OptionNoMore suggested a column the other day — share the time you stood tall after having to face your ex or Schmoopie 5.0 at an event.
Then, Mr. CL offered this twisted suggestion — or share the time you failed miserably at this.
Was there glorious meh? Fifty-yard death stares? Vomiting on someone’s party shoes?
I know the interwebz are full of listicles on how to Clairvoyantly Uncouple for The Children. (Sticking jade eggs where the sun doesn’t shine?) But they never include the kind of advice you really need. Like a mantra of positivity so you’ll forget that time he fucked hookers while you were 7 months pregnant.
(This may be why no one puts me in charge of magazine listicles.)
We all know how hard it is to brighten up when the turd arrives in the punchbowl. For anyone who has 14 years of
hostage drop-offs child exchanges ahead of you, please be assured that meh is real. You CAN rewire all those neural networks to yawn at their idiocy instead of cowering in a corner away from it. But it takes time — and really, who wants to do this work? To get over phobias, you’re supposed to expose yourself to them. Touch a spider, drive over a bridge, ride in the airplane.
Great. Now what if that spider BIT you, the bridge collapsed, and the airplane crashed into a ball of flames. Would you want to go anywhere NEAR that shit?
But chumps, this is what we’re called upon to do — gain a life. Triumph over fuckwits. Ascribe them non-meaning. Feed no kibbles.
How’d you do it?
I don’t know if I’m quite at meh, but I treat him like a horrible customer. I am pleasant and bland and all noteworthy things are in writing. We were both at an event for our kid recently and of course he sat right next to me. I spent the whole time euphoric that his sweaty, hairy legs were no longer my problem. And went home after to a house free of him.
I keep myself as far away as possible from him. Pretty sure if I come within arms length, I won’t be able to keep my fingernails out of his jugular. That’s not a joke.
Then you should take up Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu to channel this impulse. Great sport, great exercise, and you’ll learn a wide variety of non-lethal chokes. Triangle choke, clock choke, baseball choke…even one called the rear naked choke (which isn’t quite what it sounds). He’ll pass out but he won’t die. Draw a permanent ink Hitler moustache on him while he’s out. He’ll keep his distance going forward and you probably won’t get any long term jail time.
How about the LETHAL chokes?!! I vote for learning those first!
I’m with Dixie! If you’re going to do it, do it right the first time!
If ever there was a justification for the thumbs-up emoji, this is it.
They’re all lethal if you hold them long enough.
TKO that is so hilarious. You made my morning.
This is so good TKO, I’m getting spasms just thinking of the Hitler stache on him. *furiously googles how to master Brazilian Jiu Jitsu overnight*
First thing I did 2 1/2 yrs ago when I knew she was cheating again after reconciliation was find a gym. Puttimg someone to sleep is life changing, as is practicing the ability to focus and stay calm while someone tries to put you to sleep (or break an arm, or wrist, or leg).
FWIW chokes are only non lethal IF you let go, which is something I encourage everyone to do.
I shudder to think how often we played this very dangerous ‘game’ in our early teen years. I’m not even sure why we were doing it.
That’s what sharpies are for.
It fades, I can relate exactly to that
I do this as well. I try to avoid him. Switched days I shop at Costco because my friend ran into him and Schmoopie on that day of the week at Costco. Friend said ex, who has known this friend (formerly our friend that we vacationed with, he ran with, we hung out with) for 20+ years, just said: “Hey, how’s it going…” and kept walking. The wifetress looked away.
If I ran into him and/or her, I wouldn’t acknowledge either of them. Schmoopie-fest 2013 is probably dying a slow, agonizing death. They don’t need me fanning the fire of their twu-luv.
That’s exactly where I’m at.
My daughter (11) and I (54) signed up for karate yesterday. It’s time. The affair has been like being kicked 24/7 for months and we are going to learn to fight back in a positive way. Our first class is next Tuesday night at 7pm…we are both excited. It is actually the first time I have felt excited about anything since April 2017. Feeling powerful will help me when have to face him, which is a lot because we have the business and our daughter. My rage alternates with pity….affairs are sorry and pathetic and gross and so are the people who engage in them. I aspire to mature love and am beginning with me by letting go of Mr. Sorry Pathetic and Gross. If he’s with her, she’s not going to get anything I didn’t and I want real love from a partner. Anyone who knowingly gets involved with committed people have rocks for brains and I do not want a partner with rocks for brains…..the good ones don’t cheat and I deserve a good one.
PS….for you spiritual chumps, grab a copy of Emmett Fox’s booklet, “The Golden Key”. I Golden Key everything problematic and it has never ceased to amaze me. I Golden Key the AP, my husband, any person, place, thing, situation, or problem that comes my way, sit back, and watch the perfect solution happen. I have years of personal experiences with this, one of my favorite coping tools!
Thanks for that! It’s beautiful and I had never heard of it before.
Okay, since CL mentioned me, the story of my failure.
Sat next to cheater ex-wife at the HS graduation of our oldest child a month or two after the divorce was final. At this point I knew she was hot and heavy with one of her APs, who she’d eventually convince to leave his wife and kids to marry her. Feeling some gesture of gratitude was expected, I turned to XW and said, “Whatever our failures, we sure made some amazing kids together.” I expected her to say something positive—anything, though perhaps generic and pro forms—in return. Something that might put a positive gloss on what should by all rights be a happy occasion. Instead, cheater glanced at me, nodded slightly, and said, “mmm.” The way a teenage babysitter might absentmindedly respond to an annoying child next to them on the sofa.
I learned my lesson. Last kibble I ever gave her.
Moral of the story: it never pays to try to frost those turds with positive sentiments, even if superficial and ordinarily appropriate. Hold your nose and just step over them.
Mr. CL… I learned that same lesson.
I’m the full-time parent. Uncle Dad takes our son for dinner one night a week and then every other weekend (where the pick-up/drop-up seems to get shorter and shorter).
