Dear Chump Lady, I’m too old to start over

Dear Chump Lady,

My husband cheated on me. When I found out, it had been going on for a month or so…..but thought it was just messaging (not physical). I kicked him out.

I let him move back in when he hated where he was living and said he was afraid he might kill himself. He was sleeping in the basement, then moved to a bedroom next to mine. We were working on things and started back with a physical relationship… I THEN found out the affair was physical. I later found out he was still in contact with affair partner and wouldn’t stop. Kicked him out again.

Now here is where I am the biggest chump. I can’t imagine being single at 53 … I don’t want to be alone. I don’t want to start over. We have been together for over 32 years… married for over 28. I just want my life back. I am almost begging him to try harder to make it work. He is saying he doesn’t want to live under a microscope and he wants to remain friends with her.

I just can’t stop and give up on us when we have shared our whole adult life together. We did everything together and I am so lost and alone. I am too old to start over. How do I stop…. how do I get past this? I feel like such a fool.

Shelley

Dear Shelley,

Whoever that woman was who kicked out her cheating husband? Grow old with her. She’s got your back. That fearful creature who let him come home, and is pick me dancing to win a manipulative fuckwit? Smother her with a pillow.

Where to begin… Let’s start with “he hated where he was living and said he was afraid he might kill himself.” If he makes such an utterance again, call the police and have him involuntarily committed for a 72-hour psych evaluation. (This is the standard emergency response when people are threatening harm to themselves.) If he’s suicidal, he’ll get the help he needs. If he was being manipulative, he’ll never try that shit again. Either way, he’s not sleeping on your sofa tonight.

I can’t imagine being single at 53.

It’s not a disease. Being single is not pitiable — it’s you minus one fuckwit. Let’s try some scarier sentences, shall we?

I can’t imagine having to compete for my husband’s affection.

I can’t imagine having to get STD tested constantly because my husband fucks around.

I can’t imagine humiliating myself for someone who is demonstrably cruel to me. 

There are far worse things than being alone, chief among them is being married to a remorseless cheater. Those sentences above are your current REALITY. Being single after 32 years is just the unknown. And you control how you captain your life. You control nothing about fuckwits.

I don’t want to start over.

Life is starting over. Think about it, every aspect of your life is about starting over. You give up crawling for walking. You lose teeth. You change classes, suffer through puberty, start new jobs, make new friends, lose friends, have to eat at countless lunchrooms alone. People die, people are born. Not to write an entire paragraph of cliches here, Shelley, but life is CHANGE. There is zero guarantee your life will remain as you thought it would be, or give you the future you thought you deserved. Life coldcocks everyone.

You’re not washed up at 53. Not by a long shot. Look, I’m here in Roanoke, Virginia this weekend with my parents — people in their mid-70s. It’s abundantly clear to me that time is running out before I’m spending dinners discussing my acid reflux. I’ve got about 20 years before my knees are arthritic and I have to set the thermostat to 80. Nonetheless, the old people are out and about, admiring the azaleas and having cocktails.

I’m aware that my time with them is dwindling and my own mortality is in sight. It makes me rethink exactly how much time I want to waste. I suggest you don’t waste your precious years and good health on a cheating bastard.

Divorce over 50 has its own host of considerations, financially and health-wise. Do some research at AARP (I’m not being snarky, I LOVE AARP). Talk to a lawyer and face all your scary fears with some facts about your situation. People start over every day.

If you’re rightfully scared about your security, consider that it’s probably MORE insecure to stay with someone who is spending marital resources on an affair. There’s no guarantee he’s going to stick around — so protect yourself.

How do I stop…. how do I get past this? I feel like such a fool.

He’s the fool. You get past this by recognizing your worth, and taking your power back. He doesn’t want to live under a microscope? Fine. He can live under a divorce summons.

Hang in there Shelley, better days ahead. Make the most of them!

Subscribe
Notify of

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

265 Comments
Oldest
Newest Most Voted
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
ImAPhool
ImAPhool
5 years ago

Being single is not a disease. But he could be. Get rid of him.

Shelley
Shelley
5 years ago
Reply to  ImAPhool

????I agree!

Lioness
Lioness
5 years ago
Reply to  ImAPhool

Agreed ImAPhool !
I’m now 55 and differently abled. Lost my job right after he left! How am I coping? One day at a time.
The dick always said that he will commit suicide. Years later he is still alive. Why do you think that is??
I had a brother who committed suicide. I know and understand the pain. These mindfucks will screw with you as long as they can get to you. Get him out and get him out of your head. That drug needs to be destroyed! Him changing… that’s a laugh! Never! Life is a game for them.
Shelley you be strong! Life is better alone than with a cheater! Peace!

Lulutoo
Lulutoo
5 years ago
Reply to  Lioness

Lioness, you are mighty! Roar!

ImAPhool
ImAPhool
5 years ago
Reply to  Lioness

Lioness – sorry to hear what you’re going through. One day at a time is all you can do. And in time – you’ll be better off without him than with him.

ozziechump
ozziechump
5 years ago

I have just done all this at 60! I asked myself the most basic question- is this how I want to live? No! My resounding heart generated response is that I am better than that! 36 years of my life; 27 married; I dedicated my kind loyal love to a fuck wit who never deserved me. I received a text telling me it was all over after I caught the two of them in our food van in the local swamp! You reckon?! He was 60 & she was 38. He has erectile dysfunction and she is stuck with ‘his big hands’! What a joke. They both destroyed 2 beautiful family’s. We call them limp dick and pond scum.
Trust me CL is so right- what waits on the other side of hell is peace love and real loyalty. Yes it’s painful and awful – but there is no turning back. CN will lift you up, support you and have your back!

UpToMe
UpToMe
5 years ago
Reply to  ozziechump

That sounds way too familiar, the ages, the need for little blue pills and on the side of back roads in his new Lincoln. Worthless and skankygirl07

Lola Granola
Lola Granola
5 years ago
Reply to  ozziechump

In your food van at the local swamp.

As we say here on our side of the planet: Keepin’ it classy. Was she having a private viewing of his Chiko Roll?

ozziechump
ozziechump
5 years ago
Reply to  Lola Granola

Did you say private chewing?

nomoreskankboy
nomoreskankboy
5 years ago
Reply to  Lola Granola

A chiko roll is like a spring roll except his roll had no spring. Poor baby!

meh.twain
meh.twain
5 years ago
Reply to  nomoreskankboy

hahhahahahhaahhaha … No spring!! love it

Mightierthanhethought
Mightierthanhethought
5 years ago
Reply to  Lola Granola

Love the chiko roll reference…not sure all will know hat it is lol

FindingBliss
FindingBliss
5 years ago
Reply to  ozziechump

In a food van, in a local swamp?! That is more horrible than the movie “The Curse of the Swamp Creature,” but also funnier, as long as enough time has passed. Wow, the fun you can have with nicknames. It would make a great cartoon from Tracy as well.

Thanks for sharing and encouraging. Ozziechump. I’m glad you left your cheater. I’m 56, devoted 31 years of my life to an entitled man child, and can honestly say now that my life is much, much better without the constant lying and whining of cheater ex to endure.

Shelley, your life is not over. The world is full of people who started everything over at ages much older than you, and they have amazing stories to tell. You too can survive and create a new and beautiful life without the lying and emotional abuse.

COFox
COFox
5 years ago
Reply to  FindingBliss

I divorced at 65 after unknown to me he had been having affairs for all 45 years of our marriage. When I realized I was trying to salvage “damaged goods” – this took six months – I divorced him and am happier than ever. I am about to marry the most wonderful man after being single one year so believe me you are still a pup at 53! Good honest decent men are out there who will give you the love you deserve.

Still gobsmacked
Still gobsmacked
1 year ago
Reply to  COFox

Happy for you. Meeting another man or woman seems to be the ultimate measure of success.
I divorced at 66 after 40 years. I’m now 72.Am I supposed to dream of meeting someone?

MyOwnHero
MyOwnHero
5 years ago
Reply to  COFox

Wow! That is fantastic, congratulations! I’m 53, married for 34 years…. two grown successful children… he decided to cheat about 2.5 years ago, found out the first time, like her, in a text threw him out, took him back only because i was still in love with him and could not see my life without him, he seemed truly remorseful, and we had had a strong marriage for many years, felt I had to try. I never quite trusted him again, always felt flags raising, but ignored them as best I could, watched the MARRIED WOMAN OF 2 CHILDREN flaunt herself on facebook as this loving mother and sexy wife… made me feel plain, overweight and pissed off like a hornet! Then, his phone died and needed a new one, I transfered his files over to new phone…pictures! pictures of them flirting, sending images of their genitals to each other. Who does that? it continued during the time we were trying again… all that time, he never let her go. The insult is overwhelming, he made me his fool! I moved into my daughters’ old room immediately, then within 2 months, I made many decisions, one of which was leave the home I shared with him for 25 years, too many ghosts, and BOUGHT a house 40 minutes away to be sure there was no turning back and a strong message for him! my divorce is not yet final on paper, but for the first time I’m living alone and LOVING IT! yes, I have bad days, depression at times, loneliness, but overall, I’m getting to know who I am at this age, 53 almost 54, taking care of myself, getting ready to be laid off after 26 years in a career, but you know what? The future is exciting, what will I become next? I want to be my own hero, love myself and accept who am today. I was a very good wife and mother, and I have a lot to offer this world, as well as one day, I hope to find someone new to love and cherish who will be deserving of me.
life is short, I lost both my parents very young, so I know what it is to cherish life and family. I won’t let him strip me of happiness and love. I still speak with him, we are on “friendly” terms. I chose that route because I wanted to show my children that you can divorce with dignity and still be able to be friends at the end for the sake of our children. I don’t harbor anger. I forgave him because i needed to move forward, to begin all over again. hopefully I will find someone one day, once I’m in my place of MEH, to love again. 🙂

Shelley
Shelley
5 years ago
Reply to  MyOwnHero

Our stories and age are so similar! They also were sending pics to each other including genitals. I didn’t know that..or even that they were physical for awhile. It all came out a little at a time..when I figured it out or bugged him until he told me. He is a liar..and.. like the book says…I could seeing a dead cat around a room and find better.

