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Dear Chump Lady, The OW wants $25,000

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Hi Chump Lady,

The OW keeps contacting my husband and says that she won’t go away until she “gets” something as compensation for her wasted time with him (and for revenge I suspect, as after 3 years, he chose me).

She wants a pay-off for going away. The past year she has sporadically contacted my husband and the weakling has met up with her a few times. He’s not strong enough to let her go, (she was the “love of his life” after all), so I need her to be the one to stay away.

She says she’s enjoying the drama too much and will leave us alone if we pay her $25,000. What do I do? I don’t want to pay her, but I also don’t want the texts and calls to keep coming. We need her gone to properly rebuild our marriage.

Emma

Dear Emma,

I’m going to assume here that you’re not trolling me, you’re strung out on hopium, and you’re hitting all the infidelity sites. You apparently haven’t read here before. (Please do.) Because if you had, you’d know that I’d bitchslap that insane idea to give an OW $25K right out of your noggin.

There is so much wrong with this letter I scarcely know where to begin. The Universal Bullshit Translator is willing to take a crack at it, however.

The OW keeps contacting my husband and says that she won’t go away until she “gets” something as compensation for her wasted time with him 

Your husband is still in communication with the OW, refuses to shut that shit down, and the OW is running an extortion racket.

Emma, if anyone deserves compensation for wasted time here, it’s YOU. (The financial outlay is known as a “divorce settlement.”)

(and for revenge I suspect, as after 3 years, he chose me).

You think you “won” the pick me dance. (First prize! Pay the loser $25K! And take home this giant stuffed fuckwit! Ding! Ding! Ding! We have a WINNER!)

Your husband didn’t “choose” you, he chose cake. He’s still clearly in his affair.

She wants a pay-off for going away.

Well, I want to stay in my pajamas and eat cookies all day. I want $25,000 to finish this column. Okay, I’ll sweeten the deal, I’ll eat an entire plate of cookies AND finish this column for $25,000.

People can demand anything. That doesn’t mean their demands are reasonable, or that you should accommodate them. (Any chumps in the divorce process? Read these sentences over and over.)

Is your cheating husband on board with this? Is he really freaked out about what might happen if he doesn’t pay? If yes, then I’d say you’re being blackmailed, and should call your attorney or the FBI to report this criminal conduct. For realz.

The past year she has sporadically contacted my husband and the weakling has met up with her a few times.

He’s still cheating on you. He’s not weak — he’s counting on YOUR weakness believing he’s weak. He knows exactly what he’s doing.

In any case, his continuing contact (she can call him, they meet up) means you’re NOT in reconciliation. You’re in some ring of hell. (But given my skepticism about reconciliation, same diff.)

He’s not strong enough to let her go, (she was the “love of his life” after all), so I need her to be the one to stay away.

You don’t control this. It’s not your job to police your husband’s “weakness” nor is it POSSIBLE. Let the two grifters have each other.

She says she’s enjoying the drama too much and will leave us alone if we pay her $25,000. What do I do? I don’t want to pay her, but I also don’t want the texts and calls to keep coming.

Please set your mind at rest. She’s not going away if you pay her $25,000.

There are many awful scenarios if you pay her $25,000 — going away is not one of them.

She enjoys the humiliation of making you pay her $25K while she fucks your husband/blackmails your husband/funds their new life together.

You pay her $25K and she makes new demands for money to not piss on your sidewalk, email your mother, send his workplace compromising photos… etc., etc..

See how that works?

We need her gone to properly rebuild our marriage.

You don’t have a marriage. You have a hostage situation. Spend that $25K on a badass lawyer for yourself and divorce this creep.

Send him to the OW. Perhaps she can harvest his organs for $25K, or hire him out as an indentured servant or something. Not your problem anymore. Good luck.

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Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • This is why I love Chump Lady; her ability to use “bitchslap” and “noggin” in the same sentence. Strong writing, and spot-on advice!

    • I just want to jump in here and say.
      When me and my husband/cheater were first married he had this ugly ho he hired as a ‘contracted’ employee. She was harassing me, the wife, because I had a job in a different part of the company at that time. I did not know at the time that I was being triangulated. But sparing the details, I told him to fire her. He wouldn’t he said he couldn’t cuz she was a contracted employee with a contract. Many yrs. later before new Howorker came on the scene, he ousted this HO and he said ‘she is suing my company for breaking her contract” Years later I see in the checkbook that she was paid off for 30K from his checking account ! and he found her a new job ! So obviously she made him pay her money to keep her secrets whatever she was doing with him – secret. I know she was trying to run me out of the company, yes even though my husband was ‘her boss’ she was trying to get me out of there ! I came to him with what she was doing to me and how he could condone this…not aware at the time that I was being triangulated because at this early stage I did not know what the hell was going on (that he was a narcissist and this was part of the narc playbook)..I just knew that this slut really was enraged when he would have lunch with me, his wife, etc. SO I suspect he had been getting bj’s from that dog with fleas and then she extorted money out of him so that she could go away ! Then onto the new Howorker! Now I see, he got rid of her to make way for the new howorker~ ! Got it. But all the Ho’s made out with payoffs Also this new Howorker never told me she was with my husband because I guess he learned from the past not to let your dirty laundry at work air out in the public…OR better yet, the new HOworker is not as unhinged as the last Howorker…this one kept it together as a secret with him because she wanted to win the prize…and was delighted that she might get him to leave me…..I’m sure he painted himself as the victim…i’m sure she never knew about the prior dog with fleas…

  • Emma, honey – this is the gospel truth. I know it hurts, but this is the sharp blow to the head you need in this situation.

    Join the forums, and read the archives.

    We are here for you.

  • This sounds like a con to me.

    Lets get Chumpy to pay us 25K on the pretense of her ‘winning’ then we will sail off into the sunset.

    Unbelievable!

    Shut this shit down. They are using you.

    • I completely agree. Another way to be a chump. Don’t let them financially chump you too Emma!

    • Yeah and let’s say the mistress does get paid $25K, does Emma really think that’s the end of his affairs. Her husband will likely continue porking other women. The marriage is over, he checked out a long time ago, there is nothing to save. The mistress wanting $25K is not the issue, it’s her husband who doesn’t want to be married anymore, if he ever did in the first place…

    • Yah, me too. I really LOVE the idea of contacting the FBI, though.

      Also, let the secrets be known, Big deal. Even if some of it wipes off on you.

      I’d start calling people too: anyone who knows OW and would disapprove: boss, her parents, her husband, her sister. her minister.

      Next: tell your husband to pay you the $25K, which is the start of your post-up.

      • Even better, lie and tell your husband you do want to pay her the $25K but only if you get the satisfaction of paying her yourself. (He may readily agree to spend the money if he thinks he and Schmoopie can play house with it after fooling you.) Then take that money straight to the most ball-busting lawyer you can find.

  • Lets see now — 3 years of “investment” as an other woman (all of the fun, nine of the responsibility) = $25,000. That’s roughly $8,000 per year.

    As the wife (all of the responsibility to go with whatever fun you may have eked out living with a Fuckwit), your rate goes up to $16,000 per year, and I’d say that’s lowballing.

    If you’ve been married 10 years to this pathetic invertebrate, that’s a minimum of $160,000 you’re due.

    I say, demand that from him on top of whatever the court decides is an equitable split, say “good riddance”, and find some island somewhere.

  • Why would you stay with someone who tells you an extortionist is the love of his life?

    Nothing to work with. Take 25,000 and tell him it’s your severance bonus and walk away.

    • Additional thoughts… telling you that he picked you, while leaving ‘the love of his life’ is… uh… it’s going to be torrential unending abuse toyou, because you will always be pick me dancing to fill that spot he has called out. Emma, you will always know he has already called you the second place. He has created a relationship where you will always know that none of it is good enough. And he is doing it in the guise of being the good guy who stayed so that you can’t even feel like you can talk about it. ‘He found his soul mate but he’s doing the right thing by staying with his family’ sounds soooooo altruistic. What a stand up guy. And he wants the ow to be emotionally ok too because he just cares so much… (sure. I’m certain his history just clears on his computer for banking security also. ) What is really happening is he is using this to make sure he is always on top. Always making you dance. You don’t even realize that he’s standing on your head with your teeth against the curb, do you? She is not the problem. She doesn’t want money she wants him, and for you to get sick of this. How does she know you can afford 25k? She’s been in more than his knickers.

  • Agree with EVERYTHING you said dear Chumplady.

    Dear Em, I’ll just add that whilst you’re saving the over $25 for divorce, get a restraining order on the OW for harrassment. Lock down the cheater’s access to all your money. Take your name off all his debts.

    Ta ta!

    • You cannot get a restraining order for mere harassment, no matter how annoying.

      Most states require a credible threat of violence.

      The purpose of EPOs and other forms of “restraining orders” is to prevent people from being hurt or seriously injured. The cops do not have time to prevent harassment.

      • It’s been my experience that cops will make a call to the harasser–it shut the shit down IMMEDIATELY.
        In my case I had received phone calls but there were also emails from her that I showed the cops—end of story.

        • Yes, if you have good cops, they will do this. Not all departments will do so.

          The best and safest advice is to go to an attorney and let them guide you.

          This is a situation where all of our advice doesn’t amount to as much as one hour with a competent attorney.

      • You CAN get a restraining order against harassment in Arizona ( an “Injunction against Harassment”).

        Ask me how I know? 🙂

        All it takes is two incident in a single year that “an ordinary person should find harassing”

        • You can also get a restraining order for harassment in Canada, and criminal charges to boot!

          I say, pay her the $25000 to take your piece of shit husband off your hands!

          • I’d say sell that eyesore husband to the Owhore for 25K ! Say he’s allllll yours for the low price of 25K….. Beyotch ! Tick tick tick. Time’s running out Owhore ! Hurry, red light special ! Get him while he’s hot….

        • Yes, and in WI you can get an order against “stalking” with only two incidents, again using the “ordinary person” standard.

        • During a attempted reconciliation, OWhore copied me in on 2 emails: one stating she was “waiting for [Chchchchump] to die” and one that “if [Chchchchump] dies, then Fucktard will get back with me”.

          BINGO! Gold standard evidence; OP granted in 15 minutes.

          • chchchchump
            you should have gotten Owhore on attempted murder. It sounds like a definite threat on your life…Do these dumb whores know who they are dealing with?
            They have to be some of the most conniving whores, but some of them sound like they are at ‘full capacity’

            • Oh, but we “clearly misunderstood!” and her sending it me was “a mistake – I never meant Chchchchump to received that! I was just processing by writing and ‘accidentally’ included it in my email!! REALLY!!”

              The real irony is that Fucktard also wound up getting an OP against her. By then – not my circus.

              • sounds like the old saying “when (he) lays down with dogs, he gets fleas”
                That’s what he gets for bringing in stray ‘cats’ to everyone’s life. You know these bitches “be” crazy !!!! LOL …these OW ho’s are definitely CRAY CRAY. They are not wound tightly that’s why they go for married men. Then think married men need them cuz sure as hell all the single ones RAN the other way knowing full well that these bitches are deranged. LOL

      • This is blackmail. Extortion.

        It’s a felony. Hard stop.

        Forget the restraining order bullshit. She has a sledge hammer to knock this bitch senseless.

        If the whore the X fucked tried this with me- I would do the Snoopy dance.

        I am a lawyer.

  • I really hope this is not real – it’s disturbing on soooooo many levels. Let this fuckwit go, stop being such a chump & move on with your life!!!! He is not the sparkly man you thought he was, and you deserve better. Read & re-read CL’s response, she’s right on target (as always).

    I’m going to go throw up now. 🤢

    • About what’s real and what’s not.

      It’s my experience that you cannot make up this shit. Sure, Emma could be trolling us, but if so, Emma doesn’t realize that this sort of stuff really happens!

      My CheaterX married his Schmoopie. In fact, that he would be so stupid as to have an affair with Schmoopie, an obviously gold-digger, is among the top reasons I’d never reconcile with him. That level of stupid deserves its rewards.

      Anyway, CheaterX and Schmoopie wasted no time to get married once I was out of the picture. I got a Sad Sausage voice memo from CheaterX, saying that Schmoopie was divorcing him. Apparently–get this one–she bugged the house(!) and picked up a lot of recordings of CheaterX making threatening comments. CheaterX begged her for the recordings, since by that time he was seeing a therapist and had no memory of saying these things.

