So what else didn’t you know about?

When the Reconciliation Industrial Complex describes infidelity, it invariably minimizes the experience as a “mistake” or worse — a magical path of cheater self-discovery (a la Esther Perel’s “exuberant acts of defiance.”) In any case, monogamy isn’t natural and you’d best stop your sniveling and ask yourself what you did to be so unlovable. While glossing over the traumatic nature of being chumped, the RIC tends to leave out the details.

Sure, there was cheater flirting, sex, and naughty thrill-seeking. Left out? Missing money, pregnancy scares, STDs… I could go on. (This blog goes on… closing in on 20 million now…)

Of course, as chumps, we didn’t KNOW about the cheating, until we did. My “fun” Friday question for you is — what ELSE didn’t you know about? Exactly how in the dark were you?

For me — I didn’t know about his kid. I didn’t know about his debt. I didn’t know he’d flunked the Bar several times and wasn’t the super genius he purported himself to be. A lot more than his love was fraudulent.

Now, I might be an extreme case of chumpdom, but I think a lot of you could go head-to-head with me for the chump crown. My point is, where there is one lie (JUST A FRIEND), there tends to be a lot of other lies too. I’m sure I don’t know the half of them.

So let’s debunk the narrative that affairs are a couple of splendid, ethical people whose hearts want what they want. Aside from the clandestine fuckbuddy(s), what else didn’t you know about?

(And remember — a clandestine fuckbuddy is ENOUGH to trust that they suck. This is not encouragement to pain shop or engage in further discovery missions. Details usually come to light later. People who betray you are not known for their unvarnished honesty and full disclosure.)

TGIF!

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Not2DaySatan
Not2DaySatan
5 years ago

I just found out about a secrete savings account he’s had for the last 7 years. It has $40,000.00 in it. He said he “forgot about it. Totally forgot it even existed. Sorry ‘bout that.” He forgot? Nah. Normal people forget about $40.00 bucks, $400 even and MAYBE MAYBE (and this a strong AF MAYBE) $4,000.00. But not $40 grand.
I didn’t know his mom actually met her and his sisters family went on a trip with him and his 25yo money hungry slut.
They’ve known and been with each other longer than I found evidence for. A year. It’s been a year, evidentially.
Enough about what I don’t know.
Where’s a few things I DO KNOW:
1. I do know his choices are not my fault.
2. I do know and trust that he sucks.

That’s all I need to know.

GorillaPoop
GorillaPoop
5 years ago
Reply to  Not2DaySatan

I didn’t know he was on Ashley Madison. I have been divorced from cheater ex for 8 months now and just found that out. Private eye (custody issues) broke the news to me. My reply: meh. Of course he was. I trust that he sucks.

Teresa Halton
Teresa Halton
5 years ago
Reply to  Not2DaySatan

A secret bank account that hed had for at least 5 years that he was putting wads into whilst I paid for food, fuel, holidays with the kids etc.
The times I had a ‘ weird’ feelng but then thought, no, he would NEVER do that! Was he really doing that?
The lies he told about our relationship.
To be honest, I wonder what else is out there that I didnt know about..
I trusted him 110% only to discover he is a total fake and can lie like a pro. Who knows!

Hopefloats80
Hopefloats80
5 years ago
Reply to  Not2DaySatan

Look into the laws. I believe in my state of you can prove he was trying to conceal assests you get all of it. As for mine….he tried to hide his other 2 pensions. Hopefully this will pan out on the QDRO. go be mighty!!

Whitney
Whitney
5 years ago
Reply to  Not2DaySatan

Yikes! Do you at least get half of the $40,000?

FindingBliss
FindingBliss
5 years ago
Reply to  Not2DaySatan

Yep, it’s all part of the cheater playbook. Secret safety deposit box with years of stashed thousands? He also “completely forgot” about the contents. Yet when he was busted, said, “I knew this day was coming.” Then proceeded with the sad sausage narrative that I divorced him because I wanted out of the marriage.

I’m so glad to be free from the constant lies. I hope you’re free as well, NotToday.

Not2DaySatan
Not2DaySatan
5 years ago
Reply to  FindingBliss

FindingBliss,
I hope to feel free soon enough. Looking for work is NOT the same as it was 20 years ago. And sadly I have a HUGE gap in my resume. I know I will figure it out. Without him. Which is bonus.
Thanks for your encouragement. ????

Carol
Carol
5 years ago
Reply to  FindingBliss

You and me BOTH I was so tired of the lies, cheating in our marital bed, yes I repeat the “MARITAL” bed and stealing money from the government!

Nobody2U
Nobody2U
5 years ago

He spent my half of our income tax , profit from sale of our first home, insurance checks etc. Even Xmas money for both of us from his mom….wait for it.. on himself! and was not putting a dime in this imaginary savings account I never saw… I couldn’t afford a pair of Wal-Mart shoes and he was buying 3,000.00$ bicycles.. padding his retirement and really just enjoying the hell out of life..along with screwing everything and everyone he possibly could.. I thought my ex best friend was the only one but apparently it was 3 or 4 maybe more of what I thought were our married couple friends.. seems I also didn’t know I was the only one into boring old faithfulness and integrity. They can all take a flying f@#k straight to pervert hell. Sick bitches for real! Happy Friday chumps rock on.

Phoebe
Phoebe
5 years ago
Reply to  Nobody2U

I think it is interesting that there is a little cohort here of chumps with exes that are cyclists. My ex was/is a cyclist. Lots of money spent there and a lot of time out “training”.

Sausalito
Sausalito
5 years ago
Reply to  Nobody2U

Well gosh, one bike wasn’t enough for Assholio. He needed a $3k road racing bike, a $1k mountain bike, and a $600 bike for “general purposes.” And don’t forget all the expensive gear, like those fabulous racing jerseys and super-light helmets…

Ana
Ana
5 years ago
Reply to  Sausalito

Your story of expensive bikes is eerily familiar. My stupid cheating lesser third said he needed a new road bike to help him deal with his emotions, not as a prize for bad behavior. He continued cheating. Karma came to visit when he forgot that the bike was in top of the car and he drove it into the garage. Lol. Karma is awesome.

Nobody2U
Nobody2U
5 years ago
Reply to  Ana

Sausalito, ana.. cycling is one of the most expensive “hobbies” you can have.. my dickslingers has 2 3,000.00$ bikes a 600.00 mountain bike and another road bike 400.00$ plus the 500.00$ go pro camera and all the bells and whistles… he refuses to ride with me and was angry I joined his bike club so after 15 years with the club as a dedicated never missed a ride or meeting guy.. he quit. I can’t help but wonder if he was cheating with someone (s) or using the club as cover… he also had a 310.00$ a year gym membership but never lost weight or got in shape despite riding working out 6 days a week…. I couldn’t afford a pair of socks but his gay outfit to ride cost at least 300.00$ the damn shoes cost 100.00$ when I see how he made me and the kids live while he spent my money and his on his selfish greedy cheating entitled scrawny ass I want to punch him in the tiny dick and step on his neck till he turns purple. What a total wussy.. and it took me 24 years to figure him out! What a super chump…

Carol
Carol
5 years ago
Reply to  Nobody2U

LOL, I love it!????????????????????????

Intothelight
Intothelight
5 years ago
Reply to  Nobody2U

Something about $3,000 bicycles, N2U, the Douchebag bought one of those also. I discovered that one of DB’s targets liked to ride bikes. Also found more than $10K cash in a safe after I guessed the combination correctly. Took a few tries. People tell me in DB’s defense that this might have been in preparation for an Armageddon-like situation where ATMs cease to work and cash needs to be available. Maybe but I doubt it. It was not an even amount, which indicates to me that DB had been drawing from it over time like a bank. I am so grateful for CL and the wisdom I find here on CN.

KarenE
KarenE
5 years ago
Reply to  Intothelight

Yeah, because cash will be useful when the end of the world comes, or gold. Dirty paper and heavy, too-soft-to-be-useful metal. Hoarding Xanax, penicillin and OxyContin, yes, you will be RICH post-apocalypse.

He was saving his money for the post-divorce life, and hiding that from you, because he knew you’d want YOUR HALF.

no-way
no-way
5 years ago

I do know he was shagging 3 of us at same time.
I do know he went on holiday with each of us to same destination.
I do know he was seeing 1st OW straight after our daughter was born, if not before.
I do know he was setting up a business with 1st OW, yet saying to us it was our family business. Using my money.
I do know he was shagging 2nd OW in his workplace.
I do know he lied to majority of his friends that he could drive.
I do know he told most of them he had a Gaz army truck! He never has.
I do know he told them he was buying a new car and sent them photos. I was buying a new car with my parents help!
I do know he stole a pair of boots I’d never yet worn to give to 2nd OW for her Christmas present.
I do know that 1st OW had no clue about 2nd OW. I had to tell her.
I do know he told them both I had walked out on him and kids.
I do know he lied to me for 2 decades about his family origin.
I do know he is a self confessed pathogical liar. Even for the small things.
I do know he doesn’t give a shit about his children.
I do know he is disordered.
I do know my teenage sweetheart turned out to be a fake.
I do know I will get over this in some way.
I do know I never want anything to do with him EVER!

Geode
Geode
5 years ago
Reply to  no-way

Just a few:
– His mortgage was $1.4 million, not $700,000.
– He’s 10 years older than me, not 8
– He leased his car, not bought it.
– He stopped at McDonalds every day but claimed to never eat junk food.
– He did not lay the floor tile in his kitchen himself. A contractor did.
– I was wife #5, not #3.

And my personal favorite…
– He paid a breeder $800 for the cat, not $75 from the local shelter.

The therapists said these all fell under the “deceptive compartmentalized life” of a sex addict and that he could be “cured” of his compulsive lying. I smoked that hopium – for about 6 months.

ThanksButImGood
ThanksButImGood
5 years ago
Reply to  Geode

What the actual fuck ?
As a chump who’s ex is also a major pathological liar about most everything, good on you for moving away from that bs therapist’s “ opinion “

Geode
Geode
5 years ago

It wasn’t just one therapist. It was 4 different “sex addiction therapists” over the course of a year. This is standard stuff under their dangerous model. Which also included downplaying the abusive incidents I shared with them: hitting me in the head with a pillow in anger after I repeatedly told him to stop, throwing a glass of water on me, grabbing my arm in anger in the lobby of a restaurant in front of strangers and our kids, poking me in the back as I went down the stairs to get away from him, poking me in the chest when I was pinned up against the kitchen cabinets, hitting me over the head with the flowers I’d sent him, reaching over and turning off my car while I was driving on the highway at night. Not one of them said any of these were abuse. In fact, the general statement was that he was angry because either I was on to his secret life and he was afraid of being exposed (earlier incidents) or he was feeling ashamed because I found out about his secret life (later incidents).

