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You Picked a Fine Time To Leave Me, Lucille

Anyone remember that Kenny Rogers’ song?

“You picked a fine time to leave me, Lucille
With four hungry children and a crop in the field
I’ve had some bad times, lived through some sad times
But this time your hurting won’t heal
You picked a fine time to leave me, Lucille”

I was reminded of that old country hit the other day as folks were commenting on the uncanny timing of cheaters to cheat at the worst possible times. Your pregnancy. Your father’s death. Your cancer…

It’s hard to know if it’s intentional, or if it’s just part of an overall pattern of selfish obliviousness. But I think some of the crueler ones get off on it. It’s not just that lousy people can’t abide vulnerability, or joy (happy occasions must be spoiled too) — it’s that it’s a power trip.

Did you anticipate something?

Can’t have it.

Did you want something?

No.

Were you expecting something of them?

CAN’T YOU SEE HOW BUSY AND IMPORTANT I AM?

So today’s Friday challenge is to tell CN what lousy Lucille-like timing your cheater had — HOWEVER, instead of this being a depressing recitation of crappy Christmases — next tell me what you’re doing, or plan to do, to take that occasion back.

I’ve never spent another significant birthday shoveling shit while cheated on. How about you?

Kenny will now lead us in song…. TGIF!

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • I took back being cheated on and discarded during pregnant by telling him he couldn’t be at the birth or any further appointments, telling him I would be naming the baby without his help, telling him he wouldn’t be welcome at the hospital and having the backing of my midwife and the staff at the hospital, not keeping his secrets and telling everyone we knew what he had done and filing for divorce 2 months after d-day.

    • ((((pregnant chump))))
      Whenever you are feeling down, think back on all that you took back from him.
      YOU are an inspiration to all CN.

    • God, I wish I would’ve done what you did. I stayed like an idiot, and now 15 years later here I am in the exact same spot. Good for you. I was too scared of having a newborn alone.

      • Me too @should’ve.
        My therapist tells me to stop “shoulding” myself.
        I told her …yes, I agree….I ‘should’ stop shoulding myself.

        We need to just look to our future. The past is the past. This whole thing sucks, like the biggest suck of all! }:-(

        We did what we thought was right at the time.

      • ^^^THIS. Sigh. Got pregnant when we were separated (but still playing house, having sex and then allowing him to go on dates “to find himself” at night). Had a baby with a major congenital heart defect, cerebral palsy and other development delays so I pined for him to truly “return” to me for her, our other two kids and our shared future. I have found out since D-day #2 that a) I trapped him into having our third and b) he resented the last ten years being married to me (despite all protestations to the contrary at the time). I wish I dumped his sorry ass then but I will say that now I have the personal, emotional and financial wherewithal to get through this without looking back even once at that turd.

  • I was asked for a divorce at 10pm on New Years Eve 2014. He said he didn’t ruin anything because it’s not a “real holiday”.
    The next year I was taken away on a great trip with my sweet non cheater new boyfriend for NewYears after negotiating a pretty great settlement because new schmoopie was tightening the screws with my ex and he just “needed the divorce done so SHE could feel secure in the relationship…”
    Oh sweetie…..there’s no such thing.

    • Paintwindow – Congrats on great settlement. Glad it went quickly. I’m trying to figure out why – when our divorce is at the final stage…. stbx and his lawyer have gone quiet. His lawyer was supposed to send final revisions of the judgment to my lawyer months ago. The final signing was supposed to happen in Feb. Now it’s supposed to happen this month, but no word from opposing party on anything. I’m getting my support every month like clockwork. But this final signing and hiring of atty to split retirements – my ex and lawyer are nonresponsive. My lawyer threatened sanctions. Still nothing.
      A lawyer at my workplace told me that when he makes it final then his gf will expect him to marry her (they have a baby) and his not making our divorce final keeps that from happening…..
      His best friend did say that he expected to go have his fling and then come back to me.
      But I locked him out and got a lawyer. I guess things didn’t go as he planned.

  • My lovely narcissistic husband decided to leave me as I just reached the final hurdle of my stage 3 breast cancer treatment whilst living in Dubai – away from family and security.

    My hair was about an inch long, nicely growing back from 6 months of chemo (which he never came with me to) and I have a beautiful scar where my left breast had been…. I was no longer the physically desirable wife and after going to hell and back on my own journey I was no longer going to shovel his sh*t anymore and he knew it!

    He lied about having an affair when I confronted him with the fact that a man would not just up and leave his vulnerable wife and two amazing sons (age 10 & 12) unless someone else was involved.
    He pointed his finger in my face and told me “ Charlotte, I am not leaving you because I have someone else, I am leaving you because you don’t make me feel special” 😳!!! Oh, i’m sorry, I was trying to stay alive this last year whilst losing everything that made me feel feminine (hair, breast, ovaries…)

    It was the first time in our 16 year msrriage I had put myself first – even before the boys… I needed to survive this so I could be around to watch them grow up!

    Like the orchids that were given to me in full bloom on the day of my mastectomy, the flowers faded and the petals fell but I still watered those plants knowing that if I took care of them they would eventually bloom again.

    Just before he moved into his apartment we couldn’t afford he asked me why I still watered those orchid stems? Why didn’t I just throw them away and buy a new one?
    My 12 year old piped up – “what, like you did to Mum?”!
    What a beautiful moment that was…
    husband ignored the comment completely.

    2 years on I am now living back in UK, my homeland… I have learned to love myself and those boys and I are doing great!
    I spent 18 years living in many different countries supporting husbands career but now it’s my time to shine.

    I have made beautiful new friends and am embarking on a new career path.
    I also have a thoroughly decent man who loves me regardless of my journey through breast cancer and living through narcissistic abuse….

    I am grateful for my journey, even the shittiest of timing because I can truly say that it wasn’t me! All of those years of self doubt and being manipulated…. I am strong, I am beautiful, I am moving forward into the life I was supposed to live and I am grateful.

    • Charlie!!!!
      🌷🌸🌹🌺🌼🌹🌸
      I want to send you the world’s largest bouquet of flowers!
      My God, YOU are so Mighty!
      I love the strength and positive vibes, the happy outcome, you strived for, and you achieved!
      I love your son! Spot on!

      • Thank you! I could write a few books on my married life, traveling the world as a hoteliers wife and the secret life behind closed doors….
        we’re not yet divorced, he lives in China now and refuses to talk finances and future… he just sends me money each month whilst living the batchir life so he still has an element of control 😬 but I trust things will work out..

    • Your son’s comment made me teary. I am glad you are flourishing now in your cheater-free life!

    • Charlie he probably was being as honest as these shallow fucktards can be, sort of. He started screwing around because he lost centrality and all. Why with you garnering all those attention kibbles with your sickness and all and not making him feel special—sounds like a sadz started and he needed to find some ho relief. Geeze, how could you do that to him?

      When Dr. Cheaterpants left again for another ho, I was caring for my mom who had surgery and couldn’t walk or drive, I was working full time, taking care of all cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping (adulting). I was exhausted and yes, grouchy about his arse flopped on the couch and he hadn’t even been going into work.

      I had a small lump that had to be pursued and was worried I may have breast cancer. One of my friends said surely cheater would take care of me if so. And I was thinking, not only would I not want him to, I really don’t think he would. He could never take care of me if I had a cold/flu. He would tell me I was a wimp. Then he’d get it and be down and out for a week requiring total care.

      This is who they are and I absolutely am astounded when these cheater freaks take on a schmoopie/leave when a chump is down: cancer, pregnant, parent died, etc….

      You are super mighty and an inspiration to us all!!!!

    • Charlie, you are truly an inspiration! The hero of CN! You took the biggest pile of shit someone could be served and turned it into something wonderful. And your son’s comment is so spot on. Isn’t it incredible how children can be so much more mature and insightful than their grown-ass fathers?!

    • Your son is amazing!!!
      Kudos to you!!!
      I love your story!!!
      🌸🌼🌷💮🌸🌼🌷💮🌸🌼🌷💮🌸🌼🌷

    • My son (stbxw’s 1st marriage progeny) is walking with me daily through our separation and divorce (paying attorney Wednesday for no fault D).

      I can not begin to even explain the bond he and I have developed through the last 13 years. I’m grateful to my serial cheater for having him in my life. He validates me and proves to me I am a Good Man. He learns from my actions of practicing doing things for others without promise of reward. Forgiving when it is earned. Service to (deserving) others is the finest life a man can live (AA taught me this).

      When our children are grown and reflect back to us the good character we had the blessing of instilling in them…THIS!!! Priceless reward.

    • I was in the ME during my D Day after, like you, following his career around for years. We had just returned from the long summer break when all the children and mum’s leave. The children had worked hard to get into a great school and I find out he had moved her into our home over the summer! My in laws told me that it must be so hard for him that I go away and leave him every summer!!! Like I was abandoning him every year, not that it was an unhealthy 50 plus degrees and no one is there and I cooked him enough food to last all summer, arranged for him to have all the house work done, beds changed, clothes washed and ironed. Lazy bigger had to do nothing so he chose to take another woman to my bed. He fled back to the UK as well, threw a bit in a container and we have seen very little of him since. The ME can keep him as far as I am concerned. The further away the better. Good luck to you and I look to you as inspiration!

            • Yeah, my ex was offered women nightly by the companies who wanted his company’s business. Sometimes I imagine writing an expose for the Wall Street Journal about the way at least some of the executives from his well known Silicon Valley company operate in Asia, then I decide to just live my life and be happy. Ultimately, he made his own choices…..

    • Charli 🙌🏼 AMAZING!! So damn mighty. Hats off to you. How you got through being so ill and fighting for life, with no support from a cheating wanker, I can’t even imagine. So tough. What a fighter. You’re sons’ hero! And a CN hero 🏅💐

      Love your 12 yr old’s quick comeback to cheater dad. Priceless! What a gem.

      So glad to hear you are back home and away from the madness of expat lifestyle. I too left that scenario. I know how messed up it is. I know the life those expat men lead. I know the shit sandwiches the wives have to keep eating. I got out. Same as you. Thank goodness!!

      Hope you keep enjoying that lovely life you have created for yourself. Cheater will keep roaming the planet, going from country to country picking up bargirls or the like. While I’m on that – get the divorce settlement sorted ASAP so you can rid yourself of him completely. This “sending money per month” thing is bullshit. Trust me, I know!

    • You ARE strong and beautiful! Oh my goodness – what a beautiful story. He can’t feel special around such strength and integrity – because he has none of that. He will never have that because they are just big cowards.

  • Despite having decided 6 months prior, he actually told me 24 hours before a sporting event that I had been training for all year, and that time was running out for me to take part in due to age.
    With the help of a very good friend and a great support crew, I took part telling myself “one step at a time” , …I’ll just get there, I’ll just get ready, I’ll just do the first stage.
    I did it, I compleated, I excelled, I will not be beaten.

  • He was physically present during our family Easter celebration but was on his phone the entire time. I kept getting eyeballs from my mom and his evil vibes were making my family very uncomfortable. I asked him what he’s doing and he said looking for things to buy on Craigslist. He was messaging the other woman the entire time from the Easter dinner table.
    He also ruined my sister in laws baby shower. instead of helping me set up for the party with my parents and brothers, he drove across town to be with other woman while I was busy setting up for 50 guests.
    The day after my miscarriage he told me I’m fat, he wanted and explanation of all my recent purchases, and he doesn’t want any children.
    Basically what I’m doing to regain control is enjoy the peace and silence of no contact by not having to worry I’m being cheated on or abused while I’m busy with the things in life that actually matter.

    • Good grief; you’re well rid of such an ass. And just think what an ass the OW has acquired!

    • Ugh. One Thanksgiving we soent wuth two other families thatwere also friends who had small children. Our daughter was small at the time too (and so cute. So very cute.) Everyone went around the table saying something they were Thankful for. He was last and just said “pass.” My friend said she just about threw up in her mouth.

      On Valentines when my daughter was five he disappeared the whole weekend. No call, no text nothing.

      Daughter had gotten little cupcakes and made a card for him. She put it in front of the door so he would see it as soon as he got home. Then he didn’t show up for four days. She cried the first two days.

      I didn’t even bother trying to phone or text him. I was just….done. We separated almost immediately. I was just so done with all of that shyte. It was one thing to hurt me but a completely different animal to hurt our kid.

      • Alexandra, your poor sweet Daughter. What a terrible disappointment to experience at such a tender age.
        Your ex is one despicable piece of filth. I hope his dick falls off.

      • Oh yes.
        He didn’t want kids.

        He’s now sucking up to them because he needs them. Guilt tripping snd all

  • My ex’s cheating started ramping up about the time my son with autism started going through puberty. My previously mild-mannered child now was raging on a regular basis. I didn’t think I could handle my son on my own, so I ate the shit sandwich and kept smokin’ the hopium. And instead of stepping up, the ex starting hooking up on Craigslist. Yep, he picked a fine time to blow up our family. Fortunately, I realized that raising my son alone was better than living with a low life piece of shit who could potentially give me a life threatening STD. My son is now 18 and we are more than fine without him.

    • Same here, CCC.
      DD was 7 when he left. DD has come so far in the last three years.
      It’s just us two at home and we have peace and quiet and do as we please without The Evil One pissing and moaning about the noise, the unpredictability of her, the routine she thrives on.

  • He ruined the memory of our daughter’s 10th BDay. The day after her birthday he went back to his mistress for the final time and DDay #3. It was a snow day so he decided to work from home. I told him I was going out to shovel the snow. When I came back in about an hour later, there was a change in him. I knew instantly that he had gone back to her. I felt it in my heart. Two weeks later I caught them together. I’m no longer living in a state where I have to shovel snow- no memories there. So I won’t have to think, “The last time I did this he was talking to his mistress….” And unless I die, my daughter will never spend another Birthday with him. How utterly sad for him…really hope it was worth it.

    • Oh, snow. Actually believe that his affair was beginning in 2011. He gave me some bullshit story about a seminar (on a Saturday with a Nor’easter scheduled?) Being the ever trusting chump that I was, I believed him. I was left home alone, lost power during Storm Irene and received about one foot of snow. Shoveled the driveway next morning and he pulled around the corner just as I was finishing. Sort of remembered him looking sheepish, but, he certainly never apologized to me for not being there! I now use the new snowblower…and am proud of my independence. (The old snowblower he actually “sold” to the whore’s son before I was aware that SHE was the OW).

  • X left me when I was in the middle of a combined burn-out and depression. He told me that I had lost my sparkle and the marriage counselor that I did not give him enough attention. No, because in the few hours that I could be out of bed each day, I actually took care of the kids, the house, and the cooking. To the amazement of everyone I made rapid progress once he was out of the house. I think my celebration is everyday looking around me and thinking how amazingly well it all turned out. I wish I had a way of telling myself all those years back that indeed it would all be ok in the end.

  • Mine is illness & vacation. I had been having bizarre health issues & was diagnosed with a rare autoimmune disease (which is multiple diseases in one. Yay me!!) the previous year. The more meds the dr’s prescribes it seemed that I just got worse. We had little kids so I would drag my ass around to events & try to keep up with the ex, but would just end up horribly sick & in bed most of the time from over extending myself. He had no sympathy, always telling me I was being lazy. I can’t even tell you how many times I had to inform him that “I have a DISEASE!!” The OW knew I was sick, and they both decided to go off together & take my kids because of my illness (I was allegedly an unfit mother). That didn’t happen, and right before dday I started holistic treatment. Got off all the meds, did a complete 180 and am doing extremely well!! While the meds didn’t help my condition, I can guarantee that living with such a toxic person made me way worse than I would have been without such a douchebag pointing out how much I sucked at basically everything. So I am now healthy & happy without that horrid narc around!!

    We took 2 vacations the summer he left. One with my family to the outer banks, which we had done for several years. 2nd vacation the following month with my lifetime BFF & her family. That one was an absolute nightmare, because the affair had started & he was incomprehensibly mean to me. But then nice … it was like vacationing with Jekyll & Hyde. Told me mid-way he wanted a divorce, there was no one else but he didn’t love me & wasn’t wasting anymore of his life with me. The ocean was always my oasis & he absolutely destroyed that for me. Even hearing that friends were going on vacation brought me so much anxiety.

    This summer my family is going back to the outer banks, and my amazing boyfriend & his son are coming with the boys & I. We changed it up & are staying on the opposite side of where we used to stay, but I am ready to reclaim the ocean as my relaxing oasis!!!! I can’t wait!

