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Snooping in the Modern Age

I recently had to research a story on the modern phenomena of losing your job because of something you posted on social media. Back in the pre-Internet era, when newspapers roamed the earth, and privacy was more or less a thing, you could be as offensive and shady as you wanted to be, and your employer would probably never know. Now, your employer can follow your feed and discover your penchant for pot-smoking,  racist tirades, or chia pudding recipes and fire you for it.

And (with some notable exceptions) it’s legal in the U.S. Totally legit! (In fact, the angle for the story I was writing was for lawyers. As in, “How can I fire my pot-smoking, pudding-loving racist? Must I reveal my sources?”)

Which got me to thinking — we live in a post-snooping world. Snooping used to be a bad thing. Unsporting! Don’t shake those Christmas presents! Don’t flip ahead of the book to see how it ends!

Now snooping is an accepted part of modern life. Heck, it’s even encouraged. Going on a date? Google him. Thinking of hiring her? Background check. Want to get to know him better? Stalk his Twitter feed.

The other day I got a letter from a chump who wanted to confront the fellow she was dating because he lied about his whereabouts. How’d she know? THE GPS TRACKING in his DATING APP told her so! I’m like — this is a THING?

Which brings me back to cheaters. They’re quickly losing the high ground on snooping outrage.

via GIPHY

In a world with surveillance cameras, geo-locating, enabled cookies on your browser — cheaters, you’re going to get stroppy about your girlfriend checking your phone?

I’m not making an argument in favor of the Orwellian surveillance state (that drone has left the barn), I’m saying total strangers collect data on us every day. And it doesn’t worry most cheaters one bit. But your chump asks to see your phone? Oh hey, now you’re a born-again libertarian! Now you’re offended to your core at this violation of your privacy.

The common cheater play when busted, is the false equivalency. Fucking escorts and risking your health? No, the greater sin is you looked at an incoming text. Your wife had a year-long affair and is conspiring to run off to another state with your children? You discovered this by hacking into her email. YOU SIR are a MONSTER!

The whole It’s Not What I Did, It’s How You Discovered It is getting increasingly lame. Did I discover your affair? Oh yes, and while I was at it, I discovered the four speeding tickets you had in the last 20 years, the Facebook page of your third grade teacher, and your long-lost half sister. Then, your boss called and fired you for being a pot-smoking, pudding-loving racist.

If employers can snoop to fire a fuckwit, chumps can too.

It’s getting harder to hide your shadiness. In this new world, if you have a few human blemishes, get in front of them and expect that youthful larceny charge to be found. And while I prefer trust over surveillance, it appears the new order is surveillance over trust.

Not a good place to be if you’ve got something to hide. Grip your cell phones a little tighter, cheaters, and smile for the camera.

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  • The problem with snooping is when the cheaters know that us chumps are snooping. They create fake email accounts not linked to them, use crazy apps to text, or even use FaceTime to make calls so it can’t be traced on the phone bill. The delete history button still goes a long way for them. Then, we chumps, sit here and think they are giving us complete disclosure — when in reality, they are only disclosing what they want us to see. I feel like playing marriage police is an exhausting, never ending, frustrating (cause when they are confronted, they lie) job. I do feel, however, that there is so much available now on the internet to find history on someone.

    • Playing marriage police is a good enough reason to NEVER take back a cheater as far as I am concerned even if he looks like a unicorn. Who wants to spend the rest of their “happy” married lives checking up. Nah, if they don’t want to be with you that’s their loss and they can bugger off!

      • I’m with you Attie. That’s one of the biggest things I noticed after my divorce – the new found energy I had and how my stress level dropped like a rock. Sure I had to worry about starting a new life on my own, but that stress really pales in comparison to the stress of living with somebody who’s lying to you and using you on a daily basis. And I know that a major part of having that new found energy is because I no longer had to play marriage police with my wife every stinking minute of the day.

        It’s impossible to quantify just how exhausting it was chasing/following/worrying about what your cheater is up to next. The spent energy reminded me of when my kids were infants – just exhausting. But at least that passes in time as your kids get older. Cheaters though, they never quit.

        That’s one of the biggest reasons I would suggest to new chumps that taking your cheater back is never worth it – because the work of the marriage police will go on forever. Who wants to deal with that for the rest of their lives? Get your energy back, get your mind back, get your life back……and drop these people while you still have a life to live.

        • Oh, Amen. It’s really, really nice not to give one little flip about who the cheater is texting, calling, snapping, FB messaging, etc. I will say that the cell phone was definitely no friend of marriage, but that is only because cheater has absolutely no moral compass and no shame. He would have found ways to cheat in any era.

          • Maybe the greatest relief that came with my wife’s moving out was not having to hear the incessant “ping” of text messages showing up on her phone. Quite often, the texts were from her boyfriend. I still jerk and twitch when I hear somebody’s phone ping.

            • I feel your pain bro. My wife was cheating and this god awful song (He called me Babe) she had about cheating on her phone, would go off non-stop when the AP called. I’m sure she put that song as her chime to hurt me more. I must have reached MEH because if I hear that song these days, it causes no pain whatsoever. In fact I find it funny at this point.

            • I tried to take advantage of that ping once. One time when I knew ex was off with Schmoopie I sent about fifty short texts hoping the ping would be annoying enough to interrupt whatever it was they were doing (working on her resume, yeah right). Alas, he was too smart for me. He came home and told me “my phone doesn’t ding when I get a text, you should call next time.” Of course I did call next time and he got all indignant with me on the phone. I now realize he set me up. He wanted me to call while he was with her for the triangulation. I was such a sucker.

              I hope you get over that twitch quickly if it means you have reached meh.

            • I cannot agree more… the incessant ding or vibration about sends me into orbit.Reminds me of how my ex never texted before and then later was texting all the time….to his cousin he said… yeah right…. hundreds of daily texts to the OW. Smh. What an idiot I was.

              • My BF almost always leaves the sound turned off on his phone and keeps it face down. That always made me suspicious and after having a look at things when he accidently left it home one day I realized he’s been having flirtations online, texts and calls from old girlfriends, long communications with women where there is not a mention that he is living with someone. No evidence of cheating or emotional investment (so far). I feel guilty for looking, but . ..

          • My wife spent every waking minute with her cell phone next to her, on silent, face down (except when she wasn’t checking it every 2 minutes).

            But whenever I’d call or text her? It would take her hours to respond because “I didn’t see that you called/texted.” Yeah right…..

            • Yeah, face down! That’s one of the things that tipped me off to my wife’s affair — the sudden habit of putting the phone next down. She didn’t figure out the”silent” switch though, for some reason…

              • This should be on the list on how to tell if your spouse is cheating.
                Their phone habits suddenly change, phone face down, ringer turned off and close to them at all times. Sudden urges to run to the bathroom with said phone.
                X put a lock code on his phone which is something he had never done before. If he had lock codes on anything he usually would tell me and give me the code. He refused to give me his phone code and didn’t have a logical explanation as to why.
                He never had a problem with me being around while he was on the phone throughout our twenty year marriage and while we were dating.
                Normally he’d tell me who he was talking to and include me in the conversation.
                He became increasingly mysterious, phone only inches away from him, he’d abruptly grab his phone look at the screen then slither upstairs and lock the bedroom door behind him to talk.
                When he’d come downstairs I’d ask who he was talking to, he was talking to his brother or sister, yeah, right.
                Normally if he was talking to his family members he’d have the phone on speaker.
                In hindsight what he was up to was so obvious .

              • Alas, I didn’t catch on to the whole phone thing. He started a new job about the same time he started cheating. This new job did require a lot of scheduling and coordinating of students, etc. so I thought that is what he was doing. After DDay, however I would get pissed every time I saw him looking at his phone even when it really was work. He used that as an excuse for why reconciliation would be difficult because I didn’t trust him. He was such a coward.

              • The whole putting the phone face down thing doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to me to begin with. I don’t do it simply because I’m worried that I’ll scratch the glass face of the phone or crack it (I have an iphone). So I sit it case side down – because that’s the purpose of the case, to prevent scratches and cracks to the face of the phone.

                But then again, I couldn’t care less who texts me and who knows about it, so it’s never been an issue for me.

            • Yup. I remember during my marriage police efforts and intel gathering phase I checked the phone records and saw 193 calls to her AP. Calls only, god knows how many texts.

              • The FACE DOWN PHONE!!!
                My wife and Mr. McCockinpants ALWAYS did this. I was told that it’s rude to have the phone face up when having a conversation with others….no, what’s rude and distracting is turning your phone over every few seconds to see who is texting you. But once I outed her, she moved to the burner phone, when I found that, she told me she got it to text her sister…LMFAO

              • By the way rickb69,
                My wife’s total for 3 months was:
                5000+ texts
                19+hrs of phone conversations

                But they were ‘just friends’, he was like a brother to her….I have 3 sisters and never once have had the urge to sleep with them

              • 5000 texts! Holy shit! Ex had 500 texts in one month. I thought that was bad! Ex used to take the phone into the shower with him. Wrapped in socks and placed right on the edge of the tub.

        • The thing I don’t get is how the cheaters have the energy to keep up all of the subterfuge. I would think it would get exhausting for them to always have to be one step ahead. How do they even find time for their APs? I guess it is just that much more time away from their families.

          I think that is why ex left when I found out about Schmoopie 2.0. He didn’t have the energy for all of that sneaking around. I guess I was lucky that way.

          • In retrospect, I realized the SpinDoctor must have been so busy lying, texting, and otherwise engaged that he completely missed out on the joy that I felt being in a relationship with him. He’s a sad sausage who sucks.

            I now watch my new BFs actions. Nice 🙂

          • It’s the drama of everything that feeds them. This makes us quite boring to these creeps.

            Figuring shit out and not feeding the potential for drama is what we are good at and makes us endorphin downers for people who love to cause chaos to feel Alive!!

            The emotionally stunted asshole in my life experience could make a car oil change, logsitics of kid pick up/drop off and dinner prep a five horn emergency. He thrived on stirring the pot. His speech, mannerisms and thoughts would RACE. You could feel it like a double shot of espresso. This guy lived life so passively through screens (tv, pc, phone) that unless the real world gave him that rush, he was not engaged at all. Life for him was a Farscape drama without the humor.

            Cheaters have energy in creating drama and creating a soap opera lifestyle. I prefer calm and when a stressful situation presents itself, I’m pretty calm in dealing with the issues productively. I bet all chumps are like this. We are resourceful and resilient.

            • Beautifully written! I can so relate to that! Their inauthenticity is their O2. I came to this exact conclusion with my cheater. It was so puzzling to me but then after DDay and a bit of divorce policing, I started therapy and researching disordered personalities. Ah ha. It really wasn’t that I am just too boring for Mr. Excitement.
              (And I didn’t need to spy as he was very sure that “naive” and “boringly devoted” me would never figure out his shenanigans. The start was just a common cell phone bill and then asking Switzerland friends who spilled it all.)
              My little one sees her dad 1.5 days a week and comes home wanting to tell me about all the drama with X and the OWappliance now that we are divorced. There is so much drama. It’s either terrible or overblown wonderfullness. But, it seems to all be under the heading of chaos to me. I feel such a responsibility to be the opposite for my little one. I have over a decade till I never have to deal with the knucklehead. It is no joke and the hardest thing I have ever done-parallel parenting with a sometimes absent and sometimes obsessive jackass of a dad to my kid.

