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Hopium Translations

Chumpy hearts die hard. Armed with the smallest evidence that a freak still cares, a chump will assign great significance to scraps. HE CALLED (to ask that I pick up his dry-cleaning.) HE RETURNED (to get his kayak). SHE WANTS ME (can I babysit tonight?)

Sigh. It’s what makes us chumps — idiotically ascribing decent intent to the indecent. Believing, in spite of all the evidence to the contrary, and a swirling muddle of mixed messages, in there someone our freak still LOVES us.

We call this affliction hopium. Symptoms include pointless rounds of unproductive marriage counseling and unicorn sightings.

Today’s Fun Friday challenge — thought up by you all in the comments the other day — is to pose translations of facts versus hopium.

Fact: I bought a self-help book.

Hopium: The cheater is going to read it.

Betty Ford Clinic-grade Hopium: The cheater is going to read it, highlight significant passages, and we’ll stay up all night in our pajamas drinking tea discussing it!

Did anyone out there chase after unicorns? (I was soooOOOO close! I almost grabbed it’s silky rainbow tail!) What crazy optimism did you possess?

Translations please, and TGIF!

(P.S. Speaking of magical things, I get to see RANDY RAINBOW tonight in concert! Yea!!!)

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at [email protected]. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • D-Day was discard Day too, never saw it coming in true narcopath style.

    Hopium of all sorts, was the glue that held my marriage together for two decades!

    • Me, too. He sat down and said, “I’m done with you.”

      The closest I got to Hopium was my own, which I’d fostered over the years: “Oh, he’s just having a midlife crisis (of faith in our marriage, as I didn’t yet know about OW), and, poor thing, he’s just never learned to get in touch with his own feelings! He’s acting out and will come around if I just back off and let him fuss himself out.” No, as it turns out. Just… no.

      • Mine never actually told me he was leaving, never sat me down to say anything at all. I just kept having to solve the mystery of what the hell was going on.

        • Mine too! It’s a part of the game for them! The cake eater will let it go on as long as they possibly can! They are cowardly assholes who only care about themselves!

        • twitching
          i’m late to this post, but OMG sooooo true. I had the same exact experience. It was me solving riddles and play on words, answers without saying anything, complete silence and turning on his heels, or just silence… many fun and games. I finally gave up and never asked questions and that just made it more fun for him to get away with whatever the hell was going on !!!

      • That’s exactly what I did. I kept waiting for him to get over whatever phase he was in.


    • D-Day was Eye-Opener Day for me. Decades of puzzle pieces started coming together for me – his weird behaviors, his odd explanations, his constant blaming and finding fault with me, etc. All of which had conditioned me to walk on eggshells and jump through hoops to make him happy… D-Day was the tipping point although I hadn’t quite yet realized that I had been living in the cycle of abuse. The ever-present hopium that he would change/grow up/love me without keeping score did loosen some of its hold on me.

      The vestiges of hopium, however, swayed me to give him a chance to redeem himself after I confronted him with evidence of emailing, texting, calling not just one but many women over the course of a few years – he swore nothing physical ever happened and he “flirted” with other women because the attention made him feel “attractive and wanted”. I fell into the trap and pick-me danced to boot. BUT you all know the outcome of second chances with narcs. I also found out later that his “habit” had be going on since the beginning of our marriage. During the final rage and issuing his usual threat to leave me, I said “I think you’re right and you should leave.” Not the answer he was expecting, but he did leave and I refused to let him come back!

      I walked through hell divorcing him, but it was worth it!!!

      • Over and Out,

        You message speaks volumes to me. I wake up every day and still struggle with “trusting that he sucks.”-even though his actions, (D-day WAS discard day, he had found a new source. I was completely blindsided) undeniably suck. But the same thing has happened for me too. As soon as he left, things started to click. Behaviors that hadn’t ever made sense-the constant need for a power imbalance through distance and withdrawal. The casual comparisons he made about me, to his female friends (that hurt) and everything always seemed to be about him. I also hadn’t known I was in an abusive dynamic, and I’m absolutely positive I don’t know the depth of each of his indiscretions.
        It’s been about 7 months since D-day, and the coldest discard. He slept with one of my best friends and told me over a year after the fact, when he had “stopped caring about our relationship.”
        I was in a tail spin. Trying so hard to untangle the skein. There are still some days that it’s tempting.
        The OW came back around and tried to “apologize” really just to clear herself of her guilt. I shut that shit down, and have been very proud of the assertive boundaries that have followed the pain of a double betrayal.
        I was getting a haircut the other day, and my hairdresser asked,
        “So does the other woman still try to contact you?”
        and I said, why would she do that? She knows she can’t use me as the space to forgive herself anymore. If she’s trying to humiliate me, she can’t. You can’t humiliate someone else when you’re the fool.

        I’ve decided I don’t care about the details I don’t know. The cheater and my ex friend can live with their actions themselves, and the weight of that shame. I don’t need to know the details to know what the story is.
        The story is: those two people do not, and never did deserve me. Chump, or Mighty.
        And I am building an incredible life without them.
        (I just got back from a 3 week solo trip to Ireland and Amsterdam, and await acceptance letters from my dream school to become a psychologist!)

        Sending heaps of love and support to all of my fellow chumps. New and old.
        None of this is a reflection upon you.
        You are f*cking MIGHTY


        • Congratulations on moving forward with your life! I am with you – don’t need to know the sordid details and don’t need toxic people sullying up my life. Good luck and keep us posted!

          • Thank you! Ditto!
            Congrats on your new life!

            Will definitely keep you posted.


        • I think some of this is is is
          a reflection on me and my childhood conditioning that I am now addressing.

          Why did I keep letting cheater covert narc #1 pull all his shit over 30+ years?

          Maybe I didn’t know about these kinds of people at first but I bought the hopium for more than 30 years. I’m a highly intelligent woman. I wanted it to be what I thought it could me and I spent a good part of my life in denial.

          Chumpy me and Awesome me weren’t connected to each other or Life itself.

          I let old unresolved religious messages and skewed parental role models overshadow my taking responsibility for my life and my decision making ability and connection to myself. Instead I put up with an unsatisfactory relationship for more than 30 years. Yes I have beautiful children that I love and adore.
          And yes I wanted them to have a stable family unit.
          But at what expense to myself?
          And what about the role model that they were shown?

          My chumpiness is why I am separated for four years with no divorce yet from stbxh cheater covert narc #1 and got involved with narco cheater # 2 who’s abuse caused me enough trauma that I am now commited to myself and recovery and getting back to the loving me and embracing my life.

          CL has given me a shot of “wtf girl? get on with it”

          • omg langele
            I can soooo relate to this,,,I don’t understand myself….why did I let this shit go on for 17years, was I in denial…or what…no, I am beginning to understand that the depths of betrayal and silence, not so much lies if they just don’t tell you anything..but here I am an intelligent woman and I let myself be treated with ‘disrespect’ and let him ‘get away’ with whatever because I just did not understand what I was involved with a Narcissist, covert or whatever and I gave up trying…I mean I stopped asking (I cared, but I guess I let on I didn’t) it was just to much mental mindf’ing for me to understand what was going on) a part of me thought everything was fine, the other part of me checking out mentally at times was that I guess I did not want to realize that I was being betrayed possibly or that all the silence from him was to cover shadiness and affair(s) or just that one howorker that hung in there the whole time?
            I still struggle with what was ‘wrong’ with me? Why did I let this happen? What if I did this or that, maybe he would not have been the narcissist that he was? Why would he want to dupe me? why why why.
            Now I’m with your thought process, I cannot make myself physically ill anymore wondering what he was doing all these years….I need to try to get into a better frame of mind and try to move on. It’s tough

        • ???? spot on. I’m new to this forum, but have been living this lie for far too long. I have to say I’m scared of what is to come, but know I cannot continue living with this narcissistic asshole any longer. I keep reminding myself I will be better off. “Just keep swimming “ right?

  • Fact: I wear the dress Rhys asked me to wear over to his place. He states that if I do this, I’ll be his “girlfriend for the day.”

    Hopium: He’ll realize when he sees me that I should be his girl for the long term!

    BFC-GH: He’ll toss aside his other plans and be with me forever!

    (Geez, the shit I did for a little acknowledgement…)

    • Same here, VC. Would rather forget the indignities I subjected myself to, let alone the ones SirLiesalot did over the course of 20 years. Gotta get better at the selective amnesia cheaters are so good at!

      • The problem with indignities is they become part of you because they mutilate your identity and thereby become part of your awareness of yourself, it’s why emotional abuse traumatises and leads to CPTSD.

        • This is so true! I still hear his voice in my head mocking me ????. It’s hard to get over 23 years of emotional abuse. I am so looking forward to meh.

      • “Sir Liesalot”. I almost busted a gut reading that, I did literally laugh out loud. It’s great! We should make teeshirts and send them to these psychos.

  • Exactly me. Every time he came to the home to fix something or offer help to change the oil on the car. I believe he was still interested in me and reconciling. I was WRONG. His actions only delayed my healing and moving forward.

    • I get this. but it was precisely during one of these sorts of moments, when I tried to set aside my own hurt and hatred and reconnect to XH, to remember that we were (until last week) best friends, that he scored one of the top three cruelest moments in the whole debacle: I asked him (knowing I hadn’t been sleeping or eating or functioning, basically), “So, how ARE you?” and he paused for a moment and said, “I’m GREAT, actually,” and it felt like he’d taken a knife and just jammed it right into my heart. Again. What. An. Asshole.

      • Yes, about 2 weeks after my utter humiliation she messaged me to tell me how beautiful her new relationship was, what great chemistry they had, how he was the most gentle, caring, educated, intelligent, cultured man who provided her with “everything I ever dreamed of” and then said “I love him. I moved on”. All of the language she used was borrowed from the letters I’d written following the discard, she was borrowing my own language used to describe our relationship to describe her relationship. The qualities she described were meant to undermine me further. Not only was I alone after betrayal, I had to face her joy. That lasted four months before she asked me to be her friend before ignoring me again because she found the man she’s now with.

        • Simon, a few weeks after my humiliating discard, X called my Mother to tell her that leaving me was the best decision he’d ever made and has never been happier in his life.

          I don’t think they’re capable of knowing happiness. Happy people don’t think about hurting other people.
          Happy people are too busy being happy.

          I suggest keeping a journal to record all the crappy things your X has done to hurt and humiliate you. Whenever you feel sad or miss what you thought you had with X read the journal to bring you back to reality and who she really is.
          Trust that she sucks..,

          • Simon you connected to cruel selfish sadistic woman. Do they select us? Absolutely.

            You have the ability to meet other people. The narcissistic connection involves large doses of love bombing.

            It’s typical for the malignant ones to Fuck with your head. That’s NOT a bond. It’s an asshole being sadistic. Recognize it as such.

            She said she loves you; that’s not love. She’s toxic. Is that what you want?

          • Here in Alaska, we have these weeds that grow up around the yard in the summer. They grow really quickly and cover a lot of ground (sorry, I don’t know what they’re called). But here’s the thing: you can clear an enormous patch of them away in about ten seconds, because the roots are so tiny, there’s nothing to ground them. So one can grab gobs and gobs of them with barely a light tug, they disengage so easily.

            I think cheaters are like that. They LOOK substantial. They even FEEL substantial. But they aren’t substantial. There was never anything holding them solidly in place to begin with. That was all us.

            Not to add pain to more pain, but I think most of what I thought was connectedness with XH was all me projecting my stuff onto him. As my therapist said, “There are a lot of definitions of love. One might say, for instance, ‘I love pizza’.” — Right?

            You’ll get there. It’s awful. It’s four years for me now (I’m just back visiting because this month would have been our wedding anniversary, so I’m a bit stuck, minor relapse), and it takes a long long time. As CL says, you will eventually stop untangling the skein and realized they are just giant balls of dysfunction and we are, actually, lucky to be rid of them, though at times it really doesn’t feel that way. I’m sorry.

          • I chuckle with the knowledge that the cheater narc who managed me down is now known to me for the lying mean sadistic fake user that he really is. Not the dashing southern older guy with poise and charisma, hours of viagra sex and love bombing. He couldn’t keep up the charade as much as I wished he could. It was a con.
            All the good stuff was me. He got nuttin. Turned out he’s not too bright either. Philosophy?
            Hahahaha I don’t think he could read very well either.
            But he sure fooled me for a while. I’m still recovering financially.

            • One more comment Simon.
              What you loved was not her;
              it was you, because that’s what she mirrored.

              • That is a powerful statement. Now that I think about it, all the ones that I loved and hurt me were the ones that were mirroring me and faking the things that I found attractive.

        • Simon, dear Simon.
          Reading your posts you sound like such a good, kind, loving, thoughtful man.
          Your cheater finds her tru wuv happiness in a bar, different bar, different happiness.
          If she finds and dates the equivalent of Jesus Christ Superstar, it is never going to be enough for her.
          Leave her to her bar hopping and her artificial tru wuv of the Day
          Be kind, be gentle with yourself.
          No contact, let your wounds heal. Time can be on your side. A man such as you, will find someone worthy, in time.
          Give it healing time Simon.
          Mightiness is in you. Bring it forth!
          CN believes in YOU!

          • No, I won’t meet anyone now, it took me a decade and a half to meet her, my time has gone. I thought, when I met her, it was a miracle. Women have never either desired nor liked me. What happened between us was really a miracle, but only for me, not her. She was having miracles most weeks I think and had a large harem of casual partners I was triangulated with. Just, she was hurt, desperate and devalued and needed to restore her sense of significance and I was like crack levels of love for her. She had never met anyone like me before and so it was a new type of attention and she loved it but once the newness wore off, even twenty five years of reading philosophy and literature couldn’t provide enough novel ways to express all she meant to me, soon it got familiar and she wanted sparkly new men with expensive watches, cars and apartments who could take her to the best places and buy her expensive things. Only when hurt did her humanity surface and once she felt secure, she sought her dreams, which didn’t include me.

            • Oh, Simon, I’m so sorry you feel this way. — I have felt the same way you do now, but I always tell myself that I absolutely never saw Dday in my future, therefore my ability to predict the future appears to be quite terrible. Why, then, should I proclaim confidently that I’ll never meet anyone else? I mean, I might, right? I don’t know that. And neither do you.

              And before you start in about how you’re an introvert who never socializes and never leaves their house, how you’re socially awkward or “unattractive” (whatever that means), how you’ll never again trust another woman to not completely be lying to your face every minute, … Well, I’ve though these things, too. Let’s face it, I’m a 53 year old woman and that’s mostly in the “invisible” category, and I often joke that unless a man walks into my living room while I’m curled up with my books and my dogs and my cup of tea, then I’ll never meet a guy either — and someone uninvitedly standing in the middle of my living room is probably NOT the guy I want to date anyway (though he could hardly be worse than XH — Ha!).

              Look, all I’m saying is this: leave just a sliver, a smidgen, a wisp of a chance. You can do that, right? Anyone who has twenty-five years of philosophy and literature behind them can’t be all bad (as is evidenced by my moniker).

              FWIW, I haven’t met anyone, and I’m not actively looking. I’m just saying that I don’t know what’s going to happen in my future, and neither do you. So set that aside just now, work on building your own life, whatever you want. And your vicious cruel sadistic and utterly oblivious ex? To hell with her. You’re better than a thousand of her. (And I’m so sorry she said those things to you — I think sometimes they’re vicious, and sometimes they genuinely think we’ll be happy for them. That WAS our previous role, y’know? Cheerleader for their awesomeness? Still, so so very painful. I’m sorry.)

              • I’d surely feel like a worthless dishrag if the cheater narc #2 had his way. The pure sadustic undermining was so perfectly executed that if I were not a voracious reader and had not come to understand this behavior to be the common pattern of narcs, I would feel like you Simon.
                But as fortune would have it, the narc is exposed and I am recovering.
                Simon, what a sick witch she is under her disguise – the false mask you believe. That what narcs do – harvest the host. She did a number on you and you need to know it and rediscover and love Simon.

        • Simon,
          I’m so sorry for the pain that has been thrust upon you. I have been saying “I’m cured of men”, but I forget there are men like you out there that have been hurt by some psychobitch just as women on this site have been totally duped by psychobastards.

          Your post has me re-thinking my position which is a healthier move to the middle. I don’t want “Sir Liesalot” to take my socially healthy self from me. He doesn’t deserve to take anything from me, nor does your Madam Liesalot deserve to take anything from you. I am busy trying to not allow scars to form on my psyche due to his craziness. It has been a difficult road but I know I will be better and stronger for it. Domestic violence counseling has helped a lot. I am so much happier. I refuse to let him ruin any part of my life. Just some things to think about.

          • I’m in the same boat as you ladies and you simon. I felt I had met the man of my dreams, truly a gem, I was swept off my feet. He had everything I had always dreamed of, he was fun, exciting, intelligent, etc etc etc. He treated me like gold (lovebombing stage) I did not know about narcissism. Anyway, flash forward and little bits of dark side came out…mask slipped a little…Now after all that, and it did something to me, I was like living in fantasyland, remembering and romancing in my mind what I thought he was like in the beginning. So now after he died and I find out the truth, I wonder, will I ever find someone…I’m not exactly young..I don’t see how I will meet that special’s very difficult. And it could be lonely….Some days I don’t want to face, don’t know how I will fill my days up…everything has changed. I know that sounds pitiful. There is so much that was done, I found out more news today. He even triangulated his sister in the mix with me so now I get to endure and suffer still after he’s gone. Nice aftermath ! Still being played after he’s gone! So, now all I can try to do is do something for myself, learn new things, read, go back to school, always learn something new…try not to think about what if ever we will meet someone’s hard not to wonder that everyday since it was a long time before I met this wonderful guy and in a lot of ways he was, but that’s what makes it so confusing. That’s how I know I was in the midst of a narcissist. Let’s keep hoping and keep the faith. Faith is sometimes all we got

  • After Dday he said, “I’m doing all the things with he I want to do with you.”

    I made him a nice dinner and as we were eating I started talking about all the things I wanted to do with him believing his statement was one of hope that the man who smoked a joint while mowing the lawn had awakened to MY needs.

    Finally, he wanted to DO something other than get hivh, drunk,and watch lien in the basement. Finally, he got it.

    Such a cruel prick of trickery right to the finish line. No he WAS doing all the things I wanted to do with her already. Such foolish hopium, i flatlined.

    Knowing I was done having thrown him out I gave him until his birthday weeks away to make his decision. He asked my daughter if he should invite me to his birthday celebration and she said NO.

    I filed and had a pulse. And that elusive unicorn gets to grow old knowing every year he CHOSE the skank. Celebrate that parting gift sucker. That was my parting gift. I stopped fighting.

    • “the man who smoked a joint while mowing the lawn had awakened to MY needs” omg howling over this

    • “And that elusive unicorn gets to grow old knowing every year he CHOSE the skank. Celebrate that parting gift sucker. That was my parting gift. I stopped fighting.”

