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What You Thought It Was… What It Really Was

In the early days after D-Day, caught up in the Pick Me Dance, chumps have a tendency to romanticize cheaters’ affairs and the affair partners. Part of that is on the cheater, goading the chump to greater feats of humiliation to prove their worth. Have I mentioned Pamela’s firm bottom? It’s so much better than yours. And part of it is the chump, in it to win it. I WILL MAKE YOU LOVE ME!

Of course you can’t compete with a fantasy. Cheaters never have to adult with each other. It’s just salmon dinners and clandestine fucking. You’re the obstacle to the happiness of stolen hours spent fucking and dining. You there, paying bills, rocking babies, and cleaning out lint filters. How could you hope to be as fabulous?

You fail to understand their sophistication, you with your monogamy hang-ups. The heart wants what the heart wants. Life’s not so “black and white.” Run along and be a good chump and go pack a lunch or something.

Chumps often internalize this mindfuck. Feel frumpy and less than. We imagine all the Fabulous Fucking and perfectly poached salmon.

But think about it. What happens when you remove yourself from the triangle (hexagon, dodecahedron…) and the two Schmoopies are left with one another? Adulting is required. WHO WILL DO IT?

What you imagine: Perfect Christmases at Chez Schmoopie. The children in handknit sweaters, crooning Christmas carols, receiving perfect gifts selected for them.

What it really is: Chicken nuggets shaken out of a bag for dinner, unkempt children plopped in front of cartoons, while Aunt Hazel regals everyone with her views on welfare cheats and the Gold Standard.

Cheaters win turds. Their lives are never as enviable as you might imagine. Sure, they have escaped with half your pension, and go on more cruises than you do (no adulting at sea! plus buffets!) — but I guarantee they’re still the same crappy people making crappy life choices.

Your Friday challenge today is to tell me What You Imagined versus What It Is (or suspect it will be, based on your knowledge of this person). Bring it!



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  • What you imagine: The lovebirds living a full life of enjoying movies, visiting with friends, laughing…sexing.
    What it really is: Cheater has developed a penchant for watching stand-up comedy on Netflix ( he needs a laugh?), trying to follow my niece on Instagram and coming to visit daughter on Father’s Day to remind himself he’s a father..

    • What she thought she was getting – an adult who would provide her and her children with a home and money to do fun things.

      What she got – a broke-a$$ MF who can’t keep a job, couldn’t afford a home if his life depended on it, and no money for fun things (cause lawyers, fines, etc…lol).

      And CL totally triggered me on the salmon thing. Years ago I would make a smoked salmon dish that was amazing And one day, also years ago thankfully, when I was trolling her FB I saw where she had attempted to make the same dish ( had salmon but that’s about all it had in common with mine) and he was raving about it in the comments. I remember feeling so hurt at the time but now I just think about what freaks they must have been to try and re-create our lives and make it theirs.

      To all of Chump Nation – never forget NO CONTACT is the path to a cheater-free life.

      Happy Friday Everyone!

      • Oh that totally triggered me @WhoamInow. I used to make this goddamn amazing fish and olive tagine dish that we all absolutely loved (even my preschooler kids) with couscous and everything. I remember STBXW trying to make it once – the results made me chuckle. Definitely freaks if they think they can just move on as if nothing had happened. NC is awesome!

        • Mine. Made me teach him my faboulous Thai Basil chicken dish before he dumped me. Who does that? Who thinks I’m going to get her Basil Chicken receipe and then dump her??
          I can guarantee you what he makes is not one tenth as good as mine.
          Fact is I never gave him a few ingredients. In my heart of heart I never really trusted him. Even with a receipe.

          • Confised123, I get a laugh trying to imagine them making your fabulous chicken and scratching their heads wondering why it didn’t turn out.

          • Mine stole a page out of a cookbook. For ribs. It was a three ring binder and he must have not wanted to make a copy so the whole page is gone. Kids and I laugh about it. A liar, a cheater, and a thief. Lol

            • Oh…that KILLED me when, in a rage, I asked if she had cooked for him and he said yes. I’m Italian – food is love. I love to cook and I shower my family with delicious food that tastes like love. Hers had to have tasted like guilt and despair. But he probably ate her shitty chicken parm (have not made it or eaten it since D day). I hope it gave him the shits.

      • Yep cheater ex asked the kids to get my buffalo chicken dip recipe. He also now makes a fire pit outside and roasts weinies and marshmallows with his schmoopie and my teenagers. I bet their no more engaged in this now than they were before he blew up the family for his young whore. They are teenagers and want to do stuff with their friends! DD16 said she’s not allowed to do anything on Friday nights at all and she doesn’t invite friends over to his house. DS18 probably tries to play video games the entire time.

        They sneak to my house after school until they have to go to his house. They part with the words ‘we were never here’ as they know he will rage!

        • My cheater,whom loved my cooking and would rave about it to anyone who’d care to listen, all of a sudden, became disgusted with my food.
          So much so that he charged after me one day, (in front of a friend) because I put mayo on his grilled cheese sandwich. Something I had done for years PER HIS REQUEST. That was before I knew about the cheating but it was certainly an initial indicator that something was terribly amiss. Imagine a very petite woman, about six months pregnant, balled up in a corner, hands up, preparing for being hit because of mayonnaise on a freaking sandwich. This coming from someone who had never paid a hand on me prior.

          • This is unthinkable FedUp. Trying to hit a woman, let alone a pregnant woman? Pregnant with HIS OWN child? When you think you’ve heard it all, they still can surprise us. Hugs to you.

            • It’s disgusting… brings memories…finding craigslist adds on his computer while breastfeeding our first child… waking the lying cheating fucker up to hear that someone “ broke into his computer”, hearing insults and basically being accused of being a crazy person, while he was “ killing himself” for his family… next two days went on stonewalling me… going to work… getting drunk out of despair of being accused of “such a horrible stuff” …. finalized with me taking care of the newborn baby, house, and everything in between in my own….
              15 years later I know what this devoted husband and father was doing the whole time.. oh my oh my

          • This reminds me of when I was first dating skankboy. His Red Sox lost, started an argument with me because he can’t deal with his own feelings and picked a fight with me. He got into my personal space! *I* said to him, my grandfather and father were drill sergeants, I have 6 brothers and a 6 feet tall son…..if you hit, I hit back, then my family will dismember you without batting an eyelash! Your serve!

            • It must have stuck with him because on Dday when I got into HIS personal space, he cringed and covered his face. Fucking wimp! (Whispering, I’m a catch and release kinda gal with insects and truly would never had struck him!)

            • Fuckwit did passive aggressive shit.

              Like the time he slammed on the brakes on the car and I bashed my forehead on the dashboard.

              But there was this time I got the feeling that he was going to try it and I just said to him flat out:
              “If you ever hit me just remember this I’m going to be waiting for you some night behind the kitchen door with my cast-iron frying pan. ”
              Never felt scared after that.

      • Agreed mine thought he could have his cake and eat it too, the minute I set a boundary he went ballistic! I was so not playing the pick me dance

      • @WhoamInow, “I remember feeling so hurt at the time but now I just think about what freaks they must have been to try and re-create our lives and make it theirs.” <<<<<THIS!! My ex and his wife (married howorker on marriage #3) used the same decorator we used during our marriage….and their home is practically an exact replica of our former home. I don't know about y'all, but if I were the lyin', cheatin' homewrecker, I'd hire my own NEW decorator. What's that about?? Pathetic.

  • He hated to travel,at least with his family, but had no problem running all over who knows where with the ow and putting it on social media. He’s in prison now so I doubt there’s much I on the other hand have been to alot of new places and experiencing life with my children in the fabulous land of meh!

    • livedtotell…he is still travelling….from one inmate to another….Have a great butt f****** time! Won’t see you in hell, Loser!

  • My 18 year old self so in love. I expected to be loved, protected, to be taken care of. I expected from my stbx to be there for me when I needed him the most. Oh if I could just tell my 18 year old self not to get married so young. That I would be verbally abused, called names. Responsible to pay all the bills while he kept more than half his paycheck. Refused to put me on his health insurance when I lost my job. Then when I was going through a bad time in my life because early menopause kicked my ass. He cheats on me with my cousin. His excuse was he wasn’t getting enough attention. I did not go out enough with him. Instead of helping me through my bad times he abandoned me for a short fat troll.

    • Cuzchump i so get it, I was married at 26 and him at 30 and still it made no difference! He wanted cake and he was determined at the Demise of our family, dog and home

      • Carol- you are absolutely right, it makes no difference!!!
        Mine was hooking up for romantic dinners, hookers etc. while making wedding plans with me… later on- blaming our non existing sex life on my “ post baby” body ( when I look at my pics right now I just cry for that attractive sweet girl who was played so cruelly) on getting weight while pregnant ( my poor mind couldn’t connect dots with all the mind games, body protective mode kicked in 10 lb gain / two weeks, with almost not eating a thing… stress)
        On not cleaning enough… name it- it was there.

  • My take on this is the point of view of the AP (now wife): What she thought she was getting: Jet-setter high power executive who drives a BMW. Tragically trapped in a loveless marriage, and his love for her is powerful, deep, and real.

    What she actually got: Unemployed middle-aged shmuck who is struggling to make his business work from home in his pajamas. Hasn’t showered in three days. The BMW towed away and sold for parts. Endless promises that the business will take off and it will be raining money once again. Lied to her as much as he needed go to keep cake going.

    • Thanks, you helped remind me of what I’m (not) missing out on. I was having trouble coming up with how their life isn’t perfect, but you brought me right back to reality.

      What she thought she was getting: A high paid professional who took on paying all the bills in his horrible marriage, where his (second) wife was abusive and mentally ill. A man whose first wife cheated on him, making him the victim in all of this. A generous, giving man who would give you the shirt off his back and love you like no one else existed.

      What she (doesn’t yet know) she actually got: A high paid professional who spends faster than he can make money, paying for everything all the time for everyone (oh all those gifts and money he was sending you? You didn’t know that all went on his ever expanding credit? hahaha) Someone who has been bailed out multiple times. Someone who professes his undying love….to everyone. Those boundaries that don’t seem to exist? THEY’RE A RED FLAG.

      Ahh, but since she was also cheating on her husband, I’m gonna go ahead and say they deserve each other. And just so she knows she’s special….they married the day before what would have been our third wedding anniversary.

      • My goodness! If I didn’t know I hadn’t written this, I would have thought I had. My ex-hole didn’t marry his skank the day before our anniversary, but he did marry her. And they truly deserve each other. Can you imagine being married to someone that you KNOW is a liar and a cheater? They will ALWAYS wonder if they’re being told the truth by their spouse because they KNOW that the other one lied multiple times before. Now that’s playing the marriage police from the beginning. I wonder just how “romantic” their life is now that they’re adulting. And I’m actually quite thrilled knowing that the man I was married to for 30 years, and that she coveted for about 15 of those years, is now all hers. The dick hasn’t changed. Now she’s doing the pick-me dance because he’s telling her that he doesn’t feel appreciated, that he doesn’t feel loved enough, and all the other hogwash he put me through. Yes!

        • Definitely I cannot imagine the new woman they know the man is a cheating dirtbag. The one my ex husband is shacked up with is so desperate it’s pathetic! I told her about a year ago he’s not divorced but she didn’t care!

    • Lol, car towed away for parts! And him in his dirty pajamas all day. Wonderful 🙂 Oops, no money for fabulous meals out and vac-ays!

    • That’s because the best thing they ever had ( us), makes them look great. When we’re gone? All that’s left is them. On their own. No foundation. Nothing!
      Shmoopies end up with nothing!

      • This, Egans. I was what made him look great, because I took care of everything, including managing the image of normalcy for my disordered fuckwit. He still took credit for it all but I knew the truth.

        Now that he doesn’t have me, his life is falling apart piece by piece. In my anger, this used to make me laugh. Now, from the Wonderful Land of Meh, I just see it for what it is: tragic and pathetic.

        I’ve become Mighty and Moved On. Compared to fuckwit, who is still wallowing in the same filthy life circumstances with Craigslist whores and God knows what else.

      • Shmoopies end up frustrated because they have to try to live up to your memory and that’s impossible when your a just a whore!

    • Struggling, I could copy the first paragraph of your post, except for the make of the car, but also expensive and above our financial capacities; the idiot actually had the nerve to tell the judge he was in debt because he “needed” three cars. I was driving an old car with 140K km on the odometer.

      What schmoopie (same age as oldest son) really got was a failure who is president of a tax payer-supported, going-down-the-drain think-tank (i.e., bull shit factory, I cringe in shame at what comes out of there). Half of the staff has just been fired.

      I guess schmoopie saw the writing on the wall because she has dumped her four children by three different men on her parents and is working thousands of miles away in Africa for an IT company. Judging from her facebook posts she is having lots of fun here. Really. Her profile on facebook: “mother, Christian, IT analyst, lawyer, business woman, daughter, woman, not necessarily in this same order.” barf! But, hey, schmoopie was the reality, anti-spackle treatment I needed.

      Baron Sparkledick von Glitterballs is supposed to be a specialist in foresight studies. Imagine if he weren’t!

      And His Lordship is not in to smelly pijamas, but when I was collecting evidence of origin of fuckwits debts I found a a medical leave to treat “hypopragmatism” (bullshiteese for: I am in deep financial shit and need to rest?). Lots of $ spent on schmoopie.

    • Tracy, please make a cartoon of fuckwit working in smelly pijamas aside schmoopee on dream business while his BMW is being towed away to sell for for parts. It will sell like hotcakes among CN citizens.

    • what she was going to get, what she was waiting for, what she was f**cking for :
      high powered executive that could take care of her, jet setting all over the world, salmon dinners, , romantic getaways, lots of money rolling in, good looking guy etc etc

      what she really got: Dead man. NO more gravy train, NO more money, NO more jet set trips, the life of her dreams, the best man she ever had, will ever set her eyes on, will ever be interested in HER…

      Me: LOL that she never got to grow old with him ! That she has to pine for him the rest of her miserable whore life…..LOL ….did I really get the last laugh…NO she did because she got away with it…but I can still laugh LMAO at her because she had the dream life all planned and the ‘house fell in on her !”

      Public service announcement to the whore: what comes around goes around, Karma is definitely a F bitch, YOU HO get what you deserve ! Good luck with the next married exec. you slore ! And maybe just maybe you learned a lesson to keep your nasty body off of other peoples husbands BECAUSE it ends VERY VERY VERY badly….

      OH and one more thing…she killed him with all her pressure, the deeply pathetic lonely slut that she is

  • Hi, he liked the ow because she didn’t want her own kids, ow child neglect. She let him do what he wanted – she doesn’t want to loose him. She actually wanted to be my kids aunty, but doesn’t want her own kids. He asked me to share him, she gets the money, I pay for all the kids and home. He asked me to feel sorry for him, but I’m not worthy of sympathy (wouldn’t ask him anyway). Fake suicide attempts, etc

    • YUP, they want your sympathy and money, but when YOU need some help or attention they bail. They are creeps. Major creepers.

  • In the beginning my chump curiosity forced me to occasionally prowl social media looking for the things I imagined they’d be doing in their new found glory: sunset dinners on the top deck of OW’s enormous house, blissful fun family outings with her son, and vacations to Europe.

    Instead, it became clear they were staying in my ex’s rather small suburban house, the OW’s enormous house eventually became a crash pad for my ex’s crazy broke mother, and they got married choosing a fantasy theme complete with their idiot friends dressed in poorly made renaissance type outfits.

    Meanwhile, I made trips to Hawaii, Vancouver, and landed my dream job across the country from them.

  • (Again with the salmon, Tracy?…)

    There’s very little under the “What I Imagine” column, because “What I Know To Be True” is so obvious: everything —EVERYTHING — is all about her.

    She still obsesses over her appearance and is convinced both men and women look at her with great longing, yet behind closed doors focuses so intently on imperfections that she has panic attacks.

    She still thinks she is owed “common courtesy” (read: “special treatment”) when she experiences anxiety or frustration, but thinks that anyone else who does the same in her presence must “just get over yourself, for god sake!”

    She still cannot function in social situations unless she can find a way to steer the conversation and attention towards herself, and must rely on tired jokes and puns if all else fails

    And … she still wears the mask, because the cost of letting it slip is just too high and could be catastrophic

      • Haha! For me it was Kahlua Pork…since my ex wife left me for a Hawaiian and before I knew she was even seeing him she was making Kahlua pork at home and stupid me was the guinea pig..I was the taste tester encouraging her attempts, not realizing she was perfecting her recipe for him! So I was shelling out the money for all this damn Kahlua pork so she could get it “just right”..I can laugh now but God the depths these fuckers sink to.

        • Consider yourself lucky. I had to shave the Worm’s back constantly.
          It makes me ill to think about it.
          On to the fantasy……he told me,
          “She thinks I’m fascinating.”
          I’m told they fight all the time and never show each other affection in public.
          Now that the OW gets all of the blame for everything ( it used to be my full time job ) he’s probably not the fascinating guy he used to be.
          One day I’ll pick up the newspaper and see an article about how they beat the snot out of each other……We signed the settlement papers! I am almost completely Wormfree!!!!!

          • Your blessed I know all about the worms! I also got blamed for everything I was supposed to make certain that the house was always perfect, perfect meals every night and that all his sexual fantasies were taken care of weekly. While I took care of all the kids needs, the dog and my son has a learning disability so I was a bit tired by the end of each day!????

