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UBT: Thanks to your book, my husband wants to leave me

Dear Chump Lady,

Please come take care of my child. I cheated. We were really trying to save our marriage. Then my husband read your book (Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life).

It looks like you are such an expert on how, why I did it. Or how I feel after. So he gave me your book. I read it and I threw up about how venomous and toxic your writing is. I am sorry you were cheated. Well, great job! Now you may gloat! There are other chumps like you reading your book and leaving spouses. Congratulations! You are such a guru!

Please come to Bucharest to take care of my 8-year-old while my husband is out with his friends and considers leaving me for good and I am here not being able to take care of my child. Because he gave me your precious book. You are a very bitter and self-righteous woman. Good luck living your precious life! It is a lie, even like this. Just pretend. You’re are not healed. You just play a very nice role and wear a mask.

Diane

Dear Diane,

I’m sorry your 8-year-old is caught up in this drama, stuck at home with a mother who can’t parent because… sentences. A child whose parents’ marriage may end thanks to my ability to snark and draw unicorns. Who knew my book had such a global reach that it could destroy marriages and ruin lives? Whatever shall I concentrate my guru superpowers on next? Laying waste to Tokyo?

It must really suck to feel so powerless, Diane. To have done something terrible, that you deeply regret, and not be able to take it back. That’s an awful place to be. But no one owes you reconciliation. You gambled your husband and your child’s intact family when you fucked around, Diane. They didn’t get a vote on your fucking around. They didn’t choose to have their lives blown up. They only get to choose how they’re going to react to this new set of circumstances — and you don’t control that. How terrifying for you — the threat of consequences.

Heads must roll! So look around to someone whose fault this is. Oh hey, must be me here, 5,000 miles away across the ocean. A venomous author pointing out the obvious to chumps everywhere — they don’t have to take it. Did that message of agency register with your husband, Diane?

Perhaps he could use some more clarity, so I put your letter through the Universal Bullshit Translator.

Please come take care of my child. I cheated.

Mindfuck set to Self-Pity and Rage. Threat level: RECONCILE or the child gets HURT!

We were really trying to save our marriage. Then my husband read your book.

Damn husbands and their literacy.

We were really trying to save our marriage. Then my husband realized “our marriage” wasn’t the problem. My screwing other men was.

It looks like you are such an expert on how, why I did it. Or how I feel after.

I know why I did it. I wanted to. Damn you for pointing that out.

So he gave me your book. I read it and I threw up about how venomous and toxic your writing is.

Unlike my cheating, which is lemony fresh.

I am sorry you were cheated. Well, great job! Now you may gloat!

(UBT emits evil laughter MOOHAHAHAHHAAA.)

There are other chumps like you reading your book and leaving spouses.

Cheaters don’t make chumps leave marriages, books do. I’m sorry a chump wrote a book about being chumped. Infidelity books must save marriages and blame cheating on unmet needs, pollen allergies, and leprechauns. How did a book blaming cheating on cheaters reach Bucharest? We must stop this at once, demand international sanctions, a naval blockade, and an air drop of Esther Perel essays.

Congratulations! You are such a guru!

My husband has fallen sway to a cult-like figure. His thoughts of divorce couldn’t possibly be… lucidity.

Please come to Bucharest to take care of my 8-year-old while my husband is out with his friends and considers leaving me for good and I am here not being able to take care of my child. Because he gave me your precious book.

My husband is out with his friends and I am stuck with childcare. This is unjust. I go out with my “friends” and HE does childcare. What madness is this? I cannot possibly be expected to take care of an 8-year-old. I shouldn’t be left alone with houseplants or even nail clippers. Who inflicted this CHILD on me?

I know! I’ll find an author in a faraway land to take care of my child. She’s toxic and self-righteous — the perfect company for a third grader! She’s probably great with glitter glue too! #MaryPoppinsBitch

You are a very bitter and self-righteous woman. Good luck living your precious life! It is a lie, even like this. Just pretend. You’re are not healed.

I am very threatened that you are healed. Who are these people who leave cheaters and gain lives? And worse, encourage others to leave cheaters and gain lives? It must be a lie. No one could possibly be happier without a cheater.

You just play a very nice role and wear a mask.

I fuck another man, come home to my husband, lie to his face and say, “Balázs is just a FRIEND. What? You don’t want me to have FRIENDS?” Innocent wife. It is a Very Nice Role. Husband very stupid and trusting. He look at me, he say, “You smell like goulash.” I wear Innocent Wife mask. “I only make goulash for you, Victor.”

THEN Victor reads toxic, venomous book by American bitch! He leaves me for his FRIENDS, alone with 8-year-old puşti. He says, “What? You don’t want me to have FRIENDS?”

****

My work here is done. MOOHAHAHHAHHAAHHA! Dracu ‘off, Diane.

****

Every time you support Chump Nation on Patreon, the UBT gets its gearshift polished.

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • (Actually, I have a lady friend who had a run-in with a dastardly man called Balázs. I love that you chose his name as the Bad Example.)

    Diane, please go to the US and look after Tracy’s son. Oh, hang on. She already did that. For years, on her own, and then with a perennial cheater, who she had to divorce after multiple D-Days, and harassment, and bullying, and threats of violence from him.

    You chose to cheat. There are consequences. Accept them, and join the adult world.

    Tracy, I am in awe of your international superpowers. Definitely laying waste to Tokyo next.

    • I will take care of her child!

      Because while my cheater then-husband was gone from the house “working late”, I had no problem raising the kids by myself. Actually, I was so good at it that my kids never realized how much their father was absent. And when the cheater left me and filed for divorce to be with the OW, I remained the best parent ever. My children are strong, caring, loving and successful.

      So, knowing how to be a sane and loving parent, I would rather help your husband raise your daughter then leave her with an uncaring, cold-hearted woman like Diane.

      Diane, if your reading this, you need to know that behind the snark and curse words, Chump Nation is filled with good people whose hearts have been crushed by people like you!

      We are the ones who understand what it’s like not to be loved for who we are – just like the pitiful love you don’t even show for your own daughter. We are the ones who step up to the plate and clean up the crap people like you leave in their wake. Things like CHILDREN, credit, homes, ailing and aging family members. Make fun of the snarky tone all you want. Chumps are the ones who live with full hearts and show up!

      Diane’s husband – if you’re out there reading this, contact Chump Lady and she can put you in touch with me. I will help you raise your child. Truth is though, you probably don’t need that help because you’ve probably been parenting alone for a very long time.

      • absofuckinglutely! You have held the child hostage long enough. If you wanna get some strange, go do that and leave your innocent child out of it. At least he’ll have one good parent.

  • Well Diane, none of us give a flying rats ass. It is so much easier to blame a book for your husband seeing you for who you really are. How dare he go out and have fun. That is for you to do. And to think if it were not for the book. You could still have your cake and eat it to. Cheaters sure do read from the same script.

  • This! I am Romanian and live in Bucharest. I was chumped. I am a divorced single mom for two small kids and Chump Lady and Chump Nation saved my life. Literally. I have gained a spine and a life in the process. Thank you ChumLady for changing the narrative even for an ultraconservative, PTSD affected population like the Romanians are. Thumbs up!

      • Chumps in Romania. Bucharest and Budapest are oftenly mistaken, no harm done here. The real harm is done by the irresponsible, entitled, fuck-face cheaters who think that screwing people behind the backs of their innocent spouses is OK, everybody should understand, be friends and positive. And “Fuck off, Diane” is “Du-te dracului, Diane!”. Keep it up, ChumpLady! Unfortunately it’s full of Dianes out there but thanks to you I have sure learned how to stay as safe as possible from them.

          • We have whole encyclopedias of more creative curses than that in Romanian: cosmic (fucking the sun, or other stars under which the curse’s target is born), genetic (fucking the target’s mothers ancestors is a perennial favorite), zoological (think horses and, well, fucking, again), merely utilitarian (one co-worker had a beautiful expression involving blow jobs and jackhammers), or ontological (sending the target back to their mother’s cunt and, implicitly, womb, is a classic). They come in really handy when expressing the righteous anger of chumpitude.

        • Wouldn’t the Romanian version be givechy, ( please forgive the spelling) a special Romanian stew?

          • Ghiveci, yes. But traditionally the Romanians also eat: mamaliga (polenta), mici (grilled skinless sausages) and sarmale (minced meat stuffed sour cabage rolles). 😊

            • Unchumping,
              I’m going to Romania in 2020 for a conference and among the bidders for hosting this conference were also France, Cuba and Mexico. But Romania won the bid to host by far because the organizers had the presence of spirit to show how much less beer and wine cost there, plus good food, inexpensive to get there and the scientific tradition in the field (there is a famous parasite named after a Romanian scientist and now we at CN have Diane as another famous parasite). And now I know how to curse in Romanian.

              • ClearWaters, let’s keep in touch. Is your conference in Bucharest? I will raise a glass tonight for Tracy, this blog and its power to bring us chumps together!

        • Okay, but you’ve got to give me some creative license. Not many readers are familiar with Romanian food, or Eastern European food, period. I can make a cabbage joke or I can make a goulash joke.

          • Or better, you can come to Romania someday and we will run you a course on Romanian food, cooking and cursing. We also have good wines and beer to complement all the food and cursing.

              • Deal! I am dead serious about this invitation. Just say when and I will make sure to meet you up and show you and Mr. CL a great time here.