    • Triumph I’m not a doctor and I don’t play one on TV, but do you think he may have been intentionally making you ill? Poisoning? I know that’s a stretch to even think about, but DD16 and I have been addicted to Forensic Files and story after story is a cheater attempting to kill the chump so they can replace them with their schmoopie.

      After watching those, I felt I was probably lucky to get out of my situation alive. The first time Dr. Cheaterpants left for howorker, I was supposed to go on a work trip (I cancelled as the kids were 2 & 4 years old and he had turned cray cray). We went to a counselor and he admitted he was praying I’d die in a plane crash. When he wanted to replace me with her, he thought he’d just move her into our home and she would take over parenting our young kids. He wondered where I’d go? Move in with my mom? I told him not so much, he’d be the one to go. He was going to get every other weekend and every Wed evening visitation. He came crawling back.

      He went further underground with his cheating until I caught him many years later with DD’s 20-something asst sports coach in the kids Catholic School. Two very suspicious secretaries in between. Scary as hell thinking they don’t want to lose everything and just think the chump is replaceable with a schmoopie.

      Congratulations on your cheater free life and reclaiming the ocean with your kiddos, boyfriend and his kid!! Awesome story of reclaiming!!!

    • They make us sick by harvesting our good energy when we don’t even know they’re doing that.
      Slowly we die. Unles we get free.

      • I truly believe that. There’s something about the chaos around the cheating, lying and stealing that creates a toxic environment that our bodies and minds respond to negatively whether we are conscious of what is going on or not. It’s amazing how much healthier I am now that the Edgar Suit is out of my life.

  • The xhole ruined my 50th birthday. I didn’t know about howorker at the time, but he was unbelievably shitty to me on that day.

    Fast forward a month to a special week-long trip for just the two of us. Behaviors that made no sense at the time became crystal clear two weeks later upon discovery of the whore.

    Last but not least (evidently least to him) was the 30th anniversary a few months later. Although we were in what I thought was reconciliation, he was plotting his exit with the whore. The whole day was a disaster and I knew in my heart it was over.

    Since the divorce, I have had a couple of wonderful birthdays and celebrations with my kids and friends, I have gone on a couple of great vacations with my kids, and the anniversary…who cares!?!

    Best wishes, Chump Nation!!

    • Excellent! Yes, when they are acting strange because they are plotting something…which in the end is their own demise in so many ways.

  • Totally off subject but for the longest time I used to sing that as “400 children and a crop in the field”. I wasn’t surprised she left!

    • Derailment, right this way—

      My favorites:

      Bingo jet had a light on (Steve Miller)

      Excuse me while I kiss this guy (Jimmy Hendrix)

      I ain’t talking bout the linen (England Dan/John Ford Coley)

      • I never could keep a straight face through ELO’s “Strange Magic” once my college buddy told me she heard “Strains My Dick.”

        • I think I was 11 or 12 the first time I heard that ELO song and I definitely thought they were saying, “Gotta strain myyyyy dick.”

              • Opposite messed up singing of lyrics: Inagodavida was actually supposed to be in the garden of Eden…baby. Rockers seriously cannot enunciate.

            • LOL, my Dad used to sing it this way!! Even once we’d corrected him, he just doubled down on it… Always looking for a bathroom on the right…

              • Lyricosis! I love it. “Big ole Jed left the light on,” and I caught someone I knew belt out ” Enema! ” instead of “Panama” (the Van Halen song). Lol!

        • These are called Mondegreens.
          It comes from a very very old folk ballad with the line,
          “They have slain the Earl of Murray, and laid him on the green.”
          Which some people heard as,
          “They have slain the Earl of Murray, and Lady Mondegreen.”

        • My son used to sing “One Eyed Girl”…and it was so funny ( he was 4 ) that I never corrected him 🙂

          • How funny, and cute.
            From now on instead of ‘Brown Eyed Girl’ I’ll be thinking of your son’s version or singing, “One Eyed Girl.”

      • I thought it was: “The floors are all gone, the sink remains. ”

        (The flaws are all gone, the saint remains) – Barry Manilow

    • That’s how I used to hear it when I was a kid, too, back in the mid-1970s,and you just beat me to posting it!

      I suspect this thread is going to get longer and longer and longer… 😉

      • “Blinded by the Light” that’s exactly how I heard it.., “Revved up like a douche in the middle of the night”

          • Blinded by the Light
            Manfred Mann, Manfred Mann’s Earth Band
            “Blinded by the light
            Revved up like a deuce
            Another runner in the night
            Blinded by the light
            Revved up like a deuce
            Another runner in the night
            Blinded by the light
            Revved up like a deuce
            Madman drummers bummers
            Indians in the summer
            With a teenage diplomat
            In the dumps with the mumps
            As the adolescent pumps
            His way into his hat
            With a boulder on my shoulder
            Feelin’ kinda older
            I tripped the merry-go-round….”

    • These are referred to as “mondregreens.” Misheard lyrics. Very funny! Look it up on the internet.
      My favorite is Bob Dylan’s “the ants are my friends, they’re blowin’ in the wind.”

    • Lol. When I was little, I thought Tiny Dancer was Tony Danza (I’m dating myself, I know).
      “Hold me closer Tony Danza”….

      • It was Elton John who sang Tiny Dancer….there’s a damned good chance that’s who he WAS singing to! In the late 1990’s/early 2000s, my son found me laughing my a$$ off reading from KISS THIS GUY website where ppl posted their own Mondegreen moments . . What they THOUGHT they heard and where they were & with whom when they realized they had been wrong all along. Hilarious!
        BTW, Jimi Hendrix used to sing “Kiss this guy” sometimes just to mess w people. Loce it! Ahh, CN you make laugh again after I thought i might never again. Love y’all!

    • My dad took me and my friends prom dress shopping in the early 80’s and the song “Freeze Frame” by the J. Geils Band was playing in the store. Pops walked over to us and said, “Why are they singing about flea spray?”

    • I was dumped two weeks before Christmas Eve our families favorite celebration. My clothes dumped in
      My living room in a heaping pile and my daughter removed a week later to NO CONTACT! He has is a sick son of a bitch! The red flags were everywhere but I ignored them

  • I went to college on a football scholarship, but got hurt and never finished my degree. I only lacked 12 hours. It started nagging on me as I got older due to me never being a quitter.

    25 years later, I started taking classes online. Did my work on my lunch break. Finished one course, then took another.

    The day my degree arrived in the mail was D-day #1.

    My attitude is that…..although I got taken to the cleaners….that was the one thing that she and her vacuum cleaner attorney weren’t able to take away.

    • I could have walked the stage, but chose not to because I would have had to take off work for a day. I am all about responsibilities.

      • Donkey ruined my Warrant Ceremony. Taking the degree was part of taking my life back after a ‘reconciliation’. We were supposed to go together (proud familymoment), then he called to say he’d meet me at the venue with our then 9 y.o., but instead of turning up called again to say he had fixed an unexpected game of tennis and I had to come and pick up our son from the Country Club. I had to put my phone on silent, as he kept ringing for me to come NOW! I walked up for my Licence award with the phone left vibrating on the chair. He was furious with my selfishness and didn’t speak to me for a few weeks.

        I don’t know what I can do to take the day back. Maybe another Masters, or maybe the final undeniable realisation that Donkey is a hopeless narc is enough.

  • I destroyed journals from before I met him that acknowledged my interactions with others because he was such a timid forest creature and it made Him feel like he wasn’t goood enough that I had a past. The fact that they were from before we met, before we dated, also dealt with all of my life not just dalliances… none of that mattered, his feelings were first. Foremost. The only thing that mattered. If he felt more secure because I threw out paper I was willing to do it.

    Now I am bereft that I lost memories forever. Not even close to being about the guys in the book related. Stories about family and friends. Poems from my 20s. I have the mind of a goldfish I barely remember last weeks episode of ‘this is us’ I have no clue the joy and pain I have forgotten because of those discarded journals that meant nothing to me if they helped him.

    And now. Now I have two journals. One that is a 5 year 5 lines per day serial to remember “this day”. And then I have a journal for just rambling and poetry and scribbling and hate writing FUCK FUCK FUCK if I want… and no one will ever take them away from me.

    Ass fucker.

    • I started a blog, so that I could write what I wanted and recount stories and also tales of his behaviour. I didn’t do it for that reason but someday when my boys are older and want to read it they will see just some of what I went through. It’s not all doom and gloom – it’s about my life and my family’s – but there are a few home truths about him too.

      • I also have a blog and it’s locked down right, only a handful of people with panic disorders and have been cheated on have access…

        • Oh mine is open to anyone but you wouldn’t find it easily, and as I say it isn’t about him (why give him the attention) but he doesn’t come out of it smelling of roses. That being said, if he saw it he would probably have a coronary – now there’s an idea. I have actually showed it to my kids and told them I have put a few home truths in it about their dad. My daughter-in-law just smiled and said “he can write his own blog if he doesn’t like it”!

  • Thanks to Tracy’s brilliant idea, I am “taking back” back Valentine’s Day, the day I got married. Since the betrayal and divorce, it has been a tough holiday. Next year, I am meeting someone special in Houston and I am going to make it brand new and cheater-memory-free. Can’t wait! 💜

    • Got married on VD and discovered X’s cheating on the same day, 25 years later. What a wonderful silver anniversary. Not. I have never done anything to “take it back.” Thanks, but no thanks. Instead, I have taken back my life every day of the year. I now view VD with great cynicism for obvious reasons.

      What is it with cheaters and holidays?

      • I get it, @violet. I really do.

        But, now almost 6 years out from DDay and the Divorce, I am done allowing him to have ANY say so whatsoever… I am taking every single moment back and I won’t allow him to interfere with my happiness ever again.

        ((hug))

    • I am fresh to chump land – he didn’t come back to hotel one night over the Easter holiday we were on in Thailand, came back covered in lipstick and then gaslighted me that I was crazy for thinking he had cheated when he just slept on the beach.
      I hacked his Facebook and saw a friend request accepted and said I was so drunk I can’t remember – did we sleep together or just kiss.
      Thai person confirmed sex and then tried to arrange to meet.
      I took screenshots and he is still trying to deny.
      So Easter is meant to be a time for new beginnings right? Just like Jesus rose from the dead I am taking back my life!!

      Have tried going NC but his family keep messaging me about how they are worried he is going to kill himself etc.

      I read the article re 3 modes: rage, self-pity and charm and he has been cycling through them so fast sometimes in the space of a minute!

      My dad died after having 2 strokes and a long ICU stay and this the first time in our relationship that I wasn’t there to meet his every need and he had a tantrum.

      As for timing: this has been the most stressful year – my dad died, my step mum is using his ashes to try to extort money from me, a place I worked for employed a dodgy surgeon and by association my reputation has been damaged and they didn’t pay me thousands owing to me, I have an ex patient who is a neo nazi and in the military who has been stalking me, and I’ve had 3 miscarriages and one was when I got really sick with influenza and needed to be hospitalised while pregnant

      But do you want to know something? I feel positive and optimistic and I know I’ll get through this.
      I refuse to give in to self pity/ martyrdom and I am going to change my story to one where this is something I look back on and say – my life was once full of toxic drama – but now that seems like another person’s life.

      • Oh my gosh Chunperoo, what a terrible year! I hope you have a great therapist and lots of loving support to get you through to your happy cheater free life!

        • Thanks KarenE,
          It being so fresh I have ups and downs but it’s weird because without telling my friends suddenly I was getting a lot of people reaching out and I ended up telling them and they have helped immensely.
          I will find a great therapist as well.

          • Chumperoo…you mean just this part Easter? Woa….suckfest.

            Please dont let him gaslight you into believing he didnt do what you know he did…he is revealing a great deal abut himself by how he is handling this. Many years ago, my nowdeadcheater came home with a severe injury and a tall tale about how he got it and I believed him (hook, line, & sinker –he had a broken kneecap…probs the kind of injury you get when you are caught fucking someones wife). I didint admit to myself for years that it was probs cheating.

            Sorry too about your pregnancy losses…that is hard

  • Hand raised for pregnant at cheating time 🤰👶
    I do believe that cheater, being the all important, self serving, narc, would cheat whenever he felt the desire to cheat, as tiny child, pregnant wife weren’t even on his mind, weren’t a part of his world, when his eyes, and his genitals, came into contact with that absolutely perfect OW!
    Wow, that was a looooong run on sentence. Matches the loooooong run on piss off!

    Hugs and understanding to all CN!

    • Mine left 2 months after our planned 2nd child. Technically he wanted to stay to “help out” aka impression management. Cause he couldn’t just move in with her. That would be obvious homeerecking. He planned to separate and “start dating” his co worker whom he had already been seeing for 6 months. The scheming and plotting that was involved is disgusting. He admitted to other affairs when he announced separation. He was keeping the current one secret to protect her name. When I found out about current ow through snooping he went ahead and openly moved in with her. 🤮

    • Another one here cheated on whole pregnant. Caused me so much shame and anguish. My first child too. It made it so I had trouble bonding with her the first little while. I hadn’t even had the chance of having the illusion of the untainted happy little family either. Not for five minutes. I was so freaked that the stress over the whole thing would do something to the baby, or I might miscarry. (I was 8 months pregnant when I found out PLUS he slept with me after cheating so there’s wondering if I’ve got an STD. He denied anything physical for eight years. But I didn’t believe it fully and it turns out he had screwed a hooker! And then slept with me, pregnant wife!)

      He also wrecked EVERY SINGLE HOLIDAY for years. Every single one. One time he dumped me on my birthday.

      I remember him freaking right out on me at Mother’s Day. Even telling me to stay home because he and our daughter were going to go to the Mother’s Day brunch with my parents but I should stay home. Ha. My Dad is an older cheater too, but my Dad couldn’t stand my husband. (My Dad also wrecked holidays and spent most of them drunk freaking out on people.) I think my Dad would have sent my husband to sit in the car. Probably loudly. Probably in front of everyone.

      • I forgot this:

        What did I do to take it back?

        Well when I got surprise pregnant wuth kid 2 I laid down the law in it’s entirety.

        I told him point-blank: I am not living like this anymore. Get your arse to treatment and if there’s even a whiff of issues I’m done. Not “I have to catch you in the act” or “a jury of your peers has to figure out if you were on Craigslist trying to get a BJ.”

        ANYTHING that makes me suspicious or feel unsafe and you’re toast. Kid one went so garbage and I’m not dragging kid 2 through getting all attached to you only to have Dad act like a magician and disappear after pulling a six-pack out of his hat.

        Plus he had to read The Verbally Abusive Relationship. And attend MC with me. We attended weekly for two years.

        Now we have the Holiday Tree in the living room. The kids wanted the tree to stay up after Christmas. So we decorate it for every holiday.
        There’s been a Valentines Tree, a St. Patrick’s Tree, a Birthday tree and an Easter Tree. I like doing it. It’s cute and fun. It’s also a pretty cheap way to do the holidays.

        I still haven’t really “taken back” Christmas. My Dad was his most abusive on Christmas growing up so most years I spent about six weeks listening to Christmas music everywhere feeling triggered as heck. Then my husband cheated on me CHRISTMAS DAY with the hooker. The same day he got his sexsearch account. I doubt it was ever a singular incident. I’m not at meh about Christmas yet.

      • I used to wonder why holidays were so stressful. What happened to the Worm that every holiday and/vacation would put him in such a foul mood. Now I realize it was the holiday cutting into his “me time”.
        As I said before Worm used my son’s rehab to justify his antics.
        It doesn’t get much lower than blaming your child’s behavior for cheating on your wife.
        I other news, we have reached a settlement agreement, I really will
        be Worm free soon!!!!

    • I believe the very worst is to raise step-children for 21 years, only to find out that while you were working overtime to buy prom dresses, paying for college tuition, helping with homework, etc…..their Dogshit mother was out screwing around while letting you parent.

      It’s a double kick in the balls, though when you have to realize you were doing the job for two piece of shit parents.

      • SuperDuperChump That just makes you a very special person. Do not feel duped feel proud that you were able to give those poor kids one sane parent in the mess they were given with those two parents.

        Special place in heaven for a man who love step children. My son21 told me one time that he wishes I could meet a man that would love me, him and his brother like family. That one got to me.

        • Yes, this. SDC, Way to be mighty. Those kids were absolutely saved, and your modeling what it’s like to be a good parent will heavily influence their lives down the road, ask me how I know. Anyone who supports higher education is a hero in my book because you have given them a future. Those kids will look at their dysfunctional biological folks and choose what NOT to do. Then they will look to your actions and know that it was your sacrifices that mattered in their lives. Great legacy to leave any child with.

