Fear, You Don’t Own Me

We answered a letter from Trapped this week, afraid to leave her cheating husband, and a lot of the wonderful, supportive comments from CN were about overcoming fear — that giant wall of pain that stops chumps in their tracks. GO NO FURTHER OR I WILL DESTROY YOU! says the wall. Mighty chumps go forward anyway.

My wall said things like “Failure is not an option!” As if this shit show were my failure? I wasn’t fucking randos and an OW I’d known since the Reagan administration.

My wall said “No one will ever love you again.” Hey wall? I wasn’t loved then. However, I was loved by a lot of other people who weren’t a singular cheating fuckwit. As for romantic love, Fear was way off-base there too.

My wall said, “YOU WILL HARM YOUR CHILD if you divorce again!” Actually, it was just the opposite. My son thrived without the chaos and conflict. When I was at peace, I was a better parent, more focused on him. Later, when I married Mr. CL, he finally got two invested parents who love him, and a good role model for what healthy relationships and good men look like.

What did your wall say to you? And how did you get past it?

We’re all about singing walls here at CN, not walls of fear.

TGIF!

Subscribe
Notify of

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

266 Comments
Oldest
Newest Most Voted
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Rebecca
Rebecca
5 years ago

My wall only said “fuck you” to my cheater and the AP!

My kids and I pushed and pulled each other over that damn wall – found the other side said Tuesday.

Idle hands
Idle hands
5 years ago
Reply to  Rebecca

Love this!!! Way to start us off with a bang!

feelingit
feelingit
5 years ago
Reply to  Idle hands

To all newbies, my first wall said You must do everything possible to try and save your marriage for the sake of your children so you know you did everything you could.

The second wall said You have already given everything you could for the the sake of your marriage for 26 years, and he lied and cheated, time to take care of yourself and get the hell out of Dodge!

TheFooledTwiceDad
TheFooledTwiceDad
5 years ago
Reply to  feelingit

Thank you @feelingit. My wall is currently telling me both of these things although I’ve been fighting for a year (DD#1 was May 2017). My wife claims she finally realizes the error of her ways. Why should I give her another chance? “Because that’s what a loving, supporting husband does,” says my wall (and my religion). It’s really hard not to listen to that wall!

InLoveWithBoth
InLoveWithBoth
5 years ago

Sadly, we don’t stop cheating. We just get better at hiding it. This isn’t something done to intentionally hurt those around us. It’s who we are. If you feel you have never sinned and are better than those of us who enjoy having the attention of more than one person, than get out of your current situation.

chumpnomore6
chumpnomore6
5 years ago
Reply to  InLoveWithBoth

” This isn’t something done to intentionally hurt those around us.”

Crap. Shitbags like you know *exactly* what you’re doing, and you don’t give a toss who you hurt, your wife/husband/children, it’s all about *you* and what makes *you* feel good. To hell with everyone else. Creeps like you have no character, integrity, or moral compass. You stink to high heaven.

” It’s who we are.”

Got that right. And what you are is an empty space where your character should be, filled with me, me, me.

”If you feel you have never sinned and are better than those of us who enjoy having the attention of more than one person…”

People who enjoy having the attention of more than one person have no business getting married and making promises. But then, it isn’t about that, really, it’s about eating cake, and getting off on the thrill of deceiving the person who trusts and loves you. You and your ilk make me vomit.

” …get out of your current situation.”

That’s what this site is all about, leave a cheater, gain a life. Fuck off and die you useless pathetic piece of dogshit.

Soldiering On
Soldiering On
5 years ago

My little ol’ Okie Mama told me once (more than once, actually) “Can’t Never Did Do Nuthin'”.

The moral of this story is if you don’t try you won’t succeed. If you try, you might fail, but you will at least have tried.

The way out is the way through.

myachump
myachump
5 years ago
Reply to  Soldiering On

“The moral of this story is if you don’t try you won’t succeed. If you try, you might fail, but you will at least have tried.”

This is a great reminder, thanks @Soldiering-On!

ChumpDiva
ChumpDiva
5 years ago
Reply to  Soldiering On

Okay, so I heard this phrase a few times while I was growing up and I had Not.One.Clue. What it meant. NOW I do! Thanks!

ForgeOn!
ForgeOn!
5 years ago
Reply to  Soldiering On

Soldiering On, Thanks for sharing that piece of wisdom from your wise Mom. I had never heard that saying. Takes a while for some of us to get that thru our thick, chumpy skulls!

Winston Churchill is credited with this one I repeat frequently: “When going thru Hell, KEEP going!”

Love to all as we ForgeOn!

Alexandra
Alexandra
5 years ago
Reply to  ForgeOn!

I used that phrase as a mantra while I was swimming through this bullshit.

Hearmeroar
Hearmeroar
5 years ago
Reply to  Alexandra

Along with the FU on my wall, a line from Shashank Redemption is most fitting that I “…crawled through a river of shit and came out clean on the other side.”

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
5 years ago

My wall said “I’m a failure and it’s YOUR fault!”

This was yelled in my ear so loudly my ear drum kept buzzing for minutes.

When questioned about this and how I was responsible, sparkledick said I was crazy, that he never said this.

NotMyFault
NotMyFault
5 years ago
Reply to  ClearWaters

Mine said that he never graduated from college because “I made fun of him”. I actually drove him to night classes and visited my mom while there. He also later denied ever saying this! I have lived a whole life of crazy.

Carol
Carol
5 years ago
Reply to  ClearWaters

Mine blamed me for everything also and I just said ENOUGH! I served him at work!

David2016
David2016
5 years ago
Reply to  Carol

Oh, man, the blaming. One time my XW got into a car accident (with our baby in the backseat). She’d rear-ended someone. I immediately drove to the scene, whereupon in the middle of the road, as I stood there holding our crying baby, she blamed me. It was my fault. Why? Because she was distracted thinking about something I’d said that upset her. Unreal. BIG red flag in hindsight. Everything was ALWAYS my fault (or someone else’s, but usually my), no matter how far-fetched.

Trying for Mighty
Trying for Mighty
5 years ago
Reply to  ClearWaters

My husband said this to me, too. “No wonder I’m fat. No wonder I can’t write. It’s [Trying’s] fault.”

Canyoufeelthemehtonight
Canyoufeelthemehtonight
5 years ago

STBXH blamed me for him not going faster at Ironman triathlon, since I didn’t push him enough athletically (OW is a personal trainer). They’re so full of sh*t aren’t they?

Vastra
Vastra
5 years ago

My ex was overweight because of me too. Nothing to do with the junk food he bought elsewhere, or the many times he declined to join my gym or come running with me.

cheaterssuck
cheaterssuck
5 years ago

My wall wanted to know “how I would be sure I wouldn’t find another cheater” I told that wall I’d take the chance because the one thing I knew for sure was if I stayed with him, I would be staying with a cheater. It took 3 years of wreckconciliation to figure out that I was much better off ending the dance with the devil I knew. 4 years later and I knew it was the best decision of my adult life.

Smart Woman
Smart Woman
5 years ago

Ending a marriage, not something I’d ever have done. I’d have been unhappy for the rest of my life rather than cause the children any pain. The youngest is over 30! OMG thank goodness he left me I’d have never climbed over that wall. But now I know I should have long ago, life is so much better on the other side!

JerseyChump
JerseyChump
5 years ago
Reply to  Smart Woman

Yup. Me too.
I feel so stupid about that and paradoxically grateful to have been ‘left’, bagged, abandoned, discarded like a gum wrapper on the ground.
The divorce was every bit as dreadful as I feared it would be and 100 times worse than I ever knew it could be. I still feel horribly for my daughters and what he put them/us through, and think I will forever grapple with the belief deep down that I failed them. It would have been mightier if I’d left, but with the mindfucking I was taking on all fronts, I just don’t know if I ever would have. I struggle with that and adjusting to a world I feel thrust into against my will that is still unfamiliar and frankly scary to me. But it’s a new day and a new life with all the shackles and excuses behind me and I’m starting to be able to see the road ahead of me that was obscured by all the dysfunctional bullshit before. I feel released. From generations of this crap holding the women in my family prisoners and rippling out endless waves of dysfunction and pain. I’m forging a new road for my daughters – the wall is behind me forever. I don’t gotta givafuk what it said.

my.walls.will.sing
my.walls.will.sing
5 years ago
Reply to  JerseyChump

Jersey Chump –

Even though I’m the one who kicked him out and had him served with divorce papers, I can relate to you feeling like a discarded wrapper. His years of a secret life and cheating left me feeling like he discarded not just me, but our kids as well. The walls that kept me trying to save the marriage for five years after finding out about his secret life were many. The road past those walls has not been a fairy tale or a fast journey. Six years out, I have sold my house, gone to grad school (only 11 months left!), and had to re-adjust to a life of limited money. It has been hard beyond words, but is an honest life with a true path towards a secure future. I waited over three years to date, but have found joy and meaning in a new relationship. I have amazing relationships with both of my grown kids, and even a new grandson (that the cheating fucktard doesn’t even know exists)! Life looks different, it is hard, but I would never go back to being with a cheater because of all the walls in my head. Our sunny tomorrows don’t come fast or easy, but they are out there!!

Paintwidow
Paintwidow
5 years ago
Reply to  Smart Woman

Smart Woman,
My sister said if she ever saw my ex she said that after she got done telling him what a piece of shit he is, she would of thanked him for leaving me. She said “ I’d thank him for leaving, because you never would of left him”
She’s right, bug now I’m so glad I’m out of that.

JWH
JWH
5 years ago

My wall said, “He’s already neglected the children and one almost drowned when he had them for a weekend – why take the risk?”

cashmere
cashmere
5 years ago

Wall says: he will fuck with you endlessly, humiliate you, and make leaving rough

I say: And this is different how? STFU, wall.

Beth
Beth
5 years ago
Reply to  cashmere

Ha! Love this Cashmere! You are mighty!! <3

ICanSeeTheMehComing!
ICanSeeTheMehComing!
5 years ago

There is an old movie that I highly recommend: Shirley Valentine. It is about a 42-year old woman who starts talking to the wall in her kitchen about the life she might’ve had… this is a quote from it:

Shirley: I’ve led such a little life. And even that will be over pretty soon. I have…allowed myself to lead this little life when inside me there was so much more. And it’s all gone unused. And now it never will be. Why do we get all this life if we don’t ever use it? Why do we get all these…feelings…and dreams and hopes…if we don’t ever use them. That’s where Shirley Valentine disappeared to. She got lost in all this unused life.

To me, that is the essence of what fear produces… an unused life.

Fear wanted me to give Mr. Sparkles a divorce settlement when I had a pre-nup that said he gets nothing.