I’m the one cooking, cleaning, working full-time, teaching our son personal hygiene; how to dance with girls; doing homework; chasing down doctor appointments; finding summer camps. You get it.
In the beginning, as our son was continuing to do so well in school and with friends and excelling in sports and activities in spite of the abandonment and the OW and her kids, I said something similar and expected him to acknowledge that it was really all that I was doing (I know that sounds narcissistic, but it is just a tired Mom who gives her all 24/7 looking for a kibble!)… and all I got was “YUP”
Moral of the story: don’t go to a dry well for a drink of water.
Oh mine is the opposite. I get told by my ex that I’m a good mum all the time. I ignore it or I grunt. Because I don’t need his validation, his opinion of my parenting means nothing at all.
His parenting on the other hand deserves about a 3/10 so how would this idiot even recognise a good parent anyway
Oh, mine does this all the time. It’s not touching or poignant, it’s sad sausage all the way. When I bought my first house (a few years after divorce since he wasn’t sucking away my money anymore) he said “You deserve a nice house”. All I said was “Yup, I do”. If he feels the need to acknowledge my greatness, I’ll agree. But he hopefully has stopped expecting anything from me, because I can’t be bothered.
Just for funsies, last month he had to sign the first check for child support with my married name on it. He misspelled the last name, the one my SO has had for the entire 6+ years we’ve been together. We had a great laugh at that, he probably thought I’d have to talk to him again to get him to fix it. Nope. I fixed it and deposited that sucker because no kibble for you!
Meh is such a wonderful place.
Mine is also all accolades about my mothering. Has said several times that the kids couldn’t have a better role model. That I go beyond to take care of them (not sure if that is a backhanded compliment). Says that he couldn’t ask for a better mother for the kids.
So, let me get this straight. I possess all the qualities of a great role model. I am caring for the needs of others. I am responsible and thoughtful. But, not good enough to be your wife? Some OW is better suited to you?
Well, thanks. I’m basically the cow that birthed your children, milked them and now finish raising them beautifully. Isn’t it ironic that the OW does not have custody of her three children? But, hey, “She’s just a good person who’s made some mistakes in her life…”
Yeah, same. I got the, “You’re just too judgmental. She’s made mistakes, just like all of us have, but people aren’t defined by their mistakes. It’s how they deal with them that counts.” Puh-lease. I have never been married to a felon and I have certainly never dated one married man after another, ditching my kids with whomever so I could travel all over with my married man of the month, until I finally found the one stupid enough to blow up his family for me. Nope, not “everyone has” made those mistakes. Ever.
Wow me too! I am an incredible mother, business partner, amazing, brilliant, trustworthy beautiful ethical etc but you don’t want me to be your wife? Maybe it’s because birds of a feather flock together…explains the Craigslist hooker/soulmate….I better start accepting his rejection as a compliment…..
They are just giving you compliments so you will keep doing all the work.
Of course they don’t think you’re wonderful or brilliant or better than their AP. If they thought you were a prize- they would not have cheated on you.
Because they respond to kibble, they are manipulating you with fake accolades so you will keep making their life easy. Hard work is for the little people.
“Uncle Dad” …that’s hilarious
It really is hilarious and sums things up very well. It’s now part of my CN-acquired repertoire of terms, snarks and definitions. Uncle Dad…
I love it. I say that my ex “gay uncles” instead of parents – he wants to take them out for an afternoon of fair rides, balloons, ice cream and glittery arts and crafts projects, and then drop them back home so I get to deal with the sugar crash, nausea and sunburn after the fact…
(No offense to actual gay uncles who may in fact look past the sparkly fun afternoon of accessorizing with children!)
I call mine Uncle Daddy. What a coincidence.
Thanks for the reminder–I remember telling my ex-boyfriend, who I hadn’t seen in over a week, that I missed him, which I thought was a positive gesture, before his first discard of me. He told me, ‘It hasn’t been that long.’ I told him that his response felt invalidating and hurtful.’ If he couldn’t say, ‘I miss you, too,’ or at least ‘Thank you,’ why couldn’t he just keep his mouth shut or better yet break up with me? Several weeks later, I said the same thing to him, and he responded the same way! And this is coming from a guy who has the memory of an elephant. I should have permanently left him then, if not a lot sooner. He was frequently willing to show me his contempt for me in overt or covert ways. What a fool I was to let him routinely mistreat me in a variety of ways.
Hehehe, nice one, Mr ChumpLady!! “It never pays to frost those turds…” ????????????
My stbx’s sister gave him a frosted plastic dog turd Christmas ornament one year for a joke. I hated it. Guess she was prescient.
Can you post a photo of that frosted dog turd ornament?
Good Idea! It coukd make a nice birthday card for sparkledick if it weren’t for NC and zero kibbles
Sorry, no. Last Christmas, I knew I wouldn’t be spending another with him, so I packed up our ornaments in separate boxes and left his with him when I moved out. Just think, circular, all piled up, with a pointed tip, and all covered in silver glitter. It came wrapped in cellophane and tied with a red ribbon. If you google “turd christmas ornament,” and search images, it looked a lot like the very first one.
OMG – that would be the ultimate prize in a gag gift exchange!
Or…offer it to ChumpLady as a prize to be given to the author of the wittiest post of the year.
They make that?
“Hold your nose and just step over them.”
Dear Mr. Chumplady,
Your child is amazing because of you and her resilience to adversity. Your cheater is the adversity. Anything else is purely spackle.
Now I feel totally vindicated seeing you on here Mr. CL. Very few men commenters. We need more not afraid to tell it and I know they’re out there.
I posted in another forum last year before finding CN seeking advice on what to do if I saw my x with her camperboy at a local venue featuring a band I loved. Truth was I was scared how I would react. I thought it best to take a possee with me, moreso for me than anyone else. I have no Fucking Idea why I was afraid of a confrontation.