The compulsive lying and abuse weren’t the results of an “addiction” to cheap back page whores. Rather the prostitutes were just part of a serious mental disorder that therapy could never fix.

Public Service Announcement: stay away from “sex addict therapists”. They serve the disordered, not you the victim.

ChumpDiva
ChumpDiva
5 years ago
Reply to  Geode

Ugh! Those people should NOT be allowed to practice! I am SO sorry that you had such terrible therapists, Geode. That was CLEARLY abuse and his feelings or thoughts are NOT justification for any of it. “Sex addiction” if it is anything is NOT curable. There is no treatment to make a disordered person ordered.
You are well rid of that monster.

Tempest
Tempest
5 years ago
Reply to  no-way

How horrible, NoWay. I’m sorry you had to live through finding all that out about your X.

susan devlin
susan devlin
5 years ago

My ex lied about finances, suicide attempt, ow was abuse as a child, that was a lie her dad was in prison, a lie, he was working at night, no he was with prostitutes, he said the prostitutes were always happy, probably a lie. He denied having sti, saw medical report. Apparently she had a abortion.

susan devlin
susan devlin
5 years ago

Yesterday he was rocking backwards and forwards, like a child in a Romanian orphanage.

unicornomore
unicornomore
5 years ago
Reply to  susan devlin

I dont recall ever writing about this before because I didnt know how to frame it, but sometime after he said he wanted a divorce but perhaps just before I learned of his affair, he laid on the floor of our upstairs…in a loose fetal position and went into a sort of fugue state where he seemed to refuse to respond to outside stimulus.It went on for the better part of maybe 3

To this day I have no idea if he was in straight-up mental decompensation or if he was faking as a tool of manipulation – Im somewhat pissed that I was so freaking nice to him. If I had done such a thing, he would have teased and tormented and held it against me forever.

I was way too nice to him.

Lyn
Lyn
5 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

In 35 years I’d barely seen my ex shed a tear except once when he was in physical pain because his appendix was bursting. But after Dday he laid on our couch in a fetal position sobbing for days. I seriously thought he had a brain tumor or some mental illness. I kept trying to get him to see a doctor but he refused. To this day I don’t know whether it was a mental breakdown or a just another way to manipulate me. It certainly made me feel sorry for him…until I learned more about his relationship with his married coworker.

thebestme
thebestme
5 years ago
Reply to  Lyn

Mine sat at the kitchen table and cried while filling out paper work for a new job, because he was so alone and had no one. I did not know at the time he was having an affair (found out 3 days later) and could not figure out what he was talking about. He was leaving for the week to work 2 hours away, but would be home weekends until we could sell the house and join him… yeah right!

I think they cry for themselves because it is so hard to HAVE to stay with us (their loving family) when they want to leave but then EVERYONE will know they are turds so they cry for their problem.

GorillaPoop
GorillaPoop
5 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

My ex crawled into the closet and laid down on the floor because he couldn’t take “all the aggression.” He was referring to my screaming and crying because Dday #2. Ugh.

Carol
Carol
5 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

Yes you were I told mine to go to HELL right after I called him out on all his BULLSHIT!

Geode
Geode
5 years ago
Reply to  Carol

At one of my support group meetings a woman told about how her husband followed her around the house one night, claiming in a perfect voice to have swallowed drain opener because she was leaving him.

She called 911.

Geode
Geode
5 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

Manipulation. Mine did that but got no response from me. It lasted about 45 minutes.

Whodoesthat
Whodoesthat
5 years ago
Reply to  Geode

So weird…after he demanded a divorce and i immediately put 2 and 2 together telling him he fucked us over and bankrupted the family he rolled around on the bed in the foetal position (i remember specifically it was that position he adopted) and cried like a baby for a few minutes before getting up and acting like nothing happened…. bat shit crazy

Jeanny
Jeanny
5 years ago
Reply to  susan devlin

Ugh… add complete “ shut down” – inability to leave the bed, blank look, silence and a coma like behavior,,,
Now, the funny part comes:

Nope, he was not cheated on, no he was not lied to, his life was not in danger, he didn’t loose job, money , no one died….

Shut down was caused by me, expressing my anger and hurt over his stupid actions, that by the luck only- haven’t resulted in all the above( me and kids on the receiving end of course)

Yet, while he was “ shutting down due to hurt feelings” I was going back to reality in a speed of life, taking care of our children’s well being.

Letitsnow
Letitsnow
5 years ago
Reply to  Jeanny

Yup, while he was sitting on the back porch in his dissociative state every evening, I was planning my escape.
It was so hard, I lost so much, but life is SO GREAT! So great without a liar and covert coward.

No Shit Cupcakes
No Shit Cupcakes
5 years ago
Reply to  susan devlin

Nothing like the mask getting ripped off and their true colors revealed to stress them out.

Honeyandthehomewrecker
Honeyandthehomewrecker
5 years ago

Mine was as cold as an executioner the night of discovery. When he told his stripper AP that we were going to go to counseling (we had 2 babies so I begged to fix things, thank god we didn’t) she said she thought she might be pregnant. He suddenly began wildly flailing around, rocking back and forth, and went to the floor in hysterics. I have never seen anything like it. Leaving me and his 1 and 2 year old and moving thousands of miles away? Emotionally unphased. Real life consequences hitting him? Mental breakdown. What a dishonorable dirtbag.

Carol
Carol
5 years ago

OMG!????????????????????????

michelleriz
michelleriz
5 years ago
Reply to  Carol

16 years wow- omg life is too short wow what you have missed, your youth and all of Gods plans for you for those miserable years, I think of staying for a bit but 16 years seems like pretty long death sentence to me- hell no I would live under a bridge if it had to go that long… and I have to reinvent myself as well because I am disabled and he was the provider work vs medical care, scary thought but so sorry to hear so long…

Chasm
Chasm
5 years ago

The ONLY time I saw cheater pants ever cry and get emotional and shake was when he was about to get busted for embezzlement. Never saw him cry one tear in his whole life before that. And not once after he left me and the grandbabies did I see an ounce of remorse. Only saw emotion when it was all about him.

GracieD
GracieD
5 years ago
Reply to  Chasm

The only time the donkey cried, was when he found out that AW he was preparing to run away with was also shagging one or more of his friends. So much for soulmates and ‘twu wuv’. What a pair of assholes!

oldcrone
oldcrone
5 years ago
Reply to  GracieD

The only time Golden D##k cried was also for himself. All three of our adult children cut him out of their lives completely after the latest DDay and he had a panic attack, crying and screaming. I thought that he was having a nervous breakdown. He never shed one tear over the pain and horror he caused us over the first major DDay, when he left us for the MOW while all the kids were young and still living at home. He never cried over the many STDS he gave me throughout the years. He never cried over the $65,000 he spent on his whoring around just in the last 10 years. He never cried over the emotional devastation he caused when all the acting out behaviors were revealed right before the holidays last year. He never cried for anyone other than himself, but he SAID he hurt himself as much or more than he hurt us by his continual cheating and lying for over 40 years. So his pain was equal to, or greater than, ours? I don’t think so, F-wit. If he felt so much pain for hurting us, why did it go on and on for decades? I saw some naked pictures taken of him by one of his Craigslist f##k buddies. He sure didn’t look like he was in pain, quite the opposite in fact. He looked very pleased with himself. So go on and cry, you pitiful excuse for a man. No one cares.

theonewhostayed
theonewhostayed
5 years ago
Reply to  oldcrone

Thanks for that. I’ve been in the know for 16 years, contemplating divorce but smoking my hopium. Only recently did I realize nothing has changed and I’m not doing anything to change it. He’s not motivated to change but he gives a good show of it. Sometimes I feel so bad that I’ve stayed so long. And then you come on and tell a story and I close my eyes and sigh with relief. It’s been a 26 year marriage. I’m making changes in myself and for myself. It will take a little more time but that’s okay. He’s putting on a good show right now of pretending to work on his issues. I need another year to do me. Get my life in order physically, mentally, emotionally, financially, and spiritually.

There’s a lot I don’t know. What I do know is that this is not the relationship I want. What I do know is that sometimes a wave of affection washes over me and I have to stop myself from saying, “I’m going to miss you.” I will, in some ways. But his addiction is just too big and unaddressed for me to want to stay. I wish him success and happiness but I want half his pension or whatever I am entitled to.

What I do know is that I am okay but I’m going to be more okay.

Langele
Langele
5 years ago
Reply to  susan devlin

Yeah. I’ve seen the theatrics.

MFChump
MFChump
5 years ago

I didn’t know about the gifts.
I didn’t know about the gift cards.
I didn’t know about the negative account balance resulting from him sending her money.
I didn’t know about the 5-8 hour phone calls while I was working night shift or sleeping during the day.
I didn’t know that when I paid off his exorbitant credit cards so we could build our dream house, that he’d just start all over and end up with more credit card debt.
I didn’t know that he’d leave me with a mortgage that was $700 more than I take home in a month.
I didn’t know he’d remarry the day before what would have been our 3rd wedding anniversary.

LilyanneRose
LilyanneRose
5 years ago
Reply to  MFChump

I can relate to this so much.

Chumpful
Chumpful
5 years ago
Reply to  MFChump

So sorry MFChump. It sounds like we were married to the same type.
I didn’t know about the gifts, although three years after DD I discovered a hoard of wrapped gifts with cards waiting to be given and empty jewellery boxes kept as trophies after the jewellery was given.
I didn’t know about the 330 overseas text messages sent in 24 hours while he was “too sick to get out of bed” and I was looking after him.
I didn’t know he had been repeating the OW pattern throughout our 27 years of marriage.
I didn’t know he bought the gifts, dinners, condoms etc using my credit card, which I had to pay off after he left.
What I do know is when he asked to come back because he missed being part of a family, and that other wives are fine with OW being in the mix, I was right to say NO WAY!

Uniquelyme
Uniquelyme
5 years ago

I found out during the divorce that he was seeing someone two weeks before our wedding. And we were married for 26 years. Someone told a dear friend that the ex was seeing someone but this dear friend liked the ex so much that he thought it was a lie.

Until I read this today, I had forgotten all about it. Remembering this historical fact (yep, no emotional charge at all) made me grateful I am rid of him. Meh really rocks. For those out there who think that you cannot get to meh, you really can. Just keep on working through the pain. The pain IS finite.

