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UBT: I Will Return with a Fuller Love

There’s nothing like a good serving of cake to make cheaters really appreciate their chumps.

Shana submitted this gem to the Universal Bullshit Translator and says it was from an exchange of emails with her husband as he worked overseas. She asked him:

“Are you seeing someone, having sex, etc.?”

“I really appreciate the courage and strength it took for you to ask me this directly. I love you and respect you too much to lie to you even though this will hurt. Yes, I have met someone here that is important to me, and I have been together with her. The details of it really don’t matter. What matters is that I will return to you and the girls with a fuller love for you than I had when I left. You know how deeply I love the girls and how important it is for me to be in their lives. That hasn’t changed. I also still love you and it’s important to me to be in your life.”

Now to fire up the UBT…

I really appreciate the courage and strength it took for you to ask me this directly.

Busted! Fuck.

I really appreciate the courage and strength it takes for you to keep being my chump.

 I love you and respect you too much to lie to you even though this will hurt.

But I don’t love and respect you enough to not cheat on you. Really Shana, the problem here is the truth. You insist on damaging honesty, even though you KNOW those mean, ugly words take courage and strength to hear and will hurt you with their polysyllabic cadences. I blame adverbs, participles, and the Oxford comma.

Yes, I have met someone here that is important to me, and I have been together with her.

And can you fault “togetherness”?

The details of it really don’t matter.

I don’t care to tell you the details. Like if I endangered your health in any way, or got an Important Person pregnant. Such trivialities, like your basic well-being, really don’t matter.

What matters is that I will return to you and the girls with a fuller love for you than I had when I left.

What matters is my entitlement. What matters is that I return to YOU! and the kids! My primary source of kibbles! Aren’t you the lucky ones to win the wonderfulness that is ME? Sure, I may fuck around with Important People I Just Met, but I always come home to you! With deeper wells of bullshit and mindfuckery than before.

My love is fuller. Riper! It swells like a fetid pustule on my ass and bursts only for YOU.

You know how deeply I love the girls and how important it is for me to be in their lives.

You know how deeply I hate consequences and how important it is for me to avoid them. I love being in our children’s lives so much that I work overseas and fuck around on their mother. #fullerkindoflove

That hasn’t changed.

I’m still a douchebag.

I also still love you and it’s important to me to be in your life.

As an aside, I still love you how you are of use to me! It doesn’t matter if you don’t want me in your life, it’s all about what’s important to ME.

I didn’t say you are important to me. (Like the OW is Important To Me.) I said having you in MY LIFE is important to me. Doing stuff like raising my progeny, folding my underwear, and swapping out the AC filters. I need a chump so I can attend to the important work of ME-ness. You wouldn’t want to fuck that up, would you?

****

Shana? Fuck that up.

This UBT ran previously. The UBT is taking a nap today. Blog odometer flipped 19 million yesterday. That’s a LOT of bullshit. 

 

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Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
    • Yasssss! Fuck that shit up!!

      Seeing as this UBT ran previously, I would love to know what Shana ended up doing? Did she fuck that shit up? I hope you did, Shana! I left mine overseas with his “important person” (karaoke bar girl half his age) and haven’t looked back since leaving him at the airport!

      I highly recommend letting losers like this live out their expat fantasies while you move on and gain a life without them. They don’t get anywhere! I know of so many old, lonely expat men living over there who fucked up their families by cheating with locals – and were left by their wives and children. And now they have empty lives! Were used up by the shmoopie until they had nothing left, then the schmoopie dumped them for a fresher expat with money.

      What goes around, comes around. I firmly believe in karma 🙌🏼

  • Oh Shana, your pitiful little question is just no comparison to my marvelous word salad reply. When will you ever learn not to question my superior self?

    I just lost my appetite.

    • I sometimes get the feeling that these types of people have genuinely forgotten how to speak without lapsing into word salad. Direct communication is a skill that requires constant practice.

      • Not only that but I think that they believe their word salads. Normal people shake their heads at the absurdity and to them it makes sense and is valid.

    • This made me think of the times I’ve made an ugly cake. Oh shit what to do? Usually I tap powdered sugar on it and then I feel better. This cheating scumbag mother f-er just tapped powdered sugar on Shana and I’m appalled.
      This guy is shameless and condescending and I hate him. If I could lift the house and move it to another location i would find much pleasure in him returning to an empty dirt lot.

      • Classic shit sandwich.

        This guy sounds like HR explaining to a long term employee why they were passed over for promotion and how GREAT that is for their career.

        OMG. Shana take that job and shove it!

        • This!!! It’s the same as saying just bend over and let me screw you over. But it’s good for you.

    • Exactly. The Narcissism just oozes from this guy and his reply. And, this type of disorder is extremely common among cheaters.
      I am sure we all have our own examples and stories.
      Mine was, when I inquired why my XW felt it was okay to leave me caring for the boys night after night like this: “Of course I get more time out than you. I have more friends (i.e. multiple affair partners) than you.
      See it is not just the crazy absurd response this guy gives , the whole, essentially ” you should be grateful that you still have any access to me” type of deal. It is the fact that this NPD is so warped (as they all are), that saying something like this does not even register with him as a clear sign that he is a raging NPD.
      I mean what person, with any type of normal intelligence could issue such a response unless the intelligence ( and many are reasonably intelligent) was overridden or nullified by such intense NPD tendencies?
      My XW graduated magna cum laude from law school, receiving training that is supposed to , at least, give one some type of decent sense of justice and fair play ( lawyer jokes aside). Yet, despite the fact that even someone with no training or less intelligence could , immediately, spot how absurd her “logic “justifying taking more time out was, she could not see it.
      The man who wrote this response to his wife above, is severely NPD.

      • Before we even had kids ex would often go out with his work buddies on Friday nights leaving me home alone. When I complained about that his response was “You need to make more friends”. Never mind that the people I worked with at the time were all older and had families to get home to.

  • Congrats on the blog odometer reading, CL! Shana, if you’re still around, we’d love to hear how you’re doing.

  • Ah, yes! The affair that results in a “deeper love” in the marriage. It’s similar to the “affairs make marriages stronger” line, but it’s spoken directly by the cheater instead of by the RIC.

    My XW claimed this one–that she was getting us to a “deeper” love by “being herself.”

    It’s strange how I learned that her love (and her character) were actually SHALLOWER when she started cheating, not “deeper.”

    I admit, though, that I saw her “being herself,” and “who she truly was.” And it was fucking disgusting.

    • Cheater Wife on Dday: “This will make our marriage stronger”

      These people are warped and DANGEROUS in every way

      • JC, you could have quoted my cheater. He was becoming his more “authentic” self by admitting his double life to me. He claimed to discover he was “polyamorous”, but that it was OK, because, you know, he loved me, too. And Schmoopie. And other women. This man has NO idea what “love” means. He equates crushes with “love”, yes, even celebrity crushes!! He has said, “I fell in love with (jazz singer)”, even though they had never met, never communicated, etc. He is like an 11 year-old girl.

