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Happy Independence Day!

Hey, happy Independence Day! Hope you’re all enjoying a nice day off, sleeping in, roasting hot dogs, overthrowing tyrants…

For those of you not in the U.S., please enjoy some tyrant overthrowing anyway. Perhaps that one there, hiding their cell phone, snoring on your sofa.

Seeing as it *feels* like a Friday, how about a challenge? Liberate yourself! Write your own Independence Proclamation!

When in the Course of human events it becomes necessary for a chump to dissolve the emotional bands which have connected them with a cheater and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature’s God entitle them…

What are you doing today for Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness?

Happy holidays!

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at [email protected]. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • Happy July ???????? 4th of July 2018 !!! To you Tracy and all the fellow Chumps.
    I want to say Thank you for your book that saved my sanity ????????
    The emotional band from my ex-cheater husband is family detached ????????????

    • Aw thanks! I’m glad to know it helped. 🙂 It’s my Independence Proclamation.

  • Yesterday, I moved from my old home with Cheater to my apartment for the next journey of my life. The divorce is final in 6 days.

    I have no idea what life has in store for me but I know that I will be free of my self-centered and uncompassionate ex.

    • You’ve got this, Miss Bailey… it truly is your Independence Day. Your life is about to become amazing, just give it time.

      • Hang in Ms Bailey! My Independence Day from the fuckwit was 2 years ago today!!
        Turns out as soon as my head caught up to my heart, I escaped that shitstorm.
        My fuckwit has now repeated the same thing he did to the first marriage, turns out that’s not about you!
        You didn’t cause it, can’t control it and won’t cure it.
        You are mighty because you believe in YOU!!!!
        Collect good times, good friends, travel, music, reading, not stuff
        Happy Independence Day!

        • Three phases of wisdom:

          1. You didn’t cause it.
          2. You can’t control it.
          3. You can’t cure it.


          YOU are not in it

    • Life has BETTER things in store for you than a self-centered compassionless ex. Congrats on your new beginning.

    • MissBailey – Congrats on moving to your cheater free new apartment! What are you gonna do first to make it your own?

    • Miss Bailey, so I am in good company! I too am moving this week to my new home with ZERO memories of cheater. I made a point of removing every single article, down to the last screw, of anything from him or his ungrateful family. Since we were married for 40 years and 3 days this meant a lot of bitter work. But I felt good getting rid of things and making some cash or helping people while at it.

      You will be fine! Nothing like routine and keeping busy, so easy when one is cheater-free.

    • My independence day was June 2 years ago. Just found out that my ex moved to rural Minnesota, bought a fixer upper, had surgery for a detach retina and alone. I’m in my apartment, and living a fantastic life with my family and friends. I didn’t realize how unhappy I was married to cheater cop until I left. It’s a grand beginning for you! Enjoy everyday of it.

  • When in the course of a long marriage it becomes evident that one member of the union is working three jobs, doing all the household chores, and keeping the world together, whilst the other member makes a lot of nonproductive noise and sows discord and wild oats, it becomes necessary for the working member to say ‘feck you!’ and go her own way in order to form a more perfect life.

    • Wow, NotAnyMore. Very impressive! Love not only your strength but also your mastery in creating your declaration. Good job!

    • Well after nearly a year unemployed, apart from a bit of work at a music festival. I started at my new job today as an Accounts Officer with Country Health. This is a contract position with view to perm in a few months. It is also the best paying and I would say, even if it is early in the game, the best job I have had in my life.
      I am very happy as the last year has been a pile of struggle town crap in so many ways.
      Asshole is still trying to come back and cycles through the three channels.
      Im focusing on me, my new job, my boys and my family.
      He can go spin his wheels in the mud.

      • LadyB,
        Great news! I am so happy for you.
        I know how you important this new job is to you.

  • I’m studying my ass off to do well on my certification exam. Striving for Mighty.

  • Seeing as I regard the current US Declaration of Independence with the highest esteem, and I concur on all parts, I will use just the last portion:
    …”And for the support of this Declaration of My Independence, with a firm reliance on the protection of Divine Providence, I mutually pledge to my authentic family and friends My honest Life, My unfortunate experience of becoming a chump which has Humbled me, and My sacred Honor to respect, encourage and celebrate kindness towards mankind, all kinds.” Any day can be your Independence Day!!

  • Well if you are ready for some irony, here’s some….

    D-day #1 – July 4th 2011
    D-day # 2 – July 2nd 2015
    Dissolution order entered – July 8th 2015
    Court trial # 1 – July 9th 2018

    Independence Day has literally been hitting me on the head for 7 years. I must admit it’s been a hard holiday for me in the past – you know with all those triggers and crap. Thank god i don’t have to pick me dance through this holiday anymore!

    I’m hoping the judge will make all of that dancing worth my while on Monday.

    Wish me luck! Happy Independence Day!

    • I’m not sure I believe in cosmic signs and portents, but uh… maybe God was trying to tell you something? Happy Independence Day!!! Mojo Monday!

    • My dday was july 4th 2011 too!

      Didn’t feel it at the time, but it was my liberation from tyranny. Cheater probably thought he was freeing himself, haha. Of course he was already love bombing his was into the next colony.

      This 4th, I’m eating all the meats and spending time with true friends and family. That drama free relationship with freedom… ever!

      • Happy Independence day to my fellow 4th of July Chump! Enjoy your liberation!

      • My dday was July 2 five years ago and I concur! I’m thankful for the freedom I’ve found in the wake of all that…and the new, wonderful life I built that wouldn’t have existed without that awful heartbreak of dday. When people said better things were ahead I was not at all convinced. Turns out they were right… it just took some time to make it out of hell and to the other side…

  • Psssst. Where is the insurrection meeting? I was told to bring ammo and a dish to pass. I have some left over “War on Christmas” plates and napkins. Stayed up all night painting “Revolt like it’s 1776!” on tee shirts.

    • Come on over to my cheater-free house, it is remarkably airy now that the stench of Mr. Sparkles is gone. It the perfect place for the covert activities of FREEDOM. I’ll make some tea 🙂

  • I was invited to attend fireworks with stbxh and his girlfriend, their newborn and our children. It’s “his” holiday this year.

    After I declined, he said in not so many words, that he thought if I went I could drive the kids home since it’s out of his way to drive them home from the event (opposite of what our custody order says; meaning I would do all of the driving for drop offs this holiday rather than half) and it’ll be too difficult for him and gf with their newborn to look after our 3 little kids at fireworks.

    So he wanted me there as a babysitter and chauffeur.

    I declare independence from users an abusers!

    • Classy on your STBXH’s part – entitlement at its finest. Thank gawd you didn’t say yes. This is an example of why I never say yes to these “co-parenting opportunities” – it’s just more of me doing the work and him using my cool points with the kids to have them actually even consider these events in some cases (they hate having to continue the impression management for their narc dad’s sake).

      • I like how you described that about coparenting opportunities. I couldn’t quite figure out how to explain what was happening with my ex in terms of coparenting. He would constantly threaten me if the kids didn’t call him or I wasn’t facilitating phone calls with him. He even threatened to stop giving them child support and said I was not coparenting. But what really is happening is I am responsible for all aspects of coparenting (his and mine) because he doesn’t do any of it. Its like a way to give me more to do since he hardly sees the kids. I have to copy report cards and he doesn’t even look at them. I send homework over breaks for him to help them with and he doesn’t do it. I update him on medical things and he doesn’t even call or offer to help in anyway. If the kids are having a tough time and need to spend some time with him he declines because he’s busy. If I have training or some work-related issue he would specifically say he was busy even if he isn’t. I’m apparently doing everything which helps him keep up the image. Yet its so clear he’s not interested in coparenting if it actually requires effort from him. So I guess its all about impression management since he dumped me and the kids for his co-worker but doesn’t want others to really see that side of the story. Its so frustrating though because I feel like I have to do everything or else he’ll threaten me with some court motion and say I’m alienating him from his children.