      Of course, I did not respond because once I got away from the crazy, I felt no need to get sucked back in, but I was astounded by two things:

      1) Schmoopie said she’d bugged the house.
      2) CheaterX believed her.

      If it had been me that had been accused, I’d be saying, “proof or it doesn’t exist.” Dollars to doughnuts, though, that Schmoopie blackmailed him on a bluff hand so that she’d get something in the settlement. They’d been married less than a year before the divorce, and Schmoopie always did have her eye on the bottom line.

      I will say that in the years I was with CheaterX, he never physically or verbally threatened me. However, I do know he talks shit under his breath that’s mean and psychologically hurtful, though never violent in nature.

      You can’t make this shit up.

      • kb
        Oh, LOL that should have brought you such glee and delight that schmoopie is divorcing your XH
        that is too funny for words…I would be belly laughing and repeating what comes around goes around ! I mean if that is not your fantasy come true, I don’t know what is !!! That would make my F day. I’ll tell you what if anything bad happens to clam/golddigger ho, my life would be complete. And I hope I would hear about it so I could throw the biggest party of all parties

  • I see the plan for ‘settling’ for 25K differently:

    This is a strategic move on your husbands part to gain access to 25K of marital funds to continue his affair. The fact he is entertaining it and urging you to do so speaks volumes.

    Kick him the fuck out. before doing so, collect all the financials without his knowledge and consult an attorney. If he finds out you are doing this, I can guarantee more than 25K will disappear overnight.

    • We just wrote the same thing. We’ve been around evil freaks for too long. If we learned anything it’s that these cheaters steal money… they don’t pay money. I think he’s in on it. If this is real.

      • Yes! Ask him to chip in half to pay her off then take it to a lawyer and change the locus on the house!

          • Re changing locks—

            It’s time for me to repost this info, I haven’t in a long time.

            Get a locksmith to re-key your locks—you don’t need to change the actual knobs, etc.

            Far cheaper and just as effective 🙂

            But check with your attorney first, sometimes it is not legal to do so.

            • I believe in most states that’s considered an illegal lockout, if he can prove he’s lived there long term (like proof through mail received, etc). She could go to jail for this.
              Best to encourage him to move out, install motion detector cameras to see if he walks in and takes stuff, and when 30 days are up have locksmith change locks and keys.

            • Our son changed the locks on the house for me. I had them changed to the number code type, that way if I ever did have to give him the code, I could change the code again without spending more money on locks. When he found out he wanted the code and I told him no problem, as soon as he gave me a key to his apartment. He never brought it up again.

    • That’s it exactly. Especially if cheater is the one saying “oh she won’t go away, she wants $$$$” and Emma hasn’t heard it directly from the OW.

    • I see another possibility here too. Maybe OW actually “has something” on your husband that’s even worse than the infidelity you already know about, and thinks she can use it to extract $25K from him (think, knowledge of criminal behavior like drugs, tax evasion, illicit video making, etc.) to keep it quiet from you or the authorities. Some of these guys are capable of stuff they’d like to hide even more than the cheating (ask me how I know).
      It’s just another reason to start the divorce process (and do it the smart way — get your ducks in a line financially at the beginning, if possible). Read more on that subject here at CN.
      Welcome, hugs, and good luck — you can get away from him and you will NOT regret it!

      • Yup my cheater could have been thrown out of the military and lost his retirement (30 years worth of savings and medical coverage for life) if it had been disclosed with proof that he solicited prostitutes. Either something is scaring him MORE than you finding out about the infidelity, OR, like stated above he is just trying to easily get you to agree to dispersing $25,000 worth of marital cash toward his new life with the schmoopster. Think about that. He is going to drain the assets from the marriage prior to leaving you and filing for divorce so there is so much less to divide. My cheater would have been high on the duping me kibbles.

        • So here is a possible way to gain what I fondly call ‘leverage’. Why does he want $25K? If he needs pay her off, then you should have a legal document drawn up, by a real lawyer that is binding, in the case that this woman does not ‘go away’. The document should spell out very clearly that in case of a divorce, your husband will absorb the $25K with interest. Frankly, though, I agree with the posts above, he’s up to something and the best strategy is to suss that out and use it as a bargaining chip. I would do the detective work and figure it out without letting your husband know. Dig, you don’t have all the answers and I really think you are off the scent, which may be the point of it all. An keep your cards close to your chest. Even if you choose to continue in the marriage now, I think you need to start to get your ducks in a row, finding financials, copies to mortgages, bank accounts etc. I did for a year prior to my divorce and it paid off in spades. As my lawyer told me “you’re smarter than this, go home and figure it out”. I did. Took time. Totally worth it!

    • THIS!!! He’s setting up a divorce and diverting your joint assets toward his new life! PLEASE, see a lawyer. Please do not confide any of this to your husband. I think you are being taken for a huge ride.

      My former BEST FRIEND did something similar to her husband after a seven year affair. He fell for the charade and now he lives in a basement apartment while she lives in a million dollar home with her affair partner. AND, get this, the last I heard, (maybe about a year ago) was the ex-husband who was duped, lost everything, was still begging for this monster to take him back.

      Please…stay here and read the archives and all the horrid things cheating spouses are capable of. These are not normal people you’re dealing with and you need some help on your side. If you have 25k to give away, use it on a lawyer for yourself.

      • its a way to get the funds diverted to the whore which are really for their nest egg and the cheater. He’s pretending shes extorting it He’s in on the scheme. Just was not smart enough to set aside money for him and her like most cheaters. So this is a ruse. A ploy. The other woman is in on it. It makes her excited to have her married man be complicit with her. It’s making her feel that he really wuv’s her and that married man is serious about running off with her. Nothing says I love you my whore (OW) more than knowing that cheater married man would be willing to give her money for their wuv nest and to plan an exit plan from you !
        if it looks like a duck and walks like a duck, it’s a duck !

  • Is this for real? It feels like there’s no emotions in the letter. But maybe it is.

    I was watching the crime/scandal of Mr Bloomingdale the other day. The mistress filed a Palimony suit after he died and the wife fought her on court. She wound up getting murdred but after she died the court awarded her (the mistress) $200k.

    This lady is just demanding money directly from Emma? Get a restraining order or something. She’s insane.
    There’s not enough info to know what kind of man her husband is. He’s bold enough to have a 3 year affair But he’s also a gigantic p@ssy? idk about that. But if he’s like my husband, then it would be an elaborate scheme to have $25k willingly transferred to the other woman he was planning to leave me for.

    • ” He’s bold enough to have a 3 year affair But he’s also a gigantic p@ssy? ”
      To me, both go hand in hand. Sleazy coward.
      In my care, the Whore was after the whole farm, no less.
      Emma, I’m sorry about your situation. Your cheater is still cheating, your wreckonciliation is a sham, he insults you by calling her the love of his life while wreckonciling with you. You must protect yourself and your finances.
      But I am glad you wrote this letter. I think we need to hear more about the true nature of these APs. Blame the cheater spouse all you want, they deserve it. But so many of these APs a simply very ambitious whores who want a huge payout for a lot less work than being a professional sex worker.
      Finally, Emma, read The Gift of Fear on harassment and how to respond.

    • my husband Howorker was only after my husband’s money because she knows how much his salary is and she knows he has no kids, so she was after the MONEY…she’s a hag, nobody wanted her, she has no boyfriend, not before my husband not after….she has two kids, no husband…i’d say her husband kicked her slutty cheating ass to the curb and then she cried her crocodile tears to my husband for money and she had that clam to offer…she knew she could use it to her advantage. I would conclude that most AP don’t go for the single men that have nothing to offer, they go for the established men with money/careers and the thrill they have of breaking up a family then the cheater has no choice but to be with the whore because the loving wife has kicked his ass to the curb…so whore wins ! and takes all ! My advice to all whores “close your legs to married men”

        • Born Free
          I am totally laughing also. Good thing I have a sense of humor…LOL
          I also thought along with that line “you trash bag whore” I even thought of sending her a black garbage bag and suggesting that she crawl into it…LOL

      • Duped,
        You are oh so right. They only go after established men with salaries. So, get this. This is probably the crappiest decision that a large organization made. Where my H works, the company decided to publish all the internal salaries of the different jobs. No names were attached but someone could figure out who made what if they really wanted to. This is in an organization where a woman who makes $20/hr is working right beside a man who makes $150 or more per hour. It’s not rocket science that any HoWorker looking for a gravy train can put two brain cells together and figure out who makes what. HoWorkers can smell money. Seriously. They may not be able to keep a job, they may not have finished high school, they may have 4 different baby daddies, but these HoWorkers can smell a man with funds with their eyes closed.

        And when I saw the organization published the salaries internally, I was like, “what the F***? Do you seriously want to bring every herpes-ridden spouse poacher out of the wood work to rub their slimy, puss-filled, nekkid clams all over married men?” Seriously? Wives deal with enough crap because there are so many HoWorkers floating around. Then you incentivize the HoWorkers? Who ever thought of that needs to receive the Idiot of the Year prize. There is a Nobel Prize. Why not an Idiot of the Year prize? (Maybe there would be too much competition for the Idiot of the Year prize. It would take 100 years just to sort through one batch of nominees. That’s probably why it doesn’t exist.)

        Sarah

        • Sarah
          I am actually very very sickened that this average homelyHoworker (not that looks matter) but I’m being real, was able to schmooze up to my husband who was probably the most handsome in that company and very successful. In her alleged consulting business she ‘had to” work with the top guy in the company. There were tons of men that worked there but she worked very closely with my husband, to the point were they were emailing each other after hours. My story was a little different in that his friend (male) was in the same field in consulting as this HO and he actually introduced/talked HO up to my husband and then my husband hired her. In fact, what made it more sinister was that put HO in a great position to actually know one of my husbands friends (this satan male friend I just mentioned) that gave her an edge…she then had ‘inside information’ of whatever she wanted to know about my husband or me, directly from his lying scheming fuckwit male friend. This male friend came to our wedding and I thought he was nice UNTIL after our wedding, a few months after, my husband was running to a beach party, I was in passenger seat when all of a sudden big fuckwit male friend ran out and started cursing at me saying I was not welcome at this party….I went home. Never understood what was going on…in hindsight, from what I have learned and investigated, it was that same HO that screwed my husband all these years…that was renting that beachhouse. Yup, she put herself 2 miles from my home so she could f my husband. Her carefully laid (she laid alright) out plans started after that fuckwit friend introduced her to my husband. SHE knew right away she wanted him. Then going forward they ‘worked together’ for 15 years and kept it a BIG BIG secret. I read the emails after he died, and that fuckwit friend was bragging about that HO to my husband with the HO copied in. !!! That shows you the deceitful scheme with the backing of that fat disgusting male friend, that fuckwit, and when I read those emails, it sounded like she was the piece of ass for this fuckwit friend and he tossed her over to my husband. He was saying things like, “I knew she would pleasure you” “isn’t she great” …I am sickened by it. And to make matters worse, he saved the emails ! I pieced it alllll together. That same HO walked into hospice to see my husbands dead body…the nerve of that skank. She made of with marital assets….she hung in there all these years. And she knew my husband was fun and had a lot of toys to entertain her. All the while I was working my ass off this skank whore was taking money from my husband and trips and jewels, etc etc. she had it made….they never got to run off into the sunset though ! That’s the one thing that makes me smile out of all of this. I want to tell her: whore : the house fell in on you.! But that ho still maintains a job at my husbands employer and I am sure she still walks in with those saggy cow tits in sheer blouses and climbs on a new married man. I don’t think that whore should be allowed to maintain that great job there after having an inappropriate relationship with a married man. Somebody should be told!

          • Duped,

            Wow, that is a crazy story about husband’s satanic friend and the HoWorker and the beach house. If someone came out and swore at me and told me I was not welcome, I would start digging because it’s just not a reaction anyone who is a friend or acquaintance of mine has ever had. It would be so out of the ordinary that I would want to know what was really going on. But that is AFTER being Chumped. You did not know you were being Chumped at the time and had no context for this situation since this guy was an alleged friend and at your wedding. I feel terrible that this Ho made off with marital assets. You did not deserve any of what happened to you and it is such a mind-boggling story. Why the heck would someone carry on with a mistress for so long? Why wouldn’t they just leave? How can someone keep up an act for so long??!!!

