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And The Cheater Freak Winner Is…

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You guys made this really hard. I apologize for how long it took me to wade through 627 comments to find the Freakiest X-mas Cheater Freak, and dear God people, I need a shower. Or to be dipped in antiseptic like cattle. The depravity! The crumpled cum kleenex! The bad gifts! You ALL deserve gifts for surviving such idiocy.

Come on, Tracy, who gets the audio book? 

Okay, okay… but I’m not DRAWING THIS, understand? My imagination has limits.

The winner is….

David2016 for the winning combination of the ex-wife who claimed the semen in her underwear was vaginal discharge PLUS the consolation gift of a slice of deep-dish Chicago-style pizza.

While on a trip to Chicago to interview for an important new job that would “help our family,” XW sent erotic pics to OM from her hotel room.

She did not get the job because she was late for the interview and was dressed inappropriately.

She brought me back a slice of deep-dish pizza.

AND

She insisted that the semen I found in her underwear was “vaginal discharge.”

I’ll accept my prize now.

It has everything. Absurdity. Humiliation. And a very big ICK factor. There is no marriage policing like the marriage policing of inspecting underwear. David, I hand you the chump prize. Many folded in the face of your cheating wife’s perfidy.

I have so many questions… she brought home COLD pizza? Cold, coagulated, flaccid pepperoni? What was her thought process here? I’ll just put on my thigh-high boots for a meet-n-greet with Human Resources, and then grab some za with the OM and bring David back my cold, crusty leftovers?

CN, a big group ((((HUG))) for David2016. I hope your new life is awesome and your ex lives a life of stained underwear and cold, unwanted pizza.

Wait! I have a runner-up! Magneto’s PARROT STORY is epic. It’s been told here several times (but not for a contest, I think) and she only gave an abridged version, but the tell-tale parrot Tango is a classic. The cheater steals Magneto’s parrot Tango and she finds him by stalking a hotel singing the SpongeBob SquarePants theme.

Mine shitbag cheater, took my pet parrot to “Dear Friends” house for birdie sitting, because “this Dear, dear friend” ALWAYS wanted a pet bird and wanted to see what it was like.
… … … This is how the my tattle tale Tango wound being at the AP’s love shack.

“ooo000OOOO00000 – – -000 oo ooo OOOhhhh!!!!, Who000000000000ooo00000 LiV-es in a pineAPplE under the sEA?!!?!?!”

Magneto, you may claim your prize, but only on the condition that you tell the entire story, start to finish, in the comments. Those are my terms. This story is comic gold.

And that my friends is this year’s Cheater Freak Xmas Countdown. Gear up for Infidelity Valentine’s starting February 1st.

Congratulations David2016 and Magneto!

 

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  • Waiting with baited breath for the whole parrot story, it definitely bears respecting and beats my Christmas olive man story ..

    • David2016, I had the identical experience. Found her underwear on the bathroom floor covered in what appeared to be dried semen. “I have thrush” was the response I got. Miraculously it had cleared up the same day!

    • I had the exact same discussion about just what was in the underwear, and got the exact same answer (“v. discharge”).

  • Congratulations, David and Magneto!!!

    I too wait with breathless anticipation for whole parrot story.

  • BTW-served daddyissues the other day. Fucked up story but she hasn’t read the full complaint yet only. Here’s to a pig free 2018.

  • Oh my God..here’s a cold slice of my leftover pizza? While prancing around in cum stained underwear…As much as I enjoy and laugh at Tracy’s cartoons I can understand why this wasn’t drawn but I’m laughing just thinking of her painting that! Congrats winners!

  • Congratulations seems so wrong given the depravity of both situations but I give credit where credit is due.

    Thanks for telling your stories David16 and Magneto and congrats on the win!

  • maybe I should have entered the contest. Mine brought me cheese from Montreal- made a big deal about bringing me a present as if it was jewelry or something.

    • I discovered my STBX affair shortly before he returned home from a vacation to Italy with OW. I made it clear that I was done and he wasn’t welcome back home over an international call. He brought me back olive oil and kinder chocolate anyway, and made quite a point of it. #consolationprize #winherback
      When that pitiful attempt at bribery didn’t work, he offered me a post-nup to take him back. Sorry, my integrity is not for sale.

      • After he thought he was getting away with flying his AP First Class across the country to Savannah, he brought me back a huge bag of fresh Pecans, the size of a Canadian Loonie, he thought I could make him a great German Chocolate cake for his b’day. Instead, I flashed the photo of the room he had booked FOR her on my computer, and the rest was history. I threw a couple of those pecans at his head for good measure. Waste of good pecans.

        • Awesome story of mightiness! I love pecans too, but they were used in a good cause. He thought you’d make him a special cake? If that’s not a perfect visual for entitlement, I don’t know what is.

