Stay in Touch

Check out CL's Book

Time Again for Infidelity Valentines!

Happy February, chumps! It’s nearly Valentine’s Day, or as people have been known to call it “Single Awareness Day.” If you’re feeling a bit adrift with all the mylar heart balloons and syrupy sentiment out there…. consider snark!

Yes, it’s time once again for our Infidelity Valentine’s Day Contest where we remember the less fortunate — the poor sods that wound up with our exes — and immortalize them in verse.

So send me a poem! Just like previous year’s contests, I’m looking for either a haiku or a limerick that encapsulates your cheater experience. The winners get inscribed copies of my book (I’ll ship anywhere). I will announce the winner on Valentine’s Day and draw some accompanying cartoons. So hey, the day isn’t a total waste, right?

To recap from 8th grade English, a haiku is a poem with 5-7-5 syllables.

I love you but I’m…
Christ, you are such a cliche
…not in love with you.

A limerick is a 5 line poem with a rhyme scheme of AABBA.

There once was a mistress named Kay
Who was a better liar than a lay
She had HPV
And now it’s with me
My husband’s clap conveys

Check the archives for past chump cleverness. We have some real snarky gems. You’ll also note I drew a new cartoon for the contest this year. (Because who can resist stabbing Cupid?)

Please no lugubrious long-form verse — keep it bitter, funny, and short. (Yes, I said bitter. As in acerbic. As in take-this-Valentine-and-shove-it.)

You have until February 12 to send submissions!

TGIF!

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at [email protected]. Read more about submission guidelines.

  • There was once a cheat named Paul
    Who had no morals at all
    Old, fat or thin
    They were kibbles for him
    Now his marriage has gone to the wall

    • There once was a wife called Claire
      Who thought riding her boss was quite fair
      She got caught in the act
      Then pregnant so he was trapped
      5 years on I’m at meh

    • There once was a boy named Tony
      Who moved in with my dear family
      I was deployed
      And really annoyed
      On him, my wife spent all of my money

    • There once was a doctor I knew
      He left and called me a shrew
      He fucked a nurse
      Then lined her purse
      “I walk with Jesus” says her tattoo.

      • My husband was a nerd.
        Do MMA fighting he heard!
        He got real tough.
        He fucked her stuff.
        Now she is stuck with a turd.

    • This is my first post, so I wasn’t sure if putting it as a reply was correct, but here goes:

      Miss Angela was a ‘ho-pair”
      With Germanic big tits and blonde hair.
      When my spouse (not so smart)
      Met this Black Forest tart
      And ‘forgot’ that he loved me (NO FAIR!)

      They met in a bar in Toronto
      Then up to his room to fuck – PRONTO!
      With his cute German strudel
      Caressing his noodle
      My hubby’s not one to hold on to.

    • Sparkly balls going prancing in the night
      Howorkers duties added to his delight
      Fuck a few, fuck a friend
      Fuck you Sparkly, this is the end
      Sweet heart’s disappointment and I finally saw the light
      Got a bulldog lawyer to fuck him over just right

  • Covert narcissists
    Have no personality
    They can call their own

    The better I know
    Your personality was
    a mask that you wore

    You said you don’t know
    The missed red flags became gifts
    Bet you still don’t know

  • This is a very fitting contest for me today. Divorce court at 10 am, new life at 11.

    There once was a co-ed niece
    Who became her uncle’s next piece
    This caused marriage trouble
    But Unc’s troubles will double
    If slutniece ever calls the police

    Limericks for me are like chips or pretzels. Can’t stop at one.

    There once was a man forty-nine
    Who thought his teen niece very fine
    They fucked and they texted
    Until auntie objected
    And signed on the dotted line

      • Tracy, thank you for responding! This made my day. The judge will be telling me to wipe the smile off my face.

        • Yaaass!! So happy for you, Mehtamorphosis! Wishing you all the courage to do and say what you need to today, but the courage to also keep that supreme happiness under wraps just until you turn around to walk out of the courtroom or chambers. Then you’re all: ????????????

          You totally deserve this!! (((Hugs!)))

          • Clear, you motivated me to write two more today on the plane back home from divorce court.

            There once was a shy nerd named Woody
            Who seemed to be all goody-goody
            ‘Til the marriage police
            Caught him fucking his niece
            On the floor with her bum on her hoody

            There once was a man with a wife
            Who discovered his secret life
            Of fucking their niece
            And their close friend Denise*
            Whose husband just sharpened his knife

            *Her real name has been changed to protect the guilty. And rhyme. But her sister is named Denise. Really!

            Okay, I will stop now. Maybe.

            • Meh,
              Congratulations!!! Can’t wait till the day I can post, free at last!!

              My god, his niece!! These freaks are a never ending pile of shit!!

              Thank god you are rid of the child molester!! What about her parents?

      • Smoke and mirrors

        There once was a woman blinded by smoke
        Thinking the haze from red flags burning was an illusion of hope
        Once she awoke and saw the illusion was broke
        She saw in the mirror a picture of hope

        Seeing clearly/finally

    • “Divorce court at 10 am, new life at 11.”
      Yay!
      Its a great day for moving forward.

    • Meh,
      You are my hero, Mighty Mehtamorphosis! May all go your way today in court. So happy for you! Thank you for sharing your journey with us.. .a high tide raises all boats, even my leaky dinghy! ????????

    • YAY!!!!!! I’m so glad it’s finally Freedom Day! No worries, the judge will love the smile. **high five**

      • Thanks, Beth. Here’s one inspired by you!

