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UBT: “I was just going to ride it out”

Dear Chump Lady,

I filed for divorce from my cheating husband on Friday.

This is what he texted me today:

I’m sorry I just don’t know what happened between us and it seems like I’m the only one that feels or sees it. I usually can see myself in future situations and its all cloudy rn. You always said that if this were to happen to do it now rather than later when we’re old af. Its going to be rough and hard. Time will tell if this is the right decision. There’s been so much hurt and uncertainty for so long and I hate it. We both do. I’m not proud of what I’ve done at all. I should’ve said something a lot sooner and I’m sorry I didn’t. I was just gonna try to ride it out and see if things got better with us. I know ur super pissed, mad and sad and I’m sorry I really am. I never meant for all this to happen the way it did.
We’ve been in each other’s life for a long ass time and we have two great kids. I hope that we can be civil for them.

Please explain. He’s been cheating for 9 months. We’ve been married for 15 years.


Complete idiot chump

Dear Complete idiot chump,

Apparently some nebulous cloud of misfortune has descended upon you, there is hurt on both sides, but be a dear and soldier on for the children. Time will tell if the gloom clouds disappear. We must grit our teeth and ride it out.

Yeah. The mindfuck is firmly set at “sad sausage” here.

I haven’t fired up the Universal Bullshit Translator in awhile, so let’s stuff this text down the ol’ chipper shredder, shall we?

I’m sorry I just don’t know what happened between us

I fucked other women. You filed for divorce. I’m completely befuddled on this.

and it seems like I’m the only one that feels or sees it.

I alone am uniquely at sea about this thing that happened. That I cannot comprehend. But I feels it and sees it.

Some people see dead people. I see divorce summons. Could this be REAL? Am I living in an alternative universe of consequences?

I usually can see myself in future situations and its all cloudy rn.

Someone left the cake out in the rain. And I’ll never have that recipe again.

You always said that if this were to happen to do it now rather than later when we’re old af.

I thought I’d cheat while I can still get it up. You’re welcome.

Its going to be rough and hard. Time will tell if this is the right decision.

Divorcing my ass was your idea. But I’ll just play along like this is a mutual decision. One that concerns me, like I’m a city manager who’s dubious about the council’s decision to lay underground cable. I don’t know if this is a wise course of action, Fred. Let’s set up a research committee.

There’s been so much hurt and uncertainty for so long and I hate it.

I have no idea where this hurt and uncertainty comes from. My cheating hurts me too! My head does not explode from cognitive dissonance. It’s glued together with oblivious narcissism.

We both do.

You hurt too. Here’s a kibble. Fetch.

I’m not proud of what I’ve done at all.

I’m just indifferent. But shit, now that there’s consequences, let me try on some fake humility about this thing I Know Not What It Is Or Why It Causes Hurt. Perhaps you’ll go easy on that divorce settlement.

I should’ve said something a lot sooner and I’m sorry I didn’t.

I’m sorry I didn’t tell you how horrible you were and how you drove me into the arms of another woman sooner. My bad. I used my dick when I should’ve used my words.

I was just gonna try to ride it out and see if things got better with us.

I was completely optimistic that our relationship would be improved by me cheating on you.

I know ur super pissed, mad and sad and I’m sorry I really am.

I’m sorry you feel things that compel you to call divorce lawyers. I really am.

I never meant for all this to happen the way it did.

I never meant for you to find out. #cake

We’ve been in each other’s life for a long ass time and we have two great kids. I hope that we can be civil for them.

I hope that you can be the bigger person For The Children. Let me lecture you about civility and fair-mindedness For The Children from my lofty moral perch of the OW’s bed/my mother’s basement/this barstool.


CIC, stay mighty and rock on with that divorce. His gloomy sadz state isn’t your problem. Sunny skies ahead for you.

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at [email protected]. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • “I was just gonna try to ride it out and see if “…
    I could get away with it and just slip away without you finding out.
    After all, the truth would tarnish my great guy reputation.

    That was my story.

    BUT I sang my truth, loud and clear, everywhere.

    I got a life, she got him (oops-meant to write the prize) and the cheater got…what he deserved. And what he deserved was a damaged reputation, loss of his kids and whatever life throws his way.

    Change Complete Idiot Chump to Complete Independent Chump!!! It will feel so much better.

  • This is a nitpick, and I’ll come off as a bit of a prude/dilettante, but I don’t care:

    In his goodbye letter to his wife, he uses phrases like “old as fuck” and “long ass time.”

    I’m all for telling it like it is. But really? There’s just no romance here. No respect. I would have thought that a goodbye letter after 15 years would be a bit more eloquent.

    Then again, he’s a cheater, so I would have thought a lot of things about him that probably aren’t true.

    • And he TEXTED it.

      And couldn’t spell rain or you’re.

      Sorta says everything you need to know about a person.

      • If you are referring to the rn, I believe that means right now. It’s the lingo of the kids these days. The kids and my wasband. My wasband started using language that was completely different when he left for his 15 years younger OWhore married employee. A lot of expletives, and words like “dude” and the initializing of words. Ugh. They dumb down when they trade down.

        • Yup. And piercings. And tattoos. And the selfies . . . OH GOD THE SELFIES.

          These are the hallmarks of the Entitled Do-Over: devolving back to a happy care-free time of minimal responsibility, immaturity and “finding one’s place in the world,” and hostility towards commitment and anyone who expects it.

              • Mine a Ducati motorbike and an earing ???? and $40 pw child support for four kids!

              • Oh in my case it was a sports car the same one I said I wanted so he ran out and bought it so slippery slut clam could put her nasty ass all over the seats
                Narcissist always steal your idea when it comes to something like a car or whatever so they can impress the big whore they are with

            • Oh, God. Mine, too with the Porsche. I remember reading, a long time ago, that people who own Porsches are more likely to cheat than those who own other brands of cars. I can’t ever look at a Porsche driver without thinking that.

              • How about the convertible, leather jacket and pony tail (but totally bald on top). Talk about funny!

              • Yup. Got to drive a chick-magnet. And pierce the ears. And wear a ponytail. The funny thing about the Porsche was that it was a stick shift, and the idiot had never driven a stick shift before. Even with a little light on the dash to tell him when to shift he failed miserably, much of the time.

              • OMG you must be me! I heard the statistic about people with Porsches most likely to have affairs from Jay Leno’s Tonight Show monologue & I said something about it to my H at the time. Years later he got the Porsche & the APs. I feel the same way whenever a Porsche passed by now. They’re entitled, right?

              • Oh yeah. Same here. At one point he had two, the 911 for “fun on the weekends” and the pseudo practical Porsche SUV for everyday (unless he was visiting the blue collar systems downstate, in which case he demanded to use my twelve year old, American made GMC truck, you know, to show how he is a humble executive who feels the unionized workers pain.) I have a general rule now though for dating… if you drive a Penis car, I’m not interested.

              • It’s painful to watch the neighborhood Porsche owner creep into his next door neighbor’s house while his attorney wife is at work. His neighbor (married woman and mother of two) is a certified sex therapist and is “rethinking infidelity” according to my latest google search of her. She attributes the rise in infidelity to ubiquitous technology making it easier to find partners and maintain affairs. She has published treatment directions for infidelity and teaches therapists in training at one of the local schools. How is that for disturbing ?

              • Mine needed an Infiniti G20s coupe … just starting it up took half a gallon of gas and was suitably attention getting (ie noisy) Now he drives a stick shift VW with rubber floor mats … Broke Ass Mountain!!!! ha ha

              • OMG, the 68 Cougar, 4x4Bronco, Porsche, Alfa Milano, Audi, and finally a BMW… These were the photos he took when he left. He & his cars. Not of us, WTF? BTW, a car seat does not fit in an Italian police car, groceries do not fit in a Porsche. WTF? I drove a Camry (till it was sadly totalled) and then a Jeep Cherokee (LOVED!) and then a big ass 4×4 Expedition, Soccer mom edition=10yearplan. I’m still driving it, year 14…

                We’ve discussed the dishwasher OCD…? is it a car thing too?

            • Mine was a Mustang. And boy, was it sub-standard. He wanted a Corvette but mean old kill joy me wouldn’t let a man with two young kids buy a car with no backseat.
              I was such a shit. 😉

              • Mine became a cowboy and bought a horse out of nowhere (never rode a horse except one time while we were together 8 years). Cuz she is a avid horse person and owns a horse. He suddenly started buying a cowboy hat and boots (he’s an attorney).
                Now, he’s completely a different person for her and I started thinking about the fact that his whore, his last girlfriend (who he called crazy) and I are all completely different. (different ethnicity, looks-wise). Do narcissists have a tendency not to have “a type” like most people do because they have no real true self and therefore, become who their new target is until the mask falls off? Curious about this.

              • Corvette. Bright orange. When we had three kids, two of whom were still in car seats. Did I mention he had to rent a a car his visitation weekends using marital funds, because jeez, he couldn’t sell the Corvette.

              • Sorry about the duplicate post, I thought the internet had swallowed this one. ????

          • Mine wasn’t nearly this creative. Her carefree, rediscovered-youth, “Eat Pray Love” fantasy life involved a pierced belly button and lots of alcohol. Lots and lots of alcohol.

            • Mine bought a Harley complete with a do rag and fringe leather vest. Silly old coot.

              • Haaaaa, same here, a Harley, do rag, too cheap to buy an expensive Harley leather jacket, so bought a knockoff and had a Harley emblem stitched on! Idiot!

              • The Python got crotch rockets (sport bikes). “Just” one at first (after D-Day #1, which occurred when the woman he was fucking told me about the affair because she caught him lying about something then she did some research and found out he was married tho claimed to be divorced; yeah, he had the sadz!). Then he traded up for a more expensive one, then got a second, then a couple more trade ups, then a third. Old man in his 60s with 3 racing motorcycles. None of which he can afford (has loans on all 3).

                Then of course he needed multiple helmets, padded motorcycle jackets, special gloves, winter battery chargers, special stands for tinkering on them, yadda, yadda. Spent more money on his toys than he ever spent on me.

              • Over time, Asshat has purchased two fancy sports cars (while I was still driving a 20 year old car). Two crotchrocket motorcycles, plus all the expensive accoutrements. Countless other expensive hobby shit for hobbies that would last all of ten minutes. Meanwhile, I was scolded for not wanting to go on his motorcycling adventures…gee, babe- sitting on the back of a crotch rocket is just soooo FUN for 3-400 miles at a stretch when you’re battling a fibromyalgia attack (NOT). Quoth Asshat-“Nothing’s going to make ME put MY life on hold”. Should have been my first clue, truest statement he’s ever made.

