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Time for Another Mightiness Check In

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Well, I sure am feeling the CN mightiness after yesterday’s epic blog birthday. THANK YOU for the Patreon love. But I wanted to check in, as I do here periodically, and see how your mighty is going.

Did anyone see that story in the Washington Post about Anthony Anderson the amazing kid who sings German lieder? I won’t give it away, please read it (with Kleenex) — I just want to point out to all you single parents — this child was raised by a single mother as one of SEVEN children. Dear God, if that kid and his mom aren’t the mightiest. I love this story on so many levels, but especially how Anthony just lets his opera nerd flag fly. He is so amazing, and he never loses sight of his worth, or his talents.

Back to you. How’s that Gain a Life thing going?

To the newbies, about every 6 months or so, we do a Tell Me How You’re Mighty column. It doesn’t have to be a grand accomplishment — if you’re fresh off a D-Day, showers and protein drinks count. I want to hear how you’re keeping your sanity in the face of co-parenting with a fuckwit, or how many days you’ve been No Contact, or if you’re going back to school, or went on an awkward date. Spill!

TGIF! And never give up the fight. There’s a good life here waiting for you on the other side.

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Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • I had achieved early retirement at 50 and his sudden departure ruined that little plan. After 2 years unemployed & 11 months of applications I started a new job this week! And it was a promotion and 40% pay increase since the last job! Not enough exclamation marks to go around!!!
    Now with a pay slip, I can get financing to buy the house and do a property settlement. Does stop me from going to Newcastle though.

    He is unemployed and living on the edge of town in the Notell Motel and Long Stay Caravan Park. Pulling the hot chicks then?!

    YAY for me!

          • after 18 months of slogging through a series of ugly discoveries, I finally got back on stage to do stand up comedy, and I dedicated my comedy set to my now ex-husband. AKA the “wasband”.

            The set went really well, and in it, I addressed 2 of the 3 most painful experiences of my life; the end of my 35 year marriage and the health crisis I had, which precipitated his hasty departure.

            I am witty (aren’t we all?) and I have done comedy before in some notable venues.

            But this particular show was the first I’d done since the shit hit the fan – and it marked a healing point for me, a milestone of recovery for me, which I had to share.

            It’s one thing to know we feel less horrible with time, but it’s another to stand up and mock the shit out of the shit.

            BTW the support in the audience proves how many of us are chumps. Maybe it’s my imagination, but I could swear I got a lot of the best laughs.

            Definitely got an invite back!!

    • Thank you all! and to note what another mighty chump wrote – it took a village – MANY ppl stepped in to help me over the past year – they are mighty too!

  • How timely! I actually wrote somewhat of a “mighty” post on Facebook a day or two ago. It is long, but I hope it is relevant here, too.

    “As our would-have-been wedding date approaches, I am not thinking as much as I thought I would about what it was planned to be. I find myself thinking more about how I have made it through the past nearly eight months. (Get ready for a “humble brag.” One of the many things I have learned is, despite being an introvert, it surprisingly has helped me greatly to be open and vulnerable, even on Facebook, about my journey.)

    What I have to say today is this: I may never have been prouder of myself in my life as I am now.

    In a split second in August, I was thrown into one version of hell on earth. The shock and pain were unfathomable and brutal, and I honestly was not sure if I’d be here in April 2018. I still cannot believe the details of what transpired, and that this is forever part of my life’s story.

    Yet, even while in the depths of utter despair, I somehow tapped into an innate strength that allowed me to do so many things that amaze me now. Schedule appointments with my doctor. Find a therapist. Go to work with no more than 2 days off, and do my job, even through near-constant tears. Find and consult a lawyer. Commute 4-5 hours per day for 2 months from my mom’s house. Set aside my fears and ask friends and family for help and support. Find a new place to live in 2 weeks of searching (and, later, transform it into a home). Move out of a home we had just purchased and moved into in April 2017. Settle finances with a person I no longer recognized. Stand up for myself and refuse that person’s request for me to remain on our mortgage until he is ready to sell. Remain my true self through it all and behave with dignity and grace.

    I have been to one version of hell on earth. It will haunt me for much longer; it will continue to reshape me, but I am no longer there. I made it out. I am ok. A sentence that, up until as recently as February, I couldn’t picture saying and meaning anymore. I. am. ok. #EndHumbleBrag #ItTookAHugeVillage “

    • You are mighty! But he wanted you to remain on the mortgage until it suited him? There is no low they won’t stoop to is there!

        • Aw; thank you so much! It is still hard, but to all of you newbie chumps…Tracy is right…it DOES get better. It really does. And I didn’t believe that at all for a long time.

      • Thank you so much! Yes, he didn’t want to refinance and said he would pay the mortgage in full each month if I would stay on it until he was ready to sell “in about a year” so he and Schmoopie could live somewhere else. I said I now know you are untrustworthy in the worst way, so why on earth would I trust my financial well-being / credit with you?! He tried to convince me that there would be financial benefit in it for me. lol.

    • My cheater is still on the mortgage. I paid him so he could escape quickly. He signed a quit claim deed. He never asked about the mortgage. I guess he will just have to trust that I pay it. Hope he worries about it.

      • I’m still on mortgage but I moved out. Our legal finance agreement states that XH has to pay full mortgage now on his own until paid off, zero cost to me. However, once paid off he has to give me £50k or 20% of the house value, whichever is more. My compensation for staying on the mortgage. If he at any point fucks up and doesn’t pay mortgage, I’m allowed to legally sell house and get my money sooner with him paying all associated costs.

        • Thats great! i wish i could have done that but my lawyer was concerned that I would end up paying child support with 50/50 custody and a loser ex. Maybe its different in UK but in Canada Im still on mtg for a house he owns but as they say – it’s complicated. All I see is that he pays no bills, lives comfortably and goes south with shmoopie while I do the adulting/parenting so I can sleep at night. Thats my thing – I am Mighty Super Parent ( Mom and Dad both). I hope that some day I can stand by and watch as he fucks himself – all on his own.

    • What a great post. Really well told (and well done too). It sounds like you narrowly avoided an even worse hell on earth by finding out before marriage. Love the name Chumpsterfire. Perfect.

    • I want to acknowledge your ability to move forward with dignity and grace. I’m so often tempted, and have, let the grace fly by the wayside. — I think this is a full-on topic, how to preserve dignity and grace.
      You rock!! Thank you for this post.

    • Wow, you just spoke exactly how I feel….and gave me hope. It’s only a few weeks of him leaving and I’m in the deep crazy shif, but you give me hope go see my strength in thsss times.

      Thanks for your comment….needed today

  • Haven’t seen fuckwit in 248 days but who’s counting? That’s 248 days of no one lying to my face… I’ll take it. Stay mighty CN!

  • I’m not. I’m epically sucking right now.

    I get up in the morning, get my kids up, we pray, we go to work/school, we come home, have supper, go to bed.

    That’s about as much as I can handle right now.

    The spring weather that we are (finally getting) did compel me to clean my car and then start sanding my kitchen cupboards to prepare to paint them. So, there’s that.

    • But that IS mighty. “Courage does not always roar. Sometimes courage is a quiet voice that says, ‘I will try again tomorrow.’”

      (((Sunflower))) #mightymom

      • Yes, Sunflower ~ that is mighty.

        You are moving forward!

        When I first began this journey thru Hell, I told everyone I did not have a future anymore. But I had a now. Each day became that now and each day is a step forward.

        Everything you described in your day is positive! And that’s mighty.

        • This: “When I first began this journey thru Hell, I told everyone I did not have a future anymore. But I had a now. Each day became that now and each day is a step forward.”

          Thank you for putting it into perfect words!

      • YES!! I have that saying on a coffee mug that I drank out of every day. I also used to say the prayer to St. Michael over and over in my head. It was one of the things (aside from my kids) that got me through the day after DDay. Sunflower36, you ARE mighty!! You may not be where you want to be right now, but you’re not where you used to be. Trust me (and all of the rest of us on here) that it WILL get better, you WILL get there. Just one day at a time . . . and when that’s too much, one hour at a time or even one minute at a time.

    • What’s the saying? “ not all superheroes wear capes”

      Just keep doing what you’re doing sunflower

    • Sunflower36 did you say you get up in the morning? You are mighty as all mighty. We all do what we can do and the rest follows.

      {{{hugs}}}
      FFF

    • Sunflower, you are doing a lot! And, you are no failure IMO. Huge hugs. I especially like the spiritual solution you are turning to with prayer.

      Mighty Sunflower💖

    • Gosh that sounds ok. I lost my kids to the ex. It would be heaven to have them. They are the true ‘love of our lives’. Be sure that you are wonderful and better times are ahead.

    • Oh, Sunflower – you are mighty!

      In the early days, it was ALL I COULD DO to get up in the morning, make sandwiches for my kids — without tears for condiments — and get them off to school. The rest of the day? Who the hell knows what I did?! I survived it. I cried my way through it. Somehow. For months.

      I’m nearly six years out from DDay, prepped my old money-pit house for sale all by myself within a year of our settlement, sold off furniture, jewelry, a car, and moved 1,000 miles away from Figment. (He was so caught up in his Twu Wuv moment and protecting his fucking money that he stunningly negotiated his visitation away with his kids. Even my 35-year veteran divorce lawyer was stunned. As was Figment’s lawyer and the judge. So shortsighted. But NMP.) Today, I own my own business, live in a town I absolutely love, own a house again, my kids are finally in good emotional places in their lives, and best of all, I met and married a wonderful man who I am excited to wake up to and share my life with everyday.

      It will get better. You will pick up those shards of your life laying strewn around you. You will decide which of them you’re going to keep and which ones you will discard. You will design a new life for yourself and your kids on your terms. You will.

    • You are so mighty- you ho to work!!!

      But mightier than that is you pray with your children (incredible example) and you inspire strangers like me on chump lady with your comforting posts.

      You are a favorite!❤️

    • Sunflower,

      Anything that you do, anything, to keep your children in a reliable, safe, healthy, happy routine is MIGHTY. Anything that you do, no matter how small, to make yourself feel better about your surroundings (cleaning, painting) is MIGHTY. You got this! xoxo

    • Hey Sunflower, you do more
      than most with “unchumped” lives.
      I’ll be thinking of your mightiness. And a prayer for you!

    • I agree with everyone else’s comments here. You ARE mighty Sunflower! Choosing to LIVE each day is a feat in the wake of these crappy circumstances. The fact that you are getting up and getting your kids where they should be is mighty. I second CL – proper painting prep is mighty!

    • Sunflower. Mighty is doing the right thing. Doing the day-to-day responsibly, taking care of what’s important, and showing your kids that this is what grace looks like when your life goes to fucking hell. Cherish yourself — You are awesome!!!

    • Sunflower, I remember waking up feeling like 1000 pounds on my chest, sucking air, wandering around in a haze and crying at the drop of a hat. I cried everywhere and had emotional vomit. It’s a finite period of time. Your daily victories are herculean, savor them. Hug your children, hug yourself. If you need to cry, cry. You will be in a different place in six months, in a year, in two….CN is a great place to come for support. We’ve got you.

    • No sunflower!

      You are doing it!! One day at a time. We all work on our own pace at this!! Your cupboards will be beautiful!! Keep it up!!!!!

    • You cleaned your car, sanded, got your kids and regularly got you and kids out the door? I think that all those things together even when people aren’t going through crisis is incredible!

    • Wow – hats off to you for that! I can’t begin to imagine sufficient energy or oomph for that project. Most days even now I feel I can hardly get out of bed.

    • You will look back at this time and realize that you were doing an awesome job. Nomar is right.

      Be gentle with yourself. Your don’t run a marathon the day after surgery.

      I kept a gratitude journal. Alot of days I struggled to write three things I was grateful for. I’d end up writing vaugue things like : life ,job, kids. Like you , most days I stuck to the basics: get to work, get kids to school, try to do job, home. Many evenings I skipped cooking. In fact I hated the idea of cooking for nearly two years after . That was upsetting to me because I love to cook! But the whole experience stole my joy in things I loved. Now it’s back.

      I also allowed friends to take me places. I accepted invitations ( though I didn’t want to). But now when I look back at that time I have the memory of the shit storm with some good memories. Dont stop making good memories!
      Have a games night with your children. Go on random walks. Watch a TV show together or have movie night. Plant a tree. Plant some veggies…watch them die. Get a pet. Go to church.

      But like the Johnny walker whiskey commercial says: keep walking.

      Or Dorey in finding Nemo: keep on swimming.

      Or as the saying goes: fall down seven; get up eight

      Or as Frank Sinatra says: get back in the ring

      Or as my friend said: a bad thing has happened to you so you will feel bad. Doesn’t mean you have depression

      Nuff love to you and the kids!

    • No you are mighty! Doing all that is mighty. It’s not easy going through this, taking care of your family, and staying the sane parent. An outsider might not get it, but we get it. It’s freakin hard.

    • Sunflower – You’re not epically sucking, you are doing what mighty people do in the face of epic pain. Give yourself credit for getting up and being there for your children in the face of this. That takes strength, and I’m proud of you.

    • So you’re living an adult, consistent life for yourself and your children, everyone is fed, doing what they need to do, on time, ticking along and meanwhile you’re doing some home /life admin. I’d say that’s very mighty. Extremely mighty in fact, considering how many, many others flounder around at the least sign of something amiss!

  • I finally found my anger yesterday, I sent a text to the witch whore after she asked me to tell our son not to talk to her like he does and refuses to help take them to their activities even though I’ve just broken my leg in 3 places! After texting it I broke my silence on Facebook and posted it for all to see!! Feels bloody good! Post is below:

    What I’m posting here is my text response to my kids mum saying she can’t take our children to their pre arranged activities as I’ve broken my leg in three places! She has them two nights per week and every second weekend since I left after discovering her affair, but taking them to their only outlets from the mad life she has inflicted on them is too much for her as ‘shes busy’! She told our 11 yr old son that I should learn to get the bus, should add that I’m sitting on a sofa with my leg propped up completely unable to move in a village where I have no family or friends to help out. She text to say if our son talks to her like he has done again he can find his own way… this is my response (if anyone doesn’t like what I’m saying here then unfriend me, please take your immoral coward ass and fuck off!!) and finally here is my response to saying I should learn to take the bus…

    ‘I need to learn to get a bus!!!My leg is broken in 3 places! I’m confined to my home and cannot go anywhere. Taking them to parkour is not for me it’s for them. You self centred, selfish bitch! You don’t deserve to call yourself a mum, you are the worst bloody mum that ever existed!!! What happened to you! You fucked an old man behind my back and have became step mum to 3 kids with one on the way, destroyed my life and our children’s with it, took everything we built together, I hope you choke on old man cock you stupid fucker! If the tables were turned I would do anything to help our kids have normality! Who the fuck have you become, and you talk about kindness on Facebook you! I wish I left you on the street corner where I found you, 18 people before me at 16 should have been a bloody warning!!! Oh and happy fucking anniversary!! Oh and yes this is my anger, my therapist told me I should let it out so there you go you manipulative selfish evil monster! I am no longer in your narcissistic sociopathic grip and can say whatever the hell I like to you without recourse, you can’t do anymore than you’ve already done to me. I hope some day you fall in love, spend 17 years with someone and they cheat on you from the beginning and they fuck you over, take everything you ever worked for, treat your children like shit and show no remorse for the life long hurt they have inflicted on you, I hope you wake every day with the lies running through your head and the betrayal weighing on your chest like a gallon drum! Our children will grow old, and they will know who was there for them always, me! I never let them down, they are always on my mind, always my first thought before any other and funnily enough always with me in our home that we have created together since we were abandoned before Xmas and you moved your old man in! This is my anger that I have withheld for so long, I am angry that our children have had to suffer for your choices, I am angry that they have had to grow in age so quickly and their innocence taken away at such a young age. I am angry that they said to me can we just pretend that mummy loves us like you do!!! We started this family together and you ended it by telling lies to everybody and betraying everyone’s trust in you, to steal a newly married man from his pregnant wife while charged with looking after their first child is despicable! Finding cum stained nickers in the laundry basket, seeing you kiss him in the reflection of the Tv, finding you together in my home time after time and still no honesty! To turn your back on so many memories and destroy them is unforgivable, but you get to keep those along with our family home, all our possessions and my heart. Good luck in your life, as someone who lives with regret and has had family members begging for forgiveness, I know your future, it is filled with torment, guilt and regret. Good luck living with that! In what you have done you have set me free, I am free from
    you to live the life I was supposed to live. I thank you for our children, but that’s it. Oh how I wish I had found another to have children with, someone who would love and care for them as I do. But I found you, and I will forever regret that they call you Mum! Why you just couldn’t find the courage to leave me if you were unhappy rather than having an affair and destroying everything I do not know. You are a coward and a low life! I revelled in who I thought you were, you were always the subject of my stories, how we met, our living in secret, our proposal, our marriage, our struggle to go on in life despite everything, you were my hero, but you were never that person that I built you up to be. I say mean things because you have hurt me beyond your understanding, and it is how I feel. I need to release it, and now it has been. You lack the empathy to understand how others feel, I hope these words make a dent in your world. If not, it doesn’t matter as I’ve said what needed to be said. And I feel elated for it. Tonight you are my therapist, and I’ve had my final session because I am cured! I won’t rely on you for the kids anymore, I think them and me know that it’s pointless…….. lots of dots there just how you like it even though you don’t even know what they mean! Oh and fucking religious bloke my arse! Hahahahaha have a good life! Thank you for setting me free!!!!!!’

