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Apology Fails

If you’ve been chumped, either a) you received no apology, or b) you got a really lame apology. The best lame apology you got was sincere and devoid of blameshifting, but it was lame because 99.9 times out of 100 it didn’t come with an iota of recompense. The worst lame apology you got was lame because it was a thinly veiled mindfuck.

“Well we’re HAPPIER now. I know I am, and that’s what matters!”

“I’m sorry, BUT… “(Followed by PowerPoint presentation of your inadequacies that Drove Them to Cheat.)

“Mistakes were made.” (No pronouns, no responsibility!)

Think I’m making this up? Do you read the Universal Bullshit Translator? Here’s a real cheater apology I dissected awhile back on HuffPo:

Ultimately, I don’t regret what I did, though I do deeply regret the hurt I caused. As a result of the affair, and then later, our divorce, my ex gave me the best gift you can give anyone — the opportunity, finally, to find my happiness within myself.

And that’s what matters, chumps — the transgressor’s happiness.

Ultimately, I don’t regret stealing opiates from cancer patients, although I do deeply regret that someone woke up from surgery without painkillers. That must’ve been a bummer. Um… whatever. But hey, that patient gave me the best gift you can give anyone — the opportunity to get high! On hospital grade morphine. The really good shit.

Ultimately, I don’t regret robbing banks, though I do deeply regret duct-taping that bank teller to a chair, holding a gun to her head, and pistol whipping her. It was ill considered. Immature. Selfish. However, as a result of my bank robbery, that heist gave me the best gift you can give anyone — easy money!

Pro tip: If you don’t regret your actions, it’s NOT an apology! You don’t get all the spoils of your affair and get to disassociate yourself from the pain you caused. Because you’re just saying the spoils (your ephemeral “happiness”) were worth hurting someone.

Apology FAIL.

So your Fun Friday challenge, CN, is to share your lame cheater apologies. Bitch cookies to them all! TGIF!

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  • I never got any apologies from Rhys, and Mac’s apology was summed up as “I’m a fucking idiot”.

    • After 28 years of marriage, never got an apology only a ‘never meant to hurt you’. Breaking our marriage vows by cheating wouldn’t hurt???? Or was it getting caught that you didn’t want?

      • I didn’t get an apology either after 18 years of marriage. An apology may mean actually admitting guilt or acknowledging that he was having an affair, instead of it all “being in your head.” and the usual, “You’re crazy.”

        • Me neither. I got no apology and his actions since have been the complete opposite of remorse and concern – 7 years of ludicrous post-decree courts filings for which I’ve just topped $20k defending.

          His attitude is more “it is what it is”. I HATE that phrase. And him.

    • Me neither no apology at all or any acceptance of his wrong doings I just got Shmoopie shoved into my face!

      • I got the same thing Carol. And was told they were “just friends”. Then he put our 16 year old dog to sleep without telling anyone. Only after confronting him I got sorry by text. My answer to that was – you should be. POS 😡😡

        • Never got an apology, not surprised as he does nothing wrong, just ask him.
          He did tell me he never “messed around” until after he moved out.
          Why would I think he’d mess around while we were living together?
          He’s a man of integrity., again just ask him.

      • No apology, not a single tear for 17+ years down the drain, he had “feelings” for someone else. Since then no child support, no contribution to our daughter’s extraordinary expenses. He’s taking his skank and her kids to Europe this summer on what was supposed to be our family’s vacation. But money on our daughter’s school lunch account? Nope. Payment to the orthodontist? Nope. And every time I drop off or pick up our daughter, he and the skank are posed out on their front porch (he moved in same day skank’s husband moved out) so I can see their coupled happiness, their fuckwit twu wuv.

        • He moved in the day her husband moved out?? On what planet and on what crack on these people on? You can’t cheat the process of life. This is just so inappropriate and TOO QUICK (not to mention fucking ridiculous).

        • Wow Lagertha… you have just written my response. 17 plus years got nothing. He didn’t even look back over his shoulder. Left while I was at work one day. Money for his daughter for the orthodontist.. nope. Actually spending any time with his own kids… nope. But a brand new house built for the skank and her two kids, horses, holidays. It is like they wipe out everything to do with the past. I am nearly 8 years out and it still floors me sometimes. How you can go from being this intact family then your just rubbish thrown out in the trash. Even his own children mean nothing to him. It is called no integrity or empathy.

    • I got from him, “I’m sorry I should have left years ago like I wanted then this wouldn’t have happened. I really should have left before all this.”

      I was confused as to WTH he was talking about! He still says he wasn’t happy for years and years. Unbeknownst to me, his wife since he still gave me cards, presents and flowers on a regular basis. Apparently everyone else knew he wanted a divorce but me. He’s not sorry for his affair or lying to me, he’s only sorry he got caught because I require trustworthiness in a relationship.

      • Yes I received hand written love letters a month before he told our children he had not loved me for 15 years. Cheaters handbook. One child was well documented planned at age 14 at the time and he still blames me for their relationship problems lol. Kids can do the math. This is not on you at all.

    • The all-purpose vagueness of that is definitely lame. Right up there with “sorry you choose to feel that way,” and sorry “if” I offended you.

      • Think you probably mean “sorry if you felt offended”. They never use the I word. People might mistake that for accountability.

      • ^This. After apparently feeling cornered and pressured by me into forcing an apology from him (I’m such a bitch like that after all), I got a long drawn out exasperated sigh followed by a very perfunctory “I’m sorry if you feel hurt by what happened.”

        Um, what?!! “IF”??? And “YOU FEEL” – as though my feelings must be so unreasonably sensitive, because my being traumatized has nothing to do with what he did, no it’s only my reaction that’s the problem. The implication there is that other people wouldn’t make such a big a deal out of it, so I should just let it go… Not to mention that his whole description of his betrayal was summed up as an impersonal and detached account of merely “what happened.”

        And that was the entirety of his apology to me for the longest time, up until one day when he somehow realized that such a fauxpology made him look like a douche. Well his ego couldn’t allow that, so he changed over to a more sincere **sounding** apology – however it was never followed by consistent change to demonstrate that he actually was genuinely sorry.

        Sorry is as sorry does. And his sorry was pure Naugahyde.

        • He told me he was leaving over the phone. Me being the good Chump, asked why he didn’t come home to tell me so we could talk about things. At this time I Had no idea he had an AP.

          He replied, well, I know how much you like to create drama so I thought it would be better to tell you over the phone.

          I don’t create drama, if anything i’m too passive but if I had known the truth of his AP I think I”d be justified, and when I did find out I was calm and understanding. I was in a Chump coma, similar to a Stepford wife.

      • I got in order…’I forgive you, I’ll pray for you, I feel like such a slut’…what the?? These people are so disordered (and devoid of basic humanity)

        • On D-Day #1, when I brought up the issue of forgiveness (as I was a traumatized benevolent Chump), before I could say, ‘I forgive you,’ my husband, said, ‘I forgive you.’ If I hadn’t been such a doormat, I would have said, ‘Check please” and started searching for lawyers THAT DAY.’ My husband had tried to impregnate his AP, had had sex with pristitutes, sneakily dissipated our assets, etc. he’s a living, breathing bomb waiting to be detonated at anything!

          • Wait, he TRIED to impregnate his AP? While still married (I think with most it’s an accident, or due to the OW’s gaming)?

            Talk about a cheater with harem fantasies!

            • Frankly, I think they all have harem fantasies, which is why they try to tell us that we should get to know the other woman and we’d like her. Or, they say we should be happy for them. My first cheater even thought I might go along with some “Couldn’t you share me? scenario. Delusional.

      • Just found a wonderful quote
        Remorse is a disciplined memory of the moral significance of our actions
        Or
        Remorse sleeps through prosperity but awakes bitter consciousness during adversity

    • I got a “sorry for anything I may have done or said that hurt your feelings” many months after I busted him at the Asian Hooker Palace………..

      That crappy, half-ass apology wasn’t worth the paper it was written on. It did however make a great cat box liner!

      • What’s the Asian Hooker Palace? My ex used to visit those Asian massage parlors behind my back. I couldn’t figure out how to bust him.

        • It’s where men pay to have prostitutes take what you would have gladly had at home. I know because that’s where my man was for 10 years. The other 10 years he just spent on pornography and lap dances. A lot there to be proud of.. So the Asian Hooker Place is where your beloved goes to have sex with some poor girl who got sex traded into this country. Most likely against her will. Nice gentleman aren’t they? High-caliber lot we have selected!

      • Current Chump, I had fantasized about busting my X at the Happy Endings place, but never actually pulled it off. I guess I thought it would finally give me the proof or validation I was seeking… end the gaslighting.

    • I got this about 6 weeks after he called me at work to tell me he was walking away from our 15 year marriage and 12 year old son to move 10 hours away to live with his Internet girlfriend. *Schockingly* their twu wuv fizzeled after 6 short weeks of absolutely disappearing off the face of the earth. Then I get this by text—“I’m sorry I left, but I can’t help but think how things would be different if only you’d asked me to stay.” What the actual fuck??!! Just 6 short weeks prior he had laid the “I love you, but I’m not in love with you, I have to be happy, the other woman is the perfect person for me, we have everything in common” speech on me and literally walked out of our lives. I was traumatized and in complete shock. I had no idea he had been in a relationship with another woman for a year, I had no idea they had made plans to each leave their spouse in coordination with each other, I didn’t yet realize the extent to which he was a horrible person. But he suggested in his ‘apology’ that if only I’d begged him to stay, he would have just unpacked all his belongings from his truck and told his girlfriend he’d changed his mind. Right. . . He had one foot out the door before he even decided to clue me in. Dude you may have had me chumped for 15 damn years, but I had been six weeks free of your mind fuck and I was starting to see very clearly the games you’d played with me and at my expense for far too long. No way in hell I was going to let you back in my life! Best decision I’ve EVER made! He tried (without success) to get me to take him back for the next six weeks then he stopped contacting me completely. Figured he had another girlfriend and I was right. They weren’t even together for two months and were already sharing a phone plan and shacking up. I got the real prize in this mess of a situation though—custody of our son, my freedom and my life back! And I couldn’t be happier!

  • ‘I’m sorry about the hurt I caused but I don’t regret the affair’

    Duh🙄🤦‍♂️

    • I explained to the dimwit that she couldn’t have one without the other but I just got a blank look. Witless moron.

    • That’s Perel-speak. I got that too. I’ve realised he must have watched her TEDX talk as obsessively as the porn.

      After D Day we earnestly analysed and discussed both her and Brené brown’s talks (ooh yeah I was hilarious in my untangling skein phase and he LOVED the centrality). Of course he introduced me to Perel (so I could “investigate the complexity”).

      So after a while I realised he was quoting her chapter and verse. She handed him a script.

      But here are some original lines:
      Me: Do you regret anything?
      Him: I don’t regret having my family for ten years.

      (10 years of cake while hookers plus gay saunas. Not actually an affair, or even series of. Nup, hundreds of nameless strangers., then home for dinner and kids’ bedtime stories).

      Me: it seems as if you don’t have any remorse.
      Him: of COURSE I have remorse. Look at what I’ve lost!!!

      Oh sadz. He lost cake!

      • Ah, yes. Ester Perel. I wrote a blog post about what life would look like if cheaters tried to use Perel-speak in other contexts, such as in a criminal courtroom after being brought in for auto theft. Spoiler alert, someone gets a face-full of pepper spray…
        Click on my name, it’s the first of my recent posts. If I weren’t so un-meh, I’d suggest sending it to your ex. 🙂 Best to you, Mama-Meh! 🙂

        • The site seems to be there. It was a great place. 3 years on now and I think I’m pretty much in Tracy’s camp, viz leave a cheater, gain a life. I still have to deal with a certain amount of indirect fuckery from Ms Wonderful because one child is still under 18. This place constantly reminds me that she is a common or garden fuckwit of the type all over these pages.

        • Me too. Miss those awesome mods. Site seems to be back up but not the forum. Good to see the articles are still available, they really helped with seeing through the bullshit and manipulation. Thanks IHG, forever grateful.

  • Apology, ummm no. I just asked for one thru attorneys to see if it was possible for us to be on the same reality. The answer was no. Co-parenting is going to be so much fun.

    • I found that using a shared calendar removed much of the need for conversation with Mr. Sparkles. And, I only did that through elementary school. He now has to sign-up for all the school announcements etc. just like I do. Try not to engage – ask yourself if it is really worth it to your sanity before texting or communicating.

    • Ha! I hear you, Freeholder. Whilst having to live with him after the discard, my lawyer wrote a cease and desist letter to his lawyer (she wanted to send it to the OW, but I was so chumpy, I thought it a bit unkind – yep, true chump) stating that the OW was not allowed in my homes. Either primary residence, or holiday home. Too late, as had already been in both. As had the previous long term AP. And others. I just needed to know my own home could be ‘safe’ for me.

      I went away for NYE with my son and his mates. Came home to discover their fuckfest in a tent at a lake on her sister’s lawn was actually a fuckfest in my home. He denied and lied for an hour. Then I slapped him. I had proof she was in my home. His response? Pulling my legs out from beneath me, knocking me unconscious, then me waking to his hands on my throat (restraining me? Yeah, okay.) I fought back hard, and he told the OW I attacked him. Well, I did slap his face with an open palm after he smirked and lied for an hour. So, I photographed the bruising and lacerations on my upper body, solit tongue and deep cut on the back of my head, as proof, but did not report him as he was already twisting the narrative. My boss also has pictures of my injuries, and wrote diary notes in case he tried to prosecute me. She pushed me to report him. But I didn’t. I was scared his charm offensive would wirk on the cops. He’s good. Our two younger children were in the house when this happened. 21 year old son wanted to knock his father’s head off. 19 year old daughter moved out permanently the next day, asking me to come with her. Darkest moment of my life.

      I asked him to get the OW to apologise for knowingly breaching our agreement. A widow whose own husband was a serial cheater, she sent me a text. Fab. Good for you. Not for me. (Thanks Amy P.)

  • “I’m sorry I couldn’t express my needs to you in a way that you could understand”
    – (Too bad you were too stupid to understand my needs)

    “I’m sorry for my pain and for the pain I caused you”
    – (My pain is more important)

    “I’m sorry when I realized how unfulfilled the relationship was for me, I was too cowardly to approach you about it”
    – (but I wasn’t about to give up my fuck buddy so I kept my mouth shut)

    “I’m sorry for the many many things I did to contribute to the ending o our marriage”
    – (many many many things. Nameless vague things. No need to go over details. And these things “contributed” , not caused. How did YOU contribute? Think long and hard about that

    ***Asshole!***

    • Oh my god, I got a few of those–sorry he couldn’t express his needs and his unhappiness to me earlier, sorry for causing me pain. Followed by “We BOTH know this marriage has been over for a long time.” And “I hope we can still be friends.”

      Yeah right, asshole! I told him as I left that if God ever granted me the opportunity to kick him while he’s down, I sure as hell would relish it.

      • I love the line about the “marriage being over for years now.” The ex told me that too on dday which was news to me since I didn’t get that memo.

        That’s okay. I taught him how to properly end a marriage and it officially has been over for years now!

        • My STBX has brainwashed my 33 year old son so much that my son had the audacity to call me and yell at me telling me that I checked out of my marriage 10 years prior to the my husbands affair (I forgave him the first time after I caught him, then while trying to save the marriage the second time, I caught him again and found out he had been cheating with same married women the entire year we were trying to reconciliation after a 34 year marriage). So, having my son actually be the person after a year has gone by of separation and trying to keep the peace among the family, I almost fell out…. and Oh, yeah, it wasn’t dad who gave you HPV, it had to be someone else…(I’ve never been with anyone but my husband, btw!)… give me the name of your doctor so I can call her and discuss this with her! I could not believe my ears…. Not only was I infuriated by the audacity of the whole situation, but that he would have brainwashed our son so badly that he would think it would be ok to even THINK it would be ok to speak to me about this or approach me at all. WTF!!! My STBX has been acting like he can barely make it, he’s been making himself very weak to gain my grown childrens’ pity. What kind of man uses pity? Weak bastard!! But he was Mr. Buff body builder macho man when he was doing what he was doing with OMW while married… no weakness there!

