Time Again for Infidelity Valentines!

Happy February, chumps! It’s nearly Valentine’s Day, or as people have been known to call it “Single Awareness Day.” If you’re feeling a bit adrift with all the mylar heart balloons and syrupy sentiment out there…. consider snark!

Yes, it’s time once again for our Infidelity Valentine’s Day Contest where we remember the less fortunate — the poor sods that wound up with our exes — and immortalize them in verse.

So send me a poem! Just like previous year’s contests, I’m looking for either a haiku or a limerick that encapsulates your cheater experience. The winners get inscribed copies of my book (I’ll ship anywhere). I will announce the winner on Valentine’s Day and draw some accompanying cartoons. So hey, the day isn’t a total waste, right?

To recap from 8th grade English, a haiku is a poem with 5-7-5 syllables.

I love you but I’m…
Christ, you are such a cliche
…not in love with you.

A limerick is a 5 line poem with a rhyme scheme of AABBA.

There once was a mistress named Kay
Who was a better liar than a lay
She had HPV
And now it’s with me
My husband’s clap conveys

Check the archives for past chump cleverness. We have some real snarky gems. You’ll also note I drew a new cartoon for the contest this year. (Because who can resist stabbing Cupid?)

Please no lugubrious long-form verse — keep it bitter, funny, and short. (Yes, I said bitter. As in acerbic. As in take-this-Valentine-and-shove-it.)

You have until February 12 to send submissions!

TGIF!

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Natalia.B
Natalia.B
6 years ago

There was once a cheat named Paul
Who had no morals at all
Old, fat or thin
They were kibbles for him
Now his marriage has gone to the wall

sweetChumpgirl
sweetChumpgirl
6 years ago
Reply to  Natalia.B

Sparkly balls going prancing in the night
Howorkers duties added to his delight
Fuck a few, fuck a friend
Fuck you Sparkly, this is the end
Sweet heart’s disappointment and I finally saw the light
Got a bulldog lawyer to fuck him over just right

Nveragain
Nveragain
6 years ago
Reply to  sweetChumpgirl

Favorite!

Can I crosspost with attribution?

gm
gm
6 years ago
Reply to  Natalia.B

So funny!

TinaT
TinaT
6 years ago
Reply to  Natalia.B

This is my first post, so I wasn’t sure if putting it as a reply was correct, but here goes:

Miss Angela was a ‘ho-pair”
With Germanic big tits and blonde hair.
When my spouse (not so smart)
Met this Black Forest tart
And ‘forgot’ that he loved me (NO FAIR!)

They met in a bar in Toronto
Then up to his room to fuck – PRONTO!
With his cute German strudel
Caressing his noodle
My hubby’s not one to hold on to.

Now-I-Know-What-Hell-Looks-Like
Now-I-Know-What-Hell-Looks-Like
6 years ago
Reply to  TinaT

That was epic TinaT!

Pulmafool
Pulmafool
6 years ago
Reply to  TinaT

Absolutely loved these….such fun.

GratefullyDivorcedDad
GratefullyDivorcedDad
6 years ago
Reply to  TinaT

Welcome, TinaT! And nicely done!

pulmafool
pulmafool
6 years ago
Reply to  Natalia.B

There once was a doctor I knew
He left and called me a shrew
He fucked a nurse
Then lined her purse
“I walk with Jesus” says her tattoo.

pulmafool
pulmafool
6 years ago
Reply to  pulmafool

My husband was a nerd.
Do MMA fighting he heard!
He got real tough.
He fucked her stuff.
Now she is stuck with a turd.

graham.nichols
graham.nichols
6 years ago
Reply to  Natalia.B

There once was a boy named Tony
Who moved in with my dear family
I was deployed
And really annoyed
On him, my wife spent all of my money

Matthew Webb
Matthew Webb
6 years ago
Reply to  Natalia.B

There once was a wife called Claire
Who thought riding her boss was quite fair
She got caught in the act
Then pregnant so he was trapped
5 years on I’m at meh

FT
FT
6 years ago

Covert narcissists
Have no personality
They can call their own

The better I know
Your personality was
a mask that you wore

You said you don’t know
The missed red flags became gifts
Bet you still don’t know

Mehtamorphosis
Mehtamorphosis
6 years ago

This is a very fitting contest for me today. Divorce court at 10 am, new life at 11.

There once was a co-ed niece
Who became her uncle’s next piece
This caused marriage trouble
But Unc’s troubles will double
If slutniece ever calls the police

Limericks for me are like chips or pretzels. Can’t stop at one.