            • I my God, we must be two sets of twins. My husband spoke to fast, so breathlessly and so bloody loud it just to send my blood pressure through the roof. This was probably partly due to the constant stimulants but EVERYTHING had to revolve round his drama. It was like spending 24/7 in a cattle auction. Like you I like calm, peace and quiet. I don’t miss that AT ALL!

          • Energy drain, like a black hole. I saw my ex-wife age about 20 years during her cheating phase, before I kicked her ass out.

          • Cheaters have time because we pick up all their slack.

            Grocery shopping, meal planning, house work, bill paying, parenting, free time scheduling… oh yeah – and working a real job! All done by us. Who wouldn’t have free time? And, when lying is a natural response, lying isn’t all that hard. I think we give Cheaters too much credit for their inherent nature.

            They suck.

        • Yes to the end of snooping! And that includes monitoring how many ounces are gone from my wine box overnight (using the kitchen scale), how many ounces are gone from the hidden vodka bottle in the back, and whether the beer cans in the driveway recycling even remotely match the “on display” brand sipped on occasionally in the open. Then there are the marijuana edible cookies in the coat pocket … Add all this to the usual cheating monitoring and it was all very exhausting. Why would anyone live that way? I think it all just snuck up and grew
          gradually … listing it out and thinking about what every morning was like for me sounds utterly ridiculous now. Thank goodness it is all in the past. It reminds me that a lot of the unpleasantness I brought on myself by choosing to stay.

        • I’ll second that Amen 🙂 .
          It was a big moment for me when I just said “it is not on me to keep her trustworthy.” No one should EVER have to play marriage police. Why on earth is it up to me to enforce our vows?
          And yes, worrying about where your cheater is and what she’s doing is exhausting. The biggest surprise I got when I finally gave up on her was the huge sense of relief I felt. It was relief from not wondering if I had a faithful spouse. Not my problem anymore!

          • Exactly what I realized when I finally left! I told him to decide what life he wanted to live. I’m quite sure he made his decision before the kids & I left town.

        • How could anyone make love to a cheater after they know about the betrayal? It’s sickening to think about.

      • Love this! “if they don’t want to be with you that’s their loss and they can bugger off!”. That’s how I feel today at meh, 10 months after divorce trial where I was awarded 70% of all assets, and 3 years post DDAY and nearly complete NC, which can be done even with kids. Oh, and I now have a lovely non-cheating BF who adores me and wants to be with me, which feels lovely.

        However, in the dark 18 months following DDay, and especially during the immediate frantic pick me dance and false wreconciliation phase, I could not say this and mean it. I was completely trauma bonded to him, almost felt like an obsession. Even though deep down I knew my pick me efforts were killing my soul, what he was doing to blame ME was outrageous, I just wasn’t there yet. Trauma bonding is real. But, for me, time, reading everything here, reading other resources on narcissistic abuse in the resources, and going NC then filing really helped.

        I’m happy and peaceful today and so grateful that my X of 27 years is completely out of my life. I truly mean that.

        Huge hugs Chump Nation! Especially to you newly minted chumps. I’m so sorry for what you are going through.

        • It’s amazing how the cheaters tear you down to the core, hating on everything that makes you, you. They blame everything down to the atomic level on you.

          Then you reach MEH and are one badass strong mf’er, and the exes are like Chernobyl nuke sites, completely wasted away.

          Winning!

      • I have to say, knowing what I know now about the world, I can’t imagine living in a snooping-free relationship. I wouldn’t want to. And that’s why I’ll probably never want to be in a relationship again.

        I used to think I could trust someone after him, but then he lied some more and the balance just tipped to “nope, trusting no one now anymore”. I could feel the shift inside as it happened.
        At least with cheater you now know where you stand. There’s a twisted comfort in that, for me.

        I’m having a bit of a gloomy, cynical day.

        • Unknown

          It’s part of the manipulation to ensure you never want to trust again.

          I’m not big on the ‘devil you knew’. Abuse from a narcissist requires being objectified. It took years to see all the patterns of manipulation. I had to forgive myself for selling my soul to an evil cunning man who gained power over me because I loved way too much.

          Putting up a barrier for me was self preservation. I had much to process and learn in order to get my identity back from the monster. I wasted a lifetime being battered into believing it was my fault.

          Cynicism has its place.

          Being vulnerable keeps everyone out. I decided to fight for myself. First it was to get out and survive. Then it was to get my power back and take care of my needs. It requires reframing how he defined me and saying fuck no to his lies.

          Allowing yourself to be vulnerable begins with loving yourself. I’ve never experienced being loved by a man. Here I can see there are kind, loving, loyal people who are worthy of being appreciated and treated with respect. I know it’s out there. If I fail I know better than to give up or settle. No one gets to crush my spirit.

        • Cyber Hug.

          At least you know where you stand with that person.

          I prefer due diligence in all future relationships. Listening to my gut, using resources to act in my own best interests and calling out lies and fallacies when presented.

          I actually look forward one day to be in a relationship with someone who capable of an adult relationship. I’m hiding under a rock at this time though.

        • Unknown:

          I have “not looking for a relationship” in my dating-app profiles. It’s contrversial. Women tell me in our chats: “I can get laid easy; it’s the relationship I am seeking.” Yeah, I get that. I am just trying to make some friends of the opposite sex. It’s not going well.

          I have no doubt I’ll fall in love again. I love love. It’s just the relationship part. So now I am that dude who won’t commit to a relationship Awesome.

          It’s fine. High-class problems, no doubt; compared to excavating my heart from a cheater’s abyss – I’ll take it.

          There are good guys out here looking for sexual relationships based on good communication, trust, and friendship. We just have a hard time cutting through the noise of all the shirtless dudes and dick-pic fuckboys.

          Sorry your day is gloomy. You got this!

          • How uplifting ~ I keep the faith that I will meet a man like you while many of my girlfriends have basicly given up that there are men who can commit and just play the game.

    • Headinsand I do agree with you, if cheaters want tp hide their misconduct, they will find a way. There are soooo many apps and websites out there that help folks cheat, its exhausting to try to keep up with.

      I do think that cheaters will eventually get sloppy and comfortable (if they haven’t from the beginning) and that’s usually when they get busted.

      Within 3 days of knowing my STBXH’s whores FIRST name, I was able to google her first name and work title and found out: where she worked, her husband and children’s names, her home address, her Facebook and Etsy page… you name it and I found it. Not that I have done anything with this information, but it helped me create a profile of this slut for my own good. I could “rest easier” (if that’s even possible) at night knowing exactly who he was out with. It wasn’t a mystery anymore.

      • Caught him testing on a Saturday night. Kicked him out Sunday not knowing who the w____ was. Looked at his emails and saw realtors sending emails to him addressed to Joe (not his name). Saw an email giving a link to furniture on Craig’s list from someone at his work. Looked at our phone bill log and found numerous calls to a number but the last names didn’t match. Accessed his ICloud account and found text messages and one mentioned the name of her husband which was the first name on many of the phone calls. Googled both of their names and found an obituary for her dad mentioning both of their names (she had kept her maiden name) Found her husband on Facebook and messaged him and the rest is history. Divorced that POS in February and her divorce should be final this month. Hope they get married cause that is whAt they deserve. She has already cheated on 2 husbands and is ugly inside and out and he is a cheater, liar and a thief. Just wish I could sue him and get those 39 years back but so thankful I never have to deal with him and his trash ever again,

        • Great story!
          You’re one tough lady!
          Proud that you told the husband. Best to tell right away.
          I understand how hard it is after 30+ years but you totally rock.

        • Ihatehim–so sorry for your lost 39 years with that piece of trash, but you are a role model for anyone who suspects (and confirms) their spouse of cheating. Hugs

        • Way to go, ihatehim! You DO rock!

          39 years here myself. My idiot abandoned, but ghosted – refused to speak to me and left me in limbo. He wasn’t technically savvy, so it was a matter of a few minutes for me to reset passwords on a Google mail account I knew he had and . . . BAM! There it all was and it was the fuel I needed to get royally pissed off, work through the hurt, and motivating me to file on him.

          He immediately turned evil and threatened to have his blonde bimbo attorney prosecute me for hacking his email and violating his privacy. My lawyer just laughed.

          Yup. The problem is not what he did, the problem was how I found out.

          • Isn’t it interesting how they always make themselves out to be the victim? Their misconduct is never, ever the issue. Instead, it is always what the betrayed partner “did”, usually while still in shock over learning of the affair, that caused the relationship to fail. This false victimhood is disgusting, but again, has its own chapter in the cheater’s handbook. After all, the best defense is a good offense.

          • That happened to me, too. While passing his computer on the way to the laundry room, an instant message “dinged” and it was the Pandora’s box with every proof he was an epic liar.

            When I confronted him, he threatened to have me arrested for “hacking” his email and violating his privacy.

            I can laugh now, but his venom and speed at how fast he turned monstrous were terrifying at the time.

          • Absolutely. I was accused of “hacking”, when all I was doing was snooping (and gathering evidence). He was also dumb enough to download his work computer to our home computer as he was retiring (but really on the verge of getting fired)!

        • Good for you. 39 years is a lot, but may all your years left on this Earth be peaceful and full of joy. You are one smart cookie!!

        • Good sleuth work! I found out her phone number on bills then her name from friends who live in the community and paid for a background check. Amazing what you can get on the internet. So happy to be done with sleuthing. Looking forward to meh on Tuesday which to me means he is no longer in my brain. Realized driving home from work yesterday that I felt ok and “normal” not sad. Progress! Hugs to us!

    • I listened to asshat try and talk me in to taking him back today. Was enlightening, as my critical mind kicked in and summarised he was full of shit!, was quite entertaining, wow, rather than distressing, think I’m on the way to meh, or I don’t give a fuck, probably the same thing though!
      If cheaters lips are moving they are lying and at best are giving half truths. Online is bs. I have no social media presence and it’s not from not knowing how to do it. For me it’s horse shit and I choose to live in real time in the real world and leave my ego at the door, nothing to prove so channel 1990s realism or fuck off!
      Yes a few glasses of red has bought out my mighty. Namaste and cheers.

      • Ahh, red wine, the nectar of the gods – and good for you for seeing straight through that crap Lady B, I guess it would be funny!

        • Lady, very well said and Bravo!
          Mighty to reject him. I’m one that was never asked hoovered back.

          And, aw shucks to the many of us that are Facebook users. For me? It’s a great tool since everybody I know is far away – family is different and we keep it private but, I’m a big dog show-er and need to stay in touch with people all over the country. We admire each others dog and congratulate and all that….it’s a great community of people and knowledge.
          Something I would never get in Real Time. You can’t travel that much or talk on the phone that much. So, FB works for me! And, for what it’s worth – I have met every single person that I’m a ‘friend’ with, so they’re not phantoms or something.

          • SheChump, real people like you have real stuff on their FB, and they connect there with other real people. But fake people, like the cheating narcs? Something else altogether!