      • My take on the salmon fetish:

        “Look how healthy I am! I read about Omega 3s in a five-year-old GQ magazine at the mechanic’s office.”

        “Look how high brow I am! I don’t eat CHICKEN like you pathetic little Chumps — I eat SALMON!”

        Bow down at my greatness, MotherFuckers!

        • What he said it was: she only eats pure organic food – reality was her family fed on pizza by the slice from a kiosk called ‘eat me i’m famous’.

          His fantasy – she gets up early every morning to go for 12k runs – reality is coke and pot hangovers that left her barely functional before midday.

          His fantasy – she was forced to sleep over at a friend because her husband was so unreasonable (didnt like her going out with other guys, getting high/drunk, not coming home) She only took all her clothes off because she likes to keep them nice, and there was only a single bed, which she was safe to share because the other guy was so drunk. Reality: cheater was chumped and evolved fantasys to explain it away.

      • My salmon story: when OW was my “friend” and supposedly going through a hard time because she was divorcing her supposed cheater husband we had her to dinner where I thoughtfully prepared expensive wild caught smoked salmon with all the trimmings. OW got to the table and told me how I could buy smoked salmon at Costco for much less than what I had paid. At the time I just ignored it but really who does that??? In retrospect I should have told her to leave and get herself some but don’t ever bother coming back to my home. This was not the only time she was nosy and critical, and I heard the same from others who knew her. It’s not just our X’s that suck, OW and OM suck too.

        • We had been married about 12 years the day that he came home and I was making salmon for dinner. He walked in and said “What are you making?” I said “Salmon” and he said “Salmon? I hate salmon!”

          I said: What do you mean? I’ve been making you salmon since before we got married?

          He said: I just pretended to like it to get you to marry me.

          • Lemonbirch that pretty much sums up these freaks. They can hold so. Much. In. Or actually pretend. About really stupid stuff.
            But when they find someone else they really let the mask slip. They want you to know they played you. They dont care. They feel they have nothing to lose.
            They enjoy your pain and confusion.
            And they feel its totally justified. After all you made them eat salmon. You should have known better.
            They really are as horrible as we think.
            I still find myself thinking maybe he really wasnt so bad. But he was. He really was.

            • Exactly, mine would brag daily about how amazing he was at work over every other mechanic. I didn’t ask for the big bucks they offered it to me because I’m so wonderful or so they thought until he got served divorce papers at work!????

      • My ex currently with the other women cooking ‘tuna steak’ at her house. (he left his Ipad and I can see his texts to her)
        OMG how are they all so similar?
        What’s up with the fish dinners? How eerie how this is all so cookie cutter across the globe

        • With my STBX, it’s sushi. I have never cared for it. He enjoys taking Shmoopie and his other ‘flying monkeys’ out and treating them to it. To the tune of 80 to $100 a pop (for lunch, even?)

          Fishy is as fishy does, maybe? LOL.

          • My ex liked to cook and NEVER cooked anything that didn’t have at least 2 lbs of butter in it. It would swim in the stuff. I hope Schmoops likes taking out the seams of those tight dresses!

        • what should I do with all the fresh pasta in the refrigerator that was all set to be brought to Italian schmoopie’s house to impress schmoopie? Wondered why the fascination with fresh pasta all of a sudden In the fridge ! I guess it’s classier than the other dried pasta that does not come in fancy packaging, just a box. It’s so much better for schmoopie, it will impress schmoopie the alley cat….He must have been thinking “only the best for schmoopie, I better give her the fancy gourmet pasta to bring to her house “

        • I couldn’t agree more. When I first came upon this blog I was horrified, and later comforted, by the similarities between everyone’s stories.

    • “Can not function in social situations unless she can find a way to steer the conversation and attention towards herself and must rely on tired jokes and puns if all else fails”

      You would think I stopped spotting new ways they are alike but no, here is another. Narkles the Clown tells the same jokes today as he did 20 years ago. Maybe that’s the real reason they keep finding new AP’s, they’r looking for someone who hasn’t heard their tired jokes before.

      • Yes, so many similarities. UXWorld, that whole description is just perfect.

        “Convinced both men and women look at her with great longing”…this line should be added to the DSM’s diagnostic criteria.

        • Yes, and it also applies to my stbx, who when cross dressing thinks he’s the most seductive person on the planet!

      • My ex also tells the same stories over and over. Esp. when drunk which is all the time since he’s an alcoholic.

        When I wrote a letter to warn his new supply (after the ow was out of the picture) I wrote all these stories down in the letter to her and his ex wife read it and howled with laughter at the truth of it all. She has been divorced from him for 4 years and knew all the stories. And they are all “poor me, I’m the victim here…”

        I give up warning all the new supplies to come. There are too many.

        • Not just the same stories told, but the same sharing of “spiritual” new-agey crap to hook the shmoopie that he used on me (and as I found out later, his first wife as well). He drags around “The Glass is Already Broken” and “Season For a Reason” like his well-worn playbook. Can’t even find new ones.

        • And the timing while telling the stories was the same too; I had the cadence down pat, along with the word-for-word repetitions. Boooooorrrriiiiiinnngggg!

      • Or the same stories of their amazingness that they have told for 35 years. I used to recite them in my head as he was telling. ????

        • Omg my ex too !!!!! He would repeat the same stories over and over….sports analogies. I can see him winning her over with his free personal training sessions and little home workouts (he is a personal trainer…no offence to the good ones, never date a trainer …..constant inflow of hot women becomes hard to resist as your ego blows up ….I guess after 6 years and a fiancé)

          Ps anyone can help me? He left his ipad here since leaving me after I forgive his cheating last year. I can see everything. I can’t stop looking at his texts to her but it throws back my healing….. 🙁 I kept it until his shit got moved out yesterday, and wanted to maybe let go…but now I can’t seem to. I want to see him get dumped by his new gf he just met a few weeks after leaving me. So far she is into him :(. Why did the universe give him a replacement so fast (she is literally me…banker, smart, shy….and he is using all his same tricks) ugh

          • Mine is also a personal trainer, he’s been giving his new girlfriend now wife personal training lessons and she’s entering body building competitions.
            I don’t know her but from what I understand she’s all about her and I know Cheater is all about himself. Makes me wonder how their relationship will play out in the future. My wish is that cheater someday gets what he deserves.

            Until I met Cheater he only wore the color grey, he didn’t celebrate birthday’s, holidays were just another day. I love holidays, and enjoy making birthdays and holidays special, I’m sure she’s benefiting from what cheater learned from me and that she’s getting the polished version of all my years of influence and hard work.

        • Me too!! I can recite his repetitive stories word for word, all about him and his greatness, how he won the war in Desert Storm, he was the best drummer in high school band, sadly, I even know his high school music teacher’s name. Yes, the painfully dumb jokes that he thinks are hysterical, in reality people only laugh at to be polite. His stupid comments to people that he thinks are charming and funny which are dumb and make people feel uncomfortable would make me cringe, even now.

  • I thought the life he chose would result in his being happy. I lived for too many years with someone who always complained about how hard his life was and how much he hated his job.

    One divorce and 8 years of living with the OW and he is still miserable, looks like crap and tells everyone how miserable he is and how he hates his job (after 9 law firms, stop complaining or find something else).

    Oh well, it was all his choice.

      • narc sociopaths love to find out what you like and then they buy that exact same thing for whore alley cat/pussy cat or puddy tat or whatever I feel like calling that narly slut….but I digress….

    • Typical Narcissist. Will NEVER be happy and you will never be able to please a person like this, ever!

  • What I imagined: (Before finding CN, and STBXH saying they had the same personality & amazing chemistry.) Unicorns and rainbows for them.

    What it has been: (we’re almost divorced, he’s been living w her during our separation.) She got fired (they were coworkers), he’s gained significant weight, she’s gained weight (according to his Amazon purchases), she’s been found in contempt of court regarding her losing custody if her daughter, judge ruled he had to pay a healthy amt of temp child support to me, his credit cards are sky high due to spending money on her & her non-custodial daughter. He’s a narcissist…and I’ll bet she is too, due to his remark about having the same personality…bet that’s fun.

  • I hear you on that Cuzchump! While I was working 50 hours a week and taking care of a large home at age 54 fuckwit was enjoying his hobbies and having an affair with his hoeworker. On dday his reason for leaving was so he could “ do what he wants”. I found out later doing what he wanted was hiding money and buying a business with his schmoopie before the divorce was final. POS ????

    • ironbutterfly

      Yes, they hide money with their puddy tat/alley cat whore worker. They even move their stuff over to the whore’s house, live a double life, go on work trips and take the whore along, and they hide money. They always hide money with the whore because they are so sure that the whore is so trustworthy. Yep, I cannot prove it 100 percent but I do know Howorker had a non profit business in our town that I am sure my husband set her up with, she was also his Howorker and I would not be surprised if he owned something with him…With enough investigating I found out that there was a beachhouse being rented in my town when we were newlyweds and guess who lived in it, yes ALLEY CAT pussy cat Howorker ! Wonder why she conveniently moved to my town? Oh, no reason, just to F my husband that’s all

      • I meant to say SHE owned something with him…it was a typo….but come to think of it…maybe She was a man….no only kidding…but she sure wasn’t pretty !

  • What I thought it was :

    What it was: a sham.

    Cheater left in January 2015. We are yet to finalize divorce as we cannot agree on maintenance. I late he has increased his texts requesting ‘reconciliation’ and inquiring about a path ‘back home’. I never reply. I’m happy and oblivious to him. I’d block him but I use the text message to communicate and document.

    I need not dig. One does not request reconciliation via text. This is not him seeing the light. I’ve seen the woman driving her son in his car. He refuses to pay his part of our daughter’s lessons. He won’t agree to enough money so that his children can live comfortably. He’s still spreading his lies. He’s still filled with his own self-importance.

    Why is he messaging? If I had to hazard a guess, I’d say he wants to be able to say that he sought reconciliation but ‘mean ole Mandie101’ refused to hear it. He’ll usually send these messages after the children have had a crying episode saying how much they miss him. Even if I wanted to consider it, the thought that he could do what he did to us a second time and put my children through it is a big decider. One does not walk out on family and if one does, all exits are final. That’s me.

    Meh! Whatever! Call me whatever you want, just stay gone!

    To you new to this inhale the good moments and exhale the bad. Set yourself new goals bi or small ( ice-cream on Saturday, ten push ups, meet up with loved-ones, a good movie.) Make new good memories. You will get there.

    • I agree wholeheartedly anyone who fucks over the family the exit is final! These types of people are GARBAGE!

    • He probably wants a reduction in support payments, or at least to delay them by making you take him back for a bit.

      • Good point.
        As if he could make me take him back! One of his issues was the fact that he had no ‘ control’ over me.

  • What I imagined: her to be thin, blonde and beautiful, to be better than me in every day, for him to finally find happiness that he couldn’t find with me, for him to quit his job, be content with her and her to nicely replace me in the life that I created, for him to learn from his mistakes and become the person I knew he could be but with her because she was better

    What actually happened: she is shorter,fatter, albeit blonder and older than me. They tried to replace me in the life that i created but my kids arent taking to it, mishtress has assaulted him 3 times, she has a daughter so there is never any kind free time, he isnt allowed to drink and she is affecting his career and he is resenting her hardcore. he has come crying back to me over 6 times now, he isnt happy and he will never learn.

    I am focusing on the kids and moved on with a mutual friend (oh he hates that burn) going to new places and learning myself again. I’m not at meh but getting there

    • “he has come crying back to me over 6 times now”

      ha ha – You don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone, because you never thought you would lose it in the first place.

      • Absolutely agree, except that he left me, but he thought I would stick around and give him more kibbles. I exited stage left and just sat back getting the parenting orders and property settlement into place.

        His most recent one, “I’m not going to ask for your forgiveness as I know I have done irreparable things”
        Like no shit Sherlock, don’t waste my oxygen and move on please

  • I actually don’t imagine a happily ever after for them. I don’t even know if cheater wife is even in communication with massage boy. He has a girlfriend his own age.

    Reality is cheater wife trolling bars, clubs, concerts, other women’s husbands…. living a life of being nothing more than an orifice of temporary happiness followed by the sadness of reality. And then repeating.

    • Yep, it sounds like that’s all she is …the grand canyon of orifices…she probably trolls online dating sites which an article that I read said ‘stay away from online dating sites, they are rife with narcissists” Pretty scary.. I think one narcissist is enough for a lifetime…don’t want to ever meet another one. Sure, they are charming, and could be good looking and nice but underneath the mask lies somebody that would be willing to destroy you at all costs, whether financially emotionally, or professionally. Well, that’s what I learned.

  • What I imagined for them: She’s desperate and dumb with low-self esteem or desperate and sly with a plan to get as much as she can out of him. He’s stupid.

    What it really is: The two women are users, don’t think very much of themselves and dumb.

    I never imagined that a woman who knowingly becomes involved with a married man is any kind of awesomeness. She is always a woman with deep-seated issues. A man who cheats? Same thing.

    • Yes, a woman who knowingly becomes involved with a married man is ALWAYS a woman with deep seated issues…..

      What I imagined they had: myriad of kid-free romantic lunches and dinners, weekends and holidays away.

      What it really was:
      Weekends away to all the same places he took me…doing all the same things we did, going to the same restaurants etc…
      But no lovely dinners out in our home city…. because even though I had kicked him out, and she had left her husband, Mr Manipulator was worried about impression management….she had started working for a rival company and he didn’t want people to see them out together….she was not happy! They had been having an affair for 3 years, they had both left their partners and he still wouldn’t go public!!!
      What else she got…..
      An alcoholic…
      She couldn’t trust him….
      She stalked and followed his wife (me) and kids, even followed us out to our Mother’s Day lunch!!!
      She hired a private investigator to watch my house, to see whether MY husband was cheating on her with his own Wife.
      She set up his phone….so that copies of all his email, texts and call logs also went to her phone.
      She used his phone to locate him at all times…
      Whenever he dropped kids off at my house, she would ring and text incessantly, because you know, he’s with his family! She needed to remind that she should be his priority, not his kids..
      She rang my workplace incessantly too (apparently the first thing to do when you can’t find your cheater boyfriend is check to see whether his wife is at work….)
      What else she got….,
      Boyfriend who was addicted to porn, masturbating and unprotected sex with strangers.
      Boyfriend who was also active on multiple online dating sites…
      Boyfriend who cheated on her…..with people he met on Tinder, and another married woman from work…..the human resources manager, (who should know better than to get involved with a senior employee…and what about company policy on workplace relationships??!!)
      Best thing she got????
      by another stupid, already partnered woman who is in awe of Mr Manipulator cheater…
      Me? I got the kids, the house and the dog and I’m well on my way to gaining a life!

    • Yup, I never imagined it would be better. What he got was an idiot woman who has never worked a day in her life, 4 kids from two different fathers. All she wanted from him was to get away from her husband who was supporting her, but cheating on her, and have my idiot move right in and take up that job-and he did. 9 days after leaving me. They now have a kid so she can keep making excuses to never ever contribute anything to society but spreading her legs and popping them out. So now, 5 kids three different baby daddys at like 36.

      He now has two repossessions and a bankruptcy. Can never go anywhere or do anything because…money and supporting 7 kids (child support) on a cops salary instead of having a lovely, faithful, fun lawyer wife, two incomes and only 2 kids (who are all his own!) Yea, never any fantasy about his reality. Now I am just laugh at his stupidity and spineless behavior.

  • What I imagined: Jackass discarding me in order to be with the married hero-worshipping sister of his friend. And, based on her Pinterest pins, a wedding on the beach. Happy ever after, once he broke up her marriage.

    What it was: An actual discard, first of me, then of the MOW, who ended up divorcing and is now in a relationship with someone else after 3 tough years. The next victim is all teed up for a discard. It may take a few years, and it may be more in daily interaction than an actual break up. But to be sure, she will hear the scorn, experience the disdain, see the smirk. And he will be off somewhere texting someone who is either married or who represents a conquest of some sort.

  • When I dumped the cheater, he pulled the “I can do better anyway” card, and announced that he was going to find a sugar mama to spoil him.

    What I imagined he would get: A sexy sophisticated older woman of means who treated him like a pampered boy toy and lavished him with exotic trips, boutique hotels, fine dining, designer clothes, and a generous allowance to live the leisured life.

    What I heard he really got: A middle aged, middle class, average looking woman with a modest divorce settlement who blew it with him on national chain hotel weekends at a tourist beach, dinners at Red Lobster and Olive Garden, shopping for clothes and shoes at J.C. Penney and Macy’s, and who let him sit around her townhouse smoking weed and eating Domino’s delivery pizza during the day while she worked her office job, until the settlement money ran out and she sent him packing to go live with his elderly mother.

    Maybe she was a “Splenda mama”? Sweet, but you know from the first taste that it’s not the real thing. lol

    If I wasn’t no-contact, I’d heckle him mercilessly over his failed attempt at being a 40 year old boy toy.

    • “Splenda mama”? Sweet, but you know from the first taste that it’s not the real thing.

      ‘Splenda mama’ … I love it!!!!! Thanks for the morning chuckle!!