Jem
Jem
5 years ago
Reply to  Shelley

Hello!

I relate too. I’m also 53, married 27 years, 4 out of 5 kids still at home. Divorce in process. He’s been living with his mistress since last September. She’s his second one. She is 47 or something, no kids, but divorced three times, though with a PhD. She also confesses she won’t stay monogamous. So he’s “aspiring” to live an open marriage with her. They go on vacations and to concerts and do drugs and ride motorcycles together, oh, and have sex every single day. Apparently. She calls herself his “queen” and he’s her “king” and I pretty much want to gag.

Anyway. Here’s what I’m thinking, Shelley and all. I’ve been married 27 years. But you and I, we are only half way through our adult lives. Half! We have the next 27 years ahead of us! My dad turns 84 and my mom 78 next month and they’re still going strong. My dad helped me rebuild our fence at age 80!

So I’m saying the same thing I said to myself in my twenties: what do I want the rest of my life to look like? I’m determined to make it wonderful! It’s going to be brilliant and beautiful. For each of us.

kmanning
kmanning
5 years ago

Shelley, it seems unfathomable now, but trust me you do not want to be in this marriage. You don’t want to be a marriage-policing, pick-me dancing wreck. It is so much better to be alone and free from the mind f*ckery you’re in right now.

Alone can be lonely, but is also the peace of mind you get when the crazy/toxic gets out of your life. You are worth the trade.

Wishing you well (((((hugs)))))

Shelley
Shelley
5 years ago
Reply to  kmanning

Thank you

GrayDivorce
GrayDivorce
5 years ago

It is about your self-worth. Is it really better to say “I’m married and not alone” with a person who has zero respect for your intelligence or feelings? Why is being alone so much worse than being in an abusive marriage.? I’ll tell you why, because women are still measured by a mans standards. If you are alone that must mean you are unworthy of any man, which equates to being a looser. Men can be single, immersed in jobs, hobbies, friends. He is envied and looked up to. Women are pitied. Well I’m not putting up with it. I’m 55 and separated from my asshat, focusing on my kids, job, family…started back in school and new hobbies. Everything I always wanted to do but was deferred to keep him happy. My biggest revenge is to live well, as in you made your choice so have at it. As soon as my youngest is 18 I will be 100 percent no contact. Don’t get mad or sad Shelley, get even by proving to yourself that you can make your own future instead of his.

KibbleFree_MightyMe
KibbleFree_MightyMe
5 years ago
Reply to  GrayDivorce

GrayDivorce – YES! That magical 18 will come quickly. My youngest just turned 18 a little over a week ago and it felt SOOoooOOO awesome to block him! But make sure not to “delete” that douchebag’s contact, but “block.” If you delete it, then you can still get a random text from them later on, sending you spinning all over again. Block ‘em! 😀

GrayDivorce
GrayDivorce
5 years ago

Thanks for the tip !

ImAPhool
ImAPhool
5 years ago
Reply to  GrayDivorce

Yes Biggest revenge is to live well. Not just for him. But for you.

MamaMeh
MamaMeh
5 years ago
Reply to  ImAPhool

Shelley, the most awful loneliness is the one you have when you are married to a cheater.

Being alone does not equal being lonely. On your own, you will be free and mighty. You will soon wonder how on earth you thought being with him was what you wanted!!

GracieD
GracieD
5 years ago
Reply to  MamaMeh

One of my gran’s sayings: e meglio sola che mal’accompagnata. Better to be alone than in poor company.

Apart from which, when I looked back over my marriage and whether it was actually worth saving, I realised that being married to donkey fuckwit was the loneliest and most soul destroying thing I had ever done in my life. I poured myself out and got nothing in return.

I asked myself: If I was old or unwell, would he look after me. The answer was: NO. He didn’t even take me to hospital when I was in labour with our second child because he was ‘tired’. I had to call an ambulance.

If he got ill now, would I want to change his adult diapers? If I had been treated in a loving and respectful way, then I would have somehow; but in the circumstances? Nope! she can do it. Not that she hung around (less than a week) after she found out that he didn’t own the house. * Twuu wuv* His lousy choice : his consequences.

Nobody needs to be second best, or in poor company. xxx

Feeling light
Feeling light
5 years ago
Reply to  GracieD

my mother says” better be a sane widower rather being with a scandalous husband! 🙂 🙂 🙂

Doingme
Doingme
5 years ago
Reply to  GracieD

So true Gracie. When I did that evaluation after I filed amd threw him out it became clear.

He drank five drinks to my one and was always high. His hearing loss was significant,had his prostate removed, wet the bed and elected to get a penile prosthesis. I slept with a heating pad cord under my pillow.

He spent years jerking off to porn in the basement. Hoorah! He found Nanthony. THAT’S what she got and believes she’s special.

My life was dreadful. Since I divorced him he’s had many ailments and surgeries.

I dread thinking about what my future would have looked like had I stayed. I’m 61 and took charge of my life. I can’t tell you how much better it is being single.

GracieD
GracieD
5 years ago
Reply to  Doingme

Finding ourselves again is the greatest!

VulcanChump
VulcanChump
5 years ago

Better to be alone on your own terms than have an albatross of a cheater around your neck.

FeralBlue
FeralBlue
5 years ago
Reply to  VulcanChump

Hahahahahaha… I just got the visual of waking up and being clobbered by an albatross every morning you stay with a schmuck.

Chris
Chris
5 years ago

Frankly, 53 would be a great age to start over. I had to start over at 70 when I found out that my supposed impotent husband had been into on line dating and mutiple women for 6 years. What I have learned is that living solo is far better than staying married to someone who is callous, narcissistic and manipulative. Did I mention that I had to support the family for most of the 42 years of our marriage? What I have learned is that I’m ok by myself. Living a lie is far worse than living solo.

Lois
Lois
5 years ago
Reply to  Chris

Chris, you just wrote about my life. I am 70 and married to a narcissist for 25 years. I am getting ready to divorce him I got proof of his lies (and possible cheating) 1 year ago. He has had 2 (at least) emotional (?) affairs over the past 5 years (at least). (He has admitted to at least 1 sexual indiscretion ). He shared over 100 texts per day for months with the second girlfriend. He used to be an honorable Christian man. He is now impotent (???) with me. He is manipulative and has slowly destroyed my personal esteem. The way he has treated me can be summed up as callous, emotional abuse. He has disowned my daughters and our 4 grandchildren. I have been trying to salvage our marriage for the past year. I still loved him, I did not want to be alone, and I did not want to loose our small home I worked so hard to fix up. We had just gone through bankruptcy, loss of investment properties, and foreclosure of our beautiful home. (I had never walked away from a financial obligation, before, in my life) I also have been the major financial supporter for our married life working hard as an RN. I am now retired. I do not know how I will survive financially, but I cannot take this any more. I am so scared, but thank God for good friends and family. PS, Is there some way that we can chat?

Finally Free Heart
Finally Free Heart
5 years ago
Reply to  Chris

Hey Chris: I’m also 70 and have an amazing life now. I separated at 63 and felt my life had ended. I was beyond lost. But, over time, things only got better and better. Now, here I am, with a 10 month old granddaughter, wonderful sons and daughter-in-law. I have great friends, do Tai Chi several times a week, lift weights, travel and am in better shape than I was 20 years ago. I have had one marriage proposal and realized that I don’t feel the need to be part of a couple. I have learned to value the freedom I have being single. I can do what I want every day and I am so grateful. The book title is so true, we all, no matter our age, have gained a life.

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
5 years ago
Reply to  Chris

Hats off to you Chris!

And isn’t it funny how fuckwits’ impotency is selective?

KarenE
KarenE
5 years ago
Reply to  Chris

Chris, you are a shining example of mighty, for older AND younger chumps!

unicornomore
unicornomore
5 years ago

Im 53 and I had no idea I was over the hill until just now…I was too busy having lunch with my daughter, finishing my final essay for my art history class and planning my trip to Africa. I also made sweet love with my new husband who is not a cheater, but repartnering is not the litmus test for success, living your best is.

I stayed WAY TOO LONG with my cheater and in the end, I still never left…he died and the Universe took him away in a moment and I thought “Oh no what will I do?” so I went to London.

When a life-long companion can see the pain they cause by cheating and choose to just keep it up and develop deeper lies, THAT is your sign to jettison their asses. Trust that he sucks, get your half and enjoy the time you have left.

Mehtamorphosis
Mehtamorphosis
5 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

What unicornomore said ^^^^

At 56 I left his cheating and crazymaking lies to start over in a different part of the country. It wasn’t easy, but it was totally worth the effort because now I honestly believe the last chapters of my life will be the best ones, with a happy ending after the tragic middle.

Doingme
Doingme
5 years ago

Dump him Shelley. You’ll be surprised how peaceful it is when all your energy isn’t sucked by an asshole.

Forty one years and I emptied the contents of his closets on the porch at 57. I wish I’d found CL sooner.

The investment: it didn’t matter to him. Stop investing in a lame horse.

Fear: The unknown is scary at first. Then you conquer it one day at a time. I tiled my kitchen floor this weekend. I depend on myself. You can too.

The alternative is much worse. Dump him.

