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You’d Like Them If You Really Knew Them

One of the classic “Stupid Shit Cheaters Say” utterances is, “You know, if you met (the Schmoopie), you’d really like (him/her)! They’re a lot like you!”

Yeah, you know if the circumstances were different, and this person wasn’t fucking your spouse, I’m sure you’d really enjoy scrapbooking together.

It’s a patently moronic cake fantasy come to life. You’re all just interchangeable really, united in your love for the cheater. How can you take offense? They’re a GOOD PERSON just like you! If you could get over your unreasonable prejudice, you’d see that! But I guess you’re just too consumed with bitterness and jealousy, alas.

I see this again and again in my mail from chumps — once outed, the cheater feels totally emboldened to talk about the affair partner in glowing terms to the chump. Of course, this has the intended effect of goading the chump into more frenetic pick-me dancing. I’m sure part of the Mindy-Is-So-Awesome! phenomenon is deliberate and intentionally hurtful, but the other part is narcissistic cluelessness. Hey, what really matters here is MY happiness.

Can’t you be happy for them?

I’ve never felt a love like this before!

She has really big tits!

He so gets me. Like, the REAL me. He believes in my natural selection/screen play/get rich quick scheme unlike YOU. 

What are cheaters thinking here? That you’re going to slap them on the back and congratulate them on their good fortune? Well DONE, Forsythe! You really bagged a gem there!

Or perhaps they’re thinking that you’ll just graciously concede defeat and walk off the field? It would be really unsportsmanlike of you to ask for a decent divorce settlement.

Or maybe you’re supposed to nod in agreement? “Oh yeah, Bob is ALL THAT. And did you notice what a fine head of hair he has? Is that his natural color? Just wow.”

Here’s some advice, chumps — shut that shit down.

The minute your cheater starts playing compare and contrast to their fuckbuddy? You’re DONE. The conversation is OVER.

I realize some therapists encourage this crap, so you know, you examine all the dynamics that drove them to cheat, and what needs you weren’t meeting, like your male pattern baldness and such. (Did you see Bob’s hair?)

But really, why would you spend one second competing with an affair partner? This is a marriage commitment, not the Hunger Games.

Know your worth.

This post ran previously. I’m still getting the You’d Really Like ‘Em! stories…

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at Read more about submission guidelines.
  • The reason why me an OW will never be friends is that I have a set of morals and she does not.

    Those darn 10 Commandments!

    • My ex#1 finally found an Asian woman who would marry him after floundering around for about 10 years. He “dated” some real winners in the meantime. For some reason, none of the OW he had while we were married were around when we divorced. I think it was an issue of seeing him without the attractive framing of the marital assets??? Anyway — my son’s became quite adept at spotting the flaws with the date da jour’s. They did not like the one he decided to marry, either, but that did not deter either of them.

      She was a “Christian” woman, who knew of his past crappy behavior, but believed “he had changed” and she claimed she had prayed for a husband (to support her and get her a green card) and God had sent her my Ex#1. I assured her that 1) he would never change, and 2) he was not familiar with God, and I was sure God had not sent him to anyone — unless he was some form of punishment for something bad she may have done? She, of course, just bought his story that I did not want him to be happy.

      Since they have been married, her obsession with being a “good Christian” woman has worn a bit thin, and she does not seem to be as “forgiving” of his behavior as she was when she forgave his past behavior with me. She also has decided to make up elaborate and dramatic stories about my son’s — somehow they have resisted her direction to “follow God’s will” and date women from her church that she approves of. So now, both my son’s are doomed to live a sinful life and die without God blessing them, and good ole dad get’s to hear all about it. He dismisses it to my son’s as “her Crazy Christian Shit”. She does not understand why she cannot drive a deep wedge between the Man God Sent to Her and his Heathen Children, and why he does not hold her high on the altar of Wifely Wonder that a Christian Man would have for his wife.

      Those darn 10 Commandments! That pesky Forgiveness. Those Toxic Christian Attitudes! When will we learn????

    • It took me about three seconds to roll my eyes and walk away from that!
      I too, got rid of the one thing I knew we had in common, him.
      Same shit, different shithead.

    • OMG! I thought only my Ex said that…You would really like her and then we would run into out somewhere and he would want to stop and talk with her….leaving me just standing there!

  • “I’ve finally found someone who loves me!”

    This, after 15 years of me walking on eggshells, buttressing her “not feeling well” excuses for not honoring social commitments, and supporting her interest/new career path of the month.

    This, after less than 3 months of servicing the (still married at the time) Rider of the Purple Dildo.

    It staggers the mind.

    • Every invite was met with, “ I’m not comfortable”. This is a manchild who takes comfort only in knowing there’s a pussy on the horizon.

      Didn’t want to ride mountain bikes
      Play cards
      Go hiking
      Go to new restaurants
      Plan a date or anything for that matter.
      Go to a movie

      I think we get caught up in the comparative analysis of the illusion in the beginning.

      And her tits sag to her belly button
      She has a manly voice
      Multiple arrests
      A son she neglected
      Not an ounce of class or integrity
      She’s ugly as fuck
      Mentally ill
      Was told not to go to my daughters workplace
      Allows her to sit on his lap in a casino with his hand between her legs.
      He only child punched her in the face.
      And she’s possessive.

      Playing nice to a sloppy cunt blow job whore isn’t going to happen.

      Making peace (her request) was for image management and triangulation, nothing more.

      Let’s take a stab at the real truth. He’s limited and all hers. How’s that working? Don’t care.

      He’ll reach retirement age in four years burdened with debt. She will be supporting him on a very limited income.

      I’m hopimg she’s all in for that ride.

      Me, I have a two pensions and plugging my money into another account, I live simply, have a good profession and salary. My SS will be twice as much as his.

      The best part is knowing my life is 100% better.

      • Awsome! I to am well on my way. And with the bottom dweller leach out of my life I have extra to take my daughter on the graduation trip of her dreams. Yeah for us and for all you fellow chumps who see the flip side of being a chump!

  • We WERE alike in many ways, except that I was younger, slimmer, smarter, prettier, and more fun than her. But given that he was a crashing bore, I am glad she took him off my hands.

    When they first started dating, four years ago, she was slim, tan, nice nails, glowing, pretty, happy. She thought she’d hit the jackpot.

    But then he worked his magic: managing down the expectations, keeping her guessing and pick-me dancing, on her toes, ministering to his needs.

    Today, she’s an exhausted frump with a bare left hand. He remains unchanged.

    I am so glad she helped me to lose 110kg of unwanted weight.

    • Mine did that to the OW, later his second wife, too! When I first met her she was confident, glowing, very upright posture, short hair, turquoise earrings, spotlessly clean house. Six years of him later and her hair was long and straggly, she walked hunched over, she no longer wore earrings (or clean, nice clothes) or looked confident, and her home was filthy.

        • I DID look scraggly after being with him for a while. I’m back to wearing nice clothes, standing upright, and feeling happy now. It was just so nice to realize that he was the one doing it. And he’d actually done it to HER. (Despite telling me she was much better, more confident and so on.)

            • I look ten years younger than I did living with Cheater XH…and Schmoopie? Omg, too bad we can’t post pictures here. I’m not kidding one bit. She is one of the ugliest women I have ever seen. You can tell she wasn’t even a cute baby. I can’t believe he fucks that thing but whatever. And now she gets to live his ‘dreams.’ I remember one time he was drunk and he was telling me how when he retired he wanted to buy a camper and travel all over the country and go to every dive bar he could. OMFG. I’ve never met two people who deserve each other more. Good riddance. I am so glad that’s not my shit show anymore.

    • Right? It’s been 5 years since meeting the OW/now wife and she is a decade older. Not that that means anything because I have many friends and mentors who are older than me…and her, and they look in better condition than she did. I ran into her recently and literally had to ask who she was because it’s been so long since I’ve met her, time has not been kind to her, and I couldn’t tell if she was really her, or her mother…lol (should have said it when I asked…)
      When she finally looked me in the eye, and exchanged a few words, I realize she is exactly like my ex…dismissing, avoidant, weak, ugly….
      But no, it must be love, and I’m sure she has a great personality…not to be confused for great character….
      They’re perfect for eachother. I laughed and laughed out loud…

    • Yes, Lola! She found the weight I lost. Wears a beach coverup to a wedding with a pair of 70’s white shoes that have yellowed. The kind they used to paint to match the bridesmaid’s gowns. He’s aged ten years and wore a jacket I bought him twenty five years ago (wrinkled).

      Deadbeats, make a cute couple. I kept wondering what he told the other, other woman.

  • yeah some gems from Cheater Wife on Dday and post Dday:

    “He’s a really good person.”
    “He reminds me of you.”
    “He’s really creative and talented.” (I’m pretty sure he works for a phone company)
    “He respects my job more than you.” (Was he one of your former students?….uh..uh..uh.. no)
    “He’s nice. He sent his condolences for your dead father.”(she screwed him, again, nine days after the funeral)

    • I got that “I slept with him because he reminds me of you” load of crap, too… if that is supposed to make me feel better about it. What a B—Yotch. Couldn’t get away from her fast enough.

  • Mine was on-line cheating. Russian women in the Ukraine. He had joined a dating site and lied to these women saying he was single. I read their emails to him. They were smart and engaging. Asking him questions that he didn’t answer. He was corresponding with so many, some of whom were single mothers. It made me sick. Stringing along desperate women to stroke his pathetic ego. Trust that they suck.

    • Likewise. Mine was corresponding with an ex-student of his (college), telling her how his marriage was over, offering up himself as father of the year, staying only to be there for his daughter, preying on the bad judgement of a young woman who had just been dumped by her boyfriend after having moved to a new town and using his position of authority to exploit rather than protect a young person he was supposed to be educating. I think that last part was the hardest for me.

      Meanwhile, I’m ver here like a chump decorating our house for Halloween and buying new sexy bras to try and interest him.

  • The ‘man’ screwing my partner told his wife and mother of his kids in bed that she would like his schmoopie (my ex) as “she was a lot like her but without the kids!” Thankfully his STBEW had the foresight to smack him in the mouth and knock some teeth out!

  • While I think.the whore and I have a similar look, no way do we have any moral or philosophical similarities.

    Fuckwit did do a brief comparison of physical attributes, mainly pointing out that she is heavier than me (and much shorter). The one he told me I would like, however, is his therapist. I was open minded when I went to meet her but quickly she got on my negative side with her new age validation. I bet she would love Esther Perel.

    It dawned on me that the therapist may be my replacement too because she validates and mother’s him and his craziness and unfortunately I was unwittingly doing this for years.

  • In my case, the cheater went one worse. He didn’t talk to me about schmoopie but he began showing the kids pictures of her & telling them how much they’d like her. The manipulation is mind-boggling.

    • Oh yes, thing he told 17 yo son that I can’t get out of my head: she is a warm and loving person! I’ll bet she is.

    • My cheater wife actually took my daughter (then 12) to meet the AP before any of us knew that she was cheating. Weird triangulation there.

      • Mine used to take our then 9 yo on outings with her and her kids in the school holidays when I was at work, saying “don’t tell mum she’s boring and doesn’t like other people to have fun and she’ll spoil it”. In the end he let the cat out of the bag saying “dad makes me play with two stinky girls while he stays laughing with their mummy”. Cue hyena laugh.

        Her chumped husband was also at work. Neither of our cheating spouses had a job, and some boring (chump) has to pay the bill’s.

        • Gracie D, what a sick creep he was (and still is, I’m sure, but at least he is no longer your problem…).

        • That is just so messed up GracieD, Zell, Feelingit, and Mavis! It’s just despicable to involve children, they don’t know, they are innocent, getting caught up in the distorted reality of these pieces of crap cheaters! I found text between ex and AP making plans to take her kids and my kids to the movies! Thank God I caught him before it happened. With all the crazy shit he was putting us through already the last thing my kids needed was the added confusion of daddy being sweet on some girl in front of them! You know I don’t blame the AP because I think she thought I was the crazy ex wife who couldn’t let go and wouldn’t leave him alone. Kind of like he told me his daughter’s mother was a crazy pill popping addict (which I don’t believe anymore, he physically abused her).

    • Returning from some time away with the kids (where she actually dumped the kids with friends and drove 300 miles to spend the week with AP, but that’s another story), my cheater wife made up some story about their flight arriving late and kept the kids at the airport to meet the AP (her “colleague”) when his flight arrived an hour later.

      My daughter knew about the affair (teenagers are good phone snoops) and was incensed at being tricked into meeting the AP. That event started a rift between mother and daughter that still, 2+ years later, hasn’t healed.

    • I never heard comparisons or even mention of the OW but he started answering her calls in the car when we were on our way to dinner “hello so and so” announcing her name so that SHE would get the hint that I was in the car. Then, the ‘conversation” would be him just listening to the whore do the talking. Probably telling him to not touch me and that she was ready for him, or whatever fuckwit desperate conversation she had with him. I got first of glimpse her when she arrived at hospice. Once I knew her name, I saw her on youtube and internet with the best pic she could find of herself. I wondered why he’d run after me after I would get back from the hairdresser because the whore and I had the same hairstyle and color. I guess he had a momentary lapse thinking I was his Howorker. But he never mentioned that he had a Howorker.
      Other time he said that he doesn’t drink beer anymore, that drinking wine is ‘classier’ red flag ! Mostly women drink wine, so I told him, well you must have a girlfriend and he did what he always did, turn on his heel and leave the room. I guess I hit on the truth many times by that reaction. OR he was just dropping a bomb ! IMO she does not hold a candle to me, but I’m sure he was interested in her one body part not her face, the essential one that he could take on trips with him because that thing of hers came in handy

      • He suddenly started drinking red wine – said he discovered Jacob’s Creek and hadn’t realised how ‘classy’ it was. Also started smoking roll-ups and denied marijuana until some sob story of how he was broke because he had to lend money to some hard done by mother whose husband wasnt supporting her. Actually, the husband wasnt supporting her ‘habit’ and her dealer got busted on an exchange for half a kilo, so poor schmoopie lost her money (or fuckwits?)

