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When Affair Partners Marry

casinoThe other day I was watching TV and this ad came on for glitzy, casino holidays in Oklahoma.

God help the ad executives who were trying their darndest to make Oklahoma look sophisticated and “fun.” Instead of the tornado-afflicted backwater that it actually is. (And is anything sadder than a casino?)

Who sets their sights so low that they’d take a casino vacation to Oklahoma? No offense to any chumps who live in Oklahoma, but if you’ve got the disposable income to take a holiday, given the whole world of options — Varenna, Italy! The Grand Canyon! Disney World! Hell, Gary, Indiana! Who would possess such awful judgement as to choose Oklahoma?

My husband said: Cheaters who marry their affair partners, that’s who. “Perfect metaphor. Write a column.”

You have to understand the Texas perspective here. Texans deride Oklahoma as sort of its dim-witted, poor brother to the North. Why go to Oklahoma? Because it’s cheap, easy, and requires little imagination.

Much like affair partners.

Say you’re a cheater and your cake is destroyed. You’re trying to figure out what next. Do you do the hard work on yourself? Try to make your marriage work? Take a spiritual path? Or do you follow the bright, sparkly lights to the slots and put your money down on Schmoopie? They’re there. They’re easy. And your “commitment” will convince everyone this wasn’t such a disastrous choice!

Marrying your affair partner is one hell of a gamble. The odds are really low that you’ll “win” at this venture. But you think you’re lucky! Exceptional! Sure, you might be stuck flinging quarters into a bottomless pit of need, but you COULD hit the jackpot and be SPECIAL!

Chances are, you’re either going to leave broke, or stick around with your ruinous “investment.” Meanwhile, you gambled away the things that really mattered — a faithful partner, your children, your self respect.

Chumps often fear that their cheater will marry the affair partner, thus “winning” the pick me dance. The most sucktacular thing about this outcome is sharing your kids with the affair partner. That’s a shit sandwich, no getting around it. But if you’re imagining bliss and blended family harmony, I think the odds of that are putting your life savings down on Red 25 and spinning the roulette wheel.

Think about it — marriage is the promise to exclusively love and honor your partner. “Forsaking all others.” What makes people so utterly disingenuous about monogamy want to get married anyway? Cheaters SUCK at commitment. So right there, they’re each marrying a person incompatible with fidelity. They can’t trust each other, so what’s the point?

Oh, but right, they’re SPECIAL and different and super lucky.

Cheap, delusional gamblers.

This column ran previously. Apologies to any Oklahomans who may take offense.

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  • Five years out from her affair, my XW and her OM are still together…with a child…but not married. Their affair blew up his marriage along the way, too.

    He was wise enough not to marry my XW, but dumb enough to have a kid with her…which ties him to her for life regardless. This was her plan, of course–saw he wasn’t gonna put a ring on it, so she made sure he put his sperm in it.

    There are worse reasons to have children, but this one is pretty bad.

    • That poor kid.

      And the didn’t put a ring on it, put sperm in it line is GOLD, JC.

    • That must be killing her inside. Imagine how much engagement ring begging goes on in that house.

      • Maybe she just tears out engagement ring pictures she likes from magazines and sticks them inside the Popular Mechanic he keeps next to the john. Kinda like Ralphie from Christmas Story. She prefers not-so-subtle innuendo to being told ‘you’ll shoot your eye out!’.

        Speaking of rings, I got some phone calls last summer from a jeweler looking for Honey. Seems that he financed a $4,000 engagement ring for H Dubs and then skipped out on the bill. I told them that this is the wrong number, that Honey and I are no longer married, and gave him Honey’s address and phone number.

        Not honoring his commitment to pay for a wedding ring meant for the stripper he left his wife and kids for? Irony, you have now reached LEVEL EPIC.

        • OMG, LMao at the idea of her putting pics in his magazine!!! That’s some funny shit!!!

      • Ha! When my X put the ring on it – it was a TATTOO ring! LMAO. No sparklers for OWife!

          • Mine got a tattoo of her name on his NECK. He now looks like he’s spent the last couple of decades making license plates in the state pen. And she got his name on hers. These jokers positively OOZE class (quietly retching in the corner).

            • HEY! Judgey McJudgerson….

              You CAN modify tats if it doesn’t work out you know!!! He doesn’t have to resort to finding an Angela if Angel doesn’t work out….

              • ????????????????
                Or just one of those tatts that becomes a Shape over a name, like a big X

              • Ok, so get this though. The thing is like 6 inches long and 2 inches tall. The scale is way off and obscenely large for one’s neck. And the tattoo person that did it intended to make old english letters, but they ended up looking like a teenager’s bubble writing. It was legitimately one of the only moments of pity I had for my ex. And hers is splatter paint-esque and just as big, intended to look like a tagger ‘tagged’ his name on her neck. I can’t even.

                I am not necessarily anti-tattoo. I have one and would maybe even get a small one somewhere else one day. This is not that. He got it 6 weeks after abandoning me and the kids, so I will forever hate it anyway. If he’s going to cover it up if things don’t work out, he’s going to need to put an entire ocean scene with a blue whale to cover that sucker!!

              • I am in the middle of getting the “true love knot” tattoo on my wrist removed. I got it about 8 years ago.

                At $250 / treatment on a small piece I’m 3 treatments in having to wait 6-8 weeks between. I probably have at least one more to go.

                Tattoo removal isn’t for the impatient or cheap on the wallet. It’s also pretty painful physically.

                A few people suggested that I get a cover-up but I want it “gone”.


        • I know first cheater x has a tattooed wedding ring. Good luck with that!!

          Women keep trying new strategies, but he is forever unfaithful. I don’t even know what number wife he’s on. The “exotic dancer” didn’t last long.

    • Mine married her … but thank GOD had a vasectomy while we were still together. They don’t need to procreate that kind of stupid!! Hugs to all of you that have to deal with the ex having a child with the AW. That really sucks, and I’m very happy that I don’t have to eat that particular shit sandwich.

      • Yes, thank god for vasectomies! My kids are already forced to watch her younger kids while they run off to parties, dinners and concerts. I’m sure a partial sibling would mean automatic nanny!

        • Yes, thank God for vasectomies. They already have eight kids between them and they are too busy with each other to even properly parent those (although somehow the kids on both sides seem to be pretty good kids anyway, no thanks to them). I know my kids have no desire to have half siblings. In fact, now suddenly I am the one who has to worry about birth control, have awkward conversations about condoms etc. Just another reason to resent my ex for complicating my life. If I do get pregnant it will still be his fault. 

          • Mine had his vasectomy reversed because, apparently, she demanded it and wouldn’t agree to marry him unless he did. So far it hasn’t worked. He’s 51 now, with 20, 17, and 14 year old boys he moved 1300 miles away from to be with her. I hope they are not successful as the world doesn’t need another child with a father who eventually abandons them when life gets routine and unsparkly.

            • I got the letter in the mail at my house for the cost for him to have his vasectomy reversed. Hit like a tonne of bricks to read it. He said he wasn’t going to proceed with it due to the cost. But the idea he was even thinking about it hurts so much.

            • We must have been married to the same sparkly turd. Asshat moved 1500 miles away with his 24 year younger affair partner. She could’ve been “our child”. I’ve heard through the rumor mill that she’s back in my area, while he stayed behind. I, too, was relieved that he had a vasectomy, as he doesn’t seem capable of caring about the great kids that he ran away from. One hasn’t spoken to him in nearly 5 years, but somehow that’s my fault. ????

              • Me too, Bye Bye. It’s my fault he hasn’t come to see his kids in 4 years because I won’t reduce child support out of the goodness of my heart in opposition to the court order. Child support that he won’t pay anyway unless he’s garnished. Also in arrears $40K. My fault. He just had 2 more kids with the AP now wife. That’s somehow my fault too, I just haven’t figured out quite how yet.

                So, because I won’t accept less money for the kids, I must not care about the kids. Logic.

            • Hear, hear. Mine left me for an older woman.

              He seems to have missed the memo about going for a younger model. (Or was it just the haggard and wrinkly dregs he was able to attract on the dating websites, he did say there was a LOT of rejection….) And left his kids (we were newly empty nesters, but he has pretty much left them mentally, one is completely done with him) to move to old-widow-who-was-married-to-a-serial-cheater-and-never-fixed-her-picker and her kids. My lawyer’s second question was about her age – because, you know, childbearing potential. Thankfully she is beyond that. But yeah, he has to now deal with the youngest of hers, who “has anxiety” – which means that at 14, she is too anxious to attend school, but seems to make an after hours recovery in the wee small hours, when she is found in the local park drinking with other delinquents…

              Meanwhile, ours have careers, and/or are at university…just sayin’

      • TAT, yep except vasectomies can be reversed. After 30 plus years, X had his reversed (our son now 35 YO with 3 young children) for massage parlor whore AP and now has an infant he admitted to me on DD he didn’t want. He told me “that’s what you do when you’re in love”. Talk about gambling…

        You can’t make this stuff up. I feel sorry for the infant to have two disordered and selfish cheating parents. I also feel sad for my son and grandchildren who deal with X and his ever changing life decisions and narrative.

        X and now wife (previously paid masseuse who looked for and gave “happy endings”) brought the child to Asia where it was left with her relatives to raise until they decide to retrieve. They apparently didn’t like the daily reality of caring for a child, just the idea of a tru wuv baby to solidify their bond and her guarantee of child support for 18 years.

        All this happened while I battled highly agressive cancer and contentious divorce from a narcpath.

        I’ve surthrived by going 100% no contact, getting divorced from X and distancing myself from their dysfunction.

        I’m now 6 months of NED on my cancer-free journey.

        Also, 2.5 years of effective counseling and having an incredible tribe (CN included) who have supported and helped me to stand strong again.

        A cheater free life is beautiful and peaceful!

        • Wow! Dumping the kid off? That’s crazy. I’m so glad you’re rid of that piece of manure. Congrats on your health improving!

        • Nothing surprises me about their behavior towards their children.

          Congrats on being cancer free though! Both the medical type and the marriage type.

      • An (ex) friend, whose wife left him for her AP, got his vasectomy reversed almost immediately! And bred straight away with the next one, who turned up literally the day after the marriage imploded. He swears he wasn’t having an affair, it was the XW (she definitely was) but marrying your ex sister-in-law and breeding with her – when you didn’t even want the second kid from the first marriage – no wonder he has rejected me since mine buggered off with the wrinkly old hag he left me for!

      • With a vasectomy, it makes cheating that much easier, with one less risk of a permanent consequence.

        • This is crazy. Few weeks before Dday and coming out clean with “evetything”, my STBX told me “maybe I should get a vasectomy” because we had talked about that we only wanted to have 1 child anyway, and I wasn’t on any BC at the time. I thought that it sounds like a good idea.
          Fast forward after Dday, when I was doing the “math and timeline” about the affair, it was probably the time his AP had an abortion. Hindsight is 50/50.

      • …gonna put a ring on it, so she made sure he put his sperm in it…


    • OMG…

      Love this: “Saw he wasn’t gonna put a ring on it, so she made sure he put his sperm in it.”

  • The Twat didn’t marry the skank but he moved into her place in town ….. right next to the fire station, so on hot humid nights he got to listen to the sirens screeching away half the night. Then during the summer they have the cattle fair in the parking lot right next door. “Who’ll give me 25, 25, 25” – again really loud and going on all day long. Poor cherub couldn’t sleep. Ha ha! Eventually she cheated on him (after about 3 years together) and he was OUTRAGED, I tell you, OUTRAGED! She was very plain (that’s a euphemism – I’m just being polite) with greasy hair and fat ankles. I guess you never can tell with love! Latest schmoops is actually pretty, but after my son’s wedding last year my other son said “mom, she is just WEIRD”. Apparently she keeps his balls on a tight leash! I’m so glad I’m free!

  • Mine used our daughter to gain access to OM, suggesting to our 13yo daughter to date his son. The kids dated for about 8mo. That relationship ran its course but the other kept going. They commiserated while both marriages fell apart, asking for separations almost simultaneously. Long story short… they are getting married and daughter has to live with old boyfriend every other week…. who does this shit?

    • Wow, super awkward!

      On the ‘bright’ side… at least she’ll have a story to tell about her life if she wants to become a writer someday?

    • Dr. Cheaterpants used DD14 to lure young schmoopie out on ‘dates’. She was our daughter’s 20-something asst sports coach in our kids’ Catholic High School while he was volunteer coaching too.
      He would take DD out to the most expensive restaurant in town and invite young schmoopie. He would have young schmoopie pick her up from school and drop her off at our house. He planned an overseas trip for the 3 of them to go watch the sport and planned to have DD stay in another room while he shared a room with schmoopie and told our daughter ‘she thinks of me like a father so it’s all good she and I are sharing a room’. DD14 was devastated when she found out what was happening. I outed them to the school and they both got fired.

      They show up now at school functions like a legit couple–50 year old bald man and 20-something bleach blonde bimbo. They expect parents, teachers, DD’s teammates, other coaches, kids’ friends to eat that shit sandwich for their twu wuvs. These 2 idiots are planning a trip to Hawaii with my teenagers for this summer. Dr. Cheaterpants is pretty cheap though. Wonder if he’s planning for all 4 of them to room together?

      Trust that they suck!