There once was a man forty-nine
Who thought his teen niece very fine
They fucked and they texted
Until auntie objected
And signed on the dotted line

Sarah
Sarah
6 years ago
Reply to  Mehtamorphosis

The uncle poem… I’m assuming here that the Niece was a legal adult otherwise this might not be cheating and more abuse?

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
6 years ago
Reply to  Mehtamorphosis

Welcome to the other side!
Life is better on the other side.

Nejla
Nejla
6 years ago
Reply to  Mehtamorphosis

This is the first chance I have had to read today! I am so happy for you!!! So mighty!

Spoonriver
Spoonriver
6 years ago
Reply to  Mehtamorphosis

Hurray!

alexxi1969
alexxi1969
6 years ago
Reply to  Mehtamorphosis

AWESOME in every way… ! congrats x

Thrive
Thrive
6 years ago
Reply to  Mehtamorphosis

Great for you! What a douche-bag-a teenage niece. Have a great day! Hope you get everything you want!

Sarah
Sarah
6 years ago
Reply to  Thrive

As a chump I have to say affair partners are terrible turds but if the uncle is a child molester there is a whole grooming aspect etc that makes this situation different than others on chump nation.

Traveling the World
Traveling the World
6 years ago
Reply to  Mehtamorphosis

I second (third, fourth, or whatever we’re up to) the congratulations!

And…HOLY SH*T! This guy fooled around with his teenage NIECE? (Or your niece?). Eww! How disgusting! I’m so sorry for you.

Every time I think I’ve heard the worst, most depraved crap a cheater can do, something else comes along.

CrushedChump
CrushedChump
6 years ago

Ewe, ewe, ewe!!! What about niece’s parents? Do they know?! Ewe!

kb
kb
6 years ago
Reply to  Mehtamorphosis

Nice limericks!

Congrats on ridding yourself of the child molester. What a creep!

RockStarWife
RockStarWife
6 years ago
Reply to  kb

Congratulations, Meh. I hope that your day is glorious!

foxforcefive
foxforcefive
6 years ago
Reply to  Mehtamorphosis

Congratulations and Good luck, Mehtamorphosis!

Tessie
Tessie
6 years ago
Reply to  foxforcefive

Congratulations, Meh, on a new beginning.
Taking out the trash always feels so good.

livefortoday2
livefortoday2
6 years ago
Reply to  Mehtamorphosis

Happy Day for you and love that second limerick.

Beth
Beth
6 years ago
Reply to  Mehtamorphosis

YAY!!!!!! I’m so glad it’s finally Freedom Day! No worries, the judge will love the smile. **high five**

Mehtamorphosis
Mehtamorphosis
6 years ago
Reply to  Beth

Thanks, Beth. Here’s one inspired by you!

Here at the Nation of Chumps
We’re all spouses of dog turds and rumps
We dance and we spackle
As our rat bastards cackle
‘Til we dump them and claim our fist bumps

Lost45
Lost45
6 years ago
Reply to  Mehtamorphosis

That one is especially wonderful. I thought I was the only person in the world who used the phrase rat bastard so I especially loved it! Well done, you are an inspiration.

Effie Stillhertz
Effie Stillhertz
6 years ago
Reply to  Mehtamorphosis

Mehtamorphosis: Love all your creative poetics here! Best wishes!

Beth
Beth
6 years ago
Reply to  Mehtamorphosis

That’s awesome!! Love you girl. Wishing you the best of everything in this new chapter. And if you ever get back my way, we’ll have another dinner to celebrate your freedom. ????????????

ChumpDiva
ChumpDiva
6 years ago
Reply to  Mehtamorphosis

Meh,
You are my hero, Mighty Mehtamorphosis! May all go your way today in court. So happy for you! Thank you for sharing your journey with us.. .a high tide raises all boats, even my leaky dinghy! ????????

Mehtamorphosis
Mehtamorphosis
6 years ago
Reply to  ChumpDiva

Aw, shucks, Diva. I will bail you out.

cashmere
cashmere
6 years ago
Reply to  Mehtamorphosis

Sweet freedom! So glad for you.

Twitching
Twitching
6 years ago
Reply to  Mehtamorphosis

“Divorce court at 10 am, new life at 11.”
Yay!
Its a great day for moving forward.

Doingme
Doingme
6 years ago
Reply to  Twitching

Meta, congratulations.! Freedom day rocks and so do you.

Cancer Chump
Cancer Chump
6 years ago
Reply to  Doingme

Woo hoo! My divorce court was at 8:30 this morning. Cheers to a new life!

Mehtamorphosis
Mehtamorphosis
6 years ago
Reply to  Cancer Chump

Cheers, Cancer, one newly single chump to another!

