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UBTing the Sugar Daddy

gloriousNew York magazine runs a feature called “Sex Diaries,” sort of like Penthouse forum but without the improving articles. Readers anonymously send in details of their sex-lives — “with comic, tragic, often sexy, and always revealing results.” 

Last week, a 42-year-old corporate trader shared his hijinks with a much younger Sugar Baby. (Which could be a post all its own — why the treacly euphemism for sex workers? Should we name all professionals after popular candies? “Cancel my afternoon appointments, Marion. I have a meeting with a Milk Dud.”)

Anyway… today the Universal Bullshit Translator is tackling the Married Trader and his Sugar Baby.

4:45 a.m. I am a trader, and I live in Chappaqua, so I wake up at the ass crack of dawn and sneak out of the house without waking the wife or kids. They prefer it this way since it’s so damn early.

7 a.m. First Starbucks triple latte of the day. Settled into my desk. Let’s go!

4:20 p.m. The market was not my friend. Get me the fuck home.

Did you have a bad day, Boo Boo? Do you need a friend? I think we could buy you a few.

UBT: I work hard for the money and am a considerate family man who lets small children sleep. My one small pleasure is a frothy caffeinated beverage. Behold my suffering! And pity me. 


4:45 a.m. Same evil wake-up call. I’ve been doing this for 20 years; you’d think I’d be used to it. You’d also think I’d be richer. We just moved out here to the ‘burbs. It’s a big house in the safest possible neighborhood. The wife likes it. My two young children like it. Me? I’m not about to run for mayor, but I don’t need to burn the town down, either.

4:30 p.m. Every other Tuesday, I go to physical therapy for an old back injury. But the wife thinks I go every Tuesday. This is not a PT Tuesday. This is a Brie Tuesday. Brie is my special ladyfriend: We met at a fundraiser about six months ago, and she is 24. It is pure sex. And money. She’s not a proper escort, but she might as well be.

U-huh. You met at a fundraiser. Sure. And the UBT is a chocolate-covered pretzel.

Because that’s how it goes — you sidle up to some young thing at the Save Dyslexic Quakers gala and whisper, “Care to be my biweekly fuck for money?” And she’s in total accord with your wishes. Every OTHER Tuesday? Yes, she’s free!

UBT: Brie is my special ladyfriend. The kind of special I have to pay to touch me.

5 p.m. We meet at a midtown hotel and quickly down two dirty martinis each at the bar — it’s a solid routine. We never touch at the bar because, in case I’m ever spotted, I have a pre-rehearsed story that Brie is my niece. My real niece goes to Columbia, so it would make perfect sense if it ever got back to the wifey. The hotel is also right near my physical therapy, so I’m covered that way.

It would make perfect sense that I would drink cocktails at a hotel with my college-age niece. No one would find that creepy or unusual at all!  Doting uncle is the perfect disguise! No one would ever suspect me of paying for sex! 

The UBT thinks someone slipped some stupid in your drink.

5:30 p.m. In the hotel room, I always go down on Brie for as long as she lets me. Today it’s about 15 minutes. I love her pussy. It is very pretty and smells like cotton candy. We have sex missionary-style on the hotel bed and come together after about 12 minutes, if I’m being honest.

Brie fakes her orgasms.

5:42 p.m. I take a quick shower.

Gotta wash all the cheater juice off before I go home to wifey. 

5:50 p.m. I give Brie $600 after every time I see her. This is because (1) she handles the hotel room, which can cost up to $350, (2) she has to cab it to Brooklyn, where she lives, and (3) I’m happy to give her spending cash. She is a part-time nanny for a Park Slope family and doesn’t make a lot. I’m no fool, I know it sounds like she’s a hooker, but it’s really not like that. And if it is, fuck it, I don’t care.

I’m not paying a hooker! I’m giving a part-time nanny some spending money! It makes perfect sense that a woman who earns $600 per half hour would spend the rest of her non-biweekly-Tuesday time babysitting small children for crap wages. 

She’s just that kind of selfless, crazy kid! Don’t spend it all on comic books, okay Brie? 

7:30 p.m. Home. Wife and kids are so preoccupied with bath time that I don’t have to lie about what I did at PT … because no one asks.

I’m a sad sausage. No one asked me about my day with the hooker. They don’t love me. Ergo, I should see hookers.

9 p.m. I go to bed hours before my wife. All good in the hood.


4:45 a.m. Motherfuckin’ alarm.

12 p.m. It’s been a tumultuous day, work-wise.

4:30 p.m. Get me out of Dodge and straight to … SLT. I love SLT.

6:30 p.m. I meet the family for pizza in the town next door. My kids are my life. And no, I don’t think about Brie at all. I’m able to fuck her every other Tuesday and leave it at that. No texting. No sexting. No missing each other. No trouble.

As long as everyone stays in their place, everything is fine. Family pizza night/hooker night. Can’t mix it up, or it’s like when pizza delivery goes wrong and all the toppings slide off and slosh around. Family pizza night cheese cannot touch hooker Tuesday pineapple. Chaos will reign.

10:30 p.m. When all the kids are asleep, my wife and I cuddle in bed. I have a massive boner. We’ve been together for a decade, so the sex isn’t what it was, but it’s still pretty good. Last year I got “snipped,” so we’re still enjoying the freedom of that. I fuck her from behind while rubbing her clit hard, around and around, how she likes it. Brief flashes of Brie, but nothing I can’t handle.

You have an affectionate wife, who turns you on, a good job, and a lovely family. Yeah, your life just sucks. I think you deserve MORE.


4:45 a.m. Fuck my tedious life.

12 p.m. Market blows.

5 p.m. Drinks with a buddy down in Tribeca. He says his new girlfriend is coming in a little while. This guy is in the middle of a gnarly divorce, so I’m glad to see he’s getting some … in the butt. Yep, he and new girl are into ass-play, he tells me. Mostly hers, a little his. Whatever floats your boat, brah.

6 p.m. I just can’t take his new ladyfriend seriously knowing she likes to take it in the tushy.

I can’t respect a slut who likes anal sex. But a woman who takes money for sex? Hand that special lady friend $600, I say! 

9 p.m. On the Metro-North home, I’m just glad to be married.

I’m sure your wife is just thrilled to not have you arrive home until after 9 p.m. I’m sure her life is never “fucking tedious” staying home with kids.

UBT: I’m just glad for cake. 

4:45 a.m. I look at my phone, and there’s a voice-mail from “Joseph Hedgefund.” Guess who Joseph Hedgefund is? It’s the name of a certain soft cheese. Brie must have drunk-dialed me late last night. In the past, this would have really pissed me off, but I’m too tired to get riled up at the moment.

6:30 a.m. I listen to her message from the car: She is wasted and says she wants to see me and to “choke” — on my cock. We’ve done some bondage stuff before — it’s mostly me getting whipped and emasculated and shit, but sometimes we tie her up, too. She has more than once requested to choke on my cock, so I shove it down her throat until she’s all drooling and lightly gagging. For some reason she loves it. Fun times.

She calls me to request sex. I’m sure it’s because she can’t get enough of my cock and not because she needs money.

5 p.m. I’m meeting the wife and kids at our place in the Berkshires straight from work, so I head there as soon as the market closes. I can’t wait to play with my kids all weekend.

8 p.m. Wife has made spaghetti and meatballs, and there’s a Chianti open. We play with the kids, put everyone to sleep, and make love.

Fuck my tedious life! 


8 a.m. Oh, sleep, I love you. I fucking love you.

12 p.m. We play outside all day. Tag, hide-and-seek, etc.

4 p.m. We go into town for Chinese food — my kids go crazy for Chinese food. Looking at my wife and spawn, I’m a happy man. These happy, healthy days make me wonder if the Brie thing is in fact a good thing for my marriage. It’s just the right release to keep things balanced.

It’s not cheating, it’s BALANCE.