Fear wanted me to accept 50/50 custody when I knew Mr. Sparkles just wanted a reduced child support payment, not our son.

Fear wanted me to believe I couldn’t be a single mom at 49 raising a third grader.

Fear still wants me to believe I will never meet someone special to share my life with me.

But I’ve said it before and I’ll say it now: FEAR IS A LIAR.

If you’re still stuck with your cheater, do something about it. Take one small step. You are stronger than you know and you have Chump Nation with you.

Beth
Beth
5 years ago

My evil ex MIL actually recommended that movie to me years ago. One of the few things she got right. 😀

NoMoreNarcs
NoMoreNarcs
5 years ago

“FEAR IS A LIAR”

This is my new favorite T-shirt

Tempest
Tempest
5 years ago

Love your whole post, ICSTMC!

Especially this, “To me, that is the essence of what fear produces… an unused life.”

ICanSeeTheMehComing!
ICanSeeTheMehComing!
5 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Thanks, Tempest… your daily strength is my inspiration.

MamaMeh
MamaMeh
5 years ago

Yes indeed. Perfect. Just perfect.

I listened to a song – an album – 15 years ago when my 3 yo daughter was killed in an accident. I had not listened for a long long time – had forgotten both song and album name – and I’m not even especially into Sinead O’Connor. I’m listening again.

The album is called Faith & Courage, and the song, The Healing Room. First line:
I have a universe inside me.

We can heal ourselves, just have faith we have all we need inside us. Well, most of it – and what we don’t have, we find here at CN <3

ICanSeeTheMehComing!
ICanSeeTheMehComing!
5 years ago
Reply to  MamaMeh

We can and we do MamaMeh… blessings to you <3

Lyn
Lyn
5 years ago
Reply to  MamaMeh

Here’s a song called “Fear is a liar” that really resonates with me: https://youtu.be/1srs1YoTVzs

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
5 years ago
Reply to  Lyn

Made me cry, that song. Fear is a liar and Depression lies. Don’t give up, never back down, live like there is no tomorrow

ICanSeeTheMehComing!
ICanSeeTheMehComing!
5 years ago
Reply to  Lyn

YES – THIS SONG!

When my world exploded I found that every song on the radio reminded me of what I had/was losing/etc…. so I switched to a station called KLOVE… every song is positive and uplifting… every song is about hope… every song is about getting stronger every day… 4 years out and I still listen to it (and my son sings along!)

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
5 years ago
Reply to  Lyn

Love this ^

RockStarWife
RockStarWife
5 years ago
Reply to  MamaMeh

Mama Meh,
I am sorry about the loss of your daughter. You sound incredibly strong.

MamaMeh
MamaMeh
5 years ago
Reply to  RockStarWife

Thank you rockstarwife. Aren’t we all here at CN??? Well, strong sometimes and when we’re not – the others are picking us up off the ground x

brandib
brandib
5 years ago

I love this! Thank you, it’s perfect!!

Lost 220# Deadweight
Lost 220# Deadweight
5 years ago

In my kitchen I had a post it note that said “To heal a wound you need to stop touching it”.

On my phone: DO NOT RE-ENGAGE, Good girl

In my bedroom I had a sheet of paper on my wall that said: Strong women don’t allow a man to hop from woman to woman, aren’t afraid to ask direct questions and are able to let go of the rope. I literally just threw that away last week after moving 2 1/2 years after the Shitstorm started.

Sometimes we need regular reminders to do what we need to do or believe we are amazing and worthy….. especially since our idiots did so much to demonstrate that we weren’t amazing and worthy. Don’t believe that… it’s all lies to keep you stuck and paralyzed. Get unstuck and push forward, however slowly.

Traveling the World
Traveling the World
5 years ago

“To heal a wound you need to stop touching it”. Nice 🙂 . As our parents used to say: “don’t pick at it, it won’t heal.”

Goaheadand jump
Goaheadand jump
5 years ago

I picked the wound today after not picking for months! Oh I’m sad and feeling the pain…. I knew better. It was that fucking hopium! Where is MEH!!! My new mantra “don’t pick”

wonderwoman
wonderwoman
5 years ago

It’s ok Jump. I picked at that wound for 1-1/2 years. As time goes by picking at it is less appealing and actually starts to become a gross thought.

Lost 220# Deadweight
Lost 220# Deadweight
5 years ago

I picked for months…. finally got to the point where I’d reward myself by maintaining NC. My therapist asked me to write down what I hope for when I communicate, what he gets out of it, and my feelings when I have contact. In the end, it was based on my own insecurities and ended up feeding his narcissist needs of wanting to matter.

Forgive yourself for the set back and next time you think about re-engaging, have 100 other things you will do first. Trust he’s a shitbag and you don’t want to smell like shit right? Nah, we throw shit away. It stinks and can make us sick.

ChumpYOU,MoFo
ChumpYOU,MoFo
5 years ago

My wall disintegrated once I found out he was cheating. All the bullshit and crap I was living with made sense suddenly, and I knew I wasn’t going to stick around for more of this. We were together 18 years, had 3 kids, and I did the lions share of everything – made the money, managed the household, the majority of the parenting, and as the years went on and the responsibilities increased around me I felt overwhelmed and crushed. When I asked him for help, even really basic things like learn to drive so he could take the children places without me, it didn’t happen. The last year, when he was cheating, he did even less, which I didn’t think was possible. I didn’t know what was going on but I knew something was seriously wrong in my relationship.

Finding out about the affair was a weight off my shoulders. Initially, at least, then that weight came crashing back down on my head with the whole reality of the situation – it isn’t easy to go through, or handle everything that comes along with separation and divorce. But I said then This will suck but I’ll get through it. I KNEW that leaving was the only option for me. We did a pseudo reconciliation for a week or two, but he was still in contact with her, so I said forget it.

Deciding to really just DO IT was like going through a wall from a futuristic movie – one of those ones that they walk through the wall and with a pop and ring of blue fire they’re in a new reality. It appeared solid and real but it was so easy to walk through and enter the new world. It was the decision to do so that was hard.

For me, I’d been making that decision over the past few years in my subconscious mind, so I didn’t have to mull over it too long when I found out about the cheating. I’d already been thinking it over and wishing things were different. Now they can be. Maybe not the different I’d dreamed of, where he stepped up and acted like a responsible member of the family, but one where I don’t have to deal with his bullshit any longer.

I’m one year out and getting to Meh. I feel it stronger every day. I have so many other things in my life to do, to take care of – my children, my cats, my self, my business. I feel stronger without him and calmer. (sometimes the kids ruin the calm…) I don’t know if I’ll ever meet anyone else, I hope so, but I know I’m not ready yet. I know Meh isn’t attained when I see a photo of him with her, but the irritation is tinged with pity, that these two idiots are trying to make a life together, but it’s not my problem in the end. One of my mantras through this whole thing has been from a Public Enemy song, “Flava Flav’s got problems of his own.” Not that I usually identify with Flava Flav, but it’s a good reminder that I don’t need to deal with his problems any longer.

My other song mantra was “My Shot” from Hamilton, because his cheating was my shot to get out and have a better life going forward. I wish I had left him a long time ago, but it never felt like I had a real reason to – what, he didn’t do enough housework? I’m vaguely unhappy? It felt so selfish, and unfair to the children. I should have left him, or he should have left me, but that didn’t happen. He also didn’t put in any effort to make things better. Cheating gave me a reason to pull the trigger and get out. I was not throwing away my shot.

Maybell
Maybell
5 years ago
Reply to  ChumpYOU,MoFo

“Finding out about the affair was a weight off my shoulders.”

This. When he confessed (getting in front of the OW’s baby daddy outing him) he promised counseling and every other stupid thing… my first thought was “Good. Now we can finally fix this shitty marriage.” And I remember paying attention to how surprised I was to have that thought as he was talking. (After he finished talking, he said, “would you like to watch Colbert?” And we sat back together watching tv while I processed everything he’d just told me and tried to figure out what I should do. Sorry to say I didn’t throw him out straight away but I didn’t let him off the hook either, so it was 8 months of misery while I came to the understanding of who he really is and always has been.

Fear, literally, in the first couple of months had me sobbing in my bed wondering how I was going to learn to do things like buy my own car insurance. Guess how much a non-event that was when it happened?

Then fear said I wouldn’t find someone to love me, and that I wouldn’t have time for a new relationship, with three children at home. I’m two years into a new relationship and it’s going really well.

Then fear said I wouldn’t find a career that I enjoyed that could support me, that after all the years at home I was unemployable, but that’s not true either, though it’s been a process getting myself where I want to be.

Fear can slow me down, but as long as I realize that I’m pretty much like everyone else — no less capable, beautiful, lovable, caring, imaginative, determined, or smart than most other people — then there’s no reason to let fear determine anything else about my life, as long as I stop and notice that the glass walls I sometimes bump into are just fear.

MamaMeh
MamaMeh
5 years ago
Reply to  ChumpYOU,MoFo

They’re such fucking children

Trying for Mighty
Trying for Mighty
5 years ago
Reply to  ChumpYOU,MoFo

Tell it, sister! You have described my exact reality and process.

susan devlin
susan devlin
5 years ago

You have to believe in yourself, you cant control someone else, the doubting voice may always be there. You didn’t cheat, there will be others that don’t cheat, maintain your boundaries.

So Done!
So Done!
5 years ago

My wall said, “But he’s a good father” and “You have no one else”.

It also said, and this is embarrassing, that I would never be able to be naked in front of anyone else because of my “mum tum” and breasts that sagged from years of breastfeeding, and I would have to give up sex for life at the age of 34. That last part was how brainwashed I had become in terms of my value based on his constant verbal abuse. It took me a bit to normalize my thinking and belief system again.

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
5 years ago
Reply to  So Done!

Thanks for sharing! Don’t be embarrassed. Cheater x was all about appearance to so I can completely relate.

We are more than just pieces and parts! You are worthy of love.

Alexandra
Alexandra
5 years ago

Here’s right where my wall is.

Sunflower36
Sunflower36
5 years ago

My wall convinced me during that marriage that he was the better parent, that I was a lousy wife, that I was so lucky to have found him, that he was authentic and genuine and the real deal.

That wall was never sound or solid. It’s been crumbling continuously and The only thing keeping it up were the massive patch and spackle jobs that **I** did to keep it together.

Eventually, I could keep up with the patches and the wall crumbled despite my efforts and yet I still believed it to be sound… it’s still kept me prisoner even though I could have easily stepped over it if It had occurred to me to do so… until one day, I couldn’t deny it’s powerlessness over me. It didn’t care if I stayed with the boundaries…it no longer had any use for me…. and like the slave I was to it, I faced the terrifying prospect of freedom.

