Stay in Touch

Check out CL's Book

Sorry Not Sorry

Today’s Fun Friday challenge is to share — or reimagine in snark! — the most lame-ass, self-serving apology you got from your cheater.

Need inspiration? Look at the recent news cycles, an overflowing trash heap of sorry not sorry.

“Some of what is being said about me is untrue or mischaracterized, but there is enough truth in these stories to make me feel embarrassed and ashamed. I regret that my shame is now shared by the people I cherish dearly.” — Matt Lauer

Thanks for the caveats, Matt. And the whole regret that people you “cherish” (snort) share shame with you. (They shouldn’t. It’s yours to own. But yes, the most “regretted” thing here is that people think less of you. Did you get to your son’s school in time for the damage control?)

So, what does a lame-ass sorry-not-sorry look like?

1.) The apology is about how you reacted. I’m sorry you feel that way. I’m sorry I was misinterpreted. I’m sorry you lack the sophistication to defy the oppressive tyranny of monogamy.

2.) The apology is open to interpretation. I’m sorry IF you were hurt. Hey, taking offense could go either way. Many reasonable people would not be offended by this. I’m sorry you were, but you’re just that kind of oversensitive snowflake.

3.) The apology is really a thinly veiled insult. I’m sorry your role in this great love story was a supporting role. I suppose it’s not your fault that you couldn’t meet my emotional and physical needs the way Doreen can. Some people are born with harelips, you were just born controlling. But thank you, and thank all the Little People, for making this love affair with Doreen possible.

4.) The apology includes a false equivalency or six. I‘m sorry I couldn’t be the person you expected me to be. But we all make mistakes. Like that time you over-salted the pot roast.

5.) The apology is vague. I’m sorry for things. All the things.

6.) The actions don’t align with the apology. I will spend the rest of my life making this up to you! (Is texting Schmoopie 5 minutes later… perhaps simultaneously.) My job now is to begin soul-searching why I did this, as I wander the pony stables of my $10,000 a day sex ranch retreat and marvel at my conduct. (Me, me, me, me…. spa day! me.)  I’ll be fair to you. (Fights the consequences, drags shit out in court.)

So CN, tell me about your lame-ass apologies! Or write them!

TGIF!

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • “No. Don’t get that look on your face. Don’t be mad. I told you the truth! You hate all my friends so I have to make new ones!”

    During our 5th dday, when it was uncovered that he was still communicating with a girl he met in POF during one of our breakups. Days earlier he had held my face in his hands, stared deeply in to my eyes and told me he loved me and would sever all communication with her.

    Upon the above revelation I demanded to see his phone and all their texts. He cried and pleaded with me not to do this while I asked his “why not? Something you don’t want me to see?” He denied any physical relationship and that was evident in the texts.

    But what was also evident was they he used the same compliments, wording, etc IDENTICAL to what he text me when we were first dating. Word for word.

    The end.

    • My cheater wife texted the same exact sexual phrases she has said to me over 17 years when talking to her AP

      So knife twisting horrible.

      • Take comfort from the idea that her chosen phrases never meant anything when she used them with you, either… You projected your worth and your basic humanity onto them.

        • So sorry😞

          Everything said to me, endearments etc we’re also repeated word for word to cheater’s new loves.

          You would think that someone’s new love interest, the person replacing you, would have fresh nicknames;romantic hotspots; activities and code words. That’s never the case.

        • Yes … exact same little code words and endearments. I believe it is strategic … not only do they lack imagination to come up with something new, but they are less likely to get caught if they use the same ones with everyone. “Of COURSE that text was meant for you … cause I called you honey boo boo like I always do!” Imagine him calling that name out in a crowded mall food court and 50 women swivel when they hear it …

          • “Imagine him calling that name out in a crowded mall food court and 50 women swivel when they hear it …”
            Snorting out my morning tea laughing so hard…😂

            • Same here. “I am so lucky…” is how she began every card and note to me for eight years. I read her text to the OM, in which she said, “I am so lucky…”.

              I confronted her and she claimed that it was referring to her being so lucky to have him as a work colleague. Pffft.

          • It is tragic that my fuckwit is now using things that were meaningful to our adult daughters as his tools of sexual overture. Being groupies to unusual and specifically regional bands that our girls thought were precious Daddy/Daughter bonding things are now being trotted out with the 25YO Sparkletwat (why not, she is our daughters’ age after all).

            Our daughters made it crystal clear that this was very hurtful– even last year before he poofed on me, back when he was courting a string of women at his workplace and falling into every emotional affair and flirtation he could and then coming back home to build his mental list of why I am so awful and deserving of abandonment. Our girls knew about these things before I did and they called him out on it. He just denied that it meant anything and changed the subject.

            He continues to do crap like this and shoves it up our daughters’ noses because No One is the Boss of Him. He can do whatever he wants and use whatever devices he chooses to get his rocks off even if it hurts others.

            I keep repeating this but it is so goddam shocking I have to keep writing it down to even come close to understanding his new depths of self-serving behavior: In other places here I have repeated how he stole a love story book trilogy he had given me years ago, gave it to our youngest daughter, then stole it from her to give to the Sparkletwat. That was the last straw and now our daughters are NC with the fuckwit.

            I hope Sparkletwat is worth it, that strange and pervert-ishly young pussy is worth destroying his relationship with not only the evil wife appliance but also his girls.

            I am certain the fuckwit would say, “Why, yes, yes, it is worth it. None of you are the boss of me. I will always blame the evil wife appliance for everything I have done, no matter how disgusting and self serving, or how many years go by where she has zero contact or influence on me. It is, and never will be, my fault.”

      • My ex plagiarized stuff from my dating profile (from when we met, not active during our marriage) to find his side pieces. Is this “I love you but I’m not IN love with you?” Or “I want someone just like you, but not you?” Or “my wife appliance is breaking, betting find another one on eBay as backup?”

        At any rate, I’m so glad I made such an impression.

        • My STBX and his buddies actually referred to their (trophy) second wives as “Wife 2.0”. Ugh!!

          But seriously 2nd Gen, your cheater probably recognizes that you’re a smarter, much better writer than he is, so why not steal your words for himself…

          • Well…… mine did not use the same. She always refused to talk dirty or send pics etc to me. Well turns out, she was really good at all the above! Even self pleasure videos! So it appears to me that her years of saying sex was not her favorite thing was not quite true. Sex with me was not her fav thing!

            • DavidB — let’s clarify: “sex within a loving, committed relationship is not my thing” — don’t take it personally, dear chump — you are fine husband/lover material.

          • Zell, I got that same comment, from the OW, she said “he likes me because we are so much alike, he chose me because I remind him of you” Sincerely can’t make this shit up…except I am not like you bitch, I never cheated on my husband….

      • In nowdeadserialcheaterwife’s chat logs that I discovered shortly after her death, I watched her use exactly the same strategy to nab a boyfriend online [while she was pregnant with our daughter] that she used to grab me – see a relationship on the rocks, swoop in, befriend both sides, gently drive a wedge between them from both sides, and lovebomb the guy. It was bizarre to see our relationship replayed, right down to particular phrases.

        • Ditto, I knew I’d found the ow when I saw the knitted hat she was wearing. Almost exactly the same as the one he gave me in the early days. No originality.

    • ChumpedinCanada,

      Just to see the words, “my 5th dday” makes me sad for you. Sorry you went back for so many trips through the wringer.

      Hugs. Strength. Peace.
      aeronaut

      • Yeah. Not my proudest moments. He is a covert narcissist and has everyone convinced he is “such. A. Nice. Guy.” The head games and manipulation were unbelievable now that I am no contact for 4 months. Before all this I would never have thought that someone who repeatedly told me they loved me, I was “the one”, his best friend, wants to marry me, would be capable of such harm and betrayal.

        For 2 weeks after our 5th dday he filled my voicemail and text begging for another chance to make things right etc. Sent flowers. One week after that stopped I saw him in town holding hands with a new woman (not even the one he was texting!) and he two kids eating ice cream from an expensive ice cream store I was never allowed to go to. I was devastated.

        I reached out to his ex wife and we compared stories. Everything he did to me, he did to her first. But he had us fighting my whole relationship with him (they have two boys) and portrayed her as the crazy ex. After all the breakups I started to feel sorry for her because he was making me crazy too!

        Sadly our friendship ran it’s course. But we both enjoyed that it pissed him right off. And I even wrote a letter to warn the new girl but she is super chumped worse than I am and is still with him even though I told her I am being tested for stds and all the things he would promise her. They are now going on all the trips he future faked with me.

        The hurt and betrayal and rage is like nothing I have ever felt. But I read a quote somewhere that said “Honey, I know what he’s capable of. Good luck. You can have him.”

        • “Honey, I know what he’s capable of. Good luck. You can have him.”

          YES!!! I will remember that quote with a smile every time I have to see my STBX’s next victim, the 20-something “romantic interest” as he calls her to our children (the oldest of which is 24). He is also a covert malignant narcissist who has everyone convinced he is such a nice guy/outstanding human being and that we are divorcing because either (1) we wanted different things out of life or (2) I am a disrespecting wife and cheater. (His depiction of what happened in our marriage depends on the day and what legal action I have recently filed against him.) I suppose there is some truth to his statements – I didn’t want to fuck a 20-yo and have “new children” while in my late 40s, so yeah, I guess we wanted different things out of life.

          I’m so sorry you have had to keep your head high while dealing with such a manipulative person and all the fake stuff you hear from others. It is awful – I know.
          ((((HUGS))))

        • I too am Canadian and went through multiple D-days.

          I’m sorry.

          It’s like you start to expect trauma around every corner and so many women you see around you day to day are a potential fuckbuddy to your husband. It’s horrible.

            • Anyone near the most southern part of Ontario wanting to meet up?
              I will try to get back onto the forum / but I did post my email not too long ago.
              There is miles of beach here and the welcome mat is always out for fellow chumps 😉

        • Your story is similar to mine in many ways — the multiple d-days, the fake contrition, the portrayal of his ex as needy and crazy, the lovebombing and being assured I was “the one” and that we’d be married.

          Covert narcs at the absolute worst because they are so sweet and sensitive and victimized that it MUSTbe you who is the bad/wrong person.

          I too was tempted to warn the new girl, but he’s already poisoned thatcwell, just like he did with me and his previous ex.

          They are all cut from the same, horrible cloth.

          Good on you for 4 months of NC. I am 18 NC and it gets a little easier every day.

          • Lost my dignity a little bit by warning the new GF, but I was going through STD testing at the time (from him) and was burning with rage. It didn’t help that his ex wife and I were friends and she happily kept me up to date with all the going on (they shared custody of 2 boys). It pissed me off royally that the new GF was ME when I met him. Single mom. Check. Home schools her 2 kids. Check. Only works a few days a week. Check. Happy and confident with a cool life. Check. Financially stable. Check.

            I showed his ex wife the letter I sent to the new GF and she had a good laugh at it. Said it nailed him to a T. I wrote this girl the story that he would tell her on the first date. His go-to compliments. When he would text her and what it would say. How he would get out of using a condom. How he would future fake her and with what. What a shitty father he was – all the drunk driving with his kids, etc.

            I heard that the new GF has banned him from drinking, but he sneaks it when she is not around. I also know that he slept with his ex -girlfriend during the first 2 weeks of dating the new GF. Whenever I get sad that he is being better for the new woman, I just remember was ChumpLady says: he didn’t get a character transplant.
            The guy has emotionally and financially abused women and children his whole adult life. This girl is in for the same. But damn is she stupid.

        • An ice cream parlor you were “never allowed to go to.” Now there’s a giant red flag. No one should every be able to “allow” you to do ordinary things.

          • He didn’t allow me to take the kids because he said it was too expensive. Any time I suggested it, he guffawed, said a firm no, and told me to pick up a tub of ice cream from his work (he works at a grocery store.)

            He was insanely cheap. Had me sign a co-habitation agreement when I moved in to his house. Charged me $700 / month rent – to go towards utilities and groceries. But we would go to groceries (we each had 2 kids, so 4 total), and the bill would come to $250 and at the checkout he would surprise me by telling me I could pay for it and deduct it out of my rent. I would try to explain that would leave me with $5 till next pay, and I worked out of town, I needed money for gas. He would shrug. He knew I wouldn’t freak out in the grocery store. We would fight all the way home.

            He was a real asshole and there were lots and lots of signs that I chose to spackle. The above is just the tip of the iceburg.

            • That is unbelievable and so wrong, ChumpedinCanada! I’m glad you’re rid of him and I hope you now go there often and treat yourself to lots of ice cream!!!😃🍦🍨🍧

    • All of the above applies to the cheater in my life. In fact he even said “I’m sorry you were hurt. You deserve to hurt because of how you hurt me.”. Of course I had no idea what he was talking about and then later realized he was blame-shifting and deflecting. What he meant was he was angry at me for putting all of my non-existent energy into caring for our special needs and ill children all while I was in excruciating pain myself. Therefore I couldn’t meet his “needs”. The thought to actually help me out never crossed his mind.

      Now I get “I’m sorry, we’re even now”. All because of the no contact letter I sent to ow and her husband and this apparently publicly shamed him.

      The howorker actually told me she “didn’t mean for this to happen”. I’m sure she meant that to be applied to her husband and I finding out. You know because she’s not responsible for any of her own actions.

      Most recently though I get “I’m sorry but I had my reasons”. I found out those reasons were me somehow which is really just the lies he keeps telling himself in his world.

      I told him he’s not sorry at all for his repugnant behavior. He’s just sorry he got caught. He’s sorry he couldn’t keep having his affair continue the same way with his married howorker. He’s sorry his affair was no longer a dirty little secret.

      All the communication in the world couldn’t get through to him because he was going to act on his work crush no matter what. Emotionally stunted is what I see and that’s what he should be sorry for instead.

      • Mine claimed he cheated because he knew I couldn’t have a child with him. He claimed marrying me eliminated his “legacy”.

        Yep. He’s an entitled one. His “legacy”? Like a fat book kept in an English cathedral noting all the awesome sperms realized from Assface.

      • Wow, your story sounds exactly like mine. You see, I’m the primary caregiver of our child with special needs and he would still have this gall to blame me and my daughter for his “ordeal,” which he said had forced him to seek affair and validation from his howorker.

        BTW, His howorker, according to him, gave him normalcy and excitement–i.e., after binge-drinking, they would smoke weed and find a cheap motel to have a steamy, unprotected sex. His life with me, meanwhile, was deadboring due to bills, house chores, childcare, and other “adulting” tasks.

    • Before DD#2, I found CheaterEx’s old journal of poetry and writings from when we were dating left out in the family room. I thought it odd, but figured maybe he was having a moment of nostalgia (not for me or our dating relationship, but perhaps for the younger, more artistic him pre-kids and adult life struggles).

      Nah… he was using that old shit on OWife. “Here’s how artistic, smart, and in loooove I am with you (after knowing you all of 6 months on Facebook).” Funny thing, I though his writing was crap at the time he was writing it for me, but I didn’t have the heart to tell him!

      OWife is a lucky, lucky gal… Not!

      • Mine has one poem, some crap about where the river meets the ocean that meets the sea. When I puled him up on his unoriginslity he was quite shocked.
        Pathetic, they claim to be so intelligent but cant muster up original expressions of emotion or feeling, because newsflash, they are as deep as a puddle!

        • I love your critique of his opus! LOL.