        He also towed the RIC line that our marriage could be made even better (!) post affair, especially if I would allow him to continue being polyamorous. Nevermind I didn’t agree to that, nevermind I insisted on fidelity being part of our vows and he agreed to it. I guess it never occurred to him that we would age, our bodies would change, there would be illnesses, children.

        At this point, 18 months out from DDay, he has not been in contact with Schmoopie (that I know of), is distressed I don’t just cheerfully trust him like I did before, but has been working harder than I have ever seen around our house. Perhaps his own version of the “pick me” dance, since he is unemployed, and he knows I am on the fence.

        • Ivyleaguechump
          Run away. Kick him out. His good behavior is temporary. You’re not poly amorous. He sounds like three year old. You want an adult.Get off the fence. You deserve more.

        • Ivy,
          I got 2 years of my X working hard – did all cooking and all grocery shopping. He is financially dependent on me and he wanted to prove to me he could be a good husband. He focused solely on impression management and I almost fell for it. Once you are alert though, you see the signs. Please don’t stay with someone who is like an 11-year-old girl and thinks you should cheerfully trust him. Once you kick him out he will probably be like my X; blaming me for ruining his life, telling everyone how bitter and unforgiving I am, and cashing my alimony checks every month. Please please please don’t waste your time with this loser.

          • Mine lasted 18 months. Then it all went right back to where it was. He also admitted after dday#2 that it was all bullshit to keep me from divorcing him and he hated it all. But for 18 months he had me totally conned.

            • Its hard for us to imagine that someone could be so fake and manipulative. It changes your view of the world forever.

          • The concept of ANYONE paying support TO THE CHEATER really riles me up! The legislation needs to change!! In a business partnership you would never have to pay the embezzler or one who breached the contact support after the dissolution!! I am very happy the narrative on cheating is changing thanks to chumps, Tracy, and this blog… but the next step should be the courts changing how this is handled. It’s asinine when you break it down and think logically.

            • Spousal support statutes vary. In some states a cheating spouse is not entitled to spousal support.

              • For me it doesn’t matter who is male vs female just cheater vs chump… I think the cheater shouldn’t get support. Full stop. If they’re unemployed, too f-ing bad; you shouldn’t have breached a contact then. The unromantic fact of marriage (in the eyes of the state) is that it is a contract. You get a licence, sign the agreement, you can dissolve that contract at any time. But if the contract is breached, I just don’t think the cheater should get alimony. I am in a no-fault state (and I’m obviously bitter about that – ha!) and I found it appalling the I had no recourse for his breach of contract, threatening my health, and my 2 fetus’ health all those years. I married a total con-man man who chumped me from the first date through 20 years of marriage with a secret double life. I walked away from a lot I was due even in my lame state financially because I was so afraid of him. I wish I’d had the strength or support to get police and lawyers involved, but I had to live through this with no family and I was terrified. Once the real story started to unravel he flipped and I literally had my life threatened. So I signed off on a terrible settlement drawn up by some awful mediator he choose. (That’s a whole other can of worms story–The one mediation session was in his house with his cats literally walking around on the kitchen table we were all sitting at (mediating in the same room.) I am also severely allergic to cats by the way. Said “mediator” “worked the formula” (his words) to get to the dollar amount X wanted to pay for child support by inserting a line item deduction for child support to a child from another marriage who does not exist (!) because that was the only way to reduce the state’s formula. After I saw that’s what I was up against I just signed a horrible agreement because I wasn’t going to live through the process. I was being bullied, he was drunk constantly, wouldn’t leave the house, threatening me… Anyway, I digress–but I’ll tell you what, if I’d been the primary bread winner rather than the SAHM I was and had to pay him on top of all that I’d have lost my mind.

                You chumps who write a monthly check to the person who lied, deceived you and exposed you to diseases sure have my respect for not strangling your cheater! I just can’t imagine…

            • I think it’s ok. I make way more and cheater could dwindle me to nothing. It’s for the fairness of society, and protects some of our crew here just as much as it costs some of us. That same legislation protects the SAHM or less eligible for employment or the diminished salaries parents take to ensure they can work around kids lives, the legislation is there and it’s ok. If a well paid chump is on the hook a few years for support to a narc, and all they have to do is pay… put no contact in the divorce decree and count yourself as lucky. That’s still winning. To help the other chumps I want that really equitable law. The desire to not pay them when they have been leeching for years? Sure if you can get it that’s great but realistically if all it costs is money you’re laughing.

              • Creative rational – yes, I agree. The laws are in place and protect SAHMs – it’s too bad the laws don’t benefit me in this case, but those are good laws. My X is SO angry he didn’t get more and tells people I ruined him financially. (My kids are LIVID that he doesn’t work and lives off the alimony – so I am grateful for that…)

                He is suffering socially because of the alimony since many many people think men who live off their X wives are total losers. I’m just happy to be done with him and moving on in my life 🙂

              • I will also have to pay alimony to my cheater, but I’m alright with that because that’s all she will get. She doesn’t get me and all I did for her, the family, and the home. I know she’s red-hot pissed that I’m not her ever helpful and smoothing-over-the-rough-edges-of-life chump anymore.

              • That’s bat shit bonkers.

                It goes against every concept of fairness, equity,clean hands and common sense decency.

                Is wildly cataclysmically different from a stay at home mother receiving support after she forgot a career to raise children and keep up a household which I might add is two full-time jobs.

                A man who is using marital funds to fund extramarital affair’s -then to be able to force the Duped chump to pay for his affairs and finance his amoratily would drive someone to homicide.

                If I was on the jury I would aquit them every time. Every time.

                Just when you thinks all the chumps are on the same wavelength you read comments like that and realize that there is no bottom to the well of human stupidity.

              • Well, thanks. Good thing we are all here to build each other up. Courts have nothing to do with decency. If you have a forensic accountant and can prove the costs, fill your boots. You do you. Even CL had to figure out where her line of ‘this is sunk costs and I would rather be out than keep fighting for ‘justice’ or ‘fair’. My thought is it will never be fair. Some people will never get enough to fix it, there’s no monetary win that will undo the damage. So. Work on Tuesday. Work on Meh. The courts are there to take your marital assets and figure out where a line is and split them down the middle- or you negotiate with dangling Schmoopie, kids, whatever you need to to get out with a good agreement. They are about splitting by the law to how you agree together to settle. The court isn’t here to make you feel better. They are here to cut the baby in half.

              • Well, unfortunately it’s not illegal for a man to lie to his wife about his sexual exploits. It’s not illegal to be a total asshole. When you’ve been married for 20 years and you get divorced, there will be a “fair” division of assets. It all depends on the state you live in. I actually got a pretty good deal because he did not get any of my commercial real estate. Judges follow the law and that’s just life. And yes, a SAHM will benefit from these laws which helps me not get so angry over the unfairness of my paying alimony. But I bet most of the male chumps here pay their X’s alimony – it’s just we are more used to seeing men pay women. Nope, not fair.

