Where Is Cheater SHAME?

cheater shame

Stabby asked a good rhetorical question about her cheating ex who was blatantly appropriating her work — WHERE IS THE CHEATER’S SHAME?!

Really, we could put this question to a lot of scenarios. Sexting pictures of your wrinkly junk to randos? WHERE IS YOUR SHAME, SIR! Walking out on your children for your fuckbuddy? WHERE IS YOUR SHAME? Not paying support and getting sulky about adulting? WHERE IS YOUR SHAME?!

So many fuckwits, so little shame

To the Reconciliation Industrial Complex selling vulnerable people affair-proof-your-marriage snake oil? Where is the cheater’s shame? (Heck, where is the Better Business Bureau?)

Now, Dr. George Simon, friend of the blog, has a lot to say about shame — namely that it doesn’t work on fuckwits (putting it in laymen’s terms). But it works terrifically well on chumps. Appeal to our sense of shame? Call us selfish? Insinuate that we’re quitters? By golly we’ll work THAT MUCH HARDER! If you want to manipulate someone, you need a conscience to provoke. Little to no conscience? Not much shame.

So your Fun Friday Challenge is to tell CN where their shame is. Did it run off with a hooker? Get itself stuck in a ditch? Ascend to Jesus? Where is it exactly? Have you had any sightings?

TGIF!

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Thankful
Thankful
5 years ago

hahaha, His shame left with the demonic spirit that acording to him, he was delivered of 4 months after D’day.

4 1/2 years on and I am still being shamed every time I need to interact with cheater for all the shitty things I did during our marriage that cheater uses as an excuse to be a massive, not so passive agressive turd.

Merrychump
Merrychump
5 years ago
Reply to  Thankful

You’re so right about how they skip their shame based on true facts to move the spotlight on the fabricated story of shame originated from their delusional mind.

Kiminator
Kiminator
5 years ago

It is in the cum stains on my bed
Sheets!

GracieD
GracieD
5 years ago
Reply to  Kiminator

Long black dyed hair on my hairbrush

Geode
Geode
5 years ago
Reply to  GracieD

The prostitutes in the bedroom where he wanted my wedding dress to stay on display because it brought a tear to his eye.

Gorillapoop
Gorillapoop
5 years ago
Reply to  Geode

Lol.

ozchic
ozchic
5 years ago

I doubt my ex had any to begin with!!! His philosophy was “I can only succeed if all others are defeated, humiliated and strewn across the battlefield of work, sport, relationships etc. He even competes against his own children, sulking if any of them have the audacity to be better than him at any pursuit.

Gill
Gill
5 years ago
Reply to  ozchic

Mine even cheated when playing Monopoly with his own children. Very sad…

Blee
Blee
5 years ago
Reply to  ozchic

I imagine he wasn’t the most gracious of winner either.
(and had to rub everyone’s noses in it – yay ! I’m the greatest)

Langele
Langele
5 years ago

Shame? What do I have to be ashamed of, because you…
______________ (insert projection here)

miss moneypenny
miss moneypenny
5 years ago
Reply to  Langele

Spot on.

Vickie- Chump Advocate
Vickie- Chump Advocate
5 years ago
Reply to  Langele

Yep. Talk about economy of words encompassing blameshifting, projection, deflection and shame nullification: you nailed it ! Thanks

ChumpDiva
ChumpDiva
5 years ago

Where is his SHAME?
Left in the empty box from the Jackrabbit vibrator he gave her for Christmas (because nothing says, “Happy birthday, Jesus” like a battery-powered stand-in for porn-dick).
Skank’s comment about the gift was equally puddle-deep: “It made me a better person.”
I’m sure her husband and special needs child have more shame than she ever covered in that thong selfie.

Kibbled Again
Kibbled Again
5 years ago
Reply to  ChumpDiva

Hey – mine went out and bought a sex toy on our joint credit card two weeks after he left. He said it was because he was “having trouble”. From what I have learned since, he bought a toy for her and let me reconcile the bills that month so it my nose would be rubbed in their “tru wuv”.

ChumpDiva
ChumpDiva
5 years ago
Reply to  Kibbled Again

UGH! There IS. No. Shame. with them. Nauseating!
“Having trouble” is that a new term for cheating?

TitsAndAssAndAllThat
TitsAndAssAndAllThat
5 years ago
Reply to  ChumpDiva

We need a chump-equivalent “like” button for this kind of stuff. OMG!

Beth
Beth
5 years ago
Reply to  ChumpDiva

OMG how can this comment be so nauseating and hilarious at the same time??

Free Vix
Free Vix
5 years ago
Reply to  ChumpDiva

Vibrators: Inspiring betterment through masturbation since 1902.

duped
duped
5 years ago
Reply to  Free Vix

I think that all the side pieces should receive dildos in the mail. Especially the side howorker that is definitely having a dry spell now that con man cheater is now dead. I would say a gift is in order !

Luziana
Luziana
5 years ago

You know, I’ve had to accept this week that they just don’t have a Shame Channel. It only comes in a bundle with the Sense of Decency Channel and it’s not compatible with the Cake and Hot Dirty Fuckfest Channels.

This morning my daughter will be discharged from the hospital. She was feeling suicidal over things socially and academically at school.

Her father has not visited her once. Oh, he’s oddly very invested in anything that happens with her heart condition. Although statistically it only has a 2.9% chance of a cardiac arrest episode, it’s genetic and very rare. He gets treated like a research celebrity st the Children’s Cardiology Clinic. Kibbles! The man who could not tell you the name of his daughter’s math teacher or dentist, but suddenly insisted on taking her to all her specialty cardiology appointments.

She’s at the same hospital now, but no visit, no family therapy no phone call. Doing so would require he answer questions about how his Infidelity and physical and verbal abuse has affected his child. It would require he take time off from work that he prefers to save fore his own personal drama.

That stuff is icky. It’s easier to just say his daughter’s mom is making a big deal out of nothing and refuse to visit his own child.

I just can’t imagine it. There isn’t a river deep enough to keep me from my kids when needed, in hospital or ill. Depression in Adolescence is common, not a character defect because you think their Mom is a Bitch since she stopped letting you get away with shit. Jesus even the depressed 13 year old understands that concept! That having enforced boundaries and dealbreakers does not make someone mean or a Bitch.

Watch. The next cardiology appointment he’ll offer to take her, and in a few days will call her like nothing happened and see if she wants to go to the mall. He will not buy her underwear, shorts, a spring jacket or anything else she needs, because there’s no glamour in that! He has no idea what she needs, and depression is icky! Have a coffee milkshake, kid! A poster from the teenage ennui store!

He will strut right into Cardiology like they don’t have Records of a Ternage Ghost Dad in Adolescent Psych. He’ll minimize her feeling and tell them she’s doing great.

When you stop expecting Decency, it’s amazing how well you can predict the future, but it’s still a little amazing when they do the thing they do.

RockStarWife
RockStarWife
5 years ago
Reply to  Luziana

Luz,
Sorry to hear about your daughter’s suffering. I wish her love, levity, and serenity.

Luziana
Luziana
5 years ago
Reply to  RockStarWife

Thank you everyone, especially to those of you who shared your stories about your children.

She is home now and safe. It’s not all hearts and roses. We had a row yesterday about going out to lunch and whether her outfit was appropriate for her age. Without the added stress, that could be any mom and kid though.

I was telling another CL friend on PM, sometimes I feel like my insides have been scraped clean by a melon baller and just when I start to feel something I get excoriated again. And it’s hilarious to be told that the few times a year I show strong emotion and fight the situation, that is also used against me so a fuckwit can pretend I’m crazy.

Since my daughter was a baby, I’ve stoically endured 13 years of ever more ridiculous and irresponsible behavior from a so called adult. I made this choice, so I’ve dealt with it responsibily. I’ve allowed someone who was convicted of physically abusing me to remain in my daughter’s life. In order to collect the thousands in child support he owes me I allowed his conviction to be expunged so he could get a job. I’ve risked and then withdrawn as necessary visitation when his living situation was more and less stable.

All the while advanced at the same job. Paid off dozens of thousands in debt he incurred. Took on 100% of medical expenses. Stayed put in the same home. Saved and scrimped for music lessons, travel, nice wardrobe and salon care for his daughter.

You could count on one hand the times I’ve used harsh words toward him. There’s enough rage material there to burn down epochs, but I’ve been 8% go fuck yourself, and 92% why bother.

Meanwhile, he’s acquired another child he can’t afford, damaged a street full of cars with a DUI, feuded and fought with his drunkard baby mama and ended at 41 back on the couch at Big Mama’s Failure to Launch Acres.

I don’t take life advice from someone whose life is a mess. Bottom Line. And I will not allow my daughter to go back into that environment of sickness, gaslighting and denial without a safety plan.

JeanM
JeanM
5 years ago
Reply to  Luziana

Oh Luz, that egg sucking dog!
I get what you have written.
However, you are a true ROCK..
Love you and everthing you share..
Im with you on this..Amazing what a caring mom/ dad, present can accomplish and will.
Let her know, plenty people care! CN sure does.
Stay YOU!

Alexandra
Alexandra
5 years ago
Reply to  Luziana

15 years ago I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder after my third tour in the hospital after trying to commit suicide.

My mother visited me, my father never did.

I’ll never forget that.

Oh, and how he taunted me when I was suicidal telling me to just go do it and quit bugging my mother about it. How I was “just like his mother and sister-in-law” whom he hates.

But hey, what could I expect from the guy who regularly threatened to kill me when I was a kid and that “no one would ever find out.”

FindingBliss
FindingBliss
5 years ago
Reply to  Alexandra

Oh Alexandra, I’m so sorry your sperm donor was such a lying, abusive POS. Hugs.

moominmamma
moominmamma
5 years ago
Reply to  Luziana

When I told my XH that my daughter ( then 14)was having panic attacks, triggered in particular by the fights he had with OWs 1,2 and 3 in front of her ( some by phone, some in person), his reply was ” you always said it was important to express my feelings so I’m going to say that I feel very attacked right now.” And that was it. He has shown zero interest in her psychologist’s appointments,(which have been going on for 2 years), but now that she has been booked to see a psychiatrist, he had a talk with her during which he explained that all that depression came from my side of the family. Yep, it’s my crummy genes that are the problem, not his multiple affairs and drama with the Trio of Witches.Shame on me and my bad DNA.

Chumpiness
Chumpiness
5 years ago
Reply to  Luziana

I’m sorry your daughter is struggling, and that you have to deal with a fuckwit while trying to care for her.

