When I started this blog, I never imagined I would hear from chumps around the world. Heck, in the early days, I didn’t realize the insanity went much past my own cheater, let alone across continents of fuckwits worldwide.
Turns out, chumpdom is a common condition. People have written to ask if they could translate articles into Serbo-Croation, or Afrikaans, or Spanish. Apparently, the Reconciliation Industrial Complex is alive and well and divorce shame and less-than-stellar infidelity advice abounds everywhere.
Today I’m happy to report the Chump Revolution is going global. A few months ago, I got an amazing offer to come speak in Australia by Zhuchi, an outfit that does seminars for mental health providers. Talk to the RIC in Oz? HELL YEAH!
I’ll be in Newcastle, Australia on May 25 — and I hope if you’re anywhere around (and heck even if you aren’t!) you’ll come join us. You don’t have to be a therapist — consider it a chump consortium! Chump studies! Chumpapalooza 2.0! It’s going to be me snarking live, unpacking the chump experience, and debunking the RIC. Maybe I’ll wrestle some crocodiles. (It’s Australia, that’s de rigour, right?)
I hope you’ll come. Please reward this kind lady Liz who has made such a generous offer to transport me to the other side of the world to speak. And check out Newcastle! It looks like paradise-by-the-sea. We can hang out! Slather sunblock on each other! Eat vegemite sandwiches! …. and….
CHANGE THE NARRATIVE!
Details on the Chump World Takeover are here. Spread the word! Thanks!
And check out these pictures of Newcastle! Pretty, huh?
I’ll be reminding CN of this event between now and May… just noodge, noodge…
What are the chances that a similar workshop could occur in the United States? How could we make that happen?
Well, it starts with being brave enough to ask! I am “fortunate” enough to have a database of people who have subscribed to my newsletter about training/education events I am bringing to Newcastle. I then advertise the HELL out of it – some paid, some social media word of mouth. Fact is though, there is a risk involved in that hiring a venue, paying for flights and accommodation and so on, catering, they all cost money. Truth is, if I don’t sell enough seats, I will be paying the deficit out of my own pocket.
It’s a lot of hard work, and a lot of luck involved.
Here’s hoping the Aussie chumps unite and make the effort to come the distance.
Did I miss the announcement of the Freaky Christmas Countdown contest winner? (Noodge noodge?)
I’d like to know that too. I was hoping olive-man would get a cartoon.
Tomorrow! Sorry… so behind.
Yay! Any chance of a video of yr talk, Tracy? Xxx
^^ This!
I already booked months ago ???????? Will be coming over from the other side of Australia. It’s a long way, but I couldn’t miss out on meeting CL in the flesh and thanking her face to face. Yay!…can’t wait!
So glad you will have such an amazing experience! You are such an inspiration to all of us here at CN. It is only fitting that two great hearts will get to connect in person.
{{{HUGS}}} as you continue to ForgeOn!
Can’t wait to meet you there. There are a couple of WA CHUMPS – DIgbert is one, who seems a little wary about coming alone. Would be good to place her in touch with you LHATA.
I am planning a CHUMPY picnic the afternoon/night before at a park near the beach to help those travelling alone to feel less intimidated, but I need people to start booking so I can start connecting people in.
PLEASE start booking folks!!!
Wow What a dream trip! But sorry, after my narc screwed me in settlement there are so many things that I can’t do. However I would love to see your speech. You are awesome!Will it be live streamed?
I won’t be able to go either ~ but
I would love to see your speech too.
Not sure about the streaming. Equipment costs money and software costs money. I cover all my expenses via ticket sales. Would need a commitment upfront from a large cohort willing to lay down some bucks in order to cover live streaming expenses before I could commit to it…
Are there any chump travel agents out there who could perhaps put together a package from the US for those who want to go?
Perhaps from NY or DC?
It would be more economical and, most importantly, more fun to travel and stay at the same lodgings together.
May be my only chance to get down under and not have to travel alone. One result of my divorce is not having anyone to travel with other than strangers on a group tour. Going with fellow chumps would be amazing!
There’s also a sticky in the forum if you want to connect. Some other chumps are going too! Should’ve mentioned in the post. A travel agent is a great idea. It’s beyond my ken, but I bet someone can figure this out.
THIS^^^^ I was pricing tickets from East Coast, but started getting lost when thinking about transport to Newcastle, lodging, etc… Australia is a bucket list location of mine… and hearing CL present, just the icing!