      • So I’m just curious- because I am a curious gal- does it matter that the school is catholic? I have read your experience and feel so much anguish for you and your family. Your daughter being used this way is unthinkable. Except he thought of it. I just wonder why you always describe it as a catholic school instead of a school.

        • Fair question. I guess for me it’s an extra layer of shit sandwich. We have sent them to Catholic School since preschool so they learn our faith and values. Please don’t think I’m holier than thou or putting down anyone elses faith or lack of faith.

          It’s just ironic really. Adds to the cognitive dissonance. Our kids are learning about the 10 commandments (and way more–religion, and not just Catholic religion, are mandatory parts of the learning process and required for graduation).

          Then to screw around with and run off with the 20-something asst sports coach is one thing, but to turn back up at the Catholic School with your young schmoopie is unbelievable. And expect others of the same faith, who send their kids there for those same morals and values, to accept you and your schmoopie with open arms. In front of DD’s teammates, other coaches, friends, other parents, priests, etc…. And one of DD’s teammates parent is one of the religion teachers. Priceless.

          • I get what you’re saying.

            Situational morality and anything goes maybe tolerable in a secular environment. But it takes a special kind of low-life to expect people in a religious setting to turn a blind eye on unrepentant immorality.

            Sigh. I guess their role in life is to be the Bad Example that we tell our kids to avoid.

          • TwiceaChump,

            What is temperature at the school with regard to this? Sorry, as a Christian, I just find this so…gosh I don’t even know how to explain, “so not “Christ like”.

          • I feel your pain. We are also Catholic. Our marriage is supposed to be a sacramental. A sacred promise made with God for life. He knew that going in. Divorce was not supposed to be an option. He comes from a very Catholic family. Mom is a retired chaplain. Father is a retired professor of theology and philosophy. I am an educator in the Catholic system.

            And, yet he’s had the affair. He’s left the family to be with her. The family has made it clear that if he is seeing this woman, they will never be able to welcome her into their homes as that is not the example they want their children to see. She is NOT HIS WIFE and only a wife has a place in the family.

            He takes the kids to Mass on the weekends he has them, but otherwise does not go himself on the weekends he is on his own. He has let me know that he’s having a crisis of faith. He said that he knows that the values the Church teaches is good for society but he doesn’t really know what it means in his own life. He was never as religious as his family, and I always knew that he was more connected to his faith because of me. But, to now say that it doesn’t have any meaning in his life at all is something else?

            He’s rejected his marriage. He’s rejecting his family by continuing to lie about the existence of this relationship and trying to defend this woman when they have commented (he even recently tried to claim that she’s Catholic too and attends a particular church to which my sister-in-law replied that is she is truly Catholic then she would have know that it’s wrong to have a relationship with a married man). He’s rejecting his faith.

            Anything left to reject? Here I figured that he was light years away from teenage rebellion, and yet here it is. Poor misunderstood, unappreciated, emasculated husband. Feeling like a man means standing for honourable principles and doing what is right. Seeking help in times of weakness and making good moral decisions with an informed conscience.

            Somehow, it’s easier to chase the OW. As he said to me after marriage counselling, “It would just be easier to take what I have learned about relationships and apply it to someone new. Just start over again with someone he feels he loves.” Forget what God would think about all this.

            • My STBXW has also suddenly had this ‘crisis of faith’, now that we’ve finally separated for a few months. It’s amazing, right!?

              She put her headscarf on in 2002 before we married in 2004 (her headscarf was partly as a way to make her prejudiced family see that we meant business). Over our 13 year marriage I basically taught her about her own faith as much as I could (I am interested in the history and development of it etc).

              But now after 2 infidelities (one a decade ago, #2 18 months ago), and me moving out? She has suddenly decided to take off hear headscarf, and is telling her family that “it’s not about my faith, but my adherence to practice that I need to explore”, and all this BS.

              She basically suffers from low self-esteem and I am sure this is simply because she wants to get attention from guys, told she’s hot (I sadly still think she is) and live an ‘alternative lifestyle’ for a while.

              All I know is that I am glad I have my kids 4 of the 7 days, and hope she doesn’t do anything silly. She already screwed around with at least 2 men without using protection either time, so you know how that goes.

    • There’s no affair involved in this story directly but I had a boyfriend whose parents were step-brother/sister. They were married and had a son; Mother cheated on Father when Son was in elementary school and she left. (“Exit affair.” Father is still chumpy and sweet and gullible and would have never left Mother.)

      Several years later – when Mother’s father died, leaving her mother a widow – her mother fell in love with her ex son-in-law’s long-widowed father.

      My boyfriend’s remaining grandparents married each other, making his own, divorced parents step-siblings. Family gatherings were a HOOT, let me tell you… LOL

    • Dan – I thought about setting my daughter up with my boyfriends’ son. After thinking about that for a bit (What if things don’t work out between boyfriend and I and they are still dating? Awkward. What if things didn’t work out between my daughter and boyfriends’ son and me and my boyfriend got married? Awkward.) So I ultimately decided to pass on playing cupid.

      • To add insult to injury.. I was unaware that these two dated.. “biblically” in hs..if had known that I would have stopped it before it even began.

        Think you made the right decision.

  • I think it’s all about legitimizing the relationship. They think that wedding bells will wash away the stain of adultery in the eyes of the world at large, and I suspect they’re correct.

    Ironically, this idea (marriage will cleanse the shame of out-of-wedlock sex) is such an 18th century concept of sexuality. My self-proclaimed radical feminist cheater is rushing to put a ring on it in the same way that Jane Austen characters scurry around to lock down a marriage after an unwed woman is despoiled. I’m reading a Pride and Prejudice offshoot for book group, and the similarity is pretty striking.

    According to my daughter, there are no plans for the actual wedding: XW seems content with a flashy ring and the right to call the AP her “fiancé” while forcing the kids to say they love the members of the “new family” as much as the original ones. XW doesn’t seem to care about marriage itself: it’s all about the image they’re projecting to the outside world. Maybe that matters more because AP is a coworker (she’s more or less his boss) and they have professional as well as personal reputations to repair.

    • It’s not Legitimizing their relationship (sin of adultery) it’s following sin to completion. Much different than two single people committing to each other & wanting do the “right thing” by getting married.
      I think that’s one reason it’s so hard for us to be forced to encourage our children to spend time with them. I feel like it’s asking our children to accept & embrace their ongoing sin. Swallowing a “Shit Sandwich” is the only way to describe how it feels.

      • My ex an his “not my girlfriend “ married the day after the divorce was final. I really believe his mommy made them do it to cover up the affair.

        Guess what! Seven years later HE is cheating on HER! Karma….

        • Gonegirl
          My X refused to call his schmoopie “my girlfriend “ too. I never understood that. During our seperation and even two years after our divorce he would still say “shes not my girlfriend “. The last (and hopefully final) time I talked to him he told me they bought a house together, but only his name was on the mortgage, but still tried to throw in there that she wasn’t his girlfriend and he just needed her to move in because he couldn’t pay the mortgage on just his salary. Like all narcs he bought a house that he will never be able to afford even with her meager salary too. Oh well, not my problem!

          • How can they buy a house together and her name is not on the mortgage? Wouldn’t that mean he owns the house and she contributes rent because she lives there?

            • Kn22
              Yes it does mean that. I checked court records and it’s only in cheaters name. I think she may be doing it to milk the system and still get food stamps and government aid. She doesn’t make much $. Or maybe she’s just dumber than a box of rocks

              • Sounds like she is dumber than a box of rocks. Or she has really bad credit and didn’t qualify for the loan. Definitely stupid on her part because once he dumps her, which will most likely happen, she will have no claim to the house.

          • My STBX claims he’s never met his sweetie just talked to her on phone about nothing all day long . The receipts I found for gifts and prepaid phone cards- he picked those up off the ground.

          • After second DD, exhole left his MySpace page open when he stormed out one of the days he was (according to what he told Owife) over to get his stuff. (His stuff was packed and gone already, at the time. He was simply there to get other *ahem* stuff, which i declined.)
            I popped on and got to read the message exchange between him and Owife about the day their EA became a PA. Eww to the particulars that I’ve deliberately forgotten. The only thing I remember is the discussion around “what this is”. She asked if she was his mistress now and he responded with “You’re just mine.”
            They refuse to admit to an affair. They refuse to label it because that would solidify the idea into something that is wrong and should be dealt with. It’s part of how they defend their complete lack of character and accountability.

            • That refusal to admit and label is so perplexing!

              My STBXW booked hotels for “girls night getaways”, bought him a bracelet (he bought her earrings), both with obligatory selfies showing off the goods to each other, hour long phone calls almost every day, skimpy selfies sent to him (timestamped with phone bills, I couldn’t see what she had received). All messages between him and her, and her with her sister were deleted between June-Nov 2016 (I busted them Sept 2016).

              Yet she insists to this day that they “only had one dinner alone”, and that was what her sister was talking about when she messaged my STBXW when they are arguing to say “you told me it was a physical thing, once and once only…” (sister was upset it was more than once, clearly).

              I simply cannot fathom the illogical nature of how that cognitive dissonance works.

        • Gone girl, just curious how did you find out he cheated on new wife seven years later? I see a lot of posts saying that ex is or did cheat on AP and just wondering how this information comes to light….

          • In the immortal words of Dr. Phil (to the affair partner): “If they do it with you, they’ll do it to you.” One of the truest statements I ever heard.

          • I found out from my sons girlfriend. She witnessed an argument in public where the AP was arguing with him about him texting another woman. I believe her…she doesn’t have a dog in this fight.

            Plus we live in a very small community, so things do eventually get around.

          • Information comes to me via my ex-sil. We’re still friends, but it’s losing ground due to me not wanting to hear about the circus that is my ex and her continuing to tell me.
            It also came to me via my exhole himself when my ex-sil gave him my number after his marriage to OWife imploded. He ran out of shoulders to cry on? Wanted sympathy from me… you can imagine how that conversation went.

    • Involuntary Georgian:

      I’ve said this same thing about my XH and his Howorker-turned-Wife 2.0… she worked in the office next to his. Each knew the other was long-married (40 years and counting) with grown children and grandchildren. They began their affair at least 6 months before he told me (after a perfectly normal Wednesday night dinner at home) that he moving out that coming weekend. He said he “needed time and space to determine the role our marriage would play in his life” and then closed with the typical pronouncement of ILYBINILWY. I asked point blank if there was another woman, and he calmly lied to my face and said “No”.

      XH agreed to go with me to marriage counseling, and the psychologist – a very well-seasoned professional who XH personally selected without my input – quickly got XH to not only admit to the affair, but to reveal that there had been 13 others before the current one (all with women I knew), dating back to our dating days in college. At that moment, I felt as if my husband had spent our entire relationship feeding from a 40-foot smorgasbord table, trying to find an entree that tasted better than me. “Hmm, shall I try the Shrimp Scampi? What about some Chicken Fried Steak? No, I think the BBQ ribs will hit the spot!”

      In the end, XH decided that AP #14 was his Prime Rib, cooked very well done. He divorced me, she divorced her husband, and they got married 7 months ago.

      Obviously, my XH had a lot of trouble deciding who he wanted to be with, so by actually marrying #14, he could legitimize their affair, bring her out of the shadows, and demonstrate to everyone (i.e. the few friends he has left, our kids, her kids, and all of the mutual coworkers who most certainly saw what was going on) that in the name of “true love”, he was capable of making a commitment to the “right” woman.

      We’ll see… I hear Beef Stew with Garlic Mashed Potatoes will be on the menu next week.

      • So well said! I knew about a schmoopie early on that Dr. Cheaterpants left the kids and I for. Then came begging back. Left a couple of years ago for another schmoopie, much younger. Two suspicious secretaries in between those years. I really do think they ‘try on’ AP’s for size. Always looking for one that’s better than what they’ve got.

        This one’s not better. Just different. And even with prime rib, it gets old for these types. I wish I’d learned that early on and not waisted many more years with a cheater. I just didn’t realize it at the time. Thought this was best for my kids—NOPE! Just delayed the inevitable.

      • The entitlement behind that statement “needed time and space to determine the role our marriage would play in his life” is breathtaking!
        I remember when my stbx used a similar line on me: “I’ll use this time to think about what I want from you.” It was a “see clearly” moment for me.
        As if only THEIR needs were important.

        • Trying for Mighty:

          Exactly! There was liberal use of the pronouns “I” and “my”, and no use of “we” or “our”. As if he was the only one in our marriage entitled to an opinion of where we go from here.

          And the pathetic version of that same dismissive line your XH said to you? “I’ll use this time to think about what I want from you”…WTF?

          • My ex may have thought of me a little as he said I deserved somebody who could love me properly, but it still stung that he didn’t think it was worth his effort to love me properly. This after 25 years as a couple, 22 years married and years of birthday/valentines day/anniversary cards telling me how much he loved me, how lucky he was to have me and how he wanted to be with me “forever”.

            • It does sting. I was told that: “You need someone to take care of you and treat you well, I no longer feel that I can be that person.” After 18 years together – married for 17. It still takes my breath away to read these words. My IC said it’s like asshole was breaking up with a high school girlfriend, of course with the emotional maturity of a 15 year old, that makes sense (per IC).

              • My Vstbxw said, “I’m Sorry I can’t be the wife you need and deserve”.
                That was actually the truth coming out of her mouth. Rather than AP. ????