              • I live in a mountainous part of the state. For your exes riding hogs or crotch rockets a tiny note. My relative, a doctor, said in the ER those idiots are called organ donors. Hairpin curves are not designed for speed so routinely we see on the news about the latest, ah, organ donor. But for you legit riders just follow the speed limit and ride in groups.

          • Oh my God, all of this. Huge tattoos, big lobe stretching ear piercings, use of LOL like a teenager in all his texts. He was pretty vanilla before all this, which makes it extra cringe-worthy. And in the 4 1/2 years since he suddenly abandoned us, he’s only visited our small children once..and he was wearing a mother-flippin WALLET CHAIN and a GIANT SKULL RING. The 80’s called. They want their castle grayskull ring back. Been reading this blog for years, and am still amazed at the similarities in our stories.

            • Ha! My ex got the Harley and the obligatory “Ride or Die” giant tat on his saggy old arm. Barf!! I guess they have no clue how pathetic they are.

          • Yes on the tattoo. Before I left the idiot he got a huge matching tattoo with a girl half his age. He had the nerve to have HER come into our place and it to me. There I was, standing at the sink doing the dishes and those two morons are brandishing their matching tramp stamps and grinning like the idiots they are.

            • Before she left, KK went out and got a ‘freedom’ tattoo on a Saturday morning (empty birdcage, with door ajar, hanging from a branch — the message wasn’t subtle). As I set at the counter doing some work, she called our preteen daughters down from their bedrooms to show it off in front of me.

            • I hope you el-kabonged the shit out of them both with a frying pan, ala Quick Draw McGraw. Jitbags. ????????????

              • Unfortunately, I was a bit too shocked the first time to do anything. A while later the idiot announced to me he was thinking about getting another matching tattoo with a different 20 year old from his gym. I was sitting doing some work on my laptop, and I distinctly remember not saying anything. I just wrinkled my nose like I smelled something rancid and kept working. Asshat.

              • Deja, clearly the fucknut didn’t learn the first time. Name/memorial tatoos are for people who don’t leave your life (ostensibly): parents & kids. All others are a sucker’s bet. You are well rid of the cruel fucknut.

            • Omg Dejablue, the OW in my case got a matching tattoo to one of stbxh’s, six months before dday. These people are just weird. I thought I was so alone till I found CN.

            • DejaBlue,
              That is so rude,
              I hope you made him wash his own dishes!
              Gaaaa! No words really!

          • Raising my hand for a cheater with a Porsche (two seater), because that’s a practical car for a family of four… Then wanted me to get a Cayenne as our family car. NFW.

            • My cheater got a motorcycle. He crashed it while backing up in the parking lot and had to have 16 stitches in his leg. What a moron.

              • Lol
                Mine had 5 Harley’s
                He was really trying to impress his douche
                She never had it so good in all her life. The leftover loser
                Too bad they both did not crash and die
                That would have been the ultimate !

          • During our final settlement conference (last Wednesday), ex was obviously pulling out the sadz. Between rantings he claimed I made him sleep in a tin shed for months through the worst of winter. He pulled out a “selfie” of him dressed in a night-shirt, wooly bobble hat and thin blanket, looking cold and standing in the tin shed. Except through the windows it was clearly spring and two months after he had just admitted that he was living alone in our house (I had moved out). Even his barrister giggled!

          • Yes the selfies! My XW has a new FB selfie every week, (She’s on my Messenger so I see her profile pic), “here’s me sadz” “here’s me with book” “here’s me in sunglasses” etc… she’s photogenic, alongside being a great sneak it’s one of her few talents.

            • My ex was epidemic with the selfies, then it was the couple shots with victim number two. Then he got his ultimate shot. Him sipping coffee in Paris with vic #2 in the background. You would not pick it as a honeymoon photo. Since then No selfies since. It is clear the honeymoon is over.

          • And motorcycles, two of them. Tho he tried ‘adventure travel’ on his and panicked about 10 miles into what was a 300 mile trip. So all the expensive equipment for his fantasy trip was never used.

            Then it was a hobby farm, so he could play rancher and farmer.

            • Of course I never heard the back story. But Old Boy in his 60’s sold that Harley after a year. I think it took him down and scared him. The Do Rag and fringe leather vest must not have kept him safe????????????
              I think this would be a great Friday challenge.
              As in….’how did your cheater X become the biggest teenage old person when they left?’

          • OMG so funny. My 62 year old cheater and his OW love those selfies! She sends them to me. She sent them to me along with the many selfies she took of herself that she had also sent him. I will spare you the details. But seriously, are narcissists all like this? As much as I love my iPhone, I think Apple owes us all an apology for enabling this level of narcissism.

        • And the million emojis only, no words.

          He is in his 60’s and wears a backpack as a diaper bag for his new baby with OWife. He looks ridiculous.

          My high schoolers laughed when they told me he said OMG out loud. One said my dad has become a Middle School girl (eyeroll).

          • The karma bus is speeding towards that asshat. Just wait until he is in his 70s with a teenager. He is in for a rude awakening.

              • Mine started shaving his chests and his arms to show off his semi-muscles.

              • The Ex shaved like a pube cave around his junk before I realized he was also fucking a homewrecking whore AND me. He just cored out his pubes, leaving them natural around the edges, and shaved in the middle. Interesting look…. (Hilarious!) He left a floating mound of gray curlies floating in the toilet, too, for me to flush . In retrospect, that was a giant “Fuck You” to me. Yes, it was horrifying, but I really had no idea just how bad it really was. He’s so freaking revolting.

              • Mine tried rocking the skinny jeans and a fairly tight, lavender polo once. I think that he saw me turning several shades of beet red in an attempt to not burst out laughing, and he never did that again!

                This is the same man who wore regular Levis and button-down flannels when he was with me for years. Yeah, a twentysomething Abercrombie & Fitch model you are not, you big dork.

              • YES! The shaved legs! He did that forever though, since his triathlete days. Right before D-day though he started shaving his ARMS, and got his back waxed! Switched over to boxer briefs too, after 53 years of tightey whiteys.

          • Hah thats what my older kids said of their newly fashioned hipster dad… what middle aged man unfriends his wife on facebook the day after he abandoned his family!!! “Dads acting like a tween”! Couldn’t have put it better..

            • Mine attended his howorker son’s birthday party and bought $250 of alcohol for her guests a few days after his departure. When I told him what despicable behavior that was, he said he went because he missed our kids (who were grown).

          • That’s exactly what my son said “dad was texting like a teenage girl!” in front of him. When asked what he was doing, he replied “I like someone!” WHO says this to their adult son (four years before I discovered the affair)? Absolutely entitled pieces of shit!

        • LOL, I call my ex “Dude” all the time. Especially when he’s pissy. For Example, “Dude! I’m sorry I’m not getting suitably angry so you can be happy!”

          It’s totally a term of disrespect for him from me.

        • Mine sends texts to my teenage children things like Lol and Bitmojis of himself. Totally creeps them out. But the Lol, ty, etc are what clued me in that he was involved with a much younger woman. Eventually truth came out that she was a 23 to his 44. He is clueless on how grossed out his own kids are by him.

          • The texting mirroring was such a giveaway and he still does it! He started to put loads of o’s like “helloooooo” and “soooooo” also put v for very, started using emojis, but used LOL so wrongly – he thinks it means lots of love! Im not telling him, hes 48 thinks hes 18, his mistake amuses me!

          • Yeah the emoji disease????????????????after giving my middle son a lecture on how language was getting dumbed down these days with text speak and lazy english….ex fucktard proceeds to send middle son a text message meant for the girlfriend ????????????????????????????
            Yeah we get the picture dad… grow up already !

        • Oh yes, I saw the same. Total mirroring, no sense of self. No self. Empty vessel. Sends me texts trying to bypass lawyers, they’re clearly dictated by a 5 year old. Shame he’s forgotten he’s dealing with an adult.

          • Barging in on these thoughts about text mirroring, because it just made something so clear to me. During the time when X was first involved with Skankbag and I didn’t know it, his texts to me suddenly sprouted huge quantities of emojis. Much later, when I found months and months of his texts with her, I noticed how emoji-heavy hers were. Also, I noticed how he mirrored her phrasing, greetings and sign-offs, and endearments, in the same way he’d mirrored mine. The same thing appeared in emails I later found between him and yet another ex-gf he was palling around with during out relationship. (I’m not sure if that one was a full-on affair, or just the prelude to one, but who cares at this point?) Anyway, he mirrored that chick’s excessive use of dashes and ellipses and her greetings and sign-offs too. That gave me a slightly sick feeling, but I was more freaked out by the content to give it much thought until reading this thread. All these years I’d put our “similar” writing style down to us being so sympatico, but now it’s clear that it was actually just another narc-y trait. Yuck.

        • They sure do dumb down. My X forgot how to spell his daughter’s name. Her name- MARIE, OW- Maree.. Rrrr

      • Sounds about right, mine texted something like 2 words. The ow on the other had got hours of phone conversations when he “broke up” with her to… stay with his family ????????????

      • I love texting lingo.

        I think that, if one intends to respond at all, the proper response to all of these things is “k.”

        There’s something beautiful about a lexicon that sends the “fuck off, you complete idiot” message so very clearly in such a compact way.

        • Cashmere – that’s exactly what I do sometimes, but in an email to the fucked up cheater “k”

          • Shortly after I finally got him out of the house (months after he’d agreed to move out, to pursue Shmoops and his much happier life!), Ex started using ‘k’ to reply to texts from me or the kids.

            I told him he had to stop, he wasn’t 17. He was in his early 40’s at the time, always the type of guy who acted old even when he was young! What the hell was that! And Shmoops was older than him!

            They think they’re SOOOOOO COOOOOOOL! And make themselves look like such morons!

        • I don’t use ‘k’. It’s too fun. I simply respond ‘Ok.’

          Old school fuck you.


        • Exactly! The less letters you respond with, the bigger the FU to the ex!

      • I think rn was shorthand for “right now”. But I agree that aside from the absolute crap he spouts in this text (WTF!), he was lazy AF not to at least type everything out in standard English. Made him look like a teenager, which is about where he is emotionally. I would have a hard time taking a “normal” person seriously if I got a texted apology(?) like this, let alone a cheater who just blew up my world.

      • I am Complete Idiot Chump! This has given me so much hope. I read your book in one day!! I realized I was giving a costco size amount of kibbles and If there was a Dancing with The Chump Pick me Dance competition, I would have wont the trophy, the gold medal and the life time supply of pathetic chump coupons. You are doing amazing work here!!! Thank you!!

