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And the Infidelity Valentine’s Day Winners Are…

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Happy Valentine’s Day, CN! You all made choosing a winner VERY difficult. Hundreds of Infidelity Valentine’s Day submissions! I need a literary editor… or a committee or something. Thanks everyone for playing! The next round of brain bleach is on me!

Now to business… I’ve listed the runner’s up first… and then the winners, first of the limericks, and then the haiku.

You all ROCK, btw. And are very twisted. And snarky. I like that.

In the limerick division…

pulmafool
There once was a doctor I knew
He left and called me a shrew
He fucked a nurse
Then lined her purse
“I walk with Jesus” says her tattoo.

Something about the Jesus cheater tattoo… Permanent ink must make it so. I bet that tattoo is deeper than she is. Geez.

Mehtamorphosis 
There once was a shy nerd named Woody
Who seemed to be all goody-goody
‘Til the marriage police
Caught him fucking his niece
On the floor with her bum on her hoody

Extra points for rhyming this while literally getting divorced and for the extra ick factor of an OW niece.

Amiisfree
The man who seemed honest and tender,
Turned out to be quite a pretender.
His preference for youth
Made me see the truth.
I shipped him out, “Return to Sender”.

Cue Elvis Presley. I can imagine the forehead stamp now…

Still I Rise 
Cheater fucked a howorker in his marital bed
Traded a quarter century relationship for disease-ridden head
The marriage vows? SHATTERED
The betrayed wife’s heart? SPLATTERED
Can’t be faithful? DON’T GET WED!!!

Great public service announcement as limerick.

GratefullyDivorcedDad 
Wife was sleeping with multiple men.
Thought I’d never know peace again.
But I got an attorney,
And began a new journey.
Now I’m nearly at Zen.

Nicely encapsulates Leave a cheater, gain a life. 🙂

ChumpsterFire
Ex would take really long poops
In order to text with his Schmoops.
So I found a new bathroom, all mine,
Fully renovated and oh-so-divine.
And it’s her turn now to be duped.

Bathroom sexting is a such a cheater cliche. And points for rhyming poops with Schmoops.

ChumpSaidBuhBye
You continued to lie, sneak, and betray,
and I got sick of the games you would play.
So I gathered my proof,
while acting aloof,
then dumped you on Valentine’s Day!

I hope you delivered the fuck off with a pink teddy bear and bad chocolate.

topshelf
Alas, the problem is you, not me
You simply refuse to agree
“Filling my love bank”
Is not “screwing a skank”
It’s all in the wording, you see!

Points for a limerick that snarks about RIC-isms like the Love Bank. (God that could be its own contest…)

SMS
For a year I begged you to pick
Our family over your dick.
Now you’re stuck on rage
‘Cause I refuse to engage
And don’t give a shit ‘bout the RIC.

Okay, I’m weak for RIC limericks.

FindingBliss
There once was a cheater named Tom,
Whose promises were only a con,
Now thirty years later
A great litigator
Is dropping the ultimate bomb

The litigators will save us.

hollowbunny
She was a fine lass prone to fib,
While she actively supported women’s lib
She liked sucking his dick
It was her only trick
So I sent her knee pads and a bib.

The visuals here, hollowbunny. I need to go scrub my brain now, thanks.

Tyra D.
I married a man named Dwayne
He caused me all kinds of pain
Now he wants to come back
I said, “Hell no, fuck that”
I’ll never be that stupid AGAIN

Tyra, you get points for dumping Dwayne. And because… Dwayne. Could a name be any douchier?

And now….the winners are!

TinaT
Miss Angela was a ‘ho-pair”
With Germanic big tits and blonde hair.
When my spouse (not so smart)
Met this Black Forest tart
And ‘forgot’ that he loved me (NO FAIR!)

They met in a bar in Toronto
Then up to his room to fuck – PRONTO!
With his cute German strudel
Caressing his noodle
My hubby’s not one to hold on to.

TinaT, you get mad props for ho-pair, rhyming Toronto… and destroying all positive strudel associations.

Next winner is….

JJ
Fuck you and your Prince Albert ring
You think you’re a real special thing
Your lovemaking’s shit
Enjoy your new twit
And I’ll take your money — Ka-ching!

You had me at Prince Albert ring, JJ. Not that I want to draw that. I don’t.

Now for the haiku division… Not as many contenders with the haikus. Some great submissions didn’t meet the rhyme syllable scheme and I had to disqualify. (Sorry! But people, there were HUNDREDS of poems!)