          • SoDoneChump, I am so sorry. Do you have good friends or family for support?
            Right now, I think you need to be grey rock or NC with your son too. Your son has no right to speak to you like this. Hugs

            • thank you, Kiwichump. Thank God I have wonderful close girlfriends that are supporting me. My friends said the same thing you said. It’s so heartbreaking! He was always a loving son until just this past 2 months. It has devastated me.

          • Wow! You don’t deserve to be treated like that by your husband or son! I know that narcs badmouth their victims but to turn a son against his mother is looooow. And he wants to talk to your gynecologist? WHAT!? Now Ive heard it all.

            • Thank you. I can’t tell you how much better I feel to hear the feedback from you both…. because I swear I thought I was losing my mind..the guilt I have felt has been incredible and I didn’t do anything to end our marriage. Not to mention, I left him the house, everything, walked away with minimal things to get away and start again. I was devastated, and now this. I honestly feel like getting on a plane and never coming back. Where I can’t be found. I tried to be friendly for the sake of the kids, forgave him, stayed on talking terms. Even delayed the divorce to allow him a year to have benefits (I’m the benefits holder) to have two medical procedures. what the hell else can I provide for this damn man? This liar! Ugh!

              • Hang in there, SoDone. Every hurtful thing he does to you is because he hates himself. Deep down he knows he is foul and that these actions are unforgivable. And he hates himself.

                It sucks that your son is buying his garbage right now. Time will likely show him how duped he is. I think eventually, all turds show their true colors.

                You are beautiful, and you are not to blame for this mess. It will get better. I truly believe that.

              • Same story here. Son falls for his father’s pity ploys and he rants at ME. I am sick of it. It’s a continuation of the abuse.

            • 1. If you are in the US, a doctor cannot speak to your son about any condition you have anyway, it’s a HIPPA violation.

              2. It really seems your son doesn’t want to think his dad is a total piece of shit that could abuse his mom, so this must be the fault of “both sides.” Your son is an adult, your ex can’t brainwash him. Your ex can lie to him, but your son isn’t a child, he’s an adult man.

              3. Do not speak to your son about his father or the divorce (if you decide to stay in contact). If your son breaks this rule and slips in his father, excuse yourself and get off the phone/end the visit etc.

              Your “flaws”in the marriage are not equivalent to cheating, your ex picked his consequences, do not let anyone tell you different, not even your son.

          • So sorry to hear what he has done with you son. Time heals these kind of lies. Your ex is obviously off kilter and eventually your son will see this and rethink this false scenario. Meanwhile keep strong. —Take care.

          • SoDoneChump,
            My 19 yr old son blames me for “breaking up the family” too!! His father’s words, not his. My ex said he was not planning on leaving me! Yeah right, he screwed around my whole marriage so I found out! I’ve been legally separated for 3 yrs and I went on a date. My son, who lives with me by choice, got pissed and said “dad isn’t dating anyone”. I said really?!? He dated our whole marriage and I didn’t know so how would you know what your dad is doing. Plus, it doesn’t matter anymore because we’re no longer married. I know I shouldn’t have shared that with my son but I can’t believe how his dad has brainwashed him into thinking his cheating wouldn’t end our marriage!! WTF?!?

            • Yes, it almost hurts worse than the the infidelity when our kids see us as the perpetrators of the family demise. Very painful.

          • Yep! Mine used that line on me and continues to do so to this day. 🤦‍♀️
            “We didn’t get along” was his excuse for leaving me after two months of marriage and my having to hire a PI to figure out why none of it made sense…. DD#1, PI found him in hotel for 12 hours!

        • Ughh. Mine did the “over for a long time” thing also. I was living in La La land evidently.

        • F…er told my lawyer in court that our marriage was over 14 years ago and that he and I discussed it. That we were only sleeping and eating dinner together.
          Right asshole, I was parenting our 4 kids alone and had no spouse for 14 years.
          Loved your line and will borrow it forever….I taught him how to end it right.

    • Thank you for cutting through the fauxpologies to the real sentiments being expressed. I needed that. As I was thinking about how mine transitioned over from an obviously douchey “apology” to some word salad that sure sounded to my eager chumpy ears like authentic remorse, I read your comment and realized, ‘nope those were actually just as douchey as the original.’ I had already determined on some level that they really weren’t sincere by his lack of consistent actions and follow through on his promises to change. Yet I was still holding on to my warm fuzzies of thinking about how at least he’d given me the pathetic kibble of some kind-sounding alternatives. But now I see what he really meant.

    • Omg struggling, I heard the exact same bullshit.

      If X’s comments to me were run through the UBT the result would always boil down to: “me me me me…. no one else matters…. and _______ is all your fault and you deserved it….”

  • I got “I’m sorry about the (burner) phone. But I needed somebody to talk to.” Whatever dipshit. When my son found the phone – he wasn’t “TALKING” to these women…..

  • I’m in the no apology camp. “I won’t talk about the accusations you are making”. I had emails, photos and the special STI.

    • Same, never anything close to sorry. When I asked do you think you have any responsibility , he replied “Maybe a piece”. Imagine someone showing you with their fingers how much I tenth of a millimeter is.

      • No apology here either. Nor did he beat me up (on a regular basis) – he did and I have the doctor’s reports and domestic violence convictions on him to prove it. Apparently I also used to attack him – must have been with I hit his fist with my head then, or his boot with my ribs!

        • My ex-husband, much larger and stronger than I, told the Court that I cornered him in our bedroom and attempted to rape him. Interesting. considering that I was, on a nightly basis, barricading kids and me in kids’ bedroom and spending the night att a safe house.

          • Same deal here. Getting the crap beat out of you and then being accused of being abusive is Oscar Worthy projection.
            I’ll add that he was awful sorry about what he did to his Pookie, and then gave me a lecture about all of the things I needed to do to fix the marriage.
            Detoxing from that poison took along time but I think I’ve finally gotten it all out of my system.

      • Pile of dogshit ex: I’m thinking about what I did to contribute to the end of our marriage
        Me: what’s that?
        Podx: none of your business

        And I still wanted to work with that. Ugh. So stupid.

    • I never got an apology, either. It was all about him, his needs, his wants. Much like it was during our marriage, actually.

      The closest he ever came to an apology was, “You were the best wife you could have been.” Whatever that means. Asshole.

    • Oh yes, I got
      “The insinuations of my misdeeds do nothing to foster some kind of mutual truce because a lot has been said”

      The insinuations of your misdeeds?? So that baby you had 2 months after our divorce was final just insinuated that you cheated?

    • OMG, I remember hearing that too, about the accusations. For YEARS he told everyone I cheated, kicked him out and his OWhore was nice enough to give him a place to live. During his emotional trauma, she helped him & they ended up falling in love. He finally just fessed up to my boys that he “fell in love with [skank] while he was still married to me” and he’s “not proud of that”. WOW. Just wow. My boys are not stupid, they have known this since day one (because on DDay he told them pretty much everything before he decided to rewrite that narrative and try to save face. This was 5 years ago mind you! My boys have only gotten smarter as the years go by, but apparently fuckwit thinks they are getting dumber as they age.) SMH.

    • I got no apologies.

      But I did get the every popular “Can’t you forgive and forget?” **and** the special STI.

      Fucker.

      • I was suppose to demonstrate an example of God’s grace. (Continue being a chump)

        When I asked X what was in it for me, he gave me the ever common blank stare & was speechless.

        • Yes I asked the same. He had never even considered what was in it for me as it’s not relevant to HIM. Not on his radar.
          We are just extensions of the narcs ego.

    • No apologies to me, but to the kids and his friends there was the explanation that we were getting an “amicable” divorce because there was “a lot of unhappiness.” (Well, what could he say? “I fuck clients and I’m a felony tax evader?”) Oh, and of course that I had just hit him with divorce papers “out of the blue.” (That part was true, as far as he was concerned, but it was after a month of legal advice / lining up ducks after last D-day).
      In the months following this, while I continued to monitor him and document his hiding of cash with primary AP, I found an email responding to a different out-of-closet married polyamorous fuckbuddy (she had actually emailed him with condolences about the divorce!) saying that he was “sad”, but “relieved” about it.
      But though he’s not sorry, my particular asshat (and believe me I saw a lot of his email, at first) at least never tried to blame ME about the divorce — he’s probably too ticked pink to be rid of my boring monogamous self. Not being blamed is probably the closest ANYBODY ever gets to an apology from him, so I’ll take it!

  • Does “I don’t know what you’re talking about” in response to “why did you do this” count as an apology?
    🤔

  • “I didn’t want you to find out because I knew it would hurt you. I never meant to hurt you.”

    “It wasn’t about you.” / “It didn’t have anything to do with you.”

    “I know you’re hurting, but I’m hurting too, and you don’t seem to care.”

    “I said I was sorry. Why can’t you just accept me for who I am?”

    Answer to all of these and all of the other lame apologies:

    You lied, more than once, and the lying doesn’t bother you, only the getting caught bothers you. You aren’t trustworthy. You don’t care how your choices impact me. You are openly willing to do things that cause me harm. None of those things is ok with me. Therefore, you aren’t invited into my life anymore. Bye.

    • I got:

      “I am a man who walked away from a long dead marriage. Yes, I chose a bad way to do it. Yes, I caused more pain than necessary. But it was the right thing to do. I am an honorable man who made mistakes.”

      UBTed: “The affair? It was magical. We explored undiscovered corners of our soulzzzzz! We laughed! We cried! We had amaaaaaaazing sex!” (But lest I look completely inhuman, I will throw you a few little kibbles of faux remorse.) “Yes, the little people were hurt. That was regrettable. But you now understands our paramount need for happiness! When the goal is happiness (who can fault happiness?), you’ve got to break a few eggs to make a happy omelet!!!”

      I re-framed this outside of the affair and got:

      “I don’t regret defrauding investors. We were honorable and just mistakenly committed fraud (You should see my yacht!) I regret that they feel hurt.”

      “I’m not sorry I molested choir boys. I was honorable and just mistakenly fucked them in the ass! I feel so bad (that I’m under indictment).”

      “I love money, so I mugged that old lady. I was honorable and just mistakenly hit her and took her purse (I bought this awesome bike!) I regret she feels pistol-whipped.”

    • I definitely also got the “I didn’t tell you because I knew it would hurt you.”

      After we got home from a therapy session one time, I said “I’m really not sure if you’re sorry you did it or sorry that you got caught.” “….I don’t know….”

      The number of times I should have already walked out the door, yet I’m still trying to extricate myself from this shit show.

      He will never actually be sorry for the lying and cheating, only for the loss of cake.

      • Same here. He’s not sorry, except for losing cake. I got it too: “I didn’t tell you because it would hurt you.” I also got this: “The affair gave us 8 more years of marriage, so you should be happy that I had the affair! ” (Talk about mindfucks)

        Also said, “I am sorry for hurting you, but Im not sorry for the the affairs because I met two such wonderful women that I love so much.”

        And today: “Sorry for taking so long to figure out what I wanted” (He has chosen to be with his hoho that he met on Craig’s list when he put out an invitation for a one night stand and she responsed—because that’s her thing and then they fell so madly in love —over bondage classes and sex clubs). True fulfillment, don’t you know!?

        He also wrote just today: “I still miss you and our life so much.” But yeah, he was writing that from his mistress’s apartment.

        So I’m with you SpackleKing! Ten years of two long term affairs— one on the East coast, one on the West. The number of times I should have walked is ridiculous… But
        I didn’t know about any of it til a year ago Feb and then got sucked into the pick me dance. But done now. Done done done.

          • This is so awesome thanks for sharing. While I am pretty normal for my age, I have had body issues after my now x told me I was disgusting. Oh, and for the thread the apology I got was he was sorry he was too scared of me to communicate how unhappy he was. This from a 6’5’’ blackbelt who cornered and towered and scared me horribly after I discovered the cheating and went Almost NC

    • “I didn’t want you to find out because I knew it would hurt you. I never meant to hurt you.”

      Translation – I didn’t want you to find out because then you would leave and it would hurt me. I did something I knew would really hurt you, but that doesn’t mean I intended to hurt you. I’m a good person who mysteriously does things that hurt people. Feel sorry for me. Hug me.

      “It wasn’t about you.” / “It didn’t have anything to do with you.”

      Translation: It was about me and how much fun I was having. Also it was about my genitals.

      “I know you’re hurting, but I’m hurting too, and you don’t seem to care.”

      Translation – this is all about me. I know you’re hurting, but I don’t care enough to do anything to make you feel better.I don’t even care enough to shut up about my feelings for a minute.

      “I said I was sorry. Why can’t you just accept me for who I am?”

      I want to keep cheating. Can we pretend you never found out about it? Consequences suck.

      • Ugh so true!! Every time he runs into me (since we are in a small town) he states one of those phrases and I need to remember your translations to replay in my mind immediatly afterwards. Mahalo!

      • Loved this. Especially the first one—!

        Do they all say this!? Geez. “Here! Let me run you over with a truck. Oh, whoops! Did that hurt? Oh come on. You can handle it. Why are you so upset? Why can’t you be happy that I’m finally fulfilled and have found true sexual freedom? No? Hmmm. That’s your problem, not mine. Well… go to therapy. That will help.”

  • I never got an apology from the asshole.

    I was ghosted and when I tried to find out why, I was told ~ ‘See that’s what is wrong with you – you want to dissect everything and rub my nose in my mistakes’ …. Um no, asshole ~ just trying to find out what happened to the man who promised before God to love, honor and cherish me until death do us part….

    I finally had to realize an apology would never come and to expect one was lunacy.

    • When I tried to get answers I got this:

      “I do not like being made an incompetent, fool. I do not trust that given the full disclosures you are insisting upon that you will do anything but use that information against me in some negative way. I don’t like living like this…it’s getting harder.”

      Owning up to your bad behavior is hard. Running away and starting with a clean slate is SO much easier.

      • I got “So many mistakes were made that it better to start over with someone else than fix them” also “I couldn’t tell you all the things that were wrong with you because it would hurt your feelings”—so couples sex, hotel rooms with whores wouldn’t hurt me? He also said that I was incapable of self reflection. I told my therapist and she laughed…how do you self reflect on your behavior if all you have to work with were lies. I’ve self reflected my ass off (AKA spackled). That worm got away with familial murder. At least he is fat and unattractive now.

        Fucker…I’m tired today…tired of trying not to give him mental real-estate.

      • ^^^all of this

        When I confronted X about the lies he was telling others about me, he demanded that I stop “mocking” him.

        • Mine accused me of “taunting” him. No apology here, either. “There are some things I will never discuss with you and this is one of them.” He did, however, call my mother and apologized to her. Image management, much?

          • Yes, that’s what it is.

            People in the medical world are told that they are to be polite & can apologize for something, however, they are never to admit fault or responsibility for their errors or breaking their oath. After they apology, they smile, wash their hands, walk out the door, pick up a clean slate & move on to the new trusting patient waiting behind door #2.

            “I’m sorry you’re upset. You’ll need to get on some pain meds. and make an appointment with our mental health professional so you can learn to deal with your regrets and live with your problem/disability.”

      • That last sentence says it all. Ex knew he had hurt me many times and staying with me would require him to face his shame. Running off with her means he has a clean slate and an opportunity to not make the same mistakes. It pisses me off, however, because she isn’t worthy of that. I hope he isn’t able to fix himself for her although I would feel differently if he found a new girlfriend who wasn’t a selfish self-centered home wrecking slut.

        • Mine seems to be making the changes I asked for so many times with his new girlfriend/baby mama.

          I am unsure if I want him to make the changes for her or not. She got involved with him 4 months after he left me, during cancer. She was told I bullied, belittled and controlled him. I know she was lied to, yet she chose to get and stay in a relationship with a man who is capable of cheating and leaving a sick spouse to fend for herself. She also participated in keeping the pregnancy a secret for months. She insists to me that she does not have loose morals, but her actions suggest otherwise or if not loose morals, desperate to have a child and overlook huge red flags.

          Now while I say the X seems to be making changes, I mean he seems to be more involved with her than me and talk opening about issues. But he still reacts to me the same toxic ways he did in our marriage and I have caught him in many lies. So it will be interesting to see if the changes with her stick. Just this week, I removed myself from contact with him because I feel he is using conflict with me to fuel their relationship and distract from any of his shortcomings.