ForgeOn!
ForgeOn!
6 years ago
Reply to  Mehtamorphosis

CC and Mehta, Precious Ladies! Hugs to you on your most auspicious day

Love Ya Bunches!!

ForgeOn in your cheater-free life!

Mandie101
Mandie101
6 years ago
Reply to  Mehtamorphosis

Lucky heffas! Run free!

Seeing clearly
Seeing clearly
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Smoke and mirrors

There once was a woman blinded by smoke
Thinking the haze from red flags burning was an illusion of hope
Once she awoke and saw the illusion was broke
She saw in the mirror a picture of hope

Seeing clearly/finally

Mehtamorphosis
Mehtamorphosis
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Tracy, thank you for responding! This made my day. The judge will be telling me to wipe the smile off my face.

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
6 years ago
Reply to  Mehtamorphosis

Bravo Mehta, Bravo! For your limerick talent (LOL) and your new life!

Mehtamorphosis
Mehtamorphosis
6 years ago
Reply to  ClearWaters

Clear, you motivated me to write two more today on the plane back home from divorce court.

There once was a shy nerd named Woody
Who seemed to be all goody-goody
‘Til the marriage police
Caught him fucking his niece
On the floor with her bum on her hoody

There once was a man with a wife
Who discovered his secret life
Of fucking their niece
And their close friend Denise*
Whose husband just sharpened his knife

*Her real name has been changed to protect the guilty. And rhyme. But her sister is named Denise. Really!

Okay, I will stop now. Maybe.

Seeing clearly
Seeing clearly
6 years ago
Reply to  Mehtamorphosis

Meh,
Congratulations!!! Can’t wait till the day I can post, free at last!!

My god, his niece!! These freaks are a never ending pile of shit!!

Thank god you are rid of the child molester!! What about her parents?

KibbleFree_MightyMe
KibbleFree_MightyMe
6 years ago
Reply to  Mehtamorphosis

Yaaass!! So happy for you, Mehtamorphosis! Wishing you all the courage to do and say what you need to today, but the courage to also keep that supreme happiness under wraps just until you turn around to walk out of the courtroom or chambers. Then you’re all: ????????????

You totally deserve this!! (((Hugs!)))

Feelingit
Feelingit
6 years ago
Reply to  Mehtamorphosis

You should be grinning from ear to ear leaving that effed up Mess!

TorontoChump
TorontoChump
6 years ago
Reply to  Mehtamorphosis

Go, Meh, go! So happy for the healthy fresh start that awaits you! Xox

FT
FT
6 years ago

Now that that mask that you wore
was removed and was thrown on the floor
Now I’m aware
and you’re out of my hair
I’m quite glad that you’re off with that whore

Lost45
Lost45
6 years ago
Reply to  FT

This one is perfect! I’d love to send it to my cheater/ex-husband but it would got right over his head.

Saw
Saw
6 years ago
Reply to  FT

Awesome!

chumpapalooza
chumpapalooza
6 years ago
Reply to  FT

FT-this is perfect for me!

FT
FT
6 years ago
Reply to  chumpapalooza

Your comment made my day. Thank you

UXworld
UXworld
6 years ago

It doesn’t fit the format requirements, so I’ll forfeit the chance at a prize, but I like it…

(Apologies in advance to whoever penned the old rhyme about Lizzie Borden)

Kunty Kibbler shafted me,
Gave her twat to RPD,
And when she saw she’d made him cum,
Shoved a dildo up his bum.

nothischump48
nothischump48
6 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Omg! Laughing out loud!!!

UXworld
UXworld
6 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Second verse…

Mindfuck channel stuck on rage,
Selfies rule her Facebook page,
Divorce tattoo on her shoulder,
Thinks it stops her getting older.

Doingme
Doingme
6 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Love this UX . Yeah, the new 60 is fourty. It’s all good. But if you know the Limited there are are parts well beyond their years;; all parts aren’t equal. Just My’s Opinion. You knows what I means!

Seeing clearly
Seeing clearly
6 years ago
Reply to  Doingme

Love the Limited comment!!

That was too funny!!

Kennedy
Kennedy
6 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

I think you are still stuck on your X wife.
There are millions of women out there who are prettier, cleaner, kinder and more honest than this whore.

Stop wasting your time on this website and get out there and live, man!!!

You’re wasting your precious life. There is no prize for being witty and clever on this blog. It is time suck after it serves its purpose as a triage unit after discovery.

You are Obsessed. Get off the computer and get out there in the real world. Stop living in the past. As a man who is not a mutant( it seems) – You will have women throwing themselves at you.

