Need inspiration? Look at the recent news cycles, an overflowing trash heap of sorry not sorry.
“Some of what is being said about me is untrue or mischaracterized, but there is enough truth in these stories to make me feel embarrassed and ashamed. I regret that my shame is now shared by the people I cherish dearly.” — Matt Lauer
Thanks for the caveats, Matt. And the whole regret that people you “cherish” (snort) share shame with you. (They shouldn’t. It’s yours to own. But yes, the most “regretted” thing here is that people think less of you. Did you get to your son’s school in time for the damage control?)
So, what does a lame-ass sorry-not-sorry look like?
1.) The apology is about how you reacted. I’m sorry you feel that way. I’m sorry I was misinterpreted. I’m sorry you lack the sophistication to defy the oppressive tyranny of monogamy.
2.) The apology is open to interpretation. I’m sorry IF you were hurt. Hey, taking offense could go either way. Many reasonable people would not be offended by this. I’m sorry you were, but you’re just that kind of oversensitive snowflake.
3.) The apology is really a thinly veiled insult. I’m sorry your role in this great love story was a supporting role. I suppose it’s not your fault that you couldn’t meet my emotional and physical needs the way Doreen can. Some people are born with harelips, you were just born controlling. But thank you, and thank all the Little People, for making this love affair with Doreen possible.
4.) The apology includes a false equivalency or six. I‘m sorry I couldn’t be the person you expected me to be. But we all make mistakes. Like that time you over-salted the pot roast.
5.) The apology is vague. I’m sorry for things. All the things.
6.) The actions don’t align with the apology. I will spend the rest of my life making this up to you! (Is texting Schmoopie 5 minutes later… perhaps simultaneously.) My job now is to begin soul-searching why I did this, as I wander the pony stables of my $10,000 a day sex ranch retreat and marvel at my conduct. (Me, me, me, me…. spa day! me.) I’ll be fair to you. (Fights the consequences, drags shit out in court.)
So CN, tell me about your lame-ass apologies! Or write them!