When the Reconciliation Industrial Complex describes infidelity, it invariably minimizes the experience as a “mistake” or worse — a magical path of cheater self-discovery (a la Esther Perel’s “exuberant acts of defiance.”) In any case, monogamy isn’t natural and you’d best stop your sniveling and ask yourself what you did to be so unlovable. While glossing over the traumatic nature of being chumped, the RIC tends to leave out the details.
Sure, there was cheater flirting, sex, and naughty thrill-seeking. Left out? Missing money, pregnancy scares, STDs… I could go on. (This blog goes on… closing in on 20 million now…)
Of course, as chumps, we didn’t KNOW about the cheating, until we did. My “fun” Friday question for you is — what ELSE didn’t you know about? Exactly how in the dark were you?
For me — I didn’t know about his kid. I didn’t know about his debt. I didn’t know he’d flunked the Bar several times and wasn’t the super genius he purported himself to be. A lot more than his love was fraudulent.
Now, I might be an extreme case of chumpdom, but I think a lot of you could go head-to-head with me for the chump crown. My point is, where there is one lie (JUST A FRIEND), there tends to be a lot of other lies too. I’m sure I don’t know the half of them.
So let’s debunk the narrative that affairs are a couple of splendid, ethical people whose hearts want what they want. Aside from the clandestine fuckbuddy(s), what else didn’t you know about?
(And remember — a clandestine fuckbuddy is ENOUGH to trust that they suck. This is not encouragement to pain shop or engage in further discovery missions. Details usually come to light later. People who betray you are not known for their unvarnished honesty and full disclosure.)
TGIF!
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I just found out about a secrete savings account he’s had for the last 7 years. It has $40,000.00 in it. He said he “forgot about it. Totally forgot it even existed. Sorry ‘bout that.” He forgot? Nah. Normal people forget about $40.00 bucks, $400 even and MAYBE MAYBE (and this a strong AF MAYBE) $4,000.00. But not $40 grand.
I didn’t know his mom actually met her and his sisters family went on a trip with him and his 25yo money hungry slut.
They’ve known and been with each other longer than I found evidence for. A year. It’s been a year, evidentially.
Enough about what I don’t know.
Where’s a few things I DO KNOW:
1. I do know his choices are not my fault.
2. I do know and trust that he sucks.
That’s all I need to know.
Yep, it’s all part of the cheater playbook. Secret safety deposit box with years of stashed thousands? He also “completely forgot” about the contents. Yet when he was busted, said, “I knew this day was coming.” Then proceeded with the sad sausage narrative that I divorced him because I wanted out of the marriage.
I’m so glad to be free from the constant lies. I hope you’re free as well, NotToday.
You and me BOTH I was so tired of the lies, cheating in our marital bed, yes I repeat the “MARITAL” bed and stealing money from the government!
FindingBliss,
I hope to feel free soon enough. Looking for work is NOT the same as it was 20 years ago. And sadly I have a HUGE gap in my resume. I know I will figure it out. Without him. Which is bonus.
Thanks for your encouragement. ????
Yikes! Do you at least get half of the $40,000?
Look into the laws. I believe in my state of you can prove he was trying to conceal assests you get all of it. As for mine….he tried to hide his other 2 pensions. Hopefully this will pan out on the QDRO. go be mighty!!
A secret bank account that hed had for at least 5 years that he was putting wads into whilst I paid for food, fuel, holidays with the kids etc.
The times I had a ‘ weird’ feelng but then thought, no, he would NEVER do that! Was he really doing that?
The lies he told about our relationship.
To be honest, I wonder what else is out there that I didnt know about..
I trusted him 110% only to discover he is a total fake and can lie like a pro. Who knows!
I didn’t know he was on Ashley Madison. I have been divorced from cheater ex for 8 months now and just found that out. Private eye (custody issues) broke the news to me. My reply: meh. Of course he was. I trust that he sucks.
I do know he was shagging 3 of us at same time.
I do know he went on holiday with each of us to same destination.
I do know he was seeing 1st OW straight after our daughter was born, if not before.
I do know he was setting up a business with 1st OW, yet saying to us it was our family business. Using my money.
I do know he was shagging 2nd OW in his workplace.
I do know he lied to majority of his friends that he could drive.
I do know he told most of them he had a Gaz army truck! He never has.
I do know he told them he was buying a new car and sent them photos. I was buying a new car with my parents help!
I do know he stole a pair of boots I’d never yet worn to give to 2nd OW for her Christmas present.
I do know that 1st OW had no clue about 2nd OW. I had to tell her.
I do know he told them both I had walked out on him and kids.
I do know he lied to me for 2 decades about his family origin.
I do know he is a self confessed pathogical liar. Even for the small things.
I do know he doesn’t give a shit about his children.
I do know he is disordered.
I do know my teenage sweetheart turned out to be a fake.
I do know I will get over this in some way.
I do know I never want anything to do with him EVER!
How horrible, NoWay. I’m sorry you had to live through finding all that out about your X.
Just a few:
– His mortgage was $1.4 million, not $700,000.
– He’s 10 years older than me, not 8
– He leased his car, not bought it.
– He stopped at McDonalds every day but claimed to never eat junk food.
– He did not lay the floor tile in his kitchen himself. A contractor did.
– I was wife #5, not #3.
And my personal favorite…
– He paid a breeder $800 for the cat, not $75 from the local shelter.
The therapists said these all fell under the “deceptive compartmentalized life” of a sex addict and that he could be “cured” of his compulsive lying. I smoked that hopium – for about 6 months.
What the actual fuck ?
As a chump who’s ex is also a major pathological liar about most everything, good on you for moving away from that bs therapist’s “ opinion “
It wasn’t just one therapist. It was 4 different “sex addiction therapists” over the course of a year. This is standard stuff under their dangerous model. Which also included downplaying the abusive incidents I shared with them: hitting me in the head with a pillow in anger after I repeatedly told him to stop, throwing a glass of water on me, grabbing my arm in anger in the lobby of a restaurant in front of strangers and our kids, poking me in the back as I went down the stairs to get away from him, poking me in the chest when I was pinned up against the kitchen cabinets, hitting me over the head with the flowers I’d sent him, reaching over and turning off my car while I was driving on the highway at night. Not one of them said any of these were abuse. In fact, the general statement was that he was angry because either I was on to his secret life and he was afraid of being exposed (earlier incidents) or he was feeling ashamed because I found out about his secret life (later incidents).
The compulsive lying and abuse weren’t the results of an “addiction” to cheap back page whores. Rather the prostitutes were just part of a serious mental disorder that therapy could never fix.
Public Service Announcement: stay away from “sex addict therapists”. They serve the disordered, not you the victim.
Ugh! Those people should NOT be allowed to practice! I am SO sorry that you had such terrible therapists, Geode. That was CLEARLY abuse and his feelings or thoughts are NOT justification for any of it. “Sex addiction” if it is anything is NOT curable. There is no treatment to make a disordered person ordered.
You are well rid of that monster.
I didn’t know about the gifts.
I didn’t know about the gift cards.
I didn’t know about the negative account balance resulting from him sending her money.
I didn’t know about the 5-8 hour phone calls while I was working night shift or sleeping during the day.
I didn’t know that when I paid off his exorbitant credit cards so we could build our dream house, that he’d just start all over and end up with more credit card debt.
I didn’t know that he’d leave me with a mortgage that was $700 more than I take home in a month.
I didn’t know he’d remarry the day before what would have been our 3rd wedding anniversary.
So sorry MFChump. It sounds like we were married to the same type.
I didn’t know about the gifts, although three years after DD I discovered a hoard of wrapped gifts with cards waiting to be given and empty jewellery boxes kept as trophies after the jewellery was given.
I didn’t know about the 330 overseas text messages sent in 24 hours while he was “too sick to get out of bed” and I was looking after him.
I didn’t know he had been repeating the OW pattern throughout our 27 years of marriage.
I didn’t know he bought the gifts, dinners, condoms etc using my credit card, which I had to pay off after he left.
What I do know is when he asked to come back because he missed being part of a family, and that other wives are fine with OW being in the mix, I was right to say NO WAY!
I can relate to this so much.
I’m certain I don’t know a huge percentage of what he did during our 25-year marriage, but I will never forget my shaking hands holding the itinerary that I discovered for the swank vacation he took with another woman. I was stuck at home with my daughter trying to survive another summer in a crappy neighborhood of a crummy city, and I was able to track their island-hopping through Greece and Turkey. No C-class hovels without plumbing or window screens for them; nope, it was first-class travel all the way. Later I discovered that in order to finance the vacation that he “deserved for working so hard,” he sold a large chunk of our “underperforming” stocks.
That happened several years ago, before our divorce. Last week he called me to say that he needed a $25,000 home-equity loan in order to pay off his high-interest AmEx bill, and would I please sign some papers moving the alimony lien to third place, otherwise, the bank wouldn’t approve his loan. And no, Poopsie wasn’t on the mortgage because, after her house had gotten repossessed, her credit is worse than his.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Karma finally hit them! And yes, I allowed him to get the home equity loan because I need him to keep his head above water and continue paying alimony. However, there is a little bit more spring in my step whenever I think about that karma dolmus bearing down on them.
Found out during the divorce that when we first met in 2001, unbeknownst to me he was actually still living with his ex fiancée, who had gone out of town that weekend to book the venue for their wedding reception. He apparently ghosted on her and immediately started lovebombing me. Never knew he’d been engaged before or lived with anyone before.
We later married (he wanted to do it super fast but I made him wait 2 years), eventually had 3 kids, while he had secret gay affairs with supposedly straight male married friends of his the whole time, then days before my 40th birthday, he suddenly walked out on me after tricking me and my parents into a cross country move to a state where we did not have any connections nor know a soul. Surprise! But everyone thinks he’s a great guy and I’m a crazy person. Rinse and repeat.
He would tell me bills were paid but they weren’t. I asked how he could afford a golf membership, he told me it was free but couldn’t find the receipt. He told me he was “storing” a motorbike for a friend. Of course what I didn’t know was that the “friend” was the AP. I used to fantasize about what it would be like to live without him and all his lies. Now I know- Life is good!
Same here, LovedandLost. How silly of me to assume the mortgage and electricity were paid. He was spending all of that money on stuff that he was hiding from me: ski equipment, new boobs for the OW, bikes, travel, wining and dining the slunt.
Then telling me there was no money to buy winter boots and slickers for the children.
I’m usually at Meh but do sometimes allow myself to fantasize about him growing old alone. The final and unavoidable karma for the disordered.
Here too. DD1 he skipped a couple of days before the Bailiffs came knocking. I had to face them with two under tens clinging to my legs. But I’m a mean bitter bitch for not forgiving a ‘mistake’.
My ex lost his 4th surgical position in 2 years, is doing temp work in a rural area and is the defendant in 3 legal actions, one of which is being covered online and in print by the newspaper, complete with his picture. Beep beep, karma bus!
Ya mine isnt public so he can fly under the wire. He has 3 judgements against him but as long as he’s self-employed and “low-income”, the only apparent consequence is bad credit. He lives by the adage that “You can’t get blood from a stone”
He spent my half of our income tax , profit from sale of our first home, insurance checks etc. Even Xmas money for both of us from his mom….wait for it.. on himself! and was not putting a dime in this imaginary savings account I never saw… I couldn’t afford a pair of Wal-Mart shoes and he was buying 3,000.00$ bicycles.. padding his retirement and really just enjoying the hell out of life..along with screwing everything and everyone he possibly could.. I thought my ex best friend was the only one but apparently it was 3 or 4 maybe more of what I thought were our married couple friends.. seems I also didn’t know I was the only one into boring old faithfulness and integrity. They can all take a flying f@#k straight to pervert hell. Sick bitches for real! Happy Friday chumps rock on.
Something about $3,000 bicycles, N2U, the Douchebag bought one of those also. I discovered that one of DB’s targets liked to ride bikes. Also found more than $10K cash in a safe after I guessed the combination correctly. Took a few tries. People tell me in DB’s defense that this might have been in preparation for an Armageddon-like situation where ATMs cease to work and cash needs to be available. Maybe but I doubt it. It was not an even amount, which indicates to me that DB had been drawing from it over time like a bank. I am so grateful for CL and the wisdom I find here on CN.
Yeah, because cash will be useful when the end of the world comes, or gold. Dirty paper and heavy, too-soft-to-be-useful metal. Hoarding Xanax, penicillin and OxyContin, yes, you will be RICH post-apocalypse.
He was saving his money for the post-divorce life, and hiding that from you, because he knew you’d want YOUR HALF.
LOL, I love it!????????????????????????
Well gosh, one bike wasn’t enough for Assholio. He needed a $3k road racing bike, a $1k mountain bike, and a $600 bike for “general purposes.” And don’t forget all the expensive gear, like those fabulous racing jerseys and super-light helmets…
Your story of expensive bikes is eerily familiar. My stupid cheating lesser third said he needed a new road bike to help him deal with his emotions, not as a prize for bad behavior. He continued cheating. Karma came to visit when he forgot that the bike was in top of the car and he drove it into the garage. Lol. Karma is awesome.
Sausalito, ana.. cycling is one of the most expensive “hobbies” you can have.. my dickslingers has 2 3,000.00$ bikes a 600.00 mountain bike and another road bike 400.00$ plus the 500.00$ go pro camera and all the bells and whistles… he refuses to ride with me and was angry I joined his bike club so after 15 years with the club as a dedicated never missed a ride or meeting guy.. he quit. I can’t help but wonder if he was cheating with someone (s) or using the club as cover… he also had a 310.00$ a year gym membership but never lost weight or got in shape despite riding working out 6 days a week…. I couldn’t afford a pair of socks but his gay outfit to ride cost at least 300.00$ the damn shoes cost 100.00$ when I see how he made me and the kids live while he spent my money and his on his selfish greedy cheating entitled scrawny ass I want to punch him in the tiny dick and step on his neck till he turns purple. What a total wussy.. and it took me 24 years to figure him out! What a super chump…
I think it is interesting that there is a little cohort here of chumps with exes that are cyclists. My ex was/is a cyclist. Lots of money spent there and a lot of time out “training”.
I didn’t know that the relationship did involve sex almost from the beginning when he swore (and still does) that it was only an emotional affair.
I didn’t know about their “dates” – beach days when he took time off work, overnight in the city, baseball games, amusement part (how old are we?), dinners. Going with her to her family cottage to be with her parents and children. He claimed that he would just go over to her house to talk, drink some wine, watch a movie, because she was good company and a good listener.
I didn’t know about an emotional attachment he had with one of the mom’s from the kids’ school three years ago. She explained that there was a flirtation at that time because she was having issues with her husband’s infidelity and enjoyed the friendship she was having with my husband. However, she wasn’t looking to have an affair with him, and he suddenly was sharing his dreams of them pursuing something together.
I didn’t know that he had been watching pornography regularly the last few years. Studies are showing that the high stimulation that men feel from watching porn is a huge killer of intimacy in a marriage. Men will lose attraction for their wives as the stimulation in real life interaction with the spouse cannot compare to the self-centred gratifciation of porn.
I didn’t know that he was starting to visit the casino more often on his own. More addictive behaviour.
I didn’t know that he still maintained contact with the other woman during 12 weeks of marriage counselling last spring.
Didn’t know that he connected with her during a trial separation in which he wanted some time on his own to screw his head on straight.
Didn’t know that he applied the marriage principles learned from our couple’s therapy weekend last fall to their relationship instead to demonstrate that he knows how they are going to beat the odds of affair relationships lasting.
Didn’t know that he created an email account two weeks after swearing to me that he wanted to do everything to save our marriage last October (told me that he had clarity of thought and knew that leaving me was the biggest mistake he could ever make, apologized to members of my family for hurting me, made arrangements for more counselling, etc.) and used that email account to maintain communication with the OW while he systematically dismantled the marriage by Christmas.
