Stay in Touch

Check out CL's Book

UBT: 7 Reasons Your Husband Left You For His Emotional Affair Partner

I think family therapist Lisa Bahar might be trolling us. I’ve read some asinine relationship listicles in my day (HuffPo I’m talking to you), but this one takes the biscuit — 7 Reasons Your Husband Left You for His Emotional Affair Partner. (Spoiler alert: It was you. You suck.)

“She filled the gap and was willing to be a part of your relationship knowing all too well the troubles he had with you.” (Is this a naughty double entrendre? Filled the GAP? Or has divorcedmoms.com no editor?)

Anyway, it’s nice of Lisa to put it so plainly. Other articles by Lisa include:

7 Reasons Your Sexy Skirt Prompted That Rape

5 Ways Your Inadequacies Force Others to Drown Kittens … and

13 Crazy Ways Cancer Cells Divide to Punish You

The common denominator here, of course, is YOU. I don’t think that’s a coincidence. The Universal Bullshit Translator was curious to learn all 7 ways you suck, so here goes:

1. What he felt: He felt inadequate and insecure and needed your praise of what he is doing right versus what he is doing wrong in the relationship.

What the emotional affair provided him: Emotional validation that he is good and adequate, she understood his frustrations with you. She most likely provided suggestions such as flowers, gifts, what to say or not say to help make things better in the marriage.

The result: He felt heard, understood and calmer, and he associated these good feelings to the EA.

The missing link in the marriage: Both spouses were unskilled in how to validate one another daily, despite the differences, being able to identify how you are both doing and being something positive in the relationship.

She was just there making polite bouquet suggestions “Avoid carnations!” and that’s why he had to fuck her. Excuse me, form a chaste, personal bond of the sort that compels one to leave his marriage.

Women, don’t leave your men alone with daffodils and total strangers who care deeply about your marital satisfaction. He might associate good feelings with daffodils. Or strangers. Or mailboxes. Anyway, the world is a psychedelic kaleidoscope of sensory stimulation. He could bond at any moment. Remain vigilant.

2. What he felt: He wanted sex and wasn’t sexually satisfied.

What the emotional affair provided him: She made him feel desired sexually and responded with flirting and innuendos and most likely gave him some ideas on how to please you.

The result: He felt more desired as a sexual partner and more attractive, most likely leading to working out and buying new clothing as well as trying to please his spouse, but, at the same time, thinking of her. He associates the other woman’s sexual openness to his need to be desired as a sex partner. He associates these feelings to her when he is with his spouse and confusion may occur leading to obsessiveness and need for more contact with his emotional affair partner.

The missing link in the marriage: Intimacy and sexual desire weren’t consistently worked on and protected in the relationship.

There she is again, just offering your husband “ideas on how to please you” and YOU REFUSE TO BE PLEASED, frigid cow that you are.

She desires him. She is sexually open. And she is also trying to save your marriage, if you’d let her. But of course you won’t, because he’s at the gym/working late/and is listed as “Bob” in his cellphone.

You failed to protect him.

3. What he felt: Bored in the relationship, like they were “roommates,” instead of a married couple.

What the emotional affair provided: A sense of fun and play, even coordinating an event that she may be present at with her own spouse or significant other.

The result: He arrives at the social gathering, eager to have fun, however, preoccupied with the emotional affair partner. When his spouse questions his preoccupation with her he brushes off the concerns by telling his wife, “she is just a friend.

He shares with his affair partner, how the time went, and they both find a common theme, generally leading to a thought, if not said verbally, that they could have had fun together if the spouses were not involved. The fantasy of meeting and being together appeals to them both.

The missing link in the marriage: Enjoying pleasant activities together and doing the “clichéd” but effective date night. You both needed to protect and make time for one another, invest in a sitter, nanny, in-law, older sibling to watch the kids if necessary, but you failed to keep those times alive and nourished.

You failed to enjoy pleasant activities together, like that social gathering he just arrived at. You need to make time for him, even though he’s in the corner chatting with his “friend” plotting to leave you. (A friend with whom he has NEVER had sex. He plots to leave you with all his friends.)

Had you only invested in a sitter… he would’ve fucked her too.

4. What he felt: He wanted to talk to his spouse, but when he tries she is always busy with the children, work, commitments and can’t talk or find time for conversation with him.

What the emotional affair provided him: She was available and provided him company and a listening ear. This happens many times with those that travel.

The result: She becomes his companion and he feels connected to someone that does not make demands on him. He may, given the circumstances, have her join him on a trip at some point.

The missing link in the marriage: Not being mindful of when you call one another and when you are both drifting apart or disconnecting. It takes active participation to notice, remember and follow up on the call or his need to communicate if you were not able to talk at the time he reached out.

Her ears were available. This happens many times with those who travel.

Call him! Reach out! Cellphone service is not available in his area. Follow up! No, still can’t reach him. No, it’s a dead spot. No really, talk to Verizon. St. Louis is VERY patchy. What are you insinuating? HE WAS IN A HOTEL ROOM DISCUSSING DAFFODILS! FOR YOU!

5. What he felt: Controlled and not trusted due to your questioning and checking his phone, iPad, etc.

What the emotional affair provided: He may have decided to now escalate into using “burner numbers.” He gets more strategic to protect his connection with his affair partner. (question, in a situation like this, wouldn’t the EA affair partner offer him the trust that is missing in the marriage?)

The result: Adrenaline, the rush of secrecy and a feeling of being alive occurs. The addictive mind starts to obsess with the fear of not being found out, which fuels the feeling of being desired, not being bored, understood and validated.

The missing link in the marriage: It’s time for couple’s therapy. There is a need for someone to help with what is happening in the marriage, go to therapy each week. Commit to regular therapy times and protect that time will have a positive effect on the relationship. When you find, yourself checking computer use, cell phone calls and social media accounts, there is a reason for that, use your wisdom, be mindful and listen to your gut.

Commit to regular therapy so Lisa can tell you this is all your fault. It may not be immediately obvious to you that this is all your fault, so you need a trained professional.

Are you mindful and listening to your gut? Is it telling you to check his phone? That makes you a distrustful shrew who compels men to cheat on her. #yourewelcome #thatwillbe$120

6. What he felt: Guilt over the emotional affair. “I don’t want to hurt her, I should not be doing this.”

What the emotional affair provided him: His affair partner is understanding and may even make the suggestion they stop corresponding.

The result: The emotional affair most likely renews the need for a connection with random unnecessary excuses to continue to see and talk to each other. He feels guiltier which spurs on the adrenaline rush he gets from engaging in the affair.

The missing link in the marriage: Remain aware of how you are responding to his odd behavior during his affair. Odd behavior which is usually projection and accusations of you doing something. Counseling is essential at this point.

Is he acting oddly? Has cell phone reception been particularly patchy in St. Louis? Whatever chaste, not-sex thing he’s doing (looking at gardening catalogs with women who only want the best for you), he feels guilty about it. (He hides bulb catalogs under his bed, and when you’re not around he jerks off to dahlia tubers.) Remain aware of how you are responding to this. Call Lisa.

7. What he felt: Anxious and distressed about being in the marriage and desiring the emotional affair.

What the emotional affair provides him: An ultimatum or need for him to leave his spouse. The emotional affair partner desires control and wants him to divorce his wife.

The result: He tries to find ways to make his wife leave him first to relieve the guilt he feels over the affair. Perhaps this has happened to you, you may have argued, stood your ground, asked him to leave. He may go, and you separate, or he stays at a friend’s house. In these situations, divorce is in your future.

The missing link in the marriage: If this is the case, time for personal reflection, counseling, self-care, support and a willingness to look at your part in the demise of your marriage. Stick to your values, avoid generating an emotional affair as well to get back at him or relieve your own pain.

She needs him to leave you. This woman, so concerned for your marital happiness and welfare. Who cares about the quality of your floral bouquets and the sex you’re having. A woman who only listens and provides fun, but never sex! Anyway, she requires your husband to leave you. And because he is easily stimulated (mailbox! daffodil! hamburger!) he considers it.

Look at your part in the demise of your marriage. Did you express pain at his plotting to leave you? Did you ask him to choose? If so, divorce (DIVORCE!!!! SHAME! FAILURE! DIVIDED 401KS!) is in your future. He will go to her ears. Those listening ears and all the sweet, stolen nights they spent together listening in St. Louis.

He will leave for her, because you suck. Practice self care. Reflect. Call Lisa.

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • Well, by Lisa’s reasoning ( why are they always named Lisa? This is my X’s new baby mama’s name too) I should have left my X sons ago! I got ZERO of my needs met during my marriage. But some of that was my responsibility, as I did not make some of my needs known or did not enforce boundaries well enough.

    News flash Lisa, they should talk to their spouses about needs not get filled. If they are talking to someone else about those needs, odds are they have never even mentioned them to the spouse and are therefore themselves THE PROBLEM!

    • “If they are talking to someone else about those needs, odds are they have never even mentioned them to the spouse and are therefore themselves THE PROBLEM!”

      Thank you! Mine wanted to present the divorce as “We grew apart” and said to my face that our problem was that we had insoluble “communication problems,” while insisting “I never felt like I could talk to you,” thus neatly making our “communication problems” and therefore the need for divorce my fault. Never mind that for years I was the caretaker of his emotions and emotional health and needs, often saying things like “You seem unhappy or stressed. What’s going on?”
      Never mind that he had no problem at all “communicating” to me precisely and exactly down to the smallest and most explicit detail what he expected from me in the way of supporting his newfound sexual turn on of dressing in women’s lingerie and acting out the fantasy of a sexually submissive woman.

        • LMAO!!!! Whoa!

          Cheater would say he can’t talk to me. He said I was the only person he lied to. I called his bluff on that shit when I pointed out that he sure has no problem insulting, cussing and disrespecting me to my face. Yet his ,’apologies’ came behind a veil of text.
          No…they communicate alright. We need to look at what they are communicating.

          • Mine never apologized for ANYTHING. Never. Not one thing. I never heard sorry from him for anything that happened during our marriage. He was (and still is) extremely offended if any hint of accountability is directed towards him. I do occasionally get a sorry now, but it’s a sorry you misunderstood me or sorry that wasn’t my intention.

            When he left, he dumped a list of offenses on me that went back years. He was angry at me for not going to his brothers wedding 2 years ago because my cousin got married on the same day and I thought we would split the events. Never once did he tell me it bothered him. All he had to do is say I would prefer you come to my brothers wedding. He held onto that anger for 2 years without ever mentioning that I hurt his feelings. How am I to correct a behavior when I’m not aware that I did anything wrong?

            • CancerChump – top of my ex’s list of my “Unforgiveable Sins of Yours That Made Me Cheat” was – 20 years previously when he was a student and I was working full-time to support us, he decided to spend a sunny day studying in the park and felt intimidated by some local yobs.
              And? That’s it. I was at work miles away. But it was my fault that some local yobs intimidated him in a public park.
              And he held this against me secretly, for 20 years.
              Poor lamb

              • X was angry we moved back to the USA (from the place we had lived and that our last baby had died at on my birthday.) I was pregnant again and in fear for my rainbow baby’s life and preferred to have her in The US. He held on to that lie forever, and I felt bad but also like wtf? We lost a real child! Later I put 2 and 50 together and realized he was a serial cheating narcissist. He’d been cheating since day one but when I found out he claimed it was the move. I just didn’t know at the time it was a pattern. He was never faithful.

              • Some of those reasons are just crazy – the things they come up with!

                Yeah, my STBXW’s list of reasons for cheated including – wait for it – that I “didn’t take her out for coffees”. Seriously!

                #1 – I am a Brit and drink tea, don’t like coffee, never have (don’t hate me). Been like this for the entire 13 years we were married.
                #2 – We always had coffee/drinks before or after a movie, after going out for dinner etc. But apparently *that wasn’t enough*. No, it had to be a specific outing for coffee.
                #3 – How could I anyway? I was the one looking after the kids whenever she went out for coffee “with her sister” (i.e. AP). Her family were useless and provided no support; mine live half a world away.