GorillaPoop
GorillaPoop
5 years ago
Reply to  Uniquelyme

I found out my ex cheated on me when we were engaged. That’s when learned all the marriage counseling for Ddays 1 & 2; and all the money I spent on it, was a complete scam. Hours and hours of being told that affair was my fault because I wasn’t paying enough attention to the douchebag, too busy taking care of everything else (job, kids, dog, earning all the money) to take care of his needs, what did I expect? I referred to MC as chemotherapy. I was being told by a licensed professional that listening to his reasons for cheating was a necessary part of the healing process. “I have never been sexually satisfied in our marriage” was the poison I was expected to swallow to kill the cheating cancer that I had allowed to fester by not making him central at all times.

Then I found out about Dday 3, which was actually the first time he cheated. Wait, you mean you cheated on me when I was young and beautiful and we were “in love”? What a chump I was. Still waiting for a refund from my MC and an apology from my IC for not telling me to run from this loser.

My I.C. tells me she thought my ex was capable of becoming faithful after cheating, because she has seen other people do it. I’m gonna call bullshit on that.

eirene
eirene
5 years ago

I’m certain I don’t know a huge percentage of what he did during our 25-year marriage, but I will never forget my shaking hands holding the itinerary that I discovered for the swank vacation he took with another woman. I was stuck at home with my daughter trying to survive another summer in a crappy neighborhood of a crummy city, and I was able to track their island-hopping through Greece and Turkey. No C-class hovels without plumbing or window screens for them; nope, it was first-class travel all the way. Later I discovered that in order to finance the vacation that he “deserved for working so hard,” he sold a large chunk of our “underperforming” stocks.

That happened several years ago, before our divorce. Last week he called me to say that he needed a $25,000 home-equity loan in order to pay off his high-interest AmEx bill, and would I please sign some papers moving the alimony lien to third place, otherwise, the bank wouldn’t approve his loan. And no, Poopsie wasn’t on the mortgage because, after her house had gotten repossessed, her credit is worse than his.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Karma finally hit them! And yes, I allowed him to get the home equity loan because I need him to keep his head above water and continue paying alimony. However, there is a little bit more spring in my step whenever I think about that karma dolmus bearing down on them.

eirene
eirene
5 years ago

I can’t seem to post, so here goes again… Sorry if this is a duplicate.

I’m certain I don’t know a huge percentage of what he did during our 25-year marriage, but I will never forget my shaking hands holding the itinerary that I discovered for the swank vacation he took with another woman. I was stuck at home with my daughter trying to survive another summer in a crappy neighborhood of a crummy city, and I was able to track their island-hopping through Greece and Turkey. No C-class hovels without plumbing or window screens for them; nope, it was first-class travel all the way. Later I discovered that in order to finance the vacation that he “deserved for working so hard,” he sold a large chunk of our “underperforming” stocks.

That happened several years ago, before our divorce. Last week he called me to say that he needed a $25,000 home-equity loan in order to pay off his high-interest AmEx bill, and would I please sign some papers moving the alimony lien to third place, otherwise, the bank wouldn’t approve his loan. And no, Poopsie wasn’t on the mortgage because, after her house had gotten repossessed, her credit is worse than his.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Karma finally hit them! And yes, I allowed him to get the home equity loan because I need him to keep his head above water and continue paying alimony. However, there is a little bit more spring in my step whenever I think about that karma dolmus bearing down on them.

Jo
Jo
5 years ago

Found out during the divorce that when we first met in 2001, unbeknownst to me he was actually still living with his ex fiancée, who had gone out of town that weekend to book the venue for their wedding reception. He apparently ghosted on her and immediately started lovebombing me. Never knew he’d been engaged before or lived with anyone before.

We later married (he wanted to do it super fast but I made him wait 2 years), eventually had 3 kids, while he had secret gay affairs with supposedly straight male married friends of his the whole time, then days before my 40th birthday, he suddenly walked out on me after tricking me and my parents into a cross country move to a state where we did not have any connections nor know a soul. Surprise! But everyone thinks he’s a great guy and I’m a crazy person. Rinse and repeat.

eirene
eirene
5 years ago

Oh, darn. Now I realize why my post is in moderation. I keep forgetting and typing the whole name of the country T-rk-y, so I’m trying again. Sorry for any duplicate posts!

I’m certain I don’t know a huge percentage of what he did during our 25-year marriage, but I will never forget my shaking hands holding the itinerary that I discovered for the swank vacation he took with another woman. I was stuck at home with my daughter trying to survive another summer in a crappy neighborhood of a crummy city, and I was able to track their island-hopping through Greece and T-rk-y. No C-class hovels without plumbing or window screens for them; nope, it was first-class travel all the way. Later I discovered that in order to finance the vacation that he “deserved for working so hard,” he sold a large chunk of our “underperforming” stocks.

That happened several years ago, before our divorce. Last week he called me to say that he needed a $25,000 home-equity loan in order to pay off his high-interest AmEx bill, and would I please sign some papers moving the alimony lien to third place, otherwise, the bank wouldn’t approve his loan. And no, Poopsie wasn’t on the mortgage because, after her house had gotten repossessed, her credit is worse than his.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Karma finally hit them! And yes, I allowed him to get the home equity loan because I need him to keep his head above water and continue paying alimony. However, there is a little bit more spring in my step whenever I think about that karma dolmus bearing down on them.

Attie
Attie
5 years ago
Reply to  eirene

Don’t you love a good karma story!

lovedandlost
lovedandlost
5 years ago

He would tell me bills were paid but they weren’t. I asked how he could afford a golf membership, he told me it was free but couldn’t find the receipt. He told me he was “storing” a motorbike for a friend. Of course what I didn’t know was that the “friend” was the AP. I used to fantasize about what it would be like to live without him and all his lies. Now I know- Life is good!

MehGloriousMeh
MehGloriousMeh
5 years ago
Reply to  lovedandlost

Same here, LovedandLost. How silly of me to assume the mortgage and electricity were paid. He was spending all of that money on stuff that he was hiding from me: ski equipment, new boobs for the OW, bikes, travel, wining and dining the slunt.

Then telling me there was no money to buy winter boots and slickers for the children.

I’m usually at Meh but do sometimes allow myself to fantasize about him growing old alone. The final and unavoidable karma for the disordered.

GracieD
GracieD
5 years ago
Reply to  MehGloriousMeh

Here too. DD1 he skipped a couple of days before the Bailiffs came knocking. I had to face them with two under tens clinging to my legs. But I’m a mean bitter bitch for not forgiving a ‘mistake’.

Geode
Geode
5 years ago
Reply to  GracieD

My ex lost his 4th surgical position in 2 years, is doing temp work in a rural area and is the defendant in 3 legal actions, one of which is being covered online and in print by the newspaper, complete with his picture. Beep beep, karma bus!

lovedandlost
lovedandlost
5 years ago
Reply to  Geode

Ya mine isnt public so he can fly under the wire. He has 3 judgements against him but as long as he’s self-employed and “low-income”, the only apparent consequence is bad credit. He lives by the adage that “You can’t get blood from a stone”

Leavealyingloser
Leavealyingloser
5 years ago

I wonder about the things i don’t know. Fortunately my mind wont let me dwell on it too long.
But i have had to accept i didn’t know this person like i thought.
There were lies,crazy lies,even before we were married.
I see now that they were,in fact, not just misunderstandings.
He enjoys the power he gains by lying. He has been doing it all along.

Feelingit
Feelingit
5 years ago

Exactly, I still wonder what I don’t know but I can’t dwell on it considering what I do know. Just the other day we got the long awaited company financials and my lawyer upon determining he makes more money than we knew asked what does he spend his money on? I can only imagine.

OptionNoMore
OptionNoMore
5 years ago

I didn’t know that the relationship did involve sex almost from the beginning when he swore (and still does) that it was only an emotional affair.

I didn’t know about their “dates” – beach days when he took time off work, overnight in the city, baseball games, amusement part (how old are we?), dinners. Going with her to her family cottage to be with her parents and children. He claimed that he would just go over to her house to talk, drink some wine, watch a movie, because she was good company and a good listener.

I didn’t know about an emotional attachment he had with one of the mom’s from the kids’ school three years ago. She explained that there was a flirtation at that time because she was having issues with her husband’s infidelity and enjoyed the friendship she was having with my husband. However, she wasn’t looking to have an affair with him, and he suddenly was sharing his dreams of them pursuing something together.

I didn’t know that he had been watching pornography regularly the last few years. Studies are showing that the high stimulation that men feel from watching porn is a huge killer of intimacy in a marriage. Men will lose attraction for their wives as the stimulation in real life interaction with the spouse cannot compare to the self-centred gratifciation of porn.

I didn’t know that he was starting to visit the casino more often on his own. More addictive behaviour.

I didn’t know that he still maintained contact with the other woman during 12 weeks of marriage counselling last spring.

Didn’t know that he connected with her during a trial separation in which he wanted some time on his own to screw his head on straight.

Didn’t know that he applied the marriage principles learned from our couple’s therapy weekend last fall to their relationship instead to demonstrate that he knows how they are going to beat the odds of affair relationships lasting.

Didn’t know that he created an email account two weeks after swearing to me that he wanted to do everything to save our marriage last October (told me that he had clarity of thought and knew that leaving me was the biggest mistake he could ever make, apologized to members of my family for hurting me, made arrangements for more counselling, etc.) and used that email account to maintain communication with the OW while he systematically dismantled the marriage by Christmas.

Didn’t know that each time he started talking about how being around me does nothing but cause him anxiety really meant that she was back in the picture (Honey, that anxiety is called “guilt” – hate to break it to you.).

Didn’t know how much he SUCKED. Realizing now more and more each day.

FreeWoman
FreeWoman
5 years ago
Reply to  OptionNoMore

‘He claimed that he would just go over to her house to talk, drink some wine, watch a movie, because she was good company and a good listener.’
Hahahahah! Ohhhh so familiar. Same here. EVEN the time they met at a hotel room, it was for talking! I’ve been around them a bunch, she was a neighbor, and they did blab about the most stupid shit.
But nah, they were having sex. Talking must be code for sex.

hollowbunny
hollowbunny
5 years ago
Reply to  FreeWoman

Haha I got the good listener line too. Like I told the mow’s husband/original ap, “of course she was a good listener, she couldn’t talk with his dick in her mouth.”

Lady B
Lady B
5 years ago
Reply to  OptionNoMore

Was thinking that today, my ex used to crap on about his anxiety, never would do anything about it for more than 2 sessions but really it was just guilt or his conscience plaguing him!
Yes we feel shitty and anxious when we do bad stuff.

No Shit Cupcakes
No Shit Cupcakes
5 years ago
Reply to  OptionNoMore

“Studies are showing that the high stimulation that men feel from watching porn is a huge killer of intimacy in a marriage. Men will lose attraction for their wives as the stimulation in real life interaction with the spouse cannot compare to the self-centred gratifciation of porn.”