Paintwidow
Paintwidow
5 years ago

I had my 4th d day at age 46, I had been with him since I was 25. Even after all those d days I stayed after, he finally discarded me…..hard.
I’ve told this story here before but my kids ( who were 17&23 at the time) literally dressed me and covered me at work for about a month.
Once I started to emerge from that psychotic episode, I picked me danced for a bit because the thought of losing my life scared the complete shit out of me.
Then I accepted, got a good attorney ( who will also double as a pep talker and life coach), and started the hard work of figuring out who I was without him and how I was moving forward.
I have a nice boyfriend now, the love and respect of my kids, a good settlement, and my life is pretty nice.
I don’t speak to my ex.
I’m sorry you go through this because I know that pain.
He’s an asshole……who you thought he was is an appurition.
He sucks, take care of you.
Hugs to you.

Lulu
Lulu
5 years ago

Shelley, here are some other questions to ask yourself:

If you were suffered an accident or an illness and couldn’t make decisions for yourself, would you trust your husband to make those decisions in your best interest? Do you trust him to decide whether or not pull the plug?

If you became severely ill or when you’re much older and need assistance, do you trust this man to care for you lovingly and selflessly, sacrificing his own convenience and happiness at times to see you through?

If you think being single in your 50s is hard, do you think it will be easier in your 60s, 70s, or 80s? At some point, he might not give you a choice in the matter.

Chickynot
Chickynot
5 years ago
Reply to  Lulu

Also, Shelley (and by the way, girl, 53 is just a baby – 61 here and didn’t even hit my marathon personal best till 54), growing old with cheater would be no picnic if he’s the one to get sick first, either. And statistically, men are more likely to do so.

In my line of work, I see every day how tough it is for caretakers of spouses with dementia and other disabling illnesses. They often wind up sacrificing their own health for little reward. If the patient was a narcissist to begin with, they often get downright abusive and even violent. (Sometimes this happens even if they were sweet folks before). Your cheater has done nothing to deserve that kind of sacrifice from you. Focus on how justice will be served leaving that role for Schmoopie!

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
5 years ago
Reply to  Lulu

Lulu, very good point. A stranger would be more careful than our fuckwits.

An ant bit my tongue and I had an anaphylatic reaction. Sparkledick dragged his feet to take this chump to the emergency room, complained about waiting there and wouldn’t bring me a glass of water when we got back home.

When I remember that day I shiver.

Kibble-less
Kibble-less
5 years ago
Reply to  Lulu

This ^^^^^ Don’t fool yourself, he hasn’t been in the marriage for quite some time, you are just the last person to find out, and so was I at 48, the I “danced” through 2 years and 4 DDays because of ‘think of the kids’ and ‘what about our future we planned’, well it was all a sham, and did I mention his mom was helping him with his OW and planning our separation and divorce. In that time I lost my job twice, I had cancer surgery, I planned family trips, holidays, special gifts for him and stood by him and his family through two tragic sudden deaths. Honestly it was the cold dead eye stare when I told him I had cancer and the surgery was scheduled immediately, he wasn’t compassionate, he refused to take off work, and he didn’t lift a finger to help at home during my 6 month recovery (BTW, I never missed a day of work since I worked from home at the time). I’m still struggling with the cancer (its a sneaky bastard) and I have a new demanding job I love, I bought a house and my darling kids are both graduating college in May. My point: I don’t want to live with crazy-making, liars, mind-fuckery, projection, deflection, gas lighting, and word salad. I didn’t get married to share my husband, it was a one-to-one decision between two people, not 3,4 11 and I’m not willing to change my end of the contract. I may die of cancer, it could be a slow, painful, horrible death, or I could die walking across the street to the busstop, but whatever time left (and I just turned 50) I am not willing to compromise ME anymore. Fuck Cancer and Fuck the crazy disorderd ex and his family of flying monkeys.

Let him go and be with yourself, be good, honest, kind and fun with yourself. We are born alone and most likely die alone, we can be alone and if you don’t want to be alone, get pets, volunteer, go to social gatherings (even walking around the mall is social).

Be Mighty all by yourself, we are too here at CN, did you hear, the latest count was 19 Million chumps, not so alone would you say

Kathleen
Kathleen
5 years ago
Reply to  Kibble-less

Kibble less
I too
Had
Breast cancer & he wasn’t there at the hospital when I had mastectomy. Couldn’t take off from work but I was a fool thinking he had the moral
compass we have. Not being there for my recovery. Then when he met owhore., told me hetm”tits ate gigantic “.

I lost a breast so how can he say that to me? I was devastated but 2 years out I’m getting better. OWhore is dead & he moved in with another woman only a month after whore died. Ha..tru wuv?

But us older women can have a cheater free life that’s filled with honest decent people.

Hugs to you
???? ❤️

FeralBlue
FeralBlue
5 years ago
Reply to  Kathleen

How did Owhore die? Just curious.

Kathleen
Kathleen
5 years ago
Reply to  FeralBlue

Feral blue
The whore was walking into a Dept store in the parking lot & guy was texting.. he hit her
She was in a coma for few days then passed.

Karma…sometimes shows up.

Cancer Chump
Cancer Chump
5 years ago
Reply to  Kathleen

Kathleen, I had a similar experience to you. Strangers treated me better during cancer that my husband did. He never helped around the house and would never take an entire day off during my appointments (the few he went to). It was worse than the cancer itself.

peacekeeper
peacekeeper
5 years ago
Reply to  Kathleen

Oh (((((Kathleen))))
You are a beautiful person, inside and out!

He is trash.

Giant hugs to you!
❤️

Kathleen
Kathleen
5 years ago
Reply to  Kathleen

Correction “her tits are gigantic “

peacekeeper
peacekeeper
5 years ago
Reply to  Kibble-less

Kibble-less,
Reading today of the strength and fortitude of Chumps is beyond amazing.
YOU are so mighty Sweet Lady!
I am so sorry for all you have been through.
YOU are not alone in your fight against the MoF’er cancer! Your CN Family is beside you. Can you hear the roar!

Shelley, keep reading and read again.
Don’t bake any more cakes for him. He is not even worth one stale bread crumb.
YOU can do this!
Go to the forums with all your questions and concerns.
Along with the answers you will feel the love and support in every fibre of your heart!
❤️

Kibble-less
Kibble-less
5 years ago
Reply to  peacekeeper

Thanks PK, my story is not unique to anyone else here in CN, just the twists and turns are in different orders. I’m glad now that cheater-troll walked away, I’m such the ever-loving chump I would have stayed forever, but cancer is often that game-changer that usually makes most people take notice and stock of their lives. Ex didn’t but I did. D was final on a Tuesday, boom.

SuperDuperChump
SuperDuperChump
5 years ago

Col. Sanders never fried a chicken until he was 65.

My Dad was afraid to dance and never sat foot on a dance floor until he was 70. You should have seen him Tango with his granddaughter at her wedding last month.

My Mom never ran a marathon until she was 57. Would you like a picture of her trophies and medals?

As long as you are breathing….life is just beginning.

SuperDuperChump
SuperDuperChump
5 years ago

And….69 yr. old Ozzy Osbourne is going on tour this summer. If that worn out old geezer can still put on those high octane performances…..my Golden Years should be energy packed.

Marilyn D
Marilyn D
5 years ago

Thank you, SuperDuper, for these wonderful, encouraging examples of some things that are possible even later in life! I’m 74, three years divorced (after 47 years married/52 together), loving working part time, and doing more and better than ever before. I’ve got the energy now that he pumped off me my whole life. Thanks for reminding me there’s lots ahead and to still go for it!!

Janna
Janna
5 years ago

New favorite quote: “As long as you are breathing….Life is just beginning”. Thank you SuperDuperChump.

deedee
deedee
5 years ago

Thank you, SuperDuper. I needed to hear this today. It’s been a rough couple of weeks.

peacekeeper
peacekeeper
5 years ago
Reply to  deedee

((((((deedee))))
I hope this week is better!

deedee
deedee
5 years ago
Reply to  peacekeeper

Thank you, peacekeeper. Your kindness helps!

TorontoChump
TorontoChump
5 years ago

This made me cry. Thank you.

Diane
Diane
5 years ago

I am 58 years old! I feel so much better since I lost 220 pounds of asshole!

Kettle
Kettle
5 years ago

Shelley, do you want to spend your golden years with a man who threw away thirty-two years of marriage just for some strange? A man who thinks so little of you that he cheated on you and then had the GALL to snap about not wanting to live under a microscope?

struggling
struggling
5 years ago

Hi Shelley. I’m turning fifty this year, so a little younger than you but not much, old enough that I definitely had all these fears about starting over when he moved out two and a half years ago. I like my new life. It’s fun, it’s free, and it’s all mine. I call the shots, and I don’t have to deal with a bunch of ridiculous bullshit. The thought of still being married to him now makes me want to vomit. I am asshole-free, and it’s awesome. Hang in there, better days ahead, get rid of this jerk.

UnsinkableMollyX
UnsinkableMollyX
5 years ago

I’m 47, was married for 23 years total between two husbands. I have a 9-year-old Autistic daughter. I’ve never been on my own since early college years, when I met now exh1…
I was 44, DD was almost 7 when he left me and DD for his OWhore.
Financially, physically, and emotionally broken…still not 100% on the financial part since the bastard won’t pay child support, but overall three years later, my life is much better than it was with exh2.

SuperDuperChump
SuperDuperChump
5 years ago

I had to start completely over at 48. I lost everything including my paid for home with the beautiful Oak tree that I planted at age 25.

I am now 50.

The last 2 years have been so fabulous….I have to remind myself that I am 50.

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
5 years ago

Super, great for you. But I do feel sad about your tree. When I sold my house I had to leave behind so many trees my son planted, I can’t bear to drive in front of it.