        • CIC, you’ve come to the right place. Chump Nation will see you through to the other side and help you stay safe and sane along the way. And if your STBX circles around for a second helping of cake as cheaters often do, you’ll ignore the ratbastard and continue on your mighty way.

    • I concur with this! Such casual, immature, foul abbreviations in what ought be a goodbye message requiring tact and decorum.

      This guy is just a perfect textbook example of how covert narcs use written language. Subtle backstabbing and his lack of real emotion becomes evident when we take a good look at the word choice. CL’s takedown of this is one of her best UBT’s ever.

      • X revels in any kind of control and devaluing of me. His capacity for and commitment to spite is astonishing. My lawyer has never seen anything like it, and he’s been a divorce attorney for over 25 years.

        He refuses to write my first name out on the child support checks (Initial only) and spells my last name (took back to my maiden name when we divorced) wrong. I repeatedly requested he spell out my first name and correct my last name and he never responded.

        This means I have to go to the bank every month (versus online deposit) to get the branch manager to approve the deposit.

        • Oh this happens to me too, he will write out the address for the check wrong, the place he lived for 10 years with me. He will date checks for support 7 days in in the future so I can’t cash the check for a week after I get, all weird little tactics.

          • Mine has his idiot OW/now W write my checks. Guess he thinks I care, I laugh and say yea bitch-little less money for you to spend, keep writing those checks slut.

            • Mine always came with nifty descriptors like “For Survivor’s greed and extortion.”

              • I used to put a little note on his checks to me like “Thanks, cheater”. That was probably the nicest one.

            • My ex once gave me a child support check with the new Mrs. name on it. Her first name was incorrect, so I crossed it out and wrote “Whore Twatwaffle” on the check.

              I’m sure they saw it when checking on line to make sure the check cleared….

          • It’s all about control with these asshats. My kids were adults when we divorced and my daughter wants nothing to do with her dad, to the point that she changed her last name to my maiden name when I did, so that she would graduate from college with the last name of the people who supported her emotionally and financially (me and my mom) not those who didn’t (her dad and his mom). 3 years later, the only contact she has with her dad is the birthday and Christmas cards he sends her which usually contain a small check – always made out to her former last name. This from the guy who claims he loves her and wants her back in his life. Uh huh. Just not enough to stop trying to control her.

          • “He will date checks for support 7 days in in the future so I can’t cash the check for a week after I get, all weird little tactics.”

            Does he date it so it goes past the court-ordered day he is supposed to cough up the money? If so, I would scan each and every one of them in preparation for possible future use. That’s his way of testing you and the legal system.

            His shitty behavior may never rise to the point of it being worth your time and money to take him back to court, but this is a ‘tell’ that he’s likely to push the limits.

          • NewLife, I don’t know about where you live, but here where I am, you can deposit a cheque anytime! That ‘post-dated’ thing is just a reminder, in case you courteously agreed to depositing it later. The bank will cash it no matter what the date. And if it bounces, well, that’s their problem, right? You can deposit it again 3 days later, and a week after that …..

            • Nobody, but nobody writes cheques, checks or checkerboards anymore. Get that deducted from his paycheck and an automatic transfer. This is not the dark-ages, folks.

              • Shechump, they do if it will inconvenience, annoy, send a passive-aggressive message to their chump. It’s called control, and I know my X could transfer his child support to my account; he just refuses to give up the spitefest. And as a writer who is also a grammar Nazi (more control and superiority), he knows exactly how to spell out my first name and correct the spelling of my last. But he won’t because he takes glee in sending it to me like that. By messing with my name, he’s sending the message that he does not value me.

                I could take him to court to get it automatically deducted, but I don’t have $5k to pay an attorney or the court fees.

          • Mine owed me $400 for dental care his plan covered. He post dated it into 3 amounts over 6 months! (He is not poor)

      • What a man-child. It read more like a hoover-threat (because it makes perfect sense to combine those) than a goodbye letter. “It’s going to be rough and hard” sounded more like he was threatening make the divorce difficult, and trying to prey on her natural fears of single parenthood. And the “long ass time” is a piteous plea to increase her mental evaluation of the sunk costs.

        I’m sorry Complete, because he is clearly not sorry. He doesn’t even see that the problem is his CHOICES, he’s blaming the relationship between you, and saying it’s your fault for not noticing it was bad and fixing it…all by yourself.

        Good on you for filing for divorce! It’s an emotionally exhausting campaign, but if you can treat it like a business deal and negotiate the best deal possible for you and your kids, you will absolutely appreciate it when you come out of your shell shock and can focus on rebuilding you and your family’s life. Hugs to you and yours, stay mighty!

        • Eh, my ex said very similar things, he liked to speak for “us” in the emotional way. What it turns out he means is it is going to be rough and hard for him, and since a narc doesn’t see the rest of us as humans, he projects that onto us as well. I mean, if he’s having a hard time, aren’t we all? If he was having secret issues in the marriage, weren’t we both? He didn’t have empathy for me and OP’s soon to be ex doesn’t have any for her, either. She’s just still an extension of his own overblown ego.

          While we were still in the process of getting him out of my house, he came to me all puffy from crying. The OW “broke up” with him and wouldn’t be having him. He seemed to think I would be there to comfort him because it was soooooo hard for him. Hells no. I literally laughed in his face because it was so ridiculous.

          He doesn’t care if it will be rough or hard for her. He never did care about her feelings or he wouldn’t have cheated. Sucks, but true.

            • Now he just does passive aggressive jabs at me because so many years later, I’m happy and he’s still, well, himself. I just got married and changed my name to my longtime boyfriend’s last name. It isn’t even hard to remember. He misspelled the child support check. I think he expected me to give him some sort of attention for that. I corrected the check and deposited it. HA! No kibbles for you, motherplucker!

      • Tact and decorum due the unoffending spouse. You would think, right? I got hatred that I was not immediately on board with the plan. The other woman sent me a series of messages (that I discovered long after Honey’s departure) in which she wrote, and I quote, ‘just so you know, I may be preg’. PREG. Yep, just casually throw that out there…I may be pregnant with your spouse’s baby and you don’t even know I exist, it’s just a typical Tuesday for me…gag.

      • All of a sudden the covert narcs have feelings with their ow piece of ass
        Why is that ?

    • After 28 years my first indication that my marriage was over came by e-mail while I was on a business trip. It included instruction to me that I shall promptly transfer half of our savings into an account he opened and a handy tip from him on where we could file for an online divorce. He even included the bank routing numbers for his new account.

      The extent of feelz or relationship information about WHY he would do such a thing with zero warning, and completely contrary to the recent future faking and declarations of life-long love? Exactly one sentence. He said, “I’m sorry I’ve been such a bad husband and feel like I let us down.” No kidding.

      That was it. Zero explanation about why he escaped like a prisoner leaving a pit in the basement. The coward “felt like” he let us down, but the polls were still out. He was a “bad husband.”

      And when later, after about 3 weeks of shock and my making lists of the horrible shit I had put up with for 3 decades, I told him I had come to realize that indeed he had been a truly horrible and inadequate husband. He looked like he had been slapped, so completely surprised that I held such an opinion. It proved that his brief sentiment in the original e-mail was just a throwaway line that he felt he should include in there somewhere before quickly getting back to his instruction to me that anything he left behind could be donated. Back to business. That dumbass was too stupid to just go help himself to half the savings before blowing town.

      Later I found out about the Schmoopie, his second OW within 9 years. Romance and sentiment toward me was the last thing on his cowardly mind.

      • Hahahaha!!! He was expecting you to be his secretary for his financial matters???? I sincerely hope you took it ALL and put it into a different account. (I know, I know, it’s supposed to be 50/50, but f*** him.)

        You are soooo lucky not to have to deal with this in your life!!!

        • Oh PLEASE tell us you opened an individual account! The assumptions these idiots make that we are going to continue to DO for them is insult to injury. When I stopped being his PR and house manager, his rage was scary.

          How dare I questioned and stopped DOING for the great Oz?!

          • Nope, chumpy me transferred half. Too much in shock. I always do the right thing, you see. Sigh.

            But I did get a real lawyer rather than online crap and ended up with more than half of our assets in this no-fault state. I did OK on that. We have adult children and no debt so it was pretty “easy.”

            I should have plastered that routing number all over the web and signed up for lots of auto-debit stuff like porn though. He would have gotten scammed big time on the dark web if I plastered every bit about him I know including all the security question answers from such a long life together. Again, my conscience wouldn’t permit it.

      • Now I.C.
        Mine did the same thing, he admitted he was a jerk then later when I told him off about what an awful human being he was, he was shocked and I’m pretty sure genuinely bothered that I thought this. That told me a lot about how disordered he is.

    • How could respect, romance or eloquence possibly be expected from anyone who knowingly and purposefully commits adultery?

      Cheaters risk the financial and emotional health of those that they promised to protect.
      Cheaters rip the fabric of a family into shreds and rob children of their innocence and intact family.
      Cheaters forever destroy the intimacy and values of their partner and soil those memories forever.
      Cheaters lie, steal and, well, cheat!

      No eloquence or flowery words or tears can ever make up for that damage.

      And why would anyone expect a better response, texted or written in ink, from a cheater? Their words are worthless.

      Anyone waiting, hoping or expecting anything more than rubbish is better off using that effort to clean their toilets. The result will be much more satisfying.

      • I concur. Especially when you use the cheater’s toothbrush to clean it :p

        • The cat box was never so clean as right before I kicked him and his toothbrush out!

          • HAHAHAHA!!! I sure did clean the toilet with his toothbrush. His first Ex Wife (who I happen to have become friends with over the years, as I didn’t meet him until well after his divorce) told me I should have run it through the litter box as well. Damn, I wish I had thought of that at the time!

            • I rubbed all his sissy ass bikini cut underwear in poison ivy while he was at a bike club “meeting”. It was magical!

        • That made me laugh out loud. Hmmm, using the cheater and OW’s toothbrush to clean the toilet. That brings back some memories…..????

      • You nailed it! Their words mean zip. Just manipulative crap. The worst is when they think they have made us so sad……. and they have this fake remorse about the horrors they subjected us and our kids to.
        That is why we have to have an awesome life without their rotten carcasses!

        • To the extent that they display sadness, weeping crocodile tears as my Ex did, it is only because it makes them sad to think of themselves as a bad guy. Truth.

          • Yes, they weep because there are some behaviors they can’t put a spin on adequetely.