A balance of power in my favor.


9 a.m. Sleep, marry me.

3 p.m. Another missed call from Joseph Hedgefund. Now I’m getting pissed. I’ve been up front about my situation and limitations from the start. In the voice-mail, she says she got tickets to some comedy show during the week, and do I want to join her? Please, Jesus, don’t let this woman start going crazy on me. Please. When I fill the car with gas, I send her a text that says, “No more messages, please, please, please, this is serious.” And then — wait for it — I type, “See you next Tuesday.”

7 p.m. Back home. Back to the grind tomorrow. And that’s my life.

Crazy woman and her cultural events! How dare she text me! Doesn’t she know she’s a bi-weekly orifice?

I’m sorry Babe, there’s just only so much of me to go around. I give my best to my spawn and wifey. But I can choke you with my cock on Tuesday.

Calendar it.

This column ran previously.

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at [email protected]. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • It’s a completely plausible place to meet if it was a fundraiser organised by the Presidents Club Charitable Trust.

    • I’m sure that even if its true, there’s some embellishment, a bit of lopsided commentary, I mean this guy is a prize fool. His wife probably hates him secretly

      • Nope. I think not embellished. My hooker patient fucking doc of an X could have written this verbatim, just change the occupation and sex act of choice. Oh, just signed the settlement agreement yesterday ????. And guess what showed up last night, all drunk and sniffing and sentimental. X! Yep, it just hit Dr Cheater only just now that he’s blown a good wife and family for good. Sad, but all I felt was “Sucks to be you, dude.”

        • Hannibal Lecher could have written the same thing (except for spending a whole day playing hide-n-seek with the kids). After he had to give up gradwhore to stay in the marriage (unbeknownst to me), he went on adult websites and was meeting AAF and Craigslist skanks in the middle of the day so he could come home to eat the dinners I’d prepared, have sex with me, and pretend nothing was awry.

          These Cluster Bs are entitled masters of deception. The writer’s wife has no clue, I’m sure. I hope she finds out and takes over half his hedgefund upon her exit.

          • Hide and seek my ass. Hiding behind a hedge to view picture’s of Brie’s cotton candy pussy on his phone doesn’t count. Please.

            • Dixie, I almost spit out my sandwich reading your comment! BWAAHAHAHA!!

              I didn’t believe it either when he said he played with his kids all day – either it is proof of his own delusional thinking, image management for the magazine readers or proof he is a total lying douche bag.

              • Exactly! His lie about playing hide and seek “all day” with his children is the biggest whopper of all, second only to the John and the hooker both coming after sex.

            • UGH, the idea of him being an engaged dad makes me want to gag… And NOT on this asshole’s cock!!!!

          • Could have been written by my x! He still thinks he’s special as our divorce has given him freedom to carry on with shmoopie and prostitutes. I’m so glad to be free of it all????

          • Dr. Crazy liked cheese too. But not the expensive French kind. He preferred tatted and pierced obese or drug addict thin cheesehead skanks from Milwaukee Backpage. Only $150 + Motel six for a “therapeutic prostate massage” prescribed for his erectile dysfunction.

        • Wow Chickynot I think you have me beat for the shortest time between the divorce and the “oh I think I made a BIG boo boo”! That could be a discussion on this blog sometime soon. You know, how long before they came slithering back, how they grovel to get back in, their reasons for just now coming to their senses! Should make for a few belly laughs.

        • Congratulations, chickynot! One step closer to f*wit freedom for you!

        • My ex Wall Street Wonder told me ALL of his kind had mistresses. Oh really?
          I think my ex would have had affairs if he were jobless which by the way he is now!
          Karma is a bitch!

    • Oh, I’ve no doubt it’s real. Welcome to the “Wall Street Pathology” as my lawyer called it. He was well-versed in it because he specialized in Wall Street divorce cases – representing the trader – so he knew all the tricks. In fact, my lawyer said that when the shit hits the fan, and the wife finds out about the extra-marital activities, the Wall Streeters contact him with their “buy-off number,” and his job is to start low and work up to it throughout the legal process. Wives, kids, houses, they’re just columns on a spreadsheet for them. Trust me. This guy has already done the hooker-math, knows what his buy-off number is and what his concessions will be. All before the wife even knows about it.

      They’re zombies.

      • After having some experience in my career with these guys (and not just traders on Wall Street, the hedgefund guys, investment bankers, family office managers) this does not surprise me one bit. It is all a spreadsheet to them, only a way to keep score, just one big game to them. Values? Morals? only after you get caught, and even then, there is no actual remorse.

        • Yup. Values, morals – they’re trotted out like Christmas decorations and stashed away until they need them for future image-management initiatives.

  • “bi-weekly orifice” !!!!!!!

    Before any of you women get those “men suck” feelings. This story was pretty much my cheater wife. Except Brie is a young male massage therapist that may or may not have been her former student. Getting paid money. Getting sex from my wife. She was really happy with sexting and nude cell phone pics though. During Dday she actually said “I was starting to get worried though that he might get obsessed with me”

    So disgusting. So selfish. I have no room in my life for people trash like this.

    • It all boils down to entitlement…that is what they feel they deserve. I suppose women in the past didn’t think they were entitled to commit adultery…but now it’s fair game. Nobody likes being cheated on and it’s not a get over it situation.

      • Women’s Lib. Men were allowed to be pigs so now women feel entitled to be pigs too. Sometimes I think we took that whole equality thing too far.

        • No. Equality is not the problem. Character is the problem. Women (gays, people of color, etc.) are fully HUMAN, ergo they can assholes.

          All it takes to be an asshole is entitlement.

          • Definitely about character, not culture…..just read the Bible, cheating wives has been going on for thousands of years. Nothing new. The only difference is that it was a more serious crime back then. But it still happened, even when the death penalty was in place.

        • I’m a woman and a staunch feminist, and have never, ever felt entitled to be a pig, or promiscuous, or entitled, or to use people for my own devices. Ever.

        • Exactly how do you take “that whole equality thing” too far? Equal is equal. You can’t be 80% equal. Besides, there are enough stories here about the disordered parents of chumps and cheaters to know that there’s nothing new about women being character disordered and/or cheaters. It has NOTHING to do with women’s lib or equality.

        • Ok. Mea Culpa. Poor choice of words. It was not my intent to knock feminism (or men for that matter), just women who interpret it as license to engage in shady activities that are seemingly accepted by society in their male counterparts (whether they should be or not). Clearly being a feminist does not make one prone to being a cheating pig any more than being a man makes one prone to being a cheating pig. It’s just that we have to be careful with “anything they can do we can too” thinking because there may be some things we don’t want to do and don’t want to accept in other women just because many seemingly successful men have a reputation for doing them. There are women out there who use feminist arguments to justify their cheating (they think they are empowering themselves by throwing off the shackles of patriarchal expectations of wives) and if you disagree you are a sexist misogynist monster rather than someone who values honor, commitment and not hurting people. Perhaps we just need to counter those arguments as “not feminist”.

          • I understood what you meant, @ChumpInRecovery. I have actually heard women say things like, today I’m going to go out and have sex like a man (and explaining this meant picking up some random guy at a bar, fucking him with only her own pleasure in mind, leaving with no exchanged civilities). More than once, I’ve said something along the lines of, my Brothers and dad are men, and that’s not how they have sex. But my protestations seem to fall on deaf ears. Women who want to behave in certain ways can “blame” their behaviour on equality, but basically they’re just doing what they want, while trying to make it seem like a feminist statement. And, hey, these women I mention are single so they’re free to screw who they want, how they want… I just wish they’d own their sexual behaviour instead of somehow trying to deflect.

        • Yeah not sure how you take women’s lib too far but when “only” men were pigs, just precisely who were they being pigs with?

          Everyone should be equal. People with bad character just have bad character. Wouldn’t matter if they were equal or not.

