“Closure” is just another word for hopium. Put down the crack pipe, chumps.
Don’t confuse closure with acceptance. We’re all about the meh here. Acceptance — learning what you control and what you do not — is peaceful and hard won. I’m talking about that insane stage chumps go through where they try to speak truth to stupid. Where they bargain. Where they do the pick me dance of “WHY DON’T YOU LOVE ME?!!!”
Chumps spackle and delude themselves into thinking they’re just going to give that cheater a good talking to! For CLOSURE.
They hope the impossible hope that the cheater will come to their senses. And apologize. And explain. See what they’ve been missing. And hand back the Crimea.
If you’re a cheater, “closure” is kibbles.
Cheaters hear: “I’m central! I matter!” And then they think: “I wonder how I can exploit this vulnerability for further gain?”
In my inbox this week was an example of this nutty dynamic. “Jennifer” writes:
A month later he contacted me and I sat down with him to tell him he will never have a place in my life and to see him in a capacity that was comfortable for me instead of running into him at work (he’s in an office 30 mins away from mine). He denied everything still, blameshifted to me that I wasn’t appreciating him, made him feel small, etc etc. He also flipped through the manipulations and left with what I thought was closure.
I sat down with him to tell him he will never have a place in my life
You know what says “You don’t have a place in my life”? NOT SITTING DOWN WITH HIM.
Let him address the empty chair.
And how on earth do you get “closure” from someone denying an affair and then blameshifting (the fictitious) affair back on to you? I didn’t do it. But if I did it, it’s your fault.
That’s NOT closure, that’s mindfuckery. Check!
The problem is while my mind felt great, my heart/body got in the last word. I stupidly invited him over, thinking we’d duke it out in real life and give me the chance to say even more to his face. He showed up and after I laid into him again and he did his best to take it, we ended up sleeping together.
See what I mean about “How can I exploit this vulnerability for further gain”? Sleeping with your ex is the pick me dance performed naked. It’s top shelf kibble. DO NOT DO THIS. If you did it, get an STD test, brush yourself off, and recommit to no contact. But whatever you do, STOP thinking you can bargain with someone into recognizing your worth.
What are you duking out? He cheated. Make a determination about that and if that’s acceptable to you. If it’s not? There is nothing left to say — you let your actions do the talking for you.
You want the last word? Have it with yourself. “Jennifer, you are not going to accept this shit another second longer. Quit looking to fuckwits for validation. You’re worth more than this. Tonight, how about you, me, myself, and I have a nice evening in with Netflix and box wine and watch ‘Escape to the Country’?”
Jennifer accepts this invitation with herself. Fuckwit sits alone in a bar, drinking next to an empty chair.