              • Chump in Krakow here!! We also have very tasty cabbage and goulash, if you’d like to stop by on your way to Bucharest 😉

              • Ok ok Mrs and Mr CL. On this grand tour you must come to Saskatchewan. We’ve got ‘em all! From Albania to Zimbabwe. Cabbage is best paired with profanity in Saskatchewan. ❤️❤️❤️
                Love you fuckers! This place is bomb AF!!!

            • Ooh, I sense a Chump world culinary tour! (Polish heritage here, and my mother cooked both goulash and cabbage. Count me in.)

        • It is my understanding from a multi-lingual acquaintance from Bombay that Urdu is one of the richest languages for profanity and for doing some very specific cursing.

          • Urdu and Sanskrit. More of sanskrit in Hindi but yes, the expletives are shakesperean level I think, in curseology.

  • Mwahaha. Schornzilla. Also, “I only make Goulash for you, Victor”. Is this the Romanian version of The Young and the Restless. Which, according to the UGT (Universal Google Translate) is ‘Tanar si Nelinistit’.

    • Wowie wowie wow wow! This is one of the best letters yet! She cheats, he figures it out, is pissed, comes to a realization that he doesn’t have to take that kind of disrespect but it’s YOUR fault! She basically verified everything in your book. And boo hoo! Who was taking care of your kid while you were out fucking around? SHE did this – not the Chump Lady, not him, not the kid – YOU did, Diane. Own it. You were big enough to fuck around on your husband, not giving 2 shits about your kid. Now it’s a problem because you got caught? It’s called consequences, asshole. Deal with it!

      • Typical of a cheater Ms Bucharest falls right in line with the rest of the cheaters: blames anyone but herself. Why do these low lifes think that they can fuck around and there will be no consequences? Good for her husband. He deserves better and so does their child.

    • Chump Nation…
      Bravo Chump Nation!

      Thank you for calling out cheaters for what they really are.
      Thank you for sharing the pain that the lies cause.

      Sometimes anger and pain are the only things that makes sense.

      It’s supposed to hurt.

      Esther Perel can go to hell!

    • “UBT emits evil laughter MOOHAHAHAHHAAA”

      -Coffee Snort all over my computer screen!

      Pure comedy gold Tracy-Thanks!

  • “Threat level: RECONCILE or the child gets HURT!”
    Classic “It’s not Diane’s shit that’s the problem. It’s Victor’s reaction to Diane’s shit that’s the problem.”

    Tracy this letter has to go in your book. Maybe you could include one of those buttons from kids’ toy books at the back cover that emits “mooohahahahaaaa” if a cheater picks it up and throws it against the wall.

    • Sensors indicate loss of control!
      The ship is on a collision course with Consequences, Captain!
      Need. More. Power!!!
      Activate Meltdown Mode!
      Arm the torpedoes with Sad Sausage, Blame-Shifting and Smear Campaign!
      Commence with THE CHILD GUILT TRIP boosters…

      It really sucks for cheaters, in the aftermath of the D-Day, when chumps start considering their own options/choices and making unilateral decisions… (It’s so much better when chumps stay malleable and don’t read “evil” books that encourage them to think about themselves!!) The Dianes of the world shudder when they realize they aren’t the center of the universe.

      Personally, I think Tracy’s book is an excellent parting gift! And seriously, Diane – you can’t take care of your child?! And do you really believe that just because your husband read a book is the sole reason he is now uncertain whether he wants to take a gamble on trying to salvage a marriage with someone who betrayed his trust? There is no “undoing” what you did (cheating) and words aren’t worth any more than the paper than they are written on. Just saying “I’m sorry” and “I’ll change” sometimes aren’t enough to fix the damage caused by your actions. No, we don’t know your personal circumstances, but something in Tracy’s book must have struck a chord with your husband. Otherwise he wouldn’t have given it to you.

  • Frankly dear Diane, we don’t give a shit!

    You are free to be with your lover now. Doesn’t that excite you? no?

    I’d watch that eight year old around you though. You sound as if you resent her.

    I absolutely hate cheaters! the more I read about them the more they disgust me as I realize that their mind-set poisons everything.

  • This is some meta-blame-shifting. She blames the boom, but then she doesn’t address any of the arguments in your book.

    Not. A. Single. One.

    • “Book,” not “boom”!

      But given the insanity of this, “boom” would fit. Substitute ANY word for “book,” except “her cheating,” and it makes the same amount of sense.

    • After reading this dumpster fire that passes for a letter, I hope Diane’s husband runs for the fucking hills. This woman has the emotional depth of cardboard.

  • You poor thing, Diane. I’m sorry that you tripped and your vagina fell into someone’s dick. Did Tracy push you all the way from DC?

  • Dear Tracy,
    Your Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life book is disrupting our chump manipulations and exploitation, and introducing cheater consequences everywhere. How do you sleep at night? Don’t you value marriage and children as highly as we do?
    Concerned,
    Cheaters of the world

  • If it weren’t for you, Venomous Bitter Chump, I could have continued to lie and con my husband ahem I mean Save Our Marriage.

    Look what you did!!! Making our child grow up in a broken home. Cough (I cheated)but that has nothing to do with ANYTHING. You totally don’t know that I absolutely LOVED cheating ahem I mean it’s all your fault and your precious self-righteous very nice mask!!! Damn you, you and your book ruined everything. #consequenceanaphylaxis

    Tracy I love you. You crack me up. This is the BEST.

  • When I refused to reconcile all I got from the Twat was “how could you do this to ME”? I guess irony is lost on him.

    • Yeah, living with the consequences of your actions is such a bitch. I also refused the “golden opportunity” of wreckonciliation.

      Cheater x plaintively wailed “I don’t want a divorce”. At that time I was too grief-stricken to come up with a snarky reply. Now, I would say “sticking your dick into women who are not your wife pretty much guarantees divorce is in your immediate future”. Stupid fucker.

      • Haha AllGood, sounds similar to mine:
        Cheater X claimed I’d gone behind his back by filing for divorce – and complained that I did that without talking to him first!
        Cheater X had multiple sexual partners and made over 250 sex tapes of his exploits. Behind my back. But this point seems totally oblivious to him.
        Cheater X claimed he had always been ‘loyal and committed to this relationship’.
        Cheater X claimed he’d put every last penny he had into this family.
        Cheater X has a £400+ a month hooker habit.
        Cheater X = stupid fucker.

  • The last sentence in a cheater’s narrative about anything is ALWAYS about how they are the victim—Never about learning a lesson or taking responsibility or foreseeable consequences.

    For this reason, Diane’s letter reminds me of how my cheating ex-wife told our sons that I broke the marriage by being the household kill-joy, and gave up on the marriage by filing for divorce. Can’t control the lies they tell and the truths they won’t see. All you can do is walk away from the problem and gain a life.

      • I did too, sunflower36! If I mentioned that it might be challenging to clear a 3000sf house rental, then move myself across country on a shoestring budget with two kids and no family to help, I was “ being a victim” and he “was not the bad guy”. Don’t you love how it always gets flipped back to them? My therapist said it was because there can only be one victim, so it had to be him. Zero empathy- gah!

      • Wife cheated on me with a co-worker and then a meth head in rehab, punched me in the face, degraded everything about me (think the whole gambit from my job to my penis size–a wide swath) to my face in a psychotic weekend of rage, and peed on me while I slept.

        But, just last week, she blamed me for the divorce saying it “is a consequence of my choice” and that “the children and I suffer because you want freedom.” This was in response to me saying that her choices have consequences now.

        Poor sad sausage. Still getting a divorce. Here’s a tissue to dry that tear.

        • Wow. Just wow. Peed on you while you slept?!!! I keep thinking I’ve heard it all, but that’s some epic blame-shifting. Glad you are on your way to freedom and know your worth. I’m sorry that happened to you.

        • Cheating aside, she sounds incredibly abusive, and you should not be accepting one second of that behavior. Also adults who aren’t house broken are a deal breaker (exempting something like extreme age or an illness/disability). Go for as much custody as possible, don’t let your kids just stay with such an abusive woman. She’ll turn her rage on the kids if she hasn’t already when you aren’t around.

    • My cheater indignantly told me, “I decided to stay…you’re the one who told me to move out so you broke up the family” (after find out he was a serial cheater for 25+ years)

  • Maybe after the divorce I’ll give my stbxw a copy of CL’s book. I’ll have to buy another copy though, gotta’ keep mine of course. It can be the last thing I buy her (other than the small, but sweet anniversary gift during my pick me dancing; and health insurance while we remain married …).

    God, Diane sucks. Some combination of CL’s blog, friends, and my therapist gave me the confidence to set boundaries according to my values (like monagomy) and ask my stbxw to leave. I want my life back. Thank you CL (and the UBT, love it!).

    • Good for you, Yesshesucks! And good luck! Romanian chumps have your back. 😉👍

    • We should have a Friday challenge that has us list who we’ve given chump lady’s book to. I’m sure most of us have bought extra copies and passed them along…

      • I pass out flyers/photocopies of the front and back covers of Tracy’s book, with the website highlighted !

  • Pay no attention to the Balázs behind the curtain!

    I am sure that each cheater believes themselves to be special unique snowflakes hence her horror at seeing herself in the mirror of the book.

  • What is really sad is that if this woman would focus on her own sins, work herself out by straightening out her moral compass and humble herself in showing true remorse, she would likely be able to save her marriage, if that is in fact what she wants for herself and her child.

