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You Could Be Friends!

cheater_just_friendsAmong the more patently moronic submissions to Stupid Shit Cheaters Say is the assertion that if you knew the affair partner, you’d really like them.

Gosh, you’re so much alike! You could be friends!

Sometimes the cheater is lucid enough to add the caveat “under different circumstances…” But often not! Usually, it’s some “sister wives” or queen bee fantasy — everyone united around the unifying awesomeness that is the cheater.

The chump is understandingly gobsmacked by this suggestion.

Let me posit some theories on why a cheater would think you’d want to be friends with their fuckbuddy.

1. All kibbles are good kibbles. It’s a pretty good look inside their wee, narcissistic noggins that they view you and the fuckbuddy in the same light. You like me! They like me! You both like ME! You have so much in common! Namely, ME! It’s all just kibbles to the cheater. You’re a kibble source, they’re a kibble source. You’re interchangeable really. And if either of you stops being a source, another source can be found.

2. They’re good because I said so. If the fuckbuddy is a bad person, then that reflects badly on the cheater. So let’s say they are a good person! A charming, benign kibble source. You’d like them, because you’re alike! (That was a compliment from your cheater, did you miss that?) Cheaters think they deserve only special people because they’re so special themselves. To say you’re a lot like the fuckbuddy is their weird way of telling you, hey, you’re one of the lucky chosen few, and don’t you want to keep your special place? (Cue the humiliating dance of “pick me.”)

3. The cheater is not very original. It may be in a very superficial way, but perhaps you are similar to the fuckbuddy. You both have big tits, or you’re both brunettes, or both had the same college major. The cheater may have a type. You’re being very narrow-minded dwelling on the fact that you don’t share a penchant for fucking married people.

4. Us all being friends would be very ideal for cake eating. Until D-Day, apparently this fuckbuddy wasn’t someone that they were going to introduce you to. But now that you’re aware of their existence, hey, let’s just all be friends! Wouldn’t that be great? Don’t consider this person a threat — nah, they’re someone — if you just took the time to know them better — who could be a friend. The problem isn’t that the cheater is cheating on you — the problem is that you’re just looking at it all wrong.

And friends never impose consequences on friends.

Hope that explains it, chumps.

This column ran previously, with some tweaks. Working on an Esther Perel take down. Please stop sending me her shit. Thanks.

Ask Chump Lady

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  • Yeah. Office slunt, OW5, banged 70% of the dudes in the very male dominated field. You’d like her. I had close to 13 years on her & she had at least 50 more pelts under her belt: I’d be her bff. Fucking delusional. Guess you gotta be a fucking moron to try to wife up the company bike. ????

    • Hey, bang all the dudes you want, as long as they’re single dudes and you aren’t telling one or all of them that they’re your boyfriend.

  • Nope….
    although The DreamBoat looks exactly like me…. a “rode hard put away wet” (according to one of his friends)15 year younger version of me… I was told that I am not “allowed” to go near her or speak to her.
    “Remember …. she has small children… stay away from her and leave her alone…”
    That is pretty difficult in her position as she works for the village. I guess our 5 children who were 26-10 at the time don’t matter as much as her 7&9 Yos.

    • I laugh at your post because when’d my close friend saw schmoopie’s picture she also said “looks rode hard and put away wet”.

      Before I ever saw her, fuckwit compared us by saying she is heavier than you. Wtf? Neither one of us need to lose any weight.

      Fuckwit told son he should meet her because she is warm and loving and his dad who has ALS invite her over because that is the type of person he wants to be around in his end days:) (They took my son’s key to their condo away)

      I have turned that over in my head a million ways. I think warm and loving means strange sex without commitment is exciting and she puts on a good show for parents because of $$$.

      When fuckwit made the weight comment early on, he also said that they laid in bed talking about how abused they both were and while his was just mental(hello mirroring) she was also physically abused. I have no idea but it does make sense that she might trade one abusive relationship for another. All I know is her twitter is one sarcastic put down after another and her instagram is about a 10 to one ratio of photos of her to scenery. How many 53 year olds regularly post selfies on Instagram? Could we have a narc duo here?

      She dresses like a slutty teenage girl so I guess she needs to act like one.

      • Oooooh I know it’s a privacy issue but I’d love to see that insta. 50yo in teenager clothes but not as a joke lol

    • Setting you up to look like a nutcase. “She hassled my new girlfriend who has little children, the mad bitch”

        • THIS ^^^^

          Of course they are protective… they’ve changed the narrative of the truth and can’t have people who know it (and probably have physical proof of it).

          Mr. Sparkles told his OW that he was on a vacation with our kids… my attendance for the week, deleted from his selective memory. He also told her we had already spoken to the kids about the divorce, nope again… nada… never happened. As it went down, my stepkids were given THREE DAYS notice that they were moving out so Mr. Sparkles could pursue the OW.

        • Oh Feelingit,
          “So protective of the new supply”
          DDay, cheater said he would need a divorce, it would not be fair to her to just live with her, he would have to marry her.
          ( he actually said that). He did say she felt bad about taking him away from our young daughter. ( I am sure she did not know of my early pregnancy).( Imagine how extra bad she would feel), (yea right)!
          Me, mouth open, stunned, (as happens on DDay), asked, “what about me?”
          He answered, ” We never talked about you.”
          Feelingit, I don’t even know her name, age, size, occupation. NOTHING.
          She is a protected, perfect, OW, out there somewhere in her glory. ( probably ended up with another married man).
          Cheater stayed, she was spared his other character traits.

          Your cheater lying in bed with ow, both saying how abused they are.
          I know you are a very loving Mother, you are a good, moral, loving person.
          He must be blind, blind. I don’t know him, but I don’t like him and I am sorry for all you and your precious children have been through.
          The truth is going to prevail in your court happenings Feelingit, and I am going to rejoice with you.
          We are tied by heart strings, us Chumps, and no cheaters can ever break through that strong bond.


          • Peacekeeper, I continue to be convinced God has sent you to me.

            I am sorry you didn’t uncover your cheaters lies. I am not sure of your story- you give bits and pieces but I am not sure why you are still with your cheater although I would probably be with mine if he hadn’t left. Fuckwit was so protective, I did not figure out who whore was until 3 months after he left and I had to engage in clandestine activity. He did not make things easy.

            To say I abused him is completely laughable. He had all the freedom in the world and he had all the money. I sought his approval efore I did anything. I yelled at him at times but this was when he was cheating on me and treating me like garbage.

            Thanks for your support. I wish I could do the same for you!

            • Oh, but you do support me Feelingit, you do!
              And I thank you for that with all my heart!❤️

  • I thought we were friends!

    I means she was at family events, my family and I stayed at her house many times…hell, I even powerwashed her deck.

    Friends like that, who needs enemies?

    • Rebecca,
      “I even powerwashed her deck”

      I had an anaesthetic for a surgical procedure today and needed help to wake right up from the drug effects and your words did it!

      I think we Chumps will all get together with you, and boy, will we powerwash her deck!

      Stay Mighty Rebecca!

  • For the most part the Limited quoted Nanthony after DDAy; she wouldn’t like it if he spoke to me.

    She wanted my pension. She thought he shouldn’t introduce her to adult children for a year.

    Yeah, I got the wimpy Narc who lied to his new supply, filled her pea brain with horror stories and then used her to fuel his hatred and rage.

    They don’t change. The man couldn’t own any of it it was all HER fault. She jeered insults, called me degrading names and he sat back smiling.

    So for him it was the opposite. He didn’t want us to compare notes. He didn’t want me to ruin it for him. I called her and filled her in on his double life. She believes she has the power to control him.

    Then she approached me and said it was time to make peace. Kibbles! I refused. Then came the rage. Haha, she said I’m dead to them.

    My children figure if it’s not this whore it will be another. Friends? Never. I’m not inclined to pretend either one of them is worth my time or energy.

    The one I’d add is, “Do it for the children.” My lovey granddaughter was 13 at the time. Being friends with abusers gives children the wrong message. I will be damned if another generation of women in my family will tolerate toxic abusers. The buck stops here.

