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UBT: “My dog loves Mark.”

Dear Chump Lady,

After I kicked out my cheating ex-boyfriend Mark, he moved in with one of my best friends, Heidi, as a “roommate.” Yeah, right. I went no contact with them both because I needed to step away from the drama, but Heidi just sent me a Christmas card which I hoped you could put through the UBT.

“I hope you have a nice holiday and find Mr. Right. I know you have had a lot of struggles with men not being honest in the past. I have as well. Not everyone is out to ruin your life but I didn’t want to to talk to you about Mark living with me because I knew you had sore feelings, he did too. Sometimes I am surprised how you react to things and are very hasty in judgments. Mark is doing fine, he is very respectful, he is now working during the week. Honestly, if you wanted to rent a room to my ex-boyfriend Bill or my ex-husband Jessie I would not hold it against you. Actually I would probably thank you as they are struggling to pay all their bills as they make 1/3 of what you make. My dog loves Mark and I have gotten Mark to eat more healthy and get his car in better repair. He actually listens sometimes! I never hear him call anyone or receive any calls. I think he really loved you, but kept the room in case you might kick him out like when you two went to LA…”

This is me again. Mark lived rent-free for 6.5 years in my home, but kept his bachelor pad that entire time. I can’t believe he has my ex-friend making excuses for him. Anyway, I was stunned to get this message in the guise of a Christmas card. I keep repeating to myself Not My Monkeys, Not My Circus…


Dear CheaterDefeater,

That’s one smug little monkey you got there.

So, I’m confused why if Mark had a bachelor pad, he went to go (cough) “pay rent” with Heidi? I’m sure Heidi will be confused too eventually. But no matter, the important thing is that thanks to Heidi’s unwavering stewardship, Mark is now eating his vegetables.

Wow. What a man-child prize. No tag backs!

Now, to the UBT…

“I hope you have a nice holiday and find Mr. Right.

I hope you have a nice fuck off and die alone.

Good luck on your eternal quest for Mr. Right. Perhaps you could bake some gingerbread men and crush their little sugar spirits this holiday season.

I know you have had a lot of struggles with men not being honest in the past.

I know you struggle with being a chump. Not me. Eyes wide open here. What’s that, Mark? Where’s my wallet? I left it on the counter, Sweetheart!

I have as well. Not everyone is out to ruin your life, but I didn’t want to to talk to you about Mark living with me because I knew you had sore feelings, he did too.

Not everyone is out to ruin your life. Just me. And Mark.

Sometimes I am surprised how you react to things and are very hasty in judgments.

I am surprised at how you reacted to your best friend fucking sheltering your boyfriend. Your conclusion that I’m a back-stabbing bitch was very hasty astute.

Mark is doing fine,

Enough about us. The important thing that Mark is fine. Better even.

he is very respectful,

He could never cheat on me. He respects me. In that can’t-introduce-you-to-anyone-yet sort of way, that conceals deep, abiding admiration. #UwouldntUnderstand #itsdeep

he is now working during the week.

He’s only a deadbeat for you! I’m sure I’ll see that paycheck. #sugarmomma

Honestly, if you wanted to rent a room to my ex-boyfriend Bill or my ex-husband Jessie I would not hold it against you.

Looking for Mr. Right? Here are some of my cast-offs.

Actually I would probably thank you as they are struggling to pay all their bills as they make 1/3 of what you make.

You know why you can’t keep a man? You emasculate them with your well-paying job. Makes their balls positively shrivel up and retract. Mark and I spend many evenings alone on the sofa with tweezers trying to pluck out his tiny retracted balls. Balls that YOU SHRUNK with you femi-nazi high-earning ways.

My dog loves Mark

My dog has bigger balls than Mark, but he emasculates no one. He is a dog, who earns no money.

and I have gotten Mark to eat more healthy and get his car in better repair. He actually listens sometimes!

Mark leaves all the adulting to me! #winning

I never hear him call anyone or receive any calls.

Mark would never cheat on me. Only you. I’m listening, keeping constant vigilance and I can say with a high degree of certainty that he NEVER receives any calls. On the cell phone that I know about.

I think he really loved you, but kept the room in case you might kick him out like when you two went to LA…”

Mark only keeps that extra apartment because of his fear of abandonment that you instilled. Too bad you couldn’t realize how much he loved you. Unlike me, who is here to work on Mark’s abandonment issues and give him the unconditional love you could not. An extra $20, Mark? Well okay, dear, if you’re sure it won’t emasculate you. You know where my wallet is…


The UBT hopes you have a very Happy Holiday without this deadbeat fuckwit. You win!

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at [email protected]. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • Oh, poor Mark! Yeah, CD, bad you for having a well-paying job. I made more money than ex Asshat…supported his ass while he got 3 degrees, ran the house, paid the bills and took care of the kids all while he felt small because I made more money than him. Some balls I’ve got, right? He felt trapped…yeah, must be rough spending thousands on strip clubs, happy endings, porn and escorts while your bills are all paid, house is clean, kids are fed and tucked in and your lovely wife is home waiting for you every night. Must. Have. Been. Really. Fucking. Rough.

    So glad Heidi can share how happy she is…I mean, it’s Christmas. Good luck to her in 2018 when Mark gets sloppy and leaves his burner phone on the counter. Assholes. They deserve each other.

    • Oh my gosh, same story! Cheater was just so depressed about “not being good enough for me” that he just had to spend thousands of dollars and hundreds of hours jacking off to porn, sending penis pictures to webcam girls, and getting happy endings from massage parlors. I mean, he was so concerned about not “pleasing me” that he ordered “male enhancement” ‘vitamins’ to try to get his dick pictures to strangers to look better – for me of course!

      I was just too intimidating with my ability to work multiple jobs and still take on 90% of all parenting duties, cook dinner, clean, and be a functioning member of society. If only I weren’t so ‘godlike’ and just let the house go, the finances go, and left the children un-parented – maybe then he would have not felt so overwhelmed by my greatness that he needed to jack off to porn while I was reading the kids bedtime stories and tucking them in at night.