Didn’t know that each time he started talking about how being around me does nothing but cause him anxiety really meant that she was back in the picture (Honey, that anxiety is called “guilt” – hate to break it to you.).
Didn’t know how much he SUCKED. Realizing now more and more each day.
“Studies are showing that the high stimulation that men feel from watching porn is a huge killer of intimacy in a marriage. Men will lose attraction for their wives as the stimulation in real life interaction with the spouse cannot compare to the self-centred gratifciation of porn.”
It beat my ego all to hell when I realized that for him, sex with a real live willing partner is the equivalent of ‘bad porn’.
Porn is serious shit. Yes, it harms marriages. It also harms school boys, yah, elementary age boys. They come to school with their swagger and sneers and bullish ways towards girls. Too early interest in all-things sexual. Protection from Porn is one cause we chumps should take on.
Couldn’t agree more. I have seen SO much devastation caused by porn and the effect it has, especially on men. I despise it.
Sure is, NSC. Mr. Sparkles would leave his dirty hand towels on top of the laundry pile as an added insult to me… a sick, twisted “look what you make me do” gaslight.
If only I had that kind of power – to control a person’s mind and actions – I think I might’ve used it to keep my husband from being a lying whore instead of using it to make him cheat and jerk off to porn.
The karma bus for compulsive porn users (male) is generally ED.
Ex — who decided that sex with the computer screen and his hand was better quality than a willing wife — is now doing everything he can to get his poor, limp dick to stand at attention. This includes natural remedies that I can only guess taste like $hit, pumps, creams, gels and lotions. I know this because he has been too lazy to change the billing address on his credit card and it came to my house and “accidentally” got opened. By me. hahaha About ten lines were bills from companies like Mens Natural Health, Power Sex Supplements, Love Pumps Inc, etc.
Can’t believe that I ever felt attracted to him in any way, because now when I think about his disgusting, jiggly, hairy, flaccid body — I throw up in my mouth.
And now the slunt takes a strap on dildo pumping from his frustrated ass. hahahaha!!!!
Oh the irony of THAT karma bus.
Karma indeed. Yes there is a satisfaction to knowing it.
My hubby had been suffering a lot of ED, more and more over the years. Never would go to the doctor about it. I wouldn’t engage him anymore because I didn’t want him to feel bad.
I discovered that he was watching porn regularly through a questionnaire that he filled out for the second marriage counsellor we attempted to see (never got to this issue because we only had three sessions). I dug into the computer to find his answers to the questionnaire we both had to fill out. On the intimacy section, he admitted that he’s been watching porn regularly for a few years, but that he hadn’t watched any in the last year. Well, the last year is when the affair started. He traded in the porn for the real deal.
I have a hard time believing that he is suddenly at maximum performance with this woman. His family doctor recently left a message on my voicemail (I guess he forgot to change his contact information at the office) that they would like for him to return. I don’t think he went to the doctor more than a handful of times in the 15 years I’d known him and now the doctor’s office is calling him back. That would only be to discuss test results. Just saying…
Call the Dr and tell them he doesn’t live there anymore, do not leave messages. It feels good to do this and it’s good for you. I took great pleasure in telling any callers for exasshole that he no longer was at this number or address and to cease contacting me. Stop thinking about his bullshit ED, his problem now, not yours. Jedi Hugs!
Yes I return any mail that comes for ex narc. Just write “return to sender, no longer at this address” and pop it right back in the mail box. I know alot of the ones i get are collection notices by the way the outside looks. Ha ha ha what a looser! Im so glad I’m not married to him anymore and responsible for his debt.
As Dr. Fucktard funds it harder and harder to get and keep a surgical position, he can start writing scripts for the magic elixir he self prescribed and injected into his broken dick to give it some life. There seems to be plenty of ex assholes with ED here to make it a legit business.
Hahaha! Dr. Fucktard and my Ex could go into business when they both lose their licenses!
What I didn’t know-Ex was a porn (and hooker) addicted cheater too. He failed to disclose that minor fact before we were married.
What I didn’t know-Why I was lost in the ‘dick desert’ for years after we married wondering why we were practically sexless and when we tried to have sex, the dick didn’t work. But of course, that was all MY fault for a multitude of reasons-not young, skinny, Asian, etc. Que the excessive porn use & hookers.
What I didn’t know-That was not how a normal marriage is supposed to be. No married couples really have sex, right?!
What I didn’t know-Cheater was convinced the porn was REAL & that the hookers really wanted him because he was so great. There aren’t words.
What I didn’t know-That cheater kept multiple porn stashes complete with DVD’s with his ratings scrawled on them in black sharpie-“great” “good” “bad” …………Seriously.
What I didn’t know-That cheater was filling & using multiple Viagra prescriptions-just not with me. Viagra doesn’t work with your wife.
What I didn’t know-Who the hell I was married to & anything about his “other life” every day when he walked out the door. That was the tough one to get over.
What I know now-I am glad to be rid of that disordered, narcissist freak. He can no longer hurt me. His shame was not mine to bear. There is peace and happiness in my house. I wish I would have left sooner. The pain IS finite. I am a good person worthy of a wonderful life & love. I am going to make the rest of my life the best of my life. I am happy now.
Was thinking that today, my ex used to crap on about his anxiety, never would do anything about it for more than 2 sessions but really it was just guilt or his conscience plaguing him!
Yes we feel shitty and anxious when we do bad stuff.
‘He claimed that he would just go over to her house to talk, drink some wine, watch a movie, because she was good company and a good listener.’
Hahahahah! Ohhhh so familiar. Same here. EVEN the time they met at a hotel room, it was for talking! I’ve been around them a bunch, she was a neighbor, and they did blab about the most stupid shit.
But nah, they were having sex. Talking must be code for sex.
Haha I got the good listener line too. Like I told the mow’s husband/original ap, “of course she was a good listener, she couldn’t talk with his dick in her mouth.”
My ex lied about finances, suicide attempt, ow was abuse as a child, that was a lie her dad was in prison, a lie, he was working at night, no he was with prostitutes, he said the prostitutes were always happy, probably a lie. He denied having sti, saw medical report. Apparently she had a abortion.
I didn’t know that he was stashing cash in his parents safe.
I didn’t know about his secret cell phone.
I didn’t know that he also was making dates on facebook with other women. While he was cheating with my cousin.
I didn’t know that he was telling his family and lawyer that I was a nut job.
I didn’t know while he was cheating with my cousin. That he was telling her I was crazy, lazy, could not keep jobs. And that I liked to rack up credit card debt.
Those are things I found out about. Who knows what other lies he told about me. Funny how he forgot to tell them that he verbally abused me for most of our marriage. That he refused to put me on his health insurance. Hardly gave me money towards bills. I could go on and on.
I was crazy and lazy, too! 🙂
But he could not tell OW that I was a penny-pincher, because he thinks she’s worse than me. Spoiler: none of us are, probably.
Methinks they doth project too much.
Not the exact words, but very close to crazy and lazy:
The kind lady who came to my house to inform me the Python told her he was divorced and that they’d been having fuckfests for a few weeks said I was described by him as “depressed and lazy.” Not only that, but after our supposed divorce, he told her I was sleeping on my brother’s couch because I had no place else to go.
Isn’t it ironic? HE’S now the one sleeping on the couch.
And lazy? If he takes out the garbage (he almost left without doing it today; I had to remind him) he has done his one and only chore for the week. He does NOTHING else around the house. Except his own laundry – and he doesn’t even do that very often: when I saw him walking around with the same picked-zit blood stains on his underpants on two different days, I realized that I seldom see him washing whites. EWWWW!
TMI – he probably has a zitty butt (such big stains, I’m thinking they might be boils) because he wears dirty underpants. BARF.
I love stories where the cheater makes future predictions for chumps but the karma bus rolls in and gives them exactly what they predicted for us.
Worm, “You think anyone will want you? One day, you’ll see! I’ll be moving all my things out and another woman will be helping me!”
Guess what? Ten months after I left a wonderful man was helping me move out all my things. Actually glad the Worm wasn’t there to see it. It felt incredible!
Hopium4years, why is he in your house? Please get him out for your own sanity. Jedi Hugs!
I did not know about the teenage erotica reading.
I did not know the cheating started when I got pregnant.
I did not understand the extent of the gaslighting (even though he had pushed me into a psychatric clinic).
I did not know how much he had lied to her about me.
I did not know he had flunked the Mensa test majestically. He had told me before his IQ was over 130.
I did not know about the STD tests and the cancer test he had gotten.
I did not he had taken my toddler twice to meet the OW and her family.
I did not realised how arrogant he was and how entitled he felt.
And the secret Facebook account 😀
Yep. Apparently Facebook automatically registers you as single and interested in women, and he didnt know how to change it. No wonder he didnt make much as a graphic designer.
I got the same explanation here 😀
My cheater is among other things… a data engineer. Rofl.
So delusional, to think you’re such a genius you go take a Mensa test! And you fail it ????
I took the test out of curiosity, and got admitted 🙂
That’s why he wanted to take the test.
So, to everyone in the Chump Nation: you can be a genius and a total chump. Well, at least you can pass a Mensa test and be a total chump 😀
Yesterday he was rocking backwards and forwards, like a child in a Romanian orphanage.
Yeah. I’ve seen the theatrics.
Nothing like the mask getting ripped off and their true colors revealed to stress them out.
Mine was as cold as an executioner the night of discovery. When he told his stripper AP that we were going to go to counseling (we had 2 babies so I begged to fix things, thank god we didn’t) she said she thought she might be pregnant. He suddenly began wildly flailing around, rocking back and forth, and went to the floor in hysterics. I have never seen anything like it. Leaving me and his 1 and 2 year old and moving thousands of miles away? Emotionally unphased. Real life consequences hitting him? Mental breakdown. What a dishonorable dirtbag.
The ONLY time I saw cheater pants ever cry and get emotional and shake was when he was about to get busted for embezzlement. Never saw him cry one tear in his whole life before that. And not once after he left me and the grandbabies did I see an ounce of remorse. Only saw emotion when it was all about him.
The only time the donkey cried, was when he found out that AW he was preparing to run away with was also shagging one or more of his friends. So much for soulmates and ‘twu wuv’. What a pair of assholes!
The only time Golden D##k cried was also for himself. All three of our adult children cut him out of their lives completely after the latest DDay and he had a panic attack, crying and screaming. I thought that he was having a nervous breakdown. He never shed one tear over the pain and horror he caused us over the first major DDay, when he left us for the MOW while all the kids were young and still living at home. He never cried over the many STDS he gave me throughout the years. He never cried over the $65,000 he spent on his whoring around just in the last 10 years. He never cried over the emotional devastation he caused when all the acting out behaviors were revealed right before the holidays last year. He never cried for anyone other than himself, but he SAID he hurt himself as much or more than he hurt us by his continual cheating and lying for over 40 years. So his pain was equal to, or greater than, ours? I don’t think so, F-wit. If he felt so much pain for hurting us, why did it go on and on for decades? I saw some naked pictures taken of him by one of his Craigslist f##k buddies. He sure didn’t look like he was in pain, quite the opposite in fact. He looked very pleased with himself. So go on and cry, you pitiful excuse for a man. No one cares.
Thanks for that. I’ve been in the know for 16 years, contemplating divorce but smoking my hopium. Only recently did I realize nothing has changed and I’m not doing anything to change it. He’s not motivated to change but he gives a good show of it. Sometimes I feel so bad that I’ve stayed so long. And then you come on and tell a story and I close my eyes and sigh with relief. It’s been a 26 year marriage. I’m making changes in myself and for myself. It will take a little more time but that’s okay. He’s putting on a good show right now of pretending to work on his issues. I need another year to do me. Get my life in order physically, mentally, emotionally, financially, and spiritually.
There’s a lot I don’t know. What I do know is that this is not the relationship I want. What I do know is that sometimes a wave of affection washes over me and I have to stop myself from saying, “I’m going to miss you.” I will, in some ways. But his addiction is just too big and unaddressed for me to want to stay. I wish him success and happiness but I want half his pension or whatever I am entitled to.
What I do know is that I am okay but I’m going to be more okay.
OMG!????????????????????????
16 years wow- omg life is too short wow what you have missed, your youth and all of Gods plans for you for those miserable years, I think of staying for a bit but 16 years seems like pretty long death sentence to me- hell no I would live under a bridge if it had to go that long… and I have to reinvent myself as well because I am disabled and he was the provider work vs medical care, scary thought but so sorry to hear so long…
Ugh… add complete “ shut down” – inability to leave the bed, blank look, silence and a coma like behavior,,,
Now, the funny part comes:
Nope, he was not cheated on, no he was not lied to, his life was not in danger, he didn’t loose job, money , no one died….
Shut down was caused by me, expressing my anger and hurt over his stupid actions, that by the luck only- haven’t resulted in all the above( me and kids on the receiving end of course)
Yet, while he was “ shutting down due to hurt feelings” I was going back to reality in a speed of life, taking care of our children’s well being.
Yup, while he was sitting on the back porch in his dissociative state every evening, I was planning my escape.
It was so hard, I lost so much, but life is SO GREAT! So great without a liar and covert coward.
I dont recall ever writing about this before because I didnt know how to frame it, but sometime after he said he wanted a divorce but perhaps just before I learned of his affair, he laid on the floor of our upstairs…in a loose fetal position and went into a sort of fugue state where he seemed to refuse to respond to outside stimulus.It went on for the better part of maybe 3
To this day I have no idea if he was in straight-up mental decompensation or if he was faking as a tool of manipulation – Im somewhat pissed that I was so freaking nice to him. If I had done such a thing, he would have teased and tormented and held it against me forever.
I was way too nice to him.
Manipulation. Mine did that but got no response from me. It lasted about 45 minutes.
So weird…after he demanded a divorce and i immediately put 2 and 2 together telling him he fucked us over and bankrupted the family he rolled around on the bed in the foetal position (i remember specifically it was that position he adopted) and cried like a baby for a few minutes before getting up and acting like nothing happened…. bat shit crazy
Yes you were I told mine to go to HELL right after I called him out on all his BULLSHIT!
At one of my support group meetings a woman told about how her husband followed her around the house one night, claiming in a perfect voice to have swallowed drain opener because she was leaving him.
She called 911.
My ex crawled into the closet and laid down on the floor because he couldn’t take “all the aggression.” He was referring to my screaming and crying because Dday #2. Ugh.
In 35 years I’d barely seen my ex shed a tear except once when he was in physical pain because his appendix was bursting. But after Dday he laid on our couch in a fetal position sobbing for days. I seriously thought he had a brain tumor or some mental illness. I kept trying to get him to see a doctor but he refused. To this day I don’t know whether it was a mental breakdown or a just another way to manipulate me. It certainly made me feel sorry for him…until I learned more about his relationship with his married coworker.
Mine sat at the kitchen table and cried while filling out paper work for a new job, because he was so alone and had no one. I did not know at the time he was having an affair (found out 3 days later) and could not figure out what he was talking about. He was leaving for the week to work 2 hours away, but would be home weekends until we could sell the house and join him… yeah right!
I think they cry for themselves because it is so hard to HAVE to stay with us (their loving family) when they want to leave but then EVERYONE will know they are turds so they cry for their problem.
I didn’t know he was cheating with a coworker.
I didn’t know he was hiding money.
I didn’t know he was going to buy a business with the other woman two months before our divorce was final
I didn’t know all his friends and some of his family knew what he was doing.
I didn’t know how despicable his family was until they disowned me and my daughter (his stepdaughter) after 23 years of marriage.
I also didn’t know how much my life would improve when all the toxic disordered people were out of my life ????
I did not know:
That he had an “affair” bank account.