                It’s mind boggling.

      • Ahaha! Mine, too, was quick to school me on how to have sex with him while he was a submissive woman. He even had me call him a by woman’s name and he gave me a man’s name. Knowing how unimaginative he is in general, both names were probably previous sex partners. Funny, not funny.🙄

    • As a man, I have to agree about feeling inadequate and not getting praise for the things I do right.

      For instance, I once spent an hour unclogging the toilet after the youngest flushed Barney down it. Since I didn’t get any praise for a job well done, I immediately felt the need to go fuck my co-worker.

      • And that whole line is a lie anyway. Ex got plenty of praise from me both in private and in public. It didn’t stop him from feeling “:unloved and unwanted” so he just had to go fuck strange. Every thing “lacking” in the marriage on that list were things the cheater was doing wrong, not the faithful spouse. I certainly didn’t get much praise from ex on anything ever.

        • THIS x1,000,000,000.

          All that dbag got from me working full-time, caring for both kids, taking care of our home, fixing his his f-ups, me running his failed rental property business, me telling him how great/wonderful/talented his was ALL the freaking time, but somehow, got NOTHING in return.

          So glad to be free of that idiot.

        • That’s exactly what I was thinking as I read that list. What a bunch of dragon snot. But it is straight out of the mouths of cheaters. She’s listening to them. She’s just not thinking critically about what it all adds up to.

        • Right? I was always wrong. Always mean, not kind, not encouraging. He didn’t want to do anything. But I had to praise his stupid face for the simplest stuff.

          • Omg, yes I think some of our guys definitely fall into a pattern of traits, (from being a Narcissist or BPD). Mine couldn’t get enough praise from me either apparently. Nevermind he never threw an ounce my way for everything I had done. (Like go to work and pay for our nanny while he stayed home to work on getting his business started- though it was really hard to make progress…but I found out later it is hard to work when you’re talking to OW and then some all day). He was always “right” as well- could never be wrong!! Even if I googled the correct answer proving I was correct about something as little as a movie fact, he would tell me his “opinion” on a “fact” was still true. So you can only imagine how arguing on real topics went. After the divorce, I remember looking at my brother and sister in law talking at their table one day, and I told them, “it’s amazing you guys can talk to each other and he respects your opinion and you can talk back and forth about anything ”. With my Bozo, it was a one way street. No one else’s opinion mattered.

            • Exactly same convo situation with my XH. He was always right and I was always wrong despite pure physical evidence on many an ocassion. He even spouted regular and repeated bollocks such as ‘I’m the real deal ’, and ‘you’ll never find anyone else like me’ etc. Looking back I now recognise he came out with this crap roughly every 6 weeks in our 24 year marriage thus drip feeding me this bollocks on a regular basis. And despite my working full time, bringing up kids, doing all the housework and paying all the bills, he still expected me to say well done on the odd ocassion he washed up. I never got any thanks or gratefulness for anything I did.
              And while I was running around chasing my tail doing all this shit for our family? He was making sex videos with over 250 people while I was at work and kids at school. Including bringing some of these strangers into our family home for sex.
              The week before I left he had the fucking nerve to claim that he had been loyal and committed to this relationship! And also that he had put every spare penny into this family – although it turned out he had a £400+ a month hooker habit.
              What a total fucking bastard.
              If he is the ‘real deal’ then it seems the real deal is a fucking nightmare and I don’t want it! If I ‘won’t find anyone else like him’ then thank fuck for that!
              .

              • Ally,

                Holy Crap!!! 250 sex videos?!?!? That’s why I say these narcs really are like bottomless pits. There is NOTHING you could do, short of, say, turning yourself into a porn star that would ever fill the void in this guy (or the other narcs). Even if you won porn star awards for best anal scene, etc., he would probably still be there telling you you didn’t do it good enough! And yes, they have a huge problem with reality- mine actually told me at one point (after I initiated the divorce) that he was the only person in my life that never betrayed me. I don’t know what his idea of betrayal is, but..then again after it came out that he cheated and he admitted to it, he still told me he wasn’t a cheater. Literally told me “I am not a cheater”. When I questioned him further about the BS, he said, “Well that’s what I did, it’s not who I am.” Ahh, to be able to parse reality like that and believe it! Your ex sounds like he is the “real deal” when it comes to being pathological, that’s for sure. Your last line there cracked me up. I wish you lots of love and happiness from here on out. I figure if we still got our sense of humor after it all, we’re half way there…..

      • ——I got ZERO of my needs met during my marriage. But some of that was my responsibility, as I did not make some of my needs known or did not enforce boundaries well enough.—–

        ^^^^^^THIS^^^^^^

        • Enforcing boundaries you are so right [getting your needs met – losing wicket, give up on that one]. But we should have enforced boundaries.

          Even now during the separation of our assets, there is a problem that mutually harms us both, and I will automatically get ‘you are not the boss of me’ when I offer my [actually vitally needed] help. I will say, which I should have said in marriage ‘It is happening’.

          Its a memory from marriage (resistance to taking on board anything from me, to the point of destruction) that I am looking forward to not having in my life, ever again.

          • Yes, yes, yes, to your comment. The divorce made me realize Boundaries are something I have had to learn to implement big time, and I am slowly learning the art of assertiveness (not just with Bozo, but in life all around). But I have also realized how my ex Bozo would sooner destroy himself and everyone around him then be told what to do. He is arrogance at its finest. I’ve told people close to me a million times through our divorce, that if we were on the Golden Gate Bridge together and I told him not to jump, he would, just to “defy” me and show me I’m wrong.

    • Hey some of us chumps are called Lisa and I have definitely never engaged in an affair, emotional or otherwise with anyone.

    • Just wondering…I wonder if Lisa or Esther Perel for that matter, has been or is in what is a decidedly monogamous relationship and been cheated on. I would think that it would change their views markedly. Especially, (not that I wish this on anyone), if they realize their partner is a serial cheating, character disordered type. I think that a large majority of people think that cheating is either an “it takes two to tango thing”, or in their fear of ever being in the same situation, mistakenly think that us chumps could have done things differently that would have not lead to the affair(s). In my experience, nothing could be farther from the truth. We bend over backwards trying. I know I tried to address problems I felt; and my cheating ex, the day before Dday, had told me that he was “great” and I am the one that needs to go to counseling myself, cause he was perfectly happy. People not touched by infidelity mistakenly think that this is something preventable. Maybe so with a person of integrity. But you can be the best damn wife (or husband) in the world, and if it’s in the spouse’s nature to cheat, they’ll do it. People want reassurances in life, and these rules give spouses false reassurances that fidelity is somehow within their control. Unfortunately, we are only in control of ourselves.

      • “People want reassurances in life, and these rules give spouses false reassurances that fidelity is somehow within THEIR control. Unfortunately, we are only in control of ourselves.”

        STANDING OVATION! This needs to be a PSA on billboards, subway signs, commercials #chumpnation

    • Wow!! This right here. Thank you, CL for clarifying all this for me!! I wish I could send to the ex… Wait a minute, nothing helps them to understand how much they suck!!

    • Mine was Tracy she helped destroy my marriage, lovely slut she was the right after the 4 day sex romp at sleezebag motel he came home and blamed her for everything!

  • Wow. This should have been called 7 reasons it’s all your fault your husband left you for his emotional affair partner, or 7 reasons she’s so much better than you. What a load and kick to the gut rolled up into one lovely package. And I just love how the poor husband is pretty much exempt from being a reason why the affair happened. Like he was just ensnared and held hostage by feelings and hormones, with no sense of responsibility at all. Nice.

    • It infantalizes husbands, like they’re incapable of having mature, adult thoughts, and responsibilities. Give them some credit and treat them like the adults they are (with all of the consequences). Nobody is giving me snaps over doing the laundry or cleaning the toilette, it’s called ‘adulting’, and I’m certainly never ever considered having an affair, especially before actually talking about my needs to my SO!

      My STBX would likely have at least some of those things on his list of reasons. But they are just poor excuses for his inability to be mature and responsible adult (avoiding stressful conversations, avoiding consequences, being selfish, and taking the easy route). Sorry, but I don’t want to teach a 40 year old child how to behave like an adult.

      • Amen, Char21,
        In my case it would have been teaching morals to a 64 year old man! He pleaded with me when I kicked him out, “I need your help to know [right from wrong]”. Um,.. sorry. That ship has sailed. If your mama couldn’t do it, I sure as hell can’t. School’s out m**F**er

      • Exactly these types of people haven’t matured to being able to handle adult relationships and dealing with troubles like lack of intimacy

  • Yup, guaranteed that this is exactly what went though ex’s mind AND ow’s mind…and probably still does.
    Their own reality and justification for fucking each other and blowing up a long marriage and ruining his relationship with his kids.
    And I’m sure they feel quite smug about their choices.
    Well, god bless them and their deranged minds.
    Thanks, Lisa, for making people like them feel good!

    • “We only get one life and we deserve to be happy. It is unfortunate that we destroyed the happiness of so many other people, but we only get one life and we deserve to be happy.” Repeat loop as many times as needed.

    • Same. This, in essence, is my STBX’s narrative. Also that the end was “inevitable.” Also that he’s really sorry, he just can’t express his remorse out of his own need for “self preservation.”

    • Not exactly these types feel regret I know because I have seen my ex husband around town and he has aged HORRIBLY from stress

  • My ex told me that after he got OW#1 pregnant that it was OW#2 that convinced him to work on saving his marriage and family. Then 18months later she became OW#2.

    It just let me know that while he was screwing one woman, he was confiding in another, all while lying to me. It became easier after that conversation to trust he sucks and go gray rock.

    And I am disgusted with the normalizing of this behavior by society.

    • Hey me too the worst is the police they do NOTHING about anything. Our Canadian RCMP told me they cannot judge “MORALLY” I have been in the fight of my life for 16 months now here in Canada my kids caught in the middle. Even the judge did nothing to help, he just said it’s filthy yes but NOT illegal!

      • This is why these problems are escalating my lawyer also said “DATING” sites are a huge problem. Many people on dating sites are not single

        • Yep. And when I told the widow (of a serial cheating arsehole) he has taken off to be with (she thought he was single) AND another of the women (single mother) he was still (and maybe still is) talking to just a short while ago that he was not single, they both sounded shocked. Then carried on anyway. There are a fuck load of faulty pickers out there!

  • I don’t normally recommend reading the comments but well over half of them refute the article itself. Hooray!

    Previously chumps just sat back and ate the shit sandwiches handed out in spades by cheaters/therapists/neutralcountrieslocatedinEuropefriends. Wondering what they had done wrong to cause another person to treat them badly. Maybe I’m being overly optimistic, but I feel the narrative is changing. We’re fighting back, knowing how many of us are out there.

    And fuck you, Lisa.

    • We need to fight back, to tell the chump’s side. But so often the comments sections of these type of articles are disabled, probably because of chumps fighting back, refuting the narrative.

      Lisa, it ISN’T OK. It ISN’T the chump’s fault.

      How dare you imply it is. Fuck you.

  • I love number 4. What he felt – he suddenly wants to talk but his selfish spouse is too busy with the kids and commitments. Here’s an idea instead of screwing your “”friend”. How’s about HELPING with the shit that has to get done??
    These articles just KILL me. It’s all my fault AND if only I were supper chill and didn’t get so bent out of shape about someone I loved and trusted lying to my face. Ahhhhh

    • I love it. My wife was too busy with the kiiiiiids I’M SORRY, do the kids not have a father? Someone who enjoyed making them? Someone who should realise it’s not 1957 any more and fathering doesn’t mean hiding behind a newspaper when not doling out allowances and spankings?

    • This! If you’ve got the free time to sit around and pout over how your spouse is too busy with kids and housework, you’ve got the free time to do some goddamn childcare and housework! Maybe s/he’d be done with the dishes sooner if you would help instead of sit your ass on the couch sulking about it.