      Maybe Heidi has another room she can rent to my STBX. He doesn’t like dogs, but maybe Heidi with her wonderful veggie eating skills can change his mind too.

      • Yep, I got the “you were always too good for me” sad sausage routine as well. All BS. These assholes are so full of entitlement that Narcissus himself would be proud.

    • Omg. #metoo. Didn’t work for 4yrs. While I worked my ass off for family and homes and nice vacations and supported him and his hobbies. Found time to spend evenings in bar and met single poor mom who made him feel alive and young. I was too generous and made him feel like a man/child. WTF? Asshole. For divorce money and now not working again but has a great idea for business. Buying trips for ow and her teenage son. Did I already say asshole? Ok. Fucktard then.

      • It’s awesome isn’t it? Won’t lift a fucking finger to do the housework. Makes you his fuckable mommy then complains that you made him feel like a child. Bastard.

        • That is why they need the fu_kbuddy, they know they are beneath your goodness, charity and mightiness! I believe they deep inside know they do not deserve you. Most of these cheater types (your cheater & OW, OM, etc.). need the adulation of a low life because they are a piece of crap! Lowness needs to find it’s level out there in Cheaterville!

          • I don’t know how many times over the years the cheater ex said to me, “You are too good for me.” Or “You are out of my league.” I wish I would have believed him and he was right! I said to cheater freak a few times before I left, “You never deserved me.” and HE DIDN’T! 20+ years wasted, pouring my energy and love into someone who never deserved it.

      • #Me too. By the time he left I was making 80% of the income for our family and doing all the adulting. For example, in 11 yrs of marriage, he never once opened his mail. Traffic ticket, mortgage notice, card from his mother…Couldn’t be bothered. He said he had the affair because I wasn’t paying enough attention to him. His departure has reduced my expenses, expanded my closet space, allowed me more ‘me time’ and quality time with the kids, while drastically simplifying my adulting responsibilities. It still hurts like hell, but I owe him a thank you. Now I can afford to save for the kids’ college fund, and I don’t have to share any of my retirement income with Peter Pan. #silverlinings

    • Huge eye roll! She needs to get a life. Poor thing still feels threatened by an ex-girlfriend?? Geez

  • Wow just wow… I’m glad you went no contact on these two. Can we say super codependent and super kibble provider (your ex friend). I’ll laugh with you when this blows up in her face and she realizes he’s scammed her for all her money. Yes let these monkeys be!

  • This is really odd.
    She knows he cheated on you right?but not with her? (then)
    Sooooo, how come he ” really loves you”??
    In any case, she is no friend. LEAVE THEM TO IT.

    • How very cruel. What kind of friend, what kind of woman would send such a thing. The total lack of conscience is scary.

      I’m also so upset at a friend of mine. She knows what I went through discovering my STBX husband of one year had throughout our whole relationship been involved with the more the merrier text/online/physical affairs (Ah babe it was just a silly habit I got into. It was just a laugh). I hadn’t seen her for ages and we went for pizza. She’d previously confided in me about her boring, sexless marriage of 15 years and, as she’s tried everything to spice things up and is only 36, I encouraged her to seriously think about leaving him. She told me they’re now like brother and sister but I was so shocked to hear she’s now involved in two online/phone affairs with married men plus one physical one with the husband of another couple they go on holiday and out for meals with. I begged her not to do this and to think of her own husband, and the wives of these three men she’s involved with. I don’t know any of the people concerned but feel sick at the thought of all the deceit and heartbreak to come. I love my friend but was shocked at how dismissive she was, and just laughed saying its just a bit of fun. It hurt me too as she knows that’s how my marriage imploded. I sensed it makes her feel powerful. So sad.

      • You need to find a new and better friend. One that has a conscious like you. What a horrible person to even discuss it with you knowing what you went through! Do her husband a favor and let him know!

      • She has shown you what kind of person she is. She is deceitful, sneaky, without sexual morals, careless with other peoples hearts, health (and possibly lives). She does NOT deserve your love. I wouldn’t be the tiniest bit surprised to learn she was in your husband’s harem and is extracting satisfaction by telling you about her affairs and thinking you are so stupid you deserve it. This witch is not your friend. She is NO ONE’S friend.

        • Lostntx and Jojobee you’re both right about this of course. Its strange as she’s been faithful in her marriage until recently despite their problems. She just doesn’t seem to care about anyone but herself now.

          I can understand you thinking Jojobee that she was also involved with my husband but I’m pretty confident that she wasn’t. He was outed after a chance phone call made me check his bills. I’d never done this before despite his number being on my contract. There I found around eight numbers involved and some calls but thousands of texts. Her number wasn’t one of them so if she did get involved with him it was after I threw him out.

          I’m scared to tell her husband as he’s a very difficult, socially awkward and aggressive man. To make it worse the man she’s having the full affair with is his work colleague. Its all such a mess.

          • Send the husband an anonymous tip. When you do include any evidence you might have (has she told you about any site profiles etc.) As far as the husband being “aggressive,” do you know this for fact, or, just what she’s told you? MANY female AP use the “scared of my abusive/controlling husband” trope. Frankly, if they were that abusive or controlling I doubt the woman would be able to get away with the shenanigans. Maybe he seems awkward because he suspects and at every social gathering he’s wondering who in the room may be screwing his wife. As we all know a lot of gaslighting comes with affairs. And as CL says, maybe he does suck. That doesn’t mean she’s entitled to an affair.

            • Yes good point. I don’t think he’s directly aggressive to her and she has never complained of violence or being scared of him. From what I know he just seems a bit odd and unpopular. Thankfully there are no children. I’m sure he’s not easy to be around but you’re right that doesn’t give her license to cheat. There are three innocent women too who have no idea of her involvement with their husbands. I asked her how she could socialise with the wife of her physical affair but she just shrugged with a smile. I’m getting the impression that’s all part of the fun for her now. I don’t have any evidence just her own accounts of everything. I’ll try to talk to her again.

              • This friend gets her jollies from pulling the wool over other people’s eyes ?!

                Dump and run…from both of them.

                Almost forgot…burner phone.

