , and to all of us at CN!

          • I don’t know, while the kids are away, maybe a girlfriend can come by and enjoy the goodies with you and have a girls night out. A little wine and the movie “The upside of Anger” type of night.

            My EX never bought me a gift while married, he would pay for what I wanted when I was out shopping for gifts but he never put thought and love into getting me a gift. I think it would kill him to know I enjoyed the gift and found happiness in his spiteful moment. LOL

    • Our stories do sound similar, Vicky – I’m sorry. I don’t know about you but it all does seem quite surreal – both the last year, but also the previous 20 that I spent with someone who was, now it is clear, such an abysmal person. We sold our house which was large and on land as I couldn’t afford it on my own, nor maintain it – and I had to rehome the majority of mine and my daughter’s horses which has been painful for them and me. He moved in with OW who has her own house. My ex is a very high earner but we ended up with little property as it had all been managed and spent very poorly (I didn’t realize the degree as I trusted him there too and there was huge financial infidelity too). I have just bought a house of my own which we are moving into in January – I really like it, and it is mine, but I would love to have been able to have land still. Maybe one day again.
      I was never particularly bothered about not being married in and of itself. However, we had talked about it after my elder daughter was born in a matter of fact way. I had then provided an engagement ring – a very beautiful family ring that I had been given as the eldest girl of my generation (which actually got stolen when we were having building work done a few years ago – a sign?). My (and his parents) had been quite excited when we told them – and my parents had a celebration which, bizarrely I found photos of on Christmas Eve (threw them away). However, the whole thing was killed for me when, several months later we were on holiday in probably the most spectacular country I have ever visited, and he asked me in the form of “so should we get married then?” – as I was clearing dishes from the table, having cooked dinner, and whilst I was supervising my daughter’s nit (head lice) treatment. In a land where he could have made virtually zero effort and it would have been special, he picked a moment that was so banal it was insulting. I never knew what to make of it – although now I am strongly suspicious it was a genuinely passive aggressive act, for some perceived offense maybe. Anyway, the fact that he had asked OW to marry him within 1 month of leaving, flew her to our home country for a month to meet his parents within 2 months (haven’t not gone on holiday with us for more than 3 years anywhere) and then married her within 5 months is very galling, and difficult to comprehend. Don’t get me wrong – I’m glad I never married such a horrendous man but his marrying OW so quickly is hard to get my head around. It is confronting to be presented with the degree of his capacity for lack of empathy and cruelty. This not just to me – but to our (then) 11 and 14 year old children – despite the fact that my eldest had become suicidal at the prospect of having to stay with them again when they returned from their trip to his parents – with multiple professionals involved as a result.
      I have no doubt it is very similar for you – and for your children. Being your daughter’s coach is truly awful. For me it is actually the lack of consideration towards the children has been most shocking. Adults do do awful things to each other (obviously the worst tend to be represented in ex’s on here) but mostly they are decent to their children still. You wouldn’t believe me if I told you his profession (and mine – although I work a lot less than him due to my kids both having special needs). I feel for you – I would love to hear your story too.
      I hope yesterday was ok for you – and 2018 is so much better than 2017! I’m sure it will be! 🙂
      Unsinkable – your story is also obviously similar too, and I saw that you have an autistic daughter. Having special needs kids is hard – and mine was never supportive of that either. They are all so predictable on here sadly. I am fine being single too – maybe that will change, but I’m in no rush.

  • I’m dropping the kids at XW and OM in a few hours. I’m sure she will squeal “Merry Xmas”—as though a mere seven weeks ago she didn’t say “I want to move back in” and then, when I said “No,” promptly moved back in with OM. To say nothing of the hell she dragged our family through for the last five years.

    But I digress. I will say “Same to you.” Shrug. It means nothing to me even if it means something to her: He still cares! Kibbles! Whatever. If I say nothing it tells her that I am bitter, which gives her even more kibbles. I’d like to say sarcastically, “Have fun with your shamily” or something equally withering, but again—kibbles.

    My kids and I had a nice Xmas morning and then my day will be free. I’m going to the beach. (I live in South Florida and it’s freaking 83-degrees:-)

    Merry Xmas.

    • You’re right, David. It is essentially a lose-lose situation but pleasant indifference does mean less kibbles which has got to be the better option.

    • Oh I really like the vague response and if it came my way, perhaps ‘ditto’ would be appropriate. I’m in the upper South and can maybe just think ‘bless your heart’ you nasty ole fucker. Hope you and your young schmoopie have a fun little fuckfest today.

    • David2016,

      I’m in western New York and snow blowing 7″ in 20 degree weather. Bless your heart! 🙂

      Really, enjoy the beach and a cold beer for all us freezing chumps.

        • Unfortunately for you, I think fuckwit and his cheater schmoopie are headed to south Florida today to polute your space. I will be taking nice deep breaths while they are away!

  • I guess I’m lucky … fuck face doesn’t even know who I am ~ let alone
    call or text me to say ~ Merry Christmas?

    Best friends for 30 years, married for 18 of those years ~ no, I don’t even rate
    a thought.

    And even luckier for me ~ no children with fuck face either. My children were
    from a previous marriage from a man who loved me and them.

    Would I wish fuck face a Merry Christmas? Nah. I do hope he is happy in
    the life he has chosen ~ cue sentence from Scrooge. He is the loser, not me.

