I have a confession. I make pasta wrong. Also coffee. Also stewed tomatoes. Moreover, I cannot properly close a drawer and because of this I am crazy and should be medicated.
These are just a few of the myriad ways in which I suck, according to fat, bald, thrice-divorced (although the body count could be higher by now) serial cheater.
Now, no one is perfect, least of all me. And every marriage has its tensions. But in six years of running this blog, it’s been startling to me to read all the wackadoodle reasons cheaters give for cheating on chumps.
“You served crab cakes for Thanksgiving dinner instead of turkey.”
“You never let me live out my dreams of being a deep-sea fisherman.”
“You don’t put your socks in the hamper.”
Yes, these sins just COMPELLED them to create dating profiles. Perhaps if you hadn’t been so libertine with those socks and tried harder this all wouldn’t have ended in tears.
Your Friday Challenge today is to tell me how you suck. The silly ways. The humiliating ways. And even, the true ways. NONE OF WHICH made them cheat on you.
I’ve said it a thousand times here, and I’ll say it again — anyone who is unhappy in a relationship has an entire decision tree of ethical options. There’s therapy, difficult conversations, and divorce lawyers. And you know what else? There’s spackle. They could overlook our faults the same way we overlook theirs, instead of using them as an excuse to raid the retirement accounts and fuck their Facebook crush. Your faults, real or imagined, did not compel them to cheat — their lousy character did.
So, CN — tell me how you suck.
If you can laugh at it, you can get past it.
And remember — if someone tells you you suck? Consider the source.
TGIF!
“If you were a better mom, our baby wouldn’t have died.” Stbxh said to me promptly after he moved out, six weeks after I had a miscarriage.
Wow, no words!! That is the most hurtful thing in the world. What a complete and utter sociopath.
I second that. We often say “you are better off,” but you Seeya, are better off without this terrible person.
Just a dirt bag.
I’m so sorry, SPP 😔 That is absolutely disgusting! I’m sorry you lost your precious little one 💜
My heart broke into a million pieces when I read this. I wish I could reach out and hug your pain away. I hope you are surrounded by people who keep telling you that isn’t true. If not, come here and we will support you!
I hope that the STBXH will be ex as soon as possible.
He really sucks!
I am so sorry for the hurt he inflicted on you with that comment. Truly heartless. You’re better off without that in your life.
Unforgivable, cruel and mean. I am sorry that someone even uttered those words to you. Hugs to you.
Hang on, is this the same fuckwit who wanted you to babysit his newborn with the OW, and your children, together on July 4th? Apparently your motherhood is JUST FINE in service of him.
I don’t have words for how despicable he is. Just wow.
Wait. What? Even with kids, you need to be radially no contact with this hyena.
*radically
I hate autocorrect.
Any and all kinds of No Contact,the path to the truth and the light for that guy.
Very few things here slap me across the face with their incredibly intentional hurtfulness but this guy takes my breath away.
I don’t know you seeya but I admire the strength you so obviously must have if that guy is still walking this earth.
Prayers for you and your children.
You got it.
I was done on the first comment. Now I’m beyond done with how low some people can be.
I just can’t…..
I didn’t keep my car clean enough (when asked my brother how dirty my car was he said 2/10).
I have a HORRIBLE sense of decor
(getting compliments on how my new place is decorated- all by me!).
I didn’t clean the backyard enough (this one was true 😂).
If left to my own devices I would DESTROY our house (a Home was and still is my pride and joy).
I can laugh now but I actually internalized all of it for a good while and took some of the blame.
Oh crap! Sorry, I didn’t realize I was on a thread. Meant to be an individual comment.
That is just plain nasty. Be glad you are shut of this horrible piece of goods.
Pig-fucking son of a syphilis whore!
Just when I thought I thought there were no words to describe what a revolting POS that guy is, you nailed it.
Sadly, autocorrect messed it up. Syphilic whore.
Otherwise, please use it whenever necessary.
I doubt it’s part of the lexicon of Mehtopia, but I’m not there yet.
Well done.
Your ex wins the prize for THE sociopathic sick fuck of this site! What an asshole. So sorry for your loss. A million hugs to you!
Unchumping…
Where do I collect my, I mean, his prize? 🏆
I’m holding on to it for him but running into problems. For some reason, my city won’t let randos hack into the sewer system with a vactor truck. Plus I don’t think my trophy case is big enough… The largest drum barrel I can find is only 55 gallons. Too bad….
Seeya I wish there was a prize – like enough bitcoin for dark net to pay for a hit on his inhumane, disgusting , weak, vile self – we would be doing the rest of the human race a favour wiping him out …I know he is dad to your kiddos but …. still ..
There’s no Olympic of pain here and I think her X is utterly despicable but there is another chump that posts here who tracked down and murdered her darling precious son in an attempt to “show her whose boss”. That is the worst and beyond any words😩😭😩😭😩😭
Her X was the murderer. Sorry autocorrect erased my x.
You’re thinking of Tessie. Yes, its fucking horrific.
Omg, I’m so sorry. That’s absolutely awful. Losing a baby would be so devastating, but to be blamed for it is absolutely disgusting. (((Hugs)))
He sounds like a character from The Handmaids’ Tale.
I’m so sorry for the loss of your child. There is no greater loss.
Fuck him Seeya. You are much better than that. There is a super special place in hell for men like him.
What a despicable thing to say. 9th circle of hell, party of one! So glad this asshole is out of your life!
OMG! This is so evil! Glad you are free of this creature. Thinking of you SPP!
So sorry.
Truly a evil man. Thank god he left. A horrible sad sack of shit. You did not deserve that or him!!!
Seeya
That’s beyond adding insult to injury. The fires of hell will one day greet him.
So sorry for your loss.
Hey, Seeya, we can start a CN sub-committee! Apparently, he “had no choice” but to go to hookers and gay clubs, because it was three years after our daughter was killed in an accident and he “had no connection with me”.
Enough with my grief already! When can we get back to ME being centre of attention!!!
Was pregnant or breastfeeding for about 30 months of those three years. Oh and I was nearly killed in same accident. Oh and there was a coronial inquest, and a civil case (for which I had 6 psych assessments and had to get a PTSD diagnosis. That was to get money for seperate bedroom for eldest, as, too many babies by accident. Actually, last baby happened while using contraception but having heaps of sex as he told RIC he was being awful to me because feeling “sexually rejected”).
Anyways, he began cheating (hundreds of anonymous strangers) when youngest was babe-in-arms, revealed double life last year – after ten+ years of it. He’d been dosing up on Esther Perel and was confident that coming clean would “bring us closer together”.
Um, no.
Mamameh,
I was left with jaw hanging after reading your comment. I’m so sorry you have to deal with this monster.
We have several children, so Grey rock is my only solace.
and yet only with the one you lost were you a terrible mother? How very interesting. By what rationale were you good enough for those other children you were presumably A-okay to bring forth, but yet not for the one you sadly lost. Also, however disastrously awful you are as a person, whatever level of rubbish mother you might be, you’re in excellent company BECAUSE something like 2 in 5 of *known* pregnancies end in the heartbreak and sadness of miscarriage. Almost as though, I don’t know, it’s unconnected with the terrible personalities of the mothers, weird!
My sincere condolences on your loss, what a dreadful time it must have been, all that and then him stabbing you in the heart.
Yep, me too Seeya. Email only. Youngest about to turn 12 so only four more years of coping with mental. Reckon I’m getting there. Once you begin to see them as utterly deluded and absurd, it helps. Point and laugh, people, point and LAUGH!! CN helps so much. Hugs to you x
If his sperm hadn’t been addled from screwing around ….but no let’s not put any blame on him.
He’s a sorry shit seeya. A sorry piece of shit. ( I know you loved it. We all loved sorry pieces of shit.)
So sorry about the loss of your precious daughter. That man is unspeakably awful. You are an amazing, strong woman.
All I can say Mama, thank dear God that inhuman piece of trash was ejected from your life
you need love and real friends. sorry to hear about this tragedy.
So sorry he did that to you. Maybe it was actually his fault – the stress of living with him. We don’t realize how much stress we endure with them. It’s a constant strain on your physical and mental health.
Like our daughter says: Everything is everyone else’s fault but theirs.
Edit: we do have several other children together from our marriage. So Grey rock is the best I’ve got.
Thank you all for your support. I know the loss was my not my fault. He is like a school yard bully.
What a sorry POS. I hope he rots in hell for that terrible comment. I am so sorry for the loss of your child.
Christ. That is horrific. No humour in that one. No one deserves that. Am reeling. I mean no words. Just support from the nation. That is god awful, cruel and vindictive. No excuses.
((Hugs)))
No one with even the shred of empathy could ever say that. What a horrible man.
I am so sorry you lost your baby. Not sorry that the sorry excuse of a human being is out of your life.
He is evil. That one takes the cake on how truly awful a human being can be. I hope you never take on his shit ever. Hugs to you!
What a prime example of the low mentality level of these fucksticks. Stupid stupid stupid. I am so sorry you had to go through that and the immature insults flung at you from the depths of idiocy
I am so sorry, that takes the reward for biggest asshole ever!
Mine went and got a vasectomy when my youngest was 3 (we had two sons) because I wanted another child and he decided I did not deserve one because I was a horrible mother. 11 years later I found out it was because he got his girlfriend (ex wife) pregnant and scared him. She never had a child so not sure if she lost it or if she lied…. did not even ask.
I was heartbroken for years and I sucked enough to actually think maybe there was some truth in his statement. I should have left his ass then.
No I think he sucks and sleep much better.
FYI – he abandoned those children into my care without a thought to my being a horrible mother. He has not seen or helped them in three years. They are find young men so I an thinking I was not the one that was a horrible parent.
I never understood how the flying monkeys buy that you are abusive and crazy to the cheater but it is ok that you have the kids. Crazy making.
Oh sweetheart! You have a whole Chump Nation hugging you right now! 💕
Yeah you do. Text me your address and I’ll happily come over right now and make dinner, do the laundry, then go clean up the kitchen while you watch a nice movie.
What a worm! That’s like getting stabbed and he’s pouring lemon juice on your wound. I had a miscarriage also. It’s devastating.
I was blamed for our son turning to drugs. After I found out about his affair and shortly after D-day, we were driving to visit our son in rehab. I cried the entire 3 hour trip. After the first hour, the Worm turned to me and snapped, “How can you be so fucking selfish.”
I hate Worms….
So sorry for the loss of your baby. Sending hugs.
Incredible!
Many years before Day, I was a bad mom for wanting to go out to dinner while my parents stayed home our 2 yr old daughter & week-old son. Shame on me for wanting a quiet dinner couple hrs alone with my darling husband before my parents flew out. I knew it’d be many months before I’d leave the baby with any other sitter.
Bad Mom was a recurring theme.
Funny how he didn’t think leaving his daughter stranded & worried while he got his jollies at the pleasure palace reflected on him as a father at all.
I’m so sorry for the loss of your precious little one. I’m not sorry about that awful STBXH being out of your life. That is an unimaginably terrible thing to say. Lots of love to you.
Yup. That shows pretty clearly just how much he sucks.
That is unspeakably cruel. Truly verbal abuse. No one deserves that, least of all you.
When my awful XH returned the day after he walked out 2b with the OW he said, “…and I never wanted any God Damn kids!” Ours were 7 & 4 at the time. Note that we had gone through 2 years of infertility treatment to conceive the first one. Before beginning I asked him if he was sure he wanted a baby & that although I very much wanted kids, the last thing I ever wanted was to have them in a broken home. I told him divorce was not an option if we had kids so he better be 100% sure as I’d rather not have any then have them 2go through turmoil. (He had cheated 5 years before & after a year of Marriage Counseling & 4 more rebuilding & him retaking vows & recommitting to mistakingly believed we were forever but I needed extra assurance before having kids.) Iasked him a few more times during the 2 years of infertility treatment as well. Each time he said he wanted nothing more than kids together. He talked about having a “Daddy’s Little Girl” or a “Daddy’s Boy” just like him. He even had to made a 3 our round trip drive with me 3 times for artificial incemination. He couldn’t of showed he was more committed to having a child then that! Yet, 8 years & 2 kids later he says he never wanted kids?! WTF!?!
The night he walked out he said it was because I burned something in the oven (I lost track of time while bathing our kids & of course he never helped with them or with anything in the house, even though I’m disabled). He said me burning supper was “the last straw”. I found out later that he told the OW I never cooked for him. Though I admit I’m not a good cook, he hadn’t missed a meal in the 16 years we were together & he wouldn’t even make toast for himself.
Oh ya, after he left I discovered from computer search that he was creating profiles & “looking” AT LEAST since I was 5 months pregnant with our first! So much for him recommitting & being 100% sure he’d never ever even think about cheating on me again, especially not once we had kids. The bastard didn’t even make it through the prgnancy before cheating again! (Note that the profile he posted when I was 5 month prego was done while I was at the hospital with both the baby’s & my life at stake= doctors didn’t know if either of us would make it through the pregnancy). Guess he was shopping around just in case I didn’t make it, huh?!
The biggest contribution I ever made to society was talking XH into having a vasectomy after our second child. I had him do it because I had developed a lot of health issues, my life was at stake during both pregnancies, & I was 40 when I had my second. We had a girl & a boy so that was good. Little did I know he had been cheating for YEARS when he got the vasectomy. Like I said, talking him into getting one ended up being the single best thing I ever did for mankind!!! Lol
My ex had a vasectomy as well. I’m glad he can’t father a child, because he would need to give up his selfishness in order to be a good dad. I’m not so sure he’s willing to do that…
It’s got nothing to do with whether he wanted kids or not. That was just the “stick in the knife and twist it around” way to hurt you. I’m convinced these fuckwits find just what they know will hurt you the most and then use it on you.
That’s exactly it!
Oh Jesus God. You win!!! Awful awful son of a bitch
Whaaaaaaaaaaat a fucking COWARD. He said that because it was his best sucker punch–just a big fucking coward thing to say.
I learned this quote here at CL:
A gentleman will not insult me, and no man not a gentleman can insult me. Frederick Douglass
You see, that piece of shit that slinked out the door? He thought he could insult you. But he’s a piece of shit. Consider the source before you allow HIM to hurt you.
YOU know, that a GOOD MAN (as opposed to a coward) would NEVER in a MILLION YEARS take a parting shot like that. NEVER. And so, the fact that the piece of shit said that to you? It’s all the indication that he is a loser, trying to bring you down to his level.
Well, mama. Rise above. Put your head high. You are strong. You survived a terrible hurt, and you now are in a club of mothers that nobody wants to be in. But imagine the wisdom and comfort you will someday give to another mom who is crushed as you were by the loss of her child. You will say, “I know–it happened to me, too.” And in that way, you will wrap your arms around her when she suffers.
Compare you to him. He did. And he is so small, and he knows it, so he verbally assaulted you, and slithered away.
Good fucking riddance.
Hugs. I’m sorry for what you had to go through. I am glad he’s gone–he’s no good. Sometimes I am grateful for cheater bait. They are the people who deserve what they get.
“Why are you so needy?Get off my back!”
When I rang him at 4 am to say I’m having a miscarriage..
Had to wait till 6am to get a friend to mind my 6 yr old so I could get a taxi to hospital!
Omg that’s horrible I’m so sorry you have such an awful ex husband, mine is also! I suck because I wanted to discipline our two kids and have boundaries. My son now nearly aged 12 is filled with anger because I’m the bad mother for wanting discipline and he’s addicted to violent video games!
This guy is just plain evil. What a horrible thing to say! I hope all his protruding parts fall off…… painfully. Great big hugs See ya.
What a disgusting prick. Truly a sociopath!
Sounds to me like you were pregnant with Lucifer’s child. I’m sorry he said that to you. God has a better life in store for you.
Below is a copy of I text I just received from my STBXW after spending 4 days with her in Florida. I went down and slept in a separate room and we went out and ate as friends. We had been together for 28 years, married for 14. She had an affair 4 years ago. I’ve been living in the house with my 17 year old daughter (she just turned 18 and graduated the end of June. She’s moving in with her mother August 10th) and my 19 year old Suicidal son. My (I keep saying my, when it’s our) 30 yo daughter and her boyfriend have no where to live so they moving in with me. Sorry so long, here’s her text.
You piss me off with this shit. For a year you have told me you wanted the house , so I said you could out right have it. Several months ago you said you think you changed your mind, yet you have done nothing. This is one of the reasons we are no longer together. You cannot get anything done. Any kind of decision cripples you, and you do nothing. Once again, I will do that too. However, I’m going to want half of whatever the house brings in equity in addition to being reimbursed any costs to me to do this from 1000 miles away. Including required airfare and lodging that may be necessary for me to be there. You piss me off with this shit. For a year you have told me you wanted the house , so I said you could out right have it. Several months ago you said you think you changed your mind, yet you have done nothing. This is one of the reasons we are no longer together. You cannot get anything done. Any kind of decision cripples you, and you do nothing. Once again, I will do that too. However, I’m going to want half of whatever the house brings in equity in addition to being reimbursed any costs to me to do this from 1000 miles away. Including required airfare and lodging that may be necessary for me to be there. And I also never had any pet names for her. Can’t understand stand how someone that unhappy would stay in a relationship for almost 30 years.
Sorry I thought I was at the bottom
I didn’t hold hands enough. (A lie, of course. And, it’s hard to hold hands with someone who walks 10 paces ahead of you 🙄)
I didn’t ‘honestly’ tell him how much I loved him. (Another lie. Every day. It should have been every minute, no doubt.)
I had the nerve to get on highways and not be able to text him fast enough when I was working. Which also means there was a period of 30 to 60 minutes some days during the week that I wasn’t thoroughly praising him and giving him enough attention. I got the “??????????” text and the “where the fuck are you did your fucking fingers fall off” text until I pulled over and texted him back. So when I discovered the OW work whore a year later he told me it’s because I was too busy for him so what else was he supposed to do. She texts back faster.
I didnt “worship” my wife enough, one of the first things she told me after I busted her, “He worshipped me”. He was cheating on his wife as well, my wife was convinced this guy was going to leave his wife for her, he didn’t. My child and I are 14 or so months out, I still cant figure out what was real or fantasy, but I certainly trust she sucks.
Omg that’s crazy the I love yous I know it’s never enough is it? Mine told me two years ago on vacation that is was “MY” job to keep him satisfied sexually as I was a stay at home mom. Like I’m not tired at the end of a 10 hour day, chasing after a toddler with ADHD, a 4 year old and running the house. According to him I did nothing all day the house cleans itself and dinner prepare itself!
I heard a story where a husband came home to a house that was a war zone, no supper and the kids were running around the house not properly dressed. The husband asked “What happened!?” The wife replied: “You know how you always ask me what I do everyday? Well today, I didn’t do it.”
You left the cabinet doors open.
You settled in your career. You were so smart, you could have done so much more. (I have a masters degree and worked successfully for 30 years and raised our 2 children)
You talk too much.
Your dog is annoying.
Blame the dog, yes!!
OMG! I too left the cabinet doors open but I did it on purpose so he would hit his head on the open doors! I loved the dog more than him – well maybe that is true – but the dog was nicer to me. When I left his sorry ass on Christmas Day, I “took every living thing from the house” (kids and dog included). No, I left you there.
Raff you did take every living thing. His heart may still be beating but its already cold.
Yep, I ‘ love my dogs more than my kids!!’
Reminds me of the famous “ missing person “ poster on a telephone pole,
Missing Husband and Dog.
Reward for dog.
My moron did not feel “ appreciated “ in our the family of 5.
My reply was “ some days neither do I “.
But I didn’t cheat nor abandon my 3 kids and spouse.
My grass is greener right outside my front door.
Omg are you serious? Your a full time career mom and raised two kids successful and still not enough for the greedy ex! It’s unreal!
Didn’t do my nails, didn’t wear foundation (schmoopie did all this right) and waxed my legs only once a month not twice a month. Didn’t cook non stop, didn’t tell him he was gorgeous non stop, wasn’t stupid (non-stop). 😊
Ugh!! Bet you’re glad you didn’t now!!! This whole topic is making me see how unoriginal my pet idiot was.
I didn’t wear sexy underwear or…. blah blah blah. What a cheek from a man do selfish and boring in bed!!
Hear! Hear! I am free! Best feeling in the world. PS. Mine was boring in bed too. And selfish.
LOL, omg yup I know all about the cooking thing, your supposed to look like Heather Locklear everyday and be chained to a stove even though we all know Heather is wealthy and has hired help, lol
Sometimes when you compliment me it doesn’t sound sincere.
BowTie, I burst out laughing reading yours, omg.. so funny. They’re all pathetic.
Here’s a few of my faults:
1) I parked too close to our house.
2) He said I never complemented him on his muscles, I then gave him complements but he compained
that I was patronizing him.
3) I never really loved him.
4). I left cupboard doors open.
5). I wasn’t June Cleaver, she’s the perfect Mom and housewife in the sitcom from the 50’s “Leave it to
Beaver.”
6) He no longer felt butterflies in his stomach when we were together ( married 20 years) we aren’t
teenagers.
6)
Oh I got number 6 too! We were married 28.
well I’m sorry, but no butterflies? That’s a hanging offence. Seriously, pull yourself together, just because you’ve been together decades is no reason not to be brand-newly together as young, collagen-filled ingenues, WELL IS IT?
Why are they so stupid and shortsighted?
CB they are not stupid and they are not shortsighted. They are crafty like evil toddlers constantly pushing to see just where your boundary is, what is too much for you? Will you haul their ass to MC the first time you have an issue, or can they push it clear to bringing home a hooker for a 3-way like Roger Vadim did to Jane Fonda, and most likely his other four wives as well.
Nothing stupid about checking to see how your cake supply is holding up.
I wasn’t a cross between June Cleaver and Glam girl but he knew me when he married me.
When I once told my X asshat that I was proud of him, he replied in a sing-songy, snarky voice, “Ooooohhhh, you’re PROUD of me! I fucking hate that!”
I had written the sentiment in a sweet card, attached to a basket of more than a dozen interesting/exotic/foreign beers that I had hand picked (he had just won a big contract at work). I think he imagined that being told I was proud of him reminded him of being his mom or something. So yeah, he ruined it for both of us. Couldn’t pull his head out of his ass for even a moment to have empathy that I had #1, never been told he didn’t like that phrase, and #2, had just given him true praise for a job well done. Nope, even when it was all about him he had to make sure to put me in my place with the abuse.