          Glad you’re free.

  • The levels of disrespect. The complete discard.

    I think a lot of us can remember triggers of our own through these breathtakingly horrific stories. It brought about a memory of the hugest cum stain on a pair of boxer shorts after he came home smelling of perfume and makeup…

    OMG Empath, you got cheese too? A last minute purchase at the transit Schipol on the trip where he and OW started to get it on.

    I don’t even like Gouda. I gave it to my Dutch friend in the village.

    Somehow, somewhere, I have to forgive myself for sticking around and taking his treatment. I was quite demoralised, had small children and was desperate to keep my family together …

  • Mine went through his mother’s jewelry and brought back some for the OW, but nothing for me, who knew and loved her for 18 years. She died 2 years before this happened and I helped nurse her whenever I was there, more than he ever did. The way he erased me from his mind was galling. He did bring a necklace back for one of his 3 children. #ThrowingThemABone #TheKidsWereUsedAsPropsInHisAffair #OfCourseSheWasYounger

    He was back home (another country) for 2 weeks and I had just found out about the affair before he left, but didn’t tell him. I used those 2 weeks to research his affair, meet a lawyer, and get a therapist. Oh, and found ChumpLady! Kicked him out when he arrived back home. He’s never lived here again. I can’t wait to finalize the money and custody and get the divorce done.

    • Good for you! What a POS your soon-to-be-ex is. He gave the OW your beloved MIL’s jewelry? What a sick loser.

      Sending power hugs.

      • I wouldn’t have done it so swiftly and surely without ChumpLady. I would totally have engaged in the PickMe dance. But once I started reading this site I realized what was going on and instead I was going to Pick ME.

  • I can’t wait to read the parrot story! I’m dying to find out if Tango outed Cheater by mimicking his and “Dear Friend’s” pillow talk.
    Congratulations David and Magneto on your wins, despite the gut wrenching experiences you were forced to endure. (((HUGS)))

  • Oh wow, those are some excellent choices CL! I had to google “perfidy”… and what a word it is! That kind of deception is illegal under the Geneva Convention.

    “Perfidy in war, a criminal form of deception, in which one side promises to act in good faith (e.g. by raising a flag of surrender) with the intention of breaking that promise once the enemy has exposed himself”…. sounds like wreckonciliation?

    I’m really looking forward to the details of Tango the Singing Parrot. You can’t make this shit up!

    Happy Sunday CN!

  • Congratulations, David and Magneto. I hope the parrot story is posted soon! I can’t wait to read it.

    David, a slice of pizza? Seriously?

  • Kudos to you David. I wonder just how common that is? I have been friends with the spouse of OW/AP since shortly after Dday. He also told me that she repeatedly came home and left her “wet with discharge” underwear on the bathroom floor. At the time it made me sick to my stomach but now….nope, still makes me ill.

  • Stupid things cheaters say and do. Nothing they do or say surprises me any more.

    I wonder if it’s in the cheater handbook, Chumps believe anything, the more absurd, the more time the Chump will spend trying to decipher the meaning behind it, or why cheaters would obviously lie, Chumps in their confusion will take more time trying to make sense out of the senseless statement.

  • You could draw the pizza? Preferably in a transparent gift box with a ribbon.

    Just not the other … thing …

    euw

    This blog is such a relief; shared humiliation is somehow not so shaming here.

  • “I am not laughing at you, I am laughing with you,” stated my good friend when I shared that FucktardX “fell in love” with his racquetball partner. Apparently they both had green trucks which is a shit load of “sharing things in common.” Then Sophia told me her story, that her x’s mistress (a woman whose apartment was paid for with community assets) had called her house at 2 am to let her know she existed. Sophia promptly hung up and left that ass. A standing ovation to our winners here whose stories are memorably cringe worthy (like so many of ours here) and because…”Who the fuck does this?!?”
    Just remember, CN, sharing our stories takes back our power, places the blame directly on those who should own it, and frees us to gain a life. Anything is better than living with a Cheater. That is *winning.

  • hmmm…. the panties remind me of what I discovered after cheater narc (now ex) returned home from a trip.
    When I was doing the laundry I discovered a pair of his underwear with a perfect print of an erect penis and scrotum in (wait for it…) menstrual blood. It wasn’t mine.

  • Seemingly affair partners aren’t keen on safe sex, so who is going to suffer, hiv and sti’s are on the rise. My ex called the ow a slag, but what does than make him.

  • Time to bring back the Scarlet Letter! Then we can see with the naked eye- who’s who! Scarlet letter A’s tattooed on their foreheads will work!

    Time to Turn the tables on cheaters and perverts- bestowing all the shame and humiliation of adultery- on them- NOT US chumps!

