Hey, Chump Nation, happy birthday! The blog turns 6 years old today! Have some cake! (Or, in the proper spirit, take away cake.)
Viva la revolution, CN! We are changing the infidelity narrative. Have you noticed how “pick me dance” has slipped into the lexicon? Or how the comment sections on those blameshifting RIC articles are getting stroppier calling out bullshit? Are you detecting a certain “cheaters aren’t cool” vibe in popular culture?
I don’t think I’m imagining it. We did that, Chump Nation. Hundreds of thousands of us, around the world. We did that together.
When I started this blog, I never imagined I would still be Chump Lady six years later, or that the blog would take on a life of its own, with a book deal and meet-up groups in far-flung places. Clearly, I wasn’t the only one hungry for a narrative change and chump-centric support — the odometer flipped 19 million a couple weeks ago. That’s a LOT of chumps.
If you ever thought you were alone, feeling freakish, the sheer volume and unoriginality of Stupid Shit Cheaters Say should put your humiliation to rest. Being chumped is a very common experience — and there’s strength in numbers. What Chump Nation does is bear witness to the real costs of betrayal and demonstrates how absurd the “exuberant act of defiance” cheater narrative is. Every day we deconstruct that shit — and archive it.
Chump Nation is also a testament to resilience. That you can overcome the most shattering and intimate of rejections and rebuild. You don’t believe me? Read one “Tell Me How You’re Mighty” thread. (You can’t do it with a dry eye.) Many chumps have walked this path before, and they’re here cheering the newbies to the other side.
I am so proud of what we’ve built with this community. It’s not just a support site, it’s a movement!
Now for the news.
I am at a crossroads. I want to build on this momentum. Every time someone asks me to write a New York Times op-ed, or lobby for a TED talk, or somehow be the public face of chumpdom, and I don’t have the time to do it, I feel like I’m disappointing them. I’ve committed myself recently to taking on podcasts (more on that in a moment), and I post five columns a week, and maintain a website with traffic most Fortune 500 companies would kill for. (Fortune 500 companies with full-time webmasters and IT staffs.)
The reality is, I have to fit all my CL work around a full-time job, plus life. I don’t live the freelance existence in rural Texas any more when the blog was a quaint hobby that fit in a shoebox. I live in Washington, D.C. and the blog is a Godzilla-sized behemoth.
Imagine if you had to get up and write an 800-word essay before you left for work each morning. Well, that’s me. Now add in IT headaches, troll attacks, and a bazillion emails each week that need attending to.
I’ve been burning both ends of the candle for two years since we moved to Washington. I fear it’s not sustainable. As in, I have little life margin. As in, my inbox follows me everywhere. As in, I write when I wake up, I write all day at work, and I dig out when I get home. Either, this place must become a proper full-time job, or I have to scale it back. (I post once a week, rerun columns, and maintain the archives.) Obviously, I would prefer the first choice and not the latter.
I wish I could keep this place growing as it is and not ask you guys for anything. Of course, being a chump, I’d rather chew off my arm than ask anyone for anything…
However, there’s a solution — I’ve joined Patreon — a platform that supports creators. (When it asked what I was creating, I replied “A chump revolution.”) You’re not just giving to me blindly, there is accountability on my end, and perks for your patronage. If 1,000 of you subscribe for $10 a month, I can leave my salaried, “civilian” job and be Chump Lady full-time. You will all own me. (Like layaway, in installments… but you OWN ME!) Given this blog’s numbers, the importance of our mission, the gallows-humor fun we have along the way, and the passion and commitment of Chump Nation, it’s completely doable.
But, but! Change! Ennnnh!
I’ve created a handy FAQ here to address your concerns.
What are the benefits of a full-time Chump Lady? Should that really be unleashed on the world?
It means more content — podcasts, live stream “Ask Me Anything” video broadcasts, and me actually engaging in the comments and more on social media.
It means this support site GROWS and continues to support new chumps.
It means more Universal Bullshit Translator. More cartoons. More bandwidth. And hell, I may even actually show up at some meet-ups, because whoa… life margin!
Is this a pay wall?! I can’t afford $10 a month!
If SOME pay it forward for OTHERS, the existing content (blog, archives, and forums) will not change. The vital core content of Chump Lady (“Trust That They Suck,” “Five Things That Keep You Stuck With a Cheater,” “Real Remorse? Or Genuine Imitation Naugahyde Remorse,” and hundreds of other columns and their comments) will remain available and free to all who need it, regardless of ability to pay, subsidized by those who can and do contribute. Plus, subscribers get MORE content.
Ten bucks a month is $120 a year, which is the cost of one hour of therapy. How many of us spent that and more on Reconciliation Industrial Complex bullshit?
You mentioned perks…
Here’s the perk tier — for $10/month you get podcasts (interviews most likely, with mental health experts, lawyers, academics, and notable chumps — at least one per month once I’m up and running in June.) For $25/month you get podcasts PLUS life streaming Ask Me Anything broadcasts. For $100/month you get all that, PLUS, once your year’s subscription is fulfilled (drum roll please . . .) I will draw a cartoon of your cheating ex (or cat, if you’re at meh.)
Hang on. Isn’t this place supporting itself on ads?
It’s not sustainable. Ads annoy everyone, make the site load slower, and many have ways around them. (Google Chrome comes with a built-in ad blocker.) Ad revenue has been a helpful band-aid over the last two years, but it can’t provide the support this site needs to continue, much less grow.
If we can Patreon-enlist 1500+ (so doable!) we can kill the ads and make this site much nicer and faster loading.
I already donated. Why should I again?
Because I can’t change the narrative and support this site alone. New chumps are minted every day. Old chumps gain a life, move on, and don’t need this place. And yet, we need a place of chump-centric support. I won’t leave the interwebs to the RIC.
There are a few ANGELS who are paying it forward for the rest of us. But it’s a tiny fraction of readership, and you guys do it out of goodness of your heart with nothing in return. (In fairness, I’m terrible about fundraising and haven’t asked until today.) Patreon spreads the burden around more, and offers you bang for your buck — extra subscriber content.
There’s still a donate button (on the footer now) if you’re feeling crazy generous. My preference, however, is move support over to Patreon.
Are you getting rich off of this?
Sure. That’s why I work two jobs.
I plow most of my earnings back into this site, mostly in IT costs and lately, training for myself. (I’m now Adobe-cerfitied in Audition… hello podcasts!)
The other month, I mentioned I was tweaking the site and a bunch of you generously, without any prompting, donated $2K in a day. A beautiful, generous thing.
My IT bill that month was $3.1K.
Adobe training? $1K. And this is before my usual costs of hosting the place.
You get the picture, it’s a labor of love. Mostly, it’s not so much the money (that’s always a hustle) — it’s the TIME. There just aren’t enough hours in the day right now to be Chump Lady.
Why should I support your ass, Chump Lady?
I cannot both be an original prose stylist for a Bar association AND Chump Lady. I’ve been doing it for two years and it’s damn near killing me. Something’s got to give.
I can write sparkling sentences about Washington lawyers at ribbon cutting ceremonies, or I can drop F bombs and snark about cheaters. I mean, really, where do you think my gifts lie? (Have you BEEN to a ribbon cutting with lawyers? Do you know the psychic pain of writing “access to justice” 15 times in one paragraph? Is there anything original left to say about pro bono services?)
Please, save me from the lawyers.
But snark aside, please support this community, ensuring its future existence.
And now before we cut the cake (or snatch it from some cheater’s sticky little hands) I’d like to thank a few people.
A giant round of applause for Tempest who is Che Guevara to the Chump Revolution and all around badass den mother. She volunteers countless hours to CN on this site and in person. She’s a saint, a moderator here in the forums, and my number one troll slayer.
Another round of applause for Rebecca, our latest forum moderator. If your comment wound up in moderation over there, Rebecca fished you out. Policing our spam filters is a thankless job and she’s doing it. Rebecca’s been a supporter of the site from nearly day one. Yea Rebecca!
I’d also like to thank my stepson Whit, a software engineer, whose idea it was to introduce CN to Patreon. I’d resisted the subscription model before, and on a long train ride to Boston he pitched my husband on the idea, and how Patreon works. He also explained how CN’s passionate commitment to a higher purpose, sense of community, and interactivity make it a perfect fit for Patreon and the membership-based model of sustainment. He’s a bleeding edge futurist type, hip to the latest everything, and he gifted us with his IT superpowers. Thank you!
Also the hugest of accolades to my husband. Without him, there would be no blog, no book, and Chump Lady could never be possible. He endures my on-deadline morning grumpiness and is unflagging in his support so I can write. You can’t imagine what a sweet man he is and the deep commitment he has to CN. Let’s hear it for Mr. CL!
And finally thanks to all of you! There would be no Chump Nation without you and the support you give each other. It’s one thing to be one voice railing agains the predominant narrative. It’s quite another to have literal millions of you calling out bullshit with me. Thank you! Let’s keep this good thing going! Please support CN on Patreon! I’ll answer any questions in the comments. <3 Happy blog birthday!
Happy Birthday Chump Nation! Thank you for everything Tracy ❤️
Totally in. Been feeling bad I can’t attend the Aussie conference so contributing in this way offsets that in a way.
I hope Chump Nation and Chump Lady continue to be here for both old and new chumps for a very, very, very long time. I can’t express how much this site has helped this chump. So again- thank you!
I’m in. I pay this much for a cartoon about space lizards.
Less than a bottle of wine.
I’ll add you to my Paeteon profile when I get to work.
Good on you Tracy for setting boundaries and knowing when to reach out.
Soon after I was Chumped I was filled with wonderful at the kind people who lifted me up when I reached out my hand.
Thank you for being honest and asking Tracy. We’re here for you.
Aww, sniff. Thank you BowTie!
And I promise to give better content than space lizards. Can’t compete with the wine, however.
You saved me. I am in.
Done! I am a year out and never would have made it without CL and CN.
I’m in as long as it’s not complicated.
I am a luddite with this. And naturally suspicious of anything remotely related to my former marriage.
The only thing I really understood about what you said is you CL,, whom I DO trust, need some money to progress, and it’s probably achievable for me to do this while sitting on my ass, which is what THE DOCTOR thought I always did.
If so, I’m in.
I dunno – the space lizards are pretty cute.
Aaaaaawwwww, they are cute!!!!
The space lizards are very cute!
I’m in!! There is no way I could have walked through the bullshit and made it to the other side free and happy without referring to your blog almost every day. Tracy you have done more for all of us than all the therapists combined. Keep it up for the sake of those that will follow. God Bless You!!
What Bowtie said. I tried to put a longer post up but right now, my laptop is allergic to WordPress.
We are at such a crossroads in regard to newspapers, magazines and other traditional media. You see what was in the New York Times the other day. The mission of this blog is near to all our hearts. And we can’t “gain a life” while sucking the life out of our Chump Lady. And don’t we all want this effort to become bigger, maybe something that can launch and enhance other careers? So I’m in. It’s a great thing to be part of a pioneering effort and part of a great community.
I’m in and just signed up. Tracy, I was a relatively short-term (2 year) chump at 55. My cheater, the SpinDoctor, was in retrospect the evil, manipulative and intentionally cruel. That I tolerated what he dealt still astounds me, even 18 months later, which is why I continue reading most days. I do not doubt that he is doing even worse to his current partner(s), because she (they) are much more vulnerable than me.
We need do need to change the narrative.
I’m in. Even at meh I still like to look back at the absurdity of it all and Trust that They Suck. And when I think of the coping mechanisms that healed the most and cost the least, Chump Lady is a bargain.
I no longer need CL every day. But somewhere right now a chump is lying in a bed in so much betrayal and pain they don’t know if they can get up, and my measly ten is for you. Dig deep, you can do this. Your walls will sing again.
Isn’t that the hardest part? Knowing that there are so many people who find out every day that they are chumps? That they are at the start of this struggle and have so much crap in front of them?
It breaks my heart.
But also makes me realize this nation must not only continue but get stronger and roar louder!
CL has also helped me professionally in sniffing out bullshit manipulative behavior – Disordered folks abound in the professional setting too.
Luz, you have to post here for the newbies, because your writing is hysterical. Girl, you can turn a phrase! Thank you!
That’s me. Deep. Deep in the mindfuckery and pain. And geez. As IF we needed the FAQ on why Chump Lady needs a life/decent living – scroll scroll scroll sign me up NOW!!
Tracy, seriously, YOU SAVE LIVES AND SANITIES (such a word?!). Once upon a time us chumps would be in sanatoriums with all the other “hysterics”.
You are a fucking hero. Sometimes Chump Nation is the ONLY place I don’t feel crazy. Hope you smash that dollar goal and I reckon you will within 24 hours. If I can afford the time/money – and manage childcare – I will try to get to Newcastle. Big hugs to all in CN and especially you, CL.
Not at meh yet but its in sight. Because of you.
THANK YOU Tracy
I’m in ….I’m a stronger better person than I was a year ago. I read every day – some days to laugh some days to cry – but mostly to stay strong and know that I am a great kind loving human being a great parent and a sane person. I need this site !
I’m in too… can’t imagine a world, my world without you Chump Lady. Your advice, the advice of my fellow chumps, is worth more to me than the two months of therapy I took. I stopped therapy because of this site. You are invaluable Chump Lady and even though I am way better than I was on day 1, I still turn to you everyday. Live on CL and CN!!!
