UBT: In Defense of Dating a Married Man

dating a married man

So here’s some MSN clickbait just begging to be Universal Bullshit Translator-ed this morning. A fluffy little piece of sociopathy by Shannon Boodram, sexologist, entitled “In Defense of Dating a Married Man.”

I often get emails from women involved with a married man or from men who are engaged in an affair that usually center around one question: “Am I a terrible person for doing this?”

Yes.

And while there are too many variables and not enough jewels in my own crown to effectively answer this, I can answer the underlying inquiry: No, you are not abnormal or evil.

There are not enough rivets in the UBT’s quarter panels to effectively answer the underlying query “Are people who cheat empathy-deficient, self-gratifying, narcissistic nimrods?” There are too many variables. (Cluster B? Sociopath? Or simply generic asshole?)

Translation: Here’s some word salad to say, “Have at it! You’re not evil! You’re a gem!”

Ninety per cent of questions that centre around sex and love are a version of “Am I normal?,” because generally speaking, people do not want what satisfies them and their morals to be in direct conflict.

So, my answer to this popular query is always the same: If it occurs in nature, then yes, it is natural. And since extra-marital affairs have been in existence for just as long as the institution of marriage, I think it is time we stopped looking at affairs as heinous crimes and instead as a natural occurrences.

If it occurs in nature, then yes, dating a married man is natural. We should decriminalize Natural Things and stop looking at them as heinous crimes.

Homicide? Hey! Cain slew Abel. Brotherly assassination has existed as long as there have been brothers.

Arsenic? You find it in the ground. Mother Nature made arsenic, not Monsanto! So, yum! Sprinkle some on your breakfast cereal today. It’s natural.

Did you read this paragraph and want to strangle me for dating a married man? Those urges are natural. Stop looking at strangling flaky columnists with concertina wire as some sort of heinous crime. Ninety percent of people read crap every day and want to strangle someone. It’s okay. You’re not evil.

Did I lose you yet? Let’s hope not.

Kinda. The UBT was just so dazzled by your intellect.

The beauty in seeing things as natural vs. deviant is it allows you to exercise understanding. The more we understand and can identify patterns, the better we can cope and even evade the trauma associated with them.

It’s not your partner fucking other people that’s traumatic, it’s your inability to identify patterns. Avoid polka dots. And plaid.

Marriage was invented to legitimize offspring so that parents could pass down any assets acquired over their lifetime to heirs. In the beginning, marriage was essentially a business transaction designed to increase the power, legacy, wealth and reputation of a family name.

Historically, extra-marital affairs were common, permissible and especially in the male’s case, not seen by the courts as substantial grounds for divorce.

Bring back patriarchy! Historically dating a married man was common and permissible. So was marrying your 13-year-old cousin.

It is really only within the past couple of generations that love has conquered all and become the primary driving force for tying the knot. And even though we in North America have adopted the Disney model, it doesn’t negate the fact that only 5 per cent of all mammals are monogamous and whether or not humans belong to this minority is still widely debated.

Was Mickey faithful to Minnie? Only 5 percent of all mice are monogamous. If Mickey was a player is still widely debated.

Everyone in North America (Canadians — I’m talking to YOU) models their marriages on Disney. Talking forest creatures. Dwarves. Birds who dress you.

That’s all very fine and good but it doesn’t negate the fact that Bambi’s mother dies. Deal.

Men produce more testosterone and less oxytocin than women. Testosterone is responsible for sex drive and also compels the host to seek out dopamine, a chemical released by risk-taking and new experiences. Oxytocin is the bonding chemical that cements loyalty through intimacy.

Cheating women? Hey, I guess you’re all just too damn butch. Shave your chin hairs and drop some oxy. Maybe you’ll stop cheating.

Thus, many men will not successfully conform to the monogamy model whether they have shared their last name or not. Similarly, a married man is a living example of the qualities women naturally seek out: Some women simply appreciate their attraction while respecting the family unit, others compete to have those qualities for themselves.

Women compete to have men, who are not designed to be faithful. Because… oxytocin. Bitches will just bond with anything.

On the flipside, not all women dating a married man are in competition with the wife. Some prefer the mistress-relationship-model, since it provides them with the fun side of companionship minus any of the traditional obligations of partnership.

Duping chumps is fun. Plus it’s companionship without the whole messy introductions-to-people-in your-life thing.

In short, there will continue to be married men who find themselves seeking new intimate experiences and there will continue to be women who are interested in engaging with married men.

By “intimate experiences” I mean no-strings-attached sex.

Now for the happy part: Once you understand that affairs are driven by natural tendencies, you can stop personalizing the act and begin managing the possibilities.

Did you have to paternity test your children? Don’t take it personally.

Were you assuming monogamy and caught a nasty STD? Consider the possibilities!

I strongly believe that keeping an open dialogue with your partner about their temptations, desires and natural drives is very important. Not only can you help your partner effectively manage these natural urges through counsel, but you can also create healthy alternatives in the event that the desire is too strong to curb.

Dating a married man is natural. Don’t take it personally. However, natural impulses to cheat (caused by testosterone) can be effectively managed with conversations (not neutering!)

Betrayal, not compromise, is the biggest offense in any relationship, but if you don’t create an environment of open communication, you leave your partner to their own devices and vices.

Yes, the person who is not inclined to cheat must communicate clearly, otherwise you leave your partner to their vices. The vice partner cannot possibly be expected to speak up. Remain vigilant chumps! If they fuck around it’s because you failed to manage their urges with conversations!

So, I suggest some new rules that crush the fantasy in order to get to the heart of our human reality:

Women who engage with married men: 

Don’t be anyone’s dirty secret. If you prefer to date those who are attached to keep your own involvement at arm’s length, then you should have no qualm with the wife being aware of your intentions. If you fall for someone who is taken and they feel the same, demand that they open up their relationship—otherwise, you won’t be a part of it. Do not enter into any situation hoping for change; rather, create the change and then enter. Encourage opacity and know that it is possible to create a healthy arrangement, as opposed to a devious, secretive relationship.

Because every chumped wife is just dying to get your opinion on her marriage. Hey, you’re an equal voting partner here! Don’t be someone’s dirty secret. If she won’t share, blow that marriage up so you can have Mr. Cheaterpants for yourself.

Men who seek affairs: 

If you are not cut out for the monogamous model, do not deceive anyone into believing you are. Of course, you’re allowed to change, but you must communicate this change with your partner. Desiring new experiences is understandable, while concealing this desire and act from your partner is not. You are an adult. You don’t have to hide your “dirty magazines” under the bed anymore. Come into your own and into the light where everyone can see you and most importantly, where you can stand to look at yourself.

Good advice. Except this ignores the fact that cheaters don’t cheat for sexual novelty (because testosterone), they cheat because they enjoy the deceit. Gaming the system to have an unfair advantage (cake) is what infidelity is about.

Sexual shame doesn’t make people cheat — entitlement does.

Women who are the victims of an affair:

First step, realize that it’s not you, it’s not him, it’s nature. He is not evil, he may just lack discipline.

Whack him on the nose with a rolled up newspaper. Take away his squeaky toys. Crate him. It’s not you, it’s nature.

You can work through this by working together, but you can’t if you refuse to acknowledge that what your partner needs is understanding… not an exorcism.

You can work through this with a divorce summons, but you can’t begin until you acknowledge you’ve been chumped. Exorcise a fuckwit today.

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Ms Professor
Ms Professor
6 years ago

It occurs in nature so it is natural.
Hmmm….my dog eats his poo, a raccoon ate the head off of one of my chickens, and my husband and his married coworker decided to do the horizontal mambo in their work truck many times during work hours.
Yeah. Totally natural.

ChumpedUpChik
ChumpedUpChik
6 years ago
Reply to  Ms Professor

I could barely stand to read to the end, and that horrid bile rising to my throat throughout….

This is THE biggest load of bullshit I’ve heard since the last UBT of Esther Perle’s mindfucking exuberance shit. Fucking assholes.

Carol
Carol
6 years ago
Reply to  Ms Professor

Love it excellent point my ex husband is filth and I was glad to unload him! Have your cheap slut!

NotMyFault
NotMyFault
6 years ago
Reply to  Ms Professor

Mine was the front seat of a Volvo XC90. Now I know why it always was her favorite car.

violet
violet
6 years ago
Reply to  NotMyFault

Please do not get me started on Volvo’s. That’s a whole other discussion in and of itself. I think the “family car” image is a ruse, especially the ever wholesome wagon!

MovingOn
MovingOn
6 years ago
Reply to  NotMyFault

Pretty sure my ex and his cheater partner had sex in our Saturn SL at some point! So glamorous- enjoying some strange in Saturn’s cheapest model! How fitting! ????

ZHUCHI
ZHUCHI
6 years ago
Reply to  NotMyFault

Volvo rebranding from solid family car???? A good percentage of my Ex’s hook-ups took place in his lovely lady’s Volvo SUV. Except in the back. She would have to take the baby seat out the back to make room. I read the texts she sent along the lines of “thank you, that was crazy wonderful. Just putting the seat back in, tidying up the car before heading home.”