    Again if you don’t like the truth, unfriend me and fuck off!!!

    • Hey Free — Oh man, that all sucks. The very hardest part of single parenting (for me anyway) is when you get sick, or injured, and don’t have the physical wherewithal to do the job. And I know how AWFUL it is to think at this point, your lowest and most vulnerable, that you’re child’s other parent will step up. Even just a little. I remember once having stomach flu, you know the kind where you barf every 5 minutes and cannot stand up to leave the toilet? That kind. And I asked son’s father to pick child up from school. And he agreed…. and… he did not show up. The school called me. So I had to somehow get up out of my sick bed and drive to that school. And after I retrieved my child (it’s now like 6:30 in the evening, way past After Care hours) — he shows up — to YELL at me.

      All to say, Free, I GET IT. And you can unfriend me, but you CANNOT show your vulnerable underbelly to this woman. There’s an expression my lawyer husband uses about law “If it feels good, DON’T DO IT.” She can use that rant against you. (Even if every word is true.) Just do NOT let her see your pain and anger. It’s kibbles to her. She gets OFF on being unreliable and hurting people. I know it’s fucked up, but it’s true.

      This is what you do instead, with that parkour thing — you get a class list. And you call those TOTAL STRANGERS other parents on that class list, and you ask if they wouldn’t mind driving your kid to practice, because of a family health crisis (your leg). Or you call the coach and ask if he can ask the class. You REACH OUT.

      I’ve had to do it. And you can do it. I promise you the chances are MUCH GREATER that total strangers will step up for your kid than their own mother will. And that is incredibly sad, but that is what breeding with a fuckwit is.

      Keep your sane parent hat on. Vent your rage here. Find an outlet. But don’t let her see it, and don’t let your kids feel it. They need you — even with that leg — to be strong for them.

      Hang in there. I know it sucks epically.

      • That Facebook post is now shared with Chump Nation. She cannot see it here and we have your back!
        Please delete it from Facebook.
        We understand your anger and sympathize with your situation but you don’t need to let her see that anger. She can use it against you to keep your children away from you.
        Trust Chump Lady.

      • Agreed with CL’s commentary.

        Avoid venting on Fakebook. Word will surely get back to your cheater and she will bask in the glow of getting your ire up.

        Let your feelings show here on CN, and then listen to the advice that is given.
        A broken leg will heal
        A broken heart will heal

        Be the sane parent and be the best father you can be to your children. Use your anger to improve the quality of life for YOU and your children. Take a browse through the archives. There are many stories from the quiet achievers on this forum who have turned their lives around by focusing their hurt and anger and turning it into a positive outcome.

      • I can second chump lady on reaching out to other parents to help you. It is humbling. At times makes you feel as if you are not getting your job as a parent done, but so many people will be willing to help you. And especially if they understand your situation, they will do it willingly and with a lot of kindness. I ended up setting up carpools with several parents to make it more manageable.

        It ended up being so much easier than asking my ex, who was undependable and every time I sent him a text asking, he would take it as an open door to start sending me crap text messages. Not worth it.

      • Free to live your x is a monster. And i am so sorry for you and your boys. I also was told to take the bus. I was trying to help my kid. These people are bastards. Real living breathing pieces of human scum. And im being generous with the whole “human” part. Finding your anger is so incredibly important!!! Tell that bitch to burn in hell. And then let her burn. And she will. Chump lady is right. Its so hard to stay strong when dealing with these people that casually ripped out you and your kids heart but if you can try to. That is how i am mighty for now. I had to deal with my x and i didnt give him anything. I cried before and after but not in front of that son of a bitch. That may not sound like a lot but for me it was. Hold on to that anger. You are completely justified in it and its will help you get through everything.

        • Free i would also like to add that i get everything you said. You really want the whole world to know how horrible these people are. I remember being told dont let them see you being emotional and thought that was just another unnatural thing that was being thrust upon me. I still find it so hard to not text them or talk to them. But….once you really do let it sink in, and that takes time, it becomes easier to not give them anything. I think its a miracle we dont herd up these people and send them to the moon. Anything else is an act of graciousness as far as im concerned. But you will realize you and your kids matter more. You slowly but surly learn you can expect nothing from these monsters and it is not a reflection of you.

      • Well, that’s a lot of anger unleashed right there Free to Live. I unleashed mine at my class reunion. What a better way to let the small town voicebox spread the truth about the dickless wonder. It wasn’t a rant. Just a few choice words.

        Anger is justified. Now that it’s done I’d delete the post as it will come back to you in ways that can cost you in the end. Yup, the slut will use it to say you are violent, unstable or unfit. Take your pick.

        As CL states, vent here. You don’t want to load her gun. Any attention to Cluster B’s feeds them. Stop that! What happened to your leg?

        I was seven months in a cast dislocated two bones in right ankle. I attempted to drive with my left foot. Don’t try it! Trust me.

        She sucks. Stop talking to a cunt. Get better.

        • Someone here calls it letting your shirt tail hang out in public. I let mine hang out last October on Halloween. I ripped my ex-husband a new one on text with incredibly vulgar and colorful phrases. It got me a visit from the sheriff a ticket for lewd and lascivious content communicated over an electronic device.

          Fortunately, I behaved myself for the next three months, and the judge threw it out. However, I’m in hot water again. And it such that I can’t discuss it here At this time. Which is reasona at this time. Which is The reason my mighty sucks

            • I am sorry that you got yourself in trouble. I have unleashed quite a bit of fury via text and email. Ex finally put his foot down and said I had to be civil, so I knew I had to cool it. It sucks because they deserve every bit of it, but it’s not like they care, anyway. I think that has finally sunk in for me. They don’t care, not one little bit…

          • I second removing the public vent. When I was sent a photo of X with his whore that he claimed he was not having an affair with (they were lovingly snuggled on my XILs sofa two weeks after our two month divorce), I went batshit crazy. Texted him what I thought of him, her, and the entirety of his family. The whore used my text to say I was harassing her (she lied and said I sent it to her personal email) to file an injunction against harassment against me, and he used it to file a restraining order. If it is in writing, imagine a judge reading it aloud in court. They don’t give a damn if you were wronged by an affair and the consequences of that. Sadly, affairs (in most places) aren’t illegal, but justified anger can be if written.

            Hang in there. I’m nearly five years from that bullshit – there is light on the other side.

      • Yah. Now that we have learned how to cope with narcissists, life is going to give us lots of practice.

        There are narcs in my faith community, too. I put into practice with them, those lessons I learned here, at ChumpLady’s knee. DON’T SHARE YOUR FEELINGS WITH THEM. Just the facts. They don’t give a damn about your feelings. Remember?

      • Thanks for the advice CL! You’re right of course. I shouldn’t have posted it and took it down. I shouldn’t have text it to her in the first place either. I guess I held the anger in for so long it just felt great to let it out and show everyone who she really is, and that’s not even half of the mental stuff she’s pulled.

        Good idea on reaching out to parents, I know the owners mum too so can reach out and see if anyone can help. I held no contact for last few months but breaking my leg meant I had to reach out. I should know now that each time I do it just leads to disappointment for the children…

        • It’s a hard lesson and it took me forever to internalize it, but the best way forward is to forge new relationships (like with total stranger other parents) and rely on fuckwits for NOTHING. Sadly, your kids will follow your lead. They will figure out who has their back and who doesn’t. They have to figure that relationship out for themselves, but meanwhile, you take care of you, and don’t expect any kindness or understanding from her quarter.

          The upside of this is, after time, you fill your life with people who really matter, who show up, and you’re there for them too. And pretty soon your life will be meh, and fuckwit, who?

          Hang in there and heal up.

          • Free to Live, CL is right. Look at it this way: This present misfortune might just be opening the door to your new life, full of new friends and neighbors who are more than happy to help you out. People are generally good, and you and your children are going to learn that very soon, once you reach out for help.

            • Free, big hugs, take a breath. You got this. When your on the floor there is only one direction to go. “Up”. Your kids love you and you love them, that’s mighty.

        • It is so hard to keep it all bottled up so that when it does burst out the anger really flows. I was lucky that when my rant came pouring out it was verbal so no paper trail. I very nearly slapped him, so glad I managed to hold that in.

          Keep ranting here all you want. We get it. You are just expressing everything we want to say to our exes. We know she deserves every word of it even if she’ll never get it.

          Honestly, Elaina Bobbit (not sure I spelled that right, it was a long time ago) seems like a perfectly sane, rational person to me, but alas, most of the rest of the world doesn’t see it that way. Pity.

          Even though it seems like your ex is getting off without consequences, however, the fact is that there are more people out there than it may seem who will think she is everything you called her in your rant, they just won’t say it out loud. Nobody can ever really take seriously someone who commits adultery and then abandons the former spouse and the kids in favor of strange. Most people would view that as stupid at best and evil at worst. Only a fuckwit would do that and most people know it.

    • Well.

      My leg is not broken in three places.

      So there’s that.

      Dude, she’s a bitch, you’re mighty as hell, and we’ve got your back.

      Now take that off Facebook. Trust me.

    • Hey freetolive, seriously what a whacked out individual she is, I’m so sorry. Hugs forever, I really get the venting, we’ve all let the anger out one way or another. I hope you can wrap your children in love and protect them..,,

    • I’m glad you let out your anger towards xw, however, I do want to advise you not to post on Facebook. She gets off on the attention your rant is giving her and it could back fire on you….
      I know it sucks, truly I do, but save the rants for here, Chump Nation, we got you.
      I hope your leg heals quickly.

    • All that CN has said about not giving her kibbles is true.

      But still, there’s this: “I hope you choke on old man cock.”

      Best line of the day. May it be so!

      My version would be: “May you suffocate in the rotting pussy of your slunt.”

      BAHAHA

      Thanks, Chump Nation, for letting this sweet little Christian girl’s alter ego come out in full force in this safe place. <3

      • That was a pretty good line.

        No chance that will happen to Mrs. Alp-Ho Twatwaffles though, since Mr. Twatwaffles cock is so microscopically small….she might as well be a Lesbian

    • Free to Live, I am so very sorry 😢😢😢😢. The exact same thing (with different details) happened to me and my kids… serial cheater, blindsided on the holiday, devalued, completely discarded— 26 years of my life upended in an instant by a sociopath/narcissist/BOD/selfish evil bastard.
      Sending support and loving thoughts💖💖💖💖

    • I’ve been there free to live. The Worm sat there with me in the ER while I was having flooding periods like Niagara Falls. He had a tantrum because the horrible internet service wouldn’t allow him to get his “work” done. I now know he was texting Pookie while I was gushing blood.
      I hope he gets the life he deserves.
      But Chumplady is right. It’s difficult for us feeling, caring humans to be calculating with our emotions, but you should find another way to vent….

    • Free to Live, Wow I could have said 80% of what you said about my Ex and oh how I wanted to.
      Here’s the problem though — you HAVE to deal with her whether you like it or not until the youngest kiddo is 18 and you just made your life much harder with that rant even though it is all true.
      Remember that your Ex is obviously disordered and she most likely has no empathy so your rant will not cause her shame rather she will use it as image management (see how crazy and obsessed with me he is) and can use it in court against you.

      You are doing the right things but try really hard to go grey rock with the Ex –it’s the only way.
      To add to what CL said, my old boss used to say “it feels really good for a few seconds to hit a wasps nest with a stick but a few seconds later not so much”.

      • Grey rock is absolutely the way to go. UXworld is the Jedi master here on grey rock. Hang in there my friend. It will get better.

    • Very well said, I too revealed in who I thought Cheater was, valued our history together, I thought we were a team, best friends, my partner for life, I looked forward to our future and someday reminiscing on our life together from the small one bedroom apartment to moving across country, graduations, marriage, our families, our shared memories that I believed w both valued.
      Silly me thought he was something much more than the low life he actually is. How very sad I bred with such a trash. Thinking I’d found a family man who valued our son as much as I did.
      No, instead of wanting the best for our son and being proud of our sons accomplishments, cheater was jealous.
      A pathetic human being,

      • Well it did have a big impact. Firstly for her as lots of friends saw it and obviously damaged her Mary Poppins image. But unfortunately it’s ended up hurting the kids more. She told the kids I’d posted about her on Facebook and sent her mean texts and to tell Daddy I’ve blocked him. So she ended up blocking my phone, email everything. She then promised the kids different pick up drop offs for Parkour on different days that she might be able to do and by the time they got here they literally have no clue who’s taking them where. They’re really confused now and it’s causing a lot of difficulty for me.

        Child services were visiting her today anyway so I gave them a call and asked them to try and get her to stop communicating through the children. I what’s app’d her and asked can she please let me know what she’s promised the kids as I need to organise their days. She blocked me on that too seconds later.

        Throughout finding out about the affair, her getting me falsely arrested, taking my home and everything I own I have always communicated for the kids no matter what she does to me. Learned a big lesson, and in doing so gave up the high road at the same time and made the kids lives even harder than they already are.

  • I signed a contract for a house on Monday.

    I decided to sell the marital home as part of the divorce because I wanted a new start and to get my daughter into a better school district. The ex decided 36 hours before our final hearing that he wanted it. As much as the thought of him moving back in with the 25 year old OW after we lived there for 20 years makes me want to hurl, it saves me from having to get the house ready to sell. Added bonus is that the stupid ass forgot that within about 2 years, the roof, furnace, and water heater will need replaced and the chimney needs rebuilt.

    So while I will be making a new home for my family (about 400 sq ft bigger, I might add), he will be paying about $20k in repairs.

    • Aaaaaand, she gets to live in a house where you were. No real “fresh start” for the ex hubs. He’s just changing out appliances while you will really begin a new and wonderful journey.

      • It is creepy that she would even agree to live there. Another added bonus is that I did about 95% if the maintenance (yardwork, updates, cleaning, etc). So while he is dishing out the money for repairs, she will be busting her butt to keep the house up.

        • My ex’s new babe sleeps in my former marital bed. Same mattress even. Doesn’t even bother her. Standards are sooooooo looooooow

        • Congratulations get me free, sooo mighty. Him bringing the whore to your home just makes it obvious that she is a new victim not a partner. No normal person would want to follow him there.

          He doesn’t get the repair thing because he has never adulted. Caution, Consequences ahead!

          • Thanks. I have to admit, it feels REALLY good to keep moving things to the “In the past” column. Getting free has taken me over 2 years. Definitely has made me develop patience.

            And I can hear the Karma bus coming. But the wonderful part is I am caring less and less. I wouldn’t say that I have had my Tuesday yet but I no longer doubt it is coming.

