Stay in Touch

Check out CL's Book

UBT: In Defense of Dating a Married Man

bullshitSo here’s some MSN clickbait just begging to be Universal Bullshit Translator-ed this morning. A fluffy little piece of sociopathy by Shannon Boodram, sexologist, entitled “In Defense of Dating a Married Man.”

I often get emails from women involved with a married man or from men who are engaged in an affair that usually center around one question: “Am I a terrible person for doing this?”

Yes.

And while there are too many variables and not enough jewels in my own crown to effectively answer this, I can answer the underlying inquiry: No, you are not abnormal or evil.

There are not enough rivets in the UBT’s quarter panels to effectively answer the underlying query “Are people who cheat empathy-deficient, self-gratifying, narcissistic nimrods?” There are too many variables. (Cluster B? Sociopath? Or simply generic asshole?)

Translation: Here’s some word salad to say, “Have at it! You’re not evil! You’re a gem!”

Ninety per cent of questions that centre around sex and love are a version of “Am I normal?,” because generally speaking, people do not want what satisfies them and their morals to be in direct conflict.

So, my answer to this popular query is always the same: If it occurs in nature, then yes, it is natural. And since extra-marital affairs have been in existence for just as long as the institution of marriage, I think it is time we stopped looking at affairs as heinous crimes and instead as a natural occurrences.

If it occurs in nature, then yes, it is natural. We should decriminalize Natural Things and stop looking at them as heinous crimes.

Homicide? Hey! Cain slew Abel. Brotherly assassination has existed as long as there have been brothers.

Arsenic? You find it in the ground. Mother Nature made arsenic, not Monsanto! So, yum! Sprinkle some on your breakfast cereal today. It’s natural.

Did you read this paragraph and want to strangle me? Those urges are natural. Stop looking at strangling flaky columnists with concertina wire as some sort of heinous crime. Ninety percent of people read crap every day and want to strangle someone. It’s okay. You’re not evil.

Did I lose you yet? Let’s hope not.

Kinda. The UBT was just so dazzled by your intellect.

The beauty in seeing things as natural vs. deviant is it allows you to exercise understanding. The more we understand and can identify patterns, the better we can cope and even evade the trauma associated with them.

It’s not your partner fucking other people that’s traumatic, it’s your inability to identify patterns. Avoid polka dots. And plaid.

Marriage was invented to legitimize offspring so that parents could pass down any assets acquired over their lifetime to heirs. In the beginning, marriage was essentially a business transaction designed to increase the power, legacy, wealth and reputation of a family name.

Historically, extra-marital affairs were common, permissible and especially in the male’s case, not seen by the courts as substantial grounds for divorce.

Bring back patriarchy!

It is really only within the past couple of generations that love has conquered all and become the primary driving force for tying the knot. And even though we in North America have adopted the Disney model, it doesn’t negate the fact that only 5 per cent of all mammals are monogamous and whether or not humans belong to this minority is still widely debated.

Was Mickey faithful to Minnie? Only 5 percent of all mice are monogamous. If Mickey was a player is still widely debated.

Everyone in North America (Canadians — I’m talking to YOU) models their marriages on Disney. Talking forest creatures. Dwarves. Birds who dress you.

That’s all very fine and good but it doesn’t negate the fact that Bambi’s mother dies. Deal.

Men produce more testosterone and less oxytocin than women. Testosterone is responsible for sex drive and also compels the host to seek out dopamine, a chemical released by risk-taking and new experiences. Oxytocin is the bonding chemical that cements loyalty through intimacy.

Cheating women? Hey, I guess you’re all just too damn butch. Shave your chin hairs and drop some oxy. Maybe you’ll stop cheating.

Thus, many men will not successfully conform to the monogamy model whether they have shared their last name or not. Similarly, a married man is a living example of the qualities women naturally seek out: Some women simply appreciate their attraction while respecting the family unit, others compete to have those qualities for themselves.

Women compete to have men, who are not designed to be faithful. Because… oxytocin. Bitches will just bond with anything.

On the flipside, not all women who date married men are in competition with the wife. Some prefer the mistress-relationship-model, since it provides them with the fun side of companionship minus any of the traditional obligations of partnership.

Duping chumps is fun. Plus it’s companionship without the whole messy introductions-to-people-in your-life thing.

In short, there will continue to be married men who find themselves seeking new intimate experiences and there will continue to be women who are interested in engaging with married men.

By “intimate experiences” I mean no-strings-attached sex.

Now for the happy part: Once you understand that affairs are driven by natural tendencies, you can stop personalizing the act and begin managing the possibilities.

Did you have to paternity test your children? Don’t take it personally.

Were you assuming monogamy and caught a nasty STD? Consider the possibilities!

I strongly believe that keeping an open dialogue with your partner about their temptations, desires and natural drives is very important. Not only can you help your partner effectively manage these natural urges through counsel, but you can also create healthy alternatives in the event that the desire is too strong to curb.

Cheating is natural. Don’t take it personally. However, natural impulses to cheat (caused by testosterone) can be effectively managed with conversations (not neutering!)

Betrayal, not compromise, is the biggest offense in any relationship, but if you don’t create an environment of open communication, you leave your partner to their own devices and vices.

Yes, the person who is not inclined to cheat must communicate clearly, otherwise you leave your partner to their vices. The vice partner cannot possibly be expected to speak up. Remain vigilant chumps! If they fuck around it’s because you failed to manage their urges with conversations!

So, I suggest some new rules that crush the fantasy in order to get to the heart of our human reality:

Women who engage with married men: Don’t be anyone’s dirty secret. If you prefer to date those who are attached to keep your own involvement at arm’s length, then you should have no qualm with the wife being aware of your intentions. If you fall for someone who is taken and they feel the same, demand that they open up their relationship—otherwise, you won’t be a part of it. Do not enter into any situation hoping for change; rather, create the change and then enter. Encourage opacity and know that it is possible to create a healthy arrangement, as opposed to a devious, secretive relationship.

Because every chumped wife is just dying to get your opinion on her marriage. Hey, you’re an equal voting partner here! Don’t be someone’s dirty secret. If she won’t share, blow that marriage up so you can have Mr. Cheaterpants for yourself.

Men who seek affairs: If you are not cut out for the monogamous model, do not deceive anyone into believing you are. Of course, you’re allowed to change, but you must communicate this change with your partner. Desiring new experiences is understandable, while concealing this desire and act from your partner is not. You are an adult. You don’t have to hide your “dirty magazines” under the bed anymore. Come into your own and into the light where everyone can see you and most importantly, where you can stand to look at yourself.

Good advice. Except this ignores the fact that cheaters don’t cheat for sexual novelty (because testosterone), they cheat because they enjoy the deceit. Gaming the system to have an unfair advantage (cake) is what infidelity is about.

Sexual shame doesn’t make people cheat — entitlement does.

Women who are the victims of an affair: First step, realize that it’s not you, it’s not him, it’s nature. He is not evil, he may just lack discipline.

Whack him on the nose with a rolled up newspaper. Take away his squeaky toys. Crate him. It’s not you, it’s nature.

You can work through this by working together, but you can’t if you refuse to acknowledge that what your partner needs is understanding… not an exorcism.

You can work through this with a divorce summons, but you can’t begin until you acknowledge you’ve been chumped. Exorcise a fuckwit today.

This UBT ran previously.

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • It occurs in nature so it is natural.
    Hmmm….my dog eats his poo, a raccoon ate the head off of one of my chickens, and my husband and his married coworker decided to do the horizontal mambo in their work truck many times during work hours.
    Yeah. Totally natural.

      • An idiot like my ex-H, Midlifeblast. In his reply to the judge about my action to sue him for moral damages (since divorce is no fault in my country many chumps do this and they win), cheater von Glitter-Balls wrote that “It is natural to have extraconjugal affairs”.

        • “Extraconjugal” sounds so exotic and sexy. I wish slutface had used that word, because it almost makes me forget that blowing a co-worker in a dirty, bug-infested storage closet in 100-degree weather is anything but those two things.

          Testosterone and oxytocin cocktails for everyone! Better entitlement through chemistry!

          • Oxytocin for bonding? Yeah, if you’re bonding with a newborn. The body produces abundant oxytocin from childbirth until weaning. Oxytocin also suppresses ovulation.

            This writer’s grasp of science is no better than her grasp of ethics or morals. The hormone that makes females receptive to males is estrogen. Oxytocin doesn’t. Just ask the husband of any new mother.

            In nature, females who are tightly bonded with their offspring (oxytocin effect) will drive off or kill the males.

          • “Better entitlement through chemistry” and “Cheater von Glitterballs”!
            You two are cracking me up tonight.
            Thanks, I needed that. 🙂

        • Mine was in our family van….often. Then my wife let our kids use the blankets and pillows that were set up for their fuckfest. Life is AWESOME!

      • Wow…..is this lady for real?

        Which creatures in nature perfect lies and deceit? As CL points out cheating isn’t about sexual novelty but about the need to feel superior with duper’s delight and betrayal. If the article was about why some people choose to have consensual open relationships while staying married then fine. She totally misses the point

      • Volvo rebranding from solid family car???? A good percentage of my Ex’s hook-ups took place in his lovely lady’s Volvo SUV. Except in the back. She would have to take the baby seat out the back to make room. I read the texts she sent along the lines of “thank you, that was crazy wonderful. Just putting the seat back in, tidying up the car before heading home.”

        Such great people.

        • My ex and OW#4 (or was she #5?) did it in her Volvo wagon. I have video from the PI of them getting into the back seat in a school parking lot. That’s class.

        • Zhuchi, that make me want to throw up. Putting the baby seat back in the car after she screwed your husband. It sounds like what the howorker said to my X after the fun day at the Holdiay Inn. her hips were stiff because she had her legs at a 45 degree angle for over an hour, “that was great” she said. But let’s not forget that over an hour came from the little blue pill he has to take to get it up, wonder if he sneaks it now so she won’t know it was not her?!

      • Pretty sure my ex and his cheater partner had sex in our Saturn SL at some point! So glamorous- enjoying some strange in Saturn’s cheapest model! How fitting! 😄

      • Please do not get me started on Volvo’s. That’s a whole other discussion in and of itself. I think the “family car” image is a ruse, especially the ever wholesome wagon!

    • I could barely stand to read to the end, and that horrid bile rising to my throat throughout….