      • Natalia B. – Honestly, I would wonder if she had been involved with your husband as well. Clearly she doesn’t care about the other friends, why would she have felt any differently about you and your marriage.

        Get rid of her.

        • Yes can see why you think that Keep It Moving but as I explained to Jo Jo Be above I’m fairly sure she didn’t get involved with him. If she did it would have been after I threw him out but I agree she’s shown herself to be dishonest and lacking in empathy for others. Not the kind of friend I want to be around.

    • Heidi’s Dog: “I only like him because he lets me lick peanut butter off of his small, retracted balls.”

      • Sorry for the mental picture, folks. CL, CN and the UBT seem to bring out the vulgar in me — maybe because this is the only place I feel permission to be brutally honest.

        THANK YOU for liberating me, fellow Chumps! Be mighty today!!!!

        • Don’t be sorry, you are doing a community service, laughter is so important to our health!

        • Thanks so much, lostntx!!! And all the rest of you incorrigibles!

          That was THE best laugh I have had in ages!

          Yeppers…..I believe that constitutes abuse!!

    • “My dog loves Mark”. Translation: he took my couch and he smells funny. Plus I needed someone to lay around with all day with me while my Mom is at work.

    • My dog loves everyone I introduce him to. Why shouldn’t he? They’re with me so they must be okay. Dogs are bright but they’re not *that* bright.

    • As I shared with other chumps, my ex really was named Mark. And not even his dog liked him.

  • I LOVE the UBT.

    I UBT everything now. Not just my cheater’s shit (which I am slowly forgetting and reaching Meh). Mastering the buttons on a UBT is a life skill.

    My cheater came by to see one of our dogs on his way to meet me in court. My housekeeper let him stand in front of the gate. She called dog for him and told me dog did not growl, but did not wag his tail either, he just seemed curious.

    Cheater ignored our cats and the other dog. Very convenient because I got left with responsibility and expenses, cheater did not even ask about this major issue. Probably because, except for one cat, all the other pets are very old…

    Maybe Heidi’s dog likes jerks. Mine doesn’t.

    • Mine used the dogs as a bargaining chip like a pro. If he didn’t get the house in the divorce, I would get all six dogs (I am a dog rescuer. He got the house because I cared about the dogs could not take them all and he threatened to give them to the pound. It worked. Chumps get chumped because of their hearts. It has been a weak spot for me all my chumpy life, and I am sure for other Chumps too.

        • Regina,
          Reread our posts. Am confused, sorry, but did you end up getting the dogs.
          I sure hope so.

          • He got the house and three dogs, I got to get away with three dogs. I ended up with all of them as mine passed away. (old) He was at least good to dogs!
            Thanks for the compliment. Love dogs. At least if they do something bafd, they didn’t really mean to!

      • Mine left me with his 13 yr old dog and all the vet expenses associated with that, without ever looking back, then told my kids he would get a brand new puppy when he gets his new place. I told the kids that when (if) their father ever moves out of his parents’ basement, then I will “gift” him his dog, since he claims to miss her so much, and I’ll get the puppy.

      • It’s been 2 years. The man-child has never asked about our dogs. Not even the one that we got as a puppy that favored him. When he came to the house with an appraiser a few months ago he asked to see the dogs. The older one started wheezing really bad so the visit was cut short.

        He wanted high appraisal so I would not be able to buy him out and my daughter and I would be kicked out of our home – and he would take the dogs, he said. He’s not allowed pets in his rental with his gf, and he doesn’t care about the dogs – except to use them to try and hurt me. He liked to threaten that he’d take our daughter and dogs away from me.

        I bought him out.

        He wanted to force sale so bad to punish me for divorcing him and getting support.

        I found a text from him last year saying how I was out to hurt him (by lawyering up and getting support- that’s hurtful to a narc, you know. Hurtful! His lying cheating and dumping his family, giving his friends naked pictures of his gf, and having a. Baby with the 23 year old is a lifetime achievement – not something that hurts anyone ) but he will survive!!!

        He didn’t understand the divorce – why couldn’t things stay like they were?

    • This is the truth. We should not wander around in the world without a UBT at the ready, to use on bosses, colleagues, supposed friends, disordered relatives, nasty store clerks, nebby neighbors and of course, cheaters and APs.

  • “… I knew you had sore feelings, he did too.” Who cares if he has “sore feelings”? This is especially obnoxious. It is like someone defending your mugger. “I know you have sore feelings from when he beat you down and took your wallet, he does too.” [How dare you report him to the police.]

    • Yeah, I keep hearing this from people “he is hurting too”. At one point he told me “this whole situation just sucks”. Yeah you idiot, it sucks because you made it suck and then refused to even attempt to fix it. If he’s hurting, his pain is all self inflicted so why am I supposed to care about that? It’s like another false #metoo, His pain is not equivalent to mine. I didn’t cause his pain. He is the one who hurt us both.

      • Yes, yes, yes! Echoing in my head today: yesterday I asked lawyer if she thought from a legal standpoint it would be best for fuckwit to give me a check for my share of the company’s earnings of which I am a 25% owner. She said yes but you don’t know what he will do because he is so spiteful.

        My thought spiteful? Yes he is but wth?:he cheated on me for years, abandoned me and the children yet he is spiteful.

        • OMG Feelingit – YES Spiteful! My divorce costed me 30k because I deserved nothing. He cheated and murdered our family, but he was entitled to it all because he made more (not that much!) money than I did. My divorce took nearly 3 years because he was such a dick about everything because him going out and getting a fuck phone was all my fault you see.

        • He’s spiteful because he’s mad as hell you had the gall to bring his little party to an end.

            • Yes, now he needs a maid, a nanny a tutor and a job to replace you! How cruel of you to not allow his cheating.

              • You forgot nutritionist! He’s eating his veggies! It’s her super power! Ha! Ha! Now i’ve Heard it all! What is he? Two years old? Does she sneak zucchini into his brownies?

              • Exactly Roberta my bastard ex husband rubbed all his affairs right into my face and on his 50th birthday I finally told him enough was enough! He just rolled his eyes at me after I took the family out for dinner and paid I was disgusted! Not long after that I filed for divorce! 21 years of being faithful, cleaning house, raising kids and cooking! The meals had to be regular as mommmy was a great cook but never worked outside the home!