Clearly I was an inadequate cheerleader even though he freely admits he never would have accomplished a fraction of what he did in his career if I had not been standing beside him reminding him that he can do anything in the world he puts his mind to, and that I would be forever there to support him in the process. What a bitch I was.
Now I C, you are just lovely and amazing. I felt sad to read your post. He should have been gratefu, nasty. No spirit of marriage.
Yep, I couldn’t compliment him correctly either. If I said nice things too often, I was insincere and patronizing. If I omitted it, I made him feel bad.
But above all, I breastfed wrong. How he knew this, I don’t know. But he would look at me nursing our daughter and tell me I was doing it all wrong.
Oh, and I cleaned the house wrong. If I picked up after the slob/hoarder, I was emasculating him, as in his mind, I was secretly pointing out how inadequate he was. If I didn’t dust, I was a terrible housekeeper.
I didn’t do sex right either. If I tried to initiate, the answer was always no. If I waited patiently, I was “cold as ice.”
Basically, you are made to keep trying harder while they enjoy the game of changing the “rules” of the relationship,whereby if you had just done what they are going to think up next, they might have treated you decently. Meanwhile, they are selfish, self-absorbed freaks.
I’m SO HAPPY to be free of him!
Yes, I too sucked because I could not figure out when the rules changed and adapt accordingly. I used to stress constantly about doing things the “right” way, now I just try not to pull a muscle when I roll my eyes. 👀
Omg, HIM telling YOU that u r breast feeding wrong is fucking hysterical! We really can’t make this stuff up!
Breastfeeding wrong???? Wth . . . as if he would know.
I also cleaned wrong. Early on in our marriage, the ex actually “introduced” me to a sponge, because he figured I didn’t really know what one was. I am not a sloppy person either, I just don’t notice every little speck of dust/crumbs/whatever. I was so inadequate on every level by the end . . .
I got in trouble for leaving a little bit of blood on the inner edge of the toilet bowl. Apparently, his female friend* noticed it too and was grossed out by it. Well, if y’all don’t like it, clean it. Also, I was not allowed to fold his laundry because I did it wrong. I decided to let that one go, it did get me out of having to fold his laundry…
*with benefits, apparently
Consistently moving the goalposts – its the first rule of anyone who is disordered.
They do this precisely to keep you off balance. You can never win with these lunatics.
I got the June Clever too! I told my mom about it and she said June Clever couldn’t be June Clever if it was in real life, that’s why it’s TV.
The butterflies comment is such a tipoff of an immature narcissist. It’s all about the “feels” and nothing about shared experience, history, friendship, comfort or companionship. I wouldn’t care if I never felt butterflies. Lovely creatures but they are so short-lived.
Mine said he felt “sparks” for the OW but it was the same butterfly-type idea.
Scientists have studied those feelings, which are called limerence, and they are produced from hormones, and they only last, at most 9-18 months. Knowing these facts helped me understand how banal and commonplace X’s twu luv with whore de jour was. It’s been 4 years for them now and those “feelings” wore off long ago. Baahaahaaa 😂😂😂😂😂
Butterflies, yep, I guess the “excitement” of sneaking around doesn’t compare to trust, commitment and being faithful. It really is a show of character.
I was told that I didn’t make him FEEL in love with me. He wanted to feel fireworks and rainbows, and I just didn’t have that effect on him.
I should also have been busty, slim, dark-haired, emotionally unavailable, obsessed with the same things he was obsessed with, undemanding, less intelligent, more intelligent, less attentive, more attentive, and (I suspect) male, and/or a blood relative.
If only I had tried harder.
(sips tea; continues reading book in peace and quiet in own home, blissfully free of closet gay weirdo hyperreligious cheater for over four years now)
What, Bowtie? You didn’t that compliment meant to grovel at their feet?
I am laughing out loud too! That is the dumbest thing I have ever heard.
LOL!😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
🤯
Boo hoo.
That’s pathetic.
Oh, I know this one all too well. It’s a perfect accusation because you can’t PROVE anything. How do you prove sincerity? It doesn’t matter anymore that you did in fact compliment your spouse, because they can say you did it wrong.
My Cheater told me that sometimes I looked at him and he saw hatred in my eyes. I have no idea what he is talking about. But how do you prove you didn’t have hatred in your eyes? I didn’t say anything wrong or do anything wrong. It was just a look. But in his mind, it was excuse enough to look elsewhere because obviously I hated him. He saw it in my eyes. I think he was projecting, of course. The hatred was coming from him. How much could I have hated him? I never cheated.
Oh my.. the cheater said the same EXACT thing about looking at him with hatred. I didn’t understand it either. I’m glad I’m not the only one who had that weird experience.
I didn’t always get the mail. I didn’t love him because I didn’t see how unhappy he was….which I asked for a year of something was wrong. I didn’t have a baby with him…but he never said anything/discussed it, and never would go near/touch a kid. He never got to live on his own, never gets “him” time. And so forth.
You’re not confident enough. You’re too messy. I’m not attracted to you (except I am if I imagine that I don’t know you). Mindfuck!
(Oh, also you weigh 10 lbs too much – because apparently I am supposed to really enjoy food and not have neurotic body issues – unlike previous girlfriend with eating disorder – but also keep myself perfectly trim and fit and I guess ‘mysterious’ and ‘hot!’)
10 pounds!!! Oh no!!! How did you get out of bed every day!!!! Just crazy!
I also was too messy. In fact he would often tell me I tricked him in to marrying me because he thought I was a cleaner person and my messiness was single-handedly ruining the house (not the fact that he had invested nothing in repairs for over a decade). I should have been more organized!!! Of course, any time I tried to be organized he wouldn’t follow it and thus would undo it all…
I didn’t pick up the cat hair enough – that’s why he cheated. It meant I didn’t care about him.
I didn’t notice and deal with the smudges on the tops of the door frames.
Because ridiculing someone for lacking confidence really helps solve the situation!
Yup. I got that one too. I even told him point blank that he had a role to play in my confidence levels. Totally lost on him.
I love it Robin!😂😂😂😂😂
My lovely ex chump husband was told by his first wife that she cheated because he changed the words to songs in an immature fashion ie “Don’t Go Breaking My Fart” Or a “Little Ray of Bumshine”. Apparently, he also messed the clothes up in drawers when he searched through them!! My ex husband cheated on me because I was always too involved with our 4 small children and I was never awake when he returned home from “work” at 11 pm.
OMG I would be so pissed off! Some of these men don’t have a CLUE!
I was “selfish” because I wouldn’t “let his BF wife into our bed”……ummm….#1 she hates your guts…..#2 I’m 100% heterosexual…….#3 It’s your BF WIFE?!…..#4 she doesn’t even want her own husband to put his penis in her vagina……..so….NO!
him:
“I thought you would change!” (after I asked him why, why, why in true chump fashion)
me:
“How? How did you think I would change?” (because ditto above, I would do anything)
him:
blank stare…..
I’m “too” sensitive.
I’m a “prude” (see above) and also no swinging, wife swapping, adultfriendfinder…..I’m such a pill.
I do too much for other people…..probably true….in the past.
I was also too senstive . . . wouldn’t consider swinging, no rear-entry sex, I wasn’t spontaneous about anything. Blah blah blah
OMG swinging? Now that wins the prize!
I wasn’t “trim enough” at 5’3″ tall and 126 lbs.
I didn’t wear enough black underwear. (how can you wear black underwear under a white uniform ??!)
I was “too independent”, so he couldn’t do enough for me. (This was the guy who couldn’t even remember to post a letter or wash up a coffee cup)
I didn’t do housework bra-less (as he awas never around when I was cleaning, someone please figure that one out)
If we’d had kids he wouldn’t have cheated (I told him I didn’t want kids before we got married and gave him the option to walk away if he didn’t agree. He stayed.)
Me too. If I only cooked and cleaned in a garter and heels then I would have kept his attention and “kept him wrapped around my finger”. If I only said “wrap your big arms around me” when he came home from work I would have been greeted with a kiss and not him saying “hey what’s up” and walking past me. If I wore skirts then he wouldnt have collected whores from online sites. If I looked super slutty and flashy everyday but also invisible and didn’t have an opinion then things would have worked out. If I could remember to only turm one light on at a time then I wouldn’t light his fire and make him pissed off.
LOL, I love it housecleaning, “BRA LESS”!😂😂😂😂😂😂🌸🌸🌸
I suck because…oh, wait, I’m wonderful?!?
That’s right. He sent me and the kids a letter from the AP’s apartment (didn’t know there was an AP much less an apartment) telling us what an amazing woman and mother I am.
WTF?
He had no response when my lawyer had that as page #1 at his deposition.
This!😂
“If you were a good mother you would quit your job instead of paying for the kids to go to a summer camp.”
Said by the man who I outearned, and totally disregarding that my job provided our health insurance.
What crap! My ex also put me down for starting a career!
I hope you vigorously and swiftly broomed his ads to the curb!
We’re harder to control when we have resources of our own.
This is so true. The more money I made, the harder he went to convince me that I bring nothing to the table. I figured if he’s telling me I don’t make enough money then I’ll get a 2nd job. After the interview he went into a rage accusing me of sleeping with the owner of the business because how else would I get the owner to interview me rather than a manager? umm dumbass because I was wayyy over qualified for the 2nd job I was trying to get to make extra money for us. He made such a scene that I turned down the offer. Looking back what happened was that he didn’t feel he could control my 2nd income like he did my regular job, so he would rather we didn’t even have that income. He made sure the credit card that I had would never be paid off by throwing a fit if I made a payment. Yet the one in his name was paid in full every single month of our marriage. The day i left him I paid my credit card off 5 minutes later with my paycheck. He was enraged.
Mine told me I had a shit job. I made almost the same hourly rate as him ( he had tbe ability to make more hours). I had him and our child under my insurance (he has to pay his own now through his work)…. etc. Etc. They say cruel things because they are so low and cowardly.
My ex actually said that when I went back to work ( after 10 years as a SAHM) HIS standard of living went down. I guess he lost some sense of control. During my stay at home time, he actually said ” if we divorce, his lifestyle would improve while mine would decline”. And yet, he continually accused me of being jealous of him. Me thinks it was the other way around!
My ex said, “You make more money than me.” My response, “Of course I will make more money than you, I have two masters degrees and you barely finished high school!”
My ex MIL-“If you were nicer to him, this wouldn’t have happened.” My response, “You are the one who hired the whore!” OW is a Howorker in the family business.
Urggggh! My ex MIL blameshifted too. I can’t see why these men would act so entitled and bratty when their mothers enable their entitlement mentality. And did that really start now because of us or were they enabling these men since infancy…hmmmm…
I have many words about career issues. My X was an engineer, made plenty of money and worked in exotic foreign locations and did interesting stuff. I am an engineer too, went back to school after kids so X had a 7 year “head start” on his career vs mine. Despite him out-earning me for all but the last 3 years of the 28-year marriage, he forever was worried I would catch up. He accused me of cheating with guys at work, screamed at me on the phone when I had to work late one night (people in the room could hear him screaming at me). Eventually I out-earned him and today earn at least 30% more than he does. Poor boo.
I got to the point that I couldn’t tell him what I made and had could never share the delight of large bonuses, they just got tossed into savings and never mentioned. I had incredible amounts of extra tax withholding in order to pay our huge annual tax bill while he always under-withheld. It made my paychecks smaller than his though. I can’t believe the amount of abuse I took from this asshole about my job. 100% of what I brought in was for us, there was never a “mine.” But he was a jealous prick. And it wasn’t even that he somehow thought my success somehow made him less-than, because he was doing just fine on his own. It was that he didn’t want me to succeed, period. My success somehow was threatening to him even though our combined income made us wealthy. And post-abandonment that was among the reasons he thought I was awful: that I had told him he was wrong to treat me so terribly about my career. He didn’t want to be told he was wrong about that.
So of course he chose a Schmoopie accountant half his age. It will take her a long time to catch up and he can always look down on her for her job being so much less important than his. Big man.
Good riddance. Now to find a guy who doesn’t care that I have money and is fine that I can rebuild a carburetor.
Like that thing that is going around, Men (people) of quality aren’t threatened by women (people) of equality.
Bad grammar, good point.
Truth. When spouses compete, it’s often a red flag. They should be happy, supportive, cheering us on; after all, aren’t we on the same team?! Not so, to the disordered. They even compete with (belittle, sabatoge, etc.) their own children. Definitely not okay.
seriously though kudos for making such a success of your career after having kids.
Typical shit yup you cannot win for trying!
I didn’t take a day off from work (with no notice) to drop off/pick up his highness for one of two vanity surgeries. I did the drop off pick up thing for one of them but I had notice. He compared me to a co-worker who “walked through fire for her husband” during his brain cancer treatments. You know because that’s the same thing as elective, vanity surgery.
It’s also important to note that I had time off scheduled a month later for this but his doctor changed the date at the last minute but since I didn’t re-arrange my whole schedule at the drop of a hat, he had to cheat.
I also didn’t berate him when he “lost” his wedding ring. I helped him look for it for hours and he seemed genuinely upset so I guess piling on with some badgering from me would have helped the situation…..NOT
Egads! I sure suck!!
My eyes are rolling back in my head.
Comparing brain cancer to vanity surgery…does he know you can DIE from brain cancer?
I didn’t tell him “I love you” 50 times per day. (Yes at one time he tried to give me a quota oh how many times to say that phrase a day. I also didn’t sit right beside him on the couch. I got a “job which took away from the family.” I didn’t hug and kiss him enough. I was a “reversed sexist” because I expected him to do his share of the housework. Oh so many things…..
‘You wouldn’t French kiss me in public.’
🤢🤮nothing against the act, but in public. Did he ask for visible hickey’s?
He tried that once. I never let him again!
You are too fat, I thought you were going to die – Cinderella is much more overweight than I.
You yell for the kids to come rather than go and get them.
We have no interests in common – Prince Charming always objected to doing things I enjoyed.
You and the boys shut me out – Prince Charming needed to be home to participate.
You don’t keep the house as clean and uncluttered as my mother.
I spent too much money – let’s talk about all the wood working tools you never use at our home and the camping equipment…
I wasn’t content being his jack off toy.
I expected(!) him to pay a little bit of attention to me before we hit the sheets and wanted a bit of foreplay. The nerve of me to even give him suggestions on how to make sex better for me! It was all about him taking 2 mins to get off.
I could go on but ya know I find I have slipped back into my old self and am much happier and so are my sons. And vibrators are a great invention.
Oh one more – MY taste in music sucked because I didn’t want 38 Special, Alabama, Ann Murray, Hank Williams Jr. and other country music acts plus how dare I not want bluegrass music playing 24/7 in the background.
Yikes – all that bloody country music/blue grass. You must have been married to my ex. I could take it one time – but the first 15 bars played over and over and over again so he could twang away on the guitar!!!!! Aaaarrrgghghhh – I used to quite like country music until then!
My X had a guitar in every room, honestly he had about 7 of them. He would sit wherever and twang away at them, same few bars over and over. Never played a song all the way, always the frustrated wanna be rockstar. Didn’t matter if anyone else was in the room doing something, there he would sit, twanga-twanga fumble fingers.
I hated it. I put up with it for 3 decades. I didn’t cheat.
When my ex moved back to the States I think he had 7-8 guitars and left probably 3 here. He paid over $3,000 in excess baggage – all that for a tone deaf twat who sounds like he is torturing a car! And ditto about never finishing a song!
Torturing a cat – not a car – although he could probably have murdered one of them too with his screeching!
Mine was a drummer, completely annoying and had a bongo he could play the same beat on. He would play it to impress people, them not realising that 30 seconds was the extent of his talent. When our first was born we lived in a small two bed apartment, the other room was his ‘studio’ so bub slept in our room, which was large. I was way to accomodating of his creative hobby.
This thread reminded me of another fault I had or have. I laugh easily, at one time he and I laughed at the same things and I thought we shared the same sense of humer..
Mine had too much free time on his hands, I think at that time there was an infomercial on teaching yourself to play the harmonica.
One day I came home and walked in on practicing the harmonica with a music book set up on a music stand and I laughed..
I didn’t realize the seriousness of his learning to play the harmonica.
If looks could kill I’d be dead.
Only 7 guitars? My ex had your ex beat by quite a bit…
Oh, I am so sorry for you. That sucks!
Sounds like a Two Pump Chump ! Wham, bam thank you ma’am-how loving and sensual ! Not !
I suck in the following ways:
– I didn’t let him have a girlfriend on the side during our 20 year marriage.
– after the first time he cheated (7 years ago) I insisted having an all access pass to all his social and email accounts as well as imposing a “no lock code” on all cell phones and computers.
– I spent way too much time with our only child, making the Narc feel insecure and unspecial
– I didn’t readily forgive Narc-O-pot-O-mus immediately and made him suffer for 7 long years as I did my best to heal and learn to trust him again.
– I expected him to come home at night.🤦🏻♀️
– I didn’t understand why he “NEEDED” to have female friends I’ve never met and he refused to introduce me to.
– I didn’t understand the need for us to take separate vacations 🧐
– I began to set boundaries and began to take care of my self.
– I discovered his year long affair with a girl half his and my age. 🖕🏼🤦🏻♀️
– I sucker punched him with evidence of his year long affair publicly in front of our employees, customers, clients, financial professionals and friends.🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼
– I made him leave our family home and continue to refuse him any access what so ever. GTFO
– I suck at cooking
– I suck at not being his mom
– I suck bc I expect a 43 yo man to adult
– I suck bc I don’t drink heavily daily and harsh his mellow when I complain when he does it.
– I suck bc I don’t see the benefit of allowing him to blow our child’s college fund on whores and bitches
– I suck bc “it don’t have to be like this, if you just let me do what I want and don’t ask questions you can still have this same lifestyle… just let me have my friends whom you don’t need to know.”
Yeah…. I’m not the one who sucks here.
Not2DaySatan – your list is almost a continuation of mine! Embrace the you!
I am from the midwest and am a skilled driver. Severe weather conditions deserve respect and get plenty of it from me. One neighbor left for work in the morning and died in an icy car accident. A colleague came home one winter night, slipped and fell in his backyard, and froze to death. I sucked because I defended the use of salt and brine on snowy, icy roads. Some jurisdictions use gravel or sand which are preferable environmentally but which also don’t really work.
His position was that these preventable traffic deaths were an acceptable price to pay because salt and brine could be detrimental to your livelihood if you are a fisherman.
I also sucked because I defended the state’s authority to order people to stay off the roads in severe weather, and — suckiest of all — refused to agree that speed limits should not apply to him.
It was laughable, the lengths he would go to in his rules-don’t-apply-to-me fantasy league.
All I could think about was my health. Doesn’t matter that I had been living with chronic pain for years at that point and he knew that very well. No, I put too much energy into fixing my bite and posture and gave him too little admiration. Doesn’t matter that I moved for him, he left me to my devices all day, knowing I had a whole life to build for myself and he’d be away all day and at night “too tired” to have sex or spend time together that wasn’t watching Embarrassing Bodies on tv while he routinely feel asleep without saying goodnight. I felt abandoned, because I was. While he was living the dream of being “awesome team leader” and going out with female coworkers. I know it sounds small, maybe, but the devil is in the details.
Fell asleep without saying goodnight. Yes. Much less be intimate.
Smear campaign about how he’s highly sexed and a “Physical
Person” and I just wasn’t etc – except would be snoring by the time I’d cleaned my teeth and washed my face. After four babies, of course I drew conclusions about my lack of desireability.
But of course my fault he cheated as am so sexless.
I am married to the same man. Every point you made, that was my life. I have three kids, not four, only difference.
I would occasionally fall asleep without saying goodnight, and I did not initiate sex enough.
I was feeling pretty bad about my body because of comments he made about other women.
After trying out other sluts, he has finally found one who has no kids and loves fillers, Botox, etc.
Hahaha!! I don’t know how to close drawers either!! Or keep the toothbrush plugged in. I didn’t do the laundry fast enough (apparently there is a time limit on how soon the clothes should be folded & put away. No points for just having CLEAN CLOTHES??). I was also a vegetarian, but always made my own dinner along with sparkledicks. Apparently that was a huge drag for him though!!
The final straw was my diagnosis with a rare auto-immune disease. I was put on too many medications (to manage the disease) and he couldn’t watch me take all those pills. Besides, when discussing divorce (before I knew about the OWhore) he actually said “you can get Obama Care, it will be great!!”
Eeeew. Do you really expect him to watch u take all those meds?!? For heaven’s sakes, be realistic woman!! 😉
I know, I’m so horribly self-centered. I also got “too sick” for him to deal with. Turns out HE was the one making me so sick, because my health really rebounded when I kicked his ass out!!
I wouldn’t let our 140 lb Great Pyrenees lie on our couch like I “let” the cats (because I like the cats more than the dog) and I made him (the dog) nervous which is why he’d pee in the house and on the furniture.
We had three kids. A boy and 2 girls. The boy died and the girls were born after that. I failed to have another boy.
I made his son feel bad and was waaaaaay out of line, when he left a bunch of his belongings in the spare bedroom and I asked him to box them up before his visit was over. (I have no recollection of this) His son was a grown up and in college.
Maybe a biology lesson was in order so the asswipe could understand it’s his sperm that determines the sex of a baby. (Not to imply that boys are more valuable than girls!)
He also blamed me for the baby dying. He didn’t say that, because what would that make HIM look like? To accuse the mother of a dead child? But he did. I didn’t have a sonogram when I should have which would have found the defect and we ‘might’ have been able to do something…
Sunflower now you are in the club with me and Seeya. Women who made their men cheat because dead child. Obviously!!
It’s a sucky club that no one wants membership of….
of course the very saddest thing is that there are some issues that are sex-specific and these most often common to boys as they form in utero. This may have had zero to do with your particular situation of course, but girl babies statistically are more likely to survive and thrive. Boys, amazingly are apparently fragile little creatures! I have 3 boys and would have loved a daughter of course, but the idea of ”not giving my husband” a child of a specific sex is medieval and revolting. My condolences on the loss of your little son, you must have been heartbroken and with not much by way of support and kindness x
He swears and declares he loves our girls…but he wishes the second was a boy. I could hear it in his voice when the sonogram showed she was a girl and he has sulked over it ever since.
And he now a new baby with the wife appliance… a girl.
I was SO glad he did not get a boy… petty but true. I would have struggled much much more.
My sister and my relationship with our step mother (by the way, she wasn’t the reason for my parents’ divorce) improved dramatically after she gave birth to a son. Although I resented the idea that this gave her one up on my mother, it did make for an easier life.