        • You are not responsible for his relationship with the children. As he is their Dad, that is his job. While he is entitled to communications from the children’s schools (report cards, permission slips, newsletters) and medical practitioners, etc., let him know he will have to communicate this with others or let them know in advance that two sets of handouts will be needed. One for your family, and another for his. It is no longer your job to facilitate his image/relationship as “involved dad.” Tell him he too has agency to contact the kids and make plans with the children as he sees fit, on days that are his. Issues that need to be addressed can be done electronically, most Chumps have a parenting calendar and email works well too. Emergencies are the only exception to engage IRL, all else can be handled with technology. Practicing and enforcing healthy boundaries is key to gaining a better life away from the disordered

          • Thanks Drew. I am working on some of these things now that I’m finally seeing clearly what is happening and how I’m basically the only one held to “coparenting standards”. I wanted at one point to say we don’t coparent we parallel parent due to his personality disorder but figured it was useless and could cause more blowback. I am trying to get him online access to their school stuff and website so he can see events from their class or get in touch with teacher. I’m also looking into getting the online doctor stuff so he can view their records there. He lives about 5 hours away since I moved to another state after everything happened to finish a graduate program and move on so he will constantly use this as his reason for lack of involvement in kids lives. Or he’ll say he can’t help me because “I chose to move 400 miles away”. I’m learning to shut him down but those who don’t know him probably believe this is why he doesn’t coparent. I have kept documentation of how he doesn’t schedule time to see kids as part of our agreement among other things. I just find the entire thing that he thinks we’re coparenting when I do everything like I’m his administrative assistant or something is unreal. And using phone calls as a way to threaten me in regards to child support just takes it to another level. I remind him he can actually schedule visits according to our custody order but he’s not interested in that…just phone calls which many times I feel (perhaps I’m paranoid) he uses to control us or know where we are. So thanks for the tips and helping me realize I’m not alone dealing with these antics.

    • Wow, that is some grade A cheater bullshit. Did he want you to pick up some beer and maybe make some potato salad too? Or better yet, why don’t you watch the baby too, and then Sidepiece and I can really enjoy the evening.

    • OMG! These fickwits have NO shame!

      The “stab you in the back” mentality and then asking for favors remind me of watching some twisted cult horror story!

      I’m enraged for you! Cenrtrality knows no boundaries!

    • Good Lord – you cannot make this stuff up. The Cheater trifecta… you’re the chauffeur, his new baby-momma gets triangulated, and he gets to be super Uncle Dad… standing ovation for your fuckwit loser… he is his own sparkly firework (in his mind).

    • Gee, now he will have to make a big boy decision-take the kids and suck it up OR not go to the fireworks!

    • If anyone deserves to be pushed into a harbor, it’s that guy.

      God, what a JERK! Glad you took a pass on his “offer.”

    • Wow! I am surprised but yet not that surprised by a-holes like him. You could of justified it by saying “at least I get to see the kids” but you are mighty and didn’t!! 🙂

    • Wow. Mine locked me out of the family cottage. He later texted me to say that since he knows I love gardening I should feel free to come and weed the gardens. (I could have changed the locks, but I didn’t want the dump anyway).

      I proclaim that I will live a free life with no selfish, manipulative assholes dragging me down! If people love me and treat me fairly they can be part of my life. Otherwise they can fuck off.

    • That’s what they always want, something from you that is convenient for them. While I also have an exH who is a narc (not my sad sausage cheater)and a child with him I always decline things bc there is always some motive behind it or why he is asking or offering. Too bad I can’t free my life (yet) of that heaping pile of garbage! I am almost 2 years free of the cheater and its been nothing but wonderful. My child is calmer, I am calmer, i’m not schlepping around for him or wasting my money buying him grocercies cause dj dirtydick can’t hold down a job (other than dj’ing for free and grooming his next skany side pieces). I am in a relationship with a kind caring MAN that blows him out of the water. Anyway Happy 4th Everyone! The land of the free and of meh! It’s sooo much better on the other side! CL you are amazing!

    • Wow! How thoughtful of him to think of you enough to include you in his train wreck. A newborn and three small children attending a fireworks show, sounds like FUN! If only you were to accept his gracious invite, his evening would be so much better! Well, glad you passed on that. I would have extended him a gracious offer…..I know it’s quite a bit of driving and you have a newborn and all, so if it would help you out I’ll just do you a solid and keep my kids with me this holiday.

    • Say What? You refused to be the ExWife Appliance? That’s not very sporting of you.

      You can make it up to CheaterX by managing the kids at his place next visitation. Don’t you forget to bring dinner fixing for the whole newly formed family and the kids favorite distractions. You know, because he’s all about family unity these days.


    • Awwww, poor guy. Guess he just won’t have the kids this holiday!! My boys father is working … but he takes ample time off whenever he feels like it, so that’s just bs. But the kids would rather be with me, we’ve got a friends bbq to go to, and I will take them every single time.

  • SeeyaPeterPan
    The nerve of that cheating piece of crap to ask you
    that! He doesn’t deserve anything from you & kids.
    I wouldn’t even be able to speak to him let alone celebrate a holiday with his new family. Your children & you should celebrate holidays without him.
    How can you tolerate being with him & the woman he cheated on you with??

  • Being an independent woman again is what I looked forward to the most once the divorce was final!!

    I was a sahm for 15 years and my lawyer told me not to work until it was over. I got temp support during the separation, but it was just enough for utilities and food. I had to re-learn how to budget.
    I didn’t get the settlement we had hoped for. So I applied everywhere! (I hadn’t applied for a job in 20 years- it is so bizarre that you can do that online now!)

    1 week later I hired at a factory with excellent benefits & pay! Several of the other places are now calling too.

    I’m so tickled that I will be in charge of my finances!! My ex makes good money, but always spent more than we/he had. Typically on himself. (He’s the only guy I know that needs a walk-in closet.) He and the AP just bought a brand new 2,000 ft condo. I have no clue how they’ll afford that. Screams “image management” to me!

    • How wonderful for you IowaChump… you now have a cheater-free life and the financial ability to make your own way… nothing sweeter on Independence Day than that (ok, maybe some blueberry pie)!.

      And to his new 2000 sqft house… there is no magic in overextending yourself for a mortgage, most folks can get a 30yr with PMI and 5% down and live paycheck to paycheck for a house. It will be what they fight over every day from now… get the popcorn, it’ll be a helluva show. OR better yet… go to a cheater-free picnic today and never look back!

    • Congrats on the job! That is AWESOME! I’m sure you’ll be enjoying a much nicer standard of living than your ex, by virtue of the fact that you’re not a fuckwit who blows their paycheck. Enjoy captaining your own ship!

    • In October 2016, my ex purchased a brand new 2017 Nissan versa. Like you i was thinking how can he afford that.

      Only he could not afford it. First he lost his apartment because he couldn’t afford the car payment and the rent. So he and his thing moved in with some nice people and stayed 6 months with them.. .. then he mived in with his thing into his girlfriends 86 years old grandmothers house and stayed a year with that poor old lady. This whole time he is driving around, acting like a king in his new car, putting on rims and stereo system with a huge box speaker in the trunk. He cant pay child support or rent thou.

      His little whip (that is what the high schoolers call their cars) got repossessed in February 2018. Once they were able to find out where he was living I am sure. Apparently he had not made a car payment in 13 months. So if you do the math, he made 2 payments then stopped paying. Instead of making a car payment he invested in cool rims and stereos.. ..

      What a dumb ass.. .. I guess his thing doesn’t help him the way i stupidly did. There is no way I could have handled not making the car payment.. ..

