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When You Need Cheater Twu Wuv to Fail

We’re all about Meh here at CN — that Promised Land of acceptance where the pain stops and you don’t really care what your cheater does any more, or with whom. That said, a lot of chumps wouldn’t mind an exit ramp to Schadenfreude.

“D-Day was 6 months ago and I’m fine… I just want the cheaters to break up. Tragically. Painfully. Like maybe someone dumps someone’s possessions from a 10th floor balcony or sets a car ablaze.”


“I don’t want him. I don’t care who he moves on with — JUST NOT HER. Really ANYONE but HER. I can’t bear the thought of my children being around her. If she so much as bakes a cupcake with them, there will be bloodshed.”


“Do they have to get married? WHY? Why are they getting new toasters and a trip to Lake Como while I’m here suffering? How come HE gets someone and I AM ALONE? Toaster-less!”

Self-pity isn’t a good look, chumps. I know it’s unjust — let me repeat that — I KNOW IT IS UNJUST. Your future has been shattered by a couple of fuckwits, and now they get to enjoy the bedrock relationship status that you used to enjoy, that was part of your identity, your family, your financial security. WHY DON’T THEY FAIL?

It seems like the perfect antidote, really — the whole Twu Wuv thing blowing up in their faces. Ha! That’ll show ’em! Maybe they’ll come crawling back! Maybe it will be too late! (Maybe it won’t. Oh hey, is that a unicorn I see?)

STOP. Don’t make your healing contingent on what cheaters do or do not do. You only control YOU. You certainly don’t control the karma timetable. Needing (wanting, desperately praying for) the Schmoopies to break up is a rookie chump mistake. Trust that they SUCK.

Oh shut up, Tracy, with your Trust That They Suck. Is this just more of your inane branding? Go embroider that on a pillow. I KNOW they suck. And I just want them to fall flat in a vat of acid. Is that too much to ask? 

If you need Bad Things to happen to cheaters, you’ve missed the point. THEY are the Bad Things. Being them is a punishment. I know it doesn’t look that way, what with the Nobel prizes, yoga retreats, and new trucks — but can you imagine being so vapid and selfish that you’d break up a couple families for kibbles? Do you really envy narcissists? So what if a couple of crappy people got together. I’d say it leaves them out of the dating pool, but it probably doesn’t. They. Don’t. Get. Character. Transplants.

And let’s say for the sake of argument that they do. Now they are Much Happier and It Was All for the Best. It’s regrettable that Mistakes Were Made, but sometimes you have to break a few hearts to make an omelet. They still did this. You can’t go back. That relationship is dead. It doesn’t matter how they move forward, YOU have to move forward with your one precious life.

Chances are the Schmoopies will break up. These things often do. (Look! Shiny thing!) But it will happen about the time you really don’t give a shit. And if they stay together? That’s about the worst punishment two narcs could endure — a bad kibble supply. Kibbles? I thought you were bringing the kibbles? No? So they’ll have to go out in search of new chumpy triangles (rectangles, dodecahedrons…. I never tire of that joke…)

God, aren’t you relieved to be out of that mix?

We don’t control fuckwits. I know it’s a shit sandwich to let them around your children, but just keep being the sane, awesome parent, and let fuckwits be fuckwits. Let them engrave invitations and invite everyone to their elaborately catered farce. What does commitment mean to people like that?

I have no idea what happened to the Schmoopies in my story. The internet has left a few clues. (There were other chumps, other triangles, more discovery of her long-standingness.) Doesn’t concern me. Those people suck. My life is pretty great. Certainly not without its challenges, but I’ve got some solid blessings, chief among them, I’m not a fuckwit.

I bet you’re pretty great too. Don’t look back. Forget the fuckwits.


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  • I remember when the idea of Rhys marrying anyone else made me sick because it would mean I hadn’t been enough to him – now all I can think is “Thank God he’s out of my hair.”

    • I think that all the time, too……”Thank heavens I’m not married to him anymore.” It’s a feeling I get deep down in my soul.

      • To be fair, Rhys and I were never married, but he sure talked up a possible future…

    • Me too, nothing but a deep sense of relief that Satan’s Hand Maiden is no longer my problem

    • “THEY are the Bad Things. Being them is a punishment.”

      This part is a conclusion I also came to a little while back and it helped me feel like I gained a sense of justice over my whole situation. Summed up: I will feel that justice is served once my ex’s character flaws that hurt me, in the long run, hurt her more. I can choose to leave the pain from her character flaws farther behind every day. She does not have that option, and that feels very much like justice to me.

      • That is a good reminder. I guess I wanted ex to be more miserable with her than he was with me. That hasn’t happened, but he doesn’t really seem to be happier either. It was just a sideways shift for him. The only real difference is that he isn’t blaming her for his unhappiness. He is still just as unhappy though and now that I don’t live with him it doesn’t have to be my problem anymore. I am glad I am not always miserable at the core of my being. I wouldn’t want to be him and I wouldn’t want to be Schmoopie either. Being with ex probably is the highlight of her life and that’s really sad. I actually do have a pretty good life in spite of ex and I didn’t have to hurt anyone to achieve that.

      • Hoping meh hits soon myself. I’m still wanting them to hurt as much as I have. Sad but true…

        • I’m still having revenge fantasies. So I know I’m not at meh either.

          But I needed to read this today. Thanks, Tracy!

          “If you need Bad Things to happen to cheaters, you’ve missed the point. THEY are the Bad Things. Being them is a punishment.”

          I would never want to be living his so-called life! It’s an existence that only approximates what normal people with souls have. He gets admiration (kibbles!) from women based on lies and, especially, lies of omission. I’m damn sure he never mentions that HE was the one who broke up our marriage because of his lying, cheating ways! (In fact, I know that he trashes me.)

          Getting kibbles based on a false image that he manages to convince others is real – just disgusting. Completely inauthentic and devoid of decency. I even feel a little sorry for the online dating victims he has used or is using now. They, like me, are mere objects to him. Disposable at the drop of a hat.

          He’s having some health problems now – nothing life threatening, but they are disruptive and he’s having lots of appointments. I can’t help but feel glad about it. I don’t like that about me, but there it is.

          • if the cheaters have money that’s what the whores go for. It’s sex for the cheater but its money and sex and gifts for the whore. That’s what’s in it for her.
            I read on the internet that the ho ho’s go for married men for C and C. Cash and C*ck, They know that a married man has a C that works (or he would not be married) and Cash. They know if they screw a married man, they have to be paid. They have to get money and if the narcissist wants to secure and KEEP supply, then they have do whatever lying, lovebombing, adoring, etc they need to do to keep that old whore happy. At least in my case, it was the hopeless whore at work that had two kids and she knew his salary and that he was married and she was salivating. OF course, it only took probably two seconds after meeting for him to score because these narcissistic cheater husbands move fast. I have learned a lot. HG Tudor on the internet’s videos, he’s a narcissist. You will learn everything about how they operate….

    • Geez, all I think about is vindication, retribution, revenge… I am so far from meh!!!!

      • Great fantasies to have! Play
        Around with them in your head. Then release them.

      • Don’t feel bad. Meh WILL come in time. And until that Tuesday: keep yourself busy, help others, practice self-care and have faith. ox

  • Loving this! Living well really is the best revenge. I have the utter satisfaction of knowing his OW said “your ex just doesn’t care about you at all, does she?” I can imagine the hampster wheel turning as she starts to wonder “why doesn’t she care? Why is she so happy?” What does she know that I don’t?”

    Everything I need to. That’s what I know. Good luck with your thoughts, smoopsie!

    • I’ve often wondered if my STBXH’s OW wondered the same things you mentioned. I kicked him out and filed as soon as I found out about her. And went NC right away.

      I really think she’s not that deep/ smart enough to wonder that though.

      • They tell themselves that the Ex-wife was a bitch and that we made the cheater unhappy and cheat. Then they pat themselves on the back for “saving” the cheater from misery and being “the one”…that is until they find themselves cheated on or abandoned.

        Either way, I know how my ex made me feel when we were together and the sheer volume of lies I discovered once I stopped trusting him. And I am glad to not be her. Period.

        • Omg, @GetMeFree … this! “I’m glad not to be her!” BOOM
          I will elaborate:
          Top ten reasons why I am glad I’m not the current OW:
          1) I have my 4 children, and 30 wonderful years of love and joy as their mother, and my kids love and respect me— her? she’s in her late 30s and “hates” kids and X had a vas and says and acts like he hates being a father;
          2) I have integrity;
          3) I’m not partnered with X, a known cheater;
          4) I earned everything I have the honorable way — I worked for it. I didn’t steal my life from another;
          5) my family isnt embarrassed by my behavior;
          6) I’m an engaged member of my community of 30 years with that many years of volunteer service;
          7) I’m dependable and stable;
          8) I have a wonderful 25-year career with impressive accomplishments as a law partner, OW is struggling through night law school barely passing and hoping to one day “be” me … yeah, right!;
          9) I’m free of X’s emotional and physical abuse and terrorizing manipulations, she’s subject to those 24/7; and
          10) I’m not being constantly subjected to contempt and disrespect by my so-called partner, OW is the recipient of that treatment now, only worse.

          Thank God I’m out of that!

          • Woo-hoo! There is something to be said about living with integrity.

            How creepy that your ex is dating a law student. It’s not like that’s easy to come by. How did that happen? Weird.

          • I’ve been debating going to law school – how did you swing having 4 children and a successful career? How did you balance everything??

        • I saw a family (her family) picture of OW on the internet the other day, without all her hooker makeup and clothes, and she looked like exactly what she is: a kid just a little older than DD. I felt no other emotion than sorry for her. She was a vulnerable kid who was sexually exploited by her psychiatrist, no matter that she’s a sex worker. Right now she may well feel like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman, like she’s hit the jackpot with her client. However she’s going to be saddled with a 64 year old alcoholic asshole whose idea of taking care of himself is popping Adderal and testosterone, and whose idea of emotional attachment is being worshipped. Maybe she will dump him before he ruins her life further, who knows. But I know it sure sucks to be her.

          • Are they really all the same? The parallels are uncanny! My X is 50 but current whore is 15 years younger but acts like a 19 year old — has never once in her entire life lived on her own or supported herself — she was a 32 year old living at home with her cheater-psychiatrist father when she trolled for X in his law firm’s elevator.

            X’s new and “cool” “idea” of self care is also snorting adderall, taking zoots 24/7 (THC lozenges), drinking $3,000 worth of liquor per month (verified during divorce by his financial records), smoking pot daily, smoking cigarettes daily, no longer running, walking,or exercising in any form whatsoever, eating all meals at restaurants. Needless to say, he looks like utter SHIT. Aged 20 years in 3 years since discard. He cannot look anyone in the eye, his teeth are horrible, his face has huge festering sores from the adderall-based OCD picking, he has a huge fat gut now, and no muscle tone whatsoever. It is really unbelievable and people who haven’t seen him in awhile are completely shocked.

            • $3000 worth of liquor per month? Holy smokes! I wonder what he drinks, Cristal champagne? (Mine prefers box wine unless someone else is paying, he just makes up for it in quantity).

          • Holy crap! Has someone reported him to the licensing board? Talk about unethical! Sorry if I’ve missed previous commentary on your situation.

    • I had the pleasure of speaking with a woman for quite awhile that I finally figured out was the other woman to her now husband who she wants to divorce now because he doesn’t give her enough attention, show love etc. From her perspective, her husband was already going to divorce his ex and she could tell the ex’s former wife didn’t care about him because she didn’t fight for him. Really. She feels sorry for herself and is hoping she can keep her expensive home on the water with a good divorce settlement. Not a thought of the first wife or comprehension that she was even an other woman at all.

      • The insight into their minds is always so anti-climatic. They are everything we know: shallow, vapid, selfish and insensitive.

        • This! After D-day I kept waiting for an earth-shakingly profound explanation as to why my ex blew up our family for four affairs site memberships and a secret life – after many months I stopped waiting. There were no profound reasons. His shallowness has been the most alien thing of all to come to terms with – two years later I’m still processing.

  • My cheater stayed with Schmoops. At first it really bothered me. Eventually they married. Eventually they were actually together longer than he and I were. And eventually, they became people in their fifties who continue to cheat on each other, have regular screaming matches, are drunk pretty much any time they aren’t at work, are sunk DEEP in debt, cannot own a home, and whose children have virtually nothing to do with them. They suck. The schadenfreude comes. It was there all along under the glitter sparkles in their rotting black hearts.

    • OMG this made me laugh! How long has it been since your D-Day? (I’m curious about your timeline!)

    • This made me smile. They ended up together but who would want that life?

    • I have been chumped TWICE, so I have two timelines. My first chump marriage was almost thirty years ago–ended twenty years ago. It took me years to crawl out of that. My second chumping happened about 10 years ago, but I didn’t stick around for multiple ddays, wreckonciliation or unicorn sightings. I hit the bricks. Each of them was a special kind of fucktard in their own special kind of way. #1 gave plenty of red flags I spackled over, He had the long term schmoops and massive financial infidelity. Left me with two kids, no house, no car, (and of course no child support), ruined credit, and going back to grad school with LITTLE kids. #2 was totally covert flying under the radar. I had absolutely no idea about his secret second life with prostitutes etc. To this day I cannot think of a single red flag. After discovery he literally changed into a monster. Now I am remarried to a great guy and have a great life–but I’d be lying if I said I was completely at MEH about either of them. I still take my schadenfreude where I can get it and I still have the twinge of revenge fantasy. I still have to occasionally go to confession and admit “anger” or “wishing their damnation.”

    • Unsure if Narkles the Clown and the Flying Whore made it this far. Thank the No Contact, the path to the truth and the light Gods!
      What I do know is that I feel cheated! She never did divorce her rich husband and move into Narkles the Clown’s little house. I know that it wold kill me to see her with my kid but damn it, those two cheaters deserve each other. There ought to be a law that cheaters hav to live with each other for five years, bare minimum, as punishment.

  • RPD gets to front for KK’s self-loathing, listen to her constant complaints about how her family never gave a shit about her, and pay for the arm-flab removal surgery that will undoubtedly change her life.

    KK gets to peg and give rim jobs to RPD and cater to the intellectual and emotional swings of the tortured “edgy” novelist.

    I get to live free of all of that shit, save for the occasional hovering and centrality demands via Our Family Wizard.

    All in all, a more than fair trade.

    • I don’t know UX… arm-flab surgery could be life changing. I suspect I’d be a much better person without arm flab.

      A life without sleeves = greatness!

      • A work friend called them ” granny flaps”
        WTF do they even come from?

        UXworld, get the surgeon’s name, lots will want that surgery!
        Just say’n.
        Love your KK stories.
        Oh, how you must miss her!

      • Yes, I admit I did ponder whether pegging some shitty guy with a purple dildo would be worth the price of “wing” removal … Then I figured I could just forgo name brand TP for the rest of my life and have the same outcome. Plus … “rim jobs” … ugh.

        • Hahahaha, good one Dixie!! I’d rather have arm flab down to my knees. They’d have to throw in a lobotomy for the rim job. Blech.

            • Have you eaten yet? Better eat first. You won’t have an appetite after you find out what it it. Barf.

    • KK needs to learn tricep pushdowns and french presses. Maybe she’ll drop a dumbbell on her head. HA HA HA

    • Pegging is a good core workout, but the price is too high if it involves RPD or KK.

      Dropping a dumbbell on her own head sounds nice.

    • Arm flab could have been key to the fabulous sex life she’s got now…. kind of like how Freddy Mercury was convinced his overbite would change his singing if he had it corrected…


      • A secret about arm flab that figure skaters know: much more flab if you raise your arms palms up or palms facing front. Much less if you twist your arms so that the palms face backwards or outwards and back.

              • What a light this website is right now in my hideous life. Thanks to CL and every one of you; you are hysterical. I get such a laugh out of this place.

            • Rim job, not to be confused with a rimshot —which is that ba-da-domm-chink sound when a comedien makes a quick joke — is (ahem) licking the um… (ahem) backdoor…

  • I REALLY needed this! Thank you, CL. Perfectly said. I don’t know why I needed them to fail so badly. Actually, I do. It would make me feel better – make me feel like I’m not a loser. And it would show everyone that they are assholes and it wasn’t twu wuv. But now I see that they are just that. Who cares if nobody else sees it. I see it. My kids see it.My family and friends see it. Time to rebuild. ????

    • Aussie

      1) Who gets to sleep peacefully at night, not wondering where or what cheater is up to (drinking at the bar, texting, internet hookups) – You do !
      Who gets to wake up refreshed ready for another mighty day ? You do !

      2) Who gets to sleep with one eye open wondering who he / she is texting, drinking at the bar with etc) Cheater and Schmoops do ! Both are known cheaters ! I’ll bet their anxiety levels are through the roof and they don’t quite trust each other that much.