          In the dating years, he used to call me at work to read me what he’d written. It was garbage, but I thought it was sweet that he was trying (I was that twenty-something naïve girl, working in a bookstore, dreaming of becoming a poet…). Still, I’d be on the phone, at work, cringing, and then I’d have to come up with new ways of praising his “poetry.”

        • I wonder if my cheater will reuse the porn poem he wrote in which I had the starring role. At the time I was rather embarrassed when I read it and he was hurt when I didn’t immediately gush about how awesome it was and how special it made me feel when I received it. Maybe Schmoopie will have the desired reaction.

            • Wow, and I had almost buried the memory of my cheater ex’s weird, weird, weird “love” letters to me, filled with chicken-scratched ungrammatically-written accounts of the sex acts he wanted to perform on me. After an anonymous reviewer/collegue of one of his scholarly journal articles wrote “Cheater ex writes as if he’s not a native English speaker,” his ego was absolutely shattered, and I had to pat his back and boost his confidence before sending him off to conferences. I wonder if his new poopsie also has to decipher his illegible porn-fueled missives. Actually, since he can now text this crap instead of hand writing it, maybe it’s no longer so illegible.

              God, that was horrible. Why oh why didn’t I run????

      • Mine sends some crap email the morning after, about how wonderful it is to wake up next to you and how beautiful you look in your slumber… He used that one on me AND an ex-girlfriend 30 years ago. I had to laugh when I saw it again, word for word, in an email to Chickypoo hooker last summer.

        Is there some website or cheater board somewhere that maintains a reference list of stock seduction “lines” for these jokers? The whole line struck me as completely out of character (too romantic/creative) for him, even 30 years ago. But at this point I’m way past “meh” — it’s just black comedy (Settlement agreement reached this week!!! Yay!!! Chickypoo, he’s all yours!).

      • Hey!…me too they must have the same playbook. I recognized the “poetry” as well….Owhife loves it! I always thought it was sappy and insincere.. I guess that’s why she always “understands” him better. Clearly because I don’t speak stupid!

    • They develop a script over the years, and refine it and constantly use it, because it works. They only have to remember the change of names, and they can substitute honey, baby, sweet cheeks etc etc and avoid calling “Sally” , “Mary”. We need to be careful what we believe when we hear “sweet NOTHINGS”.

      I found out Ex#2, the player, (both ex’s cheated, but Ex #1 was an opportunity cheater, and Ex#2 was a professional shopper for potential cheating partners) shopped for greeting cards. When he found one he liked, he would buy as many as he needed for me and however many he had on the string at that time. He would give all of us the same card, signed with “love”. Right.

      Oh the things you learn when you work on the Marriage Police Force!!!!! Happy times!

      • My ex managed to find an AP with the same name as me. Very convenient for avoiding calling the wrong name.

        I also learned that he bought us the same gifts sometimes. In different colours.

        • That sounds like the plot line from that TV show, New Christine! Do you think it was a “lucky” coincidence, or he planned it that way???

          Maybe when he gets older and has a good case of dementia going, he can forget his own name. And where anyone lives. And that he has ED.

          Always something to look forward to.

          • I’m pretty sure my ex is giving the new poopsie the same gifts that I got all those years. Why not, since it’s so easy to keep giving ColdTurkey and his daughter the SAME EXACT GIFT over and over again. Every year my daughter muttered to me, “Mom, don’t say anything…” as she thanked him for the exact same earrings (he was up to five pairs when we split, so I’m not sure if the poor kid keeps getting new pairs.

            Hope his dementia holds off until the alimony payments run out. The ED, I don’t care any more.

        • Mine too!! At least one of the APs has the same name as me. Then he’s also awful friendly with yet ANOTHER woman with same first name. One time he actually sent an email about his travels, cc to both of us (me and latter woman, whom he swears is just a BFF). On another occasion just last year, he sent an email to me and her, asking if either of us had seen something he’d lost at the house! I went ballistic (this was before my D-day regarding Chickypoo pro-hooker, who does not conveniently carry same first name!). He of course inferred I was just paranoid/jealous. (Cheating??? — who, me?)

      • My X bought me Pablo Neruda’s love poems and inscribed it with “loving, appreciative” words for our 23rd wedding anniversary. Two years later, after DDays 1-10, a former AP contacted me and said that he bought her the same book of poetry at the same time. He read his favorite to her too and when she pointed out the irony that Neruda wrote that poem for his wife, x said “yeah, so?”

        What an evil rat bastard. Good riddance! But….. it still was very devastating to hear.

        • It’s interesting. I was cheated on once in high school with a boyfriend of two years. It’s absolutely nothing to the level of being cheated on in a marriage, I’m not making that comparison, but it started the beginning of a pattern for him if you read below.

          What is interesting is the girl he cheated on me with contacted me one day a year and a half after we broke up (like 2/ 2 and a half years into their relationship). She found a book of poetry I had written and given to him, it was a kind of scrapbook, with all of “our songs” and our inside jokes, some pictures of us etc. He had recycled all of “our songs”with her and all of our old romantic hang outs, our inside jokes, etc etc. She was so insulted that he had recycled a song to use with her, and that there was nothing emotionally original he had with her at all. Not the romantic hang outs, not the music, not the poetry. He fancied himself brilliant and super creative, a true artist in the rough. Every time he took her to dinner with his family, his parents asked him about me and what I was up to and ignored her. The poor thing was completely living in my shadow.

          She threw that scrap book out and he let her, there was one picture in there that I would have liked back, but it’s pretty symbolic. We’re all interchangeable and ultimately disposable to him. I went to college, he didn’t. I moved abroad and continue to travel, he stayed in the same 50 mile radius bouncing through people’s couches and never holding down a job. He’s supported by his now wife (a different woman) and she apparently cheats on him. He doesn’t have impression management. I haven’t talked to him in six years so maybe he turned everything around and got his life together.

          He’s the ultimate from the song “Hound dog” (the original version by Big Mama Thornton), he was never looking for a woman he was only looking for a home. I dodged a major bullet with that one. Never went for the tortured, troubled artsy types again. I’m glad I learned that lesson at 17.

          They set these patterns early and continue to perfect them as they get older, but this is never about relationships or partnerships. They can’t see past themselves, they work on a formula: if I put enough x,y and z into the lady machine, then eventually sex/money/ a place to live will come out.

    • Chumped in Canada,

      I am sorry that you went through multiple D-Days with your cheater/liar. I went through multiple D-Days with multiple exes, so I can relate.

      One evening a few months ago. my last ex-boyfriend held my hand on a walk. Once we got back to his house, he told me that he didn’t see me in his future. (I had no warning of problems in our relationship, even though I occasionally asked how ‘we’ were doing and if there was someone else.) Approximately an hour later, when I left his house, he told me that he loved me. Next morning he told me that I ‘deserved to be with someone who was present.’ A few hours later, he told me that I could stay with him, but there would be ‘no lovey dovey.’ (UBT: If you want to be me unpaid prostitute/cook/gardener/ego stroker (until I ensure that the woman I really want to be my partner agrees to become my lover/girlfriend/wife), go ahead.) The constant drastic change by Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde made my head spin! These people are incredibly volatile.

    • My cheater ex gave me the Griffin and Sabine trilogy of books years ago. When he abandoned me he stole them from me and took them. He briefly gave them to our youngest daughter, a graphic designer, which sort of made sense since they are artfully designed books. He then stole them from our daughter and gave them to a Sparkletwat our daughters’ age. Yup, he gave my actual book set to a 25YO twat waffle, a woman half his age. Our daughters are sooooo done with his bullshit. He has no original moves and has the nerve to use my gift as a path into this woman’s pants.

      Of course he says it meant nothing! Cause that is what you do with casual business acquaintances isn’t it, you send them love stories. He is a total POS.

      • Wow, I’m really triggered by this book thing. After my stroke, when I couldn’t decipher written words for years, Cheater Ex refused to read even the newspaper headlines to me. Then when I got the massively expensive phone bill (before he wised up and got the burner cell phone), he admitted that the hundreds of minutes/dollars he had spent chatting were when he was READING POETRY to a few of the women he met on some 1990s chat room.

        One of the ironies of this is that he got tired of talking to all these women because they wanted to talk about themselves, and he lost interest in the conversations.

        • What a freaking jerk! They cant give of themselves and we see the real person in time of need.
          Yes narcs and narcs not a good match, they need nice empaths to bleed them dry and hijack their soul.
          Ignored red flag for me 600$ per month, phone/internet bill. He deflected me off that trail and made sure I was to dizzy to get back on it.
          Hope you are in a better place.

      • My ex stole my boots that he gave me for my birthday (unbroken Dr martens) to his sad, gullible, little girlfriend. (had 3 of us on the go!)
        I knew he had snuck back into the house and stolen them as I could tell as soon as I walked in to the bedroom that things had been moved around…. She is literally walking in my shoes and appears to be happy and ignorant enough to do so. I had immense pleasure in telling her that the gift he ‘bought her’ was actually mine from a year ago..
        Oh well, waste no want not. And I don’t want to see his sorry ass every again! Perhaps she’d like my engagement ring too, my used toothbrush, photo albums going back 20 years….?

    • One of the clues that my STBX was seeing someone else was that he started using emoji type texts that I knew he had to have learned from someone else – and he is not the sort to try to be romantic. So, he was using the cute things she said to him (like ‘missing you terribly’ or ‘<3' ) when he texted me! I had never in our 15+ years together heard him say stuff like that, and then suddenly when he was love bombing me he threw those in. I knew that he got those from her.

    • Oh mine wasn’t nearly as good as what I am reading in the responses here! He was very physical attribute basic with nasty compliments I thought were just a guy thing but now I realize were just repeats of what he’s probably heard in porn. So NOT loving, not sexy, not endearing, very objectifying. I never saw it, but I now realize I felt it.

  • The tried and true “It just happened, I am sorry. I didn’t mean for it to happen.”
    So, what I got from this is one is, her pants were off and so were his and he just fell in… it just happened…
    😒
    Or another great one from my shiny turd “I am sorry, I love you, but I am not in lust with you.”
    WTF…Seriously! Not even an apology! Ugh!

    • We had the same husband. Mine rarely texted, answered the phone, kept his phone charged until the affair started. Then his phone was always with him, always charged, and he was texting like a fool. Yep. New behaviors are a dead give away! BTW. Since my divorce was final Monday, I have been soooo happy! My friends told me there was something about signing those papers that was liberating. It’s true! Have heart CN, light at end of tunnel and it is not fuckwit coming at you!!!! Hugs!

      • I always thought of the old Reeses commercial whenever I heard this excuse. Like she was walking down the street, bumped into a guy and was like “Hey your penis is in my vagina.”
        He responds irritadedly “No! Your vagina is on my penis”

  • Hmm nice question

    When in theropy to try and fix our marriage the therapist asked my (now x-wife) what did she do wrong in the marrage and what was she sorry about.

    Her response was priceless.

    She said what she did wrong in the marriage was put up with me for 13 years and cook, clean, do laundry etc…

    In the same session the therapist asked her if she can remember any happy moments in our marriage.

    Her response was NO

    Therapist then asked, so you where never happy at the wedding?

    Her response was NO

    So then she asked, why did you marry someone that never made you Happy?

    Her response, Because I felt sorry for him.

    #########################

    I am so glad she is an X and I only have to deal with her for 3 1/2 more years till my daughter graduates high school.

    • Lothos, that’s all a bunch of lies that your ex said. I do hope you know that on a cellular level. She’s rewriting history to justify her actions. My ex didn’t go as far back as our wedding day (but he would have if he had to!). He went back about ten years and then started rewriting history. It’s all a bunch of bs.

        • Mine said he was uncomfortable the ENTIRE marriage. I said really the entire marriage? He replied, yes. Why the hell did he marry me then?

        • Yep, mine rewrote history by saying he fell out of love with me 10 years ago. He says he stayed for the children so actually he’s the hero of the story. (The story got rewritten after he begged me to tear up the divorce decree before we signed it). The story changes with each listener and at different points in time. D.E.N.I.A.L. – don’t even (k)now I am lying.

          • Yeah my ex wife told me it never felt right..after 24 years…yeah ok. Like Never? It’s just bullshit they use to justify their actions.

    • Ugh, Lothos. I feel your pain. Mine rewrote history with the whole We Were Incompatible. So why did you marry me?!

      Actually we WERE incompatible: I’m a nice person and he’s a fucktard.

    • Ugh. Rewriting history is the worst. Mine suddenly hated our wedding vows and hated that I decorated the house for Christmas. (first I’d heard any of this and also WTF?) and said “I’m sorry I didn’t leave when I knew you couldn’t make me happy 12 YEARS AGO” Um…so why did you not just break it off then? “I was afraid”he says. Mofo please. Not afraid to sleep with everyone in town evidently. He also conveniently forgot all of the times I dragged my ass to his music crap and instead harped on, literally, the one time I didn’t go to in 11 years. Every time I would counteract his bs with FACTS he would tip his head and say, “hmmm oh yeah…BUT” and then back to fantasy-deflection-blame-land he would go.

      • I thought I would be so sad decorating for Christmas after he was gone. NOT!! These two Christmas seasons without him are better. No Mr. Ass asking when I will shut off the Christmas music so he and son can watch TV while I do the decorating. He didn’t actually ever say he hated it but the vibe was clear as day the final Christmas two years ago.

      • HappyToBeDone

        😀 I just love that!!! Please may I use it next time satan texts me undying love???

        Ummmm…MOFO PLEASE

        😀 😀 😀

        Thank you!!! 🙂

    • Oh gosh, that’s awful! I had forgotten about that one; upon cheater narc ex’s first or second hoovering attempt, I asked what he wished he had done differently, in our relationship. This man had cheated twice, was physically threatening several times, was a crabby, unpleasant person and super lazy about his relationships, even w/his kids.

      His answer; ‘I should have been clearer about my needs’.

      And that was while trying to charm me and get me back!!! Chump face-palm.

    • One, she’s a fucking twat. And I know you know she is and that intellectually you know nothing she says is relevant. It still hurts though. I’m sorry.

  • Cheater wife: ” I’m sorry, but I’m just not strong like you. You had a difficult childhood, mine was easy- it made me weak.”

    • Wow. Quite a switcheroo there.

      Instead of “Its not my fault, I had a difficult childhood,” it’s “Its not my fault, I had an easy childhood.”

      #mindpretzel

      • Really goes to prove they can rationalize *anything*.
        It’s our job to react to that with a huge WTF? when we know they’re not making any sense.
        I spackled over his reasoning for so long, thinking “well, if that’s how he feels…”. I was even encouraged by therapists to accept whatever explanation he gave, because “it must be true”.

        /facepalms, plural

        • Now that I am NC for quite some time, looking back, untangling the skein was really stupid and such a waste of time. Delusional grandeur is one of the hallmarks of disordered people. Word salad, rationalization are such prized possessions in their toolkit for evading life’s consequences.

          The thing I am most bitter about was he used my sympathy for him against me. Now that I wised up a little there is no way I am going to let anyone treat me like that again. I also read that highly skilled manipulators often use the pity card as an excuse so now I consider those behaviours as red flags.

      • Ho – ho and I thought I was the only one who got this! The ultimate result of having loving parents who gave you the world and shielded you from trauma was….

        you grew up into an adult who, when the going got tough, dropped his pants for the first slut who waggled her fanny and asked, “Want a piece of this, babe?”

        Jeez.

      • I received something similar.

        “I might act like I’m strong, or unaffected by what’ occurred in the past 7 years and I think I’ve relied too much on Stoicism to mask how much I’ve been affected. My stoicism has led to an existential crisis.”