Such great people.

newme
newme
6 years ago
Reply to  ZHUCHI

Zhuchi, that make me want to throw up. Putting the baby seat back in the car after she screwed your husband. It sounds like what the howorker said to my X after the fun day at the Holdiay Inn. her hips were stiff because she had her legs at a 45 degree angle for over an hour, “that was great” she said. But let’s not forget that over an hour came from the little blue pill he has to take to get it up, wonder if he sneaks it now so she won’t know it was not her?!

Ever_the_Empath
Ever_the_Empath
6 years ago
Reply to  ZHUCHI

My ex and OW#4 (or was she #5?) did it in her Volvo wagon. I have video from the PI of them getting into the back seat in a school parking lot. That’s class.

ANC
ANC
6 years ago

In a school parking lot

MidlifeBlast
MidlifeBlast
6 years ago
Reply to  Ms Professor

and some female insects eat their mates DURING sex! What kind of idiot uses the “nature” argument?

Natalia.B
Natalia.B
6 years ago
Reply to  MidlifeBlast

Wow…..is this lady for real?

Which creatures in nature perfect lies and deceit? As CL points out cheating isn’t about sexual novelty but about the need to feel superior with duper’s delight and betrayal. If the article was about why some people choose to have consensual open relationships while staying married then fine. She totally misses the point

Clearwaters
Clearwaters
6 years ago
Reply to  MidlifeBlast

An idiot like my ex-H, Midlifeblast. In his reply to the judge about my action to sue him for moral damages (since divorce is no fault in my country many chumps do this and they win), cheater von Glitter-Balls wrote that “It is natural to have extraconjugal affairs”.

Sexwitheveryone
Sexwitheveryone
6 years ago
Reply to  Clearwaters

Mine was in our family van….often. Then my wife let our kids use the blankets and pillows that were set up for their fuckfest. Life is AWESOME!

chump-pin
chump-pin
6 years ago
Reply to  Clearwaters

“Extraconjugal” sounds so exotic and sexy. I wish slutface had used that word, because it almost makes me forget that blowing a co-worker in a dirty, bug-infested storage closet in 100-degree weather is anything but those two things.

Testosterone and oxytocin cocktails for everyone! Better entitlement through chemistry!

Battle-Tempered Lionheart
Battle-Tempered Lionheart
6 years ago
Reply to  chump-pin

“Better entitlement through chemistry” and “Cheater von Glitterballs”!
You two are cracking me up tonight.
Thanks, I needed that. 🙂

AC
AC
6 years ago
Reply to  chump-pin

Oxytocin for bonding? Yeah, if you’re bonding with a newborn. The body produces abundant oxytocin from childbirth until weaning. Oxytocin also suppresses ovulation.

This writer’s grasp of science is no better than her grasp of ethics or morals. The hormone that makes females receptive to males is estrogen. Oxytocin doesn’t. Just ask the husband of any new mother.

In nature, females who are tightly bonded with their offspring (oxytocin effect) will drive off or kill the males.

Feelingit
Feelingit
6 years ago
Reply to  MidlifeBlast

One whose brain is still the size of the mouses’ brain from which she evolved.

coolbreezeout
coolbreezeout
6 years ago

I have not seen such drivel as this in quite a long time, “fun side of companionship without the obligations of partnership”. You can be much more of a narcissist than to want all of the benefits of a relationship with none of the obligations. She is trying to make is a normal and okay thing to be an open user – only wanting to get the ‘fun’ stuff from other people, but wanting no ‘obligation’ to help through illness, console through the loss of loved ones, provide comfort or encouragement when the person is feeling down or dealing with job loss, or just needing someone to acknowledge that they matter. Nope, they only want the ‘fun’ and want zero obligations to actual be an adult human being.

Just – wow. “… you can’t if you refuse to acknowledge what your partner needs is understanding” So, when exactly does the Chump get what they need – which is a partner that mutually respects the concept of monogamy and agrees to the terms of the relationship both committed to or is honest and leaves the relationship if their ‘needs’ are not outside of the parameters of the agreed upon relationship. We don’t. Oh, okay. Just – wow.

Carol
Carol
6 years ago
Reply to  coolbreezeout

Excellent love it couldn’t agree more these people that justify it are filth

Sunflower36
Sunflower36
6 years ago
Reply to  coolbreezeout

No understanding for the chumps. No acknowledgement of the trauma a cheater inflicts… just that it can be avoided if we don’t take it personally.

JesssMom
JesssMom
6 years ago
Reply to  Sunflower36

And, unless I missed it — not one single mention of the kids.

NotMyFault
NotMyFault
6 years ago
Reply to  coolbreezeout

“So, when exactly does the Chump get what they need ?” Starting the moment we go no contact. We can finally put ourselves first. Eat what we want, go where we want and do what we want, without the mind numbing bullshit that they put us through. I never made demands, always cooked around his latest diet, always lived life on his terms. Well fellow chumps, it is now our time.

The Chump struggle is real
The Chump struggle is real
6 years ago
Reply to  NotMyFault

This! Exactly, Notmyfault, they really were just gigantic, pain-in-the-ass, demanding crybabies, weren’t they? Gah! These new-age, word salad cheater condoners makes me nuts.

Here is a quick solution: If you even THINK for one moment that you would be the type of partner that can’t keep their vows, then SIMPLY DON’T GET MARRIED! Live the bachelor life forever, no one will judge you. Seriously. Do the world a favor and stick with the hooker/hooters girl/stripper lifestyle and don’t procreate.

We need to start weeding out the narcs from all gene pools on a global scale. They only create destruction and suffering for innocent people.

lulutoo
lulutoo
6 years ago
Reply to  NotMyFault

Thank you, Notmyfault. And Chumplady.

Longtimechump
Longtimechump
6 years ago
Reply to  coolbreezeout

She needs to put bread on the table. She needs clients who cheat and may feel bad, so she turns things around for them and makes them look natural. Organic! And they feel good and provide her bread. Pure business and no ethics.

Now I.C.
Now I.C.
6 years ago
Reply to  Longtimechump

Put cake on the table for everyone!

Feelingit
Feelingit
6 years ago
Reply to  Now I.C.

Mice love cake.

catharsis2017
catharsis2017
6 years ago

Gum disease, hemorrhoids and intestinal parasites are all perfectly natural. You have a problem with being natural?

AlohaFreedom
AlohaFreedom
6 years ago

Are you sure the original article wasn’t posted on a satire site like The Onion?

…because how can anyone possibly believe this BS?!

Betrayedbitch
Betrayedbitch
6 years ago

OH MY WORD!!! Just because it has happened since the beginning of time doesn’t make it right and thats what we need to change because it needs to stop happening! It’s devasting and destroys lives! Cheating needs to stop nobody should have to accept it.
Historically speaking people used to get stoned to death when they got caught committing adultery and I wish they would go back to that!

champchump
champchump
6 years ago
Reply to  Betrayedbitch

In some cultures, women STILL get stoned to death when they are thought to have committed adultery.

In our western culture, women previously have had their heads chopped off, the excuse being they committed adultery.

Historically, extramarital affairs were common, yes, but for men and not for women. Is this gal trying to justify cheating because in the dark ages it was condoned?

I look at monogamy as a trait of those of us who are higher evolved among our species. We should be striving for better, higher behavioral traits and not trying to justify the reprehensible ones.

And what the hell does she mean by “encourage opacity” anyway? What a twit.

Drew
Drew
6 years ago
Reply to  champchump

Love this, “And what the hell does she mean by “encourage opacity” anyway? What a twit.” ???? And “Y’all are patriarch-ing all wrong.” ???? CN are in fine form today. And this blog should come with a warning: Swallow your beverage before reading!

Doubtless
Doubtless
6 years ago
Reply to  champchump

Y’all are patriarch-ing all wrong.

Battle-Tempered Lionheart
Battle-Tempered Lionheart
6 years ago
Reply to  Doubtless

*snort!!!!!!!

🙂

Golfgrrl
Golfgrrl
6 years ago
Reply to  champchump

“We should be striving for better, higher behavioral traits and not trying to justify the reprehensible ones.”

Totally agree.

Like care. Like support. Like honesty.

Be evolved enough to recognize that you are incapable of monogamy. Doesn’t make you a bad person – cheating does.

Lisa Behrens
Lisa Behrens
6 years ago
Reply to  Betrayedbitch

Shannon Boodram clearly eats her own SHIT…animals like her have been doing it since the beginning of time.

mugshot
mugshot
6 years ago
Reply to  Lisa Behrens

cracking me up here Lisa B, thanks you, CL and CN have cheered me up

Golfgrrl
Golfgrrl
6 years ago
Reply to  Betrayedbitch

Women used to get stoned to death.

Soldiering On
Soldiering On
6 years ago
Reply to  Golfgrrl

Remember: it used to be a positive defense to shoot someone you found screwing your wife. But that didn’t apply to one’s cheating husband.

This broad is an embarrassment to herself.

Chumpanzie
Chumpanzie
6 years ago
Reply to  Soldiering On

I’d probably shoot ’em both.

ChumpionoftheWorld
ChumpionoftheWorld
6 years ago

My first thought when anyone defends their selfish behavior by saying it happens in nature (cheating, sexism, etc) is that many animals eat their young , in fact many primates do.