          • i also got 2 years of work out of wasband after his first affair (that i caught).. .. .

            only to have him leave me and telling anyone who would listen that he had to do everything and i did nothing. he did all the cooking and cleaning (completely not true).. .. poor little sad baby.. .. apparently he was working 6 JOBS too, so we could have all this meaning the house, yard, cars, 4 wheelers, pool jet skis, boats, (only he did not work 6 jobs and we used MY money to buy all that because he was always broke) i never say a dime out his paycheck. if i was lucky he would pay the water or electricity, and weekly groceries.

            he made me look like i was lazy and i did not treat HIM right when it was really the other way around.. .. i am also getting the blaming me for ruining his life, telling everyone how bitter and unforgiving I am, how it is ALL my fault and i am “keeping” him from seeing his boys.. ..

              • I kindof feel like that’s why I compartmentalizations it. Money is money, and cheating is cheating and fair has no spot in the discussion. You don’t get paid or not have to pay because you were the good spouse who had morals. The money is about dividing the marital assets and it really sucks. But if they start awarding based on how you performed as a spouse… it’s playing the pick me dance with the court too. It’s needing to have a report card for every year ‘I did this for valentine’s and here’s where I pulled all this marital weight and here’s where I did Christmas dinner with his family and they are terrible and…” and they will pull out their list of “here’s how they wronged me so it’s legit I cheated or I still am owed monies or I shoul owe less”… just not worth it. Get angry and get out. By the way Arnold I love all your comments.

        • It bugs me to no end when I read about a cheater explaining away his awfulness with definitions of self (polyamorous). Unless you knew that going in, he decided to LIE to you. Confessing your proclivities after the fact is pointless.

        • Ivyleague, I always read your comments, and I’ve been following your saga with interest.

          Do you know what ‘working harder around the house than ever before’ means to a cheater?

          Credit in the cheating bank. It helps to inflate their sense of entitlement to secret jollies (‘I have been so damn good lately!’), and it also helps to fuel their resentment of you (‘Who does Ivyleague think she is?’)

          Put these two together, and it’s only a matter of time before he cheats again.

          And this time, it will go one of two ways:

          1) He will have a very secret affair this time, with someone regular, with a burner phone, code words, alibis out the wazoo, because he’s learned from his previous mistakes – but not in the way you hoped.

          2) He will simply lash out one day on a spree and go to a massage parlour or strip joint or whatever, and then guess whose fault it will be? YOURS, Ivyleague, for being such a meanie to him, and making him work round the house, and not trusting him.

          I hope you are lining up your financial ducks, getting copies of everything, and keeping them in a safe place. When the balloon goes up, I hope this time you leave him.

          We are all on your side, believe me.

          • The cognitive dissonance it must take to read Chump Lady daily and then go be a wife to a known cheater is very odd to me.

            A hint is in the screen name. …..*ivy league chump * . I don’t care if she went to clodhopper community college.

            This is not a fun thought but you have to accept that some people like to be victims. If you are posting every day on CL and you digest all of the stories, you know how this is going to end. Not well.

            I think your word use of saga is correct and you can extrapolate that what you will.

            • “Like to be victims” what a nasty and cruel thing to say.

              No one in their right mind asks to be cheated on, used or abused in whatever way.
              What you should realize is everyone moves at their own pace, walks through their own hellfire and brimstone when their time comes and their mind and body can bear the burden.
              “Hope dies last” is the only true thing about loving a narc. Whether the 1st dday or the 7th, she’ll deal with it at her own pace. Some kick fuckers to the curb after discovering a hotel slip, some go through the rigamarole of ric and believing (hoping) they can repair the marriage because their biggest asset – and biggest fault! – is loving and compassion.
              I’ve seen many a people here say “i could have overlooked 1 instance of cheating IF the rest were ok and the work done”.
              Don’t you dare cast a pebble.

        • IvyLeague, I just did a double take. When I read your first couple of paragraphs I thought you stole an earlier post from me and reposted it as your own. Why would you do that? “Authentic self”, polyamorous, stepping up his husbandry game, yep. All my story.

          But your ending differed from mine. My wreckonciliation lasted 3 years. And it ended just as CN would have predicted: a flaming shit sandwich of cake eating topped with a nauseating bitch cookie of an offer to stay together in an open marriage where he could be free to explore his new-found interest in kink with other sex partners. Luckily I had leveraged a postnup out of the wreckonciliation, so at least when I declined his offer, I didn’t have to pay spousal support to that underearning asshole.

          It is now 1.5 yrs past separation, we are divorced and sharing custody. The “Trust that they suck” advice holds up. His capacity for duplicity, entitlement, and depravity is far worse than I could have imagined. This is the person I waited to find and marry? This is the man I chose to be the father of my children?

          He has already stopped paying any of the kids’ expenses; he is orchestrating consensual non consensual gangbangs of one of his “long term” partners; bringing a second “potential long term partner” home to his mom and my kids (this one’s into knife play) for overnight visits; and trying to keep a third partner under his spell to meet his other needs; all while pretending to be Super Awesome dad to impress others.

          When he posts threatening ‘erotica’ online about torturing and raping his ex and leaving her for dead on a deserted stretch of road, is he talking about me?

          Please, if you didn’t steal my story, Ivy League, then please feel free to steal my alternate ending: you hire an attorney, a PI, and a forensic computer specialist behind his back; secretly get your ducks in a row, and move to another state.

        • Tell him you’ve decided to date and then you’ll see exactly how polyamorous he is.

          I’ve been in a poly/open relationship for years, we started this way, we negotiated boundaries and comfort levels over the years. (Including things like how often we get tested for STI’s and what forms of protection MUST be used).

          I see this nonsense all the time, a guy will ooooh and aaaww over how my partner can sleep with/date whoever he wants, until he tells them that I am free to do the same…. Suddenly, the life style isn’t so appealing.

      • Same…mine kept saying…this will make us stronger. We know what you have to fix. ME….what I need to fix……fucker

  • The good news is this will make it SO easy for the divorce attorney you’re consulting today.

  • “It’s important to me to be in your life”. I notice that he doesn’t define what he means … just leaves that door EIDE open. I got a similar line and was so confused. I spent days (really? It was only days? Seems like MONTHS now that I look back) trying to figure out what that meant. Still with me as your wife? Your buddy? Co-parent?? His every single action was put under a microscope. (He asked me if I wanted coffee too, he’s thinking about me!! My marriage has HOPE!!). Pffft.

    Do NOT play this game. Do not let him string this shit out. You are worth more than the Pick Me dance. He already chose someone other than you, and you need to respect yourself and your kids way more than wastimg time showing him how awesome you all are. He doesn’t care, and obviously missed that. Serve him with divorce papers & be on your way to a new & happy life. It takes time, but I am boggled by the shit I put up with right before dday.

