Hey Chump Lady,
A Belgian man met me in 2017 and told me he was leaving his wife of 25 years and wanted to “change his life” by moving to the states. He love bombed me for 3 months and took me to an emotional place that was total bliss.
CHUMP I WAS!!!
Turns out he was a serial cheater; I was mistress number 11; he LOVED cake and would do anything to enjoy his cake.
I feel like a total chump. BUT my question for CN is about his wife.
He told me in graphic detail:
She suspected him 23 years ago (in a 25 yr marriage).
He was scared to death that she would find out. That means: SHE KNEW IN HER HEART that he was a piece of shit cheater.
Yet — SHE STAYED.
She stayed and posted on her 6 social media sites that he was “my dear husband and honest”.
Has anyone in CN met a woman who knows in her heart that she’s married to a rotten liar, and stays, FOR 25 YEARS?
Who is this woman?
(High Value High Status woman)
Any person of actual high value doesn’t date a man with a spouse. People with actual status (which I’ll define as integrity, not a Gucci purse) have enough intelligence to twig that new acquaintances don’t abandon and immigrate for our fabulousness.
How exactly did that conversation go? “Lovely to meet you. I’m chucking my wife of 25 years and changing my life. You wouldn’t happen to want to sponsor me for citizenship?”
Anyway, I’m sure it was total bliss. Must’ve been a real kick in the teeth to realize you were number 11 in the rotating cast of soul mates.
You aren’t a chump, you’re an idiot. There’s a difference. As I seem to have to point out to Other Women daily, being lied to by a cheater doesn’t make you a chump — not knowing you were investing in a CHEATER makes you a chump. You knew he was married. His wife didn’t know you existed. This is not a level playing field.
Oh right, but she KNEW IN HER HEART he was a cheater! Does that make you feel better? Does it absolve you of some inchoate, undeveloped, icky guilt feelings? Well, she knew. Ergo it’s okay to fuck her husband.
No, she did not know. As you yourself point out, he was terrified that she might discover his cheating. Why would he be terrified for her to find out something she already KNEW? He enjoyed cake. And cheaters maintain cake by mindfucking chumps. Let’s spell that out more clearly — cheaters maintain cake by ABUSING chumps — gaslighting them, blameshifting the cheater’s shitty actions on to the chump’s inadequacies, risking the chump’s health, making unilateral decisions about their health, welfare, and children’s home life.
You, on the other hand, simply learned you weren’t special.
Do OW get mindfucked? Sure. But the harm here isn’t equivalent. Your mindfuckery is that you’re fabulous. So fabulous he’s going to leave his wife for you! Until he doesn’t. You don’t have a 25 year investment, a mortgage, or children. You don’t have in-laws, you didn’t stand in a church and swear forever in front of your entire family, you don’t have a quarter century of shared holidays and pension funds. You don’t have shit. You have the seductive notion that you’re Amazing and Better Than The Chump, who so richly deserves abandonment because she fails to be as Amazing As You.
Why do you care what she does or thinks on social media? Enjoying the pick me dance, are you? Why would she swear her husband is honest? Because he mindfucks her daily telling her he is. Because she wants to believe it. Because she’s probably unwittingly engaged in the pick me dance with a phantom. She thinks the phantom is her failings, that she must improve upon — when really the phantom is YOU. Perhaps she feels if she publicly swears fealty to her cheater he will bless her with his attention. Attention that seems to wander a lot.
Why does she STAY? Because she’s invested. Has she had a D-Day, or merely suspicions of one? I don’t know, and you don’t know either because all your information comes from a known liar. In any case, it’s none of your goddamn business what she does. And it’s certainly not your place to get some contact high of superiority off her suffering.
You want to help a bitch out? Contact her with some hard, cold evidence and out your affair. Apologize. Then she won’t know in her “heart” he’s a cheater, she’ll have actual FACTS that he’s a cheater.
What she does with that evidence is her business. She might chase unicorns. She might dump him. But at least she won’t be in the dark, which is where he’s kept her, and you’ve kept her — aiding and abetting in her abuse.
Who is this woman?
I’d ask yourself that.