The runners up are..

Twitching
The pastor cheated
He left his wife and children
The church still lets him work there

UGH. Jesus cheaters.

pineconeelf
Roses may be red…
But so is your drippy dick
…got gonorrhea?

Gonorrhea is so under represented in haiku. Thank you for this addition.

Ivy_Tech
Your love was the same
as a hollow chocolate
Easter egg; empty.

The Great Chocolate Void. Profound, Ivy_Tech.

Narnia
Lying, cheating drunk
Drooling on my silk cushions
What a prize she won

Narnia, I’m so sorry about your throw pillows. (Talk to PF… cheaters destroying throw pillows is a Thing here. Why? Why must the pillows suffer? Is NOTHING SACRED?!)

Chumpzilla
When you said you were
crazy about me, you were
half-right, you big freak.

Snap!

Still I Rise 
A “one time mistake”
Evidence seems to differ
Text screenshots don’t lie

A whole psychodrama in 17 syllables. Well played.

And the haiku winner is….!

Chumptacular
You have a girlfriend?
You can have a divorce, too.
Consequences, bitch!

Way to be mighty, Chumptacular!

Thank you everyone for playing! And have a wonderful Valentine’s Day!

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Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • On February 10th, stbxh finally admitted that live in gf is 7 months pregnant. Er have 3 kids. He doesn’t pay child support and lives rent free with gf and his parents. How romantic. I will spend the next year finding the perfect rhyme sequence for that. 😉

    • Check out the deadbeat dad laws and regulations in your state. They are all online or ask your attorney. Google cases where its been enforced, they are usually published on your state/areas court websites, fascinating and delightfully enlightening reading by the way, and give copies that apply to your attorney. Most deadbeat laws include jail time if they don’t pay up. …..envisioning deadbeat will have a new relationship as “Bubba’s” girlfriend……. lol

    • I’m having a total podium moment right now. It made me laugh out loud that I won! Thank you Chumplady! Very pleased you’re not drawing it…I’ve seen enough.

      • Chumptacular and JJ, I can’t think of more worthy winners to be runner up to! I really want to send the ‘consequences bitch’ one to the worm I had the misfortune to marry, but somehow I don’t think he’ll see the funny side. Might do after the divorce is over though… along with a box of penicillin.

  • Your Valentine’s Day homework everyone is to check this performance out:

    https://www.facebook.com/joel.wallace.3110/videos/10216063855335372/?hc_ref=ARTaQpIHem8sJjQuKKeoLBTLyiloZdb2Ze2M8VZon_bIk-vooxEiF2LeP1dXjO7gyXc

    I know it’s obnoxious when people try to press you into liking music, like REALLY obnoxious — but YOU NEED THIS. “I Still Have Joy.” This is the concert I saw Sunday night. Someone bootlegged this most amazing performance.

    If this doesn’t move you, and get your butt shaking, you’re dead.

    • Thanks for the link CL- that was a wonderful way to wake up today!

      Also, I want to share something that gave me “joy” on Monday that other chumps might appreciate. It may be “you had to be there” so sorry if it is.

      On Monday, I met with a breast surgeon who told me that I need to have what appears to be a noncancerous lesion in the large milk duct of my breast removed. Non cancerous is pretty good news in itself but she did say that there is still 8% chance that it is cancer or could become cancer so makes since to remove it.

      So I meet with the scheduler and schedule surgery and then head to the check out. The woman at checkout asks if there is a problem with my insurance and I respond, there may be as I going through a divorce and Fuckwit did not follow the rules for keeping me insured. She immediately remembers I had talked to her on the phone about this when I made the appointment. She calls in her supervisor who is very understanding and explains to keep them posted on the insurance status, do not worry, still have the surgery, they will do anything they can to help. I am told I can self pay for Monday, but the clerk has to get a code from the Dr. She leaves and returns and apologizes and tells me the Dr. feels so bad and doesn’t want to charge me. (but she does but I think it is for a lesser visit than she would have normally).

      Clerk also relays that the nurse was furious and saying, he(fuckwit) can’t do that, by law he has to keep you insured until you are divorced. (Fuckwit doesn’t like to follow ruled, those are for lesser people)

      All the while these people are showing such compassion and concern for me and my heart is warming and I am feeling that joy in the song above. My mind wanders and all I can think is: if fuckwit walked through the door of that breast center at that moment, I think a Lynch mob would form and I had visions of wolves attacking their prey.