  • He thinks he’s getting a tru luv because she is easy to talk to and validates his complaints about his fat, lazy,stupid, wife. She thinks she’s getting her knight in shining armour . Well quess what ? I’m the common denominator that binds them together. He complains….she follows with I’d NEVER do that to you. They dress up and sneak around and isn’t life great. Wait until she realizes that comes with a price…she can have no opinion ther than his, he makes all the decisions, he will control her life, only his friends and hobbies come first. That he is a prick when he doesn’t get his way. That he controls the money.That making you feel like dirt 24/7 is no reason not to want sex with him. And he will see that she is no prize, 50 lbs heavier than I am , uneducated, low paying job, drinking is her hobby .And when I’m out of the picture they will only have each other for a bond based on infidelity, lies,loss of family.I will be still rocking my “A” game, great job, HIS family on my side, back in school, owning my own house , college age kids living with me.

    • GrayDivorce – they sound like they’re #winning!
      Your story sounds just like mine and we could have told them all this before they made the decision to fuck up their lives. No, grass is not greener – we learned that in kindergarten.
      X is one of the most controlling people most people have ever met, always gets what he goes after, and is a successful business man as a result. (you know, no empathy or feelings underneath all that glitter) I understand Schmoops is a controlling person herself. So, how’s that going for you, Schmoops?

      Since I’ve been no contact, I don’t have a clue what he’s up to but I do know they live together and she has about 4 grandchildren and counting. We never had kids. So, right there…how’s that going for ya now, asshole?

      Me? I have the freedom of a bird and I am flying. It may have taken 5 years to get here, but life is definitely worth having another shot at.

      • husband got even more polished for schmoopie, put her in favorites in 2014, had snoring fixed for schmoopie, was allegedly living with her on the sly at her house, was probably planning the exit strategy of me (wife) and taking care of image management in the process…Him and Mangey dog Howorker were living the dream….Her and her high pitched fake voice was telling him everything he wanted to hear to boost his ego; so that she could get more diamonds; so that she could get into his wallet a little deeper. He was eating it up and waxing his image at work pretending they were just working closely together. It was all working out cuz he had it all under control. They were fooling everyone because she was slipping in and out of the office with her fake consulting business and that made it less noticeable in their eyes. Oh boy ! They had a good thing going ! They were just the best lying cheaters that ever lived. They had their game all polished up. And there was no shame in either of their games !
        Me: I’m glad I don’t have to put up with the friggen deceit and lies anymore. and am glad Karma got the bitch.

  • My cheater ex left me and our autistic son for a multi millionaire. He got a huge house, a Porsche, his own business. What she didn’t know was that he was a serial cheating drunk. I definitely didn’t play the pick me dance – he was all hers. And the karma bus has already rounded the corner.

  • I realized that I don’t care what it really was because someone who could be such a dick can fuck off to Europe all he wants, I’m not sure I’d want to go with him anyway.

    • We had the same issue TwiceaChump. Midway through his junior year, my son was struggling socially and I realized it was because he was gone every other weekend. So I asked my teens if they wanted me to go back to court and request they be let out of the Friday night obligation. Too many missed football and basketball games, hanging out at Starbucks, and other things that teens do. They didn’t want it official so then I told them they could stay home on Friday nights if they wanted but they’d have to tell their dad why. Notice I didn’t say ask, I said tell. I’ve been in the courtroom enough times to know the judge would never force my teenage kids to skip school and social events to go sit around dad’s house 30 miles away. And I’m not required to kick them out of my house either. So it’d be an issue between the kids and their dad and a judge and I knew he’d never win if he ever chose to pursue it. This approached opened up the whole weekend to events that they’d been skipping because they didn’t want to bother him or make him angry though it was making them sad and distanced from their friends (many tears shed over instagram and Snapchat photos of friends having fun without them). With this approach, they’ve had a lot more opportunities to live a normal teenage life.

  • What I imagine: we’ll she’s quite a bit younger than me and I don’t think she has my problems with cancer, and with a chump to do the heavy lifting at home, despite us having started out in an almost identical place career-wise, he was able to focus on his career during our decades-long marriage, with the result that his salary is several times what mine is, so things look pretty good for them. Flaws can be overlooked given enough money, I imagine. Maybe she can overlook how he smacks his lips and chews with his mouth open when he eats, or how he tends to douse himself with an eye-watering amount of cologne.
    What it is: it is too soon after D-Day for anything to have gone sour and I haven’t heard about anything tarnishing their bright future together, but someday maybe. They both are serial cheaters so perhaps the karma bus is warming up its engine.

    • What they have already lost is human decency, the moment they cheated. The apparent sweetness was sour from the beginning and they didn’t even notice! Hang in there, awesome woman. Their bus is coming.

    • intothelight
      Don’t worry the Karma bus will round the corner, and hit them when they least expect it !’
      I know what you mean about the money because the Howorker was obviously so good at manipulating my manipulative husband that I knew that she hit the jackpot with my husband because he was so handsome, very successful and she was after the good life and the money. He was easy on the eyes and she went for it. And yes, the money would make their life together super fabulous because they worked together and she knew exactly how much he earned and she was being made successful with his brains helping her behind the scenes. But all in the name of stomping over me and deceiving me. But guess what , he ended up dying and the whore never saw that dream of having my the Karma bus got her ! Yep ! I think it drove over her and then backed up and ran over her again…OR maybe the part about her being run over twice was just my fantasy !! LOL No but seriously, her little scheme backfired on her when he died. So wait for it…wait for it….the karma bus will get there eventually.

  • I cant believe how similar the cheaters are, Ironbutterfly. This could have been my ex-ass.
    I imagine they have a perfect union of dinner, truly meaningful conversations and supported by her grown kids looking on admiring their love and wisdom in getting rid of their exes.
    In reality all his promises still unmet, dinners and holidays paid for by her salary, conversations ruled by his loudmouth entitled opinions and my kids on the outside waiting for some attention from their father.
    Some things just dont change. Trust that they suck!

  • What I imagined would happen: fastest divorce ever, cheater and schmoops married and on an over the top honeymoon before the ink on the decree was even dry, they throw sparkly champagne parties in their showy mansion with their private chef forevermore, I am homeless and hungry and die on a park bench under an autumn maple tree somewhere, grateful to the end for the beauty of an October tree in its full flaming glory. My children party in chez cheater, clinking crystal flutes even as leaves drift down, landing softly on my poor unnoticed corp

    What has happened so far: no divorce yet, two more years of the schmoops who yearns for a wedding waiting for cheater to come through as her youth slips away and spinsterhood threatens, life as the unwilling hypotenuse to the triangle they apparently require continues, miraculously got myself back into the professional world, the kids find the whole cheater deal deeply repulsive, and that transcendent happiness the cheaters were supposedly sneaking around and snatching in every available shadowy moment seems not to have made an easy transition into the light of day.

    Still lots to worry about–settlement, finality, whether I will be solvent and have my home–but what is up with those two is no longer of interest. Figuring out how entirely the cheater is spun of lies and assorted narcissistic to sociopathic characteristics and strategies was key in helping me get past the stage of thinking that I must be inherently unlovable. Turns out that, nope, the real deal is that cheater is inherently incapable of love.

    So, even if the park bench thing is my fate (probably not, but even if), and even if the cheaters have that seemingly perfect wedding/honeymoon/house (pretty likely, eventually), I now understand that I got the far better end of this deal.

    • I’m sure there are plenty of people in CN who would let you couch surf in their home for a few days Cashmere

    • Absolutely perfection of writing this! And you wanting your kids to be happy and you grateful for the magnificent beauty of a maple tree on a fall day. Chumps find beauty and happiness in the every day things. Cheaters need more and more of sparkly to fill the empty void that is their life. Who dies happy in this scenario? Surprisingly for us who have been gutted, it’s not the cheater. They are full of misery and blame for why their not getting theirs.

    • that transcendent happiness the cheaters were supposedly sneaking around and snatching in every available shadowy moment seems not to have made an easy transition into the light of day

      Is this a universal truth, or what?

      Even when the cheaters marry and hang in with each other, it sure seems as if the losses of both the hypotenuse and the need for secrecy immediately degrade the twu wuv so it doesn’t seem quite as twu.

      I thought I was losing a difficult, yet upstanding, unique, and committed partner. What I really lost was a flaming narcissist with the emotional maturity of a four-year-old.

      I thought the OW was a sexual siren who knew the secret to making my ex-husband feel loved, when I realized I hadn’t a clue. What she really was was an frumpy, middle-aged, insecure serial cheater with an unfortunate resemblance to John Goodman who was desperate to find a new husband before she got too old.

      She thought she’d found the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. (“We can finish each other’s sentences!” “You’re my Prince Charming!”) What she really found was a flaming narcissist with the emotional maturity of a four-year-old.

      • champchump
        LOL John Goodman ! NOT even Roseanne ! LOL Love it !
        Well Hoser Howorker was so botoxed up and filler’ed up in the face that she had what I call plate face …she was really living it . I imagine my marital assets paid for her to be ‘well fed’ heifer, along with her beauty treatments (Juvaderm or whatever to maintain that big buffalo face) that were all being supplied with marital assets. And don’t forget that big broad ass that she managed to sling over the back of his motorcycle’s one of his many toys. OH YES, she just must have loved and showed an interest in every single hobby and thing he liked to do. YOU KNOW that made her look soooo special because she pretended to be so agreeable and likeable because she Fake liked all the same interests as my husband. The big heifer that she was. Now I know why my husband’s biceps got stronger, it was because he had to Life and Throw that big heifer on the bed and into the air ! It must have been like Cirque du soleil ! Him and the Big job Howorker ! That f’ed up bullshit ‘relationship’ what a crock !

      • John Goodman! That’s very funny! Why do they all seem to downgrade? My stbxh’s married f-buddy looks like donkey from Shrek, if you gave donkey from Shrek beady eyes. She’s incredibly homely.

    • Oh cashmere
      You had me laughing. So eloquently and brilliantly said. Not the part about your corpse on the bench but all the other stuff you said. Loved the part about the old ho waiting in the wings or words to that effect. Yes, the old HO will wait with baited breath for married prince cheating, probably bragging to her mom about he man of her dreams about to dump his wife for her ! I imagine that they got engaged on valentines night last year and she was sporting the ring in a youtube video a week after he died, the video dropped on youtube. Interesting how she had ‘no boyfriend to be engaged to’ yet she had on a band of diamonds AND she dropped that video after he died. Hmmm. So who was she engaged to ? AND the ring was exactly the same ring I got for my birthday. So what just happened here? Well, he got me a ring then he bought her the exact ring for valentines day (while I worked on valentines day) and the he became her fiancé ! Well I would not have believed it if I had not seen the ring in the video (she makes videos for her job, the old fake skank) the videos are just a front, I am convinced that she services married execs at corporations…
      She was hitting the jackpot…the narcisstic pot of gold

      • Who the fuck would marry a known cheater???? I don’t get it. Women out there seem to be so desperate and will try to steal someone’s husband and then expect to marry them?? Life as a chump has been extremely difficult but I would never stoop so low as the OW did. Not to let the STBX off the hook but as a woman to another woman in our mid sixties, who the fuck would do that???

        • islandgirl
          then why do so many of them marry the OW and it’s usually a howorker, why do they marry them right away after their exit plan gets executed? Also, I will never get over it, nor will I ever wrap my head around why a howorker will pursue the married guy, that wears his ring everyday and has his wifes pic on his desk (me) and knowingly interfere with a marriage just because she is a lonely pathetic slut that a) wants my life b) wants to F my husband and made it her business to do so because 1) she wants money 2) he looks good 3) she knows how much he makes because she ‘works’ there 4) he has a stable job and could provide for her narly ass 5) if she sucks it good enough, she figured she could win him over (or as she put it in a work email “I’m going to dive deep” ) sorry but that’s just pretending that they are talking about spreadsheets….yeah F NO to the HO, I have spent time going thru the ‘work’ emails that they tried to use their crafty little work speak, and as a woman I figured it out. She was trying to own his ass. I think it got to the point where I (wife) was becoming the OW and that big company whore was his ‘wife”…because she sure as hell knew she had him wrapped around her fingers….all because I am sure she envisioned a nice life complete with all that his earnings could offer….and what I imagined was her freakish off the chain skills excised his brain….because dicky was obviously his brain ….anyway…I’m with you. What kind of a skank HO would want to marry a guy that is lying and deceiving his wife to screw her ugly ass… seriously…and she then wants to marry him? That old HO’s been doing that routine of screwing married men Waaaaay too long. That was not her first rodeo obviously. I wish she would die next In fact it probably would have been better if she died instead….then I would get to see if he shed a droplet of a crocodile tear !
          Maybe Karma will get her yet?

  • Oh, I could have a field day with this but I can’t really unpick my good work of processing what a lying shit he was… I’m on my way to meh!

    Suffice to say everything he painted was false, inaccurate or unbelievable! My anger has turned to pity. She is welcome to him. No money, no home,no business, in debt, not seeing his kids, was living in a caravan in her parents back garden in the back of beyond…. That’s what happens when you use people then get found out. It backfires and it’s one step away from homelessness. Without her gullibility he’d be on the streets or living with his mother!

    I got the house, the kids and my own money repaying back to me. Other woman got a (now successful) business (that I paid for) and third little fool got a turd that she now has to babysit.

  • What she thought she was getting: a handsome, rugged, romantic whose just never found the right one. A kind soul who has been down on his luck in love and life, but fights to keep moving forward and meet the her, the woman he’s been waiting for. He’s her knight in shining armor.

    What she’s getting: a still married to his first wife (something he lied about to me – we were never married, just an 8 yr LTR), narcissistic sociopath who is still sleeping with half the Eastern Seaboard and not a penny to his name despite saying he does. His lies have cost him numerous jobs, friendships, and relationships with family members. The absolute worst part is he never sees his 4 boys. Those wonderful kids don’t deserve his pathetic lying ass as a father.

    Regularly attempted to keep the lines of communication open with me until I made it abundantly clear I hoped he got hit by a train. Choo choo mf’er.

  • What I imagined: My (Ex) husband whisking away a leggy babe to a sun-soaked paradise. Blissfully happy without me…the ol’ ball and chain.

    What it is: A woman who wears face makeup like a clown (think Mimi off the Drew Carey Show) with two small children and a crazy ex husband of her own. Lots of working (since she’s a night shift nurse) and he only gets to see her a few weeks out of the year since my Ex works overseas for months at a time.

    Hardly the fantasy that my mind built it up to be. If you just in the thick of this from DDay fall out, trust me it will get easier down the road.

  • What I imagined him to have. Lots of amazing sex with younger sexier women.
    What he actually has lots of meaningless sex with tinder hookups and prostitutes.

    Really though he just has a life (Thanks to my restraint) that he’s quite happy with. Good luck to him. I’m living my life my way and am quite happy with it too. … that Meh?

  • What I thought ….. she must be beautiful, in terrific shape, so much better than me in all ways. He did say she kept herself in good shape, went on long bike rides etc, he does not exercise. I envisioned an athletic beauty.

    What she is……….. frumpy, way older looking than me though she is several years younger, resembles a leathery chicken with big orange glasses. Wore ugly unsuitable clothes to MIL’s funeral where I finally had to see her from as far away as possible. Looks like a life long smoker and is skinny with hacked off hair. I used to joke about her being trailer trash but that is what she really looks like.

    All I could think was OMG what is he thinking !! Not that I am gorgeous or anything and I am a little chunky. He did tell me she has had a hard life so he must feel like a knight in shining armour rescuing her from her sad life. I hope they are happy in their adulterous life style since they are both still married to their spouses which apparently is alright in their minds.

    • A leathery chicken with big orange glasses? HAHAHAHA!

      What ARE they thinking?? Seems as if none of these adulterous relationships are destined to end well…

  • What I thought it was: that what he said was true, that I was negative and critical and broken and unattractive and not worth his energy. Also my desire for monogamy was stifling.

    What it actually was: I set reasonable boundaries and was intolerant when they weren’t respected, especially when he pretended to honor them on the surface, then snuck around secretly doing something different (the negative part.)

    I expressed my intolerance by naming specific behaviors and evidence, refusing to be gaslighted and saying it wasn’t acceptable for him to lie and sneak (the critical part.)

    I have a traumatic history and I am emotionally fragile when I discover I am being betrayed or abused, which means I cry, a lot (the broken part.)

    I’m not as pretty as a model, skinny as a model, 15 years old or younger, or a person he has not met before (the unattractive part).

    I do think it is reasonable to want my partner to want to spend some time with me and enjoy sex with me, and that’s a completely reasonable expectation of a healthy relationship (the not worth his energy part.)

    And, finally, monogamy is a totally reasonable desire and some heterosexual cisgender men actually do want to live like that. Wanting monogamy is not an unsophisticated failure. It’s practical and reasonable. It also opens up certain specific emotional doors that can’t completely open in any other relationship structure, doors that I find important in sustaining a healthy relationship long term. I don’t have to apologize for wanting it or justify wanting it. I only have to let it be a deal breaker as I use my new picker to assess relationships going forward.

    • @Amiisfree- Word for word, this describes what I have been through and am still going through with my STBX. I nearly fell off my sofa reading it. Thank you for putting this so beautifully, and for giving me hope for the future. Big hugs to you <3

      • ???????????????????? Rightbackatchya, Friend! It took many years of therapy to get here. Anything I can pay forward is a joy to me. ????

  • What I thought it was—– a remorseful husband after his affair was discovered. Marriage counseling, trips, loving behavior. A man becoming a better husband and person.

    What it was — a man that was lying and continuing his affair. A man that daily lied and betrayed me while telling me he would never hurt me again.