I posted this before I read the posts above me from Seeya and MamaMeh. I’m really sorry that happened to you both. No one should ever be blamed for that.
I hope no one thinks I was trying to jump on the bandwagon of the topic and looking for sympathy. Had I been courteous and read before I posted, I wouldn’t have posted that. Sorry!
Oh, In an attempt to communicate, I wrote him a couple of emails, one in 2011 and another in 2012 that apparently were the beginning of our demise… because he brought them up as a reason he no longer wanted to stay with me as he was making his exit in 2016.
He was going to school (and failing, even though he was “studying” so hard…. yeah, it was hard all right, which is largely why he was failing) and working 12 hour shifts and would have to take care of the kids when I went to MY job as a night cook after caring for the kids and taking care of the house all day….So he was doing “everything”
I couldn’t get him to repair ANYTHING unless it was absolutely necessary.
He’d get mad at me for not having my busy teenagers mow the law in the summer while 9 mos pregnant…. and he made NO move to mow EVER….
I had too many “Facebook relationships” and I liked social media more than him. (As he was screwing strange)
I never got “I’ll always love you” or the “ILYBINILWY”
I got “I’m trying really hard not to hate you.”
So fuck him, I gave him plenty of reasons to hate me now. Why the fuck should I “pick me dance” just so he doesn’t hate me???
I sucked because I accused him of having an affair with a married mother of three. It was simultaneously unforgivable and true.
I folded his jeans the wrong way and didn’t smile anymore.
My ex complained to his mother that I wanted the towels folded a certain way. Yeah, in a way that they fit in the closet! As he never did a load of laundry, I don’t think he folded towels more than twice ( in 36 years).
LOL… I dated a guy where I had to teach him to fold towels “the right way”
I admit, the towel thing drives me batty. I’m sure I’m not marriage material because of it. 😂🤣😂🤣😂
I broke it off last fall and I’m sure he won’t fold the towels correctly out of sheerness spite now. LOL
I never took the time to learn how to properly fold fitted sheets. (I was basically a single parent while he worked and played, I worked full time, and did all the shopping cooking and cleaning. Happy kids, healthy food, house is always fairly clean….Sue me if the fitted sheets are kind of bunched together so I can do it all) Sometime after his first affair started, he watched a video, and then whenever the laundry came out, he would make a big deal of folding the sheets perfectly. Oh and he would pick his clothes out and fold them neatly, while throwing anything that belonged to me or the kids back in the pile.
Shortly after we were married, I remember overhearing him in the kitchen telling his hoarder mother, whose house is literally a disgusting mess, with unstable paths through rooms and 5 dogs 4 cats and pet surprises everywhere, as they looked concerned over “fatty” bacon I’d purchased that “I don’t notice things like they do; I don’t have their eye for detail.” 😂 thank goodness I don’t have “their eye;” I’m a functional human being! After he moved out, I noticed life became so much easier for me. How sad is that, he did very little to help! Now without his laundry, criticism, and “eye for detail,” the kids and I have more fun, and we work less but love our home! Without his “eye” I’ve transformed our house and yard into a creatively beautiful home that reflects us! People can’t believe what we’ve done on a shoestring, because his “eye” isn’t always disliking things! When he picks the kids up for his 2 hours a week dinner (all he can fit into his busy schedule I guess but I’m not complaining) he always manages to straighten a picture on the wall or “notice” that our dog is shedding a lot right now, isn’t he? Good riddance! I didn’t realize how small I tried to make myself (literally and figuratively) for 20 years to try to please him! Now I’m 10 pounds heavier and 100 pounds happier!
It probably wouldn’t be good to trust anyone who wields the dark magic required to fold fitted sheets into neat squares.
Ex could do it. Hmm. That explains a lot.
I thought you needed a uterus to fold clothes…
😁
Don’t let his ass in the house during pick-up/drop-off. Then he doesn’t have to worry about the dog hair.
I was a terrible housekeeper. Just awful. Really, you would think that a woman who could work three jobs simultaneously, plus do all the cooking and shopping and laundry and lawn mowing and snow shoveling, would have been able to keep on top of a minor thing like cleaning the house!
But I am happy to report that since I began solo living I have mended my ways….I still do all the cooking and shopping and laundry and lawn mowing and snow shoveling, but now the house is always clean and tidy too! Amazing what happens when you only have to work one job to pay the bills. Lose a cheater, find out where all your time and money have been going! 😉
Truth!
Mine stormed through the living room in a rage because I was a terrible house keeper. I took a picture and sent it to my friend, laughing, because the living room was clean except for some of his clutter. He was just raging to have any excuse to go see his gf.
We were camping and he was blaring Buck Cherry’s song Crazy Bitch. I’m a prude because I went and turned it off. Our 7 year old daughter was right there. He couldn’t understand what was wrong with the song.
After our daughter was born and I had an episiotomy and bad reaction to the spinal – my legs were so stiff and sore I could barely walk – we went to counseling because I was not in the mood for sex all the time. I thought of a nature show I saw about Koalas. The mother just gave birth and here comes the male persistently trying to mate with her. She was angry fighting him off . I totally related to that little Koala.
They are idiots.
Nomorecamping, your anecdote about the demand for sex after childbirth reminded me of an incident after our first (huge) son was born. I also had an episiotomy, but his head was so big that I was literally torn open “from stem to stern” in the doctor’s words. As he was stitching me back together, the nurse exclaimed that she had never seen so many stitches after childbirth. Guess who wanted sex 2 days later and pouted when I said I wasn’t ready? There were no words of concern or offers of help from Golden D##k, just a demand for sex. He also did this after the other two births, after surgery to remove an imbedded IUD and after a six-hour vaginal surgery that turned into an emergency abdominal surgery. I’d say he sucked but I had to, to appease him. He has needs, don’t cha know?
Oh man, I’m so sorry. I hope you are doing much better now. I hope life is nice and peaceful.
I like being alone now. When I was young I was never alone for long. But over 2-1/2 years now…. I’m ok if I’m alone forever. Hugs
LOL… I dated a guy where I had to teach him to fold towels “the right way”
I admit, the towel thing drives me batty. I’m sure I’m not marriage material because of it. 😂🤣😂🤣😂
I broke it off last fall and I’m sure he won’t fold the towels correctly out of sheerness spite now. LOL
I thought you weren’t supposed to have sex for six weeks after child birth? I know you’re supposed to take a break for six weeks after a hysterectomy. I was already divorced when I found out I had severe recurrent cervical dysplasia and needed a hysterectomy to avoid cancer. I felt relieved at not needing to worry about having sex while going through all that. Ex informed me after his first affair that we weren’t having sex often enough because it was ONLY 2-3 times a week every week. (Bear in mind I wasn’t saying no, I was just hoping to eat a little bit first because sex took hours). Now he needed it 3 times a day, even though he could easily “pound away” for 2 hours at a time…
Sure honey, I would LOVE to be painfully sore and not have enough time to sleep so I can commute to work sleep deprived and risk getting in a car accident.
Yeah, I was a terrible housekeeper, too. Well, I guess if you consider a pile of paid bills stacked in the corner of the kitchen counter poor housekeeping, then I guess I’m guilty. I mean, besides working full time, taking care of the kids & the house, the laundry, the cooking, the outside chores he had me helping him with, that stack of papers meant our house was filthy. I got around to filing them away & shredding what wasn’t needed anymore, of course with no help from him, and then went paperless on everything & paid everything online. He still continued to cheat. Then when the divorce came up, he was upset because everything was paid online & he didn’t have the papers to go back through to see how to pay bills. Oops, sorry…
Yes!
Mine would moan that my job (paying the massive mortgage ) was not worth the petrol money getting to work. … go figure when the same salary was taking care of his 3 kids and bills while he cried about having to pay the mortgage after abandoning us over night then within weeks of leaving dumping us out of the house too. Obviously it was all my fault because in my grief of ending a 25 yr relationship i didnt move quick enough to sell the house in a tanking market. Well i didnt want us to be homeless. Shoot me. My cardinal sin in the relationship was that i made all the decisions and controlled him . Nothing could be farther from the truth but it freaked me out he actually believed this to be true. Wtf.
I had children. He knew this when he met me, and 1.5 years after meeting, with tears in his eyes asked me to move into his house with my children because he “wanted to be a family” with us.
At D-Day, kids had been grown up and all three had moved out five years prior to D-Day.
When he told me that OW would be a better girlfriend because “No Children!” he snarled, I replied that there had been no children living in our house for 5 years – he immediately retorted, “And that’s another thing! All those TRIPS to [City where kids lived]!” so…. if kids were some horrible thing, but you wanted to be in a family… but they had been gone for 5 years…. but taking a 4 hour trip 2-3 times a year was so offensive and objectionable, such a burden to him that he was compelled to cheat.
No sense trying to make sense of the disordered’s word salad. They say whatever pops into their heads.
Friends said Clusterfuck also told them he wanted to be with OW because they had both attended the same college at different times over 25 years ago, they never knew each other but apparently it made him feel a bond with her. By that reasoning I should have had affairs with every guy that attended my college, right? My bad for not attending vanilla midwest ag school that OW had attended.
Oh and: “she makes me feel like a real man!” (“You don’t!”) but also, “she sees the lost little boy in me!”
No sense, cuz it’s all self-serving NONsense!
I sucked because I wasn’t her. He didn’t know her before that drunken night when he bellied up to the bar with his stack of crisp dollar bills in search of pole pussy. But, turns out, “She challenges me, she praises me, she rewards me, she completes me.” I sucked because I thought he wanted a loving life partner but in fact it was obedience lessons he was after (note to self: go to PetSmart and buy one of those clicker things to keep in the nightstand).
Oh, almost forgot. I also sucked because I wanted him to have teeth. He had lower teeth but no uppers (at age 40). He came into some money and could afford to get dental implants but wouldn’t. He had dentures but couldn’t wear them because …. yes, you know it’s coming …. he is so different, and so special, that dentures don’t work for him!!!! Oh my, his precious palate contours simply cannot be accommodated like a normal person’s.
OMG, the teeth!! You know, I never really noticed that Clusterfuck had gray and crooked teeth. Then later after seeing photos of OW showing her with gray and crooked teeth, and realized he had them too!! crooked in the same places.
Oh, my, about attending the same college. I got the whole “it’s not wrong that she’s my special friend!” because they lived in the same apartments about 25 or 30 years ago. That is a special bond you just can’t compete with.
So I told him that under his reasoning, it’s OK to sneak around with anyone you have worked with, or lived near, or basically known in a superficial way in the past? Apparently, he thought so.
I didn’t give him a hard time when he stopped wearing his wedding ring. Well as his fingers were getting larger I figured he didn’t want to risk gangrene. Or that he had reasons to remove it due to work (scrubbing in for surgery all day long). Nope. He was testing me. Trusting him to talk to me if he was unhappy before he started to chat up other women never occurred to him.
So, he had to cheat because I trusted him.
What a crap-ton of crazy.
Acording to mine, he cheated because I didn’t trust him enough!
I made him feel the house wasn’t his and he didn’t have any space there. Never mind that he had the entire basement for his music studio and equipment (but kept ordering more and never cleaned, so it became crowded and unpleasant to be there), that he took over the couch in the living room and sat there every morning and every evening for hours watching tv, so I couldn’t do anything in the room, and that he had the entire master bedroom for himself (I moved out of the bedroom to sleep on a mattress on the floor of my study after he began masturbating in bed next to me at night; this gave me one foot on three sides of the mattress to walk in, and I couldn’t open the closet). And let’s not forget that he never did any maintenance, repair work, or yard or garden work (other than mowing, and only then once our son moved out to go to college). He made it clear over and over that he was uncommitted to me, our marriage, and to the home we were supposed to be making together.
But mostly, it wasn’t what I did or didn’t do. It was just who I was.
That’s right. It’s just who you are—
Fatal flaw. Can’t be changed. Must leave.
Took 25 years to find out, though (in my case).
He said:
1) You didn’t care enough to ask me if I was cheating
2) You don’t need me like she needs me. She tells me she can’t live without me – you don’t say that.
Ugh, I got #2 as well. OW had a really tough childhood! She was practically abused! Her parents (that she still lived with, at 26) were horrible to her.
After all, my ex couldn’t help what he did. He is a “rescuer” and has to protect helpless and wounded creatures.
Barf.
By fucking them?
‘You’re undoubtedly the nicest person in the world, but I can’t live with you any more.’ I suspect that paramour waiting in the wings issed an ultimatum.
The complaints he had about me:
I wanted sex; I wanted to hold his hand; I wanted to sit next to him on the couch; I wanted to kiss him; I told him ‘I love you’ too much; I used too much dishsoap; I loaded the dishwasher wrong; I didn’t sing loud enough, and I enunciated too clearly when I sang; I was too gentle with our children (“You don’t punish them properly!”); I didn’t fetch him from the neighbour’s house when he stayed there drinking too late; I chose the wrong night to go into labour with our second child (he staggered in, piss drunk, and groaned, “Not tonight!”); I used words that were too big; I didn’t walk quickly enough; I didn’t cook amd clean properly … and there are many more.
Oh man, picking the wrong day to go into labor. Such rough news to hear you might have to man up when you voluntarily father a child…
After I had bad Post partum depression and pulled myself out of it with the help of my family and friends while parenting two young kids while he was DEPLOYED – he lost all respect for me and has never gotten it back.(ps. post partum is a sign of being in an abusive relationship)
I gained 10 lbs and he’s not attracted to me anymore because he’s just not “wired that way”.
-I didn’t have a college degree (while he cheated on me with a girl at college)
Have never related my post patrimony depression ( with first child) to my treatment from him. It does make sense in that he never allowed me one day to sleep for more than three hours, he never helped with the baby and I became absolutely overwhelmed by the fact that I was 100% responsible for the care of this baby. Wow. I guess he always sucked.
The research on Post-Partum Depression is very clear; there are certainly hormonal factors at work, but the best single predictor of whether a woman will become depressed after having a baby is whether she feels she has sufficient help and support from her partner, the baby’s OTHER PARENT.
Doesn’t mean all PPD comes from this, but plenty does.
notmyfault and karenE,
I never related my VERY EXTREME post partum (lost 40lbs in a matter of weeks, couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, couldn’t stop crying) to his abuse either. A woman from another group pointed it out me and sent me an article and my jaw dropped. Google post partum depression and verbal abuse and there are a small smattering of articles that will come up and they all say there is a definitely corrolation especially to verbal/emotional abuse and that there needs to more studies done. But if you take out the whole “post partum” part and just read about depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, they’re all caused by abuse. So why would post partum depression be any different? When you’re tired and weak and exhausted all that raw emotional shit comes bubbling out.
I was a complete bitch. I bought mature cheddar and not mild cheddar…. so I buy mild cheddar and watch him eat the mature first.
I like antique pine furniture…. he hates pine apparently! he helped me pick up every bloody item we had of it without a word. In fact he used to point out items on eBay
I forgot it was our son that hates mushrooms and not him. He never gets mushrooms.
He hates our little farm and wants to move. I love my farm but agree to this. He suggests places close to slaggy-anne and nowhere near my work. I could have been abandoned without a job YIKES. hindsight.
I’m sooooo restrictive with money so he, a policeman, was forced to steal and present false books from a club he was treasurer of subsequently after Dday#2 and running to Slaggy-Anne lost his job because of it. He forgot he was adamant he wanted an expensive car and £600 suits and I had to balance the books so we had no debt. The expensive car was stolen last week by some “thieving scum” he can’t see the irony at all
However he lost his job in March. Not paid for the car since April and it gets stolen at the end of June?.. coincidence? Has a history of fraud. 😳
Reposession?
I thought the same thing-repo man rolled up in his truck. Bye bye car.
Hahahaha. I can see it now….”The bank stole my car when I didn’t pay them. HOW DARE THEY!!!???” Next, those thieving bastards will steal the house too when he doesn’t pay the mortgage.
Here’s a real mindf****, “you are a wonderful woman and it just happened.” SMH. Yeah, and me tossing your crap into garbage bags, humming them into the garage just happened!
You didn’t get the “I will always love you” or “I love you but I am not in love with you” bs? Those are pretty special to hear.
I got the “I will always love you” AND “I love you but I am not in love with you”.
I didn’t want to look at the stars with him.
I will never be happy because I don’t know the true meaning of happiness (butterflies and assorted thrills).
I am a negative person because I point out facts.
Or the “I love you like a sister” crap either?
I got the “I love you like a sister” garbage.
My ex, said, the ow is always happy, she’s not entitled to an opinion. My ex said, he took drugs because I had a stillborn baby. He said he liked the ow, she let him drink, and quote my ex, “she doesn’t want her kids”.
You were not supportive enough to me during YOUR brain tumor.
You rolled your eyes at me.
You gave me the middle finger behind my back behind a wall.
“You never say ‘I love you’.” When I responded “yes I do!”, she checkmated me with “Yes, but you have to because you’re my husband”.
I was confused at the time because I didn’t know about the affair, but I now recognize this to mean “Your ‘I love you’ means nothing compared to AP’s – he tells me he loves me even though he is married to someone else!”
What the….?
“You’re a burden”
“You didn’t love me the way I needed to be loved”
“You believe what you see and not what I tell you”
“The house is too clean. It’s embarrassing” (not a typo, he said that)
“You sleep too much” (like leukemia is a choice)
“You’re always putting your nose in my private life”
“You expect everyone to be accountable for there actions”
“You never shut the fuck up”
So glad that’s over.
“You believe what you see and not what I tell you.”
Of course you do!!! You’re not a fool! Have you ever heard that quote, “who are you going to believe, me or your lying eyes?”
Ha! I got a variation of that, she said to me “I hate arguing with you, you are always right!”.
A different ex of mine said “you always use my words against me.”
Why did you buy red grapes, you should’ve bought green?! Why did you buy red leaf lettuce, you should have bought Romain?! Why are you doing laundry at 10 o’clock at night?! What DO you do all day?!
I couldn’t cook right, clean right, grocery shop right, care for the kids right … you name it. Nothing I did was right or good enough.
I showed him … I blindsided him with divorce papers and crushed his ego! It was hell and I lost everything in my divorce… my home, my future, and worst of all my kids … but it was worth it. I have faith that when the kids are out from under his thumb they’ll find their way back to me.
In the meantime I have moved on with my life and am much happier without that cheating fuckwit.
“Quit your job..I don’t want to babysit while you are at work..go back to work we don’t have enough money to spend on myself..we never go out because we use up all the free sitting with your mom..(she really didn’t mind but his family was out of state). It’s your fault we don’t get a bigger tax return..(he’s claimed 9 on close to 90,000 a year) I got laid off today but went and took out a loan for a mororcycle because i deserve it.Why aren’t you a nurse? I’m not cleaning as an adult my mom used me like a slave as a kid..the list is to long”. it was like a watching a tennis match in his bipolar mind. Glad to be rid of him..
“I’m not cleaning as my mom used me like a slave as a kid.” I thought mine was the only thimblesieve who said that. The hole in that logic is vast and incomprehensible.
“it was like a watching a tennis match in his bipolar mind.”
LOL! I’m stealing this!
Also, I wasn’t jealous and controlling when she went away to professional conferences. Apparently my trust in her showed I didn’t really love her. Turns out she was having an affair with a work colleague.
The old “you didn’t fight for me when You found out I was screwing strange…”
Bleah
After grocery shopping on Saturdays I would start making lunch. Then the postman would come so I would go out to the mailbox (still wearing my apron) “just to show everyone that you do everything round here!”
I also loaded the dishwasher wrong.
You speak better French then me (despite the fact he could have free French lessons on work time for 30 years)!
I used long words too. (I thought about saying “marmalade” to him one time – see if he would have a coronary!
I liked to watch cookery programmes (he always had documentaries on that he would fall asleep in front of – that made him an intellectual)!
Wow. Mine always had documentaries on he would fall asleep too as well. It was part of his routine: put a doco on a fall asleep.
He told me that I was a Saint and when I died if I wasn’t made a Saint, there was something wrong.
Yep.
He abandoned me, ghosted me and divorced me because he says I am a Saint.
Looney Tunes… huh.
-our libidos are different
-she made him feel empowered
-she loved it, let him do things I wouldn’t, and was impressed by the amount of cum he had
-of course she came back because I’m good at it. You know that
-It was just sex. I didn’t respect her.
Even though this happened for months, they talked daily, she was listed as a nickname in his phone, & when he cut her off abruptly was asking if he was mad? Are we not talking any more?
I didn’t kiss him enough
You have too much energy….
I’m selfish, for doing a part time Masters while working full time and doing the heavy lifting in raising our Kiddo.
He couldn’t help because his chosen career-I put him through school-meant unsociable hours.
I now know that my request for him to pull his parental weight was because it would have interfered with Cooch Time.
I suck, but in a highly qualified way.
Love to all Chump Nation
‘I suck, but in a highly qualified way.’
I am totally stealing that one!!!
I believe, “I suck, but in a highly qualified way,” is a pretty fair truth…of us Chumps. So many of us juggled work, family, children, school, chores, etc., in our marriages, and did it well (that is why so many of us were married for so long). I think when the disordered can no longer run from the truth then that is going to become a Dday. I think x was given an ultimatum, and I am glad he left me for someone more equal to his crap character.
I couldn’t keep a clean house, do all the food shopping, raise the kid alone, do all the chores inside and out, kiss his ass day and night, plan and execute family vacations, weekends and holidays, be carefree, enjoy whatever sports he enjoyed at the moment and have a high paying full time job = I suck big time. Oh, and I couldn’t keep one man happy, how could I keep another one happy? Said to me before we finally parted forever.
I yelled out the back door for him to come out of his shop( after I called and he wouldn’t answer his phone and I repeatedly said please go and get an intercom). I nagged( yes after years of living with a man baby who wouldn’t stop spending money stupidly, drinking and driving, smoking himself into major health concerns, and ignoring all parental responsibilities). I said no to sex maybe once every 10 times ( I was sold I wasn’t allowed to say no to sex at all when we wreckonciled after his one year affair with a friend of ours). I was also a nag when he stopped working full time and when he stopped working at all in our last year together, and when I made him give up his shop after losing $500k of our money in it( and continually lying to hide those losses) Boy does he suck!!
“Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths” wrote another member of Chump Nation
Said by Ken Davis, “If you have to ask repeatedly, that’s not nagging. Nagging is when you present your requests with an ATTITUDE.” So, according to Ken Davis, only the times you asked with an attitude count as nagging. If you asked 550 times and only the last 50 had attitude, you didn’t nag all that much.
