Dear Chump Lady, Am I an insensitive jerk because my husband wants to date?

This one is a classic from right out of a cheater’s handbook. On DDay #1, my ex asked me why I dumped him 18 years ago? WTF? How the hell am I supposed to remember that? Apparently this bastard carried that around with him and very conveniently used it that night. On DDay #3, I too got the list that wrapped around the world…. going back to 14 years ago when I fed my brothers and father before I would feed him, while he was saving money for a house, I was spending like crazy etc. when he was done with his list, I was stunned. It took that moment- that exact moment for me to realize that I was living with a stranger… a monster… and there was no turning back. The next morning I began packing. These articles give me strength because there is so much truth to them. I’ve saved this one to Pocket and read it a million times over the last year. I wonder how you are now PRL?

I’m not good a tecchie stuff, but in 27 Nov 2017 New Yorker there is a brilliant article called’Looking for the root of human cruelty’. It is worth reading the whole thing,as it covers so much, but the most eye-opening bit for me was when it quoted ‘Virtuous Violence’ by Fiske and Rai ‘People are impelled to violence {or other cruelty} when they feel that to regulate certain social relationships , imposing suffering or death is necessary, natural, legitimate, desirable, condoned, admired and ethically gratifying.’ The point is that for some people, especially sexist men, cruel behaviour often reflects the desire to exact a just vengeance or teach someone a lesson. I suddenly realized that this was why my ex felt completely justified in being unfaithful. I had once forgotten to say ‘well done’ to him when he won a prize (though I was there watching and clapping) so his infidelity (with dozens of women) was a just punishment. And he was still morally in the right. Because these cruel bastards always want to feel they are ‘good men’ too, and be admired by their friends.

Where I live, in the south, there are old houses scattered about that were around before cars. They were around before paved roads. Those houses were on trails, or beat up roads, when people traveled by horse or wagon. Good hearted people had a room oh the side of the house where the traveler could come in for the night and find a clean bed. The room was locked from the rest of the house and the people inside might not ever see the person who used the bed that night. These places were called Travelers Rest. I hate using that analogy for you but that is what you are. You are the one that leaves the door open so he can come in and find a place to rest. Emotionally he keeps the door locked to the rest of the family. Even though he might move in and out of the rest of the rooms he is as separated from you as those unknown travelers. You need to accept that he is in love with another woman. Totally and completely in love with another person. You are in essence a housekeeper. The Travelers Rest lady of the house who knows there’s someone moving in and out of that room but has almost no connection to them. Don’t live that way anymore. It’s robbing you and it’s robbing your children.

Just a few observations:
If someone wants to bring up some event he/she imagines happened in grade school or high school, or MAYBE some version of it happened some time long ago — and SINCE that time he/she decided to be in a relationship with you anyway — TOO BAD! SO SAD! Next subject, never mention this drivel again. Ever watch Judge Judy? If you “reconcile” — you cannot bring up previous behavior. You reconciled your sunk costs, or the bad times, when you move forward. Seriously — what is wrong with someone who holds a grudge for a high school breakup? Oh, and by the way, YOU are not responsible that HE/SHE did not date much. Maybe he/she was as repulsive then as he/she is being now?

If someone has a laundry list of grievances, offer to write up your own list, and you can exchange them at the table when you are signing your divorce papers. Ought to be great fun. Seriously? How adolescent can someone be?

If someone becomes obsessed with “doing” a sexual thing you have considered and have made it quite clear you do not want to do — that OCD pervert has been watching too much porn, or has heard one of his friends did that, or maybe has had that done by some hooker or OW wannabe. Obsession is not healthy. Having fun having sex is not that difficult. It doesn’t require much in the way of props, or even the same specific actions all the time. Those of us who have lived with a partner with ED certainly learned that things we may have enjoyed were “not going to happen” again. If you cannot bear to have sex unless you get THAT ONE THING that you want, and you cannot find a way to get over it, I suggest checking into a celibacy center and even avoiding masturbation — because sex is never about just THAT ONE THING!!!