      This is THE biggest load of bullshit I’ve heard since the last UBT of Esther Perle’s mindfucking exuberance shit. Fucking assholes.

  • I have not seen such drivel as this in quite a long time, “fun side of companionship without the obligations of partnership”. You can be much more of a narcissist than to want all of the benefits of a relationship with none of the obligations. She is trying to make is a normal and okay thing to be an open user – only wanting to get the ‘fun’ stuff from other people, but wanting no ‘obligation’ to help through illness, console through the loss of loved ones, provide comfort or encouragement when the person is feeling down or dealing with job loss, or just needing someone to acknowledge that they matter. Nope, they only want the ‘fun’ and want zero obligations to actual be an adult human being.

    Just – wow. “… you can’t if you refuse to acknowledge what your partner needs is understanding” So, when exactly does the Chump get what they need – which is a partner that mutually respects the concept of monogamy and agrees to the terms of the relationship both committed to or is honest and leaves the relationship if their ‘needs’ are not outside of the parameters of the agreed upon relationship. We don’t. Oh, okay. Just – wow.

    • She needs to put bread on the table. She needs clients who cheat and may feel bad, so she turns things around for them and makes them look natural. Organic! And they feel good and provide her bread. Pure business and no ethics.

    • “So, when exactly does the Chump get what they need ?” Starting the moment we go no contact. We can finally put ourselves first. Eat what we want, go where we want and do what we want, without the mind numbing bullshit that they put us through. I never made demands, always cooked around his latest diet, always lived life on his terms. Well fellow chumps, it is now our time.

      • This! Exactly, Notmyfault, they really were just gigantic, pain-in-the-ass, demanding crybabies, weren’t they? Gah! These new-age, word salad cheater condoners makes me nuts.

        Here is a quick solution: If you even THINK for one moment that you would be the type of partner that can’t keep their vows, then SIMPLY DON’T GET MARRIED! Live the bachelor life forever, no one will judge you. Seriously. Do the world a favor and stick with the hooker/hooters girl/stripper lifestyle and don’t procreate.

        We need to start weeding out the narcs from all gene pools on a global scale. They only create destruction and suffering for innocent people.

    • No understanding for the chumps. No acknowledgement of the trauma a cheater inflicts… just that it can be avoided if we don’t take it personally.

  • Gum disease, hemorrhoids and intestinal parasites are all perfectly natural. You have a problem with being natural?

  • Are you sure the original article wasn’t posted on a satire site like The Onion?

    …because how can anyone possibly believe this BS?!

  • OH MY WORD!!! Just because it has happened since the beginning of time doesn’t make it right and thats what we need to change because it needs to stop happening! It’s devasting and destroys lives! Cheating needs to stop nobody should have to accept it.
    Historically speaking people used to get stoned to death when they got caught committing adultery and I wish they would go back to that!

      • Remember: it used to be a positive defense to shoot someone you found screwing your wife. But that didn’t apply to one’s cheating husband.

        This broad is an embarrassment to herself.

    • Shannon Boodram clearly eats her own SHIT…animals like her have been doing it since the beginning of time.

    • In some cultures, women STILL get stoned to death when they are thought to have committed adultery.

      In our western culture, women previously have had their heads chopped off, the excuse being they committed adultery.

      Historically, extramarital affairs were common, yes, but for men and not for women. Is this gal trying to justify cheating because in the dark ages it was condoned?

      I look at monogamy as a trait of those of us who are higher evolved among our species. We should be striving for better, higher behavioral traits and not trying to justify the reprehensible ones.

      And what the hell does she mean by “encourage opacity” anyway? What a twit.

      • “We should be striving for better, higher behavioral traits and not trying to justify the reprehensible ones.”

        Totally agree.

        Like care. Like support. Like honesty.

        Be evolved enough to recognize that you are incapable of monogamy. Doesn’t make you a bad person – cheating does.

      • Love this, “And what the hell does she mean by “encourage opacity” anyway? What a twit.” 😂 And “Y’all are patriarch-ing all wrong.” 🤣 CN are in fine form today. And this blog should come with a warning: Swallow your beverage before reading!

  • My first thought when anyone defends their selfish behavior by saying it happens in nature (cheating, sexism, etc) is that many animals eat their young , in fact many primates do.

  • This UBT is hillarious, as usual!

    “Men produce more testosterone and less oxytocin than women. Testosterone is responsible for sex drive and also compels the host to seek out dopamine, a chemical released by risk-taking and new experiences. Oxytocin is the bonding chemical that cements loyalty through intimacy.”

    Following this, it’s logical to infer that same sex unions would solve it all. Women couples would bond. Men couples would be understanding towards each other when driven by higher sex drive. But no….there is cheating in same sex unions. And there is equal amount of hurt over that.

    And, Tracy, I wanted to strangle the writer…natural, right?

  • “Betrayal, not compromise, is the biggest offense in any relationship, but if you don’t create an environment of open communication, you leave your partner to their own devices and vices.”

    FUCK YOU. Seriously? How much more gaslighting and blameshifting can the above statement be?

    Chumps are open communicators BY NATURE because their empathy drives them to connect. Cheaters do NOT openly communicate their ‘desires’ specifically because they know there are CONSEQUENCES. How many of us would respond to our spouses saying “hey I wanna start screwing other people” with “sure thing honey, can you pick up some milk on your way home?”.

    You want open communication? Tells these cheaters to start openly communicating PROACTIVELY to us. Stop putting the responsibility of their choices and behaviors on US. We regularly check in and they refuse to open up. Just warn them that they may not like the response they get when we say “really? move out then”.

    • or better yet, tell these desire driven disordereds to communicate up front when we meet “hey, i think you are really cool and I like you, and i also like seeing and screwing several people at a time while there is one person in my life managing and taking care of things”. Oh wait, we would shut them down and walk away. No cake, no glory, eh?

    • “Can you pick up some milk on your way home?” I love it- what a great response to a cheater.

    • You hit the nail on the head! After 18 weeks of false wreconciliation where I suffered ddays 2 through at least 10, and I was pick me dancing frantically, X came to our suicidal daughter’s psych appointment and on the street in front of that office he told me he was “confused again” and wanted to break free of our family (4 kids 26 years together, married 25) and “see that woman openly” he met on the elevator (15 yr younger, still lived with her cheater daddy at 32! minimum wage worker when X is law firm partner earning close to 7 figures). I incredulously demanded to know if he wanted a divorce (since DDay 1 4 months earlier he had vehemently denied he did). He said “no.” So I asked if he wanted an open marriage then. He looked dumbfounded. No he said. Wtf??? I told him I would never have an open marriage, and if he wasn’t willing to stop the cheating and do the acts to show me he was committed (mental health treatment, rehab for drug use, post nup, complete abstinence for a year and get his shit together) then he had 2 hours to get his shit and go. I was DONE. It became real obvious that WE were NOT compatible. Game over!

      He cried sad sausage about consequences. Boo boo too bad. In the D I got everything and full custody. He Lost me too. And I’m invaluable. I’m completely no contact and loving life. It’s very peaceful.

      • This blows my mind. You both attended a psych appointment for your suicidal daughter and he has the audacity to tell you outside of the office that he’s “confused” and wants to start seeing his whore openly. It would have been difficult not to throat punch that selfish muther-fucker in the street.

        I was wondering why cheaters lay this crap on chumps at times when you’re already on your knees. I think it’s cowardice. If chumps are distracted by some other horrific event (suicidal daughter, dead/dying parent, etc), then, in their minds, their infidelity will pale in comparison. You’re busy dealing with another horrible situation, so they can walk off unscathed.

        • “It would have been difficult not to throat punch that selfish muther-fucker in the street.” I laughed out loud. Haven’t done that in a while. Thanks for that.
          And tell that bitch who wrote that drivel to crawl back under her rock/ into her cave like the Neanderthal she is.

        • MotherChumper99 you are savage af!

          Wouldn’t it have been a great reverse mindfuck to say something like, “That’s okay, I understand how you’re feeling. I have a thought..since is so important for me to be okay with you keeping elevator bimbo as your side piece, I think you should reciprocate by letting me have Pierre, our pool boy, make love to me in our bed on Tuesdays and Fridays..deal? I mean, because you’ve been so open about your suffering and confusion, it has started to make me confused, too. But I’m sure you TOTALLY get what I’m feeling and would have no problem with that, right honey?”.

      • MotherChumper99 – I envy you that level of clarity with your cheater. I’m sorry it came at such a difficult time but I give you credit for putting your foot down and enforcing your boundaries. What manner of man dumps that on you at that time.
        In retrospect he gave you a gift by stooping that low.

        I wish I had been that strong in the years before I got divorced.

        I hope your daughter is as strong as her mother now.

      • “He Lost me too. And I’m invaluable.”

        YES. We are invaluable, chumps. Cheaters’ stock value plummet without us.

    • I’m with you in this. This article spouts pure bullshit. Normal my Ass. Paying bills is normal. Being a lying deceiving cheating asshole is not normal.

      • What’s with these fuckwits and sick kids? When our oldest son took his own life at 20, I was out of the country because I trusted the “expert” shrink instead of my gut. He still lived at home so Two-Legged Rat was supposed to be with him, but my baby spent his last night on this earth alone with his younger brother, because TLR was out fucking one of his dozens of ho-workers. Twelve years later the asshole is still not ashamed to admit that he didn’t have a clue to our son’s obvious psychological pain and suicidal behavior. Please tell me that there is a hell and that Two-Legged Rat will burn slowly in it for all eternity.

        • Oh my. What pain you have endured. I’m so sorry for your loss and all that you have been through.

          God bless you 💐

        • Kids? Why, that’s even more complicated!! There’s no reason to consider them, they’ve got empty noggins that will only know things are amiss if you TELL them! Don’t tell them, keep a cheery and cheater-understanding disposition and your children will be happy and secure in themselves! If they’re sad, then you Chump, created that problem!

          • Whoops…. that was supposed to go on a thread up higher.

            So, so sorry you’ve lost your son. I cannot imagine a more painful way to lose a child. I lost a son too, but he died from a heart defect.

            The loss is an ache that never goes away. I so wish it hadn’t happened to your family.

            • Sunflower, I think the pain of losing a child is the same for all parents, whatever the cause. And it helps to know that we’re here together. Hugs.