              • My boyfriend told me at last discard that I ‘deserved someone who was present.’ How thoughtful of him! (sarcasm) He just wanted me to clear my stuff out quickly from the bedroom to make room for my replacement’s stuff–guess they were getting uncomfortable flirting (making out?) at work…

        • My boyfriend, after telling me (at last discard–without a tear), ‘I don’t see you in my future,’ he wanted the weekend at work to decide whether he wanted to stay with me, supposedly his friend of 30 years and girlfriend for 2.5 years. He said that he was feeling a lot of pressure at work and needed to work a lot of overtime. I found out approximately a month later that he was doing overtime on his work subordinate. Hurtful in so many ways!

        • Chump in recovery, don’t use his actions to shape your view of yourself. He will cheat on her too. Also things can look rosy and sparkly on the outside but be complete shit on the inside. Which I’m sure that is what they have, a big sparkly turd. Keep moving forward, and keep being mighty!!

          • Well said! Chump in Recovery, you WON. You lost the cheater and now you can gain a life. The value you assign to yourself cannot ever come from a man, anyway. Whether a man affirms you or doesn’t is irrelevant. They don’t ‘decide’ your worth. That could never be up to another human being anyway. Find your value, and keep moving toward that better life. Hugs.

  • The ow/om probably thinks that they have “won”. and marriage is the ultimate prize. I unfortunately know a few ow who got pregnant quite fast, under a month, they always have a bond to the cheater, then don’t they. If you look closely to their relationships, its probably crap.

  • Stbxh and newest gf have a newborn together. Our youngest child from our marriage is only 2 years old. Stbxh won’t file or pay for the divorce and told me he has no desire to marry newest gf.

    I feel a lot of empathy for the gf and their newborn actually. Stbxh is a monster and I am sure gf knows it. She left around her 3rd trimester and moved back a month later. Then they announced her pregnancy. I’m told that he has not shared any news of their newborn on social media. I don’t look or ask for info. Someone mentioned to me and said i should look. I said “no, I live this every day. I don’t need to see his version of reality via Facebook.” But isn’t that nice?! Really a proud dad then! What a monster.

    • I’d suggest filing yourself to make sure your child is taken care of financially. Depending on where you live, if his gf files for support first, even if they are living together, it could cost your child financially.

      • I filed for child support immediately after he moved out of our home. We were awarded child and spousal support because he admitted to infidelity in the hearing.

        Then he threatened to kidnap the children. I filed a custody complaint and have primary custody now.

        I am not paying the divorce deposit to file the signed papers though. I am the parent who feeds, dresses, houses etc the children. He can come up with those funds to pay the divorce deposit.

  • In less than a year after our divorce, the ex was remarried. Was I upset? Nope.
    In less than 20 years, he managed to demolish two prior marriages and now had accomplished securing his third.

    Why her? Who gives a shit! If she had any self respect she would wonder “why me?”. Why believe he really means “I do” this time, even though he took the same exact vows with two other women but yet was unfaithful to both. Her decision, her consequences. Neither of them play a significant role in my life so there’s no reason for me to have a part in that drama. Exit stage right.

    Bless their hearts.

    • Yep. Same. Only addition is she was pregnant and is huge in their wedding photo. His family is so excited about the new little one. Forget about the kids he already had and has abandoned. And they welcomed the new wife with open arms. Like they welcome every wife. Forget that she was 29 and he had just turned 60.

      • Dirty old man and a young woman with Daddy issues…….I think we can all write the ending to this fairytale.

      • Comical, except for the people who get discarded along the way. Absolutely gross and ridiculous!!!

        • Ewwwww! Just ewwwww! I just threw up in my mouth a little on that one..! Would be funny if it weren’t so pathetic and sad. Wait till he gets sick… she will bail and he will die alone.. hopefully in a puddle of his own piss…

    • Hannibal and his last AP are still together (she left her husband for him). On the surface, everything looks FABULOUS–fancy new McMansion overlooking the water, new Tesla, jetting around the world & staying in fancy places, headed to a Cancun resort in a few weeks, smiling pictures from dinner parties they attend together.

      The truth? I know the AP had to go on anti-depressants 1.5 years ago. Two years with Hannibal and her serotonin stores were depleted.

      • I read Cancun is a drug war infested rat hole right now. Hasta la Vista Baby!

        • As an expat living in Cancun, this is simply not true. If you take the same care you would any other place, (don’t go to the bad part of town, solicit drugs or sex, etc) And you know what, the Yucatan people value family above all else. I have been met w/ kindness and help from the people who live here. Please do not buy into the prejudice about Mexico.

    • She doesn’t know about the reasons why the other two marriages failed, because he didn’t tell her!
      Told my XH, make sure you tell the next women what happened with your two marriages, [cheated in both)
      He won’t, we are just collateral damage to his entitled life story
      He’s a victim, poor thing

  • On one hand, they’re trading down. On the other, well, to put it politely- water seeks its own level. Of course they married each other.

    • My daughters, when I questioned why he “traded down” – and was having a small pity party? “They each got what they deserved, Mum. You are so far above that shit.”

  • X and OW married last May — both at the age of 60. They think they will defy all odds since they were once college sweethearts. OH, but wait, while he dated Pam in college, he also dated another Pam at the same time. It was easier having two women of the same name. No shame there and made a great story when we were in our marital heyday. So 30+ years later, they reconnected when she was going through her divorce from cheating husband, and mine swooped in to be her savior, saying he had always loved her! Yep, I believe that?! Anyhow, karma has settled them back on the family farm in IN and living with “mother and father” (his). He hasn’t seen his 25&26 yo daughters in 2 years. He’s working in a bank and wearing a name tag and corporate uniform. Long ways away from Wall Street and his $600 shoes and expensive suits and ties. Karma…. got to love her.

    Meanwhile I’m about 5 minutes from our old house and surrounded by friends and family. My older daughter lives with me while she gets the funds to move to her own place. Younger lives in the city. They refused to attend the wedding last spring and have refused to join him for holidays while she’s in their grandparents’ home. I could care less. I’ve got a great job and have a happy life. Something I’m sure he thought he’d find with schmoopie. Instead they’re living off APs (aging parents) and trying to pretend they chose this life! Good luck to them… but keep those checks coming!

    • They wait till sixty due to SS benifits. That is if they are smart enough. She’s not to bright and I’d doubt he’d put a ring on it. Unless of course it gives him a tax refund.

      He’d lose his health insurance. I suspect they’re both on the same page attempting to go on disability. At 57 he wanted to buy a home with me right before Dday and I said no. I invested for years and no longer wanted my finances tied up in a nowhere man. A manchild who caused nothing but pain. Who the hell wants to go on disability when they aren’t disabled? A lazy ass.

      Marriage as we know means very little to cheaters especially those who are serial cheaters. He moved miles from his old hunting ground, a town beach where he met Sharon. Nothing changes; he’s still cheating.

    • I wonder if “other Pam” and him also reconnected.

      Hey, if you’re going to relive it, might as well go all the way right?

      • The confusion migh come in when he dials their number. When I found Nanthonys phone number there were others. Phone records indicate multiple OW per usual. One of the others lives in an apartment minutes from the house he rented. Then there’s the one he fathered children with years ago who is also in close proximity.

        My bet is on Sharon. She was the one who was blond, attractive, owned her own home, has a good job with a pension, and lives close to the town beach. Ha, I ruined it for him by telling her the truth. She’s probably in a relationship. It doesn’t matter to him. He’s lower than low with no retirement and SS will be low.

  • Cheater said to me during the pick me dance phase: “when I make a list of pros/cons between you and AP, you win every time.” WTF, really? Yet he still chose to be with AP – the statement is so damn stupid, I am honestly triggered just typing it. Admitted disordered judgment and then kept right on sleeping with her as much as he could. I just don’t get it.

    trust that they suck

    • Wildcat they do comprise a list. And they have little “tests” i experienced it firsthand. Of course i didnt know there was someone else i was being measured against. But during that time i did know i didnt want to be around him the majority of the time. So of course i lost.

    • It’s that unified theory of cake! Cheaters have no intention of choosing. It’s why they choose to cheat! They are perverse and love to enjoy both the wife and the sidepiece. If they can lie to both and keep dual lives for a while, the better!

      Blech. The only way to win is not to play. And focus on recovering from the trauma they put they faithful spouse through. Fuckers.

      • I agree they have no intention of choosing!! What better way to live their lives than to triangulate people. They are pros at it. Why just live a simple life committing to one person. Heck, it’s so much more fun to have a wife and a mistress. And when they triangulate, then the central person is the Cheater, and everyone else is beneath them. That’s how they like it, to be superior to all, control the shit show while the people below him keep fighting for his attention. No thanks. You can have your skank, I’m outta here.

    • Oh God. This, so much this. I didn’t know during the 18 month affair with my “friend” – or for six weeks after. Until SHE told me, outing him. Even during her “trying to win my partner” phase, apparently, I, the mother of his children, partner in business, and in life (blech) with all the domestic and financial burdens, STILL “beat” the OW, who had bought a damn wedding dress, FFS. Her pick me dance was fierce, and she still “lost” – or did she?

      When the one he has left me for (thankfully) – and we had to live together for the next seven months – was described by him to me, as “pretty plain really, a turkey neck, very wrinkly, a suburban mum, with not much really going on intellectually.” WTAF? Arsehole. Isn’t she the lucky one? I would LOVE to be with a man who describes me that way.

  • Anyone who follows the Forums knows that KK and I performed at a storytelling semi-finals recently. Mine was about catching her trying to bring the Carrot Singer into our home for sex; hers was about “swiping right” to find RPD.

    She opened with: “I’d been on dating sites for a awhile, had enough of the “Damn you’re hot” “DTF?” comments, and decided to work on myself for a while when I came across a response to my profile that just blew me away.”

    (Left out of this tale of twoo wuv was the fact that she’d been on these sites for months, had been caught by me 2weeks prior, we’d broken the news of the impending divorce to our daughters just days prior, and that RPD was also still married at the time. But I digress.)

    She ended with: “… we just bought a house together, and (waving her left hand at the audience) we’ll be getting married next spring!”

    All of which is to echo what CL has to say: why do the hard work in yourself when there’s a equally sparkly turd just waiting to help you minimize and put all acknowledge of and responsibility for your destructive behavior in the rear view mirror?

    Cheater motto: Do the good if possible, but ALWAYS do the easy

    Here’s a link to my story — here’s hoping that by speaking my truth, I’ve helped speak it for all of us.

    • @UXworld. You have brought me to tears of joy this morning. Thank you for sharing the link. And your truth.

    • I don’t understand how you and your ex were at the same venue competing. I’m missing that part of it.

      • I started doing this in 2016, not long after DDay, as a distraction from the chaos at home.

        6 months later, RPD (the subsequent OM) started performing at the same events, with KK in the crowd as “support.”

        6 months after that, KK started performing as well. (“Finding her voice,” she says.)

        To date she and I have been on the same speaker line up 3 times. Twice, her stories have centered around RPD and the alcohol- and sex-fueled adventures they’ve had.

        • She’s a psychopath. They mistake the ability to endure being otherworldly degrees of shitty, with being powerful.

          • That she would go and soil your story telling venue and gleefully partake with tales of her adulterous whoredom- she is disordered and rotten to a level of malignancy that is …..I can’t find the word.

            I know that you should not let her run you off from your hobby. But I wonder if it might be wise to just stay away from her as you would someone infected with the bubonic plague.

            She delights in your pain. That is what serial killers do. Is there somewhere else you could go to do your storytelling? You do a great job and it would be a shame to stop. But not with her in the audience.

            Your poor daughters. Their mother is a stone cold sociopath. It is one thing to cheat, but to go and compete with you and tell stories about the man she betrayed you with in a public venue -it would be rejected as a screenplay as too outlandish.

            Who would do this?

        • So bizarre for them to stalk you through your unique hobby. Maybe you should take up flaming sword swallowing.

          • Or is it that she just can’t stand not maintaining centrality, or thinks that she still is, even though she has had to move the feast of kibbles herself to follow UX. ‘Scuse me, I’ll just scoot over here and plonk myself between the two of you. Oh him? He just can’t live without me’. Does she expect you to somehow start competing for her love again? I’m just so confused.

        • I suggest your next slam topic be about how amused you are about being stalked by your X and her RPD.

          • “Ladies and Germs the stars of my slam are here tonight! I hope you brought your hand sanitizer – right there sitting in row 6 are KK & RPD. Let’s give them a round of applause!”

        • Jesus…. follow you around much? I think that is triangulation at its peak. (See what I did there?)


          RPD…. hysterical

        • I don’t understand. Is she stupid, or is she just evil, or both? She seems so goodnaturedly unaware of her own weirdness in most of the incidents you recount. Just an ego too massive to see the irony in any of it. Is she trying to combat your narrative, or is she downright stone-cold blooded?

        • In Italy they have professional boo-ers at all the major opera houses…there is a lot of drama sometimes between tenors, sopranos, and fans etc…
          It used to really bother me when I witnessed it, but after hearing your explanation of the timeline of your performing and then theirs, I think you may need some professional boo-ers;)

      • RPD= Rider-of-the-Purple- Dildo UXWorlds ex-wife’s AP’s code name…UXWorld found it… The AP likes HER to use it on HIM

        DTF= down to fuck? It’s a Tinder-thing

          • LOL, word from the wise, my fellow chump: don’t bother with dating sites.
            I dont know how old you are, but I’m ripe old age of 47, and I was floored at how much the “dating game” has changed.
            God forbid you expect.someone to actually spend time with me as a human being before.trying to hook into me like a 20-pound bass at a fishing tournament.