          • Sounds like you get all the positives from FB. I need to keep my life really simple atm to protect my sanity, so I keep away. Am however hooked on you tube life coaching and narc issues and this wonderful site. Without CL I would go back to him for another round of devalue, discard.

    • @headinsand wrote, “The problem with snooping is when the cheaters know that us chumps are snooping.”

      This is why it’s vital that suspicious Chumps should keep their suspicions under wraps. Confront your Cheater only when you let them know you’re filing. The more your Cheater suspects your snooping, the more creative your Cheater will be in hiding the tracks. Hiding the affair is another type of kibble, since Cheaters believe they are oh so much smarter than their chumpy spouses! However, it’s hard to hide everything, so if your Cheater thinks you have no clue, they’ll make the least effort to hide things.

      For Chumps who start to connect the dots between too many late nights at work in conjunction with changes in appearance or sex drive, it’s worth a bit of discrete snooping to convince themselves that they aren’t imagining things. Confronting the Cheater with “you grew a goatee and are staying later at work” will get some major gaslighting in response. Seeing a few incriminating texts or tracking down Schmoopie’s Facebook page in which she posts the two of them on their Disney vacation lets you know that you’re not imagining things.

      But instead of confrontation, get a good lawyer and file. Playing marriage police for the rest of your life is no way to live.

      • Well said, kb.
        I guess I was pretty darn sure my husband would never do that, so I think he thought he was smarter than me. And, I continued not to have a clue. (I didn’t) . And, of course, things started not adding up and progressed as he got more careless.
        He wasn’t very hi-tech (like me) but was very careful about texting and phoning and that’s the only part I couldn’t figure out (no texts, exchanges, etc) except I know it was his ‘work’ phone, which he said he couldn’t accept private messages on. (good grief! I fell for that) . But, that’s also why he couldn’t give me his password, suddenly. TOP SECRET GOVERNMENT! hah! A brokerage company finally gave him a smart phone.

        What actually tipped me off when I got searching through his desk, was a really tiny phone number attached to a numbers-type Bloomberg graph. hmm..why save that? Apparently a colleague gave him the number of a place to stay in romantic Savannah on an upcoming business trip. (probably told friend he wanted to surprise his bride (me) . Ugh.
        So, the awful sleuthing went from that clue and onwards thanks to FindMyIPad, the room he had booked was so incredible. Maybe she booked it as we’d never stayed in a room like that. Wish I could post it here – even had a canopy! $400/night!

        Well, I didn’t tell him a whisper of what I knew until I was ready to present the D papers as a surprise. Then I told him how I’d been tracking his movements for a long time.
        I could hear him flip-out between emails, and the last communication we had was…..”What are YOU? Working for National Security??” I had immense satisfaction. 🙂

  • First off, today’s cartoon is hilarious! Kudos to the artist! Secondly, as it’s been stated here so many times, cheaters do tend to get sloppy, it’s hard to keep things straight when 90% of your words and actions are lies and smoke and mirrors. With today’s tech it’s fairly easy to unravel a cheaters misdeeds, too bad for them

  • I never snooped because none of the idiot’s stuff was conducted online. I only needed to walk past the OK Corrall saloon and I had all the proof I needed. That being said, I can’t wait to hear some of the stories that will come out, although I don’t think anyone will be able to beat the lady who stalked her parrot and HE gave her cheater away!

        • Ha, I can’t remember who wrote it nor most of the details but (as I remember it) for some reason OW was “bird sitting” the parrot. The chump tracked her cheater’s phone to an apartment building (I believe when he said he would be somewhere else). Since the chump spotted his car but didn’t know which apartment he was in she called out “who lives in a pineapple under the sea?” and the parrot called back “I do”! Gotta love that story.

    • Agreed DM – Cheaters will rage at anything that alters the cheater/chump power balance they work so hard to establish… You know, the one where the chump is left in the dark or post-DDay, the cheater can eat cake on demand and watch multiple partners pick me dance to their special-ness.

      Cheaters will cheat, technology will only serve to reveal their duplicity and lack of character.

      Once a spouse finds out they have been cheated on… Well, there isn’t much to do but “leave a cheater, gain a life.” Forge on fellow chumps!

  • My STBXH definitely conned me into believing I needed to prove how much I trusted him, by not snooping through anything. But periodically, I would take advantage of those rare moments I knew I could snoop through his phone or van without getting caught, my heart beating out of my chest with fear of getting caught. So it took a really long time to find any proof, but I knew eventually I would. Because cheaters do get sloppy. But I can recall several times I found proof, that he still managed to gaslight me into believing I hadn’t.

    But the final time was liberating, because I knew it’d be the last time. No more living like that for me! And man am I so much happier!!

    • OMG! Dancing Dick’s favorite gas lighting ploy was: You don’t trust me. Something is wrong with you!
      Or……..You’re not a Christian! You didn’t forgive me for my past infidelities!

        • But the lying, cheating adulterer is a good Christian? Talk about self-delusion. Cheaters are the masters of it!

        • Yes, I call myself a Christian. Jesus says, “Love your neighbor as yourself.” That means we are supposed to be kind and protective of ourselves as well as other people, not have sex with the married neighbor.

      • On Dday during the GTFO, packing his clothes, I called the locksmith to come on change the locks. He “had” to leave the house. Texted after some time to let him know when the locksmith was gone. When he returned he was all pissy looking. I asked him what was the problem. He said “you don’t trust me!” REALLY? “I said I trusted you with my heart and look what you did to that!” Shut him the hell up in a nanosecond. Idiot!

          • Yeah and still the Limited feels he has to adjust the narrative. Now it’s he wanted to leave but I wouldn’t let him.

            Guessing all’s not well in cuntville land if he feels the need to make new shit up. I’m giessing it’s a practice run to see how the new supply will react.

            Speaking of snooping. I can’t imagine the burden the OW has now that it’s her hobby. One can say, he won’t cheat on me. But she was well aware he cheated while married. She has complete access to his phone and aware his business line has multiple numbers.

            The very best sign is that he moved her from her comfort zone to the town he found his supply for years. He takes her to the rocky beach he used to go to with miss 2010. Guess who he’s circling back on? Sharon. Laughing to think she had no idea.

      • Me and my sons are called the Judgemental Christians because we do not forgive him his past sins against us. (we are no longer letting him call the shots) He has gone as far as to write his family about how I am a judgemental Christian who does church wrong.

        • It’s not “judgmental” to not “forgive” someone who is not sorry and does the DARVO–Deny, And Reverse Victim and Offender.

  • Hope it’s ok to post this, but I saw this a while ago, and then it popped up on my FB feed and it’s just so good!! Madea’s “Let Them Go” advice.

    So if you haven’t seen it, definitely watch it! And if you’ve seen it, then enjoy it again!

  • I agree that even with all the stealthy technology available to the cheater- sooner or later they get sloppy.
    Besides…..we can sense that something is up.

    Our radar starts beeping when we start to suspect the cheater is cheating. As spouses/significant others……..we do have a right to protect ourselves…..prepare ourselves for the worst. Even if the cheater protests we are violating his/her privacy.

    Snooping isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Even with hard core evidence (print outs of Dancing Dick’s disgusting online activities)- he still denied it! Even so….snooping helped me make a decision to cut myself loose from a lying, deceptive pervert.

    • It’s the trickle truth thing. You have evidence? They’ll either deny it through some fancy gaslighting or they’ll tell you only what you already know. Pictures of the two of them at a beach resort? Oh, that was where the professional training seminar was held. And wouldn’t you know it but look who else from the company was there! Nope, no affair at all. Just business. In bikini wear. Sipping Mai Tais.

    • I liked an answer I found on a different discussion on the Internet. Adressing snooping, someone said “privacy is for single people”. I love that quote! What is so unsharable with your spouse? I draw the line at bathroom privacy and that’s it. I have zero secrets beyond that, I’m an open book and want it that way!
      That blonde guys boards I have on Pinterest? Yeah, what about them, ain’t they cute?
      He’s all about “I don’t want you inside my head”. Well, then I don’t want you in my vagina, sir, for starters.

  • My XW feigned some outrage when she discovered I’d snooped on her. And I felt so guilty that I stopped AND gave her the password to our shared Verizon account (where I saw that she kept texting one specific number repeatedly) as a measure of good faith.

    Her response? To head to the Verizon store and open a separate account for her phone.

    Problem solved. I was both apologetic about snooping AND she’d ensured I couldn’t snoop anymore.

    (Except for the part about fucking another guy; she was still doing that.)

    • My ex told me it was my own fault I was hurt by the info I discovered when snooping. But when he snidely said “That’s nice” when I told hi, how I gathered the proof, I told him he had no standing on moral ground. Asshole. I’m glad he’s out of my life.

  • Face recognition makes phones impossible to open without cheater’s permission.
    Not that anyone wants to play marriage police but it makes it harder to collect information about what they’re up to. If the affair is secret and you’re trying to collect information, this is an impediment.
    Getting subpoenas for records is costly and difficult. I had an expensive divorce (was worth every penny) with a high-profile legal team and I still had to give up on obtaining a lot of records, including credit card and bank statements and phone records.
    The ex and the OW have been careful on any social media because they’re co-workers.
    Best to walk away and not look back, especially on social media.
    I keep reminding myself that snooping is like an alcoholic just having a small drink or a junkie having an occasional fix. Cold turkey is the only way to go.
    I wish I could say I’m totally there but I’m not. I’m still afraid of finding out things I don’t know (I wonder why I would feel like that after finding out I was cheated on?). A work in progress.

    • I heard that sometimes kids can open their parents’ phones when using face recognition (on the iPhone X. So all is not yet lost!

      • I heard a large photo of their face works also, not sure if true.
        Wish I had smashed his phone when I saw all those photos, oh well did manage a wack upside the head and a swift punch in the ribs. Don’t regret it either.

    • Nah, in some way it does but it’s a false sense of security. Remember, they’re lazy and pretty stupid because of their entitlement. When they think they have you conned, they start to slip up. It all comes out in the wash. Mine left paperwork around and her new beau, before her return to the old beau left a huge social media footprint. Fuckwits.

    • How I’d handle that: If a spouse won’t sit down and open the phone and hand it to you, if you can’t access Facebook and email, if there are charges on credit and debit cards that can’t be explained in a reasonable way, you shouldn’t be married to that person. There is nothing on my phone that other people can’t see so that should be true of anyone I am intimate with. The VKM and I hand the phone to each other all the time if we are driving somewhere because we don’t have secrets.

    • Rebecca, I completely agree about the alcoholic and junkie comparison. I finally got proof of my wife’s second affair at the end of October. After confronting her, she changed the passcode on her phone. I consider that a blessing because now I can’t snoop anymore. Since my wife now says she wants to work on things (I’m on the fence but leaning toward divorce), I feel urges to snoop to try to keep tabs on her, but snooping is stressful, time-consuming, and depressing (I shouldn’t have to check up on my wife). I just keep telling myself, “You have your proof; what else do you need to find?” Plus, as others have said, every time I confront my wife, that allows her to get smarter since she now knows where I’m getting my information. Also, there are so many apps, there is no way I’d be able to check every form of communication.