AllaLie
AllaLie
5 years ago

Shelley –
I am also an over 50 single person (I was still in my 40’s when my divorce went through, but almost 7 years later I am still “single”). I am in the same camp as the others that say that as scary as it might seem, it might be that blessing in disguise. I was very lonely in my marriage. I use to say to my ex I would rather be alone and single than lonely and married. I didn’t expect it would happen the way that it did, but I am so much “happier” in my life. I still have kids at home, so that does keep me busy. But rarely do I feel lonely. Once in a blue moon when I am with all couples that might creep in, but this far out, that feeling is fewer and further between. (There are also some definite pluses to not living with another adult, btw.) You can do this! And you are not alone! It IS definitely scary to start over at our ages, but at least we get to get a fresh start! Hang in there!

violet
violet
5 years ago

I believe this came from CL-“Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.” The older I get, the more I realize that whatever time I have left on this earth should be spent in the best way possible. Who wants to merely go through the motions? Aging alone does not mean a life of gray dullness. I plan to use all the crayons in the box!

Amazon Chump
Amazon Chump
5 years ago
Reply to  violet

Wonderful outlook, Violet! Gosh, I was praying today asking God to let happen what’s best for me. I’ve applied for a job in Germany and am on the fence about it. The job is good, I’m sure the pay will be as well. But I love my house and my current job is good. The reason that I applied is even though I actually lived in Germany for 8 years (with my dick-ex while he was in the military), I didn’t get to see everything I wanted to see. And now I can’t really do that taking 2-week trips from the US (even if I had the money.) So, on the spur of the moment I applied for a job. I decided that I did not want to be 70 and say, “You should have done it when you had the chance!” I put in for the job and am praying that if God wants this for me, then He’ll let it happen. If not, I’m okay working where I’m at for another 7.5 years until I hit 65. I divorced my ex 3 years ago and I’m so much at peace! Walking on egg shells for years made me accept it as ‘normal’. And I guess it was ‘normal’, but it certainly wasn’t right. I’m so much happier! I did not realize what freedom was until just a few months ago. It took that long to realize that I’m free of the oppression that I lived daily. And like you, I will spend the rest of my life the best way possible. Thanks!

GetMeFree
GetMeFree
5 years ago

I officially became single at 46 and this life is so much better than staying with a manipulative, devaluing, cheating husband. As a matter of fact, I may just keep this single status for the rest of my life…

AussieChump
AussieChump
5 years ago

Shelley, I was abandoned by Cheater for his AP about 10 months ago. I’m 43. Had been with him since I was 15. I didn’t know how to be an adult without him. Just the thought of it put me in a state of despair. Now, I am so RELIEVED that he is gone. He doesn’t belong in my life. People who love you don’t treat you like that.

Please, Shelley, lean on your support network to get you through this. Join the forums if you haven’t yet. Chump Nation will be invaluable as you navigate through the unknown.

Find your worth. ????

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
5 years ago

Shelley, I know EXACTLY how you feel. I reasoned about my life the same way as you are nis. The same circumstances, except I am older (65 when I divorced), was married longer (40 years). I suffered financial losses and I had three sons with fuckwit. I did spackle and Pick-me dance. Then I came across Chump Lady and I understood the humiliation, the manipulation, the cruel power game (for fuckwit, thst is; I saw myself as an attraction in a Roman arena trying to survive an attack from a famished bear), the years of exploitation by fuckwit and his entire family of self-interested cheaters at all levels. I was lonely, but just because I was learning how to “Gain a Life”.

Believe Chump Lady and the veterans of Chump Nation: it ONLY gets better. This belief is what gets you through these stormy waters. The sun will shine.

This moment I am off to buy a pick-up truck, not a pick-me dance, for my small farm that I always wanted to own, but couldn’t afford due to Lord Sparkledick’s mismanagement of our finances (spent on flatterfucks, as I found out). l would not go back for anything because respect and peace of mind is as good as it gets.

As Chump Lady says, our greatest gains come from our greatest losses.

You will be fine.

Kathleen
Kathleen
5 years ago

Discovered affair 2 years ago, now divorced at 70
Devastated & terrified I had no choice. 35 years of what I thought was a good marriage but he was cheating with
a whore.

OWhore died recently & he now found another victim
who he lives with. I never thought my life would be like this at my age but I refused to be lied to,humiliated
& abused. It’s lonely at times & im financially strapped but my self respect is what’s important to me.

We all here at CN have similar stories but we can survive without the low class, disgusting toxic spouses that don’t care or love us . They are incapable of moral
behavior & honest love for their families.

Good riddance to evil cold & sociopaths. ????????????

Whatringofhellisthis
Whatringofhellisthis
5 years ago

I think you’re hoping for ‘the epiphany’. If he was going to have one it would have been when you originally kicked him out. Instead he weaseled his way back into your bed with more lies and manipulation. Now he’s giving you a new set of rules that includes you pretending nothing is wrong so that he can do whatever he wants. Who put this fucker in the driver’s seat?
>>He wants to stay friends with her<<
Let that sink in. That's his wish. Not an "I'll do whatever necessary to rebuild your trust in me".
Being alone is scary-ish. But what is even more scary is what happens to your body and your mind after years of staying with a cheating asshole toxic disease of a man.
I tried it for years. I shut up and made him comfortable and happy. Tried to get him to see my worth and sacrifice. And then finally when you can't take another minute of it you're too worn down and lost to even start over. I don't know how to attach a trailer to my truck. I can't rewire a light. I have no clue how to read the propane tank. I can't change a tire. I don't know how to use the log chopper thing. Very scary. Until you realize – I can learn. Or I can hire someone to do all those things until I learn. And then what do I need your lying ass for? Girl power you dumb deceitful fuck of a man.

Lois
Lois
5 years ago

Dear Whatring…Looking at divorce at 70. That’s “my” story that you commented on. He has set the rules, and I am supposed to act happy like nothing happened. He gets very angry if I cry or look unhappy. He will say things like “why are you so morose”. He will not talk with me about our marriage or our future except to say that we just “grew apart”. (I did not, he did). He will not touch me except for the occasional hug or hand hold. The epiphany never happened.
He is still seeing her. They are just “friends”. He said “I am unique and special. I can do what I want, when I want and you don’t have to know about it”. (Yes, it is true. He said that!), Not, ” I will do whatever I can to build your trust in me again”. Can you say “narcissist”?

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
5 years ago

Exactly. We can learn to do whatever all it was they were doing. We are intelligent people. There is nothing special about them. If they can do it, so can we. We just need to have someone show us how the first time or two.

Whatringofhellisthis
Whatringofhellisthis
5 years ago

Yes! Just show us and we can do anything. I spent so much time praising his manly abilities and making sure he felt powerful and able and amazing. I believed him that i would fail without him. I wasn’t allowed to have my garden where I wanted it. It had to be in the shade off to the side away from his grass. Well that’s getting moved to the sun. And I’m happily going to do it alone. And there won’t be a shovel thrown past my head. And i won’t get punished with him not coming home from the bar for moving it. ????

Langele
Langele
5 years ago

Spent so much time supporting him and praising his abilities. Everything was an argument; we could not work together…it couldn’t be here it had to be there …couldn’t be this it had to be that …couldn’t be this way it had to be the other way… he was a numbskull.
He was more busy managing me down then we were getting anything done.
Why I put up with that?

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
5 years ago

That is the good part of being alone. Nobody to please but yourself. 🙂

deedee
deedee
5 years ago

“cheating asshole toxic disease of a man.”
“Girl power you dumb deceitful fuck of a man”

Hahaha! Love it. Love constructive anger.

MamaMeh
MamaMeh
5 years ago
Reply to  deedee

Me too!! So much!! Go girl x

Whatringofhellisthis
Whatringofhellisthis
5 years ago
Reply to  MamaMeh

???????? ????????!
what’s even left to be afraid of after living for years with your worst fears being shoved in your face. living with a maniac is scary. dragging a 50 pound bag of dog food to the register wearing heels is really not scary. it’s kinda funny.

You know what happens when you pull up to the store with an empty grill propane tank. A nice man walks over and says ‘do you need help with that?’ Well holy hell yes I do. And when you’re staring at a wall of beautiful bags of topsoil wishing you could lift them into your cart… a gentleman appears and says ‘stay there I’ll get them for you.’ Well I’ll be damned.
The girl that was told she doesn’t even know how to enter a restaurant properly or walk fast enough to keep up or put items in a cart the right way seems to be managing just fine. Turns out the ‘right way’ was just without him criticizing ever move I made.

FeralBlue
FeralBlue
5 years ago

How do you ‘not enter a restaurant “properly”?

My mind springs to the Ministry of Silly Walks.
https://youtu.be/iV2ViNJFZC8

Did you slink in sideways? Piggybacked on some random guest walking inside?

The ridiculousness of their accusations is just staggering.

Whatringofhellisthis
Whatringofhellisthis
5 years ago
Reply to  FeralBlue

I almost peed in my pants
????????????????????????????????????????????

Chris W.
Chris W.
5 years ago

Ok, I have to know. There’s a “right” way to enter a restaurant? That’s a thing? I’m probably doing it wrong, too!! 🙂

Whatringofhellisthis
Whatringofhellisthis
5 years ago
Reply to  Chris W.

Ohh Chris W. I needed that laugh????

Ok so the “wrong way” to walk into a restaurant (that you’ve never been to before) with your husband to meet friends…
enter restaurant
walk over to the room with the tables
stop walking and scan room to look for your friends
locate friends

The “correct” way…
enter restaurant
walk full speed without looking around, in whatever direction you randomly choose (just be sure not to slow your pace), walk fast without taking into consideration that your friends might be on the other side of the room. walk with purpose.
Slowing pace in any way upon entry means that you are insecure and have no street smarts nor any common sense. If you don’t march fast, then you run the risk of your husband pushing you and telling you that you’re a fucking loser and leaving you to speed walk off to your friends.

You know what I just realized. I think he planned this each time. I think he asked where they are sitting before we got there. So i would look around and he could shove me and tell me i don’t know how to enter a room. fucking bastard.