    • A female cheater paying a guy for sex??! Wow. That’s a new level of entitled stupid right there.

      • Maybe Zell paid for it. Entitled narc cheater tells faithful husband she needs massage therapy, and thoughtful Zell is happy to help. Cheaters deceive and manipulate.

      • Why? Just because men tend to say yes to sex more readily than women, there’s no guarantee that your rando hookup will be good in bed and not a psycho.

          • yes. I could go into further details, but right now would prefer not to. Trying to get my brain away from all that right now.

    • It’s interesting that there is no mention of the women that are knowingly sleeping with a married man for money. There is definitely could be an argument against the women who are knowingly engaging in a relationship that is jeopardizing another women’s family. Where are the comments of outrage? Personally I feel women should be able to do anything they want with their body, if they want to sell it for money, that’s their right and their own business. But what’s also quite amusing is that women who are outraged at any arguments against their “right to choose” don’t stand up for these women and their rights.

    • +1

      As my IC said, no mentally healthy woman knowingly wants to be involved with a married man. Fucking lunatics the lot of them. And wanna-be Wolf of Wall Street is probably a narco-path.

    • You never know if you’ve read some of these stories before until you get to the blurb at the end. It’s hard to tell when they all say the same things, do the same things, justify things to themselves the same way, portray their spouses as lacking, etc.

      Alas, that’s one of the problems with selfish and entitled people, there’s just not a whole lot of imagination or originality going on.

      • Interesting. Except for one line where he states that sex with wife has lost some luster, not once does he bash his wife. That won’t start until he is discovered.

        The reality is that his wife, while not perfect, is probably pretty amazing. And right now she is still of use to him. He doesn’t want to lose her. The blaming is done later to keep from acknowledging that he is the total shit when things blow up. Then the narrative changes.

        • Plus, he’s writing for the public. Sex Writer has to portray that he has acquired a fabulous Wifey to other people because she reflects well on him. That doesn’t mean he isn’t treating her like crap at home. Ask how I know.

          • That is the freaking truth…brag about the wife to friends and family – they will think you are SO great.

            I remember he came home one day saying that his coworkers had come to learn that I (then) worked in a Neonatal ICU and he got to look all sparkly that day. He still cheated and treated me like shit.

            • ^^THIS^^ My cheater XH was so proud to have a wife like me. Smart, beautiful and strong. Once he hooked up with schmoopie, he started treating me like shit, picking fights with me, etc. I could not figure out the 180. Once I found out about schmoopie it all made sense. I was fabulous in his eyes, until I wasn’t.
              The karma is that he would give ANYTHING to have me back. Hahaha Nope, he’s stuck with the ugliest woman on earth now.

              • I was brought in to save his reputation. And I did a bang up job with his kids, extended family, friends and colleagues. Sadly for him that ended when I filed 14 months later. Now with a DV charge by his current gal pal and other legal issues his reputation is even worse. Not my circus any more.

            • I was used as a “show and tell” prop too. To impress his coworkers, friends, and family. Especially his coworkers. He used me to make himself look good with them.

          • My guess is that he is playing the part and wearing a mask with the wife. That doesn’t mean there aren’t slips of devaluing and lack of prioritizing his wife and family over drinking with his buddies and lots of “therapy”. But anytime she starts noticing, he probably starts lovebombing.

            My cheater was telling me how amazing I was most of the time and that he was happy. At the same time, he was missing from dinners, not answering his phone when I called, and making plans without me. It was a constant back and forth that always left me wondering what was what. It is a cruel game they play.

  • Where do these douchebags crawl out from? Is there anyway to block such a cavernous place? They seem to be like a fungus growing underground in feces. There must be a way to thin their numbers. A critter that eats them, a spray that freezes them? They are such a pestilence. Almost like the plague. Erratic action anyone?

  • Reading things like this make me want to cover myself in cling film and never leave the house. The fact that this person exists in the world absolutely sickens me.

  • He’s upfront (supposedly) with the side piece he’s fucking but not with the woman he’s committed to.

    What a fucking Prince.

    Wonder how he’s going to strike “just the right balance” when wifey takes him to the cleaners.

  • This is so much my cheater is is unreal. My dipstick was into webcam girls and even thought he was in a real relationship with one since they would ‘meet’ for cam-to-cam masturbation sessions he took as having sex – LOL. So, basically – he fell in love with his own hand and pictures on a screen.

    However, if you ask him – he is a GREAT father and was a pretty devoted husband. Sure, if was never around to read to the kids or tuck them in bed at night – because I thought I was leaving him time to catch up on work or unwind and he was actually sitting in front of the computer jacking off. Still, he tells himself he is the best dad in the world. Sure he missed all the doctors and dentists appointments, wasn’t there for anything besides sporting events, and barely bonded with the kids – because he was always rushing off to do ‘something’ which was really five years of almost daily porn sessions that took hours of his time. I didn’t notice – too busy raising the kids solo (including homeschooling) while also working full time. It never quite clicked why I was working so many hours but we weren’t ahead financially. Oh wait, Brie (no, it wasn’t Brie – it was “Jessica” and “Amaya”) was getting tokens, and birthday gifts, and being paid for private masturbation sessions.

    But, ask loser boy today and he will talk your ear off about how great of a dad he is and how good of a husband he was. Oh, and about how hard he worked and how giving money to sex trafficked drug addicted hookers (he got into massage parlors when his own hand wasn’t satisfying enough) should really be considered a kind of charity work since they needed the money – vomit, vomit, vomit.

    • Yes, all this is triggering as fuck, including the “charitable” aspect of using sex workers. My cheater even told me not to “judge” the “impoverished” sex workers he used in developing countries where he was working with various not-for-profits (including trafficked women’s groups, of course, because you just can’t make this shit up). When I told him I wasn’t judging them at all, but him, he gave me a shocked look, then told me with a straight face: “But I didn’t do anything wrong!”

        • It’s not just the lack of empathy and moral compass—that would at least make for a very clear villain. This one’s a muddier version, less clear about his goals or relationship to reality. Lives in his own reality made up of alternative facts. One in which he “never lied” to me because he “thought” I knew. Can’t even pathologize or make heads or tails of that logical skein of fuckedupedness.


            the article does explain a lot , that attitude of “oh well” ……”he say’s no , i didn’t” .”who you gonna believe”? etc. etc. all this doubt , no proof , well , my narc cheaterTurd got away with this vile behavior for decades because of this sick attitude …it just goes back to ” THEY ARE LIARS , AND THEY SUCK” !

            • Great article, recognizing this behavior a well as society’s false perception of men , particularly those in power is long over due.

              The wide-eyed, “who? me”? “what”?? “you know I’m not that kind of guy”.

              I can remember getting the “heads up” explanation, there was this girl that “wouldn’t leave me alone at the bar story”, so if you hear anything from anyone this is what happened. “I didn’t want you to think I’d do anything”…., of course not, X was Mr. Integrity.
              Funny how distance, time and Chump Nation help you see through the bullshit.
              Personally, I was buried under a mountain of shit, I believed everything Mr. Integrity told me. Recognizing the bullshit I bought into and how he took advantage of my trust makes me sad. It’s painful and literally takes my breath away.
              Occasionally, out of nowhere X would say, “Brit, you’re my best friend,” “your the only friend I have,” I remember thinking it was a weird thing to say, I assumed that we were best friends and never felt compelled to stop and tell X he was my best friend. Maybe that’s because I wasn’t cheating…,

          • Feigned Incompetence. Got that and still get it from Asshat. What sucks is when it pops up in my kids. I really shut that crap off.

            Thanks for the article. It’s validation- I’m not a psycho bitch, always angry shrew. It’s another sociopath strategy.

            • OMG, this is so much my XH. I used to call him ‘The Befuddled Man.’ That was his M.O. …he had a high powered job and oversaw dozens of employees and made over six figures but acted like the most inept and confused person you ever met.