It beat my ego all to hell when I realized that for him, sex with a real live willing partner is the equivalent of ‘bad porn’.

Current Chump
Current Chump
5 years ago

What I didn’t know-Ex was a porn (and hooker) addicted cheater too. He failed to disclose that minor fact before we were married.

What I didn’t know-Why I was lost in the ‘dick desert’ for years after we married wondering why we were practically sexless and when we tried to have sex, the dick didn’t work. But of course, that was all MY fault for a multitude of reasons-not young, skinny, Asian, etc. Que the excessive porn use & hookers.

What I didn’t know-That was not how a normal marriage is supposed to be. No married couples really have sex, right?!

What I didn’t know-Cheater was convinced the porn was REAL & that the hookers really wanted him because he was so great. There aren’t words.

What I didn’t know-That cheater kept multiple porn stashes complete with DVD’s with his ratings scrawled on them in black sharpie-“great” “good” “bad” …………Seriously.

What I didn’t know-That cheater was filling & using multiple Viagra prescriptions-just not with me. Viagra doesn’t work with your wife.

What I didn’t know-Who the hell I was married to & anything about his “other life” every day when he walked out the door. That was the tough one to get over.

What I know now-I am glad to be rid of that disordered, narcissist freak. He can no longer hurt me. His shame was not mine to bear. There is peace and happiness in my house. I wish I would have left sooner. The pain IS finite. I am a good person worthy of a wonderful life & love. I am going to make the rest of my life the best of my life. I am happy now.

ICanSeeTheMehComing!
ICanSeeTheMehComing!
5 years ago

Sure is, NSC. Mr. Sparkles would leave his dirty hand towels on top of the laundry pile as an added insult to me… a sick, twisted “look what you make me do” gaslight.

If only I had that kind of power – to control a person’s mind and actions – I think I might’ve used it to keep my husband from being a lying whore instead of using it to make him cheat and jerk off to porn.

OhHellNo
OhHellNo
5 years ago

The karma bus for compulsive porn users (male) is generally ED.

Ex — who decided that sex with the computer screen and his hand was better quality than a willing wife — is now doing everything he can to get his poor, limp dick to stand at attention. This includes natural remedies that I can only guess taste like $hit, pumps, creams, gels and lotions. I know this because he has been too lazy to change the billing address on his credit card and it came to my house and “accidentally” got opened. By me. hahaha About ten lines were bills from companies like Mens Natural Health, Power Sex Supplements, Love Pumps Inc, etc.

Can’t believe that I ever felt attracted to him in any way, because now when I think about his disgusting, jiggly, hairy, flaccid body — I throw up in my mouth.

And now the slunt takes a strap on dildo pumping from his frustrated ass. hahahaha!!!!

Oh the irony of THAT karma bus.

Geode
Geode
5 years ago
Reply to  OhHellNo

As Dr. Fucktard funds it harder and harder to get and keep a surgical position, he can start writing scripts for the magic elixir he self prescribed and injected into his broken dick to give it some life. There seems to be plenty of ex assholes with ED here to make it a legit business.

Chickynot
Chickynot
5 years ago
Reply to  Geode

Hahaha! Dr. Fucktard and my Ex could go into business when they both lose their licenses!

OptionNoMore
OptionNoMore
5 years ago
Reply to  OhHellNo

My hubby had been suffering a lot of ED, more and more over the years. Never would go to the doctor about it. I wouldn’t engage him anymore because I didn’t want him to feel bad.

I discovered that he was watching porn regularly through a questionnaire that he filled out for the second marriage counsellor we attempted to see (never got to this issue because we only had three sessions). I dug into the computer to find his answers to the questionnaire we both had to fill out. On the intimacy section, he admitted that he’s been watching porn regularly for a few years, but that he hadn’t watched any in the last year. Well, the last year is when the affair started. He traded in the porn for the real deal.

I have a hard time believing that he is suddenly at maximum performance with this woman. His family doctor recently left a message on my voicemail (I guess he forgot to change his contact information at the office) that they would like for him to return. I don’t think he went to the doctor more than a handful of times in the 15 years I’d known him and now the doctor’s office is calling him back. That would only be to discuss test results. Just saying…

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
5 years ago
Reply to  OptionNoMore

Call the Dr and tell them he doesn’t live there anymore, do not leave messages. It feels good to do this and it’s good for you. I took great pleasure in telling any callers for exasshole that he no longer was at this number or address and to cease contacting me. Stop thinking about his bullshit ED, his problem now, not yours. Jedi Hugs!

PrisonChump
PrisonChump
5 years ago
Reply to  Datdamwuf

Yes I return any mail that comes for ex narc. Just write “return to sender, no longer at this address” and pop it right back in the mail box. I know alot of the ones i get are collection notices by the way the outside looks. Ha ha ha what a looser! Im so glad I’m not married to him anymore and responsible for his debt.

Langele
Langele
5 years ago
Reply to  OhHellNo

Karma indeed. Yes there is a satisfaction to knowing it.

QueenMother
QueenMother
5 years ago

Porn is serious shit. Yes, it harms marriages. It also harms school boys, yah, elementary age boys. They come to school with their swagger and sneers and bullish ways towards girls. Too early interest in all-things sexual. Protection from Porn is one cause we chumps should take on.

Now-I-Know-What-Hell-Looks-Like
Now-I-Know-What-Hell-Looks-Like
5 years ago
Reply to  QueenMother

Couldn’t agree more. I have seen SO much devastation caused by porn and the effect it has, especially on men. I despise it.

cuz chump
cuz chump
5 years ago

I didn’t know that he was stashing cash in his parents safe.
I didn’t know about his secret cell phone.
I didn’t know that he also was making dates on facebook with other women. While he was cheating with my cousin.
I didn’t know that he was telling his family and lawyer that I was a nut job.
I didn’t know while he was cheating with my cousin. That he was telling her I was crazy, lazy, could not keep jobs. And that I liked to rack up credit card debt.

Those are things I found out about. Who knows what other lies he told about me. Funny how he forgot to tell them that he verbally abused me for most of our marriage. That he refused to put me on his health insurance. Hardly gave me money towards bills. I could go on and on.

LilyInTheForest
LilyInTheForest
5 years ago
Reply to  cuz chump

I was crazy and lazy, too! 🙂
But he could not tell OW that I was a penny-pincher, because he thinks she’s worse than me. Spoiler: none of us are, probably.

Hopium4years
Hopium4years
5 years ago

Methinks they doth project too much.

Not the exact words, but very close to crazy and lazy:

The kind lady who came to my house to inform me the Python told her he was divorced and that they’d been having fuckfests for a few weeks said I was described by him as “depressed and lazy.” Not only that, but after our supposed divorce, he told her I was sleeping on my brother’s couch because I had no place else to go.

Isn’t it ironic? HE’S now the one sleeping on the couch.

And lazy? If he takes out the garbage (he almost left without doing it today; I had to remind him) he has done his one and only chore for the week. He does NOTHING else around the house. Except his own laundry – and he doesn’t even do that very often: when I saw him walking around with the same picked-zit blood stains on his underpants on two different days, I realized that I seldom see him washing whites. EWWWW!

TMI – he probably has a zitty butt (such big stains, I’m thinking they might be boils) because he wears dirty underpants. BARF.

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
5 years ago
Reply to  Hopium4years

Hopium4years, why is he in your house? Please get him out for your own sanity. Jedi Hugs!

Wormfree2017
Wormfree2017
5 years ago
Reply to  Hopium4years

I love stories where the cheater makes future predictions for chumps but the karma bus rolls in and gives them exactly what they predicted for us.
Worm, “You think anyone will want you? One day, you’ll see! I’ll be moving all my things out and another woman will be helping me!”
Guess what? Ten months after I left a wonderful man was helping me move out all my things. Actually glad the Worm wasn’t there to see it. It felt incredible!

LilyInTheForest
LilyInTheForest
5 years ago

I did not know about the teenage erotica reading.
I did not know the cheating started when I got pregnant.
I did not understand the extent of the gaslighting (even though he had pushed me into a psychatric clinic).
I did not know how much he had lied to her about me.
I did not know he had flunked the Mensa test majestically. He had told me before his IQ was over 130.
I did not know about the STD tests and the cancer test he had gotten.
I did not he had taken my toddler twice to meet the OW and her family.
I did not realised how arrogant he was and how entitled he felt.

FreeWoman
FreeWoman
5 years ago

So delusional, to think you’re such a genius you go take a Mensa test! And you fail it ????

LilyInTheForest
LilyInTheForest
5 years ago
Reply to  FreeWoman

I took the test out of curiosity, and got admitted 🙂
That’s why he wanted to take the test.
So, to everyone in the Chump Nation: you can be a genius and a total chump. Well, at least you can pass a Mensa test and be a total chump 😀

LilyInTheForest
LilyInTheForest
5 years ago

And the secret Facebook account 😀

GracieD
GracieD
5 years ago

Yep. Apparently Facebook automatically registers you as single and interested in women, and he didnt know how to change it. No wonder he didnt make much as a graphic designer.

LilyInTheForest
LilyInTheForest
5 years ago
Reply to  GracieD

I got the same explanation here 😀
My cheater is among other things… a data engineer. Rofl.

Ironbutterfly
Ironbutterfly
5 years ago

I didn’t know he was cheating with a coworker.
I didn’t know he was hiding money.
I didn’t know he was going to buy a business with the other woman two months before our divorce was final
I didn’t know all his friends and some of his family knew what he was doing.
I didn’t know how despicable his family was until they disowned me and my daughter (his stepdaughter) after 23 years of marriage.
I also didn’t know how much my life would improve when all the toxic disordered people were out of my life ????

IowaChump
IowaChump
5 years ago

A month before our court date, my lawyer subpoenaed his clock rings. There were days that he called in sick that the kids & I thought he had gone to work.

No Shit Cupcakes
No Shit Cupcakes
5 years ago
Reply to  IowaChump

I blinked twice because I read ‘cock rings’ and thought, “JFC – Fitbit is EVERYWHERE!” Then I thought, “How do they measure that?” Finally I realized my mind was tricking me.

I know it isn’t funny, but maybe it will give you a grin.

I may have just stumbled over a new feature for at least one sex aid. Go me. Now to find someone to develop an app for that!