    • Me neither. It stings a bit for me though. I’m not even a thought. Adult children got calls. Nothing to me. That’s ok tomorrow will be better I hope. Fucker.

    • I feel the same way Jodi. It’s like I wasn’t a part of his life for 17 years! Screw him! It’s a slap in the face same as last Christmas. Says a lot about his character. It was a stress free Christmas and I’m happy he’s no longer part of it!

      • You don’t want his thoughts. They are just lies and manipulation. Remember you are dealing with disordered people who only use other people to fill the black hole inside them.

  • Happy Christmas Chump Lady and CN. I had just had just this situation. Kaa has sent me and the family I am spending Christmas with a email greeting which I am supposed to pass on. Whilst he hosts Christmas at OW’s with my daughters. ( we are still not divorced) I just grey rocked a happy Christmas and deleted.

    • Yep, my kids get the same mind-f*ck! “Let’s play happy family with my girlfriend while I pretend the marriage I ended in my head a long time ago is a legal divorce, and I’m not really still married.” Now don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I want him to prended our legal marriage means I want to be married! He’s the one who’s narrative to cheating is “he’s wanted a divorce for many years” yet I’ve had to compel him to produce, obtain subeanas and push him toward the finish line! We are coming up on 3 years of divorce proceedings. So typical that a cheater doesn’t finish what’s behind them before moving on!

      In the beginning his playing happy Family bothered me for the kids. Now it just bothers me because he uses our legal marriage as a way to screw me by spending marital funds on his “new Family”. Our justice system is poorly named… there isn’t any justice in the system!

      • Same scenario here but it has only been a year and half so far—. You poor thing. Hope you can see something good on the horizon.

      • Same story. 3.5 years to get the divorce he wanted. Had the audacity to fight it for almost 3 years. They are all fruitloops.

        Hope you had a lovely holiday.

  • Haha! My northern daughter who attends a southern school told me about the “bless your heart” phrase and I couldn’t believe it. I’m just one of those people who would rather you be an ass to my face so I know how you truly feel.

    I hate fake, and have a hard time bringing myself to do it. I look at “fake nice” this way; if a person doesnt really care to understand or explain why they or you feel the way they do, why bother exercising the effort of trying to explain or understand? Just wrap your hostility, annoyance, etc. with a pretty bow and move along. To me “fake nice” is the ultimate “f*ck you,” because it means that person isn’t even worth the effort it would take to consider their perspective or their feelings, it’s the ultimate brush off. To me “fake nice” communicates condescending superiority … I guess that’s why I can’t stomach giving or receiving it. I’m working on improving that skill… but I have a sensitive gag relflex 🤮 😜.

    In other Christmas news… my father informed me he is thinking of divorcing his wife (whom I’ve never really cared for) because, wait for it……………………………………………………………….. he’s been hanging out with a woman he works with and they have sooooo much in common. He had all the typical cheater responses, “I haven’t been happy in 17 years, we have nothing in common, all I do is work and get nothing in return, yada, yada, yada!” I called him out in that shit and he started backpedaling (keep in mind I DO NOT LIKE HIS WIFE!) I told him to find some freaking integrity and deal with his marriage. If he wants to divorce her, fine! But do it because of real issues, not because of shit he’s made up in his head because he’s dancing on sparkles. I’ve known since the day they got married they had nothing in common, but that’s a choice he made!

    His wife is in very ill health, years of smoking have left her with chronic emphysema and she can’t even walk 10 feet without getting winded. I’m pretty sure if he Divorces her it will kill her. Let alone finding out it’s because he’s been cheating.

    Merry F-ing Christmas to me!

    • Wow. That must really have been hard of you to hear that from your father. Even if he didn’t know what you went through, which I’m assuming that he did, you don’t expect a sympathetic ear from your child, regardless of their age, on cheating. I admire your honesty and calling him out even though it’s painful. I’m sorry.

    • Ugh. Merry Christmas, indeed.
      That’s a sucky thing for your dad to share with you on Christmas.
      Excellent for you to call him out on it.

  • I guess I’m lucky too- we haven’t spoken a word to each other since I threw him out & divorced him 2 years ago . My son see him weekly but I have No Contact with the cheating ex Narcissistic.

    As for as wishing him a Merry Christmas.. I couldn’t say those words. His cruelty towards me was unforgivable in my eyes. Don’t think I’ll ever stop hating him!

    But I do wish all my fellow chumps here on CN Merry Christmas & a wonderful New Year ! We all deserve a healthy & peaceful year. 🎄❤️

    • Thank you. Merry Christmas to you and I think youve done quite well managing to go NC whilst kids still see him regularly.

    • Kathleen, I hear you, I will never forgive or forget what Doughboy did to our family. Fortunately for me all adult kids want nothing to do with him. But the fact these idiots never stop trying to justify their betrayal is all telling. They just hate being the bad guy and if they can just get a foot in the door with a fake pleasantry well then, in their pea brains, all is forgiven. Just useless assholes. Merry Christmas to you and family and all good wishes for 2018!

  • A standard reply to all false pleasantries: ‘Backatcha.’
    As a full sentence, said deadpan, no eye contact necessary and only if in person. If in written form as a text or email, nada, nothing, crickets.

  • My mother called me 2 weeks ago wanting to know why KK sent her a holiday card from her and the girls, featuring pics from their October trip to London. I replied, “Same reason she sent me one, whatever that is.”