        • Don’t worry, ChumpInRecovery, he will make the EXACT same ‘mistakes’ with her, and/or with whoever comes after her. Because they’re NOT mistakes! They are CHOICES, and cheaters make those choices because they LIKE it.

          And I truly believe that most of these repeat and serial cheaters experience NO SHAME. They don’t like consequences, and they don’t like that they are no longer amazing in our eyes. That’s what they’re trying to avoid when they leave.

      • Translation – I do not being made to look an incompetent fool. If you find out the truth, you will know I am an incompetent fool and worse. Better to go hide somewhere.

      • Oh geez, Yep, just reminded me he would yell at me and say “stop talking to me like I’m a child!” This, when I would demand answers, or help of any kind, or…..
        To which I’d say, “I’m not; tell me how I am talking to you like a child and I’ll work on it.” He never could give me a description or example. It was just his way of gaslighting me off whatever subject he did not want to be asked or held accountable for!

  • The only vague apology I received was “I wasn’t a very good husband to you” talk about understatement, after multiple affairs, the last one resulting in the pregnancy of his howorker.
    One other line he used was “I just want to behave like a gentleman” – in the middle of a bitter divorce from me his wife of 20 years and an abandoned pregnant mistress. I am not sure any of his behaviour qualifies him to lay any claim to the title of ‘gentleman’ – scumbag yes, gentleman….err let me think…. that would be a ‘no’.

  • I got this the other day. Can anyone decode this / why cheating on your wife is equally as important as how other people were affected?

    “ I hurt a lot of people, I lied to people I care out and I deceived people; you, [the affair partner], my parents, your family. I regret it all deeply – I never set out to hurt anyone, but I am entirely conscious of the ways in which my behaviour and the way and I handled things caused such grief to people who were not deserving of it. For that, I will always be sorry and live with the consequences.”

    • Also, is it not a bit off that he put me RIGHT NEXT TO the affair partner’s name? Especially given the affair partner knew he was married, knew there was a newborn baby & a toddler, had a boyfriend of her own, who she cheated on?

      So whatever minor lies he told to her are on a par with cheating on his wife- and only weeks after I’d given birth?

      Please, anyone any insight?

      • They’re just delusional. I got the, “I lied to her, too!” deal, as well.

        Sigh. And he was concerned that she was “showing signs of stress.” SMH.

        Yeah. I guess flitting about on dates with him while my life and family were getting nuked was stressful. For her.

        Snort.

      • I think he is listing his consequences like you would list what you need to buy at the store. His point is that everyone should feel sorry for him for having consequences. Because he shouldn’t have to look so bad to everyone, and that makes him feel sorry for himself and try to gain everyone’s sympathy.

        That’s how I read it, anyway.

        It’s the self-pity in the narcissistic/cluster B charm/rage/self-pity cycle.

        • Yes, he’s ticking off all the potential angry objects in one quick sentence. This is the type of apology that suggests he’s chosen the strategy of “Hold your nose, say a handful of things, and the payoff is you’ll have erected a righteousness barrier between yourself and accountability”. Some cheaters are too impulsive for this and go for self-righteousness right away. Others are too dim-witted to know that there’s a righteousness gain to be had for holding their nose briefly enough to sound generally accountable, so they let their inner snark show right from the start of the “apology”. This guy is both able to manage his churning infantile impulse and clearly aware of the potential payoff. So he’s more toward the antisocial end of cluster B.

          I like how he focuses on “ways” rather than “whats”. “The way I handled things”. As though the underlying “handling” (of “things” btw, not human beings, rights, lives, etc) was valid, just not the “way” he did so. As though it’s simply an error in the execution, not the corrupt foundation itself (I am god, all others must meet my wants, but it might have momentarily looked better within their small experience of my existence had I achieved all this using less discoverable deception).

          I also like the claim to benign intent. I never meant to hurt anyone, I just meant to intentionally betray and destroy and mock all meaning in their lives. It wasn’t my goal that this should hurt them. Rather it was my goal that they should never realize my theft of their lives. Therefore I’m not evil. I’m good. Because hurt was not the goal of all of my evil. My selfish wants were the goal of my evil. I was merely willing to cause their hurt by my evil, but not actually pursuing it. See? Plus I mentioned that I “care about” these people. Put this altogether and I’m really pretty good.

          I like the “deserving” line too. None of you deserved this. How gracious of him. (I’m sure he thought that to himself too as he wrote this line.) As if his immorality may have been justified had you “deserved” it, but he’s big enough to award you with not deserving it, god that he is. Congratulations, you qualify for not deserving. As if this is even in question and it’s a turd’s place to determine it.

          And yes, to skip over the myriad ways and depths of his harm, distinguishing you as unique from a skank OW by nothing more than a comma, reveals everything about this piece of shit. It is in the upper echelon of cunning “apologies” and yet it is still so totally transparent. These idiots have no capacity or skill for dealing in human reality, only the capacity for appearing to do so. When no longer aided by our projections of normal human motivations and decency upon their act, they become easy to see for the pathetically empty counterfeits they are.

      • Yes, they are all lumped together in his mind; “people who may no longer be good kibble providers.”
        OTCT, this is a reflection on his narc thinking, not on your worth or anything else about you. Of course your name and the AP should not be spoken together as if those stupid pronoun-less sentences (mistakes were made) apply to you equally.

        Good grief he sucks.

        • Thank you, all you wonderful people you. I really just needed to rant that at some people who would understand. Much love x

        • I got:
          “I’m sorry you had to live through
          Lies, deceptions and betrayal.”

          Never a pronoun for who put me through all that.

      • Sorry if it’s too obvious, but his mind is a chaotic storm of emotions. He cannot clearly see or understand what’s right or wrong. He’s had a moral breakdown.

      • I received exactly the same “apology”. I also got the same “apology” the first time he was busted. Cheaters are losers, their words aren’t worth a damn and they aren’t worth grieving for. Grieve for the loss of your marriage, your dreams, for being naive and for your broken heart but never for scumbags and scoundrels. That’s where I draw the line.

        • This I am trying to do. I miss so much my partner. Not the man who turned himself inside out and displayed pure anger because he’deserved his happiness’. To hell with the wife and five young children. When I meet someone else I will realise’what happiness is’. Pity I didn’t get to write my life story as he dictated

      • Yes they think the APs are victims every bit as much as the spouse and that one pissed me off too. Apparently Schmoopie 2.0 cried when he told her they had to put their affair on hold while he tried to reconcile with me and I was supposed to feel sorry for her for that because she got hurt. The notion that he considered her well being more important than mine (or that of the kids) really burns. Even Schmoopie 1.0 was “another good person that I hurt”. Boo fucking hoo. They all knew he was married with kids.

        • Mine said they Schmoopie was a really good person that *I* hurt! By existing. Can you imagine the gall?

    • The “I’m sorry and I will always live with the consequences,” is a non-apology.

      They view themselves as the victim & are brushing off what they’ve done to others.(There, I said I’m sorry. Now, leave me alone!)

    • Maybe the other people are important to him for maintaining his image?

      You probably know too much to think well of him, but he might be able to convince them to forgive him. Plus, he doesn’t really have to do anything to make it up to them. He owes you a divorce with a favorable settlement, etc.

  • OMGosh… I have been dying to tell someone this – BECAUSE you CAN NOT MAKE THIS SHIT UP…..

    “I thought you would take me back again”

    Translation:
    “I thought I could do what ever I wanted – even though I promised you, our kids, our daughter on her wedding day at the father/daughter dance (when I held her close and said I would never her mom again), your parents and our best friends that I would never hurt you again. I just thought you would love me that much that you would look passed all this and we could still grow old together like we promised each other. I thought you were so weak and in love with me that you would die without me.”

    Guess who is stuck with a cheat? the cheat. guess who is dating (after 4 years of mind fuck-up-ness), the chump. Guess who is starting to feel good in her skin? ME baby, I call the shots in my life now. ALL OF THE SHOTS, I choose what color for the bedroom, I choose what to do on a Friday night, I choose who to sleep with (or not), what to plant in the yard. Married for close to 26 years and I have never been single but now I am. Thanks Mr. Ding Dong.

    This is the part where I didn’t choose this life but I am choosing to make lemonade otherwise the lemons are going to rot on the vine and be of no use to anyone.

    Not yet to meh, but getting there, CN thank you so much for this website and community.

    Hugs to everyone going through this, your Tuesday is coming.

    Lemon squeezer. =)

    • I got the same.

      Ex narcopath: “I just figured one day you and I would each get out shit together and get back together….”

      This after 5 Ddays and betrayals, lies and disrespect.

      They are delusional.

  • No apology but just yesterday, Bozo did tell me…’if you had only been a good and loving wife’. Thats as close to an apology I’ll ever get!

    • I got that too.

      “I wanted a wife who knew how to show love and how to accept love. After years of trying, i now know that you are incapable of that.”

      • Oh, my. The ultimate blameshift–“I didn’t cheat because you _folded laundry wrongly__paid too much attention to the children___(fill in the blank)__but rather because YOU do not have the capacity to love, whereas I, the great Don Juan, have the capacity to love multiple women at the same time.”

        SMH

        • Ex narcopath to me: “I can’t help but love women.”

          Me: “Too bad none of them love you back.”

          (He has been dumped by EVERY person he has dated and none remain friends with him.)

        • 😂 lol right…. blameshifting at it’s finest…. it was puzzling to me many times “ you don’t love me, you are not kind enough, you were never open with me”——- all the projections while mr. amazing was fucking around, giving me shark eyes and cold comments, preserving all the charm and sweetness to his paid ho’s, coworkers, women he dated( while married)

          Funny part? I’m a fun loving, kind, human being .

    • You should tell him: “If only your dick could stop falling into sewer trap vaginas…”

  • Mr. Sparkles gave me this standard one (it should be on a t-shirt for these fuckwits): “I’m sorry for the pain I caused you and the kids.”

    BUT… a real cake topper for me after he moved out to be with the OW came from his first wife. We had always had a contentious relationship in which I chose to not engage as much as possible. I always tried to respect her role as the kids mom (even after they each subsequently came to live with us.). I bought school clothes, paid for class trips, even help pay for them to go to Disney (Yes, I know, I know, I’m a chump.) SO… imagine my surprise when she tells my stepdaughter to ask me to call her… she has something to tell me. She CONFESSES that she and my husband continued fucking each other over the course of the first six or so years of my marriage (pretty much whenever she came upstate to see the kids or he went down there for graduations, etc.) YUP… one of his many OW was his first wife.

    Her apology went like this: “I hated you so I was getting back at you by fucking him. I’m sorry. Now I see how much you have done for my kids and how Mr. Sparkles cheats on everyone. Just so you know, I did stop fucking him about three years ago.”

    My response: “Well, I know Mr. Sparkles is a whore. Guess you’re going to have to decide for yourself what you are because you weren’t the only person he was fucking throughout my marriage.”

    UGH. SO glad to be away from that Jerry Springer show.

    • No words … except let that be fair warning to us both! I knew mine cheated on his first wife before I married him! Chump in the making blinded by sparkles

      • I found out my fuckwit had cheated on his first wife 2 years after we were married, as unbelievably I learned it from…her!
        I cried so hard and backed away from him, as he made excuse after excuse, why his first wife didn’t meet his needs
        12 years later, I backed away from him when he did it to our relationship too
        Backed away and did my own divorce, prose
        Put it in front of him and said sign it fucker, and he did
        He then spent the next year trying to Hoover me, date me
        Ugh, go, just go, and while you are at it
        FO

  • “You will never forgive me!” So no need to appologize?

    “I’ve appologized many times!” Never. Once.

    “Our marriage has been over for years!” So,…back to no need.

    “I never tried to hide it from you!” After I caught him, he denied, I pressed with *some* evedence. So, it wasn’t wrong AND I MEANT TO HURT YOU?!!!

    He SUCKS!!!

    • I got that same weird one about how he had apologized so much.

      I said, “name one time.”

      He was baffled. Actually baffled. Then he asked me “I’ve never apologized? Are you sure?”

      “Yeah. Not once. In fact all you’ve done is be really defensive and and me.”

      “Oh. Well. I am sorry.”

  • I got : “I wont apologize for falling in love”

    much later, in wreckonciliation:

    ” I shouldnt have done this to the mother of my children ”
    Is there enough distance in this statement to keep him safe from all accountability?

  • An apology that will never come…no point to wait for it! What is the cheater going to apologize for? The cheater made a conscious decision committing adultery equals disrespecting your life and everything you had together.
    You will grief but eventually you will be in a better place within yourself with honor and respect on your own!

  • It was a non-apology followed by a blameshift.

    “I never intended for you to get hurt” and “if that psychotic bitch hadn’t blown it up on social media you never would have had to find out”.

  • “I’m sorry to have hurt but you know it’s not all my fault. She texted me TWO times”

    What did I ever see in him..

  • Early on, I got an “I’m sorry” with a very intense look (so I would know that he was serious).

    Also, “at least I never lied to you.”
    What about the “business trip next week?” (That was actually a motel an hour away)
    “I meant I never lied after you found out.”
    Gee, thanks. Because I saw freaking everything on your phone.

    2.5 years later, right before DD went to college, he apologized to her “for my role in what happened between your mother and me”. Umm…I think that was mostly a soliloquy, buddy. She saw through the non-apology, to say the least.

    • My youngest daughter (17) recently got back in touch with her cheater father after 3+ years of NC. She has suffered daunting psychological issues ever since then. All Hannibal Lecher said, was “I’m sorry for the divorce.” Not for being a serial cheater, not for behavior that puts him at risk during the #MeToo movement, not for emotional abuse throughout the years…just for the divorce.

      That makes only one of us sorry for the divorce, because it was one of the best decisions I’ve made in my adult life.

  • I challenged ex on calling me a c*** in messages to OW that I found. He didn’t actually apologise, just said I was overreacting because it doesn’t mean the same ‘down there’ – where he had been working away/living a secret cohabiting life. Told me to look for Mickey Flanagan videos on YouTube to see how it’s used much more casually, so I really shouldn’t be upset about it.

    When I brought it up again a few weeks later, and that he hadn’t actually apologised for it, he said he’d said sorry about everything else enough times, so that should cover it and he shouldn’t have to say it again.

    • Chumplaura wow. The ow can be certain she will be called a c**t too.
      But you know, its all just part of the regional slang. In hell. What a spectacular c**t he is.

  • It was all, “sorry, but . . .” up in here.

    Sorry but:

    —I didn’t know how to stop.
    —You should have stopped me.
    —I never really loved you.
    —You never really loved me.
    —Everybody gets divorced so nbd.
    —You are so judgmental that it was impossible to be honest.
    —Look what happened when you finally knew the truth! You kicked me out!! Sniffle!!!
    —You did lots of things worse than this. Lots! So I had no other choice.
    —You were not a good companion.
    —You are unforgiving.
    —I did try. I distinctly remember trying. For awhile. A long time ago. And you were not sufficiently grateful that I didn’t cheat. That one time. Way back then.
    —Yeah, I cheated when you were pregnant, but I mean everyone has babies, so bfd.
    —You should have magically known things and fixed them all even though I was a scary, abusive liar.
    —You would not even go with me to all of those things that I never told you about, didn’t invite you to, and brought the schmoops to instead. How was I to cope with that level of anti-social withdrawal?
    —You spent money on things. For our home. And our kids. MY MONEY. Bitch.
    —You just do not share my deep and abiding connection to family. You’re too busy being the only present parent ever to grasp TRUE family.
    —Yeah, you stuck with me through DUI and sexual harassment charges, but I just did not feel really appreciated and loved, and you are awfully judge-y about those little things.
    —Badically, sorry you suck too much to worship me, sorry I got caught, and please be a doll and just smooth things over with the kids for me, okay? ‘Cause that’s what a decent person would do.

    Heh.

    Fuck all that.

  • My ex wrote this letter to me after we went to mediation. He actually says he isn’t apologizing… at least he’s sort of honest.

    Dear Coolinmn,
    I went to confession yesterday. I spent 2 hours with Father – told him everything honestly. As part of my reconciliation, I’ve been asked to write you a letter of apology.

    I’m not apologizing for thinking all the words I have for you. I’m also not apologizing for telling you exactly what I think of you. Christ teaches us we are to combat evil in the world.

    I am apologizing for screaming at you in the parking garage (after mediation). I’m sorry I lost control. No one should have to listen to that. I’m sorry.