    • GetMeFree…I actually think it is funny/weird when OW move into our homes. They were originally our homes! Our marks are all over them, via memories, decor, even energy (if you believe in that sort of thing). Congratulations on your new start, where you will make new memories!

      • Yep. Until she redoes everything, she will have reminders of me and the fact that he had a family with me. Plus, knowing the ex, he will want certain things to be as they were with me and the house we had. Where to put the Christmas tree? “It goes here” type of things. Which cupboards to put the glasses? Etc…

    • Hey if she wants your leftover( slightly run down) home that he built memories in that she had no part of—she can have at it!!! You build new good memories in your new home!!

    • GetMeFree: That is absolutely badass. Mighty to the max – I love it! 😀

      I did not want to leave my family home, but in the end had to because the shattered dreams and memories were too much for me to bear (I tried to reconcile for 18 months before moving out for good). STBXW can choose to either buy me out, or we sell. Either way I will get my equity that I have put in all these years, which should allow me a deposit for my own place down the track.

      And LOL @ the maintenance and other requirements. I am humorously thinking about how my STBXW will manage all of that around our house, as I used to do the grass, most of the washing, and other handyman type stuff to keep the place ticking over, even though I was looking after the kids most of the time anyway so had little time to properly do it.

  • How I’ve been mighty lately is that I’ve been spending significantly less time dwelling on it all. I’m two and a half years post D-day. I’ve been divorced a little over a year. What’s been occupying my mind lately is my upcoming move. I’ve been on the east coast for decades. During my entire twenty year marriage, all the extended family activity including holidays was with his family, not mine. Geographically speaking, they were here where we are living. I regret that I did not make more effort to spend time with my own family on the west coast. So when my ex left, I felt like I’d lost an entire extended family, not just a husband. I’ve lost twenty years of holiday traditions. Now the OW is sitting at my MIL’s table during the holidays with my kids. That’s been really painful. So, with no family of my own here, I am moving to my home state after being away all of my adult life. My amazing and mighty children are moving with me of course. I can’t say enough about how incredible my children are. We’re giving up a roomy home to get a small apartment. Last night, I was on the phone with my brother. We had a big conversation about Christmas coming up. He said to me, we’re all going to squeeze into your apartment. And he listed all the family members who will be coming. Siblings nephews nieces. Coming to my home, in my home state, for Christmas! I’ve never had my family for Christmas, not ever. I’m so happy I can hardly see straight!

      • You guys are all mighty!!!

        I read all your comments and now feel very emotional.

        My mightiness comes from all the things I’ve done since Dday that I wouldn’t have done if still with the freak.

        Lots of travel, taking our ‘honeymoon’ trip with friends and having a much much better time, setting myself up at work, getting involved in a start up, living independently, growing in confidence, forging new friendships and learning to laugh more.

        I feel more myself than I have in years!

        I posted on the forum about spotting the freak and OW, and looking them both squarely in the eye is a moment of mightiness for me.

        Couldn’t have done this without chump nation – love you.

    • Struggling, you and I are close on the timeline (DDay 12/27/14, GTFO day 5/20/15, Divorced 3/17). I’m moving out of my 21 year neighborhood in 3 weeks because lovely BF and I and our two youngest teens are moving into the house of our (new Life 2.0) dreams: same school district, only a few miles away, but on the waterfront and we can do all our water sports and boating, gourmet kitchen and table for 12 (I love to host family dinners and used to entertain a lot and hope to soon). ❤️

    • One of the best holidays I ever spent was in a tiny mobile home (my Mom’s) and we had two turkeys, and 10 to 12 people (I never really got a good number!) and the place rocked like that little country church in the Muppet movie! There’s never a bad holiday with everyone you love.

    • Hi Struggling, I can so relate to how you feel. I spent 80% of my holiday time seeing my ex’s family…I felt really close to them, and I am still grieving the loss of my in laws, my nieces and nephew, cousins…they aren’t mine anymore. My ex mother in law even quit talking to me (I suspect after my ex asked her to), but that hurt a lot. We were good friends for 13 years. He cheated, he left me for OW, but I lost half my family. I think you are so smart to move closer to your parents. That’s what I did, and their unconditional love and support has been such a huge difference. It helps fI’ll up that void for me. All the best to you.

  • I’m quite a loooong way out…..3.5 years.
    My father recently had a stroke and then passed away. During his illness my ex got word on Facebook and contacted me…..seemed genuine, I had a nice conversation with him re what had been going on with my dad.
    When my dad passed he had the schmoopie text me their condolences……and we’re back to no contact.
    37 days since that text.
    When you are mourning the death of your father, he has to hit me with the AP. I’m long over him and have a nice life, wouldn’t trade it for anything……but just shitty.
    It made me feel mighty because it was the first time I really feel peace in my heart that no matter what he reaches out to me about I’ll never again break my no contact……put it in an email buddy.

    • Great advice. NC is valuable.

      You feel bad about something and want to tell me so, Cheater? Too bad. Life wasn’t, and still isn’t, all about you.

      It’s a boundary, not a negotiation. Deal with it, Cheater.

  • No contact was the best thing i did. After leaving fuckface ofcourse. But getting off that roller coaster about 18 months ago was the beginning of a new chapter. That was the last day i saw his face or heard his voice or was anywhere near him. Since then I moved onto a new job with great people, got a new place in beautiful downtown chicago, in the best shape I’ve ever been and have amazing family around me. Some days are
    Still hard but I’m fortunate in many ways so do my best to stay positive and try not to think of him, which is not easy. But it’s ok. I loved him with all my heart. That doesn’t just go away. But glad that I did.

    Thank you to this community. Love reading all the mightiness here.

  • Mighty? I need the count the days since I have not seen his face like Pret. It has been since May 2017. He still initiates contact over too much stuff – most of which I ignore. I have shared his texts with a few people including therapist – they agree he is mean and cruel.

    My mighty? I was able to file my own motion as he was not complying with divorce decree. That means I had him served, and did all the paperwork correctly. He complied prior to the court date – but I made it onto my judges docket! I saved myself at least $1000.

    Live is peaceful, lonely at times but peaceful.

    • I find the lonely of actually being single to be more palatable than the lonely of living with an absent person who isn’t participation fully in the partnership. Ostracization is abuse. It is my hope that you are having the same experience, that even though it’s tough, it’s better.

  • I’m five years out from d day. I have my own home, a growing residential cleaning business and I support my special needs daughter. I’m doing well. I’m much happier without the narcissistic sociopath.

    I drive around with copies of CL’s book in the back of my car. Whenever someone mentions a friend or family member going through infidelity, I hand them the book and direct them to this site!!! PLEASE, support this site!!! It saved my life!! It’s helping a lot of people!!!

    Go CN, go!!! Woo hoo!!!

  • It’s been almost six years since I’ve seen the ex. It’s been almost three years since son and I moved into our own house (had been living in a one bedroom apartment in a not-so-good area after separation/divorce). Son is about to finish his first year of high school. He’s in the IB program, looking at colleges that have the degree he wants and, if he keeps his grades where they are, he’ll be able to go tuition free. He’s also in JROTC where he just got his third promotion this year and was made platoon commander (each class is a platoon, he’s now in charge of his class). He also signed up for entrepreneurship classes starting next year as one of his goals is to own his own gaming company.

    Me, I have a job I love. Slowly working on the house renovations. And enjoying only having to deal with one teenager, not two. lol Also very close to Tuesday.

    Life isn’t what I thought it would be, but we’re happy and content.

  • My new puppy has made me mighty – I wake up laughing and she makes me (and everyone who sees her) smile all day.

    While she sleeps in a crate at night, we sometimes take a nap together in bed or on the couch. Her favorite position is with her face nuzzled into my neck. It has been a very l o n g time since anyone was so excited to sleep with me!!!

    Right before a horrific DDay, the ex went with me and our youngest son to adopt a dog. This man who was desperate for me to catch him cheating, talked me into bringing home a new dog for “us” fully well knowing it would be my responsibility.

    After DDay I really, really tried for over a year to give everything to this sweet dog. I dragged myself out to make the her life as full as possible. But after two psychiatric inpatient stays, I couldn’t do it anymore. I had to do what was best for her. I had a dog sitter with a 3 year old son. The dog and the boy were inseparable and he cried whenever the dog had to leave their house. The dog sitter, her husband and son were ecstatic to welcome the dog into their family.

    I always wondered what kind of a person gives away a dog if they have the means to take care of them? I felt like such a failure and carry that shame to this day.

    Five years later, I am divorced, have a new home in a new place that I love. I took a leap of faith and moved somewhere I always wanted to live. Didn’t know a single person here. Forced myself to make a few friends, joined a book club and worked on the house and my garden. My heart may not always sing out loud but my walls do.

    I knew I wanted a puppy in my life so I took a deep breath and did it. I needed to tell myself that I had successfully raised great dogs in the past and that the story of my last dog did not have to happen again.

    This little girl is truly little. She was supposed to be about 8-9 pounds but will probably only get to be 6-7; even that is a maybe. But she is spunky. No one told her she is small so she has self-confidence and sees herself as an equal to any other dog. She is outgoing and it’s hysterical to see so much happy personality it such a tiny form.

    I am training her to be a therapy dog; we will visit hospitals and nursing homes together. I want to share the smiles she brings to people with those who cannot be with dogs.

    She brings light into my life, smiles to my face and heart and loves to kiss me more than anything. And she makes me feel mightily.

    Sometimes it just about the little things in life!

    • “It has been a very l o n g time since anyone was so excited to sleep with me!!!”

      Coffee up my nose. Thanks for the laugh!

    • Don’t be too hard on yourself for having to re-home that dog. You found a wonderful home and I am sure that there is absolutely no hard feelings with that mutt.

      They know more than we give them credit for. I’m sure she is happy you are doing well and are so much better.

      • Maybe the universe planned it this way so that the dog was meant to find the forever it has now. It found its true home through you.

    • Some kind of Mighty! moving to a place where you know no-one and making friends. I was typing that and it came to me that I did that once 31 years ago and it was mighty. Fuckwit never gave me any credit for that but I was mighty and with stories like yours to inspire me, I will be again.

      Sounds like your puppy is the good karma you deserve!

    • “ you had to do what was right for her” I’m involved in rescue work, it takes real empathy and typical of chumps that they can see this. It’s the selfish people that hang onto dogs that should be rehomed for whatever reason, because they think of themselves not the dog, I’ve seen it so many times. You are mighty to do that nothing to be shameful or regretful about. That dog and your puppy are in the right place, enjoy…xx

    • There is such a thing as finding the right “fit” for a family pet. Not every pet is right for every home and vice versa and you did no wrong by that animal. Think of it, foster homes are frequently taking in and re-homing pets to eight families and everyone considers it a community service. Maybe think of it as just “fostering” that dog for awhile.

  • I’m about 5 months out from D-Day. Lost 30lbs, exercise daily, work is going well, and I have lots of friends and family who are very supportive to me and our 12 yo DD. It wasn’t always this way. Just months ago I was despondent, depressed and felt very much alone and rejected. I didn’t eat, sleep, or function very well. It’s going to take time, but I’m finding myself again, and building a great life for me and our daughter.

    Him? Funny you should ask.

    He’s broke from leasing an apartment he can’t afford so he has a place to take our DD (in reality he lives with the AP). Gained 50 lbs, not sleeping, job is at risk due to poor performance, and health problems up the wazoo. His family and lots of friends aren’t buying his drivel about how this is my fault, etc. DD found out about the affair due to his having left his phone unlocked and saving naked pictures of him and his AP on it, and while she does see him for scheduled visits, she spends her time with him on the phone or otherwise ignoring him. That’s a long road for she and he that I don’t envy, but therapy and my own healing will help DD as STBX continues to disintegrate.

    It ain’t easy, recovery isn’t for wimps and I liken this to breaking a drug habit. But I can see where I’m heading, and it’s exciting, scary, and full of hope. I look where I was, with him? NEVER AGAIN.

    I forgot who I was for a long time. He taught me I was nothing, nobody, worthless. It’s only because of this betrayal I can really see myself. I am somebody, with more value than I expected, worth a mountain of love and respect. I have the love and admiration of my child, she feels safe with me. I have good support, my own job, and a good future. I remember who I was, who I am, and not only am I worth it, I’m also the calculating bitch he always claimed I was, particularly when it comes to protecting the security and safety of our daughter’s future.

    • I can relate to forgetting who we really are, feeling nothing, nobody, worthless. But we rose from the ashes, because Mighty!

  • I’m not sure if this is mighty or the total opposite. I quit my job, I really wasn’t enjoying it and it was stressing me out worrying about going back after maternity leave. I have decided to concentrate on my children. I have had to go on benefits which isn’t ideal but the alternative would have been far worse. I plan on doing some training or similar to find a new career when they are both at school.

    I would never have been able to do this if I had still been with cheater, we never even talked about the possibility with DS. I am gaining a life where I can put my children first, and I can be in charge of my financial future and not have to worry about someone gambling it away.

    • I don’t think there is anything wrong with a temporary use of benefits to get yourself into a better place in life. You have a plan and you just need a bit of support. Benefits provide that when needed. You won’t stay there, but there’s nothing wrong with using it to your advantage if needed.

      Good luck.

  • I have worked tirelessly the last two months to get the house on the market to sell; it’ll be up in 2 weeks. The irony of all of this: I get 100% of the profit, I do not have to share a penny with him, but I HAVE to move. Always about power and control with Douchebag McGee. One of my friends said it’s because he doesn’t want you shagging another man in the house….check, already done. So on Mother’s Day I will be moving into my new place with my youngest. Memories have been taken to the local shred events or given away.

    Exactly two years ago my ex was sending me a video saying how he was going to the beach, alone, to think about us and get himself in a place so he could be a better husband (UBT: I am fucking homeslice, be back when the weekend is over). When I found out the truth, I was devastated. I literally wanted to die, I never thought I would make it. Two years later, I am divorced, life is so much calmer and I am in a much better space. I still have some things to work through….bottom line is this has been traumatic….since I still have an emotional response when certain things happen, or like last week when he was driving on my street even though he lives 45 minutes away now. Still working through it, but closer to Meh.

    For those just starting on your journey, if you can just get through the day you are mighty. Turned off the alarm and went back to bed? You are mighty for even setting the alarm (I stayed in bed for 6 weeks and cried……luckily I didn’t get fired). Don’t devalue the little things that you accomplish every day. It is hard, it totally sucks. But I promise that in 6 months you will be in a better place if you commit to being in a better space. For me, I journaled every single day. From some of the entries, I was a fucking trainwreck. And then it slowly got better….then many of the entries weren’t even about him any more, it was about me and my growth. And that was when I recognized that I will get through this. And you will too.

    • You guys are all so inspirational – I hope to be there someday soon, and being able to see the goodness and blessings in the new direction my life has taken after confronting my STBXW about her second affair.

      Right now it is all I can do to get out of bed in the morning and deal with the kids (the days I have them).

      I understand the whole trigger thing completely. 3 months after moving out for good, after 18 months post DDay, I still sometimes feel a need to drive down the street our house is on (I say our because I still half own it until she either buys me out or we sell); I am still sometimes hoping to catch the asshole APs car in the driveway or nearby etc. I don’t do it often as I take a different route to/from the kids’ care and school to avoid on purpose, but sometimes I do drive down the street and feel bad for it afterwards.

      I also feel a sense of dread about bumping into STBXW on the train as we still live in the same suburb due to school districts etc. I don’t know how I will handle it.

      Your collective mightiness has really inspired me though!

  • This time last year I was deep in the wreckonciliation trauma chumps all know — hysterical bonding, obsessive marriage policing, no sleep, memory shot, making mistakes at work, and almost nonstop intrusive thoughts about my husband fucking his AP (my young niece). I left him, filed, and did all of the divorce work myself. Lazy rat bastard didn’t even get a lawyer, file his financials, or show up in court but the judge let it go so I could move on.