      Doingme, you rock! I also had a lightbulb moment after the chump-a-thon. I don’t “fight” to keep a man who vowed to love and cherish me forever with a bimbo from Facebook. I handed her him with both hands. It’s been years now, and he still always tries to provoke me into giving a crap. Nope. Grey rock parenting. Not getting dragged back into their drama. Making me the arch enemy is the glue that holds their relationship together…Schmoopie actually saved me from a cruel man that was mistreating all of us.

      He’s her problem now. I know what I deserve and what I’m worth.

      • Yes. That is a great quote. The unicorn gets to live with the consequences of its own stupidity.

        • Only he is too stupid to know what he lost and that he made the wrong choice.. .. .. living with consequences means having some kind of awareness that you did something wrong in the first place.. .. wasband STILL thinks he did nothing wrong and it was ALL my fault. .. .. not his staying out all night, not his secret meth use and behavior, not his lying, or cheating.. ..

          He does NOT feel bad because he never took accountability in the first place.. .. He us too shallow to feel bad, and too stupid to realize he lost a good thing. AND THAT IS HIS KARMA

          • Agree 100%, Mrs, they are really such stupid, shallow narcs, they don’t even realize what they did and are doing.

            It reminds of the scene inthe film Out of Africa where cheater husband, whose cheating gave syphilis to Karen Blixen, watches her fly off to happiness and asks “What did I do wrong?”. They are that stupid.

            The reason why I don’t get my bowels in an uproar about waiting and watching out for his karma bus come by. I’m taking care of me (and daily reminding myself of chumpy I was and how stupid I was to smoke the hopium pipe).

          • Mine had to be right at all costs. Even when patently wrong. He’ll only admit to being wrong if it makes him look good…but the truth is even then he still thinks he’s right. What the fck ever! They are colossal jerks. And chumps there is a vast majority of them who are okay being cunts.

      • Laughing at myself for all the mistakes I made as I hurried to write that post this morning. My eyes weren’t open yet and I slept through my alarm.

        Ms. Vain

        We take our goodness with us; the disorder is gone, shoo, shoo you pesky illusion.

        What matters is that WE didn’t lose something good!!! Lets smoke THAT in our pipe.

        • We take our goodness with us; the disorder is gone, shoo, shoo you pesky illusion.

          What matters is that WE didn’t lose something good!!! Lets smoke THAT in our pipe.

          Amen to that!!!

  • Fact: I rent a swanky downtown luxury loft via Airbnb, take the day off work and send a cab to pick her up so we can celebrate our 15th anniversary with a randy bit of “couples time.”

    Hopium: I’m not stale or boring, I’m every bit as capable of being the thoughtful and interesting person she thought I was when we were first going out.

    BFC-GH: She’ll that she’s jeopardizing the life and family we’ve spent 15 years building by continuing to fuck around.

    That evening, while I was in the lobby waiting for our food delivery (Indian — her favorite, of course), she was inviting the Carrot Singer over for sex in our home the following morning, after our daughters boarded the bus for school.

    • Just puked over that one (over KK’s evil, nit UX’s hopium habit)

    • Ugh, she is something else. You, on the other hand, should like a wonderful loving person.

      Your names for the characters never cease to make me smile.


    • UX thats exacly what I kept thinking. What kept me smoking the hopium for so long. The thought that he cares about his kids. That he will realize he is jeapordizing the life and family we have spent 35yrs building. My last straw? My nephew dies and I have to cancel a trip we had planned as a long weekend getaway. I discovered he called in a filler for the weekend. with whom I have no idea becasue he is the master of secret affairs and hook ups. I only realized it due to a slip of the tongue on his part. today, after nearly four years of it, I stop smoking. its a sick feeling. my heart pounding, legs and arms kind of numb and tingling. almost like a panic attack (that doesn’t go away) but my mind is crystal clear.

      • Withdrawal is always hard …at first. Hang in there, willow, you will get better and better. This is your brain OFF hopium.

      • willow,
        I am so sorry for the loss of your nephew, and for how your cheater has treated you.
        Wishing you strength, followed by peace, in the days ahead.

        • So sorry for your loss Willow. And no doubt this was a cousin to your children.

          I think it creeps up on us Willow. Staying (tolerating) because we hope and love. We really do want to hold on to those breadcrumbs we’ve become accustomed to over time. When I look back I was always there for him when he needed me the most. He was never there for me when it really counted.

          Now that you see him; leave for your children’s sake. Show them you are strong and that you do not tolerate abuse. Say nothing. Find a lawyer and gather all your financial information. File.

      • Been there..shock. Strength to you today and as you slog through the hell that is betrayal and divorce. While the pain surges, get you finances solidly together and frozen. Find a good lawyer. Hugs. Peace, send out messages to the girlfriends so they can be there for you. ????

  • Fact: after he left, he would stop by a couple times a week to transport son to practice.

    Hopium: If I dressed like June Clever(2016 version) had a fabulous meal on on the table and the polished seen but not heard kids eating dinner, he would realize he was missing this wonderful American dream and stay.

    Betty ford clinic upgrade: After dinner, he would become Ward Cleaver and help with the dishes.

    • Ahhhh…perfect ourselves so they would realize what they were losing. I did this, too. Countless times.

      Only plus side is that I did end up improving in a couple of areas I needed to. And my kids and friends (and me) get the benefits. He just gets silence and distance.

      • Yes it is good to be reminded that someone still gets the benefits of our efforts to improve even if it isn’t the unappreciative cheater. Like so many others, I spent years trying to be perfect so ex would love me. I failed at that, but I did improve and now others will get to appreciate the benefits of those improvements he never had the decency to notice. Other people will think we are awesome and that awesomeness isn’t tainted by a sick soul.

  • If I just make no demands on him at all, he’ll realise he’d be happier if we got married! Much much happier!

    He’s allowed to have friends at work. Female friends who are twenty years younger, and who he goes out to long lunches with. Female friends who his workmates assume he’s dating, and who, when they say to him, ‘So you guys are together then?’, he has to explain to them that no, they’re not together. And then he tells me this. It’s GOOD that he tells me this. It shows we have no secrets.

    I am sure that in time, his mother will stop referring to me as the cross she has to carry. And that he’ll stop going home to his parents’ house. Every. Single. Weekend.

    He wouldn’t keep asking me out to dinner if he didn’t at least appreciate my mind slightly.

    If I just give him lots and lots of time and space, he’ll soon realise I’m the one. After all, that time he admitted to me that he’d been on CatholicMatch looking for someone else, and she threw him over – that was when he realised where the real QUALITY was. Right here in me. It had nothing to do with her throwing him over.

  • I had suspected for years he was he was trolling for new Schmoopies but his denials and my speckling plus after 40 years, one thinks ” he’s just a big flirt! ” Surely he wouldn’t betray me at this age and stage of our lives! Wrong! ” I was so schocked and devasted, maybe it was my age, but I had absolutely no thought of reconciliation. I was scared to death! I mourned the loss of the life I shared with him for 40 years. But, had no illusions that I could ever forgive him or that I wanted him back. It did take a while to believe that he was capable of such dishonesty. I always thought he was a decent man. I know now he sucks!
    I was very very very lucky and read Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life, and then found this blog. Like so many here, it saved my sanity and gave me the strength to move on with life. It’s almost a year and if I’m not quite at meh I’m pretty darn close! Thanks Tracy and CN you truly are heros to us all!

    • Silverqueen you are my hero! Again, I thought the same thing. Surely at this stage of our lives… He even said it too. But lo and behold…

    • Silverqueen, our stories are similar. I admire your self-regard and determination. Today is 9 months post Dday (#3), and I want nothing more than release from this 30-year chapter. There’s too little of my life left to waste another second on someone capable of cheater-level betrayal. I kicked my hopium habit after RIC crap from decades ago. Made the mistake of assuming unicorn transformation and his growing up. Ha. I thank all that is right in the universe that I found Tracy and this fab community so that I didn’thave to huff that $#!t again. Grateful for CL & CN! Bless each one of you!

      • (((((ChumpDiva)))))
        When we say the vow “Until death do us part” we don’t expect to die while we still have a pulse, while we are still breathing, we are still alive. But cheaters knock the very breath right out of a Chump on DDAY(S).
        You resurrected your body and your soul.
        YOU are Mighty.
        I am so proud of you!

    • Silver, I copy and paste you word for word. I could not bring myself to believe my ex, the father of my sons, and his whole family of opportunistic, freeloading, crowdfunders with other people’s monies, were such jerks.

    • Yep with you both. 30 yrs. getting better after about a year from day. I think we older chumps have an advantage of having walked through hell a few times and know we will survive and recover. Still Healing and at times in awe of what has happened. But still standing and occasionally dancing. Hugs


      I so relate. 35 years of marriage and “there’s NO WAY My wasband would do such a thing. Not THE DOCTOR!! Not the guy I married in college!

      But he was a practiced liar, and so disordered that I believe more & more, than HE believes his own lies. Even now, even with proof of his lies, which I assume he justifies and therefore…they’re not lies(??)

      And he could be cruel. The “Gift” he gave me was that he was such a shitty CHRONICALLY lying man during the divorce, with some public FB posts about the “love of his life” whom he JUST met the day after I filed for divorce (for no reason, or for MY greed)

      I do not miss HIM. YES I have a lot of mourning to do and have done quite a bit of processing. A lot of “WTF was I missing/thinking/not noticing?”

      The “trust that they suck” was something I mightily resisted. “But no, MY wasband does not suck..Not all the time. Sometimes he’s….not sucking…”

      But he is sucking.

      I believe my wasband cared about me and our kids UNTIL/UNLESS he had to give up something or even just delay getting something he wanted.

      Never ever truly gave up something – to my knowledge. But when he delayed doing something HE wants to do – something NO GOOD man would make his family do again – moving to the remote tundra where none of us wanted to live AGAIN, FOR HIM (“you’re welcome, DOCTOR Taker”)

      then he seethed with resentment but never told me. Even denied wanting a divorce – but wanting a divorce was the only explanation for practically daring me to file (which I did, and he got mad!)


      “he SAYS he misses us” (while he lives 3000 miles away by HIS choice over my objections).

      Hopium – “HE MUST BE SEEING THE LIGHT! HE Won’t ever do this shit again! HE SEES MY VALUE”


      He misses regular sex and increased expenses and thinks He doesn’t look so great living that far away from his family. Other doctors say there’s a low retention rate with doctors who don’t move there with their families…THEY are concerned.”

      Fast forward 10 years and he does it AGAIN. Only this time, Schmoopie gives him HER family to be HIS family. And OUR FAMILY?

      Who’s that?

      He’s dropped off the planet. While I think he did ME a favor by not being in my face and great helping with NC, I do worry about the kids. Can they really be okay while knowing their dad did not care enough about them to show up for their lives?

      • It’s difficult to know whether they do believe their lies. My ex seems to. They act as if they do. I think they tell so many lies to account for the reality of their behaviour that they simply daren’t refer-back at all because they have too much to remember.

    • Silver queen! You are mighty!

      You’re story sounds so much like mine. I had suspicions, but I immediately dismissed them thinking he would never betray me. Besides, who would sleep with an old, gross, short, fat, bald guy? How naive was I? Apparently there was no shortage of schmoopies over a span of nearly 40 years.

      It boggles my mind that I was unaware, but there was only 1 DDay 2 1/2 years ago. I knew immediately that anyone who can live a secret double life for decades is not someone I wanted to invest more of my heart into. Breaking the trauma bond was really hard, but now I am happier than I have ever been.

      Glad you also kicked the hopium habit!!

  • Fact: He sends me a £2500 engagement ring to prove his commitment.

    Hopium: I return expensive ring (instead of throwing it in the street) in hopes that he’ll see that I actually do care very deeply about him.

    BFC-GH: The ring actually meant something… instead of being a disordered persons expensive carrot.

  • FACT: Our four teenagers decide to confront Sir Liesalot and lovingly warn him that, if he chooses Mistress Moron over the family, his relationship with each of them will never be the same, and they will erect boundaries that include severe contact limitations intended to sway him back to the path of integrity.
    HOPIUM: Surely he loves his kids like he says he does and this brave thing they’ve done will knock sense into him so he sees all that he was willing to give up, and he will be willing to reconcile with the mother of his children.
    BFC-GH: He will plead with me to forgive his serial cheating ass and show oodles of genuine remorse that inspires him to wanna make it all up to me over the next 25 yrs of marriage.

    BTW, he laughed at our kids and said, yeah, we’ll see how long that lasts. He just refused to believe that anyone, his kids included, would be able and willing to resist his awesomeness and voluntarily remove themselves from his world. That was three years ago, and our kids dug in their heels. He’s seen each of the elder three once in that time, and hasn’t seen the youngest at all. They say it’s his loss, and have really appreciate the other men of integrity that have stepped up to fill the gap (uncles, friends’ dads, etc). Their strength inspires me to find my mighty, since I don’t believe I am allowed to remarry until my ex dies.

    • WOW!!!! Holy cow he laughed??? Unbelievable. Well kudos to you and your amazing children for filling your lives with quality people!!!

      • Yes, he actually laughed. They have been amazingly strong, thanks for the reply!

        • Bless your amazing children! What guts & integrity they have! Clearly got that from YOU, Owlbaby. You are so better off without that…thing.

          • Thanks, Chump Diva! Gonna put that in my phone under his number, “thing,” he doesn’t even deserve a capital T 😉

        • When my son called him on the carpet and told his father how disgusted he was with what he did and that my son wants nothing to do with the woman, my son said “dad had tears in his eyes”. The tears were not for my son, but for the ex being “exposed” for what he had done.
          Narcs cannot deal with humiliation.

      • Yes, they are, FindingBliss! I do believe their is an underground rebellion afoot in such teenagers. From reading here at CN, I think their numbers are actually swelling, and the cheater nation will soon have to reckon with them!

    • This is the same story as my sons (18 and 23 at the time)!
      No acknowledgment, response or remorse form their father. He told them he didn’t know what they were talking about even though my sons knew her for over 15 years.
      Lost his sons forever.
      My sons and I are closer than ever! I adore them!

      • I think that is the worst part of it for our kids, Rebecca…absolutely no remorse or validating of the pain their father have caused them. He won’t even acknowledge that, which just pisses our kids off, right? And then the exes scream “parental alienation” to anyone who will listen. Pansies, the lot of ’em.

        • So true!
          Is there a thing called self-alienation?

          But our kids know who is the true parent is and who loves them no matter what.

          They pushed and pulled me thru the devastation. They are beyond proud of me and have learned the true meaning of commitment and honesty.

          The best news is that they don’t miss him or need him in their lives.

          • Re: self-alienation.
            Yes, Rebecca, they do it to themselves, then use it as another brick in the sad sausage wall of self-pity: “Oh, pooor me! I deserve another Schmoopie or 3.”

    • Yes, my kids have basically done the same to their cheater-troll-dad. I am mighty for them!

      • Good for them. Our kids seem to be better at setting boundaries than we are, at least at the outset. I definitely had a far flatter learning curve than they did, geeeesh!

        • My DD (15 last year when this all came out) was so much clearer & wiser than I. When sad sausage complained about missing the family, she said,”He did it to himself.” Mic drop.
          I pray she won’t have to ever feel that pain herself, but she’s far smarter than i ever was at her age. And we can ALL thank at least ONE sane, present parent with integrity for having already laid a firm foundation of real love, respect and support for these kids. My relationship with my son is so much closer than it was. There is some good that comes of losing a Cheater! Lots more ahead, too.

          • Definitely, ChumpDiva! Our daughters sound like they’re cut from the same cloth. My ex texted her asking for details on her life, and she replied, “If you were where you were SUPPOSED to be, you would not have to ask that, and I am not going to help you keep doing what you’re NOT supposed to be doing.”

            Teenage chump mic-drop.

    • This is my son. He has taught me so much about boundaries, I love him to pieces.

    • I’m sorry that you believe that. I am guessing it’s a spiritual or cultural thing. I thought marriage was a one time thing. I think even if you’re of a different culture, you may enjoy divorce ministers biblical discussion. not To try to change you, but to help you explore the texts that guide your life and critically understand what that means.

      My father is a minister and he once performed a spiritual wedding for a woman who was a widow and her new boyfriend because she was disabled and her widows pension would end if she remarried legally, with paperwork. She felt very strongly that she and her man could not be together in a house and as partners intimately until they were married under god. So my father didn’t file papers, he just made sure god was ok with it, sealed them as partners, in a way which made her whole but didn’t remove her security financially.

      Marriage back in history wasn’t certified by all these different factions, and it was super mysoginistic in how the laws were written, because the times were of that mind. Explore whether your situation would be different if you were a man. And explore the why. Also explore the things of your culture that were also meant to protect women. When I think of Muslim women, I grew up in a heavily Muslim population and I came to understand there is some beauty in the meaning of the hijab or even burkas. That some women found them freeing because they never had to feel leered over, or it meant their culture was protecting them. It made them feel loved and secure. That’s amazing. They would talk about their family members who have multiple wives back home, but how each wife has to be treated equally. If they weren’t, it was up to the community to enforce change because the law of their culture was that multiple marriages meant you really had to keep it the same. Not my cup of tea, but- but- there were consequences if there was disparity. I have no idea what their scripture said about being unfaithful. I know that for women it gives their family the right to kill them even, in some understanding of the edicts. But… some very devout Muslim women I know would argue that the language of then, of only men, is not the only way to interpret it. That allah and their understanding of who he is now is that philosophically, spiritually, if their husband steps out, he is worthy of being considered dead. False in his contract of maintaining equity and therefore even if he’s not married to the other skank by law, etc, he’s meant to treat all his partners equal, and lying and hiding etc will never include that… he’s the one who was breaking the Muslim laws and she would be free to pursue another man because he should be dead. He’s not because you have to follow modern laws. I dunno. I guess they are the best coolest pile of progressive feminist but also traditional Muslim gals ever, but I thought it might be a perspective you could mull on.

      • Thanks for the reply, Creative. I am bound to my beliefs as a Christian where Jesus Himself says in Matthew 5:32 that any man who divorces his wife (except if she were unfaithful) causes her to commit adultery, and whoever would marry her would also be guilty of adultery. And adulterers will not enter the kingdom of heaven. So, I read that as saying that the divorce is not biblical in God’s eyes, so He does not recognize it. Otherwise, how could I be an adulterer unless I am still married to my husband in His eyes? And how could I truly love another man and let him risk his eternity by marrying me? It’s hard, but I just don’t see how I can marry and still remain true to my faith. I pass no judgment on others; it’s just something I cannot get past in good conscience. And since I made a vow before God, my husband’s breaking of his does not release me from mine, to love him and be faithful until death. I guess we all have our burdens to bear, and this is mine. But I appreciate you trying to lighten it 😉

        • Owlbaby, if your husband was unfaithful to you, you have every right to divorce (Jesus himself said so), especially if he is an unbeliever because Paul says we can let our unbelieving spouses go if they desert us! If you are Catholic, you might want to consider annulment and whether you truly had a sacramental marriage to begin with. Was you husband keeping secrets from you before marriage? Then you don’t have a sacramental marriage and are eligible for an annulment.