    • I’m right there with you, JC! In addition to coming across Narcissistic and stupid, it also comes across as something written by a 13 year old boy breaking up VIA TEXT with his first middle school girlfriend. What The Ever Loving Hell?? This dude is a manchild. It’s going to be “rough and hard”? I hope so. I hope Complete and her attorney give rough and hard a whole new meaning for that asshat.

  • Also

    1) He’s been cheating for nice months that you know of thus far — deceptive people deceive, so more is likely to trickle forth with time.

    2) Hopefully you didn’t respond — and it’s my opinion that it’s best if you don’t. Everything is documentation now. He wants centrality, and all communication is like bait. Divorce is dissolution of a marriage contract. Business communications only from now on.

    He doesn’t need to know your thoughts, feelings, or plans. Those are things one shares with a partner. He isn’t your partner anymore. He is your co-parent only, nothing more.

    • Oh definitely don’t reply to this glurge. That was something I had to stop doing. My ex would write tomes of emails (like, printouts would be several pages) of how horrible this all is, woe is me, I know I did you wrong but we both had issues, blah blah blah and then move on to criticize me with whatever he wanted to bitch at me about.

      I once tried to break all those down and reply to defend myself. I stopped that fairly quickly. Wouldn’t you know it, no more tomes. If I can’t reply in a short sentence or two on messaging about our son’s needs and that is it, I don’t reply at all. I also only reply when I feel like it, on my time. If it isn’t an emergency, I don’t need to hop to. He has backed off significantly since I started that. Soooo much nicer.

  • Brilliant!! I almost lost my coffee a few times!

    CL, you’ve got game!!!

    “You hurt too. Here’s a kibble. Fetch.” LOL!!

    • Lol! I actually lost my coffee on that one. Chump Lady, you are absolutely brilliant. Hysterical. Made my morning.

    • That was comedy gold along with “My bad. I used my dick when I should’ve used my words”


      • I screenshot’ed that bit so I could refer back when I needed a laugh/reminder ????

  • He says he knows how you feel. No the fuck he doesn’t. He knows how he feels and I’m willing to bet he’s pleased that you’re “super” hurt.

    Do not dole out any more kibbles not even crumbs!! No discussion ever again of your feelings it’s none of his business from this point on. It’s privileged information and he’s lost his security clearance.

    • NoMo, that’s a perfect description of what I also found to be the best way to go. I was VERY surprised that once I stopped communicating all my thoughts and feelings with him, his attempts to manipulate me started going way off base. By not telling him what my buttons were, he lost a lot of his ability to hurt me, because even after 11 years together it turns out he never knew what really matters to me.

    • NoMo – love this too.
      Maybe because mine actually DID lose his security clearance! Ya know, the one I protected by not calling the cops on his violent, abusive ass and being the designated driver for 17 years so he could not get a dui. The one he BLAMED ME for losing 2 years after he ghosted me and the kids! The one he lost after an unblemished 37 year career and is now starting over at 57 in ‘sewers’ or something. Hafta go my Tourette’s is about to kick in.

    • Knowing our feelings, plans and inside is a privilege given to few. Seeing our tears is a privilege.

      All that is not a given right.

      We wouldn’t share our dreams and feelings with stranger and for sure we wouldn’t share with a thief.

      All of them were stealing: our trust, innocence, peace of mind and often physical well being.

    I put my Divorce papers in today too!
    Woop Woop!

    What a gigantic freak that cheater is, it never fails to amaze me that cheating husbands feel the need to REMIND THE FAITHFUL WIFE THAT THEY HAVE KIDS.

    Didn’t she carry and BIRTH these babies? Lol. Yes. And she was the one CARING for them too as porky pig wanted more more more so forgot about the kids for bits of ass.

    I’m so gleeful that the pig from this arena has a No Contact Order from contacting me and the kids. The only response I’d give to that load of garbage would be ????.

    Oxygen thiefs the lot of them.

    Onwards and upwards!
    You go girl!

    • Yes suddenly they’re all about the props I mean children.

      Disgusting. Same thing on those gag worthy commercials by the divorce attorneys for men. “Your relationship with your children may be put at risk.” By the evil wife of course not the husband’s selfish choices.

  • Chump lady
    “Someone left the cake out in the rain “ made me laugh
    But not funny how this loser sociopath can twist words for his benefit.

    She has to realize what a deceiving liar he is & file for divorce so she can be rid of him. It never ceases to amaze me how self centered these cheaters are when
    the honest spouse is going through so much pain!

  • Someone left the cake out in the rain….

    I am laughing so hard I’m crying ????????????????

  • Someone FINALLY finds a use for what is commonly referred to as the worst lyric set in pop music history.

    Richard Harris and I thank you profusely.

    • Ha! Though an internet search turns up some stiff competition.

      I submit three relationship-oriented lyrics:

      “I’mma make you my bitch / Cake, cake, cake, cake / Cake, cake, cake, cake / Cake, cake, cake, cake / Cake, cake, cake.” [Rihanna]

      “Someday I’ll find a love like yours / She’ll think I’m Superman, not SuperMinivan / How could you leave on Yom Kippur?” [Train]

      “Now you get to watch her leave out the window / Guess that’s why they call it window pane.” [Eminem]

      [MacArthur Park makes #9 on the list:

      • The Train song is DELIBERATELY stupid, and very funny, AND it has a video with David Hasselhoff in it- don’t diss the Hoff!. My kids and I have been known to sing it at full volume while driving.In fact, I’m going to play it now….

  • That whole “I was just going to ride it out” really gets me. Such a martyr. Like being stuck with you was such a difficult thing (I have no doubt that it wasn’t). These A-holes completely miss that most of the problems in the relationship stem from them, not their faithful partners. It’s their desire to wander that causes tension in the relationship before they even get to that point. They are looking for there to be problems in the relationship so that they can have an excuse to wander and not feel like they are doing anything wrong because the marriage was bad anyway so they couldn’t help it.

    • My ex would do these little “tests” during the relationship to see where we were at. What I didn’t know at the time was he was basically looking for a green light to fully engage in his affair and I was completely clueless until D-Day.

      • EXACTLY WHAT I TELL HER, DAILY! He does this so often, it’s sickening! I hate it! I’ve known them both from high school. Perhaps hearing this from every other person who has gone through some shit, it might sink in…. I KNOW she wants to know that she and the kids will be okay…. I know the fear is losing the house, having to move, the kids’ friends, etc. The thought alone gives me anxiety. You guys are an amazing group of supporters!!!

      • Toward the end of the marriage, my X was actively seeking approval from his friends as to my worthiness. Even at the time, I felt on trial, as he seemed so keen that new people to whom he introduced me think well of me.

        What all of us didn’t realize is that we were constantly auditioning for a part we already had.

    • That’s not exactly what he meant. He’s saying she is plan b. It’s the whole “I was going to come back after playing around”. Numbnuts told me the same thing through an acquaintance after the divorce was final.

      This hoe will never be plan b lol.

    • This is brilliant CIR. A simple recognition but so fundamental and true. If only legislation could be passed making its common sense truth a mandatory part of all RIC counseling. The entitlement, the capacity for remorseless comfort in deceitful abuse, the incapacity for bonding…were all present in them before we ever met them. Of course these attributes played into every issue (assuming there actually were any).

      When two sheep get together they understand and facilitate each other’s need for example to huddle close in a herd. It’s a shared given. But when a wolf partners with a sheep, no matter how well formed his false prey-animal persona is, he will always chafe to some extent under such restrictions. What are deep needs and values to one are necessary evils to the other. This underlying truth can’t help but make an enormous difference.

      Better metaphor yet – a parasite and a host. Can these two ever actually have a relationship? Only as long as the host doesn’t recognize the parasite for what it is. The parasite will go along with the host in all things yet pursuing its own ends at all times. And when this recognition finally does happen, the parasite will say “I never meant for this to happen”, still hoping to suggest that they ever actually shared the host’s values, needs, commitment and dreams. They didn’t. They are simply different creatures. They have entirely different ends and part of being what they are is delivering a portrayal that they aren’t. In fact, reread the whole text as though a talking tapeworm has been flushed out and is now addressing its former host from the bottom of a stainless steel basin. It makes the “how can they dare say that?!” less baffling.

  • Thinking out loud here…
    Why does the thought of leaving someone who crystal-clearly demonstrated they are unsafe and untrustworthy cause me fear and anxiety? Why am I not fearful and anxious at the prospect of STAYING with them? My husband shopped on Craigslist in the Casual Sex ads for a Chinese woman to have sex with. They liked each other! They are “sole” mates! (His spelling) She is kind! (in my universe people who knowingly fuck married people are NOT kind). Well, maybe the karma Mack truck is headed in his direction today. My dear AA/Al Anon sponsor referred me to her lawyer. I am on my way to see her today for the first time (pray for me at 10am). She is a Super Lawyer. She happens to be Chinese. Appointment is at 10am today. Prayers and advice welcome. STBXH does not know I am going.

    • Hope everything went well with the lawyer appointment Velvet Hammer ! Anyhow, change is always scary, not surprising. You are used to STBXH, he’s a habit (bad one) and really, just fear of the unknown. Start mapping things out for yourself, write shit down. It might help. I’ll say it again, it’s totally normal to get worried and anxious when you are stepping into new territory. Jedi Hugs!

      • Crashed my car in the parking lot pulling in for the appointment….my foot slipped off the brake. I am ok but my car got crunched. At least I really liked my new Lawyer.

        • Oh (((((Velvet Hammer)))))
          I am so sorry for all you are going through.
          So glad that you are ok and that you like your lawyer.
          Sorry about your car.
          I hope you see this late posting, because I want to tell you something, YOU ARE MIGHTY!

  • My husband said something similar, “It just happened.” No, it didn’t “just happen”, it was intentional. It’s amazing how they all try to defer guilt by blaming something beyond their control.

    Time will tell if this is the right decision. Is he a little afraid of what his future will look like since he didn’t plan on getting caught? His deception was working for well in the beginning, he didn’t think it out that far.

    Yes, that last sentence is definitely him begging for mercy because she should be the better person as she’s always been for him.

    These people are pathetic. Reprobates, really.

    • I took that “time will tell” sentence as a subtle threat or putdown of the wife, a “you will be sorry later when I’m gone (that you didn’t just take my abuse), because you’ll never find anyone else (as entitled as I am).

  • Here’s the thing and it’s always where these assholes’ pleas or arguments fall apart: if you were that unhappy or unsatisfied with your marriage, then just divorce your spouse. You can try counseling, but if you just want your divorce, then fine. Be honest and fair, and just dissolve the marriage. Sure your spouse will be upset, but at least they will eventually understand.