        • 😢😢😢😢😢

          A thousand veil of tears for your lost darling son. I came so close to losing my daughter — I can only imagine. There are no words to convey my sorrow for your loss.

        • So sorry for your loss. ((hugs)) I worry about my daughter. She is in therapy.

          It’s been very hard to watch my daughter be so depressed for months – feeling rejected by her dad. He chose his little girlfriend over our daughter. She sees it. She’s not stupid. And he acts like HE is betrayed as our daughter is disgusted with him and wants nothing to do with him. Since she doesn’t respond to his texts, he informed me that will not pay for her phone anymore.

          I texted him, “Yeah, that’ll show her, won’t it.” If you do not comply with their entitlement you will pay the price.

          He has texted her ‘sorry.’ He can’t understand what the problem is.

  • What makes me furious about articles like this is that all the OM and OW read these articles and are strengthened by them.

    They don’t come to CL to read the UBT.

    These articles stroke their egos, make them feel superior and justified. They read that drivel and share it with the affair partner, their co-workers, their families and even their adult children…”see, what happened isn’t bad, it just happened”…”you don’t know the whole story”…”there’s a whole other side to what happened”!!! 😡

    I want to tie up the author and slap her. It makes me so angry and nauseous when I read things like this.

    It drives me right back to the beginning of this shit show which is not a pretty place to be.

    • So true! In the beginning my cheater wife was searching for shit like this to justify everything she was doing. Articles like this are B.S.

      • My wife sent me a link to…wait for…the Esther Perel TED Talk. And before I found this site, I tried to untangle that mess. It’s like watching a professional gas-lighting seminar by the queen narc.

        • I really hate it that some of my favorite podcasters invite Esther Perel in their shows for an interview. I avoid listening to that shit. Blechhh.

    • Rebecca, I don’t think cheaters or women who carry on with married men would be influenced one way or the other. Trust me, if I could’ve influenced my ex with anything I would’ve. These folks have a brain disorder as pointed out in an earlier post this week so no amount of reading articles like this makes any difference. That said, I think for purposes of society as a whole we need to be having this conversation. And we need to change the narrative. This is domestic violence plain and simple.

      • I don’t think she meant it would influence them only invalidate them – like hey see they agree with me what I am doing is not wrong…i am not the only one that understands this why dont you. No we can not influence cheaters they look for others who agree and use that to their advantage

  • It appears that the original article is without comments.

    I wonder if this article was shared with Ms Boodram the first time CL published it. These people who publish such damaging crap should hear the other side of the story. We should be able to give feedback to the Ms Boodram’s and the Ms Perel’s of this world.

    As they are so ‘open minded’, you’d hope that they’d welcome feedback.

    • I’d really like to know if this author is married? I really wonder if even she buys what she’s selling?!!! Smh

      • I think she’s married to herself. Check out her instagram feed from the link above, and you’ll see what I mean.

        • Thanks, Otct! Omg!!! Major attention whore!!! She can easily talk this shit now, until she actually gets chumped and I guarantee she will regret every word she ever wrote. But in her mind, maybe 15 minutes of fame was worth writing this crap.

  • Funny how much they twist themselves to equate marriage with relationship. Yes, marriage may have been invented to preserve family’s ownership of properties or kingdoms. Whatever, who the fuck cares. Cheating is not restricted to marriage because it’s not and never was about a legal bond you share with somebody over houses, cars or little people. Cheating is about thinking somebody exists for the only purpose of giving you satisfaction, and whose feelings are not to be respected in any way when the cheater wants something different. Cheating is about being depraved enough to feel entitled to hurt other human being. Cheaters are evil, if we define evil as the purposeful choice to hurt another human being.

    Fuck all cheaters apologists and the whores they rode on.

  • “….demand that they open up their relationship.” Oh, hell to the no! I will not do all the work and they have all the fun.” Not on MY back or MY dime!
    Towards the end, that is what was happening. On Dday this is exactly what I said. “Not on my back and not on my dime,” as I was tossing his crap into the designer luggage, aka Hefty garbage bags!

  • Murder, incest, theft, cheating, rape, physical abuse, sexual harassment all exist in nature and must be good. Your puritanical minds just can’t process this. #makehumanitygreatagain

  • Men are naturally stronger than women. Women are naturally nurturing, softer, more vulnerable. Therefore Weinstein et al are all perfectly normal exercising their natural urges. Bonobo chimps are known to sexually assault juveniles if adult females aren’t available. Therefore pedophiles are acting normally. Some female animals will eat their own young. So Susan Smith is not an aberration.
    What a crock of shit.
    Everybody has natural impulses that run contrary to peaceful legal constraints. The important thing is that we don’t ACT on them. Nobody is perfect. Nobody can stem the well of resentment when the dog won’t stop barking next door, the baby won’t stop crying, the boss is favouring his nephew, the plumber can’t fix the leak today…but we can damn well not shoot the dog, shake the baby, punch the boss or slap the tradesman.

    • I think you about wrapped it up, wasjustanotherchump!!!

      Love how you made the point:

      “…..but we can damn well not shoot the dog, shake the baby, punch the boss or slap the tradesman.”

      Exactly! We all have agency, even people with special mental and or emotional challenges still know what’s right & wrong, still have a moral compass.

      Cheaters willingly, knowingly, purposefully choose to do the wrong, hurtful and immoral thing. Because they can….Sickos all They can all stew in that crock of poop!

      Love all ya all as we ForgeOn!

  • I’m at work right now and feel like having a wank, think I should go for it? I mean, isn’t it natural to have these urges?

    Oh wait, I’ll get fired and be registered as a sex offender. Hmmm… Society is so unnatural! It’s not me, it’s them!

    • And to think I just hump my office chair like I saw a chimp do to a dirt mound at the zoo. I’m doing nature wrong!

  • Thank you CL for the UBT. Arsenic is natural LOL
    after being confronted at DD2 X got an EA OW to write to me that I had nothing to worry about from her. Er apart from the fact my then husband of decades is secretly messaging the same intimate endearments he calls me to some single female? I did not reply (my issue was with him not some random with a lack of character). It was not his first cheating incident but I’d believed the previous lies before the gaps in my credulity were grew too big. Then at DD2 he let slip that DD1 had actually not just been an EA. conversations – they just lead to problems…Now I trust that he sucks, and am working on gaining a life so that one Tuesday I will get to meh. So many ‘natural’ things cheaters remind me of – leeches and other parasites, vermin, infections…where’s that bottle of cheater begone again?

  • I have to go back and keep reading, but sweet Jesus, Tracey… you got me with this one:

    “Women compete to have men, who are not designed to be faithful. Because… oxytocin. Bitches will just bond with anything.”

    Gotta go clean myself up – hot tea through the nose! WORTH. IT.

    Newbies – these gems will bring your back to yourself… laughter at the insanity of the cheaters (and the RIC) is key to regaining your sanity.

    • Laughed out loud at this:

      “That’s all very fine and good but it doesn’t negate the fact that Bambi’s mother dies. Deal.”

      Strange looks on thet train. Again.

  • I’m sorry to bring religion into this but, God created man in His own image and set us apart from all other species from the beginning. So no, infidelity is not natural. Monogamy is. Adultery falls short of God’s ideal for His children. Don’t forget the number 6 and number 10: Don’t commit adultery and don’t covet your neighbor’s wife. Furthermore there are only two permissible reasons for divorce. One being if your spouse commits adultery. To say monogamy isn’t natural or marriage was created as a business transaction is utterly ridiculous! Those are cheater excuses.

    • Support ya on this, StartofSomethingGood. Also, humans can be a higher order of creation, above animals, if we get our souls into our lives. If our lusts enslave us? We are not animals, we are demons.

      • We can take religion out of it and say that as humans we have developed an understanding of what is right and wrong because we aspire to be more than animals. This nonsense is just an excuse to do whatever you f#%&ing feel like. Commitment and dedication mean not always doing or getting what you want. Holy shit, today’s post made me feel like my head would explode. CL, you were right on the money!!

        • It’s even more basic than that. I don’t’ give a shit if monogamy is “normal” or if cheating is empirically right or wrong. This is not what I signed up for, nor what you promised. I lived up to my part of the bargain, you did not. Consequences. Goodbye.

        • Yes! This is so obvious. Thank you CL for being the voice of reason albeit sarcasm. Is it possible that with all this hype of the “me too” band wagon, that victims of spousal/financial/sexual/emotional abuse will also achieve societal vindication?
          It’s time to stop the acceptance of infidelity because “everybody does it” or “if it feels good, do it” attitudes.

    • Well said, Start…!!!!

      I agree 100%. God gave us free will, not free-for-all-that-I-feel-entitled-to-no-consequences

    • Yet the ultimate mindfuck is when the cheater claims that “God has already forgiven them” and actually “approves “of what they’re doing. Yes my exH truly believes this and thinks I’m just not on the same spirtitual plane to understand or comprehend it all. You see he’s finally found his soulmate that God meant to be his only one, and of course he must fix the greatest mistake he ever made, to do “what is right”.

      The cheater will use whatever mental gymnastics required to justify their feelings and validate their actions. Even if it means throwing the GOD CARD out there, because why wouldn’t I believe this was all part of God’s plans and who am I to argue against God?

      Thus making my cheater feel like the sinner that’s SO ASSURE he’s been saved, while making the victim appear incapable of accepting that God’s will is to make sure cheater is happy. Apparently, God makes exceptions to the Ten Commandments for those who sins leads to happiness? That sums up all of Cheater Philosophy

      • My Cheater, a former drug addict, alcoholic, and convicted felon, now a Born-again Christian, gave me the whole “God has forgiven me” speech. When he told me, “You need to open your heart to the Lord to give me forgiveness, ” my response was “Fuck you.” I am glad that his religion brings him comfort and helps him remain clean and sober. However, I will not stand for it to be used to manipulate me. The thing he can’t quite understand is, I have forgiven him, I just don’t want him to be my husband anymore. He may be religious now but he hasn’t lost that sense of entitlement. He is no longer entitled to be my husband after all he’s done.

        • Oh I like that for a response. Since most all cheaters feel entitled to their cheating ways. The best come back would be to let them and any others know that the cheater is no longer entitled to be my spouse… My cheating ex-wife would flip if she heard that.

