Hi Chump Lady,
I wonder if I could get your take on something that’s bugging me. I am just over a year out from D-Day. My husband had been home a few months from an overseas Army assignment, and I discovered the REAL reason he wanted a divorce had less to do with falling out of love with me, as he claimed, and more to do with the Singaporean whore he was banging while he lived over there — now his new wife.
Here’s my problem: he told me all about this woman over the year he was away, describing her as a platonic friend. Just a nice, super friendly girl. She saw my picture at his apartment and said how pretty I was. When I went out to visit him for our 10th wedding anniversary, she wanted to pick me up at the airport for him and finally get to meet me, (which didn’t come to pass, thank god). Why in the world was she so friendly and even volunteering to meet me? She was definitely having sex with him at the time — I unfortunately found date-stamped, photographic proof. This question honestly keeps me up at night. It seems pretty heinous to try to meet and befriend the woman whose life you are destroying.
Also, during that affair year, she friended me on Facebook! I realize in retrospect that I was probably not privy to all the travel and kiss face pics with my ex that were shared. I still find it super creepy and puzzling though. What the hell?
Scoot over on the chump bench here. You’re in good company. I recently answered a letter from a chump whose OW sent her a brownie plate for her divorce care group. In fact, I experienced the Trojan Other Woman phenomenon myself. One of my ex’s parade of fuckbuddies came to our wedding and I paid her bar tab. She also gave us rides to the airport and watched the dog. So, what can I tell you? Sharks gotta swim, bats gotta fly, some bitches be crazy.
Please don’t lose sleep over this. That’s untangling the skein of fuckupedness. Yes, it’s super creepy, but mendacity is very common. People smiling to your face, only to stab you in the back. Have you ever been in the 8th grade? Worked in an office? Sat on a co-op board? People can be really shitty over a lot LESS. (I know… this is not a very cheery thought.)
So let’s turn our attention to mate poaching and Facebook friending. WTeverlivingF? Why would a woman who is fucking your husband want to pick you up at the airport? I’ll untangle the skein, if you promise to accept these unsatisfying theories and work towards meh. The important takeaways are — She sucks. Your ex sucks. Get away from them.
Here’s my problem: he told me all about this woman over the year he was away, describing her as a platonic friend.
“She’s Just a Friend” is the most well-worn phrase in the pantheon of Stupid Shit Cheaters Say. (Followed by, “What? You don’t want me to have friends?”) The person you trusted most in the world, your husband, told you the threat level was zero. She comes in peace. She’s just a really, friendly girl. You were broadsided later because you trusted him. He set you up, lied to you, and gaslighted you about the nature of the relationship. She was complicit in this, of course, as she knew he was married.
So why would she want to meet you? Or FRIEND you?
1.) She’s assessing your threat level. By wanting to meet you, or stalk your Facebook page (as a “friend”), she’s doing reconnaissance. Do you look like a crazy, sexless woman who’s never let him know true happiness? He lies to her too. She wants to see who she’s pick me dancing against and assure herself that by God, yes you DO look crazy, sexless, and joyless in those Disney World selfies. She can WIN this.
2.) She’s a sicko who also enjoys the power trip. The biggest high from cheating is duper’s delight — the excitement in knowing something you don’t know. He gets off on it, she gets off on it. What’s more naughty than having the chump around, unknowingly humiliating them? That’s why affair partners get invited to your dinner parties, baby-sit your children, and ask you for free legal advice. Your vulnerability excites them. It’s extra terrific if you’re nice to them, or useful.
Also he’s goading her into the pick me dance. She’d probably enjoy goading him back. Having you around shifts the power terrain. She can subtly — or not so subtly — threaten him with telling you. (OW often want commitments from cheaters. It’s baffling.) That’s why she didn’t get invited to the airport. He can’t trust her. And she doesn’t trust him — they’re going to have an awesome marriage Liz.
3.) She’s dealing with her own cognitive dissonance. Freaks need impression management — not just for others, but for themselves. I’m not a horrible woman who fucks other women’s husbands, I’m a thoughtful person who gives rides to the airport! Who bakes brownies for Divorce Care! Who rewards all the bereft children with iPads! Whatever keeps the I’m A Good Person narrative alive. She needs to be “nice”, so she’s not so bad.
Besides, if she can get YOU to play along with OW Is My Friend, well, then everything is all for the best! No harm, no foul. Don’t go down the skein of “Hey, if I’m so crazy, sexless, and joyless, why do you want to be my friend?” IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU, LIZ.
And that’s where we’re going to end it — It’s NOT about you, Liz. Your ex is a horrible person, she is a horrible person, and it is ZERO reflection on you. These people operate in their own narcissistic universes. You’re just a prop in their fuckwit Thunderdome. The only thing you can do when confronted with mendacious fuckwits is to get far away from them. You’ve succeeded. Now — go get a good night’s rest.
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