Hey Chump Lady,
D-Day was November 20, 2017. I was coming home late after working one of my 4 jobs I had taken to sustain my wife’s insatiable and inscrutable spending habit and found her asleep, phone still in hand in the middle of a text conversation with another man she had known for years, talking about her running away and taking his last name.
We had a row about it that week, and she promised that it was over with him, that she would return to me, the whole jazz.
Then, on December 18, I found, in a similar way, that she’d been doing this with at least five other men. She categorically denied that any of it meant anything; that I was reading into the photos of her vagina and the promises that we had been separated for years. That yes she had a problem, but it wasn’t who she was.
I, being a textbook chump, took her back again. Heard her promises to change.
I also found out again on February 2, 2018 that she was still having a relationship with the first guy she was making plans to run away with. It took me a month after that confrontation to expose the hell of our past two years to close friends and family and go No Contact.
Since then, she has been doubling down on a story she has been publicly open about: that in her previous marriage, she was the victim of horrible domestic violence. She was living with her husband on an Air Force base and he would come home from work and beat her mercilessly until one day she found the fortitude to leave.
The events of our marriage (not just the four separate fights we had about the multiple men she was sexually involved with) made me question this domestic violence story–at least its severity.
So I reached out to her ex-husband. I had him describe their relationship to me, and it was like he was telling me a play-by-play of my own marriage. Her insatiable spending. Her constant gaslighting and manipulation. Her textbook narcissism. He tells me (and I believe him) that he never laid a finger on her. The military’s police also arrived at the same conclusion when they performed an investigation.
I am in the process of getting a lawyer and have been NC since the last week of March. What I want to know is what to do about this issue of domestic violence in her past. She has publicly blasted this man whom I believe to be innocent to the extent that he is still fearful to go into public places, because he never knows whom he’ll run into.
I want to tell my story (including the 119 photos I have of proof of her affairs with six different men — and these are just the ones I have found), but I also want to tell his story, and how it lines up almost perfectly with mine. How can someone like my STBX be stopped from doubling down on something that is almost surely a falsehood?
Questions about her Past
Now is not the time to go on a publicity tour ala James Comey, setting the record straight — now is the time to extract yourself from from this marriage ASAP. You’re essentially doing the legal equivalent of crawling into a nest of vipers and diffusing a bomb. Proceed with CAUTION and protect yourself. Get out of that viper pit alive.
But, but! Her lies!
You don’t control that.
Read that sentence again and again. Maybe tattoo it to your arm for future reference. You don’t control the lies your ex tells about you, or anyone else, or if she took the last cookie, or if that’s her real weight on her drivers license… YOU DON’T CONTROL THAT. You only control YOU.
When you leave someone as batshit crazy as your STBX, fully expect the rage channel. What?! No credit card shopping sprees? No reliable chump kibbles? WTF! Consequences?! Oh no, no, NO!
She will probably tar you with the same brush she tarred her ex-husband with. You’re controlling, you’re awful, in fact YOU are the cheater! Whatever crazy pops in her head, she’ll probably go with it. She’s certainly not leading with: “I sexted 119 pictures of my lady parts!”
Because why would she? The truth defeats her narrative of being Hard Done By. And if she’s a Sad, Misunderstood Sausage and Victim of That Bad Man, she can attract another chump. (Worked on you!)
Of course her lies are infuriating, but do you really want to be the Liar Police? That keeps your head firmly in the mindfuck blender. It maintains her centrality. If her lies are damaging enough to warrant a defamation case, talk to your lawyer, but even THEN, do you want to go to court? Moreover, do you really want to do this on behalf of another chump, her ex-husband? How exhausting.
IMO, the sane thing to do here is leave and go total no contact. Eat the shit sandwich of injustice, and be grateful for every day you’re not in her crazy orbit.
Meanwhile, you’re still in the vipers nest. Do NOT be alone with this woman. Do not allow yourself to be in any situations in which she could claim you’re harming her. Only talk between your lawyers. Just focus on freedom.
I guarantee you, she’s saying terrible things about you. And my friend — it doesn’t matter. The people who love you, who know you, don’t believe that crap. The people who believe her, are her next victims.
We can’t save everyone. Yes, these freaks should come with forehead stamps, but they don’t. Just live your life with integrity and leave your ex to her vagina selfies.