      • Yes, but you did the noble thing by those children. You were a stand up guy and can be proud of your behaviour. They can’t.

  • He cheated during both pregnancies. How I took that back (even though I was not aware, back then, that he was cheating, but only aware that I was alone and sad, and that he was either gone or angry): rocked motherhood. Love those kids, am close to them, and he will never, ever get how that happened or why they do not worship him.

    Every holiday or getaway ruined by one of his tantrums. How I am taking that back: no more holidays or getaways with him ever again, which is a total relief. I have been sad on holidays since dday, but also very relieved and hopeful. The kids choose to be with me, nobody yells, and it is all quite lovely. I expect that these times will get better and better, and that the sadness will continue to fade.

    Dday on the wedding anniversary. How I am taking that back: That was the day my kids gave me my freedom. As I tell them, they gave Dobby a sock! So, it is a day to celebrate the beginning of life outside of that terrible prison, and a day free of the confusion of flowers and gifts from the abusive cheater. Last year, I spent most of the day outside, walking and reading, and bought myself a cute pair of handmade earrings at an art fair. This year, I hope to be closer to final divorce. Next year and every year thereafter, I will simply be free.

    One of his OW at least claimed to share my birthday, which meant that he took her out on my bday a few times. How I am taking that back: I am now pretty sure that is not actually her bday. I know that she has long since descended into alcoholism and drug addiction, lost her marriage and family, and moved far away. She has a string of legal issues, and an outstanding warrant for bail jumping. I remember that once, long ago, before I understood what was going on, she looked me up and down dismissively at a dressy corporate event, and sniffed that “*Nice*is *so* overrated.” Yeah, well, I have never been arrested for stealing aerosols from the drugstore, then huffing them in the parking lot, then passing out behind the store’s dumpster. I have never been booted off of a plane for intoxication. I have never missed a child’s graduation because I went off on a bender and went missing for days. May her birthdays–on whatever day those might actually fall–always be as nice as she deserves.

    He cultivated an image as a good Catholic boy from a good Catholic family. I converted. Raised my kids Catholic. Turns out, he cares zero about faith or morals or marriage as sacrament or anything higher than his own desires of the moment. How I am taking that back: Discovered that he broke a totally arcane rule in marrying me. This means that annulment can be pretty much instant upon completion of civil divorce. Yay to that. Is it a symbolic gesture? Sure, but those are meaningful to me, and it will feel good to be freed from the marriage bond in every way. The priest who walked me through all of that–and said that I should consider myself free, even now–is a gem. I love a nerd who knows all of the arcane rules, but is also practical and compassionate.

    • Cashmere I went back to my maiden name. It didn’t matter to me that my boys and I now have different last names. They’re old enough to know why and they certainly understand. The Twat was stunned when he found out – yeah, like I want to keep any nominal attachment to you you dickhead!

      • I took my mother’s maiden name at the divorce from exh2, to honor my grandparents that meant so much to me growing up.
        The Evil One’s last name literally means “shit” in German or “asshole” can’t remember which…
        So glad I dumped that shithead’s name.
        I’m.pretty well-known in the area being a teacher, so I can only imagine how much it annoys Mrs. Dumbass (his OWIFE) to have to clarify when asked, “Are you the Mrs. ________ that teaches or taught at ______!?”
        🤣😅

        • I vacillate on the name change. Lose his tainted name, or keep it for solidarity with the kids, and enjoy allowing the schmoops to be bugged by writing checks to Mrs. Cheater 1.0.

          Decisions, decisions.

          • I went back to my maiden name. My youngest (daughter) also changed her last name to my maiden name. My oldest (son) kept his dad’s name. I am incredibly close to both of my kids. It hasn’t made a bit of difference that I have a different last name from my son. He knows why I changed it. My daughter gets more questions about the name change than I do but she is happy to tell anyone who asks that she disinherited her sperm donor. 😀

            • My oldest two are 7 and 4 now and both got sad when they realized I’d be changing my name when I got married. Their discomfort with the idea of a name change is why I didn’t go back to my maiden name post-separation. Just another painful experience brought to them by their father.

          • Hahahhaaa, yeah, I know, right?!?!? He’s of Serbian descent, so either way his name’s meaning is so accurate!!!!

    • Gave you a sock…Dobby is free!!!
      I still cry when I read that part, damn elf…
      No offense meant to @ChumpyElf !!!

    • I had a birthday D-day, which was just par for the course. I had crappy birthdays throughout my life so it didn’t surprise me the day that anonymous email showed up with a photo of Narkles the Clown and the Flying Whore. May the person who sent it someday know how much I love them. Maybe not at first but now, that person is my hero!

      Like you cashmere, I am simply free. I live Nina Simone lyrics “sleep in peace when day is done.” No more manipulation, gas lighting and hyper vigilance from the years of PTSD. There is constant happiness, and light and contentment, and peace. I wake up thankful every morning.

      As for my actual birthday. This year I will celebrate three years of living in the truth. I will buy myself a small piece of jewelry from a company that has meaning to me. I did it last year and as something to focus on two years ago. The baubles remind me every day that I am strong, I can survive and in the end, be beautiful.

  • This is going to come off as a very #firstworldproblems post but I think it is indicative of the narcissistic behaviour I had dealt with for years. In the midst of planning renovations on our home (long-awaited since there was always a motorcycle or audio component that he just had to have) and planning a well-deserved Christmas trip away, I had my second round of D-day (at a hockey game with all five of us that I arranged for his birthday where I caught him texting his girlfriend the kissy face emoji – could he be more “middle school”?).

    Here I thought we were finally “connecting” (he always told me I was impossible to connect to which was a trigger to dance harder for him), enjoying the fruits of our hard-fought effort to balance full-time work and three active children and making a home that we could all enjoy. Well after a few months of trying to understand why he would be pursing this future with me while at the same time managing his own side piece and dealing with his narcissistic rages any time I asked him to put the OW aside, I finally gave my head a shake and kicked him out.

    The irony was (and this is the magical thinking of these a-holes), he still wanted to go forward with the renovation (for the kids) – he urged me to move in with him and his parents as we awaited the four to five month overhaul in the midst of this gong show. It was probably that idea (more than the tens of thousands of dollars it was going to cost as we headed towards divorce) that reinforced that this guy was delusional (and it was likely a ploy to get me back under his control).

    CL challenged us to say how we are going to overcome… Well I am going to extricate myself from him financially (he loves to wield that control) and my dad has offered to come out for an extended stay and do all the work himself next winter. This will save me any amount of money, I will be able to re-connect with my dad (which is another story) and all of this will be mine and my kids alone. His taint will be off this house and his toxicity a distant memory for me and the kids.

    • Mine started his affair right when we bought this house. Just another one of those things that seems to be common with these people. They actively BUILD and actively DESTROY at the same damn time. Our chumpy selves think the “building” part means that “deep down” they want to stay with their spouse and families. But what the “building” part really means is that “shallowly down” they want to do whatever makes them feel good for the next five minutes.

      So what did I do to reclaim it? I did stay in this house for a couple of years. I redecorated my bedroom and made it my own sanctuary, which was really nice. But ultimately, I’m selling this place and getting the fuck out of here. I have nothing but horrible memories of living here and it’s time for a brand new life, head to toe.

      • Oh yeah one more thing: He dropped the bomb the day we took our son to college. So yeah completely ruined that for me. His defense? Well, there’s never a good time. Yeah asshole, but you could have picked some random day. Fucking jerk.

        • Well it’s obvious really why they do this. They have no depth. They can easily blank one situation when they are focusing on another. And they use that on us. ie: if chump is focused on graduation/child/Reno/exams I can hide/manipulate/ impression manage easier.

      • Yes, mine had his affair during a major add-on & renovation of the house PLUS getting a puppy.
        While I was picking out stainless steel kitchen appliance, he was balls-deep in gradwhore.

        • That is so common, I would add purposefully done. My ex bought expensive puppy to keep me busier while he fucked around. Like I didn’t have enough to do with 2 kids, one was stepson, fulltime job, etc. Loser.

        • @struggling and @kiwichump – This sentence stood out for me too: “They actively BUILD and actively DESTROY at the same damn time.” It’s no wonder that I struggled with such cognitive dissonance for so long because surely you wouldn’t send emails encouraging us to connect more, plan a family vacation and sign off on building permits / plans if you didn’t want to devote yourself to me and your family. SMDH.

          • I was also thrown away with such messages. His active “Let’s have a baby, relocate, renovate” while being balls deep in the affair that started 3 years before we met and never really ended as I discovered 10 years after. He was always involved with his married “love of his life” meeting with her in other countries while keeping his menu full with occasional short flings here and there. And me, the trusting wife, in another compartment.

        • So true! I was in the midst of writing complicated lucrative genetics contracts when he brought his child lover into our work place. At that point I started to unpackage my love my devotion and my direction. 15 months on from DDay; wish I had found CL sooner! I am already better off emotionally; will be okay financially but I am broken in ways I can’t fix. Burned in places that don’t heal. I am 60 – not where I thought I would’ve now; but grateful for some personal determination on the 3rd stage of my life. Thank you Tracy! Good luck to everyone out there. We are all better than the shit sandwich we were handed! All I can say is don’t eat it! There is a dawn beyond the darkness!!

          • Ozzie chump, I hear you loud and clear. Thanks for a way to describe things. The midlife dump leaves us cracked open with that feeling that we will never heal. I can tell you that I’m about 2.5 years out now from the demolition of my life for a 25 year old (and then a 26 year old) and my life is rebuilding and better in all ways but deep down in my heart where there is a burn that will never heal. My life keeps getting better, the raw spot, not so much, but buried deeper. That whole giving up the life you thought you’d have for the one you do and seeing that it’s good!

      • Struggling – Build and destroy, wow – exactly….. We did some remodeling on the house. Bought new furniture. Then he bought an expensive surround sound Christmas two years ago – put in up (the bar is crooked as he had gone back to getting loaded while trying to get me to drink, too) and then went off to spend the night with coworker. Looking back, though, I realize he had been cheating all through our 10 year marriage. But, yeah, renovating the house and then he moved in with his gf. But it worked out good because now that I have the house, all the major stuff has been taken care of, so so far not much to deal with. The electrical panel in the stove went out, so I just got a toaster oven. The burners still work on the stove. I’m expecting the washer and dryer to go out any day as they’re 9 years old…. but there’s always the laundromat.
        No, there is no depth there. They are as shallow as they come. He doesn’t really care about the gf – showed her naked pictures to his friends. She’s a ‘trophy.’ A thing. An object to him.

    • Kibbled Again,
      I love stories with a happy ending.
      YOU are an inspiration to all.
      Please hug your Dad for me.
      Thank you for the heart warming smile today!
      YOU are Mighty!

    • So sorry. But the kissy face emoji! That made me smile. Mine was the same. Sent the kissy face all the time to the OW. Same play book 🙁

      • Just gross. I wince every time I see that in a text now from one of my kids (even if they are doing it in the nicest of ways)…

        • The Kissy Faced emoji? Maybe with 2 hearts for eyes too. And, maybe repeated with glass of wine emoji, cheese, etc. Oddly funny and very strange, especially if one is married and difference in ages. Seriously – 7th Grade speak. I mean, I DO admit sending a one lip heart on a smily face to my good married friend who gladly offered to move in my house and….dog sit while I got into hospital. His wife may come too. So, that was a well deserved personal kiss.

      • Mine would send pictures of each other with their tongues sticking out. What is that? A millennial thing. So embarrassing.

        • winky faces. I fucking hate them now after having seen so many exchanged between them in “work” correspondence.

          • I swear they must have secret meetings to coordinate this insanity. Why are so many cheaters the same?

            Mine started using LOL at the end of every sentence in our texts to each other. After D Day it occurred to me that that oddity had been another red flag I’d missed. She did it, so he had started doing it. I playfully pointed out to him (while still blissfully unaware of his bagdouchery) that he was overusing it.

            Me: Honey, you can’t possibly be ‘laughing out loud’ because you’re not sure which bagged salad I’d wanted you to get at Trader Joe’s.
            Honey: (just stared at me with lifeless shark eyes).

            I didn’t realize it at the time but I’d just inadvertently insulted he and HomeWrecker’s special little ‘thing’. Yep. Texting lol to each other after pretty much every sentence like idiots.

            I bet they went something like this:
            Honey: Told my wife I was out with the guys. She bought it LOL.
            H Dubs: I’ll bring the frito casserole you bring the condoms LOL.

            Gag.

            • Donkey started ‘LOL’ing me too. As in ‘I went to the Post Office, LOL’. Then I found stupid messages he and schmoopie had been exchanging, “Ooooh, lets match out outfits, LOL” etc. I pointed out to him that he’s over 50, not 12, ffs.

            • Cheater and his AP dressed in matching athletic outfits, color co-ordinated with matching white caps or visors.
              X fell in love with her because she’s a triathlete, guess who decided he needed to be a triathlete/cyclist/ swimmer?
              Arrogant and entitled, cheater and AP prancing about, giggling like schoolgirls in their matching spandex. GOL! = Gag out loud..

              ‘lol’. “k”
              Overuse and just weird for a middle aged man to be texting like an adolescent “k”

              Texting like a middle school aged girl along with other behavior changes had me wondering if it could be symptoms of “midlife crisis” or experimenting with his feminine side. I had been brainwashed after listening to his endless lectures telling me how much more honest he is than everyone else, reminding me that I was lucky to be married to a man of integrity.
              People who are honest and have integrity don’t need to tell people, actions speak louder than words. ‘k’

          • I received two texts that were sopposed to go to his whore, whoops!
            I wonder if other chumps got those too.
            Good Friday humor!

            • Letitsnow – Dummy sent texts to our daughter meant for his gf. Dummy and OW had a baby. Dummy texted our daughter, “Our son will ride.” Meaning ride motorcycles.
              He had given our daughter his ipad. The photo section was connected to his camera. I picked it up one day and there are all these naked pictures of OW. I’m just glad our daughter didn’t have to see that. They are so stupid.

              • He texted “don’t bother making curry anymore, got something else for ya”, during a time when he was withholding affection and sex from me……..I think he was too embarrassed to say anything when it went to me instead of her, haha dumbass!

            • Omg yes. It was on this horrific day after he’d left me with our babies and just moved away. We were at a child’s birthday party where I felt like I stuck out like a sore thumb as a single mom, and after my toddler fell face first down a flight of metal slide stairs. He accidentally texted me ‘I love you, baby!’

              The humiliation, rage, despair and trauma that brought me cannot be overstated. I wrote a post about my reply to him. Please feel free to read it if you’d like to hop aboard the S.S. Shitshow that somehow became my life.

              https://honeyandthehomewrecker.com/2015/04/20/you-dont-know-the-meaning-of-the-word/

              • I just read your blog. They’re all the same. Can I say that I’m jealous that yours actually responded with “I’m sorry”. Mine meant to send the “I love you” text to the 21yr old babysitter he left me for (and who I invited into our house) and I responded with a short “I dont think this meant for me” and he responded with “wrong number”

              • Honeyandthehomewrecker,
                I just read your post and clicked on your sad happening when your daughter injured herself at the birthday party.
                Sending you many many hugs.
                As a mom of a three year old and in first trimester pregnancy at DDay time I pick me danced, he stayed. I believe he stayed for selfishh reasons, but he was there for the children some time, not in good ways many many times, but I loved him and I wanted him there for the children.
                I am so so sorry . I don’t know what else to say, but I want you to know that I truly feel your pain, as there were many many times when eventhough he was there, he really wasn’t there.
                Only a mother can understand what I am trying to say.
                Your story will remain in my heart forever.
                Xxxxxx to you and your precious daughter and son.

      • Cheater’s texts sounded like they were written by a teenage girl, cute little smileys, and at the end of every sentence “K,” other cutesy “codes,” I couldn’t believe they were texts written by an adult let alone written my husband. I was almost embarrassed for him.

        Kibbled, I wince too whenever I see “K” fortunately I don’t know anyone who uses “k” in their texts to me. I would have unfriend any male who did. It just doesn’t sit right with me.

        • The OW always used the term “lover” this and “oh, lover” that. When I heard her voice on a message, despite my horror and sadness, I literally laughed out loud. It was a nasally cross between a flat, Chicago/mid-western accent and a grating, harsh Boston accent (no offense to mid-westerners or New Englander’s — it’s the mash up). Add to that she was snorting and sniffing loudly throughout the entire sexual-innuedno laden message: “Oh, lover, SNIFF SNIFF SNORT GURGLE “I had a yoga class today and I’m sooooooo…” SNIFF, THROAT CLEARING “…..sore! Haha heehee!” SNORT! SNIFF! “I can’t wait for my massage…. hahahaha…” SNORT, SNIFF, GURGLE ” and your soothing tongue skills…..lover!” SNIFF!!!!