    • Dead to them?
      How lucky can you get?

      Way to go on stopping the buck! Standing ovation for you. Your descendants may never realize the gift you have given them so let me provide you a some appreciation.

      • Ah, yes as if it hurts me somehow. He missed his kids graduation from college, granddaughters events and birthdays. Needy begets needy. Poor investment; no longer my problem.

        Four hundred a month on pot, one hundred on booze, two hundred on slot machines a month is her new improve life. Yeah, suck on that cunt.

    • Mine is the same! He wants me far away from the OW/girlfriend appliance as I may mess up his new narrative as the angry and vindictive X who keeps him from his kid and takes all his money. Ha, as if! I am always polite- I just don’t tolerate his shit. I am as NC as possible with a little one, and he is only on rage channel with me in person. It is frustrating as my kid just wants me to always give him his way in every situation. She tries to uphold the mantel of “don’t poke the bear” that I unfortunately taught her. It is hard to deal with an unreasonable bully. I SO want the buck to stop here:(
      Can you believe I finally got the paperwork proving he purchased life insurance (it only took 11 months post divorce) and he had to fill out a form from having a DUI in 2011…he wrote that his drinking was an isolated incidence due to his pending divorce (I filed in August, 2016????. 2011 I was pregnant (lost that pregnancy) and obviously unaware we were imminently divorcing;)

      • Same. My STBX rages if I even let on that I know who the OW is! I suspect that if I had a decent, nice long conversation with her, all of his narrative would be blown out of the water. I’ve had brief convos and it was clear that he has told her lies. Oh well, who cares? He’s her problem now.

      • Nejla

        “It is frustrating as my kid just wants me to always give him his way in every situation.”

        Seeing an adult tantrum like a toddler is disturbing for your kiddo. Modeling strength will go a very long way as your child passes dad’s level of maturity in a short time!

        • Thank you Doingme! I really needed that said to me! I worry so much that she will end up with an addict/personality disordered Cheater because of who I chose as her dad:(Having to “handle” those “tantrums” sucks for her and infuriates me.

          • Nejla… Stay strong. It’s important to notice and stop yourself from saying “I’m scared of what he will say and what he will do” when you confront or remind him what he hasn’t done, what he’s legally supposed to do, and what your boundaries are. It’s the shame he doesn’t want to feel that turns into anger.

            Recently, my ex kept pressing me about the whereabouts of household items (framing it as him doing me a favor and getting these things off my hands) and imploring about my engagement ring (if I’ve sold it, can he have it back, that he’d like our daughter to have it)
            I didn’t respond.
            On came more texts and calls. (while never bothering to answer his daughter’s text for 4 days)
            Doing me a favor was really about him wanting specific items. He had to know what I did with them. I answered him with “it’s none of your business what I do with my things”
            He tried to make it seem like I was being the ‘difficult’one. I will never give him the answer he wants to hear. He has to have his way. He’s entitled to it all.

            No way… Keep showing your daughter you don’t need to tiptoe around this grown man or walk on eggshells to avoid unsavory behavior. I will too!

            My ex knowingly lied and decieved his family day after day for months (about the affair) and for years (about drinking). He chose to do that. My daughter and I choose not to allow people like that in our lives.

    • I absolutely agree Doingme! The buck stops here. I have said that to my grown children and to anyone within ear shot. Almost same story line, too. Its amazing and disgusting how ageing narcs can get new and younger supply. But that won’t last. Narcula has aged like crazy since moving out to be with sparkletwat the yoga camp troll. I will say watching the judge at my support hearing catch him not once but three times lying was beyond gratifying. Yes, give them rope, stay strong to the truth and they will trip on that rope every time. Don’t piss off a faithful spouse. 😉

  • The only similarity the new supply provides is managing his image to keep him on the pedestal. Thankfully, it’s no longer my job. Aging narcs will always find new supply. Three and a half years later he moved her out of her comfort zone to the area his last victim lived.

    The new supply will have to have assets. He’s lazy.

  • I had this, “she’s really like you, just less angry all the time”. This was not the new girlfriend, just someone he worked with that he had “feelings” for. New girlfriend I haven’t met, but according to my kids she’s really like me (just fifteen years younger)

  • I remember hearing “you two are a lot alike” and literally rolling my eyes and walking away. I didn’t want to hear some half assed justification, leading to how we should all get to know each other, we should all go camping and sing Kumbaya around the campfire, all of us, all four adults and three children. Seriously The Flying Whore suggested this to Narkles at one point. Apparently we were so alike she wanted to get to know me. At this point I know that was a play by her to see me so she could unknowingly rub it in my face that she had one over on me. Of course Narkles the Clown couldn’t count on me to live up to all his lies about what a horrible person I was so it never happened but finding out she suggested it was mortifying.

  • This article describes my cheater to a T, every word, except the “we’re the same type” part. I love the “we’re alike because we’re united in wanting his awesomeness” part, I hadn’t thought of that but it’s so dead on.

    He literally envisioned, for a time, staying married to me, and that she would be hanging out at our house, at my kitchen table, passed off the to the kids as a family friend. You know, like Fonzie, always at the Cunningham’s. I suppose she and I could sit around and talk about how great he is.


    • I know exactly that was my ex husbands first slut!????????????????????????????????????

    • Struggling:
      I actually lived that, except I didn’t know.

      Can you imagine the amount of Kibbles these two cheaters had at my expense? I cooked fabulous meals, we all sat around at my dinner table with my kids, and sometimes her husband.


      • MightyAgain,

        Ugh that makes me sick to read that. Horrible people. So sorry that happened to you. Did you ever see the Prince of Tides? Dinner party, the wife has figured out one of the guests is her husbands AP. So the AP says to the wife “I can’t believe you let your son play football” and the wife says “I can’t believe you come to dinner at my house when everyone knows you’re fucking my husband”

        • Struggling:
          Thank you, yeah it fucked with my mind for a while. Him allowing her at my dinner table… that is worst than knowing they were fucking… for 3 years. The ultimate betrayal, and no they will never be my friends. My son also wants nothing to do with him, my daughter was too young to really see it yet. That’s ok.

          Oh I would of loved to have discovered it, while she was still coming to my house. But sadly, I was a true Chump, believed my husband would want nothing to do with a drunk, 2 feet taller than him, 20 years younger, white trash skank. They so deserve each other.

      • your post caused my stomach to hurt . an unconscience response .i don’t want to go there……, but you are mighty , to have come out on the other side , mighty ….indeed !.

    • Mine tried that route too, he would come back if he could keep her as a friend, with benefits I assume !!

  • My SIL texted that Skanky and I were “a lot alike.” To which I responded, “Doubt it; I would never fuck a married man or break up a family.”

    Crickets after that…

      • Yes, I can’t even fathom. A month after dday, he brought whore to our house when I was out of town. Told adult and teenage son to make themselves scarce.

        Cannot even imagine her ok ness with going to the home of fuckwit’s wife and five children on the sly to go out in our boat, get drunk and fuck. At her deposition, she said fuckwit told her I had mental illness. And that makes it ok Bitch? There is no rationale. I think she is the bad girl he always wanted.

        • During the day, my mother and I were fixing up his mother’s condo for her return after a debilitating stroke and lengthy stay in rehab. At night, while supposedly replacing the faucets, asshat and skank subordinate were screwing on his mother’s bed. I found the bed sheet in the trunk of his car.
          Friends with that? No effing way!

  • Chump Lady’s Braun needs to studied for the advancement of Human beings: where is the center for logical reasoning in the brain? Hers is super-developed like the area for navigation in London cab drivers.

    I got similar shit about flatter-fuck being a “good woman”, it fits motive #2; 30 years younger than cheater, FOUR kids from three different men, self-pity Christian. I can’t believe I married someone so damn stupid.

    And, of course, motive #3, ideal for cake, is applicable too.

  • KK (Jan Brady) has an older sister (Marcia Brady) who was thrown out by her ex when he found out she’d been cheating on him for 6 months. (I think that’s where Jan got the idea: “Marcia gets to have a husband and a fuckbuddy! Marcia, Marcia, MARCIA…!”)