Doingme
Doingme
5 years ago
Reply to  Sunflower36

Love this sunflower!

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
5 years ago
Reply to  Doingme

I agree.

Sunflower36
Sunflower36
5 years ago
Reply to  Sunflower36

And freedom was a much bigger obstacle. The lack of a wall made me feel unsafe.

I’ve been anchored to unworthy husbands for 30 of my 50 years, and being set free from that last anchor made me feel aimless, overwhelmed, alone…

Thing is that I’d already been all of that all those years, and didn’t realize it because spackling kept me with the wall I could see in front of my face. I was alone the whole time, with my face staring at a crumbling wall of safety and marriage and my back turned to the vast and terrifying void that freedom offered.

AmazonChump
AmazonChump
5 years ago
Reply to  Sunflower36

My sister said to me, “What are you afraid of?!” I said, “I’m afraid of being alone.” “She replied, “You’re alone now!” It took someone else peering in to make me see things for what they were. I will always be grateful for my beloved family and friends.

OptionNoMore
OptionNoMore
5 years ago
Reply to  AmazonChump

Wow! This one hit me. For the years that I yearned for a deeper connection with my husband. I wanted something more passionate and primal, whether it was in the depth of feeling for each other or in the bedroom. It just never seemed to happen, except for the occasional glimpses. I wondered if I was expecting too much. That led to increased dissatisfaction over the lack of deep, deep connection, which lead to more complaining and criticizing on my part.

The realization that I was already alone is startling. His physically leaving was not when he actually left. He left already a few years ago when he fostered a relationship with one of the mom’s at the kids’ school. An emotional attachment to her began. She ended the friendship when she realized that he actually wanted something more after he tried to kiss her. I just learned all this from her recently when I asked her if anything had ever happened between the two of them (still trying to do detective work to understand how far back his behaviour went).

I too am/was afraid of being alone, but I realize that I already was.

Groundhog Day
Groundhog Day
5 years ago
Reply to  OptionNoMore

Ugh, this SO hits home with me. The yearning for something deeper, more primal. I thought we had it when we first married 14 years ago, but then came the multiple affairs. How could we keep up that connection when he was mentally/physically somewhere else? And how on earth could I hope to regain that when the trust was broken again and again and again. It’s like a part of me died each time I learned of a new offense. And then, like a domestic violence victim, I was reeled back in because he gave me some of the attention, affection and love that I longed for and he had been holding back from me during thise periods. I was love-starved but didn’t realize what a pathetic cycle I got into. I am only now, for the first time, taking a step back and really trying to see things for what they are and not what I want them to be. This board is saving my sanity. I realize I am NOT crazy or asking for too much to want all of these things in a committed relationship. I’m going to be 40 and the thought of spending another ten years like this scares me to my core. My relationship has NEVER been the same after all of this emotional abuse. My husband is so convincing and sorry and devastated each time. Like he cannot understand what is wrong with him and how he could do this to his soulmate and yet, he.keeps.doing.it.

I am tired of being the anchor and the chump. I feel like I’ve lost all of my courage even though I was always such a strong, independent-minded woman. These abuses eat away at your self-esteem so insidiously that you become the person you had always pitied. I am working on finding my voice again and my decisiveness. What is it about a cheating partner that makes you so damn indecisive? For me, I think it was always feeling like something was wrong and never quite being able to put my finger on it. It was this gut feeling that something was off all of the time and so it made me question my self all of the time. Living with a cheating partner puts your head into such a crazy space where you question your own sanity or you spend your time checking up on them and always wondering if they are telling you the truth. How can that be an authentic life?

I think my lucky stars that chump lady had an article on Huffington Post otherwise I never would’ve known about this valuable resource or book. Previously I spent my energy on “affair proofing” my marriage (ha!) and other BS like that! As my dad told me, a person is either true blue or they’re not. If I want to continue in my marriage it’s going to be an open marriage whether I know it or not. No thanks!

Sunflower36
Sunflower36
5 years ago
Reply to  OptionNoMore

Are you sure she’s being truthful?

unicornomore
unicornomore
5 years ago

Well, unlike you fine people, I believed my wall…I believed:

“Stay and keep hoping he will do better someday”
No, he was never “better” I lived a 7 year wreckonciliation and he was awful

“If you leave, where will your (needy, faltering) adult children go?”
It took a while for them to get their adult bearings but they eventually found thier ways

“A divorce and annulment will take SO long, you would miss out on love from him during that time”
He told me in 2005 that he didnt love me and wanted a divorce. A divorce and annulment would have taken 4-5 years 2010 came and went an I was still stuck with a cheater who didnt love me.

“The WORST thing that could possibly happen is if he leaves for OW, short of that, I will be fine”
OOOOH was I WRONG about this !! NO, the worst thing was to stay with a person who didnt love me

Patsy
Patsy
5 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

Well said UNM. Hugs to you, my triumphant friend.

I am way, way less lonely now than when I lived with someone who did not love me.

He on the other hand, is deeply lonely.

Eilonwy
Eilonwy
5 years ago

My wall was pretty mouthy–it had lots of way to frighten and demean me (much like my EX).

My wall said:

This is your fault.
If you leave, you will be a failure.
It will harm your children to come from a “broken” home.
You will have to share custody and there will be no way to protect the kids when they are with him.
You aren’t being compassionate or patient enough.
Smart women can solve problems. If you can’t solve this one, you must be stupid.
He will try to ruin your reputation at your job and with your friends with packs of lies.
You cannot financially afford this.
You don’t even know how to go about getting a divorce. You’ll do it wrong.

The best part about kicking down, climbing over, or tunneling under the wall, is that those words will not frighten as much when you hit other walls (as is virtually inevitable in life).

MidlifeBlast
MidlifeBlast
5 years ago

My wall was really fucked up. It was a pseudo-logical thinker.

It said, “women create children, you are past the age of creating children, what is the point of you? The person you created children with, doesn’t give a shit about you, you are worthless”

I clearly have hang ups about the whole reproduction thing. I was already in a ‘‘tis about menopause before all this happened. Saying that, my wall is a bit of a barstard.

I’d love some counter arguments from any of CN ❤️❤️

Lola Granola
Lola Granola
5 years ago
Reply to  MidlifeBlast

Sometimes religious types can hit you with this kind of shit.

I am a religious type myself, and I hit right back: “Mrs Noah went on the Ark. She was the only ‘sterile’ thing on it, but she didn’t get left behind to drown. She had value, even though she was past having kids to repopulate the earth.”

Stunned silence.

Works every time. And the more fundamentalist they are, the better it works.

MidlifeBlast
MidlifeBlast
5 years ago
Reply to  Lola Granola

Awesome. I love a bit of religious questioning, I went very religious after this, but a sort of judgmental to myself kind. Not a very productive type

Chumpiness
Chumpiness
5 years ago
Reply to  MidlifeBlast

Oprah Winfrey.

Gloria Steinam.

Sonya Sotameyer.

They all said to tell your wall to take a hike.

P. s. Angela Merkel was too busy to reply, and Pema Chodren was working on another book….

midlifeBlast
midlifeBlast
5 years ago
Reply to  Chumpiness

Love it

Trying for Mighty
Trying for Mighty
5 years ago
Reply to  MidlifeBlast

How about this? Women create. Women create children, families, communities. Women are creative. We cook, we sew, we garden. We write, we paint, we quilt, we sculpt. Creating children–procreating–is only one of our creative endeavors.

MotherChumper99
MotherChumper99
5 years ago

Additionally, we women create killer legal briefs that convince judges to give justice, we create amazing novels that open up new worlds, we create new technologies that make lives better; we create new hips and knees and hearts and lungs when we perform orthopedic surgeries, we create hope and inspiration when we give sermons in churches and temples, we create when we write and negotiate for and pass new laws, we create when we teach students a new idea or skill……the list is endless. ❤️❤️❤️

Groundhog Day
Groundhog Day
5 years ago

Yes!

MidlifeBlast
MidlifeBlast
5 years ago

Ah how lovely ❤️

KarenE
KarenE
5 years ago
Reply to  MidlifeBlast

The only value of a woman is in creating children? Once she can’t do that anymore, she’s worthless? Unless some man validates her further existence? OUCH!

One of the most helpful things when our mind is lying to us like that is to think about whether you would EVER tell someone else, especially someone you cared about, that thing you are telling yourself.

I am sure you would tell someone else that EVERY human life has value. It’s what we make of it.

And maybe you need to figure out where that terrible belief comes from. Was this what your family taught you? Or are you buying into our crazy culture that says only young and beautiful are valuable? Did your cheater tell you or imply that? And did you believe him???

What are YOUR values? What do YOU think makes for a worthwhile life, above and beyond making babies? When you look at other people, what do YOU value in them?

Then go live YOUR values!

MidlifeBlast
MidlifeBlast
5 years ago
Reply to  KarenE

Karen, this strange way of thinking came from me and was firmly in my head as an early adult. And no, it’s not rational, it’s stupid, we’re not breeding machines, that would make us more worthless. And you would NEVER EVER TELL ANYONE ELSE THAT, I can’t imagine anything so awful, thank you for that viewpoint, I like it. I’m sure my issues led me to settle for such a poor specimen of a human in the first place.

Lyn I’ve no doubt you’re a hot mama, hold your head up and NWHI he sounds like an idiot, prob won’t be able to keep up with parent duties and what sort of woman would throw away her 20’s on a slobbery old man – yuck, poor her. Both of you – Embrace your lovely new freedom, sexiness and independence. ❤️❤️❤️

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
5 years ago
Reply to  KarenE

I relate to this too because cheater x chose an OW in her twenties and got her pregnant. We already had two kids, and I had a procedure after the youngest so I was done.

I thought I had given him everything, but she gave him a boy. I hadn’t done that.

My childbearing days were over. Done. Gone. But when I had decided that 15 years ago, it felt right. So no regrets. IMHO, no man in his 60’s should still be having children anyway. He sucks. Not me.

Lyn
Lyn
5 years ago
Reply to  KarenE

MidlifeBlast, I understand your feelings. When you’ve been married for 30+ years to someone who seems to value sexuality above all else, it makes you feel worthless when you get older and they lose interest. It’s amazing when you get out of that situation and start dating again. I remember the first time someone told me they thought I was sexy. I couldn’t believe it! I’d been criticized so much for my lack of “sexiness” over the years that I’d completely shut down.

StartofSomethingGood
StartofSomethingGood
5 years ago

My wall said:
1. “You’ll be on the poverty line within 2 years.”
(An actual stat for most single mothers with a special needs child)

I have a thriving business, own my own home and my daughter is happy and healthy!