If you didn’t nag so much I wouldn’t have fallen out of love with you.
I don’t suck.
I am a decent, kind, hard-working person. I know how to have fun. I’m funny.
I’m too good?
Oh wait! While I’m pretty, I’m not a movie star. While I have enough money, I’m not a multi-millionaire. While I like sex, I don’t dress like a hooker (except when I do).
I’m just too good for you. — lyrics of Drake’s, revised a bit
@QueenMother – I have that song on repeat!!
Now this one is easy! They come up with tons of stupid shit. I am too thrifty with money and practical, overall. Not wild and sexy enough in the bedroom (hmm, new guy thinks I am). I can’t ride a motorcycle. Yup, he actually said it would change things, if I did. I’m not Asian (neither is he). One moment, I was too independent and he didn’t feel loved. The next, I was too emotionally dependent on him and he couldn’t be responsible for my happiness. WTF which is it? I keep the house too clean. He was sure I was going to leave him someday. Oh and my gums smell funny. No joke. He always knew I was the wrong woman for him…it took him 22 years TO TELL ME THAT! Nah, they are full of shit. They say anything to try and justify themselves.
Bah! Were we married to the same man! I also got the motorcycle excuse! I refused to ride one.
“He always knew I was the wrong woman for him”
I heard that too. I could not compare to his high school girlfriend who stole underwear for him when she worked at Kmart.
True story
Men’s or women’s ?
LOL!
Oh gosh, I suck in so many ways its hard to believe I’m a functioning human being!
I’m controlling
I’m needy, but also too independent (the oxymoron faults are my favorite. If it seems like it might be a compliment, trust me, he had a way of making it come across as an insult)
I’m crazy
I’m an awful parent and don’t do enough for the kids, but I also ignore him and only pay attention to the kids.
I fold laundry wrong
I’m frugal, but I’m also a gold digger
I’m not feminin enough, but I also wear too much make-up
I have low self-esteem
I’m clingy, but I don’t show enough affection
I’m messy, but I’m also too sterile and don’t allow for a cozy home
I’m not humble enough
I’m not sexy enough
I don’t have a mean bone in my body, but I’m also vindictive and unforgiving
I’m a bad cook
I don’t greet him at the door like the dog does (yes, he actually said that)
I’m not healthy enough, don’t work out enough
I didn’t socialize enough but if I wanted to go out, I should have hired a babysitter
No wonder my brain was like mush! I actually should be grateful he wouldn’t stop cheating, because otherwise I don’t know if I would have ever realized the problem was him.
It is weird how we are walking contradictions, isn’t it? I got much of the same. clingy/not affectionate, frugal/gold digger, controlling/needy Boy are we something…
Just remembered another reason. The Wrong Spoon.
Mr Fab has a meticulously maintained beard and mustache. Because I never really gave much of a shit about matchy matchy silverware, our dinner table looked pretty random. I had a couple of soup spoons, but if I ever handed him this particular one, because we were having….err…..soup, he would sigh and stomp to the drawer for a different one. After Dday, he said I didn’t respect him enough because, among other reasons I always gave him the Wrong Spoon.
I left every other piece of silverware behind, but I kept my Wrong Spoon. It’s my lucky spoon now.
hahahaha! You gave him the wrong spoon! That’s got to be the best one of the day!
Up there on the petty list for sure! There is no Mr Mehphista, and might never be, but he sure as hell will not have a beard!
Honestly, I met Mr Fab in my early 20s and he always took 3x longer to get ready to go ANYwhere, never mind posh occasions. Who needs to pluck before a walk with toddling Kiddo in the Park? Might bump into Our Friend and Neighbor, his little bro’s ex, Kiddo’s auntie/OW, aka The Downgrade, that’s why.
That is, is she weren’t already at my table, eating soup. They were classy like that. If I ever get her alone* with my Lucky Spoon I may go the full Sheriff of Nottingham.
😊
Meh
*Not likely, as Kiddo and I picked another continent to live on.
I have to confess, this may be one of the ways I sucked. I have a small mouth and hate big spoons. I would bitch at XH on his night to make dinner if he served me my food with a big spoon – because I had mentioned 5,000 times that they were too big for my mouth and it just started to feel thoughtless.
More likely it was intentional. Disordered folk often do exactly what they’ve been asked not to do, whether out of spite, or to just make the other person feel unheard/unimportant.
Mine does this with towels. I don’t like him using my towel. No matter how many times I tell him which towel is mine he’ll inevitably use my towel. Drives me fucking crazy. I know he does it on purpose just to piss me off. He gets off on getting me riled up.
What is it with silverware? Mine loathed teaspoons, and wanted to throw all our ones out. I stood my ground here, and so glad since they’re my most used piece of cutlery. I can’t believe I put up with this crap for years.
Maybe you should frame the spoon.
I didn’t stop what I was doing the second he walked through the door and gave him a hug and kiss. And then, I didn’t leave him alone right after that because he needed time to “unwind” before being bombarded with questions about his day. I basically suck because I wasn’t a mind reader.
I rolled my eyes and sighed a lot and didn’t show him the proper amount of respect.
I complained when he brought a deer in the house and it pissed and crapped everywhere. So uncool of me!
I wouldn’t swing or flirt with the registered sex offender next door (“he’s harmless! and innocent too!”) and complained when said neighbor peeked in our window.
I didn’t make enough money, spent too much time with the kids and sometimes left toys in the driveway, wasn’t stylish enough and let my heels get rough going barefoot.
All true but since leaving him I’ve got my style back and spent some money on oils so my heels are nice and smooth now. Plus I don’t sigh in frustration anymore. Ha!
A DEER IN YOUR HOUSE. That’s a psych ward moment right there.
My favorites are these:
“You’re not a size 6”. (like when we first met) therefore I wasn’t worthy of his love or commitment to our 9 year marriage. I was a size 10 when he left me to sue me.
“You’re too controlling and I don’t need another mother looking over my shoulder”. This coming from a man with multiple DDays.
There’s a myriad of others. Search for my “He Said” post if you want to hear all the bullshit spewed to me.
I am not perfect, no one is. I know my worth now. Especially as I see the line down the street start to form as people start to hear I’m single. But that’s not where my head and heart are at. It will be a while before I get on the relationship ride again.
Where do I begin?
I was too confident, he felt like he was in my shadow.
I was too responsible, I took care of the bills and the children.
I didn’t value him enough which is why he cheated in the first place.
I didn’t respond with love when he told me he was cheating.
I didn’t fight for him, which meant I didn’t love him.
I didn’t lay down and die when it came time to divide our assets and settle spousal support.
I didn’t agree with his version of the truth that he was the victim in all of this.
I told the truth when our friends asked what happened…..he said it made him look bad. Well…you are bad so what do you expect?
I didn’t tell him how great and wonderful he was when he wasn’t being great and wonderful.
I wasn’t a good mother….he actually told me this when I saw the picture of homeslice and I commented about her teeth being yellow. His response “well, at least she’s a good mother”. He later took that back and said she wasn’t such a great mother.
And the one which sealed the deal…. I didn’t tell him I NEEDED him; he wanted someone who needed him, someone who validated him, regardless.
Lesson learned in all of this, I will never be with someone who needs me to fill their empty parts. It is exhausting and way too much work. I am not willing to do that ever again.
He and homeslice are perfect for each other….both insecure, both care about appearances and “stuff” and both financially irresponsible. They just bought a house, but had to have her parents co-sign on a home mortgage–kind of embarrassing when you make at least $150,000 between the two of you and you are 37 and 43 years old; last year they bought a vehicle at 19.4% interest….yikes!!
Good riddance. I get to be responsible for me and me alone.
I was “frigid.” And “an alcoholic.” Oh, and I tipped too generously.
When I was deposed on all three (seriously) and had facts to counter the first two accusations, stbx had to admit on cross that he was lying.
At one point, his own attorney and mine were laughing about adultery and financial abuse being right on par with a 25% tip at the Longhorn.
I had quite a few “fuck you” moments during that deposition. When both attorneys are on your side, you realize you’re walking away from a whole lot of crazy.
I was told I was an alcoholic too.
But this is seriously how much I drank the entire marriage: 3 days. Out of at that point 9 years.
But his claim was: “since they were consecutive days, that meant alcoholism.”
Seriously. From the guy that went on a bender so bad that he wound up living in the back of his car.
But I humoured him and took the John Hopkin’s test online. I am happy to say it’s the only test I’ve ever failed.
I am also painted as an alcoholic. As was Asshat’s first wife. Meanwhile, my daughters, stepsons and stepdaughters agree that I am not. He is. And he exploited AA for “easy marks” long before I met him. Projection much?
I bought bologna for the dog. This was a sign I didn’t love or respect him, because he wanted to “eat right” and I guess I should have realized the siren song of bologna would be irresistible to him.
I’m always thankful for this comment because that broke the logjam in my head and I started to realize I had nothing to work with in him.
Bologna as a dietary sabotage weapon? YOU TEMPTRESS!. Poor, poor “Oscar” (as in Mayer)!
😂
“…I guess I should have realized the siren song of bologna would be irresistible to him.”
OH my god, this made me cry laughing for ten minutes. I couldn’t stop, and I had to stifle myself so I wouldn’t wake everyone in the house! THE SIREN SONG OF BOLOGNA. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE.
(That was one of the ways I sucked, apparently; laughing at my ex’s ridiculous statements and actions after it became obvious the relationship was not going to survive.)
I didn’t nourish his soul.
‘Do you know what it’s like not to be seen?’
And the gold-plated classic, ‘We don’t even know each other do we?’ I got the black eyes with that one.
The lonely relationship was making him ill and close friends had been very worried about how it was affecting him (I wonder who one of those ‘friends’ was guys – answers on a postcard)
I needed to stop and think about the ways I had not faced up to the problems in our relationship of course.
Prick. Mine fits into that ‘nice guy great dad can’t have his image tainted bracket too hence why he lied through his teeth but of course I soon found out what had been going on and then I got it both barrels. Psychopath.
Well for me I suck because I made faces (huh!!)
Talked to myself ( well he was just a sack of potatoes on the couch watching TV)
Cleaned the house every weekend (because he made it dirty)
Expected him to make love to me (too tired from work)
Never did any work outside in the yard (weeded twice a month on my flower beds)
Everything is always about your family (because yours is 4 states away)
And the most dramatic way possible “Loves dies”
I now routinely make faces in the mirror to make sure I don’t lose my touch. Tuesday came and guess what I don’t give a fat rat ass where and what happened to his tightwad ass.
Love my life
He never got to surf
He wished he could Live in California
He wished he owned a nome on the ocean
I put peppercorns in the shepherds pie
I joined a gym and bought clothes for myself
How dare I get my hair done
HE supported me financially (supposedly) and at 40 while I was finishing up clinical hours to graduate he moved to Florida worked as a barback causing me to lose my home. He stated it was my turn to support him.
After two surgeries for prostate cancer a
Failed attempted for a working penile prosthesis and another replacement I was told he found someone and wanted a divorce. THIS WAS AFTER I stood by his side and went wothout sex for two years.
Oh and I didn’t know how toload a dishwasher.
Sociopath to me: You are too tough.
Me: What do you mean?
Sociopath: You have such high standards and your not flexible or forgiving with them?
Me: What do you mean by “high standards?”
Sociopath: You don’t have any tolerance for people who aren’t perfect and cheat.
Me: Well, why the f*ck should I?
Bwah hah! Yes, and I also don’t tolerate people who out want to punch me, feed me poison, or steal my wallet. Pesky boundaries.
Wow! Reading this list amazes me! What a bunch of mighty chumps! We women and nice men really do power the world behind the scenes while the narcs and selfish ones do there own thing! It’s our turn to live our own lives and benefit from everything we do and are without the vampires sucking us dry!
Amen!!
Apparently, I was a nag who “made him take antidepressants” when he didn’t need them. I also “made” him go to a doctor when he was fine. The final straw was when I “made” him go to a psychiatrist who made a diagnosis of bipolar disorder. So far, he and his now wife have managed to survive without him being medicated but she has the same tendencies.
Also, I asked him to load the dishwasher even though he does yard work.
And, I asked him to housebreak a puppy since he was unemployed and at home all day. (He didn’t do it and it took me two years to break her of her bad habits. The kids told me later that he would lock her in a room all day and let her out when it was time for me to come home.)
Additionally, the fact that I had finally found a job to settle into (we moved frequently for his work and I only took positions that I could easily leave) with major responsibilities and a supportive group of colleagues was detrimental to our relationship. I mean, why was I talking about something other than him and his work?!
OK, OK what in the whole wide world is it about loading the freakin’ dishwasher? I had one before him, I’ve had a few since him. But never ever once in 23 years of marriage did I ever load it correctly, to Himself’s specifications.
I read that at least four or five times on here this morning.
Oh, and I was a ‘barren’ woman—he was shooting blanks, the fertility doctor confirmed it.
I agree, there has to be something to this ‘dishwasher’ fixation. I cannot remember ever NOT having a dishwasher, but Dick never had one growing up, no garbage disposal either. I guess when we moved into an apartment and he finally possessed these appliances, he was now an expert. He would rearrange it after I had loaded it! Then, he would not run it…he had to admire his dishwasher loading skills, meanwhile, dirty dishes pile up in the sink… I am on the side of ‘if it fits, it ships’ and just run it. RUN it. Every. Damn. Day. He also had many rules about the garbage disposal. So. Many. Rules.
In our house it was my pouring boiling water into the sink (such as draining pasta); he thought I was a terrible person for doing that, even AFTER the plumber told me it was great, cleared out grease in the pipes, and sometimes I should drain my pasta in the bathroom sink or tub, too.
Plus I didn’t squeeze out the dish sponge sufficiently. And apparently I was bad at organizing the recycling in the box.
These were ones Cheater Narc complained about in the early years of our relationship – constantly, furiously, huge fights because of this tiny stuff! Eventually I shut that down, but it made me miserable for so long, and was hard on the kids, too, the constant fighting.
Agh, yet more proof I should have left him sooooo much earlier.
I got the dishwasher gripe too. I would load it and he would immediately unload and reload it in a huff and with a lot of attitude. I always thought that was the stupidest thing ever. Why? Isn’t the end result the same? What difference does it make? I used to stand there at laugh at him fuming away at my inability to stack the dishes as if it were Tetris.
I am a good person
I’m the kind of person that likes to “clean things up” (in reference to resolving issues)
I am amazing
I am the best mother he has ever seen
I am logical and really smart
I am a great business partner
I “won’t be out there long” (I guess I am so amazing that some guy will snap me up immediately after you divorce me? Um, no. Between the two of us, I am the smart one who realizes I have no business getting involved for a long time!)
We are incompatible
(He couldn’t be more right about that. I don’t want a lying cheating morally bankrupt emotionally immature conflict avoidant penis-centered uncommunicative strange-fucking
blame shifting partner WHO PICKS HIS NOSE AND EATS IT AT 53 YEARS OLD.
BTW….re: complaints are rarely voiced to me. He prefers to talk ABOUT me rather than TO me. He told our daughter that “I am selfish and don’t think about anyone except myself.” She told me this just before they left for the Christmas dance at her elementary school. The whole time they were gone, I was immobilized on my back on the couch with tears streaming down the sides of my face. I had a true narcissist mother; this comment was my Worst Fear Come True. I have spent my adult life clean and sober, in therapy, to NOT be like her. Prior to that night, he had never literally said one mean thing to me, or about me that I knew. It was a harbinger of things to come.
He didn’t even have the guts to say ANYTHING to my face.
The triangulating mind fuck. Mine was an EXPERT at this too. Complete lack of introspection. Compelte mastery of blamishifting, gaslighting, abandonment etc etc etc. Fuck him! Fuck your ex. Fuck all the fuckers who thing we are mere orbiting planets of their shining fuckupedness! Keep doing you ciase you’re AMAZING!
No!! to the eating of the boogers…….man-child. Gross! Thank goodness you’re no longer kissing that one.
Yep. He’s all yours, Schmoopie! Yecch!
My Ex used to pick dried mucus out of his eye socket and eat it at the kitchen table. I always tried to look the other way. But I did not know how to properly load groceries onto the checkout counter. Even though I was paying for all of it, every time, for sixteen years. He would insist on doing it by himself. Then chat up the girl cashiers and they would hand him my change. I would be annoyed and he would laugh at me. Ah, memories.
Chatting up the girls!!!! EVERYWHERE!
ANYWHERE! For years I just thought he was Mr Nice Guy being friendly. I am seeing that all differently post DDay.
Ah yes, the girls. CheaterPrick ditched me for a stripper. A few months later her sister got married and (I’ll apologize in advance because this just makes no fucking sense) CheaterPrick and Pole Pussy joined the newlyweds on their Vegas honeymoon. I saw a picture of the four of them on the sidewalk with a fancy feather-headdressed stripper hanging off each of the guys while Pole Pussy and the sister bride stood there pretending that this was fun. My chumpiness is confirmed because I actually feel sorry for her. She has no idea what’s coming but I do and it’s ugly. I just hope she is equally disordered and will be fine trading on to some other dude.
🤢🤢🤢🤮🤮🤮🤮
Eewww. That would have been a deal breaker. Hope his new side piece enjoys that.
Yes, I hope she does enjoy that. That and his explosive diarrhea all over the toilet bowl. But then, OW is someone who was known in her workplace for leaving small bits of soiled toilet paper on the toilet in the workplace ladies room. They are gross out soul mates.
I got from him ” the most important thing I Could have done for him was to love HIS mother”. His twisted version of the most important thing that a father can do for his children is to love THEIR mother. Very sick indeed.
My ex had his mother do the criticizing for him. This same mother also pick-me-danced on behalf of her son with the OW because OW was cheating with several married men.
So I was lazy and a poor housekeeper and failed to cook while I was in a wheelchair with injuries related to having her grandchildren and working full time while he didn’t . Also I “drank alcohol” (half a glass of wine) and kept these horrible dirty cat creatures that carry diseases. (She was far more likely to bring a disease into the house than an indoor cat.)
Mine are all kinda true actually.
1) “You’ve never respected me.” -He was a good friend since childhood and after dating a couple years as adults I knew we shouldn’t get married so I broke up with him…he begged and promised so I took him back. Those lasted until we got married then all those promises were broken…how does one respect a liar and a manipulator?
2) “You’ll be happier without me.” This was when he was explaining his cheating and wanting a divorce in terms of it being good for me…I was pissed at the time but it actually turned out to be true I am indeed happier than I’ve been in years!
Yes mine said the same:
I want you to be happy… I thought I was happy..
Exactly, we got along good enough, I thought I was happy, as happy as one can be during the season of raising 5 kids at least!
“how does one respect a liar and a manipulator?”
I’m still trying to figure out that one too. Also, how do you respect someone who does not respect you?
I didnt throw him a 50th Birthday Party. Not once in 33 years did he do ANYTHING for my birthday. I always had his folks over and played it up big. I was told by him he did not want anything for his 50th so I complied. Then he threw this in my face right after his girlfriend call me and told me about “them”
I wanted a house. Silly me. I thought we were raising a family. The family he wanted. Bastard.
I’ll boiled water incorrectly. Yeah, he actually said that.
I served dinner out of the cooking pots on weekdays. I started using serving dishes every night after he complained. He never noticed because by then he was complaining that we didn’t have meat with dinner every night instead of only 3-4 nights a week. I started cooking meat every night for him and the boys even though daughter and I are vegetarians. He never noticed that change either because I made the mistake of serving hot dogs for dinner (that’s a lunch food not a dinner food). My kids remember to thank me for cooking every night.
Of course he was late for dinner every night anyway but why bother to be on time when I couldn’t get it right anyway?
Chumpinrecovery,
Oh man me too! I didn’t make enough money. So I busted my ass to sell more houses. But then I didn’t cook enough, because I was too busy selling twice the amount of houses. So I started cooking more. Then there was always dishes in the sink. Then I didn’t clean enough, so I hired a cleaning lady that I paid for out of my income. Then he’s mopping the floor one night and was annoyed because he felt like “It was either him mopping or the cleaning lady mopping”. He was annoyed that I wasn’t the one doing it because I was a “spoiled middle class white girl” WTF?!?!
It was like climbing Jacob’s ladder at the fair, you were never going to win, you’re barely balanced every step of the way, one wrong move and you’ll most likely be flipped upside down and end up dangling precariously or flat on your back like a chump. And you had to pay the asshole money to play. What a joke.
I didn’t delete my junk emails and keep my computer desktop clean.
I didn’t chitchat with the security guard at his office when I visited once a year for lunch.
I didn’t keep my car clean like his when the children were babies and toddlers in car seats.
I didn’t wear a bikini on our vacation when my youngest was 4 months old.
I made fish sticks- on purpose.
Your making fish sticks–on purpose–made me laugh.
I am messy. I made more money than him. I am a good mom, while being a shitty wife. I am strong, so he can treat me like a doormat. He’s weak-he got that one correct. I had an idyllic childhood. I am not his soulmate-again he got that right. Big sigh.
I had changed. According to him I wasn’t that bubbly or smiley during the last 2 years. Maybe it was something to do with me battling breast cancer? I had also 2 blood transfusions and a full hysterectomy all in 2 years.
How could you?
I think our behavior reflects our marriages. Good marriage, honest, supportive spouse? We are happy. Crap marriage, disordered, lying, cheating spouse? No longer “bubbly or smiley.” Hell, no wonder we’re no longer any fun. 😂
I did not like sports, so he “decided to get a sports girlfriend”.
I also was not giving him some magical, indefineable, ephemeral thing during sex – though this was something he was never able to communicate or define so could we work on it. I didn’t know if he needed me to wear a wookie costume and sing “The Hills Are Alive” or if I should stand on my head with a trombone out of my ass, playing improvised jazz. This not being a sexual mind reader was my fault and my responsibility and I needed to fix this even thought I did not know what “it” was because judging by his response in bed he was plenty satisfied. Now of course I am pretty sure it was just a mind fuck to keep me off balance and pick me dancing.
I did not contribute enough to the household – even though he specifically told me to take this time to start my business and I was doing all of the housework except on special occasion when I asked for a hand cleaning a toilet or vacuuming before a big party.
And the biggest mind fuck of all – he liked all my talents and gifts and all the wonderful things I brought to the house but he did not actually like “me” as a person. Charming.