Now I.C.
Now I.C.
6 years ago

In a similar vein I guess I should have eaten the placenta from my children because that is what animals do. Gross, sorry, too early for that visual.

Waffles
Waffles
6 years ago
Reply to  Now I.C.

I’ve heard about ppl actually doing just that. Some weird hippie shit.

Chumpanzie
Chumpanzie
6 years ago
Reply to  Waffles

Mmmmm, got any blue waffles?

Longtimechump
Longtimechump
6 years ago

This UBT is hillarious, as usual!

“Men produce more testosterone and less oxytocin than women. Testosterone is responsible for sex drive and also compels the host to seek out dopamine, a chemical released by risk-taking and new experiences. Oxytocin is the bonding chemical that cements loyalty through intimacy.”

Following this, it’s logical to infer that same sex unions would solve it all. Women couples would bond. Men couples would be understanding towards each other when driven by higher sex drive. But no….there is cheating in same sex unions. And there is equal amount of hurt over that.

And, Tracy, I wanted to strangle the writer…natural, right?

swtjenny06
swtjenny06
6 years ago
Reply to  Longtimechump

I read your first sentence too quickly and thought you had written “sex unicorns”….

Drew
Drew
6 years ago
Reply to  Longtimechump

Hell, you can get your kicks doing every thing else but cheating on your spouse. Jump out of a fucking airplane if you want excitement.

CeliA
CeliA
6 years ago
Reply to  Drew

I’d gladly toss mine on an airplane.

VulcanChump
VulcanChump
6 years ago

I’m basically speechless. Fuck her and the horse she rode in on.

Doubtless
Doubtless
6 years ago
Reply to  VulcanChump

Drew
Drew
6 years ago
Reply to  Doubtless

Lol????

Feelingit
Feelingit
6 years ago
Reply to  VulcanChump

Yes, justification for betrayal of trust, sounds like anarchy to me.

Jodi Lynch
Jodi Lynch
6 years ago
Reply to  VulcanChump

My sentiments exactly!

VulcanChump
VulcanChump
6 years ago
Reply to  Jodi Lynch

I mean, excuse me for thinking we’re supposed to evolve as a species, I guess!

Golfgrrl
Golfgrrl
6 years ago
Reply to  VulcanChump

Maybe we should renounce all technological and social advances. Go back in time?

Because the past is always better?

StartofSomethingGood
StartofSomethingGood
6 years ago
Reply to  VulcanChump

This!! ^^^

bouncing back
bouncing back
6 years ago

“Betrayal, not compromise, is the biggest offense in any relationship, but if you don’t create an environment of open communication, you leave your partner to their own devices and vices.”

FUCK YOU. Seriously? How much more gaslighting and blameshifting can the above statement be?

Chumps are open communicators BY NATURE because their empathy drives them to connect. Cheaters do NOT openly communicate their ‘desires’ specifically because they know there are CONSEQUENCES. How many of us would respond to our spouses saying “hey I wanna start screwing other people” with “sure thing honey, can you pick up some milk on your way home?”.

You want open communication? Tells these cheaters to start openly communicating PROACTIVELY to us. Stop putting the responsibility of their choices and behaviors on US. We regularly check in and they refuse to open up. Just warn them that they may not like the response they get when we say “really? move out then”.

Donna
Donna
6 years ago
Reply to  bouncing back

I’m with you in this. This article spouts pure bullshit. Normal my Ass. Paying bills is normal. Being a lying deceiving cheating asshole is not normal.

Chumpiest
Chumpiest
6 years ago
Reply to  Donna

What’s with these fuckwits and sick kids? When our oldest son took his own life at 20, I was out of the country because I trusted the “expert” shrink instead of my gut. He still lived at home so Two-Legged Rat was supposed to be with him, but my baby spent his last night on this earth alone with his younger brother, because TLR was out fucking one of his dozens of ho-workers. Twelve years later the asshole is still not ashamed to admit that he didn’t have a clue to our son’s obvious psychological pain and suicidal behavior. Please tell me that there is a hell and that Two-Legged Rat will burn slowly in it for all eternity.

nomorecamping
nomorecamping
6 years ago
Reply to  Chumpiest

So sorry for your loss. ((hugs)) I worry about my daughter. She is in therapy.

It’s been very hard to watch my daughter be so depressed for months – feeling rejected by her dad. He chose his little girlfriend over our daughter. She sees it. She’s not stupid. And he acts like HE is betrayed as our daughter is disgusted with him and wants nothing to do with him. Since she doesn’t respond to his texts, he informed me that will not pay for her phone anymore.

I texted him, “Yeah, that’ll show her, won’t it.” If you do not comply with their entitlement you will pay the price.

He has texted her ‘sorry.’ He can’t understand what the problem is.

MotherChumper99
MotherChumper99
6 years ago
Reply to  Chumpiest

????????????????????

A thousand veil of tears for your lost darling son. I came so close to losing my daughter — I can only imagine. There are no words to convey my sorrow for your loss.

Drew
Drew
6 years ago
Reply to  Chumpiest

(((((Hugs))))) Chumpiest. Kids are, for sure, one of life’s greatest blessings.

Chumpiest
Chumpiest
6 years ago
Reply to  Drew

You’re so right; thank you, Drew.

Sunflower36
Sunflower36
6 years ago
Reply to  Chumpiest

Kids? Why, that’s even more complicated!! There’s no reason to consider them, they’ve got empty noggins that will only know things are amiss if you TELL them! Don’t tell them, keep a cheery and cheater-understanding disposition and your children will be happy and secure in themselves! If they’re sad, then you Chump, created that problem!

Sunflower36
Sunflower36
6 years ago
Reply to  Sunflower36

Whoops…. that was supposed to go on a thread up higher.

So, so sorry you’ve lost your son. I cannot imagine a more painful way to lose a child. I lost a son too, but he died from a heart defect.

The loss is an ache that never goes away. I so wish it hadn’t happened to your family.

Chumpiest
Chumpiest
6 years ago
Reply to  Sunflower36

Sunflower, I think the pain of losing a child is the same for all parents, whatever the cause. And it helps to know that we’re here together. Hugs.

Natalia.B
Natalia.B
6 years ago
Reply to  Chumpiest

Oh my. What pain you have endured. I’m so sorry for your loss and all that you have been through.

God bless you ????

Chumpiest
Chumpiest
6 years ago
Reply to  Natalia.B

Thank you for your words and your gift of flowers, Natalia.

MotherChumper99
MotherChumper99
6 years ago
Reply to  bouncing back

You hit the nail on the head! After 18 weeks of false wreconciliation where I suffered ddays 2 through at least 10, and I was pick me dancing frantically, X came to our suicidal daughter’s psych appointment and on the street in front of that office he told me he was “confused again” and wanted to break free of our family (4 kids 26 years together, married 25) and “see that woman openly” he met on the elevator (15 yr younger, still lived with her cheater daddy at 32! minimum wage worker when X is law firm partner earning close to 7 figures). I incredulously demanded to know if he wanted a divorce (since DDay 1 4 months earlier he had vehemently denied he did). He said “no.” So I asked if he wanted an open marriage then. He looked dumbfounded. No he said. Wtf??? I told him I would never have an open marriage, and if he wasn’t willing to stop the cheating and do the acts to show me he was committed (mental health treatment, rehab for drug use, post nup, complete abstinence for a year and get his shit together) then he had 2 hours to get his shit and go. I was DONE. It became real obvious that WE were NOT compatible. Game over!

He cried sad sausage about consequences. Boo boo too bad. In the D I got everything and full custody. He Lost me too. And I’m invaluable. I’m completely no contact and loving life. It’s very peaceful.

CeliA
CeliA
6 years ago

“He Lost me too. And I’m invaluable.”

YES. We are invaluable, chumps. Cheaters’ stock value plummet without us.

Idle hands
Idle hands
6 years ago

“He lost me too. And I’m invaluable.” Stronger, truer words were never spoken. I salute u!!

Fern
Fern
6 years ago

MotherChumper99 – I envy you that level of clarity with your cheater. I’m sorry it came at such a difficult time but I give you credit for putting your foot down and enforcing your boundaries. What manner of man dumps that on you at that time.
In retrospect he gave you a gift by stooping that low.

I wish I had been that strong in the years before I got divorced.

I hope your daughter is as strong as her mother now.

NoKibble4U
NoKibble4U
6 years ago

This blows my mind. You both attended a psych appointment for your suicidal daughter and he has the audacity to tell you outside of the office that he’s “confused” and wants to start seeing his whore openly. It would have been difficult not to throat punch that selfish muther-fucker in the street.

I was wondering why cheaters lay this crap on chumps at times when you’re already on your knees. I think it’s cowardice. If chumps are distracted by some other horrific event (suicidal daughter, dead/dying parent, etc), then, in their minds, their infidelity will pale in comparison. You’re busy dealing with another horrible situation, so they can walk off unscathed.

The Chump struggle is real
The Chump struggle is real
6 years ago
Reply to  NoKibble4U

MotherChumper99 you are savage af!