That he took her out to dinner every Wednesday night.
That he lost over $30,000 in penny slot machines in one a one half years.
That this was the reason that the ho never came over to say hello to me at his retirement party.
That he “retired” because he was getting fired.
That he stole the safe deposit box so he could accumulate cash.
That he gave her the leftover paint from my renovated bathroom…and maybe even painted her bathroom himself? It was a very unusual color and the odds of her bathroom being the same color are astronomical. Plus, the remaining paint is missing.
That while I was begging him to intervene on the estrangement of our youngest son, he saw this as the perfect opportunity to actually use parental alienation (lest someone discover the affair).
That while I was putting daily eye drops in his eyes (post retinal detachment surgery), he was sleeping with someone else.
That he purchased trip cancellation coverage on my birthday.
That he changed from Viagra to Cialis.
That I was being compared…from condition of skin to behavior in bed.
That the Saturday before he left (overnight at the casino with the guys), actually was at the Marriott with her, took her to a wine bar and I actually paid for an additional bottle for the room.
My son did not know that while his father asked him to bring trailer to her house to help a coworker…his dad was sleeping with her.
And finally, I never knew that I was married to such an ASS!
evil bastard
“That he lost over $30,000 in penny slot machines in one a one half years”. Wow! That’s a lot of pennies.
I found out during the divorce that he was seeing someone two weeks before our wedding. And we were married for 26 years. Someone told a dear friend that the ex was seeing someone but this dear friend liked the ex so much that he thought it was a lie.
Until I read this today, I had forgotten all about it. Remembering this historical fact (yep, no emotional charge at all) made me grateful I am rid of him. Meh really rocks. For those out there who think that you cannot get to meh, you really can. Just keep on working through the pain. The pain IS finite.
I found out my ex cheated on me when we were engaged. That’s when learned all the marriage counseling for Ddays 1 & 2; and all the money I spent on it, was a complete scam. Hours and hours of being told that affair was my fault because I wasn’t paying enough attention to the douchebag, too busy taking care of everything else (job, kids, dog, earning all the money) to take care of his needs, what did I expect? I referred to MC as chemotherapy. I was being told by a licensed professional that listening to his reasons for cheating was a necessary part of the healing process. “I have never been sexually satisfied in our marriage” was the poison I was expected to swallow to kill the cheating cancer that I had allowed to fester by not making him central at all times.
Then I found out about Dday 3, which was actually the first time he cheated. Wait, you mean you cheated on me when I was young and beautiful and we were “in love”? What a chump I was. Still waiting for a refund from my MC and an apology from my IC for not telling me to run from this loser.
My I.C. tells me she thought my ex was capable of becoming faithful after cheating, because she has seen other people do it. I’m gonna call bullshit on that.
I can’t seem to post, so here goes again… Sorry if this is a duplicate.
I’m certain I don’t know a huge percentage of what he did during our 25-year marriage, but I will never forget my shaking hands holding the itinerary that I discovered for the swank vacation he took with another woman. I was stuck at home with my daughter trying to survive another summer in a crappy neighborhood of a crummy city, and I was able to track their island-hopping through Greece and Turkey. No C-class hovels without plumbing or window screens for them; nope, it was first-class travel all the way. Later I discovered that in order to finance the vacation that he “deserved for working so hard,” he sold a large chunk of our “underperforming” stocks.
That happened several years ago, before our divorce. Last week he called me to say that he needed a $25,000 home-equity loan in order to pay off his high-interest AmEx bill, and would I please sign some papers moving the alimony lien to third place, otherwise, the bank wouldn’t approve his loan. And no, Poopsie wasn’t on the mortgage because, after her house had gotten repossessed, her credit is worse than his.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Karma finally hit them! And yes, I allowed him to get the home equity loan because I need him to keep his head above water and continue paying alimony. However, there is a little bit more spring in my step whenever I think about that karma dolmus bearing down on them.
Oh, darn. Now I realize why my post is in moderation. I keep forgetting and typing the whole name of the country T-rk-y, so I’m trying again. Sorry for any duplicate posts!
I’m certain I don’t know a huge percentage of what he did during our 25-year marriage, but I will never forget my shaking hands holding the itinerary that I discovered for the swank vacation he took with another woman. I was stuck at home with my daughter trying to survive another summer in a crappy neighborhood of a crummy city, and I was able to track their island-hopping through Greece and T-rk-y. No C-class hovels without plumbing or window screens for them; nope, it was first-class travel all the way. Later I discovered that in order to finance the vacation that he “deserved for working so hard,” he sold a large chunk of our “underperforming” stocks.
That happened several years ago, before our divorce. Last week he called me to say that he needed a $25,000 home-equity loan in order to pay off his high-interest AmEx bill, and would I please sign some papers moving the alimony lien to third place, otherwise, the bank wouldn’t approve his loan. And no, Poopsie wasn’t on the mortgage because, after her house had gotten repossessed, her credit is worse than his.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Karma finally hit them! And yes, I allowed him to get the home equity loan because I need him to keep his head above water and continue paying alimony. However, there is a little bit more spring in my step whenever I think about that karma dolmus bearing down on them.
Don’t you love a good karma story!
I wonder about the things i don’t know. Fortunately my mind wont let me dwell on it too long.
But i have had to accept i didn’t know this person like i thought.
There were lies,crazy lies,even before we were married.
I see now that they were,in fact, not just misunderstandings.
He enjoys the power he gains by lying. He has been doing it all along.
Exactly, I still wonder what I don’t know but I can’t dwell on it considering what I do know. Just the other day we got the long awaited company financials and my lawyer upon determining he makes more money than we knew asked what does he spend his money on? I can only imagine.
I didn’t know how fundamentally cruel, callous, dishonest and selfish she was.
I’d got used to her being demanding and to be frank a pain in the arse but really seeing the truth was shocking.
I didn’t know that after 20 years together that I meant precisely nothing to her.
I didn’t know I had been used for years as the financier of her comfy lifestyle whilst I worked my butt off.
I didn’t know that 3 years later I would be the happiest I’ve ever been ????
This! I can’t believe how happy I am since he has been gone. Him? He and Schmoops are currently having a Facebook spat as we speak, although why they have to do it over Facebook beats me!
They do it over Fakebook for an audience ! Nothing like “putting your business out in the street”
RealMonkey, I hear ya. Either I was too blind w/love for my ex that I couldn’t get a read on her, or I blindly just assumed we were happy together. It’s still just so interesting how much she’s changed in less than a year. Perhaps she was always a flawed person, and I couldn’t/wouldn’t accept that.
And you probably helped her look good, without even realizing.
I know how that feels…..
Enjoy the freedom!
A month before our court date, my lawyer subpoenaed his clock rings. There were days that he called in sick that the kids & I thought he had gone to work.
I blinked twice because I read ‘cock rings’ and thought, “JFC – Fitbit is EVERYWHERE!” Then I thought, “How do they measure that?” Finally I realized my mind was tricking me.
I know it isn’t funny, but maybe it will give you a grin.
I may have just stumbled over a new feature for at least one sex aid. Go me. Now to find someone to develop an app for that!
He lied about his education.
He lied about his first marriage.
He lied about his porn habit.
He lied about his secret bank account and phone.
Then, there are all of the infidelity lies. About his whereabouts and OWs. So many!!
Liars lie through their lying lie-holes.
I will never know all of his lies and don’t need to.
Trust that they suck!
I didn’t know about the secret bank account. His response? I didn’t tell you because I wanted to save that money to buy tools for the house. You always make a face when I buy stuff. Yeah, right. This from the guy who put a bucket under the leak from the roof. I didn’t know about the vacation he went on with his mistress when he said he was going to a blade show during a visit to see his friend out of state. He went so far as to “pretend” he was booking the flight and “screenshot” the flight details to me. His response when I found out? All that’s in the past! I didn’t know about the Christmas party he took his mistress to. Then he told my parents all about the party the next morning. Of course, he conveniently left out the part about taking his mistress… oh and the hotel room after and the gift he gave her…I’m pretty sure there’s a hell of a lot more this cheating, lying piece of shit still hasn’t revealed.
There’s so much I didn’t know. And yet what I did know should have made me RUN and never look back.
Imagine the final OW asking why I stayed if he was so bad? As if a lifetime of humiliation wasn’t bad enough.
What I didn’t know about the person I stayed with for 41 years.
1. He’s a pathological liar.
2. A covert malignant narcissist.
3. That he wasn’t capable of loving anyone.
4. He respects no one.
5. He mirrored my qualities.
6. He enjoyed inflicting pain.
7. He didn’t want anyone else to have me.
I didn’t know there was such evil that existed. A man who attended all his children’s events and used those very children and the image I provided to prey on OW.
I didn’t know the breadth and depths of the disordered and the lengths they go to in order to extract every ounce of your identity and soul to nourish their sickness.
I didn’t know I was a battered woman, was unaware of the trauma bond; a bond that allowed further abuse and nearly killed me.
I didn’t know that facing the pain was the way out and the road to Meh.
20 Million! And every time someone supports CL somewhere a cheaters penile pump malfunctions with a BOOM!
Yup, you can be with someone for a long time and not understand how truly sick they are.
I did know that he fancied himself smarter than all of Wall Street. I now know he day-traded and lost all of my inheritance.
I did know that he was very controlling of our finances. I now know I had a second mortgage I knew nothing about.
I did know that he brought himself new black briefs. I now know he was screwing another woman. WITHOUT PROTECTION!!
I came across his dating profile on a dating app. It was hysterical. Pure fiction!! Speaks 3 languages. Took a driving class in ROME! He totally made himself out to be James Bond. It made me oddly reassured to try online dating- if the whack-a-do’s make it so easy to spot them. He referred to himself as low baggage because he only has 3 kids who live with their mother. Who says something like that and thinks that’s a selling point? Ew.
I didn’t know he was a sociopath.
I didn’t know he was bisexual.
I didn’t know he liked anonymous sex with groups and couples.
I didn’t know the likelihood of crabs coming from blankets/sheets in hotels is less than 5%.
TGIF CN… this list will take up too much of my precious fuckwit free time if I’m not careful today!
Remembered this one nugget on my way in to work…
I didn’t know that he started fucking his first wife three years into our marriage and continued fucking her for six years (basically whenever she came to our state to visit her children that were living with us and I was financially supporting).
Good times.
Icanseethemehcoming
Same exact scenario here.
I feel you.
Now he’s “bipolar and on meds and a lot of therapy. Can’t we save the marriage?
Bwahahahahahahahah
Sadly
My dearest sibling is duped by this insanity defense
That is sad Langele. Maybe if she reads some Captain Awkward stuff it would help? CA has some mental health issues and her number one advice is that you cannot save people. The person with mental health issues has to do the work to get and stay healthy. Otherwise you get sucked into loosing your own life for theirs. See especially the Darth Vader Boyfriend posts.
Jedi hugs to you and your sibling
True that. My X has mental health issues. If they aren’t willing to get assistance there really is zero you can do other than run from the tornado.
I didn’t know what I was dealing with. I didn’t know that both of his grandmother’s are cluster B monsters. I married the “golden child” narc of their family. I didn’t know that his father is a NPD wife abuser and a cheater. I’d be leaving for work and FIL would start moaning and whimpering and i would have to rush around to bring him things to make him feel better. Why were these psychos always in my house! I was told all the bad things they did to me were my fault. I was crazy. I was too sensitive. Once I figured out who my husband was I had a light bulb moment. I stepped in a Narc hornet nest and I’ve been suffering for the last 10 years. I’m 99% sure evil granny poisoned me when she came to visit us. I got violently ill after eating her dinner and no one else did. She wouldn’t let me in my kitchen when she was cooking that night. I know what she did. She also stabbed our floor with knives on days that she wasn’t able to act out on me. At the time my happy little mind just didn’t believe it. oh no she must have just dropped the knives. I wish I noticed the red flags and added his family together and wasn’t naive. You can’t nice the evil out of people. I didn’t know that.
Evil grannies !?? My MIL decided to get rid of our pet rabbits who happened to have a good old life roaming free in our yard. Once darling son decided to move on to pastures new she cleared up the problem of selling the family home (that he had maxxed out the mortgage) so his wife and 3 kids could downsize to an appartment by disposing of the free range pets . Thanks granny !!
I didn’t know that he exploited socially isolated and vulnerable women without strong support networks for money, gifts, attention, adoration, and favors.
Some were disabled, some were mentally ill, some were outcasts, some were older and alone. All of them were lonely and didn’t have people in their lives to look out for them and warn them off a charmer who just wanted to be their friend out of the kindness of his heart.
His opinion was that if he could make them feel like someone cared about them, and they showed their gratitude in some way, it was transactional and not exploitative.
Lots of them apparently pick out needy women for their prey.
One of the Python’s recent victims has MS, another is diabetic. Both quite overweight. The charmer (aren’t they all?) lovebombed them into loving him. Too bad they don’t realize he’s just using them for attention, adoration, sex, and whatever else he can get. As much as he lies to THEM (join the club), he certainly doesn’t love them!
I should rephrase – “needy” isn’t the right word. Maybe more accurate to say they’re women who are not used to getting a lot of flattery and intense male attention, and are probably more prone to falling for b.s.?
Since both women were on dating websites and are kind of chubby, they probably don’t get as many eager suitors as thinner women. Then of course they reveal early on that they have chronic diseases (because they don’t lie by omission, like narcissists do), and that may scare off many of the guys who do go out with them.
So along comes the lovebombing Python. He’s charming and sparkly. And he lies to them about lots of things, including his marital status (we’re not divorced yet, but his dating profiles all say he is). He lays it on thick; “you look great in those jeans” kind of stuff. He used to speak derisively of overweight people. Now that he is one, they make fine “targets” for his predatory sexploits.
Hahaha…reminds me of an email I found where cheaterpants XH told schmoopie how ‘hot’ she was. This woman is the exact.opposite.of.hot. I’m positive she never heard that word and her name in the same sentence….EVER.
Same. I saw his messages to woman from dating site… he’s gushing over how gorgeous she is. Umm no. He’s is full of shit and a predator. What she looked like is a perfect target. Divorced with a kid and 10 yrs older than me. I called her. we had a nice chat. she cried and freaked out voice shaking because he said he was single and lied about everything he said. Yep a perfect target. She wouldn’t hurt a fly.
No, he doesn’t love them, he doesn’t even respect them. Women are nothing but sources for him.
A romantic partner for stability and social currency purposes, an OW or two to fetishize and dominate, and a harem of love bombed lonely women for material and emotional kibbles.
What’s really gross is how he mind fucked them to keep them physically at arm’s length. Lies he used to get out of having to consummate the relationships with his harem of love bombed lonely women were: He’s asexual. He’s on medication that destroys his libido and causes sexual dysfunction. He can’t take the little blue pill because he has a bad heart. He’s got PTSD from childhood physical or sexual abuse, so closeness and touching gives him anxiety attacks. His last partner was a pervert and forced him to do deviant acts and he’s sexually traumatized.
Most of them didn’t know about me. They didn’t bother to question why he wasn’t available a lot of the time. He claimed he was busy with work and other obligations. The ones who did know about me, well that was more incentive for them to dance harder and give more freely to win his love.
He’s a predator and a con artist.
Ex did say something about “taking advantage of lonely women” in regards to Schmoopie 1.0 and 2.0. In the case of 1.0 I think that may well be true. I do feel like he was taking advantage of her and she didn’t really know what she was getting into. Schmoopie 2.0 is a different story, however. He has himself convinced that he was taking advantage of her, but she knew damn well what she was doing all along. Her ex implied that he wasn’t her first affair. Ex says he exaggerated. At the very least she probably had several emotional affairs and was looking to have a physical one to get back at her then husband for daring to cheat on her (never mind that she cheated on him before they were married so really she started it). It may have just taken her a while to find someone stupid enough to bite. Then, when her husband divorced her over it, she had to latch onto ex and tear him away from his family to make it fair. She convinced ex that dumping her was crueler than discarding the devoted and faithful wife of 20+ years and breaking up his kids’ family. She may well have been “lonely”, but nobody was taking advantage of her. She was calculating and deliberate in her actions. He is a manipulator himself, but she is out of his league in that regard. He just doesn’t know it. I guess being an unwitting tool is his karma.
