If you’ve been chumped, either a) you received no apology, or b) you got a really lame apology. The best lame apology you got was sincere and devoid of blameshifting, but it was lame because 99.9 times out of 100 it didn’t come with an iota of recompense. The worst lame apology you got was lame because it was a thinly veiled mindfuck.
“Well we’re HAPPIER now. I know I am, and that’s what matters!”
“I’m sorry, BUT… “(Followed by PowerPoint presentation of your inadequacies that Drove Them to Cheat.)
“Mistakes were made.” (No pronouns, no responsibility!)
Think I’m making this up? Do you read the Universal Bullshit Translator? Here’s a real cheater apology I dissected awhile back on HuffPo:
Ultimately, I don’t regret what I did, though I do deeply regret the hurt I caused. As a result of the affair, and then later, our divorce, my ex gave me the best gift you can give anyone — the opportunity, finally, to find my happiness within myself.
And that’s what matters, chumps — the transgressor’s happiness.
Ultimately, I don’t regret stealing opiates from cancer patients, although I do deeply regret that someone woke up from surgery without painkillers. That must’ve been a bummer. Um… whatever. But hey, that patient gave me the best gift you can give anyone — the opportunity to get high! On hospital grade morphine. The really good shit.
Ultimately, I don’t regret robbing banks, though I do deeply regret duct-taping that bank teller to a chair, holding a gun to her head, and pistol whipping her. It was ill considered. Immature. Selfish. However, as a result of my bank robbery, that heist gave me the best gift you can give anyone — easy money!
Pro tip: If you don’t regret your actions, it’s NOT an apology! You don’t get all the spoils of your affair and get to disassociate yourself from the pain you caused. Because you’re just saying the spoils (your ephemeral “happiness”) were worth hurting someone.
So your Fun Friday challenge, CN, is to share your lame cheater apologies. Bitch cookies to them all! TGIF!
Every time you support Chump Nation on Patreon, a cheater apology belly flops and everyone points and laughs.