2. “No one will ever love you.”
(I’m still waiting for a second chance at love)

But I’m fixing my picker, enjoying my freedom, loving and working on myself. I couldn’t be more grateful to God and CN. Because I know my worth!

AlOutofKibble
AlOutofKibble
5 years ago

My wall spoke similar falsehoods, that I would be jobless and destitute and lose my child because of it.
I made 1/3 of Narkles the Clown’s income.Yet, somehow, here I am, still in my house, paying it off myself, so my son has stability. I have a good job with good benefits, a paid off car, and enough money to buy what we need, all on 25% of what I used to live on. I used to stress about how to pay the bills, and now I don’t worry about it. I am even starting to save a bit of money , even a $100 a month for emergencies is more than I had before. That’s how expensive having a whore was. All the money spent mirroring and chasing and impressing. And she never did leave her rich husband for him. Ha!

RockStarWife
RockStarWife
5 years ago

Good for you, Start of Something Good, for helping your business and your daughter thrive! May I ask what type of business you run and what is your professional background?

One of my kids has special needs, and, in a way, I am that ‘welfare mother.’ (My kids have received free lunches at school for a couple of years.) And contrary to popular belief, this (quasi)’welfare mother’ works full-time year-round.

StartofSomethingGood
StartofSomethingGood
5 years ago
Reply to  RockStarWife

Hi RSF,
I’m a school teacher by trade but only taught a total of 5 months in the classroom right after I graduated. I have my own residential cleaning company. I started off small. Just me for about ten years and just hired a staff last year. Cleaning is minimal training, minimal start up and there’s always business because there’s always people living in houses. I would be happy to give you more info. If CL can connect us or a moderator. You can thrive on your own with a special needs child. Not just survive. But thrive!

NewDayDawning
NewDayDawning
5 years ago

Hey there. Can someone connect us? I too would really like to hear how you started your own cleaning business. I’ve just started a new job after many years at home, and am surrounded by mean, bitchy, power hungry ladies. I can’t deal with that crap when I am feeling so broken inside going through a divorce. But I need a way to pay my rent.

RockStarWife
RockStarWife
5 years ago

SSG,
I would love to hear mlre about your experience as an entrepreneur! I think that Tempest can connect us.

Yesshesucks
Yesshesucks
5 years ago

I, literally, told my counselor once “Failure is not an option.” Countless times my wall said I was unlovable (still working on that one). The other big one was (and to a lesser degree still is), “you need to take care of her.” No, wall, I don’t. She’s a grown woman and her choices and emotions are hers. Not mine. I can only control me.

TheFooledTwiceDad
TheFooledTwiceDad
5 years ago
Reply to  Yesshesucks

@yesshesucks, my vows still tell me “I need to take care of her.” That was my duty. To sort it out my therapist keeps reminding me of the intention of those vows, which is mutual respect and keeping the other person’s best interests in mind (same with better or worse, you are supposed to be a team). Cheating is the complete opposite of that.

Yesshesucks
Yesshesucks
5 years ago

Thanks, I really appreciate your comments. Yes, the lack of reciprocity and partnership was a thing. I’m not at a place of actual acceptance with my vows being void though (but I get the argument that they are). I feel like the tree in the Giving Tree. I thought that’s what made me a good husband. Turns out it’s what made me a chump …

TheFooledTwiceDad
TheFooledTwiceDad
5 years ago
Reply to  Yesshesucks

You aren’t alone; I’m still struggling with my vows too. I love the Giving Tree analog. Same here. My wife actually told me I gave her too much freedom. I thought I was being supportive and loving. I also trusted her. Apparently that was my mistake.

Yesshesucks
Yesshesucks
5 years ago

It’s good to know I’m not alone in struggling with vows, etc. My STBXW apologized for “being a shitty person” but wouldn’t stop her hurtful behavior. She acknowledged being selfish, and that I didn’t deserve what was happening, but refused to change. How could anyone do that to someone they once loved? Some friends don’t get why I think she never loved me (in hindsight). This is why. And I still miss her. The loneliness is excruciating.

Chumperchipcookie
Chumperchipcookie
5 years ago

I inched over that wall little by little. My ex wanted to come back home and every day I said no, all while desperately wanting him back. I reminded myself that my pain was just fear leaving my body, and it was true. I found CL’s blog. I am so grateful I had the strength to stop the madness because my life is now peaceful.

Cindy
Cindy
5 years ago

I found this a while back and love it:

When he told you you’re not good enough
When he told you you’re not right
When he told you you’re not strong enough
To put up a good fight
When he told you you’re not worthy
When he told you you’re not loved
When he told you you’re not beautiful
That you’ll never be enough
Fear, he is a liar
He will take your breath
Stop you in your steps
Fear he is a liar
He will rob your rest
Steal your happiness
Cast your fear in the fire
‘Cause fear he is a liar
When he told you were troubled
You’ll forever be alone
When he told you you should run away
You’ll never find a home
When he told you you were dirty
And you should be ashamed
When he told you you could be the one
That grace could never change
Fear he is a liar
He will take your breath
Stop you in your steps
Fear he is a liar
He will rob your rest
Steal your happiness
Cast your fear in the fire
‘Cause fear he is a liar
Let Your fire fall and cast out all my fears
Let Your fire fall Your love is all I feel
Let Your fire fall and cast out all my fears
Let Your fire fall Your love is all I feel
Let Your fire fall and cast out all my fears
Let Your fire fall Your love is all I feel
Oh, let Your fire fall and cast out all my fears
Let Your fire fall Your love is all I feel
Oh, fear he is a liar
He will take your breath
Stop you in your steps
Fear he is a liar
He will rob your rest
Steal your happiness
Cast your fear in the fire
‘Cause fear he is a liar
‘Cause fear he is a liar

Berenike
Berenike
5 years ago
Reply to  Cindy

This is great! Love the words.

Lyn
Lyn
5 years ago
Reply to  Cindy

I love this song. It resonates with me too. It’s so true.

CrushedChump
CrushedChump
5 years ago
Reply to  Cindy

YES CINDY!!! YES!!!! This song has literally saved my life during this hell. I have been having suicidal thoughts daily for a while, which is so unlike me, as I am usually little miss eternal sunshine, no matter how tough things get. But the daily behavior of my cheating hubby: “I love you, and we have the best marriage of anyone I know” alternating with “I am so conflicted and confused, but I need to do this, (leave you and the kids for a lying, manipulative, married whore.)” . “This will all be good for all of us in the end”. With days of passionate kisses (Sunday) alternated with days where he won’t even speak to me and spends hours texting the OW (Yesterday), has me so messed up that my counselor makes me check in daily. This song keeps me from doing something very bad!
Fear is a Liar by Zach Williams
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1srs1YoTVzs

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
5 years ago
Reply to  CrushedChump

My ex was like that early on. He would act like he cared about keeping our marriage in tact one day only to thoroughly reject me and state that our continuing to be together was impossible the next. Eventually I realized it was two steps away, one step back and that it was making me an emotional wreck. If his actions are making you suicidal, it is definitely time for you to give up on him because he isn’t worthy of you. Once I figured this out healing began. It is still a slow process and you will continue to have bad days but the general trend will be up and out. You can do this.

NewDayDawning
NewDayDawning
5 years ago

Mine did this too. One day he was all in-committed, a few days later it was “I am divorcing you”. Literally on and off like a light switch for a number of months. One day I figured out it was 100% deliberate and that he was ENJOYING it. It was cruel, emotional abuse at its finest. They really are the scum of the earth.

CrushedChump
CrushedChump
5 years ago
Reply to  CrushedChump

Here is the link to the video which is very powerful!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1srs1YoTVzs

Doingme
Doingme
5 years ago
Reply to  CrushedChump

CrushedChump

What you described, the duplicity of being strung along while he professed his love is by far one of the most crushing aspects.

It’s becsuse some, the most malignant in my opinion, do not use words to devalue as the song Cindy posted. It’s subtle, everpresent devaluation through mannerisms and actions.

The Limited did it through looking at other women. He never said you aren’t beautiful, or good enough, he spoke with his eyes. It was his WAY of devaluation.

When I look back I know it was always deliberate. The small put downs were never direct, always subtle.

The discard with this type is brutal because they’ve in fact mirrored your good qualities for years.

You’ll make it Crushed and get your identity and very soul back. It’s scary for a while. Fight for yourself. Hugs.

RockStarWife
RockStarWife
5 years ago
Reply to  CrushedChump

Crushed Chump,
You are not alone. I know the crushing the depression, the life with and without an ambivalent, passive-aggressive narc.

Beth
Beth
5 years ago
Reply to  CrushedChump

Great song and video. Thanks for posting the link.

MamaMeh
MamaMeh
5 years ago
Reply to  Cindy

Brilliant. Sounds like lyrics?

ddame23
ddame23
5 years ago

My wall said, “your son deserves a two parent home.”
“Divorcing would be admitting failure to the world.”
“Your relationship is no more than you deserve.”
“No one wants a middle aged mom with a young child.”
“You can’t support yourself and your son on your pay.”
“You can’t maintain a home by yourself.”
“He keeps threatening suicide if you leave, do you really want that on your conscience?”
“Who will take care of him when his mental illness flares up, after all you did promise in sickness and in health; better or worse.”

All of this kept me stuck for 3 years after my D-Days. All of it felt true in the moment. All of it was false.

Eilonwy
Eilonwy
5 years ago
Reply to  ddame23

I think your wall was probably connected to my wall. I’m glad you stopped listening to it!

Breathing
Breathing
5 years ago

My wall said, “You can’t support yourself so you’d be homeless. Better to suck it up than hurt the kids. I never want them to go through what I did with my own parents’ divorce. I don’t want to lose my beloved home or break up the family. No one else would ever want me.” Well, he left me (for the OW, but refused to move out for two years). Turns out my imagination wasn’t good enough. I’m not homeless (yet) but it all turned out a hundred times worse than I imagined. I hate that our kids were traumatized and lost so much, and one blamed ME so much he now lives with his dad. Yet the freedom now is priceless.

NewDayDawning
NewDayDawning
5 years ago
Reply to  Breathing

Breathing, you make a good point. The reality is that sometimes, not always, but sometimes, one of our walls can be right, or even worse than right. It sucks big time, and it hurts. But I think the freedom from abuse, and adultery is worth it. It doesn’t guarantee all our children will come over to the other side with us, but we cant stay a prisoner of a lie for their sake, because it is not only lying to them as well, but keeping them a prisoner in the world of lies too. At least now you are on the other side, separate and complete away from the Liar, there is a clear distinction between you and him, and one day even the child that has chosen the wrong side may wake up and see why that great divide is there.