    • “It’s important for me to be in your life”
      Translation: I definitely need to continue having a Mommie who takes care of everything, so that I can go out into the world and be my wonderful self. These Things Just Happen.
      An assumption that you have no needs, no reaction, no response, no LIFE
      My response….
      Fuckoff

    • I got the same line, Triumphafterterror!!

      My then-wife was using it to try to re-define my role: from increasingly-woke husband hurt-and-pisses at her cheating…to compliant husband cool with being a cuckold. Because I get to “be a part of” her life, and she’s so fucking sparkley that I should be totally thrilled to have my role in our marriage unilaterally redefined and reduced BY HER!!

      Fail.

    • I got that line too! i took it as HOPE! HOPE! Ugh. It wasn’t hope, it was cake for him and misery for me.

  • Ah, Spring arrives, and with it a lovely example of why No Contact is the path to the truth and the light.
    Breathe in the cheater free air, deeply scented by authenticity and mightyness. No mindfuck or manipulation added.
    Doesn’t that feel good?

    • AllOutOfKibble –
      I am an avid disciple of your NC as the way, truth, and light. It has been paramount in my recovery and I can’t thank you enough. I am struggling with the last 20% of NC on the road to meh… not taking a peek at the very little public, online presence I am able to access. I actively need to go out of my way to find this info but I slip and fall in to this hole once every few weeks. It doesn’t feel good. It never feels good. I know this. I know this before I even click “search”. But I do it anyways. I know this is a “ouch, that hurts? don’t do it” scenario but any other words of wisdom or tips to stop this snooping would be appreciated.

      • I slipped with NC yesterday. Why did I do it? It only upsets me in the end.

        Ex blocks and unblocks me on FB all the time before I can block him. And then tries to Hoover me. Yesterday it was about “mail”. I had mail. I haven’t lived with him in a year and changed my address on everything important….what could it be.

        His ex wife contacted me a few weeks ago because he was asking HER to give him my phone # as he changed phones and was too stupid to change his SIM card over. She wouldn’t give it to him and warned me.

        But yesterday he msgd me on a FB that i had mail and to call him.

        ME: Nice try. Take a picture of the mail and I’ll see if I want it.

        HIM: oh, I just realized I threw it out, it was coupons for fallsview casino. They come every m9nth…. do you want them?

        Me: no.

        I should never have broken no contact. It always sets me back.

        • Next time, you will be stronger.

          I like to play it as a game with myself, and I get rewards when I don’t break No Contact.

          Let’s see just how I can get round this, without making any contact? Oh, look! Here’s a sneaky way to avoid contacting him altogether!

        • Chumpedincanada….. you can block someone who has blocked you on Facebook. …..it’s just their name (lowercase letters) with @facebook.com after their name ….had to do this with my ex for the same reason….it works I checked by doing it with one of my kids accounts (I blocked myself on kids account first to check) ….I had googled and this was the answer I found at that time.

      • Reset your “Days of No Contact” counter and forgive yourself.
        It takes a lot of retraining your brain to change your habits.
        People always ask how to stop thinking about their cheater. I suggest making lists. Every time you think of the cheater you train your brain to think of you. Refocus the energy, attention and process on you.

        Keep lists such as
        – Places I want to go
        – Traits I want to have
        – things I want to do
        – Skills I want to learn

        Keep the lists handy. Every time you think of your cheater you have to add two things to your lists. Hopefully you will stop thinking of your cheater and in the process Learn to focus on you and what you want. Many times we have spent years making our needs so small in our relationships with these disordered folks that we leave the relationship having no idea who we are, or who we want to become or what we want to do with our lives. I find the lists help shape that and can provide us with goals and dreams. Good luck with your new and exciting life.

  • I do like it when jackasses put it in writing, though. I know most states don’t care if a partner cheated, and even those with an alienation of affection law don’t apply it with any kind of frequency, but it does make it simpler when you can just hit “Forward” and send the evidence on to anyone who doubts your reason for leaving the marriage, especially if the jackass changes the tune in a few months and claims you misunderstood or “I never said that” or something else inane.

    • I was under the impression that the military frowned on this behavior? That would be a great message to forward to someone during negotiations .

      • Based on my experience in the military, I don’t think that the military generally if ever cares about punishing people for affairs and related/similar behavior. I observed some heroic behavior and a lot of awful. Wha IOT.. great behavior wasn’t always lauded and awful behavior wasn’t always criticized.

    • I used his admittance of cheating as a great negotiation tool for our mediation to determine the division of assets and spousal support.

  • Methinks Shana has been groomed for this for quite awhile. This is just the deployment of the Stage II rocket booster as cheater hurtles to escape velocity.

    Since this article ran previously – I wonder what happened with Shana? Anyone know any updates?

  • This is the sort of crap that deserves total silence. Zero response. Simply use the idiot’s absence to line up your ducks so he returns to the organized plan of his removal from the marriage and household.

    Or, better yet, he receives his removal from the marriage overseas in f-buddyland and arrives home to his removal from the household.

    “Here are the keys to the storage unit that contains your things. It’s paid through the end of the month. You’re welcome.”

  • CN is now the size of Malawi, a small country in Africa, and heading towards Romania.

    A sad but powerful stat.

    Hopefully people are buying books!

    • Hummm! Good way of looking at this TallOne!

      And we are bigger than a lot of powerful European countries (The Netherlands and Belgium for starters) .

      And I think our “economy” may be healthier than theirs….

  • Yeah, Shana, I’m fucking important to me, Schmoopie, for you and the kids! It will make our trauma bond, I mean love, stronger! Yes, the truth hurts. Bwahahahaha. Ala Elton, “cry in the night if it helps.”

  • The “my happiness” mindfuck! I wonder if Esther is his personal life coach!

    I also noticed he was very careful not to use the wording “sex, intercourse, adultery, affair, etc.” One thing I learned from the mindfucking manipulator; use non specific language that can be turned back around on the other person.

    “I never said I committed adultery, I said I met someone that is important to me, and I have been together with her. We are together all the time, like when we play cards together, or eat in the mess hall, while protecting this great country of ours. Judge I’m sorry she misinterpreted what I was saying, but that’s not my fault. The fault lies in her assumptions. I needed support while I was away protecting our freedoms, and you know, she just isn’t supportive of me. I’m the victim of an unloving spouse who doesn’t appreciate my sacrifice.”

    I’ve learned over the last 18 years to immediately pick up on non-specific phrasing that can be defended by the “interpretation argument.” Thats what living with a gas lighter will teach you!