              • Same for my ex. Could do surgery, fly airplanes, teach scuba, run businesses, etc but was really just a loveable clueless 60 year old white man… f’ing prostitutes.

            • Feigned incompetence, was normal behavior for X when it came to me, our son or anything to do with us.

              Silly X, had no clue how to do anything, forget simple things, claimed not to know how to make vacation plans or have any ideas on where to go, or they “hey, I didn’t know,” again, looking back and recognizing the bullshit.
              The Nutty Professor”. in X’s case “The Nutty Airline Pilot.”

          • This is a great article. I particularly like the point about Woody Allen – how does such an archetypal “bumbler” manage to be so professionally prolific and succesful.
            It really reminded me of the Weasel – such an apparent bumbler in his personal life, to excuse him from his lack of contribution to family life (and also my assumption that he would never cheat as he was too incompetent to do so). However, professionally extremely productive and efficient – it turns out pretty competent with his personal finances too when it came to fucking me over in that department too. There is such an obvious dissonance that seems to be being conveniently culturally ignored.

      • Read about the Oxfam pigs who are going down for their reprehensible behavior

      • Trafficked women’s groups? What a nice, nice man. Ew.

        and how on earth does he justify to himself that he didn’t do anything wrong?

      • “I didn’t do anything wrong!” is the cheater war cry. Exasshole could excoriate a neighbor for imagined cheating on his wife while he was cheating on me. Of course he “didn’t do anything wrong!”

  • This asshole needs to choke on some divorce papers, child support, and alimony payments. CHOKE ON THAT, FUCKWIT.

    • Amen…..When I was reading about him makin luvvvv to his wife I’m thinking….does he wear a condom with the whore on Tuesday ohhhh Id be livid.

      • Why would he? He’s been snipped. I am sure such a thing never crossed my snipped ex’s mind. STDs, what are those? He probably also appreciates Schmoopie because she never made him use a condom like unloving me did back in the day before he got snipped and it wasn’t a good time to get pregnant.

        • Why should he wear a condom? Brie is just a wholesome young nanny with a cotton candy pussy who likes to meet up for12-minute sex every other week and choke on a dick. Between his awesome skills and the fun money he throws at her, there is no way that soft slab of cheese is gonna have other sex partners!

          • One thing about my X I noticed in retrospect was how he gullible he was. I am sure he thinks the OW with health issues and 4 young kids (two headed to college rather soon) loves him for exactly who he is and not for his high income.

      • It never crossed my ex’s idiot pea brain. Which is why he ended up paying child support to some skank up in Toronto, Canada for 18 years.

  • Off topic here, but I get very tired of rich people who don’t admit they’re rich. If you live in Cappaqua and work on Wall Street, you’re rich. Don’t bitch about your commute or “the market.” This is the life you chose.

    Want a different life? One in which you are an off-the-books construction laborer, living in the Poconos and taking a 2-hour bus to get to work by 6 p.m. each morning? In which your mortgage is relatively smaller? In which you don’t even have to GO to fundraisers, except maybe bake sales at your daughter’s elementary school because they can’t afford textbooks?

    That life is available to you, with the caveat that it probably doesn’t leave much time for Brie.

    • Or that a Brie would not give Mr. misery markets a second look.

      It’s just not sexy for a narc to promote themselves to a target as a laborer. Nothing wrong with the trades at all; I have a lot of family who are skilled tradespeople. Why the fuck is a nanny at a fundraising function? Tickets to attend cost $$$. Kudos to both opportunistic idiots.

    • Yes this. My ex was an investment banker but he only made $200,000-$300,000 per year (inconsistent because 2/3 of his income was bonus). His “low” pay proved how much is employer didn’t appreciate him. He worked with people making millions a year so felt cheated. He was also jealous of the trophy wives because I just wasn’t glamourous enough. Never mind that I was the one who was happy to marry him when he was head cashier at Barnes and Noble before he made it into investment banking. He didn’t appreciate it when I tried to point out that we had it pretty good and maybe he should count his blessings. He eventually quit his job where he was so unappreciated and then started complaining that I didn’t make enough money (HVAC engineers do all right by most people’s standards, but we don’t make as much as investment bankers).

    • Exactly. If the overgrown frat boy (refers to his friend as “brah”) can drop over $14,000 year on Cotton Candy Cooch, he ain’t hurtin’ financially.

  • I find this heartbreaking. I’m so sad.

    This thinking is what I invested my all and my heart to.

  • Ok, he’s been seeing her for 6 months, every other Tuesday for $600….that’s $7200.00 taken from his family. If he had saved that $7200.00, he’d have been closer to retirement and not having to be out of the house at 4:45a every day. But that kind of adult logic is too deep for a lack wit like him. Why adult? Let’s just complain and stomp our wittle feet. I want, I want, I want.

    The entitlement is strong with this fuckwit.

    • Yup, plus – sounds like his kids are young. Does he have a college fun started for each of them? He should at least be setting aside funds to pay for all the therapy they are going to need from having a father that is a narcissist.

      This loser how is paying over $1,000 a month to a hooker is also going to complain like hell when his wife files for divorce and seeks the settlement that she deserves.

    • $7,200 to someone in his income bracket is chump change (pardon the term.) It means one of his daughters’ American Girl dolls had to use a hand me down doll crib and wear about 3 doll outfits more than once.

      Meanwhile, the skilled laborer had to explain to HIS daughter that he didn’t have time to stand outside Walmart helping her sell Girl Scout cookies, because he really needs to work and get some overtime pay this week. Because the stove is broken and the landlord won’t fix it.

    • Methinks the Stupid Cheater is actually being groomed. If Brie is covering all the expenses from $600 ($350 for hotel, $60+tip for four dirty martinis, transport (Brie is totally using public, but still), that leaves less than $200 for three hours of work (1hr for the sex work plus two hours for there and back)

      That’s not great money. Brie wants more. Brie wants a LOT more. She wants to stop being a nanny and sport a much better wardrobe.

      This is going to end very badly for everyone…

      • Yep, but “Brie” (a made up hooker name, if there ever was one), like most seasoned pros, probably has an inside deal at the hotel for her fuck pad rooms and isn’t paying anywhere near $350. (I’ve seen emails suggesting X’s sugar baby has a male contact at a casino who handles sublet rooms for her). Also, Brie could be using the room for multiple clients a day, and hitting them each up for the cost. Chances are the “tickets” she was offering this particular john were a gift from one of them. Or she lost her Friday (or whatever) client and had space available for this dumb fuck.

  • Wow. This WAS my experience. Began in Europe..maybe even in Ohio, thru Waltucky and on into the Midwest.

    Same rationalizations that serial cheating, many LT APs, porn, sex workers, Ho workers and the like ‘made Me (asshat)a better father’. The key takeaway is he NEVER NEVER NEVER mentions his wife as a real person. She’s an appliance needed in his image mgt, raise his ‘spawn’ (his term for his kids), maintance the household and fuck wildly.

    Numerous times asshat would tell me he had a customer dinner, either in the City or nearby. Which I now know meant a fuckbuddy flew in from somewhere and they had scheduled sexy times together. Meanwhile, wife appliance manages 4 kids alone every weekday evening. Asshat even admitted most scheduled hook-ups were always during the week so as not to raise suspicion. This meant hung-over, exhausted daddy passed out on the sofa all weekend with his trusted never-ending six pack of beer or bottle of scotch. None of this accounts for the ‘business trips’ which were all week long with breaks to come home and dump his suitcase and refill it with clean clothes.

    My story is not unusual. Cheaters of both genders are not original.

    • Yes, that’s the part that strikes me most…the paper-thin take on all other people. He even uses the term “the wife” as if she is a nothing but a placeholder, less real even than “my lawnmower”. Why live if this is life?

      These disordereds operate through life with a deadness in part of their brains, and they have no idea it is so.