On one of her, “mail collection, UN-announced, drive-by manipulation/hurt visits”- she gloated over her new status and truwuv in her new floral dress and boots. I sat watching the acting out of a 12 year old, spoiled girl…My early days of 180. (After making every mistake possible no less)
She made the comment after I let her know I was planning on attending this event, “WE might just see You there!” A challenge.
Now in reality I was freaked she’d show up to make it a public spectacle. All our kids are grown. I’d had movies playing of Handcuffs, Orange jumpsuits or an ambulance ride for someone. I went with Tracy’s words ringing in my ears, “Find Your Badass”. I’d been told, “Go and Live Your Life. Don’t change your plans. Do YOU.
I didn’t realize at the time (and hindsight) that IRL to show up in public would risk the destruction of the Operating Narrative put in place by the Dragon. I hadn’t fully comprehended that serial cheaters protect their APs. Loyally. Triangulation method one. Array the competing forces against each other. Even if they’re avatars.
Today, I don’t think I’d react at all other than laugh in her face. I feel like I’d walk up, introduce myself, shake the man’s hand and say ThankYou for relieving me of duty. Good Luck with That.
Future. Events. Aren’t. Real.
For me, I’d call that a WIN. The first of Many on my path to Badass MEH. I hold fast to the promise of MEH. It is the last toll across the bridge of humiliation.
OMG! “Serial cheaters protect their Ap’s. Loyally.” That was my stbx. The threats if he thought I would talk to the howorker. I now see that he was terrified of me exposing his constant lies. I have yet to meet her face to face. She wasn’t even born when my stbx and I began dating. Now as the end is near, I think if she is stupid enough to have an affair with a man as old as her dad then she can wipe his sparkly old turds. I’m done with being the marriage police.
Face Everything And Recover!
I messaged the ex something similar, “we’ve done good, well done us” for being decent parents during our first year of co parenting, a few nights later my kid (10) rings me in tears coz she couldn’t find her mum, I raced over just in time to see ex wife exit some guys car! (she only has our kid weekends). Now I just tell myself I’ve done well.
I managed not to run into my ex for 10 months, but inevitably I ran into him and his newest victim at an event. I forgot everything I had rehearsed in preparation for the occasion and just froze in place like a deaf mute. Then when I recovered I just sputtered a great to see you response and hightailed it out of there. My new beau who was nearby at the concession stand and witnessed it all came smiling up to us with our snacks in hand and they exchange introductions because I’m comatose again. Then when the narc leaves asks me “who was that?” Now here’s the funny part that I REALLY want a do over on. My response? I squeaked ” heartbreaker! Heartbreaker! Heartbreaker!” And nearly collapsed in his arms. Yeah. None of that was in the script. I hope there is no next time but if there is hopefully I’ll be ready lol!
Luckily, ex narcopath and I do not have kids together, so the most contact I have is driving by him.
Lately the universe has put him across my path daily for example, I’ll be pulling out of a street and he’s driving up the road and then I’ll end up directly behind him at a stop sign. Or me behind him.
He remains delusional in that he thinks I will still be friends with him. I ignore him look away while he waves like a fan girl or gapes at me in the mirror. His waving is so ridiculous that it would be comical if I didn’t hate him so much.
Most of the time I ignore him and turn my head away. Eye contact with that sort of evil makes me sick.
I know this is not very meh, but I particularly love this strategy because being ignored drives him nuts. After him using all my weaknesses against me this is the one of his that hurts him the most and gives me a bit of satisfaction for about 5 seconds. And then I drive away and forget about him.
I could have written this comment for it used to happen to me daily. I kept wondering why he was continually being placed on my path. One day I actually screamed out to the cosmos ~ WHY!!!!
I suddenly began to write this, which I share with you. I think the cosmos answered my scream …
On 9/17/16 ~ I cried out to the cosmos – why are you constantly putting him on my path?
The answer I got was – Dear one, it isn’t. The cosmos as you call us is putting YOU on his path. HE is the one who has made all the bad choices. But bad or good, the choices are his to make. HE knows what he should do but as the Tarot continually says ~ he is a currently a force that cannot be diverted from his path, even if the path is not the correct one. He must choose ~ right or wrong ~ he is not above this, life is about changes and growth ~ he has not faced that and has hidden with alcohol abuse, addiction abuse ~ and even psychological abuse of those around him.
By putting YOU on his path the cosmos is presenting further choices that are his to make. A reminder of what is good and what has sustained him in the past is all that is being done. The choices he currently makes are selfish and egotistical choices. He says he is trying to find God but his actions show different. God can only present choices and hopefully he will see these choices and act accordingly. Until he does there is nothing like the Tarot says that can divert him from his destructive path.
The cosmos would also like to remind you that his current bad choices are nothing new ~ they are only supplemental bad choices adding to the life he has lead for several if not many years. He is lost and may not be found. He may choose to remain in the life he has chosen and several years down the road realize the path he has been on ~ or choose to die on that path. It is his choice ~ just as it has been your choice to put other’s needs ahead of your own.
Do not be afraid of the future. All will be okay. The pain you are feeling now will subside ~ new choices will be presented to you at the proper time. We thank you for the love you have shown for him and the support given to him over the years. It was decided that enough was enough. He would continue to take and you would continue to give. He must be free to make his own choices and to either grow to be the person he should be or to forever remain in his ‘lostness’.
When I read what I had wrote, I was stunned. A friend told me it looked like ‘Godwriting’ so I researched that for a bit and just went on with my life. Strange, huh?
Beautiful. Thanks so much for sharing. I feel like it spoke to me, as well, dear Jodi Lynch. Precious. Thanks again.
Hi Jodi. This helped me!
I’m deeply religious and (long story) gave up the love of my life when I was 25 because he was not of my faith. I married within my faith my stbx who ended up being emotionally abusive and who cheated on me for 10 years with 2 mistresses. I’ve spent years asking God to explain please…
Your post helps me reframe it. Thank you.