  • Inside the mind of cheater goop. Do they believe their own stories? Mine did. Whether they believe their rationalizations and justifications is not as important as to why you would put up with someone that sees the world through their own lens for their own jollies. It doesn’t really matter the ‘why’s’ of how they could do this and/or blame you for it. It only matters that they can do this. Is this acceptable to you? It took me 2 Ddays with 2 known schmoopies, 2 suspicious secretaries, and his porn/stripper addiction to realize he is not a man I want in my life as a spouse. As I type it, it’s clear he was shit. As I was living it, it wasn’t as clear. He seemed to have good qualities too. The balance on the scales shifted with the latest underground schmoopie and I realized it was my chance at freedom from a fuckwit.

    He’s overseas getting his jollies and he thinks you’re sitting around being a good little wife appliance? Get those ducks lined up at once! Let him see how much stronger his lil thang is for you! It made you strong enough to realize you deserve so much more out of life than being married to a fuckwit!!

  • WOW, 19 million. That IS indeed a LOT of bullshit. But then we have a lot of light for all that dark pile of shit. Thank you Tracy and congratulations. Great Chump Nation!

    “You know how deeply I hate consequences and how important it is for me to avoid them. I love being in our children’s lives so much that I work overseas and fuck around on their mother. #fullerkindoflove”

    I got the same crap that results in this UBT output.
    Cheater was either never around when our kids were in trouble because he was “foresighting” across the globe or, when he WAS around, he made things worse to look good and make me look bad. Of all his shit, that is what I hate most about him.

    I have worked hard to reverse this, still have one of three sons to reverse, the most vulnerable one due to Asperger’s. D-day resulted because cheater invited this vulnerable son on a camping trip to his favorite national park and, the creep being so god-damn entitled, he showed up there with flatterfuck and her FOUR kids from THREE different men (I was out of the country working). My son felt so humiliated, he said he realized that his dad thought he was mentally incapacitated. The xh treats this son just like he treats pigeons: patronizes him to look good in the picture.

    • Oh dear God.
      That is beyond horrendous.
      My DD with exh2/The Evil One is Autistic. He took DD around OWhore and her kids and family. I knew it because DD came home from his weekend with painted fingernails. I was livid.
      I can relate so we’ll to your experiences.

  • The totally fucked up ex has a cousin. The cousin was working for the world bank and traveling a lot. The cousin just like the asshat is a total narcissist. One day he came home from Africa and ex-wife no1 had taken all the furniture and the three kids and moved out. Best action ever. His second ex wife took him to the cleaners. These narcs do not deserve on iota of consideration.

    • Good for them!!!
      I agree, narcissists don’t deserve consideration nor sensitivity. Especially cheating narcs.

    • Years ago one of my girlfriends was not married to – but living with a cheating narc. It took me a week, but I finally convinced her to move all her things out of the house and back to her parent’s house. He owned the townhouse but 95% of eberything in it was hers.

      I helped her clean out everything. We both took the day off of work and cleaned the place out. I thought this would really be a huge shock to him when he came home at the end of the day to a home with a sofa, a plant, the bed, and some silverware. NO TV, dining room table, literally bare-bones…

      Anyway, around 7:30 pm he called her to ask her why she was late and where was she. HE DIDN’T EVEN NOTICE THE EMPTY HOUSE. Totally self-absorbed I guess…it was weird.

  • “As an aside, I still love you (how you are of use to me)! It doesn’t matter if you don’t want me in your life, it’s all about what’s important to ME.”

    ^^^^^ THIS ^^^^^

    After my XH of 40 years left to be with Someone Really Important, I stupidly asked him if he missed me. He said he missed all the things I used to do for him. Head slap! Like Shana, I guess that included raising his progeny (triplets), folding his underwear (skid marks redacted), and swapping out the air filters.

    Oh, how I wish I’d known about Chump Nation and the UBT when I was going through his cake hustle. But at least I know about them now! And as I look back on all of the self-serving drivel that came out of him, I gave so much clarity.

    • i am so so sorry you went thru that… .. .. but i really appreciate your comment.

      i have often wondered if wasband ever really missed me. it did not seem like he missed me even a single day. he literally went from my bed to her bed. and seemed to just forget all about me. i gave him 15.5 years. it meant nothing at all to him.. .. he never drove past my house, he has never once tried to call or text me or even just talk to me. we have talked a few times only because my foolish self reached out to him (like after he attempted suicide in 2016.) and even then he never apologized, never explained anything, never told his side of the story.. .. i have been divorced for 4 years and i have no clue what his side of the story is.. . besides saying i complained too much and i did not treat him right.

      i sometimes try to fool myself into thinking he really did not want a divorce. or he just did not think i would let him go. … after all i actually got on my knees and begged him not to leave the first time i found out about his cheating. he also thinks that it is not cheating if we are “broken up”.. .(even thou we are married and cant technically break up) or separated.. ..

      but even once in a while i will wonder if wasband ever misses me.. ..
      your comment has made me realize what his answer would most probably be if he was honest and if he was talking to me.. haha

  • They get super manic and love the smell of their own brand, y’know? And then the condescension just pours out of them, because you should know how lucky you are that they still care about little you.

    • I still remember ex-boyfriend telling me, ‘I love you,’ half an hour (?) after he coldly told me that he didn’t see me on his future.(30 years after we met). The ‘I love you’ fel like a little plastic trinket thrown into a goodie bag at a kid’s birthday party for his class–a completely impersonal afterthought. (‘Maybe I won’t look so cheap.’ He would add, ‘I’m not happy. I want to run away from you. I miss being married (but don’t want to marry you). Don’t you want to date other people?’ Do you love me? I used to think that he sometimes had diarrhea of the mouth and he would just shut up while he was still behind during these episodes. I was a mess, too, having tolerated his behavior. I feel sick thinking that I stuck around for so much disrespect, in the hopes of salvaging this relationship, only to be discarded by him when he left for his work subordinate and blocked me from his life. I hope that I can regain a sense of dignity somehow.

      I hope that Shana and family have a much better life now than when her horrendous husband wrote her this ‘love’ letter!

  • I’m not sure how to begin this other than just put it out here. I suppose I’m looking for positive reasons to get into action and end this. Put a bullet in the marriage as Tracy says.

    Yesterday was my 13th Anniversary. On Monday the 9th of April, marks 7 months stbxww has been gone living with her AP. UBT = next victim. I have irrefutable proof of adultery, but don’t want the conflict hassle involved in court. As surely as the RIC exists, So does the D-lawyer+court industrial complex. I’d rather put that money towards a new Toyota Corolla. This will be my 2nd D-rodeo in my life story. Chapter 1 -Alcoholic spouse, Chapter 2- Serial cheater. My picker is beyond broke.

    Rather than spend 10’s of 1000’s $, we agreed on dividing up assets and simply go with a no fault uncontested D. Our children are grown and married so there’s that. A clean break for (supposedly $650). So why am I dreading and procrastinating taking the next step with this process? Hopium. Trauma bond? Co-dependency? Fear? This must be limbo.