      If you’ve walked away, I wouldn’t suggest finding out more. That’s just more pain for you and will keep you from moving on. Plus you will never know the whole truth. Good luck getting to meh. I’m nowhere close to that yet. I’m still trying to decide if forgiveness and trust after my wife’s affairs are possible.

      • I moved out just over a month ago. I did it because it’s what I was supposed to do. Regretting it every day. I miss him, I hate not having a partner to discuss things with. I want to share a good bottle of wine. Instead the friends who told me this was for the best, are off spending holidays with their families and it’s not occurred to anyone that I am alone, shuffling a child back and forth to the beautiful home that I chose and decorated. Think long and hard before you give up on a marriage..

        • Big Loser, I understand your feelings, but keep in mind this is all still fresh for you. Even if divorce is what you want, it will still take time to heal, move on, and create your new life (getting to meh takes a long time). Is your husband willing to try to reconcile? If so, you can always give it another shot all the way until the divorce is final.

          I’m still here because I’m not yet ready to give up on my marriage. I’m not sure why because I have visions of being a single dad and not having to deal with her crap anymore; I think because of my kids and partly due to my Catholic upbringing (I feel a strong urge to always forgive even if it goes against what I want or think is right). All of the advice on this site says it’s going to suck for a while. Unfortunately that’s just part of it. It’s not fair, but part of the process. In the end, you have to do what you think is best for you and your child. That’s the hardest thing for me; it’s not black and white.

          The alternative to what you did is how I’m living. Whenever I’m home with my wife, my anxiety is through the roof. I have trouble having a conversation with her longer than 2 minutes because I start getting angry for what she has done to us. I’m critical of everything she does, and I’m resentful for her actions. She is dragging her feet and hasn’t yet shown true remorse. She needs to “go at her own pace and can’t be rushed.” She may run out of time. I’m not sure how much longer I can live like this. There is only so much someone can take.

          Hugs

          • I am 60 and never imagined this. Yesterday would have been my 28th wedding anniversary and this year 37 years together. Today is 12 months from DDAY. However how hard it is; & the fear I hold for my future; believe me. You are better than this and you deserve more! I may be alone for my life but I am not playing companion and care giver to a liar and an oxygen thief! I will continue to be involved in my community; be present in my adult children’s lives and contribute to my society with peace, love & integrity. I have peace; not duplicity, deceit dishonesty anxiety and fear. Count your blessings and move on! This old way of life is no way to live!

        • It takes a lot of time.

          I get the alone thing – especially at the holidays. Everyone our age is with family and friends and they don’t understand. Trust me – many Christmas mornings waking up by myself because “it’s not my year”.
          My husband and his family were my family – until they weren’t.

          I am almost 6 years out. I would rather eat dirt than live a fake life. – you can’t go back.

          Only a chump would understand the huge hole in your heart. Keep reading Chumplady and know that you aren’t alone. It will get better. Never the same – but you will heal!

  • Oh! I forgot!

    One of the first women I dated post-marriage was very upset that she couldn’t find me on social media (I do LinkedIn, but that’s it). She and I met on jury duty, and she was very open about her efforts to stalk me prior to our first date.

    She said it was very frustrating to have to rely simply on her own assessment of me and my character, although she acknowledged that our social media “selves” are hardly genuine.

  • My cheater (back in the Nokia flip phone era) had his mistress in his phone under another name. He tried it again in the iPhone era.
    He actually tried it all…..deleting messages( so you have to look at the bill to see what texts don’t line up with what’s on his phone).
    Both times he tried the name change thing ( probably more than that) you figure it out by saying “ why would he be texting John…at 3am??” That’s when you figure out there’s no John.
    Burner phone……been there.
    GPS tracked him to the actual parking spot at a hotel when he said he was working. He said it was a mistake…..that he was “near there” and that’s not accurate.
    As I write this I can’t believe I stayed.
    Any inkling that you know what’s going on just makes their dumb asses get more creative.
    No truer words ever spoken…..if you feel like you need to be the marriage police, just go.

    • Mine had a burner phone multiple times. And also had his whore listed in his phone under a guy’s name, but that was HER burner phone. Because he’d dialed her actual number using *67 (so her husband wouldn’t see his call to her). And that’s how I found out that he was with her again, because he was passed out on the couch, and I took advantage to look through his phone which he’d left on the table.

      And then saw a text from the night before from someone named “Steve,” who apparently couldn’t wait for their evening out, which was not to include swimming as “Steve” was wearing a black dress my STBXH was going to like. Because it was also super tight.

      So I took photos of those, and waited a few days before contacting “Steve’s” husband who confirmed that “Steve” had indeed gone out that Sat night and had been wearing a little, tight black dress.

      And the rest is history folks! Had already found a lawyer and made the first payment the same day I’d talked to “Steve’s” husband.

      • I am laughing so hard because that is the name my EX used for his mistress “Steve” on his phone, at first I thought he was gay than it dawned on me what was going on… LOL Steve was playing 50 shades of gray with him and being all submissive. barf.

    • Ah yes, throw away phones, used by drug dealers and cheaters everywhere. After a very public and painful outing, X swore he would do anything to keep our marriage together, including marriage counseling. So you can imagine my surprise (and his) when I got in his car to go to an appointment and there was a burner phone on the front seat.

      He fought me for it like it was the Holy Grail and threw it out the car window while we were on the highway going 65 plus mph! Don’t know why he bothered, though, because his conduct told me everything I needed to know about what he was still up to. I was done.

      From that day forward, the only thing I worked on was making sure my kids were taken care of financially. We never so much as slept in the same room after that discovery.

      • In some ways these finds as tragic and heart breaking as they are set you on to the path of freedom as there is zero doubt that they are soulless bastards.

    • Yes!!!!!! “If you feel like you need to be the marriage police just go!” BOOM

      it’s over the minute you feel like doing that but it’s so hard to go, especially when you have 25+ years invested, 4 kids, houses, pets, friends, extended family, traditions, a lifetime together and you thought (were conned) into thinking you were with your soulmate and best friend who held the same values. Not. It’s a terrifying change.

      • I agree itis hard to let go of what has been your life. I don’t want to believe that my neatly thirty years with my STBXW has blown up around me. I so badly wanted to fix our marriage when I began to find out things. I didn’t snoop, and don’t feel I should have to, we are both adults and made a commitment. If it’s done on one side, then it is done. As much as I wanted to fix things, my STBXW told me she had nothing left for me. She asked me, “Why would you want tobe with someone who doesn’t love you?”

        If your partner can’t see your love, can’t respect what you do, and has got to the point that you need to police them or snoop on them, you are better off getting your shit together, taking care of yourself, and work on rebuilding your life. This isn’t easy, I know. Near the beginning, I didn’t want to be alive anymore, but I did what I needed to do to look after myself and my kids.

        I was trusting and was blindsided. I hope someday to have the chance to trust someone with my heart again. I won’t be snooping then either. If I have to treat my partner like a child, they don’t belong in a relationship with me, I have f
        adult children for goodness sake!

        • The hardest parts are getting through the initial emotional agony, letting go of the past and the idealized future, and the fear of the unknown. Those things require courage and strength and belief in yourself.

          • Letting go of the “idealized future” is a huge hurdle for me. My family and life is going to forever be changed, even if we reconcile. Sometimes I look at a family photo and just cry because even images of the past don’t have the same happy feeling.

        • Canadian Dad,
          I feel much like you do. I never snooped on my husband not my latest boyfriend. My serial cheater husband electronically snooped on me for years although I never tried to cheat on him nor hide anything from him. I don’t think that electronically snooping on my husband nor my last boyfriend would have helped me realize anything (them straying, lying, whatever) sooner as bothbof them found my replacements at work and thus didn’t need to communicate with my replacements through any electronic medium–they got to communicate ‘in person.’ I, the loyal partner was relegated to electronic communication–until my partners were completely done with me (they thought I no longer had any value–like a tarantula’s prey after being bled dry).

      • Yes— this is the hardest truth in the world, but IT’S OVER the minute you feel like marriage policing, and you start looking for clues. In retrospect, my marriage was over the minute he changed his iCloud settings to stop me from seeing his texts to “a friend” from work. A little over a month later, he walked out. Wish I could have done my final month living with him a lot differently. Wish I had found CL/CN in time, and had started lining up ducks secretly, and had never, ever confronted him.

        In my next serious relationship, it’s gotta be open and honest everything or I’m outta there ASAP. He can look at all of my communications anytime and vice versa.

  • Prior to becoming a stay at home mom 25 years ago, I had a jobs that were investigative in nature. I often remark how different (and easier) it would have been with cell phones and the internet.

    I have always been a very open and trusting person whereas fuckwit was private and paranoid. Now I see why. I would think who cares if people hack my info unless they are going to steal from me, I have nothing to hide. Fuckwit would go to conferences about computer security and take it all to heart.

    So many of your comments hit home today CL. First, fuckwit runs his own business and prior worked for Mommy and daddy who hold him accountable for nothing so he doesn’t have to worry too much about people seeing what he does- makes image management that much easier.

    It was damn hard to get proof of fuckwit’s adultery even though he was happy to rub it in my face, he was extremely careful not to put anything in writing or leave evidence. I finally got some evidence after months of investigation but he and whore are still pleading the fifth and making it difficult.

    Your point about the crime of snooping is well taken. In my deposition, I was asked about going on fuckwit’s Facebook page and “pretending to be him” when I friend requested his whore and her husband (a moment of impulse)- his lawyer asked if I thought that was wrong. My lawyer said I nailed it when I looked at him incredulously and said, I just found out my husband had been cheating on me for years, I think it was pretty normal to want to see what he had been up to.

  • After my lawyer and I submitted our documentation to the court for the first hearing, outlining our reasons for my request for majority custody, KK left printouts (given to her by her lawyer, I’m sure) of articles and briefs related to computer hacking, definitions of same, penalties and liabilities, etc. out for me to “find.”

    This was followed up by a letter from her attorney to mine, alleging that I “hacked” into her text messages, was in violation of several legal statutes and acts, and must stop all such conduct. We simply sent a letter back, combatting any suggestion that I might have committed a criminal act. It never came up again as an issue throughout the remainder of the process.

    CL is of course correct in her indignation of cheaters when they’re caught — KK was SO shocked and wondered how she could ever trust me again when I found out about the Carrot Singer’s visit that led to the confrontation. And CL is correct again in her observation that we now live in a world where you can find out virtually anything about anyone is you’re even moderately tech savvy.

    But there are legal issues to consider, and the last thing any of us should want is for a chump to incur further damage or injustice by committing a legal violation in the quest for truth. PLEASE tread carefully when doing so — fine lines abound.

    • I read a recent article I wish I’d saved where a judge ruled there can be no expectation of privacy between married couples. Think about it, what should you not share with a spouse if you are honest about your dealings in life. I never considered hiding anything from my ex. I don’t want a spouse I can’t be open. What is the point?

    • That’s why hiring a private investigator is a good dea. They will get better information and do it is a way that keeps you out of the collection process.