          • But I didn’t divorce him, he filed and divorced me, and I just cannot reconcile that I would be called an adulterer, and so would any man I choose to marry while my ex is alive. Very frustrating. But thanks for your thoughts!

            • The Lord’s heart is near to you, as he promises over and over, his special and tender love for widows and orphans. “Until death do us part.” I said those words, as well. I have come to accept that my husband’s choices caused the death of our marriage, even while we both live. I respect your commitment to scripture, but do pray that you are able to receive the special blessings reserved for the broken hearted and abandoned.

          • As a Catholic woman with a 35 year marriage ending in divorce, annulment is not something I can just do. That feels like erasure of a family we created, and enjoyed, no matter how off the path my wasband now is.

            We had 3 kids. I really believe that at least the first 2 of our 3 kids were conceived in a loving, committed marriage. (I hope all 3 were, obviously.)

            So if I am again part of a couple, I’m left with having to leave my church to remarry –

            OR to live with a man not married at all. I may well choose the latter.

            I don’t know.

            I’m seeing someone now, and he’s very kind to me and super smart. I feel beautiful and sexy around him.

            But I’m so leery of entering a new serious relationship after just leaving one, well…I have time sort of. DO WE HAVE TIME?

            I feel both pressed for time (I’m in my 50’s now & THIS raving beauty won’t last forever!) AND relaxed b/c I don’t feel the need to marry again.

            But I like the idea of someday being part of a couple again.

            The good news is that I do not miss my wasband, I miss who I thought he was but I really do accept that HE sucks and the man I thought he was, has been gone a long time.

            Bad things happen to good people. All around the world right now, bad things happen to good people – and they go on.

            They say “That was a terrible thing that happened. It really hurt a lot… AND SO, now what?”

            And the move forward in their lives. I am doing the same.

            • I think there is often a fundamental misunderstanding about annulment. An annulment means that there was not a spiritual marriage at the time it occurred, not that children are illegitimate or that folks weren’t married at all. While it was painful to answer questions about that time after my divorce, it was also healing to recognize how limited RonBurgundy was, how immature, and how his own father’s adultery and divorce drove our relationship. Your mileage may vary, but you might find healing in the process too, and be able remarry within the church when and if the time comes. Just a thought…

              • I appreciate your thoughts, but the bishops said this:

                —For a Catholic marriage to be valid, it is required that: (1) the spouses are free to marry; (2) they are capable of giving their consent to marry; (3) they freely exchange their consent; (4) in consenting to marry, they have the intention to marry for life, to be faithful to one another and be open to children; (5) they intend the good of each other; and (6) their consent is given in the presence of two witnesses and before a properly authorized Church minister. Exceptions to the last requirement must be approved by Church authority.—

                Even though the DOCTOR may not have had a spiritual belief at the time (he said he did), I cannot prove it, AND I’m not sure it would fall in the above categories. I don’t think our marriage would qualify for annulment b/c we met the criteria above, and besides,

                Do I really want to say it never happened, spiritually? (Let alone legally, though that’s a separate issue). I feel that saying my marriage was never valid in God’s eyes, would undermine so much of my life and my children’s.

                And I do think it was valid. He broke his vows but I think at the time, he meant them.

        • With all due respect, Owlbaby, I don’t think you’re bound to not remarry. I, too, believe marriage should be forever…but there is an exception for adultery. It’s right there in the verse you quoted:
          “Jesus Himself says in Matthew 5:32 that any man who divorces his wife (except if she were unfaithful) causes her to commit adultery.”
          The one exception is right there in black and white. Your husband was not faithful, he did not keep the marriage covenant, so you’re free to find someone new.
          Now, if you’re interpreting this that this only applies to a man — that only a man can remarry after his wife is unfaithful, but not a wife with an unfaithful husband — I would argue that you’re reading this way too narrowly. I don’t see why the same rule wouldn’t apply in reverse, as in your case. There are very few cases in the Bible where men and women get different sets of guidelines, and I don’t think this is one of the. I think He was just keeping things simple and straightforward.

          • But what about the vow I made? Does him breaking his negate mine? I’m scared to stand before God and use that as an excuse, and then be told I cannot enter heaven.

            • A contract need only be voided by one party. You have nothing to work with owl. I find this thread interesting because I too had these hang ups…till I read the Bible…really read. I also consulted the Quran. You are the spouse of a faithful partner. An unfaithful adulterous partner is no longer yours. You are effectively relieved of your end of that contract. The Islamic approach is far more clear and practical.
              Joseph, a widower remarried to Mary. Ruth,a widow remarried to Boaz. In fact Ruth proposed to Boaz! The Bible in second Timothy advises remarriage where possible.
              God’s ways are not ours but I can’t understand why He would deny a guiltless party future companionship.

            • An agreement or promise that only one party keeps is not an agreement. In the Old Testament, God allowed the Isrealites’ nation to be conquered, and then to be deported, because they did not honor their end of the bargain. As they did not keep the covenant, he was not bound by his part.
              (Don’t take this analogy too far, as you might end up thinking you have to take your spouse back after a period of exile!).

              Jesus gives you the exception in the very Scripture you quoted:
              “that any man who divorces his wife (except if she were unfaithful).” Why would he put that in there, if he didn’t mean it?

              • Sparkle, I could not reply up above to the comment you made regarding “God does not care about my happiness”, “but He does care about my being obedient”…there was no reply button.

                Why would you think that He does not give a hoot about your happiness as equally as He does your obedience? He very much does…it may be that your happiness lies in the quiet peace of getting away from a cheater who, clearly in God’s eyes, did not love you…God does not force people to love. God actually DOES care about your happiness…He just does not want you being stuck for a lifetime with a wicked man (hence, He gives the option for you to get a divorce or separation to be away from one), nor does He want you to make the same mistake in judgement again in the future (hence, He tells us to remain single or else reconcile if the cheater truly repents), nor does He want you to think that being “coupled” is the essence of all happiness available on this earth since it is ALL temporary. Really, with how things are in this age of electronics, cell phones and computers and all the sneaky crap available at the click of a button…how would you ever really know if you got a good guy w/o God putting it all together FOR you?

                Everything was settled…at least for me, when God “told” me that He did not want me “pining away for a wicked man”…that I was to “let him go”and not look back or grieve for that wicked man…and also, it became clear that if I could manage to be faithful to a wicked man for years (I was), how much MORE should I be faithful to HIM who is loving and Holy and Righteous to me?

                So THAT is the bottom line for any of my decisions to never have a relationship again… to remain faithful to God who actually deserves it regardless of what my remaining single looks like to others or might feel like to me. The X has his own issues to take up with God if that ever happens for him…I do not answer for the X and his own broken Vows to God, but I do answer for my own choices going forward. And also FWIW, I do NOT have to reconcile and get back with the X just because he might repent someday. I can continue to choose to keep being single and still forgive him at the same time if I please.

                To answer your question Traveling…Divorce is offered as an option or “exception clause” in the case of adultery for the sole purpose of allowing an innocent spouse to get away from a unrepentant wicked spouse w/o also being further accused of abandoning that wicked spouse for doing so…but it is still required that we remain single even so…I do not have a “right” to remarry until this same wicked man is dead and the original Covenant is finished by physical death. That is how I concluded years of study about this anyway.

              • Traveling, In His anger, God did indeed formally divorce Israel…and He exiled them and punished them for their unfaithfulness. But He did so knowing that they would eventually repent through what they suffered, and did take back a remnant for Himself. So no, they did not keep their Covenant with Him…but God kept His nevertheless in spite of His divorcing them.

            • Faith shouldn’t be about being afraid. God loves you more than he hates divorce. Go read divorce minister, because he explains the biblical side of things and really really explores it to help a lot of people of faith figure out what this means after they end up divorced whether they like it or not. He has some very rich research on this. I am glad I asked more. I feel like you need to dig into this! God did not make this a sacred covenant in order to punish good people. He meant it to be a blessing. A strong embodied blessing. But when someone steps out… they tarnish it. They void the contract. Not you. Not for a second. You are blameless! God doesn’t punish you for someone else’s sin. I support you, I’m curious if you have a good Christian counsellor, and if you have discussed this with them. I worry that you will not allow yourself to explore this thing you see as a deep commitment of faith , when it may also be a really great fence to put around yourself so you don’t get hurt. My parents are both ordained ministers. My dads only been to imax science movies, never to a theatre. They have never tasted alcohol. They both do not believe in divorce. But people fail. Life isn’t always going as planned. This is not Old Testament burn a lamb or a first son kinda god. He’s beyond that. He is infinitely forgiving, and that extends to the people who sinned. You don’t fall in that camp, and if you did, sounds like you have been doing enough penance! You have come before him trying to remain right before him. So have a good talk with him about it. Not about how you were raised to interpret it, talk to god, and ask him for real.
              Wait and see what he plans for you.

              Jeremiah 29:11- “I know the plans I have for you. Plans for good and not for disaster. To give you a future and a hope. “

              • Appreciate the encouragement, Creative. I’ve actually spent a lot of time on Divorce Minister’s blog and really respect his ministry and heart for the broken. I just see it differently. I don’t want to, but cannot ignore my conscience.

        • If your husband cheated on you, then you are no longer bound to the covenant. Adultery is one of the only biblical allowances of divorce. And it is the only biblical reasons that YOU would be allowed to remarry because YOU did not commit the sin. HE was the adulterer, therefore God does not recognize HIS new relationship. And if your ex if married again then God would not recognize HIS new marriage. Not yours. Matthew 19:9 “I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.” Also, if your husband is a non-believer, then this is another acknowledged reason that God will allow you to get divorced. 1 Corinthians 7:15-17
          “But if the unbeliever departs, let him depart; a brother or sister is not under bondage in such cases. But God has called us to peace. For how do you know, O wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, O man, whether you will save your wife? But as God has distributed to each one, as the Lord has called each one, so let him walk…” If your ex-husband left you because he does not believe in God, then let him go. Let him walk. You are no longer bound to him. I think you should seek religious counsel on this. You are blaming yourself for something you do not have to. If you believe in the New Testament, we are covered by God’s grace. This is why Jesus died on the cross to bear all of our sins so that we could get to heaven. Even if someone were to get divorced for reasons that are not biblical, then that is a sin, but if they ask for forgiveness and make steps to live their lives in a better way, then God will forgive them of their sins. I am very bewildered as to why you think you have to wait until he is dead. I think you need to get seek Christian Counsel. I go to a group called Divorce Care and it is all scripture and bible based and we just covered a chapter that discussed why adultery is a biblical reason for divorce and how this allows you (the non-adulterer) to get remarried.

          • Hi, Stretched. I have gotten tons of biblical counseling and attended Divorce Care three times. Just can’t get past what seems to be the black-and-white of it all.

            1 Corinth 7:10-11 seems to say that, if we divorce, remaining single or reconciling are the only two options.

            1 Corinth 7:39 and Romans 7:1-3 both seem to state outright that remarriage is only legitimate following the death of one’s spouse.

            Luke 16:18 seems to make very clear that earthly divorce does not invalidate the original marriage.

            And Mark 10:11-12 seem to unambiguously state that, no matter who does the divorcing, any subsequent marriage by even the innocent spouse is adultery.

            My husband is a professing believer, and says that grace does indeed cover all, and that his serial cheating and being with the OW is fine with God. But that seems like cheap grace to me, not the saving kind.

            Believe me, I have tried every which way to get around it, but just cannot find a loophole. I so WISH I could. And again, this is something that I wrestle with individually. My thoughts are strictly about MY situation and conscience. I am so happy for those of you who have made the leap and married again and found happiness via God’s amazing grace!

            • Owlbaby, you are right on target. The problem is that very few are because they are viewing everything from a human/justice perspective…not realizing that God holds the final Justice, and certainly knows our humanity. Also, if you are younger and have to battle the hormones, loneliness, and navigate life all on your own…it seems much harder IF the focus remains totally on all of that. If other Christians are not truly enlightened to these Scriptures, well, God certainly knows that too and His grace can cover them in spite of their misunderstandings. For some reason, you ARE enlightened, and therefore are challenged to live up to it. There is a great reward for doing so even though you wrestle with how you feel.

              So I live with what I DO know, whereas, others do not know. God can change my circumstances whenever He pleases going forward…but I will not take the helm and do that myself. Pastors/Divorce Care can be a stumbling to us…because they understandably feel empathy on a human level and interpret God’s empathy as being permission to break a Covenant that we made to God first and foremost…whereas God will supply His strength to overcome our difficulties AS we remain faithful to Him. Getting a Divorce on paper and having to follow our Laws in the process is one thing….getting “permission” from God (after being enlightened) to His principles to have another spouse and His blessings is totally another.

              Stick to what you know is right and wait on the Lord to open doors for your future regardless of how you feel. Faithfulness is EASY when everything is going according to our liking…not so easy when the rug is pulled out from under us.
              Kindest Regards

              • This is how I feel, too, Sweetz. God’s love and empathy are clear, but his demand for obedience is also extremely clear. He does not care about my happiness, he cares about my obedience (through which I will find heavenly joy). Earthly love as an adulterer is not defensible to me.

            • Owl baby,

              Talk to your pastor. It takes two vows to make a marriage. You made a vow for life, but he had no intention of doing what he said. Only one vow: no valid marriage from the start.

              Marriage is a sacrament the spouses give each other. You gave your promise, but all you got from him was “until I change my mind.” The sacrament you thought you exchanged didn’t really exist because it had a fatal flaw from the beginning.

              • Thanks, AC. I just don’t see a clause that allows me to not see my vow through.

              • Owlbaby,

                I was in your position once. I was only married a few months when I realized the man I called husband was an unrepentant alcoholic and had no intention of taking care of anyone except himself. We went to a counselor, together, who looked me in the eye in front of him and told me my best move would be to file for divorce. I told him I was Catholic, and I believed that marriage vows meant we would work together from now on to work out our problems. I don’t remember what new husband said, but I came to realize later that he was the king of empty promises. He said whatever he wanted me to hear, but meant none of it.

                What I didn’t do, what I should have done, was talk to the priest.

                Over the next several years I came to realize that not only was he a hard core alcoholic, but it was actually easier for him to lie than to tell the truth. He routinely made big and small commitments to me that he wasn’t concerned about keeping, he was financially abusive, he bought expensive toys for himself because he felt entitled, he stole my jewelry and pawned it, he ran up big credit card bills which he expected me to pay, he borrowed money in my name without telling me, and he refused to visit me when I was hospitalized before the birth of our first child because “hospitals depressed him.”

                About the only thing I didn’t have evidence for, during the early years anyway, was sexual infidelity. When a man is as chronically shitfaced drunk as he was, impotence is common. It certainly was common in our bed.

                It took a long time for me to realize that the vows he made before God, and the commitments he made under oath, and the promises he made to fulfill his ordinary obligations were all meaningless.

                Yes, I made a vow. I made a vow to be his wife, to be one of two parts of our marriage working together for our mutual benefit. I did NOT make a vow to be his substitute mother. Marriage vows are meant to be mutual vows to support one another, not unilateral vows that one can forsake at a whim but the other is compelled to keep with no recourse.

                That’s why there’s an annulment process. An annulment means that, despite all your good intentions and despite all outward appearances, there was never a valid marriage in the first place. The marriage commitment has to be mutual, not unilateral, or it’s no marriage at all.

                Please talk to your priest. If the marriage tribunal decrees your marriage really was valid, then protect yourself legally and continue to pursue the life of a single holy woman.

                But if the marriage tribunal finds that you didn’t have a valid marriage, you will be free to marry a new man whose vows before God are as sincere they’re supposed to be.

          • Stretched…I used to believe the same interpretation regarding “not under bondage” and “let them go” and “God has called us to peace” to mean that an innocent spouse could divorce and then go out and remarry thereafter…which I actually did do. But then years later, I began to realize that it is the language of that day which leads us to think of “bondage” and “peace” to mean the spiritual marriage Covenant itself rather than just our personal state of mind and further obligations to a runaway/wicked spouse.

            I began to understand that the word “bondage” or “bound” was actually being used to mean that a spouse is no longer bound to live with ANY obligation, duty or consideration for the further wishes/demands of a runaway spouse…that is, the cheater/abandoner is no longer functioning as a decent spouse, so no consideration is due them going forward. An innocent spouse gets to live their life without any thought of the regular marital obligations due to the cheater and they get to make all of their own decisions unilaterally as long as there remains no reconciliation.

            “Called to peace” means peace in the heart of the innocent spouses own conscience BEFORE God in spite of the behavior of an unbeliever. It is simply the assurance that there is nothing to feel guilty about before God if an unbeliever leaves on their own accord and if you find yourself alone and perhaps even as being the talk of the town. It may well be that it was God Himself that was instrumental in driving a cheater away so that an innocent spouse can eventually HAVE peace of mind/spirit due to the conflicting nature of living in such close proximity with the wicked.

            This is in stark contrast to the Old Testament where stoning an Adulterer was THE only remedy (notice that even forgiveness was not mentioned as a remedy back then). In the New however, God would prefer to tolerate that a cheater stays alive for the purpose of repentance (if possible)…but that does not make void the original spiritual Covenant.

            I did not read this anywhere…these were hard questions that bugged me for years given all the other Scripture regarding Divorce/Remarriage that did not seem to fit together.

            Take it for what it’s worth…or not.

        • I’m right there with you Owlbaby. Only I don’t see it as any kind of a “burden” to bear, but as an opportunity to honor God by being faithful to Him in spite of the circumstances. As a matter of fact…I absolutely LOVE my freedom and have no problem being alone…because I am not really “alone” since I have the Lord and no longer have TWO “masters” to try to please. 🙂

          I have a lighter spirit and wholeness now that I never had when X was in my life. I would not trade that for any man going forward…even if it were “allowable”.

          Now days, most Christians (even Pastors) think that Adultery frees them to remarry someone else if they are the innocent party. Divorce is permissible due to Adultery, but all it really does is release the innocent party to rid themselves of that heavy millstone in their life going forward, and makes the Adulterer in danger of Hellfire if they don’t truly repent. At least, that is my personal understanding and conclusion…and I have studied the Bible for decades…especially on this subject.

          • Good perspective, Sweetz! I am slowly adopting that attitude, though the loneliness gets me sometimes. You bring up a great point, that as long as I am looking back, I will lament what I thought I had, instead of reveling in the freedom He has gifted me with by delivering me from a narcissist monster of a man. It reminds me how Paul kept asking God to remove the thorn, and instead, His power was revealed through our weakness or difficult circumstances that He did not remove. Thanks for the attitude adjustment 😀

            • Don’t look back like Lot’s wife did…look at the possibilities you have to experience the tender Love of God going forward.