Wouldn’t it have been a great reverse mindfuck to say something like, “That’s okay, I understand how you’re feeling. I have a thought..since is so important for me to be okay with you keeping elevator bimbo as your side piece, I think you should reciprocate by letting me have Pierre, our pool boy, make love to me in our bed on Tuesdays and Fridays..deal? I mean, because you’ve been so open about your suffering and confusion, it has started to make me confused, too. But I’m sure you TOTALLY get what I’m feeling and would have no problem with that, right honey?”.

chumpluscious
chumpluscious
6 years ago
Reply to  NoKibble4U

“It would have been difficult not to throat punch that selfish muther-fucker in the street.” I laughed out loud. Haven’t done that in a while. Thanks for that.
And tell that bitch who wrote that drivel to crawl back under her rock/ into her cave like the Neanderthal she is.

ChumpedinBroadDayligt
ChumpedinBroadDayligt
6 years ago
Reply to  bouncing back

“Can you pick up some milk on your way home?” I love it- what a great response to a cheater.

bouncing back
bouncing back
6 years ago
Reply to  bouncing back

or better yet, tell these desire driven disordereds to communicate up front when we meet “hey, i think you are really cool and I like you, and i also like seeing and screwing several people at a time while there is one person in my life managing and taking care of things”. Oh wait, we would shut them down and walk away. No cake, no glory, eh?

Rebecca
Rebecca
6 years ago

What makes me furious about articles like this is that all the OM and OW read these articles and are strengthened by them.

They don’t come to CL to read the UBT.

These articles stroke their egos, make them feel superior and justified. They read that drivel and share it with the affair partner, their co-workers, their families and even their adult children…”see, what happened isn’t bad, it just happened”…”you don’t know the whole story”…”there’s a whole other side to what happened”!!! ????

I want to tie up the author and slap her. It makes me so angry and nauseous when I read things like this.

It drives me right back to the beginning of this shit show which is not a pretty place to be.

MotherChumper99
MotherChumper99
6 years ago
Reply to  Rebecca

Rebecca, I don’t think cheaters or women who carry on with married men would be influenced one way or the other. Trust me, if I could’ve influenced my ex with anything I would’ve. These folks have a brain disorder as pointed out in an earlier post this week so no amount of reading articles like this makes any difference. That said, I think for purposes of society as a whole we need to be having this conversation. And we need to change the narrative. This is domestic violence plain and simple.

Betrayedbitch
Betrayedbitch
6 years ago

I don’t think she meant it would influence them only invalidate them – like hey see they agree with me what I am doing is not wrong…i am not the only one that understands this why dont you. No we can not influence cheaters they look for others who agree and use that to their advantage

OCchump
OCchump
6 years ago
Reply to  Rebecca

So true! In the beginning my cheater wife was searching for shit like this to justify everything she was doing. Articles like this are B.S.

chump-pin
chump-pin
6 years ago
Reply to  OCchump

My wife sent me a link to…wait for…the Esther Perel TED Talk. And before I found this site, I tried to untangle that mess. It’s like watching a professional gas-lighting seminar by the queen narc.

CeliA
CeliA
6 years ago
Reply to  chump-pin

I really hate it that some of my favorite podcasters invite Esther Perel in their shows for an interview. I avoid listening to that shit. Blechhh.

Betrayedbitch
Betrayedbitch
6 years ago
Reply to  Rebecca

I AGREE!!

Off the crazy train
Off the crazy train
6 years ago
Reply to  Rebecca

Which is why we have to change the narrative.

Off the crazy train
Off the crazy train
6 years ago

It appears that the original article is without comments.

I wonder if this article was shared with Ms Boodram the first time CL published it. These people who publish such damaging crap should hear the other side of the story. We should be able to give feedback to the Ms Boodram’s and the Ms Perel’s of this world.

As they are so ‘open minded’, you’d hope that they’d welcome feedback.

NoMoreEvil
NoMoreEvil
6 years ago

I’d really like to know if this author is married? I really wonder if even she buys what she’s selling?!!! Smh

Off the crazy train
Off the crazy train
6 years ago
Reply to  NoMoreEvil

I think she’s married to herself. Check out her instagram feed from the link above, and you’ll see what I mean.

NoMoreEvil
NoMoreEvil
6 years ago

Thanks, Otct! Omg!!! Major attention whore!!! She can easily talk this shit now, until she actually gets chumped and I guarantee she will regret every word she ever wrote. But in her mind, maybe 15 minutes of fame was worth writing this crap.

LightOrb
LightOrb
6 years ago

Funny how much they twist themselves to equate marriage with relationship. Yes, marriage may have been invented to preserve family’s ownership of properties or kingdoms. Whatever, who the fuck cares. Cheating is not restricted to marriage because it’s not and never was about a legal bond you share with somebody over houses, cars or little people. Cheating is about thinking somebody exists for the only purpose of giving you satisfaction, and whose feelings are not to be respected in any way when the cheater wants something different. Cheating is about being depraved enough to feel entitled to hurt other human being. Cheaters are evil, if we define evil as the purposeful choice to hurt another human being.

Fuck all cheaters apologists and the whores they rode on.

nomoreskankboy
nomoreskankboy
6 years ago

“….demand that they open up their relationship.” Oh, hell to the no! I will not do all the work and they have all the fun.” Not on MY back or MY dime!
Towards the end, that is what was happening. On Dday this is exactly what I said. “Not on my back and not on my dime,” as I was tossing his crap into the designer luggage, aka Hefty garbage bags!

DunChumpin
DunChumpin
6 years ago

Murder, incest, theft, cheating, rape, physical abuse, sexual harassment all exist in nature and must be good. Your puritanical minds just can’t process this. #makehumanitygreatagain

wasjustanotherchump
wasjustanotherchump
6 years ago

Men are naturally stronger than women. Women are naturally nurturing, softer, more vulnerable. Therefore Weinstein et al are all perfectly normal exercising their natural urges. Bonobo chimps are known to sexually assault juveniles if adult females aren’t available. Therefore pedophiles are acting normally. Some female animals will eat their own young. So Susan Smith is not an aberration.
What a crock of shit.
Everybody has natural impulses that run contrary to peaceful legal constraints. The important thing is that we don’t ACT on them. Nobody is perfect. Nobody can stem the well of resentment when the dog won’t stop barking next door, the baby won’t stop crying, the boss is favouring his nephew, the plumber can’t fix the leak today…but we can damn well not shoot the dog, shake the baby, punch the boss or slap the tradesman.

ForgeOn
ForgeOn
6 years ago

I think you about wrapped it up, wasjustanotherchump!!!

Love how you made the point:

“…..but we can damn well not shoot the dog, shake the baby, punch the boss or slap the tradesman.”

Exactly! We all have agency, even people with special mental and or emotional challenges still know what’s right & wrong, still have a moral compass.

Cheaters willingly, knowingly, purposefully choose to do the wrong, hurtful and immoral thing. Because they can….Sickos all They can all stew in that crock of poop!

Love all ya all as we ForgeOn!

OneDaySomeDay
OneDaySomeDay
6 years ago

I’m at work right now and feel like having a wank, think I should go for it? I mean, isn’t it natural to have these urges?

Oh wait, I’ll get fired and be registered as a sex offender. Hmmm… Society is so unnatural! It’s not me, it’s them!

chump-pin
chump-pin
6 years ago
Reply to  OneDaySomeDay

And to think I just hump my office chair like I saw a chimp do to a dirt mound at the zoo. I’m doing nature wrong!

Now I.C.
Now I.C.
6 years ago

Plague and polio- totes natural.

Bite me.

Sunflower36
Sunflower36
6 years ago
Reply to  Now I.C.

This made me LOL!

Onwards
Onwards
6 years ago

Thank you CL for the UBT. Arsenic is natural LOL
after being confronted at DD2 X got an EA OW to write to me that I had nothing to worry about from her. Er apart from the fact my then husband of decades is secretly messaging the same intimate endearments he calls me to some single female? I did not reply (my issue was with him not some random with a lack of character). It was not his first cheating incident but I’d believed the previous lies before the gaps in my credulity were grew too big. Then at DD2 he let slip that DD1 had actually not just been an EA. conversations – they just lead to problems…Now I trust that he sucks, and am working on gaining a life so that one Tuesday I will get to meh. So many ‘natural’ things cheaters remind me of – leeches and other parasites, vermin, infections…where’s that bottle of cheater begone again?

ICanSeeTheMehComing!
ICanSeeTheMehComing!
6 years ago

I have to go back and keep reading, but sweet Jesus, Tracey… you got me with this one:

“Women compete to have men, who are not designed to be faithful. Because… oxytocin. Bitches will just bond with anything.”

Gotta go clean myself up – hot tea through the nose! WORTH. IT.

Newbies – these gems will bring your back to yourself… laughter at the insanity of the cheaters (and the RIC) is key to regaining your sanity.

Golfgrrl
Golfgrrl
6 years ago

Laughed out loud at this:

“That’s all very fine and good but it doesn’t negate the fact that Bambi’s mother dies. Deal.”

Strange looks on thet train. Again.

StartofSomethingGood
StartofSomethingGood
6 years ago

I know!! Hilarious!! She got me at:

Canadians! I’m talking to you!!!

????????