    • UX World, that was excellent! Choked me up.

      You have a presence that tells the story every bit as much as your words do.

      This would be very difficult to do under any circumstances, but to know they were there watching your delivery…unbelievable. Congratulations not only on The Stranger, but for not ceding this territory to these shit-people.

    • Beautifully told. Thanks for sharing your story.

      I remember looking in the mirror the day after DDay and seeing a woman I didn’t recognize: scared, shattered, barely able to breathe. Photos from around that period reveal the same woman with a forced smile on her shell-shocked face.

      My mom always described me as her “happy child”, and I am normally blessed with that disposition. I find joy in small things typically overlooked by most people. I have been finding small joys again, and my smile is slowly becoming more genuine.

      UX, it sucks the big one that you wind up on the same events. How she can watch you tell your story without squirming speaks of her psychopathy.

      Don’t get me started about the casino thing. It got rammed down our throats here in OK as a way to “boost education spending”!! We know how well THAT has gone. The reality is that casinos avoid profits by expanding and expanding. Very little has gone into our education coffers from Casino profits.

      I’ve lived on both coasts and in Colorado. I love Oklahoma, and am happy to call it home.

      • I like Oklahoma too. I spent Memorial weekend in Pryor last year for Rocklahoma. If the music festival I was going to go to in Ohio this year wasn’t cancelled, I probably would have made plans to be in Pryor again over Memorial weekend. Oh well. I can tell you that it is better than Minnesota. Just an FYI – we got 13 inches of snow this past Saturday and it is snowing again! Yep – April 18th…… I hate this place! Glad I’m leaving for Arizona tomorrow morning!

    • UX, they bought a house? I’d rather doubt it. And when she waved that hand was she in fact wearing a diamond? Something tells me tat if she says it’s true then it will happen. Regsrdlesx she’s a freak.

      • They bought a condo, moving day was March 29. April 7-8 was the girls’ first weekend there — along with, it turns out, RPD’s 2 sons. (Let’s get this blended family started!)

        When I saw them on Monday, I asked them (as I typically do after not having them) how their weekend went.

        M the Younger said: “Well, on Sunday one of the boys took a giant shit and clogged up the toilet. And (RPD) couldn’t fix it — every time he flushed, the water just kept going higher and higher.”

        And . . . yes, she’s got a ring on it. Waved it around the exact same way she did 20 years ago when I gave her one. Doesn’t mean anything in and of itself. Plenty of time for things to go wrong. But it does I think speak to the investment she’s made in making sure this thing with RPD follow through. How would it look if it didn’t work out, after everything she’s done?

        • I have confidence in KK’s ability to dodge any consequences to her self-esteem should things go south with RPD. Her narcissism tells her that hers is a personality that cannot be held to narrow traditional morality.

        • RPD couldn’t unclogg a toilet??? Shocking.

          I guess he only likes things going in his backend than out

    • I watched it and gave it a thumbs-up! You should call her out if she is actually trolling around your storytelling venue, what a wacko.

    • UXworld, I just watched your YouTube chump video. You were so calm and articulate as you shared about that horrible day. Respect!

    • Well done! Thanks for the link. Unfortunately You Tube had Esther Perels “Rethinking Infidelity” video in the list to the right. Why would You Tube suggest that, of all the possible videos? Grrrrr—–

  • I drove past WinStar a month ago on my way up to OKC to see a medical specialist. The parking lot was packed, traffic was backed up trying to get in, and I thought “Who is dumb enough to go there knowing they are going to lose everything?”

    Now I know. I lost EVERYTHING over a two year period betting on a cheater. I thought I could hit the Unicorn.

    • My husband and I go to the casino here in town. We really like the buffet. Neither one of us gamble (unless you count our health by going to the buffet.) I’ve even learned life lessons there: diabetic desserts are really not the sane thing as sugary desserts. really. Not. The. Same. Thing.

  • I keep hoping. If it does happen then I can proclaim “no take-backs!”

  • I agree they marry in hopes of putting a shine on the turd of their relationship hoping it adds an air of legitimacy. Not realizing everyone except their enablers are laughing at them behind their backs. They married 1 year and 6 days after our divorce was final at Disney World. But when Prince Charming is old enough to be Cinderella’s father it is a fitting destination.

  • My ex is on #4:
    Douchebag McGee and homeslice married in Vegas…. right before the end of the year (I honestly think they needed the tax break). They are getting married again in May (on my daughter’s birthday) and in a city that we always claimed as ours and at a hotel ex and I stayed at. Weird to me.

    We separated in March 2016, he moved in with her in December 2016, asked for us to work on our marriage January-March 2017, engaged to her April 2017, we divorced September 2017, married homeslice December 2017 with plans to have another wedding May 2018. Sounds like a big clusterfuck to me.

    And as of last week, still driving by my neighborhood (he lives and works 20 minutes south). Maybe paradise isn’t paradise anymore…. two kids 8 and 10 (he generally doesn’t like kids) when ours are adults.

    Yes, they married. They honestly deserve each other. I don’t share the same values as them, I don’t find it entertaining or humorous to destroy a person and family. I don’t find pleasure in continuing to be hurtful (homeslice sent the last spousal support check-addressed and signed by her…. I guess to let me know she “won”). I have nothing in common with them and I am thankful for that. Very very thankful

    • My ex did weird stuff like that: took OW/OM on trips identical to trips we had taken, etc. Reflective of their perseveration on fantasy, I suppose.

      • I think it’s brcsu they have no imagination and say and do the same stuff over and over. They are just really boring fuckturds!!!!

    • The AP in my scenario ( maybe fiancée….who the hell knows) does this too. She writes the checks, addresses the envelope, licks the stamp…..whatever.
      I kind of shake my head every time it happens and if my kids or my boyfriend is around we always laugh that is screams of her insecurity. Boy….she really taught me a lesson by mailing my alimony.????????
      Doing this is like a dog marking their territory. She’s peeing on your checks to show you he’s hers. Lol
      Congrats honey, you won the turd olympics.
      My school of thought is that she can keep him and keep those checks coming.
      They are both pathetic creatures……buh-bye.

    • Omg!!! Why didn’t I realize that! Mine got married in December also. I wondered what the rush was. The tax break! Of course! So typical of my ex. I’m amazed I didn’t think of it. Thanks

      • Mine is probably going to have to marry her for the insurance! Only six more weeks on COBRA. Hope his new prescription plan covers Cialis.

  • Last August 15th when I was attempting to make love to my cheater and had the “You know when You KNOW” moment, I went into the state of shock that lasted for 3 months. Then the lovely PTSD experience that follows the onset of reality. I got an unexplained skin rash after that last session with Vstbxw. Fast forward to today.

    Having been indoctrinated into the CL school of “sorry you’re here! Suck it up butter cup and learn the real deal or die a 1000 RIC deaths” school of thought/reality, I can look upon my current state of affairs and see who the real winner is.

    My (I haven’t coined a name for her serial cheating ass yet) pulled the “put a ring on me or I’m kicking you to the curb” routine. I did. 13 years later I sit here and read about what I see as her inevitable plan on AP(n); where n=?. Vstbxw walked away from 16 acres of property (Paid for) overlooking a serene lake, in a NO crime country setting, with 4 grandchildren within walking distance to move into a trailer in a campground with a beer salesman. Paradise!!

    This will be Re-Chump cycle number 4 for her. I asked her in one of her (hoovering?) visits If she was engaged yet. “Ummm, No!” UBT, “Yep got the next chump lined up and a few in the background for backup”.

    So, Have at it sweetheart (Salute to R. Lee Ermy a.k.a. Gunnery Sergeant Hartman- we lost a hero there). Oh and the AP,.. Same First name as me. No REM sleep dreaming verbal slip up’s of “Oh Fuck me harder Rick!”

    He has Nooooo Idea what he’s got himself into. (Huge Smile)

    • RIP, “Sarge”, loved that guy!!!

      …..Vstbxw walked away from 16 acres of property (Paid for) overlooking a serene lake, in a NO crime country setting, with 4 grandchildren within walking distance to move into a trailer in a campground with a beer salesman. Paradise!!…

      Possible nickname for her:

      K-HO-A (KOA Campgrounds, get it?)

  • I guess the question becomes- what is “the House” in this scenario? (Referencing “The House always wins.”

  • My idiot XH is engaged to his AP without actually getting a divorce and no sign of any divorce papers yet. She has uploaded ring pics all over her instagram which he doesn’t know I have seen because like I said he’s an idiot.
    I am secretly praying that he goes through with the wedding before divorce so that I can skip off to the local Police station…

  • The institution of marriage has become a legal farce. It means nothing unless you’re a divorce attorney. No fault and 50/50 custody is the norm where I live. So you can be a faithful spouse and still have your home and children legally ripped away from you whenever a cheating abuser wants. It’s no different from the Islamic custom of a husband saying I divorce you three times and there you go, you’re out.

    What does it even mean anymore?

    • RIC job security. That’s what it means. The economic engine must be fueled. Actually it’s the DLCIC (Divorce Lawyer Court Industrial Complex), a subsidiary of RIC.

    • This is exactly what I’m the most fearful of. My non stop cheating husband (after confirming his most recent affair two weeks ago) told me he wasn’t meant to be married. I went to a lawyer and while I might be able to get more custody of the kids given his sex addiction and history of crappy decisions, Finance wise it would be 50-50. I make good money but he makes double.
      I can’t bear the thought of having to hand my kids over to this loser. I know that he wouldn’t hesitate to drag whatever new flavor of the week he has with them either.

      • My ex said carelessly in the friend of the court interview that he would leave our daughter with whoever he happened to be with. The evaluator didn’t bat an eye. He even said that the poor father had never had a chance to be a father because I was always there. Played right into the narc’s hands whom sat there smiling smugly. I was stunned.

        I hope you have better luck. The evaluator we had later got fired but for what idk.

  • My XW is still with the OM – The doctor, 2 years later. Moved into a rented house with him. Funny he makes good money and doesn’t buy, probably because he moves around from hospital to hospital (3 in 4 years). I was told by her coworkers he was sleeping with other nurses 3 months after our separation. But hey, they go on vacations and she gets to post them on social media, so she’s living the life right? Hopefully he puts a ring on it so they’re tied together. But part of me thinks he’s smart enough to realize the risk of that. He could lose a lot more than I did when she does the same thing to him she did to me! Lol.

    • Two years together? Rented house? The odds are not in her favor of marrying the good Dr.

  • Mine isn’t marrying AP, but a stranger off of Filipina Cupid. I asked him why he thought he could be a good husband now, since he so recently destroyed his family. His answer, “Oh that’s simple. It turns out I was married to the wrong woman.” Ok, dude. What a way to self reflect. No, they can’t do any soul searching, since they don’t have one.It’s all about kibbles, image, and securing a new appliance. Everyone is supposed to see this as a romantic love story. His dream come true. Yet, it’s freaking obvious that he can’t cook and can’t get laid. Such a simple answer. Order an obedient wife appliance. Oh, I can’t wait for this to play out…who wants to place bets?

    • I’m sorry, and no disrespect to others that it may have worked out with, but to me, mail-order says it all, both in terms of life and social skills, but also the view the guy has of woman (Ooh, let’s just order one from a catalogue!) Wife appliance deluxe.

      • There is a gross piggy man at one of the local charities who is engaged to his second mail order bride ( first one had to die to get away from him ).

        I truly feel for these women. He is so disturbing on so many levels. Your typical dirty old man. I always make sure that I am outside of arms reach when I bring donations into this place.

        If she’s lucky she will give him a heart attack on their wedding night!!!

        • I felt the hairs raise on the back of my neck…exactly know the type.

  • When affair partners marry…they do the world a favor.

    It makes me laugh now that I stayed in wreckconciliation for three years to “win” the pick me dance. I wasn’t sure after the twu wuv schmoopie’s 3 year (supposed) hiatus from one another that they’d find their way back but much to my delight they did. In less than a year after our divorce I was adding some people from my old neighborhood to my Facebook blocked list and I scrolled by the OW and noticed her name change. All I could feel was happiness that I took my maiden back!

    Cheaters really do suck but knowing that the two of them are living together in untrusting misery is enough to warm my heart. Whether or not they last is anyone’s guess but I sincerely hope they do! Their exes have cut them both out of their lives so there is no more triangulation; no more external kibble sources; only each other. Bless their hearts!

    • Oh! Me too! He was PISSED that I had my name retored. I kept my first married name because I had five kids with my first ex husband and it just made sense to me. When Mr. Twatwaffles filed for divorce, I had it restored because my dad is the only man who has ever had my back. I guess he wanted the kibbles of having 2 women with his name.


      • Mine only found out a couple of weeks ago that I had gone back to my maiden name (I did it about 3 years ago). He was stunned! And most likely very hurt because yeah he’s that stupid!

  • My ex’s AP got knocked up while she was still legally married to her husband, who helped her and their 3 kids move in with my ex before the ink was dry on our divorce. The baby was born during a scheduled C-section the day after the 11th anniversary of the death of our infant son. I’m sure if that hadn’t been a Sunday, they would have scheduled it for that day because that’s how they roll.