      So glad I do not have to deal with that fucked up way of thinking and toxic life any more. I have peace AND my truck, house, job and most importantly my children and grand children. Life is good on the other side.

      • If you keep moving house and neglect to inform your creditors, those nasty pink envelopes don’t arrive at your new place.
        Problem solved! No bill,no payment owed. It’s like magic! By-gones!

    • Hey Iowachump….is there a group of chumps from Iowa that meet up? I’m from Cedar Rapids and am looking for people to hang out with who understand what we are all going through.

      • Clementyne,

        I’m sorry, I don’t know if any Iowa chump meet ups. I can’t access the forum on here from my kindle (I really need to wrestle the laptop from my son). Perhaps check the CL forum? I’m sorry I can’t be of more help!

  • “The flames kindled on the 4th of July 1776, have spread over too much of the globe to be extinguished by the feeble engines of despotism; on the contrary, they will consume these engines and all who work them.” — Thomas Jefferson

    I wouldn’t change a word from this DoI quote from TJ (a cheater himself, ironically). We CHUMPS are spreading our on revolution around the world. And everyone time we share our story, it extinguishes a cheater flame of the RIC.

    Thank you CL and CN… YOU ALL were my flame… my flame to file… my flame to not back down in the face of threat… my flame to be the sane parent… my flame to go gray rock and stay as no contact as possible co-parenting… my flame to remember to Trust That He Sucks… and my flame to believe, that at 51, my life is just beginning.

    Viva la revolution!

  • Since I left the cheater and have been working on myself and doing that gain a life thing – I recently came to another conclusion. The man i have been dating for the last few months -is a chump who isn’t doing the work to help himself. His ex was verbally abusive and cruelly discarded him. That was 14 years ago.

    So anyway he gets triggered often and I sometimes would tell him “i’m not her”. I had been with a covert narc for 23 – so I know the pain and torture they put you through.

    Two days ago -my daughter and he and I went to a local park. It was alot of walking. He told us to go down to the waterfall and he would wait at the top for us. So we did. When we came back up – he was gone. My teen daughter was pissed. Turns out he walked back to the car and was on the phone when we saw him. I was so worried as to why he left us. I thought that maybe there was an emergency with his adult kids or something.

    Her and I got in the car and she said “he better have a good excuse”. He gets in and says nothing. Not one thing. Total silence. Finally I said “are you ok”? And he acted bothered by my asking. I then asked “is something wrong” did your kids call? He said “no”. So I’m like “I saw you on the phone ” he said “it was a guy from work talking about cars” so I said ok. My daughter was in the back witnessing this whole situation. She knew that I did nothing wrong and wasn’t impressed with his short answers. This isnt the first time he has gone silent and done this kind of thing to me. (I know, I know)

    He totally ruined our day and I had no clue and never saw it coming. I thought we were all having a good time. I started the car and drove him home. I made small talk and he just grunted his replies. I was “sweet as pie” to him. I wasn’t letting him get to me. I think he expected me to flip out and scream like his ex. I’m not like that. I have been going to therapy for years for the narc abuse I’ve been through and I refuse to get sucked back into that nonsense. Btw- my daughter and I went for dinner and ice cream after we dropped him off – he wasnt ruining our entire day!

    I can’t help him if he won’t help himself. I care about him but a chump has to do the work themselves if they expect to gain a better life. I dropped him at his house and said “see ya” I talked to my daughter about the whole thing. I’m modeling again how to “not” take crap behavior from people who say they love you. I haven’t called him and I don’t intend to continue the relationship – maybe that was his way of ending it – I’ll never know since his pattern is to not talk about it.

    My daughter is visiting her narc dad’s family today and since I have a couple days off – I treated myself. I leased a fast convertible and plan to spend the day driving around and blasting country music. I have no plans to be anywhere so I’m going to just go where the wind takes me! I might end up in Las Vegas – who knows? This was on my bucket list of things to do – I thought today would be the perfect opportunity to get it done! Happy Independence Day to my fellow chumps – and a reminder to “do the work” to get your narc free life back!!

    • Well-done, StrongWoman. You’re not single-handedly responsible for keeping a relationship together, and you deserve better than Silent Man. The cold shoulder from him is emotional abuse.

    • I love the idea of cruising around with the top down as a bucket list item. So doable. Las Vegas or bust!

    • Silent Man is also Secret Man. F* that noise. Have a great time cruising with tunes!!

    • Are you sure he is a chump? Telling a story about his ex and being secretive about things are red flags for me, personally. I’m glad you’ve decided not to see him anymore.

      • Yeah… that sort of casual ditching and weird phone stuff make me think he’s not as honest as he could be. Also, she dumped him 14 years ago but he’s still putting you through shit because of her? Something’s off.

    • I had a great day and enjoyed my car. Got a little too much sun but it was worth it.

      Yep, something is definitely off with Mr. Silent Secret man. I guess I just didn’t want to see it again in another guy. He said he was a chump but for all i know he could have been a cheater. How can you ever verify their story? I was so isolated for the last 20 years and I’m very trusting -even after all I’ve been through. My ex husband lied to my face about his cheating for our entire marriage. I don’t think I know what the truth looks like anymore. I still seem to attract narcs and liars. But I can do nc like a boss though! I don’t need anymore emotionally abusive people in my life ever again.

      • Hey, but you’re getting better at spotting them and not pouring more time and energy into a sunk cost!

  • I’m enjoying a day of being able to comment on comments, something I can’t often do during working hours. Yea!

    • And if I don’t get to every comment… it’s because I’m working on that first podcast. 🙂

      • I would love a pod cast, I can listen more than I read. Your humor is great for us fellow chumps. It lightens up the emotionalturmoil, thank you, keep us posted.

  • At the ripe old age of 52, I am going back to school for my Master’s degree, so when the alimony ends, I can support myself and my kids.

    • That’s awesome. I’m thinking about getting a second one for a possible career change. Good luck to you!

    • Great! I want to do that too…did you take the GRE then? The thought of that causes me to hesitate.

    • Me too I just started my first mba class July 2
      I will never sit in limbo again and feel sorry that the ho had more degrees than me and my ex narc was just so into her. Fck no! I’m going to care about myself and think I’m the greatest thing. Why should I compare
      Myself to some ho who knew how to manipulate my husband with her brain and slut self
      I’m intelligent. I honk I got this. I am in
      My early 50s also
      But I’m not letting that stop
      Me !

      • Think not honk ! Typo. But yes I honk
        My own horn ! As we all should. I’m not going to let some slut get me down. She ruined my marriage and he did too. I don’t want the rest of my life ruined though !

    • You can do it. I just finished my second Masters a couple months ago while going through my divorce proceedings and parenting 2 little boys all by myself because ex is too busy with schmoopie/new wife. I don’t think he ever thought I could do it and its hard for sure but in a way his negativity motivated me. I’m now working as speech language pathologist and finally feel like I will have some financial independence. Good luck…it will be worth it in the end.

  • The Declaration of Independence is actually quite specific to the situation of living authoritarian rule or tyranny. The famous statement of human rights is quite specific to refusing to live under a monarch–or a tyrant: “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.”

    Now, the language of “men” being equal reflects the old idea that women weren’t equal, and of course that term didn’t apply to the slaves brought to this continent or to the native peoples that Europeans displaced. So the Declaration has actually become, once separation from the colonial power was achieved, to be an aspirational document. All humans are created equal. We have “unalienable rights” that grow out of being human. And these rights illuminate the situation of all Chumps who are living with partners who have set themselves up as tyrants.

    Life. We have a right to live. We have a right to not have our health and life span eroded by sickness caused by stress or by STDs or by spousal violence.