        In this country over 30 grs is possession with intent, but he was overawed with how frugal she was to bulk buy. Like it was a case of tinned tomatoes.

        • Mine started drinking gin. He hates gin, but it was OW#1’s drink. Once they were done so was the gin.

          These asshats are so fucking empty that anyone can pour themselves into them for the moment, the chase for that elusive happynez makes them chameleon and love bomb to be so speshul for their new toy.

          • It was the same with the wine! They also started matching clothes. I asked him if he was a twelve year old on a first crush. Actually he’s an old fart hitting sixty. She was at school with our eldest and was looking for a ticket out of a ‘boring’ marriage.

            • yeah the drinking of the wine was about 4 years ago…I never caught on…I suspected when he made the ‘announcement ‘ about drinking wine now cuz it’s classier” He never ordered wine at a restaurant with me at dinner. Here’s one for you , after he passed I went to a psychic, first time ever, she was also a medium…she said he says”i miss drinking wine with you and our long talks” it blew me away. I knew then that she was real. I said are you sure he thinks its me sitting here? (I did not tell her about OW) and I think that she was spot on but that HE thought I was the HO. So that would make sense, he thought he was talking to Howorker. Also she said something about not saying goodbye…that would be correct, he never got to say goodbye to his whore! She thought she was being dumped when he did not text her I guess, explains why I deduced that it was HER sitting in a car outside my house cuz she was a freaked out BOLD whore that thought she’d been dumped. But what she did not know was he was home hospice dying. It must have come as a complete shock when she saw my cars in the driveway. She thought that he was going to marry her probably and then found out he was lying when she pulled up and saw my vehicle. I pieced it all together. Also ho ho has all my marital assets that he wasted on her and dissipated to hide for him. What a whore. No married man would be that stupid ! Give money to a howorker. But because he was a ‘great guy’ I know now he was just a disordered narcissist. I wonder if he fucked with her like he did to my mind….

              • He never ordered wine with me at dinner either, if i wanted to drink wine I had to order by the glass – which is why all the bottles of wine on the bar bill at the country club were a red flag. He immediately stopped drinking wine again after she dumped him for plan B (and there was also a c or maybe he was plan c) within a day of finding out that i owned the house outside marriage and they wouldn’t be getting any of it for their nest. It seems wuv wasn’t so twuw after all.

        • Ha! Narkles went through a wine phase too.
          I can laugh at it now but at the time I was just “OK, whatever. We’ll see how long this last.” Now I know he was just mirroring someone else. I know all those new, latest interests were just him mirroring someone else.

          • exactly ! mirroring is exactly what is happening. This makes him look like the greatest guy in the world because he is so much like HO (Ho is thinking) he is fun ! Adventures! has money! has a boat ! etc etc. and then ‘we; can go back to my beachhouse brothel and drink wine ! and fuck!

  • I still keep getting this – and through 3rd parties OWife keeps saying she “just wants to be friends” with me. I wouldn’t want to be friends with an uneducated, god-bothering bogan at the best of times but why on earth would I be friends with one who was and still is complicit in the emotional abuse of my children, never mind her clear arrogance and contempt towards me in imagining I would want to be friends with her. Get the same line from the Weasel, about being friends (as well as her being “so kind” ????) – and yes, in his case (and hers, I suspect) it really is just narcissistic cluelessness (although he is not averse to cruelty when he gets the chance). Just no, you morons!
    I think he is finally getting the message – although clearly they both feel very indignant about why I won’t just play along with the happy-clappy wonderfulness of it all. Not so good for image management, I guess. They deserve each other

    • they believe that if they can become “friends” it cancels out what they did as wrong. It legitimizes the bad behavior. Thus they don’t have to feel guilt. They hate guilt. They avoid it- they deny it.

      • Absolutely.OW3 once sent me a text telling me how bad my attitude was for the children(hello, they’re MY children, and I know more about them than you do)- we should all be friends despite 20 years of fucking around behind my back
        Both of them now seem to have genuine amnesia, as if they can’t remember the exciting events of only 3 years ago. My XH asked a mutual friend if it was true I didn’t like OW3.What is that supposed to mean? does he have brain damage or something?Why would I like her? Why would I like him?ARE THEY MENTAL?

  • The OW was a friend of mine. A term that I now use loosely – our kids were in preschool together, we had workout dates when the kiddies were in school & playdates after school. The more I got to know her, the more I realized the friendship wasn’t one that I wanted – she’s been through in-patient drug rehab (because out patient rehab is SOOOOOOO much better?), she was a recovering alcoholic, only married her hubby because he knocked her up. Being with her sent my mind in a complete tailspin because we were from completely opposite worlds, and we had NOTHING in common. Except my husband, as it turned out. She gave him herpes (I know, I keep coming back to that), and he married her. The train wreck that is his life is absolutely laughable. He so clearly traded down … so why does it still sting?? I’m sure it always will, but every year a little less.

    • So was she trying to be your friend while sleeping with your husband Triumph? That is so terribly low! What a disgusting lot they are! So glad you are free and moving towards better days.

      • When we lived in Kansas, there was a gal on the street who seemed so strangely eager to be my friend..she was pretty and educated and well spoken and seemed to go out of her way to interact with me. After we moved here, nowdeadcheater told me she propositioned him during our daughters play date

      • My douche was a walking wallet to her, so yes I do think that she targeted me to get close to him. She always wore yoga pants everywhere & tight tops (before it was the style, and she seriously looks like a 12 year old, so I wasn’t threatened by her at all). My mom had commented on her attire – yep, she befriends my mom, too – but I just shrugged because I didn’t JUDGE!! Haha, was I wrong. She lived in a lower income area & her hubby didn’t make much money. Not that mine made a ton, but we had a big house, he drove a flashy new car (mid-life crisis anyone??) & we were comfortable. I’m happy to say that I get a very large chunk of his income, and she has had to pick up more hours at work so that they can get by. AND I lost a cheater and gained a life!!!! ????

    • I hate to even say what happened with a woman I was chumped by with the stbxh cheater.

      She had some serious problems but I don’t care when people are my friends I support them.

      But a couple of times she asked me “what would you do if you found out your husband was cheating ” or “do you think your husband would cheat”
      Even though he had cheated of course I said no because I didn’t believe that he would continue to cheat on me. Omg so chumpy.

      One evening me and stbxh went out with her and another male friend of ours and went somewhere and had some dinner and then we came home because – four kids under eleven.

      I was in the kitchen with the other friend and my stbxh and my xgirlfriend were still not coming in and this was like 20/30 minutes later.

      I looked out the living room window and I saw her giving him a bj in his truck in front of God and everybody. Thank God the curtains were closed so the kids didn’t see it.

      That was 20 years ago and I am just now this week meeting with the divorce attorney.

      I really believed that he would want to get better and be a decent person but he didn’t do any of that. So glad to find the place where I can own my chumpyness and not feel so alone.

    • Maybe it hurts because we really believed that we knew our spouses?. They become family members. It’s similar to a discovery like you mother tried to sell you, or your father knocked up your nana. The shock of discovery that they are false.

  • Mine insisted OW is a really good person with strong character, who just “behaved badly…the worst she probably has behaved in her life.” And told me about how they talk frequently about how badly they feel about what they did and how wrong it was. AKA throwing a pity party for me, I guess!

    Disordered people boggle the mind and should have to live on their own island where they can’t harm empaths.

    • Apparently ex’s Schmoopie feels (or at least used to feel) guilty too. Not nearly guilty enough. Not that she really feels any guilt or shame for what she did, she is just worried about what others might thing of her. Makes her have to work a bit harder on the old image management thing.

  • I was told that he felt I did love him anymore and he was not getting enough attention. And I would not go away enough with him. The poor baby with all his needs not being met now wonder he cheated with my cousin.

    It seems all cheaters have the same excuses why they chose to cheat. Just pathetic.

    • Hard to dole out sexy attention when youre trying miserably while crying to be 2 parents to 3 very confused kids. Also hard to give attention to someone who isn’t home during waking hours. Luckily the married mother of 4 ow happily neglected her kids 24/7 to show the ATM, I mean boss, I mean my cheater how loyal she was. Yup, loyal was the word I heard a lot. And committed. And dedicated. Turns out she was loyal to a lot of men in various white collar jobs hoping one would pan $$$$$ out. Her teacher husband probably wasn’t giving her enough of everything either, poor thing. But since he’d been her om while she was married to his brother, he can go fuck himself.

    • Not go away with him. I heard that too. That was all he talked about. I was busy raising his kid. Really he just wanted me to go away with him, to where the ow conveniently lived,so it could raise his value in the eyes of the ow. I had no idea about any of it though. But how dare i not do my wifely duties!

      • In other words don’t ever let these monsters make you feel bad about anything. If you knew the truth about why they say the beyond stupid things they do you would realize its all about them. They are bottomless pits of f*cked up.

  • First cheater husband told me that the 18 yr old waitress he was caught boinking was more motherly than me….Oh really because she has experience as a single childless teen? Granted we were young parent’s, yearly twenties, but still at the time was one of the lowest blows I’ve ever received. He said this to me in spite after I caught him and kicked him out.
    Funny I hadn’t thought of that in years. And hadn’t thought about how my two ex husbands both cheated on me. They are both royal fuckwits. Thing is there was a six year gap between them and the men I dated in the interim were nice, good to me, and not narcissists or borderline personality disordered……hum.

      • Lol shame on you!!! How could you show that you care by preparing meals for him!!!
        More I read more I laugh… it’s all the same bs
        “ you were too caring/ not enough…. you wanted sex/ you didn’t want to have sex…. you didn’t greet me st the door(!)/ why are u smothering me….

        And we dance, trying to improve…
        Going rock solid brought me so much more time and energy lol I can focus on kids and myself…. feels good 🙂
        And yes, I’m also preparing lunches FOR MYSELF ????

  • Unfortunately his schoompie didn’t want to leave her husband for him and I sure as shit don’t want him back! So it’s Tinder kibbles, as the kid on Simpsons says , haha….

  • I heard it too ~ how I’d really like her and how she was such a good person. Bullshit, I said. Good people don’t fuck other people’s husbands who enter AA for treatment and then offer them a cottage to live in so they can abandon their families.

    Good people don’t belong on committees at their church and then ask God to give them a sign it’s okay to fuck another’s husband. Um… remember the 10 commandments? Like God is really gonna give her a pass that adultery is okay.

    Good people don’t sneak around period. Good people don’t need to sneak.

    No, we’re nothing alike. Looks wise, I am so happy about that too. If I looked like a has been circus clown I’d be worried… and no, I don’t look like a boy either. What is she 85 pounds soaking wet? LOL

    • The sign that it’s ok? A divorce decree or a separation agreement. Gods not subtle. He parts the sea, gives tablets with rules, writes a lot of books and seems pretty clear on the whole ‘don’t be a douche’ thing….

      • YES! God never advocates mortal sin as a way to be “happy.” he will NEVER send you someone else’s husband.

    • whore was on council board member at the catholic church for two years. Maybe the priest needs to know about his former council member boinking my husband? maybe Whore’s image needs to be revealed? what do you guys think? Should I do the

      • Yes, the priest should know, why not? A council member has a postion of trust and it’s been violated. She should never be allowed to hold a position with the church from now on.

        • Thank you Mitz
          her council position ended in 2010, but I would like to take this opportunity to let them know about their fine council member that they had for three years…..I think she deserves to have her name blasted..
          I stood outside the church Sunday, the one in her town, and waited tell the priest. He was in a deep conversation with someone. It was cold and windy. I gave up…but counting the days down to next Sunday…give me strength, I am going to tell the Priest.Also I have decided if I ever ‘date” anyone from her small town, I am going to tell her name to that person about what a Ho she is. I am hoping word will get around because it’s a small town and it will just be casually brought up in conversation LOL Payback is a bitch !!!

  • What is creepy is that in many ways, OW is like a younger version of me. It is like he is trying to recreate that stage of our relationship when we were in college or just out of college. No house, no kids, no real adult responsibilities. At first I was appalled that a 45 year old man would get involved with a 23 year old girl. Now, I realize she is perfect for him. They are both the same age maturity wise.

    The thing that differentiates us though is morals and integrity. And that is the reason I do not want to know her nor will I ever like her. Anyone willing to start screwing around with a married man with a family and while his wife is pregnant isn’t the kind of person I want near me. And yes, cheater gave me a line about how OW had nothing to do with him leaving and that she was a good person. Conversation ender, right there.

    • ALL this. I was also cheated on while pregnant with my second — and the OW is 8 years younger, and has freaking testified in legal documents and in-person testimony that she “just doesn’t understand” why we can’t be friends and that “it would be so great for the kids.”

      Yes, I’M the horrible person for not wanting to associate with the scum who are the reason I only see my kids 70% of the time.

      • Oh boy … ya, I got that special form of crazy too. They testified that they were all working together as co-parents (with her ex as well) and wanted to “welcome me into the co-parenting group”. I picture that as some sort of fucked up four-way gang bang. ???? no thanks!!!! The look on the judges face over that one as priceless. I really wish I had a camera, I wold have gotten her picture framed. So horrifying that you have to laugh at the absurdity, the audacity, the disgusting perverseness of these fuckwits.

    • yup, my ex completely re-created our life.
      MOW (now OWife) is 12 years younger than me, same stature, hair coloring, educational background, etc. When the affair started she was the same age I was when ex cheated on my the first time ! (I found this all out during the divorce). Now they have two kids, same sex and order as our two kids….. complete reboot.