    Instead, she’s shifting the blame to a stranger 1000s of miles away. Blaming a book for why her husband has now distanced himself from her. Resentful that he’s doling out a teaspoon of her own medicine, likely because she’s done nothing at home that makes him believe that she’s remotely sorry for the damage she inflicted on her family.

    Diane – Perhaps, you need to re-read the parts of the book about what it really takes for a cheater to make amends for what they have done. Use that as a starting point to work yourself out in an authentic manner. Humble yourself. Get help for yourself. Show real remorse. Work on being a good mom who appreciates her child. Meet the needs of the people around you so that it’s not all about you. Do it because it’s the right thing that a good person must do, not because you want what you want. Your husband doesn’t owe you a damn thing after you chose to become a cheater. Grow up!

  • I’m SO happy that chump husband has your book Tracey!
    MORE POWER TO HIM.

    Clearly HE knew how to care for the 8 year old while cheating wife was spruking her “wares”.

    How sorry do we feel for the poor cheater having to sit at home and care for her own child? Correct me, she admits SHE CAN’T!

    What next. A cheater blaming YOU for the Discovery Day fallout.
    Mooohahahahahahaha!

    I bet she doesn’t have a job either.
    Bye bye gravy train.

    May Chump Nation grow in mightiness exponentially.
    Love you Tracey.

  • Wow, I learn new words every day reading Tracy’s blog. Today it was Hungarian:
    Nyasgem! – Fuck off!; Get lost!
    Never know when it will come in handy.

      • I love the fact that your book is way over there. And in Australia. And in New Zealand. And in France. And so on. I hope it gets to the top of every best seller list on the planet and stays there forever.

        • And who would have guessed that a book which hasn’t even been translated would have such a worldwide influence?
          Strange that Tracy doesn’t have her own TV show yet, hasn’t been interviewed on multiple prime time shows and platforms, no TED talk yet… Too many cheaters in charge, I suspect.

          This is a genuine word of mouth success. Hilarious column today, CL. Diane is even worse than KK.

          • Yes – I’m on my second copy of the book as I gave my first one to another chump in need. I got away from my cheater (who denies and deflects like a pro) and I am happy now. He has done a few things that will terribly impact my life for revenge, but now I am living far away and will deal with the fall out when it comes.

            Thanks to chump nation from a chump in Kiwiland, I will survive!

    • Actually nyasgem is a juvenile slang way of shortening nyald ki a seggem, which literally translates to lick my ass. Native Hungarian here.

  • I don’t know which of our male chump friends is married to this mess of entitlement but here’s to you, wherever you are.

    I’m standing on my coffee table giving you a standing ovation.

    Viva La Revolution!

  • Cheaters get their just desserts when chumps enforce consequences, buuuut… a million years ago when I was 19 I was raped by a man I thought was my friend. My boyfriend at the time was furious with me for “cheating”. I bought into his narrative and apologized and did everything he asked to atone for my “sin”. It took me 15 years before I realized how messed up his reaction was.

    Maybe I’m just too willing to give the benefit of the doubt. This Diane says she cheated. Maybe she deserves all she’s getting now, but many, many rape victims blame themselves like I did. I usually enjoy a good cheater bashing as much as the next chump, but something about this letter gives me a bad taste in my mouth.

    • I’m very sorry about happened to you when you were young, swede-chump. You were a victim, and I wish you continued strength on your journey of reclaiming your power. But this woman who wrote this letter does not sound like a victim in any way shape or form. She sounds incredibly entitled and remorseless. What leaves a bad taste in my mouth here is the resentful tone she uses speaking of her child.

    • I’m not saying that you’re wrong, but I am wondering what from Diane’s tone is suggesting that this is a possibility?

    • Swede-Chump, I’m sorry this happened to you. I unfortunately know what it’s like to undergo a trauma and live with the wrong framing of it for over a decade. I hope you’ve made peace with it; I’m still trying. Regardless of what Diane actually did or didn’t do, it’s to your credit that you used your experience to have more empathy for others.

  • “Please come to Bucharest to take care of my 8-year-old while my husband is out with his friends and considers leaving me for good and I am here not being able to take care of my child. ” What the actual fuck is up with this sentence? Why can’t you take care of your child, Diane? Seriously, I’m not sure I’m following. Are you saying you’re so upset that your husband might divorce your cheating ass that you can’t take care of your child? WTF woman, how do you think he felt? Probably like the rest of us chumps: gutted, shattered, paralyzed with dysfunction, from YOUR betrayal. YOU caused this, Diane, take some fucking responsibility. But you won’t! You’re just going to keep blaming everyone and everything but yourself. And what about your child? Are you seriously going to blame a FUCKING BOOK for YOUR FAILURE to care for YOUR CHILD? Not to put too fine a point on it, but you sound like you’re as shitty a mother as you are a wife

    I was going to ask you if this letter is real Tracy. But it is, isn’t it. These fucking people are EVERYWHERE

      • Yikes you edited and punctuated? It’s still a fucking mess lol. Rage typing!

        • Here’s the original (I’m leaving off her email)

          Website:

          Comment: Dear Chump Lady,
          Please come take care of my child.I cheated.We were really trying to save our marriage.Then my husband read your book.It looks like you are such an expert on how,why I did it.Or how I feel after.So he gave me your book.I read it and I threw up about how venomous and toxic your writibg is.I am sorry you were cheated.Well,great job!Now you may gloat!There are other chumps.like you reading your book and leaving your spouses.Congratulations!You are such a guru!Please come to Bucharest to take care of my 8 year old while my husband is out with his friends and considers leaving me for good and I am here not being able to take care of my child.Because he gave me your precious book.You are a very bitter and self righteous woman.Good luck living your precious life!It is a lie,even like this.Just pretend.Your are not healed.You just play a very nice role and wear a mask.

          Time: May 5, 2018 at 12:36 pm
          IP Address: 213.233.108.70
          Contact Form URL: https://www.chumplady.com/contact/
          Sent by an unverified visitor to your site.

          • The Chump is getting some heat for abandoning the kid to this terrible mother, but it’s possible he married a woman with a child from a previous relationship. Maybe it was just poorly written, but I notice she says she is taking care of “my child” while “my husband” is out with friends. Not “our child”. A good guy would make sure that a kid didn’t starve, but if she was using his affection as a weapon (you can’t see the kid unless you come back, give me money, let me keep the house…) he might have to go no contact to get free, hope to resume a relationship when the child was older. Maybe offer some support on the down-low so he knows the child is getting the benefit from it.

            Or maybe she is just a crazy narc and people are possessions to her.

            It’s also possible that he got a surprise results from a paternity test.

            Too much crazy to untangle today.

    • I read it as “how dare you deprive me of my Husband-appliance! Who will do the childcare now – me? I demand you supply me with another house-servant since you’ve so rudely helped my last one escape! Did you know he’s reconnecting with his friends – friends??!!! As if I hadn’t spent years trying to cut him off from them so he’d just stay home, do work, and not have people to give him the occasional sanity check through my gaslighting – and now he’s out having drinks with them! Well, I hope you’re happy, CL! I hope you’re happy.

      Yeah… this is prime, grade-A “how dare I have to experience consequences – nothing would be wrong if you all would just put up with my shitty behavior!”

  • The message of the letter was quite clear – your dreadful book put a halt to her husband’s exquisite pick-me dancing.

    “Trying to save our marriage” was cheater code for her betrayed husband busily begging and wooing and making her life oh-so-wonderful. And dammit, she was enjoying that unexpected benefit of being a duplicitous and entitled human.

    How dare you, Tracy?? How unreasonable that you offer comfort, solace and clarity to thousands of wounded souls and give them permission to take of their painful and humiliating dancing shoes.

    • “permission to take of their painful and humiliating dancing shoes.” Wow love this sentence. That was the worst of the pain, wasn’t it? Worse than the betrayal, was how much he enjoyed my humiliation. Makes me sick to remember it. I remember my brother begging me to put a stop to it, which I finally did. I had miles to climb up out of the black hole in the ground, but the humiliation of the pick me dance was the absolute bottom

  • Diane- I’m going to reiterate the question from others – why are you unable to take care of your child? I’m not saying it’s not tough if your husband isn’t home, but as that and his reading CL’s book are the only reasons you give, we can’t help but be suspicious. Blaming everyone else without clear reason is a cheater hallmark.

    • That is the million dollar question for me. Clearly she is not a good mother. If she found time to cheat on her husband she must also have been neglecting the child at the time. Perhaps that is all this is. What? Now I have to be stuck here looking after my child instead of being out partying? No fair. Tracy, come watch my child so I can go party. To me the tone of the letter implies, however, that she cannot materially afford to look after her child. If he leaves her with the child and no $ and she has no income and can’t work because she has no access to and/or can’t afford child care then that is a serious problem for the child. The father has a responsibility to make sure the child is cared for and has the resources he/she needs if he leaves the wife. He may well be doing so and the cheater is just feeling sorry for herself because she has to stay home and watch her child while he takes a turn out partying. I don’t care what happens to the cheater wife, but the child needs to be taken care of financially and emotionally and both parents have a responsibility there. Ideally, the father would take the child with him when he leaves the wife. Then she won’t have to look after him anymore and problem solved.

  • I get this mental picture of Diane as the villain at the end of a Scooby Doo cartoon, “And I’d have gotten away with it, too, if it hadn’t been for that pesky book!”