    Every rational thought (now that I can think-Thanks NC) screams ‘get er done’ but I feel like wet putty inside. I chose not to go scorched earth because I wasn’t raised to hate. Rather I’ll let karma work itself out with both of us. I did my part- faithfully, whole heartedly. There’s got to be something better for Chapter 3. Dunno what but just gotta have faith it’s out there waiting for me to cotton onto it and say Hello!

    I told my serial cheater that I’d never hate her but I hated what she did to our family. I asked her if she was aware of the fact that one day she’d have to pay for her actions? …, that there was a cosmic order to life and her dues were enormous. What comes around goes around. But not on my timetable.

    Need CN CL encouragement. And Go.

    • Marcus, it sounds to me like you already know what you need to do… cut your losses and walk away with your self-respect (and bank account) intact. Pour some stabilizer on that wet putty, write the $650 check, and go car shopping. You’ll have peace in your life and that is priceless.

    • So sorry, ML. Time to make it official since she’s been living with the AP for so long. She already put the bullet in this thing. You just need to bury the corpse instead of hauling it around with you.

      You deserve that freedom. Do the damned paperwork–but do not be shocked if the cheater drags her feet–and make the death of the marriage official as soon as possible. The end will not be real for you until you do. Then, you can finally move on.

      • “The end will not be real for you until you do. Then, you can finally move on.”

        Cashmere, Your advice is as your name, soft and warm ,but Stone cold Real. Thank You.

        This is the struggle and the ending, or should I say the beginning of the end.

    • You got this, friend.
      Time to move forward, for the low, low price of $650 and your freedom from a selfish bitch that doesn’t give two fucks about you or all your years together.
      That moment comes to all of us in many different ways. That moment when we say, “OK. It’s time.”
      You can do this. You have to do this.

      My first divorce shattered me, but I did learn enough from it to handle exh2’s abandonment and subsequent divorce like a boss, you will too.
      It’s like Glinda says to Dorothy, “You’ve always had the power, my dear. You just had to learn it for yourself.”
      Light a match and get that barbecue going.
      Get on your horse and ride.
      Pull up your boots and get walking.
      Sometimes you have to go through hell before you get to heaven.

      • Marcus,

        I think the burr under your blanket is that in a Just World, all cheaters would catch syphilis have their genitals go numb, and have to walk around for life with no nose or something equally obvious.

        But there is no just world-my ex is living ‘happily ever after’ with wifey number 3. Note the quote marks. I think chumpiness (codependency) means that you make these unspoken deals-‘I will be a fountain of understanding, a parental paragon’, all the while doing more and more of the actual work. As in marriage so in divorce. Mr Fab wasn’t going to initiate any legal separation-that was crazy bitch Mehphista’s job, ditto therapy for Kiddo, ditto actually raising her to adulthood. Glad your kids are grown (probably doesn’t suck any less). I bet a high percentage of the Chump Nation International Massive have had, after the nuke is dropped, to be the one to shovel away the carnage while the Ex slithers onward. It still depresses me-I haven’t recovered career wise or financially yet, five years later. But my anxiety is gone.

        By all rights, my ex should have come clean when I asked at Dday minus three years, gone to see a lawyer, not brutalized our child, extorted me and just been honest. Hold that expectation objectively up against the reality, and give yourself some mercy and the marriage the coup de grâce.

        So yeah Marcus sadly you are the only adult in the room here. $650 is a friggen bargain.

      • UNSINKABLE & MEPH—> THESE PEARLS, THANK YOU BOTH.

        “freedom from a selfish bitch that doesn’t give two fucks about you or all your years together.
        …“OK. It’s time.”
        “You can do this. You have to do this. … like a boss, you will too”
        ————————————————————————————–

        “after the nuke is dropped, to be the one to shovel away the carnage while the Ex slithers onward.” (injustice)

        “So yeah Marcus sadly you are the only adult in the room here. “

    • Hi ML.

      $650 is a low, low price for peace of mind. Trust me on that one.

      Thinking about $ and someone being selfish…reminds me of my ex fiancee. After our breakup we stayed friends, i set him up with a girl and they married, had twins. Them and my ex husband, we were all friends. I would have walked to the ends of the earth to help these people and their children, whom i considered my godbabies (tho i wasn’t asked). To give you an idea, i did their wedding flowers, bouquets, and i was his witness. After the babies were born i went over daily to bring food, help with babies whatever they need (i asked for the ok of course, i made it known thati can keep away if my help isn’t needed, i was given the ok)…i thought we were best of friends. I spoiled their children. I never thought to ask help with anything, even if i was struggling and i never expected any reciprocal actions… After about a year she talked him into moving to Europe, to be with her family because she needs help from her mom. My friend sits me down and says he’ll be leaving the car, so he wants to gift it to me. Though it’s an older minivan, he’d like to do something nice for me, because he knows we’ll be needing it soon seeing as i was around this time about 3 months preggo. I told him just sell it, but he said no, I’ve been such a great friend and all the help I’ve given, it’s the least he can do. I tearfully thanked him.
      My ex and i travelled 1.5 hours either direction to help them pack up about 2 weeks after this convo.
      After 5 hours loading their shipping container, this friend and his wife leave us and get up with a few people who were also around – to go check out the minivan.
      Friend approched me when i went back up to sweep the apartment and make sure everything in order for inspection – so sorry, wife said i can’t gift it away, i had to sell it off. It was actually a car that he bought while we lived together – i waitressed to pay rent, he worked construction to pay off his debts. I left him the car when we broke up, because i don’t drive.
      This hurt so much at the time. I felt like he sold our friendship for what he got out of the car, which was $250.
      What hurt most, and i told him so, was that his wife made an ass out of his mouth, having to backtrack a promise. I wished him all the best, and left it at that.

      Years passed after this. We aren’t friends now, nor in contact for other reasons…i got tangled up with the narc fucker in my life. I hadn’t thought of this car story for years… then, while doing the back/forth gaslighting cheating bullshit carousel with the fucker… he went on an escapade to a western state to visit his child. 3 days no contact. Then all of a sudden he texts me he’s had an epiphany broken down in the middle of the desert, I’m The One, can’t live without me, yadayadayada…i knew immediately something was up. He called and tried the Spiel. Instead of listening to him, i asked right off the bat “did you fuck her” (kids mom). He, surprisingly, came clean immediately. The whole snot running down his face bawling 9yard was on show. He *had* to. Because when he went to visit his kid asked him if he’d be there in the am, he promised yes and his ex threatened to throw him out into the cold desert at night if he doesn’t lick her snatch 😑😑 you see, she picked him up from his hotel to visit, so he didn’t need to rent a car.
      When asked, well, in the face of threats and knowing that the last we spoke, it was all ilus and don’t worry…could be have not called a cab? “Those things cost like $60 in that area for a short ride”.
      Flabbergasted.
      I said my goodbye. Thinking at the time, that he sold our love for lack of 60…i was heartbroken. He fought his way back to my kibble factory. I later found out there were others in the meantime of course, cause a narc can’t go without kibbles.
      Looking back at it, that $60 he never spent on a cab would have been the cost of my peace of mind. Unfortunately i can’t walk back to that night to say goodbye and stick to it. If i could, i would have saved a lot morw in the long run.