Oh I so hope my ex is in the same boat. He has to live in a caravan in her parents back garden. They both work together in a stuffy kitchen too. Im feeling that he’ll ride this one out as he has no other option. No wonder he got so pissed when a courier delivered 20 boxes of his useless, cut up, one shoe per pair stuff! Means he’s staying! Though I know I’m getting painted as crazy and controlling – No, I’m reacting to abuse, lies, deception, fraud, neglect, child abandonment, getting taken for a ride! No more.
Now his mother wants me to do mediation with her?! Coz she’s not seeing his kids. I even have to do that for him! Pathetic.
Mediation? No way!
My X is doing that right now. He’s living off an elderly woman… with bedroom “benefits”. Disgusting. Apparently he’s been accused of elder abuse before with a different woman he rented a room from. Just appalling.
Anything to keep a roof over his head.
I’m sure my ex will wind up living off of an elderly woman too one day. It’s the end stage for people like him.
Her friends that knew, celebrated, and cheerleadered her on. When it goes from realizing I was married to an evil person to uncovering I was kind, welcomed into my home, and cared for the children of so many evil women.
The children were blessed to have you care for them, sometimes that is all I can rationalize from my 8 years with a cheating narc.
OMG. 8 years post D-Day and 5 years post divorce I’m still finding out things!
Being married to a cheater is the gift that just keeps giving. I’m not sure if it ever ends!
So many cheaters who are paying alimony/maintenance are trying to get their settlements modified before January 1st when the tax laws change. After that date any modification will cause the payments to NOT be tax deductible to the payer and NOT be taxable to the recipient.
So I have to keep up my documentation that he isn’t really as poor as he is crying until Jan. 1st.
He knows he would be a fool to take me to court after that date.
Sick of ‘finding things out’.
I didn’t know …
1) he was also screwing a coworker on top of prostitutes (no pun intended)
2) The 5 years of tax extensions he filed were because he knew we owed tons of money from the stocks he cashed out. He waited the max amount of time the the IRS will allow, which happened to be right at the end of our divorce that he dragged out for 3 years. Coincidence?
3) He is the type to lull you into a sense of false security, and then attack the jugular.
4) He’s a master of giving false impressions! He has a public face that unfailingly presents as nice, glossy and polished. The public face appears to be squeaky clean and wonderful, it’s what he does out of view of the public that’s the issue.
5) He’s always correct and anything he does can be justified.
6) Personally and professionally, those who dissent are marginalized, excluded and demonized. If he can’t get rid of a person calling him out, they are isolated and labeled. (Refer to item 4)
7) He flatters those who put him up on a pedestal and declare him to be wonderful. He needs the adulation, but insists he is humble and modest. This is how he transitions into making you think “you” are never good enough. Everyone should do more, work harder, but never feel a sense of accomplishment because you’ve failed to meet perfection.
8) He approaches all communication using vague language that can be interpreted many different ways. That way, when he doesn’t follow through, the problem then becomes your interpretation, not his failure.
So a sociopath, basically …
So. much. money wasted.
Addiction.
Lying and hiding infidelity for YEARS.
Jail.
Probation.
Dragging me into his nasty online banter – joking with his “friends” about how I bend over backwards to make him happy since I became concerned about our relationship, and how fun it would be to be with me AND the other woman.
The discoveries came in dribs and drabs. When I became suspicious and started the pick-me dance, he just kept making me more shit sandwiches. This man and his “interesting” lifestyle has become the gift that keeps on giving.
Hmm, I found out (after our separation) that she was the one that cheated in her first marriage and the reason why she left and abandoned her three kids is because she did not want to face him about her cheating. She had always told me that he cheated and got the baby sitter pregnant which is why she left.
Her own kids corrected the version of the story I was told after our separation. I asked them why did you not tell me and they said they felt it was not appropriate.
I always thought it was weird that she abandoned her 3 kids on the drop of a dime. That should have been the big red flag!
I didn’t know about his 50K plus debt.
I did know about the incest with his sister.
The theft of his family’s property and brothers credit card.
His prediction for barely legal porn of the actors being forced to vomit, choke etc simulated rape scenes etc.
Incest with his sister?
WOW! Ok, that takes the cake. You win (assuming there was a contest).
Here’s a twist on CL’s question: what else I DID know, but my cheater thought I didn’t.
Before dating me, my now-ex-wife cheated on her prior boyfriend. The affair didn’t last, but I now know that part of the reason it didn’t last was because I came along. There’s a new sucker born every minute.
Before we got married, my now-ex-wife told me about this, when drunk (of course). She didn’t remember doing that. I was a chump, so I thought our “real love” wouldn’t allow this to happen again.
So, fast forward several years, during her affair cheating on me, and I brought it up.
Her response? “You’re not supposed to know about that.”
I was chump enough to argue with her, to futility explain that spouses are supposed to know and share everything, even mistakes from our past, because we love one-another, warts-and-all. And to explain that she’d already told me, years prior.
But I get it now. My XW’s approach to relationships doesn’t involve this level of intimacy. Instead, she constructs a house of cards, tricking the man into thinking she’s better than she is. And she sees NOTHING wrong with that; in fact, she believes that everyone does this.
That’s incompatibility. Only took me a marriage to understand it.
Me too, JC.
As part of the post-break-up shenanigans I refer to in my post below was something she didn’t know I knew: that when telling me about her sexual exploits didn’t get the reaction from me that she wanted, she propositioned my longtime friend and roommate for sex (and was refused).
I kept this to myself for 20 years. When I finally told her during our 3.5 month shit show, she defaulted to the justification she’d always used to minimize every instance of shitty behavior: “I was angry at you.”
“Instead, she constructs a house of cards, tricking the man into thinking she’s better than she is. And she sees NOTHING wrong with that; in fact, she believes that everyone does this.”
JC, the Python is just like her! He talked about valuing honesty and hating liars (what a great cover for a liar!), when it turns out he was the most dishonest person I’ve ever met: he lies DAILY, about things big and small.
And a few months ago (when I bothered to discuss his lying with him; now I say as little as possible to the man), I confronted him about his various lies to various people and he said everyone lies to get what they want. I told him none of MY friends lie to me or to others that much. And he said, yes they do.
I realized at that point that his mind was made up. I dropped it because I knew he was too messed up to ever see that his habit of pathological lying is not the norm.
x ALWAYS preached as to the value of honesty, what a mindfuck
Same here. What I didn’t know: Found out after DDay from now ex-brother-in-law, she moved to another state at the age of 21 because she was following her then boyfriend who promptly dumped her. Her explanation to me before and during the marriage was that “she just wanted to go somewhere new” and “I just found an apartment online and moved there.”
What I didn’t know: Also heard a story that she supposedly broke up with one of her later boyfriends because he cheated on her, then told everyone she was pregnant, got back together with bf, and then “lost” the pregnancy. Knowing what I know now, I strongly suspect that she is the one that actually cheated, but of course, told her family the opposite to gain their pity and manage her image, and the “pregnancy” was just a power play over the bf.
One of the toughest things for me isn’t necessarily what I didn’t know, but rather not knowing whether some of the thing she told me, which I believed, and which formed the foundation of our supposed bond as man and wife, were true.
I don’t know (and never will) whether her father really was the neglectful monster she painted him as being, or whether her mother really was the enabling alcoholic basket case I was told she was. But I believed it. (The fact that mom was an OW — dad’s secretary, no less — leads me to believe this one is in fact true.
I don’t know for a fact if she was legitimately sexually assaulted in college. I do know that she used those claims for years to garner sympathy and attention, and that since she’s devolved into a 46-year old teenager, her social media postings have contained multiple references to men suddenly leering at her, making unwanted advances, and inappropriate contact. Who knows if any of it’s true.
I don’t know for a fact that she had an abortion 3 weeks after we split up early in our courtship (after 10 months of dating). I do know that when we did split up (but remained friends), she went out of her way to tell me how many men she was going out with and what they did sexually, and that the timing of the alleged abortion seemed highly coincidental and convenient to her resentment of me for daring to call her out on some of the red flags I was noticing.
In the end of course, it doesn’t really matter whether any of these examples actually fall under “what I didn’t know.” I believed them, because when you love and commit to someone, they get the benefit of the doubt.
The degree to which she eagerly and enthusiastically mindfucked, deceived and betrayed me during the last 3 months of our marriage makes it as likely as not that they actually happened, and of course represent the biggest “I didn’t know” of all.
“One of the toughest things for me isn’t necessarily what I didn’t know, but rather not knowing whether some of the thing she told me, which I believed, and which formed the foundation of our supposed bond as man and wife, were true.”
This is so true for me too. Not knowing whether the “truths” are lies and the lies are half-truths, complete lies or exaggerations of truths.
He lies outright, lies by omission or exaggerates. He lies even when he doesn’t have to.
He lies to purposely hurt me, manipulate me or embarrass me.
He lies to tell me what I want to hear.
After all this time I feel like I don’t know him at all.
Looking back I wonder if my annoyance with him at times was this disorienting feeling of fear that I was living with someone I didn’t know.
I didn’t know after 34 years of marriage that he was an incurable liar
I didn’t know that he cheated on me for almost the entire marriage
I didn’t know after my cancer battle & losing a breast
that he compared my injured body to a whore with big breasts
I didn’t know how little he thought of me while the two of them laughed & humiliated me
But I know now that I was never loved., only wanted my body while I was young & desirable.,
until I wasn’t
So very sad ????
Yup, it is very sad Kathleen. I’m so glad we chumps have each other for support. It’s so hard to realize that it was all a lie. It’s so hard to realize that our bodies were desirable until damaged by emotional stress. I’m trying so hard to find what is my normal healthy body now. I wonder how much health I can find in my body, mind and spirit.
QueenMother
So true. I have Irritable Bowel Syndrome from being the marriage police then having him live in the basement after discovering the affair. He was cruel & got off on destroying me little piece at a time.
But your right.. finding health in our body mind & spirit is our door to peace. We now have to heal
ourselves & find strength to move on. Our lives will be healthier when they are not our problem anymore. May you find happiness in your daily life now. You so deserve it! ????
I, too, don’t allow myself the time to wonder what I don’t know..considering what I DO know. Sooo, here’s a little something his #3 chump bride doesn’t know..he’s still active on Match.com and POF.
Like Tracy, I found out recently he had a kid. Has nothing to do with him.
Doesn’t get much lower than that. But he’s the Python, so low is to be as expected as his snake’s belly.
There was a first marriage and two kids I knew nothing about. Found out when my daughter was about two, so I wasn’t prepared to leave him since I wanted her to have a father. I knew about a second (I thought first) marriage and two kids when I met him and he was making an effort with those two which has since failed. Now, he has nothing to do with any of them. That makes 5 children total that I know about, and I have reason to suspect there is another, which is another story entirely. He pretends none of these very troubled now adult children exist unless he gets pulled into one of their dramas from time to time.
I didn’t know that I did know the four operations, add, substract, multiply and divide, and how to balance a family budget. That sparkledick was mindfucking me about this in order to hide his “fuck-allowance”.
About six years ago I was in a very fashionable neighborhood in Bern, Switzerland, hobbling along beside Sparkledick. He had spent the entire trip complaining about how I was dressed.
BTW … a trip 90% of which I paid for because he “only was using American Express”, which is not accepted in most places in Switzerland. Of course: he had topped the limit of his VISA and Mastercard. Little did I know.
Anyway, this absolutely massively elegant young woman comes of of this seven star hotel and I joked with Sparkledick that maybe he wanted me to dress like her…. Little did I know.
BTW, Ms D-day Flatterfuck dresses like one of those donkeys in a Mexican festival.
Clearwaters
Did your H provided you with money to dress like a million $ woman? I doubt….
They think they are entitled to $$$$$$ while having hard time to do the easiest simple thing: being a man with integrity
During the divorce and right after the divorce, I found out…
*This was not his first affair
*He did borrow money from his mother, he swore his sister was lying. I found documentation.
*He had been engaged 4 other times, I only knew once.
*He swore he did not see his best friend because the friend was so busy with his family. found out he dated the sister for 2 years (cheated and gaslighted her) so the family hated him. oddly enough the best friend did not.
*He had been telling our children that he was going to leave my lazy, boring ass since they were in elementary school. They spent their childhoods waiting for a divorce. This I will never forgive/forget.
*He had the BB gun from his childhood, he claimed he was abused and they took it away from him to give it to his sister, but I found it hid in our garage after he left. Bat shit crazy
*He was a self proclaimed pathological liar.
*He was living with a woman when I met him, he told me he was renting the basement. She was the one he was cheating on when he left his 1st wife. Yep the 1st wife he had a 9 year on and off again affair with during the first years of our 20 year marriage.
*His first wife did not beat him up during their 18 month marriage. (I talked to her the first time after I had filed for divorce, also how I found out about the affair.)
*He was in trouble a few times at work because of sleeping around. Had several women fired, He was a director, but it was catching up with him by the time the DDay affair was found out. That was why he was changing jobs. So I helped him get this job, even went on the final interview with him to show family support at moving to new town. Little did I know he was going to take mistress and kids and leave me at home broken and alone. I caught him taking the boss aside and telling them I did not really like the town later.
There is so much more. Side note, he did move but not with the kids (they are completely No contact) and the mistress married her live in boyfriend and stayed in my town.. yuck. So Ex remarried a local girl in new town and is settled in nicely. Me, I am still in family house, went from being a SAHM to full time employment, living with my two college age sons, and it is hard but we are moving forward and creating a life.
Yep he sucks.
I didn’t know that he wasn’t who I thought he was in thoughts, deeds, or actions.
I didn’t know that he wasn’t who HE thought he was in thoughts, deeds, or actions..
I didn’t know that he was, in all respects, a counterfeit human.
I didn’t know he actually sold his customer list when I made him give up the business he lost 500k in —our entire life savings. He spent this money on himself while I went crazy trying to cover our bills on 3 properties and told our son he could not expect any financial help from us at college. I didn’t know he screwed people over in his car repair business endangering them with shoddy work- I heard this from a friend of ours—made no difference to him—he did it to our friend too. I didn’t know he owed people money that he didn’t pay. I didn’t know that he didn’t love me when we reconciled and the vows at our vow renewal wedding in Central Park meant absolutely nothing to him except the continuation of me being his wallet.
Jedi Hugs! You’ll get peace, takes time!
I didn’t know my ex fathered a child either, then secretly paid $10,000/year in child support for 13 years until I discovered the situation. At that point I finally filed for divorce.
I will never know, besides the $130,000 in child support, what other funds were diverted out of our assets over the years. I did the household finances, but my ex ran our family businesses, so had plenty of opportunity for additional embezzlement.
My kids didn’t know they’ve had a half brother living in Toronto, Canada since 2001.
I never knew what caused my abnormal Pap smear, or occasional infection over our 32 years together.
I will never know how many women came in and out of our marriage without my knowledge during those decades.
I didn’t know with the last one my ex had started using Cialis, but when I found out, I did have to laugh.
I don’t know how many victims he’s swooned since we split in 2014, and I no longer care.
Oh, so many things I didn’t know. I should have run screaming when shortly after our marriage I found out about a huge pile of debt he had conveniently failed to mention. But oh no! I spackled. I could FIX this problem. I fixed up and sold the small, trashy home he had to pay off the debts. And it was a new, fresh start! Until I found a whole new pile of debts a few years later.