        Here at the Nation of Chumps
        We’re all spouses of dog turds and rumps
        We dance and we spackle
        As our rat bastards cackle
        ‘Til we dump them and claim our fist bumps

        • That’s awesome!! Love you girl. Wishing you the best of everything in this new chapter. And if you ever get back my way, we’ll have another dinner to celebrate your freedom. ????????????

        • That one is especially wonderful. I thought I was the only person in the world who used the phrase rat bastard so I especially loved it! Well done, you are an inspiration.

      • Congratulations, Meh, on a new beginning.
        Taking out the trash always feels so good.

    • I second (third, fourth, or whatever we’re up to) the congratulations!

      And…HOLY SH*T! This guy fooled around with his teenage NIECE? (Or your niece?). Eww! How disgusting! I’m so sorry for you.

      Every time I think I’ve heard the worst, most depraved crap a cheater can do, something else comes along.

    • Great for you! What a douche-bag-a teenage niece. Have a great day! Hope you get everything you want!

      • As a chump I have to say affair partners are terrible turds but if the uncle is a child molester there is a whole grooming aspect etc that makes this situation different than others on chump nation.

    • This is the first chance I have had to read today! I am so happy for you!!! So mighty!

    • The uncle poem… I’m assuming here that the Niece was a legal adult otherwise this might not be cheating and more abuse?

  • Now that that mask that you wore
    was removed and was thrown on the floor
    Now I’m aware
    and you’re out of my hair
    I’m quite glad that you’re off with that whore

  • It doesn’t fit the format requirements, so I’ll forfeit the chance at a prize, but I like it…

    (Apologies in advance to whoever penned the old rhyme about Lizzie Borden)

    Kunty Kibbler shafted me,
    Gave her twat to RPD,
    And when she saw she’d made him cum,
    Shoved a dildo up his bum.

    • I love the Lizzie Borden rhyme scheme! And so appropriate. “Forty whacks!” I think Tracy should let us use this rhyme scheme and rhythm, too.

    • Hey UX, maybe this makes it a legit limerick:

      Kunty Kibbler shafted me,
      Gave her twat to RPD,
      And when she saw she’d made him cum,
      Shoved a dildo up his bum.

      And yelled, it’s always about me!

    • Hey UX, maybe this makes it a legit limerick:

      Kunty Kibbler shafted me,
      Gave her twat to RPD,
      And when she saw she’d made him cum,
      Shoved a dildo up his bum.

      Hurry up, there’s another man coming at three!

    • That made me laugh out loud, OneDaySomeDay.

      God, I’m so fortunate to have found you all! Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!

    • Second verse…

      Mindfuck channel stuck on rage,
      Selfies rule her Facebook page,
      Divorce tattoo on her shoulder,
      Thinks it stops her getting older.

      • I think you are still stuck on your X wife.
        There are millions of women out there who are prettier, cleaner, kinder and more honest than this whore.

        Stop wasting your time on this website and get out there and live, man!!!

        You’re wasting your precious life. There is no prize for being witty and clever on this blog. It is time suck after it serves its purpose as a triage unit after discovery.

        You are Obsessed. Get off the computer and get out there in the real world. Stop living in the past. As a man who is not a mutant( it seems) – You will have women throwing themselves at you.

        • “I think you’re still stuck on your X wife” said no one on this blog ever! (who knows UXworld and actually has a clue) Perhaps you should buy one Kennedy!

          Most of the folks who contribute to this blog after the “initial triage” do so to help the newly anointed chumps who feel like they’re completely alone. Lucky for all of us UXworld is one of those people so you should probably know that before you go running your mouth….or are you still mad that someone dropped a house on your sister?

      • Love this UX . Yeah, the new 60 is fourty. It’s all good. But if you know the Limited there are are parts well beyond their years;; all parts aren’t equal. Just My’s Opinion. You knows what I means!

  • Four score and four years ago
    My liberation came don’t ya know
    Nancy so special she blew
    After seeing her I knew
    At best his supply required a feeding trough.

  • The pastor cheated
    He left his wife and children
    The church still lets him work there

  • Verse 2…..

    Now Paul thought it great fun to lie
    When looking his wife in the eye
    It was duper’s delight
    And watching her plight
    Pure cake until she said……bye!

    Happy Friday everyone!

  • Had not realised my Tuesday had come
    Once upon a time I was really quite glum
    rrom your financial misuse
    and the gaslighting abuse
    Look at the awesome life I’ve begun

  • There was a young cheater from Kent
    Who’s thing was long, thin and bent
    One night in a muddle
    He put it in double
    And instead of c*ming, he went

  • For your choosing delight:

    Sex in cars is fun
    For you. I cried and got a
    Full STD screen.

    My ex husband was totally feckless,
    But with his pecker grossly reckless.
    So nasty to tell, much worse to smell (!)
    So I ran away pell mell.

    He told me he loved me forever,
    And nothing would change it, no never,
    Oddly enough, five mistresses can,
    And now I’ve a lawyer and no man.

    All of his moves were a trope,
    The unoriginal dope.
    His women agree: he’ll leave me! they’ll see,
    But in the end I had to flee.

    Ok I think I’m done now.

    • One for each category:

      In the dark of night
      I lay awake in my fear
      Wond’ring where you’ve been

      and

      Beware stout old surgeon so sick
      Country charmer but truly a prick
      Craigslisters he’d bone
      Often played all alone
      Til one day he broke his own dick
      (true story)

  • On our wedding day
    I travel the the world forging
    better memories

    You don’t know who you are
    A man, a mouse, or a car
    The fortunate thing …
    is it’s her problem
    I don’t want to know who you are

  • You set my life on fire in March and pushed me out to sea
    My mind bobbed wildly against the waves
    Ablaze, but strangely free

    I patted flames and held them back
    But the fire raged on in me
    Consumed me still for months beyond
    Despite the stormy sea.