      So please, “I’ll take Peace of Mind of $650, Alex” that shit and never look back nor regret it.
      Take it from someone who *became chapter 3* for the narc. The best wife, best worker, best chef, best lover, best everything. I am everything to my last breath and it’s not enough. Not because of me, but because of how they are. I know this. I hope you realize it, too.

      (Ps: sorry for drawn out reply)

      • Mg. YOU! Draw out all you need to. It’s great to see your experience, strength and hope.
        (Ps: sorry for drawn out reply)

        ” I am everything to my last breath and it’s not enough. Not because of me, but because of how they are. I know this. I hope you realize it, too.”

        I’ve done all I can. When I came to realize early on that I could not penetrate HER Brain Housing with reason, a part of me died. The urge is still there, but I know the outcome. Futility, HURT, Fristration and Centrality. Moment of Clarity—> Stop feeding the wire monkey. Let it starve.

        Alex, “What is a GOOD INVESTMENT”? ding ding ding ding!!!!!!!!!

        • Exactly. No penetrating that layer of the brain that normally houses empathy, love, concern, caring. I believe that area is empty for them, and just houses another neon sign that says “jokes on you asshole, feed me!”

          Take the 650 getout card.

    • Marcus,

      I lived where you are for a long while—almost 3 years. It’s very hard to pull the trigger on that marriage ending bullet. But look at it this way—your marriage is a dying horse, it’s laying on the ground suffering in pain. Everyone around it is also in pain watching it struggle. Your ex bought and loaded the gun then left it in your night stand, you’ve since picked it up and cocked it (which is why you’re here). You are staring at a dying thing, there is incredible pain. Be brave, pull the trigger. You will feel increased sorrow and probably some remorse, because you are a good person, but the pain of the struggle will go away. It’s the humane thing to do. There will be incredible relief.

      To give you another more practical perspective—for those of us who are intimated by absolutes—divorcing your ex is not un-doable. That is to say, if she radically changes down the road, you can reconcile and have a second chance at a brand new thing. I won’t discuss the probability of that happening only to say, it is possible. But it would be a brand new thing if it were to occur, so you gotta wrap up this old thing and give yourself time to figure out what you really want moving forward.

      Good luck. It took my ex forcing the issue for me to agree to divorce. I spent 3 years in limbo. It was shitty. I regret it. Today, we’re almost done with the divorce and I feel free.

      • Marcus,
        4 years past D-Day #1
        2 narcs later
        Numerous discards of me later
        1 divorce later
        $100k poorer me/kids (my legal fees alone!)
        0 self-esteem left
        Wish I could take the $650 deal!

      • NANC

        “…for those of us who are intimated by absolutes…” I hate this about myself, yet i do have alternate CL/CN mental scenarios that present themselves in my X-warped/pavlov’s dog conditioned noggin.

        She’s in her 3rd divorce/ 4th RE-CHUMP cycle now. My Step son and I have a bet she’ll be engaged before the ink’s dry on the D. So be it.

        A Thank You card is in the works for AP. The note will be a Dr.Phil quote, “If they’ll cheat with you, they’ll cheat on you”.

        I know she’s got a few other APs/potential APs in the background besides her current AP,… she showed me her phone and I saw the IM’s from 2 she forgot to delete. Yet another confirmation of Who she Really Is.

        STBxW is a master cover-up artist and manipulator. I think when I die I should get to see a fast forward video with audio and subtitled of the narrative she fed the OM(en) about me.

        Wait for it…”put a ring on me or I’m kicking you to the curb!”. That was how she set the hook with me.
        The time/husband before me,… “marry me or I’m taking DD with me and moving on” (that husband- a good man- died tragically here, but I feel he experienced her abuse too).

        The first husband…well, she cheated on him with #2 husband. See the pattern? Do I hope she’ll return to me sobbing & ‘chastened”? Right! I’m starting to understand Tracy’s comment about us never being smug again.

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bFHcJBc-5BM

    • You sound paralyzed by grief for what you wished that relationship would be. I don’t know if that’s your experience, but I hurt for you as I remember that feeling.

      Go easy on your damaged heart. It makes sense that this is hard. You have to do it anyway, and I know you must be so tired of that in your life after all you have been through. It makes sense that your heart wants to resist it.

      Maybe you can set up a support system to catch you after you do it anyway — a mature counselor, perhaps?

      In any case, there’s nothing else for it. You are just going to have to set your jaw and do it anyway. I’m so sorry.

      • Marcus
        I really feel for you as I initiated the prosae divorce for $150, then retracted it so we could go to counseling for his issues.
        What a waste of time, him blaming everyone but himself, rewriting history, keeping secrets
        I ended up initiating the prosae again 6 months later, so painful. But went through with it and he signed it.
        That little voice that keeps telling you to get out, run. Protect yourself.
        I knew myself, and I knew that I could not stay.
        Most emotionally devastating three years of my life.
        It’s hard to lose the marriage and the person, the plans, the future all at once.
        It’s scary to face the unknown, you fear change. I’m 60 yo women.
        I’m still grieving, but slowly, steadily building a better life without a liar.
        First thing I noticed was the lack of drama, and lack of racing heart rate, anxiety, hating to go home after work
        The peace is pretty darn awesome
        He’s onto the next girl, he’s done this to two marriages now, they don’t care, who really cares?
        They don’t give us much choice, do they?
        Hugs and courage to you, you are stronger than you think
        Forge ahead and take care of you. Listen to yourself. 🌲

        • THANK YOU AMI.

          LET IT SNOW
          I thought about Pro-Se? Prosae? What can you tell me about the process?
          I pictured going to the county courthouse and asking the clerk, “what forms & fees do I have to fill out and get signed to dissolve this marriage”? We both want out and don’t need the added hassle of cutting the baby in half. I could use the $500 savings for new flooring, LOL.

          My wife Gets no chance. I offered R twice. What a waste of time and energy on my part. The HOTPOCKET cat toyed with me whilst basking in her centrality and position of power.

    • I feel your pain, Marcus. I haven’t pulled the trigger on my marriage, either, though it would clearly be in my best interest to do so. And I am one up on you regarding the broken picker. There is something about me that must be attracted to narcissists.

      I agree totally about the Divorce/court complex. I firmly believe that lawyers cultivate disharmony like gardeners cultivate tomatoes. My 2nd divorce was handled in a similar way to your $650 one, which, overall, went well. Well, until he filed for bankruptcy and the credit card companies came after ME. I had to go through more legal wrangling to get him to reaffirm the debt, which he ultimately did. Just make certain what is dischargeable debt and what isn’t before you sign any assets away.

      All I can do is offer you words I should probably examine closely myself:

      Are you happy where you are? Could you ever trust her again? How would you move your life forward without her? What does Marcus want?