            I think my ex and your husband probably knew each other. I mean metaphorically. Not only was the “HoWorker” who met my ex 10 years older than him, she was somehow able to manipulate him to beat the crap out of me, so that I would leave our house and she could move in. My ex knew that I have several deal breakers: NO CHEATING, NO HITTING, and NO LYING. My ex asked me to move out because he wanted to break up. And I said “no.” If he wanted to break up, he could leave and I would stay. I stood my ground every day for about three weeks and each day he swore there was no one else. He would not tell me why he was breaking up, which still surprises me.

            Anyhow, since I would not leave, he beat the crap out of me instead of just admitting he had been cheating for a long time. What a COWARD. She moved in immediately. I had to find out through mutual friends.

            She was also a consultant. And my ex and I worked in a large, software company together.

            The backstory was that she saw him at some networking event and announced to others around her that he would be hers. One woman said he was already taken and the OW licked her lips and said she loved a challenge. All the while, stupid me was working at the same company and this was somehow happening under my nose.

            Anyhow, he left me for a 5 foot tall, stocky woman from a different culture who was 10 years older than him and most likely wanted a VISA for her and all her family members.

            I do not look anything like her and was very much in shape and well-groomed.

            My friends have seen her photo and their unanimous reaction is: Is that a Halloween mask? No, that is her face.

            So, here is what I want to know– what kind of Jedi mind-trick voodoo do these women have that the rest of us chumps don’t have?

            (By the way, I have never cheated on anyone in my life– ever. It’s just not me.)

            What do these unattractive HoWorkers know what Chumps don’t know?

            I really want to know!!!

            Anyhow, I have one funny story. When I was cleaning out my stuff and boxing it up (when he was gone and I had male friends escorting me) I was looking through every nook and cranny at the house. I found a pair of REAL police handcuffs with a key. I had no idea these things existed along with another stash of ‘toys’ I did not know existed. So, I was like, “even if he says there is no one else, these toys are going to the dumpster. He is not allowed to go the the playground after the way he treated me.” And so I gathered up all his S&M gear and handcuffs (that I had NOT known existed) and I took great pride in throwing it into a smelly, industrial dumpster. I knew that if he were to tell people that I took his stuff, he would have to tell them what stuff I took. And if he did that, he would have looked liked the biggest dumbass at work and his false persona he had built was everything to him. I knew that the first person he would want to tell was his “mommy” because his mommy told him to ensure that I did not steal furniture as I was moving out. Seriously? For anyone who knows me, that would never cross their mind. So, he had actually told me that his mom said I would try to steal his stuff. (I had enough of my own stuff and it was 2 times nicer than his…) I did not steal anything or take anything. But, I did throw away his dirty toys and I know he would be itching to cry to his mommy that I stole his stuff. But, his mom was a straight-laced (alleged) Christian and so there was no way he could tell mommy. I still get such a huge laugh out of that. Well, that it what he got after cheating on me and beating me. He deserved much more, but I left it at that.

            So is there any chance you will call former coworkers and warn them about the HoWorker? I think you should. She should not get away with it.

            Sarah

          • PS-
            Duped, don’t know if my earlier comment went through. But, I wanted to ask you this. Were you there in hospice when she came in? Was your H’s death a relief to you or are you stuck with mixed-feelings? You went through so very much and I am just so sorry.

            Sarah

    • Just for the record, while I agree with everything you have said… PUSSIES are actually very strong! Pussies can take a licking, a pounding, and push a baby out. DICKS on the other hand, ring in the corner, shrink in cold water, and will suffer from the slightest flick of a pinky.
      PUSSY POWER.
      everything else… dead on. xx

  • I, too, thought I could save my marriage if I could make OW#1 go away (not by paying her but by forcing my husband to cut all contact). It worked so well, I was rewarded with OW#2 a couple years later.

    Which means that I lost another 2 years of my life…and even though OW#1 was gone, those 2 years were filled with a bad feeling in my gut every single day.

    • Even if we flushed their phones down the toilet, destroyed all the computers, and glued their fingers together, they’d still find a way to contact new whores.

      Sorry you trusted and got scammed by shithead again. I did too. It’s hard to believe it’s their character and I wish I trusted my gut rather than him.

      • This! You are left feeling so incredibly gullible, not just for trusting them in the first place for trusting them afterwards.

        • I will never date after this….such scumbags out there… don’t think there are any men that don’t cheat. really don’t. If you have the most fantastic guy that you have ever met then he diddles some nasty barnacle whore, if its just that easy, if all they have to do is admire him and he takes his clothes off, then what do we have roaming society.

          • Duped,
            I am with you. If I ever become single I do not think I will date. I am 100% sure that 100% of men who have been able to find a sexual partner have cheated on a sexual partner. But, most men define cheating differently than I do. I dated this guy in college who had Monday-Friday girls. He studied with a different girl on each day. Why? So he could get a blow job at the end. When I found out what was happening I told him that was infidelity. Of course, he did not believe me since they touched him and not the other way around. The guy was so stupid that he never got through his head why I broke up. He told all our friends I was cold and heartless. Apparently, he saw no difference between tea cozy’s and other women’s mouths. It was all the same to him.

            According to the way I define infidelity, I absolutely believe every man on earth has cheated. If a man does not admit to infidelity, it is because he is not judging himself according to my definition of infidelity. I talked with a retired sex addiction therapist. He had been a therapist for 50 years and told me straight up that 95% of men are cheaters. Boom.

    • Yes I thought I could shoo OW away but even if that had worked there were at least 2 others that I know of waiting in the wings. They always have multiple emergency APs just in case!

      • This is absolutely true. When I stopped trusting him and finally started digging, I discovered innocent yet frequent communications with at least three women. Nothing letting me know that he was in an affair with any of them but more communication than should have been going on for a married man with other women. One of those ended up proving to be OW#2. It just let me know that he was always priming women.

      • somebody told me that business men that travel for work actually get blow jobs on the elevator. If they meet someone on the elevator, they pull the emergency stop button and then that’s what occurs apparently. I was floored. You have to be a certain kind of woman to do that to a complete stranger. I guess, well, she would be called a whore, a prostitute, stormy daniels, whatever, whomever, but I guess that’s the world we live in. Go figure. That’s not the type of man I want. Yes, if he’s your guy that is a different story/ but a stranger? These HO’s come out of the woodwork. It’s rampant. Just ask any guy they will tell you how many crazy women there are out there.

  • Can this be a real letter???

    Assuming it is…
    If the OW texted, called or emailed Emma directly, Emma should go directly to the police and file a report and find out if it meets the requirement for a restraining order. If she is the recipient of direct communication, there is no reason to tell her ‘husband’.

    The reaction will tell her the truth about the marriage.

    If ‘husband’ is furious, outraged and defends the OW, then he’s emotionally aligned with the OW and there’s nothing left of the marriage.

    If he’s grateful that you took a bold step, then you’re married to a pathetic wimp but feel free to work on that marriage!

    It sounds like either way, you need to take a hard look in the mirror and decide what’s best for you and what kind of a marriage you want.

    I agree that spending the $25K on the best lawyer you can find is a much better investment.

  • Sell your husband to her for $25,000. Nah–that was for 3 years. How ’bout she gives you $100K and he is hers forevah?

  • OMG Emma,
    You do not mention any children.
    If no children and if you can afford to do this, have at it.

    Give cheater a sealed envelope with his and OW ‘s name on the outside. Show him the door, and when he leaves lock 🔐 it. Change the locks and don’t let him back in. Ever!

    Inside the envelope, when he gets to OW’s place they will find $12.5T for him, $12.5 T for her.
    A very good deal for you, if you can possibly afford it.

    I know this sounds so “stupid” ( I hate that word), but, my Lord, they are both so “stupid”.

    Seriously, good luck Emma.
    FORUMS=hope, help and sanity!!!

  • He’s told you she’s the love of his life? That right there should be automatic barr to reconciliation. You have nothing.
    Also, i 2nd the thought of this being a ploy to get joint marital funds out of joint accts… contact a lawyer today.
    Your turd of a coinhabitant is still fucking her. Meetups multiple times? Yepp, that’s a fucking. Don’t dare believe any other way.

  • “Perhaps she can harvest his organs for $25K”

    BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

    Thanks, I needed that belly laugh this morning!

  • Sounds like when my cousin told my uncle that the dope plants on my uncles property weren’t his. My Uncle immediately called the police and they ripped up the crop. I think my cousin cried for a very, very long time! Call the police. Sit back and watch the show!

  • “DEAR MELANIA, I’m guessing your husband has a long history of paying affair partners to stay silent. It is merely a new wrinkle on this old habit to involve you in the negotiations (I sense your husband may be prone to cruelty as well as infidelity). It’s what wealthy narcissistic serial cheaters do to avoid consequences. Also, there’s a very good chance that after paying the hush money a court could rule the agreement unenforceable.”

    But seriously, winners don’t pay losers. “You should pay me $25K for losing the cheater sweepstakes” is an example of your cheater mind-f*cking you with semantics, specifically, opposites (like, “I loved you the whole time I cheated with her,” “I groped my three subordinates at work because I have low self esteem,” “If you loved me you’d sleep with others in this group of swingers I’ve met,” etc.). I’d take out a protective order against either this crazy lady or your cheating husband ever speaking to you again. Absolutely no good can come from listening to this third-rate mind control bullish*t.

    Also, consider that getting your affair partner’s spouse to pay a large cash payout to “go away” is a great way to siphon off marital assets so the Twu Wuv Soulmates can start a new life together a few months down the line.

    • Spot on. This is a con and I would bet the cheater is in on it. You are right, though, about cheaters in certain tax brackets. They think they can buy their way out of all kinds of bad conduct. Unfortunately, they often do. Gretchen Carlson recently gave an interview about how confidentiality agreements and forced arbitration requirements often lead to the cover-up of years of sexual harassment by high wealth predators. I say let the truth shine through. Sunshine is, after all, the best disinfectant.

  • Everything about this scenario reminds me of middle school.

    As a result, I, like CL and some others, feel highly dubious about this letter’s validity.

    If the letter IS valid, then I can only say that the word for the day is “boundaries”.

    If Emma had any idea how to identify, communicate, and maintain boundaries, things would be very different. She wouldn’t have waited three years to be “chosen” or not “chosen” by a person who doesn’t mind destroying her for his own instant gratification and personal gain.

    She also wouldn’t think paying $25k os the only way to stop a person from texting and calling. Aside from CL’s suggestion to report the crimes of extortion and harassment, which is spot on, there’s also the simple act of blocking and reporting every single phone number and email, every single time. She likes drama? Cut off the supply.

    She also wouldn’t believe anything she didn’t hear herself, and from a person like this OW, if she wouldn’t believe what she did hear easily. Husband is the sole source of information about what’s happening because OW is calling/texting him? Well, he’s a proven liar, especially on the topic of the OW, so believing him is irrational.

    But most of all, she wouldn’t write and ask this question of CL, because she would already know the answer.

    $25k is a nice attorney retainer (post nup is necessary after a 3-year affair…) plus a lot of solid therapy. Get a lawyer and some training in boundaries, says me. Things will look pretty different from healthy grownup land than they do now in middle school husband land.

  • Every now and then CL gets a letter that reminds me just how powerful that hopium shit is.

    Emma-I am from the future and this doesn’t end well. I thought my ex “picked me” too. Well actually he did, way back in 1987 when we got married. You don’t get to choose your wife/husband again after you’ve cheated on her/him. That’s such a patently ridiculous idea I can hardly believe I fell for it when he told me he chose me. That “action” should have told me that he was “all in” ergo he didn’t have to do any real work during wreckconciliation….and believe me he didn’t.

    I don’t gamble but I would take all the money in my retirement accounts combined and bet the odds that your husband isn’t doing anything other than enjoying delicious cake at your expense. He loves that two women are fighting over him (cue the pick me dance routine) and he loves that you are so high on hopium. He’s still meeting with her (which by the way is code for having sex) and he doesn’t give a wit about your feelings during that process.

    Ask me how I know.

    Please, please, please don’t consider giving this wombat any money. It’s probably just a ploy with the both of them to steal marital funds. I know this all feels like a giant 2’4 to the skull but trust me, you need this. Take whatever funds you have available and go see a pit bull attorney and say nothing to your husband.

    You have nothing to work with here and the least of your problems is the OW and her blackmail. If you can prove it, report her to the police. Other than that put the hopium pipe down and contact a lawyer!

    • Emma, I will add my pension to Cheaterssuck’s bet. I, who also did the pick-me dance, who also wanted a husband and intact family, who also was friends with cheater’s family, who was married for 40 years. Cheater did not decline a share in my father’s inheritance, even though he had been cheating on me for decades before my dad died as I discovered. And his family, 95 % of it, turned their backs on me. I am so glad I am divorced and have my dignity.