        • There are people who USE Christianity/religion as if it was another entitlement program. They also use it to hide behind and as a tool of manipulation. The Bible refers to these people as wolves in sheeps clothing….and we are told to beware of them! They are not Christians! They are using the cover of Christianity to manipulate & deceive

          • My ex and I were leaders in our church system. It did not stop him from abusing me or from cheating. His OW (now wife) was a church pianist. She has on her FB the she ‘believes in biblical marriage….1 man, 1 woman…for life’….she put it on there WHILE screwing my husband. He is her 3rd husband. You just cannot make up this level of crazy.

            Because they are now so HAPPY, HAPPY, HAPPY (at least in public) and I am so ANGRY AND JUDGMENTAL…..hahahahahaha…..they are such BETTER CHRISTIANS THAN I AM….omg…..

            God created marriage from the beginning to keep everyone taken care of and happy, to keep children safe, and to show what a relationship with Him is supposed to look like. Loyal, honorable, close and respectful. All of the cheating and lying destroys everyone except the cheater. It is the exact opposite of God’s intention.

            Those who hide behind religion, or use it to batter the betrayed spouse are the lowest form of garbage there is.

            I have a relationship with God and do my best not to trash it, me, or anyone else. It makes bile rise in my mouth that so many pretend to be christian and use that as a smokescreen to hide their evil behind. It is slap in the face to God, real christians, and the faithful spouses who have raised their children to know and love the way of God that protects families and individuals and then have to watch them lose all faith because of the actions of one parent and the adultery partner.

            I have a son that was the sweetest, most loving person you could ever meet; loved the Word of God all his life, and was called to preach at a young age…only to lose trust in God and damage his life in unbelievable ways while dealing with the pain of it all and his father’s betrayal. The OW made friends with him AT CHURCH 2 years before the divorce and 3 years before being introduced as daddy’s ‘new’ GF. It made such a mess of his loyalty and led him to completely abandon me and then subsequently mess up his life. I worry about him the most. He is like me…gentle, kind, and used to be loyal to too many. He has all the makings of a chump, and I can’t help him because he’s believed all the lies thrown out.

            This UBT is spot on and I can’t believe that anyone is so stupid to believe this drivel.

  • The Disney model doesn’t negate that only 5% of animals are monogamous? WTF?

    Not sure what the Disney model is but I challenge her to name a Disney movie with a 2 parent intact family. Mary Popins. Going back quite a ways for that one. Many don’t even have a dad character- some type of natural asexual reproduction I am missing?

    What about those 5% in nature, maybe they are highly evolved- shall we explore that? No, let’s try to hang with the majority of mice.

  • I have no idea who this woman is, but that article–I mean rubbish– she wrote depicts how hard she’s trying to validate what sounds like her own lifestyle choices.

    “I am not evil! Just natural! Because naturally, I can’t stick to one man, because–nature. And hormones.”

  • It scares me to death to read this drivel. There seems to be a whole legion of Boodram and Perel people out there pretending to be “normal” when it comes to traditional marriage. Trouble is, you find out after you have married them that don’t buy into the traditional model! It may be “natural”, but most human beings have evolved enough to know right from wrong and infidelity is WRONG! We aren’t cavemen and women anymore! Family isn’t created to be used by some entitled cheater to further his happiness quota! For heavens sake, where do these idiots get these twisted ideas? Makes me wonder how they were raised. Maybe in a cave or under a rock! What happened to the vow “forsaking all others”? We’re those just words with no meaning to the cheater? Apparently!

    • Cheaters marry to take their chumps off the market. Because they want their chumps all to themselves. That accomplished, they do what they want. Reciprocity is a difficult concept for them to understand.

    • In the small print my ExWhore had inserted a caveat “forsaking all others until I find someone I think is better”.

      I didn’t get that clause added to my vows.

        • My husband stood before me, God, and our friends and family and vowed those words, only to tell me 18 years later that DURING THE WEDDING he was creating a scorecard in his head that went this way:

          If I got what I wanted that made me happy, I won.
          If he got what he wanted, or kept me from getting what I wanted, he won….and HE wasn’t losing.

          While speaking vows he was figuring out how to make sure I would never be happy. There are no words for this brand of fucked-up.

          If he had told me there was a competition, I would never have married him; and if I had been stupid enough to marry him anyway, I could have at least understood what was happening and could have ‘played’ the game.

          As always….you can’t make this stuff up….

  • Eat pray love lady’s partner just died, and I’m sad for her, but everyone on Facebook is posting her homage and totally glossing over the destruction of her previous partner and infidelity that came with this union. People are all heartbroken and sobbing for her and her love. Except… what about the stuff you left in the rubble. Oh. Look at my amazing stuff. The power the glory. Ignore the reality/mess/consequences behind the curtain.

    It is fine and good to say you’re open. You want a relationship where other partners are allowed. I actually know that some folks with that life choice who are functional and loving and happy, as are their multiple partners of varying degrees of commitment. But that’s based on rules reality and trust. This isn’t what most cheaters want. They want cake. They want to get one over on you. They bask in their awesomeness of being adored and loved and awesome and also sneaking off to get a wank. Ugh. I’m just sad. I wish life wasn’t so fucking hard.

    • Damn, Elizabeth Gilbert is sucking up the kibbles today, isn’t she. I have immense sympathy for her partner, RIP, but not for Gilbert herself. How better to cast herself back into the limelight after that godawful book, than to ditch her second husband to become lesbian. “Look how enlightened I am!! And I chose a dying woman for my next relationship so that all eyes will be on me as I compassionately sit by her bed in Hospice!! Aren’t I the cat’s meow?”

      She’s not hip or enlightened, she’s pathetic and a moral reprobate.

      • My terrible side thinks her choices were based on knowing that her partner was dying -she can say that she was faithful to one partner. this woman was a part of her life for years and only took priority once she was falling into the abyss. Gilbert is a cold strange woman. I don’t understand how people think she’s an example to follow.

    • The stuff she left in the rubbble for AT LEAST the second time. She blew up the marriage she went to eat, pray, and love to get over via infidelity as well.

  • I know I shouldn’t feel this way but when I read this kind of tripe, my first thought is to hope that someday this idiot writing this clickbait shite will have it happen to them, because that is the only way they are going to understand.

    But I know that’s wrong to wish someone ill and because I have a conscience, unlike cheaters, I immediately remind myself that I don’t actually wish chumpdom on anyone, even a clueless blameshifting self-appointed expert, sexpert or self styled “sexologist.” Another wannabee Perel?

    • You’re not alone in feeling that way. If she doesn’t have enough natural empathy to be able to imagine being chumped, then the only way she will understand it is if she experiences it for herself.

      Don’t feel bad for feeling that way about her. It’s only natural, after all 😉

      • Good one! Yeah, it’s all so “natural”. My kicking cheaterpants out of our home on Dday, kicking him off the family phone plan, cancelling his internet access, and fighting tooth and nail to get him off the house deed was all “natural” as well. After all, my own natural reactions, pursuing my personal happiness is paramount (snicker).

    • I think they are living/writing some massive pick-me dance. Like, they built a career on it, they’ve bet everything on it, it’s their identity.

    • Even if it happens to her I don’t think she will be as devastated as we were; she obviously does not know how to commit and feel the sanctity of marriage. It’s cheap to her. It’s negotiable. She will just shrug and find a new partner immediately to validate her opinion.

      • Exactly. They never are invested to begin with. I think the only ‘pain’ they feel is the slight to the ego. The actual pain from a devastating loss like that would only be possible if they loved the chump. XH loved me the same as he loved he favorite shirt. One day he found a shirt he loved more. Then he found a bunch of other shirts. I just got relegated to the closet floor.

  • When I found out Debbie Douchebag was screwing the preacher, I naturally wanted to take that sawed off, Remington 12 gauge under my truck seat and allow him to have a real conversation with Jesus.

    I don’t think my “natural” defense would have kept me out of the Crossbars Hotel.

    • Indeed SDC! Absolutely NOTHING is more “natural” than feeling murderous rage at having been deceived, robbed, and your life endangered. But these “natural” supporters would never support that because it would have consequences landing on their head for a change.

    • I wanted to take my blue crow bar to The Virus’s(OM) skull. But I denied my “natural” impulses. Like you say. I kick his c*nt in I go to jail. He fucks up my family I pay for divorce.

      Win win for him.

        • I found out we can lose our entire life, reputation, family, and everything that we value and we are supposed to just suck it up, forgive, pay, pay, pay, and crap bunnies and rainbows. But..if we even say something ‘negative’ we are instantly horrible people…let alone want to punish the evil doer.

  • This just makes me feel sad. Sad because the author may actually believe everything she wrote; sad because if she’s not, she is using a ridiculous angle on cheating to sell books, and mostly sad because cheaters and wannabe cheaters who read this will feel justified. Just another chip chiseled off modern day morality.

    I’m forever changed because of what my mate did. I consider myself pretty strong, incredibly hopeful. I survived some pretty nasty stuff in my life. But destroying my family, and the way my stbx did it (the double life, the lies, dragging the divorce,etc) really did me in.

    She can go fuck herself.

    • I’m sorry, Mjo; suffering from infidelity does feel like it defines us afterwards. I don’t know how far out you are from D-day and divorce, but after the initial shock & awe, then anger, then pain & grief, you will turn a corner. When I first came to this site, other chumps would tell me that the experience would eventually make me stronger and wiser. Wiser, I was willing to concede, but stronger? How could that be? To have your whole life undermined by deception and yet be better for it?

      But it happened, quite to my surprise. I will never “get over” the betrayal, but it has altered my life trajectory for the better in many ways, including the desire to help others. It has also made me fearless; once the horror of having 24 years of love, effort, and devotion blow up in one’s face happens, what else is there to be scared of?

      • Tempest, I agree that I am stronger, wiser, and indeed a better/kinder person for what has happened to me. Yet–I would undo it in a heartbeat if I could. Like Mjo I feel forever changed in a deep way which is not essentially better for me. Partly, I think that a lot of the cheater based narrative about infidelity survives in our culture because NO ONE (including us chumps) want to admit that this action causes immense, irreversible, irreducible harm to people.

        • I completely agree; the harm is irreversible.

          Interesting point, though, about whether we’d be willing to undo it. Certainly I would not wish the horror I lived through on anyone (including myself). But…I also recognize that infidelity was probably the only basis on which I would have left a marriage to a subtle and sophisticated emotional abuser. Though I was prepared to leave because of the emotional abuse, I know in my heart of hearts I would have been lured back by his pitiful protestations and promises to change (it had already happened numerous times).