      • When I was tracking the money during the divorce that he was spending out of his business (which was a marital asset) on her, I came across a receipt for Christmas stockings he bought for their first Christmas together. They were almost identical to the ones I bought the first year we were in our house. They are not right in the head.

      • My ex and his now OWife (formerly MOW) recreated our marital home in their new home, down to every detail, and even used the same decorator. I saw pics of their home on my decorator’s website, and I was like….WTF??? That’s MY house!!! Sick to the core!!!

  • I called the Whore a “whore” in front of him he said
    “No she’s not a whore”. She’s friendly, very up- I quess means happy all the time.

    I suppose I was none of those things after 34 years of living with a narc sociopath. She’s dead now anyway.
    He’s with another woman now so thankful I threw him out & divorced the cheater.

    So sad ???? wasted my youth on a reptilian of a man.

    • I heard the same “She was perky” line about my X’s gradwhore. I replied, “Yeah, like me when you first met me.” I’m not sure if X was insightful enough to draw the takeaway message that life with him had worn me down.

    • I actually received a letter from OW that began,”I am not a whore.” Although it now brings a smile to my face (delusional much?), at the time it nearly made my head explode. I should have sent it to her church-she is a notorious Jesus cheater. It probably wouldn’t have made much difference to her, though. She goes through churches like she does men, always searching for something better. Since there is a huge hole where her soul should be, I don’t think any church is going to save her.

    • I called the Whore a “whore” in front of him he said
      “No she’s not a whore”.

      Exactly the same, word for word, for me and for the XH.

      Kathleen, I don’t know about the whore in your life, but the whore that gave me my D day (I later found out there had been many other whores in XH’s life) has four teenagers by three different men and dresses like she was going to perform in Rio de Janeiro’s carnival samba schools.

      • HAHAHA. love that description! This ow dressed liked she had slept under a bush for several days – cargo pants, gross sandals, no makeup or hair care. We lived in a very cosmopolitain city and that was how she went to business meetings. Every photo I saw, she was wearing the same outfit. Over the span of a few years, the same clothes, every photo. You know in the athleta and LL bean catalogs how the women are so healthy and gorgeous and outdoorsy beautiful? Well imagine the older short ugly sister of those women who got lost in the woods and hadn’t showered for a while. That was his wheelhouse.

    • The Ex was having a conversation with the oldest child (when she was still speaking to him) when she referred to his OWife as a either a homewrecker, a whore or both. The Ex said he had decided in his head that the marriage was over so OWife really wasn’t a homewrecker or a whore and that’s not how he wanted his children to see her. My daughter said, “Fine. Tell me what you think I should call her. I can refer to her as a scheming, slimy slut. Would you like that better? But really, I can call her whatever you want; it won’t change who and what she is.”

      Calling a turd a hot dog doesn’t change the essence of the turd.

        • Chump Princess, hug your daughter. She is awesome.

          I called the OW whores at first, but then I realized something ——
          Whores have the good sense to charge $$$ for it.

          The OW/OM that we talk about here are too stoopid to charge and earn financial gain. They are merely cheap sluts who will sleep with anything with a slot.

          • OH no make no mistake they are whores. Especially when they are being lovebombed ad thinking they met the man of their dreams because he is pulling out all the stops to look like a great guy. Oh look at me, my wife is never around, she works far away from home, oh we are separated or whatever shit he tells the whore and she falls for it. All the while she is taking all that he pours out on her to make her feel special. That is a charge. A mistress is an expense. AND all your marital assets are being spent on that Whore. Let’s not kid ourselves..

              • how about texting on your knee on your left leg while driving? Could not stay away from whore, she texted constantly and was well in there with him. so much so she was able to get him to hide money with her…plotting much? I can just imagine how often she was down on HER knees for that manauever to materialize…..

  • CL, ” I’ am sure you’d really enjoy scrapebooking together.”
    You always choose perfect words of imagery!
    This hit home with me. I have, and do, do “scrapebooking” for my beautiful Grandchildren. I have, and I do, spend hours doing the actual photographing, categorizing, putting into books, and journaling, hundreds of precious family pictures.
    To the OW and the black horse she rode in on I would like to say, “Fuck you OW.” You know nothing of one single moment, of one single picture. And, yes, cheater did tell me that I would like her.
    NEVER! Even peacekeepers have morals, integrity and scruples.

    When I saw my young Grandchildren clutching their scrapebooks to their heart and lovingly share them with visitors attending their Dad’s funeral visitation, I never once thought of the OW.
    She was never there in their life. She is NOT in one family picture.
    CL, thank you so much for allowing me to say, “Fuck you, OW.”
    NO, I would NOT like the OW!
    ( and she is NOT like me)!

    “I took care of that crap, made sure we no longer had HIM in common.”
    You are Mighty!

    • Peacekeeper, that’s what a nana does. Loves her family and is there for them in times of need – not off screwing strange. And you’re right, she will never have that (and I sense that he gave all that up too). It’s his loss.

    • Peacekeeper–your warm heart and compassion will be the main things your children and grandchildren hold close to their chest, years after scrapbook pictures have faded.

    • Oh Peacekeeper, you are such a loving and warm soul, the image of your grandbabies clutching their scrapbooks, touched my heart so much. Yes, “fuck you, OW!!” She will never be one millionth of the person you are, Peacekeeper, and neither will your ex who didn’t appreciate what a treasure you are. I looked through some family photos with my son over the weekend, the first time we’ve done that in the years since our family imploded. It was a sweet and nostalgic moment and my thought at the time was that my ex gave up having anyone in his life to relive those sweet memories with, for what? Fucking strange? Oh well… *shrug* It was nice to know that I could appreciate the memories without even a hint of desire to return to that life or that marriage.

      • Beth, my ex did not ask for a single picture of his sons or even of his family (I was the curator of his family’s pictures, my MIL trusted me for that).

        I did a hurried job of cramming his family’s pictures together with all of the crap that he asked for, but did not include any pictures of my sons. And I am getting rid of all images of this jerk, doing your photoshop trick.

        • ClearWaters, my ex took only his pictures from college, nothing of our kids or his family. When I was going through the pictures before my son came over, I found the few photos we had of ex’s dad who died when ex was ten years old. Ex’s parents divorced when he was really young so my ex MIL doesn’t have any pictures of ex’s dad either other than the ones I found. I scanned them so that I have digital copies in case my kids want to see pictures of their grandfather someday, and I plan on sending ex the originals. What he does with them is his business. I’m going to organize, label and scan all of our family pictures too, which is why I had them out the other day, but Ex will not receive copies of those, digital or otherwise. It boggles the mind how little they value the memories that are so precious to us but then again, that devalue is part of what allows them to do what they did.

          I have the photoshopped wedding photo proudly displayed in my home office. I still smile every time I see it. 🙂

          • Beth, so with these jerks even when it comes to pictures it’s ALL about them. If I were on the other side, pictures of my family and children would be first on my list of things to divide.

            Going over wedding pictures I noticed that I am nearly always gazing at Sparkledick and he is always spreading his feather tails.

            I packed pictures of Sparkles’ family in his shit even though he didn’t ask for them because I would have thrown them out, I sure don’t want them, but in the Fukushima tsunami and the Goiânia radioactive disasters pictures were the only thing the victims missed. And I didn’t have the guts to trash them, specially since my MIL trusted me with them. I doubt Sparkles gives a shit, but I did my duty.

          • Beth
            Interesting that your ex lost his dad at ten, mine lost his mom at 10. The trauma and attachment problem was born then, my ex’s brother is a sociopath. I have no doubt about that trauma being a lot of what their revolving lives have been about. Pitiful.

      • Attie, Tempest, Beth,
        Thank you sweet ladies, so very much, for your kind words to me.
        CN, “hearts as big as the ocean”.
        I am truly blessed!

    • My ex’s OW was a hyena laugher as well. Funny it’s seems to be common, a mating call of fuckwits.

      OW was also fond of screeching “Oh my GAWD!” all the time in her loudest valley girl voice. As in, “Oh my GAWD!!! What a cosmic fucking coincidence we ran into each other at the same concert, Oh my GAWD!!”. Yeah, her and cheater ex were just coordinating double dates for themselves and their clueless spouses. Fun times. Those two narcbirds can have each other.

      • “Double dates” and “clueless spouses.” Can’t say how many of those I went on! But the real fun was when her husband didn’t come along, leaving me as the unsuspecting (sometimes suspecting) third wheel on so many occasions! Looking back…it’s quite depressing really. All those fun, family moments forever tainted…trips to the zoo, circus, photos with Santa. The list goes on and on.

      • Mating calls of fuckwits…..

        Doubled over in laughter.

        This is why I will never leave Chump Nation. There is no sorrow that can’t at least be soothed with wit and humor.

    • Interesting, my ex-wife’s AP laughs like a hyena too. More of a Barney Rubble kind of hyena though.

      • Back in the 1970s Mom’s best friend laughed like a hyena as well. Whenever my parents had parties, we kids could never sleep because of Mrs. Schneider’s cackling raucously all night long. Whenever I peeked downstairs, she was sitting up on the kitchen counter, surrounded by all the husbands, while the other wives sat sedately in the living, chatting quietly.

        What a shock it was when Dad married Mrs. Schneider. She continued to laugh like a hyena for over 40 years, but now it is beginning to wane since Dad is now 90 years old, no longer drives, is practically deaf, has digestive and dental issues, needs her to pull off his support socks every afternoon at 3pm…

        It has helped me immensely to see what lies ahead for my ExH and his Poopsie.

    • “Laughs like a hyena” — add Figment’s schmoopie to that list! Interestingly, whenever he was flipping through the channels and came across “The Nanny” with Fran Drescher, he’d stop, wave the remote toward the TV like a laser pointer, and *always* comment how he could not stand that show because of how she laughed. She laughed like a hyena. So imagine my surprise when I heard the OW laugh … she sounds *exactly* like Fran Drescher.

      Go figure.

      I am struck by all the really odd similarities in these OW/OM. It’s like they’re a replicating virus in the Matrix.

  • Well, I knew one of her prey since he coached my kid. I also lent him my car and gave him money. He was super!

  • I heard this. They were so much like me! I thought it was weird but i didn’t pay too much attention to it. Meanwhile the psycho ow was doing everything she could to morph into some version of me. I am not like her. And she is just some weird clone of me. And my x is a raging idiot.

    • OW morphing into you…..could it be she is being subject to triangulation from your ex dipshit? He may have bashed you at the beginning but for all you know he could be singing your praises at the moment trying to make OW feel “less than”…….rather common with these folks.

      • I was sorting out clothes one time for the charity shop. Ex asked what I was going to do with them and he asked if he could have them for OW – you know, kinda smarten her up a bit!!!!! He posted a photo of the two of them on FB in OUR campervan and my colleague said “oh she even looks like you”. So yeah, I guess he was looking for a clone!

  • Tinman was actually right on one count. In the very early days of our relationship (which started AFTER his relationship with his Ex-wife and he broke up!!!) he would badmouth the Ex and make her out to be the she-demon incarnate and a horrible no good terrible cheater. She was the most horrible, terrible, awful person. But later on he would slip in how much I would like her, how we agreed on this thing or that thing. Long story short he later on left me for the OW (that relationship started BEFORE he and I broke up!).

    So I took his advice, got a little drunk and FB messaged the Ex… and she is LOVELY!! Truly delightful and he is right, she and I do agree on a whole heap of things including the fact that he is deranged. Turns out he was the cheater in that relationship, but I came onto the scene when his previous Shmoopie freaked out that he had left his wife and exited stage left and he couldn’t be alone and “Lose” the breakup! So he lassoed me in. He didn’t know we talk. Funny thing, the two Shmoopies…. almost carbon copies of one another, and the Ex and I…. ALSO very very similar…. the dates that he took the Shmoopies on that he told each one of us ALL about (because deranged remember) were almost identical!

    He started saying that I would LOVE Shmoopie, that she is wonderful and if I would just get over everything and give her a chance I would think she was great. Turns out she is just as bad as he is. No I didn’t try to make friends with that one too…. I did call her when he went to jail though to try and convince her to help me by getting him to sign over my car (my car registered in his name) instead she convinced him to reclaim it to pay his legal bills… thanks Shmoopie! She is no good as far as I am concerned.

    So out of everything I am actually grateful to Tinman. Not only did he give me 2 beautiful amazing kids but he also inadvertently gave me one of my favourite friends.

  • I heard how we are different. But this was used to put me down and put me in my place. To show my failings as a wife and in my personality. To suck the fight out of me. To make me focus on what I’m lacking and give him reasons for why he was “forced” to do this. Reason #1 she’s sooo funny and amuses him. I was told I have no sense of humor.

    I think anything they say is diversion tactic. They use whatever they can to have no accountability. Who can resist an awesome person? Not him/her. And certainly not YOU! This person is awesome and you would agree too!
    Or in my case… who could blame him for seeking out someone that is clearly better than me? Its my fault. I should have tried harder to amuse him!

  • I got the “you would like her under other circumstances” from my sister in law. I’m no I don’t like women who f#ck other women’s husbands in their marital bed, cottage bed and Florida house bed!! Dirty pigs! Of course my ex said nothing because he managed to hide it all.

    • New Lady

      My x had a f*ck fest also in marital, cottage, and Florida bed. I kept the marital house, miss the cottage and have no intention of ever seeing the Florida house again. The similarities on this site never cease!

  • Glad I’m not the only one who’s fuckface did this. I was in shock, thinking “are you really fucking saying this to me!”

    “She’s really smart, she speaks 5 languages” Yeah, most people from Europe do. Doesn’t make her smart.

    “She wants to go to medical school” Yeah, aren’t all strippers studying to become doctors? Better tip her extra well so she can pay that fantasy tuition!