MotherChumper99
MotherChumper99
5 years ago
Reply to  Luziana

Luz, so sorry for these challenges. My dd3 was in the same situation two years ago and is doing much better today. Sending love and healing thoughts.

No Shit Cupcakes
No Shit Cupcakes
5 years ago
Reply to  Luziana

My spouse has spent time in psych wards. Trust me, the staff KNOWS who shows up for ego-strokes, who shows up to be supportive (and that includes boundaries, consequences & adulting [directed at in-laws & spouse]) and who is being a good parent, spouse, person.

I’m so glad she is where she needs to be, is getting the care, evaluations & referrals. I hope someone is looking out for you too. This is tough stuff and you need a support team too.

You are a mighty chump!

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
5 years ago
Reply to  Luziana

Cardiology appointments indeed. The things these jerks will do to look good in the picture. Impression management is an integral component of ego kibble-seeking.

Luz, I hope your daughter is doing well. I know what you are going through, I’ve been through this with a teenage son as well. And, characteristically, Baron Sparkledick von Glitterballs did NOT leave his work and come running home, but spent a week out of the country while I dealt with everything alone and then this “cold slab of meat” came home and kept criticizing me for letting son be hospitalized. He kept boasting “It wouldn’t have happened if I were around”.

Hugs to you and your daughter.

Calmafterstorm
Calmafterstorm
5 years ago
Reply to  Luziana

One of mine had 3 hospitalizations the first year after dday for suicidal ideations. I understand what you are going through.

Like you, when my kid needed to be hospitalized I was the one to take her, do intake, etc. I was the one that bought her underwireless bras, cozy socks and cozy lounge wear for the stays. I was the one that bought her books to bring with her. I called her. I visited.

Fucktard? visited and brought his OW’s used books (the topography of Mars) and an adult coloring book but no pencils. He also offered to let her move in with him and CFMD so that she could have her very own personal Psychiatrist 24/7.

Except CFMD is not a psychiatrist, she did not finish her residency many years ago and she has her own myriad of mental illnesses that caused her to lose her own kid.

So yeah – I got your back Luz!

Glinda
Glinda
5 years ago
Reply to  Luziana

Oh Luz, I am so sorry for you and your daughter. Thoughts and prayers are with you. I started going to local NAMI meetings. The people there are great and offer needed support.

WhichWayDidSheGo
WhichWayDidSheGo
5 years ago
Reply to  Luziana

She’s very lucky to have you as a mother. From someone who didn’t get the attention or help he needed as a depressed teenager, thank you for being there for her. I’m incredibly grateful that the zeitgeist around depression and mental health has improved so much in the last 20-30 years. There’s still a long way to go, but it’s definitely heading in the right direction (in part due to parents like you!).

zyx321
zyx321
5 years ago
Reply to  Luziana

HI Luz,
Sending Jedi hugs your way. You are clearly an amazing mother. I know firsthand how tough it is when your child is hurting so much that they attempt suicide.
My ex did not come after DDs suicide attempt. He asked if he should– I said I did not know since DD said she did not want to see him. So he selfishly did not come. It meant he would miss a mandatory training session for new job, and he would have to wait another year to complete the training. I was out of town during the attempt and rushed home in time to get her admitted from the medical hospital to the psych hospital (10 hour drive, though I drove to an airport 2 hours away and flew home). Ex was 2000 miles away, but in a destination with many non stop flights.
Post attempt I read through her phone– she had texted the suicide attempt notification to him (which I knew) and told him: now you will listen bastard (which I did not know).

As CL said– where is the shame?

It has been 3.5 years. She still struggles with anxiety and focusing (teenager!) but graduates from high school in two weeks and is off to college in the autumn!

nomorecamping
nomorecamping
5 years ago
Reply to  zyx321

.My heart goes out to all of you with kids that are suffering so. When we found out our daughter was cutting stbx could only get mad. It’s to hard to see our children hurting. They have no shame or conscience. I’ve never seen him have compassion or empathy towards anyone over anything. My prayers go out to everyone here.

Wormfree2017
Wormfree2017
5 years ago
Reply to  Luziana

I can so relate Luz. My oldest has mental health problems and spent a month in drug rehab. The Worm never puts two and two together and acknowledges that his erratic behavior and verbal abuse contributed. He thinks that because he pays for things and does the visible parenting like coaching baseball which our son never wanted to participate in, that it absolves him of his behavior. Forget that he was never involved otherwise.
When I left last year and closed our bank account, he sent me an email saying I did that to embarrass him. I shot one back asking if he was embarrassed about the multiple infidelities, the verbal and mental abuse and for beating the crap out of me several times. He emailed me back saying it was a “vile and disgusting” email and he was “sorry he read it”.
I’m mortified that I spent 26 years with that little Worm…..

UnsinkableMollyX
UnsinkableMollyX
5 years ago
Reply to  Luziana

I’m so sorry about your daughter, Luz!!!
I hope she continues to heal and recover. I’m so glad you are there for her to be a good example of recovering strong.

My DD fell at school earlier this week and ended up injured. After taking her to the doc (no break, no fractures) I reluctantly texted her dad The Evil One to let him know. His response? “K. How is she otherwise?”
Two days let he followed up a text asking how she was doing.

violet
violet
5 years ago
Reply to  Luziana

I am so sorry that your daughter has had to pay such a steep price price for her father’s infidelity. It is maddening the way children’s feelings are ignored or dismissed by cheaters. After all, infidelity happens to them, too. It used to infuriate me when people would tell me my kids were going to “bounce back.” Ugh, no, their father blew up their world just like he torpedoed our marriage.

As much as cheaters refuse to acknowledge it, their actions have consequences far beyond the effect on their spouses. I hope your daughter gets the help she needs to understand she deserves better. Some of my grown kids still suffer because of what they had to go through as teens and young adults (I had to call one daughter at college to break the news to her minutes before it exploded all over social media). But then, other people’s feelings just don’t matter to these pseudo-humans, so I am sure your X accepts zero responsibility for how his cheating hurt your daughter. She is lucky to have you to help understand that none of this is her fault!

unicornomore
unicornomore
5 years ago
Reply to  violet

Yes, this.

Nowdeadcheaters meltdown was the worst in 2005…in one of his moments of monstering, NDC tried to secure a HUGE chunk of cake by trying to get his family to move to where he and the OW fucked. For that to work, we would have had to trust in his goodness enough to be willing to give up our home, school, friends, job to leave everything and trust we were a rainbow farting unicorn chasing the fairy dust of remaining an intact family (even though it was him alone who decided to move to Calif).

Our oldest child was at the end of HS and looking at his Senior year. NDCs cake eating would make son leave HS and do hi Senior year somewhere that he knew no one. I brought that up to the King of Cake and his answer was for us to leave him behind…We move to CA and son lives with whoever is willing to allow him to move in.

Fuck, fuckity, fuck, fuck I know of cases where parents HAVE to do stuff like this, but CHOOSING it (with me years later realizing it was so that Cheater could have cake!?) leave our child behind so he could fuck OW. In addition, middle kid had depression issues and counselor told me to not move him under any circumstances whereupon Cheater PROMISED him he wouldnt have to move. CHeater then moved and made us not living as a family the kids problem.

I told Cheater “you can betray your children if you wish, but I wont be a party to it” and I refused to move.

It was much later that I realized it was all a play for cake. It makes me seriously sick to think he did that to our kids.

TaraBelle
TaraBelle
5 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

You stayed, as love for your blood dictated. Huge fucking hugs to you, AND the Award of baddest and biggest Baller. EVER! You got that and this! You showed your babies what loyalty really looks like. You’re doing an AWESOME job ????????❤️

duped
duped
5 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

unicornnomore
they will do anything to screw that nasty ho of theirs ! They will do everything in their power to destroy whatever they have to make sure that they have that nasty cake that is their drug. I listened to the HG Tudor on youtube He is a narcissist, it’s a real eye opener what they do to keep cake and secure supply. It’s helped me realize what I was in the midst of my now dead cheater

hollowbunny
hollowbunny
5 years ago
Reply to  Luziana

I’m so sorry about your beautiful daughter and her pain. I can relate to your worry. May this be short and managed, and may she get what she needs during her stay so she has the tools to comfortable and confidently navigate this sometimes really shitty world. And I hope you are doing well. I unfortunately know that sick sick hopeless stomach feeling and I’m thinking about you both.

Lynne
Lynne
5 years ago
Reply to  hollowbunny

Luz, sending you hugs. I can relate to your situation with your daughter. I too know that awful sick feeling when our children suffer like that. I send you both warm heartfelt wishes,
strength and peace.

Gentle reader
Gentle reader
5 years ago
Reply to  Luziana

I certainly don’t know the whole situation but I don’t think you should let him take her to the cardiologist by himself. I would not trust that. You either cut that off or you also go with them everytime. You don’t know what he is saying or what is going on. Regarding any of her medical care you be there every time.

Trying for Mighty
Trying for Mighty
5 years ago
Reply to  Luziana

I’m sorry for your daughter’s depression. I’m glad she has you for a mother.
You are right that teenagers are susceptible, but they can put these episodes behind them. My son had a suicidal episode while in college; eight years later, he’s fine. Your daughter, too, can come through this and go on to live a satisfying life.

MamaMeh
MamaMeh
5 years ago
Reply to  Luziana

Yes. Yes. Yes yes yes. Luz I feel your despair and send warmth and strength. They are freaky creepy weirdos. The basic diagnosis.

I know exactly what you mean about getting your head around just how disconnected and bizarre they are …. but they can still astound you. That’s usually when the are kids suffering.

The crux of it is how meaningless they can make those of us mistaken enough to love them (what we thought they were) and to imagine/project reciprocal love. That’s us chumps and our poor children.

ChumpDiva
ChumpDiva
5 years ago
Reply to  Luziana

Luz, you ARE her light, her sane present parent – she is so lucky to have you! I work in a psych hospital and invested, attuned, supportive parents ROCK. Ghosts? Part of the problem, obvs! I’m holding you & DD in my heart. My own DD16 is the best gift ever and half of the living proof that something good can come of bearing f*wits (DD22 the other 50%).
You crack me up with your narc channel bundles! I love your tunr of a phrase, sister.

ChumpDiva
ChumpDiva
5 years ago
Reply to  ChumpDiva

well, THIS showed up in the wrong place. LOL…

Doingme
Doingme
5 years ago
Reply to  Luziana

Luz, I’m so sorry about your daughter. Simple decency for a beautiful child is unbelievable. Thank God she has a stron mom to weather the storm.

After being abandoned by both her mom when she was young and her grandfather four years ago my granddaughter entered a treatment program. She wanted me to ride in the rescue to the hospital. After months of family therapy my daughter, her mom invited the Limited to a therapy session.