      • clearwaters
        yeah, blood is thicker than water. These Mofo’s turned their back on me as well. They were complicit In the deceit is what I have deduced. OR his family was greedy and money hungry.
        don’t worry clearwaters, what comes around goes around. Your cheater will get his.

  • He’s in on it.

    It’s remarkably easy to block s phone number and direct emails from a particular address to a spam folder. He hasn’t done either.

    After you pay, he will leave you for her and split the remainder of your assets with you 50-50 in a no-fault divorce.

    The result: he comes out $25,000 ahead, and you come out $25,000 in the hole.

    • Exactly. If he wanted to block her, he would. Deductive reasoning tells us that he hasn’t blocked her, ergo…

      And I agree that it’s highly likely that they’re both putting on a big act to insulate money from the divorce he’s planning to serve as soon as the check is cashed. Emma, Chump Lady is dead on: he’s not weak, he’s strategic, and he’s counting on you to be the weak one who will do whatever it takes to save your marriage. Then when you’ve expended every last resource, he’ll tell you that you both gave it your best and he loves you but he’s just not in love with you. He and schmoopie run off ink the sunset with your cash, and you wind up even worse off than you are now. Don’t think he’d do that? I bet you didn’t think he’d do any of this.

      Back away from the crazy, Emma.

  • Hi, I wouldn’t trust your husband (sorry), you should ask him, why he’s in contact with her. She’s not the love of his life, she will agree with everything he says, I wouldn’t put it past him that their trying to scam you. They have scammed you previously, lies etc. She probably thinks she’s quite clever. Its your choice, but I think your better off on your own. Good luck.

  • Wow, knowing the evil of the disordered (all to well i might add) I can’t help but wonder if this is some elaborate scheme.

    “No judge, i didn’t dissipate $25k, my STBX wife voluntarily gave her that money. In fact I think my wife was blackmailing me, by hiring her to come onto me!”

    Okay I realize that is far fetched, but i wouldn’t put anything past the disordered.

    If none of this has convinced you not to give OW $25 k, maybe the immediate red flag to a $25 k check would throw up with the IRS will. Any deposit over $10 k is immediately flagged by bankers. What if this woman is into something shady, and now you’ve paid her $25 k, and you are suspected of being involved. Paying this blackmailer is a bad idea all around.

    The underlying tone of this letter is “Evil OW, poor weak spouse.” Your spouse knows exactly what he is doing! He is not weak, the victim, or without the faculty to stop this ( unless he’s suffering from a horrible brain tumor that medically impairs his judgment).

    I highly suggest you read here, and start reading up on manipulation, gaslighting and ambient abuse.

    https://counsellingresource.com/features/2009/03/10/manipulation-by-acting-dumb/

    • This is fantastic reading, GAB! Thank you so much, I’m going to read the whole series of articles now.

  • Your husband is still bumping uglies with this woman. It is tawdry and offensive to you.
    However he speaks about this crazy woman is how he spoke about you to her as they laughed.
    She had no boundaries.
    Boundaries need to be set in stone via a lawyer and you need to let your husband go.
    He loves the drama.
    It makes his heart race and his pecker go hard.
    Even if this woman leaves, there will be another.
    There’s a lot of happiness to be had on the other side of the drama, a contentment and satisfaction as you walk around a house that is not occupied by the person who betrayed you.
    A lot of happiness.
    I wish you well.

  • Emma,

    First, I’d say she has something in him, like pictures or proof of other illegal activity.

    He didn’t pick you; he’s been picking your financial pocket for three years. I’d hire a forensic accountant and look at the money trail. This is the red flag you’re ignoring.

    Lock down your finances, check all your accounts and move all liquid cash to your name only. I’m guessing he’s already spent a bundle.

    Then call the police, show them the proof she’s harassing you and demanding payment to stop. She can’t csll you from jail.

    Then file. The idiot asshole you’re married to spent three years lying and cheating. Kick him to the curb.

  • What we chumps fail to understand is not everyone is out to be a kind, selfless person. We assume people think like us. Other people assess situations and people for weakness and exploitation. “ how can I make this work well for me? How can I take advantage and gain from this?” Even dear loved ones like spouses are capable of this thinking. You don’t know when you marry them. They show you a image of what you want but really that sinister person was the real them. That’s why this betrayal is so devastating. When you realize the planning and manipulation it took to cheat on you you can see one step further that they also play you to gain financially too. These people are true con artists. They just invest in you personally instead. It’s sickening.
    Get out now Emma. remove this risk to your happiness. Cut out this cancer of a human and be on the road to true recovery and happiness.

    • So true. That is our downfall, and why so many chumps stay in a marriage after D-day–We assume our spouses are reasonable people who think like us. That they feel guilt about their affair/s and will work hard to Make It Up To Us. That they will resist having more guilt-inducing affairs. That they did not say horrible things behind our back to affair partners, nor talk about our ‘deficiencies.’

      But cheaters are not reasonable. They do not feel sufficient guilt to keep them out of more affairs, nor are they willing to do anything more than feign recompense for our pain (and even that won’t last long). Denigrating one’s spouse, and saying that “my marriage is dead” when it isn’t, are two of the most emotionally abusive things one can do to a loyal partner. And yet, that is exactly what most cheaters do.

      Newly chumped–do not make the mistake of thinking that they think like us. Once you discover infidelity, you are in an adversarial relationship. Keep that in mind, and protect your heart and your finances.

  • Emma,

    First off you really need to step back and assess your husband’s actions, and continued actions. Do you really want to be in a marriage where he’s still seeing his AP? You’re not going to be able to move forward in your life until either (i) the affair ends, or (ii) you exit the marriage. I won’t get into all of the benefits of choosing (ii) over (i), but I would recommend you read CL’s book and spend some time hanging around this site. I’m confident that you’ll figure it out from there. Also, don’t think for a minute that your husband isn’t in on this $25K “claim” – it’s his obvious and not-so-smart way of trying to get assets out of your marital estate in advance of a divorce. He’s hoping you’re not smart enough to realize this.

    As for the OW, if you do choose to engage with her (not recommended), I’d just let her know that you have grounds to sue her for “alienation of affection” and that anything she gets from you would come in the form of legal service. But I wouldn’t contact her at all, because your attention is really what she’s looking for anyway.

    Again though, the best route to take here is to leave these 2 idiots to each other. I hope you get to this conclusion sooner than later. My ex still fools around with her married AP, and while I was infuriated about it for a long time, my reaction now is more of disgust, indifference and pity – and I think she finally realizes this.

    • “Also, don’t think for a minute that your husband isn’t in on this $25K “claim” – it’s his obvious and not-so-smart way of trying to get assets out of your marital estate in advance of a divorce. He’s hoping you’re not smart enough to realize this.”

      If this is a real scenario, then I really hope ‘Emma’ reads this.

      Only, don’t confront your husband with it. If he really is trying to con you out of $25k, he will lie, gaslight you and things could turn ugly and / or go even more underground. Don’t forget -he was with this woman for 3 years… that’s a loooong time.

      • Oh I absolutely think this is a real scenario, and it’s probably his idea. I’m not just being a skeptic, and quite frankly, I assumed he was in on it. Emma, if you’re reading, I hope you really consider this.

        My ex had me help pay for her plastic surgery and had me buying brand new furniture (that she promptly took in the divorce) only to give me the ILYBINILWY speech a few months later. I then found out she was in the middle of her A during all of this and had already told her friends that she intended to divorce me for her AP. And she was simultaneously hiding money on the side during that whole period as well.

        So while this isn’t the same as having the AP coming out and asking for a payoff like Emma’s OW, it still gets you to the same place in the end, with money taken out of the marital estate for the benefit of the cheater ahead of the divorce. I’ve read too many stories on here to believe otherwise.

  • Oh my days. Emma, she was ‘the love of his life’ and yet he chose you? What does that make you – a consolation prize? Second best? Forget that! This is a baaaaaad situation in, and it’s all thanks to your husband. Do you really want to have a life with someone like that?!

    This is so, so wrong.

    If this is indeed a real scenario, then it may sound harsh to say, but tell the OW she can have your husband instead of the £25k, and post divorce, you want them both out of your life. Do you believe your husband is genuinely remorseful, when he’s still in contact with her?! When she was the love of his life?!

    Your husband was capable of cheating, deceiving, betraying you for 3 whole years! Seriously – what does that say about him, and what he thinks of you and your marriage? You deserve so, so, so much better.

    • What does it make Emma? It makes Emma the ATM who is expected to dispense $25,000.

      $25,000??? Wow, that’s actually cheap for the love of your life.
      Sleazy, cheap coward husband.

  • Hey Emma, my response to her would be: “How ’bout you pay me $25,000 and I’ll let you have my STBX husband for your very own. Otherwise, you can pound salt, you skanky bitch.” Your husband is too weak to stand up to his affair partner? Why exactly do you want this guy? Weak is not a trait one generally looks for in a partner. Honey, there’s no winning the pick-me dance. If you’re dancing for your marriage you’ve already lost. If I were you, I’d be concerned that you’ll pay her the $25,000 and she and your weak ass husband will promptly use the money to leave you in the dust, laughing at you the whole way. Instead of paying her, use whatever money you can scrap together to get yourself a good lawyer and divorce that POS you’re married to. He sucks.

  • You must be kidding me. This letter has to be a fake. What person in their RIGHT MIND WOULD ENTERTAIN SUCH A THOUGHT AS TO GIVE THE OW 25K??? Hell, that’s enough money to off the other women, OR LESS, and then she’d be out of your lives (and hers) permanently! I can see the pick-me-dance part…until you smarten up, we’ve all done it (or most of us anyway), but 25K? Holy mackerel. And even if the OW does go away you can expect more of the same behaviour out of your cheating husband.

    • I think the husband loves the triangulation. He has 2 women in his harem, all pining after him. And what better way to make himself feel even more wanted, than to step back and let the two women fight each other. Classic triangulation.

  • Why would you want to be married to someone whom you describe as a weakling and whose love of his life is not you?

    Your love for your spouse in this scenario has no direct relationship to your marriage’s ability to succeed. The healing power of your love is exactly zero. None of us have that kind of superpower, and love doesn’t count for much with a spouse who has freely chosen his dick over you. You can probably limp this marriage along for the rest of your life while your short-leashed husband spends his days sniffing up skirts when you’re busy being the adult, but why the hell would you??

    He has not chosen you over her; he has given the *appearance* of having chosen you. That’s what cheaters do best: temporary appearances to manipulate perception. Then they do whatever the hell they want anyway until they get called out and have to manufacture the next round of false appearances.

    Your best course of action here is to go see a lawyer, figure out if you can leverage her threats in a divorce, and and remove yourself from a marriage to a man who can’t be bothered to protect you from her threats, from the pain of betrayal, or from anything of consequence. He doesn’t value you as a wife, he values you as an appearance. Go make an authentic life for yourself, because this sure as hell isn’t it.

  • OMG! Please read all our comments here. It’s very obvious that the both of them are playing you.
    CL is correct.. he is still cheating on you with the whore!

    You should press charges on her for her illegal act. You should retain a lawyer & get your lying husband out of your life. You have no self respect for yourself & the two of them are counting on that.

    You must be smart enough to realize when someone is
    trying to use you. He is a disgusting narcissistic & freeing yourself from him is the only way out.

    Be strong…we here at CN have your back 💪🏼

  • The pick me dance is strong in this one. I’m not going to judge- been there. Hopefully she finds her way out of the fog.

    I believe this was the same scenario that actor Colin Firth was dealing with recently. His wife’s OM was demanding money or he would humiliate the actor by exposing his wife’s affair. He called the police instead of paying.

    • Just as Sandra Bullock, Christie Brinkley, and a whole host of other beautiful, appealing women getting cheated on are used to make female chumps feel better, Colin Firth getting cheated on should be a sign to male chumps–it’s not you. What would cheat on Colin Firth?

      • I’m with you Tempest – what would cheat on Colin Firth?

        And honestly, he needs to take a good look at to whom or what he’s married. The guy supposedly sent the email to Colin because she had made him all sorts of promises and then “reunited” with Colin and said, “Oops! Never mind!” She apparently made the guy feel like Colin was some undeserving husband who didn’t appreciate her. Whether all of that was just newspaper embellishment or not, Colin might want to re-evaluate his life choices and extricate himself from “When Bridget Jones Goes All the Way Wrong.”