    “She’s traveled the US more than I have. She’s adventurous.” Wow, traveling the U.S off of men’s money that pays for suites at the Ritz (yes he paid for that.. idiot), sounds like an adventure!
    Fact no one really wants to know: apparently strippers do travel around to different strip clubs.

    “You’d really like her. She has really great self-esteem.” Yeah, it must take great self-esteem to dance naked for money and be an object and not a person.

    “She’ll (insert sexual act), and you won’t.” Oh gee, sorry my sexual boundaries aren’t in line with a sex workers! Douche!

    I know more about the life of strippers than I ever wanted to know!

    • Apparently strippers do travel around to different strip clubs. That is hilarious…wow she must be a super famous stripper! The most super famous traveling stripper is still a stripper.

      • Well her name IS everywhere ….. Barbie. How original ….SMH

        If Kuntie Kibbler wasn’t already taken I’d nominate that name!

    • Oh wow, Got-a, here I was thinking to myself, “I never got that ‘you’d like her’ nonsense since ex was into strippers but apparently that wasn’t the case with you. Just wow. A new low. I’m also laughing hysterically because I guess my ex’s stripper OW (who is not the former(?) stripper/convicted felon he is currently living with and engaged to) qualifies for the “well traveled” medal as well since he took her to St. Louis on a business trip. I mean… I’m sure St. Louis is a perfectly nice town but I never felt a burning desire to vacation there. 😀

      • Wow! Traveling with a convicted felon? that’s some Lifetime Movie Waiting to happen.

        Is your ex related to Copernicus?

        • Oh no, the convicted felon is the current stripper fiance, not the former OW – two different strippers. 😀 The felon fiance is still on probation so their wedding in Jamaica is on hold until she is able to travel outside the country. Can I just tell you how much this all amuses me? It is just like a Lifetime movie and what makes it even funnier is that the felon fiance would think that’s really cool. Hahahahahahahaha.

          • Talk about hedging your bets. He’s keeping the dream of a destination wedding dangling… not because he cares. It’s so that he doesn’t end up married again… because what REALLY are the chances that she doesn’t end up in lock up again? You know she’s one night of drinking and bad tips away from hair pulling and vandalism. Seriously.

          • Beth, canI just tell you how hysterical I find the name “felon fiance”. Right up there with KK and the rider of the purple dildo.
            What a cast of characters these yahoos make…

  • After OM #1, I heard, “He looks a lot like you.” Like that makes it any better. Does it make it any less of an affair if the OM looks like you? I think the answer would be a unanimous “NO!”

    Before/during OM #2 (I think before but don’t know for sure….I saw affair #2 coming for a while), I was asked to introduce myself to OM #2. “He’s a really good friend of mine.” I didn’t know him but knew who he was. For the record, he looks nothing like me, he’s 17 years older, and apparently is OK with cheating on his own wife. Sorry, he doesn’t sound like the type of person I would want to get to know better.

  • You know you’ve been truly and completely replaced when you hear this:

    “You don’t have to worry about our kids. She’s sssooooo good with the baby, and little Sally loves her too. Honestly, you should try to get to know her a little better.”

  • For me, any way a cheater defends an AP for any reason is total BS, just like any way a cheater defends him/herself is total BS. A thing is what it is, and it isn’t something else. That’s the beauty of the UBT.

    You didn’t mean to hurt me? Ok, but that doesn’t matter, Cheater, because you clearly didn’t intend to do everything in your power to avoid harming me, either. Had you beeen concerned about my well being, you would not have been willing to deceive or betray me. Whether you intentionally harmed me isn’t relevant. Whether you could have easily avoided harming me, that’s the issue.

    It was a mistake, Cheater? A conscious choice to do a thing you are so keenly aware is harmful that you deliberately deceive to avoid discovery is not a mistake. A mistake happens when you are unaware of the magnitude of a choice you make or you stumble into something completely as a mishap. It takes a lot of effort to have consemsual sexual contact. You don’t step on a Lego and fall over and start accidentally making out. It’s not necessary to hide sex unless you know it’s a problem that you’re having it. Sexual contact, whether verbal or physical, can’t be a mistake because it’s a choice.

    It’s not her fault, it’s yours, Cheater? Really, did you rape her? Did you compel her at gunpoint to get her to have sex? Did you blackmail her to coerce her to have sex? Did you pull a Cosby and have sex with her unconscious body? Did you tell her you were single and betray and decieve her to get what you wanted from her? Is she a child? If none of those things are true, then the AP is responsible for her own choices and she is fully culpable right alongside you.

    She’s right for you and everyone deserves to be happy so I should be happy for you? Really, Cheater, then what thing shall I do that you would find super harmful that would make me happy? Show PI’s photos of you and your AP having sex to your colleagues and your AP’s colleagues and all of our mutual friends? Take all joint money from the bank and give it to a third party to hold for me until we are divorced? Tell the media what you have been doing if you are a public figure so strangers can have a field day watching you live a train wreck and ruining your reputation? Take everything in the divorce and leave you penniless and live a single life of luxury? Because, hey, you want me to be happy, don’t you? And if those things would make me happy, you should be happy for me.

    Capping the BS list is the gem in this article, which CL addresses so well today. Still, all these lesser forms are just as ludicrous. It’s completely absurd to suggest that a chump should see cheating in a positive light for any reason. The mere suggestion deserves no better than a derisive snort and a cold shoulder, and keeping it that cool is being generous.

    • Amiisfree,
      Just reading posts as missed many yesterday. Your’s is brilliant, as usual.
      “Sexual contact, whether verbal or physical, can’t be a mistake, because it’s a choice.”
      Everything you said is spot on, but this statement jumped out at me.
      Exactly, that first time they both take off their clothes, ( well, of course, he would take off her’s), and his privates fall into her privates, well, that is no mistake, (accident)!
      Exactly, those word, NO MISTAKE, (ACCIDENT) on either of their “parts”.
      You are right, Amiisfree, there are certainly no positive lights to be found in cheating!

    • Spot on, Amiis free. My serial cheater ex (unbeknownst to me until 25 years and 2 kids into the marriage) referred to his multiple affairs, deceipt, and debauchery as “what happened.” Like it was some natural disaster….some accidental or random thing over which he had no control or restraint. I especially hated it when he used that term when talking wtih my kids. Who DOES that???

  • “She is a soft spot for me to land.”
    This was said to to me after I discovered my husband of 26 years was talking to the OW everday.

    • When I read that, I almost felt bad for his OW. Almost, but not really.

      Nice of her to be the back up. Do ya’ think she knows? Prolly not.

      I’m sorry you had to deal with that moron.

  • Sigh. It is worse when the fuckwit tells the kids how great their replacement is going to be.

    10 years ago with OW#1, my fuckwit asked his 13-yr old daughter if she would like to have a little sister, and said the name of the 4-year old girl of the never-married OW who they knew and had babysat for. At this point our daughters were 13 and 15 and were just so boring and not adequate kibble dispensers but that little 4 YO girl was just the perfect size. What a great replacement family! They would really like her and the OW! Much better than the wife appliance.

    My now-23 and 25 YO daughters are disgusted by him now that he totally poofed for a new 26 YO ho-worker and have told him so. Apparently this new OW has a kid, too.

    • When a man walks out on his wife, he also walks out on his family if he has one. Kids feel that, especially when he doesn’t even use most of the parenting time he was allocated

      My cheater not only left me and the kids, he also left behind 2 dogs he insisted we get. He then bought a new puppy with OW and keeps sending the kids pictures of the puppy. He is clueless in that he is just reinforcing that his family is replaceable. I have a feeling, next up will be a pregnant OW and he will think that child and the kids won’t be able to resist a baby. It is all about manipulation and disregard of their feelings.

      • My 7 year old daughter cried to me once “He didn’t just leave you, he left me too!” That said, he is still in her life EOW. But she knows he willingly signed up for that.

        Our divorce was final in Feb. His girlfriend is expecting their child in April. My daughter can’t wait to meet the OW! She wants to see the inside of her house! She sounds fun! I asked her why she thinks the OW sounds fun? What does she know about her? Her answer was nothing. She thinks she HAS to like the OW and accept the new baby to make her dad happy. What a setup for future emotional issues.

  • Before Dday my husband started casually mentioning things about going to new places he was going to. He would come home from work (2 hours late) and say he tried this new gas station, or grocery store, or car wash etc. these places were all in an adjoining town where schmoopies mom lived and she had to stop and get her kids there. These places are all in the totally opposite direction of our house. Then he graduated to “accidentally “ calling our cat by her cats name and telling me little hint hint stories about this really cute blonde at the eyeglass store who helped him pick out his new eyeglasses or this cute blonde who told him to try some new product fron the grocery store. But he never mentioned her by name to me. Even after Dday i have never heard him say her name. Just how nice she is and how much her two kids think he is the greatest thing ever and all that bullshit.

    • Her two kids thing he is great. I wouldn’t be too sure. I asked ex what Schmoopies five kids thought of all of this. He said they understood. Hear a rumor the other day (several times removed so I suppose it could be false) that her oldest still at home did not take his parent’s divorce well and was doing drugs. That doesn’t sound so ok with it all to me.

      Now I am also in the awkward position of not knowing if I should say something or not if the rumor is true and the parents don’t know. It isn’t really my business but if something bad happened to him I would feel responsible. He seems like a sweet kid.

    • WW-
      I noticed something similar…mentioning things related to OW without explicitly mentioning OW. Not sure why. Maybe he felt less guilty because it felt like he was telling me? Maybe the duplicity was a kick? Maybe both? Besides this, there was all the ridiculous “you’d like her” bs. What an idiot!

  • Skankboy never said this to me. My Dday was swift. He knew better than to talk that day! I’m sure the look I gave him knocked him into another time zone. That was the only day I thought, “what a smart man!”

  • I heard that, too… The only thing I like about Schmoopie is that she unburdened me of a serious dead weight! Bless her little heart. I know what her future will be. That’s the silver lining to my having survived the shit-show with Fuckwit. He quickly found someone else to take my place. He’s still an ass and treats her just like he treated me… Not the catch she thought she was getting, I’m sure. SO glad I’m free!!!

  • Arsewipe has not tried that on me but told my daughters 20 and 17 they’d really like OW if they met her. Suppose at 26 she is much nearer their age!!
    He tells me it’s unfair to compare us as they have fun together- they go afternoon drinking!! Match made in heaven

    • My ex and Schmoopie are both 49 but emotionally they are still in high school. I worry that my high school senior daughter may be taken in by their sparkles as she is emotionally the same age. I want to make sure she has a chance to mature into a full adult someday. Oh well, she is going away to college next year so hopefully that will save her.

  • I am currently getting an interesting twist on this theme–a friend of mine is trying to convince me that my X’s AP/GF is a good egg.

    My DD17, after 3 years of NC with her cheater father, has gotten back in touch with him and visits him 2 nights a week. After Hannibal had his AP/GF fish for information from a friend of mine (as I am NC with him), the friend tried to convince me that I should talk to the GF about the trouble my daughter has been getting in, as she will be more reasonable than Hannibal himself.

    In what universe am I going to discuss parenting with a woman who was sleeping with my then-husband, and broke up her own family with two children to be with Hannibal? Boggles the mind that my ‘friend’ would even suggest this.

  • I probably posted the same last time this column ran…yep I got the “The funny thing is you and him would get along your very alike”

    This was a guy who:-

    – Was on his 2nd affair
    – His mother In law had just died
    – His father in law had just been told he had a terminal illness
    – Was prepared to break up my family
    – A liar
    – A cheat

    He died in a plane crash soon after D-Day, a year later his widow killed herself. Just very sad, but no he wasn’t like me.

  • “Well DONE, Forsythe! You really bagged a gem there!”

    Ha!! A distant relative from Ireland once met my now-XW. In his thick brogue, he said, “She’s a fuckin’ gem!”

    With my now-deep understanding of sparkles, I get it, just not in the way that he meant.

    All that glitters is not gold.

  • I cringe from head to toe about this topic. (Is it possible for fingernails to cringe?? Mine do.) When we were “reconciling” after D-day, I looked up the OW online and afterward told ex she seemed like someone I’d be friends with. I was desperately trying to re-establish a bond so we could talk openly and honestly about what happened. (Translation: I always talked openly and honestly, and I was doing the pick-me dance to get him to reciprocate.) I’m sure he told the OW about my statement to goad her into dancing pretty for him, and they clucked about how unfortunate but totally inevitable the whole situation was.

    Of all the pathetic things I said and did after D-day, for some reason I find this to be among the most humiliating because I ate the shit sandwich while he watched on, to his great satisfaction. Luckily I found Chump Lady not long after and wised up and told him to fuck off. That felt much better. And no, I wouldn’t be friends with the OW. She’s a giant steaming turd of a human, just like my ex, and neither of them are friend material, let alone spouse material.

    • It’s one of the many incongruent arguments that they make:

      I need someone different from you because you don’t fulfill me, but the person I found is someone you would like and befriend–and is actually LIKE you in many ways.

      She never said that your ex was like me or that I’d like him, but I do know that he and I share some personality traits.

      She sucks, totally. I talked with family about her recent decisions, and they rolled their eyes. Some of their reactions:

      “It’s all about her, all the time.”
      “I see she still hasn’t learned responsibility.”
      “I didn’t see it when you were married, but she really IS spoiled, huh?”
      “That’s not a real job.” And…
      “With that name, that baby needs a leg up in life; looks like she’s not going to get it.”

    • “Luckily I found Chump Lady not long after and wised up and told him to fuck off. That felt much better. ”

      Ding ding ding!! It DOES feel much better to tell these cheaters to fuck off. Spread the word.