      When I dumped my Cheater X my anxiety levels dropped 90 %, all because of the shit she was putting me through.

      • So true, Blee. It is soooo peaceful in my house now! I don’t miss him one bit.

      • Oh, I needed to hear this again. It is SO NICE not to have to deal with my ex. The drama he brought to my life was unreal. And to not worry anymore about what he’s doing (or who!) and if what he’s telling me is the truth or another lie…it is so nice! Now the whore has to deal with it. Bwahahaha!

      • You’re so right about how less stressful it all becomes. Once you deal with the PTSD (which I am still working out), what a relief to be without the anxiety.

        No more worrying where he is and if he’s with her.
        No more jumping whenever that cell phone vibrates in his pockets and watching his reaction for signs.
        No more trying to decipher the code of what he really means by the things he says.

        Slowly it’s peeling away. Each layer one step closer to the land of MEH!

        • You are soooo right. I never experienced anxiety until dday. It was horrific and I actually didn’t know what it was I was feeling. I was describing my symptoms to a friend and she said, “hey, that’s anxiety.” I have no idea how I lived 40 years without ever experiencing it. It was paralyzing. I had it all through wreckoncilition. Every time his phone rang or he was late or his “appointments” couldn’t be verified or he was mean for no reason. It eventually affected my health and interaction with other people. It wasn’t until I decided to move on with my own life and start caring about me more than I cared about him that the anxiety disappeared as quickly as it began. Like from one day to the next. Any contact from him, it’s right back. Trust they suck.

        • No more wondering why he had to go to the bathroom at every grocery store, restaurant etc. and never wondering why he has to pee when he just left the house….Oh that’s right I know now that it was the insecure whore from working making sure her Dick on my husband wasn’t perhaps in bed with me….she had to keep him on a short leash and remind him to stay away from me his wife probably…or maybe she wanted to give him a whatever….lol ”

    • ” It would make me feel better – make me feel like I’m not a loser. ”

      You know, you THINK it will make you feel better and not a loser but it won’t. Your feelings and thoughts about yourself are not based on some external stimulus. Just like happiness, self worth comes from within.

      But i think you are beginning to see that. Know your worth. You are no where near loser status, unless it is in the context of losing a worthless cheater. Which is really a win.

  • My ex is getting married in 2 weeks (she isn’t one of his OW, surprisingly none of them stuck around). I really needed to read this today. My official line is that it’s a win-win situation for me: he’ll be able to be a better dad to our daughters if he’s not running around, or he’ll cheat on her & I’ll feel better knowing that it wasn’t just me. Obviously I know which is the healthier attitude. But even though the new wife isn’t an affair partner, it sucks to think that someone who has only been around for less than a year will be their “new mom”. And I know that I should be glad that she seems like a relatively decent person & seems to like my girls (one of them, at least. The 18 year old is a tougher but to crack), but at the same time, I’m like “get your hands off my kids, bitch.”

    I know that doesn’t make much sense, but had to vent.

    • I disagree–this makes TOTAL sense!

      Since you are taking the high road, Tbone, I’ll go ahead and wish on your behalf that the groom develops a virulent stomach bug during the wedding, and that when another “guest” develops it 10 minutes later, the bride narrows her eyes, realizes that the jerk is already cheating, throws her flowers at the groom (very thorny roses) and stomps out before she ends up hitched to your cheating EX. All of it will be caught on tape by the wedding photographer and will be secretly delivered to you along with an unopened bottle of champagne from the reception-that-wasn’t.

    • Tbone-
      Mine is getting married (to #4) on the big day of the royal wedding. Trust me, there is glitter poop everywhere. Whenever I go back to the place of “things I lost”, I write down a list of things I gained. What I gained is much better…..try and remember that.

    • She is NOT and never will be, their “New MOM”. She will be their Dads wife. thats all. She is not a parent to them. They have two already. End of. You refer to her if you ever have to, as Dads wife.

      I’m glad for you that she’s not an affair partner – but just keep remembering – no one will EVER EVER replace you. You are their Mom, they dont need another one.

    • Hi, she be a step mom, not a biological mum, she eventually show her true colours what she will be actually be like. You could meet someone better than your ex.

  • This is often the mindset that keeps chump in wreckconciliation too. You worked hard for a life and you’ll be damned if some interloper inserts him/herself into it! That mindset kept me stuck for three years of my life that I’ll never get back. Fortunately I got over that and finally divorced the cheater.

    Post divorce the only cure for this disease is no contact, “the path to the truth and the light”. (alloutofkibble) That and building a solid new life that is satisfying and free of fuckwits and their flying monkeys. Plus as Chump Lady has said often, the best gift for a cheater is another cheater….and no tag backs!

    If you’re waiting around for Karma to strike, you’re focusing on them instead of yourself. Focus on yourself and the rest will fall into place. By the time the universe catches up with them you won’t care!

  • Amen to that CL. I used to want them to break up oh so bady… now..I could not care less. In fact I wish them all the best in their arseholeness. To stay happily in cheater wedlock. Can you just imagine what thst is like. Oh yeah I can I lived it all but unknowingly for 20 years… gives me shivers now to think about being back there. I’m raising a toast to all at CN. Here’s to leading incredible, self propelled, cheater free and oh so happy lives. Life is good

  • I am thankful she pressured him into the divorce, who knows how long I would of waited being the chump I am! Now I am free to enjoy the shit-show happening before my eyes, Karma is a bitch but don’t we all have that one friend who is one? ????

    Now I’m torn between getting angry that my kids have to spend time with her because she is in his life vs. being angry that he made these choices that screwed his family and then their relationship isn’t going to last.

  • I am at meh, but am still going through settlement. Mediation on the 29th. I wish my ex was happy, then settlement would be done. But he is not happy, none of them are, because happiness comes from within. It is an offshoot of contentment, a foreign word not known to cheaters. They are miserable, grasping people who will never appreciate what they have. I believe that IS the karma bus. Glad I’m off it and walking peacefully on my own path.

    • Kimhopes-

      I recently went through mediation. It was a long ass day-close to 10 hours. I only have a few recommendations based on my experience: go in with your bottom line (and be generous with yourself), write all of these things down and refer to it throughout mediation. Douchebag McGee’s attorney tried to low ball me and I was just so tired I wanted to be done. Luckily, one of my besties told me to call her before I signed anything. I listened and before I signed anything, she talked some sense into me. In the end, I think I ended up financially better because I was patient. Mediators are mediators, however they do know that people will agree based on just wanting to be done. Don’t leave there with regrets, or have regrets a few days later.

      I would also recommend anything that he needs to sign or hand over, have a date that it has to be done and turned over. Mine said in a “timely manner”…..for my ex, this means “whenever the fuck he gets around to it”. If spousal support is ordered, have it put in the order when it is to be received and how, and if he does not comply and you have to take him back to court, he will be responsible for all court fees associated with the court proceedings.

      Just a few things I learned a few months ago. In the end, I got 100% of the house (but am still required to sell it–guess McGee doesn’t want any passionate love making in “our” house…LOL), spousal support that is to be direct deposited……he’s been late for 3 months so now am filing a contempt order and have to hope that the Judge has him pay the fees as it wasn’t in our order.

      Hopefully others can provide some insight on things that they learned. or maybe CL will post this for further discussion on a day so you will have an entire toolbox of things to pull from. Attorneys are great, however I think they do this every day so sometimes forget about some things, or think that our exes won’t be so sinister…..wrong.

      I hope you have an amazing tribe to get you through the next few weeks, and longer.

      • This is excellent advice. My divorce has lasted 2+years (no minor children) because he kept stalling and stalling. Finally the judge set a trial date and that got STBX attention. They only pay attention to hard consequences. Mediation is just as you said. We did that too. Day after day. Finally it looks like we have a working agreement document. But get a date certain that it has to be signed or you’re right, they will stall as long as possible. A good attny might be expensive but is worth every penny. Good luck to us all to one day achieve meh.

      • Thank you. I have a great support network and great lawyers. My ex is definitely dragging his feet. I am dating the most wonderful man, and it is annoying to still have the ex in the background. I think of him like a mosquito that is buzzing around my head in the bedroom at night. An annoyance, but one I will soon be rid of.

    • Kimhopes, you nailed it!

      This is especially evident when considering that even in my descent to hell throughout all of this, I haven’t been the miserable person that is typically him on any given day.

      Feeling miserable doesn’t make you BE miserable to anyone else if you’ve got self love, respect, or worth. It’s living in an ego-driven state, a soul deficiency.

    • …and good luck with mediation and getting this all behind you.

  • My ex is still with her illegal car detailer. By know her doesn’t care about her and doesn’t want to be new dad. That was the point. She’s running away from her life; wife, mother, adult, and is acting like a teen, full rebellion. Most likely she will become some sort of a addict. I know she’s not happy, I sometimes feel sad about that but it’s not my fault or my responsibility. As for me, I’m dating a great woman, we are planning a great future, I’m being a great dad and things look bright. My ex will never say “I’m sorry, I was wrong, I fucked up.” But I know she does or will realize it. That helps now but each time I think of it, I care a little less. She abused me for a long time, I’m just beginning to see in how many ways. With ever thought, like a fossil forming, flesh is replaced with stone and I grow more cold, resilient and resistant to her.

    • Betrayed, many thanks for this… “With every thought, like a fossil forming, flesh is replaced with stone and I grow more cold, resilient and resistant to her.” PERFECT PICTURE!

  • When XH first abandoned me, monstering stalling then screaming his way through a painful divorce, I was temporarily billeted at my sister’s packed to the gills mobile home.
    Cheater and I used to frequent boating, camping and home improvement expos. Anyone who goes to one knows they are all about sales and contact info. Every FREE entry/drawing you enter results in a flood of junk mail. Magazine offers, credit offers, vacation club offers — boy, you name it.

    Soon as I moved in to sisters, we started getting floods of advertising mail, all addressed to him – but directly addressed her home address. (SEE, Chump? You can’t afford bills and I am looking at boats, campers, vacation homes. etc.)
    There was no other way these would have come unless he put his name and her address on the entry cards. Really was a small stab. Petty and passive, just like Cheater. She could have filled grocery bags of junk mail.

    Two years pass. A month ago, she starts getting floods MORE of the same type adverts, similarly addressed to him but with her address. Boat show was 4 weeks ago. hmmmmm.

    Looks like Cheater is fishing. Not fishing for a boat, either. Even though I thought I was “meh” at the situation, I still wound up wondering if he was this petty years on .

    Yup he was petty. Yup he got his reaction. Sister and I both wondering about this.

    • Magneto

      I do that with people who piss me off. (home address, email, cell phone details)
      Subscriptions to (weird) lifestyle magazines, life insurance, home loans, new and used cars, you name it.

      Try a bit of “return of serve” if you must. 🙂

      Maybe a dump truck load of chicken manure on their driveway ?? (paid in cash of course)

      • I was told to go to an adult workers expo (do they have those?) and fill out the cards with his return info — that would be sweet.- if that actually happened.
        BETTER yet would be “Singles dating network” fliers or Match Dot com or “Swinger’s Daily” mags.
        Wouldn’t OW love to see Single dating network promo’s adverts in the mail – with his name on them?

        ahahahahahahahhaha! I would have to know or look up his address, and I really don’t want to know.

        But any useful ideas are always welcome.

  • My daughter is eleven. She asked me last week how much longer does she have until she can stop answering his calls. That’s karma right there. She knows he sucks and she’s only eleven!

    • Let his calls go to voice mail and she can answer at her leisure. Nothing says that his calls MUST be answered asap.

      • The loser calls ONCE a week and the conversation lasts 2 minutes at most. I’m keeping track of it. So the monthly total is usually around 4. If she doesn’t answer, he calls the next day which totally skews the number lol-

  • I know she is a heartless bitch. I hope she puts him thru the same hell he put me thru. I know that is not very nice of me but i really hate that bastard.

  • Oh yes, he’s living fully immersed in cluster b world now.

    I’m starting to really see the blessing that the kids get a home that isn’t controlled by his sullenness, selfishness, or whatever issue of his that dominates the atmosphere and suck the life out of the room. As the fallout wears off, joy surfaces, the everyday small joys that should be evident in every home. No more walking on eggshells.

    For me, I’ve been right there with you CL, the moment he ran out, I realized he is just not worthy of the blessings he had and now he’s got someone who is a better fit for his deplorable character.

    His Karma is either coming to terms with the pure evil emotional annihilation of a loving wife and his own children or remaining stuck in a state of deficient morals, integrity, empathy, or ability to feel “love” on any meaningful level. Either option is a life sentence no normal person would pursue. His defense mechanisms just make him seem pathetic and small, moreso everyday as the after shock wears off.

    Who wants evil and small in a partner?The answer is an equally damaged person, the OW. Now that he’s not mirroring my values, the whole picture is ugly, not just intermittently so. My kids deserve so much better than living life with a narcissisticly inclined selfish ass and thinking that his behaviour normal.

    This lesson came as a huge sucker punch to all of our psyches, I’ll never forgive what he did to our children. But the silver lining is seeing the clear picture of who he is and steering clear of people with such traits as our lives are rebuilt. For a couple of teens, this may spare them the wasted years I invested in a life with a spouse who is beleaguered with many damaging issues that can’t be “fixed”.

    The fuckwits can have at it! We are worth so much more than this!

    • Awesome! You mirrored my thoughts exactly – love coming on here and having someone articulate it all for me so it makes sense! And yes, the joys without him (the sullenness, the selfishness!) are wonderful.

    • This speaks volumes for my situation. And my teens are really starting to see who he is. 50 year old Dr. Cheaterpants is mirroring a 20-something dimwitted, gold digging, bleach blonde bimbo ho. He’s spending money like a drunken sailor. Funny, hearing my kids say stuff like ‘well dad was in one of his moods’, ‘I got yelled at for eating a snack before supper, but it’s still not ready at 7:30 pm’, ‘I don’t want to ask dad to give me that check for his half of my club fees right now because he’s been really grouchy’.

      Two years since Dday #2 with another schmoopie in our 20 years together, I kicked his arse to the curb. He took off all giddy with the twu wuvs. They’re still together. Planning a trip to Hawaii with my kids. But just recently found out it’s supposed to be my son’s graduation gift. We’ve been before and it’s helluva expensive for everything. I’m sure he’ll be super friendly with my two teens and his young ho as he’s forking over $100’s for meals alone.

      A young ho for that old nasty man and he’s moody and grouchy? Wow, that’s the same as he was for me!

  • Well when you are going through a divorce that has dragged on for 3 years, and your stbx is intent to see you walk away with nothing, it’s kinda hard not to wish you’ll see the karma bus come screeching around the corner at any moment.

    Last week I received a dissipation claim from his side, this from the guy who has spent EVERY penny we saved over the last 18 years – That’s over a million to be exact! He spent $400,000 of it within 90 days of moving out, and he’s slapping me with a dissipation order! I’ve had 3 order to compel hearings, 1 contempt of court, 5 subpoena orders (because he won’t provide discovery). All of this while he wines and dines smoopsie, and complains to our kids I need to sell the family home “because it is making us go broke!” Oh I’m sorry I didn’t buy a new house cash and have no mortgage payment! His failure to complete 5 years of taxes left me holding half the bag for a $300,000. Tax bill. Where to you think all the funds for those taxes will be coming from?

    So yeah, I’d love to see the karma bus run him the fuck over, because god knows there’s no justice in the civil system!

    Would it make me happy to see him wading in a pool of karma drippings? You bet your ass it would!

    • OMG, he wins the Disordered Fuckwit Award. I’m so sorry. I hope you’re liberated soonest.

    • Agree, there is no justice. He abandoned us and I got the worst possible settlement because my attorney left the practice right before hearings and another atty had to stand in and was not prepared. So frustrating.

    • Hopefully the judge will see the truth and logic of your side of the question and then he’ll be REALLY sorry when he’s compelled to pay up. Keeping my fingers crossed for you.

  • I’d love to be at meh. But the ex’s current plan has been to poison my kids not just against me, but now my very nice boyfriend. I can’t win. The ex has my son believing that my bf stole some of ex’s things!. Can you imagine how depressing that is for me? My son saying that it must be true that my bf took his father’s things, because his father ‘never lies to him’. I told him that his father does nothing but lie. Their evil sometimes just continues on and on. How can I be meh with this? My son is 25, not a child. (Btw my new bf had no access to these ‘things’ and there is no possible validity to this lie) It’s like the ex is the Terminator. Makes me ill. Literally.

  • In my mind, they have already failed. I know that my ex was a failure at everything, husband, father, even getting fired from his job. She, two broken families and a son in a juvenile detention facility. I hope that she is enjoying “propping” him up to appear to be something that he is not. Both, living lives where the truth cannot be told. Also, karma is the fact that his insurance (COBRA) expires at the end of this month. Just hoping that his new $15,000 + plan covers Cialis! He had an eighteen month extension of MY plan. Me, I have the house, a great job, great health insurance and great new friends (and am also glad to no longer be a part of his extremely dysfunctional family.)