Doingme
Doingme
6 years ago
Reply to  Kennedy

CS you’re too kind. Kennedy, I see purple in your future. Bend over.

Doingme
Doingme
6 years ago
Reply to  Doingme

Oops, forgot the last word CS (Kennedy).

cheaterssuck
cheaterssuck
6 years ago
Reply to  Kennedy

“I think you’re still stuck on your X wife” said no one on this blog ever! (who knows UXworld and actually has a clue) Perhaps you should buy one Kennedy!

Most of the folks who contribute to this blog after the “initial triage” do so to help the newly anointed chumps who feel like they’re completely alone. Lucky for all of us UXworld is one of those people so you should probably know that before you go running your mouth….or are you still mad that someone dropped a house on your sister?

Seeing clearly
Seeing clearly
6 years ago
Reply to  cheaterssuck

Thank you for that wonderful response to Kennedy- wonder if he belongs to the family of political Kennedy’s!!!!

Effie Stillhertz
Effie Stillhertz
6 years ago
Reply to  cheaterssuck

LOL at your Kennedy response.

newdaydawning
newdaydawning
6 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Love it

cheaterssuck
cheaterssuck
6 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Too bad we can’t vote! Limerick or not, this is wicked funny!!!

Miko
Miko
6 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

That made me laugh out loud, OneDaySomeDay.

God, I’m so fortunate to have found you all! Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!

OneDaySomeDay
OneDaySomeDay
6 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Hey UX, maybe this makes it a legit limerick:

Kunty Kibbler shafted me,
Gave her twat to RPD,
And when she saw she’d made him cum,
Shoved a dildo up his bum.

Hurry up, there’s another man coming at three!

OneDaySomeDay
OneDaySomeDay
6 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Hey UX, maybe this makes it a legit limerick:

Kunty Kibbler shafted me,
Gave her twat to RPD,
And when she saw she’d made him cum,
Shoved a dildo up his bum.

And yelled, it’s always about me!

OneDaySomeDay
OneDaySomeDay
6 years ago
Reply to  OneDaySomeDay

Woops, hit send too soon.

trying for mighty
trying for mighty
6 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

I love the Lizzie Borden rhyme scheme! And so appropriate. “Forty whacks!” I think Tracy should let us use this rhyme scheme and rhythm, too.

Doingme
Doingme
6 years ago

Four score and four years ago
My liberation came don’t ya know
Nancy so special she blew
After seeing her I knew
At best his supply required a feeding trough.

Twitching
Twitching
6 years ago

The pastor cheated
He left his wife and children
The church still lets him work there

Seeing clearly
Seeing clearly
6 years ago
Reply to  Twitching

Another cheater – hiding behind Jesus loves me!

Natalia.B
Natalia.B
6 years ago

Verse 2…..

Now Paul thought it great fun to lie
When looking his wife in the eye
It was duper’s delight
And watching her plight
Pure cake until she said……bye!

Happy Friday everyone!

Sarah
Sarah
6 years ago
Reply to  Natalia.B

Love it!!!

GratefullyDivorcedDad
GratefullyDivorcedDad
6 years ago
Reply to  Natalia.B

I like the cadence of this one. Nice work!

Margo
Margo
6 years ago
Reply to  Natalia.B

Natalia B – we must have been married to the same loser. Mine was named Paul as well and he fits your description perfectly. Thanks for the laugh! Happy Friday!

Trumped
Trumped
6 years ago
Reply to  Margo

Also had a POS Paul. Wow!

Natalia.B
Natalia.B
6 years ago
Reply to  Margo

????❤

Chumpawumpa
Chumpawumpa
6 years ago
Reply to  Natalia.B

I love this one!

FT
FT
6 years ago

Had not realised my Tuesday had come
Once upon a time I was really quite glum
rrom your financial misuse
and the gaslighting abuse
Look at the awesome life I’ve begun

FT
FT
6 years ago
Reply to  FT

Oops rrom = from

Blee
Blee
6 years ago

There was a young cheater from Kent
Who’s thing was long, thin and bent
One night in a muddle
He put it in double
And instead of c*ming, he went

Nveragain
Nveragain
6 years ago
Reply to  Blee

I’m from Fort Kent!

Mehtamorphosis
Mehtamorphosis
6 years ago
Reply to  Nveragain

Nver, I grew up in Piscataquis County!

Nveragain
Nveragain
6 years ago
Reply to  Blee

Clever! The poem, not the cheater.

FT
FT
6 years ago
Reply to  Blee

A version of this limerick predates the internet. Yet, still very funny

Blee
Blee
6 years ago
Reply to  FT

Little Miss Muffett
Sat on a tuffett, doing her social media
Along came a cheater
Who wanted to meet her
F*** off hairy legs !