Cloud, I was speaking about my story to a co-worker and we were talking about how faith is a gift and how I didn’t really get how God would give this gift to me and not others (namely my ex). She pointed out that it is given to everyone, just not everyone accepts it. She said faith was there for my ex to receive through me for 17yrs and he chose not to. Your right about reframing!
I love this. ❤️
Thanks Jodi. I have recently realized that God did answer my prayers. Delivered me from the hell of narco boy. It was not the answer that I thought I wanted. It was the answer that I needed.
Damn Jodi. That was beautiful. Thanks.
Thank you Jodi!
“We thank you for the love you have shown for him and the support given to him over the years. It was decided that enough was enough.”
Something changed inside of me when my mother died. As much as I loved her she lost herself in the never ending cycle of abuse. Broken months later, I knew I could no longer follow his path. I was told it would kill me. Things fell into place with a great therapist within weeks and then in my desperate search for answers I found this nation.
Jodi that was beautiful!
nicely done! what a great connection you have with the universal spirit or whatever you call the higher power. we have just learned that a grandchild is on the way. i broke CN rule and reached out to him to exchange celebratory exclamations of joy. then i cried that we couldnt be together for this experience. then i remembered that he cared so little about the family he threw us under the bus without a thought. what an emotional roller coaster. i want meh but still at pissed off and sadness. it is a process..good grief!
Jodi, I also had a similar epiphany when questioning why ex narcopath was increasingly crossing my path in the past few weeks.
One, this is my one year anniversary of being free from him. I have been doing a lot of comparing in my head, of how I was feeling and acting one year ago vs. Now. I have found my peace that I desperately prayed for and am in a much better place emotionally.
Two, I also think that seeing him is not about me anymore and its about HIM seeing ME. I know that he regrets I am no longer his kibble dispenser. Sure, he has a new supply, but I was good and I know this because after every new supply breakup, he tries to come back. Except this time, I am extreme no contact.
I came across this months ago and posted it on my FB page:
“As Christians, we want to believe that God brings things TO us. But, we must also accept God’s love in removing things or taking things FROM us that are causing harm.”
What we something wish for isn’t always what we actually need. And, sometimes, losing something may be the best thing ever.
Option No More,
I am agnostic, but I appreciate you reminding us that losing something may be the best thing ever–like not getting a ticket on the Titanic. I am going to tell myself that last partner. post-separation boyfriend/’friend’ of 30 years discarding me for his work subordinate may have been a blessing, even if I never again have an intimate partner. I’ll never know for sure, but I won’t rule out the tiny possibility that I might be better off without him, a controlling, disrespectful liar in sheep’s (Mr. Nice Guy) clothing.
I heard somewhere that when things aren’t going the way you want, you are being protected. I can say that is the truth looking back and I am trusting that it is so now….
RSW what happened to you becoming a Buddhist nun? Agnostic?
In 1988 I was cheated on by a live-in boyfriend. In the ensuing years, I have ended up being seated at tables next to him in various restaurants around the county no less than 6 times. The first time was immediately after he moved out (he had assaulted me and broke my foot; I was on crutches and when I realized he and the OW were at the next table, I packed my food and left). With each encounter, I noticed feeling more and more neutral, until the last encounter 8 years ago when I realized I felt 200% neutral and totally unruffled. The encounter also revealed that he was evidently feeling guilt or some kind of ick, which I did not at all. That experience is helping me now to realize that I will reach the land of Meh with my little girl and without my husband, in my soon to be restored beloved car. Someone told me long ago that “why” is not a spiritual question….I never ask why but try to stay alert for the gifts and lessons inherent in the circumstances…..
@JodyLynch, this is amazing and exactly right. It’s so helpful to get an amazing jolt in perspective. THEY are the assholes. We’re THEIR penance.
The last time I saw x (I’ve only seen him about four times in almost 3 years since D-day) we were perpendicular to one another at a four-way stop.
The 57-year-old pedophile who advertised himself as “28” on his Craigslist ads had become very appearance conscious in the last few years. Especially with manscaping and his hair. He was super vain about it in an utter 180 degree pivot from the man I married. Anyway, when I saw him at the stop sign, his dyed-dark-brown color and cut looked exactly like the Lego hair piece you can stick on a square-headed Lego man. Hahahaha. I’m sure the tween Filipina prostitutes he favors are fooled.
We see each other several times a week. 99% of the time, his newest gf and their infant are there too.
We share several small children from our marriage and he comes to most sports, drop off, pick up, extra events like school functions. Glad he does for their sake.
The thing is, there is a learning curve. I’ve gotten to the point where my opinionated self has learned to stay mostly quiet around him.
At first it felt like torture to have an OW hanging around constantly. Now I feel some sadness for her that she is stuck with him. I’m very neutral on the whole thing now. Maybe that’s my “meh.”
Dear SeeyaPeterPan-I think the best, most blessed, most peaceful, miraculous place to be is at neutral. It would be my “meh”, if it ever happens. It is the one thing I want now-just to feel nothing about him anymore. Congratulations, I think you’re there.
After almost eight years I can usually muster up enough indifference to treat him like an unpopular distant relative that nobody wants to sit next to.
Which is pretty much what he is.
Yes! This exactly!
My first encounter post break up with The Turd occurred quite unexpectedly almost two years after I began NC. I was headed to a concert for an obscure band that I’ve loved forever. I parked my car and headed to the venue, prepared to take my place in the line waiting to get in. As I was walking toward the end of the line who do I see at the very end – right in front of where I’ll be standing – but The Turd himself. Alone.
I sneered at him, and he sneered back. Then I took my place immediately behind him in line. I kept my composure. I never acknowledged his existence for the hour we stood out there. I could only see him from the back, but to watch his posture slowly wilt like a dying flower as I pleasantly chatted up other concertgoers in the line was glorious. So glorious that I took a picture of it to laugh at later. It looks like he’s trying to merge with the wall he’s leaning on. I still go back and look at that picture every so often when I want to laugh.
Despite my cool and collected outward appearance (I would never give him the satisfaction of falling apart – we may be chumps but dammit we’re stubborn), I was freaking out inside and on my phone, where I immediately starting sending all caps texts to my bestie.