            • If you can get zucchini into brownies you may have talents that can get rid of your cheater forever-or am I watching too much ID Channel?
              Just a joke, but a good fantasy!
              Chumps have different fantasies than Cheaters, and much better control!

      • His pain is not equivalent to mine. I didn’t cause his pain. He is the one who hurt us both.


      • Oh Yeah, I got that, too. From his attorney. “Oh, your STBX is so sad and depressed over the divorce.” Well then, why the hell did he make phone sex, strip clubs and getting strange in motels over a hundred miles from home his priority over his wife who put him through med school and bought him a car? So glad to be divorced from that a$$hat. 20 years of bliss!!

        • In the early months after Mr Quitter moved out of our house (after 30 years of what I thought was a happy marriage) I was approached after church one Sunday by a former associate pastor who was Facebook friends with both of us. I had unfriended Mr. Quitter and his entire family a week after he walked out – couldn’t stand seeing him looking so happy and carefree living at his brothers’ house. Anyway, she told me how sorry she was to hear about our split (I hadn’t told her and had never mentioned anything on social media) and then proceeded to tell me that “he is feeling very badly, too. He told me this is the hardest thing he’s ever been through.” To which I all but laughed in her face and replied, “This is completely his doing – he decided the marriage was over and moved out. If he’s feeling bad, that’s his own problem. I don’t care and I don’t want to hear anything about him.” And I walked away. She seemed a little shocked, but I was still reeling trying to figure out what had happened to my life – I certainly didn’t need her implying that I should be concerned about HIS feelings, too!

  • “My dog loves Mark”
    3 against 1. Even the dog agrees.
    Wow this bitch ????

    • My dog loves my ex, too. My dog also loves rolling in dead animals, eating cat shit, pooping on the carpet, licking himself, eating off the kitchen floor, picking up snotty Kleenex from the sidewalk, and sticking his nose in people’s crotches and in my cat’s rear end. My dog follows garbage trucks down the street with a glazed look in his eyes.

      So it goes without saying that my dog loves my ex. I’ve learned to accept it.

      • LOL!

        Champ, that’s hilarious!

        Especially loved that last trait:

        “My dog follows garbage trucks down the street with a glazed look in his eyes.”

        Reminded me of the Python pursuing his waitresses, work underlings, and now the dating site “ladies.” Not a lot of brain cells engaged. Just “garbage – good! me go after.”

      • My husband and I are both laughing at this! Thanks for the chuckle and the visual. ????

      • Ahahahahaha….Champ, my dog’s specialty is rolling in cow shit…I am in tears right now…

  • Just look at the facts. He mooched off you and kept an apt. Why? I am guessing a lot went on there that you knew nothing about. It is either really weird or really creepy or really awful. You don’t want to know. In fact HE sounds creepy. Let Heidi have him. He sounds yucky.

      • I wonder just how old he is. He has a “mother” telling him to eat his greens. I’ll bet she makes him brush his teeth and wash his face before bed. He keeps his hidey hole so he can put on his cowboy costume and play cowboys and Indians and hide from Mom. Of course he could be there watching porn.

  • If any Chump ever needed affirmation of the powers of No Contact, this unsolicited letter from Cheater Heidi to a Chump Running Silent is telling.

    #heyoverhere #whyarentyoulookingatme #yoohoo #isthisthingon #doyoustillhaveheraddress

    • Ha! The envelope was handwritten with Heidi writing my name and Mark writing my address, so you are so right!!!!! You nailed it!

      • I wonder how long it took the two of them to write that missive. She probably did the first draft, and then he added the parts about himself.

      • CheaterDefeater, if it’s any consolation, her letter is a pretty damned good indication that things are not going well for the two of them. If everything was great, you wouldn’t even be on their radar. This is some grade A impression management. Why is she trying so hard to convince you everything is so rosy? Because it is not!

        • KIM; Very astute insight!
          They have become bored with each other & the whole thing has lost it’s sheen & luster now that you have told them to pack sand and they don’t have to sneak around any more. Could you please reengage with them & reignite the passion in their loins?
          Pretty please with an STD on top?
          The day you convey you could care less, that caravan will run out of gas and will be left by the roadside!

  • Trying to triangulate at its finest! “I have him and not you, nanner, nanner, nanner!” I hope Rudolf craps in her eggnog!

  • What an incredible hag! Now it is time for you to sit back and chuckle to yourself because her “fate” with him is so predictable. He hasn’t changed one bit. She’ll find herself in the same exact position you were in with him soon enough. Stay no contact with both of them! If she sends you anything else by mail, do not open, and write on the envelope “refused”. It will be returned to her.

    • So true. Heidi + Mark = keep a stash of Rosemary Parmesan popcorn and some Cabernet on hand.

    • Heidi didn’t put her return address on the envelope, she probably knew I would refuse it!

  • Girlfriend even projects the thoughts of a dog! Real Dr. Doolittle.
    She sure is a whale of a mind reader. She’s SO perceptive, that’s what makes her so ever special.

    The hubris of this is mind boggling. 51 shades of screwed up, a card or so short of a full deck. This is called “flying monkey” extraordinaire. I’m sure she has shown a copy of the card to Mark, to show what a sincere, honest and empathetic person she is.
    >>>— Can’t we all be friends????? <<<

    • I am sure he saw the card. Plus he helped address the envelope. You can’t make this stuff up!

  • “Seasons Greetings everyone! Fido here, bringing you the latest with my annual holiday year in review newsletter!

    The biggest news of the year is that . . . we have a new addition to the family! Heidi brought home a stray earlier in the year, which came as a big surprise to me we were doing just fine together. Having Mark around was a bit of an adjustment at first, but it turns out we have a lot in common!

    It’s SOOO great having someone around who loves kibble as much as I do!! I like Kibbles ‘n Bits, while Mark likes something called ‘Kibbles ‘n Tits,’ but it’s such a treat being able to have a human around who’s as focused on in-the-moment gratification as I am.

