Dear Chump Lady,
I was wondering if this is a common saying that chumps hear on D-day.
Upon discovering my husband’ s texts to another person, he quickly said, “I’m done!” I answered with, “You’re done? I’m the one that’s done!” Here’s the kicker — he then says, “You’re doing exactly what she wants you to do”, about my leaving. (This person wasn’t the main event, just a person he talked to, who would listen to him complain about our marriage and stroke his ego.)
A couple weeks later, when I found out about the “main event,” (the woman he met at work a month prior), I busted him, and he responded with “You don’t know shit”, followed by “You hate women who make their man cheat, but you did just that!”, followed by, “Nobody wants to be with your ass anyway.”
Does this sound like projection or blameshifting? Is this a common tactic for cheaters?
Btw, I never, ever told him that I “hate women who make their men cheat.” Like, what???
Boy, what a charmer. I thought you were going to ask me for a good lawyer recommendation. Instead you want to know if cheaters blameshift?
Do bears poop in the woods? Is a frog’s ass water-tight? Does a one-legged duck swim in circles? Does Dolly Parton sleep on her back? Is the British cricket team South African? Does Rose Kennedy own a black dress?
Blameshifting is to cheating as biscuits are to gravy. It is the rare cheater who reacts to D-day with unvarnished honesty and remorse. (We call these mythical creatures “unicorns.”) You cannot cheat on someone without manipulating them. “It’s not what you think!” “That person is JUST A FRIEND!” “You’re crazy/insecure/paranoid/jealous/hormonal/irrational/controlling/hysterical/overly emotional….” Discovery just ratchets up their manipulation game a few notches. I’M NOT A PUPPET! YOU’RE THE PUPPET!
So of course he’s going to say stupid shit. He’s been in the power position and now he’s losing power. Can’t have you knowing things, so he goes on the offensive. He’s trying to put you back in the chump seat with mindfuckery.
It’s all very disorienting, I know. So I’ve created some Stupid Shit responses for you.
Don’t tell him you’re done, ACT done. Go see a lawyer, (don’t tip him off, just DO IT). Draw up papers. Make a plan. It’s no good flouncing about, announcing your intentions. He’ll just mindfuck you further. BE DONE.
“You’re doing exactly what she wants you to do.”
Then she’ll have him all to herself! Is that what you want? This is a none-too-subtle invitation to pick me dance. Oh that wily OW, you’re falling into her trap! Leaving him! You know what would show her? You standing your ground, trying harder to win your man… and maybe making him a sandwich. Boy, that would really fix her wagon.
The proper response to this nonsense is silence, followed by doing whatever the hell you want to do.
“You don’t know shit.”
Response: “Actually, I married him.”
“Me and Shit are intimately acquainted — he’s texting other women and fucking co-workers. So I left this Shit and now I know Peace.”
“You hate women who make their man cheat, but you did just that!”
Ye-ah. You’re the real misogynist here. (See projection above.)
I’m confused at how you’re so all-powerful, making men cheat, yet also such a passive titty baby, doing exactly what the OW wants. It’s baffling, but I’m sure it’s just all part of your evil plan.
Response: None required. If pressed, try: “You hate women. You cheat. You did this.”
Don’t expect to land any truth blows. I expect he’ll just bleat on about how you drove him to boink Betsy in accounting.
“Nobody wants to be with your ass anyway.”
Leave his ass.
Again, he’s ramping up the pick me dance threats. YOU’LL DIE ALONE! NO ONE WANTS YOU! DANCE, MOTHERFUCKER! DANCE!
You’re not the person who needs constant validation. You’re not fucking co-workers. Sounds to me like he’s terrified that no one wants his ass, so he’s forever testing that theory with his sad sausage pleas for attention and dick stroking. Is he projecting that on you? Of course he is.
There’s nothing to work with here, Allmyfault. And NONE of it is your fault. Quit with your field study of Stupid Shit Cheaters Say and leave him. If he wonders why, shrug, “Oh, I don’t know shit.” Or “Well, I’m doing exactly as the OW instructed.” Or “I thought I’d go make some other men cheat.”
But really, it’s best to just say nothing. Let your actions do the talking for you. Call a lawyer today.
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