I’m pretty cliché. I didn’t workout enough, didn’t “give” him sex enough (3x a week = not enough), didn’t fold his underwear, had Post-partum Depression, asked him to do house work… Ya know, the usual. 😉
Lovewarrior,
If you can find my other comments (I don’t exactly know where they are on this thread) but me and two other ladies are discussing how post partum is often caused by verbal abuse. Google that shit. I had very bad post partum (REALLY BAD) and a woman from an abuse group sent me an article. My jaw dropped. Actually makes sense when you think about it.
P.S. I sucked because I always lost his socks from washing them. He used to change often in his car from gym clothes to work clothes. I would find socks in my driveway. But it had to have been me that misplaced them.
Fact, socks just disappear.
Instead of listing what my ex thought I did wrong (which was everything and a moving target), I’m going to list my actual quirks. My current fiance either doesn’t notice, doesn’t care, or finds them charming. That’s what love is. You see your partner’s quirks as an interesting part of their character. I:
– Fall asleep when watching TV (I have three young kids and a full-time job), but my fiancee loves to cuddle me when I doze
– Usually prefer quiet parties to loud, over-packed ones (so does my fiance!)
– Try to always keep my houseplants alive, but sometimes they don’t make it (and that’s okay!)
-Realize that having a dog would be too much work for me at this stage in my life, although I do love them, and want one someday (and that’s okay, too…he’s happy to wait!)
– Am in my early 40s, and he’s happy with that (he doesn’t expect me to look/act 18)
– Get overwhelmed sometimes with kids/work/house maintenance, and he’s there to support me (instead of berating me, like my ex)
– and on and on
Yes I have my quirks too. I am generally intelligent but I can be a scatterbrain. This leads to embarrassing although mostly harmless situations often. I have tried for years to fix this to no avail. My brain just misses things sometimes. I have learned to accept it and if my scatterbrain does cause a problem I take responsibility and do my best to correct it or make amends. Most people who are close to me find this quirk endearing most of the time, but ex was embarrassed to be associated with me.
I also have a tendency to show intense emotion when feeling overwhelmed or blindsided by the unexpected. It is mostly harmless. I shoot sparks to let off steam and then move on and work at solving the problem at hand. Sometimes, I might say something hurtful to the kids or others, however and I don’t like that. I am working very hard at fixing that one. Ex never mentioned this one in his list of complaints, however.
My ex said I am smart but scatterbrained airhead – how did I survive each day being so dense?
Well, I took care of 2 dying parents by myself while working, then after narc I bought him out, I have good job and take care of the house and our daughter – all by myself (she refuses to see him and he doesn’t even ask about her or if she needs anything). Yeah, I’m an air head sometimes but I don’t lie, cheat and abandon my family and have children while married to someone else.
I was always trying to poison him by using food like cheese with bits of mold on it. I finally said if I was trying to poison you, I think I would use something more effective than a little moldy cheese, ya think?
Such a drama queen. Do not miss him at all.
Not only a poisoner, an incompetent one!!!
Let’s all hope that whoever he ends up with is more efficient in the poisoning dept.
“A thousand little things and a few big things, but I can’t tell you because it would hurt your feelings.” What? Having a secret life and hundreds of sex partners throughout our 30+ year marriage wasn’t enough pain …oh and then there was the part where it was my fault.
OMG!!!! I heard THE EXACT SAME THING.
You must be my long lost sister wife!
My offence was having my own brain and saying no to him. In his words” I have no control over you.”
Well that was my cue…
Hah! When what they really want is a blow up doll. 😂
One time, my now-ex did something I disliked (that he knew I did not like at all because I had asked him not to do that every time he did it), and, that time, I asked him why he did it. He replied, “I’m trying to control you.” At the time, I thought it was a joke and laughed. A couple of years later, after dday, I realized he was likely speaking the complete truth. And that’s probably why he also pointed out my flaws repeatedly and made fun of certain things he knew I was insecure about. Of course, it was always done as “joking” so I didn’t feel I should get too mad because it was only a joke, after all! I didn’t realize how he was slowly making me more insecure over the years. He started this kind of thing after we were married: I was the frog in a pot of water on a burner while he cranked up the water temperature. Thank goodness I had a healthy self-confidence going into this, and we were only married a few years. After dday, I started to clearly see all the unhealthy stuff I had been putting up, thinking it was normal because none of us are perfect, right? Sigh.
“You could have cooked more…” He hated my cooking. It upset his stomach and he never ate meals with us. Because: beer. Plus I did literally everything else a and was exhausted. Seemed like the ONE thing he could do.
” You need to step up your parenting..” This was said after months of love bombing that I was the “best mother he ever saw…he is so lucky to have me….”
“You don’t like my friends…so I had to make new ones (on POF)” because his only other friends were a couple he had a threesome with.
” My kids never liked you anyways….” Saw his two boys (former stepsons) a few weeks after this and they begged me to attend their sporting games and reminisced about our camping trip 2 years prior, and admitted they had a picture of me with my two kids that they kept hidden from their dad and looked at often…..
I don’t know how to communicate.
I run out on every one. (More like escape abusive assholes).
He didn’t like my family.
Just a few:
-I didn’t acknowledge him enough for taking out the trash EVERY week
-I left the medicine cabinet open
-he didn’t like our wedding vows
-he wanted it to be exciting “all the time”
-I am too negative (this came out when I said that to pay off the credit card we should stop using it and he said that I just needed to think positively about it instead)
-and best one, I decorated the house too much at Christmas.
Just think positively as all your stuff is getting repossessed dude. See how that works out…
We didn’t communicate a lot, especially toward the end, but he made it known that I particularly sucked at:
1) Cooking smells. Marinara sauce is good, but cooking with garlic isn’t.
2) Actually, strike that, any cooking smell is bad. It just is. Toast smells.
I actually like cooking and I’m decent at it. CheaterX always had a limited palate. He didn’t eat many veggies, for example, and he ate only poultry (white meat only), and some shell fish. One thing I really like about being divorced is that I eat a lot more veggies now and have a lot wider protein options.
I remember that he once snuck off to Schmoopie’s for some sort of get-together. She sent him home with a styrofoam tray of leftovers, including barbecued chicken thighs. He never ate dark meat, and couldn’t cut his chicken from the bone anyway. I had to serve him boneless meat througout our marriage.
Schmoopie was under the impression that he liked to eat home-cooked meals. Boy. was she in for a surprise after she started living with him! He’d push around the food on the plate and then throw it out.
One of my favorite things about being divorced is that I can make whatever I want for dinner!
Cheater like red meat, chicken and fish, but I was very limited in what seasonings I could use. No exotic flavors. Basically is was beige meals for us.
I get to make salads as the main course now!
Oh my God, that reminds me. We used to go to a restaurant near here that served a small (free) salad to begin with. BUUUUUUT it had sweet corn in it! “Who the hell puts sweet corn in a salad”. So his solution was that we were NEVER allowed to go there again. My thoughts were it’s free, say you don’t want it or just leave the sweet corn on one side! But then I always was unreasonable!
I didn’t use every gift he gave me every day.
The gifts I did use every day got worn out and didn’t look pristine anymore.
I didn’t quit my career to be a stay at home Mom.
I wasn’t making enough money and wasn’t far enough along in my career (after thirteen years of cutting back to 30 hrs a week and making family my first priority when needed which was the agreed upon compromise to my refusal to completely quit my career).
When I started putting more time into my career so I could advance and make more money, I wasn’t giving him enough attention.
I didn’t give him the four kids he wanted (only three) and we didn’t have them sooner.
I gave the kids we had too much attention.
I didn’t seduce him often enough even though he blew me off whenever I tried.
I didn’t look sexy bundled up to go biking in subzero weather so I could continue to get my exercise and stay fit and not “let myself go”. He never actually complained that I had let myself go but made it clear he would think lesser of me if I did.
I was too predictable when it came to sex. He was only ever interested if it was 3:00am, five minutes before my alarm went off, five minutes before I had to walk out the door or Saturday mornings. I picked Saturday mornings. Yup, predictable.
I didn’t respond fast enough to his texts. When I started texting faster my texts were full of typos which made me look stupid and who wants a stupid wife.
We didn’t have enough money
I didn’t go clothes shopping often enough and the clothes I did buy were too cheap and I don’t know how to accessorize (“People will think I am neglecting my wife if you don’t wear expensive clothes and accessories”)
He didn’t feel needed.
I was too needy.
I didn’t have enough confidence after years of his putdowns.
When I made lunches or washed dishes I was mothering him, but he felt put upon because he had to do the laundry.
In other words, if I did it one way it was wrong, but if I tried to change my ways and do it the way he implied he wanted it done, that was wrong too. If I really loved him, I would be able to read his mind and know what he wanted even though what he wanted kept changing. If we were soul mates then everything I did would just automatically be just the way he wanted it every time. Good luck Schmoopie.
‘ If we were soul mates then everything I did would just automatically be just the way he wanted it every time.’
This is exactly what my ex thinks. And he RESENTS me because I didn’t fulfill his every need and wish every single time, without his having to express anything. Before he even knew it himself would have been great!
They really are very large toddlers, eh?
I got… i thought you could read my mind….wow toddler thinking style
I sucked at running our household budget because he didn’t have enough “fun money”. ((I managed to balance our budget while paying cash for his second bachelors degree and I had the nerve to pay off his of his 42K Student loan debt months.))
I sucked because I never let him take me on the bathroom counter or bathroom floor…um…ok.
I sucked because I never let him go down on me out of the blue while watching tv…um…ok…what do we do with the kiddos running around?
I sucked because I made more money than him. ((Well, obvi because he was a college student again and I was working full time. Would’ve thought that Master’s degree would’ve helped him see that. Math is hard.))
I sucked at planning fun, relaxing weekend getaways. ((It made him feel bad because he couldn’t ever plan a weekend away for us because he didn’t think he could plan it correctly. So, how is that MY fault??))
I sucked because i wouldn’t shave like he wanted me to. ((Yeah, I’m not a porn star so I don’t need to be bare or have it shaped like a star.))
I sucked the most because I filed for divorce and took away his cake. He is still so angry that I said no to our (secret one-sided open) marriage. God. I really am an awful person…the worst wife appliance ever. Buh bye, Asshat!
**paid off his 42K student loan debt in 24 months. Yeah, I sucked.
OMG where do I start! When he couldn’t make love to me(10 years of ED); it was my fault. He thanked me for being a loving wife and a great friend!?
He also wrote to me and told me that I antagonised and frustrated my family friends and staff and I always have done?! I walked out; he didn’t (when my oldest daughter & I caught his 60 year old miserable arse and his 38 year old MOW naked in our food van in the local swamp) & best of all! He told me to move on because I brought this on myself! What a delusional limp dicked loser! I have dodged a bullet! Imagine growing old with that!
I wouldn’t get clown boob implants.
I didn’t rinse dishes properly after washing them.
I didn’t support his hobbies (despite the 3 motorcycles, expensive 4 wheel drive truck, extensive gun collection and myriad of things he bought constantly, oh yea I was the only one working to provide all these things)
I was no fun (I wasn’t supposed to be tired after a long day when all he did was nap because he couldn’t hold a job)
I would walk into the bathroom when he was in there “crowding him”
I had bad taste in music
I didn’t “understand” his need for daily porn
I was too successful, made him feel less than a man (of course he never kept a job longer than a year because he was never appreciated for his greatness)
I once put apples in the streusel – oh the audacity
I mean the atrocities I committed as a wife must have been so hard to live with that it drove him to multiple affairs. I guess when you dont work it leaves a lot of free time to fill because I had to work. Funny how he didn’t mind spending the money. Le sigh.
OMG! This could almost be my cheater, lol! I too was the breadwinner and bought him anything and everything he wanted. But he felt like “he wasn’t contributing” yet, somehow, never managed to actually get a job to contribute. And yes, when you don’t work, you apparently have lots of free time to date other women that you meet on the Ashley Madison website. They are unreal.
Well in their defense they did all attend Cheater Academy, located in Cheaterville USA and obtained degrees in Cheating with a minor in Douchebagery. Apparently the textbooks and curriculum haven’t changed in decades. I hear their class reunions are the bomb! LOL
I was a “deadbeat.” (He’s a pro at projection!!)
At one point, after a job change (I quit a job after over 20 years when they cut staff and started expecting those of us who remained to work an extra hour or two every day for free), I made much less money than the Python so he had to pay more than half of the household expenses for the first time in years.
I thought reciprocity wouldn’t be a big deal. OH, BUT IT WAS!!
I’d been subsidizing him re the monthly expenses, as well as paying off his credit cards, buying him cars (used, but in excellent condition) and very expensive bicycles (he wanted racing and mountain and recumbent, etc.), and paying for our trip to Europe.
Because of his PTSD, I thought he needed to spend his money on toys and hobbies because that’s therapeutic – super spackler! I’d forked out tens of thousands of dollars over the years, the money moving in his direction and never the other way, and then when I looked for some financial reciprocity, I became a “deadbeat.”
Oh and for good measure, I was a “feminazi.”
FEMINAZI for the win 💣💣💣
Yes because wanting equal treatment is the same thing as invading Poland.
I load the dishwasher wrong. And I buy too much food that are just carbs.
I was “mean to the kids” – what mom doesn’t resort to yelling when you’ve got to get out the door and they STILL haven’t put on their shoes?
I “haven’t even tried to lose weight” – I’m not even going there. Fuck that shit.
I was “always in the bed” – well, when you have an as-of-then-undiagnosed sleep disorder that makes you completely exhausted 24/7, plus taking care of your new baby plus your older children (because heaven forbid he lift a finger), you just might be a little tired and need to rest whenever possible.
It was all deflection – he’s an addict and was (and still is) deep in it. I had started therapy and was working on myself and learning to not take his shit anymore, so he found a “better” enabler who believed his sob story about his wife who was useless and wouldn’t have sex with him (Really? So our youngest was immaculate conception? Oh, no – word spread in the family that I’d gotten pregnant on purpose to keep him around. Why would I try to keep him around if I had no idea he was wanting to leave?)
I’m so much better off.
“You don’t grab my butt when we have sex”.
(Pretty sure I did sometimes, but did he ever express this desire in 25 yrs? Nope)
I don’t like to be tickled. So, he can’t be the playful person that he truly is.
Also, I didn’t do enough Kegels to compete with his 25 year old mistress with no children. I was 42 and gave him 3 beautiful children.
Also, I got a wood chipper. He didn’t want to stay married to someone with only one arm. Apparently, the wood chipper will come to life and chomp
Into my arm some day.
Now that I think about it, there might be some wood that I would love to chip, but I guess I’ll trudge in down to the Land of Meh where we don’t get to do such things.
@coolinmn. That made me laugh hard, and I needed that just now. LOL.
Wood chipper huh? I would’ve watched Fargo. With him. At wood chipper scene laugh maniacally. Stop. Make direct eye contact with ex and while raising and eyebrow and uttering hmmmmmm!
You didn’t share my love of music. (She does.)
You went to sleep at 8 night after night while you were in cancer treatment. After putting the kids to bed. I was lonely.
You didn’t support my interests.
You didn’t have enough sex. (This is true. He has erectile dysfunction and over the years, sex with his semiflaccid penis caused nerve damage to my vulva. He found Viagra, but there’s no remedy for the pain. So.)
You don’t put the dishes away.
You’re less productive since you’ve had cancer. Productivity is really important to me.
You don’t care about my physical fitness. (By which he means I didn’t fawn over his newfound love of muscles by pointing out some by name and salivating, like she did.)
I was always too tired to do anything with him (quite untrue, as I spent many countless hours being his “audience” while he tinkered with airplanes, flew airplanes, learned to play the bagpipes (yes, I sat through the many painful practice performances…)) even though he never made any attempt to do things I wanted to do.
I never went to the gym with him anymore. (Sorry, I am guilty of not going 6x per week for a minimum of 2.5 hours each workout. Never shorter, even if I asked. I admit it.)
He felt I didn’t support his education since I wouldn’t let him “teach” me his calculus problems (despite the fact that I did allow this so often that it was the only thing he’d discuss with me, even at mealtimes…I did eventually tell him to find a tutor because I couldn’t take it anymore. Guess I failed as a wife).
I wouldn’t scuba dive with him…didn’t matter that I’m afraid of deep water and ocean creatures. At least OW does this with him.
I am too lazy and all I do is watch tv. (Even though I work full time and do 100% of the housework and 100% of the yardwork, including push mowing, because I don’t cook dinner every night, I have failed as a partner).
I didn’t come to Brunei to take care of him while he was sick (despite the fact that I asked repeatedly to come, and he kept insisting that I shouldn’t. I didn’t realize OW WAS there taking care of him the entire time).
I didn’t come to Brunei with him for the year he was stationed there (despite the fact that HIS dog was so vicious to strangers that I wasn’t able to board him anywhere, and thus had to stay stateside to care for him). I guess that was all on me then.
He is such an asshole.
Forgot to add: I got upset at him for farting in public. Loudly, frequently, and in front of both strangers and friends. Yup, I am guilty of this. I admit it.
He’s not just an asshole, Liz, he’s an uncivilized asshole.
His asshole is a perfect metaphor for the lack of respect he had for you and everyone else: just blow it out there because you think you’re so fartastic and funny. Ha, ha. You’re a pig with a loud butthole.
Lol! So true! He honestly acted like this should be a perfectly acceptable thing to do, and when I got embarrassed or asked him to just control himself, or at home at least go to another room…I was just so mean and unreasonable.
What the hell!
It was because he ate whey protein as a huge portion of his diet, and the idiot was lactose intolerant. No, no, he wouldn’t touch actual milk–that wasn’t part of his bodybuilder regime. But the giant jar of powdered whey with the muscle man on it? Absolutely. Farts for days. I hope OW is enjoying all that farting.
I played Candy Crush and Pet Rescue too much and “neglected” him.
I wouldn’t have sex with other people, even with a “hall pass”/permission to do so from my husband.
I wouldn’t laugh at his gross, lewd memes on Facebook.
Our DD was diagnosed Autistic at age 2 and he couldn’t get over it.
I didn’t cook healthy enough for his diabetic 300+ pound ass.
Oh the complaints…they are legion…I sucked big time because….
1. I was controlling
2. I decided everything in our 25 yr relationship
3. I didn’t dress like his mum
4. I spent ‘his’money
5. He couldn’t persue his dreams (he didn’t specify)
6 . His own kids were ‘holding him back and SUFFOCATING him’ direct quote and luckily it wasn’t my fault that time.
7. Women ‘trap’ men…that will be me then. …
8 . You got us into debt. … (by buying groceries and petrol)
9. I thought you could read my mind (no baby man that is not possible )
So ….sucks to be YOU because all that was pure projection! !!
I was laid off from my job a week after getting married.
I was too unorganized.
I didn’t go to his brother’s wedding because my cousin’s was on the same day.
I didn’t party all night with everyone at his cousin’s wedding because I was taking care of our 3 year old.
I ordered too many things from Amazon and as a result there were too many boxes around.
I wanted him to cut back on drinking.
I wanted to be given a heads up on when he was going to be late coming home from work (or rather happy hour).
I wanted him to read to our child every night.
I wasn’t ambitious enough in my career.
I complained that he only vacuumed the house when he said he was going to clean it for me.
I got frustrated when we couldn’t find things like pencils for homework because no one put them away properly.
I kept a household budget which meant he could not spend endless amounts of money on drinking before bills were paid.
I kept a compost bin.
I used eco friendly cleaners.
When I baked a created a mess in the kitchen (that I cleaned up myself).
I wanted him to unload the dishwasher once and a while.
I wanted to talk about issues.
I cut my hair to shoulder length.
I didn’t book a hotel that had a bar in it on our family vacation.
As a result of all of these things I was a bully who belittled and controlled him.
I spent too much time focused on our depressed suicidal daughter.
I kept the house too clean and was compulsive about laundry.
I spent too much time with my friends (because he wouldn’t get up off the fucking couch).
I didn’t communicate my needs to him.
All of these contributed to him falling into another woman’s vagina and watching a lot of porn. Damn, when I list it out I was just a horrible person for taking care of our daughter and house! The horror of living with me!
I don’t say good morning. I don’t greet him when I get home from a 12 hr day (um he apparently doesn’t have to greet me). I am going through menopause and it’s my fault that I can’t control my hot flashes and loss of desire. I don’t hug hard enough. I don’t kiss wet enough. My body doesn’t respond to his touch the way he thinks it should. “I’m a very physical person and won’t apologize for it” he would say over and over. This means “I want to get off every night whether I can satisfy you or not.”
I make more money than him and work too hard. Now that he’s opted out of our marriage he says it’s MY fault he has to go back to renting because he can’t afford to buy. Thank god I made him sign an ownership agreement protecting my equity!
1) I had a successful career that supported the family. This made him feel bad because he did not have a successful career or, in fact, a job. He did not have a job despite me *begging* him to just get a job because I was drowning under the stress of doing it alone.
2) I couldn’t stop the baby from crying. The crying gave him a headache. I was not soothing the baby appropriately.
3) When we walked somewhere, I failed to account for incline and shade when determining routes. He would spend the walk telling me how stupid I was to have chosen a street that did not have adequate shade for him.
4) I stopped choosing walking routes (or actually making any secisions at all or even having opinions) When “quizzed” about walking route or my opinion, I now deferred to him. This was further evidence of my stupidity.
5) He chose to get a vasectomy. I actually wanted another child. I don’t know how this was my fault but it was, and it earned him sex with a teacher slut from my kids’ school.
6) After a day at my job (during which he played video games and, I now know, had internet sex with random men and women), I sometimes failed to get dinner on the table for his arbitrarily designated meal time of 5:30. This was evidence of what a crappy mother I am because didn’t I realize our daughter needed structure and routine? If she had a meltdown, that was on me and my failure to meet the dinner time deadline.
In short, there are lots and lots of ways I suck, too myriad to name here. The only way he could endure my suckiness was to fuck randoms.
Interestingly, he adored his mother and she could do no wrong in his eyes, but she must have sucked too because his daddy was compelled to fuck prostitutes throughout their marriage.
OMG he sucks. A total loser who gets his kicks out of trying to tear you down. He has issues and they have nothing to do with you.
I was told I was boring because I didn’t enjoy playing golf or snowmobiling. I didn’t like these when we met. We were married for 33 years and when I experienced Dday this was used as a reason for dating other women and leaving. I was a very supportive wife and companion. But, I sucked in these two areas.
Well, let’s see:
* Yes, I was fat.
* Yes, I worked too much overtime.