Blee
Blee
6 years ago
Reply to  FT

Yes FT, you are correct. Sadly, the cheater from Kent is the cleanest (publishable) one I could remember.

FT
FT
6 years ago
Reply to  Blee

LOL

The rest of them must be fun!

Ivy_Tech
Ivy_Tech
6 years ago
Reply to  Blee

That’s gotta hurt!

flowergirl
flowergirl
6 years ago
Reply to  Blee

Thank you you have made my day

Mehtamorphosis
Mehtamorphosis
6 years ago
Reply to  Blee

Blee, are you from Maine? I grew up there and we had a man from Fort Kent who saved his wife trouble by folding it double!

Blee
Blee
6 years ago
Reply to  Mehtamorphosis

Hi M
I’m from Perth Western Australia

Natalia.B
Natalia.B
6 years ago
Reply to  Blee

Blee that is so funny…..

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
6 years ago
Reply to  Blee

Ha! Love the clever finish!

Mehtaphysics
Mehtaphysics
6 years ago

For your choosing delight:

Sex in cars is fun
For you. I cried and got a
Full STD screen.

My ex husband was totally feckless,
But with his pecker grossly reckless.
So nasty to tell, much worse to smell (!)
So I ran away pell mell.

He told me he loved me forever,
And nothing would change it, no never,
Oddly enough, five mistresses can,
And now I’ve a lawyer and no man.

All of his moves were a trope,
The unoriginal dope.
His women agree: he’ll leave me! they’ll see,
But in the end I had to flee.

Ok I think I’m done now.

Geode
Geode
6 years ago
Reply to  Mehtaphysics

One for each category:

In the dark of night
I lay awake in my fear
Wond’ring where you’ve been

and

Beware stout old surgeon so sick
Country charmer but truly a prick
Craigslisters he’d bone
Often played all alone
Til one day he broke his own dick
(true story)

Over and Out
Over and Out
6 years ago
Reply to  Geode

Love your limerick, Geode – serves him right!

Nveragain
Nveragain
6 years ago
Reply to  Geode

Clever! The poem, not the cheater.

Saw
Saw
6 years ago
Reply to  Geode

Ha! Was he an orthopedic surgeon? The x was. ????????????❤️????❤️

cheaterssuck
cheaterssuck
6 years ago
Reply to  Geode

LOLOLOL!!!

FT
FT
6 years ago

On our wedding day
I travel the the world forging
better memories

You don’t know who you are
A man, a mouse, or a car
The fortunate thing …
is it’s her problem
I don’t want to know who you are

Clare
Clare
6 years ago

You set my life on fire in March and pushed me out to sea
My mind bobbed wildly against the waves
Ablaze, but strangely free

I patted flames and held them back
But the fire raged on in me
Consumed me still for months beyond
Despite the stormy sea.

The sense of calm, mistook for pain
I then recognised and knew
My mind was fine, the pain you gave was really meant for you.

I’m just hot and you know it.

Ivy_Tech
Ivy_Tech
6 years ago
Reply to  Clare

Rimshot!

Doingme
Doingme
6 years ago

If you encounter him on a first date
Beware, he will spew out such hate
You’ll empathize with his short Cummings
Who uses an micro stick dick for bait?

Brightness
Brightness
6 years ago

What do you call a…
Grad student who fucks her prof?
One dumb cock-sucker.

What do you call a…
Prof and ho who fuck with me?
My dumb bitches now.

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
6 years ago

The man who seemed honest and tender,
Turned out to be quite a pretender.
His preference for youth
Made me see the truth.
I shipped him out, “Return to Sender”.

Seeing clearly
Seeing clearly
6 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

Brilliant!!

GratefullyDivorcedDad
GratefullyDivorcedDad
6 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

Nice one!

FT
FT
6 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

For the win!

CrushedChump
CrushedChump
6 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

LOVE THIS!

Mehtaphysics
Mehtaphysics
6 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

Genius.

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
6 years ago
Reply to  Mehtaphysics

????????

peacekeeper
peacekeeper
6 years ago

” Infidelity Valentines” and keep it bitter”
Where on this whole wide earth ???? can a Chump wake up, click on to CL and immediately get a heart lift feeling to their day?!?
And THE CARTOONS, you don’t even get them at the movies any more ( replaced with turn off your cell phone clips)!

Thank YOU, CL, for making life bearable!
Your’re the best!

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
6 years ago

A dumbass with no self control
Who banged anything with a hole
Took me as his wife,
Made chaos my life,
Then I left the mis’rable troll.

unicornomore
unicornomore
6 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

Love it !!