In true BFF fashion, she called another friend, circled the wagons and came down there. Not to go to the concert. Not to confront The Turd. Merely to be my cheering section while I tried to be mighty in that line. We laughed, joked and had a great time. Then the line began to move. I went in and they went home.
Inside, The Turd stood three people over from me near the stage. I had the good fortune of being surrounded by fun people – including lots of guys that I flirted with for his benefit – and we chatted each other up, talked, laughed and sang together and generally had a fantastic time. I’m still friends with some of those folks. He stood there like a statue all night, even during the show, not smiling, not singing, not dancing, not even moving. What a drip.
The most surprising part of the whole thing is that a year earlier, while I was being unknowingly discarded, I bought tickets to this band’s show for us, and he blew me off the night before. Later, when I figured out I’d been chumped, I figured he’d been pretending to like the band for my benefit all along.
I’m still not sure if he showed up because he liked them or because he knew I’d be there, but I’m pretty sure he didn’t expect the (non)reaction he got.
I love your friends!
A tangential version of a small triumph:
A few years ago my ex-in-laws were in town when my EX did not have custody, and at their request I took the kids to the local hotel where they were staying and dropped them off for a meal with their grandparents. I was polite and bland and brief in my interaction with them. My ex-father-in-law did all the talking for himself and his wife–he was similarly civil and distant.
When I returned to pick the kids up, my ex-father-in-law asked if I would take a picture of the group together on his camera in the hotel lobby. I agreed. But, my ex-mother-in-law was furious, she didn’t want to pose for me; she was mad that I was there. She called me names under her breath. I just kept on not engaging–talking with my kids and admiring the “art” on the walls. Her husband pointed out that the photo was for them. The photo would be on his camera. It was not going to include me, etc. She was 80-years-old at the time. Due to their son’s unwillingness to make much time for them when he had custody, they were lucky to see the kids once a year. And this was how she chose to close out their dinner together.
She finally agreed to stand in the photo. She closed her eyes and scrunched up her face. I took a few shots and said, “I don’t think everyone’s eyes are open in any of these.” My ex-father-in-law just thanked me for trying and took his camera back. The kids and I left.
After my divorce, it became clearer and clearer where my EX developed his entitled, angry attitudes. I almost felt sorry for my ex-father-in-law with his jackass son and wretched wife.
Yuk. What a piece of work! However, your father-in-law should have set her ass straight, apparently a long time ago as his relationship with his grandkids will suffer. He should leave her home the next time he wants to visit the grandchildren.
I was a loyal, devoted daughter-in-law for 25 years. I never missed an invitation, had my in-laws over for meals, brought nice gifts for every occasion, brought good food to every potluck, washed dishes, made pleasant conversation, never had a hard word with any of them. After DDay and X’s decision to abandon me and our 4 kids, they never spoke to me or their 4 grandkids again (the youngest is 10 years old). My SILs never invited my kids to any of the cousins’ birthdays, etc., ever again. They are the most judgmental, clannish Norwegians ever but yet they permitted X to bring young (15 years younger) golddigging (Italian) whore to their family functions before we were even divorcing. Makes me sick.
I didn’t blame them for X’s choices, and I would have been happy to bring my kids to see them. The one time my son (then 19) called his grandpa on Father’s Day crying about the pain of what X did in abandoning him and the family his grandpa said: “X was desperately unhappy and his happiness matters most.” Fucker! My son said he will NEVER see any of them again. I hope grandpa regrets his choices every day for the rest of his life.
MC 99, you could be writing my story. Its unbelievable isn’t it? My ex mil said “he deserves to be happy” as well. Never mind the hell he put his kids and me through. They too invited the gf to a family dinner. I was part of the family for 20 years but they haven’t spoken to me since ex walked out. We arent even divorced yet! My mil asked one of my daughters how she liked having someone new in her life. She said, shes not exactly new, shes been there since before dad left. But since you ask, I hate her. Mil said “oh ok”, and changed the subject. Deep as apuddle!
I love your daughter’s honesty. Strong girl. I wonder if the MIL drank the Kool-aid or knows of the affair and just doesn’t care. Narcs often don’t fall far from the tree.
Maybe next time you will have to tell them, “sorry we have plans”. I can’t imagine your kids would enjoy spending time with your ex MIL.
What a cunt.
You have remarkable patience!
This is incredibly childish. But I wish you could’ve Photoshop her face out of the pictures. And then shown them to the family and exclaimed: it’s the darndest thing! she just doesn’t show up – like Bram Stoker’s Dracula.
It’s been almost 5 years and I guess since we’re separated by about 50 miles, that’s enough to keep me from ever seeing him. I can’t say that I’m sad. I did see the OWife in a random airport out of state. That was unnerving for a minute or so. Haven’t had the pleasure of running into them together yet but since the ex and I have two adult children, it’s bound to happen some day. Meh, like verity297 said, I will treat him/her like unpopular distant relatives that nobody wants to sit next to.
You ran into the OW at an airport somewhere else? Wow! What are the odds of that?
My daughter and I has the misfortune of running into Dr. Dumbass at the airport in a different state just 2 weeks after I found out about mistress and he moved out. We both just said “hi” and moved on. He looked like a sad sausage and texted to say he’s sorry if it was awkward for us. Ya think? Moron.
He was coming back from a religion conference which was his whore’s next hook-up place. He swore she didn’t come. I’ll believe that never.
My daughter and I were headed to Thanksgiving without him.
