Amazon Chump sent in a doozy:
My ex’s OW sent me the below email when he decided to stay married to me after I filed for divorce. Stupidly I believed him. He started fooling around with her again within a couple of years. I didn’t waste any time the second time around. I divorced his adulterous ass. Now he’s with his skank. I’d love the UBT to work on this:
Your wish is the UBT’s command, Amazon Chump!
My therapist thought it might be helpful for you to have this information.
Harassing you was my therapist’s idea. Really!
I’m not a condescending twat waffle — I’m helpful!
I have really wanted to reach out to you many times in the past, but I just wasn’t sure how and what to say.
The UBT suggests “I’m fucking your husband” is a nice ice breaker.
Let me first say that I apologize for what you have been through and are still going through.
I’m so sorry for that nebulous Thing you are Going Through. Of which I have no pronouns or active verbs. Sometimes Things just engulf us, like sarin gas. Or fall from the sky like anvils. Who knows why? It’s one of God’s little mysteries. I don’t know what you did to piss off God, but I’m sorry for you.
You have a lot of life ahead of you and my sincere wish is that you find a true healthy relationship.
Stay away from my man!
You didn’t have a True, Healthy Relationship with him, like I do! Sneaking around for 11 years, fucking in cheap hotels, waiting for the one glorious day
you would divorce his ass he would leave his wife for me.
I firmly believe that God has a plan for each of us and the best awaits if we just trust Him.
My affair was just part of God’s plan. I trusted in God, waited for years, and got your husband! See what happens if you just trust in God?
Although we have been house-hunting and planning for the future (living together, cruise/trips, one truck, not two, etc.),
Nyah nyah! GOT YOUR HUSBAND!
Am I gloating? Hey, I’m the picture of modesty. I only have ONE truck. That I share with your husband… to have romantic adventures and house hunt with.
Dave and I spoke last week of his need to ‘ease his conscious’ and ‘anxiety’ by making an attempt to assess your relationship without having me as a best friend/confidant.
I keep him on a very short leash. I’d tether him to a bedpost if I could. The way best friends do.
I respect this but my concern is really for you.
I’m concerned you’ll win the turd back.
In order for you to have a healthy relationship you first must have a truthful relationship.
He only lies to you. Never to me! Too bad you can’t have a healthy relationship like I do.
You asked me before for information which I declined to provide, but I believe for you to move forward in the relationship, address the issues, you have to have full disclosure.
Please be the hypotenuse in my triangle! Don’t you want information that only I can give? Can’t you just beg pretty for it, so I can deny you and say it’s for your own good? KIBBLES!
Otherwise you are doomed to continue the life you had which you have acknowledged was unhealthy and unhappy for over 26 years.
DOOMED! If I don’t get some kibbles, shit’s about to get VERY ugly.
I don’t know if you both can overcome the past as sometimes there is too much to get beyond and rebuilding trust is very difficult if it can be done.
But I do know for certain that you will never be able to overcome the past if you don’t address it and in order to do that you need to have full disclosure which Dave will not provide.
You need us.
We’re all about honesty and full disclosure, except for Dave. Who won’t provide you with any details. But you should work harder to trust him. Or you’re doomed.
You also need a third party to help you with this so I hope you will continue with your therapist or a couples therapist.
You’re batshit crazy. I hope you work on that.
I’d rather not go into a lot of details in an Email
I try to avoid anything like legal documentation. I prefer in person mindfuckery.
but am available to meet with you in person in a neutral setting or even in the safety of a counseling session if you are willing to do so. I am not proud of my participation but suffice it to say that for over 11 years of your 26-year marriage, there has been a daily intense emotional and physical relationship between he and I that has included many out of state/in state trips (including M****, camping with the girls, MN, NC, TX, OK, AZ, CO, CA), countless meetings in homes, offices, public places, shared workouts/walks, gift exchanges, thousands of phone calls, Emails, there’s nothing we didn’t discuss and many, many lies and deception to you.
I’m not proud of those 11 years of shared workouts, gift exchanges, phone calls, emails, and surreptitiously fucking your husband. When I was roasting marshmellows with your girls around a campfire, I thought, “Gosh, Amazon Chump should be here to see the precious memories I’m making with her children.”
That daily intense emotional and physical relationship with your husband is something I regret. Daily. 24/7. Yes, I’m free next Wednesday, Dave!
I left off Rhode Island, foot massages, and putt-putt golf.
You may not believe me, but I have always regretted and will live with it until I die how you were made to doubt your own self-worth! You’ve been second guessing yourself and said in an Email that you’ve “been played for a fool”. And I know this because I have been made to feel the same way!
I’m a victim too! ME! In fact, my pain is greater than your pain. The regrets I’m burdened with… they’ll haunt me until the day I die. Just the other day, when I was house shopping — with your husband — I felt a twinge of sorrow. I had to lie down. And fuck your husband. It passed.
I was applauding you for taking charge of your life, seeking counseling, filing for divorce and recognizing the woman you can be!
I WIN! I WIN THE TURD! HE’S ALL MINE!
You have to decide what kind of individual you want a lifetime relationship with and I know you have not always held males in high regard
You’re a hairy-legged, man-hating lezbo, aren’t you? That’s why you can’t keep your husband satisfied. Maybe you should consider dating women, seeing as you hate men. Just a friendly suggestion!
but I hope you know that you don’t have to settle for anything—what you’ve endured is not normal and not what you or any woman deserves.
I am not normal. I settle for side-dish fucks. I don’t deserve better. Let me cloak those difficult thoughts in heavy spackle and projection.
Of course you could choose to disregard this Email, act as if all of this is in the past and just move on together, but then you will continue to live the same life you have had for 26 years and the odds are great that the same patterns will continue.
I’m not going anywhere, bitch.
Talk with your therapist about this—what do you need to move on and how to move on for you, and/or for you and Dave as a couple.
I saw a therapist when we were ending a 32 year marriage and one of the hardest things I had to get through my head was the idealization of a relationship that just wasn’t.
UBT: Apparently, it never got through your head as you’ve spent 11 years as a side dish fuck. Excuse me, confidante/best friend.
The therapist even got frustrated with me
I’m sure she’s not the only one.
because I kept saying, “well, if we could go back”, “if he would just do this”, “if I would do that”, etc. What I had to learn was that the relationship I had thought we could have was just not possible because that is not who he and I were together. My regret is that F* and I did not end amicably.
It’s shocking that F wasn’t amiable about me screwing other men. I regret his unreasonable animosity.
Should you want to discuss more I will respond to you. Should you not want to discuss further I will not ask again. Either way, I hope you accept this Email as it is intended.
I hope it fucks with your head. I hope you think of me always and forever. When you’re shaving your legs — Twat waffle! When you’re standing in line at the DMV — Twat waffle! When you’re filling your taxes — Twat waffle!
Please accept my desire to be utterly central. Kibbles!
I told you when you visited my office that I was speaking from my caring about you, a fellow human being.
A fellow human being, but a lesser one. I care about man-hating, batshit crazy lezbos. I speak with kindness to all of God’s inferior creatures.
I wish you the best whether you are able to work through the issues and come out as a stronger couple, or if you amicably decide otherwise.
Keep it amiable! I’d hate for you to come after me with a gun.
Take care of yourself,
Fuck off and die.
Satan’s Affectionate Bitch
Shits After Belching
Sweet Ass Bandit
This column ran previously. I’m still somewhere flying over the Pacific.
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