I didn’t know that he sexually abused his maid and her daughter when he was a teen. I didn’t know that he had been a peeping tom. I didn’t know that he had a porn addiction. He said he had been waiting for sex until marriage. I was amazed at his commitment to purity. Wow was I naive. I’d never again date a thirty-year-old who claims to be pure as the driven snow. If he claims to have NO stories to tell by then, then he has some very convenient memory loss or he is asexual. Either way, he isn’t marriage material.
“I didn’t know that he sexually abused his maid and her daughter when he was a teen.”
*Me heading to the bathroom to throw up*
The guy is &%#!!
What I found out about Hannibal Lecher’s activities after I filed for divorce would fill a book (and it soon will ; )
I divorced him after finding out about his affair with gradwhore from 8 years earlier. Two days before the divorce was final, a friend told me he had taken her to Mexico with him for a conference. He had asked for a divorce that trip, and had let her stay in the room to hear the conversation with me–the mother of his two children, who had stood by him for 16 years. Fucker. That alone has earned him my perpetual hatred.
He changed his mind within days to “return to the marriage” (only because I didn’t know about the affair, and would not for 8 more years), but after the divorce I found credit card receipts for a Juicy Couture watch he bought her after the breakup, as a parting gift.
Also after filing, found out about another student affair, a very likely affair with an academic colleague in a different city, and probably LOTS of hookups at conferences over the years.
The Ashley Madison scandal broke 5 months after the divorce; yup, he was on the list (and the Adult Friend Finder list, very likely on several other dating sites).
Hired a PI a year after the divorce because I finally realized that the horrific treatment 8 months before D-day was a devalue period, meaning…ta da… another affair. Yes, it was, with his current GF (whom he has passed off as having met after the divorce). Furthermore, 3 days after D-day, he took that AP with him to China for a conference trip, though he was claiming he wanted to save the marriage.
His perfidy spanned the entire marriage, I’m sure, as the Case of the Missing Condom 3 months after our nuptials was never solved. So happy to be rid of him.
Tempest… wouldn’t you love for CL to draw a picture of the gradwhore wearing that Juicy Couture watch… good Lord, was she 12?
Can’t wait for YOUR book!
I didnt know he had never been faithful to any gf before me. So i recently said to him maybe his should try his hardest with his next realtionship so he doesn’t go to his grave knowing that he was simply a cheat. If he finds someone willing to take a chance on him real soon he might even manage more than our 23 years with one woman. Apparently he doesnt want anyone else, strange now hes free he doesnt but when we were fully committed by marriage it was ok to literally fuck around with an also married woman….
He’s just mindfucking you with that shit, go blank on him, get on with your life and find some peace. Jedi Hugs!
After Pandora’s box was opened I found out:
He had been cheating our entire marriage
Had his affairs in our house while I was working
Had taken my name off joint accounts
Had taken my name off vehicle titles
Was setting me up to take the fall on an illegal business I knew nothing about
Had a huge stash of money he left with
Had stolen from his family
Had lied about his childhood adventures which was really him running from illegal activities
Had cheated on his first wife
Had a child he never acknowledged
Had been trashing me behind my back for years in anticipation of leaving
Had planned on disappearing with ow along with the previously mentioned vehicles
Recently found out he had physically abused my now adult children when they were younger while I was at work
Had used my personal information to try and open accounts without my knowledge
I’m sure there’s more but I know enough to know he’s evil
It was like an episode of The Twilight Zone
He also took ow with us on a family vacation I paid for.
I knew he was unhappy. I didn’t know how much of that unhappiness he was attributing to me.
I didn‘t know he wasn’t willing to put up with my imperfections as I put up with his.
I didn’t know that he didn’ t mean it when he said his marriage vows or when he gave me all of those cards and notes telling me how much he loved me and how lucky he was to be my husband.
I didn’t know that he thought I didn’t love him (because I did) and I didn’t know that he didn’t love me (because he went out of his way to convince me he did).
I didn’t know that “nothing good ever came out of our marriage but the kids” as he stated after DDay.
I didn’t know that he considered me the harder choice when we were trying to reconcile.
I didn’t know that he “regretted being so nice to me” because maybe he would have gotten better out of me if he hadn’t treated me so well.
I didn’t know how much contempt he had for me and our marriage.
I knew he was selfish and lacked empathy. I didn’t know he lacked honor and integrity too.
I didn’t know that he would betray me and blow up our marriage in the most painful way possible.
I knew that Schmoopie was arrogant and condescending. I didn’t know that she was also fucking my husband behind my back.
I didn’t know that ex thought Schmoopie’s husband was an asshole when he was pretending to be best buds with him.
I didn’t know that the woman I was confiding my marital troubles to over Schmoopie 2.0 was actually Schmoopie 1.0.
I didn’t know that my ex sucked.
I didn’t know he forged my signature on numerous property deeds for his business. I also didn’t know he forged my signature on a power of attorney giving his Mommy permission to sign for me. She turned around and signed my name on a multi million dollar loan for same business. Used our home and the properties as collateral.
When my attorney discovered this, he said in his 25 years of practice he has never seen anything like my ex, and he did criminal at one time.
I have a pretty good imagination, but I can make this stuff up. It’s like a Days of Our Lives episode.
Gone girl
Mine did similar shit. My forensic accountant and lawyer said they had never seen such a twisted mess of barely legal shenanigans. The craziness.
I would be scared TO. DEATH. To do some of the shady stuff my ex and his family has done. I don’t know how they continue to get by with it, I would be under the jail.
GOOD GRIEF! How did that get resolved?
didn’t know:
20 yrs ago
When we got together he was still with his ex whom he had convinced to have 2 abortions with the promise they’d have kids when they married.
Told me she was unstable and couldn’t let him go! ( told me 8 yrs ago after dday1)
Spackle! X 10
I have DS 1. Nearly died, pre eclampsia. Break up. Get back together. He’s “found himself”, I’m the only woman for him!!
Move to Oz.
Always out. On the piss.
DS 2 born 10 weeks early. I nearly died.
18 mths later discover txts on his phone.
“ we’re just friends “ “ having a laugh” she s engaged” .
Break up. Again!
She gets pregnant. He dumps her. After promising they’d get married when “ things calm down”!
He has “ an epiphany “!
I tell him to fuck off!
RIC…..Ric etc..
My dad dies, ex becomes a superhero!
Spackle X 10000
Start seeing each other again, but don’t move back in…..( very annoying for him)$$$$$
Cheats again!! Who’d have thought??!!
Then let’s slip….. has 2 other children I don’t know about. ( 1 in USA, and another in Ireland)!
So! 6 kids by 5 women!
New ow, has new promise of “ wait for things to calm down, we can get married and start a family”!
You can’t make this shit up!
This is when I found CL & CN!
WOW!
Bargain basement sperm doner.
I have a strange feeling that’s only the tip of the iceberg.
But I’m out now, and never been happier..
Good luck to CN, and thanks for being here.
X
OMG, what a sociopath! Somebody needs to trap him, like they do feral cats. Sterilize him, then let him go again (to meet his karma!).
YOU are mighty, you have gone through so much emotional turmoil, but have come out of that shit storm. Stay out. Xo
A lot of what I don’t know I am certain I will never know. He was all about SECRETS. He got off on it. He is an expert at lying by omission.
I didn’t know he didn’t love me, but in the end, I knew without a doubt that he had hated me all along.
I didn’t know how cheap he was until after we were married. Then I learned he was abusively cheap with his money, his time, his affection, his kindness. His ability to blankly stare at me while I was sobbing and begging for him to tell me the truth is something that still sends shivers up my spine.
I didn’t know he couldn’t share a true feeling, because he was too focused on his persona instead of being an honest person.
I didn’t know about his secret bank accounts.
I didn’t know about his addiction to misogynistic web sites and penchant for porn, both gay and straight. Mostly, he got off on the dehumanization and degrading of women.
I didn’t know his plan was to abandon me and his kids all along. He waited until his parents died, then took off with his skank, leaving me holding an empty bag.
I didn’t know how vindictive he was until I stood up to him. It’s been five years since our divorce, and he still gets off being a petty dick about honoring even the smallest details of our divorce agreement.
Now I know.
I didn’t know he didn’t love me, but in the end, I knew without a doubt that he had hated me all along.
THIS!!!!
Yep. THIS..
What I found out after 20years married…
I didn’t know he had started messing around with other women a year into our marriage…a serial cheater for 20 plus yrs…
I didn’t know that he was with other women throughout our marriage and even when we were in hospitals re IVF and the my pregnancies..
I didn’t know he never stopped lying..
I didn’t know he had a porn habit…
I didn’t know he had been on sex sites and meeting people “working late”…
I didn’t know he had secret email accounts with over 500 emails…( But he claimed he never ever met anyone….oh em oh…” Just once but we didn’t do anything” yeah right!
)
I didn’t know he had been buying Viagra…
I didn’t know he had a false Facebook account…in the name of a serial cheater….french machellivan character in “dangerous liasions” film
I didn’t know he was on tinder and other dating websites…
I didn’t know during the year of wreckconcilation and me merrily pick me dancing…that he was still involved with his 26yr old co worker..
I didn’t know that during that same time he was telling his AP ” we have agreed to separate and no longer staying together” ……. So she told me when I phoned her….apparently he told her all the intimacy with her was ok because the marriage was over…
And I didn’t know “we” were separating!!!
I didn’t know during that time that he was buying her jewellery and personalising it in our garage with our children’s metal craft letters.
I didn’t know that all through our marriage ….he was not who I thought he was…
I didn’t know had married a manipulative compulsive duplicitous liar.
I now know I was never ever loved..
I now know I was just used…
I now know that throughout my whole marriage my gut instinct of never feeling ” enough” was right.
I now know to trust my gut….
I now know that those moments when I felt that chill of those ” blank shark eyes” where when the soul of that man was being revealed to me…
I now know that despite it all……I am happy to be “me”….Kind hearted loving honest and loyal….because I would never ever want to be him…..he may have had fun and games playing psychological games with me for years……..and “turning tricks”……but me….I like me and I am proud to stand tall and say – you never crushed my soul….I have lovely friends and family who have supported me through all of these last few turbulent years….and I have felt so loved and supported by them….
I know I ” will and have survived” the narcissist……
I know that finally without that fuckwit exhausting me emotionally and mentally for over 20years ……I am back to the “old”me.
And it feels good…
I also know that when we were intimate… I felt that I was being “fucked” …yep that’s what i began to feel was happening…..
.He was not “making love” with any real intimacy – emotional or soul …he was just ” fucking me…” It was just “sex” to him…..and I was just another supply. I could have been a hooker for all the love / connection he showed……I could have been anyone….
So sorry for the brutal words …but years of feeling ” used” in this respect were in fact the truth…
He had no heart and no soul and in this expression of “love”….. He was mechanical and “soul less”….Now I know at times why I sometimes cried into my pillow afterwards……he stupidly thought I was orgasmic ….. Me…I felt so overwhelmed with emptiness and so unloved….and just so unbelievably sad…..
Wife appliance anyone?
Did anyone else experience this lack of intimacy./ Love ……..just sex……or was it just me who got the soulless psychopath?
I know that when we were lying in bed together talking about being “soulmates” it was all a bunch of lies…..
I know when we were talking about not having had many sexual experience s before marriage….and agreeing “it was ok” because we had eachother now…..we were soulmates…….it was all lies from him……..
He had been off for years behind my back with so many women …returning home ….and telling me , his ” soulmate” , we had eachother…..
I feel sick writing this….the deception was just so horrendous….. And I fell for the lines of this narcissist ….asperger…..psychopath……whilst I supported and loved him unconditionally for 25years…..
HELP! How can I have been so unbelievably stupid?
Yes the ‘act ‘ he stone cold described after 25 years of me feeling inexplicably ‘fucked’ he told me was ‘just a biological release ‘ that told me everything i needed to know and why i had always felt empty and used afterwards. What a hero
I feel my x hated me all along as well. And i always thought we were so in love..because that is what he told me.
But really he despised me. That blank evil stare said it all.
They are monsters.
I didn’t know that I was his ex. We did briefly separate when I became pregnant and he flipped his lid, but about 2 months later he came back and wanted to “be a family.” We reconciled our (then) 7-year relationship, had our son, and went on with our life together for the next two years. After D-day I discovered that I had actually been his ex, he just simply forgot to tell me. Or his family. Or stop sleeping with me. Or get married to me.
That’s crazy, Free Vix! In my case, I was the wife, but he was treating me like the OW, by trying to hide that he was back with me (at the time) from his ex-gf OW.
Asking me if we could ‘lend’ some $$ to Downgrade’s Brother because he had ‘totaled his car’. About a paycheck.
I said No, but next day $5000 is missing. Dday was a week or so later. Turns out ‘totaled his car’ means ‘needs $ for bail and for Mr Fab to buy his remaining cocaine stash’. Who knew? The Downgrade….
They suck. To the core. Trust that.
Five years later I have nothing to do with these people nor does Kiddo, really. The college fund has been snorted, ditto the equity from our house. I used my share to get outta Dodge and get Kiddo the help she needed.
Would it be nice to be back in a spot where I COULD lend $5k to a pal in need? You betcha. But it is even nicer to be a continent away from these people….and there is no point dwelling on the fact they have sewers where their souls ought to be- there is no bottom-the shit just gets thicker.
Love to all Chump Nation.
“there is no bottom”
Exactly, Mehphista. Our Xs need that on a t-shirt (or a tattoo across their forehead).
I didn’t know that he had seduced the daughter of his first wife’s best friend, who had come to live them after losing her mother to cancer and then her dad spiraled out of control with alcohol and drugs. This girl was 15 then. He was in his late thirties. First wife didn’t know about it until after their divorce, and that was a couple of years before he met me. I DEFINITELY would not have moved myself and my then 13-year-old daughter in with him, had I known sooner. And yes, I have spoken with my DD about it (she is now 27) and she says he never tried anything with her. He’s lucky for that. He’d be missing a few parts right about now.
His explanation, when I recently confronted him about it (after the shark stare and blinking profusely): “It ‘just happened’. Feigned remorse.
The girl he molested, now a young woman in her thirties, has always been considered part of our family. Her 6-year-old daughter was my ring bearer at our wedding. The mind truly reels.
He not only sucks. He is a monster with no soul.
When I was being told about the affair I said I didnt need to know more. It hurt bad enough and I knew right then that it was over. Add that to what I personally experienced and he was an abusive monster already, now a cheater too. I never went pain shopping and I won’t, it truly only adds to my pain. I hate learning anything new but I have by accident. I have adult kids and the fact that he may send them a card or text one of them, they won’t reply, that’s painful enough. It’s simply over and what I already know is enough to trust that he sucks. I have my own imagination and smarts about me that I’m sure there were more women and a million more lies. He’s out of my life and I’ll be keeping it that way til one of us dies.
Godspeed, xo
Let’s see. After I discovered the AP, over the next two weeks other things came out:
– The fact that he was at least AP #3, and that this had been going on since before our first anniversary. We’d lived in 3 different cities, and there’d been at least one AP in each city.
– She apparently kept up with one of her ex-bf’s when we were dating for months afterward.
– She had a mental breakdown when our son was a baby, and had on more than one occasion had him strapped into the car to go drive off into God knows where, to do what with him I don’t know…
– She hid lapses and major problems with one of the nannies from me, knowing I would fire her
– She had a secret credit card for some time, racking up thousands of dollars in charges
– She was most likely had a substance abuse problem (never could quite 100% prove that one)
– A mysterious illness I got years ago had come from one of the AP (thank goodness it wasn’t permanent!)