Congratulations on your six years! I had no idea. I can tell by reading the many responses you have helped many people here. It is also good for people who are in the same boat to have a place to share so they don’t feel alone. It is really good when a new chump posts here and gets assistance from others on to proceed to protect themselves on the legal end.
May I make one suggestion? Is there a way to make the print a little bolder or darker? I don’t know if it is me but the copy seems kinda light.
Keep up the good work and I am sure you will be doing all these awesome things.
Hoping to do a redesign soon with Magazine theme. Will consider new fonts. I think the quotes here (in the grey box) are very light too.
Please add a “like” feature or equivalent! ????
YES!!! A like feature would be great.
A like feature would be really cool and I’ve looked into it, but it’s actually really complicated to change the comments features. I’d have to use a different WordPress plug-in for comments and the big issue is changing all the BAZILLION of comments that already exist on this site in archived posts. (Can you go back and “like” a comment from 2015?)
It’s a database issue, moving all BAZILLION of comments to a new platform. This site has a lot of engagement and comments, and unfortunately I haven’t been able to switch from the stable ol’ Jetpack comments. If some WordPress developer out there has a better idea, I’m all ears!
Well, I see a like button on Patreon. Yay!
Yes, please a”like” feature! ????????
Chump lady you consistently kick ass. People take notice! I love it that the narrative is changing!!!
Just done!…… I truly credit CL/CN for saving my life. No way near Meh, not sure if I ever will be but I’m alive and begining to feel better about life and what it has install for me.
See you down hear in Oz soon Tracy????
I’ll be there with jetlag and chump power! Looking so forward to it!
This is great Tracy! I’ve just signed up. Can’t wait to hear your podcasts. I’m sure we’ll all have plenty of laughs.
And really thrilled about the catchup here in Oz next month!! See you there!
First, get real, $120.00 for an hour of therapy, maybe after insurance kicks in, in the greater DC area.(Winky face)
Is there a “non-traceable” way to pay for this? In the midst of divorce, I would never want fuckwit to come close to the chump lady site. I have to submit all my credit card records, PayPal etc in this divorce which lingers but I have always had it in my head that I would be giving you a donation once this crap of a divorce is final.
It’s Patreon charging you, not me. 🙂 They’re the middleman.
That would count me in. I just hope that it wouldn’t preclude all the desperate chumps for who paying is not an option.
This site has been a lifeline!
She does say in her explanation that the existing content won’t change. Those who can’t subscribe to the special features will still get loads of help if we all keep participating in that part of the site. (CL, you are the greatest.)
Oh my goodness. Please, people that are going through this divorce process should not have something as glaringly obvious as this site if their spouse has access to it. This is our sanctuary. Do not donate here when every penny is being scrutinized. Let the others help out here and that’s what this is about. This is the kind of site that people take care of other people. I’m not the only one – there must be many, who want to pay it forward, and I can afford the “Patron cup of coffee every month” . Then, when you are back on your feet, well, like me now, the world is your oyster. (High^5Tracy)
Great idea re the prepaid VISA. I was wondering the same thing about donating under the radar. I’m saving cash until I have enough to do this. Cash, as far as I know isn’t traceable. Also, is it possible to buy a one-year subscription at a time? Or will I need to keep infusing the VISA card every month?
I am such a luddite, and certainly am not used to sneaking around and doing anything under the table. Cheater got all those skills.
You can buy a prepaid VISA card for $10 or $20 and then use that to pay for your subscription. Most grocery stores or Walgreens sell them. If you have to put it on your CC just say it was gift card for a friend or family member. Better still, pay cash for it if you can so it’s even less traceable.
Thanks for the prepaid visa idea for an online purchase! Never would have thought of that. The beauty of having this forum!
Another valuable chump-to-chump gem of advice! Thank you. Burner cards… that’s practically out of the cheater handbook. Brilliant!
Any cheater would have known this … isn’t it ironic that we don’t?!!
Not ironic, Dixie Chump. We don’t think like they do. I prefer it that way! Doesn’t mean we can’t watch our own backs w their sneaky techniques!
You can probably also buy a prepaid visa from a grocery store and use that to purchase the subscription
Perhaps I’m too far along at meh to appreciate the fear of being found out, but having been to court on multiple occasions battling my ex for much bigger issues, like child endangerment and neglect, I don’t think paying $10 a month to belong to a suppprt group is going to tank any case.
I would pay for it and tell the truth when questioned, IF you’re ever even questioned about something so small – ” I belong to a divorce support group for those affected by infidelity. It’s $10/month. It’s title is Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life. We can deduct the $10/month off the settlement if this is an issue…”
What is there to accuse you of? Undue influence?? Over spending??
I say – Own it and no need to apologize.
CL – This success is a good problem to have. Will sign up – you’ve help me in so many ways.
Happy Birthday CL – I just signed up and it wasn’t hard at all. Gosh I remember 35.00 co-pays for MONTHS and the sessions didn’t help me understand what had happened to me the way your site has so thank you for your platform.
To all CN – sorry to be capitalistic here but the reality is that our support of Tracy shows the RIC that 1) the narrative needs to change and 2) it is profitable to be on the chumps side. Money talks in the end and until they realize there is a LARGE group of us willing to forgo our capital for this new narrative they won’t change their tune. Let’s help show them the way!!!!
PS – I am giving up fast food 4 times a month (will stock ramen in the office for when I forget to bring my lunch)
Oh man, ramen? A guilty thank you from me!
I feel strongly about changing the Narc narrative. It IS changing. Narc underground? There’s no such place. There’s no place to hide. And not to say all narcs are cheaters. I’m amazed by the ones capitalizing on the USE of their very own narcdom. I’m reading things like, “I own you” and calling the victims ‘Volunteers’. What this tells me is that we ARE changing the narrative. We know the numbers of those identified is a fraction of number. Love your mighty post.
As the person who begged (she needed to be begged) Chump Lady to put up the donate button, I AM IN!!!
I volunteered to be a moderator to try to relieve some of the stress on Tempest and Chump Lady.
I’m thrilled to do my minuscule bit but chumps need to know that this site is 24/7! Chump Lady STILL has to monitor this site constantly. Sadly, there are chumps desperately reaching out with horrific stories in every time zone.
Chump Lady and Mr. Chump Lady are really, really great people. They march, they support their family and friends and many philanthropic groups (remember when we made Christmas happen for a group of destitute children?). They are just like any one of us trying to raise a kid, work too many jobs, volunteer and just make it all happen. I can attest to the fact that CL is stretched to the max!
I’m years out from my horror but this blog saved my life. I’m here now to pay it forward. And I’m happy to just pay…
I’m in! I could tell from your recentes frequent reruns (which I enjoy and profit from anyway) that you were VERY busy and I was feeling guilty!
I am proud and profoundly grateful to be part of CN.
Thank you a million times. You save lives of chumps and their Kiss.
Happy 6th Anniversary T, CL & CN!
Count me in for ongoing support. In my darkest hours, when it looked as if my cancer had metastasized and I kicked my cheater out for good, you were there for me.
You seemed to know just what I needed to hear in order to keep putting one foot in front of the other. I can’t imagine an Internet without your voice and the voices of millions of chumps.
Thank you! I am so very grateful.
Consider yourself patronized, Chump Lady. Best 10 bucks a month I’ll ever spend.
I’m totally in.
It’s the least I can do for everything I’ve gotten in return. Before CL I never would have conceived of such help, guidance and support coming from a blog and online community.
Happy 6th Birthday, chump lady has helped me in ways she will never know. I knew she worked, and had other commitments. She has helped chumps realised its not about them its about the cheater. I think chump lady is more important than she ever realise. Thanks
I am in. Without you, CL and CN, I would still likely be in hell.
Wanted to add. In the aftermath of final DDay I told my boss about what I was going through and also asked for recommendations to lawyers. He was very understanding and also pointed out that my work insurance covers 1000$ worth of therapy per year. I said, “Shrinks? Thank you, but have CL and CN”. I added it was my life saving blog. Not sure he understood it but I am here almost 2 years after and fully credit you with lucidity and mightiness that helped me get through. And humor and snark every morning on the way to work – what can be better?
In 2014 after being discarded and erased after spending s total of 41 years with a manchild (the Limited) who led a double life, my therapist suggested finding a blog.
Somehow the stars must have been in alignment as I found a therapist who nearly jumped out of his seat telling me he was a narcissist and it would kill me if I stayed. Still loving my abuser, I filed.
What the fuck good would a blog do when I felt broken beyond repair? Instead I became obsessed with narcissism. How the fuck could an intelligent woman like myself have Stockholm Syndrome and allowed this to happen.
Somewhere in my obsessive search for answers I stumbled upon this image of Chump Lady and found my tribe. Holy fuck there were others LIKE me; a very Nation of support was right there and I knew I wasn’t alone.
Chump Lady, you literally saved my life. Along the way the meetups were born. I recall crying thst first day and over time developed strength knowing and befriending some of the most amazing people I’ll ever meet.
However, it was those amazing Chumps near and far who shared their stories, offered support and made me laugh between the tears that made me choose myself and heal. For this I will forever be grateful.
I’m in for the revolution and want to give back! I’m in. And Tempest before Dday I wanted to get dog and the Limited didn’t want one stating it was too much work. I’ve decided to get one from a no kill shelter and I’ve decided to name her Tempest.
I LOVE THIS STORY. God, there is no better way to honor Tempest than name your dog after her. She is the dog (and chump) rescuer.
I’m so glad for the chump IRL meet-ups. I love it when people make chump friends in that new life. <3
DoingMe–you just made my year! I will be honored to have a dog named after me, especially a shelter dog. You were one of the key people who helped me through the horror of D-day and its aftermath, when I could only eat 500 calories a day out of grief & anxiety. Your wisdom was critical to pulling me out of vulnerability into take-no-prisoners mode. Love you. xo
Right back at you Tempest! ???? Five hundred! Haha, I’m not sure how many calories are in a bottle of wine. I downed quite a few those first six (or so) months.
Let’s kick some ass on this revolution!
I didn’t mention that at least half those calories per day were from gin gimlets!
@doingme, Before dday I cried all the time. Post dday, it was weird, like I lost the ability to cry. Sometimes I feel like crying and think I should cry but I can’t. I don’t know what the mechanism is. Some days I really appreciate my new stoic attribute but other days I feel like what the fuck is wrong with me, why can’t I cry?
Enough babbling, point is your story was so moving, it brought me to the brink of tears, but, damnit, I can’t cry! Thank you for sharing!
Love you Feelimgit! A friend once told me here would come a day when the tears would stop!
The other day I lost my debit card, had no gas and scraped three dollars of change to go to work. A perfect stranger threw out a ten dollar bill and said make it 13.00. I cried right there at the register. There is so much good in the world. Here’s to happy tears of joy!
Doing, what a great idea. Tomorrow I have to send my 13 year old dog to the happy hunting grounds and want to get an abandoned pup. I will call her Luz: it means light in my language, which I received here at CN, and because I love Luziania’s posts, every time I go past the butcher I remember her Cold Slab of Meat.
That’s awesome !!!
Haha, Cold Slab of Meat! I’ve often thought the beauty in this sight is the connections we make with the names. Accepting that our own spouse is a disordered fuck is by far a difficult task UNTIL the similarities jump off the pages and the abuse in our own life becomes recognizable.
Luz, is a beautiful name as her posts do bring us light and clarity! So sorry about your beautiful dog.
Oh, CW, what an honor. My daughter and I, who is also 13, are in the car having a hooky doctor appointment day. Her name is Anastasia Luz, which as you know means ‘The Light Of Spring.’ Back when I cared about the smear tactics of Cold Cuts and the Sluterus, I flipped it to Louisiana’s nickname for anonymity. I’m safe now, and IDGAF what they are doing. That’s due to the friends I made here.
We also have a 13 year old boi dog named Tim. I am so sorry for your losses. Both Ana Luz and I wish you and your baby pup all the best in your New Light Of Spring.
Just want to say I’m sorry that you’re losing your dog. I lost mine a year and a half ago and it’s compounding the grief of this whole shit show. I’m working on a degree and will have a new career by the end of the summer. Can’t wait to get a shelter pup once I’m settled in a new job and new house. I’m glad you’ll find a new fur friend, too. There’s nothing quite like a dog to lift our spirits.
I’m in. Happy 6th birthday! It’s fitting that today is also my last day of trial. I’ll be free of the cheater starting today. Thank you Chump Lady 🙂
WhoHOOO! Good luck in trial today! Give ’em hell. 🙂
Mavis – way to go. Hope it goes smooth
Thinking of you today, Mavis. Godspeed you on your way.
Hooray for you Mavis!
Yea Mavis! Good for you!
Way to go Mavis!!!
I’m in, too, Tracy. Happy Chumpiversary, Queen CL! A MOVEMENT, indeed! I Swear I can hear bars of Arlo Guthrie’s Alice’s Restaurant Massacree in the background as I read your post today, in 3 part harmony with 8×10 color glossy photographs with circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back. At the bottom of the dumped trash heap of my devastating betrayal, I found directions to your site 9 months ago. You literally saved me from the jaws of oppressive RIC shit-sandwiches-for-life. I don’t need to wait for the chorus to come around on the guitar next time, I’m with you. And this fine, loyal Nation that has sprung up around you. We are using our Chump superpowers for GOOD. I love ya’ll. Words can’t adequately convey my gratitude for my new life. Peace out.