      • She was also the “tedious” wife, but he was “so happy” to be married. Fucker.

      • My Ex started referring to me by my formal name after we separated. Anything he had to send me was addressed using my full name including my middle initial. No longer did he use my nickname which everyone uses for me including him for 26 years. Always pissed me off because just like that I was no longer a real person to him anymore. Compartments. I was simply moved from one compartment to another compartment. These people are not capable of emotional attachments. They can carry off pretending to be but it is just surface.

        • My ex stopped referring me by anything after he left. Not my name, nothing. We used to call each other “Hon” in better days, and I still reflexively did that, but that felt wrong when I realized he hated me, so I stopped calling him anything too.

          Such a weird feeling to be SO estranged from someone you lived with for 30 years that you can’t even say their name!

        • Oh yeah mine did this too! He referred to me as Mrs. Lastname to the mediator over and over until she told him to knock it off. What a tool.

        • Mine did this too, but it was less a way of creating distance and more a way of showing his disdain for me. I have a professional title (which I never use), but referring to me by that title with a long drawn out sneer was a way of belittling my accomplishments (particularly ironic as he had the same title). And when others were present, like lawyers, he could pretend he was being respectful by using my title (sans sneer).

          In private he also started tossing in a childhood nickname that he knew I hated in the same sentences as he used my title.

          I never took the bait with any of this. My only goal was to never have him speaking to me again at all–there wasn’t any name he could call me that was going to make me happy.

        • My legal name is unusual, it’s also difficult to pronounce (Mom from another country).
          Very few people read my name correctly including teachers and I was always having to correct them. To avoid constantly explaining my name I go by a nickname.
          Since DDay, Cheater and the few times I’ve heard from his family refer to me as my legal name and purposely pronounce my name incorrectly, accentuating the syllables.

          Cheater and his family are bullies,who often use ridicule to hurt people.
          Using my legal name and saying it wrong is form of bullying to ridicule they expect is going to hurt and embarrass me. They are sadly mistaken, I’ve had the name since I was born and I actually like it, I never liked correcting the mispronunciation.
          To counter whenever I’ve had the displeasure of communicating with X or his family I use my legal name. Idiots.

  • What a PIG, PIG, PIG! I hope he gets caught and his wife leaves his stupid ass even more broke than he claims he is now. My cheater, who I have yet to divorce (I know, I know) felt that when he was with his fuckbuddy (he’s 56 and she 27….GAG) that it was balance for him as well and in a way it made him a better husband! WTF!! The rationalizations amaze me. NO, you are NOT a devoted husband and father when you are fucking someone else and lying directly into the face of your wife and children. You sir are an amazing, disgusting asshole! Our society has gone down the toilet…..truly. Where have men learned that behavior like this is acceptable or normal. Where are the men who find pride in being loyal and devoted to their family? Why do sites like Ashley Madison, Adult Friendfinder and a plethora of others exist? Well, I know why they exist, but the fact that they do just highlights the disgusting hole our society is falling down. Calgon take me away! I can’t find my unicorn and am stuck!

    • Don’t be stuck. Find your agency, file, and get free. A new, honest future full of possibility awaits.

    • “Our Society” includes wives who know what their husbands are doing but stay, dear. Give that fool some consequences and yourself a new, cheater-free life … he and his friends will finally get a lesson in how to treat a lady. You deserve so much better.

    • Horrifying but not modern— look at any positions of power throughout history (Courts of Henry VIII, Roman Empire, Concubines of Ancient Egypt, China, etc etc etc)…..

    • You’re not stuck. Copy ALL the financials, find a lawyer, and go seek a new life. One tiny step at a time still gets you over the finish line.

    • Oh, God, this. The OW actually wrote to me that she thought she was “doing me a favor” and by fucking my husband was “helping our marriage”. God only knows what he told her. Certainly not the truth. Probably a sad sausage story of how I didn’t like sex (not true – we had it 2-3 times per week). I DON’T like feeling abused, which IS how I was feeling since cheater suffers from “Delayed Ejaculation” (probably from his porn/masturbation habits) and was blaming his issues on me, nevermind he had the same issues with her…and all the sex workers he hired. I take a certain amount of grim satisfaction knowing that he paid money to not have an orgasm.
      I should clarify that cheater doesn’t “suffer” from DE, only those he has sex with. HE thinks going at it for 4-5 hours per day is perfectly reasonable. WTF??

      • Isn’t it funny how we’re always the frigid ones. Mine was talking about how he was ‘taking care of himself’ three or more times a day. Even at work. That’s usually a sign of porn addiction, too.

  • I have something in common with this guy….
    I’m having spaghetti and meatballs tonight.

    • Oh, and the fact that Brie’s pussy tastes like cotton candy- I’m guessing Brie did not wash her hands before using the portalet at the carnival after she just finished playing skeeball and choking down cotton candy.

      $600 buys a lot of cotton candy and tokens for skeeball. Wonder what she will buy all those tickets she wins?

    • But you are probably making it yourself instead of expecting the home appliance do it for you while you are off recreating with the sex appliance.

      • Yes I am making it myself. On a vacation visiting my folks in AZ, making dinner for them, appreciating the the parents that gave me a strong moral compass, taught me right from wrong.

        Cheaterwife is home upset cause I didn’t take her along. Poor baby, I’m sure her twu love will console her.

        • It is good that you are showing your appreciation for your parents. They clearly did raise you right.

          Meanwhile, I don’t know where you are in your process so I don’t want to prod too soon, but perhaps it’s time for cheaterwife to become cheaterex. Someone who cooks and appreciates his parents can surely do better.

          • Your not prodding Recovery, already filed, second court date in 2 weeks, might be another 6 weeks til final….still sharing the same roof, separate rooms, but N/C is hard under one roof with DD there too.

  • It’s not cheating, it’s BALANCE!! Who knew … and here I thought it was betrayal and suckiness. Silly me!!

  • This guy sounds just like my STBX… arrogant, self pitying, and delusional with a superiority complex.

    In his delusions, he’s giving his charitable contribution (aka. Marital money) to those escort and strippers trying to put themselves through medical school. Seems to me they are all in medical school… why aren’t there more doctors?

    I feel bad for his wife when she confronts him some day. I was unfortunate enough to have gotten the verbal version of this guys Anonymous escapades. Arrogance isn’t limited to anonymous columns, it transcends boundaries… kind of like STD’s! Sadly this isn’t a new look into the brain of the disordered for me.

    Needless to say today’s column made me want to claw out the guys eyes.

    • Yes!!! My cheater’s webcam girls were ALWAYS getting a nursing degree. They were only masturbating on camera for money for nursing school don’t you know – LOL.

      • haha! I’d like to take a survey of doctors and nurses, and find out how many of them sold sex to get them where they are. I’m going out on a limb and saying… not many.

        But hey, cheaters like to feel like they are being charitable

        • I know ONE who worked as a prostitute in undergrad. It is crazy how good the money is. What is WAY more common are married male doctors fucking the nurses and when the marriage falls apart, the male doctors have no problems immediately getting into a new relationship. The same is not true for female doctors.

  • I dunno, this sounds like a dirty romance novelist writing a couple of chapters for his next drug store paperback novel – or – it could be some Jr. High masterbater’s wet dream. I remember kids making up similar stories while growing up. Anyway, assuming it’s all true, I doubt seriously (as does CL) that “Brie” is working a normal job in between alternate Tuesdays. More likely she getting hammered for big bucks at least 5 nights a week and probably carrying around some hideous STDs. The cake-eating narcissist is not too bright in this regard. If he thinks this perception of his life is reality, he might really be a Jr. Higher, at least mentally and emotionally.

    • No doubt about it. If he thinks he’s the only john she is doing, he is delusional. This one hits close to home because my X also used fake PT appointments to “help” him recover from surgery. Except after two sessions he quit going to actual PT and used that time to get his BJ’s from his whore, I mean “sugar baby.”