      Needless to say, I left that unfortunate appointment smiling.

      Lesson: Chump friendly place: the breast center, fuckwits not welcome!

      • FeelingIt, this must confirm your decision to leave your fuckwit when total strangers show more compassion for your situation than someone who once ‘loved’ you. The world is full of good people. Never forget that. Cheers to a healthy future for you!

      • Feelingit,

        And just when you feel nobody gets it…you have these people who voice their concern and call a fuckwit a fuckwit! Hope everything turns out all right for you.
        Footnote to this…I had to keep my “cough/cough” stbx on my insurance and got to hear from one of my kids how he was probably putting roots in the dental chair getting all his crowns redone prior to divorce ( I did not even think of cancelling his coverage but damn if the first phone call after the papers arrived wasn’t my insurance company)
        Again my thoughts and prayers to you for a healthy outcome!

        • I had to keep my ex on my health insurance (and pay for it) all so he could get his monthly Cialis prescription! Later found out that he had started this prescription during marriage…he just forgot to tell me. Happy Valentine’s Day Chump Nation.

      • The fuckwits of the world do not realize the power of the anonymous legions against them. I was divorced and the court order said fuckwit and I were to split orthodontia costs 50-50. The orthodontist’s contract stated that each parent had to assume 100% liability for the expense which makes perfect sense — the orthodontist is not subject to the court order, and could not care less who paid, but needed to be sure both parents were on the hook in the event of collection proceedings. Made perfect sense to me and I signed it. Fuckwit paid his lawyer beaucoup bucks to litigate why he could not sign such a contract (and the orthodontist wouldn’t proceed without both signatures). Meanwhile, the passage of time and growth of the child (remember her?) meant orthodontia might not be a sufficient modality and if not then they would have to break her jaw and reset it.

        OH.MY.GOD.

        But then — of all things — the billing lady at the orthodontist had her own fuckwit experience and she swung into action like a SWAT team in a Clint Eastwood movie. After all his fuckery, shenanigans and legal fees my fuckwit ex ended up paying ……. his half.

        #TheRulesReallyDoApplyToYou

    • Wonderful “Still have Joy”.
      Absolutely moving & inspires all of us I feel.

      Saving video so I can watch in the future when I need
      inspiration. Thank you CL ❤️

  • Those are great congrats! I woke up after a nightmare where I was screeming at stbx and ow infront of the children. Inorder to “bleach my mind” I went into my audible account…. full of depressing self help or cheeses romance. No hope to be found there . Ahhhh headed over to chump lady where yeah snarky self help awaited. Thank you all! Maybe I’ll sleep…full disclosure… after the xanax kicks in

  • Each one of these is a glorious work of art. What a way to kick off (yet another) Singleton Valentines Day! Thanks, ChumpLady and ChumpNation. Xox

  • Those are great!!! A wonderful way to start off Valentines Day. My db asked me to marry him on Valentines Day. While I am happily so much better off (both emotionally and financially, thank you litigators!) it’s still a hard memory. Gotta love those triggers!!!! Every Valentines Day we would play the “would you do it all over again?” game … I no longer have to play that absurd game, to which I say Thank You!!!! Happy Valentines Day chumps!!

  • Oh now I’ve just looked up Prince Albert ring 🙈🙈🙈 And another little piece of my innocence has been taken away. Nightmares tonight.

  • What a way to begin my day!
    Chump Nation at its finest make me feel my mightiest!

    Love the tart Cartoon! And congratlations to the Winners!

  • If you told me ten years ago infidelity would be part of my life story I may not of believed you. If you told me I would learn to laugh about it I would have called you crazy on the spot.

    Thank you to everyone here who has helped me learn to accept my situation and that quite honestly between all of them having the same traits and saying the same damn words and the things they do, it can be absolutely funny in fact, sometimes I laugh so hard at Narkles the Clown I can’t breathe.

    Happy gain a life to everyone in the nation this fine day.

    • AOK –
      It is us who owe you thanks.
      Your unceasing advice to go “No Contact” – the only path forward to “truth and light” – has saved many of us!

  • Wow, my wicked tongue and boiling cauldron of rude snark and sarcasm has a purpose! It’s been 4 years, and she’s moved onto other men, but I still find so much humour in the whole thing. I only wish I could have figured out my original limerick idea wherein she believed cheater’s penis was attached to an ATM. Kudos to Toronto/pronto rhyme, btw, as I fled Toronto pronto when dday happened. Respect. 🙏

    • My ex husband’s slut was named Kim
      She wanted a personal ATM
      He’s such a prick
      He convinced her his dick…
      ..shot hundred’s….if licked at the gym!