Right? I thought the same thing traveling the World. Someone told me to play the lottery that night because clearly the odds gods were working with me (sort of). I never did though.
same. it is been 4 and half years since our divorce. he moved to a town 90 miles away. i never see him or his troll. .. . although we have 2 boys, he has chosen to be an absent father. we have not seen him since January 2017 until last month. apparently he broke up with his thing and so he called me. i foolishly drove that 90 miles so my boys could see their dad. we actually had a good visit. and he and i were talking for the first time since our divorce. .. . it only lasted 2 weeks since he got back with the demon troll and has ghosted us again. .. . however, i was polite and nice but tried not to be overly friendly. i also tried to keep space between us. only talking about the children and did not get roped in when he started complaining about his then ex girlfriend or how much his life sucked. ..
i doubt that he will share in our childrens lives. one boy is a junior this year, i honestly do not see wasband going to his graduation. and by the time my 12 year and 16 year old get married he will be long gone and we most likely will not even know where he lives. however, it might happen. i will probably treat him the same way i did this time. i dont know any other way to be but i am good at keeping the crazy away from my life. i wish i could ignore him completely but i am just not built that way. even after he allowed his demon troll to harass me. ..
fortunately it is not something i have to worry about since she keeps him away from me and away from our boys. i believe he will regret it one of these days when the boys are older and dont want anything to do with him.. . .. but that is neither my problem or my worry. i have the kids in my life every single day. i have peace and happiness. .. life is good for me
My storytelling tales (with KK in attendance, with RPD in attendance, with RPD’s ex in attendance, blah blah blah) are well documented in the General Forums.
Less well known are the more frequent, less spectacular instances when we are in the same space — E the Elder’s gymnastics meets, M the Younger’s drama performances — where she either puts on some type of “show” (walking by my seat, holding hands with RPD) or forces some type of interaction that includes her regrets that I’m “not more of a mature person, for the sake of your daughters.”
Last year I had to meet her at the post office so she could submit new passport applications for the girls. Always so prideful of her organizational skills, it was great fun watching her argue with the post office clerk when it was determined that she’d done a ton of pre-work on the wrong forms. It was also determined that she needed additional copies of birth certificate copies, which I had at our marital home. As I explained to her exasperated face why I couldn’t go retrieve them that very second like she insisted I should, and that I would get them to her within a few days, I was focused like a laser on her latest adornment: a nose stud.
I broke out in semi-stifled giggles of relief as I considered how lucky I was that I was not still married to this 45-year old wannabe teenager, devolving into the ‘cool kid’ she always secretly wanted to be but never was.
(Postscript: last night E the Elder mentioned that “Mom says this all the time: ‘I’m the cool mom in your friend group, right?’ And I’m, like: ‘No…’,”)
“I’m not like a regular mom; I’m a cool mom.”
Postscript: last night E the Elder mentioned that “Mom says this all the time: ‘I’m the cool mom in your friend group, right?’ And I’m, like: ‘No…’,”)
Hahahahaha! That must kill her every time!
“If you have to say you is, you ain’t.” Something about cheaters and needing to be perceived as something noble while behaving like a knob. It’s the easy way out: I want to be cool and good and respected, but it’s soooooo much work and soooooo hard to go against type, so I’ll just say that I am and hope it sticks to the wall – then do whatever the fuck I want, still proclaiming.
Since I’ve managed to not see anyone (thank you geography and my scorched earth approach), I have the reputation of being the total bitter bitch who can’t get over herself enough to sit for family portraits or hug in public. Because I can avoid all uncomfortable contact with people who never liked me to begin with, I’m the sore victim. It’s so nauseating.
Bitter bitch? Nope … Smart Cookie!
“I’m the cool mom, right?” LOL – reminds me of an ex-boyfriend from HS, who is actually my oldest son’s biological father. He was a pretty good looking guy – and he knew it. When I would introduce him to people he would later ask me what those people said about him. After awhile I realized what he was expecting to hear (how great looking he was.) I would just respond with “Oh, they thought you seemed like a nice guy.” I think he was disappointed with THAT comment. He ended up to be a complete loser too.
Cool moms don’t cheat.
I haven’t seen or heard from him since the day I dumped him 2 and a half years ago. Maybe he moved far away.
The singular reason I occasionally search for my ex is to be sure I know it if he ever moves back here.
Love it so much that he is gone!
Ha! Your indifference is truly mighty.
I avoid my ex at all costs. It is tough, being we live in a very small town and both work in the same small town.
My ex not only was a cheater and was abusive and continuing the abuse through the older teenager children.
I am not sure if I will every get completely to “Meh” because of the abuse. If avoiding him and his flying monkeys make me deal with it better, then so be it.
My ex is abusing me by proxy, too.
Total no contact for two years since august 2016 isn’t enough.
Our daughter’s graduation in October is going to be a torture for me. His family especially his sister are his best allies. He cheated, yet he gets support. He’s smearing me and telling lies to deny or minimize what he did. I’m telling the truth, I can show evidence. I have to prove it and everybody’s telling me what I did wrong…the sexless marriage, me being suspicious, cold and controlling. He can just deny everything. My Switzerland family will come up with some new advice that will make me feel inadequate and guilty for him being a serial cheater. His sister with no evidence of cheating slapped her husband on Christmas Day in front of a room full of guests. According to her point of view instead I was supposed to keep his brother, the sick serial cheater, despite the proof of massive fraud, hundreds of thousands of euros.
I count on karma timing, in October one of the many jealous angry husbands will find out and send him to the ER. Just in time for him not to come to graduation day with a broken nose.
It’s the only solution I can find. I’m already upset thinking of how that day he or his family will hurt me in one way or another. Fingers crossed.
Merry Chump, Graduation day for your daughter should be a time of celebration for you as the person who brought your lovely daughter into the world, and raised her up, giving her the tools and support to achieve all that she has so far. Take along a good thick & thin buddy who will support you on that day, run interference on the fuckwit inlaws and encourage you to enjoy it for what it is, a celebration of your daughter’s achievement. Ex’s sister sounds like a drama queen who likes the spotlight and needs to be grey rocked as much as possible, she probably gets off on seeing your upset. You have nothing to be ashamed of, your exes behaviour is unacceptable, and you imposed consequences, not just for your sake, but for your child’s. I am sure if you spoke to your daughter and she is sympathetic she could spend time with Dad’s side of the family for part of the day, and you and her could have a more meaningful, private celebration separately. I am sure your daughter is aware of the sacrifices that you have made for her, and that bond is worth more than any stupid shit that the family attempts to throw your way. Good luck, I hope you find a solution that works and you can enjoy the day.