    The sense of calm, mistook for pain
    I then recognised and knew
    My mind was fine, the pain you gave was really meant for you.

    I’m just hot and you know it.

  • If you encounter him on a first date
    Beware, he will spew out such hate
    You’ll empathize with his short Cummings
    Who uses an micro stick dick for bait?

  • What do you call a…
    Grad student who fucks her prof?
    One dumb cock-sucker.

    What do you call a…
    Prof and ho who fuck with me?
    My dumb bitches now.

  • The man who seemed honest and tender,
    Turned out to be quite a pretender.
    His preference for youth
    Made me see the truth.
    I shipped him out, “Return to Sender”.

  • ” Infidelity Valentines” and keep it bitter”
    Where on this whole wide earth ???? can a Chump wake up, click on to CL and immediately get a heart lift feeling to their day?!?
    And THE CARTOONS, you don’t even get them at the movies any more ( replaced with turn off your cell phone clips)!

    Thank YOU, CL, for making life bearable!
    Your’re the best!

  • A dumbass with no self control
    Who banged anything with a hole
    Took me as his wife,
    Made chaos my life,
    Then I left the mis’rable troll.

  • If ever you’re faced with a cheater,
    Please know, your life could be much sweeter.
    Just leave — gain a life!
    You’ll find much less strife
    And gain a refined BS meter!

    Ok, that’s three, I’ll stop. (I ???? limericks!)

  • My ex is a bit of a bitch.
    Stranger’s beds she liked to switch
    I may be a chump
    But I know how to fake pump
    Get outa my life you witch

  • There once was a skanky chump named Mylinda
    Who cured her broken heart with my dear mistah
    Over and over he told her “Leave me alone”
    But she wouldn’t give up, she wanted to bone
    She won turd number two and lots of bad karma

      • Thank you Blee! I can’t believe 27 years has been shattered by a fellow CHUMP! Who could do this to someone after living through it yourself? A soulless whore, I guess. 🙁

        • Crushed Chump,

          You are not alone. My last boyfriend, fellow Chump, who I thought was my friend for decades, coldly dscarded me for the last time for his work subordinate.

          Sending you hugs.

          • Thank you for the hugs RockStarWife. I am so sorry it happened to you too! Sending you hugs right back! XOXOXOX

        • Happened to me, too. I got left for a fellow chump. Pretty sure she’ll figure out he’s not exactly who he portrays himself to be. They deserve each other.

          • I am so sorry 2old4drama! I wish it hadn’t also happened to you. I just don’t understand how another chump could put someone through this. She told us how devastated she and her daughter were. But then she told my husband she did not care who she hurt, she was going to be selfish. Uh, yah. The indescribable pain, despair, and shattered heart and soul I have right now I would not wish on anyone on this planet, not even her.

        • Mine was a chump or so I thought. His first wife left him for s/o else & he swore ho could never do that to anyone. Well 20 years later (prob less) he did. I think he secretly admired her for being able to use & discard people. He learned well.

  • There once was a man with no friends
    ‘Cept the ladies with whom he pretends
    He had quite a pout
    When I kicked his ass out
    And his cake eating came to an end

  • I know you wanted bitter, CL, but not feeling that today.

    These two guys named Rhys and Mac
    each turned a part of my heart black
    but with my fiance Ben
    I’ve been smiling again
    And the light seems to have come back

  • Down the wedding aisle we strode
    Our future rosy and bold
    Little did I know
    He had a scank in tow
    Cheater’s wedding vows behold.

  • He won’t cheat on me, said she.
    As she awakes each day drenched in his pee
    The covert is so cleverly sly
    Moved her close to his old supply
    Alway, honey you’re one out of three.

  • Lord Fuckwit went in search of the moon
    He found a star and made her swoon
    Then he thought with his Penis
    And found a new Venus
    But it was really a wrinkled old prune

  • And one more…

    I married a man named Richard
    Whose brains couldn’t half fill a pitcher
    When I found all the pics
    He became my ex, Dick
    Losing him has made me so much richer

    • There was a cuntfucker named Earl
      Decided on an intelligent and lovely girl
      As the years went by he gave Donna, Karen, Linda, Sharon, and many others a try
      After all he was a serial cheating, pathological lying, drug addicted alcoholic, porn addicted, sociopathic kinda guy
      Pathetically at sixty he’s with the one that would make any man hurl.

      • Swap out shopping and food for drugs and alcohol and you’ve got my ex. And he just turned 60 too. They certainly don’t get better with age.

  • My ex was screwing a whore
    Then I showed him the door

    Whore died few months ago
    He didnt even feel low

    Woman he’s with now thinks she won a prize
    Hopefully she soon becomes wise

  • James Bond: “It really is tragic that two people who love each other so much can’t work it out.”

  • I once thought I had a good guy
    For years on our marriage did try
    Found out I was duped
    So I flew the coop
    May his dick forever stay dry

  • There once was a Ho named Heather
    Who thought she did everything better
    She saw my wasband and really quite liked him
    And now they’ve left me, thankfully, free

  • Asshole stole my money, ideas, writing and art
    To sate the greed of his untalented fart
    Who faked authenticity but was so rotten inside
    That readers detected her stink and her lies
    Only one of us has talent, honor and a good heart.

  • Cheater fucked a howorker in his marital bed
    Traded a quarter century relationship for disease-ridden head
    The marriage vows? SHATTERED
    The betrayed wife’s heart? SPLATTERED
    Can’t be faithful? DON’T GET WED!!!