        • Well, that’s about the time his career was at it’s peak in terms of $$$ and popularity, so it is entirely possible he was out cheating on her or ignoring his family as well.

          We simply don’t know if he’s a chump or also an egotistical cheater.

          We do know about his wife and her lover.

          Sometimes, one party is a chump and the other a cheating asshole. Sometimes both parties are cheating assholes.

  • My only takeaway from this diatribe from you, Emma, is that your husband is still a cheater and you are still pick-me-dancing for the turd. HE. WILL. NOT. CHANGE.

    STOP.

    Go see a lawyer today.

    • I think most of our stories demonstrate that truth is often weirder than fiction, so this seems entirely plausible.

    • Actually, in some countries, there is an entire industry built up around paying off mistresses. I read an article last year about this well-known practice in China. There are agencies that supervise the paying off, and hold the mistress to moving away. Honestly, the thought of that level of hopium makes me wonder how any of us got out alive and sane. Oh, that’s right, we found Chump Lady and CN.

      Hopium will destroy you in the end. Don’t fight for a cheater. Fight for yourself.

  • Send her your husband. Maybe then she will go away. If you are even contemplating giving this chick $25,000 you and your husband must have some means. Hire a pitbul lawyer, divorce his ass and get as much of the $ and assets as you can get. That and being rid of a fuckwit and his stalking gold digging mistress will be compensation for your time wasted.

  • She’s not coming to your house like an unhinged stalker, correct? He’s meeting her. He’s still fucking her. Here are a few likely scenarios:

    1) She’s trying to make him pick her by demanding money or else she’s going to tell you about their continuing sexcapades.

    2) He’s trying to make sure he has a financial safety-net if you do kick him out.

    3) The money is already gone, either moved or spent, and he’s making up a blackmail story to cover his tracks.

    Go to the cops and tell them you’re being blackmailed. If your husband has a million reasons why you shouldn’t involve the police, then he’s the one who wants or has already moved/spent the money.

    • Thank God for your column. You always play the blame me game with these losers and they go on with their life like you were never there. Hard to see till you read all the letters and the wife is left broke and stupid.

  • First, what she’s doing is criminal. She’s blackmailing you. Blackmail.

    Second, I suspect DH is in on it.

    Third, any spouse who will not go a full no contact with the AP is still prioritizing them. Not you.

    Fourth, this means the affair isn’t over.

    Fifth , if you live in a community property state or an alienation of affection state, you could probably sue her.

    In CP states, any money your husband spent on her is recoverable by you. So she’d owe you $$$.

    Finally, a lawyer will write a letter to her stating she’s committing a crime and any basis for a lawsuit you’d have against her and that if she doesn’t stop, you will take appropriate legal action. This would cost $150-500 depending upon your state.

    The reaction of your husband to this would tell you all you need to know.

    Talk to a lawyer. Run!

  • As my brother said to me in the early days of affair reveal. ‘Wake the fuck up’
    Meant in a helpful way, keep reading here and wise up.

  • What a douche you are married to Emma! The $25,000 won’t make you feel a bit better and only worse when friends/family/colleagues realize that not only is he a low-life weakling, you thought he was worth that much. He’s not worth one penny. This money needs to go to you for your misery. He brought this level of crazy into your lives. And here’s the thing. Even if you rid yourself of this cray cray schmoopie, there’s always another one around the corner. He enjoys it. He’s a victim in his life drama. And guess what, you are the evil witch when he talks to her.

    Cut your losses, save your money, rid yourself of a douche and his cray cray schmoopie!

  • “You don’t have a marriage. You have a hostage situation.”

    ^^This. Reconciling after infidelity is a hostage situation–the chump has to be on best behavior, admit his/her faults, or….the cheater will leave, or will start up the affair. Those needs you shrunk down to dried-apple status? Shrink them further. Don’t cry or rage or talk about the infidelity too much or you will spook your partner, and then…(see above).

    In fact, most of us were in a hostage situation long before D-day. Upon discovering Hannibal’s sexual harassment notes & condoms re: his affair with gradwhore 8 years earlier, I immediately told him we were over and moved into the guest bedroom. However, for at least 8 months prior to D-day, I had been in a hostage situation (almost literally) while he was in another affair with an accountant (though it would take me another year–after divorce–to find out about her).

    The devalue during those 8 months was brutal. At least once every 2 months, I would walk into the bedroom and say, “I don’t want to be married to you any more.” He would say, “If we divorce, Oldest Daughter can’t go to her out-of-state college.” Oldest Daughter REALLY wanted to go to that college; I REALLY wanted her to go to that college. So I would harness my anger, and walk out of the room. Knowing I was trapped in a marriage with someone who clearly no longer loved me nor cared about my suffering, nearly decimated me (though I normally think of myself as a strong person). I was a hostage, and suspect many other chumps were in my position (albeit for different reasons).

    Whenever one member of a partnership has more power than the other (and information is power–having a secret affair immediately means the cheater has greater power), and uses that power to get the other (the chump) to do things they would otherwise not do–stay in the marriage, do the pick-me polka–you have a Hostage Situation.

    • Tempest
      I am so sorry for that horrible horrible period of time that you tried so hard to stay, for your daughter’s sake. It was hard reading your post. I understand the feelings you were going through.
      But, mostly, I am so glad you are long time away from your terrible cheater.
      He sure lost a gem in you!
      Tempest, YOU truly are Mighty.
      Thank you for all your kindnesses to me and for all you do to encourage new Chumps to leave a cheater and to gain a better, saner, easier life!

  • This letter sounds like it may have been written by the husband and ow in an attempt to feel out their brilliant scheme. These people are really that bold and clueless.

    • I wonder what the truth is… I note ‘Emma’ has not replied to any of the comments, or the main article. Pretty quiet on the ‘Emma’ front. If she is real, and the situation is real, I wish she’d jump in. Just makes me suspicious otherwise. Chump Lady usually asks letter writers to get involved with the comments.

      • The email look fake this was submitted via form. The IP address is in Australia — so there’s a time difference.

        No idea if the person is real, but that’s all my mail, really. Extorting OW (especially the foreign sex worker kind) do extort. It’s a thing, judging by my mail.

        But the unicorn hopium? Well that’s a thing too.

        • Real or not, publishing the letter and your response still has value – to alert other chumps to these kind of tricks. Although going by what you say and these comments, this has been tried before.

          There really is nothing new under the sun.

          • does not sound real. Nobody would listen to a husband talk to them about another woman and compare their sex. If it is real, I feel sorry for “emma” and hope that she can get the help she needs or stay in the marriage if that is what she wants to do..

            • Well if the husband is really good at vilifying the ow i can see how a wife desperate to save her marriage could be pulled into this bs. It is very very tempting to blame it all on some crazy ow. Unfortunately we have to see our spouse for the coldblooded bastards they truly are and that is hard to do when they are still around trying to convince us they “care.”

              • did you hear now the mcdougal playmate coming forward that she had a 10 month affair with trump and she said “she was in love with him” I mean it shows how many women are willing to screw married men. That’s why they do it because there are willing participants
                #willingowwhores
                #itsanepidemic
                #closeyourlegstomarriedmen

        • Doesn’t sound too different from my story which sadly is real. We were living abroad as expats and I came back to the UK early to set up house with our three young children. My husband followed a couple of months later (having used that time to commence an affair).

          Long story short she was apparently threatening to tell me and demanded money. He then brought her over to the UK, sponsoring her entry and paying for her accommodation and living costs. He gave her over £50,000 before the stress got too much for him six months after the start of the affair and he told me. Then she demanded another £17,000 for a fake passport which he gave her ‘to get rid of her’ and what do you know – she is still here! Doesn’t matter to me though as I have told him the marriage is over. Thanks for the advice Chump Lady!

  • “Well, I want to stay in my pajamas and eat cookies all day. I want $25,000 to finish this column. Okay, I’ll sweeten the deal, I’ll eat an entire plate of cookies AND finish this column for $25,000.”

    Hahahaha CL you are the wittiest person I know! Thanks as always for a good laugh.

    How can I get in on this deal?! I want cookies! And your columns! And 25k!

  • You ‘husband’ is still in contact with the ho. That says it all. Who would want such a wimp? A cheater, a liar, and he doesn’t even protect you from further damage. You should have let him have his whore, they are well suited! He is no prize, he is an anchor and a subhuman.

  • “This is not a marriage, it’s a hostage situation”. I don’t think this could possibly be any clearer. But you know..reconciliation..knows the error of his ways..he still loves me…NO.HE.DOESNT. You have quite obviously lost your way. The next step is paying him to stay. I don’t even have the words to articulate how awful this is. You need to move on from him, pronto!!

  • What’s up with these mistresses suing for money? Is this a new trend. No one owes them anything! There is a huge hoebag in the city where I live and she’s 35 years old, started an affair with an 85 year old married man. She got a million + dollar condo from the affair. And when he died, the mistress sued the wife for many millions stating that her lover promised he would take care of her and that she deserved to get several millions from his estate. Needless to say, she lost the lawsuit and fell flat on her face. The level of entitlement is unbelievable and the men who go for women like that.

      • Money, not cheating, was likely their original purpose. Marry a rich guy who is old or sick, inherit when he dies… or speed things up a bit. Grab all you can. Run. Love is blind – much as we blinded ourselves to our cheaters’ obvious faults, they blind themselves to these con-whores.

        • my husbands HO is sitting up in BIG beachhouse and her purpose was to snag my husband and that was her goal from day one. She is a Hag. She is not pretty. She is not a Barbie doll, she is not gorgeous, she just knew what she needed to do to get money. That is her M.O. That was not her first rodeo. I can tell by the emails that she was a manipulative cunning BOLD whore

  • I suspect that husband loves the attention and either OW or he uttered those words (about wanting $25 to go away), especially if the husband is like my ex-husband. A couple of months after D-Day #1, during wreckonciliation, my husband kicked our youngest out of our bedroom (a few minutes after youngest curled up with us in bed). Husband then told me that his AP was much better than I was, ‘servicing’ him 5 times/week for 8 weeks, while he was on the road (for work) with her. In the next breath, he threw his ring at me, and demanded that I sign an notarize a document he handed me, saying that if I filed for divorce, I would forfeit hundreds of thousands in assets. I never signed, wish that I still had a copy of that d–ned document. Husband proceeded to tell me that his purportedly adulterous ex-wife had been a better wife than I was. He then hit me twice. Unfortunately, left no marks. I told him that I would call the cops if he ever did that again. (Eventually talked to local cops because they called me. (They completely bungled the case.)

    Immediately shut down ‘husband’ and OW. Conville is a crappy place to live!

  • Assuming this letter is real, the husband and the OW are trying to con $25K marital funds away from the letter writer. Personally, I don’t find it implausible; my ex attempted similar stunts.

    He was a personal trainer in an exercise group. He was having simultaneous affairs with two other instructors, including threesomes with them. Orgies with others. He sent dick pics to a female customer, he took off all his clothes while on a run in a public park and “surprised” a male member of the group by jumping out at him naked. And these are just the things I know about. He was finally fired, and he then threatened to sue the owner of the exercise club for sexual harassment, because he claimed all of his actions were THEIR fault. Not sure what ever happened with that one, I suppose he dropped it eventually, but he was quite serious and expected to get a lot of money from the owner.

    He tried blackmailing a married man he had a threesome with — it involved a woman married to someone else — but that guy came down on ex like a hammer, so although I’m not sure what eventually happened with that one, I assume it was also dropped.

    What I’m saying here is that some of the truly disordered do stuff that is equally disordered and they see nothing bizarre about it. Going by the rule that we never learn more than the tip of the iceberg of the bad stuff our cheaters did, I assume that my ex was involved in a lot more blackmail attempts and crazy extortion schemes that I never heard about.

    Anyway, this long ramble — no caffeine yet this morning — is just to say that extorting money from the chump, or anyone else, is absolutely within a cheater’s playbook.

  • Emma needs to divorce her husband ASAP. If the OW doesn’t get her $25K simply by demanding it, she wil get pregnant by Emma’s husband ….. and then the state will hand over Emma’s money.

  • I’m in the this is Bullshit camp, with a capital “b”.
    Is Emma reading? Was there more to the story?

    What does the cheater husband say about this pay out?

    This is as simple as one call or walk in to a police station. If you have texts documents, print them out.
    If not, they will listen in on a simple phone call, if she will repeat her demands (police may have you pretend to be actually willing to pay the money)

    Once they have it documented as proof, her world will go upside down.