    Liberty. Liberty, according to my Google dictionary, means “being free within society from oppressive restrictions imposed by authority on one’s way of life, behavior, or political views.” So for Chumps, “liberty” is being “free within society from oppressive restrictions” imposed by spouses or partners who have set themselves up as “the authority” with the right create “oppressive restrictions.” This goes for all Chumps living with someone a controlling spouse, who “won’t allow” them to work, have friends, associate with family, wear the wrong clothes, or know about the family finances. No spouse should be the authority who denies his or her partner equality within the marriage. We should not live with our oppressors. Is we are not talking about freedom to do what we please, regardless of others. “Liberty” means living without “oppressive restrictions” imposed by someone who is supposedly an equal partner.

    When we marry, we choose some restriction on our freedom. We choose to be monogamous, to be faithful, to put our energy into a common enterprise we call a “family.” But we do not choose to be oppressed, to be subjected to abuse. A marriage in our day is supposed to be a partnership, not authoritarian rule of one person over everyone else, including the spouse. In marriage or relationships, “authoritarian rule” is one person in the relationship having control over the other. And that includes controlling partners through rage, manipulation, gaslighting. lying and alienating them from friends and family.

    We have a right to thrive as individual people. The marriage is not more important than than the wellbeing of the individual partners. The “pursuit of happiness” in 1776 was not about some emotional state, but rather about “prosperity, thriving, wellbeing” [Wikipedia, quoting Ben Fountain in the Guardian.] In marriage or relationships, “authoritarian rule” means where one person in the relationship has control over the other. And that includes controlling partners through rage, manipulation, gaslighting. lying and alienating them from friends and family.

    We have a right to thrive as individual people, to live our one “wild and precious life” with as much meaning as we can. The marriage is not more important than than the wellbeing of the individual partners. Cheaters are all about “freedom” in terms of a radical ability to act without any restraint, including the impact of their actions on other people or any obligation of family. They gain what they think of as freedom at the expense of others. Freedom, in the sense of liberty, is about not being imprisoned or enslaved by others. Marriage is not prison, unless one partner sets up as a tyrant and claims radical freedom of action while expecting the other partner to live under the tyrant’s rules.

    Here’s to all Chumps who have claimed their “inalienable rights” to live free of oppression and to all those who will soon declare their independence.

    • No need to comment on my geek out here. This is a document I’ve taught many times and hold very dear.

    • And note that we have the right to the “pursuit” of happiness not happiness. Cheaters can’t distinguish that difference.

    • ????THIS????
      ????VIVA ????CHUMP ????NATION ????
      ????REVOLUTION ????

  • We the betrayed people, in order to dissolve our toxic unions, establish Justice, insure personal tranquility, provide for emotional self-defense, promote familial welfare, and secure the Blessings of liberty from fuckwittery to ourselves and our progeny, do ordain and establish this safe haven, for the denizens of Chump Nation.

    [insert fireworks]

  • This truly does feel like an Independence Day for me. My divorce was finalized 3 weeks ago. 2 days later I ended a 10 year friendship after I realized that she gave me the same feeling in the pit of my stomach that XH did. No more one-sided relationships.

    3 days ago I moved my 13 year old son to my hometown 7 hours away from XH. XJ agreed to the move in mediation because he thought I would never go through with it. XH spent the last weeks begging me to stay (not get back together, just stay in the same area) even though he’s actively been applying for transfers elsewhere and if he left I would be alone with DS 7 hours away from a support system. TWO DAYS before my move he said “what would change if I committed to staying here?” Absolutely nothing, you lying sack of shit. He started cycling through the channels at hyper speed. One minute he wanted to hug me every day, the next I was a worthless, sad excuse for human life.

    My XH was severely emotionally abusive our entire marriage, with a desperate need for control. DS is the only way he has left to control me. He has become obsessed with being able to contact DS immediately, 24/7. He has freaked out because I won’t get DS out of bed if he calls past bedtime.

    DS left his phone behind when he went to go swimming at my sister’s house the day we got here. I refused to deliver it to him per XH’s orders – I told him he was enjoying the pool and would call in a few hours. So he called the police and told them he was concerned for his son’s safety because he believed that my brother in law was dealing pot out of the house, based on an off-handed comment I made years ago. When the police arrived, they found my son enjoying a children’s birthday party and eating a sno cone.

    I am so grateful for my 7 hour distance from the crazy. Here’s to independence.

    • @sweetlake : I’m so, so glad you have pursued your freedom from an abusive, controlling asshole. Wow. Glad you heeded your gut and moved to where you have an established support network (I am trapped in my exhole’s home state, where I was duped into moving 7 years ago and now must remain until our dd turns 18, which is in five years).

      Interesting that you recently ended a ten year friendship – so did I. For similar reasons.

      Emancipation can take many forms.

      Hugs to ma chumpers!

      • jaded, I wish you peace and sanity as you Mighty your way through your remaining child raising years away from family.

        The friendship ending was very empowering for me. I’ve never ghosted anyone in my life, but the silent treatment was this person’s favorite weapon and why should I give better than I got. A mutual friend knew my frustration and hurt and when she bitched about my “desertion” mutual friend called her out on her behavior. So she knows why, and I don’t feel a bit bad. Amazingly liberating!

    • OMG Sweetlake, he’s waving his Disordered Flag hard. I’m so proud of you moving away to your family!

      I hope you get a paper copy of that police call & visit. You may need that someday.

      • BF, the best part is that he’s a fucking federal agent. He’s a HIGHLY TRAINED SUPERVISORY AGENT. You’d think he’d realize the legal shitshow he opened himself up to by accusing a man of endangering children with no evidence. He’s trying to claim that he only asked for a welfare check “because I was denying him access to his child”, but the police told my sister and BIL straight out that he mentioned drug dealing. The police report will be available by the end of the week. I think I’ll include it as an insert in my Christmas cards.

  • @LovedaJackass: that was an awesome distillation of an incredible manifesto that I’ve rarely pondered and have mostly taken for granted. Love today’s challenge. My Independence Day includes the continued restoration of my self-esteem, the nurturing of love where it is, and the conscious and deliberate pursuit of Peace of Mind.

    In solidarity,

  • My declaration of freedom was buying him out of our house( after he stole our entire retirement fund) and I sold it 3 months later for 250k more. Boom!

    I have recently decided that my boyfriend will not be moving into my house( he wanted to buy half and will his share to his daughter not me—so hell no!) .since he has put a giant boundary around his money( it’s all for his grown daughter dontchyaknow), our plan to live together will consist of me paying him room and board and having my house to go home to. It’s not ideal but I will retain my independence that way. His daughter pays $600 room and board( because that’s what she can afford), and so will I. We’ll see what his reaction to that discussion is. I won’t be used and abused again that’s for sure. If it ends the relationship so be it. I don’t need a man but I want one. I certainly have proven I can stand on my own two feet.

    • NewLady15, I don’t blame you one bit! I would be very hesitant to go joint on anything. I have been through this shit twice and the thought of losing everything for a third time doesn’t sit well with me. I may not have much, but it will be mine and not shared with someone who could potentially take it away. Whatever I have when I am finally put to rest will go to my children!

      • Thanks Divinecomedy. I love him and he loves me but just doesn’t really “get” how protective I need to be, plus I have told him I feel our job as parents is to raise our children to become independent and not pay their way through life( including leaving her a fortune instead of enjoying it himself–he has some money). I will protect myself while leaving my options open. Happy Independence Day!

  • Sitting here, so thankful that I can enjoy the holiday without my STBX whining about this or that. In fact my son is asking me “what are we going to do today” I reply “whatever we want…”

    I will enjoy a day with my son and my family. My cheater can go home to shmoopie and the mess he has created.

    With the spirit of independence, we are always granted life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness!

