Happy Valentine’s Day, CN! You all made choosing a winner VERY difficult. Hundreds of Infidelity Valentine’s Day submissions! I need a literary editor… or a committee or something. Thanks everyone for playing! The next round of brain bleach is on me!
Now to business… I’ve listed the runner’s up first… and then the winners, first of the limericks, and then the haiku.
You all ROCK, btw. And are very twisted. And snarky. I like that.
In the limerick division…
There once was a doctor I knew
He left and called me a shrew
He fucked a nurse
Then lined her purse
“I walk with Jesus” says her tattoo.
Something about the Jesus cheater tattoo… Permanent ink must make it so. I bet that tattoo is deeper than she is. Geez.
There once was a shy nerd named Woody
Who seemed to be all goody-goody
‘Til the marriage police
Caught him fucking his niece
On the floor with her bum on her hoody
Extra points for rhyming this while literally getting divorced and for the extra ick factor of an OW niece.
The man who seemed honest and tender,
Turned out to be quite a pretender.
His preference for youth
Made me see the truth.
I shipped him out, “Return to Sender”.
Cue Elvis Presley. I can imagine the forehead stamp now…
Still I Rise
Cheater fucked a howorker in his marital bed
Traded a quarter century relationship for disease-ridden head
The marriage vows? SHATTERED
The betrayed wife’s heart? SPLATTERED
Can’t be faithful? DON’T GET WED!!!
Great public service announcement as limerick.
Wife was sleeping with multiple men.
Thought I’d never know peace again.
But I got an attorney,
And began a new journey.
Now I’m nearly at Zen.
Nicely encapsulates Leave a cheater, gain a life.
Ex would take really long poops
In order to text with his Schmoops.
So I found a new bathroom, all mine,
Fully renovated and oh-so-divine.
And it’s her turn now to be duped.
Bathroom sexting is a such a cheater cliche. And points for rhyming poops with Schmoops.
You continued to lie, sneak, and betray,
and I got sick of the games you would play.
So I gathered my proof,
while acting aloof,
then dumped you on Valentine’s Day!
I hope you delivered the fuck off with a pink teddy bear and bad chocolate.
Alas, the problem is you, not me
You simply refuse to agree
“Filling my love bank”
Is not “screwing a skank”
It’s all in the wording, you see!
Points for a limerick that snarks about RIC-isms like the Love Bank. (God that could be its own contest…)
For a year I begged you to pick
Our family over your dick.
Now you’re stuck on rage
‘Cause I refuse to engage
And don’t give a shit ‘bout the RIC.
Okay, I’m weak for RIC limericks.
There once was a cheater named Tom,
Whose promises were only a con,
Now thirty years later
A great litigator
Is dropping the ultimate bomb
The litigators will save us.
She was a fine lass prone to fib,
While she actively supported women’s lib
She liked sucking his dick
It was her only trick
So I sent her knee pads and a bib.
The visuals here, hollowbunny. I need to go scrub my brain now, thanks.
I married a man named Dwayne
He caused me all kinds of pain
Now he wants to come back
I said, “Hell no, fuck that”
I’ll never be that stupid AGAIN
Tyra, you get points for dumping Dwayne. And because… Dwayne. Could a name be any douchier?
And now….the winners are!
Miss Angela was a ‘ho-pair”
With Germanic big tits and blonde hair.
When my spouse (not so smart)
Met this Black Forest tart
And ‘forgot’ that he loved me (NO FAIR!)
They met in a bar in Toronto
Then up to his room to fuck – PRONTO!
With his cute German strudel
Caressing his noodle
My hubby’s not one to hold on to.
TinaT, you get mad props for ho-pair, rhyming Toronto… and destroying all positive strudel associations.
Next winner is….
Fuck you and your Prince Albert ring
You think you’re a real special thing
Your lovemaking’s shit
Enjoy your new twit
And I’ll take your money — Ka-ching!
You had me at Prince Albert ring, JJ. Not that I want to draw that. I don’t.
Now for the haiku division… Not as many contenders with the haikus. Some great submissions didn’t meet the rhyme syllable scheme and I had to disqualify. (Sorry! But people, there were HUNDREDS of poems!)
The runners up are..
The pastor cheated
He left his wife and children
The church still lets him work there
UGH. Jesus cheaters.
Roses may be red…
But so is your drippy dick
Gonorrhea is so under represented in haiku. Thank you for this addition.
Your love was the same
as a hollow chocolate
Easter egg; empty.
The Great Chocolate Void. Profound, Ivy_Tech.
Lying, cheating drunk
Drooling on my silk cushions
What a prize she won
Narnia, I’m so sorry about your throw pillows. (Talk to PF… cheaters destroying throw pillows is a Thing here. Why? Why must the pillows suffer? Is NOTHING SACRED?!)
When you said you were
crazy about me, you were
half-right, you big freak.
Still I Rise
A “one time mistake”
Evidence seems to differ
Text screenshots don’t lie
A whole psychodrama in 17 syllables. Well played.
And the haiku winner is….!
You have a girlfriend?
You can have a divorce, too.
Way to be mighty, Chumptacular!
Thank you everyone for playing! And have a wonderful Valentine’s Day!