I’m in too. I really don’t know where I would be with CL and CN. The support and advice is truly amazing, saved me hours of therapy and thousands of dollars of legal fees I’m sure.
Kudos to you for asking clearly for what you need – I am in awe of your mightiness Tracy! Would love to see more of you in the mainstream media calling these cheaters out for what they really are – entitled, selfish, destructive toddlers in adult bodies. Toddlers who honestly cause problems everywhere they go – home, work, church, community.
In. Is late here in my part of the world. Will sort subscription tomorrow.
So in xxx.
…and done. Thanks Tracy. I have cited Chump Lady in my geographical scholarship. It is that powerful x.
Count me in. I’ll toss some coin your way when I get off work tonight.
This has got to keep going.
This site saved my life. I’m meh, but still check in often. Tracy has a gift and I believe she has created a movement where the pain of betrayal is laid bare, sliced, diced, raged at, and ultimately healed.
Without her, I think I might still be with a raging sociopath. This site allows us to vent, spew graphic obscenities, laugh, cry, rage, offers support, advises, educates, and places you on the road to healing and a better life.
No doubt I want a 24/7 Chump Lady!! With podcasts and stuff!!!
I’m in. Happy blogaversary Chump Lady!
I’m in also, have wanted to donate but thought I would wait until D is finished. The date for mediation is now set, so in five months I should be able to truly start on the path of Meh. This site has saved my sanity, the glorious laugh about f-bombs and snark this morning was priceless.
Thank you, power on, but don’t change. I am surrounded now by divorced women and others in the process, I always refer them to your site.
There is not another place to get advice that works and helps and stands the test of time. I’m almost 17 months since d-day and kicking the ???? to the curb. I was mighty, took all the right steps to protect myself. I was so raw when I first posted, CL let’s me know I was mighty, and that the journey would be hard, really hard, but finite. Thank you, I look forward to your journey, You are the mightiest.
So, I think I’m a patron:)..but I didn’t give any financial info yet…I tried to sign in once I was a patron but it doesn’t recognize my email…I’m assuming they contact us once the 1000 patron mark is met for the financials?
On another note, CL and CN have been a big part of my life in the past two and a half years! Mostly it has given me confidence to walk the walk and talk the talk about my personal experience being married to a disordered cheater. I feel strong and confident and calm in my life in large part due to the validation I have gotten when I read this blog. I try to do my part in changing the narrative as my thank you to Chumplady. The 10 bucks a month I view as an easy step forward to fight this necessary fight.
You have to give a payment method to truly complete the registration. Perhaps you can try again.
I want to thank everybody! I’m heading out the door now to work, but OMG — you’re all so awesome. I’ll be checking back in. Please, if you have any questions or suggestions, post them here.
My plan is to begin podcasts in June — just because half of May I’ll be in Australia or in the lead up, preparing for it. Also in June I’ll begin with live-streaming, which requires a subscription to a groovy webcasting software that works with Patreon. You can type questions, discussion topics, and we all can riff.
The next Patreon giveaway I want to do is ringtones. Like, you can hear me say “Trust that he SUCKS” as your designated fuckwit ringtone. Or “No contact is the path of truth and light.” 🙂
I would LOVE a Chump Lady cartoon of exh2/The Evil One wearing a DILLIGAF shirt puffing on his vape!!!! Hahahahaaaa, that would be awesome
No TTHS ring tones for me, I have no idea what fuckwit’s number is. Totally NC. But would love a mighty ring tone to use eith my sons’ numbers.
EEEE! Bugger, I haven’t been checking in, and missed the Oz trip. Andd wish I could get over the ditch (Tasman Sea) to see you, CL! Next time, PLEASE include a trip to New Zealand! 😉
You got me!
My catch phrase in ringtone form?
To the budget I go to find $120
How timely. I was thinking just the other day, “how does she do it”. Writing the column, chiming in on the forums, the unseen organizational work; chumplady is a philanthropist! Happy to contribute!
Like Rebecca, I also am a few years down the line from the horror. Chump Lady wasn’t an option when I was wading neck deep through the toughest thing I have ever had to deal with. But Tracy’s snark and wisdom helped me make sense of it all, and helped me stop blaming myself. Better yet, she enabled me to spot and evict the remaining cluster B’s from my life. And lastly, I am finally fixing my picker. I can spot the disordered from much better now, and deflect them when they pop up for a sniff. (Really? Bye Felicia/Felipe!)
The ongoing humor, snark, and compassionate love here is certainly worth the price of a couple of lattes a month. Plus I really do believe it’s a great thing to stick around to pass this good stuff along to new chumps.
????????????Count me in. ????????????
Gahhh, auto correct…just much better…not from much better….
Happy Birthday to the blog and many thanks to CL and all the people she mentioned!
I’m in! Out of all the books and blogs I read. Counseling with four different people. Chump Lady was by far the biggest help to me (thank you again for replying to my email with a blog post!!). I still read each day for a laugh and to continue to strengthen the new neural pathways that I wasn’t the problem. He was the problem from the very beginning when my gut was telling me something wasn’t quite right with him and also way back in 1992, the first time I thought he was cheating in some way! The TRUST THAT HE SUCKS neural pathway has deep tracks and is lit up like the sky of the 4th of July!
It’s sad in a way that I’m paying it forward to future chumps. But we all know there will be future chumps.
And as for the cartoon of our cheater. Any chance you could could hold a raffle or something for that? I can’t afford $1200, but I’d be in for a raffle of some sorts to try to win it! Just an idea. Also, I’d purchased butt face cheater and they cheater and schmoopie on the beach too if you had them for sale at your store. Thanks, Chump Lady. 🙂
Count me in too. In fact if I hadn’t just lost half my stuff I’d be in at the $25 or the $100 level. And ChumpLady if you want to practice your TED talk in front of anyone with public speaking experience, ooh ooh I volunteer!
I’ve only been part of the Chump Nation for a few months but I honestly wonder whether it would have given me the grace to leave during the first round of D-days ten years ago (maybe not – I was mainlining the hopium at that point with three children [the youngest conceived while separated and who was born with a complex congenital heart defect]).
The most valuable thing I have learned from this site is grace. Knowing that there is a playbook for my narcissist and it’s so damn contrived allows me to “pause” each time I get an entitled email, a stomp his feet rage or a momentary offering to indulge in the cake he so wishes was a mainstay of my diet. That grace for myself and my children (particularly in reading the comments on these posts) – the grace to not engage, not stay in the “loneliness purgatory” and not continue to despair for a future he was never prepared to share with me (together or apart) is my bedrock. It allows me to proclaim my chumpiness knowing that I have my character intact and will not continue to eat the shit sandwich of blame-shifting that he fed me for almost the entirety of a 17 year marriage.
Thanks to CL and CN – my port four months out (jeebus – has it only been four months?)!
Kibbled Again -: YES THIS EXACTLY! Beautifully put.
Yes! Chump Lady is worth it! UBT is worth it! Cartoons are worth it and snark therapy is worth it! Saving my sanity, definitely worth it.
I love this site, it’s my “daily devotional”, LOL
This group saved me from a lot of unicorn searching. The spousal support received, I just consider it a way to pay it forward. And for someone who is financially strapped because they are still in the depths of their own clusterfuck, I’d love to sponsor someone else so they don’t miss out. So if there’s a “buy one, donate one” feature, that’d be really cool too.
I’ve said this before, but when I went away to the beach alone for the weekend to get my head right and gather my mightiness, Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life was one of two books I read. I highlighted the shit out of my book. I realized that Douchebag McGee was nothing unique or special and the things he said and did/didn’t do were from the cheater playbook. Nothing like a ‘open your fucking eyes and stop opening up your legs to that m-fucker’ moment.
Just became a patron! I can’t adequately express how helpful Chump Lady has been to me over the last three years as I have divorced a narcissistic cheater, regained some long-lost confidence, and learned that, in fact, I CAN raise three small children on my own. The more time and distance I have from the cheater, and the more I read posts and comments on Chump Lady, the more clear it becomes that my cheater was a textbook asshole who never deserved any of the chances I gave him. Tracy, you’ve helped change me from a people-pleasing doormat to a mighty mom who recognizes and preserves my own worth, and I will be forever grateful!
Thank you for writing this blog…it’s what I turn to each morning for strength to face the day. The feeling that you are alone/rejected at the beginning is devastating. The way the cheaters spin words and actions is crazy making and confusing. We need you to continue your wonderful work helping those who are facing the same life changing experience. Thanks to you and commenters, I am getting my life back
Let me just say that I ran a website (nothing even close to the scale of CL) and it it a lot of F-ing work. Not to mention hosting fees that come out of you own pocket, ever changing code compatibility issues, database issues, etc. This is a lot for someone who is self taught, and I didn’t work full time.
I took the site (with 700 incoming links and lots of comments about how helpful it was) down this past year because I couldn’t afford the hosting fees. It was a sad day for me.
I promise CL when this divorce is over (god 3 years is a long time in the land of divorce) and I’m getting some sort of court ordered support from my six figure income earning ex, I will subscribe. Final trial is set for July! My life and subscription hang in the balance of the judges ruling.
Right now I am selling household items to buy groceries. Yes my lawyer is the worst on earth apparently, but boy does she know how to close the deal to get your retainer. I could rant on all day about this, but I’ll spare you.
I’m not in marketing, but does anyone do sponsors anymore? Is that an additional option? I have a feeling you could pitch the hell out of CL!
I’m rooting for you!
Got a Brain, you are mighty. 3 years is a long time to fight! Stay strong ????. The end is in sight.
Saying a prayer for you gotta rain. I have loved your Handle since I started on cl and your posts have helped me through many a day. My trial is scheduled for June- 15 months from filing and I am wearing thin. You are mighty and you will survive gotabrain.
I hope your judge gets it!
Happy Birthday to CL & CN! I’m so thankful for this website! It has made my journey out of hell so much more manageable. I just signed up with Patreon. My hope is that every chump will find this place of understanding, support and love. Congrats, Tracy!
I’ve signed up. I cannot tell you how much you have helped me, how every person on this site has moved me forward. Thank you and I look forward to this new Chumplady chapter!
I’m in Tracy, you’ve answered my letter before, this whole chump nation has kept me sane and pulled me through some really dark times just simply reading your posts and the comments from the wonderful people on this site. Just knowing I wasn’t alone is so important.
DONE! I’m fairly new here, having found you in January, just after FINALLY filing….after discovery the 6th or 7th time he cheated, and finally said “I’m out!” I knew it was the right decision when the very next day after I kicked him out, I checked our joint account and sure enough – I see a payment for a year subscription to OKCupid. When I asked him about it, he said he’ll get lonely and “needs people to talk to.”
Your words, and everyone here, have made me laugh, cry, smack myself in the face and just generally survive lately. Final hearing is up in just over a month on May 23rd and then I’m free. Not psychologically, but it’s one step, right? Thank you for all you do!!
Very happy to support your effort! As a recipient of very bad, guilt invoking, blame the victim marriage counciling followed by pre and post divorce individual therapy filled with messages of how my thinking about cheating was “wrong”, I just cannot thank you enough for creating a safe place with sound, common sense advice and encouragement. You’ve made a huge positive difference in the world and given chumps a voice, a platform and a community of support.
I hope you get 10 million subscribers! I’d like to see you on the cover of Forbs.
Happy bday CL and CN and Tracy
I just signed up for the monthly subscription.
Even if i don’t visit here everyday, knowing this amazing group of people are here whenever i need is a great comfort and helps me on my way to meh Or maybe I’m already at “meh”. I don’t know. Maybe it doesn’t even matter as long as we move on and move forward.
“Even if you fall on your face, atleast you’re moving forward”
This site has been life changing, I read it daily and sometimes more than once a day. I am in. Happy birthday!
Rooting for you!
Of course I’m in. Glad you did this Chump Lady. 🙂 Slay the RIC!!!!
Happy happy birthday! As a chump in Alberta Canada I am thrilled to be able to join this movement. Count me in!
This blog was a life saver and education for me ( the number of words I have had to research is astounding) and ohhhhh what an education it was! After 42 years of marriage and working in the nursing field I thought I had some pretty well-rounded knowledge , but I have been shown in this blog just how wrong that was!
I have laughed and cried here almost daily for two years now and I agree with others this has been better therapy than any I could have found anywhere else!
This MUST carry on – Tracy and Chump nation are an invaluable resource, there is no way to put a price tag on this, ever!!!
(Wave) Thea. From a former Albertan forced to move east for work. It’s hell in Ontario.
I’m in Alberta too! 🙂
I just signed in for the $10 a month pledge. (hope I’ve done it right..) You truly saved my life I would never have had the courage to leave STBX if not for CN after 26 years of marriage & 3ddays that I know of. Wish there was CN 20 years ago ! Any who I cannot go a day without coming to visit your blog. I can’t wait to meet you in OZ I have already bought my ticket & am soooooo excited !!