  • Wife was sleeping with multiple men.
    Thought I’d never know peace again.
    But I got an attorney,
    And began a new journey.
    Now I’m nearly at Zen.

  • When you left there was this massive space
    A hole of once again being replaced
    Without your limitations I finally knew
    By setting boundaries and taking care of myself I grew
    Doingme took your place.

  • There once was a tart named Donna,
    My husband, he fell right upon her!
    She was really quite low
    That dirty old ho,
    I really can’t see how he’d wanna!

  • His days once ended
    Wife and child at home each night
    Now roaches await

    —–

    Annual bonus!
    Settlement says I get half!
    “It’s not fair!!” waah waah

    —–

    There once was a cheater so sly
    To his wife he often would lie
    “I’m just spending my time with a friend!
    To ski, camp, and sail should not offend!”
    Um, yeah, he was boinking the guy.

    He covered his crimes

  • There once lived a cheater named Paul
    Who thought he could easily have all
    His wife crafted a plan
    To ruin that man
    Now he looks at his paycheck and bawls

  • ha ha …. perhaps our two guys can meet and commiserate!! But mine will hit on yours!!

  • Ex would take really long poops
    In order to text with his Schmoops.
    So I found a new bathroom, all mine,
    Fully renovated and oh-so-divine.
    And it’s her turn now to be duped.

    • Bwahaha, rhyming poops with Schmoops is brilliant. They all pull this bathroom texting crap, right?

    • So great!!! yeah, the bathroom texting was out of control. I wanted to barge in there a few times – thank God I don’t have to worry about that now.

    • OMG. Mine did this tooo… i thought this odd in the middle of the day! And why do you need your phone to poop? You cant do more than one thing at a time anyway…… love reading all of these!

  • I actually upped the game and went with song lyrics ALA Patsy Cline.
    I changed the lyrics to She’s Got You;

    She called him Pookie
    I call him Worm
    He said she’s just a friend
    He’s lying and it’s confirmed
    The only think different
    The only thing new
    I’ve found my joy again
    She’s got you

    • That should be the only THING different, not think. I hate spellcheck sometimes…

  • DD is really upset
    You haven’t shown any respect
    Introducing the HO
    Has been a big blow
    And I had no idea to suspect

  • There once was a cunt named Renee
    Who would do anything for a lay
    She went after my Eddie
    In her sluttiest teddy
    Dickwad thought I would beg him to stay

  • There once was a stripper named Brandi
    And Mercedes, Jewel and Candi
    It was great while he was employed
    But they’re probably quite annoyed
    Now that cash isn’t quite so handy

  • There once was a Borderline cheater
    Nothing better to her than strange peter
    Spent all of her days
    Chasing sexual praise
    And now her husband don’t need her

  • The marriage vows that we spoke,
    He decided were just a joke.
    The coworker was easy,
    He was super sleazy,
    From the denial, I finally awoke.

  • A lesson for you gals out there
    Whose husbands buy cute underwear
    Take a look at his phone
    He’s not so alone
    Cum shot videos are being emailed somewhere

  • Haiku is tough- good brain work. A meek attempt.

    A two sided tale
    You will never know my side
    Catch me a lyin’

  • Limerick:

    Beware the sad cheater named Chuck
    Cyber-prowling for someone to f*ck
    ‘Cause the hemorrhoidal joys
    Of his anal sex toys
    Leave him feeling so down on his luck.

    • Oh my! Is that real? You can get hemorrhoids a from anal sex toys/anal sex? Mine had some serious issues with that and I know he was advertising on Craigslist as bi for couples/group meet ups but claims there was never intercourse.

      • Honestly, I really don’t know! I was taking creative license in writing my bitter limerick, and coming up with the phrase “hemorrhoidal joys” made me laugh a lot.

        The only thing I know about anal sex/toys is that my cheater had a strange collection focused on that area of the body. (Is that, uh, normal for a supposedly heterosexual guy?) It’s not really something I want to research more.

  • Hummm….

    Well you treated your husband like shit
    So you could go and fuck special dick
    Now your schemes have been caught
    But your shame is at nought
    Pretty soon you’ll get fucking zip

    So you though put yourself so fucking special
    So left for him leaving only a message
    But woe upon woe
    He thought you a hoe
    So stayed with his wife and her nest egg

    With lying and cheating you got caught
    Now your life is incredibly fraught
    Once mammy gets to know
    Her daughters’ a hoe
    Your bullshit will have all been for nought

    Only one more….honest

    You once thought yourself oh so special
    That you fucked family over for kibbles
    So with family blown apart
    You’re now stuck at the start
    Of a life of moronic expression

  • There once was a Cheater who texted
    Two skanks who also just sexted
    When caught said “we are just friends “
    But chumps know this crap never ends
    And then had enough and felt vexed

    Found a great lawyer and filed
    Soon the paperwork piled
    But no contact is the truth and the light
    Their lies are just not worth the fight
    No longer will this chump be defiled!

    A cheater just wants to have cake
    They have nothing to give, they just take
    Children and spouses don’t matter,
    The love that you gave was just batter
    To make them more kibbles and bake!

  • Here we go…….

    In our marriage he tried to pretend
    With his lover the truth he did bend
    With some texts that werent’t mine
    He said he liked doing her from behind
    Now I’m praying she gets his in the “end”!

      • Winddrinker,
        I heard the same bs!!:

        I don’t bother anyone
        I don’t drink or smoke
        I don’t go to bars
        I haven’t been to prison
        I’m successful with my business

        I made a blunder, you just can’t forgive!!