I am so honored and so humbled to be part of this Great Nation that you birthed, Tracy!!
To see you doing this is phenomenal!
I am sure that never in a million years when you were shoveling that load of cow shite did you imagine such an outcome. The lives this Nation has saved and changed will never be fully known. We are all so blessed that you have used your talents in this way! Thank you for providing this place of comfort, love and laughter.
Love to all of ChumpNation as Tracy Forge’sOn to Australia! YAY!!
Congratulations! So well deserved!!!
Hi CL,
Sending this info to my therapist- he’s currently in the process of obtaining certification in Somatic Experiencing.
I’ve discussed your site with him after I joined – he loved it’s called Chump Lady.
Seeing clearly
CL,
Would love to see you invited to speak on a regular basis to every Media outlet and respond each time these Celebrities/Politicians/Media are making their “I apologize bs statements” after being outed!!
Seeing clearly
I personally cant afford the trip, but website has helped me a lot. I wish I had heard of it sooner.
I started an anonymous blog a few years ago. I haven’t written in it for quite some time now. It was helpful in ways because I could say whatever I wanted and not worry about being judged due to the anonymity of it all. But that brings me to this question: why do you think people are so uncomfortable and dislike reading about bad stuff, negative stuff? I’ve had family member chide me for posting on Facebook about bad days. Like they only want to read about how great I’m doing or see pictures of rainbows and kittens? It makes me angry because I am who I am because of what I go through. Everything I go through, especially the bad stuff. It shapes and changes me daily. I feel like I have to keep all the negative stuffed inside to keep others as my friends and to ensure their comfort levels. I dated a man I was crazy about, few years after my separation and while going through the actual divorce. We dated for 14 months. He finally broke things off because he stated I was wonderful and caring and giving and loving, in spite of all the negative crap I have been through…and that I don’t cause bad things to happen to me but they still happen. But that stress was too much for him. A close friend told me weeks before this breakup that she was tired of things always being about me when we spoke. I did ask how she was doing but she always directed the conversation back to me so I ran with it. I guess venting and clearing my mind was too much for her too. (I was in an abusive marriage to a narcissist for nearly 20 years. And even now that the divorce is done, I have kids with him and he still finds ways to abuse and try to manipulate me. I’m better about ignoring him but I still a struggle.) Even my kids have said harsh things to me or about me. I try to see things from their point of view. They love their father and want him to be a good dad. And when he isn’t, they vent to me. I listen and support them and am careful to not blast their father. I try to think of the big picture and because they are all in their upper teens (16,18,19), I just tell myself they will see their father for who he really is on their own soon enough. Backstory is along with financial and emotional abuse, he had an affair for last few years of the marriage and lied about it until his lover’s husband called me and confirmed my suspicions. The kids know all this. He is still with this woman and my kids hate her.
So why do people not want to be supportive friends and lend an ear? Why are they so uncomfortable listening to problems? And how am I ever supposed to heal and trust or feel safe with anyone again?
Rory, I can try to answer some of these questions. First of all, divorce makes people uncomfortable. They think it is like a disease that will spread to their family. Secondly, they think we should be “over it” in like 6 months. Unless they experience it for themselves, people have know idea how devastating this really is. I have noticed girlfriends distancing themselves, since my divorce was final. It’s like they are afraid I may go after their husbands. As for the kids, I have learned not to vent in front of them. They don’t want to hear it. For one, they feel that they are a reflection of their father, so any negativity feels aimed at them. Secondly, they are frustrated too. I don’t know their ages. Teenagers may challenge you. My son has been pushy with me, a few times, because he thinks he is the man now. I have had to put him in his place. He doesn’t express his feelings much, but I know he is deeply hurt. It is a shit sandwich for everyone.
I know exactly what you mean about people not wanting to hear the negative. I get tired of hearing myself, but when you are constantly being abused verbally, emotionally and mentally by the narcissist it’s difficult to take yourself out of the negative.
I have the same problem with my 16 year old. He knew about the affair and had to keep it quiet. The woman was his tutor/mentor and aggressively pursued a friendship with me. I even confided to her I thought my then husband was having an affair! That’s messed up. The cheater told me what happened between her and me was between her and me.
My son told me it appears I am winning because I am still living in the house!