Yep just got the confirmation email – all good Happy Birthday !!
Happy birthday, CL! You are truly making the world a better place for so many of us and I am delighted to help you keep this alive.
One suggestion, though. I am not sure how many brand new chumps who are in desperate need of CN and who may stumble upon it, would be ready (or able) to start a paid subscription in those first traumatic days of chumpdom. Would it be possible to allow all new readers a few weeks or so of free membership?
JustWondering, my understanding is that signing on as a patron is entirely voluntary and won’t change free access to the blog. The blog will remain as it is, freely accessible to everyone – there won’t be charge or subscription. Becoming a patron will simply allow Tracy to do even more of the good she’s already doing.
That’s my only reservation too. When the shit storm hit me and I was looking around online for something to help me make sense of it, I came across lots of subscription sites. There is no way I would have signed up and paid for anything. What gave this site credibility was that it was free, and had so many amazing contributors besides CL. Finally dealing with some genuine human beings. So will this change and how if so, how long before someone has to pay to read? What about the forum?
Put it simply, when I found the site I was suicidal. If I’d been asked to pay something, I wouldn’t have read anything. Instead I would have thought “More charlatans and liars trying to take advantage of me”. I don’t know I would have made it through then.
Again, there is NO PAY WALL. My site is FREE.
(Well, point is, it’s free to all users. It’s never been free to me. I pay to operate it and try to cover its costs.)
Tracy, you saved me. It seems only fitting to me to send you a few of the dollars the lying cheating coward WAS ORDERED to send to me 🙂 There is just no way I would’ve fought for myself without your enlightening counsel and belly laugh inducing snark. (I didn’t think I’d ever laugh again! Let alone belly laugh! THANK YOU!)
…hehehehe! Plus…knowing that would truly chap his disordered selfish ass will give me giggles every month!
Bless you and Mr. CL and CN! And HAPPY BIRTHDAY! 🙂
Bless you and THANK YOU for helping me climb out of hell into the sunshine that has become my life.
Tess and Beau
Three years ago, you were my fire, my light leading me through the dark, twisted caverns of despair and depression.
I’m still here trying to be a fire, a light to others as I continue to grow and heal thanks to you and the mighty chump Nation!
Thank you, CL/Tracy.
I just subscribed. It’s money well-spent and it’s cheaper than therapy co-pays!
Wine for me is cheaper than subscription fee, LOL, but I’m a cheap date. Hell, who am I kidding? I haven’t been on a date in over two years, ????????????????
Happy birthday, Chump Nation!!!!
LOL, but I’m a cheap date. Hell, who am I kidding? I haven’t been on a date in over two years, ????????????????
This is the only place that makes me laugh so hard my morning coffee winds up all over my phone! And I thought I’d never laugh again ????
We make you laugh, cry, spew coffee through your nose, want to punch people in the throat— all in the same post! LOL
Lmao. You’re too funny. And hey. Go out on a date. Why the hell not. With your head held high you won’t take crap from anyone and go have your cheap wine ????
Well, I take myself out on dates these days.
I don’t do online dating sites, I’m not a church-go-er, I’m not in any organizations, Everyman I know is either married, gay, or not interested in me, or only interested in a one-night love affair, or a sporadic visit (wink, wink), which I’m most definitely not interested in!!!
Knowing my luck, I’ll meet the man if ny dreams late at night at a grocery store in sweatpants, Crocs, and my hair up in a messy bun that looks like Miss Trunchbull from Matilda. And he’ll think I’m gorgeous. ????????????????????????
Really wish you all the best with making the blog your full time job.
Can I make a cheeky request for when you have a bit more time to devote to it?!
I don’t mind the re-runs at all – everyone knows you need a day off or a holiday sometimes, and it would be a shame to waste the great writing that went into them too. They definitely deserve a second airing.
But … I’m always so anxious to know how it worked out for the chump involved (including the occasional celebrity chump too as those things tend to just fall out of the news once the initial scandal’s over).
Could the first comment on a re-run article be your update on it?
With very sincere thanks for everything you do x
Oh, that is a good idea!!! I’m always curious about the epilogue of the letter writers too.
The only thing that has made sense in this whole mess is Tracy, the Chump Lady Blog and Chump Nation. Thank you and glad to be able to give back.
I’m so in! Couldn’t have done this without you and this community!
Thank you for all that you do, Tracy!
I’m in. Not only has CL saved my sanity, the wisdom of my fellow posters is priceless. I’m impressed everyday by the class shown by everyone here. No one focuses on revenge, we all encourage each other to be the best we can be without sinking to the cheaters level. That is what I love best about this group. We have gone through hell with our integrity intact. We pull each other back from the edge and aren’t afraid to apply a 2×4 when necessary. Straight talk from honorable people.
I totally agree. Funny smart insightful people here at CN
I left my XW six months before I found CL. And I lurked for a while here, learning what a chump I still was.
It was all so helpful. Even if I knew that I did the right thing in leaving my cheater, I was still apologizing for her behavior–claiming affair fog, reduced intimacy, wanting different things in life, wife maybe having hormonal imbalances, etc.
Some of that is bullshit, and some is a genuine reason to not be totally happy in a marriage. But NONE is justification for cheating, manipulation, lying, etc. CL and CN finally got me seeing straight.
Happy to contribute. As evidenced by the responses on divorcedmoms.com (a UBT article this week), people aren’t putting up with the blameshifting like they used to. CL has definitely moved the needle.
You had me at “Please, save me from the lawyers.” Well actually you had me long before that but that cemented the deal. 🙂 As a lawyer myself, I winced at the thought of having to write glowing accounts of lawyers doing lawyer stuff all. day. long. Yikes. That’s hiding your snark light under a bushel for sure. I signed up for my Patreon account first thing this morning and a monthly donation will be heading your way.
Personally, I have no problem whatsoever with you getting rich off the site. As you can see from the responses today, you yourself have helped a countless number of people and you also brought together a group of revolutionaries so those of us who are at Meh can help others get there as well. I’m sure you’ll be rewarded in heaven but I have no problem with you getting some reward here on earth too, even if its only getting to quit having to write glowing accounts of bar association activities. And I know getting rich is not your motivation or your intent which is one of the many reasons why we all love you so much.
Happy Birthday Chump Nation and thank you, Tracy. I’ll even spare a little gratitude for the asshats whose poor treatment of you caused you to start this blog in the first place. Look what their bad intentions have wrought!!! And serious gratitude for Mr. Chump Lady and Son of Chump Lady and all your other family and friends who have been patient and understanding about our need for your time and attention.
Yeah! I hope Tracy does indeed get rich. Besides the merit for the incredible, brilliant, important work, it will bring extra satisfaction that cheaters’ shit can be recycled this way. hahaha!
I’m in for $25/month, Tracy. You’ve had my back for the two worst years of my life. I’m glad to have yours.
Who doesn’t want a full time Chump Lady? I’m in.
Tracy, the blog, and this community are hands-down on the Top 10 list of Things I am Most Grateful for in my lifetime. CL’s wit and wisdom are legendary, we’re all in agreement about the unparalleled therapeutic value of the site and the forums.
What a lot of people don’t know is about chump kindnesses behind the scene. We’ve had cases of chumps about to be evicted because their X wasn’t paying child support, chumps without enough money to put a Thanksgiving meal together, depressed chumps who need social support over lunch–we put out the word and Voila! financial and/or emotional support appears from a vast network of Chumps around the world. The generosity and rapidity with which chumps respond to calls for help has renewed my trust in humanity.
A Pew research study now indicates that 88% of people disapprove of married people having affairs, the TOP moral outrage (considered more wrong than cheating on one’s taxes, the #2 moral objection): http://www.pewsocialtrends.org/2006/03/28/a-barometer-of-modern-morals/
CL can capitalize on this, *we* can capitalize on this by refusing to be silent victims.
Viva la revolution!!
And you are the kindest badass of the bunch Tempest! 🙂
Hear, hear Tempest!
You guys have been my rocks since almost day 1. God bless you all.
Thank you for.everytjing, Tempest!!!
You know how the Red Cross has emergency response teams and kits ready for when someone’s house burns down? Can we do that in cities and rural areas across the country? I’d gladly be a Chump EMS responder in my community. I’ll show up with CL’s book, a glass of wine, a hot knife to slice through the RIC bullshit, a fist to shake at the sky, and a list of bulldog lawyers at the ready.
Tempest, you rock! Thank you for all that you do for chumps. I appreciate you so much. You have posted so many gems of wi and have helped so many.
I signed up on Patreon using my name, chump email address, Paypal etc. as requested. My real name was posted as a supporter of Tracy Schorn. I don’t want this publicly available/searchable so I went back in and edited the profile to use my chump name. FYI for others.
I signed up with my CL name, too.
I’m still Molly on Patreon too!!!
Thank you for the f.y.i.
I’m in for two obvious reasons. One — But for Tracy, I do believe I would still be a pathetic limbo chump carefully policing BAM’s every shitty move and trying to decide if things were bad enough yet that maybe I should consider leaving … ARGH!!! Face palm!!! And two — I am shamelessly promoting the inclusion of a sassy Southern Dixie character (think Delta Burke!) when CL becomes a sitcom!! ha ha
Thanks so much Tracy, Tempest, Rebecca, and all the many, many proud members of CN (with special love for FN members!!)
Sassy Southern character? Could have sworn you once claimed to be demure…..
Bless your heart, Tempest … a true Southern lady can be sassy and demure at the same time … 🙂
Ouch, the mortal wounding of the Southern “bless your heart.”
❤️❤️❤️ Love, love, love
If you’re Delta Burke, I’m Flo from Alice but sounds like Carla from Cheers = Jersey/Southern, ????????????????????
❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ You, Dixie!!!!
I’m in. I’ve left a cheater (much sooner than I was going to with the RIC), but am still working on the Gain a Life part. Your daily snark keeps me going.
I’m in! I am more than 4 years past D-day, and feel pretty Meh most of the time. But I still come here most days. I screen shot favorite posts and favorite comments, and I re-read them when I occasionally feel a little low. When I found this site and Tracy’s book (a year and a half after my d-day) my healing just shot forward, and suddenly I was in a much better place. I can’t thank CL and CN enough!
I am doing this. I paid $250 for a single counseling session before my deductible was paid up this year and I have received far, far more support and excellent advice from the daily reading here. Best bargain I will ever find.
Tracy, I hope your readership continues to grow and the seeds we all plant will continue to become more of the enormous shade trees that have allowed exhausted Chumps to come sit a while and learn to lay their burdens down. You and Chump Nation did that for me over this last year.
Done and with extreme gratitude. Nothing had more influence on my deciding to file than this website. Nothing. And, in coping with the aftermath of that decision — nothing. Echoing what everyone else is saying . . .
And, I want to see the volume turned up on the CL narrative . . . little by little louder, stronger, with intention and focus. Ripping a hole through the RIC.
March on Tracy — we’re behind you 100%
I subscribed last night. I spent thousands on that fucker Mort’s RIC program. This blog is far more valuable than all of that bullshit. Thank you Tracy, for all you do to help us chumps see the light!
Tracy, I can’t begin to tell you how Chump Lady and Chump Nation LITERALLY saved my sanity. I’m in, too. I believe we are definitely changing the narrative but we need to go bigger!!! Thank you for EVERYTHING you have done!
When I was first contemplating ending my marriage, I read the blogs at divorcedmoms.com. Have you seen the infidelity section there? Can we even measure the heartache, suffering, pain and wasted time those badly written, vapid defenses of cheaters caused?
Agreed: the token Tracy is asking for is equal to one, ONE session of marital counseling where cheater acts beaten down and chump puts her soul on the mahogany coffee table, hoping someone will treat it gently.
Pony up, ye mighties!
Tracy says to the RIC, “Hold my beer…. Watch this…”
I’m in. I’ve always wondered how you do this work Tracy, that’s so essential to my own mental health and well being. In the past I’ve tried to be a regular contributor but this makes it SO much easier!
Now go turn in your two-weeks’ notice TODAY!
And grateful thanks for providing this lifeline and connection between all of Chump Nation.
SOO in. Reading your book, put me in the mindset I needed to be. It’s embarrassing that my thought processes were so heavy in unicorns and shit sandwiches. But here I am, a year and a half later, free of Narkles the Clown (I am borrowing this from others who use Narkles), in a HEALTHY relationship, and just free from so much drama. I still read the blog almost daily. I don’t know if you ever look for volunteers, but I work/live in DC and would totally volunteer if you needed that as well.
Happy 6th anniversary, CL!
I discovered you about 2 years ago when I Googled, “men who sleep with the nanny”, or similar. Your site came up and I found myself laughing through the tears, and getting ANGRY. The shift from wallowing in self-pity to anger changed everything. I’ve been reading ever since.
Thank you! You and Chump Nation really kick-started my healing. Your voice is vital. And although I sincerely hope you reach 1,000 patrons and switch to full-time CL … I also hope that by becoming CL as a proper job, this site maintains the ‘scrappy little blog-that-could’ atmosphere; the lone voice in the wilderness, defiantly standing up to the big bad RIC. Like the student in front of the tank at Tiananmen Square. There’s just something inspiring about feeling like you’re taking on the world along with a bunch of other done-wrong chumps while at your lowest emotional point. Know what I mean?