    Personally, I doubt that kid is his. She’s still super friendly with her ex. I was surprised to find out that Im not the only one who has that opinion.

    I keep telling him a paternity test is about 25 bucks at Walmart.

    Dumbass married her in December. Told my kids not to tel me because my “head would explode” Of course they did. I was mostly relieved that they weren’t required to be flower girls in that farce of a union.

    • Sunflower, I’m so sorry for the loss of your baby (I know it doesn’t matter how long ago that happened). And no, they don’t give shit about dates or places that are deeply significant to us. They just don’t have the brain connections needed to feel empathy.

      • Oh, the brain connection is there. They use those significant dates to twist their knives deeper.

  • My X married the OM out of financial desperation. She was trying to milk the Alimony forever but I kept taking her to court to get rid of the Alimony because the two of them bought a house together and even had the same car insurance. Hell he filled his taxes for 3 years at the same address and his work had her address as his primary address. His car registration was for their to.


    Anyways, they got married because they got tired of trying to hide things and it was costing them more to fight me in court than the alimony they where getting so eventually they got married and cancelled the alimony.

    They have now been married 6 months and have been together since 2012 (DDAY was 8/2013 and our divorce was in 2015)

    So they been together for a while but I know they have a crap load of debt and are living beyond their means. Not my problem, at some point their world will crumble.

    At-least my daughter stopped smelling their roses and realized it was shit colored in red. She tolerates them because the judge ordered her to (she asked to not see her mother anymore and the judge refused to listen to her) but as soon as she turns 18 she wants nothing to do with them.

    • “smelling their roses and realized it was shit colored in red”

      This Lothos ^^^^. This^^^!

      My Vstbx’s (adult) DD has this bit of karmic hubris in her future.

    • OMG, Lothos!!!!
      What. The. Actual. Fuck.????

      I’m glad your daughter is cutting ties with them and you no longer have to pay Alimony, but damn, three years!?!??

    • Omg these judges. My daughter has been with me full time for the past 10 months but he ruled it is a temporary thing. Didn’t help he scolded my attorney for not putting any case law to support my position in the brief but anyone with half a brain could see the narc was happy with the arrangement until I asked for reasonable child support. I swear if they start using artificial intelligence instead of asshat judges we would get way more sensible decisions

  • I’m taking bets on how long it will take him to propose after our divorce is final? He probably already bought the ring with marital funds (what hadn’t he bought her with marital funds).

    Trial is set for July, so I’m saying a year engagement would “look normal”. I wouldn’t even put it past him to get engaged on our wedding date, so that would make the engagement 2 months after our divorce is final if they want to have the wedding the following summer.

    I’m going with September (bonus points for me if he does it on our actual anniversary).

    I’m accepting bets! Unfortunately there’s no payout because he’s spent all the money!

  • DDay occurred 31/12/15 he left by 4/1/16 and engaged by April of that year without telling our 4 daughters he was engaged divorced me in the May/17 and married AP in Sept 2017(which they were not invited to) Still hasn’t told our girls he’s married?!
    Admittedly they don’t speak to him but an email would suffice?
    He told our girls that he wasn’t giving up the chance to spend the rest of his life with his AP (at the time of email she was his AP)
    It was non negotiable……So our daughters agreed and don’t have any relationship with him.
    My exh had a vesectomy and has now had it reversed as they want children together. He is 48 she is 29 and doesn’t have any children from her first husband that she cheated on. Funny thing is he really didn’t like our kids that much not sure how he will manage nappies and 2 year old tantrums at his age!!
    I maybe a couple years out but it still hurts to know that he just abandoned us so callously and remarried so quickly.

    • He reversed is vasectomy ????! OMG! God help the poor kid born from that mess!

    • The reversal may not work. I know a guy that had one when he was married to his cheating wife (they had two kids) and when he married again he had it reversed but sadly for whatever reason it did not work. He actually was devastated by his ex-wife’s cheating. Had to pay thru the nose supporting her while she lived in their multi million dollar home entertaining her boyfriends. Anyhoo, she married one of her AP’s so the alimony stopped and he went on to marry the love of his life. His second wife was one of the classiest women I have ever met. They are still extremely happy together to this day. His ex…..not so much. She married two more times (at last count) umpteen plastic surgeries and looks like shit.

    • Haha a vasectomy reversal is going to be Karma for sure. My ex is 46 and talked about that too for 30 year old bride to be. They are going to be working until the day they die. Oh and that fantasy life is going to explode into diapers and reality in no time. Like Skye said…he never even had patience for our kids. Oh but that is because he was married to the wrong woman…lol I am sure he will be an excellent husband and father, the second time around.

      • Of course he will be better the second time around as a father…….because it’s all your fault, here comes the second round of blameshfting. You made him cheat, you made him a bad father etc etc etc …….. All BS!

  • It’s not even the love and commitment vows: it’s the honesty vows that they struggle with- they will never be honest with their partner, nothing, nothing good comes of that.

    • Bam!
      And the dishonesty started along time ago, polished in their teens
      It makes the lies so easy to tell, so smooth

  • I doubt my ex will marry the ow. He moved her in with him(he lives with his parents, lol) almost 2 years ago. I kinda wish he would as he eventually will cheat on her as he did to me. Besides, he probably won’t marry her for financial reasons. I was the breadwinner in the marriage so I ended paying the asshat out of the marriage, she’s a freeloader. So if he married her and they split, he would have to pay up. Besides, he has no money…he can’t even buy a car. If it weren’t for his parents, he’d be homeless. Year, he traded down alright….

  • I love reading this column over again.

    My ex has been gone five years. Married the OW and just bought a big house together. It’s hard to watch what seems like rewarding the bad behaviour but I try to focus on Meh and my new life. I do get a small bit of satisfaction that they aren’t really happy or that their chances of making it are low. Onward and upward!

  • I appreciate this post so much. I always felt a special gut punch that xhole married the OW…that he “picked” her over me. But this post helps me remember that the ultimate reward is that 2 cheaters now have each other. Nothing to work with there…2 clueless, heartless losers playing their hands on the craps table. Fuck ’em!!

  • Our MC gave us an article to read. We both agreed that the article wasn’t very helpful as it was mostly just general info about a writer who wrote some relationship book (that we weren’t given to read). During one of our joint MC sessions ex gleefully stated that the biggest takeaway that he got from the article was that the guy’s second marriage turned out just fine. The obvious implication was that our marriage troubles were just because he was married to me and he would do just fine married to Schmoopie. It hurt like hell to hear him say that and maybe that is why I am so bothered by him still being with Schmoopie because I don’t want it to be true. It will probably be a few years before they get married, however. She gets alimony from her ex and if they got married (or even officially moved in together), that would go away. Gotta milk her ex for all she can get first before they put a ring on it. They probably will get around to it eventually, however. I hope to be close enough to meh to not care anymore by then but I fear I won’t be. It doesn’t matter though. Their relationship will always be a adulterous relationship that has no right to exist no matter how hard they try to legitimize it.

    • My biggest fear is that they are already are engaged and I just don’t know because nobody has told me in order to protect my feelings. As insulting as that is, they are probably right not to tell me as I really wouldn’t want to know right now.

      • My exhole never told me directly that they were engaged. I found out because I monitor my 12 year old’s text exchanges with his friends, and he told his friends about it. Then a very good friend of mine was picking up her son from exhole’s house and he told her, all excited about the news. When I mentioned later that I would like to hear about major things that impact my kids’ lives directly from him, he said, “I don’t want to share the joyous events of my life with people who don’t wish me well.” Such a douchebag. But he did tell me directly that howife is pregnant (AT AGE 50!!! Just try to wrap your head around that), mostly because my 10 year old told him that he didn’t like the fact that he knew about the baby but I didn’t. He doesn’t like to feel like he needs to keep things from his mom. Nice to know my sweet little boy hasn’t inherited his father’s comfort with deception.

            • The probability of a 50 year old bearing a healthy live child from her own egg, not a donor egg, is EXTREMELY low (I think well under 1%). How far along is she?

        • ‘I don’t want to share the joyous events of my life with people who don’t wish me well’. This sanctimony involved in that statement made me laugh out loud. How dare you stand in the way of his happiness. Stupid bastard.

          • Exh2 made the same kind of comment to former friends that he’s run into over the last few years. So stupid.

    • The longer they stay together, not married, the chances of marriage are very low. Remember these defects have the attention span of a gnat.

    • And that right there is why it will fail miserably. Because these people have no self-reflective reflex and their go-to is that the lego-part wife was the ‘wrong fit’, but hey they’ve found the perfect replacement part that will snap right in there, and it will all ‘work’. No it could have nothing to do with a lack of effort on their part in the relationship, an unwillingness to engage in the hard work of keeping the connection going through commitment, realistic expectations, give and take, all that. If it doesn’t work just by snapping together it doesn’t work. And that’s why it won’t work, because these people are at best a closed loop, at worst, a one-way parasite.

  • There ain’t no Casino like an Oklahoma casino because and Oklahoma Casino……..

    Is OK?

    (I’ve got nothing)

    • Oklahoma
      Knows how to party.
      In the citeeh, the city of…
      I am from another country and don’t know much about the state so I had to google that shit. It seems to be ag, natural resources like oil, and biotech, but that’s not very lyrical. However, did you know its mammal is the bison, it’s motto is Work Conquers All, and it’s rock song is “Do you realize?” by the flaming lips? Words to live by.

  • I’m actually quite surprised my exh hasn’t married the AP. He was calling her his wife while we were separated and wore a fake wedding band. He didn’t wear one when were married( except for the one I bought him to wear during wreckonciliation—smdh). She is his new wallet. My guess is that she doesn’t want to get married( she has a dad watching out for her and my ex is a complete broke loser), unless he managed to keep the payout he got from me. I doubt it since he managed to steal and blow 500k within the marriage. My guess is he bought into her house ( boy did she step into the fire if she did that). At least if they have each other they aren’t hurting others.

    • Also, there’s nothing that pushes two people together like triangulation. Now that there is noone else that they’re fighting for ‘the love that is bigger than the both of them’ against, they’ve had time to sit with themselves, and I’m guessing that is bringing a few realisations. Ha. Ha.

  • CheaterX and I were divorced in a November. That same week, he proposed to Schmoopie. Or she told him they were getting married. I have zero idea who did what, but suffice to say the ink hadn’t dried on the decree.

    Because of finances, I had to cohabitate with CheaterX until the settlement came through and I could buy a house. I moved out the following April. She moved in that day. I won’t forget standing on the doorstep trying to return the house key, only to be texted a message that basically said “get off my lawn.”

    They were originally going to get married in October but pushed the date up to June. It was a big wedding at the large Masonic hall. I got a text in December wishing me happy holidays, and a Sad Sausage text in February, saying that Schmoopie was filing for divorce and oh, once the dust settled, he wanted meet and find out where we could go from there. lolwut? Then I got a series of voice memos sent to my work email about how he had Chiari malformation, which he told his psychologist contributed to his developing Disassociative Identity Disorder. In other words, it wasn’t he who cheated. It was that other personality who cheated. He let out that the psychologist was leaning more toward the BPD spectrum, which is what I thought that he might be, if he were anything. Oh, and could I forgive him?

    Of course, he hadn’t actually said he was sorry (he never said he was sorry for anything), and he certainly didn’t take responsibility for his actions. I’ve not responded at all.

    Anyway, I’m not sure what was going through his head when he married Schmoopie. It’s a bit like untangling the skein of fuckedupness. He’s involved in Freemasonry, and they’re all about morals. It’s hard to look morally upright if it comes out you’ve cheated on your wife. If you marry your AP, then clearly you had a Love that Could Not Be Denied.

    Interestingly enough, it turned out that she was cheating on him while he was cheating on me. Of course, her OM was also married, but that’s because she is wired for other people’s husbands. I can’t think of why she wanted to marry him, other than she thought he had loads of money (surprise! He spends money like water and spent a whole heck of a lot of money on her). Or maybe she didn’t want to have the label of a “kept” woman.

    At any rate, I’m sure whatever reasons they got married were fine for them. I have, as I said, no notion of the real motivation, and that it was an obvious train wreck waiting to happen.

    I do know that I am happy that I’m no longer married to that kind of stupid.

    • ‘ he wanted meet and find out where we could go from there.‘
      OMG, the self-absorption. And the bizarre diagnosis, Chiari whatever, I’m not even going to look that up! He really thinks you’ll trip over yourself, running to the coffee shop to meet with him, and discuss how he’s all better now that he gets what was wrong with him.
      Actually, I WOULD go, if it were me, because I’d love to personally laugh about his ‘great love marriage’ that lasted less than a year. LOL!

    • He was waiting for his other personality to apologize. What a crazy story, Kb. Glad you’re out of it.

      • I had no idea about Cluster B disorders when I was married, but once I found Chump Nation, I realized that NPD didn’t quite match up. BPD matched up better. He did the whole splitting thing, as well as the zero-to-sixty rage thing. Initially, I wasn’t going to marry him because his temper was so uncertain, but he started taking high blood pressure medication that included a beta blocker, which significantly helped. He was messed up in other ways, and he loved creating drama. The summer his father was diagnosed with bile duct cancer, he took to his bed, claiming he was in pain, probably dying of cancer.

        I reminded him that he’d purchased 7 tons of limestone, which he’d just spent 2 days piling up in different places around the yard. No wonder he was sore! The next day, the soreness had passed and he behaved as if nothing had happened.