    • Yeah, my cheater ex-wife gave the similar, “You’re so strong and independent. It didn’t seem like you needed all of me.”

      Wait, WHAT? I didn’t realized I only married PART of you. Like our 22-year marriage was an apartment in the building that was her wonderful ness.

      • My cake-eater actually made “pie chart” examples early in our relationship to justify why he should keep an ex-girlfriend around. I told him I wanted all of him. He said we each had our separate “cake”. CompartiMENTALizing. I told him if there were more cakes, I wanted them all. He dropped the friendly ex-gf like a hot potato, the one who “no girlfriend will ever ask me to ditch”. He gave in so he could keep playing.

        • Wait, WTF???! He kept a “throwaway” ex-girlfriend around as a strategizing ploy? Lol!! Like, “I’ll ditch this one so nobody will notice the others in my back pocket”? What a fucktard!

          • I believe in the end it’s how it played out. I don’t that he discarded her on purpose (who knows), since that was very early in the game, but the mentality of “see what a good boy I am? I don’t do X anymore (so I can do Y behind your back)” was definitely his style.

            “See? I don’t have Facebook anymore! (So I can lie about what is on there)”
            “See? I don’t speak to howorker anymore! (So I can sexy up a different one!)”
            “See? I go to therapy now and I’m happy! (So I can just keep hiding all my inconvenient past)”

            Buying credit so he can keep believing he’s a “good person”.

      • I get the same rationalisation when it comes to parenting with ex. “You’re so capable, I’m not really needed”. Cue another long vacation with ow instead of spending time with his kids he hasn’t see in six months.

        • Oh jeez that sounds familiar. I remember talking to my ex about her spending more time with our daughter after she moved out to be with her AP and she said “she’s really been through a lot I don’t want to disrupt her life..” meaning she didn’t want her weekends fucking her new boy toy disrupted

    • My ex also told me through tears that he was weak. Yet other times he applauded himself for being strong enough to “be true to himself.” He (and many cheaters like him) is master of situational truth, AKA the “truth” that has the most utility in that moment. So here’s my word salad snark version of his “sorry not sorry” statement inspired by weak cheaters everywhere.

      “I’m sorry that I was weak (even though you probably made me that way). I am weak and you are strong. But you are also weak and I am also strong. We are both weak, and we are both strong. But really, there is no such thing as weak or strong, there is only truth and self. I’m sorry that you are both weak and strong, and that you are neither weak nor strong. I hope that in time you will find your way and become a vulnerably strong self-seeker who does not label strength or weakness. I’m sorry that I had to put you through this to find my strength, but I am a better person because of it.”

      • Does it give you a fit of giggles to picture him sitting down to write that circular garbage, in his undies and with a bag of cheese doodles nearby? “What to write, what to write…? I know!”

        I’m a little sad that CheaterEx no longer crafts long, bullshit emails to me anymore. I used to laugh my ass off at his poor writing skills and his arrogance, picturing him stroking his chin to choose just the right (or, more accurately, wrong) word and then giving himself a smug little pat on the back when he was finished.

      • Free vix,

        There’s beauty in the grotesqueness of that, somehow. Perhaps because it sounds so familiar to me and finally, I’ve found people that agree how messed up that is?
        In any case, they truly, truly believe that BS. It’s staggering.

  • “I am sorry we got to the point where you felt it was necessary to hire a lawyer.” This was after he “missed” two consecutive child support payment deadlines. And BTW all hell broke loose afterwards. The harrassment and shit storms intensified to hurricane proportions. Luckily it’s all over now, but boy, couldn’t we just be best buddies instead? Motherfucker.

    • Oh the word salad and imitation apologies…

      -“I hurt you but then you hurt me (? No examples of how I hurt him, just his feels) so I hurt you again. It was never going to end so I’m glad you caught me”.

      -Told our adult son he was sorry for my pain and he would always take care of me (image management). This in the same week I had to take him to court for temporary maintenance and I had surgery to remove large, highly aggressive cancer tumors. Seriously! You can’t make this stuff up.

      -“I know this isn’t what you want but it’s what I want and I’ve never been selfish or put myself first”.

      So disordered…

  • My apology was written by Hallmark. He couldn’t be bothered to string a sentence together so he bought a card and signed his name. Pathetic.

  • I would like to share the apology that came from the OW that was my friend and neighbor for many years. She sent me a text that said “I’m sorry I betrayed you, it just happened but there were problems in your marriage long before I came along and you just need to get over it.” It took everything I had in me not to walk down to her house and beat her face in!

    • Wow! Just wow! What an asshole. You are very brave, on the other hand. I bow to your strength and mightiness.

    • I had a very similar OW, who was also my “friend”.
      Double betrayals are just the worst kind of Mind-Fuck.
      Glad you were strong and not beat her up, they are not worth it!

    • If that was to be made into a Hallmark Greeting card – what would the picture be?!? House on fire? Dead puppies in a basket ?

      Betrayed – I don’t know how you could have kept your shit together. What a c_nt!!

  • This one’s a softball — and appropriate today, as this would have been our 17th anniversary.

    KK sent me a note 5 days after the divorce was final. It’s a masterpiece of all things “narc”, but included in it was this “apology” —

    “First, I am sorry. I am sorry that we promised ‘forever’ to each other when we had no concept of what ‘forever’ meant. If there is fault in that promise, we both have that burden—how can we blame each other for what we could never have possibly understood then? We were naive, we were clueless, we were still growing when we made our vows. We did not know that we would grow apart.”

    • UXworld, change all the ‘wes’ to I and she had it right! There is no end to their centrality. My STBX simply told my children on an email…….”your mother was t happy either but she’s in denial’. No one has contact with him.

    • UXworld,

      So much of KK’s obfuscating can be described as, “these word thingies, they have some sort of meaning attached to them, you know, by other people, but it’s all so fuzzy, and I don’t know how people understand what other people say, or think, or even what I think, ….”

      And then there’s the notion that it’s your fault (at least partially) that you, at your wedding, didn’t understand her future desire to have sex with other men and make allowances for it. Priceless.

      Hugs. Strength. Peace.
      aeronaut

    • Omg seriously with the WE? We didn’t understand what forever meant? Just pawning that crap off on you? Wow. Just wow

    • “We” is used after a divorce? I think not! Look at that blame-shifting onto you, that is some mental mindwarping. Glad to hear you got divorced !

  • Its what are men do!, (sorry), he said. After verbal abuse from the ow, (he said she’s always nice to me. She doesn’t want her kids (that’s why I like her). I feel they are sorry because he got caught out. He actually thinks he quite clever.

  • Ooh, ooh, here’s a good one I got: I’m sorry for the bad and hurtful ways I dealt with the pain you caused me.

    No lie. I laughed out loud.

    • Oh yes familiar here. I caused him so much pain when I asked him why he is distant. Come to find out he had decided to divorce me without me knowing at all. The pain I inflicted onto him by asking questions about his aloof and distant behavior was too much for him to bear he had to have an affair to make himself feel better. Yet it’s all my fault due to the pain I caused him.

    • With you sister! Why would he apologize when everything is 100% my fault.

      There was one text to my daughter saying he was sorry for the pain she and her siblings had to go through but I think that pain just fell out of the atmosphere kind of like rain.

      And I lost count of the number of times he accused me of never apologizing. He forgets the stupid 4 page apology letter I wrote right before day. I basically apologized for waking up each morning and causing all of the misery in his life . #ultimatechumpmoments

    • One year divorced. Not only have I NEVER received an apology, I have never been told! Thirty five years married and I didn’t deserve an explanation.

      • NotMyFault

        35 years here also NEVER apologized either. I was in denial for 2 years didn’t want to believe he was having an affair. The OW whore knew he was married but didn’t care. Of course he slandered me
        lying about me & how miserable he was. When I confronted them at her house, they verbally attacked me laughing & humiliating me.

        Two weeks later I served him divorce papers. He lived with the whore, traveling the world but
        Karma hit him… whore died in a car accident!

        He’s now living in a basement apartment alone!
        Such a shame- threw away a wonderful life for what?

        Narcissistic evil sociopath 👿

        • I am awaiting Karma. Saw a recent picture of him and he looks like hell. Doesn’t have me to take care of him any longer!

          • Its funny how these things do catch up with them. Mine too. My Mr Cheater with more the merrier, anyone that would play but nobody special – went from :-

            Pre-Dday
            1. New wife who adored him
            2. Beautiful detached house
            3. Two Mercedes,
            4. Successful business making 5 figure profit every month
            5. Contact with children from previous relationship
            6. Three holidays a year.

            After D-day 2.
            1. Lives alone / wifey long gone
            2. Rents down at heel little house with no garden
            3. Lost business and works all hours virtually at minimum wage to make ends meet
            4. Rides a bike as cant afford to run a car
            5. Paying back child support and no contact with grown up children from previous relationship who want nothing to do with him.

            For anyone wondering if what goes around really does come around, give it time and you’ll see that yes it definitely does. Some cases may take longer than others but it will happen

      • I’m in your camp, NotMyFault. Mine is such a patholgical liar that he still denies the affair, despite all the evidence. (But after all, the governing principle of his life seems to be “if you just keep lying hard enough, you will eventually get away with it.” Tell that to Lance Armstrong.)

        • Ex also denies the affair. But after moving in the OW the day after I moved out, I called him and yelled at him and of course kept saying you aren’t having an affair with this person, but she moves in the day after I move out??
          He said, “I’m sorry what was I supposed to do? You moved out and I have to pay you child support. I need someone to help with the rent.”

          • Ah yes. The ultimately shitty blameshifting of trying to blame YOU for the AP moving in. I too got that. When STBX rented a house with the ho he was all squirrelly about whether he had a roommate at all…I finally pinned him into admitting that yes, she was sharing rent costs but “I was forced into it because you won’t agree to lowering the child support payments!!” But no apologies at all…why should he apologize when he never cheated (his words)…it was just “time to move on” from the marriage.

    • No apology here either. He’s not sorry either for anything, because in his personality disordered mind, he hasn’t done one darn thing wrong! It’s his DNA (yes, he said this to me in the Divorce Letter) that drives his need to have many, many “healthy female friends” — AKA pathologically lie, cheat, commit adultery, strippers, porn and all the other stuff his DNA has programmed him to do. And then he brings God into the mix of all this and pretty much says God made him this way. Ugh, no. Last time I checked, God wants us to not do all these bad things. Nice try, cheater.

      • He does have a point that biology drives people to these kind of behaviors. Where he misses the boat is that, while animals respond to animal drives, we’re supposedly better than that. We can defer short term pleasure for long term good. Well, some of us can, anyway, those of us who have risen far enough up the evolutionary scale to put our animal desires in perspective.

        Hugs. Strength. Peace.
        aeronaut

  • All of the above. Nothing original. Nothing special. Just the playbook responses/sorrys.
    It was all my fault anyway so why would I expect anything different?
    (Heavy sarcasm there if you can’t see it because font, internet etc.)

  • Oh boy, I did get an apology email a year and a half ago that I haven’t looked at since then. It’s pretty long, but here’s a couple highlights:

    “I’m sorry that I was unable to express my needs to you in a way that you could understand” referring to sex. This one pisses me off. I understood your needs just fine buddy. And I also understood that my needs didn’t matter.

    “I am sorry for many, many things that I did to contribute to the ending of our marriage.” Things. Contribute. No cheater, not contribute. caused outright.

    ” I will not let the end of our marriage define how I think back at our life together.” Good for you. I will, because it turns out you were giant asshole the whole time

    • I got a similar one: “I’m sorry I didn’t feel like I could talk to you and tried to find acceptance elsewhere.” “If I’d just talked to you none of this would have happened”. Oh really?? You mean you destroyed our life and all you had to do to avoid it was “talk”…?

      How about you just responded when *I* tried to talk to you??? Asking if everything was alright, trying to discuss sex and other important issues and all I got was stonewalling?
      The nerve on these people….

      • I feel as if I just read an excerpt from my own life. I was told he didn’t feel he could talk to me. Sounds more like he didn’t want to talk with me because he knew exactly what he was doing. The silent treatment after I asked him anything at all pertaining to him personally was unbelievable. It’s my fault for asking him anything because that pushed him away. Talking with him or even simple communication was beyond him at this point because he couldn’t see past the current moment pertaining to his “life” that I destroyed due to his free and clear decisions for his life.

        • Yup, I got told I was the problem. He ignored me every single day and I was the problem. He is a child. Passive aggressive and childish, he will do that with every other woman too though, that is some consolation I guess.

        • He said “we don’t communicate”. That’s because he wouldn’t talk to me. He pushed me away, acted like he didn’t want me around and when that caused me to retreat, he blamed me for not giving him enough attention.

        • NotAgain, I got the same. He told people he couldn’t talk to me, although I PLEADED with him for YEARS to talk to me about his feelings. All he would ever discuss was work, sports, or kids. Nothing else. I even drug him to marriage counseling where he barely participated. However, when he announced he was leaving he said, “We went to marriage counseling but it didn’t work.” He also told me he had looked on the internet for answers to his frustrations and “tried some of those things” but they didn’t work. Ridiculously afraid of sincere communication.

          • Lyn, they cannot talk about anything other than work, sports or kids. They are not in touch with who they are to talk beyond those subjects.

            • Oh boy…just reading all this is triggering…satan exactly…almost all of these…

              Read this earlier…good read…explains a whole bunch…not that all of us didn’t already know these things…but…for struggling newbies … wish I’d read it like, I don’t know…when I was a young 20 something…yes!

              https://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-28176/the-8-types-of-narcissists-how-to-spot-each-one.html?utm_term=pos-10&utm_source=mbg&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=171202

              • Hi ColdTurkey 🙂

                I’m glad that it helped you too! 🙂 But I’m sorry it applied also.

                Knowledge is power. Better to know what we are dealing with I think…better to come armed to the battle 🙂

                Wishing you and all of CN Merry Christmas!!! 🙂

              • Is it possible that they possess several of these different types? Because I recognize, Cheater, Selfish Jerk, Control Freak, and the Victim in my STBX. He is currently playing the victim card. He left his wife with cancer and HE is the victim. He just couldn’t take my behavior anymore. You know all that asking for help with chores because I was tired from cancer treatment.

              • (((((((Cancer Chump)))))))

                I hope you are feeling better! …evil bastard…he doesn’t deserve to have even stood in your presence, let alone participated in your life! …unbelievable…these disordered inhuman creatures are just unbelievable!

                Yes, satan is also a blend of most of these. From what I’ve learned cluster b’s come in lots of flavors…and they get worse with age. satan sure did.

                Many bear hugs to you Cancer Chump 🙂 You are mighty! I hope you have a delightful and peaceful Christmas and get lots and lots of IRL hugs!

          • Yep. And I fucking beleived it. And wrote him a 6 page letter enumerating the many ways I did it & how I was going to rectify it. Such a dummy I was. 😱

    • The most galling thing about his lenghty apology email to me was that, in spite of being long enough to include dumbass blameshifting things like “I’m sorry we didn’t have date night every week”, he didn’t apologize for, or even acknowledge, the cheating and lying about it that went on for three years.

  • Ummm…. apology …. nope no such thing. everything was my fault. I am to blame and he has “nothing to apologise for”.

    • Ha! I was about to post almost the same thing!
      They apologize???? Who does?? Not my ex unless you count the “OMG, I said I was sorry”( you have to imagine the eye roll and annoyed tone.)