    Today I am divorced, I’ve got a great new job directing a program in my field, I’ve moved to a new part of the country that I fell in love with on my Road Trip to Meh, and I’m in a new happy relationship with an amazing chump. I have my motorcycle helmet while the cheater ex is still waiting for me to answer the email he sent last week asking where it is, because I am No Contact forever now that our joint tax return has been filed. And I got a refund.

      • ImA, it wasn’t just a metaphorical journey to meh — it was also a literal road trip from Maine to California August to December last year. I visited friends and met chumps along the way and back while I ticked things off my Break-up Bucket List. Wonderfully healing.

        • I love that he’s still wondering about the helmet.

          Somehow that just tickles my funny bone, that stupid fucker.

          • My STBXW was so stupid that she didn’t even remove all of her personal files (birth certificate, passport etc) from my filing cabinet in the study before I moved out. She asked me for them 3 months later, even after she knew at least a month in advance I was moving. Needless to say I didn’t give her the kids’ passports etc.

        • Of all things. I am currently on my Road Trip to Meh. Listed and sold my beautiful house full of memories, realized I have no fucking clue what to do with myself or where to do it, put everything in storage and have been on the road for a month now. Am so battered and wounded by Cheaterprick’s intentionally cruel betrayal that getting through the day without crying is still an accomplishment. Trying not to cry takes up a lot of my cognitive processing ability so instead of trying so hard to figure it out myself every day I just hope a feather will fall from the sky with my new zip code on it. The Universe loves me and will not let me down, this I know.

          • Lemonbirch — I listened to some really helpful audiobooks when I was on the road and practiced some techniques to redirect the intrusive thoughts. Maybe we should get in touch off the forum. If you want to, feel free to ask Tempest for my email.

          • Lemonbirch- cry as much as you need to. There is absolutely no shame in that! You are going through it instead of around it and that is when we all truly start to heal.

        • So happy for you Mehta. It was great meeting you all in Tuscon. You deserve all good things and it sounds like you are rocking your new life.

          • Tessie, it was great meeting you too! I hope to see you again some time. And yes, my new life does rock : )

        • Sounds like a great trip. I don’t know how you met chumps along the way but it helps knowing you’re not alone. As we feel here. Proud of your progress forward

  • I stood up in front of a room full of people (including friends from Chump Nation), told my chump story with Her Shittiness and Porkpie Soul Patch in attendance, then sat there and listened to her tell the room about meeting him for the first time and having “the BEST…SEX…I’VE…EVER…HAD” a mere 9 days after blowing up our daughters’ lives with a divorce announcement, while everyone in the room sat there slack-jawed.

    https://youtu.be/8PF_6gdol6c

    That’s some surreal mightiness, made possible in large part by the good people here in CN.

      • I can’t accept credit for that. Kudos to the mighty Chumpella De Ville, who attended that night and commented:

        “…then she went back to sit with her twu luv…who was sporting a porkpie. Which is pretty much a soul patch for your head.”

      • I second that UX-
        YOU ARE MIGHTY!

        And I have to admit the “KK” moniker you gave her always makes me laugh!

    • Uxworld, you and your story are mighty, and your ex is a narcissistic twit.

      What is very impressive about your monologue– you take the high road. You don’t name call or slut shame. You are actually quite decorous when it comes to naming the behavior– “the thing that he had come to do in my house would not be happening”/ “the person he had come to meet” etc. I really love the way you deflect, just at what might be the “point” of the story–“But that is not the stranger…” Say what?

      And then it is just beautiful. Because as justified as you would be in calling out her awful behavior and character, the examination goes inward. Your critical eye turns not to them, but to yourself. And out of that terrible moment comes self-discovery and recognition, a determination to stop spackling, stop pretending, stop lying to yourself. To banish that strange face from the mirror forever. Farewell to Chumpitude. It isn’t a story of revenge, or hate, or spite; it’s all about redemption, and how you saved yourself.

      She’s such an idiot, she can’t even see that your piece isn’t even about her. So fitting that her “revenge” (or whatever you might call it) is to stand up in front of the same crowd and bellow on about the best sex EVAH. Talk about missing the point!

      She shows he true colors. And you show yours: MIGHTY!

      • Thank you SO much for your kind and elegant words Cleo.

        And . . . funny you should mention slut shaming, because that’s exactly what she thinks this is.

        At the height of the #MeToo activity last year, amid all of the horrific stories coming out about actual sexual abuse and coercion, she posted the following on Facebook (I’d already performed a first ‘draft’ of this monologue at an earlier event; RPD was in the crowd and he recorded it on his phone for her benefit):

        “My former partner slutshamed me to friends, family and in public forums. #MeToo”

          • My dad would facetiously say “How DARE you accuse me of doing the things that I have done!”. LOL.
            UX your X is such bottom the shoe stickum.

        • The OW claimed publicly on FB that I slut-shamed her because I called her selfish… Uhhhhh….. Just no.

        • My ex told our uni student daughter, when she said she didn’t need any money from him to fix a car problem, that Mum had sorted it – after no contact from him since he left about 6 weeks earlier – “thanks for making me look like an arsehole.” – Note he said LOOK like NOT FEEL like. All about image management.

          My thoughts? Stop being an arsehole then…

          • They’re so pathetic, it’s always about them, and they’re always projecting. Like you gave your daughter the money to make him look bad. NO! Just because Horsesrcumin is efficient and cares, nothing to do with what you look like, arsehole.

    • You are MIGHTY, UXworld. I hope that someday I possess half the grace and character that you’ve demonstrated. My situation is similar to yours. Someday’s if feels as if we are in a movie like “The Truman Show” where you question if anything about your life was real.

      To paraphrase CL, remember that you’re real and your girls are real. You are a parent who defines what strong character is and your girls are very lucky to have you in their lives. You are a MIGHTY inspiration to me. Thank you for sharing.

    • Holy Cow, that was mighty! I’m 8 weeks past DDay. You described so much of what I feel, but haven’t found the words for. Thank you for sharing this, and what a very brave and honest story to tell. Your ex is just plain mean. Mean people suck (I know that’s cliche, but they really do!)

  • I like the the chuckles and shivers I get as I calmly respond to the question, “Why are you divorced?”

    “Cuz he did a bad thing, and I told him to hit the road, Jack –”

    “Ooooooo, hahahaha –”

    “And dont ya come back no more.”

    “Hahahahahaha!!!!”

    It’s a Mighty, KickAss feeling.

    • Nancy Sinatra

      You keep saying you got something for me
      Something you call love but confess
      You’ve been a’messin’ where you shouldn’t ‘ve been a’messin’
      And now someone else is getting all your best
      These boots are made for walking
      And that’s just what they’ll do
      One of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you
      You keep lyin’ when you oughta be truthin’
      You keep losing when you oughta not bet
      You keep samin’ when you oughta be a’changin’
      Now what’s right is right but you ain’t been right yet
      These boots are made for walking
      And that’s just what they’ll do
      One of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you
      You keep playing where you shouldn’t be playing
      And you keep thinking that you’ll never get burnt (HAH)
      I just found me a brand new box of matches (YEAH)
      And what he knows you ain’t had time to learn
      These boots are made for walking,
      And that’s just what they’ll do
      One of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you
      Are you ready, boots? Start walkin’

  • #1. I started a creative Etsy store for a disabled homebound (but creative) person. Market research, banner, art work, technical know how, bank account, spreadsheet for accounting, product development and storefront presence all created.
    Products are not all in the pipeline.
    Sending out test runs for products, getting excellent reviews so far!
    Planning on handing it all over to her, soon.

    #2. Finishing same marketing/storefront promotion for another single mother Etsy.

    #3. Creating a THIRD concept for sustainable online store for a yet unidentified woman. Locating enough source material, cost analysis before starting my third endeavor.

    Apparently, I have a talent for doing this… … …

      • Magneto,

        You have more talent in your pinkie than anyone I know! You are a huge inspiration to me. Your humor, your talent, your big heart! I’m so mad we went through hell to get here. However, you are one helluva woman and I’m glad I met you on this journey!

    • Magneto,

      You have more talent in your pinkie than anyone I know! You are a huge inspiration to me. Your humor, your talent, your big heart! I’m so mad we went through hell to get here. However, you are one helluva woman and I’m glad I met you on this journey!

  • I feel mighty as of yesterday.. after 2 years divorced from cheating narc I was informed I’ll be getting half of his pension. Monthly checks for rest of my life.

    I was on food stamps while he was traveling the world with now dead OW. 35 years I thought was a good marriage.. quess I was wrong 😒

    But slowly getting better 👍🏻

  • The act of filing for divorce felt pretty mighty. The day before filing, I informed my wife and she begged me to give her sixty days so she could see if the other relationship would work out. Can’t make this up. She then left for vacation with the adultery partner the very next day leaving me with our one-year-old son. Needless to say I haven’t looked back.

  • I haven’t posted in here in a long time – but still stop by occasionally and always steer women I meet or know who are in the early stages of D-day hell to this site and to CLs amazing book! It’s been 6 years for me – six years of being a suddenly single mom (ex was too busy with the shiny new OW to bother with things like visitation or even the occasional visit) – working like crazy at two jobs to make ends meet – getting my oldest off to college – moving several times as rentals kept getting sold….to today. Today, I am happily remarried to a kind good man (he was a chump too!). We are making plans to purchase a home later this year after several years of hard work to repair our credit (we both lost our homes in our divorces). My youngest and his youngest are very good students and will be headed to college next year. His oldest just finished grad school and mine graduates college in December. Our kids have survived and thrived!! We are both on civil terms with our exes (and so grateful they are exes). We both have good jobs (my ex is unemployed as usual…). We bought a little RV to keep at the beach last year with plans to have a permanent beach retreat one day. We both sing in a worship choir and our spiritual life is full. Life is peaceful!! I don’t miss a single thing about my former marriage at all – what I have now is authentic and strong and forever. That is what I wish for everyone reading this post! Love to all of you mighty men and women who are creating a new reality out of the ashes of your former existence!

    • > “… what I have now is authentic and strong and forever…”

      So happy to hear that and can’t even begin to imagine what that might feel like. So inspiring! I hope I can find that for myself someday, after realising that the last 13 years of my marriage have been nothing but stress and chaos (with good times scattered between), culminating in my STBXW cheating on me and our kids for the second time. Glad to be rid of her but miss what I imagined my life was!

  • I feel like my life was a series of missteps every since my X entered it. Before we got married I landed a job at an internationally known company. It felt like my career was about to take off. One week after we were married I was laid off. I no longer had the ambition in my career because I was taking care of so much stuff at home.

    Fast forward to last year… I was left during cancer. During cancer treatment I took care of our child and home while he went out partying. My X got another woman pregnant (she is due any day). I live in a home that hasn’t had any repairs made to it since the 80s because every time we had extra money we ended up having to fix one of X’s poor decisions.

    This February the divorce was final a year after he left. At the end of the month I was let go from a job I loved. But since I didn’t have the X around for a year, I had money saved up and didn’t panic. I filed taxes separate from him, leaving him with a pretty hefty tax bill that I am not responsible for and boy does that feel good! I just got hired back at that internationally known company with a significant pay increase. It feels like I’ve come full circle and am completely starting over! And I will also be replacing the floors in a room in my house. So finally some home improvements!

    Also, my hair turned out fabulous today without me even trying!

    • I’m happy for you and I’m glad things are finally looking ipnfor you.

      It’s amazing what happens when you realize their void is being filled with benefits.

      How are you health wise?

      • I’ve been officially NED since October!! Had some slight lymphodema that I got treatment for. Still detoxing from all the treatments, so occasionally weird things pop up like reactions to makeup, etc. I also lost about 30 lbs from treatment and stress, but I consider a win no matter how I achieved it. I’ve been practicing Pilates once a week for the past 9 months and am in the best shape of my life!
        Emotion wise, I have some anxiety and mild depression to work through. I meditate every day, go to therapy and am on my way to healing.

        • Cancer Chump – wow. Just read your story. So proud of women like you. Sorry. Super women like you.

          Congrats on kicking cancers ass and job and everything else. You rock

  • Two years, two months of total no contact. And I recently gave a woman I don’t know a polite but firm brush-off when she contacted me on a social media site and asked me if I knew the cheater, because she needed to talk to somebody about him.

    Maybe she’s the latest chump? Maybe it’s some kind of narcissistic fuckery and he put her up to it? Or maybe it’s actually him, playing internet games again? Who knows. But I’m not risking getting sucked into his dysfunction again. So I told them “Sorry, I can’t help you with that” and blocked that account from contacting me again.

  • I went tandem skydiving on my 45th birthday (which just so happened to be 3 days after the parasitic side piece’s 28th birthday UGH!) This was my first birthday without my husband in our 25 years together so jumping out of a perfectly good airplane seemed like a fabulous idea. Truthfully, I wanted to actually experience the ground falling out from under me as it did metaphorically on D-Day. I got a great deal on Groupon and then used the difference I saved to purchase the photos and video of my jump. Cheater always complained about the adventures I arranged for us (zip lining, whitewater rafting, etc.) although he absolutely adored posting pics after to feed his addiction for collecting “likes” on Facebook. I don’t have any social media accounts, but I received tons of accolades from real life friends via their comments about my “badassery”!

    • That is a beautiful, poetic way to celebrate this first birthday of your new life. I hope it brought you catharsis and a wonderful new memory. I hope you framed some of those pics to display in your house!

  • Running was my therapy and saviour — playing thoughts forward, and playing them back — all the way through DDay, divorce and the sh!t sandwiches that have followed.

    I’ve noticed that over the past 6 months, thoughts about my ex and her AP seldom enter my mind, and rarely when I’m running. I think this is MEH.

  • Check this out:

    I lit a rocket fuse on my back and am hauling ass to a better life.

    I had a realization that the anger I used to get through the divorce was now going to get in the way of becoming happy, healthy, & attractive.

    Plus it was hindering my relationship w/ DD & DS.

    Once I realized that and finally felt convicted that I did my best in my marriage, I am not the one who fucked it all up, and I can truly hold my head high, the anger began to melt away.

    I remember rt after DD crossing off days on a calendar at 4pm. That was all I could do.

    Now I forget to cross off weeks at a time. I’m flying towards a new life.

    It’s not like I don’t have hard moments. But pfft, those just come and go.

    Fuck that anger, that depression, that weight that was my broken marriage.

    I’m fucking mighty as hell!

    CN helped get me here. TY CL and ESPECIALLY the guys on here.

  • Haha, yes, since you asked: it’s been about 6 months since I became a published author. 20 years a stay at home mum, my ex effed off and left us with no income at all. It was very very hard and I thought I wouldn’t make it. But I’m a year in a job now, and while looking for it, I was asked to write a book. Result: Making Peace with Divorce, a warm and supportive guide to separating and starting anew. So though my ex continues not to pay court ordered maintenance for me and the children, if he or any of his friends or family want to read the book, they are paying me to have the last word! (He comes out of it rather better than he should, actually!)

      • Hi Sunflower, thanks for your interest. Don’t want to plug it here with a link, but it is on amazon as paperback or kindle and if you decide to buy a copy, I hope you find it useful. On the other hand, you may be out the other side by now! Anyway, writing it helped me a lot, and it seems to be helping others, too, so there’s another to add to the many things I would never have achieved had I stayed married to that man! Small steps maybe but for me big achievements!

    • That is so amazing Pia – I’m definitely interested in making peace with things so would love to check it out. What an amazing achievement: turning your sudden loss and upended life into something that can help countless others who may not have access to any other support. Go you!

  • I live in a pretty hot, arid climate and my A/C went out last October. I asked Dr Turd for money for repairs to help fix because, oh well, he’s co-owner of the house. Long story short, he said no, and I lived through the rest of the warmth and the cold winter with no cooling or heating.

    Recently, I used Mr. Google and Mr. YouTube to diagnose my problem, ordered an open box discounted part on Amazon ($65) and asked a friend of a friend to help me install in. Happy to say, I now have working heating and cooling and it will be 94 degrees this weekend. Small victories! As a side note, the A/C tech was super impressed that I figured everything out myself. He charged me $75 for the install. I was worried that I’d need a new $10,000 unit. Phew!