    For whatever reason, Marcia and ex (Warren Mulaney?) are on excellent/fucked up terms, to the point that they still sometimes have group outings (all new signif others + kids) on the lake.

    I don’t know, and obviously dont care, but I can’t help but think that Jan looks at that situation with envy, and that everything would be so much better for her if it weren’t for her fucking asshole ex who’s not mature enough to be friendly — for the sake of the kids, of course.

    (Since I’m now someone that KK/Jan makes up things about to fuel her image, I guess you can just call me “George Glass.”)

    • Your fault! Your fault! It’s so much work to recast the role she needs you to assume, so sounds like she just wants you to sit back and take it. It’s crazy shit. I can’t think of too many people I love who I’d go on a lake trip with, no way am I go8ng with someone I never wanted to know in the first place. Smile for the picture! And, scene.

      • Yep, my lovely hubby thought it would be so appropriate to screw around with my cousin. Yup, my cousin. He was seeing her behind my back for several years. When I found out I was told that nothing went on between them. They never had sex. Just played pool with her once or twice. I know who’s balls were being played with. He continued to lie and deny even when I showed him hundreds of texts messages from them on our cell phone bill. His response there must of been something wrong with my phone. Asked him why he cheated and lied. His response was I wasn’t going away with him. I did not give him enough attention. I lied to him about a credit cards. Yup. all my fault. He cheats with my slut of a cousin and it is all my fault.

        • I feel your pain LOL. My ex-wife blew up my family by sleeping with my first cousin.

          And here I was thinking I was the only one that that happened to.

          A double betrayal.

          I haven’t seen my cousin wants since this all happened. He’s too chicken shit to show his face, and rightfully so.

          • Ill one-up all of you and raise the fuckery levels through the roof.

            My husband saw my sis only once through Skype, friended her on FB (since “we’re all family now”) and started stalking her. I knew something was up for some time, but he kept pulli9the wool over my eyes and i kept spackling. Then the potty got overturned. He admitted to “being aroused by her”. The situation imploded.
            He masturbated to my sister in our bed and on the couch while i was at work. He did same while he was away for work.
            He admitted to fucking me and imagining doing my sister at the same time. He said “i thought i could have you both!”. Yupp. A real winner, that one.

            • My ex slept with my sister. Years later after i was remarried to latest ex and 1 month after giving birth to m 1st child, she called because her therapist told her she needed to confront me. Confront ME???!!!!! Yep, you guessed it…both of them blamed the whole thing on me….I didn’t know about it, would have been horrified (still was horrified), and it would have hurt me beyond belief….but….it was MY FAULT and she needed to confront me. These people are seriously screwed up.

              • yes ~it’s that passive aggressive you took my toys / were mean to me / made me look bad so I had to get back at you but what kind of therapist encourages this kind of thinking?

          • Not saying the imaginary is worse in any way than the tangible d-in-p situation, just saying these disordered fucks don’t know where to draw the line when it comes to screwing around.

    • OMG!! I think X did the same thing! I never gave it much thought but his sister got divorced from a cheater, but she kept it pretty much a secret and gave the narrative of “we are just like good friends so we decided to get divorced.” Then she ended up having an affair with an old high school boyfriend before everything was final and they hadn’t even told the kids yet (still all pretending.) She even planned to have the guy move in soon after she was divorced. It didn’t work out, thank god for her kids sake. She had to keep that mostly a secret too. X thought this was so great and grownup! I remember having arguments with him…me: “that seems like a bad choice and she is lying to her kids and parents!” X:”the heart wants what the heart wants. What the kids don’t know won’t hurt them.”
      And that, my friends is called foreshadowing.

    • I love me a good George Glass reference UX!

      It must be so hard for Jan to live in the shadow of her older sister, Marcia. Poor little sad sausage middle child! We can’t possibly understand her anguish. I think it would be funny to send her a lovely black curly wig!

  • Yep, mine gave me these exact lines for every fuckbuddy he picked up during the “open marriage” debacle.
    “I just thought we could all be one big happy family.” (You thought wrong. Way wrong. Now gtfo.)
    “You’d like her, she’s just like you.” (No, not really. I don’t go for married men. Or any other men. Because I’m MARRIED.)
    “The kids like her!” (Newsflash, the kids are awesome kids and they like everyone you tell them is your “special friend”…because they love and trust you as their Dad, and Dad wouldn’t possibly lie to them, would he?)
    “You’d like them if you came to a group meeting! They’re regular folks!” (This about the group of swingers he joined in the first few weeks after DDay. I’m sure they are regular folks. Who have orgies every weekend and willingly accept your excuses for why you’re not coupled up like them and your wife refuses to “hang out on the regular” with them. I thought you said your wife was “cool with it?” Yeah, positively icy.)
    “She’s badass, just like you.” (Oh honey, you haven’t seen badass yet. But you’re about to. You will also see strong, savage, and sorry-not-sorry.)

    • You crack me up, VK! Love the sidebar/internal comments – priceless!! Thanks for the laugh this morning.

      • Most welcome. I find a little sarcastic humor helps me ease off on the rage churn I get into when remembering all the indignities and abuse he committed against me over the last ten years. Almost six months since the divorce and working hard on Meh!

    • Love this: “She’s badass, just like you.” (Oh honey, you haven’t seen badass yet. But you’re about to. You will also see strong, savage, and sorry-not-sorry.)

      Mr. Sparkles completely underestimated me on that front too. Divorce was final almost a year ago… and his rage at all he “lost” because I was a BITCH is still palpable. Fuckwits.

      • My divorce was almost six months ago and yep, mine blames me for him now being alone and friendless 800+ miles away. He blamed OW for the divorce.
        “If I had known she was gonna back out on leaving her primary boyfriend for me, moving in and sharing expenses with me, I would never have moved out and asked for a divorce. It’s all her fault my family is gone.”
        There are these things called choices, and making terrible ones causes other things called consequences to come bite you right in the ass. Otherwise known as Karma. And she’s even more badass than I am. I love her like a sister.

    • Vorpal – my husband said the same thing…’I thought we could have a really close four-some group of friends with benefits.’ He planned all of this without asking 2 of the 4 who supposedly would have been involved. Even today he says ‘but I thought it all would work out’. Dumbass. The price of sexual freedom is high 🙂

  • The wierd thing is, the emotional affair partner, basically me 25 years ago and who bailed when she realised what he wanted, COULD have been my friend if the husband hadn’t fucked it up for all three of us. She once told me ‘If I’d really known you, all this would never have happened.’ Or then again maybe I couldn’t be friends with someone who assumes so much about me and my marriage without really asking hard questions.

  • I can definitely agree on the “sister wives” bit – Rhys would oh so courteously let me be his “girlfriend for a day”, and Annie got the same when she was visiting. Supposedly, there was a third after us, but I never met her. She may not have even existed.

    (I know being part of a harem doesn’t necessarily make me a full blown chump, but I stick around because I recognize so many of these traits.)

  • Yeah, the Twat told me I would like the skank ‘cos she’s really nice!!! I don’t think so! But the funny thing is he liked women who wore sexy clothes and make-up and so on. I did that (not excessively) but I was always well presented. The skank – nah, not so much. To be honest even though she was 13 years younger than me she looked older and always looked like she was ready to go out milking! Anyway, one time I was sorting through some of my old clothes to give to a Moroccan friend when the Twat walked into the house, picked up the clothes and asked what I was doing with them. Told him I was giving them to F for the Moroccan community, so he said “oh, can I take them, skank would could do with a bit more style”? So I tore a blouse in two, handed it to him and said “Sure, help yourself. Would she like some of my underwear too?” You know, you can put lipstick on a pig but it’s still a pig.

    The Twat was so deluded (still is, just a new skank). In my little town they have the weekly market on a Thursday in the main square and on the Wednesday night they put signs up saying not to park in the main square (because of tomorrow’s market) or your car will get towed. One time the skank must have forgotten and her car was indeed towed, so the Twat (who no longer had a licence – drink driving so many times don’t you know) said “not to worry, I’ll get Attie to take you to the pound to pick your car up”!!!! As far as I know it’s still at the pound!