  • We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all unions are created equal, that they are endowed by their proclaimed commitment with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness That to secure these rights, truth, bravery and connection are instituted among Marriages, deriving their just powers from the consent of both parties, that whenever any Form of Union becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of either Party to OPENLY alter or after careful consideration abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles as honesty, adulting, courage, and communication.

    Indeed Unions long established should not be adapted to accommodate lies, cheating, alternate realities and transient affair partners; and accordingly all experience hath shown that the sensible half of said Union are more disposed to suffer. While evils are sufferable it is their right to themselves to abolish the fake Union to which they are accustomed. It is their duty, to throw off such Unions, and to provide new guards for their future health, happiness and security.

    After serious consideration, two plus years of contemplation, grief & study, I declare myself free of this destroyed, fake Union.

  • Grateful for freedom from STBX’s

    —Endless criticism and general douchebaggery.

    —Web of lies. Lies about lies. Lies posing as truths. Small grains of truth trussed up in lies. And so forth.

    —So-called “humor” at the expense of others so he can sparkle brightest.

    —Ever-shifting harem.

    —Porn addiction. Yup, seeing those porn charges continue to roll by on the CC statements.

    —Ogling. Ceaseless ogling.

    —Deflection. (Story, as revealed through gathering divorce data: He texts me that I spend too much money taking DD out to eat. Less than 24 hours later, withdraws about $200,000.00 from our joint account to buy the love shack for schmoops. Quite a guy.) The deflection was endless.

    —Alcohol issues. No self-control at all. Regularly drinks and drives.

    —Sexual harassment of co-workers, poorly hidden.

    —Inability or unwillingness to practice safe-sex despite multiple partners. So far, his STD’s have been treatable—and I blessedly avoided—but good to have Cootie Kid gone.

    —Devotion to ruining every holiday. Apparently, these people can’t stand days clearly not devoted entirely to them.

    —Intellectual, emotional, and spiritual shallowness. There, I said it. That’s what underlies all of the above. It seemed impossible to me that a person could essentially be a void, but he was and is. Shudder. It was scary and impossible to tolerate on any level. Clever, but not smart. Shrewd, but not wise. Polite, but not thoughtful. He was all facade. The dirty little secret of the mask is that there is nothing behind it. Swirling black hole, and that’s all.

  • I’m free of Fear! Fear he will over spend. Fear I, the kids, the neighbors will make too much noise, fear i didn’t get the right groceries. Fear his take out food is right. Fear I have no idea why I’m getting silent treatment. Fear of what he will say to family or strangers. Fear of angry driving. Fear temper tantrums. Fear of first thought of day is one of his problems, he will create. Fear of speaking the truth. I am Free of fear because I’m FREE of him.

    • You’re so right–free from fear! The ability to stop wondering what you are going to do wrong (in their eyes).

    • Hcard, I am hearing you on all those fears. To those, I would add fear of showing I feel anything, for fear of the silence or the anger. The unpredictability is and was the worst, even three years after he left. So glad you are FREE!

    • That is so perfectly said. You perfectly summarised the anxiety of always walking on eggshells around an abuser.

      That used to be my life and I am so very happy to be free of it and to have saved my kids from living like that.

  • Struggling. Today would have been a day with
    His kids and even though relationship was a lie my feelings for them werent. It is still super raw. I wake up thinking how could he justify the things i caught him doing and continue on. I am going to a friends’ house to stay for a couple of days and a dear friend last night told me to book my ticket to join them on their family vacation in Telluride. I am so forunate to be surrounded by such generous people but the beat ie the pain goes on…no contact day 4.

    • You are in the thick of it right now. It’s soooo painful but know that it does get better. Be kind to yourself.

    • I spent 19 years with my stepson and daughter who were 3 and almost 5, respectively. They came to live with us in 2009. I never wanted children but I gave them my everything to give them a decent life despite having divorced parents. While I don’t regret the decision, it also cost me my husband, my marriage and now them as well. Cheater and I lost our relationship and we never got it back. I love those kids and now I’m the ex-stepparent. Sometime life really isn’t fair.

      I’m thankful for what I had and for what I did. I was a damn good stepmom. Be kind to yourself and be proud of what you did.

  • Last year. I went alone to watch firework near my home, cried through most of it. I was so sad and grieving the loss of a long term marriage. This year will meet some friends for dinner and watch the fireworks together. I have almost regained my footing. I don’t miss the abuse I didn’t even know was happening. 18 months since Dday. Mediation scheduled in three months. Independence and freedom is just around the corner. Happy Fourth of July Y’all.

    • I hear ya. I did that the last year and this year kids were with me so we watched fireworks on the beach with pizza. I find every holiday to be hard though..even July 4th because I have good memories (not great) but I miss having a family especially when I see all these families around me. And I worry about what will be once my kids get older. Will I sit on the beach alone watching fireworks or maybe not even leave the house? I probably worry too much about the future but I guess while some things have worked out and I’m accomplishing stuff there seems to be a lot that’s not falling into place. And holidays magnify that for me.

  • We hold these abuses to be self-evident: cheating, subterfuge, and theft. All of these are equal to the destruction of trust and Chumps are declared free to pursue protection, justice, and happiness.

  • Independence Day is always my celebration of freedom from the abusive narc ex. 5 years ago we were on a family vacation with my good friends in Georgia. I was hesitant to go because red flags had started popping up, but he was COMMITTED TO OUR FAMILY!! He specifically wanted to take the trip so we could relax together & make our marriage even stronger!! Literally the day we arrived in Georgia he changed – like a switch flipped. I spent an entire week on high alert & in a state of constant anxiety. It was absolutely awful. Mid-week (of vacation, mind you) he dropped the divorce bomb on me, and I was devastated. He was absolutely gleeful. We celebrated the 4th in Georgia, and as all the fireworks burst overhead I was just numb … in complete shock, devastated, the anxiety was unbearable. DDay came when we got back home … seems that the OW had decided to leave her husband on the day mine declared he wanted a divorce, but (in total cheater fashion) he still refused to admit there was someone else involved.

    I later learned that he spent every moment away from us in Georgia on the phone with OWhore IN FRONT OF MY FRIENDS HUSBAND!!!! He destroyed their family vacation as well as ours, and damaged my friendship. I’ve known my girlfriend since I was 5, but it was such a traumatic experience for them that they never really recovered. (Haha!! They should have been in MY shoes!!). We still get together a couple times a year, but it’s always strained. Although as time passes I think it’s getting better.

    I think DDay was actually July 8th, but I am proud as hell to say that I was in my lawyers office when the ex called, screaming at me that I had ruined … something, I don’t remember what? Their secret affair? But her husband had come home (because I messaged him & told him to keep his eyes open) and found mine at his house with his wife & kids. Bam!! Blew that wide open!! He never came home, he stopped to grab some stuff & some guns (to protect the ow from her raging husband) & that was the last time he was ever in my house. Thankfully I had some foresight to drop the kids off at my dads while I was meeting with the lawyer, but the ex called him in an absolute rage, and my poor father thought the ex was going to kill me … the damage these cheaters do to all involved, even slightly, is astounding.

    I couldn’t watch fireworks for the first several years, but I have come to love them again, they are a celebration of my independence from an abusive, cheating asshole. The summer heat always triggers my anxiety & takes me right back to that awful summer, but with a deep, cleansing breath I remind myself that I’m not in that place & am not that person anymore. The divorce took over 4 years, but the last issue in front of the court was resolved in Sept of 2017. So I am 100% free now!!!!

  • This year I finally left a lying, cheating, sociopath dirtball. I moved to be with this lying ass and I gave up my life, friends, family, home and job security all to discover I was being played for a fool.

    He lied about everything including not having a venereal disease and I discovered I was one of many women he was duping.

    After taking enough emotional abuse and realizing my health was at risk, I left him. No job (unemployed for 3 years) and no home and no place to really go to with only 1 friend in the area. I couldn’t even get out of bed and I cried daily.