  • Wasted youth and love
    A serial-cheating douche
    Great peace and calm now

    And/or

    Dreams I thought were “ours”
    Were always only my own
    Finally free – jump!

    And

    A cheating douche thought he was awesome
    No cares when he walked out the door
    No family, now broke, and in jail; what a joke
    Just married a sex addict whore

    • BTW – the douche really ended up in jail, three felonies, bankrupt, and actually did marry a known sex addict ho, who has a penchant for screwing as many married or single guys that she can. Really picked a winner. I can only wish them ALL the happiness that they both DESERVE. ????????

  • There once was a cheater named Terry
    who thought ho-worker was quite the fairy
    Karma will come
    When she gets his a bum
    Go glad not you did I marry.

    Ah! Blessed relief!
    Like from a bowel movement
    I felt when you left

  • There once was a cheater named Terry
    who thought ho-worker was quite the fairy
    Karma will come
    When she gets he’s a bum
    Go glad not you did I marry.

    dammit, 2old, proofread!

  • You continued to lie, sneak, and betray,
    and I got sick of the games you would play.
    So I gathered my proof,
    while acting aloof,
    then dumped you on Valentine’s Day!

  • Forty years did I give to that man,
    And loved him with all that I am.
    Yet with Schmoopie he cheated,
    But I’m NOT defeated,
    I’m FREE! And they can pound sand.

  • There once was a chronic cheater named Gord
    He met a new ho, oh Lord
    When the ex- wives started talking
    It was all very shocking
    And now his exciting life, he can’t afford

  • In February a heart felt Valentine
    Love you Nancy for keeping me in line
    In March as spring sports a grudge
    Limerence gives him a nudge
    With April’s fantasy he shares wine.

  • You thought I would get over all the strife,
    and told me I was lucky to be your wife.
    Instead, I sent your cheating ass packing,
    made sure your finances will be lacking,
    because your spousal maintenance is for life!

  • Old Blee, he thought he was smitten
    His ex he thought was a kitten
    She lied and deceived
    And did as she pleased
    Now Blee has been twice bitten

  • I apologize in advance, horrible at Poems, etc. so not competing.

    But today is a big day for me, My son’s College commencement ceremony is today.
    And he did not want Jackass there, didn’t invite him, and forbid me from inviting him.
    Last my son saw him was about 2 yrs ago when (“it was killing him, and he had to tell him”) that he was so so in luuuuurve with OW, and my son said – I want nothing to do with any of that. and that was the end of their relationship. My daughter and I will be driving him to his new place and new job tomorrow in Chicago.

    It’s a good day!

    • Ahh that’s wonderful….. congratulations to your son, Mighty Again. Sounds like you have wonderful children who adore you ????

    • Congratulations to your son on his graduation and the start of his new life! Congratulations to you for raising great kids who get it. 🙂

    • Mighty again !!
      Congratulations!! Sounds like you have an amazing son!! Good for him!!!

  • You smelled so damn good.
    Liar cheater deceptive man.
    Your character stinks.

    **

    She’s just an ‘old friend’
    That you speak longingly to.
    Oh no you do not.

    **

    There lives a narc named Oskar
    Who uses women to prosper.
    He picked the wrong one,
    P said this is not fun.
    She kicked his ass to the curb
    and he lost her.

  • Cursed your very existence as I did vent
    I wanted to give you shoes of cement,
    A narc who made us feel crappy,
    but that you are gone we are all quite happy
    and you’re living in your parent’s basement.

  • Red flags galore
    I chose to ignore
    Spackled like hell
    Til I was not well
    Now cheater, you’re out the door

  • From me did the sad asshole mooch
    While screwing her rotten old cooch
    Now they’ve got each other
    Love bombs he will smother
    For me, I’ve got my faithful pooch

  • I’m not excited about Valentine’s day coming. I never asked my cheater what her affair partners gave her for Valentines. She was full throttle in her indiscretions during Valentine’s day. She told me one of the reasons she cheated was because I always buy her red roses, she said red roses are a thoughtless boring gift. There are thousands of other arrangements and you always get me stupid boring thoughtless RED ROSES!!!!!!

    I guess this year I will give her boring, thoughtless, stupid red roses, and I will get them from Walmart. I will find the most beat up, drooping, dying, sad looking bouquet of red roses at Walmart I can find.

    • Good God, TX Dude.

      Although my ex-husband used to send me flowers shortly after he abused me and my ex-boyfriend got them for me (I think out of a sense of obligation the first Valentine’s Day as a couple, He discarded me (for the first time) the following week Even considering the association between roses and fairly recent events, I would be DELIGHTED to receive red roses–or any roses–or any flowers for that matter! Better off sending those red roses to a convalescent home or your OWN sacred space which will not be invaded by this ingrate of a spouse.

      • Wow TXDude!!

        What a spoilt, self-centred and entitled princess she must have been. Who says that? So cruel. Of course you bought red roses that is the symbol of love on Valentines Day. Please don’t let that stop you in future. Speaking for myself and all women I know we love receiving red roses….all flowers.

        Sending hugs ????

    • Tx dude,
      That is heartbreaking! What a cruel, cold-hearted thing to say! I’m so very sorry.

      Please know there are many women who love red roses and love to receive them!!

      Don’t let her damage your loving spirit!!!!

      Seeing clearly

  • Your betrayal to me and your daughters stabbed us in the heart like a knife
    When you decided to fuck the upstair’s neighbor’s wife
    She was our family photographer and friend
    No take backs I said in the end
    She can have unemployed balding ex in her life!