  • The only thing missing from Diane’s list of grievances — the common possession of cheaters everywhere — is something along the lines of:

    “One mistake does not a person make. Go ahead and judge me, just remember to be perfect for the rest of your life.”

    (Both of these, of course, are courtesy of the Kunty Kibbler)

    Idiotule.

    • Love the I made a mistake comments. There was a whole lot of time spent planning and lying involved. There was 4 years plus of sex, sexting, flirting. How this falls into the realm of mistake I am not sure. I have made mistakes…. coming home from the store with low fat sour cream or cream cheese are some examples. Having my pants taken off and have strange dicks fall in a mistake?

    • My favourite was, “it’s easier to beg for forgiveness, than ask for permission” mindfuck. And “I don’t make the rules”. To which I happily threw at him when the spousal and child support orders totalled more than his income. Per month. Poor, poor sad alcoholic, self absorbed, clown car driving fucktard. King Kuntard forever underestimated me. That was to my advantage.

      Love you CL AND CN!

  • FOr some reason at the end here I had Natasha’s voice running through my head (From Bullwinkle)……HAHAHAHA
    The UBT cracks me up EVERY TIME!!

  • Ah, yes… Tracy is as responsible for your husband divorcing you as the 911 operator is for getting a criminal arrested and put into jail.

    Cheater Logic, powered by Bullshit.

  • Along the lines of Diane’s flawed understanding of causation:
    “Thanks to fire extinguishers, people want to not burn to death.”
    “Thanks to bathrooms, people want to poop.”
    “Thanks to corgis, people don’t like rabid coyotes.”
    Diane, as a spouse, your are a flaming poop and a rabid coyote. THAT is why your husband will likely (hopefully) leave you.

  • oh my gosh…thank you Diane and Tracy for making my morning!!! Now if only more cheaters would read your book lol…..I would love to put a group in a room and make them read it….and be able to watch….

  • BOOM!!!

    Mic drop on this post!

    Chump Lady has left the building! Along with Diane’s husband and everyone here at Chump Nation! We’re heading out to gain a life!

    I’m going to stock my car trunk with more copies of CL’s book!

    Fuck off Diane!!!

  • Wow, Diane’s rant could have been written by my exhole.

    It can be summarised thus:

    “Me, me, me, me, me, me, me” repeat ad Infinitum….

    Here’s another excuse you can use Diane which was the exhole’s favourite bit of mindfuck

    “It’s not as if I murdered anybody”

    • Get outta here he didn’t really say that did he? Of course he did lol. Congratulations, cheater! You made it through the whole day without murdering anyone. What a catch! LMAO

      • Mine thought that because he didn’t drink beer and watch sport and slap me around occasionally he was better than most men!,, yep he said that.

        • Oh boy. So happy you dropped that rotten can of assfuck. Mine said “I drink the beer while driving, you speed. We’re both bad.” The false equivalencies never ceased to amaze me. 🤦🏻‍♀️

        • Lmao “I’m a male monkey” lmao. Anyway that’s hilarious, very proud of not murdering anyone. These people are too much. Mine would say “well I guess I’m not as good a person as you are”. Um, yup! Lol

    • I got a version of this, “It’s not like anyone died.” No, asshole, just our lives as we knew them, the future we planned, my dreams, and all the sunk costs of putting you and your career first for 17 years. THAT’S all that died.

  • Bahahahaha! I love how it’s all your fault, Chump Lady. You and your naughty book. Haha, this made me laugh so much. I’m loving that her husband GAVE her your book. CLASSIC!!

    She’s irate, because CONSEQUENCES. I love it. This was such a delicious read! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! 😈

  • Reminded me of my stbx. Comes home after being with OW all night – lies and says he’s doing his hobby of taking pictures with his camera all night taking night pictures. (He can’g go during the day, the sun hurts his eyes).

    What? He can’t have hobbies? How dare I not support him in his hobby! He works so hard all day – he needs a hobby to unwind and relax! He works so hard for us!

    Well, I supported his hobbies of boat racing, drones, motorcycles, toy haulers, quads, recreational boats….. but this hobby I do not support (doing his coworker) so he demands a separation because I am so mean and selfish!

    He tells our daughter what a monster I am. He had to move out. His gf 25 years younger saved him from me – she’s so wonderful.

    So I helped him out and did one better. Skip the separation, let’s go straight for divorce.

    His mom said he has poor impulse control. Always, always will.

    He told me that I needed to take our daughter to therapy and I should get therapy, too.

    He doesn’t need therapy. He has poor impulse control that ruins lives, but hey. He works hard – he’s gotta play hard.

    Poor impulse control is only the tip of the iceberg. Destroying people and families with no remorse. Telling your daughter to go tell your girlfriend she hates her (OW helped destroy a family – is that a problem? You guys aren’t going out to have your nails done today? what? )

    They are so stupid.

    • Stupid is an understatement. Cheers to you for giving the lovebirds what they lied and cheated on to get so badly. Now you and your daughter can live a fuckwit free fabulous life!

  • Poor Diane broke it off with her doosh and now she has to try to get him back, until she finds someone else to break to with him for. It’s so complicated.

    Back on the home front, daddy issues, broke up with junkiecon yo vey back together with her grampwhore. Sadly, junkie on, is a bit unstable so he started publicly shaming daddyissues on social media. Daddyissues ran to junkiecon yo fuck the grievance out of him so hed take down those posts. It worked, kind of, I have the screen captures and see his new daddyissues dedicated social media page. This all, legally, means very little, but to a borderline trying to maintain an image? Stay tuned..

  • Why is it cheaters don’t think about their children when they’re stabbing their other parent in the back?

    Is it :

    A) Cheating doesn’t affect children
    B) DARVO
    C) Children live in an alternate universe and not in reality

    The answer is B: DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim/offender)

    Deny: state that one refuses to admit the truth or existence of.
    “She denies any responsibility for the tragedy”

    Attack: criticize or oppose fiercely and publicly.
    “She attacked Chump Ladies book”

    Reverse: turn (something) the other way around or up or inside out and make it the opposite of what it was.
    “a reversed S-shape”

    Victim: a person who is tricked, duped, harmed or killed by the actions of another person.
    “he was the victim of infidelity”

    Offender: a person or thing that offends, does something wrong, or causes problems.
    “of marital offenses, the worst offender is infidelity”

  • WTH? I cannot take care of my child because my husband is out with his friends.

    Kind of like I cannot take care of my dog because children in Africa do not have clean drinking water? Pardon me for missing the connection.

    Fuckwit used to leave me for days/weeks at a time to do things like fish, hunt and fuck whores. Somehow I was able to care for my 5 children. Although I have friends now who tell me they would have never let their husbands go do those things so maybe I am on your level Tracy and these small people just can’t fathom it. I take my guru superpowers for granted (sounding narc like anyone?).

    Oh the blame game. They are completely incapable of introspection. It all goes back to never having gone beyond the toddler emotional level. Makes me feel like I am going to explode.

    • Diane sure as heck wasn’t taking care of her child, when she was porking the affair partner. Yet, it’s horrifying that her husband spends time with his friends. Imagine that, such a crime in Diane’s mind.

  • Even with Chump Lady’s heroic efforts at editing and punctuation that letter is pure cheater word salad, hard to figure out aside from the me, me, poor me effort at controlling the narrative. I must say, the tone of outraged entitlement, spiced up with the infusion of the sad sausage channel, and a dash of the rage channel is a dead giveaway.

    Clueless narc on the hoof, and enraged her mark is slipping out of her evil grasp.

    Way to go Tracy, another Chump saved!

  • Glad to hear the husband read the book. He’s apparently gotten to the point that he’s not willing to accept the blame for his wife’s affair anymore – good for him.

    So what do we have? An attempt at blameshifting to a different (and distant) source – CL. I’ll admit, there’s some creativity there. Ridiculous, and yet so desperate.

    So being from Bucharest, the Russian Judge is impressed and gives it a 9, the East German Judge gives it a 9, while the American Judge is the party pooper – gives it a 2. Awwww, just short of the medal stand. Alas, you can try again in 4 years.

  • Chumplady that was an awesome UBT translation! That letter sure does give us a glimpse of what goes on in a disordered person’s mind. It’s all about blaming someone else and not once she takes any responsibility for destroying the family. I got so angry reading that letter, but it goes to show these disordered folk are really mentally F-ed up. That’s how they think. And it’s classic narcissistic behavior, where they aren’t the problem, but everyone else around them is. Which falls in line with that’s why Narcs are the problem and never get therapy, but everyone around them seeks therapy.

  • Diane, You did it to yourself! Actions have consequences!
    No one else to blame only yourself!
    Well done on your words Chump Lady!

  • Diane, the day your husband got the book you should have paid attention. There is no ambiguity. It says exactly what the book is about on the cover. It does not say HOW TO CHEAT AND KEEP YOUR MARRIAGE. You got your jollies. He gets his freedom. Pretty fair trade.

    • Totally agree, she got her jollies and he got his freedom. Fair trade indeed.

      But Diane doesn’t believe in fairness all around, only for the sun to shine around her and where everyone caters to her.

  • Brings to light Stupid Shit cheaters say. I read a chumps response on another site wherein her cheater came crawling back to influence reopening of the bakery,… “ILYBINILWY”. Brilliant!

