Dear Chump Lady,
I’ve been binging on Reconciliation Industrial Complex material for the last 3+ months, partially coming to my senses about my reality. My wife has still not ended it with the affair partner after 3 months. She still claims she wants this marriage and misses me so much but keeps “screwing it up”. Thank God we don’t have kids.
CL and CN have given me some fresh perspective that I have other options.
But there’s two things I can’t shake after my hopium and RIC binging:
1. That cheating is all but guaranteed in a marriage according to RIC statistics — (the lowest claims that 25% of marriages experience infidelity, with the highest claiming 75%. Holy Shnikeys!)
2. That if so many people cheat (let’s go with 30% of marriages), does that really mean 30% of people have a personality disorder?
So here I am, feeling a bit defeated thinking, “Well, the next person is going to just cheat eventually according to the numbers, so why not stick it through this since I have so much invested in her already?”
Instead of miring yourself in imponderables like “How many cheaters can dance on the head of a pin?” or “How many marriages experience infidelity?” — why not ask if this singular relationship that YOU Sketchguy are in is acceptable to you? She’s still cheating. How’s that working out for you?
The odds that your wife is a cheater are 100 percent. The odds someone else is a cheater? NOT 100 percent. As I’ve said here many times, you could swing a cat and hit someone better than your wife, just by virtue of the fact that person hasn’t cheated on you. (Although it might be hard to get a date after you just hit someone with a cat.)
Anyway, my point is — your investment sucks. I’m sorry about your sunk costs, but the way to win isn’t to keep toking on the hopium pipe and investing more, but to cut your losses and learn how to pick better stocks. (Around here we call that “fix your picker.”)
So let’s reframe this — You’re not going to stay with someone who deceives you, and makes unilateral decisions about your health and welfare, because the world out there is scary. NO. You’re going to learn to face the UNKNOWN. The unknown can be navigated with boundaries.
Let’s practice some boundaries now!
Mrs. Sketchguy: Hey, I’m just going out to get my nails done… and keep screwing up! LOL! Back tomorrow at 3 a.m. Don’t mind me!
Sketchguy says nothing. He DOES something. He gets a divorce summons.
That’s a boundary!
“Oh please don’t go! Haven’t we been over this before? I’m sick of this shit! Read this Affair Proof Your Marriage book with me instead! We have HOMEWORK!”
That’s the Pick Me Dance.
Sketchguy it all comes down on who you want to be. A guy who will dance to keep a shitty investment (her), or a guy who will walk if you treat him like shit.
I’m rooting for you to be the latter. And if you frame it that way, it doesn’t matter how many cheaters are out there in Scary World. What matters is YOU and your integrity. Maybe you cannot tolerate 75 percent of the world. (I have those days… don’t we all?) Don’t accept crap. Hell, don’t accept mediocrity. You are a stock that trades high! You’re a man who loves with his whole heart and is faithful! There are a hundred faithful chumps lining up here today for your number.
The RIC traffics in fear, in settling for crap outcomes, because all that dancing PAYS. You trying to control the uncontrollable means more fear-based book and DVD purchases. Here? We just traffic in pep-talks. YOU CAN DO THIS. Walk away.
Odds of a better life on the other side of a cheater? 100 percent. Guaran-fucking-teed.