  • Such amazing artwork and poetry. I feel lucky to have found Chump Lady and Chump Nation!

    Nevertheless, I ain’t feeling Valentine’s Day. It’s is a day for suckers. Our bodies flood with hormones after a good lay and we think it’s love. Romance is an outdated concept based on giving things to somebody to attempt to keep them from losing interest and wandering off to screw the next human. Other than pairing to raise a child together there is no reason two sane people need ever partner up and cohabitants. Fear of dying alone all dressed up as a holiday is no reason to get excited.

    Happy Valentine’s Day!

    • Doubtless,
      I think that I feel much of your pain over Valentine’s Day. I once read that every day is Valentine’s Day for happy couples–they don’t need a day designated to their situation! If anything, shouldn’t we have a day dedicated to honoring single (partnerless) people?

  • So many laughs, so early in the morning! Chumps, your poems are gems (dare I say sparkly, lol). CL, your comments and “Tarts Uber Alles” are the best. Happy Valentine’s Day, everyone!

  • Many, many thanks to all the poems and the video, a great way to start a day that otherwise would be a crappy reminder to us all of our struggles being chumps.

    I am going to focus on what I’ve gained rather than what was lost. I’m beginning to realize most of it was fake anyway. Hugs and love to all chumps and the people that really love them today!

    • Wildcat,

      I agree. I realized today that this is the first Valentine’s Day in 16 years in which I have been ‘alone’ (partnerless). I realize now that my partners during that time period were probably never truly invested in me anyway. Thus, this is the first ‘authentic’ Valentine’s Day for me in 16 years. I wished one of my homeless clients a happy Valentine’s Day–much more satisfying than knocking myself out for cheaters/liars.

      I wish all my Kindred Spirits here authentic and much happier future Valentine’s Days than Valentine’s Days past with the unappreciative, uncommitted, and fake.

  • My poem writing sent me beserk
    I couldn’t find rhymes to work
    But I was not as mad
    As when I found I’d been had
    By a husband who was a ho fucking jerk

    Ha finally and thank you for making me laugh
    Hugs chump nation

  • This made me laugh so hard that I cried: “Gonorrhea is so under represented in haiku.”

    This on a day when I saw a very large animal climbing a tree and I wondered “Mothman? Bear?”

    • I know! I am in the midst of studying Tang dynasty poems in my Chinese class, and immediately thought, “Nope, haven’t run across gonorrhea in any of them.”

      • Most humbled and delighted at having redressed the global haiku-gonorrhea deficit, which was definitely long overdue. I am hoping to do something similar with genital warts in the near future 😀

      • Chinese poetry…oh my, you are surely well suited to being an academic..I couldn’t focus on that for a full minute without running from the room. Kudos to you for having the patience for that.

        Pineconeelf…yes, you served all of society by righting this wrong.

  • Loved all the poems! There is truly poetry in everything, even pain. It is heartwarming in a bizarre sort of way. Thank you, everyone.

  • Excellent entries, Chump Nation! And fantastic winners, Chump Lady.

    What a great pick me up on a day meant for expressions of love and kindness. The pithy reminders that we win when we leave are all I needed to get me out of a Valentine’s Day pity party.

    I’m better off divorced and alone than married, devalued and duped.

    {{{Hugs to CN!}}}

    • I see your built in haiku. Intentional?

      Divorced and alone
      I’m better off than married,
      Devalued and duped.

      No snark. Just straight to Meh. Congrats.

  • Fantastic work, CN! And, CL, as usual, your judgment and assessment are brilliant.

    This was a fantastic read. Thanks for putting a smile on my face so early this morning. 🙂

  • DEPRAVITY

    From McCavity
    Depravity,s a mystery man, he’s called the hidden sore
    For he’s a great philanderer who can defy the law
    He,s the bafflement of attorneys, the high court judges despair
    For when they think they have him, Depravitys not there

    Depravity, Depravity there’s no one like Depravity
    He’s broken every moral law, he breaks the law of gravity
    His powers of seduction would make Weinstein stare
    But when wife reaches the scene of crime, Depravity was never there

    He’s outwardly respectable, they say he cheats at cards, but his DNA cannot be found on a file at Scotland Yards
    But when the wife’s jewels are looted or the bank account is rifled, or
    When the car is missing or another whore is stifled
    Or when the wife is broken and her mind is past repair
    Aye there’s the wonder of the thing, Depravitys not there

    Apologies chumps I am sure some can amend this much better than me

    Hugsxxx

  • I think of myself as good with words and somewhat creative, but I am not in the same universe as the fabulous and mighty Chumps who wrote this amazing stuff…I bow to you all.