    • same here chumpchick…after 9 months of this circle I finally took steps this week to end it… best wishes to you

    • Same here, ChumpChick. He left the kids and I 25 years ago for his married other woman. She cheated on HIM (go figure, she was married when they started their over 2 year long affair), so he came crawling back. I thought that he came to his senses and would never cheat again. He stopped for 5 MONTHS before he started right back into his cheating ways. Many unexplained sexual health issues for me over the years: STDs (which he tried to blame me for !WTF!), yeast and bladder infections. Devaluing, anger and alcoholism. May I please have some more spackle? Now I am waiting for the results of my latest STD screening. Fuckwit never felt like he needed to use a condom. Apparently his golden penis is immune to disease. Thank you for playing Russian Roulette with my life with your Craiglist M4M hookups, you selfish, entitled bastard.

  • What I imagined: STBX would become the most amazing, loving, kind person for the married howorker and she would reap all the rewards that I was holding out for.

    What it actually is: STBX hasn’t changed one bit. He is still an entitled, selfish loser pretending to be the poor little victim. She has to live with the sad sausage now. Ahahaha.

    Been there, done that. Never, EVER again ????

    • Yep. This is exactly my ex and his whore. He’s already lying to her, hiding things from her. Glad he’s not my problem anymore. He hasn’t changed one bit.

    • Yup, Aussie! For me, CL’s most valuable words of wisdom—adopted as my own personal mantra—are “Trust that they suck”!

      The proverbial sparkly turd is still a turd.

  • What I imagined:
    He would find happiness when the Flying Whore found out I divorced him, she would leave her husband and move here to be with her twu wuv. After all that horrible thing, AllOutofKibble, wasn’t standing in the way anymore, making everyone miserable. They would fly all over the world working together in exotic locations, making big money.

    What is:
    The Flying Whore still hasn’t left her rich husband and huge house. He can’t make ends meet with his old line of work since he must be present to parent now that the wife appliance isn’t there to watch the kid all the time. He still travels to meet the Flying Whore but not as much as before. After being on public assistance for a year he found work in the service industry where the pay is good but there are no benefits. I met his boss and I can tell she is the new woman in his life. I also met her boyfriend.

  • She thought she was getting a man who had a military retirement, his own successful business and tons of money for romancing and doing expensive things…..what she actually got was half his military retirement, he lost his business because their affair was ILLEGAL, she also lost her job because of it… chump here gets about half his monthly income and they have very little….including the job that brought them together…OH and they argue constantly and their romance is on again off again ALL the time… plus narc cheater is not allowed to be around her 4 yr old so their stolen time together is very limited…. they both live in the basement of their original homes and have to find places to meet….

    I just smile….while I sit here with his money, the kids and a grandchild on the way…happy family here

    • forgot… I thought they would live happily ever after with all the money we had worked 28 yrs to achieve while I was poor and lonely

      • 28yrchump, it’s not HIS money, it’s YOUR money. You earned every penny you’re getting, and don’t you forget that, honey!

  • What he thought: That he would marry me. Own me. And then scare me into keeping my mouth shut while he collected women and lived single with my income.

    What it looked like: Nonstop party alcohol and women. Vacations. Everyone smiling and happy.

    Reality: He used our marital money for his partying and vacations and single while married life. He cannot afford our lifestyle without me and he hates me for it. He’s struggling to keep all our things that he used to attract the shallow stupid whores. The life he was offering to other women was dependant on me sticking around. Without the wife, the thrill of staying out all night and being bad is gone. Now he’s just a regular 40 year old Peter Pan waking up on some losers couch the next day and no one gives a shit. Those amazing funny sexy perfect whores that he traded me for…
    ????????hello? ????????whores?????????where’d you go? I thought you had a special bond. He needs your money for the dock slip before the end of the month. ????

  • What I imagine – happily ever after for my stbxh and his married donkey face ho, because they have “so much in common”, and he is so gloriously happily in love with her.

    What will probably happen – he will lose this new job, when it gets too hard, and he stops doing the work he is paid to do (a 30 year pattern). She will never leave her Chumpy husband, which will prolong the excitement of sneaking around for her, but not for him. She will look more and more like a donkey as gravity gets ahold of that nose. His belly will get bigger, he will continue to drink himself to sleep every night, and the viagra will stop working. When his viagra stops working, he will blame her for it. I hope I’m at meh by then.

      • @islandgirl – he actually blames me for his need for viagra! Shouted it at me. I was shocked by the rage of it, but it made me finally believe in my soul that I couldn’t believe anything that came out of his mouth. He is truly ridiculous!

  • What the AP thought she was getting: a savvy business man with piles of money and a life of traveling and partying.
    What she really got: a un-educated broke-ass middle-aged loser with a heart condition (from using drugs)who burned all his business bridges
    and can’t afford to go anywhere. (stuck in a third-world country, he’s currently trying to sell the last piece of property he has to get a heart
    transplant in Nicaragua). I wouldn’t know all this except I still have friends there.
    What I got: a life free of fuckery, a business that I completely turned around (he neglected) and made very profitable, and a Very Nice Man (finally!).

  • Imagined: fabulous passionate soul mate relationship between late 40s high earning boss and 16 year younger MOW he promoted to become his junior partner while I melt away into a soggy lump of bitterness and ugly middle age.

    Reality: high earner pays huge alimony for 24 year ruined marriage, child support and education expenses and has borrowed money from now divorced OW. OW eats her stress, drinks and drugs with the partying crowd often going out at night when Dad has the kids, nonstop complaining from both about the unfairness of me. OW deals with teenagers who loath her and worries that she won’t be able to have children because he says they can’t afford them yet while ex has secretly had his nuts cut and has not told her because “she would dump him if she knew” effectively squandering her fertile years without her knowledge.
    As for my reality? Decided to work really hard to become a certified Yoga teacher to help others dealing with traumas to find inner strength and peace. Gained fit body, mind and spirit, happy children, a beautiful flower garden, well trained protective dog and fell in love with a fellow chump who has matching baggage and integrity and who makes spending time with family, expressing gratitude and demonstrating respect to all his top priorities. Life is good on the other side!!!

    • He never told her he that he got snipped and she thinks they are going to try for babies and her bio clock is alarming? woa…imagine how betrayed she will feel someday when she learns the truth. Sucks to be her.

  • Hearing OW was 20 years younger than him (18 younger than me), I thought she must be drop dead gorgeous. Reality is she’s not. She looks like a child, and she’s nothing to write home about.

  • What SHE thought she was getting: My life

    What HE thought he was getting: His existing life, just with a girlfriend plugged in, and they were going to play happy family with my kids

    What is really happening: My eldest knows too much and never wants to meet her. Says he would like to “poison” her if he does, or punch her in the face. Happy families! Ex lives in a crappy little apartment, realizing he doesn’t make enough money to support the lifestyle he wants. Yells at me and tells me I’m a nasty capitalist, then threatens to take half of everything. Takes the kids out for an afternoon and his girlfriend is posting photos of the same place at the same time, so she’s creeping around following them while he’s on dad duty. Nothing weird at all going on there.

    Me? I’m hanging in, doing the adult dull shit, but I know my kids, I love my kids, and I’m here for them. Some days are worse than others, but I know things will be okay on my end eventually. I’m doing the work to get better and be better.

  • What I thought he was getting: A woman who loved him more than me. A life full of family, friends and happiness that far exceeded what we had.

    What he really got: An ordinary looking woman who sags in all the wrong places, who wanted financial stability (not love), no friends from OUR shared life, their families don’t live close, their children will never respect them and just an otherwise ordinary life. Nothing special. They gained NOTHING and lost everything.

  • What I imagined life would be like after divorce: Being a very family oriented person, I wondered if holidays would forever be marred by the empty chair around the Christmas tree/ “family” vacations that no longer contained a family/days of solitude/ the pitying looks from other parents as I show up alone to school functions.

    What I actually got: a life where I mentally shout “Alleluia” every morning upon waking to a day free of emotional abuse or the need to cater to a curmudgeonly, critical control freak/the highest quality friends imaginable/the return of my exuberance so that I take delight in conversations and small things (like the momentary joy shared with the barista that “Flashdance” on the radio was brightening both our mornings).

    • It’s so amazing how our lives are filled with joy when the downbeat person finally goes away! My Ex insisted on sulking in the bedroom with the TV on all the time, and never turned a hand to enjoy his family.

      Life is sooo much better when there is light and laughter in it.

    • YES!!! I was envisioning completely having to re-do traditions with my daughter and enduring pitiful glances from neighbors…turns out nothing much changed (except now I have to mow the lawn) because, as I discovered, he wasn’t involved in ANY of our traditions…it was always just me and her without him decorating for Christmas and going to the pumpkin patch and getting a tree, etc. As for the pitiful glances, people have been rad. My neighbor has helped me with little things around the house and most folks are super enthusiastic about my new life.

  • What I thought cheater was: A poor tortured soul, who kept getting hit with bad luck. Where life never gave him any breaks, how he was a decent person like me, with integrity and someone who wanted to grow with a partner, but just couldn’t get ahead in life.

    What the cheater really was: A certified loser with bad judgment, who was unappreciative of all the blessings in his life. Someone who would drag anyone down if you associated with him in any way. Someone who was a moron, with no common sense, and a total failure, who would deliberately remain a failure for the rest of his life. You can’t fix ignorant.

    • YES. Drama follows my ex around because he invites it into his life with his bad choices. I am SO GLAD to be free of that existance! Have fun, whore!

      • Mine too, I was always having to sort out his latest crisis/fiasco/meltdown because of his bad choices. Hope she’s enjoying that now. They’re back in the States now and I have a sneaky feeling the Americans won’t be so forgiving of his constant drink driving/drunk accidents or getting physically thrown out of a bar for pouring a pint of beer over a woman’s head. I am SO GLAD that’s not my worry any more. I was terrified I would lose my home because someone would take us to court for x, y, z.

    • Kelli, you just perfectly described my XH!!! I don’t even need to write my own post now because you just said it all!

  • It’s the same…it’s exactly the same!

    I had visions of him doing for her all of the things that he wouldn’t do for me. Didn’t happen. That relationship ended, I can only speculate why. But every now and then I check in to see what he’s doing, the same way I found him out…and he’s exactly the same person living the same boring pathetic life where all he really cares/talks about are cars, cellphones and video games.

    Good riddance.

    • My ex tried to Hoover me back 2 x since his breakup. Why did they breakup? She dumped his ass for the EXACT SAME REASONS that I did. I did warn her.

      He’s an alcoholic man-baby who uses you for your money, time and adoration and wants you to raise his two horribly behaved children, clean his house and have sex on demand. And plus, he’s a narcissistic psychopath.

      I love that she dumped him for the same reasons that I did. Plus she was depressed because she was just started her separation and custody court stuff with her husband. Say what? He was sleeping with a married woman? No way. He didn’t get along with her kids? He lived in her big mansion and didn’t contribute a dime? She babysat has boys while they broke everything in her house and told her to fuck off daily.

      Depressed? Who would have thunk it.

      And now within 1 week of their final dday he’s with someone new who looks like a mix between me and his ex wife? (She looked completely different from us.) Sounds like karma is hitting them all over. Like a double dose.

  • What I fantasized she was getting: the man he pretended to be when I fell for him – strong, considerate, ethical (HAHA), pragmatic, responsible, attentive, and completely and totally in love and eager to make a life with me. A guy who would be a partner in parenting, a man who would help

    What she got: the “man” he really is underneath all his secrets; a sexually repressed, selfish man with latent, unexamined homosexual urges who – after two years – now sleeps in the spare room they turned into a bar (sons confirmed) and gives her a two-month, silent treatment when she has the gall to ask why he is on homosexual porn sites during the days he’s supposed to be looking for a full-time job.

    I owe that skank a thank you note for getting him out of my life! 🙂

  • At D day, I was told that she was amazing because she ate vegetables for breakfast and was good at her job (that she got fired from because she was a vendor and he was a government purchaser). His narrative of his tragic life surely included getting married too young (I FORCED him, you see) and me being so involved with mothering that I didnt care for his needs anymore.

    They played house in SF for much of an 18 month period when he claimed he was working far away but we were wreckonciled.

    I imagine her dragging him to nail appts and telling him to sit and wait until she was done…the $39,000 ring from her actual fiance sparkling while she reminded him he would have to replace it with something bigger. She might have possibly been on the recieving end of one of his emotionally violent rages which his actually family knew to shield themselves from.

    In the end, he returned home to his family and lived a life of passive resentment until he died. She married her fiance, had 2 kids, divorced and now lives the life she tried so hard to push me into.

    Im happily married to a man the first husband would have hated. Im cultivating a worldwide reputation in my area of expertise and really enjoying life – and I will never, ever eat vegetables for breakfast.

  • For years I imagined that cheater ex took the kids to the same Christmas tree farm that we went to every year and had a great time playing hide and go seek between the trees like we always did. I found out this past year that they never went there again. So sad the destruction these people create.

    • My ex took new supply on our promised vacation to great wolf lodge. I imagined them flirting voraciously by the poolside with drinks and him admiring her thin blonde body. Them sneaking up to their room for some hot sex while the kids played at the arcade. I cried the whole weekend they were gone, picturing this in my head feeling so betrayed.

      Reality: She goes yearly for her birthday to great wolf lodge, they fought the whole time because his boys are horrible to take anywhere and she begged to leave early but because they took one vehicle he refused. She was trapped crying to come home. He wrecked her birthday (as he did mine and all other holidays and all the kids got a front row seat)

      Bonus content: I ended up taking my kids and my mom two months later and we had a blast. All my mom and I could say is: isn’t this a much better vacation without that asshole and his kids to ruin it? I would have been run ragged chasing all the kids while he sat like a king drinking his beer completely oblivious….

      • Yep I’m treading water atm. I figure as long as I’m not going backwards emotionally, spiritually or financially I’m doing ok.

  • Ok. I may need y’all’s help on this one.

    Ex was actually pretty good at adulating for many years. He did a lot around the house. I tried to help out as much as I could because I didn’t want him to have to do everything and I also wanted him to have time to relax, preferably with me. When I took on more chores, however, he just found other things that needed doing. Eventually I found myself running ragged. I simply couldn’t keep up and I decided that I needed to take a break now and again or we would both burn out. Then there was also the fact that I didn’t do everything as perfectly as he did so he was never satisfied with my performance when I did help out. I used to tell people that his only fault was that he was nearly perfect and so couldn’t understand why the rest of the world wasn’t perfect (which I now recognize as lack of empathy).

    Despite my efforts to help out, he eventually came to resent having to do more than his fair share. It didn’t matter that he was never asked to do so much, he did it so that things could be the way he wanted them to be. At some point (I now believe it was around the time that he started up with Schmoopie 1.0) he went on strike and stopped doing much of anything around the house. I did my best to pick up the slack without complaint, but of course I didn’t do it all as well as he used to do it.

    Meanwhile, Schmoopie was always a stay at home mom so she knows how to run a household as she never had to do anything else. That’s her talent (that and fucking other people’s husbands). I can’t help but imagine that she knows how to do everything as perfectly as he did and that’s why he is so attracted to her. Maybe she really is a better lay too because she makes more noise and is willing to have butt sex and possibly other weird positions I found painful. Her fashion sense also seems to be more in line with his, so she dresses more to his satisfaction (in spite of my many efforts over the years to get that right). She is everything I wasn’t. I have my good points too. I am actually quite an accomplished woman really and not unattractive, but my good points were simply never a priority for ex and her good points are.

    I can’t help thinking that perhaps we really were just a mismatch and he really will be happier with her. If that is true, however then why did he ever marry me in the first place? Why did he seem happy to be my husband for so many years. Yes he complained about my faults sometimes which is why I tried so hard to improve, but he also gave me cards with sweet messages telling me how great I was, how lucky he was to be my husband and saying things like “please be mine forever”. He made his choice when he married me. He must have thought I had my good qualities at the time and he had an obligation to be happy with his choice unless I abused him in some way (which I never did). Other than being older and wiser, I am pretty much the same person I was when he married me. If anything I improved over the years by trying to learn to please him. I keep trying to tell myself that maybe she will eventually not measure up in some way either, but right now it just doesn’t seem like it. Maybe you all can tell me what is really going on in their relationship.

    • Oh yes, and her ex was also a confirmed cheater and possibly and abusive alcoholic as well so she may well think my ex is an upgrade compared to that.

      • Chump in recovery, sorry this is so long but my ex narc sounds very similar to yours. I wanted to share in case it might help you. I was with him 30 years. During that time I tried very hard not to disappoint him and to be the person that made him proud. He told me he imagined us growing old together. He could see himself pulling up to the driveway, seeing me in the garden with smudges of dirt on my face and a cut on my knee. He told me that is why he loved me.

        I tried to insert some of my wishes into our life, he found a “replacement appliance”. He said we grew apart, married too young … same NPD excuses. He married his coworker immediately after our divorce. The similarity of underlying calculated control is eerie in the Julia Roberts movie “Sleeping With The Enemy”. It made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up.

        I hear the same insecurity in your questions that I used to have. Please know most NPD’s transfer their own insecurities etc onto you, the “appliance”, by subtle criticisms, control, manipulations etc. They are great studies of your insecurities, i.e. what will keep you controlled.

        My ex found someone with similar traits that he could control. In his mind he has recreated the life he had with me but like someone else here said its “Splenda” one taste and you know its not real. She means nothing to him, she is a means to an end.