        I do not miss the drama at all.

  • I live in Oklahoma. I love this column and have actually read it several times over the years. My cheater ex and the OWife are now married. Third for both. They also both have 3 kids with their first 2 spouses. I’m told 3 is their lucky number. For now anyway. With everything I’ve learned post-discovery and the way he treated me pre-discovery, I’m glad their shit show isn’t my problem (except for the fact that we have an 8 year old daughter). Good riddance!!

  • My ex-husband married his AP of 5 years. They have been married now for a little over a year. I for one am thrilled that he married her. I see this as a life sentence (if they make it that long). Either way he will continue to live with the uncertainty of where she is and what she is doing. And she will be living that same way. I absolutely hated that time of my marriage when I knew about the affair and lived like a detective in my home. I NEVER felt loved and I always felt worried. I also never had a solid poop! Sorry. TMI. They deserve each other.

    • kimmy,

      The body never lies and can warn us that something is amiss. Constipation,nervous ‘rhea, hair loss, shingles, etc.

  • In my case, BOTH exhs married their OWs very quickly after divorcing me…
    Exh1 and OWife (wife #3 for him) were married about 10 after our divorce was final. The marriage last five years, and everything he did to me when we were married and divorce, she did to him ten-fold. Karma!!!!
    Sixteen years later, Exh1 is now on wife#5. I can’t even… ???????????????? Meh.

    Now, exh2 The Evil One, married OWhore less than sixty days after our divorce was final. He swears he met her after he moved out, but before he filed for divorce, so that means that they met and married within 5 months. Apparently, she doesn’t know or didn’t know he first had me believing we we’re reconciling, and that he kept circling back to me claiming he still loved me and still wanted to be with me only, for months, as she falsely believed they were exclusive, even though we were married…Tru wuv right there!!!

    A few nuggets from TEO about his lovely bride:
    He has yet to introduce me to her, they’ve been together three years now;
    He has yet to tell me they’re married— thanks to facebook, I saw their wedding photo a few weeks after the wedding. LOL, her kids look scared to death and my DD had to be physically restrained by TEO to take the pic.
    A few weeks before their wedding (I didn’t know at this moment that she had moved in with him and then we’re about to be married, her being a “good Catholic girl” and all) … I asked him if he was in love with her. He answered, “I love her as a person”. Yep, Tru wuv right there!!!!

    Honestly, my first and only reaction to the wedding pics was laughter. No smiles from any of them, all looking grim and serious. I’ve rarely seen them smiling, laughing together, all their pics that I saw a few years ago, look like they’re trying too hard to look blissfully happy.
    On my word, I haven’t looked at their Facebook pages in over two and a half years, and have blocked them on mine.

    She was a mid-twenties, already chumped/divorced with two young kids, the younger one less than 2, living with her parents. TEO was mid-thirties, abandoned his wife of 13 years and his Autistic daughter to be her man and a daddy to her kids, since her exh took off with his OW.

    If it wasn’t so pathetically laughable it’d be sad.

    • My ex has a similarly compressed timeline. Poor thing, she struggles to make her relationship with him not predate her marriage to me, but the space-time continuum just doesn’t cooperate. There aren’t enough weeks for her to have met AP after she gave me the ILYBINILWY speech, or to have moved out before our daughter caught her secretly texting him. I think she also doesn’t remember which lies she told me about which events, and what dates were associated with them, so mostly (on the few occasions she’s acknowledged anything) she falls back on vagueness (“in the fall”, or “before our marriage was over”). It’s hard work keeping all this sorted out!

      • I know, right?!?!?
        I know for a fact that exh/TEO had a long distance relationship with an old high school girlfriend for a few months before D-Day, then had another OW on top of her, then his now wife. He was dating OWife until she found out we we’re still married and that he had lied to her about being divorced, among other things.
        Once she found out, that’s when he filed for divorce, but still came around talking reconciling until she moved in, even after our divorce was final.
        Cheaters, narcissists love to rewrite history, love to reinvent calendars, time, etc.
        They never change, no matter who they are with.
        Facts are facts, though they try to twist them up or down play them.

    • “Now, exh2 The Evil One, married OWhore less than sixty days after our divorce was final.”

      In Alabama?? Thought you can’t remarry anyone (except the person you just divorced) until 60 days after the judge signs your final decree. So did TEO commit bigamy in Alabama by remarrying before 60 days had passed?

  • This website is the best! A friend recommended it–I think in response to my often morose Facebook posts about my divorce. My husband–ahem, ex husband– went to southeast Asia on Army orders last year. We had been married 9 years, multiple deployments, etc…no hint of infidelity. I never thought it would happen! I didn’t even bat an eye when he and a *great* gal he met in a hotel in Singapore decided to become scuba buddies. They took trips all over Asia during his year there. She friended me on Facebook. She was a “Christian.” She wasn’t employed though…sadly, everywhere she worked she was just too special to get along with anyone else.

    After he came home and wouldn’t touch me, antennae went up. After dinner one night while watching Star Trek reruns, he told me “he wasn’t in love with me anymore…hadn’t been for a long time.” But “there was no one else.” After I accidentally found photos of scuba buddy with my husband’s *** all over her face, pics of her masturbating, pics of her bottomless in his apartment wearing shirts I had bought him…she was just a friend. But she wants kids…and he suddenly wants kids–with the right woman. What does OW think is going on? Oh, she apparently believes they will get married. He finally admitted this before I moved out. He was “saving” her from a very hard life and very strict-borderline abusive-parents. I’m sorry…can’t a 26 year old college educated woman move out of her parents house?!

    They got married seven months after our divorce was final. Just a few weeks ago. I saw it in the newspaper. Even though I am dating a wonderful man, I was devastated all over again. I couldn’t stop crying at work…finally my boss just let me go home for the day. I still just can’t believe it. He lived in Brunei, she lived in Singapore…and now of course he is stateside. He had to move her here to marry him–she can’t drive, she doesn’t work! Apart from sexy weekends, they never lived together long term (that I know of). I just can’t believe he threw away a 13 year relationship for a fling. I can’t believe he was manipulated so hard. Thank you all so much for being here. You are helping me slowly, excruciatingly, move forward.

    • Is she a US citizen? If not this could be an angle (on her part) for her to get her citizenship by getting some dumb idiot to marry her………

      • Nope, not a citizen. My ex used to joke about foreign women who targeted American soldiers for a green card…now I really do suspect he is one. Some of my parting advice to him was to invest in some condoms, because she’s gonna get pregnant as soon as possible. Ah well. I am still dumbfounded. I never thought he was a genius, but never in a million years did I think he’d fall for this.

        • As we say here in Chump Nation, not your circus and not your monkeys ! Sounds like he got pulled in by his short hairs-LMAO !

  • My ex (actually, I guess the correct term for him now is my first husband, as I am happily remarried to a non-cheater) didn’t end up with his OW, but is engaged to a woman desperate enough to take him in and financially support him 100%.

    My biological father, however, was a serial cheater who did eventually leave my mom and his kids for one of the OW. Bio-dad actually told my mom that he “did not love the OW, but she gave him his space.” He lived with the OW for quite a few years unmarried, and then they did get married so she could legally remain in the country. There was no ceremony; bio-dad simply announced to me one day when he came to pick me up for visitation that I “had a new step-mother now.”

    She was a cold, mean woman who never had children of her own and resented us for existing. She encouraged bio-dad, who was a cold, weak man, to have little to do with his children, and eventually he stopped seeing us or having any type of relationship. I only saw him a couple of times as an adult.

    Bio-dad managed somehow to get on lifelong disability after successful cancer treatment. There was no reason he could not work, and he often took under-the-table jobs, but basically, the Owife worked full time and supported them both — not so common back in the 1970s/1980s. Bio-dad had been quite successful before quitting his job, and then never actually worked again. Hey, I just realized that is much like my ex, hmmm.

    I doubt that marriage was very happy, but they were both cold and emotionally stunted, and I guess having “space” was all they really required. They did remain married until bio-dad died. I have absolutely no doubt that they both cheated on each other, but I guess it really didn’t matter that much.

    • BTW, GladIt’sOver, my wife’s job is to ferret out worker’s comp. cheaters at a large corporation. It’s amazing how many people cheat not only their spouses, but their companies as well.

  • I am trying to move to “meh” while still married to cheater. Thanks to CL and CN, I realize that his extremely tangled skein is not mine to unravel, and that attempting to do so only shifts focus away from the one thing I can control: me. Doing a lot of reading, trying to understand why my picker is so busted.

    Last night cheater told me he had a revelation due to some reading he had been doing last week: Men actually slow down (sexually) when they get older! It is more difficult to get erections!! And this is normal!!!


    He, apparently, had always thought that one could essentially control their aging process via diet and exercise, that there was no reason why one couldn’t be as fit and vital as they were in their 20’s. So, I asked him if he thought diet and exercise could keep one’s hair from turning gray (his is completely gray).


    His affair fog appears to be lifting….but, again, that is HIS skein. I am trying not to light the hopium pipe, am trying to be objective and clear-eyed as I work through knot after knot of my skein.

    My skein is a beautiful blend of alpaca, silk, and bamboo, BTW. I’m going to knit something beautiful with it after it is untangled.

  • Cheater STBXH chose the AP over his wife, kid, dog and house. AP dumped him just 7 months into their public relationship even though he promised her marriage and a Verragio engagement ring (which is what my ring was because I CHOSE IT). I cut off triangulation in February 2018 because he filed a restraining order that was ultimately dismissed. So I went complete no contact except for email in regards to one year old daughter. Funny, two months after no contact, and no external kibbles, they’re done. LMAO. Karma at it’s finest. Just prepping for the hoover. Any advice fellow chumps? “I’m so sorry! I’ll go to therapy! I miss being a family!” Part of me wants to say everything with silence. What’s the best way to go about the inevitable hoover?

      • NoMo– Part of me wants to go HAHA BITCH. YOU MADE YOUR BED NOW LAY IN IT! So not grey rock. Maybe I’m not at Meh like I thought I was?

        • Yeah lol but that’s still kibbles so no he doesn’t even get that from you. Mine complains that I won’t talk to him face to face so it’s good to know that bothers him and his ilk. Don’t talk don’t even make eye contact. Look at the wall it’s way more interesting. Speaking with you is a privilege. He lost that privilege

          • Hahahhaaa, yep, they discard and abandon us, but cannot stand it when we go grey rock/no contact.
            I remember in the early days after he moved out and our divorce was final, he would text me after DD exchanges, “why the cold shoulder?… Or, “why are you being so business like???.”
            My response would be no response, drove him nuts!
            It was hard as hell at first, but once I got in the habit, it became second nature.

    • No response at all is best Newchumpdom. Stay no contact or grey. rock if you have to talk to him about kids. Don’t jump back into hell, you got out!!

      • Newlady15– No way would I jump back into hell. I managed to get out very unscathed! For some reason part of me wants to laugh in his face. The logical part of me is saying just don’t respond–let him have a taste at the silent treatments he gave me during our 5 year marriage. The emotional part of me wants to bask in the revenge. I know the best revenge is success, no contact, and happiness afterwards! But damn, a HAHA you IDIOT would feel so glorious.

        • I know it’s tempting. Do I ever… but it’s healthiest for you to stay away. Just live your cheater free life—that’s all the F#CK YOU he deserves.. ????

        • Do not reengage! I got a heartfelt letter a couple of years after the divorce was final, proclaiming that I was the Only One for Him. Hoovering at its best. Took a quick peek at the court docket and saw his pending divorce from the OWife. Needless to say, I did not respond. Who needs to be the sturdy tried and true Plan B?

    • Yes. Silence/no acknowledgement is the best course. No snappy comebacks or insults will jar him. You can always respond with the blank stare…….

    • Mine contacted me when his marriage to Schmoopie started going south. I didn’t respond. I suspect that until he finds another Wife Appliance, he’ll text me on an annual basis. At least he’s moved from “let’s get together and see where “we” can go from here” to “forgive me” to “how is everyone?”

      I have not responded at all.

  • I know no genuinely happy cheater couples. Some are lengthy. None are happy. Which is odd since they leave us to be ‘ happy’.

    • I think of the example of my cheater father, his marriage to OW was just weird. It did last almost 40 years, though. OWife was waaaay younger, and strangely, super religious! They put on a good front, and Dad joined her church, but he controlled her like he owned her. I know she hated it, because after she died at a pretty young age, I was caring for him, and found notes she wrote all over the house! She was stuck and miserable, and had gone from a young business woman with a bright future, to an abused wife appliance. Sad.
      It just shows you that the new partner doesn’t change who you are inside, and the new relationship isn’t a cure for your issues! He should have gotten therapy, instead of cheating.

  • She was always saying “I deserve (blank)”. Well when she started chasing her ex high school bf, I wish she would have caught him! He is a great catch. Difficult for him to hold a job, does drugs and heavy alcohol intake. He is a self centered asshole. She is madly in love with. If only he had accepted her many offers, she would have gotten what SHE DESERVED!

  • DD was only 5 months ago for me and I fear STBX will marry his AP. From what little I know (I have tried to avoid learning anything about her…am I the only one?), she “looks good on paper” and he would gain in prestige by marrying her–something he is exceedingly concerned about. But I learned of the affair from her ex on whom she also cheated. So…maybe the karma bus is coming for him.