    We had a good laugh at that.

    “Bless your heart” wouldn’t work on KK — I let her in on that little secret years ago, as I became aware of it while living in Indiana. If I got a verbal or texted “Merry Christmas” from her today, my response would be “Yes, it is.” Fuck reciprocity.

      • “YES IT IS” is the best! No kibbles, not impolite, no construed bitterness. Just reiterating how great the holidays are without him/her. Fuckwits ego is so big he/she will not get it at first..and will spend time wondering about it. You can smile smugly knowing the impression management didn’ t work.

    • “Yes it is” —- love that! Best damn Christmas I’ve had in a long time, without having to deal with him. Not since my college age kids were little have I seen them so relaxed and happy over the holidays. Will definitely use that phrase if he ever even has the gall to text me a greeting. Problem is, a narcissist like him probably won’t even understand the irony…

      • The dbag (after 30 mos of zero contact with daughter) sends a random “Will you tell her Merry Christmas for me?” I’ve ignored it all these days, but now I wish that after about 6 hours I would have sent back: k

        That simple “k” means f-you, whatever, don’t have time enough to add the “o” in front of it, but it certainly does not mean “same to you” in any way.

        Oh well, maybe the next time that dbag tries to engage me after 3 years of zero contact. But that NC sure works well for my head and heart! Happy New Year, CN! Keep your fingers on the “k” buttons if you absolutely have to respond!

  • There are worse things than a fake Merry Christmas. I have been divorced nearly 7 years. The separation was 8 1/2 years ago. The ex has married again (not the other woman…she dumped him before the divorce was final). Yesterday he came by my house and dropped off letters to me and the kids who live here (all adults, mostly college students). Keep in mind, I have been no contact since the youngest graduated from high school 2 years ago.

    I quit reading MY letter after 2 1/2 sentences. He said that he was more devoted to the marriage than I was. And then started telling me what I horrible person I was. Asswipe completely ignored the fact that I had an undiagnosed medical problem that left me completely debilitated, and he had another woman on the side.

    I will probably never read the rest of that letter, but I’m keeping it for evidence in case I need to take legal action.

    • Elisabeth I can see he’s as entitled as ever. And I hate the fact these disordered always circle back one way or another with their toxicity.

      My biggest fear is that he will contact me in some way down the road with some Narc need.

    • Sounds like your cheater is still feeling bad about his betrayal after 2 years NC and still blame shifting! Seems he’s feeling a might guilty and is still trying to justify his behaviour. Me thinks, he’s not having a very Merry Christmas. Poor sausage! Hope you’re having a good Christmas and your health is improved. Hugs!

        • You gave that letter all the attention it deserved…nearly none!
          A lot of strong and mighty women around here today, I wish each of you a better and better new year <3.

    • Nothing says Christmas cheer like a letter almost a decade later that says, “It was all your fault.” Merry Christmas!

      I think he’s bitter, is all I’m saying.

    • Elizabeth,

      If you didn’t need to keep it for future legal action, I would recommend making chumpfetti of it using a crosscut paper shredder.

  • I’m fond of ‘I wish you all the happiness you deserve.’

    In front of my kid it seems so gregarious!

    WE ALL KNOW THE ANSWER IS NONE THOUGH, AMIRITE??

    Then I go home and snicker. It’s been eleven years since my daughter’s dad planned to kidnap her four states away to live with a woman he’d met online and never in real life.

    Let me tell you how Meh I am. He can’t afford real gifts for his own kid. I deliver hundreds of dollars worth to his mom’s house m when she’s with him on alternate Christmas mornings. My daughter isn’t dumb, she’s 13.
    She knows how I wrap things like a Santaland pro and the tags are in my handwriting.

    He makes bad choices. And he lives with Nana now. So it’s utterly perfect.

    • That is the best response by far! It says everything!! Glad he is getting all the “happiness”’he deserves!!

    • Bravo!!! Love that Luz!!!
      Exh2 does his own Christmas gifts and I do my own with DD. You are an amazing mom!!!
      Exh1 and I sometimes combine for gifts for our DS’s

  • I have an ex romantic partner of 10 years that I haven’t had contact with in 2 years. He sends me texts on every holiday, b-day, etc. He sent a Thanksgiving text and again I didn’t respond at all. Then he resorted to an email for Christmas. He said, “I ask for forgiveness for all the hurt I caused you. If the day comes when you can/do forgive just say the word… Wishing you a very Merry Christmas!”

    What a heartfelt, unspecific apology.

    I won’t be responding this time either and I’ve moved away in these last 2 years.

    • So if you say the word, what then? Oh I see, he gets to feel good about himself and his betrayal! What jerks these idiots are.
      Good for you not responding! Merry Christmas!

      • Yeah, that’s what I think. What does that change? I go back to being a chump and accepting less than what even just a friend would expect? I was an option while there were so many more out there that were possibilities.

        • Hoovering – looking to see if perhaps you might be available to re-join the harem, or even just be there as a seasonal / future booty call option.

          It’s always disguised as an apology.

          Always.

          • If just reply: I moved on and forgot about it a long time ago. It may be B.S., but most of these guys ask for “forgiveness” when they really want kibbles and being forgotten about would sting. And the movie on shows that they aren’t welcome back.

  • Love this UX. The malignant have very cunning ways of managing their image. I came home to a drum set in my living room after thanksgiving. Dad, the cheap prick who couldn’t hire a lawyer implants a ‘gift’ in my home.