        I thought he found what he wished I could have been and I that I had let us down. I thought they will have the beautiful retirement traveling, living in a beautiful house, having a family with my children and my grandchildren that I worked so hard for and will never have now.

        But what they have is a false life, it looks great on the outside but on the inside it is cold, lonely and claustrophobic. She is a pawn being used. If she figures out she isn’t “special” she will be faced with the choice to continue being ME (lol) or leave. He will never face that HE is the one who doesn’t live up to expectations. He will keep looking for “Splenda mamas” to replace the meaning and feeling that I created.

        What I have is freedom. I now understand I might not have meant anything to the narc but the meaning and emotion I created in our life was real to him. He cannot replace the authenticity, although he tries. My life now can be a bit daunting sometimes but the happiness and love is authentic and real.

        “Dum spiro spero” – “While I breathe, I hope”

    • What she thought she got – the perfect man, who keeps an immaculate house, whose “incompetent” ex-wife just couldn’t get things right.

      What she got – a narcissist that is never satisfied. A man whose life is defined by control – control of himself, control of his spouse, control of the relationship, control of his environment. He keeps moving the targets and doing “more more more” so that he can keep being the martyr in the relationship. She is never able to relax, never able to just slob around in sweatpants and recharge with a novel, because it’s not worth the stress of listening to his unending criticism. She isn’t a person, she is an accessory in his dollhouse.

      What you got – freedom to breathe, freedom to decide what you think is important, freedom to focus your energy on more important things than ironing the finger towels correctly.

      • My ex narc psychopath hated when I read a book. He took it as a personal insult that I would rather read a book than watch him watch tv.

        If I even attempted to sit in the couch and read he would literally lay down and put his head in my lap so I would have to move my book.
        Then he would do everything to distract me.

        It got to the point where I would have to pat his hair with his head on my lap, if I want to read.

        Relishing the days of reading now cheater free….

        • I like reading too and ex also added that to his list of resentments in the end because I was doing that instead of giving him my attention. Really though, what else was I supposed to do while I was waiting and waiting and waiting for him to come to bed when he was up late doing god knows what I now wonder.

        • What’s up with the book reading and Narcissists being opposed to it. My mom is a Malignant Narcissist and would detest it when I’d read books. She’d be completely opposed to it and would make fun of me. “What, you’re reading again! How dare you waste your time on those stupid books you’re reading.” I was reading 7 habits by Steve Covey, or Deepak Chopra. These Narcs are seriously wacked in the head. Never met a bunch of crazy freaks.

          • I think this is a thing. Narc husband always criticized me for being “book smart”. Because he isnt… and somehow that means I’m not street smart which is what’s actually important according to him. Which means I heard 5 million times that I’m smart but so fucking stupid in life. He convinced me that there’s no way i could get my doctorate. We went to marriage counseling and the first session hes convincing the therapist that i can’t get my doctorate because I have too many things I need to do so i will wind up failing at all of them. Therapist says maybe you do have too many goals. Umm that was my only goal. He already told me we can’t have a baby. What else is there to do without a family.
            Same as you all… Sitting to read meant I was lazy and he would hold it against me. Disgusted looks. Nasty texts the next day if I didn’t mow the lawn or wash my car or break a sweat. “What did you do yesterday? Oh that’s right. NOTHING!” In 10 years I’ve never had a day where I did nothing. Even with the flu I ordered him dinner.

            Although things are shit right now, I feel like I was released from slavery. I got done working today and I put on my comfy clothes (not allowed), ruined my manicure (not allowed), and planted rows and rows of carrots. I think I’ll go to the book store later. Thanks for reminding me you guys ????????????????????????

            • I am a bookworm too but since I have a really long commute, part of it on the bus, I do get a lot of reading done. I’m not sure the Twat could even read, but he hated me reading too I think because it made him feel inferior. Well everything made him feel inferior so he had to take it out on me (Borderline Personality Disorder anyone). He liked to watch documentaries on TV so he could fall asleep in front of them – apparently that made him an “intellectual”. Or he would buy expensive wine and then drink two bottles in one sitting – so apparently he was a wine connoisseur too. Gosh, if only I had realized what a gem Schmoopy was getting!

          • My high school world history teacher thought I had a passion for European history. No, I found my mom’s historical romances hidden in the back of her closet. Even “bad” books have some redeeming qualities.

            My ex used to go to my book club meetings with me. I’d read the books and give him the executive summary, and he’d offer his masculine insight to the group as if he’d read them. I think he got off on being the only man in the group.

        • OMG about the reading! Thought it was only my cheater asshole who hated when I read a book! I even remember replying at one point “you’re right, what kind of bad behavior am I showing my children? I’ll stop reading immediately”! What an ass! So happy to be free of that!

          • Reading diverts blood flow from your uterus to your brain, potentially rendering you unwomanly. ????

          • I think its because they fear smart people, because smart people figure things out and their existence is all about scamming people- they get pleasure knowing they are getting away with something behind your back. It’s a high for them.

            • Or they feel inferior. My cheater ex-FIL once told me that I needed to tone down my intelligence around my husband, because “the dumber partner doesn’t like it when you are smarter than they are.” WTF

        • Mine mentioned my love of reading too when we got into fights about why he cheated And me liking to take walks! Jerks!

          • I got a shouted accusation, “You just like to sit there and read!”

            I know my face was stunned. I remember being confused and saying, “Well, yes. I do.”


        • I have a kitty that does that, but she’s cute. And she doesn’t mind being a “book rest”, as long as she gets head pats. 😀

      • Thanks for the reminder. That definitely helps. The first part is likely true, the last part is definitely true. Meanwhile she keeps him on a short leash in return. She is smarter than I was that way. Right now he takes it as “she cares”, but someday that collar is bound to chafe a bit.

      • Oh my god, my ex was the same. He hated it when I would read a book. He would keep track of how much time I spent reading during the day. It didn’t matter that the chores were done and he was just watching – and I shit you not, The Weather Channel for hours- he acted insulted that I would read a book.

        He also hated it when we would read something at the same time and I would always finish much, much faster then he did. My one super power and he had to piss all over it.

    • Dr. Cheaterpants was a neat freak too. He wasn’t lazy. He even hung up his dirty dry cleaning and I would haul them into the cleaners and watch them snicker about it. A perfectionist. Poor lil you, just couldn’t live up to it now could you? I’m not exactly a slob but I do have a stack of kids/school stuff on my kitchen counter, a junk drawer, an unused bedroom where random shit goes to perch until I can deal with it. Don’t even get me started on my Christmas mess. He would all but be in tears over the clutter.

      Never mind that I worked full time, more hours than him. I did the majority of kids stuff. And I really didn’t want to spend all my free time scrubbing the underneath of a cabinet so that our home was spotless.

      He was high maintenance, needy, and OCD. A narc of a different flavor than some others have here. But a narc none the less. He was a martyr narc (okay I made up that term), but really that’s what he was. He never did things I wanted to do. Never found things I liked as important.

      I think it’s a control freak thing. And you couldn’t measure up. Can you imagine the two of them together trying to out do each other?

      I’m happy with my life now. If I want to leave a glass in the sink and watch TV, I do. My life is so peaceful!!

      • Our exes must have been clones. That all sounds so familiar. When he first suggested counseling (before I knew about any of his schmoopie’s), I tried to tactfully suggest that his perfectionism be on the discussion list. That sure didn’t go over well. “why should I have to lower my standards to please you?” Ouch!

        I also had the junk drawer. He hated it.

      • Holy cow Twice, my Dr Cheaterpants was also a complete neat freak. He would carefully inspect the cutlery that I had hand washed and if they didn’t pass muster he would contemptuously throw them back into the sink, to be done again. I wasn’t allowed a dishwasher in the dream house we were building as he didn’t feel they “did the job properly”. I managed to get one installed by insisting that it was required for resale value. This is the house I paid for half of, just by the by and I actually work longer hours than X. He walked out the day after the mortgage was paid off.

        What I thought was going to happen: I’d be forced out of the dream house, with no $$$, no friends to live a grey, lonely existence where nothing ever happened. He and gorgeous schmoopie would party it up large and be the toast of the town, since he can be a charming bastard to the outside world. I thought I’d be a pariah, the idiot who managed to lose a high-earning dashing man.

        What is actually happening: He hasn’t paid any $$$, so I’m still in the dream house. He’s paying for a rental across town. He wants “his” house back but can’t manage to adult with the bank despite his income. I’m free of a manipulative user. I’m deeply involved in the community via work, music and charities and have met loads of people who seem to like me for me (I never had time for this before since I was busy re-washing cutlery). The house is a slightly organised pigsty and I run the dishwasher EVERY DAY. People generally think he’s a sad bastard for what he’s done. His 25 year old Schmoopie is spending thousands re-training to be a personal trainer (she was broke, so I’m hazarding a guess that he’s paying for this) and enjoys making sugar free treats for the two of them. Despite her profession, friends and colleagues report back to me that she looks “interesting” and not at all like she works out. My STBXH has managed to lose a high-earning, dashing woman.

    • There will be something else he doesn’t like about her. Also, she’ll never be able to keep house *exactly* how he likes it, and he’ll resent her for that, because why the hell did he blow up his marriage, if not for the perfect housekeeper? Meanwhile, she prides herself on her housekeeping, so she’ll take his judgment and dissatisfaction far more personally, because how dare he say she’s imperfect at this – this is her specialty.

      Expect 5,983 arguments about how the other is Doing It Wrong when it comes to how to load a dishwasher or mop a floor.

    • My analysis: he is confused and immature, and he set you up to fail him, whether he realizes it or not. He sucks at adult communication. You can’t be “good enough” for a person who pre-decided to perceive you as a failure.

      That complicated shit sandwich is not worth your energy.

      • THIS. Like playing a game of cards, where only he knows the rules and can see your cards, but you can’t see his.

    • @Chumpinrecovery – What’s really going on in their relationship is the exact idealize, devalue, and discard pattern of covert narcissistic abuse that you experienced at the hands of your ex husband, who sounds like a masterful manipulator indeed. He moved the goalposts on you, with criticisms of your work and odd one-upmanship of you in the home, “running you ragged,” then suddenly not doing the work anymore BUT not ever engaging in any good faith discussions about this with you, before discarding you and making you think his happiness was your responsibility. Meanwhile, ZERO of your emotional needs were being met. Mine was the same. Very subtle manipulations, sulking, silent treatment, acting happy, acting like a “Good Husband” in front of the rest of the world, but privately a hellion. Yours found a vulnerable, low emotional IQ abused woman who he could exploit and make her think it’s all her fault. You and I are mighty for being abandoned by shady characters like this— they knew we could not be exploited anymore and had to move on to easier targets.

  • What I imagined: they turn into business partners, she has lifetime job security because she’s fucking the owner, they never have to deal with combined 7 kids, and I’m on the street with nothing, She would have my life, my money, my everything. Btw she’s older than I am and looks like a dirty pillowcase.

    What happened: she got dumped and fired and he put everything in my name. (Once his secret was out, the bloom was off the fuck-my-direct-report rose). Really. Tax reasons and not wanting her to possibly sue the company. She didn’t. Then 2 businesses sold and I got 2 unexpected windfalls. She now has 3 jobs, still married to her bs/original I’m and i live far away from where that shit happened and I’m all kinds of good.


    What I imagined: She was thinking about me and decided to buy me something to show me I was special to her.

    What was real: Gifting me to assuage her guilt from fucking someone else.


    What I imagined: They were living the high life in APs camper, enjoying the trailer park community, beautiful scenery, great sex and YES Salmon Tracy.

    What was real: She was spiraling in debt, while sexting/cheating on the dimwit downgrade she’s with. His problem now.

    • I have heard about Steak Diane, but not Salmon Tracy. I’m imaging the sauce has capers. Served with tiny zucchini and a side “honeymoon salad” (lettuce alone).

      • You know what? Salmon Tracy sounds great! Definitely with a capers sauce and baby tricolor carrots and zucchini blossoms! It could be the signature dish for Dumping the Cheater!

  • What I imagined: meeting the man of her dreams (thanks Facebook).Her running off every week for a romantic weekend to a guy who adored her and made her feel special. They went places, did exciting things, and were so in love.

    What is was: A dramatic high school level relationship full of drama. Constant fights over his unwillingness to leave his wife and his constant jealousy of….me!? (go figure). They never went anywhere or did anything. That was an argument too.

    My STBXW is no longer with him but don’t worry she is on every dating app in existence looking for her next willing victim.

  • So true as always!

    In the Pick Me Dance I thought he was a superman and my W said he was taller and stronger and…………well months later now when I see his FB photos (in other words the best he can show) he’s really getting fat and not muscular at all (and he’s 10 years younger than me) and I met him so I know he isn’t taller.

    He’s also an idiot. e.g. he confessed to my W that he drove his car into a wall ‘cos he was busy checking texts on his mobile. Then tried to con her into sending him money as the car was a right-off. My W trusts him so much she sent one of her enablers around to check and no nothing wrong with him and just superficial damage to the car. But she still sent him money (huh?)

    So yeah what a great relationship! No trust already between them. My W has to beg and beg to get any affection from him in their long-distance A (yes I’m spying and no I don’t care). He loves her so much she had to buy him a flight to drag him over for the summer as life’s so “difficult” for him there.

    I actually feel pity for her as she’s more the chump in this than me. I’m getting myself back together. Lost weight. Fitter. Cool new beard (what others have told me) and looking forward to meeting someone new one day, but first need to look after my kids as their mum is of course still AWOL in la-la-land

    • Trust.

      What she thought she was getting: a family man who was handsome and charming, his boys were his world, looking for a partner in crime.

      What she got: a letter from me telling her he is a cheating asshole and I am getting tested for stds. He is a horrible father and stepfather and really a horrible person all around.

      Epilogue: after she dumped him 6 months later, he hoovered me and I asked him how he explained the std testing. He said she asked if it was “going to be a problem”? His response: “you trust me, don’t you.” Because. You know. She TRUSTS him.
      Me: “barf. Plus she is dumber than I thought….”

      • From your Canada reference I have to add that I reckon that my oldest daughter (now 9) is finally figuring out that things aren’t Disney perfect at home.

        I’m one of those many “fake Canadians”, who survived a few winters to get the citizenship then for some reason went back to Europe (actually I do know, it was my cheating wife who has “bored” yet again and wanted another change of scenery). My oldest D asked me today on the way to school “why we left Canada?”, which is where she was born (and she identifies herself as a Canadian) and I really had no answer whatsoever.

  • You know that movie her with Scarlett Johansson? That is what all these relationships are. Weird computer programs that spend all day texting and sexting and getting people hooked. The reality is that they are doing it with a ton of people because that is what they do. There is nothing special or real about any of it.

  • What I imagined: Cheater and OW spending a lovely Christmas with their toddler and my son at ex in-law’s home. Everyone would fawn over the kids, OW would put on her best mask, ex and OW would leave the kids with ex in-laws and go on romantic dates to the city, and no one would care that I had ever existed.

    What it was: Neither ex not OW were willing to spend Christmas with each other’s families, so they traveled to different states, split up the kids (my son went with ex, toddler went with OW), sulked though the holiday, and ex in-laws raised their eyebrows about this odd arrangement with a woman they never approved of anyway.

  • So my daughter says every time she is with her dad it is in her words “The Dad Show”. I asked her what she meant and she said she took her boyfriend to meet him at happy hour and all her dad did was talk about himself and never asked one question of my daughter and boyfriend. I asked if dads whore talked about herself also. She said no she just talked about dad. She is hurt because they use to be close. He never asks about her or her life. So he’s become no one anyone recognizes. I wonder when fuckwit and his whore will run out of material?

  • In my case I image what SHE thinks she got. Keep in mind this smoopsie came in the picture after I filed for divorce. I actually feel kind of bad for her, because I know she’s getting the same false mask I did, and she’s falling for it too.

    She imagines/ what she got.

    There must be something wrong with ex wife if She would divorce such a genuinely nice, giving, and polite guy. / Bullies rely on social norms and politeness to shield themselves from the consequences of their actions. The most successful bullies carefully tread the line to ensure they do not go too far as to have their victim break politeness and speak up. They use intermittent reinforcement, as their abuse is usually mixed in with periodic affection and acts of kindness at unpredictable moments.

    It must have been ex wife’s lack of white picket fences in childhood that caused good guy to cheat (I’ve heard that narrative a million times, so I know she has too). / Abusers use tactics to exert power and control over their victims, painting them as crazy or lacking in some capacity. Vulnerabilities are used as emotional blackmail; contexts are twisted to put the responsibility for their own bad behavior onto the other person, i.e. they drove me to do the bad things I did. They use their own bad behavior as a defensive strategy that can be explained away by painting themselves as the victim.

    The poor cheater was in a sexless marriage (lie) and that’s why he had to retain the services of sex workers … awe, poor guy/ I doubt he’s been honest about his hooker habit, but who knows? He has a way of making himself the perpetual victim. His penis didn’t get enough attention in the 5 hours a day he spent surfing porn and hook-up sites. She got someone who sees women as objects for his pleasure, and she’s just the face of normal for his double life.

    His sudden involvement in our kids lives after 16 years, boy he is a great dad! (Barf). Oh look, he is visible at any event that would make him look like dad of the year! / Too bad he doesn’t participate in the non accolade parts of their lives: doctors appointments, homework, heartbreak; you know, the real work of parenting. If it’s not worthy of Disneyland dad Facebook posts, eh, he can’t be bothered. But boy, he does look like dad of the year on social media… must be true right! She got someone that is really good at impressions, but really bad a real! If it looks good on the surface, who cares what’s really going on underneath.