What did they spend their time doing with this amazing child? They tried to schedule time to see her with the therapist. The Limited was able to muster these words, “I DON’T know what happened.” Her mom talked about herself. Not ONCE did they touch upon what they DID. Not an ounce of Shame or Decency.

My Lovie said, “I could give a Fuck about seeing either one of them.” And she hasn’t seen either of them in years. She’s doing amazing with one year of high school left.

I pray for your daughter. As they grow they figure it out. Wishin the both of you strength and peace.

Blee
Blee
5 years ago
Reply to  Luziana

Luz – I hope DD is getting better and comes out the other side even stronger.

Best wishes and hug to you both !!

Luziana
Luziana
5 years ago
Reply to  Blee

I have been really thankful for the stay, really. I can see the relief in her that her feelings are being taken seriously and that she matters. I’m ready to do whatever it takes to keep her safe.

I’m also thankful for your warm wishes. It helps a lot to talk to people who understand.

Jayne
Jayne
5 years ago
Reply to  Luziana

Luziana,
I’m so sorry to hear your daughter is suffering. I’m so very happy that she feels the hospital is helping. Having suffered depression myself, I recognise the relief when finally that black dog is called out and dealt with. For me, it really did help a lot to have it named and explained by my G.P. Went a long way to my recovery.

I’m not surprised (though obviously saddened) that her Dad has reacted the way he has. Just as you say – not glamorous enough, could possibly have something to do with his behaviour over the years so doesn’t want to think about that with a barge pole, might make people think he’s not so sparkly after all, and hey, why not blame Luziana for it – easy target.

Luziana, you are one of the loveliest people I know. Your writing shows a kind, loving, intelligent (emotionally and academically) humorous and considerate soul. I am sure your beautiful daughter is cut from the same cloth (how could she not be) – sadly, I think, that gentleness of spirit is also what makes her vulnerable to depression and emotional suffering – but even so, even if the price to be paid for being such lovely people is the pain felt by having such an open heart, would either of you want it any other way? Who’d want to be like her father? Who’d choose to be a selfish, superficial fuckwit?

Love you Luziana, sending warmth and strength to your lovely girl from across the pond xxx

Intothelight
Intothelight
5 years ago
Reply to  Luziana

Luziana this breaks my heart. Thank goodness your daughter has you to be her mama bear and help her through this. My DD17 attempted suicide a year ago, and I found her still alive and called 911. CN has it right – teenagers are often exposed to toxic and bullying social conditions despite schools’ much-advertised “zero tolerance,” and having a Douchebag for a parent only makes it worse. In my case, DB visited her in the hospital but promptly left town on a “business” trip. Fast forward 3 months to D-Day1, and I told DB that we had to both go to our daughter’s therapist appointment to tell her, in a safe environment in front of her therapist, that we were getting a divorce. I had to schedule the appointment, then reschedule it because he was too busy to make the first one, then text him the name and address of the therapist as he had no clue she was even seeing one. Before I went NC, I had been trained over many years to accept this heartless behavior as normal. Because I am proud of her, I also wanted to mention that my daughter recently became aware through social media of another teenager who had attempted suicide, someone she did not know, and she reached out to that person and offered her story and a sympathetic ear.

Chumpiness
Chumpiness
5 years ago
Reply to  Intothelight

Your daughter sounds like a strong and kind young woman. It takes courage to reach out and share your pain to help another.

My daughter experiences quite a bit of bullying at school, which we’ve been dealing with in conjunction with an awesome school support team. But her dad and his girlfriend essentially bullied her too, and she was so crushed. “Even my dad is bullying me.” He’s all concerned when someone else does it but can’t see his own behavior.

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
5 years ago
Reply to  Luziana

I am glad your daughter has you looking out for her. It must make you anxious having already lost a child but she has to know that you lover her and that surely helps. I can’t understand why your ex doesn’t share your anxiety, but then there is a lot I don’t understand about people like him.

My daughter also suffers from anxiety and depression (nor directly related to her Dad’s escapades although that surely didn’t help). She went through a brief period where she was expressing suicidal thoughts and it was very scary. No hospitalizations, but a few extra visits to her therapist with Mom along as well. Initially her Dad didn’t take her mental issues seriously, but he eventually accepted that there is something more to it than teenage girl drama. He has decided, however, that it is just the books she reads and/or the TV she watches that is the cause of it all and just having her read more uplifting fiction and/or shutting off the internet will solve all of her problems.

She is going very far away to college next year. She is excited about it and she is generally a responsible person who knows to seek help when she needs it, but it still makes me anxious to have her so far away where I can’t get to her in a hurry if she needs me. I just hope I will be able to provide adequate support through e-mail, phone, facetime, etc. if/when she needs it. She seems to be doing much better these days but college can be stress inducing.

alicia
alicia
5 years ago
Reply to  Luziana

I understand too. My girl was very close to her dad. He walked out on us when she was 16 without a look back and she has refused to speak to him since. She’s a cutter and was suicidally depressed last year, but did her father try to contact her? Nope. (I’ve told him numerous times: say you’re sorry for the way you left and she’ll talk to you. But nope. He can’t and won’t say he’s sorry, even to have a relationship with his only daughter.)

alicia
alicia
5 years ago
Reply to  alicia

And you know what? It’s been five years and I’m not at meh. I don’t think I’ll ever be at meh after the way he treated my kids. I will just never not be angry and I’m OK with that. Some things you should stay angry about.

OutOfSparkles
OutOfSparkles
5 years ago
Reply to  alicia

Alicia – thank you for saying that. My ex left when my eldest daughter was 14 (now 15 and 1/2). She has had OCD since she was 6 and had had a lot of school anxiety (at a previous school due to bullying) when she had cut and had suicidal thoughts but that was pretty well better when he left.
He told her about OW 5 days after he left (empathyless asshole was so excited he thought she would be too) then insisted on introducing her to kids v soon after this, I’m not sure exact timeline, he lied but she was sitting there with them ignoring her within 2-3 weeks. Anyway, this continued in various forms every time they visited over next few weeks, with her becoming more and more distressed, cutting and suicidal, but he wouldn’t listen. The night he got back from 3 week trip with OW to meet his parents (2 months after leaving) 4 policeman turned up at my door saying that they had been contacted by suicide helpline DD had contacted before I got home from work saying she was thinking about putting a rope around her neck. Thankfully she was ok but we had ED visit with all documented and followed up by her psychiatrist/psychologist. He continued on, though, and married OW less than 5 months after leaving, has refused to have any contact with my daughter without her present (says a lot about her too that she goes along with this, even if she hasn’t instigated it – which I don’t know either way). He has ignored her needs and treated her like he treated me, blaming her and playing the victim. The last email she had from him just after Christmas (which was better than the one he sent me about her which she never saw) about her not visiting whilst his parents were here she cut after again – the first time in about 6 months. He has been so awful. I arranged family therapy, but he leaves all the responsibility on her, won’t apologise for anything, won’t accomodate her needs at all – and still places it all on her. She has chosen to go officially no contact with him for the next 3 months (although hadn’t seen him since Christmas) and is just so much lighter in mood. It has impacted her younger sister too – she goes but is often very anxious about it, and it is very divisive to have one going and one not. I don’t know what will happen with her in years to come, particularly if she stops being the cute, compliant thing she is for them still.
He neglected the children before he left – more so than I had realised (although now in retrospect blindingly obvious even though I had spackled for him with them) and his relationship was tenuous before he left, although I’m pretty sure he was too blind to see that.
He psychologically and emotionally abused me for 20 years. That I can let go of – I realise now it wasn’t personal, I was just a convenient receptacle. For myself meh seems very doable – and I am so glad not to be with him, although I hate that he is in my life as a coparent – he still uses this to punish me at times, but still for myself I can see being able to let this go.
What I cannot imagine being at meh with is the way he has treated my children – particularly my eldest daughter. This is so abhorrent, so beyond what I could imagine – and ongoing, how can I let that go? How is it right to let it go? I have no idea. I hope that she can find some “meh” with regard to it – I think that is much more likely now she essentially has no contact, although the fact that that is the only way is pretty shitty in itself. I find this very hard to answer. It is good to hear other people struggling with this (IYKWIM). A shit place for us all to be, but a reality, and I have no real answer, at least not now. Thanks for raising this.

OutOfSparkles
OutOfSparkles
5 years ago
Reply to  OutOfSparkles

Fern – I have just read your line about not letting that anger get in the way of your journey to mightiness being the challenge. I love that. I think that is probably the only way.

Owlbaby
Owlbaby
5 years ago
Reply to  alicia

Exactly! Could not agree more. There is absolutely nothing wrong with a righteous anger that protects!

MamaMeh
MamaMeh
5 years ago
Reply to  Owlbaby

Do mama bears do meh? Hmmmm ….

RockStarWife
RockStarWife
5 years ago
Reply to  Owlbaby

By the way, Owlbaby,
After my husband filed for divorce and accused me of abusing our kids,I was informed by some very reliable sources, independent of each other, that my husband beat our young kids with a belt. Wish tat I could have gotten supervised visitation for the kids’ sake. One reason I stayed until he filed–I was acting as a human shield because I had a strong gut feeling…

Fern
Fern
5 years ago
Reply to  alicia

You raise a good point Alicia. It is one thing to let go of anger for transgressions against you but another thing entirely when it comes to your kids. But the challenge is not to let that anger get in the way of moving on into your mightiness.
Sometimes anger points the way. So yeah, I support a lifetime of middle fingers to him on behave of your kiddos.

Owlbaby
Owlbaby
5 years ago
Reply to  Luziana

I completely understand. My 14-yr old daughter was cutting when Shitforshame left, and it has been a long hard road back. Came to find out he has been molesting her, which explains why he treated her so differently than her three older siblings. I realize now he was targeting her and keeping her emotionally off balance because she knew about his affair with her best friend’s mom for more than a year, and was focused on keeping her from talking about either of his perverted secrets. I moved over 1000 miles away so my kids could heal out of reach of their disordered father. She will turn 18 in a few months, and has become a confident young woman, who has actually written an amazing song from the perspective of Chump teens. Hoping to help her get it recorded this fall to help her deal with the pain in a therapeutic way, affect a sort of closure for her that her father would never provide, and to give a voice to so many hurting teens who are forced to deal with unfathomable trauma at the hands of the person they trusted most in this world.

Like us, validation is key for our kids. Their fuckwit fathers and mothers dismiss their pain and just look past it because dealing with themselves being the cause is not part of their new life plan. But when they feel heard, they feel empowered, and that is the gift you are giving your daughter! Hugs to you both, and I wish you continued emotional and physical recovery!