    It seems that we also have other common interests — I’ve noticed that he watches me intently, and even with a bit of envy, as I lick my own balls, so don’t be surprised if by next year’s letter there’s an announcement about him making great strides in this area.

    Heidi is doing fine — she spends much of her time writing letters to other humans bragging about her training abilities. I’ll confess to feeling a bit neglected as she spends so much time training Mark, but getting him to listen better and eat what he’s supposed to is very important. Getting him to go on the paper is proving to be more of a challenge, especially with that funny looking urine of his that he has to coax out by rubbing furiously with his hand, but I have every confidence Heidi will train him properly there as well.

    Well, that’s it from here — hope everyone had as great a 2017 as we did, and best wishes for the new year.

    Love, Fido”

    • ???????????????? love it, you left out that Heidi is probably trying to quell his envy by licking Mark’s balls for him!

    • UXworld, I don’t know how KK didn’t appreciate you for the man you are. Really. I’m not just throwing some kibbles&tits.

      HeidiHo wants to know why you don’t realize how much better than you she is? Really. Just woman up to this. Even though you make a lot of money, she won!! And the dog, well the dog appreciates being Heidi’s bitch just as much as Mark does. He’s even willing to work for her and eat vegetables. She’s just so much better. I bet he gives up that flat he uses for backup because she is just that special. And better than you. Maybe you would appreciate her doggy bag of leftover boyfriends and husbands? See how nice she is. And better than you?

    • UX–you can retire from storytelling, and go straight to Standup Comedy, passing Go and collecting $200 on your journey.

    • Ha! That is the most fabulous thing I’ve read all week. Thank you. ????????????????????????

    • UX World, you missed your true calling. That’s the funniest thing i have read in a long time. Keep it coming, I love it!

    • UX this is hilarious! Thank you! 😀

      I shared it with my sister and she suggested that perhaps our new chump should send it verbatim to ‘Heidi’, signed by her pooch. What a great idea!

      Here ya go Heidi! Right back atcha there girly! 😀

  • The line that cracked me up was “Mark is doing fine, he is very respectful, he is now working during the week”. Yeah I’m sure my cheaters current victim said the same thing in the beginning.

    • True that…”look how good Mark is for me!! Its ME, all me he does this for, he would have been better before if you had been as good as me!”.

      6.5 years of this…Lord have mercy

    • I know! I heard my X was “attentive” to his AP/current live-in GF. Six months later I heard she was about to go on anti-depressants.

      • or developed some autoimmune disease due to the stress of living with a narcissistic cheater (fibromyalgia, lupus, mutiple sclerosis)

    • Yes, and the part about Mark eating better and getting his car fixed… It seemed amazing to me that anyone could actually write such pathetic lines about their boyfriend’s “achievements” and not be struck like a lightning bolt with “OMG, my boyfriend is a complete punk-ass bitch”.

      But then, unfortunately, I remembered some of my own idiotic spackling. Crap. Heidi vs me…I’ll have to think about it, but it’s not immediately clear who’s more stupid.

  • I posted my above post before I saw UXworld’s great post.
    OMG, it must be Friday.
    Chumps love to smile and CL ‘s UBT is priceless, as usual.

    You ALL just make life so bearable.

    • Peacekeeper, I agree. Many times I read this blog to raise my spirits and it never lets me down! The Chumps are so quick witted and I just LOVE it!

  • Thanks for this laugh today! The letter alone had me laughing in anticipation of the translation I was wondering if I was mistaken and mark was cheaterdefeater’s disobedient dog that dog whisperer friend had taken in for training purposes.

    Sadly, I think you are left with no choice but to dump them both and find healthier friends.

    I am recovering from a tension headache and dream filled night after personal property appraisers came yesterday to value home contents for divorce. The irony is they did fuckwit’s house last week and told me it took the same amount of time. I live in the family home with ten years of accumulation of 7 people and they did not do the kids rooms. They would have been out of here in half the time had it not been for all his shit in the basement and garage. He has lived in his house alone for less than a year(whore doesn’t live there which really just means she has an apartment where she stores all her shit and her cats reside there because fuckwit hates cats.)

    Today’s post made me think that this is yet another manifestation of his inability to adult. He never learned how to part with the things he no longer needs- that was mommy’s job and he buys anything he wants on impulse not weighing needs and outcomes. Amazon loves him. He literally makes multiple purchases daily.

    I guess I should have adulted for him like cheaterdefeater’s friend but it didn’t dawn on me until now because I thought he was an adult not the man child he is.

  • “You know why you can’t keep a man? You emasculate them with your well-paying job. Makes their balls positively shrivel up and retract.”

    This. And it wasn’t just my job or income. *Anything* I did well seemed to make him resent me. Like, how dare I get any attention when all the kibbles of the world belonged to him?!

    • That was my fav line too…CL nailed it.

      My cheater was the same, he HATED doing house projects but hated when I did them well and hated when I did them poorly…I got pretty darn good at carpentry, drywall, painting, simple plumbing and he was just snarly no matter what.

      We once moved to a house with an UGLY masterbath. I painted, sewed curtains, made cornice boxes, put up bead-board and redid the floor…it was LOVELY. I also finished it in like 3 days as to not inconvenience him. The last coat of varnish on the floor was drying and he said “if this isn’t done by tomorrow, I will rip everything down” and he wasn’t one for empty threats. What a mean, unnecessary, insulting, abusive, manipulative asshole thing to say.

      • unicornomore,
        “If this isn’t done by tomorrow, I will rip everything down”
        if, if, if ,if,
        They really are all the same, aren’t they!

      • this – he wouldn’t do things that needed doing, wouldn’t let me get someone in cos he could do it but if I made a start on them he’d refuse to help – that’s blacked he’d say, so he’d never do it. mind you he’d not do them if I didn’t try, or if he did, 99 times out of 100 would leave it unfinished. things I did were not necessarily pretty but worked. He even bitched about our son doing some jobs for mother’s day, even pulled a shelf down, the bastard

      • Unicorn, if he was anything like my husband he would run out and hire some fly by night loser who did shitty work anyways. We actually had one guy who was absent from the “job” every other day. Come to find out he was in jail for harassing his ex GF! Or too drunk to show up!