      • ..Obviously followed by “I can’t undo the past, so what more could I do?”
        I don’t know, be a decent human being with morals of truth and justice and humility, instead of an abusive prick??

      • Me too, @sugarglider and @paintwidow!

        “I’ve already apologized.” Pretty sure I’d remember that.

        I am to blame for “having opinions” he didn’t agree with that he didn’t feel he could speak up about without upsetting me (but the OW would listen, and she wouldn’t get angry!) and also I didn’t get mad about things sometimes that he thought I should. Yes, these statements contradict each other, and no, he could not give examples.

        • I am to blame for “not letting him have opinions” or “not letting him disagree with me”.
          Funny, if I had that much mind control over him, why would I use it to make him be an asshole?

      • PaintWidow, those were the ones I got as well. I would try to reason with him forever, about why the things he did were so hurtful, and finally I’d ask incredulously Well Aren’t You Even Sorry?!

        The answer, yelled at me: I’m SORRY! Okay?! I’m SORRY!

        Ummmmm sure you are. And then I would get reminded later that he had apologized, so why wasn’t I over it already.

        Sorry is as sorry does — that’s what my grandmother used to say, and it mirrors CL’s message: believe their ACTIONS over their WORDS and trust that they suck.

        • OHN,

          Your ex must be a fan of the John Candy movie, “Uncle Buck”……Cheaterpants is
          (The scene with the teen boy in trunk, then John Candy driving golf balls at him)

          Many of us received this type of non-apology “apology”……….{{{BARF}}}

          Love to ALL of ChumpNation! We have ALL been ForgingOn! in the most spectacular ways!!

        • OHN,
          Sister, I’m with you! I taught my children “‘Sorry’ is a description, NOT an apology.”
          Here’s an apology:
          Tell me what you DID ,
          that it was WRONG,
          that you REGRET hurting me,
          what you are going to DO to make it RIGHT,
          that it won’t happen AGAIN.

          And even with all that, acceptance of the apology and forgiveness are still OPTIONAL – not guaranteed or expected.

          • Yes! “Sorry is as sorry does.”
            He’d give half-hearted, hollow apologies, then insisted he said sorry, what more do I want!?

            For a while I was stuck on having to explain not feeling he was sorry. But that’s a slippery concept. “What do I have to do to show I’m sorry? I already said it!”

            I was tempted to quote my three year olds’ favorite TV show, wherein they make up little songs to teach kids social skills: “Saying I’m sorry, is the first step, then How can I help?”

            Come to think of it, he could use most of the lessons they teach to toddlers in this show.

            Scary but true.

      • Yes I get, “I won’t apologize again because it will lose meaning. In fact I don’t think apologies mean anything.”

        • This is true, sorry to him was the one word, nothing about not doing it again or making ammends, just that one word and a bit of dribble.
          Never been big on sorries as I try and live a life in which I dont need to be sorry for hurting someone or being inconsiderate.

    • Ditto not only did I never get any kind of an apology rather everything was MY fault !! Even though she cheated, filed for divorce, had OM move in right after filing with our 3 kids, etc I am to blame.

      I swear I would rather have gotten a half assed apology than the gaslighting and blameshifting everything onto me.

  • he blindsided me by running of with ow while I was at work. He left his phone behind so he couldn’t be tracked. I retrieved deleted texts to find out wtf was going on. When they resurfaced I got…. I’m sorry you felt the need to read other people’s texts and invade our privacy.

      • yeah, this topic is making me rage like no other!
        Really makes my blood boil…I guess it’s because I offered so many chances to redeem himself and he kept spouting crappy variations of “meaningless, useless apology”.
        I think that’s what it comes down to: how you repair (or not!) the error of your ways is even more crucial than the misbehavior itself. Because that’s actually directed at us, they have a chance (or a hundred, as chumps) to show they care and all of these answers is what we get..???
        No, no, no, utterly unacceptable. There’s no excuse for a lack of conscience.

        • I agree. Many chances given. So many choices they could have made differently. I remember crying to my mom asking her what more could I have done. She calls him “the f*cker” and says I did more than most.

          It just kills me that he’s turned it all around in to me “running out on him.” And he was hurt too but decided it was time to move on and be with someone who “wouldn’t run out when the chips were down.” I literally gashed my teeth in fury when I saw him write that.

          The chips were down because of HIM and his shitty life choices that I tried to spackle and fix. It was always HIM.!!!!!

          • Remember that Narcs are never ever responsible for anything !!
            If you asked my Ex (who cheated, left me for OM, stole thousands from me, etc) she would swear on a bible that everything was my fault and go on a 15 minute diatribe of what a SOB I am. If you brought up anything she did she will get furious and stomp off (I’ve heard from some of my former relatives in her family that that has happened to them).

            Ehh, be glad you are away from the crazy.

  • Ever-so-slight topic digression:

    An apology, spoken or written, is meaningless if it is not followed through with apologetic actions and behaviours.

    #thingsIhavelearnt

    • Seconded! I got sorry for a while (couple years, actually), but other types of shitty behaviors still followed. Character is everything, they can speak the words, doesn’t mean they mean the same to you.

    • Ooh! Off The Crazy Train, maybe that’s what my cheater meant. That apologies don’t mean anything to him because he never rectifies his wrongdoings. He just says “it is what it is”. 😝

  • In a letter from my ex-fiancé after informing me she was pregnant and it wasn’t mine: I’m so sorry, I didn’t want to hurt you, but you just weren’t there for me when I needed you. (I was 1000 miles away in the Service at the time).

    • Thank you for your service, Ivy_Tech! I’m happy that you got rid of the skank. She certainly did you a service by leaving your life while you still have LOTS of life left. Now take your time finding a woman who’s worthwhile. No more skanks!

    • That sucks Ivy_Tech but I will give her a bitch cookie for being honest with you and not marrying you and making you think that the baby was yours (which has happened to ALOT of guys).

      • Oh, don’t I know it! I would have been doing clandestine DNA checks to find out because, frankly, I never did trust her completely. Should have dumped her months before and had my picker overhauled, but I was young and stupid. Karma is sweet, though, I have a faithful, lovely wife now and she is divorced (several times) and living alone. Too bad, it could have been so much different for her if only she had a little character and a sense of honor.

  • This is the one year anniversary to my Dday with my wife. Unlike most of you, I have never received a apology. Nope, all I ever got was “I’ve done nothing wrong.”
    Filed a month ago, her strategy is to do nothing, no lawyer, no response to divorce papers, just living like nothing is happenin. Very bizarre.

    Have a great weekend,
    Happy anniversary to me lol

    • I hope you are able to reclaim this “anniversary” day and focus on your new journey towards gaining a life without a cheating narcissistic 🙂

    • The limbo is killer and they think they can keep one foot in the marriage for a possible return incase the running off into the sunset doesn’t work out for them with their fuckbuddy. The no decision IS a decision. This just leaves you the one who has to act on it solo.

      • Ugh. My first husband did this to me. Abandoned me, but kept me hanging on. When a woman called (about 8 months into this limbo) to let me know he was living with her and to leave him alone, I finally took it upon myself to divorce him. We had no kids and no property, but he claimed he didn’t have enough money to file for divorce. It cost me like $50 for a do-it-yourself uncontested divorce.
        And I only recently figured out that BOTH of my husbands were narcs. And probably my long-term high school boyfriend too. My picker needs fixing for sure!

        • 13 years so sorry for what you went through. Is it just me or does anyone else feel that as fantastic support it is to read everyone’s story at CN, its also really frightening to realise how commonplace these experiences are. Its shocking just how many people there are out there with zero morals, loyalty or integrity. Don’t think I’ll ever trust anybody EVER again.

    • It will be okay, 50 Chump. And someday you will realize she did you a favor. I’m almost 3 years post divorce after 30 years of marriage. I can assure you, I’m so, so happy I’m not dealing with the mind games anymore. It’s very peaceful in my house. It’s quiet. It’s a bit lonely. But I’d much rather have this peace than the mind-fuckery I’ve dealt with for years. Take a breather and find out who you are. I bet you’re a pretty neat guy. Believe in yourself.

  • Oh, I got the standard “I’m sorry you got hurt.”
    It was such a laughable apology because I had read about it here (exact word for word) before I ever heard the words.
    I just gave him the “really?” Look and tried hard to stifle the laughter, which made him mean.

    Thank goodness I found this website before confronting Narkles the Clown! May everyone who has ever contributed to this site find shining happiness in their lifetime.

    • I wish that I had come to CL and CN too before “the apology” which was just “I’m sorry.” And nothing more. I sat dumbfounded, just paralyzed by pain (and also thinking – this is it? He doesn’t even look sad, he honest to God just looks like he is checking a box that he felt needed to be checked, like he is running through his to-do list and his mind is already on the next to-do). After having read CL and CN, my response would now be, “Please tell me specifically what you are sorry for” and watch the squirming begin. Maybe at some point I will get a do-over, but that would have been validating.

  • I wish I could want to be with you and help you during times like this. (When you and our small children have the stomach flu. Instead I’m out the door to shmoopies unbeknownst to you.). But, I’m just not a nurturer.

    • Here too. He insisted being nurturing was more my nature than his yet he can care for his pets when they are sick with no problem. I surely must ask too much of this person who chose to marry me, have children, bought a house etc etc….

  • Rage Satan: (evil voice) “I’m sorry you are so f@cking stupid and insecure. You think you know what I’ve done, but you have no clue. You know nothing! Get it thru your thick skull I didn’t do anything with those women. Sexy wives keep their husbands attention you’d think you’d have figured that out by now. You should apologize to me for making me do this to you!”
    Pity-party Satan: “I’m not a bad person! I have a heart of gold!! Why are you punishing me?? You hurt me so terribly. I’m sorry but I am just wild, that’s all! You don’t understand meeeee”
    Charming Satan: “I’m not going to make any excuses for me behavior. I was wrong. I didn’t think you would find out. I never wanted to hurt you. Now look what you did. You go snooping around again and look what happens. I do love you. I was just bored. I miss you.”
    👹✋

      • In their shoes. Because then you are a mile away — and you have their shoes.

        This is what always runs through my mind when people (including the ex fucktard) try to “helpfully” remind me that I need to walk a mile in his shoes before I judge him. Poor sad sausage, because adulting is haaaaaaard.

    • Oh my! That’s some scary shit. I’m so glad you know the 3 channels and can clearly identify them!! You are on the path to meh!!!

  • I’m sorry that she was there for me when you weren’t. And due to that unfortunate set of circumstances, that’s how we ended up where we are. I’m sorry
    UBT: I’m horny and need to be noticed and taken care of. While you were taking care of our daughter with special needs, I decided I had special needs too. Luckily my co-worker offered her services of sex and blow jobs in the shower. We even talked about molding my penis into a vibrator (great Christmas gift for the AP). So I’m going to do as I’ve always done and put myself first. And please don’t get an attorney, I plan to fuck you over financially. Happy Anniversary

    • Yeah, those pesky responsibilities like a special needs child!!!
      DD is Autistic, and exh2/The Evil One abandoned not only me, but her as well to make himself a new “normal” family with OWhore and her two kids — their dad abandoned them and OWhore for HIS OWhore, so the magnanimous Evil One out on his super hero cape and became their hero.
      Gag. Hurl.

      • Oh, I am so sorry. Parents of special needs kids and the kids themselves are in such a vulnerable position already. Then to have your spouse reject you both and start a new family? That kind of betrayal is unimaginable.

    • Mine gave MOW a vibrator for Christmas last year. The same model he gave me a few years ago.
      Not an original thought…in either head.

  • My favs are the apologies she worked on with others before hand. Like a literary expert that can tell you what Shakespeare wrote or plagiarized, I can identify what was her voice or the voice of one of her “men”. The “I’m sorry I didn’t choose you” type of apology is therefore my fav. Even less self aware, and more idiotic than usual, these apologies made me grateful that these men had been providing her legal advice the entire time as well.

    • Yeah lol it’s definitely in the handbook. Funny thing is that he texted, emailed, and called me every minute for the last 8 years. Absolutely exhausting. So how he was ever neglected or bored I’ll never know. What I think is that They really are black empty holes and no amount of attention/stimulation ever makes them feel at peace. For years of our marriage he texted me and 1-3 other women every single day all day from 530am to 530pm at work. I don’t think I’ve said I was “bored” since I was 12 years old. Children get bored. I’d like to give him a board right across his face 🤣😇

      • Whatringofhellisthis

        LOL

        I got, I wanted the attention because I was bored at work. Really? You worked on different floors, I doubt it was the attention you were seeking since I was vying for your attention and I got none. Seems he just decided he didn’t like me anymore but didn’t bother to tell me, ya know like the super-duper-best-friend-that-he-says-he-is-to-me-even-now.

        • Yep! These creatures are all unoriginal freaks. Could you imagine cheating and your reason is that you were bored at work. I cant even.
          Satan started texting whore each day while he was in the shower, shaving, getting dressed, kissing me goodbye… So ya bored getting ready for work too!? And texting the whole drive home… he’s bored driving.
          “Bored” to me is just like saying “it was out of their control”… So they have no accountability. like being thirsty. Gotta hydrate when thirsty. Who could tell someone to die of dehydration. They don’t realize they are morons.

      • Me, too. Text every hour on the hour. What am I doing? Who am I doing it with? I’m coming home for lunch can you make me a grilled cheese? Did you let the dog out? Can you put my beer in the fridge? Etc etc.

        When I moved out and went no contact the first time I was like a trained dog. I would be doing someone and then look up at the clock at exactly the time he would have text me. Sometimes it still happens and it makes me sad that I lived like that.

        • Totally totally relate to that. Sorry you lived it too. I have to keep my phone on vibrate now. I couldnt stop panicking every time I heard my phone.

  • Mine said, “I’m sorry.” Exactly twice.

    That was it. Nothing else.

    Oh, that he was trying really hard to not hate me. That was about a month afterward before I ever went apeshit at all. So I did.

    And now he’s got a good reason to hate me.

    • Same here. He was upset that I now had justification for my anger towards him you know because ignoring me, belittling me, sneaking around behind my back and lying straight to my face for years doesn’t count. He said he is still here and doesn’t understand why I’m angry at all.

      • I think mine is pissed that I have the audacity to be pissed…after everything I did “to” him.

        I’m still trying to figure out what that was.

        When he dropped the bomb that he was leaving me, I asked him why he even married me in the first place. He was pissed that I asked and called it a ‘trick question” and refused to answer it.

        • “Pissed that I have the audacity to be pissed after everything I did to her.” Yup. I got this from LadyLiar, too.

  • Before I knew anything (cheating, drugs, false narrative on first marriage and past career) he left to “find his happiness”. I had to to pull my car out of the driveway so he could get his out of the garage and drive off to “his buddy’s house”. (something I had to do all the time and was surprised how awesome it was to never have to do again when the POS was gone;)
    Anyhoo, he actually got out of the car and came to my car window, shrugged his shoulders and gave a lame “sorry”. I told him I didn’t accept his apology. And then he threw up his hands like I am SOOO unreasonable and as he walked back to his car, said “fuck you Nej!” ovet his shoulder. Ah memories;)

    • Neha, sounds familiar. Seems to be the theme for me on this thread today!

      During a disagreement about something related to cheating, I asked cheater what he wanted from me and he said no more shit. I asked what he meant and he just said “fuck you” and walked away as if there was nothing else he could do at all.