    Several months after D-Day, I am happy to say, I found a job and I have my INDEPENDENCE back! I honestly wasn’t sure when and how it would all come together for me, but I just knew I had to try to make an effort everyday and go no contact. I’m still hurting, but I made sure I was going to start a new chapter and you know what, I did it!

    I couldn’t have held it together if it wasn’t for Tracy and all of CL. So much love to all of you today. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

  • Being abused by some soulless monster is a nightmare. It just is.
    But it is so wonderful to know that you can be free. Its not easy. Its not immediate. And it hurts like hell.
    But its possible.

    I like to channel the spirit of all the badass folks who gave a great big FU finger to the powers that be. Being free of these fuckers is truly worth fighting for.

    • It seems insurmountable at the time, but truly amazing once you get there!!!!

  • I call it in the “no” now. No more believing when he gets texts it’s from friends at work when it was the whore next door. A peaceful day without wondering if we will have sex or is he too tired. Separate bedrooms so he could sneak out in the middle of the night to have sex with her. Finding out another neighbor is having sex with my XH.
    It took a while for the hurt to leave but I’m 4 years out. I have decided this is my year to find a special someone. I miss having a real relationship. I own everything free and clear. I just bought new lights for my home and they are beautiful. I’m going to work out and get my body back and open an online business and start traveling some.
    When you give up the dream of what should have been and realize the world is full of amazing nice people then you really start to live and celebrate a real life.

  • Happy Independence Day, fellow chumps!

    My kids and I are moving over 700 miles away from cheater and his twu wuv at the end of the month to be closer to family. I have fear of the unknown (will the kids get used to their new school, will I meet friends as wonderful as the ones who have come out of the woodwork to support me during this hellish time since DDay, will I find another job with amazing coworkers like the one I have?) but I have a deep sense of peace knowing we will be okay. Nah, we will thrive!

    The kids will have to fly to see cheater many times during the year. It’s a life I had never dreamed them of having, but I didn’t cause this.

    I am leaving Kind man, a fellow chump I have met that has helped me see my worth. Who knows, perhaps our lives will cross once again in the future?

    Thank you to all of you for your inspirational words, your messages of support, your advice, and your humor.

    Thank you, Tracy, for the work you put into this. I hope to pay it forward someday or at the very least become a member, but right now I am taking all the free advice you can give. Thank you for not shutting out those of us chumps that continue to need your help and the help of chump nation but don’t feel like they can commit financially at this time.

  • Last year at this time I was in Boston with my husband and daughter, having a great 4th, and unbeknownst to me I was a chump. I am in A LOT of pain today. Here at home we would normally be headed out for the day on our sailboat, watching the fireworks on SF Bay. I am taking the day one moment at a time today. And the cheater who moved out in FEB has asked, TWICE, if my daughter and I want to hang out today?!! (WTF?!! UBT please!). Um, nope. Advice welcome….thank you CN!

    • kibbles- selfishness. They want to feel for a moment they didn’t blow up the family’s life. Or they just want to project a false image to others that all is well.

      XW told me the other day I should fly out next week to join her and daughter on their out of state vacation. No thanks.

  • -Independence Day weekend 2016 – my intuition started doing its job when I had a really bad dream while he was gone on a “boys” weekend (the kind where young breastaurant waitresses ride along and stay in hotel rooms he paid for).
    -Independence Day weekend 2017 – got my one and only tattoo that reads “Pro Libertate” (family crest of my maiden name – neat how that worked out)
    -Independence Day 2018 – Three weeks into living STBX-free in my own townhome. Divorce is pending (hopefully to be finalized this month). Enjoying my more relaxed life free of an unrepentant alcoholic, cheater (emotional at least), liar, gaslighter, coward, impression manager, etc. And, yes, I am taking my maiden name back (gotta match the tattoo).

  • Went to Prove Up (final divorce thing in front of judge they do in my state), finalized sale on house, and moved into my rental all last week. I’m exhausted and living among many boxes but I’m officially free- about one year after finding out about the adultery. For those of you just beginning- hang in there, you can do this, don’t give up, be smart and strategic in dealing with you disordered fucktwit.

    Side note: cheater XW invited me to fly to another state next week to join her and daughter’s vacation because you know we’re going to be friends and everything will be super cool between us. LOL

    • What is with that “let’s be buddies” thing? All the nopes that ever noped in Nopesville.

      • Being friends= i can still control you and not be afraid of you.
        Lest we forget we are dealing with the lowest of low cowards.
        They are afraid of their own shadow. We are the survivors and the badasses. They are terrified of us(as well they should be.)

      • Somebody needs to do the adulting for this event. The food; cleanup; and activity planning fairies are nowhere to be seen.

  • I noticed my favorite cover band is playing in a charming small town next month, so I bought a single ticket and booked myself a motel room. I’m going to get “cuted up” and dance my butt off, all by myself! Never done such a thing.
    I think the next day I’ll continue up the highway to my favorite mountain lake and enjoy a few days on the beach – solo.

    Chumps, I’m a major introvert. So this is HUGE for me. If I can do it, we all can.

    I love this place CL. Thank you for building this bubble of sanity and support.

    Independence Day for one and all!

    • Bornfree – you are inspiring me! Last summer I booked a solo trip to Italy to visit a writer friend. It was glorious, but I was totally dependent on her and her husband to help me navigate. I’ve been trying to gear up for a truly independent trip, and you are giving me some ideas 🙂

      • Hey Born Free way to go! You’ve just taken a crucial step! I FLED to a hotel at the beach when the final DDay and Meltdown occurred with my broken heart and broken life, and found some peace and healing. In the years since I’ve come to love my solo travels, and I have created some lovely traditions for myself (New Year’s Eve at a beach hotel–cheap!–hanging with my favorite brother and his family, for example). Fuck that passive-aggressive lying fuckwit–I throw my bike on the back of the car and head out for my own adventures!

        There’s a little sadness at first, but then Tuesday comes– You can do it! (And yay for you too, chumpintraining!). Stay mighty!

  • Hello Chump Nation! Happy 4th!

    I’m spending all day today liberating!

    I started my day by liberating my muscles in a yoga class (which by the way, kicked my ass from one end of the room to the other). Once I got home, I liberated my fridge by polishing off some yummy leftovers, and soon, I’ll liberate my dirty clothes hamper by doing a load or two of laundry. I know, I know… pretty pathetic holiday, right? At least I’m completely in charge of how I spend my time today and I’m not accountable to some fuckwit who puts unspoken and unrealistic expectations on me. I’ve been liberated!

    • Liberty manifests in so many (small) ways. It’s not just independence from an ex. It’s reclaiming your own life and preferences, and it’s delicious. I’m enjoying my new place and loving how I determine the schedule, the furniture placement, how/where I unpack my stuff, etc. Celebrate that independence!

  • My Independence Day has arrived! Two years divorced and had my first kiss LAST night with a tall gorgeous man who makes me weak in the knees. I really thought that my chances for romance were slim because of the X’s brutal criticism so I always loved reading about the chumps who moved on and found love. It is the perfect time of year for this to happen and thanks to all the chumps who have shared their happy moving-on stories! Even if nothing more happens with this man, I know the possibilities are endless. 🙂

    • Aw, girl, NICE! So happy for you! Great to feel alive! Go get your mojo, honey!