    Losing my family has been the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to deal with in my life. I will always hate you for doing that.

    Christ also compels us to forgive. I don’t know how I’ll ever forgive you for what you did. Father tells me a hand written letter is a good start. I agree. I have to learn to forgive not for me, but for myself. I have to learn to forgive so you can’t continue to take my family
    away from me.

    Despite what you think, one day each child will marry. I will need to be in the same room with you for the sake of the kids. I will always hate you for what you did. I will never understand why you did this, but I will one day, forgive you for this. I will also refrain from calling you names as this demeans me. I’m sorry for screaming and calling you names.

    The Troglodyte

    • Wow. Somehow, I expect that is not at all what the good father had in mind.

      Note for next time: saying “I will always hate you” multiple times counts as a total fail in the apology genre.

    • “I’m also not apologizing for telling you exactly what I think of you. Christ teaches us we are to combat evil in the world.”

      Whoa! DARVO much? Jesus cheaters are the WORST.

      Yeah, the priest made me write this. You suck. But you know, Jesus said I have to tell you how much you suck, combatting evil and all.

      He’s a scary troglodyte. Watch your back.

      • Well, I did write our priest…
        It just went downhill from there.

        Dear Fr,

        I am enclosing a letter I received from my soon-to-be ex-husband Troglodyte. I’m thinking you suggested that he write a letter to me as part of his participating in the Sacrament of Reconciliation. To say he missed the point is an understatement. To receive this letter from a man who dishonored our wedding vows through infidelity was humiliating enough, but to add insult to injury I have now received his forgiveness. Hmmm

        I’d be glad to speak to you about any of our many issues, but I know that isn’t the point here. I guess what I’m asking you is that if it is your idea to write a letter to someone asking for forgiveness, that they send it to you. I have tried to remain above this kind of written communication, as I have received too many filthy, foul texts/emails that have had to be forwarded to my attorney for cease and desist messages to him. I really am unhappy to receive this as well. “

        Here was Father’s response.
        “Coolinmn, I can’t share what is said in Confession, but trust that I often tell people to write a letter to whomever . . .then burn it. Not it send it.
        Obviously, those instructions were not followed in this case.
        f.”

        (I don’t attend that church anymore.)

        • Sounds like there was more than one person in that confessional lacking in empathy, compassion, or basic common sense.

        • Coolinmn, this shows the depths of his depravity. To treat the sacrament of confession in this way, to knowingly make an insincere confession without the required remorse and repentance, and then use that act to inflict further harm on another innocent person is to have engaged in several grave and mortal sins. This does not concern him because this beast thinks that he is God. But, he is wrong. As a believer you can take some comfort that God’s UBT is operating fine and your cheater’s final judgement and punishment will reflect his continued evil.

    • Excuse me … just to confirm .,. You need to be forgiven for not overlooking his cheating and letting him keep cake??

      The guy is insane.

      • That was my impression too. “I will never forgive you for what you did to me.” You mean like holding you accountable?

    • “I have to learn to forgive not for me, but for myself.”

      He doesn’t specify “I” — so of the “Me, Myself and I” triumvirate, only “Myself” gets the benefit of forgiveness. “Me” and “I” get no such consideration.

      On behalf of me, myself, and I, this guy is a mental termite.

    • Ah the majic of confession (I was raised a Catholic and attended Catholic school, so my apologies to any other Catholics out there) It’s that thing that fixes everything. Not only did mine tell everything to our local priest but he also went on 2 pilgrimages.

      • I was raised a Catholic and somehow the teachings I received were interpreted as don’t cause others harm and feel remorseful for hurting others. SMDH
        My X converted to Catholicism in his 20’s and was constantly telling/teaching me about what being a good Catholic was. Like he was so much better at it than me.
        Somehow, he didn’t think to much that he lived with a woman for 14 years and never married her– and future faked her until she didn’t expect anything– was part of being a good Catholic.

    • You broke the family! Not his cheating lies and abusive behavior, but YOUR actions 🤮
      I got something similar at some point
      “ why are you bringing the stress and causing the harm to our family? I trusted you when you told me, that past is the past, but now I know you were not honest. You are destroying our family”

      That was after I came across another evidence left on his laptop, not the first time, and yet somehow, his actions were not breaking family…. my questions were

    • OMG! This wins the Non-Apology Trophy! That is so aggressive! What a world-class asshole!

      I’m so sorry you had to receive that, Coolinmn.

  • First apology, articulated very slowly, with pauses between words and phrases, as he tried to construct the most amazing mindfuck of a sentence he could:

    I’m really, really sorry. . . that you feel like. . . my family and I. . . didn’t treat you. . . as well as we could have. . . at times.

    Second, award-winning apology:

    Him: I’m sorry I lied to you, but EVERYBODY lies! all the time!! YOU lie too!!

    Me: Okay, I’ll bite. Please tell me about a time, ANY TIME, when I’ve lied to you.

    Him, after a pause: OK!! What about that time when you organised a second, surprise Christmas in the middle of the summer and you didn’t tell me anything about it! That’s one of your ‘lies of omission’ if ever there was one!! I just woke up one morning, with the kids jumping up & down on the bed with CHRISTMAS STOCKINGS, in the middle of JUNE, and I had NO IDEA what the FUCK was going on!!

    (I planned this second Christmas after DDay, because that destroyed real Christmas that year for my children).

    Me: Let me get this straight. Me not telling you about surprise presents and a surprise Christmas dinner is the same as you not telling me you were fucking the trainee at work?

    Him: YES!!! That is EXACTLY what I’m saying!! It’s the SAME THING, but you don’t like it when I point out YOUR shortcomings, now do you?!

    :’) :’) :’)

  • “I am sorry for the hurtful things I have said to you especially in this past year 12YW. I am sorry for the cowardice way I ended our marriage. I am sorry I never sought the help I needed earlier on. You were strong enough to seek help and I should have done so too. It may not have saved our marriage but it would have helped me have the strength to tell you I was unhappy and wanted the end the marriage. I’m sorry for giving you reasons for feeling so much anger and hate.”

    This came 3 months after D-day via email after a blow out between us regarding something or other. I had been telling him for years to go to therapy to deal with his childhood trauma among other things. I helped him find a therapist before D-day (she was actually one I’d found for me because of his mind-fucking). She apparently told him to go find his happiness. I mean, I guess if he had gone to therapy he could have had the STRENGTH to tell me he was unhappy instead of finding a ho-worker to fuck. Cause using words is harder than starting a whole new relationship when your wife and 6 year old child are home waiting for you. He’s right about the cowardice though. He was always a coward.

  • “I’m gutted for my actions and yes I need to own up to it all. I’m a piece of shit. The only peace I have is that the boys will grow up with a positive influence being around you. I only hope that one day I can look you in the eyes again. I don’t know what to say and I know that you will be better without me. I’m so sorry.”

    Barf! The AP was still with her husband at this stage, but preparing to leave him. They moved in together soon after.

    I look back on this message occasionally and see that he had every intention of ditching his kids too, not just me. And that’s exactly what he did.

    Like a good friend said to me soon after this message: “He’s not sorry. He wants what he has now.” Ouch. But yes, exactly.

  • I was as given several apologies to chose from:

    1. Im sorry you don’t trust me staying out all night wth some woman you never met.
    2. Sorry you think I’m cheating with her, she’s just a friend you didn’t know I had.
    3. You never forgave me for the first affair in 2011 which caused me to cheat. I made a mistake. Ps there were 7 woman total but I only told you about one.
    5. I hate you. This is all your fault. You’re disgusting, I’m not happy with you. You make me miserable, I hate who I am when I’m around you.
    6. You look old, your boobs have taken a major plunge since you hit 44, and your ass…. what the fuck happened to your ass….it deflated.
    7. You don’t take care of yourself ( after I worked for 2 years to lose 100#’s).

    And Finally the truth: I’m NOT SORRY, I’m NOT REMORSEFUL OR REPENTANT, I will NEVER apologize to you ever again for the whole,rest of my life.

    He really could have started with that last one.🤦🏻‍♀️💯✔️🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼
    I don’t chase 🦄💩

    • I got the, “I don’t like who I am with you” also.

      I appreciated his honesty there. I think he doesn’t like who he is with most people.

      • What they don’t like is that the Chump SEES who they really are. They cannot pretend that they are this spectacular guy because the Chump now knows they aren’t. When they say “I don’t like who I am when I am with you” they are telling the truth–because that is who they really ARE. What they mean is “I don’t like to have to see myself as I really am.”

  • “I’m sorry it took this kind of situation to make you realize what kind of husband you’ve been and how you’ve made me feel alone all year”.

      • This was when she was still lying to me and that the doctor really was just a friend. Still trying to make herself look like a good person who just had a guy friend while I was the one who was a terrible husband to her all year.

        It takes a different kind of person to say that to someone when you know you’re lying and cheating on them.

      • The standard line seems to be “sooooorry” dressed up in regret … regret for what everyone else made them do, feel, react etc….. a total playbook of blameshift and if only you could be relieved they were happy now… narrative. My kids got a special email …group one so it took less time. … I’m sorry i was a bad father to make you into money grabbing kids” …#sorry not sorry
        Never mind they were morally the most ungreedy people ever…. never mind. ..dad of the year had to “uncouple” himself from any obligations to his offspring while giving them a load of unsolicited advice about living a productive happy life. BTW i dont give ‘handouts’ …so noble now u say it like that…. I’m sorry ..
        He just gives me too much ammunition these days.

  • She gave me a few. I’m sorry I made a mistake! I’m sorry I hurt your feelings! Post dday, when I discovered she was still lying (shocker) she stated it was because she didn’t want to hurt me more by telling the truth!

  • Ah yes the non-apologetic apology. I got, “I’m sorry you got hurt….” this was said days after I figured it all out, had printed out the cell phone records showing evidence over a 4-month period of time and him laughing at me. That day he told me, “We are just friends. I should have told you so you wouldn’t be over-reacting.”. You only wish I hadn’t have “over-reacted”. Losing cake suuuuuucks.

    Happy Friday y’all!!!!

  • From fuckwit – “I’m sorry BUT you act like your blameless.”

    From OW – ” There are not enough words in the English language to express how sorry I am. I shouldn’t have overstepped like I did and for as long as I did.” The day he moved out she posted pics on Instagram of her “waiting for him to bring another load” … and divorce date a pic of a bottle of wine saying “I can’t wait to celebrate tonight!”

    Apologies mean absolutely nothing when there is no true remorse or they continue to do what they are apologizing for.

    Those 2 fuck ups are absolutely meant for each other. My life is better without dealing with him and his moods and lies and feeding him kibbles. My job now is looking forward and making sure he doesn’t fuck up our children. I provide consistency and love for them and try to not change a whole lot of things in their life. They were young when it happened so for that I am very fortunate.

  • Ex never apologized because he ” didn’t do anything wrong “. I did get an ” I didn’t mean to hurt you ” every now and then, but mostly I got a bunch of crap about how I caused his to cheat. All conversations about the cheating were quickly reversed to being caused by me, which I guess means he thought I should apologize to HIM.

    • Ah yes, Anita, the “I didn’t MEAN to ______.”

      Fill in with whatever it was he had EVERY INTENTION of doing.

      I got “I didn’t mean for it to turn out this way,” which I UBT’d as “I didn’t mean for you to ever find out.”

      I also got, “She [the OW] has nothing to do with this,” meaning actually, “You are such an inadequate source of narcissistic supply that I had to find SOMEONE else. It could have been anyone, so exactly WHO it is isn’t relevant.”

      In one moment of honesty, he admitted, “I’m not worth it.” I do believe those were the only true words he ever spoke to me, and the closest to an apology I ever got.

      • My ex would occasionally say stuff like that when he was hoovering and playing sad sausage. It was actually my cue to step in and tell him it wasn’t true, he was a great guy etc. He was pretty resentful when I just let that statement sit there.

  • I got blamed because I “should have seen it coming” and “not been so trusting.” Ah, well, I guess that explains it. Silly me.

    Then he prepared an NDA so when I did wise up I couldn’t utter a word about what a complete deviant fuckwad I found out he was, so not to ruin his professional reputation or alert any of my replacements to what he really is.

    No, I’m not holding my breath waiting for an apology.

    • The only thing an NDA is good for is leverage. As long as they want you to sign, you have leverage. That is a sad state of things.

    • Haha! After I discovered all the ugly details, my ex wanted a gag order too. My lawyer just laughed.

  • Alternating between a blank stare whenever I would tell him I was so hurt and he was destroying our family and harming our two daughters and “I said I was sorry” coupled with a look of “get over it.”

    Thankfully I got rid of his dead weight over 2 years ago!

    • And let me add, this was after he told me “I don’t like you and I don’t like people like you” in response to me asking him if he was having an affair. I’m still not sure what that means? I think it’s cheater speak for I’ve been caught and have no excuse so I’ll just respond by blaming you for my bad behavior!

  • I honestly don’t think he apologized, but when he begged to come back 3 months after D-day (a shock considering how evil he turned) all I got was…I was going to kill myself in a few years so wanted to hurt you now to save you from “following me to the grave”, I made a mistake and I don’t like living alone, my depression made me do it, we were the couple that everyone was jealous of. And my personal fav: ” I know we can can get back to where we were 4 years ago, but you not talking to me is really starting to piss me off. ” Saving that goodie in case I file order of protection. Either way, no real apology, absolutely NO I love you which was my new red flag, and NO mention of the fur kids which he was using as an excuse before because he apparently loved them so much. Still fighting this man after divorce and he is in contempt of court. Him turning off the power has left me in physical shock since and wonder if I will ever feel anything again. Scary when the love of your life could be so, so evil!

    • Please be very careful, Abinormal. The suicide threats are common warnings signs that a person might be violent to YOU.

      • I second the warning Karen is giving, threats of suicide are escalations, when that didn’t work on my exasshole got more violent toward me. It is a sign post I was unaware of at the time. Guard yourself, the PO could be too late or ineffective if he’s not afraid of jail

        • I sent that email to my therapist and his, but that was back in December. After he shut off my power, an act of aggression that shocked me, he also emptied my bank account. Now he is being told he has a show cause hearing and is in contempt of court. The police watch the house since the power incident and I let friends, family, etc know he has a gun. Trust me it has crossed my mind and I have nightmares. He always lashes out after being confronted so I feel like I am holding my breath… I feel sick he only lives 2 blocks away and he can see when I come and go. 🙁

          • I am so sorry you are going through this. Exasshole attacked me and lied to cops so that I got arrested after I called them. Months later he pulled a gun and pretended he was going to kill himself, then he started pointing it at me. The cold calculation in his eyes was chilling as he decided he couldn’t get away with killing me and went back to the suicide threats (he is very afraid of jail). I’ve been able to renew my PO for several years now.

            Are you able to move? Do you have an alarm system and surveillance cameras? I had those installed. These assholes are careful not to leave evidence, hard to get them arrested or to get a PO. Jedi hugs!

  • The sad fact is that most of our exes are Sociopaths and a sociopath is incapable of empathy or feeling anything for anyone but themselves.
    I never got an apology because I “drove her to it”. Now she denies the cheating and has rewritten history that I was the cheater.

    Forget genuine remorse or regret from a cluster B.

  • Mine said he had his affair because I didnt like eating out or going to expensive restaurants…..yeas because I was earning less, had bills to pay and dealing with two teenagers acting out. Unbelievable!

  • Asshat wouldn’t know how to formulate a genuine apology if his life depended on it. I got “I am sorry you’re so sad”…right after “you should be happy that I have fallen in love!!!”

    In love. Right. With his (now) ex-best-friend’s wife. That was 6 months ago. That shit got too hard to manage, so he’s now off playing with a 27-year old barmaid (he’s 56). Oh, he’s “in love” again! I wonder what new young side piece is “in”?

    Come on, Tuesday.

  • Ohh man Chump Lady i need to dig out the awesome decoder you did of my ex’s “note” to me. “mistakes were made” was DEFINITELY in there lol!! Thanks for giving me a great laugh this morning #sadsausage #seeIwrotezanote

  • Sparkledick write the last text before I blocked him, the day we would have been married 40 years: ” I betrayed my promise to the Priest” (who married us)

    • Wow. No mention of his promise to you? Asshat. He also forgets that other very important person he made promises to at that wedding–God. Oh well, he’ll get a reminder on both those counts.