NotMyFault
NotMyFault
5 years ago

I did not know:
That he had an “affair” bank account.
That he took her out to dinner every Wednesday night.
That he lost over $30,000 in penny slot machines in one a one half years.
That this was the reason that the ho never came over to say hello to me at his retirement party.
That he “retired” because he was getting fired.
That he stole the safe deposit box so he could accumulate cash.
That he gave her the leftover paint from my renovated bathroom…and maybe even painted her bathroom himself? It was a very unusual color and the odds of her bathroom being the same color are astronomical. Plus, the remaining paint is missing.
That while I was begging him to intervene on the estrangement of our youngest son, he saw this as the perfect opportunity to actually use parental alienation (lest someone discover the affair).
That while I was putting daily eye drops in his eyes (post retinal detachment surgery), he was sleeping with someone else.
That he purchased trip cancellation coverage on my birthday.
That he changed from Viagra to Cialis.
That I was being compared…from condition of skin to behavior in bed.
That the Saturday before he left (overnight at the casino with the guys), actually was at the Marriott with her, took her to a wine bar and I actually paid for an additional bottle for the room.
My son did not know that while his father asked him to bring trailer to her house to help a coworker…his dad was sleeping with her.
And finally, I never knew that I was married to such an ASS!

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
5 years ago
Reply to  NotMyFault

“That he lost over $30,000 in penny slot machines in one a one half years”. Wow! That’s a lot of pennies.

Whatringofhellisthis
Whatringofhellisthis
5 years ago
Reply to  NotMyFault

evil bastard

Liz
Liz
5 years ago

He lied about his education.
He lied about his first marriage.
He lied about his porn habit.
He lied about his secret bank account and phone.

Then, there are all of the infidelity lies. About his whereabouts and OWs. So many!!

Liars lie through their lying lie-holes.
I will never know all of his lies and don’t need to.
Trust that they suck!

Pret
Pret
5 years ago

I didn’t know about the secret bank account. His response? I didn’t tell you because I wanted to save that money to buy tools for the house. You always make a face when I buy stuff. Yeah, right. This from the guy who put a bucket under the leak from the roof. I didn’t know about the vacation he went on with his mistress when he said he was going to a blade show during a visit to see his friend out of state. He went so far as to “pretend” he was booking the flight and “screenshot” the flight details to me. His response when I found out? All that’s in the past! I didn’t know about the Christmas party he took his mistress to. Then he told my parents all about the party the next morning. Of course, he conveniently left out the part about taking his mistress… oh and the hotel room after and the gift he gave her…I’m pretty sure there’s a hell of a lot more this cheating, lying piece of shit still hasn’t revealed.

Doingme
Doingme
5 years ago

There’s so much I didn’t know. And yet what I did know should have made me RUN and never look back.

Imagine the final OW asking why I stayed if he was so bad? As if a lifetime of humiliation wasn’t bad enough.

What I didn’t know about the person I stayed with for 41 years.

1. He’s a pathological liar.
2. A covert malignant narcissist.
3. That he wasn’t capable of loving anyone.
4. He respects no one.
5. He mirrored my qualities.
6. He enjoyed inflicting pain.
7. He didn’t want anyone else to have me.

I didn’t know there was such evil that existed. A man who attended all his children’s events and used those very children and the image I provided to prey on OW.

I didn’t know the breadth and depths of the disordered and the lengths they go to in order to extract every ounce of your identity and soul to nourish their sickness.

I didn’t know I was a battered woman, was unaware of the trauma bond; a bond that allowed further abuse and nearly killed me.

I didn’t know that facing the pain was the way out and the road to Meh.

20 Million! And every time someone supports CL somewhere a cheaters penile pump malfunctions with a BOOM!

Mitz
Mitz
5 years ago
Reply to  Doingme

Yup, you can be with someone for a long time and not understand how truly sick they are.

Hell2theNO
Hell2theNO
5 years ago

I did know that he fancied himself smarter than all of Wall Street. I now know he day-traded and lost all of my inheritance.

I did know that he was very controlling of our finances. I now know I had a second mortgage I knew nothing about.

I did know that he brought himself new black briefs. I now know he was screwing another woman. WITHOUT PROTECTION!!

I came across his dating profile on a dating app. It was hysterical. Pure fiction!! Speaks 3 languages. Took a driving class in ROME! He totally made himself out to be James Bond. It made me oddly reassured to try online dating- if the whack-a-do’s make it so easy to spot them. He referred to himself as low baggage because he only has 3 kids who live with their mother. Who says something like that and thinks that’s a selling point? Ew.

ICanSeeTheMehComing!
ICanSeeTheMehComing!
5 years ago

I didn’t know he was a sociopath.
I didn’t know he was bisexual.
I didn’t know he liked anonymous sex with groups and couples.
I didn’t know the likelihood of crabs coming from blankets/sheets in hotels is less than 5%.

TGIF CN… this list will take up too much of my precious fuckwit free time if I’m not careful today!

A
A
5 years ago

Icanseethemehcoming

Same exact scenario here.
I feel you.

Now he’s “bipolar and on meds and a lot of therapy. Can’t we save the marriage?

Bwahahahahahahahah

Langele
Langele
5 years ago
Reply to  A

Sadly
My dearest sibling is duped by this insanity defense

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
5 years ago
Reply to  Langele

That is sad Langele. Maybe if she reads some Captain Awkward stuff it would help? CA has some mental health issues and her number one advice is that you cannot save people. The person with mental health issues has to do the work to get and stay healthy. Otherwise you get sucked into loosing your own life for theirs. See especially the Darth Vader Boyfriend posts.

Jedi hugs to you and your sibling

Born Free
Born Free
5 years ago
Reply to  Datdamwuf

True that. My X has mental health issues. If they aren’t willing to get assistance there really is zero you can do other than run from the tornado.

ICanSeeTheMehComing!
ICanSeeTheMehComing!
5 years ago

Remembered this one nugget on my way in to work…

I didn’t know that he started fucking his first wife three years into our marriage and continued fucking her for six years (basically whenever she came to our state to visit her children that were living with us and I was financially supporting).

Good times.

Whatringofhellisthis
Whatringofhellisthis
5 years ago

I didn’t know what I was dealing with. I didn’t know that both of his grandmother’s are cluster B monsters. I married the “golden child” narc of their family. I didn’t know that his father is a NPD wife abuser and a cheater. I’d be leaving for work and FIL would start moaning and whimpering and i would have to rush around to bring him things to make him feel better. Why were these psychos always in my house! I was told all the bad things they did to me were my fault. I was crazy. I was too sensitive. Once I figured out who my husband was I had a light bulb moment. I stepped in a Narc hornet nest and I’ve been suffering for the last 10 years. I’m 99% sure evil granny poisoned me when she came to visit us. I got violently ill after eating her dinner and no one else did. She wouldn’t let me in my kitchen when she was cooking that night. I know what she did. She also stabbed our floor with knives on days that she wasn’t able to act out on me. At the time my happy little mind just didn’t believe it. oh no she must have just dropped the knives. I wish I noticed the red flags and added his family together and wasn’t naive. You can’t nice the evil out of people. I didn’t know that.

Whodoesthat
Whodoesthat
5 years ago

Evil grannies !?? My MIL decided to get rid of our pet rabbits who happened to have a good old life roaming free in our yard. Once darling son decided to move on to pastures new she cleared up the problem of selling the family home (that he had maxxed out the mortgage) so his wife and 3 kids could downsize to an appartment by disposing of the free range pets . Thanks granny !!

ChumpSaidBuhBye
ChumpSaidBuhBye
5 years ago

I didn’t know that he exploited socially isolated and vulnerable women without strong support networks for money, gifts, attention, adoration, and favors.

Some were disabled, some were mentally ill, some were outcasts, some were older and alone. All of them were lonely and didn’t have people in their lives to look out for them and warn them off a charmer who just wanted to be their friend out of the kindness of his heart.

His opinion was that if he could make them feel like someone cared about them, and they showed their gratitude in some way, it was transactional and not exploitative.

Born Free
Born Free
5 years ago

My X is doing that right now. He’s living off an elderly woman… with bedroom “benefits”. Disgusting. Apparently he’s been accused of elder abuse before with a different woman he rented a room from. Just appalling.

Anything to keep a roof over his head.

ChumpSaidBuhBye
ChumpSaidBuhBye
5 years ago
Reply to  Born Free

I’m sure my ex will wind up living off of an elderly woman too one day. It’s the end stage for people like him.

Hopium4years
Hopium4years
5 years ago

Lots of them apparently pick out needy women for their prey.

One of the Python’s recent victims has MS, another is diabetic. Both quite overweight. The charmer (aren’t they all?) lovebombed them into loving him. Too bad they don’t realize he’s just using them for attention, adoration, sex, and whatever else he can get. As much as he lies to THEM (join the club), he certainly doesn’t love them!

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
5 years ago
Reply to  Hopium4years

Ex did say something about “taking advantage of lonely women” in regards to Schmoopie 1.0 and 2.0. In the case of 1.0 I think that may well be true. I do feel like he was taking advantage of her and she didn’t really know what she was getting into. Schmoopie 2.0 is a different story, however. He has himself convinced that he was taking advantage of her, but she knew damn well what she was doing all along. Her ex implied that he wasn’t her first affair. Ex says he exaggerated. At the very least she probably had several emotional affairs and was looking to have a physical one to get back at her then husband for daring to cheat on her (never mind that she cheated on him before they were married so really she started it). It may have just taken her a while to find someone stupid enough to bite. Then, when her husband divorced her over it, she had to latch onto ex and tear him away from his family to make it fair. She convinced ex that dumping her was crueler than discarding the devoted and faithful wife of 20+ years and breaking up his kids’ family. She may well have been “lonely”, but nobody was taking advantage of her. She was calculating and deliberate in her actions. He is a manipulator himself, but she is out of his league in that regard. He just doesn’t know it. I guess being an unwitting tool is his karma.

no-way
no-way
5 years ago

Oh I so hope my ex is in the same boat. He has to live in a caravan in her parents back garden. They both work together in a stuffy kitchen too. Im feeling that he’ll ride this one out as he has no other option. No wonder he got so pissed when a courier delivered 20 boxes of his useless, cut up, one shoe per pair stuff! Means he’s staying! Though I know I’m getting painted as crazy and controlling – No, I’m reacting to abuse, lies, deception, fraud, neglect, child abandonment, getting taken for a ride! No more.
Now his mother wants me to do mediation with her?! Coz she’s not seeing his kids. I even have to do that for him! Pathetic.

Born Free
Born Free
5 years ago
Reply to  no-way

Mediation? No way!

ChumpSaidBuhBye
ChumpSaidBuhBye
5 years ago
Reply to  Hopium4years

No, he doesn’t love them, he doesn’t even respect them. Women are nothing but sources for him.