    • Amen and hallelujah to being out of the dysfunctional family. I will not miss that freak show one bit.

  • Okay….I’m FAMOUS for daily rants about needing karma.
    Chumplady, you are speaking to me today.
    Just hear me out…..I do think there’s something just human about reacting based on how things went down.
    They all suck. If they suck you decided to pack your shit (or theirs) and get out it’s still awful and scary, but you control that.
    When you make dinner and your husband says “hey, can I speak to you alone for a second?” And 5 min later you find out your 20 year marriage is over, I think it’s just different.
    I hope I don’t get jumped here, and I may not be articulating this correctly so take it easy….getting cheated on and mindfucked is awful no matter who pulls the trigger. But, for the purposes of this post I’ll say I think perhaps the discarded feel the need for karma more than the ones that ended it.
    There’s just something about the cowardly dickhead that just rips the rug out from under you….complete with the gloating mistress who walks around wearinh your old life that makes you wish a metor would fall on them…..ain’t gonna lie.
    I’m happy….and if he suddenly became single I wouldn’t even answer his call. I would be happy his world blew up though.
    I don’t ask about him ever, sometimes mutual friends just tell me they’ve seen him. I always only ask if he’s still fat because carry a hefty life insurance policy on him. That usually shuts people down.
    I’ll continue to work on my zen.

    • I agree, Paintwidow, that anything that renders us helpless–like being left instead of throwing the bum out–is more painful and makes it harder to get to a state of indifference.

      • I also understand the need to have the relationship end. For me, it an issue more about my children who are 7 and 10 and still highly impressionable. I don’t want them around a woman who:

        a) Does not have custody of her own children. According to her, it’s her “abusive” ex-husband’s fault (She claims abusive but I have yet to meet someone who knows him or their family who agrees with that, but I guess you never know). A mother does not lose custody of her children for no good reason.

        b) Had a peace bond issued against her for 12 months to keep the peace with the husband she was arrested for assaulting in the spring of 2016. According to her, she was made an example of by the police, and it was really him that got physical with her first but the police arrested her because her ring cut his cheek before the police arrived. Family members of the husband have explained that she was drunk when she attacked the husband in front of the children (she had been having an affair) and that is why she was arrested. She was taken to jail to sober up.

        c) Complained that she was forced to take anger management classes by the court when her husband is the one in need of anger management. Well, I obtained a copy of the peace bond from the court house. The only order the judge wrote on it was that she was not allowed to contact the husband unless in writing and only in regards to matters involving the children. I await the court transcripts to learn what actually transpired that night according to the police (got to love freedom of information). If she was somehow forced to attend anger management classes, it was not done by the courts. My guess is that it was advised by her lawyer that she do a bunch of things to help build her case for eventually fighting for custody of her kids.

        d) Claims that the husband poisons the kids against her and keeps them from her. My investigation at the family law court turned up not one single court date in which she petitioned for custody of her children. She has not tried to fight for her children in court in the two years since she and her husband split. If she was such a great mother who presented well, any lawyer would be willing to represent her and encourage her to take this to court. However, there is a signed legal separation agreement through a mediator (not filed through the court), which means that she agreed to only see her kids on Thursday evenings and every other weekend. She made this bed she lies in and now spews venom about to her “knight in shining armour” (my husband).

        e) As of summer of 2017, she had yet to pay a single dime of child support for her own three children or equalization payments since the separation of spring 2016. It’s probably been longer than that but summer of 2017 was the last time my husband left records of her business and personal finances on our home computer. He was doing her accounting and personal budget. I know how she spends every single penny. No child support payments made that entire time. But, $500 car payment, $380 on a Harley motorcycle payment, $200 a month on make-up at Sephora, $150 a month for getting her hair done. On the line called “Kids” on the expenses report of her personal spending, there is the occasional $80-100. I’m a mother of two, it costs a hell of a lot more than $100 a month to support kids.

        f) In the emails I discovered between them there is more than one reference to her visit to her alcohol advisor and concern expressed on my husband’s part that he was pushing her too far emotionally with his indecisiveness about the relationship. What is an alcohol advisor? Same as an AA sponsor? Is she an alcoholic? Yet my husband often told me that their “emotional” affair consisted of him going over for a bottle of wine and talking (full of shit as the emails prove their relationship was physical all along). Should she be drinking?

        g) She regularly consults with psychics and performs “chants” to bring “positivity” in to her home and life. All actions that go against the spiritual beliefs of our faith and are believed to cause great spiritual harm. You do not invoke powers to do your bidding. These are considered actions against God. But, the hubby is trying to convince his family that she is Catholic and goes to church regularly.

        Although he so far has kept this woman separate from the kids, I know it’s just a question of when, not if, she becomes a part of their lives.

        Legally, I know that I cannot control whether or not my children’s father includes this woman in the their lives. However, I can try to limit her interaction with the kids to some degree. I am pushing in the separation agreement/parenting plan to invoke morality clauses (ie: the sleeping over of partners) and I am looking to push that she is not to be left alone with my children. Should they end up moving in together (which I know my husband was already fantasizing about the house he wanted to buy with her), she is never to be left along caring for my children. Hence the reason that I am collecting evidence that her capacity to care for the well-being of her own children is questions, so why should she get to ever care for mine. Should he ever need to leave the kids for a chunk of time during his time with them, I have first right of refusal to care for them or it must go to a family member (ie: grandparents) or approved third-party sitter, but it is never to be her.

        Suffice it to say, it would just be easier if their relationship blew up in smoke. Perhaps as they ride off into the sunset on her Harley, they can just burn to ashes. There is no way that I can ever feel that this woman is a good person. However, a new woman down the road, I could better come to terms that she could be an honourable person.

        • I’d say karma has already hit your husband he just doesn’t know it yet. Wow he has a real beaut on his hands. I love the chanting and bringing the positive into her life bit. What a hoot. If she were smart she’d lay low and not bring the universe’s attention on to herself. The sad part is your kids will have to deal with this freak…….as long as they know she’s a freak and take her with a grain of salt they may be ok.

        • Wow, Option,
          So this OW creature “regularly consults with psychics and performs “chants” to bring “positivity” in to her home and life.” That’s a twist on being a Jesus cheater and on ‘I think, hence I exist’: I chant, hence I am good. I am positive, hence I am good.

          All the rest, including her shit and evil character are taken care of.

          My ex’s schmoopie does a variation of this too.

    • I am with you. My ex left me, too, and then I found out why when I discovered the affair. My whole world was thrown off kilter and to see him with her is a form of rejection. He rejected ME, the one that put up with SO MUCH, who raised his kids from his first marriage, who bent over backwards to accommodate him, who stayed with him when he went to jail three times, who made excuses and tried to understand why he was the way he was. Who divorced him and then gave him a second chance and he STILL didn’t change like he led me to believe. And to be left after all that and replaced? Yeah. It hurts. So if it blows up in their faces…I wouldn’t be one bit sad.

    • Hi paintwidow, I understand how you feel, really.

      To be discarded with no warning is horrible, and I get what you say about the helpless feeling.

      Honestly though, I truly think it doesn’t make much difference in terms of wanting karma to hit the fuckwits.

      Is there a difference between karma and revenge ? Because *revenge* is what *I* want – yes, I threw out my cheater as soon as I found out, got a solicitor, went total NC. But none of that stops me wanting violent, bloody revenge.

      The fucker wanted me living with him in his flat, with his fuckbuddy renting the spare room !
      And after reading his financial statement before the First Appointment, I find out the shitbag cashed in £24000 of marital assets and spent the lot on himself and his skank cunt chav whore.

      I am just consumed with rage and hatred right now, wanting revenge/justice, and the fact that
      I took the initiative truly doesn’t make any difference to my desire to see both the bastards *suffer* ????????.

      Maybe it’s because I’m still in the thick of it. I’m definitely nowhere near Tuesday or men, although I get occasional whiffs some days.

      Maybe when it’s truly all over, it’s possible, but I can’t do it right now.

      (((Hugs))) to you, they are allbastards and deserve the worst possible, and I hope to God they get it. I’m afraid, for me, being their own selves as punishment just isn’t enough !

    • I totally get it. I gave ex the gift of an opportunity to reconcile and he threw it back in my face. It is the insult of being left for a lesser person that makes us crave Karma. I don’t even necessarily want Ex or even Schmoopie to be miserable for the rest of their lives , I just don’t want them to be happy together.

      • Recovery, I have a different reaction:
        Schmoops of D-Day makes sparkledick look so utterly ridiculous, vulgar and shallow, that I actually got kicks out of showing her instagram to friends (after they took a pill for nausea). I actually feel bad about my feeling of glee when I saw their reaction of disgust.

        And I was actually disappointed when sparkledick moved on from Schmoops of D-Day to another schmoopie because I really want someone to take the jackass OFF my sons’ hands and OUT of their bank accounts. But Schmoops of D-Day must have concluded that this hen laid no golden eggs, and in reality is broke and so she dumped him.

        Sparkledick retires with a very small pension, especially for one who enjoys the lifestyle of a Master-of-the-Universe. I retire with full pay. This would be karma enough for me, except for the consequences of this for my sons. Since as long he is in a position of pseudo-power sparkledick attracts flatterfucks I have no hope that my sons will be free of this responsibility of their jackass-of-a-father in his penniless old age.

        I wish I could go through life never again seeing or hearing of sparkledick, karma or no karma, but, alas, son’s wedding is coming up and I will have to be in the same room as the jerk.

    • I get it. You are completely entitled to want a Brinks truck to take them both out and leave them on the side of the road in excruciating pain and unable to pass out or die to escape their condition. LOL … yes, no anger on my part either, obviously!! The trick is to move on, be happy, and not dwell on such thoughts too much. But that doesn’t mean one can’t indulge in the thought every now and again … ever so briefly … (hee hee)

    • Yes. For me, the abandonment is harder to heal from than the betrayal (STBX ensured that, twisting the knife and underscoring my disposability on his way out). Six months after DDay, I want justice more than indifference. #alsoaworkinprogress.

      • Abandonment is hard. You feel taken advantage of and that he’s walking away with a piece of you that you gave in trust. Mine met the other woman within a month of starting his job after I put him through three years of full-time university studies. He claims that he realized a few years ago that I wasn’t meeting his needs. Maybe I wasn’t, but I was still serving a purpose. Once he was done school and secured employment, he moved on. What a coward. Rather than properly separate with some dignity, he couldn’t be alone and had to line up a Plan B trade down. He spent over a year determining if she was worth the risk before leaving, all the while taking me on the most evil ride of my life.

        • I’m so sorry. The entitlement among these characters is vile–I had been supporting STBX for multiple years while he worked part-time, wrote his book, and refused to consider positions/fields he deemed to be “beneath him.” Guess who left as soon as he was ready to submit the manuscript?

        • My ex wanted to leave her full-time job for one that paid less. The new job didn’t offer health insurance for dependents, and rather than have her talk to her son’s dad to arrange for coverage, I volunteered to form a legal domestic partnership, thus giving her access to my bank account. She later decided she wanted to go to nursing school part-time and take an even lower paying part-time job. Of course I agreed, and I was proud to support her while she did it. After about three months she decided that working part-time was too difficult, so she quite working entirely to be a part-time student. Before too long she started complaining that I wasn’t helping enough with household chores, despite me dealing with some significant health issues. When the money in our savings account was low, she left me, went to the bank, and took a third of the money out. The money that she only had access to because I provided her son with health insurance. She later said she’d been thinking about leaving for at least eight months, during which I of course paid all of our bills.

    • Paintwidow, I get it but; I’d be much happier if the exasshole had discarded and was no longer interested. If I could be sure of it. Instead I keep renewing the protective order because I don’t want him to show up with a gun again. So when you are looking for karma, try to feel the good in that you are not afraid he’ll hurt you. Next year I won’t get that PO renewed, he hasn’t done anything to convince a judge this year. And let me be clear, I want that asshole dead so I can feel safe, that would be justice and karma from my view,. sometimes the discarded may not want karma more than those who ended it. Just sayin. Jedi Hugs!

  • This was good for me to read today. I found out Ex just bought a beautiful, big new house for Schmoopie. Thing is, he and I could have afforded it when we were together, but we were, supposedly, saving for the future and trying to keep a manageable mortgage. I can’t help but feel like a total loser as I scroll through the pics of this crown molded, lake front place on Zillow. That shit hurts. Why didn’t he do things like that for me?

    This post does help dull the pain a bit. I need to stop caring. Thanks, Chump Lady. Thanks everyone 🙂

    • Liz C–my X did the same thing. I got the family home and he moved (with AP) into a house straight out of an Interior Design magazine, overlooking Lake Travis.

      But shallow and glittery is all they’ve got. You have depth and integrity, which allows you, post-divorce, to seek out other people with depth & integrity. I know it hurts. Keep inching your way toward your own hobbies and a friendship circle of all-admirable people. Depth is better than a mansion. Hugs.

      • They need to keep up an image. Their facade depends upon projecting success. But unfortunately they always need more and more. They are truly ugly and rotten on the inside. Never happy or satisfied. Always envious and wanting what someone else has. Furious that anyone else has anything. That is how i see my x. I think that is why they are so horrid before they leave. They fear being envious of what they don’t have anymore. Us. So they try to destroy us. Don’t let them do it! And try to keep in mind why they said all those horrible things to us. Its completely about them. It is an attempt to calm their fears of loss. The loss of us.

        • Its hard to trust that they suck. Especially when you thought you were happy. I think some are just really good at keeping the mask on. Mine was. But once i saw who he was i realized he was always that person and that person is a complete and total nightmare. From hell.
          For whatever reason i was allowed to see clearly and get away from that monster.
          He can live in his great big house and pretend all he wants that he is happy but he will never live in my house again. It gives me a strange sense of accomplishment to know that.

          • Right On sister!
            For me, the devalue and discard clouded any history, any joy of partner, children
            The most devastating three years of my life
            He will never step in my home again and take my time
            Don’t look back, there’s nothing there.
            Time to go fly fishing with one of my friends.
            Have a wonderful weekend CN, get outside

    • Same Liz-C. The X lives in a lake house with schmoopie while I am now selling family home and moving to an apartment (though its a very nice apartment). DD spending more time at lake house even when her dad not there. I guess Im still not at Meh because this hurts. I WISH that I wasn’t hoping for Karma bus but if I’m truthful with myself I am hoping it will happen . And I know they both suck. Really looking forward to totally not giving a rats ass.

    • After my XH of 40 years left me for his married Howorker — “I need to be with someone who’s more like me (oh, right, another immoral fuckwit of a cheater!)” — he feighed poverty and to “prove” just how hard our split had been on him, he moved into an absolute dump of an apartment that would have scared the shit out of any self-respecting drug-dealing, gun-packing gangster.

      Fast forward 5 years… past our 3-year separation, past our divorce, past Howorker’s own separation and divorce… and the “happy couple” is now married. They live in a big beautiful home overlooking the Ohio River and the beautiful Cincinnati skyline that was purchased for cash from her divorce settlement (her XH was a very successful attorney).

      I’m sure my XH thinks he’s struck gold. He’s with someone “who’s more like him” AND he’s living in a showpiece of a house that he didn’t have to pay one red cent for.


      Meanwhile, I am living in an adorable bungalow that I bought with my own hard-earned money, and have turned it into a home filled with peace, hospitality and authenticity. No, I don’t see the river or the impressive skyline. But I am living in a place filled with joy and truth and when I look at the calendar, most of the days — while not perfect — are marked as Tuesdays. This is my wish for everyone in CN.

      • Don’t know what the common law laws are where you live. But, in one year, he’ll be entitled to half of the worth of that home. He can walk away from that relationship with half of the money she used to purchase that home. She’ll be the one chumped. You get the satisfaction of knowing that she got her just desserts, even though it means he’s walking away with all that cash. Half the karma will have been delivered, at least. Foolish woman!

        • OptionNoMore:

          According to Google, they live in an equitable distribution state which means that marital property should be divided equally in a divorce. But maybe she’s smarter than the average whore and had him sign a prenup (after all, she *was* married to an attorney) which states she’ll keep the house should their twu luv union blow up. Secretly, I think it would be lovely if he ended up back in that craphole of an apartment he lived in before!

        • Not if OWife has documents showing she paid the equity for that house out of her divorce settlement. “Equitable distribution” and “community property” are counted from the time of the marriage and do not include what assets either person brought into the marriage (as long as they have documentation).

        • I think if she places the house in a trust, he won’t be able to touch it. That is my understanding but not really sure.

      • MyRedSandals, I will move shortly to a small bungalow myself. From 420M2 to 75M2, with a garden, birds, close to work and its MINE. Sparkledick rented (I had better lawyers) a large house in a posh neighborhood, swimming pool etc., that he really can’t afford (if he can, he hid $ from me in the divorce).