    • That hurts my heart. No regard for his promise to you. How do these people exist on earth? I’m so sorry ClearWaters.

  • I got a “ask yourself why, why, why” and then he proceeded to tell me all the ways I had let down the marriage, like back in 2011 I put the dinner on the table late.

  • Here are 3 texts I got after d-day #4. These are verbatim and were sent in this exact order.

    “I’m disgusted with myself. I don’t know what to do. I’m freaking out. I’ve ruined everything for me. I can see how people lose hope.”

    “I know you are hurting because of me. But I’ll hurt until I am dead. I can’t believe what I have done.”

    “I’ve lost everything. I have failed and will suffer the consequences.”

    • UBT: me, me, me, there may be consequences for ME and I don’t like that! I have fucked up my own life and YOU are supposed to jump in here and fix everything and make me feel better! I hate consequences, make them stop! Me me me!!!

  • At co-parenting counseling, the counselor twisted STBXH’s arm big time to apologize. He sat there for a bit & said, “I’m sorry I handled things the way I did.”
    Forced and insincere. I didn’t accept it.
    He’s only sorry he got caught.

    • That is the universal problem: cheaters are sorry only because they get caught. If someone invented a cheater-shield it would sell billions.

  • “I have something I have just Have to tell you and you’re probably going to think I’m an asshole, but I can’t keep quiet about it anymore. I’ve been having an affair, and she’s decided to tell her husband and I thought I’d better tell you and it’s over and I’m sorry.”

    This was at 10 o’clock at night, on our daughter’s 8th birthday and I was cleaning up from a big family supper and canning a batch of salsa.

    I thought he was going to scold me for getting after that same daughter who was still awake and happed up on double chocolate cake and the excitement of the day/evening. I was completely blindsided.

    And he has ALWAYS maintained that “he apologized” and that should be enough for me to “get over it.”

    • That’s a mindfuck, if it helps he probably only said that much because the OW didn’t give him a choice, either he told you or she would. I hope you are feeling a weight off without that complete asshole in your life. Jedi Hugs!

    • What is it with these wankers and ruining birthdays, christmas and school graduations. Mine dropped the bomb on the trifecta… daughters 16th son finishing high school .. son 2 getting a job …..christmas looming. And HE needs to go and find his happy place… this is no coincidence. They engineer maximum damage as a weird punishment we didn’t know we deserved.?? Does this happen to others? For years ahead those anniversary /birthdays time of year are ‘contaminated’ with devastation. Gutless wonders

  • After the first affair, there are two that stand out. The first after I confronted him and he confessed with “I’m so glad you finally caught on so now I can tell her we need to stop” and then this gem when I asked why “It didn’t mean anything, it’s no different to me than playing racquetball at lunch”.

    Then 12 years later I new for awhile that something was going on, one day he said “If someone was doing something that would break someone’s heart but it had stopped should they tell or not?” My response was “did it really stop” his response was “yes”. Well shame on me because it never really did stop.

  • My best friend got, not an apology, an explanation. ‘I knew someone was going to get hurt, and I picked you’.

    • I kind of got an explanation like that. The jist was, “I wasn’t happy for a long time, and so I just decided I wanted to be happy and that you were going to have to be unhappy for a change.”

  • No direct heartfelt apology, of course. The closest he got was “the affair was a mistake,” and “the affair was a symptom of our deeper problems.” This was then followed by a million excuses, such as “she pursued me, not the other way around” and “I didn’t think you’d care”. Personally, I see the affair as a symptom also, a symptom of his glaring lack of character and integrity.

    • Reminds me of what the fuckwit said
      Well, LIS, you can’t put my dick in your purse
      All I needed to hear.

  • I got “You didn’t deserve what I did to you.” He followed up literally 5 minutes later with, “Whatever! If you weren’t such a self-centered, non-social, selfish person, this never would have happened.”

    Also, “I may be a dick, but I’m not an asshole.”

    “This is the first affair I’ve had on you.” (Which turned out to actually being his 5th that I could glean from hacking into his email.)

    There was more, but the sound of doofus cheaters is faint in the land of Meh.

  • I got, “I did things I’m not proud of”.

    Two days after I filed he texted me this, “Just because we are getting a divorce doesn’t mean I won’t be there for you! If you need help or you need anything my door is always open. I love you.”

    Ok, so first of all I’ve also done things in my life that I’m not exactly proud of, but here’s the thing…none of those things involved imploding the lives of 3 innocent people whom I claimed to love and exposing you to various STD’s.

    Second of all, we are getting divorced, so I don’t need your help or anything else from you. I needed you to be invested in our marriage & family while we were married. Not out fucking strange unknown women or ex high school girlfriends. Your door has really never been open to me, so why start now? Save your I love you’s for your new embezzling howorker.

    • Two months after DD#3,4,5

      Me: “You cheated with Skeletor? Really?”
      Him: “God gave everybody something.”

      I filed for divorce the next day — nothing to work with.

    • brandib, your story reminds me of a really weird statement by my ex. He said, “We won’t be leaving each other’s lives. We’ll still do things together with our boys and their lovely ladies.”

      To me it sounded like, “I’m going to crush your heart and grind it into the floor with my boot, but we can still do things together like we’re a family.” Plus, the part about “their lovely ladies” made me think he was attracted to them. So creepy and delusional.

      • Of course they are so fabulous that you must want to stay friends with them. They have that justification already worked out in their mind of how to keep you and schmoopie. Never mind that neither you nor schmoopie would want to ‘share’ an asshole. Uuuhhhmmmm, no. We aren’t friends. That was part of a marriage. Once you realize the cheaters just want your and schmoopie to jockey for the 1 & 2 spots in their life, it’s pretty easy to quit playing the rigged game.

        • “But…we had some good times!!!!”

          Sorry, Asshat. I thought we did. But upon reflection of the past, with the new knowledge that you were NEVER the man I thought you were…NO. You were never my “best friend”. You were and are, nobody’s friend. Not even your own.

  • The closest I got to an apology was something along the lines of “I didn’t mean to hurt you, but you left me no choice”. Or maybe it was “I’m sorry you got hurt, but you made me do it” (basically the same idea, although I highly doubt fuckwick actually used the term “I’m sorry”). Kudos to me for not being able to remember the exact lame-ass terminology for his mindfuckery!!

    The blame shifting and total refusal to accept ones actions completely blows me away. To claim that the affair was something that I made him do . . . like I left out a banana peel, he slipped on it and his dick flew into her vagina, over and over again. Oops!! Golly gee, how did THAT happen?? Or I held a gun to his head and made him fuck her, and then took a turn with him myself just for the fun of exposing myself to herpes. Classy.

    It’s absolute mindfuckery that I used to live in that world!! So glad I lost a cheater and gained a Life!!

    • Any apology that includes the word, “but” isn’t an apology. It’s a justification. “I’m sorry, but…”

      Nope.

  • My personal favorites from Hannibal:

    “My affair did not occur in a vacuum.”

    “I am aware now of things I have done wrong.”

    • p.s. I am combing old emails to/from Hannibal for today’s exercise, and also to copy them into a Word document as “research” for an intended book I want to write.

      Two thoughts: What the Fuck was I thinking staying with that asshole 24 years? and Trust That They Suck.

  • I never wanted to hurt you. {It’s shocking that your finally discovering that I lied to you all. the. time and had been unfaithful to you for God knows how long would hurt you. Oops.} Do you think this doesn’t hurt me too? {Now that you know the truth, I can’t go on having my cake and eating it too. Poor me. You should feel bad for me.}

    Sad thing is, this chump actually cries when he acts sad. It kills me when I think he’s in pain, even though he “accidentally” has put me through hell, because how could he have guessed that lying and cheating would hurt me? But you know, he’s got a chance for a better life with shmoopie. All’s well that ends well.

  • The mother of them all is, of course:

    “First, I am sorry. I am sorry that we promised ‘forever’ to each other when we had no concept of what ‘forever’ meant. If there is fault in that promise, we both have that burden. How can we blame each other for what we could never have possibly understood then? We were naive, we were clueless, we were still growing when we made our vows. We did not know that we would grow apart.” — https://www.chumplady.com/2018/05/uxworld-ubts-a-letter-from-kk/

    But in the larger picture it all ties back to what CL started with: it may be ‘unfortunate,’ BUT it’s all necessary “to find my happiness within myself.”

    KK’s customization of this was: “…to become the person I was always meant to be.” What is lost on her in her selfie-laden, “acknowledge me dammit!” existence is that she always was the person she was meant to be — cowardly, insecure, self-absorbed, self-loathing, entitled. The cheating was only the behavioral manifestation of it.

  • In all honesty, I got three apologies over the course of two and a half months. But… this is what I will remember forever. I asked for one of the years of alimony up front to help with my moving expenses. He agreed. It was to be labeled equitable distribution. The very last day I saw him, he wrote the check out for me and asked “What was this called again? Oh yeah, equitable distribution- there’s nothing equitable about this”- This, this negated every fucking apology I ever got because it reminded me yet again of a cheaters true character. This, this the very last words spoken in person from the man I spent the last 19 years of my life with.

  • I’m in the no apology camp, because I don’t consider the Hallmark card he bought to be an apology. I still have it someplace. It really screwed with my head at the time. Now looking back I wonder how I could be so stupid to think that was sincere. I was so desperate for any type of acting sorry I was willing to take an “I’m sorry” written by a card company. Pathetic.

    Someday that card amongst other things will be burned. Next Friday is my 1st divorce anniversary. Life is much better on the other side, but still working towards meh.

  • “Sorry you got hurt” via text after he left (for the second time in our 20 year marriage) for yet another young schmoopie–DD14’s 20-something asst sports coach in our kids’ Catholic high school. Nothing about sorry to throw away 20 years of history (minus the year or so screwing around with and leaving for a howorker when our kids were 2 & 4 years old). No sorry to embarrass the ever living fuck out of my kids for screwing around in their school with a young twit while I’m volunteer coaching DD14 and her teammates.

    That’s been 2 years ago. I can so clearly see what an entitled, self centered fuckwit he is now. I’m so much happier in general. And I might be really, really close to meh. Saw him all this week at DD’s sports stuff and he looks like a sad sausage. Walking on the stands to rows behind me. I just ignore him. It’s all about him in every decision and every action.

  • On D-day my ex-husband and I are standing in my office parking lot. I am so stunned by the revelation of his 5-year affair that I truly cannot breathe. As the ground shifts under my feet and I fight the urge to vomit he begins to sob. He is wracked with body shaking tears and begins to mutter “ I am so very very sorry…so sorry…so very sorry…so sorry that I have caused the OW pain.”

    After 25 yrs of marriage I received an apology directed to his girlfriend.

    • Same exact words and sobs that I received here. They truly are idiots. Also: “two things I can promise you: I will not get married again, and I won’t have any more children.” Fast forward three years and guess who is married again and has another child…So much for cheater apologies. Bleah!

    • Wow. What in the ever-loving fuck?

      Oh that reminded me of one more. He texted me a couple days after D-day and asked how I was. I said I feel like I’ve had my guts ripped out. He texted back, “I know. I’ve been there.”

      Ha ha ha ha!

      • Yeah mine had ‘done all his crying’ apparently so silently no one heard his sobs….funny he didn’t look sad when he wheel spun down the road having cleared out his wardrobe !!

  • I jad to try and wrap my mind around the following “apology?”

    “I do love you. I’m just sorry that dude to my own weaknesses and shortcomings, I was unable to convince you of that.”

    Scratched a groove in my noggin over that. Now I’m at meh.

  • I did get a real apology…..several times. That’s the problem. SEVERAL. During my cheaters on going five year affair, with the same OW, catching him still in contact with her many times (yeah….I am a super chumpy chump), he apologized each and every time. “Kim, I’m so sorry I’ve hurt you”!

    THE.APOLOGY.MEANT.NOTHING. My feelings meant nothing. The words meant nothing.

    His apology meant about as much as the words “I DO” on our wedding day! NOTHING!

    • I’m passing on my words of wisdom to anybody willing to listen

      “Pay attention to a person’s actions not the words coming out of her/his mouth”

  • I have so many gems to choose from but for the sake of brevity I’ll try to only pick a few:

    “I shouldn’t have done what I did but you’re right, you played no part in it. Just keep telling yourself that and I’m sure all your future relationships will thrive.”
    “I’m never going to be some perfect person, good luck at finding that but I can tell you it’s not out there. Maybe you need a man with no nuts so you can control his every move. “
    “You’re so busy pointing a finger at me that you don’t even see or think about how you need to change”

    I mean if you squint and turn your brain off I guess this was him apologizing. Lol He’s dead now so I know I will never get a real apology or real introspection from him. He was the epitome of “it’s not what I did it’s your reaction”! So glad to be out of that daily mindfuck, still recovering from the gaslighting and abuse but every day is a tiny bit better.

      • Yes he was and those were just some of his greatest hits. I always wonder what his conversation with the man above was when he got there. Once when I was trying to untangle the skein of his billionath affair he hit me with “you see conversation and I see condemnation. I’m too vulnerable right now to discuss this and deal with you attacking me”.Barf. RIP jerk indeed.

        • “You see conversation, I see condemnation.”

          That is priceless! poor sad sausage; you were tormenting him.

        • Ugh. This tells me you were actually a pretty nice person.

          Only people who were actually kind get hit with bullshit lines like that. Like rude people have contempt for you not being as fucked-up as they are.

  • “I’m sorry if I hurt you, but you haven’t cared about me for years.”

    She didn’t even say “I’m sorry THAT I hurt you….” What a great way to refuse to acknowledge the consequences of her actions and blameshift all in one apology fail.

  • The closest thing I received from my wife after she said she wanted a separation was:

    Her: “I’m sorry you feel that I think you’re a bad parent”.

    Me: “I feel like you think I’m a bad parent because that’s what you’ve told me for the last 12 months!”

    Her: “I’m sorry you feel that way!” with shark eyes…..

    I now realize almost all her apologies to me in the last 21 years were not really apologies, they were Politician Statements: “I’m sorry you feel (fill in the blank)”, because she was never sorry herself. I guess she just felt sorry for me because I kept misunderstanding the gaslighting and mindfuckery she was laying out. But I always had apology for whatever it is that I didn’t understand. I’m such a Chump.

  • She Said “I am sorry I hurt – but I am not sorry about the [4-year] affair” … “It was a short time of our 20 year marriage why are you so unforgiving” … When Challenged – “How Can I say I am sorry – it was a wonderful time and we were in love – it was not like those sickos that just do it for sex” …. Ugghhh I am still stuck and have not left her… Her AP dumped her to save is marriage…

    • Oh JeepMan, I’m so sorry you’re still being abused! Please please listen to what she’s telling you; she is NOT remorseful, she thinks what she did is fine (so you know she may very well do it again), she thinks it’s no big deal, she doesn’t care about you! You deserve so much better!

      Do you have supportive people around you – who know what she’s done? Do you have a good therapist?

      I hope you can read lots here, post when you feel like it (go to the forums), and find the strength to get her out of your life. I promise it is so much better, afterwards!

      • Thanks Karen – I am 2.5 years out from DDAY… I am a superchump as I have not left her… She seems loving most of the time – I just don’t know why I can’t leave her… I love her yes, never stopped, no matter how much she hurt me… Lately she has been flaunting to me a mug she bought “My husband is hotter than my Coffee”… I guess she really is a master of knowing how to reel me back in… Yes, I have a therapist (She tells me to leave her – that her telling me she loves me and taking me to dinner and buying me gifts is not working on the marriage)… Plus she is volatile sometimes… I guess it is complacency on my part or I am so broken and living in a fantasy

    • You don’t owe her a second chance. That’s a gift.

      I would not give someone like this a gift like that.

    • Jeepman, If you get away from her for a few weeks, completely, no contact! I promise you will feel some peace and I believe you will get the strength to stay away. Please try, take a vacation w/out her, whatever it takes to be with you and not deal with her. Jedi Hugs!

  • Mine was a masterpiece of blame shifting and I’ve memorized it:

    ‘I am sorry I allowed your behavior to destroy my good feelings for you’

    Which behavior is that? Wouldn’t have discussing that behavior, breathing a word of it, been the first step before an affair with a coworker? Can you tell me why the worst possible decision is the best solution for you? What kind of utter teenager addresses wanting to end a marriage that way?