I didn’t know he was so financially savvy, he played sad sausage who had been played by his x-wife. I didn’t know until we shared financial info so I could fill out the legal paperwork for divorce that he’d managed to save $140K in a retirement account in the last 5 years of our marriage while I was scrambling to pay for our basic needs from my halved salary during the recession.
I suspected he was having an affair with our house sitter, his special friend and girl Friday, but couldn’t see it because despite his mask falling I still spackled hugely. Could not believe his values were completely different from what he’d presented. Could not believe I’d been so completely scammed.
I didn’t know that spouses could indeed go to the annual awards banquet.
I didn’t know most of the people he worked with or interacted with on a daily/weekly basis.
*After he left I found a Halloween card in a drawer I was cleaning out. It was a homemade card with a photo of a cat dressed up on it. The inside said something corny and Love, Abby. I pulled the photo off and saw it was dated during the first year of our marriage, while I was pregnant. Who the f*ck is Abby? I’ll never know.
I didn’t know that his networking events were mostly just happy hours with coworkers.
I didn’t know he got 5 weeks vacation every year.
I didn’t know he actually could take off work the first and last weeks of the month.
I didn’t know or recognize that he had been trashing me to his family and coworkers for years.
I didn’t know that he had absolutely zero respect for me.
I didn’t know he was a pathological liar.
I didn’t know he had zero respect for women.
I didn’t know that all the feelings he had toward me were actually based on my career.
I didn’t know I was supposed to serve him.
I didn’t know he told our daughter I was a bad person because I yelled.
I didn’t know the DWI he told me about wasn’t from his youth, but actually only 2 years before I met him.
I didn’t know that the loan for our house was originally $40,000 less but he refinanced more than once and wasted all that equity.
I didn’t know he gave his mom $2000 after his dad died to pay off some of the debt his dad left.
I didn’t know that most people in his field of work actually think he is a douchebag, bot a superstar.
What is it with trashing you and the kids if they’re really sad sausage. Mine would put on the sadz when i called him at lunch time ..directly after HE texted me to call HIM!!! Apparently the kids were “holding him back from his dreams” … that turns out to be a sugar daddy to a ‘love you long time’ thai bride. Omg the clichés
I’ve become aware that my partners (husband and boyfriends lied to me, in all kinds of ways about all kinds of things) for decades. In a ‘normal, healthy’ relationship, some time after the break up, one can feel happy about the good things in the relationship. In a dishonest relationship (that involves both lies of omission and commission with the truth sprinkled in), it’s impossible to know how much of the relationship was ‘real’ and thus hard to enjoy even the memories of what one once thought were idyllic or even somewhat happy experiences. My abusive, highly disordered ex-husband is likely the most dishonest human being I have ever met. I intellectually know that there are some ‘good’ people in the world, but ‘viscerally’ I have lost faith in humanity and have been sick to my stomach for the last nine months since last partner, the one I had hoped would hold my hand on my deathbed or his, discarded me for work subordinate. As I knew him for 30 years and he was a fellow chump that I trusted with my life, I feel as though my history has been erased.
I didn’t know he had an occasional contract and an inheritance he was living off while he was telling me he had no money and no job and therefore couldn’t pay me child support.
I didn’t know that an apparently fervent Christian who had such a passion for God was actually an emotionally and sexually abusive cruel manipulator. He was a virgin and hadn’t kissed a girl until I married him when he was 29. I was so impressed by his professed desire to serve God. I had no sex between 23 and 40, thanks to him, my husband. I still don’t know where his libido lives. But I didn’t get any! No hugs, no making out, no sex. I was punished for wanting to sit beside him or hold his hand. He got me pregnant in the most cruel and demeaning way – as close to artificial insemination as he could make it.
I didn’t know he has a raging porn habit. He spends all his time with other men who smoke and get drunk (something he hides from the church and his family of origin).
I didn’t know that someone who comes across as so warm and friendly could be so deliberately cold ane cruel. Nothing is as important to him as his good guy image. He spends a lot of time volunteering at our kids’ school – more time than working on his contract or finding full-time employment. Everyone loves him. I transitioned from being a stay at home mom to getting back into the workforce to support our kids. He has been telling lies about my mental health at our kids’ school.
I hope you have a good therapist, you need to process so much. Work on you and leave him to his assholish nasty crappy self. Jedi Hugs!
Thanks, Datdamwuf!
While I can’t afford therapy at the moment, I am reading a book about boundaries. I’m working on erecting some healthy boundaries with the duplicitous ex, with my kids, and with a number of people whom I used to think were friends. I’m exercising regularly (anybody remember Jane Fonda’s workout??), getting rave reviews at my job, attempting to model to my kids that you don’t have to tolerate anyone who treats you like dirt, and praying desperately for peace and healing. I’m still bitter and resentful about how my ex treated me and about the fallout from his abuse – and about how he is the Golden Boy to everyone but me.
The $22000.00 redundancy payment – only found out about that through disclosure.
The car loan that was supposed to be part of the mortgage – taken out through the dealership. Only found out about that through disclosure.
Spending thousands of dollars on Anastasiadate.com.
Being on so many dating sites.
Sending money to scam artists via Moneygram. People who were saying they were in Perth but the money was sent to Nigeria.
Finding out he was open to experimenting with men in a threesome (not homophobic, just surprised).
Told me he was best man at a friend’s wedding when he was just a groomsman.
Thinking he was honest, loyal, and a hard worker when he was a lying, cheating, thief.
I discovered the affair a year and a half ago. He left when I was pregnant, stating that we just weren’t getting along.
Via STD test, I learned the real reason he left. I assumed, and he confirmed that it was emotional until he left. The trickle truth has since revealed that all the financial stressed was suffering wasn’t caused by my inability to control spending (money I had no access to, mind you… He had control of all finances) but because he had been funding his affair for almost six months BEFORE HE LEFT. Before I was pregnant with DD.
When he left me (and our 18 month old) he didn’t “stay with a friend” but moved directly into slag’s house.
I found out that the Worm had made me the head of a county political party. I had never attended a meeting, signed any paperwork, nothing.
I was elected and didn’t know I was running.
I also found out that he and his political cronies traded whores like baseball cards and that fucking them was part of the job interview.
The icing on the cake was the results of my std test after I found out about the magnitude of his activities.
I was told my parrot, Tango, needed to be babysat at a “good friends” house while he went out of town for a few days. I was visiting friends in Colorado. Parrots do not need 24/7 care. Ever.
We all know how that turned out.
Things I don’t know and probably never will:
When I asked him if there was anything else I didn’t know and he said no, what did he consider “anything”? Did he understand that I would consider kisses and blow jobs part of “anything” or did he think those didn’t count? He said “nothing” happened with the EA #1 but he admitted to having kissed her at the time. How many other stolen kisses were there?
Was the coworker friend he had many years ago when we lived apart for a year due to school/jobs really just a friend? She thought he was such a good guy because he wasn’t cheating on me in spite of our physical separation. Was that all a ruse or was that early enough that he was still faithful?
Once we were living together again, was there a reason why he was reluctant to invite me along when he went out with his buddies on Friday nights back before we had kids, leaving me home alone? When I complained I was told that I needed to make more friends. When I asked him what he did on those nights out he said “mostly telling everybody how great you are” which shut me up and had me feeling guilty for questioning him. Was that an introduction to gaslighting?
Was the known EA#1 really just one kiss and that’s all?
Was the half marathon training buddy/coworker anything more than that? Another stolen kiss or more?
How serious was what I now recognize as an emotional affair with an old acquaintance in the state we moved to which started when we were still living in the old state? Was that lunch date really just lunch? What did it mean when he sent her that e-mail “Thank for making my first year here so special” while I felt like I was just being tolerated that year in spite of everything I had done to make it possible for him to live where he wanted to live? Could she have been the real Schmoopie 1.0 or was he just wishing she was? Did that relationship have anything to do with why I was starting to feel unloved and shuffled aside during that time, why I started to feel like he thought of me and the kids as a burden rather than a blessing? Those feelings became more intense after later confirmed Schmoopie 1.0 started up, and even worse with 2.0, but maybe that wasn’t really where it all began.
What else don’t I know? I guess it doesn’t really matter. I know enough.
My second cheating XW: I did not know that she had dropped out of college in her last year, falsified transcripts she sent home to her folks so they would believe she was still in school, and that she had shacked up with a married man in her college town. She always claimed she had graduated college. Nor did I know she was banging her High School soccer coach during her senior year in HS.
My first XW , I found out had been involved with a married man from Austria when she was single and that she had planned on flying to Austria to be with him and co-decimate his family but stopped when she learned he had also been banging her roommate.
Oh Arnold, I’m so sorry. My story reads just like this. Our pickers were so broken and it just sounds horrible when I type it all out. You did it so courageously so I will try again:
First cheating x:
I didn’t know he was screwing strippers
I didn’t know he was using drugs
I didn’t know he was spreading an STI
I didn’t know he was forging checks in my name
I didn’t know he was financing affairs with my money
I didn’t know he would leave me with half of the debt
I didn’t know he wouldn’t pay until threatened with jail
Second cheating x:
I didn’t know he was still married when we dated
I didn’t know he gave me life-threatening HPV
I didn’t know he lied about his degree
I didn’t know he was NEVER working late
I didn’t know he was on porn sites
I didn’t know he had a fuck phone
I didn’t know he had a secret account
I didn’t know he was with OW during reconciliation
I didn’t know she was 31 yrs younger and pregnant
Thank God for fixed pickers. How did I ever think these men were honorable? They were charmers had great image management, but I am wiser and stronger now.
I didn’t know that he had $250,000-300000 in hundred dollar bills hidden in a gun safe. I still don’t know exactly what he did to get that money (at least part of which he was using to finance double life with hooker patient). I do know (now) that his practice was actually taking in 3-4 times the income he deposited/reported. I didn’t know he was capable of criminal behavior before, but then I witnessed cover up perjury as well. So I will just never know if there were other illegal sources of income in addition. I just know I am damn glad to be free.
Glad you got out!
I didn’t know he had HIV for up to 3 years before it discovered n routine testing. I won’t ever know the extent of his first two relationships with the OW before we decided to divorce. But she agreed to move thousands of miles to be with him while we were still married, so must have been something there. I don’t know for sure that the receipt for the gay sauna in our laundry room was his….
I hope you don’t have HIV. Jedi Hugs!
I didn’t know about all the times he went out of town for a story, and then went to a bar with his cameraman without his wedding ring.
I didn’t know about all the times he did this while I was pregnant or had a newborn.
I didn’t know that while he was telling a newspaper reporter about our “sacramental marriage” he had already begun his relationship with InternWhore.
I didn’t know that I was his FIFTH wife when we got married. He told me that I was his second. He cheated on every single one of us. I found out about the rest of them in stupid and humiliating ways. By then I was already married to him and I figured that maybe…just MAYBE he had learned some kind of lesson. Nope. He cheated on me too. But schmoopie with her platinum pussy thinks she’s special. Bwahahaha.
I didn’t know he was buying and hiding an extensive gun collection early in our marriage when he was in school ful-time and I was working full-time, nickel and dime-ing the grocery budget. I didn’t know that when he was supposedly studying for school he was paying big $$$ for online courses to learn how to seduce women and become a pick up artist. I didn’t know that when I was pregnant and he was working a travel/temp position he was seducing office sluts to have sex with him in his car over lunch then coming home to me at night and claiming he just couldn’t have sex with my pregnant body-such a turn-off.
I didn’t know that there had been at least 2 other women during our marriage until we had been divorced 5 months and it finally dawned on me one day. I wouldn’t be surprised if there was another when he was overseas deployed to Iraq 6 weeks after we got married.
I didn’t know he’d been making passes at women around our town until I had some tell me after he left.
I was sooo stupid, so trusting.
But then I refused to consider marriage policing.
When we married i didn’t know he had a child out of wedlock or that he had faked his college graduation and didn’t really have a degree. Also his flashy car was about to be repossessed. He was In Debt up to his eyeballs.
During the marriage i found out our house was about to go into foreclosure. And still, i spackled and danced and even yesterday, after almost 8 years post D, felt “less than” because i hear he has been working out and my daughters friends think he is a hottie. (i’m feeling old and pudgy) Someone 2×4 me please. UGH.
There is more to life than looking like a hottie – that’s your 2×4. Having integrity, paying your bills and debts and giving back to your family and community is worth more than a beach body. Treating others with respect is worth more than a beach body. I recently read this quote – “Youth is a gift of nature, but age is a work of art.” Aging doesn’t mean that you have to do it gracefully or still look like a teenage barbie. It means you’re real and that you’ve learned valuable lessons that make you a great person.
Looks like your X has nothing better to do than be fake. Anyone can do that. But he doesn’t have what really counts – you do! Keep your head up logo65! You have nothing to make up for, but apparently your X does otherwise he wouldn’t be trying so hard to be something he isn’t.
Thank you marriage detective. I was wondering if the workout wasn’t a signal that he is starting the discard for the OW. But she may be losing weight too. That parable yesterday on the boards about the river really struck me. I’m mostly Meh, but i have a lot more to let go of.
Dear Logo65…He is like an empty candy wrapper. Inviting to look at but disappointing because there is nothing (a big void!) inside. A hottie? Haha. More like a hot potato. The next woman will be glad to hand him off to the NEXT woman. Mine told me I’m looking older and less attractive than the 20 something’s at his work. But you should see HIM. At least I have hair and decent teeth.
Of course bald men are hot…but combovers are NOT. He can figure that out for himself.
Yeah what is with that. The guy I am dating is mostly bald but he doesn’t bother trying to hide it and it looks just fine. Normal in fact. Ex still has most of his hair but is starting to bald in spots. Schmoopie must have told him about the spot in back and he freaked out because now he is growing it extra long and combing it weird. Besides not fixing the bald spot, it makes his face look fat. He used to have a nice face. I remember one time when I saw Schmoopie and wondered who that guy with her was until I realized it was ex. At first I was disappointed that she wasn’t cheating on him but then I was glad he wasn’t with me.
Logo, if you want to work out and get your body in better shape, do that for you. Otherwise be who you are and it’s fine. Do not compare yourself to an asshole. As far as him being a hottie? Hell, what good is an empty skin, he can look hot and he still sucks. I will bet you are 100% correct that he’s been working out cos he’s on the cheat train again. Men & women who wrap themselves up in how they look always do that when they want some new. It won’t work for the dickhead forever. Take comfort that you are not the one he’s cheating on now.
Jedi Hugs!
Interesting Friday challenge. We were 7 years in when I found out about the one affair that ended our marriage in year 10. I don’t know concretely about the other affairs, but all clues point to more than just the one I found out about.
My X was a very, VERY secretive person. He had things locked up tighter than Fort Knox. When I look at it now, I realize what a scary person he was. He was into really weird things. He kept a dream journal where he wrote down all of his sexual dreams in graphic detail with the current loves in his life. Note: I was never “featured” in the dream journal except as a scorned wife figure. He had dream sex with his best friends’ wives, women he worked with and anyone he found attractive. And then, YES, he wrote it all down in this journal. It’s humiliating to even type this out because I STAYED with him even after I found out about the dream journal. Just really, really weird behavior.
His computer was always password protected and I tried many, many tricks to get into it and only succeeded a few times. But then there were layers upon layers of additional securities. He had encrypted files with more password protections. He was hiding a lot of things and to be honest, I have no idea what they all were.
I was not allowed to touch his phone. That was also password protected and he would NEVER give me the password. He always had his phone on him, including going to the bathroom with it. I tried several times to get him to give me the password and he never would. He ALWAYS found a work around. Additionally, when he would show me things on his phone like pictures or videos, I wasn’t allowed to hold the phone. He had to physically hold the phone. I never even really noticed this was going on until, my brother-in-law was showing me a youtube video and just gave me his phone like it was no big deal. Because you know, he had nothing to hide. The phone thing with my X was super fishy. I have no idea what was on his phone, but it must have been bad enough that he acted like that about it.