      • Thank you. The toughest part is co-parenting. I actually feel very fortunate when I see some of the stories on here. I’m happier and healthier since I got rid of my ex. Amazing that Life Part II can be so much better.

  • There was once a man named Hank,
    Whose sad penis needed a yank,
    He left his lovely wife Debbie
    For a ho-worker named Debbie,
    Surely, this must be a prank!

  • Pro hookers aren’t cheap
    Will she fix your new problems?
    Like your DUI?

    (STBX recently confirmed the wisdom of my getting rid of him by crashing his car during an alcoholic blackout and waking up in jail. So glad nobody got hurt but a freeway wall!)

    • Hey Chickynot, the ex I used to be married to confirmed this same wisdom with a big car crash. Two smashed up cars in one week. A month in the hospital. Wheelchair and crutches. Broken back.

      I’m so glad we both got free. I believe I saved my life and my sanity by divorcing him.

      • Wow, a month in the hospital. They are walking disasters, aren’t they? Enjoy your new peaceful life!

  • Sniffing out a cheater,
    Will burn a hole in the Ole olfactometer.
    Covering the stench of deceit with perfume and flowers.
    Are you wondering about those odd mid-day showers ?
    Living a double life requires careful teeter

  • Alas, the problem is you, not me
    You simply refuse to agree
    “Filling my love bank”
    Is not “screwing a skank”
    It’s all in the wording, you see!

  • So you’re engaged to your yoga camp troll,
    Gave me divorce papers, you’re on a roll.
    Then you lied in court,
    The judge caught you short,
    Now my divorce you’re going to bankroll.

  • There once was a howorker ‘EA’
    Or so my gas lighting STBX did say
    But when I did snoop
    That turned out to be poop
    Now I’ve flown the coop Hooray

  • There once was a ‘mad’ howorker
    Who had a passionate ‘EA’ with an old porn lurker
    Her too strong perfume
    Polluted my bedroom
    Yet when I queried it he went berserker

  • When I was young and
    beautiful you stalked me well
    I fell for it, sigh

    I married you then
    you called me tender names like
    Putrid Putrina

    You choked me, hit me
    raged that you were King and like
    Paha Sapa god

    Our children are sad
    Kicked, punched, terrorized and mocked
    My heirlooms broken

    You killed our dear pets
    and collected Asian girls
    among other things

    (for my mom)

    • Oh my! I’m so sorry you had Tobago through all that!!!! That’s unimaginable. ((((((HUGS)))))))

    • Wildflower,
      Dear god, I’m so very sorry! Killed your pets – my heart breaks for you and your children!!!

      My Stbx has a thing for collecting Asian girls as well! He has a very sick, twisted logic on why he does that!!

  • There once was a narc who caused strife
    Using rage, charm and sadz on his pick me dancing wife
    Then she found him flirting in emails
    Again, with single females
    she finally left that cheater and now has a better life.

  • Anastasiadate he used with aplomb,
    To our marriage it was a bomb,
    Now I’m getting laid,
    And soon I’ll get paid,
    Don’t mess with this arse kicking fraum.

  • I’ll pay you with my hard-earned money
    While you run like the wind to your honey
    Your skanky, fake whore
    But it’s you I abhor
    My days are now calm and quite sunny.

  • For a year I begged you to pick
    Our family over your dick.
    Now you’re stuck on rage
    ‘Cause I refuse to engage
    And don’t give a shit ‘bout the RIC.

  • The greatest dupe of all
    Was snagging him to call
    Kibbles are like raindrops
    Or a work horses poop plops
    Her needs: an umbrella and rubber boots for the fall.

  • She’s welcome to you, you big slob
    Taking care of you is her new job
    You were lousy in bed
    I used to feel dread
    I’m happy with my new “boyfriend” bob

  • There once was a fuckwit named Mark,
    Who thought he caused quite a large spark
    But his deceptive ways and whoring plays
    Revealed his soul lived in the dark.

    Now a nice girl named CheaterDefeater
    Believed Mark was quite a nice greeter
    Until craigslist ad hos and internet blows
    Revealed Mark was a FUCKING DICK. The end.

  • There once was a manchild in blue trousers
    who left open his internet browsers
    His wife she did peep
    and said – god, what a creep –
    and get the #$*? out of my house(rs)

  • These aren’t great, but they are great therapy, I think we should do this everyday!

    Rose are red
    violets are blue
    losing half my pension
    was worth it
    to rid myself of you
    _________________
    There once was a narc name Mike
    Who thought any whore was nice
    He took one on a cruise
    Then found out about the divorce blues
    Now his ex is living a wonderful life!

    _______________________
    There once was a crazy man
    who couldn’t control his pants
    they fell to any whore
    until his wife said no more
    now he lives alone, the end
    _________________________
    There once was a horrible man
    who thought the world revolved around him
    his wife finally woke up
    now his world is screwed up
    and she lives in peace with a new husband

    that felt good! i was just crying as i am dealing with filling out the QDRO and lose half my pension to a lying, cheating, abusive jerk, this made it better.

  • VD wishes for Fuckwit, my ex
    Who had insatiable urges to have sex.
    Plagued with nasty itches
    To fuck random bitches.
    I hope it burns as he writes out my checks!

  • You took your micro penis
    And shared it with a whore
    She wanted to have your baby
    You said “no way, no more!”
    She went on a trip and left you all alone
    You thought that was love
    You dumbass, go home!
    She looks like a man
    Damn, what were you thinking?
    Think of your children
    The next time you want to go skanking.

  • Her tits are so a saggin
    It’s not that I’m a braggin
    Thought you were her knight
    Damn you’re not to bright
    You were in fact the fire breathing dragon.