    Cold stare, ‘I can’t think of anything specific, I just didn’t feel loved.’

    ‘I’ve never disrespected you. I’ve busted my ass for you. I’ve allowed you to live here and keep all but a few hundred dollars a month of your salary, I’ve shown you affection every day and I’ve scrubbed your filthy shorts. If you don’t feel the love in that, you want to be worshipped, not loved.’

    ‘She’s always smiling and positive, you are so negative now. Just like my other exes.’

    ‘So was I! In the beginning. So were they! So what you’re saying is that you’ve taken several perfectly happy women over the years and made them UNHAPPY. Sounds like you are the constant.’

    ‘I need someone who isn’t that complicated’

    ‘Stupid. You need someone stupid.’

    Blank dopey stare.

    UGH. They hate it when you shut off the Gaslight Bill.

    • These jerks are all the same Luziana. Yours sounds like an exceptional piece of crap, and on this site that’s saying a lot!

  • “I’m sorry how ‘this’ all went down.”

    WTF does that even mean??! SO, so lame!

    It’s like he’s implying outside forces were at work.

    Barf

  • Received via text, a few days after D-Day, and after I asked him to stop texting and talking to her on the phone when I was home in our very small house. I was initially told that that request was controlling.

    “I just want to let you know that I’m really sorry for lying to you. It was the cowardly way of covering up for my fear of the future and what ending our marriage would mean. I was sure I didn’t want to be married to you, but not totally sure.

    You may or may not believe this, but I’m glad you found out about Schmoopie and about how much I was lying to you. The lie was eating me up inside and it was not fair to anyone that it continues

    You probably don’t want to know about conversations I had with her, but we talked today about how even though we are divorcing, I resent a lot of our marriage and our relationship, and I lied to you, I am not out to hurt your feelings.

    To that end, Schmoopie and I agreed to put limits on our communication.

    Even though you and I are over, the fact that I’m talking with her at home clearly bothers you.

    You are absolutely right that I should have sought counsel and therapy and made sure you understood that we were over and done with before starting a new relationship.

    I should have come totally clean about all of it when confronted about it at the start.

    I should not have had sex with you under false pretenses and I should not have continued to lie about it.

    Truth is that I was looking over the edge of the divorce cliff, I jumped, then caught myself on a branch part way down. After I met Schmoopie, the branch cracked a little, but I thought that there might still be a way to shake her loose and climb up to safety.

    I didn’t have the courage of my convictions to make the decision honestly. It was eating me up inside and I couldn’t keep it up much longer. I’m sorry you found out this way, but I’m glad that it provided me an opportunity to make the decision and come clean to everyone.

    Schmoopie is a wonderful person who despite all this drama, continues to talk to me. Neither of us thought we would have as much in common as we do and each of us finds the other astoundingly easy to talk to. We are of similar mind on a lot of things. I’m sure you’d find us both sociopaths or robots or something.

    I’m not sure if Schmoopie and I will become any more than it is, but It’s the kind of relationship I want and now I know exists and is possible to find. I know for sure that I cannot find that with you. For that I’m deeply sorry.

    I’m also sorry that I wasted 14 years of your life trying to put a square peg into a round hole. I was really never happy in our relationship and I should have ended it before Kiddo came along. I really tried to make us work despite my wanting out. I really did want you to be happy. I know how much you’re hurting and how much hurt there is. I was hopeful, indecisive, and fearful. I was hoping that never talking about it would make it go away.

    You don’t have to respond to any of this if you don’t want to. You have every right to hate me forever. I just wanted to get this all out in the open.

    I really do love you and hope that you can be happy and that your future is more fulfilling and enriching than your past. That future has a limited role for me and that’s ok. We can’t be the partners we need, want, or deserve for each other.”

    • Sweetlake what a complete and utter ass. I heard so much of the same garbage.
      But he would never admit to being a robot. At least you got that.
      Fucking weird ass robots.

    • This was after what I think of as my Big D-Day on Jan 24. Little D-Day was Christmas Day, when I caught him texting another woman while opening presents with my entire extended family. He trickle truthed me into believing that he was “just” testing the waters and texting a Tinder connection. He agreed to counseling and lied to me and the therapist about the actual extent of things and about being no-contact.

    • Sweetlake, this is the most revealing admission in his whole “apology” letter:

      “I was hoping that never talking about it would make it go away.”

      I’m pretty sure my ex was thinking the same thing.

    • I swear he’s my husband’s twin!

      Ugh. (I’m so sorry for both of us—and everyone here. Like, what world did we land in!?)

  • I never received an actual apology (shocker!) from my now exH, but these are some gems he told me:

    “I was just looking for excitement, but found so much more.” (He admitted to responding to and posting Craigslist ads for sex. The “found so much more” part is that he fell in twu luv with a tramp who responded to his ad.)

    “You never would have found out about it this time, but I fell in love.” (THIS TIME…ummm.. how many other times were there??? He eventually admitted to cheating on me once more than a decade prior, but I’m guessing there are more I don’t know about and likely never will.)

    “I don’t think you can make me happy. You don’t seem to like gardening.” (Yes, those two sentences were said in the same breath. WTF. There’s just so much wrong with that. And, I love gardening…pulling weeds, well that’s another matter.)

    And proving the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree…ex-MIL told our teenage daughter a month after the divorce was final, “Well, he said he wasn’t happy, but he seems happy now (…with Craigslist Schmoopie…), so it’s ok.”

    • Ok the gardening comment is completely insane. Really, really insane.
      And do we have the same mil? These people are so rotten to the core.

      • Yeah, I had that MIL too. DDAY 2 (of 4) and ex-cheater-troll was storming out in the middle of the night, (this was mothers day weekend and ex mil was staying with us), I explained her POS son was an adulterer and when confronted he is choosing to leave, she turns to me and starts accusing me of something but she never got it all out because my DD stepped btwn us and told her gma off!!!! I told ex mil she knows where the door is and went back to bed. Fast forward to final DDay (4) and gma tells her g-kids (our kids) not to get involved in the separation and divorce however GMA hired and PAID for her POS son’s divorce atty!!! So much else but you just cannot make this crap up?!?!

    • Gardening?!

      Here’s what he said:

      “You don’t make me happy because you like to help people and I just don’t.”

      Well. At least he recognizes his selfishness on some level…

  • Closest to an apology I got was “I’m a fuckhead. Nar I’m not stupid, I know I fucked up really really bad. Sorry about that”.
    and
    “People have sex. Love is not sex. I enjoy fucking you”.
    10 years married. Best friends for 24 years. 2 kids 7 and 10. 2 years pathological lies about his ho- worker (he works overseas on oil rigs) Im in Oz and whore chinese/canadian 26 has applied for permanent residency. I told the fuckhead I want a divorce and willing to consider reconciling if leave his job which I thought would mean leaving howorker as well. He will leave his job for her not me. Not our family. Come and go daddy my kids entire lives. Thanks ChumpLady and Chumplady fans. You guys rock and make me laugh.

  • My ex-husband apologized to me a couple of weeks ago. He’s since returned to obnoxious mode.

    My boyfriend, a couple of months before last discarding me, publicly said, ‘I’m a bad boyfriend,’ Nkt understanding why he said that, ‘I said, ‘He’s a great boyfriend.’ Little did I know…around time of disvard, when I want over to retrieve some of my clothes. he said, ‘I felt guilty for a couple of weeks (he wanted ME to feel sorry for HIM in spite of his lying, insulting, disrespecting of me for years), but I’m getting better.’ What a jerky, narcissistic thing to do.
    A few months later, after discard, he emailed me, ‘I’m trying to do better’ for my replacement, his work subordinate? Is this an apology? How does you doing Bette for someone else help me? Why even state this?’ Makes me mad!)

  • I got this, ‘I forgive you, I’ll pray for you, I feel like such a slut”…what??

    And I’m sure the ‘slut’ line was a thinly veiled projection. These people are so disordered

  • I got the “I am sorry but” with a power pointe presentation of all the things I did wrong in the marriage. Or she would be WALKING down the hallway and say “I am sorry I cheated on you”. Or say “I am sorry I was mean to you” and then fall right to slept. She NEVER said any thing specific about her apology. She didn’t even apologizes about the lying and getting pregnant. When I brought up how she stoled my inheritance on her affairs she told me “it was my money to spend how I wanted to”. Always a half assed apology. Now she is telling everyone that I am unforgiving because she apologized. I told her could reconcile if she would just give me a sincere apology and change a few things. She had the gall to tell me that “I have been apologizing to you”.

  • My ex never apologized for anything. EVER.

    Me, the chump that I was, apologized for everything, no matter if I was right or wrong. EVERYTHING.

    Note that I said “chump that I was” is past tense. Once you make it through all the bullshit of divorce and co-parenting, you realize that you never have to apologize for anything that any one else does, EVER AGAIN.

    • Margo, it took me years to stop saying, “I’m sorry” after we broke up. Isn’t it strange how we’re sorry for everything and they’re sorry for nothing?

    • My friends and family are working with me to stop saying “I’m sorry” all the time. I was always apologizing to my stbxw. Now I apologize to others when she is crazy making in a public place. I was sorry for everything also, but she wouldn’t apologize for the things she said or did.

  • Phone call in trembling accents: “I have to tell you something that’s going to destroy you.”

    Me: [thinks:WTF?]

    When the crime was confessed – that he was now seeing someone else, after a somewhat uncommitted on-again off-again thing with me that had dragged on for four years with no end in sight, and with multiple emotional affairs, dodgy work ‘friendships’ and CatholicMatch episodes – I burst out laughing.

    He was quite put out.

    Mind you, he’s the only cheater that’s ever admitted to it. With the others, either there was complete silence, or ‘Don’t you want me to have FRIENDS?’

  • I never got one. Or does “I’m sorry I can’t help it! I fell in love with her, I wish I could turn it on and off like a light switch” count? HA! He is in AA now and wants to do amends and I refuse. I don’t want to hear it.

  • I am sorry I didn’t suggest marriage counseling five years ago (i.e. I wish I had tried to fix you before I strayed and found out there was better out there).

    Another time he just said “I’m sorry” with no specifics at all and absolutely no effort to fix what he had broken

    These were the only two apologies I ever got for anything in our entire 23 year marriage.

  • Ex narcopath:

    – I fucked up. I’m sorry!
    – But I just love you so much, ease come back and we can work on us.
    – I didn’t tell you because I knew you would over react.
    -Nothing happened.
    -No, I didn’t dip my nib in her inkpot (lie)
    -Whoop-di-shit, I’ll buy you a birthday present next week. You know putting food on the table for my boys is more important. I am a struggling single dad. You’re being too sensitive.
    – You’re making a mountain out of a molehill.
    -I’m sorry! I fucked up! Can’t you stand with me through these hard times as a family?

    My favourite:
    – I was hurt too. I just decided it was time to move on and be with someone who won’t run out in me when the chips are down.

    • That favourite is revealing; your cheater is looking for a Chump who will stick around while they cheat and eat cake and cheat some more! I guess you don’t qualify; good thing!

  • “I’m sorry…but I never loved you….. [blank stare] I just never loved you. I’m sorry. I never loved you.”

    K cool got it

    • Yeah, that’s what I got: “I never loved you”. I told him “Well, you said you loved me 20 years ago, and now you’re saying you never loved me. So you’re a liar either way.” And I slammed the door as he left.

      • Stephanie, a lot of these jerks have diarrhea of the mouth. They don’t know when to shut up. Luckily for them, they generally choose chumps partners who wouldn’t hurt a fly. Otherwise, the himicide rate would be a lot higher than it already is!

        From my boyfriend, I got the line, ‘I love you as a friend,’ at first discard as we had been friends for nearly three decades and he never said he loved me until we started dating, and ‘I love you.’ at second discard half an hour after he coldly out of the blue told me, ‘I don’t see you in my future.’ Why the heck did he tell me he loved me?! He shortly thereafter blocked me through all channels. So much for ‘loving me as a friend.’ Him telling me that he loved me in these contexts made me think that he lied to me about loving me (and other things) throughout our intimate relationship (and perhaps our friendship, too.

        I wish that I didn’t care about him and had enough awareness and emotional strength to refrain from getting intimately involved with him or at least leave him when he started lying to me. disrespecting me, behaving badly. Ten months later, although I am extremely busy as a single mother of young kids and a full-time employee in a new field, I still badly miss him, feel lonely (especially at night in bed alone–I can’t get cats or dogs as landlord doesn’t allow tenants to keep them–I’m also allergic to them), and don’t want anyone else. I often think that my ex-boyfriend is treating my replacement much better than he treated me because he loves and respects her and he won’t lie to her about loving her because he really does love her; he won’t insult/invalidate her because he respects her; he won’t try to control her in strange, inappropriate ways because he doesn’t want to lose her as he loves her. She will get to enjoy breakfast, lunch, dinner, and bedtime with him Every. Single. Day as she is his work subordinate.in his office. She never has to run home to take care of her kids because she, like him, didt have any when they met. (Not complaining about my kids–I love them dearly–just bring it up because boyfriend, in a way, thought of them as an impediment,, even though I got babysitters for them so that I could see him when he was free–I’d spend at least a couple of days/week with him, much of it without my kids. (Perhaps at 43/44 my replacement will have a child with him–quite late in life for a woman. but it is possible for some women.) I’m supposed to be ‘over this’ already and feel relieved that he’s gone, right? What’s wrong with me?

        • RSW, it’s way too soon to be ‘over this.’ I’m 7 years out and although I have a great new life and do not miss him at all (I am grateful to be done with the life I had with him) I will never be ‘over this’ because what he did was devastating to me and to my children.

          It takes time, and you’re under a lot of stress, as well. I wish I could console you, but it will take time, sister. Focus on being the best mom you can be, and you will never regret that–ever. Focus on doing well at work, too. It’s hard going it alone, but alone you can be nimble and free and focus on what’s important, without trying to please a mind-fucking male, like your last partner. He really hurt you, and I’m sorry for that.

          Your guy is out there, but not yet. The right guy will love you one day for taking care of your stuff, and for being a good mom. The right guy won’t ask you to choose him over your kids.

          My xH left me for a childless woman who didn’t work very much, and threw it in my face that she had more time for him than I did, the mother of his three children, who worked full time to help support our family. I took care of everything, which gave him time to gaze at his belly button…and lower….

          I sure hope your ex boyfriend doesn’t have babies–he would be a terrible father, very self-centered. He’s a jerk, and not right for you.

          Hang in there.

      • Hah! Good one.

        The one thing that really got under xH’s skin was when I called him what he was, and that’s a liar.

        Truth hurts sometimes, y’know?

        But I do believe that they never loved us. They don’t know how. They don’t love anyone.

  • Never heard an “I’m sorry” from him, although I said I was deeply sorry multiple times for all my “failures.” He listed them in heartbreaking detail, although he didn’t seem to think his affair with his married coworker had anything to do with the demise of our marriage.

    The closest thing I got to an apology was, “I just saw something else.”

    • I got the detailed list of my faults. He said that I would never improve if there was no criticism. One of my faults was that I tried to change my behavior because of my faults. WTF

      My top favorites– You never wear pink (I’m a grown ass woman with redish hair), your hair is too unstructured (it’s very curly), I want sultry not sassy in bed (WTF), I don’t touch him “down there” enough (what are you 3 years old – who says “down there”), the sex isn’t right but I can’t talk to you about it, “you keep in shape for you not me” (who cares why) .

      There are also some big faults but he can’t tell me about because it would hurt my feelings, he also claims that “You know what you did.” Guess what? I do not know what I did. Well maybe I do…I married a Fuckwit and stayed too long.At least he is fat and lumpy now.

        • Me, too. I wore too much pink. And black. Terrible, terrible.

          OW is a blonde. He has a blonde fetish. So you know what color I dyed my curly hair? That’s right: dark brown, baby!

          New boyfriend likes my black clothes. And any other color I like for that day.

    • Oh yes – apologizing for my failures or ‘issues.’

      I think one of my favorite “Apologies” was him stating that he was sorry for not understanding postpartum depression after our last child. OK – let me just say that was a total mindfuck because our youngest child was 15 years old when he suddenly brings up postpartum depression? Huh. I never knew….