A romantic partner for stability and social currency purposes, an OW or two to fetishize and dominate, and a harem of love bombed lonely women for material and emotional kibbles.

What’s really gross is how he mind fucked them to keep them physically at arm’s length. Lies he used to get out of having to consummate the relationships with his harem of love bombed lonely women were: He’s asexual. He’s on medication that destroys his libido and causes sexual dysfunction. He can’t take the little blue pill because he has a bad heart. He’s got PTSD from childhood physical or sexual abuse, so closeness and touching gives him anxiety attacks. His last partner was a pervert and forced him to do deviant acts and he’s sexually traumatized.

Most of them didn’t know about me. They didn’t bother to question why he wasn’t available a lot of the time. He claimed he was busy with work and other obligations. The ones who did know about me, well that was more incentive for them to dance harder and give more freely to win his love.

He’s a predator and a con artist.

Hopium4years
Hopium4years
5 years ago
Reply to  Hopium4years

I should rephrase – “needy” isn’t the right word. Maybe more accurate to say they’re women who are not used to getting a lot of flattery and intense male attention, and are probably more prone to falling for b.s.?

Since both women were on dating websites and are kind of chubby, they probably don’t get as many eager suitors as thinner women. Then of course they reveal early on that they have chronic diseases (because they don’t lie by omission, like narcissists do), and that may scare off many of the guys who do go out with them.

So along comes the lovebombing Python. He’s charming and sparkly. And he lies to them about lots of things, including his marital status (we’re not divorced yet, but his dating profiles all say he is). He lays it on thick; “you look great in those jeans” kind of stuff. He used to speak derisively of overweight people. Now that he is one, they make fine “targets” for his predatory sexploits.

Chumptopia
Chumptopia
5 years ago
Reply to  Hopium4years

Hahaha…reminds me of an email I found where cheaterpants XH told schmoopie how ‘hot’ she was. This woman is the exact.opposite.of.hot. I’m positive she never heard that word and her name in the same sentence….EVER.

Whatringofhellisthis
Whatringofhellisthis
5 years ago
Reply to  Chumptopia

Same. I saw his messages to woman from dating site… he’s gushing over how gorgeous she is. Umm no. He’s is full of shit and a predator. What she looked like is a perfect target. Divorced with a kid and 10 yrs older than me. I called her. we had a nice chat. she cried and freaked out voice shaking because he said he was single and lied about everything he said. Yep a perfect target. She wouldn’t hurt a fly.

Zell
Zell
5 years ago

Her friends that knew, celebrated, and cheerleadered her on. When it goes from realizing I was married to an evil person to uncovering I was kind, welcomed into my home, and cared for the children of so many evil women.

Jann
Jann
5 years ago
Reply to  Zell

The children were blessed to have you care for them, sometimes that is all I can rationalize from my 8 years with a cheating narc.

RealMonkeyLove
RealMonkeyLove
5 years ago

I didn’t know how fundamentally cruel, callous, dishonest and selfish she was.

I’d got used to her being demanding and to be frank a pain in the arse but really seeing the truth was shocking.

I didn’t know that after 20 years together that I meant precisely nothing to her.

I didn’t know I had been used for years as the financier of her comfy lifestyle whilst I worked my butt off.

I didn’t know that 3 years later I would be the happiest I’ve ever been ????

no-way
no-way
5 years ago
Reply to  RealMonkeyLove

I know how that feels…..
Enjoy the freedom!

Cheated On
Cheated On
5 years ago
Reply to  RealMonkeyLove

RealMonkey, I hear ya. Either I was too blind w/love for my ex that I couldn’t get a read on her, or I blindly just assumed we were happy together. It’s still just so interesting how much she’s changed in less than a year. Perhaps she was always a flawed person, and I couldn’t/wouldn’t accept that.

KarenE
KarenE
5 years ago
Reply to  Cheated On

And you probably helped her look good, without even realizing.

Attie
Attie
5 years ago
Reply to  RealMonkeyLove

This! I can’t believe how happy I am since he has been gone. Him? He and Schmoops are currently having a Facebook spat as we speak, although why they have to do it over Facebook beats me!

Sucker Punched by a Saffa
Sucker Punched by a Saffa
5 years ago
Reply to  Attie

They do it over Fakebook for an audience ! Nothing like “putting your business out in the street”

Rebecca
Rebecca
5 years ago

OMG. 8 years post D-Day and 5 years post divorce I’m still finding out things!

Being married to a cheater is the gift that just keeps giving. I’m not sure if it ever ends!

So many cheaters who are paying alimony/maintenance are trying to get their settlements modified before January 1st when the tax laws change. After that date any modification will cause the payments to NOT be tax deductible to the payer and NOT be taxable to the recipient.

So I have to keep up my documentation that he isn’t really as poor as he is crying until Jan. 1st.
He knows he would be a fool to take me to court after that date.

Sick of ‘finding things out’.

Got-a-brain
Got-a-brain
5 years ago
Reply to  Rebecca

I didn’t know …

1) he was also screwing a coworker on top of prostitutes (no pun intended)

2) The 5 years of tax extensions he filed were because he knew we owed tons of money from the stocks he cashed out. He waited the max amount of time the the IRS will allow, which happened to be right at the end of our divorce that he dragged out for 3 years. Coincidence?

3) He is the type to lull you into a sense of false security, and then attack the jugular.

4) He’s a master of giving false impressions! He has a public face that unfailingly presents as nice, glossy and polished. The public face appears to be squeaky clean and wonderful, it’s what he does out of view of the public that’s the issue.

5) He’s always correct and anything he does can be justified.

6) Personally and professionally, those who dissent are marginalized, excluded and demonized. If he can’t get rid of a person calling him out, they are isolated and labeled. (Refer to item 4)

7) He flatters those who put him up on a pedestal and declare him to be wonderful. He needs the adulation, but insists he is humble and modest. This is how he transitions into making you think “you” are never good enough. Everyone should do more, work harder, but never feel a sense of accomplishment because you’ve failed to meet perfection.

8) He approaches all communication using vague language that can be interpreted many different ways. That way, when he doesn’t follow through, the problem then becomes your interpretation, not his failure.

Lola Granola
Lola Granola
5 years ago
Reply to  Got-a-brain

So a sociopath, basically …

Recovering Chump
Recovering Chump
5 years ago

So. much. money wasted.
Addiction.
Lying and hiding infidelity for YEARS.
Jail.
Probation.
Dragging me into his nasty online banter – joking with his “friends” about how I bend over backwards to make him happy since I became concerned about our relationship, and how fun it would be to be with me AND the other woman.

The discoveries came in dribs and drabs. When I became suspicious and started the pick-me dance, he just kept making me more shit sandwiches. This man and his “interesting” lifestyle has become the gift that keeps on giving.

Lothos
Lothos
5 years ago

Hmm, I found out (after our separation) that she was the one that cheated in her first marriage and the reason why she left and abandoned her three kids is because she did not want to face him about her cheating. She had always told me that he cheated and got the baby sitter pregnant which is why she left.

Her own kids corrected the version of the story I was told after our separation. I asked them why did you not tell me and they said they felt it was not appropriate.

I always thought it was weird that she abandoned her 3 kids on the drop of a dime. That should have been the big red flag!

AwakeningDreamer
AwakeningDreamer
5 years ago

I didn’t know about his 50K plus debt.

I did know about the incest with his sister.
The theft of his family’s property and brothers credit card.
His prediction for barely legal porn of the actors being forced to vomit, choke etc simulated rape scenes etc.

Lothos
Lothos
5 years ago

Incest with his sister?

WOW! Ok, that takes the cake. You win (assuming there was a contest).

JC
JC
5 years ago

Here’s a twist on CL’s question: what else I DID know, but my cheater thought I didn’t.

Before dating me, my now-ex-wife cheated on her prior boyfriend. The affair didn’t last, but I now know that part of the reason it didn’t last was because I came along. There’s a new sucker born every minute.

Before we got married, my now-ex-wife told me about this, when drunk (of course). She didn’t remember doing that. I was a chump, so I thought our “real love” wouldn’t allow this to happen again.

So, fast forward several years, during her affair cheating on me, and I brought it up.

Her response? “You’re not supposed to know about that.”

I was chump enough to argue with her, to futility explain that spouses are supposed to know and share everything, even mistakes from our past, because we love one-another, warts-and-all. And to explain that she’d already told me, years prior.

But I get it now. My XW’s approach to relationships doesn’t involve this level of intimacy. Instead, she constructs a house of cards, tricking the man into thinking she’s better than she is. And she sees NOTHING wrong with that; in fact, she believes that everyone does this.

That’s incompatibility. Only took me a marriage to understand it.

Chumpity-doo-da
Chumpity-doo-da
5 years ago
Reply to  JC

Same here. What I didn’t know: Found out after DDay from now ex-brother-in-law, she moved to another state at the age of 21 because she was following her then boyfriend who promptly dumped her. Her explanation to me before and during the marriage was that “she just wanted to go somewhere new” and “I just found an apartment online and moved there.”
What I didn’t know: Also heard a story that she supposedly broke up with one of her later boyfriends because he cheated on her, then told everyone she was pregnant, got back together with bf, and then “lost” the pregnancy. Knowing what I know now, I strongly suspect that she is the one that actually cheated, but of course, told her family the opposite to gain their pity and manage her image, and the “pregnancy” was just a power play over the bf.

Hopium4years
Hopium4years
5 years ago
Reply to  JC

“Instead, she constructs a house of cards, tricking the man into thinking she’s better than she is. And she sees NOTHING wrong with that; in fact, she believes that everyone does this.”

JC, the Python is just like her! He talked about valuing honesty and hating liars (what a great cover for a liar!), when it turns out he was the most dishonest person I’ve ever met: he lies DAILY, about things big and small.

And a few months ago (when I bothered to discuss his lying with him; now I say as little as possible to the man), I confronted him about his various lies to various people and he said everyone lies to get what they want. I told him none of MY friends lie to me or to others that much. And he said, yes they do.

I realized at that point that his mind was made up. I dropped it because I knew he was too messed up to ever see that his habit of pathological lying is not the norm.

newdaydawning
newdaydawning
5 years ago
Reply to  Hopium4years

x ALWAYS preached as to the value of honesty, what a mindfuck

UXworld
UXworld
5 years ago
Reply to  JC

Me too, JC.

As part of the post-break-up shenanigans I refer to in my post below was something she didn’t know I knew: that when telling me about her sexual exploits didn’t get the reaction from me that she wanted, she propositioned my longtime friend and roommate for sex (and was refused).

I kept this to myself for 20 years. When I finally told her during our 3.5 month shit show, she defaulted to the justification she’d always used to minimize every instance of shitty behavior: “I was angry at you.”