          • This is probably why stoning was done in the Old Testament…it forever released the innocent spouse through actual death and allowed them to remarry since death voided the Covenant for BOTH the innocent as well as the guilty. Now, we don’t get to stone the Adulterer any more (shucks), but we CAN divorce them…and they can live out their life in dire need of repentance (good thing for them)…having their temporary fun while they can get it, while we get to live out our lives being faithful to the Lord and being intimately cared for by Him.

            Even if I am wrong or misunderstand, I still do not feel as if I am being unfairly deprived of something that I am “entitled” to, and it has nothing to do with it being male vs female (the rule would apply to both), but with keeping OUR side of the Covenant before God. After all, if the Lord really WANTS me to remarry, he can always kill my X any time He pleases lol!

            But hey, don’t rely on my interpretation…rely on the Holy Spirit…that is what He is there for, to guide us into HIS Truth.

            • BTW, I did not personally divorce my X either. I prayed for a year for God to remove him from my life. So totally out of the blue, X filed for Legal Separation (also claiming to be a Christian) and left… no contact for over two years now.

              I was itching to file however, because that was my Biblical “right” to do so…but the Lord told me to “stand down” and wait a year (although I did not understand why given the proof I had)…it appears (now) that He knew that the X would take that ax and chop down the tree himself. I am delivered from all of it, and the X get’s to carry the entire burden of what he has done himself. I have my popcorn on standby in the cupboard…but am not holding my breath.

    • That law makes me so angry! Women can’t remary without losing their financial support/settlement.
      Talk about mysoginistic patriarchal society. Women should be permitted to keep their settlemnts in cases of infidelity. Plus all healthcare coverage. Men can divorce and their finances don’t change regardless if they remarry or not. In my ideal utopian world cheating spouses would forfeit their settlements on remarriage or cohabitation, male or female. Death Inheritance should by law, go to the children of the victim.

      • I totally agree Willow. These cheaters would have been stoned to death in times past, and the widow would have kept EVERYTHING. That is the injustice we now have…which goes to show that our Laws have nothing to do with God’s Laws or principles. But Faith can and does overcome all of this injustice given the time and opportunities that open before us.

        I have to pay my cheater X $25,000 a year for eight years to keep my home because of our laws. I have five years left…but I am somehow able to do this. I get nothing from the X…but I get everything I want and need from God. Sweet deal.

      • In some cases it is the women paying the support/settlement in which case the man can’t remarry. Either way it is unfair to the chump who shouldn’t have to pay diddly or worry about remarriage hurting them financially.

    • What a horrible person your X is to deliberately throw away his kids! I hope that comes back to bite him in spades when he needs care in his old age. He deserves to rot all by his lonesome in the worst public nursing home in the county

      • He tells them he is happy and thriving, has absolutely no concept of how hurtful that is for them to hear.

    • My sons have also lost touch with their dad and they are very hurt and it hurts me too see it. Not a damn thing I can do which is even harder as a mother. Fucker!!!

      • That is so very hard for me, too. In fact, I just keep saying that if he would just be a decent human being toward the kids from here on out, I would be so grateful to him. But that is just not who they are or what they are capable of, even for the kids they profess the utmost love for. It is maddening!

    • I’ve been hung up on the same thing, Owlbaby. I gave MY word to God. My husband’s meaningless word and lack of integrity don’t change that I gave my word. This is the “for worse” I promised and so I’m suffering through it and I will not remarry until my husband is dead.

  • I was so high on hopium that after reading erotic emails from OW and realising the dickhead had changed his travel plans around our family ski holiday to fuck her for two days before the holiday started, I still believed it when he told me that on those two days they just made out a bit, no sex because they felt so bad for me. I wanted to believe it so much!!!

    • Omg … *vomit* … they only mad out a little because they felt bad for you. That’s some integrity there!!!!

      • soveryshocked

        wow, that’s SOME amazing disordered behavior for him to TELL YOU that they “only made out” b/c THEY Felt bad for you.

        OMG I think that would have awakened me. But who knows? Often I wish my wasband had just told me the truth in my face years ago. I would have but him loose and been so much better off now.

        Then again, At least now I KNOW I did all I could to save that marriage but had nothing to work with. A chronic practiced liar who probably cannot know the truth

        b/c it makes him look SO BAD…hence the disorder.


        • Yeah he sure is a champion liar, I spent a couple of months believing the silliest stories delivered with such lying confidence, before the hopium started to run out and I discovered that not only was the affair much bigger than he was saying, but it was the 6th woman he had been with during our relationship. Vomit indeed. He is scum.

  • Hopium: He’s choosing to spend his birthday with me and his family! (except for that six hour morning bike ride. But hey it’s his birthday! Of course he wants to go bike riding on his birthday. His needs matter!

    Betty Ford Clinic Hopium: While he’s bikeriding, the kids are making him handwritten heartfelt birthday cards. He’s going to be so touched that he will have an epiphany! He will realize he’s crazy to walk away from a devoted wife and beautiful family!

    FACT: Wasn’t bikeriding, was fucking shmoopie. Was so exhausted from his day with her that he spent about twenty minutes with his kids reading their birthday cards before he passed out cold on the couch.

    It’s embarassing now, that I was that chumpy. Good lord why would I want an asshole like that?

    • Mine took a lot of naps also. Must be so exausting carrying on the double life. I attributed these naps to his latest medical issue. Thank you CL/CNBC for showing me that the ONLY thing my ex was successful at was being the perfect Sociopath ( and possibly Psycopath).

    • I got a bike rider too..I swear he is the only human being in the history of forever to be adversely affected by exercise…(was on 1 of his 3,000.00$ bikes ) going to the gym every other day as well 6 days a week..and lost muscle mass and gained a gut..when I joined his bike club to have something in common with him he was furious..I now know he was using the club to meet lonely desperate women…I guess me joining would interfere with his dating..silly me!

      • No wonder he was furious. You were unwittingly denying him his cake. Poor baby.

  • He called to ask if I baked a cake for this weekend and if it is banana (fuckwit’s favorite).

    Hopium Translate: Awwnnn, he loves me.

    The truth: needs ego kibbles and just loves his farty gut.

    He called to say he has been thinking about me and wants to take me to Buenos Aires.

    Hopium Translate: He loves me because he is worried about me and is deeply, truly and sincerely sorry he abandoned me and he is not cheating, he would never be so despicable.

    The truth: he has been doing some accounting and realizes he i$ in very deep $hit (from all the spending on flatterfucks and his rock music hobby and fancy cars) and better smooth talk chump. BA, instead of Paris or London, should do the trick for chump.

    Clearwaters, dye your hair, you will look great

    Hopium Translate: Oooooh, he is proud to walk beside this 60s woman.

    The truth: he is used to prancing around with 37 years old Flatterfuck (who, BTW, is sooooo tacky and gaudy, dresses like an Xmas tree and must sound like a Swiss Brown cow when she moves, sorry Cows) and is ashamed of my silver hair.

    I swear the area of the brain by which we get addicted to hopium is the same one that gets us addicted to opium. Very, very hard to break this addiction.

    • Yes, I think it’s the bond that produces the residual hope. Some people just bond deeply and when you have established one somehow you carry a sense of them with you that you incorporate from being with them and you carry their sense so you always have this sense of hope that they might feel the same, since the bond was mutually forged, but some people just bond instrumentally, when a better-deal comes along, they shift their feelings and they disconnect from you whilst obscuring they are doing it and they’re bonding with all and sundry in the hope of new supply and we are resolutely protecting our bond like sad fucks and they see us as sad gullible fucks. They don’t respect our qualities, they want to be with other instrumental attachment artists because that is often how socially powerful people are: fake, manipulative users. I remember, when I first met my ex having a conversation about people who carefully present self to manipulate others. The irony of me having that conversation with her must be right up there with my all-time-life-stupid moment of asking her “is there anyone involved” when she suddenly declared “we can’t make this relationship work” the morning after being with an “old friend who just got back into town from a business trip” and being, more or less, unavailable, all that week. What a chump.

  • I think I was high on the spackle I flung over the 10 years with X;) I didn’t even know he was a cheat or an active addict and actually believed him every time he had a “planned” overnight OT shift. I even believed him every time he didn’t bother coming home “that he actually drove a buddy home and had a few drinks so he needed to sleep there and oops, his battery went dead on his phone.” I actually accepted that whole heartedly even though I tried to get him to understand how hurtful it was not to try to get ahold of me to tell me where he was, as I was worried for his safety. I even would tell him how rude of his buddies that they are always asking him for rides many many miles from where we live knowing he works so late. He probably laughed his ass off about my naïveté for 10 straight years. I never experienced such an amazing pathological liar before and probably never will again.

  • Fact: Our iclouds were linked after my new phone and saw him texting DD14’s 20-something asst sports coach, making plans for expensive dinners, planning a trip, using our daughter as schmoopie bait. This after he left the first time when kids were in preschool for howorker (known to her coworkers as ‘crazy’)

    Hopium: He’s a physician, we work at the same institution, we are active in our church and community, we put our kids in a Catholic private school to further instill our values and morals, he’s volunteer coaching so surely he wouldn’t go down this crazy destructive path with someone 20 years younger and jeopardize our life, family, etc…

    BFC GH: When I told him he couldn’t live in our family home and ‘date’ his schmoopie 2.0, he leaves. He doesn’t want the house to change for the kids’. He’s super agreeable to separation agreement, child support, doesn’t want the house or anything in it. Thought he’d come to his senses when he no longer had a family to come home to. I thought he was naiive to gold digger types of women and fell for their damsel in distress routines.

    Someone in all of this came to their senses, ME! I confused intelligence for character. I thought Mr. Nice Guy, everyone loves him was the same as kind. I now recognize the pattern of his life as idealize, devalue, discard. He’s not an overt narc, I guess he’s atypical. He has parts and pieces of character disordered, a Cluster B. My family hated him. We cycled through friends. This is who he is. I no longer think he is naiive to women, now I think he’s a predator seeking out these underlings for his own sick kibble fest.

    • “I confused intelligence for character.”

      I did too, twiceachump. Sharp and witty, the Python often said about politicians in the news “you know how I can tell he’s lying? his lips are moving.” I thought that meant HE hated liars. What great cover for a pathological liar.

      And boundaries? Nope. Especially when it comes to “damsels in distress” – he was oh so helpful. As well as happy to fuck them after he helped them. Yes, I believe he seeks them out because he LOVES to be thanked and told what a great guy he is. That turns him on more than anything. As you said, kibble fest!

      • Yes to the intelligence thing. He came from a good family and had a graduate degree. That kind of person has good character! Integrity! His actions clearly showed I was mistaken, but it was very hard to shake this deep belief I had. Turns out intelligence, education, and so many other things are totally irrelevant when assessing character.

        • Well, look at what education does, what is it’s function, especially US education and UK has followed, it affirms fake people who learn to develop and manifest public mastery of self as a prelude to rulership over others. I lived with lots of rich students at a prestigious UK institution where I spent ten years and they are the most devious, corrupt, amoral, avaricious, promiscous group you could meet. You always get the strongest bonds and most decency among those facing humiliation and hardship.

          • Like a strong wind strengthens a weak tree, by forcing the tree to resist outside force, so being too sheltered from adversity weakens people. Money, family influence, etc., can weaken one’s response to moral challenges, therefore, cheating on one’s spouse, or on one’s taxes, can more easily be done.

            Cheaters. What a bunch of losers.

            • I spent ten years in an elite college environment, mainly with rich american students because the then British government didn’t finance poor English students, this is where my isolation arose. Anyway, those environments support psychopathy/ narcissism because they actively support fake identities. It’s hard to discuss without examples but rich students are validated on every level: even poor behaviour is never reprimanded because the colleges need their money and so, too, does the university so they are affirmed, their vanities indulged, their fake selves given the interpersonal forms that materialise their reality so they feel really special and feel that manipulating and deceiving is part of what they do. My other experience is manual working populations, and their subjectivity is completely different. They don’t espouse morality except in relation to very personal instances requiring action but their sociality is very different. There is less accentuation of difference, less exclusionary behaviours, people are required to be forthright as a mark of respect to the moral integrity of the other.

              • This is the same thing I learned from growing up with the 1%. There are no real consequences in that world, morality is relative, appearance is everything.

              • “This is the same thing I learned from growing up with the 1%. There are no real consequences in that world, morality is relative, appearance is everything.”

                It’s a manufactured fake culture. I once came across letters of reference from a private american university for a number of students: the reference was the same for each student just biographical details added to individualise the narrative, they all came in the “top five per cent of students”. Even the organisation of the career structure favours them bullying and excluding: visibility itself is a key stake that is why physical attractiveness is so sigificant and the marks of poverty so stigmatising: they use institutional space to create appearances that ensure they are beyond reproach and sustain the invisibility of competitors.

  • Fact: he’s texting at 10:30 pm hoping to score

    Hopium: he wants to get back together! He didn’t mean to brutally dump me and ghost me to go be with her!

    BF level hopium: he really cared for me and didn’t lie to me to get me to sleep with him while neglecting to mention that he was grooming another girl on the side to be his next girlfriend.

    Took a while to take the rose coloured glasses off but I did. I know we weren’t married or anything and no kids but it still hurt to be cheated on and discarded. 🙁

    • ” I confused intelligence with character” this is it exactly, you think no he’s not that stupid he’s intelligent he wouldn’t throw away children, grandchildren, home, jeopardize our financial security………surely a lifetime together means something…….suely he’ll realize what he’s giving up ……….yes he realizes exactly what he’s giving up …..he doesn’t care…… character without question!

    • I know, this is what my ex was doing all the time with me and I believed all the work-related justifications for her to be in bars until past midnight and then mysterious ghostings on the weekends. I believed the more trust I exhibited the more she’d realise what a great person she got and then I tried to love as best I could in the ever decreasing moments she granted me. My philosophy is you earn the love of your partner every day by acting so as to elicit the feelings you manifest but once they see you are unworthy, nothing matters, nothing is good enough. She wanted to be seen with the most expensive places with rich men she derived status from and I was just for when she had nothing better.

  • FACT: Extremely hostile behavior but only towards me
    HOPIUM: We take things out on those we are closest to. He must really love me.
    BFCGH: This happens in marriage. Support your partner through their difficult times.
    TRUTH: Discard phase full of narcopathic rage, blame shifting, gaslighting, deflecting and maximum level mind fucking.

      • Someone recently told me that we save our worst behavior for the ones who love us most. Their hostility was not a sign that they loved us, it was a sign that we loved them.

        • The worst thing my ex said was just after devaluation had started, so, I was accustomed to this amazing level of love between us, we just were so intimate, then, suddenly, distant, cold-as-ice, her expressivity changed completely, it chilled me, (it was new, if I ever come across it again I’ll just think “character disorder, she’s grooming a new target and is mirroring and devaluing”), and, because we told one another how much we loved each other all the time, this newly manifest distance disturbed me but I still felt significant enough to ask, “do you still love me?” and she replied “if you ask me again, this is over”. I shuddered internally that anyone could stoop so low as to use that which is so precious, the love of another, as a threat. I realise now, during this period, she was betraying me and my guess is this was the time he disappeared on her after she fucked him and she was devalued and so needed to recover her esteem through degrading me. I know she was cold and distant for a period of a few weeks and ghosted me during those weeks and was unavailable. I am sure she had sex with a prospective replacement and he disappeared on her causing her to feel abandoned and then she said “I think it’s impossible for me to meet anyone” (because she’d been dumped) and then she told me how much she loved me because she didn’t think she could get what she wanted.
          Hostility is also an effect of valuationary transactions which is why it’s a prominent feature of romantic relationships. Because you are an aspect of your partners objectivity, of their public value, if they feel you are unworthy because they are trying to hook someone they feel is superior to you, they’ll manifest that shame. You can become a source for the derivation of significances not a source of their realisation. My ex would get back after being with men she thought were far above me and I could sense I was just a chore to her: her whole interactional manner was annoyance and disgust. Our relationship turned, overnight from sublime levels of mutuality to veiled contempt. But I think someone else, came back into her life. She’d had sex with the man who replaced me before outside of a relationship, my guess is he had sex with her again in january and then disappeared on her again and then, three months later, when she could move in with him, then she embedded that relationship whilst lying to me.

          • That is shockingly unbelievable that she said that!
            I am so sorry that you ever endured that from someone you love.

      • sfrgrl

        yes, the anger and lashing out for nothing SO amazed me that I thought it meant

        “this is an opportunity for ME! I’ll show him how much I love him by not engaging in that attempt to bait me. HE WILL SEE how devoted I am and return the same back to me since I am constantly ignoring or forgiving outrageous behavior on his end.”

        FACT: Kids saw me as weak and so did he. Hell, even I saw myself that way after awhile. The inner CL in me said “WTF?? Leave his ass!”

        But only when I was hospitalized and he still went off to Alaska “for awhile. A marriage reboot”…did I wake up IN MY FOG of illness, to see with clarity that he did not have my back. Forget the schmoopie. Not showing up for ME then???

        I just learned that my Divorce was final last week. I honestly cannot recall what I did that day. Oh well…I survived and that is what matters to ME.

        • My son actually
          said “he treats you like shit and you buy him gifts”! Oh well. I really did set such a poor example.

        • Congratulations on your newfound freedom. At least you have the rest of you cheater free life to look forward to. I am so happy for you.

    • Maybe we had the same husband. He lied about everything else so a secret second wife wouldn’t surprise me now. 😉

    • Cuts so deep. Exactly what mine did. They treat you like shit so you’ll break up with them. When you don’t, they break up with you. I keep saying, they are lazy. Too lazy to break up with somebody, be alone with themselves, take time to decide what it is they want, then get in another relationship.

      Look at how strong all us chumps are. Most of us actively stay single as we are capable human beings with great friends and full lives who don’t wan5 to make the same mistake again.

      • Kim Hopes,
        Well said. When so look at several of the horrendous things my ex-boyfriend periodically said to over the years, I think that he by saying disrespectful, insulting, hurtful things, he was trying to get me to break up with him or manage down my expectations. I need to remember these things when so start thinking that I am missing a good ‘package.’ I need to remember that sometimes he would repeat these hurtful things weeks, months. or a year after I told him that saying (fill in the blank) hurt me. Thus. What he was saying wasn’t some out of merely insensitivity, it was done out of malice or manipulation.

    • Yep. I wrestled with this line of stupidity while pretending it was logic. I think we could call this the “doormat” stage.

  • “Let’s go away for the weekend”

    Hopium – he’s finally asking for a romantic weekend with ME!!!

    I researched, planned, packed and bought new, sexy lingerie!
    I’m standing in the lingerie in the romantic hotel room and he says “you know I can’t sleep with you”.
    I don’t ask why just say “Oh, OK”, get into bed and go to sleep.

    BFGH – I figured he must have a medical reason for never going near me and begged him to have his testosterone tested. Bought books on sexless marriage (yup, he never read it after promising he would.

    D-Day 1 and only – he couldn’t have sex with his wife because that would be cheating on the other woman.

    Where is that brick that should have hit me in the head?!?!

    • Hahahaha!! I got a version do that too. Having sex with me made him feel like he was cheating on his schmoopie.