    FFF

    • That’s a really awesome accomplishment. You took care of business! You got crap done! You don’t need some egomaniac doctor in your life. You’ve got this. 🙂

    • Congrats!!! I love being able to diagnose and fix or at least know what’s wrong with whatever is giving me fits.

      So far, I haven’t had to shell out for a major repair. **knocks on wood***

  • Reading all your posts makes me realize it has almost been a year since I saw my ex husband in person! Early May 2017 I finally realized he would not stop talking to the other woman–the “just friends” sex picture friend from when he was stationed in SE Asia. I took a job in my home state and begged him to think it over, and come get me. Come bring me back home. Fight for me. I started my new job May 8, 2017. My 32nd birthday was May 16. He texted on May 15th to tell me to proceed with the divorce–thoughtful of him, huh, to not do it on my actual birthday. Such a gent.

    Never saw the man again. Even though he is in Alabama, and I now live 8 hours away in my home town, he managed to have one last box of my things hand delivered to my parents front porch…without telling or seeing me. All subsequent pre- and post- divorce issues have been text or email. He will not pick up the phone if I call. Despite an epic fail when he got married, I have followed suit and tried to stay minimal contact.

    So that’s my accomplishment…I have managed to live a whole year on my own. I have worked a new job for a year. I bought a house this year. I finalized my divorce, and started dating the sexiest guy from my high school, lol. I still feel like I am carrying so much divorce baggage. I still have dreams (nightmares?) about OW. I weirdly had a dream that they got married, shortly before I found out that they really did get married. But I am building a new life, and I didn’t even count the days since I left…they snuck up on me!

  • Almost 9 months after DDay that sent me into a deep depression, suicidal and losing 25lbs I am feeling ME again. CL and this site has saved my life. I will be forever grateful that a friend recommended it to me and my life has only gone up since then.
    My daughter and I go to counseling, I have started planning a future without cheater, he is buying me out which the amount came out to be way more then I expected (fresh new start!), karma bus has started to roll by and he and OW are done and both are in LOTS of trouble from their illegal affair at work. We have been married since I was 18 and for the first time I feel ok to be alone, I feel MIGHTY with all this self power and not being under anyones thumb.

    Praise God my dad always raised us girls to always be able to take care of ourselves. He always said that men will come and go but an education will stay with you forever, get one and be able to take care of yourself. After being married for 28 yrs who would of thought a marriage would end of infidelity. THANK GOD for that education!

    I am going to GREAT, I feel MIGHTY for the first time in a long time….thank you CN!!!

  • I celebrated my ONE year divorce anniversary by taking my lovely daughters (11,12) to Hamilton!!! When I bought tickets 6 months ago, I wasn’t close to Meh (still not there but much closer) but knew I was taking back April 11th! We had such a wonderful day and I was overwhelmed with love and appreciation of who my girls are becoming. They are surviving and I am so proud of them!

    I am sooo grateful for my supportive friends and family. I found CL and CN last summer and I am in a much better place. I read here every day & I know that he sucks and is a narcissistic asshole, probably a borderline disordered. I know my worth. My girls know that i work hard. Yes we eat the shit sandwiches he sends our way, but my home is happy and my girls are relaxed when they’re with me. I make the most of our time together and love making new memories with them. I am so thankful that I filed and kicked his ass to the curb.

    I still struggle with no contact because it’s hard parenting with a fuckwit. I am getting better at grey rock. I am dating a very nice guy and know that I am ME again & I am enjoying life. Most days i am flirting with Meh. My walls are starting to sing. 💜

    • That is awesome. Hamilton was huge for me after Dday. You made an excellent choice for a celebration.

  • My mighty comes in the form of acceptance. This journey has taught me that no matter how hard I try to do things the right way, there are some things I just do not control. It’s changed my perspective on how I relate to the world, and in turn how I let the behavior of others affect me.

    Instead of automatically blaming myself when someone is shitty, and asking myself what I did to cause someone to treat me poorly, I let them have the responsibility for their own behavior. That doesn’t mean shitty behavior doesn’t hurt, but it does mean I’m not filled with anxiety over how “I” can fix it. I expect reciprocity, and I have killed the narrative that I must prove I’m worthy of love and respect.

    I’ve always viewed my own character from an independent perspective (as opposed to an interactionist perspective) but I didn’t hold others to the same standard. If they chose to be shitty, it must have been because of something I did, but if I did something shitty, it was because I was a horrible human being. We do influence how others feel, but we do not cause their behavior. I only control me; I do not control the thoughts, feeling and behaviors of others. I also don’t control their view of my worth, and so no amount of pick me dancing will influence how they choose to value me in their lives. I suffered from a lot of anxiety in my marriage, because I was trying to control my self-worth based on the value someone else placed on me. Of course that same process applies to mutual friends in post cheater life. The hardest part of that is accepting that some friends place more value in a cheater. I’ve had to accept that there are many people who do not care about moral character, and that is in conflict with a large portion of where I place my self- worth.

    My mighty comes in the form of valuing myself, even when others don’t.

    • This just put into words what I have been thinking for so long. I am always conflicted, because I live my life in a way that “treat others how you would want to be treated”. I thought if I was the best girlfriend/fiance in the world that there was no way I would get cheated on. Let alone a serial cheater for 5 years who fooled 100s of people. My self value has always been (still is) sky high, I don’t have a jealous bone in my body. Maybe its because I am extremely loyal.

      That is the one thing I have learned is I have no control over anyone. It doesn’t matter how great I am, people’es behaviours have nothing to do with me. I agree with you last statement wholeheartedly!

      “I’ve had to accept that there are many people who do not care about moral character, and that is in conflict with a large portion of where I place my self- worth.”

      DAMN ^^^^^

      • And agreed, aloha. I also held myself to this standard, then bizarrely blame(d) myself when they treated me poorly. I think I will always struggle with this to some degree, but not because I caused the poor behaviour, just the reaction to the hurt that behaviour causes. I am also not in the slightest bit a jealous person, and that was the perfect cover for the way he behaved. I did wonder about the last AP, but asked him, and he said, no, no problem. I just took his word…and (briefly, as I didn’t dwell on it) blamed myself for being uncharacteristically suspicious…

        • horsesrcumin Yes for a long time I kept racking my brain with aim not like all these women he cheated on me with. I’ve never had a one night stand and while I’m not judging people who do, I couldn’t wonder why did he pick me?!? Why not someone with (according to my moral code) lower standards. Then it hit me! He chose me specially because he knew since I’m not a suspicious or jealous person I would never even conceive it. I’m the same I never dwelled on anything for more than a day. Damn we got hoodwinked.

  • I went back to court to insist he keep to his divorce agreement and pay some of our daughter’s college tuition. It was scary and depressing (and of course he lied about me AND our daughter to everyone) and expensive but I was damned if he was going to try to get out of his responsibilities to his daughter. The judge threatened him with jail time if he didn’t pay up right then and there. I did it for her.

  • I’ve been writing romance novels since 2002 (first published in 2005). As you can imagine, after D-Day, the creative juices dried up like the Sahara. How could I write the story of two characters falling in love and finding their happily ever after, when what I thought was my own happily ever after came to such a stunningly painful end?
    There were days, weeks, months, when it was all I could do to get out of bed, take care of my kids, and deal with the fact that the life I thought I had, the future I had taken for granted, was gone.
    I’m a fucking romance writer! How could I be getting divorced??
    I couldn’t read – forget about write – a romance novel. Any time I got my Amazon “recommendations in romance,” my lip would curve into a sneer and I’d think, “Yeah, whatever young lovers. Call me in 15 years and let’s see how this whirlwind, hormone driven, drug like fugue works out.”
    I felt so awful and angry – at both my ex and myself. He had taken so much from me already, and I was letting him take my creativity and love for writing too. But in the past year and a half, with the love and support of my family and friends, I’ve managed to take back my creativity. Since August of 2016, I have written and published two more books bringing my grand total to 23. I’m currently a hundred pages into book number 24, and ideas for more are cooking in the background :).

    • I hope that someday you’ll write healthy relationship romance novels for the older and wiser chumps. He withheld information to manipulate her into doing what he wanted? Don’t just spackle that over, there needs to be consequences. He didn’t respect her “no” and kept pestering her? That’s not romantic, that’s stalking! Okay, he is wealthy (or a warrior) and super attractive, but he is an empty shell – cold, demeaning, and rude to her. I don’t care that he has been hurt in the past and is trying to protect his fragile ego/heart – why is she falling for an asshole? Instead of doing the Beauty and the Beast trope where the love of a good woman redeems him, maybe she falls for someone less sparkly that treats her well, like his quirky assistant that remembers how she takes her coffee and laughs at her Monty Python references. I’d love to read books like that.

  • My 26 year old daughter finished her master’s degree in biostatistics this week, with my (and only my) financial assistance. Her father declined to participate.

    My son will become a first-time father in October and I know he will be the loving, involved dad his own never was able to be.

    My kids have told me they’d rather have a mother they can count on and talk to and feel close to and a completely useless father, than two parents who are together but uninvolved and distant.

    While it makes me sad that my kids have only one quality parent, I’m so proud that’s how they think of me, and that they’re doing great things with their lives with my complete and full-hearted support.

    My kids are my life’s best work and the source of my greatest pride and happiness. I am mighty for them, and because of them.

  • I’ve often wondered what benefit the disordered get out of simply walking away as if thery don’t have a care in the world.
    I raised three children with a serial cheater and the after shock is what he gets to avoid. I own the fact that I stayed however never in a million years would I have predicted the long term impact it would have on my adult children.

    So given that I salute Chumps who know better thanks to CL.

    That said my Mightiness check is about having integrity. There’s a shit load of responsibility attached to having it. I’m up for it every day even in my weakest moments it shines through.

    My decisions are largely based on maintaining stability for my granddaughter because at the end of the day I’ve made her my priority.

    No fancy vacations, new cars or fuckbuddy sleepovers. It’s the best investment in the world. 🌻Having integrity, that’s my mighty!

    • Love this. Maintaining integrity in the face of all the abuse is definitely an act of mighty.

      I believe integrity to be a common trait among most chumps. We trust, we commit, we truly love, we’re honest, and we always try to do the right thing.

  • I have come a LONG way to mightiness since I first wrote in to CL. I was stretched and torn in December having just gone through a brutal delivery, and a horrifying pregnancy where I was sent out of state for procedures/surgeries to try and save my son in utero. He and I shared a chorioangioma (massive tumor) on my placenta that was creating a high cardiac output for him, polyhydroaminos and he was becoming anemic. All the while, my husband was cheating with a ho-worker and when I found out, he left while I was 6 months along. After the grueling delivery, the doctors suspected numerous health challenges I may face with my new baby boy. Flash forward 4.5 months and my little nugget and I are CRUSHING it at life! He is every bit a miracle as you could possibly imagine. He has come leaps and bounds and the numerous specialists we have seen are continually amazed by him. Single mom life is hard, but I have come to realize that it is so much easier than the life I would have faced IF I hadn’t found proof of the affair. I would have been on edge constantly. I would have been paranoid and worried that he was cheating and I never would have been at ease. He wouldn’t have helped me with my son. He would have been off sneaking, cheating, doing his hobbies, working on his muscles, and hanging with friends while I did all the work. I would have walked on egg shells and my parenting style would be what he wanted it to be. I probably would have lost the baby weight by now because I would have been so insecure about myself, but that wouldn’t have helped me any. Instead, I wake up every morning to my son’s beautiful face. I soak up every moment I have with him and we live life the way I believe a mom should parent. I will raise him to be loyal, respectful, loving, confident yet humble, kind and with INTEGRITY…you know doing the right thing even when no one is watching (which is the opposite of how his sperm donor lives). I am not yet at meh, but when I have certain thoughts I am able to come back from the dark side. I still see my stbxh when he has visits three times a week for our son. Oh man, he checks himself out in the mirror and flexes his muscles while holding our little guy. He makes this ridiculous Zoolander blue steel face where he sucks in his cheeks when he asks me to take pictures of him and our son with his phone. It is so embarrassing. I hate that I might have to share my nugget with him and the AP someday, but hopefully at that point I will be fully at meh. I am so much stronger than I was and I know I will be faced with plenty of challenges as a single mom, but I am up for the task. If my little guy can be a fighter, so can I! Thank you to CN and CL for all of the stories and advice each and every day!!!!

  • Went to dinner at Chick-fil-A with my husband. The one who swore to me 100 times that there had been no affair with this other woman.

    Put up with crap that some of you have listened to me ask for an explanation for two years!

    Lo and Behold….. She comes in and over. Decides to put her hands all over him while greeting us.

    Did you know that you can get arrested for simply taking the top off your tea and dumping it quietly on the top of someone’s head? Best decision ever as it’s only a misdemeanor.

    Needless to say, my new name is Gone! For Good!!

    While it was an interesting experience….. I have No Regrets!!

          • Impressive- when I saw homeslice waiting for ex to get out of surgery I only could say “ you’re fatter in person than your FB pics”. I wanted to do more, but would have gotten fired from my job if I ended up on our local mugshots page online.
            This! …… you rock! And it being sweet tea, you must live in the South?

    • That will go down in the history of this great nation as the infamous Chick-fil-A Tea Party.

      I’m surprised it was only a misdemeanor. Must have been Earl Grey.

      • Apparently if I had thrown it at her, it would have been worse. Who would have thought. According to the policeman who had to arrest me. We had a good laugh on the way. He laughed hard.

          • She did. I never spoke a word to her while she made her drama case. Waited out by my car for the cops. It was worth it. Laughed so hard and sobbed in relief. It was worth it.

            • I “accidentally” knocked over a glass of red wine all over OW when I caught them at the hotel restaurant after having sex upstairs…she called the police to get me arrested for assault but the officers wouldn’t which really pissed her off….it was worth the drama

              • I would love to dump red wine over both of them—but that would feed the beast. Good on you though!!

  • Fuckwit #1–the one I was married to:

    He left in May of 2000. Dragged the divorce out until May 2003 even though we have no kids and I wasn’t resisting. I chased him for my settlement on my own until July 2016 because I still inexplicably thought he would magically do the right thing. So I brought in legal help in July 2016 and was told it would be a 2-3 month process.

    My paralegal, after much chasing and threatening, decided to play lawyer in court so is now being federally prosecuted. His lawyer is now handling it and appears to not know how to handle “the most passive aggressive man in the world” TM, as he is fighting her as well. All fuckwit has to do for this to be done is open his email, type agree and hit send. Last night I sent the lawyer an email stating that he will never answer it as he has no conscience and the only way to get him to comply is remind him he’s facing jail time and that I WILL make the drive to file for contempt of court. It’s the only way my paralegal got his attention. This WILL end.

      • Update: He actually replied to the email. Apparently he does understand that he can go to jail for this. And that his awkward helpless baby bird nice guy routine will not work on the other inmates.

        Now just need final approval!

  • This week, attended and presented at a professional conference for the first time in many years. Socialized. Expanded my network of friends and colleagues. Sat between two very attractive single men of about my age at dinner one night, totally monopolized their attention, and enjoyed it immensely. The cuter of the two shares many of my nerdiest interests, and lives very nearby, so that is fun to think about.

    Mighty happens little by little, I guess.

  • I learned that we have to play the hand life deals us. We have to accept what happened/ happens and not fight reality. . And that showing our anger makes the psycho happy. And even if a day is horrible there will be a better day ahead. Planning things to look forward to helps.

  • As a single dad, I’ve learned to sew (somewhat), cook (most of the time), fix up a dance costume, put earrings on someone else’s ears without hurting her, and perform repairs (excuse me, surgery) on injured stuffed animals.

      • Thank you, NewBeginnings. It did take me a few (not painless) tries to get her earrings in her ears without hurting her 🙂 . And the button for the stuffed cat’s eye is a little crooked 🙂 .