Anyway, thank you again for everything – the humour, the real-talk, the 2×4 punches-in-the-face, and the wisdom that has helped countless chumps worldwide!
I keep transposing letters and thinking “Patrone” like the tequila.
Hahahaha, love that Sunflower! I like where your mind is at. 😀
I’ll take middle class methods of self-medication for $500, Alex…
Oh geez that’s good Sunflower!
It make me think of Patronus (as in Harry Potter – https://www.pottermore.com/features/what-is-a-patronus). I imagine when I say “Expecto Patronum!” that Chump Lady appears and smites all cheaters.
Hahahaaaa, Chump Lady’s next Fun Friday Challenge-
What is your Patronus?
Mine would be a divorce decree with wings, flying away to Meh-topia
I’m in, too. When I tossed out skankboy almost 3 years ago, all I could find at first was the RIC. I felt hopeless, afraid. Then I found CL, there was the ray of hope I was searching for to end the misery! Thank you, CL, Mr. CL, Tempest, Rebecca Whit and CN.
And I’m so glad you did, NMSB
Newbie to this site.
Long time chump.
Chump nation info kicks my ass with a 2×4
Much better now.
Welcome to Chump Nation, Jedi Hugs!
I’m in! CL and CN gave me sanity and strength when I needed it the most. This is the least I could do.
OMG, CL you are as much a chump as I am. You hate to ask, sounding almost embarrassed. You tell us how much it cost, how many hours it takes etc. justifying your request. You, F…ing save lives. I found this site 5 years ago, from a divorce site . I knew I needed out but was paralyzed in what to do. I read daily the first year. Then posted a time or two the next. Finally, knew I was not crazy, he really was a piece of shit and I didn’t have to justify why I mattered. Reading others stories was a shock. I did all the work, all the adulting, all the giving and still felt I needed to justify myself. Reading others stories it was obvious that’s F,,, up. I stayed taking care of him for two years of hospice care. But I did it totally grey rock. The first post i shared, many respond, how sorry they were for me. That touched my heart, I didn’t think it was that bad, just the usual shit sandwich. After 42 yrs married and 46 yrs together, he’s dead and I got it all. I learned: trust that he sucks, I can never untangle his mental mess, they know what they are doing they just don’t care, and that I matter. P.S. learned to sallow each sip of coffee before reading next post, to avoid coffee spray!!. Ok, enough Me, hell yes I’m in. The newbies, need you and CN. ❤️
You guys are amazing. I’m surreptitiously reading these comments at work and getting sniffly. My morning coffee hasn’t even gotten cold and we’re at 10 percent goal. WOW.
It really inspires me to read your stories. Thank you.
You’ve helped us.
How could we not step up?
I’m in Tracy, you can count on me. The world needs full time chump lady
Done! This is so much more effective than Talkspace or Therapy – I’ve cancelled both since I’ve found this blog.
Just a side note, I would love to have “like” buttons of the snarky cartoon s, like ass face, or WTF. Ones of emotions expressed here.
Overseas Chumps, did anyone have problems paying sign up with credit card?
Nope – went fine, but went through a think called “stripe”
DONE! Although I didn’t go through the RIC nightmares that seem to be the norm (I had the good luck to find a counselor who recognized and diagnosed XH’s narcissistic personality disorder and explained to me that he’s like a crocodile in a swimming pool who smiles with his big white teeth and tells you to jump in, the water’s fine…perfect description) and I’m mostly at meh with an occasional pinch of red hot hatred thrown in, this site keeps me on top of my tendency to be a pushover and question myself about how I might have caused part of the problem, how I probably suck…blah, blah, blah…all those things that after 20+ years of mindfuck are so difficult to shake.
Just signed up! You and this blog were a rope and a life raft when I was drowning. It saved my sanity and my life. This space needs to be available because liars gotta lie, cheaters gotta cheat and assholes gotta asshole. Thank you for all that you do.
I will have to figure out how to get the podcasts since I am mildly technology-challenged and use absolutely no apps on my prehistoric android phone.
You & your site saved me!! I am in!!!
Overseas Chumps My bank just called me to make sure I made a purchase at this Strikecheckout site or something similar. I paid Patreaon with Paypal with my Visa card since it was declined by Patreon. Any idea what is going on? Anyone also getting charged by a strikecheckout site?
I am jittery because my work is behind because yesterday a hacker trying to do some bitcoin whatever was in a server for an essential equipment.
Mine went through fine – but I had previously signed up to stripe – it sent me a code text on my mobile phone…
I paid with my Mastercard. No problem.
I’ll pay. I owe you send this site so much more.
I think even if I was remarried to the best guy on the planet and years away from my cheater ex past, I would still come here.
This place makes me strong in all aspects of life.
Exactly Paintwidow! Tracy’s blog is so much more than about cheating
Oh absolutely. I am such a chump, but have become so much less a chump since finding CL. Even though cheater ex was long gone, I had a bunch of cluster B’s in my life who are now history, thanks to CL and Chump Nation.
7 years ago (SEVEN!!) I filed for divorce on my birthday. 6 years ago I found the Chump Lady. And this year I will become a grateful Patron. Thank you for everything that you do, Tracy. And thank you to Chump Nation for my sanity and my strident posture.
Chump Lady, in less than two years you’ve become my best friend and I read your blog Monday to Friday as soon as I open my eyes. You’ve changed my life and that of several friends I’ve introduced to CN and recommended your book to (they love it).
I don’t care that Two-Legged Rat cut my alimony in half (legal in my country), I’ll do whatever it takes but I’m in. Signing up right now.
I’m proud of you and CN, I’m proud of myself because of you, and now my two adult sons are proud of their mom too. If I had the money I’d give you 10,000 a month!!!!
This isn’t a donation, it’s an investment in my sanity and the future cheater free lives of chumps around the globe. Money is still tight or me. That said, I can’t imagine having gone through my ordeal without your columns (I still read them daily 3 years out from D-day). There was a time in the midst of digging out that $10 would not have been an option; I give so that someone else who truly can’t still has access to this site and community.
I don’t post very often (this is my third post to be exact!) but I’ve taken a great deal of comfort from this site over the last 15 months or so. I come here nearly every day and every day I see a huge amount of good being done by Tracy and a lot of very kind people who’ve all “been there”. Tracy absolutely has to run this website for the good of everyone already here and for the people who eventually find themselves here. Nowhere else is even half so beneficial to us Chumps. My $10 (£7 quid cos I’m over the pond) will wend its way gratefully to you every month from here on in. Thank you Tracy and everyone for all the great things you do! xx
DDay for me was early October 2017. I was blindsided. Married 20 years with 2 kids. He said he wanted to reconcile. But by the end of October, he “wasn’t sure if he wanted me or something different”. The emotional state of limbo on top of the betrayal was excruciating, but it only lasted a few days….because I found Chump Lady. In my search for how to deal with this state of limbo, I came across the “Dear Chump Lady: He Can’t Decide” article from April 2015. The last line struck a chord with me….“He can’t decide? Doesn’t matter. YOU decide.”
YES!! That is what I needed to hear. That article saved my life. It changed me. I was NOT going to sit back and wait for him to decide if he wanted his wife of 20 years or his Craigslist tramp of 3 months. I found courage in Chump Lady and Chump Nation. This is only my second comment ever, but I read every day since finding the site.
I’ve come a long way since DDay. I’ve gone back to work, am officially divorced, got a great settlement, sold the marital home, bought my own home, and have primary custody of my kids. My Tuesday is still a ways off, but I’m on my way to meh!
I’m happy to have contributed. Tracy and Chump Nation, YOU are awesome!!!
Naw, OMWTM. Yassss! You rock.
Done! I’m not on the blog as much as I used to be (24/7, back in the day), but I’ll never be able to thank you and CN enough for being my flashlight through the darkest place I’ve ever had to journey through. God bless, and to all the new chumps wondering how they can ever prevail, I’ll share a sentence I read on here a while back that’s stuck with me: “You can, you must, you will.”
I’m in. You saved me from a fate worse than death. It was you and this blog that gave me the wherewithall to lay down the damn hopium pipe and divorce my cheating dysfunctional asshole ex. I havent been divorced for even a year and my life is so great and a million times better than being married to my ex. Thank you CL and CN!
Chump Lady you are awesome!
I’m in. Cheaterprick was, in fact, the best thing that ever happened to me, the first man who said he loved me and acted like it too ….. right up until he did the worst thing ever via devalue and discard. Now, CL and CN is my clickable 24/7 source of love. I love every kid who calls out a cheating parent, every take-back-my-life anecdote, every Karma bus accident report. I love reading, hearing, feeling and being lifted by the shared strength of Chumps rising up and throwing off the narrative shackles. We are the strength, the truth and the light and we are there for each other. Every time, every day, no what-did-you-do-to-deserve-this questions asked (thanks mom.). Clickable love 24/7, damn straight I’m in.
You guys, I feel like George Bailey in “It’s a Wonderful Life”!
“Every time a bell rings, a cheater gets whacked in the balls!” or something like that!
Lol! Who knew campanology could give someone such great job satisfaction!
DIXIE! You made me shriek with laughter!! I scared the dogs!
…Or a ass-raping kangaroo holding a cactus…
Tracy, you’re so deserving of our CN appreciation! We like you! We really like you! (Wish I knew how to upload a giph of Sally Fields’ memorable Academy Award speech!)????
Happy Birthday!…I think it’s cool that it coincides with Patriots day….when Americans had enough with their overbearing relationship with the British and started the Revolution.
Boy, can I relate to Patriots day (though mine was in October 2014 when I decided I’d had enough of my cheating, overbearing Briton, threw him out of the house, and joined the chump revolution)!
I’m totally in. I’m 11 months in, getting prepped to file for divorce, and I know good things are ahead of me, even when there are days that it doesn’t seem possible. Finding this site and learning the pick-me-dance, hopium, and unicorns gave me a focus and a sanity that led me out of his gaslighting and bullshit. I found it early and within two weeks I told him, no reconciliation, I’m done.
Thank you for this, Tracy, for being a voice of reason and power. We all have power and agency, we just need to use them for ourselves.
Tracy, when you can ChumpLady full time, how about organizing a big cahuna chump meet-up in the USA? A conference to organize the resistance? Workshops on meh maintenance, dating, and other chump concerns? Round-robin Friday challenges live and in person, limerick readings, and karaoke “I Will Survive”!
I think a Tracy turning this into a business is a fantastic idea. Turning her pain into a passion is an amazing transformation (can you feel the but coming?)
How are you going to get the noobs to sign up to the subscription site?
When I first saw this site I was still heavily toking on the hopium pipe. I didn’t want to hear CL’s message. I was submerged in the RIC big time. But after a while I did start to read here and finally the penny dropped.
But only because the content was freely available.
Lots of the subscribers above are already on board with the CN philosophy but noobs won’t be. So although the plan is to leave the existing content freely available is there also a plan to freshen the content? I work in the online industry and the marketing guru’s say content is king. Gotta keep it fresh. I’m assuming this site will be the main channel for new subscribers (god that sounds so corporate). Unfortunately those 19 million page views will quickly fizzle out of the content is stale.
I don’t want to be a bummer on CN’s birthday but this is the first thing I thought of. Especially if this is going to be your career now.
Please be assured, the content will STAY UP. This is about the SOME being patrons to the MANY.
As I wrote:
“If SOME pay it forward for OTHERS, the existing content (blog, archives, and forums) will not change. The vital core content of Chump Lady (“Trust That They Suck,” “Five Things That Keep You Stuck With a Cheater,” “Real Remorse? Or Genuine Imitation Naugahyde Remorse,” and hundreds of other columns and their comments) will remain available and free to all who need it, regardless of ability to pay, subsidized by those who can and do contribute. Plus, subscribers get MORE content.”
I have resisted a pay wall. For three years I resisted monetizing the blog at all – zero ads. But I cannot continue shouldering the expanding IT (and time) costs myself. Patreon is a GREAT solution because it’s NOT a pay wall. It’s patronage and community building. It’s supporting something larger than yourself, than me — it’s supporting CN.
I can’t create this place without help. That’s a really hard admission for a chump to make. I WANT this place to be the home where new chumps land. I’ve been burning out, and I don’t want to burn out. I’d like to take it to the next level. There is nothing more gratifying to me than this community and I’m humbled every day to hear how people have been helped by this site. I’m asking precisely because I want to keep this place going.
I realize not everyone is in a position to give. Those who can give so others may receive DO deserve some perks, however, and I intend to give them new content in new forms. Is that fair? I don’t know, but it’s better than no content at all, or shrinking this place to manageable part-time hobby size again.
I’d like to share my traffic with you — this place gets 31K+ unique visitors a WEEK. To be full-time Chump Lady, I’d need to convert 1 to 2 percent of my readership. Fact is the vast majority of people who are helped, who come here, won’t contribute. If you can, please help share the load and support this place. Thanks.
“this place gets 31K+ unique visitors a WEEK”
That’s the figure I wondered about. How many chumps does it take to tick the counter over 18 million hits? This is a VERY LARGE NUMBER. If we can’t cough up 1-2 percent of that figure as patrons, then we don’t deserve you, Tracy.