All I can say is stay strong. Just yesterday I ran into a parent who has known me for 11 years. When I told her what happened, she told me that she has known my soon to be ex, has always acted like he’s better then everyone else. She said she is not the only one who recognized his narcissism. When they are portraying you as the crazy person it’s hard to remember that there are people out there who can see through the sparkle! I am telling you there are those who support you. Just stick with them and forget the rest.
I am trying hard but I really don’t have anyone to confide in or vent to. People say they are there for you but when I ask or reach out, no one really is. People are busy and have their own lives and I do understand that. I have just really been struggling these past few months. It’s been over two years since I made the decision to leave the marriage and I know it was the right choice but nothing is really any better for me, emotionally. Thank you for your thoughts.
Rory1970… PLEASE DON’T GIVE UP! I never thought I would come out the other side, but I am, and you will, too. I have the help of professionals. Please seek it if you can. Stay strong, stay busy, and take very good care of you ♡
Hang in there Rory!
Healing takes time. Victims of adultery often end up dealing with PTS as a result. Realizing that I was suffering from PTSD (plus CL, Divorce Minister, Christian Courier) helped me a lot! You may be dealing with it as well.
*An army veteran I know has a companion dog that has been an amazing companion for him.
Hi Rory,
Just focus on taking baby steps every day!
I’m right where you are and totally understand how you are feeling!
It’s frustrating and overwhelming at times!
Switzerland friends show their true colors and that can also be hurtful. Keep moving forward-I’m listening to the wonderful advice from others on this site and some days the advice and encouragement you will receive here will help you get through the day!!
Listen to advice from CN, just joined a few weeks ago and was the best decision I made while going through DV from Narcissist.
Feel your pain and sending a hug!
Seeing clearly
Hi Rory
I feel your pain in, there is no one really for you when you are sobbing your heart out people l feel just get fed up with listening so for me l try and keep it to myself but it is so hard being sad all the time.
Sending a hug.
Hi Rory
I am about the same timeline as you and I have had my two best friends distance themselves recently. It’s hard, but they have been through wreckonciliation in 2012 with to d day 2 in 2016 and now leading up to divorce mess and issues with my kids and oh my, it’s been a storm.
I haven’t been able to just ‘be’ for so long, but I am doing counselling pretty much weekly and that is needed so that I am not unloading all my emotional burden on my people. I hope the friendships can be restored in time but for now I will try to get better and get through this and be there for them if they need me. If there isn’t a friend right now, at least start counselling and maybe look to see if there is Divorce Care in a church near you? Or a Chump Meet Up? Those would be good places to meet a new friend.
Hugs to you…we will get through this!!!!!!!
Hugs to you.
I have researched counselors in my area to find one who specializes in Narcissism and PTSD but I have not been successful in finding one within reasonable driving distance and I work full time and can’t take off work for a day of driving on a regular basis. I have tried other therapy but the lack of knowledge with Narcissism makes their advice/counseling seem dismissive to what my issues are. I keep looking and researching. Finding online groups and blogs such as this does help so I’m holding onto that for right now. It’s the lack of trust in all humans these days that has me worrried and keeps me frozen in this ugly lonely place.
And I do feel slighted because I’ve always been the friend everyone turns to for advice and help and I’ve always dropped everything to be there for my friends and family so this is doubly hard feeling abandoned by so many.
Hi Rory
Just a suggestion, search Psychology Today,
And you can narrow your search to your state/city to search for therapists that specifically deal with PTSD/Trauma/Domestic Violence, etc and the search will bring up therapists in your area with ratings. You can then search for online reviews.
From my experience, the therapists responded quickly to online requests to call and will do a phone consultation also.
For me, I’m trying to use therapist as outlet for venting, as my adult children have a difficult time knowing what I’m going through and their feeling of powerlessness on what they can do to help.
Good luck
Seeing clearly
Closest to me is nearly 2 hours away. Trust me, I’ve tried. I’ve messaged and not heard back. And religious therapy can be really hard for me because there’s a focus on vows and I tried in my marriage. I broke the vows by filing for divorce. But he broke the vows with abuse and infidelity. The minute I have to defend or explain my decision to leave the marriage is he minute I know I have not good tje right therapist for me. Or friend. Or family member. It’s really causing me to shut down. But thank you. I’ll keep looking but so far, no luck.
Rory:
You did not break the marriage vow. He broke it with adultery. You have the God given right to divorce him for doing so!