For me the reality of working in physically arduous jobs that pay little, and cause me depression is very real and was a wall that was true. I have also been homeless since the seperation, that was a wall I didn’t see coming. BUT, I have faith and hope that these walls, although they do exist for real, can be overcome and God willing will one day no longer exist. I’m working on using all the righteous anger over the Adulterers lies and actions, to push me forward to fight these walls down, and the strength that Jesus Christ give me every day when I pray for it.

Mary
Mary
5 years ago
Reply to  Breathing

My kids are doing worse than I imagined, too…

The only comfort I have is to remind myself that I did NOT do this to them. He did. He cheated the last 10 years, not me. He moved out of our house and in with the OW before papers were filed. He sat the kids down and told them about the affairs. He then continued to practce adultery right in front of them by constantly calling and texting his mistresses. He tried to get the kids to meet him and the OW for dinner pre-divorce so that SHE didn’t feel left out. He abandoned the kids. Not me. He’s the one that lied for years. Not me. He’s the one that puts his sex life (he’s really into sex clubs with the OW) before the kids— and the older ones know it. Not me. He’s the one that shattered our family. Not me.

I see him as cancer or a car wreck with a drunk driver or a tornado….or some other uncontrollable horrific act that I never thought would happen to me. But here’s the key: I have no control over these things. I cannot stop cancer. I cannot stop car wrecks. I cannot calm the forces of nature. He did this to us, to me and these perfect beautiful kids that we have. He gave us cancer. He drove a cement truck into our car. He is the tornado that leveled our house.

My job? Pick up the pieces and show my kids how to navigate the horrible things that life gives us.

I also have no desire to “grieve” the loss of a 27 year long marriage or grieve the future I had planned. Grieving is too hard. I’m tired of being told by well-meaning friends that it will hurt. Like no duh. I’m living it!!

So this is the way I’m now trying to approach it: Does anyone grieve the end of cancer? Does anyone grieve the fact that the car wreck is over? Does anyone mourn when the tornado finally spins out and dies?

So no, I don’t want to grieve. He blew us up into tiny little pieces, completely against my will. My job is to try and put us back together… I just want the sun to get here already.

chumpchick
chumpchick
5 years ago

My wall said “He has said he was so sorry, so you will forgive and believe him.”

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
5 years ago
Reply to  chumpchick

Well, I listened to my wall on that since I was more afraid of divorce. I really thought forgiveness and taking him back was the right thing to do. But he abused that gift and saw it as a license to do whatever he wanted. Again and again. At DD4, I found CN and my mighty and filed. I told that wall to STFU.

QueenMother
QueenMother
5 years ago

Wallie-Wall said:

“You let him into the country and introduced him to the faith community. If you leave him, he will ravage the community.”

He already was. I divorced him and he was booted out of the community. Hit the road Jack. And don’t ya come back no more.

Attie
Attie
5 years ago

My wall said that yeah he was spending us into incredible debt but I couldn’t afford to lose his salary and stay solvent. What a joke that was. Once he was gone I got the debts refinanced, the house refinanced and with no Twat spending us into bankruptcy I lead a comfortable life financially on half the income. I was worried sick I would have to declare bankruptcy because here in France I was responsible even if they were his debts. I was worried about the administrative side of getting out of that marriage intact but you know – one step at a time I got out, paid off the debts and he can no longer ruin my or my kids’ lives! He’s just fucking up his and schmoopie’s now!

NewDayDawning
NewDayDawning
5 years ago
Reply to  Attie

Isn’t it great to be on the outside watching them ruin their own lives instead of ours!

Traveling the World
Traveling the World
5 years ago

My wall of fear said:
“You’ll never find anyone else.”
“You’ll be broke, and forking over thousands of dollars a year to that cheater.”
“You’ll see your kids only part of the time.”

A month later, my singing wall said:
“There are plenty of good women in the world. You’ll find somebody eventually. In the meantime, it’s better to be by yourself and content than with someone who makes you hate life.”
“So, you have less money and you’ve had to tighten your belt…so what? There are worse fates in life, like living without self-respect or being miserable.”
“The kids know which parent is in the right, and they know how much Dad loves them.”
“You’re so much better off without her. No more worrying about where she is, or who she’s with. Good riddance.”

Trying for Mighty
Trying for Mighty
5 years ago

My wall said, “You have no worth of your own and aren’t lovable unless you are serving your husband and your family.” My wall said, “You’ve never been unpartnered; you aren’t enough on your own.” My wall– and my stbx–said, “The state of your (our) marriage is your fault.” My wall said, “If you leave your marriage you will have failed and will make clear what a lousy woman you are.” My wall said, “You will die alone and lonely.” My wall said, “How will you manage financially?”
Construction on my wall started way back when I was a child growing up in an abusive household in which my father sexually abused me and physically and verbally abused my mother. I lived in the shadow of that wall for 64 years.
I dreamed of demolishing that wall my entire life; plans for the demolition of that wall started the day I decided I’d had enough; actual demolition started the day I said “I want a divorce, I’ve already seen a lawyer, and I’m moving out in 11 days.”

NewDayDawning
NewDayDawning
5 years ago

You are awesome and an inspiration!

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
5 years ago

Mighty! Some of us take a long time to tear down the wall built in an abusive childhood. But we learn. We act. We change. We tear down the wall.

AmazonChump
AmazonChump
5 years ago

“Mr. Gorbachev. Tear down this wall!”

KarenE
KarenE
5 years ago

Trying, you have officially reached MIGHTY!

Lady B
Lady B
5 years ago

Like they say when the pain of leaving is less than staying you will know. Your story is very much like mine.

Phoenix Rising
Phoenix Rising
5 years ago

My wall said what it said to my mother & grandmother, ‘you stay because, that’s what women do!’ & we put up with half lives, went without, lied to, abused mentally & financially & lived with the contraints of the generational patriarchy that we were bred into. My wall was fear of others knowing that my whole life was a sham so, i spackled until he ran off with the OW. Best thing he ever did was leave albeit on his sons 6th Birthday but, that’s another story!

Geode
Geode
5 years ago
Reply to  Phoenix Rising

My wall was built solid with the shame of “losing” my second husband 5 years after the first and reinforced by the mindfu—ing “sex addict” branch of the RIC. Therapy with Sandra Browns group and reading the works of Martha Stout and Bill Eddy broke down that wall with a simple insight: due to growing up with an abusive alcoholic father, my picker is broken.

Alexandra
Alexandra
5 years ago
Reply to  Geode

The sex-addict RIC is just brutal.

Brutal and dancing on so many ways.

I’m years out from it but I have not recovered.

Geode
Geode
5 years ago
Reply to  Alexandra

Created by a “sex addict” to aide and abet other “sex addicts.”

Sending a hug for healing Alexandra.

Geode
Geode
5 years ago
Reply to  Geode

But first I give credit to my oldest friend, who was reading Martha Stouts book and thought “this sounds just like Geode’s husband.” She’s been my rock since.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
5 years ago
Reply to  Phoenix Rising

I wrote the same thing below (I’m reading from the bottom up, LOL). It was a half life.

Lady B
Lady B
5 years ago
Reply to  Phoenix Rising

Half lives,, yes. I have been thinking about this the past few days, the way women put their needs aside. I couldn’t articulate it but living a ‘half life’ is so fitting, thanks

Tempest
Tempest
5 years ago

My wall said, “NO MORE.”

It was my answer to the voice that asked, “How much self respect do you want to give up to stay in this marriage?” when I found the condoms and notes preparing him for a sexual harassment hearing in Hannibal’s computer bag.

And then I scaled the wall, one painful foothold after another.

Attie
Attie
5 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

I had so much going for me until I met him and – being an inadequate dick – he did everything to bring me down to his level. Almost succeeded too. You nailed it by saying how much self respect I lost.

nomoreskankboy
nomoreskankboy
5 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Tempest…yep! There is where my name comes from NO MORE, Skankboy!

My walls said, “I have been down this road before with exh, I survived, I will survive again!

Oh, and “FUCK HIM!”

Chumpdownunder
Chumpdownunder
5 years ago

My wall said you can’t look after yourself. What if my cancer comes back, who will look after you?

NewDayDawning
NewDayDawning
5 years ago
Reply to  Chumpdownunder

Chumpdownunder, I feel ya. I had the same fear, and not going to lie, still do sometimes. Some of his favourite lines was screaming at me…”you will have no one to go to the hospital with you when you get sick!!” (I had a lot of complications after the cancer surgeries), as well as “you will die alone on your deathbed!!” Then I remember what a prick he used to be to me when I got sick or had to go to hospital. If I was sick and my voice sounded the slightest bit annoyed and him physically hurting me when moving me, he would spit “help yourself then!” and sit down with his arms crossed, scowling at me refusing to help me anymore (this was when I couldn’t move off the bed.) Or the time he refused to say he loved me more than his mother and made me cry, while I was laying on a bed waiting to be taken for a cat scan because they thought the cancer had spread to my liver, or the many, many times I would be in heaps of pain, or just out of hospital, and his limit for me calling out for help was 2 times, after that I got the gruff, annoyed, ‘you are such a problem’ treatment.

Writing this out helps me remember there are worse things than being alone and having cancer. Heck even the nurses and doctors who don’t know us from a bar of soap show us more kindness.

Berenike
Berenike
5 years ago
Reply to  Chumpdownunder

(((HUGS Chumpdownunder )))

AmazonChump
AmazonChump
5 years ago

My wall said, “Not everything you love is good for you.”

AmazonChump
AmazonChump
5 years ago
Reply to  AmazonChump

Actually, the wall I constructed as a barrier to the dick said, “Not everything you love is good for you.” That’s when I finally started to break free.

Zell
Zell
5 years ago

My wall was about fear of what a divorce would do to my daughter and what being without my daughter 50% of the time would do to me. I worried about her safety and her stability. I was the main caretaker of my daughter and my cheating wife- cooking, cleaning, taking care of the house, keeping schedules on time for practices and events. Who exactly would I be now without being that person.

Got beyond the first by reading Chumplady’s perspective and from my own therapist about how kids can now at least have a normal household environment 50% of the time and have something to compare against the dysfunction of the other 50%. Increase their chance of being normal by showing them a standard that you don’t allow yourself to be taken advantage of and cheated on by someone. They will be a strong ethical person as an adult.

As for the second- Still working on figuring all that out.

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
5 years ago
Reply to  Zell

And it can still be more than 50% if you show up for all of her school events, sports events, academic competitions, etc. You might have to share with you loser ex from across the room at those times, but if it is a public venue she can’t keep you away.