    She left a cheater for another cheater. She obviously never found CL

    • If she was cheated on and then knowingly got together with another cheater, she really has no one but herself to blame.

      • I don’t agree. I think she probably doesn’t believe she deserves anything better. We’ve all made bad choices based on spackle. This person left a cheater without realising her own chumpiness clearly enough to make different choices, which is so so easy to do.

  • What I imagined: he will respect her so much more than me. She’s more beautiful, more confident. They will live a happy ever after and spent their weekends hiking together.

    What it will be: he respects her so much he has decided never to learn her mother tongue (Dutch). He told me she lacks empathy and humor. He also told me she has more wrinkles. He’s still the king of disparagement. She will probably never live with him, because well, no job, his paperwork not done, etc.

  • What Ex told me: Her kids understand their relationship and are ok with it.

    What my daughter told me: Her oldest still at home did not take his parents divorce well and started doing drugs.

  • What I imagined (for my ex-husband and my ex-boyfriend): Living in a big, beautiful, clean house near/overlooking the beach maintained by a housekeeper in a safe, desirable, very expensive neighborhood, riding off into the sunset in an expensive, clean car to fine dining, massages, four-star hotels in exotic locales with lots of time for rest and relaxation with friends and no child-rearing responsibilities. Plus off the chart ‘look deep into your partner’s adoring eyes’ sex round the clock with young, slim, fit, unencumbered, highly educated, wealthy women. The partners get crappy character underneath a sparkly veneer.

    The reality for them and their partners: What I imagined (minus the off the chart sex of a certain type I don’t feel comfortable describing here which ex-boyfriend can never deliver as certain body parts cannot be changed.

    The reality for me: I lost an adulterous, abusive husband who cheated on, lied to, insulted and abused me and others repeatedly in various sick ways. I lost a passive-aggressive, conflict avoidant boyfriend who lied to, gaslit, insulted, tried to control me over little things (which drinks I carry on rides, whether I wear lipstick or not on rides) I could never understand. Neither loved me; neither respected me; neither appreciated me. As some people here say, perhaps the trash took itself out this year!

    • You are FREE! Go create your life. Don’t look back, there’s nothing there.
      Never again love someone more than you love yourself. Xxx

      • Thanks, LetItSnow. I guess officially I am free. Oddly, I stayed for the mistreatment by my last partner (post-separarion boyfriend) and would still be with him if given a choice, most likely even if he continued to emotionally hurt me). Not mighty.

  • What I imagine: His family welcomes her with open arms because they think she is awesome.

    Reality: They put up with her presence because it is the only way they can keep a relationship with their son/brother/nephew and they still need him to help out with things now and again.

    • This is me, too. I agonized over my inlaws accepting new supply. They welcomed me and my kids with open arms. My MIL and i used to hot tub and renovate together. My fil and I cut deer and did Xmas shopping together. I loved them dearly. I cried and cried at the thought of them doing the same with new supply.

      Reality: they know what ex (their son) is. They know his show that he puts on for new women and as a result pretends to be a better dad to his kids. As in, no drinking and driving with the boys and forcibly shaving their heads.
      They breathe a big sigh of relief when a new supply waltzes in and “helps” him function in life, otherwise they have to do it. And it’s tiring.

      I am pissed at them because they knew what he was and didn’t protect me. They kind of tried. But they knew he was cheating. They raised the dysfunction. They can have him and new supplies. Tear are now dried. Assholes.

  • Mine thought he would move away with the lurve of his life to the place that he had always wanted to live, lots of stinking cold mountains and wind AND that he and I would be friends so he could participate in the family things that I planned. Well, I shut that shit down the day before he loaded up his Uhaul and told him that NO I DO NOT WANT TO BE FRIENDS WITH YOU FOR THE ‘SAKE’ OF THE KIDS. Knowing that our only communication will be in emails. But he forgot, all that energy and bustle that made our family lively came from me. He sat there and read or watched TV and read. So I think of his life like Prince Edward and Wallace Simpson, they have been shunned. Kids don’t call. Youngest goes to see him only because he comes to collect and store her stuff from college over the summer. She sticks around for a week. Once she graduates, that will be that. And now he will be left with dumb as a post schmoopie, a house behind a used car lot and a little rat dog, in this shitty ass town in the middle of nowhere.

    And me, NO CONTACT baby. The best thing I have ever done. In fact, I found that I had a lot of these people in my life. They are gone too… and I don’t miss any of them one little bit.

    • It was also important to me that I cut out all the users, gossips and hanger-ons from my life, and there were many of them. X loved to have all kinds of groupies/”hero worshippers” hanging around him; they made him feel important. How I do not miss them. At all. He needed them to regale them with his wonderful accomplishments and spectacular deeds. Barf. I am loving the peace and quiet!

  • What I’ve imagined for Snakeface and Spiritual Slut: more of what they had during the last years he was married to me, which were long walks at the local arboretum (which started when he sneaked MY PASS for our FAMILY membership out of my wallet and gave it to her, I’m 99% sure of it); more time out with their darling, supportive, protective,beloved mutual friends; and more time on the rez in South Dakota for sweats and other ceremonies because their spiritual lives are soooooo important to them.

    They probably have all that, but I hope Spiritual Slut’s new life also includes the same excessive number of hours Snakeface spends in the bathroom with his laptop each week, soaking in the tub while jerking off to porn.

  • I never thought about POP having it better when he was no longer with me.

    I know it probably isn’t possible. There aren’t many single women out there with what I have and had shared with him. After throwing him out by way of eviction (we weren’t married), he went from a beautiful custom built home on a large acreage, pool, stable and horses, 3 luxury vehicles at his disposal and much more —- to the homeless shelter with only his clothes on his back.

    All of his much loved pricey possessions were lost in a pennies on the dollar non payment for storage unit sale.

    When it came to my attention that he was on Match (where we had met), I contacted their administration and filled them in about his history or alcohol abuse and physical abuse of me and his former wife; and his predatory history of living off of and using women. They believed me and banned him from all their associated dating sites immediately. His bazarre for finding his harem went out of business.

    I have no idea where he is now or what he is doing. I just hope he’s not causing another woman the kind of pain and misery he brought me and all the others before me.

    (POP= Predatory Opportunistic Parasite)

    • Hesatthecurb…..hahahaha! This is now my favorite bedtime story! And he did NOT live happily ever after!

      • Hey NMSB—I don’t come around here often anymore….good to hear from you!

        Yes, I think his entire life of being a shit hook has finally caught up with him. His brother told me he cheated on his very first girl friend at age 14 and it continued throughout his entire life. He’ll be 61 next month. He’s a very handsome man but if that’s all he got, it’s not going to get him anywhere these days.

    • Is it bad of me to laugh at this? I’m sorry for the pain he caused you but you had me at “the homeless shelter with only the clothes on his back.” I’m sorry but that is divine.

    • Hesatthecurb,

      That is f*cking brilliant ! I had no idea you could tip off a dating web site and have somebody banned for being such an asshole !

      Kudos !

  • What I imagine:
    Our Life 2.0. That he will just slide into his new life, like nothing ever happened. Everything we had together, but better. Nicer home with a garage for all of his hobbies, more money, less responsibility, and a partner that will always make him the center of attention, and be ready and willing to go anywhere and do anything.

    Likely Reality:
    Chaos. He’s moving from a child-free home to one with 3 school-aged kids. He’s not going to be the center of anyone’s attention. He gets frustrated and lashes out at the slightest of stressors, or if he feels that he’s being ignored, kids aren’t exactly stress-free. A larger home will feel smaller when it need to accommodate everyone’s hobbies and stuff, not just his. He’s gong to be expected to at least attend some of the children’s events, I wonder how that will work out when it conflicts with his precious events? More Money? Not likely. we split finances right down the middle, even when I was earning much less than him. Our accounts were separate, so he had a lot of freedom to spend as he wished (even while I was struggling). There was no “household income” just his money, and mine. Although he always claimed the he paid the lions-share, (as I discovered in financial discovery) it wasn’t true at all. I can’t imagine his new schmoopie would be thrilled with that arrangement. I wish I was a fly on the wall.

    • Imagine: Oh yeah, and he’s finally happy, because apparently I was the only thing that was dragging him down.

      Reality: he’s still not happy because he never really dealt with with what was really dragging him down.

  • My imagination: He was getting a new, happy life with his stripper, a beautiful girl with dead eyes, who happens to be 35 (yep) years younger than me. All heads turn wherever they go. Presumably the hottest fuck ever with no pesky expectations that he might actually practice adulting instead of just talking about it.

    His reality: She doesn’t take care of her cat and their tiny condo is smelly and gravelly with cat litter. She goes home from her strip bar with other men and he is not surprised or upset even. When she is home she mostly sleeps. Nobody cooks. He spends his free time doing whatever labor, maintenance, moving tasks, etc. are needed by her enormous extended family. Oh, and the sex was better with me. In fact, everything was better with me. How do I know? His email got through — gmail blocking instructions did not work.

  • This is not happening for me. She is his elitist dream girl; their story reads like erotica from The New Yorker. Yes, they are shitty people, but the narrative is pretty darn threatening.

    • I will say this though. I suspect she thinks he is all that and “the next big thing.” But let me tell you: He is about to turn 40 with no real job. His “career” and lifestyle are financed by his mother. He is balding. No amount of jogging is going to solve that double-chin.

      And her? She’s a serial cheater who went after a married man with a child. I guess that makes her trash regardless of accent or pedigree.

          • Yup, they both got a cheater, no matter how good their lifestyle looks from the outside. When the sparkledust wears off, neither one of them should trust the other; they each know what the other is capable of. Imagine having to live with that all day everyday. Be glad that’s not your reality.

      • She got a fad, balding, middle aged man-baby. Don’t sound so great from here. You’re better off.

      • Sounds like the sandpaper of reality is working on the balsa wood of their love as we speak.

    • Or so it looks like on the outside. In short, its bullshit.

      That shit-facade doesn’t last long – and it will be all the more glorious when it smashes into a million pieces.

  • Looked like: The two of them ended up with full time jobs at my place of work (I left when he wanted to apply, since my managerial but-x status meant all experience with him losing jobs elsewhere was biased): they got a house together to raise her kids. they moved south and had a baby. Happy couple looked like, while I was living in my Dad’s basement, working full time and doing a 100 mile commute to graduate school.

    Was like: He got fired from the place I’d left. She quit in a huff. She’d found that job for him and kept trying to do that while he went from place to low-paid place. She was cooler than me, since Ok with his smoking pot and just not Ok with the cocaine. They moved to south because her family could support them. Their baby turned out to be autistic. He killed himself in a car crash with his whole family in the passengers and back seats. So she got to tell everybody they were rear ended (with her arm in a cast); when the newspaper said he made a left hand turn into on-coming traffic. She still stands by his memory. Now I am the one with a graduate degree from Ivy League college, full time job, windows, respect and my own house with my rules and my friends. I pray for her, when I’m in the right mood but that is it.

    • Marsy…WOW! That is just sad. Me, well I would not pray for her. I could ONLY pray for the autistic child. The fact that she can not tell the truth for her deceased son? Maybe be enraged at your ex’s cowardice. Oh my god…

  • The first few years of separation, I imagined that he found the “trophy” partner he always wanted. She would be very pretty and just so much fun. She would always do all the things he needed to be happy and he would be making her very happy. They would be having the life I wanted and never feel lonely or out of sorts.

    What was the reality? Well, for the most part I have been no contact, so can only piece together what it is likely like from comments of my kids and my sister-in-law. He has lived with several different women. They have on the most part been women who had no resources and he could play their saviour, until his demands to have things his way became too much for them. He also cheated on them and this usually eventually came out. One son said his dad had found some of the most unattractive women, both on the outside and the inside, that it amazed him because appearances were always what counted most to his dad.

    I no longer have an interest in what happens with my XH. I think I have let that feeling show because no-one talks about him anymore with me. It is like he was never in my life and I am happy with it that way.

    I now only look back on this history as a learning experience. I was an expert spackler for 33 years and now see people and situations with clarity. I have clear boundaries and have become skillful at maintaining them without hurting other people. My life is totally different than it was as a married woman. I am stronger and much happier.

  • What I imagined it was for x and ow: enthusiastic sex and affection, her replacing me while pretending his mask was real, laughing at his jokes and put downs, working together on their sobriety.

    What I imagined it would be for me: quiet and grief and loneliness.

    What I saw after I moved out: he moved her in after I left but didn’t let her move in, just enough clothes to get by. The house they both said they loved was sold as part of the divorce, although x could have easily refinanced and made the payments. They broke up at some point a year after divorce.

    What I found for me: Blessed quiet. Deeper friendships than I realized who helped me leave, divorce, and recover. Found my voice singing. Found my art by doing. Found that I can see through many manipulations now. Found a wonderful cat afraid of dogs and then found a wonderful dog that gets along with the cat. Found a wonderful place to live a few blocks from the center of my small town and surrounded by green and blooming trees.

  • What I thought (in winter/spring 2015): That he chose her (16 years younger, tall, brunette, lived at home with her daddy, loved to smoke pot and drink, hates kids — we have 4) because I was (all the things he accused me of that “made” him leave me and kids for her:

    I was “too competent” “too conservative” “sober” “family focused” “old” “too critical of him” “didn’t make his life comfortable enough” “too materialistic because I wanted our life with the house in the suburbs with a good public school for our 4 kids” “not a good communicator” “was not satisfied” “made him feel inadequate”. . . and, “didn’t buy him the right kind of chair to sit in in the living room!”

    After GTFO day three years ago this week when he permanently abandoned all parental responsibilities (for instance, he saw our kids 5 hours total in the month of April at restaurant meals and shopping trips to mall), I imagined them living a 30 year old no kid lifestyle (he’s 50!) in a luxurious downtown apartment with sweeping views of the city and no maintenance or yard duties (they were renting); jet setting around the world (they visited 3 continents in two years); having delicious meals and relaxing drinks at romantic little restaurants near their apartment; laughing and partying high and drunk with other free-spirited and rich young urban professionals while X pretended to fit in and ignore his reality (such a cliche).

    What I now know:
    He sucks.
    He is a serial life-long liar and cheater, narcissist, BPD, sociopathic user.
    He screams at her. She screams at him — a lot!
    He is miserable and stressed out 24/7.
    He brought himself into that relationship and has already cheated on her and is always trying to find new sources of narcissistic supply (kibbles).
    He is much fatter now, his eyes are yellow, his teeth are even yellower and grayer than ever.
    He smokes now and his breathe and car and clothes smell TERRIBLE.
    He has lost all fitness — cannot run or hike and is too sick from drugs and drink and smoking to workout (we used to lift 3x a week, do HIIT, run half-marathons.)
    The kids literally despise him and tell him every chance they get.
    Viagra doesn’t even reliably work for him — the little herpified- diseased thing stays limp even with 2 blue pills.

    She sucks.
    She’s just using X until she finishes professional school and has sucked him dry of his money and connections.
    She told my kids she is “dating” her law school classmates even though she lives with X.
    She is the most selfish, inept person I’ve ever known of (hates kids? doesn’t believe in marriage? hates animals? cannot even boil water without causing a fire? WTF??????)

    My life is wonderful! Meh is wonderful!

    • Ah ha ha, it was so much fun reading what kind of loser her really is! These cheaters think they are all that, but it’s funny how they can’t adult whatsoever when they are on their own. It’s one bad decision after another. Have fun buddy! I’m so glad you are at meh and are living a wonderful future! Hugs to you.

  • What I thought it would be..

    They were doing all the things he wanted to do with me……I imiganed they were cycling, buying a beautiful home, my kids would abandon me, he spend his money buying her gifts…

    What it really is….he’s spending his money on cars, sitting at a casino getting drunk, while she’s on his lap with his hand between her legs. Going to free local cramped beaches full of rocks with a warning not to go in the water because of the high bacteria. Getting evicted as the house was condemned. Renting a crappy house for twice the cost of s morgage. Losing business and picking up crap on the side of the road to sell on Craig’s list to pay the bills. Having to cater to a lap dog and toddler when he had total independence. Sitting in the house with the shades closed. The dream girl is borderline, rages at the drop of a hat. Her cooking spicy food he can’t eat.
    The adult children planning their escape on holidays before they visit. Best of all the fantasy, the bubble burst. Two cheaters who suck and belong together.

    • OMFG… picking up roadside junk and trying to sell it on Craigslist? I’ve heard it all now! ????????????


    • Picking up roadside junk……yeppers, he had plenty of experience after picking up the roadside slut! Good to see he is the CEO of his own company now!

  • What I thought it was- nothing. I was told it wasn’t happening even though it was and had been for a long time. When I did find out, I thought it was because I was a horrible person who drove him into the arms of someone who understood him and met his needs. I thought that the ow must be pretty amazing to have a married father leave his child and pregnant wife for her.
    What it really was:
    A man child who clung onto the first person who fed his narc needs while pregnant wife was too distracted with toddler son and first trimester ickies.
    It was two desperate assholes who cared nothing of the ramifications their actions had caused, putting my and my unborn child’s health at risk, as well as culturing an uncomfortable work environment for their colleagues. When the secret became unbearable, both of their jobs were threatened so the ow filed a sexual harassment claim to save her job and reputation (as the company bike). So once again the children and I are suffering the consequences of their actions. Having said that- it liberates me from the false belief that we had to depend on him for financial reasons. Now I’m more employable than him with job opportunities lined up. Here’s to new beginnings without the bricks weighing us down, keeping us from our full potential. So what it really was? It was the unveiling of the true nature of narcissists and an open door to a new found Independence and a chance to discover my true self.