WisedUp
WisedUp
5 years ago

omfg, “put items in a cart the right way”
I couldn’t either… though I was the one paying for all the groceries for 16 years.
I also was able to run a successful law practice and bring home 95% of our household income. The list was so long of things I was told I was told I was incompetent at.
Now I tune up the John Deere mower by myself when before, I had to give fuckwit $300 checks to have the serviceman come to the house and do it. I’ve also fixed broken toilets and faucets in the house and learned how to use a chainsaw.

ThebestMe
ThebestMe
5 years ago
Reply to  WisedUp

This list is funny but such a trigger. All the complaining and nit-picking of 20 years has taken its toll and now looking back, it seems crazy that I put up with it.

I could not turn the shower on correctly (turned the knobs too many times???),

I could not iron as well as him (so I quit)

I was cutting the grass every week to make him look bad to the neighbors.

I taught the kids about Santa so that he would not get credit for buying them the gifts.

I went to lunch with his disordered mother to make him miserable because he had to hear about it when she was mean. (but if I defended her I was not loyal)

I worked as a programmer so easy anyone could do it (he was an engineer),

I could not use the garbage disposal correctly (only clogged it once in 20 years),

When painting the house, I Painted horribly (but he still let me do the work)

I did not know how to talk to the children, horrible mother (yet they are with me and NC with him)

I kept the bathroom counter too full of my stuff (guilty!!!!)

and was too ugly to sleep with (took him 20 years to figure that out…)

The worse one was that I was Lazy. I did not start enough chores so he did not have to do them, I stayed home with the children. I was not doing something to keep him entertained all the time. I struggled to keep him happy until it was impossible.

My Cancer was just to make him feel guilty because he was leaving me.

It is so hard not to take it personal until you realize that even if it was all true, what weak people they are to only realize it after 10, 20, 30, 40 or 50 years. They are such a joke.

WisedUp
WisedUp
5 years ago
Reply to  ThebestMe

thebestme, that is just sickening. i’m so glad you are away from that abuser.

Whatringofhellisthis
Whatringofhellisthis
5 years ago
Reply to  ThebestMe

sadly i lived all of your examples. with a few words changed this was my life too. I hope you’re doing ok erasing these devaluations. it’s hard even when we know in our minds that it’s bullshit. ????

Kibble-less
Kibble-less
5 years ago

You Tube is my new very best friend! You are not alone WROHIT, I also “had” a list of ‘I don’t know how to…’ but my darling kids showed me how to use that cell phone for more then pretty pics and I can change tires, fix toilets, rewire, mow the lawn and weed-eat/edge, and I can buy a house! That’s right, I bought a house, all by myself, and a tree fell on it 3 days later, so I also know how to search and call somebody, get estimates, rekey doors, oh, did I mention all the crazy car repairs this past year?

YouTube! There are some really nice and knowledgeable people who are kind enough to make slow and easy videos to help chumps out, 24/7/365

One Step at a Time
One Step at a Time
5 years ago

Shelley,

I get it. Boy, do I get it. We were together 32 years and married for 30. I went straight from my parents’ home to my married home. We grew up together. We made it through the “lean times” living from paycheck to paycheck to the “retirement on the horizon time” seeing a future traveling and loving on grandkids.

I was too dependent on him. We did everything together, I didn’t have many close friends, and my kids were out of the house. He cheated with a howorker (13 years younger) who is now his wife. I was broken. My family was broken. I didn’t know what to do.

But during the “wreckconciliation” time, I figured out what I didn’t want to do. I didn’t want to be the marriage police. I didn’t want to go to sleep every night crying. I didn’t want to question every text or phone call. I didn’t want to go through receipts. I didn’t want to question. I didn’t want to dance.

But the most important thing I didn’t want (thanks to some CL tough love) was to be with someone who made a choice to hurt me, someone who didn’t respect me, and someone who really had no true remorse. Being alone is not the easiest path after being partnered for so many years. But it is a better choice than letting xhole hurt me one more time.

It wasn’t easy. It was scary. But you can do it, Shelley. Don’t give him one more moment of your heart. Please protect yourself. The person who breaks your heart will not think twice about leaving you. Take care of yourself.

All of us that are 50ish and older…we aren’t getting older…we are getting better (sometimes alone). Alone is better than giving one more breath to a person who doesn’t deserve it. Get better with us, Shelley!

wonderwoman
wonderwoman
5 years ago

Spot on! I was the same except never had children. We did everything together. I was devistated when Dday hit. Mine was the ho-neighbor, same thing.

duped
duped
5 years ago
Reply to  wonderwoman

….or he runs in front of you into the restaurant because he probably holds howorkers hand and treats her like gold….the deceitful mind F POS ! done done done !

Whatringofhellisthis
Whatringofhellisthis
5 years ago
Reply to  duped

that is a very good point! there’s always some shit evil motivation besides what’s obvious with these types. it was also a way to have me enter a gathering looking sad. no one knows why I look sad and he is all chipper and engaging. he was setting the narrative in motion before i even knew it. the premeditated nature of these things still really bothers me a lot.

Newlady15
Newlady15
5 years ago

This^^^ all of it.

MMargaret
MMargaret
5 years ago

I bet you’ll feel 10 years younger after you’re rid of him. This is what I experienced.

MotherChumper99
MotherChumper99
5 years ago
Reply to  MMargaret

Try 25 years younger! I feel (and look) better than I did at 25 and I’m turning 51 soon. I got rid of X 3 years ago this month, divorce final 15 months ago. I was terrified to be a single mother but had no choice….X refused bare minimum I needed for reconciliation.
Life is great today. Sending hugs!

NoMo
NoMo
5 years ago
Reply to  MMargaret

Absolutely!!

Got-a-brain
Got-a-brain
5 years ago

“He is saying he doesn’t want to live under a microscope and he wants to remain friends with her”

Oh, I got this one too. Don’t let him mindfuck you into believing you are controlling, you should stop advocating for yourself, and burry your head in the sand. If only you’d trust him this marriage could be saved… barf!

Line up your ducks!
1) If you live in a state with fault divorce, collect as much evidence as you can.
2) lawyer up
3) keep your mouth shut and eyes open. You are ripe for manipulation in your state of grief.
4) use your anger wisely. It took me a long time to realize that calling him out on his crap just gave him the heads up to Change course. He wants you to act clueless? Then use that to your advantage! Act clueless, but don’t be clueless.

P.S.
I think this is a good follow up to Friday’s colum and a reminder that you do not have to smile to make someone else comfortable!

Embrace your furry!

https://ted.com/talks/tracee_ellis_ross_a_woman_s_fury_holds_lifetimes_of_wisdom?utm_source=sms&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=tedspread

Chickynot
Chickynot
5 years ago
Reply to  Got-a-brain

Shelley,

Yes, can’t agree more with Got-a-brain’s list above! If you are fighting mad (and you should be !), use it to fuel your planning and think of the long game — no need to tip your hand right away. Divorcing a manipulative fuckwit is a chess game: keep a poker face, line up your ducks, talk to your lawyer, and do what they tell you. Document everything (secretly if possible) for your attorney; many fuckwits dig their own legal graves with their outrageous, egotistical behavior if they think no one is paying attention. Meanwhile, if you need to vent, do it here, we understand!

Good luck and a wonderful, cheater free life awaits; keep the faith, young-un.

duped
duped
5 years ago
Reply to  Chickynot

I don’t know how you girls did it…mine hid all his money…I believe he gave it to Fuckwhore ho worker. She was able to screw every dime out of him,. She was a bolder more conniving whore than he allegedly was….so there would be nothing left for his wife of 17 years….That’s how mean he was…..

Kar marie
Kar marie
5 years ago
Reply to  Got-a-brain

Yep. Still friends with her means i still need you as a wife appliance honey but im still gonna screw and date her when i feel like it. Yada yada yada. They are all the same. Effing pods.

NoMo
NoMo
5 years ago

Adding to the chorus: I’m 55 and I have a brand new life! It’s so awesome on the other side. 22 years wasted on a narcissistic abuser but Shelly I’m here to tell you that your best years are ahead of you if you want them to be.

It doesn’t matter if you choose exit ramp 25, 35 or 55, what matters is that you finally get on the open road and go!

Get on a good diet, experiment with supplements, get a new hairdo, buy yourself some new clothes even if it’s at goodwill. Spend some time visualizing the life you prefer and find a life coach or counselor if you need it.

You’re only stuck if you keep telling yourself you are. It’s your own foot on the brake. You always have a choice. You don’t even have to live alone, you will find a nice companion if you want one.

Leaving an abuser is like having a tooth pulled. Scary yes maybe even painful but ohhh the relief.

It’s YOUR life and it’s far from over. You just need to stop clutching those chains! Up and at em and age be damned.

KB22
KB22
5 years ago
Reply to  NoMo

Great advice!

Spoonriver
Spoonriver
5 years ago
Reply to  NoMo

I turned 61 last week. He left a year ago after 30 years. I nearly died. I was terrified – I felt like I was free falling. It sucked in every way. Standing upright was a challenge.

But now it’s like a cloud has lifted. I’m not afraid. I got stuff to do. For so long I could not imagine a new future, but now I can. Did lots of therapy, praying, crying, raging. I know there will be bumps but I think I’m done with my emotions being over the top.

I spent my birthday at my brother’s house with my daughters and nieces. We drank cocktails, ate pizza and took turns picking music to sing and dance to. If fuckwit had been there it would have been subdued and uncomfortable. The thing is we never thought about him. We just had fun laughing and loving each other.

Guess what – it is a little scary and some nights when I let my imagination go, terrifying. But it will be alright. I’m slowly finding the fun, slowly finding peace.

I date a little it’s fun in a “I hate this, I’m too old, he’s too old, I want to throw up” kind of way. Once I get there its usually fun. If I don’t want to see them again I tell them. I’m not mean, just clear. There is so much power in making that decision to only spend time with people who are good for me.