Corrine J.
Corrine J.
5 years ago
Reply to  Owlbaby

Our daughter never made her First Holy Communion when she was 7 due to various reasons,so when she was 14,just 2 months shy of 15,we had her do it with the class of the 7 and 8 year olds.We dressed her the same as the little girls in the poofy,short sleeve,knee length,communion dress and veil with the lace anklets and the white ‘mary jane’shoes.Under her dress,we did the same traditional white tee shirt,cloth communion diaper and rubberpants over it as worn by the little girls.After her party,her boyfriend,Jason,who was 15,took her to his house and his parents were gone for the weekend.After a while,i went over to Jason’s house and caught the daughter and Jason fooling around! She had her Communion dress off and her tee shirt and was just in her veil,diaper,rubberpants and anklets and was on her knees giving Jason oral sex!I was shocked and flabbergasted to say the least! She told me they were kissing and Jason put his hand under her dress and felt her diaper and rubberpants and got very aroused and took her dress and tee shirt off of her and told her he wanted a “blowjob” and thats what she was doing when i caught them!I couldnt believe she would do something like this on her First Holy Communion day!

Fern
Fern
5 years ago
Reply to  Owlbaby

Just last night I read the most achingly beautiful, gut-wrenching essay about a young women and the abuse inflicted on her as a child. She describes how she tried to make sense of what happened to her but of course she could not because it made no sense. Some things are so unfair and so terrible that they defy understanding and explanation.
She writes in an advice column. Perhaps it will be helpful to your daughter. It was helpful to me, not because I have been molested, but because some things that are horrible have to be transcended.

http://therumpus.net/2010/06/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-39-the-baby-bird/

Owlbaby
Owlbaby
5 years ago
Reply to  Fern

Appreciate that, Fern. Will definitely share that with her!

ChumpDiva
ChumpDiva
5 years ago
Reply to  Owlbaby

Oh, Owlbaby…your MIGHTY is awe-inspiring. Your daughter is so fortunate to have you in her corner. I don’t have any other words.

Owlbaby
Owlbaby
5 years ago
Reply to  ChumpDiva

Thank you, CD. Don’t feel very mighty these days, weary is more like it. Thanks for the reminder, though!

RockStarWife
RockStarWife
5 years ago
Reply to  Owlbaby

Owlbaby,
I am very sorry to hear about your daughter being molested.

I was sexually assaulted as a child and a teen. Not until I was approximately 50 years old did I realize how it might have affected how I conducted my relationships what I did and tolerated). I sometimes now think about contacting my abuser, a sociopathic narcissist to this day, and telling him that what he did was illegal and completely unacceptable.

Now-I-Know-What-Hell-Looks-Like
Now-I-Know-What-Hell-Looks-Like
5 years ago
Reply to  Owlbaby

Owlbaby, your ex is a sick freak of the highest order. After reading your post I have such an overwhelming urge to remove his penis with a butter knife and feed it to him whole.
I am praying for strength and healing for you and your daughter. ????

duped
duped
5 years ago

can someone tell me what it means for your cheater to have a large 8 x 10 picture ( or had) it on his desk at work of his niece? Doesn’t that seem strange. She was some form of supply but I don’t know if it could have been sexual? After all, he had the howorker that was providing copious amount of ho worker sex because she was getting lovebombed as a result of her sleezy ho-ness. But it puzzles to me have found this big ugly niece on his desk. ? sorry but her head took up the whole 8×10 picture. There was just no area around her head in the picture cuz it was taken up by the size of her head. ? I am still wondering what that was all about?

Sucker Punched by a Saffa
Sucker Punched by a Saffa
5 years ago
Reply to  duped

It’s very questionable and disturbing, that’s what it is.

Owlbaby
Owlbaby
5 years ago

Thank you so much for a belly laugh, that felt so good!! See, this is why I come here, so much better than costly therapy, with humor to boot ????

Blee
Blee
5 years ago
Reply to  Owlbaby

Your partner was molesting your 14 yo DD ?

Is this guy in jail yet ??

Cheating on a spouse is one thing. Molesting a minor is completely something else

Owlbaby
Owlbaby
5 years ago
Reply to  Blee

It would have come down to a he-said-she-said sorta thing, and my daughter was not strong enough at the time to pursue it. Her counselor said that he is a mandated reporter but would not report it if she didn’t want to, since she was in no further danger. The counselor even said her father called trying to fish for what DD was revealing in their sessions, and the counselor realized then what we were up against. So no, there is no justice. But we survived him. There’s that. And her siblings know and believe her, so have very little to do with him.

OutOfSparkles
OutOfSparkles
5 years ago
Reply to  Owlbaby

Mandatory reporting (at least where I live/work) is mandatory reporting and is not in any way discretionary. Having said that, to answer the other issues, that does not at all mean that he would have been prosecuted. It would depend on many factors, most notably adequate proof which is often very hard to obtain.
I work with many (adults) who have been sexually abused as children. It is often very devastating, although for many of my patients that has been much exacerbated by not being believed, which is, thankfully not the case here. I also see many people, where the process of attempting to obtain justice (either for them or society as a whole) has been almost more scarring than the actual abuse. That may be hard to believe, but is is my observation, and I know others’ in the field, who say the same. The prosecution process is brutal and often unsuccessful and leaves people feeling doubly wounded. Yes, it leaves him still open to molesting (mandatory reporting should have impacted that although may not have made a huge difference but should still have occurred) but prosecution doesn’t necessarily stop that and, when it is your child, who is often unstable and suffering enough, that is a hard judgement to call. As an adult, providing you are prepared for the process and the strong chance of it not succeeding I think you can make an informed consent choice about it but I wouldn’t judge someone for not pursuing this legally until you have been in that situation. I can fully understand prioritising your daughter’s wellbeing in the here and now, especially when she was previously suicidal. When she is older she can make a decision, if she wants – and is up to it.
My daughter was also suicidal and self-harmed (now 15) before her father left, but it escalated a lot in the wake of his behaviour and introduction of OW just a few days after leaving. His last email to her 5 months ago resulted in her self-cutting (after 6 months with none) and she has had no contact with him since. She is so much better in her mood now she knows she doesn’t have to see him (at least for a while). I would say I am pretty sure he never molested her (she has had a lot of opportunity to tell safely, I think) although it is strange – I would never considered this a possibility before he left but as I see him more fully, not just in his behaviour towards me but also towards his children (particularly eldest but mostly as she has been less compliant), nothing would truly shock me. A sad state.
I am so glad your daughter is doing well. Being believed – and protected, is so valuable, which is what you did do.

Blee
Blee
5 years ago
Reply to  Owlbaby

OwlBaby

Any court proceding comes down to “It would have come down to a he-said-she-said sorta thing”. That’s why we have lawyers and judges and juries.

Charges are laid, witnesses are called, then it’s up to said judges and juries to decide who’s telling the truth or not.

If you don’t believe me, go and ask Larry Nassar whether he thought he would get caught out molesting young girls in his care.

I am seriously angry about what has happened to your DD.
My next question is: Who is going to be the ex’s next victim ?

Please – for DD’s sake, report this guy to the authorities and let the process sort him out.

Kristen
Kristen
5 years ago
Reply to  Owlbaby

Giant flashing red light here! Either you made up the story of your daughter’s abuse to dramatize your post, or your therapist has committed a MAJOR legal and ethical lapse and should lose their license immediately. Mandated reporters don’t get to pick and choose. They are MANDATED!! If your therapist knows your kid was molested and says nothing, you need a new therapist, stat.

lulutoo
lulutoo
5 years ago
Reply to  Owlbaby

Isn’t a mandated reporter MANDATED to report? That seems shocking, that he would let your daughter decide. That sounds wacky.

Cardigirl
Cardigirl
5 years ago

You can’t feel shame if you are a perfect person.

I suspect my ex never felt any shame, so it had nowhere to disappear to. He was raised by a narcissistic mother to believe he deserved the best of everything, and that only his needs mattered.

It was all wrapped up in a charming package, but it took a long time for me to see how hollow that package really was.

Shame? What shame? “I deserve to have ‘the most beautiful woman in the world'” he said to me.

unicornomore
unicornomore
5 years ago
Reply to  Cardigirl

Skein untangling warning: I had thought that the cause of my nowdeadcheaters “shamlessness” would be a secret he took to his grave, but after he died, his sister wrote (and published publicly) a (terrible freeform) poem about her and her brother that has really creepy incestuous undertones (or are they “overtones”?).

I wonder if the real issue was massive, deep, profound, shame to which he responded by overtly having none.

ChumpDiva
ChumpDiva
5 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

UNICORNOMORE,
THIS!!! Sounds very familiar, here. Ugh! You might just be on to something there.
Just – ugh!
Boss Hogg tried to tell me that Daisy Duke was “like a sister” to him. Yes – she of the vibrator self-betterment. He bought her perfume to start with. Then bras & thongs and cutoffs (hence, “Daisy”) with the Jackrabbit jackpot Christmas present (not even counting the thousands of dollars worth of crappy “house painting” she did for his company, including blank checks).
I told him if that was what he thought family was supposed to be he didn’t need to be anywhere near our 15 yo DD, that he wasn’t safe with values like those. He told me I needed to “teach him” what was right. I countered that if he doesn’t know by 64, there was NOTHING I could do to help him now.
Trust. That. They. Suck.
And always way worse than we will EVER know.
Years ago,. his younger sister told the family that her father molested her. But I suspect there was more… It turns my stomach. But in a way it explains f*ed up from the start with no hope for healthy change. I wonder if I should ask, but I really don’t want the answer. I have kept my kids as far away as I can and have always been present when the family gathered.
I have my own childhood sexual abuse issues.I guess it’s no surprise I drew that sick to me before I started my healing journey. SHould have booted it long ago.
Thank God, Tracy and each of you fine chumpy warriors – I do NOT have to live in that sewage another second!
Take YOUR shame & wear it, Hogg. It’s NOT mine!

KarenE
KarenE
5 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

I used to think this, UNM, but the research shows they really do, deep down, think they’re great.