Sirchumpalot
Sirchumpalot
5 years ago
Reply to  Zell

I understand your lost of purpose. I was the main caretaker of my children also. I also am struggling with all the down time. But I volunteer at church, ride my bike, try to be involved as much in their lives, reaching out to friends, etc. It is getting better, but I miss that part of life. My kids are teenagers. So I don’t have much time left with them. Enjoy the time you do spend with them. It helps knowing you are not alone in this struggle.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
5 years ago
Reply to  Zell

Ah, Zell. You use that 50% downtime to fix your picker and heal. Remember that kiddos inevitably grow up and leave us. That’s the job of being a parent. From the time they can stand up and walk, they start moving away from dependency. That doesn’t mean it isn’t hard or painful. But keep it in perspective. And it may well be that Cheater will get tired of single parenting and kiddo will be back full-time, once she can choose.

chumpnomore6
chumpnomore6
5 years ago

I needed that post today ! Extraordinary how CL posts something that really resonates on a day when I’m feeling terrified and alone.

Funnily enough, my wall has acted the opposite; On d day I was determined to divorce the pos, my wall said I wasn’t going to live with that shit and his lies and disrespect, that I would cope, etc etc.

*I* started the divorce proceedings, and fucktard made things as difficult as possible, not replying to solicitor’s letters, emails etc, not signing things, on and on.

But today I got an email from my solicitor, saying amongst other things fucktard has signed the sales agreement, and has said he’ll come to collect his belongings from the boxes outside on 5th July, ”he requests that I not be there.”

So today my wall is telling me I can’t cope, he doesn’t love me and never did, and I am so scared about the future, what my life will be like.

So completely fucked up, when it was me who took the initiative ! I don’t understand myself, or my wall. 🙁

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
5 years ago
Reply to  chumpnomore6

You did what CL tells us to do. You got out of the burning house. Now you are morning the house. That too shall pass, albeit slowly and with many ups and downs along the way. You will feel better tomorrow.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
5 years ago
Reply to  chumpnomore6

Whatever you do, make sure the house is secure when he comes to get his stuff. Someone needs to be there.

As for “he never loved me,” the problem is that he can’t love as you mean that term. He can’t do fidelity, kindness, compassion, integrity. He can’t face difficulty without lies and disrespect and cheating. In other words, he doesn’t operate on your level. So he’s not for you.

ChumpYOU,MoFo
ChumpYOU,MoFo
5 years ago
Reply to  chumpnomore6

It’s not a straight line over the wall! I have days..weeks..months?.. where I feel like shit and have all of those thoughts you wrote pinging around my brain, undermining me. It’s normal. I would guess everyone has them. They’re just rushing you because you’re scared. And it’s okay to be scared. But you probably will be okay. Change is hard, change is scary, change can be good too. I let myself be scared, then take a deep breath and talk to the scared me, talk her off the ledge of fear. Remind her of all the things she’s done already, and can continue to do.

Even when you take the initiative it sucks – I would love to feel that he loved me and wanted me, but it’s not going to happen. It makes me feel like shit. I don’t know what my life will be like, but it will be better than what it was.

RockStarWife
RockStarWife
5 years ago
Reply to  ChumpYOU,MoFo

Thank you for sharing–the idea of talking to the scared me is helpful.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
5 years ago
Reply to  ChumpYOU,MoFo

And let’s think about what ChumpYOU just said: “Change is hard, change is scary….”

That’s a major reason why waiting for a cheater to change is useless. They don’t do hard and scary. That’s what Chumps do, take on the hard job of raising our game.

ChumpYOU,MoFo
ChumpYOU,MoFo
5 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

THAT is such a good point.

Laughing Gator
Laughing Gator
5 years ago

My wall’s message was painted by my ex which was “No one will Ever love you” !

I later realized that she never loved me but since I’m now married to a woman who does love me, that wall and message was BS.

SlinkyRacoon
SlinkyRacoon
5 years ago
Reply to  Laughing Gator

Yes! So immobilized by fear that I would have a Scarlet D, like this is the goddamn 1850s or something. No one cares. They see someone who tried and who was strong enough to climb that wall and say I am important. It’s a beautiful thing to be on the other side. What was I so afraid of?

Laughing Gator
Laughing Gator
5 years ago
Reply to  SlinkyRacoon

Cluster Bs use fear as a major tool in their arsenal.

It’s just part of their manipulation and gaslighting routine to keep the poor chump under control.
I wish now that I had smashed that wall with a sledgehammer when it first started to be built instead that wall kept me penned in and I stayed with an abusive cluster B for 16 years.

Jodi Lynch
Jodi Lynch
5 years ago

My wall said ~ he must be going thru a mid life crisis or something. Christ, I’ve been his best friend for over 30 years and he begged me to marry him 7 times … OMG! I’ve got to be there for him.

My wall said ~ yeah, he admitted to the affair with the Circus Clown but then he said he ended it with her because it was wrong. But my heart said, yeah but he also filed for divorce from you.

My wall said ~ surely he won’t sign the divorce papers, he will realize what you mean to him and come out of this ~ just hang on a bit longer. But my heart sank when the divorce papers arrived.

My wall said ~ you’re alone and in your 60’s and have no future.

I told my wall ~ Fuck you ~ I may not have a future but I have a NOW!

QueenMother
QueenMother
5 years ago
Reply to  Jodi Lynch

Thanks Jodi

Your candid sharing helps me.

TorontoChump
TorontoChump
5 years ago

My wall said, it’s your fault and if only you work harder, you will be able to turn this ship around. Well, maybe that’s true but I tried and tried and tried and tried; nothing could stop ex from cheating. My wall said, you’ll be single and lonely for the rest of your life. Yup, I haven’t so much as kissed a man for close to a decade and many days I am so lonely for adult company that I cry…but this is still better than the agony of being married to a cheater.

RockStarWife
RockStarWife
5 years ago
Reply to  TorontoChump

Toronto Chump,
I am sorry that you are lonely. (I am, too.) I admire you for your positive attitude and fortitude.

TorontoChump
TorontoChump
5 years ago
Reply to  RockStarWife

Thanks, sweet RSW. I look around me at loving couples and picture how different my life could be as half of a strong, happy partnership. But I also know I have the tendency to idealise others’ situations and I am grateful for the many, many blessings I have been given. Finding contentment anywhere I can, and holding onto it with both hands, is now my goal. I send you warm hugs.

RockStarWife
RockStarWife
5 years ago
Reply to  TorontoChump

Toronto,
Your thoughts sound very much like mine. I hope that you fully enjoy all the beauty (sights, sounds, experiences) of the world–you deserve it!

BowTie
BowTie
5 years ago

My wall was built of blocks of hope cemented together by a mortar of pride, duty and love. It was regularly reinforced by mixed messages from Mme YogaPants many of which were echos of what were undoubtedly my own wishes bouncing off that wall since generally she was silent and opaque about where she was headed.

There was also a trench of despair that I had to cross first before I could even deal with the wall that was my inability to see a life that didn’t involve her. That led me to the brink of suicide on 3 occasions.

I got over the trench by seeing that there was a light on the other side. Not a light of a new relationship – still not there yet – but a light that showed me that I could be enough for myself without her.

The wall crumbled over time as it became plain that the powers of duty and pride were not enough to hold it up on their own. I pulled it down after one episode where it became clear to me that she was not experiencing doubt about her path but that I was a backup plan and nothing more.

I then hopped into my boat and crossed my own Rubicon and am working on finding my own way on the Far Short.

There is still a lot of rubble around and I trip over it from time to time but it’s getting better. I am grateful for the many who helped me navigate my path and lifted me up when I stumbled.

And yes – I think in images a lot.

BT

Zell
Zell
5 years ago
Reply to  BowTie

inspiring post. Thank you.

Eilonwy
Eilonwy
5 years ago
Reply to  BowTie

I love your images! This one particularly resonated with me, “cemented together by a mortar of pride, duty and love.”

Eleanor E Vallone
Eleanor E Vallone
5 years ago

I just love you, Chump Lady. Your husband and child are so very lucky to have you. Keep that torch lit for the rest of us muddling through this mess. We need you.

Got-a-brain
Got-a-brain
5 years ago

One thing I’ve learned is… fear is exhausting!
It also provokes anxiety.

I was walking into my child’s football game and started having a panic attack. That’s when I secretly started seeing a therapist for my “crazy”. Turns out, that “crazy” was my intuition sounding alarm bells. 2 weeks later I found out about my spouses infidelity (though he’d been cheating with porn for years and I was just crazy and jealous).

“Intuition might send any of several messengers to get your attention, and because they differ according to urgency, it is good to know the ranking. The intuitive signal of the highest order, the one with the greatest urgency, is fear; accordingly, it should always be listened to (more on that in chapter 15). The next level is apprehension, then suspicion, then hesitation, doubt, gut feelings, hunches and curiosity. There are also nagging feelings, persistent thoughts, physical sensations, wonder, and anxiety.”

“the appropriateness of our response is relative to the behavior that provoked it.” ~ The Gift of Fear

“Another strategy used is called typecasting. A man labels a woman in some slightly critical way, hoping she’ll feel compelled to prove that his opinion is not accurate.” ~ The Gift of Fear

I think a lot of chumps fall into this for fear of being “controlling, crazy, jealous,” etc. At least I know I did! It’s what kept me running on the hamster wheel.

“Typecasting always involves a slight insult, and usually one that is easy to refute. But since it is the response itself that the typecaster seeks, the defense is silence, acting as if the words weren’t even spoken.” ~ The Gift of Fear

Fear isn’t a bad thing if you listen to what it’s telling you. Of course the problem is misunderstanding what it’s trying to say. As I chump I let typecasting make my fear about a flaw in myself, not realizing it was trying to warn me to protect myself, not blame myself!

-“what if I really am crazy!”
-“what if I am wrong!”
– “what if (fill in the blank)!”

My ex is super skilled at typecasting, and he uses it as an ongoing part of my denigration to anyone who will listen and “be open minded to the truth” (because someone not open minded won’t listen).

He knows they’ll “understand because they are very intuitive people!” All part and parcel for the smear campaign and people play right into it.

LilyInTheForest
LilyInTheForest
5 years ago
Reply to  Got-a-brain

“What if I really am crazy”

I am so lucky the gaslighting worked so well I asked my doctor to refer me to a psychiatrist, some months before DDay.
I find myself sometimes still reading the psychiatrist’s conclusion: I am perfectly normal, just under a lot of pressure. The situation should improve with less work and some marriage counselling. Lolololol.