* Yes, I wasn’t available for sex; when I made the first move, I was rejected. When HE had to make the move, I never rejected him. A little bit disconcerting.
* Yes, I was a bad housekeeper (see the “overtime” excuse)
* Yes, I was a bad person for wanting to read a bit before I went to sleep.
It’s too depressing; I am soooo much happier not trying to deal with his hypocrisy.
Go screw whomever you want, Dude.
Oh, yeah–I made grilled cheese sandwiches the wrong way.
Wifely sucktitude right there!
I was “too perfect.” (I am, of course, not at all perfect. I’m just decent to people, which sets too high a bar, apparently.) Also…my “oppressive sexuality.” (I would occasionally initiate sex. I thought that was what good partners did. Apparently, I was wrong about that. Initiating sex is now a form of oppression.)
Yeah, I wasn’t really allowed to initiate sex either. It went badly when I tried.
“I didn’t realize when you snuggled up behind me and started kissing my earlobe that you were trying to initiate. You should try harder.”
The last time I tried that, he rolled over and put his elbow in my face until I quit. Didn’t hit me, just kept pushing harder and harder until I let go and pulled away from him. A bit of a tip-off there, I think.
Oh, I forgot about initiating sex! I did, which wasn’t incorrect, however I was usually rejected (he was saving himself for porn). When I asked him why he never initiated sex, he got all sad sausage on me and told me that because I might reject his advances it was unfair of me to expect him to do that. He remained sulky and hurt until I apologized for the potential of him having his sexual advances declined by me.
Yes I have to admit I stop initiating sex because the hurt child in me( from my narc mothers rejection and then his rejection when he had an affair with our friend for year) meant I just couldnt( mentally I couldn’t face the potential rejection I am guessing). I also told him he would have to initiate sex because I wasn’t in a good place because of his betrayal. He said he had to leave because of that.. of course after he spent 4 years stealing our retirement fund and abusing me. I have to problem initiating sex now with a loving partner( funny that)
Wow. That is some serious pretzel logic manipulation right there.
Apparently, I didn’t shower him with enough adoration and praise when he performed amazing, momentousness, incredible feats like: taking an hour to clean a 1/2 bath, remember to get 90% of the shopping list at the store, only being 1/2 late picking me up at the airport, and getting me my 40th birthday present when I was 44.
I’m a horrible horrible person.
I didn’t dress up enough. While taking two kids to school and back, then taking the subway and walking to work, where I was on my feet most of the time, usually w/o airconditioning. One and 1/2 jobs.
When I pointed that out; you could dress up to go out! Except, we almost never went out, no matter how often I suggested or organized it. And when we did? I dressed up!!! And he ignored that. Made a big point, actually of NOT telling me I looked nice, or even looking at me. Looked really uncomfortable when other people complimented how I looked. The only thing he seemed to like was if other men stared at my boobs or butt. ICK!!!!
Oh, and when I dressed up to go out? On the way home (bus, subway, walking …) I would put on flats or sandals. So unsexy.
He also would lie there like a dead fish if I tried to initiate sex. But of course, when I gave up initiating, just responded enthusiastically when he expressed interest, I was criticized for never initiating.
Plus a ton of other complaints, most of which could be UBTed as ‘you didn’t constantly shower adoration upon me, while running the house, raising the kids, making more of the money by working 1 1/2 jobs, having tons of sex, maintaining our friend and family relationships, doing all the shopping ……’ I actually did shower impressive amounts of adoration on him – he just didn’t know when he had it good.
Best of all was the crowning touch; when I confronted him about Affair #2, he had a whole litany of criticisms of me, among which was my having recently stopped making his coffee for him (multiple times a day, and I don’t drink coffee). After 14 years making it. Because he had told me very clearly, on three different occasions, that it meant nothing to him.
So yeah, he had to have another affair because I stopped making his coffee, after he told me it mean nothing to him.
I wasn’t the “fun-loving” 17 year old girl who smiled all the time any more–well no shit I’m not! No one is the same person they were 20 years ago! I’m a grown ass woman with a very demanding full-time job, single-handedly raising our child, maintaining our home, paying our bills, financing your hobbies, and managing your image on top of it all!
He didn’t feel a “spark” for me anymore–WTF is this magical spark these idiots talk so much about?!
I paid too much attention to our son.
I volunteered too much–any time spent doing something for anyone other than him was not acceptable.
I didn’t show him I loved him enough–even though I cooked every meal for him, packed his lunch every day, made him coffee every morning, washed, folded, and put away his laundry every week, did all of his errand running for him, cleaned up every mess he ever made, and supported every hobby he ever got in to.
I wasn’t “exciting” enough in the bedroom.
I was too tired–it’s shocking how exhausting it is working full time, doing all the child care, doing all the adult responsibilities in our house and family, all while bending over backwards to try to satisfy an eternally insatiable black hole of a husband.
When I was nursing our son (who didn’t sleep through the night until he was almost 2), he would complain when I fell asleep while watching a movie or TV–he never got up with our son through the night, he never changed a diaper or gave a bath, but it was my fault for being exhausted because I had been up all night and worked all day.
I was crazy/depressed/not happy enough–turns out I was just unhappy taking care of a giant man-baby!
I “hate everything and am pissed off at the world”–projection much?!
I made spaghetti for dinner.
The list goes on and on. . .
I never realized how awesome life could be without a cheating man-baby dragging me down. I thought I was happy, I was satisfied with our life. He’s the one who walked out the door to go live with his girlfriend. After the shock of discovery and grief over my life implosion started to fade, I got a taste of freedom and I LOVED IT! I had never experienced this type of freedom in my adult life and it was incredible! You don’t realize the weight of the burden you carry until it’s gone. My 12 year old son is more self-sufficient and responsible than his grown ass father ever was and we have a wonderful life, just the two of us
Lesson learned: I will NEVER be a grown man’s mother again! If you can’t be my equal partner, I’m not interested.
I volunteered too much, too…..AND I made spaghetti for dinner!!!
The atrocity!!
I forgot to mention this one: I had a thyroidectomy and had to start taking thyroid hormone pills–what use would I be in a post-apocalyptic society if I had to depend on medication to live?! He seriously said that.
Somebody watches too much TV, I think!!
I didn’t hang up his shirts. I had four smal kids and did so much laundry. By myself. He had a JOB after all. I just sat home all daday, and his hands were too big to fold clothes. As the other adult in the house, Ifelt hanging up his own shirts was the least he could do.
I hung his shirts with the hanger pointed the wrong way.
You awful excuse for humanity!!
Mine bitched about the fact that I didn’t put away his clothes; his mother always put away his clothes. This was before kids, or maybe it was shortly after the first one was born. I looked him in the eye and told him he was LUCKY that I was willing to wash, dry and fold his clothes. That he was a full-grown fucking man and therefore he could put away his own goddamn clothes. That his mother didn’t work outside of the home and she still should have told him to put away his own goddamn clothes. I was livid that we were having this stupid conversation at all and to basically drag his mother into it too. Well. My libido wasn’t sparking for at least a week afterward. He whined about that too. I pointed out that if he wanted me to behave like his mommy AND he got turned on by his mommy, that was weird. I was his wife not his mother.
I was working 40+ hours per week AND was responsible for getting the kid to childcare in the am and pm. Heaven FORBID he should pick the kid up, despite getting out of work 2 hours earlier than I did and traffic wasn’t half as awful when he got out of work vs. when I did.
I didn’t have inverted nipples, like True Love # 3’s “classy, shy” breasts. I also came to orgasm too quickly and easily. “Real” women are a “challenge.” (To be fair, that particular OW legitimately believed he was single, poor thing, and broke up with him as soon as she found out I was still in the picture and washing his undies.)
It’s so weird to me how many of the things he wanted me to do to be a “real” woman were so inauthentic. I know it sounds pithy, but I think part of why he was so angry at me was because he couldn’t force me to be untrue to myself the way he was being untrue to me. How many of us have gotten called “psycho” for refusing to play along with their brand of craziness?
Oh, and I forgot: he was “forced” to lie to me about cheating because he was so afraid I would be upset and yell at him. This obviously means I have Borderline Personality Disorder and I’m an “emotional vortex”— if you feel like you need to lie to someone about, say, proposing marriage to someone when your wife believes you are in a monogamous relationship, obviously that wife is insane and oppressive and abusive.
Hands up! Me! Me,! I’m officially crazy…for refusing to take his nasty ass back! No problem! I’ll take the title. You can call me whatever you want once you support the kids. My worth is not in the titles he gives me . I think he was very upset that my identity did not hinge on his perception of me.
Here’s a partial list of How I Suck:
*You don’t bake enough pies.
*You don’t like to drink/get drunk.
*Your car is too messy….this was while I was hauling around multiple carpools with multiple kids involved in multiple sports/activities multiple times per week!!
*You don’t text me/call me back fast enough.
*You don’t want to have sex enough (3-4 x/week = “not enough”).
*The junk drawer is too messy.
*Vacillated between “you nag the kids” and “you’re too ‘easy’ on the kids; they’ll grow up to become ‘entitled’ adults.” He should know.
*You don’t like to motorcycle ride. (He was right, but I sucked it up and rode with him.)
*You like to talk about current events too much.
*You never hold my hand….someone else mentioned this, but he was always walking 20 feet in front of me, even after I repeatedly asked him not to.
*You don’t contribute financially. (I was a SAHM for 20+ years, a role we both AGREED I would assume, yet he was constantly and resentfully throwing in my face the fact that he was the sole breadwinner….even after I repeatedly and tearfully asked him to stop verbalizing it to me.)
Schmuck!
Not… enough… pies.
Of course! You don’t bake enough pies, your partner gets to lie and humiliate you, shred your trust and self-esteem, and unkonwingly expose you to disease, financial vulnerability, and open your life to the sort of toxic creep who has sex with married people. It’s the social contract! Meringues not cheap bangs! A la mode or hit the road!
I think I rolled my eyes so hard, I saw my frontal lobe.
Lol. So funny! And pies! Reminds me of… PIE, bitches! In a respectful, loving, endearment kind of way (and an old, but famous thread here on CL).
Aunt Podger – hilarious. Love your pie baking name!
Curious…what is the correct number of pies? Asking for a friend.
My dikdik ex left at 5 months pregnant, suddenly. On our way to dinner after buying furniture for the new 5br house we were getting and holding hands laughing about all the kids filling up the table. I saw OW calling on his dash – he’d told me he blocked her after DD#2. I just started crying. He turned around, took me home, kicked me out of his truck. Went to OW’s house.
Told me he “can’t stand me”.
Then later I get this text from OW (who is same girl he left his wife of 15 years about 3 years before we met – who also dumped him and moved another man in without any notice)
“It’s your faulk dikdik didn’t want you. You make him unhappy. dikdik hates you , his ex wife hates you, his boys hates you. Everyone hates you. He left you loved me. That’s how it always been and will be! We will do everything possible to take babyboy from you so that he does not have to suffer because of your feelings! He deserves to be with us and see what true love is! I’m here and loved FOREVER while you are hated”
of course they break up every 5 or 6 weeks. But now we’re in a custody battle and he’s never paid child support or helped in any way with the baby.
I hope you have a really good lawyer. People like that have no business being around a baby at all. Trying to take a baby from the sane parent and sticking him in a dysfunctional home with cruel people is horrific.
I hope you still have that text from OW to share with your attorney. She would be help make your case if she were subpoenaed and had to testify. What a piece of shabby work.
I do have the text, still on my phone and printed out. I tried to read it in mediation and the mediator CUT ME OFF refused to let me read it when we were discussing parental alienation. Turns out – I had the same mediator he used when he abandoned his ex wife for the same girl. Who he totally screwed (2 years of $200/mo alimony for a marriage of 15 years). NO WONDER he suggested her again! however, I had no idea because she did not disclose that info to me. No wonder she also wouldn’t let me read the emails from his ex wife about how she got screwed in mediation.
and btw… no resolution in mediation thank god!
Does your state license mediators? Sounds like you could file a complaint with the licensing board. Not disclosing a conflict of interest is pretty shabby at the very least.
Oh yes I will be filing a complaint as well as leaving a review of her on google. I saw how chummy she was with all the lawyers and I know she’s part of the big circle in my district. I don’t want to piss these people off. But I WILL be saying something about the failure to do a conflict check, as well as her gaslighting and bullying me – and trying to make me feel like a bad mom b/c I wouldn’t agree to no child support for60/40 – when he missed 52 visits in hte last 11 months… I’m still pissed.
Hey dikdik…I hope you have a face fire and someone puts it out with an axe! Chinga tú madre
Awwwww! Thank you tarabelle, that’s so sweet. He’s a sad loser and I really dodged a bullet with him. I’m not to “meh” and I’m def a bitter bunny, but I’m thankful that he left when I was pregnant instead of kicking me to the curb with a newborn.
Everytime I got a haircut I broke his emotional connection with me. Everytime I asked how he was it showed I did not love him because if I really loved him I would know how he felt and would not have to ask.
A haircut broke his emotional connection? Buy the man a wig to be “emotionally attached” to. Did he file a missing persons report whenever you changed your clothes, too?
I was too argumentative. (She knew I was a lawyer when we met.)
I was too messy. Yep, that one is true too. I agree, I should be less of a pig and I failed to clean up my act.
I didn’t buy her a big enough house.
I didn’t make enough money. (She made none and my income puts me in the top 2%.)
I am too controlling. True, I did repeatedly say she was not allowed to have sex with other men.
I bought organic milk. Seriously. That was the best he could come up with.
Chumpfor12, you bought organic milk – HOW COULD YOU???
(You can’t make this shit up!)
I want to play too!
I suck because I was lazy, too fat, frigid, and didn’t hold his hand or cuddle with him on the couch. I wanted four kids, which was two more than he wanted. I didn’t finish college. I wanted to be a stay at home mom and he never thought he’d have to be the sole provider for the family (obviously I wasn’t making a contribution by raising our children). When I went back to work, I didn’t make enough money. I was mean to him. I didn’t like going out on weekends when we were younger. I used my chronic autoimmune disease as an excuse. The list goes on and on. Too bad he just has FOO / mommy issues, depression, and low self esteem that he refuses to fully acknowledge. It’s much easier to blame me for everything. Fuck him, because I feel more alive than I have in years.
I had a hair growing out of my nostrel.
Yip that’s right gentlemen of CN. If you don’t use your nasal strimer 3 times a day your wife will cheat.
Can’t make this shit up.
So nobody told you a nose hair pushes spouses onto other people’s dicks? There’s an obvious cause and effect there. How did you not know?
NotMehYet2, hope meh is just around the corner for you!
My dad has hairy nostrils….he passed a few to me. I love my dad. Hairy nostrils are not a love killer. But clearly they’re an asshole repellant.
Cheerio to these shits!
I think it ultimately had something to do with the fact that I lived, breathed, did things in the world, had thoughts, used words. You know, basically existed. That was–and is–highly inconvenient for him.
I suck because I did not want to go away with him and play pool. Because I lost a few jobs and I was a bitch and lied. I suck because as he told the OW that I was lazy and never cleaned. I did not love him anyway. and those dam credit cards. How dare I use them to pay the taxes and pay my health insurance. He failed to recall that he only gave me $200 a week to pay the bills. Yup, that is why my Stbx screwed around with my POS cousin for 5 years. Yup, I forced him to lie and cheat all because I sucked.
financial abuse is not marriage. so glad you are out of there sis
Hmmmmm. After growing up in poverty, my dad is so frugal that he keeps my mom on an allowance (she works). Then again, he’s faithful and makes sure to take care of everything else financially. He really does seem to care about her well being (unlike our exes).
We had nothing in common we never did anything together we let each other go. He was a workaholic out 15 hours a day and then asleep the rest of the time. I cannot remember him booking a meal or weekend away since our first anniversary.
I wasted too much money on holidays- the holidays we booked together and he came on and always wanted to pay more to upgrade.
Best of all was I wouldn’t share a bottle of wine with him when he was trying to fix marriage ( yes fake unicorn kind of fixing) I haven’t drunk alcohol since I was pregnant with DD21!!!!
I was too passionate during sex. He wanted more tenderness so he spent the whole 16 years of are marriage visting prostitutes.
Been there. Wish I hadn’t. I hope you find someone worth being passionate with… I’m still in the ‘I can’t open myself up that way again,” ten years later.
My cheating ex husband was just…silent. Just left the marriage. Emotionally that is. Never a word of complaint. So my self esteem was completely shattered when I found out. Could not see any good in myself as a wife in the face of those UNETHICAL actions. In fact my self esteem was already sliding with a quiet lying husband.
This is so much more insidious and difficult than it sounds. No feedback at all. Just silence. Then Goodbye.
I didn’t hold the garden hose correctly while watering flowers😝
You are a monster~!
I “snap my fingers like a man” when I dance he said to me. How is that possible? Is there a gender difference to the sound of someone snapping fingers!!! WTF!!!! Needless to say, he is on his 4th marriage at the age of 62 and has a 1 month-old baby with his new wife who told him how long he had to leave his 3rd wife b4 she herself was going to start dating his friend at his place of employment. How’s that for an ultimatum for a married man to leave his wife?
Jesus. I’m sad for that baby.
I can say most of her complaints were valid. I was emotionally distant (true), I did not communicate well (true), I did not compliment often (true). I was not a good father (false)! That being said, even with my deficits, no excuse to got commit adultery! Pack your bags and leave!
Now let’s see….. her. Not much sex. Kids always first. Never could plan time away from kids. Lazy. Sat on her ass while not working refusing to clean or wash clothes. When I did speak I always said stupid shit (her words). I was a paycheck. And guess what? I did not cheat!
Seriously? Okay, you are annoying to live with (who isn’t) but that is license to complain and file for divorce. Not cheat!
Glad you are no longer married to her. Sorry you have to co-parent with her.
“YOU CAN’T EVEN MAKE DINNER!”
Estimated number of dinners I had made for him and family at the time: 3,000+
I repeatedly failed at having the kids (8 & 5) sound asleep past eight hundreds pm sharp.
Even now, after I kicked the fuckwit out, I get to hear how terribly tired they are when they are with him.
Sin 1: I left a stuffed animal 3 feet from a wall heater. A spark could leap out at any time, ignite the animal, and set the house (and our children) on fire.
Takeaway: I don’t care about our children’s safety.
Sin 2: I snooped in his email (uncovering oodles of unknown debt, credit cards, and secret 4-star hotel trips for two).
Takeaway: I don’t respect his privacy.
Sin 3: I get frustrated too easily when I am left alone for several days straight with two sick 1-year-olds that are screaming at me all day.
Takeaway: (I have no idea..um…I’m human??)
Sin 4: I have mentioned that I’m tired of our rental and would like to move into a larger house now that our family size doubled.
Takeaway: I don’t appreciate what I already have, and am horribly negative.
Sin 5: I ask to arrange a night out for us.
Takeaway: I don’t remember that we went on a date night 5 months ago, so I don’t appreciate what he’s already doing for me.
Sins 6 through 10: I don’t vacuum often enough. I don’t always have all items picked off the floor after the kids destroy a room. I ask him how work went each day (he doesn’t want to tell me). I heel-strike too loud when walking around the house. I rest my head against the headboard when reading in bed.
Lesson: I’m hell to live with.
1) I sometimes ate pasta at night. He never told how disgusting he found this which leads th 2)
2) he was scared to communicate with me. Though he is a 6’5’’ sparring tournament winning blackbelt who routinely made me physically cower.
3) 16 years prior to the cheating I made a joke to another couple at a couple place in Jamaica that we would never see again that I needed to train him to be a good boyfriend because he made me clear the snow off the car when I drove him home from school everyday and would choose to spend time with his ex girlfriend so not to hurt her feelings. Guilty. What a horrible 17 year old i was.
4) I did not meet his increasingly demanding and strange porn filled sexual needs. Since he was my only partner I agree that his hugely sexually experienced and desperate affair partner would do the humiliating things he needed to get him up when I found it bewildering.
I wasn’t young enough, thin enough, or pretty enough for him anymore (after 16 years).
I was too sweet (not “edgy” enough).
I gave him the Christmas gift he wanted LAST year.
I wouldn’t wear leopard prints.
I ordered what I wanted to eat at a restaurant (instead of letting him order two of his favorites “to split”).
My breasts were too small (they would grow if I cared enough about him and wanted them to).
I wanted a dishwasher. And a clothes dryer. (Crazy demanding shrew).
I was a lawyer (he HATED lawyers, but only after I passed the Bar Exam).
The list went on and on . . . .
“My breasts were too small (they would grow if I cared enough about him and wanted them to).”
Please tell me you told him the same was true of his dick. Please.
Sadly, I did not. I was too busy trying to figure out where that insane notion came from.
Say what? Did he mean they would “grow” if you got breast implants? Breasts don’t generally grow because we “want them to.” That is largely determined by genetics, density of breast tissue and weight. The only time we can will them to do anything is if we get cosmetic surgery to either reduce or enhance them.
What an idiot!
The asshole was a clinical psychologist, trying to convince me that if I only loved him enough I could grow my boobs. In my 20s. Yup.
Jeebus.
Say what? Did he mean they would “grow” if you got breast implants? Breasts don’t generally grow because we “want them to.” That is largely determined by genetics, density of breast tissue and weight. The only time we can will them to do anything is if we get cosmetic surgery to either reduce or enhance them.
What an idiot!
I got the ” I don’t love you anymore. In fact, there are parts of your personality that I actually don’t even like ”
I was a bad housekeeper
He married Too young
He “Might” be one of those people that just needs to be alone. ( This was before I found proof of this latest one)
You feed the dogs before me
I wasn’t home enough
I didn’t pay enough attention to him
You spend too much time with the kids
Yeah, a classic narc: the universe must revolve around him and him only. When it doesn’t, it’s everyone’s fault but his. Loser. His stupid excuses are as revolting as he is as a person.
I have trouble finding my keys or phone in the house. (Hint: toddler)
I grade papers late at night.
I show no interest for my daughter and make loud noise when I eat (to both: yeah, right).
I forget stuff he said to… his OW.
I’m too intelligent.
I stress him out.
I’m not sporty enough. Yeah, right.
I wasn’t as bubbly and fun as her.
I didn’t wear matching underwear/bra everyday.
I didn’t shave it ALL off.
I got mad when he didn’t come home when he said he would.
When I bought new clothes, I might leave the tag on the dresser instead of throwing it away.
I wore capris pants.
I was probably cheating on him too, since I work with mostly men.