    • Yup, Cheater used to frequently say to me “you are such a good person” and I thought this was a compliment. But post DD-day, I notice that he frequently wields my goodness like a weapon whenever I try to call him out for his BS: “we can’t all be perfect like you” or “yes you are such a good person” — the words dripping with disdain and resentment.

      • In a moment of rage (usually when he is the most honest), asshole informed me that my integrity made it EASY for him to take advantage of and hurt me. I asked if he understood that he was punishing me for being a good person … he said, “Yes.” Didn’t bother him in the least.

        But, like your cheater, my asshole loves to bash me upside the head with my determination to be a decent human … “You think you are so fucking perfect.” Of course, this is about as far from the truth as you can imagine, but that doesn’t stop him from claiming it in order to justify his abusive bullshit.

        • During our marriage, he would frequently say that I inspired him to want to be a better man. During our most recent argument, he revealed that he resented me for this very same thing. He basically admitted that he finds being a good person to be too much work.

          • Exactly, slowtolearn. He wanted and needed me to be perfect because HE DESERVED PERFECTION, goddamnit! But then he resented my strengths because I constantly showed him up. Not in a I’m Better Than You superiority on my part, but it was blatantly obvious to anyone who got close to either of us that I was the one doing all the heavy lifting with the house, the kids, our income, and just being a nicer person in general.

            Moral of the Story: YOU CAN’T WIN WITH FUCKWITS. You’re either not good enough or too good. Those ever-changing standards will drive you fucking insane.

    • OMG THIS! My STBX liked to take credit for everything right down to people donating to a GoFund Me that a friends started to raise money for my cancer bills. He actually told me I should thank him because people were giving me money because he left me.

  • “I never hear him call anyone or receive any calls.”


    Within a year of my XW and her OM moving in together, she was spying on his phone conversation history via his iPad.

    How romantic. How genuine and trusting. How utterly fuckinggn ridiculous.

    She was just like this moron, wanting so hard to believe her new man wouldn’t cheat on her like he did his wife. Desperate much?

    • Also suspicious… no calls from any women?? perhaps evidence Heidi the Horrible is the woman. No need to call when you’re living with her….

      • Good point, after all the illicit texting that went on between fuckwit and whore, do they really just think they are at the top of the pyramid and it wouldn’t happen to them? Probably.

        Fuckwit did guard his electronics like gold. Trusting fool that I am, I never thought about it. She, on the other hand, has to think about it.

    • I’ll round out the story purely for the amusement of Chump Nation: We know she was spying because she accidentally called MY father on FaceTime, and he answered. He said she gave a panicked “OoopsSorryGoodbye” and then immediately hung up. She also accidentally FaceTimed me several times, including once when my ex was FaceTiming our son from work. I held the screen up to show ex that she was calling/stalking me, and he insisted it must be an electronic glitch, even though I reminded him that she had recently spoken with my dad. I was so annoyed that I hit the “end” button, and my biggest regret is that I didn’t answer so they could see each other face to face!

      Their child is now approaching the age our son was when they started their fuckfest. I bet he’s starting to get the “You’re not the boss of me!” itch that comes from living with responsibilities.

      OopsSorryGoodbye! ????

    • I know aren’t these OW hilarious, lol they actually believe that this chump is ever going to be faithful when he cannot even be faithful to his own wife!????????????

    • How about this for tiananmen square level red flags.

      My exw’s OM The Virus is 8 years younger. So that makes him 36. He’s also a brand manager so anyone in the marketing game will understand how important social media is with that gig.

      He’s also divorced. At that age. I have no idea why but I’m willing to bet he told my ex the same lies she told him about me.

      During my snooping stage (let’s be honest, we all did it) I learned that the virus used to be very prolific in all social media. Facebook, Twitter, Instagram the lot. He even used to comment on amazon products.

      He’s shut down every one except linked in.

      And changed his phone number 3 times in the last 3 years. I’ve had the same number for at least 10.

      Makes you think.

  • “But no matter, the important thing is that thanks to Heidi’s unwavering stewardship, Mark is now eating his vegetables.”
    LOL-ed on this one 😀 I love you Chump Lady 😀 Merry Christmas and a Fucktard-Free New Year to all the Chump Nation!

  • Wow! The good ole’ “I have no idea why you are upset” gig!

    “It’s your perspective that’s skewed, here … let me fill you in on reality. I’m a good person, he’s a good person; you are a somewhat pathetic person, but I have your best interest at heart and wish you the best. Oh, and Merry Christmas!”


    Loyalty is for the weak.

    #sorrynotsorry, #perfectionisbetterthanpathetic, #evenmydogloveshim, #thisinsultingchristmascardproovesimagoodperson

  • Send this chumpy a beautiful Christmas card and sign it from Chumpy to dear x-friend Chumpy with this printed out blog. Do it in the glorious colors of the season. And wish her nice Christmas too.

  • Skid MARK!

    Definition:- an elongated stain in the rear of one’s underwear caused by one of the following: 1)rubbing of the underwear on an insufficiently wiped anus after excrementing 2)expelling juicy farts (butt cheese) into the underwear over an extended period.
    “I think my underwear has a skid mark from farting all day”

  • *Actually I would probably thank you as they are struggling to pay all their bills as they make 1/3 of what you make. *

    So…is she giving her ex-boyfriend and ex-husband money too? Heidi seems to have quite a collection of misfit toys.

  • If you wanted to reply, I’d go with “wow, you two are really perfect for each other.” Because they are, really. A lazy cheating douche and a disloyal catty bitch. That’s gonna be a lovely couple, no mistake.

  • A manchild, this is what Heidi has taken on. Believe that! After the Limited was ‘freed’ his stomach problems, back, knee, and shoulder problems disappeared. Until…yeah that right she got to live through his surgeries.

    Year two she was told she need to see a therapist or else. What a manchild wants is a caretaker. A momfuck who financially supports his disordered logic.
    It really is a better fit in hindsight.