  • I made a mix tape (hah–ok, CD) shortly after D-day, and I called it Independent. This song was my anthem:

  • I have to be honest I don’t even know what I did last Fourth of July I was busy after my fifth D day on Father’s Day gathering my secret ducks putting them in a row and communicating with lawery , my lawyer was drafting up my post nup separation agreement I do know that on July 5 my daughter and I changed the locks on the house with jerk faces permission and that started my separation revolution. Fast forward a year needless to say there was no reconciliation so viva CHUMP resistance! My children have been ghosted the entire year but my STBX has the kids this week for the first visitation ever along with his new sparkle toy girlfriend ( not to be confused with his long term fuckbuddies,Craig list F -friends,hookers , tinder bITCHES AND his many other Site hookups in his “I deserve to be happy World”lol ,hope the visit is going OK For my kids sake ! but my guess is not so much because my son 17 called me last night and has gone off to stay with his best friend for the rest of the week leaving my other child with her dad because she’s too young only 12. My kids of been fabulous, it’s not their fault that their stuck in the shit storm, and my dear daughter told me last November when she found out her dad was dating someone even though we’re not divorced yet “don’t worry mommy he won’t treat her any better than he treated us ! “ True words! True words my darling I am ….spending the week with family so relaxing , no pick me dances for me ???? No relationship police patrol, Viva the Chump National Freedom Revolution ???? July 4th 2017 started the clock on my one year and one day separation from jackass☄️ Going to be filing soon !!!! ????VIVA CHUMP NATION ????YOU ARE MIGHTY ????????

  • I am 10 months from the discard, and losing my home. I have been unemployed for 7 days. Nevertheless, I am happy to say that I’m truly independent now. In two weeks, I will be moving back west to be near my family in a beautiful part of the country. Before, I always had to live where fuckwit wanted to live.

    I took my lab puppy swimming at the lake today since it’s so hot, and when we got back home, I realized I’d forgotten a towel to dry his little feet. So, there are a few muddy pawprints on the carpet. It’s not a big deal. I’ll clean them up in a bit. Before, my fuckwit would have had a complete meltdown if I forgot to dry the dog’s feet (somehow that was my job), and freak out about the prints, and then spend three hours haranguing me on how best to clean the spots — because it was never done to his absurdly exacting standards. This is despite the fact that he was a complete slob, borderline hoarder, himself.

    I will go over to the woodworking studio I joined this evening, and work on some projects I’ve got going. Before, we’d spend the 4th of July with fuckwit’s coworkers, none of whom were particularly nice to me (although maybe it was a bit awkward for them because they knew he was fucking his boss? Nah, they just weren’t very nice people.)

    I will probably just eat ice cream for dinner due to the heat. Fuckwit always needed a ‘real meal’ no matter what. And if I didn’t cook it, he’d leave a really awesome mess for me to clean up.

    Independence is terrifying, I’ll say that, but I think it’s a much better way to live.

  • I’m Independent of the mindfuck of playing hostess for a 4th of July barbecue party when suddenly my moping, joyless, passive-aggressive whiny manchild would become happy and social and pleasant. For a few hours, while we cooked together and made sangria and enjoyed our friends, he would become that person I had fallen for all those years ago. He would smile and be bright and funny and delightful again, and I would remember how it was when it was good, and break my heart trying to untangle the skein of why why why…?

    Next morning he’d be back to moping. (Because, being one of those “moral, NICE GUY” cheaters, he just acted miserable all the time hoping I’d get fed up and piss off without him having to take a stand).

    I am Independent of the Mindfuck, living in Meh-topia, and feeling MIGHTY!

    Love and fireworks to all of Chump Nation!

    • Cleo….that sounds just like my STBX….he was always the funny story-teller guy that everyone loved. As soon as we’d get in the car, he would be silent and/or sulky (for the last year or so). He has turned into his dad….always complaining about this ache or that pain, etc. The other day at work, he, my DS (23) and I were going over financial aid for medical school, and he got up to get something literally LIMPING complaining about how his heel hurt. We just rolled our eyes and ignored him.

      I do NOT miss all the complaining!

      • …too funny (well, now!) So good to finally see through their BS and laugh at them!

  • Celebrating moving 3 hours away from STBXH. The kids and I and our pets are starting over in a new beautiful city. We are not unhealthy and broken people, despite what we were told. The kids were told by their dad to choose between their father and their pets, they chose their pets. I have a lot to learn from my teens who are independent thinkers and have really helped me get to this day. No more will I hear, you should have been nicer to me. You will always be the mother of my children but I don’t love you. Or what he told the kids before they cut off contact, I stayed married to your mother for as long as I could. Such a public service! 20 years of trying to keep order living with a disordered man. No more of him guarding his phone and being checked out of the marriage while I did all the adulting. No more wondering why he won’t have sex with me and hoping I can change to make him desire, love, and care for me and the kids. The falsehood of the perfect family to maintain his impression management is gone. Never again driving down the road with him while he drives and plays his video game at the same time asking him to please pull over so I can drive. The settlement is terrible and he still won’t agree to sell the house, my attorney is terrible and there are still some challenges to overcome. Today, I am concentrating on my independence and all that the kids and I have accomplished since his November rage and discard of all three of us. As a bonus, the creepy ex in laws who were stalking my children at their workplaces along with my ex don’t know where we live or work now! No more of the ex’s family driving by our property and taking pics of our home. I could go on and on. Needless to say, the freedom we are celebrating today is feeling pretty sweet!

  • My lawyer notified me yesterday that the judge finally signed my divorce papers. It really is my Independance Day!!!!

  • This is my first Fourth of July since D-Day and it sucks. I’ve always had the kind of life where nothing happens unless I make it happen. Birthday parties, Christmas dinner, summer picnics in the park with live music, that sort of thing. When I got my chump stripes turns out there was lots of other stuff in the box. I see now that every experience of happiness I ever had was false. Every moment that I ever felt special — wrong. Useful yes, but not special. I now appreciate how people stay in awful relationships just to avoid being alone. Being alone sucks and after D-Day made me permanently weepy I can say that again, with emphatic certainty. It sucks. Since D-Day there was Thanksgiving and Christmas, New Years and Valentine’s Day. Easter, Memorial Day, Mother’s Day. Normally all these events involve dinners, shared activities, communion. But not any more. When I am too wiped out to play social chairman nothing happens. And I see that my life, as in my relationship, is filled with people who are happy to let me put in the work. They are in it to be taken care of and if that well goes dry they will go find another one.

    Last week I turned 60. It was nothing special. I did not set eyes on anyone I know. Back in the day, this would have been upsetting to me. Now it just makes sense.

    Becoming a chump really brings it home that everything important to you is fake.

    • Sending you hugs Lemonbirch. I am in the same boat today after spending three days trying to get a hold of my son to see if we could get together for the holiday. Same for “friends”. I haven’t heard from anyone, yet I was the one who always organized get the togethers.

      I am left to wonder if I am only valued as a source of some kind of benefit to them. Ergo my only value to them is as an appliance. When I don’t make the effort, no one else does either. It is sadly enlightening. And yes there is some self pity involved today, but today is also the day Lady Bountiful (me) is retiring. I am done with doing all the heavy lifting. Today I am taking my eyes off of everyone else and doing my own life.

      End of rant.

      Happy 4th everyone.

  • Today was supposed to be my 20 year wedding anniversary. Instead it is the 1 year anniversary of the day I learned of my Ex’s affairs, and subsequently decided to get divorced. Now today really is my independence day, as today I am finally moving out of our shared home and off to begin the next chapter of my life.

  • I am moving out of the matrimonial home on July 10 without the douche canoe’s knowledge. It’s only 2kms away so he cannot file and emergency order for the kids to be returned to the home. Years of enduring verbal and emotional abuse and ending with an affair and a lot more abuse I cannot wait to be gone. He’s refusing to list the house and now he is going to be all alone in it and will have to financially carry it himself. BUT I’m getting out. I’m rescuing my children from being subjected further to his abuse and they can now learn how we treat each other with love and kindness and how much easier and fun it is. We can ourselves our new routine and get cozy in 750sqft from a 1900sqft house. It will be good for the 3 of us.