  • My X pretended he loved me
    and that he put no one above me.
    Thirty years up in smoke,
    it is really no joke.
    but mighty definitely becomes me.

  • Happy Valentine’s day, here is the petition for divorce. Find your cheating ass someplace else to sleep.

    That was the Valentine i sent to my ex for Valentine’s Day 2014.

  • Thought you were a gem
    Now that I know the real you
    …I’d rather have Trump!

    When you came home drunk
    I found a mistress on your phone, you punk
    Thought my life was through
    But it was the best thing ever losing you
    Now I have a REAL hunk

    A cunning, manipulative crafter
    You stole my light and laughter…
    But real love IS found on the other side
    Joy is a never ebbing tide
    My life is so amazing after

    And a Cinquain, ya know, for good measure. Why not?

    Narc
    Lame, Drunk
    Lying, Cheating, Scheming
    You’re a dick
    Scumbag

  • Hey, it’s all good now,
    You’re gone, I’ve got the house, and
    No one had to die! ????

  • There once was a slut in my house,
    Did nothing but eat cake and grouse,
    But pick-me-dance no more,
    I showed her the door,
    Done with the town bike that’s a souse.

  • I was once married to a man named Jon
    Who I now know is a con
    He cheated, lied and hid money
    Divorce granted January 9, so now I’m free
    To get to meh and move on!

    Thanks Chump Nation! Whaddyaknow? January 9 fell on a Tuesday! After 2+ years of wrangling, I’m finally free????????

  • There once was a man from Laos
    Who could not stay faithful to one spouse
    He’s found his “true love” in a crazy
    Who just had her seventh baby
    and I’ve achieved “meh” all the same 🙂

  • There once was a Cheat who banged Skank
    Together they lied and they drank
    Though her thighs were thick, they attracted his dick
    I am free now, and have Skank to Thank

  • Manipulation should be taught in school
    To think that I once was your fool
    You really seemed nice
    I should have thought twice
    Seems my heart couldn’t fathom your cruel

  • There once was a porn addict
    Who just liked to play act.
    Once I caught on
    I was all but gone
    Now he can have fun permanently stroking his own little ding dong

  • My stbx kept me out of the loop,
    She has IBS, and her panties she does poop
    When she’s mad she calls me a fucking wussy,
    When she’s horny she screams Super Pussy
    I calmly reply, “I’ll have the soup.”

  • I had to sit and contribute something even if just to make myself feel better.
    Not exactly poetic but still… (it’s 2 verses)

    A cheater called Joe had two hoes in toe,
    Lied to my face and felt no disgrace,
    Abandoned his kids, to get his quick hits,
    From Ben Wa balls, skunk, and tiny spunk covered tits…

    Used my hard earned money,
    To escape with his honeys,
    Both times to Berlin and guesting at weddings,
    He stole my shoes to give to his flooze(y)
    I thought I’d gone crazy but he was just lazy, a coward, an arsehole and… a selfish TWAT!

    • dumbass bitch who you thought i be
      letting you bang all of berlin with my money
      thinking you cool screamin oooh honey
      nah motherfucka now that aint funny

      so you thought i’d lay and roll play dead
      while you out with the hoes getting head
      me and the kids lonely crawled up in bed
      committed to my words when we done wed

      yeah well asshole i be done getting free
      taking my half and all yo money
      kids getting sane parent while you play buddy
      step on bitch you suck you be scummy

  • There was a young lover I married
    Oh how I wish I had tarried
    All others I’ll forsake
    Wait! I need cake
    Quess those vows have been buried

  • There once was a couple with matching tattoos
    Convential marriage, it gave him the blues
    Poor Miss had been pining since 1999
    But now they’re engaged! so all will be fine
    And nothing could possibly ever go wrong
    I’m bitter and twisted for voicing my doubts
    But I still think it’s likely he’s seeking an out
    And the whole thing is going to blow up like a bomb
    Thanks ok- I’ll just bring the marshmallows along
    nobody could possibly make this shit up
    But the mess will be pretty when it’s all lit up

  • They say that love bombing is short
    You seem to have managed some sort…
    of extended romantic,
    the whiplash is frantic
    Is there logic to this kind of sport?

    • love bombing blinding can you see?
      whoops change the mirror that’s who i be
      giving me love attention and money?
      got in the sack running for liberty…

      whoops done fucked up crossed the wrong babe
      FT got my number my ass can’t be saved
      she done wised up damn girl don’t be brave
      i wanna run my game long need some pave

      shit she called me out and found CL
      slapping me around girl what the hell?
      i thought done wrapped you up with the wedding bell
      you got your spine my mask dispel

      i better run hide and disappear
      you done gone mighty i full of fear
      sure i throw swerves to make you steer
      yet you on my ass busting my image with your spear

  • Griselda was the name of the ho-worker
    Her pussy, she knew, would make him pick her
    Caught in the travel trailer of love
    I could not wait to give him a huge shove
    Both Ex and her husband, said leave slut
    And she was tossed out on her butt

  • Better the devil you know
    how to differenciate friendly from foe
    Sadly our cheaters
    are non stop repeaters
    Lesson hurts, but leaves much room to grow

  • There once was a whore who publicly acted like Betty Crocker
    Who secretly was totally off her rocker
    While she publicly prayed in private she laid every Tom Dick and Harry
    In a few years her huge payments will end and since loverboy works halfass
    Soon she will be left with her hand on her ass.

  • I can only do mine in old school rap format….