  • David2016 and Magneto – thank you for sharing the WHOLE truth. It is disturbing and shocking and I hope (sadly) there is a #metoo reading your tales right now and realizing that it is NOT OK.

    Chump Nation, as always, I’m humbled by your humor and honesty and your unrelenting will to survive and thrive!

  • The lies cheaters will come up with. Even with proof shoved in their faces they continue to lie. When I showed my soon to be ex the emails and facebook messages from his whore. He tried to downplay them. He could not remember her sending them. She always sends her friends on Facebook I love you and want to be with you. Found receipts that her bought her gifts. Still lied. Cheaters do not give a rats ass about anyone but themselves. When I went to a lawyer and filed he became furious at me. How could I divorce him they were only friends. Maybe he should not have screwed around with my old high school friends. I guess having his cake and eating it to did not work out as he planned. He choked on it.

  • *Stumbling up stage steps left and grabbing my “CHUMPY” golden stature*.. ..
    >sniff, sniff<.
    "Thank you, esteemed colleges! Accepting this award, on the behalf of Lady Tango, whom when I told her of her huge win this morning, cried, "Peep", "Aunt Barb" and "Meow". She is sorry she can not attend in feather.
    Then I told her the clock was running out on her speech and to hurry up.

    –Shall call my 'legals to make sure this is all groovy to spill…. but let me say it all starts with; "I smell, the smelly smell of a smell who smells smelly."

    • Now you have to tell the story…detailed…in all its glory ! I think I read it once, but Im waiting like others with baited breath

    • Magneto,
      Congratulations!! Can’t wait to hear the entire parrot story!!! Hope legal eagle gives permission to go into detail on parrot:)

    • We wait with bated breath the verdict of the ‘legals, because the hope of a parrot story is really what’s getting me through Monday at this point. So no pressure.

  • Congratulations to David2016 and Magneto!!
    Your humor and honesty also shows the “fighters-survivors” you both are!!

    Wtf, cold pizza-cum stained underwear explained as vag discharge!!!

    I thought my Stbx who pees on one knee, quoting scripture, with coconut oil smothered on his face, and then takes pictures of erect prick to post online was a freak:)

    David 2016-My Stbx asked me once if I wanted to “test” his boxers to prove he wasn’t cheating!!

    I laughed and said, “no, not on your life, but, start taking showers in other bathroom because I’m tired of having to spray down shower with Clorox before I shower!!”

    Chump Lady, I’m sure after reading all the entries-you did need a very, long hot shower.

  • Hope the legals will give the ok! And I need to find the pillow chewing (?) story too…

    In the meantime, i’ll share one of my ‘lame gift’ stories. Which are many. But this one. After I filed for divorce from video voyeur AND cheater STBX, one of the gifts he sent for Mother’s Day…while trying to convince me to stop/drop the divorce…which I opened in the presence of my 20yo son bc he texted my son to make sure I got said present, was a package of left-over Easter Peeps. For Mother’s Day.

    Clearance Peeps. To win me back.

    Can’t make this stuff up.

    Is there a thread for shitty gifts they give?

  • Magneto said she was having a hard time posting. So she emailed me the parrot story. Here it is!

    “Are you ready kids?” “Aye, aye, Captain!” … I said; “ArE You READY KiDS?!?” “AYE! AYE! CAPTAIN!”
    “I can’t HEAR YOU!!! OOOOOO0000OOOoo000000oooooOOOOOH!”

    Pull up a chair, kiddies and take a seat. The story you are about to hear is as truthful as any Mermaid can tell ye. It happened on a starry night, just like tonight but a long time ago….

    I had in my previous life, I thought, was it all. Wonderful kids, a loving *cough* husband, dream home, filled with a dog, cat and the hero of my story, a swabbie parrot named Tango. Just a wee chick at the time, she became my voice of reason.

    Being a teacher I have the summers off. In true chump style had a load of house tending to care too. I loved my lavender garden best of all, that summer as I pruned I had an African Grey chick trailing behind me, weaving in and out of the tall plants. She would walk with her little dinosaur stride and try to perch on tall bundles of grass trying to get a lookout.

    We would sing and talk most afternoons. I spent the entire season, note entire season, Tango is not that great a vocal student, learning the theme song to the Spongebob Squarepants theme. She would mix up words, but enthusiastically bob her head in time to the tune.

    Bomb drop was a total surprise, complete with cheater blame shifting, finger pointing, ambiguous lies and denials. I never thought he’d cheat. Just one day, boom. We had difficult years, but we had just came back from romantic anniversary trip weeks before affair started. I heard “I love you” every day. Until THAT day.

    ILYBNILWY, more blame, having to go stay at a friends house. I took a week and went out West, using the RIC advice to “let him see what life was like without me”. When I came home, the parrot was gone. He claimed a friend REALLY wanted a bird and was babysitting the bird. He wouldn’t tell me who had the bird. It was coming together.