        Your story reminds me of mine (I was also married for 40 years [and 3 days], I’m 66). I am sure karma will come for your XH: no one stays married to an ogre for 40 years. Instead they cheat and eat cake for 40 years. Bloodsucking parasites were living off our hospitable bodies for 40 years.

        • ClearWaters:

          When my XH said he was moving out, I told him that he had rocks for brains if he thought I was going to fight to stay in our 3-story 3,600 square-foot family home and pay that mortgage and take care of that property all by myself. He could either stay in the house himself and assume 100% of the responsibility for it, or it was going on the market the following month. He wisely chose the latter; besides marrying me, that was the only smart thing he’s done since 1974.

  • Oh, I needed this today. I wish they would split up, that his Stupid Girlfriend would dump his 20+ year older ass and he could feel a smidge of what I felt. But I know even if they do split up, he won’t really understand what he’s done to me and our children.

    His girlfriend has emailed me twice – once a fake Reply All (impossible because I wasn’t on the original email) and last week a nasty mockery of my “old pussy”. I trust that they suck and that their true punishment is being themselves. I firmly believe that living well is the best revenge (and looking great doesn’t hurt either). But it’s good to get a reminder.

    However, antibiotic resistant gonorrhea for the pair of them wouldn’t sadden me either.

    • Chump you her email is all the proof you ever need. There is nothing that could ever make her 20 year old ass happy. She is rotten on the inside and she sent you an email laying it all out for you. These people are truly miserable envious souls. And i liked what someone said here today: feeling miserable because of what happened to us doesn’t make us miserable people. Its true. We could never be in such a constant state of rotting ugliness as these x’s and ow’s are.

    • Chump you, people who are blissfully happy don’t send abusive e mails. Thats what bitter people do. Gloating is for people who are desperately trying to PROVE that they are happier and better than you…but they know it’s a lie.

      • I know! I know you’re right – in my head. My gut feels like it’s been punched, though. It’s taking my emotions some time to catch up to my brain. Thankfully I listen mostly to my brain and am mostly NC (except when kids require it).

    • How about a legal “Restraining Order” based on the nasty email; see your attorney.

    • Old pussy? Try old and wise pussy. Wait until she gets a bit older and gets dumped for a younger woman. That will be karma.

      You should forward that email to your ex. Don’t make a comment, just send it. What a nasty creature.

      • Oh, I did forward it to him. He was actually on it as well, and she cc’ed me. Second time she’s done this. I’m considering a restraining order but will wait until we file for divorce. One more email from her and it’s happening.

  • Twu Luv: this is what it looks like for my ex:

    Douchebag McGee’s twu luv works with him (her mother pulled some strings to get her the job as an assistant) and they are getting married Saturday. Prior to that, she worked at the Pump N’ Pantry (local gas station in a town I would never want to live in). I am not hating on gas station workers, however she is so very different from me (I did go to college and received a full ride for my master degree, which was exciting). I still find it fascinating. So I have my freedom at 43, as our kids are grown. He is now helping care for her two kids 12 and 9. They took out a vehicle loan at 19.4% for 7 years, both have gained a lot of weight together and they live in that town together.

    Yet……he drove by my neighborhood a few weeks ago, passed him on the way out. His job is 30 minutes south of my house and his house is another 20 minutes south of his work. He has no reason to be in my town. Twu Luv isn’t as blissful as it was supposed to be. It’s funny how things change when the actuality of real life sets in…..runny noses, screaming kids, cleaning up a messy house (back in the day he told me how she was so messy and her house smelled like pee…, okay) and the monotony of daily living…..what we had.

    I will be honest, it was hard as hell getting through the shitstorm, however I actually enjoy my quiet time now. I don’t have to elbow him to stop snoring. I don’t have to wonder about where my place is in his life. I don’t have to constantly reassure him about how good he is and how he is so valuable for having a good job. I don’t have to worry about what mood he will be in. I don’t have to fake orgasms. I don’t have to listen to him complain about ex wife #3. I don’t have to double check to make sure bills were paid. I get to be me without having to fill someone else’s cup all the time. It is really nice!

    • Oh boy. I can so relate to all of this! My ex hooked up with a ho that looks like a truck stop waitress – wears so much blue eyeshadow and has greasy hair. It’s just gross. She has a low paying job and never went to college. I have two college degrees, I’m a published author, and have my shit together. All our kids are grown. And ex went to this woman who has three boys from two different guys (never married) and the youngest are 7 and 8! WHY would he want to saddle himself with that??? I just don’t get it, especially when he told me that we would never babysit future grandchildren because he didn’t like kids.

      But like your ex, mine always keeps hoovering back. A few times, he texted me because he was in a bad space mentally and so he came crying to me. Asked me to lunch and when I said, “Well, what will SHE think about that?”, he replied, “What she doesn’t know won’t hurt her.” He even told me, “I still think about us.”

      So no. She didn’t get a prize. He most certainly didn’t. I’m glad he’s no longer around because my life is sooooo much better. But yeah. I still wish one of them would cheat on the other and it will all blow up.

      • AAAH! The Karma bus has HAS arrived for your Ex; he’s got what he asked for, and so has she. They are just right for each other!

        • I think it may have grazed him a bit. But I have a feeling he will stay with her for awhile because otherwise, he’d have to admit that he made a huge, ginormous mistake.

      • Keepin Calm-
        In the end I think he didn’t think he deserved me; he was always intimidated by my success professionally. So, he settled for someone that will never outshine him and will think he’s fascinating and brilliant no matter what. She would set herself on fire to keep him warm….. no thanks.

        Some men just can’t handle being with a strong woman who has their shit together. It makes them feel less than….. and that is a them issue. I’m not there to resolve issues going back to childhood about his mom not being affirming enough or some other ridiculousness.

        • Yes, exactly! He even told me that he thought he didn’t deserve me. I think he was jealous of my success, as well.

          I think our cheaters must be very similar. Our situations sound almost identical.

        • OMG…same here. He told me that I was too strong and that he needed someone who is less strong. Said that he knew that he would never be able to tell me what he really thinks. When I asked why, he just looked helpless. Also, he told me that life with me is too busy and too filled with responsibilities. He wants to be happy. He wants to have fun. He doesn’t want things to be so complicated.

          Well buddy. I work a six-figure salary job. There is a price for earning more money. The job carries more demands and a greater degree of pressure. We have a son with autism. I have a mother with health issues, and I am her primary care giver. You’ll have to excuse me if I wasn’t fun enough. Please forgive me for not engaging more in fun, meaningless conversation and for not just ignoring our issues. I know that I can never live up to the fun and lightheartedness that the OW is capable of because we actually have a history. We’ve been through things such as our daughter being born two months early in NICU for a month, therapies for our son, him being laid off twice in our marriage, him returning to university for three years in which I was the sole income earner.

          I represent too much adulting. Too much accountability. Fixing our issues is just too much work. He felt it would be easier to take the lessons learned from the 1000s of dollars spent on marriage counselling and apply it to his affair relationship to ensure that they can beat the odds that are against their relationship working out in the long term. He said that would be easier.

          • Holy cats. He is such a JERK. He wants to have more fun? What is he, 7 years old? Do these fuckwits not understand that when they get married, they’re going to have adult responsibilities with their spouses? Honestly. The idiocy is just massive.

    • I like to think that when the realities of life kick in and the glitter has blown away, they lie awake at night and think, what the fuck have I done.

    • Did you actually have to fake an orgasm? I never got that far. One or two oooh-oohs and it’s all over. It’s all about them….aaah

      • I never faked one (I don’t think), but if I didn’t have one, he’d get really upset. It just put a tremendous amount of pressure on me. I hated it. Sometimes, if I didn’t have one, he’d pout and say, “Well, I’m not going to do it, either.” And I was like, NO, YOU HAVE TO because you’re easier to get along with when you get laid! hahahaha!

      • Miyuki-
        Yes, a few times. He’d get angry about me not enjoying it enough and start self-loathing so I’d fake it so he felt good about himself. Constantly reassuring him that it was big enough, that he satisfied me (which I admit I told him I hope he wonders if he satisfies her every time they sleep together after he said something pretty horrible) and that he was the best I ever had.

      • LOL ! Miyuki, how long were you married….? That is funny,…well, not funny for YOU but I totally related to what you said….It was all about him. It was not about pleasing his wife (me) it was just all for him….so it blows my mind how HOworker hung in there,,,, I know it was for the money, I know she was doing all the work in the bedroom…I know she required and probably demanded that she have her big O because I found that he had been back and forth to a doctor, I think he was trying to make sure he provided her with the best D he could. Whatever he needed to do for that I don’t know, Maybe he was getting Viagra to last longer for her….She was a needy whore. Reason I say this was because of his bedroom antics with me. Either that or he was saving the good sex for her….
        He did have blood pressure issues so Viagra usually raises the BP..Maybe that’s my clue…he was good for her in the bedroom.

  • Amen and hallelujah to being out of the dysfunctional family. I will not miss that freak show one bit!

  • Trust me (and trust Tracy)–You WANT the cheaters to stay together. Why?

    1-Makes it more likely that the cheater won’t keep slithering around trying to regain you, the chump, as Plan B (or C or D or E or F). The main way to get on the path to a Great New Life is to make sure cheater is as faaaaarrrrrrr away (psychologically) as possible. Let the OW/OM keep them engaged, because then cheater is less likely to engage with you.

    2-They deserve each other, they really do. I know that from your safe distance, hearing glimpses of their Glittery New Life, it seems like the cheater won. But it’s the same illusion as seeing some Christmas ornament glittering from afar, only to get up close and realize it is both cheap plastic and hollow.

    Hannibal Lecher, post-divorce, moved into a mega-nice house overlooking the water, moved in with his younger-than-me-girlfriend, has been traveling around the world and staying in posh hotels on his journeys, and just bought a Tesla. I laughed at the Tesla. I don’t give a damn about his house or his travel or his younger-than-me girlfriend, because I am glad SHE (his last AP) has to travel with him and not me.

    Chances are your cheater treated you pretty poorly even before the cheating, or flew into rages when he/she didn’t get his/her way, or gave you the silent treatment regularly, or had horrible habits to live with, or was financially/morally/parentally irresponsible. Do we miss that? Hell no. Have they changed? Hell no. Chances are, if you have any contact with the cheater because of kids, they will give you ample evidence that their suckitude and manipulation and generally assholery-ness continues. Pay attention to that–do you really want assholery-ness in your life on a quotidian basis? Hell no.

    Go craft your own fabulous life; the Chump getting to live large is karma, not whether cheater careens off a cliff.

    • Thanks @Tempest! These are great reminders on how the shit fest that was D-Day began so much earlier in the relationship, and that they don’t have a character transplant with the new APs.

    • That is a big part of it, trusting that they won’t be better for the AP. I think Tracy has written articles on that one too. I struggle with that. I know how charming ex was for me in the beginning and that lasted quite a few years actually. Now that is the side of him that Schmoopie is seeing and it is hard not to imagine that he will stay that way for her, that maybe it really was something about me that caused him to change and treat me differently. Or maybe it wasn’t me but maybe he will try harder to do better this time. Sometimes I think that is what did us in. He had treated me badly at times. I forgave but perhaps he knew that I knew he had mistreated me and he wanted to escape from that shame by being with someone he has never mistreated. Maybe he will try harder not to do that again so he doesn’t have to live with shame. He is always striving for perfection. Maybe he will get it right this time and not make the same mistakes twice. These are the kinds of things that keep me awake at night although I know they shouldn’t. I really am trying to stop caring, but it isn’t easy.

      • I am in complete agreement with you. I wonder the same, if he is treating her better because I think they are more compatible than we were – i.e. he likes to drink and smoke and listen to heavy metal (I don’t); he likes to tell awful, embarrassing jokes, hang out in his garage and go to crappy biker dive bars (I don’t). He likes to hang around people who are criminals and white trash.

        So, yeah. We were not compatible in a lot of ways. But I guess if that’s what he wants…to be with someone who does those things and cheated with a married man, he’s getting what he deserves.

      • Dr. Cheaterpants divorced a cheating wife after less than a year of marriage (supposedly). He had purchased a book titles something like ‘101 Ways To Be Romantic’. At the time, the young naive me thought it was sweet and showed he was really trying. Now I know he hadn’t the first clue how to be romantic because he’s a narcissist and has not an ounce of empathy. His biggest complaint about his ex wife was she didn’t take off work with him when he had the flu and she was all the time hanging around the college students she taught therefore he thought she was cheating.

        I also thought him calling me 3 times the day of our first date was sweet and he was really wanted to impress me. Nope, now I know it was due to his very high maintenance, neediness and kibble seeking behaviors. He couldn’t wipe his ass without someone telling him what a great and thorough job he did, otherwise he would feel slighted and unappreciated.

        I’m sure he’s loads better for young schmoops 😛

        • twiceachump
          I remember my narcissist telling me that ding dong the witch is dead about his first wife….I wondered what she could have done that was so bad that he hated her? Now, I know he was a narcissist and she probably ‘failed’ by not giving him ample and uber amounts of praise and fawning over ,,,and whatever else In hindsight he has no love for anyone. But the new HO was definitely giving him everything he wanted because she did not suffer the discard. She was really towing the line with the compliments and she was desperate so she was probably a freak in the sheets for him….especially cuz it meant getting him away from his wife. She’s a dog so imagine that notch on her belt. To be able to steal a married man away from his wife. I will never ever forget that. I suffered such humiliation knowing he was touching that howorker and actually having sex with her. What a whore and what a narcissist he is.

      • @ChumpInRecovery: This is exactly what keeps my stomach churning, too. Maybe he’s better for her… and maybe it was something in me that brought out the ugly in him. Working really hard to notice these thought patterns of mine, acknowledge but then release them.

        • TorontoChump-
          Don’t own that “brought out the ugly in him”. Were you a crappy wife? I don’t know however you were not deserving of the deceit and lies. Adults act like adults and own their shit. Did I make mistakes in my marriage? Absolutely. Was I less than stellar? Absolutely. But the thing that Douchebag McGee could have done was end our marriage before starting another relationship and putting me at risk for STDs. He could have just ended it. Instead he had me believing that if I would be a better wife and ignore his infidelity that I could reclaim my marriage. I begged for our marriage for months knowing he was still sleeping and going on trips with homeslice…. and for that, he will never be anything other than a self serving prick.

          • lost dead weight
            yeah you’re right. Why keep us when they have homeslit to run to have sex with? WHY pretend that they don’t have slitty girl and smile in our face ? this is what puzzles me. Why did he just not get divorced? He had no kids so those who know about sluttyslitty girl was interfering into our marriage behind the scenes wonder, then why did he just not file for divorce? I think it’s because he was a narcissist that had a game plan to hide his earnings with ho face until he was ready to spring the final deval discard and go off with the marital assets to take care of homeless no more botox baggage girl with two kids with god knows who their father is.. who’s there baby daddies? But just use me a pawn in their chess game. I am sure it brought them uber thrills to be getting one over on me all these years…oh the laughs and the fun they must have had laughing about me with all his rotten low down lies…

      • My ex did the same thing with his last marriage, he’s two for two now
        Wish I had known that before, no there’s no character implant.
        I’m not risking my emotional health with him

      • chumpinrecovery
        I think about the same things all the time. I wondered why she is being treated like a queen and that she never had to suffer the devaluation phase or the mini discard and the change of being degrading and blameshifting. All she saw was being whisked off on jets to beautiful vacations and meals, pretending he was on business trips, and money and jewels, etc. She was definitely his whore in some sort of arrangement. She knew all about him, she worked alongside him. I have to believe that he never ever said a harsh word to her or showed the side he showed me. He was unbelievable charming to me in the beginning and remained charming when he was successfully hiding his huge romance with her. It keeps me up at night thinking how she was treated like a queen, in love with home most definitely and he kept his image polished.
        I’m sure he learned how to be better with her, he started exercising buying new clothes, teeth whitening, etc. ALLLL for her. He became the perfect knight in shining armor that swept her off her feet. But what I learned is that narcissists will mirror what they need to do to be everything that woman wants in a man. SO there’s that. That’s why he’s different towards the Ho. And mine was working with her…so he could never ever be mean to her because then that would ruin his perfect image and it could piss her off and she could turn on him and blow up his perfect image. SO there was a lot at play here…Don’t forget they learn how to improve from US. They don’t make the same mistakes again. Everything he would buy me he’d buy her the bigger version….he knew I didn’t like snoring so he had it fixed ….for her….etc etc etc

    • Imagine owning a Tesla and then being afraid to park it too near to Tempest’s house when picking up the child … ha ha … maybe not so mentally at peace as he pretends to be. Poor dear (dickhead.)