    But don’t go out there trying out other women/men behind your spouse’s back for weeks/months/years while you work out your “happiness” issues. There will be plenty of time for that later — after you are divorced. Oh, and try not to hide a bunch of money from your spouse while you’re at it. That would be nice too. Thanks.

    • ^^^^This!^^^^

      And that “I was just going to try to ride it out” is such a cop-out, and shifts all responsibility away from the cheater for actually working to make what is unsatisfactory better.

      • It’s a cop-out and image management. They tried, really tried to tolerate all of your issues and failures by riding it out. Instead of coming clean with they wanted to do it. They didn’t care that you were collateral damage. They were selfish. And they wanted you to be their Plan B in case this doesn’t work out.

        • Mine was even a better mindfuck, he was “trying to do the right thing” by staying. You can’t fault trying to do the RIGHT thing can you? What a fucking HERO!

      • “shifts all responsibility away from the cheater for actually working to make what is unsatisfactory better.”

        YAASSSSSS!! Still to this day when I hear things my Ex says about our relationship–that he wasn’t happy or I did way worse things than he did, I think to myself, What did you do to try to improve ANYTHING in our marriage?? The answer is nothing. Not a damn thing. All the responsibility gets pushed onto me. And the same thing continues to happen. Co-parenting sucks but they (the OW and him) push all of that onto me. It’s my responsibility to overlook their bad communication and rise above it while they continue to verbally abuse me and tell me how unreasonable I am being when I ask if they were drinking and driving with my child or why they didn’t treat a burn. Its BS.

    • So true, Blindside. This sentence pretty much defines Hannibal Lecher’s post-D-day response, “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you how horrible you were and how you drove me into the arms of another woman sooner. My bad. I used my dick when I should’ve used my words.”

      After I filed & went NC with him, he started to tell people that he should have divorced me years prior.

      And yet….I had asked to terminate the relationship at least once a year for 12 years because of his shoddy treatment of me. If he was so unhappy, why didn’t he take me up on that offer rather than BEG me not to leave him–he would change. He even begged me not to leave him as he had active Ashley Madison, Adult Friend Finder, and Craigslist accounts (though I didn’t discover this until post-divorce).

      Liars, the lot of them. Their “unhappiness” is a post-hoc excuse for whoring around.

    • My ex actual had the balls to explain to me WHY he couldn’t just tell me he wanted out of our relationship (we weren’t married, just 14 years together, 2 tweens, house/mortgage, all that). It was because, and I quote; ‘it would have taken SO MUCH STRENGTH to leave, before knowing for sure whether she (Shmoops) would have him’. This brilliant explanation occurred during a hoover attempt, when I noted that despite his protestations, he was still a lying cheater, since he was at that point trying to cheat on Shmoops with me. Apparently, it would also have taken SO MUCH STRENGTH to leave her before knowing for sure that I’d take him back.

      All this, of course, after his terribly sincere promises, after Affair #1, 7 years previously, that even if he were terribly unhappy in our relationship, he would leave before screwing anybody else again.

      Oooooh, now that’s attractive, A man who freely admits (and clearly considers it normal) that he is too weak to be honest in his relationships.

  • First divorce lawyer appointment today at 10am.
    Prayers and advice welcome. My husband shopped for a Chinese woman on Craigslist to have sex with….she is is “sole” mate!….(his spelling)… Higher Power brought me my own Chinese woman to answer back….my new Super Lawyer referred to me by my kick-ass AA/AlAnon sponsor. Karma Mack truck?

  • Gawd….. this is like an excerpt from my own life. My ex gave me the sorry-but-not-sorry monologue shortly after D-Day. Then he used big words of how he wanted this all to be “amicable” and “equitable” (As he was literally raping the household of all the personal items that he wanted to take with him, he didn’t want to wait for a divorce settlement before taking his portion of the property).

    He later wanted to lecture me about how to act in front of the children. (I called him and the OW a few bad names and embarrassed him, you see.) Funny how they want to lecture you on a righteous code when they indeed have a zero score on the morality scale.

    But Karma…. he now has to borrow his OW’s ride to get back and forth to work because hecan’t afford the gas in his truck. Basically using the new squease to bail him out of his current struggles. He is behind on his personal payments, he now has to pay childcare for his daughter (from his first divorce) in the summer because he no longer has me as free childcare and OW works. I think it’s glorious. I’m sure OW thought she was getting a breadwinner but really what she got was a mooch that now has to support 3 households.

    • Ha ha, on not being able to pay for gas. The Twat earned 7-8 times what the Skank earned and when he needed to put down the deposit on the farmhouse he was going to rent he asked if he could borrow the money from her, but would you mind not moving in!!!! Strangely enough she didn’t go for it. I wonder why!

    • DivineComedy, stbx must be related to the one in your life. SSDD and wow, it never stops surprising me how similar this crap is. Narcula did the same. He was raping, love that description its so appropriate, our marital assets for almost 2 years before he moved out. Well, I caught him moving items of value out of our house to a storage unit he got 2mths before. Since he left, Sparkletwat the yoga camp troll has moved on from him too, not sure if she is still on the new car he bought and his life insurance policy or not it was court ordered he remove her from the policies and put me back on, to a much older and richer man. Thanks for sharing.

    • Holy shit DivineComedy, were we married to the same dumbass?!?! I got the same dumb lecture about how I had to be nice to him and treat him with respect and if I could follow his rules we could do this amicably. All I could think is “who the eff are you to tell me how to behave after you cheated on me and suddenly abandoned me and your son for some stranger you met on the internet??” It was mind-boggling!

      Now he drives his new girlfriend’s minivan around because he can’t afford the gas to drive his truck. He is behind on child support and he owes me thousands of dollars from our divorce settlement. But new girlfriend feels so sorry for him because I’m such an evil shrew and really screwed him over in the divorce. She let him move in with her and her child after knowing him all of 3 months because he just couldn’t afford to stay in the apartment he was living in. He’s such a nice guy after all. . .

      Good riddance is what I say! Glad he’s not my problem anymore!

      • Ha ha!!! According to a friend, six months ago Ex and OW “broke up” and they are “no longer a couple” but he still lives in her house “because he can’t afford a place of his own.” So funny. And OW just lost the fourth job she’s had in the past five years since DDay/GTFO Day. Sunday July 29th is my Freedomversary, five years ago I kicked the lying cowardly abusive freeloading selfish worm out of my life. I love reading about consequences to these scum.

        • Freedomversary–I’m totally adopting that! Hope you have plans to do something awesome for yourself on your Freedomversary 🙂

          • I’m thinking of either solo kayaking or having some special friends over, those who always had my back, or maybe both!! Thanks MommyToGrownManNoMore!

    • “amicable” and “equitable”…mine used “TRANSPARENT”

      I was like, wow, do you even know what that means?? LOL

    • Oooh yeah, my ex also went there, about the bad names. After ALL THE CRAP he did, for years, including violence, two affairs, then abandoning the kids after I kicked him out, he was (and still is) furious that in a therapy session for his family therapy w/the kids, I called him a ‘jackass’ several times. (Only the therapist was there, besides he and I.)

      I think his pwecious widdle feelings were hurt!

      • After he was aware that I had his whole cheating ass figured out, he asks me to please respect each other and to not make our personal lives and the reasons for the divorce public. My response was simple: “ you don’t have to worry about me saying anything.. what you chose to do in public was just that, IN PUBLIC. I won’t have anything new to tell anyone, they saw you in action the whole time!! “ His response- literally his jaw dropped. Shock and awe, baby!!

  • “I know ur super pissed”

    What is he, 13 years old? “Super pissed” doesn’t even begin to cover it. What a man baby. I hope your divorce goes quickly and he enjoys his foggy future (which he built). Oh yes, he SUCKS!

  • I’ve checked some of the archives and have never seen a post about How You Found Out. I’d love to read about everyone’s story. I’m sure that if we compare, we will see that all of the cheaters have similar methods of trying to hide it and then denying the obvious.

  • So my husband shopped on Craigslist in the Casual Sex ads for a Chinese woman to have sex with. They liked each other! They are “sole” mates! (His spelling) She is kind! (in my universe people who knowingly fuck married people are NOT kind). My Higher Power sent me my own Karmic Mack truck Chinese woman in response….my kick-ass AA/AlAnon sponsor referred me to her female Super Lawyer (Chinese). Karma Mack truck? I see her today at 10am. This is my FIRST EVER appointment to see a divorce lawyer…prayers and advice welcome…..

  • Ugh, I need a “Like” button for these comments because I couldn’t agree more.

    Chump Lady, you do such a public service for calling it like it is. You are like the rope around our waists, pulling us through the fog and siren song of adulterous spouse mind-fuckery. God bless you.

  • “I used my dick when I should’ve used my words” made me spit out my coffee. That’s very funny!

  • SORRY FOR THE DUPLICATE POSTINGS…..something was going on and they weren’t showing up….!

    • They all show up now, hope your appt went well. You can do this! Jedi Hugs!

  • CIC – my ex said (yes, in person) almost the exact same speech except he left out the cheating part which I discovered 3 weeks later. He wanted to save face, plain and simple. He even told me that he didn’t want to end up hating me like he did his 1st wife. He wanted up to just part and be OK with each other. Other than, “something inside me just clicked” I got no further explanation about why he wanted to end our 18 year marriage.

    He didn’t want me to know that he had ED (yes, it had been awhile since we had sex). He didn’t want me to know that he visited escorts because having a fling with ED issues might be a bit embarrassing. However, then you get Viagra, meet your future soulmate and now suddenly you need to get away from the wife who has loved you wholeheartedly your flaws. BUT HE DIDN’T TELL ME ANY OF THIS!

    He wanted to escape with a clean image of man who just fell out of love with his wife and had been unhappy for 5 years. Heck, he even made a point (twice) of telling me that I was unhappy.

    He has pathetic excuse of man and despicable human being. The only people left who even like or love him is his family.

    Write him off, being there for your children and go live your life with his sorry ass.

  • “I hope that you can be the bigger person For The Children. Let me lecture you about civility and fair-mindedness For The Children”

    This sounds like shit my STBX says (41 days and I’ll be typing EX).

    Nothing irritates me more than perpetrators who sit on their moral high horse!

    Chumps don’t you know it’s our response to their behavior that is the real problem here! I mean really… the kids well being isn’t influenced by

    hours away from them screwing an office mate; or …. the hours of income lost while screwing said office mate;
    or … using the kids college funds to wine and dine a smoopsie;
    or … potentially losing their job for screwing an office mate;
    or …. gambling with incurable diseases and passing it on to the unsuspecting parent.