    • BINGO! Mine was always complaining that the meals were not good enough, then hire a chef if you don’t like it

  • This is mainstream thought within infidelity counseling and exactly what I got in MC after D-day 1: “Figure out what was missing in the marriage, that she had to go outside the marriage to find, then work to supply that within the marriage, so she won’t feel compelled to cheat.”
    #fuckthatnoise
    #changethenarrative

    • I heard the same thing from the ‘therapist’, the same therapist that I later learned was related to the OW. Just my luck! She actually told me that she did not want us to discuss X’s cheating. She wanted to discuss what led to his cheating. Well, that was an easy one. He is a self-entitled prick ,who thinks only of himself, and OW is a gold digger, who thought she had boarded the money train. Needless to say, I did not stick around for more. Why would I waste my money?

      • Found out later that she as related to the OW??? Hope you reported her to the local governing body and that she lost her license…

    • I had already been doing all of that for several years after the EA that got cut short before it could become a PA only to have the PA’s happen anyway eight years later. There is no way to affair proof the marriage. It is impossible to meet all of the needs of someone who doesn’t really want you to because he/she wants to stray and will look for any excuse to justify doing so no matter how awesome a spouse you try to be.

      • Yeah. My six-figure earning childless executive boyfriend told me at the end that I didn’t have enough vacation (I had 14 weeks per year) and didn’t have a good enough career, although I have a professional one and multiple degrees (interpretation: enough income for his taste). I guess that he had envisioned a childless, jobless multimillionaires to knock on his door and prostrate herself at his feet. Oh well, I guess that his work subordinate will do!

        I don’t even remember what my abusive, adulterous ex-husband wanted–and don’t care.

        • 14 weeks a year! That is fucking incredible. Watch out, the disordered always move the goal posts further and further out. RockStar, you could be all kinds of incredible, which I suspect you are!-even without a SO😁🙌, and it still wouldn’t be enough. Here’s the thing, I knew I deserved a good man (human though: I read too much, procrastinate when it comes to chores I don’t like, and struggle with my weight) even when X’s belittling and discard phase occurred. I just didn’t know why he was behaving like an asshole until I figured out he was fucking another woman. Hard to be married and cheating. Those two words just never belong in the same sentence.

    • I still remember Dday marriage counselor #1. Cheater Wife was sitting there lying. My gut feeling was that the marriage counselor (also cheater’s individual therapist) could tell that she was lying, but instead of pushing her she instead focused on me “sure you do all the cooking and cleaning and taking care of the baby but Cheater needs attention also”. F U lady. Some of these marriage therapists feed the monster.

        • Exactly. Dr. Crazy spent several thousand dollars on “sex addict” therapy for him, me (partner) and us designed to make his prostitutes, neighborhood hookers, old flames and online dating seem not so bad.

    • Pray tell what can be missing that causes a person to become a liar , cheat and thief? Pray tell what is missing from a relationship that causes a person to be verbally, emotionally and physically abusive? Pray tell what is missing?!

      The answer is nothing! There is nothing missing from the relationship. There is something missing from the cheater.

      Despite their ill-treatment their lying, cheating,stealing, volatility,etc…we are not driven to do the same to them.

      I despise cheaters with a passion even more so now I know what they are truly made of.

      • Exactly what I think.
        No matter what exh2 did or said, I never even thought of cheating.
        He may have shitty character, but I damn sure don’t.

      • Absolutely spot on.
        None of us chumps ever even considered cheating.
        We have integrity and good characters.
        All cheaters have shitty characters and a sense of entitlement.
        Nothing we chumps did was wrong.
        We were the backbones of the relationships and the cheaters gave zero fucks about any vows they made to us and just did anything they liked. Then they turn around and blame us for the consequences. This totally sucks.

        Lisa sucks.
        Lisa sucks big time.
        Lisa is enabling cheaters.
        Lisa can fuck off.
        Lisa can fuck right off.

  • If someone took a blank sheet of computer paper and shit on it, this would be the result. What in the hell did I just read!?

    Adrenaline rush from guilt? Ha. Nooo. Its an adrenaline rush from deception.
    He actually told me that she told him to buy me flowers numerous times. (spoiler: I never got the flowers) I said well if she is texting you 4000 times a month to give you “marital advice” that you needed sooo badly, then why the fuck did you not do any of the things your GURU supposedly told you to do?!!??
    I have 7 reasons why… 1-7: I married a lying cheating son-of-a-bitch

    • Susan of Seattle told nowdeadcheater that maybe her role was to helpnhim learn to love me more.

      Im wondering if “missionary “” or “doggy style” fucking was going to accomplish this goal most efficiently.

      FTR, Lisa, i about fell over myself giving that man endless affirmations and encouragement… something he never reciprocated.

      • I may not have kids but I never got any affirmations. The focus was on the howorker so it’s no wonder that there was not one utterance of affirmation out of cheaters mouth. And when I read the article I could just see the Howorker saying all of that to him. I bet he said plenty of sweet things to That Ho though, did not want to waste it on me. That dog face woman. He probably told her she was beautiful Bahaha ha …where’s my barf bag Oh, and the OW tramp definitely was NOT telling him to be nice to me….what a f joke that article is…it was all about her and how much she could get by probably most likely lying about how greaaaat the sex was….haha She was play acting for money…cheater fell for all the accolades. I saw the emails asking how his format was…’work speak’ for his bed performance…to which Whore replied “it was great !!!!! Thanks !!! Ca ching Ca ching.. The sound of Howorker being paid for being laid…
        I hope she is suffering from the loss of now dead cheater awwww,

  • The OW in my case most definitely was not encouraging my x to send flowers or be nice to me in any way. She was too busy screwing him in his fathers bed at my in laws house, going on business trips with him and prank calling me. As the Parkland student, Emma Gonzalez eloquently stated ‘we call BS’

  • I had to stop reading half way through. It is so infuriating!!!! I told him i loved him everyday(and he told me.) We had sex(often.) I would like to read an article entitled “how the ow brings out your husbands dark side.” really. I would love to read that. And when i say dark i mean demon from hell dark.

    • “How to Meet the Needs of a Cluster B Demon Husband”
      1. Don’t have any needs
      2. Don’t ask questions
      3. Understand rules are only meant for you
      4. Give unlimited attention but also be invisible
      5. Give and give until you die

      • 6. How to Waste Your Life Trying to Please an Entitled Fuckwit Who Cannot Be Pleased (A Memoir by Chump Princess)

        7. The Care of Feeding of the Eternal ManBaby

        8. I Thought It Was Me Until I Realized You’re An Asshole

        Excellent UBT as always Chump Lady! Lisa needs to stop providing therapy and seek it.

        • OMG! Friday challenge? In Relationships/Marriage: “I Thought It Was Me Until I Realized You’re An Asshole” 😂Chump Princess for the win!

      • That’s the real list all right! The twit himself even said that’s what he wanted: praise, unquestioned loyalty and respect, no questions and most of all no complaints. Oh and perverse sex and for me to make more money for him to squander. Right after I served him dinner and cleaned the house of course.

        This isn’t an exaggeration either he actually demanded these things. Took me 22 years to finally walk 😞

        • In the immediate wake of dday, my nowdeadcheater told me that men most want “to be admired” by their partner.

          I suggested that a good first step was him behaving in an admirable manner.

          • Right. Mine said he wanted to be treated like a rock star. The kids and I would be his groupies. And he said this in MC with a straight face.

          • Mine took the marriage counselor’s line of ” men need respect and women need love” . I said to him that respect is not for men alone. Women need respect too!

            I have a son and a daughter, they both want attention, to be admired , respected and loved. Why do cheaters think it is a one way street with these things? Sorry…we know why already.

            • It took a while, but I finally realized that it wasn’t possible for him to respect me.

              The reason was because he had no respect for himself.

              • Example = broken glass. In my opinion broken glass is way up on the “Urgent” scale, so high that only “bona fide emergency” is cause for briefly postponing a thorough sweeping job. In his opinion, broken glass is only a nuisance priority.

                Me: Why is there broken glass on the floor?
                Him: Oh. I knocked over a drinking glass. I should get the vacuum and sweep it up.
                He went back to surfing the internet.

                An hour later he went to bed. The broken glass was still on the floor. I cleaned it up myself. I’ve got an issue with broken glass, ever since I had a slice of glass embedded in the bottom of my foot for about 10 days. The last thing I needed was for THIS broken glass to get spread across the floor.

                Next evening:
                Him: Why did you do clean it up? I told you I’d do it.
                Me: Remember when I had the glass embedded my foot?
                Him: Well, all you had to do was avoid that part of the floor. I’d have gotten to it.

            • The only thing my XH respected about me was my salary. I was paying for everything, working full time, bringing up kids, doing all housework. He was working part time, holding swingers parties in local hotels, seeing hookers, inviting strangers into our home for sex whilst me and kids were at work/school and making sex videos of this secret sex life he was having. Me and the kids were a perfect cover. Everyone thought he was a family man!
              He would frequently push me to get more and more higher paid jobs so he could reduce his work hours even more – more time for sex partners!
              Yep, my salary was all he ever respected.
              So glad to be rid of this douchebag.

          • Unicornnomore, I thought ‘The Great I Am’ hung the moon, and I made no secret of that. Attention, praise, ‘listening ears’ – he had it all. Maybe too much – maybe it swelled his head so much he thought he was entitled to an intimate fan club of adoring groupies, all telling him how great he was.

  • I can’t believe that editors actually approve these types of shit-spewing articles, and just proves once again, DO NOT BELIEVE everything you read online. I believe I played the pick me dance for much longer because of this kind of deception promoted by the RIC. Victim-blaming and shaming the highest degree.

    Why couldn’t this husband be an adult and talk to his wife before the talked to the AP? Why couldn’t he ask his wife for a divorce before he embarked on an affair? Why? because that would take courage and maturity – both of which these lying cheaters have none of.

    Trust they suck, and fuck you, Lisa

  • Except they left off the end of the story. Emotional affair partner and ex spouse begin the grind of real life daily living. The excitement cools into a domestic dead zone. Emotional affair partner needs ex to stop leaving dishes in the sink and dirty underwear on the floor. Where did these four kids come from? You mean we have to take care of the offspring from the previous marriage? They are so needy and demanding! There’s no time for us! We both look so haggard and run down! Where did our 401k’s go? Ex starts looking for a new Emotional Affair support person – old EA lady starts checking his cell phone for suspicious calls. The cycle starts anew.
    Fade out…

    • Yup! Love it when they turn on each other. The narrative goes from “they rescued me from an awful marriage/family life” to “they took me away from a great life, great spouse & my wonderful kids”. They always have to place the blame anywhere but themselves.

      • Does this narrative really end up occurring. God I hope so. I have to admit that I’m having a really hard time these days reconciling the fact that my husband actually left me to be with the OW. He left just after Christmas, and I know that it’s just been a few months and that it’s still raw, but I’m going through bouts of anxiety. My husband is keeping her out of the kids’ lives for now. He’s also denying any real relationship with her when he speaks to his family. He’s not bringing her around any of his good friends yet (except one who was his enabler in the affair and that’s because he’s the only one without a wife that I am friends with).

        I wish for the relationship to end. If my husband wants to leave me, that’s fine. But, to leave for another woman whom he’s been with for over a year while I was in the fight of my life to save this marriage for nothing, is just devastating. Please let this relationship end, even if it means there is no marriage anyways. Let him be on his own, figure out his shit, even meet someone else down the road in a right way. At least then, I can feel that the woman might be a good person. However, there is no way I can ever feel good about this woman (or him for that matter under these circumstances).

        Doesn’t she wonder after 3.5 months why she hasn’t met any of his real friends? Hey, she waited a year during the affair and now he’s left me, so what’s the hold up? What is he telling her about his family, all of whom have made it very clear that they will never accept this woman if he is seeing her? His Facebook page is still full of pictures of us as a couple and our kids. Doesn’t she check it out and wonder why he hasn’t cleaned it out? Is she really that patient and understanding?