    For those who don’t know he spent thousands on a drum set that a rich rock star might own. But alas he NEVER had a band or actually played out. Basement boy would pound away and fluctuate between jerking off to porn and playing his drums.

    So I had to say, “oh, that’s nice” when my son said, “dad just said he wanted me to have it”

    Bless your cheating heart would make a wonderful NE twist on the southern saying.

    • Can I just say that I now get to play music as loud as I want to without hearing, “I have a headache, turn it down.” My kids came over one day and I’m in the kitchen cooking, drinking wine and bringing down the house with my vocals to Def Leppard’s Pour Some Sugar on Me. The boys were rolling their eyes. Anyway, I’m been thinking about buying drums and putting them right in the front room. I think I can learn from YouTube or else just make more God awful noise. But it’s my noise and it’s sweet.

      Merry Christmas!

      • Hahahahaaaa, yep!!!!
        I spent 13 years “keeping things quiet” . Yesterday, DD and baked cookies making a huge mess while I had Christmas music blasting on the t.v. we had a blast and not once did I think I needed to quiet it down.
        Glorious

  • Response to X’s ‘Merry Christmas greetings: ” you’re joking me right!” with a a laugh or smirk and walk away. They get the message you think they’re a fool. They hate to be laughed at, who gives a rats ass if they think your bitter they’re looking for forgiveness so they can live happily ever after! No fucking way.
    Merry Christmas to all you brave and decent chumps!

    • Yep.
      My exh said, “thank you” to me yesterday getting DD early, and I just rolled up my window on him and rolled away.
      Being nice to him stopped on DDay

  • Ha! During our 2? 3? sessions of “marriage counseling” ex was commenting about me and said “Bless Her Heart” and that was it – I knew it was over and I was out of there! CL is right, it’s the ultimate condescension.

    This week he just sent his monthly packet of junk mail that still goes to our old house – minus the check he owes me. He also always includes and UNFAILING POLITE note about this and that, which I share with a friend at my office for shits and giggles. She was furious that he included a sentence saying how happy he was that I was travelling to Savannah to spend Christmas with our youngest adult child (the other 2 are married and live overseas). Friend was furious at this and just didn’t get it – like it is a special “effort” to spend the holiday with your own child? Of course, he was not invited to come up and spend the holiday with his father’s family – guessing he’s dragging schmoopie and her daughter up for the day but who knows? Bless their hearts!

  • My response to good wishes from someone I loathe is to show them the cats meow smile and say “I certainly well (do or am)” and carry on with what I was doing. In my experience it drives them bat shit crazy.

    I can’t even remember the last thing Fucktard said to me in person, but my reply and the fact didn’t ask about him pissed him off and made my heart sing. I used to also simply ignore pleasant greetings as if they were never said and get to the point. I stopped caring what he thought of me the minute I realized what an asshole he was.

  • If “bless your heart” doesn’t work, how about a short, unemotional, “You too.”? Makes it clear that it’s not worth your time or effort to move your mouth enough to form longer words, and does just enough to acknowledge the initial wishes without being crass or dismissive, which would provide negative kibbles. Sort of along the same lines as, “No” is a complete sentence. Minimal engagement.

    Happy holidays and Happy New Year.

    Hugs. Strength. Peace.
    aeronaut

  • I am so Southern people have a hard time understanding me and CL nailed it.

    Bless Your Heart is big fuck you with a hearty dollop of PITY, amusement and condescending scorn.

  • I simply ignored her “Have a great Christmas with the kids” text message. But what I REALLY wanted to say was FUCK YOU!
    Ah, the bitter me who just can’t get over her blowing up our family, home and 15yrs of marriage.

    • Good luck staying no contact, Simon!! I get it… I want to respond to the same text with a variety of explicits, but I won’t because no contact says it best!

      • You are on point, LettingGo. She also sent me a “happy birthday” text which I ENJOYED giving ZERO fucks about. Silence is golden and at times, says more than words can. I don’t do it to be a jerk. Thing is, her karma is not having me in her life ever again.

      • Deep down, most cheaters regret their stupity. Some, if not most, are too prideful of ever admitting this. So they do these subtle behaviors. Fuck them! I don’t need her immoral ass. Don’t need her “friendship”. Don’t need ANYTHING from her. I’ve been burnt once. Once is enough.

        • You got this down pat, Simon! I like to believe that deep down they regret their choices, but I think that would require taking responsibility for their behaviour and having empathy. All lip service and no action.

  • It depends on how disordered your Ex is but most of them are never really happy deep down, so “the best revenge is living well”.

    When my Ex wishes me a Merry Christmas or asks how I’m doing, I put on the biggest smile I can and say “merry Christmas, I’m doing fabulous, thanks for asking”.

    Deep down it pisses them off, how dare you do well after leaving THEM !
    It’s a minor revenge and if she gets mad and rants at the kids, they will go “what — Dad was being as nice as he could be”. 😀

  • I said Merry Christmas right back. I know his Christmas isn’t merry. I have the kids, I have the family, the warm home, handmade treats, decorations, cuddly cat…hell, I have it all. He has a rented room, a small family he isn’t speaking to, and microwave whatever for dinner. He sees the kids for a couple of hours tomorrow, as per our divorce agreement.
    My mom apologetically told me yesterday that she couldn’t help feel sorry for him. I told her to go ahead. I do too. He lost EVERYTHING. Home, family, honest wife, self-respect. He has nothing.
    I told her feeling sorry for someone doesn’t mean we are obligated to do anything about it. She agreed, and we changed the subject to pie.
    Pie is always a better subject then my X.