    • Karma bus is surely coming. Let them marry. Every cheater couple has faced their own karma at some point. A fellow chump I know, the AP and Cheater XH married—and he’s meeting whores in parks screwing them in their cars. Karma bus ALWAYS comes.

    • You want revenge, you will definitely want them to marry. Let them have at it…….it will not end well.

      • I don’t want to admit that I want revenge – but I don’t want STBX’s abusive actions to be without consequences.

    • Ninon
      She doesn’t “look good on paper”. Shes a liar with no moral fiber who doesn’t care about anyone but herself. Just like the cheater. They are both arrogant assholes. They deserve each other. Go no contact and work on your life where you and your kids are what’s important! Good luck. Keep reading Chump Lady, its a giant help!

      • Thanks so much for your reply – I’m so glad to have discovered CL. “Arrogant asshole” is an accurate description of STBX and I assume his AP mirrors him in this way. He’s also a narcissist who us supremely socially privileged – I guess being with a middle class woman of color who financially supported him was dragging him down.

  • In the beginning, I thought that XH & OW getting married and starting a family would be the worst thing ever and a sign that they had “won”. OW ended up knocked up the month after my XH did not come home from work one night to move in with her (although I didn’t know about the baby until 8 months later and when my 3 y.o. daughter told me LOL). I was completely clueless that he was even having affair, although from what I can piece together it was a 2-3 month “courtship”. XH started wearing a new wedding band before we were even divorced and they had the baby less than 6 weeks after our divorce was finalized. I think they made it official a few months later, mostly so she could be on his insurance since she was single white female-ing my life and would now be a stay at home mom. Again, only found out when they returned my daughter’s school paperwork and her new last name was listed as someone who could pick up my child.

    Fast forward three years later and they moved far out of the city to a crappy podunk town. XH is only allowed to work from home and all three of them spend all day every day together at home. Easier to keep him under lock and key when there are no temptations from the city and workplace ha! He has very limited, if any, contact with his family and she always chaperoned him anywhere he went. He has also decided not to have any contact with our now 6 y.o. daughter since she “hurt his feelings” when she finally told him she hated being at his house. So all in all, their marriage and family was the best reward for their decisions. As I now say, play stupid games win stupid prizes ????

    • What is with these freaks wearing wedding bands while still married to others? Mine did that and also called her his wife while we were just separated.. wtf!!!

      • Ew, so gross. At first I was hurt by the ring and the fact he was wearing it while we were married. But soon realized it was hideous, just like them and their relationship. Probably wanted others to think their relationship and child were legitimate, rather than started with lies and deceit. What a joke.

        • In their pea brains it’s legitimate. In their pea brains they’ve done nothing wrong and chumps are the bad ones.

      • Mines hoovering hard and refers to me as his wife. 13 years together and we never married. The closest I got to a proposal was, hey you wanna get married said in passing. I thought wow if that’s a proposal I will pass, then followed by how he hates wearing rings blah blah. Eye roll. Its image management for when he’s trying to drum up sympathy, sounds better to call me wife than for people to wonder why we never married after 13 years and two children.

    • Hahahhaaa, yep, they discard and abandon us, but cannot stand it when we go grey rock/no contact.
      I remember in the early days after he moved out and our divorce was final, he would text me after DD exchanges, “why the cold shoulder?… Or, “why are you being so business like???.”
      My response would be no response, drove him nuts!
      It was hard as hell at first, but once I got in the habit, it became second nature.

  • My XH told his brother that he knew OW for SIX years before he left me (in true cheater fashion, he never once mentioned whore to me). We were married for nearly 17 years when he filed for divorce and moved directly in with “just a friend”. They were engaged within a year of our divorce (divorce took just 74 days from filing to judge signing). Married the slut 6 months after engagement. They’re celebrating their third wedding anniversary next month. From all appearances, they’re happy, but I don’t really know. My once frugal XH spends money on her left and right: trips to Paris, Costa Rica, Hawaii, Cabo etc. He purchased an enormous home around the corner from our formal marital home. He now has a 30 year mortgage with massive PMI when our home would have been paid off in about 8 years. Slut’s first husband was also a married man. I don’t think she’ll change, she’ll always feel the need to destroy a marriage. I’m sure she’s looking for the next one this very minute.

  • My ex, Snakeface, has been living with his Spiritual Slut for about seven months, and I expect they’ll marry, just as Snakeface’s younger sister married her affair partner after they divorced their spouses. Ex-sister-in-law and her husband have been married for about seven or eight years, and it’s always looked like a successful union, at least on the surface, so they seem to have entered that “special” category dreaded by chumps, and I’m guessing that Snakeface and Spiritual Slut may join them there.

    Contemplating all of them beating the odds against the success of second marriages is so depressing. Nothing says “Hey, Chump, you WERE the bitter, demanding bitch who didn’t know how to truly and unselfishly love another person, and, therefore, the real problem in your marriage, after all” quite like the long-term happiness of a pair of cheaters. Fortunately, our sons were over 21 when we separated and divorced, so I’ll never know the agony of shared custody, but the prospect of having to share grandchildren with them sometime in the future makes me shudder.

    I’m still in the process of moving on and forward, and life is certainly better on my own, but I would still like to live long enough to see Snakeface and Spiritual Slut’s relationship fall apart.

    • Snakebitten
      “Looks like its been a successful union” doesn’t mean anything. NOBODY lives a fantasy life. Let her have him, he was a cheater and a liar and he will do it again. Who knows, XSIL could be cheating right now and nobody would know that. You have no idea what goes on in people’s lives unless you live with them. And even then you may not know. My marriage lasted 21 years (i know now there were OW along the way, and I always suspected but i spackled). When me and X separated EVEYONE we knew were shocked! People were jealous of how good our marriage was! I didn’t know anything was wrong until Dday. My life for 21 years wasn’t even real so please don’t peek into one small aspect of any of their relationships and think uou know how it’s going. You’ll hear through the grapevine one day that such-in-such was cheating on such-in-such and then you can have yourself a little chuckle!

    • I would say that you shouldn’t fear their judgement of you. It’s skewed for one thing not to mention wrong. In their eyes you’re a bitch? So what? What then? Let em think that. Let anyone else think that who’s inclined to do so. You don’t have to accept whatever title they confer on you and you don’t even need to acknowledge it. It might drive them crazy to know they’re powerless to make you care what they think of you. Or it might not. What matters is what YOU think of you

  • My dad married the AP that he left my mum for. This was 16 years ago and they are still together. They married in 2013, he had to quickly divorce my mum to do it. I can’t really comment on their married, mostly because I don’t know what a normal marriage is supposed to look like. My mum comments that he hasn’t really changed that much, she says he is a better grandfather than he was father. I think their relationship has lasted because they haven’t really experienced any consequences. Everyone is still friends and no one has questioned their behaviour.
    My ex split with teenage schmoopie 1 months after our divorce was final, so they will not be getting married. There is no chance of a reconciliation between them.

  • My Ex married the OM (once our divorce was final) a year after moving in with him with my 3 kids just a few weeks after Dday and her filing for divorce. Did his living with her matter to the Judge regarding alimony or the divorce — of course not — that’s crazy talk — she “has a right to have a relationship” sayeth the rat in black robes (still just a little bitter about that horrid judge). Did the fact that she was technically still married and living in sin with her 3 kids to her adulterous partner matter to their holy roller church ?? Of course not— God brought them together —isn’t it wonderful.

    I am totally meh about the Ex and OM and figure that the two of them deserve each other. The shit sandwich is seeing them on FB playing “happy family” and my Ex demanding the kids call OM Daddy. That is a punch to the gut but there is nothing that I can do about it. I just smile, play dumb and be the best Dad that I can be to the kids. I figure that God/Karma will take care of them eventually and now after they have been married for 5 years, per the kids Ex and OM fight constantly so karma is raising her head.

      • I know but she is a cluster B who easily replaces people. She has had at least 6 Bffs in the 20 years that I have known her (when one ticks her off or sees behind the mask– bye bye–time for new Bff replacement). In her crazy mind I was replaced by the OM so I should just go away except for my money– on that she thinks that she is entitled to every penny that I have.

        • In her crazy mind yeah but still I would think you could tell the kids they don’t have to call him that if they don’t want to. Stepdaddy at best.

          • We had that discussion long ago but cluster Bs can make your life a living Hell if they want to and they live with her thus it was easier to call him that than for them to feel her wrath.
            If I had my way they would be living with me but the judge didn’t agree 6 years ago during the divorce hearing (children should always be with the mother per judge) and now the oldest is in college and the other 2 are in High School and have their friends and lives there (long story but they live in another state).
            They are all doing OK but that forced relationship with the OM still pisses me off.

    • WTF!? Your kids being instructed to call him Daddy – that is really messed up. Your kids will resent the crap out of both of those idiots once they’re grown.

    • As long as they keep pledging God will forgive. God is a capitalist you know. At least in this country.

  • For some reason, schmoopie refuses to marry cheater Cheater XH. Maybe she doesn’t want to walk down the aisle with a serial cheater who has already walked down the aisle SIX times?? A guy who marriage vows really mean a lot to. Lol

  • My divorce was final just before 2015 was out, or >2 yrs ago. X moved into AP’s house about 1 year ago, or only 8-9 mos after the AP’s ex divorced and decamped. Maybe they’ll marry each other, maybe they won’t. Either which way, I guess it’s a win-win from a spectator’s POV. And I do sometimes chuckle to think of the X and AP, and their small miseries barely hidden behind a precious facade of impression management. Schedenfraude is so tasty. But that’s not very “meh”.
    Meanwhile, I spent a year and a half healing my heart, taking care of my kids’ hearts. Then, on a bit of a lark, I met and started dating a real stand-up guy about a year ago. Orchestrated for myself an awesome career-change. As of this week, I’m a little surprised at myself to be seriously entertaining a marriage proposal. And I think I’m into the idea… Now, that’s more like “meh”, isn’t it?

    Hang in there newbies… visualize your future the way you would want it to be, and take the steps to make it happen. Your time is precious. Divorce sucks, but it is the gateway to a better life away from the poison that cheater-types reap and sow. And it needn’t be *that* long… While I can’t say the past 3 years since separating have exactly flown by, I can say they were very endurable… and would have been even more so had I a clearer idea then of what the outcome would be like. I hate to think if I had spent another six months at the pick-me dance.

    • Thank you so much for sharing this. Congratulations on creating a wonderful new life for yourself and your children!

  • Had to giggle big time at this!
    My STBX actually helped design the casino pictured! He also explained to me that he fell in love with Schmooooochiepie by helping her redesign her HUD house just right around the corner from his bachelor pad while we were therapeutically separated. The OW happened to be everyone’s duck buddy from high school. How classic that he will have her by his side for their 4th reunion— and I get to be tested for STD’s next week!
    He filed last June, but keeps dragging his feet because all documentation & interrogatories implicate him. She can have the Sparkly Turd.
    I don’t think MEH is too far around the corner for me…I expect it this Tuesday!
    Love you and the CN!

  • I happen to have BIL who cheated after over 20 years of marriage. He married the OW. Nothing would do until she had a baby. She already had a preteen son from her first marriage, but I guess she wanted to cement the relationship with BIL. They finally did produce a boy. My BIL is 62 years old with a kid in high school! His OWife is at least 10 years younger and now drinks to excess, bitches about him being retired and playing golf constantly. My BIL drinks a bit too much, has a heart condition now and looks “rode hard and put away wet!” Her desires and needs ALWAYS come first no matter what. Her birthday plans took precedence over his heart surgery one year. He has no contact with his old military buddies. He has to party with her young friends who are all fake snobs. I think he just stays because he is too lazy and tired to leave. Her last demand was a big brand new house in an exclusive neighborhood. Of course she got that! I’m not sure how long he can afford it on military retirement and her teacher salary, but who cares? He chose her so he gets to live with the consequences. His Ex-wife is doing well and remained single after the divorce. She is lovely and happy. I would say he bet and lost.

  • When Ex married the OW, I believe they had envisioned a different outcome. Their initial plan when they first began planning to be together was to pretend he was seeing someone else, then once we were divorced bring her into the picture as the “new” woman who was not the OW. He inadvertently sent me a picture of the two of them which negated that plan. Unfortunately, they had no alternative plan, so they attempted to implement the rest of their plan – which was to isolate me and play blended happy family with her four adult children and our four adult children. Instead, my children refuse to have any contact with her at all, and will only see their father without her present for the most part.

    I initially thought I had lost something because I was standing too close to it to see it for what it really was. Time and distance has given me a better perspective. He “retired early” from his job and I was awarded almost half of his pension in the divorce. Consequently, beyond the portion he receives every month, he has no income. They bought a house immediately prior to or after the marriage. Even if it there was a significant down payment, his money alone will not support their lifestyle. She works and he basically lives the high life on her dime. She tells him where he can go, who he can talk to and basically runs his life. He doesn’t want to work and is willing to accept that as the price for his creature comforts. That’s not a marriage – that’s a mother and child relationship. As my mother and grandmother were so fond of saying, “if they like it, I love it.”