        I know I need to let it go. I know that there is no use dwelling. It’s been a bad week.

        • Abusers isolate. He is grooming her to expect very little.
          I get you on your preference that he get a fresh person. And he well might.

          Mine is very sneaky with his new person but it’s because he is running game on her.

          Fill your life with new things. Empty it of him. Build new good memories. Slow and steady.

          • Thank you for your reply. Slow and steady is key. However, I live in perpetual anxiety of the day that the OW is brought into my children’s lives. They are young. I’m sick of the bomb’s being dropped in our lives.

        • I felt like you a year ago. Alas, he is still with slutface schmoopie (their affair started about two years ago so I had hoped their relationship would be struggling by now). He waited a few months and then did eventually introduce her around to his family who are at least outwardly polite and he now has her hanging around the kids as well. He wanted everybody to meet her so they could see that she “Isn’t that bad”. I still have a hard time with this because in my opinion she is in fact “that bad”. She fucked somebody else’s husband and encouraged him to tear his family apart to benefit her. Good people don’t do that. I hate that she is still in his life and that their relationship has not yet imploded. Now he wants me to stop being “petty” and be cordial to her instead of avoiding her like the plague (which is as cordial as I can be). I would love for him to go find a different girlfriend (after breaking up with this one). I would be friendly to that one. Unfortunately, I don’t have any control over who he choses to fuck and unfortunately you don’t either. Maybe your STBX’s relationship with his schmoopie will crash or maybe it won’t. The bad news is that you don’t control that. The good news is that you don’t have to ever accept it or be ok with it to move forward and live a good life without the fuckwit in it no matter how desperately he clings to the POS who conspired with him to tear your family apart. The only thing you have to accept in order to move on is that he sucks.

          • Thank you for sharing your experience. It makes me ill that my STBX will defend this woman, claiming that she’s just a “really nice person who has only ever been a good friend to him.” He’s said to me that she’s a good person who has just made some poor decisions in her life. I think he just loves being a knight in shining armor for her, and I think that she’s easily influenced so he feels like a “man.” He left me because I was too strong, and I emasculated him. He told me that he needed to be with someone who wasn’t so strong. I guess he found that someone. However, she’s a mess. This is what I have learned:

            – Summer 2015: While still married to her husband, another woman writes a series of posts on cheating and homewrecking websites reporting the OW as sleeping with her boyfriend while married. Taking the boyfriend to her home while the husband was away and in the presence of their three children.

            – Winter 2015-2016: She claims that her and ex were separated but living in the same house in their own bedrooms. Claims that he was aware that she was seeing other people. But she also claims that he’s controlling. Makes her work part-time in his business. Meanwhile, she is drinking and partying. There is an incidence of her driving drunk with the children in the car.

            – Spring 2016: She attacks her husband when drunk. It was done in front of the children. She is arrested for assault and spends the night in jail. For the next four months, she is gone from the home (it’s put up for sale and sold). She is living no where in particular. I suspect that she took off somewhere with a man. The children stay with their father.

            – Fall 2016: Court date for assault charge. Charge dropped and peace bond for 12 months put in place. No contact with husband except through writing to discuss matters with the kids. Kids stay with father. She only sees them on Thursday evenings and every other weekend. She now back in town, has her own place and is steadily working. She is seeing an “alcohol advisor” (whatever that is) and attended anger management classes. She agrees to sign a legal separation agreement negotiated through a mediation service (although the agreement has never been filed in family law court so her access to her children was not court ordered but negotiated between her and ex). She meets my husband around this time, and he’s her sounding board for all her issues. He believes that this is all about a controlling, vengeful ex-husband who is now keeping her from her children.

            2017: Has affair with my husband. At first, he sleeps with her at her place and then comes home to me. She seems okay with that. Then, I find out about the relationship. Hubbie claims it’s only an emotional affair and starts MC with me. He stops seeing her but I later find out he kept up text communication. Through summer, he boomerangs in and of the marital home claiming that he feels anxiety at home, hasn’t been in love with me in a long time, revisionist history of entire marriage (even saying that he doesn’t know if he’s ever loved me), asking for time to figure himself out and crashes at a friend’s house, keeps asking for patience and forgiveness. In the meantime, he goes on dates with OW and even spends a weekend at her family’s cottage with her three children (misses our daughter’s birthday for this). He spends some nights at her place, and she even complains at some point that he treats her place like a hotel.

            Fall 2017: He tell her that he needs to leave her to figure himself out. Claims to me that he’s left her and made it very clear that he’s committed to working thing out with his wife. Claims that he told her that he hasn’t been fair to me as I’ve been working so hard to save the marriage and that there can be no future for them. He comes home wholly committed. But, creates a new email account and send her the first email to reconnect within two weeks of coming home. For three months, he sends her one longing email after another. She responds cautiously at first but then starts to join him in the longing conversations. They don’t see each other, but hubbie keeps her in the loop about how he is dismantling the marriage so that he leaves me because it’s what “he wants” as opposed to “leaving me for another woman.” That’s bullshit! Leaving me on his own would have meant not being in touch with her at all, having her not in the picture at all. She seems satisfied to wait in the wings until he’s properly left. He doesn’t know that I know about these emails. I’ve also shared some with his family members to they know the truth.

            Early 2018: Hubbie leaves just after Christmas. Has secured his own place. Spends new year’s eve with the OW after having paid her a visit the day after Christmas to officially reconnect. Within weeks, he is pretty much sleeping over at her house every night that he doesn’t have the kids. He’s paying for a townhouse that he can’t afford, not contributing anything financially to the kids or the marital home that is still shared. He figures that because I make more money and that we split the kids fairly evenly, that he doesn’t owe child support. They go from 1-100 miles an hour on their relationship. His emails to her over the final months of the year tell her that she’s the only person he has met in his life that he can be his real self with. Tells her that he never measured up to his “perfect” family and that he married a woman that he felt he was never enough for and so he’s been controlled by others his whole life. He explains that he fell so hard for her the moment he met her that he was initially worried he might be obsessed with her, but he now knows that by taking time away from her that it’s actually real love. She has yet to be introduced that anyone of significance in his life.

        • You can’t see it now because it’s too soon but you are going to be happy again. I know exactly how you feel about wanting the AP to go away and for there to be a new person in place. I used to want that too. But then I realized that my ex staying with the OW was actually protecting some unknowing good woman – the kind of person he doesn’t deserve. This helps me- to know that two characterless selfish assholes are coupled up. Meanwhile I’m at meh and I just don’t really care anymore because their lives and choices are not central to my life- they don’t matter to me. And they won’t matter to you either once you determine to make it so. It helped me to stop looking back at the pictures and asking the questions and being curious about what’s being said because those thoughts kept me from moving forward. Avoiding writing myself into his narritave and working on making my life so interesting that his story bored me to pieces was work that I not only found I enjoyed but it helped more than anything in “letting go”. It takes practice and it takes time but the hurt stops eventually. The cracks you feel in your heart create more space for the light to come in and the light illuminates and burns away all the shame and heartache. So hold on. There are better days – wonderful days- ahead.

          • I envy you having reached MEH. Have you got children? How does MEH get achieved when you share children who are exposed to this relationship with OW? It’s so contradictory to the value system in which the children have been raised.

          • I envy that you have achieved MEH. Do you share children? How does MEH get achieved knowing that the children are exposed to this OW and this immoral relationship? It’s so contradictory to the values in which they are being raised.

        • You are going through hell right now and I won’t lie to you it will not be easy for some time. However, you will get over it even though some days it won’t seem like that will ever happen. You are still in the early stages. Give your husband a wide berth……meaning no contact or very little. You need to be very clear, VERY CLEAR that he’s a piece of shit and the OW is a skank that deliberately set out to blow up your family. I don’t know how old your children are but I would let them know that their father is a disappointment and you wish they had a better father figure. Say it with kindness and little emotion. They need to know this is not acceptable. They also need to know the OW is a trouble making skank and unfortunately there are some nasty people in this world. Again try to state this with little emotion. To answer your question in regard to the cheaters ending up together and being miserable. All the couples that I know that left their spouses for the OW, the marriages failed. Some really blew up. The relationship was dysfunctional from the get go, hard to sustain dysfunction. I would say that less than two years in (could have been sooner) the cheater was miserable and wanted out. Some lasted a couple of years and two that I know of lasted 8 years and one over 10 years but only due to OWife hanging on for dear life. It’s a vicious cycle. On one hand it seems the cheater loves the drama and the excitement but when it wears off they are not happy. If the OWife is still in the drama phase or a crazy borderline (they live to break up homes) that gets old too. Then the financial ramifications become a reality and then comes the stress. When it wears off with the OWife they turn to their kids. Some kids are receptive and grateful to finally get the attention some kids are like, “piss off I can’t be bothered”. Again, I stress no contact and no emotion with your ex. Cheater & OW feed off the drama & your misery. It bonds them.

          • Thank you for excellent advice. I’ve gone as grey as possible. We have a young son with autism who has derailed since his father left. Now the kids are in family counselling and my son is starting ABA therapy again. My STBX is attending the family counselling sessions so I try to use that avenue to address issues. All conversation in person is strictly about the kids. Very little text/email except for business about the kids. I share absolutely nothing about what I’m up to in life. I ask nothing from him.

            Last night, we attended the last communion preparation meeting for our kids at our church. He tells me that he’s just been offered a permanent position at his job, something that typically takes people 4-5 years, while he has done it in 1.5 years. I offer him congratulations and nothing more.

            I keep all contact pleasant but limited. If he starts to share when he drops of the kids, I just say that’s nice and move him out the door to leave.

            I am still attending major family functions with his family because I am close to them, they still consider me family, and they are all in complete disagreement with what he has done. I ignore him at the functions and focus on having a good time with family members. They wish he wasn’t there.

        • Three years out now, and I STILL feel the same way about the OWife. If he had been open and honest with me about his desire to leave, then I would have been better about the whole thing.
          Instead, he chose to be a lying, cheating, stealing piece of shit

          • Do you have to maintain contact with him because of children? That’s the worst shit-sandwich of all, knowing that the kids are exposed to all that.

        • One of our Chumps here states that “water seeks its own level.” When Cheaters hook up with one another that’s exactly what happens. Fucktard X didn’t turn into a bad person over night. It happened over time, just like his affair. It was a million and one small crap decisions, and choosing his dick over family. As simple as that.

          • You got it! He certainly has not traded up in this affair relationship. What he thinks he’s found is an easier woman to manage, who isn’t very strong, is simpler. He can rule the roost with her so that he can feel better about himself. She is a desperate women who has been very understanding of his comings and goings. So, he sees that as much easier to work with, that she gets him.

            I let him know when he left that I will never understand how going to be with a weak woman is what it takes for him to feel like a man. He did not respond.

        • I know, in my case, that PoorMeBPD the OW had told Mr Cheaterpants that she expected them to lay low for a year, meeting out of the public eye, so that they could pretend that their affair had nothing to do with our breakup. They met through a mutual interest which has a very small community in our area, with everyone knowing everyone else, and she was afraid that her ‘reputation’ would be ruined if it got out what had happened, especially as she wanted to be able to use certain contacts of Mr Cheaterpants to further her cause in that community. She was totally self-serving, she didn’t give a fuck about blowing up our family, but was worried about how it would look to others and how that might affect her prospects. When Mr Cheaterpants told her that it was okay for me to talk to my friends for support (as if he really had a say) she threw an absolute tantrum, and he seemed very bewildered as she ripped a strip off him for risking her reputation. Even in the thick of DDay shenanigans that made me giggle.

          • As soon as we have settled our legal separation agreement, I have every intention of letting everyone know the truth about why he left. I will not let them get away with trying to sell their image to the world. It will be know that she is indeed an AP who was an interloper for over a year.

  • Bottom line is these people are not wired right.
    Their brain is NOT normal.
    And it never will be.
    They leave a path of destruction with their former wives, girlfriends, affair partners and especially for their own children.
    They truly do suck.