  • According to my son, OW seems to think that spaghetti with tomato ketchup poured over it is a meal – I think it’s her take on spaghetti alla marinara!

    • OMG! All of the Italian mothers are rolling over in their graves screaming “quelle puttane!”

  • What she thought she got was a very successful, funny all around great guy. Outgoing fun to be with and doing family stuff.

    What she got was unemployed because work found out about the affair, grumpy, moody, OCD about cleaning and always pissed at something guy who yells a lot even at her young kids. But hey everyone says he is a great guy

    • Ain’t this the truth. On the surface my ex looks like he’s got all the stuff, but in reality he’s a boring, arrogant, selfish, controlling, sports-watching addict who can hardly get it up. Whoever snags him next is in for a special treat.

  • What I thought it was: He, with his newly-minted degree (that he got while I supported him) and his fancy new programmer job, was off with some new, better girl to spend money on her and finally be the Man in Charge in the relationship — something he could never be with me due to his low self esteem (which I caused, apparently, with my awesomeness) and his allergies to working and paying for things. He’d finally found a girl who let him be The Man by *not* showering him with expensive gifts and vacations or supporting him while he played in numerous failed bands and got a degree.

    What it is: He’s shacked up with a woman 25 years older than he, in a dumpy house about a block from where I live. They used to work together (such a cliche). She’s obnoxious and not particularly well educated from what I can tell, but she is just like me in some other ways: liberal, animal lover, empath. And he’s cheating on her, two years into their relationship. I know because one of his extracurricular targets saw some red flags and sleuthed me out on FB. I told her everything.

    While it was sad to see that his current GF is going to get run over by the dump truck (discard truck?) just like I did (and she has no place of her own, no money, no good job etc.), it’s satisfying to know that she wasn’t the holy grail. She, too, has some imagined failings that give Asshat the excuse/entitlement he needs to tell his sad-sausage story to any girl who will listen and possibly give him a sympathy lay. Pathetic.

  • I can tell the story of my ex’s father. He ran off with his secretary half his age, had a baby, abandoning his wife of 30 years and young adult children. Soon after the secretary developed an ‘online shopping addiction’ (poor dear, she needs help!), literally filled his house from floor to ceiling with boxes full of $80,000 of random household goods ordered online, then ran off with some guy from the video store. So two divorces, alimonies, child supports, and an online shopping addiction later, ex-FIL goes bankrupt, loses his medical practice and now at age 78 can’t afford to retire. Wife 3 accuse him of stealing money. He now goes from family member to family member, buys them lavish gifts and then with a hangdog look and then begs for money. Of course all this happened after I married my own ex. My own ex is now doing his best to follow in his father’s footsteps and apparently can’t connect the dots.

  • I never really idealized the OW because honestly none of them are great or special. It’s all about kibbles and that is clear. Not to brag but I’m a very accomplished, attractive, intelligent woman and my STBX’s standards for kibbles dispensers is/are shockingly low. Of course that messed with my head in other ways, because he risked, got caught, and blew up my life for some really non-impressive women, and that’s even putting aside their obvious lack of morals.

    When we’d get in fights, usually when he was drunk, he would say he could do better, get a 25 yr old supermodel, fill our house and hot tub with Playboy bunnies, blah blah. It hurt at the time. He can, not because he’s God’s gift to women like he thinks, but because he’s wealthy and flaunts it and we live in probably the most shallow big city in America.

    But the reality? He’s miserable and lonely. Still texts me nearly every day, despite lack of response. Says no one can compare to me, he screwed up, he’s miserable, blah blah. None of the OW have been upgraded to girlfriend status. He partied hard for the first month or so until that got old. He’s just a sad, demented, lonely, insecure, aging man. And I am free and no longer cry all the time. I’m sure in time he’ll move on but so far, his fantasys have not come true. And when he does date he’ll have to worry if he’s ever loved for him, since I met him before his wild success. I don’t want him to be miserable, but his actions created this for him.

    • What I thought: Loved my husband. Made him my life. Encouraged golf trips. As long as he was happy I was happy.

      What happened: They were trips with OW. OW had her girlfriend call me and tell me about the affair of 2+ years. That imploded everything. We are now getting divorced. He has a new girlfriend. Looks totally hard rode and hung up wet. Can’t imagine why he would want something liked that instead of me. I still love him dearly but don’t know who he is anymore.

    • I met mine before his wild success. I got a lawyer after he moved in with coworker 25 years younger.
      He told me that I got with him all those years ago to take him for everything now! Yeah. We started with next to nothing but I knew I’d take him later! Lol. I’m such the planner, you know.
      It was more like: I helped him get all his toys and camper and motorcycles and drones and race boat and camera – then he dumped me when gold digger scoped him out at work. Stupid me had no hobbies – focused on our daughter, mainly.

    • I’m glad to hear I’ll stop being so upset about this one of these days. Thanks for that.

  • What I thought: she must be amazing and vastly superior to me in every was because why else would you blow up a 23 year marriage and abandon your kid and terrific life?

    What actually happened: Have no common friends so he knows nothing about my life. Our daughter changed her last name to my maiden name and 5 years later she still refuses to have anything to do with his now slut wife. X complains to my now college age daughter once a week about alimony payments and child support, and still believes I am the source of all his problems. He complains that he can’t keep living “double life” because daughter refuses to have any interaction with slut. Funny since he had no trouble living double life for years while he was cheating.

    Me: So happy! I have an amazing relationship with my daughter, I have a wonderful job that I absolutely love, and I have a set of fantastic friends. I have time for myself and my fur children. It has been a complete blessing he is gone. I thank the Lord and CN for getting me through the last 5 years and helping me get to meh :). For those of you in the early stages – hang in there. Everything really does get much better in time.

    • Yes! I love how things ended up for you. I’m seeing more and more of this for myself. Life looks bright and great.

    • So happy for you. 🙂 Funny how they want tbe double life on their terms. Not the terms that are consequences for their stupidity.

  • What they thought it would be: A continuation of their 4 year long affair at work where OW reported to Cheater CEO and so he took her on fabulous trips (“business conventions”), paid for lavish dinners and entertainment (“expense account”) stayed in Ritz Hotels (again, expense account) and frankly probably got off on knowing that I (Cheater’s wife of 37 years) and his daughter also worked for this company so OW and Cheater got to really enjoy the MindFunking wonderfulness of their affair right under our noses.
    What it was: They both got caught, company hired big attorneys to investigate them both, they got fired, publicly humiliated, and CHeater lost his career and reputation and very lucrative big salary. SO now they are going to pretend for a while that they are still so very special (4 ski trips to Vail and Salt Lake City since January) but by my calculations, the money will run out in a year or so. Now Cheater is convinced that OW is not a Gold DIgger and loved him for his wonderfulness but she is a twice divorced, serial adulterer with tight dressed and much silicon who entered the company bragging that she intended to “marry up.” LOL. Joke is on her if she think a ruined former CEO with no career prospects is “marrying up.’

    So yes, it hurts. It hurts big time. But is there anyone out there besides Cheater who thinks this is true love? First thing this woman ever said to me is “OMG do you know how much Cheater’s Porsche is worth? I am going to get him to let me drive it.” Dream bigger honey. World peace maybe or an end to cancer. If your dream is to drive a Porsche, you have I guess achieved that. But you are a shallow Gold Digger who just scored an even shallower Cheater and the money he has will soon run out. Enjoy!

    • springfield528:

      I am writing to you because your situation is almost identical to mine. I worked at same co as him. and the first time I suspected something was awry when skaggiest ugliest woman that was working there at the time was spinning the amex card between her fingers bragging that my husband gave her his card to buy whatever she wanted. SHe pretended she meant work stuff. Then she was suing the company years later because he claimed that her contract was breached …probably years later in hindsight it was actually a personal lawsuit towards him because she could not get him…she was too ugly probably and very rough around the edges/not his type. Then, while I was still working there, he orchestrated a way to get me out of there, I did not know why, did not realize that he was moving a different Howorker than the prev mentioned scag, into the picture….eg the current one was in the pipeline. All this time I did not know or realize he was a narcissist and this was textbook. Anyway, I relate to what you said about he success and lifestyle that he used company funds to take that next Howorker on trips, flew her all over the world on private jets, company expenses, lavish gifts, valentines night taking her and a male coworker out to pretend they were celebrating work successes, etc etc. This Ho and him ruined my life. But they kept it a big secret because his image was EVERYTHING. He did not want anyone to know about the two of them because it could kill his image, career, etc. She was such a professional Ho that she kept the secret with him because she wanted him so bad because she was being love bombed excessively and she knew how to play the game. She was acting like a trusted HO to him that he could count on for his sex on the road on a whim because her goal was to land him and get me dumped out of the picture. I was just her obstacle. She knew how to play the game …she did not want it to end, and why would she, a lonely Ho that had two kids and wanted the best looking most successful guy at the company who was lavishing her with gifts etc. She could do no better. But anyway, in the end he dies and karma blows up in her face. Unfortunately for me I am struggling because I always worked hard and he controlled his own secret money and probably hid it with her. It’s the emotional and mental anguish that I feel, all of it has destroyed me

  • What he thought he was getting: a fated, destined romance with a girl half my age, roaming the wilds of Mongolia on ponies, sleeping under the stars and seeking enlightenment from the Lords of the Mountains, sitting on top of hills surveying the world with a magical being at his side and becoming his authentic self, making music with her to earn their living as a pair of troubador minstrels walking the earth together

    What he got: message from the girl that she didn’t feel the same way and didn’t want to hear from him again after he told her a dream he had about him and her seeking their fortune together, a few months in a cottage he eventually couldn’t afford, when he started living in a van, same old stressful job with very poor pay, his teenaged children refusing school with difficult mental health, Chump looking for a home with herself and the kids free from daily sad, and with divorce on the horizon when I can afford it

    • Oh!! Didn’t read the assignment properly!

      What I thought it was : He was a ludicrously self-blind romantic who couldn’t see what was happening to him and was having a major mid-life crisis plus emotional affair because he couldn’t talk to me about problems in our marriage – but maybe he was right after all and it was all true and I was a horrible ogre like she said and I have never loved anyone ever not even my children

      What it actually was: I was right after all, he knew all along and hoped to have his cake and kibbles, but see above

      Amazes me now how we Chumps so often accept blame, CN showed me the mindfuck for what it was

    • “When he started living in a van” …!!! THANK YOU for my chuckle for the evening. THAT is beautiful and the ending I wish for my own fuckwit who now ‘wants to come home’. Errrr NO. That is NOT going to happen.

  • i smelled bullshit right from the start, i saw right through it all and the shitty developments within their relationship seem entirely as i predicted it.

  • What I thought it was: Blissful times with a sexy younger woman spent at an upscale hotel when he traveled to her city for business, romantic meals at nice restaurants, going out to see live music, sex all night.

    What it really was: Haggard trailer park chain-smoking MOW had to sneak around to keep her husband from finding out. Midnight booty calls at his hotel because she had to wait for her young daughter to fall asleep before she could sneak out and then get back home before she woke up (yep, mom of the year). Quick trips to fast food places so he could stay within his per diem and not raise suspicion with me. They were livin’ large…

  • What I pretty much knew from the beginning: he got to hang out at the local filthy slut hole bar with someone (and the rest of the bar crowd) who was happy to let him pay for their drinks from his (and my) salary. Turns out first Schmoopy had a face like a camel’s arse so “enjoy”. Next Schmoopy is prettier and did nothing to me but what on earth was he/they thinking. We both had good jobs and lived (I still do) in the French Alps and it is stunning. So latest Schmoopy hooks up with him and he at first seems loads of fun when he is sober – which isn’t very often. But the shark eyes take over when he is drinking and the fists usually follow. So after 3 months together they “think” they can apply for a resident’s visa for her. Hey, they are not married, she has no income, no health insurance and doesn’t speak the language. Also as a US citizen she has no automatic right to live here so they are both “stunned” when the French consulate tells them no sorry. (I hear “we should build a wall” somewhere in there don’t you). So they are back in the US where he is on a damn good pension but has always been able to spend 200 per cent (and more) of any money coming in. So after less than a year together Schmoopy is “bored” and decided to get back to work – although cynical old me thinks they probably weren’t making it financially. My sons haven’t spoken to him since last November when he came over here for an event so how’s that working out for you, the world’s greatest dad. And he wrote to me 2 weeks ago by email asking for “help”. Also my youngest described her as weird and a nag who keeps him on a short leash so enjoy that too. As far as I’m concerned any man who has to be kept on a short leash can just sod off out of my life.

    Me on the other hand, I got total peace and calm in my home. I can sleep at night. My kids have peace in their lives and I have 100 times the amount of money in the bank as I did when we had joint incomes. Now I have male friends who I adore but am not looking for more, and as my colleague recently told me “you got your smile back”.

    • attie
      that sounds wonderful…and beautiful scenery to boot
      These assholes usually blow up their own lives to boot also…they think they are pursuing some great catch. It’s usually clouded over by the exciting secret sex…oh how romantic…then when they start to see that the woman is not all that great then bingo they realize the great woman they lost…too late ! Although maybe they don’t realize it because some they are a narcissist after all. They realize nothing. It’s all about them and their D’s. That’s it. That’s whats important in life.

  • What I imagined:
    James Bond would come to his senses, realize his love for me and how precious our marriage is to him. His parents, his family, our faith community would help him end his porn, prostitution, online, dating, voyeurism, affairs, etc and he would become a loving and committed husband to me, growing old with me as we enjoyed family and shared a business, service, dancing, sex, cooking, gardening, brave.

    What happened:
    James Bond floating through life never being needed professionally, only contacted by the needy and desperate or prostitutes. He’s living in his mom’s guest room, his sister (also his social secretary) sleeps on a mattress in the foyer of mom’s apartment. All of this is financed by the only successful sibling, who they both hate.

    Always 15 minutes late (porn does that) to his only contact with real people, his faith communities outreach program, which he stays in cuz he moved around the world AND through his wife (now ex-wfie) under the buss.

    His skin becomes more and more pasty and festers. His thin hair completely gray, he relies on photos 30 years old to catch his online prey. About which: he does not want to meet in person (yuck), just video sex, please.

    Tapped out all of his retirement money on hookers and covering up his mess, he “earns” a living by caring for his aged father.

  • Re: the recipes. You all really have to read Mapp & Lucia, if you haven’t. Thanks again for fortifying me (without calories) for the weekend, CN!

  • Me and XH never had any children. One of the things that drew him to schmoopie was her 9 yr old daughter. She idolized him and he had Santa Clause step dad fantasies about camping, biking, bowling, playing games in the yard etc. Now XH and schmoopie live together with her 2 children. The youngest, 9ish when the affair started is now close to 14. I doubt she wants to do all the same things she wanted to do at age 9! I doubt he is still idolized by her! Schmoopie has 2 kids by 2 different husbands. My XH was always kind of a jealous type. I can’t imagine how he deals with the youngest’s girls dad since he is still in the picture and very much a part of girls life. I bet it eats at him having to deal with this man on a regular basis knowing that this man not only has some control over daughters raising but this man also had his hand in schmoopies pants at one time! Im sure he can hardly control his hatred of this man. Makes me giggle ????

  • What I thought he would do: date a rash of young women and live large like a bachelor
    What he’s done: harass me to be his friend and show way too much curiosity about a guy I’m dating
    What I’ve done: had sweet sweet freedom

  • What I thought he would do: Crash and burn after our 30 year marriage ended due to his affair and him marrying the OW immediately after our divorce.
    What he’s done: Unfortunately, made a great life for them both. Just built her their 2nd 300K home, Both have new cars, new furniture, take lavish vacations.
    What I’ve done: Unfortunately, raised our children in struggle while I sit and watch no Karma ever coming their way.

    • Give it time. In the mean time, work on you. You want to be fab when the universe does its thing. You are only seeing the exterior. Image is easy to present.

    • How long has it been? It’s okay to keep up for a while, but sooner later, they’ll slip up.

  • Correction… fortunately raising our children. Unfortunately, with struggle while I sit and watch no Karma ever coming their way.

    • …wait for it. Actually, don’t wait for it, just go about your life and hopefully never think of them again. But know that it cometh no matter

      • NotANiceChump, Thank you for your comment. I’m trying to live my life and not think about it. Somehow, something always gets shoved in front of me to force me to be aware. Hoping someday that stops. Not to be doom and gloom but seems as though some people just catch all the breaks and never are forced to deal with the fallout that should occur when one sets out to destroy a family.

        • It can seem like that sometimes, agreed. But I’ve found that often there’s little authenticity to that appearance. Like, at the end of the day we all have to go home and face ourselves in the mirror.

          • NotANiceChump. Thanks for your comments. They as all the comments are extremely helpful.
            I’m not ashamed to say I hope
            there isn’t any truth to the appearance being displayed. I don’t wish ill will but am definitely not wishing for success on that end. Easier to forgive harmful actions by others but impossible to forget .

        • Can you not revisit child support, etc? It seems a shame that he and the OW are prospering at the expense of his children.