TorontoChump
TorontoChump
6 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

Ami, you are on a roll this fine morning!

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
6 years ago
Reply to  TorontoChump

Thanks! Limericks inspire me. ????

Aeronaut
Aeronaut
6 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

They should.

The limerick is furtive and mean.
You must keep her in close quarantine.
Lest she sneaks to the slums
And promptly becomes
Disorderly, drunk and obscene.

(And now that I think of it, I suppose UXworld’s ex KK is a lot like that, ….)

Hugs.
aeronaut

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
6 years ago
Reply to  Aeronaut

????????????????????

Magneto
Magneto
6 years ago

Dear OW;

Your prize has arrived!
Pay cash on delivery.
All souls are final.

Magneto
Magneto
6 years ago
Reply to  Magneto

P.S. OW:

IF you were looking
For freedom, love and hope, thanks
for giving me mine.

Over and Out
Over and Out
6 years ago
Reply to  Magneto

+1

Txmmw
Txmmw
6 years ago
Reply to  Magneto

Perfect! Now I have freedom and OW has the chains.

nomoreskankboy
nomoreskankboy
6 years ago
Reply to  Magneto

BOOOOOM!

Doingme
Doingme
6 years ago
Reply to  nomoreskankboy

Magneto for the win!

Magneto
Magneto
6 years ago
Reply to  Doingme

I actually got in trouble in the 7th grade for writing lyrics. My bad! That poor lady teacher probably retired after. Almost made me hesitate to post! 😀 Thnx

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
6 years ago

If ever you’re faced with a cheater,
Please know, your life could be much sweeter.
Just leave — gain a life!
You’ll find much less strife
And gain a refined BS meter!

Ok, that’s three, I’ll stop. (I ???? limericks!)

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
6 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

????????????

Chumpawumpa
Chumpawumpa
6 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

Love

SolteraOtraVez
SolteraOtraVez
6 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

Yesss this is my fave. Love it and love my new refined BS meter

Beth
Beth
6 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

That is AWESOME! My favorite so far!

informal
informal
6 years ago

I always felt off balance
Found your soul a void
We left and stand tall again

Blee
Blee
6 years ago

My ex is a bit of a bitch.
Stranger’s beds she liked to switch
I may be a chump
But I know how to fake pump
Get outa my life you witch

CrushedChump
CrushedChump
6 years ago

There once was a skanky chump named Mylinda
Who cured her broken heart with my dear mistah
Over and over he told her “Leave me alone”
But she wouldn’t give up, she wanted to bone
She won turd number two and lots of bad karma

Blee
Blee
6 years ago
Reply to  CrushedChump

Awesome CC

CrushedChump
CrushedChump
6 years ago
Reply to  Blee

Thank you Blee! I can’t believe 27 years has been shattered by a fellow CHUMP! Who could do this to someone after living through it yourself? A soulless whore, I guess. 🙁

lovedandlost
lovedandlost
6 years ago
Reply to  CrushedChump

Mine was a chump or so I thought. His first wife left him for s/o else & he swore ho could never do that to anyone. Well 20 years later (prob less) he did. I think he secretly admired her for being able to use & discard people. He learned well.

CrushedChump
CrushedChump
6 years ago
Reply to  lovedandlost

I am so sorry lovedandlost. Hang in there! xoxoxox

2old4drama
2old4drama
6 years ago
Reply to  CrushedChump

Happened to me, too. I got left for a fellow chump. Pretty sure she’ll figure out he’s not exactly who he portrays himself to be. They deserve each other.

CrushedChump
CrushedChump
6 years ago
Reply to  2old4drama

I am so sorry 2old4drama! I wish it hadn’t also happened to you. I just don’t understand how another chump could put someone through this. She told us how devastated she and her daughter were. But then she told my husband she did not care who she hurt, she was going to be selfish. Uh, yah. The indescribable pain, despair, and shattered heart and soul I have right now I would not wish on anyone on this planet, not even her.

RockStarWife
RockStarWife
6 years ago
Reply to  CrushedChump

Crushed Chump,

You are not alone. My last boyfriend, fellow Chump, who I thought was my friend for decades, coldly dscarded me for the last time for his work subordinate.

Sending you hugs.

CrushedChump
CrushedChump
6 years ago
Reply to  RockStarWife

Thank you for the hugs RockStarWife. I am so sorry it happened to you too! Sending you hugs right back! XOXOXOX

Doingme
Doingme
6 years ago

Within there’s no heart
A space heater with a plug
Lost your power source.