Oh, and I am sure if anyone tries to bring up anything on the day, you or your friend are quite within your rights to point out that that kind of conversation is for another situation and let’s keep the focus on DD’s day. If anyone is offended by that kind of asanine comment, then they are looking for offence, and more than likely to cause a scene. Then one or the other of you is quite within your rights to say, I’m not listening to this today, and walk away. The sister might take the opportunity of having you in proximity to be a bitch, but you don’t have to engage.
Ex left us to move with 22 y.o. from work. A few months later our daughter had a performance at school. He brought his girlfriend. I just acted like nothing. My daughter’s friend’s mom was asking, “Who is that?” Oh, that’s my husband’s girlfriend….. Lol The next time they came to performance and in-laws came. The in laws sat with me. At our daughter’s graduation from middle school, in-laws sat with me. Ex was so mad. MIL said sorry my son’s an asshole.
MIL also said that that girl has no idea what she’s gotten herself into. She doesn’t know his past or what he’s about.
Nope. And he’s all hers. I am enjoying a clean bath tube free of nasty soap scum. My bed sheets and the drawers under bed are no longer covered in his body dandruff flakes. No bed sheets with his greasy body stain on his side. Everything is cleaner!
We are divorced now. He was so shocked being served at work. He wanted to keep things the same. Me living here. Him living with gf and us sharing in all of our insurance discounts. My name on his new truck. Nope. I was immediately separating all that, I didn’t care if I did have to pay more without him. He raged that his new truck payment would go up with my name off – cussed me out. Whatever. Off.
The last time our daughter and I saw him was 8 months ago when he dropped her off to me in at 2 a.m. from their camping trip. Because she told him she didn’t like what he did to us. She’s my strong girl.
“The last time our daughter and I saw him was 8 months ago when he dropped her off to me in at 2 a.m. from their camping trip. Because she told him she didn’t like what he did to us. She’s my strong girl.”
She had a good example to follow. Yours!
Seems when the kids no longer give kibble, the narc leaves.
Exactly. She’s not buying his BS so he’s out. She told me that she broke down today and looked at the girlfriend’s IG and saw pictures of her dad, gf and their one y.o. baby ‘all happy.’ She said he’s happy without her – and she’s hurting. And it breaks my heart.
How can I tell her that he’s not really happy? How can I tell her he’ll do the same to them if given the opportunity? I told her looks can be deceiving. But she sees what she sees.
It really gets to me the suffering the childen go through.
When a parent betrays the spouse, they also betray their children.
Realising your cant control someone, or expect them to have the same standards as you. When your ex tries to belittle you or insult, their trying to gain some control over you. They have f….. up their lives, you dont have to f… up your own life.
When our son was admitted to his umpteenth detox, X and I accidentally met while walking to the facility from our cars in the parking lot. My stomach dropped, but I he saw me, so I continued to walk to the entrance and met him at the door.
As I reached for the door, he made a point to rush to get it first, like a schoolboy who wanted to be first in line. He actually started to go in ahead of me, but when we both noticed a man inside watching us, X made a cartoon-ish gesture for me to enter first. And I said thank you. The niceties stopped there; we moved to the admitting desk without speaking.
I was bringing our son’s medical history, some clean clothes, his medication I had just bought from the pharmacy, and a $600 copay that X refused (against our divorce agreement) to help me pay. Have I mentioned he’s a trust fund baby sitting on millions?
X brought him a bible that looked pinched from a hotel. As I asked to speak to my son’s case manager, X bolted like the place was on fire, probably to get home to the skank he fucked while married to me. Maybe they had to get to mass.
Maybe to avoid accountability.
Oh, absolutely to avoid accountability. And to avoid seeing you carry on perfectly fine without him. AND being reminded, by your very presence, that he IS, in fact, and asshat.
Yep, I run into him all of the time in Smaltimore. Ijust laugh and shake my head, he’s the same awkward guy he always was, hasn’t changed a bit. Just a reminder that Chumps tend to settle for less than they deserve at the outset.
We still have school-aged kids, so I have to deal with mine multiple times per week. Sure I did the pick-me dance after d-day, but ever since the day I finally filed for divorce, I must say I’ve done really well with just limiting my conversations with her to just kids’ stuff. I hate having to deal with her, so I keep the conversations as short and productive as I can.
I genuinely couldn’t care less about her life or anything else she does (so long as it doesn’t impact the kids, which so far it hasn’t) — and I couldn’t begin to tell you the amount of stress that I’ve been relieved from by simply not giving a shit about her any more. Life’s so much better at Meh, and you can still get there even if you have to deal with your fuckwit more often than you’d like.
I love this second paragraph. Meh is out there, fellow chumps!
Same here, I see ex nearly every day, and I’m getting to meh about it, no APs to deal with, yet… though she can’t seem to keep anyone longer than a night or 2 (ha!). Though the few days that I don’t have to see her such bliss, feels like a reward or gift! (I got good advice here once, “you would take a bullet for your kid won’t you? So take those bullets!”.
Still being in the throes of divorce, trial, mediations and court ordered ‘parenting coordination counselling’ with the abusive, cheating ex makes it super hard to be meh. When in court mediation and sitting across the table from one another, i refuse to look at him. Eyes on the lawyer only. Or my phone. I have caught him through my peripheral vision rolling up his t-shirt sleeve to show his bicep off. LMAO. He used to do this when we were married an attractive woman was around. What a superficial loser. I look forward to not having to see him, but – yes – 12 more years of parenting, unless he finds new prey.
At mediation, I held my ground psychologically. I stared at him the whole time. I made careful notes of every single gesture, shift in position, or change in voice tone, meticulously noting the topic or statement being discussed at the time.