  • The day after the BIG Dday (which would have made it July 11, 2005) he said something like this to me while we watched our neighbors house burn down (somehow symbolic, Im sure) … it had a Jesusy spin on it (odd, OW is/was some eastern religion I can’t remember)

    Dday was fueled by me finding a letter he wrote her for her birthday and he said she was the most “Christlike” person he knew but during the house burning, he said he meant it about BOTH of us…well, intent that special?

  • I suspect I have met several of cheaters partners but being the nieve christian wife I was I passed off the odd behavour as being an issue with the other person not Cheater. WOW didn’t D’Day and hindsite bring some clarity.

    Yet when he got involved with another woman (whom he is now married to) he went out of his way to make any possability of a friendship between her and I impossible. And I often wondered why as I knew her before he did. I have since come to realise he does not want her and I talking as they would prevent him from repeating his patterns of abuse.

  • My ex triangulated me with someone for over 20 years sprinkled with others a lots of prostitutes. A few months prior to leaving he mentioned her again I went off. He looked at me and said,”you’d like her. You are both alike because neither of you like to have sex anymore.” Hence the other GF and prostitutes. At the time I was like WTF? The only thing we may have similar was the kids DNA. (Denial, denial, so I Still don’t know about that) I can laugh now at how ludicrous he was talking as he had lost everything and I was at fault.

    • “You are both alike because neither of you like to have sex anymore”. Gee wonder why ? Could it possibly be cheaters a lousy lover? Or a huge Asshole most of the time . I’m just amazed that these morons never stop to ask themselves well maybe this sex thing has something to do with how I treat her, or maybe she doesn’t like that I get it off and then jump out of bed to watch golf? Or stink of booze or cigarettes most of the time, or that they are just flat out lousy at it! Oh no, they are all Casanova’s and there just couldn’t be anything wrong with there WonderDick! Must be her and her and her!

  • Oh. I have SO MUCH to live up to. See, I really COULD be friends with his whore incubator turned whore wife, like she’s “friends” with her ex husband Mr. Milquetoast and his girlfriend who he (Mr.M) was fucking while helping his wife move in with my brand new ex husband. They all spent Independence Day together with MY two kids, and her 3 kids, like one big fake family and topped the day off watching fireworks from Mr. Milquetoast’s parents yard….

    See, if I was nicer and more cooperative, they might invite me to join a future fucktard -fest like that! But since I’m such a bitch for calling all those spades, exactly what they are, I will never be a part of their inner orgy circle.

    Tell me exactly WHY a relationship with their father is good for my children again?

    • Mine envisions us all joining her father’s Christmas meal, her fuckbuddy d’jour, me and my future SO, the kids. Making jokes having a good time as if I’d hang out with her fucking family if I wasn’t married into it. They suck. Dumb, self important, boring….their food sucks too. Nah, I’m good thanks.

  • I got “D’you know, if you’d met Susie Slutbag under different circumstances, you’d have really got on. she’s a lot like you, and she’s a very sensitive person”

    I said “Really?” because I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.

    Susie Slutbag was as dumb as a pile of rocks, as rough as a bdger’s @r$e, worked at a factory putting widgets in boxes and lived at home with her mother. She left school without any qualifications and had a face like a horse. Not only that, she was cheating on her boyfriend.

    I was degree educated, worked at a professional job, earned more money that Cheaterpants and had lived in my own flat since graduation (until I met him). I’m not saying I was an oilpainting but most people said I was “easy on the eye”. And, most important, I had sound morals.

    How he could say we were “alike” baffled me !

    • Now Jane, don’t beat around the bush. Say what you REALLY mean about Susie Slutpants! You shouldn’t be so tactful!

    • Suzy Slutbag is of course nothing like you just as the Cheaters Whore is nothing like me. But you have to wonder if they truly believe that their whores are just like us why are they hooking up with them. I mean pretty stupid to blow up everything in your life to ’cause they were so unhappy’ only go off to be with someone “just like you”. Further proof they are truly demented. Grateful, he’s out of my life! Not my circus, not my monkeys!

      • lyndaloo,

        ‘ I mean pretty stupid to blow up everything in your life to ’cause they were so unhappy’ only go off to be with someone “just like you”.’

        ^^^^ Exactly ! Their total lack of logic and their capacity for self delusion is what messes with your head.

        Let’s face it, they aren’t going to admit ( to themselves or anyone else) that all they got was the dregs. Any honourable, loyal, married woman or confident, intelligent single woman would have told them to “jog on”.

        These Schnoopies aren’t ‘special’, they were just ‘available’.

  • Oh, and on top of it, I don’t have him saying this shit to me, I’ve got him and her feeding this shit to my kids and triangulating them in the middle. Shit where whore wife tells my kid that all she wants is to “get along” and “forgiveness” and him sticking my kid in the middle when I have said one thing and my kid wants to do another.

    They’re such assholes.

  • The only thing xh admitted to me about his girlfriend (who was/was not his sex partner, tho they moved into an apartment together):
    “It is NOT HER that is researching you online. I know the caliber of woman she is. YOU are rude. I could NEVER stay with someone as rude as you!”. The tone was SO lofty and condescending.

    Cue my jaw hitting the floor. We were together 30 years.

    At least I found out I was not crazy. OW husband was the one researching me, triggering my Icloud to respond with adverts; “Someone is searching for you! Join this search engine to find out WHO!” He at least admitted it.

    • I have never seen a picture or know anything about OW. Never. She scrubbed the internet clean of her image, pre bomb drop, because she was “afraid” of discovery. They thought they planned the perfect scheme.
      I knew her approximate age and name. That’s it.
      I have a Specialists Degree, talented artist, funny, respected at work — and I can swing a paintbrush, sledgehammer or rewire a breaker box with the best of them. I think I’d be pretty hard competition to beat :)!!
      — — —
      XH was bragging to daughters that they would, someday, be glad that “He had finally found someone to LOVE!”. Cue their jaws dropping on the floor.

      Maybe I’m just lucky, not knowing the gory details that is. I feel a bit sorry for chumps who have that image to deal with. Chin up, Ladies and Gents. The adage that they “affair down” is pretty accurate from my personal point of view.

      Either way – it is an insult to compare you to a skeezy cheater.

      • OM n+1 (n represents the number of unknown affairs) scrubbed the internet too when he moved from his home (well foreclosed, evicted then moved) because the lovebugs rekindled their grandpa granddaughter relationship during reconciliation. Dumbass left the rental agreement for his new apartment in daddy issue’s car though, so that was easier. The fact he went underground though was the first tip off they started back up though. Normal people have digital footprints. People don’t usually just disappear and functional people at least have LinkedIn and property after a certain age.

    • My cheater and STBXH was so pissed that I researched who his whore was. She had such a huge digital footprint it wasn’t hard to find out everything about her…and her husband. There is no shame in wanting to know EXACTLY who your husband is financially supporting and banging. I have a binder of data I collected on those two fuckers. Anything from purchases, hotel reservations to bank statements, I have it all. I revel in the fact that he is such a sloppy cheater.

    • this drivel. Not his drivel. Dammit. Can’t type worth a crap on this tiny phone screen.

    • MissDeltaGirl 🙂

      I heard that one as well! I almost hurled…Terry handled that nasty goo with major class!!!! 😀 I love Terry Gross! She is always a class act like our beloved Tracy!!!

      …I was trying to figure out how to ask Tracy and Terry to have a sit down 🙂

      I did love the way Terry ‘handled’ that nasty creature 😀

      Tracy 🙂 If you would want that to happen…can we, CN, approach Terry?

  • This was the conversation that made me realize there was no hope of wreckonciliation:

    HER: I think it would be wonderful if OM came with us on this exotic trip we’ve been planning for months to take with your family. We would all have such a great time together!

    ME: … we’ve been planning that trip because it’s our milestone wedding anniversary.

    HER (with unfeigned puzzlement): What difference does that make?