    Poor dog has probably figured out her bed is a revolving place for her fuckbuddies.

  • You know what unwanted, nasty Christmas cards are good for? They make great kindling. Or weewee pads. Or toilet paper for humans, you just have to crumple them a few times to get that stiffness out.
    Can’t wait for the followup about 2-3 years down the line, when the spackling becomes evident. Mark needs time off from work to “concentrate on his life goals”. We’re still oh soooo happy bs while secretly purchasing gps for Mark’s car. Dinging his phone through “where’s my phone” and tracking it to the local whorehouse. Trying out new ways to make kale palatable because that’s probably why Mark has gone cold in bed and now spends hours in the study behind closed doors…

  • My now-thank goodness-ex-MIL called me a “she-man” for working to support my ex while he failed to find new employment for five years. Apparently I was supposed to quit my job let the family starve to death rather than “emasculate him”. OW, our former au pair, was a much better woman for him, according to exMIL since she did proper womanly things like cook, clean and fuck married men (plural). So he ran off with the au pair and now they live together on disability having more children and she flounces around town in see-through shirts and fur coats flirting with yet more men, while I pay them child support and exMIL drains her retirement to help support them. Now he can feel like a proper man.

    • I know all about that my former MIL the same if your were not kissing his ass and making HOMEMADE jam your a BAD wife!????

  • My favorite line was Chump Lady’s not UBT’s: “No tag backs.” That is some #truth right there. Last year, right about this time I took a call from my ex’s former? stripper gf (now former? stripper current felon-on-probation gf) who wanted me to feel sorry for her because he’s cheating on her with — wait for it — strippers. After telling me how horrible he is to her: cheating, alcoholism, and physical abuse and acknowledging that he told her he had never been faithful to me in our 30+ years together, she asked me if I missed him and wanted him back. Um…let me think about it for half a nano second… that would be “NO.” My thought when she asked that question was “All sales are final. No exchanges or returns will be permitted.” No tag backs works too. My life isn’t perfect by any means but I am by far happier without the cheaterfuckmonkey on my back whispering emotional abuse in my ear.

    • Beth, you can’t make this stuff up!!

      Stripper/current felon-on-probation gf has the sadz because cheaterfuckmonkey is cheating on her – with strippers.

      And she wants you to know.

      And THEN asks if you want him back??


    • Good God, Beth, my ex’s whatever (not sure if gf, as I knew she wasn’t his only) emailed me to cry that he was already cheating on her (at the time our divorce wasn’t even final yet). She was no stripper – in fact she was happily unemployed and refused to get a job (she was looking for a man to pay her way). She went on to try and foster some type of siserhood friendship, then called me a bitch when I told her I didn’t want to be “friends” with her. So it’s not just the cheaterfreaks that are all the same, so are their fuckbuddies.

      • oh, and she also asked me if I wanted him back. My guess is that he was triangulating me with them in some way to make her think I was wanting him back. No way, no how. AND – she was also a felon (embezzlement).

        Nothing original or special about any of these freaks.

    • Oh how we learn !!!! In 2005, I really thought (with every thread of my being) that the WORST thing possible would be if he left for Susan of Seattle. Now (with daughter graduating from Univ tomorrow) I wish that I was getting ready to see him and Susan at the graduation…and introduce Susan to my new husband. I wish he had lived long enough to see me find meh

  • What has four appendages, never takes calls and likes to fuck strange bitches? “Mark – Mark!” ????

  • She’s bragging about getting a grown man to eat the occassional leafy green vegetable and to work?
    Honestly, you dodged a bullet but you should make those things minimum requirements in a man you choose as a bf next time.

  • “I went no contact with them both because I needed to step away from the drama…”

    We applaud you. You deserve way better than both of them. This craptacular letter showed the comedy of errors that is their “roommate” situation.

  • Heidi trying to convince herself that her fixer upper project is going well…..
    Guess what? I met a wonderful man and believe it or not, I have no desire to spy on him. He treats me like a princess 24/7. I don’t feel anxious when he isn’t around and I look forward to coming home.
    Total turn around from my life with the Worm! No more walking on eggshells!
    Weird how that works….

    • “I don’t feel anxious when he isn’t around and I look forward to coming home.”– that’s a test! Good call.

  • As brilliant as the UBT version is, I ran that letter throught Babelfish, and here’s what came out:

    “Hi! I’m fucking Mark!”
    Toodles, Heidi

  • Speaking of dogs… That’s one proverbial rub-thy-nose-in-shit kinda card right there. Wow. That’s just evil. Who needs enemies with friends like THAT.

  • Cheater Defeater, that’s a win. You are so on their radar, you get a scolding, humble brag and roast in a faux Christmas card.

    Don’t let this bother you- you won!!!

    She is too much of a cunt to come out and admit it, but Heidi is actually getting nervous. Buyers remorse. Strange numbers on his cell. 4 hours to pick up some take out.

    I would pay large amounts of money to get a Christmas card like this from the other woman but sadly I don’t think she can read and write.

    • Hahaha, probably very true Gilley. You have to wonder if this letter is almost a plea for her to take her ex-bf back-like, “Look, I got him all shiny and adulting for you! I did, in a month, what you couldn’t do in 6 and a half years-you’re welcome…” Sounds like Heidi has some real co-dependent/boundary issues with other people’s lives. She talks about her friend’s ex bf like they have shared custody…Now he’s eating his vegetables…HA!

  • Just wow, just effing wow. The nerve of this woman. Every time I’m like “there can’t be people like this in life,” there they go being people just like this.

  • Next time you get something from one of them send things back, unopened with DELIVERY REFUSED across your address. No one needs that gross pile of stinking word salad in their brain.

  • Chump Nation – Be on High Alert… X’s and OM’s/OW’s simply love to hoover and sparkle during the holiday season… afterall, it is the season to gift fruitcakes.

    Love you all so much – thank you for showing up here every day.

    And the UBT… wish it as an App, Santa 🙂

  • Your doing the right thing and eventually Heidi will realize her mistake with Mark as well! I agree to stay away from them both and their drama you can do much better!????????????????????????????????????????