Please don’t get me wrong. I think your idea of turning this into a business and a full time job is fantastic and it to be encouraged. God only knows I for one would love more content. And I think it’s a great idea.
I just had my analytics head on. I really, REALLY think more new chumps need to hear your and the CN community’s message. I really do. But those bloody search engine algorithms are a bitch.
I don’t know. You have many great contributors here and your articles are amazing. And for those at meh or close to it find it side splittingly funny. So is there perhaps a plan to have mabey an article a week from yourself and some guest contributors? I can think of at least 20 commenters here that would do a brilliant job. All of which would channel them to your richer content.
I know I’m rambling a bit. I want this to be a success for you. God knows how this place has helped me and I will be part of your new endeavour.
I want this to be successfull.
I do appreciate the occasional guest blog post and have some great contributors like Luz and UXworld and Tempest. I’ll consider it more going forward, but generally I don’t go for unsolicited stuff. (Okay, yeah, I’m a bit of a control freak. LOL.) And for reasons I can’t really get into right now, I need to keep the site with my original content as it gets shopped for stuff.
There is also a button through Patreon to contribute $1/month (half of a tall coffee). It won’t get you the perks of a subscription, but it’s an amount many people might be able to afford toward operating costs.
I know I’m not coming across correctly and for that I apologise. That’s why I work in IT and not sales. I’ll try again then i’ll STFU.
We know that the search engine algorithms use several factors to determine where you rank on a search.
Key words – nailed
Key phrases – nailed
Unique visits – nailed
Unique visitors – nailed
freshness of content – nailed
referrals – nailed
The freshness of content is the one I’m interested in as this will determine how often the bots return to the site which ultimately determines where you rank in any search.
We all want CL to be right at the top pushing the RIC sites out of the way. We know people don’t go further than 2 or 3 pages in google then click that link.
Now I also have to be perfectly honest here. When I was a noob and not converted to the CL philosophy I wouldn’t have paid a subscription to hear Tracy’s message. And what would that have got me? More time on Michelle Weiner Davise’s site getting a pitch for a DB coach leading to heartbreak and further out of pocket or a life of misery with a cheater? And still further out of pocket but also blaming myself for the demise of my marriage.
Nah, we need the noobs to here Tracy’s message. This is why this site need to continue to rank high on the search engines which it will only do if the content is fresh. This will keep CL 1.0 right up there at the top of the searches THEN then move over to CL 2.0 and really begin their healing.
I just googled my wife is having an affair. I went through 8 pages. Still no CL. I’d have preferred this site to be on page one.
I agree with you; how do we get the google analytics for “my wife is having an affair” to pop up Tracy at the top of the list? Should she change her blog titles or insert key search terms to the blog entries?
Do we at Chump Nation run a bunch of google searches & then click on CL to make sure those search terms get associated with this blog?
Trust me, I want CL to be the FIRST site people find after they’ve been chumped, whatever terms they type in, and am willing to be educated as to how we make that happen.
All of the above. It all helps. But we’re up against some big hitters (huff post turns up several times.????). And referrals. Only problem with that is not many sites would link to here IMO as they aren’t in the business of telling the cheater to f*ck off. No money in it for them. If it were me I’d send the bat singnal out toe he marketing gugu’s In CN. There must be a few.
We need to get chump lady on huff post!
Never underestimate the power of CN!! Let’s assume the RIC sites are not going to tolerate referrals to ChumpLady.
What, specifically can we do to bump her page to the top of searches? There are thousands of us on this site every day. If instead of accessing CL directly, we did a search and scrolled until we found her page (and all of us do that for a week or two), we may be able to shift this site toward the top. Give us instructions, NotYetMeh2, and we will do it.
@Feelingit, ChumpLady IS on HuffPo
Thanks for the content suggestions. I try to keep it pretty fresh here (and snarky). Five posts a week is fresh. And comments also count as content, so even a rerun column is getting new content.
Need to work more on the SEO. It’s forever changing. It’s like it’s own voodoo. I don’t think you can be first in all search terms for infidelity. I’ve found my site #1 google hit on several key terms (like “leave a cheater”) and of course, CL-isms. Screen shotted it. But I gotta keep up. Again… that’s why this place is a full time job.
I used check that regularly. Hmmm, ‘my wife is having an affair’ doesn’t give me a CL hit, at least not for the first 7 pages…
Anyhow, I assume that your daily column will remain free to all. Correct me if I’m wrong.
I wish I could remember how I stumbled across CL…
I’m currently updating all my SEO and social media education.
I’m being reliably informed that having your social media buttons (Patreon, FB and maybe Instagram) “top of the fold” and to the right is v important, and encouraging members to share your stuff to social media….
Of course, I’m in! Happy Birthday to the Chumplady blog!
You CL, have been a ray of hope and common sense that I’ve needed for the past three years, (still in divorce limbo). I’d also give credit to CN, and the IRL meetups that have led me to meet some of the finest people ever! (Divianas, that means you!) 🙂 Cannot wait to hear the Podcasts and free Chumplady from the lawyers!! <3
I love CL, CN and I love Divianas too. She has been a saviour for me.
I won’t to join in with the thanks to CL for this truly lifesaving blog. I am unable to support financially right now. I am hoping that once I find myself and the children somewhere to live, I will be able to join you. I have had to give up my job due to childcare and so I’m relying on benefits for everything.
I want to sponsor Pregnant Chump! I’m 2 years out. I have teenagers now. I wish I was as mighty when my kids were little as she is now!
Thank you twiceachump, it still amazes and sadens me that strangers on this blog, are more caring and kind than someone who exchanged vows in front of God with me, and whom helped to create two beautiful children with me.
Tracy – The first word you typed was that baby step leading you to this day. It’s about fucking time you grabbed the bull by the horns.
You have relieved me of my guilt of not paying you top dollar for your time spent on this blog. $10 a month to be a member of this group makes me want to cry.
Special thanks to your incredible support network (your family) for making it happen.
Done and done. I am in on a monthly plan. I owe so much to this blog and it’s members, this makes all of the sense in the world.
I get that full time job thing and can’t imagine trying to do this too!!
I’m ALL in too! I love the thought of keeping some free so new chumps learn that this is for real and not this RIC type schemers.
The blog is still FREE. Totally FREE.
No one will be denied support here. All existing content and blog posts and the forums are FREE. It’s only podcasts and video that are Patreon perks.
Ha,ha! Just saw this. What great news that new Chumps will still find this place and it’s still free.
Happy Birthday Chump Nation!!
Tracy, thank you so much for creating this site. You and CN did save my life in January 2016.
I love your humour and potty mouth, of course! But there is something special about this site, it’s the trust and freedom you gave us Chumps to express ourselves. I haven’t found any site that is so full of life and energy as this one. Tracy, you fixed your picker before you started this, and it shows in the way the site is run and Chumps contribute.
So awesome and again, I’m all in. As I was sitting in a meeting, distracted on my cell, trying to sneak in reading and posting, I reverted back to my old user name MJB. As many have said before, this site has absolutely saved me! It’s helped me make as much possible sense of something I could never fathom and make sense of.
I tried to go to a divorce support group a couple of months ago, and honestly was ruined from picking up what they were trying to lay down. The ole it takes two and learn your part in the demise of the marriage. Dr. Cheaterpants has left his wife, family, home twice now for nutty schmoopies. Who does that? A Cluster B, entitled, selfish bastard, that’s who. And I still didn’t trust that he sucks until reading all of these blogs by you Tracy and by Chump Nation chiming in. This is absolutely priceless in not only healing a chump but changing the narrative.
I’m in. I want the super duper deluxe, I married the extra fucked up cheater version! You are one skilled chump!!
I’m in — in honor of my mother, who was a chump 25 years ago, and called on her great reserve of strength and character to survive the devastation, and ultimately to thrive.
I’m so glad her sister and brother chumps nowadays have ChumpLady’s wisdom and ChumpNation’s compassion to help them.
Nobody, not even the IC, manages to convey how narcissists operate like Chump Lady.
Thank you CL, you got through the need for self protection that broke even my denial.
I am SO grateful to you – I’m in.
Done! You got me, Tracy
Happy Birthday CL !!
I so wish that I knew about CL when I was going through the Hell of my dday and divorce.
My Tuesday came and I’m very happy 6 years later but I come on here to help and encourage my fellow chumps going through the horrible process of dday and our “wonderful court system”.
CL is a wonderful resource that is making a real difference in people’s lives as a counterpoint to the RIC which pins most of the blame on the poor chump !! I happily joined the $10/month club on Patreon.
I’m in. I’m standing upright and breathing because of Chump Lady and CN.
Done and done! Thank you so much for everything you do for us chumps, Chump Lady.
Ha! I’m using my alimony money to pay for this… take that Cheater!
LOL! LOVE IT!
She robs from the fuckwit to give to the chump!
My own experience dates back to 2001, but this site has been wonderful in helping me cope with a sudden and unexpected re-emergence of the cheater into my life. I’m in!
Whoops I think I messed up, I clicked on the Donate button instead of the Patreon link, but it wasn’t very much and can be included with/buried among other expenses. This just encourages me all the more to get going and finalize the D. Like others, my expenses are being closely scrutinized until the marital funds are finally divided, and the last thing I want is to lead Douchebag to this site. I will try again with the Patreon link.
Count me in too!!! I am so eternally grateful.
Chump lady saved my life last year when I finally decided to leave my fuckwit cheater. I literally read her book 3 times in the first couple of weeks. It gave me the courage and the confidence to look at my relationship through new eyes and see that he really does suck!!
Today I am divorced and cheater free. I’ve purchased a new home (with my mother) and everyday I thank my lucky stars for my new life.
I still check in here everyday. I can feel the Meh coming. I’m almost there.
Tracy, thank you for the explanation of everything involved in your doing this blog. I had no idea, absolutely none.
I found you through an article in The Buffalo News (NY) a few years ago & read you every day. I’ve shared you with my PTSD therapist who has shared you with his other clients. I would still be emotionally dead & maybe physically dead without you. Thank you for even considering doing this full time. I signed up on patreon last night, but now after reading what it is you do to do what you do for us, I’m going to increase my monthly pledge. There is no one on the planet doing what you’re doing. Thank you for being our angel. In awe & gratitude ????
Hello Tracy. I’ve only been aware of Chumplady for approximately 3 weeks (at first I didn’t realize it was for men too). As I write this I’m tearing up trying to convey in words, what a difference your blogs, your book and CN have made in my life.
My DDay was approximately 4 weeks ago but the “I love you, but I’m not in love with you speech” rocked my world at the end of 2017. I’m still in the middle of this “shit sandwich” and in a few weeks I will only live with my 3 kids for 50% of the time. I know that as a man I’m luckier than most and I shouldn’t complain because many men in my situation don’t even get to see their kids 50% of the time. For me though, right now this feels like a doomsday clock ticking down to the end of my world and I’m struggling…really struggling with this new reality.
Without Chumplady and CN (I haven’t actually posted anything until today) I’m not sure I would be strong enough to deal with my new reality. You and CN are what keep me going everyday by reassuring me that it will be better, I will get through this and I am MIGHTY!
I’m grateful for the opportunity to be able to “pay it forward” to you Tracy. I am also very grateful that you chose to continue offering the blogs for free to those who are not in a position to support you financially.
Sending my love to you Chumplady, Tempest, Rebecca, Whit, your husband and the rest of CN. You are MIGHTY and you are changing lives for the better, one Chump at a time. Thank you so very much!
From one male chump to another. We got your back bro.
“I shouldn’t complain”
Yes, you should. This isn’t your doing. CN is the best place to complain about that buffet of shit sandwiches you’re just about to get served.
Take your balls back out of her handbag and know your rights. She doesn’t get to call all the shots.
LOL. Thanks NotMehYet2. I just realized how long my balls have been in her handbag when many of my long time friends recently mentioned that “they thought I just couldn’t make a decision on my own”. The reality is that I just wasn’t allowed to make many decisions (at least not the ones she disagreed with). The frustrating part for me is that I make lots of critical decisions all the time at work! I’m still trying to understand how I got the the point where she convinced me that she knew what was best in almost every aspect of our family life and I actually believed these were my thoughts too. Thank you very much for taking the time to respond and encourage someone you don’t even know. It has meant a great deal to me tonight.
ChumpedToDumped, so glad you joined here. Nope, not just for women… I find that reading men’s viewpoints, experiences, and contributions to this site is of paramount importance. Being reminded that there are still good, kind, thoughtful, caring, decent men in this world has helped me immensely and has given me continued faith in humanity. A very sincere “thank you” to both you and to all the other chumped men who contribute here.
Gonna try now to figure out how to set up my anonymous recurring donation. I typically count every single penny that I spend, but supporting this community isn’t a frivolous expenditure; I truly believe Tracy Schorn and CN are a positive force in an all-too-often negative world.
Success! Yay! And there I was fearful of technical challenges in setting up my recurrent donation… It was a piece of CAKE!
Thank you for your kindness Eirene. Knowing that there are people like you out there who care enough to be so kind to complete stranger, gives me hope that I will be able to trust, love and be happy again in a relationship some day.
I second that thought, and send out great big hugs to all of our chump men here on CL. As with Eirene, you guys have given me a much better perspective on men in general and helped me understand that there are lots of wonderful, warm, caring and grown up men out there. Thanks for being here, guys.