It gets better. CN kept telling me that and it is true. It helped me hang on until it happened. I got work to do on me yet, but I have faith that you and I will get there.

duped
duped
5 years ago
Reply to  Spoonriver

you are so funny… I love the “I hate this , i’m too old, he’s too old, I want to throw up kinda way” I feel the same way. I wanted to be sick when I saw what’s out there. Now I know why HOworker wanted my husband SO BAD. He was the best looking thing and smartest that I ever laid eyes on. BUT she’s still a whore, and I am still a GOOD woman and deserves better. I tried to ‘go on a date” as friends with a potbellied gross guy and I got home and said “is this what my life has been reduced to” I wanted to throw up….I cried a little…but you know what I don’t have to be lied or deceived anymore ….I will make sure of that ! I will not allow anyone to do that to me ever again !! It’s scarey, its hard to be alone but IMO you are already alone…fuckwits check out long before the final discard…they have the secret putana in the pipeline long before you ever know about it…it’s their little secret…YOU will be the last to know…and they will have gotten away with it for years….two skanks…a cheating husband and a desperate whore…a great combination/the two of them….JUST leave …you deserve better…

SuperDuperChump
SuperDuperChump
5 years ago

To all the Man Chumps afraid of starting over at 50ish:

You have never experienced mind blowing sex until you have experienced a 50ish woman who unleashes a package of her love, pain, emotions, fears, frustrations, and happiness all at once.

You’ll need 2 boxes of Wheaties, a bottle of Geritol, 2 bottles of Powerade, and a steak sandwich just to be able to function the next day.

BeenThereandWasAChump
BeenThereandWasAChump
5 years ago

Thank you for this! I always wonder ‘who would want this older lady body with its life routes showing’? This give me hope and also made me laugh. I printed it out and I’m going to hang it in my bedroom (for privacy) to remind myself there are still men out there who love women just the way they are. Bless you!

UXworld
UXworld
5 years ago

Something to look forward to. Wasn’t at all afraid about starting over without KK and her toxicity weighing me down, but was concerned about what comes next sexually. I’ll just take your word for it for the moment. 😉

unicornomore
unicornomore
5 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

My beloved was single for a long time and after we became romantic, he said he would walk around work wondering why he was sore here or there then he remembered “Oh yea”

SuperDuperChump
SuperDuperChump
5 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Get the Ben-gay ready, My Brother….

Your sore muscles are going to need it the next day.

MotherChumper99
MotherChumper99
5 years ago

Sing it, chumpbrother! This is the TRUTH!

My BF, who had been in a dysfunctional marriage for decades before his D was literally astonished by my passion when we finally made love. I was 49, he was 53. There were fireworks! Oh la la! And we are so in love 2 years later …. it is wonderful, completely and totally unexpected, but amazing!

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
5 years ago

😉 This is inspiring (and true!) All emotions are beautiful and powerful. When we don’t have to waste energy monitoring them and holding back, we can be truly open, and that is an intense thing, in a good way.

Out West
Out West
5 years ago

Shelley

I was 46 when the floor dropped out from beneath me. I was also in graduate school. Four years later my life is soooo much better. Calm. Am I lonely sometimes? Yes, I enjoy adult company and would love witty repartee with a man. However, I’m not lonely with myself. I like who I am. I’m no longer anxious, my relationship with my children is solid, my relationship with my parents has improved and I’ve made new friends. That’s not to say that some weekends I curl up on my couch or in my bed and read and watch tv and wish I had a date. But overall, life is peaceful and authentic on without a cheating ex.

Trying for Mighty
Trying for Mighty
5 years ago

I’m not sure what I can add to all the perspective provided by others–listen to them, consider their hard questions, because they are right!–but I will add my voice to theirs to tell you that you can do this.

I am 64; 35 years married, 44 years of knowing each other. D-day on his latest bomb drop was three years ago. After that latest bomb drop, I spent eighteen months spent pick-me dancing, then another 18 months deciding whether I ought to leave, taking a good look at the reality of my life, seeing how it was grinding down my mental and physical health, and then, when I’d decided a future that was more of what I was living with was unacceptable to me, I began to think about what my life would be like on my own and to plan for it, seeing a lawyer, taking inventory of my financial resources, investigating how and where I might spend my retirement years.

I moved out three months ago, my choice to let him buy me out of the house (chumps here helped me think through that decision—thank you again mighty silver queens!).

Yes, I miss a lot of my old life. I miss my garden; I miss the views out the windows of my house. I miss my kitchen. Right now I am missing seeing the flowering of the decades-old lilac bushes that I planted on successive Mother’s Days when my son was little (fuckwit would haul them up to the bedroom and then leave them by the side of the bed for me to haul down and plant on my own).

But you know what? I don’t miss him. I don’t miss life with him. I don’t miss the wounded or angry silences, the emotional withholding, the entitlement, the judgment, the lack of engagement with me, our house, and a shared life, the lies of both commission and omission, the humiliation of betrayal. I was essentially already alone while in my marriage. And so are you.

It’s early days yet, so I can’t yet say I’m as mighty as I dream of being. But I’m getting there. And you can, too.

Langele
Langele
5 years ago

You remind me-
I have a life. A good life. Live it.

peacekeeper
peacekeeper
5 years ago

Trying for Mighty,
I read your posts, and, I think CN will agree, YOU. ARE. MIGHTY.
Re read your post.
WOW, look at all you have accomplished.
Looking pretty Mighty! YEP.
Darn, now you have to think about changing your posting name!
????

Still I Rise
Still I Rise
5 years ago

Nearly my entire adult life and all of my childbearing years were wasted on a cheater only to have him discard me for his twenty-something howorker without any hesitation. Still, I have the same “I just want my life back” feeling/plea/hope and I am starting to realize that this notion is what is holding me back from gaining so much more than what I perceive was lost. I never had to do the “pick me dance” because my cheater made it clear to me (and to everyone) that he doesn’t want me anymore. He actually stated that because he is the best in everything, he deserves the best in everything, not the “short end of the stick” (aka ME!) He believes that my replacement is a fabulous upgrade and he is proud to show her off, especially via social media. I need to shift my thinking from the mindset of believing that because I am so worthless, I didn’t even deserve a reconciliation attempt to a mighty perspective that he is the one who isn’t worthy of someone with morals and integrity like me. The life I think I lost was really a facade. I’m still struggling though and spend most of my time mourning over what I thought we had together and trying to figure out what I did to cause him to throw it all away.

Amazon Chump
Amazon Chump
5 years ago
Reply to  Still I Rise

I’m 3 years divorced from my dick-ex. I kept mourning all that I lost and kept imagining that he was now oh-so-happy that he’s with his twu-luv. What made it worse was she is his own age and he kept his affair hidden for 11 years before I found out. He kept telling me that he wasn’t happy, he didn’t feel appreciated, he didn’t feel loved enough. It took me two years post divorce for the realization to kick in that if he was so frickin’ unhappy, he should have told me instead of keeping a skank on the side for years. Prior to my D-Day, I remember expressing to my sister (when she was telling me to divorce his butt) that I didn’t want to leave him because I didn’t want to be lonely. She said, “You’re lonely right now!” And she was correct. 3 years later I’m still lonely at times, but I’d much rather be a little lonely than being treated like dog shit stuck to the bottom of his shoe that he couldn’t wait to scrape off. He’s the loser! And ‘Still I rise’, your dick-ex is the loser! Believe that this time will end just like all the other not-so-great things in your life. Not everything you love is good for you, and he was not good for you. You WILL reach the day when you say, “I’m free! He’s not my problem anymore!” And you will also reach the day when you say, “Even if he came crawling back to me crying with remorse, I will not subject myself to such a self-centered prick again. I’m free!” Believe it! It WILL happen.

Mitz
Mitz
5 years ago
Reply to  Still I Rise

Wow, he is one insensitive douche. He deserves ‘the best’? What a heartless waste of skin he is to say this about his wife of many years. Anyone with a heart could never act this way! He doesn’t deserve you and never did.

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
5 years ago
Reply to  Still I Rise

You didn’t do anything to make him throw it all away. He is a delusional asshole. That’s what happened. He clearly isn’t fabulous and neither is the howorker. Only other clueless people from la la land will ever see the two of them as anything but a laughing stock. Anybody of value would rather hang with you any day.

KB22
KB22
5 years ago
Reply to  Still I Rise

That 20 something girlfriend is going to grow very bored soon and your ex will be dumped. Unless he is stinkin rich…then she’ll just have a side piece. Either way this so called relationship will not last.

Patsy
Patsy
5 years ago
Reply to  Still I Rise

Still I Rise: a 12 steps reading for you:

What if someone you loved and respected suddenly stopped speaking to you? With no reason or explanation, they simply tuned out and turned you off. How would you feel? What would you do? Most of us would probably search for a reason. We would search our most recent words, trying to find the reason why someone, particularly this someone, would turn their back. When the search turned up nothing, we wold make the next most obvious leap. We wold ask ourselves, ‘What did I do wrong?’ It is at the precise moment that we ask ourselves that question that we are going to get ourselves into trouble.
People have a right to do what they want to do, when they want to do it, in any manner they choose to do it. You do’t have to like it, and sometimes it is very hurtful. It does not mean, however, that you did anything wrong. People see the same things in different ways. Certain people may process information in a different way than you do. They may feel different than you about certain things. And even when you think you know a person, they may surprise you!
Each time you make yourself wrong for the way someone treats you, you diminish your sense of self. At times, you can be so willing to be wrong about what has happened that you make yourself wrong for simply being for who you are. At some point in life, you may simply be faced with the painful reality that for whatever reason, someone has chosen to move you out of their life. Accept that as their choice. Whilst you may feel hurt and bewildered, it does not mean that you have done anything wrong.
Until today, you may have considered yourself wrong about something that has nothing to do with you. Just for today, accept the fact that not every painful experience means you have done something wrong.

Today I am devoted to moving myself out of the position that I must be wrong because of the way others may treat me!