    Bitch be rolling sackin’ da hoes
    poof went the money where it goes
    I be trackin hackin following da trail
    leaving the cheater with stringy entrail
    federal court serve his ass without fail

    sorry i can only write raps and AABBA disrupts the flow

  • can we get a rap category? limericks and haiku escapes me… gotta roll with bitches and hoes to get the flow

  • There once was a loser called Jill
    Whose finances were really quite ill
    She snared my sad drunk
    In the hope of a chunk
    But finds that she’s left with the bill

    Lying, cheating drunk
    Drooling on my silk cushions
    What a prize she won

      • Thank you Over and Out. This is my first post in here, though CL’s book and this site have helped me hugely over the last two and a half years. I just couldn’t resist this and spent a very happy half hour coming up with several of these. After 34 years together and many very wet Mondays, I at last feel that my Tuesday is very close ????

  • you running and hiding everything in sight
    bitch you done forget i full of might
    creeping with hoes day and night
    gonna bust you ass bitch get ready to fight

    four years of your shit done be enough
    you thought i lay down and lack the tough
    you thought filing was a breeze bitch i gonna get rough
    tracking you down no matter where i call your bluff

    bailing on me was ok and fine
    you left kiddo crying making a shrine
    bitch step up your numbers next in line
    serving yo ass head spinning no time

    you send me sadz channel blasting on pity
    not my fault you bummed and shitty
    shoulda thought of that bitch when you bounced giddy
    fuckin the hoes thinking you so pretty

    you dodge and weave thinking you be okay
    changing continents to avoid the fray
    motherfucker i’m on your ass eat you up like prey
    gonna fear the night and beg for the day

    ducks lined up sitting fine and straight
    you think you served me up bitch you got the hate
    court gonna chase you down for being late
    karma’s a bitch she’s got your fate

    so while you piss away your pay for meals and hoes
    remember bitch i document the court already knows
    you a lazy assed fucker running with the bros
    laughing my ass off your accounts be froze

    so run and hide and escape you try
    i’m the big mac bitch you just a fry
    can’t wait to hear you scream whine and cry
    while the truth stands up you can’t deny

    fuck you we out.

  • I wish we’d found some other way
    One house for the children to play
    I tried divorce busting
    But got conned for trusting
    And mocked that I had tried to stay

    Divorce is a loss it’s quite true
    But I at last did what I had to do
    Though I’ve shed many a tear
    When I look in the mirror
    I finally can stomach the view

  • I love your streak of cruelty
    your sociopathic lies
    the selfish, shallow tendencies
    shining in your eyes

    i love your vast self pity
    it should come as no surprise
    that when you lie completely
    you do it with snake eyes

    you justify your actions
    without a hint of dread
    she came into our bedroom
    and fucked you in our bed

    now you are basely different
    i feel it in my heart
    but you claim no ownership
    so it will tear apart

    a family long established
    a family love that grew
    now a symbol of your apathy
    we’ll survive it without you.

  • He said, I’m leaving tomorrow on a business trip
    What I didn’t know was that he was sharing his dick
    With howorkers, each in a different city,
    And now constantly begs me for pity
    I had to file, he just makes me sick

  • Oh, borderline fuckwit called Bob
    who could never resist strange knob
    He didn’t tell his wife
    that he was endangering her life
    Sayonara Bob, you NUTJOB!

  • There once was a man whore of mine
    Who thought I was wasting his time
    He left me for his co-slut
    While I was pregnant
    All, so his knob could be shined.

  • You like fucking whores
    They are simple transactions
    Wives require effort

    —–

    Forgiveness? Fuck you
    You deserve only contempt.
    I now feel so free

  • Liar, Liar pants on fire
    Placed his marriage on a funeral pyre
    He lit the flame
    Like it was a fucking game
    Then scurried away from the whole quagmire

  • Porn dick was a new one to me
    Of course, why wouldn’t it be
    He hid his addiction
    To this sick affliction
    Limp dicked for eternity

    Old saggy balls no ass
    He thinks he is still a good catch
    Looking for a blind date

  • Rainbows and unicorns and heart emojis galore,
    You swept me off my feet when my life a bore
    For a short time you made me think I was the “one”
    But soon I realized you weren’t for me, “hun”
    So here’s a glass, we raise to you, the narcissistic whore.

  • Trips promised make me want to vomit

    Always a cheat and a liar to beat.
    Now, I am on my own.
    Good luck to you and the new number four clone.

    Serial marriage was your hobby
    Now your the patient in your former lobby.
    What a sweet goodbye when you said I lie.
    Who’s lying now?
    Bittersweet to have gotten engaged on
    Valentine’s Day
    When actually it was all right lay.

  • Yo! Jesus cheater!
    Wonder how many times you
    wooed another’s man

    I love Haiku’s…so fun!

  • There once a cheater named Evil One
    Who one night left his laptop open
    To my shock and surprise
    He revealed to his new prize
    That his days being my husband were reducin’

  • Ten years younger than
    Him, two kids living with ‘rents
    She must have thought, “yeah!”

    Dumb blonde, herself a
    Chump, she ran with him for weeks
    Before truth revealed

    When her mom snooped ’round,
    ‘found out he was still married
    Dated him anyway

    Herself a damn chump,
    She didn’t care, she needed
    A man and daddy

    Long ago I cared
    Many days did I beg him to share
    No valid, true explanation given
    No tears, no remorse, no requests to be forgiven
    All I got was a cold eyed stare

    I wanted to KNOW more and more
    All about him and his whore
    He wouldn’t admit to even a kiss
    And Over and over I got dissed
    I cried until my eyes were sore

  • The tale of a chump quite naive.
    Who fell for a narc we’ll
    call Steve.
    Well Steve was a liar
    With roaming desire
    So the chump had no choice but to leave!