Perhaps the childhood creepiness occurred because even then he (and perhaps his sister too) was deeply disordered.

unicornomore
unicornomore
5 years ago
Reply to  KarenE

Yea, that is why we shouldnt try to untangle that skein…did they think they were fabulous or were they so ashamed that they created a facade of fabulousness to hide? In reality they really sucked, and no one had any influence over them, so it doesn’t really matter. Either way, it was his / his sisters job to take whatever they had and be decent humans.

hollowbunny
hollowbunny
5 years ago
Reply to  Cardigirl

Good god. My cheater was taught that he only deserved a woman who worshipped his mother like an idol, which of course made said woman the greatest accessory in the world. I failed miserably at that test I didn’t know I was taking. My confusing role as booby prize fucked me up for 30 years. How was I not good enough for a tribe of mouth breathing uneducated losers when I adored my husband? Alas, I was not.

unicornomore
unicornomore
5 years ago
Reply to  hollowbunny

My Mother in Law has been The Booby Prize for 57 years. This is what Nowdeadcheater learned from his dad and I was Booby Prize 2.0

Gonegirl
Gonegirl
5 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

I think my ex monster in law and yours may be the same person.

Mine was an extreme control freak. Controls every part of the husbands and kids lives to where they work, where they live, what kind of car they drive. She hated me because I worked outside the family business in a very good career, had 2 masters degrees and did not have to put up with her crap in order to receive a paycheck.

The OW now wife was an employee who she hired, who did those things I didn’t.

She has no shame, therefore her son does not. It was never taught, everything is someone’s else’s fault.

Blee
Blee
5 years ago
Reply to  hollowbunny

Being the “consolation prize” sucks. Aka – You’ll never win !

Kiminator
Kiminator
5 years ago

It is in the bottom of the martini glass of the Martini we shared at the Navy recruiting awards ceremony when he left me to party in another hotel room with Schmoop! I had to find my way to our room alone. Fuckwit came in at 5 am. Wanted to cuddle. Loved the olive though! Got up in the AM and wrote a six page final essay for an English class at University…about Alchemy…got a B. Might have been an A if fuckhead wasn’t screwing me over.

catharsis2017
catharsis2017
5 years ago

My therapist put it this way:
– The thing is, when a person does something shameless, the shame ends up on someone else.

So, yeah, I’ve go it.

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
5 years ago
Reply to  catharsis2017

Blameshifting perfected.

validated
validated
5 years ago
Reply to  ClearWaters

blame shifting is also shame shifting. X had his shame tied up in his resentments for all the slights and things that were not done for him.

nodancing
nodancing
5 years ago
Reply to  catharsis2017

This is true, they put them shame on us! I was told I was every shameful thing he could possibly invent. They don’t have any issues heaping that baggage on us to carry around for them.

Whatringofhellisthis
Whatringofhellisthis
5 years ago

Their shame is stuck so far up their narcissistic asses that it will never see the light of day.

Shame and guilt/conscience go together. When there is a chance that some shame might leak out of his ass, he just vomits out some blame to soothe his shame stomach ache grumbles.

Blame lies and denial… the Pepto-Bismol of NPDs.

CC
CC
5 years ago

No joke. Anytime my ex feels slighted in ANY way, whether it is real or perceived, it is WWIII.

Just the other day I had to deal with him blaming me over in his words “ highly inappropriate” messages that were sent to him and the OW. He is desperate to find out who sent them and of course blamed me. Let’s pay attention to what he thinks I do, but not his own “highly inappropriate” behavior of leaving a wife with cancer and immediately impregnating the first woman who shows interest in him. He then finds it disturbing that people would gossip about his actions. The gossip is disturbing, not the actions?! ???? WTF?

Sadie
Sadie
5 years ago
Reply to  CC

Recently found out my husband of 17 years has been having an affair with his howorker. He invited me to NYC with him when he was on business where we had lunch with another coworker. The latter coworker happened to mention that my husband had been to the Christmas Show with his howorker and her family the previous day!! Basically found out two weeks before Christmas that he has someone on the side and another family. I was devastated. Kinda reminds me of the movie Hope Floats with Sandra Bollock…had to go buy it again. I had a few ugly months but I am starting to get to the other side!!

duped
duped
5 years ago
Reply to  Sadie

Sadie
similar thing happened to me , my husband of almost 18 years was screwing his howorker and I found out about her when the big bold ho walked into hospice! I found out so much after that and to this day I am in the throes of the aftermath…because he was a narcissist it’s like he’s still alive because one of his sibling is still in image management and control of me. Since his death she has been spinning her underhandedness and its coming out in so many different ways, basically in order to keep his image polished and that shit show of the whore hidden and secreted away, she is making sure she blackballs me. She is in full image management so that nobody to this day will ever believe anything about him. SO just in case I may say something to someone, it won’t be believed because she’s behind the scenes blackballing me in order to keep his pristine fake phoney scam con man image intact. He’s made to look like a great guy. How do I know this, well because having to deal with many different people due to his death, I am finding out the seethingly sinister shit that has been happening to make sure that nothing will permeate his image. And I am not even broadcasting it or saying anything. But it’s been her duty to continue the façade for him. SHe’s only one person that is part of his coachery and she’s just one of his flying monkeys. There are more.
It is devastating ! This is ALL because of a BIG whore. This whore has seemingly been still inadvertently ruining my life further. SHe must have been some powerful whore ! Meanwhile I think part of it is because there is even more to the story that I don’t know like that grown son of hers, whose his father? It could quite conceivably be his, the timeline works. All my months to the tune of 16 or so months has been ugly. That does not include the time the sham was being played out before my eyes/but behind my back while he was dying. SO much more. It could even be that he was ‘married’ to her. Even though he was married to me. I know that’s illegal but I would not even put it past due to all I know at this time. It seems like a lifetime movie, only I call it the greatest scam or con that has ever been perpetrated. I mean its just F unreal !

Whatringofhellisthis
Whatringofhellisthis
5 years ago
Reply to  CC

Yep the trusty tactic of getting you on the defensive to distract from their nuclear bombs and to make you think you’re just as bad as him.
I just started saying think what you want. They enjoy the drama/attention from us defending ourselves. Makes them feel important because we care enough to spend time proving we didn’t do that thing to hurt them.
Dickface has been on a year long campaign to prove I am a liar…. just like him…. so he feels better about his black soul. I finally just said do you even know the definition of the word liar. People that don’t do what you tell them to do are not liars. That’s not what liar means. Nice try shitforbrains.

ChumpDiva
ChumpDiva
5 years ago

Beautifully put!

Pret
Pret
5 years ago

There’s no shame to be had when it’s the chumps fault. Remember we’re the ones who drove them to cheat because they were unhappy for so many years. They? Well… they’re just poor sacrificial lambs. Cheater ex- “Didn’t you see the pain in my eyes when you took your love away from me?” Yes indeed, he was in so much pain he just had to fuck someone else and lead a double life for over 500+ days just to “stick it” to me… shame indeed.

BetterOffIHope
BetterOffIHope
5 years ago
Reply to  Pret

Wow… I received a text a few minutes ago stating that I would be a much happier person if I would stop blaming him for everything and look in the mirror. Blame-shifting!!! It is my fault he carried on over a year long affair.

JeanM
JeanM
5 years ago
Reply to  BetterOffIHope

BOH, dont snswer, however I get it, want to say Fuck off assclown!
Bye bitches

Kiminator
Kiminator
5 years ago

Yeah, fuckwit was dancing with me to the song, “Can I Have This Dance For the Rest of My Life, and his ho was out in the hallway recreating, “Save the Last dance for me.” Dedicated to MY husband!

JeanM
JeanM
5 years ago
Reply to  Kiminator

Yep, No double dipping, shitheads..
They try, cant be alone..
Stunted

MotherChumper99
MotherChumper99
5 years ago
Reply to  Kiminator

Omg — they are vile

Cuzchump
Cuzchump
5 years ago

Shame not for my stbx. It was like shame on me I only went away more with him. Shame on me I did not give him enough attention. Shame on me I wanted him to cheat. My stbx has no shame. The only shame he might have shown was that his credit score was low. But, shame on me because I had to use credit cards to pay taxes etc. That is all he kept talking about is his dam credit score. But, no shame screwing around with my cousin and lying about me. All that matters is that credit score.

Cuzchump
Cuzchump
5 years ago
Reply to  Cuzchump

Sorry for The typos. It should say shame on me if.

Yesshesucks
Yesshesucks
5 years ago

Her shame is in the (in poor repair) trailer her parents bought her yesterday because she can’t afford anything else big enough to have our kids every other week while she’s under employed and, thus, under paid while she works retail with her Masters degree. At least she offered me the chance to live there if we ended up working things out. God, is it Tuesday yet?

TaraBelle
TaraBelle
5 years ago
Reply to  Yesshesucks

Pikey kinda love on that generous life plan. Hugs to you.

UnsinkableMollyX
UnsinkableMollyX
5 years ago
Reply to  Yesshesucks

/At least she offered me the chance to live there if we ended up working things out/

OMG, ???????????????????????????? have you started packing your bags then?!?! I can’t even…
“Queen of My Double-Wide Trailer” by Sammy Kershaw comes to mind….
She’s working retail with a Master’s?!?! Why isn’t she working in her field?

KenderJ
KenderJ
5 years ago

Maybe her field is underwater poetry.

Kiminator
Kiminator
5 years ago
Reply to  Yesshesucks

Almost!

So Done
So Done
5 years ago

There is no shame because, in their view, they have nothing to be ashamed of; they were entitled to cheat. My STBX had been “unhappy for a long time” but he nevertheless “soldiered on” in our marriage for the sake of our kids. Poor, poor STBX. By “soldiering on,” he means that he lived in my house and pretended to be my husband while he had affairs with other women. Where is his shame? It is nonexistent. The only way that I have been able to wrap my mind around the depth and extent of his despicable-ness and treachery is to continually remind myself that he is disordered. Anyone with a conscience could not behave as he did. And he feels no shame fir any of it. Why should he? After all, it is my fault that he cheated.

Nveragain
Nveragain
5 years ago
Reply to  So Done

This. I could gave written this. He was unhappy for 10 yrs and he withdrew his attention from me and did prostitutes, massage parlors with happy endings, bisexual ads on Craigslist, strange woman in the middle of the day at their houses, orgies, casual meet-ups, etc. “as punishment ” he said for not admiring him any more!

No fucking shame.

I listen to Dr. Simon’s podcasts all day long. That’s what’s getting me out of the big black hole. The day was December 19 and everything is still so raw. But Dr. Simon says they are disordered and that, my friends, is what is keeping me sane.

SparkleTits
SparkleTits
5 years ago
Reply to  Nveragain

OMG, we were married to the same man. I feel you. My DDay was 11/17. When all his illicit sexcapades weren’t enough he went and found a Schmoopie. She knows “everything” and is helping him to be a “better man.” She also “encouraged him to reconcile” with me, for which he’s “so thankful.”

Hjghxsrthv

F6:dhdjklgjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjkkk

Sorry, I passed out on the keyboard from laughing. Knowing he is disordered and unfixable brings me some small comfort.