    Perhaps my fav is the poops and schmoops…so beautifully encapsulates the chump experience.

      • You just made me glad that I hardly ever made Cheaterpants dinner (long story involving him sabotaging every effort I ever made to cook so that he could later complain and blame). My new husband cooks me dinner almost every day.

  • Congratulation to the winners!!! I’m feeling sorry for Melania Trump, our 1st lady is also a chump like us. Today is Valentine’s day and her cheater’s betrayal is all over the news, I’m sure she is feeling like crap, embarrassed and humiliated. Lessons learned though, if they will cheat with you then they will cheat on you.

  • Not only are respondents here compassionate but also they are clever! Thank you for the laughs and the love, CN! Your support helps me get through this day–and every other.

  • The gonorrhea haiku has me ROTFLMAO. Last week Two-Legged Rat gave me online access to his insurance account to claim reimbursements for my own expenses (which he hadn’t done in ten years), and the first thing I saw was a bill from his urologist and another for antibiotics and a special cream to treat some STD. And the bills were dated just a couple of days after he came back from his summer vacation. Somebody help me, I can’t stop laughing!
    And congratulations to all the winners and runners up; you made my day!

  • I have my BA in English and I must say to all entrants, and especially our “esteemed” winners… well fucking done 🙂

    Ironically, I was the one to suggest a PA ring to Mr. Sparkles (after seeing some of the Craigslist hookers he searched and their specialties)… part of my early RIC “spice the bedroom up” work. He mocked offense and scoffed at the idea saying that he could never use such a thing. LOL – came to learn later he preferred BJs from Trannies and possibly “pegging”? Ugh… I need to take a shower with a wire brush to my brain.

  • Read this before I got out of bed this morning and it made for a great start to the day!

    Congrats to all the winners and runners up! The wisdom and humor on this site is fantastic. I will have to say I took a screen shot of ChumpsterFire’s entry. Here I thought I had the only cheater that took 40 minute bathroom breaks. Nope they all play from the same book. This made my day!!!

    Happy Valentines day to you CL and CN!

    And Born Free if your reading – Happy Birthday!

    Make it a great cheater free day CN 🙂

  • Omg! “Tarts Uber Alles” That is so awesome! My favorite cartoon yet! The limerick is amazing as well!
    Thank you for cheering me up CL and CN-I had one of those therapy sessions where I walked out pretty bummed (why can’t I let go of the anger and focus on me instead of focusing on how unfair it all is and how much I hate that and fuckwit.) BUT, sitting here in the school pickup line reading these over has lightened my heart a bit. Happy Valentine’s Day!

  • Congratulations to all the winners and runner ups! It was great therapy to read them all and to laugh about our unfortunate circumstances for a moment! We sure are a clever bunch!

    Enjoy your Valentine’s Day!

    Roses are Red
    Violets are Blue
    A lonely V-Day is better than a loser sucking the life out of you!

    • “A lonely V-Day is better than a loser sucking the life out of you” — damn right, kimmy!

      I decided to celebrate my V-Day by working out with some scented candle and dimmed lights. I had endorphins for chocolates 🙂

  • So much fun, and laugh-out-loud moments, on a day where we could easily slip into despair.

    I want a “like” button SO MUCH! Reading both the poems and these comments just made day; I’m so pleased to be a citizen of Chump Nation!

  • For the cheaters to whom we say “See ya!”
    And would like to ship off to Crimea,
    We compose funny verses,
    A great many curses,
    And haiku about gonorrhea.

  • Congratulations, you mighty Chumps for a job well done! I’m still laughing about, “Gonorrhea is so under represented in haiku.”. Too funny Tracy!

  • Love them all. But this one fits my situation to a tee! Well the bathroom isn’t done yet, but it will be!

    ChumpsterFire
    Ex would take really long poops
    In order to text with his Schmoops.
    So I found a new bathroom, all mine,
    Fully renovated and oh-so-divine.
    And it’s her turn now to be duped.

  • Awesome….just awesome. The limericks, haikus, and Tracy’s comments all made me laugh. You know we are strong when we can poke fun at our lives and rise above it.

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