    Police do not look at extortion kindly. They arrest people over $250 Craigslist fraud, this is 100x that.

    — but Emma, if you are here, please tell us what your husband says about this.

  • Emma,

    I almost cried when I read your post. PLEASE wake up and face reality. Your milquetoast of a husband is still cheating! He’s a typical cake eater and his dinghy has been moored in 2 harbors (yours and hers) for a long time.

    And PLEASE believe that the OW won’t stop hounding you after she gets her payoff… that $25,000 is just your down payment!

    What do you do?

    (1) Collect any physical evidence you have of her demands for money (text messages on your phone or his, emails etc.). Do *not* tell your husband you are on this scavenger hunt.

    (2) Take your $25,000 and immediately hire a barracuda of a divorce attorney *and* a forensic accountant to track down all the money he’s been spending on “the love of his life” and their extracurricular activities.

    (3) When your husband is off having one of his little chats with the OW, change the locks, put his belongings out on the lawn, and then send him a text message telling him you’re done and not to bother coming home.

    (4) Call the police and get an order of protection/restraining order against the OW and her constant harassment.

    (5) Call the FBI (yes, really) and tell them the OW is blackmailing you (this is the time to produce your evidence – see Point #1). This is criminal activity and my gut to tells me your husband has been in on the financial ruse from Day #1.

    • “(4) Call the police and get an order of protection/restraining order against the OW and her constant harassment.”

      For the 500th time, a chump usually cannot get a restraining order for this type of harassment.

      OW would have to have made a threat of physical harm or be stalking chump. If she’s doing neither, the chances of getting a protective order are very low.

      No state that I know of would grant one on these facts.

      It is NOT EASY to get a restraining order. The bar is very, very high. Because you are taking away someone’s right to free movement.

      FWIW, one of the worst things you can do in any domestic situation is to try and get a restraining order if you don’t really qualify. It makes judges think you are making things up to smear the other party. (Because they do see this a lot).

      Still, the rest of your advice is solid.

      She needs to talk to an attorney. They will be able to tell her what, if anything, she can do.

      • Actually, it really depends on where you are. Not only do state laws differ on where the bar is set to obtain a restraining order, but, different counties and even different judges within a county may be far more exacting or lenient with handing out restraining orders. I used to work as a domestic violence service provider. Some judges were known for rarely granting them, some figured no harm on erring on the side of caution and granted them in an almost pro-forma manner. Besides, there are different types of “orders.” There are “protection” orders, orders of “no contact,” “stalking” orders, and “harassment” orders–again depending on WHERE you live and what the circumstances. Contact a lawyer, or domestic violence advocate, or legal aid to ask about the specifics in your state (and even county).

        • To add, I was granted an order based on him making ONE statement (he had no record and no other history of violence) that “I’d be sorry for being such a bitch ‘about all this.'”

      • It is very hard to get a restraining/protective order. The first one I filed didn’t go through. They refused to serve him because I didn’t provide the apartment number of the duplex he was living in. The court actually told me that I needed to get it! Yes let’s put me and the kids in more danger! The courts are messed up and they don’t do enough to help protect victims.

  • Emma, as Tempest said above “do not make the mistake of thinking that they (i.e., cheaters) think like us.

    As ChumpLady has written hundreds of times here, you do not control your cheating fuckwit, only yourself.

    Maybe even more important, ChumpLady has written hundreds of times here: words are not important, only actions are. And your what are your fuckwit-cheating-husband’s actions? 1) he submits to blackmail (WHY does he not go to the police??????!!!! This is a sure win; 2) he keeps on seeing affair partner giving one the lamest excuses I have ever seen.

    Emma, your fuckwit husband DOES NOT love you. He loves the ego kibbles of your pick-me-dance, he loves avoiding all the consequences of divorce, especially the financial ones.

    Be mighty. Bileve everyone here at Chump Nation: you do not need fuckwit do live well and with dignity and contentment.

  • Oh my God! This is horrifying! Get the fuck out, yesterday! Even if she did go away, another one will come along. Please, stop fucking yourself over! Got off, and as far away from that train wreck as possible, and rehabilitate yourself!

  • Emma,

    Why are you speaking of your husband as if he’s a toddler with no agency and this other woman as if she is some cartoon villain that can’t be written out of a story? You know who has control over this entire situation? Your husband – and I use the term loosely. If this is actually a true event, let me try to reframe this for you.

    “The past year she has sporadically contacted my husband and the weakling has met up with her a few times.” – – Emma should think: “Hmmm. Why hasn’t he blocked her number or gotten a new phone number? Why is he talking to her? And if he’s still talking to her, why do they have to meet? That’s fucked up. Why can’t they talk about whatever needs to be said over the phone? This is some bullshit.”

    “He’s not strong enough to let her go, (she was the “love of his life” after all), so I need her to be the one to stay away.” – – Emma should think: “This jackass pretends to be weak. He isn’t weak, he’s deceitful. He doesn’t want to stop seeing her. He told me she was the love of his life. I’m his wife. Why is this bitch the love of his life? She can only keep coming around and calling if he wants it and allows it. That is some bullshit.”

    “She says she’s enjoying the drama too much and will leave us alone if we pay her $25,000. What do I do? I don’t want to pay her, but I also don’t want the texts and calls to keep coming. We need her gone to properly rebuild our marriage.” – – Emma should think: “This bitch just demanded $25,000 from me for fucking my husband. Why would someone who loves me invite a crazy bitch like this into our lives? I wouldn’t even know her if he hadn’t hooked up with her. I am sick of her calls and texts, and I’m sick of this motherfucker to whom I’m married allowing her calls and texts. Why would I want to be married to someone who has an extortionist as the love of his life? Let me end this bullshit right now. This bitch likes drama? Let’s see how much she likes this police drama I’m about to serve up. She’s the love of his life? Let me put him out of his not the love of his life misery and divorce this weak-tea motherfucker and send him to be with the love of his life. Of course, he might have visit her in jail.”

    Emma, let these two feral animals have each other. You can do better.

  • I have a family member who fell to cheating with a woman like that. It turns out she had a WEBPAGE on which she publicly chatted with multiple married men at the same time and solicited new victims. Offline she would taunt, torture and extort the wives, which was her true purpose and what she got off on.

    Beware — this OW’s main motivation is to torture you, not cheat with your husband.

  • Other than wondering if we have a troll here, I’m gobsmacked at the notion that anyone would:

    1. want a husband “too weak” to block his [former?] AP on phone, text and email;
    2. not suspect that something’s afoot if H is willing to part with $25K.
    3. not understand that being in touch with an AP means…still carrying on the affair.

  • I will not discount the idea that this cheater and his OW are part of an elaborate plan to get 25,000 out of his assets before he dumps his wife. That certainly is a realistic theory, but I actually did have an OW who wanted over 100,000.00 from my husband after he left her and came home. The documentation she had showed that he had signed a piece of paper for a “loan” along with a letter demanding monthly payments. I paid her zero. There were real problems with this document. It looked as if it were typed in a hurry. It was signed less than 24 hours before he was due to go into major surgery for cancer. He was doped up to the maximum and doesn’t even remember signing the paper or a notary. He signed it while we were legally divorced so I am confident I don’t owe this money! Schmoopie had already cleaned out every account he had to zero once he left anyways. But yes, I can believe this is real. Schmoopie threatened she would take legal action, but I haven’t seen any yet. Her lover is dead now anyways and I think she thought she would scare us into paying her off, but it didn’t work. These types of people think far too much of themselves and do things that are incredibly stupid. It doesn’t mean we have to do what they want! Stand tough and tell this OW to pound sand! She is just being a pain to the wife. And her husband needs to totally block her! I haven’t heard a peep from Schmoopie in nearly a year. She will go away, I promise.

  • The way I see it, either you’re married to a conman who’s purposefully continuing the affair or you’re married to a spineless wimp who won’t stand up for you or his marriage Do you really want that for a life partner?

    You’re in a lose-lose situation by remaining his wife.

  • I would have thought this was a troll letter, except that I experienced an OW trying something similar.

    In my case, she won the guy (I told her not to bother sending him back) but in addition “threatened” to take me to,court for half the value of the house I owned 100%. Just because cheater lived with me, I wasn’t stupid enough ever to out his name on any deed. Apparently part of his attraction for her was that he had said he would be entitled to half my assets even though we were never married.

    Stupid as shite, or evil, or blackmailer…just get these idiots out of your life, OP! He’s not a prize worth reconciling with.

  • Lifeisgood, I am not sure if you are addressing me or the letter writer. My Ex and I did divorce. He moved in with his Schmoopie then was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. According to him, he finally realized he had screwed up his entire life at 60 years old and Schmoopie was not the fantasy woman he thought she was. I took him in and cared for him his last year of life because he had absolutely nothing and no where to go. I had also promised his Father that if he were to become very ill that I would make sure he was taken care of. I took that promise seriously and I sleep well at night knowing I did all I could for him. Believe me, I know he would not have done the same for me, but I would like to think that I am a bigger person than him. It wasn’t easy knowing what he had done to me, but I did what I felt I could live with for the rest of my life.

    • Roberta,

      That’s quite a thing you did for your fuckwit. If I were in the same situation I don’t think I’d have the fortitude to be a caregiver to my cheating ex after all the lies, abuse, deceit and betrayal.

      You must have had some excruciatingly painful, emotional days in the midst of caring for him.

      CL & CN (and my ex) have taught me that humans are capable of having the worst character and treating others so despicably. But I’ve also seen examples of humans CHOOSING to have the absolute BEST character and doing something like you did. Your act of caring and kindness is a source of hope for humanity.

  • Roberta,
    me too. I took care of him not knowing about the ho but at least I know I was there for him in his dying days and that nobody can take the love I had for him away from me, even though ho probably thought she would get him and be the next Mrs. …I know that I did the right thing, but of course I did not even know of Ho at the time, but still, I was there for him and it was bittersweet because despite all the narc secret maneuveurs I did love him and he was the love of my life. Unfortunately he proved to be disordered and I learned this a little too late. Then I suffered the nightmare in the aftermath of all I discovered
    I always say at least I know I will probably go to heaven for living my life right and doing the right thing

  • I bet Emma doesn’t want any of this mess. She wants the affair, this person, the situation she’s in to go away. It’s a nightmare that’s real and that is really, really hard to accept. We’ve all been there. We want to wake up and feel satisfied and joyful again because we remember how great that feels. So we bargain against the truth because the illusion is so tempting. Maybe we can pretend this away? Pretend that this person we married who hurts us over and over is worth our love, our energy and our time? Meanwhile the life we are meant to be living is lost to the all consuming thoughts about a failed relationship that we pretend we can fix while our precious time and energy fly away as the devil laughs because he knows living a lie will reduce you to one.

    • Yep. I am with you: we all go through wanting to diminish the bullshit, to feel like there is less to feel. To not admit how fucking duped we have been. To think that our little patch of wreckoncilliation is potentially viable transplanted sod and not bad AstroTurf on top of a giant shit pile (fake and shitty, Hahahaha).

      Life is so hard.

    • Cleopatra,
      How eloquently said! Yeah, I have wanted to ‘pretend things’ (the sick cat and mouse, hot and cold game) away for years. I’m waking up from a double feature nightmare (two liars back to back). I often want to stay in the Land of Denial but I’m hurting only me and those who depend on me and deserve a good life (e.g., my kid). It’s a huge struggle to get to the Land of Meh, though, especially in light of the fact that I am ‘starting over’ emotionally and financially over the age of 50.

  • duped, there is no sin or crime in loving someone. You and I did what we felt was right for us. I won’t apologize to anyone for doing what I knew in my heart was right. By the time of our divorce we had been married 41 years and I just couldn’t push that aside as if it didn’t matter to me. I also have cancer that was diagnosed during our divorce. I will not deny the fact that he all but abandoned me when I needed him the most! I struggled everyday taking care of myself and it was terrible! It was me and a pet dachshund in a huge house alone. My dog was my only “friend”. I knew how awful it was and I would not put another person through that. He was homeless and broke and had no where to go nor any means to pay for any type of decent lodging. I may have been a super chump, but in the end I I can still live with myself! If people want to judge me for that then so be it. I kept my promise to his Dad who was one of my biggest supporters till his death, and I feel I did the right thing.