So glad you posted.
There have been many men here who have added their voices and helped so many other men in your situation. I hope you will continue to post as you continue your journey.
I can feel your pain through your post about your children.
As CL says, children only need one sane parent.
Use your 50% to be a role model for your children. Show them what parental love looks like, teach them about responsibility, commitment and empathy. Be the strong one, set rules for your household and just love them.
Others here have stressed using a family calendar for communication and keeping that communication only about the children. This will allow you to be No Contact.
Too many ex’s use the children to manipulate and hurt the already-hurt ex. Don’t let that happen.
I have older children who have survived this nightmare and come to understand the truth of my marriage. They are my support and we love each other even more everyday. I never thought that would be possible.
No one knows what lies ahead but by posting you will receive support and encouragement along the way.
Every male voice here is important!
You’ve given me a great deal of hope about the potential future relationship with my kids.
I am terrified that I will lose them. My wife has been so uktra confident that “the kids will be happier” that it scares me to death she knows something I don’t. As far as I know the kids were perfectly happy before this “shit storm” started (my youngest said his life was perfect before). Now they are visibly disturbed by her constant overnight travel to be with her AP and her constant lying. What am I missing?
Thank you for taking the time to reply. It meant a great deal to me tonight.
So sorry you are going through this and so impressed that you can string thoughts together and post here. You are not alone and there are more men on here than ever before. It seems it is just easier for women to reach out, but it is so important to hear from all voices.
I am sorry about the 50% with the kids. Mine were grown when the shit hit the fan, but the only thing we can do is to love them and keep on loving them.
The struggle is real and painful. Hang in there. Keep posting. Use the forums when you need a boost. Chump Nation is here for you. (((HUGS)))
Thanks for the boost One Step at a Time. I love my kids more than life itself. While the love of my life may not have been real, my love for them and their love for me is real. I tell them how MIGHTY they are all the time. Thanks for taking the time to respond. It’s helped me refocus tonight and deal with today and take my mind off the near future.
CTD, there are lots of guys here and I’m so glad you found us. You know, when I started out I was at this fancy blog conference and some “expert” told me that men would NEVER read a site called “Chump Lady.”
My very first comment (and it was LONG) was from a dude.
And Google analytics (Google knows EVERYTHING about us!) tells me that nearly half my readership is men — but they lurk. Older women disproportionately comment, but they are not the only demographic. (Just the largest Have No Fucks Left to Give demographic.)
I built this site to be gender and orientation neutral. Cheating isn’t a gender thing — it’s a character thing. EVERYONE is welcome. All it takes to be chumped is having a trusting heart.
Apologies for the my ID in the last two posts. I wrote ClumpedToDumped instead of ChumpedToDumped by mistake. Then I laughed because I thought a reference to KittyLitter could have been a Freudian slip considering I feel like I’ve been shit on over and over:-)
CL you are really incredible. I can’t believe you take the time to read all these posts and then responded to me and so many others. You’ve created a movement that lets Chumps know that they matter by creating bridges to all these kind and amazing people around the world.
You, and everyone else who took the time to respond to me would never know how big of an impact you made in my life today if I didn’t take the time to let you know. Thank you so very much.
You are mighty chumpedtodumped! One day you’ll hit meh, in the meantime have some Jedi Hugs!
Thanks Datdamwuf. I will take every hug I can get until I reach meh!
Happy Birthday Chump Lady! I read all the comments today and as usual find the support and snark inspiring. I found CL less than a month into my journey and read into the wee hours. This was four years ago. LAJ, Tessie and Tempest were big voices. The day I packed my ex’s clothes into black plastic bags, it was the members of CN who chimed in all afternoon on the blog. I packed, I cried, I survived. At the time I was finishing my counseling degree. Three years later I’m a licensed professional counselor and I specialize in Divorce Mentoring. I send many clients to chump lady. I incorporate the cheater playbook narrative in my work. Your work is truly inspiring! I am hoping that the new format makes the forums easier to navigate. I’d love to help with a meet up in my state. I am looking forward to the podcasts etc. The lexicon of cheating is changing, the world needs to be prepared for the roar of Chump Nation! I’m also in for a Chump Nation convention and would be more than happy to be on the planning committee!
I have received my confirmation from Patreon and will happily contribute (from my lovely divorce settlement)!
I love that you turned your chump experience into a therapist degree. #MIGHTY
Thank you for the MIGHTY! I’m watching the donations come in and can’t wait to see CN fill the coffers that will allow the narrative shift!
This past August, after having endured years of disrespect, lies, humiliation, and mindfuckery at the hands of my STBX, after having performed the pick me dance too many times to count, after having instructed my STBX on multiple occasions to move out of our house but never enforcing my half-hearted directive, I found CL.
I wrote a letter to CL in August following my STBX’s then-latest atrocity. CL’s response to my letter and the 200+ comments of CN were the wake-up call that I desperately needed. For some reason, the responses and advice that I received on this blog from complete strangers resonated with me in a way that nothing previously had. One week after my letter was published on this blog, I kicked my STBX out, and I have been no contact since. Without CL and CN, I shudder to think where I would be today.
I am endlessly grateful to Tracy and to CN for helping me to take the step that I needed to take to save myself. I am soooo much happier without that Loser in my life, and I am getting closer to Meh every day.
I am in. Thank you, Tracy.
I’m glad I chose your letter, and I’m so glad you found CN and lost the loser!
Done! Signing up for Patreon was so quick and easy. I’ll always be grateful to have stumbled onto CL and CN after reading nothing but RIC dreck. Happy Birthday Chump Lady!
????????????”I can see clearly now, the rain is gone…I can see no obstacles in my way…????????????
@UMXinA Exactly! Thanks to finding CL and CN, I went from being a sobbing, devastated grief-stricken heap on the floor, to having that happy song in my head all the time. ???? …gonna be a bright, bright sun-shiny day????
Life with the cheater in the rearview mirror is so much better! ???? Look straight ahead, nothing but blues skies…????
I was shown the light by a friend who recommended your book when I was a couple of months into the shit storm. Then the heavens opened up when I found out that you also had this life-saving blog. I lurked here for a long time and I don’t post as often as some, but let me say that you and CN saved my life. There are not adequate words to describe how thankful I am for the healing I have been given through reading your book and this blog.
The saddest thing is reading the posts by the newbies…you know exactly the raw emotions and hell they are going through. This blog has to continue…to help us oldies, but it HAS to be here for all the newbies. So a monthly contribution is a small thing to keep the revolution alive. I am in.
Love to you CL and CN!
Count me in☝️. CL was there through my darkest darkest days and I’m forever grateful. Helping me for the 2 years of being lost and in denial. When I first started posting I was so unsure of whether or not I was just being an overly sensitive loser that was blowing everything out of proportion. Everyone that posted comments to me helped me to stop doubting myself. I cried my eyes out each time someone validated me and gave me support. And now through this last year, while I’m trying to get divorced, this blog keeps me feeling like I have friends who understand. I feel safe and like I’m not alone. I wake up each day and I get my coffee and start my day with this site. I wanted to die. This site absolutely saved my life.
My dear Tracy. I signed up as your Patron because your words need to be spread far and wide. Your blog saved me. However, it took me two years to find sensible help. (I found you via Huff Post and Google.) Spread your much needed message, and I am delighted to help you do it. Go forth, young lady. I will be following you.
Chumps – please please please support Chump Lady.
As Tempest said “Who doesn’t want a full time Chump Lady?”
If you need evidence of what chumps are up against, have a look at this: https://www.theschooloflife.com/london/classroom/esther-perel-in-conversation-with-alain-de-botton/
This event is SOLD OUT!!!!! More poor distraught chumps are going to be traumatised and brainwashed into spending money with proponents of the RIC. A full-time Chump Lady can fight this dangerous nonsense – please please please support her.
Ah, Esther Fucking Perel: A Leader in:
Telling Morally Conpromised People What They Wanna Hear, and
Style Over Substance.
What her fans can’t comprehend is that all of this is easy, and practiced by similar snake oil salespersons the world over.
I just looked at the confirmation email for the automatic recurring deduction, and my first payment will be made on May 1, which is TUESDAY! How great is that!?!?!?
Hahahahaaaa, oh yeah!!!
Done 🙂 almost 3 years out and 2 years divorced come 4/28. And definitely gaining a life. I owe you this Tracy 🙂
I’m brand new to the site and have already found this immensely helpful. And in just these few short days, I have had to wonder how you do this and thought perhaps you didn’t have another job. So you are really awesome to be so committed while trying to juggle work life and family life and well, just your life. I’m not quite ready to commit to a monthy subscription because I shy away from monthly, long-term financial commitments as a rule that don’t involve mortgage/car/utility payments, but I bet it works out really well so that you can devote yourself to the site completely and build chump nation and even more knowledge base.
I’m a little concerned about the subscription model you explain, but perhaps I didn’t fully understand. If I understood it correctly, my heart sinks for those who don’t or can’t subscribe since they will not have full access to everything the site and your hard work have to offer. So, I’m just wondering if corporate sponsorship could be an avenue to consider in order to keep the site and everything open to everyone.
Or, maybe you could look into government family grant funding? As an incorporated, and expanded, side of the Chump Lady purpose and website, focus could be given to prevention as a way of helping families stay together by avoiding infidelity with educational materials and the understanding that cheating will tear the marriage and family apart.
Either way, I really wish you and all of Chump Nation well. I really will consider the subscription seriously because I love how you have helped so many people and want you to continue doing just that.
It’s still free. You can support for as little as $1/month & cancel at any time.
Thanks, paigeup, but that’s not really what I understand from this particular post.
You’re given that option at Patreon when you pledge your monthly commitment.
This site will still be open and the forums will be too. There may be less original posts on the main page but it will still be free.
Those are good suggestions, and I did grant writing once upon a time, but I’m not the sort of entity that receives government or charitable grants. (I’d love be proven wrong on this.) I’m not a 401c3 charitable org. I’m more like Ann Landers or Dear Abby — advice givers. I don’t have the sort of educational credentials as a therapist, I’m a chump.
As for corporate sponsorship, that’s essentially what the ads do. I would LOVE it if a large company wanted to sponsor CL. But I’m not the sort of site that advertisers like. We swear here and say “cock sucker” (Google ads doesn’t approve). And the subject matter makes corporate sponsors queasy. I did do some reaching out — but that’s also a impediment, my time. Cold calling people I think would be a good fit for sponsoring this place. (What do you want when you’re divorcing? Ice cream? A new mattress?)
Patreon is an elegant solution, IMO. I’m sorry I have to draw a line on podcasts and videos not being free, but the *entire* rest of my site is. If people say that information and support saved their lives, my guess is that it will continue to do so.
We say “cock sucker” here. Tracy you crack me up.
I just signed up and am so pleased to be part of movement! Right now I am vacationing in the Caribbean learning to kiteboard and on my way to meh.
Never never NEVER could have gotten here without CL and CN. Thank you Tracy and all of CN!
If you’ve visited this site and it has helped you and you are financially able to contribute, please do.
I think I’m a little behind on the verbiage, so may I ask someone to tell me what Reconciliation Industrial Complex means, pretty please?
Also, what does this statement mean that I copied from another blog post”
“You’re moving that needle. You’re shooting the Reconciliation Industrial Complex in the kneecaps and telling them the relationship will be stronger for it.”
There is a list of terms on the site, I think RIC needs an update. Basically the RIC preys on hope and urges you to try to reconcile no matter what, all in the name of making a profit.
Ugh I’m sure to lose my mind without the ability to edit my posts lol. Here is the corrected version of my above question:
I think I’m a little behind on the verbiage, so may I ask someone to tell me what Reconciliation Industrial Complex means, pretty please?
Also, what does this statement mean that I copied from another blog post:
“You’re shooting the Reconciliation Industrial Complex in the kneecaps and telling them the relationship will be stronger for it.”
Welcome StarChump! Head to the top of Chump Lady and click on “resources” and you’ll find a bunch of terms and definitions. You’ll catch on pretty quickly. This site is amazing! Sorry that you found your way here but we’ve got your back. Read everyday and post when you need help. Be mighty. ????????❤️
The reconciliation industrial complex or the RIC for short are all the people that push reconciliation for profit mostly. This could be marriage counselors, anyone selling a book pushing reconciliation, websites that promote reconciliation, etc. Most of them have the same messages:
The chump is partly to blame for the breakdown of the marriage that “forced” the cheater to have an affair.
You must not put too many demands on the cheater, lest they scurry into the under brush from fear
Do the 180 which is basically reverse manipulation where the chump is led to believe their actions will scare or nice the cheater out of cheating.
There is much talk about the fog and standing for your marriage (that’s mostly for “mid-life crisis” cheaters
etc, etc ad nauseam.
That pretty much sums it up
I’m in and signed up!
To think we spent $900 on an intensive MC weekend, plus flights and a hotel – another $800 (of course I paid). Which served only to confirm (in his mind at least) his narrative of controlling, suffocating and paranoid lunatic, and kept me sucked in for another 3 months and a further 2 DDays… when I could have been leaving a cheater and gaining a life!
To Tracy and Chump Nation – this place has literally been the difference between madness and sanity for me. Thank you. We need you full-time Tracy.