    • I just love this Christmas story! A rented room and a microwave meal for Christmas! Why isn’t he at the whore’s (hoe, hoe, hoe’s) house? Bwaaaah!

    • Yeah. I told my son I kinda felt sorry for fuckwit to. He stupided himself into a hole and OW dumped him for another man before the divorce….not that I believe they are still broken up-liar liar. Anyway, we both just said yeah and went on our way. Mostly I feel sorry for my sons-They can’t divorce him. And they are struggling with trying to make sense of all this. I can’t help them with that. The father son relationship is so important in life and they have this to measure themselves against. It is tough cuz he taught them to have honor and integrity and take care of their Mom. Then he lost his mind. Poor guys!

      • Same here, shit for brains aka skankboy’s favorite saying was “do the right thing.” Riiiiiiiiight, all talk, no action.

    • Perfect! I could have written this, right down to the cuddly cat(s).

      Well, except for the mom part, she still wants to stomp his balls. God I love that woman.

      Merry Christmas, Chump Nation!

  • “Merry Christmas! Hope you are doing well.”
    {Drat! Double dog F.U.’s}

    I crinkle my nose, just a wee bit, and reply; “Yeeeaaaaahhhh… … … naw. I don’t think that’s a good idea.” like he’s selling ginsu knives. Then go about my business.

    • The reason this type of response can be powerful is that many cheaters worst fear is for you to be detached from their drama. I find this reply – more like you are talking to yourself than him, found it not worth the effort and ditched the thought – REALLY puts his nose outta joint.

      tttoooooooooooooo baaaaaaaad. 🙂

  • Merry Christmas, Chump Lady and citizens of Chump Nation! I recommend the use of the blank stare if you’re so unfortunate as to have in-person contact, and absolutely no response by email or text. Drives them mad – some of them even send follow up message – “did you get my text?” – because they can’t believe you didn’t answer them! More than that, your non-response communicates that they simply don’t exist. They aren’t your problem anymore. Poof! Gone! Dust yourself off to make sure there are no lingering particles. Do you remember being in third grade and girls “spraying” boys (or vice versa) with “cootie spray” ? Get yourself a “can” and use it liberally when EX and/or OW come near you (even if you only imagine the action). I had horrific anxiety about LadyLiar coming back in my home after the split. I made some actual “monster spray” with a pleasant scent that my ex cannot stand ( orange peel) and spritzed in car/house. And bless your heart is a pure gem!

  • I did the hand off this morning. Cheater wife didn’t say Merry Christmas. I was ok with that. I wasn’t interested in offering one up either. I was lucky enough to have daughter Christmas Eve night and Christmas day morning. Cheater wife wanted the kid this afternoon to take her to in-laws for lunch which has been the norm for the past 17 years. Cheater wife did text a thank you later for baking a pie which has been my usual contribution to the lunch- I sent it along with daughter who helped me bake it last night. I didn’t reply to text. New traditions, new beginnings.

  • I like “I wish you all the happiness you deserve.”

    But I’m tempted to respond with “Skanks a lot” or “Skank you very much!”

  • Ugh, I got the Merry Christmas text too, right after he asked me to drop off the kids by 8:15 this morning (I had them for xmas eve, he gets xmas day) because he “has a doctor’s appointment at 9:15.” Who the fuck has a doctor’s appointment on Christmas day? I usually don’t probe my boys for info, but they said their dad and howorker/stepmommy “have to go in for blood work.”
    I’m placing bets on a miracle pregnancy at at 50. But really, on Christmas day? Really?

    • I hope someone on this blog is a doctor who knows ob/gyn. I don’t believe in 50 year old women getting pregnant. If she is younger, yeah, maybe. Blood work on Christmas? Every doctor I know is miles away from their practice.

      • I don’t have an MD but since DD#1 I’ve earned by Ph.D in Quantum Bullshit and I smell a turd. In my professional opinion you should continue vigorous flushing until both the floaters and smell are gone.

      • Not a doctor and haven’t played one on t.v. but…a mean girl from middle school who worked in the fashion industry for a couple of decades gave birth this last year to a bouncing baby boy. Her eggs ? Who knows but it’s possible

    • Blood work?!?!
      On Christmas Day?!?!
      What the hell?!?!
      I know a few co-workers above 50 that are still fertile, but again, what the hell?!?!?

    • Honestly the pregnancy suspicions are all on me – however this is not them first time howorker supposedly got knocked up at an advanced age. (Last time 2.5 years ago while Exhole and I were trying to work it out – sh was 48 at the time, and allegedly got an abortion in Peru while visiting her father). Anyway, at this point I don’t rule anything out.
      But mostly I wish I didn’t give a shit about whatever wacky shit they have going on.
      Merry Christmas chumps!!

      • Dear beloved fellow chumps,

        Not a medical doctor, but studying reproductive health as part of a graduate degree. Testing for some STIs requires blood work. I think that’s a far more likely possibility than getting knocked up at 50 (LOL) or 48, for that matter. Shmoopie just sounds like she likes attention.

        Merry Christmas!