    • OMFG. What a C. I hope you uninvited her as well and enjoyed your time with YOUR family.

    • She wanted to celebrate the anniversary with a threesome? Can’t make this up….

    • Did you know she was cheating before she made that statement?

      Mine floated the idea of her getting her massages at our house with massage therapist who ended up being the AP. I still don’t know if she was cheating at that point in the game.

      • Yes, she did—this was how she thought she would be able to show me that we could all three be one big happy family.

  • My cheater pants knows I’ll never be friends with the whore…because we were. So he had the extra special dose of kibbles with watching his wife and whore interact on a daily basis for a very long time.

      • Yeppers….Ditto that. They obviously ‘get off’ on that big time

        WhoreNiece lived in my house. I cooked for her. Cared for her. Watched her children….

        Sickos all…..

        So good to be free as we all ForgeOn!

  • This topic hits home. As you can tell from my screen name, I. Shut. That. Shit. Down.

    Still amazed at the entitlement Wanks had thinking I would want to remain friends with him or any of his skanks.

    • My STBXW is sad that I’m not her friend. I’m civil, I can and will do that for my kids, but I can’t be her pal. I used to be. She really was my best friend. I put everything into our family, and she crapped all over it. How friendly was that? The funny thing is that she would dump friends without batting an eye if they did anything that bothered her. She would say she didn’t have time for toxic people. WTF?!!

      • I made the error last night of looking back at photos of the beginning of our relationship- we were friends. I did so much to help her over the years.

        Mine uses people and then discards them when they no longer amuse them (like she did to me). As I saw her how she was with other women over our 17 years I should have known what she was going to.

        • Zell, shred those pictures! Stop torturing yourself! Looking back at what you thought you had, isn’t helpful and keeps you stuck in the past. C’mon man, just stop doing it to yourself. Your a great guy and you have a whole new life waiting for you. Get out there and start living it! Hugs!

  • After DD, OW dumped him and then he moved onto wifey #4. She immediately posted on FB that she was the girl’s real mom…two years later she slapped my oldest and shook my youngest which necessitated GALs and attorney fees and a 2 year restraining order…that ended last year and she has been reasonably well behaved since then (that is she only emotionally abuses and neglects them)

    Bc she drags my 2 girls to every piddly event that her 16 year old and their 3 year old does, I texted my ex she should go to some of their extracurricular activities. go to a soccer game or music recital…focus a bit on them.

    The spin on CL’s topic was this…she carefully explained to my kiddos that she can’t possibly go bc I stalk her at these events and want to be her best friend…which is inappropiate.

    Because I dream,of being besties with a woman who slapped my kid.

    Delusionally funny. First she hasn’t been at an event since hitting my oldest…but honestly the behaviors she engaged in did not make “best friend” feelings bubble up. Other feelings bubble. They involve breaking her bones and I consider myself saintlike for not acting on them.

    He stirs the pot.

    If he can’t have cake, a good spam substitute will do him.

  • My ex was putting me down to her and her down to me.

    To OW: You would be a good friend to her. She’s overweight and could use your (bulimic) good habits as inspiration.

    To me: You would be a good friend to her. She’s a pretty lonely person. And did I mention that she has small tits?

    It was his warped way of trying to make each of us feel we were winning the Pick Me Dance — so we would both keep dancing and serving him kibbles. Totally fucked up.

  • Reading some of the posts have made me laugh. The, “we can all be friends” is a shit situation and a whole lot of fucked up.
    Recently the ex-husband of a friend of mine with this mindset helped his mate move out of the marital home after the marriage ended, using the same hire truck the mate then helped my friends ex-husband to move into the home he just left. Yes, he left he ended his marriage with my friend for the mate’s wife and the mate was ok with it. This new living arrangement lasted 20 days. At which point the mate helped him move back out again joking ” I lasted 20 years, You only lasted twenty days. My friend’s ex-husband and this other ex-friend of ours are still “together” despite not being able to live together. and the weirdest thing, when the mate recently got remarried my friend’s ex-husband was a little offended that he was not going to be the best man. The mate had to actually explain to him that he would not be getting an invite to the wedding as he was with guys ex-wife.
    No, you cannot make this shit up.
    This same ex-husband stood as a groomsman at my cheaters wedding claiming to anyone that asked that cheater was no longer gay because he had found a really nice lady to marry, and did not consider it odd that cheater bought underware for all the groomsmen for the day.

    • Thankful,

      Sounds like your wasband was on the down low or bisexual. Here’s to being fuckwit free in 2018 !

  • I got the run down the of giddy excitement about Barbie the stripper. I heard about her amazing sexual talents, her hopes and dreams, what a wonderful person she was, and of course how much fun I would have hanging out with her, if only I weren’t so boring! “Hey even though you haven’t asked, I’m going to sit here and tell you all about the glory that is my affair.” It’s like they have no awarness that they are strangling the life out of you, and when you beg them to stop, they look at you perplexed like they have no idea what you are so upset about.

    I liken it to the scene in the movie split – at the end when the main character has one lucid moment where he realizes, he’s the one that has left the therapist stabbed on the floor. Then he immediately turns into another character because there is “no way he could be that monster.”

  • My ex went the opposite direction and blamed EVERYTHING on OW. After she revealed their secret affair, he said the most hideously unkind and abusive things about her.

    During the divorce process (and my 3rd trimester), OW (a divorce Attorney 15 years older than me) named herself as a witness in our divorce. She would pitch fits and send me messages about how she was “so sick and tired of being denied about and lied about”.

    About 2 times over the course of the divorce, she made my ex send me messages saying somewhat warm things about her (rather than vile, cruel things). He “screen shot” those messages like a good little boy and sent them to OW. OW then IMMEDIATELY “screen shot” the screen shots and sent them to me! Talk about triangulation! I had to block both of them.

    P.S. What OW doesn’t know is immediately above and below those “screen shots” he was hitting on me and trying to come home. I am so relieved to be away from their sickness.

  • I got the “he’s a lot like you” comment too. I wondered to myself, in the middle of dancing like an idiot, “If he’s so much like me, then why are you telling me I’m not good enough to be with you?” My immediate response was, however, “No, he isn’t. I don’t mess around on my wife with another man’s wife.” The jackass knew me and my three kids and felt that messing around with my wife was a great idea. Nope, that shit ain’t me.

  • Yeah, x tried this line on me, too. He also wanted me to talk to her so she could explain that nothing happened in that hotel room.

    After a little while he wanted her to be allowed in our house for a board gaming party. He seemed shocked when I told that if that c**t set foot in my house, there would be a scene such as he would never forget. ‘But she really likes board games…”. Really? I made the mistake of thinking he was just thick at this stage of our wreckoncikiation.

    Then he got the sadz because they had things in common, innocent things, that he couldn’t really talk about with other people. All he wanted was a friend. It was so hard for him.

    I’m glad I at least made my boundaries clear — no contact — but I didn’t do such a good job at that point of noticing how he constantly evaded and chipped away at them, and how little in general I had to work with.

  • RE: #3. I showed a CL friend the picture of gradwhore and she remarked that she looked like she would be my daughter. Is that not creepy?

  • Like CL posted, it seems like it is all part of the mental gymnastics the cheater is doing in an effort to make what they are up to less devastating to their partner and kids if there are any. This way they can feel a little less guilty about causing such chaos. It’s funny though, if chumps are so bad that you need to blow the whole damn family up, why the hell would you want to be with someone who is “just like you”?

  • Time and again, I am amazed by the utter LACK of originality with these cheating fuckwits. Truly, it’s mindnumbing.

    Mr. Sparkles remarked, she’s just like you… she was an English Major (except she has her Masters)… and she likes to play Scrabble (of course, I still beat her at it like I did you). You’d like her.

    For sure, that utterance was one of my What. The. Fuck. moments of lucid clarity that I was dealing with a Cluster B personality disordered bisexual pathological lying whore.

    Of course, she is gone now. Like me, she didn’t like him having personal ads online trolling for women/couples/groups. 🙂

  • For the first Christmas after my dad left my mom (to be with his OW), OW bought my mom some decorative soaps and sent a note saying they hoped they could be cordial.