      He would return from those sessions raving about how much better he felt and how much he was improving. When I questioned him about why we weren’t being charged a co-pay, he told me that the guy (of course his PT was male, according to him), felt so bad for him that he refused to take any money from X for the difference. It wasn’t much money, so after asking about it a couple of times, I let it drop.

      Ugh, looking back now I see how naive I was. Of course a business would not want to be paid fully for their services. That’s how businesses operate, right? How stupid was I? We had been through so much with his health, and I just wanted him to get well.

      What an eye opener it was for me to be able to see how many fake sessions there were, and to know that every time he was supposedly at PT, he was actually off fucking around. It still makes me sick to my stomach to think about. Leave it to a cheater to use any lie that works.

  • “The UBT thinks someone slipped some stupid in your drink.”


    Truly, though, that strong vein of stupid was firmly in place well before any drink. 😉

  • “You would think I would be richer”….well if you didn’t spend 1200 a month on your hooker (14,400/yr)! Seems like a real struggle! Just gross!

    • Exactly. Duh. And he’s about to have only half of that. How many hookups will he afford then??

    • I could pay my monthly housing obligation with that money. He drops my entire monthly housing payment – 43,200 minutes of living – on 20 minutes of whore every month.

      No wonder he does poorly at his finance job. He is clearly terrible at applying both basic mathematics and deductive reasoning in his life.


  • Hes been “snipped” too so that means that he’s having unprotected sex with his soft cheese luvah! Then he goes home and exposes his wife to a plethora of STIs. Oh no wait, soft cheese is a dutiful nanny when she’s not accepting money for sex! No worries though because he can tell by looking at her that she is healthy.

    Hmmmmm where have I heard that before? Oh right from my ex. When I asked him when he earned his medical degree he told me she never cheated on her husband before and he knew this because he didn’t think anyone else would have wanted her. Pretty sure my jaw literally hit the ground after that assertion.

    I do so love that they’re married now!

    • Yep, my cheater was SO sure that there was nothing to worry about STI-wise because his MOW assured him that she had “never done this before.” Turned out she had “done this” quite a few times before with random bar hook-ups. Thanks, Fucktard.

    • Yeah, that’s how I got the STI, the sweet elementary school teacher couldn’t possibly have given it to him.

    • After the 3X divorced, 15 years older, professional Divorce Attorney OW contacted me to tell me she’d been having a secret affair with my husband, literally the first thought I had was how the risk of STDs could hurt my pregnancy (I was about 18 weeks pregnant).

      I was told by my now ex-husband to stop being “so dramatic” because one of her ex-husbands was a Marine and they get tested for STDs so obviously everything was absolutely safe.

      The idea that my unborn child’s health was dependent upon some random guy I’ve never met is mind boggling. He wasn’t even the most recent ex-husband. These people are really sick.

      And my ex says she was “cheating” on him and she said that he was “cheating” on her. It sickens me that my health and my unborn baby’s health NEVER crossed the minds of these abusive “adults”. He greedily persuaded sex with me until the OW exposed their affair. He knew I never, ever would have wanted to have taken any risks, considering he was the only man I’d even kissed since my teens. Infidelity is abuse. Infidelity hurts the betrayed (and their unborn children).

  • This is exactly how cheaters think. After things blew up, my ex even said a few similar things to me to rationalize his choices. They are not normal. They are entitled. They lack empathy. They only have one concern…themselves. Good riddance.

  • 5:05 P.M. I put my tools back in my toolbox. I just finished rebuilding an elderly woman’s transmission and she showed me a picture of her dog in his new sweater when she picked it up.

    5:25 P.M. Picked up my girlfriend’s daughter from band practice and dropped her off on my way home. Her Mom doesn’t get home from work for another hour.

    5:45 P.M. Got home, took a shower, heated up some leftover chicken, then sat down in my E Z Boy chair and turned on the news.

    7:15 P.M. Talked to my girlfriend on the phone for 30 minutes and listened to her complain about “That Bitch at Work.”

    7:45 P.M. Made my lunch for the next day, then folded some socks that were in the dryer.

    8:45 P.M. Texted my girlfriend some romantic shit then told her Good Night.

    8:48 P.M. Read her text back to me stating how wonderful I am and thanking me again for picking up her daughter.

    8:50 P.M. Sent her a kiss emoji.

    8:55 P.M. Went to sleep.

    • Now I’m crying at my desk. Gratitude and decency and folded socks for the win.

    • And you have a much better life than the fucktard who wrote that article. Good for you and the girlfriend who appreciates you.

    • Love this ^^^ It reads so similarly to my pleasant days, except the X would be texting to ask if I really was where I said I was, and doing the simple things I was doing.

    • SDC, after living 16 years with a loud-mouth, always some drama male-whore, I love coming home and doing that. Life is good in the “fast” lane.

  • NYC is full of these fuckwits with this exact mentality, both male and female. They believe they’re sophisticated (or evolved) and above the great, unwashed Puritans who they come home to and pat us on the head for our old fashioned values and devotion. We should be grateful they put up with us and keep us around to tend to the family unit while they seek the excitement they feel entitled to.

  • Wow. He should have his dentist give him an STD check, too. Heaven only knows what’s lurking in his gumline. EWWWW.

  • “New York” magazine has won many awards and gone through more than a few transformations since it’s founding in ‘63. Some good, some Rupert Murdock (‘68 purchase-take that as you please.)
    Just as The Grey Lady and Oprah have been (OK, for the PC crowd please skip the next couple sentences because I do know you don’t wake up in the morning to be offended…”really!”) ass fucked by faux “authors,” it appears this article with Brie-really? BRIE? Oh c’mon! I expect better than 80’s porn courtesy of a horny 15 yr. old generated from a Queens basement from you! is yet another incarnation of “butt, buttt, but! I meant…” a la Stephen Fry. Anything from neekid Hollywood has-beens to this piece of shit to sell copies.
    Call Oprah: She can interview this “author” behind a screen of creatively arranged adipose tissue. Meanwhile, “Brie” melted into a congealed mess after being “Left out in the rain…I don’t think that I can take it, cuz it took so long to make it..I’ll never have that recipe again! OH NOOOOOOO!”

    My skepticism is eclipsed only by my hilarity when someone thinks fiction from some wannabe is Fact.
    The Desperation so reeks off this article it’s circling the drain in search of another fluid to abscond to that black hole of infinity-and other septic tank “inhabitants.”
    At least they don’t have to suffer the indignities of zoning while being contained with other anerobic organisms-only to leech or be leeched into a Field of Dreams.

    PS: I read this article to my cat. She snored through the whole damn thing: Two paws down, apparently. Full Disclosure: She’s a damn ruthless feline with a proclivity to morning naps after screeching at me just out of reach at first light. And her name isn’t Brie: I wouldn’t insult any living thing-or dead thing with such inanities.

    • I had the same reaction. Pure fiction and piss poor fiction at that. I think it sounds like it was written by a woman because because “he” concentrated his details on the wrong stuff for it to have been written by a man. If a man wrote it he’d be going on and on about how long SHE went down on him and how big his cock is and how she moans and carries on and has to have it. 15 minutes of going down on her? No way. 12 minutes of sex? Hahahahaha that is clearly fiction. And a dude as shallow as this who isn’t impressed with his friend finding an anal buddy? Nope, not buying that either.

      • Let’s hope the writer doesn’t give up his job at the 7-11 to pursue a dream of writing the next big novel.

      • You nailed it, shallow disordered guys rather than be disgusted are proud of “nailing her in the pooper” and if his buddy was going on about how great it is, he’d be trying to get Brie or his wife to do it.

        Also straight guys would NEVER discuss getting pegged — too related to homosexual activity.