    Tracy, you should write a book on a reverse psychology language to be used during early engagement with the cheater. You know, what to say back in “cheater-speak”. I don’t think they could comprehend their own diatribe if it got reflected back upon them. Or make it a Friday challenge.

    Not necessarily snarkish, but more on their level. They fry our brains with their crazy, so what would happen if they got their circuitry EMP’d. (Maniacal laugh)

  • I can’t help but notice that a person who felt focused on mutually working hard on a marriage with his partner might not be super likely to select and read a book with a title that suggests that completely switching gears away from that oh-so-meaningful work is an option.

    In other words, I think Diane’s use of the word “we” is, perhaps, somewhat questionable. 😉

    I also think that if one single book in the entire RIC soup of books is really powerful enough to tip a person’s scale, then something else would have done it if the book hadn’t. Attacking CL for holding and sharing her point of view on cheating is a pretty weak foundation for an argument. When CL goes after, say, Perel, she goes after her actual words and demonstrable actions. When Diane goes after CL, she goes after her personal well being. Speech and debate teachers everywhere could use this as an illustrative study in the difference between a well-constructed, fact-based persuasive argument and a weak and misinformed attempt at persuasion.

    • That was my first thought too, that she’s pulling for the RIC while he’s apparently dabbling with CN.

      And if he picks up on today’s UBT which we all hope he does, it should do the trick of exposing her lame attempt to reel him back in.

      Her pick-me dance sucks so bad I’d give it a 1 out of 10 at best. But the real loser in this case is the child, sadly. Just hope dad stays strong but it sounds like the kid has kinda been abandoned to me

      • She made it sound like that, yeah, but she’s a liar so I don’t believe her rendition of events. She’s just using the kid as a bludgeon to beat CL. For all we know, she wrote that letter from her lover’s bed and the dad has the child somewhere safe.

  • I would like to know the situation of the child. I have no idea what the laws are in Romania. Does the father have any monetary responsibility for his child? Is he able to get custody or does it automatically go to the mother? Did Dad leave the child too and leave him unsupported or is he doing everything he can to get custody and/or support his child financially and emotionally. If not, then he is an asshole too. Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life doesn’t mean abandon your child with the cheater if you can help it (sometimes you can’t because the courts are stupid). If he is doing everything he can to gain custody, provide financial support for and maintain a relationship with his child then that is another story. In that case she is preventing him from being with his son and then complaining that he is out partying while she is stuck home looking after said child. That is the more likely scenario because that is the way these self-pitying cheaters think. Either way he clearly hasn’t taken her child away from her and she should be grateful for that.

    • See my comment above. I don’t believe cheaters, especially when they use kids as weapons, which she clearly did here in her letter.

  • Diane gets zero points for originality. Post D-day I recall Mr Fab giving a similar lecture.

    You hear a crash, run into the room and there is Jxxxx, standing amid the shards of the cookie jar, Mint Milano in hand.

    “What happened here Jxxxx?!”

    “YOU did it.”

    I pity the 8 year old but I am glad their Dad found Chump Nation. And poor UBT-this letter is the equivalent of a dry rice cake.

  • #MaryPoppinsBitch

    Hahahahhaaaaa, awesome!!!!
    I’ve heard comments from my non-chumped friends similiar to Diane’s vitriol about Chump Lady, and it pisses me off to no end.
    Excellent UBT this fine Tuesday morning!!!

  • Omg!!! This had me laughing so hard that when I read #marypoppinsbitch…my coffee shot out of my nose. Since D day, my coworkers haven’t seen me laugh much, needless to say, the coffee incident has them thinking that I must be completely unraveling by now…

  • Hey Diane, question for you. When you were investing time in developing a cheating relationship, when you spent time, energy, money and your husbands good will, when you were out and about screwing someone else being all cute, coy and sweet, who was watching your child? Who was caring, supervising, monitoring, playing, loving this little person?

    Oh, not you? Happy Mothers’ Day, worthless.

  • Diane- You’re mad because your husband read a book? I too read this book. And how I finally discovered that the marriage was over? Because he did EVERYTHING in the book! Sounds like you’re mad because you have everything in common with Douchebag McGee and all the other cheaters out there. Turn your anger where it belongs-inward.

  • You know how sometimes the universe give you exactly what you need, at exactly the right moment? That was this post for me, today. Almost three months out and my cheater is giving me “let’s work on us” “I thought we were stronger than this” “I don’t want to divorce”. My response, silence towards him and an email to my lawyer telling him to finalize the divorce documents.

    If not for you all, I may have gone back…but it’s so obvious now that he’s EXACTLY like Diane. He hasn’t done anything to change, except be a sad sausage and and shoot off some “heartfelt” texts…seriously his marriage is imploding and he can’t even be bothered to call…cheaters make me so sick…

    • I had to txt him today and he quickly responded about how he was at an all time low, soo sad and depwessed and how he has to work so much and has no friends. Seriously I’m unemployed and raising two kids he sees on average 8 hours a week. Fuck off… Block!
      How the mighty have fallen

    • Proud of you. This can be a fragile time in the infidelity journey – when the cheater half heartedly tosses out vague promises of reconciliation. You are wise to recognize that this will be the total extent of his effort. These words are just an attempt to draw you back into the life-of-cake he’s come to enjoy.

      • Oh yes it’s the self pity channel, by the end of the week he will be threatening to take the house off me when he can’t suck me back into his psychodrama.

    • “My response, silence towards him and an email to my lawyer telling him to finalize the divorce documents.”

      Just love your response!

  • This assault on Chump Lady is, in a way, the greatest compliment to her!
    The amounts of projection and blame-shifting of Diane are truly amazing.
    I can’t wait to see Chump Lady lay waste to Tokyo in the next Chumpzilla movie. (Not in real life, of course, as I used to live there and people were kind to my family.
    Love the names Chump Lady has given the characters in this story, which I am sad is very likely real.
    I hope that Victor and child can find real love and happiness in an authentic life.

  • “Well, great job! Now you may gloat!”
    I don’t know about the rest of you all, but I’m sure glad my ex-w cheated, because now I have something to hold over her. Ha, that feeling of moral superiority sure was worth having her break up our marriage, make me live like a pauper, and traumatize our children. Awesome!

      • Saw this on twitter and loved it:

        Therapist: What’s wrong?

        Me: If I do the Borat voice once more, I’ll be getting a divorce

        Therapist: And who told you that?

        Me: *tearfully clears throat*

    • Why oh why, is it always the innocent party that ends up struggling financially afterward. As if the original injury wasn’t suficient!
      I have two friends who let their outraged parents (and raging vindictiveness after over 14 and 21 yrs of marriage) take the cheating exes (planning to marry their OW) to to proverbial ‘cleaners’.
      One even got alimony for life regardless of remarriage.
      But more often than not, when people hear about their exes lowered standards of living (including one OW who broke the engagement), all they hear is how cruel and wrong they were. Their exes shouldn’t be punished for the rest of their life for ‘one little mistake’ (that lasted years in one case). What happened to forgiveness is often heard. And, most laughable, “Don’t you care how this makes him look to everyone?”
      When situations are reversed, as is normal for the injured spouse, as in your case, no one seems to care.
      I wish divorce laws would acknowledge the injured party and assess a penalty to the offending party.
      But then I don’t believe in forgive and forget.

  • Well Bless your heart Diane. Here’s what happened to my husband after he cheated. He read CLs book, went to individual counseling, signed a post up, listened to me cry, get angry, and put up with a lot of my emotional shit that came from his cheating to Save Our Marriage! He definitely didn’t blame a book or complain about child care. Those would have been easy street back during “the make our marriage work “ stage. It’s been almost 6 yrs now and it’s much better. I don’t think that pain will ever completely go away. It’s obvious, you are not remorseful for hurting him.

  • Can someone PLEASE explain to me how cheating on your spouse is supposed to SAVE a marriage?
    Betrayal, broken promises, destruction of trust, and those permanent images of them f*cking someone else don’t say ‘Second Honeymoon’ to me.

    • Gotta remember that these cheaters live in this alternate reality, where their actions are condoned and should not be questioned, AND they still want everyone to view them as “good parents.”

      • Unfortunately the judicial system is set up to allow just that, at least where I live. But the divorce attorneys do very well.

  • Today’s column cheers me right up. INTERNATIONAL ACCLAIM!! Now cheaters the world over don’t.have.to.take.it. CL, when will your book be translated into 24 languages (to assure monolinguals in non-English speaking countries can also Gain a Life)?

    Since I grew up feeling guilty about EVERYthing (Catholic household), the ability of cheaters and Cluster Bs to evade responsibility for anything they do is utterly fascinating to me.

    • Fascinating in a #hotmesstrippingintoasinkholekindofway 😁 Cue that scene in Mean Girls when Regina steps into the road in front of the school bus. #lifelessons

  • Dear god, they really are all alike aren’t they?

    My ex is still a bitter princess that I filed for divorce when we agreed he would have 30 days to ‘explore his emotions’. He neglects to mention that he was supposed to be NC with me and the OW. Instead he was living with her and exploring her nether regions.

    And I never danced for him. I think he was looking forward to having two women fight for him. Sucks to be you, Fucktard.

    Anyway – Diane is the same. She was looking forward to have her Husband dance like Fred Astaire. She was convinced (and was probably getting) a massive ego boost by her Husband letting her know how he doesn’t deserve her magnificence and cannot live without her in his life.

    Then he read The Book.