UXworld
UXworld
5 years ago

One of the toughest things for me isn’t necessarily what I didn’t know, but rather not knowing whether some of the thing she told me, which I believed, and which formed the foundation of our supposed bond as man and wife, were true.

I don’t know (and never will) whether her father really was the neglectful monster she painted him as being, or whether her mother really was the enabling alcoholic basket case I was told she was. But I believed it. (The fact that mom was an OW — dad’s secretary, no less — leads me to believe this one is in fact true.

I don’t know for a fact if she was legitimately sexually assaulted in college. I do know that she used those claims for years to garner sympathy and attention, and that since she’s devolved into a 46-year old teenager, her social media postings have contained multiple references to men suddenly leering at her, making unwanted advances, and inappropriate contact. Who knows if any of it’s true.

I don’t know for a fact that she had an abortion 3 weeks after we split up early in our courtship (after 10 months of dating). I do know that when we did split up (but remained friends), she went out of her way to tell me how many men she was going out with and what they did sexually, and that the timing of the alleged abortion seemed highly coincidental and convenient to her resentment of me for daring to call her out on some of the red flags I was noticing.

In the end of course, it doesn’t really matter whether any of these examples actually fall under “what I didn’t know.” I believed them, because when you love and commit to someone, they get the benefit of the doubt.

The degree to which she eagerly and enthusiastically mindfucked, deceived and betrayed me during the last 3 months of our marriage makes it as likely as not that they actually happened, and of course represent the biggest “I didn’t know” of all.

Sunflower gaze
Sunflower gaze
5 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

“One of the toughest things for me isn’t necessarily what I didn’t know, but rather not knowing whether some of the thing she told me, which I believed, and which formed the foundation of our supposed bond as man and wife, were true.”
This is so true for me too. Not knowing whether the “truths” are lies and the lies are half-truths, complete lies or exaggerations of truths.
He lies outright, lies by omission or exaggerates. He lies even when he doesn’t have to.
He lies to purposely hurt me, manipulate me or embarrass me.
He lies to tell me what I want to hear.
After all this time I feel like I don’t know him at all.
Looking back I wonder if my annoyance with him at times was this disorienting feeling of fear that I was living with someone I didn’t know.

Kathleen
Kathleen
5 years ago

I didn’t know after 34 years of marriage that he was an incurable liar
I didn’t know that he cheated on me for almost the entire marriage
I didn’t know after my cancer battle & losing a breast
that he compared my injured body to a whore with big breasts
I didn’t know how little he thought of me while the two of them laughed & humiliated me

But I know now that I was never loved., only wanted my body while I was young & desirable.,
until I wasn’t

So very sad ????

QueenMother
QueenMother
5 years ago
Reply to  Kathleen

Yup, it is very sad Kathleen. I’m so glad we chumps have each other for support. It’s so hard to realize that it was all a lie. It’s so hard to realize that our bodies were desirable until damaged by emotional stress. I’m trying so hard to find what is my normal healthy body now. I wonder how much health I can find in my body, mind and spirit.

Kathleen
Kathleen
5 years ago
Reply to  QueenMother

QueenMother
So true. I have Irritable Bowel Syndrome from being the marriage police then having him live in the basement after discovering the affair. He was cruel & got off on destroying me little piece at a time.

But your right.. finding health in our body mind & spirit is our door to peace. We now have to heal
ourselves & find strength to move on. Our lives will be healthier when they are not our problem anymore. May you find happiness in your daily life now. You so deserve it! ????

ReWrite
ReWrite
5 years ago

I, too, don’t allow myself the time to wonder what I don’t know..considering what I DO know. Sooo, here’s a little something his #3 chump bride doesn’t know..he’s still active on Match.com and POF.

Hopium4years
Hopium4years
5 years ago

Like Tracy, I found out recently he had a kid. Has nothing to do with him.

Doesn’t get much lower than that. But he’s the Python, so low is to be as expected as his snake’s belly.

I am the Chump.
I am the Chump.
5 years ago
Reply to  Hopium4years

There was a first marriage and two kids I knew nothing about. Found out when my daughter was about two, so I wasn’t prepared to leave him since I wanted her to have a father. I knew about a second (I thought first) marriage and two kids when I met him and he was making an effort with those two which has since failed. Now, he has nothing to do with any of them. That makes 5 children total that I know about, and I have reason to suspect there is another, which is another story entirely. He pretends none of these very troubled now adult children exist unless he gets pulled into one of their dramas from time to time.

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
5 years ago

I didn’t know that I did know the four operations, add, substract, multiply and divide, and how to balance a family budget. That sparkledick was mindfucking me about this in order to hide his “fuck-allowance”.

About six years ago I was in a very fashionable neighborhood in Bern, Switzerland, hobbling along beside Sparkledick. He had spent the entire trip complaining about how I was dressed.

BTW … a trip 90% of which I paid for because he “only was using American Express”, which is not accepted in most places in Switzerland. Of course: he had topped the limit of his VISA and Mastercard. Little did I know.

Anyway, this absolutely massively elegant young woman comes of of this seven star hotel and I joked with Sparkledick that maybe he wanted me to dress like her…. Little did I know.

BTW, Ms D-day Flatterfuck dresses like one of those donkeys in a Mexican festival.

Jeanny
Jeanny
5 years ago
Reply to  ClearWaters

Clearwaters

Did your H provided you with money to dress like a million $ woman? I doubt….
They think they are entitled to $$$$$$ while having hard time to do the easiest simple thing: being a man with integrity

thebestme
thebestme
5 years ago

During the divorce and right after the divorce, I found out…

*This was not his first affair

*He did borrow money from his mother, he swore his sister was lying. I found documentation.

*He had been engaged 4 other times, I only knew once.

*He swore he did not see his best friend because the friend was so busy with his family. found out he dated the sister for 2 years (cheated and gaslighted her) so the family hated him. oddly enough the best friend did not.

*He had been telling our children that he was going to leave my lazy, boring ass since they were in elementary school. They spent their childhoods waiting for a divorce. This I will never forgive/forget.

*He had the BB gun from his childhood, he claimed he was abused and they took it away from him to give it to his sister, but I found it hid in our garage after he left. Bat shit crazy

*He was a self proclaimed pathological liar.

*He was living with a woman when I met him, he told me he was renting the basement. She was the one he was cheating on when he left his 1st wife. Yep the 1st wife he had a 9 year on and off again affair with during the first years of our 20 year marriage.

*His first wife did not beat him up during their 18 month marriage. (I talked to her the first time after I had filed for divorce, also how I found out about the affair.)

*He was in trouble a few times at work because of sleeping around. Had several women fired, He was a director, but it was catching up with him by the time the DDay affair was found out. That was why he was changing jobs. So I helped him get this job, even went on the final interview with him to show family support at moving to new town. Little did I know he was going to take mistress and kids and leave me at home broken and alone. I caught him taking the boss aside and telling them I did not really like the town later.

There is so much more. Side note, he did move but not with the kids (they are completely No contact) and the mistress married her live in boyfriend and stayed in my town.. yuck. So Ex remarried a local girl in new town and is settled in nicely. Me, I am still in family house, went from being a SAHM to full time employment, living with my two college age sons, and it is hard but we are moving forward and creating a life.

Yep he sucks.

Mehsmerized
Mehsmerized
5 years ago

I didn’t know that he wasn’t who I thought he was in thoughts, deeds, or actions.

I didn’t know that he wasn’t who HE thought he was in thoughts, deeds, or actions..

I didn’t know that he was, in all respects, a counterfeit human.

Newlady15
Newlady15
5 years ago

I didn’t know he actually sold his customer list when I made him give up the business he lost 500k in —our entire life savings. He spent this money on himself while I went crazy trying to cover our bills on 3 properties and told our son he could not expect any financial help from us at college. I didn’t know he screwed people over in his car repair business endangering them with shoddy work- I heard this from a friend of ours—made no difference to him—he did it to our friend too. I didn’t know he owed people money that he didn’t pay. I didn’t know that he didn’t love me when we reconciled and the vows at our vow renewal wedding in Central Park meant absolutely nothing to him except the continuation of me being his wallet.

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
5 years ago
Reply to  Newlady15

Jedi Hugs! You’ll get peace, takes time!

champchump
champchump
5 years ago

I didn’t know my ex fathered a child either, then secretly paid $10,000/year in child support for 13 years until I discovered the situation. At that point I finally filed for divorce.

I will never know, besides the $130,000 in child support, what other funds were diverted out of our assets over the years. I did the household finances, but my ex ran our family businesses, so had plenty of opportunity for additional embezzlement.

My kids didn’t know they’ve had a half brother living in Toronto, Canada since 2001.

I never knew what caused my abnormal Pap smear, or occasional infection over our 32 years together.

I will never know how many women came in and out of our marriage without my knowledge during those decades.

I didn’t know with the last one my ex had started using Cialis, but when I found out, I did have to laugh.

I don’t know how many victims he’s swooned since we split in 2014, and I no longer care.

Carol39
Carol39
5 years ago

Oh, so many things I didn’t know. I should have run screaming when shortly after our marriage I found out about a huge pile of debt he had conveniently failed to mention. But oh no! I spackled. I could FIX this problem. I fixed up and sold the small, trashy home he had to pay off the debts. And it was a new, fresh start! Until I found a whole new pile of debts a few years later.

I didn’t know that he sexually abused his maid and her daughter when he was a teen. I didn’t know that he had been a peeping tom. I didn’t know that he had a porn addiction. He said he had been waiting for sex until marriage. I was amazed at his commitment to purity. Wow was I naive. I’d never again date a thirty-year-old who claims to be pure as the driven snow. If he claims to have NO stories to tell by then, then he has some very convenient memory loss or he is asexual. Either way, he isn’t marriage material.

LilyInTheForest
LilyInTheForest
5 years ago
Reply to  Carol39

“I didn’t know that he sexually abused his maid and her daughter when he was a teen.”
*Me heading to the bathroom to throw up*
The guy is &%#!!

Tempest
Tempest
5 years ago

What I found out about Hannibal Lecher’s activities after I filed for divorce would fill a book (and it soon will ; )

I divorced him after finding out about his affair with gradwhore from 8 years earlier. Two days before the divorce was final, a friend told me he had taken her to Mexico with him for a conference. He had asked for a divorce that trip, and had let her stay in the room to hear the conversation with me–the mother of his two children, who had stood by him for 16 years. Fucker. That alone has earned him my perpetual hatred.

He changed his mind within days to “return to the marriage” (only because I didn’t know about the affair, and would not for 8 more years), but after the divorce I found credit card receipts for a Juicy Couture watch he bought her after the breakup, as a parting gift.