    • Free Vix – You did what you had to do. Cowards would have crumbled but you fought for the marriage you had signed up for. I cyber stalked the AP trying to “get it.” Why her? What’s wrong with me? I pick-me-fucked my way back into his heart. It was the hardest thing I have ever done, voluntarily eating that shit sandwich every single day and prostituting my dignity to win him back. I did it for my marriage, and I especially did it for my little ones. But I was a misinformed hero. The RIC helped me believe my efforts could work. And it would have been worth it if he had been worth it. But I learned the hard way who I had fought for and “won.” It would take 3 more years for Dday 2 to come, and the true depth of his suckitude to be revealed. I know now, thanks to CL, that I should have thrown him out on Dday 1, but I try to be grateful that Dday 2 came at 11 years of marriage instead of 21 or 31. I now understand I didn’t win him back, he just didn’t have the balls to leave me the first time he was caught. You are my hero for doing what you needed to do to assess the damage, then finding CL and tellimg him to fuck off.

  • My father passed away 9 days ago.
    In all the drama of his illness and leading up to his death I would occasionally hear from my ex who would leave me a message or a text letting me know my father was in his thoughts. ( #impressionmanagment)
    When my dad passed last week I got a condolence text from his mistress stating that she was sorry for my loss and assuring me that the pain would get easier.
    Here’s the part I’m not proud of….
    Through my tears I was like “wtf????”
    Texted my sister who replied “ I thought it was customary to apologize for having an affair with your husband before offering condolences on your deceased father.
    Guess not.”
    Had I not been a bit out of my head I never would of done this. I’m great at”polite business” conversation only when necessary……that being said, I called him and went off my grief stricken rails about how inappropriate it was. He did nothing but defend that she was a great person just trying to be kind and that if I wasn’t “crazy” and if I was “over him” I would “like her”, then SHE got on the phone and proceeded to scream that I obviously hadn’t moved on. Why did she get on the phone? Because I was unaware I was on speaker phone so she could listen. Who does that??? An asshole, that’s who.
    I don’t know how calling out shitty behavior means Ive not moved on…..whatever.
    My son said “congrats mom….you took the bait. This is chapter 1 in his playbook.”
    My child was correct.
    I don’t know what possessed me to do anything other than ignore them.
    So, no….I don’t like her. No, I won’t like her. No, I will no longer even be polite.
    Watch me no contact now! It’ll be like I’ve entered witness protection.

    • Paintwindow
      I’m so sorry for your loss. I almost screamed with anger for that telephone call & the nerve of whore saying those things to you! Your ex is a disgusting cheating dirtbag!

      Stay away from these toxic low class people & free your mind & heart. I experienced similar things during the devaluation & I know the pain.

      Take care of yourself & your mental, physical self.
      You are the most important person now.

      Fuck both of them.. they are sick individuals!!

      Bless you. ❤️

    • I’m so sorry for your loss, Paintwidow. I can understand your reaction: you were literally grief stricken and weren’t thinking clearly. Now it’s over and you’re back on track. And fuck them both for trying to use your grief to their advantage. {{{hugs}}}

      P.S. That’s a smart kid you’ve got there. He’s a keeper. 🙂

    • Great big hugs, Paintwindow. I am so sorry. Isn’t that just so typical of a narcissistic cheater, sweeping in at the most vulnerable time for you, and heaping abuse and cruelty on top of your grief? Textbook.

      They are truly evil.

      Seems like they richly deserve each other. Just know with characters so deficient, they will also provide each other’s karma. It is inevitable.

    • Paintwidow–so sorry to hear about your father’s passing, and the ensuing mindfuckery from OW. I certainly don’t credit cheaters or OW with a conscience (in 99% of cases), but I do think they know society frowns on what they’ve done. Hence the scramble to chalk up a lot of “good” acts to compensate (like offering you condolences).

      What they don’t realize is a stack of good acts from the North Pole to the Equator will never compensate for what they did to victimize us and their own children.

    • Paintwidow I’m so sorry about your father. You have every right to be enraged by all of it. Every single thing these monsters do is intentional and heartless and meant to cause pain. Don’t let them make you feel bad for responding like an actual grieving human. What they think or say has zero meaning. They are scum and they know it.

      • You hadn’t moved on? Sounds like that ow is more worried about you stealing away her trophy. Paintwidow that’s what its all about with these idiots. Even more than impression management. They all live in fear of someone stealing their toys. They all spew the same cliches. Its all about fear. You are so much stronger than her. Don’t think for a second you’re not!

        • And paintwidow your x knew that it would upset you. Thats what he wanted. So he could say shes not over me. It ups his value to the ow. None of it had anything to do with kindness or compassion for you. Please don’t allow them to make you feel like you are not gracious. How dare they take advantage of your grief to play their stupid games. I am so sorry that happened to you.

          • Thanks guys.
            I’m constantly amazed by these idiots.
            Only those here will understand how hard I’m kicking myself over this.
            He started gushing over how great she was and how ungrateful for the gesture I was and a red must came over me.
            Ugh….resetting my “days without incident” back to zero.

            • He knows she’s garbage. No normal person would ever respond the way your x did. Its kinda like this, if your garbage bag breaks and garbage gets all over your pretty new shoes you are probably going to let a few words fly. But no one is going to feel bad for the garbage.

            • They could make a preacher swear. Sometimes their behavior is so insanely self centered that we just snap. I did when my ex told me that his affair would make our life more vibrant. Or when he told me that our kids are nauseated by my new relationship, and will never, ever have any relationship with my new partner, and that he would see to that. I responded that ‘nausea’ was what his 3 year affair caused, not my actions after our separation. I haven’t bit since.

    • I am sending condolences and hugs to you Paintwidow on the loss of your father. Your Ex and the OW are pissing mole rats from hell and your upset and emotional response are completely understandable. The OW is neither friend nor family; she was all the way out of order to have communicated with you in any way. Bitch (and really, that’s an insult to bitches everywhere). Allow me to despise those two hyenas on your behalf while you grief your loss.

      • Well said. I will second all of that. She had no business contacting the victim of her crimes let alone offing fake condolences at a time of grief.

    • ((((((Paintwidow))))),
      I send hugs and caring thoughts to you on the sad loss of your Dad.
      When a person is dealing with the illness and the personal loss of a loved one we tend to give, and to draw strength, from those who have meaning in our life, others whom we love deeply, well we help each other through the loss. We stick together.
      A cheater and the OW have no place in this tight circle of support.
      You were exhausted and hurt by their actions. You did nothing wrong.
      Stay Mighty Paintwidow, leave them in your rear view mirror, tiny specs of dirt that they are!

      • ❤️❤️❤️❤️
        Thank you all for your kind thoughts and helping me work through what was a colossal misstep on my part.
        Lesson learned.

        • What you did was understandable. Don’t beat yourself up about it. My dad passed three months into the divorce process. I remained no contact by not allowing ex or family to attend. Not only did my adult sons NOT receive any cards or calls of sympathy on the loss of their grandfather from the ex side of the family, the ex actually made derogatory comments about him to my sons.

          • Paintwidow, so sorry for the loss of your father. I never cease to be amazed at the depths to which these “people” will sink to “image manage.” But then again, why should any of us be surprised? We, of all people, know who and what they are. Even when I was still married to ex, I used to sometimes marvel at the things he would say via his twisted “logic.” Don’t be too hard on yourself….you responded like a NORMAL, feeling human being, and all of these “exes” and “others” clearly are neither normal or feeling. Sending hugs and prayers for your peace.

    • Paintwidow, I’m so sorry for your loss. You need actual support from those who love you, not a couple of jackals. Fuck those two irrelevant ding dongs.

  • Yeah, that line came right after the ILYBINILWY line. (Straight out of the narcissistic cheater handbook.) I sat and listened in shock as it was the first inkling I had of his affair. He touted her virtues, and her need to have big strong him take of poor little fragile her. When he started to tell me her problems and wanted me to help problem solve, my anger shook me out of my fog, and I told him if she was so great, why wasn’t he there with her……..No answer.

    He actually engineered us meeting in a public manner that was meant to humiliate me, and to prove to an audience how superior to me she was. It was an Alanon meeting, that I was chairing that week, where everyone knew we were married. They put on quite a show. I put on my big girl panties and calmly chaired the damn meeting while ignoring them.

    Afterwards I spent a few minutes in the bathroom crying. Then I pulled myself together, splashed some cold water on my face and went out to lower the boom. Walked by them saying their good-byes got in the car, and when he got in, told fuckwit we were going home to pack his shit…… you want her, you got her, asshole. He was all, wait a minute, wait a minute, you have to give me time to make up my mind. I said fine, you have three days.

    You all know what happened, he picked me and kept the affair with her going. He just got sneakier.

    As for schmoopie, not much to look at, the morals of a whore, and just as sociopathic as cheater ex. She was screwing her way through AA trying to get to the most solvent guy she could snag. Once she sucked all the money she could get out of cheater ex she dumped him….and told him why, he wasn’t making enough money to suit her.

    Aww poor ex, here he thought it was tru luv. I almost felt sorry for him…. almost.

  • It isn’t a huge surprise that certain surface aspects of partners and affair partners are similar. Shallow people choose based on which shiny objects look appealing at the time. That’s why they casually categorize people into types so easily.

    The reality, though, is that you (and I, the chumps) are fundamentally different from people who are that pathologically deceptive. Your cores won’t ever match up.

  • Two of the three (that I know who they are). Look alot like me. The one thing all three of them had in common is they were all three single moms in bad economic situations with more than one child all from different men. All three were looking for a father figure for their kids (my opinion) and a knight in shining armor. When we were a married couple we were solid middle class with no children

  • OMG! This x1000 ????????????????????????????????If I had a dollar for every time X said this in the past 3 years I would be rich! Shame on me for not going NC sooner. I control me now.

    X has literally harassed our KIDS with this bs too! So bad that their therapist interceded and tried to enforce boundaries. It hasn’t worked— the old “no one is the boss of me” syndrome. Of course, said with a scowl and a stomp of his hoof like the 2 year old he is.

    Fuck him. I’m so glad to be rid of that abuse.

    No contact is the only path to peace and truth and justice. Carry on……meh is wonderful!

  • He told me when he confessed to sleeping with her one time (unknown to me it was actually several times at this point, plus a secret emotional affair for several months)… in that moment he did NOT apologize to me but he remarked that he was sorry that he hurt her.

    WTF?!?! Dude… I’m your WIFE, the MOTHER of your babies who were only 2 & 4 at the time of this news…


    • Ah, the “one time”. Raise of hands- how many were told it was “one time”. Mine eventually was revealed as 6 months- maybe longer- I stopped asking questions- peace and quiet is better.

      • I didn’t ask questions, it was fully revealed on my daughter’s tablet (that he bought and connected to his phone) from Google Memories. He was taking selfie vidoes and texting them to her at 2am while I slept upstairs with the kids and took care of everything… Found a video he took of her screaming that she wanted to suck his dick… multiple dick pics… He was sufficiently embarrassed when I confronted him with the information on the tablet. I just wish the rest of the world really knew what special kind of asshole he is, along with his delusional parents who are the exact same.

        Off the lawyer in the morning because he moved his ass back into the house last night and because we both own it I can’t do anything without legal direction… UGH!

      • I didn’t ask questions, it was fully revealed on my daughter’s tablet (that he bought and connected to his phone) from Google Memories. He was taking selfie vidoes and texting them to her at 2am while I slept upstairs with the kids and took care of everything… Found a video he took of her screaming that she wanted to suck his dick… multiple dick pics… He was sufficiently embarrassed when I confronted him with the information on the tablet. I just wish everyone else really knew who he is, along with his delusional parents.

        Off the lawyer in the morning because he moved his ass back into the house last night and because we both own it I can’t do anything without legal direction… UGH!

      • It’s like the proverbial “I only had one beer Officer”. “I only stuck my dick in another woman ONCE!” Smh. Such losers!!!!

        • yeah like they’re gonna turn down a second time kuntie kibbles offers it on a platter….yeah, okkkkkayyy

    • woolwasovermyeyes,
      Unbelievable, I totally understand your feelings.
      Cheater said he needed a divorce, it wouldn’t be fair to just live with OW, he would have to marry her.
      On DDay, I froze.
      What about me, the pregnant wife and the tiny child?
      What exactly would be fair to us?

      I sure hope that things go well with your lawyer.
      You really already are Mighty.
      Go to the forums with specific questions. There are dynamite Chumps there with answers to all your questions.
      Genuine, caring Chumps, with hearts as big as the ocean will reach out to you.
      Don’t worry about the inlaws and any Switzerland friends. It doesn’t matter what they think.
      You know the truth.
      Stay the course, stay Mighty!

      • Peacekeeper, this makes me cry that you and your babes were treated so heinously.

      • Peacekeeper,

        Thank you for your words.

        I paid for the separation agreement to be drafted yesterday. Officially have zero money until payday next week, but I have wonderful parents who will help support this financially until the house can be sold. I’d be lost without them.

        Thankfully no mutual Switzerland friends, but just the fake façade of being a “good dad” which he is not.

        Unless I want to go and fight in court I cannot do anything about his ass being in the house, but believe me, I’m not doing him any favours or extending any more conversation than what is necessary.

  • I didn’t get the “you’d love him if you knew him” speech (as I already knew the guy), but I did get the “he is so awesome, I love him so much” thing. She would say all the time “I wonder to myself, is this real?” As in, “is this really the one special relationship for my whole life?”
    Why the #@&* do they think we want to hear these things?

    I never answered, though I should’ve said something like “As real as someone taking a vow in a church to be faithful forever?”

    • It’s 100% delusion. They are like that in the beginning but then it wears off. OM will learn how cold blooded she is.

      • Yes, that’s what happened with my ex-fiancé. She’s been married and dumped several times since my brush with evil and I am so thankful I was delivered from a fate worse than death. I wasn’t thankful at the time, but I’m overjoyed now.