  • My ex had:
    A secret email account
    A secret Facebook account
    A burner phone that he hid in the stained glass window of the church sanctuary (where he was the pastor)
    Secret trips, under the guise of church conferences and meetings, paid for by the church
    Skype from his office computer
    An OW who would come to our city, rent a hotel room, and be satisfied with him spending an afternoon there

    I had:
    Ants in my bathroom, which would never go away no matter how much pest control I used, which I viewed as a sign of a pestilence in my life (yes, I know it’s weird, but I believe it was God telling me to pay attention)
    Accidentally seeing an email
    And eventually I bought spyware and a voice activated recorder

    • Oh, Twitching… I hope the congregation knows what kind of twisted person is/was pastoring them!?!

      I missed about a million signs. But, I finally caught on when I noticed ex’s computer and cell phone habits had changed. I thank God for giving me strength during those awful days of discovery…

    • Not weird. I asked my higher power with my hands in prayer on my forehead like a Hindu for a sign that this affair was not an online affair only, my gut had been going wild. Less than a week later boom. He hands me his phone which he thinks he has wiped. I hit google chrome and it launches into her album documenting their affair. 600 photos worth. Thank you God.

    • Twitching…you and I were married to the exact same man – right down to the conferences.

      Being a Minister’s wife and living in a fishbowl type existence is a special type of hell.

      And somehow the spouse is painted as a crazy to not only friends and family but the whole congregation.

      Jesus Cheater Pastors are a special type of fucked up!

  • I know!! I almost roflol when I read all these sanctimonious hypocrites crying about “privacy”! F’ em and the shmoopie they rode in on.

  • And the worst offenders of snooper outrage … our legal system! You discovered your ex has an offshore account where he’s funneling the family fortune? No, no, let’s not address that account, let’s address how you found out about it! Stealing food from the mouths of your children to fund your bank account, well we frown upon that, stop doing it. You entered a computer without permission? The computer that’s been sitting on YOUR desk, in YOUR home, using YOUR internet connection? that will be 10 Years in prison, revocation of custody rights, and you now have lost any right to the funds in that offshore account! YOU CRIMINAL!

    I find in cheating and divorce situations the burden of proof falls on the innocent, but god forbid you might obtain that information in a way that is seen as sneaky. “Oh, let’s not addresses the sneakiness of the real offender, what matters is how you found out they were being sneaky”

    Hey, google can monitor your browsing habits that you agreed to (but didn’t know it) simply by using their search engine. They can store a bit of code on your computer to see where you’ve been on the web, but god forbid your spouse did such a thing… I mean really, what kind of awful spouse would think that their lives, families, and assets should be more important than their cheating, lying spouses privacy! Imagine a world were an innocent spouse thought their lives were more important than serving up ads better suited to their cheaters preferences for the best latex free dildos! Oh what a horrid world it would be… we would effectively disarm the power and control of deception, level the playing field, strip the deceivers of their blindfolds, and arm them with boxing gloves to enter the ring for a fair fight! Oh the horror

    Yep, a little bitter today! Finally got discovery (after 2.5 years) of the stock account (that was in his name), the one I kept telling my attorney I was worried about! He blew through $ 1,002,071. In 2.5 years! Are you kidding me! And since she didn’t file a freeze I’m pretty sure I’m just taking that loss up the ass! God forbid the friggin law gave me any rights to have access to a marital account! So he walks away having a house paid for with cash, and 2 years of living it up, while providing his wife of 16 years with $1500 a month to live on and pay bills! What is wrong with our legal system!

      • Got-a-brain, I’m so sorry if you’re right that the money is lost to you. I hope the karma bus is round the next bend waiting for him. Hugs to you.

    • I am so angry for you! If there was an order prohibiting the parties from dissipating marital funds, a competent lawyer can move to hold your X in contempt. If his lawyer in any way assisted this fraud, that lawyer is subject to disciplinary proceedings. If there is still time, find competent legal counsel to take your case and go after these crooks.

    • If your lawyer didn’t file a freeze on spending assets when you first filed, fire her immediately, because that is standard procedure!

  • I know it’s easier said then done, but my suggestion to new chumps is to go ahead and do what you have to do to confirm your suspicions (your gut is usually right) – but if at all humanly possible – never give up your source(s) of the information. Try to avoid this as much as possible – blame anonymous tips if need be. But never disclose your sources.

    Otherwise, you will cut off that source of information as 99% of cheaters will just find a new strategy. It becomes like a real life “Whack-A-Mole” game.

    • Agreed! It took me a long time to learn to keep my mouth shut 🤐 🤷‍♀️. I thought if I could reveal the evidence it would force a confession. NOPE! They just look at you like a puppy, cock their head to the side, put on a sad face, and feign concern for your mental health. Yep, it’s a chumps lying eyes and deteriorating mental heath that are the real problems… it couldn’t possibly be the evidence that came from their computer.

      • I third the suggestion … early on, what I found was so shocking, I figured that was all of it — and I confronted. Bad move. Really, really bad move. He destroyed one particular computer (purposefully, in hindsight) before I understood how much data would be available to me on it.

        Then I realized I had only scratched the surface of his BS (over two decades worth).

        Ah well, the other 5 tech devices (including an iPod) are enough for court. Just would have been nice to full data from all of the devices.

    • So true. When I caught my cheater I checked his phone when he went to bed. Alas his claims of spending New Year’s Eve with work buddies went up in smoke once I discovered his Uber app. He was thorough enough to leave the driver a note that “we” were under the outdoor heater in front of the four seasons hotel. When I woke him to ask again where he was he repeated the lie. I then told him a friend of mine saw him what looked to be a prostitute. Bam…the flood gates opened. He admitted he was with his “girlfriend” of one year and he had been dating for 4 years. Of course turns out it was much longer than that but it was a start.
      Also when I GPSed his car and saw he was at slutty’s during wreckonciliation when he said he was at therapy, I busted him by saying I could tell by his voice that he was lying. That was the last straw and I kicked his sorry ass out after that. Life is now quite good 🙂

      • Your sleuthing skills are mighty!!! His note to the Uber driver — love that you found it, and that it was a total bombshell. Rock on!

  • Well, my ex was so ludicrously bad at covering his tracks that no snooping was required. Just a healthy level of common sense applied to his fantastical lies. Once challenged he brought out his fall-back lies which were laughable in their desperation. When he realised that wasn’t working – he ran for it.

    • Same here .
      After being confronted on a sex dating site a week after kicking him out , he denied it , I should him the screen shot of his smug face on profile that he didn’t even attempt to hide . Blamed me at first , then tried to tell me he was looking for business partners ! I must really look stupid .
      Divorced his ass 60 days later ….
      Bye Felicia

  • Had a counselor tell me once I shouldn’t have snooped on ex’s phone . He told me it was unethical and an invasion of privacy .
    He asked “ How would you feel if he was looking on your phone ?”
    I replied “ I could care less , that’s why I never had a passcode on it . I have nothing to hide .”
    He just kinda looked at me .
    When it comes to my health , financial stability and emotional well being I’ll do what I have to do . I never went back to that counselor either .
    Side note ; found out later the counselor , a 46 year old , had not so much as had a serious gf and lived with his momma ….pffffttt.

    • Our a**hole MC also criticized me for “snooping” and complained that so many of his clients ” had problems because people did not respect each other’s privacy.”(Seriously, dude, THAT’S the problem?) I responded by asking, “So, are you saying it would have been better that I didn’t see the texts and know he was cheating?”
      He also questioned who paid the phone bill, like if it was dear old hubby, I REALLY would’ve been out of line. But since I paid for virtually everything, including the crappy MC, he didn’t have a leg to stand on.

      • WTH, that’s like saying we have a problem with speeding because of speed cameras. Hope you got rid of that bozo along with your cheater!

      • I’m my experience I have got more benefit from this site and you tube than any councillor and would go as far as saying they had little insight into anything. I won’t be seeing one again.

  • My friend suspected something wasn’t right during a relationship with a guy a couple of years ago. A little after their relationship turned serious, she began to suspect he was seeing someone else (he had claimed he was completely unattached, and, wanted a “committed” relationship with her). In all appearances, it seemed as if he was leading a double life. Yep. One day, she got ahold of his phone and looked at his texts. Sure enough, there was a text that contained a hook-up conversation with a woman.

    My friend took the woman’s knick-name and phone number; did a phone ownership search, matched the knick-name with the owner’s *relative*(!) Bingo!! Found her on Facebook. ALL descriptions matched up quite nicely. This woman was/is married, and posts religious stuff on her page ALL the time!!

    Cheater was ghosted by my friend! Buh-bye!

  • The thing of it is, if your spidey-sense is tingling enough that you have to “snoop” then you already know the answer… your dating or married to Slim Shady.

    As CL reminds us time and again, the cheaters are not original. Not one iota of imagination or original thought among them (when compared here in the aggregate). Yet, they think themselves quite stealth. And, as expected, when caught, they back-pedal and try to rewrite history.

    For me, my whole body was tingling so I took a gander at our cell phones records (I paid the bills). I had never done this before but in the very month I was looking at there were 20 or so numbers I didn’t recognize… so I googled them… Craigslist Hooker jackpot. Now, for Mr. Sparkles, that was proof of nothing. He never met any of them, he was just lonely and curious… 20 times in one month.

    A fellow chump and close friend was going through the same tinglings and installed a spyware on his home computer to monitor his wife’s activity. I thought, ok, in for a penny, in for a pound. Within 24 hours I had his email aliases (good Lord, how to keep track of all them?) and because he is so lazy I found an email trash folder with 6 months history sitting in it. I discovered he could go out to dinner with me for Valentine’s Day and then while I was putting our son to bed upon returning home, he could fire off 10 email responses to personal ads running the gamut from BiMWM to DWM to SWM to MWM… you name your preference, women/couples/groups… he was your guy. Meanwhile, my Valentine’s dinner was still digesting.

    THIS. IS. WHO. HE. IS. But you know what, I stayed another SIX YEARS and did everything the MCs said to do (even his half of homework)!. And, he still left me for someone else.

    And guess what gaslighting trick he led with there… he told her (the OW) that he had known I had put spyware on the computer and purposely sent emails to personal ads to spite me. And, she felt sorry for him having to experience that violation and understood his response (don’t get me started on that one). But the thing I had that they didn’t… I had the truth (and a receipt indicating date of purchase on the software that doesn’t corroborate his story).

    Do I regret snooping? Nope. Would I do it again before I become serious with someone. You betcha. Because in the light of day or in the light glow of a computer screen, you won’t find a shady thing about me.

    Still can’t say the same for Mr. Sparkles who went on to cheat on the OW with an ad he placed on AdultFriendFinder.

    #winning

    • “The thing of it is, if your spidey-sense is tingling enough that you have to “snoop” then you already know the answer”.

      I had never, ever snooped on my wife, who I’d lived with for 5 years. And then one morning she upped and declared she was going to a conference and wouldn’t be home tonight. Like, fucking, what? What conference are you going to? “Oh, I’m not sure, it slipped my mind it was today”, well, where is it? “Oh it’s in (x)”, Ok well i’m looking on eventbrite for conferences in (x) and I can’t see any. “Oh well it might be an office visit actually, i’m not sure. Got to go, i’ll text you later, love you, bye”.

      My spidey-sense was doing backflips at that point. I opened her laptop and the first thing that popped up was a calendar notification of a hotel booking, not even in the part of the country she told me she was headed to. Her emails & her browser history further condemned her. But none of that would have happened if it wasn’t for the weird-ass, out of character behaviour.