    • Roberta
      ((((( hugs))))) if you lived nearby I would be your friend. I am sorry that you had to take care of yourself and that you just had your dog. (even though they are the BEST friends) and it must have been so hard, and isolating and then to have to deal with an illness on top of that. I know exactly what you mean, I felt , too that I did the right thing. I know I am on here telling my own story, but I can feel good about myself that I did the right thing that was from my heart. I guess, it also helped that I did not know at the time about the Ho yet but his family was acting bizarre so somebody knew about the HO. And was I still feeling duped and shell shocked after I did find out ? sure, I went through anger of it all and angry at myself for even taking care of him too, but in the end I know I did what came naturally was being a good hearted loving person. I think God knows whats in your heart anyway and he knows everything that has been done to all of us.

    • Roberta and duped,
      I believe that no one in CN would ever criticize you for how you cared for your cheater.
      You both did what your heart and your head told you was the right thing to do at the time. It just came naturally to you as you are a very giving kind of person, true until the very end. How fortunate your cheater was.
      I always say CN has Chumps with hearts as big as the ocean, and you two ladies, are a shinning example.
      Kindness dwells in every fibre of your being.
      Both of you are beyond Mighty!

      • thank you peacekeeper ! You as well are mighty! None of us deserve what we were dealt. And as I said before, we all have our own story as far as what our cheaters did to us. Some of them are so similar, some vary slightly, but however the cheating and deceiving went down, we all suffered our own brand of lying, deceit and duping from the cheater. Believe me I never felt mighty, I just felt completely and utterly duped and stupid and manipulated. I never knew someone like my husnand could live a complete double life. It’s hard to believe and there was no ‘abuse’ from him, so it was not blatantly obvious to me, nor had I ever known a narcissist before so I was baffled and confused by things that he did or said..the ‘riddles’ certain ‘actions/behaviors’ the lies that I did not know were lies, the ‘start of the discard’ subtle discard behavior after the honeymoon. This was all the narcissist playbook. It left me feeling confused, upset, etc etc. Until finally I ‘checked out’ a little bit emotionally because I felt there was no winning and he obtained a lot of freedom…He mental mind f’ed me basically until he ‘won’ by me not trying to delve deeper into his behavior (I don’t know what this is called when you kind of ‘give up’ on trying to figure it out) also because I trusted him so much, I was in love with the guy ‘he was’ not the guy that what I know now, was the mask that slipped off…and behaved like a person that nobody would believe to be true by knowing him as ‘the other person’…..I learned soooo much afterwards. My mouth was agape when I figured it all out. I sunk into what I call a dark, isolated place, I would not say depression, just loneliness, shock of betrayal, cried for my own life that was wasted…you get the picture…everyone here has suffered the similar pain …and then as more and more unraveled it was just one another level..would probably not have pulled through thus far without you all.

  • I realized I haven’t addressed Emma! My dear Emma, if you have solid proof such as an e-mail or note from this OW stating she wants 25 grand to go away then take it to your local police Dept. And file a report. Once you get back home tell your husband that his Schmoopie has to be blocked from any and all communication with him. If he balls or refuses just start packing his bags! I would think that after a year (supposedly) of his affair having ended then he should have no problem with doing this for you and his family. If he hems and haws then he needs to go, BUT NOT WITH 25,000.00!

  • Oh Emma…Why do you want to be married to a man who says someone else–not you!–is the Love of His Life? I just don’t get it.

  • Please, please, please be a troll. Please. If you are really you then I worry about you. Seriously. How in the world do you want to stay with a man who picked her for a girlfriend? It boggles the mind.

  • You are have choice. You have agency.

    Go see a lawyer ASAP. Get some real professional advice on a) how to deal with the extortionist (aka OW) and 2) protect your assets from your husband.

    There is no end to the crap that cheaters and their partners pull AND their blatant ignorance and disregard for the law. While still married, my XH purchased a house with his OW as an investment. Later, during separation agreement, they were both shocked to learn that legally I was entitled to 1/2 of this house. Duh.

    Go tomorrow and consult a lawyer. They can even write a formal and threatening response for far less than the $25K you are considering paying the OW. It will be the best investment in yourself that you ever make.

    • moving forward
      I tried to find out if that big beachhouse brothel that the whore lives in was purchased by my husband. But that crafty whore has the house in her name. I am sure he has some money somewhere involved in funding it. After all, a whore needs to entertain the playboy that loves the water. These two were smart. Unlike your case where they were two dumbasses. DUH

  • Hi all, I appreciate everyone’s comments, I really do. But:

    – we’ve veen married 25 years, for better or worse,this is worse
    – he doesn’t want to divorce me. He may not love me, but we have a deep connection that we formed over the years. The sex is and has always been great. Our emotional and physical connection is still great. He wants to stay with me. Especially now. He feels he owes me to stay and try to fix things.
    – he may love her more but he tells me I’m better in bed.
    – 4 kids
    – the OW didn’t love him and I do. No one loves him as much as I do. He will loose that if he leaves.
    – I know he’s abusive to me, but I love him. And he’s my husband. It’s very hard.
    – We have over 100 mutual friends and very close families. Very hard to let go.
    – the OW doesn’t love him. She doesn’t want kids, she doesn’t want to meet his parents. She’s not a nice person and I don’t want him to be with her.
    – we are not rich.
    – my husband is willing to give her something (not 25k), but a little bit to help her with her business. He wants her gone too as she complicates his life. And having her in his life popping up all the time means he can’t concentrate on me and our marriage. He doesn’t see it as blackmail.
    – he loves her but wants to be with me and the kids.
    – basically he wants her gone. She complicates his life. Causes drama with me. And he is weak around her. He can’t focus when she’s around and he can’t resist her. Life would be easier for him if she goes away.
    – I love him and divorce is not an option. Real love can survive a blip of infidelity. My love is really strong and even an affair can’t change that.
    – I do understand I’m chump. And I hate myself for that. It is just so hard to let him go. I’ve been with him since I was 16. He is my life. And he wants to stay married to me.

    • Um yeah. Emma. Go get some therapy to rebuild that self esteem. Real love doesn’t survive the “blip of infidelity”. Infidelity means he doesn’t love you. Period. I could quote so many more statements you made, but they are absurd. He’s not a prize to be won. He betrayed you and continues to and your making excuses for him.

      You need to put down the pipe, and spend more time reading the articles on this site.

      Nothing will change until you move your feet.

    • I hope you can get some help, Emma. You are still young and could have a really fantastic life with your many friends and your family. There’s nothing anyone can say if you’re determined to be used (“he may not love me”), but every single soul on these boards has faced what is “just so hard.” Everyone.

      It is 100% not true that “he can’t resist her.” He is not a child. He has agency. As do you.

      It’s your chance to find out who YOU really are, instead of being a satellite to someone else. And your chance to never ever hate yourself again. You really can do this. As it stands now, your life depends on your controlling other people, which is an impossibility. (Hint: THAT is what is “just so hard.”) Imagine what it would be like to be mighty. To be you. Just start by imagining what it would be like not to have to listen to one more word about this other woman. Let her have him.

    • Emma, you don’t appreciate the comments at all! Especially not the few that you actually read!

      They all say the same thing: (a) don’t give her the money, and (b) you can change this situation for the better by divorcing immediately, and regaining your life, your sanity, your self respect, and your financial security.

      EVERYONE here has been in your situation (we are talking thousands of individuals, responsible for millions of pageviews). It’s hard at first, but it gets better really fast.

      And yes, other women have come here determined to win the Pick Me Dance, like you are, but have come to their senses later.

      Please get some help, and please stick around here. Read the archives.

    • This is not love, this is co-dependency. If you reached out to ChumpLady, you know this is a big problem and it’s not going away.

      Please, whatever you decide, do not give anyone 25k. Read ChumpLady’s repsonse 100 times and then the replies. Many of us here are not new to this and the advice here is solid.

      Your marriage is not special. Your husband is not a poseesion and he’s making his own choices and abusing you by playing a victim. I don’t know what else to say but try to get away from this awful situation and get som INDIVIDUAL therapy. Your desperate to keep a marriage out of fear and not love. This is major abuse.

      Also, go to the police. If you both seriously want to rid your marriage of this woman, going to the police will do the trick.

      Best of luck!

    • You are cataclysmically lost and deluded.

      I am not sure how someone could help you.

      But this bears repeating: Emma, if your husband wanted this woman out of your life and your marriage, she would be gone.

      He was wily and cunning enough to start this affair. Brutal enough to do it. To risk the 25 year marriage that you treasure and he shit on with malaria level diarrhea.

      Believe me when I tell you that he has the skills and viciousness to get rid of her tonight and money would not be involved.

      You present her as if she is a force that cannot be stopped. It is ridiculous. You already know about the affair so what leverage could she possibly have that would warrant a payoff?

      You do sound idiotic when you keep referencing that he says you were great in bed. Maybe you are but if he valued your bedroom awesomeness he would not have had an affair.

      Reading your response made me feel nauseated, both on your behalf and that your thinking is so catastrophically dooming ….. to yourself and your 4 children.

      You may as well have stage four pancreatic cancer. That’s how do you doomed you are if you stay with this treacherous, triangulating and dangerous person.

    • It is not, as you charitably put it “a connection”. Take a moment, take a breath, and read back your response. You could spout a hundred different reasons for staying….You love him, he is your life, lots of friends, lots of family, you are not rich, he would not have you or your love if he left, his mistress does not want children, she doesn’t want to meet his parents, you don’t want him to have her, the list goes on. He is staying for two reasons… guilt, and the potential for financial loss. He is trying to convince himself that he should give her up and stay. He does not love you, he does not respect you, and he has allowed you to guilt him into staying. You are more than happy to go along with his plan, but you are being short sighted. All of your reasons and justification will not fix your marriage, nor will they fix you. You are not doing any of you any favors for continuing to live this lie. “Real Love” as you call it, is not any of this. The fact that you refer to this as a “blip” just confirms how out of touch you really are. I really am completely out of words, and you are completely in denial.

      • Wanna know who thrives on the drama?

        Emma does.

        Its been said here before and bears repeating. Just because you are a chump, doesnt mean you arent just as mentally disordered as the cheater.

        Emma, get help. Or not. Either way, its pretty clear that all you are good for in this scenario is the balls deep connection you two have in bed. You said this yourself.

        Grow up. Get some therapy and for fucks sake, get your head out of your ass, you have KIDS who are watching. You know he is abusive to you??? Then by that same yoken, you are being abusive to your kids for allowing this bullshit to go on inside that house in front of and to your kids.

        Grow the fuck up.

  • emma,
    there is a 90% fail rate on marriages that derive from cheating…watch Dr. Phil in the states, watch youtube vidoes on cheaters. Educate yourself on how this behavior is a lose lose situation. Marriages don’t last that a result of cheating. Also you deserve better. Sometimes even when you let them go then the OW does not even want them because it’s more fun probably for that Ho to have him when he is married then it may become too ‘real’ once he is with her. But HE deserves whatever evil befalls him. Yup, he deserves it. He made his bed now he can sleep in it. My husband’s ho ho was standing by with baited breath. The difference is I did not know it was going on. I was never told. Therefore I can write the ending of the story. I don’t know all the details. I can piece the story together myself. He did not leave me for her, but then again he never told me about her…Knowledge is power, you know about her, therefore you are armed with knowledge to use to your advantage

  • After reading Emma’s response I think that a) she is not real or b) not ready for this site.

    If a) WS are you trying to guage your BS s response to such a proposal? Are you the OW? Fishing for an angle? Go away. Do your own thinking. Be original for a change. Don’t take advice from ‘stupid’ chumps.

    If b) i find it strange that you come here, Emma, knowing all CN stands for and argue the above points as you have. You don’t want to leave your cheater and you don’t want to gain a life. You want to stay in an abusive marriage with a man who wants your consent in funding his OW’s life. Well how cool are you?! No more sneaking funds from the kitty. He can outright give her! Your poor weak defenseless husband who abuses you?

    And yes, we’ve been through what you have and no, nicing you along is not going to help you.

    We can’t help you at this time. But if you are real, what you read here today should get your noggin working again. All the best to you!

    • Emma is desperate. She knows she is trapped, but she hasn’t hit rock bottom yet. Those of you who thought you had won the Pick Me Dance will remember how that feels.

      So no, she’s not ready to leave him and regain her life.

      However, one day the penny will drop, and she may realise what’s actually going on. Here’s hoping.

      Meanwhile, yeah, good luck Emma, because you’re going to need it.

      • Yep. She will get it when she’s got 6 kids and an STD and isn’t just not rich, she’s helped other OW finance god knows what.