    • That is awesome! Dadding it is amazing! 🙂 I have 2 boys, so may not have the dance costume issue, but my two enjoy “helping” around the house as much as possible. Of course, I usually have to clean that all up after they go to bed.

  • After the 5th D-Day in 20 years my STBHX left to move in with his younger, drug seeking, bisexual girlfriend. So NC contact has been easy. He isn’t interested in us.

    He mistakenly assumed that chumpy ol’ me was going to file our taxes jointly- something I’d always taken care of. However, in an attempt to protect myself from being held responsible for the 401K money he’s taken out to fund his new life with her, I filed Married, Filing Separately instead.

    I did break NC a few days before taxes were due to let him know I’d filed separately and that his tax forms were at the house. He’s an emotionless turd but this finally elicited an emotional response. He’s beyond pissed. He says he owes $14,000

    • Awww, guess he’ll have to take a second job to pay that tax bill, plus interest, plus penalties. Couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy. Well-done, CAM!

      • Tempest– I sure hope so! I told him that maybe his girlfriend will help him out with his tax bill, but I doubt that she’s planning on helping support him, and that next on her agenda is probably to get pregnant.

        If she does the gold digging whore has sealed her fate.

    • I offered the ex a 70/30 split of the tax refund if we filed jointly. She made less than $2K last year and I made over $100K, so she would have made more in the refund at 30% than she made all year. However, she got mad at me for something trivial that I can’t remember now, and then reneged and said she wanted a 55/45 split and that “this negotiation is over.”

      Oh yeah?! Instead, I filed as Married, Filed Separately and didn’t tell her. When she asked when we going to do our taxes, I told her I already had and her W-2s were coming in the mail. She told me to “fuck off.” I responded that since she made so very little, she doesn’t even have to file and to not negotiate when you have no leverage. That’s Negotiation 101.

    • Yes, filing your taxes separately is mighty! I did the same during divorce (having been responsible for them all our married lives/ 35 years). He files for extension and in court for divorce finalization, they request my “tax work papers”. I guess his new tax preparer could not figure out what to do even though I provided my return. I responded that I am no longer his financial consultant, but, did offer to prepare his for $3000!

  • One year ago I was busy doing the Pick Me Dance and dragging his ass to the marriage counselor so ‘we could fix this problem’. All the while he maintained that he never ‘crossed the line’ and couldn’t help that sometimes women responded to his ‘friendliness’.

    I now know that he was cheating on me for the whole of our 24 year marriage.

    I found Chump Lady when I finally hit rock bottom and couldn’t spackle any more (in Sept last year).

    In the last 7 months I got a lawyer, filed for divorce, cleaned out our house of 25 years, finalized the divorce, sold the house, purchased a new (and nicer) house with my mother AND I HAVE A NEW LIFE!!!!!

    As I sit here in my new kitchen on this beautiful morning I am truly grateful that my life is different. I have a beautiful family, and I have hope. I can also say that I have peace.

    And I have not seen my fuckwit XH since we signed the closing papers 2 months ago. I suspect his life will slowly spiral downward as he runs through his portion of the house sale. He barely worked during our 24 year marriage and I have always supported us. His future is not so bright…..

  • Three years out from d-day- two years post divorce. I am still a Mom of 5 young kids (oldest is 14, youngest is three). But this last year I have gotten a job, finished a second bachelor’s degree, and was accepted into a Speech Pathology Master’s program! BOOM!!!

  • Foty (father of the year) defines himself by his work. We are both in criminal law and he has always looked down on me for being in a job that didn’t require trial work. He believes he is a god for doing trials. Because we have a child, I do work that is more regular and less stressful in order to, you know, parent.

    This year, she and I went on a trip to Hawaii because I am able to take time away from work. And guess what, even though he likes to pretend he works 80 hours a week, I now make more money than he does working much less. Best of all, despite the fact that DD is a teen, we have a great relationship and I am part of her life every day.

    When Foty first left, I didn’t feel the way I do today, but CL gave me support and hope that one day I would.

  • Going on a second date with a nice guy named Henrique (the name of my fantasy cabana boy- go figure).
    I always get anxious and depressed before a date. At 60 it’s a little weird. For safety I text my daughter the name, phone number, meeting place, time etc…. I usually end the the text with “I hate this, I wish I was dead.” She always texts back a smiley face and tells me to get over it , its just a date. She is strong and bossy just when I need it. I bought a new outfit (do people still say outfit?). I’m wearing ratty underwear though 🙂

    • SPOON YOU ARE STILL VERY FUCKABLE AT 60 SO GET YOUR WIGGLE ON WITH THE NICE UNDERWEAR. Trust me on this. You will thank yourself later. I’m sure your sassy daughter will agree.

      • First thing I did when I met a Man U thought I wanted to eventually invite into my bedroom was to buy sexy underwear and bras and eventually lingerie. It fun having a nice decent attentive man remove those frilly things..

    • No ratty underwear allowed!!!!!

      After Mr. Twatwaffles dumped me, I bought a few sexy underwear sets and I’m glad I did. They made me feel sexy and confident.

      Throw out ALL your ratty underwear.

      And read The Good Girls Guide To Bad Girl Sex. It’s more about finding your sensual self

      • First thing I did when I was ready to date post-divorce was 1) buy new underwear and 2) buy a new bed.

      • I have only ever slept with one man. But, I am now, post-split, getting regular Brazilians or bikini waxes (depending on my mood…), and ALWAYS wear sexy underwear. For me, it makes everything feel better, and helps me in my cancer fight right now!

  • It’s been 5 months and I rallied the support to pack up and move to a wonderful house in an awesome neighborhood (rental), reached out to friends and family near and far, found a lawyer and filed for divorce, found my suicidal kid multiple forms of support (guess who did nothing and minimized these statements?), started working with a new therapist, adopted a dog, am standing my ground with a bullying STBX, am going up for promotion, and found this kickass site and community. Also, I’m getting through each day without puking….Hoping meh comes around in something under the standard “2-5 years” estimate.

  • Shortly after my divorce I forced myself to accept that cheater was probably happier with his OW and I had begun to feel some contentment. My divorced time was short because he came back sick with cancer and he was broke and unemployed. The type of cancer he had almost guaranteed he only had a short time left on earth. I made the decision to reconcile and take care of him. I know that doesn’t sound mighty, but I assure you it’s tough. I also have cancer, but I have found my “mighty” in other ways. For the first time in my life I realize how strong I am. I NEVER thought I could handle being alone and dealing with finances and life’s ups and downs on my own, but it turns out I can and do deal very well! I always felt “insignificant” when it came to family and friends, but it turns out these people sincerely care about me and my opinions! Some of cheaters family members have told me they only came around to visit during our marriage because of me, not the cheater! For some reason that makes me feel mighty! My adult kids are absolutely wonderful to me and I couldn’t ask for more! They tell me everyday how strong they think I am and I am humbled by that. As awful as the last five years were they have been a real eye opener to me. I never would have believed I would survive this long and be content. I also feel incredibly mighty as far as having planned for retirement. Of course I had imagined retiring with cheater and traveling. I really had little real knowledge about what it would take to retire comfortably, but I feel mighty because I must have done something right. Turns out I can live till my mid eighties off of my investments and I will still have a retirement check and SS after that! Pretty good for a woman with only a high school education! I also flunked every math course I EVER took! I also feel mighty when I look back on the terrible days after finding out about him cheating. It was hard, but I followed my good sense even when my heart was telling me to do the opposite. Today, even with cancer and at age 62, I look at each new day as an adventure. I don’t “fear” much of anything because I AM mighty and I can handle it!

  • I’m 10 months out from separation and 8 months out from divorce. I’m feeling better than I have ever felt in years. I pick me danced for a long time (3 years) and at the end of it, there was nothing but a pile of bills that I got to pay so that X would leave. I’m still a year out from being debt free, but my life is going really well.

    A few months ago, I was groaning to a close friend about not having anything to show for being married for 10 years to a cheating asshole. I have no children, no assets, no money. Nothing. She told me that the only thing I really need to worry about is having a great life. So that’s what I’ve decided to worry about. I’m choosing to stop worrying about the things I can’t control and only worry about the things that I do control. I’m saving to buy a house and upping my skills in my job so that I can get a job that pays me more that hopefully, I can retire on. If the marriage thing doesn’t happen again, oh well. If I don’t have kids, even though I do want kids so badly, I’m moving on. There are other pursuits in life that are worthy too and I’m trying to figure out what those are for me. The main thing is, I’m happy and that was something I hadn’t felt in years.

    • Great decision! Live your best life, and you will be amazed at how it fills up! I’d say you are very mighty!

  • I don’t normally comment on these posts. I wish I had a great mighty story like the ones I am reading here. I found out about the affair in August – when I asked her what she was to my husband. I then went to a lawyer and started the divorce. I got primary care of my kids, the 2 houses, and debt to go with it. He gets to live with her in a “rough” neighbourhood in her house. I get up and go to work every day, I cried a lot at first and a lot at work. I don’t cry so often now. My kids and I have forged forward as our little family, when my 4 year old is asked if he wants to add anyone to his drawing he always says “my family – my sister and my mommy”. I somehow pay my bills each month even when he can’t seem to help support the kids. I lost over 50 pounds in all of this, so people say I look great.
    Sorry not the most mighty story, but maybe in another 6 months it will sound better.

    • Hang in there….you’re gonna be in a really good place soon. You’ve gotten rid of a defect that never deserved you or your kids.

    • Tohurttobemad, it sounds like a very mighty story to me. It takes a lot to get up, take care of the kids and go to work everyday! Congratulations to you!

    • This sounds very mighty to me, love. At this stage in the game just getting out of bed everyday is mighty. Keep fighting the good fight, mama. What your 4 year old said brought tears to my eyes and made me hopeful for my one year old. (I worry that I’m not enough). Hugs, mama.

    • I had DDay 1 in August of 2016, and DDay 2 last August, 5 months after we weee divorced when it finally dawned on me that there were more.

      I hear you. Just getting up everyday to do what needs to be done, is all I can handle.

      But you’re doing it and you’ve got the boy. That’s what counts. ((Hugs))

    • Tohurttobemad-
      Everything you wrote is MIGHTY! You no longer have a fuckwit in your life and are handling things the best you know how. That alone is MIGHTY!

    • Too Hurt- Believe me. You are amazing. I spent almost one year staring at the ceiling fan in my bedroom. I would walk my dogs, feed them and go back to bed.

      No TV. Not reading. No podcasts. Just staring at the ceiling fan. Dozing off. Then watching the fan. Shattered.

      You are functioning at a very high level! You deserve a medal.🥇🏆🎖

  • Bought a little house, tree fell on it, excellent financing meant I had a little nest egg to deal with emergencies, both kids graduating next month nearly debt free, minor cancer surgery in June, and not having to deal with fuckwit and his flying monkeys=priceless

    • That sounds mighty to me.

      The best part of being Cheater-free is not having to deal with their drama on top of the challenges you face. It’s as if they can’t stand it when you or the kids have needs that come before theirs. They have to make stuff up just to retain centrality.

  • Almost 4 years out from DDay and over a year since cheater died (he died before our divorce was final)
    I got a job-then a promotion at work, bought a car, remodeled our home MY WAY with bright, beautiful colors and I am striving everyday to be a kick-ass single mom! I’ve fixed minor home repairs by using Google & YouTube and I’ve learned to troubleshoot/fix computer and internet issues by myself. I’m selling all those expensive, bullshit things cheater always had to have-I’m putting 1/2 the money into son’s bank account & the other half I’m using to take DS to Disneyworld.

    Cheater dying unexpectedly created additional drama for us to deal with but I can honestly say that now after some time has passed, DS & I are really thriving. There is no more anger, crazy screaming & tension in the house-it is so peaceful. My DS is happy & we have a great relationship. I have a Mr. Nice Guy who is kind, patient & loving with both of us. I feel better than I have in years.

    I am so far from where I was when I first got here a few years ago it seems like a distant memory. Cheater had a secret porn/hooker addiction. I felt shame, broken & alone. I had no money, no job and a young child and cheater was threatening to take my baby away from me. Everything seemed so hopeless. Just getting up every day seemed an impossible feat. BUT by the grace of God, I landed here…….and I truly believe it saved my life. It was the slap in the face I needed to face reality and make a plan. Fear of the unknown can be crippling but if you face your fears, amazing things can happen. I look back now & wish I would have left years sooner.

    Mighty is a journey that starts with a single step……..
    It ends at Meh on a Tuesday.
    It doesn’t matter when you get there
    Just get there when you can

    • Wow, what an amazing journey you have been on! I can relate to the shame, but it’s not ours, is it? You’ve created your own life, and now you can be so proud, and I love the house of beautiful colors!

  • The thing I’ve learned about mightiness is that it comes and goes. I posted on one of the first “Tell Me How You are Mighty” requests four years ago. I left a cheater. I didn’t cave. I had two great jobs that I loved. My sons were healing. We were making it work.

    Then in June of 2014, I lost my main job. I was two years in and got pink slipped. I was a line item on a ledger, and when the superintendent of schools needed to hire his buddy as a consultant, he put a red line through the life I was trying to rebuild after leaving a cheater.

    I’ve pieced together jobs for the past four years, but haven’t found full time work since, and in the past two weeks, found out that even though I was a finalist for three jobs, I didn’t get any of them. The other person was “a better fit.” “The supervisor was leaving and they didn’t want me to be new with a new supervisor.” “While my qualifications were admirable, they found someone more suited to the position.” That makes six times I’ve been runner up.

    But still I rise, accept and move on. Not because I’m strong. In fact, the next person who tells me how strong I am may get smacked. Not because I have an ounce of self esteem left after so much rejection, including being summarily discarded after 18 years of marriage. But because I have no other choice. My sons are counting on me to continue to be their parent who sticks around, doesn’t give up and doesn’t stop.

    But today, it’s hard to think mighty when all I want to do is cry. I’ve never come up against so much politics and cronyism in business.

    Sorry for the buzz kill, CN. Sadly, it’s only in the company of strangers where I can be completely honest.

    • (((Hugs)))

      Did you ever read that “What Color Is Your Parachute” book? It has a graphic on job hunting, it’s a pyramid that goes NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO yes.

      What they don’t tell you is that every. single. one. of those no’s hurts.

      Mighty IS getting up and doing it because it must be done. That’s the very definition of mighty. YOU ARE MIGHTY.

    • Chutesandladders

      Good, decent, caring, loving people do it your way. Cowards run from their responsibilities. Day by day Chutes, day by day.

    • Chutes, If you are doing what you have to do it’s because you ARE mighty. You could be out there making a choice of manipulating and taking unfair advantage of people like the load of fuckwits we at CN left behind.

      I admire that you don’t give up.

    • C&L–I remember you as one of the strong voices when I first came to the site 3.5 years ago, and am sorry your work life has taken a turn south. It is very disheartening to be rejected from job searches. CL is right–persistence is key here. I had a former student who was overqualified for virtually job to which he applied. After 70 applications–yes, 70, he bagged his dream job. Not that it will take that many tries, but it’s unpredictable which attempt will work. Is there anything you could add to your resume (hobbies, a work task you completed outside the usual job description?) to make you eligible for jobs slightly askew from your previous experience? Jobs that are more unconventional than you’re used to?

      Sending hugs & good wishes your way.

    • Jedi Hugs ChutesandLadders! Sending good energies your way, you will get a job soon. I wish I knew your field, maybe go on the forums to network.

      • Hugs from me too, Chutes. Maybe those jobs weren’t the best ones for you and would be taking up time and energy best used for your very own special job that is coming up for you. I really believe that sometimes that a resounding can be a gift.

    • “But still I rise, accept and move on. Not because I’m strong. In fact, the next person who tells me how strong I am may get smacked. Not because I have an ounce of self esteem left after so much rejection, including being summarily discarded after 18 years of marriage. But because I have no other choice.”