          Sexy mom of three everyone…..sexy mom of three. You can’t make this stuff up

    • I think that’s a great idea, to re-establish a relationship with a parent who has your back. Obviously I have no idea why the relationship got strained to start with, but assuming he’s a decent guy who wants the best for you, then well done to you for not being too proud and in denial to accept genuinely-meant offers of help. People love to feel they can help and for some of us, the emotional stuff isn’t easy, but we are all over practical assistance… just need directing!

      Let this be an entirely new, financially-independent chapter for you x

      • Didn’t have a relationship after my parents’ divorce from the time I was 12 to 30 (there was quite a bit of alienation going on by my mother and he didn’t have the persistence to drive for maintaining our connection – never could understand that once I became a parent myself). To his credit (even if he truly is just a “holiday dad”, he is consistently engaged in the lives of me and my kids. With the dissolution of my marriage, he has truly “shown up” (and he also learned not to tell me that divorce was a 50-50 thing – I didn’t cheat nor act like a jackass to my wife and kids on the way out the door). I am grateful (and I think he might be too) that he can help when the chips are down to effectively make up for the 18 year absence.

        • Nice to have him in the NOW. Perhaps dad has matured and is seeing the big picture in life now. That can happen with people.

  • The Twat could occasionally do nice things – but I quickly learned not to look forward to them as he would inevitably ruin them. He once came home with tickets to see Celine Dion in Nice, so I planned out the route (about 8 hours) and booked a reasonable hotel. He was furious because he wanted to go in our camper, but through Italy (the quickest way) would have probably taken 12-13 hours and we still had to make it later that evening to the concert. We stood EVERY chance of not making it all. That Friday night he went out drinking (what’s new) KNOWING we would have to set off very early for Nice the next morning. Came home roaring drunk around 5 a.m. and was again furious when I said we had to set off immediately. I was going to drive (he was still drunk but could sleep in the car). We made it about 5 km when he “went off on one” and jumped out the car. I turned round and went home where I found 3 hidden empty bottles of rosé wine and some totally incomprehensible notes about how I shouldn’t “smudge him, or don’t pudge me” (bear in mind he was drunk). So I called the hotel and cancelled, stuck the notes in the empty bottles and left them on the table and taped the tickets to the bedroom door – then went out and left him to it. Everything was all cleared up when I got home but I never got to see Celine. That was one of the first times I actually cried in utter despair – not because of the concert but because of what I was married to.

    • Awww.
      I totally feel you in the whole comment!

      I found that whenever I felt vulnerable about anything or had any kind of fear it was like he would aim at it like a target.

      You think you’re with someone that loves and protects you then you find out you are in their line of fire! So very painful. The exact opposite of sharing a life together.

        • Mitz, your friends comment “this person doesn’t have your best interest in mind” says it all.

          Wise words, wish I had read this during the early days of my life imploding.

  • DD #1 was on our one year wedding anniversary. I was wrecked. Stayed, pick me dance, untangled the skein, the whole nine yards. What I’ve come to realize, after DD#2 in January this year, is that this guy is just a twat. A broken asshole I don’t need any longer.

    I have a few Christmas ornaments with our wedding date engraved. I’m throwing those out, and maybe I’ll treat myself to some engraving of my divorce date. I am finally at a spot where I am saying, “I deserve better than this narcissistic piece of shit.” I married him for his potential, not for who he really is.

    And now it’s time to work on me 🙂

  • It was completely unintentional, but I took back July 23rd. On 7/23/15, Rhys got back from his trip (which included vacation with Annie), told me he hadn’t missed me at all, and I dumped his ass. On 7/23/16, I had been seeing Ben for three months, and we had a lovely anniversary date at the Baltimore Aquarium. Sometimes it’s good that you forget, and then when it hits you, you can have a little chuckle later.

  • Doctor: Congratulations on your daughter being blessed with Autism, now you know you can help her have an amazing and fulfilled life and her potential is limitless as she is super bright too.
    Now-Ex: Sunday dinner seems like an amazing time to start beating my family with no notice or provocation.

    Now, we have whatever we want for Sunday dinner, never roast chicken & spuds, but curries, Italian, hotdogs, bbq or cereal if we just don’t fancy it. And nobody is allowed in our circle if they’re belligerent or arrogant. Took back our Sundays for sure. They’re happy days now.

    • Know what you mean – I took back the weekends. I used to start shaking Friday night because I didn’t want to go home – because I knew sometime that weekend I would be “in for it”. I also took back eating things that the Great I Am didn’t like. Oh I wasn’t allowed to servet them because he didn’t like them – he couldn’t have just decided not to have any.

      • Oh I remember hating weekends and going home. Sometimes I would sit in my car just dreading going in.

        • I did this for years until my oldest was born. It never even occurred to me that this was a sign that something was wrong. Now if I sit in the driveway it’s because my audiobook is really exciting!

        • Friends could tell if X was home by the tone of my voice. they said I sounded so much more relaxed when he was away.
          He worked on call but rarely got called out to go to work, when I’d her him answer the phone and hear he was being called out, I felt my body relax as he walked out the door, finally, a well deserved break.
          I remember the feeling of dread increasing as the day of his arrival home came closer. My stomach would sink seeing him walk though the front door. It would only be a few minutes before his complaining would commence, who left that glass on the counter? why don’t you try peeling potatoes this way? you’re making tacos? uh, well, okay.., is this how you load a dishwasher? My son would get his share as well, “did you ask for that’? (a bag drink) come down here, have you cleaned up after the dogs today? let me show you how to pick up dog shit.., Then X would go into a long drawn out lecture on how to pick up dog shit.
          X would hear a song on TV, oh, oh, turn that up, we used to play that in band,,, then we had to endure watching him play the air bells or air drums, which would take him down memory lane, we’d have to endure listening to one of his dull high school stories that we’ve heard a million times. He was the best drummer, blah, blah, everyone liked him, then there was the time when I was on the cross country team..,
          I’d ask him to empty the garbage, not right now, I’d get the angry glare.., I’m sharing a story from my past for my son, yeah, right…
          We had heard the story so many times we could repeat it word for word as if we were there.

          Friends who called could tell if X was home by the tone of my voice.

    • Same here.
      Exh2/The Evil One and I were together about 5 years when I got pregnant with DD. When she was 2, she was diagnosed with PDD-NOS. I went into full-on Momma gonna do everything she can for DD. TEO retreated into “why me??? The *one* time I decide to have a kid, and she turns out to be defective”
      He then ramped up his time away from home, not ever wanting to do anything as a family.
      He announced he was “done” 5 years later.
      His OWife has two typical kids that he prefers to be full-time daddy to.
      Meanwhile, DD has thrived since he left. She has come miles from where she was when he left.
      What he thought would break us, actually made us stronger. She opposes going every other weekend, she doesn’t ask for him it anything.
      ((((((Hugs))))))

  • After my appendix burst and I went septic, the doctors told my cheater that they did not know if I would live or die. Cheater then met her AP in a grocery store parking lot and let him impregnate her. While I lay near death in the hospital.

    That was the beginning of the end of my torment though. I was hospitalized so long that I knew I could not be the father bc of the timing. Until then I was buying her gas lighting routine.

  • Mine told me he was cheating on our daughters 8th birthday. I’ll just celebrate her birthday without him.

    He told me he was leaving me on MY birthday. Well, it’s my birthday, so fuck him.

    He filed for divorce in the anniversary of when we laid our son to rest. Not sure how to “reclaim” that one, but not even that was sacred.

    Oh… and in the 1st anniversary of our divorce? I got served with a summons to show up in court and answer for the charges of assault on Mrs. Twatwaffles ( she said she was tired of me calling her a whore. I said she WAS a whore. A big, fat, ugly whore. And then I touched her arm to move her out of my way.) and trespassing for picking up my kids at his place.

    I plan to reclaim that day by winning. Fuck them both.

        • Good luck! I’ve had some legal kerfuffles about what I have said about my X. In my state, the truth is OK, but no editorializing. So maybe you could say that you are sorry for saying that she is big, fat, and ugly because those are just your personal opinions, but you believe the “whore” moniker is really a statement of fact. Statements of fact can be OK especially if you show the judge a calm and rational demeanor when you are in court.

      • Sunflower,
        I am sorry to hear that you have gone through all this. I admire your self-restraint!

    • OMG. There are some stories here that just make me feel murderous. This is one of them. I can’t wait to hear how you kicked their asses, Sunflower. And you will. Big, big {{{hugs}}} to you.

    • I wish you could counter charge her for assaulting your life. Good luck. I hope the judge laughs her out of court. Do you have a good lawyer?

      At least my ex drops off and picks up kids at my place. He is trying to pressure me into being cordial towards Schmoopie so he can have her with him if we happen to be in the same place at the same time (kid events mostly). Doesn’t he realize what a really bad idea it would be for us to be together in the same room?

  • Kenny Rogers can kiss my West Texas, Country Boy ass.

    Not only does he sing those corny love ballads, he also sings a “RIC blame the chump for unmet needs” piece of garbage titled “Daytime Friends and Nighttime Lovers.”

    When that piece of crap comes on the radio, I want to hunt him down and beat his old, plastic surgery ass.

    • LOLOLOLOL, I feel the same way about Garth.
      Exh1 and I llllllloved Garth. When he divorced me, I couldn’t ever listen to Garth again.
      Then, when I found out about him and Trisha, I definitely couldn’t listen to him again.

      • The garbage that came before with the songs declaring his incredible love for the first Mrs. G just add to the nausea. Amy Grant has a similar tale. Both couples deny there was anything going on while they were all doing duets and on tour together before going through the big D-and-I-don’t-mean-Dallas.

        Ya shur.

        Same with Michael Landon.

        Too bad there are no heroes left.

        • There really aren’t. Daughter’s hero was Wayne Pacelle (CEO of the Humane Society). She got to meet him at a book signing a few years ago and was so thrilled to have actually had a chance to meet her hero. She recently found out that he’s another harasser (a married harasser to boot). She was crushed.

        • We have heroes left. We just have to look a bit harder for them since we won’t find them in centre stage on Broadway, in Hollywood or anywhere else that’s got the limelight that attracts narcissists. Remind yourself that true heroes are rarely movie star gorgeous or famous… my mother, who raised a large brood of children with kindness and humour; my Chump grandma who never let her abusive husband or humiliating (in that place and era) divorce rob her of her sweetness; my late dad, a hard working, serious introvert: the most honourable man I’ve ever known. And yes, I am also my own hero: the protagonist of an epic fairy tale filled with ogres (ex and Schmoopie), trolls (their enablers and apologists) and a gloriously happy ending I look forward to discovering.

          As for Kenny? Married 5 times tells me he’s most likely a cheater and narcissist, himself.

      • I have no sympathy for Marie Osmond. She broke my heart in the 5th grade. I made good grades, never went to the principal’s office, and was in the Christmas Choir that sang at the retirement home.

        I may not have been a big shot NBA player like that cheater she married….but my pig won 1st Place at the county livestock show.

  • Hand also raised for pregnant at cheating time. Of course I mean she was pregnant. 3 months to be exact. So, of course during out wreckonciliation my joy and exgitment of the pregnancy were robbed from me. Even the birth of my second son was a bit less joyful. And I’m not proud to admit that for a time I resented him because it reminded me of her infidelity, which was completely unfair to him. But that’s long gone now. Like she is. We made it another 3.5 years since then and of course she’s done it to me again. At least this time she was decent enough to wait two months after my dad had a life altering stroke to do it.

    • HoosierChump, I am very sorry for her cheating during the pregnancy. I just cannot understand a pregnant woman cheating. I worried about everything during my pregnancies. Gave up coffee, made sure I took my maternal vitamins everyday without fail. Exposing your unborn child to an STD with another guy who likely has a history of cheating? Yikes! I am glad you left the relationship but I hope you LOVE those kids to pieces. Your Ex is trash but forge a close relationship with your kids and they will love you forever.

  • He was acting weird before he left. But he left right after I had a partial hysterectomy. I wasn’t supposed to drive or lift things. I needed lots of help and he wasn’t there. What a fucking tool!

    • WorkingonMeh, I had a complete hysterectomy while Cheater was still living with me. I think I’d rather have been by myself. He was little to no help. He never brought me anything to eat or drink without me asking for it. When I’d ask for help or needed something he’d make me wait until he finished whatever it was he was doing, watching a movie, swimming in our pool, any excuse to make me wait. Begrudgingly helped me to the restroom. A friend came over to check on me and as he was walking her to the bedroom she asked how I was doing, he sighed and said, she’s so needy.

      • I remember him screaming and yelling at me while I was hemorraghing, and me begging him to leave me alone.

        • Mitz, how awful to be yelled while your suffering and begging him to please leave you alone. I truly hate your X, I was brought up not to hate anyone, I’ve always looked for the good in everyone. but I hate all cheaters, They’re lacking in empathy, except for themselves.
          Before the hysterectomy I was bleeding heavily almost all month with cramps that were so unbearable they would literally bring me to my knees. Sometimes the cramps would begin without warning, and became more frequent and I’d be shopping and suddenly fall to my knees with the excruciating pain.
          During a particularly heavy few months of bleeding (hope I’m not too graphic) X had to go out of town. He called to remind me (as if I didn’t know) our son had Karate . I told him about my heavy bleeding, and didn’t think I could sit there with what was going on.
          Cheater being the empathetic caring person he is, became upset with me, telling me I did’t care about our son or his activities, (I’m the one who signed him up for everything son participated in). I reluctantly took our son to karate and sat down in one of the chair to watch the class. As class was ending I stood up and my entire back side, and the chair I was sitting in was full of blood. As everyone left I rummaged through my sons karate bag and found a sweater to tie around my waist and one for the chair. After everyone had left I took the chair outside and fortunately was able to rinse it clean.

  • We got married on my birthday, so…

    (Hey. It was a Saturday in the summer. My birthday was never a big thing growing up so when I looked at the calendar and saw that our venue have an opening on the same day we said, “why not?”)

    Anyway, this year I hope to spend my birthday DIVORCED and doing something fabulous. I am not sure what yet. Now I have a few months to plan something great. Thanks, Tracy. Time to plan. 😉

  • My ex husband told me he wanted a divorce while on a much anticipated 4th of July week with my family, our kids at my family cabin. The place my ex had known was my favorite place on earth, I grew up spending all summer there – that we don’t get to go to often. He came a day later by himself, as he had to “work”. He showed up, kids were excited, we built a fire, had fun, went for a walk as a family together – but I had been noticing for awhile he had been acting different, quiet, working in office with door shut. That night, after everyone went to bed, we were even intimate – I asked…you ok, something has been bothering you? He looked at me, said started crying said I want a divorce. Proceeded to say even being next to me made him uncomfortable – that I was an attractive women but he was no longer attracted to me. we were up all night, I was in shock. Next morning, we took kids for a walk, he told them I love your mother but not in love with her and left. My poor babies. At our favorite place. He got in car, left, my family was there I told them we were all just in shock. Little did I know, but found out a few days later…he talked to his very young, coworker the whole way home. I found a number with 1000’s of minutes over the last few months, 20 years younger then him. I got blamed, blamed blamed…bad wife, bad mom, no excitement, he was just gone. He agreed to therapy, but said he only did so for me to realize all of my problems and why he was leaving. Moved out before we got home…he said he had been planning for over a year. I didn’t think I could ever go back to that cabin….but I forced myself. I bought that cabin. Its mine now, and she can have that huge stinking turd of a man.

  • My ex decided to blow up our family just before middle daughter’s Sweet Sixteen surprise birthday party. It was awful, and that memory will always be with her/us. But, she just turned 19, and has put it behind her. Youngest daughter, now almost 18, never got to have a sweet sixteen party, as we had to move away and she had no friends or family to invite. Still pisses me off to this day, fucker.

    • Same…sob was deliberately waiting till his “responsiblities” were out of the way. So day of son finishing high school and day after daughter turned 16 he sat them all down and gave them the “poor me i need to be happy ” speach. Bastard

  • We met in college. We then stayed in that city afterwards. We had season tickets to the basketball games at the university. Most of our marriage, our guaranteed date nights were those games. We often traveled to watch the team in other cities, too. Cheater took the season tickets with him when he left. He takes the young AP to those games now.