    The marriage cop in me went in full mode, by *ahem* sheer luck (gps) I located a huge apartment complex. There was no way to decipher what apartment went to what spaces… … unless you have my little friend behind one of those doors.

    Going over there during the day, I rolled up like Beyonce, walked right up, threw out my arms out and in my most “I don’t give a fuck” voice belted out; “Oooo000ooOOoooo0000000000000! WhO LiVeS iN A pINEaPple UnDeR tHE SeA?!?”

    “SpONgeBOB SqUArePants! SPongeBOB PaNTS! SpONGE BOB …..PPPaaaAAAAnnnnNNNts!” – Instantly.
    Ding, ding, ding. Behind door number two.

    I walked up, said my goodbyes to her and left because she was getting upset. Got the name from a piece of trash (ASPCA donation card) immediately called husband and served him the gospel of truth from King Triton himself. He helped move the love birds in together, thought the parrot was cool. He stopped dead when I told him the facts.

    Gave him the info around 4 p.m. At 11:00 that night, tires screeching, headlights blaring, booming and banding outside. My daughter dryly said; “Hey, mom. The birds back”. She has been with me ever since.

    • Magneto- what a story! Love everything about it! Your devotion to your chick in the garden, their selfishness to steal her, and the way you put your PI hat on to find her, such perfection.
      It makes me BOIL to think he would give your pet to his new thing, shows you how people are not even real to them, UGH.
      Reminds me of my mom’s story, where she saw a certain flower on dad’s car, and figured out the street the hideaway was on! She bought a wig, and surveilled him, sitting in her car down the street! How shocked he was, when he pulled in the parking garage after work to meet his AP, and Mom was standing there waiting for him. He never thought she had the chops to do anything like that! They ended up divorcing, but I love that she confronted him.
      A long and happy life to your birdie!

    • Oh my gosh, I shouldn’t have been trying to eat a cookie while reading this. I’m lucky it didn’t snort out my nose from laughter. The visual is priceless. The jig was up. I’m glad you got your bird back and sorry your husband turned out to be a piece of trash. Thank you for sharing.

    • KK has provided me with some great material for my story slams, but this is some story is something I just envy. I would so love to be able to get up on a stage and tell this one.

      If you listen to the Moth Hour on PBS and/or are aware of any story slam events in your area, and you’ve ever had the ‘itch’ to perform, I would strongly urge you to do so. This story is GOLD.

    • Magneto, forever my favourite CN story!!!
      And whenever I feel a bit down, pining for my previous (imaginary) happy life with the Traitor, I ask “Who lives in a pinapple under the sea?”
      It never fails to cheer me up.

  • That is epic. I’m sure it was horrible at the time, but what a MIGHTY story you have. Who lives in a pineapple under the sea…

  • Chumplady, if your book deals ever transitions into a MOVIE deal, I vote that this SpongeBob Square pants scence make it onto the BIG screen. Also, your shoveling a truckload of manure on your birthday right around D-day. True stories that are comedy GOLD! 🙂

    • I can totally see Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life: The Movie!! I imagine it as one of those movies that has all those mini plots that somehow all mesh together. Not sure how the stories would all link up, but I’m sure some talented author (CL!!) could figure it out!!

    • Right! Or a TV show, like the old retro “Love American Style”, only it would be “Divorce, Chump Style”.

      Each episode would have a different plot, different couple…but the chump is always mighty in the end.

  • BWAHAHAHAAAAA, OMG, that is fanf-ckingtastic!!!!
    This one is beyond the best ever of “How I Caught the Cheater”

    So happy you got Tango back.

    “Oooooooooooohhhh…who lives in a pineapple under the sea…” Mi-Mighty Magneto!!!”

  • I’m so sorry I’m late to my own award ceremony! How embarrassing!

    (Magneto, I see you in the audience: congratulations and let’s meet at the Cast of Fools party after!)

    I am humbled and moved to be the recepient of this honor. I have so many people to thank, and to those I have forgotten, I apologize: To the employer who recognized that the woman whom they were considering hiring was totally clueless, irresponsible and vain, thank you. Your perceptions were correct, even though for a long time mine weren’t.

    To the fine pizza artisans of Chicago: although the slice was forged in a pit of lies and its deliverer corrupt–a “blood-slice” one might say–I did enjoy it. Although New York pizza reigns supreme.

    And, at the risk of sounding smug, I want to thank myself: for my courage, for my resolve, and for my keen ability to discern the difference between deceit and truth, and between vaginal discharge and a slimy homewrecker’s semen.

    Thank you, CL and CN!

    • Bravo, David!!!
      Well said, and I agree with you about New York pizza reigning supreme!
      I’m originally from New Jersey, and I miss “Yankee pizza”

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