      • Zell, she got hit with the karma stick pretty bad. It turns out OM was even more of a slimeball than she was. She thought he was going to move in with her; he had given her this “sad sausage” tale about how he was stuck still living with his awful ex-wife because there weren’t any apartments nearby available. (Just FYI, we live in a small metro with several colleges, there are OODLES of apartments available, but I digress). Once she ditched me and was in her own place, he told her that umm, he actually was still married, and moreover, he had no plans on leaving his own wife.
        Ohhhhh, that’s rough.

  • CL: ‘The minute your cheater starts playing compare and contrast to their fuckbuddy? You’re DONE. The conversation is OVER.’ Wish that I had fully realized this.

    Husband told me that I would like his AP and she was a lot like me. OK–she had the same hair color and had studied psychology in grad school (she had worked as a psychotherapist!). However, she had multiple DUIs and multiple affairs with married men, even trying to get my husband to impregnate her.

    Fast forward a few years, post-separation boyfriend was giddy telling me about my replacement after I discovered that I had been replaced and even (I’m a Super Chump) congratulated him on getting together with her (a hot five minutes after he discarded me). (I’ll never know whether he physically cheated on me. Timeline is blurry, and I don’t know exactly what he was doing at the office all those hours he spent there–with my replacement!) He didn’t compare me to her. I’m sure that he thought that she was way better than me and would provide much more fun, money, youth than me. He probably is having much more fun with her and getting ready to marry her if he hasn’t already.

    CL said, ‘This is not the Hunger Games.’ Sure felt like it, though. And I was one of the reluctant combatants that kept getting brutally killed over and over again by other combatants.

    • My ex said the AP is an amaaazing person and I would agree if I got to know her. She was a divorce lawyer getting a divorce from a divorce lawyer, fucking a man with a devoted wife and two young children, so no, I’m going to have to call bullshit on that assessment.

      • Here are the qualities about her that he bragged to me:
        *They are in the same profession so she understands his work
        *Unlike me, she will listen to his work stories
        *She likes the same kind of music he likes

        After more inquiry I learned that
        *they didn’t use condoms because she is ‘not that kind of person’
        *they didn’t discuss pregnancy prevention options
        *for my ex, having sex almost daily (between being with her and being with me) makes him happy and a more productive person at work
        *she is self-sacrifing: she thinks if he has the chance to save his marriage he should try
        *he loooooves her and he doesn’t think it’s fair he has to give her up
        *he doesn’t want to hurt her feelings, if only his wife would agree to polyamory. (Honey, you are confusing cheating with polyamory, and I doubt Ms. divorce lawyer is going to agree that arrangement either)

        According to her
        *He has ruined her for all men

        I hate myself for taking him back. But luckily I got a post-nup in place and we are divorced now.

        • GorillaP,
          What horrendous behavior on the part of your ex and his AP–to rub your loyal spouse’s nose in it gets into the sheer cruelty zone!

          • my husband received a Christmas card while he was dying, addressed to him only, from the nasty friend and his slut wife, this was the nasty friend that introduced my cheater to the whore. The card said ‘i’m glad you found love and happiness’
            they did not think I would find the card, they did not know he was dying. This couple was in collusion because her ugly husband /my husband friend, wanted to get him with this whore, and they hooked cheater and whore up…and once I found the emails between this male friend of cheater I saw him writing ‘I knew that she would ‘pleasure’ you” “I knew that it would be a great fit, you have the same schooling’ “I knew that she (the whore) would be great for you” !!!!! Can you imagine this male friend/backstabber/fuckwit writing an email to my husband/cheater (and him saving the email) with the BIG WHORE copied in to all correspondence between the two men…so the BIG WHORE could see what the two men were saying about her ????? wow just wow. Now if that is not the company madam, getting to see what two men are saying about you, I don’t know what is…the levels of duping are just off the charts…It proves my husband was a disordered narcissist fuckwit. I can only imagine that whore is laughing all the way to the ‘bank; (even though I don’t give a crap about money, I just don’t want whore to have it ) and loving that she duped me/ the chump…what a notch on that pig’s belt !

        • JAMF also mentioned cocksocket wasn’t “that type” either. (So I’m sure no condoms) Said something to the effect of it must be great working with the 40 other dudes she fucked in the shop. Verified by numerous other co-workers of theirs that she was the shop pass around tramp.

          Yeah, we’re really simular, fruit loop.

          • And let me add that JAMF has since married cocksocket. He lives/works here, she lives/works 2+ hours away in NYC. I’m sure she’s sampling all the dick there, too. Those two are just perfect together. ????????????????????????

  • I got this line too from Whoreface. When I caught them texting, he called me stupid and an idiot for thinking they did anything. After I broke into her email and found the truth, and printed said truth and gave it to his wife, the name calling seemed to cease.

    No, I would not like that heaping pile of entitled excrement…

  • My cheater has yet to meet a long -term replacement for me but has had plenty of one-night/one lunch break encounters with women he claims are just “wives and moms just like you.” No, they have more in common with HIM- selfish, narcissistic, willing to risk their families for cheap thrills, unwilling to put energy and effort into their marriage because it’s all going elsewhere, short-sighted, enjoy using people, and can lie with unbelievable skill. Y’all enjoy each other.

    • Scaredandconfused,
      You reminded me of something I had forgotten–my ex-boyfriend told me that he would ‘go public’ (reveal to his colleagues) his intimate relationship with my replacement, his work subordinate, if ‘things get serious.’ The discard might have hurt me a tad bit less if he had said, ‘Sorry RSW–I’ve met the love of my life, so I MUST leave you this second (to attain my destiny)!’ Not something more akin to, ‘RSW, I want to run around and can’t wait to be FREEEEE of you! WHEEEE!’ 13-year-old emotional mind in a half-century-year-old body! Cheaters/liars: ‘Compassion? What’s that? Oh that thing I fake to get what I want?’

  • I DID know both of the OW my ex was having affairs with (at the same time) and in fact, I did like them both just fine. Until I found out they were fucking my husband, of course. I also knew and liked the guy who cut both my and ex’s hair. Turned out that the reason ex always took that guy’s last appointment of the day was that they fucked each other after the haircut. Ex used to tell me that they “smoked cigars” together afterwards, and that was why he took so long to get home. God, I was such a chump. And it still shames me how ex was so clearly laughing at me and feeling contempt as he cheated so easily without my having a clue.

    Of course, my ex mostly fucked strange men in gay bath houses, so I never knew any of those guys, and really, neither did my ex.

    • Ye gods–you’re so lucky you don’t have any horrible diseases!!! And I’m really happy that you’ve freed yourself.

  • I didn’t get the you’d like her if I knew her line since I knew both of the OWs very well. I was subjected to some other classics though. I never ceases to amaze me the how much of the same bullshit we were all subjected to. On one hand it makes me sad but on the other it makes me feel so much less alone and less crazy. I had always thought that what I was hearing was just too crazy and couldn’t believe that the cheater would even say half of what he did. But now I know that it was just typical stuff they all say. All unoriginal and all very self serving.

  • “This is a marriage commitment, not the Hunger Games.” LMAO Thanks Chump Lady for the much needed laugh. I think most chumps do the humiliating pick me dance right after dday because they are in shock and desperately want the normal back. I did the pick me dance and it doesn’t work but the threat of exposure from the wife of one of her affair partners got her to stop. The other wife threatened to send the sexting to my cheater’s HR department and that is what got her to stop. Not me begging her to come back to the marriage, but a mad wife of her partner threatening to tell her boss got her to stop.

    • Frankly, once they start cheating, it IS the Hunger Games, with the chump left on an island with no food, no tools, no weapons, and threats all around. We barely have a fighting chance until we figure out, “Oh, this is to the death!” and realize that what we need to do to survive is to kill the marriage.

  • Fuckwit invited me to come visit them in the house we bought together, which in fact, he had bought for his AP five months earlier, using my money for the downpayment and doctoring the paperwork so that I had no rights to ownership. You know, because we were so similar and would have so much to talk about! I had gone NC by that time, so I didn’t reply. I guess he thought we’d discuss what a great job she’d done decorating my kitchen, maybe swap some recipes, giggle together over his silliness!

    Since he kept everything we owned together, I no longer own any sharp knives, cleavers, or that goofy cordless electric carving knife we got from his aunt one Christmas, so there would have been no point in accepting the invitation anyway…..

  • Anyone who knowingly fucks somebody else’s spouse is a selfish person with no morals, no compassion and no sense of decency who tears families apart and doesn’t care who gets hurt in the pursuit of his/her own wants. Other than that, I am sure they are all just awesome people, just like the cheaters they fuck.

    • Oh chumpinrecovery
      All true , but make no mistake the ho other woman is in it for herself. She knows full well there are no good guys out there that are single and she knows full well what she is after from our husbands. There is always something in it for them. They don’t care about morals or decency. If somebodys husband is showering them with gifts, jewels, trips, dinner (in my cheaters case anyway, that is what he was doing) then nobody that has two kids and is alone in a big house is going to forgo her fun and excitement and windfall of money and jewels is going to say “OH NO, I just couldn’t because you are married” that is the caliber of women that cheat with other’s husbands. They will take take take what they can get if that cheater husband is dumb enough to pay her for her sex. And that HO will keep that ball rolling because she’s put that on a platter for so many years that now she’s ‘in wuv’ and they both are ‘in wuv’ and his sex does not even have to be good …because ho worker knows that she will be rewarded with gifts and trips and private limos and getaways…she will put up with any kind of sex to get what she wants. This HO I know what she was after. She could do no better…..and I really hate that bitch…she ruined my life and I don’t even know her. Just know she’s a ho and the more I think about it society doesn’t care about ho’s that ruin other women’s marriages. They get away with it. They can still face their coworkers and think that she is great. Anyway I write too much on here. Thanks for ‘listening’ to me.

      • duped,
        You never “write too much on here”.
        Chumps listen to each other, we are here for each other.
        We get it, we understand each other’s feelings.
        Cheaters, not so much!

        • peacekeeper
          thanks so much. sometimes I think I should not be ‘complaining’ because all of you lovely ladies have children..i don’t,….
          Also this site has opened my eyes and I realized what narcissist cheaters do is a common thread. I shared my story because I hope it will help someone. But also to help me because I had nobody to share it with because he came out smelling like a rose with the image management of his family. What still bothers me is that his whore has our marital assets, and I cannot prove it but I know…also because of a comment he made to his sibling before he died.

  • I really did like her. She was a friend. We vacationed together. I trusted her with my kid. I thought she was a good person.

    She laid in wait until I was pregnant before she moved on STBX. Then, she turned on the full sparkle.

    “Look at me! I’m fun and thin and happy. Not like your wife who is exhausted from chasing a toddler while carrying 20 extra pounds of water weight. I stay up and play cards and drink cocktails. She drinks ginger ale and goes to bed early and limps from her sciatica. I’m so unhappy in my marriage! Rescue me! I’ll appreciate you like she doesn’t!”

    After she spent the night with STBX while I was asleep in the next room, she hugged me and told me that I was so beautiful, just glowing, and that she loved me. Even now, the cruelty of that makes me catch my breath.

  • My cheaters Schmoopie had the “game” down pat. She was very quiet and composed when confronted, so I looked absolutely bar shit crazy. It worked for her and in hindsight it told me volumes about her. This wasn’t her first stroll around the block, but she would tell me “i’ve Never done anything like this in my life!” Yeah right! My Ex loved saying that I would like her cause she was so smart and sweet and none of this was her fault! He was definitely worried more about her than me after the affair was outed. I could NOT believe my ears when he told me he was concerned about her and I was ready to pass out in front of him! I was his WIFE of 38 years and the mother of his four children! And he is worried about a woman who spent her weekends with his she trolled for on Facebook??? He really was blind to just how manipulative she was. She was a well seasoned OW. I let him know in no uncertain terms that I was NOT like her nor would I be “friends” with such an obvious slut! He was insulted when I told him she was just a whore. But, turns out I was right. She was a low life whore and worse. She just happened to have a bit more money than your average slut, but no one seemed fooled but my Ex. It took him a while to realize what she really was.

    • Roberta
      I know in my heart that the Howorker had it down pat also. I know because she worked with my cheater. And after he died I read their ‘work’ emails. It was like rapid fire, like texting. Back in 2003 the whore had written It was a pleasure seeing you again. warmest regards. I knew also that this was not the first time this whore screwed married men because she was In a ‘consulting’ job where she was in and out (in more ways than one) into big companies and her consulting’ job put in a ‘position’ where she HAD to interact with only top level execs. In this case, my husband who was charming etc etc. This whore had it made, she knew she would always work around high earning married men, and she was single for a reason. Raising two small kids, no boyfriend or husband in site. After he died I called the whore and called her one name. She stayed on the line, never responded. She tried to pretend that she was so ‘classy’ by not responding…she never uttered a word, the big whore. And then with her high pitched put on voice on her youtube videos…”hey guys, give me a call, I love when I get you emails” “call me and I will help with your ‘process” Wtf? what a whore. Who talks like that, and shrouds it in professionalism. Who talks with a high pitched voice in her 50’s? She thinks she’s some sex kitten. NO, she’s a seasoned whore, been around the block, made money on bj’s and screwing the bank vault out of other peoples men. I am the chumpiest chump because I trusted him. Because he kept everything a secret in our marriage, I could not find out about her as AP. He did it this way for a reason…red flag!

  • “Oh, so OW is a lot like me? She is disappointed after sex with you too?” I can’t remember who posted this in a previous CL but I loved it.

    • This is gold. I wish I had told mine that.

      As it was, when I found out he was doing the art shows/ farmers market/ museum runs with her he always did with me and little else, I blurted out, “I thought the whole point of having a girlfriend was so you could get some in a style you weren’t getting from me. You aren’t even getting any?”

      Sad sausage moaned that I hurt his feelings with that. I almost laughed in his face. I saved it for later, in my bedroom when he was gone. My kids thought I was kookoo, hehe.