    • Omg this. Mine came home from schmoopie’s house where he was living and (sorry for the tmi) have me oral sex. About 15 minutes after he asked me to “lend” him $60 k of my future settlement. You see, oral isn’t actual cheating on her.. thanks for the 2×4 asshole!! I knew without a doubt that the divorce had to happen then!!!

      • What is it with these asses that they think oral isn’t sex? Mine wouldn’t cop to affairs, they were “indiscretions” cause they were only oral and he didn’t reciprocate. WTH???? Bill Clinton much?

        • As if it is believable and it overlooks that, that level of intimacy is already betrayal. Why do these men actually marry?

          • The frequent cheater #1 , father to my children, married me because I was an easy target and made him look good. My family’s economic standing was also above his and he wanted that. I did so much work for 34 years trying to keep it together for myself and everyone. He used me.

            • Socially valueless people do not contribute to productive dislogue for further reflection.

              Some relationships are good.
              Figuring out bad relationships?
              That’s why I read CL.

      • ???? $60k for 15 minutes! Who does he think he is? Hope you got that 15 minutes of satisfaction for free!

    • He is the one who needed to be hit in the head with that brick. These people are so delusional it boggles the mind.

    • Rebecca
      Withdrawal of emotional and physical affection by your partner is cruel and deliberate.
      It is also extremely abusive and classic for personality disordered.
      I experienced this for 4 months and it was devastating, I’ll never forget it.
      So sorry that you had to go through this as well. Hugs.

      • Mine lasted for 10 years.
        Luckily I know (and perhaps always knew) his rejecting me physically had nothing to do with me!
        It was cruel especially since who can you share that detail with? We went to counseling for the sexless marriage but it didn’t help…especially since he was having sex with her! It was pretty boring before the OW so it wasn’t missed that much. If anyone has watched Frankie and Grace, you will understand that there are better alternatives than him ????. I’ve known him since he was 16 so I know exactly what she got and it isn’t pretty.
        At 61, I know my worth and am grateful for the peace and joy in my life. I share my bed with a puppy who is way more fun than the ex anyway.
        Who knows what the future will bring? It’s all about being open to whatever life brings.
        And I still have the beautiful, unused lingerie!

        • In the last year or so of our marriage ex started having problems in the bedroom. He initiated sex sometimes (although less frequently than before), but he often couldn’t finish. I thought that it was an age thing or worse, that I was doing something wrong that made him unable to climax. Now I know he was getting his rocks off elsewhere and just didn’t have anything left for me.

          He still tried to make it about me though with the whole “I love you but I am just now passionate about you” speech. Well of course not after banging Schmoopie all day. These idiots don’t even realize how their own behavior contributes to the very problems about which they complain.

          • Mmmmhmmmm
            Ten years no sex in the prime of post meno sexuality.
            Cheater couldn’t get it up (I guess because I’m not a dirty pirate hooker like the hobags. )

            After we started living apart I accidentally saw scripts for Cialis on the desk at our house where I’m not living.
            Boner Bill is getting what he wants now.

            Me – I fell for a different narc and had the love boming devalue discard that led my recovery self discovery and CL. But the sex was really good for a while. The new narc messed up my head but now I’m dealing with all of it.
            Finally at the place of starting to figure out how to get a divorce as cheater #1 is living in our house and not paying the mortgage to my mother.

            I bought the poor him victim disguise.
            I’m less chumpy now.

            • 38 years married
              separated after 34
              totally faithful and true during many cake episodes
              What a chump I was.

  • In retrospect, I chased after many unicorns!!!! All in the guise of saving my marriage, but I was the only one interested in saving it. (This was all pre-D Day, once I discovered the affair I tossed him out. There was no pick me dance after that!!)

    I thought I was so on top of it. Thought he was just getting a little too chatty with a “friend” of mine (some friend, right?). It all started so FAST, I didn’t think he would ever cheat anyway, but that quickly?? She was a friend of mine, I was just being protective or jealous or … CHUMPY!!!! I would mention his odd behavior to family & other friends and they said I was being paranoid, there was no way he would do THAT!! Gave him the benefit of the doubt of not being a total douchebag. Chump!! Chumpy me!!

    I hate that I was such an idiot, that I was so trusting and loving. Horrible ethics to have CN!!!! ???? But I don’t regret all the work I put into it, because I tried everything that I could to save my marriage, and he wasn’t interested. There was only one D-Day for me, but we had a 6-8 week span where he left for several days after an argument (I found that oddly excessive – but I’m such a controlling wife!!!!) then he called sobbing and begged to come back. (Because he loved me!! He loved our family!! Leaving was the absolute worst thing he had ever done!! He has been living in hell without us!!). Those weeks were pure hell of unknowingly playing the pick-me dance, riddled with anxiety over every single little thing he did (or didn’t do). What he did to the boys & I is absolutely disgusting and I hate him. I think I always will. But I also think that I have a right to. Maybe someday I’ll achieve Meh-glory!!

  • Fact- He bought me a beautiful Valentines Card and a box of chocolates!

    Hopium- He loves me! He’s finally going to forget about fugly and focus on our marriage and family.

    BFC- GH- He’s come to his senses and realizes that he has a beautiful family who loves him. We’re going to go back to the way things used to be- we won’t take things for granted anymore! We will love and cherish each other…❤️

    Reality- I was heading towards DDay #2 because while he was in the store picking out my card, he was picking one out for fugly also. DDay# 3 soon followed as well…. then came a divorce and 6 months of NC and a daughter he is well on his way to losing forever. #lieinthebedyoumade

  • Fact: I stay up all night with a very sick toddler so that cheater can get the sleep he needs.

    Hopium: He will be grateful for getting to sleep as long as he wants.

    BFC: Since I spent the entire night and into the late morning taking care of a very sick child, he will quickly offer to take over parenting duties, so that I can get some rest.

    Nope. He raged. Raged. Must have been expecting to wake up next to me and get his sex needs met. When I wasn’t there and was paying attention to someone else, I needed to pay for my mistakes. He also diminished my love and caring for our son by saying that the only reason I stayed up with him was because I had a sick need “to play doctor.”

    Fact: I have recently g

  • Fact: In the months after dday, the cheater suddenly began calling, texting, and even (gasp) Face-Timing me daily.

    Hopium: This crisis of discovery has finally led him to realize that he must address his problems in a productive way. We will part amicably and fairly as he promised, and this pain now will benefit him and our whole family in the long run.

    Betty Ford Clinic-grade Hopium: What an excellent sign that he actually sought therapy. Even though I do not want to reconcile, maybe we can finally become friends again over time, and maybe years hence when he has conquered his demons there will be true redemption all around and love will win in the end, as it should. Maybe we would be, like, 85 or something when it finally happened, but he would eventually realize and regret the full scope of what he had done.

    The Real Deal: Cheater attended therapy maybe once or twice, got asked some hard questions, and got the heck out of there. He continued the relationship with the OW full force during this entire period of trying to love bomb me anew, and only did so because he wanted to manipulate me into accepting a very meager settlement and not digging around in the financials at all. Plus, he just could not sustain the nice guy deal with me for very long at a time. Rage broke through again quickly, the porn expenditures continued even as he was living with the OW, he was cranking up the PR machine against me that entire time, and the blame-shifting never once let up. He rather likes his demons, and has zero interest in conquering them for anyone, least of all me. Not even the kids trump the demons.

    The most excellent thing that happened was finding CL/CN. Thank heavens for that.

  • Fact: He was screwing the OWHORE for 2 years while I was ignoring the red flags. The hours he would come home, disappearing on the weekends, his cell phone attached to his body & too many other things to mention. Finally saying to me “ you should find someone else, I have feelings for other people ( didn’t even have the courage to say “other woman) I don’t live you”.

    Hopium: After 34 years there must be a connection that we have . It’s just a stage he’s going through. We still have sex frequently, still do everything married couples do, etc. my love will keep him happy.

    When I caught him at whores home at 1:00 am I knew what I had to do. One of the worst nights of my life.
    The other was the night I found out I had cancer.
    Knew I had to get rid of both!

  • Fact: He never intended to be monogamous.

    Hopium: He said he wanted monogamy and that means I can trust that he wants mutual monogamy.

    BFC: He cheated, but he’s crying and apologizing so much that he really may have learned his lesson. I should try again because we are married and I promised for better or for worse and that means something to me. I should at least try.

    Endgame: He never intended, wanted, or wishes he wanted to be monogamous. He’s a fraud, a sociopathic narcissist with an incredible gift for acting, a skilled and calculating con man. If I heard that he died, I would breathe a sigh of relief for the world.

  • “Chill the champagne, let’s toast to a new start!! I’m all in.”

    Hopium: my marriage has a chance! My family MIGHT JUST stay together!

    Betty Ford: She’s come to her senses, finally, and will insist on a regular marriage counseling plan, will cut out the affair partner once and for all. the affair partner will even recognize her own horrendous behavior and apologize to me. We’ll renew our vows and take a romantic trip abroad!

    Reality: two weeks later she moved out and took a vacation with the affair partner.

  • One thing that I notice in everyone’s experiences (and mine as well) is that the cheaters always love “conditionally”.

    If you lose weight, then I’ll love you. If you make more money, then I’ll love you. If you do this sex act which you hate, then I’ll love you.

    It took me until after Dday and divorce to realize that “conditional love” is NOT real love at all !
    Someone who really loves you loves you for you warts and all. Hopium would have no effect if people realized this. Someone who puts conditions on their love doesn’t really love you —— leave.

    • Depends on the conditions, I think, and how they are set.

      Truth is, cheaters really have no conditions that must be fulfilled for love to happen. They do not really love, the supposed conditions are in a constant state of flux to keep us confused and off balance, and the whole purpose is simply to control us by whatever means necessary.

      But actual love does involve some conditions, I think. Things like mutual respect, reciprocity, honesty, shared values, and so forth.

      Healthy boundaries, expectations, and conditions are good.

      • Cashmere, I agree 100% with boundaries being very important. Part of how we all got chumped is that we had weak or poor boundaries and the Cheaters walked all over us.

        I mean real love is that you love that person totally and if they gained 100 pounds, lost their job, were in an accident and in a wheel chair, etc would NOT affect your love for them.
        A superficial cheater — those are deal breakers which means they never really loved the person at all.

        • Agree. And, looking back, of course I now see the myriad ways in which the endlessly shifting conditions always were aimed at minimizing and devaluing me. One example. I recently recalled a time when he said, while we were actually in the midst of a sexual encounter, that though I was nicely thin, I was not actually fit enough for his tastes. Holy intimate abuse, Batman! Should have packed up and gotten out right at that very moment, but of course did not, instead focusing on getting even fitter. All the yikes. Meanwhile, but of course, he was never really thin or fit (very weird extreme ups and downs, and a troubled relationship with both food and exercise), and that mattered not at all to me, because actual love and bonding are things I do. Sigh.

      • Amazing, isn’t it??? I ignored the sunken chest, increasing comb-over, retreating from all family life, because of his other attributes. Sadly, he wasn’t so considerate of my weak points. Ah, well…

  • Hopium: Three years in prison has changed him for the better. He is sober and has found God. His letters said so, and I am his soulmate.

    BFC-GH: We are going to live happily ever after and be a family. We will be a team when it comes to everything. We have the same values and goals. We eloped.

    Truth: The lying, cheating, drinking, abuse started the moment he stepped out of that razer wire gate and into my home. I was told what I wanted to hear so that I would keep supporting him.

    • So sorry, PrisonChump. Sorry for the pain of getting sucked into the lies and abuse. I hope you’re cheater free now.


      • Thanks Finding Bliss. I am free. Wasn’t until I put my foot down and said enough is enough. Then I actually got some clarity as to what was going on. No contact for almost a year. Then he tried to slither back in and come up with reasons to contact me based on our son and I just utilize grey rock. That has been so monumental for me.

    • My nephew was also in prison for 3years. Any family member goes thru a kind of hell from the court case, sentencing, collect calls, stressful visits (guard once made me cut out the underwires of my bra with fingernail clippers), seeing your loved one in prison clothes, keeping some money in their account,all focus is on him because he has no attention or love to spare, wasted weekends driving for hours, staying overnight in a crappy town if you can even afford it, worrying about him getting assaulted…it’s just uniquely exhausting and awful.
      For someone to take so much, to take all you have to give, and return to your home…not to reciprocate, repent or even to find balance…but to abuse you? The nerve! Monstrous behavior, truly.
      I hope your eyes will never again rest on a prison or on his face. Wishing you real justice and peace.

      • Wow OtherRebecca, you are so right. I never looked at it like that! The hopium was some grade a shit!

  • Fact: He got a case of crabs (genital) while we were on a vacation in Mexico.

    Hopium: They came from the blankets in our hotel room because he took a nap naked laying on top of while I was out shopping one afternoon is the truth.

    BFC Hopium: Because I love him enough to believe him AND pick the crabs out of his butts hairs with tweezers, he won’t cheat with hookers again.

  • I made his requested roast beef dinner on a Sunday after a “boys” weekend up north at our cottage. This was after the separation but before he managed to talk schmoopie into letting him move in. Of course he was with schmoopie. He refused to eat it saying he never requested it. My counsellor’s jaw dropped when I told her this one.

    • I had broken up with a live-in boyfriend just before Christmas, but told him I was going to take a little vacation over Christmas break so he could stay. He convinced me not to go, to have one last Christmas dinner together. I called him when the roast beef was ready, but he was in the phone, for an hour, with his new girlfriend. I ate my dinner, gave the leftovers to the dog, cleaned up the kitchen, and retired to,read a book with a glass of red. When he finally came down to eat, expecting me to be waiting to reheat the meal and eat with his majesty, I told him McDonalds was probably open and that he could fuck himself. I never cooked for him again.

  • Fact: Fuckwit had an EA (at minimum) 10 years ago that almost destroyed our family. In 2017, post D-Day/abandonment for his latest younger OW, Fuckwit said, “I have always had a lot of shame about that first time.”

    Hopium: OMG! He knows how awful that was, he is sorry! I can make it all OK now if I just forgive his latest cowardly dick move and let him know I have unconditional love for him and will willingly tolerate his every abuse and it will be alright again! He is just a poor wayward boy, lost in a fog, let me show him the light of love!

    Translation: He was ashamed he didn’t abandon his family 10 years ago. (He admitted that is what he meant.)

    It was stunning to me to see he was just now catching up to the cowardly act of asking his then-young daughters back then if it would be OK with them if he moved out (…so he could fuck around with the much younger OW of that time). Yup, his shame was not for moving out on me while I was on a work trip to chase a 25YO co-worker in 2017, his shame was not having the balls to leave us all 10 years earlier to pursue his twu happynez.

    Maybe in 10 more years this current behavior and final destruction of his family will begin to shame him. His adult daughters remember what he did 10 years ago and see this last act of abandonment as unforgivable, so by the time he pulls his head out of ass they will not have any relationship at all with him. Too fucking bad for him.

    • Mine had an EA in 2007 (9 years before DDay). During MC he told me that before he started up with the PA’s that he had regretted that the EA hadn’t gone physical.

  • Fact: After every D-day, I would get cards and flowers and in the card he would always write “I love you and want to be with you for the rest of my life. We need to fix us.”

    Hopium: If I can just LOVE HIM MORE, we can fix “us”. (even though “us” wasn’t trolling Craigslist and Adult Friend Finder)

    BFC Hopium: It doesn’t matter that he cheats. He is still with me so that must mean his loves me and is a sex addict that just needs to go to rehab.

    • Blech. Brings back the memory of my fuckwit pronouncing, “I want to be with you the rest of my life” while we floated around a resort pool in PHX, making a weekend trip down there to shop for a home and plan early retirement, to cash in on 3 decades of hard work and savings. Six weeks later he abandoned me while I was on a business trip, and sent me an e-mail as my notice that he had poofed.

      After the discard and brutal blame on me for the destruction of the marriage, I challenged about why he declared his love so completely just a wee time before. His response was, “I just wanted to see how it sounded.”

      I realized he doesn’t see me as a real person. I am an actor in his play and he was just trying out some dialog but he forever reserves the right to wave it away and remove all evidence of love from the record at any moment. He does not have to hold himself accountable to anything and will casually lie just to “see how it sounds.” So disordered.

      • Now, this is one of the coldest things I have read here. I am so sorry.

        • It is horrifying. The only comfort I find is that he will do this same thing to Schmoopie. And I am trying to be clear that wasn’t me, it is him. I did not cause him to do these things.

          What a miserable existence he must have, to never be able love all the way and to be always in a state of self doubt. Say things to see how they sound because his brain will never allow true commitment.

          I wish he would drop dead and make the world a better place.

          • You get to be without the fuckwit.
            Thanks for the reminder. Sometimes I long for what I’m missing… But it didn’t exist him – I was just a chump. Less chumpy now.

    • We need to fix this. Got that alot. Usually after he messed up. In my head I’d be nope! No we buddy. No we.

  • Fact: I’d confront her about anonymous emails I’d get about her and her married boyfriend at work. She’d stare off in the distance with tears in her eyes while I talked to her.

    Hopium: I’d imagine she was thinking about how what she was doing was so awful and would stop.

    Reality: She was trying to figure out who the person was at her work that kept emailing me and how to keep me from finding out anything else.

    • Yup on Dday I told Ex that I had gotten an anonymous email that she was cheating on me.

      Her response: she didn’t deny it but was furious about someone she knew betrayed HER and sent me the email.
      My thoughts and feelings didn’t matter and in that moment I realized that I had nothing to work with and the next words out of my mouth were “I want a divorce”.

      • Oh yeah, later on before we were divorced I heard my ex talking to one of her friends – who knew about the affair no less – saying that she was mad that I would believe an anonymous emailer over her about the affair. Even though the anonymous emailer was telling the truth.

        I mean, what is going through my ex’s mind when she says this crap to her friends? And what’s going on in her friend’s mind listening to this? Again, the friend knows about the affair, knows my wife’s been lying to me about it, and has to listen to my wife complain that I believe an anonymous emailer telling me about the affair over her (the liar). The friend didn’t respond, so maybe she was trying to understand what a complete lunatic my (ex) wife was.

        • Ha! My ex once said “The problem is you believe what you see and not what I tell you.”

          Delusional Dipshits

    • Ha. This is good. When my ex hooked up with new gf one week after our 5th dday (not with AP, this was a new woman), I was astounded. Floored. I was friends with his ex wife (they have two kids) and sadly got to witness his grooming and love bombing the new gf first hand through the ex wife. He delighted in rubbing both of our noses in it.

      After about a month of this, I was just sick at the thought of what was coming down the pipe for the new gf when the devalue and discard starts. I was in a pretty dark place at the time. A lot of pain.

      So I wrote new gf a letter of warning. It was 6 pages long and I wrote out all the stories he would tell her, compliments he would give her and future faking he would do. His ex wife read it and laughed saying I nailed it. She hadn’t been with him in 4 years and everything I wrote were things he had also done and said to her. His pattern with women was identical with each of us. It was sick.