StartofSomethingGood
StartofSomethingGood
6 years ago

I’m sorry to bring religion into this but, God created man in His own image and set us apart from all other species from the beginning. So no, infidelity is not natural. Monogamy is. Adultery falls short of God’s ideal for His children. Don’t forget the number 6 and number 10: Don’t commit adultery and don’t covet your neighbor’s wife. Furthermore there are only two permissible reasons for divorce. One being if your spouse commits adultery. To say monogamy isn’t natural or marriage was created as a business transaction is utterly ridiculous! Those are cheater excuses.

spiritwoman
spiritwoman
6 years ago

Yet the ultimate mindfuck is when the cheater claims that “God has already forgiven them” and actually “approves “of what they’re doing. Yes my exH truly believes this and thinks I’m just not on the same spirtitual plane to understand or comprehend it all. You see he’s finally found his soulmate that God meant to be his only one, and of course he must fix the greatest mistake he ever made, to do “what is right”.

The cheater will use whatever mental gymnastics required to justify their feelings and validate their actions. Even if it means throwing the GOD CARD out there, because why wouldn’t I believe this was all part of God’s plans and who am I to argue against God?

Thus making my cheater feel like the sinner that’s SO ASSURE he’s been saved, while making the victim appear incapable of accepting that God’s will is to make sure cheater is happy. Apparently, God makes exceptions to the Ten Commandments for those who sins leads to happiness? That sums up all of Cheater Philosophy

Sicatrose
Sicatrose
6 years ago
Reply to  spiritwoman

My Cheater, a former drug addict, alcoholic, and convicted felon, now a Born-again Christian, gave me the whole “God has forgiven me” speech. When he told me, “You need to open your heart to the Lord to give me forgiveness, ” my response was “Fuck you.” I am glad that his religion brings him comfort and helps him remain clean and sober. However, I will not stand for it to be used to manipulate me. The thing he can’t quite understand is, I have forgiven him, I just don’t want him to be my husband anymore. He may be religious now but he hasn’t lost that sense of entitlement. He is no longer entitled to be my husband after all he’s done.

Nyra
Nyra
6 years ago
Reply to  Sicatrose

There are people who USE Christianity/religion as if it was another entitlement program. They also use it to hide behind and as a tool of manipulation. The Bible refers to these people as wolves in sheeps clothing….and we are told to beware of them! They are not Christians! They are using the cover of Christianity to manipulate & deceive

Freer Every Day
Freer Every Day
6 years ago
Reply to  Nyra

My ex and I were leaders in our church system. It did not stop him from abusing me or from cheating. His OW (now wife) was a church pianist. She has on her FB the she ‘believes in biblical marriage….1 man, 1 woman…for life’….she put it on there WHILE screwing my husband. He is her 3rd husband. You just cannot make up this level of crazy.

Because they are now so HAPPY, HAPPY, HAPPY (at least in public) and I am so ANGRY AND JUDGMENTAL…..hahahahahaha…..they are such BETTER CHRISTIANS THAN I AM….omg…..

God created marriage from the beginning to keep everyone taken care of and happy, to keep children safe, and to show what a relationship with Him is supposed to look like. Loyal, honorable, close and respectful. All of the cheating and lying destroys everyone except the cheater. It is the exact opposite of God’s intention.

Those who hide behind religion, or use it to batter the betrayed spouse are the lowest form of garbage there is.

I have a relationship with God and do my best not to trash it, me, or anyone else. It makes bile rise in my mouth that so many pretend to be christian and use that as a smokescreen to hide their evil behind. It is slap in the face to God, real christians, and the faithful spouses who have raised their children to know and love the way of God that protects families and individuals and then have to watch them lose all faith because of the actions of one parent and the adultery partner.

I have a son that was the sweetest, most loving person you could ever meet; loved the Word of God all his life, and was called to preach at a young age…only to lose trust in God and damage his life in unbelievable ways while dealing with the pain of it all and his father’s betrayal. The OW made friends with him AT CHURCH 2 years before the divorce and 3 years before being introduced as daddy’s ‘new’ GF. It made such a mess of his loyalty and led him to completely abandon me and then subsequently mess up his life. I worry about him the most. He is like me…gentle, kind, and used to be loyal to too many. He has all the makings of a chump, and I can’t help him because he’s believed all the lies thrown out.

This UBT is spot on and I can’t believe that anyone is so stupid to believe this drivel.

Bud
Bud
6 years ago
Reply to  Sicatrose

Oh I like that for a response. Since most all cheaters feel entitled to their cheating ways. The best come back would be to let them and any others know that the cheater is no longer entitled to be my spouse… My cheating ex-wife would flip if she heard that.

Nyra
Nyra
6 years ago
Reply to  Bud

????????

UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
6 years ago

Well said, Start…!!!!

I agree 100%. God gave us free will, not free-for-all-that-I-feel-entitled-to-no-consequences

QueenMother
QueenMother
6 years ago

Support ya on this, StartofSomethingGood. Also, humans can be a higher order of creation, above animals, if we get our souls into our lives. If our lusts enslave us? We are not animals, we are demons.

CanadianDad
CanadianDad
6 years ago
Reply to  QueenMother

We can take religion out of it and say that as humans we have developed an understanding of what is right and wrong because we aspire to be more than animals. This nonsense is just an excuse to do whatever you f#%&ing feel like. Commitment and dedication mean not always doing or getting what you want. Holy shit, today’s post made me feel like my head would explode. CL, you were right on the money!!

lovedandlost
lovedandlost
6 years ago
Reply to  CanadianDad

Yes! This is so obvious. Thank you CL for being the voice of reason albeit sarcasm. Is it possible that with all this hype of the “me too” band wagon, that victims of spousal/financial/sexual/emotional abuse will also achieve societal vindication?
It’s time to stop the acceptance of infidelity because “everybody does it” or “if it feels good, do it” attitudes.

Gorillapoop
Gorillapoop
6 years ago
Reply to  CanadianDad

It’s even more basic than that. I don’t’ give a shit if monogamy is “normal” or if cheating is empirically right or wrong. This is not what I signed up for, nor what you promised. I lived up to my part of the bargain, you did not. Consequences. Goodbye.

Feelingit
Feelingit
6 years ago

The Disney model doesn’t negate that only 5% of animals are monogamous? WTF?

Not sure what the Disney model is but I challenge her to name a Disney movie with a 2 parent intact family. Mary Popins. Going back quite a ways for that one. Many don’t even have a dad character- some type of natural asexual reproduction I am missing?

What about those 5% in nature, maybe they are highly evolved- shall we explore that? No, let’s try to hang with the majority of mice.

GoWithYourGut
GoWithYourGut
6 years ago

I have no idea who this woman is, but that article–I mean rubbish– she wrote depicts how hard she’s trying to validate what sounds like her own lifestyle choices.

“I am not evil! Just natural! Because naturally, I can’t stick to one man, because–nature. And hormones.”

Roberta
Roberta
6 years ago

It scares me to death to read this drivel. There seems to be a whole legion of Boodram and Perel people out there pretending to be “normal” when it comes to traditional marriage. Trouble is, you find out after you have married them that don’t buy into the traditional model! It may be “natural”, but most human beings have evolved enough to know right from wrong and infidelity is WRONG! We aren’t cavemen and women anymore! Family isn’t created to be used by some entitled cheater to further his happiness quota! For heavens sake, where do these idiots get these twisted ideas? Makes me wonder how they were raised. Maybe in a cave or under a rock! What happened to the vow “forsaking all others”? We’re those just words with no meaning to the cheater? Apparently!

NotMehYet2
NotMehYet2
6 years ago
Reply to  Roberta

In the small print my ExWhore had inserted a caveat “forsaking all others until I find someone I think is better”.

I didn’t get that clause added to my vows.

Natalia.B
Natalia.B
6 years ago
Reply to  NotMehYet2

My husband’s version was….forsaking all others but just for today!

Freer Every Day
Freer Every Day
6 years ago
Reply to  Natalia.B

My husband stood before me, God, and our friends and family and vowed those words, only to tell me 18 years later that DURING THE WEDDING he was creating a scorecard in his head that went this way:

If I got what I wanted that made me happy, I won.
If he got what he wanted, or kept me from getting what I wanted, he won….and HE wasn’t losing.

While speaking vows he was figuring out how to make sure I would never be happy. There are no words for this brand of fucked-up.

If he had told me there was a competition, I would never have married him; and if I had been stupid enough to marry him anyway, I could have at least understood what was happening and could have ‘played’ the game.

As always….you can’t make this stuff up….

Drew
Drew
6 years ago
Reply to  Natalia.B

Truth! Never “better.”

Survivor
Survivor
6 years ago
Reply to  Roberta

Cheaters marry to take their chumps off the market. Because they want their chumps all to themselves. That accomplished, they do what they want. Reciprocity is a difficult concept for them to understand.

Winddrinker
Winddrinker
6 years ago
Reply to  Survivor

This is spot on!

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
6 years ago

“Am I a terrible person for doing this?”

Answer: Yes.

Ok done.

Creativerational
Creativerational
6 years ago

Eat pray love lady’s partner just died, and I’m sad for her, but everyone on Facebook is posting her homage and totally glossing over the destruction of her previous partner and infidelity that came with this union. People are all heartbroken and sobbing for her and her love. Except… what about the stuff you left in the rubble. Oh. Look at my amazing stuff. The power the glory. Ignore the reality/mess/consequences behind the curtain.