He had cash hidden under his night stand. MY/OUR cash, mind you that he never told me about. Not anything that he had earned. I had earned that money because he was always unemployed or “underemployed.” He just decided to one day hide cash.
I don’t know if he is or not, but my X did seem to be on the mentally ill spectrum. But he was really cunning, so I don’t know if it was an act or if it was mental illness. Being divorced from him has freed me from so much mental anguish. It was so hard to be married to him. I don’t know what in the world I was thinking, but even dating him was awful! He was intentionally cruel – again that cunning thing. He did and said the most cruel things to me. Really cruel. It is so refreshing to be divorced. I wouldn’t go back to him if he were the last man on earth.
I invested a great deal of time and effort attempting to learn what all his obvious lying was all about, because he lied like breathing. I wanted to know what was truthfully ending my marriage. Even with all the electronic and other ways of learning things, it took me several years to learn about the daily drug habit and the many Asian gym whores. I already knew about the alcoholism. So I finally knew enough to decisively cut the cord and end it and I did. Only then did I accidentally learn about the guy he had been fucking right in front of my face for 30 years. If there is more that I don’t know … I would just as soon keep it that way. (I am pretty sure his other best friend from high school is probably more than just a friend as well.) He is perfectly awful … that is good enough for me.
I had these same feelings. I found out enough to finally feel OK about divorcing, but looking back now, I had a MOUNTAIN of reasons why it was perfectly fine to divorce sooner than I did. My marriage was so dysfunctional and not knowing everything is better for me. I would rather not know all the creepy things he was into. At this point, it just doesn’t matter anyway. I knew enough to get out and I’m so glad I still could!
Beliw are just a few. There were so many more.
1. I didn’t know about the $475,000+ gambling losses he had gone to extroidenary efforts to hide. Every single liquid asset he could get his hands on he consumed. He even forged my signature without my knowledge on our tax return to hide his financial destruction.
2. I didn’t know he had been keeping a daily journal for over three years where he recorded every single instance of my shortcomings. He documented exactly which days we had sex and even how many times. For three years! I felt so violated when our 11 year old found his journal and brought it to me simply saying “here Mom, he blames you for everything.” What kind of person does this while treating you incredibly well and giving no indication of unhappiness? My attorney said he was preparing for court where he would be able to whip out his “statistics.” I felt very much set up though and I thought he had deliberately engineered ways just so he could document negative information in his disturbing journal. For instance, he documented taking our teens to Friday night games at school where our girls were spectators. They weren’t on the team and weren’t playing. So, after working all week with a punishing 2 hour daily commute as a nurse with a husband who traveled for work frequently and a terminally ill mother, I was exhausted by Friday. So when he offered to drive them to the game, I was so appreciative. Except he was writing this down to keep his sick scorecard going.
3. I didn’t know about the HPV he gave me from his unprotected sex with his old college friend he reconnected with on FakeBook until my OB/Gyn called me at work to tell me of my biopsy results.
4. I didn’t know about all the free divorce legal advice he got while I took care of our children so he could play golf with his attorney friend.
5. I didn’t know about all of the business deals (which are considered marital assets in our state) which he hid from me until I got a forensic accountant involved. Worth. Every. Penny.
6. I didn’t know about the smear campaign he was conducting with members of my own family. He was in business with 2 of them and these Switzerland family men chose $$ over supporting their sister and nieces. But then again, I come from a family with narcs or those who marry narcs, so their priorities shouldn’t have been a surprise. But it still hurts like Hell.
Gamblers chump keeping a journal of “shortcomings” is so twisted. I wouldn’t be surprised if mine did the same thing.
He admitted he had been “comparing” me to the ow. All while acting like everything was great.
I also feel so violated by this.
I had no idea it was a competition. To know that i was married to such a robotic freak is truly mind bending.
I think everyone here can relate. Unfortunately.
In the beginning of my marriage I found a journal of sorts on my ex’s phone recounting a couple of incidents in which he felt I acted inappropriately. Basically they were recounts of my reactions to his behavior without listing what his initial behavior was! I deleted them off his phone as they were inaccurate. That was over 8 years ago. I never came across another journal of his, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he kept one.
At the time I thought it was annoying, but now that I look back on if I think WTF? Instead of talking to me about issues he writes them down to keep tabs? Our relationship was doomed from the start.
Gambler, I found a journal my ex started about halfway through our marriage that definitely appears to be his attempt to smear me and get custody of our son if I filed for divorce. And good on you for hiring a forensic accountant. I hired a PI and he was a huge help.
When I was divorcing the ex-husband (not skankboy) I, too, hired a PI and a forensic accountant. BUSTED! AND for the cherry on top of the sundae, I subpoenaed his puttana, she took the stand, lied like a cheap Persian rug! It was worth every penny I spent on a lawyer! BOOM!
That rodeo enabled me to not take any prisoners when skankboy pulled his crap! Been there, done that! This is not to say there was no pain, of course there was! It just allowed me to call the game on Dday. “One strike, your out!”
*you’re
Putting the whore on the stand is so awesome! You are a badass, and they deserved it!
Mine tried to get me to sign mortgage documents to refinance the house with an additional couple of hundred thousand so he could pay his tax bill. I refused. 4 days before I caught him. “One had nothing to do with the other!” Haha. I’m not stupid, unfortunately for him.
He suggested our daughter’s name, on the way to the hospital. It was (is) a lovely name from his culture, one I’d not heard of before, but fell in love with instantly.
Months later, I found a stack of letters from a young woman that his parents had introduced him to in hopes of arranging a marriage. Guess what her name was?!?
So, I didn’t know that, in fact, he named our daughter after what was essentially his (ex? Never was sure) girlfriend.
(I still love the name, though!)
I discovered that his reason to start “dating” for the last five years of our marriage, my having breast cancer, was a boldfaced lie. After I kicked him out after 3 months of pick me dancing, I found craiglist hookup emails going back 4 years prior to my cancer. Man, talk about trusting that they suck.
On the topic of Esther Perel, I just attended my second therapy session with a young therapist who thought it would be beneficial if I listened to Esther’s ted talk. I asked her why she thought that would help me. She responded that it might explain why he cheated. I asked again how that would help me. Lord help us who are trying to heal!
I hope you’re looking for another therapist !
Question when interviewing a therapist. “In your professional opinion, what causes cheating ?” The only acceptable answer ? “A person who is selfish and feels entitled. Somebody who is emotionally immature”
^^^this^^^
Get another therapist, clearly this one sucks. If there is one thing I took to heart after all the BS with exasshole it is Angelou. Believe them when they tell you who they are, the first time. Do not give this therapist another chance. Your mental health is too important. Jedi Hugs!
Thanks! I knew you guys would get it. There’s nothing like some validation. I am looking for a therapist who maybe specializes in trauma. And inquiring about their philosophy on cheating is a great idea. I thought it was a no brainer, but I guess not!
It’s hard to find a good therapist, do a phone interview first. Also, the only type that really helped me was EMDR. You might want to read about it and try it.
I found out:
he had $5 million I didn’t know about
That he bought houses for not just one but (at least) two of his mistresses, paying cash in full.
That he doesn’t actually work much and spends much of his day going to gas station quick marts.
That he publicly humiliated our son in front of the school multiple times which was why the administrators stopped contacting us because they were afraid of what my ex would do to our kid if he were in trouble at school
That he put a tracker on our son’s car when he was in high school
That he bought a new car without telling me (he bought a car that looked virtually identical than his previous one).
That he never ended a relationship without already having started a new one, meaning I was unknowingly the OW over twenty years ago twice in our relationship — he had one girlfriend that I didn’t know about when we started up, then we had a six month break during which he started seeing someone else that I didn’t know about, so when we got back together, he was still seeing her for a few months while he was with me.
And I suspect he fucked a lot of other people during our marriage. Including prostitues and possibly men.
Ugh. It’s all so gross and embarrassing that I didn’t figure it out sooner. I’ve stopped digging into his past because I freaking can’t handle more surprises about him.
OK, I can’t help it. His kibble dispenser gets jammed as often as she will let him jam it.
And if she won’t let him jam it he will need to find another kibble dispenser. And another. Heck, he might just find more to jam anyway.
Still, support Tracy on Patreon. I do!
Happy Friday Chump Nation!
My cheater was secretive af about so many things, def wasn’t just the cheating. Unbeknownst to me, he:
1) Took Viagra
2) Used street drugs (strange pills)
3) Smoked pot daily
4) Took his longterm ex-girlfriend on a much-discussed trip to the Bahamas prior to meeting me
5) Hit on all the single ladies in his building at work
6) Totally under-functioned at work
7) Barely interacted with his family, including the only surviving member of his immediate family
8) Is a compulsive overeater
9) Is a functioning alcoholic
The person I met and “fell for” was really just a hologram.
Having my 2 teen daughters tell me that they were introduced to the AP was not cool. She introduced this AP to my girls as “her coworker and friend” while we were on a family vacation, and I was asked to stay in the hotel and “relax” while she went for a jog and girl-bonding time at the beach w/the 2 girls. My ex and the AP apparently concocted an idea to meet up at a beach in San Diego, where she would introduce him to the 2 girls. Later, I would find out that he offered to buy my eldest daughter a “nice car” once she starts driving. Take about a sleazeball; oh well, I guess they deserve each other.
Now, as we deal w/a messy separation and custody/visitation, and my girls continue to rebel against her and make it clear “we don’t want you in our lives,” she has the nerve (stupidity) to bring up in family therapy that she can’t understand why the girls and her can’t have the same relationship they had before the separation.
#Wow #toostupid #karmaisabitch
From the playbook; entitlement & the age old “it’s not what I did, it’s your reaction to it that’s wrong”
Be a Jedi Ninja, protect your kids.
I didn’t know he was a thief.
I didn’t know it wasn’t his mother/brother/ex-wife’s fault that he failed twice in business.
I didn’t know he lied about all his past relationships., either directly, through omission, or by minimizing his bad behavior.
I didn’t know he was mean.
I didn’t know he couldn’t sustain effort at anything past high school.
I didn’t know his “hard-working persona” was a facade.
I didn’t know his “love” for his daughter was a one day a week thing.
I can go on but he’s not worth the effort.
Oh, and I didn’t know that if we had stayed together through 2016, I would have kicked him to the curb because he’s a right-wing racist. (Not a “conservative.” A right-wing racist, as seen on his FB page.)
I didn’t know that he was hiding $40,000
I didn’t know that the town we were looking at for two years was the place he was going to go with her until I saw she was going there with her family for Christmas. I saw it on her fb page.
I didn’t know how he could have such disdain for me when I asked normal questions.
I didn’t know the man I had been married to for 33 years.
This post is on the money….
I didnt know he was a pathalogical liar
I didn’t know he was not even bothered about his kids health and welfare till he cut us off
I didn’t know he spent the kids savings till he said he didn’t think he should pay them back “afterall it went on their education”
I didn’t know he was talking shit about me to everyone we knew including his family who ended up abusing me on the back of his bullshit.
I didn’t know he was capable of being part of poisoning my pets.
I didnt know he covertly hated me.
I didn’t know he had $50k of debt that he got me to refinance the house (that we lost)
I didn’t know he conspired with his parents to paint me as the crazy delusional bitch who was after his money to the rest of the family ( who refused to communicate with me after)
I think i could go on all night. Double life does not wven touch the deception. The only thing that vaguely helps the disbelief is that so many others on this amazing website have the same fxxg story. It is uncanny and also creepy with the similarities. .. i wish i could see chump lady but perth is too far away from everywhere !!
Today’s post reminds me of something I had forgotten– or, at least, put well out of my mind.
After D-day, with the RIC recommending “full discovery”, I endured the painful humiliation of hearing, in lurid and explicit detail, the BDSM sexting “fantasies” they had been engaging in. She tried to tell me that they had just been playing a game, that they were just trying to out-do each other’s fantasy, and of COURSE they weren’t actually doing the activities in real life. I asked how on Earth she could possibly have thought that wild and intimate sex could possibly be a game. She replied, as though it were a defense, “Well, it’s no worse than I did with [individuals that she was in regular contact with for years].” On my horrified look of surprise, she clammed up and shut down. And I didn’t press further.
So I still don’t know.
And thank goodness for that.
Admin, please delete my above comment! My name somehow autofilled!
I didn’t know he was a cheater and a liar. While I scrimped to provide necessities for our two children he secretly spent on a hobby collection, over years He got more and more into porn. The howorker friend was more than an EA. Thank goodness for NC. About to move house to somewhere he has never been ????
I didn’t know about his adventures for over 6 yrs with Whorenation. Four out of those years I was writing & sending cashier cks to the bankruptcy trustee (bk under his name) because my handwriting was prettier (true story). I didn’t know about Mr. CheaterTinder bachelor life while he was traveling on the weekly basis for work. Now I wish I could read all the credit cards stmnts & find out why he went bankruptcy while we were leaving “paycheck” to “paycheck”. And yes after divorce he wants to be my friend & yes we are still a “family” that’s what he said!! Crazy!
When I ran a credit check to make sure that there wasn’t anything fishy going on with my financial life courtesy of ex-cheater, I discovered that he had opened a credit card that was, fortunately, closed, and nothing was owed on it. He opened it so that he could pay for his Ashley Madison account without my knowing.
That led me to the Ashley Madison hack of 2014– an intrepid computer geek pulled his and his cheater partner’s info for me from the dump. I had stupidly thought that he had joined AM in 2011 (the year I had my D-Day), found his fellow cheater pig there a month later, and that was that. What really happened is that he opened his first of a series of free accounts back in 2005 (almost a year after our eldest child was born) and had been trolling AM for years to find a sidepiece (claiming that he wasn’t looking to leave his marriage… guess I burst his cake-eating bubble). He then upgraded to paying accounts, which of course called for the secret credit card.
So, he started cheating or attempting to cheat when our eldest was a baby, and we went on to have two more kids together until he finally found someone as dumb and ugly as he is, both inside and out. It was another devastating blow (at the time) to see how long ago he hoped to start cheating on me. He was maybe faithful for about half of our 13-year marriage.
A few months on Ashley Madison was actually close to seven years. A free account was actually several free accounts and then several paid accounts. A credit card I never saw or used that turned up on my credit report after we divorced (closed and paid off, thankfully) was likely a secret one he opened up for AM. I am so grateful that I never contracted an STD; God only knows how many cheater partners there were. I will never regret divorcing that human piece of excrement.
I knew he was cheating, and I kept quiet about it while I lined up my ducks.
What I didn’t know was that he was spending upwards of 40 minutes in the shower 3 times a day sexting Schmoopie.
My water bill is so much lower now.
What I didn’t know was the man I married. He tricked me and made me a chump. Thanks for your support. I love you, CN!
Some of these things I didn’t find out until after they happened while we were married, but most I didn’t know about until after we divorced:
1. When we first met, he told me that he had just come out of Army boot camp. Found out later he actually just been released from State Jail-alternative boot camp, oh and by the way, he was on probation in another state. Facepalm that I stayed with him.
2. Fraudulent BPOil recovery claim. I actually believed he was working… Bit us (ME) in the ass when we filed taxes the following year.