        Sadly, we have all been there.

    • Mandie101, I agree with you… Emma’s response does not quite pass the “smell test.” And her repetition of “The OW doesn’t/didn’t love him, but I do…” added to “He wants to give her a little bit to help her business…” gives me the heebie-Jennie’s. No, I seriously doubt Emma is real or is ready to gain her life.

  • Mandie 101
    you are right it’s the OW trying to get an angle …she sees how we suffer and wants to cast a fake story on us to see how we will go crazy with that one ….LOL

    • I hope we have not given grist for the OW mill. I hope this is not used against Emma.

      And if Emma is real…right now your enemy is you.

  • One more time. I don’t believe in Bigfoot but I think there might be a conspiracy to drive you crazy. The fact that the asshole you married is contemplating giving a blackmailer money is nuts. The fact that he still loves said blackmailer is even nuttier and you are clutching your pearls and hoping for the best. Something about this stinks.

  • Emma, My heart breaks for you that your self-worth has been so macerated that you would stay with a man who calls another woman the love of his life.While married to you.

    And not a woman who is running an orphanage in Bangladesh or even a hard-working nurse who takes care of hospice patients. Or even just a person who may have a few bones of decency rattling around somewhere.

    No – you are fighting to stay with a man who idolizes a woman who wants to hurt you. A woman who delights in terroring you.
    If you and this pitiful predicament-are real- you need immediate and intensive help. You have lost your way so profoundly.

    Another life tip: when a man wants a woman to stay away from him, they are decidedly brutal. They don’t tip toe around their feelings or make excuses about why she gets in touch with him.

    Just imagine if a 400 pound woman with body odor and no teeth who was homeless was relentlessly pursuing your husband. Do you think he would be worried about her feelings when he told her to fuck off?

    One of the worst lessons I have learned from this bizarre experience of my life, and I might add one of the most horrible and I have had a home burn down, is this:

    People do exactly what they want to do.

    If your husband wanted no contact with her it would happen pronto. If your husband wanted to nip her extortion in the bud, he would tell her off record that he would slice her throat if she didn’t leave you alone.

    He would defend you and your marriage as he defends her.

    Go on a weekend retreat alone and try to find your common sense. What would you advise a friend to do?

    You already know about the affair so what mileage would be accomplished by paying this woman one dollar? I imagine your husband and this woman are having many conversations, laughing hysterically, at your expense.

  • Acting pathetic as a method for getting what you want only works on people with a conscience. They have proven by their actions they are wired the other way. Those types move in for more attacks when they see weakness. What you need to do is act strong.

  • and that whore OW is Loving all the drama and the pain and suffering he is exacting upon you while the OW feels like WOW he is really treating her like shit, this is great! This is special! I must be something really great for this guy to treat his wife like a piece of shit! Make no mistake, that whore is L O V I N G
    it at YOUR expense
    its a game and you are the chess piece in the game
    think of it that way
    you are the laughing stock
    you are the fool
    nothing will make an insecure HO that wants what she wants from a married man, more great than knowing that the married guy she is fucking is disrespecting the wife.
    They must feel like queens
    DO you want that whore to feel like a queen? at your expense ?

    • You are on the money. They revel in the misery they cause the wife.

      And the number one point to remember? It is the piece of shit husband that brought this buzzard into their marriage. Says he loves her. He is the architect of her misery.

      I’m not being ugly but I hope that the children do not have a portal into the mind of their mother Emma at this time. Years of therapy couldn’t erase it.

      • yeah so true. This is an emotional psychological crime..
        and if they can do that to the wife, the children will inadvertently suffer as well. Everyone is triangulated. It’s a fun game for the sadist narcissist.
        in my case, why else would the Big Bold broad assed whore walk into hospice and pull back the curtain to my husbands dead body? Two reasons, she wanted to stick the knife in my back and let me know she existed, she wanted to say look at me, I am the OW! He’s “MY’ man and/or she needed to verify the death to cash in on the life insurance policy she probably had on him. Lucky her ! I hope she has fun counting the money. Maybe later buzzard guzzler can get some more knee pads for her next married men….

  • I agree with the others. It seems these OW will fight tooth and nail to get these cheaters, but once we let them go the OW loses interest. My Ex told me that he caught his Schmoopie trolling FB shortly after he moved in with her. This was exactly how she ended up in an affair with my husband! She didn’t really want my husband but she wanted to “win”. I warned him many times but he just wouldn’t listen. There is a name for these types. They are called ludis lovers. It’s just a game to them. And the marriage failure rate for affair couples is almost a given. They really are screwed up people!

    • I think the Big whore would have made the marriage work with my husband if she had gotten him to be with her as a Mrs. I have yet to meet or know of a guy like him (excluding the cheating part) so I KNOW she would never be able to find anyone like him. Look she was already a whore, she was already a cheater, she already was fucking a married man, “having a real relationship” with him. So the deck was stacked against her. No other guy had probably ever looked her way. Knowing my husband, she was definitely the aggressor, but he adores being admired so that’s all it took
      HOw would that have worked out for her. My husband would have eventually thought, wow, this thing is a slut, I don’t trust her. And that insecure wench certainly would be keeping tabs on him ! They would have had a really fucked up existence LOL Built on so much trust and honesty. Oh yes, well he was honest with her, she knew he was married she can see the wedding ring on his finger

  • Emma, why oh why, are you still with this loser? Your cheater husband isn’t even worth the gum on your shoe, let alone $25k. Please, time to step aside and assess the picture from afar. Every minute you waste being with your cheater is a complete waste of your life. We won’t be here forever. Please start valuing yourself and your life and get out. Now.

  • Interesting Emma. He’s helping her with a business. What, weren’t those 100 friends enough to keep him busy?

    Your love can’t change or fix a disordered cheater. It can’t make him respect you; it will have the opposite effect. Giving her money when you’re not rich, have children, and he LOVES her? That’s fucked up.

    OW are downgrades; at least that was my experience. He made promises to her and that’s why she’s still around. He WANTS to keep her around because he doesn’t have to face paying alimoney, child support or facing the outcome.

    You’re giving him cake. He’s planning a future with her. And if she goes away, there’s always a next. The covert I divorced is cheating on his skank. No one is special to them.

    • doingme
      LOL he’s cheating on his skank !!! I LOVE these stories !!! I want all the OW, AP, HOworkers and all the whores to get cheated on back !!!! Then who gets the last laugh ? WE DO !!! WINNING !!!!

      • Duped, it was a cycle, like clockwork. He moved her to the town where his happiest hookups live. I saw the phone records while he was cheating with her and others.

        It was always about multiples to increase the odds. His old supply2010 lives there as well as the one he fathered children with years ago.

        Dumber than a rock. She thinks it’s me and drives by my house every weekend. Yup, not my problem.

        • that one that drives by sounds like a crazy freak… well they all are a carnival of freaks I am sure.
          It’s sad, was he a narcissist…dumb question. They need an abundance of supply from what I have read about them. And there is no shortage of women that will indulge them. Their brain really does not work like normal people does it?
          I should take my husbands car and drive by that howorkers house and make her freak out. That would just be for fun on my part though…LOL…Just to make her see a ghost…

    • Oh, good!
      I’m actually relieved. Sounded too movie-esque to be someone’s reality.. glad it is. Although, I’m thinking it is possibly *someone’s* reality, sadly!

  • Figured it was one that expired. But it’s kinda fun knowing they wind up here once they get tossed. Pathetic, right?

    Who does an OW have as a support system? Oh, yeah cheaters.

  • Emma, when I was dating X, years and years ago, I let him know there were two things he could do that would make me walk away from our relationship. I called them dealbreakers because I knew my worth and could never have “the fairy tale” if he ever pursued them. If he ever chose drugs or cheating, I would simply no longer be a part of his life. Twenty eight years down the road he gave me that ILYBINILWY speech (textbook Cheater vomit). I looked at our life together, all that we had been through, our three beautiful children, a dream home we worked hard for, good jobs, and a marriage of twenty years, and realized it was at an end. At that moment, I also knew a higher power intervened and was letting me know not to waste any more of my one precious life with someone who had been sabatoging our marriage and my dreams for my future. So I divorced that ass and I kept everything good. Yes, it was hard, but harder would have been to look into his lying face knowing what I knew. I also knew as a mother that my relationship with my beautiful children mattered and that I needed to set an example; cheating in a marriage is NOT what real love is supposed to be.

    • Drew
      this is so true. This is not love if they are sticking that thing in some woman..lets see they married you, yes nobody or no relationship is perfect, but you just don’t operate by taking on some ho bag and forget about your marriage. Lets see if you had communicated or actually talked maybe then also if you had invested the amount of time and energy it took to cheat down with your nasty ho, don’t you think that would be more of the right thing to do. Then you go parading off to church even ! I mean really. Wtf is that. A relationship is worth so much more. I guess these whores figure, well you only live once, I am going to get what I can get and take that sucker for what it’s worth. OR they just want your man…that still equates to pathetic whore that cannot find her own man. Anyway, I digress.
      To your point definitely is a higher power that intervenes. Once their old dumb ass running around wears off, are they really going to be happy? Bitch just prostituted herself out to a married man and dumb married man took the bait. Yeah, sounds like a really good relationship. When you committed already to someone else. Trash bag hookers….

    • Drew, as you, I also had dealbreakers going in to my relationship with RRR, and he had them memorized: lying, cheating, porn, drugs, disrespect/abuse, theft/financial chicanery… He said he respected my boundaries and knew I would walk away if he crossed the lines, just like I believed he had healthy boundaries as well. Even when the “big reveal” happened, and I found hard evidence of all but drug use (still wonder if he just hid it well), he back pedaled and double clutched, insisting I move the goalposts so he could “get his shit right and come home to work on us.” He was horribly offended that I could forgive but not forget almost 2.5 years of deceit, and wouldn’t let him prove himself and us reconcile.
      I am so thankful a higher power intervened in your circumstances, as I believe happened in mine as well. We teach people how to treat us by what we allow (once it is out of the shadows, that is). I told RRR that I forgive him, but there is no second chance. He knew from the start where the boundaries were, as well as the consequences, and he chose to play ball anyway. No more am I a chump to relight that match. One third degree burn is enough for me.

  • Not surprising to know cheaters are in it for the money. #novalues #shallow #prostitution #happilyeverafter…NOT

  • #prostitutionwhore #vomit #isittheflu #isitfoodpoisoning #amipregnantwiththemarriedfool
    #prostitutionwhore (table flip) (middlefinger)
    LOL

  • Prostitution is illegal. An illegal contract cannot be enforced. Extortion is illegal too. No one needs to pay this entitled home wrecker. We don’t negotiate with terrorists!

    Furthermore, this guy is the booby prize & he will continue to cheat forever because he has a character disorder. I bought these same lies! It’s not like he has to completely change his phone # because a 10 year old can block callers & email. He stays in contact with her because he wants to. Cake cake & more cake! And now he’s trying to sweeten the deal with $$. This is crazy-making! No money to the AP and enforce your boundaries and self-respect and end the marriage!

  • Do not agree to this crazy request.

    Any man who would subject his partner/girlfriend/wife to lying and cheating is not a good man. And to kick you while you’re down by triangulating and dragging your stress level up by having you even considering this kind of BS is worth taking to court and getting every red cent that you can during your divorce! She sounds insane as well. Go No COntact, try to pull your energy into focus to fight for yourself. Neither of these two snakes are on your side. Your “husband” is trying to screw you and make you think it’s your fault. It’s what they do when caught. I’m so sorry!

    He absolutely sucks. You deserve so much more than this ridiculous jerk!

  • So even if Emma, in this case, is a troll as ChumpLady discovered, all of the advice is relevant. This fictional situation in which a fictional OW wants a fictional chump to pay for her to go away is no different than all the other true life examples in which our spouse wants to meet his affair partners needs while ignoring & devaluing ours. It’s over. A relationship in which our needs don’t matter is not ever going to get better.

  • Yes, he is only staying out of 1. guilt, and 2. fear of losing finances. And if he wanted her out of his life, he would do that. So, not much for you to work with, but you seem quite happy in this situation. If you are happy with codependency, then stay. Your love is THAT strong, after all. *sigh*

  • She’s loving his behaviour. If it was really that bad she would leave. We teach people how to treat us. She is not imposing consequences on him, so if she insists on being a doormat she should suck it up and stop complaining. Her life is her choice after all.

    Of course he won’t divorce. He has the perfect marriage with a wife who allows anything.

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