It is fine and good to say you’re open. You want a relationship where other partners are allowed. I actually know that some folks with that life choice who are functional and loving and happy, as are their multiple partners of varying degrees of commitment. But that’s based on rules reality and trust. This isn’t what most cheaters want. They want cake. They want to get one over on you. They bask in their awesomeness of being adored and loved and awesome and also sneaking off to get a wank. Ugh. I’m just sad. I wish life wasn’t so fucking hard.

almostbluegirl
almostbluegirl
6 years ago

The stuff she left in the rubbble for AT LEAST the second time. She blew up the marriage she went to eat, pray, and love to get over via infidelity as well.

Tempest
Tempest
6 years ago

Damn, Elizabeth Gilbert is sucking up the kibbles today, isn’t she. I have immense sympathy for her partner, RIP, but not for Gilbert herself. How better to cast herself back into the limelight after that godawful book, than to ditch her second husband to become lesbian. “Look how enlightened I am!! And I chose a dying woman for my next relationship so that all eyes will be on me as I compassionately sit by her bed in Hospice!! Aren’t I the cat’s meow?”

She’s not hip or enlightened, she’s pathetic and a moral reprobate.

Creativerational
Creativerational
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

My terrible side thinks her choices were based on knowing that her partner was dying -she can say that she was faithful to one partner. this woman was a part of her life for years and only took priority once she was falling into the abyss. Gilbert is a cold strange woman. I don’t understand how people think she’s an example to follow.

WisedUp
WisedUp
6 years ago

I know I shouldn’t feel this way but when I read this kind of tripe, my first thought is to hope that someday this idiot writing this clickbait shite will have it happen to them, because that is the only way they are going to understand.

But I know that’s wrong to wish someone ill and because I have a conscience, unlike cheaters, I immediately remind myself that I don’t actually wish chumpdom on anyone, even a clueless blameshifting self-appointed expert, sexpert or self styled “sexologist.” Another wannabee Perel?

Freer Every Day
Freer Every Day
6 years ago
Reply to  WisedUp

Even if it happens to her I don’t think she will be as devastated as we were; she obviously does not know how to commit and feel the sanctity of marriage. It’s cheap to her. It’s negotiable. She will just shrug and find a new partner immediately to validate her opinion.

Waffles
Waffles
6 years ago

Exactly. They never are invested to begin with. I think the only ‘pain’ they feel is the slight to the ego. The actual pain from a devastating loss like that would only be possible if they loved the chump. XH loved me the same as he loved he favorite shirt. One day he found a shirt he loved more. Then he found a bunch of other shirts. I just got relegated to the closet floor.

arlo
arlo
6 years ago
Reply to  WisedUp

I think they are living/writing some massive pick-me dance. Like, they built a career on it, they’ve bet everything on it, it’s their identity.

Off the crazy train
Off the crazy train
6 years ago
Reply to  WisedUp

You’re not alone in feeling that way. If she doesn’t have enough natural empathy to be able to imagine being chumped, then the only way she will understand it is if she experiences it for herself.

Don’t feel bad for feeling that way about her. It’s only natural, after all 😉

WisedUp
WisedUp
6 years ago

Good one! Yeah, it’s all so “natural”. My kicking cheaterpants out of our home on Dday, kicking him off the family phone plan, cancelling his internet access, and fighting tooth and nail to get him off the house deed was all “natural” as well. After all, my own natural reactions, pursuing my personal happiness is paramount (snicker).

Onedaysomeday
Onedaysomeday
6 years ago
Reply to  WisedUp

Oh yes hahaha. Love this

SuperDuperChump
SuperDuperChump
6 years ago

When I found out Debbie Douchebag was screwing the preacher, I naturally wanted to take that sawed off, Remington 12 gauge under my truck seat and allow him to have a real conversation with Jesus.

I don’t think my “natural” defense would have kept me out of the Crossbars Hotel.

NotMehYet2
NotMehYet2
6 years ago

I wanted to take my blue crow bar to The Virus’s(OM) skull. But I denied my “natural” impulses. Like you say. I kick his c*nt in I go to jail. He fucks up my family I pay for divorce.

Win win for him.

Gorillapoop
Gorillapoop
6 years ago
Reply to  NotMehYet2

So true.

Freer Every Day
Freer Every Day
6 years ago
Reply to  Gorillapoop

I found out we can lose our entire life, reputation, family, and everything that we value and we are supposed to just suck it up, forgive, pay, pay, pay, and crap bunnies and rainbows. But..if we even say something ‘negative’ we are instantly horrible people…let alone want to punish the evil doer.

Jojobee
Jojobee
6 years ago

Indeed SDC! Absolutely NOTHING is more “natural” than feeling murderous rage at having been deceived, robbed, and your life endangered. But these “natural” supporters would never support that because it would have consequences landing on their head for a change.

Mjo
Mjo
6 years ago

This just makes me feel sad. Sad because the author may actually believe everything she wrote; sad because if she’s not, she is using a ridiculous angle on cheating to sell books, and mostly sad because cheaters and wannabe cheaters who read this will feel justified. Just another chip chiseled off modern day morality.

I’m forever changed because of what my mate did. I consider myself pretty strong, incredibly hopeful. I survived some pretty nasty stuff in my life. But destroying my family, and the way my stbx did it (the double life, the lies, dragging the divorce,etc) really did me in.

She can go fuck herself.

Tempest
Tempest
6 years ago
Reply to  Mjo

I’m sorry, Mjo; suffering from infidelity does feel like it defines us afterwards. I don’t know how far out you are from D-day and divorce, but after the initial shock & awe, then anger, then pain & grief, you will turn a corner. When I first came to this site, other chumps would tell me that the experience would eventually make me stronger and wiser. Wiser, I was willing to concede, but stronger? How could that be? To have your whole life undermined by deception and yet be better for it?

But it happened, quite to my surprise. I will never “get over” the betrayal, but it has altered my life trajectory for the better in many ways, including the desire to help others. It has also made me fearless; once the horror of having 24 years of love, effort, and devotion blow up in one’s face happens, what else is there to be scared of?

Jojobee
Jojobee
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Tempest, I agree that I am stronger, wiser, and indeed a better/kinder person for what has happened to me. Yet–I would undo it in a heartbeat if I could. Like Mjo I feel forever changed in a deep way which is not essentially better for me. Partly, I think that a lot of the cheater based narrative about infidelity survives in our culture because NO ONE (including us chumps) want to admit that this action causes immense, irreversible, irreducible harm to people.

Tempest
Tempest
6 years ago
Reply to  Jojobee

I completely agree; the harm is irreversible.

Interesting point, though, about whether we’d be willing to undo it. Certainly I would not wish the horror I lived through on anyone (including myself). But…I also recognize that infidelity was probably the only basis on which I would have left a marriage to a subtle and sophisticated emotional abuser. Though I was prepared to leave because of the emotional abuse, I know in my heart of hearts I would have been lured back by his pitiful protestations and promises to change (it had already happened numerous times).

The infidelity has also altered my career path in a way that will allow me to help more people than I could have otherwise, and to add lectures to my classes that may prevent young people from chumpdom. Thus, I’m at a point where the good that arose out of the infidelity might be more than than the pain of it. Maybe; still contemplating.

Freer Every Day
Freer Every Day
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

I’m finding I am becoming stronger. But, I’m also ‘harder’ in ways I never would have chosen. My trust level will never be what it used to be, and that sweet, loving, open person is gone forever. The pain has etched places on my heart and soul that may scar over, but the scars are here for life. My hope is that the scars will eventually turn into a beautiful mosaic of growth, healing, and a testament that can show others that you do survive, thrive, and are better off leaving.

I should have left years earlier than I did (married 25 years), but I stayed to protect my kids. He threatened all kinds of stuff to me and them if I left. I was stupid, naive, and saw him thru the lens of my belief that most people were like me and trying their best.

I eventually lost everything i tried so hard to hold onto. It was not worth it to lose so many years of my life, my children’s affection, and my dignity. I never would have counseled a woman to leave her marriage, but I do so now anytime they tell me stories that even hint at life with a Cluster B.

ICanSeeTheMehComing!
ICanSeeTheMehComing!
6 years ago

Only correlation between nature and Mr. Sparkles urges is that he’s probably had more than one blow job in the woods from a tranny dressed up as Little Red Riding. Hood.

All I gots on this drivel is if you want a polyamorous relationship, then have the courage to own that and find a partner who has a mutual desire. Please, however, don’t procreate (see paternity testing)… don’t bring kids into a situation where they are powerless to mind-fucking as well as multi-partner fucking.

Mr. Sparkles is a non-discriminate, opportunistic serial cheater who pathologically needs the “mask” of relationship normalcy to hide behind. THAT. IS. WHO. HE. IS. and it has nothing to do with nature.

arlo
arlo
6 years ago

“Encourage opacity…”

Wait, I don’t think those words mean what she thinks they mean. Hmm, could she be bass-ackwards and full of shit?

Freer Every Day
Freer Every Day
6 years ago
Reply to  arlo

Translation….’Cover Up the Lies’. ‘Hide the truth of the pain it causes’. ‘Get away with being a lying, cheating, POS’

PF
PF
6 years ago

What an insightful view into the minds of cheaters and cheater apologists.