          The infidelity has also altered my career path in a way that will allow me to help more people than I could have otherwise, and to add lectures to my classes that may prevent young people from chumpdom. Thus, I’m at a point where the good that arose out of the infidelity might be more than than the pain of it. Maybe; still contemplating.

          • I’m finding I am becoming stronger. But, I’m also ‘harder’ in ways I never would have chosen. My trust level will never be what it used to be, and that sweet, loving, open person is gone forever. The pain has etched places on my heart and soul that may scar over, but the scars are here for life. My hope is that the scars will eventually turn into a beautiful mosaic of growth, healing, and a testament that can show others that you do survive, thrive, and are better off leaving.

            I should have left years earlier than I did (married 25 years), but I stayed to protect my kids. He threatened all kinds of stuff to me and them if I left. I was stupid, naive, and saw him thru the lens of my belief that most people were like me and trying their best.

            I eventually lost everything i tried so hard to hold onto. It was not worth it to lose so many years of my life, my children’s affection, and my dignity. I never would have counseled a woman to leave her marriage, but I do so now anytime they tell me stories that even hint at life with a Cluster B.

  • Only correlation between nature and Mr. Sparkles urges is that he’s probably had more than one blow job in the woods from a tranny dressed up as Little Red Riding. Hood.

    All I gots on this drivel is if you want a polyamorous relationship, then have the courage to own that and find a partner who has a mutual desire. Please, however, don’t procreate (see paternity testing)… don’t bring kids into a situation where they are powerless to mind-fucking as well as multi-partner fucking.

    Mr. Sparkles is a non-discriminate, opportunistic serial cheater who pathologically needs the “mask” of relationship normalcy to hide behind. THAT. IS. WHO. HE. IS. and it has nothing to do with nature.

  • “Encourage opacity…”

    Wait, I don’t think those words mean what she thinks they mean. Hmm, could she be bass-ackwards and full of shit?

    • Translation….’Cover Up the Lies’. ‘Hide the truth of the pain it causes’. ‘Get away with being a lying, cheating, POS’

  • What an insightful view into the minds of cheaters and cheater apologists.

    The premise that “if it has happines in nature, then yes, it’s natural” exibits the laziness and lack of critical thinking required to impersonate evolved thinking, the irony is astounding.

    CL hit it out of the park….UBT wins!!!!!

  • “It’s not your partner fucking other people that’s traumatic, it’s your inability to identify patterns. Avoid polka dots. And plaid.”

    😂 😂😂

    Ah, the evolution/ biology argument, it always makes me laugh. Hey, you want to know why people aren’t responsible for their own behavior… evolution my friends! It’s this funny thing that theorizes we have evolved to higher level thinkinking, thus making us capable of controling natural animalistic urges, but hey, that doesn’t work for my argument… sooooo let’s drop the entire basis of the evolutionary theory argument. I like to cherry pick my arguments. I find context dropping so convenient! It works for me, you should try it! Want to make your point even more believable? Simple shift the focus to something completely unrealated. The mating habits of chickens and fruit flies for example. Evolution must apply to them too, so let’s use that assumption to solidify our argument! Cherry pick my friends, it will never fail to provide you a relevant argument!

    • I couldn’t not comment on this

      “because generally speaking, people do not want what satisfies them and their morals to be in direct conflict”

      Well duh 🙄… and that’s what cheater apologists and justification are for!

      I say she’s doing a pretty good job of both. Yay for her, supplying firsts aid to the cheaters broken moral compass, as to destroy any possibilities of guilt. Why feel guilt when you can feel good? Sounds super evolutionary to me! Oh wait, isn’t part of evolution the ability to suppress those selfish urges, and actually experience guilt? I’m pretty sure my dog feels more guilt rummaging through the trash than cheaters feel for cheating!

      Dam… looks like her own argument of evolution puts her low on the evolutionary totem pole. better slap a muzzle on her and drag her around on a leash… it’s only natural!

      #notevolved

    • This line of bullshit spewed by Ms. Boodram is an affront to evolutionary psychology. You’re right, Got-a-Brain, it cherry picks the science to support an erroneous conclusion.

      Furthermore, the world’s foremost evolutionary psychologist on mating, David Buss, was also the first one to empirically find that the intention to cheat is highly associated with narcissistic traits and lack of conscientiousness (Buss & Shackelford, 1997). And yet, the cherry pickers never seem to cite that article. Hmmmm.

  • Holy shit that was irritating. Thank God the UBT was there to clear that word vomit up.

    The beautiful thing about being human is that we recognize we are animals but we rise above animal tendencies to be better! It’s beautiful to follow empathic, moral values that benefit humanity as a whole and not a selfish Darwin desire of survival of the fittest or duping a loving spouse do you can eat cake! People who do that are fucking low ass human garbage closer to animals than humans.

  • I hate these articles that try to justify this crap. They seem to always try to “lift up” somebody, regardless of the choices that person makes in their life.

    I hate to sound like an old codger, but it just seems like society nowadays is always looking to make everyone feel good about themselves regardless of the choices that they make. Everyone gets a trophy, everyone needs to celebrate themselves, everyone needs total fulfillment…..regardless of what it takes to get there.

    Accountability to others……what’s that? Putting someone else ahead of yourself…..why would you do something like that? For whatever reason, pursuing personal happiness even if it comes at somebody else’s expense, is something that’s encouraged, tolerated and justified. We’re not better off as a society for that.

  • My feelings of hurt, betrayal, and rage are pretty natural. My desire to take a shovel to the AP is pretty natural. I should accept these feeling and open my mind to the possibilities.

    What a truckload of BS.

  • when you think about it, you can justify anything. It doesnt make it right. I was told if I dyed my hair, he wont have cheated on me. people will think what they want. its what you think that matters. My ex says God helps him. shame God couldnt help him earlier (he must have been busy).

  • I just had to Google the article’s author, Shannon Boodram. According to her Linked In profile she’s a (self-proclaimed) “Sex and Love Expert” – yay for her!

    To achieve this lofty title she didn’t waste time studying human psychology or sociology. Nope. She took the more serious route to becoming an “expert” by getting a BA in English from Coppin State and an Associates degree in Journalism from Centennial College. Then, in 2014-2015 she attended the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality (IASHS).

    On their webpage, the IASHS boasts the longest standing graduate program in Human Sexuality with the largest resource library in the world, and that they’re “considered the Harvard of human sexology study”. The fact that self-proclaimed sex and love expert Shannon Boodram studied for well over one year(!) at the self-proclaimed Harvard of human sexology study tells me her opinion should be given all the credibility it deserves.

    I would guess that it’s only a matter of time before the Nobel Committee discovers her body of work and begins engraving her name on a medal.

    • OMG — thank you for posting this. I am now firmly convinced that KK’s need for tax documentation “to apply to grad school” has to do with this “program,” or something very close to it.

      She wants to be some version of Ms. Boodram.

    • I googled her also. I had to laugh when I saw her self proclaimed nickname “Shanboody”. If that doesn’t scream professionalism and credibility, I don’t know what does. 🤨

  • You know, I could agree with the author on a couple of points. I think there are times when everyone would like fun without responsibility. Who wouldn’t like to eat ice cream for breakfast? If I met someone and AT THE OUTSET, they said they wanted an open relationship because they were incapable of being with one man, I would have the option of deciding my own course of action with my eyes wide open. Cheaters don’t do that!! That’s what they’re called cheaters for fuck’s sake. Making excuses for why you couldn’t live up to the promises you made and blaming it on being unnatural is pretty fucking weak.

    The only thing I have good to say about this excuse is that it isn’t as saying to the faithful spouse that “if only you … this wouldn’t have happened”.

    I may never be in a relationship again, but if someone asked me if I would be okay with an open, no-strings-attached relationship, the answer would be no thanks. I guess that makes me unnatural.

    • Count me as unnatural too then.
      Not long after The Evil One and my divorce was final, I started dating a guy I had known for months. He did in fact tell me that he would never be monogamous again (he had just divorced himself), but that I was his “primary” (ahem) “girl”(not the term he used).
      At that comment I told him that he was now my “primary ex” .

        • Yeah, When my ex and I were in marriage counseling, he mansplained to me that he didn’t cheat, he just explored polyamory without telling me. He told me I should read the “Ethical Slut” so I could understand him better. I reminded him that he’d lost any claim to being ethical, and if he tried to call me his “primary” one more time, I would puke in his face and kick him in the nuts.

  • If cheating is natural and common through the ages, then so is killing the cheater. If we legitimize one, we should legitimize the other.

  • I need her husband to spend their assets on jewelry and vacations for me because #testosterone. It’s just natural for me to want the good stuff and not have to work for it.

  • Every time I read crap like this I run into the same misconception, that cheaters cheat because they are just wandering idiots who are biologically compelled. Like chump lady wrote, they cheat because they enjoy deception. They like having secret knowledge which gives them an upper hand. They also don’t just cheat sexually, there are always lies that extend beyond sex. Lies about money, status, their history, who said or did what. They deceive everyone, even and especially their close family. It’s all about power.

  • T. S. Eliot:
    Nature is red in tooth and claw.

    Rising above primitive urges is what allows humans to build societies.

    People who do not control their impulses are locked up. I want your hunk of meat- I will bash you in the head for it. Natural? Yes. But who wants to live beside my cave? No one.

    Waxing dreamy about nature is what I did when I was 14. When you see things like your gerbil eating it’s babies, almost drown in a rip tide or try to live in Florida with no air conditioning- those hyper idealized myths of nature being a benevolent earth mother granny are vaporized.

    You can’t have tea with a tiger, and you can’t marry a subhuman clod who believes fucking when the urge hits is their right because they felt an itch of lust.

  • Will comment more substantially, but just wanted to say that “Stop looking at strangling flaky columnists with concertina wire as some sort of heinous crime.” made my day.

  • Completely spurious argument to argue that what is “common” or “natural (i.e., occurs in nature)” is morally acceptable.