    I have no interest in taking care of him, marriage policing him (she does) or living another moment of my life in service to him or his ever-changing demands and perceived needs. Been there, done that, got the ribbon and trophy. That shit is exhausting and demoralizing. I have a much better relationship with my children, we still spend our holidays together, we get together for birthdays and all manner of celebrations. We are still a family – he’s just not part of it. Looked at objectively, while I miss the life I thought I would have, this life is pretty good. I have what’s most important – my kids and peace. She can have him and all the drama and responsibility that comes with trying to maintain him. I win.

    • “…Looked at objectively, while I miss the life I thought I would have, this life is pretty good. I have what’s most important – my kids and peace. She can have him and all the drama and responsibility that comes with trying to maintain him. I win….”

      Amen and pass the collection plate!!!
      Same here with me

  • The Coward and the Rescue Twat married in Vegas after reconnecting on FB, less than a year after our divorce was final. Thirty years prior, they’d been party hook-ups. Naturally, they had more in common than he and I did, what with our three awesome kids, friends, vacations, homes, grad school…you know, frivolous/meaningless stuff like that. Their love was Meant To Be. And so now I wear the scarlet letter D everywhere I go, and they are super legit husband and wife.

    I did meet the love of MY life, and I often agonizingly wish in so many ways that I’d met him first, but then again I am grateful for my babies and the good memories I cherish. I’m not sure I want to get married again. The romantic me does, but the practical me says to keep my financial interests to myself.

    If only The Coward thought about the kids’ interests….

    The Coward had been adamant once upon a time that he would never jeopardize our kids’ inheritance by marrying a woman who wasn’t their mother. This was in the context of our discussions about what either of us would do in the event of a tragic loss. Never for a moment did I believe he would ever abandon our family.

    I’ve seen pictures of the walk-up chapel wedding. I think it was in a hotel we both used to really like. I have no issue with Vegas weddings as a rule, but I’m amused that he just sticks with the cliche. He looked terrible in the pictures. He didn’t bother to groom, and he wore really old, outdated clothes. One celebratory pic shows him in a tee-shirt I’d bought him. I’m not convinced that it was his idea to go through with a commitment, or whether he resigned himself, given all the circumstances of their (tenuous?) relationship. I wonder if he felt threatened by her or by the fear of losing everything including her, even if she was a downgrade. I wonder if he felt compelled to legitimize his shitty destruction to the world.

    I do find it interesting, the expression on people’s faces when I answer in the affirmative to the inevitable question, “Did he marry her?” I really believe the outcome–a cheap Vegas “I do, I do”–does justify in people’s minds that he must have really found The One. And He Deserves To Be Happy.

    I was appalled, aghast, and heartbroken when I found out. As I looked through the wedding pics at my desk, I glanced over at my kids, searching for any clues in their expressions or behavior that they had any idea that their father was marrying a new stranger wife. I don’t think they knew. I could be wrong. Either way, life went on for the family he abandoned. (He wrote the checks that he had to, but not more than that.)

    The whole thing is fascinating.

  • My XH is engaged to Miss 1999, who has been in orbit around him, since , well, at least 1999. ( We met in 1992, got married in 2001, divorce finalised January last year after 3 Ddays- the last one was when i found out that she had been around for my whole marriage) Strictly speaking we were “on a break” when they first met, but she knew, all the way along, that we reconciled, got married, that he then cheated on me, and I suppose her, with( at least) 2 other people and in fact had the trio of them all going at the same time- she’s much better informed about his true character than I ever was. And she still is going to marry him, move interstate and spend all HER money to buy a big house and land to keep her horses on. She is paranoid about him cheating on her and searches through his stuff 24/7. Apparently they tried IVF- while he was still seeing one of the other OW as well- but it didn’t work. I foresee a beautiful marriage full of trust… wait, wrong tarot cards.I actually foresee a huge explosion, at some point, hopefully when my daughters are not over there.

    • Anyone else here wonder if they marry their chump to send their “just friends” into a pick me dance? I do.

      • Cake eating !
        They figure that the sweet chump will never know and they can have their “friend” on the side.
        Win for them until it all blows up. ????

    • When you stand up and say:
      He sucks.
      My life is worth more than him and my illusions.
      And get on with being the best woman you can be.
      Grab yourself and your life and embrace both.

    • Oh yes it does. At first you feel like you’ve been sucker punched in the gut. Can’t breathe. I kept reading in the early days that it gets better, a lot better. I just prayed for time to pass so I wouldn’t feel so horrible. And it did. And I do feel soooo much better. He is a shitty person. I didn’t want to nor could I see it initially. But he is. And I am the lucky one to be away from him.

    • It gets SO MUCH BETTER!

      There are days where I am grateful for the experience, and especially grateful to not have to try so hard to love a man who does not love me–and wonder what’s wrong with me. If it weren’t for what he did to my kids, it would overall be a positive experience. My kids are doing ok in spite of him, certainly not because of him, and I never wanted this to have happened to them. But it did, and we are doing great.

      You will get there. This pain is a necessary part of healing. Be mindful a day of really acute pain is another day of it behind you.

    • For me there were several watershed moments that started to move me from trauma toward normalcy again (still on that road). One of the first was realizing, when I had had time to fit the critical pieces together, that who I had married was mostly a creation of my own mind. I had projected most of what I saw. And not just me, but she as well. I remember gasping at the full recognition that she was “a construct”. She was a chameleon who purposely plays a role and has played several such roles in her life. (I came to later know the full extent of this, which goes deep into the disordered mind, but I knew then enough to truly know this construct thing for an absolute fact. I later also learned that the disordered “false self” is central to the cluster B pathologies.) This made me realize that I actually hadn’t lost anything. I had never had it to begin with. I had lost a fantasy hologram. This isn’t to say I hadn’t lost much of my life, and most of my future, but it was of a different type of loss now. And it isn’t to say such a loss isn’t harder to deal with than even death. I believe it is. In death, the loss leaves all memory and meaning intact. In abuse of this type, it is all the loss of death coupled with the mockery of meaning and the shredding of memory and the loss of precious time. And the abuser usually draws out the pain and torture of the innocent victim for years. (There truly are vampires in this world.)

      Another relatively early realization (during first year) was that none of this reflected on me. I don’t mean accountability, I knew that was entirely hers. After all, she was a serial cheater, having cheated in every prior relationship and having cheated on me within our first month of dating. This was her brand of sociopathy. By not reflecting on me I mean that fact that I’m actually in this situation. A chump, yes, okay, but what is that really? It’s an honest decent human being who lived according to a high set of standards and saw (judged) others positively. My “me” was right and good, and had been fooled by a creature most people don’t know even exists among them. I think the best way to say this is that all her evil, all her lies, all her slander, all her cunning and planning…had actually zero to do with me. It doesn’t define me. I’m somewhat religious, so I framed the thought as “Did Judas define Christ…in any way whatsoever?” So if God Himself can be betrayed, onto death, and it says absolutely nothing about Him, his rightness, his goodness, etc, and it says instead everything about the betrayer, then certainly this doesn’t define my beliefs as wrong, my character as flawed, my way of self as foolish. All my foundations and identity remained intact. And I had lived according to them with honor. And none of that, or who I am, need be in crisis. And with myself securely reaffirmed, and her properly identified at last, I had something to get up off the floor with. Not past the pain and fear and surrounding confusion, but at least off the floor.

      Things will get better.

  • I would offer a piece of advice that I gained many years ago, the hard way. I married at 21, and at 25, I came home from work one day, only to find a note taped to our bedroom door. My husband had left, and I never saw him again. I was shocked and devastated. I only found out about his girlfriend because, on the advice of my attorney, I hired a PI. His girlfriend was five years older than we were, already had three children by two different guys (we had none, thank God!), and gave birth to her first child at 13!! I was in agony for the first year. Everyone, and I mean everyone, told me he would eventually “see the light” and realize what a mistake he had made. They said they would never last, it would be over before you know it, and he would leave her in short order. I made the mistake of hanging my recovery on that very thing. But the thing is, it never happened. That was nearly thirty years ago, they went on to have two children of their own, and now even have grandchildren. They are still together. Predicating my recovery on his downfall delayed my healing by years. I had a hard time letting go of the revenge fantasies, and an even harder time realizing that “everyone” was wrong. How was I ever going to recover if I was not going to get my payback? Always and never are big words. You need to trust that whatever the circumstances of your divorce, you need to deal with your feelings, and move on. Realize that you (and your children, if you have any) are your priority. Try, and then try again, to put him and her out of your mind and make those first scary steps to recover your life, and eventually, your happiness. My Ex Husbands girlfriend was the “stereotypical” mistress that I often hear so much about here. She worked with him and did pursue him aggressively. She knew he was married, and was not dissuaded one bit by that. She was a secretary, a single mom of three children, and I’m sure, looking for her “white knight”. AP’s, just like spouses, come from all walks of life. A spouse can leave for a more attractive partner or a less attractive partner, a smarter partner, or a less educated partner. The point is, it does not matter. The reasons they leave are all different (and irrelevant). You need to deal with what exists, make decisions based upon your life and happiness, and focus your life on your recovery. Life is too short to focus on revenge that may never happen! Instead, focus on what you want your life to look like a year from D Day and take steps in that direction. I hesitate to sound like a fatalist, but I really do believe that everything happens for a reason. Look to your future, and walk that way.

    • Beautiful queen bee! I did a lot of visualizing during the first few months of what I wanted my life to be. Every time I caught myself thinking of him or what had been done to me I deliberately made my brain stop and refocus on my future. Some call it manifesting. I had a vision of the Woman I Would Be and I physically felt myself walking in her shoes.

      It worked! Not perfect yet but man oh man it’s close 😀

      Just like Dorothy, you already have the power you just have to know it

  • My ex-husband did not marry any of the people with whom he had affairs while we were married as far as I know. He has dated a woman for a year now (a record for him?). Both say they don’t want to ever marry again–just live together (?) part-of the year as he travels the world for work and she has a job in our area.

    I suspect that my nearly 50-year-old post separation now ex-boyfriend has married or will soon marry my mid-40-something work subordinate as it seems to be a trend in his little company and he seemed hit and heavy for her. As I don’t know whether they had sex with each other while he was with me, I don’t know whether she is officially an OW. I wish that I didn’t care at all whether their relationship works out and whether they marry and have kids or not, but sadly I do and part of me wants my ex-boyfriend to suffer. Thinking about him treating me like trash in many ways while I bent over backwards for him for a few years and then treating her like royalty (don’t know for sure, just highly suspect based on his history with partners–he pursues women who are ‘hard to get while shunning parymers whi consistently try to appease him) and them having an easy life while I am a struggling late middle-aged divorced mom still upsets me. I am struggling to feel either gracious or indifferent. I know that I am supposed to focus on my own life as that is all I can control and raise my kids as well as I can and figure out what I like/want to achieve in the world, but nothing has seemed appealing/satisfying/meaningful since my boyfriend left months ago. I am just kind of breathing air and not enjoying that experience. I just ‘take up space’ in the world–a bit like keeping something in your home because someone left it there and you haven’t figured out what to do with it; it’s not there because it is something that is useful or something you cherish. Just kind of waiting for the expiration date on the thing, my life, to pass.

    • Rock Star (what you are), get real. We chumps all go to that dark place from time to time. Try not to stay there too long; it isn’t good for you. You have a life ahead and Chapters and Chapters to write in your life story with your own pen. If you don’t have the proper pen, find one that suits you. But look ahead, our friend. Find a nice path for you and pursue it. I get that you were bitten twice. That should inoculate you against the demons. You even got a booster shot. Now, hugs to you, and understand well that you have defied all odds by surviving TWO rat bastards. You have an iron will and it will serve you well going forward. So, please do keep moving forward. That is where the good stuff is.

    • RockstarWife, I was in that dark place after the divorce and I felt that I had lost everything. My Ex was limiting contact with my kids who were living in another state, most of my supposed “friends” abandoned and scorned me due to believing my Ex’s lies, I had lost 95% of my stuff, I went from living in a house in a country club to my little rv and a majority of my money was going to her and she and the OM were having a grand time on my money.
      I came home every day from work all alone and broke and usually had to eat mac and cheese or PBJ sandwiches because of being so tight on money (even tuna fish was out of my budget). At that point I was severely depressed and thinking of ending it all. But I had my mom, siblings and 2 dear friends who tried to keep my spirits up and I had my cat who I had found as a kitten 10 years before. No joke some days it was seeing that little furry face in the window that kept me going. I persevered though, worked on me, fixed my picker, went to therapy and slowly things got better and better emotionally, mentally and financially. A few years later I met the love of my life and a year later we were married and now we are building a beautiful new house. I feel like Job in that I was tested and because I always took the high road and did the right thing, I’m getting back everything that I lost times 3.

      RockstarWife, take it a day at a time, keep your head up, fix your picker and I promise things will get better in time.

  • Honestly, if a cheater marriage does last, it’s probably because they’ve both decided to take up lying and cheating on each other. It may look all sparkles and sunshine on the outside…on the inside it’s a hot dysfunctional mess.

  • I love you, and this blog helped me exit a marriage. But, this Oklahoma girl (and I’m not even a native Oklahoman, East Coast girl born and raised) does take offense. I full-on agree with the disaster that WinStar is…I mean, how does one slap up the Guggenheim next to the leaning tower of Pisa. But all of Oklahoma is not like this. Promise. Just like all guys are not the same. All cheaters, yet, but not all guys.

  • My H married his affair partner (who left her H). Looks like she may go back to her X and my X is doing the pick-me dance. Interesting.

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