FreeWoman
FreeWoman
5 years ago
Reply to  Patsy

Such wisdom, thank you Patsy!

deedee
deedee
5 years ago
Reply to  Still I Rise

I’m so sorry you’re struggling through such a cruel betrayal. But as painful as it is, be thankful that he spared you the reconciliation attempt. As we all know, those attempts are usually insincere and fraught with pick me dancing, cake-eating, marriage-policing, and all that good stuff. It would have meant a few more months (or years!) of mindfuckery for you.

Someone in the comments section the other day recommended a book by Dr. Fred Luskin called “Forgive For Good”. I looked it up, and then watched a few of his videos on Youtube. I found them very helpful and calming. His premise is: grieving and mourning is necessary because we need to adjust to a new reality that we were not prepared for (had no mental schemas for). But after we grieve, we need to come to “forgiveness”, which he defines as something like, “living in peace with the concept of ‘no’ “. You might get something out of his talks.

ivyleaguechump
ivyleaguechump
5 years ago
Reply to  deedee

Deedee, I downloaded “Forgive for Good” after it was recommended. Still reading it, still processing it. CL’s book (and her website, thank you GOD) do a terrific job in helping chumps leave and get a life. Working on it.

Trying for Mighty
Trying for Mighty
5 years ago
Reply to  Still I Rise

You’re getting there. Those are important realizations.

You don’t want the life you had, you want the life you thought you had. And you were never going to get it, not because you were “worthless,” but because your cheater was incapable of building a healthy life with anyone. Believe me when I say his latest is also going to lose her sparkle, too, and take satisfaction in the fact that she’ll spend a lot of time and agony trying to measure up.

As for what you did to “cause him to throw it all away”? YOU didn’t do anything. It was HIM. Write down, memorize, and internalize Chump Lady’s wise, wise saying: “Trust that he sucks.”

thoughtsoffluency
thoughtsoffluency
5 years ago

^^^ Can I second writing out the wisdom, from both this article and the comments, and may I insist that you read them aloud to yourself every day? It may take a good long while to internalise/ sink in – brain rewiring is slow like that, after years of growing other memory-habits – but it will help you get there. Lather rinse repeat.

You ARE beautiful, wise, courageous, glorious.
You ARE worthy of deep love and respect and honour.
You have EPIC integrity and dignity.
You CAN learn new things.
You can CHOOSE: authenticity and yourself and your values.
You CAN survive this pain.
You’ve KEPT GOING. You’ve GOT this.

Mighty-making mantras 🙂

chumpchick
chumpchick
5 years ago

Shelly, I think we are twins. I left my husband at age 51 after retiring so we could travel with his job. He encouraged me to retire but had kept the girlfriend. He told me it was over and that we should spend more time together. I truly believe he thought I would not have the courage to leave, I left, I got a lawyer , apartment, a new life. It was NOT EASY, but if I could do it so can you. I hate that my adult children have had to alter their future, so I have tried so hard to create new family traditions.

It has been 1 year since I left, and would like to tell you some of the positive things that have happened. My emotional health has improved so much, I was scared, shaking, snooping, insecure, nervous,. I am now CALM, it is amazing how nice peace is. I have made new friends. I found out I like being alone. I could continue but I think you need to know that you can do it, and it will get easier. Good Luck

Attie
Attie
5 years ago

I was 51 when the Twat left – I’ve never been happier!

dmur
dmur
5 years ago

Shelly. You already are alone. It will be okay. Listen to the incredible people here tell you what life is like on the other side. It hurts but you will rise from the ashes. I read this incredible article about a burnt stump of a redwood tree and because of its root system, it was surrounded by live, thriving trees. “Despite terrible damage, the tree lived on.”

susan devlin
susan devlin
5 years ago

Unfortunately he lies to you ie, wasn’t physically with her, probably spent your joint finances on her, he wants to be friends with her!, do you think he’s thinking about you. Why don’t you ask him why he wants to be her friend, when he knows it will upset you. Then watch his face. Better to be single, then being abused (emotionally you are), you have to see him as he is now, not when you married him, good luck

Leavealyingloser
Leavealyingloser
5 years ago

None of this is easy! My mind cant even go to certain places(like that I’m alone and there is a chance that i will stay alone.) maybe because that isn’t written in stone. maybe because I’m still in survival mode. The only thing I’m certain of is i don’t want someone who has the blank eyes from hell. Or someone who laughs at my pain. Or some demon who is always trying to undermine me. It has taken me about a year to get to this point. A year away from that fuck. It didn’t just happen. But when it happens you definitely know what you don’t want.

Roberta
Roberta
5 years ago

Shelly, I am 62 now. I was 58 when he started cheating. Divorced by 60. Was it scary? Yes! But we had great assets after 41 years of marriage and I and my attorney managed to get about 80% of those. I made the mistake of hanging on until I was diagnosed with cancer! Did my soon to be Ex come to my aid to help me? Hell No! I found out very quickly after all those years of loyalty that I meant nothing to him. I even dreamed Schmoopie was standing on my oxygen hose in the hospital while encouraging fuckwit to pull the plug! Please! If you are still healthy then just get the Hell out of this marriage! You are still young by today’s standards. Look at this as a great adventure. You can do it! I did and guess who came back when HE got sick? Yep, the Ex! Turns out Schmoopie didn’t want a sick, broke, unemployed old fart. Yes, I still have cancer and I buried my cheater nearly a year ago, but my life goes on and I’m content and happy. You CAN do this! Life is better and peaceful.

Lola Granola
Lola Granola
5 years ago
Reply to  Roberta

Roberta, was that really when he STARTED cheating, or was it when you first caught him?

I hear you about the scary dreams …

You are an inspiration. Fight on.

Roberta
Roberta
5 years ago
Reply to  Lola Granola

Good point Lola. I’d like to think I would have caught on sooner if he did cheat, but anything is possible.

Lola Granola
Lola Granola
5 years ago

Shelly, I’m one of the many 50ish chumps here – or rather, ex chumps, as I’ve been Cheater Free for a number of years now.

These years have been the best years of my life. I have blossomed. When I think of the harrowed wreck I was … it’s like a nightmare; or like it happened to a different person.

I’m someone who’s had a lot of starting-over in her life, and every time it’s been hard. But every time, the butterfly has fought her way out of the chrysalis.

Find the woman you were before you married him. You dumped her by the side of the highway – shoved down her needs, said no to her, stifled her. Time to go and find her again; she is kick-ass.

You’ve done the Leave a Cheater bit. You now have to Gain a Life. And you do that bit yourself, with good friends, a safe support network, and NO FUCKING CHEATER DRAGGING YOU BACK, y’hear?

TorontoChump
TorontoChump
5 years ago

I didn’t want to be alone. I left only after convincing myself that, maybe, I might possibly find another man, some day. Now, a few years later, I am so enjoying life with just me and the kids, I am not sure I want to even ever go on another date. Yes, there are times when I miss romance, sex, being part of a “team.” But in my case, the benefits of being single have so far outweighed the benefits of being coupled ~ at least, as I’ve experienced it ~ that I think I might just stay this way: free and unencumbered.

Cut the cord that ties you to the rotting ball of trash that is your husband. It’ll hurt at first, but then you won’t believe how much better you feel. xo

meh.twain
meh.twain
5 years ago
Reply to  TorontoChump

Hey I miss the romance, sex and being part of a team too. Funny thing is, that I realised a while ago that over the course of a 25 year marriage – I never had any of that and missed it all when I was married!!

Singledom rocks!

geekmom
geekmom
5 years ago

He abandoned me – walked out of our lives and into hers on one fine morning. I was 58, he was 62. Ended a 38 year marriage with a text, and marriage his 72 year old long term AP 7 months after our divorce was final.

Yes, it was a shock, horrible, terrifying.

But I got through. Nearly 3 years later, I’m single and loving not having to answer to, or “serve,” a demanding, undeserving, asshole. I didn’t realize how much he had suppressed my personality, devalued everything I did, how demanding, how belittling, how downright evil he was.

And I have rebuit. Bought my own home and car. Doing things I love – kayaking, camping, gardening, spoiling the dog, more – that he picked on. I have learned that building/fixing things is not some magic male talent, but is just a willingness to pick up the tool and try.

Yes, I’ll be working longer, where his whore paid his way into immediate retirement. Once in a while I do miss “companionship.” But I have friends, my son – who is staunchly no contact with his father – my daughter (I’ve accepted her partial relationship with him), my granddaughter.

Most importantly, I have ME. I respect myself enough not to let him, or anyone, stomp me into the ground ever again. And if that happened at age 25 or the ripe old age of 58, it’s still turning out to be a good thing, although born through pain.

You’ll get through too.

ironhardempress
ironhardempress
5 years ago

Shucks, Lady. You will be JUST FINE. Believe me. I was 52 when I divorced husband #2 after 25 years (should have been only about 15 years) there were no kids so that definitely made it easier. I then made the mistake of getting married again too soon but since I had narcissist experience I divorced #3 lickety split when he started his crap. I made the SMART decision and got into therapy with a wonderful counselor and didn’t dive right into another relationship (although I did find a friend to keep me entertained on occasion). I got it in my head that I was fine with me and if someone came along, great, and if they didn’t oh well. I was having fun regardless. And then my Very Nice Man came along, quite unexpectedly. I was quite cautious at first, which is the smart thing to do, but our relationship has blossomed into a wonderful thing. He’s a LOT younger than me, and people have a tendency to judge, but we get along great and have lots in common including fitness (we are both trainers). So don’t let someone abuse you emotionally just because you don’t want to be alone. THat’s a terrible way to live. Going No Contact is the best way to be and the terrible feelings you are enduring now will eventually subside. I promise.

ironhardempress
ironhardempress
5 years ago

PS: I AM NOT GETTING MARRIED AGAIN THO!!! no matter how many times my Very Nice Man asks! LOL

Liz C.
Liz C.
5 years ago

Empress you are awesome! Last year I cried to my mom after I moved home that no one would want a woman who’d been divorced! Imagine! I then proceeded to reconnect with the guy I crushed on all through high school–I didn’t just reconnect, I threw caution to the wind and eloped with him after only a few months of dating. Only to realize within six months that he had an alcohol problem, and I was rebounding hard to try to ignore my grief and pain from being cheated on and abandoned by my 1st husband. Lol. Now I’m about to be a TWICE divorced woman. And I’m calm about it. It is what it is. I learned, I grew, I made mistakes. I am going to either wait much, MUCH longer next time, or just enjoy my future relationships without taking them into marriage. Like you and your Very Nice Man. You rock! Thank you for your story.

ironhardempress
ironhardempress
5 years ago
Reply to  Liz C.