      The one thing I wrote, that in hindsight saved me from his harassing rage was: if new gf chose to share my letter with him to sit back at watch him plan his revenge on me for exposing him.

      In retrospect, it was a good thing I wrote that because he did rage – to the ex wife about it. But to the new gf he was all sparkly and blase . I was just the crazy ex who wanted him back. Barf.

      I know, to this day that me writing this letter still gets to him. He will never forget that I betrayed him. But he also knows not to fuck with me because when he tried to Hoover me a month ago, I took screenshots of all his messages (which clearly indicated he initiated contact) and emailed them to his gf.

      They never think that their actions will consequences.

  • Fact: Between dday 2 and 3, I was diagnosed with malignant cancer.
    Hopium: this will snap cheater-troll to his senses, the marriage and family will rally and bonds will be reaffirmed
    BFH: We have been trough so much, we have suffered long enough, we all eat jello in recovery and sing songs, plan our future
    Fact: Cheater-troll immediately makes airline and hotel reservations with skank-whore for the exact date/time of my cancer surgery and the week of my recovery. Cheater-troll angry yells at me and kids “I cannot possibly take off work with no notice, not even for cancer surgery!!” DD takes me to surgery and helps me through week of recovery. One month later DS finds credit card receipts for troll and skank “work trip” for the exact surgery/recovery dates and date reservations were made correspond to date of cancer diagnosis and family notification, Dday3 occurs. 6 months later Dday4, and full abandonment by cheater-troll.

    Divorce final 2/27/18, a Tuesday.

    (16 months after cancer surgery, I finished my first 5k race, no winning time, but both legs functioned as expected!)

    • It made me so angry to read this. Your ex is truly a horrible person. Congrats on getting free, and your 5K mightiness!!

      • Kibble Less

        Congrats on the divorce. I just learned mine was final the 26th (underwhelmed by my lawyer since I specifically wanted to know BEFORE hand).

        But I cannot for the life of me recall what I did last Monday. Except apparently a cruel man, the “great abandoner” DOCTOR, was out of my life.

        I survived. And I AM embracing the changes forced upon me, which I did not know enough about to want.

        I swear I’m grateful now. Would have loved learning things NOT the hard way but is there another way for us to really truly “get it” other than having our hearts broken?

        Regardless – I’ll take this and move forward truly in touch with my badass CL self.

        • Oh wow! Congratulations on your divorce finalized. It wasn’t the happy feeling I was hoping for when I got my notice (and it had finalized the week before when I got the news). It was the starting point I needed though to start really moving on and finding meh.

    • Wow. I thought I had this insult of seeing dates he ordered plane tickets for Schmoopie and thinking back to those dates and what I thought was him not contacting her ( right before 18th anniversary/ my birthday ) but yours takes the cake! What an asshole he was! Ugh!

    • Kibble-less my ex also could not take off work for my cancer surgery, nor could he miss his company holiday party to take care of me after a chemical treatment. The behavior was pretty much in line with how he had been the whole marriage. It was always impossible for her m to take off work, especially at th end of any month. Imagine me surprise when he took off several days around Christmas to hang out with the new girlfriend! Especially when he only took off one day to be with his child.

    • Wow. That is really awful. Any time you start to wonder if he is really that bad, just review those facts. Even if you take out the cheating, the mere truth to his abandonment is astounding.

      And congrats on the divorce!!!! And the race! Things will only go up from here.

    • Cancer survivor here too, Kibble-less. A club no one wants to join within the club no one wants to join. I have recently learned that Douchebag STBX broke up with OW #1 several years ago when I was diagnosed with cancer, because “He couldn’t leave Intothelight right now after her having just been diagnosed with cancer and all,” but in reality was dumping her because he had a new OW #2 waiting in the wings and was only using my cancer diagnosis and treatment as an excuse to break up with OW #1. If I were to make this shit up as fiction, people would say it’s too crazy and I would have to tone it down a bit to make it believable. Working hard now to put him behind me so I can enjoy my remaining years cheater-free.

  • Fact: kids insist he goes to counselling
    Hopium: he realises his serial cheating was wrong
    BF CGH: he begs me to forgive him for his lieing and cheating during our longstanding marriage. I forgive and skip off into the sunset to enjoy my new life.

    What actually happens, Jeez, he wants to talk as he has apparently come up with even more excuses. I decline the next round of blame shifting!

    • I’m getting this, he wants to talk and go to councilling. Talking with him and his kind is pointless, there is no resolve or meaningful action. I have had to block every form of communication with him except for the land phone. I don’t even have voice mail as he just abuses everything and thinks he has the right to contact me anytime and flood me with his bs communication. I frequently have to turn the ringer down on the landline as he always has to have the last word and ask me how long I’m going to be angry for and when I do bring up something about his affair, I’m abusive and mean. He a like an annoying teenager. Always thought he was the silent rivers run deep type but he has no depth or substance and conversations with him are so base level it kills me.
      According to him he has tried sooo hard to win me back, all the while having an on an off Tinder profile to meet ‘friends’ going on dates again ‘friends’. This guy has no male friends. Just loves that female attention in any form, he works in a female dominated area, he loves older women who are a bit soft and he can tell them his poor me story. Lately been getting cards and notes blah blah. It’s getting much easier to keep that door to him closed and I think I may be close to getting a job thank god, have been out of work for 6 months, house payments are up to date so I’m doing ok and can feel that strongmen returning. A year out and I can see how damaged my self esteem was and its on the mend, the silver lining is I am more compassionate towards people after being through this bullshit and feel like I can see life and the big picture more clearly. The chump master is a great teacher.

      • if you get tempest to give you my email, if you’re in the USA, i can give you a job.

        I was out if work almost a year. I know how that is.

        • Freer Every Day
          Wish I was. I’m in Aus. Things are looking up, had two interviews this week and feel like I’m getting close.
          Thanks, the people on this site are the most wonderful, interesting compassionate bunch. It blows me away.

  • Fact: Upon given him no other option than divorce, the Fuckwit went and did a 3 day intensive including and unfathomable truth dump regarding the extent of his cheating (he passed the polygraph).

    Hopium: The truth sets you free. Maybe this time (3rd D-day) he will truly want to do what it takes to change his ways and be a worthy partner.

    Betty Ford Clinic-grade Hopium: Oh look, he is organizing his “recovery program” activities on a spread sheet—he’s taking it seriously.

    The Real Deal: I watched his “recovery program” for two solid months and it was “paint by numbers” in full. Two months went by and there was no sponsor established as was recommended. Only call-in support calls with no authentic connection and accountability to the folks seeking recovery. Reading was at a snails pace. No discussion of “ah-ah” moments about his behavior or evidence of deep understanding of his issues or my pain. He was giving himself points for eating healthy and exercising (things he as done consistently over the years anyway!).

    Oh, and it was at that point that I found CL, . . . Nikki Lynn is the one that cleaned herself up at that point — went cold turkey. Started lining up ducks immediately and filed on the mother fucker.

    • He did not deserve you. A confession of that proportion would be hell. Recovery Program my ass.

  • After DDay it was several months of one step back followed by two steps away. Every time he took that step back I took a hit of hopium only to be crushed all over again when he took those next two steps away. Most of my hopium revolved around me actually believing he meant the things he said. Eventually I figured out the pattern and initiated the divorce. That hopium sure was difficult to give up, however. Some examples:

    Fact: We already had our first MC session booked before DDay which occurred a few days before the appointment. On DDay he said he would give up Schmoopie while we were in MC and that yes he was serious about the MC and he wasn’t just going through the motions to pretend like he had tried to save our marriage before leaving me.

    Hopium: He was going to give up Schmoopie while we were in MC and he was serious about the MC and he wasn’t just going through the motions to pretend like he had tried to save our marriage before leaving me.

    Fact: He told me he needed to move out to reflect on what he really wanted. Then suddenly he really wanted me physically in a way he hadn’t in a long time. I didn’t even hesitate because I had been pursuing him for weeks trying to prove that we could have a good love life again if he would just be open to it.

    Hopium: We made love and it was good so now he will realize he has no reason to leave me and he will remember that I am the best thing that ever happened to him.

    Fact: The night before he moved out he kissed me and said he hoped that wouldn’t be the last time we kissed.
    Hopium: He hoped that wouldn’t be the last time we kissed.

    Fact: The first Friday he moved out I knew he was going to be with Schmoopie all night. I spent a sleepless night of misery imagining them together. The next morning he came over to see the kids. I told him that I missed him. He held me close, gave me a hug and told me with tears in his eyes “I know I missed you too”.

    Hopium: He missed me too
    Fact: About a month after he moved out he gave me a ride to work. When I got there I realized I had forgotten the cocoa (comfort food) I had planned to bring that day. He went back and got it for me.

    Hopium: He does me favors because he loves me

    Fact: He often came around and did nice things and favors for me even after he moved out

    Hopuim: If he does nice things for me he still loves me and will eventually tire of Schmoopie and come back to me if I am patient, kind, understanding and forgiving (still pick me dancing at that point)

  • Sorry Tracy. I had to after watching Randy. LOL.

    Before I jump off into my Hopium hallucinations, I want to share my newest reminder of “It’s NOT MY FAULT” and “Things will get better” with my fellow Abandoned CN Male chumps.

    ????. A keen sense of gray washed all other colors away today… I’m better in the fall.

  • Fact: He openly planned a weekend camping trip with his high school buddy for months and discussed all the details with me and “allowed” me to cook all the food and pack for him. The second day of the four day trip, the friend he was supposedly with called and asked if he was available to go do something that afternoon. Busted.

    Hopium: So shocked by how carefully he planned and lied about this trip, I grasped for an explanation that I could live with and fed it to him. “You went all by yourself so that you could drink heavily, because you are an alcoholic, right?” He looked at me with genuine naugahyde remorse and tears and agreed that was the case and how lucky he was to have a wife who so quickly grasped what had happened. Internally, he high-fived himself for marrying the biggest moron on the planet.

    BFC-GH: He is so shocked by his own bad choices and the obvious pain he caused (me crying my eyes out collapsed on the bed for days) that he has “hit bottom” and will now be able to stop his drinking and all will be well.

    Truth: He stopped drinking (as far as I know) for three days. I never learned with whom he was actually camping, but he was really pissy for months because the friend who accidentally tipped me off was my husband’s boyfriend and was really pissed that he had been cheated on. The boyfriend (about whom I learned 20 years later) gave him hell while I was busy holding his hand over his struggle with alcohol.

    Dixie Dumbass Chump

    • Sigh. The things we realize many years afterwards are such a heartache. Took me approximately forever to realize that the “conference” he was attending while I miscarried in a haze of fright and pain was no conference at all but a weekend away with one of the earlier schmoopies. Holy shit, the stuff I managed through all alone while he was off on adventures in infidelity. Mindblowing. ????

    • You really can’t make this shit up. The boyfriend’s call exposed two affairs.

      • Cheater Ex had my brother drive him to the airport where he met his mistress for their Ft Lauderdale vacation. Chumpy me thought he was visiting his friend in Georgia like he did every year. He also made sure he went through the trouble of “pretending” to book the flight and screenshot me the flight info. BTW, he never revealed any of this during reconciliation. I found out while I was going through his phone. …and he had the nerve to be pissed at me for finding out- claiming “All that happened in the past”… meanwhile he was still cheating throughout that reconciliation…. fuck you cheater…

  • Fact: On DDay 1, he leaves the house for two hours to call MOW Slutbag in private to break off their affair. There is a 40 minute call to her number when I go online to check the phone bill.

    Hopium: He wants to save our marriage! He said so! He broke things off with Slutbag! He’s never going to see her again! He reported that she’s sad, but resigned to their break-up!

    BFC-GH: We’re going to fix this! This was a wake-up call, and we’re gonna fix this! We’re going to counseling, and we’re going to be stronger than ever! We’re going to live happily ever after in our beautiful house with our beautiful children! We’re going to retire and travel the world together! We’re going to grow old together and enjoy our grandchildren!

    The truth: He called Slutbag to let her know I had found out about their affair, so he would need to dial it back for a little while to decrease suspicion. But not to worry, he would still be there for her as she is going through a lot of stuff and he knows she needs his support. Also, she could only call or email him at work until he gets a new burner phone.

    It’s embarrassing to look back on this and remember how whole-heartedly I embraced the RIC narrative, no questions asked. No consequences for the cheater, just sweep everything under the rug, and pretend it never happened. Onward to DD#2…

    • We believe because we so badly want it to be true. That gnawing, nagging feeling in our stomachs can be suppressed for a while … but not forever.

  • My Hopium and chasing unicorn races began immidietly ON D-day. Yup. Begged for couples counseling, made said appt only to have arrived to session ALONE; even after he assured me he would be there. Begged and begged and begged for capt’n cheater-O-pot-O-mus to choose me over his 25 year old new gf (he’s 44) in the pick-me-dance that lasted for 5 months. BTW they can’t wait for the divorce to take place as they are planning a wedding for “as soon as that ink dries.” I followed, I trailed, i social media stalked and encouraged my friends to send me updates once I was blocked. He told me on my birthday, moved out 3 weeks later, filed for divorce 2 months later and is now looking for a new house. All the while only being nice to me when HE WANTS SOMETHING. If I gave in he went to nasty, shoot when I didn’t give in he was nasty. He just wore the mask so well. My hopium lasted I full force until a month ago…. but it tries so hard to return: everyday. I have to fight it off by trusting he sucks. Remembering all the evil words he chose to rape my soul, to remove my self worth to down play my exsistence.
    The things I will never forget he said:
    “I’m not sorry. I won’t wvwr ask you for giveneas ever again for another thing in my entire life. I will not ask God for forgiveness Bc I am NOT repentant. But hey will you watch the dog the week I take my OW to Mexico on the week that would have been our 18th wedding anniversary?”
    Also all the words he chose to remove my self worth which I refuse to repeat… Bc they are not true but are a traumatic trigger of self loathing for myself that I cannot take myself there.
    There’s so much more…. so much hopium.

  • Fact: I went no contact (in accordance with Asshat’s suggestion we “take a break” [so he can bone his coworker unencumbered, as I later learned]), and two days later he’s texting me because he needs some of his “nice clothes” for a job interview.

    Hopium: As a result of my no contact, he is missing me and inventing excuses to see me and to come back to our shared home.

    Betty Ford Grade Hopium: He’s finally taking his career seriously so we can get married after four years of being “engaged” (no ring) and buy a house together. This is the first step back to getting back to where we started! No, of course he’s not making all this shit up because he wants to get all his expensive clothes (which I bought) out of the house before the Big Discard…

  • DD1 Passionate communications to Howorker Followed by lies gas lighting and going inderground oh and changing all troublesome tech devices and provider…
    Hopium EA was a wake up call. need to try harder at this busy life stage, look loving messages in fancy cards, trips away, our family is doing things together, DX is pressured in his work and needs more support so he can recover and relax at home…he still has to work with howorker but hates her now…
    Fact He is having cake, sometimes charming, often grouchy, preoccupied, guards his phone and after a work crisis got lots of private calls. He flirts with women and does not respect me, He starts getting into porn and making demands based on that. He then gets careless about his tech showing more flirtations …DD2 he lets slip DD1 was more than an EA
    Epilogue Much older, a little wiser I gave up hope, and started telling facts to my dearest female relatives, I lined up my ducks, separated and do not miss that cheating narc, cheater free life is the life for me.

  • At DDay1, when my ex admitted to a friendship (read emotional affair), I asked her to setup marriage counselling. She didn’t. I went into fixit mode.

    My hopium was to book the MC session, and listen to all the reasons why I was a bad husband, including not complimenting her on her looks before a work event back in 1998.

    My next hopium: do the pick me dance — be the best husband ever.
    You want to go out with your ‘girlfriends’ — sure, I trust you, go out as many of the nights of the week as you wish.

    I became an expert at data triangulation – travel records, cell records, bank statements etc etc and it didn’t take long for her ongoing lies to catch up with her, and for me to work it all out.
    DDay2 came swiftly thereafter, and I stopped hoping, and I stopped dancing.

  • I could write a War and Peace tome n my hopium-filled life so I’ll post just a tiny sample here:

    Boyfriend: Years into relationship-‘I”m afraid my ex-wife who cheated on me and left years ago Might see me in a group photo with you at a party (someone that might post a photo of us among 30 people on his/her social media site.’ He had never posted a photo of us on any social media site nor ever mentioned me on any site. I thought that his statement was very strange but thought’ I appreciate him sharing his uncomfortable thoughts with me. He’s an open, honest guy!’ He then told me, ‘You were better than I was at socializing with people at the party.’ I lit up at the compliment from Mr. Popularity.

    Reality: He was grooming my replacement and did not love me. He was embarrassed to be seen with me.

    • My ex never told anyone about me. It hurts more now than when I was with her. Somehow, it makes me realise how insignificant I was. The worst part of this, in my case, was I told her the day I met her that I wouldn’t be able to take her to the expensive places she frequented and that she’d be ashamed to be seen with me. she lived in these places, every night after work. The last time we spoke, I asked her, “do you have any memories of our relationship?” and “did our relationship mean anything?” The mind is significance-generated and her silence indicated her mind was traceless. If only she’d accept the reality her behaviour manifest, which I told her the day we met, that I had nothing to inspire enduring feelings in her compared to the rich men she was looking for while using me as company until she found one. Yes, I know the shame of being a secret. The sad things about relationships is every aspect of them relates to our value. If you are celibate and alone it means you lack significance, you lack value, and when you lack value you lack significance, no one cherishes your smile or longs to see you. You exist in a will-less, hopeless state yet projecting, somehow, is of our essence, and we vainly project via those who once feigned connection with us, however desperate the truth, our longing for them is akin to hope and even though we know they will never come back, the longing goes on like hope. It’s awful.

      • Simon,
        YOU matter to me! You do a great service by eloquently sharing painful, authentic, unvarnished thoughts here, much more clearly, concisely, and elegantly than I do. Thank you.

        • She treats you like crap and then tells you “don’t think all that negative stuff”? What were you supposed to be thankful, grateful and positive about the way you were treated?

          I got similar. Ex told me I needed to show more self confidence. That was after years of constant criticism from him.

          • Yes, she knows how much I suffer over my appearance as well. She knew how much I suffered because I always counterposed her beauty and value to my own abjection as a juxtaposition I used to express my love for her. For her to allude to me being unattractive was the most awful thing but she was high on the new supply. Worse followed that day. I have issues with eye-contact because I am autistic, although, to be honest, when I love someone I avert my gaze out of respect for them unless we in an intimate moment and because the interaction had become stressful and painful, because I knew she was betraying me with the man she was with, she said “why can’t you look at me” and giggled into her hand uncontrollaby before shooting a knowing look his way. Those moments haunt me, the pain she caused me. A person tries to hide their deficits and pass the best they can and when someone you loved calls attention to your faults, well, it’s unspeakable: the degradation is mortifying. She is exquisitely beautiful, elegant and charming but beauty seems to mortify the sensibility in a way that ugliness enhances it.