Precious Rory and others,
One of the things I did that really made a difference for me with the PTSD is acupuncture. It was not the only thing I did, but it was a major key to unlocking the blocked energy so that the other things I was doing would have greater effect—–(Diet change, select supplements, soul-nourishing reading—for me, this includes the Holy Scriptures—and so on)
My acupuncturist shared with me that he wished all of his patients would allow themselves to be treated for PTSD, as he had a large percentage of patients that were suffering from it, but did not know or acknowledge. He said treatments would be much more effective if everyone he treated was first treated for PTSD. But he could not treat something without a person’s permission.
I have also benefited greatly from Bio-feedback. It pinpoints emotional, physical and subconscious issues. Bio-feedback is awesome! Similar is neuro-feedback.
Be sure you let the practitioner know your issues. A good practitioner will be willing to visit with you on what you are needing to address.
Continue to ForgeOn!
My DD had the same reaction to my shattering divorce: “Get Over It”, like it was boring to her to hear me express my sadness. (shrug) So I stopped confiding in her. I did eventually “get over it”, but the sadness lingers even after twenty years.
Egads–I just realized I’ve been divorced from that man for longer than I knew him! Well, I’m happier now, and he’s just more bald.
I think some are ignorant, some are selfish, and many are afraid.
Besides the typical RIC & no fault divorce stuff out there, I’ve personally heard a public service type announcement informing (warning) people of statistics that show there is an increased likelihood of getting a divorce yourself if you have a close friend going through one! Rather than helping a friend in need, people are basically being warned against doing so. This plays on people’s fear & insecurities. I think many choose to abandon the friend in order to protect their own marriage-family from demise!
That “information” is actually one reason why I kept a lot of my marriage issues to myself for so long — I didn’t want to be responsible for causing someone else’s divorce.
I totally hear you. I have been feeling the same. When I posted some thing positive, like about not wanting to bash him anymore, I got so many ‘YAY YOU! Way to go for staying positive’ comments. But I am hurting and people are uncomfortable with that. I have had some great friends support me through this but even they seem to have had enough of hearing about my hurt and pain and sadness. I know they want me to start moving forward and hearing more positives for my sake not just their own, but it is tough when you feel you can’t be you and let it all out. It is a one process of grief and it can’t be rushed. We have to go THROUGH IT, we can’t go around it! Hugs to you.
I found round trip flights Charlotte to Newcastle for $1700 US !
I am going to find a way to make this happen! I am planning to stay a week to 10 days since the flight is SO LONG – I will keep investigating options and will post to the sticky thread on results
Wow – that is awesome! Price isn’t too bad but to get a direct flight to Oz (and directly to Newcastle!) is a huge bonus.
Talk to me. I live just outside of Newcastle, 30 mins from Ncle airport! I am going!
Private message me on Facebook. Reply if interested.
CL; how do we do this??
Awesome! Check out the sticky post in the private forums on how to connect with each other. 🙂 I’ll try and ask Liz the organizer if CN can get an email list started or something.
I can get a list together but I need people to register first. At this stage I have seen people giving verbal commitment but this isn’t/hasn’t been reflected in bookings? I fully plan on coordinating a night before event and linking people in, but can only do this once I have received people’s booking! Get on to the website and book fellow CHUMPS and I will start linking people in with each other.
Really? It’s a direct flight to Newcastle (Williamstown Airport)?! & not just fly to Sydney and get on a bus? Newcastle is about 2.5 hours drive north of Sydney Airport – it is expressway from the Airport to your hotel so a fairly easy drive. It is a beautiful location, and the city has been refurbishing itself over the last few years and is the new HOT place to be.
I have a divorcing girlfriend up there – although neither cheated – just hated each other. AND my young niece just moved there – so I have some good reasons to make a trip of it.
25 May is just at the end of Autumn – so a bit cool- maybe not swimming weather but you can still do everything and it is the dry season.
Regular trains from Sydney Central station direct to Newcastle about an 2.5 hours. Drive is probably less than 2.5 hours – but obviously traffic and time of day is factor. Flights also from Sydney to Newcastle with Qantas and REX. There are also Shuttle bus services that pick up from airport and drop in Newcastle.
I wouldn’t be looking at catching a bus…
And yes end of May might be a bit “cool” but that isn’t reflective of what’s deemed cool by the rest of the world’s standards!!! My brother – who lives in the UK still goes in ocean here June/July when he visits 🙂
Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh, please come to the Netherlands!