    List of things that are sadly, statistically common, but run the gamut from slightly immoral to downright evil:
    -child abuse
    -shoplifting
    -stealing towels from hotel rooms
    -taking more than you can eat from an All-you-can-eat-buffet
    -lying and manipulation

    Events that are natural, but not moral:
    -Male gorillas who enter a new troop will kill the infants so that their mothers come into estrus sooner
    -mother birds tossing weak baby birds out of the nest
    -warring chimpanzees will bite off their opponents’ fingers and genitals
    -and all the things mentioned above (e.g., female insects eating the heads of their partners after mating)

  • I heard Dr. Phil say this years ago and it has stayed with me ever since:

    When you choose the behavior, you choose the consequences.

    I guess I’m just a 46-year-old, twice-divorced narrow-minded, fuddy-duddy that just “doesn’t understand” how things are nowadays.
    I’m must not be as enlightened or as open minded as I should be to accept this drivel as legitimate consideration or something for me to accept as truth.

    Hell to the no. Fuck that noise.
    I’ll stay single with a goldfish and a puppy in the corner than deal with this mess.

    • Sometimes I feel like a throw back, but I ‘m totally monogamous, loyal, and honest. After reading on this site and a few others, coupled with who I married, I’m not sure I will ever date/marry again. I would love to know what it should have been like, but I can’t live any version of that again.

      It has helped hearing the male chumps on here, and knowing there are men like that out there, but I have no idea how to find or identify them. The fear he instilled in me is still too present.

      • I agree, Freer. I have been single since my divorce partly because I’m a working, single mom of three who tried Match and found it to be too time-consuming (and ultimately, not for me) and partly because my life is relatively calm and happy right now (the “relatively” part is due to my ex-cheater and his horrid Owife who find it hard to be kind to my kids). Why would I want to open myself up to another potential cheater situation? Like you said, I thought that my ex was a decent person, and I was clearly wrong. I’d rather be single and at peace than feel the excitement of what I think is a potential new love and have it turn out to be another nightmare.

        • I’d rather be married and at peace, but have no confidence it’s doable. These jerks take so much from us thst we are forever different. I’m not closing the door, but won’t actively seek anyone.

  • Boodram’s article reminds me of articles on the Graduate Record Exam (GRE) which test takers need to analyze for logical merit. With little effort, even straight out of bed having had little sleep (I have had little high quality sleep since last discard by my ex-boyfriend), I could write a thesis on the logical holes in this article.

    One thing that is noticeably lacking is attention to the effect of the betrayal/mistreatment/abuse by cheating partner and OM/OW on chump. While the OM/OW might not have pulled the trigger on the murder weapon (directly caused the detonation of the relationship between chump and chump’s partner), the OM/OW acted as an accomplice (drove the getaway vehicle from the crime scene). When I first met my partners, especially last boyfriend, I felt as though my new partner (old friend in my last case), during the Idealization Stage, made me feel beautiful, competent, worthy, and loved. After twisting myself into a pretzel to make my partner happy as I loved him and wanted to remain his partner for life, during the Devaluation and Discard Stages, his response, to subtly and overtly to revile and reject me contributed to me feeling ugly, incompetent, unworthy, and unloved. While I realize that my view of myself is determined by me, to say that that the deceit and disrespect of cheaters/abusers didn’t serve as a trigger to my new negative feelings and thoughts about me and the world in general would be outlandish.

    To Boodram’s statement about the chump creating an environment facilitating communication, I would laugh if I were not roiling in nausea thinking about the sick, twisted discard by my last boyfriend nearly five months ago. Numerous times I gently encouraged him (and my husband), timid forest creatures, to talk to me about our relationship, only to be told that nothing was wrong in the case of my boyfriend and I was the problem in the case of my husband. A lot was wrong–my boyfriend was planning his ‘escape’ (this happened before both discards) and husband was thinking about his affairs.

    I’ll address one more bee in my bonnet brought to my attention by this sexologist’s article, I am SICK of Affair Partners calling the shots on the relationships between their illicit partners and chumps. Both my husband’s co-worker affair partner, one of several affair partners, and the one who asked my husband to impregnate her while married to me and then get a vasectomy, unbeknownst to me, and my husband’s latest girlfriend during separation from me advised me on how to manage my marriage and divorce. The balls of them!

    In academia, authors often write articles based on questions that arose from the last article they wrote.
    So how about an article on how chumps can deal with the fallout of adultery, betrayal, and often long-standing mistreatment or even abuse? Here’s a ‘short’ list of some key words for Boodram to look up in her literature search for her ‘research:’ (and I’m not referring to chumps who were mentally ill before D-day): confusion, numbness, nausea, vomiting, dramatic weight change, insomnia (for months), exhaustion, trembling, tingling hands, hair loss, skin diseases (break outs), chronic crying, chest pains, anxiety, panic attacks, fear of loss of time with children, grief, divorce, long-standing poverty, effect of lost productivity on society, unwarranted shame/guilt, permanent lack of trust in other humans, rage, loss of self-esteem/self-respect, major depression, suicide–to name a few.

    I wish that I could just wash off all the filth of being betrayed that seems to envelop me, pervade every pore of my body and poison me these last several months/years.

    Hope that the day just gets better from here on for all good chumps!

    • RSW: Thank you so much for mentioning the logical holes in the article. I was astonished at the repeated errors. It’s so bad. Any dignified editor would have a field day with the article.

    • Yes Yes and Yes.

      TMI- The largest discovery of betrayal from my partner…. the mother lode of evidence that could not be denied… gave me such terrible diarrhea that I shit my pants at work. Sexy and natural, huh?

      • Redding, well, it is Natural so if we understand the rules under which Boodram has payed out for us, you’re okay!! So if you were at work you could have just sat around with your co-workers and when they complained about the stink you could have acted all innocent about the source of the stink. Isn’t that what cheaters do? You ask over and over again if they are troubled or unhappy and they deny any problem exists at all!

        • I imagine cheater manbabies shitting their pants pretending everything’s OK, trying not to cry while they wait for chumpy mommy to wipe off their ass and clean their shit up. :))))

  • There are tasks that I am required to do as part of my job that I find tedious and I would prefer not to do them. I do them because I understood them to be part of the job when I accepted the position. I applied for this job. I wasn’t forced into it and no one stands over me with a whip or a gun forcing me to keep it. This is a contractual arrangement to which I agreed – I perform certain tasks for which I am compensated at a rate to which I agreed. If this job was not to my liking, I was able to apply for other positions which may have been more in line with my mental, physical and psychological imperatives.

    I do not believe that anyone at CN was in an arranged marriage (see Ms. Boodram’s drivel regarding concerns about legitimate offspring, passing down assets, etc.). I believe that to a person we were all volunteers, including the cheaters. We are not talking about oxytocin, nature or any other biological imperatives here. What we’re actually talking about is misrepresentation, hypocrisy, mendacity, poor impulse control and lack of character. Similar characteristics which drive the thoughts and behaviors of all types of ne’er-do-wells up to and including serial killers.

    I cut my hair and I never intend to have it long again. Any man who desires a woman with long hair should not date me. My Ex knew one of my criteria for marriage was monogamy. I made no secret of it. If he did not believe in monogamy and he wanted to be free to pursue other women, I was not the woman for him and he was not the man for me. No harm, no foul. The problem was he wanted someone who believed in monogamy who would not cheat on him. The only way to achieve that was to lie and deceive me – until he didn’t. He volunteered for job for which he wanted payment without doing any of the work. So yes, my Ex was being natural – a natural asshole.

  • As a general rule, humans spend far more time trying to justify their bad behavior than changing it. And the
    “If it occurs in nature, then yes, it is natural.” argument is absurd, because rape, slavery, murder, killing the newborn of another male, females as chattel, violent rejection of those from a different tribe/herd/group, and eating one’s young all occur in the “natural” animal world, and yet I don’t hear the “enlightened” sexologists defending those practices. It’s always only monogamy that’s “unnatural” — funny how that works.

    I could “justify” a liking for theft, rape, or child molestation — and there are people who do — but that wouldn’t make any of those things right.

    • “As a general rule, humans spend far more time trying to justify their bad behavior than changing it.”

      Standing ovation.

      • Yes, this! X’s justifications for cheating were hilarious. Looking back, of course. Truth was, marriage vows meant nothing to him.

      • Excellent food for thought! Although I think that this statement (about humans spending more time trying to justify their bad behavior than try to change it) is directed at the cheater/abusers liars who are the subject in many of these posts, I am going to modify it to use for my (a chump’s) benefit: ‘As a general rule, humans spend far more time trying to justify their unproductive behavior than changing it.’ My behavior these days might not be ‘bad’ (unethical), but my behavior, characterized by much rumination over awful treatment by my last couple of partners, is not helping me get better. So every time my mind wanders to rumination over the dirt these guys did (me and others), I will acknowledge the thought and then think of ways I can improve the world, even in some small way.

        Example:
        Ruminative thought: ‘That F–ktard lied to me about [Fill in the blank]!’ Emotion/effect associated with ruminative thought: Anger, grief, depression.
        Healthy, productive follow on thought: ‘Today, I am going to do everything I can to help homeless people and animals find shelter as soon as possible.’ Emotion/effect associated with healthy, productive thought: Don’t know yet, but it can’t be any worse than what I’ve been feeling! I hope that coming up with this type of thought will give me a little break (even if for just a few seconds) from grieving/feeling angry and help me do something good for others (who deserve good).

        I hope that someday I can look back on the happy times in my relationships with these former partners and feel positive emotions without longing for these partners who hurt me and without thinking, ‘Was this ‘real?’ (as in ‘Did my partner love me or at least like me when he did those nice things for me or I thought that we were having fun together?’) or was he miserable/lying to me? I’d like to think that the last couple of decades was not just a ‘lie.’ Months after the last abandonment, I still feel hurt that my boyfriend said (both years he abandoned me), ‘I just want to be happy (in very angsty, self-pitying way); I want to run away from you!’ This from a guy in his late 40s.

  • All people have to be is honest. 17 years ago cheater wife could have said I like to talk dirty and raunchy with men and women, “flirt”, and have more than one sexual partner. I would have then known- nope this won’t work for what I’m looking for in a relationship, best of luck to you in your journey, goodbye.

    But cheaters don’t want to be honest. They work hard at being dishonest….because they want it ALL- they are greedy. They want the image of monogamy without being monogamous. They want to be taken care of and have security while they do stuff on the side to fulfill their excitement fervor that is storming inside their brain.

  • Thanks for the link to the article.