      I suppose he just wants me to forget his ill treatment of me and be so happy he is even still with me. 🤡

      • We are so better off! The person I am now doesn’t get all indignant like I did back then (“How could he say that to me?! How could he be so awful?!”)
        Now I read that and think what a stupid ugly person. I am so glad I don’t have to pull my car out of the driveway so that idiot can take his car out of the garage.

  • My wife said “I just happened and said those magical words no woman could refuse”… She kept it at that for a while and she later told me it was “Are you looking for sex?” … She then said for the longest time that “I am sorry for hurting you. But I am not sorry for the affair” … I love this one – “he is so much like you!” … Sadly, I know him and his wife – they were long time family friends… and his wife was basically like a mother to my wife – very close… Yeah like a mother because her AP is 16 years older than my wife (and she was 53 at the time of the affair)

  • From cheater to me (via email): “I’m sorry you have hard feelings.”

    From OW to me (via one of several of her drunk dial voicemail messages to me…this one left on a Sunday after midnight): “I’m sorry for everything.”

    Sadly, I feel like OW made a better effort in comparison to cheater being that cheater refers to my viewpoint/reaction to the psychological, physical, and financial aftermath of his infidelity and abandonment merely as “hard feelings”, albeit OW’s apology was disingenuous at best. Cheater’s one-liner email was the final communication he made to me after decimating our twenty-five year relationship.

  • My ex FIL fell the night before my ex and I were scheduled to chaperone 150 band kids to their biggest competition of the year.we learned that morning that my FIL was resting comfortably and would require surgery the next day to put a screw in his hip.
    I suggested that we go watch our daughter compete, then immediately leave to drive the two hours away TOGETGER to check on his mom and dad, and then be there for the surgery the next day. He says he knew he wanted to divorce me right then because I didn’t care about his dad.
    My bad, I guess it had nothing to do with the girl he was fucking for two years before that he IMMEDIATELY moved in with.
    In his world I should of apologized to him.
    SO. HAPPY. HES. GONE.

  • Ten months on I still haven’t had an apology. I’ve had plenty of blameshifting, gaslighting and history rewrites. I suppose that’s funny in itself. Reading these non apologies maybe I’m lucky. I gave up waiting for an apology a long time ago.

  • I got an intense look (so that I would know it was meaningful) and “I’m sorry” when I met him at the door, told him that I had looked through his phone, and made him give me his keys. Never any apologies for his secret hookup life, lying to me every day, putting my health at risk, exploding our daughters’ life.

    2.5 years later he did (sort-of) apologize to 18 year old DD right before she left for college, “I’m sorry that I hurt you and for my role in what happened with your mother.” “My role”—it was a monologue! I’m glad he at least recognized that he needed to apologize to her, but really it was too little, too late. What an asshat.

  • Mine had a million reasons why along with his sorry. A new one each time, just trying to find one that would actually work and put the blame on me after Dday #3.

    I am sorry but:

    I just had to see if I still loved her (after 20 years and two kids with me)

    You don’t fold my underwear correctly and told me you never would. (because he just resets the bar)

    You were so busy with grad school, you didn’t need to make all As. (after encouraging me to go to grad school and saying he was proud of my grades)

    Many more excuses and half done apologies, the guy should write a book, “101 Ways to Screw up a Marriage and Not Take the Blame.”

    • Cheaters (controllers) always have issues with laundry. First I didn’t do laundry “right.” “Right” was how his mom did it. So I started doing laundry how his mom did it. What I should have said, “Then do all your laundry all by yourself the way you like it!!”

      This is doing laundry “right”: After washing, take ALL shirts and pants out of the washing machine and put them in the dryer for about five minutes to heat and fluff them up. Then hang all the shirts and pants up to dry on hangers. I did this for 20 years for ALL our clothes — family of four! And our dryer was always in the basement. Do you know how much time I spent going up and down those stairs and all the hanging up of everything?! Do you think the cheater ever helped with any of this? Oh, but the cheater is soooooooo proud that he still owns shirts that he had since we got married. That just proves that that nasty dryer didn’t ruin his t-shirts. Yes, t-shirts.

      I also didn’t fold his undershirts and socks “right.” I also didn’t put his clothes in the closet “right” either. THE CLOTHES NEED TO BE ROTATED so he could know what to wear to work next! OMG! I was living with the husband from the Julia Roberts movie, “Sleeping with the Enemy.”

      • same here, socks, undies, didn’t put them up right, so i just stopped doing it…guess that warranted a sex fest with his old GF on a cruise ship.

        Luckily, his logic was so crazy it helped wake me up and i finally filed…off the laundry crazy train!

        • Wait. My cheater has decided to do his own laundry now. Ok fine. Except that doesn’t really help me because I have arthritis and going up and down three staircases each time to do my laundry and each of our children’s laundry still hurts like hell. Perhaps carrying all the laundry up and down the stairs would be more helpful. No, him doing his laundry helps me because then I don’t have to fold his socks and undies the way he prefers and he can make sure his clothes are put away correctly. Gee whiz! Thanks for the help!

        • I clearly remember the day my ex pulled out his bureau drawer and dumped out his T-shirts and socks because I didn’t fold them correctly. He demonstrated how to lay a pair of socks together flat, one on top of the other, roll them up from the toe, and then fold one of the top cuffs over the rest of the socks portion. Then he lined them all up in the drawer real prettily. He then grabbed a ruler and showed me to fold his T-shirts 8″x11″ and to carefully place them in the drawer. Then he took me over to the closet and told me to put his short-sleeved shirts on one side, his long-sleeved shirts on the other side, and then make sure there was 1″ spacing between hangers so the shirts wouldn’t wrinkle. I was flabbergasted. The next time I washed his clothes I grabbed his clothes out of the basket, threw them on the bed right in front of him, and said, “If you want your socks folded right, do it yourself.”

    • ChumpedToTheMax HOW DARE YOU not fold underwear correctly?!?! You are obviously a selfish, horrible person to overlook this pressing need. How do you live with yourself?!

      Some other things I also was too selfish to do correctly:

      – I cut brownies in small squares, not large ones the way he liked. (For a party that had a huge spread and 100 guests.) People would think we weren’t generous!

      – I dared to wear my hair in a ponytail, which he hated. (I had the stomach flu and was barfing every hour and didn’t want puke in my hair.)

      – I also wore my glasses versus my contact lenses during that barf fest. (Which made me look unsexy. Because you know how much I should have wanted a good and thorough fucking from behind while I was bent over the toilet.)

      – I didn’t appreciate the kayaking gear he bought me for our third anniversary. (I almost drowned when I was young and still have a huge fear of boating. Why couldn’t I just GET OVER IT already and want to kayak and waterski? Doreen waterskis!)

      Can’t believe I spackled over these pathetic things for so many years. Looking back, they’re unfuckingbelieveable.

      • My X didn’t like me being sick either…not about being sexy though, just took attention away from him.

        I would be so sick the doctors wanted to put me in the hospital and finally did, but he ignored me and sat in the living room pouting while I shook with fever cause my being ill made him come home early from a party.

      • Oh gosh. Why did I have to go into labor just when he sat down to watch a movie on the TV he’d wanted to see for awhile? Why didn’t I wear those cute yoga pants anymore but wore jeans instead? Why didn’t I try to keep my hair from falling out and getting thin from my medication side-effects? Just “why couldn’t I be her”, is what he said to me. I asked for an explanation but haven’t received any. Guess I ask too many questions and should insinuate instead.

        • they look for any excuse for their behavior.

          speaking of labor, after i had my second child with him, at home none the less, first he wanted to go out and party after I delivered, “cause that’s what we do in Germany” (in reality he wanted to go see his girlfriend to celebrate the birth of our son) then the next day, while I was finally getting some sleep, he came home with his business partner and woke me up- he wanted me to make them lunch!

  • I’ve never got one. Ever. There has been zero (0) contact. It’s been 13 months. He has ghosted his children, and didn’t have anything to say in court. His whore was there though, and she brags on facebook, “My man talks to me about everything, and he tells me everything.” Yeah, okay, suga.

    I can’t think about me right now, I’m too busy working with my daughter to help her process that she may very well never see her father again. That is, unless she goes begging, and I don’t think that will happen.

    • I’m sorry for your daughter but I hope he stays gone. It’s really better for her.Mine is hanging around our daughter ( because. Image management) doesn’t bother with our son. I hope she sees it. (((Hugs)))

      • Big hugs to all who are helping to heal abandoned kids. It’s so messed up when one of the kids gets abandoned and other kids are used as narcissistic supply. In my family, my STBX narc is only interested in my older 2, who are elementary school-aged— but really our firstborn is the favorite. My toddler is completely ignored. Normal people hear this and try to spackle with, “Oh, the baby’s dad will be more interested in him when he gets older.” Yeah, right.

  • He was sorry for a while, accepted responsability and accountability, said he understood if I’d be dwelling on it for a while, went to therapy. Then he decided I’d been mulling over it long enough by his standards and demanded I “get over it” and “endure it”. He was a repeat offender. Yes, I’d been churning for two years, which is not a short time, although it felt to me like 5 minuties. But that was while he continued to REFUSE to give me full disclosure and kept guarding his secrets from the past.

    No wonder I didn’t feel like I could trust him!!! Suffice to say, he disagreed. And I left. We were engaged.

    • Me too — 1 month after I said “enough” and she responded to the destruction of 15 years together and a family by hooking up with RPD and ramping up the “going out with friends” nights, she texted to a college pal who’d been informed of our situation: “I get that he [UXworld] is hurt and upset, but after a month I thought that things would get … I don’t know, better.”

      A few weeks later, as I started gray rocking the shit out of her, it turned into: “He [UXworld] is being such an asshole — he just has to put on his bigboy pants and get over it, for the sake of his daughters.”

      • I remember clearly my previously-a-cheater sibling telling me one year later after my discovery that I should be over it by now. Well fast forward and her now-cheater-husband cheated and she’s still upset about it and hurt almost 2 years since. I extended my kindness but it was rebuffed.

  • The “I’m sorry you feel the way” BS…our MC actually told my cheating X to say that to me…like he encouraged the man not to take responsibility for his actions.

    Nothing but idiots out there helping these jerks make up excuses for their lame lives.

    • Same !
      MC told the ex to say exact same thing .
      ” I’m sorry you feel that way ”

      I never went to MC with him because I don’t believe in it and feel the abuser / Narc will just manipulate in more skillful manner . And he did . But I was on to it as soon as the ” I’m sorry you feel that way ” started

  • Within the first five minutes on DDay. 4 days after Thanksgiving 2016. With head down. Before confession.

    I didn’t do anything.
    I never meant to hurt you and I think I already have.
    I love you more than anything in the world.
    I can’t believe I have messed up the best thing I have ever had.
    Can you ever forgive me.

    Dec. 4, 2016 confession. Prostitute use for the past 20 years, but only when out of town, in hotels. When traveling. I will never know how many encounters, and he will not tell. Kicked him out that day, and told him he needed to get help, when he said “I tried to quit and I couldn’t”.

    A few weeks later. He, stunned and confused that he is out and I am still telling him he needs help. He says I don’t think I have a problem, and minutes later texts that “I misspoke, I will seek counseling”.

    This Sunday marks one year since I booted him to the curb. He has ghosted me since May. Image managing like a crazy person. Justifying and blaming from the rule book. June will be our 40 the anniversary, and my hope is the divorce will be final before then.

    • The use of prostitutes is a special kind of torture toward the partner isn’t it? I will never forgive mine for that. He refused me love, warmth, and sex, and then expended all that sexual time, energy , and attention on women he had to pay. They were worth something to him. Even if it was only money. There was something he valued about them. Oh, and the added insult that he was literally risking your life for whatever that “something” was? Just icing on the narc cake. I weep for you. And three years later I still weep for myself everyday. My marriage was being told that I was worth less than whores and even that my life was worth nothing at all to him–literally,since he willingly risked it.

      • Oh Jojobee, I’m so sorry you’re feeling like you were “worth less than whores”. Believe us!!! You just married a pig! A total self-gratifying pig! We all did. Not everything you love is good for you. I was married 30 years and nearly 3 years out I’m finally feeling that it REALLY was him. At first I was ashamed. I didn’t feel good enough, appreciative enough, pretty enough…., I didn’t feel ‘enough’. I am just NOW feeling ENOUGH! I recommend you sit down and write ALL the ugly things he said and did that made you doubt yourself. Get angry! He was a pig! And so were all the ho’s he rode in on. Be kind to yourself because you ARE worthwhile.

      • Thank you for this.

        I was trying to find a way to phrase it in my head for some time now.

        I was pregnant when he cheated with a hooker. He claims one. But let’s be real. It took him eight years to admit to that one.

        It’s hard to believe after a dozen years and two children that he can tell me all he wants that I am his world.

        But not when strange is accessible. Strange means more.

        • Yes. The hardest thing to accept is they DO NOT love you. They DO NOT value you. They will risk your very life for strange. And your jerk will risk the very life of his child. For sex with a stranger he had to pay. When that really sinks in you can truly see the evil.

  • “I can’t disappoint you anymore” and “I’m selfish,selfish,selfish” before d-day but after I need to be by myself. ” I never deserved you” and” what was I suppose to do if I’m at a bar watching hockey and drinking a beer and a girl touchs my thigh and I get hard?” on d-day. No apology at all. Sick mofo! Glad to be rid of him!

  • I can’t even bring myself to re-read the lame-ass, narcissistic “apology” I got, which is nothing but “I I I I I I I I I I I.” When I politely thanked him for it, but asked if we could talk some points over, he got angry that I was not ready to accept his “apology,” and started raging at me (“that’s why we are getting divorced, because you always want us to talk”). #sorrynotsorry

  • Check out this masterpiece of non-accountability. It was texted to me on what would have been our five year anniversary. He was in the middle of the Big Discard, unbeknownst to me, and had inexplicably moved out of our shared residence because he was “depressed” (aka fucking some tramp at work). Grab a hankie…

    “The significance of this day isn’t lost on me. I want to let you know that I’m sorry for how things have turned out — and for how things have been; not only in the past four months but also the other negative periods of our relationship. I’m not proud of how I acted in those times. However, I do consider myself lucky to have been able to call you mine, even if for a short time. Those times I will not and cannot forget, no matter what the future holds.”

    UBT, where were you when I needed you…?

    What an ass.

    • A total ass. When I found my ex at his skank’s house (we were still married at the time), I railed at him later saying, “How could you?! It’s our anniversary!!” He said, “It’s just another day to me.” I was married to a complete and total ass. Thank God I’m not anymore.

  • Let’s see if this works. You can tell how close to meh I am by how old it is. But for a time it was the funniest thing I ever heard of. The Gaslighting is Olympic level from Hitchcock and Lestrange. I made a whole Series of Memes with Hitchcock and Bellatrix.

    “I am sorry that I allowed your behavior to destroy my good feelings for you.”

    It was never presented prior to falling into the Sluterus vagina what behavior he was referring to. Up until the discard, for years I Could Do No Wrong, Until I abruptly could do no right. Coincidental to adding six female coworkers friends to his Facebook and discussing nothing.

    This still cracks me up. It was a great coping mechanism.

     photo Meme 2.jpg

  • “I am glad you know”
    “It was arrogant of you to assume I wouldn’t cheat on you”
    “You didn’t notice I was having an affair, (until I did), that means you either didn’t care enough or are stupid and either way both are bad signs”
    “I have so much to make up for, and I don’t deserve to be comforted”
    After 2 weeks apart: “(The affair) is not that big a deal”

    • Whoa! “You didn’t notice I was having an affair, (until I did), that means you either didn’t care enough or are stupid and either way both are bad signs”. That’s unique.