Crying over another partner while still married to me? I think not. Go somewhere else to cry. Give me the address so my lawyer knows where to send the papers. Goodbye. Thanks for letting me know you are a complete idiot, and there is nothing to redeem. Have the sad, sad, life you are determined to have. Good luck with that, maybe the next potential soul mate will want to hear all about your poor social skills, and that darn bad luck.

Please, please, please get out of there. I lost 39 years of my life on a cheater that I will never get back. I truly loved him. I worked 80 – 100 hours a week and provided 70% of the income, ironed his shirts, paid all the bills, cooked all the meals, cleaned the house by myself, helped finance a failed restaurant that he opened because people at work didn’t respect him because of the sexual harassment charges filed against him
and the list goes on and on. I was a chump for years (found inappropriate cards co-workers had sent him, saw a journal where he said he had kissed a co-worker, he was charged with sexual harassment at work from 3 different women ( 2 when my Mom had just died), saw inappropriate text messages from women I didn’t know. There was always an excuse and since his employer (SCDHEC) did nothing, I believed him. In January 2015 he went to work for another SC state agency. By March 2016 he was having an affair with a twice married (twice cheated on her husbands co-worker). In June 2016. I found questionable receipts but of course he had an answer. In July 2016, I caught him texting at 11:30 at night and when he wouldn’t tell me who he was texting, I knew it was time to cut his ass loose. I kicked his ass out the next day, changed my locks the following day and put all his clothes in the garage. It took me several weeks to figure out who he was having an affair with. Once I discovered it was a co-worker, he immediately filed a restraining order on me from contacting his employer. His employer did nothing (he was the CFO/COO and she was under another supervisor, I actually received a threatening email from her supervisor) Thank God, I divorced his ass in February 2017. Unfortunately since SC is a no fault state, he got half of our assets. I have only had contact with him three times since then, once when I told him to come get his shit before I threw it away, once for the sale of a house we jointly owned, and unfortunately this weekend at our daughter’s engagement party where he whined to her that he felt left out and people said he looked sad. (karma?) Hopefully after my daughter’s wedding, I will never ever have to have any contact with him ever again. Please get away, a cheater will always be a cheater and they will ruin your life!!!!!!!!

I was told “You should wear more makeup”. Mind you, I have never worn makeup. I was a farmer, milking cows twice a day, feeding calves etc. 2 months after we married, I had to write a check for $10,000 to an employee who was threatening to file sexual harrasment charges. EX begged forgiveness and said it was because he was drunk. I chose to believe his shit. 22 years later, after adopting 3 adolescent boys, buying our dream farm and generally feeling like we had “made” it, I discover he had fucked at least 4 neighborhood male farmers, (3 had wives and families), was addicted to gay porn, was on Craig’s list looking for hookups and to top it off, my nephew came forward with the horrifying news my EX had molested him. He is a perverted predatory lying monster! But yet still has the nerve to play the victim. I have struggled terribly with my stupidity at not seeing who he was, sorrow for my nephew and believing if I had worn some makeup it would have fixed everything. I must forgive myself, but he plays pathetic and tells anyone who will listen that I gambled and embezzled all his money. Accepting that I gave 22 years of what I call gravy time (diagnosed with stage 3 cancer 1990) to a person who presented himself as straight but somewhat uninterested in much sex, is overwhelming at best. Our marriage was doomed from the beginning and it was based on total lies. FUCK! I am finally away from him (divorced 5 months), completely NC and am crawling out of the hole, but it has been soooo f-ing hard. Thank you, thank you, thank you Chump Nation! Freaking Makeup!

I got a whole different spin when my cheater gave his reasons for cheating. I was told I was a great wife, mother, housekeeper, etc., but I had placed him on a pedestal and he felt like he had to be perfect all the time! It was apparently too much for him after 38 years of marriage! Also I was told his affair had “nothing to do with me or how I was as a wife”! So where do you go with that??? I decided the attorneys office was a good place to start! Ha! Ha! Ha! I don’t miss him (he is deceased now) or marriage a bit. I’m quite content at last!