    • ^^^^ Wouldn’t it be great if more marriage therapists said this out right, tell you to get a divorce pronto, and then come back to see me as an individual therapist. Too many drag it out.

  • Complaining about your spouse is a pick-up line to cheaters. Someone here said that a few weeks back and they are so right! People need to understand how slime attracts fellow slime.

    • Yep. Huuuuuge red flag if a married/partnered person who’s attracted to your gender starts talking about what a shit their partner is.

    • That was the final straw. He admitted he told her that our marriage had been bad for a while (while sitting on the sofa I picked out for him in my house) That’s the only thing he actually ever apologized for but that was my cue to walk. It’s definitely the cheater pick up line

  • Ah, the old “feelings as justification”. I wish that strategy worked in every day life, think of all the pickles we could get ourself out of.

    “Excuse me judge, you can not hold me responsible for robbing that bank! I was feeling poor and wanted to feel rich. It was in fact the IRS’s failure to predict my need to be rich that is the real issue here.”

    “I had this need to be valued as an employee and my employer didn’t recognize it, so I took it upon myself to embezzle what I thought I was worth. It’s simply a matter of unmet needs.”

    “I tried communicating my unhappiness to my neighbor; his lack of attention to his fence was stirring feelings in me every time i looked at it. I sent smoke signals every day, and they went unread! Since my obvious communications were ignored, my only option was to bring the smoke signals closer, so I lit his house on fire.”

    “My other neighbor has a beautiful garden, that made me feel happy, but I had to walk all the way upstairs to have an unobstructed view of it – that was really too much work to do every day, so I took it upon myself to relocate it to a more convenient location… my back yard! Now I have a beautiful new garden and that old ugly fence is gone! #lifeisgood #sosorryyoumademedoit”

    This is literally the type of logic that this article uses. Which of course is NOT logic, but justification. I swear I’m living in a world where half the adults in it are mentally and morally 5 years old!

    “Virtue is debased by self-justification. ~ Voltaire

    “Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities” ~ Voltaire

  • Two words come to mind after reading each point: GROW UP!

    We all have feelings but as adults we make choices as to how to respond.

    Mature people don’t need validation to do the right thing. We may like validation but it is not a need.

    Mature people also counter feelings with empathy for the other’s feelings.

    She is promoting the ME centered universe. Mature adults do not need centrality.

    I feel angry right now, I have a choice with what to do with that. I choose to write my opinion here not keep it bottled up and then go plot with an outsider on getting Lisa fired from her job and laughing at her.

    • “Mature people also counter feelings with empathy for the other’s feelings.” – This. God knows I had to do this often in my marriage.

  • Anymore, I read this kind of stuff and laugh. Not at CL’s posts (which also make me laugh all the time, but in a good way) – but articles like this you see on places like HuffPo and Your Tango. Maybe it’s another confirmation that I’m at meh that my reaction to these articles is way more laughter than anger.

    While we’re at it though, when does somebody (other than CL) write an article on one of these sites directed at cheaters that says “7 Things That You Fucked Up by Having an Affair”:

    1) Your marriage and any possibility of an amicable relationship with your former spouse post-marriage
    2) Your children’s lives (they now live out of a suitcase)
    3) Your ability to see your children (best case scenario is you’ll now see them half as much as you did before for the rest of their childhoods)
    4) Your career (particularly if you slept with a COW)
    5) Yours and your spouse’s financial prosperity
    6) Your reputation (whether you want to realize it or not)
    7) Your ability to be taken seriously by anybody that knows about your affair

    • Great list. This is why I sometimes feel sorry for ex until I realize that 2, 3 and 5 affect me and the kids as well. For some 6 applies when the cheater launches a smear campaign. Number 4 can also affect the faithful spouse as it is hard to be productive at work when your life is suddenly thrown into turmoil.

  • Oh and i do believe the part about the ow suggesting he buy me flowers. But it was only as an attempt to further deceive me. It was all part of the fun of plotting and planning. And *that* is truly where things get evil. These people get off on deception and power. That is their “special connection.” Hurting others.

    • In my case Schmoopie evidently is the one who first suggested marriage counseling and even provided a reference for the MC that she and her husband had worked with a few years earlier. I have to say that MC doesn’t have a very good track record. Of course once ex actually tried to follow through on her suggestion she was hurt and upset and then made it her mission to make sure that it had no chance to succeed. “no way am I going to accept no contact”. Bitch.

  • As far as I know (yeah yeah), my ex only had an EA. He contends he never cheated at all, and I struggle with that, like that what happened or my perceptions are invalid. I know that if she was just a friend, he wouldn’t have ended our marriage 1 month after she moved back here, nor taken her out to one of the fanciest restaurants in town for her bday two weeks after saying we’re getting a divorce. Nor taken her to fancy events w/o telling me. But since I don’t think he banged her until that dinner, it feels like he has some sort of argument and I hate that.

    • Middle, looking at your timeline objectively I think it’s pretty clear he was cheating. Sex isn’t the defining factor that makes it cheating – having ANY inappropriate contact with someone – contact that requires you to sneak around and hide things from your spouse is cheating. I’m guessing that they had been inappropriately “in touch” for quite some time, which led her to move back to where you live and probably an ultimatum from her that he had to end your marriage before she’d screw him. See: Henry VIII and Anne Boleyn for historical context. He has absolutely no moral high ground so don’t give him any. What he did was wrong and you are better off without him, no matter how it seems at the moment.

      P.S. I have a very good friend I’ve known since high school who is male and married. His wife ALWAYS knows when I spend time with him. She has my email and my cell number. I use the same email and cell phone to contact him as the rest of the world. Everything is exactly the same as it is with any married female friend of mine. The last time I was in town (we live in different cities), my friend and I went out to dinner and he went with me to see a singer I like – with his wife’s blessing. I know this for sure because I stayed at their house. That is what it’s supposed to look like if you are really “just a friend” with someone who is married.

      • I have a very good male friend – he is married to another friend of mine – who is like my “brother from another mother”. He was my XH’s BFF for 20 years; BFF/wife lived in the same small town and went to the same church as XH and I did, he (with and without wife) was at our home often for impromptu conversation and/or meals, and vice versa.

        When XH dumped me for his married Howorker, BFF valiantly tried to convince XH that his decision to destroy our 40-year marriage was a huge (and ungodly) mistake and to come home, all to no avail. One night, 15 months into our 3-year separation and just 1 month after BFF officiated the wedding of our first son and his wife, XH invited BFF to join him for dinner “to talk”. But when BFF showed up at the restaurant, XH was on a date with Howorker; this ambush was supposed to be an opportunity for the two to meet and “become friends”… a chance for BFF to see exactly what a “great person“ Howorker was, and to “prove” that I was a far less superior specimen than she and that I had somehow “earned” being cheated on and dumped. That’s when BFF completely cut all ties with XH, but XH made it clear he didn’t care; apparently, their 20-year “bromance” was completely disposable.

        Flash forward 2 years… XH and I are now divorced, both BFF and I are Zero Contact with XH, XH and Howorker are still together, Howorker is divorcing her own husband of 40+ years (much to the chagrin of her 2 children and 6 grandchildren), and our second son is getting married, with the wedding to be officiated by none other than BFF. Incredibly awkward at first, but thanks to a very creative seating chart put together by my new DIL, I had a fantastic evening!

        I am happy to say that BFF and I continue with our friendship, all with his wife’s wholehearted consent and blessing. The thought of elevating our sister-brother relationship to the next level has NEVER come up; not only is there zero sexual attraction between us, but I know that BFF is completely devoted to his wife. BFF is a smart man… he knows his wife’s worth and I’m convinced he’d do anything to keep his marriage happy and healthy, especially after seeing what happened between me and XH. Smart men do exist!

        • That’s a GREAT story! It really is possible for normal, regular, non-disordered people to be friends with the opposite sex. It’s all about having and recognizing boundaries. As long as everything is open and above board there’s nothing to fear. When secrecy is involved you know there’s a problem.

    • My ex told me that it was only an EA. He drove 80 miles to meet her (meat her?) in a motel on a Friday, then did it again on Monday. Swears he didn’t have sex with her. My attorney told me that he and ex’s attorney laughed about it, they didn’t believe him for a nano-second. Actions speak louder than words. My ex had cheated in the past (when we were engaged) and he knew it was a deal breaker going forward. I was NOT going to be a marriage policewoman ever again. So when I found out about the motel 2 days after he first met her there, I took 3 days to get my ducks lined up (meanwhile he met her again) and I filed. Your ex has no argument. Just because you don’t have a picture of them banging doesn’t mean he didn’t, when everything else screams he did.

      • “She’s married!” he told me (but he also told me she was divorced). Also, they are *christians* guys.

        • “She’s married too … we would NEVER cross that line, Dixie!” says BAM with much indignation. I mean, how utterly crass I was to even suggest that either of the two morally upstanding (shitty) persons would even consider such a thing much less follow through! ha ha ha … their lies are completely transparent.

    • My husband had an emotional affair that blossomed into a ukulele playing, bad song writing date with destiny- where she became his muse, inspiration and super sexy girlfriend!
      They were able to sustain that fantasy for about one month- then the financial steamroller of divorce and the reality of what leaving their respective spouses and kids behind actually meant, blew their minds.
      Emotional affairs require the same boundary crossing techniques as physical ones.

    • He obviously had a plan that he was going to dump you for the “EA” OW. Maybe she refused sex until he was separated….who knows but they can dress it up all they want he’s a cheater and she’s an OW.

  • Well then. I guess I missed out! Being a guy who never did anything right, sex 4-6 times a year, kids always were first and I had no friends because she didn’t want me going anywhere. Even taking all that in to construction, I never had an emotional friend or any type of affair! It’s character and moral flaws that lead to adultery not the spouse!

    • that’s the crappiest part- when they get jealous that you give attention to the kid. My daughter and I are much happier now without Cheater Wife around.

  • That bit at the end tho…now don’t you go out and find your own little slice of happy on the side!! That would be wrong!!

    Omfg

  • This works if cheating was a marriage problem. She fails to address the fact that it is a character issue, and you can be a perfect mate and still not meet the needs of a cluster B disordered person. All she is doing is heaping stress and anxiety on the true victim.

    I know the one issue for me after 2 years divorced is the repeated abuse of society in regards to his affair. It must be my housekeeping, weight, listening skills and parenting skills that caused him to slelep around at work.

    The upside is that it has helped me grow some thicker skin and the desire to please myself and do what I feel is right in my life. Surround myself with people of the same values and ability to love as myself. I am working on being the best me!

    • “The repeated abuse of society in regards to his affair. It must be my housekeeping, weight, listening skills and parenting skills that caused him to sleep around at work.” This is a major point you got there, TBM. As if cluster B abuse were not enough, we’re revictimized even by our own families. But we’re Mighty!

  • God forbid that I get anywhere near “Newport Beach and Southern California Psychiatric Associates located in Laguna Niguel” where this dishonest Lisa Bahar quack has a “practice”.

    What a pompous ass. To thinks she gets paid to write this shit. What a waste of resources.

    Speaking of unmet needs, I am at the Vet with my old dog, aggressive cancer. The third dog in a row. Sparkledick was NEVER available for these situations. Not even when middle son (a human beings) was hospitalized in psychiatric clinic. Criticized all my decisions, but NEVER changed a dog diaper. Now I know why he was too busy.

    It’s much less work to look good than to be good.

    Fuck you Lisa Bahar.

  • Lisa, you’re an absolute turd! Guess you’ve never been betrayed, emotional or otherwise… How dare you blame the deceived spouse! Walk in our shoes for a while, bitch!!

  • The OW that gives marriage advice is a real phenomenon. They use the innocent bystander/good friend of the couple persona all the way to the alter.

    • I once read an article that described different kinds of OW. I recognized my husband’s other woman as the one that starts out as a friend who listens with empathy to the issues that man describes in his marriage. My husband’s OW even offered the information for the marriage counsellor that she and her ex-husband used. Somehow, he thought that made her a good person.