Chumpiest
Chumpiest
6 years ago
Reply to  Doingme

You nailed it, Doing!

Doingme
Doingme
6 years ago
Reply to  Chumpiest

Thank, Chimpiest.

Sassy Pants McGee
Sassy Pants McGee
6 years ago

There once was a man with no friends
‘Cept the ladies with whom he pretends
He had quite a pout
When I kicked his ass out
And his cake eating came to an end

Over and Out
Over and Out
6 years ago

Good one, Sassy Pants! 🙂

nothischump48
nothischump48
6 years ago

love it!

Miko
Miko
6 years ago

Hey Sassy Pants, did you know my fuckwit??? Sounds just like him!

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
6 years ago

Love your name and your poem!

VulcanChump
VulcanChump
6 years ago

I know you wanted bitter, CL, but not feeling that today.

These two guys named Rhys and Mac
each turned a part of my heart black
but with my fiance Ben
I’ve been smiling again
And the light seems to have come back

Emma@meh
Emma@meh
6 years ago
Reply to  VulcanChump

I couldn’t do bitter either:

There is no bitter
When finding yourself washed up
Right on meh island

Natalia.B
Natalia.B
6 years ago
Reply to  VulcanChump

Lovely ????❤

Doingme
Doingme
6 years ago
Reply to  Natalia.B

Yay VC

Blee
Blee
6 years ago

Down the wedding aisle we strode
Our future rosy and bold
Little did I know
He had a scank in tow
Cheater’s wedding vows behold.

Doingme
Doingme
6 years ago

He won’t cheat on me, said she.
As she awakes each day drenched in his pee
The covert is so cleverly sly
Moved her close to his old supply
Alway, honey you’re one out of three.

Feelingit
Feelingit
6 years ago

Lord Fuckwit went in search of the moon
He found a star and made her swoon
Then he thought with his Penis
And found a new Venus
But it was really a wrinkled old prune

nothischump48
nothischump48
6 years ago
Reply to  Feelingit

Love it!!!❤️

chumpluscious
chumpluscious
6 years ago
Reply to  Feelingit

LOVE IT!!!

Doingme
Doingme
6 years ago
Reply to  Feelingit

Ha ha Feelingit! Love this!

Sassy Pants McGee
Sassy Pants McGee
6 years ago

And one more…

I married a man named Richard
Whose brains couldn’t half fill a pitcher
When I found all the pics
He became my ex, Dick
Losing him has made me so much richer

pineconeelf
pineconeelf
6 years ago

Roses may be red…
But so is your drippy dick
…got gonorrhea?

CleotheFormerChump
CleotheFormerChump
6 years ago
Reply to  pineconeelf

For the WIN!

Ivy_Tech
Ivy_Tech
6 years ago
Reply to  pineconeelf

Thanks pineconeelf. Blew coffee out my nose with that one.

Doingme
Doingme
6 years ago
Reply to  pineconeelf

There was a cuntfucker named Earl
Decided on an intelligent and lovely girl
As the years went by he gave Donna, Karen, Linda, Sharon, and many others a try
After all he was a serial cheating, pathological lying, drug addicted alcoholic, porn addicted, sociopathic kinda guy
Pathetically at sixty he’s with the one that would make any man hurl.

Geode
Geode
6 years ago
Reply to  Doingme

Swap out shopping and food for drugs and alcohol and you’ve got my ex. And he just turned 60 too. They certainly don’t get better with age.

Kathleen
Kathleen
6 years ago

My ex was screwing a whore
Then I showed him the door

Whore died few months ago
He didnt even feel low

Woman he’s with now thinks she won a prize
Hopefully she soon becomes wise

QueenMother
QueenMother
6 years ago

James Bond: “It really is tragic that two people who love each other so much can’t work it out.”

Doingme
Doingme
6 years ago

Just a condiment
Like ketchup on a hot dog
Take it or leave it.

2old4drama
2old4drama
6 years ago
Reply to  Doingme

Sums it up, right? You, my friend, have reached meh!

Diana
Diana
6 years ago

I once thought I had a good guy
For years on our marriage did try
Found out I was duped
So I flew the coop
May his dick forever stay dry

Natalia.B
Natalia.B
6 years ago
Reply to  Diana

So funny Diana ????.
Really enjoying all these. Great idea CL

Special snowflake ha!
Special snowflake ha!
6 years ago

There once was a Ho named Heather
Who thought she did everything better
She saw my wasband and really quite liked him
And now they’ve left me, thankfully, free

Trying2Cope
Trying2Cope
6 years ago

Asshole stole my money, ideas, writing and art
To sate the greed of his untalented fart
Who faked authenticity but was so rotten inside
That readers detected her stink and her lies
Only one of us has talent, honor and a good heart.