I wouldn’t understand his work life as a paramedic.(nah, I’m just an engineer for a medical device company. I must not have the mental capacity to understand what you do in that fancy ambulance)
The ways I sucked that, after the first D-day, my cheating ex-wife expressly linked to her cheating:
1. By making her uncomfortable in her own house (meaning, our house)–by cleaning on Saturday morning. Say, between 9 and 11 a.m., which was how I was raised. Didn’t ask her to help, but simply by doing laundry and vacuuming and getting the kids to pitch in I was apparently rebuking her without even knowing. I was open to alternate plans, but her plan was not to clean. If I loved her, I’d live with chaos.
2. By being “too independent.” That is, not needing her to do for me (chores, bills, family stuff, etc.), which apparently left her feeling free to “invest” whatever energies she didn’t give to our family in side-dish romance.
3. By having standards and ambition. She said I lived life in a way that was difficult, wanting to achieve this or that, or finish work before play. In contrast, the AP she met playing video games online was cool with whatever. “When I’m with him,” she said during our brief attempt at reconciliation, “it’s like I’m playing a game on easy mode.” Yeah, I made the joke even then: She was all about being easy.
But underlying our relationship for years was a steady drumbeat of how I sucked. My music, my favorite foods, my family, my hobbies, –pretty much everything for which I expressed a preference, as well as my overall personality. It was unsophisticated, un-hip, sentimental, and deeply embarrassing. Now I see that the criticism was all about hobbling me, creating doubt, making me manageable. And largely it worked. At the time it was a downright brutal grind.
“But underlying our relationship for years was a steady drumbeat of how I sucked. My music, my favorite foods, my family, my hobbies, –pretty much everything for which I expressed a preference, as well as my overall personality. ”
Yes, to all of this! You have stated it so perfectly and succinctly. This was my exact experience, right down to even my taste in music sucking.
The constant narrative of everything I liked, thought and did being unforgivably stupid and lame completely decimated me. It is a hard rebuild after that kind of abuse.
I’m so sorry you experienced that, too.
Life with a cheater is never about us, or we, but them. Their work, their interests, their lives are all too important, and shouldn’t we sacrifice our wants because they are all too important? There is no room in it for any other Superstar (which I believe Chumps are!) which makes for a bad marriage anyway. Reciprocate? The norm in healthy relationships, but with cheaters life is all about what they want.
You sound like a pretty awesome guy. A man that helps out, is independent and has standards is super hot. I’d bet lots of much better women would LOVE to be married to you!
I have major suckitude too: I did not “support” my husband’s “dream.”
When he got a prestigious overseas job that would require us to move away from our country, friends, and the new career for which I had *just* completed three years of school (retraining required because of an earlier move for his career), I thought about how the move would affect me.
Yep, I had the nerve to wonder how relocating would affect my life. But the very first time we talked about whether we should stay or go, I said we should go. I agreed to pull up roots (for the third time). BUT, key here is that I had the nerve of thinking about me and my career and life. I am so shittily non-supportive. As my husband said when telling me I didn’t support his dream, “Who does that?” He said he just couldn’t understand my action and response and that he was deeply hurt (and acted disgusted in my presence).
A month later I discovered he was cheating.
1. I am controlling.
2. I wouldn’t let him get a full sized piano, he had to settle for smaller
3. I asked that he only have 1 drink when he is at a work happy hour and driving to avoid DUI–career ender for government official
4. All we do are renovations to the house together (which he agreed to and wanted)
5. I have medical issues resulting in joint problems and I put my legs up on his lap when we would sit on sofa and watch TV
6. I don’t want to go out, dance, drink and party (mind you, we are in our 50’s)
speaking of sucking, I didn’t suck on his nipples hard enough. I had other faults too. I noticed one in myself, like accepting he liked his nipples sucked, among other body parts. Must be some vestige carried on the x chromosome. Which one carries the cheating syndrome?
I initiated us getting married – no. I am fat (probably after 38 years and two kids) and old (yes we are both in our 70’s) . He no longer felt those butterflies any more and he joined a forum because apparently I insisted (surprise to me) that he be present at the births of our two children. It seems that seeing them born put him off sex with me. Pity he waited until the youngest was 31 to reveal this. Totally nuts.
I was selfish for 23 yrs (happens I gave birth 23 yrs ago), I am unorganized, and have the “wrong” tone of voice.
Follw up- in later years he said there was a lcack of intimacy – not on my part. He chose to sleep elsewhere claiming stomach troubles
I don’t suck!
OK, so I caused him stress.
But I don’t suck.
I’m the best he ever had and he f*end our marriage, 10 years together, our dream home, our perfect child…
Doesn’t make any sense, except the explanation that water seeks its own level. I’m OK with that.
My sins were manifold: getting stressed before holidays; not getting drunk with him ( I get migraines with alcohol!) ; and I don’t even like his music…. are three of them .
Apparently “it all got a bit too serious” .
We’ve been married 40 years!
I didn’t make orange juice for him whilst he was laying patio in new home do felt neglected and unloved.
Just had amazing holiday together ( or so I thought).
On the day we landed home he got a new mercedes sport car and surprise party with his favourite band for his 50th birthday.
Two weeks later I treat him to a weekend in London to see a very special collection of bands on Clapham Common.
We did everything together . My life was work or fuckwit….nothing else
But wasn’t enough. Is currently on holiday with slutress at resort we had been going as a family at least once a year whilst I am trying to get completion date on family home so I can move on.
“We (I still dont know why he said that in plural) think you do things slowly and stupidly” (I peeled a butter squash wrong apparently)
“You are such a grandma” When I cried when he got a habit of going out five nights a week (drinking with guys, not even cheating…), leaving me alone on a mountain in a jungle cabin (literally, even surrounded by venomous snakes LOL), quite lonely because it wasn’t my home country and my friends there lived far away.
And while leaving me over Skype (I was 8 month preggers back in my home country):
“You don’t like to sleep with the fan on”
“I like to do adrenaline things”
“You tell me to drive safely” (After he had hot dogs on the road I was scared his road rage would kill a kid or us)
“You tell me not to smoke” (I told him I dont mind he smokes pot sometimes, but he smoked all day and for a lot of money…)
hot dogs = hit dogs
There were times I was bedridden due to a chronic disease . He complained I watched too much Andy Griffith re runs ….yes , he actually said it to my face and in several emails .
Not sure why he cared. While I was in bed watching it , I’m SURE he was downstairs watching porn .
The only other complaints I ever got were I didn’t load the dishwasher correctly , wouldn’t get high or drunk with him , can’t close a ziplock bag correctly and I left too many pens around the house .
I don’t suck at all ! And I was a great wife ! The best he will ever get !
Andy Griffith was a GREAT TV show. So gentle and kind-hearted. Your ex is an ass. #Mayberry4ever
Amazingly, my cheater didn’t have one bad thing to say about me. I worked full time, kept the house spotless and cooked a delicious meal for him every night. Oh! And had lots of great sex with him. But none of that was enough when his howorker ugly skank woman flirted with him and let him know she would gleefully fuck a married man.
None of these fucks make any sense. You can do everything and it will never make any difference because cheating, immoral assholes are entitled. Their entitlement would stun a pharoah.
Here’s a list of my apparent faults:
1. I didn’t drive the boat enough & I held him back from becoming a professional water skier.
2. We had too many cups.
3. This family life prevented him from getting the boat he’s always wanted.
4. I don’t order fish in restaurants or eat it at home.
5. I use the wrong knives to cut things.
6. I didn’t direct him perfectly enough when he was backing up trailers and such.
7. I didn’t make any money as a stay at home Mom of 3 kids.
8. I expected him to do family stuff with me and the kids.
9. I’m not attractive. He settled when he married me.
10. I wouldn’t let him go out with friends of the opposite sex.
11. I put him in his place when he whined about his perfect life.
12. I didn’t fit enough in the dishwasher in each load. Oh and I sometimes left an unwashed pot in the sink!
There’s more but those are the ones I can think of today.
Too many cups, and you didn’t order fish. smh.
“He settled when he married me.” He’s lucky you didn’t “settle” a frying pan upside his ugly head!
Oh, p.s. I’m the best thing he’ll ever get and 100 times prettier than the double bagger he’s stuck with now. He knows it too because he’s all but come right out and told me. He also said I was the best sex he’d ever had in his life. Go figure. I quit untangling that skein years ago. Fuck him. He ruined a perfectly good marriage because he let’s his dick do his best thinking. 🥖🤡
“You smell of necrotic, rotting flesh” – the reason why my husband didn’t like having sex with me.
When what I was actually suffering from was BV, which incidentally, I never suffered from before I started sleeping with him and haven’t done since we split. No longer do I have to constantly wash my lady garden before and after or stick tubes of lactic acid up there to try and please him – something he never managed to do for me in 14 years……
When I was struggling with yeast infections and BV after my ex’s first affair (stress?), he was telling me about his male coworker who said his girlfriend had the cleanest vagina he’s ever seen. It felt like a put down while I was struggling to have good gynecological health.
Karen – he even made me get tested for STIs at our local clinic, the irony being that as he was my first sexual partner if I did have anything I would have caught it from him!
I wonder how vaginal cleanliness is classified? Perhaps the absence of Cheerios, bits of fluff, loose change, popcorn – you know, the kind of stuff that if you drop it you occasionally find in your bra when you take it off at the end of the day……
….chances are that we had the ‘cleanest’ vaginas of all, trying to keep the BV and yeast infections under control :_(
I wasn’t as creative or talented as him.
I didn’t enjoy his hobbies–even though I accompanied him on many of his historical re-enactment trips and dressed the part to placate him.
I don’t like dogs.
I was 5 minutes late picking him up from work–the only possible explanation for this is that I must be cheating on him.
I traveled once or twice a year for work–I would meal prep before I left and arrange for my sister or mom to take care of our son while I was gone. I always thought he hated it when I traveled because he had to do things for himself while I was away. Turns out, he was always mad when I traveled because he thought I was cheating on him when I was out of town–I laughed in his face when he said that to me after D-day.
According to him, I once told his best friend “something he would never forget” but would never reveal to cheater ex-husband what it was and that “really messed him up”. In fact, that was proof that I had been cheating on him with his best friend for our entire marriage–Neither I nor his best friend have any recollection of this conversation ever happening.
I didn’t support his dream of quitting his actual job that paid money and provided his health insurance and only doing his hobby of leatherworking and gun making and living on my salary.
I don’t remember specific complaints from my ex, but I do remember one time I got into bed and said something like “I haven’t stopped running since my feet hit the floor at 6 a.m. this morning, I’m tired.” His response was, “Why, did the doughnut truck drive by?”
Now, this is how sad and insecure I was about my weight at the time: I actually laughed. He did too. But that stung. He knew which buttons to push to make me feel less than.
The fact that all of his affairs were with 27-year-old women, model-thin, and blonde, made me realize he had a type, and he married me because I was that type at the time. He didn’t marry me because of my uniqueness. That really hurt. He didn’t care that I worked fulltime and then put in another 40 hours at my other job of wife/mother/chauffeur/maid/grocery shopper/planner. Any help I asked for was resented. He let me know that he did waaay more than most men he knew to “help out around the house.” He had no interest in being a partner.
He did tell me, when he said he thought we should no longer be married, was that he didn’t know why he felt the way he did. It wasn’t like I prevented him from doing the things he wanted to do. But he resented me and it was unfair to me for him to continue to be married to me. He wanted to stop hurting me by leaving me. (I guess he thought he was being a good guy here.)
Oh well, he’s not found the perfect replacement, maybe he’s figured out he’s not meant for fidelity, just romance.
What jumps out here is that, “ He had no interest in being a partner.” And it is unfair to be living a lie with a spouse who is honest, trustworthy, and faithful. When X left he did me a favor as “that boat was never going to float.”
Yes, Drew, that’s the conclusion I came to, that he decided he couldn’t be, or wouldn’t be, what he needed to be to stay in the marriage, so he cheated and then he left.
It took a few years, but I finally understood that I could have been perfect, and he still would have left.
He knew our marriage wasn’t what it could have been when I didn’t high 5 him at a baseball game. (Never mind I was the 3rd wheel all of the time to him and his best friend.)
He cheated because he was emotionally and physically neglected while he worked 60+ hrs a week and I was waiting at home by myself.
I didn’t use matching pegs when I hung out his laundry.
My fatal flaw, obviously.
Chuckle….. Oh lord forgive you!
Funnily enough, I like to match pegs hanging out laundry, this was criticised by cheaterX.
I wasn’t quick enough to ask him how his day was. Every damn day.
If he could beat me to the punch, I would get the inevitable “My day was fine thanks for asking” in an argumentative or sullen tone, depending on the day. I actually got that once (I found out later) after he had just come home from f’ing his 1st OW (that I know of). Used it as an excuse to get mad at me and stalk out to his buddy’s place across the road.
‘How was your day honey?’
‘Well the Babby-need-a-daddy I just screwed asked me about my day faster than you did. You suck.’
Yeah, glad I didn’t ask.
Oh, what the eff is it with the dishwasher??? Yes, I would load it, he would go behind and rearrange.
I never wore the earrings he gave me for Christmas that one year. (Because they were blue zircon and I had told him repeatedly prior to his ‘thoughtful gift’ that I disliked that stone).
I didn’t fold towels correctly.
I never cooked. Truthfully, if I started to, he would come into the kitchen and criticize every little thing I did, so no. I didn’t. At least not when he was home.
Lastly- I wouldn’t stay married to him and act like nothing was happening when I discovered he was fucking his *now* ex-bestie’s wife. Because, as Asshat told me, it “didn’t effect me”. Huh???
Yeah. I am horrible.
Yes I got that resentment. He couldn’t pull the wool over my eyes anymore .
He hated it .
There’s definitely something about these disordered types and our skills or rather lack there of on loading a dishwasher !
Gah ! It was a constant complaint in our house and yet ….he never loaded or unloaded the dishwasher anyway !
Mine is simple. I don’t mop enough.
I lol’d at this!
According to him I had postnatal depression after our second daughter was born, and this made me so horrible that he was forced into the arms of OW1, our employee
According to me, I had a distant husband who was out with hobbies 3 nights a week and most weekends– because he worked so hard, you know- and undiagnosed fibromyalgia. Also Miss 1999 lurked through our whole marriage, so….
My daughter and I saw OW1 out with a new boyfriend last week. ” should we wave?” DD1 asked ( who knows the details). OW 1 was so much more normal than Miss 1999( who is now the fiancee) that we felt nostalgic
I was a bad wife because I didn’t have a lingerie draw! Sadly I believed him…. he was happy with everything in his life but me…… his career his body his kids but me nope fat couldn’t get my shit together loose weight and go to the gym I was misereable always and I didn’t have lingerie draw…… trying to get up from under the abuse. Could use help and a good laugh
Stop letting his canned insults take over your brain. When one of those things start their crawl, just tell it to STOP. I know, it sounds weird, but you CAN stop those things. I have to do it myself. Once you say STOP, think of something you like to do, or listen to a song you like, or do something for yourself, NOT HIM.
Don’t let him terrorize your life; you deserve better than him.
(((Hugs)))
MightyMiss, I think that when we are surrounded by crap (and life with a cheater is all crap), we can sometimes sabotage our best selves. The key is to know that you are a beautiful person no matter what your challenges are. Life is hard with the disordered, and so much better without. To move forward, my family and I refer to one of our favorite movies, What About Bob? Baby steps…. I need to lose weight too and realize I need to make small changes now. So if a good habit takes about six weeks to work, swap out trash foods for healthy ones, drink more water (adding lemon makes it taste better🙂), and get moving (dance, walk, swim…). You and I got this.
I suck because I stupidly took him back to reconcile. Whilst he lined up his ducks to leave.Big mistake !!
Evidently I suck because I didnt give him enough attention, whilst doing everything and working full time . Your 54 for effs sake !! Get off your arse and help !!
My roast potatoes werent as crispy as they used to be !!
He said theres things you can talk about to another woman you cant talk to your wife about . So obviously I sucked there too .
You cant make this stuff up .
It didnt matter nothing could fill up that whole where his soul should be .
These comments could go on forever…!
I had a steady job and paid all the bills but he resented me.
I wouldn’t approve of him getting another tattoo… I love tattoos on men!
He didn’t want another child. After we’d discussed it for months.
He never wanted to move house. After we’d discussed it and viewed several properties (probably why he persuaded his slut to move into our old flat, so he could shag her there and play happy couple in our old home!)
All I care about is money – after he persuaded me to take out a joint loan as he couldn’t get credit in his own name, so he could set up a business, (with the slut who rented our old home from us, telling her it was ‘his’ money)
Lying to me for 21 years about his father, saying he lived in London, then the other women tells me his father is dead and he was at the funeral, then his mother has no choice to tell me after I asked her outright that she never told him who his father was….. So years of fabrication and “I’m going to visit my dad as he is up here on business”.
I’d apparently moved out and left him with two kids, according to the 2nd OW (a colleague aged 28 to his 40) …. Funny how he’s not seen his kids since February 2017 then.
What a mess his head is. I was his cover. I was the sane one. Even though he has pushed me to the brink of insanity….. I have the kids, decent job, 2 properties, decent life. He lives in a caravan in the 2nd sluts mum and dad’s garden.
Yee ha!
I passed out, fell and busted my chin wide open
the day ex was due to run a 10k with his friends and he had to miss his race. This wasn’t a special once in a lifetime race, just one of several he did every year. He wasn’t competitive in his age group and it’s not like this was the flipping Olympics, but boy did he let me know how bad I sucked.
(Fun fact: i should mention that this occurred less than a week after I completed my last round of radiation treatments.)
So I sucked by getting sick and getting injured. He was “tired of everyone giving me so much attention and ignoring him”. Poor sad ignored sausage. I would’ve gladly let him be the one with cancer. (Hell I would have actually stuck by his side…but truth be told he was cheating long before all that.)
Yep I really sucked. 🙄
OMG where do I start!
I can’t cook and everything I make is bland
I can’t organize and make a list and shop for the week
I always loose my keys
I enable the kids
I have no friends
The house is always a mess
I have a stupid History degree
I never supported him or his career (I stayed home to raise our 4 daughters)
No one cared if he was away for work or if he was home (He’s a pilot)
I could go on and on and on….
My STBX was a serial cheater – when he met his latest girlfriend who was/is my blessing in disguise to end this marriage – he said that he always saw hate in my eyes (because he was always cheating on me?) and he thought that I couldn’t care less where he was or who he was with (he would still come home for cake – live here, we would hang out and have sex….he could hang out with his kids – he’s right – why would I care?) What an ass…..
Well it is over now. 20+ years of emotional abuse is quite enough. I see it all so clearly now but it took me a while!!!
Every time there was another woman – and there were many, many times – there was always something wrong with me and we fought our biggest fights.
Yes i finally worked this out . The put downs and being picked on .
So today is my 33rd anniversary and my husband is living with his 34 year old girlfriend. He stalls the divorce. Before he left he told me it didn’t matter how much weight I lost ( I was a size 2) or how fit I was. I couldn’t be younger. Really? Wtf!!! I believed. I tried. He was the stupid shit who threw it all away.
Mine repeatedly shamed me over my weight gain over the years. Now I am a size 4 and he’s shtupping two women who are a lot bigger than I ever was. They don’t have a ‘type’. They just want cake. Trust that he SUCKS.
My ex told me when I was 50, I wouldn’t have anything he would want to see. Then, he cheated on my 24 year old self with a 50 year old.
Let’s see…. I didn’t have dark hair, (I am a natural blonde), I don’t have brown eyes (my eyes are blue), I am not tall and willowy, (I am petite.) Nope that was his brother’s wife he was comparing me to.
Also I had a “fuck you” attitude…. (refused to let him be total lord and master and me be the slave.) Didn’t clean house up to his standards? (I told him I would clean up to my standards, and if he wanted his standards, have at it, Buddy.) Strangely enough he never did. He wanted to control everything in our lives and I refused to let him, nasty bitch that I am. No wonder he had to cheat, poor baby.
Mine wanted total control too. Thought that as soon as we got married it would become “yes sir, no sir, 3 bags full sir”, just like in the Marine Corps. Trouble was, I wasn’t a marine, I had gotten a job in Switzerland at age 21, had my own money and a great lifestyle. Until I met him. He thought he was gonna lie in bed all day and as soon as he got up (around mid-day) I would run lovingly in to make the bed for him. He used to scream (and hit) and stomp his little feet to try to be the lord and master. Fuck you, you inadequate prick!
*I* single handedly ruined his credit when we bought a house, had 3 major disasters in it that insurance didn’t entirely cover to fix or it wasn’t covered at for all, and tried desperately for a year to catch up on bills. Worked more hours, scrimped and saved, but if our kids needed anything or I bought anything needed for the house it was a direct acting against him. That was entirely the reason it was okay to leave me, our 20 year marriage and our four children for random 20 year olds online, over the last month- quite a few who he found had catfished him- but this latest girl- she’s the sparkly shiny new toy that is THE ONE!! Not much older than our daughter but worth draining what money we did have for a romantic getaway before deployment. This is only probably the 15th actual affair, and thousandth online one in the last 15 years, I found out, but somehow, I have been so high on hopium from all the times he says he loves me and wants to change and will do anything, instead of looking at his actions, where he doesn’t like reading books, and shrinks are quacks and talking about it just throws it in his face and shows him that I can never get past it. So now of course, why even try? And I ask myself- why indeed? She wins. She can have the sparkly shit from now on. I’ll focus on the kids.
Mel
I’m so sorry for your loss. You had nothing to work with. Trust that he sucks.
I sucked because I always ASSUMED “things”. It was his favorite argument.
If he would have opened up and shared thoughts/feelings, I wouldn’t have been in the position to have to guess!
Maybe if I knew of your “unhappiness” we could have addressed the issue(s)???
I think now he purposely kept things from me so that he could go back and rewrite history. This way he could always come up with a way to make me feel petty or thoughtless.
It was truly a great mind-fuck.
I didn’t listen to music the right way. And I thought about the future too much and could never be spontaneous.
I sucked because I didn’t want to let him pee on me or pee on him.
I sucked because I didn’t want to go to a nude beach with him, so he went without me.
When we went abroad to see my father who was dying all my husband wanted to do was go to a nearby (by car) nudist beach. I have serious body issues and very fair skin and I burn easily but as he drove us over to see him we went everywhere he wanted to go. When I challenged him about going to this beach 3 days in a row all he could say was ‘you don’t want to just sit at home and watch your father die, do you?’.