    I think the best answer to the question, “Am I a terrible person for doing this [cheating on my spouse],” is “Yes, you are a terrible person unless you sought out and gained permission from your spouse to have sex with someone else. In this case, you are not cheating.”

    The answer to the person who wants to know if s/he’s a terrible person for dating a married person is similar: yes, you are. Unless you sought out and gained permission from that person’s spouse prior to sleeping with that spouse. In this case, there’s no cheating because everyone knows about it and is on board with it.

    Those situations are polyamorous. If both spouses entered into the marriage with the understanding that the marriage was not monogamous and that there would be ground rules about taking lovers both long and short term, well then!

    But as we know, this isn’t really what happens. What happens is that Cheater decides to cheat, gets caught, and then pleads that sleeping around is natural (and by the way, good question: why is it natural for men, but the article omits that it might be natural for women?). In other words, it’s not his fault he lied and cheated; it’s his dick’s. Poor dick. It has no moral compass.

    This is why the last paragraph of the essay completely contradicts the previous two paragraphs, in which honesty about sleeping around outside the marriage is supposed to come into play. “Women who are the victims of an affair: First step, realize that it’s not you, it’s not him, it’s nature. He is not evil, he may just lack discipline.”

    It’s not “discipline” that he lacks; it’s truthfulness. It’s honesty. It’s trustworthiness. So yes, if you’re the victim of an affair, it isn’t you, but it is absolutely your spouse’s lack of moral integrity. Don’t eat the shit sandwich that he’s a victim of his biology. His biology didn’t make him lie. Perform the exorcism. Lose that cheater and go find a life that’s much more genuine.

  • A quick google search reveals the “author” to be Shannon Boodram aka Shan Booty or Shan Bootylicious. She’s a comedian and actress and social media figure. She claims to be studying to be a “sexologist” at a dubious “institution” of sexology. She’s in it for fame and shock. There’s nothing there.

    • I read on Esther Putrid’s wiki page that she has experience as an actress…more kibbles/adulation/applause when she gets on stage to spew

  • Men are usually bigger in stature and stronger than women and children. Obvious, scientifically proven fact. Does that mean they “naturally” are built to physically control weaker beings and we should forgive, or at least understand if they use this physical power over those weaker then them?

    That boat don’t float.

  • So much wrong with this article (logical fallacies galore!), but I will focus on what I think is the primary piece of word salad BS:

    A. She argues it is natural to have extra-marital affairs–and to be the AP to one
    –(She ignores that some level of deception is required for this to occur, since the cheater spoke VOWS that promised fidelity. She ignores the cheater’s active betrayal of spouse and family.)

    B. She argues that some APs feel competitive with the spouse … others just want a piece of the cheater’s life
    –(She ignores that this competition is with someone who doesn’t know they are in a competition, so it is innately unfair. She ignores the deception of the AP who, in this example, fully knows about the spouse. She also, again, actively ignores the cheater’s betrayal and deception which is inherent in giving piece of his time, attention, and (likely) money to someone outside of the marriage without informing his spouse).

    So, while presenting the argument that affairs can be justified and even moral, she overtly ignores the essential fact that betrayal and deception are innate to affairs. As someone mentioned above, if there were no deception, then they wouldn’t be defined as affairs.

    C. THEN the author goes on to say: “Betrayal, not compromise, is the biggest offense in any relationship” … and digging the hole even deeper, she says the Affair Partner SHOULD NOT be the secret and should demand that the cheater tell his wife. And she tells the cheater: “do not deceive anyone.”

    So, according to the author:
    –Cheating is perfectly acceptable, but deception and betrayal are not.

    The gargantuan problem with this argument:
    –Cheating innately (*by definition*) entails deception and betrayal.

    So, the author defeats her own damned argument. Following HER OWN logic, cheating CANNOT be acceptable (perfectly or otherwise).

  • Stealing has been around since human beings first had possessions. As has robbery.
    I’m sure sexual assault/coercion has been around at least as long as people have been able to choose partners, maybe longer.
    Are all these things “natural” because they’ve been with us so long? And, more importantly, would the authoress really be ok with all these things? By her argument, we should just accept them without consequences as they’ve been part of human behavior for eons.
    And why is cheating considered “natural,” but the desire to bond with one person for eternity — something billions of people participate in — somehow the artificial construct? And her argument really has nothing to say about women cheating, which is just as prevalent as in men. Are they seeking stronger emotional bonds, or something?

    • Psychologist David Buss calls it “Mate Poaching.” It comes with a price. It could cost someone their life. Mate Poaching is dangerous business.

    • You and others are conflating “NATURAL” with “GOOD”.

      It’s irritating. It nullifies the righteous anger at BETRAYAL. I get annoyed with this argument here that the author’s meaning is that “anything natural is good”. She’s NOT.

      It is natural for a species of male bottlenose dolphin to hold captive and rape females. It is natural for some species to kill the offspring of other males, lions in particular.

      I could go on. Is this good? You are anthropomorphizing when you do this. The animal kingdom is NOTHING like humans in behavior in the realm of “morality”.

      Betrayal is a human construct. Animals can emote, and there is controversy about “jealousy” and possessiveness, but it is absolutely NOT the equivalent in any way, shape or form to the human version.

      So it does annoy me that immensely intelligent people here are negating their righteous indignation and fury by equating “NATURAL” and “GOOD”.

      Radiation in the soil is NATURAL. Do I want to eat it or have it in my home? No. It’s bad for my health.
      The “arsenic argument” is another one. I don’t want to eat it, but WE DO—anybody who eats CHICKEN is actively eating arsenic. Willingly. They inject and feed chickens arsenic to fatten them up. Is it GOOD? But but but but….chicken is so tasty!

      People need to understand and separate that there is a BIOLOGICAL tendency for males to spread their genes as a species imperative. You all are conflating this with the human construct of betrayal.

      Theft happens in all species. Lions steal food from the more efficient predator…the hyena. Well, we need to exterminate all of them then, right? It’s THEFT. They are stealing the food right out of the mouths of the hyena pups.

      This is a uniquely human construct, betrayal. It’s puzzling to me that anyone would use a comparison between what is natural and what is good. It makes zero sense.

      It’s bad enough, what cheaters do to spouses/mates/children. I don’t think that reaching for these types of arguments is fostering any type of change in attitude. Comparing animals to humans or natural with good is nonsense.

  • The timing is perfect in today’s headline. I was just on IM on FB when this artist who lives close by started sending me messages. I assumed he was single and was talking to him back. Then he slipped in he is married and I asked for how long and he finally said 34 years.
    He tells me his weight and height and his age. This is not friendship.
    Then he tells me ‘Do you know how many women contact him’. He said I was the first he has contacted.He said it was because we went to same high school.
    With chumplady I could say to myself triangulating. I could hear the words others have written before me. Contacting other females. How disgusting that he would think whatever in his dumbfilled mind that I would be a ‘friend’. This is why I haven’t dated. Who needs another sack of sh–.
    Thank you Tracy and chump nation for all the good truths written here. I can use no excuses now principal and walk off.

    • I commiserate with this. I have such a hard time dealing with the opposite gender now … argh. But, I do have one awesome example (this bit of positivity helps keep me sane):

      Just after the implosion of my marriage, a man I worked with years ago sent me an invite to a popular word game I like to play (it’s a distraction, and I’m a bit of a word nerd).

      He is close to my age — and married, with a child. Now, this word game has a “chat” feature that I don’t like to use for any reason (except with my kids). I decided to accept the invite, but I was DREADING the possibility that he would start to act too friendly (possibly flirty).

      On the contrary, he hasn’t used the chat feature at all … not once! We’ve had an on-going game ever since. With absolutely zero communication. Just the game.

      Kind of a silly example, I guess. But, sadly, it has meant so much to me that this random example of a decent, committed human being popped up when it did. When I start to get pessimistic about men (sorry guys, I logically know that not ALL men are cheaters, but it can be hard to remember sometimes), I think of this guy.

      • I can tell you that there are a lot of men who have been chumped too. I know what you are feeling. There are men that are looking for honest, loving partners.

        • Thank you, Canadian Dad. I really do know this … it’s just tough because of the marital implosion (with the “but all guys do it” excuse) and the fact that my dad is the same way. I hate that my fear extends too far and lumps “all guys” together sometimes. So, I do my best to keep a check on that … and having friends like the guy I mentioned above, and voices like yours online, helps so much. (((Hugs)))

          • I second that JesssMom. Sick and tired of the “all males do this” mantra, but I believe it has contaminated me to an extent. Just another ineptitude peddled by the RIC I guess.
            I feel comfortable with male friends from before DDay and break up, who have continually been supportive and decent, all of them married or attached. But I am still very skittish with new males. Hope it will pass and my picker will eventually get the right setting.
            I must say so far, the males I knew or I meet through work have been fantastic, decent and protective. So the onus is on me to get over my anxieties.

            Read a statistic a while back which said that agronomists are the least likely to cheat. Guess I found the rare exception in the Traitor…

          • As a chumped man, I understand only inasmuch as I have the opposite side of it; struggling to trust that a woman is with me for anything more than the good times.

  • I mean, to be fair, I too lack discipline. But my lack of discipline manifests in weird ways; like, say eating a third donut or binging on Battlestar Galactica. (And, just between us chumps, one time when I was feelin’ real natural-like I peed in the woods. #TerriblePerson)

    I guess old loose-lips Shannon there would diagnose me with low testosterone because by her logic I could have been out sticking my wang consequence free each and every rando hole I might encounter all over this lovely land. Maybe I’ll have to get some of those ointments and up my T-levels.

      • (Whassat? Yeah? Okay. Really? Great – let’s show the viewers at home.)

        I am told this is actual footage of Shannon applying oinkment to her latest married-man “date.”

    • Excellent point, Doubtless!

      Self-discipline is, in my mind, an ongoing pursuit in life. Simultaneously, it’s healthy (and recommended) to let up on ourselves sometimes … to go ahead and enjoy that extra donut! BUT, the really important caveat is that we are responsible for the parameters around which we decide what is acceptable and what is unacceptable even when we indulge a bit.

      Caving to indulgences does NOT grant some mystical power that allows us to evade basic morality. No amount of self-justification can erase the fact that our lives are social, interdependent with others (family unit, work unit, etc.), and thus require certain moral parameters.