  • Oh, I got tons of apologies, all of the narky variety.

    –So sorry that I am a great guy who made a number of mistakes.

    –So sorry you are an unworthy companion.

    –So sorry I am deeply flawed, now please agree to give up your claim to a fair share of our assets, and I am so glad we hate conflict. By the way, we also hate forensic accountants. Glad we had this talk.

    –So sorry for all of the things ever. Now, please recite your flaws and explain, at length, your contributions to the demise of our marriage.

    –So sorry you weren’t clear about how I was using and manipulating you. You should have known. You did know. Sorry you are an idiot who believes in vows. But I always meant for us to be together. I just did not know how to get out of this, and you failed to help me. So this is on us.

    –So sorry you are ruining my relationships with the children. We should be friends. We should work together. We do not want to hurt them.

    –So sorry you choose to be mean and bitter while I am working hard to support us and fix everything, especially the potential damage to my sparkly reputation. We should be really good friends. The best.

    To note: forced teaming (we, us, ours) is one of his favorite narky moves. Yup. “We” are all in the project of saving his ass “together,” because that is the kind of great “team” “we” strive to be.

    Hurl.

    No thanks. The slut can have fun with the “team” thing. May her pom-poms tirelessly churn.

  • My husband apology was “I told you I was sorry what else do you want from me?” Each and every time I tried to get him to tell me why he decided to cheat on me with my Cousin. Or why he felt the need to lie to her about me. His response is the same, ” I did not have sex with her I only met her a few times to play pool.” Even after showing him the phone bills of months and months of text messages between them. His response was,I do not remember texting her that many times. Yup, always has those memory problems. I have come to the conclusion that he really is not sorry for sneaking around with my whore if a cousin. In his mind him running around with the whore was justified because I did not want to play pool or go out and party every weekend. And got us into some credit card debt(he kept half of his check to himself). A real heart felt apology I know I will never receive. This experience has made me think of myself first. I am putting my ducks in a row and lets see how sorry his ass is when he is served with divorce papers.

    • Make sure to not have anything to do with your skanky cousin. An apology does not mean you ever need to reconcile. And get a lawyer!

      • Ding ding ding !!
        Same response here for the porn .
        ” It was just my legacy ways of being with ex wife 2,”
        You know , cuz it’s her fault .
        Too bad I found out recently , he’s been into porn since he was 16

  • “It’s nothing, are we done with this yet, I expect this not to bite me on the arse in future”

    Women need mad money, when they get mad they have enough money to transition to a better life. I was stuck, not stuck now, happy as all day heck with him gone to Divorced Dads Caravan Park.

  • Two incredibly lame apologies from cheater narc ex;

    To me, while hoovering maybe a year after I kicked him out following Affair #2 (and LOTS of other crap behaviour over the years).
    Narc; I’m sorry.
    Less-chumpy me; what for?
    Narc; – cricket-
    Me; what are you sorry for?
    Narc; I’m sorry things didn’t work out for us.

    To our then-12-yr-old daughter, after she figured out he had cheated and blown up our family:
    Narc; I’m sorry.
    Daughter ; what for?
    Narc; I’m sorry you got hurt in all this.

    For a long time I thought some of his actions fit w/someone who recognizes they’ve done wrong. He was far more financially generous than he was required to be.
    Later I realized he was paying enough to keep us in the house and to reduce anger, because he thought he would be coming back!! Now that it’s clear that’s never happening, he is super resentful and trying to figure out how to get that money back.

      • “Hoovering” is when they suddenly turn on the charm and try to love-bomb you back into their lives. Something to be ignored at all costs!

      • It is a term named after the Hoover Vacuum cleaner.

        Therefore, ‘hoovering’ means trying to suck you (like a Hoover vacuum) back into their perverse little world

  • I got a few verbal un-remorseful “I’m sorry” ‘s that came across more like ‘I’m sorry I got caught’. And any time I was going through a rough time dealing with being cheated on and lied to (which I didn’t let him see very often), I got an attitude thrown my way with with a side of get over it already. After D-Day #3 I got an email that said, among other things, “I’ve broken your trust again and I just can’t deal with going through you trying to trust me again”. Isn’t that special??

  • “I thought I could have caveats.” Said by asshole to a therapist.

    “I didn’t mean to hurt you.” Said be asshole to me. I believe he meant, ‘I didn’t think I would get caught. Especially after a decade with the same MOW and cheating beginning as newlyweds.’. Yes yes yes, I spackled and the gaslighting was extreme. Super plausible lies and lots of intuition doubt.

  • “I’m sorry. We need to fix us.”

    HMM… what exactly are you sorry for? Was “us” meeting Craigslist hookers in hotels… was “us” responding to personals and identifying as a BiMWM… was us posting multiple online profiles looking for women, groups, couples?

    That was always was got me stuck… there was no fixing us without him first changing… and THAT was never going to happen.

  • How about, “I’m sorry this is so painful for you but AP is so upset she’s lost 10 pounds.” And,
    I’ve said I’m sorry, why do you act like you don’t trust me?”

  • I think all assholes should write their apologies. It seems to produce some magical awarenes with them. “As I’m writing this now I’m just now realizing blah blah blah…

  • I’ve got a couple!

    “I’m sorry you saw that on my phone – but if you hadn’t been looking on my phone none of this would’ve ever have happened.”

    “I’m sorry if that hurt you – but men are gonna LOOK PutAForkInMe…”

    “I’m sorry that you think you can’t trust me – but trust comes in various levels…like I can’t trust you to go to the grocery store and bring back the right things all the time…”

    • lol … I am sorry that I can’t trust you to buy Velveeta cheese food instead of actual sharp cheddar cheese. It is such a burden but I have done my best to bear it as I fork this substandard mac and cheese to my mouth and nobly not mention my deep-seated disappointment in your life choices.

    • I get “Trust is as trust does”.

      He says I should blindly trust him because he isn’t doing anything wrong anymore. In the same day he says he never did anything wrong to begin with because he had real legitimate reasons for cheating (read as me) none of which include honesty, loyalty, love, or honorability.

      I get he doesn’t trust me at the grocery store either. Why? Because I always buy the stuff on sale instead of the expensive food he wants.

    • Wow! How unbelievable. To equate your lack of trust: he can’t trust you to pick the right deli meat; and you can’t trust him not to stick his dick where it doesn’t belong. Unbelievable!

  • This is the most recent “apology.” I call it an apology because if he had the word “sorry” peppered in there somewhere that was good enough for him. This is from the morning of our oldest daughter’s birthday via text.

    “I love you ×××××××. And I care about you. You’re the only woman I want. I’m sorry but nothing is going to change that now. I understand why you’ve been so upset and I don’t blame you at all. It was just really nice to get along and feel something with you again. However small it may have been for you, I felt it. I would really like for that to continue, as far as coming to see the kids and having normal conversations with you, but if it doesn’t, I only have myself to blame. I hope you have a goodnight. Like I said you can text me if you want to talk or anything, if not, I will call later.”

  • My shithead just abandoned and then ghosted me. The ONE email from him contained the line that he “knew you (meaning me) would have wanted this to go different (sic) and I meant to hurt you.”

    I thought at the time that the idiot – who couldn’t write a coherent sentence if all he had to do was trace it – simply made a typo and left out the word “never.” Now, I’m not so sure.

    Whatever. He’s history.

  • I actually thought about submitting this to the universal bullshit translator. My girlfriend was cleaning up the storage in her phone this week and sent me these texts she saved from when asshat was doing damage control.

    Keep in mind he said a lot of things about her to me, when he realized we were forming a really close friendship. Things like, “I suspect she and her husband are swingers” and then pretty much blamed her and my other girlfriends when I filed for divorce, saying, “I understand why you think divorce is your only option since you are surrounding yourself with women who have been divorced.” Oh, yeah that must be it… couldn’t be because he was a serial cheater!

    Onto the Friday Challenge. (I’m keeping his spelling errors in tact for authenticity)

    Him: Hey, thanks for being such a good friend to got-a-brain. Your a great person and I appreciate all your doing for her and the girls. I really fucked up and need to get some help. I wish it never came to this and I feat that the damage done to her can never heal. Thank you for loving her when I no long can (as she won’t let me/ not safe for her). I’m not sure why I am the way I am, but I intend to find out so that I am able to be a better father and maybe even someday a friend to got-a-brain.
    Thanks again

    Friend: I love got-a-brain and your kids. To say I’m disappointed is probably the biggest understatement of my life. Got-a-brain is a strong woman and she’ll get through this with the support of her friends and family. I’m certain that you’re self aware enough to figure out your issues so that you can salvage your relationship with your family. I also take comfort in that fact that you’ll make sure your mistakes don’t put them in a position to suffer any more than they already have and will work hard to support them.

    Him: I’m aware that I’m disappointing everyone that means anything to me. It’s a very disheartening feeling. But your right I have to put on my big boy pants and figure it out, and work my ass off to support them.

    His narrative has become I am so damaged I wouldn’t “Let” him love me, and therefore he was miserable. I find the line “I wish it never came to this and I feat that the damage done to her can never heal. Thank you for loving her when I no long can (as she won’t let me/ not safe for her)” particularly condescending!

    • Oh my. I get the “I’m damaged from you” line quite a bit yet he’s the one that cheated and has no tolerance for any “sad” feelings eminating from me over the destruction of my life as I knew. I better stop before I push him away even further.

  • I got, “I’m sorry that I was never good enough for you” after 20 years of putdowns about how I never was organized enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, sexy enough…SO happy I decided I WAS enough and HAD ENOUGH and kicked his sorry ass out. BEST. DECISION. EVER.

  • “I did things that I’m not proud of, but you made me the man I am today and I will always be grateful.”

    WHAT?? I made you a cheater??!! Nope, nope, nope.

  • “I’m sorry. I’m a terrible person. You’ll never know how much I really love you.”

    And may I never find out!!! Shudder!

  • I was a selfish asshole lost in my own little fantasy world not thinking about anyone but myself. It’s not pretty and it sure as hell isn’t right, but that’s the truth. I thought I needed to escape from whatever pressures I thought were on me and sex was the way I chose. I was wrong on so many levels it’s fucking unbelievable. I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me that I could do that to you and I sure wouldn’t blame you if you don’t ever want to see me again. But I know what is really important to me now and I know I will be a better husband and person going forward. You are what is important to me now.

      • Ugh . What a total fuckwit. I’m so sorry . Your story really bothers me . You deserve so much more and I’m glad you finally free from this lying , cheating asshat

    • I actually would consider this a decent (starter) apology. EXCEPT of course, I’m betting you only got this after he got caught ……. All that insight and taking responsibility? Not worth the paper it’s written on, cine he managed to spend so much time and money without thinking about any of this.

  • Dday#1 when kids were 2 & 4 years old and he leaves for twice divorced, history of cheating on both husbands, howorker with snot and tears “I don’t know how this happened”.

    Dday #2 when caught screwing around with DD14’s assistant high school sports coach (both kids attend this Christian high school, ex was volunteer coaching and is 50 years old, young schmoopie is in her 20’s). I get the frantic texts: “I made a huge mistake”, “I’m sorry”, “I don’t want to lose my family”. After booting his ass out because he’s still seeing his schmoopie “I’m sorry you got hurt”. Tells kids he left because he was miserable and they know nothing about schmoopie (DD14 is naive and didn’t know she was being used as schmoopie bait). When both of them got fired and DD14 finds out why, he texts her “I didn’t mean to hurt anyone” and the sweetest (snort) “are you mad at schmoopie too?”

  • The few so-called apologies I got over the years were so vague and extremely brief (like said while he was in motion walking by me) that I don’t really count them as apologies. Real heartfelt apologies are too equalizing for a person who fancies himself superior to others.

  • My husband said he was sorry I lost the contest. I asked ,”What contest?” The contest between you and my girlfriend that decides who gets me. I then asked, “well if I am unaware there is a contest going on how am I expected to participate?” I actually found the spreadsheets he made for the contest and his checking off boxes in the categories. I made my own spreadsheet and checked off his qualities and faults and attached it to the spreadsheets I had found of his. I smile knowing he’ll unpack and find my thoughts on what he is made of on my spreadsheets. How a person can step out of prison after doing 5 yrs for drug sales , have no job yet think they are worth so much is beyond me.

    • Wow — a spreadsheet keeping track of how others satisfy his needs and measure up to his requirements, with the grand prize being a dope-dealing ex-con with no job.

      This is priceless.

      • Wow just wow!

        And I thought when I found the checklist of dates the cheater had of when we had sex and whether it satisfied him or not were repulsive. Who keeps checklist sheets about other people??? No wonder he kept saying that I must be the one who keeps score. I had no idea what he was talking about!

        • So true! Always secretly keeping score. Heads up: they never ever get enough and you can never ever give enough.

  • “I’m a flawed human being.” (No shit.)

    “I think I *might* be a bad person.” (Might?????)

    When I pointed out that he had never actually apologized (for cheating and lying for 30 years straight), he offered “Of *course* I am sorry … I am now all alone and no one has my back and … lots more “I” statements” … I had stopped listening. He was very sorry for himself. Period.

  • My Ex would do the down on bended knee crying crap! Telling me he was sorry so he could stay in the marital home. Cheater was like a boomerang. For months he would beg me to forgive him leaving to meet with her then stay for six to ten days only to walk out again to her! This went on for nearly a year! I got all kinds of “i’m So sorry” BS only to have him repeat his behavior. Towards the end I asked him if he really had decided to stay with me for good and his response was, “i’m Here aren’t I?” Not too comforting! He never wanted to get counseling or talk about the affair. His memory was always “blurry” if existent at all! It makes me sick looking back that I put up with it! He never did give a good reason as to why he decided to sleep with a Ho from Facebook. I guess he did it just because he could and wanted to.

    • That is the same answer I get and got through the years long affair from him. “I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t want to be” all while secretly telling everyone else he wanted a divorce.

      Now I still get the same, “I’m here aren’t I?”. Yeah that’s not good enough for me anymore. Are you really here or just pretending like you did before? He doesn’t like when I ask him any questions.

  • They’re not actually sorry about what they DID, they are actually sorry you FOUND OUT. In addition they believe feeling sorry you found out makes them an empathetic person. That is their threshold standard of empathy. They are empathy deficient.

  • Afte DD1 I asked him if he was sorry. He said he was. Then I asked if he knew what he was sorry for. He went into a rage! People don’t have to explain what they are sorry for!

    Also, I am not to hold him accountable for what happened around DD1 because it was 5 years ago and he was “in a dark place.” Oddly enough he did try that one again after dd2 but he stopped halfway through because am I supposed to believe he is still in the dark place for dd2 again?

    • This thread is making my head spin because it feels real about my life!

      I got the same excuses of him being in a “dark place” within his mind. It’s my fault of course. I’ve asked him what is he going to do to keep himself out of this dark place in the future. No answer yet because everything’s my fault still.

      • They aren’t in too much of a dark place to be screwing strange ones ….
        Pffft… they all say the same things

      • As an excuse to throw me off his cheating and nastiness, Satan told me he’s in a dark place. But he meant literally dark. **fake cry voice** “It’s cold, there’s no snow, i miss the summertime, it gets dark out too early now, i go to work when it’s dark out and then have to do things when I get home but it gets dark out fast, i want to play with my toys and I can’t. I’m currently miserable! Ok?!”

        Maybe I should have given him a juice box and a cookie and turned on Bubble Guppies like I do for my niece.