            • The cruelty you just described is astonishing. What an ugly, wretched person.

            • I know, for months, her face, eyes narrowed with contempt, the giggling jerking her head to stifle the giggles and her mouth contorted downwards as she spat the words “you’re so difficult you know that?” and “why can’t you look at me?” haunted me. I cherished her more than anything in the world, she was my highest value, she rendered my life meaningful and when she showed how insignificant I was via such expressive forms, it shattered me. I flash back, daily. I never thought we’d speak again and, although we did, four weeks ago, I never saw her. That is my final memory of her. I am just so sorry she let my final memory of her be that. I don’t think she was cruel, I just think she just doesn’t think, she was high on the esteem of the new lover, the dopamine and his status, she was radiating with confidence and wanted to double her pleasure by allowing them to share this moment by demeaning me, she would have had no awareness. Same with the comment about “it’s really not attractive”, she just wanted to shut me up frantically asking about what was going on so used something negative to try and get me to be be quiet. She’s absorbed in her own value and its public manifestation: good looking rich men and expensive places, she gets intoxicated and I was the last person she wanted to interact with unless she was lonely.

        • I will say though that I don’t derive my worth from others because in the same way they can ascribe value to me they can remove it. If i allow for that my value will always be in flux. I give myself value. No one can take or add to the value I have chosen to give myself. This pissed stbx off because nothing he said or did to undermine me stuck. I owned none of his bad choices and I sought no validation from him. His actions and words only reflected him.

  • The night I found out about my replacement she said “what, you think if you don’t hear from me in several months it’s over between us?” that troubled me for weeks, I had this malignant hope the other man would disappear, he obviously did, because four months later she asked me to be friends, but then went quiet again. I was utterly hopeless until a month ago when she asked me to be friends again but, when we spoke, said “actually I am seeing someone”. When she got back in touch I hoped and hoped, I can’t believe where the hope comes from. Now we back at being ignored after she’s said “I will forget this” and still, even though I know it’s over forever and was a year ago when she was setting up her discard by betraying me, I long for a message from her. Where does it come from, this toxic hope? What, inside me somehow managed to hope in the face of everything? I think it’s the bond you forge in the idealisation phase, you just carry some sense of that person and though you can rationalise they will never come back and never love you and even represent all your failings, somehow you can’t let go.

    • Simon. I’m sorry for your pain. Please read about traumatic bonding and start to understand that, while her tactics feel very personal against you, they’re textbook for the disordered. Meaning it’s NOT you, it’s her. Seeing my ex in page after page of scholarly books and articles enacting the “playbook” has been liberating.

    • It’s because you still want/need what she represented to you. I had to get to the place where I knew he wasn’t the fulfillment of my dreams (although he should have been…he was my husband after all)…he was the impediment to my dreams.

      To get what you want, you have to find someone who also wants what you want.
      Sometimes I wonder if that will ever happen, but it never did or would have with him. I will never live with selfish again…in any form.

  • Thank God I conquered FOUR DECADES of hopium! Thanks to CL, CN, and two years of therapy, I finally live in reality.

    I get it now. No, I don’t believe that Viagra I found in his car was for us.

    No, I don’t believe only he could unlock his work phone because of the “complicated” codes needed to unlock it.

    No, I don’t believe he repeatedly went to work at 3:30 in the morning when he said he couldn’t sleep.

    No, he didn’t love me. People who love people do not abuse them emotionally, psychologically, sexually, financially. . .

    He was a grown man who had the option to get therapy for childhood wounds, but he CHOSE to be a lying, deceiving, gaslighting, manipulative abuser.

    I spent the first year in therapy explaining away his bad behavior until one day it clicked. I was projecting my good self into him.

    For those of you still stuck in thinking like I did, believe me when I say that you will be thankful to be free of the chaos one day!

    It feels soooo good to be free!

  • Fact: Grand daughter won Student of the month accolade and insists on calling STBXWW to tell her. (STBXWW doesn’t have time chasing the butterflies of aliveness with Schmoopie after her bariatric bypass surgery to bother talking to her grand daughter.).

    STBXWW texts me,… “GD wanted me to tell you she won student of the month”.

    Guilt text? Nah. Knee jerk reaction? Nah. Feeling better about herself? BINGO! Kibbles! Momentary Centrality? DING DING DING!!!

    Hopium: She thought of me and wanted to co-grandparent.

    BFC-GH: She’s considering coming back R and doing “the work”. The lizard queen has been destroyed by LOVE. LOVE DOES CONQUER ALL!!!


    Fact: STBXWW stops by to collect her ever growing pile of debt mail. She’s meeting someone to look at property for sale with hopes of unloading it for a quick cash injection to continue her fantasy life with Schmoops, OR she’ll get the 20K$ to get her skin removal surgery. She’ll trap that young, rich doctor yet!

    Hopium: She’ll sell the property, move back in the house, put some money into it and realize her life is here with the man who truly loves her.

    BFC-GH: Her call from our grand daughter has shaken sense into her, she wants to assume her role as a 50 year old grandmother and get back to re-establishing her relationships with our children. We grow old together as she finds salvation and walks a road to recovery from her mental sickness.

  • Fact: Wife wants to attend MC.

    Hopium: This means she’s committed to ending her affair and working on our marriage, as opposed to undertaking impression management.

  • Fact: He told me he never loved, actually hated, his previous partner (and mother of his two children) but stayed with her for 17 years because he was weak.

    Hopium: OMG – but everyone makes mistakes and he’s done the introspection, figured out his part in that failed relationship, sees it was a horribly cruel thing to do to another human being.

    Super Hopium: I’ve told him how horrified I am by what he’s told me, and I’ve told him I’d rather we end it than risk being with someone who pretends they love me, but he’s sworn on his daughter’s life that he loves me, so he must mean it. He wouldn’t have told me he never loved his ex if he felt the same way towards me, would he? Surely I am special, aren’t I???

    Real translation: BEHOLD YOUR FATE – DICKHEAD!

    Fact: Numerous failed love affairs and two tortuous, abusive marriages.

    Hopium: He says he loves me. He must really care about my health, wealth and happiness.

    Super Hopium: He loves me. I’ve a friend and ally and someone who’s got my back. Together we’re a great team.

    Real Translation: I love you – So I’m just waiting for the perfect bus to throw you under.

    Cynical, but the truth of my life, I’m sorry to say.

  • Fact: I, grade A Chump, cooked lovely meals and we continued to sit at the table as a family night after night while I knew he was cheating.

    Hopium: My amazing pasta e fagioli along with interesting dinner conversation would make him want our family again.

    Betty Ford Clinic-grade Hopium: He would realize his OW could not cook like this (however, she probably makes a mean hamburger helper meal) or be nearly as witty and interesting, particularly at the dinner table. Therefore, he’d text her like he texted her every night and morning but that’s ok because soon enough he would tell her that it’s over. He’d never see her again because, well, he had everything he needed at home right down to the pasta.

    One more…this one even more pathetic:

    Fact: We spent the holidays together at my urging, you know, for family.

    Hopium: He’d realize how happy we all were, just like old times, was when we were all together with all the laughter and love a family could hold. And, the magic holiday fairy dust would wash over him and make him end his affair STAT.

    Betty Ford Clinic-grade Hopium: Although the OW showed up at our ski trip during the holidays, that didn’t matter, the holidays are magical! Holiday fairy dust! Certainly he wasn’t communicating with her over Christmas to tell her our plans…maybe she was simply an elf illusion that happened to look like a cute blonde ski bunny who was staring at my husband like he was Alberto Tomba. (oops, back to Hopium): My ability to keep up with his extra fast skiing that day as he tried to get away from me combined with my mad skills at finding the perfect table for the family to sit at at lunch (near the fire pit even!) in the midst of hordes of people AND fetching him a micro brew will impress my husband so. Surely, he’ll tell the blonde elf to go stalk some other family and end the affair at once.

    • Turning up on your holiday!!! Is that like a Muriel’s wedding type situation?

      Scaaaary people

  • During the months that divorce was in process, I continued to get together with ex on occasion for meals, fun outings with son, coffee, etc. He had taken off his wedding ring when I decided to go ahead with divorce, but put it back on during this time. Even though we were divorcing, I took these get togethers, his wearing the ring, and his continued friendliness as signs that he really DID love me somewhere deep down, and maybe he was going to beg me to cancel divorce and stay with him. I admit, I wanted that so much.

    Night before what would have been our 22nd anniversary, he invited me to go to breakfast on that date. My heart leapt, thinking certainly he was going to say he wanted to stay married, but some little voice inside made me say, “No thanks.”

    Woke up next morning to an email from him that he was taking off the ring, going to be dating other people, wondered how to handle Facebook, as he didn’t “want me hurt” by seeing pics of him with other women.

    I realized then that he had been setting this up for months. He wanted to “dump” me at the breakfast on our anniversary as revenge for my being the one to file for divorce. He KNEW I was filled with hopium, and he did his best to feed that over the months leading up to that date. He wanted to see my face when he hurt me, but as I’d refused breakfast, he had to settle for the email.

    There was absolutely no other reason for him to pull that stunt on our anniversary. Our divorce wasn’t final until months after that. He had encouraged me with the friendly get-togethers, putting his ring back on, the invitation to breakfast, just so he could build me up and hurt me even more with his announcement.

    I promptly blocked him on Facebook and that was the end of the friendly get togethers. It was all rage after that. He has pulled several other stunts over the years for no other reason than to hurt me. But I’ll admit, it took a long time for the hopium to die and he used that to his advantage every time as a way to hurt me more.

    • Forgot to say that all of the get-togethers during divorce proceedings were initiated by ex. I knew it was a bad idea, but was sucking the hopium pipe so hard, even while proceeding with divorce.

      • WTF is it with the ring? During my fuckwit’s EA/PA of 10 years earlier, he took off his ring months before DDay. When asked why, he claimed it bothered him while golfing. After 19 years of marriage? Huge lie, he was in the midst of the affair and was trying to show schmoopie how he was leaving that bitch wife eventually but just needed time. Needed to get permission from his young daughters to move out and go fuck around since nothing shall ever be His Choice. He is an innocent child in all of it and was being pulled along by the OW.

        Fast forward nine years. Post-final abandonment, he would always wear his ring when he came back to the house to do moving prep type things; he was there 3 times after the abandonment. He couldn’t wear the ring at his construction work site for safety rules (fact) so it was a specific, special effort on his part to put it back on for the trip to the house.

        Hopium: See, it is different this time! He wants me, he is still wearing his ring!

        Truth: He let it itch and burn his little finger in order to keep me calm, like smoking a bee hive so you can get in and grab the honey.

        Fucking fucker.

        • Dr. Cheaterpants ex took off his ring at both discards to run off into the sunset with his twu wuv schmoopies. This was one of the warning signs (red flags) the second time he was screwing around.

        • I was preparing timelines for court when I came across a text I sent to my best friend during my wreckonciliation….
          “He says he’s wearing his wedding ring all the time now”
          Hopium is sick ass drug…..#facepalm

    • I love how they “announce” they’re going to start dating other people… um… you never stopped, you stupid fuckwit.

      Mr. Sparkles played the ring game too. Toddler games.

  • One last and very Painful one.

    Fact: GOD gives all humanity Individual freedom of choice. Only the road ahead forks with correct/incorrect decisions. There are signs for guidance if we are paying attention. Yes. You can be angry at GOD but it ain’t his fault either. Get it?

    Hopium: GOD will convict STBXWW’s heart and bring her back to me

    BFC-GH: (S)He’ll do it quickly. Just for Me. To ease My pain.

      • Fact: Good doesn’t want them in your life.

        God have me many opportunities yo leave. I think God eventually got fed up with me pussyfooting and pulled the plug for me. Thanks God!????????

        • So true. God even sent a priest to tell me straight up to leave his abusive ass immediately. (Not in those exact words though.)

  • My whole life I have tried to hang onto partners who abused or mistreated me or were very unhealthy people. Very sadly, I think that a minuscule part of me hopes that after seeing my ex-boyfriend with my replacement very soon after his discard of me, him telling me he didn’t want me, and him blocking me on all media, many months after final discard, that someday he” bump into me realize how wonderful I was for him and lovingly take me back. Maybe after my kids are grown, I’ve discovered a cure for cancer, and I have become a billionaire who looks like Miss America, not Miss America’a wrinkled mother.

    Obviously, I didn’t make it to the clinic in time to save my life. I died on the streets of Chumpville, hopinm pipe in hand, devastated, devoid of dignity, feeling as though he called all the shots–every single one.

    He, like my ex-husband, has many times more money, time (I work full time and have kids nearly full time), sleeps like a baby with my replacement by his side, adored and respected by him. I wonder what that’s like.

    I am robotically staying alive to help my young children because helping earning money for and encouraging them is my duty and I love them. I try to improve the lives of homeless people and animals. I feel no hope that I will feel happy again in spite of knowing intellectually that there is good and beauty in the world. I am physically, cognitively, and emotionally exhausted of life. When people say, Thank God It’s Friday,’ before discard, I used to think, ‘Yeah, I get to see the best man ever tonight!’ Now I dread the weekend, more unfinished/undone tasks to face alone, knowing that yet again I cannot see the partner who repeatedly shunned me but I loved more than any man.

    I am not religious, but I wish that there were a Chump afterlife in which we could joyfully spend eternity with the facade of our lying, disrespectful partners.

    I hope that all of the good chumps here have have a wonderful Friday and a glorious life!

    • Yes, I feel the same as you, beautifully expressed. I never try to date women because I know it’s futile for me and with my ex, I felt it was a miracle, it was, for me, but not for her, for her I was just someone she needed for a brief time before she found another rich man. It is tragic, some people just have wretched lives, I am one. Some just don’t evoke love. I know it does not matter how I try to elicit love by manifesting it, it doesn’t matter. When you have that experience of futility in relation to what you offer that ought to be so precious, it is beyond heart-breaking, it’s immiserating. The worthlessness takes your will: if the best you can give is worthless, what can you do to enrich another?

      • I completely understand. My happiness is gone and I won’t ever be able to trust another person anymore. I’m jaded now because of what I thought I had only to discover it was all a big lie.

        I’m learning to love myself just as I am because I am worth loving.

        You are too Simon! You have to live your life with love and caring for yourself in order to find a real love in another. Don’t let these faux love narcs fool you again. Believe their actions and watch their words. I bet they don’t match up.

        • Yes, but connection is the basis of meaning, you can find meaning and trust through someone’s treatment of you. It’s just so hard to find anyone of integrity. I hope you can.

      • Simon, et al

        for much of my 35 year marriage, apparently, I was fooled by my now EX Husband (“wasband”). When I first realized how fooled I was, I felt that I was THE fool.

        But I really do not believe that now. I’ve made new friends who affirm my inner goodness and yes, I have met a new man and he reminds me of how funny, smart and sexually attractive I am.

        My wasband is the FOOL, not me.

        When you say you gave a relationship your best and “it’s worthless” you are mistaken. You are assuming THEY determine your value. They do not.

        Their rejection reflects poorly on THEM< not you.

        If you made a cake with Julia Child's right there and she said "yes, you made it perfectly." And someone you are dating refuses the cake or does not like it, who knows why?

        It is NOT about your cooking, it's about how they don't like cake or they are diabetic etc.

        My wasband fooled me, and he is a fool for doing that to ME, the mother of his children and a loyal loving wife who grew up with him.

        I'm a strong woman capable of loyalty and love.

        So are you. Believe that. Know that. It will show, as you begin to KNOW.

  • Fact: He was a serial cheater who got away with it for YEARS but was eventually caught in a romance with a coworker.

    Hopium: He admitted that they “shared rooms” in a hotel but assured me they never had sex but he is just quirky enough for that to be true.

    BFG Hopium: He is living in the same city as OW but they “broke up” and does not see her. He is going to move back home and realize how valuable our family is and we will run marriage retreats at Church.

    Outcome: yes he was quirky… hiding a life time of cheating will make you look quirky at best. Cheater dropped dead then secrets unfold and I realize I was married to a monster the whole time…”marriage retreats at Church” can you believe anyone was that deluded?

    • I can believe it because I was that deluded. Maybe still am…yikes. Have you watched Heart of Man on Netflix?

      I believed that God would convict Reptilestiltskin in such a way that he would immediately return home broken and contrite. We would enter church counseling and he would pledge to spend the rest of our days making it up to me. Our glorious reconciliation would become legendary, maybe even a best selling book and we would give seminars on marriage and our testament to the glory of prayer and faith would move millions!

      Now I will go quietly vomit.

      • I still believe that God is real and He can work with people who are contrite about their sin, but nowdeadcheater had skeletons so deep in his closet, at some point he could never ever come clean to me. I realized that God is serious about the free-will He gives us.

        I haven’t watched Heart of Man… will look into it.

        I struggle with the idea that people should still hope in God but our demanding of miracles when like gets hard isn’t what I think He meant when he created us

  • Thanks for the wake-up call!

    I smoked quite a bit of the hopium pipe during my marriage, but after reading this entry and the responses above I realize I’ve taken far more hits off the pipe in my current ‘relationship’ (which is a one-sided relationship). My head knows this friendship is all it will ever be, but my heart is having trouble catching up. It’s time to seriously work on my picker.

    It’s time to go cold turkey!

    • Jam Lady,
      If you are sacrificing yourself on the altar of hopium as I have, especially in my post-separation relations–t, O hope that you will protect yourself. My self-esteem and overall well-being, which was already at an all-time low, has incredibly fallen to even lower levels as I hung onto someone who often subtly treated me with contempt and then cast me aside more than once when he found someone he took seriously (or even just more exciting–new).

  • FACT: Spouse did not discuss getting a vasectomy with me, his chosen legal marital partner. He just went ahead saying he’s getting snipped and made an appointment.

    HOPIUM: aw, he must be embarrassed to talk about losing his fertility by choice. I know I’d be upset. I bet the surgery scares him. I’ll make sure to cater to him during his recovery.

    BETTY FORD CENTER TRANSLATION: He didn’t mean to not have a conversation with me about getting a vasectomy. It just slipped his mind. It’s him being so busy at work and having to drive almost an hour in bad traffic each way. He must be overwhelmed with our young children and doesn’t want anymore because I’m so fertile. I’ll be sure to take good care of him because that’s what good wives do. Nevermind that he left me after two days to go to work, while I was in debilitating pain after the birth of our last child and the doctors and nurses said I needed help for at least a few weeks so I can rest. I do matter to him; see he knows he is inadequate as a husband and father that’s why he’s getting this surgery. Of course it’s to be more present with us. It’s going to be a glorious family with him being the responsible family man. There’s nothing at all shady going on with him being absent emotionally and only giving intermittent affection when he wants something in return. Shush those thoughts dear, you have the perfect husband you’ve always wanted.