    I thought it was something special we shared, but he apparently didn’t attach any emotional value to over 15 years of memories. People would offer me tickets and I turned them down because the thought of going there hurt (and I didn’t want to run into ex and OW). But after 2 years, I finally went to a few games. It was my alma mater and I had followed them for years. My kids like to go to the games, too. We just avoid the places in the arena where he tends to hang out and drink before the game and during halftime.

  • Both d-days fell on The Fourth: July 4, 2010 and July 4, 2015. Each time we had a huge Fourth of July party planned that ended up getting cancelled. Oddly enough, our divorce trial date is scheduled for July 7th, 9th and 12th of this year. 3 years running, I’m fighting for my independence.

    I’m debating having a huge 4th of July party in In 2019 (though I’m not sure what my life will look like at that point) but it won’t be with a cheater, so it will have to be better.

    • I filed probate and got my independence July 3, 2016 from a grandiose narcissist. He had to have everything-big home, pool, new camper every year, fancy food, vehicles, the best! I am much more conservative than that.
      I took this back by quickly ridding of all of the “stuff” while selling the property. Sold it, gave it away.
      I live very simply now, beautifully in a small apt and travel a lot!
      Collect memories….not stuff!
      Xoxo

      • This is going to sound odd, but for years I went on big extravagant international trips, especially near my birthday. Lately, I don’t want to go. I really like my quiet life and don’t feel like I need to escape it anymore.

  • TODAY is the one year anniversary of poof day. I came home from a business trip to an e-mail from him telling me he moved out. No notice, no argument, nothing but an e-mail. 28 years married and in the middle of active plans to move to PHX as an eventual retirement home, and his declaration on Feb 27th that he “wanted to be with me the rest of his life.” 6 weeks later, abandonment. He came back for 2 days the following weekend in April 2017 to scream at me that it is 100% my fault, I am a Horrible, Angry, Judgmental and Controlling person. The discovery of OW took a few more months but of course it all fell into place, this was OW#2 in our marriage. He denies there is anyone else even though there is solid evidence.

    Divorce final last fall. He moved to OW’s European country permanently last month. His adult daughters are disgusted with him.

    The plans we were making went poof along with him and I have felt lost. He stole my future and what I felt like I have been waiting for. I was waiting for him to pay attention to me when we finally didn’t have to work and he could stop ignoring me. I was such a fool.

    I need to take back today. I am failing the challenge today but I am recognizing that at some point I will see this day as a new birthday. The day I was freed from the selfish little piggy, petulant boy.

    I promise I will.

        • Trust that he sucks. A text after 38 years. That takes the cake. Hugs and strength to you through the trauma of a lifetime.

    • Lisa Arends wrote a book called Lessons from the End of a Marriage: How I Found Happiness While Surviving Bigamy, Abandonment, and Deceit
      Very good read.

      Her husband emailed her too. She’s never seen him again.

        • Excellent.
          It’s a good book. Her daily posts on Facebook are good too. She went through hell too, just like us.

        • Great book. She’s the boss! Also, she did spot X at a festival years later and he looked like crap. LOL

          • To add to the book list: Runaway Husband’s, written by a psychotherapist whose husband ran away, like so many of the ones described here.

      • I just read the first paragraph of this book and I’m already in tears. Thanks for the recommendation.

        • You are most welcome, my friend. ❤️

          I have a few other recommendations, let me know when you’re ready.

  • My cheater started cheating during a very happy time in our lives. When we had gotten married we bought a small starter home and talked for years about how we would renovate it once we had the money to do it. Because of our hard work and diligence we paid off our mortgage in 15 years! Then we set out to finally live our dream of renovating our home as our forever home once and for all! We completely gutted our home and literally changed everything except the exterior walls. This is when he began his affair. WHAT THE HELL! I never had one peaceful moment in our new home. Five years of playing detective. Five years of the same OW. Five years of false reconciliation. 24 years of marriage flushed!

    Now……..I bought a beautiful townhouse I absolutely LOVE! I get to enjoy it with my two almost grown daughters. I decorated it how I like and I have never felt so comfortable. I am finally at PEACE! #finallyfree

  • I got the ILYBINILWY and the discard while on vacation at our family’s favorite annual vacation spot. My parents always took me there as a kid, so I’ve been there more times than I can remember. Seriously, why wait until we’re 700 miles away from home to pull that one out?

    I took a couple of years off from going there, got a divorce, went somewhere else with the kids in the meantime…..but then just last year started going right back to that same place for vacation again (because my kids love it there and wanted to go back too).

    And now it’s more fun than ever (no more listening to her whine about crowds, seafood restaurants, where we go this night, where we go that night….I don’t have to wait outside stores while she shops for souvenirs for her married boyfriend).

    Vacation is actually somewhat (because I still have the kids) relaxing again.

    • I grew up going to ME every summer (family property). Ex and I got engaged and married there. I was afraid to go back last summer fearing it would be triggering but it wasn’t. It was a great trip. This kids and I did just fine there without ex. ME was there before ex and it is there after ex. The fact that ex hated it the last few times we went makes it that much easier. ME was always mine and really has nothing to do with ex. The kids and I will cherish it without him.

      Ironically, one of ex’s resentments was that the property shares get passed from parent to child directly down my grandparents blood lines. Ex was pissed that it would bypass him if I died first. Then he went on to demonstrate exactly why it was set up that way.

  • I’d been balancing a full-time job and night school to get my MBA for 3 years.

    I discovered her affair in the second-to-last semester (Spring), suffered all summer, and then left her for good two weeks into my final semester (Fall).

    Bad timing? Yes.
    Did the quality of my professional and academic work decline? Yes.
    Do I now have an MBA and increased earning power that she gets NO value from? Yes.

    • Well, I’m glad for you.

      My ex is retired military and decided he wanted to be a nurse before he lost his GI Bill. He dropped that bomb in December, saying he wanted to quit his job and enroll in January and gave me NO time to prepare for a change in lifestyle/ income/ etc. the stress gave me shingles.

      So, for the next few years I cheered him in. Cheered him in when he failed every math class no less than 2 times and failed each Anataomy and Physiology class 2 and 3 times. After 4 years of full time school, he FINALLY graduated with an associates in science, but couldn’t get into nursing school the first time. I still cheered him on, told him to keep trying, to keep applying, he’d get through.

      By that time, he’d been fucking his side screw for God knows how long. He finally got into nursing school a month after our divorce was final and his whore is reaping the benefits of that plus all his student loans.

      I’ve put up with 2 husbands going through school and have nothing to show for it.

      At least the guy I’m dating is already a doctor. If it works out, I’m pretty sure I won’t EVER have to do that again!

      • Actually, even if it doesn’t work out with Dr. Wonderful, I’m still not putting up with another husband and his school. Ever.

        Nope.

  • He walked out on me on Fourth of July, as he titled “His Independence Day” and he had the divorce papers for months but decided to hand deliver them to my lawyer on my birthday.

    In reality, it was the best thing he could do. Every 4th of July it reminds me to breathe and be in the moment, I am free from the lopsided marriage that I didn’t realize was lopsided.

    On my birthday I always take the day off and do something that feels spectacular, because he ignored my birthday for our entire relationship, I make sure that day is everything I want it to be. So, in a way I thank him for that, for making me pay attention to me.

    He’s a POS – lol, but I’m grateful for the experience that has taken me where I am, and I’m crazy grateful that it’s over. I’m in a relationship with a stable good good good guy and my life overall has done a 180.

    • My ex told me he was leaving me on my 49th birthday. On my 50th, I was dating a guy who completely blew it off and so did my kids. No one made a big deal of it and I was incredibly let down.

      This year, I will be working. I have a major project at work and I will be working 12 hour days, 7 days a week for at least 3 weeks. So, when it’s over and I have a bunch of money from that work job, I think I will plan a trip somewhere, maybe take my doctor boyfriend, and do something just for me. Maybe take a trip to the Florida Keys.

      I’ll pick a new fucking birthday.

  • The morning of my 29th birthday was spent confronting my husband about his affair during marriage counseling (D-Day was 2 days earlier but done covertly). The session was excruciating and he refused to end the affair (which continued for months post d-day). As we were leaving he turned and said “Happy Birthday”. The counselor’s jaw about dropped on the floor. I agreed to let him take me to a birthday dinner which was a horrible version of the “pick me dance” and “who is this douchey guy”. My parents were at my home waiting and I bawled in the birthday cake afterwards.

    My 30th birthday was spent in the beautiful countryside with a group of 6 close girlfriends (and my mother). We swam, lounged, ate, and laughed. It was a really difficult anniversary but I was determined to have a better birthday experience and make new memories. New decade, new life path. I am taking back my own damn birthday.

  • Initially cheater wife cheated 9 days after my father’s funeral. But of course “it was only one time, nothing before that !!!” Well we all know how that goes. It took two and half months of lying through marriage counseling before she revealed it had been going for 6 months. Valentines Day and Easter with the families and her birthday all that time cheating and naked pictures going back and forth. I asked if she took advantage of my week sitting next to my dad’s machine aided body in the ICU…. she said noooooo, of course not ! probably lies, but as I said before I stopped asking questions.

    CL is right though. They are twisted. They get off on the power. I don’t understand it, but getting erection pictures from her massage boy while I’m cooking Easter lunch for her family and hiding eggs for my niece was just too powerful for her. They like have these parallel lives- it’s like a drug for them. They don’t care who they hurt.

  • I finished a three year medical fellowship where I had worked full-time and also tried to be the full-time mother I’d been since the birth of my son 10 years earlier. He, of course, responded to the hardest 3 years of my life by taking longer and more frequent trips across the world to the country where his 25 year old OW lived, for work plus fun, and beginning to do his own laundry only, carefully picking out mine and the kids clothes to only do his. I should have left him for that alone!

    To celebrate finishing my fellowship and getting a part-time job that would be perfect for “our life” I surprised him with a hotel and some lingerie for the weekend, while his mother watched the kids. D-day number 1.

    Found out about the starter “professional girls” that he was with before meeting “the love of his life” the day my family gathered to support my dad in his new diagnosis of cancer.

    After 18 months of wreckonciliation, he left me and the kids out of the blue with a group text after a really fun family weekend trip to my sons sporting event, 2 days after my 50th birthday. I was at Safeway with my daughter when the text arrived. My son was home doing his 8th grade science project. He won. Dad didn’t show up for the county fair. I digress.

    Don’t worry, the divorce is final now, I got a decent settlement including the house, and I’m using the fellowship training every day in a job I love. I haven’t taken back any particular day, just my whole life. I have full custody of the kids; he moved away and the kids don’t even know where he lives, despite me offering split custody. I think I’ll always feel sad that our family was destroyed, but each day is good, and busy, and I’ve stopped trying to untangle the skein or worry about the lost friends and family who have given him a free pass for his horrible behavior. To those of you who just found out, yes, I lost 20 pounds in a month after dday, yes, I cried in the shower and lay naked and broken on the bathroom floor too. Meh happens. Not there yet, but I’m off the floor.

    Did I mention how mad he was at me, 6 months after he left, when I didn’t tell him my dad had died (he heard from my kids)? He wanted to book a flight for the funeral, and I shared that he would bring comfort to no one and his presence might upset my brother, who was in mourning. He responded that maybe he was in mourning too, as we’d been married 20 years! Oh, and tell everyone that he had wanted to be there and wasn’t because of me. He never offered me condolences or said anything about my dad. Image control first for a narc. Sigh.

    • What a horrible douche. To text the family is unbelievable. A particularly nasty narc. Congratulations on powering through fellowship and on to an awesome job! Meh has to be around the corner for you! So close! I was 20 years with Dr. Cheaterpants. It’s still mind boggling how they can be married and have kids for so long and then just abandon. I just can’t in a million years ever imagine doing that. For any reason. To me, the spouse and family is what you do everything else in life for, to protect and love. Even 2 years out now, I just can’t untangle that skein.

      • Yeah, I know. My kids are everything! That’s why I’ve given up trying to untangle the skein. I’ll never possibly be able to understand how anyone could be happier with multiple women half his age than with his FAMILY! And then I’m like, if that’s who he is, we have nothing in common. But the 20 years part, it’s hard, isn’t it? Like my whole adult life with someone who just discarded me like bad food. What a waste, right? I’m not going to lie. The worst of the traumas passed but I still think about what happened every day. I hope you are healing from Dr Cheaterpants cheating. I had no idea how badly one person could hurt another and then just walk away like an angry stranger…….crazy stuff

  • Married on my birthday. Divorce papers served on his birthday. Wasn’t planned that way at all, but makes me smile when I think about it.

    • Also today is the one year anniversary of our divorce being final! Feels Good!

      I took my life back by going no contact.

    • Ugh! We got spontaneously married on my birthday too! Guessing he thought it would be easier for him to remember the “important dates.”
      Glad to have my birthday back and I hope you have yours too. Take advantage of that No Contact, (I have a kid w mine.) We divorced 3 days before our kid’s bday.

  • I discovered the cheating a few days after Thanksgiving. I don’t know when it started probably earlier that year. At the time I started a new job, huge raise. We were going to be set for life. Well as you can imagine, the explosion of my marriage resulted I me losing my dream job. During our brief reconciliation attempt (she really didn’t try) it was Valentines Day, the day I asked her to addy me, that I think she went back to her AP. Anyway, this VD I spent it with someone else, and could not have been happier.

  • After a year long battle with post partum depression – doing everything I could to fight it: not staying in bed, trying every anti depressant, shock therapy, twice a week cognitive therapy – we found a drug that worked and I improved dramatically over the course of two weeks. Two months later I could tell something was wrong but thought it was normalish PTSD/depression from the stress of taking care of me and our 2 year old. I begged him to get therapy, finally we got him into therapy, us in marriage counseling (at his insistence), and started a barrage of “why is my husband feeling so crappy” medical testing.

    After a hard year things were getting better according to all parties – we celebrated out 10 year anniversary by returning to our honeymoon destination. Then he went to London for a work trip where OW pursued him and he gave in. DDay was during a family vacation for my father’s 60th birthday at the best roller coaster park in the US.

    Now, his revisionist history that he had been unhappy for a while has ruined our May Soiree celebrating my birthday our 10th anninversay and my 3 year old daughter’s Ma soiree, that trip to our honeymmon desitination, and my family’s trip to Rolloer coaster heaven.

    I’m going to have a May soiree honoring my birthday and my daughters. I’m going back to the honeymoon location to the cliff he wouldn’t jump with me, and I’m going to jump again. I’m going back to the roller coaster park and going to have a great time.

    • I feel you. Post partum was extremely difficult for me and I still feel bad for what I put my family through. I discovered the cheating after finally getting to a place of normalcy. Blamed myself, of course, for his cheating. I will never have another child, because of the entire experience. The birth and pregnancy was fine. Recovery/adjustment sucked! Didn’t help that he refused to help during the first year of infancy and undermined me any chance he could. We decided to have one after I discovered his first affair w a woman who had a kid. Thought he cheated, cause we wanted different things, so I thought giving him a child would keep him. Actually, he hid my birth control. Stupid. Yay Spackle! I was very young. He’s over a decade older.
      Then he had an affair with a woman older than me, who was childless.
      Needless to say, he wanted to “fix” our marriage, by having a second child, when I discovered it. Yeah, I learned the first time, buddy.
      They are now remarried and she was carrying a child, but not anymore. Not sure if she’s unable to carry, but my kid has made some comments that make me think so. She looked remarkably older than she should, at her age, from the last time I saw her. So now, he’s back to pinning over me and telling me how much he really wanted to reconcile, even though he wouldn’t give her up. What a creepo…and to think, all this time, I blamed myself as “the crazy one” but after having some distance-I can see how disordered, manipulative and responsibility-dodging he is. Thank God we didn’t have any more children! I read stories on here about spouses abandoned with 3 or 4 kids, some with special needs! He would have definitely cheated again, no doubt.
      Have an absolute blast at that theme park! Better to vomit from too many rides, than from being forced to go with some lame, deceptive, cheating prick who doesnt want to be present.

  • This is funny, I sang this song until it drove my kids crazy.. LOL

    Well I was turning 50 (he spent my bday with OW while I sat at home waiting for him to get home) this was 2 months before and then he was a monster, could not figure out why but I knew he had a new job starting I figured he was upset…. spackle

    The week of DDay:

    My mother had just been diagnosed with throat cancer

    My cousin I was close to passed away from breast cancer, the funeral was this week.

    EX had just left for a job 2 hours away the day before DDay and my life blew up.