        – Janet

  • Got a Christmas gift – fuckwit asked my son how I was doing and son told him I was “slaying it” and went on to tell him all the cool things I have been doing. Cool! Don’t expect to hear from fuckwit and had a lovely Christmas celebration with family yesterday. If I do hear from him, I will ignore it. Surprisingly I didnt miss fuckwit at all. And after everyone left I realized that because of fuckwit we have become closer as a family. My sons cleared the dishes and cleaned without me asking. Wow! Amazingly I can say I feel somewhat happy. Like grinch who felt his heart and a trickle of a tear ran down his face!! My hope for all of us who have suffered so much at the hands of the insensitive is that we have a moment of peace and joy remembering we are rising above the insults of betrayal to stand for morality, honor and integrity. Ours is the message of the season. Be well my friends. Have faith, tides change, moon changes, things change. Be the best version of yourself. Hug the ones you love who love you.

    • Thrive – “My hope for all of us who have suffered so much at the hands of the insensitive is that we have a moment of peace and joy remembering we are rising above the insults of betrayal to stand for morality, honor and integrity.”

      So well said I’m keeping it in my book of quotes if you don’t mind.

  • Last year I got the Merry Christmas text but not this year. I gave him the benefit of the doubt as far as his intentions last year but I understand now that was much too generous.

    The middle 3 kids got his Merry Christmas text in a group chat this morning- same time as last year- I think that is when fuckwit and whore change drivers on their way to Florida. The two boys replied with merry Christmas and nothing else so awhile later he asked if they got the gifts he sent and they curtly replied they are under the tree.

    Fuckwit really upped his game (not) Oldest got nothing- guess she is officially cut off for holding him accountable. The other 4 each got a whopping $50 amazon card. For good measure he through in the Alex and ani bracelet he got for 15 yo dd back in March for her birthday and later threatened to give to goodwill bc she didn’t plan and arrange a birthday date with him. He also sent the sweatshirt he gave youngest last year which he left at his house last Christmas because it was too big.

    Meanwhile, I am smiling because they are all here making my Christmas merry! They are happily taking turns on the trampoline I bought them for Christmas. Fuckwit decided long ago they were not allowed to have one because his brother broke his arm falling off on when he was 9 yo.

    Newbies, it gets better- really it does!

  • Very timely post CL and Deedee! I am one year from DDay, yep I learned my H of 17 years was having a three year affair via email from the OW H two weeks before Christmas. I received the “I hope you have a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.” text from EX yesterday. My goal is not to respond because I am proving to myself how mighty I am (even thought I have written 6 responses from FU to thanks for stealing my reality, my youth, my self respect…). My mantra this holiday season is, NO CONTACT, NO CONTACT, NO CONTACT!! #igotthis #helpme

  • I don’t care what my ex hopes for me or what he thinks of my responses any more than I care what any stranger hopes or thinks. Actually, I care less. He’s a mannequin on a planet full of actual people to me. Don’t know, don’t care, don’t want to know. It’s good to be in this place. 🙂

  • Letting Go…
    You do have this! You are on the right track, keep it up!!! I am 2 years out and finally divorced after 31 years married.
    No Contact and Create a Life You Love=best revenge ever! I promise! Stay strong!!!

  • In the last 24 hours, my STBXH has texted “Merry Christmas” and the 🎄 emoji to me twice, last week he sent me a damn holiday card featuring a delightfully fake picture of himself and my cute children, and then he said Merry Christmas to me when he picked up the kids today. And I was not triggered. (I never did say it back though. Ha.) Santa must have left some MEH in my stocking.

    I live in the Deep South, and in these parts “oh, Bless him!” (said behind the person’s back for extra passive-aggression) seems to be used more often than “Bless your heart”… which I have never actually heard someone say to another person’s face directly… word has gotten out in the last few years about what it really means.

  • The holidays seem to be a tough time for me. DD1 and DD2 happened around the holidays. I spent my Christmas last year with a lot of sadness and this was DD2. The OW came over to my home and crushed me.

    Last year around this time she came to our home. I should have known something was going on by the way my husband was acting.

    That night my stbxh and I were hanging out with some friends. He kept prolonging the night and he clearly didn’t want to go home. So we finally got home around 2:30 am and she comes walking up to us.

    At first I thought it was a neighbor that needed help because it was dark. She says:

    “I came to get my apartment key.” I was stunned. Then she looks me in the eye:

    “We’re trying to have a baby”.

    I spent my Christmas last year in a lot of pain because of his BS and the OW that never seemed to go away.

    I just don’t know why I feel like I’m always dealing with the consequences? He left earlier this year for the OW and I guess they plan to live together since he says, “I’m homeless.” It hasn’t been an easy journey, especially because it’s plastered all over social media and he repeatedly tells me that I’m a toxic person, materialistic, and selfish. I don’t get it. I put his needs first most of the time.

    It’s great to read all the changes people have gone through to a better, cheater-free life. I hope to get to meh sooner than later.

    • Hang in there, love. That is some fukked up sh!t they put you through. I know wounds of a chump don’t heal overnight; but stay mighty and time will definitely heal you. It DOES get better. Stay busy. Pick up hobbies. Go back to school. Anything. God bless

    • Lisa, it’s not uncommon for cheaters to project their worst character traits onto you. They could certainly make up any old shit, but quite often they seem to specifically figure out their own worst qualities and put them on you. Or, they’ll put their AP’s crap on you. They “split,” and YOU take all the bad crap (yours, his, hers) and they get all the good stuff–they pretend like all your good ideas and good character traits are theirs, and they give you the AP’s bad flaws. It’s really weird, but it’s from the Cheater Handbook.