The premise that “if it has happines in nature, then yes, it’s natural” exibits the laziness and lack of critical thinking required to impersonate evolved thinking, the irony is astounding.

CL hit it out of the park….UBT wins!!!!!

Got-a-brain
Got-a-brain
6 years ago

“It’s not your partner fucking other people that’s traumatic, it’s your inability to identify patterns. Avoid polka dots. And plaid.”

???? ????????

Ah, the evolution/ biology argument, it always makes me laugh. Hey, you want to know why people aren’t responsible for their own behavior… evolution my friends! It’s this funny thing that theorizes we have evolved to higher level thinkinking, thus making us capable of controling natural animalistic urges, but hey, that doesn’t work for my argument… sooooo let’s drop the entire basis of the evolutionary theory argument. I like to cherry pick my arguments. I find context dropping so convenient! It works for me, you should try it! Want to make your point even more believable? Simple shift the focus to something completely unrealated. The mating habits of chickens and fruit flies for example. Evolution must apply to them too, so let’s use that assumption to solidify our argument! Cherry pick my friends, it will never fail to provide you a relevant argument!

Tempest
Tempest
6 years ago
Reply to  Got-a-brain

This line of bullshit spewed by Ms. Boodram is an affront to evolutionary psychology. You’re right, Got-a-Brain, it cherry picks the science to support an erroneous conclusion.

Furthermore, the world’s foremost evolutionary psychologist on mating, David Buss, was also the first one to empirically find that the intention to cheat is highly associated with narcissistic traits and lack of conscientiousness (Buss & Shackelford, 1997). And yet, the cherry pickers never seem to cite that article. Hmmmm.

Got-a-brain
Got-a-brain
6 years ago
Reply to  Got-a-brain

I couldn’t not comment on this

“because generally speaking, people do not want what satisfies them and their morals to be in direct conflict”

Well duh ????… and that’s what cheater apologists and justification are for!

I say she’s doing a pretty good job of both. Yay for her, supplying firsts aid to the cheaters broken moral compass, as to destroy any possibilities of guilt. Why feel guilt when you can feel good? Sounds super evolutionary to me! Oh wait, isn’t part of evolution the ability to suppress those selfish urges, and actually experience guilt? I’m pretty sure my dog feels more guilt rummaging through the trash than cheaters feel for cheating!

Dam… looks like her own argument of evolution puts her low on the evolutionary totem pole. better slap a muzzle on her and drag her around on a leash… it’s only natural!

#notevolved

CheatersKilljoy
CheatersKilljoy
6 years ago

Holy shit that was irritating. Thank God the UBT was there to clear that word vomit up.

The beautiful thing about being human is that we recognize we are animals but we rise above animal tendencies to be better! It’s beautiful to follow empathic, moral values that benefit humanity as a whole and not a selfish Darwin desire of survival of the fittest or duping a loving spouse do you can eat cake! People who do that are fucking low ass human garbage closer to animals than humans.

Blindside
Blindside
6 years ago

I hate these articles that try to justify this crap. They seem to always try to “lift up” somebody, regardless of the choices that person makes in their life.

I hate to sound like an old codger, but it just seems like society nowadays is always looking to make everyone feel good about themselves regardless of the choices that they make. Everyone gets a trophy, everyone needs to celebrate themselves, everyone needs total fulfillment…..regardless of what it takes to get there.

Accountability to others……what’s that? Putting someone else ahead of yourself…..why would you do something like that? For whatever reason, pursuing personal happiness even if it comes at somebody else’s expense, is something that’s encouraged, tolerated and justified. We’re not better off as a society for that.

CanadianDad
CanadianDad
6 years ago

My feelings of hurt, betrayal, and rage are pretty natural. My desire to take a shovel to the AP is pretty natural. I should accept these feeling and open my mind to the possibilities.

What a truckload of BS.

susan devlin
susan devlin
6 years ago

when you think about it, you can justify anything. It doesnt make it right. I was told if I dyed my hair, he wont have cheated on me. people will think what they want. its what you think that matters. My ex says God helps him. shame God couldnt help him earlier (he must have been busy).

GratefullyDivorcedDad
GratefullyDivorcedDad
6 years ago

I just had to Google the article’s author, Shannon Boodram. According to her Linked In profile she’s a (self-proclaimed) “Sex and Love Expert” – yay for her!

To achieve this lofty title she didn’t waste time studying human psychology or sociology. Nope. She took the more serious route to becoming an “expert” by getting a BA in English from Coppin State and an Associates degree in Journalism from Centennial College. Then, in 2014-2015 she attended the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality (IASHS).

On their webpage, the IASHS boasts the longest standing graduate program in Human Sexuality with the largest resource library in the world, and that they’re “considered the Harvard of human sexology study”. The fact that self-proclaimed sex and love expert Shannon Boodram studied for well over one year(!) at the self-proclaimed Harvard of human sexology study tells me her opinion should be given all the credibility it deserves.

I would guess that it’s only a matter of time before the Nobel Committee discovers her body of work and begins engraving her name on a medal.

srfrgrl
srfrgrl
6 years ago

I googled her also. I had to laugh when I saw her self proclaimed nickname “Shanboody”. If that doesn’t scream professionalism and credibility, I don’t know what does. ????

UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
6 years ago

LOL and OMG, the Idiocracy of her bio makes me want to hurl and laugh.
#LifeGoals

UXworld
UXworld
6 years ago

OMG — thank you for posting this. I am now firmly convinced that KK’s need for tax documentation “to apply to grad school” has to do with this “program,” or something very close to it.

She wants to be some version of Ms. Boodram.

CanadianDad
CanadianDad
6 years ago

You know, I could agree with the author on a couple of points. I think there are times when everyone would like fun without responsibility. Who wouldn’t like to eat ice cream for breakfast? If I met someone and AT THE OUTSET, they said they wanted an open relationship because they were incapable of being with one man, I would have the option of deciding my own course of action with my eyes wide open. Cheaters don’t do that!! That’s what they’re called cheaters for fuck’s sake. Making excuses for why you couldn’t live up to the promises you made and blaming it on being unnatural is pretty fucking weak.

The only thing I have good to say about this excuse is that it isn’t as saying to the faithful spouse that “if only you … this wouldn’t have happened”.

I may never be in a relationship again, but if someone asked me if I would be okay with an open, no-strings-attached relationship, the answer would be no thanks. I guess that makes me unnatural.

UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
6 years ago
Reply to  CanadianDad

Count me as unnatural too then.
Not long after The Evil One and my divorce was final, I started dating a guy I had known for months. He did in fact tell me that he would never be monogamous again (he had just divorced himself), but that I was his “primary” (ahem) “girl”(not the term he used).
At that comment I told him that he was now my “primary ex” .

Off the crazy train
Off the crazy train
6 years ago

Ha!

Gorillapoop
Gorillapoop
6 years ago

Yeah, When my ex and I were in marriage counseling, he mansplained to me that he didn’t cheat, he just explored polyamory without telling me. He told me I should read the “Ethical Slut” so I could understand him better. I reminded him that he’d lost any claim to being ethical, and if he tried to call me his “primary” one more time, I would puke in his face and kick him in the nuts.

Chompingchump
Chompingchump
6 years ago

If cheating is natural and common through the ages, then so is killing the cheater. If we legitimize one, we should legitimize the other.

Now-I-Know-What-Hell-Looks-Like
Now-I-Know-What-Hell-Looks-Like
6 years ago
Reply to  Chompingchump

Works for me!!

UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
6 years ago
Reply to  Chompingchump

Sounds legit.

Doubtless
Doubtless
6 years ago

UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
6 years ago
Reply to  Doubtless

Too legit to quit!!!!

Boom!!!

Beepboop
Beepboop
6 years ago

I need her husband to spend their assets on jewelry and vacations for me because #testosterone. It’s just natural for me to want the good stuff and not have to work for it.

UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
6 years ago
Reply to  Beepboop

Oh, they “work” for it alright. Old school calls it prostitution

Kathleen
Kathleen
6 years ago

Fuck her!!!

Making excuses for a betrayal is disgusting & she should kiss my ass. Monster ????

Leavingthecrapbehind
Leavingthecrapbehind
6 years ago
Reply to  Kathleen

My cat’s shit is “of nature.” That doesn’t mean I believe in it or embrace it!

nodancing
nodancing
6 years ago

Every time I read crap like this I run into the same misconception, that cheaters cheat because they are just wandering idiots who are biologically compelled. Like chump lady wrote, they cheat because they enjoy deception. They like having secret knowledge which gives them an upper hand. They also don’t just cheat sexually, there are always lies that extend beyond sex. Lies about money, status, their history, who said or did what. They deceive everyone, even and especially their close family. It’s all about power.

UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
6 years ago
Reply to  nodancing

Exactly.

Redding
Redding
6 years ago

T. S. Eliot:
Nature is red in tooth and claw.

Rising above primitive urges is what allows humans to build societies.

People who do not control their impulses are locked up. I want your hunk of meat- I will bash you in the head for it. Natural? Yes. But who wants to live beside my cave? No one.