        • LOTS of holes – orifices – in this plotline. IF the writer really is a stockbroker, it’s easy to see why the markets aren’t “good to him”. MATH, much? Arriving in the hotel room at 5:30 doesn’t allow for 15 minutes of cunnilingus AND 12 whole minutes of sex to finish with a 5:42 shower. And if a house in the crime free ‘burbs AND a weekend place in the Berkshires doesn’t spell rich, nothing does. This was definitely “Beavis & Butthead Write a Porno.” But the fact that it mirrors behaviors of many of our working-class real-life cliché cheaters just shows the shallow stupidity of it all.

  • I am ashamed to admit, mine told me for years that married men check out dating sites – just because they can.
    He was SO PROUD of the fact that he never “contacted” anyone, like that was proof of his fidelity.

    HPV and OW later, I’m not so sure. BUT OF COURSE, it is all my fault.

    That’s what is nice about this place. You can admit your chumpiness and not feel alone in your >> derp!

  • Wish that I had donned the hazmat shit before reading this. I had just gotten up, having spent the last few hours ruminating in bed about how my ex-husband not only cheated on me but also conned me (trying to figure out how he could legally screw me for months if not years. Like the sleazy OP, he hired prostitutes–with the money that was supposed to go into our kids’ college fund. Altso, thought about boyfriend/purported friend of decades telling me that he loved me throughout our relationship, then hearing him say, ‘I don’t see you in my future,’ then half an hour later, ‘I love you’ WTF? and later our relationship ‘has run its course.’ I really wish that he had said before we got intimate, ‘RSW, I truly care about you enough to refrain from getting involved with you because I think if you as a cheap disposable toothbrush that I will throw in the trash after a couple of years.’ Need a vomit bucket now.

  • Finding time for gratitude:

    This UBT really made me laugh this morning- so grateful!

  • This guy sounds like he has a MISERABLE existence and hates his life. He has back problems, doesn’t like where he lives, doesn’t seem happy in his career. So what does he do, turn to sex to try to distract him from his pathetic life. What a low life. I bet you, he hasn’t let his wife in on ANY of his thinking and she is completely unaware of the type of scumbag she is married to.

    • Feel sorry for dirtbag’s wife. This story reminds me of Wall Street, especially Gordon Gecko, except dirtbag isn’t as successful.

  • I’m sure Brie has enough bacterial cultures between her legs that she’d be able to ferment cheese from milk.

    A few years ago, before becoming a mom, i would spend my off hours sitting near Central Park or Bryant Park and just people watching.
    There’s a tower at Columbus circle named after a supposedly rich serial cheater. The ground level of this tower is home to a very expensive bar/restaurant.
    I saw not once, but every flippin day, average looking (ie: not handsome, balding, physically shabby) men pulling up in their chauffeurd private cars and waiting by the entrance…check their phones…a yellow cab would pull up and out pops an early 20s waif, usually dressed in a nearly-butt-covering sequined sheath dress with strappy stilettos. They’d shake hands and enter the bar…usually to leave 20-30 minutes later and go separate ways.
    Same playbook around Bryant park with it’s many expensive but crappie hotels nearby.
    It was a revolving door or catalog bride types sidled up with pudgy businessmen between the hours of 4-7pm…gotta catch that metro north or lirr.

    He’s being gypped btw, midtown hotels are around $150/night, unless you rent at a 5 star…which i doubt they do. More like quality inn on 46th street (150).

    Also, fuck his whining. Chappaqua is where the Clintons reside, houses *start at* 650k and easily have 20k property tax. I actually got married in the township (1st marriage), since i used to attend a church there with family. Beautiful place, and untouchable except for the extremely rich! Evidently full of liars and cheats. Disgusting.

    And he’s guaranteed not using condoms. Like this narc fuck over here once said…
    “Yeah, we visited prostitutes when i was deployed in UAE, but they were Eastern European women who were there to work, so it was ok…i didn’t catch anything, they were clean”. Then admitted to giving oral to a whore and being diagnosed with geographical tongue ????????????????

  • I remember this from before. This is positively sickening. I think what pisses me off more than anything is the absolute audacity and hubris of someone thinking only of themselves. This sicko’s wife deserves a lot better and so do his kids.

    What’s most revealing of his utter all-consuming narcissism is referring to his children as “my spawn” and his wife as “the” wife. I hate that dehumanizing, devaluing expression, “the wife.” My Cheater when blameshifting insisted “there was no room for ME in THE relationship.” no, that would have been “OUR relationship” !! it’s not a “the” and a person is not a “the”. All the while boinking many women whose houses he was remodeling, two former girlfriends, and go knows who else that he was filming on a secret motion activated webcam in our house. Long before I knew all that, it used to bother me that he would introduce me to people as his “partner.” And all that time, almost 20 years, I introduced him to people as “my boyfriend.”

    Language reveals a lot.

  • ‘The’ wifey = wife appliance = an object

    Having sex with your partner it is implicit that consent rests on the relationship being exclusive.

    When the Chump finds out it is as though they were raped.

    That tells you all you need to know about this particular misogynistic waste of organs.

  • Truly narcissistic losers..they should all catch a deadly
    STD & end up alone.

    Feel sorry for the wife ????

  • New Friday challenge: give your cheater and their affair partner a candy coated name…. “he was the limp Twizzler to her Ho-Ho”. “She was the Dingdong to his Mr. Imagemanagement Goodbar”.

    • My ex would step out of the shower, use soap, and STILL smell like musty Fritos.

    • There’s almost too much to choose from. Butterfinger? Zero? Mounds? Air Heads? Jawbreakers? Blow Pops? I wouldn’t know where to begin.

      • Half the fun is zeroing in on it. I’d imagine narcs as a bag of the mystery Skittles. Sometimes you get a cherry flavored one (lovebombing) but then randomly after a few delicious ones you’d pop a vomit or earwax flavor (rage and/or pity channel). I wonder if Skittles ever made a (sad-)sausage flavored one?

      • Payday is a good one yet the Limited wants the Ho to support him. Guess a HoJo hotel made that apparent.

      • I don’t think I’ve ever hated Little Debbie Snack Cakes as much as coupling them with a cheater in my mind ????????
        When i used to tell fuckwit off i would always call one of the chicks he had a boner for “sugarplum”.

  • Wow! This guy is really playing the role of Charlie Sheen from Wall Street – Master of the Universe”- big swinging dick. Well we know where this is headed. Boom! This is the sort of guy who will miss alimony and child support payments and let his family live In Squalor to keep up appearances. My life seems so much more sane now that my sons father is out of my life. Happy to be past the drama!! Hugs CN. Workin on my guy picker!

    • Actually, I’m willing to bet you could do the “Dominant Mistress Blake” routine with him in stockings, silky panties and a ball-gag along with a cat-o-nine tails, and never have to get close to him. He’d probably pay you double!!!

  • The term wifey sets me off. When I went through all the shit I realized exasshole had stopped using my name a long, long time before – he called me ‘hon’. His emails all started with ‘hon’. I even looked at some old cards and they were addressed to ‘hon’. All his emails to his OW were addressed to ‘hon’. These missives were often identical to ones he sent me. Women are just props in his life movie, who they are doesn’t matter, only what they can do for him.

    PS: no ones pussy smells like cotton candy unless you buy this;

    PSS: I started to say it’s not possible, then I realized someone probably came up with a product so I googled…sigh

    • That link has an amazingly funny review— “If your using this to mask the odor or taste of whatever it is you may be doing…you’re in luck. Close your eyes and imagine you’re at a carnival. This is spot on cotton candy taste. Disclaimer: if you are indeed using this to mask a smell or odor, please reconsider your life’s decisions. You’re better than that ????”

  • Honestly I know this is all so tragic, but humour helps and you folk are just the wittiest people I know!

  • The whole thing may well be fiction, but if the gullible dude wasn’t married, I’d say “Brie” quite deserved the $600 for putting up with 15 minutes of him gobbling her “cotton candy” and then 12 minutes of him pumping away on top of her. Hilarious that he truly doesn’t see that she’s a hooker and he’s nothing more than her every-other-Tuesday John.