    • So true Tempest! The AP gets to deal with his financial irresponsibility…his bad habits (PLENTY of those I couldn’t break him of)….dealing with his dysfunctional family..his jerky friends….etc
      I’m much happier without him!

    • Sometimes I wish I could be a fly on the wall when they’re together, simply for the entertainment value.

      My ex had undiagnosed sleep apnea. I knew because he’d fall asleep faster than me, and if he was on his back, his snoring would gradually get loud and then STOP because he stopped breathing altogether. Then, he’d gasp for air, and the cycle would continue. As his wife, this was very scary to hear, no to mention that his sleep wasn’t restful at all (or mine as a result). Early on, I learned that he breathed better when he slept on his side. His airway was never cut off, so he didn’t wake up gasping. He was also quieter, so bonus points for the rest of us in the house.

      Of course, this eventually turned into, “You won’t let me sleep on my back! You’re always forcing me to sleep on my side, and I hate it.” Because I’m a tyrant, after all. He even blamed me for increased ear wax accumulation in one of his ears because of “how I made him sleep”.

      I guarantee that bastard still tries to sleep on his back, and now the OW gets to hear him snoring and gasping. If she ever woke him up or said anything about it, I know he’d hate it.

      As for me, I share my bed with my dog and sleep peacefully every night.

      I’d love to hear that he and the OW broke up, but I don’t waste time thinking about it. It’s simply not worth it.

      • JAS-
        Or that she finally couldn’t handle the snoring and subdued the noise with a pillow….

    • tempest
      Love the assholery-ness ! That’s great.
      You know what miss hole Howorker had the big house overlooking the water. I still wonder how a mother of 2 with small children needed a 5 bedroom beachhouse. No, there’s got to be more to the story…he must have bought it with her while married to me…THE assholery-ness is just off the charts !
      But guess what, she can no longer have him..she’s relegated to visiting a tombstone …which she probably doesn’t because she’s got no more dream of getting him to leave and be her husband anymore….I’m sure sh’es very well off …her Hole-ery skills only paid off to a certain extent. I may not have much, but I don’t have miss Hole and Mr AssHole to be backstabbing me behind my back anymore. It would not have been fun to be in a divorce with someone who has been fucking a coworker all these years and I never got the memo….I just know in hindsight, it would have been Brutual because they both would have destroyed me together !

  • Here is the karma I achieved for the chump: I met this man who pursued me and presented himself as divorced, free, single and a “RENTER”, yes he called himself a ‘renter’. Then after months of his narcissistic manipulation of me for his kibbles I learned he lived with a woman with whom both he and she had cheated on their then spouses and began living together while still married, the guy for two years and the woman for 5 years, until her husband died. Why? Because the cheater guy was a divorce planner and advised her to so she could inherit everything and he, the cheater guy, could benefit financially. So now I learn he is cheating with me, cheating on the cheater woman and that he was a serial cheater with many women. I find the ex-wife. I let her know her ex-hub is cheating on the woman with whom he had cheated with on her! Vindication and some powerful karma. And I sweetened the karma for the ex-wife by sending a certified, signed receipt letter (with approval of the ex-wife) to the guy’s current livewith. And I sent it along with just a few of his 2000+ emails and letters to me. I know they are still together, likely for two reasons-as Chumplady has mentioned, ‘to prove to the world they made the right decision, tu wuv’ and ALSO because the house the cheater woman bought to house the cheater and penniless man’s two sons is $130,000 underwater from the initial purchase in Palatine Illinois in 2007 at $410,000. And has a 30 year mortgage. The ex-wife and I have had many giggles and that is a balm. We hear tidbits about them being together only for the financial reasons and that they just maintain appearances but are both miserable with each other. He needs a roof because he can’t afford one for himself and she needs the money he has to give her because now he has become the “RENTER”.

  • Karma (or Law of the Universe) always comes, maybe not on the timeline we would prefer but it comes. However the disordered never have an epiphany when it does come and think wow I guess I had this coming since I behaved badly to (Fill in blank). Nope. They only think of themselves and their anger/hurt not the people they inflicted their lousy behavior on. One OWife that took part in blowing up a marriage and never failed to flaunt her wonderful relationship with the cheater who became her husband in the ex wife’s face, was brutally dumped by cheater husband. All she did was play victim and make jabs about lying cheaters on her facebook account. The irony went way over her pea brain head. So yes they’ll get theirs in the end but don’t count on them figuring out why it happened or regretting the pain they inflicted upon their family.

  • I will admit that I have struggled with this one too. I worked hard to be a good wife to my ex and for many years I thought I was doing a good job of it. He went out of his way to make me think that. In the end it turns out I was inadequate, however. I knew he was unhappy, but I didn’t know how much of his unhappiness he was attributing to me. How could I have been making him unhappy when I was working so hard to be a good wife and was always looking to make his life easier and more fulfilling? Now she comes along, sucks his dick a few times and suddenly she “means the world” to him? It’s just hard to accept that my best wasn’t good enough but some slutty loser woman with no real life of her own gets his love with no real effort at all. She is a selfish woman who fucks other people’s husbands and tears families apart and that is what he prefers? That’s what will make him happy for the rest of his life? He thinks that POS is a better woman than me? This kind of thing really does a number on one’s self confidence. Yes, I admit that having their relationship blow up in a dramatic way really would make me feel better. That being said, I do hope to move on with my life and be happy regardless of what happens with them, it’s just taking longer than I would like to get over the insult.

    • Their relationship will blow up, that’s a given, but hopefully you won’t give a rat’s behind when it does happen. Your ex is disordered and who knows what he needs I doubt even he knows and who cares. He’s disordered and it would be a waste of time trying to figure him out or what makes him tick. Maybe he likes change, maybe he wants to feel superior and that is why he is with a skank or even maybe he is driven to make you feel like shit and hence the downgrade. I know it’s hard but take your focus off the skank, she isn’t special. Right now he has made her feel special, for whatever f’d up reason and when he rips the rug out from under her it will be make her fall all the harder. Maybe that’s his ultimate goal.

      • unfortunately my narcissist NEVER ripped out the rug under his howorker. He was taking her to a golf tournament 3 months before he died. SO they were still going strong. BOLD HO called my house phone and her number and name was on my caller ID …Now that’s a bold twat And our number is unlisted so narcissist gave the D licker our phone number ! Nice disordered POS

    • chumpinrecovery
      Please join me in laughing at how my husbands dick sucking whore Ho worker had it Blow up in her face …when he died. While he lay dying in my living room while I was taking care of him…Whore was outside in her vehicle.,I figured this out after my grief cloud cleared….and she was texting him while he was in the hospital…oh she knew all…she knew I was there with him…but he had her name dubbed as a man’s name …so they could disguise that it was not her….but I BET that whore thought she was dumped because my husband had not TEXTED her back BECAUSE he was busy dying at the time…Yeah, how do you like that ? I have been trying to go on with my life currently knowing what ALL went on behind my back…I have been so beaten down and destroyed. I still have not recovered. I am still suffering at the TOTAL deceit and narcissistic discard of me, behind my back. I was never told any of this. I figured it out in it’s completeness. I have had a year to investigate and its mindblowing. I think the only only saving grace of my mental health was that the whore lost him to death. and I laugh at her dry spell now. She probably goes out on dates with other married men and they probably treat her like shit ! I’m hoping! I hope they pull her head down to their dick…I hope she is treated like a tramp as payback. I hope she gets her ass kicked and pummeled by the next unsuspecting wife of a married man she’s gonna fuck next !! What kills me is that narly tramp can click in with her stilettos into the company and GO ON with her life. SHE got it all…all my marital assets, that freak…I hope she gags

  • I’ve got one for ya: In my Zombie Custody Case that Just. Won’t. Die. My ex and his new wife, a vicious little thing, have decided that they would try and knock me down a peg or two to compensate for the truckloads of evidence I have against my ex husband and why he should never be allowed anything more than supervised visitation.

    I have sole legal and physical custody.

    So, his new wife, it strongly appears, has recruited a longtime friend of hers in the form of my eldest daughter’s art teacher to alter my daughter’s attendance records and double the number of tardies and unexcused absences she had on file.

    But only for my eldest daughter, because the school has two art teachers, and my youngest has the other one. So my youngest’s records weren’t tampered with.

    Now, I will totally admit we have been late more than the average person—I’m a single mom trying to get a kindergartner and 1st grader out of the house in the mornings.


    My ex, his wife, and her teacher friend more than doubled my eldest child’s record of tardies (falsely, obviously) and absences, then reported me to the truancy office. I was given a summons, and my lawyer says that he has never heard of a parent to children so young getting the book thrown at them as hard as the truancy office threw it at me.

    He is also the one who recognized the setup immediately because how could one child be late for school 17 times in 10 months, while the other was late 42 times. When they ride in the same car to school.

    I asked my girls if any of their teachers were friends with their dad or new step mom, and they said yes, the teacher in question comes to swim at their pool at their dad’s house.

    So I went to the new wife’s ex-partner, whom I am good friends with, and she said that the teacher is the daughter of her mentor, and that they have known the teacher for over 20 years.

    So there are just too many coincidences for this to not be plausible. I’m waiting on subpoenas to come back, because my request for my daughter’s school records (electronic and written, administrative and classroom) was denied by the school—probably because I asked for all correspondence from faculty and staff regarding my children as well.

    But, I’m the parent. I would think that is my right to have…

    What do you think, Chump Nation?

    • I think Dear God, haven’t you suffered enough? I hope this shit gets cleared up in discovery. Your lawyer was smart to subpoena the records.

      But I also cannot believe a judge would change custody over school tardiness. I know it’s crazy out there, but seriously, he is a document, abusive freak, and you are the sane parent.

      I think these freaks are harassing you. And she’s his latest flying monkey. She has to believe you’re evil, so she doesn’t have to acknowledge she’s with an abuser.

      I’m so sorry Kelli! Shine some disinfecting sunlight on that creepy teacher. If she’s so convinced of her case, she won’t mind transparency.

    • I’m an educator and I live in Canada. The school system is different but I’m guessing similar enough to yours to carry out some actions about this teacher.

      Once you’ve ironed out your current legal issues, which would be the priority and is exhausting enough, I would go after reporting that teacher to her superiors. If she is currently teaching your daughter, then a call to the principal complaining that the teacher is negligent in her attendance reporting would be a start. A meeting with the principal in which you show the difference between one attendance report and the other and demanding accountability on the part of the teacher and the school to correct the errors would be within reason.

      Keep your own log from here on in and be diligent in calling in lates to the school.

      If your are dissatisfied with the response of the principal, take this to the school board. In my system that would be the Superintendent. Explain that there is a complaint you wish to make about a teacher’s negligence in reporting that has caused legal issues that were unnecessary. Even think about insisting that the school make arrangements for your daughter to be removed from art with that particular teacher due to a conflict of interest. The teacher’s union is likely to get involved at this point too.

      I have never in all my years in education heard of such a thing as this occurring. And, if it were to occur, I cannot believe that it would be this complicated to resolve. We do have disputes over attendance reporting, but it is usually a simple conversation that would easily take care of the matter. It should not be an issue to provide a detailed attendance record. I do it all the time and email attendance reports to parents upon request regularly.

      I would even consider taking this teacher to task with the College of Teachers (or whatever association the teacher belongs to in your state/province). You can call them to learn about the process of lodging a complaint about that teacher with her representative body. They will investigate, likely issue her a reprimand. That ought to take care of her abusing her power in future.

      Luckily, the school year is almost over. From here on in, ensure that the school not schedule your girls with that teacher again. Should that be unavoidable, consider some out of school art options to sign up the girls for and tell the school that you insist the girls be removed from the school’s art program for that year as you have arranged a “home-school” alternative. The school will then find an alternate space for the girls during their art class for them to complete alternate work. You are within your right to do that.

      Hope this helps.

    • I think you and your lawyer follow through and salt the Earth after this fiasco! Your ex, OWife and Art Teacher need to have some kind of consequences.

      You may not be able to ever prove OWife was behind it, but by god you can prove Art Teacher lied and tried to manipulate the court system for personal vendetta. I hope the bitch loses her license.

      I also hope you are looking at different school systems next year.

      • Oh, trust me, once all of this comes to light, so to speak, I’ll have one hell of a lawsuit on my hands.

        I finally received a call back from the principal regarding the records I requested. I requested any documentation where a parent-teacher conference was requested, then the subsequent outcome of that request.

        I also requested all of the records of my eldest daughter’s special education interventions that had been both requested and put into place. I received a very confused message from the principal of the school, because even though I requested an evaluation for my daughter this year, and even though she was described as at risk in her hearing exam at school (which I already knew), and she was in a special education environment last year, and she has had PT, OT, and ST since she was not quite 2 years old—both through the school system and my health insurance.

        I requested all of that documentation because I asked for a special education evaluation and was told by her teacher that she didn’t think my daughter needed one. And I requested this all in writing. So, the principal’s confusion is really funny to me.

        But, absolutely the teacher, the new wife, and the ex have tampered with official state government documents. Via electronic means. So that’s conspiracy, fraud, electronic fraud, etc. Plus they did it to make me look bad, so tack on defamation of character and false reporting. The teacher will definitely lose her license. I can sue her personally. And now I can sue the ex and his wife personally for damages.

        They really messed up this time. All because they more than doubled one of my kid’s tardies and not the other’s.

  • This is currently my sticking point in my recovery process. I do NOT want fuckwit and his whore to be together. I have fantasies about how to break them up (believe me, I have the evidence as he was trying to sleep with me while with her!). I wish I could get this through my thick head that they both suck and they’re welcome to each other. But it is so hard. I don’t want him back, but I don’t want her to have him, either, just as Tracy said in the post.

    Funny thing is, I know that the whore has a lot of issues. She constantly keeps tabs on him (well, gee, did you THINK you could actually TRUST him?) and is so insecure that she is actually jealous of our daughter! If I could just get past this, if I could just accept that they’re together and that’s the way it is…

    This is what’s keeping me from getting to meh and I hate it.

  • Thanks CL. I needed this today. Sometimes I vacillate between not caring if he is with her or caring that my kids spend every other weekend with the hotard and his accomplice. Every now and then it hits me that I really don’t care…or actually I would prefer he stays with her as he will eventually do to her what he did to me. (She was a friend so I want them both to suffer). But now I realize they are suffering…they are with each other. They are living in a corner of his parents house…can’t afford cable and he doesn’t have a car of his own…drives his parents minivan…how romantic. As much as he has worked so hard to push this “new” relationship, everyone knows it is why we are not married anymore. So of course everyone thinks he’s garbage. The other day I heard through the grapevine that he took all the pictures of her off of Instagram so the discard has already begun. Too much work I guess..
    I kept the marital home, the car, the kids, go on 2 vacations a year and spend more time laughing with my kids than ever. Its amazing how well you can live with less when one person is not siphoning funds off to pay for their side chick. I have spent the last 7 years rebuilding everything that he broke and left for me to clean up and it shows. The best revenge really is to live well. I can see him grinding his teeth every other weekend when he drops the kids off. We’ll fool, you made your bed, now lie in it.

  • This is one of your best posts ever, Tracy. Especially this: “If you need Bad Things to happen to cheaters, you’ve missed the point. THEY are the Bad Things. Being them is a punishment.” That thought has been the cornerstone of my healing. There wasn’t a single OW in my situation. My ex is a serial cheater, mostly with strippers. His current felon fiancé, the former (?) stripper, is the third one (that I know of) who he has “dated” since we separated. They got engaged on Christmas Eve, thirty years to the day after he proposed to me. They’re getting married in Jamaica just as soon as her probation will allow her to travel outside the country. Sounds great, right? But they are still THEM. He didn’t appreciate or nurture his relationships with me or our children. He gambled with his family – that we’d stick around despite his emotional and financial abuse and he lost. He will have to live with the knowledge that the hero persona he tried so hard to portray to our kids is gone forever. He will never be their hero again; he can never regain the respect he lost from everyone who knew our family. That is the worst possible punishment I could devise for him and I didn’t have to do a thing to him except tell the truth. Meanwhile, I’ve got my kids, my dogs, my family, my friends, and my self respect. He’s left with himself, a fiancé who lost custody of her own kids because of drugs, and a spreadsheet of his favorite porn stars he spent hours working on instead of being with his family. No amount of financial success or wedding trips to the Caribbean or seemingly happy pictures on social media will ever outweigh what he lost and I kept.

    • Wow, @Beth, I think those two deserve each other. Serial cheater + drug-addicted felon = a whole truckload of messed up family life. I think that is revenge in and of itself!

      • Yes they do and yes it is, Traveling. I have total trust in their suckitude. 😀

    • Totally agree with your post Beth. But I still cringe in shame at having a severe case of adaptation blindness that made me waste so much time (40 years) with such an idiot.

      Take care.