    I’ve never seen my mom so close to eating a piece of paper in rage.

    • Wow! I can be civil with my STBXW, but the idea of having anything at all with the OM makes me lose any sense of composure. The guy is a piece of sh** as far as I’m concerned. At least the guy is smart enough to not try to have anything to do with me. He hasn’t been introduced to the kids yet. I don’t think it will go well. I’m sure my STBX will try to tell them that they started dating after the separation, but this guy was around before. My kids aren’t stupid. Might just be a shitstorm. Better wear a raincoat!

  • Yeah…NO. I have a hard time being friends with people who are okay with a guy walking out on his wife while she is going through cancer treatments. If you are able to overlook that character flaw and think he is a nice guy, then I don’t think you have much character yourself and therefore would not want to be your friend.

  • I never got this line from CheaterX. But then, I didn’t tell CheaterX I knew of the affair until I had lined up my ducks and was filing.

    On the other hand, CheaterX’s father, also a cheater, told his wife something similar.

    My late MiL spotted OW in the driveway of their home. I have no idea why OW was there. Maybe late Cheater Late FiL thought it was a good idea? Anyway, late MiL drove off OW in a fury, calling her a whore and worse. Cheater Late FiL was upset with his wife, telling her that OW was a good, church-going Christian woman, and that if she ever really met the OW, she’d like her, too.

    The whole disconnect between good church-going Christian women and women who screw other people’s husbands never blipped on the irony meter.

    Also, for what it’s worth, the word from people who’ve run into CheaterX post-divorce is that he’s now very into religion. Yep, he’s a Jesus Cheater on top of everything else.

  • I got the ‘You’d like the OW’ from my husband (now ex-husband). OW was a DUI-earning (twice) former psychotherapist who was in the habit of having affairs with married men (while on tour buses). My husband planned to impregnate her while he was married to me. OW later changed her mind and told my husband to get a vasectomy. I had no idea for months until my husband shared this information.

    Don’t know if lying ex-boyfriend, who I thought was my friend for decades, who I wanted to marry, would think that my replacement and I would be friends, but he seems to worship my replacement and probably thinks that I would admire her, too, if she hadn’t taken my coveted spot as his partner. (I did a good job boosting his ego, so he seemed to start thinking soon after we started dating that he was God’s gift to women, never mind the middle-aged gut he was sporting.) Before he was sure that he could get her to commit to him, he told me that I could ‘stick around (him)’ if I didn’t expect any ‘lovey dovey’ (romance), or accepted a demotion from Friends with Benefits to Booty Call of Last Resort. Once he realized that he could win her, he kicked me to the curb. (My replacement looks a lot like me but is almost a decade my junior, childless (unburdened by kids), an engineer ($$$) who works at his company (professional common interest and convenient–can seem him 24/7 as she is six feet away at work as opposed to six miles away).

    Like Got-a-Brain’s ex, my exes have enjoyed bragging to me about my replacements. (My picker has been broken for a long time.) I hope that my nausea and the feeling of my body being repeatedly run over by a bus for four months (since the discard by ex-boyfriend) will soon go away. Over 50, I do not feel hopeful (devastated by being chumped (again), worried about job security, very concerned about my child with special needs not thriving in school, etc.). Feeling physically and emotionally ill non-stop for months makes ‘getting a life’ really difficult.

    Have any veteran chumps felt this way–constantly sick to the stomach, shaky, etc. but lived to see happier, more comfortable days?Could use some inspirational stories!

    • Sounds like you still need to detox from the previous relationships. That’s the stage that I am at right now. I don’t know if I have an inspirational story yet, I’m just trying to rebuild my life at this point and get back to the new normal. Working on health issues, and just taking life day by day. I plan to think about starting dating, possibly, next year, maybe. 🙂

      • Zell,

        I feel your pain. Lost a bunch of friends who I met through my lying ex-boyfriend. (30 years’ worth). When I held out the olive branch to my ex–boyfriend the first time he left me, he told me that I could make new friends by attending MeetUps, nice guy this one. (sarcasm). On our first four month break he instigated, he could not get any prospective dates to get involved with him. Hence, he returned to me. (I made reconciliation way too easy, unwittingly communicating that I would tolerate crap.) Fast forward 14 months, my boyfriend//’friend’ dumps me again but this time finds a woman (at his company) who will get involved with him.
        Hope you feel better and Meh soon, Zell.

      • Sunny,

        It sounds as though you have a plan that will help you moe in a healthy, happy direction.

        wish that there were a detox that could rid one of all the figurative poisons that I feel have amassed in my stomach since my breakup.

        I am tryouts f to determine the meaning of (my) life as I think that having a purpose would keep me going after divorce, breakup as well as death and disability of a few people in my family this year.

        I feel like a barely functioning robot, a shell of my former self of just four months ago who was happy overall and excited about the future. Now I feel as though I am the barely walking dead who will just ‘exist’ like a unicellular creature, devoid of thought and feeling for the rest of my life.

        • You’re still in the first stages of shock. I wish you were in Colorado so you could come to our Chump Nation brunches & support sessions. We would give you big hugs! Are there a bunch of chumps near you? I rely on my fellow chumps to see what I can’t & vice versa. It’s helpful to start a support group with chumps – few other people can understand what you’ve been through. <3

  • I didn’t get the “you two are so much alike, you would like each other” shit. I got a laundry list of reasons why she was a better “partner” for him…she could travel any time of the year (I have a job), she understood his ‘demanding’ career (I supported that career for 30 years), she needed to be saved from her fucked-up family (my family is relatively normal), and other reasons I can’t even remember anymore.

    I am typically a very kind person. But the hate that burns for Owife and xhole would preclude friendship with either of those fuckers. *no Christmas spirit feelings for them*

    • One Step,

      I got compared (negatively contrasted), too. From husband it was, ‘She (OW) gives me sex umpteen times per week. Now agree in writing to hand over all our assets if you divorce me.’

      From boyfriend, complaint was, ‘You don’t have enough time to travel.’ He had less than a month per year and had/has a very busy schedule as an executive. I was a teacher with 13 weeks of vacation/year…My replacement has only a few weeks/year of vacation, but I guess it doesn’t matter when you are only a few desks away from your lover virtually every day. Yep, I’m jealous and envious.

  • My ex although quite an idiot never had the nerve to say anything so stupid to me. It was her soon to be ex (her second husband) who after telling me that she had also cheated on her first husband said “Joy’s not a bad person”. I then informed him that anyone who had cheated in 2 marriages, was having an affair with a man who had been married 37 years and was 18 years older than her was in fact a horrible person and a special place in hell awaited her. You can imagine the fun I have had at this time of year finding all the Christmas decorations with her name on them. The greatest fun was when I was at a friend’s house yesterday and we realized that she had a decoration with her name hanging over her door. Luckily, she had a large firepit. That sucker went up in flames so fast. What a glorious sight!!!!!

  • Skankawhorus texted me that we could have been friends, but I was too weird. Yep. I am weird about sharing.

  • My ex did say that OW and I were very much alike. He also said that she and I could be friends. He said that I would like her.

    We do indeed have some similarities. More than I even like to admit. However, there are MANY differences and they are HUGE. And what I really don’t understand is the way my ex (and probably many ex’s) go for the same type. I mean, if I wasn’t doing IT for him anymore……why go find someone so similar to what he already had? No!………I don’t want to be her friend. NO!……I don’t like her.

  • I got “you should feel sorry for her, her marriage is crap and her husband doesnt give a shit”, i replied “oh so it was a pity fuck? Youre such a caring person, well done you!”

    • Rae44,
      When my STBX-hole threw me off his trail a year or 2 ago (after I found a large floral bill, but received no flowers) he told me that the skank who worked for him had “an asshole husband.” On Dday, i told him she & i had that in common, too. Ugh.. She does vaguely resemble me from 20 years ago, but once she opens that country skank mouth of hers, any similarity disappears.
      And I am NOT replaceable. But fuckwit totally IS. And I don’t want more of THAT ever again.