  • My ex faux apologies …

    “I didn’t know I had a porn addiction “ ( he’s been watching it since 16)

    On lying ….” I had to lie to protect you “

    On trolling sex sites “ you kicked me out , what was I suppose to do ? Be bored ?”

    On physical assault “ I’m sorry I touched you in an inappropriate way but your words broke me ( my words of confronting him with more lies )

    On finding out after we were divorced when we had been dating in beginning he was screwing other people ….” I admit , I was immature when I met you “ ummm at 54 years old ?????

    His final apology was “ I made some mistakes , we both did things that rightly or wrongly we can’t take back “
    Lies . All lies . I didn’t do anything . And there IS right and wrong .
    He always struggled with that concept

  • Once when the ex was on the self-pity channel he said, “This is all my fault.” It was quickly followed by a reversion to the rage channel. That’s the only apology I remember.

  • Mine told me he wanted to meet with me to apologize. I asked my therapist and one of my best friends if I should meet with him.

    Therapist: How will it be helpful to you?

    Friend: If you do meet with him be ready for the lame-ist apology ever. Have your response ready: “That’s about the apology I expected from you.”

    He never brought it up again.

  • This is the apology I got. The deep pain he is talking about is the OW dumping him. I heard she dumped him because he tried to stop her seeing her brother, this brother wasn’t too happy about his 19 year old sister dating a man with a child and a pregnant wife.

    I am sorry this is not hand written but I wanted to get it right.
    I am sorry that this has taken so long but it is only after this month where I have been hurt so deeply that I realise the pain and suffering that I caused you. At the start of the year.
    I realise that I was not the nicest person to you and that I did a lot of things that hurt you, for this I am very sorry, I understand now how hard it is to lose someone and fight in a cause that you knew nothing about or had the ability to change.
    I am very sorry for my actions and the way I ended our marriage, I am not asking for another chance but I want you to know that I am deeply sorry for ever giving you a chance and I hope that this apology goes some way to helping you and maybe help us be able to communicate better for our children.

    I am sorry

      • One of the reasons he gave for leaving was because he could NEVER communicate with me. It would seem that he has since acquired that skill, despite us having very limited contact for 10 months. I have never had any problems communicating with him, his problem was that he was only able to communicate if he was lying. Our marriage didn’t have a communication problem, it had a lying, cheating, gambler problem.

  • After DDay 3 of 4, yes I am super chumpy, I got this in a text, “I made the mistake that I did and now the possibility of loosing you guys is mind blowing”. I think there may be some sort of veiled remorse in there somewhere but I mostly see ‘sad sausage’ and maybe some attempt at blame shifting because he was told after DDays 1 & 2 that kids and I weren’t sticking around. Sadly we did until 2 days after DDay 4 ex-cheater-troll rolled himself out instead. I see it as the trash taking itself out!

  • “We had a good run” after 27 years of marriage, and four (that I know of) affairs. Also, “if God wanted us together, He would intervene” and “I just need a Tigger and you’re too much of an Eyeore”
    I never heard an I’m sorry.

    • He needs a tigger. Damn these people are idiots.
      My x included. Its like they all suffer from the same brain trauma. I can totally see my x making a statement like that.

    • Relieved…Eyeore… meaning compassionate creature with ability to think vs jumping humping tigger:)
      Be an Eyeore!!!

    • I also got “we had a good run,” after 24 years of marriage, 29 years together! That was quite a run alright.
      “I’ divorced you in my mind.” Oops, somebody forgot to hit send on that telepathic memo.
      In the early days I’d race to the mailbox, sure that heartfelt, handwritten apology was there. Nope, never arrived. Just grateful I got a good lawyer. Will take those monthly payments over a fake sorry any day. The only sorry is he has to pay. Sorry not sorry!

    • Relieved,

      Sounds as though your ex got stuck in pre-school developmental stage! As did mine!

      I am tired of them blaming us for their, ‘I’m not happy!’ Which comes out after years of them NOT telling us this; even after we’ve directly asked them if everything was all right. And how about OUR happiness. Oh yeah, a lot of us were to occupied trying to perfect the Pick Me Dance to even ask ourselves whether we were happy. Did they give a crap? In most cases, including mine, I doubt it, especially after the love binning stage ended, generally only a few months–couple years in.

  • I got some good ones. I can count on one hand the number of times my ex-wife said she was sorry before D-day; I know it would be expecting too much to get one afterwards, but I sure got some weasly non-apologies.
    The day she left for OM, she “made mistakes,” and then spent 2 hours telling me me how many personal failings I had. She said if I had really been who she was meant to be with, she wouldn’t have felt the need to be with several OM. In other words, I sucked, and it was all my fault. Oh, and by the way, she was leaving me, but not for the OM, but because I sucked.
    About 3 weeks after she left me for OM (and he had dumped her), she got the kids to buy a song on iTunes and put it on my iPod. It was “Little Lion Man” from whatever-that-band is. The main line goes “It’s not your fault but mine. I really f***ed it up this time.” Nothing was ever said to my face, of course.
    About 11 months later, I got a long “Eat, Pray, Love” reality-TV monologue as an e-mail. It said how she admit that she’d made “mistakes” (there’s that word again), but she realized now she’d been unhappy all these years, I’d never really given her everything she wanted, we moved hundreds of miles to be closer to her parents but she still had to drive to see them (I kid you not), it’s all really your fault still, I’m special and so morality doesn’t apply to me, blah blah blah. She then went on about this fabulous self-discovery journey she’d been on, and how it was ok that her parents and friends were awful to me because it showed how much they loved her, etc. etc.
    A month after that, when I was able to finally file for custody, I got an email saying “For what it’s worth, this sucks.” Yep, thanks for stating the obvious.

  • Apologies I wished I had gotten over the years but never did:
    I am sorry I refused to let you have any say in how my first bonus check got spent after years of you sharing your savings with me and letting me have a say in how that got spent because “I earned it, not you”.

    I am sorry I said you looked like a vagrant and refused to acknowledge you as my wife at our meet up spot that night because you had the hood up on the winter coat that I had given you.

    I am sorry that when you complained about me leaving you home along on Friday nights while I went out with the boys my response was “You need to make more friends”.

    I am sorry I kicked you out of the car on a 90F day when you were eight months pregnant.

    I am sorry I got angry with you and complained that you were trying to keep me from the hobbies I enjoyed when you expressed dismay at my plan to go flying when I knew you could go into labor at any moment and then suggested I could go just after his birth instead.

    I am sorry I tried to convince you to quit your career to be a stay at home mom when that is such an important part of your identity. I am also sorry I later forgot that your cutting your hours to 30/week was the compromise we agreed to and later made you feel less than for not being farther along in your career after all of those years or working. I am sorry that I forgot that the 30 hrs/week was my idea and later implied that you were being selfish by working fewer hours so you could have more time for family. I am sorry I continued to harbor resentments regarding your career long after you thought that issue had been resolved.

    I am sorry I put time and energy that should have gone into you and the kids into that emotional affair.

    I am sorry that when you installed that air conditioner that was too big for the window with the frame and got it working so that our attic bedroom wasn’t a sauna all I had to say about it was “That looks terrible”.

    I am sorry I refused to kiss you goodbye when you were bundled up to bike to work in subzero weather because “you look like a man dressed like that”.

    I am sorry I criticized the way you dressed no matter what you wore or how hard you tried to please me and my taste in clothes.

    I am sorry I never noticed all of the kind things you did for me to try and improve my life.

    I am sorry I devalued you and made you feel less than for so many years.

    I am sorry I caused you and the kids so much pain by choosing to have affairs and then choosing a stranger woman’s needs over the needs of my family.

    I am sorry that I chose to forget everything that was good about our marriage over the years.

    I am sorry for the hurt I caused. I wish I had made different choices and not done what I have done. I wish I had never met the women I fucked. I wish I hadn’t blown up my family in such a horrific way. My actions will haunt me and make me sad for the rest of my life. Knowing I hurt you hurts me. It wasn’t worth it. I know that now.

    That last is the only apology I would ever accept from him but I won’t ever get it. I know that now.

    • I am sorry for the hurt I caused. I wish I had made different choices and not done what I have done. I wish I had never met the women I fucked. I wish I hadn’t blown up my family in such a horrific way. My actions will haunt me and make me sad for the rest of my life. Knowing I hurt you hurts me. It wasn’t worth it. I know that now.

      Chumpinrecovery, you may never get this apology, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t think it.

      My ex and I are NC, but he seems terrified of me when we have a chance encounter. This used to infuriate me as typical reversing of victim and offender. I brought this up with my therapist the other day, and he said it’s more likely the sight of me reminds my ex of the feelings you describe above. That he actually DOES feel a modicum of remorse and regret about his choices. Regret makes him feel bad about himself ==> I trigger regret ==> I make him feel bad about himself ==> he despises and avoids anything that makes him feel bad about himself.

      Narcs are incredibly alike, I would assume yours harbors the same remorse and regret that my therapist believes mine does.

      • And yet, if they would just utter those words, mean them and ask for nothing in return reconciliation or otherwise, it might actually go a long way towards redemption and give them a chance to truly start over. It would open the door for self reflection and improvement. They will never admit these feelings to themselves, however. They are blocked behind a wall of denial and “It wasn’t my fault”. The idea of being anything but perfect is horrifying to them.

        • If my abusive adulterous ex-husband authentically apologized for falsely accusing my family, including me of committing crimes and on the day he filed requesting the Court prohibit me from getting within 100 feet of our kids, I might consider him human. I can’t imagine him ever truly apologizing as doing so would involve admiring that without provocation. he did monstrous, unjustifiable things–over and over again.

  • Can’t. Burned it. Would have made the UBT sick anyhow. It did perfectly illustrate what Cl says though.

    The ‘Bitch Cookie’ concept is one of CL’s best takeaways. The threat implied-‘Be grateful I didn’t do worse’ was my final clue that I was dealing with a person with a serious morality gap, character deficit, and who was more than a sandwich short of the full picnic. Masquerading as a loving husband and doting father. Abusive, period. Tyrants expect gratitude for them allowing you to exist, which is a master-slave dynamic.

    Bitch cookie is a good thing to be able to say to yourself when your ex says ‘But I paid the child support’ , a day late and several dollars short as usual. I would mentally dole one out, instead of cake, and think “Congrats on not being a more acute sociopath, dude. Bitch cookie for you”

    Who wants to eat a bitch cookie? I am over here scoffing Meh Meringues and Positivity Pie. And crying a little for the loss of Anthony Bourdain, a proper punk.

    Love to Chump Nation.
    Meh

    • OMG yes, Mephista, yes! Thank you for pointing this out, that we are supposed to be grateful they didn’t do worse!

      My ex actually tried to get our kids to come around by telling them about some warlord who was in prison for having hundreds of people killed, and whose daughter was fighting to be allowed to visit him in prison. HE wasn’t a warlord, HE hadn’t killed hundreds of people, so SURELY his kids should still be seeing him more than they were!! (Our daughter replied to this story by saying ‘just because HIS daughter is fucked up doesn’t mean I have to be!’)

      And his latest line, recently fed to us through his mother, who was upset that the kids have now completely stopped seeing him, was ‘you’re treating him like he’s a murderer! He isn’t a murderer!’. No, he’s just a huge asshole, in SO many ways! And I didn’t know there was some international agreement out there that you only get to cut off family members if they’re murderers.

    • Mine said “I am making this as easy on you as I can”. No, he could have made it easier on me by giving up the bitch. Simple really, but too much for him.

      • Yeesh, our exes sound like the Turd Triplets….Cheers to having them out of our lives, and to Meh!
        ❤️
        Mehphista

  • The first sort of “apology” was:
    “Sorry to do this to you and your family so soon after your mother died.” (6 days after her funeral he told me that I was “unattractive – physically and emotionally” and that he loved me only as a “family member”.

    Then when I found out about his whore he told me: “It’s not you, it’s me, I’m the asshole.”

    It’s reaching to even think of these as apologies, but that’s all I got. 18 years of my life given to an entitled, emotionally enmeshed man-child, and that’s it. But you know what? It is him, it’s not me. He is an asshole. Took a long time to believe it.

  • I eventually got some things that vaguely resembled apologies, ALL as part of attempts to hoover. Included;

    ‘I’m sorry I couldn’t communicate well about my unhappiness, but you are so hard to talk to!’ (Because, ya know, when I’ve got my hand around your throat or you’ve discovered I’m cheating for the second time, you’re not the calmest conversationalist.)

    Him: ‘I’m sorry.’
    Me (finally a tiny bit smarter): ‘what for?’
    Him: ‘I’m sorry things didn’t work out for us.’

    And to our at-the-time 12 year old daughter, who has figured out he cheated and is furious.
    Him: ‘I’m sorry.’
    Daughter (already smarter than me!): ‘What for?’
    Him: ‘I’m sorry you got hurt.’

    They do reveal themselves in everything they do, once we stop spackling and projecting our own values and character, and actually LISTEN.

  • The timeline keeps blurring, so I must be getting to Meh. My life with CheaterX fades into the past…

    Anyway, about 10 months after I moved out of the marital home, I got a voicemail message from CheaterX saying that I was right; it was all about the money. This was about 6 months after CheaterX and Schmoopie got married. She was already talking about divorcing him. Then I got the message that he’d give anything–and he meant ANYTHING–to have me and the dogs move back in, and that once the dust from the divorce settled, “we” should sit down and figure out where “we” would go from there.

    Two things: I never told him she was all about the money (but that was really obvious). Also, I felt zero need to respond.

    Several months after that, he sent me voice memos to my work email, saying that he happened to notice on some MRIs that he had Chiari Malformation. This not only explained his headaches, but also led to his developing Disassociative Identity Disorder. Of course, the mental health professionals were telling him that he might be Borderline, but he knew himself better, and this explained everything. The whole meandering memo ended with an impassioned “forgive me.”

    He didn’t own his actions and he didn’t apologize. He did feel entitled to forgiveness.

    I didn’t respond to that correspondence, either.

  • Oh, and I’m forgetting that classic, after he abandoned any pretense at parenting the kids (chose to reduce his time with them to Disney Dad 2x a month for a day and a half), then re-appeared and wanted more time again. The kids were furious at his insistence. He eventually gave them a half-assed apology, then was again raging that things didn’t magically get all fixed by that.

    ‘I apologized!!!! What more do they want????’

    Should definitely have baked him up a batch of bitch cookies at that point.

  • My first sociopath cheater told me in an email, “he hoped we could end as friends, some time to heal, or at least with an understanding on my part how much it has hurt him in knowing that he hurt me.”

    Seriously, What a fucking loser!

    My most recent sociopath who knew all about my last sociopath (Hello, I now understand how I was a prime target to the latest!!!) has never apologized. I don’t expect one either. His entitlement and lack of conscience will trump any apology from him ever and frankly, as I move to meh, I’m okay with that.

    • Yeah, Portia, my ex-boyfriend, shortly after discarding me the last time. wrote to me, ‘I don’t want to talk to you right now (which I interpret as ever based on his history–he was too cowardly even in email to tell me that he planned to permanently block me from all forms of communication.)’ and some mumbo jumbo about time to heal. If he was referring to my healing, then he is seriously into image management, not true compassion. If he was referring to his healing, then he didn’t need much as my replacement was sleeping in his bed while some of my stuff was still at his house. I think that like some toddlers they believe or want to believe fantasies, that we will believe their idiotic excuses and lines and try to convince themselves of these idiotic excuses and lines to maintain their self-respect.

  • Oh, I just remembered an apology I got just yesterday via text:

    “I apologize if I make (guy I am dating) uncomfortable, it is not my intent :-/ He seems really quiet when I’m around”

    My guy is quiet. That’s just part of his personality and it has nothing to do with ex. Actually, I am the one who is uncomfortable with ex being around the guy I am dating because he seems to want to make friends. I find this irritating.

    • UBT: I LOVE that I am intimidating your new guy! And if that’s not what’s happening, I don’t want to know!

      Plus of course ‘we’ll all be friends, and that will show the world that what I did was not a big deal. Plus maybe I can get more kibbles from ChumpInRecovery that way!’