      • Oh yes CW, that sense of shame at time wasted is the hardest part to process for me, although I limit my sense of shame to the period between DDay #1 and #2 since I don’t regret my marriage (because of my kids), only how long and how hard I blindly tried to keep it going.

  • Another thing that is bothering me is Ex’s insinuation that I should be friendly with Schmoopie. He keeps bringing her to the kids events. He wants us to be able to sit together but that would require me acknowledging Schmoopie. I prefer to ignore her. Yes ex did shake the hand of and say hello to the guy I am dating, but the guy I am dating never screwed him over either. Ex is acting as if I am just being the petty bitter ex wife by not acknowledging his girlfriend as legitimate but this is personal. This woman fucked and then fought for my husband when she had no right to do so. Tearing my family apart was her goal. She knowingly and deliberately participated in screwing over me and quite frankly my kids for personal gain and now I am supposed to be nice to her? That makes no logical sense. I am being nice to her by ignoring her. I will be nice to any future girlfriend he has who played no role in tearing my family apart. The one good thing about him bringing Schmoopie to events is that I am less likely to interact with him which means less contact which is good for my healing.

    • Who cares what your X thinks? You won’t be nice to Schmoopie? Oh, well. It’s just his continued power play over you–do what I ask, legitimize my adulterous relationship, or I will spread the word that you are a bitter bunny. You aren’t under his power anymore; do what you’re comfortable with.

    • He can “insinuate” all he wants but in the immortal words of my divorce attorney, “you don’t ‘wife’ for him anymore.” You get to do or not do whatever makes you feel comfortable. If you want to ignore her so hard she doubts her own existence, then do that. You are your own boss and you get to decide. If he doesn’t like it, he can pound salt.

  • After having him out of my life for about 8 months, I was toying with reconciliation. “He was a changed man, sober, cared for no one but me”. Then the estranged husband of POP’s long time ho contacted me and said ‘watch out, the ho’s on the loose. I am divorcing the cheating skank. They’ve been in contact the whole time and I will send you emails to prove it, if you want.”

    Oh yes. I want! A few days later I showed POP the slobbery worded emails and he had ludicrous excuses of course. That was the end of it. I had picked him up from where he was living at the time but refused to take him back–dropped him off at a mall to catch a bus.

    Turns out the ho married husband #6 in short order and POP ended up with neither me nor her.

    That was 7 years ago.

    Last week out of the blue, my spidey sense told me to check his court record–I felt like something was up. Indeed, he’d been arrested for DUI the week before! This is his second offense and Texas doesn’t take that lightly. He will lose his license for at least a year and have to again have an ignition lock breathalizer installed in his car. Those are just the basic consequences, I won’t know more until after he’s arraigned on Monday and info is posted in the record in months to come. Knowing him, he will fail to appear for the arraignment and a warrant for his arrest becomes active…..that’s happened several times in the past.

    LOLOLOLOL, who cares who he ends up with? Not me. Karma’s keeping him company.

      • So much this. My ex’s moments of happiness are fleeting. There is always something wrong in his life. I would hate to be him and have a black hole where his soul should be.

  • Maybe I am ODD but I truly WANT my ex-husband to stay with the OW! They married each other a little over a year ago on a random Tuesday at the court house. When he was cheating on me I remember the agony I lived with worrying about where he was, what he was doing, who he was talking to and how it changed me on a daily basis. I can only image that they must be living that way now. Both of them being cheaters with no loyalty or sense of family and commitment. I feel that is perfect punishment for what they did to their families.

    • I’m with you kimmy! I want them to stay together because they both cheated on their spouses to be together. My ex projected his bad behavior on me the entire time we were married. Every now and then he would go through periods where he hacked into my email, looked through my purse or my car and when cell phones came along he would routinely go through my call log. One time he even answered a wrong number in the middle of the night (on my cell phone) and started interrogating the guy that called because he was certain it was my affair partner.

      I never gave him any reason to feel that way and I put up with him ransacking everything I owned because I thought he was insecure plus I didn’t have anything to hide. I won’t lie though, it felt kind of violating and if he ever took money from my purse while he was going through it, I’d rip him a new one about that just to get the anger out.

      Anyway, the point being that he did that without provocation or any hint of me cheating on him. Knowing that she cheated on her husband and he cheated on his wife, yeah that’s Karma right there. The leashes in that family are short!

      Good luck with that!

  • Oh wow, does this ever resonate. I’m 3+ years out from D-Day, 1 1/2 years post divorce, and for the most part I’m fine. I don’t look at him with any yearning for what we once had; I’ve accepted that the person I thought I married never existed, and that he was never in love with me, he was just using me for his supply. But that doesn’t stop me from putting way too much energy into wishing that bad things will happen to him. He’s now married to schmoops, and they have a baby on the way, and go on fancy, fabulous vacations, and, and, and…
    Then I remind myself that she’s pregnant at age 51. Which sounds like a nightmare to me. And they have blended family issues to deal with, including her emotionally volatile teenage daughter who my sons regularly report makes things pretty miserable over there. And the fact that shmoops knows EXACTLY who she married – a serial cheater who lied to both of us for a long time must cause her all kinds of stress and insecurity. Oh, and then there’s the possibility that she has BPD (I wrote on the forum about getting sent a receipt for his purchase of “Loving Someone With Borderline Personality Disorder on iBooks) which sounds like really fun times.
    But even in the face of all of this evidence that their twu wuv is not all that it’s cracked up to be, I still too often find myself brooding and grumpy, watching and waiting for the karma bus to splatter them all over the pavement.

    • A 51 year old woman that intentionally becomes pregnant is extremely selfish in my book. How embarrassing for the child when everyone is going to assume his/her mother is the grandmother. Even best case scenario the older the kids gets he/she will know they are on borrowed time with their parent. Poor kid.

      • but it’s miraculous proof of their twu wuv! And if shit goes sideways, now she has a financial insurance policy. 😉

  • I really appreciate Chump Lady giving the Peo Talk. She brings up many great points.

    I’m glad that my ex-husband left nearly four years ago although financially life is a lot tougher. Wish that I was glad thato my dishonest, disrespectful boyfriend left. I don’t know whether I’ll ever feel glad, relieved or even indifferent about his treatment and discard of me and life without him. I think that he is a lot happier without me and with my replacement, but there is nothing I can do about it–and so don’t believe in the western definition of Karma. Have no choice but to live with whatever life hands us. I remind myself that my exes thought of me as a disposable object, but I don’t have to view myself that way.

    • Eventually you will feel the same way about your ex boyfriend as you do about your ex husband. It’s just going to take time. That one is fresher.

      • Thanks, Chumpinrecovery.
        You’re right that this relationship/breakup is fresher (more recent). It differs from my marriage in several ways, though. My boyfriend was my friend (or at least an acquaintance) for decades before we started dating. Although he didn’t have a great body/skin, I was way more attracted to him (not just physically) than I was to my husband, who was not very attractive to me physically nor emotionally, especially for the last several years. My boyfriend (now ex-boyfriend) seems much more mainstream, generally reliable and nicer. I don’t know whether he physically cheated on me. He was not married to me and did not have children with me. I still sometimes wonder how much I unintentionally contributed to the demise of my relationship with my boyfriend by crying on his shoulder more than I should have. I dream about him most nights.

  • I read your book back in September and longed for the MEH…..I didn’t really do the pick me dance because when in April 2017 he said he needed to be with the love of his life, and btw cheated many times over our 22 year of marriage, I knew we were done. However it did bug me alot that he found that “she was the one.” And a few times we did some things together and I was able to see some texts between them and it was looking at two teenagers, it was gross actually. In our case, we had just moved to Las Vegas to pursue another dream job for him, his own medical practice which I was managing, so when DDay came I hightailed it back to California with our 7 year old son. So we had to wait 6 months for me to file in California, he was so in love he didn’t care what I did so he complied. So October 2017 comes and I file. Now I’m still managing his practice from California, HELL no I wasn’t letting anyone near the money, especially her. Oh did I mention she manages a practice he worked at in California? and she was still in California…so he would come every weekend to see our son, thank GOD my inlaws live in the same town so they would stay there. And then he’d spend one night with the OW, that’ all she got was one night and an Sunday afternoon before he’d fly back to Vegas. Anyway fast forward and he agrees to everything I want in the divorce and I’m still managing the practice because I don’t trust him with money AT ALL. I figure in a year or two he’ll be changing jobs anyway and I’m set up with alimony/child support so I’m fine. (I’m a nurse by trade). Anyway, this past March about 5 weeks before divorce is final he begs me to delay divorce or stop it. He still needs more time. He still loves me and yes he’s still with the OW but he doesn’t want to marry her. He wants to be a family blah blah. I will admit it did mess with my head somewhat, mostly because I still feel guilty about my son, etc. Don’t worry my therapist sent me straight along with some awesome friends. I told him No divorce is going through. I told him I think he’s a sex addict and needs therapy….he kept saying he would show me that he will change. Anyway, week before divorce is final he tells me he ends the relationship with the OW. And you’d think I would feel elation because in my mind it proves it was him along but I actually was like, “NOoooooooo”. They deserve each Now during this whole time my son was never introduced to her and I even put in the divorce agreement, which he agreed to, that until he’s 13 any dating partner’s need to be subject to approval to other parent and definitely NO overnight dates with said child. (We were both raised conservative christian so that plays a part). Anyway, divorce is now final and I feel MEH. Now I really don’t care what he does. I still have to work with him which is challenging at times but when he acts up I tell him I will leave practice, which would fail btw, and he backs off. So I thank you Chump Lady…when I first read your book I couldn’t imagine getting to MEH, but it happens and it feels good. 🙂

  • THIS: “YOU have to move forward with your one precious life.”

    I have just one precious life. No more of my time will be dedicated to trying to fix, explain, deal with, or accept his bad behavior. I’m moving on and living my life with joy and light.

  • Ex’s affair with Owhore ended as soon as it came into the light of day. She was a subordinate, divorced mom of 5 without custody.

    Two years ago ex went on to marry a 30 year old Catholic elementary school teacher when he was 54. I wonder how long his sparkleness can last. He has a good job but time hasn’t been too kind to his looks as per his LinkedIn pic.

    At times I dispair when it unwantedly pops in my heat of how happy I was at her age about our lives & future together. He was a romantic man in every way, so thoughtful and just wonderful. I adored him. My life was so fullfilled. I’m 8 years out from dday & 6 years divorced but still stuck in a low paying job despite years of applying & alone.

    Other times there is a bit of pity for the new wife because if he told her his 24+ year marriage ended due to his infidelity & she still married him, well good luck with that. Or if the truth was hidden from her, well good luck with that too.

    • Hurt1, I too loved with all my heart and believed X was a good man. Like you, I am about 9 years out, and 7 divorced. I realize now that our courtship and marriage (28 years) was an illusion, one that nevertheless perfected his lie. X had a lot of great qualities (great sense of humor, ability to pursue and hold down a great job, a good father when the kids were younger…) but ultimately he was a great actor/chameleon and like so many living a lie it all eventually fell apart. There are plenty of examples of this with our celebrities, whose lives are really no different than some of our own. I liken my marriage to Hawaii’s beautiful volcano (Kilauea) that is currently making news. In the beginning I made excuses for his crappy choices, like the summer his Mom died (his father died the year we began dating and Mom had been diagnosed with incurable cancer in May) when he chose to work hundreds of miles away. She died in August. After a while though it became more and more obvious that we didn’t share the same values. He was always off doing his own thing; always choosing his own wants over others’. To him, money and me, me, me kibbles were forever going to trump what I know is more worthwhile: love and family.

    • Yup, I’m sure my ex fuckwit isn’t going to tell his new girlfriend du jour that both of his marriages ended in infidelity on his part.

  • I am almost 7 years post Dday and divorce therefore my perspective is a little different from many of you close to Dday and your divorce.
    My Ex married the OM and he is my kids’ Stepdad and hearing them call him “Dad” is a Big Mac sized shit sandwich that I have to eat, no lie.

    That said, I have remarried and am divinely happy, honestly this is the happiest that I have ever been.
    My Ex is my Ex and cheaters don’t change and they don’t get a personality transplant when they marry Schmoopie. From conversations with the kids, after 6 years Ex is just as unhappy with the OM as she was with me. There are strong indications that she is cheating on him AND I have seen it where she treats him like she used to treat me and they fight constantly !!
    OM is getting his justice for what he did every day by living with my crazy Ex.
    My Ex is the same broken person who will never be happy because she is disordered and refuses to go to therapy and work on her issues.

    For me, “the Eye of Sauron” (ala my Ex) is firmly on the OM and off of me. I live my life and she mostly leaves me alone. Trust me, the glitter on the turd eventually falls off and when your Ex and Schmoopie stay together there rarely is a “happily ever after”.

  • I’m not going to lie. I’m older, I have no children and I was banking on the love I thought my Xhusband and I had to see me through the rest of my life (and I was also expecting kids, but that was a mindfuck all its own with my X). I look at the future and if things don’t change, I’ll die alone and it’s that thing for me that makes my life a little hard to bear at times. But that’s a bad day.

    For the most part, I have really really good days since X is out of the picture. No kids also means no reason to see/contact him ever again and that’s a pretty fantastic prospect. There was a time when the thought of him and Schmoops finally being able to be together with their love like no other, made me absolutely sick to my stomach. But that has passed and honestly, I WISH them together. They deserve each other and all the dysfunction they have to bring to the table for each other just makes my little heart rejoice. Vindictive? Yes. I do also wish my X dead, but hey, I’m used to not getting what I want out of life.

    My mom says, “The wheels of the Gods turn slowly.” It’s her way of saying karma will happen. I may not be around to see the karma I think my X deserves but there’s more to live for in life than that. Now that he’s gone, he doesn’t get to be central anymore. Onward and upward because anything without a cheater is upward.

    • Yes, you don’t have to be a cheater’s wife now. To me that is a reward in itself. To not have to call him ‘husband’ anymore nor to have to be his wife. I sat in many MC seminars, with my ex and a roomful of chumps and adulterers. On every break I cried or threw up in the bathroom stall. No more of THAT! Cheaters who said they cheated because they had become distant, had developed parallel lives etc and all those excuses that cheaters love.

  • CL,
    I knew I needed to log in this morning – so glad I did! As always, your words of wisdom are very to the point! I really needed to be reminded of everything you wrote!

    Just knowing I survived and can now look forward to a narc free life is all I need now. Karma will take care of he rest!

    Your blog helped me save my own life! I will always see you and CN tribe as my personal hero!

    Thank you for everything you do! Your blog is a Public Service Announcement and needs worldwide attention!

    Seeing clearly

  • My ex-boyfriend may or may not have physically cheated on me (but I have given up the notion that I can win him back or the Karma bus will hit him for mistreating me). My law-breaking adulterous ex-husband ensured that I would lose virtually all my life savings and home around 50 and will need to work until I drop to support kids and me and probably will never get to finish doctorate. One of my kids, who has special needs, might not graduate from high school. I may need to support him in his adulthood, a chronic challenge for both of us. I don’t expect my ex-husband to get his comeuppance. A just world is a fantasy. However, trying to remind myself that life is bittersweet–although the departure of my boyfriend/’friend’ of decades left a hole the size of the Grand Canyon n me ,

    • Continued–and daily living has been challenging (aforementioned things and a degenerative back condition) for several years and will very likely continue to be (I’ve quit holding onto hope that somebody will rescue my family), I realize that some things in the world that were beautiful, good, and funny before crap happened–and still are. Going to try to stay ’emotionally awake’ to notice those things. Going to continue to try to make the world a bit more just and deserving others more comfortable–I can do these things to some degree even if I am unhappy, scared, and in physical and emotional pain.

  • I have to admit, for a long time, my fondest wish wasn’t that my ex and her Prince Cheating would break up, it was that they wouldn’t…or, to be more specific, I wished for her to fall in love with another cheater, then get cheated on, and know exactly how I felt. That’s not very healthy, I know.
    As it turned out, Prince Cheating told her he was no longer married, and he couldn’t move out of his ex-wife’s house because he couldn’t find any other place to live (and yes, she bought it). Once she ditched me, she found out he couldn’t come live with her as he wasn’t exactly not married, and he wasn’t willing to leave said wife. Oops!
    After that, I still wished for her to find and marry another cheater for some time. Letting go of that dream was very good for my road to Meh.

  • In my case my ex H & the owhore had the affair for 2 years before I discovered it when I found him at her home. I saw red flags for years but was afraid to acknowledge it.. terrified of the truth. But now 2 years divorced & on my own The cruelty they showed me was unbelievable so of course I hoped the “tru wuv” they said they had would come crashing down.

    But I didn’t have to wait very long. 6 months ago OWhore died .. she was hit by a car. The cheating X
    5 weeks later hooked up with another victim (which I call it) not grieving at all. True love? Doesn’t look like it to me.