      That personality was called the “Manipulative.” She comes off as being a friend, even a social worker type who will help you save your marriage, however she does it to convince herself that she is a good person even though she’s desiring this man.

      But, I also think the OW is a “Desperate” woman. Although my husband thinks that she is the most desirable woman that is wanted by many men, my response has been that if she really had men lined up the door, then why did she want my husband? No offence (or maybe some offence) to him. But, why would any woman with options choose a married guy who boomerangs in and out of his marital home for a year? Who comes to you claiming he’s separated from his wife but is just carrying a few changes of clothes in a duffle bag and is treating your place like a hotel? Move on to greener pastures honey.

  • “What the emotional affair provided him: She was available and provided him company and a listening ear. This happens many times with those that travel.

    The result: She becomes his companion and he feels connected to someone that does not make demands on him. He may, given the circumstances, have her join him on a trip at some point.”

    Hahahahahahahahaha, oh boy…it’s nice to be at the point where I can read bullshit like this and laugh. The Edgar Suit traveled to a neighboring state once a month on business. We talked on the phone every day – texting, calls, emails every. fucking. day. And I mean fucking literally because he managed to bang a whole bunch of strippers between the calls, emails and texts to and from me. So yeah, those strippers provided him “companionship” and a “listening ear” while traveling – as long as he kept PAYING them with family funds. And Lisa darling, lest you think this is different because they weren’t “emotional affairs”, to his mind they were exactly that. They were his friends, don’tcha know. It wasn’t ALL about the thousands of dollars he paid them. Nosir. Bless your heart, Lisa. You are every bit as delusional as my ex. Probably for the same reason – you’re a disordered freak too.

  • GOOD ONES, LISA! Now can you rationalize why The Almighty He impregnated the affair partner while saying it was only an EA, then left her for a third lady, then tortured the third lady through the pregnancy and three year custody battle, all the while cheating on the third lady with the second lady?

    Because that shit kind of blows the chunks out of your “Unmet Needs of a Rational Sad Sausage Narrative.”

    It should be a law that every sanctimonious pundit who writes this shit about her AFFAIRPROOF BECAUSE marriage should also have to their spouses submit audited credit card statements with pesky massage parlor and Bunny Ranch charges annotated. The whole of Chump Nation is not keeping Ashley Madison and Sex Workers solvent. Some of their clientele is YOU, whether you know it or not. When the time comes, welcome to the tent, Lisa!

  • We only need one:

    What he felt: Self-pity and entitlement

    What the emotional affair provided him: A hole (or two or three)

    The result: Broken homes, STDs, heartbreak and financial insecurity

    The missing link in the marriage: The cheaters soul

    Any area in which the faithful partner may have been lacking, the cheater was equally lacking and the faithful partner was equally neglected, but only the cheater chose to deal with it in a selfish, cowardly and harmful way. Why go through the trouble to fix what’s broken when you can just throw your family off a cliff and run off into the sunset with Schmoopie.

  • Hmm, “Doctor Lisa” seems just a bit too familiar with all of the thoughts, feelings, behaviors and motivations of the Emotional Affair Partner for my liking. Me thinks she’s been one herself at least a time or 10, and continues to hone her skills (gotta love those sweet tips and tricks associated with daffodils!) with every marital counseling session she facilitates.

    Fuck you, Doctor Lisa.

  • Mine said to me on the phone, right after leaving the OW bed at the loveshack;
    “YES! I LOVE having SEX two times a day! AND she treats me like the ROCK STAR I am!!!”

    Apparently, wives need to treat husbands like rock stars now.

    • I heard a version of this. We should be each other’s FANTASIES. Which meant I needed yoga and laser hair removal and tattoos. I needed to wear thong underwear and dress sexier. Those were his NEEDS and I didn’t care about his needs. I used to worry they would have children together. Now I sort of hope for it. Let’s see if she’s still your fantasy after two kids asshole.

      • He demanded things like that but there was never any money left in the budget to even try. Had to have the newest phone and a brand new quad and be gone almost every weekend having his “me” time o.O

  • I think Lisa is just a failed dog trainer who decided to apply her skills to couples therapy.

    The cheater for her is simply an innocent untrained puppy who poops on the carpet. What else would he do? He wasn’t given enough positive associations with controlling bodily functions by his adult human spouse.

    She lays all her interpretations, directions and responsibilities for whatever bad behavior exists upon the human owner – because it would be ridiculous to expect a puppy to train itself.

    • when I read it I thought the same thing. It seemed like the cheater was some sort of pet that needed to be fed and patted on the head.

    • I think I might have hired her as a dog trainer a few years back. I had this women who was supposed to be a great dog trainer (recommended by a friend of a friend) come to my house to help me train my two new puppies. In our first session she told me that I needed to keep the puppies separated as much as possible because otherwise they would grow to love each other and become attached and would be sad when one of them died. Uh…………. So, should I apply that logic to the other members of my family as well?? Okay thanks. I will get back to you about scheduling another session (not). Sounds like the same kind of logic ol’ Lisa would apply.

  • @Lisa, I hope you are familiar with cognitive dissonance, being a family therapist. I hope you do know what you are echoing here are the cognitive dissonant responses of men and woman who cheated that were given as justification to their betrayed spouses, and not really reasons that actually had any value other than to soothe the cheaters’ conscience? If not, please leave your license at the door and leave.

  • You can’t make this shit up.

    “Cathy W. Meyer, Founding Editor: Cathy is one of the leading divorce experts in the US, a digital content manager for The New York Times, and she covers all aspects of the divorce process for About.com. She is widely published in national digital publications including the Huffington Post. She works individually with clients and is a Master Certified Relationship Coach and certified Marriage Educator.”

    Well, it’s no wonder she lets, nay, ENCOURAGES craptacular articles like the one written by Lisa.

    • Those sound like made-up things. They are virtual credentials. And she writes her own craptacular bio. That ain’t a thing.

    • Certified by whom? The National Society for the Preservation of Entitled Narcissists? The American Foundation for Victim Blaming? Or maybe the Council for Non-Ethical Marital Advancement?

      When can we expect a diet supplement powder from one of these snake oil therapists to sprinkle over the cheater’s power protein smoothie that will magically eliminate their desire to stray? Seems like someone is missing a huge business opportunity. It needs to have a catchy name though.

      • I believe it’s been traditionally called “Salt Peter”. It doesn’t fix their real issues, though.

  • > he felt inadequate

    I had the weirdest conversation where someone told me I, as a professional woman, had a low chance of a good relationship because (intentionally or not), having my act together, demanding equality in the relationship, and being independent emasculated my partners. They didn’t feel needed because I am handy. They didn’t feel like “the man” of the house because I make more money. So… I am supposed to feign helplessness and take a pay cut so he can be “winning” the relationship? I’m supposed to do all the chores to maintain my feminine mystique? No thank you!! It seems to me that the sort of fragile ego that needs to be the man of the house, that wants a damsel in distress to feel powerful, is the exactly the sort of person you want to protect yourself against.

      • This may be true – maybe not once we fix our picker? I don’t know. I was slaying at life and in the relationship when he derailed. Boggled my mind. I was helping him edit an entrepreneurial endeavor and offering him my health insurance while I was doing my own thing making twice as much while getting more fit and looking hotter. Not good. Gotta find someone on your level not because you’re a snob, but because you need to be with someone who is secure in themselves and their integrity. I’m ready to stay single for a while if this is what slim pickens means. I’m jealous of the women of younger generations who I think will have a lot more thoughtful, evolved men to choose from.

    • Hey, not all men are like that. My XW is smart, successful and confident and I loved her for it. Apparently, though, she decided that I didn’t really love her because I didn’t wasn’t jealous of the men she met at conferences (little did I know!); her latest version of the divorce narrative is that it’s my fault that I filed for divorce when she told me the marriage was over and – shocker – I believed her.

      I would love to meet a woman who is well-traveled, well-read, accomplished and professional, … and not churning with cognitive dissonance because her career path conflicts with her upbringing.

    • A low chance for a good relationship? WTF?!? A woman who can describe herself this way moves to the TOP of my list with bonus points for being handy. I wished XW and I could have taken on house projects together. I enjoy them. Instead, I was given three hours max on a Saturday because by then she was “too tired of watching the kids,” and she wanted me to go out and pick up something for dinner. Ugh. Why wouldn’t a man want a woman who can confidently live her life and own HER happiness, and vice versa? Ah, maybe one day I will find such a partner.

  • I just read the comments on the original article – hardly anyone is defending that steaming pile of crap. Hurray! We are mighty, Chump Nation, and we ARE changing the narrative about infidelity.

    Even though I know ex’s cheating was not my fault, articles like this make me second-guess myself. It’s victim-blaming, pure and simple. Lisa should have her therapy license revoked.

    • Yes. I know this article is crap, but it does bring me back to the immediate aftermath of DDAy. This article describes my ex’s perception of what happened to a T, right down to the marital advice from Schmoopie and most likely the ultimatum as well. At the time I did blame myself until some supportive friends and relatives helped me to see through the BS. Seeing articles like this backing up ex’s position are hard to take. It is a good thing we have CL to UBT it for us so that I know it’s still bullshit even if it is coming from an independent 3rd party. I also wonder if ex was reading shit like this in order to find ways to justify his behavior as his reasoning seems to be so similar.

  • It took two supportive friends to talk me off the ledge after reading this article this morning. My husband is moving out May 1, Dday was 01/21/18, with a year of awful treatment and gaslighting before. The AP is a coworker, a direct report to him actually. The article is exactly what happened, he said she was there for him when he felt unappreciated. 22 years married with 3 kids, 20, 17 and 14.
    But, I slept last night, he hasn’t in weeks. I’m keeping the house, he is moving to a shitty townhouse. I exercised today, his legs and back hurt too bad to even walk. He has no friends and a worthless family, I have 3 sisters, family and the most supportive friends ever. He is a miserable bastard who will be alone, the kids and I are going to be fine. And I am going to see Pink in concert tonight with my beautiful daughter. All thanks to CL!

    • May 1st is a good day (ask me how I know)…and I am wishing you and your children the very best. You are on a difficult but rewarding journey…grieve but always keep moving forward! The biggest surprise after my divorce/long term marriage was going on vacation with my young adults. We have so much fun together (with the disordered not so much) and we prioritize spending time together. Don’t allow your stbx’s crap narrative to be the truth—-Unappreciated, my ass! Many of our cheaters defend crap choices with crap justifications, their brains must be mush trying to come up with all the ways we failed them! Lol

  • When I went full Chump and was sitting on the floor at Barnes and Nobles bookstore without about 8 affair books sprawled all over the floor I ate this kind of junk up. My brain was in full tornado mode. I was drowning- desperate to understand. Looking back now I wonder if the people who spew this drivel would still believe the stuff they write if THEY were to be cheated on. Going through the betrayal (which is really a massive scam perpetrated against the spouse) changes your perspective.

  • I think Lisa Bahar is a “mental health professional “ in DIRE need of a mental health professional. When Dday hit I had always believed that you did whatever was humanly possible to save your marriage. It is a commitment worth saving. Two years post divorce, with no fog blocking my view, I have a hard time understanding how people can actually give advice like this. I would never tell anyone that maybe its your fault your spouse is a fucktwit asshole! How arrogant and selfish and self righteous of her! The only positive thing I can say is her article gave me a good laugh for the day!

  • One thing that I have realized is that almost ALL of the cheaters think that the endorphin rush you get when starting a new romance equals love.

    That endorphin rush wears off after a couple of years and if you aren’t disordered develops into true love which is a million times deeper than the rush of early romance. But the cheaters aren’t capable of that because their depth is an inch deep !!
    Thus when they say that the “love is gone” they aren’t talking about love, they are talking about the endorphin rush which they think is love. This is why so many of them jump from relationship to relationship because when the endorphin rush ends, so does their “love”.

  • All boils down to NOT buying into skein or yarn sellers. There is no “affair proofing” a marriage.

