Dear Chump Lady,
I was dating a guy for a few months and he called me yesterday and said after a lot of praying that I wasn’t his “one”. He said he still wants to hang out and be friends and to message him when I’m “over” him.
Then he went on to say I didn’t have to wait until I was over him, I could message him that I’m thinking about him and praying for him. I have given and given and given and he has taken and taken and taken in this relationship. I am distraught over this whole thing. I need some advice!
Dear Always Giving,
May I offer up a prayer?
Dear God, thank you for blessing Always Giving with this rejection. She is not a fuckwit’s One.
I know it hurts, AG, but people are allowed to reject us. That’s dating. Like job hunting and rushing sororities, and Who’s Got Talent hunger games, life is about taking rejection on the chin. (Talk to me sometime about getting a book published. “I don’t think anyone can relate to a so-called ‘Chump Lady.'” Actual publisher rejection. 18 million page views later…)
As I say here often — don’t date until you can dump and be dumped. It takes a strong inner core of self worth to endure those rejections, especially when delivered by text, radio silence… Or God Himself! (“Thou Aren’t The One.”) It’s a suckfest.
But Tracy, then why is he a fuckwit?
He’s not a fuckwit because he rejected you. He’s a fuckwit because he’s not really rejecting you, he’s inviting you to do the pick me dance.
Message when you’re over him? Conceited much? While you may not be girlfriend material, you are welcome to be auxiliary kibble supply. Please accept second- (or 15th-) tier status. But maybe with some hard work and endless self-improvement you can win the number one (or thirteenth) spot! Keep the eternal flame of hope burning, build a shrine, and say prayers for him! Ugh. What’s to miss here? His over-inflated sense of himself?
You want advice? Here’s your advice — don’t settle for lopsided relationships.
I have given and given and given and he has taken and taken and taken in this relationship.
That’s not a relationship, that’s being a codependent chump. Yeah, I said that loathsome word — codependent. You know what that dynamic is? That’s where you give and give and give and give and pick me dance to prove your worth. That’s where you believe you can Nice people into being who you want them to be. (i.e. boyfriend material.)
And when they don’t give back? You spackle. You invent reasons why they deserve their entitled status, or why it’s not entitled status, but the Natural Order of Things. Or you delude yourself that they would do the same for you. Someday. (But they’re very busy right now washing their cat.)
Or WORSE you accept the give, give, give/take, take, take dynamic as all you deserve. So you make your needs smaller and smaller. Which is exactly what he’s offering you now — did you want girlfriend status? How about hanger on? Will you accept that? Do you need some centrality and respect in your relationship? How about you learn to do without that?
UGH. He’s a jerk — but YOU are pining to SERVE kibbles to a JERK. Examine that. This is the part you control. His jerkiness? Not within your powers.
When you accepted lopsidedness, when you give, give, give to the taker, you’re driving down your self-worth. You’re telegraphing that your time and love and gifts are not worth as much. But AG — you set the price on yourself. YOU decide who is worthy of you and who is not. Does he measure up? YOU MATTER. You decide!
It’s only been a few months — not enough investment to be distraught over. Disappointed? Yes. Distraught tells me you’ve got work to do on this self-worth, picker thing. Never need it That Bad.
What to do going forward?
You said I could respond when I was “over” you. Well, I’m over you! After a lot of thinking, and praying for you, God has spoken.
She told me you’re Not The One.