    Now Diane is alone. No AP. No Husband. Just an 8 year old who wants to know what is for dinner. And that is fabulous.

    Wherever you are Mr. STBXH of Diane — I salute you and wish you well! And I seriously hope you lurk on here. How great to see Diane’s letter 😉

    • Dancing like Fred Astaire, love it!

      Yeah Diane can’t take the fact that she is not getting any attention from her husband. How dare her not worship the ground she walks on. Narcissism at its finest. And Diane realizes she’s not all that after all, but some lame cheater who is leading a blazee existence.

    • Mr Mensa has rewritten history … he “only cheated before we were married”. Uh huh. Riiiight Sherlock. What about all of those emails I found?
      Rules are not for them!

  • This makes me laugh because ‘Diane’ completely overlooks that her Chump actively sought out this book, or at least spotted it somewhere in the RIC section and chose to purchase and read it. CL doesn’t have any amazing ability to send a book to someone the moment they realize they need it.

    • The title, “Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life” is what caught my attention. All the other books had the same old RIC uninspiring title language. The “leave a cheater” part made a tremendous amount of sense and I had to have a copy.

  • Ha ha ha ha ha! So the Cheater’s handbook is in good use across the world. She cheats yet it is YOUR fault that her husband is leaving her. What does it take to get a Cheater to admit fault? Rhetorical question as we all know they don’t admit fault.

  • Dianne, who was taking care of your child while you were fucking around? Was your husband home reading after putting the little one to bed? Gotta give credit to those parenting book worms. They’ll probably learn something.

  • A scene from “Sid and Nancy” where a strung out Nancy screams to a departing Sid, “Wait! we didn’t do the good-bye drugs *screams and sobs*” was running through my head while reading Diane’s letter.

    How much do you wanna bet Diane’s eight year-old kid is taking care of her instead?

  • Diane,
    If you thought you would get any support attacking Tracy think again. All of us chumps support her! Thanks to her and her experiences, it has helped and will continue to help us realize we are mighty and deserve to gain a life..

    You made a choice Diane to cheat with no regards for your husband or child so suck it up cupcake there are consequences that are your husband’s to deliver. Too bad for you. You totally suck and I hope your hubby moves on to gain a life and takes your child with him. Then you are free to fuck around all you want, but probably won’t be as fun..

  • Dear Diane,

    You know as much about grammar as you do about keeping promises.

    Rock on!

  • Using the kid is such a horrible thing. Cheaters have no bounds.

    Cheater Wife one day after Dday:

    “We owe it to our daughter that we go to marriage counseling to see if we can fix this before you just go and file for divorce.”

    “We have to stay together for our daughter’s sake” (I had already done this after Dday 2011, 2015, so I guess she figured I would do it again)

    “We have to consider how this will affect her”. Me: “Did you think how it would affect her when you introduced her to your AP?” Her: **stumped**

    • That’s such horseshit!! Good for you recognizing there’s no “we” and shifting that covert message of “you’re ruining everything” back onto her shoulders.

      My ex said “if we get divorced what will happen to all the memories?”

      My response, “I’m keeping all the ones without you and donating the rest to Goodwill with all your other shit.”

    • Yes, that’s the narrative. Mine likes to lecture me no on how it’s best for our daughter if he and I are good friends…if only I would be a good mother and let him back into my inner world so he could have more of that cake. Turns out, I’m all out of cake.

  • “And I would have gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for you meddling kids and your stupid dog”.

  • I’ve heard so many similar stories about how the cheaters feel like they want to be viewed as “good parents” in spite of the cheating, as it they were “wronged” in this marriage and were “forced” to cheat. Yet, when they get called out for being cheated, and friends and family either directly or indirectly know they cheated, they want to come off as expecting pity or understanding that they were not the “main reason” the marriage failed?

    Sorry, but I’m calling #bs. That’s just a bad case of deflecting responsibility and taking no accountability. I often wonder, what kind of “fantasy world” do these cheater live in, in that they can get away w/what they did, and expect people to be sympathetic w/what they did? If I had my way, all of them would have to wear an “A” on their clothes like the book, The Scarlet Letter. They should be shamed in society for what they did, no one will convince my otherwise.

  • This UBT translation is hilarious AND spot on!! I was laughing out loud at the absurdity of Diane’s delusions and mentally high-fiving Tracy for her ultra-precise elucidation of every lame pretext Diane put forth! I’ll be sharing this one with all my chump friends!!

  • CL, you really are mighty! He gave her a gift. I guess she skipped the section about remorse. Diane really needs to get over herself.

  • Cheaters blameshifting is just mindboggling.
    The first thing that comes out of their mouth is how “selfish” their cheated on spouses are,
    how egocentric they are and how they make it all about them.
    They blame the chumps that they don’t want to understand how bad the cheaters feel and what they going thru.
    How their decision to fuck someone else was hard for them and how bad they felt in the marriage that brought them to cheating and how we didn’t leave them any choice but to sneak around with their fuckbuddies.
    It kills me when they talk with straight face that they still took care of their “primary” relationship and had very little time left for their “secondary” relationship.

  • This is rich! She’s a loon. One of the reasons my cheater left me was “You won’t quit reading Chump Lady”, lol. Damn straight, you aren’t one bit remorseful.

  • This woman got some great therapy ….. REALITY therapy. Unfortunately cheaters/users/kibble eaters don’t like reality very much. Self-centered fantasy is where they live and function. OMG I laughed through her whole letter…. just Brilliantly CLEAR on how these types think (don’t think), and ‘respond’ to truth.

  • What a stupid bitch. He gained life will be awesome. Hope he takes the kid. No one should have to live with ‘that’.

  • Diane, if you had read your marriage license first, maybe you wouldn’t have had to read Leave a Cheater Gain a Life.

    How are you at reading divorce papers?

  • Guess her husband wasn’t as much of a Chump as she thought he would be . . . Bwaaaahaaaaahaaaaa!! This is another example of the narrative changing, and it’s amazing!! The betrayed spouse found CL’s book and joined the ranks of those of us who have GAINED A LIFE!! love love love this post!!

  • I will say, I do not 100% agree with every piece of advice on this website. I agree that you should always leave a cheater, but if there are kids involved, I don’t think you should go 100% no contact or grey rock. I don’t think you should try to take all of their money. I understand how hard it is, trust me I have been there. But I do think people should try to forgive and move on to co-parent well. And that won’t happen if we are mad and angry and bitter and always looking for the “karma bus.” Children need both parents (usually). And the best way for that to happen is to kind of let everyone live in peace. I don’t want to take all of my ex-husband’s money! He worked extremely hard in law school. I didn’t. I got the PRIVILEGE of staying at home with my kids. After we divorced , do I still deserve that privilege? Not really. I realized early on that I didn’t want to rely on his money anyway. I put on my big girl panties and just graduated with my bachelor’s degree! All while having three kids and working full time. I don’t hate my ex just because he didn’t want to be with me anymore. Everyone gets one life. If he wasn’t happy with me, he should have moved on. I really don’t appreciate that he decided to cheat first, but that was his choice. I forgave him for it and everyone is doing so well now. I am sorry but your path can hurt people. Yes, the cheaters caused the initial hurt, but your advice can cause even more hurt. Don’t push people away because they made mistakes. Forgive. Move on. LOVE will always set you free. Not anger. Anger is good initially to get you out of the situation, but once the smoke clears, let it go. I promise it is so much easier and better to co-parent with someone I now can get along with. My kids are so much happier for it, so is my ex, and most importantly so am I.

    • Sorry Amy but maybe the split with your cheater was just peachy keen. Good for you, good for your kids. However, most break ups with cheaters are really messy, well because they’re low life scumbag cheaters. Hidden funds, smear campaigns, blowing their own children off for the skank they’ve hooked up with, refusing to pay the mortgage or child support and lots of other horseshit.
      Also, something about your post just doesn’t seem authentic to me. This isn’t a post on pulling yourself up by your boot straps and moving onward and upward because you got a shitty deal in the husband department. Your post is a bit suspect. I’d swear this post comes from the perspective of the OW. The OW resents cheater’s wife receiving alimony and those pesky kids cost too much money! Let the lazy ex-wife get up off her ass and start contributing for crying out loud, it’s my money now.

      • Oh & the $250.00 per month in child support from a lawyer?!! $62.50 per week!!? I pay more per month for dog food!

          • He’s taking advantage of you. That is terrible. That is something your kids are seeing. No one says alimony and child support must go on in perpetuity, but for a period of time it needs to to help a SAH parent re-build their lives. Really, if I were you. I’d request more money and then contact a lawyer if he says no.

      • My split with my ex was pretty horrible in the moment. I always handled our finances so nothing was hidden from me in that regard. There was no smear campaign, but he did end up spending less time with our children. Which is pretty normal when two parents aren’t living together anymore. I got a decent job right after I found out and was able to pay the mortgage myself, without receiving any child support during the divorce. I did pull myself up by my boot straps damn it! Sorry it didn’t come off that way, but I did! I am very proud of myself! Maybe my post seems suspect because I actually do try to look at life through other people’s perspectives. I don’t want anyone I know to be miserable, including my ex and his AP/new wife. My dad passed away 4 years ago and that really changed my whole perspective on life. I have tried to never let those feelings go.

        • Understandable, I get that. But demanding what is fair does not need to make you miserable, it can make you empowered. I’m glad it worked out for you, although arguably I think you drank the kool aid a little on the minimal support payments. You can forgive and move yet still demand equity.