    No one can blame you for another’s actions, no more than you can blame others for your choices. Something of value, some sort of family identity SHOULD have developed between spouses that SHOULD have been more valuable than strange crotch.

    Even if it formed for the chump, this bond did not fully form for the cheater, and there is not. one. thing. you can do to make this happen in another person.

  • How can the emotion affair “provide” a decision to use burner numbers?

    Does Lisa know what the word “provide” means?

    Reminds me of old Slick Willy, saying that it depends on what the definition of “is” is.

    When you have to reinvent the meaning of words, you’re either lying or doing your best to muddy the waters.

    • I tried, twice.

      But my comments have yet to appear. I bet they shut those down, given 99% called out the entire article as a munch of blame-shifting BS.

  • I have no problem wishing upon my worst enemy terrible suffering. So in the spirit of this, I cheerfully wish someday that the author of this article goes through the horrific pain of betrayal and its plethora of unique stabs to the soul. I’d be interested in reading her sequel.

  • Can you just IMAGINE what it would be like to get to your marriage counseling session that you made post DDay and have the therapist tell you that – guess what? Your cheater spouse sucks. You did absolutely nothing wrong, he/she has no morals or respect for you. He/she is a spineless waste of a person. Move on. That would be so awesome, but wouldn’t make the RIC machine any money.

    Shortly following DDay I headed a support group for betrayed spouses in my area. I was in desperate need of a support group, knew that I wasn’t the only person to have a cheating spouse, and figured what the hell, I’ll start one myself. (All I did was head up a local chapter of a national affair support group that will remain nameless). Anyway, the amount of women that attended the meetings had all been cheated on, lied to, many were gas lighted, terrorized, and almost all were going to marriage counseling to “save” the marriage. I was the ONLY woman leaving my ex. The only one. I think that I managed to hold meetings for 6 months in the hopes that I could help someone (and maybe I did, who knows) but I had to shut that shit down. There is no excuse for abuse, for neglect, for contempt, for disrespect, for lying, for treating your spouse like a maid, an accessory, a piece of furniture. These women were being told that they contributed to the affair. Bullshit.

    It’s time to change the narrative and there are enough of us on here to do it. Thanks to CL we are talking and spreading the word about putting an end to the bullshit.

    Stay mighty!!!!

    • My counsellor did. She said I do not recommend you reconcile with him. He is a serial cheater and in her experience they don’t change. I went and cried to my Mother in Law because at that stage I was still in love with a figment of my imagination she looked at me horrified and said Of course you can’t take him back! He’s been doing this for years. This is her only son but even she didn’t want me to.

  • Reading this garbage from dear Lisa, tells me I should have had 1,000 of EA! Darn, that train has now left the station! Toot, toot!

  • Damn that sketchy cell phone service….cheater would always turn off his phone when he was with OW and when he was called on it he swore it was sketchy cell phone service…in the DC area no doubt…wow didn’t realize it was a problem nationwide…
    What a piece of hurtful garbage…

  • I hate to say this, Lisa is pretty spot on. I believe that my ex-husband and his AP thought all of these things. The fact that Lisa can pinpoint these thoughts leads me to believe she was a cheater herself. The huge problem with her ramblings is she fails to acknowledge that the non-cheating partner also experiences unhappiness and displeasure during the course of marriage AND THEY DO NOT CHEAT!

    The truth is cheaters cheat because the opportunity presents itself and they give themselves permission to do so. It is that simple. Nothing a spouse does or doesn’t do plays any significant role in the cheating. But there is no salacious article to be written about the real reasons!

  • It is very troubling that a state, even CA, gave this woman a liscense to counsel people. She is incredibly toxic with her ‘blame the victim’ worldview and I feel very badly for anyone who was further damaged by contact with her.

  • I’m surprised she didn’t tell me to get plastic surgery so I can look like the 21yr old that ex wanted to be with. Ugh
    Babysitter OW and ex spent hours upon hours late into the night “planning” my 50th birthday party and then I was told I was ungrateful to both of them. Ass still doesn’t get that him spending so many hours with her wasn’t worth the 2 hour party. The whole planning thing was a ruse to spend time together without me!

  • My 7 Reasons Your Spouse Left You for the Affair Partner:

    1. He never meant his marriage vows in the first place.
    2. He sees his kids as competition for his spouse’s attention and resents her for it.
    3. He likes a triangle. Or a quadrangle. Or any kind of polygon.
    4. He needs to be central in every context. Two women doubles the centrality kibbles.
    5. His mask has an expiration date and it’s time for a partner who will be dazzled by the mask.
    6. The affair partner has something he can use to bolster his image or temporarily fill the black hole at his core: money, youth, no encumbrances, 40DDs, social connections, etc.
    7. The affair partner enables his addictions or his perversions: she’s a drinking partner, a drug abuse partner, a Class A enabler of addicts, a compulsive gambler or spender. She’s tolerant of infidelity, unemployment, indifferent parenting, hypocrisy, porn, body odor, habitual lying, physical abuse gaslighting and/or manipulation.

    I used the male pronoun here and presumed opposite gender marriage but this applies for female cheaters and same-sex partners, too.

  • I read Lisa’s article twice. The thing i find odd is that she is supposedly a member of the mental health profession but she throws out all these littel scenarios and then analyzes the situation. Not one time does she even suggest that some of this could be symptoms of cluster B, narcissistic personality disorders. These disorders are accepted by the main stream mental health field but yet she takes scenarios which clearly show the cheater being selfish, self centered and narcissistic and totally ignores these possibilities. One time she mentions that maybe a couple should seek marriage counseling. I don’t understand why someone with the credentials she claims to possess could be so narrow minded and frankly just so stupid

  • Someone needs to send Lisa a Strunk & White…or send her to an 8th grade English class. She cannot craft a sentence worth shit. Does anyone else smell her personal journal as an EA turned turd-winner?

  • Hey guess what asshole I WANT TO BE DESIRED TOO. And I didn’t go out letting some other asshole persuade me that he was just the guy to fill that desire you stupid jerk!

    These articles piss me off! It always assumes the wife doesn’t want to be heard or desired or made to feel important. You know what one gets as good as one gives!

    Whatever, probably written by an OW

  • Lisa meet the Limited.

    These are the things I have under my belt. It might surprise you to know the things a woman with integrity actually do with their time.

    My son and I planted a garden and grew tomatoes. As an adult he volunteered as a Gardner. He started his own business as a Gardner while in college.

    Dad had a drink named after him.

    A young girl sat everyday after school waiting for her mother to arrive. Her father died and she feared something might happen to her working mom. I sat with her every day with my own children until mom arrived.

    She’s a nurse. Thirty years later she embraced and thanked me for my kindness when I was visiting my nan at a nursing home.

    He took my two young daughters to OW’S houses after school to fuck women as my children played with her kids.

    The list goes on and on Lisa. So a giant sized FUCK YOU from women in general as we have much more to offer than satisfying the unsatisfied, communicating with liars, and propping up the inadequate.

  • Cheater stbx had affair after affair
    First one within one year of marriage
    Co worker then
    Unknown then
    Hometown hoes
    One with my friend
    Back to unknown
    Dot
    And most likely more that I didn’t know about or don’t know about now
    Separated after 34 years.
    Girls don’t let this be you.
    Lisa knows shit about what she’s talking about.

  • OMG, I couldn’t even get through Lisa’s article, it was so full of blame-the-victim b.s. It seems like it was written by someone who’s obviously been the “other woman” in relationships and has bought, hook, line and sinker, the male point of view of how he’s the innocent victim to his wife’s inadequacies and imagined abuses. In the meantime, she’s at home, raising the kids and trying to hold things together, while he’s out, planting his flag on new territory.

  • I can’t wait for an article that actually puts the responsibility of the affair into the hands of the cheater. Will there ever be an article that says that screwing around on your spouse is not the way to a happy marriage. I am so tired of reading how the cheater’s needs were not being met, so they must cheat. HELL, my needs weren’t being met either!! I was too freaking busy in the pick me dance and trying to meet all of his needs. This is so frustrating, thank God for this blog and the sanity it has.

  • I’m sorry I didn’t get to read comments prior to my head exploding.

    The thing that drives me nuts about cheaters (among a lot of things about cheaters). is the absolute need for recognition.

    I don’t think people need to humble themselves and disavow all praise, but come on! This article, like Friday’s challenge, is all about eating the SHIT SANDWICH.

    Thank you for doing the dishes…
    Thank you for making dinner..
    …doing laundry
    …parenting

    Not once – NOT ONCE – did I ever get a thank you for putting dinner on the table. Or a thank you for showing my LOVE through maintaining a clean home, stocked fridge. Nothing for PARENTING educated, well-mannered children.

    I got fucking Pandora® bracelet charms – picked out from my kids – because any originality was too great an effort.

    Fuck this. Why do I have to acknowledge every little bit of humanity. Seriously?

    Deficiencies? How about pathetic, entitled pathological liar.

    Anyone starting this journey – when ANYONE tells you the reason for THEIR deficient their behavior is YOU, step back and consider whether you’re holding a gun to their head. If not, RUN!

  • Probably already been commented on, but the 7 Reasons article is terribly structured and based on shoddy thinking. The author is not even setting out seven reasons (not that there are any justifiable ones anyway) that someone may choose to embark on the path of cheaterhood, but instead looks at the way in which cheaters further enmesh/justify their behaviour to themselves as they float further and further down the river of shittiness. I might call this the seven steps to exploding your family or something like that, as at any time the person could have had a come to Jesus moment and realised what they were doing and chose not to, but instead they just seem to choose the most obviously bad not to mention bad choice and go with that – some kind of bullshit pick-a-path where they choose the road to certain primary relationship doom. Also, I bet you anything the author is a cheater, she seems to know the playbook like the back of her entitled hand.

  • Best quote ever: “I still love you…but I’m not in love with you.” I should make this into a shirt, I’d sell thousands on this group alone. Muahahaha

  • It’s a really strange article you’re linking because on the one hand it seems to understand how the emotional affair progresses, and portrays the wayward spouse as lazy and selfish and unwilling to talk to his spouse honestly… and on the other hand it completely blows off the wayward spouse’s active choices as if they didn’t matter and acts like if the betrayed spouse just gets friendlier, somehow the marriage will fix itself.

    And they’re not ‘reasons’. They’re steps. They’re a progression. If they stripped out the victim-blaming and just told it as a story of how a marriage can fall apart under the guise of ‘just friends’, it would be an okay article.

    As it is, it’s terribly written and just doesn’t make any sense!

    Also hi, I’m the emotional-affair-only Other Woman. Yes, we do exist. Yes, men do leave their wives for people they were not sleeping with. No, we never had any sort of inappropriate physical contact while he was married. And I never offered advice on ‘pleasing’ his wife because that would be gross and obviously none of my business!

    • > I’m the emotional-affair-only Other Woman. Yes, we do exist.

      Why are you coming to a support board for people reeling from infidelity, chirping that you’re the other woman? Even without sex, you knew there were lines being crossed well before he left her for you. That was okay for you?

      Maybe the user name you should have selected is EWW.

    • Every minute of the emotional affair, you are stealing time from the spouse and the kids. You and the cheater rob the spouse of his or her right to make choices based on the actual facts of the situation. And finally, when people marry, that’s not just sexual intimacy. Marriage is based on allowing another person to know your deepest hopes, deepest fears, deepest joys and pain. When the cheater shares that confidential information with an AP, it’s a betrayal at the deepest level. You get no pass from me for not having sex.

      • Not looking for a pass, but I had to admit my past status in order to prove my point, since otherwise if I claimed that sometimes they really aren’t having sex, people might accuse me of having blinders on or being in denial.

        So yeah, fact-check. Sometimes they really aren’t sleeping together. And the fact that no sex is involved doesn’t mean it’s not a problem.

        • What are you hoping to get from this site? Are you coming to gloat? To smirk? To minimize? “Oh, well, your daughter’s life is destroyed but at least she’ll have fodder for a book if she wants to be a writer?”

          Or did your guy cheat on you after leaving his wife for you?