Leavealyingloser
Leavealyingloser
5 years ago
Reply to  Got-a-brain

I am someone who has been “typecast” as crazy for years.
But, is it illegal to be crazy? No.
I say be as crazy as you want.
My x used it as a veiled threat.
I’m not scared anymore though.
He has proved himself to be far more of a loose cannon.
That crazy thing only works so long.
Its just another tool in their bag of tricks.

Leavealyingloser
Leavealyingloser
5 years ago

And why can no one stand the threat of “not being open minded.”
That is one of those cliches that seems to bring everyone to their knees.
Like someone calling you chicken.
These people are not open minded. Their mind is so.incredibly. small.
Who cares what they think.

QueenMother
QueenMother
5 years ago

Now that we Chumps understand what’s behind the mask, can we be sources of wisdom in our communities?

Say someone says that bullshit to us (they will “understand because they are very intuitive people!”), and with our knowing ways, we say: “Cut the bullshit, Cheater. I’m telling _________________ what you’re up to.”

I’ve started doing this. At school, whiny, divorcing co-teacher caught us up on the proceedings. I straight up asked him, “Did you cheat?” He said, “I plead the 5th.” (And for a data-point, yah, the karma bus hit him. Only a few months out from divorce, and he’s filing for bankruptcy.)

Doingme
Doingme
5 years ago

My wall told me I was strong and resilient. I could get past the cheating.
It told me to believe there was no one else I could love as much as I loved him. It told me that if I was thinner, looked more attractive and gave more he wouldn’t have cheated.

I got over it first by seeing a kick ass therapist who said he was a narcissist and I needed to divorce him or it would kill me. When he asked me what I wanted to work on, I told him I wanted to know how to stop loving him.

Believing came next. I couldn’t imagine he was in fact a narcissist. My father was a raging narcissist and the Limited was nothing like that; he was just the opposite.
My therapist suggested finding a blog rather than getting revenge. I found Lady With A Truck and the light came on after reading about the three phases of a narcissistic relationship. That cycle defined thirty six years of my marriage and the five years we dated.

It wasn’t until I found Chump Lady that the wall began to crumble. I found my tribe, foot soldiers and warriors.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
5 years ago
Reply to  Doingme

Lady with A Truck! She saved me too! Learning about the three phases of a narcissistic relationship changed everything. And I learned that a jackass doesn’t need a diagnosis. If you have cycled through those phases, he’s acting like a narcissist. Enough said.

Doingme
Doingme
5 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

So true LAJ; they don’t need a diagnosis. As we know few who will ever take responsibility for their actions.

It came to the point the cycles were predictable. Once is enough! What I didn’t mention in my post was that he is a covert narcissist, a malignant one to the core.

LadyStrange
LadyStrange
5 years ago

My wall said:

-He’s an alcoholic. If something would just happen – he’d realize he needs to stop drinking and come out of the fog.
-I’m going to lose my beautiful house in which I have spent so much time, energy and money on keeping it a ‘home.’
-I’m going to lose all my beautiful gardens in which I have spent so much time, energy and money on keeping them gorgeus
-I’ll be scraping by
-I’ll be single forever cuz all the ‘good ones’ are taken
-I’ll be single forever cuz I’m 46 and overweight

Actuality is:
-He is PROUD to be an alcoholic and even after lab tests showing he’s on the verge of liver problems, he doesn’t care. Life is no fun without beer….. He will never change.
-I bought a *new* house. One that I am able to update on my own without having someone criticizing my choice in decor.
-I have *new* gardens. Just as awesome as my old ones (the old ones probably look like shit now. Goes with the piece of shit who likely let them go to hell)
-I have money now! I didn’t realize how much the dickhead was draining me! My goal is to have my house paid off in 3 years and I’m on track to realize that dream. I have money to work on my house. I have money to vacation – and I vacation A LOT! I attend a lot of concerts and music festivals now….something asswipe didn’t ever want to do. AND my credit score is 820.
-I found a great guy about a year after my divorce.
-I am now 48 and look just as good as I did in High school, if not better. I take care of myself and am a pretty hot 48-year-old. I get hit on constantly – even 29-year-old ‘punks.’ Ya I’ve got plenty of battle scars on my belly, but nothing a T-shirt won’t hide. And I’ve found that most of these guys don’t really care about my stretch marks cuz I look pretty hot in a pair of jeans and high heel boots.

Life is great now. SOOOO glad I took that step to rid myself of that parasite. I should actually thank him because now I can look forward to a MUCH BETTER life without sharing it with a piece of shit.

Trying for Mighty
Trying for Mighty
5 years ago
Reply to  LadyStrange

Way to reframe that–with actions!

Doingme
Doingme
5 years ago

Way to be mighty and an inspiration!

RockStarWife
RockStarWife
5 years ago

Thank you to everyone who has posted today! You all are amazing!

Four years since D-Day #1 and separation and nearly one year since divorce by husband and discard by last boyfriend, I am still staring at the wall–from the ‘inside’ in the emotional sense although my only partners for the last 15 years have officially discarded me. I generally feel like a deer caught in headlights or someone who is trying to run but whose feet are caught in rapidly drying cement. I often feel as though I am drowning. Heck, I don’t feel as though I even belong to this ‘tribe,’ although I am officially a chump by fact that my husband and others have cheated on me, as I don’t feel/act mighty. Still haven’t settled all the financial issues from the divorce; still haven’t used the drill, which last boyfriend left on my counter, to secure the bookshelf to the wall because I’m afraid that I’ll screw up the literal wall, injure myself, etc. (Constant flux–16 divorce hearings, a few jobs (one after the other), a few different homes (apartments), a few different schools for the kids and me, a few break ups, deaths in the family, and the results of a chronic injury–pain, which led to insomnia, which led to sleep deprivation for years) probably made becoming stable more difficult. Going to try to give myself some grace for not ‘getting over it’ faster than I am, yet try to be mightier–just ‘suck it up.’.) I am still scared. Trying to apply much great advice provided by thoughtful, caring chumps on this site to my life to successfully deal with the fear.

Chumpdownunder
Chumpdownunder
5 years ago
Reply to  RockStarWife

Thanks sister Chump I can relate to your story and appreciate your honesty.

Alexandra
Alexandra
5 years ago
Reply to  RockStarWife

I had to confront this stuff teeny piece by teeny piece.

That meant step one was making a list in my phone whete I couldn’t avoid it. I divided my life into 14 sections and let a randomizer pick what was next.

The I steeled myself and did it.

It started VERY small. I know not everyone has a faith but item 1 was reading my scriptures everyday.

Item 2 was brushing my teeth and using mouthwash everyday because my self-care had plummeted to dangerously low levels.

I added a new item every 8ish to 10ish days. And sometimes I still fell off-track so I restarted where I left off.

Rebuilding self-esteem can be a one brick at a time maneuver. But once that first brick is laid, the project has begun.

Once I started brushing my teeth and mouthwash every day during my depression, my other self-care drives kicked in a bit which helped. So my hygiene improved.

I hit a major trigger around dietary change that I am still trying to work through.

But the house is better etc.

The book Getting Things Done was better therapy than my therapist.

I learned I had a tendency to not want to do things unless I had someone yo do them for.

Plenty of people will appreciate your efforts it you help them with something and you can’t do that unless you’ve taken care of #1.

You aren’t taking anything away from anyone else by HEALTHILY taking care of #1. Your bookshelf isn’t going to be perfect. But it isn’t going to be some hurricane-level disaster either.

I guess what I tell my daughter all the time is “just do the thing.” I have to tell myself that a lot too.

Lola Granola
Lola Granola
5 years ago
Reply to  Alexandra

Alexandra – Beautiful. You are brave and strong, even though yoy probably don’t feel it.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
5 years ago
Reply to  RockStarWife

I’ve been back in this house over 5 years. The year prior to that I was separated and my XH lived here. He had hoarder tendencies. I redid the house in terms of painting, refinishing hardwood floors, etc. but there was a lot of yard cleanup, as my XH had piles of chopped wood under tarps, on top of rotting pallets all over the place, and weeds grew around the piles. He left a garden that was fenced and was a leaf magnet in the fall. I’ve sat here looking at the mess (by my standards) for the whole time I’ve lived here. This year I decided to hire someone. It took less than one 8-hour day for a college kid to clean up the mess. My point is that all of us have stuff that’s undone. Your task is to decide what the priority is–and I’d suggest working toward a job you like that can provide a decent life for you and the kids. But when I need carpentry or electrical work, I pay the experts who work at my college to do it. Your bookshelf job–maybe $20. And you can learn to operate the drill by watching how the expert does it. You may even have a woman friend who has skills. If you are in California, it may be important safety-wise to make sure heavy stuff is anchored.

Doingme
Doingme
5 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

This year I worked on my lawnmower, replaced a spark plug and drained the oil. I also replaced a large portion of my tile floor. I measured and scored, became frustrated yet I did it. My next project was sanding and spackling the living room wall. I matched the paint color by taking a chip to the paint store.

RSW, you can teach yourself many things! Go for it.

RockStarWife
RockStarWife
5 years ago
Reply to  Doingme

Thank you, LAJ and Doing Me, for the suggestions and the support.

2old4drama
2old4drama
5 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

LAJ, I know exactly what you mean. My cheater was a collector. When he skipped, he left me with such a mess. I’ve filled up two roll-off dumpsters so far. I’m looking forward to having a junk-free life. But it still makes me red-hot that he left me to clean up his mess

Velvet Hammer ????????
Velvet Hammer ????????
5 years ago

FEAR can stand for
1. Fuck Everything And Run
2. False Evidence Appearing Real
3. Face Everything And Recover
I try to keep my focus on #3. Fear is a signal that I am not in the present moment, which is the only point of power. So I have to look away from that wall, which looms large on a moment’s notice, without my permission, and much to my annoyance. I get back to doing the next right thing and remind myself JUST FOR TODAY.
A lot of the time it is JUST FOR THIS MORNING, or RIGHT NOW….

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
5 years ago

So mighty! The present is definitely the point of power.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
5 years ago

My wall said, “You can’t make it on your own.” “You need a man to help you with things you don’t know how to do.” “You need a man in your life to be whole.” “You will end up alone.” “It’s pathetic to be without a partner.” “You can’t operate a riding mower.” My mother helped me build that wall with ideas like “your job is just something to fall back on” and her own unwillingness to leave her marriage or deal with her unhappiness.

How I broke through the wall: after over 60 years of chasing relationships, I took 2 years to learn how to live on my own, including how to manage my money as a single person. My therapist (that blessed woman) helped me figure out a plan that should take me through retirement, when I will have the house paid off. I am essentially debt free other than house and car. And I didn’t have to give up my gym or yoga or any of the things that matter to me. More important, I held on to the thought of fixing my picker (figuring I had to have a MAN) but that worked a miracle for me—once I lived on my own for two years, I was so happy and comfortable, I didn’t want to go back to living as if I didn’t matter, all on my own. It’s hard to even describe the shift in my thinking. It’s like I became a full person in the world. I don’t envy couples or big families. I like my own life and I like me.