  • Yeah, I got this too. Once I got gaslighted into “trying out” open marriage (after ten years of mostly monogamy from him which I now have my doubts about), every day it was:

    “The group of swingers I hang out with/fuck are normal people! You’d like them!” Uh…no thanks. Maybe they are cool, but I doubt they think you are, showing up single but married to their “events” all the time. According to him, they asked him where I was all the time. Raising young kids and keeping my boundaries intact, thanks. I don’t fuck strangers. Or my husband’s fuckbuddies. Or anyone but my husband. BECAUSE I’M AN OLD-FASHIONED CHUMP AND I LIKE MONOGAMY. And I don’t feel the need to defend any of my choices.

    Fuckafriend – “Our kids are so similar, you deal with the same issues, you could be friends!” Thing is, we WERE friends before you stuck your dick in the middle of it. After her encouragement. Flat begging. In front of her poor husband who felt too guilty he couldn’t satisfy her because he has MEDICAL ISSUES. It was terrible, what they did to him, and neither of them even noticed.

    Fuckbuddy #1 – “She loves animals, especially cats, like you!” Any similarities ended there. She looked older, acted older, was heavier, and her house stunk to high heaven because she bred cats, she didn’t just like them. Aka Crazy Cat Lady Fuck. I love cats, and in no way should they be treated like she’s treated them. I considered calling Animal Control, but at that point in all this I was playing Not My Circus, Not My Monkeys.

    Fuckbuddy #2 – “She’s edgy and badass and has similar clothing likes as you!” Turns out she also had a bullying attitude, purposefully went after married men in order to blow up their marriages (and did it more than twice), and went psycho when he refused to leave our family for her. My Then-STBX got mad at me when I called her a snob because she was always down-talking people who didn’t make the same food, fashion, or lifestyle choices that she did. I could tell she was entirely contemptuous of married women who had kids, by what she wrote to him in her emails and posted on FB. It was probably the reason she always went for married men with kids.

    Fuckbuddy #3 – “She’s laid-back, a crafter, and likes to go to farmers markets and museums just like you!” I met this one too, and out of all of them, she was the closest in similarities to me. They weren’t even doing much beyond doing what fuckwit and I usually did when spending time together, so fuckwit yelling that he wasn’t happy because I wasn’t doing things with him that HE liked doing made absolutely no fucking sense. So really, you didn’t want to be married to me so you could go and be with someone EXACTLY LIKE ME? This is why they’re called “fuckwits”.
    I actually had no problems with her because by then I knew who the real fuckwit was. In fact, she was so similar to me, that very soon after our divorce she called it quits with fuckwit and dumped him (no doubt having seen the shape of things to come). Fuckwit promptly blamed her for the failure of his marriage (“If she hadn’t said she’d move in with me and share expenses, I never would have asked for a divorce!”), and me for filing “too soon”.
    “I would have handled it. I wouldn’t have let you guys struggle. I would have given you $300 or so a month.” Hey fuckface, my father was paying my mother $400 a month IN 1977, AND THAT WAS CONSIDERED LOW.

    So in fact, I can kind of thank Fuckbuddy #3 for giving me the best laugh of the whole stupid thing that I’d had in a long while. It was a rich and lovely comeuppance for the fuckwit that I still relish every now and then whenever I think of it, which happens to be less and less as time goes on.
    I used to regret I didn’t dump his ass as soon as he asked for an open marriage after almost ten years of supposed monogamy, because of all the women he tried to make me friends with after, but that regret is fading. I understand I was a chump, pick me dancing and trying to save my marriage, and I didn’t know better. It’s what I was taught, and gaslighting was added to the mix.
    We all have to learn in our own ways and in our own time. I came to Chumplady and Chump Nation late, but I thank my sanity I did. It’s helping me recover, fix my picker, and move on!

  • The OW and I were “friends” on FB after she and cheater got together (unbeknownst to me). She is a respected scientist, and our children both have the same rare genetic defect.
    She is also an elitist snob, who believes her PhD is the final word in every argument. Her husband cheated on HER, so I guess she considered an affair with my husband as payback. Nevermind the innocent spouse, and the untold pain caused by her actions. Nevermind the possibility of families destroyed. It was all about the feels.
    She has, since DDay, closed her FB account in order to be more “opaque”. Whatever.

    These people are children who never learned impulse control.

  • My ex tried to paint Schmoopie as completely innocent of any wrongdoing. He said that she and I would be friends in the nursing home someday where we would compare notes to find out what was really going on (ex angling for cake but I already knew that). He also went on about how cruelly she was treated by her evil then husband who had cheated on her in the past and she was “so kind” to have taken him back. He showed no indication that he had any idea of the irony of what he was saying. He also had the nerve to tell me “she cares about me and I hurt her really badly” as if I was supposed to care about that. He seemed to think that breaking up with her would be as equally cruel as tearing apart our 22 year marriage and our family. He implied that he was treating her as badly as he was treating me and he felt guilty about it. I can’t tell you how much that attitude pissed me off, but I guess I don’t have to as all of you already get it.

    Schmoopie was not innocent. She had agency. She could have told him to fuck off as soon as he started to come on to her and she chose not to. She knew he was married and lost her right to not get hurt the moment she decided that fucking somebody else’s husband was a good idea. Perhaps he was the one who initiated the original affair, but she later fought to “win” him. She knowingly, deliberately and manipulatingly intervened in our efforts to reconcile knowing damn well that I still loved him and wanted to keep our family intact. I guess she figured that if her marriage blew up over their affair his had to as well or it wouldn’t be fair. She didn’t care who got hurt as long as she got what she wanted. It still pisses me off that he wants to convince everybody, including the kids, that she isn’t that bad. It pisses me off even more that it seems to be working. They are both masters at image management. I just hope that if things end badly for either one of them I am not tempted to feel sorry for them.

    • PS. I remember one time when we were talking and he suddenly looked at me and said “you look just like her when you make that expression”. No asshole, I was here first. She looks like me when she makes that expression.

  • I admire true love if it existed in this jade I’d do the same and try to get him back, but with a little bit of class. Most cheaters have Zero respect for honesty. Instead they make calculated back stabs to convince heart that it’s the Woman’s fault.
    Grant bad behavior it’s review but don’t stand on it with 2 feet because we know he had 1 foot left the other right so he was most definitely pissing on the behavior and blaming it on rain.

    Just a glimpse

  • Before NC yes “you two have so much in common” not anymore…the one he is married too now…he told MY friends; after an accidental meeting at a Jump Place for kiddies… ” we should have dinner; she is great you would love her”….. after my friend stopped gagging she said……and I quote” Not going to happen”! Thing is though…. she, the one he married just a year younger than I… beautiful tan, little, very intimidating……saw pictures a year later……she has gained at least 20 lbs. had some veterinarian quality botox now has a crooked smile….had her boobs done but not lifted they look like deflated swim blow up toys pointing in all the wrong directions. End Point she looks awful….however she is a big as narc as he is and they deserve each other…..side note He has zero friends….never had any….I brought the friends into the relation ship.
    stumbled upon his twitter….says ” best friend you can ever have…” hahahaha….U HAVE NO FRIENDS! fool and his money ….

    • OMG so true. narcissists never have real friends. they have lackeys flying monkeys and family members that enable them in their affair and/or in my case, his best ‘friend’ in the neighborhood who was a simpleton that I figured out was spying on my comings and goings because OW whore had instituted him in her scheme to be spied on for my husnand to make sure when I was home or not…I found this out when this ‘friend’ of my husband blurted out how many times my car came and went into and out of the driveway one day— giving me the understanding that he was spying on me and would even sit talking to a neighbor across the street watching me wash my car, etc. I know now that the whore got friendly with my husbands simpleton friend so that he could spy for her. I know also because of that comment and because I also wondered how much this simpleton male friend always hung out with my husband, cuz he liked the free dinners, free breakfasts after ‘church’ and the motorcycle rides the would go on and take the whore. Oh that got blurted out too, me your husband and ‘the whore’ …went bike riding together. Of course he did not refer to her as a whore ! But the audacity !

  • While I was “detecting” I tried to figure out the motivation for the encounter’s I found. I had two different cheaters, and they motivated differently. Overall what I had in common with all the OW was we were all useful. That is when I figured out we are all interchangeable parts, just like porn stars all do the same types of things, but this one is blonde, this one a redhead, this one has big ones, this one “loves” BJ’s. On and on. No real substance, just different uses. Ex#1 was all about opportunity and not being alone. When he had to travel for work, he always had to have entertainment. Could not eat alone, watch tv in the hotel alone, even liked an audience when he masturbated. Ex#2 like to use any available OW to “punish” me for not doing whatever he wanted. Won’t buy him a new tool, car, golf club??? Well, a new OW will take care of that. Also liked to juggle several. That way, at least one of them would be available whenever he needed one. How he kept the lies straight was something I never understood. He also claimed he made the money to live the lifestyle he pretended to have, and that he owned all the things that he got to live with when he married me. “This is my house, I’ve lived here 3 years. These are my cars . . . ” It was MY house that I bought with MY money, and MY cars, also bought with MY money. I let him drive one because his broke down shortly after he moved in with me. How useful was I????? It was such a shame that I had to live on a budget and wasn’t willing to go into unreasonable debt!
    So people may have a “type” they prefer, a basic physical attraction to this type or that one — but these dysfunctional freaks like availability, use and variety. They will say anything to get what they want, which almost always is immediate gratification. They look for the one that provides the most for them in that moment. Maybe they do like this one’s sexual gymnastics over that one, or this one is a better cook, or that one has more “stuff”, or another one never says no to anything. They lie because it is the only way they can have all this variety — even someone open to the poly lifestyle has boundaries — these freaks have no boundaries. Even when it would be in their best interests, in the long run, to do the right thing — they cannot resist the thrill of doing the wrong thing.
    It is hard for a chump to understand, because it is completely outside our way of thinking and our moral code. We really DO NOT WANT to believe anyone would make choices like that. We have to learn to believe the evidence at hand. When we eliminate all the other possibilities, we have what is left. The hardest person for me to convince was me. I gave them all the benefits, and went way beyond the doubts — till I finally figured out that there was never going to be enough. I was never going to be good enough to suit my Dad, the malignant Narc, and I just didn’t have enough resources and energy to satisfy the insatiable Ex’s.
    I finally learned I was the only one I needed to please, and life has been much sweeter, since.

  • The X wanted me to meet his favorite customer “Aimee” because “You’d really like her…she’s a lot of fun” (she was 22yrs younger than both of us…we are in our 60’s). Yeah? So I told him to have her stop by the house and I’d be happy to meet her. She refused. Apparently, the guilt of giving the X blow jobs in the back room of his store on Saturdays was the only reality that she wanted to face…would not want to meet the wife and have my image imbedded into her brain cells going forward.

    She must have thought that I was some awful HAG in her imagination (I wonder who gave her that idea), and that was what she wanted to continue to think….meeting me would make me a real bonafied person. Then one day when I stopped by at X’s store, she walked in and I instinctively KNEW it was her because X talked about her so much. I warmly introduced myself and the first thing out of her mouth was “OH! You are BEAUTIFUL!” I was thinking “who the hell cares if I am beautiful or not”. Then it dawned on me WHY it mattered to her…she felt like she was competing with me, but once she actually saw me, she fell silent and must have felt intimidated. So much for how “fun” Aimee is when she finally meets wife. I could not pull two words out of her for conversation.
    Once I found out what the two of them were REALLY up to (it only took about one day after that), I arranged to meet up with her again and I made a point to tell her that she can HAVE him…that I was already finished getting my ducks in a row and finished biding my time with him, and if it was not her that he was messing with, it would have been someone else because the X is nothing more than a serial WHORE and always had been for his entire adult life.

    She must have took that to heart because she quickly disappeared out of X’s radar and moved on immediately to someone else…his 23yr old son who had no idea of what the two of them had been doing.

  • Well said Portia. The motivation for my Ex cheating was Schmoopies money (actually her husbands money). But I dug enough up on the internet to know that the properties she and her husband owned were being used as her “personal bank” and she was squirreling money away from their assets! She was a nasty little con and she would chase every nickel she could put her claws into! My Ex loved very nice “toys” and she spared no expense on gifts for him. We are talking specialty suits, country club weekends etc. Once he romance went south my Ex was so surprised when she took every single dime he had to his name! He just couldn’t believe the old ass gold digger did that! But I noticed out of all the properties she was sucking dry I did notice she NEVER put her personal condo at risk. And all the fancy clothes and toys she bought him stayed with her when they split. He was very put out by that move! I had told him early on that I had a bad vibe and a gut feeling about her, but he thought I was just being a jealous bitch. Apparently I was bang on about this whore!

  • Oh and chump lady how did you manage to capture the subtle nervous and giggly yet pure stupid that is my x’s cartoon face? Its like you were there. ????

  • Reading thru all this makes me wonder why we haven’t had a Cheater Bingo card. “Just a friend, You’d get along, she gets me, I was never going to leave you for her, she meant nothing to me, she’s such a great listener, she’s not a whore, I’m working late….”

    If I’d had that card in front of me for dday and the subsequent torture that was lying thru marriage counseling, it would have taken me a hot minute to jump up and yell “Bingo!”

    • Hollowbunny, loved your Haiku during the contest….adding to the Bingo game: “She feels bad for you” “She’s religious” “It was just an emotional affair” “It was just that one time” “She keeps putting appointments for herself on my calendar” (ho worker was dancing hard and he was loving it)

      • Thank you, what a nice thing to say! I forgot about “ she’s a good person!” “I couldn’t get it up!” But for the bonus round, my favourite, “I can’t fire her, she’s been so loyal to the company and the family. That would be unfair.” When I finally came back to what was left of my senses after losing my shit in a spectacular and aggressively profane fashion, he took his singed eyebrows and bugged out eyes and eventually had her fired. I was rocking back and forth in a ball repeating “loyal loyal loyal”. This was a family run business – his family – they both were lying to everyone in the business and at their respective homes, and more than one member of his family commented on her loyalty and respect for family after the fact. Yes, don’t bother asking, I’m no contact with them.