RockStarWife
RockStarWife
5 years ago
Reply to  SparkleTits

All three of us were married to the same guy! How did he find the time?

MamaMeh
MamaMeh
5 years ago
Reply to  RockStarWife

Amazing – we were ALL married to same guy – he had a wife in Australia too ! When you thought he was sleeping, he was on long haul flights!! When DID he find the time???!!!

Ten years he forced himself to go to hookers in his lunch break and gay saunas for orgies when he had a spare few hours … obviously because I wasn’t there for him, AND he was ” keeping the family together”. After our daughter died. So noble.

RockStarWife
RockStarWife
5 years ago
Reply to  MamaMeh

Sorry about the loss of your daughter, MamaMeh.

Kiminator
Kiminator
5 years ago

I think it’s in the clitoral pimento of the green olive speared against the rim of our martini glass!

Dagger76
Dagger76
5 years ago

If she did at all , mine had ‘after shame’ or ‘I don’t have filters and I don’t thonk outside the next two minutes so what is s consequence ‘ -ism
For the first few months she actually told a number of people the truth. That she ‘fell out of love ‘ and used the first guy who seemingly came along to fuck and end our chances of her possibky wanting to come back if she just straight up left on her own. Then told everyone within a week from what i can tell how excited she was to get out there dating and get ‘free meals and drinks ‘ usually I guess thinking that was hilarious.
And honestly I think she thought most people would just not care or think anything of this? Apparently she would just say all this without prompting. To other marroed people and whoever would listen.
She also continued to talk/sleep with the asshole after I told her twice if she did I wouldn’t be civil with her even for our kids. She liked the attention she said.
know a number of her friends and family just brushed it off( I believe you had a article about how its not their problem therefore dont expect them all to take your side? ) but once i found out and stopped and confronted her about it all letting her know I was done with her and I think she might have had I would guess someone put her in her place that stopped. From there on in if my career came up in convo its ‘oh I used to date a tattooer ” and that was it
Guess the not looking at me in the eye and visibly uncomfortable around me even two years out shows she might have found a bit of shame but i doubt much

KarenE
KarenE
5 years ago
Reply to  Dagger76

She’s uncomfortable because you no longer look at her with any version of ‘liking’ in your eyes. They hate dealing w/people who seem them for who they are.

Out West
Out West
5 years ago

My ex lives about a mile away in his mother’s house that he doesn’t pay for (she’s in a nursing home after suffering a stroke during our divorce). My ex has no shame as that was supposed to be my cross to bear. My ex does have multiple fast cars, boats, trips, and fast women in addition to schmoopie poo. But shame? None of that. I live shame free in the marital home which has been made over to suit my taste. I’m lucky in that what I did have instead of shame was white hot anger that propelled me to file a week after obtaining my final piece of damning evidence. Anger that propelled me to jump out of the frying pan of dysfunction. I’m in a good place. Sipping coffee getting ready to take my son to school and wake my daughter up for her last exam of her senior year. I’ll go to work and deal with paperwork required when you have to send a client to the hospital after a suicide attempt. It’s been a heavy week with clients but I’m at peace with my role in the world. No shame, my fuckwit will never wear the mantle of shame and I have chosen to discard any and all shame.

Golfgrrl
Golfgrrl
5 years ago

He left his shame with the vibrating cock ring in the third row of her Honda Pilot. You know, because how can you have any shame if you screw mostly in public parking lots? When you’re in your late 40s? For over 2.5 years?

No shame. No regret (except for getting caught). Because: no conscience.

Nveragain
Nveragain
5 years ago
Reply to  Golfgrrl

Yup, think my is doing parking lots and wooded areas, a la Craigslist sale…or so Find Friends leads me to believe. At 61…

No shame, no remorse, no guilt, no contrition but regret ’cause he got caught.

MARCUS LAZARUS
MARCUS LAZARUS
5 years ago

“Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets. So love the people who treat you right, and forget about the ones who don’t and believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance; take it. If it changes your life; let it. Nobody said that it would be easy, they just promised that it would be worth it.”

I found this on an old desktop computer vSTBXWW used no doubt to cheat. She was a master of covering her tracks. I saved it as “Her Philosophy”. It’s the only explanation I can associate with her having no guilt or shame.

I think her “shame” is like that little tickle you get in your throat before a coughing spell ensues. It lasts for a moment then POOF! Superseded by, “What do I want next”?

So rather than search for the empirical answer to ‘Where is your shame” , NOW I substitute, “Their brains are not wired like ours”. That makes us incompatible. And that is reason enough.

Next Question… How did I overlook (spackle) this incompatibility?

Chickynot
Chickynot
5 years ago
Reply to  MARCUS LAZARUS

Hey, Marcus, did you ever think that in some weird way, that philosophy on her screen was intended for YOU to see: “love the people who treat you right, and forget about the ones that don’t”. That’s correct—YOU are the one being mistreated, who should forget about HER. And who should leave her, with NO regrets. Your life is too short to waste on her.

RockStarWife
RockStarWife
5 years ago
Reply to  MARCUS LAZARUS

Marcus,
Wonderfully expressed–great final question! I am trying to figure why I unnecessarily tolerated much abuse and mistreatment for decades. Probably too late in my life to really positively change the course of my life, but maybe I can educate and train others on ways to protect themselves.

UnsinkableMollyX
UnsinkableMollyX
5 years ago
Reply to  MARCUS LAZARUS

Her philosophy sounds right along with exh1’s: do what you want to make yourself happy, the hell with what others think or feel…” And, “…I’m not responsible for how you feel…”
They really are all the same.

Golfgrrl
Golfgrrl
5 years ago
Reply to  MARCUS LAZARUS

Seriously. I so myself that same question. How did I miss this?

Golfgrrl
Golfgrrl
5 years ago
Reply to  Golfgrrl

*ask not so

UXworld
UXworld
5 years ago

KK’s shame took the form of the blank stare I got for 5 hours after I caught her trying to bring the Carrot Singer into our home.

It made only the briefest of appearances before being blanketed by the first protestation about how unhappy she’d been for so long. That blanket must have been really comfortable, because it was supplemented shortly thereafter by the quilt of “One mistake does not a person make.”

Since then the pile has grown higher — every tattoo, every piercing, every selfie, female empowerment quote, social media posting, story told publically about RPD and the madcap, sexcapade-filled life they lead, and insult/demand/lecture sent to me on Our Family Wizard, provides another layer of comfort against facing the reality of what she is.

The speck of shame that made so brief an appearance in Jan 2016 has died the slow death of suffocation, if it ever existed at all.

unicornomore
unicornomore
5 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

I know Im slow, but I still havent processed KK’s flappy arm issue from yesterday.

Call me crazy, but when I was getting ready to marry in 2015, I wanted firm guns, so I got weights and did arm exercises while I powerwalked. My 53 year old arms dont look as good as Cheater Mika Brzezinski (with her always sleeveless outfits) but pretty darn good.

Telling someone they had to pay for my arms to be improved simply never occurred to me.

ironhardempress
ironhardempress
5 years ago

As far as I know, no shame at all. He was so self-entitled shame just isn’t part of his vocabulary AT ALL. Like I’ve mentioned before tho, now he’s dead broke in Central America, with a janky heart either caused by A) drug use from his past or B) a nasty infection he contracted in El Salvador about 4 years ago. Karma has done it’s job.

Springfield 528
Springfield 528
5 years ago

I assume you are asking a rhetorical question when you ask “Where is Cheater’s and OW’s shame?” The legal objection is “assumes facts not in evidence.” In other words, you are assuming they have a sense of obligation to others of “the other” as opposed to just “themselves.” LOL. Cheater told me OW does feel what they did was “wrong” but that she is a very happy person and she told him if he left her, she would be devastated. Now to both of them in their selfish fucked-uped-ness, this means that “their” devastation is important but that my daughter’s devastation or mine or the employees of the company they messed or Cheater’s partners whose money they used to fund their affair DO NOT MATTER. Shame requires an understanding of others and I think that Cheaters just don’t have that in them. To care even a little bit about my daughter’s life would take attention away from themselves and we all know that the spotlight must remain on them. This loops back to yesterday’s topic–karma has already hit them. Can any of you who are out there actually dealing with the shit storm of destruction to lives, kids, finances, self esteem and so on that these Cheaters left behind imagine just not caring about other people? I told Cheater the other day as he was leaving for his 7th vacation since January with OW that I resented that he was at the beach as I was scrubbing grout to prepare our family home for sale. Seriously, the look on his face said it all. He had absolutely never considered the fairness doctrine in all of this. This is how he escapes the shame. If you never think of anyone but yourself, you are blissfully unaware of the destruction you have caused. So OW is very happy on the beach. This is Karma. These people suck. If your religious beliefs include some kind of afterlife judgment, they are going to be in the wrong line. If you just believe that “nice” people figure out who the jerks are in life and stay far away from them, then trust that Cheater and OW are doomed to a life lived with people just as suck-y as they are. Either way, no shame but also lots of bad karma

twiceachump
twiceachump
5 years ago

It has taken a long time for me to truly grasp that Dr. Cheaterpants is disordered. And trust that he sucks 100%. He has had a victim mentality from the moment I met him and I lifted him up. He was always complaining about how so and so didn’t listen to him, value his input, didn’t engage him for the wonderfulness that floated in his brain. And yes, he is smart. He is book smart. I didn’t realize when he would ask me to ‘do that thing you do, where you look at things from other peoples viewpoints’ that since he didn’t have empathy he could not do this. He needed me to boost him into being human.

Everything in his life is idealize, devalue, discard. I knew everything and everyone around him had a shelf life. I knew something wasn’t right. For 20 years of my life, I didn’t recognize him as a narcissist and the pattern they all follow. I didn’t realize I was the maker of his misery. I never got to hear that from him. I only got to read it when our iClouds were joined and he was texting/emailing young schmoopie about how hard his poor wittle life was. And he had everything anyone could want.

There’s no shame for him. No, I got to hold it for a long time. Embarrased and humiliated as he ran around with DD14’s 20-something asst sports coach in our kids’ Catholic high school while he was volunteer coaching. He’s still with his young ho 2 years later. And forcing our kids to accept her as a twu wuv. Bringing to our kids school for events. I’ll get to see her for graduation this weekend.

He has no shame because it wasn’t his fault in his mind. And I think he truly believes it. Nothing to work with there, ever. His perception is his reality. And he will live his life accordingly. Now that I know this is who he is and who he will always be, I know what I need to do. I left a cheater (he wanted cake), and I am working on gaining a life.