  • CL, I have a question. Do these takedowns come easily to you? Or do you have to think about them? I’m so beaten down that each eviscerating response is a revelation to me.

    I know you have a full time job so I really appreciate you firing up the UBT for us. Fresh snark, on the regular.

  • Cheater Defender, this Christmas card is a gift. Chumplady, with her UBT has done a brilliant job of pointing out just how dysfunctional your “friend” and former boyfriend are… Make your getaway while they’re still embroiled in each other’s drama. You deserve more.

  • I always have to remind myself that my picker was misaligned, and that I lived with my narc dad and two narcissist husbands for over 45 years — so I cannot really criticize another person. But, of course, I do. I really have great difficulty understanding how in the world some women (and men) put up with the things they do, and don’t seem to even realize they have a problem.

    I worked with a woman who used to drive me crazy when she told her “Perils of Pauline” stories about the situations she allowed herself to get in. She got involved with one man, for example, who she found out was married after about a month. She continued her relationship. She eventually married him when his wife finally divorced him, but he continued to talk to and see his wife — fake wreckonciliations with her — over the course of several years. He never worked, or contributed financially. He ruined her credit. He convinced her to try “swinging” and he took all types of “erotic” photos of her — encouraging her in the pick me dance when he was not wreckonciling with his ex. She found out he posted her photos on porn sites on the net. Her children found out about the photos. She finally divorced him, but after 2-3 years apart (with a few conversations still going on) she tried to get back together with him, again. Seriously. How can I have any sympathy for her? Yes, I have done some very crazy things, too. But usually I only did a crazy thing once. One failure at a time, I accumulated a terrifying number of failures, but little repeat business. Does that make me any less crazy? I don’t know. But somehow I feel less crazy.
    The Heidi in this post seems a lot like the woman I worked with. She has all the information she should need to keep herself from getting involved with this loser — but she does it anyway. Eyes wide open. Still blind.
    You cannot save other people, you are lucky to save yourself!

    • It’s an addiction. Peptides addiction. It defies logic and it’s very traumatic to watch.

  • So glad you didn’t marry Mark the loser/clown and have a couple of kids with him. Good riddance to both of them!

  • Wow, this “girlfriend” sets her bar pretty low. She got him to eat his vegetables! He actually has a job during the week! He got his car serviced! He’s very respectful! Sounds like she is describing a 16 year old.

    It amazes me how many women happily settle for men — and I use the word “men” loosely in describing these types – who are completely lacking in any adult abilities, attractive qualities, or personal responsibility. My ex managed to find such a woman; I’ll bet she would describe him in similar terms to the girlfriend here.

    CheaterDefeater, you KNOW you are going to have the last laugh on this one, even if you never actually hear about it.

  • Dear Heidi,

    I hope you are enjoying the holidays! Thanks for updating me on Mark.

    I’ve had so much extra time and money since he’s been out of my house that I haven’t had a moment to wonder about what’s he’s been up to! I get out to socialize daily since my house is now always clean, and Mark isn’t here whinging about this or that.

    I’ve got to run now, I’ve a meeting with my travel agent!


  • Love the UBT. My theory is that Heidi and ManDog love the triangle and now that they are roommate/Schmoopies, they want to revive the triangle and the luscious ego kibbles from getting Cheater Defeater’s attention. So no contact of course is key.

    But this from Cheater Defeater’s letter caught my attention: “Mark lived rent-free for 6.5 years in my home, but kept his bachelor pad that entire time.”

    Oh, honey. Thanks for the opportunity to write this key life principal on the main forum: Never ever live with someone who isn’t working as hard as you are to keep the ship afloat. (And no, I am not talking about SAHPs or disabled people or even full-time students whose education is truly a part of the family’s long-range plan). I’m talking about a grown man for whom getting a job during the week is a notable event. This isn’t even about what CL calls “reciprocity,” the principle that relationships should be largely balanced in terms of giving and taking. This is about living with a parasite who is looking for a host.

    However painful this situation has been, Cheater Defeater, you’re now in a position to really elevate the level at which you are living. First, and most obviously, you know longer have to tow a grown man behind you in life. So you can get on with discovering and developing your own fabulousness. It’s tough to grow and learn and pursue your dreams with a parasite leaching the blood out of you.

    But even more important, you now have learned that being a “host” for a parasite gets you used up and discarded. There’s no happiness to be gained there. You want to raise your standards, not just for the men choose, the men you allow into your life; you want to raise your standards for friends as well. This woman was one of your “best friends”? She’s a horror show. Whatever you thought she brought to your life is dwarfed by her cruelty. And what that tells me is that you aren’t yet valuing yourself enough. That’s why this experience can be so powerful for you. You can strip down your life and figure out why these people were in your life. Were they relics from a younger, less discerning time in your life? Remember that friends we meet in school and sometimes on the job often get that status simply because we see them a lot. A friend should be someone who has your back, someone you can count on to be honest, kind, respectful, and loyal. Someone who gives as much as he or she gets.

    My astrologer friend told me after D-Day to go back to my young days and make an inventory of my relationships, looking for patterns. The idea was to notice the things I did over and over, as well as the things I changed as I went along (for bad or good). What I learned was that I needed not to date for a couple of years and learn not to “need” a man. And I learned that a few true friends are better than a lot of Heidis. This insufferable, “smug little monkey” has done you a huge favor. You are rid of a lazy, parasitic cheater. You have a chance to rid yourself of other parasitic types. And while they have already grown bored with each other (or they wouldn’t be looking for a triangle), you will be building a much happier, healthier life.

  • Thank you Chump Nation for all of your words of encouragement and support. You and ChumpLady keep move moving towards meh, laughing all the away/

    • I took the dog after I filed for divorce because I wasn’t allowing the new tramp anywhere near my dog it’s bad enough the kids see her!????

  • They have a distorted way of viewing reality, don’t they? Unsurprisingly, twisting logic to make it fit their story it’s an exercise they are well versed in.
    The best part of this letter is in the triangulation: they cannot live without it, without the drama.
    The grown up babies are pathetically!
    Who wouldn’t want to lose such friends?

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