    Sometimes when we treat people terribly it comes back
    to us. Justice? Karma? I don’t know but no one escapes their consequences for being a cruel selfish narcissist. We might never see it happen to them .
    Just by being who they are is punishment enough.

    (( HUGS )) to all! ❤️

  • Thank you, Tracy, for this column today. It’s made me realize that I am actually pretty well on my way to “meh.” I’ve been worried about whether or not I’m doing this healing thing right, so this column actually gives me a lot of validation that I feel like I need today.

    I have been no contact from serial cheater for a little over 30 days. I’m thinking of it as an addiction and counting when I reach the 90 day mark as a major indicator. (Maybe I should throw myself a party? 🙂 )

    But I realized upon reading your article today that I actually don’t care in the least whether she is with the OW or what she’s doing. I have to admit that I actually hope she gets her shit together enough to be okay so maybe I’m not quite there yet. But I’m pretty certain she is with OW and they are both hardcore narcissists, liars, and manipulators. So I’m thinking “GOOD LUCK. Or not. Or whatever. Not my problem; seriously don’t care.” I’m just over here relieved as hell to be out of that dramatic garbage fire. Just trying to figure out what it is to be just me, and it’s so nice to just finally not have to cater every aspect of my being around her frantic, dramatic, cruel shit.

    • I never realized how much crap drama there was either with the Disordered. The unhappy vacations, the lack of affection (sex, yes???? but even that sucked!), the entitlement (who the fuck needs another vehicle when four are already in the garage?!?!), and disengagement. The long hours at the club. The uncomfortableness…Ugh. Do not miss that, at all.

  • My XH has had many “relationships “ since we separated 7 years ago. No one stayed longer than a year. I don’t know details because we are NC and I don’t care.

    But last Sunday was our granddaughter ‘s baptism and even though he is estranged from our son, the baby’s father, he was invited and came. Everything was kept at a pleasant level. He has not shown an interest in his granddaughter, but all passed smoothly. Then the next days I started getting emails from X asking for things that I got on our divorce settlement. At first I ignored, but realized he was needing some kind of altercation. I wondered if he saw how happy we all were without him in our lives and now he wanted to somehow upset the applecart. So, I finally emailed back and said they were only things and if he needed them, he was welcome. His next (and final) email was that I could keep them.

    So, he didn’t get a fight or whatever he wanted. It’s so true that his karma is really just being him – an unhappy aging man. Thank you “Meh”.

  • I needed this post today. I don’t believe in karma: mostly because I can’t reconcile what I might have done to deserve the complete abandonment by my cheating ex. I do hope that eventually they will experience consequences from their actions. They both cheated on their spouses and left their families and children for each other. Since then, they have married, bought a half million dollar house, a few cars, travel extensively and generally appear to be living a pretty great life with part-time kids. It’s hard and it sucks when I have to send my now 8 year-old over there and hear that she sometimes calls OWife “mommy.” Meanwhile, I’m still in therapy and struggle at times with single parenting. Everyday I work on achieving meh.

  • I confess I was stuck in this stage for a LONG time, hoping Something Really Bad would happen to my cheater. Needing it to happen. Hoping for some news from somewhere, that it had. Then I really got a life I cared about, and I forgot about him for long swaths of time. I knew Meh had really been achieved when I literally, accidentally drove past his apartment because I was in his part of town for some errands. I nearly forgot he had lived there, and when I realized I was parallel to his building, I JUST DID NOT CARE. It didn’t give me a twinge in my gut, I didn’t hope he was inside choking on a chicken bone. He’s an idiot. Good riddance. Can’t believe I ever cared about someone so lame.

    • I am sooooo wanting to reach this level. I know one day I will but for now it is tough. Thanks for the encouraging words.

      • You will, and one day you’ll change your handle to BetterOffDefinintely! I know it’s hard to see, it was hard for me too, but keep being mighty and taking care of yourself <3

    • Oh, I can’t wait to reach this level, too! I thought I was getting close, but then my ex decided to be a dad again to our daughter and so they are doing things together. It kind of opened up the wound, I guess? I’m better now, but I had a few really, really crappy days where I was so focused on ex and the OW that it was driving me nuts. MEH, where are you?

  • FOOLS will Fail, the stage is bigger once we pull off their masks. Reap and Sow, Karma Bus are just bonuses features for us to watch. Don’t forget they aren’t normal and aren’t the people we thought we married or gave out heart and souls to. I don’t consume myself anymore with his shit show, it does continue and he already showed me and our kids/grandkids, family and friends who he really was all along.

    I always pray that everything he does or touches will fail. Im free from that horrible feeling of him lying, sneaking around, toxic energy he alone brought into the room. No more finding him enjoying “himself” in front of the computer looking at his precious porn. The strip shows, hookers, random people he hooked up with, his entitled attitude of taking whatever he wanted. The Tables DO TURN. Its called AGING, nothing in his life is real or normal, loss of family and friends that don’t want to to “choose” him anymore. On the other hand, I am modeling health, wellness and peace. He ripped me off of over 3 decades of my life and my kids/grandkids will and have now seen that Im the one who has survived the shit he fed all of us. Smart people see through his life. Personally praying that everything he touches will fail and no matter who he is with at the moment, what house or car he has, vacations he takes, etc., non of it has any substance without the people he threw away and single handedly destroyed Make the dreams and plans now that YOU want, not the narcissist breaking your heart, mind and body. Think of them as an ant!
    Power and Peace

  • I don’t want my ex and his uneven-eyed Schmoopie to fail!!! They deserve each other. They break up ALL. THE. TIME. it’s been well over a year and they haven’t lasted more than 2 months. They’ve been engaged on and off and I imagine their families think they’re frigging stoopid. I ( feel sorry for their children – they each have 2 boys besides my ex and my son. So 5 boys are witnessing the disordered, garglemesh that is twu wuv.)

    There will eventually be a new hypotenuse since I’ve been NC. Then it will all start over. I’ll just sit back with my popcorn. I pray this goes on for the rest of his life and he’s stuck with the screaming matches, the 7th grade drama, and constant breakups. It really warms my heart thinking about how, thanks to our “co”-parenting, I’ll get to witness it for at least the next 18 years.

  • Always a nice reminder, CL.
    Like many, I also longed for karma. after 2.5 months of pick me dancing and therapy (ex said ILYBNLWY, no word on cheating), I discovered ex cheated at least 3x during the marriage, though still tries to claim the last MOW was not an affair (yet he was in love with her…). At the time my thought was how I was “dumped” for my 12 yr younger clone. As I was speeding into peri-menopause with kids heading into the teenage years, he remarries and reboots his life with zyx321 Version 2, only 29 years old. They now have two young kids, same gender order as mine. Complete reboot, with the “dream job” that I helped secure with my loving understanding and pushing him to just do it, if that’s what he wanted to do!
    he rebooted, and I was with our two kids, picking up the pieces after then 14 yr old daughter’s suicide attempt given the abandonment and ex pushing the new relationship on her.

    But perspective DOES come. I am now 5 years divorced.
    I laugh (on the inside) now when I see how tired he looks, and am quite pleased I did not have to deal with the bad back, the pre cancerous skin cell removal, the knee surgeries. I am sure there is more that I am unaware of… he lives 2500 miles away, so I only see him 1-2x per year when he comes to visit son.

    And karma has come– the life reboot is not has easy as expected. Eldest child in Family 2 is on the spectrum… waiting to hear about kid #2. Ex is on his 3rd job in 4 years. He took me to court to get out of paying child support, and lost (though I wish I could get that $9k back).
    Our eldest refuses to talk to him and has not had contact for two years.

    I am sad for my youngest, who still has contact with him, but his father continues to be busy and it cuts into the visitation schedule. Ex is supposed to take son for the entire winter/xmas holiday, but will only do so for a week given his work schedule. Son is only going to visit for Thanksgiving for 4 days because flying back on the weekend would have cost $600 more. Cheapskate, you can afford it.
    Ex comes for a two week visit in June, but decided to bring the new family along. This means Ex cannot stay local and I will not permit son to commute 55 miles one way to school ! (it’s in the court decree; ex can’t stay local as his sister will not allow the whole family to stay at her place– good for her!).
    And therefore this means for 6 of the 14 days, son will stay with me at home and ex will only come to see him 2x for dinner. Can’t even get him after school to pick up son

    Sad, but par for the course. Ex still thinks of himself (and/or is cowed into doing what the OWife insists that he do) and does not consider me and the kids– I sure would have enjoyed two weeks of not dealing with school drops-offs and pick ups)

    But CL is correct– it’s not about karma. It’s about moving on and being content with OUR lives, and not care about our exes anymore.
    I learned to be content with my life, depressed daughter and all. It took time, and there were relapses.

    And it turns out the karma is for me– after more than a decade of fighting for an (apparently) dead marriage, I found love with a kind, generous man who calls me his soulmate.

    The road has been a long one for both of us (he is my age, but has never been married), but we found one another. Life is sweet and good.

  • I don’t care what happens in his life as long as it keeps him away from me. When I dumped him and went no contact, I genuinely stopped wanting to know.

    But I’ll confess to getting a laugh out of hearing about his failed attempt at being a 40 year old sugar baby.

    And then I decided that total no contact includes not hearing gossip and secondhand stories about him, and cut ties with all my friends and acquaintances who know him too.

    I’ve had a woman who I don’t know contact me on social media, asking if I knew him, because she had some questions. I replied that I couldn’t help her with that and blocked her from contacting me again. Maybe she’s the chump of the week. Maybe it’s a contact fishing attempt.

    Either way, he’s not part of my life any longer, so I keep the walls high and solid.

  • Well if my albeit limited interactions with her are anything to go by she’s not changed a bit.

    Enjoy her over bearing controlling special snowflake passive aggressiveness mr sparkly dick Aka The Virus. Your problem now.


  • Fucktard has been making noises again that the kids need to talk me into allowing them to meet OWife. It is written in our custody order that she can only meet (or be under the same roof) as minor children if I agree in written form. Also, Fucktard has been spinning his bald head off to our son about what a ‘wonderful woman’ CFMD (the OWife) is.

    So, I decided to make screen shots/download her divorce filings, motions, affedavits and decrees. God bless the state of Texas and underpaid court clerks!!

    As I was rereading these things I was shocked by how much I had forgotten. How bad, abusive and uncontrollable CFMD truly is. I think I started to buy the Calmafterstorm is just jealous narrative.

    What this brings to me is just how much Fucktard traded down, how much his life must be in a constant state of chaos – of keeping CFMD calm and complacent. Who is walking on eggshells now, motherfucker? ha!!

    And that is my revenge. My Karma. He wished for excitement in his life. He wished he wasn’t living a boring, staid, middle age life with a boring, staid middle aged wife. His wish was granted. And that feels pretty damn good.

    • My ex was also trying to “sell” the whore to our daughter.

      Ex: “Whore feels bad about what she did…she thinks you’re going to hate her for ever.”
      Daughter: “Well, she’s not wrong.’

      Ex: “Whore wants to buy you a birthday present.”
      Daughter: “Please tell her no thank you.”

      Ex: “Whore is jealous of you. She sees you as my second love.”
      Daughter: (speechless)

      Ex doesn’t get it. DD NEVER wants to meet whore (she’s 18, so thank God we don’t have to worry about visitation), so he needs to stop trying.

      • STBXH asked DD could Schmooplanta join them for dinner sometime? Apparently, DD23 said “what you are asking me to do is a 10. I am at 2. I may never get to 10.”

        Then, STBXH asked DS20 I’d Schmooplanta could join them for dinner, or could DS come visit their house or could they ever have holidays including her. Apparently DS said, “Fuck No.”

        I thought that was pretty funny.

        • Haha! Good for DS!

          My daughter REFUSES to meet the whore. Like, EVER.

          WTH is wrong with these cheaters who think their kids, who also got hurt and traumatized by their actions, will ever want to meet the OW/OM? I know some kids don’t have a choice and I honestly don’t know how I’d handle that. It was one blessing out of all this, that my daughter was old enough (16 when it happened) that she didn’t bother going to visitation and her dad didn’t push it because he KNEW he’d screwed up big time.

          • My therapist said that I had run interference for him with the kids long enough. Good point!

            Told him: “From now on your relationship with your kids is a reflection of you and what you make it. I’m not involved either way. I obviously give a shit that they have a good relationship with their father, but I have nothing to do with it.”

            Told them: “Your dad loves you. Not as much as he loves himself, but he loves you as much as a self-focused, jacked-up person can. Be glad. Some kids never hear from their dad. Create the relationship that works for you. Set your boundaries and hold him accountable. Bargain hard for yourself. That’s good practice for all your relationships going forward. Don’t miss this opportunity to get good at it.”

      • Ha! I have 4 kids. For 1’s birthday, CFMD sent her a birthday card. 1 got on the phone told Fucktard “I told you I want nothing to do with her, I don’t respect her and I never will!” Then she and the other 3 went into the backyard and burnt the card in the firepit.

        The last talk Fucktard had with the kids about meeting CFMD who is “A Wonderful Woman” (side note: those 3 words are the only words he uses to describe her. Make of that what you will). After the big sell, 1 and 3 said nope – don’t want to, and will never want to meet her. 4 said he would be ok with it, after he is an adult. Fucktard white knighting as usual said ” I just know if you ever met her, you would like her!” 2 said “I met her. I don’t like her. I don’t ever want to be around her again.”

        Since day 1, Fucktard has been angry and bewildered that his children are not happy that he is finally happy. He cannot understand it. He thinks I alienated the kids. He has even told them “You got to see mom cry, but there were some nights when I was really sad too”. and my all time favorite “The reason I fell so deeply and quickly in love with CFMD is because you guys had each other, and I had no one.”

        Except the bitch you left your family for and was living with, dumbass!

        Anyway – that turned into a rant, lol!

        • Oh my gosh. Good for your kids for seeing him for who he really is and for REFUSING to meet the CFMD! You raised them right! And what a poor sad sausage…”I had no one.” What a bunch of bullshit.

      • I would dearly love to get together! I was going to write down your email then I forgot what thread you put it in, lol.

  • The Karma Bus came for Fucktard X long after I stopped watching or waiting for it. In fact, I missed it at the time. But I heard later that it was spectacular. The sparkly new former student OWife left him after a couple of years. He lost his tenured job due to misconduct (involving former student OWife) culminating in a lawsuit against him and his employer. Then he developed a degenerative nerve disease, leading to opioid addiction, due to which his Federal research grants were pulled. He spent the last six years of his life in and out of a number of nursing homes (where he apparently was disagreeable enough not to be allowed to return), before dying a slow and painful death at the ripe age of 57.

    I couldn’t have crafted a better revenge scenario if I’d have given enough of a shit to think about it, but the best revenge was not being a part of that circus.

  • I am not there, I wish I was. We aren’t even divorced yet and he has proposed to the OW. I wish I didn’t care, how much I wish I didn’t care. But it hurts, it is 1 year since he walked out, 9 months since I found out about her, and he is already engaged to her. He hasn’t formally told our little ones they are engaged. His family didn’t even know about her or us being split until 3 months after he walked out.
    I just wish I didn’t feel like the loser in all this. I feel like he must be right about me because I am still by myself – trying to get my confidence back, trying to get the divorce and agreements done, trying to make sure the kids are ok. Trying to make sure I don’t make the same mistake again. But all that still means I am alone and he has her, and maybe she is so much better than me, and maybe what I had with him is all I will ever have.
    I don’t respect her as a person, to date a married man, enter the matrimonial home repeatedly when I was not there, to think it is ok to be around my kids 1 month after you met, and 2 months before I knew you were a couple, to have him move in to her home and not support his kids, I just can’t respect her. She is 10 years old than him (9yrs older than me) and has a daughter 11 years younger than him (10 years younger than me), so how can she not see what she is doing is so wrong?
    I think I know he sucks, I definitely don’t want him back – the lies and amount of them is overwhelming. The lack of paying child support but able to buy her an engagement ring, it boggles my mind. But then I just think maybe he really is happier and maybe I was/am the problem.

    • I am with you on this too. I’ve come to terms that the marriage is dead. He didn’t want me, I’m fine with that now (or more often anyways). But, I would feel better about a different woman in future. One that he met in acceptable circumstances that presents a better example to the children. Only then would I feel that it’s possible that this woman could a good person. I would hope that she is that she adds to my children’s lives. There is no way EVER that I will feel this was about the OW. There will never come a time when I could find her redeemable and feel better that she is around my children. Please bring on the break up, even though it’s better to stop wishing for it.

    • I felt this way the first couple of years of separation. Believe me, this feeling will lessen and eventually will be gone. There will be a day when you will be happy again and will see yourself as the competent, loving person you are.