Signed up and so grateful! Let’s take the CN revolution worldwide. The RIC has way too much space and too much misinformation. I’m so thankful for the clarity and guidance CL provides daily. I see Patreon is up to 187. Let’s keep it going!
I believe that I have read this site for over 1000 days! The support of Chump Lady and Chump Nation has helped me survive not just one but several discards by two different partners (husband and then post-separation boyfriend (who I thought was my friend for 30 years)). The monthly subscription of $10 is a steal compared to price of psychotherapy from a highly experienced (or nit) psychotherapist in my area–and way more helpful–and I know a lot of psychotherapists.
I had to work late tonight — look what I came home to!
You have definitely found a GREAT guy!
That’s awesome. Enjoy a slice or two for CN!!!
So awesome! Enjoy your celebration!
❤️❤️❤️ Love. Shows. Up. ????????
Great cake! And kudos to whoever found a unicorn candle.
You know that awkward lower lip thing that happens when you’re about to cry but trying really hard not to? That just happend.
Same here, FreeVix!!!!
Did you HUSBAND bring you that? With a unicorn and everything??
If that’s not a testament to getting a life, I don’t know what is. A picture is worth a thousand words, but that’s it’s own column.
Isn’t it awesome being appreciated by a normal person? 😀 <3
Long time visitor, first time poster and as of today, a patron. My chump story is complex and not exactly on the same page but since there are many ways to be chumped by those we love and trust, the advice and snark cross across diverse aspects of chumpdom. I have found this site, Chumplady’s advice and the community incredibly valuable personally and professionally. In my day job, when approached by a newly minted chump, although I try to be a little more pastoral than “leave their cheating ass”, I pass them my home study phone number and this website url. Because late at night when you’re alone and in agony – Chumplady is there, even if this Rebecca is sound asleep. Thanks for all you do Tracey (and really, everyone here) and good wishes to you in going pro rather than pro bono with Chumplady.
Love the “pro rather than pro bono” line. Nice one! And thank you. And “leave their cheating ass” is totally pastoral, IMHO. 🙂
My brain autocorrected that to “pro bono not pro boner.” ????
I’m in. Last night I went on my first post-chump date and had a happy night feeling great about myself. 6 months ago I was a wreck. I would be nowhere near this happy place if I hadn’t found this site. Unbelievably valuable.
Squeee! on the date! Way to go!
I’m saving at least $30 a month on gas by no longer driving to see my cheating long-distance ex-boyfriend, AND I’m no longer expected to travel with him to Europe for two weeks for *his* annual summer vacation. So $10/month is nothing! You helped me go totally no contact and keep my dignity, even though my heart was broken. Plus I can’t even begin to count how many times I’ve laughed at the wit and wry observations of chumps. Thank you!
VIVA LA REVOLUCIÓN!!! It’s our time fuckers! Let’s fuck some shit up. Specifically, betrayers of the most intimate kind. ❤️❤️❤️ Fucking love you all! I know for a fact I would still be dancing if I didn’t find y’all. Thank Jesús fuck for that. I’m a patron. And not of the tequila variety. Happy Fucking Revolución Birth Day. ????. #teamCL
“It’s our time fuckers!”
This is my new chump motto!
Your book and this place really saved my life and sanity. I am all in!! I honestly I don’t know what I would have done if a friend had not pointed out your book and I found the forums. All of you here have been such a huge support.
The first time I found the blog I emailed ChumpLady for advice and she answered. Not only did she answer, many of you answered too and added to her great advice. I am almost 18 months from DDay and tomorrow I find out if my offer on a lake front home is accepted. Thanks to CL and CN, I have gained a life! I am in for a subscription!
Hope it goes in your favor LettingGo! You deserve it!
I can’t begin to tell you how overwhelmed I am with all the support. Just WOW. I’ll be plowing this investment back in here, to create great content (and eventually free myself from my day job).
As I mentioned up thread, I had to work late tonight covering a judicial reception, and every now and then I’d peek at my phone and get all choked up, then try to focus on the awards ceremony I was at. Two worlds…
I’m just so thankful for you all.
I hope to be more articulate in the morning. Just THANK YOU.
We’re chump family, Tracy. This might be the Thursday night margarita taking, but we love the hell out of you and your work.
I’ve never felt so good about entering my credit card number. Viva la chumpolucion!
Oh, I like this FreeVix. VIVA LA CHUMPOLUCIÓN!!!!
High 5’s, Fist Pumps and Fist Bumps to you and your wonderful support team.
I first stumbled onto this site after my ex openly admitted having sex with one of her ‘other’ boyfriends. (check out the term “beta orbiters” – ex boyfriends who are encouraged to hang around)
I have since learned many terms ILYBINILWY etc.
However the big thing for me was to have a long hard look at myself.
I grew up in a disordered environment – narc father, co dependent mother, and guess what, it rubbed off. Hey this (my behaviour) is “normal” and I was arrogantly oblivious to it all in my treatment of romantic, friendships and work relationships.
Along the way I’ve been thumped with the odd 2×4 and have found myself squished under the back tyres of the karma bus.
So, thank you all on CN. Your examples of the behaviour of your cheating ex’s has forced my eyes open to who I have been these past 57 years. I’ve gone “holey moley” that’s me your talking about !
Crap, I fit the category of an asshat.
Scary stuff – Guilt, Shame, Remorse, Regret – maybe contrition.
You guys are helping me heal as well. Thank you
No – I’m not in sad sausage mode. Just stating the painful facts
I’m in. So very worth it. THANK YOU TRACY!
This is my very first post here to say THANK YOU and tell you I’m in. I’ve been digging deep into the archives since D-Day (The 10th one? 20th? 38th? I lost count. I was a huge chump taking massive hits of hopium.) a month or so ago and it was you and this community that made me find a lawyer and a financial analyst (financial fraud is his biggest lie) and not feel like I was alone in the universe. Money is super tight but I will give anything to pay it forward. I’m looking forward to becoming a more active member of this community as I file and gain a life.
Congrats on getting mighty!!! Leave the ratbag for dust, onward and upward!
My forensic accountant was invaluable! If cheaters lie in one area of their lives, they will lie in all areas: kids, parents, work, financials. All. of. it. is. a. lie. Having professionals you can trust and who are top of their game in critical for your future.
Your book arrived on Friday and I started reading it and sobbing – I so badly wish I’d had it six months ago and saved my sanity from the insanity of my pick-me dancing. Chumps need you and your snark-filled reassurance that it isn’t them, they didn’t deserve it, and cheaters suck.
I’m going to happily join/donate my $10/month with the hope that new Chumps find the growing CN quickly and no Chump suffers alone like I did.
I”m totally in!! $10 per month is easy!!
But I gotta ask……why not leave the full time job and dive into this full time? Income opportunities will sprout like daises (hello! Paid speaker! Paid writer per short article! Companies sponsoring you for doing short YouTube videos! YouTube ads program! ). I know it’s scary, but it seems like this moment is symbolically just like the one when you were too scared to leave the cheater – you had a new life on the horizon, IF ONLY you’d take the plunge! God damn it there are SO many ways to make money with your platform, and I hate to say it, but I think you’re holding yourself back!!
Don’t hold yourself back Tracy!
Now, off to Patreon…..
Go get Esther, biotch. And TED. And an even bigger book deal. You’re ready to go gurl!
CL, you saved me too. You gave me the words for my feelings. I spent a year in RIC, pick-me dancing and the like, and I was dying inside. Once I found your site, things changed. I saw things that I could no longer unsee. I saw the truth. It still took time but here I am, almost divorced, moving on with my life and dreams. Thank you so much.
I am currently an unemployed student with limited income trying to scrape by to finish my law degree, but I promise you once I’m a working attorney I will do my part to keep this community going. My contribution is forthcoming…because no chump should have to go it alone, because your message needs to be spread.
Hey Tracy I’m with Ange, with the volume of following and influence you have you should have an agent organising paid appearances…..I’m feeling a televised debate coming on….hey I own a business that makes little animated stories that communicate a-ha! moments on topics around behaviour, change, culture stuff….contact me offline I’ll develop a couple for you on the realities of infidelity pro bono in return for my sanity ???? you can add to your content.
I have signed up. When I found your blog five years ago I had recently kicked him out… but it had taken me 10 years and I was still deep into untangling the skein. The Ah-ha moments as I read all the archives just kept coming. I am one of those I-really-need-to-understand-it-all chumps so to have everything explained so clearly, was gold.
The thing that probably made the biggest difference to me was No Contact. Every time I spoke to him on the phone (before handing the phone to my son) or via email, I would have very nasty nightmares for a couple of nights. It is amazing how I never have bad dreams any more and he has faded from my daily life. I am well and truly at Meh.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
From Koru in New Zealand
I’m in. I am 5 years out and without Tracy and CN, I would not be where I am today. Not.even.close.
So many out there are hurting and I would not be at peace, knowing that I, in a very small way, can help. The narrative has to change, and Tracy has done that.
Thank you for all you do, Tracy. I wish we could meet one day – I am in DC practically every month.
I’m in. Thank you so much for everything. My 4 little children and I will live a safer, healthier, happier life because of the work that you do.
I’m in, will sort monthly payment tonight.
“ I didn’t tell you because I wanted to protect you”
“ If you wanted to protect me, you’d not have done it in the first place”
Thanks to Tracey changing the pathways in my brain, I now have answers to these ridiculous excuses.
£7 pcm across the pond….and Tracey and CN, you’re PRICELESS!
I’m in ! I don’t think I would have survived without Tracy’s book, blog, and the wonderful, inspiring, and supportive Chump Nation.
I read this blog and the forums every day, even though I don’t often comment – the blog and the forums set me up for the day, and help me on my journey to meh. Thank you so much Tracy,
I originally registered as jcja, but Patreon has changed it to Janice ? Can I go back to jcja, in the remote chance the lying fucktard finds this site ?
I found your book when searching for advice.
Marriage, empty nest, Midlife crisis, PTSD………. help.
It was a free download for my Kindle so I thought why not as I was devouring everything. Wow
2×4 to the head after the 1st few pages.
After 35 years of marriage he moved out with declarations of “I love you” but “I need to be alone” “I’m broken” “I’m so dead inside” “I have to fix me”…..
I was there for him, trying to find the answers, the help he needed, to fix the broken……..
He said he loved me, we had decades together, built and moved into our dream home 2 years earlier. Getting ready to retire in a couple of years and traveling, dreaming of grandchildren.
I did the whole 1st D day thing 23 years earlier with a 4 and 8 year old. I believed him when he said it was an emotional affair even when I confronted him about my discovery of condoms in his truck. They surely weren’t for “us” since “we” had been trying to get pregnant for 2 years. I bought the whole nothing had happened yet, they were a “just in case” explanation. The refund check he secretly cashed to buy her a diamond necklace. Took our kids to her house to play with her child when I was out of town for work. Went to the movies (they both worked together on 2nd shift so could spend their days together AND then work together) they were just good friends. He could talk to her. He got lost.
I did the pick me dance like Ginger Rogers. Lost weight, became a “better wife” all the while working full time plus and basically raising our two children alone since he worked 2nd shift even though he could have bumped to 1st or 3rd (but he didn’t like getting up in the mornings.) When he was off during the week the kids still went to daycare as “he needed his time”. I bought it all.. Hook, line and sinker. Dance Dance Dance. Did the marriage police like a seasoned detective. Put up with his selfishness and demands. Made excuses for missed family events all the while keeping him polished and shiny on his pedestal. A Prominent leader in our small community, a hero in our children’s eyes.
D-day 2 (that I knew of) strikes…..
After 9 months of supporting him after he moved out, being there for his calls/texts whenever they came always offering a supportive loving sympathetic ear. Taking a second job to help pay for his apartment of “solitude”. Searching for professional help for his “work related PTSD” his “depression”………
Stumbled across his texts to schmoopie, the 29 year old fiancé of one of his employees. …. He sure didn’t sound very broken or emotionally dead in them.
YOU and your book helped me see the BS that he was spouting. It was like a script he was following. It was so surreal…..
Your book lead me to this website…. and to all the wonderful chumps out here. Those that had come before me, their stories helped me to see that there was a light at the end of the tunnel and it wasn’t a train. Even though there were days I had my doubts. The fog slowly cleared to HIS actions, HIS selfishness, and HIS bull. Sure I had the covers over my head in bed days with a box of Kleenex but your/their WORDS pulled me up and out, slapped my face, kicked me in the butt and got me MAD. Helped me see MY worth. Helped me see HIM for who he REALLY was, not who I wished him to be.
I’m 3 years out from that nightmarish time in my life and I’m not at MEH yet BUT I know MY Tuesday is out there. I don’t visit the site everyday like I did when I needed the continuous lifeline but I know it is here when I need it.
So for all you seasoned veterans out here, THANK YOU for your word of wisdom and your thoughtful listening. For all you draftees, stay strong, just breathe and take one step at a time. YOU are worthy and deserving of so much more. Remember, the best revenge is living well.
And to Tracy, THANK YOU for being our Commander in Chumpiness. Your blunt words of truth have helped me SO MUCH and judging by the flowing of this site, millions of others in a war they didn’t want to be in.
So with that long winded explanation….
I. AM. IN.