Gosh, you’re so much alike! You could be friends!
Sometimes the cheater is lucid enough to add the caveat “under different circumstances…” But often not! Usually, it’s some “sister wives” or queen bee fantasy — everyone united around the unifying awesomeness that is the cheater.
The chump is understandingly gobsmacked by this suggestion.
Let me posit some theories on why a cheater would think you’d want to be friends with their fuckbuddy.
1. All kibbles are good kibbles. It’s a pretty good look inside their wee, narcissistic noggins that they view you and the fuckbuddy in the same light. You like me! They like me! You both like ME! You have so much in common! Namely, ME! It’s all just kibbles to the cheater. You’re a kibble source, they’re a kibble source. You’re interchangeable really. And if either of you stops being a source, another source can be found.
2. They’re good because I said so. If the fuckbuddy is a bad person, then that reflects badly on the cheater. So let’s say they are a good person! A charming, benign kibble source. You’d like them, because you’re alike! (That was a compliment from your cheater, did you miss that?) Cheaters think they deserve only special people because they’re so special themselves. To say you’re a lot like the fuckbuddy is their weird way of telling you, hey, you’re one of the lucky chosen few, and don’t you want to keep your special place? (Cue the humiliating dance of “pick me.”)
3. The cheater is not very original. It may be in a very superficial way, but perhaps you are similar to the fuckbuddy. You both have big tits, or you’re both brunettes, or both had the same college major. The cheater may have a type. You’re being very narrow-minded dwelling on the fact that you don’t share a penchant for fucking married people.
4. Us all being friends would be very ideal for cake eating. Until D-Day, apparently this fuckbuddy wasn’t someone that they were going to introduce you to. But now that you’re aware of their existence, hey, let’s just all be friends! Wouldn’t that be great? Don’t consider this person a threat — nah, they’re someone — if you just took the time to know them better — who could be a friend. The problem isn’t that the cheater is cheating on you — the problem is that you’re just looking at it all wrong.
And friends never impose consequences on friends.
Hope that explains it, chumps.
This column ran previously, with some tweaks. Working on an Esther Perel take down. Please stop sending me her shit. Thanks.