      • I’ve noticed that seems to be the case in my situation. It almost seems like the OW is trying to recreate the life that me and my stbxh had. I stopped trying to make sense of it and reason all of the madness that used to go on.

        I just take it all as a message that they’re definitely living a lie or some fantasy world. Especially because he defends her like she is not complicit. She knew from the start we were married. But, it seems to be her MO.

        I’m trying to just let it go and move forward.

        • Any person that walks up to his/her lover’s spouse and says we’re trying to get pregnant or anything else along that line is completely deranged. She waited god knows how long for you to return home so she could confront you. She’s a bunny boiler and he’s stuck with her….get the popcorn and be grateful he is out of your life.

  • This was the first Christmas morning in 25 years I didn’t wake up to kids waking me up, or sulky husband even.
    Nope, just me and my dog.
    I slept until almost noon, spent Christmas dinner at my bfs house — she just had round 4 of 6 chemo treatments last Wednesday and wasn’t up to cooking. I made a few side dishes, and had a good time with her and her family.
    DS24 came overa little while.later and we went to Waffle House for dinner.
    Peaceful.
    Quiet.
    Drama-free.
    Meh-ry Christmas to all!!!

  • Ex didn’t text Merry Christmas this year. Ya think my ignoring him the other two Christmas’ gave him a clue?

    • I’ve never gotten a merry Christmas text or even being told that by exh2/TEO
      He did send me a Happy Thanksgiving text the first Thanksgiving we were divorced.
      Of course, he was already married to the now Mrs. Dumb-Ass, and secondly that year Thanksgiving just happened to be the same day on what would have been our 13th anniversary. Kibbles, much?
      I ignored him of course.
      Best answer is silence

  • I live in the land of ignorance is a bliss because I block my ex from my telephone; he can’t text, call or FaceTime. There is only one email address he has access to and he’s relegated to junk-mail status for the rest. The things that inspired me to do it? A request to go out to dinner for our “anniversary” even though we were divorced; a FaceTime call and a Happy Birthday text about 9 months after we were divorced. I can’t remember anymore if it was the FaceTime call or the Happy Birthday Text but one of those things triggered me to block him. He was living with the other women (now his wife) and I had no intention of being the hypotenuse to whatever fucked up triangle he had cooking. That was almost 4 years ago so if he has wished me a Happy Birthday; Merry Christmas or any other holiday in between I don’t know about it. Hopefully after the first round he got the hint but I’ll never know.

    Ah the beauty of absolutely no contact!

    • Im hearing you, mine had a melt down yesterday when picking the kids up, after trying to trick me into unblocking him. ‘Did you get my heart felt messages’ he couldnt sleep at 1 am and thought it was fine to wake me with his emotional vomit.
      No as per mediation you can only contact me on the landline. I took the voice mail off the landline yesterday after his spinning out. Will only speak to him in real time, gives me the power to shut that shit down in the form of hanging up or letting it ring out. Itslike the 80s all over again.
      He pushed for the kids to get phones, so he could work his charms and mind fuckery on them, the answer was no from me.
      His reaction to rejecting his hoovering is to threaten to take the house from me and the kids, truly heartless. Anyways
      Silence is golden.

  • My cheating fucktard wouldn’t dare, since the police sent him a letter telling him if he contacted me they’d arrest him ! 😂😂

  • I generally just try to turn both of our focusses onto the kids when we are both present. Otherwise I am polite and will generally respond with equally insincere pleasantries. It’s just easier that way as it keeps him from being petulant. The more I detach, the easier it gets and I haven’t had to deal much with the rage channel from him.

  • This is my first Christmas without the cheater. Last Christmas we spent Christmas at his dad’s (his mum passed away earlier in the year). I spent the entire holiday in the garden with my father-in-Law since he has a bad knee and none of the children wanted to help. Cheater went out to “meet his mates for golf” – turns out the OW followed us all the way to another city to have a secret date… while I am slaving away in the garden!!!
    This year he sent me a “Merry Christmas . Thinking of you always” text at 3pm (bored after lunch?)… my first thought was “he wants to think i am going to be sad and lonely”. I did my best not think about him at all and spend the day with my family instead. A tiny part of me feel sad but I tell myself “he’s not good enough to take up any space in my head”… hopefully next year will be better. Merry Christmas CL and CN!!!

    • “he wants to think I am going to be sad and lonely”. Yeah, I think that is what bothers me any time he says anything nice to me. It feels like he is being nice because he feels sorry for me. Bothers the heck out of me. Interesting how they can be nice and disrespectful at the same time.

  • You know why this is hard? Because you mean what you say.

    Like, when you say the happy part of “Happy Holidays,” you really do want happiness for the other person. Or, when you promise to forsake all others, you meant that, too.

    So it would be weird and out of character to say things you don’t mean. Definitely say Merry Christmas, but use a complete sentence. Something along the lines of “Merry Christmas, you lying, cheating, faithless, unfaithful, cruel, shallow bastard who has more in common with an overflowing diaper pail than you do a decent human being.” Dang, that feels good. Say that.