      Still in the muck and mire with you, friend. And trying to figure out what I want.

      • Ivy, (I’m putting my arm over your shoulder and giving you a brotherly hug)

        I only had 1 joint checking account with stbxw. I never co-joined credit accounts with either of my spouse. It worked better for me that way, because I am a saver. I did share my money, but not in a “take what you need” fashion like many/most couples do. Stingy? No. Cautious? Yes.

        Stbxw is a financial train wreck. That part about having to pay back extended credit- she missed that day in school, Or just doesn’t care (aka- minimal consequences to-date).

        OK THEN. LET”S DO THIS TOGETHER! I made my appointment for next Wednesday. When is your appointment? (NIKE- ‘JUST DO IT’)

        • The reason BTW that I kept finances separate was that I HATE OVERDRAFT CHARGES because of being too damn lazy to keep a checkbook register current and accurate!!! (…or not communicating that money was taken out)
          If you’ve ever experienced “an overdraft CASCADE” where several $39 each charges hit you all at once, you know what I mean.

  • Excellent job, UBT!!!

    Fuck that shit UP, Shana!!!!

    He was “honest” enough to admit it, be honest enough with yourself to admit there’s nothing to work with here, honey.

    I got the line of “I have too much respect for you to cheat on you…” too. I was thrown off by that, like I’d just been hit with a Stunning Spell, but recovered quick enough to retort, “But not enough respect for me to stop overdrafting our checking account or lying to me about, uh everything?!”
    Crickets.
    Stormed outside to smoke, fuming.

    • That’s a very narrow self-serving definition of “cheat.”

      By that definition, all the lies and theft and negligence and abuse are OK, if he keeps his junk in his shorts.

      • Ding! Ding! Ding! @AC , you nailed it!!!
        This is exactly his rationale!
        One afternoon after the divorce was final, he came by to get some stuff of his he had left.
        There was a show on TV at that moment of a woman being beaten and tortured by her husband at the time.
        He looked at the TV then to me and said, “At least I didn’t treat you like that.”
        I patted his hand and smiled sweetly at him and said, “No. You were way worse”
        He got up and left.

  • There are so many of us here at CN that have experienced the disgusting & humiliating treatment
    from these selfish toxic spouses.

    They prey on our insecurities & use it to manipulate us
    into thinking their wonderful caring people. It’s all a lie.. throw him out! Let the OWHORE have him!

    Gain your self respect & live without the enemy.
    He’s a loser.., you be the winner!! 💪🏼

  • It never ceases to amaze me how all of these disordered people use the exact same BS on all of us Chumps. It’s like they are shape shifters off the same alien planet, sent here to suck us dry.

    @Shana, I hope you are cheater free and doing better. You have support in numbers the size of the population of a small country here. Chump Nation!

  • …Love how he replies with the assumption that he’s just going to come back and everything be all honkey dory. “Yeah I cheated on you, and I’ll come back and love you better than ever!”

    …Um…what makes you think that buddy? :/ Were it me I would reply with “…So you think you’re coming home?”

    • Yes, they think their partner wants them so much, that they will come back home and they will be welcomed with open arms. The level of entitlement is through the charts! They are so sure that the spouse will stick around and care for them and honor them, all they while they F- her over with a smile on their faces.

  • I would have written, “when you return and will be living under a bridge, just let me know which one so I can send the divorce paperwork to the correct one!” Seeya, troll!

  • This is more mind fuckery at the hands of a cheater–it’s the old slight of hand trick where he asserts his “needs” in a way that convinces a loving and supportive partner that it’s THE preferred way and what she wants too. Most of us here have gotten our fair share of this crap and when you’re in the middle of it, it’s tough to see that this IS, in fact, the droid you’ve been looking for.

    In a perfect world this dude would just be all “yes, I’ve been in a sexual and romantic relationship with someone else. I broke our marriage vows, and I understand the consequence of that is likely that I will lose my family as I know it. I guess that was worth it to me. I’m sorry, I’m just kind of a dick that way. Please proceed with divorcing me and taking most of our stuff in the process, I deserve to lose it.” If only. But accountability is not in the skill set of cheaters and liars.

    • “But accountability is not in the skill set of cheaters and liars.”

      It is NEVER their fault. It is the fault of the OW/OM who just came on to them so relentlessly. It is the fault of their upbringing. It is most certainly the fault of the chump who didn’t “meet my needs” – needs which seems to morph depending on the time of month, sunspots, the Dow Jones Industrial Average, etc.

      And, since they had such a GREAT time boinking other people, remorse is going to be in short supply.

  • Off topic – Jenny Sanford of the “Hiking the Appalachian trail” cheater governor just got remarried! Good for her.

    • Love Jenny. However, I’m always a bit nervous when the cheater’s new spouse has such a $parkly, narc-heavy career like investment banking. Marriage after 15 months of dating sounds like lovebombing. Hope I am wrong! Also kinda tired of chump success stories always being linked to re-marriage. We (US society) are all about the redemptive wedding and marriage fantasy, all the time. Like why not profile Jenny in the Daily Mail etc for being awesome single cheater-free Jenny instead of Jenny Got Married (read: and is therefore not out to pasture yet, still socially validated as doable.) Maybe it’s just me, but weddings and marriage are not the end all, be all, my post-chump life has been successfully gained cultural marker.

  • Until the next paycheck. Remove from the checking account and put into my own personal account for lawyer down payment.

  • My favorite part of this letter is “the details really don’t matter.” And then he goes on to say that it is important to him to be in her life. That is SOOOO entitled-cheater-speak.

    HE decides what matters and doesn’t matter for her. She isn’t allowed to decide whether something is important for her to know. He will dispense knowledge as he sees fit and without it if he deems it “not important.”

    That is one of the things I hated most about dealing with my cheater. “This isn’t important right now.”

    Oh, yes, by all means, tell me what is important and not important for me. I’m too dazzled by your awesomeness to figure that out on my own…

    • This was huge for me post Dday and looking back, apparently it was status quo during our marriage. It’s key with manipulators. Now that I’m reading Dr. Simon’s books, I can see/hear clearly now when he speaks.

  • Tracy – I will reiterate what your followers say every day – thank the universe you are here and doing this very important work. Your blog has been a lifeline for me during the last two years. But I have to ask you how you can stand it. There are a bazillion awful stories out there. How do you handle being the receiver of them??

    • I don’t have a satisfactory answer for that. The site helps people. I wish there was something similar for me when I went through this. (There wasn’t. There were RIC boards.) So I built the resource I wish I’d had.

      Yeah, the stories are awful. But they’re also brave and resilient. And I know the awful stories have happy endings — better lives. You don’t know it when you’re going through it, and there are real losses, especially financially, and less time with children often (or total time supporting them solo) — and it’s STILL better than taking abuse.

      Chumps are mighty. Every awful story is a mighty story waiting to happen. More support you get in a place like this, the mightier you can be.

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