    • My cheater didn’t have an OW, but he was a hard-core alcoholic for two decades.

      Yeah, I got that lame non-apology too. “Those were dark days.” But, hey! Those days were behind him now, he can’t change the past, and I need to quit dwelling on it. That’s as much of an apology as I ever got.

      Never mind that he lied when he sold family treasures, and said they must have been stolen by our daughter’s boyfriend. My heart broke when I had to tell my brother I couldn’t pass on an antique toy collection to his children, because it had disappeared and was probably sold on eBay.

      Never mind that he pawned the coin collection I inherited from my father, lied about doing that, and 15 years later finally admitted it while bragging about what a good deal he got from the pawnshop. (He sold the entire collection for a fraction of its value.)

      Never mind that he broke stuff on multiple occasions because he was so stinking drunk that he could barely walk, promised the next day to replace it (when he was sober), and promptly forgot the promises. You see, merely making the promise was sufficient to make him feel better. When I asked him when he planned to fulfill the promises he said, “Didn’t I already take care of that?” or “I don’t have the money now. I’ll take care of it on payday.” or “I thought you weren’t interested any more.”

      He was in the AA 12-step program for a couple of years, but never got to Step 8: Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all. or to Step 9: Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

      I was just his wife, so why did it matter?

      When I got to the point where leaving would cause less harm than staying, I left. I know I stayed longer than I should have, but rationalized staying because he wasn’t a physically violent drunk. In the interim, I didn’t sugar-coat anything for the kids.

      • So much of your story resonates with me, FTA. The breaking stuff, promising to fix or replace, then not doing it, especially. Then BTL is being so petty for getting upset over a broken lamp (never mind it was the 101,000th thing he broke).

        Also, you left at the right time if you waited until it was safe. I am choosing to stay right now because leaving is more dangerous at this point in time.

  • I believe the “professional’s” are being advised by their lawyers and PR people to apologize and act contrite if there is any hard evidence against them. They can claim they remember certain things differently if there is no hard evidence, and of course deny, deny, deny whenever possible. Amazingly enough, some of them can admit it and then turn around and deny it. Boy, that’s believable, right?

    Oh, and all the sex was consensual, because they remember it was. I mean, just because the partner was drunk or drugged or passed out, that didn’t mean it wasn’t consensual, right?

    • Cheater changed his story from when he first said he was responsible for everything that went wrong in our marriage to exactly what you wrote, “he’s only responsible for his actions in the affair” leaving out the horrible way he has been treating me and the kids.

    • On that theme of ‘responsibility’;

      The first time cheater ex tried to hoover me back, about 6 months after my confirming Affair #2 and kicking him out, he said he wanted to ‘talk about what would have to happen for us to get back together’. I asked him what he thought would have to happen. He burst out angrily ‘you think this is all my fault!’.

      Uh, yes, actually. Prior to this affair-of-opportunity, our relationship had been better than it had been in a decade. I had given him an ultimatum about treating the kids and I better, and he had stepped up. We had given him tons of recognition and appreciation for the improvements, there was far less conflict, we were all lots closer, our sex life (always frequent but not always great) had picked up …. Plus, after years of hard work, we were both in a good place professionally, making decent money, the kids were pre-teens so life was easier, after several moves we had put down solid roots and had good friends here, good relationships with all the extended families ….

      Interestingly, I hadn’t said a single word about ‘fault’ at that point. I think he was, as usual, projecting.

      Much later, after the kids stopped seeing him much, Schmoopie dumped him, and his came to suck big time, he had the audacity to tell me in an e-mail ‘I lost a lot more than you did’. When I reminded him that he hadn’t lost anything, he had thrown it all away, he was FURIOUS!

      How dare you confront me with reality, minion!!!

  • Cheater’s words: “I really regret how I handled things. If I could go back in time I would.”
    Cheater’s meaning: “I regret you found out about the affair. If I could go back in time, I’d do a better job keeping you in the dark.”

    Bye-bye Imbecile! No more tears, I laugh at you now.

  • Cheaty McCheaterdouche: “I didn’t do this to hurt you.”

    Me: “Then why did you do it?”

    CMC: “I don’t know.”

    Me: “If you don’t know, then how do you know you didn’t do it to hurt me?”

    CMC: <>

    • Oh god, yeah, cheater narc would say this one often! I didn’t mean to hurt you, I didn’t mean to hurt the kids…. As if it it would be unreasonable to be angry at him for what he did, if he hadn’t done it on purpose.

      When any reasonable person can figure out that a certain action will hurt someone, and you do it anyway, it doesn’t even matter whether you intended to hurt the person or even thought about whether it would hurt them. You are responsible, fully responsible. Never mind, of course, that he had done it before, had actually witnessed the hurt it caused me and the disruption in the kids’ lives, I had made it clear that if he cheated again we were finished …. Pleading ignorance is frankly, pathetic and disgusting at that point.

      So my theory is, he’s either fully responsible for all the damage he caused, or he’s incompetent, in the legal sense. He shouldn’t be allowed to hold a job with any responsibility, to parent children without supervision, to have a driver’s license, to handle his own finances, to make his own medical decisions, to vote, to sign any kind of contract ….

  • Please help me understand this sorry?? Just about 1 year from DD after 18 years of marriage, and this what EX sends me.

    I am so sorry for what has happened. I wish I could have communicated better the way I was feeling to you, things would have been so much different. I love you and want you to be happy. I’m so happy the kids are doing well. The silence from you and them is very hard to take on a daily basis. You are a much better letter writer than I am, something else to work on I suppose.

    • In my experience, this kind of contact is a fishing expedition. They circle back around wanting to re-engage the dysfunction they like so much. It sounds sincere, but it generally isn’t. People who care about their relationships don’t do things that are high risk to blow them up.

      He wants something. It might be as simple as your attention or as complex as a lot of money. No matter what it is, it’s not your obligation to engage in it. His BS is his own just reward. That’s my two cents, anyway.

    • He’s sorry the life that he imagined for himself didn’t pan out. He’s trying to wring sympathy from you again as it worked so well in the past. Go “no contact” and throw his missives away. You don’t need his head trips anymore. You’re still susceptible as you’re only 1 year out. Your head will take a bit of time yet to clear, but you will clear it and will eventually see him for the dick he is. Congratulations on divorcing him.

  • I have already posted this in the forums, it is the I’m sorry email I received last week. Nearly 10 months from d-day and just 2 months divorced.

    Dear Pregnant Chump

    I am sorry this is not hand written but I wanted to get it right.
    I am sorry that this has taken so long but it is only after this month where I have been hurt so deeply that I realise the pain and suffering that I caused you. At the start of the year.
    I realise that I was not the nicest person to you and that I did a lot of things that hurt you, for this I am very sorry, I understand now how hard it is to lose someone and fight in a cause that you knew nothing about or had the ability to change.
    I am very sorry for my actions and the way I ended our marriage, I am not asking for another chance but I want you to know that I am deeply sorry for ever giving you a chance and I hope that this apology goes some way to helping you and maybe help us be able to communicate better for our children.

    I am sorry

    Cheater

    • A) your cheater’s new nickname is “Sorrybut(t)”.

      B) Sorry HE ever gave YOU a chance? Yikes. That’s messed up

    • Sounds like cheater has been cheated on. Now he’s circling back to see if you are vulnerable enough to let him back in. DON’T.

    • Sorrybutt likes to think he is Nice. Let him think that. ‘Nice’ is a cheap filler adjective.

      He is not a Kind person. There is a difference. Always strive for Kind in your actions.

      • You are totally right, he seemed like such a nice person. The things he has said and done to me, show he is not kind at all.

    • What is it with these guys and, ‘for the children…’ They’re suddenly concerned about their kids’ best interest as not to look like a bad guy to them. It’s like, “Let’s still play family.” SMH

  • A few years ago my ex chose Christmas day to unload his burden on me because “you were so happy I thought you could handle it” His burden was he was seeking and meeting multiple women through dating websites. He classifies himself as a Professional Dom. He’s not looking for another relationship. He’s “helping” other women. He loves ME not Them!
    Well I did NOT handle as well he thought I should have. (Imagine that…) I screamed and raged and threw the Christmas tree in the garbage.
    He says he would never leave me, but he doesn’t understand that at every meeting he did leave me. I ceased to exist for that hour or 4 or however long he is with TOW.
    We sought marriage counselling and in the following February we decided to take a romantic trip to Mexico. It was AWESOME. I fell in love all over again and with the counselling I was sure we were going to survive this. Then a few months later he did something suspicious. Over the years I became very skilled in my states of hyper-vigilance and learned how to hack into his emails. It seems my dear thoughtful hubby had no intention of giving up his girls. There were messages to them saying he will be away for a while (Mexico) and he will be in touch with them when he gets back. I also found hundreds of emails back and forth in this time and pictures. Pictures of him with them IN MY HOUSE!
    We are since divorced and good riddance to him. His daughters are disgusted with him. He told them the dirty details not me. He was trying to look like the good guy. “look at me! I’ll take the blame and take the flack off of my wife. I’m such a great guy!!” Now he blames me that his kids won’t speak to him.
    It’s over, thank god it is over!

    • Yes! Thank God it’s over. I was also sucked back into a a wreckconciliation. 4 years later I found it he was back with his skank. Unlike yours, my ex still charms his children even though they all know what a dick he is. I wasted too much time hoping for retribution. Now I realize he’s pathetic, but grateful I no longer have to deal with his sad sausage ass!

  • The first sentence is word for word, and the second is a distillation of the sentiment that followed:

    “I’m not an asshole! I’m sorry you think of me that way.”

    • Free Vic

      I get that often even though I’ve said he is an “asshole” twice. The latest is his “I must be such a dick” and I’ve never called him that word. Must be feeling guilty over something now.

      • Or fishing for you to step in and reassure him that he’s not. Just a sad sausage who messed up once or twice, but basically a decent person.
        At least this was my ex’s strategy when he was doing self-pity, sad sausage. Hey, it worked on me for years!

  • To Martha.
    I can so relate to the LAUNDRY.
    For four years we talked every day about the LAUNDRY.
    Not about technique, but timing.
    “You’re doing laundry this week, right?”
    “You’re doing the whites before I go to work on Saturday, right?”
    “You’re doing laundry today, right?”
    “You’re doing a load of darks soon, right?”
    “You’re doing my gym clothes before Thursday, right?”
    Every. Single. Day. Multiple conversations surrounding laundry.
    No more. I am now retired from all his laundry duties.
    So now he talks about it by himself every day.
    So strange…

    • I agree, so strange about all the laundry talk. All the hangers that I had to hang all the wash up ended up empty in the closet of course. So I would have to round them up and bring them downstairs to the basement for the next round of laundry. One day I took all the hangers out of our closet. He came home from work and he had a disgusting habit of rewearing some of his shirts. So when he went into the closet for a hanger, they were all gone. He raged and stomped down to the basement to get a hanger for his shirt. I never made the mistake of taking all the hangers again. No, “thank you, Martha” for doing my laundry for 20 years just the way I like it.” In the end he said to my face, “You never took good care of me.” I hope him, all of his whores and all his clothes burn in a big giant dryer in Hell.

    • I refused to do her laundry, which made her mad. Her clothes would pile up on the floor for months. Her solution- buy more clothes.

      If I happened to be washing clothes in the moment she decided to actually wash her clothes = anger time

  • After having strung me along for years, constantly believing his bs and then being pounded by the revelation that he’s been fycking around behind my back and messaging hell knows who
    “You were indecisive, i loved you but i was looking for a home while you were making up your mind!”

    “I needed empirical evidence to see if I’m truly in love or attracted to that person!”

    3 hours after having sent him off for his 1st day at his brand new job, the office manager got his dick hard so i was dropped mentally and emotionally for a week (of course, sexually, too), treated like shit, you all know the schpiel. I had that “off” feeling in the pit of my stomach and asked if everything is ok, he was adamant it’s just “new job stress”.
    Well, emails discovered after a week “by the way, X (office manager chick) here’s my number if you ever need to reach me asap!”. They’re only supposed to go through recorded office lines and intercom screen…When called on it he said he “got flustered” because she’s so friendly with him and he doesn’t know if it’s personal or is she like this with everyone and he needed time to “try figure her out”. Wtf? An almost 40 yo man had to be told that when you’re in a commited relationship then if this question ever crosses your mind the answer should be “who cares?!” And just do the fucking job you’re there to do.

    Last tidbit: i had my phone set to sync with his email unbeknownst to him, to keep tabs on his behavior. After discovering emails sent to her (same office manager as above) that he deleted, but her last reply towed the whole string of emails and i got to read the back and forth (was all about recommending a movie i introduced him to the previous day, blew his mind with it and he wrote “here’s one for you, I’m 100% sure you’ll love it”. Ruined the whole fucking movie for me now forever!). I called him and asked him 3 times if he’s been having convo with anyone, even benign about mundane things? He lied to my face 3 times in a row.
    “Im sorry i angered you, i was just trying to be friendly. But mark my words, if i can’t have a friendly relationship with x then I’m probably going to leave this job, 99%! I want to be happy in my job! And there’s nothing wrong with sending friendly notes to *a friend*! What’s so wrong with that?” I told him nothing would be wrong with it, except for the fact that he deleted all the emails…
    The usual narc speak to put your back against the wall and pray for job longevity possibly finally…over a dozen workplaces in the past decade, quite the track record. And in this corner, here’s little ol’ me, having had about 4 jobs (2 simultaneously over 8 years!) In my close to 40 years.
    I see now how workplace instability is an indicator of possible mental instability. This is why it’s important that you know your partner’s employment history. It’s a red flag!

    • I’m sorry for all the lies he told you. Gosh! The lies!!! Years of them. How awful. Why couldn’t they have just told us from the very beginning that they didn’t want to be married, that they just wanted to screw other people. We would have divorced them! But ‘No’! They had to mess with our heads and make us doubt ourselves. I cannot help but wish that they someday experience the anguish they caused us. Wouldn’t that be hell? … to live eternity going through the constant anguish we experienced because of their lies and infidelity?

      • I would love nothing more than for him to experience all the negative feelings and emotions and turmoil he put me through. Alas, he has no feeling except for his wants, so it’d be like throwing peas against a wall…

      • My ex told me during his mournful exit scene: “I never loved you”. All I could think of was the bed scene with him stroking into me, passionately proclaiming his love (the week previous), and the 15 years we’d spent together, I finally said “Well, either you’re lying to me now, or you’ve lied for the past 15 years, but either way you’re a liar”. And closed the door behind him.

        And yes, he said he’d almost retracted his proposal a day after he’d made it, and I really wish he had. It would have made it so much easier to drop kick his ass out.

  • Nope, I’ve never received an apology because he has never admitted to cheating, not once.

    The closest I ever got to an apology almost a year past D-Day when he told me, “Yeah, I fucked up. Nothing I can do about it now”

    Exh1 never apologized either, though he actually confessed to me. I never had a clue. He flipped it back on me and told me that I was not going to continue being angry about it or punish him. I was 25, had a three-year-old, no job at the time… Ugh…

    Life Lessons.

  • Just last night I was told that all of our mutual friends hated me and thought I was a cold bitch. Per the Special One, people we have known since high school took that fuckwit aside and informed him how awful I was. For 3 decades. This makes zero sense and it doesn’t ring true at all. I know that I am a decent and kind person and am well liked. He wouldn’t name names of course (him: why would I throw them under the bus? me: ummmm, you just threw me there, asshole!). He is very invested in things being equally my fault that he is pulling out ridiculous crap still, months after the divorce is final. He is a cheater and a liar, he cheats and lies. But somehow he needs to pull out some hurtful garbage that makes it all OK.