      Fuck yeah! This, this is mighty. To keep going with all of that shit happening. And I will join you on the slapping queue! Stop telling me I’m strong, and that I have this, and that I have so much to look forward to! Yes, of course, but let me grieve…

    • Sorry to hear you’re having a rough time. Before DDay, I had to change jobs because my manager was driving me crazy and I couldn’t take it any longer. I think I responded to something like 200 job ads in that time, got only a handful of interviews even though I had about 8 years experience in my field at a similar role/level.

      I have been in my current job for 2 years now, and my manager is so much better. She is actually at the tail end of her own divorce (her XH is being a douche with the financials and has dragged it for over 2 years), so she is very understanding and supportive of me. She knows I have days when all I do is look at the screen, and some moments where I can be super productive. I’m incredibly grateful.

      I hope you have some good news soon and it is even better than you expected!

  • On Christmas Eve, my young daughter told me that I had spent most of 2017 being a “hermit crab.” She said, “Once in a while, you tip-toe out onto the beach, where all the happiness is, but then you go right back into your shell. What you need to be is a dolphin.” She wanted me to be playful and curious, to enjoy the moment. And she was right – I had pretty much lost all sense of joy in day-to-day living. So she made me a sign with blue Sharpie that says, “Hey, Mom, Don’t Forget to Be a Dolphin Today.” It hangs on my bathroom mirror. So that’s been my mission for 2018 – every day, do something Dolphin-like. And so far, it’s working.

    • OMG, your daughter is so wise! Such imagination! As Tracy says, the greatest blessings come from our heartbreaks and sufferings. God bless Path and her new path.

      • Aw, thanks to both of you for your nice comments about my daughter. There were a couple days last year, in the midst of all the heartbreak, where I felt like she was the sane parent, and I was the kid.

        P.S. A dolphin cartoon would be AMAZING!

  • My final DDay was seven years ago, when I discovered ExH (among other vile things) had sold our stocks in order to rent an apartment as well as to finance a glitzy vacation with the former gf he had found on facebook.

    In the intervening years, I have discovered that I can survive just about anything. I am still a half-blind, memory-impaired, wobbly stroke survivor, but I am no longer terrified that I can make it on my own. I am proud to say that in the last seven years, I have:

    -Discovered a reservoir of strength I didn’t know I had,
    -Nursed my mother (who decidedly didn’t want me there) for her last 18 months, before she died of heart failure, while holding my hand,
    -Endured being shunned by my siblings (who thought I was sponging off Mom … HAH!),
    -Sold my belongings in order to raise the money to purchase my mother’s house from said siblings, while I was paying them monthly rent,
    -Learned how to do my own household and automotive repairs with the aid of Google and YouTube,
    -Finally attained a level of inner peace/meh that is allowing me to even out my considerable anxiety (at age 59),
    -Forged a new social circle in my small mountain town where patches of brown earth are just now becoming visible through the knee-deep snow,
    -Learned to put pine boughs in front of my wheels for extra traction in said snow (a trick I implemented just yesterday),
    -Managed these seven years all by myself while I am learning to NOT need a partner in order to make me feel complete,
    -Realized that yes, I can survive on $16K per year, as long as I have a few tools, a good attitude, and a strong network of friends to barter with.

    Believe me, I’m not tooting my own horn at how much I have accomplished, but sharing with those just starting their journey that it does indeed get better. You too will learn to change your perspective and to value the things in life that really do matter. Hey, if I could do it, just about anyone should be able to.

  • Im a lucky chump. My x pays what he owes which allows me to work part time and slowly build my business as a professional counselor and divorce mentor. I have many of the mighty successes listed above. Most recently though, I’m feeling more mighty for my relationship with my kids. I’ve always been very close to both of my kids. Last year my DD was very angry with me over a relationship with a substitute teacher. He was a predator for young, unhappy girls and I put the kabash on it. She was low key pissed at me for a year. In the middle of it, she asked if one of her friends could live with us, so my tribe of three became a tribe of four. We have done well. Two months ago, my DD came to me and apologized for her behavior and asked if we could be “close like before”. To outsiders, we always were close, only she and I know the depth of her being angry. Just this past week, after touring colleges and deciding which to attend with my ex, she returned and was being wishy washy about which parent she wanted to move her in this fall. I told her, I had no ego in the game, she is an adult and needs to choose. Today, she texted asking if I would road trip across the nation and move her in. She asked if her dad could to parent’s weekend in the fall. I am so excited and proud. To top it off, I took DS to the doctor and out for breakfast before returning him to school. At breakfast he began to ask questions about the divorce and his father’s behavior. I was calm. I explained what had happened without bashing my ex. I asked my son why he was interested and he just said, “I felt it was time to understand it better”. My son when on to say that he thought I was a great mom and he understands why I choose to leave the marriage. WoW. That’s the best gift, two kids I’m close with and the ability to explain to them how to regulate emotion .

    • Amazing – mighty and lucky indeed. I pray and hope my 5 and 3 year old can understand what happened so well. After 18 months of hell (“attempting to reconcile” from my side only, it turns out), I was the one who in the end made the decision to separate and divorce. I will always resent that my STBXW can now rightly say to our kids that “Daddy ended our marriage”, even though it was clearly because I was manipulated into doing it. After 18 months I was told that I was nothing but a “flatmate babysitter” to her. 🙁

  • I got word that my divorce was final last year on the Friday before Mother’s Day. While it was welcome news, it still made the day a little bittersweet. It felt like I was closing the book on what I thought was the last chapter of my in tact family and made for some weepy moments of regret. Yet here I am one year later, and next weekend the kids and I will be celebrating the auspicious occasion of my one year “I-can-iversary”! We are celebrating our resilience and rebirth as a family who discovered treachery and villainy in our midst that could have destroyed our world had we not stood together like caped superheroes. In the last 365 days we have dealt with a fire in the neighbor’s half of a duplex which resulted in us moving my boys to an apartment that they love even more, installed my daughter and me in an apartment that we also love, weathered my son’s car accident and a subsequent new engine installation, figured out a new normal for holidays, calculated how much extra to withdraw from my paycheck to account for taxes on Spousal Support, made the healthcare system my bitch, got a promotion with a generous pay increase, and paid so far ahead on two cars that I don’t have to make any payments until August if I choose. And that doesn’t even include shutting down the antics of my arch nemesis, Dr. Skankenstein and managing to maintain civil discourse on birthdays and holidays. I am mighty because my kids are mighty and vice versa. So next Saturday the four of us will be putting on heels and dresses and suits and ties and formally sharing our victory stories over a bottle of wine and medium rare filets..

    Forget the not-so-happy ending of that first fairy tale. We’re writing a new book and dedicating it to each other!

  • This is a really small thing, but when I joined Facebook for the first time about a week ago. I put “divorced” under romantic attachments in my profile. I am not ashamed to let everyone know I am divorced because I know I had nothing to do with the destruction of my long term marriage. Ex did that all by himself.

    (I joined Facebook because it was the only way I could view the live stream for my son’s rocket launch)

    • Oh yes, and my cover photo is me with my parents and my kids. No ex, just me surrounded by people I love and who love me.

    • I listed myself as widowed. It felt very very good. And funny. Date of death: the divorce finalization date.

  • I started on the floor crying. Almost broken, very hurt, very scared.

    I began to sit up. The world was not what I thought it was, but with the help of others here I sat up.

    I began to stand up. I found that I just did, there was no other choice. With a lot of help I did.

    Now I stand. Eyes forward and life is ahead. It was not easy and it isn’t over. I am learning to live and love, learning to appreciate and believe. I trust the guideposts that I have met through this site and process, so I will continue to stand. Now, I can help others and be a guidepost.

    Mighty? No. I did what I had to do.

    Here I stand.

  • I just shared my story over on the general boards. Today’s mighty is unearthing yet another lie and having it just BARELY faze me; I had a moment where my stomach dropped, then I just printed it out for the lawyer and was able to get back to my day. He has no idea the extent of what I know. Now I sort of feel like I’M the one living the double life, but as soon as my ducks are properly in a row I’ll be presenting my list of requests for immediate mediation and filing. (Another mighty: THANK GOD I had the foresight to get a prenup.)

    • Now, their lies by omission are intended to harm us, so sometimes we have to omit the truth to them, for a while, in order to protect ourselves.

      It is definitely mighty to come across ANOTHER lie, but not have it ruin your day!

    • Random comment – how do we get access to the actual forum? The posts and comments here are amazing, but difficult to track or follow!

  • I really struggled breaking out of the ChumpZone. Spent a year and a half after DD1 dreaming we were perfect and he was a unicorn. Until DD2 in January, when I discovered he was sexting my closest friend. FUCKKKK that shit.

    I kicked out his stupid drunk ass in March, after finding CN and doing some self work. I filed on the 12th, and started a new job on Monday, the 16th, in a full time position involving the sector I worked in before I left to “save my marriage.”

    I’m saving myself!

    New job pays 100% tuition for my Master’s degree after three months of employment. WHATTT!

    I also have created a time lapse video of a century plant that is blooming in my yard.

    Life is a lot better when I just take care of my problems, and not someone else’s.

  • I moved into the home I bought last summer and had extensively renovated. This after buying my ex out of the marital home and then selling it for $250k more than the value I paid him out on( can we say KARMA!). He apparently has been doing renovations to his AP’s house on the (real) cheap—used stuff and paint on old kitchen cabinets( I just listen when my daughter talks about her dad—it’s amazing what I learn). I’m sure it just burns him that I could afford all new for my house….. meh!!

  • Took only the one day off work the morning I was blindsided, and our 29 year good ( I thought) marriage collapsed . I climbed into the roof space and went through filing cabinets and completed 10 years of tax I was waiting for Mr MBA business manager to do. Yay!! I stRted ocean swimming even though I am scared of sharks and had to go to the loo before each swim!! Woohoo! Still here. I fulfilled a lifetime dream to volunteer in Cambodia after it practically fell in my lap to go with a friend’s Church charity. I did singing lessons so they don’t have to turn the karaoke machine down when I get behind a microphone. But best best best of all I am even closer to my three wonderful kids and dear friends. And to top it off, I found Tracy and joined Chump Nation.

  • Hmmm, I had to think about this to be able to own how mighty I am today. I was with my exh, not skankboy since HS, 5 years dating, 20 married. He was a cheater, too. Left him, separated 1 year, (Not divorced, yet….BIG MISTAKE) and started dating skankboy. Was with skankboy for 16 years, he cheated, I tossed him out. I put up with the devalue because I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to make it on my own. Dday when I tossed him out I was shaking like a leaf but stayed mighty, thinking I WILL NOT DO THIS SHIT AGAIN! I will eat f****** Ramen Noodles and live in my car if I have to get out of this hell.

    I was terrified. With the divorce, I sold my marital home to my brother, too big and I just didn’t know what to do with such a large house. (maintenance wise, blah, blah, blah)

    Fast forward to skankboy, tossing his skanky ass out. I thought, well you have no other alternative but to learn how to care for the house or move to an apartment. Thank God for my neighbors, my family, my friends and U-tube and especially CL and CN.

    It took a village to help me escape another soul raping situation and I will always be truly grateful for my blessings.

    “Courage is being afraid and doing it anyway!”

  • Tracy, wonderful story on Anthony Anderson. Before Beauty and Science we are ALL equal. Except for cheaters.

  • For me, I’m mighty because I’m still alive. I’m a mess, but I’m alive.

    My story starts with a very long two weeks of having to put one of my parents in the hospital (twice in two weeks) for a critical illness, caring for our kids while my wife travelled for work during this time and finding out my brother needed to be admitted to the hospital in critical care with a life threatening illness. After coming back from her “work trip” and in the middle of me feeling like I was losing my whole family she told me “I love you but I’m not in love with you any more” and finishes with “I’ve been unhappy and I think your the reason for my unhappiness”. WTF is all I could think. WTF!

    I knew something was seriously wrong with me but I didn’t realize just how sick I was when I went to the doctor the next day. My body was running out of control just like my mind. I was told if I had left my condition any longer I could have had a stroke or heart attack. With the help of my doctor and a wonderful therapist (my two angels who I credit with saving my life) I made it through the next few days.

    I somehow managed to take care of my kids through all this and for the last 5 months while my wife kept taking off, sometimes for a week at a time for “work” (I recently found proof of the affair driving this behaviour). I was the biggest chump of all! I even kept washing her new sexy underwear when she did come home because I believed her when she told me their was nobody else. She told me she needed to buy new clothes because of the weight she lost….and I believed it all because I was still in love with her (which I told her daily). My kids had to watch their father fall apart during this time. I wasn’t angry but I rarely stopped crying because I was afraid they would want to be with her. I had this fear because she was absolute in stating “they would be happier” which is so confusing because they are clearly struggling with this too.

    During this, I’ve managed to make sure that my kids know how much I love them every day since this shit storm started. I’ve got my kids into therapy (against my wife’s wishes) and they love it. I’m back to work, although I’m nowhere near as productive as I was before this. Very soon, I’ll have to face the reality that I’m losing the privilege of kissing my kids every day (I will have them 50% of the time) but I’m staying strong and talking with them about how we can still keep in touch every day so I can keep being the best dad that I can be remotely.

    To finish with what I started. I AM MIGHTY BECAUSE I’M STILL ALIVE! I’m still a mess, and I’m right in the middle of this shit storm but I AM ALIVE. That’s about all I can feel mighty for right now. Going forward, I hope have the strength and courage that all my fellow chumps shared today. You are all truly amazing and give me as a newbie chump the inspiration and strength to aspire to be MIGHTY like you.

    • I don’t have a recent story of mightiness–I just get myself to my office to work as a paid employee and animal shelter to work as a volunteer.

      I think that posters here, my family of origin, my kids, my friends are might. Just writing to thank you for providing inspiring stories and great support for the last few years!

    • C to D: You are mighty because of your love, kindness, and concern for your kids and your parents. Yes, it is mighty to be alive and to survive being chumped, and for me, six months out, that is still often my major mightiness achievement of the day. Believe me, it’s not trivial. Keep going forward. Keep being the good and compassionate parent and son that you are. I believe that all of us chumps will eventually reach Meh.

      • Thanks Unicorns. Your timeline is very similar to mine. In a million years I would have never thought that a broken heart could actually break your heart. When I finally got to the doctor, my blood pressure was 190/105, I could barely talk and was shaking uncontrollably. My wife chose to be with her affair partner that day while I had to take the kids to the doctor with me. I’ll never forget what she said when I told her how sick she made me and that I could have died. She said NOTHING and looked right throug me, without any concern.

        I worry that my heart will break all over again the first week I don’t have my kids with me.

        Unicorns, you and I are MIGHTY! We will survive this. You are awesome.

        • Hi CtoD, One helpful thing I’ve learned from my therapist is to make advance plans for times that I know will be especially difficult and painful. For me, weekends are brutal, because the loneliness becomes overwhelming and I don’t have the distractions of work. I try to plan three activities that involve other people. They include things like inviting a friend to have lunch, going to an exercise class, or attending an interesting lecture. If I can, I try to get out of town and visit someone. I often can only make it through one planned activity, and sometimes it’s just a slog, but I force myself to go because I feel mightier when I make a concerted effort not to let him destroy all my happiness. Being around people, especially around friends provides a much welcome diversion/distraction, and that too is very helpful. Hang in there.

  • On the 1st of May my youngest child with my first husband will turn 18. I will no longer have to deal with late child support or no child support at all (“I saw you bought a new dining table, and figured you didn’t need MY money this week!”) I will no longer have weekends swapped to fit in with his social life, sporting and music committments reneged on or plain ignored. I will no longer have to pick up crying kids half way through custody visits because they have fought with dad’s new girlfriend or no one has fed them for a day and a half. I am free to say NO and go complete no contact. I have craved this day!!!

  • My mighty involves 2 sisters I’ve just come into contact with via Ancestry DNA results and my youngest DS. We knew that the sisters existed, but nothing about them. Anyway, we were a match on Ancestry and started communicating last month.