    I was getting a biopsy the morning the day after he left for the new job, I found the email from the OW. It was our Anniversary. it was cancer

    My son was acting out, I had a mess with him and the school.(he knew what Dad was up to before I did)

    I was already a mess because he was so physically and mentally abusive the last few months and then this happened. I just curled up to die and pick me danced for 7 months.

    Thru all this he was looking for his passion and having the time of his life. Making more money that we had ever seen at the new job. (because it was a new job, he was able to cut me off when setting up the paper work) He was joyful and happy unless I was in the room then it was raging. I remember watching him with friends in a restaurant when he did not know I was there. He was on top of his game.

    7 months later when I served him with divorce papers he then broke my ribs and made it so I could not work full time and I had no money (sahm).

    Right after the divorce he admitted he left me a mess, but told me I deserve it because I would not admit to my part in the marriage failing.

    Trust that they suck.

    • I forgot, what I do to take back my life is…

      I am 100% no contact, I am recovering from health issues and trying working to make myself in better shape and healthy.

      I remind myself everyday that I did not deserve any of that, I was a wonderful wife and mother who needed better boundaries and deserved to be loved back. Self love is a process and I work on it daily.

  • He cheated on me during my second pregnancy. He left when my first two were 19 months and 4 months old and I had just found out I was pregnant with our third. How did I take my life back? I celebrated with a gender reveal with those who love me and kept him out of the entire pregnancy. My delivery was a planned induction so I could arrange for child care accordingly. I then had my mother and best friends in the delivery room. It was the best birthing experience and pregnancy because I made it what I wanted it to be.

    • Good for you, Stephanie! I wish I had done that with our youngest. Stbxh sat in a chair away from the bed texting someone (a woman I am sure) while I hemorrhaged after giving birth.

  • I discovered his cheating right after I got home from the hospital from delivering our baby daughter. I spent several years of the early to mid eighties feeling sad, bereft, and at a loss. And, for many years, the music from that era would bring me right back, and remind me of that loss feeling.

    I’ve recently started taking that music back. “Shame On The Moon” by Bob Seger would remind me of that cold, lonely winter, when my baby was just a few months old, and her daddy was having the time of his life in medical school, screwing nurses and nursing students. But, I’ve been blasting that and other songs from 1982/1983/1984, and reclaiming them. My daughter is an awesome young woman, and we listen together. 😊

    • 2AS1AD…. I love listening to 80s music with my adult children. I was at a rodeo recently when the MC played Don’t Stop Believin’ and all the teenagers behind me knew the words.

      I loved it!

      Listening to them with your daughter is an AWESOME way to reclaim that!

  • Oh. And apparently this morning I am taking back chicken fingers for breakfast. No one ever really took that away from me but I’m really owning it. So there.

    • Hahahahahaaa, you go, CR!!!
      DD and I had chocolate frosted brownies for breakfast, because we CAN!!!
      😎😎😎😎😎

    • Love this so much. We should also take back cake for breakfast, and breakfast for dinner.

      Caution, meet wind.

      • Exactly.
        Three years now DD and I have been able to eat what we want, when we want without having him over is bitch and whine about his diabetes, his food “sensitivities”, his “need” for full balanced meals.
        Freedom!!!

  • I am currently trying to take back the last 20 years of my life. He told me he wanted a divorce a week after my 45th birthday. Telling me he never loved me, I’m an old hag now and I disgust him. Of course he said “im just not in love with you anymore, my status and my 🌟 is rising and shining and you just can’t keep up!” He continued to use this d day to strip me of my dignity and self worth by telling me of all the ways I am disgusting, repulsive and less than. Then I found out about his 25 year old OW. and now it all made sense. She is brighter and shinier and makes him feel special in all his places. She can have all his nasty places, his nasty habits, his gaslighting, his lies, him. SHE CAN HAVE HIM.
    I am taking MY LIFE. back. I will eventually find a job, bc I was a devoted stay at home mom and wife while he built a business empire, I don’t really have a means at the moment….BUT I WILL.
    I am making my own friends that are diverse and different and amazing people. Bc we shared the same friends, his family, his employees, his customers, his his his…. I am looking for other people who share the same commonality of being decent human people. No matter their race, religion or political views.
    I am looking forward to finding my own house to make into MY HOME with my son. I will clean it, or not. I will host parties, or not. I will update it or not. It will be MY CHOICE, and not bc I was shamed into it.
    In this moment though, I am intimidated as to how this will all happen. We are 7 months post d day, 6 months post him leaving, 4 months post him filing and 3 seconds post my not feeling sick. All of the time. I am not hanging onto a large settlement bc he’s spending like crazy despite any court papers 🤦🏻‍♀️ He just thinks rules do not apply to him. Simple as that. He does whatever the fuck he wants and no damn judge is going to tell him otherwise…. and apparently that’s the case bc nothing is being done about his blatant disregard.
    Today is a hard day. I can feel the disparity rising up….the negative feels, and anxiety.
    The knot in my throat.
    The quiver in the pit of my stomach.
    But I have the knowledge that it won’t always be this way, not forever.

    • Not2daySatan,
      When I asked why my ex-boyfriend why he was leaving me, ex-boyfriend also told me that my career was not on par with his–he was at the zenith of his career, and I was just re-starting mine. According to him, my 14 weeks per year of vacation was not enough to travel with him (although he has 4 weeks vacation per year and easily a 65-hour work week). He later denied that he said these things. Gaslighting much? Later found out that he had already lined up my replacement (from his company).

      I admire your resolve and am rooting for you!

    • Not2daySatan–your STBX is excrement. I’m sorry you had to suffer through his cruelty. Good riddance.

      I know you’re frustrated by STBX’s lack of cooperation during the divorce, but keep on your lawyer to take cheater to court on contempt charges. Don’t provide disclosure by the deadline? Contempt charge. Leave out some information? Contempt charge. I had a friend whose STBXW refused to provide full disclosure (even up to the day of the hearing itself), or to sign paperwork. She dragged out the divorce for 1.5 years, and didn’t even sign the final decree. His lawyers went to court after the allotted period of time and got him the divorce, despite the X never having signed the paperwork.

    • Not2Day, We have very similar stories and jerk X’s. I am 46 and a year post diverse. It was awful I’m not going to lie, and I did get screwed financially. I was a SAHM. I now work 2 jobs and contract work on the side and am constantly struggling for money, renting a crappy little place, and worrying about bills and kids’ material needs. BUT, I have PEACE. Peace is very, very valuable. I do not miss him, the horrors of his mood swings, lying, giant ego, lies, the giant house, his need for a new car every 2 years, his designer clothing, ironing his jeans, making sure I weigh below 110#, …I know you will get to this place too! Take small steps, and give yourself grace when you lose it emotionally. The other side is wonderful even with the money worries– I promise!

    • I’m so sorry, Not2daySatan.

      I am hoping that peace with come soon for you.

      Your ex is a vile, evil scumbag.

  • First time, when I was finally feeling better after a hellish menopause and I thought we were doing well.

    Second time, I thought we were doing well and my mother passed away and found out he was cheating on me while I was overseas dealing with the death of my mom.

    That was it for me. I kicked him out. The green card scammer he’s never met that is now his “soulmate” can have him.

  • I have always loved Bastille day. I have no idea why, it just makes me feel romantic and alive. And watching the fireworks from where I live, I can see a bit of the French coast line.

    So it’s not so much a reclaiming but more of a validation, as when I filed with the courts to have an emergency separation hearing they choose the date. And it was on 14 July, Bastille Day. I was so happy and excited !

    Plus I was also energized as I was ready to make heads roll 🙂

  • Dingbat cheater had the gall to send this song lyric to ME! I had no idea it was a song or who Lucille is, just figured he’d mixed me up with one of his girlfriends. Haha. Dingbat perfectly orchestrated his own downfall, and all I had to do was not get in his way.

  • My ex said can I go out on Xmas day, I said everywhere is closed on Xmas day, no public transport, he said you’re not going to let me go out are you. Incidentally that morning he received 28 calls on his phone, years later I was supposed to be grateful he didn’t answer the phone! Worse my heart stopped during gallbladder surgery, I was ventilated, doc said don’t do anything for 2 weeks, I had to take and pick up kids from school, all household things, he disappeared for 3 days. Actually I was sick lost 2 stone in 5 days, did he care, of course not. We split up 5 years ago, I’m on antibiotics 6 times a day, any consideration for me, course not!

  • Husband called me in our anniversary from another state. 90% of his work is away from home. We talked about him setting up an office at home so that he could spend time with kids and me. After nearly a decade, I thought, ‘Maybe we are bonding.’ Found out later that he was upset with his AP and right after he ended the call, he hired a prostitute to get over his AP.! Our anniversary is also one of my graduation days, the day I was commissioned into the military. I remember THAT day.

    My boyfriend took me out for lunch at a restaurant overlooking the ocean for our anniversary. Then out of the blue, he forcefully said, ‘I will never marry you!’ Inside the restaurant, ‘He coldly asked, ‘How donyiu feel about that?’ All I could muster was, ‘I don’t know.’ Being an overly attached Chump Pick Me Dance Champion, I stayed with him until he discarded me a weeek later and then reconciled with him. several months after my boyfriend discarded for the last time, .a friend of mine, our hairstylist, invited me to the restaurant next door to the ‘anniversary’ restaurant. I found the experience triggering but tried to act happy. (I was happy to spend time with her.) On the next anniversary with my boyfriend m, I pulled out all the stops to celebrate our anniversary. All he did when he read the loving message in the card I gave him was say, ‘Has it been that long?’ He never did anything to celebrate that anniversary. There have been no more anniversaries as he again discarded me a few months later–this time for someone with whom the relationship I think is going to last. I imagine that he will pull out all the stops for her on anniversaries and many other days. Sadly, I still feel somewhat responsible for not being ‘cheery’ and impressive enough to have ‘won’ his love–or at least his respect. I also still dream about seeing him and him being around. Then I wake up alone and realize that for several months I have seen neither hide nor hair of the guy I talked to twice a day for years and thought I knew for decades. I have not yet found a way to ‘take back’ these days.

    • I also remember my 50th birthday. I remember telling my boyfriend that I loved him in the dark during a very tender intimate moment (at least to me). After a long pause, all he said was ‘Happy birthday.’ I ‘knew’ then that he didn’t love me but stayed for nearly two years after that, until he discarded me the last time.

  • On my first D-day, after I had found concrete evidence that my wife had been having an affair, I was so upset that I packed a bag and went to stay in a cheap, local hotel. That evening, I had repeated attempts by phone and text message to gaslight me. My wife told me she was so worried about me and afraid that I would do something rash and harm myself ( all over something I was imagining).

    When I saw our bank statement a few days later, I saw that on that same evening, she’d run up a big bill at a local champagne bar and restaurant shortly after the messages stopped. Her response when I asked her about this?

    She said that she had an arrangement for that evening and she “didn’t want to let friends down”.

    Lots more stories like this, but I’m soon to be divorced and enjoying a new life now!

  • Mr Fab was cheating for ?? Years longer than he admitted to-at least five, so let’s see, he was cheating while

    I put him through school

    We were buying our house thanks to my third job

    Hi dad had heart surgery

    My dad had cancer

    I did my postgrad

    Dealt with finances-no joke-he did not know who our mortgage provider was

    I raised our child

    First clue was Kiddo’s 12th Birthday-bringing the Downgrade not unusual as she was family but sitting at a table for two was.

    There is no fine time to cheat, and as to picking any particular date that would hurt me extra? He’s not that perceptive.

    I claim every day in my own name now.

    X-Mehphista

  • When my ex announced that he “was all out of fucks”, I was a stay at home mom with a 1 year old and 5 year old. After I moved out because he refused to, he cancelled my credit card, my cell phone, took the kids off his medical plan and offered me a $100 a week allowance. I hired a lawyer which shocked him because I had no money (I used a line of credit to pay for my lawyer bills). In the divorce settlement, I received a nice spousal support lump sump payment (thanks to my great lawyer). Today, I have a fantastic job that I love, great benefits and my kids are thriving. He thought I would be destitute! Screw him!

  • Wow! These posts are so sad. The cruelty is almost unimaginable. My heart goes out to each and everyone of you who have suffered a Narc’s timing. My list is long since my cheater swung in and out of our home several times and dumbass me fell for his BS every time! Before I knew he was cheating I had carefully planned a vacation to Disney World with my daughter and her family. The cheater of course was along for the ride. Turns out his Schmoopie lives in Florida and it was also around the time of her birthday. Turns out she goes to Disney every year on her b’day! Yeah, right! So while I’m running myself ragged all over Disney, he is meeting her and taking pictures with her! Then one day he begs off going to the park to stay at the rental so he can screw Schmoopie in our bed! Lovely! That was Nov. 2012. Never saw any evidence that Schmoopie went to Disney ever again on her following birthdays. By Jan 2013 his affair is no secret. My Christmas of 2012 had been horrible, but I didn’t know why, but now I did. Come Valentines Day 2013 he swears it’s over with Schmoopie. I decide to call her while he is at work. We had planned a dinner out and I was ready to go when he got home. He arrived home and was pissed that I had the audacity to call his “Boo” and talk to her! Dinner is cancelled! My birthday is March so I get to beg to at least go to dinner! But the restaurant is HIS choice and I hated it! His birthday is April and I make plans for opening day baseball tickets to his favorite team! Hank Aaron seats (not cheap) and the whole nine yards! I wake up to a text on his phone from Schmoopie wishing him a Happy Birthday and that she is also going to be at the game! What?? How could she have even known? Duh! He spends the whole time at the game peering over his shoulder looking for her! Lovely! My anniversary and Mother’s Day coincide that year. He could hardly be bothered. The usual roses and standard card shit, but no romance. Then we coast along on and off for a few months while he moves out then moves back in. Pure Hell! By Thanksgiving he is back home supposedly for good! We go to my daughters house several states away for the celebration. He is contacting Schmoopie and I find out. He proceeds to tell everyone and anyone at dinner that he and Schmoopie are in love and details their trysts to us in front of the grandkids also!! We of course left and he left our home one day after arriving back. He was with her through Christmas, but comes back home late January. He swears it’s really over between him and Schmoopie! February 2014 Valentines Day we make plans to go to dinner. On the 13th he leaves again! Lovely! But then fast forward to our anniversary in May. He takes me on a trip to my favorite place. As our day is winding down I find texts from Schmoopie! By August he had been gone for awhile. I am diagnosed with lung cancer. He tells my kids he can’t be bothered so my kids have to take turns leaving their families to take care of me after surgery! He never calls or inquired about my illness. Then suddenly he pops up again. I still had a large open wound on my side that had to be dressed. Must have been too much for him cause he left again! I got VERY sick and found out I had MRSA! Guess who else had it?? But I nearly died and had to have a very invasive procedure done and an extended hospital stay! This surgery was very disfiguring. Again, lovely! He tries very hard to have our divorce final on my birthday, but misses by one day! I guess he couldn’t win them all! Once the divorce is final in 2015 I hear he has been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. Schmoopie is beside herself and tries to enlist my adult children to “help” her! They flatly refuse. His surgery is in July and by Sept. 1st he and Schmoopie and the huge romance are history! He wants to come home! He “loves” me! Yeah right, he loves that I have all his assets, the house, etc. He is broke, sick and unemployed! Sorry so long, but that’s my “fairy tale”! He’s dead now so I don’t have to really deal with him or her any longer! Relief at last!

    • Wow. That Karma bus flattened him and then ran over him several times.

      Someone once said “Only speak good of the dead”.

      He’s dead.

      Good.

    • Roberta,
      I’m so sorry of your trauma, but I’m glad you’re still here with us!!!
      Did you go to his funeral in a red dress???

  • We were supposed to be working on our marriage after I’d discovered Shrek. Every time he’d treated me shitty in the marriage I had let him rugsweep. Infidelity was my boundary and I made my demands. He waited for 3 months and announced over the phone the day I took our son to his college Orientation to call me and tell me he was leaving me. I had to go back in and endure through that day, and two more days of informational briefings and then kiss my kid goodbye as he started college. Oh, and we’d brought my son’s girlfriend. I had to keep it together until I got her home on that 5 hour drive.
    Later, when I forensic’d the phone he threw at me (because he bought himself a better one than the one I’d gotten him for his birthday just 3 months before) and the phone before, I discovered all of his texts telling her he was leaving me just as soon as our youngest went off to college. He’d planned it for a year. The selfish mother fucker couldn’t wait 3 more days for me to first get safely home. Nooo, he hit me up on the first day I got to my son’s new college. Now he cannot understand why I won’t take him back after 4 years divorced. SMDH.