    He just stole an actual gift he gave me years ago (a love trilogy book) and gave my exact set to a woman our daughters’ age as a sexual overture. Our daughters are disgusted by him so he needs to jingle his keys over in the corner so we look away and stop seeing what an absolute creep he is. It is Mom’s fault! No one likes Mom! Stop with all the blaming, you are not perfect either! Gads.

    • Me too. My ex has to make everyone believe that it was my fault as well to justify what he did. I found out that he has told family, friends and lawyers that I abused my oldest daughter. I also found out that she has told people (friends and classmates). The same thing. Anyone who believes that can join their cult of crazy. I’ve lost my daughter because of all his lies but I have too much else to do to spend time convincing her of the truth

  • “I’m sorry. I didn’t think you’d ever find out, and I thought what you didn’t know wouldn’t hurt you.”

    This, on the third DDAY, when I’d found out the day before and without confronting him, listened incredulously as he lectured me for an hour about how he did everything for us and nobody ever considered his feelings or wants (I had briefly, wistfully stated I’d like for us to buy a house someday).

    Good riddance.

  • Perhaps I am really loathsome although I try to be a great partner. A couple of months after D-Day #1, during wreckonciliation when I calmly asked my now ex-husband how he felt about his affair with AP co-worker, he told me he was glad that he did it as it helped him get to know himself! When I went into the bedroom and dumped a pile of laundry out a laundry basket, he took note and then later, after taking me to court to have our kids taken away from me (in a restraining order), wrote to the court that I had cornered him and attempted to sexually assault him in our bedroom and had an anger management issue. So many levels of F–ked up!

    My ex-boyfriend/friend (?) of 30 years, did not say he was sorry but through e-mail told me that I had reason to be upset, that he was trying to do better (for whom? my replacement? and if so, how does that help me?), and that he didn’t want to dwell on the past. Wild guess–he didn’t like having been caught in several outrageous lies, including the one in which he told me that there was nobody else, and people knowing that he was grooming my replacement before he left me. I guess that to him letting your bed cool for a few minutes before your girlfriend’s replacement jumps in would be ‘dwelling on the past.’

    Hope to get to Meh really soon–exhausted from feeling bereft, angry, humiliated, and hopeless. Hope all honest chumps get there soon.

    • I’m so sorry RockStarWife – from other posts it seems like we were married to very similar men. These narcs would look God him/herself in the eye and lie to destroy other people (namely us) if it makes them look good to others. I look at getting to “meh” as two steps forward one step back. Every time I take a step back, I try to remember that I took two steps forward before I got here. Be patient with yourself.

  • Several years after we separated, he told me, “I’m sorry I ruined your lives.” I looked him in the eye and replied quietly. “You’re not that powerful.”

    By this time my daughter and I had rebuilt our lives just fine without him. In fact, three months after he finally moved out, I realized that the feelings I was having (it took me awhile to recognize them because I hadn’t felt them in so long) were contentment. The relief of being out from under his constant criticism and undermining was wonderful. He took out the “trash” for me. I have wondered if I should have sent her a thank you note for years but decided to not stir up trouble.

  • This was the ONLY “sorry” I received after 20 years together, 15 married after he screwed me & kids over financially, left us homeless, and abandoned the kids for his now OWife and their new child. Not to mention completely rewriting history to the point that he erased any and ALL mention of our 4 kids from his life. (poof) I never responded to his email…go figure.

    “Hi 01LuckyGirl , I very sorry for what I put you and our kids. I want to tell you that. I know I put you thru a lot. I don’t expect any thing from you or the kids but I just wanted to let you know. I hope we can all be friends some day. I don’t want us all o be enemies anymore. But I hope you can reach back out to me so I can see our little ones again.”

    • Notice the spelling errors. Copied word from word. While I copied that precious gem, I had forgotten this other email he had sent while he was in a drunken stupor apparently 6 months prior. Notice again the spelling/grammar errors on this one too. He writes like a freaking 2nd grader, lol!

      ” We are done. This woman is not right for me. I found out she still talking to her ex she’s not good for me I feel so used. And such a fool.” BTW, he titled the email he titled as “Fool”. Pretty much sums it up right there too. Yes, yes, you are a fool. Dumbass actually thought OWife was gonna be faithful to him? Dude she’s a whore looking for a sugar daddy @ a $10 gym. WTF did you think she was gonna be like, ME and put up with all your shit? Obviously, again I never responded to that email either.

  • A few months after divorce was final, and he was ready to introduce now-OWife to the kids (he had tried to spring her on them earlier that year, on Father’s Day of all days, and I went “mama bear” on his ass…), he wrote me a long, condescending email about “working together for the sake of the children.”

    He closed it with this vomit-inducing non-apology:

    “I take ownership in my part of the dissolution of our marriage. I apologize for any pain that I caused you. I hope you find happiness and that we can work together to ensure that our children feel equally loved by both of us.”

  • My D-Day occurred while she was on a business trip out of town. When I confronted her about the information I had learned and demanded that she give me some answers, it was met with a threat of a restraining order straight away. There was no remorse and no apologies. Of course I later discovered she was never on a business trip and was on a romantic weekend away. I’m still disgusted that upon finding out that her family was at its end, she still did not even cut her trip short to come home to deal with it.

    After our divorce hearing, to which she did not even attend, she asked me for a status update. I informed her that she was divorced and gave her the very few details that pertained to it. She ended the conversation with this, “For what it’s worth, I am sorry. Sorry for everything.”

    As you can guess, her conduct following our divorce has shown anything but remorse, sorrow, or even a conscience.

    • Love this.

      “Hi — since I did not attend our divorce hearing, can you give me a status update?”
      “Sure. You are divorced.”

  • I never got an apology. What I got was, “Why can’t you just admit you were a shitty wife?” delivered as he ran off to be with, and eventually marry, the OW.

  • As i stood shaking and sobbing with a hotel receipt in my hand, he said, “i paid for jack’s hotel because he was too drunk to drive home.” Doesn’t he live close by – like take a taxi? “Yes but he didn’t have a credit card.” Doesn’t he make a shit ton more money than you and you could have paid for a cab, duh? “Jesus. He didn’t have his card.” But didn’t he know he was meeting you at a hotel bar for a night of drinking with the boys? “How the fuck do i know what he was doing before?” Why are you only telling me this a month later now that I’ve got this receipt? We can not afford willy nilly extra charges. “Because you have ruined every single relationship with family and friends I’ve ever had. You force me to lie to you because you can’t hanfle that i have friends you don’t like. I’d love to be able to tell you the truth but this is all your fault and I’ve always got to lie to you so I don’t get shit from you.” At which point he was screaming in my face so effectively that i was crying too hard to just have him call jack in front of me and see if they’d settled the bill after the fact. But there was no jack. More like a Jill. It was the beginning of the mountain of lies crumbling.

    Fun fact: when i told him to finally gtfo, he cried that he had no where to go. I kindly suggested he finally could hang with all those awesome friends and family I’d kept him from, who’d probably be thrilled to see him get away from his controlling bitch wife. And what about Jill? There was someone who I’d never kept him from! She’s a true friend, have her come getcha! In fact, some of these friends lived walking distance from us, we were in one of the largest metro areas in North America at the time, downtown. Walking distance, plus he could grab what he needed off the lawn as he left. He ended up driving 3 hours to his moms because he had fucked over too many “friends” and/or was so embarrassed that the identity of his wet hole was now general knowledge. And mrs dr Frankenstein who had created this monster was only too happy to have him back in her uterus, um i mean back home.

  • Mine tends not to apologize so I didn’t get a really good false apology to display, but I will recount what I did get.

    Somewhere within the first few weeks after DDay I said something to the affect of “You never apologize”. I guess he wanted to prove me wrong because a few days later I got the vague apology. It was just “I’m sorry”, not really what he was sorry for. The sense I got was “I am sorry our marriage didn’t work out and we just cant make each other happy”

    A few days before the divorce was final he told me that daughter had asked if he ever apologized and he sort of tried to apologize, but what he said was “I am sorry I didn’t try to get marriage counseling before I strayed”. I interpret that as “I am sorry I didn’t try to fix you before I went shopping for your replacement”. And I only got even that much because daughter implied that he should apologize.

    • I remember telling mine he never said he was sorry, and his answer was “Yes I did.” That was typical. He did finally admit he knew that he’d hurt me deeply, but he still wouldn’t say he was sorry. Only that it was all my fault over and over.

  • During a final confrontation when I said, “This would be so much easier if you could just tell me you’re sorry!” He said, “I’m sorry you’re having a difficult time dealing with this.”

  • Today, the NYT has a piece entitled “Mea Culpa. Kinda Sorta.”

    It’s kinda like the UBT (but not as awesome) of the “apologies – and non apologies – issued by high-profile men accused of sexual misconduct.”

  • Oh i got the classic fitwit no responsibility note which CL ran previously with hilarious decodong. I laughed out loud when I got this piece of shit. Here goes:

    Chumpy,
    My heart is now open and the strong feelings are felt.
    As these words are written tears drip down my eyes more than i can remember.
    The suffering I have caused. The hearts that have been broken. the pain is felt.
    You are more than words can write, more home than the feeling of home.
    Yet I cannot have you and that is the truth.
    No need for forgiveness or sympathy here.
    I am broken beyond repair.
    Moving on moving forward.
    In the deepest closet in the back of your mind, please please know when I see you I see light.
    Always,
    Dumpster Diver

    Lol . Word vomitz

    • OMG !!! That’s some serious mindfuckery right there .
      I’d love to know the back story to this .

      What a manipulative, con man !
      Ugh ! I’m angry for you !
      Glad you are free from his ass

  • “I am sorry for hurting you and the kids, but there is no amount of money that will make up for it.” as he sets up his girlfriend as an employee (first employee he has ever had) for the sole purpose of funneling income through her to reduce his income…and try to reduce child support. Cut his income by a third in just one year through creative accounting.

    • My cheating, abusive, ex-husband decided to quit working in his high paid career without any prompting from employers/clients to create cartoons for free for a year before he filed for divorce…I empathize and am outraged for you!

      • RockStarWife, things like that are what show us that they are rotten to the core. That takes planning and is a direct, conscious choice to screw you (and kids) over. The only good that comes of it is that it puts an end to the back and forth confusion about what is really going on with them. You can stop untangling the skein and simply trust they suck.

  • Not even 1100 am and there are well over 200 comments. Popular topic, I see!

    I repeatedly asked my ex for an apology, for some reason it was important to me to now he was sorry for treating me so badly. He had telephoned my mother and apologized to her for his behavior, but I got zilch.

    Finally, he said to me, “I already apologized to you. I remember distinctly saying ‘I’m sorry’ the night you confronted me.” The non-apology apology.

    Yeah, right. If you were truly sorry you would apologize as many times as I need you to.

  • Glad I was sitting down when I got mine, here are the highlights:
    “Yup, the affair was all on me, I went outside the marriage because you were so outgoing in the bedroom, quick to listen, willing to step out of your comfort zone, and all around perfect wife. I shouldn’t have done what I did but you’re right, you played no part in it, just keep telling yourself that and all your future relationships will thrive. I’m never going g to be some perfect person, good luck on finding that but I can tell you it’s not out there. Maybe you need a man with no nuts so you can control him. Now you can do anything you want, yay for,you, you won again.”

    Talk about putting your brain in a blender.

    Mind you this was a guy I went to therapy with for years trying to make our marriage better and he never once said anything other than “Beachgirl is perfect, I have no complaints”. And like all of you I bet over backwards trying to make him happy but the bar was constantly moved on me. He’s dead now but his non apology still makes me scratch my head.

  • Here is my apology letter from my “nice guy”. Just as an FYI- he writes this but refused to give up his AFF whore, cause he couldn’t help that he was “in love with 2 women” and I was obviously not evolved enough to understand that. Read with the UBT firmly in place- it will make you want to vomit, lol!

    FROM MY HEART
    I’ve failed you.

    As much as it pains me to admit, I have done exactly that. It started the day we got married, when I didn’t see the pain your brothers were causing you and it appears to have continued throughout our marriage.

    I used to pride myself to being easy to talk to, being attentive and understanding, always being there when people needed me. You’ve pointed out on more than one occasion that I actually AM that person – for everyone else but you. There is a fine line between relying on someone always being there for you and taking them for granted. It appears I have crossed that line and, without knowing it, become complacent. Looking back, I have also realized this was not something which just happened – it began long ago. I have failed you.

    Early on, we had some struggles with communicating. You came from a background where voicing your opinion and showing your feelings were not the norm. I came from one where it flowed like a tsunami. We needed to find middle ground and it was difficult. I’d ramble to the point of wearing you down, or you’d stew over something until you hit the boiling point and explode. You tried to tell me what you needed, but I didn’t hear you. I thought I did and would try to change, but would simply fall back to my old ways of talking too much. I never allowed you to get your points across before finishing sentences for you. What you needed was someone who would listen to you, allow you to get your thoughts out, and would then – and only then – respond to you. I have failed you.

    Marriage is supposed to mean dedicating oneself to their partner. Where I am dedicated to you, I have also failed you. I violated your biggest trust and there is no way I can ever say I’m sorry enough to make up for it. I was weak. I was weak and strayed. Instead of coming out and talking to you, admitting I was having an issue, I strayed. It was the mother of all screw-ups and I know that. If I could turn back time and take it back, I would in half-a-heartbeat. “Remorseful” doesn’t even come close to how I feel about what I did to you.

    I’m weak and I’ve failed you.

    I’ve been blind when I shouldn’t have been.

    “When the going gets tough, the tough get going” apparently does not apply to me. I used to think I was strong and able to handle any tough situation presented to me. In a way, I can – for others. For some reason, when it comes to my own life, I can’t seem to do as well. It seems I can easily assist others in their issues, being supportive and providing ideas for them to consider – just not myself. You’ve seen me do it and, on occasion, even pointing it out to me. Even with you pointing it out, I still never seem to be able to extend that same “friendship” to my own life. I’ve been blind.

    I also tend to hide. You’ve noticed it, but may not have realized it. You’ve made comments on more than several occasions that I act as though there’s nothing wrong. That’s probably how it looks, but it’s not quite true. My way of avoiding confrontation is to simply act as though everything is fine. Inside, I know exactly what’s wrong – I just try not to let it be seen.

    Anyway – I don’t know what else I can say at the moment. Please believe me that I know I’ve hurt you. I know I’ve betrayed you. I know I’ve been an absolutely shitty husband, partner, and friend to you. I’ve been blind, weak, and have simply failed you. If you were to walk away right now, I’d understand it. I’d be absolutely devastated, but I’d understand it. I don’t want you to go. I need you. I want you. As much as you may think this is only a line, this much is true – you complete me. You complete me and I desperately need you in my life – in our life. I want to learn how to communicate with you. I want to hear what you are saying, understand it, and provide you with the support you need.

    Remember this – I love you. I always have, I do now, and I always – ALWAYS – will. You are everything to me and it’s killing me that I’m the cause of all your pain. Please know that I’m SO very sorry for doing this to you. I promise.

    I am now and forever will be yours, my love.

    • Fun with Word Count

      Total words = 788
      Cheater self-references = 92 (12%)

      “I” = 54
      “I’m = 4
      “I’d” = 4
      “I’ve” = 8
      “me” = 15
      “my” = 7