    No chumps… that’s right, the kids well being all hinges on your civility! Don’t you care about your kids enough to put their well being first by being best friends with your ex? Gees, I guess some chumps are just too simple minded – even the ones that can spell you’re!

    OMG someone knock these fuckwits off their damn high horses!

    • I just got his text yesterday about working together for our “sweet daughter’s sake”. He wanted me to work together so he could finalize his Christmas travel plans with her. Oh and he informed me shortly afterwards he filed paperwork to force me to sell our house. So much for working together for our “sweet daughter’s sake”. What an asshole.

      • Yep! True to their nature…. hypocrites through and through!

        Arg…. your daughter needs her parents to be best friends, but housing… meh, who needs a house when working together is all you need.

        I hope you get to keep the house ????.

        • Yep, who needs a house, or food and all that pathetic “life” stuff?

          I hope I get to keep the house too ????. And my sanity.

  • Decisions, decisions…..
    Aren’t they all riding it out? Until….

    The decision tree was a Limited flowchart with a capital ME at the top. What follows is blame, entitlement, the self pity and a happy ending. Instead of arrows the dick was the pointer. All paths led to betrayal. And the winner is…

    These are cowards. Make your own flowchart, with the consequences at the top.

  • He is hoping you will be so stupid that he gets all the money. And maybe the house. And doesn’t have to pay child support. The list is endless.

    I have always hated that lyric. Lol

  • He’s not sorry. He is sorry he got caught.

    He is manipulating you.

    If I had a penny for everytime I heard the “I never meant to hurt you.” bullshit line, I’d be retired and floating on a beach recliner with a tropical drink in my hand daily

  • I am convinced that all cheaters think the same. When I found out about my STBX cheating with my cousin. He said “I thought you did not love me anymore.” “You did not want to go away that much or go to bars.” “We really never got along anyway.” I could go on and on. In his narcissistic mind he was justified. Poor little cheater his poor wife did not love him or want to go out and play. When I asked him what he saw in her. His response was she liked to have fun. He threw a 34 year marriage in the dumpster for a women who liked to have fun. He is no longer with the women who just wanted to have fun. She was in debt and did not pay her bills. All she wanted to do is party. My STBX is contesting the divorce. Because he wants to make our marriage work. I guess the party girl thing wore out fast.

  • Is it bad that I read what he TEXTED and just found myself laughing out loud? WTF – were you supposed to CELEBRATE his infidelity? His lies? His waffling?

    Sure you can be civil for the children’s sakes but that doesn’t mean taking it up the financial tailpipe too!

    Hey, speaking of the children, get ahead of the state/judge’s recommendations and go sign up for one of the ‘how to co-parent with your worst nightmare’ classes that you’ll have to take anyway. Run a credit check on yourself. ENSURE he didn’t use your SSN to get fresh new lines of credit with which to fuck other people, that he then didn’t pay. If he did so, file a police report. Make him pay that off.

    If you can demonstrate he used marital money for his side fucks, awesome. Maybe your state won’t roast his financial balls, but your lawyer may be able to arm-twist him into long-term concessions for the kids (like: hell yes Cheater will pay for 50% of the tuition, fees, books if the kids go to college or trade school). Kids get more costly as their interests and activities fees bloom.

  • Just goes to show you that the cheater narrative is all the same.

    “I’m sorry, but……” Deflect. Deflect. Deflect.

    No mention of what they did. Rather you’re responsible too……

    Stay strong. Enforce boundaries. And get on with your mighty self!!!

  • “Time will tell.”

    Mr. Sparkles used this little nugget. Took me a while and a big 2 x 4 upside my head to realize that this was his way of planting seeds for me to either pick me dance… or languish and wait for him to grant me with his decision to come back to me.

    It’s all a trap with these fuckwits. EVERY WORD is a manipulation. We don’t see it because we are normal and don’t work this way, but trust me… it is all they know.

    At the end of the day, for me, it is very simple: a man doesn’t trip on the street and land with his penis stuck where it doesn’t belong (and visa versa for girls)… it takes INTENTION… intention to LIE… intention to MINDFUCK… intention to CAUSE HARM (yes, to the kids too)… and no – they do not change.

    For the children, get out of that sick relationship now and block texts from him. Make him communicate through email only and encourage full sentences 🙂

  • If he asks why she divorced him later, she can simply reply “It just happened”. ????

  • CIC,

    I’m sorry for the pain you’re going through. It’s difficult to come to grips with the fact that your spouse is a person of bad character who’s simply unable to comprehend the full ramifications their actions.

    All marriages face challenging and hard times, especially during those ‘middle years’ when the everyday noise of household, kids, work and life in general can seem overwhelming. The marital relationship can end up at the bottom of the stack.

    But challenging times reveal character. Everyone knows that marriage (and life) is not all sunshine & lollipops. Truly “riding it out” means there’s an underlying understanding, an assurance, between spouses that struggles are inevitable and ultimately those struggles can strengthen and season a relationship. In time, marital vows take on form and substance, a living bond that becomes an integral part of your existence. Within this structure cheating is inconceivable to the loyal spouse.

    But, again, challenging times reveal character. A cheating spouse is worse than the army deserter, the public official who takes bribes, or the marathon runner who takes a taxi during the race.
    It’s worse because it inflicts the loyal spouse with the searing pain of betrayal at the most personal level. It uproots families and results in permanent damage to innocent children.

    Your husband’s written admission that he decided to cheat while “riding it out” is all the assurance you need of his bad character and that divorce is the right choice.

    Best of luck!

    • You said that very well. We had weathered difficult periods before and came out stronger. I thought we were jus going through another slump due to the stresses of his trying to rebuild a new career and moving half way across the country. I still tried to let him know every day that I loved him even when he was being a jerk because I fully expected us to get through the difficult time (for better and for worse). I thought we were bonded. When he inserted Schmoopie into the mix, however, getting through the stressful time became impossible. It just took me a while to realize it. He chose a seemingly easier path, but the long term rewards will never be as good. He will never have with her what he could have had with me.

      • I hear you Chumpinrecovery. My ex kept talking about how we were entering our 2nd half which would be better than first. Kids all raised and back to the two of us. Apparently he didn’t mean any of it. I firmly believed that we would grow old together and believed him and in him. I was such a fool.

      • Chumpinrecovery, I need you to be my mentor lol. Your ex is just like mine. Great work ethic, “such a good guy”, super manipulative but in the most subtle twisted ways, everyone loves him, image management extraordinaire, “respected”, abandonment, blah blah blah. I’m only 4 months out and I’m still spinning. I just found out today that the whore sleeps in the bed with my little girl when he has her at his house. I’m so livid.

        • 1. All 3 of us might be with the same guy. Douchebag’s image management needs are next level and unfortunately seem to be working to some degree although I don’t know since I dropped all people playing Switzerland from my life.
          2. Your child should not be sleeping with an adult other than her mother or father for any reason. Tell him to stop allowing that or to court you go.
          3. Seriously, can the three of us be friends?

          • Ungh. Seriously. These guys suck so bad but they sure are sparkly! Fuck them. And yes let’s be friends!! How do we do that lol?

            P.s. I’m at ragingmeh right now…. I’d love to be at just meh.

      • Amen Sister. ‘He will never have with her what he could have had with me.’ No truer words have ever been spoken.
        Well said.

    • GratefullyDivorcedDad,

      Your post revealed *your* stellar character. This is a Hall-of-Fame level post.

      Thank you

  • During MC there was a discussion about rating marriage satisfaction on a scale of 1-10. The counselor indicated that marriages in the 6-10 range did not experience infidelity and that it usually didn’t happen unless the satisfaction level fell into the 1-3 range. My ex ran with this. “our marriage was a 2, what did you expect?” as if I shared the blame for his poor choices. That is way too simplistic, however. First of all, I was in the same marriage, but I didn’t cheat. If you feel your marriage is in the 1-3 range that is a sign that you should be doing something more constructive to fix it or just get divorced if you are too lazy and cowardly to try and make it better. Second of all, it implies that the faithful spouse was somehow responsible for the marriage being a 2. It seems to me, however, that most of that blame lies with the unfaithful spouse before they even get to the cheating part. They tend to be people who are generally dissatisfied with life no matter the circumstances and they will always see a 2 even if most would see an 8 in the exact same circumstances. It isn’t the spouse that is making them miserable, they are making themselves miserable. Also, people who cheat tend to have an entitled attitude and lack empathy and emotional maturity. Those traits would make them, not the faithful spouse, difficult to live with. Finally, the damage starts as soon as they first start to feel the need for kibbles outside of their marriages in the first place. This has nothing to do with whether or not the marriage is bad. The marriage doesn’t have to be bad for someone to be exceptionally needy of attention beyond what one person can reasonably supply. As soon as they start focusing their attentions elsewhere, however, the marriage suffers. They start to see others as potentially superior to their spouses and then the devalue begins. They start to pursue relationships with others (not always physical at first) which takes resources away from the marriage. They become distant, critical and irritable towards the faithful spouse and often the children too. Those behaviors cause the faithful spouse to either react negatively or retreat to avoid conflict. The unfaithful spouse then uses this as proof that the marriage is a 2. They are miserable. They feel unloved. Their spouses are either being mean to them or not giving them the attention they deserve (even if they are never home). They were just reaching out for attention and validation when they strayed because they were being abused and/or neglected by the faithful spouse. See how easy it is deflect blame for one’s own poor choices and emotional/psychological inadequacies?

    • My ex started distancing himself from me about 2 years ago. He started gong to the gym with his stepson. He would be gone till 7:30-8pm and then they would come home and still be talking about the gym. I was a third wheel. Then he would be pissed that I was upset from being ignored. Toward the end, I finally told him that he set me up to fail – what a jackass. I was supposedly unhappy. I told him that I wasn’t depressed. I was upset because I had been trying to reach him and he just didn’t care.

    • This is so well said and explains perfectly the relationship dynamic between a narcissist and a chump. I knew I was the giver in life and he was the taker. He’s needy and attention seeking. I was the baseline kibble supplier for almost 20 years. A steady stream of kibble but he always was on the lookout for high supply. The high supply was always something high dose, but short lived like a work project, a friendship, a hobby, and schmoopies. I came to realize that all these high kibble supplies had a life span of 2-3 years tops.

      I stopped becoming close with these new friendships and their wives because when it was over, it was awkward. His hobbies consisted of the same things. Tons of money invested in whatever and then he was done, the stuff was garbage. The work thing, that only lasted briefly early on in his medical career when he did research. Then done, had 3 bosses and they all started as the smartest, greatest people to they were incompetent and didn’t know the value of him as he never got promoted.