SUre thing! Being alone is so much way better than being with someone who is a lying manipulative asshole…or sociopath like #3 was. I wasn’t looking for anyone AT ALL when my current beau came along and that’s what everyone told me–that someone would pop up when i least expected it!

Beth
Beth
5 years ago

Shelley, I was 53 when my divorce was final, I’m 56 now. I spent virtually my entire adulthood with my ex. I was faithful to him from age 19 until the divorce. I would have happily stayed faithful to him until the day I died. But I can truthfully tell you that my life is better and I am happier now than I ever was when I was married. It’s not just that life goes on when you divorce a fuckwit, it’s that life truly does get better without the chaos and uncertainty of infidelity ruling your life. Even without the infidelity that stained my marriage, life without a controlling, disordered man who never appreciated what he had in me or our life together is SO much better. I LOVE making my own decisions and ordering my life how I choose. Sure, I get lonely sometimes but the loneliness of actually being alone is much easier to bear than the loneliness of being in a relationship with someone who doesn’t value you.

Mitz
Mitz
5 years ago
Reply to  Beth

And the loneliness of living with someone after you know they can play you, and lie to your face!

mila
mila
5 years ago

Shelley – trust me 53 is the perfect age to get rid of a toxic person. First DDay was 2006 I was 51 then, I started a new career worked 7 days a week, and then I made the big mistake of taking him back!!!! Second DDay was September 2016. By that time I was well established in my career. It didn’t matter, it hurt like the devil and I was devastated. October 2016 I reactivated my real estate license with a broker to generate more income, as we are all well aware a decent retirement split in half makes for financial adjustments, and not in a good way!
Today I am 63, the probability of meeting someone are rather slim. I would lie if I would tell you that I am not sad and lonely at times. Of course I am. But would I ever take him back? No, I wouldn’t . Thinking back without my rosy glasses, I know that this was a marriage for one, one that assumed all the responsibilities to keep the relationship going. He was never invested in the marriage. I do believe I deserve better. And so do you.
But, again, I know it hurts like the devil, you will get through it and at one point realize, it is good to be without a toxic person in your life. A big hug in the meantime!

Ivy_Tech
Ivy_Tech
5 years ago

OT – CL, that picture of Maggie Smith made me shutter. I remember when she was a fox, not that long ago. 🙁

Langele
Langele
5 years ago
Reply to  Ivy_Tech

Damn.
Dame Maggie is in her 80s
She’s awesome.

Mitz
Mitz
5 years ago
Reply to  Ivy_Tech

A woman doesn’t have to be a fox to be of great value!

Wormfree2017
Wormfree2017
5 years ago

51 here and since leaving I’m convinced I’ve added years to my life.
My hair is no longer falling out, I’ve only had one cold this year and my eating disorder is under control!
3 month after leaving I met a man who treats me like a princess. As much as I cried before, I now laugh. I have fun with someone who wants to be with me.
Last night he did my laundry and we folded it together. This morning he’s downstairs making breakfast for me.
I never thought I could start over, but here I am loving life again. You can do it too! Don’t waste the rest of you life with anyone who doesn’t treasure you every day!

Smart Woman
Smart Woman
5 years ago

I’m 63, married 40 years. I’ve never lived on my own. I’ve never bought a house, hung a picture or not had someone to open jars. It’s early days but I’ve found a new freedom. The children call it “my new season”. If he had been honest I could have had happy memories, but no that would have been the brave and honest pathway for him to take. I will end my life with integrity, him….I don’t know whether he will ever realise the pain he has caused his family or feel remorse, as he “ deserves to be happy”. He broke my heart, but he can’t break my spirit. Whether or not I find someone else, I am complete as I am. Each day is a gift, don’t waste it on a cheater. Start a new season. Hugs, I know it hurts more than anything else but you will find a way. Chump Lady is there any chance us silver people have our own thread that we could easily find?

Neversawitcoming
Neversawitcoming
5 years ago
Reply to  Smart Woman

This!! So much love.

Neversawitcoming
Neversawitcoming
5 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Yes please

geekmom
geekmom
5 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

We’ve got this thread, but resources for us older chumps are welcome!! https://www.chumplady.com/forums/topic/silver-queens-post-chump-happy-life/

Smart Woman
Smart Woman
5 years ago
Reply to  geekmom

I can never find this as it gets lost, could it be put at the top with the others perhaps?

geekmom
geekmom
5 years ago
Reply to  Smart Woman

Yes, if we could “sticky” it, that’d be great!

Thrive
Thrive
5 years ago
Reply to  Smart Woman

Love “he broke my heart but he can’t break my spirit.”

ivyleaguechump
ivyleaguechump
5 years ago
Reply to  Thrive

This.

lemonbirch
lemonbirch
5 years ago
Reply to  ivyleaguechump

Word. For the win.

Kfindingmyway
Kfindingmyway
5 years ago

Shelly, you will survive, give yourself some time, feel all the pain and take care of your needs. It will get better. I turn 62 in June. Kicked the ???? out 17 months ago, should be divorced in 5 months. Year 38 of marriage, 3 children and 2 grands and DDay hits ,he confesses, when caught, to 20 years of prostitute use. I knew at the moment of confession that my marriage was over. The devalue alone pushed me to take action and to finally see as he grew older he only thought of himself. Nothing was going to change. I was not going to rug sweep this time in order to maintain peace. I was not going to get over it and move on. When he understood that, he ghosted me. This will always be painful, but I am better and more peaceful and my friendships are stronger. I am going to admire the azaleas and have cocktails now with people who value me, and you can too.

Morse
Morse
5 years ago
Reply to  Kfindingmyway

@Kfindingmyway – Yup it was the prostitute thing for me too, the final clincher. I hated the lying and manipulation – but I spackled those. The utter disrespect for woman kind (all of us), was the final nail in the coffin.

IslandGirl
IslandGirl
5 years ago
Reply to  Kfindingmyway

Shelly, I also knew at the moment of confession that my marriage was over. I saw it as having no choice.
A life alone or a life living with a cheater. Checking up on him and never knowing what to believe. To me that seemed like torture. I am 65 years old!!! Married 29 years. How cruel can somebody be to do this to you at that age. I have no children and no family left. I just moved out after 10 months, probably 6 more months until divorce is final. It is lonely and scary but it is better than living a life with someone who only cares about himself. I have no idea what my future holds at my age but, whatever it is, it’s better than living with a lying cheater.

WishTuesCameSooner
WishTuesCameSooner
5 years ago
Reply to  IslandGirl

Wow IslandGirl I wish continued strength for you as that is tough. But as you know already, it really is better without them. Best wishes

Thrive
Thrive
5 years ago

Just when I think I have it all together, my heart opens up and pours out sadness for the 30 yrs of marriage that blew up when fuckwit cheated on me. This is timely for me. 1 yr out, divorced, and 67 yrs old. Good message about life being change and starting over happens every day I wake up. Shelley-i am doing more fun things than I did the last few years of marriage. It isn’t easy recovering from betrayal and so worth it. I would still rather be in recovery than stomped on. Cry until you can’t cry anymore and lock that man out of the house, get a lawyer, protect your assets. That is the one thing you must do! Take care of you! Haven’t you heard – 50 is the new 40.

ChumpDiva
ChumpDiva
5 years ago

I found out about affair #3 the day after my 55th birthday. He had met with her that day…at my houze whileI was at work… it’s why he didn’t respond to my chumpy “I miss you text.”

I no longer miss him. At all. I don’t miss being lied to, gaslighted, made to believe I was the one with problems, belittled to my children behind my back, walking on eggshells at home fearing a blowup, his flainting trashy married affair partner in front of me and my kids (she propositioned my 20 yr old son). Nah. Don’t miss that at all. The levels of grief started with me grieving who I THOUGHT he was, who I spackled about covering his flawed cracks. I’m grateful I won’t be expected to wipe his shitty ass as he ages poorly because of his crappy choices.
My life is just beginning at 55. Don’t dance for that loser. Wipe that stinking pile from your shoes and walk away…run! Trust that he sucks. You can’t fix bad character.
Hang in there, Shelly. It gets better! You will shine. And wonder why you waited so long!

Patsy
Patsy
5 years ago

When does life get stressful now?

When the usual problems of life (car, tax, parking fine, etc) get juggled, but mostly ….

ANY engagement with cheater ex. Instantly I am put in the ‘worthless, unimportant, cruelty to you is normal, I can disregard you, you are not the boss of me’ blinding frustration corner.

When I think I had to deal with that 24/7 …

Shelley, there is no contest. Life is MUCH better without that cruelty and disrespect in it. Trust us on this one. I clung on for 7 years where you are, before throwing in the hope towel.

Better friends, sports, hobbies, activities. Better peace. Better kindness. He is angry at the consequences, but I can’t change him and his attitude.

Patsy
Patsy
5 years ago
Reply to  Patsy

PS I am 54.

unicornomore
unicornomore
5 years ago
Reply to  Patsy

and she is going to meet up with me in like 4 weeks !!