      That said, I was one of the lucky ones. Some people are with cheaters who are such polished liars that they never see the acting out. I think that’s especially true when you meet someone who is already an accomplished cheater. I pity the next guy to try to have a serious relationship with my ex-wife, he’ll have no idea what a mess he’s getting into.

      • You dodged a bullet, MC, no doubt about it!

        We’re members of a club no one wants to join and yet I’d rather be here than be back in that marriage with a bisexual pathological lying cheater.

    • FOund the same on my exes phone a few weeks ago….. but here is how ….the blocked numbers!!!!!!! He had about 46 blocked local numbers. I have none…..I googled and a handful were local escorts. The others likely cancelled lines but also escorts. I’m so curious why blocked and how he had the time to find all this……

  • When I confronted him about girlfriend #2 and everything I knew about her, he couldn’t squirm his way out of it and asked how did I find out all the information I did uncover (he didn’t even know some of it). Everything at that point was on the internet so public knowledge, but I also pointed out to him that he cheated on the wrong person – I used to work with a private detective back in the 80s and research was my specialty. He said he had forgotten about that lol Since I knew he would get sneakier after that, I put a keylogger on the computer that would send reports to my email on a daily basis. Helped immensely in ensuring that we were protected from his insanity and lies. Oh boy, the lies he told. But knowing the truth, I could ignore them, let him think I believed him, and focus on protecting us from what was really happening. Keylogger lasted a year, didn’t renew the subscription, but it was well worth it for protecting my family from those idiots.

  • There’s a certain pleasure in conning a loyal spouse. Much if the evidence was right there. Funny how it was in plain sight yet he banked on trusting I wouldn’t open his drawer or glove compartment where the evidence was placed.

    In hindsight I was married to a monster. The letters from Dianna were found after she visited me in the hospital. And she was pregnant when she broke it off. I’m not sure he knew. I figured out the timeline years later when her son died.

    The sleazy current OW asked why I stayed. I just kept believing his lies. A better question is why they stay.

    He got off on duping me year after year. I had everything he lacked, I was human.

    It took a lot of unraveling to know he’s pure evil and to detach. I’m sure there’s much I still don’t know.

    He is forever stuck in the infatuation stage of wanting power over whom ever he’s with. He can not change.

    It was never about anyone being better. I’m sure many he hit on considered him a creep.

    He actually bragged that she knew he was married and didn’t care. Jackpot right there.

    What he didn’t know was that I had access to phone records and access to his messages. He charged the hotel room and booked it a day before.

    Huge red flags are alcoholism and getting high daily. Predators cheat. Staying racks up more pain.

    By the time they go underground you can guarantee they are planning the discard.

  • I recently used social media to help me with closure. I could see that evil sex addicted ex husband had a new girlfriend, and I felt terrified for her and had an urge to contact her. Instead, I used myFacebook to leave a clue (a breadcrumb in the forest?). All my posts are for friends only — but I left one public post about cheaters – and how they don’t really love you — for her and any other future women in his life to find. They won’t know for sure that it’s about our marriage, but at least they can guess that maybe it is. Now I feel that I have left a clue and also left them alone.

  • It’s pretty easy to find out things without any chicanery at all once they get sloppy, which they inevitably do, because they have this core belief that they are untouchably above it all.

    One of the things I figured out fairly early on is that the OW posted a selfie to FB that was just a crop of one of the sex pics he took of he and kept on his phone (and that DD killingly saw).

    And that’s the sort of thing that apparently floats their boats on the cesspool in which they function.

    Relieved to be totally NC with all that.

  • Be wary of those cheaters who act ignorant, baffled and confused by technology of any sort. I found out the hard way that the cheater was really skilled at hiding what he was doing in the internet. It all came to light when I came home one day to my house surrounded by police car, police in flack vests walking around and was met by the head the state’s internet crimes against children task force with a subpoena to confiscate all of computers, tablets and phones. My daughter was home alone and was already being interviewed by a state cop, and a member of ICE. Apparently, in an attempt to cover his tracks after posting photos of me with the intent to publicly shame me for something from my past he downloaded a photo that had been marked as child pornography. I was served the subpoena because I was the account holder for our service provider. We were very lucky we didn’t lose everything in that fiasco.

    He was also really skilled with his phone, too, although he complained constantly about struggling with working with it. But I found it curious how skilled he was at deleting the history of his calls and texts to the OW.

    • I agree Googoleme. Years ago he got caught when he was accessing porn and it was charged through the phone line. He blamed it in his son. We’re talkung a few thousand dollars.
      In 2014 he accesec child porn, by mistake of course. Silly me, I believed him and my therapist felt confident it was no accident. Good God denial was a force well practiced in my case.

      The man couldn’t plan a date never mind a vacation. He spent hours booking a trip with the whore weeks after Dday on the computer.

      There are no limits to their deviant minds. I truly believe he wanted me so broken I’d kill Myself. He pushed hard. His day is coming. I’ll take great pleasure in his downfall. It will be consequences he’s earned.

    • My cheater wife would always feign ignorance about “all that technical stuff” in my presence. It turned out she was an expert in graphics, video compression, network systems engineering, site security, and disaster backup recovery.

      Right up until she bricked her phone after she forgot what security code she used that week (she changed it weekly to stay ahead of me). She was lazy and handed the phone to me to spend three hours fixing it for her. I used a previous back-up that had a bunch of her stored videos, texts, and thousands of photos between her and her fuckbuddies. I even unlocked her secret photo-vault collection.

      Oh the righteous indignation that I had snooped and invaded her privacy. I gave her her precious phone back by shattering it into a million pieces.

    • Well, in a sad way — it’s good to know I’m not alone. Serial cheating jackass always acted like he just didn’t understand computers, hated typing, etc. He would always ask me to help him when it came to computer use. Hahahahahahha … completely fooled me … for two fucking decades.

      Jackass was a porn-obsessed freak. 20+ hours a week, every week. I had NO clue. I discovered he would wait until I went to bed, or left the house (even when he was caring for the kids), and/or when he was at work … then it was PORN time for the freak of nature. I’m still trying to wrap my head around this. For decades, I went to bed with my husband and woke up with my husband — I never knew he disappeared for multiple hours every single night.

      Worse, he was always tired — and blamed “working SO hard” for me and the kids … and occasionally implied how ungrateful we were because he worked so hard. Fucking asshole. He was tired because he was watching porn ALL THE TIME and risking those jobs he claimed to be working so hard at. Yeah, watching porn for several hours a day while at work (in my book, this is STEALING from the employer — because he was certainly not being paid to watch porn).

      I’m still pissed he duped me so badly for so long.

  • I never snooped on ex so he didn’t have grounds to get indignant about that. Instead he got indignant about me telling my Dad and a handful of others about Schmoopie when I was distraught after DDay and needed comfort from people who cared. He was also upset with me for providing details of the divorce to his mom. It was just facts about custody arrangements and asset splits (I keep the house so the kids and I don’t have to move) that I thought might be of interest to her and that he hadn’t bothered to mention.

    Then there was also the time I was confiding my troubles to one (just the one) of the other mom’s at a cub scout event. I was feeling particularly down that day and needed to talk. It turns out that was Schmoopie 1.0 (several months after their affair had ended). When he was confessing that Schmoopie 2.0 wasn’t his first, he made sure to give me a hard time about “telling everyone” about our private business, so I would be feeling too guilty myself at that moment to think him a dick for having cheated on me more than I realized.

    They will always find some way to make the one in the wrong.

  • D day came via a phone call from a nasty stripper who ratted him out. I discovered then that she wasn’t the only one. I made him leave the house that day and saw an IC and lawyer within one week. My IC encouraged me to find my anger as it would help me. Ex was in my face constantly trying to convince me how much he loved me, and to please let him come home so we could work it out and that he’d never cheat on me again. He was full of self-pity and if anyone listened to him, they’d think that he was the victim.

    I did allow him back into the home on a few occasions to get some of his things, and to get on our computer so he could copy some of his work files. Because I am a fair person (chump). Unknown to me for several weeks is that when he “copied” his work files, he also linked our home computer to a new computer he had just purchased.

    A few weeks went by, and he was still begging me to come home and reconcile and I am tormented about what to do. One night, I discovered the “link” by complete accident and realized he’d been spying on me! But I also realized that I could also spy on him, so I did, of course. I found he had a “dating folder” and in that folder were literally hundreds of email communications he’d had with dozens of women that he’d met online after D day. The emails detailed every sordid detail of his secret life. He’d had sex with all of them, numerous times, since D day, all while proclaiming to love me and want to reconcile and that he’d never cheat again.

    After reading all of the emails, I was absolutely livid. I realized the pity play had been pure manipulation. I stayed up all night long sending emails to all of the women and I told each one exactly what he’d done to me. Only one woman responded and it was “Oh My God!!”.

    What I did was probably not legal and it was very, very unlike me. At that moment, I did not care. When he woke up the next morning and discovered what I’d done, he called me and threatened that he was going to sue me for harassment. He also told me to get a life and to stop getting my jollies by spying on him! I told him to bring it on and if he did, I would sue him for criminal fraud.

    I’d found my anger! It was liberating. Within a few short weeks, I managed to get out of the marriage legally, I sold the marital home and went no contact with him. This was years ago.

    Trust that cheaters suck. They absolutely do.

    • How could he sue you for harassment when he was the one who linked the computers without your knowledge. He would have been an idiot to try that.

      • These assholes are not exactly known for being rational. 😉

        My serial cheating freak threatened me for “snooping” — on MY computer, which I used for family and work … and he ended up using for porn surfing when I was asleep (or not at home). Again, not exactly rational.

      • He is an idiot! But he was an exceptional actor and I’m convinced to this day that he is a sociopath. There is no other explanation.

        D day was a real doozy, and his ex-wife heard about it and she called me the very next day to tell me how sorry she was to hear that he’d done this to me, too, and that he had cheated on her throughout their entire marriage. Just the info I needed. He’d lied to me about the reason for this divorce when we were dating and he was trying to talk me into marrying him. Had I known the truth about him, there never would have been a first date, let alone a marriage.

        He defrauded emotionally and financially for five years and if I sought a divorce, I would have had to pay him alimony because I made more than he did, according to my attorney. How fair is that? So, I filed for a legal annulment based on fraud, because that was the true reality of my situation. I was warned by my attorney that in my state, only a couple of legal annulments are granted each year and they are very hard to get and that mine was a five-year marriage.

        The judge heard my story, shook his head and granted the legal annulment – on the basis of fraud. This took the issue of him getting one red dime out of me completely off the table and the marriage was voided immediately. I was free and this was just. I felt rather mighty, all things considered.

        This “win” in court also had the benefit of sending a very loud message to the assclown, and I didn’t hesitate to verbalize this to him when he kept pestering me, and that was that he had better not ever darken my doorstep and if he did anything to push me, make my day because I would turn this civil case into a criminal case and he would go to jail. My CPA was also very agreeable to testifying.

        All of this was years ago, and I’ve recovered from it fairly well, but I will never forget the horror that he brought into my life.