      So get away from these narcs, make a clean break. They just want to continue to use you for kibbles. But schmoopie provides more kibbles for now so run along and I’ll let you know when I need yours–fetch! And please be civil and don’t make waves with the image of the awesomeness of me with the kids, family, work colleagues, friends, etc… He surely tried, tried in vain, but you can’t fault him for having to find a soul mate.

      • So true. Narc vampires will slowly tap their enablers/chumps dry over long periods of time. Their shelf life in most all other relationships is three years maximum. They either get bored or reveal their true self, and it’s time to move on.

      • #Chumpinrecovery and #twiceachump — What you both say here resonates with me so much. Some aspects of my ex’s character are represented in what’s talked about on this site, but not all of it. I’m interested to know if your exes are hoover’ers or ghosters. Mine’s the latter. He’d washed his hands of me before I even knew I was being thrown away. Somehow I was to blame even though for years he had been out of the house for more and more time (in the last couple of years between 9 am and 11 pm most days–weekdays and weekends). And yet our lack of connection is my fault? We used to joke about how much attention he needed. I stopped saying yes to trying new things with him because I saw how he would buy expensive items for new hobbies but then never have the time to actually use that equipment. How many times was I supposed to see this pattern and our not-growing-savings account and feel the hurt of him not following through on activities we were supposed to do together, yet still agree with his desire to purchase certain things and to pretend he was actually going to follow through on his plans? And yet, despite being the adult and actually feeling like the more joyful of the two of us, I am somehow the stick-in-the-mud who didn’t fulfill his needs. Arg. Still smarting.

        • Mine left me after DDay but he did it in slow motion which kept me smoking the hopium for a while. Eventually I realized it was two steps away to every one step back. I figured he would eventually get around to actually divorcing me and the only thing I could control was the timing so I am the one who pushed that through in the end while I was still able to get a good settlement out of him. Although he seemed somewhat hesitant to divorce in the beginning (despite repeatedly stating that he “hadn’t felt like my husband in years” and “Schmoopie means the world to me”) there has never been and I would be willing to bet never will be any actual hoovering (that would require admitting to making a mistake). So not exactly ghosted, but no effort to hoover either. I guess that’s about the best I could hope for but he’s still a jerk. Meanwhile I have years of birthday cards, anniversary cards, valentine’s day cards etc. some from only a few months before DDay telling me what an amazing wife I was and how lucky he was to have me making me think he still loved me in spite of his disgruntled nature.

    • This is exactly right! I kept saying I was set up to fail! Of course I was no fun, I got left out. Of course I didn’t want to go out for drinks, you were doing that away at college while I had the kids, of course I focused on the “negative” you would never fix an argument with me but just make me feel like a whiner for bringing it up.

      His wife before me was set up to fail too.

      Damn, I’m mad today.

    • ++Me++ my job communicative, silent, moody, lazy husband . incapable of doing anything. I organised everything for 18 years. He did nothing. I stopped asking him to do stuff as was wasting my time waiting for him to do it. He told me I didn’t value him and she did. She ‘supported’ him unlike me the wife raising five children virtually single handedly. I asked him to work on our marriage months before the shit storm. He threw it back in my face telling me there is no point, I’ll only find fault and row so there is no point going out on a night out together. Four months later the physical stuff starts. Was probably building up to it a long time. That’s what happens with a cold non empathetic person. I met him at work. He didn’t socialise with anyone, had no friends. I thought he was intriguing. Didn’t say much but when he talked he was witty. Stupid me. All these red flags. The little bit of conversation he made occasionally contained sarcastic opinions about people. He was rude and not very pleasant. Why did I see that as interesting? Fool me. The whore he left me for is Russian. She is as cold as ice. She has already insulted my teenage son in one of the few interactions she has had with the children. My kids don’t want to see her. After what happened I forced him to sign a document that she is nowhere near them when he has them. It’s driving him mad and he wants it reversed. I’m not budging. I have not brought my children into the world to wake up and see their father sharing a bed with a woman who destroyed their family. The two weirdos can rot

    • After I recovered from post partum, I knew something was wrong w DB. He was disengaged, he started blowing up over nothing in a very personal way. 6 months of that and I said….something changes or in 6 months or marriage is going to be in serious trouble. 1 year of MC with some ups and downs but basically everyone agrees we love each other, great foundation for marriage, just normal communication and transition problems associated w being new parents. 10 year anniversary at honeymoon location. MC session where happiness is rated as an 8 and then 1 month and 8 days later, DB has been unhappy for a while, divorce is the only answer, and no his EA with a coworker that started while away for a month for business has 0 to do with this. MC shut that down, read him the riot act, nothing ……welcome to how disordered these people are.

      • Ragingmeh, now we really need to be friends. Same.For.Me.

        Bad post partum, treated me like crap after, marriage counselor could tell “how much love we had for each other”. Faked his happiness (or was happy who the fuck knows anymore), two years later after treating me good/bad/good out the door and ghosted. Now he treats me worse than toilet paper stuck on the bottom of his shoe….. and fakes being “nice” so everyone will see what a great guy he is and our marriage just “fell apart”. Douche.

        • Ragingmeh, and btw, post partum can be a sign of being in an emotionally abusuve relationship btw.

  • This is exactly my ex cheater’s tone in his faux-pology letters. Creepy lazy vague subtly blaming backstabbing garbage.

    Way to go getting out from under his spell.

  • Truly pathetic huh.

    My ‘moral cheater’ (note inverted commas) came up with some of the most vague, wafting, poetic, meaningless crap about us past, present, future. Completely impenetrable, sad sausage stuff all the way. Like what does that text mean. The thing is it would infuriate me as I bet it does you.

    At the weekend mine finally caught up with his mum (5 months since D Day but only 2.5 months since he moved out) and said to her he finds it really sad (oooh sad emoticon please) that our communication is soooo bad (sadly I have to co-parent with him and my amazing daughter is only 8 – why god why?) and he told her he still wants to be there for me and wants me to be happy in my new found freedom. Awwww, god it’s all OK then.

    Oh guys, sorry I’d better get off this site cause I’ve just realised, I wasn’t cheated on, he actually set me free. How stupid of me. (OK yeah well probably he did but that’s for me to decide not him right CN).

    Dear Complete Idiot Chump. you are not a complete idiot because you would surely never ever send such. pathetic text in your life and you know that the content of that text is the work of a complete idiot.

    Well done CN and CL for making me laugh about the bad stuff once again and see it for what it is.

    Oh yes but despite not understanding why our communication is so bad he will NOT admit to having had an affair** and is still purporting that they are ‘just good friends’. She bleats regularly on social media (fuckwit) and recently it was about their ‘life plans’. Funnily enough me and my good friends don’t make ‘life plans’.

    *(I gather from the poem I found to her that they were ‘Happy in the Mirrors of Our Affection’ which I have taken to mean this was an emotional affair cause he’s such decent guy and affairs aren’t his style so probably just a year of calling each other literally continuously, going out for dinner, cocktails, sending poems, not coming home, ringing her at 6am on the way to the airport to Scotland when he was going there for business/she lives and they both worked together so let’s be fair to him CN, that’s an upstanding and moral kind of partner right there no?

    What a truly pathetic bunch these people are.

    • Yeah, no; they fucked, count on it. Don’t worry about proof. You are free now, take it and take a few Jedi Hugs.

  • “I’m sorry I just don’t know what happened between us”

    You cheated.

    “and it seems like I’m the only one that feels or sees it.”

    No, you cheated and are pretending you didn’t seriously do something fucked up.

    “I usually can see myself in future situations and its all cloudy rn.”

    Probably because you didn’t think you’d get caught, therefore you have no contingency plan.

    “You always said that if this were to happen to do it now rather than later when we’re old af.”

    Yep, pretty much. Cut the cord instead of dragging it out darlin’.

    “Its going to be rough and hard.”

    I’m sure your mistress will smooth you out. *eyeroll*

    “Time will tell if this is the right decision.”

    *counts five seconds* well that’s long enough, what d’yaknow it IS.

    “There’s been so much hurt and uncertainty for so long and I hate it.”

    Hurt, as in the pain you caused your wife. Uncertainty as in you don’t know what to do because you didn’t expect consequences. I’m sure you hate having to find something to eat other than cake.

    “We both do.”

    Yeah, she hates being cheated on and you hate having to be held accountable.

    “I’m not proud of what I’ve done at all.”

    Sorry I can’t hear you over the sound of your own bullshit.

    “I should’ve said something a lot sooner and I’m sorry I didn’t.”

    Sometimes it gets hard to talk when you’re putting your dick in someone other than your wife.

    “I was just gonna try to ride it out and see if things got better with us.”

    Riding the other woman isn’t what “riding it out” means.

    “I know ur super pissed, mad and sad and I’m sorry I really am.”

    Apparently not sorry enough to actually spell out “you are.”

    “I never meant for all this to happen the way it did.”

    You meant to just never get caught.

    “We’ve been in each other’s life for a long ass time and we have two great kids.”

    Funny how that only seems to matter after you get caught.

    “I hope that we can be civil for them.”

    I hope you choke on an M&M.


    “I should’ve said something a lot sooner and I’m sorry I didn’t.” “I done you wrong will you still take me back”

  • “I was just going to RIDE it out”! Uh, I think thats exactly what mine did for over 3 decades. All of them have the same SADZ when shit hits them in the face. Only its different shit than what the faithful spouse gets hit with. 3 yrs divorced now, I literally heard and went through it all. The 3 grown up kids, two now married, one grand baby, him retired but working ‘hard’ at his second career. Lots of traveling, unaccounted money, living the dream cheater. Till one day while discussing something else, he decides to lay on another Dday that happened 26 years ago. It was actually the NIGHT my 3 child was born. That was my AH HA moment…. This guys is Fucked Up Beyond Repair. The serial cheating started right after we got married, after I grilled him all day like a damn attorney (Im not) I decided it was time to cut this piece of work from my life. The load of crap he tried to dump on me included, “the family” go easy on his image!! FTS. He never wanted this … (LOL), apparently lots of strangers were as obsessed with his dick as he was! After being served divorce papers — he never saw it coming! WTF I guess he was so bloated with CAKE and kibbles he thought he would always have a soft place to hide his double life.
    The main line I HATED more than anything was his standard ” YOU are never going to let me live any of this down” YOU will throw this in my face the rest of my life” UMMM, YES I WILL, thats why Im divorcing you now, so i can choose how the next 30 years go. He played victim to everyone about how crazy. raging and unstable I had become. YUP, that was me, I let him have it. He bought himself an RV and moved away one day without a word. But preyed on my poor sons and told them after he was in the next state, he pulled off the side of the road and had a “Panic Attack” I told them not to believe it for one minute. He was a true sociopathic liar, leading a double life for 31 yrs. He ALONE blew up our marriage, and our family. I take NOT ONE ounce of shared blame. GET AWAY from these people as fast as you can. I regret not doing it sooner! AND don’t even get me started on a 61 yr old man in a sports car that a college kid would be driving. Complete with a grey goatee! EWWWW

    Great reminder CL to Gain a Life and Leave a CHEATER

  • As always, cheaters lack originality:

    “I should’ve said something a lot sooner and I’m sorry I didn’t.”