    Gullible dude doesn’t see that most likely, “Brie” is eventually going to start demanding a whole lot more than $600 or else she tells the wife appliance all about these little “dates.” Of course, nothing about this is funny for the wife and kids, until she takes the gullible dude for everything he’s got in the inevitable divorce, hopefully well before Brie ups the ante.

  • I find it interesting that he only refers to his wife as “the wife” or “the wifey”, like she’s not a person, just a role or a prop in his story. (When my ex used to mention me in conversation, I only ever heard him say “her”, or “she”, never my name at all. He does the same with his new wife/the OW. Not that I communicate with him much.)

  • Reading this makes me want to punch this dude in the face. I hope his wife reads the Times, and if so, I hope she was able to connect the dots.
    Brie. Wow. ????

  • This perfectly describes how the disordered compartmentalize every aspect of their life. It’s never about Love it’s about management.

    In one compartment he has the wife and kids; the next his cotton candy pussy; then there’s the job he apparently sucks at; then there’s sleep.

    For me this highlights both the awareness and calloused disregard of every aspect of his life. He’s a victim who uses one compartment to justify having others.

    If ever there’s a reason to leave a cheater this is a perfect example of how a Cluster B operates. I’m leaning on believing many we call narcissists are sociopaths.

    Believe, they are well aware of what they are doing.

  • Hmm. I’ve been called ‘the wife’ the years.

    Better than what he kept trying to call me before: “Mother”.

    • Bah, wish I had an edit button. If you’ve ever heard of Bojack Horseman, I swear the character Princess Caroline summed up my marriage: “You just want a mommy you can slide your d*ck into.”

      • No, he was just attached at the hip to mommy until she passed away. It was a running gag in the family that she was his first wife and I was his second.

    • I’ve always wondered about calling their wife, “mother”
      Old movies and such always wondered about that…

      Also the “wifey” thing. Never addressed me as “wifey”, but occasionally he would post on Facebook about me. I never liked it, but among all the other things he did which was wayyyyy worse, I’ll keep this at the bottom of the list

  • My name was NEVER in his phone. It was a letter. Guess when the OW sees a letter they wouldn’t imagine it’s the wife.

  • I hope Brie is a Bunny-Boiler! I really want to read part two where everything goes to shit because Brie is mental and wants more than $600.

  • Unbelievable this POS thinks he is SO special that he can screw a whore while his wife is home taking care of the children. Bragging that he had a vasectomy and rides bareback. No thought that he might infect his wife with an STD. Spending more than $1200 a month to get his rocks off. I hope screwing a hooker will be worth it when his wife finds out. But, I am sure if the wife finds out he will blame her.

    • It will be her fault for being “tedious” and not getting up at 4:45 to give him a blow job before he leaves for work.

  • I didn’t raff through all the comments – but did anyone else notice how appropriate his text to her was? See you next Tuesday? C U Next Tuesday!! Haha

  • The sad thing is, every time I see someone eating cotton candy I’m going to be reminded of Brie, or if I have some of this cotton candy flavored grapes, Brie!


  • I’m in my 40s but my job puts me in the company of a lot of young women. I’m shocked at how many of them talk openly about seeking out sugar daddies. And it’s not out of desperation. They aren’t one step away from the street. They’re young career women who earn a living wage. But they want a wealthy older man (physically attractive though) to “spoil” them. They want to be wined, dined, fucked in expensive hotel rooms, taken on trips, and if not outright supported then given luxury material goods and a spending allowance in exchange for services rendered. Most of them don’t care if the guy is married or not, some of them say a wife is a perk because that helps keep it all business.

    It’s hard to hear about, these young women are so shallow and materialistic. How gross to be a jaded career mistress by age 30.

    • #LifeGoalsofTheNEWWoman

      So gross.
      At my age and with my experiences under my belt, I’ll be happy if next BF actually unloads the dishes without being asked, or takes me out on a date to the IHOP much less a fancy hotel.
      I’m not saying I wouldn’t like to be taken care of, provided for, spoiled by a man, just not a married man.

  • I love this “I’ve been doing this for 20 years; you’d think I’d be used to it. You’d also think I’d be richer.” Yeah, you’d be richer, if you were doing what your fucking job is and investing that $1,200 a month. A interest bearing account maybe, and not stuffing it in her cotton candy pussy! What an absolute fuck!!! I used to love cotton candy! And Brie! ????

  • Interesting!! When he called his wife “the wife” until I he was in bed “my wife”. I read a message from my Mr. Cheater pants telling a FB whore/friend that … “He was not going to leave “the wife” (aka me appliance wife that “thing” that take care of his kid) & ruin kid’s stability.. (so kind).

    All cheaters are the same. My ex took howorker to Vegas like a year before I discovered his last affair but when I called her whore & twat the day I confronted him he got upset with me since she is “his whore” by default a Saint. He told me: ” Do not call her that way!!! ” WTH! Idiots!!! They just suck our energy & blood & then leave!!

  • ” In the hotel room, I always go down on Brie for as long as she lets me. Today it’s about 15 minutes.”
    I picture Brie lying there bored during the 15 minutes, her cell phone held up above this idiot’s head where he can’t see it, texting her next John that she’ll be a few minutes late and maybe snapping a few selfies to post on her Instagram account.

  • The writer of this one is gross.
    Smarmy, arrogant, pretentious piece of shit.
    The article just illustrates how yet again cheaters come in all shapes, sizes, forms, levels…
    Makes me sick.

  • What a chunk of trash!
    My cheater said he kept it categorized in his head. He somehow thought that made it ok. There was wife time…whore time… Him time… Work time… On and on.
    So shallow.

    • Compartmentalization. It’s the hallmark of a psychopath. Your cheater is somewhere on the spectrum. At the extreme end of that spectrum are serial killers – the very best at compartmentalization.

  • “Cancel my afternoon appointments, Marion. I have a meeting with a Milk Dud.”
    Uh, I think Brie is having a PayDay.

  • So gross!! After I discovered my ex BF was lying and cheating, I also discovered his profile on My mid forties BF was soliciting for 18 year old girls!!! He also had a gallery of smiling photos up…no concern of being seen and recognized.

  • Regardless of how much she takes home, let’s look at Cheater here. Pay attention, you Chumps whose spouses are paying for their sex. This is a lesson in financial infidelity.

    Twice a month at $600 a pop. Don’t look at how much Brie actually makes on the sex. The salient fact is that Cheater is paying $1200 per month for less than half an hour of activity (because 12 minutes is his max). That’s $14K per year on just ONE prostitute, er, “nanny.” That’s $14K to take the wife and kids on a big vacation. That’s Junior’s orthodonty. 10 years and you could have enough for 4 years of tuition at a swankier school.

    Dear Cheater’s Wife. Dump his ass.

  • He refers to his wife as “the wife” like one would say “the blender”.
    This douche doesn’t see people, just props in his fabulous life story (that was so fabulous he had to tell the world about it)

    • When his wife finds out about ” the cotton candy pussy skank”…..she’ll clean his sorry ass out and kick his potentially STD infested dick to the curb. Not if she boots him….”WHEN” she boots him! He had it coming!

  • No wonder this guy is so tired. I can’t even imagine trying to keep up with a wife, children, work and the bimbo. Sounds like way too much work for me.

  • “Whatever floats your boat, brah.”

    Any middle-aged guy that uses “brah” is a complete fuckwit. Reminds me of the asshole investment guy on Breaking Bad.

    Actually any guy of any age that uses “brah” is like sooo totally basic, brah. Basic AF…

  • This piece of shit forgot to mention putting his wife and kids at risk with STDs, STIs, HIV, skin infections, parasites (from Brie and her cotton candy pussy). Men like him need to be castrated.

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