Chumped wives in the media. It’s never pretty, is it? If they’re even in focus, that is. Bit players to their husband’s malfeasance. Hanging in there, standing by their man, issuing media “we” statements… (How did you get ownership of this, chump? Dude can’t even use a singular possessive pronoun?)
I don’t envy anyone suffering through a D-Day, let alone one played out on the national stage. Heck, I could barely stand and shower, let alone craft media messages. But I’d like to imagine a world in which the betrayed wives of fuckwit politicians everywhere refuse to participate in the impression management minstrel show.
Like, say the wife of disgraced Republican State Rep. Jeff Hoover, who recently resigned as Kentucky Speaker of the House over sexual harassment charges. The Washington Post reports on some epic sad sausage emoting here:
In remarks lasting more than 20 minutes, Hoover portrayed himself as the victim of a wide-ranging conspiracy to oust him from power, accusing the governor and fellow lawmakers of lying about his actions.
With his wife of 26 years watching from the balcony, he acknowledged having traded inappropriate texts with the staff member, but denied any misconduct, saying that although the messages were ill-advised, they were consensual.
“What’s the one thing you’re most ashamed of that you have done in the past five years?” Hoover asked the chamber. “What if you woke up one morning and that one thing that you’re sitting there thinking about was on the front page of every newspaper in this state?”
His voice quavered as he explained how the scandal had affected him and his family, saying that he had lost 33 pounds in four weeks because he couldn’t eat.
“I laid on my couch day after day after day in the fetal position,” he said. “I got down on the floor when no one was at home, crying uncontrollably and screaming out to almighty God to help me through this situation and to help my family and my daughters. I went into depression. I went into isolation.”
His depression? HIS WIFE DOESN’T EVEN GET A NAME. SHE HAS TO WATCH FROM A BALCONY! Twenty-six years of marriage and it’s all about HIM.
I’m guessing there was some other fetal position screaming coming from the Hoover household, but it doesn’t merit mentioning. That’s God’s problem. God will help. Jeff’s busy now in his “isolation.” (My guess, he’s hiding in the bathroom with his burner phone and some dating profiles… explains it off as “job hunting.”)
Can we write Mrs. Hoover a new script?
Or how about the First Lady of Missouri, Sheena Greitens? I think she’s been carted off to la-la land by the forgiveness trolls. Allegedly her husband was having an affair with a hairdresser. But just to ensure his Schoompie’s silence, Governor Greitens tied her up and took naked pictures of her to use as blackmail. Not to worry, the Greitens are praying on it. No need for a felony investigation. ABC news reports:
The Greitens first acknowledged the affair in a joint statement Thursday, saying, “A few years ago, before Eric was elected Governor, there was a time when he was unfaithful in our marriage,” the Greitens said in a joint statement. “This was a deeply personal mistake. Eric took responsibility, and we dealt with this together honestly and privately.”
The statement continued, “While we never would have wished for this pain in our marriage, or the pain that this has caused others, with God’s mercy Sheena has forgiven and we have emerged stronger. We understand that there will be some people who cannot forgive – but for those who can find it in your heart, Eric asks for your forgiveness, and we are grateful for your love, your compassion, and your prayers.”
Do they have the RIC on direct dial? Yes, the problem is NOT hog-tying your mistress for Kompromat, the problem is your FORGIVENESS. Why can’t you be more like Sheena, people? It’s been what? 48 hours? And she’s already FORGIVEN HIM. And, of course, they have Emerged Stronger. (The Reconciliation Industrial Complex can never leave it alone. Affairs are not just survivable — they’re improving.)
Oh Sheena, you need a new script too.
So CN, your Friday homework is to write new endings for Sheena and Mrs. (I Don’t Get a First Name) Hoover and any other betrayed political wife you think needs rebranding.
The Mrs. Hoover of my imagination is swinging down from that balcony in 3-inch stilettos, like an avenging velociraptor, stabbing Mr. Hoover in the throat.
Whereupon she’ll walk away, denying any misconduct, but copping to “inappropriateness.” She meant to wear the 4-inch boots.