  • I already took back Thanksgiving after the one that he separated from me( while our son was driving home to spend thanksgiving with us). Ex left to go see schmoopie after dinner on Sunday not even hanging around to finish the weekend with his family. Bastard

  • D-Day #1 was when we were in our late 50s.

    D-Day #2 was 4 years later and we had crossed over into our 60s.

    Nearing retirement, you tend to think about health issues and money issues, and how dealing with both is so much easier for a couple than doing it alone.

    But what it the other person doesn’t even take care of his own health – physical OR financial? Doesn’t even brush his teeth at night or on weekends, and has developed a sugary drink fixation (and as a result weighs over 300 pounds)? What if he spends money he doesn’t have, incurring more debt than the amount of money he has in his 401K?

    This is not someone who will increase one’s sense of security heading into old age! He’s not good at planning ahead, he isn’t in it for “us” and hasn’t been for years – he’s in it for immediate gratification. I was the only adult in that relationship.

    Oh, yeah – and there’s that little matter of the OTHER WOMEN!!

    I now think of him as dead to me. I think of myself has having been “widowed” much earlier than expected. I’m going to be a Merry Widow and enjoy my life! Like my grandmothers before me, who were living alone for decades but having lots of laughs. They were WONDERFUL women who I truly admired.

    I will have good retirement income – close to what I was making during my peak employment earnings years. I have a mostly paid for home and a comfortable amount of money in an Individual Retirement Account. I have dear friends.

    I’d rather be part of a couple in old age – but not coupled with a lying, cheating, mean, stinky old man who has no money (just lots of toys and lots of debt). Old age can be challenging, but laughing a lot makes everything better. And I plan on laughing a lot, like my two fantastic and fun grandmother role models!

    • Gosh I think your story is my story except the Twat probably weighs 100 lbs ringing wet (you can imagine what that looks like in a swimsuit can’t you). But he blows through money even though he has a decent retirement and does not take care of himself. Enjoy Schmoops (she had to go back to work). I will have paid off my 17 year mortgage in 8 years and plan to retire in 2 years on a fair retirement. Not as good as it would have been for the both of us but the way he spends I’ll still be better off. Enjoy!

  • I work in obstetrics and being cheated on while pregnant is not uncommon. We see it happening to our patients on a regular basis. Recently we had a patient whose husband walked out on her TWO WEEKS after giving birth to TRIPLETS! I have directed several patients to chump nation.

    My DDay was on April Fool’s Day a few years ago. Lol.

    • April Fools would be a great day to have a DDay because in a few years the cheaters will realize the jokes on them.

    • My ex-slime creature’s OW #1 (that I know of) was an OB/GYN. I have to say, she may have had technical skills, but she was as dumb as a box of hammers, racist, crude, and made a hobby of destroying other people’s families. I hope you never have a colleague like that!

  • I can’t really play along, because when the Loose Heel (see what I did there) rang me up with a throb in his voice and a terrible seriousness to tell me something “that would destroy me”, it was a perfectly normal day.

    (A perfectly normal day at the end of four years of on and off, hot and cold, ILYBINILWY, him looking over my shoulder to see if someone better was coming along, organising my life around him and his whims, with me doing the Pick Me Dance, and trying to untangle the skein, and morph into what he seemed to want – no – missed a spot – damn – must try harder. Four exhausting years.)

    And I had already guessed that he was sneaking around yet again, and I asked straight out if he was seeing someone, and got a very stricken “Yes”, and I asked who, and when he told me, I burst out laughing.

    I spent about a day being vaguely surprised, but then I found I suddenly felt far lighter and happier.

    They were an EXTREMELY cut-price Paolo and Francesca. Kind of a Walmart Romeo and Juliet, if you prefer, except that they’re both over 50.

    Four years later, she’s still looking at her bare left hand and wondering why she isn’t good enough for him. I could tell her, but she wouldn’t listen, and anyway he makes sure we never have any time to speak to each other if we’re out and about at the same functions.

    You picked a fine time to leave me, Loose Heel – a damn fine time! and it’s simply been getting finer ever since!

  • I had not confirmed the cheating, only suspected it because of the harsh, cruel, gashlight-esqe treatment I’d shamefully put up with for about 4 months during the end of 2017. He had told me he was planning on moving out (just separating, how wonderful for a cheater) AND starting his new job on January 1, 2018. Happy New Year Chump! This was a perfect example of the narcissistic behavior that exists with so many cheaters. Starting out a brand new year with a brand new life to fulfill their most selfish desires. Leaving wife of 15 years and son to pick up the pieces is the least of his concern. Since then, I’ve busted him for cheating, kicked him out because he didn’t actually leave on New Years Day, truly started to pick up the pieces (this is the hardest work of my life), started divorce process, and taken a wonderful vacation with my son.

    My goal is to get myself together in 2018 and to truly move on from him and his affair partner. To take the best care of my son and teach him what love, integrity and responsibility are. To divide our assets, sell our house, buy a new house that I love. To continue counseling and get stronger, and stronger. To be able to see my husband in public and be able to look at him without rage, but with indifference. So, on New Years Day in 2019 I will be the same woman but so much stronger and I’d say better in ways I may not have ever dreamed of…and I’ll celebrate.

    • Mine gave me the whole, “2018 is the year I need to find myself. Which means cleaning my life of everything. Unfortunately everything includes yoi. ILYBINILWY. I need a divorce and space to truly find myself. Can you do that for me? Divorce and space? Divorce isn’t permanent. Maybe this could be a fresh start for us.” What that really turned into was I’m getting attention from two other guys and I don’t want or need you anymore. Sparkles!

      • I got the ILYBNILWY too. But asking for “divorce and space?” Hmmm…divorce is the ultimate space, I think. Sounds like you’re better off without her. Best to you!

    • Very inspiring and I can relate to many of your comments – NYE 2017, no tangible proof, suspecting cheating and cruel treatment, trying to get strong, rebuilding with my teenager – thanks for sharing!

      • My son is a teenager too. I think helping them through the sadness and confusion is one of the most important but the most difficult parts. Hope you and your teenager are well on your way to sunnier days!

  • With the first affair, I found out the day before my due date. I found an email to the OW that said,” sometimes I dream that my wife would die so that we can be together.” I was so numb and he seemed so remorseful that I allowed him to be there for the birth, which was totally ruined because I just cried the whole time that it should’ve been this amazing moment that was totally ruined by his deceit. I guess I got back at him for that one when, 9 years later with our third child, he went to get a sandwich and my daughter literally just slid out and he missed it all, haha.

    This recent d-day was on Valentine’s Day and I got a text from the OWs husband at 9:30pm telling me that his wife and my husband had been having an affair for over a year. My husband was in bed next to me, and we had just finished a lovely family dinner where I made him a handmade card listing all the reasons why I love him. (Insert groan here). I don’t know how I’m ever going to celebrate Valentine’s Day again, but I’ve got a year to figure it out.

    • I was never able to get a hold of any text messages or emails- mine was able to clear all of them out when she knew I had busted her. But that “wish spouse was dead stuff” is real. They really do mean it. That’s nothing to mess around with. Chumps end up dead because cheater or AP sees that as a ‘logical’ course of action. They get to be with sparkles and they also get 100% of all the “stuff”. They do think like that.

  • About six months before DDay #1 I knew something was terribly wrong in my marriage but I had no idea what it was. My (then) husband was constantly angry and dissatisfied with everything I did. I had to have a hysterectomy due to severe endometriosis. One of the worst moments in my life was when they brought my husband and mom in to say goodbye before I was wheeled into surgery. I looked up at my husband and he had the coldest look of contempt in his eyes. I thought to myself “he doesn’t give a damn if I live or die.” It was completely unnerving to take that thought into the operating room. After the surgery, my husband spent all of 15 minutes with me before telling me he “had to go back to work”. Of course, when I checked phone records after DDay#1 it turns out he was texting the OW while sitting with my mom during my surgery and was on the phone with her all that evening while “working”. For some reason, they forgot to give me the post-surgery pain medication IV so I was in A LOT of pain. My husband promised he would stop by the nurses station on his way out and demand that they get me the medication. I doubt he did. It was another 3 hours before the husband of the woman in the next bed took pity on me and got the nurse to come in and get the pain medication going. I could tell that nice man felt sorry for me, being all alone and in pain. I remember crying while I listened to him being so sweet and solicitous to his wife.

    There’s really no taking back that episode but I have an even better “take back” moment coming up next month. My darling daughter invited me on a trip to Montreal and Quebec over Mother’s Day weekend. Since those are the cities where ex and I honeymooned 29 years ago, this is going to be a triumphant take back moment for me.

    • I have a theory that cheaters do actually hate their spouse. I would think you would have to in order to do what they do. They go swap body fluids with a stranger and then they do the same thing with the person that walked down the isle to marry them for ‘forever until death’. They see their spouse as the barrier to their “true happiness” with the AP. And of course they already blame the spouse as the reason they cheated to begin with. They don’t blame themselves for anything, ever.

      • Absolutely. I am certain my fuckwit hates me and spent years building up that hatred while lying to my face daily.

        Unicornomore related the metaphor of the raft (betrayed partner) attached to the yacht (cheater). Paraphrasing, the cheater is on the yacht and tosses every disappointment, sorrow, and failure onto the raft. They usually throw all the adult responsibilities like home care and child raising, too. They come to look at the raft with disgust and eventually cut it loose, inviting the OW/OM aboard the big boat to enjoy the fun times. Thing is, there is now no place to put all that garbage and blame for their stupid lives and they still have hate for the raft for failing to take it all on. They blame the raft for taking their relationships with their children, too.

        We were just dumping grounds for whatever trash they saw fit to toss at us, so we are seen with at least total disregard and usually full on hate.

      • Zell, I think the one they really hate is themselves but they deflect that self loathing onto us and punish us for it. My ex told me once that I was the best person he had ever met. That was the crime he had to punish me for every day – that I was a better person than him and he knew it. The ironic part is that *I* never thought I was better than him in any way. At least not until it became clear that his bar was so low that almost everyone was a better person than him.

    • Beth,
      Yea, to your happy Mother’s Day trip, coming up soon.
      There is a common thread I notice on CN, and that is the incredible love, the strong connection, that a Chump has with their child/children.
      It is a love like no other.
      So, a cheater has a schmoopie(s), but what a giant, big hole he/she is missing, when they do not share the parent/child bind that is our’s to cherish, to flourish, in our every day life. We have someone who is there for us, and us for them, through thick and thin, through life’s up and downs.
      In the long run, we won, the best things in life, the true treasures, are our’s.
      Have a wonderful trip with your beautiful daughter. I will be thinking of you!
      💞
      I want to reply to every post today. So many many hurts to so many Chumps by asshole cheaters.
      Saying they suck helps, but further outlets neeeded! Grrrrrrrr!
      (((((CN))))

      • Thanks Peacekeeper! I adore your kind heart!! I’ve noticed that too – the connection between Chumps and their children.

        I had another epic take back moment today that concerned my daughter. Today is my birthday and I posted a picture on Instagram of me on my 9th birthday back in 1971. One of my daughter’s friends commented that she thought the picture was my daughter. That really made my day because people are always commenting on how beautiful my daughter is, and she is really is very lovely (not that I’m biased or anything). Whenever anyone told my ex and I that my daughter looked like me, he would immediately and vehemently deny that she looked anything like me. It got to the point that I felt that someone saying she looked like me was an insult to her. So my daughter’s friend making that unsolicited comment about how much that picture looked like my daughter helps me take back a whole bunch of moments when my ex made me feel ugly. I went back and found a picture of my daughter at the same age and posted them side by side. We look amazingly alike! It was a wonderful birthday gift.

    • Beth, I have a similar story, about a year before DDay, I had my hysterectomy, X gave me the same look of contempt as they wheeled me away into surgery, he didn’t kiss me, squeeze my hand or say a word. After they wheeled me to my room the pain became unbearable, X made no attempt to comfort me,or look for anyone to help me, fortunately my Mom stopped by found someone to give me stronger meds for the pain.
      The nurse brought a cot in my room and said your husband is welcome to stay the night with you, looking around I noticed other husbands settling in to stay with their wives.
      I asked X to please stay the night with me, he refused and left that afternoon to go home.
      During the night the person in the next room had passed away and the night nurse came in my room sobbing hysterically. I woke up the next morning around 8:30, and called X to say good morning and tell him what had happened the night before, he answered the phone and snapped at me for calling and waking him up, then hung up on me.
      Didn’t ask how I was feeling.

    • I’m sorry he was such a dick to you. No woman should have to feel that alone after such a life changing event.

      A year before he left me, I had to have a blood transfusion. My hemoglobin was down to 6. The low end of normal is 14. He couldn’t have cared less. I drove myself to the hospital that was 45 miles away and spent the day getting 2 pints of blood. I was scared and he couldn’t be bothered.

      I’m really sorry he did that to you. You didn’t deserve to be treated that way.

  • She had just borrowed $$ and opened up a barber shop in my tattoo business. 3 months later she “was unhappy and not in love for a while” bit scared to hurt me and our life…….until she hurt me and out life. Rough times financially and free time to family were on the up right when she apparently ‘snapped ‘ and couldn’t take our life anymore
    So i closed my dream business and move an hour away to be with my kids.
    While i still live close to the kids after almost a year struggling i reopened my shop in the same town and after a goid year have drcided to put a barber back in! It was a goid idea that was originally for her and was doing great and i hste thst it was cut short of its potentisl so in spite of her ill give it another shot

  • Wow where to even begin… my ex Captain America is in the military and has an extremely demanding career that I spent nine married years supporting. We moved I think eight times during which I worked part time jobs at each new duty station until the birth of our first of three kids when I became a stay at home mom. Even when he wasn’t deployed, he would regularly work 10-14 hour days and could easily be gone for about 2/3 of the year for training. Our second child was born while he was deployed. All of this to say, I EARNED my homecomings, which are one of the few rewards of military spouse life.

    While on his second deployment, Captain America began an email/text/phone affair with the wife of one of his best friends (she was also one of my close friends – they had been our best couple friend for years, I basically planned her engagement, we were in their wedding, they were our third child’s godparents). I was living with my parents in another state with our kids, ages 5, 2, and newborn. When CA was about a month out from homecoming, he told me it was too expensive for the kids and I to fly out, and that instead he would come to us a week or two after he got back (they don’t get leave immediately) and we would all go to Disney World.

    We were due to move to another duty station two months later and were not returning to the one he was currently assigned to. But guess who did live there? Our “best friends”. I’ll spare you his story and just explain what he actually did – he arranged to stay at our friends’ home (the husband was gone for training). The Affair Partner got to have “homecoming” and their affair went from electronic to physical – until her husband got home, caught on and busted their filthy lying asses via a hidden camera and live feed. I have no idea why they thought they could do it under his nose like that because he’s a very intelligent guy, much brighter than either of them.

    A whole bunch of tragic, unbelievable, hilariously horrible crap happened between then and when I found out, but for now I’ll just say that once they had the opportunity to freely be together Captain America bailed on her. (Shocking!) I left him, her husband who I’ll call Mr Mine Now left her. After awhile, we began dating after bonding through the whole thing and about ten years of previous friendship. Guess when our relationship kicked off?

    Mr Mine Now’s last homecoming.

    We are now married, (holy Karma) and with a few years left for him in the military as well, but with NO DEPLOYMENTS thank God, I get to also redeem what felt like horribly wasted years sacrificing as a military spouse. He and I have purposefully sought out all locations, experiences, and dates that reminded us of them and methodically redeemed them one by one so there will be no taboo memories that we associate purely with our exes. We’re also planning a trip to redeem Disney World, which will be especially wonderful because only my oldest even remembers the trip with her father which was during his affair but before I found out. Pretty sure my ex’s head is still spinning.

    • Love this! Second CN story I know about where the two chumps ended up together. In addition to both chumps finding happiness, marrying each other is the biggest FU to the cheaters (and I am warped enough to still like that idea ; ).

      • Ha! You know, half the time when a nice male chump says something moving and meaningful on these boards I am tempted to hit reply with a simple, “Call me.”

        I do like a nice story like that. Excellent upgrade for the chumps.

        • Gotta say the two of us worked HARD together for several months at the very beginning to get more or less full confessions out of both of them. It was very satisfying to turn them on each other. She wanted to be stepmom to my three kids so bad and now her ex husband is their stepfather instead, and an amazing one at that. Best laid plans huh? LOL operating word LAID

    • My ex is retired Air Force.