Well, now you ask, no I didn’t, but I also didn’t want to be the only person sat fully clothed on a nudist beach for 8 hours a day, burning any bit of skin that wasn’t covered, watching you parade yourself and giving me your opinion on other people’s naked bodies. I would have rather walked into town, had a coffee, gone to a museum – anything to make the whole visit less stressful – anything, other than go to that bloody beach.
I know how awful this sounds, but it was a relief when my father finally passed away and we then had to stay at home and help my stepmother arrange his funeral.
Even when my father was dying, it was all about ‘him’.
That is horrid!
I am so sad that happened to you.
We married in 2003. 10 months into the marriage, he suddenly announces that he’s been thinking of divorcing me for “some time.” Long story short, I agreed to go live with a friend for a month in order to give him some space.
I did a phenomenal job of that “space” thing. For three weeks I didn’t see him or speak to him except for one time that I accidentally bumped into him and his dance partner on campus. But after three weeks, my loneliness was killing me. I decided to pop in at home for a night so we could talk and I could see if he was ready to work on the marriage again. I tried calling first to see if he was okay with that (he didn’t have a cell phone, no answer on the home phone), then I tried e-mailing. When I hadn’t gotten an answer by 10 pm at night, I said good-bye to my host for the night and went home to my apartment.
He came home at almost midnight and when he saw that I was home, he started to shriek at me, “You said ONE MONTH! You said a MONTH!” He began demanding that I return to my friend’s house immediately. I told him it was the middle of the night and she was asleep, but I would go back the next day. Not good enough; he was livid.
I couldn’t understand it. I explained to him that I was lonely and I just wanted to see him, plus I had done such a good job of giving him his space for three weeks. He just kept on hissing at me, “You said a month!” It was as though there wasn’t enough room in the world for the evil of a woman coming home to her own apartment to check in with her husband because she loves him and misses him. I went back to the friend’s house the next day.
One week later, when the month was up, he immediately resumed pushing for a divorce. He said the reason was because I had said I would give him a month and had come home a week early, even though I had tried to check with him and had gone right back the next day. Yes, the divorce was all my fault, you see. I was just baffled by his bizarre behavior and the pettiness.
Of course, he was cheating on me (I learned this in 2014). Me going to stay with a friend for a month had let him turn our apartment into his cheater Batcave. The real reason he got so damned upset was because I had come home and almost caught him.
That is why I suck.
Just remembered that he was pissed I literally slept in our suburban because when I went to his sisters home the first time and we were spending 4 days there , he didn’t tell me she had 5 cats and that she rarely vacuumed . When we went to the bedroom at 11pm I could barely breathe as there was cat hair everywhere !
I faked him if we could go to a hotel and he said his sister wouid be embarrassed so I literally slept in the vehicle while he stayed in the house . Around 3 A.M. he came in the car to have sex with me and after when back in house to sleep .
Gah !!! I just thought of this . Forgot all about it until I was reading these .
He was worried again about perceptions while I had to either struggle with cat allergies or be reduced to sleeping in a vehicle and getting fucked . Both literally and figuratively
I let my wife stay out all night with her rock band. Take trips with her girlfriend while I took care of the kids. When I caught her cheating, she said I was controlling. I was mortified and didn’t know who I was. I thought I was the laidback husband who let her do whatever she wants. So we went to marriage counseling and I wanted to discuss how I was controlling, so I can become a better husband. She told the counselors that I made her log in our finance book if she takes more then $200 at a time, out of our savings. Anything under $200 she could write petty cash. I said I did this because we got in trouble financially in the past and wanted to avoid it from happening again by keeping track of where the money goes. It was at that point I realized she is grasping at straws and I will never make her happy no matter how much I loved her. It’s nice to know there are plenty of other cheated on women out there that are looking for a real genuine committed relationship!
Wow. I was too controlling as well. Didn’t mind that he basically did what he wanted to, whenever he wanted to, although I had an honest opinion. Every choice he made was done to please him, no one else. Two years leading up to Dday he was spending 8 hours at the club while the kids and I waited for him to choose to spend time with us. He never took time off work (and accumulated lots of vacation, and sick time to benefit his lying ass later) because he had plenty of PTO. Most of the time he’d go to one of *his* tournaments, without us, his family. I really didn’t mind until I realized he had been fucking his racquetball partner (and dissipating community assets). These fuckers make absolutely NO SENSE at all. As CL says, “they just keep moving the goalposts.” DD61999, May you stumble upon the partner of your dreams, where you will know that real people aren’t a bit like our exes.
I got the “you are too controlling” bullshit as well.
Obviously I wasn’t too controlling, because he was fucking his best mate’s little sister, who was underage at the time, now am I?
My cheater to me: “You spent all your time online.” (I was undiagnosed but clinically depressed at the time.)
Yep, that’ll totally make your dick fall into the nearest hidey-hole.
You wouldn’t let me mount the TV on the wall.
Seriously? Sounds like a legit reason to cheat.
“Why do you want to learn my native tongue, it’s a useless language to learn anyway” (Probably that he didn’t want me to be able to understand him bitching to his non-English speaking friends and relatives about me)
“You didn’t give me enough attention” (said after I had given him ample solutions and suggestions to all of the problems he bemoaned that he had – which he promptly ignored just to complain about the same thing hours or days later. And then subsequently started chatting up an underage skank from another country online, when I promptly ignored his crazymaking afterwards).
“You don’t wear makeup or dress yourself up, and you wear your hair the same way every day” (I’m a simple creature. Fuck spending 3 hours to get ready, those 3 hours could be spent doing far more productive things).
All of these reasons are shallow even without the cheating. Fortunately, my current partner loves the fact that I’m simple-living, doesn’t constantly attention-whore for kibbles, and is extremely supportive of my efforts to learn his native tongue. Funnily enough – he comes from the very country in which the person in the first example showed some disdain towards!
There was far more than this, but those are the three which come to mind first of all when responding to that question.
I didn’t ask about him enough on the phone when he was away for work, I talked too much about our children.
When I was talking to him on the phone I could ignore the kids messing about when talking about them or myself but not when it was time to talk about him. They were 2 & 4 years old.
I didn’t ask enough questions about his work accommodation. Basically I didn’t engage in enough of a question and answer interview process with him, because this is apparently how married people communicate and they don’t just volunteer their own information and news and have to wait for their spouse to ask them leading questions.
I didn’t get off the sofa one time (out of 4 years of doing so many many times) to greet him at the door when he got home from working away. This made him feel ‘this big’ and was a very nearly last straw for him in his awful marriage. It was so bad he told his mum, his sisters, his friends, of my awful crime.
So…there is no good reason for cheating. It’s clear to me that most of our exes walked because we discovered the truth, and no longer tolerated the abuse. Cheaters go to great lengths to rewrite the narrative, much like the criminal who doesn’t fess up to/own the crime he/she committed. As much as they believe their falsehoods, it is not the truth. So, on to a better life!
Among some of my faults:
1) I wouldn’t go to the nude beach, so he would go without me. Which I didn’t accept.
2) I wouldn’t lie in the tub and let him pee on me or vice versa.
But I was great at everything else, good cook, kept a nice warm and welcoming house, paid all the bills, etc.
I once was in a mood where I let my ex pee on me a little bit. But, I started gagging and had enough. Didn’t matter to him. He emptied his full bladder on me while I was upset and gagging. Had to take a shower after that.
“She seems to use any thing and every thing that is remotely negative to aid in her ‘side’ of things. Truly don’t think she wants this to work out. That she would rather cling to her hurt the same way she has clung to negativity her whole life.” –That was from Narc’s journal our therapist made us keep during a lame “boot camp” thing we did. So, there you go: Getting upset that my husband cheated on me the WHOLE marriage and had the audacity to stand up and say it was wrong is why I suck…
All these comments make me sad and heartbroken . There are real monsters that not only walk amongst us , but that we laid down next to nightly …just sad
It’s the “little” things like not always serving him dinner when he would get home (after I myself had been working 12hrs). I was too focused on school and “neglected” my family. He always wanted a third child and I didn’t because I always used “school” as an excuse to not get pregnant. He said I “smothered” him too much. I was always yelling at how the house was a mess and I would have to come home and clean after 3 people who were very capable of picking up after themselves. All my hard work and sacrifice for my family was negative for him. It didn’t matter how tired or stressed out I was having to work full-time and go to school to better myself for all of us.
Isn’t that funny, when we support everything they do, that they can not support us? Never again will I settle for another “taker.” Looking back, our biggest argument was this, Do you love me? His actions clearly stated otherwise.
Probably the most egregious was when he told the therapist: “We haven’t had sex in years!”
He left out the part about how it was him that cut off sex…he told me he couldn’t, and over time he refused to even try. I had considered divorcing him because sex is very important to me. I stayed, that was a big mistake.
Actually, no, that was not the worst. Telling everyone I was controlling and eventually saying I had abused him for 17 years was the worse. Especially given he got me arrested for DV that he committed, but I don’t feel like relating that whole shit show.
On a lighter note, another fault was: “you sit in front of the computer all day”. No shit Sherlock, I work from home and all my work is done on a computer…
I’m sorry you’ve been told that damaging crap, but I’m glad I’m not alone. I begged for physical intimacy, he would turn me down flat. I talked gently to him about it, did everything out of bed he wanted (including letting him scale back his job since it was a “work stress” related and supporting him financially) and still nada.
He then turned around on D-day and stated he had to leave since we never had sex. Words still fail me about how badly this screwed with my head.
I was told that one reason for the cheating was that I didn’t want to have a third child. Mind you, we never discussed having a third child. The only time it ever came up was IN THE MIDDLE OF GIVING BIRTH TO OUR SECOND CHILD I said “No more babies.” I was literally being split open, giving birth to a 9-pound human being, and at that moment I said “no more babies.” Years later, this was held against me as a reason for cheating. Oh…and he couldn’t support the 2 kids we already had.
What woman wouldn’t say that in the middle of child birth? Women go through all the pain and 9 months of pregnancy, I think the husband can at least not hold statements made during childbirth against his wife.
HUGE HUGE HUGS and HUGS and HUGS and shout out to all of CN keeping it fucking real! For showing about true of heart and soul and all that is GOLD!!! May (meh…) the gifts of fuckupedness forever remain indebted to their tribe! The losers, the abusers and all around fuckhole assfuckers fuckface kuntards! Androgynous(ly). (Would have to leave any motherfucker outta of this universal memo.)
Keep doing what you’re doing CN! The world is a better place with you in it ❤️❤️❤️❤️
Hey! Has anyone in CN read “Crones Don’t Whine” and have a review to offer? Someone suggested it to me years ago, I never picked it up and now I’m wondering if it’s worth reading or purchasing.
Thanks in advance.
I asked him to get a job, cut back on drinking and to see a therapist about his depression.
Apparently those are code words for go out and f* strange and to see if any of those women will let him move in so he can lean on them financially.
Didn’t properly put cap back on toothpaste
Didn’t separate towels and underwear while doing laundry
Dind’t do laundry enough
Cooked my ‘special’ roast dinner too well (!!!???)
Didn’t wear sexy enough clothes so that he could be “proud” when we went out
Couldn’t back a trailer, or drive a skid steer (but he refused to teach me).
Didn’t wear enough make-up
Wouldn’t die my hair blond
Spoke to much
Had too many opinions
Was too British
Didn’t mow straight enough lines in the lawns
…. could go on and on – But who wouldn’t cheat on a person with so many faults.
OMG. It must be so rough to have a spouse who cooks your dinner TOO well and is the same nationality as when you were dating.
OMG–you, you, aaagh, words fail me…
“I would have respected you more if you’d worked.” From the man who actively sabotaged any temporary job I had in the 8 years I was a SAHM because it was inconvenient for him to do any childcare or housework. I guess taking care of a house and 3 children under 7 while he worked nights and slept until noon every day, wasn’t really work.
‘I disagreed with him just to cause an argument.’ These were not personal/family issues but local/national/international affairs. If I put a different point of view he would tell me I wasn’t listening to him or simply repeat his same arguments over and over again and get angrier and angrier.
‘I never thanked him for all the things he did around the house.’ He did do a lot of upgrades on the house (often with my help) and most of the gardening. However, he NEVER did any cleaning, cooking, shopping, laundry, organising of the children etc. and I worked full time as well. I don’t recall ever being thanked for what I did.
Of course there was the standard, ‘not enough sex.’
At least I was never in danger of being accused of not stacking the dishwasher properly. Apart from putting his coffee mug in it, he never went near it.
If I have two or three things to do, I’m all right. If I have more than that, I can’t keep them straight and will screw it all up. Paper lists help sometimes. Still working on managing this better.
Was told I sucked at blow jobs. Geez. I sense some irony in my response. Also told holding my hand did not feel natural as compared to holding her hand. Ugh.
I went through menopause. Kids became teenagers.Everything about me wasn’t good enough.
He officially didn’t need me anymore. Used me for what he needed, then tossed me in the trash.
Yep, me too!
So many things! Here are just a few:
– I would get waxed once a month but only took most but not 100% of it off, whereas OW goes totally hairless and that shows that she is a more profoundly sexual woman.
– I don’t do anal whereas OW adores it and frequently begs for it.
– I am untidy (true!).
– The fact that I am politically conservative means that I am less compassionate and feminine than socialist OW; I am the one who actually donates (generously and regularly) to care for those in need but it’s OW who wins all the Empathy Points bc she frequently whines and lectures about refugees and homeless while giving… not a dime of her own money to help them.
– I wanted ex and constantly sang his praises but since I am bright, accomplished and have my own $ I didn’t make him feel needed (which is much sexier and more ego-enhancing, apparently) like the sullen, ungrateful but poor and socially inept OW.
– I don’t enjoy live music but would send ex out with a kiss and smile to enjoy watching various bands with his buddies. I would joyfully stay home with a good book, or catch up with a girlfriend over a low-key dinner. This would happen about once/ month and I thought it showed how great we were at giving each other a bit of space. Am told, this demonstrated we had zero interests in common.
– I Thought ex was dorky but interesting and sweet when I first met him. I fell in love slowly (as I had with any boyfriend; I have never been a person who rushes into commitments or strong emotions) and absolutely. OW tells ex that she felt lust and love from the first time she met him and he finds that not only much more flattering but also a sign that her feelings are deeper and more likely to endure The Ages than my slow burn. Yeah, cuz nothing says This Love is Based on a Lasting Foundation like feeling it for someone you haven’t known for longer than 5 minutes.
– I am a mediocre cook (true!)
– I snore (true!)
His complaints:
“You’re NOT normal”
(He said this in exasperation after I went to counseling to help with my shyness which apparently was a problem and the counselor suggested I don’t want to keep telling myself ‘I’m shy’. So, I guess I AM supposed to keep cutting myself down?)
“Even fat pig (his annoying co-worker – not the mistress) is more fun to be around than you.”
“Every word out of your mouth is annoying”
“I need someone that can actually be around my friends. You hardly talk to them.”
“I couldn’t take you to the party with me, because you’d have to follow me around the whole time.” (Said to explain why I couldn’t go to the swinger party, because I’m too shy and would be clingy. Not because he’s cheating there.)
“If I could have lived with you first, I wouldn’t have married you.”
“I had doubts about marrying you because of your shyness, but thought I could change you.”
(I didn’t have this information, unfortunately, until he wanted out of the marriage and had an OW).
“Sex is so much better with the mistress than with you.”
“I keep leaving the house just to get away from you.”
“If we’re not going to be friends, I might as well just kill myself”
(BUT, I thought I was annoying, no fun and you didn’t want to be around me so why kill yourself over getting what you said you wanted? FYI, he didn’t kill himself.)
Karen, I can’t even image hearing that crap from another person. (hugs) I hope all his hair falls out so his horns are seen by the whole world!
“If you don’t want to listen to me talk about work, then I’ll find someone else.” <–This was what STBXH said to me a few years ago when we got into an argument because he didn't like what I had to say about his work stuff (he complains a lot about work).
It's ironic how hurtful this was because he cheated on me once while dating, 10+ years ago, and I took him back when he turned into unicorn (hah!) The signs were all there, people. You just need to look and listen carefully to see their true character peek out every now and then. It will still come out, 5, 10, or in my case, 13 years later.
I’m sorry. So, it sounds like he doesn’t like the truth about his work problems. Some people can’t handle the truth, that’s probably why they lie and blameshift and complain – to cover the truth about themselves.
To distill:
In the final few months when he was frantically devaluing me to justify his OW, anything I said or did was fair game. The way I abbreviated words, the magazine article I found interesting in an airline lounge magazine, the music I listened to, helping a work colleague having a difficult time. All of these and more were criticised and I was taken apart for them.
The fact that our cheaterX’s come up with such absurdities is because they have no good reason to do what they’ve done. But they try anyway.
Mine did that too. He was always hypercritical, but as the end approached, it got really insane: I complained too much about the weather. I used the wrong dishtowel. I didn’t park correctly in the driveway.
Some day his ho-worker boss/fuckbuddy/babymamawife will have fun with that too.
Yes, and when he’s tired of that. He’ll find a new woman to have fun with, then he will be hypercritical to her too and the next and the next…
You know what would be worse for her (and I suspect what might happen)? STBXH never thought I’d catch his cheating, let alone tell people at our mutual workplace. He has so not enjoyed people knowing he’s a cheater that I’m guessing he’ll probably try and stay with OW to prove to people how it was twu wuv and fated to happen. But he’ll tire of her like he does everything else and will make her life hell. But won’t leave. Imagine that, an eternity of narcissistic abuse. Couldn’t happen to a nicer couple…
Where I struggled for a very very long time is that the ways I sucked were partially true, but were all items we had agreed upon together or were working to change. Before I found out about the cheating, he sat me down and told me that I worked too much (on the business we started together), I didn’t cook enough, didn’t clean enough, and had gained too much weight. All of the above items were true to an extent, but why were they always my responsibility solely? The weight was one of the hardest comments for me, even though he ironically was at the exact same weight as me. Since then, he has stayed the same weight while I’m down 60 lbs. Again, true or not, no reason justifies cheating.
The most effective lies always contain a grain of truth. Cheaters know this and use it against chumps. They take the grain of truth, amplify it with false statements attached to the grain of truth, and aim it at the chump’s soft underbelly (for instance, the chump’s concern about his or her weight gain, insufficient income, or lack of hipness). The results can be devastating. But the fact that part of the allegation is true doesn’t mean the whole allegation is true . And, as you point out, the most horrible things about any person don’t justify betraying them. Leaving? Sure. But betraying and gas lighting? Never.
To all of the above
🙄🙄
Cheaters just spout any old crap that comes to mind, throw it against the wall to see what sticks.
I got a shopping list of my faults, can’t remember it now. It was all bollocks anyway, just part of the endless Devaluing
I didn’t want to go out partying and get wasted with him (a man in his forties) and his much younger, newly acquired fanclub, including the woman he texted behind my back. I didn’t take enough care of him (whatever that means, he used to send me spreadsheets with the days he could make time for us). I was the one who was “cranky and unhappy for YEARS” even though it was him who “had mentally checked out of our relationship long ago and was totally over it”. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
I didn’t get any complaints other than “we never talk” and “we are just room mates.” I don’t suck and he knows it. I have no idea what made him so unhappy. We had a great life. Lots of fun vacations. Plenty of money. We didn’t fight. We were affectionate. A nice home we were renovating as a team. I cannot figure out WTH his problem was. The ho-worker he left me for was more his ideal as far as body type goes, based on what I know about his deceased wife.
Cheater has been pressuring me to have sex ever since the beginning of our relationship (I was 19 at the time). I told him I want to wait till the time is right and I’d prefer to wait until we get married. I gave in so much during our relationship I felt that this is the last boundary that I have to keep for myself. Six months after we got married (13 years later) he started cheating and he said “Next time don’t wait. Just jump into bed with the next guy you meet. Look what you’ve done to me.”
I think my assessment of this guy at age 19 was right… he only wanted to go to bed with me, I am just shocked at the amount of time and effort he’s willing to go through to pop my cherry. Turns out he just wants to use me as a blow-up doll before he play “sex-god” with the OW. He was not kind to me in bed I have to say he totally traumatised me
Oh ebh, I am so sorry. I am so, so sorry. My first guy was a bit like this too. It’s just awful.
They just ride roughshod over all our boundaries. Have you done any work on boundaries with a therapist? Bullies just use us up, otherwise.
He didn’t sext with me because I didn’t reply straight away like OW, maybe I was too busy working full time and doing EVERYTHING at home. Also I didn’t give enough blow jobs and OW will suck him off as much as he likes 🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮
A lot of what he found frustrating about me were valid.
Here is the difference: I took them on board, even though I was desperately hurt, and work every day to change my habits. I wish I had been more detached, less co dependent, forged on with things I knew to be the right thing to do in spite of his resistance and generally been less of a wimp and more of my own person.
Very grateful to the 12 steps programme. I gossip less, mind my own business more, better boundaries, am kinder.
Not once has he ever tried to look at his selfishness, secretiveness or ‘inner split’. I am 50% to blame for the problems in our marriage, my codependent whining, handing over all power and looking to him to make me feel better; but those ‘tendencies’ that destroyed our family I am not to blame for.
I wasnt enough because i refused to fill his fantasy of f*cking another guy and allowing him to watch… i valued my marriage vows and myself too much to do it. I was apparently a prude because i wouldnt, even though nearly everything else 2 consenting adults can do, we did…
I know this post is a couple days old now, but I had to add mine: I did not hem curtains (my aunt helped me because that is NOT my forte) and I didn’t wash the walls (when? Ever? No. That year.. ok, yes maybe over the entire house. We had three young kids.). Also, I liked to go to vacation at the beach.
Gotta love their reasons. There are a couple more, but these are the ones that stuck in my mind because they were so strange. Like it’s 1940 and I should be washing walls every day like my grandma did. *eyeroll*
I only see you as a sister.
You’re not ‘interesting’ enough.
You’re not slim enough and I have a hang up about women being a few pounds overweight. I can’t help it, it’s an aversion out of my control. Therefore I’m not attracted to you, even though you are attractive per se. (Says grossly overweight, bald man who rarely showers and has toenails as long as Samaurai swords).
You dared to get mad over the fact I was secretly giving money to my secret whore for years. After all she was a single mother which made it a ‘righteous’ thing for me to do. How dare you not agree I was being righteous and instead have an issue with this.
You refused to worship my adulterer, abuser enabling family.
Your turning into your mom. Fuck u! My mom is a nice person and a wonderful mother! Go fuck your affair partner u piece of shit!