  • my stbx had the same password on his phone as our home security, as our kids’ ipad and as the gun safe. you bet your ass i took pics of the texts to the OW. if i ever feel nostalgic or miss him, i just look at the one where he tells her that they should set up her husband and me and that would solve all their problems!

    • As in “set up for murder”??? OMG. But I don’t know why I’m so surprised–I’ve watched so much Murder Porn on Justice Network, etc., in the past few months nothing should surprise me anymore. Now I know that if Hubby comes home from work, or the gym, or a quick run to Wallyworld, and finds his spouse deceased, then he’s probably the murderer.

      Geez…

      • Yup. (I also call it Wallyworld, ha.) Nothing like catching a random episode of Dateline to make you extremely grateful you Left A Cheater… and probably SAVED your own life in the process, too, in a handful of cases. Some real sick cheating bastards out there who kill their pregnant wives, a la the king of evil, Scott Peterson. Shudder!

  • I also used social media, felt a bit guilty at the time, but not now. My ex was not that clever with internet, computers etc. and I was. I found evidence of two EAs that had not yet become physical ( he was trying, they had not yet agreed as I could see from the texts). I had asked him to break it off, he of course insisted they were “just friends” and all the romantic sounding texts were just “joking”.
    Not having been born yesterday I wasn’t falling for this. One night when he was passed out I went on his Facebook messenger and texted both women, pretending I was him, and told them all sorts of nasty truths and a few lies, told them they were “toxic” and that I (he) wanted to end all contact. Then I deleted both the conversations on my end. When he woke in the a.m. he had no clue and both women ghosted him, never contacted again and it has been over a year now. He wondered at first but was too lazy to ask them and just gave up I think. I still snoop every few months…….nothing. He definitely is not savvy enough to do fake accounts or download other apps so I am pretty confident I know it all.
    Unethical? Sneaky? Yes, for sure, but not as unethical as trying to cheat on your marriage vows.
    It could have turned nasty though if he had become aware of what I had done somehow ( never reveal what you know or can do) so it is not something I advise anyone else to try. I have no regrets however and if he had found out I planned to deny and used his alcohol abuse as my cover and insist he must have sent the messages himself!

  • I always felt myself to be technologically challenged with regard to computers, but there was a period during my Time of Spackle where I felt that I could get a job in IT. After we suddenly had no internet in our home — and it became my assigned job to find out why — I spent hour after hour on the phone with our internet/wifi service provider, as well as the people who manufactured the hardware, and with Dr. Google at the public library. After learning way more than I ever wanted to know about ISPs, servers, and gateways, I discovered that our router had been hacked by a bunch of southeast Asian teenagers due to my cheater having no firewalls on his computer (really!) The cheater was visiting a bazillion porn sites daily, several of which had Malware that enabled hackers to get in. Prior to this, I would have thought that a firewall referred to asbestos and that if there was a Malware, there was also Femalware. Despite my advanced computer knowledge, I still didn’t grasp what all that that porn actually implied.

    By the way, I look exactly like my avatar (note the slick use of that computer geek term!) I am, in fact, purple with a cute pink belt and an antenna on my head. I’d love to know who the artist is so I can thank him/her.

  • One time someone told me “Everything under the sky will be discover” (free translation) . At first I discovered his FB account for some reason in an old computer there was a preset login before Dday. Then one time by mistake I used a debit card from a joint checking account that I never used since I never trusted him in financially because he was always in red 99.9% of the time. That day I request a printed statement at the bank to deposit money if necessary (Destiny was telling me get out) I saw a transaction for FTD flower company (never got the flower) . That was the beginning of my marriage police. After that he was so dumb that I created my own log in for the joint checking account & he never knew. At some point he started to send mssgs to FBwhores/friend and I screen shot them. etc etc. I stayed quite for 6 months the stress was so high I spilled the beans. Did the pick me dance for a few months, then lined my ducks & file. Funny part, I removed myself from that joint checking account and for some reason after divorce I was still able to look at his account with my log in. He is still in red & pretending a life that he can not afford. I decided not to look any more since it was a very difficult experience in my life. I paid a lot of money to lawyers to get where I am at. Good luck to the newbies! This website gave me the courage to leave my POS it took me 2 yrs but if you have evidence skip the pick me dance and go to divorce or lining your ducks!

  • I paid for some court records regarding whore and her sister. Learned a lot about the family. Also paid for an internet search and got whore’s husbands name. I called him too. He told me he is grateful they are divorced. She came with a lot of drama so he says.

    My X is actually named in one of the court documents where the one of whore’s X’s is trying to get custody of the kids because they are now living with my X and the whore.

    Ugh.

    Glad to be off the cheater train.

    Yes trauma bonding is real.

    Yes they suck.

    Marriage police would be no fun at all.

  • I love this. This is how I busted my cheater, he admitted everything on an online PUBLIC forum and I was so done with the guessing game that as a last resort I finally went and checked it out. Lo and behold it was a jackpot of his transgressions. That was all I needed but as a bonus it was also an encyclopedia of him. I got to see him in all of his glory when he thought he was being “anonymous”. That’s when I got to see him for who he truly was and it made walking away super easy from that asshat. I guess I understand why he hid his true self from the world, he sucks plain and simple.

    • It was particularly helpful when he emailed me to say that he was hoping to reconnect “to heal”. I screenshotted a post where he was bragging about the amazing sex he was having and sent it to him and said “Looks like you’re healing just fine”.

  • I went hard core with mine. I wanted proof and boy did I get it. Took a lot work on my part. GPS tracker on personal and work truck and voice activated recorders. Felt like a gumshoe but I didn’t feel bad at all. During wreckonciliation I let the mic drop on him knowing I heard every convo with lord Farquhar scmpoooie. Silence. Fuckwit. Onward and upward :))

  • Today’s post will help with the annoying residual guilt I sometimes feel for digging into my cheatin’ wife’s emails and texts when it became clear she was involved with someone. She reacted predictably at the time (how DARE I?), and it gave her a great reason to deflect from her lying and cheating to my supposed betrayal of her privacy. It was also interesting how many of my friends got squeamish when I told them I was snooping. Among many in my crowd, prying into your spouse’s stuff is not too many notches below infidelity on the “high crimes” list. I might have felt the same way once, but not anymore. Given the same circumstances, I’d snoop again in a second. Those texts, emails and photos gave me facts I needed to make critical decisions. They leveled the playing field. They were a bracing shot of reality, and still serve as essential reminders when I start to miss her. Now I sometimes even regret not putting a tracker and audio recorder in her car, though the evidence they gathered would have been even more heart-shredding.

    • Hechump. The stuff I heard was gut wrenching but had to be done. Why I did wreckonciliation after hearing it was beyond my mind. But thank god I heard it. I’d still be with him falling for his bs.

    • I agree wholeheartedly … it was torturous to see, but it was necessary truth that I was not going to (ever) receive from the serial-cheating fuckwit. He was an expert liar and gaslighter and I was making all of my life decisions on the fake reality he was framing for me (because I trusted my spouse).

      Not only did I need the evidence for myself — but to help me as a mom. I need to know who in the hell I’m dealing with and who in the hell the kids have to deal with. The fact that he watched porn with our young daughter in the room was vile and alarming. I needed to know he was so horrible.

  • I am a privacy advocate, and think the internet and social media will do us in as a culture BUT thank goodness I hacked my ex’s email account and had two years’ worth of nauseating conversations. Yes, I felt like a distrustful asshole husband when I was in the process of hacking her, but it was a lesson to me to trust my gut.

    The trauma of reading them was terrible, but my ex had zero wiggle room after going full gaslight on me. It saved me months (years?) of more bullshit and half-truthing and have me so much confidence is doing some legal sabre rattling that got me an equitable divorce.

    • I’m in the process of this. He made a fake FB page but told me he never went on it. He doesn’t have a FB page in his name. Said he hated FB. He finally confessed to it but swore he never went on it. I changed the password so he no longer got on it and wrote the other woman without using her name. I didn’t care that she saw it was me. Of course she read it all and I could see that someone read it but she never wrote back.

  • Fucktard forgot he had given me his passwords several years previously. After discovering all the phone records when he was visiting family one weekend, I found OWhore’s name and email address online from the number, then I found all the emails in his email acct. Copied EVERYTHING then emailed them both with select excerpts. She then emailed him to beg him to get the copies away from me, since I’d seen enough for any “legitimate purpose”. She also emailed him that she’d get him a burner phone. AFTER she knew I could read his emails. What idiots!

    The emails were useful later, in that she had made veiled death threats (death ‘wishes’ really) against me – these were useful in court.

    • >>”She also emailed him that she’d get him a burner phone. AFTER she knew I could read his emails.”

      Wow. Lack of common sense really does seem to be a commonality amongst the disordered.

  • Luckily I didn’t have to go snooping. I found out something was up when I sat down to watch Netflix while feeding our 3 week old daughter and pictures of him and his whore started rolling through on our Apple TV. He had his Iphone set up so when the Apple TV went into sleep mode, his pictures would start a slideshow on our tv. Mind you, he was on the other side of the world on a deployment but his phone was still uploading his pictures to our home in California. Such a dumbass.

    • Holy Moly. That’s jaw-dropping idiocy! (Though, I’m so sorry you had to go through that … while feeding your 3-week old daughter, no less. He is truly a jackass.)

  • I’m sure everyone is joking, it’s illegal to hack into accounts under the Electronic Communications Privacy Act. OTH, if your spouse routinely gave you passwords, there is an assumption you were authorized to access the account, and if it was unintentional, well, accidents happen – you are only breaking the law if it was intentional. It is so tempting to check on an account isn’t it? Especially when it is so easy, all those simple security questions nearly every email service (and others) use to allow one to reset a forgotten password…you know, where did you get married, where did you graduate high school, the name of your first dog…

    • Indeed, I considered the privacy laws before I did my snooping. The only thing I really “pushed” the boundary on was the VAR. But, it was worth it … knowing that he considers spending time with his child (upon her request) as “fucking interfering with” his personal time was a big eye-opener for me.

      The computers, all family-owned. Family used. Even his work computers — the place gave him the old computers he used when they upgraded. So, he brought them home for family use. Even his iPod was backed up on the family computer … hahahahahaha!

      On his iPod alone (without breaking a single law) I got to see evidence he was searching for a former co-worker (I know now he had had an affair with her a couple of years prior … he was trying to go back for seconds). I also got to see the “other” slide show of pictures that he used when he wasn’t home … (porn and guns … utterly revolting and a bit scary).

      It was all worth it — even if he would have tried suing, I would still have ZERO regrets.

  • One of the first clues husband was cheating was that he got us all new cell phones for Christmas. The children, me, and him. Apparently you can’t use a state phone to communicate with your affair partner.

  • Superchumps need to snoop to finally accept reality. We are so good at spackling, we’ll keep convincing ourselves that our partners are not really cheating, or they want to stop, or they are genuinely remorseful.
    Only snooping provides the essential confirmation of their betrayal and that there is nothing to salvage. Sad but essential.
    I had never snooped or been tempted to snoop on anyone until 7 months into MC post DDay. Good thing I did. I discovered I had been asleep on a snake pit for 9 years, the snakes being the Traitor, the Whore, AND her family. A whole pack against one person with no parents, no siblings, no children.
    Snooping is self-defense when you’re cornered.