Also after filing, found out about another student affair, a very likely affair with an academic colleague in a different city, and probably LOTS of hookups at conferences over the years.

The Ashley Madison scandal broke 5 months after the divorce; yup, he was on the list (and the Adult Friend Finder list, very likely on several other dating sites).

Hired a PI a year after the divorce because I finally realized that the horrific treatment 8 months before D-day was a devalue period, meaning…ta da… another affair. Yes, it was, with his current GF (whom he has passed off as having met after the divorce). Furthermore, 3 days after D-day, he took that AP with him to China for a conference trip, though he was claiming he wanted to save the marriage.

His perfidy spanned the entire marriage, I’m sure, as the Case of the Missing Condom 3 months after our nuptials was never solved. So happy to be rid of him.

ICanSeeTheMehComing!
ICanSeeTheMehComing!
5 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Tempest… wouldn’t you love for CL to draw a picture of the gradwhore wearing that Juicy Couture watch… good Lord, was she 12?

Can’t wait for YOUR book!

Rae44
Rae44
5 years ago

I didnt know he had never been faithful to any gf before me. So i recently said to him maybe his should try his hardest with his next realtionship so he doesn’t go to his grave knowing that he was simply a cheat. If he finds someone willing to take a chance on him real soon he might even manage more than our 23 years with one woman. Apparently he doesnt want anyone else, strange now hes free he doesnt but when we were fully committed by marriage it was ok to literally fuck around with an also married woman….

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
5 years ago
Reply to  Rae44

He’s just mindfucking you with that shit, go blank on him, get on with your life and find some peace. Jedi Hugs!

newdaydawning
newdaydawning
5 years ago

After Pandora’s box was opened I found out:
He had been cheating our entire marriage
Had his affairs in our house while I was working
Had taken my name off joint accounts
Had taken my name off vehicle titles
Was setting me up to take the fall on an illegal business I knew nothing about
Had a huge stash of money he left with
Had stolen from his family
Had lied about his childhood adventures which was really him running from illegal activities
Had cheated on his first wife
Had a child he never acknowledged
Had been trashing me behind my back for years in anticipation of leaving
Had planned on disappearing with ow along with the previously mentioned vehicles
Recently found out he had physically abused my now adult children when they were younger while I was at work
Had used my personal information to try and open accounts without my knowledge
I’m sure there’s more but I know enough to know he’s evil
It was like an episode of The Twilight Zone

newdaydawning
newdaydawning
5 years ago
Reply to  newdaydawning

He also took ow with us on a family vacation I paid for.

Gonegirl
Gonegirl
5 years ago

I didn’t know he forged my signature on numerous property deeds for his business. I also didn’t know he forged my signature on a power of attorney giving his Mommy permission to sign for me. She turned around and signed my name on a multi million dollar loan for same business. Used our home and the properties as collateral.

When my attorney discovered this, he said in his 25 years of practice he has never seen anything like my ex, and he did criminal at one time.

I have a pretty good imagination, but I can make this stuff up. It’s like a Days of Our Lives episode.

Born Free
Born Free
5 years ago
Reply to  Gonegirl

GOOD GRIEF! How did that get resolved?

Out West
Out West
5 years ago
Reply to  Gonegirl

Gone girl

Mine did similar shit. My forensic accountant and lawyer said they had never seen such a twisted mess of barely legal shenanigans. The craziness.

Gonegirl
Gonegirl
5 years ago
Reply to  Out West

I would be scared TO. DEATH. To do some of the shady stuff my ex and his family has done. I don’t know how they continue to get by with it, I would be under the jail.

chutesandladders
chutesandladders
5 years ago

A lot of what I don’t know I am certain I will never know. He was all about SECRETS. He got off on it. He is an expert at lying by omission.

I didn’t know he didn’t love me, but in the end, I knew without a doubt that he had hated me all along.

I didn’t know how cheap he was until after we were married. Then I learned he was abusively cheap with his money, his time, his affection, his kindness. His ability to blankly stare at me while I was sobbing and begging for him to tell me the truth is something that still sends shivers up my spine.

I didn’t know he couldn’t share a true feeling, because he was too focused on his persona instead of being an honest person.

I didn’t know about his secret bank accounts.

I didn’t know about his addiction to misogynistic web sites and penchant for porn, both gay and straight. Mostly, he got off on the dehumanization and degrading of women.

I didn’t know his plan was to abandon me and his kids all along. He waited until his parents died, then took off with his skank, leaving me holding an empty bag.

I didn’t know how vindictive he was until I stood up to him. It’s been five years since our divorce, and he still gets off being a petty dick about honoring even the smallest details of our divorce agreement.

Now I know.

Leavealyingloser
Leavealyingloser
5 years ago

I feel my x hated me all along as well. And i always thought we were so in love..because that is what he told me.
But really he despised me. That blank evil stare said it all.
They are monsters.

newdaydawning
newdaydawning
5 years ago

I didn’t know he didn’t love me, but in the end, I knew without a doubt that he had hated me all along.
THIS!!!!

Lioness chump
Lioness chump
5 years ago
Reply to  newdaydawning

Yep. THIS..

What I found out after 20years married…

I didn’t know he had started messing around with other women a year into our marriage…a serial cheater for 20 plus yrs…
I didn’t know that he was with other women throughout our marriage and even when we were in hospitals re IVF and the my pregnancies..
I didn’t know he never stopped lying..
I didn’t know he had a porn habit…
I didn’t know he had been on sex sites and meeting people “working late”…
I didn’t know he had secret email accounts with over 500 emails…( But he claimed he never ever met anyone….oh em oh…” Just once but we didn’t do anything” yeah right!
)
I didn’t know he had been buying Viagra…
I didn’t know he had a false Facebook account…in the name of a serial cheater….french machellivan character in “dangerous liasions” film
I didn’t know he was on tinder and other dating websites…
I didn’t know during the year of wreckconcilation and me merrily pick me dancing…that he was still involved with his 26yr old co worker..
I didn’t know that during that same time he was telling his AP ” we have agreed to separate and no longer staying together” ……. So she told me when I phoned her….apparently he told her all the intimacy with her was ok because the marriage was over…
And I didn’t know “we” were separating!!!
I didn’t know during that time that he was buying her jewellery and personalising it in our garage with our children’s metal craft letters.
I didn’t know that all through our marriage ….he was not who I thought he was…

I didn’t know had married a manipulative compulsive duplicitous liar.

I now know I was never ever loved..

I now know I was just used…

I now know that throughout my whole marriage my gut instinct of never feeling ” enough” was right.

I now know to trust my gut….

I now know that those moments when I felt that chill of those ” blank shark eyes” where when the soul of that man was being revealed to me…

I now know that despite it all……I am happy to be “me”….Kind hearted loving honest and loyal….because I would never ever want to be him…..he may have had fun and games playing psychological games with me for years……..and “turning tricks”……but me….I like me and I am proud to stand tall and say – you never crushed my soul….I have lovely friends and family who have supported me through all of these last few turbulent years….and I have felt so loved and supported by them….

I know I ” will and have survived” the narcissist……

I know that finally without that fuckwit exhausting me emotionally and mentally for over 20years ……I am back to the “old”me.

And it feels good…

Lioness chump
Lioness chump
5 years ago
Reply to  Lioness chump

I also know that when we were intimate… I felt that I was being “fucked” …yep that’s what i began to feel was happening…..

.He was not “making love” with any real intimacy – emotional or soul …he was just ” fucking me…” It was just “sex” to him…..and I was just another supply. I could have been a hooker for all the love / connection he showed……I could have been anyone….

So sorry for the brutal words …but years of feeling ” used” in this respect were in fact the truth…

He had no heart and no soul and in this expression of “love”….. He was mechanical and “soul less”….Now I know at times why I sometimes cried into my pillow afterwards……he stupidly thought I was orgasmic ….. Me…I felt so overwhelmed with emptiness and so unloved….and just so unbelievably sad…..

Wife appliance anyone?

Did anyone else experience this lack of intimacy./ Love ……..just sex……or was it just me who got the soulless psychopath?

I know that when we were lying in bed together talking about being “soulmates” it was all a bunch of lies…..

I know when we were talking about not having had many sexual experience s before marriage….and agreeing “it was ok” because we had eachother now…..we were soulmates…….it was all lies from him……..
He had been off for years behind my back with so many women …returning home ….and telling me , his ” soulmate” , we had eachother…..

I feel sick writing this….the deception was just so horrendous….. And I fell for the lines of this narcissist ….asperger…..psychopath……whilst I supported and loved him unconditionally for 25years…..

HELP! How can I have been so unbelievably stupid?

Whodoesthat
Whodoesthat
5 years ago
Reply to  Lioness chump

Yes the ‘act ‘ he stone cold described after 25 years of me feeling inexplicably ‘fucked’ he told me was ‘just a biological release ‘ that told me everything i needed to know and why i had always felt empty and used afterwards. What a hero

Free Vix
Free Vix
5 years ago

I didn’t know that I was his ex. We did briefly separate when I became pregnant and he flipped his lid, but about 2 months later he came back and wanted to “be a family.” We reconciled our (then) 7-year relationship, had our son, and went on with our life together for the next two years. After D-day I discovered that I had actually been his ex, he just simply forgot to tell me. Or his family. Or stop sleeping with me. Or get married to me.

NoMoreEvil
NoMoreEvil
5 years ago
Reply to  Free Vix

That’s crazy, Free Vix! In my case, I was the wife, but he was treating me like the OW, by trying to hide that he was back with me (at the time) from his ex-gf OW.

Mehphista
Mehphista
5 years ago

Asking me if we could ‘lend’ some $$ to Downgrade’s Brother because he had ‘totaled his car’. About a paycheck.

I said No, but next day $5000 is missing. Dday was a week or so later. Turns out ‘totaled his car’ means ‘needs $ for bail and for Mr Fab to buy his remaining cocaine stash’. Who knew? The Downgrade….

They suck. To the core. Trust that.

Five years later I have nothing to do with these people nor does Kiddo, really. The college fund has been snorted, ditto the equity from our house. I used my share to get outta Dodge and get Kiddo the help she needed.

Would it be nice to be back in a spot where I COULD lend $5k to a pal in need? You betcha. But it is even nicer to be a continent away from these people….and there is no point dwelling on the fact they have sewers where their souls ought to be- there is no bottom-the shit just gets thicker.

Love to all Chump Nation.

Tempest
Tempest
5 years ago
Reply to  Mehphista

“there is no bottom”

Exactly, Mehphista. Our Xs need that on a t-shirt (or a tattoo across their forehead).