    However, I only recommend you say the first two words out loud. Keep the rest to yourself, hidden behind a mild but sly smile. Oh, yes, very merry.

    You have adequately exchanged pleasantries, integrity intact.

  • I thought I’d gotten through the day without having to worry about hearing from the ex. Nope. I had my phone ringer off and I got a text from him around 8 pm last night wishing me a Merry Christmas – but I didn’t hear it. Hahaha!

    Why? To remind me that his affair started with his whore in December of last year? To remind me of the past Christmases where I flitted around trying to make sure he was keeping the peace and not having any outbursts? To remind me of the comments he’d make about my family after we left their homes, insulting them? To remind me of how he’d turn a day of what should be peaceful and calm and filled with warmth into an ordeal?

    Well. I had an absolutely WONDERFUL Christmas without him. My daughter didn’t go see him and we hung out with my mom, watched Christmas movies, went to church, and even went to see Jumanji at the movie theater. It was HEAVENLY.

    You didn’t remind me of any of those awful things you did during the holidays by texting me “Merry Christmas,” douchebag, because I already created new memories this year and they were far better than any with you.

  • My ex doesn’t do this to me, he does to my adult kuds though that have chosen to break contact with him.
    3 years of text on Thanksgiving, Easter, Christmas, New Year’s Eve ( which was my d day so that’s nice) , their birthdays…..his birthday ( yep, that happened).
    That just ignore the texts and he blames me for poisoning them against him.
    They laugh when we are all together Xmas morning and their phones go off simultaneously and then they try to guess who wrote the text….him or the schmoopie. Then during some benign paperwork conversation a month later he will literally cry that they don’t talk to him…..and blame me. He says “showing my pain” did this to him and if I spoke to them and encouraged reconciliation it would help.
    They are 26 and almost 21…..they can think for themselves. It wasn’t the affair that did them in….it was his shitty character although the affair(s) didn’t help him any.
    It’s exhausting.
    I struggle way more than them.
    They get the text and I say something like “ i’ve got your back, if you ever want to spend time with your dad you know I would support you in that.” They just laugh it off, remind me that he’s toxic and they can’t be around that and they move on.
    Strong.
    No more kibbles here. The kids get the hoovering.
    I feel bad for that.
    How many years is this guy going to be put on ignore before he gets the clue to just go?
    Ugh!

  • I actually received a Christmas card. Enclosed were two $50 gift cards and a check for part of the money he agreed to pay me in our last settlement meeting. The card said, “I hope 2018 is better then 2017. More to come. Hope you are well. Merry Christmas. Love, The Worm”
    Good God, there are no words…..

  • Hahaha, yup. Same fucking story. Yes, I wanted to reply, “Go Fuck Yourself,” to his Yuletide greetings, but Momma always said, “If you don’t have anything nice to say….” Yeah, I just don’t reply-IDGAF what kind of impression it gives my ex, of me. Not my job to manage what he thinks or feels about me and it doesn’t matter to me anyway. Who cares. There’s nothing ‘to do’ about what ex says or does.

  • Yes, every year I’ve gotten a happy birthday email (the first was the week after dday and him leaving me), and also Merry Christmas emails over the 4+ years since dday. The first few years they were really painful. WHY did he do that? I assume it was because he wanted to be the “good guy” who hadn’t done something that bad and who was still friends with his exes (since that would imply what he did wasn’t so bad)? The second Christmas Eve after dday I happened to have briefly forgotten about him and the status of my life thrown off track, and then poof, he emailed his “Merry Christmas” and brought it all to the forefront again, right before the Christmas Eve service. Ugh. I couldn’t honestly reply anything nice to any of those emails over the years, so I just ignored them. This year, for the first time, I wished him a nice one back. Didn’t say “merry,” but did a minimal return greeting. I might have said “thanks” this year to a birthday greeting too.

    I’m happy and established in my new life, and he’s pretty irrelevant at this point. And now that he’s no longer with OW (and I have no idea who he is or isn’t dating), and I could say a minimal greeting honestly this time without being upset at all. If that hadn’t been true, I would have ignored it as usual. (And if my ex had done some of the awful things I’ve heard about on here, it would have a different story! I think my ex is mainly just an immature Peter Pan type with a pattern of bouncing from partner to partner, finding a new, sparkly one before leaving the old, boring one, with a brief overlap. This one is a overlapper/abandonner and not a long-term double-life cheater.)

    But because mine have all been via email, I found ignoring them to be the easiest option. And I might have to return to ignoring emails if I find that my minimal greeting causes him to contact me more and assume we’re “friends” now. No contact is still my preference. I don’t want to be friends with anyone that hurt me that bad, and I certainly don’t think that “it’s all good now” because I’m happy again. Just because that’s true doesn’t cancel out the cruelty of what he did, and he doesn’t get a free pass just because I came through it all intact.

    • Very well said! So proud of you kiddo. We all go through this confusion of “why?, why?, why?”! Bliss is realizing it was never us, but them, the spineless and immoral fucks!

  • I think that was my question CL was responding to,with modifications,though it was written some time ago.
    ‘Bless your heart’would not work in my country.Arseface would probably think I meant it literally.
    I heard he spent this Xmas alone with his ailing 92 year old mother.Things went tits up with exit AP ( he was cheating on her)and Schmoopie number 2 dumped him for …. guess what…cheating.
    Am I gloating? Yes ! Happy days.

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