  • Dday
    Cheater wife: “nothing is going on you’re crazy to be thinking this, not trusting me. ”
    Me: “oh so I can meet him and talk to him”
    Cheater wife: “sure and you’ll see nothing is going on”

    15 minutes later after finally admitting to affair- (I wore her down with questioning)

    Me: “so were you really going to humiliate me by having me meet and shake this kid’s hand and talking to him?”
    Cheater wife: ” I would have done anything to keep it a secret and get away with it. I didn’t care if you were humiliated.”

    1 day later

    Cheater wife: “he (AP) reminded me so much of you !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

    • ChumpAsItIs,

      I really. just. don’t. get. that. How can two people be so cruel? Nobody deserves even half of that! I don’t get people. I pray for love and big time karma for you. (((Hug)))

    • PreyingMantis did this to me, not just with [formerly] good friends of mine, but also with my oldest (special needs) daughter. They just celebrated their “Friendiversary” on FB. It made me sick to my stomach. Predators are all like this. They revel in the sheer filth of it all.

  • CFMD is a “wonderful woman”. I can’t tell you how many times I have heard that phrase describing her to either me or our kids. A wonderful woman.

    A wonderful woman who lost her not just custody but all access to her daughter in her divorce because CFMD physically and emotionally abused the little girl so badly.

    A wonderful woman who was going through her own divorce because her husband cheated on her ….. so needed my husbands dick to cry on.

    And the best of all….my ex told me when I found out about her abuse of her daughter “CFMD is a wonderful woman, she has NEVER hurt anyone in our family!” To which I replied with her text to my husband on dday “JUST DO IT, Fucktard”

    And of course I was his ‘best friend’. But even on dday I was thinking….you aren’t my best friend, asshole.

    I don’t know. It is just crazy what they think, how they can loop logic to suit their needs.

    I do know that “wonderful woman’ is as banal as compliment as it gets, especially since it hasn’t changed in the almost two years since dday.

    In the end, he won his prize and she won hers.

  • So good old N+1 was originally a one night thing when I found out there had been another. And no, of course he was never in our home. That would be disrespectful. Until of course he was, and I gave him money, and lent him my car, and fed him (No, I didn’t know).
    Anyway, when I first spoke to dickhead, she kept asking-so what do you think.of him? He’s nice Right?
    When I finally found out he was n+1 It made me sick.
    Part of me isn’t surprised though. What I find even more obscene is him. What guy goes to the house of the man whose wife he’s fucking? That is some fucked up shit.

    • He’s lucky the husband didn’t beat the stuffing out of him (or worse)…can understand a crime of passion but who wants to go prison because a cheater/narc pulled a fast one on you ? Not worth it

    • My cheater did. In the emails her husband sent me after his letter, I saw how Goofy would make jokes about it. Sex in their marital bed. For nine years. I am so ashamed to have been associated so long with such a moral Cretan.

  • I never got the “you’d really like her” line because she was my friend already and I did like her. 🙁 And when it all came out I lost three friends over it – one the OW and the other two who sided with the OW (really?).

  • My ex cheater wife and said all of these things to me, that me and her AP are so much alike, in common and would get along great if I was willing to let us all be friends.

    She was very right in terms of me and the AP having some things in common. Four example, my mom and his mom were sisters. Yup, that’s right, my ex banged my first cousin and destroyed a 20+ year family.

  • I was told after we seperated (affair #2 in 10 yrs) that we’d have to be friends eventually. I said I don’t HAVE to be friends with anyone I don’t want – esp someone who fucked my BF (of 20+ yrs). Crickets… and he also wondered why she wasn’t invited to our daughter’s college graduation this spring! WTF- just b/c I bought you out of the house and we are no longer together, everything is normal now? Fucking complete idiots!! I will say I have had some karma though. She is so worried about me and him getting back together b/c we have history and I have gone to his place to visit my “in laws” when they are up. I told her she has to live with that not me, she was the one who inserted herself. NOT my problem (not that I would ever touch him with a 2 foot pole- but hey it makes her wonder- LOL) Stupid people!

  • Oh yep, forgot, he told me she was “better” than me.
    1) She owns her house (reality: she owns it with her Mommy who still lives there) and duh we owned OUR house!
    2) She has a good job (reality: we work for the same type of business and she makes like $4K more then me but no secured position)
    3) She gave him butterflies (reality: AKA no kids, no responsibility)

  • Just before my XH left to go live with Slunty McFuckface, said how he was hoping we could be friends. The divorce was final and he thought now it would be a good idea for us to be friends. The night before, mind you, I had had our daughter’s graduation, a huge party and he was only invited like a guest. All the kids were there and he wanted to come over early and ‘help’. And I had had a pre graduation party the night before that as a trial run and didn’t invite him at all. Image management, ya think. So the day after, he insists we meet in person and says, I would like for us to be friends. You have been my best friend forever. Five years before I might have fallen for this shit, but the new Ring’n knew about kibbles, about him trying to wheedle Slunty into my life so he and she could do the ‘happy family thing.’ Well, I shut that shit right down. Nope, do not want to be friends with you at all. And more importantly, I did not want my children exposed to a person of Slunty’s character. They are grown but toxic is toxic. So no fuck no, bye Felicia.

    And I told my kids that there were only three times in my life where I expected to be in his company. DD20’s college graduation, DD20’s wedding and DS wedding. Other than that speak to the hand.

  • Reading the mindless drivel spouted by idiot cheaters above reminds me why I am so grateful that my now ex wife had an affair. They really are such deluded self-centred fuckwits and it’s only when they are in your rear view mirror you realise that you weren’t in a relationship with an adult, but in my case a spoilt demented child in a fully grown woman’s body.

    Leave the cheaters to it, they thoroughly deserve each other. My ex’s true love is just so right for her that they’ve got together and broken up 15 times in as many months. Her teenage daughters are more mature than she is than goodness.

    Anyway, rant over. Chumps everywhere, kick your fuckwit to the kerb and your life will be better.

  • My X tried this with my daughters, 20&16. Said about new GF you’d really like her if you met her. Well at 26 suppose she’s nearer to their age than his

  • Thank you CL and friends. I may only be 4 months in from D-day, but reading from the stories here has almost been like reading a movie script, except it’s for my life. I cannot believe how many things my cheater has done and said that are word for word identical to other peoples experiences. It makes me feel less alone, but also so much better prepared to deal with my asshole, and what’s coming next. In fact there have been a few times he’s tried talking to me and now I just giggle as he says the next new thing that I have already heard here first.

    • Barely_a_wake,
      Welcome, from another member of Chump Class of 2017. I’m 6 1/2 months post Dday(#3, I’m embarrassed to say). It gets better every single day. You are among a wiser, nobler tribe now. Soon you will wonder how you could have stayed so long with such a fuckwit. They are exceedingly unoriginal: the very antithesis of the unique, sparkly turds they see in their everpresent mirrors! There ARE scripts. I didn’t want to believe it, but you can check out the adultery sub-reddits and read for yourself. It’s nauseating, but true. Enjoy your laughter, it’s probably killing him.

      I had to see STBX today to transfer utilities to my name (ugh!), and broke NC to talk briefly about kids (DD14 & DS21, who became engaged last week). X is sadz sausage, wanting his “best friend back”. Me? F*#! that! No friend would ever trest me like he has. No thanks.

      With each new day, farther away from the mirage I had been living before I knew and the atom bomb of discovery & grieving once I did, I grow closer to being my authentic, unencumbered self, FULL of possibility & expectancy of new life I couldn’t have imagined 7 months ago. I think I can even start to see I’m grateful for this nightmare because of the freedom I am now finding. Welcome, sister, to our tribe who GETS IT. Most who haven’t walked this minefield don’t know, but we do. And we’ll help you walk through it.

  • Friends with a hoe who fucked my husband behind my back? Who would do that? That’s absurd. Anyone who thinks they are acting “mature” by befriending the OW/OM- is a fool.

    It’s unthinkable that any ex would even ask a chump to befriend his/her fuck buddy. What the fuck is wrong with people!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • My X told me that he wanted me to be godmother to the children he and the OW planned to have. ‘I couldn’t think of anyone better.’