UnsinkableMollyX
UnsinkableMollyX
5 years ago
Reply to  twiceachump

Girl, you nailed it!!!!!
This times infinity is how I feel about exh2/The Evil One.
He has zero remorse nor shame about everything and anything he’s done. He justifies all of his actions and words.

Hopeful
Hopeful
5 years ago

I kept reading RIC articles about “toxic shame” and how this was the motivation for cheaters to “act out” by having an affair. Strangely enough – despite it being such a powerful impetus that it could spur a cheater on to a whole series of choices and actions required to serve their own needs in an affair – the RIC also claimed this “toxic shame” was such a binding force that it prevented them from being able to make any choices and actions that served their hurt partner’s needs in the aftermath of their affair. So that’s oddly paradoxical.

Anyway, I kept making excuses for my husband’s refusal to follow the reconciliation plan that I devised from all my Amazon chump research and so generously typed up into multiple formats to have readily available on his phone, email, in print copy, etc. One day he told me “You keep referencing this toxic shame. I don’t have that.” Well I argued with him that of course he did, that he just wasn’t being self-reflective enough, but that given enough time he’d be able to one day see how this was the root cause of his having an affair. He replied that, no, he never felt any shame. He was sorry, but he wasn’t shameful.

I could not for the life of me understand this. So I asked my psychologist, and she was genuinely surprised that I was not aware he is a SOCIOPATH. She assumed that with my educational background in psychology and child development, coupled with all my research post D-Day, that I’d come to grips with this fact. Nope, it never crossed my mind that MY husband could be sociopathic. So she explained that I’d been projecting my own sense of shame onto him. He didn’t feel any shame because that part of him closed up shop a long time ago as a defense mechanism in childhood. He is a “secondary sociopath”, the type most amenable to treatment, yet nonetheless incapable of ever developing a full range of emotions such as empathy and – you guessed it, shame.

RockStarWife
RockStarWife
5 years ago
Reply to  Hopeful

Hopeful,
At university I lectured on–wait for it–abnormal psychology I still remember thinking, ‘I don’t know ANYONE who has a personality disorder,’ even though I was married to and had created children with a sociopathic, borderline, narcissistic criminal. Sometimes it’s hard to realize that the gun is aimed at you when the barrel is in your mouth.

Chickynot
Chickynot
5 years ago
Reply to  RockStarWife

Holding my hand up as ex-wife of narcicissistic, sociopathic, borderline criminal. RSW, do you think the reason nobody in your life seemed to be disordered is that when you assume your spouse’s behavior is “normal”, by comparison everyone else seems healthy?

Chickynot
Chickynot
5 years ago
Reply to  Chickynot

(Asking because that was the case for me ????). Thank goodness no longer.

RockStarWife
RockStarWife
5 years ago
Reply to  Chickynot

ChickyNot,
I HAVE asked myself this question. I think of my emotional situation a bit like I think of famine. If you’ve been malnourished/undernourished for months/years (malnutrition is the norm for you), then eating dirt (which still leaves you malnourished but fills your stomach) seems ‘satisfying,’ maybe even exciting, in a way, because you have gotten accustomed to extreme deprivation/chronically unhealthy living. As I was married to an extremely psychologically disordered , abusuve person, I think that ANYONE who didn’t severely abuse me day in and day out seemed like a saint–even if he was an abuser, too. I think tha subconsciously I thought, ‘well, at least post-separation boyfriend doesn’t hit me and doesn’t commit crimes against me–and lots of people say he’s a nice guy’–so I got myself someone who mistreated me but not as badly. As time goes on withiut my ex-boyfriend I increasingly grow aware of how bad his treatment of me was–and throwing me a few scraps of human decency doesn’t ‘erase’ the unwarranted, unacceptable behavior.

Nveragain
Nveragain
5 years ago
Reply to  Chickynot

Me

MamaMeh
MamaMeh
5 years ago
Reply to  RockStarWife

Love that line rockstar wife. Brilliant

RockStarWife
RockStarWife
5 years ago
Reply to  MamaMeh

Thanks, MamaMeh

UnsinkableMollyX
UnsinkableMollyX
5 years ago
Reply to  RockStarWife

Really???? How interesting!!!
Do you have a power point you could share? Lecture notes/outline???
Id love to see it.

RockStarWife
RockStarWife
5 years ago

No, sorry. But I can direct you to some good. solid materials and have talked to some experts in the field (e.g., Bill Eddy).

Born Free
Born Free
5 years ago
Reply to  RockStarWife

RockStar – with your background in abnormal psychology, did you not see any signs of your X’s problems? Scary.

Leavealyingloser
Leavealyingloser
5 years ago
Reply to  Hopeful

Shame is what these people avoid at all costs. It is like death to them. It reminds me of the end scene from Dangerous Liaisons. I never really understood why she was went so completely crazy. I understand it a little more now. She lost and was exposed and it triggered all her shame which triggered her blinding rage.

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
5 years ago
Reply to  Hopeful

Hopeful, I cringe in shame about the time and dignity I lost with this “toxic shame” bullshit. But it was while I was amazon chumping that I came across Chump Lady and Chump Nation.

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
5 years ago
Reply to  Hopeful

I don’t ‘think you can have shame without empathy. In order to have shame you have to be able to understand how your actions cause harm to others.

In my ex’s case I think he is willfully unempathetic, however. He is a coward who lacks empathy because he doesn’t want to have to face his shame. Others may simply be born impaired.

Janus
Janus
5 years ago

They only feel ashamed of being alone. Whatever the problems in the marriage were or are, they do not exist to the cheater unless they have a Schmoopie as an option. Then, your messy closet or a broken yolk on a fried egg is a deal breaker. However, if Schmoopie takes off, “mistakes were made,” and you will have to change the locks and get a restraining order to get rid of them. They train all their enablers to think that being cheated on and left without an instant new partner is what is shameful. Not lying, cheating, stealing, having your things sold on Storage Wars because you did not pay the bill, IRS liens, being fearful of entering your own country….

Leavealyingloser
Leavealyingloser
5 years ago
Reply to  Janus

Janus yes exactly. They only fear the shame of being alone.

Kiminator
Kiminator
5 years ago
Reply to  Janus

Yes! A messy closet, or a broken egg yolk…in deed!

Blindside
Blindside
5 years ago

Her shame disappeared once I assumed all of her student loans (before I found out). After that, it was “who cares what he thinks” because now he has all of my debt!

Got-a-brain
Got-a-brain
5 years ago

Where is his shame? Hmmm…

Maybe it’s hiding behind his porn glazed eyes? Nope, not there!

Maybe it’s a subliminal message hidden in his “my life is fabulous” Facebook posts. Nope not there!

Maybe it’s tucked in the millions of dollars of martial money he’s spent on sex workers, girlfriends and literally the food taken from our children’s mouths! Nope, not there

Maybe it’s hidden in the fictional story he is painting to the court. The mountain of lies that I’m a money grubbing, lazy, crazy spouse; driving him to be a workaholic and sexaholic, because of the “lavish lifestyle” I insisted he provide! Nope, not there!

Maybe it’s hidden beneath the impression management he’s so adept at manufacturing. The one where he’s a super friendly, nice guy. Nope not there!

Maybe it’s in the rages and outburst twirl myself and the children when we didn’t make his life the way he wanted it to be. The worshiping of a God, and of course “greeting him at the door like the dog” (yes, that literally came out of his mouth). Nope, no shame there!

I bought into the sex addiction/ shame narrative for a VERY long time. For anyone who isn’t familiar with that, basically it’s the same as the RIC… they aren’t responsible for their behavior because… shame! Just another tool to allow disordered fucks to use empathy and Conscience as a weapon to gain the upper hand and disadvantage the person who truly has one.

Got-a-brain
Got-a-brain
5 years ago
Reply to  Got-a-brain

* toward, not twirl. Stupid auto correct

MamaMeh
MamaMeh
5 years ago
Reply to  Got-a-brain

Sigh. Really feeling for you. My goodness these people are destructive. Hugs

TiredChump
TiredChump
5 years ago

In cheaters’ minds – they’ve created a revisionist version of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs where “true love” = self actualization – the absolute pinnacle of human development – thereby trumping anyone and anything else

TiredChump
TiredChump
5 years ago

And as a Lion King lover – I must defend Pumba and warthogs everywhere – as having greater integrity and empathy than any of our cheaters ????

Kathleen
Kathleen
5 years ago

Never showed shame or remorse after 34 years
married. After I bought him half out of home
& now in debt, he’s with another woman living
happy & content. ( original OWhore died)

Evil does walk among us …????

MyRedSandals
MyRedSandals
5 years ago

Why on earth would my XH feel any shame for the baker’s dozen + 1 of affairs he had during our 40-year relationship? His FEELINGS always trumped his loose commitment to me (a.k.a. marriage vows).

Apparently, whenever a new and eager supply came on the scene, it’s the “silly butterflies” in his stomach that drove him to stray, and then c’mon, he had no choice but to use his dick as a divining rod to drill for fresh pussy.

Nope, I was the one who was supposed to bear whatever shame was due. And classic chump that I was – loyal, faithful, committed, loving – I bought into that storyline hook, line and sinker… until I felt so badly about myself, it was just easier to disappear into that deep dark hole than to fight back.

But guess what?

No more cheating spouse = No shame! Miraculous!

Sunflower36
Sunflower36
5 years ago

I’d say his shame Ian somewhere before her G-spot and that his dick will always be just a bit too short to reach all the way there….

Kiminator
Kiminator
5 years ago

Fuckwit told me I was so miserable, he thought he ought to take me out to the back yard and shoot me; to put me out of my misery.

Letitsnow
Letitsnow
5 years ago
Reply to  Kiminator

Now there’s projection, at its finest!

Nveragain
Nveragain
5 years ago
Reply to  Kiminator

That is just plain fucked up.

RealMonkeyLove
RealMonkeyLove
5 years ago

Shame, hmmm, that’s a tough one. None whatsoever. Zero, zip, nada, nothing.

Just grateful she’s gone and never coming back????

Mitz
Mitz
5 years ago

Some readings of late:

The personality disordered are unable to be trusted to behave pro-socially toward others.

Narcy people flock together in predatory packs

The serial cheater’s spouse will be profiled as emotionally unstable, hostile, irrational and mean spirited.

Chumps are held captive by the belief that staying involved with a family member who abuses is the morally correct and socially appropriate thing to do.

They cry on people’s shoulders while they flat out make up stories to isolate you and pervasively strive to financially, emotionally and psychologically destroy you.

Cheaters are vertical thinkers. Them at the top while leaving everyone else’s human rights in the dirt.

Cheaters target those with the empathy gene.