3. Fraudulent insurance claim for an “accident” x 2.
4. Lied on background check to get CDL-job
5. Was actually arrested in yet another state before we were got together for (gasp!) Credit card fraud/theft
6. The story he told me about the circumstances of his second arrest were completely false
7. Three different harrassing charges/restraining orders filed against him by three different women
8. Social media accounts across the board, as well as dating profiles for months, maybe even years before D-Day
9. Opened a separate checking account with a credit union for just himself after overdrafting our joint account thousands over a few months which I had to cover
10. Had been telling his family, friends (what few he had) long before D-Day that I was the liar, cheater, thief in the marriage, and that we were divorcing amicably
11. That he never wanted our daughter, and that once she was diagnosed autistic, he blamed me and lied to everyone that I did something to cause it
I didn’t know how poorly equipped and unskilled he was until I started dating again after the divorce. Talk about a silver lining!! Glad I got to tell him, too ????
????????????
That’s the best kind of “didn’t know”!!!
I didn’t know anything about narcissism.
I didn’t know about love bombing.
I didn’t know about gaslighting.
I didn’t know about trama bonding.
I didn’t know that he never really loved me as he is incapable of feeling love or empathy.
But now that I know I am so much better for it and will make damn well sure it never happens to me or my son again.
I also didn’t know how freeing no contact can be!
I didn’t know that the weekend trip to Paris 4 months earlier with her work ‘girlfriend’ was actually with her AP. I even supplied the spending money.
She came back and told me what a great trip it was. I bet.
I didn’t know he was a chameleon, that he was mirroring me, that he doesn’t understand love, that’s he’s empty inside. I didn’t know his end game was convincing me to marry him and then he’d feel free to fuck with me. I didn’t know he hated me, that he wanted to be me without any effort. I didn’t know he was a coward. I didn’t know I would be grateful for his cowardice because otherwise he’d have shot me. I didn’t know about PTSD or how that happens. I didn’t know that would ever happen to me. I didn’t know that as long as he’s alive I will never feel completely safe. I didn’t know how much more peaceful it would be without him in my life even if I lock up, have a security system and still get spooked sometimes. I didn’t know I could fear and loath someone so much I would actually wish that person were dead. Sad to say, I wish I never knew any of it. But, Now I know. There really are monsters in the world, they don’t have scales, they look like us and they act like us but you can see who they are if you pay attention. Now I pay attention. Now I know.
Verbatim
Preach it Dat!
Thanks ya’ll
“I didn’t know i would be grateful for his cowardice because without it he’d have shot me.”
That gives me chills. I know that is true for me.
It is still so hard for me to believe its the same person but it is.
Its so important to read what everyone here writes.
It is real. He is a monster. The threats were the real him.
I’m sorry you went through similar Leavealyingloser. Recognizing someone you fully trusted hated and wanted you dead is hard and fucks with you. I am glad he was afraid of jail, I truly am. The kind of person who threatens to kill himself to control you but would never actually do it, who pulls a gun but realizes if he uses it he’ll go to jail. The worst is that they hide this inner being so completely for so long. It causes a lack of trust in our own selves.
Jedi Hugs!
Oh, I know that feeling of knowing he wants to kill me and then himself.
Thank God for my local police dept. I turned over an arsenal of weapons to law enforcement that I found in X’s vehicle after the police insisted one of us needed to leave (X was too drunk to move his truck and it was blocking mine). The police were very helpful in getting me a 3 yr restraining order, which X promptly broke.
So very happy to be out of that house of horrors. His cheating, drinking and lying was just a portion of his rage and entitlement.
I found out he wasn’t a Navy SEAL, as he’d claimed. He was in the Navy, but was not a SEAL. And he was let go from the Navy for “not meeting minimum standards”, versus what he told everyone “I was bored and wanted to leave on my own”
This post reminded me of the song “Getting to Know You” from The King and I. I have been humming it all day. HA!
Hey ChumpLady! Love your site – PrisonChump had a reply on this thread that gave me a great idea:
How about a “Return To Sender, No Longer At This Address” as one of your Patreon level rewards? I think that would be practical and amazing, for the people on this site!
Fuck the cheater. I didnt know how much shit I would put up with trying to hold together a crappy marriage.
I knew he was a liar, I had suspicions (but no proof) he was a cheater, he was a crap husband and a not much better father. He was not an honest or kind person in anyway. He has no sex drive and I always had a hunch he was gay but too scared to ‘come out’. I KNEW all of that and still I tried. *spackle spackle spackle litte mehtwain*
I didnt know that I’d been the marriage police virtually from day one.
Until, one day I had ‘evidence’ and could confront him. He went fairly swiftly and merrily into the arms of the AP/howorker. The confirmation of betrayal hurt hard. The confirmation of the type of person he is, that I’d spent years spackling over, hurt. Losing financially – grrrr!!
Here’s what else I didnt know but do know now. LIFE IS BETTER WITHOUT A CHEATER. Its easier, happier, lighter. I’m a whole person again. I dont spend my time spackling, I spend my time building the life I want. Financially I will never recover (well its unlikely) BUT even though that is one of the hardest things to accept (that they financially fucked my future as well as each other) life is STILL better and the future is brighter simply because HE is not in it.
And finally, I didnt know that “mighty” doesnt always come as a roar, but as a quiet whisper in your head saying “I got this”
➡️And finally, I didnt know that “mighty” doesnt always come as a roar, but as a quiet whisper in your head saying “I got this”⬅️
⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️THIS⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️
Exactly. I’m loud, but sometimes I’ve delivered zingers at him or dagger-looks with a whisper.
I didn’t know and never would have guessed that he, who always claimed the moral high ground, was fucking some bitch whose house he was remodeling. Then after I found that out and kicked him out that very night, I never how much he apparently actually hated me. Though I should have realized it, I guess, but he said some really hateful things and laughed at my pain; then made the next 2 years hell while he, who I’d been supporting for 16 years while being a compliant, servile wife to him, attempted to take away the house I paid for and financially ruin me. And ghosted my grown kids (never heard from him, after almost 5 years now).
I didn’t know he was cheating on his income taxes. I didn’t know he was fleecing a senior citizen whose house he was repairing, by sending the guy monthly invoices for doing personal errands for him at $50 per hour, even billing the 90 year old main $150 for sitting in Denny’s with him; to the tune of $400-800 per month. Computer forensics are amazing. I didn’t know he was claiming depreciation on our house that I made 10% of the mortgage payments on for 12 years. I didn’t know he was still fucking his two “prior” girlfriends for YEARS after moving in and buying a house w/me and claiming he wanted to be a family with me and my kids. I looked them up and they both told me. I didn’t know he’d also had another affair five years prior to my first D-Day.
I’ll never know what his sister meant when after D-Day and GTFO day, I called her for sympathy and while telling me how all sad sausage her disordered brother was, blurted out, “you do know about the terrible incident in his life, don’t you?” then when I said, “uh, no, what would that be?” suddenly clammed up and said, “OH. Well if you don’t know that means he doesn’t want you to know and I can’t talk about it.” Then refused to take my calls, and never spoke to me ever again.
I didn’t know until after he left that he saved a photo of every woman he was ever involved with in a folder on his computer. I didn’t know a lot because every computer folder was password protected but stumbled on this by accident months later like I did the emails to the other affair in 2008. I didn’t know one of them was a girl who was 13 when he was 36 and saved her picture (not porn, but still extremely weird).
I didn’t know that everything he told me about how he came to the city where I met him was fabricated and complete bullshit. I didn’t know that he had hidden motion activated cameras in our house. I only found that out about a year ago when I stumbled on a to-do list he’d left behind in a digital file that said to “remember to” change the automatic uploads of the videos from the motion activated cameras. Another item said, “remember to clean up the start button on the [shared] computer, remember that WisedUp uses this pc too.”
I didn’t know how much better off I would be without this conniving manipulative abusive narcissist who controlled e right down to the type of soap I was allowed to use in the shower, how to correctly load groceries in the cart, ad infinitum. I feel like my chains are off and I got my life and my self back. I have no more fucks to give about him. I guess that’s Meh. I don’t even care that he and Miss Moose are stuck with each other, underemployed, no actually she is now unemployed again (lost 4 jobs in about 5 years), while living in the most expensive, highest property tax suburb in the area, no I don’t give a fuck. I sometimes still get pissed that this happened to me twice (after long term marriage before this one, ended with abuse, dv, and cheating followed by years of custody and c.s. battles) and that I wasted 20 years of my life on this asshole after wasting 12 years on the first asshole. But every day I count my blessings because hallelujah, I’m free of that snake. Thank god, that I found out what I DIDN’T know. God bless you all and this site.
oops, so many typos. 100% of the mtg payments. Not sure what else I messed up, but maybe it’s clear in context.
Need to take a shower after reading that. He is mental glad you are free. Living in a box would be preferable to sharing a life with that freak.
thank you lady b. yes, he was a freak show. as a friend of mine likes to say, an OC deucey freak.
My ex had an affair with a married lesbian. Broke up her marriage and got her pregnant. Unsuccessfully tired to force her to have an abortion.
While courting me and professing his love for me. he was also triangulating about 6-8 other women that I can tell. Texts us all back to back first thing in the morning and then late at night so we all think we are the first and last thing on his mind.
He also has herpes and didn’t disclose
Blows my mind that these freaks can make and enjoy their lives being so complicated, messed up shit for real!
I didn’t know there was more than one affair till he volunteered the information “ I didn’t have many affairs” Bitch cookie? I’ve so far discovered the affair account and £90,000 I never knew about. I never knew he’d been planning his exit for a year…….
The Chumpiest Chumpie Chump Crown goes to ME!
KEY:
???? this is the smoke blown up my ass whilst the RIC tore into me lololol.
What I didn’t know:
???? there were other children. Check.
???? there were MANY hidden accounts while cheater cried poor. Check.
???? obviously there were many affairs but there was one long term. Check. Probably more who give a ****.
???? stealing and selling my jewelry. Check.
???? stealing from my family. Check.
???? doing illicit drugs and prescription drugs and alcoholic. Check.
???? his business was a cover up. Check.
???? he was borrowing money from his parents. Check.
???? he took decades to study. Check.
???? he was poisoning us all. Check.
???? he was sexually abusing all of our daughters. Check.
???? he killed our pets. Check.
That’s enough for now.
Chumpantidote–there are no words. I’m sorry for what you and your daughters have suffered. Wishing you much healing.
OMG I’m so sorry. Hugs to you and yours.
A psychopath? A lot of it sounds your typical npd but the other truly horrific abuse must tip him beyond that. My heart goes out to you and your daughters 🙂
Not related to this post, but there’s something I’m struggling with:
Something that baffles me, my kids have said if they ever talk about memories that involve me or talk about their time with me, their Mum goes crazy and tells them to shut up!
When my kids come home they often talk about time with their Mum and even the AP, I just sit and listen and say hmm that’s nice. Memories while obviously evoke hurt in me I would never take these away from the children. So it leaves me wondering, she had the affair yet why so much hate for me, why isn’t she deleriously happy and confident with the AP, surely she should be in a similar place to me, apathy really…
Free to live i have wondered the same thing about my x. Why is he so mean and bitter towards me when he claims he is so happy?
After seeing what my x is capable of i believe its just because he truly is a mean and hateful person.
I know that doesn’t really answer why your x does what she does but i think its something that really will never make sense logically.
I think people like our x’s just hate us because we aren’t like them.
They are envious of something we have that they can’t understand and that envy turns to hatred.
Free to live. She feels guilty and your behaving in such a mature fashion makes her feel worse. It probably also hurts her ego that you are apathetic. After all, cheaters do it for the attention. Good luck to her when her shiny new toy loses its lustre
There were so many things I didn’t know. I didn’t know he got off on secretly making a fool out of me. Didn’t know he told all the world that I was the reason why for anything and everything “bad”. Didn’t know he was badmouthing me to his mother and stirring things up between us while I was trying so hard to understand why she was poisonous to me. Didn’t know and still don’t how much money he took and spent on drugs and whores.
He is such a bad apple. I am so lucky my self preservation instinct kicked in. The one life lesson I took away from this nightmare is that I can leave all of it behind me and leave his behavior with him where it belongs. His choice of how he treated me will haunt him until he dies because he can never escape the truth of who he is. He’s a failure. A loser. A man without integrity or honor. A man without respect. And he has to wake up each day and be that kind of guy. I consider that complete poetic justice.
I didn’t know about…
The many OWs
The unprotected sex with them
The kid he fathered
The $10,000+ he lost at the casino
The fact that he had been a bookie for years
Where he was living for the first year after he left
That he hired his girlfriend to funnel his business income away from himself to reduce how much support he would have to pay
I could go on. I was a major chump…until I wasn’t anymore. Once I finally decided to stop believing in the RIC and stop trusting him, I started digging. It still sometimes stops me called cold at everything I uncovered.
I know my experience is very similar to so many others. I didn’t know he’d forged my signature to top up our mortgage so many times that after 10 years it was more than we we got it despite an accelerated payment programme (chumpy’s idea). I, of course, didn’t know about the secret credit cards and payments to at least one ow and her family (has anyone else paid for ow’s mother’s education?). I didn’t know he kept trophy photos of other women in bedrooms across countries and continents until I cleaned out the house to sell; I didn’t know he was leading a double life for at least five years with ow across two countries; I still don’t know if he got my car stolen for insurance money but it was and the timing coincided with him maxing our credit to breaking point. I didn’t know he had one ow in yet another country until she text him when he was on home leave; I didn’t know he cheated when our youngest was a few months old until I found payments from another women and linked her back to a global course they were both on – and even though I know all this; and about the porn in his work laptop he blamed on our son; i also know that this is still only the tip of an iceberg!!
This lady is a cautionary tale. She knows who he is, but she ‘still loves him’. Even after he tried to kill her.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-5775265/Victim-skydive-Lothario-army-sergeant-gives-astonishing-interview.html
OMG
The poor woman is so devastated she does not want to believe her entire marriage was a rotting dysfunctional lie. That her life with the POS was a complete delusion on her part. It’s absolutely terrifying that a partner (or parent or child or sibling) could contemplate killing you for convenience. It’s humiliating to know that somebody you trusted implicitly could lie, condescend, disrespect and just downright consider you nothing.
I didn’t know that when I was driving him to the airport, it was so that he could go sleep with OW #1. I didn’t know about the credit card he took out and charged gifts to for his mistress. I didn’t know that he went to Florida, NY, and DC with his mistress. And I didn’t know until he just “couldn’t take all the lies anymore” and so told me that he started cheating on his first mistress with someone he met on Craig’s List. Sleeping with all three of us. Ugh.
Heh, she conned me into picking her up from the airport from her affair with OM, and I even paid for parking.
I didn’t know that my now ex-husband likes to have sex in public. He and his fuck buddy belong on the sex offender list.
I didn’t know about the AFF/AM accounts. I didn’t know he was putting money away secretly (albeit only a tiny bit.) I’m sure there are lots of things I’ll never know, but have suspicions about, like other other women, money stashed away, disparaging words about me to the kids.
But it’s ok now. I got away and went NC.
Well, it will NEVER be ok. But I am.
I didn’t know about:
His cocaine use.
The abortion he paid for years ago with a different AP.
Him hiding money from our family.
Him lying about being off of work or sent home early so he could cheat or hang out at the strip club.
His gambling away hundreds a week.
His slander about me for more than a year to family and friends.
The disturbing porns he would watch (stepdaughter rape scenarios)
Really at the end of it all I didn’t know about him. I didn’t know who he even was.
Cheaters never tell the whole truth.
Cheaters never tell the whole truth they only admit to what the chump knows.
I didn’t know that she had been telling her friends and family for years only negative stories about me, omitting any detail that would have put me in a positive light.
I didn’t know he was arrested for soliciting. That he was constantly texting my best friends sister and ended up having sex with her before our divorce. Did not know he cheated on me throughout our whole marriage. Didn’t know he want to erotic massage parlors. Didnt know he was in communication with his side piece during our first family vacation with our 3 kids at Disneyland. Didn’t know he didn’t use protection. Didn’t know he lead a double life. Didn’t know I married a emotional abuser. Had no idea he was a fraud