  • D-Day: March
    He moves out: May 2nd
    He comes back around 5 days later telling me: “I’m sorry I hurt you and I do love you”
    I believed him, allowed him to move back in with me believing his desire to wreckonciliation. Turns out, he didn’t have the money to pay the gas company to turn on the gas for his gas water heater for his slut shack.
    The wreckonciliation lasted less than two weeks. I confronted him about his FB friends being strippers, his “likes/followings” included strip clubs and my ex is a psycho, etc. He then declared, “how bout I just come get my shit out of your house, since that’s what you seem to want!?”
    I told him it was clearly what he wanted, and he did, leaving skid marks in my front lawn so deep it took three months to wash out.

    • Fast forward to the following February, almost one year since D-Day. Valentine’s day that year I was getting DD back from him at the gas station and he blew up on me screaming, “fuck you, c*not!!! You only care about yourself!!!” Waving the bird at me. My sin? I parked too far away from him… I was too stunned to reply, I got DD out of there fast.
      Two weeks after that incident, same gas station, he’s all repentant and humble, saying that he wanted DD to have a good life, happy family, so I called him out on his vile behavior two weeks prior.
      He agreed he was “out of line”, then tried to justify it.
      Don’t ask me why, but I then proceeded to call him out for all of his shitty choices and even more shitty character… To which he responded, “Yeah, you’re right, I fucked up, but there’s nothing I can do about it now”
      That’s the closest I’ve ever gotten to an apology.

  • I’ve received a variety of apologies, but none of them included regret. After an apology that sounded close to sincere and close to remorseful, I flat out asked, “But do you regret being unfaithful? Meaning, given the same circumstances, do you wish you would have chosen to act differently, chosen to solve problems differently?”

    His answer, “No. Otherwise, I would have had to divorce you, and I didn’t want to do that.”

    Wow. The saddest part is he didn’t even realize how cold and awful his reply was, didn’t realize that making unilateral decisions about OUR lives was wrong. He thought, and continues to this day to think, he was doing me a favor.

    • Not doing you a favour, SelfRespect, doing one to himself! He didn’t want to divorce, I am sure you were very useful to him, and a good kibble supply. He wanted to eat cake, and keep on eating cake!

    • A few months after D-Day #1, while in quasi-wreckinciliation, I asked my husband if he regretted committing adultery while married to me. He said, ‘No, I learned something about myself.’ And That tried to learn about myself by resting self-help books, meditating. Learning new skills. Never considered committing adultery a mechanism to learning about myself.

  • Let’s see….our marriage was so troubled for so long, I told you I was not happy but you did nothing to fix it, I would have left when our daughter graduated anyway, the OW’s marriage was troubled anyway…I did not help break that up…and the list goes on

  • Apologies galore…why? You can’t have conversations with prostitutes. At least, not the ones he can afford.

    4 years of cards, letters and attempts at reconnection after 17 years of a lying sac of shit asshole mother fucker.

    I do beleive he is sorry. For himself. He aches for familiar conversation and normalcy. The double life worked so well for him.

    I forgive the trespasses against me. A burden lifted.

    My life has improved 1000 fold since DD. There is no living with one so capable of deception that it becomes a lifestyle. Everything in my life improved since that day. Thank God for the reveal. Amen. Amen. Amen.

  • I got a ‘sincere’ apology…it wasn’t my fault and a huge list of things he should change in the marriage. Sounds good right? Except this was 3 1/2 years after d day and I had just found out he had cheated again with the same woman during reconciliation “only once not all the way” and he had only looked her up “a few times” and why was I so worked I’m up over a kiss and a few google search? Then when he realized I was not accepting this and couldn’t move forward after more cheating and countless lies and an obvious still active emotional at the least unfaithfulness the the same
    Woman, all those promises and apologies turned ugly. It became ‘the divorce is ultimately my fault but how you are handling the fall out makes this divorce worth proceeding with’ and the blender blameshift hasn’t stopped. I had to force myself to wait from actions to follow the promises and apologies. The actions never came through. Words can’t win. Only actions proven over time, if at all after unfaithfulness.

  • No apology received here. But there was plenty more mindfucks, lies, gaslighting, blame shifting, projection…

    The Tweaker (STBX) continued to gaslight me by saying the HOworker was just his “neighbor” (because yeah 1 month after he walked out on 14 years of marriage (21 years total together) he happened to move into an apartment a few spots down from her place.

    In some ways I’m thankful he’s never offered an apology. Between the cheating and the drugs I know not one word of it would have been truthful. 15 months out and I still grieve the man I loved.
    But only forward and there have been so many more days that have been filled with joy and love since losing a cheater and gaining a life.

  • My STBX told me:

    – It is possible to be both the perpetrator and the victim.
    – This is very difficult for me. Mistakes were made.
    – I could not have done this (to you) if our marriage was not fatally flawed.

    I look at myself in the mirror every day and tell myself that this was not my fault. Some days, I believe it.

    When you live with someone who “does not make mistakes” for such a long time, it is hard to change your mindset. He didn’t need to apologise, I guess, because in his mind, he didn’t do anything wrong. I was dispensable.

  • Here’s the apology that I got after OW and him broke up for the 50th time…
    “I have always known what I have done, but its getting more and more clear every day how I fucked up and its been killing me inside. I Never want to hurt anyone, and the pain that I have caused you has really affected me, and I am not ok with that. I am working on being a better person and if that means doing anything I can to be nice to you and my son while I can..I will do it. I am not the monster you think I am and it hurts to know you have that feeling towards me. I know we are not friends, but I am not trying to fight with you. You will never know how much I respect you for your past and of course current situation that I put you in! I have cried myself to sleep many nights over what I have done and the regrets are too long to list, but its not about me..its about baby Wes and I will do anything I can for my son. I have fucked up and the way worded it really hit home to me and I am so sorry!”

  • “I hurt the person who was the nicest to me!!!…boohooohoo…I’m a terrible person…boohoohoo.” Well, no shit Sherlock. This was the closest thing I got. All about him, of course. Never directed toward me, never about my pain at all. A lot of theatrics about the pain he caused, but zero empathy, at any time, for mine. I actually think causing me that much pain made him feel important. You know, central, because he brought this up more than once. the weirdest part to me was him calling me “the person who was nicest to me” rather than speaking directly to “the person,” who was, um, ME. I really think cheaters reveal themselves in the language they choose.

  • The only time the word “sorry” was used was when XH said “I’m sorry you found out”. He then went on to fill in details about many women (in a bragging manner). He was definitely not “sorry” about what he had done. He was proud that so many women succumbed to his charms. “You know”, he said “I would never have left you”.

    Just a side note, I have been NC for a long time and am no longer curious about his life. But, the one son who sees him, said to me the other day that he feels sorry for his Dad because he is lonely. I expect that is only because he is between women and am surprised that son would feel sorry for him, knowing what his Dad does.

    So, cheaters can play the poor me card when it suits them, I guess. I’m not part of the picture, so all analyses have ceased.

  • After catching my husband of nearly 9 years (2 kids, my youngest was 10 weeks old) in my own kitchen with a neighbor half his age (while I was home…they thought I was sleeping) I got a text message
    “You must be more hurt and angry than you’ve ever been in your whole life”
    Bitch cookie!

    • Ooooh, lots of kibbles for him if he can make you feel that terrible! Isn’t he IMPORTANT! Isn’t he CENTRAL! Look how the spouse-appliance LOVES ME ME ME ME!

      I hope you are far from him now, C U.

      • Exactly Karen!
        I love how he knew what “I must” have been feeling!
        I’m not as far away from him as I’d like to be but all communication is email only and specifically about the kids. I can’t go n/c because of that but I’m total grey rock. I still receive email temper tantrums but I never respond to them.

    • What a giant piece of shit he is. And I’m sure that’s one high quality schmoopie to fuck around with a married man, with a newborn, in his own house,while they both think his wife is taking a nap.

      • Yes. She is a special kind of whorebag. She is the daughter of (what used to be) close family friends. We celebrated holidays, birthdays and even vacationed together with our families. I had invited her over that night to hang out. She came over with her dad and after I went to bed with the baby, I guess her dad left and she stuck around to fuck my husband. She even asked me before I went to bed if I could babysit her little daughter the next day so she could go get her nails done!
        In the middle of the night, I caught them in my kitchen red handed.
        My asshole husband wouldn’t leave so I packed up the kids and moved in with my parents. That Whorebag moved in with him a week later!

  • From soon to be ex about his two current long term, overlapping affairs: “I regret hurting you, but I don’t regret the wonderful women who I now love and who make me full fulfilled in a way I never have been.”

    No apology from first mistress, though she did reach out once via Facebook to tell me that my husband was sleeping with second mistress.

    Apology from second mistress (who he is living with) via phone: “I am sorry I hurt you. I would love to be a resource for you as you go through this divorce. I’d love to be your friend.”

    • They really are all that shallow with no soul. Learning that narcissists don’t experience/feel love like normal people do, for them it’s through admiration, it starts to make some sort of sense to me. I thought Dr. Cheaterpants and I had a strong marriage, best of friends, unconditional love til we died of old age. Nope, as soon as some dumsel in distress gives him the goo goo eyes with that MD at the end of his name ‘he’s in love’. I really think he thinks that too. He’s not some nasty ole serial cheater in his mind, this is different for him. Two known schmoopies and two suspicious secretaries with gift exchanges and expensive lunches later and I see him for who he is. I’m home base, Plan B, while he goes thrill seeking.

      Two years later and he’s looking pretty miserable but I don’t talk to him. No contact. I guess all that icing is no longer yummy without the cake to balance it.

  • “Mistakes were made. I’d make a bad decision, then I’d feel guilty, then I’d make another bad decision.”

    31 years of ‘bad decisions’, including never telling me about the herpes (he was “too tired” when he’d have an outbreak), multiple affairs, allowing one of the whores and her husband to come to the birthday party I threw for him at our house (they were swingers and her husband knew about everything), taking pornographic pictures of me and videotaping himself having sex with me when I’d had too much to drink (I have to own drinking too much that night; now I know why he always tried to get me drunk when we’d go out…)
    This has been a nightmare. After a couple years of individual and trauma therapy, I can now see through the fog of PTSD enough to realize how disordered he is and I am so very grateful to be out of that marriage.

    • I got the same…
      “ I’m sorry you are dealing with some triggers and I will help” ( unless it’s inconvenuent, or you want to talk about the past, or u expect hearing genuine apology, or you are not talking in kind soft voice)
      Basically … some “ bad stuff happened to you, I’m here to help you deal with it”
      NOT
      I broke your heart, I destroyed our marriage, I almost broke you completely… it’s my fault and I will do anything to ease your pain.

      All good.

  • For me I got endless apologies, but each one was a lie. There were so many lies I actually don’t know what was real or not about our entire relationship. I started to realise that the “apologies” were just a form of abuse, they were used to reel me back in when it looked like I might leave. A big deal was made out of each one: “I’m *really* going to tell you the truth this time!”

    In all honesty I am ashamed of how long it took me to realise the extent of his lies and head games. A year of no contact later and he’s still sending me “apologies” every few months, or trying to reel me back in with the lure of the One True Apology. He’s telling everyone he tried to make apologies and amends to no avail.

    I ignore every single time he attempts to make contact or “apologise” now, I never want to have contact with him ever again, why would I trust the words of someone who uses apologies to abuse? That’s one of the lowest ways to trap someone in an abuse cycle, feigning everything your victim has craved from you so that you can crush them again.

  • I never got a real apology. I still keep getting different versions of, “I always knew you were wrong for me, but I had to marry you…” Whatever, better than fake apologies, I guess. But, during our marriage, my ex was king of the I am sorry but… He could never sincerely apologize without blame shifting. One of the red flags I missed….

    • Like Dr Phil says , when someone says but after a statement it means diregard everything I just said.

  • Found out a few months ago that my perfect Christian father (who we all thought had only been with my mom his whole life) has had around 25 affairs during my 29 years on this earth- starting when I was a baby. After DDay my sisters and I (as well as their husbands) were sent a novel from my Dad blameshifting the failure of his marriage on his adult daughters. Apparently we shouldn’t have taken our Mom’s side- we should have never told her to leave him (after she had to get checked for STDs!) and we’re poisoning our little brothers mind against him (trust me- this teenage boy can put 2 and 2 together on his own). It’s all our fault. Not him, not his new flavor of the month (that he went to Mexico with when all his kids flew over to help put Humpty Dumpty back together again!) but never his! It’s my moms fault for not rolling over and letting him have everything. Cake eaters- so textbook. Save the drama for the OW cuz your family is over it.

    • Hi, My father was (is?) a cheater too. And he needed EXTENSIVE therapy (including a bunch of PTSD stuff and actual, literal brain scans) before he took any responsibility for even the slightest bit of his crap.

      Having a cheater Dad sucks because I grew up thinking my parents had this good relationship and that was what marriage was like. So I ended up marrying a cheater alcoholic too. I caught my father in an affair right after I had my daughter. It was just so much nastiness. He even tried hitting on my friend and neighbour who was young 20s at the time.

      He’s never talked to me about any of it. His mistress freaked out at me because she thought I was another one of his girlfriends trying to get with him. Barf

      • I have the most amazing father and mother in the world.

        But my mom’s dad was a serial cheater who permanently bailed on his wife and my mom when my mom was 16. (This was in 1956) She never saw him again, nor did anyone else in his family.

        Then in roughly 1990, my mom went looking for him. She discovered that he was dead— and this is the interesting part: she discovered that he’d probably continued to have multiple marriages (secret bigamy) and multiple affairs after leaving my mom and my grandmother.

        Even more interesting? She discovered that he died of acute alcoholism and that NO ONE claimed his body. The state of California cremated him.

        My soon to be ex just can’t see that he’s orchestrated his own demise—ultimately all cheaters do in one way or the other. Just like my poor dead totally alone deadbeat fuckwit of a grandfather.

        On a happier note, my grandma had a wonderful second marriage to a good man and my mom, as I mentioned, turned out to be a remarkable person despite everything. She’s turning 78 next week!

    • Hi Blame it, I’m here because I’m a chump. I married someone just like my dad. Both men are very outgoing, funny, charming, life of the party, the ‘good guy’ everyone likes. At home behind closed doors they are grouchy, never happy, entitled, self centered, etc… I was married 20 years, 2 known schmoopies and 2 suspicious secretaries he was either cheating with or grooming. I’m 2 years out from divorce, 2 teenagers, ex is still with the latest young schmoopie because he can’t be alone.

      I now know both my dad and my ex are narcissists. In their minds, they can’t do wrong. It has to be someone elses fault. It’s who they are. I’m so glad you see him in this light and you and your mom/siblings are close and can support each other. Sometimes these narcs are good at convincing kids it was the chumps fault and the chump is alienated from their children too. So utterly devastating.

      I’m sorry for your pain. This is all on your dad and none of it is yours/your mom’s fault.

  • After DDay #lost track, I sent a long email telling him how much he hurt me and our children over the 44 years that we were together. At the end of the email I asked “Why”? His response: “I didn’t think I would get caught”. That’s the full response he gave. Not one word more.
    And later, after a long text telling him all the ways his betrayal, lying and cheating has harmed our kids and me, I got “okay, oldcrone, you made your point”. Full stop.
    This is from a cheater who swears that he loves me and can’t see a future for him without me by his side. According to him, he is a good person who made mistakes. Mistakes that included multiple STDS for me, leaving us for another woman when the kids were young, treating all of us (including our pets) like garbage, having multiple long term affairs, drunken rages, selfish spending, finding f**k buddies on Craigslist (both men and women), inappropriate relationships with coworkers and friends, on and on.
    Just as long as I forgive and forget and don’t press for any expression of remorse, we will be happy together forever.
    Thanks, but no thanks.

  • My apology was, “You know I am sorry.” then he went into if only I would have went out more with him. He thought I did not love him anyway. You did get credit in my name. I must really have a special power I force my STBX to screw my cousin for many years. All cheaters must have a secret book the read out of to try to snow us chumps.

  • 2 years after divorce was final and via text: “I’m sorry that we went down the road that we did”

    Errrr – what road is that? The one where you fucked your 20-something undergraduate student and got her pregnant? And then tried to cram her (“a new adult figure in your life”) down our 16 year old daughter’s throat, telling her “you either accept studentwhore is in my life or I won’t be in your’s”?

    OHHHH, that road? Sorry, but WE did not go down that road.