        When she was gone, clients came back in droves since they no longer had to deal with her. Turns out she was untrustworthy and a liar. Have to say that info mortified him beyond belief. Since I didn’t sign a non disclosure agreement about her termination, I’m still befuddled at how many people in the industry found out about their affair and made him a punchline. I mean, everyone found out! Hahahahaha.

  • My cheater XH and his schmoopie left the state and moved thousands of miles away and how much would you like to bet when they tell people about their luv story they completely leave out the part about how he was a married man when she was fucking him in cheap motel rooms? These people have to invent an entire new narrative to live with themselves. But they know. They know.

  • I was one of those lucky ones who knew the OW very well, so no introduction necessary.
    Her and I were ‘besties’ and emailed daily.

    I quickly resorted to making up all sorts of nasty graphic names to call her while discussing her with him.
    He would only repeat back ‘whore’ and asked me not to call her that, please.
    God, I almost dropped my jaw on the floor – Him protecting HER?

    I reminded him she was my friend too and I used to like her. (and was actually pretty hurt myself realizing that) . But, this is when I knew I was done. It proved to me he was done with me.

  • Sarah P. again here. Just wanted to say that no therapist who has a clue about cheating would encourage the cheater to talk about the dynamics that drove them to cheat. (It is victim blaming). Yet many therapists do just that. But, here is the truth. There is no real curriculum for psychologists that teaches them how to treat infidelity. On the other hand, therapists do not get a pass for victim blaming (ie analyzing the dynamics that drove someone to cheat).

    Everyone is fortunate that Chump Lady gets it 100% and on a deep level and is willing to spend hours unselfishly writing about these topics to maintain the sanity of those who have been blind-sided by a cheater. I wish this website was around when I was blind-sided years ago.

    It’s like this. People decide to stick by their marriage vows or they do not.

    If they do not decide to stick by their vows, that is THEIR fault entirely. Most people know we cannot control others, but cheaters will imply that we could control their bad behavior if we were more of this or that or the other thing. No, cheaters control their behavior and their choices regardless of who we are. Don’t ever allow yourself to get pulled into the pick me dance because it will mess with your head.

    Non-cheaters control their behavior and their choices too. And low and behold, non-cheaters figured out how NOT to cheat. It was very simple. They just made the decision to stick by their marriage vows. They made the decision not to dip their pen in another inkwell or allow another pen to dip itself into their inkwell.

    Finally, Jennifer Garner had an interesting comment about Ben Affleck in Vanity Fair: “I didn’t marry the big fat movie star; I married him,” she says. “And I would go back and remake that decision. I ran down the beach to him, and I would again. You can’t have these three babies and so much of what we had. He’s the love of my life. What am I going to do about that? He’s the most brilliant person in any room, the most charismatic, the most generous. He’s just a complicated guy. I always say, ‘When his sun shines on you, you feel it.’ But when the sun is shining elsewhere, it’s cold. He can cast quite a shadow.”

    DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT brainwash yourself like Jennifer Garner has done. She is describing someone who is a narcissist and who has destroyed her life. But, she has brainwashed herself into thinking Ben is just a complicated guy. (I am guessing she also had the misfortune of meeting a therapist who made her analyze the dynamic of why Ben cheated.) *sigh*

    Jennifer Garner, I like you. I can tell you are a sweetheart in real life. If you are out there, RUN AWAY. Far away. Then talk to people who help you deprogram your brain. Ben is NOT complicated. Ben is a malignant narcissist. And yes, people like Ben do indeed cast a shadow and it is the coldest shadow of them all. You and your sunny smile don’t deserve cold shadows. You deserve much more.

    The same goes for everyone– no matter who you are.

    • Yes, we should all become ‘gone girls’ and by that I mean RUN AWAY do not get discarded, just run before they get to discard you. I guess that is why J Lo got rid of Ben Affleck when she was dating him, she probably figured him out. Yes, I would say that he is def. a narcissist. You explained this so brilliantly.
      Yes, narcissist definitely ruin your life. You are left wondering how they could do this to you, why they would go with someone needy ho at work, etc etc. But there is always something in it for them. The allure for my husband was her beachhouse. She became worthy kibbles because she had ‘something to offer’ him. That is what she seduced him with. And they probably built ‘rapport’ because they worked together, she could be the available clam and act on every whim and tell him everything he needed to hear as a narcissist, the praise, the adoration, the swooning over him. This lets the narcissist know you are easy prey and that they can get the Ho easily because she worships the narcissist. Their affair messes with my head almost everyday because I wonder did he play the games with her, did he lie, did he degrade, did he belittle. I doubt it, she never saw that because it was only done to me a few times in the beginning, and after all he had to uphold his great guy image in the workplace for her to keep her hooked.

      • Duped,
        Thanks for writing. I got discarded by my exes for women in their workplace. My ex-boyfriend replaced me with his work subordinate. I imagine that my ex-boyfriend treats her much better because he had to pursue her (while he was with me?) and he respects her. He did not respect me. I was not a challenge, and I couldn’t offer him the easy life he wanted. If I had been calmer (in response to the trauma I was experiencing at the time he and I dated) and thus looked more ‘fun,’ maybe I could have kept the relationship going a bit longer. However, I suspect that a million lifetimes’ worth of love from me, a well-educated, devoted, fit middle-aged mother was not enough. Getting repeatedly discarded and blocked, as opposed to leaving the uncommitted, degrading liar, makes me feel powerless and humiliated.

        • rockstarwife,
          yes, I know what you mean. I put up with him keeping everything password protected, running out of the back room when I would come home to grab his laptop (precious stuff in there the rapid fire work emails betwn him and ho) the going on ‘work trips’ refusing to give me the hotel name/number saying ‘you have my cell number”, the controlling all the ‘money’, not trying to ever be transparent, just lies lies lies. And me accepting all of it like a dunce, when anybody would be proud of me as a wife, educated, funny, happy, fit, classy, etc. but yet he wanted to f that lonely howorker, why, because she presented herself like some professional put together, ‘fun’ exciting whore…but their big secret had to be kept hidden because he was a big exec and nobody could know about it. It must have killed her that he never took off his wedding ring, did not divorce me (but they were plotting?) I know money is missing and it eats away at me, that he must have bought her a house or just supported her. All the while, I am working very hard, basically supporting myself. So essentially it was like I was supporting their fuckfest affair because he was controlling of assets, so you could not tell he was taking big cashouts from the bank and moving money around. All to satisfy his craving for the whore…and help support her? I’m sure. THat shows you how selfish this entitled fuckwit narcissists are. Never once did he care about his nice wife working like a dog, never once did he say honey I know you work hard or how was your day? no it was all about when was he going to f the whore and what more could he do for her. In the end, she never got to have him alllll to herself. But she knew she made off with the money he was hiding or giving to her. So that in and of itself makes her feel good…and the duping of the husbands wife makes her feel even better ! And the ‘commitment’ of lies he told her to keep her feeling wanted and respected and appreciated…that bitch is laughing now, I know it.
          I know what you mean by saying you were disrespected. THey keep respecting that whore though. She is on her best behavior while she is down on her knees. Do these whores ever think that they are getting sloppy seconds?

          • Duped,
            I doubt it. The APs to our partners don’t think the way we do. And the replacements who are not APs think that they are getting a good deal in our partners. In terms of ‘what’s on paper’ (titles, education, money), they may be getting a good deal; in terms of character, they are not getting noble, or even decent, people, even if our former partners are treating our replacements well.

  • Well said, Sarah P. It seems the majority of narcissists and egoists is that they think highly of themselves. They justify cheating and blowing up families. Indeed, however, they are often smart, rich and even famous in their fields. They usually have great friendly personalities and charisma, and therein lies the concern of anybody married to one. It is a nightmare because they are often very controlling. And, once their mask slips, they will discard you overnight.

    • Excellent, succinct description, SheChump. I got the ‘smart, rich, famous, in his field’ more than once. Charismatic and persuasive–and controlling, too. And yes, with each of the narcs/abusers/liars, once his mask fell off, I was discarded overnight.

  • My cheater tried to convince me that the trashy side piece who replaced me is a good person by informing me that “she doesn’t want to live with a married man”. He told me that she has “packed a bag several times” and frequently threatens to move out of our beach rental where she resides with him as a squatter. (What a saint!) He also told me that she has so many things in common with “us” such as often seeing signs of things being meant to be, etc. (I’d like to know which sign the universe gave her that indicated she should have sex with my husband in our bed!) Best of all is when I asked what she looks like and he told me that she is the same size as me. Turns out she is 5’10” whereas I am barely 5’0″! (Guess it’s hard to someone’s determine height accurately though when you typically only spend time with them horizontally!) The whole caper disgusts me and I agree with the idea of having a bingo card for all of the similar cheater comments.

  • Actually cheater said I am not the same as OW because of my stance of pre-marital sex. So we got married after being together for 13 years and he slept with his younger co-worker within 6 months into our marriage. Got busted 2 weeks before the first wedding anniversary. He later said to me “celibacy doesn’t seem like a good idea now does it? you should sleep with your next bf earlier next time”. And of cause he doesn’t use any protection because “she’s clean”…

      • I’m not saying that you have to either or that it’s a justification for cheating!

        But I can’t imagine why you both stayed together for that long under those conditions…

  • AP is a decade older than me. She’s physically unattractive and, more importantly, super ugly on the inside as evidenced by the following bits of revealing information:

    **She cheated on her first wife to be with her long-term gf.
    **Then cheated on that long-term gf to be with my wife.
    **She aggressively pursued my wife – a married new mother to a five month old. A FIVE month old.
    **She used her position of power in the workplace to influence and impress my wife.
    **She used screen shots of conversations she had with colleagues about the affair to influence my wife into thinking that her adultery was good and acceptable.
    **She fed my wife lines on how she adores my son (yes they met, behind my back), and how she’s always wanted to be a mother — even though she’s childless by choice and well beyond child bearing years, oh, and a workaholic. i.e., Mom material.

    Now that I’ve finally thrown in the towel, this person gets to help raise my son. This person is the reason why I don’t get to see my son every day. And the reason he’ll have to spend his whole childhood being shuffled between homes. And the reason I don’t get to expand my family as planned. And the reason I now have to stay in a city I do not love, far away from my own family and my son’s family — for the next 17 years. (Obviously, my wife is to blame for all of this too but my wife has said if it wasn’t for the AP, we’d still be together.)

    Yeah there’s no “liking” this person… there’s no “being happy” for my wife for finding this person.

  • OMG, my husband tried that shit. He was all, “You’d actually like her. She’s just a good little church-going country girl.”

    I added, “Who fucks other people’s husbands.”

    He didn’t pursue the conversation any further.

  • “I see this again and again in my mail from chumps …”

    And here I thought I was the only one who heard, “I think you’d like her.” I remember when my ex uttered those words to me the day after DDay #1 I was thrown for such a loop at the extent of his incredible insensitivity and stupidity….but evidently, it’s part of their protocol! After that, nothing he said shocked me, and the more I’m on this site, the less shocking anything is! Ugh….

  • I got quite the opposite. STBX requested during reconciliation that I do Kegel excercises so that I would be more like his 25 year old mistress, instead of being the 40 something wife who gave him 3 children.

    • What a shallow asshole. Hope she leaves him for a young bloke with an all night boner and tells him so. She won’t stick around.
      Be the best you and leave him in the dust.

    • coolinmn
      I thought of the perfect answer that you could have said
      your answer to him should have been “if you did not have such a pencil dick you would not be misinterpreting what the real situation is here

  • Standing in the kitchen after DDay on evening my STBX asked me if I thought his AP was pretty. This question was out of the blue, out of left field. WTF? He’s asking me anything about a woman who is married to another man and cheats with my husband of 30 years whom I have two children with who I actually loved very much. No she’s not pretty, she’s the ugliest person in the world besides YOU my cheating lying STBX husband. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

  • I had a unique situation when my ex cheater wife compared me to her AP.

    She commented that we were very much alike and looked very much alike.

    Well, duh! The AP and I had been first cousins for 50 years, so yeah we looked alike and had many things in common.

    One major exception is that I’m a moral, awesome husband and father, while my first cousin is an immoral, douche bag family wrecker.

    If you’re wondering how this happened, he lives in another state when this went down. In fact, I’ve never seen him since this entire thing started and they even live together now. That’s probably a good thing that we haven’t crossed paths, for his facial structure and all.

    Don’t get me wrong, if she came back to me gift wrapped in $1 billion cash I wouldn’t even consider taking her back no matter what she said.

    The anti- cousin deserves a beat down just on general principles alone.

  • My dad still does this at times. Last year we went on a trip to France, me, my sister and my dad for some father-daughter bonding time. We were supposed to stay there for 3 nights, but left after a day and a half because I was so angry at him that nobody was in the mood for continuing the short vacation. So what happened?

    Before we started the trip I practically begged him not to talk about the OW because it really affected my mood at that time, my mother even warned him. But after lunch on day 2 he said:

    ‘I know you don’t want to hear this, but…’

    I said that he probably shouldn’t say it then, if he knew it would upset me. But he continued:

    ‘The OW was always there for me in the tough times we had last year. I think you will like her.’

    I told him there would not have been any tough times if he hadn’t decided to screw around with her. He had no reply to that. So, vacation ruined, my sister upset because of our fights that started after these conversations (Which I kinda felt guilty for) and an angry mother who kept getting disappointed again and again by her ex.

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