Diana
Diana
6 years ago

His lame-ass excuse
He could not get his rocks off
With just porn alone

Still I Rise
Still I Rise
6 years ago

Cheater fucked a howorker in his marital bed
Traded a quarter century relationship for disease-ridden head
The marriage vows? SHATTERED
The betrayed wife’s heart? SPLATTERED
Can’t be faithful? DON’T GET WED!!!

nothischump48
nothischump48
6 years ago
Reply to  Still I Rise

Great one!

GratefullyDivorcedDad
GratefullyDivorcedDad
6 years ago

Wife was sleeping with multiple men.
Thought I’d never know peace again.
But I got an attorney,
And began a new journey.
Now I’m nearly at Zen.

Tall One
Tall One
6 years ago

Much needed.

nothischump48
nothischump48
6 years ago

Well done!!!

ChumpsterFire
ChumpsterFire
6 years ago

Love this! Great message and rhymed to perfection.

Doingme
Doingme
6 years ago

When you left there was this massive space
A hole of once again being replaced
Without your limitations I finally knew
By setting boundaries and taking care of myself I grew
Doingme took your place.

nothischump48
nothischump48
6 years ago
Reply to  Doingme

That was awesome Doingme!

Doingme
Doingme
6 years ago
Reply to  nothischump48

Thanks!

Justine
Justine
6 years ago

There once was a tart named Donna,
My husband, he fell right upon her!
She was really quite low
That dirty old ho,
I really can’t see how he’d wanna!

Mehtamorphosis
Mehtamorphosis
6 years ago
Reply to  Justine

Love this Justine!

Dixie Chump
Dixie Chump
6 years ago

His days once ended
Wife and child at home each night
Now roaches await

—–

Annual bonus!
Settlement says I get half!
“It’s not fair!!” waah waah

—–

There once was a cheater so sly
To his wife he often would lie
“I’m just spending my time with a friend!
To ski, camp, and sail should not offend!”
Um, yeah, he was boinking the guy.

He covered his crimes

Cleopatra
Cleopatra
6 years ago

There once lived a cheater named Paul
Who thought he could easily have all
His wife crafted a plan
To ruin that man
Now he looks at his paycheck and bawls

Trumped
Trumped
6 years ago
Reply to  Cleopatra

Love it!!

Dixie Chump
Dixie Chump
6 years ago

ha ha …. perhaps our two guys can meet and commiserate!! But mine will hit on yours!!

ChumpsterFire
ChumpsterFire
6 years ago

Ex would take really long poops
In order to text with his Schmoops.
So I found a new bathroom, all mine,
Fully renovated and oh-so-divine.
And it’s her turn now to be duped.

Stronger_then_Ithought
Stronger_then_Ithought
6 years ago
Reply to  ChumpsterFire

OMG. Mine did this tooo… i thought this odd in the middle of the day! And why do you need your phone to poop? You cant do more than one thing at a time anyway…… love reading all of these!

nothischump48
nothischump48
6 years ago
Reply to  ChumpsterFire

Omg! LOVE this. I had a poopie Schmoopie texter too!

wildcat
wildcat
6 years ago
Reply to  ChumpsterFire

So great!!! yeah, the bathroom texting was out of control. I wanted to barge in there a few times – thank God I don’t have to worry about that now.

Mehtamorphosis
Mehtamorphosis
6 years ago
Reply to  ChumpsterFire

Bwahaha, rhyming poops with Schmoops is brilliant. They all pull this bathroom texting crap, right?

Blee
Blee
6 years ago

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Having sex with my husband
Makes me
Mad at you

Mehtamorphosis
Mehtamorphosis
6 years ago
Reply to  Blee

This one is truly a valentine. Clever, Blee!

Wormfree2017
Wormfree2017
6 years ago

I actually upped the game and went with song lyrics ALA Patsy Cline.
I changed the lyrics to She’s Got You;

She called him Pookie
I call him Worm
He said she’s just a friend
He’s lying and it’s confirmed
The only think different
The only thing new
I’ve found my joy again
She’s got you

Wormfree2017
Wormfree2017
6 years ago
Reply to  Wormfree2017

That should be the only THING different, not think. I hate spellcheck sometimes…

Blee
Blee
6 years ago

DD is really upset
You haven’t shown any respect
Introducing the HO
Has been a big blow
And I had no idea to suspect

JustWondering
JustWondering
6 years ago

There once was a cunt named Renee
Who would do anything for a lay
She went after my Eddie
In her sluttiest teddy
Dickwad thought I would beg him to stay