  • Check out this possible antidote to Lisa’s shit blameshifting crap:

    http://nashlinks.com/midlife

    Honestly don’t know who wrote this, and it’s got its share of spelling and grammar errors, but it’s a great, therapeutic and humorous take-down of the clickbait out there like Lisa’s article.

    • yes I have seen this one many times before. It is hilarious. I first came across it when I thought my ex was having a mid life crisis (Actually I still think that, I just don’t think it excuses anything). I now think this piece pretty well sums up the actions of any cheater mid life or not.

  • “Women, don’t leave your men alone with daffodils and total strangers who care deeply about your marital satisfaction. He might associate good feelings with daffodils. Or strangers. Or mailboxes. Anyway, the world is a psychedelic kaleidoscope of sensory stimulation. He could bond at any moment. Remain vigilant.”

    This sums it up. The difference between my fuckwit X and me is that my character will not allow me to strike up deep, meaningful conversations with co-workers, old boyfriends, men I meet in bars and such, or on 1-900-Speedos. I realized that marriage is permanent and I need to attend to it and work on it and protect it by never allowing another man to wedge himself between us. I work in an industry of 99% men and I could have had any number of emotional attachments, especially considering how I was ignored at home. I was accused of such folly a few times which of course was his projecting and trying to get me to be the one to blow up.

    Fuckwit trolled for adventure and bonded with everyone else but me (he was too busy devaluing me down to appliance status to spare me any if his precious thoughts). He did not protect the marriage. He buttered up his hands and held the relationship high above a crevasse and then blamed me when the marriage slipped away. Instead of holding on tight he distracted himself with chatty drinks after work with such understanding and non-demanding sorts such as the twit Lisa. He then had to build his list of resentments and invent some crimes that I could be guilty of so he didn’t have to admit he chose this. Well, let the Lisas of the world clean his shit stained underwear from now on.

    Once again it is all about character. It would never occur to me to allow someone else so close to me to risk entanglement. For cheaters, they are like chum in the water, baiting the whole world for someone to come take a bite.

  • 7 Possible Reasons This Bitch Wrote The Article

    1) She’s an OW
    2) She’s a cheater
    3) She’s an attention whore
    4) She’s an Esther Perel groupie
    5) She’s bat shit crazy
    6) She’s never been betrayed
    7) She’s a miserable c***

  • Just…. fucking….wow…. especially #2.
    This advice makes no sense. Half the time, betrayed spouse is unaware of any issues or even the happening of the “emotional affair,” so for them, to try and intercept it, with extra communication, sex and marriage counseling, is futile.
    Puuh-lease! Mother fuckers just looking for strange and thrills of not being caught.
    Can’t wait until my ex cheater and his current A.P. turned wife have these ‘missing links’ in their marriage. God forbid she make any demands.
    Fuck this stupid bitch who wrote this article.

  • The missing link in the marriage is to shoot those EA partners and their extremely devious scheming too. These types know exactly what they are doing, they are career mate poachers.

    • Kiwi, I totally agree, and I know from your story that the AP seemed to be almost gleeful about undermining you. My husband’s AP was very well aware of our family situation (first child was a newborn) and didn’t give a crap. She spent her time running down my mothering/partnering skills and encouraging Cheaterpants to do the same. She felt totally justified and comfortable with inserting herself into another person’s marriage, saying how much better she would be treating him. I was a firsttime mother struggling with PND, breastfeeding, the whole shebang and sure I was being a shitty bitch, but I was totally tapped out not to mention angry and bewildered as to why Mr Cheaterpants was acting angry, distant disrespectful and contrary. It’s because she was feeding his sense of entitlement/discontent. I have since found out that’s her thing though, she likes to turn people against each other behind each other’s back’s, so nobody talks to each other and puts two and two together about how she operates.

  • My H(Who I am still with at the moment) told me that it was a distraction from day to day life that at that time had issues (his mum dying, business issues) I had these issues too but didn’t sit churning out love poetry and recording and then singing it onto CD. He said that it was nice to have chats and texting that were not full of negative stuff. To be honest I would have found a one night non emotional stand easier to forgive.

  • I would just like to know when, exactly, I was supposed to be enrolling us in couples’ counseling she suggests in points 5 & 6 above when I didn’t even know WTF was going on? Somehow, I guess, it was my responsibility to get out of the path of the oncoming speeding train though I didn’t seen it coming and was nowhere near the tracks.

    Again, it’s always the chumps’ fault, as these cheaters are so meek and hopeless. — Spineless bastards (& bitches), all of them. Willing to cower behind the skirts of these “experts” who explain away all their sins with no recriminations on their own behaviours.

  • My ex-affair partner picked his wife the day she learned of our five year affair when she gave him an ultimatum of either her or me. If he decided to leave to be with his affair partner, that’s his choice. You don’t own your husband. Stop treating him like he did something wrong.

  • $160 a week. In cash. For a year. I’m more mad at ‘Lisa’ than I am at my ex or the schmoopie. I was such a chump and she was my hopium den. I also paid for his career counseling and for his psychologist. He skipped most of the meetings (work is so busy), but they continued to charge me anyway. $1,200 in no show charges. Money that could have been better spent on a divorce lawyer, or a forensic IT specialist, or a college fund for the kids, or moving out of state.

  • Just friends and AP is only trying to help me be better with you is classic cheater bullshit. Apparently it helps both the cheater and the AP feel good about themselves.

  • Hello Chump Lady,

    Another excellent article put through the UBT.

    So this is a couple of days late, but I found myself on the Divorced Moms website reading Lisa Behar’s profile. There was an article in the sidebar from the Good Men Project that had an extremely peculiar title. The title of the article was so strange I had to read it a couple of times. Here is the title on an article:

    “4 Powerful Exercises That Make a Toxic Relationship Healthy”

    Okay, maybe I am missing something, but I am pretty sure that concept is a GIANT oxymoron. This giant oxymoron is so enormous it could fill the Grand Canyon itself.

    I shuddered when I read that article title for several reasons:

    1) As far as I know, there is NO WAY to make a toxic relationship healthy. Just like there is no way to make pesticide-laden, GMO food healthy. Such food is poisoned at the level of the manipulated DNA.

    2) Why would anyone with any self-esteem want to stay long enough to even attempt to make a toxic relationship healthy (which cannot be done in the first place.) Think about Sisyphus and the eternal action of pushing that boulder up the hill, only to have said boulder roll down again– it is the original exercise in futility.

    3) If there is any hope of maybe possibly making a toxic relationship a little bit healthier, it would take YEARS of therapy and lots of self-awareness on the parts of both parties. There would not be a list of 4 things a couple can do to magically transform the dung pile of a relationship into a refreshing key lime pie. Life does not work that way.

    4) If a fair-minded person actually attempted to carry out the exercises on the list with a character disordered partner, that fair-minded person has just provided someone with a character disorder a lifetime of dirt and sensitive topics on a silver platter. A fair-minded person has just given someone such as a sociopath all the details they need to carry out the biggest mindfuck that particular sociopath has ever accomplished.

    Chump Lady, I would really like to see you put this article through the UBT. The scenarios I am coming up with in my mind are really dangerous for anyone who is honest, caring and who lives their life with integrity. Here is the link. Have at it if you have time. Frankly, my head is spinning because I just don’t even know where to begin:

    “4 Powerful Exercises That Make a Toxic Relationship Healthy”

    https://divorcedmoms.com/make-a-toxic-relationship-healthy/

    • I’d also add about divorced moms that every time I UBT one of their articles, the person who runs the place gets pissed and makes copyright threats. Which is nuts because commentary and satire are fair use. Now she’s “reporting it to Google.” Well, best of luck with that. (My husband is an attorney, so I sent her the case law… which I don’t think she appreciated.)

      • Hi Chump Lady,

        First off, yes and yes to numbers 5 & 6.

        I love, love, love that you sent the person who runs divorced moms the case law on commentary, satire, and fair use. And it is terrific that your husband is an attorney so that you can grab one of his books (or go online) and remind people of what “actually is” versus “what they want.”(Although I am convinced even if your husband was not an attorney, you could 100% make the very same case on your own.) Divorced moms may not “want” you to use your knowledge and intellect to piece apart their articles that offer UNhelpful advice, but that does not change the fact that your speech and writing is protected.

        Reporting you to Google?

        Come on now. This is not high school. This is not HS where one petty girl goes after another girl for questioning what the petty girl is doing/saying to others. Then the petty girl goes to Head Popular Girl and demands Head Popular girl to “unfriend” the girl who was questioning what petty girl was doing and to freeze the questioning girl out of the social circle.

        On a serious note: I would really like for you to write a different article, for a magazine perhaps, that is not affair related, and details what happens in real life where one writer questions the advice of another writer. When/if the writer who does not like being questioned appeals to the search/engine company that could ruin the writer (who is questioning advice), things become scary. I would imagine that Google is basically being asked (maybe subtly and maybe not) to do something that is not in the best interests of your site or you as a writer. As you already know, this becomes a First Amendment issue pretty immediately. If the person who runs divorced moms gets traction with Google over your site, that affects ALL of us writers, no matter what we are writing about.

        I understand that Google recently took all kinds of sites off-line (such as Gab) that were deemed “hate speech.” Well, people who don’t suck don’t support true hate speech or the alt-right. (That is, no one in their right mind thinks it is okay to host sites where there is racial baiting and inciting of racial hatred.) So, I understand that.

        But, what if Google decided to take down sites where they simply did not agree with the message of the site.

        For example, Sergey Brin did some horrible things to his wife, Anne Wojcicki, when he enthusiastically ran into the arms of a much younger employee/woman. Yeah, he got too wealthy and too famous and the fuckwit within– the fuckwit that was waiting in the wings– revealed itself. I sure hope that Sergey spent many nights awake during the period of time when Anne was seriously dating Alex Rodriguez. I hope he spent hours wondering how how measured up to Alex and I am not talking just about finances. And I hope he thought about how Anne was enjoying all the enormous things that Alex “had to offer.”

        Anyhow, I would really, really like to know if divorced moms gets any traction with Google because we get into First Amendment violations. It will be scary if hosting sites and/or search engines start arbitrarily deciding “I don’t like that opinion and so I will ensure that opinion does not get represented by taking the site off my search engine/hosting.”

        It becomes “1984” only it plays out in a different way than Orwell had imaged.

        We need your site online because you are not afraid to tell The Truth in ways that a lot of cheaters and “affair apologists” do not want to hear it. If this thing with Google gains traction, things get scary. This thing with Google greatly concerns me as a writer in general so please send me email updates IF you have the time. The email I leave on your site is my personal email/real name etc. (But, please keep to yourself.) 🙂 Thank you. I don’t like lurking on people’s sites and so I leave my personal contact info for the site owner. (Also, maybe I will take this article on about toxic relationships later.)

        Many blessings and stand your ground!

        Sarah

  • Wow, whoever wrote this article sounds like they can’t look at anything objectively at all and are just bitter. First of all, I know the article in question – I don’t agree with 100% of it and it’s certainly not suggesting those are the only reasons someone may leave you, but she makes a lot of valid, REAL points. Sometimes a person has an affair because they’re selfish and uncaring. Other times it happens over time, it’s not planned, suddenly you’re in love with someone, someone else becomes your sanctuary against your will. In those situations, in an ideal world, you’d leave your spouse because it’s obvious you aren’t happy with them if your happiness is from another person, but it’s not that easy.

    I can’t tell you how many men and women feel completely trapped in their marriages – be it children, feeling guilted by their spouse due to medical reasons or mental health reasons, worrying their spouse may attempt and be successful at ruining their career, and some saying flat out “I can’t afford to pay alimony, child support and to start a life over somewhere. I can’t afford a divorce and my wife has told me she’d sue for alimony.”

    Whether you believe it or not, there are valid reasons a person enters into an EA that may or may not lead to leaving their spouse. Those reasons listed in the article do exist and she’s also giving advice on how to potentially identify and fix them. Stop being such a twat.

  • >