    • Too hurt. Why in our society is it seen you are worth less if you are single. You are doing and improving you, getting your life sorted, being decent. She is scum, who in their right mind gets engaged to a man who is still married, the desperate disordered that’s who. Work on you, keep reading here and do YOU, become strong emotionally and financially and go low contact with the crazy. He sounds crappy and it will probably all crumble within a few years anyway and he may come circling back. They have jumped head first into a stinking pool. I know our minds like to play tricks and say maybe this is the real deal and maybe it was me, no look at the facts, they are two wing nuts that found each other. Go be your best you and keep your baby close.

      • So well put.

        My DD had lunch with her dad the other day and he asked her if I had a boyfriend. She said no. He threw back his head and LAUGHED uproariously. WTH? I was so hurt when I heard that. Does the fuckwit not understand that I do not WANT a boyfriend right now? I could be stupid and go sleep around and find a man to call my boyfriend just to say I had someone, but that is not me. And it’s never going to be. I am 100% fine being on my own right now. Too bad fuckwit can’t see that.

        • Why did you even know what was said, and how he reacted?

          Shut that shit down RIGHT NOW. DD needs to keep this kind of stuff to herself, and you will have to stop asking.

          There’s No Contact, and then there’s Deep No Contact, which is the Jedi Master type stuff, and it’s a faster path to Meh.

          • Well, we were joking before she went and I said, “I bet you he will ask if I have a boyfriend.” And sure enough, he did because he’s done it to her in the past. Today she texted me and said that her dad got a new dog (turns out the OW got it for him for Father’s Day, which is, um, not until June?). I told her she didn’t need to tell me these things about her dad.

            The problem is that we are super close and share everything with each other. But you’re right – I don’t need to know what he’s doing with his life.

    • Please follow up on child support, every child needs to be supported by both parents (unless you have deemed it wiser to sever all contact), and there are services available. My local CSS took X to court once he stopped paying (pendente lite) and levied late charges; his wages were attached and sent directly to me every month.

    • Too Hurt,
      What a poignant description! Your trajectory and thought process sound very similar to mine. Don’t want my ex-husband back ever (actually will very likely feel relieved when he dies if he dies before I do, so that he will no longer be able to torture me.) Unfortunately, nearly a year since last discard by my boyfriend, I still want him back!

  • Hi all,
    Chump Lady is right. Trust her. HAPPY PEOPLE DON’T DO THINGS THAT HURT OTHER PEOPLE. Happy people work on themselves. Happy people put efforts into appropriate problem-solving. Happy people do not lie, cheat, or steal. My evil plan is to stay out the way, stay on the high road, be scaffolding and support for my daughter, and do my best to live with integrity and not EVER act like them.
    Dishonesty might look like it pays, but INTEGRITY, DIGNITY, GRACE, HONOR, AND KINDNESS pay immeasurably more and indefinitely. Be careful not to compare your insides to their outsides!!! (Compare and despair as the saying goes). We all know too well having been chumped that appearances are often not what they seem! I don’t need to waste my efforts on revenge; I have had countless experiences in my life that karma bats last and best, on its own exact right timetable. I have a Higher Power that is a black-belt Jedi warrior that does my ass-kicking for me. I actually found out about the affair by telling that same Higher Power that I thought my husband was lying to me and asked for help. Three concrete pieces of evidence crossed my path BOOM within 72 hours. You should have seen the look on his face. He couldn’t believe it. Don’t mess with my HP, bro. I have an army of guardian angels besides that who have my back and they are helping me now. My job is to take care of me and love me and my precious little girl. Turn this one over to the Universe, or whatever you believe. Practice that daily and trust me when I say they don’t know happy (and they don’t know what the word LOVE means either).

    • I’m believing in the HP these days also. I took him back after he swore up and down it was an EA and why wouldn’t it be when she lives overseas. I asked the universe or HP to give me what I needed, two days later hundreds of photos appear at the touch of a button and boom he’s out the door.

  • PS…
    I learned that in my domestic violence education back in 1989. By that definition, an affair is an entanglement. Chump Lady is always reminding us to stop trying to untangle the skein of f**dupness….have the affairs been revealed so we can untangle from ENTANGLEMENTS we thought were RELATIONSHIPS? I am choosing to look at it that way. I want a relationship, not an entanglement. Entanglements are counterfeit happy. Hold out for the real thing.

  • Every time a slut cheats on a cheater, an angel gets her wings.

    • Love it! And little Zuzu gives Jimmy Stewart a flower to keep in his pocket that brings him back to reality, and he knows how lucky he is! All the family and neighbors come together for a hot toddy and a Christmas Carol!

      • I love Jimmy Stewart.Just couldn’t remember the characters name. George? BUFFALO GIRL WONT YOU COME OUT TONIGHT?…

  • At this point, x and feldman should get married, I am actually quite good with it. They are a match made for each other – neither has character, drive, honesty, integrity and feldman can’t seem to hold a job, so, how could this go wrong? I can think of no better future for either of them. Sounds to me like they are made for each other!

  • Great column CL. 99% of the time I am at Meh but I can’t help hoping that the Karma bus shows up some day in their cul-de-sac. In fact I would love to drive it with lights flashing, horn honking and driving 100 mph. Heehee

  • I reached MEH a couple of years ago – D-Day was 01/07/2010, divorce was final 12/22/11 – and I’m glad crapweasel and twatwaffle married and remain miserably married. It keeps him out of my life. I don’t lust for karma, because as Chump Lady said, it’s already happening. And it is GLORIUS to behold.
    I do, however wish crapweasel would drop dead, though, as I hold a $400k life insurance policy on him. And I could sure use it for my equine rescue!

    • Chestnut,

      Thanks for the snarky humor! I hope that my ex-husband stays with his current partner (of a year and change) as a constant partner might make my ex less aggressive toward me. Unfortunately, it seems as though there is trouble in paradise, and I suspect that my ex-husband is taking out his unhappiness with his current relationship (even though she is ‘all that’ according to him) on me.

      I get the wishing that one could get the proceeds of the life insurance policy. I could support our kids much better (more securely)–without him being alive to harass me. I hope that he completely disappears from my life, perhaps moves to the middle of a jungle on another continent, when our youngest reaches majority–only eight more years to go! I feel as though I am waiting for parole–although I have not committed a crime! Like Shawshank Redemption.

  • Being who they are is the punishment! Love it. OW is twice divorced who openly announced she wanted to “marry up” and instantly commented on the value of my CHeater’s cars (her boss!) and promised that she was going to get him to allow her to drive those cars. Now I wonder how she accomplished that? So while I will cop to some revenge fantasies, I think that after 37 years of marriage, ChumpLady has once again hit the nail on the head–being a Cheater who ruined his career and lost his relationship with me, wife of 37 years, his parents (they are just so ashamed), his daughter (she is mad!), and his business partners, I am pretty sure that just being “him” is punishment enough. As for OW, she is a shallow selfish materialistic bimbo with fake boobs, tight dresses, and way too much make up. If that isn’t a punishment, I don’t know what is. Cheater says OW is always happy and he loves that about her. Wow. Cheater loses his job, his reputation, his wife, his parents, his daughter, and his partners and OW is still just her happy self. And this doesn’t make him at all nervous? No clue that all she cares about is herself? Her “love” for him will stay true as long as his Platinum card continues to pay for her vacations but sure doesn’t look like she is keyed into his actual happiness. So yes, I still occasionally have that that fantasy where the money runs out and she follows it out the door, but really, more and more I believe what CL has said–just being this kind of selfish shallow cruel person is punishment. Karma has already hit.

    • Springfield,
      Thank you for reminding me that my ex-boyfriend mentioned when he last discarded me that he was at the zenith of his career (now an executive making $$$) while I was re-starting my career at half a century old. (He later denied he said that.) I wasn’t nearly as professionally successful as he was, so he got rid of me. Guess he deems my replacement, who works in his field in his company and probably makes triple what I make but only a third the size of a ‘family’ to support (she’s childless in her mid-forties), worthy of him. This hurts a lot. Some people say that money doesn’t matter. Above a certain amount, I agree, but struggling to make ends meet, kids getting free lunches, and worrying that I won’t soon find a roommate in my job with no upward mobility at my age, and ex-husband threatening to take me to court to get out of paying support, I AM envious and angry. And it’s one thing for me to be relatively poor, but I hate to see my kids be seriously limited by lack of money.

      Some people say that the greatest punishment for these cruel, dishonest, disordered partners is being them. Unfortunately, in being them, they hurt a lot of other people. And who knows, maybe they are happy. I think that, sadly, some people, ENJOY hurting others or are so focused on their own happiness that, devoid of remorse, they stomp on other people, who they view as objects or stepping stones.

  • I love the saying ‘The wheels of the gods grind slowly but exceedingly fine.’

    From where I’m standing Cheaterpants XH and schmoopie seem to be living the dream. A house on the sound and jobs at an Ivy League college. However, no one really knows what goes on behind closed doors and if he’s anything to her like he was to me, that’s schadenfreude right there. He’s a stupid, sloppy, messy drunk and he loves to drink. I can only hope that she gets to spend nights now staring at a passed out bald spot. Married to a recliner that snores. Ha!

      • Awesome! Both my ex-husband and my post-separation ex-boyfriend snored loudly (although ex-boyfriend was considerate enough to put in a snore guard before going to sleep, thus preventing him from snoring most of the time.) Ex-husband, in insulting me after D-Day #1, told me that the AP that he tried to impregnate while married to me didn’t mind his snoring. People in his family could win the Guiness world record for loudest snoring–could hear them several rooms away! And they refused to wear snore guards, CPAP to lower the volume of their snoring. I lost years of sleep to that family! If I hadn’t been so shocked by the tirade, which included other insults and threats to take all our assets, I would have told him, ‘Great! I’m glad that someone is willing to take your snoring a-s off my hands!’ Thank you for reminding me of the silver lining in the cloud of being celibate.

  • I think we need to remember idealize, devalue, disgard! We keep hanging on to the first stage of idealize…what happened? Is it my fault? What can I do to bring it back? Nothing! By the time they’re devaluing you, they’ve got their eye on the new thang. They are idealizing her/him while devaluing you/me. It never changes. They will always do this. Schmoopie will get devalued too!

    • Kiminator,
      You are spot on about the questions some of us ask ourselves!
      How do we know that our replacements will get devalued, too, though? I’ve seen adulterers stay in what looks like blissfully happy relationships with their adulterous new partners for the rest of their lives. Look at Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward for instance. Paul impregnated Joanne Woodward, the OW, while he was married to the mother of his first batch of kids. He sang Joanne’s praises for the rest of his life. Lots of people held up Paul and Joanne as paragons of virtue and an example of a loyal couple, conveniently forgetting that their marriage grew out of their extra-marital affair.

  • I am not sure there is a dual citizenship deal available for citizens of both Schadenfreude and Meh. Choose one or the other.

    Me, I am a citizen of Meh, because the social security benefits are amazing, and I like the national character.

    I can see Schadenfreude across the straits, and I would go there for a holiday – in fact, I have done, several times – but I wouldn’t want to live there.

  • He took 14 years of my life, suddenly decided we needed to get married in April of 2017, then “fell” into a twu wuv relationship with his best friend’s wife 6 months after our wedding. He refused to quit the affair and is now also involved with a 27 year old barmaid (younger than either his or my kids). I hope his glittery dick falls off and he dies a thousand deaths over these indiscretions, plus past ones I have found about since. His current triangle must be exhausting.

    My life going forward will be spartan, but honest. His will be fake, stupid and bizarre. This I know. I not only trust he sucks, but I actually embrace it. He is 5 years old in his impulse control, and 56 in his body. High blood pressure and an alcohol problem. Who will change his shitty diapers in ten or less years. Not me.

  • PS: Thank you, CL. If I had not found you sooner, I would have totally done the “pick me” dance much longer than the actual TWO days that I did. You are truly a lifesaver.

  • My husband gaslighted me for who knows how long and I thought I was crazy. When I got into his email and read the “poetry” that he was writing to his mistress in August 2017, I was heartbroken and full of rage. The OW was a peer at work who also had 4 kids in the same school as my kids. Talk about triangulation. I changed the locks on the house the next day, but still struggle daily to find my self esteem and my balance.

    I do not know if they are together now, but I have struggled recently as she seems NOT to have left her husband. My kids ride the same school bus home with hers now. Last year, my 13 year old said that she took her yearbook to school to try to figure out who was the family with 4 kids that worked at the same company. My daughters and I survive on shit sandwiches and my cheater bastard told us that it was time to turn the page as he deserves some happiness in his life.

    Intellectually, I know that she did not do this to me. He did, but from what I read between the two of them it was abundantly clear that she was pushing him to leave his inert wife and come over to the sparkly side. There was abundant talk of marriage and leaving everything behind to be together. I guess he did leave everything behind, but she didn’t. It hurts that my family was destroyed and this woman (who had already destroyed her current husband’s first marriage and family) walks away like nothing ever happened. I am still shocked and horrified.

    So I guess his true love did fail, but trust me, there is no consolation for me in this.

  • This feels very relevant right now – I am very un-meh at the moment. In large part that is because he is living the shiny life whilst I am struggling. It doesn’t look like the Karma bus has hit either of them – and he has treated her far better than he ever treated me, even in the beginning of our relationship, on every possible level.
    There are a lot of direct comparisons, as well, many of which are hard not to believe he has set up as such – he is certainly capable of spitefulness and cruelty. For example – I arranged to go back to home country over kids’ holiday in July. The weasel took the ferret back their to meet his parents Jan 2017, less than 2 months after leaving, having not been with us for 5 years, nor actually any holiday of any kind with us for 3 years – and he did it expensively with her. I haven’t been back for 2 years, where I always went yearly – a condition of my agreeing to move here. When I told him about my upcoming trip he emails back that he is planning “his European vacation” (vomit) at the same time and can we coordinate sharing of kids. Eventually, after much distress from younger daughter that she will have to miss out on family time with my family (who they are much closer to and always have been, elder daughter is no contact) he agreed to come at the end of my holiday and take her for 2 weeks. However, whereas we are flying economy, they are flying business. So many material comparisons, where he spent 100ks on cars, sold our rental properties to fund tax bills and we were left with virtually no assets and no pension, from a man who earned close to a million dollars, so little assets to separate when we separated. He has the capacity to earn a lot of money and the weasel (doesn’t work, major downgrade intellectually) inherited money so has her own house and income from that (not earned herself). So many material comparisons – and I know they are just that, and I am having a holiday to see my lovely friends and family but it feels very unfair.
    Also, whereas his marriage proposal to me many years ago was frankly humiliating and we never got married, they had a big ceremony (at 45 years old) less than 5 months after leaving me. That has felt more raw with the beautiful royal wedding last weekend.
    So, no – their lives are not shit, at least superficially. He treats her many times better than he ever treated me and I think they genuinely both think they got the cream. That doesn’t mean that they both aren’t disordered – he is an abusive narcissist. She clearly has pretty disordered boundaries, although the exact pathology behind this isn’t clear to me as yet. They both justified at the time and continue to justify enforcing their great love onto 2 children within a few weeks, even when it made one of them overtly suicidal over a prolonged period (only really ceasing when they stopped contact) and yet both promote themselves as people of great benevolence. They have both grossly intruded upon my boundaries, although there is now very little scope for this now (although doesn’t stop them trying). I hate them for this – and I hate that there are a large proportion who swallow this crap.
    This has been consuming me rather recently. I do know they are both disordered – but I don’t think this necessarily means they will be miserable. She feeds him kibbles because he is actually financially and intellectually vastly superior to her (although it is all relative, and he has created a false persona of being an upper class person which in this country people don’t know enough to realise is false, when is is very much not his background – I don’t say that with any disdain for his background but for his falseness, I do). Her unfettered admiration is his kibbles – and the social network she provided through her “good works” as part of the church community (her hypocrisy is astounding, and he had never set foot in a church previously, other than weddings/funerals), something he was never capable of establishing himself, although he did feed off mine (but mine were less easily impressed than her less educated friends). Of course, statistically, given that they got married so quickly etc, they are quite likely to fail, and her lack of sophistication may bore him eventually, and he will run out of ideas of mine to copy (he has been taking her to places/events that I instigated), so it will become harder for him to maintain his facade. Their disorder, which currently unites them, may eventually divide them – and they may end up miserable, but they may not. It is hard not to be very invested in that for 2 people who not only treated me with such contempt (her, not personal, but still not ok as a fellow human being) but, what has kept me stuck, is the cruelty with which they have treated my (now) 15 year old daughter, and in fact the damage they have probably also done to my younger (although she has been more compliant).
    Anyway, despite all of this – I know that my future cannot be contingent on them. It is good to be reminded of this. I need my life to be good in and of itself, for myself, with no reference to them, good or bad. It isn’t that at the moment, and has been made harder to achieve because of their actions, but I still need to put that aside. I need to go back to focusing on what I want, set my own goals, work towards them, independent of them. Take back my own life. This is a very timely reminder.

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