As for the riding mower, for the first year, my now deceased young friend came over with her husband and mowed every week. And I figured if she could do it, I could. So I got on the thing and started to mow. It was just a “do it” moment. No I have “no fear” about yard work but I do hire help for big jobs.

One thing that really helped me was reading the mightiness check-ins here. I still ask myself, “What are you doing that you can put in your mightiness post?” That keeps me moving forward and challenging myself.

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
5 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

Before ex I was perfectly capable of doing things for myself. There were a few times in our marriage when we had to live apart due to various circumstances and I always managed to take care of everything on my own. The last time was just after the youngest was born when he had to move to a new city a few months ahead of us for his job. I managed the house and kids, worked full time and dealt with the contractors to get the house ready to sell. This on top of paying the bills, laundry, meals, etc, all while nursing a newborn. By the time ex had his affairs, however, it had been a while since I had had to do much of the day to day household stuff, especially after ex left his job to be a SAHD. I never asked him to do anything for me but he was a capable guy and seemed to enjoy doing things for the family and seemed to like having control over other things so I let him. I thought he was being nice and helpful because he loved me. When he started his affairs, however, he stopped doing things. I quietly picked up the slack without complaint because he seemed distracted and depressed and I was afraid he was burning out. Then after DDay, he complained that he had to do everything for me and it felt like he had four children instead of three because I was so needy. Initially I couldn’t help but wonder if there was some truth in it because he had done more than his share for a number of years. I had to remind myself of all of the times in the past when I had shown myself to be capable and that I had never actually asked him do to the things he did. Thankfully I figured it out soon enough to get indignant and defend myself to him and told him he was full of shit (well, ok, I didn’t use those exact words as I was still hoping to reconcile). Now I get offended whenever he tries to do favors for me, like putting out the trash bins or changing lightbulbs etc. I see it as an insult. He isn’t being kind, he is implying that I am incapable of looking after my household.

Sirchumpalot
Sirchumpalot
5 years ago

My wall said: “I deserved to be cheated on because of my imperfections and mistakes”. “I can’t live on my own because of being disabled” (6 months and counting) “No woman will ever love me” (not dating yet, but I have had some woman show interest in me) “The kids need an intact family” (they are calming down the more they see me acting peaceful toward their mother-grey rock). Yes, I am scared for when the divorce is final on August 31st. I haven’t been single in 24 years. But it is so much better then living with an abuser, liar, being gaslighted, and cheated on!!!!

NewDayDawning
NewDayDawning
5 years ago
Reply to  Sirchumpalot

Right on. So much better!

This2ShallPass
This2ShallPass
5 years ago

My wall said and sometimes still says “Will I ever be able to retire?”

Since I got the house, he got most of the retirement. At 52 years old, I still ask myself that question. I will be paying for two college tuition’s soon. That just might put me at age 70 or 75 for retirement. I really don’t want to work that long but a girls got to do what a girls got to do.

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
5 years ago
Reply to  This2ShallPass

I worried about that too until I realized I had already determined that I would never get to retire when we were still I thought happily married. He had quit is high paying job and didn’t lower his standard of living. I might have a better shot at retiring now but I won’t hold my breath. My first of three starts college in the fall.

Sweetz
Sweetz
5 years ago

Retirement can be over rated. If I were to retire, I would have to wait until I was 74. I will have paid off X for his share of the house when I am 68…then I need to build up a savings to supplement a rather small Social Security.

Then I started thinking…why do I have to retire at all unless my health takes a nasty dive? I love my work which is only 4 days a week (I own a jewelry store in a tourist town). I rarely make sales on Thursdays…best days are Fri-Sun. So after I pay off X, I can just cut back to working three days a week, which won’t make much difference in sales…plus, I can then start saving everything that I do earn. I think working part time is a nice balance between spending time at home and earning money and having a social life due to the nature of my business. Perhaps others can “rethink” the retirement fear too?! It may not have to be an “all or nothing” proposition after all.

Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
5 years ago
Reply to  Sweetz

My architect, a local legend, worked until he died at 99. He told me everyone he knew that retired died! At the very least, health and sanity permitting, all of us at Chump Nation can become therapists, sit in chairs, and help young Chumps. I was a psych major at UC Santa Barbara in 1983…being a counselor or therapist is my elder job when I am less mobile and hopefully wiser….

RockStarWife
RockStarWife
5 years ago
Reply to  Sweetz

I will likely need to work full-time until I am at least 75, roundhouse another 25 years, assuming that I live that long. I am not homeless, but my kids are young, I don’t own a house, and my compensation is very modest (my kids get free lunches). As such, in recent years, I have tried to find jobs that I liked at least to some degree, so that I enjoy my work activity and feel as though I am doing something useful. I probably won’t have nearly as much time and money for travel as I had hoped to have and thought I would have, so I am trying to find alternatives that ‘scratch that itch’ to some degree. I look at photos of interesting places in the world on my computer and plan to watch videos and read books about foreign travel, history, language.) Not quite the same, but at least I can become somewhat knowledgeable. Also trying to teach myself how to speak and read some foreign languages and play some musical instruments. I would like to someday play to raise money for charity, even though I am a novice musician. If nothing else, perhaps I can entertain people and animals at shelters and convalescent/group homes. Perhaps silly ideas, but these are some of the things that go through my mind when I take a break from ruminating.

I like Sweetz’s idea of working part-time–perhaps after I turn 75. Would like to get back into coaching then. Ideally, I will be fit enough to do so and can inspire others to stay fit well into older adulthood. (I know octogenarians who run marathons and lift weights. and were fitter than me even when I was in my forties and in decent shape for a middle-aged person!)

Sweetz
Sweetz
5 years ago
Reply to  RockStarWife

I started my own business at age 54, was discarded at 61, and I am now 64. I raised 4 kids from my first cheater X who ranged 18yrs apart from first to last…home schooled them also. I always figured that I could start a career later in life…something that was fun, easy, suited my personality/artistic flare, and paid decent…and that is what I did when I saw how immoral my second cheater X was becoming. I plastered a big smile on my face and kept my mouth shut and made long term plans knowing full well that he’d dump me the moment I exposed what I knew and what I really thought of him. I first worked along side him in his store while I learned everything I could by his successes and failures and until I felt confident enough to open my own store…then the shit hit the fan a few years later.

I will start collecting Social Security in two years at age 66 and put all of it into the bank or into gold coins while I continue to work until I simply don’t want to any more.

Staying fit is a HUGE part of this plan…being happy alone in my own skin is the other part. I believe that God controls the rest. We are only limited by our fears…so ignore them.

PerfectTiming
PerfectTiming
5 years ago

I read this inspiring random article today about “NOT Being afraid during times of Transition” and I thought this would be perfect to share with CN sometime and low and behold CL posts about “fear” today!

Here’s the article: https://www.americamagazine.org/arts-culture/2018/06/14/be-not-afraid-song-eases-biggest-transitions-and-out-life

It’s a great message for those of us who are afraid of “What’s next?” “How will I get through this?”

OptionNoMore
OptionNoMore
5 years ago
Reply to  PerfectTiming

Have always loved that hymn.

Wendy
Wendy
5 years ago

My kids were now older…. and I was getting sicker and sicker. I ended up with breast cancer. I realized my ex-husband was losing his mind (seriously!) and I envisioned being trapped with him for the rest of my life. I had been married 20+ years to him. Moved from Canada to US (became US citizen)… had NO SUPPORT at all (we still had dial-up internet computers then) I still left. DESPERATION conquered fear. For two weeks I slept on the floor of a lady I barely knew from an AlAnon Group. Two weeks after that I realized that we had a line of credit still open on our house which my ex-husband was supposed to be using to fix up our house – instead he’d used it for implanted teeth (over 20 grand…) and a new truck (over 25 grand). I immediately went to the bank,,, looking over my shoulders – SO FREAKED out that he would be right behind me. I got enough money out of it to do first and last at an apartment. 6 months before I had began working for the first time in 17 years (I had been raising children and was not allowed to work!) – and then ???? I was in the wind…… I got alimony for a few years (he was supposed to do it for 1/2 the marriage years ) but he immediately had gotten remarried (5 months after I left him) and he bolted. I took him back to court and I won – but then he was REALLY gone – he had skipped. In 2013 … at the end of my rope I saw a lawyer and we realized that by now my ex-husband owed me 81,000 in alimony. Every paralegal had told me I’d never see a dime – “Not Alimony”. But I had an amazing lawyer who told my ex-husband that we had TWO judgments on him (1 was the divorce, the 2nd was when I took him back to court and won), and that he was going to do TIME for contempt of court and he would have to do a ‘debtors exam’. Well… lo and behold…. we find out that he’s on the new wife’s title for her house. HAHAHAHAHA…. he thought he was going to get the equity out of her home – in fact – the mortgage company called my lawyer when we put a lien on the house and he said: “He said he didn’t owe money to anyone”…. and believe it or not girls… I GOT MY ALIMONY MONEY. All the equity in their house was 62,000.00. and I got it. oh by the way? I little birdie told me they are separated now….. hmmmm……. The faster you get out, the faster you will get your own life back and you are capable of so much that you don’t even know about yet!!!

RockStarWife
RockStarWife
5 years ago
Reply to  Wendy

Great story of Karma!

nomoreskankboy
nomoreskankboy
5 years ago
Reply to  Wendy

THIS is now my new favorite bedtime story!

kimmy
kimmy
5 years ago
Reply to  Wendy

Now THAT my friend is JUSTICE!!!!

#happyendingshaveanewmeaning

LadyStrange
LadyStrange
5 years ago
Reply to  Wendy

Love it Wendy!

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
5 years ago
Reply to  Wendy

Oh this is FANTASTIC! So much karma. And you are so mighty!!!

Wendy
Wendy
5 years ago

Thank you ❤️❤️❤️

TheFooledTwiceDad
TheFooledTwiceDad
5 years ago

I’m still staring at my wall trying to figure out how to get over it. CL nailed my two biggest fears: failure is not an option (I took vows that said for better or worse till death!) & I will harm my kids.

I’m taking baby steps…slowly but I’m taking them. It has taken me a while to get my bearings and sort out my values and beliefs, but I now see the path. I still worry about the kids though….

Dixie Chump
Dixie Chump
5 years ago

They will be okay because you will dedicate yourself to that outcome. I totally understand your fear, but they WILL be okay.