You wanted a picket fence, instead you got a predator. Fooling their nearest and dearest thrills and excites them. New prey and adulation is what they live for. They morally lack the capacity for guilt.

Cheaters are driven by a deviant neuro-chemical biology

It crushes them the most to know they no longer matter to you

Cluster B people derive pleasure from a different (aberrant) set of core values

They have no metaphysical qualities. Charming on demand, good at impression management, but selfish, duplicitous, dishonest and egocentric at heart

RockStarWife
RockStarWife
5 years ago
Reply to  Mitz

What a great concise primer on personality disorders.

nodancing
nodancing
5 years ago
Reply to  Mitz

These are absolutely true. Mine once told me flat out that he was duplicitous. On some level I thought bad people would be like Darth Vader and have strong visual cues to their nature and openly stated evil intentions. I learned that hard way that evil people come to “help”, they sleep next to you in bed and father/mother your children, they say the right things to get what they desire. They can be spotted but ONLY by those whose eyes have been opened.

TitsAndAssAndAllThat
TitsAndAssAndAllThat
5 years ago
Reply to  Mitz

Love these! Source? I want to dig deeper into some of this stuff, especially the narcissism aspect.

Nveragain
Nveragain
5 years ago

I 2nd that.

Michelle
Michelle
5 years ago
Reply to  Mitz

Thanks Mitz! This was a neatly put reminder that I will save…❤️

Newlady15
Newlady15
5 years ago

Mine pretended shame after he was caught ( he continued to cheat for almost a year) with our friend. I still reconciled.. smdh. He only stayed to use me for money and steal our retirement savings and stop working before he finally left for another AP. He never stopped lying and the abuse escalated. Absolutely no shame.

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
5 years ago

His shame peaked out every now and again during brief moments of lucidity during the first few months after DDay but every time that happened he would smother it in a blanket of denial. With her help he finally managed to imprison it in a solid wall of denial where it will never again see the light of day.

Involuntary Georgian
Involuntary Georgian
5 years ago

This question makes no sense. Why would my XW feel shame when she has done nothing wrong?

Not in the affair and the divorce, certainly, but also for years and years beforehand. A good decade ago I decided that whenever we had an argument I would apologize for whatever portion of it (no matter how minor) was my fault. Once I did so, the argument was over and life resumed. As a consequence, she only ever apologized a half dozen times over ten years. My therapist actually called me out on this, saying that I enabled her bad behavior by allowing her to dodge all personal responsibility. It’s not about me or the marriage either: her behavior extends to our kids and to her work colleagues too. I admit that sometimes I’m a bit jealous: how liberating it must be to never second-guess yourself!

We moved 1000 miles for her new job; she torpedoed our and AP’s families a few weeks after arriving. Yesterday she came to my door asking whether I’d be willing to move back to our old hometown. No admission of guilt, not even a “mistakes were made” quasi-apology. She even spun it as “I don’t want to go; I’m just proposing this for the wellbeing of you and the kids” and flat-out denied that returning to within driving distance of AP-cum-fiancé has anything to do with it. I know her: this is her equivalent of admitting that she fucked up when she uprooted and then blew up our family. It’s as close to an apology / admission of blame that I will ever get. Shame isn’t even on the table.

Now I.C.
Now I.C.
5 years ago

Last summer my fuckwit declared he had a lot of shame about OW #1 which was nine years prior to his current, brutal discard of me. I took a hit of hopium for about 5 seconds, but then I said, “You mean, you are ashamed that you didn’t just leave us back then?” His answer: “Yes.”

His shame was last seen in the Patterson-Gimlin film, striding through the forest near a California creek, looking over its hairy back at us. Rumors and hoaxes are all we have to show for it.

SouthernShine74
SouthernShine74
5 years ago

Hmmmm……..I would have to say Satan’s shame was left in that large wet spot on the bed sheets left in OW and her now ex-husband’s bed. Yeah, he worked 24 hour shifts and yeah, I tipped him off to catch them. My ex-wife’s response via text to this OW’s then husband after high tailing it outta there was (and I have it in text message still) “Thanks for the use of the bed. I will try to refrain from using it in the future. If you think those sheets are bad this morning, you should have walked in last night.” I mean, who the hell says that to a man that you have been screwing his wife all night in HIS bed in HIS house?!?! Thank you Jesus for meh! It feels pretty damn good!!

Newlady15
Newlady15
5 years ago

Wow how evil is that??? So cruel…

Traveling the World
Traveling the World
5 years ago

Her shame was rolled up in the sweaty race bib from the 5k she ran with one of the AP’s…on the morning of our anniversary. Nothing says “I’ll love you, honor you, and be faithful to you forever” like spending it with someone else.

Portia & Catlett
Portia & Catlett
5 years ago

Shame is overshadowed by entitlement. It never rears its head because entitlement blinds everything.

Spoonriver
Spoonriver
5 years ago

Portia & Catlett^^^^^Absolutely!! Entitlement trumps shame.

Kate Piper
Kate Piper
5 years ago

His shame is living on his mom’s couch 2,000 miles away, making daily phone calls to talk to the kids he fucked over about the weather. His shame is trying to get in touch with people he did sex with while married to me, but not realizing they send me his lame ass texts because they didn’t realize I was awesome when he was painting a picture of a monster. His shame is texting me about getting into an argument regarding decorum and internet dating that he had with the woman he met on the internet, cheated on me with and accidentally had a baby with. Oops. Shame? Not so much.

miss moneypenny
miss moneypenny
5 years ago

“I make mistakes”. That was the extent of him showing his shame. Funny how he often used present tense.

CC
CC
5 years ago

Mine admitted to making mistakes but still blamed those mistakes on me.

“The problem occurs when I make bad choices and deceptions to escape from the feelings/damage inflicted from your frustrations.”

HeadHigh
HeadHigh
5 years ago
Reply to  CC

CC yes THIS!

The one (back handed) apology i got after all shades of sh*t having gone down throughout our 12 year marriage, and me finally calling him out was; “Sorry that my behaviour caused you to behave in a way that made me no longer love you.”

Er. What??

What a dick. I SO wish i’d been with it enough to say Great! let me call you a cab! But i think i just stood there in shock opening and closing my mouth like a goldfish.

I now know i can Thank Myself for dodging that bullet. Eventually.

CL your writing is awesome and inspirational and so is CN. Thank you XXXX

Beth
Beth
5 years ago

When ex and I did our post DDay#2 sex addiction (no, I don’t believe it’s a real addiction) disclosure with our therapists, one of the questions I asked was “do any of our friends or your coworkers know about the affairs?” His response was “Oh no, I was too ashamed to tell anyone what I was doing.” Okay…not too ashamed to lie, steal, cheat, risk my health, etc., but too ashamed to have anyone KNOW you were doing those things? Yeah, that’s not shame you fucktard, that’s impression management.

nodancing
nodancing
5 years ago

They have shame and guilt, but it’s a hot potato they divest themselves of immediately. Depending on the situation they have different methods, or combinations of methods. There is the drink/drug my shame away, theres the blame the spouse method (most used), blame my family of origin, blame my in-laws, blame the teacher that molested me (supposedly), blame my boss, blame my poverty, blame my affluence, etc. There are important reasons for them to walk out on their family for their jesus cheater “friend” and those important reasons make them blameless. Anytime that feeling creeps back in it’s time to fling that hot potato at the nearest loved one!

Beth Van Fossen
Beth Van Fossen
5 years ago
Reply to  nodancing

That is an excellent point NMD! My ex used several of those targets of blame shifting at one time or another. And 2+ years after the divorce, I have no doubt that he’s still blaming me for making him “increasingly unhappy during the marriage.” My response to that? Meh.

champchump
champchump
5 years ago
Reply to  nodancing

Nodancing, I’m not a psychologist, but I think you’re absolutely right. I suspect since childhood, my cheater has felt deep shame and guilt simply over who he is. He gets weirdly defensively angry when criticized in any way. His cheating, compulsive seat-of-the-pants entrepreneurship, and risk-taking hobbies are all ways he uses to distract himself from who he is. Deep down inside, he is ashamed of who he is, and rightly so. His instincts for self gratification, secrecy, dishonesty, and his lack of human empathy ARE shameful.

He is smart enough to look around him and recognize right from wrong, but too flawed to have a moral compass of his own. He wants to give the impression he is an upstanding guy, but he does not have the ethical fortitude to actually walk the walk.

After our marriage blew up and I found out who he really is (and told everyone I know), he gave up all pretense of being an upstanding guy. He overtly follows his impulses now and doesn’t seem to care about being judged any more. But I know him. I know in his core he’s mad as hell he’s been exposed, and it’s all my fault. Since he won’t or can’t change his behavior, his anger is the only outward sign of the deep, deep shame he feels over who he is.

As I see it, this is their karma. They hate who they are, but can’t help themselves from being hateful. They KNOW they’re turds and the best they can do is cover themselves in sparkles.

RockStarWife
RockStarWife
5 years ago
Reply to  champchump

ChampChump,
Your last paragraph–maybe that’s why my boyfriend would say things like, ‘It’s scary being vulnerable, and I am a bad boyfriend,’ a couple weeks before shutting me out of his life forever.

LisaLisa
LisaLisa
5 years ago

Knowing him, my bet is it’s diluted down in his bong water while his smokes away his responsibilities. That or hidden away in a burner phone.

TitsAndAssAndAllThat
TitsAndAssAndAllThat
5 years ago

So… I’m still with Fuckturd until the day of escape and fury. And despite him saying it’s over with the Chief Skank, I quite know otherwise and am fairly certain he knows I know, but we pretend what he’s saying is true and it makes living in this nightmare a little more tolerable if he’s not beating up on me emotionally 24/7 (it’s just 21/7). Meanwhile, our anniversary is coming up. Skank’s wedding anniversary is within a couple of days of ours. Is Fuckturd planning a nice anniversary for us? No. He’s going to meet up with Skank. They will spend their respective anniversaries with each other instead of their own spouses. He wraps up this gift as a “necessary” business trip to her city. NM that the timing is all up to him and NM that the “business” can be done by email. It will take days in Skank’s city with lots of uninterruptible meetings, according to Fuckturd.

Shame? What is this “shame” you speak of? LMAO

Letitsnow
Letitsnow
5 years ago

Change the locks while he’s gone.

Spoonriver
Spoonriver
5 years ago

Posting a picture of his royal self along side our then 11 daughter on a couples hook up sex site(image management on a sex site?). Scroll down ..dick pick. No shame. If you get angry enough about being confronted about you behavior you don’t have to feel shame. Only one emotion at a time. Is horny an emotion?