      He consistently repeated the “bros before hoes” mantra. His friends are all cheating assholes like he is and do you think a single one of them let me know what a white my ex was?

      Of course not…

      • Sorry… I’m feeling a bit sorry for myself today.

        You do have a great story and I’m glad it’s turned out well for you.

        Karma at its best.

        • No worries. The military environment is TOXIC for marriage – at least in my ex’s field. I’m sure most of his colleagues are/we’re also cheaters and I know our story has made some of those military wives uncomfortable because it hits too close to home and some of them KNOW it could easily be them. No one associated with the military clued me in at all either. I didn’t add this to my original post bc it was already so long, but after that affair was discovered it came out that he had actually been cheating on me our entire relationship – approximately 11 years. Many affairs. Some “serious”, some one night stands, some in between. Some women he knew, some who were strangers, at least one other who was my “friend”. I was lucky in a way that he got so confident and sloppy as to have an affair with the best friend’s wife because I don’t know that I ever would have found out otherwise. It’s ok to feel sorry for ourselves, I know I spent a lot of time feeling that way. There are friends/peers of my ex’s who will definitely get an earful from me if and when I see them again. And many of them will see me because my current husband is still in the same small military niche. They’re all officers and could get their careers ruined by this kind of thing so they do NOT like me being so upfront about it.

          • I am a military vet officer as are some of my ex-boyfriends (including the last one). Several of my ancestors (including my dad, too, who has had one partner for over 55 years, over his whole life. of 75 years. Military personnel are a mixed bag, probably as are all other fields.

            • I can only speak from my experience and that of my current husband who is still in the same military community as my ex. Both of us believe most of them cheat. Do most of them get caught or even get left if they do caught? Probably not. I know a few who are good men (can’t speak to the female officers because I don’t personally know enough of them, although none of them have ever sent off the instinctive alarm bells many of the men have) who I’m certain aren’t cheaters, a few I’m certain are, and a lot in between that I wouldn’t want to wager on.

              I am referring to a specific MOS though, a small enough community I am reluctant to identify it for fear of my anonymity being compromised. I have no idea what other communities within the military are like and I hope to God they are not as bad as what I’ve experienced. I am not trying to peg the military in general – I’m actually a huge military enthusiast, very proud military wife and probably annoyingly patriotic at times. But I believe there is a culture problem regarding infidelity at all levels of the MOS I’ve spent more than a decade being “married to”.

            • Big caveat though!! I’m 99% sure my ex was among the worst of them. His infidelity wasn’t exactly run-of-the-mill.

          • My X was a Pilot in the Air Force, cheating was rampant among crew members. Some had families in the states and another in a foreign country. One night stands, prostitutes some had girlfriends in other countries. I remember hearing of one crew member hiring the service of prostitutes while his wife is home and 8 months pregnant. I’m sure he isn’t the only one. When they would have layovers in the Philippines crew members would go to their rooms, change clothes then goes a group down town find a prostitute to bring back to their room. There’s a phrase they’d use which escapes me now, that is similar to ‘what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.” There is a female pilot who is known to have affairs with high ranking officials and military officers and destroy families. She went from one to another. Over the years I had heard the stories of the female pilot’s affairs, destroying marriages, when I did meet her she didn’t look anything like I had imagined. Not hideous but not send out gorgeous either. Sad knowing there are so many people who don’t cherish their families and are willing to risk losing everything and shatter their children lives for their own selfish desires.

            • I’m sure my Mr. Integrity was involved in some of the same although he would deny it.

              I’m familiar with the military I spent many years as a wife of a military pilot in the Air Force, and later reservist, I was also the daughter of an Air Force veteran and grew up as military dependent.
              While married I spent many weeks alone living in out of the way locations, not knowing anyone, being snowed in as Cheater is frolicking in Hawaii, it sucks.

  • My head of HR federal worker started sleeping with married HR subordinate while I was attending uncles funeral, a couple of months later he was screaming at me that I was ruining another anniversary, while on the phone texting slut and ordering flowers for her, for my anniversary! Couple of months ago while driving through Spokane, where they planned romantic tryst he starts playing The Weakness In Me, by Joan Armatron, probably the most disgusting song ever made about someone longing for their affair partner! Unbelievable!

  • I don’t have a story to go with this, although I’m gettting mighty!
    One of my favourite f-you songs:

    Iris Dement—God May Forgive You (but I won’t)

  • We had just finished having sex. He got up and said ” by the way , I’ve found some place to rent.”
    I said “okay” and kept reading my mail.
    I’m sure he has been sorely disappointed by my lack of reaction to his shenanigans. But it’s all very immature and trite.
    I had a male friend say to me after he found out cheater had left the children and I, “Mandie 101 , do you think it is a question of maturity on his part?”
    I had not looked at it like that before , but when he said it, I could see. Cheater’s actions are not those of a mature stable adult.

  • Well DDay itself was pretty much just a random day for me. Of course I didn’t find out from ex, I found out from Schmoopie’s husband. It was still pretty traumatic but I can’t say it is tainting any particular holiday. I am lucky there.

    I did, however have a kind of a mini DDay about a month before going on a trip to Europe with our daughter. That is when he told me we weren’t communicating well and we needed marriage counseling (this was a few weeks after he started up with Schmoopie 2.0). When he told me that, I was all for it. I had noticed that things had not been going well for several months and had at least been strained for a couple of years. I thought this would give us a chance to sort things out. After the night he told me that, however, things went down hill fast. The devalue and criticism towards me and the kids went into overdrive. I could do nothing right and he would look for any excuse to get away from me and the kids. He became nearly impossible to seduce (I managed it two times before the Europe trip – the last being just before I left). I did start to suspect an affair, but I deliberately put it out of my mind because I didn’t want those thoughts to ruin my trip. Never the less I was anxious about my marriage the whole time anyway. I sent him constant updates and photos. He seemed to be responding positively. Despite my anxieties, I had high hopes (fantasies) that he might actually miss me while I was gone and things would be better when I got back. Of course we all know what he was doing during those two weeks. I had even arranged to have the boys at sleepover camp at the same time so he could get a brake and not be worn out from single parenting for two weeks. I was such a huge chump. Anyway, things clearly were not better after I got back. I got the call from Schmoopie’s husband a few days after I returned and a few days before the first MC session. All of my memories of what was otherwise a magical trip to Europe with my daughter have now been tainted by the knowledge that he was banging Schmoopie and falling in “love” with her that whole time.

    So how do I get that back? My daughter is going to school at St. Andrews in Scottland. I will be flying out to help her move in. Another chance to go someplace cool with my daughter without someone betraying me and deceiving me behind my back at home. I intend to have a great time. Meanwhile ex took daughter to Scotland to visit St. Andrews over spring break before she made her final decision on what school to attend. She did enjoy the trip, but when she got back she said that she would rather have gone with me. I can’t help feeling a little bit smug about that. She also said that after spending a few days with her Dad, she was looking forward to being on her own far from home as long as I promised to take her middle of the night phone calls on those occasions when she needs her mom.

    • Isn’t it funny, that you think your marriage went down-hill first, before affair; but actually, marriage was dying because of affair….

      • Mine was dying long before he confessed to screwing someone. He had a couple of sides well before that and it was about that time things went downhill fast.

  • DD2 came while I was distracted caring for my mother who was dying of cancer. I can’t take back the wasted years but I have enrolled in art school which makes me very happy and luckily doesn’t give me spare time to dwell on a fuckwit.

  • That’s what disordered folks to, they bail on you during the time of need and they ALWAYS wreck every single happy moment you’ll ever have. And Greg Berhendt said it best in his book He’s just not that into you, that by the time these people leave, they have already checked out a long time ago. So they may leave us physically, but mentally and emotionally they were already gone months and even years ago!

  • He cheated on me while I was in a wheelchair for 2 yrs suffering back injuries related to having our children. (And yes we still had sex during that time). But here’s the kicker: HE had a life-long gradually worsening disability that we knew would eventually land him in a wheelchair. I knew about his disease for 20 years and it never occurred to me to leave him. But the minute I become disabled BOOM off he goes, cheating. His mother told me “see, you were disabled. It just didn’t make sense for you guys to stay together.” The good news: now I’m better. I sold him the wheelchair during the divorce proceedings and now he needs it. OW gets to push him around. Karma.

    • I can’t believe his mother told you that..wait. Yes i totally can. My xmil said the most horrible things to me. I really think the nasty mils enjoy all the pain caused as much or more than their lowdown sons. Your story is awesome. It never occurs to these monsters that they are but mere mortals as well.

  • Exh1’s D-Day was him confessing to his brief affair with an underling at work. This came just after we spent 4th of July week at the beach with his family. our son was three at the time.
    Fast forward six years just after Easter, he blows up on me over the phone yelling, “I want a divorce from your fat ass…!!!” Our anniversary was a few weeks later. He came home with roses and a lovely anniversary card signed, “I will always love you…” . He had just come back from his attorney’s office to file for divorce.

    Exh2 The Evil One was wayyyyyy colder and different. January 2015, I was told I would have to have a total abdominal hysterectomy to remove hemorrhaging cysts on my ovaries, and have a large hernia repaired. I scheduled it for mid-April, so I could take the rest of the school year off. His response to my news? “Yikes” That’s it? That’s all you got?!
    A week or so after is when he pulled his disappearing act, he “went for a drive” and went totally off the grid for the next 18 hours. I was frantic, he was ngry I had called his parents to report him AWOL.

    He got a job making $20/hour + overtime March 5, 2015. A dream job for him. I was so happy, so relieved, “Finally…” I thought we were finally going to start living better than we had been with his frequently being unemployed ass.
    My birthday was the following week. He had never really done anything nice or “big” for me for my birthday, but he did leave me a lovely sentimental card on the table for me…
    D-Day was three weeks later.
    The day of my surgeries I couldn’t stop crying, because I knew he was leaving… He moved out less than 10 days after me having two surgeries.
    Our divorce was final the day after our anniversary. I celebrate that more than feeling gloomy on anniversary.
    Holidays were always a shit show with him, but now they are so much better!!!

    • The first wedding anniversary post-divorce was actually Thanksgiving day. We were married the night before Thanksgiving.
      That year, all three of my kids, their g.f.s, a.couple it her single moms and their kids all came for dinner. It was wonderful!!!
      Every year, cooking was a competition with him. With just about everything with him, he had a “anything you can do, I can do better” attitude. He didn’t ever “beat” me at anything, but whatever.
      That Thanksgiving I took back my favorite holiday and it was glorious!!!

  • My mom had a heart attack and passed away. My family was in shock (she was only 64). Due to her untimely death, my mom hadn’t expressed wishes for a funeral. It was put upon me to decide and I chose cremation. Then what to do with her cremains was my responsibility as well. During this time, I tore my ACL from my femur and needed surgery after lots of pre-hab. The day after I got off of crutches, my family, H, and I flew to Maui. We had a funeral service there and scattered her ashes. H spoke of his love for my mom and her devotion to him at her funeral. My dad told him that he loved him like a son. 6 days later, we flew home. On the car ride home, he picked a fight and the next day told me he wanted a divorce. He simply did not find me attractive. Emotionally or physically.

    It’s tough to turn this one around into a positive, but I will return to Maui and visit my mom’s resting place (a hill above a lavender farm overlooking the coast) and try to reclaim peace that should have come with her funeral in that gorgeous location.

    • (((((NoKibble4U))))
      Your post is so poignant.
      I am so sorry for the unexpected loss of your dear Mom.
      At a time when you needed a strong shoulder to lean on, and loving arms to console you, your cheater was not there.
      You were, and you are, the strong, loving person. You took care of your Mom, as she had cared for you.
      I wish you peace as you return to her beautiful resting place.

      (My cheater was not present during the illness, death, visitation, or funeral for my beloved Mom, or my Dad. I understand your pain).

      • After my dad’s funeral and all the visitors had left, my sister was making dinner for just the family. She made a slightly different version for the Twat because she knew he would prefer it. The Twat decided to drive down to a local pub (typical him – it was only about 200 metres but he had to drive). As he wasn’t showing up I walked down to the pub, took the car and brought it home. Then, later my BIL walked down to the pub (what the hell was he doing going there anyway), so he was roaring drunk so he picked him up and threw him into a large hedge (BIL was a cop btw). When ex staggered home he started a fight with EVERYONE – how nice that was for my grieving mom. We were sleeping outside in the camper and my sister was so worried about me that she spent most of the night sitting on the steps listening. The Twat once said to me that “ha BIL calls himself a cop, and he did NOTHING to help me that night when I fell into that hedge and got stuck” (he was that drunk). I only found out later that BIL was the one that threw him into it. His own dad died suddenly after our divorce. The Twat and one son flew to the States for the funeral and I found out several years later from my son that the Twat was so legless both at the funeral and the day that they were flying back to Europe that he didn’t think they would let him on the plane. Shame they did – he should have stayed there!

      • Same here peacekeeper, I took care of my mother while she had cancer and not surprisingly he didn’t offer condolences to me or my Dad. My parents were good to Cheater and his family.
        He presented himself as a Ron Howard all American guy, he turned out to be an evil imposter.
        as well as my biggest nightmare.
        My parents loved X and treated him as one of their own. I regret that I introduced him to my family.
        He did find the time to call my Mom while she was dying to let her know how happy he was that he left me and it was the best decision he ever made in his life.
        Cheater is a contradiction to the image he portrays in public.

      • Thank you so much Peacekeeper. I am so sorry that you experienced this as well. It’s a soulless bastard that could do this to those already in pain. A big hug to you.

  • Dr. Cheaterpants ran off into the sunset with second schmoopie – DD14’s 20-something asst sports coach in our kids’ Catholic High School while he is volunteer coaching too. He had left many years earlier for howorker (we both work at the same company, I didn’t know about her but she knew about me and played victim that I was being mean to her).

    He was pissed and shocked that I outed their twu wuvs to the school and they both got fired. He thought I could make it right by agreeing to him sitting behind the players while schmoopie continued to coach—uh, no. I seized the moment for getting a divorce quickly and he was so agreeable to everything I wanted, he couldn’t ditch me fast enough. He thought he’d pull her out of the woodwork as a legit relationship. Uh, no. People shun them and he’s no longer super sparkly in the middle of everything living off the glory of daughter whose a great player.

    The biggest thing I did to take back my life was to show up at our kids’ Catholic School and continue on as a sane parent. He thought he could just replace me with young schmoopie and everyone would be happy for their twu wuvs. Uh, no.

    I was absolutely horrified and humiliated at the time. Devastated. How do you compete with a 20-something girl when you’re a middle aged, 48 year old momma with the mommy body and raising kids while working full time? She definitely found the MD at the end of his name super attractive. He’s still running around with his young ho but he hasn’t brought her to the school for a while now. Poor schmoopie, life’s not fair to her even though cheater said ‘she’s innocent in all this’. Uh, no. No one’s buying that either.

    • Time is your friend. Her 20-something body won’t last forever. Just pat her on the head next time you see her, and say “Beauty fades, cutie pie” with a sweet smile. I LOVE that it was forced to become public – they’ll never really live it down. I felt humiliated for a long time but decided I was going to be upfront about what my ex did to absolutely anyone who asked and I’m SO GLAD I did. Even though we may feel humiliated, it is THEIR SHAME, not ours.

    • I can relate to the feeling of not being able to compete. My husband and a few of my boyfriends, all gone now, replaced me with younger, childless models (some really were models). Although I think that my mom body held up really well for someone in late middle age, I couldn’t compete with childless models 10-20 years younger. I have a full time plus job, young kids who need attention, at least some time, and wrinkles and cannot afford major plastic surgery every few months. Try as I might, my face looks my age! And although my family is not starving, I cannot get rich as I cannot go great guns (work tons of overtime) as a professional person to make big bucks all for me and acquire impressive titles and still spend time socializing several days per week to make a million friends. Guess to more men, especially childless men, than I would like to believe, middle-aged custodial mothers, especially if not financially loaded, are too burdensome to take on as a long-term romantic partner. We are just temporary morale booster/Mommy/party date/’entertainer’ until a woman they consider marriage material comes along.

    • It’s so obvious to me that you don’t have to compete with the 20 something twu wuv that I want to laugh! You’re so much better! Thanks for letting me look at the question I’ve asked a million times (my 50 year old ex seems to like his women closer to our kids’ ages than his own) and see a different perspective! Hold your head up high. Being the same parent matters so much!

  • Hannibal Lecher ruined every single significant event of my life, starting with the wedding (after which my “foreplay” was listening to him vomit up the wedding dinner because of how much gin he had consumed). Kids’ births? yup, tainted th