Dear Chump Lady,
Cheater has been with the same OW since all this started — over three years ago, when I was pregnant with my now 2.5-year-old son. WHY does he insist on continuing to harass me? Why isn’t he content to ride off into the sunset with the woman of his choice, and just let me parent my kids as I see fit the 70% of the time I have them? And WHY is his OW not bothered with how he seems to enjoy making my life difficult MORE than he enjoys creating a new life with her?! It boggles my mind!
Basic geometry, Boggled. Fuckwits need a triangle. (Or as I like to add, rectangle, hexagon, dodecahedron…) Playing people off each other is their life force. Gives their freaky disordered lives meaning. (Well, not really meaning, but friction and chaos. Which if you’re a wingnut, works for you.)
Consider what he’s missing. Your ex and the OW had you as their chump. She got to pretend she was winning something. He got to pretend he was some International Man of Mystery worth fighting for. And everyone was doing the pick-me polka around his fabulousness. Good times.
But then you got uppity and left the triangle (rectangle, hexagon, dodecahedron…) Kibbles were lost. The OW might conclude that if you aren’t fighting for him, he may not be a prize. And he would have to work harder to find a new chump to join in the dance. But WHY? You’re there! All he has to do is goad you!
Resulting kibbles depend on where the narcissist channel is set. (Remember they have three settings — rage, charm, self-pity.) Charm = booty call, reminiscing about old times, anything to throw the OW off balance. (DANCE MOTHERFUCKER DANCE!) Self-pity and rage are there to keep you in line and remind OW that you are the Axis of Evil. The cheaters need you as the foil, as it keeps the attention off their own dysfunction and gives them a common purpose (unification in how much you suck).
Unfortunately, you bred with a fuckwit, so it’s a lifetime of triangulation with you and the kids unless you learn to shut that shit down. Which brings us to…
No contact. Grey rock. Scheduling software. BIFF (brief, informative, friendly, firm) communications. Iron-clad boundaries.
Here’s what you DON’T do — try to shame him into better behavior. Don’t you see how upsetting this is to the children? Why are you LIKE THIS? Haven’t you hurt us enough?!
Kibbles, kibbles, kibbles.
No, what you do is IGNORE HIM.
Him: I noticed that you sent Bobby home with a Harry Potter book! Which is Satanist fantasy full of British English! (I object to my children saying cello-tape and holiday and gobsmacked!)
Yes! Not every bit of idiocy requires a response! Does it have to do with scheduling children or money? (Which can be documented by software?) Leave it alone.
He can call the tune. Doesn’t mean you have to dance. Leave the mindfuck boogaloo to the OW.
Enjoy your 70 percent of sane parenting time. I’m sorry about the 30 percent the kids must spend with the fuckwits, but you don’t control that. So, focus on what you do control — you. Cease kibble production today.