  • So Fucktard, my cheating X, was NORMAL. Yeah, we had that Disney marriage (kids, financial security, a newly built from the ground up dream home) until his infidelity, sorry, “honesty,” blew it all up. Three beautiful kids whose father robbed them of their ability to trust others (he was a great actor), who lost their home ($150k plus perks, yet he walked out on our mortgage) and community (friends they had known) to a man whose only flaw in life was his…dick. Side piece fucks, I mean whores, are expensive. But to prove to us that his happiness was what mattered most he married her, cause cheating isn’t any fun unless you are fucking someone over. “It just happened,” he told me. Yeah, like all the planning involved wasn’t done with every intention of fucking another woman. Proof he was “enlightened.” 🤣 And that marriage vows meant nothing to him. That whole “monogamy isn’t natural” argument. #stupidpeople, right?!? But it didn’t negate the fact that he had been a crap spouse and a crap father and a crap son in law sneaking around and betraying his family on a daily basis, all the while dissipating assets. Talented motherfucker. And while his affair ruined our family and the memories of 28 years together 🤢, I am happy to be away from somebody who lies as easily as I breathe.

    • What’s so “natural” about harming your own children? Cheaters always harm their children- by default. A frickin alligator wouldn’t harm it’s offspring as badly as a cheater does.

  • This just pisses me off.
    My UBT interpreted this author as saying that it’s natural for a woman to want to compete for a married man and if the wife isn’t okay with that, go right ahead and do it anyway because nature. One the contrary, we, chumps are wrong for shaming the cheater for cheating thus making us the villian in these situations.
    The only thing this article does is validate the ow’s parasitic behaviors. And to be clear- they ARE parasites- that is; anything that feeds off of a host (family) without mutual benefit, until the host is either dead or no longer beneficial to the parasite.

  • Another worthless “know it all fool!” How does this happen? How do idiots like this woman become gurus?

    Nature? How come a freakin bird can mate for life (the Cardinal)- but idiots like this decry it’s “natural” to cheat on your spouse? Cat shit comes from nature. Does that mean we all have to embrace it?

  • The OW is nothing more than a parasitic skank who covets what other women have. Yes, that is evil…..that is bad……that is not acceptable.

  • When we lived in tribe and bands…..it was perfectly “natural” to push a husband snatching skank off a cliff. With no consequences.

  • If you look at what this idiot is saying from Darwin’s perspective…..it makes absolutely no evolutionary sense at all. She’s essentially saying that it’s “natural” to burn down your family ties, your resources, your community connections and your reputation- for a romp with a cheap skank.

    We aren’t freakin animals. We are people. For people cheating comes with a price- a huge price.

    What biological creature destroys everything it worked for it’s entire life- for a roll in the hay with cheap, amoral, self adoring skank? Why would any biological creature forsake it’s own offspring to screw a cheap skank?

  • Children from “cheater homes” always get screwed. No known biological creature screws it’s young over for a cheap roll with a skank! It’s all in this loony tune’s head!

  • Sex by force, bullying, social ostracism, incest. They all happen in nature.

    Prisons would be empty, legal systems redundant, lawyers, barristers and judges out of jobs, none of us would ever have to do jury duty if we just susbscribe to Shannon’s “it happens in nature so it’s ok” theory of mankind.

    What a dumbass.

  • “Am I a terrible person for dating a married man?” If you are asking, then something about the situation and what you are DOING has let you know something is wrong. Pay attention to your conscience; live your life and legacy out loud. Be moral, honest, trustworthy. Know everyone deserves better than wasting a life on someone who cheats.

  • but if you don’t create an environment of open communication, you leave your partner to their own devices and vices.”

    WTF? If I could communicate with my husband, I would be happily married.

    He likes secrets. Its natural for him.

  • Ladies and gentlemen, here is the author of this insightful article: file:///storage/emulated/0/Download/KKLta.oq1b.1-small-My-Penis-Grows-5-Inches-Whe.jpg

  • “It’s not your partner fucking other people that’s traumatic, it’s your inability to identify patterns. Avoid polka dots. And plaid.”

    I just want to hug you, CL, when you make me laugh so much!!!

  • My answer to the whole “monogamy isn’t natural” argument is that neither is indoor plumbing but I somehow doubt the idiots who spout that off plan on giving up the porcelain throne.

    I also fucking hate how people try to pretend that infidelity has anything to do with monogamy. people cheat in polyamorous relationships as well because it’s not bumping uglies with another person that makes it cheating. It’s they lying and deception that makes it cheating. It’s the act of denying another person access to information that they need and deserve to make decisions about their own lives. So that they can protect themselves from things like having to raise another man’s child, or the risk of cervical cancer from some skank her husband fucks warts.

    You don’t want to be monogamous fine, just be ethical about it and give your partner the ability to decide if they want to expose themselves to the risks involved. Anything else is abuse and just generally being a shitty person.

    I’m about as sexually liberal as it comes, as long as all parties involved are legally competent and knowingly consent to the situation, do what thou will and have fun. But Consent is the key fucking concept when it comes to ethical sex be it monogamous or otherwise. Knowing, informed consent. Anything else is abuse and assault.

  • If every cheater could just be honest from the beginning instead of cheating, everyone would be better off. No false reconciliations, no lies…by the time “the talk” comes the relationship satisfaction has been long gone. The bastards are NOT the ones who honestly express their unhappiness and leave. They are, however, the ones who stay, and deal with their unhappiness by cheating for years.

  • “If they fuck around it’s because you failed to manage their urges with conversations!” Smile.

    When my ex-boyfriend and I first started dating, he had a trip planned to visit his parents in his home country. I asked if we should consider seeing other people – we were both extremely new to dating following divorce (each of us had been married for 18 years), we lived five hours from each other, we weren’t going to see each other for at least six weeks, we were in different stages of life. I wasn’t really sure where we were headed.

    He said he wanted us to be exclusive. So I remained faithful. Then he went to Europe and spent several weeks screwing his college ex-girlfriend, which he had planned all along. I didn’t find this out until we had been dating for almost three years, when his 20-year-old daughter told me the truth.

    We had the conversation. It didn’t manage his urges.

    Recently, a married man I met through work suggested via text that I consider an “off-the-record make-out session” with him. (Answer: Hell no and blocked.) There is NOTHING flattering about being hit on by a man with a wife or girlfriend. In fact, it’s demeaning and infuriating.

  • Let’s do a little scenario about “nature.”

    Mr. Beaver and Mrs. Beaver live happily in their enviable beaver lodge which they worked hard to build. They have 2 awesome beaver kids, stability, social status, and resources are plentiful (in terms of beaver money).

    One day, Mr. Beaver goes surfing on the internet and finds a “Schmoopie Beaver” who likes his resources and envies his wife’s status in beaver society. Mr. Beaver is smitten by the idea of a younger beaver finding him attractive so he pursues Schmoopie Beaver- behind Mrs. Beaver’s back.

    Mrs. Beaver ultimately finds out. She boots Mr. Beaver, takes half of what they own (and then some). The beaver children lose respect for the beaver dad. The beaver community views Mr. Beaver as a foolish looking old beaver with low morals. Mrs. Beaver loses a liar/cheater. Mr. Beaver loses his monetary stability, his place in society, the respect of his beaver community- and the respect and trust of his beaver kids.

    Mr. Beaver loses everything he has worked for since he was a young beaver. He is now a financially insecure, foolish looking old fool ……..with no standing in his beaver community.

    In other words, Mr. Beaver committed financial, social, parental and marital suicide by taking up with Schmoopie Beaver. What biological species destroys it’s life work for a cheap roll in the hay? I know of no species willing to forfeit everything it has- for a schmoopie. Thus fellow chumps- cheating is abnormal.

  • After the thrill of cheating/mate poaching wears off…..Schmoopie Beaver gets tired of Mr. Beaver. He’s old….he has beaver ED and his money has been depleted by his ex wife and needy beaver kids. Schmoopie Beaver realizes that she does not want to play “nurse maid” to an old, broke geezer beaver- who can’t get it up without Viagra for beavers.

    Mr. Beaver looks happy on beaver Facebook, but everyone knows Schmoopie Beaver is looking for a better beaver. Since Mr. Beaver burned down his financial security, social standing and family ties to his beaver kids- he dies alone in a beaver nursing home.

    The beaver nurses in the nursing home…..are repelled by Mr. Beaver. When he sees a beaver nurse go by…….the first thing he does is stick his paws down his diaper to masturbate. The beaver nurses can’t wait until his beaver life finally expires. The end.

    • Beaver nursing homes cost money which Mr. Beaver won’t have much of after being dumped by Mrs. Beaver and then Mrs. Sidepiece !

      What’s the beaver equivalent of ending up living in his car or in a tent under a highway overpass ?

  • Great translation as usual!

    Just something that always drives me crazy in the psychobabble – the experts think that humans are naturally monogamous with a few very rich and powerful males being polygamous. We naturally feel both jealousy and lust for many people. We also fall in love and want to pair bond.

    The idea that we are monogamous is based on ways our bodies are different from other apes. In addition, pair bonding and monogamy make it easier to raise children who are dependent for a long time and that makes it easier to be a more intelligent species.

    Humans are not chimpanzees. We walk upright, we are hairless, we talk, we write books, and we understand ethics.

  • Tom Cruise ate his child’s placenta. Yes, placenta is “natural”- but does that mean we have to eat it?
    Cat shit, dog shit, bat shit and bear shit are all “natural” too.

  • So, I don’t give a shit if some fuckwit wants to fuck a different person every hour of every day. Sure, there is a “natural” urge to procreate, BUT DO NOT FUCKING LIE ABOUT IT! Instincts and character are two very different things! I told him when we got together I wouldn’t tolerate lying or cheating. Now that he’s done both, he’s all butthurt that I called him on it and booted his ass out. Sheesh. He is dead to me.

  • Now I know why my Narc loved his huge suburban and then sold it for a suv with an extra panel of seats. He took his OWhore on long trips and f’ed her in the vehicle in a pinch. He kept it impeccably clean at ALL times so there would be no evidence and kept a rolling suitcase in trunk that he would always pat the outside to feel what was hidden in there, It never dawned on me but it was the gifts he was hiding in there. I often wondered what the fascination with that bag was. I found his equipment from work in it, when I finally got hold of that bag. He always kept his truck locked and I was not allowed to drive any of his vehicles.

  • >