Dear Chump Lady,
I decided to leave my husband 5 months ago. Despite wanting to give it yet another fiftieth chance, I decided it was finally time to protect myself, remembering that history shows he’ll never change (despite his pleadings otherwise).
But now, with this new girl, this is the last straw for me — he’s told her everything about his fuck-ups upfront because he wants to “make it work”. He’s never done that before. He’s promising to better himself…for her. He’s promised to break any contacts she asks without question. Allow her access to all his devices, accounts and messages. Keep tabs with her to put her mind at ease. Things he never did for me even with reconciliation. When I requested it always ended in a fight. He got angry, saying it’s an invasion of his privacy and shows I had not worked on trusting him.
But now suddenly he wants to do all those things for her? Right off the bat? No request given? It’s stupid, but I can’t help but feel hurt. I’ve done such a good job at moving past all the other crap… but this one persists.
I know he’s a dirtbag and a liar and selfish and narcissistic. But. This was my “best friend” for 10 years. He knows me inside and out. If he determined I’m not good enough, then it must be true on some levels. Right?
I just was never good enough for that kind of effort.
It creeps its way into my hobbies, my friendships, my workplace, my fitness routine. And especially if there’s even an entertained thought at a new relationship in the future. Everything I do I hear that in the back of my head and it’s all I can do to not give up and say fuck it.
How do I take back control? How can I train my brain not to think this way?
He has a “new girl” — and his best romantic, let-me-impress-you play is “Here’s access to all my devices, accounts, and messages.”
Wow. Way to sweep a lady off her feet. What next? An ankle monitor?
If this is true — he’s offering her a big sheriff’s star to be Relationship Police, and he never gave that star to you — THANK THE SWEET LORD JESUS!
He is NOT A PRIZE! He’s not even pretending to sugar frost his turd. His flagrant turdishness is right there on display and he’s handing the OW the frosting knife. “Want to check my cell phone?” Wink, wink, nudge, nudge? (The burner phone is in his truck.) NO. SANE. PERSON. WANTS. TO. DATE. THIS.
No sane person wants to stay married to it either, which is why you left. Why on earth are you questioning that decision?
He’s told her everything about his fuck-ups upfront because he wants to “make it work”.
You have no idea what he’s told her. He’s goading you into the pick me dance.
And again, even if this were true (and I doubt it is), who LEADS with their serial cheating? If she’s a recent OW, the crazy bitch KNOWS he’s a serial cheater, and she’s already drank the Koolaid that she’s Special and Things Will Be Different for Her. So this Twu Wuv scenario is different than the millions of other stories on this blog… HOW?
Your ex wants to make cake work. In that he is sincere.
He’s never done that before.
No. He didn’t have to make desperate promises to improve, because you were his chump. But now you’ve left him, so he’s got to up his manipulation game a bit.
He’s promising to better himself…for her.
Exploding Ford Pintos are promising to better themselves… for her.
Strains of Ebola virus are promising not to mutate… for her.
Chernobyl is promising not to be radioactive… for her.
He’s promised to break any contacts she asks without question.
Charming. Another romantic evening spent playing “How Short Is My Leash?”
Allow her access to all his devices, accounts and messages.
Followed by the daily frisk and cavity search.
Keep tabs with her to put her mind at ease.
Keep her guessing and off-balance. All the better to mindfuck her into cake submissiveness. Winning!
Things he never did for me even with reconciliation.
He didn’t do those things? You weren’t in reconciliation. And those aren’t the real things anyway. See “postnup” and “credit report.”
When I requested it always ended in a fight.
So how do you imagine this going over with the Schmoopies?
OW: “No, not THAT phone. Your burner phone.”
He got angry, saying it’s an invasion of his privacy and shows I had not worked on trusting him.
You know what’s an invasion of your privacy? Your husband fucking another woman. Yes, because nothing says PRIVATE and EXCLUSIVE like the inclusion of 50 fuckbuddies into your marriage.
He invaded YOU. The person who should be angry here is YOU.
You LEFT. That was sane. He’s just a DARVO mindfuck.
I know he’s a dirtbag and a liar and selfish and narcissistic. But. This was my “best friend” for 10 years.
Do you really want a lying, selfish, narcissistic dirtbag for a best friend? Because I suggest you do better. And let me point out the obvious — you didn’t have a best friend. You had a planet to orbit around. A cold, dark planet. Go explore the remaining universe and discover the alien species of “friends.” They’re nothing like the creatures that dwell on Planet Narcissist.
If he determined I’m not good enough, then it must be true on some levels. Right?
NO. Why are YOU making HIM the final arbiter of your worth? YOU control that. YOU are buying into this idiocy. So own that and STOP DOING IT.
If flaming bags of dog poop don’t find me “enough”? Hallelujah! I don’t set my worth by flaming bags of dog poop.
Go back and read from “HE IS NOT A PRIZE” and work your way down the paragraph again until it sinks in.
KitFoxx, you have a classic Trust That He Sucks problem. He really sucks, but you have to believe it. I can’t convince you of it. If you don’t believe me, head into the ring for Round 51, and see how that works out. Ask yourself — do you WANT to be marriage police? Really?
There’s no good man at the end of that tether. There’s a mindfucking, serial cheating bastard. Please, let go of the rope. No contact is the path to truth and light. Quit talking to him. I promise your self-worth will become more evident with time.