    THE REAL REASON: He didn’t want to get his married co-worker pregnant because she was trying to get pregnant by her husband. Hence, no conversation with me at all because he had already discussed it with her. No consideration of my feelings on the matter of our family. He blamed me as the reason he was getting one though. I even called him out on acting like an available bachelor. He denied it of course. Gaslighting at it’s finest! After D-Day he agreed I was correct.

    Yes, I know I’ve been correct about all your weird poor behavior because I’m not stupid like you believe.

    • @NotAgain, OMG! What a cluster! What is wrong with people? She’s trying to get pregnant while screwing around on her husband?!!! That is some twisted logic.

    • My husband tried to get a vasectomy without my knowledge because his AP told him to.

      • Mine got the vasectomy with my knowledge. It was supposed to be for me but he decided that gift should be shared with a couple of sluts too. He resented the times he had to use a condom early in our marriage before we were ready for kids. I guess Schmoopie is a saint for not making him wear a condom like mean old Chumpinrecovery did back in the day. Well of course not, I didn’t make him wear one after the vasectomy either. He also wasn’t concerned with STDs. Schmoopie wouldn’t deign to have them.

  • While still married and chumpily unaware I was coupled with a sociopathic liar, he invited me out to dinner and drinks at a pub I had been wanting to try for YEARS. I was beyond thrilled; I couldn’t wait to spend time with him.

    What a shock to find out later that the co-worker blonde we just happened to “bump” into at the pub was his skank he had been already screwing. I’m pretty sure he getting jerked off in her car and not in the bathroom for 15 minutes because he had a headache and was waiting for the Imitrex to kick in.

    They get off on the deception and how stupidly trusting we are.

    And now, he’s all hers! 🙂

  • Fact: The OW told my husband that he should try to reconcile with me.

    Hopium: Since she’s just his “friend” and she’s giving him good advice, maybe he’ll listen. I should be perfect in the meantime.

    Betty Ford Clinic-grade Hopium: They should spend MORE time together so she has MORE time to convince him [with her vagina] to reconcile with me.

  • Fact: finding ways of cash and viagra hidden under the seat in his truck

    Hopium: maybe this is such a personal thing for him that he keeps the pills in his car so I won’t find them…and, he probably likes having cash for when he splits checks with his friends

    Extra Denial: he kept pills in the house too, so my hopium logic was extra unsound!

  • Fact : After Dday #1, bought her dream house, put in a pool, had another baby, and renewed our wedding

    Hopium : Surely she’d have to be crazy to give all this up, especially now.

    BFC GH: She’s not crazy.

  • That cartoon is a picture of me high as fuck on hopium. And not your regular run-of-the-mill hopium. No sir. I got me some small-batch wreckoncilitaion pick-me-dance hopium after a year apart. Man that shit knocked my dick in the dirt for a minute.

    *Hopium* Matchstick Girl: I left Matchstick, and I am bringing you your dog.

    *Fact* He threw me out again


    Her: kthxbye

    *Me reading Chump Lady again like it’s a religious text.* Ouch.

    • Understanding doesn’t break the bond, that’s the problem. If only there was a surgical procedure for removing bonds. To ape the Titanic song, how do you stop your heart from going on?

      • Yes.
        The bond.
        No contact is crucial for me.
        Less gaslighting and psych abuse.

        Education and forcing myself to own up to the truth of what the narc really is behind the mask.

        Replace Narc Bond with Self Bond

    • *Me reading Chump Lady again like it’s a religious text.*— Lol!

      Hell, I thought it *was* a religious text! I’ve never read anything more helpful . . .

    • Hugs Doubtless. The next one will be so lucky to have you in her life.

  • Fact: He’s being civil and pleasant to me.

    Hopium: We’ve weathered his mid-life depression or whatever else has been troubling him for the last several years.

    BFC-GH: He’ll start being nice to me any minute. He’ll start fulfilling his obligations and responsibilities. We’ll do things as a family. The household won’t be chaotic and angry any longer. His “soul mate” was just a mistake or a stage he was going through. My patience has been rewarded!

    Reality: He was preoccupied with something else and forgot to be snide or short with me–but as soon as he notices that I’ve perked up he’ll start spitting nails again.

    I could make hopium out of any three ingredients available in anyone’s kitchen or bathroom cupboard. I was that good–just a miracle of creative chemistry when it came to whipping up a batch of hopium.

    • Hopium: If I fix the things he complains, fumes, and nitpicks me about, then he will stop complaining, fuming, and nitpicking.

      Bfgh-if I fix these things, he will express appreciation and actually be happy with me (along with not complaining)

      The truth? This is abusive behavior. It never was really about what I was or wasn’t doing (I would fix things and he’d find some new flaw or sin). It was about whatever power, control, relief, or other satisfaction he found in making me pay for the sins of others he lacked the courage to stand up to, or the deficiencies within that he wouldn’t or couldn’t see, acknowledge, or address.

      • Yes this exactly….I had never seen this much criticism, complaining, and silent treatments about toward me in my life. I too thought if I fixed what he was upset about that it would stop. Nope just got worse.

      • Mehvolution, this is the perfect description of the first years of my relationship w/Cheater Narc. Add in many attempts to show and explain to him why his negativity, moodiness and nitpicking were bad for me, the kids, and HIM. If only I could get him to UNDERSTAND, everything would change!!!

        Sigh. I was such an idiot.

        • KarenE Reframing that. You were bringing your A game, trusting and thinking he had the capacity for empathy. That is totally his lack. Not yours.

      • Mehvolution: wow, it is clear now, isn’t it? Yet it was hard to see it while running in circles, trying to “ improve” our imperfections

  • Fact: Douchebag was always using his prestigious position in the workplace to mentor younger (usually attractive) women, letting them shadow him, taking them out to lunch.
    Hopium: I love him and am a secure enough woman I will not let it bother me.
    Betty Ford Clinic Grade Hopium: He’s mentoring young women so that they will become successful! Hooray! #feministguy #internationaldayofwomen #imsolucky
    Reality: He was prowling for potential candidates.

  • Fact: He cheated and I knew would probably want to cheat again
    Hopium: To prevent additional cheating, I tried to extra super duper communicate past both our comfort zones about his continuing desires to cheat
    BFC-GH: I told him, “I know you’re going to want to cheat again, so I just want you to call me when you get that feeling, so we can talk about what’s going on in your head and hopefully we can prevent you from doing something that would really hurt and violate me. Can you agree to that?” And then I BELIEVED HIM when he said he was cool with that system.

    Holy moly soooooo chumpy.

  • Fact: He got exposed by a vengeful OW on social media, and came to me in tears to confess before I found her posts myself. He begged forgiveness, and said he was willing to do anything to make it better and not lose me.

    Hopium: He confessed, he feels bad about it, he’s willing to do anything to make amends, he owns his choices, maybe that means he feels the magic *remorse* that the reconciliation-bots murmur about being the true mark of the unicorn and path to happily ever after land?

    Betty Ford Clinic – grade Hopium: He humbly and without complaint accepted the manifesto of “Terms of R” that the reconciliation-bots said to demand. The GPS tracker, the passwords, the bank account access, devices on demand, the things to read, the things to do. All of it. This means he *IS* remorseful, and we’re following the yellow brick road straight to “R” land!

    The Truth: It was all reconciliation theater to appease me and throw me off the scent while he built a second online identity using a workplace computer, under an assumed name, opened secret social media accounts, and started demonizing me as a controlling abuser to a woman he was using as a concern kibble dispenser who deemed him a domestic abuse victim because of the reconciliation-bots’ list of demands. So, then it was the poor abused little cheater and his kibble spewing angel of mercy against the big bad controlling crazy lady who had him fearing for his safety if he should dare try and escape my disordered evil clutches. After all, I *forced* him to hand over his phone and laptop to scrutinize them, I *forced* him to be GPS tracked. I took away his privacy and freedom. He was but my plaything and slave…

  • Right before our daughter’s 16th birthday, the STBX and I had agreed to a trial separation. He said he needed time and space to sort things out, see how he felt about me and us, yadda yadda. We had talked about it in the basement, and we removed each other’s wedding rings — with me in tears.

    We celebrated our daughter’s birthday at a waterpark resort with three of her girlfriends. The entire time, STBX was kind, fun, attentive, even affectionate with me. A turnaround from the sullen, contemptuous person he had been while I was killing myself trying to save our marriage.

    Hopium: This separation has opened his eyes and heart. He values me again. Values us. I can’t believe this change could happen so fast. All the pain will have been a hard but worthwhile lesson. Maybe we can start again.

    Jeebus, what a chump.

    Reality: He was so relieved to be able to see his mistress without the guilt of infidelity that he felt free with me. Free to lead me on, let me hope. Even though he knew it was hopeless. He got to know. I didn’t.

    That was such a horrible, painful time in my life. It’s so much better now without him in it.

    • Rally, he told my son who was away at college I was OK with it as he had him selling things from the house while on break.

      Umm..I’m not sure if it’s guilt. I’d say stopping the pick me dance gives them a smaller pedistal.

    • Yes, I remember when my XW asked for that “trial separation.” I somehow had the presence of mind, then, to say to her face that all that would mean is she’d have free license to go live with OM, so that wouldn’t work for me at all.

      • Good on you for that presence of mind, Chumpling, under crazy-making circumstances.

  • Fact: Bob asked me to meet him in Las Vegas for an intimate romantic dinner. After I drove 4+ hours to get there, Bob didn’t contact me because he claimed he had ‘left his phone at home by mistake’ so I sat in my room all night and cried. Again. And watched the sun come up alone. Again.

    Hopium: Bob has realized that I am the woman of his dreams and will do anything to make it happen.

    BFGH: Bob has invited me to Las Vegas and there will be an engagement ring at the bottom of the champagne glass.

    Christ, I was such a fucking idiot.

  • Fact: Ricardo stalked me, phoned me constantly, drove past my house at every opportunity, wrote me love letters because he couldn’t live without me, ‘his soul mate’. His laser focus won me over.

    Hopium: This man truly truly loves me in a way that I have never – and will never – be loved again.

    BFGH: We can make a blissful life together that is so perfect in every way, we’ll be the envy of everyone. Ricardo will work hard to make the perfect life he has promised me into a reality. I will have his babies.

    Reality: Ricardo was under the mistaken belief that I had a trust fund that would enable him to quit working. So he did. His house and truck were repo’d, his smoking and drinking escalated and he made the mistake of hitting on some tramp right under my nose as we sat in our favorite dive bar at 11 in the morning. As a result of growing up with an abusive father, my self esteem was lower than a toad’s testicles which is why a constant procession of sketchy sociopathic men have paraded through my life.

  • Well, I think the absolutely worst example of my hopium pipe smoking was when I was diagnosed with cancer. The surgeon told me the terrible news and my husband, who was sat next to me, started swaying around and turning green. The nurse immediately leapt to his aid, laying him down on the bed, rushing out for a fan for him, bringing him water. I really did imagine that his visible shock signified that despite all the weird behaviour, coldness, meanness – he really did care. Well – that turned out to be a painful dose of hopium. I knew nothing at that stage about the OW. The next day he left me all alone and disappeared for 10 days (to OW house) and ignored my texts. When he got back, he lied through his teeth to me. And then 5 weeks later I had D day – shortly after my second dose of chemo. Now I look back and realise that his shock at my diagnosis was entirely linked to his affair and realisation that it was going to make it extra tricky for him to control the situation.

    • (((((M))))
      Left alone for 10 days after being diagnosed with cancer.
      There is no lower low.
      I am so sorry for how you were treated.
      Reading your post gave me chills.
      I hope that you concurred your cancer and are doing better now.
      As for your cheater, he is the worst type of cancer ever, it has eaten what was once a heart and a soul, if he ever possessed them in the first place.
      I send you love and many caring thoughts.

      • Peacekeeper

        I know the pain you went through. Similar to my cancer experience.

        You are mighty & strong!! Getting the cold, reptilian ex out of our lives is what we need to do

        (((HUGS))) ❤️

        • Thank you Kathleen. I’m so sorry to hear you had this too. It should never happen to anyone. Thank you for the hugs 🙂 I hope that you have full health and happiness now, and if not yet that you are on your way to that.

      • Thank you peacekeeper. You are really kind. It is still hard for me to grasp what happened and sometimes writing it out here helps me – just to get it out of my head for a bit. It was so shocking that people in my life have always struggled to talk about it. They just get really angry about it. I even had some counselling but the counsellor couldn’t deal with it herself. Thank you for listening.

  • Separated from NarcCheater #1 after 34 years
    Soon thereafter, targeted lovebombed and secured by NarcCheater#

    The 2 narc lead me to believe that his son lived with him and his son’s children – the grandchildren.
    That was why we couldn’t hang out at his place.

    Months later he “confessed” (after telling me for a month “he had something to tell me”) that it was really a “roommate” who had been living in his place for two years or so and it was her grandchildren who visited occasionally. He was only helping her out. “He had fallen in love with the “grands”. .. “They should be ours…”

    He was “afraid” to tell me because he thought he would “lose “me.

    (While he was pursuing me there was much direct questioning from me after which he assured me that he was single and available before I agreed to see him. Because that was stipulation #1 for me.)

    He didn’t know what to say when I said well then why can’t we spend any time over there.
    He said she’s moving out.

    Hopium: No problem really…she’s just a roommate
    BF Hopium: He’s the man for me.

    That lasted about six months more before I realized he was duplicitous and I felt this was some sick game. By then I was all in.

    Also lied that he was clean. And we were exclusive. No STD’s
    Nine months after beginning a relationship and thinking that we were still in a relationship I got some kind of STD. He intimated it was me. Only way – if i got it from myself.

    Turned out “the roommate” was going on 13 years.

    I didn’t know that he was a narc because I didn’t know what a narc was.

    Took more than two years plus to extricate the narc from my life. And I’m still in recovery.

  • my ex said, I choose you, (thought there was no one else), he said ‘all men do it), do what?, apparently she was always happy (not entitled to an opinion), he has started crying on phone calls, 5 times so far, I thought he had a cold, I check when swapping custody, nasal passages fine, hes got a girlfriend, whys he crying then (who cares?) my neighbor who thinks my ex is kind, whatever, yesterday doesn’t like my kids school, but she doesn’t known my kid does work and is graded 2 years above her. (I think this is proof that alcohol affects your brain). this is a comment from about 4 years ago a lady said ‘a man is better than no man’, make what you will of that.

  • Fact: found panties and phone records and realized he was using massage parlours and online escorts.

    Hopium: (the first time)- it’s like Bridget Jones. I just want you CR. I don’t go these places, I just look at it to get off, please don’t leave me, it’s just more racy and cheaper than porn.

    Betty Ford Clinic-grade Hopium: ‘I think I got married too young’ and this disclosure of hookers and a coworker is it. poor puffin doesn’t know how to deal with his unsowed oats, and his mom had cancer so his life was pretty hard and shitty.
    His name is on a public online blacklist for sex workers as someone you shouldn’t book with. Name is super unique. Must be someone else. ‘this coworker E is mad because she thinks me and A flirt too much it’s all rubbish’…. I get it, flirting is different for everyone… oh and that craigslist ad which talks about freee for all Wednesday orgy at the bathhouse down the street. I didn’t bookmark that on purpose.

    The Real Deal: only admits to some of the trash hooker bullshit. Still uses something or some one – I don’t care- that shows up on his credit card bills. It’s all fun and games until you guilt the coworker you have fucked into getting an abortion. Oh and this is a different coworker than one from the one he mentioned above. I will never know the extent of what he did. Oh and his trip to burning man last year? I’m sure all he did was edibles and he didn’t think about going in the hook up tents or finding some delightful flower child on a bike. *lies lies lies*

    Oh but I still get valentines gifts and he wants to be better so we should reconcile.

  • Fact; he wanted to stay after Affair #1.

    Hopium: He values me and what we have, he wants our kids to grow up with both of us full-time, he realizes his (months long!) affair was a mistake.

    BFCL Hopium; He realizes how much pain he caused me (and indirectly the kids), he regrets that, and will work hard to repair. He would NEVER do anything like that again! He’s grateful I agreed to ‘work on the relationship’ and didn’t kick him out.

    Reality; He LOVED eating cake, he LOVED the pick-me dancing, he LOVED my renewed efforts to make our relationship better. He had zero regret, did the absolute minimum of repair work he could possibly get away with (read 1/4 of a book, attended 5 or 6 MC sessions before refusing to continue …), he didn’t give a fuck about the impact of his choices on our kids, and when he cheated again, said he FORGOT about the promises he’d made that allowed me to reconcile.

  • Albeit small proportionality speaking, there are cheaters that do recognize their inner flaws and want to change, and do change. It might be rare but it happens. I am a BH, but I was also a former drug addict for years and hid it until it all blew up on me, I realized that’s not whom I ever wanted to be like again…put the hard work on and have been sober for 3 years.
    My wife betrayal 2y ago was very hurtful….. But nothing, absolutely nothing compared to withdrawal from a physical substance addiction, ill take 5 D-days over the horrific indescribable withdrawal process.

    • Nope. Addiction and cheating are not comparable. Congrats to you on three years. To let your skank-ass whore of a wife off the hook for cheating on you during your first year of sobriety is the wrong decision. Take that weak gruel elsewhere – this is not a “BH” wreckonciliation site. Dump her diseased snatch and get happy.

  • You just described my marriage with my soon to be XH. I thought if I do what he wants or explain why his anger, demeaning words, shouting or hollering, nitpicking was painful emotionally, he would understand and we will start living a much happier peaceful life.

    I later realized nothing I do will ever be good enough. There will always be something wrong with what I did or did not do. I also noticed he asked for my opinion or solution and if the solution never worked, he got angry and blamed me for it. This made him look good since he was not the one making failed decisions. If the solution worked, I rarely got praise or I got, “you got lucky this time” or “are you waiting for a pat on the back?” with an unpleasant look. I felt ashamed for wanting the praise. When it came, I was high with hopium and happiness until the next discard which was never far.

  • Booking yet another overnight getaway, so we can bond and distressed, you know- he has no time to do it, so I will organize, find, book, prearrange etc. – all for US

    ( me: staying with his family almost 24/7 and taking care of two kids under age of 5, no car, pretty stuck for weeks; him: very flexible schedule, car, working late, meeting, dinners, lunches, fucking half of the town in the meantime)

    Hopium: we are stressed and need to relax; He loves surprises, I love him, we will have a great time.

    Reality: when I told him about the plan he got mad… why would we go? It’s stressing him out, we have no money or time for that… wine, dinner, sex all night long?
    Blahhhhh…. we argued and again I felt like a village idiot… wtf happened? I bought a bottle of wine, sexy outfit, prearranged nanny , booked hotel… WTF did I do wrong this time?!??

    Now I know, that sexy night in hotel with his wife, probably interfered with his idea of fun and exciting activities, that he was sharing (from the beginning of our marriage )with his : dates, hookers, prostitutes, call girls and God knows whom. I didn’t fit the profile of a fuckbuddy plus wasn’t paid for my services, so why bother?