    I am terrified of how my ex is going to react when he sees we are gone as there has been no agreed parental schedule because of his delays… again..

  • It hasn’t been one year today since I found this site. Last year was the most horrible Independence Day in my life and I found Chump Nation while desperately searching for ANYTHING that wasn’t reconciliation based.

    You helped me a lot.

    I’m still wounded, still hurt, but much more able to articulate the shit storm that was set upon me against my will.

    Hopefully, this time next year I will be much much closer to ‘meh’

  • God, it HAS been one year….

    Why in the hell is there no edit feature????

    Gah!!! Damn WordPress.

  • Today would have been our 18th anniversary of being together. Instead, it’s the 11th day of No Contact in this most recent (hopefully successful) attempt to liberate myself from an impossible situation. I still love him–well, not him, but the him I thought he was. The hardest part of staying in contact was that the person I would see, talk to, and touch actually looked and sounded and felt and smelled like the man I was in love with, but he wasn’t. I am grieving that, but I haven’t had that sick, crazy feeling in my stomach for 11 days now, so I guess I’m doing the right thing. There IS part of me that wishes he would get in touch and say or do something to “make it all better.” But even if he did, he still wouldn’t be anything other than the tragically disordered person he is, so it wouldn’t change anything anyway. On the other hand, I’m grateful that he’s staying away and giving me the chance to put enough distance between him and my heart that if he ever does try to come back he’ll no longer be a point of reference. Even a few months ago I could never have let myself even think this, so I’ll take it as progress. It’s not much of a Proclamation, but it’s all I’ve got for now.

  • “As to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes”.

    This is a portion of the Declaration. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security.

  • This is my 4th 4th of July post-D+Day abandonment, and I must say, it’s been my best!!!
    Spent the day with DD and one of my grown sons and his friend with his wife and toddler at the beach.
    Just ate Nathan’s hot dogs, baked beans, chips, and cold beer.
    I raise my cold beer to you all — my fellow Chumps near and far that I appreciate and value so much!!!
    I raise my cold beer to you all in a toast of independence. I am free of a fuckwit living in my house lying and cheating on me, among other things.
    I am free to do whatever I want, when I want, and with who I want.
    I am free of an evil presence in my environment that did me harm.
    I am free to do as I please without the Spectre of evil that is exh2
    Viva la Independentcy chump Nation and chump lady!!!!

    • Molly, this is my 4th 4th of July as well without Summer’s Eve. Today I chose to work so the other nurse’s with children could enjoy the day together. (Plus time and half was sweet) I am blessed to live in a neighborhood to takes care of each other and are pyromaniacs in disguise. I live on a pond surrounded by many homes. They truly have a pyrogenic display second to none. We gathered at the pond, drinks in hand as those the kinda, sorta know what they are doing went to work. As I watched, I thought, I am free from a selfish, lying weasel and I am at peace. I was thinking about the new chumps, praying their meh comes quickly. I am also thankful for CL and CN and wish all the best on this July 4th.

  • 1 yr ago I got the “I love you, but I don’t love you…”. I sat the evening away crying and and preparing for the D.

    Tonight I’m in my new house. Starting to feel way lighter, way smarter, way more kick-ass.

    What a year.

  • I tried to write on this thread about our Independence Day. For some reason it wouldn’t post, so I copied it and tried to post again. Somehow I managed to paste it onto an email about squirrels in the loft to Mr CP!,, so the email read
    “ I think people trap them and block opening
    We do have a trap in the garage After 40 years of domestic duties, this evening I go and watch the sunset from the back of my lovely horse, just because I can…. while he cooks his own meal. Ha ha! Independence indeed”

    He said “no problem”…..he is in the charm phase!!!!! And it gave me a really good laugh!

  • First time poster, long time reader.
    I know I’m late, but happy Independence Day to all of you.
    My D day was the 2nd November 2016 when I received a letter from ow#1 telling me all about her and ow#2 & 3! The divorce was final pretty much twelve months later.
    A couple of days ago I returned from my first overseas holiday alone since I left my ex, and actually my first solo holiday ever. I am so proud of myself for booking it, pushing through the nerves and ending up having a fab time. It would be a small thing for many people but for me it was a huge step. I’m not at meh yet and have no desire to date again but it’s really made me feel that I can fully enjoy life on my own.

  • I’m from Oz but I’ll celebrate my independence. I now sit outside the drama, the stress that was my life. A life of appeasing a total prick who proved he didn’t give a shit about me. I’m independent and free. Yippee ????

  • I realize I’m late, but yesterday (July 4th) would’ve been my 20th anniversary.
    Instead, I’m celebrating almost 4 years of being free of a cheater.

  • Late to the celebration, but I was offline yesterday enjoying the 4th!

    What is it about the 4th of July and d-days? That’s when I caught Cheater #1 when I came home a day earlier than he expected for the holiday. Knowing what I know now, I imagine he was chasing the OW out the back door while I paid for the taxi in the driveway and came in the front. He was hastily putting the sheets in the laundry – the first time in 18 years he had done laundry. It didn’t take too long to figure that out in concert with all the other signs of the OW that were around the house that fine July day.

    I’m a slow learner, though, having been through fireworks in 2014 with Cheater #2. When I played detective after d-day with him, I found that he was trolling Craigslist and Ashley Madison on July 4th, other holidays and yes, even our anniversary. Such a klassy guy.

    • My husband was with his flavor of the decade the ho ho howorker and while I was at work he was romancing the big horsey ho on Valentine’s night ! Yes I found out all on his credit card bills and his expense report. She actually went with him and his male friend that actually hooked up my husband with that ho because ho was friends with my husbands male friend. So here’s ho out to dinner with my husband and the big fat male friend on Valentine’s night one year. Imagine big whore out with two men on Valentine’s night on company expense
      Because she worked with him. Then 2016 he was out alone with her and I guessed they got engaged while we are married. Of course I find this out after he died
      But big whore has been climbing on him for years apparently
      I think she’s even been to the house. So nice of me to work all these years and 2 hoursnfrom home so whore can get fcked on lunch breaks at our house since they worked 10 Mins from our house. How convenient. While I worked like a dog making my own money. Mr narc was making big money spending it on big b j at work
      I hope she had every miserable holiday since he died
      Wonder which married guy she’s climbing on now ? I feel sorry for the insuspecting wives
      Too bad they are all ugly my husband was the only handsome one there

  • It’s been a little more than a year after my world came crashing down on me. I immediately left and moved into our condo at the beach we owned even though it was a two hour commute for me to and from work. In the Fall I left the condo and went from friend’s house to friend’s house living out of a suitcase for months. (My family lives 2+ hours away). I needed to be closer to work and close to my wonderful, supportive friends. It was the worst time of my life.

    I decided why should I be inconvenienced – I didn’t do the dirty, he did! In March I told him I was moving back to our house and he had to move out. He agreed. Here we are 4 months later and he is still here while still carrying on his illicit affair with a piece of shit, insecure, alcoholic, no class woman who opens her legs to a married man. He certainly did not trade up.

    End of May was my Independence Day as I bought a house all on my own. Unbeknownst to that cheating, selfish prick, I am moving out in a couple weeks. When he comes home from his cheater filled weekend I won’t be there along with most of the furniture. I will leave him a lawn chair in the living room, where his TV watching chair was, together with all our happy pics together of the last 20 years since he likes to sit and stare at our pics and drink and feel sorry for himself.

    Right after I move out my attorney will file to get support from him since he makes a shit ton more money than I do. Ba Bam! It’s still very hard and I still feel so profoundly sad over the man I lost, the man I loved and the loss of my life I’ve known for over 20 years but I’m trying. CL and CN have been so incredibly helpful on my worst days. My heart goes out to all who have to go through the hell of infidelity.

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