Come to lreland please please please
15 1/2 hour drive there, 15 1/2 hours back, totally doable.Someone else previously mentioned they were going from Adelaide??have station wagon, plenty of room
Hey MiM, am doing a long weekend flying visit but will put the message out to the Chumps I have email details for.
Perhaps dinner on Thursday night when you get in.
Have you registered Moominmamma? I haven’t received any bookings from anyone in SA…
Hey ZHUCHI, I booked the early bird and am from SA – got my acknowledgement email as well!
No financial means to travel “Down Under” but I have given the heads up to some chumps I know in Australia Tracy ! One American living outside Sydney and a Saffa from Brisbane.
BRILLIANT!! Let’s hope they book 🙂
Congratulations, CL! You have helped countless people get through a dark time. Much as we may joke, it ranks right up there with life’s greatest hurts. I’ll always be thankful for you and wish you the best as your work moves across the globe.
You can’t fly directly into Newcastle as there is no international airport, you will need to fly into Sydney then drive 2.5hrs north, or fly into Brisbane or Melbourne then catch a domestic flight to Newcastle.
It will be starting to get cool in May, as coming into our winter.
I would love to come but I’m on the other side of Aussie land. Hope you get to take in Sydney for a few days, jump on the ferry to Manly or check out Bondi and of course the Bridge and Opera House. Newcastle is a good place by all accounts. You will love it and the weather should still be pretty decent.
Really Lady B? You aren’t going to come from WA?? A few others are… go on… please….!
Hey CN, this is my hometown! Newcastle is surrounded by beautiful beaches, great cafes and restaurants, and has a working harbour lined with public park, restaurants and bars. You can walk all along the foreshore, or hire a bike and ride it. There is Nobby’s lighthouse that is open to the public on weekends (great for taking photos) and a breakwall that you can walk or ride to the end of and occasionally catch dolphins or even seals frolicking in the water. Up on a hill is Fort Scratchley, which again is wonderful for photos, and I highly recommend taking the tunnel tour. If you don’t mind driving, it is 45 minutes to vineyards to the north west in the Pokolbin region, and 45 minutes to the largest sand dunes in the Southern Hemisphere in the north east at Port Stephens. Whale watching cruises leave from the harbour, or you have dolphin or whale watching cruises that depart from Port Stephens.
I want to be a bit careful about what I say, as I value my privacy as it allows me to vent on here. I am also about to go to bed, so hit me with questions and I’ll get to them tomorrow.
Awesome! Thank you for all the travel tips! <3
Obviously ZHUCHI will help with info about accommodation and logistics too once you book – just email through any questions!
Would really urge people to actually start to register as comments of commitment are not yet reflected in bookings… Thanks CN!
CL – you are SO incredibly MIGHTY!! You are single-handedly changing the world through your research, writing, drawing, and love of us Chumps! I’m so glad that I found your blog soon after my life was blown up by infidelity. Your insight, advice, and direction has saved Chumps like me so many tears, anxiety, and more time and years wasted.
Congratulations on the amazing things that continue to happen as a result of you having the courage to take the risk and changing the dialogue on cheaters, and the trauma that their infidelity causes spouses and families. I agree with other Chumps that a national CL tour is in order here in the U.S.! You’d totally kill it just like you will this May in Australia!
(((Hugs & massive warmth to you!!)))
Hi there chump nation. I am a constant reader of chump lady and total supporter of all the spot on advice from Tracy. My DD was in early 2011. Divorced in 2015. Finally at meh. Living in Sydney with my two sons. Got the nice house at least!
Anyway if any overseas or far away female chumps need a few days accommodation in Sydney at no cost during Tracy’s visit then I could offer my spare room as a gesture of solidarity with the sisterhood of chumps. (Knowing of course that men are also hurt by female infidelity)
It may be an ‘out there idea’- but we could get to know each other first over internet or email? Could be fun. I’m not sure how to connect with anyone but the offer is there. Maybe just respond to this comment if you might be interested.
Hi Alison. There is a Aussie group in the forums under “meetups” who have all been linked in via Tempest. Ask tempest to be a part of the group and she will add you. Send an email and we will respond!
Hey moominmamma, have you supplied your email to Tempest, there is a Adelaide chump who is willing to share the drive. Please email Tempest asking to be put in the Aussie Chump mailing list.