  • When I saw Jackass’s FB page, with ONE friend (not his brothers, his daughter, his niece or nephews, or me), 3 months of confusing puzzles pieces fell into a coherent picture. When I saw he was using the Messenger app, that told me the Mr. Text Message didn’t want to leave a text trail for MOW’s husband to find. It explained why one minute he was planning a life with me and the next he couldn’t return a phone call. But once I knew about them, it only took 8 or 9 weeks for him to kick her to the curb. Because he knew if I knew, how far behind would her husband and her sisters be?

  • Remember this chumps — when you feel yourself getting sucked into the cheater’s claim that something they did “just happened” or was a “mistake,” remind yourself of how many proactive decisions the cheater had to make to set up the situation and hide their evidence. One of the things that helped me finally end my relationship with LadyLiar and gain an authentic life was the realization that I was spending so much time, effort, and money on “discovery” activities. I was obsessed with finding evidence to prove that I wasn’t “crazy” like my gaslighter claimed. I’d tell myself that if I found “enough” evidence, then I’d be able to leave, because I would be certain that she didn’t love me, that she had violated our vows, that she was hurting our family… In my superhero tale, my villain’s ultimate source of power — my Kryptonite – was her cell phone.

  • I’m curious about what those chumps out there with legal training have to say about all this. My own experience drove my legal team to do a some directed research on the topic (STBX was obviously committing perjury in denying his affair with hooker patient, and my attorney was in possession of my flash drives containing screen shots, emails, etc. regarding that, PLUS colluding with her to hide money, etc.). Their conclusion was a stern warning to me that disclosing my hacking of said email account would put me at serious risk of (losing) an invasion of privacy lawsuit, so it was reserved for a last ditch, “nuclear option” consideration. Apparently unless the emails were on a shared computer (they weren’t; he has his own laptop) or he voluntarily disclosed them, they would be inadmissible in court in any case. (They were good however for proving to myself just how MUCH he sucked, though I already knew he did). My attorney said that she might be able to use hacked the email evidence for the limited application of proving to the judge that STBX is a perjurer, if absolutely necessary. At any rate, thankfully we were able to obtain enough evidence (just by routine financial discovery) of flagrant lying about everything from practice income to credit card charges, etc. to completely do in his credibility, and we never needed the emails in court. But bottom line, be very careful and consult an attorney before disclosing any password-protected snooping — at least that’s what my attorney’s firm said.

    • I’m in cyber, you can absolutely get charged under the circumstances you describe. I said it earlier, people want to believe the law is common sense, it’s not. Innocent until proven guilty is nice but it can get a bit lopsided in these kinds of cases. There isn’t a lot of case law on it yet, so things are in flux but there have been some precedents set where spouses have gotten convictions for hacking accounts. Where ever you find your information, be careful and be legally safe.

      • It doesn’t help that the people in the overburdened legal system aren’t trained how to spot and handle personality disorders in high conflict cases… There’s an assumption that both parties are equally to blame. Not to mention the propensity of courts for shared custody of minor children…

        The disordered spouse often can manipulate the system and fool judges, lawyers and mediators with their lies.

        • Absolutely! I retained a female attorney (I’m a female) and told her what I was dealing with (a sociopath). He defrauded me and she kept trying to steer me toward divorce court, where I would have had to pay him alimony, and it would have been a long process, which would have further traumatized me.

          I told her I wanted a legal annulment based on fraud because that is what applied in my case. She argued with me over that. I researched the law myself (I am not an attorney) and I spent one weekend writing out what had happened to me (the fraud).

          All she had to do was read what I wrote to the judge and he granted the legal annulment. This eliminated any possibility of my ex getting alimony and the marriage was null and void immediately. It allowed me to start the healing process much more quickly.

          She was basically worthless, IMO.

          • Awesome for you! Some attorneys suck ass. I thought having a female lawyer would be a good fit. No she was a bitch. I moved on. A wonderful male attorney for me just what I wanted. Mehhhhhh

  • Memory… All alone in the Moonlight.

    Ahhh, just like it was yesterday I can remember the feeling of looking at Find my Friends and seeing the cheater I was married to out in BFE at 5 in the morning.

    “Where the fuck are you?!?” I texted. No response. Good times.

    False equivalencies and feigned outrage are the go-to response for cheaters. Why? Because it works. I questioned my own intentions. I mumbled an apology. She hoped it would never again come up. I was sufficiently chastened and back to my rightful place as her boot-liking spouse-appliance.

    Trust your gut, Chumps. Trust your gut. I learned to trust my gut right here on this website after I failed to trust my gut.

    As soon as Match Girl was back in my physical proximity I could feel the disturbance in the force. Something was different about her now that she’d let some rando stick a dick in her. I could actually feel the difference.

    So, yeah. Avail yourself of all the technology you need to hunt and skewer a cheater. (But please be careful. Too many women become victims of domestic violence after a psychopath dude finds out via his own cyber snooping that she’s gotten all uppity and trying to get herself free. ( That is to say: assume that your cheater is also cyber-stalking YOU!))

    Much love, Chumps. Today is a good day to get divorced.

  • Dday 2 came when he left his old phone to charge while he was at work, unlocked, and it pinged, and I checked it to find sexy messages from our ” friend”, plus a lot of details about food.7 years later, it’s the fact that apparently he moaned to her about my cooking that still rankles.this is the man who never leaves his phone available or unlocked, so I’ve always thought he did it deliberately to force my hand.That was when I asked him to move out,but because I was really really, really dumb, i contemplated reconciliation a couple of years later, before the shitfest that was Dd3.
    But his greatest give away wasn’t technology. he has a special ” voice” for his girlfriends, which i recognise because it used to be for me. i can pick who he is currently fucking by the way he says hi to them on the phone” Oh, hiiii” ( he is on the phone constantly, while picking children up, dropping them off, mid conversation about school things…)

  • I think Chumps use snooping to confirm their suspicions. I remember being at a computer when the thought came into my mind that CheaterX was a cheater, but it wasn’t really that he was cheating, but more that Schmoopie was chasing him. I asked him if Schmoopie had feelings for him, as she was constantly contacting him. He said no. I let it go. But he left his phone on the counter. Normally, it would lock, but that time it didn’t, and I picked it up, only to find out that he’d been using Facebook Messenger the entire time!

    I remembered his lock password, and he changed it a couple of times. It was only when he went past the 4-digit passcode that I couldn’t keep up. I was able to confirm that I wasn’t delusional. The man I thought was faithful was a cheater.

    I kept snooping after that. My primary goal was to see what he was spending on her and if he’d siphoned money away from his paycheck into a separate account. I never did get my hands on his account information, but I did get the satisfaction of knowing that he was a POS and my decision to divorce him was hands down the best decision.

    I think that if people really need to have admissible evidence, they’re better off working with professionals who know the laws of their particular state.

  • Also beware of taping…leaving a voice activated recorder to record your cheater..even in your own home..is a crime..so beware of tipping your hand regarding evidence. You absolutely could be charged.

    • Indeed, in some states you can tape so long as one person is aware of the taping. I got some evidence that way, taping my conversations with him.

  • I just got done with depositions a few hours ago. The best piece of evidence I got was OW’s resume off of her public LinkedIn profile. And it was a recent resume. Stupid girl was on STBX’s payroll for 2 years while we have been going through a divorce (so STBX could funnel income through her) yet she didn’t list it in her work history. When questioned about her work, she didn’t have answers to basic questions that she should have known.

    Sometimes, snooping is completely legit (public LinkedIn profile) and can really work in your favor. Trial is one week away…and I can’t wait to hang up my investigating hat. Between dday#1 and now, it has been 4 years of digging and I am soooooo done with it. It is time to start seeing glimpses of Meh…

    By the way, he looked like complete shit. Being in a room with her was miserable. Being in a room with him just completely disgusted me.

    • I bet you looked great! Sounds like it went well even though in my experience, you just feel drained afterward. Truth is on your side. You got this girl! Praying your trial goes well and you can leave him and whore behind!

    • Canadian Dad,
      I feel much like you do. I never snooped on my husband not my latest boyfriend. My serial cheater husband electronically snooped on me for years although I never tried to cheat on him nor hide anything from him. I don’t think that electronically snooping on my husband nor my last boyfriend would have helped me realize anything (them straying, lying, whatever) sooner as bothbof them found my replacements at work and thus didn’t need to communicate with my replacements through any electronic medium–they got to communicate ‘in person.’ I, the loyal partner was relegated to electronic communication–until my partners were completely done with me (they thought I no longer had any value–like a tarantula’s prey after being bled dry).

      I think for me the smoking gum was not what au found on the Internet but what I did NOT find. My last boyfriend never posted a photo of me on the Internet, although we knew each other for decades and he was, at least I thought he was, ‘y boyfriend for a few years. He even told me that he was afraid that a photo of us in a group might get on. Social media page of neither one of us! By that point, I should have ‘read the writing in the wall’ (he was embarrassed to be seen with me and acknowledge me as his partner–might reduce probability of him securing my replacement at work. So dehumanizing to me!

  • A little tip to anyone experiencing Dday and post Dday: the more they seem upset about you snooping, the more likely you are dealing with a horrific case of adultery. Just my experience of finding out info. Cheater’s guilt over cheating is miniscule to their anger that you figured them out. It’s a shot to their ego that you are unraveling their secret world.

  • I’m an older chump. Back when married to the Fucktard, cell phones were Motorolas that were shaped like bricks. The internet was new. There weren’t publicized dating sites. There wasn’t even Craigslist. Trust me, they still found a way to lie and cheat.

    I am a private investigator’s daughter so of course I questioned some of the tall tales I was told. Chandeliers falling in hotel rooms preventing the cheater from answering the phone. The need to “run up to the vacation home” to water plants before going on vacation, when those plants never needed watering before. Finding 27 women’s phone numbers programmed into the home phone in my home office (where he liked to hang out when I wasn’t home) and a slideshow of naked very young Asian women on my husband’s home computer serving as a screen saver in his home office. Getting to the phone bill (before it disappeared) to see hundreds of calls to an unknown number, including every weekday just after I left the driveway.

    I wasn’t snooping. Nope, I was investigating, and boy did I find out a lot. Enough to change the naked Asian cuties to lots of fuzzy roly poly kittens for his screen saver before I gave the house back over to him and his student tramp replacement part. Enough to find a trunk full of stuff from yet another woman (young Asian daughter of his coworker) stowed in the attic over the garage. Enough to identify all 27 autodial women. Enough to know that his massage therapist was not a lesbian as claimed. Enough to know that if his lips were moving, he was lying.

  • “Oh hey, now you’re a born-again libertarian! Now you’re offended to your core at this violation of your privacy”- This!

    My cheater is suing me for breaching his privacy. The level of entitlement never ceases to amaze…

  • My stbxh was livid when he found out I put recording device on him and recorded him at work dissing me to another woman, came home screaming that the federal government was going to investigate me for listening in federal office, I just started laughing and said , “bring it on, I’m sure they love to hear about married head of HR, fucking his married subordinate”, that shut him up pretty quickly!

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