    • Amy,

      It sounds like you’ve got it all figured out.

      I’m guessing you put your big girl panties on and recieved alimoney, child support and perhaps a home for your children.

      Yes I had the privilege of raising my children while working. They had the privilege of going to OW houses while daddy fucked a whores, had children with OW and moved making them homeless.

      You lack comprehension of the breadth and depths of infidelity. It’s not a mistake. Nor is there remorse. And those complicated STD’S are a reality as well as hiding finances, abandonment of children, and not paying child support.

      You’re bitter bunny mentality under the guise of doing what’s best for the children is unrealistic.

      Perhaps you’ve been in the other side and minimizing works for you. Good luck with that.

      • No, I actually don’t receive any alimony. I receive $250/month in child support and I pay for my own condo after we sold our marital home. I do understand that there are many situations that are truly awful (hiding finances, STD’s, abandonment), but not all situations are like that. And those situations are what I was making reference to. I apologize that I did not clarify.

        • Then I think you kinda gotten taken advantage of. If you were a SAHM and he was the breadwinner, you should have gotten way more than that while getting your education and rebuilding your life. You made family decisions to have you stay at home with kids–shared decisions at the time–and those come with recompense. I don’t know you at all, but it sounds to me like you’ve bought into the narrative that has been shoved down women’s throats for generations–where the man gets to move on intact and the woman is left holding the bag. You both worked hard in your marriage, but he’s the one who gets to keep all the money? That ain’t right.

        • Amy you said: “Yes, the cheaters caused the initial hurt, but your advice can cause even more hurt. Don’t push people away because they made mistakes. Forgive. Move on. LOVE will always set you free. Not anger. Anger is good initially to get you out of the situation, but once the smoke clears, let it go. I promise it is so much easier and better to co-parent with someone I now can get along with. My kids are so much happier for it, so is my ex, and most importantly so am I”

          Cheating is NOT a mistake. (Cheaterspeak) The cheater caused hurt? (Minimizing).Your advice causes more hurt Blameshifting).
          Forgive (Tolerate abuse)
          Move on (Trauma/grieving requires years of support) Love (yeah us Chumps need to love/more blameshifting) Your X is happy? Mindfuck.

          Being friends with someone who lies and cheats is a horrible model for your children. Image management is very important to you. Get off your high horse and stop minimizing the impact of having a selfish lying cheating spouse by using love and forgiveness. You’re not a chump. Not because of your point of view; it’s your lack of empathy and compassion using Narc speak (minimizing/blaming/ word salad/not holding the predator accountable/, revictimizing).

    • Amy, Forgiving and coparenting are your choices. But many of us suffered years, nay, decades of subtle and not-so-subtle emotional abuse prior to our spouse’s infidelity. Our cheaters are not only still remorseless, but continue to blame US for their infidelity. Many, like mine, continue to bad talk us behind our backs despite being serial cheaters. Why, oh why, should forgiveness be thrust down my or any chump’s throat? We should pretend to be friendly with the person who smiled as they buried a hatchet in our backs up to the hilt?

      If being friends with your X makes you feel better, by all means do so. But few of us feel the same way, and issuing sanctimonious criticisms that we are doing it all wrong, just adds insult to injury.

      There is actually a growing psychological literature that (a) forgiveness is not therapeutic in all situations (esp. when the person who injured you is remorseless, and (b) forgiveness seems to be used as a tool of oppression by forcing the most vulnerable members of society to pony up to the more powerful so as maintain the status quo.

      I would much prefer to model boundaries to my two daughters–if someone harms you egregiously, do NOT befriend them to avoid further participation in the abuse cycle. If that teaches the person who harmed you a lesson, even better (though count me as skeptical that most of the cheaters featured on these pages by chumps are capable of learning moral lessons).

      • There are also studies showing the frequency of narcissism and other psychological disorders in people who stay friends with their ex’s:

        “Hoarders are afraid to throw anything away in case they have a use for it somewhere down the road. Narcissists, in the same way don’t like to throw away the people they’ve collected. Both are pathological, unhealthy and dysfunctional.”

        That quote was from esteemology but there are tons of other articles if you Google it

        • Thanks, interesting take on why narcs want to stay friends–we really are just useful appliances to them. (From my perspective, I’d prefer a hoarder’s stash of 152 empty shampoo bottles to having my X around as a friend.)

          • I also think it is a ‘reinforcement’ for them in the terms of ‘see I’m a good person she is still friendly with me’ and also allows then to repeat that to their friends and relatives.

    • The same lack of morals that cheaters have often affects their parenting and treatment of their ex. They hide money, lie, poison the kids against the ex, or they skip town. Some of us struggle with a spiteful, vindictive cheater ex. Try not ‘gray rocking’ someone who tells vicious lies about you!
      As my lawyer said to me ‘what makes you think that just because you divorce him he will stop abusing you.’ He was right.

      Every situation is different.

      • Very true. I guess I just got “lucky” in that my ex is not like that. He is very reasonable and would never tell lies about me to our children. I just hope that the cheaters who want to be good parents still get the opportunity, that is all. A bad husband is not always a bad father. I guess that is all I was trying to say 🙂

        • But he is like that in some regard. He’s content paying the mother of his children $250 a month while he gets to enjoy the rest of his lawyers salary, despite the fact that you decided together, as a team unit, to have you stay at home (I’m assuming it was a joint decision). Any person who is happy to do that to the mother of his children is viscous in his own way.

        • Amy, I don’t think you’re very familiar with my writing, or my book. In my book I distinguish between parents who were lousy to be married to, but still behave like responsible parents. (I call this the “Gold Standard.”) Then there are the AWOL abandoners. And then there are the deeply disordered, the addicts, the mentally ill, the abusers, the sort of people who sue you pro se, make threats, are actively toxic in their children’s lives.

          Your view of Why Can’t We All Just Forgive And Get Along is GREAT — if you’ve got the raw goods to work with. It’s IDEAL. It would be WONDERFUL if exes could co-parent and do what’s best for kids and abide by court orders on scheduling and support. And I’m quite outspoken about SAH parenting — I think it makes people (mostly women) vulnerable. I think everyone should be able to be independent and support themselves.

          You must understand that most people on this site do NOT have your good fortune. And it’s nothing THEY did — like be “bitter” or unforgiving. They didn’t get a lousy-to-be-married-to-but-decent-to-the-kids ex. They got a fuckwit. Some people here have terrible stories, like Tessie, whose ex killed her son (and then himself). Some people here are dealing with deeply troubled people, and they bred with them, and have to deal. It’s incredibly painful.

          So don’t paint with such a broad brush, please. Try to have some empathy for those parents who don’t have your good fortune. You navigated a difficult situation into a better life. AND YOUR EX LET YOU. He left you alone. He didn’t fight you. He didn’t buy the kids pot. He didn’t keep suing you. He didn’t threaten you. He didn’t hit you. He didn’t endanger you. He didn’t abandon his children. He didn’t take them out of the country and not tell you.

          I could go on. Now you’ll understand I hope why some people take your comment as misguided and hurtful.

        • Your use of the term “lucky” to define your particular circumstance indicates that you’re aware that the situation you describe is rare. So if your experience is in the minority, then why, pray tell, are you here wagging a finger at those of us in the majority who did NOT experience a sunshine and rainbows betrayal?

          I think that to acknowledge the pain and abuse you read about here would be to acknowledge your own, and locking away pain behind a condo and a big smile is a lot easier for some people.

        • Actually, a bad husband is a bad father – because he treats their mother with disrespect and deception – which models for them how he believes women should be treated. Now, if he pays you more than half of what he makes to ensure the family security (which includes you) – that shows some character. But that kind of “ex” is as scarce as hens teeth. He may play nice with you in conversation – why shouldn’t he? He got all the cream.

    • You do understand the lessons you are modeling for your children I hope.

      Promises are made to be broken. Accept less than. Happiness comes before responsibility. It’s easier to beg forgiveness than get permission. Marriage doesn’t mean until death do we part it means until we don’t feel like it anymore.

      My own mother modeled these for me and it worked out so well…NOT

      • I don’t want any person staying with me out of responsibility or because they said until death do us part!! What a miserable life that would be for everyone involved. I only want to live and be with someone who actually wants to be with me. I fully understand that is what I am teaching my children. They only have one chance at this life and I want them to be happy. Life is hard enough, coming home to your significant other should be something you look forward to, not dread. Passion and love are some of the best parts about life. I still have hope that I will find that with someone else 🙂

        • Lying =happiness=okay. Cheating. Stealing. Why not murder?

          Consequences? We don’t need no stinkin’ consequences! Just happiness.

          I feel sorry for whoever you meet.

          • Well that was rude! I don’t condone lying or cheating. Like I said, ex should have just left before he cheated. But, the past is is in the past. I have let it go and forgiven him.

            • If he left before, it wouldn’t be cheating.

              Do you really believe that he only lied to you and not your children? Maybe he is a unicorn but selective lying is quite difficult. Was he honest with your children with his whereabouts when he lied to you? How do you know he never says antything bad about you?

              You say it was a privelidge to stay home with the kids but you don’t deserve that if you’re not married. Why not, what has changed. You suposably held up your end of the bargin, he didn’t. I assume you both thought staying home was best for the kids.