Waxing dreamy about nature is what I did when I was 14. When you see things like your gerbil eating it’s babies, almost drown in a rip tide or try to live in Florida with no air conditioning- those hyper idealized myths of nature being a benevolent earth mother granny are vaporized.

You can’t have tea with a tiger, and you can’t marry a subhuman clod who believes fucking when the urge hits is their right because they felt an itch of lust.

NotToday
NotToday
6 years ago
Reply to  Redding

Exactly, and very well-said. You have a lovely language aesthetic!

Tempest
Tempest
6 years ago

Will comment more substantially, but just wanted to say that “Stop looking at strangling flaky columnists with concertina wire as some sort of heinous crime.” made my day.

Sugar Coated Lies
Sugar Coated Lies
6 years ago

Mothers also eat their young in nature. Should we start doing that too?

Tempest
Tempest
6 years ago

Completely spurious argument to argue that what is “common” or “natural (i.e., occurs in nature)” is morally acceptable.

List of things that are sadly, statistically common, but run the gamut from slightly immoral to downright evil:
-child abuse
-shoplifting
-stealing towels from hotel rooms
-taking more than you can eat from an All-you-can-eat-buffet
-lying and manipulation

Events that are natural, but not moral:
-Male gorillas who enter a new troop will kill the infants so that their mothers come into estrus sooner
-mother birds tossing weak baby birds out of the nest
-warring chimpanzees will bite off their opponents’ fingers and genitals
-and all the things mentioned above (e.g., female insects eating the heads of their partners after mating)

UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
6 years ago

I heard Dr. Phil say this years ago and it has stayed with me ever since:

When you choose the behavior, you choose the consequences.

I guess I’m just a 46-year-old, twice-divorced narrow-minded, fuddy-duddy that just “doesn’t understand” how things are nowadays.
I’m must not be as enlightened or as open minded as I should be to accept this drivel as legitimate consideration or something for me to accept as truth.

Hell to the no. Fuck that noise.
I’ll stay single with a goldfish and a puppy in the corner than deal with this mess.

Freer Every Day
Freer Every Day
6 years ago

Sometimes I feel like a throw back, but I ‘m totally monogamous, loyal, and honest. After reading on this site and a few others, coupled with who I married, I’m not sure I will ever date/marry again. I would love to know what it should have been like, but I can’t live any version of that again.

It has helped hearing the male chumps on here, and knowing there are men like that out there, but I have no idea how to find or identify them. The fear he instilled in me is still too present.

MovingOn
MovingOn
6 years ago

I agree, Freer. I have been single since my divorce partly because I’m a working, single mom of three who tried Match and found it to be too time-consuming (and ultimately, not for me) and partly because my life is relatively calm and happy right now (the “relatively” part is due to my ex-cheater and his horrid Owife who find it hard to be kind to my kids). Why would I want to open myself up to another potential cheater situation? Like you said, I thought that my ex was a decent person, and I was clearly wrong. I’d rather be single and at peace than feel the excitement of what I think is a potential new love and have it turn out to be another nightmare.

Freer Every Day
Freer Every Day
6 years ago
Reply to  MovingOn

I’d rather be married and at peace, but have no confidence it’s doable. These jerks take so much from us thst we are forever different. I’m not closing the door, but won’t actively seek anyone.

Off the crazy train
Off the crazy train
6 years ago

Congrats on the puppy 🙂

RockStarWife
RockStarWife
6 years ago

Boodram’s article reminds me of articles on the Graduate Record Exam (GRE) which test takers need to analyze for logical merit. With little effort, even straight out of bed having had little sleep (I have had little high quality sleep since last discard by my ex-boyfriend), I could write a thesis on the logical holes in this article.

One thing that is noticeably lacking is attention to the effect of the betrayal/mistreatment/abuse by cheating partner and OM/OW on chump. While the OM/OW might not have pulled the trigger on the murder weapon (directly caused the detonation of the relationship between chump and chump’s partner), the OM/OW acted as an accomplice (drove the getaway vehicle from the crime scene). When I first met my partners, especially last boyfriend, I felt as though my new partner (old friend in my last case), during the Idealization Stage, made me feel beautiful, competent, worthy, and loved. After twisting myself into a pretzel to make my partner happy as I loved him and wanted to remain his partner for life, during the Devaluation and Discard Stages, his response, to subtly and overtly to revile and reject me contributed to me feeling ugly, incompetent, unworthy, and unloved. While I realize that my view of myself is determined by me, to say that that the deceit and disrespect of cheaters/abusers didn’t serve as a trigger to my new negative feelings and thoughts about me and the world in general would be outlandish.

To Boodram’s statement about the chump creating an environment facilitating communication, I would laugh if I were not roiling in nausea thinking about the sick, twisted discard by my last boyfriend nearly five months ago. Numerous times I gently encouraged him (and my husband), timid forest creatures, to talk to me about our relationship, only to be told that nothing was wrong in the case of my boyfriend and I was the problem in the case of my husband. A lot was wrong–my boyfriend was planning his ‘escape’ (this happened before both discards) and husband was thinking about his affairs.

I’ll address one more bee in my bonnet brought to my attention by this sexologist’s article, I am SICK of Affair Partners calling the shots on the relationships between their illicit partners and chumps. Both my husband’s co-worker affair partner, one of several affair partners, and the one who asked my husband to impregnate her while married to me and then get a vasectomy, unbeknownst to me, and my husband’s latest girlfriend during separation from me advised me on how to manage my marriage and divorce. The balls of them!

In academia, authors often write articles based on questions that arose from the last article they wrote.
So how about an article on how chumps can deal with the fallout of adultery, betrayal, and often long-standing mistreatment or even abuse? Here’s a ‘short’ list of some key words for Boodram to look up in her literature search for her ‘research:’ (and I’m not referring to chumps who were mentally ill before D-day): confusion, numbness, nausea, vomiting, dramatic weight change, insomnia (for months), exhaustion, trembling, tingling hands, hair loss, skin diseases (break outs), chronic crying, chest pains, anxiety, panic attacks, fear of loss of time with children, grief, divorce, long-standing poverty, effect of lost productivity on society, unwarranted shame/guilt, permanent lack of trust in other humans, rage, loss of self-esteem/self-respect, major depression, suicide–to name a few.

I wish that I could just wash off all the filth of being betrayed that seems to envelop me, pervade every pore of my body and poison me these last several months/years.

Hope that the day just gets better from here on for all good chumps!

Redding
Redding
6 years ago
Reply to  RockStarWife

Yes Yes and Yes.

TMI- The largest discovery of betrayal from my partner…. the mother lode of evidence that could not be denied… gave me such terrible diarrhea that I shit my pants at work. Sexy and natural, huh?

Roberta
Roberta
6 years ago
Reply to  Redding

Redding, well, it is Natural so if we understand the rules under which Boodram has payed out for us, you’re okay!! So if you were at work you could have just sat around with your co-workers and when they complained about the stink you could have acted all innocent about the source of the stink. Isn’t that what cheaters do? You ask over and over again if they are troubled or unhappy and they deny any problem exists at all!

CeliA
CeliA
6 years ago
Reply to  Roberta

I imagine cheater manbabies shitting their pants pretending everything’s OK, trying not to cry while they wait for chumpy mommy to wipe off their ass and clean their shit up. :))))

JesssMom
JesssMom
6 years ago
Reply to  RockStarWife

RSW: Thank you so much for mentioning the logical holes in the article. I was astonished at the repeated errors. It’s so bad. Any dignified editor would have a field day with the article.

LivingMyLife
LivingMyLife
6 years ago

What if we ask this OW, “ how would you feel or how have you felt when someone that you trust, lies and betrays you? That’s what no one ever asks.

Chump Princess
Chump Princess
6 years ago

There are tasks that I am required to do as part of my job that I find tedious and I would prefer not to do them. I do them because I understood them to be part of the job when I accepted the position. I applied for this job. I wasn’t forced into it and no one stands over me with a whip or a gun forcing me to keep it. This is a contractual arrangement to which I agreed – I perform certain tasks for which I am compensated at a rate to which I agreed. If this job was not to my liking, I was able to apply for other positions which may have been more in line with my mental, physical and psychological imperatives.

I do not believe that anyone at CN was in an arranged marriage (see Ms. Boodram’s drivel regarding concerns about legitimate offspring, passing down assets, etc.). I believe that to a person we were all volunteers, including the cheaters. We are not talking about oxytocin, nature or any other biological imperatives here. What we’re actually talking about is misrepresentation, hypocrisy, mendacity, poor impulse control and lack of character. Similar characteristics which drive the thoughts and behaviors of all types of ne’er-do-wells up to and including serial killers.

I cut my hair and I never intend to have it long again. Any man who desires a woman with long hair should not date me. My Ex knew one of my criteria for marriage was monogamy. I made no secret of it. If he did not believe in monogamy and he wanted to be free to pursue other women, I was not the woman for him and he was not the man for me. No harm, no foul. The problem was he wanted someone who believed in monogamy who would not cheat on him. The only way to achieve that was to lie and deceive me – until he didn’t. He volunteered for job for which he wanted payment without doing any of the work. So yes, my Ex was being natural – a natural asshole.