  • I didn’t realize this was a thing because it did happen to me personally. I did have a friend in one of my support groups mention this. They were both in their seventies and he suggested they all live together. Totally sugessted a sister wife situation. They’re Methodists not polygamists. She was so hurt . I was mad for her. Some freaks have some communal fantasy where they catered to and adored while we share the workload.

  • My ex told me,” She (the mistress, who will be his wife one day) is good to our teen daughter”. Like that is suppose to make me like her!

    I hate them both! It is just easier that way.

    The interesting part is the mistress seems to be the complete opposite of me. What does that say? (slap in the face maybe?)

  • This post is weird for me because LadyLiar picked a replacement that (at least on the surface) IS a lot like me! Her version was, “She’s a lot like you WHEN I MET YOU but before you changed.” I changed because I got anxious, depressed, emotionally paralyzed as LadyLiar leached the last bit of energy out of me with her addictions, lies, double life, etc.

  • My mum, Dad and the OW are friends. My dad jokes about his two wives all the time if there together. He was seperated from my mum for about 12 years and only divorced her so he could marry the OW.
    I believe this is partly what brought me to be a chump. I also found out today that my brother cheated on his girlfriend last night. Modelling this sort of friendly thing really sends the wrong message to people. My dad has had no consequences for his cheating and him and OW are very good at justifying their m and others bad behaviour.

  • Ex didn’t suggest that we become friends now but he did suggest that someday we would become friends in the old folks home, compare notes and find out what was really going on. No thanks. I’ll pass. By that time I hope to be long since at meh and I will no longer care what was going on.

  • I got the ‘ we can be friends’ thing too. My reply: “You were never my friend IN the marriage….you damn sure won’t be my friend after crapping on me all these years and destroying my family……friends don’t treat friends the way you treated your own wife….).

  • I apologize, it’s been said over and over again, but it shocks the ever-loving hell out of me how these cheating-liars read from the same script.
    It’s all about “writing” their IDEAL autobiography… “See what a wonderful person I am?”
    I still ‘love’ you, and someday we can all spend the holidays together!
    It’s been 2.5 months since D-day, and I seriously feel like multiple people living in the same body, crying one minute, so angry the next. Everything I once enjoyed I can’t stand.
    True friendship is based on TRUST… Do they THINK before they spew this nonsense?!?!
    Thank you CL, this blog means so much (to my peice of mind/sanity, its impossible to thank you enough.

    • Shell shocked chump,
      I was feeling those same feelings-in-a-blender feelings a few months ago. It gets better. Reading CL & practicing NC are my daily bread. Staying angry has helped me get to filing, not being shy about asking for whatever i want, staying strong for myself. I don’t need to “shoot daggers” at x to keep him at bay anymore, but the temperature doesn’t warm a degree when I’m around him. He forfeited all that with every thong & vibrator he gifted his schmoopie with. How juvenile! Nope, he’s not my friend. Nor would his skanky MOW ever be. F them both. I live in peace now.

      • Yes, I’m noticing, each time we make contact it screws with my head and puts me in a bad place. The longer I have no contact, the better.
        Living in fear of the day I run into them around town.
        I just want this over and done – I’m so exhausted.

        • It’s hard to say “welcome” to the new people here, because, of course, we wish you didn’t have to come here. Since my life imploded, I’ve been very isolated, and when things have been really dark, I’ve turned back to this site and hung on for dear life. Since you are living the life that we have all lived that brought us here, I’m glad you at least found us. I’m thankful that we have a place to go. I am so grateful for this blog, and it has played a huge part in my recovery. I was fortunate that my daughters were 18+ when I finally made LadyLiar leave our home, and they both drive, so they can visit her if they choose and if she makes time for them. I went minimal contact right away (practical matters only), and no contact as soon as the business of destroying our family was over. It was very hard, but essential for my recovery. Get as much rest as possible, and don’t ever feel guilty for engaging in self care. Coming out of this a whole, healthy person is like battling a severe illness. It DOES get better. ((hugs))

          • The isolation is devastating. Never lived so much inside my own head, if that makes sense…
            Trying to figure out where I took the wrong turn (pointless, I know), what I need to do now (list seems endless), what my future will be (keep on comparing to what I thought it would be), it’s all so overwhelming.
            My mind doesn’t stop whirling – sleep is something I used to take for granted, now considering getting some kind of help there.
            Nearly 27 years, just tossed away like trash because “he’s been unhappy for a long time now”…??? Ummm, thanks for letting me know… now. WTH?!
            UGH! Here I go again. Just want to escape inside a good book, but ability to focus has gone to hell.
            Thank you CurlyChump, ((hugs)) are EVERYTHING

  • Mine didn’t want us to be friends, heck he said he didn’t even want to be with her… he just wanted to sleep with her. He made fun of her and her co-workers to me because they were beneath him and then I find out she’s beneath him alright!! He knew better than to ask me to be friends with a woman who would send photos of her holding herself open (if you know what I mean) to a married man! What kind of woman does that? Especially with a young child and the fact that once those photos are sent you no longer have control over them. Ugh! I just don’t get it.

    • Same! Told me he thought she should use the service entrance instead of the main door of the hotel, she was so embarrassing to be with. She wasn’t up to his standards of education, morals, appearance. But she worked beneath him, on speed dial. So nice.

  • I had the opposite experience. He told me that OW was completely my opposite. No education, no job, reliant on him for everything, comes from a disadvantaged background, 25 years younger , takes care of herself. He said the only similarity is that she is also big like me, and that he obviously has a thing for bigger girls! Then he went on to ask me why I do not have beautiful long nails and why I dont wear more make -up!!! I guess the other thing we have in common is that we are both profesionals – only mine comes from 8 years university and many yeers of hard work to build a career.

  • I was told by a friend ” well you married him and were together 23 years so he is not all bad”. Followed by ” Un-happy people have affairs, if they are happy there are no affairs”. Right.
    I replied ” I married who I thought he was, I lived with who I thought he was, fact is he was leading a double life I knew nothing about”. I believe I learnt the tip of the iceberg wrt his ” issues”.
    These attitudes are the ones which create the myth of ” be nice, its better for the children, be tolerant”.
    It also adds to the myth that the other woman is also a ” nice” person.
    Even my youngest son said ” she hasn’t done anything to me”.
    er? Ruined your family??
    The depressing thing i now see wrt my kids is that they just cherry pick the things they like wrt their father, and happily ignore the rest. My family life, and infact me really, is the collateral damage.
    They don’t seem to feel as I do, although as they get older they are beginning to get it as they have relationships of their own.

    • 1) that “Friend” isn’t a friend. They need to support you, not blame you.
      2) Affairs come from a sense of entitlement, not lack of happiness.
      3) If your cheater was that unhappy, he should have done the honorable thing and divorced you BEFORE exposing you to God-knows-what social disease.

      Mine has the chutzpah to blame our daughter for his “sticking-with-it-in-spite-of-his-unhappiness”, on which I called bullshit. He was PLENTY happy. He had me for “maintenance sex” 3 times a week, and her for weekend fuckfests when he was on so-called “business” trips. And then there were the hookers and Craigslist skanks.

      He also believed I could continue to be friends with the OW after DDay. He. Honestly. Thought. That. What a complete idiot. I’ve had just enough contact with her since to ream her a new asshole (in case he wants to fuck it), and to let her know she had been exposed to HPV after my last pap came back positive.

  • Friends? Don’t think so. I do not sleep with my boss, I don’t break up people’s marriages (she broke up two), I am smarter, prettier and more accomplished. I was a great wife who “propped” him up to look way more successful than he really was. I am also a great mom having raised two VERY successful men, while one of her sons is currently incarcerated! I guess that being a mom took second priority to the stunts she pulled in the front seat of he XC90.

    Certainly not the kind of friend that I want. But, they do deserve each other.

  • This weird comparison shit is A Thing for sure. My STBXH compared me, a lady, to his **MALE** AP. We both like the same kind of music. Our personalities are really similar. Barf!

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