              As a stay at home mom who homeschooled, I saved fuckwit a lot of money and gave him more disposable income and time. I think I deserve to continue in the lifestyle I helped earn. He was the fuckwit who blew it up and abandoned .

              Finally you want someone who is not just there because of the vows, well why have vows in that case?

    • This sounds like it was written by a cheater.

      Yes, some divorces can be civil. Most people on this website are here because they are NOT civil. Because we are dealing with disordered, selfish, many times narcissistic abusers. Read the stories on here. They are brutal.

      And actually, calling it a ‘privilege’ to stay home while your spouse works, then say you put on your ‘big girl panties’ and went back to school smacks of shaming those who didn’t or COULDN’T do the same. I stayed home with my boys while my spouse made the majority of our income. I didn’t call it a privilege as if he graciously granted it to me, it was a MUTUAL AGREEMENT and just as much of a PRIVILEGE (since you used that word) for him to be able to travel and do his job without once ever having to worry about his two children.

      • Without once ever having to worry about his two children?? Do you understand the pressure and stress it puts on someone when they have to 100% financially provide for a whole family? I am not downplaying the role of a mother, but the role of a father is extremely rough too.
        That is my point – I just worry that in the cases when the divorce isn’t terrible, some may still follow this advice which might make the situation way worse, especially for the children involved.

        • Congratulations! My story reads a little different from yours though. Mine was what most in our community called “a perfect marriage.” Beautiful children, health, good jobs, a great community, and a beautiful home. After a twenty eight year relationship though, X became a ghost. He spent the last two years of “our” marriage dissipating assets, this in addition to sneaking around and fucking his AP, sans protection, while treating me like crap. I was typically clueless, busy living, supporting him as always and doing the adulting (all the work outside his great career, his hobbies, his vacations, and his travel) ie taking care of our kids, our home, our yard, and working my 40 hrs per! I thought his crap behavior was work stress as he was still coming home and fucking me. After the ILYBINILWY speech and his affair my first thought was, Who the fuck does this?!?! Your average lying double life living cheater Fucktard, that’s who! Over the two plus years it took us to divorce he continued to behave irrationally, bullied and threatened me, dissipated assets, robbed our kids’ savings, our own, and stopped paying our mortgage (the one bill he stated he’d pay). He made four times what I did. Our children were left scrambling, physically, mentally, and financially (it is common for the disordered to leave their families financially vulnerable), and our home was foreclosed on the year our youngest graduated HS. My children are young adults now, still questioning their worth as Dad only shows up at life events like graduation. Thing is when I pledged my vows I meant them. I worked hard at my marriage. I worked hard to provide for my family. I thought I’d married someone who shared my values and was an honest man. That’s what you bring, right? When you are a shit person though, consequences follow. As they should. I would not be healthy if I had any kind of relationship with X. Boundaries protect you from toxic people, and just because he fathered our children doesn’t mean he gets to have me in his life. No. The second he made his decision (first to screw our marriage over, then to screw me over financially) was the moment he chose not to have any kind of future with me. Discovering CL and CN reinforced what I knew. Abusers do not deserve second chances.

    • Keep telling yourself that.

      Some people’s partners will destroy them mentally, if not physically, if they do anything except for no contact or grey rock. Telling people to “forgive” those types is actually disrespectful as shit – nor does it make you any more “enlightened” having forgiven your fuckwit.

      I won’t forgive anyone who willingly seeks to destroy the life of others, my cheaters or otherwise. And I don’t give a fuck if you call me “bitter” for it – in fact, that actually tells me *ample* as to your real character.

    • Amy,

      The math isn’t adding up.

      You bought a condo with the proceeds of the marital home. Was the house paid off (15 year or 30 year mortgage) ? You don’t receive any alimony and only $250 of child support per month for three children. How old are your children ? Don’t you have to pay a babysitter since you claim to work full time while earning an undergraduate degree ? How did you finance your degree ? Student loans

      Something is off about your “story” Smug Amy.

  • Wow. This is the ultimate blameshift. Everything was fine until THE BOOK CAME ALONG!

    I’m pretty sure that your husband has free will, Diane. CL does not have the ability to hypnotize her readers. What he read made sense to him, and he’s following what he feels is right– leaving your toxic, entitled self behind.

    No one came to help me raise my three children when my then-husband was sneaking off to meet with his cheater partner. My ex is now married to her and is even less help, especially since he must do everything she says, including not talk to one of our kids, who now lives full-time with me. Guess what? I’m raising him on my own because a cheater decided to destroy our family.

    You did this to your family, Diane. YOU. DID. THIS.

    • Moving on, I had to say the same words to my STBX when he was served my divorce papers and he went nuts, screaming at me and our son, and said, “This is the damnedest thing I’ve ever seen. You’re throwing away 26 years of marriage.”

      And I said, “No. You. Did. This.”

      Then he called me a stupid shit.

      But spent the next year trying to say “I’m sorry for ‘what happened'” (like it was a natural disaster) and ‘let’s work on our marriage to bring our family back.”

      No can do. Not a marriage problem. A disordered husband problem. Therefore, divorce and safety.

  • I am a chump and have been enjoying all the articles here.

    I just would like to point out a a fee things for the sake of cultural sensitivity. This cheater is writing from Bucharest which is in Romania. It’s unlikely that she would be eating goulash and dating someone named Balázs, unless she was maybe from Budapest, Hungary, which is the country next door. I really hope she is not from my country because she sounds like an entitled and arrogant person. But then again assholes can be found everywhere. Right?

    • In CL’s defense, if the cities were in Africa she probably would have nailed it, and most of the rest of us would be scratching our heads.

      • CL also encourages people not to subscribe to the ignorant norm such as the reconciliation industry.

        I think cultural sensitivity and listening to voices is what makes us better informed people, encourages empathy and mindfulness for the right people. Let’s leave the ignorance and arrogance to cheaters and users.

        If it was not for a need to hear alternate voices in infidelity; chump lady wouldn’t be here.

  • Wow. This is one EPIC blame-shifting chick.

    As always UBT nailed it.

    Hope the 8yo survives her mom’s entitled ways.

  • Right. Now that we know about penicillin we can choose to not die of horrible infections. Damn you, Linus Pauling! Information is evil!

    You are like the kid who murdered his parents and wants us to feel bad that he is an orphan. We understand it will never, ever be YOUR fault.

    Grow the hell up. It IS your fault. Consequences, baby.

  • Dear Diane ,please correct me if I got it wrong Are youn whinning about raising your own child? Dear, your are not a teenager stuck babysitting younger siblings and missing out on the fun with your teenager friends. YOU ARE A MOTHER. You are THE mother.

    Dear Diane’s chump, chances are, you are reading here, since you read the book.
    RUN!!!!!!!!!! If this is how she feels about her own child, you have noooooooooo chance. Seems you are the official parent and nothing more than a babysitter in Diane’s eyes. Oh, and help dear Diane by getting sole custody of your precious child. Give her all free time she wishs for and let her party on. A child deserves to feel loved and not a burden.

  • What else can you expect from a “mother” that cares so little for her own child that while married herself she fucks other married men, causing the break up of not only her own family but of other children’s?

  • “Dear Chump Lady, I had a REALLY good thing going. My husband took care of our child while I fucked around, life was gloriously all about me, and my husband was dancing SO PRETTY for me….until your meddling book came around and spoiled it for me. [Cue Scooby Doo villain voice.] Now, thanks to you, my husband thinks this is about him, too. He *expects* things, like honesty and maturity. WTF? This isn’t what I signed up for when I scored a chump…I mean, when I got married, or whatever. I expected RESPONSIBILITY (from him), COMMUNICATION (from him), DEVOTION (from him), PARENTING (from him), COMMITMENT (from him). This was all super fun until *I* had to pony up the same things I expect from him. It’s just not fair!!! I’m supposed to be the special one, not him! I wanna be speeeeecial!!! [stomp stomp]

  • It is late and I stopped by, I cannot stop laughing, your book made it to a chump in Bucharest and his cheater wrote to you, and hahahahahahhahha. The RIC is going down. Chumplady, saving chumps all over the world, one at a time.

  • She threw up after reading the book? Oh poor her. I was shaking, not eating, and on the verge of throwing up EVERY DAY for months after my husband left me and our two young daughters so he could be free to screw his smoochy. Go to hell Diane.

    • Ditto. Six months of throwing up. Looking back X was the wolf dressed as a lamb. Unmasked he was cruel and vindictive. Ten years after our divorce and he wants to address “our” pension. Any advice in the forum would be greatly appreciated.

  • You do shitty things, you get shitty consequences. What a fucking novel concept!

    In this letter its still all about her.

    “Looking after a kid is too much hard work for me boo hoo”. That’s your fucking flesh and blood you’re talking about there, you piece of vile shit! Your husband is fucking right to leave your disgusting, narcissistic arse. Fuck you.

  • Come on, Diaane. Why do all cheaters want to stay in a relationship after they cheat? Can’t you make up your mind?
    We do. We don’t want you back. Good bye.

  • I would dearly love to read any follow-up emails Diane sent after she read the CN responses.

    Even better would be an email from her chump husband as he prepares to dump her cheating ass. Or at least push her into the pond at Cismigiu Gardens. I don’t know how badly divorce fucks over chump husbands in Romania, but if he can make her sleep on the sofa until the kid is 18 in order to continue to raise his child (he is the father of the 8 yo, right?) then that’s fine too.

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