          • Soldering On. I managed no contact for the better part of a decade and was unaware of his financial improvement (so to speak) I let my guard down and allowed contact for a while that I’m now in the process of shutting down. Unfortunately, we’re too close to support ceasing to bother. In the end the no contact was worth it. Thank you for your comments

            • He better keep paying that alimony. It would be a shame if you had to spill the beans about his snipped nuts. I think he should increase the payments. Cost of living has gone up, you know.

            • Back child support is a Thing. If he’s prospered so well, at the expense of his children, it should be OK to check with an attorney. I’ve seen it done, even when the children had “aged out” of the support agreement.

    • Alone
      You were married for 30 years. You don’t know if their relationship will last. Yours lasted 30 years! And something else, we never know what life is like in someone else’s house. You don’t know if their happy or have a great life. And it doesn’t matter. He’s a liar and a cheater. OW can have him. He’s a jerk no matter what! He destroyed a family. Not a good guy

      • Wonderwoman, deep down I know you’re right that we don’t know what life is like in someone else’s house or if their happy and have a great life. If judging by the posed videos and pictures, I’d say they are at least giving the appearance that it was all worth it and having a time of it. And yes, you’re correct. Not just my family destroyed, they destroyed her family as well. Hard to detach after so many years. Thank you for the comment.

        • “judging by the posed videos and pictures”

          They’re just showing off their highlights reel – AKA Image Management.

    • Alone, I lived what looked like an enviable life for 25 years….it was a big lie as X was fucking women behind my back the whole time, he was abusive emotionally and physically. You already know that your X is an abusive cheater that can abandon someone he’s married to.

      Sounds like money is a struggle for you … it was for me after the discard. I’ve focused all my efforts on revenue generation and attaining new credentials while being a single mom with full custody…. not easy but it will pay off. Sending hugs and support, you are not alone!

      • MotherChumper99
        Thanks for the hugs and support. The word, discard…so true a word. It is tough when you pretty much spent a lifetime with someone who stabbed you in the back. Same boat here, single and full time custody. Have to remind myself every day that who I thought he was is a lie.

    • Thanks for sharing this as this is how I feel too sometimes. I think it makes it easier when XH’s life blows up and he ‘lives in a van.’ It’s so hard when they look so happy and secure. I try to remember I can never see what goes on behind closed doors. Maybe inside the house with STBX and AP, it’s a pressure cooker full of nasty, sticky resentment about to explode or a leaky toilet and shit’s gonna be everywhere one day. Today I’m gonna blow faithless Karma a kiss goodbye and cheat the bitch by going for a run and enjoying my day. So just in case he and she live happily ever after. So. Be. It. I will be running free.

      • chumplanta. I’m trying to get the attitude you’re developing. I sure know I’ve wasted a great deal of my life waiting for their implosion.

        • I hear you, Alone. Nothing would make me happier than a real implosion. I just don’t think I’m going to get it. I just don’t feel that lucky. Inspired by CN to work on Mighty. I can do a little something about mighty every day.

      • I had the same struggle as you ladies. Everything seemed fabulous and wonderful for Asshat and the new GF he discarded me for. Clearly, I had been the problem, or so he would have me believe.

        I had to remind myself over and over of who he really is, even though they seemed to be leading a blissful existence together.

        Then something amazing happened. A girl (not his GF) reached out to me on FB. Asshat was wooing her but she had an instinct something wasn’t right, did her homework online, and contacted me.

        Turns out that he told this girl that he’s been single since he and I broke up. He’s been with his GF for probably close to 3 years now and patently denies her existence.

        Point is: even if you can’t see it, you know it’s happening because these freaks don’t change. Who we thought they were is a lie. I was given the gift of seeing how he operates from the outside looking in, thanks to this girl. But even if you don’t get that validation, trust that they suck no matter how great it looks on the surface.

  • What I imagined his life would be like:
    They are soulmates. She looks at him with her flirty big eyes and he melts. How did I get so lucky, he asks himself? She makes him feel so strong and successful, he never flies into a rage! They cuddle on the couch at night and then go outside to enjoy a cigarette together. They scan the internet for the next amazing concert to experience together. He holds her hand when they walk into their megachurch where they smear themselves in the balm of the forgiveness of their faith.

    He’s a new person! He’s no longer petulant, insecure, put upon, unhappy. He now longer has angry outbursts. Between his therapy (that he refused for 28 years) and the sweetness of their union, he is now a kind, caring, empathic man.

    They laugh together over oysters at how inadequate his STBX wife and her Xhusband were as they clink their vodka martini glasses together. She thinks it’s cool when he rolls the windows down of his sporty little Mercedes and blasts U2; she gives him the flirty eye as she again agrees with him that U2 is indeed the greatest band of all time. In bed, he admires her big, swingy boobs and her confidence in her Rubenesque hoochy mama body. Why couldn’t Chumplanta have had Schmooplanta’s sexy-wexy body confidence?!

    When she’s alone, Schmooplanta can’t help but hug herself! Eeeeeeek! I won! She thinks about the money! 10x what she had before! Her two boys are going to have a great life! She just has to keep faking those O’s and ignoring his grey teeth, his bad posture and you know, a few little things like that.

    What his life is really like:
    His two kids don’t respect him and spend no more than a dinner a month with him. He lives in a rental house with Schmoop and her two kids 4th and 9th grade even though he is still married.

    One time as we were on the phone, in conflict over the settlement, he got angry and in a beautifully exasperated, irritated and aggravated tone, instead of saying “Chumplanta!” (as in “Chumplanta you are the most exasperating person alive, and this is why I left you!”), he said, “Schmooplanta!” I bust out in the most joyous laughter that lasted about two solid minutes. That little slip said alot.

    She has gained about 40 pounds and has apparently developed high cholesterol, so they have gone VEGAN!! Evidently, he admitted to our son that he stopped and got a burger on the drive home one night. Once a cheater, always a cheater.

    Other than that, I really have no idea.

  • What I thought:
    He upgraded. OW is younger by about 12ish years, she is pretty and thin and a fucking MD. Oh, and rich. I thought they would live this fabulous DINK life. No kids. Double income as high earners, no less. Take my kids here and there and wow them with the high life and fun times that the younger and prettier OW could provide.

    What happened:
    OW doesn’t work. Never has and no doubt never will. She is a stay at home mom to a dog (she possibly abuses). She had a lot of money, but my ex had to sign a pre nup. They live in a shady part of town in a house the like she probably had never lived in…not even in her student years she spent in the Ivy League. My ex has no money. He lost the respect of his kids. And OW who just ‘got him’ like no one else ever had or ever will…the woman he told our daughter that he finally found love! with…has him pussy whipped. She doesn’t trust him. He looks at his watch everytime he is with our kids. It hits a certain point and he is gone. Oh…and he can’t have our kids because OW lost custody of her own due to OW being an alcoholic, personality disordered child abuser.

    So..I was right. They do have a child free life. But my ex paid a high, high price for it.
    And as for OW?

    • Calmafterstorm, Yikes! Glad you found out about her being a child abuser and how she lost custody of her kids. I imagine although she had an MD she lost her ability to practice medicine in some state because of her alcoholism and abuse of her own children? Do you know?

      • Oh….she got her MD but she never finished her residency. She has never worked as a dr (thus her name is Cunt Face MD and not Dr Cunt Face).

        The only 2 jobs she has held is a Mommy Blogger and briefly as an events coordinator for a hospital.

        She does talk about going into child psychiatry though. After 2 years and she hasn’t done it I think that is just talk.

  • What I thought: “Oh well – he will surely marry her, instead of me. Perhaps it’s for the best.”

    What actually happened: Five years later, still no marriage, and she has turned into an exhausted and insecure frump. I on the other hand got full restoration of mojo, and have led busy and fascinating life, cheater free and very happy.

  • What I imagined: Great sex, much happier without me, taking my children away from me, my children preferring and defending the AP, myself as a total failure, the ‘older and wiser’ AP making great decisions and taking control of someone I was unable to ‘control’.
    What it is: Erectile dysfunction, sociopathy, my children can’t stand the AP and want nothing to do with, I realize I’m not a total failure, the AP has aged badly and has congestive heart failure and COPD due to chain smoking, they just filed bankruptcy due to debt plus foreclosure. Apparently the fuckwit wants to ‘come home’. Salut!!

  • I don’t know what my STBX is up to, other than most likely hitting up the AP after our false reconciliation ended. Or, perhaps some other ex.

    When I get done with her, she is going to be broke. What I imagine she will do, since I have affairs, is whine to the AP and her “friends” that she made a mistake, but after she twist the narrative, they will somehow be my fault and that I am evil, or some shit.

    She will then love bomb AP or some other schmuck in order to get access to their finances, and she will use and abuse that bastard as well. She is also constantly complaining about her weight as she eats ice cream, and that begins to get old (her weight did not bother me, just the nagging and how it was a weapon used against me in her abuse cycles.) She is also not aging very well.

    The thing is, she can’t move away due to our son, so I predict that she will slowly destroy herself and her reputation beyond the current level of shit. I don’t really have this vision that she will live some happy, luxurious life.

  • Edit: That line should read “since I have evidence of her affairs” not “I have affairs.”

    Editing snafu!

  • CL, I think others have also wished for a like button so I can like all the stories above, some of which have me in stitches

    • People ask for this all the time, but to do that, I’d have to move to a new comment plug-in. Which is a database issue, because… how do I move all the OLD comments? (And can you go “like” those now?) There are hundreds of thousands of comments on this site. If an IT person has a solution, I’m all ears. I’m sort of stuck with the current comment functionality. This site gets a lot of engagement. It’s a bigger issue than you might think

  • To clarify, the ludicrousness of cheaters is just something else. Delusional fantasists like my ex with the mind of a spoilt toddler in the body of a fully grown woman

    • RealMonkeyLove – Delusional with the mind of spoilt toddler in a body of a grown man. Exactly.
      People point out our daughter in high school is more mature than stbx. He cannot reason, negotiate or communicate. It’s his way or the highway. His way or face punishment. And now he’s doing it to our daughter. It’s so disgusting. I picture him with his big fat stomach, bald head, hairy body and nothing on but a diaper, crying and screaming. And he’s toothless because his dentures are in the cup.
      I wonder if his 24 y.o. girlfriend calls in his prescriptions like I used to…

  • I imagined them spending the days when shmoopie was child free (because she only has her toddler 50%) going to cafe’s and running along the local running tracks which I know from experience when he refused to go running with me are gorgeous, then he would go to work in the pub she bought him and eventually be able to buy more pubs and eventually be able to simply spend their time as they wished. The reality was he couldn’t handle the responsibility and so 7 months after she bought him that first pub…he burnt it down. So the reality is he is doing time in their local medium security prison for the next 6 years while she has got an additional $250k worth of debt to work off with nothing to show for it…. pretty sure I got the better side of this break up

    • Alice. Your karma story is just TOO good. The schmoopie WON a flaming, scheming narcissist with criminal tendencies. They feel they are never going to get caught whether it is cheating or insurance fraud, right Now he is in prison! She has $250,000 of debt. LOL

      • I kinda feel like I am right in the middle of some sort of made for daytime tv melodrama. Hoping to find the happy ending in just a few years time when the frumpy single mum meets the (obviously already single!!) man who makes her feel like a swan and they build a life together…. but we shall see.

  • What I imagined (and so did they): the Real True Love that Never Was (she ran off with someone much older than her and broke his heart. He had to Make Do with me who he never really loved because, Her). Now, at last, they were together forever and could live the rest of their lives living what Always Should Have Been. Her beauty and immaculate make up compared with the frumpy sad sack he shackled himself to! What a pity she wasn’t the mother of his children! The beauties they would have created together!!

    What really happened: the children were horrified at the secrets and the lies and interviewed them, single and together, about their appalling behaviour. They saw through their own eyes what he had done to their mother, because he did it to them. He drove her as crazy as he drove me. She started him smoking again. It ended when she drank a bottle of vodka and lay on the floor screaming.

  • What she thinks she is getting (howorker that lives in another time zone). A business cheater whore man, Tinder & FB whores connoiseur. Who just “loves” her and take her to Vegas as an AP, wine, steak etc etc . Thanks to his corporate card & Ccards under my name while we were married since his credit was always mess up.

    What she is really getting a almost 50 yrs old child/man. Who is a couch potato, heavy weekend drinker & business drinker (alcoholic anyone!) who uses partners to life his fake life. I was lucky enough to get a good lawyer and paid off all debts under my name with his retirement. Now he gets half his paycheck because alimony & child support, he is renting a room since mean ex gets 1/2 his salary & he keeps playing a “love distance” romance with howorker.
    What she doesn’t know that he will get more from her financially & emotionally. He keeps lying & maxing out credit cards like there is no tomorrow to be a faker. As long as he pays parts or her bills & keep doing the fake weekends get aways she will be “in love” with him “forever”. #fakelife #di$tance????

  • I thought I was finally getting my fairy tale ending. A handsome, self-made man written up in all the Washington DC papers for his philanthropy.

    What I got was Grimm’s fairy tale. A complete sociopath.

  • What I imagined about the weekends (2x per month) the kids spent with RonBurgundy and the Internwhore: big family breakfasts, game nights and family movies, lots of laughter and fun because she was actually closer to the age of the kids than to his age.
    What it really was: (And I learned this over time in bits and pieces from the kids) rushing around to do his public appearances, fights if they forgot clean underwear or brought jeans with a hole in the knee because “his image”, having to pick up toys etc. several times per day b/c he just couldn’t stand any clutter ever, and a sitter almost every night they spent with him because who knows why…

    • No, I really do know why, because parenting four whole days a month is haaaaaaaarrrdddd.

  • What I thought it was: A responsible family man who was a partner and honored our vows. Someone who pulled his weight and shared the responsibility of child rearing.

    What it actually is: A lazy narcissistic ass, who barely lifts a finger and when he does he wants a bitch cookie. Someone who leaves all the heavy lifting to me and takes zero initiative in helping with everyday life.

    After careful thought (sarcasm): I decided to take the house, car, kids, cat, alimony, and child support. She can have the man child with receding hairline and erectile dysfunction. Seems like a fair trade to me ????????‍♀️???????????????????? #onwardandupward

  • What I imagined would happen – fastest divorce on record then Susieslutpants and Cheaternarc riding off into the sunset to go and play ‘Happy Familes’ somewhere.

    SusieS thinks she’s getting a mature man who will be able to keep her in style and no one will be able to love him as much as she can etc etc. and his cheating was because she was so wonderful he realised a good deal etc etc – barf !

    What happened – Cheaternarc filibustering all through the divorce and dragging it out as long as he could. Then going to live with SusieS. Then coming back saying he wasn’t happy and could he stay with me and would I rent him a room? WTF?

    Then buying a house with SusieS (she put up the deposit) but telling her he didn’t want her living there because he ‘wasn’t ready yet’. After about 5 years of her coming round cooking, washing, ironing etc for him she got pregnant so they got married. Baby comes 3 months later but sadly dies.

    The next pregnancy end in miscarriage.

    Finally about 7 years later she has a live birth, then has post natal depression and ends up in psychiatric for 3 months. Mother has to move in to take care of baby. Cheaternarc not happy that he has to pull his weigh about the house now.

    5 years later they have another child and she has another spell in psychiatric.

    They then decide to move to a big fancy house and and found out that the Endowment Mortage they took out will have a shortfall, so they have to move again to release some cash. ( Cheaternarc always had “Champagne taste and beer money” as we say in UK and was very good at spending my money )

    By this time the property market had slumped and they lost £10,000s on the deal.

    After this I left the area so haven’t a clue how they are getting on.

    I would say that the Karma bus not only paid them a visit, but ran over them several times. I almost feel sorry for SusieS, (I’m sorry the babies died, obviously)

  • I’ve given this topic a great deal of thought. I never thought they would end up happy, grand vacations, love flowing like a champagne fountain. When I found about Ms Tuna Taco Lips, her 2 kids, an ex and her job as a barmaid, I thought, WTF is wrong with him?

    What it really is? Summer’s Eve, has asked to come back here and live on the other side of the house….ummmm NO. He has been sniffing around, sending messages, pictures of his grandchildren, talking to friends telling them “I feel like such an asshole for doing her wrong.” Yes, yes, you are an asshole.

    Talking to people saying he will be snowbirding it soon and “doesn’t care” what Ms. TTL thinks. Yep, yeppers, yesereeee, that is true love right there. Idiot!

  • Live on the other side of the house! They suck, and are always on the look out for the next ‘thrill.’

  • Right before Dday when I knew nothing about the affair, he was acting like a pompous ass. On Dday, he was a frightened child, crying…..boohoo. I tossed his shit in garbage bags and told him to GTFO! 3 years later, I must say, it was one of my most glorious moments!

    Staying with the theme of the day: What it really was? Trash day and I didn’t want to miss the garbage truck!

  • She doesn’t even know she’s the next in a long line. I didn’t know either. What she thinks she’s getting: honorable ex-officer, captain of industry type, loving father, athlete, smart guy, etc. etc. What she’s really getting: functional alcoholic, compulsive liar with a shitty apartment and an old car who abuses his expense account. Stingy, emotionally unavailable, who sold his kids because he didn’t want to pay the legal bills to fight. But hey, he does crossfit, and has six (six!!!!) online dating accounts. I feel sorry for her. In 6 months, she’ll be the next chump lady.