    This past week end, I drove thru North Carolina to meet one sister, drove into Pennsylvania to visit my hometown and see my still born sister’s grave, then on to Connecticut to meet my other new sister and to top off the fabulous meter, watch my youngest DS perform at Lincoln Center under the direction of Eric Whitacre. Beyond fabulous.

    After the DD and 2 years of wreckonciliation, my twin dying, a year and a half of divorce proceedings and holding down 2 jobs, I was so depleted and numb. Just always exhausted. But good things are starting to happen. After being made to feel I was incompetent thru 28 years of marriage, I drove by myself without getting lost. Made connections with these new family members when I had been so isolated. Watched my son shine and just about burst with pride. And I saw the ex and didn’t react to his manipulations.

    Life is so much more calm and peaceful, even working non stop than it ever was while married. Honestly, I’m grateful the whore took him off my hands. Must be getting close to meh!

  • Building a life is going great-I think better than I anticipated it.
    Dday was July 27th, 2017.

    Since then I have switched my major to psychology (which I always thought might be too hard for me. But I now feel it’s just what I am meant to do. My ex was very competitive with me over what our careers would be, I always felt like I had to do less, so I wouldn’t make him feel like less. *cringe*) I’m where I’m supposed to be. I have applied to my dream college, await acceptance, and have very promising offers.

    I travelled to Ireland and Amsterdam by myself, for about 3 weeks. I ended up meeting someone! A sweet man in France that I will be seeing in June. Although that’s also promising, the best part of that trip was meeting more of my potential. Loving myself harder, in spite of how much pain, and how much I’d been trespassed has felt, and been.

    Walking away from someone I’ve loved more than anyone was the most difficult, gut wrenching thing I’ve ever done in my life. It was a real exorcism. Removing him from my life sometimes felt like I was being branded with hot iron. I’m coming to the end of the pain associated to accepting the time and love I invested in that person being a total sunk cost because ultimately, he wasn’t who he presented himself to be. He had no integrity. Aside from the abandonment/discard, there really was nothing to work with.

    But the healing isn’t over. I’m now in this new place of, how do I forgive myself for accepting less than, and not knowing how valuable I really am?
    It’s a new level of pain and confrontation. The next period of release and transition.

    Maybe some of you will have words on this,
    I look forward to what all of you will write.

    And for the newbies-in the beginning, the best I could do was just survive it.
    If all you can do is get up and out of bed, that’s enough.
    I feel that’s all you can do with this experience.
    Survive another person’s complete mistreatment of you,
    and then go shatter the world with your awesomeness.

    Love you all.

    -LDRchump

  •  

    More than two years after dday and I am slowly inching up from the bottom. I thought after the first year that I was past the worst of the emotional fall out – my frantic, frantic mind from severe anxiety / PTSD – but I went down further, the next year, into severe clinical depression. 

    My mighty?

    Getting up every single day and caring for my kids. Keeping their lives as normal and positive as possible. 

    Seeking out support for myself – meds, IC, psychiatrist, DV support group. 

    And then supporting my DD through severe anxiety and depression (when i started to feel less frantic, she fell apart): IC, group support, meds, not leaving her home alone for more than a couple of hours. Just being here to hold her close when she cries. And telling her she is safe. That I will always be here for her. That we are going to be ok. 

    And dim emails and asks me what is causing her anxiety and depression…
    And I’m left speechless and furious and horrified. He will never take responsibility for his actions.

    I trust that he sucks. I do, i really do now. I understand that he is seriously disordered. I no longer think he had a brain tumor or a mid life crisis. He CHOSE to abuse me. Seeing him clearly is my mightiest accomplishment. 

    • “He CHOSE to abuse me. Seeing him clearly is my mightiest accomplishment.”

      Brightness, this resonated with me deeply.

      I am 9 months past DD5. I can’t remember much of the early days other than burning hot rage. And shame. Such shame for being played for a fool. Everyone knew, except for me, what he was doing behind my back.

      I recently started seeing a new therapist. Telling her about my relationship with ex really brought me to the cold reality of what it was. Abuse. And now I can see it clearly.

      Very hard to accept. But my mighty is transitioning in to acceptance that the relationship was doomed from day 1 because he a disordered psychopath and this is his pattern. I was just one of many.

      My therapist also dropped this little gem: “He is using your own mind against you.”

      So it’s time to stop letting my emotions overwhelm my rational thought and continue with my healing. And no contact!

      • ChumpedInCanada,
        Yes acceptance is the key to calming the emotional turmoil and moving forward. I spent a long time trying to understand why (untangling his skein of fuckedupness). Why he would choose to abuse me. The answer is power and control. 

        I was barely functional at 9 months. You are mighty  for reaching out for support. Therapy with a counsellor trained in abuse and trauma is helping me too. And participating in the DV support group is helping even more. Hearing their stories and seeing the same patterns of behavior in my relationship with dim.  

        Yes to No contact! Or gray rock if contact is necessary.

  • There are many days where I don’t feel mighty, but this week I think I verbally negotiated the settlement with my STBX. I was business like and he agreed to my bottom line requests – decent amount of child support and to jointly sell our marital home. He wanted to pay nothing to me (just split everything 50/50 – now how the hell would that work?) and dump me with the all the market risk to sell our huge home.

    My attorney sent over the revised agreement on Thursday, so we will see what happens! I think I am close to getting divorced from cheater and moving on to a better life. That is my mighty this week.

  • Three and a half months since he’s left after a year of fighting for my marriage. He tells others he is not with the OW, but he basically lives with her when he doesn’t have the kids. Keeps rent he can barely afford just to bring the kids over on his days.

    The Great Mighty has yet to be achieved, but I can share in small mighties.

    First, in the process of fighting for my marriage and now accepting that he left anyways, I know that I have worked tremendously on my own fixings. I am not to blame for the affair at all. However, I have recognized the things in me that contributed to the disconnection in my marriage. I’ve been in counselling to work on those aspects of who I am. Developed better coping skills in learning how to react better in situations. In all, I come out with better relationship skills that I hope will ensure greater success in whatever romantic relationship might lie in my future, while he jumped straight into Plan B with the obsession of an infatuated teenager. He will still possess the same crappy life skills.

    Second, I am learning how to be alone and be contented. I work on myself. I give energy to relationships with family and friends that ensures a wonderful support system. I am getting some time to pursue my own interests. Started a wine club. Joined some meet-ups for hiking. Planning some short trips this summer.

    Third, my faith has grown. Lots of prayer and spiritual reflection has more firmly grounded my value system. I have moral integrity and am in the position to be the example my children need in their lives.

    And, finally, I am being an amazing mom. This is the most important way that I am become mighty. I have enlisted the aid of a very supportive family counsellor who works with my kids and helps me be a good mom (she also keeps my STBX in line as he attends and she calls him out on things so I don’t have to). When I have the children, they are my complete focus. We do homework, we play games, we go on outings, we talk about things, we pray.

    My mighty also includes truly understanding that I was not responsible for the affair. Knowing that there was nothing that I could have done to keep him from derailing as badly as he has. I fought the good fight. I stood for my marriage. I demonstrated commitment and acted with integrity, but directed that to someone who had become undeserving. I did everything I could because of good moral conviction and strength of character. I am a person of honour. In knowing all this, I feel confidence that I will go forward in the world with self-respect and the respect of others. I am a catch. Someone out there will benefit from my mightiness and appreciate it from the start.

  • Well after 40 years of marriage, the last 5 wondering what was going on and why he didn’t he want to do anything with me any more, while he gadded about on holiday after holiday, I was told “ it all got a bit too serious” . I am today travelling alone in the U.K. to meet up with a bunch of people I don’t know (but have similar interest) to fly out to a European city. Something I’d never have done with Mr CP, as it doesn’t involve sport, cars or getting drunk. Go me!

    • Smart – That is awesome! I’ve been kicking around joining a meetup travel group but my introvertdom overrides every action. I’m inspired by you!

      • Born Free I’m an introvert too honestly…the world is full of NICE people, and they’d love to meet you.

        • Born Free, I have just come back from my 8th trip with solos groups and I LOVE them. I am a Brit but I live in France so checked out French and Swiss groups (I work in Switzerland) BUT in the end I travel with British based groups which is absolutely the right thing to do. You see, while I speak French when I travel with either Brits or people who know the country well, we all laugh at the same things. Morecambe and Wise anyone? Nope, if you are American say, you won’t have heard of them but I remember in Peru all cracking up at some of Eric Morecambe’s jokes. So travel with like-minded people. And it’s ok to be shy or introverted – there is someone for everyone to chat to. I remember a few years ago I went to Cuba and we all used to meet up for a drink before going in to dinner. One guy I was talking to said “look at that couple over there. They haven’t said a word to each other all evening. And listen to us lot”! And he was right, we never shut up. Do give it a go – I’m sure you won’t look back. Good luck.

      • Get a group of little old ladies; they are so enthusiastic and really enjoy the journey. My daughter traveled with two different groups on the same tour. The bus with the couples was dead silent, nobody talked to anyone. The other bus, with the little old ladies, was a total hoot! Go play, it’s a big world!

        • Yep I’ll second that. In fact, most of these groups are mainly little old ladies but they are wonderful!

  • I am just writing the final reports for the three grad school classes I’m taking. At the same time, I teach full time, and I have sole custody of two teenagers.

    I have never worked so hard in my life. I feel very stretched thin. But by golly, I have high A’s as a grad student, my own kids have straight A’s, and my classroom showed 21/23 students with upward growth in reading at the end if the year test.

    I am exhausted.

  • I am so grateful to Chump Lady for the strength I gain from this site. Strength to stay NO CONTACT with Creeper. Since dumping his cheap butt last June, I started grad school, sold my little home for a much larger home in a much better, more PEACEFUL community, and am financially more prosperous than I’ve ever been. Happily single, and hoping to one day find a faithful man.

    I also want to commend people like @Twitching who survive the affair(s) and have children to care for. You are my heroes, and I applaud you for all your sane parent choices. When my dad cheated, both my parents went off the deep end. It sucked. For me, being with Creeper, it was all I could do to care for him and my emotionally needy cat. But with that ball and chain boyfriend out of my life, life’s bandwidth has increased exponentially, and I’ve been climbing mountains.

    Total side note, but has anyone ever had a significant other who was a young man-child (Creeper was only 28 but needed to be cared for like a six-year-old), yet had these weird geriatric tendencies, such as, walking around the house with a neck pillow around his neck, sleeping with a knee pillow, acting fatigued like an old person, drinking hot tea a lot–even in the summer? It was so perplexing.

  • After months of trying to wreckoncile (singlehandedly), I nearly lost my mind and ended up in the hospital. I’ve been baby stepping on the slow road to recovery ever since. My JesusFreak who didn’t want me to work left me penniless and on food stamps while he bought himself a new car and took his affair partner on long weekends. But the food stamps helped me get back to cooking (and eating). I had to review all his financial discovery full of escorts and prostitutes. But that helped me see the monster for real. I couldn’t afford the therapy I needed to recover from a five-year mindfucking. But I swallowed my pride and got on Medicaid and found help. I’m still here, still surviving, heading for thriving, and just finished my first full week of work in over four years at a new job I got all by myself. I learned that I’m still really good at what I do, people value me, and going back to work wasn’t nearly as frightening as I thought it would be. I’m going to have to support myself and fund my own retirement (starting from zero since JesusFreak stole my previous one) but that’s okay because I know I can do it. I have found that I have good friends who aren’t afraid to wade into the darkness and pull me out and new friends who know this exact pain and aren’t afraid of talking about it when others just don’t get it. I’m in a place I never wanted to be but I’m doing it; I’m getting through it. CN and your book has been a HUGE part of the process.

    • Way to go girl. Don’t you just love the JesusFreaks! My ex wasn’t one but my bastard ex brother-in-law was! Still, he got all his money taken off him by a Russian woman he met over the internet who “fell madly in love with him” without ever meeting him. Wasn’t thinking with the right head was he!

  • 2 years of running the farm, 2 jobs and 3 mortgages thanks to the relationship property settlement, yet I am financially better off without him. I’ve been working longer hours than he and the whore put together, so that I can now resign and live off the farm. He doesn’t have a job, he’s depressed because…? Wherever he goes, there he is and now he wants to be my friend. Of course he has no friends… And this time he can’t blame me and my bad housekeeping when he plays house husband to the whore.
    Sorry, I am too busy making a profit on this unworkable farm. Idiot.

  • Kiwichump, you are such an inspiration to me. As I toil in the muck and mud of my place near the US/Canadian border, it brings me peace to know that there are strong women all over the world. I always look forward to reading your posts, and you truly are mighty. Off now to chip off some more ice and snow from my patio…

    • Thank you eirene. You’re mighty! I don’t think I could cope with so much ice and snow, so lucky to live in mild NZ, just a lot of mud in winter but…where’s there’s mud, there’s money 😉

  • I married young and always regretted that I never went to college.

    Asshat walked out 3 years ago. I was a stay at home, homeschooling mom with no income. I was a mess. Lost 33 lbs and had to be put on meds. After 3 months of his waffling bullshit, I called the shot.

    Hired a kick ass lawyer. Eventually, after the divorce dust settled, I got a job with that same lawyer and one of the highest salaries in our city for legal secretaries. I bought MY own home and moved out of his. Graduated a kid from homeschool and college. Bought my own car. I am currently homeschooling another kid while I work full time at a new job with the top company in my town.

    Oh yeah…this week I take my finals to receive my Associates Degree in Paralegal Studies. I am scheduled to graduate in May.

    My kids have watched me go from a sobbing mess to a mighty badass.

    And Asshat, if you might be reading this? I used to think how lucky I was to be your wife! And now? I think how lucky I am not. You’re and the skank are good enough for each other.

    #CNismighty

  • Well it has been a year now since I have seen my X. He still hassles me via text about stuff but for the most part I ignore. A year. Wow.

  • I missed this post because I was overseas – I took my kids to Disneyland!! (Just got back yesterday). Cheater dad always promised to take them, never did. All talk, no action. It’s been 2 years since I left him at the airport. And it took me a while to get a job because I had to finish uni. Graduated on Valentine’s Day this year, at which point I was nearly 2 months into a new job. I am lucky enough to be living with my parents at the moment. which means I am not throwing money away on rent (but that will come soon) and I was able to save enough to take my 2 kids on this Disney vacation. Thanks to my parents, I was able to fulfill the dream of taking my kids to Disneyland while they are still young enough to be WOWed by it (9&7) – something cheater could/would only talk about. The kids and I had the best time!! It felt mighty 💪🏼

  • It will be four years this June, but I had to think about how long ago it was. Oh, man, to those of you still in the throes of pain, hold on. It gets better.

    The loneliness goes away, the anger abates, the self-hate turns to love. I swear to all the gods. And then, one day, you might even get a little gem.

    A few weeks ago, I met some friends at the bar where my ex-horrible’s hussy works. I walk in, sit down at a table full of wonderful people (all of whom I befriended since D-Day) who were all happy to see me. And, lo, there he was, sitting at the bar with her. He was drunk and she kept trying to stop him from embarrassing himself. She seemed miserable. He was ridiculous.

    It was beautiful.

    My life is richer, and my bank account is, too. I’m so, so happy not to be back there.

    You will all get through this, I promise.

    xoxoxo

  • After 18 months of absolute hell (sorry “attempting reconciliation”), I moved out for good 3 months ago. Since then I have had a pity-party many a time, but I am successfully holding down my job and recouping lost savings slowly, raising my 2 young kids the 4 days I have them, and am slowly adjusting to single life at 38 (thought I was done with it when I married at 24).

    Perhaps most importantly, though, I *have not messaged my STBXW about fixing things/why/whatever since the day after I moved out.* I mark an X on my calendar for every day I maintain NC (except kids/divorce related), and seeing that streak is really nice. I hope I don’t break it.

    Interestingly, she has messaged a few times to try and either strike up a conversation, or for support in one way or another. Me ending any brief response with “Ttyl” seems to have riled her up. and I even got vitriol back one time due to it.

    Trying to stay/be mighty for my 2 boys, but thankful to be just getting out of bed each day frankly.