    I’m sorry I didn’t tell you how horrible you were and how you drove me into the arms of another woman sooner. My bad. I used my dick when I should’ve used my words.

    “I was just gonna try to ride it out and see if things got better with us.”

    I was completely optimistic that our relationship would be improved by me cheating on you.

    I got similar from cheater XH: “I thought I could solve all problems by everything by keeping it inside.”

    That was written to me in an email five years ago (this upcoming weekend) after he cleaned his stuff out the house while I was at my dad’s. He moved in with Schmoopie, the one that he denied having. (They’ve now been married for 3 years). Once he was out of the house and safe in Shmoopie’s experienced but disordered (she likes married men) arms, then the justifications started. All my fault, of course.

    My therapist loved the cheater email and did his own UBT – very similar to Chumplady’s. He added that my now XH has the emotional maturity of a 15 year old – plus he’s sociopathic.

  • Shucks I didn’t get that post to work. I was trying to paste an R. Lee Ermy picture I’m fond of and it deleted the text. My Bad.

    Anyway, let’s try this again (without R.Lee)…

    “I should’ve said something a lot sooner and I’m sorry I didn’t.” <—-I got this horseshit too. in a text.
    It was preceeded with the following text,

    “i done you wrong will you still take me back”. Crickets! 50 minutes later The Dragon sent the same text. I'm guessing she must have hit a bump in the road with Camperboy. Little did she know I was in the middle of my thrice-weekly martial arts class getting my soul and my body tuned up for the road ahead to MIGHTY.

  • “I was just gonna try to ride it out and see if things got better with us.”

    You mean, he was going to ride both of you and see how long it would take before you would toss his ass.

    How many marriages are made better when one is lying to their partner? You have to lie in order to cheat and that is true of people in open or polyamorous relationships. The foundation is built on trust and communication.

    I hope he gets the kids 50% of the time. Nothing cools ardor faster than the recriminating gazes of angry children at every meal.

    Definitely make a statement that he had a girlfriend while being married and without your knowledge or approval. It can be a lesson how not to treat your friends now and in the future.

  • “I never meant for this to happen” BWAHAHAH right??? It’s not like I plotted or planned or set up “play dates” FOR MONTHS to conspire against you or anything like that. And then seriously my clothes fell off and my dick accidentally fell into this strange woman’s vagina!!! No I didn’t plan anything. The universe did it. Blame the universe NOT ME. I’m an innocent bystander in all this. Things. just.happen. Silly right???

    Eff him. He will be using the same lines even when he’s old AF!! Get out NOW

    • Cheater XW told me the same thing on Dday. Said it was an unplanned accident blah, blah, blah. Three months later it turned out it was a 6 month thing with rendezvous emails, texts, naked pictures, co-worker adultery strategizing etc….. They never tell the truth.

      • Zell, what is it with naked pictures!!? Who the hell does that? Between spouses, yeah, maybe, but across the wide open internet!? This is a phenomenon that floors me. HHHEEEELLLLLOOOO out there. Those things never go away.

        • I don’t get that either. I would never send naked photos to anyone. You just never know where those might end up. Shudder. If my SO wants to see me naked he has to come see me in person.

  • Brilliant comments as usual. I particularly love the discussion about “MacArthur Park.”

    CompleteIdiotChump, What I want to add is block this man on phone or email. Get Messegner or some other app that he can use in an emergency, one that you only use for him. And tell him to use email only unless it is an emergency involving kiddos, defined as illness or injury or a need to hand off kids immediately ahead of schedule. Make it a lot tougher for him to gaslight you.This one is trying to avoid consequences.

    You might also count up how many times this cheater uses “I.” It’s a pretty good indicator that he’s all about himself.

  • Yup, mine was a cirrus (plane), a 22 year old b/f, lol’s, SO MANY selfies, and a GIANT tattoo of a mermaid on her back (mind you she could barely swim)…

  • ” I can usually see myself in all future situations”= I am central to my view of things and I like to control how things go.

  • ” you always said if this were to happen do it now…” = You told me to cheat. This is really your fault chump!

  • Cheaters want it both ways, they don’t value the relationship or they would have stayed faithful.
    But they want to wear the victim label and claim they “tried” or some BS like that.
    My cheating ClusterFuck said, “I am fiercely loyal to you, WisedUp!” and claimed that “for years” he had been fighting for our relationship but I was just so inadequate for his unmet (unspoken) “needs.” He also said “it just happened,” and that “I was defending us, WisedUp! I was defending us against her (OW)!” All this while fucking her secretly behind my back for about a year.
    So if fucking a slut is being loyal, and lying to me daily for a year, is defending our relationship, welcome to Bizarro World!
    In the end, when I still ruminate 5 years later, I find the easiest way to stop feeling bad is to flip the pronouns… i.e. “you were fiercely loyal to me, WisedUp,” and “you valued our relationship more than I did.”

    • I think they go for maximum benefit. Spouse and family to make them look respectable. Side piece for the dirty shady sexy part that jibes with who they *really* are.

  • “I hope that you can be the bigger person For The Children. Let me lecture you about civility and fair-mindedness For The Children from my lofty moral perch of the OW’s bed/my mother’s basement/this barstool.”

    This is exactly what my ex-cheater is like and still is like to this day. He loves to send me preachy, condescending emails about how my behavior (translating: truth telling and unwillingness to spackle for him anymore) are “inappropriate” and how he’s tired of my “drama” (the man literally turned a simple text exchange about a dentist appointment into WWIII).

    He tries to pretend that he is Father of the Year and that I’m some sort of miscreant who is out to sabotage his life, and it’s ridiculous because I ignore him as much as possible, and he’s managed to screw his relationship up with our three kids just fine without any help from me. I am looking forward to the next stage of my life when my kids are older, and I no longer have to deal with his cognitive dissonance problem.

  • They always say they are sad about it, but it’s total bullshit. Male or female- doesn’t matter- what they did fed their ego and they are proud about it. The tears and “sadness” they show you is just for manipulative purposes. They are only sad that they can’t run their scam on you anymore.

  • And wait…once divorce proceedings start in full and he sees what he has to give up, his Sad-ish Sausage channel will turn to the Angry and Arrogant channel all the way to the What’s Mine is Mine and What’s Yours is Mine channel. Enjoy the sappiness while you can and lawyer up.

  • Mine gave me almost the same spiel but in an email (yes, he is all class) with a few minor variations.

    But these lines are the same word for word…

    “I should’ve said something a lot sooner and I’m sorry I didn’t.”

    “I never meant for all this to happen the way it did.”

    “…we have two great kids. I hope that we can be civil for them.”

    I know there is a cheater handbook, but it still amazes me the same shit comes out of their lying mouths.

    WTF, Fuckers!?!

  • From 2015. I wonder if the person who authored it reads Chump Lady.

    What Liars And Cheaters Worry About Most, And How They Deal With It

    What is the biggest fear of a dishonest person?

    The obvious and most common answer to this question is likely to be ‘getting found out.’ But while that is always a fear that governs the cheater’s movements during the infidelity phase, it is not their biggest fear. It is being treated in the same way they treated their partner.

    There is a quote that goes, “When you choose to see the good in others, you end up finding the good in yourself.” This quote works the other way around too; a person who wrongs another person lives in perpetual fear of being wronged themselves. They project their wrongdoings upon their partners, and turn the tables around so much that they appear to be the innocent party. This is part of the way their brains work so that they can avoid taking responsibility for straying and can put their partners in a trap where they are forced to validate their own loyalty.

    1. They rationalize their behavior
    2. They trivialize their actions
    3. They reframe the past
    4. They distance themselves
    5. They prove it’s for the best
    6. They bring up past hurts
    7. They bury their own feelings
    8. They find someone or something else to blame

    9. They create a trap “Going by their biggest worry, liars and cheaters create a trap around their significant other, making it difficult for the other person to either vent out their hurt or even leave. The cheated partners are left feeling confused and wondering if there was any way they were responsible for their partners straying. By this stage, the cheater has successfully projected all their fear and insecurity onto their suffering partner.”

    10. They lie and cheat some more

  • I am very thankful for this post today. From my last (lying, insulting) boyfriend shortly after his last discard of me I got an email saying, ‘I’m trying to do better (for current lover).’ and ‘I don’t want to dwell on the past.’ No real apology. Like my ex-husband, he sucks.

    What cold, entitled behavior these ‘partners’ show in their ‘correspondence’ to the aggrieved parties.

    • They would rather drink tick dip than admit they are at fault and owe you a sincere apology at the very least for wasting your time, dicing your heart and slicing your soul to ribbons just to get some strange.

      • Thanks, JHW, for church support of me and others–eloquently expressed.

        • Autocorrect (?) changed ‘your’ to ‘church.’

          Another thing that makes me really sad is that my post-separation boyfriend and my husband did not seem to consider the kids in the situation. Not that my boyfriend had to say goodbye, but I don’t think that he even considered the fact that well as me, might miss him, or feel something about him leaving, as he had done many things with my family over decades.

          • So true. Golden D##k just didn’t blow up our three children’s and my world during his two (that I know of) long-term affairs, he blew up the worlds of the OWs’ kids. The first married OW had two kids and when SHE cheated on HIM and he came crawling back to his “real” family, he left her kids without even a goodbye. I always thought about them (not her, the skank can rot in hell), and felt bad for them. And years later when he started up his ten-year “marriage” with our neighbor (behind my back while he was “married” and living with me), he left those kids in the dust, too, when he left her. Heartless bastard. Chumpy me, I thought about those kids as well. I even bailed one of them out of jail AFTER I found out that his Mom was fucking Golden D##k (apple didn’t fall too far from the tree, but oh well). Someone with even a scrap of humanity would never do what he did, but hurting kids is beyond the pale to me. People are not disposable or collateral damage, except to narcissists.

  • Chump Lady, you always clear the fog from my brain. That’s why I still get so much out of reading you, even six years out from D-Day. You provide me with mental course corrections — THANK YOU!

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