These ‘tells’ were invaluable to me in negotiating my settlement.
I remember joking with my ex that I could tell when he was lying because he’d look away right before he lied.
NEVER TELL THEM THEIR TELLS!!
He got really good at looking at me, right in my eyes, when he told his lies, though he’d still get tense in his shoulders. I got in a habit of looking away from him when he spoke, so I could hear what he was saying and judge for myself rather than be influenced by the crocodile tears and mock sincerity in his voice.
My STBXH doesn’t yet know that I discovered the email account he created two weeks after begging me to come home and work on this marriage back in October after carrying on his affair for almost a year (and I was doing the pick me dance trying to save the marriage). He left after Christmas, after not trying very hard to make amends. The emails he sent her are a vomitous collection of shameless love-bombing and ended up detailing their entire relationship up to that point, which was far more than I was told by him.
Now I’ll challenge him about facts of the affair that I know to be true, and he continues to outright lie (even lied sitting in church when our kids were in their communion prep meeting). The other night, I even said to him that I’m starting to think that he really believes his lies and thinks he’s telling the truth because his head is that messed up. I’ll tell him that I can see on his face that he’s lying. He still holds on to his lies with dear life. This week was us arguing about the date of legal separation for divorce proceedings. He wants end of year as that is when he physically left us. I want Oct. 31st (as I have his emails to her around this time of him professing his love to her and asking her to wait while he gets things ready to leave home for good). Of course, he’s so confused about why I want that date. I tell him that looking back it’s clear to me that was preparing to leave the marriage and home for good. He denies and says to me that even until the final moments of leaving, he had doubts that he was doing the right thing. Well, I’ve got an entire binder of lovebomb emails from Oct.-Dec. that says otherwise, so either he’s lying to me or he was lying to her (really he was lying to both of us in his sick triangulation).
That is what seeing him during kid pick-up and drop-off is like. Ugh! I’ve been pretty much grey rock since the new year, but now we’re having more conversations hammering out a legal separation deal as amicably as possible in order to keep lawyer costs down. Rather eat shards of glass. I swear as soon as he signs his name on the line of that agreement, I am going to reveal those emails to him and let him know that his family and some of his friends have had the opportunity to read some of them, and everyone has known he’s been lying this entire time. Let the spackle of image management come tumbling down.
Maybe not 12 years….things happen. Break this down into one day at a time mentally. That helps me a lot. Just For Today is keeping me sane. Often it’s Just This Morning….or Just This Afternoon….Just This Evening….
One of our sons got married last year. It would mean sitting by her at the family table along with my parents, my ex’s parents and the bride’s parents. This is a woman who called me and begged me to leave my marriage because it was the best thing for everybody. But my children know nothing of the circumstances and I was determined that they were only going to see my graciousness. So I insisted on sitting by her and asking about her children and grandchildren. All of it was lost on her, because she is too dense to determine if she is being played or if somebody is sincere. Perhaps that’s because she so often mixes the two in her own interactions with people. I felt it went really well and that I had one of life’s biggest hurdles behind me. Until breakfast the next morning, where she loudly told the story of how she was the one who got to go help my new daughter-in-law out of her wedding gown at 2 in the morning, and how she presented the new couples gifts to them with stories about how hard she worked to find them. The icing on the cake was when my own mother thanked my ex-husband for hosting the rehearsal dinner and for his nice toast. That was a toast, by the way, that included no mention of me…the woman who raised children with him for 25 years. My mother, seeming to realize her faux pas, attempted to include me by asking if there was anything I had done to help get ready for the wedding. The entire room went silent. I guess there’s just no way that these types of occasions can ever be pain-free.
I’m sorry the event was so awkward and painful. You deserved better.
Zmichelle, you did a ton to help get ready for the wedding. One huge thing that none of them could or did do that tops anything and everything they did: You gave birth to the groom! See if they can top that next time they get snippy about who did what for the wedding.
This is brilliant, genius, gracious, and I am SO putting this in my archives/arsenal. My daughter is 11 and I may someday get the opportunity to say “I gave birth to the bride”.
LOVE TO YOU!!! My motivation for NOT being a lying cheating scheming manipulator is that I want to use my brain cells for brilliance!
I sorry you had to experience that, one more thing on the list of unfairness 🙁 This is the reason I hope all of mine elope! I think my daughter will never get married after watching what an asshole her dad is.
ZMichelle, I read your post and it made me feel so angry. I know you took the high road and went along for the sake of your Son and his bride. But it makes me livid to think how it is always the chump, that has to suck it up and go along for everyone else’s sake. I have been doing that for 50 odd years and I’ve had enough of it! I have played second fiddle to a narcissistic sister, a first alcoholic husband, a second narcissistic cheateing husband, his demanding mother, my kids inlaws, and always put everyone’s needs first. Afterall, I was always taught to take the high road, be the bigger person. Well, no more! I will not compromise myself ever again for kids, inlaws, family. Just not doing it. I have travelled all over the globe to visit lonely kids, babysit grandkids, put parents in nursing home cause no one else could do it, done all the “motherly/wifey” things we are expected to do. Well if someone including family wants a relationship with me now they will have to do it on my terms. My new motto “Change is good, I’m first”
Your own mother? I am continually amazed at how selfish and clueless people are. I shouldn’t be, but I just want better from humanity. Keep being awesome ZMichelle! I hope at least your son appreciates all you have done to bring him into this world and raise him.
I will be at my son’s wedding in two weeks. Not divorced two years yet and it will be the FIRST time I am in a room with the ex since Divorce Court. This is the son that I am estranged from due to ex’s “parental alienation”. All I know is I am invited and SCHMOOPIE is not. I already have my toast prepared and am planning on holding my head high. Yes, this is the son that I gave birth too and raised because of Uncle Daddy!
What. The ever living fuck. What the fuck.
I am so sorry you had to sit through that bullshit.
Sometimes I think the chump’s parents work a little too hard to prove that they are gracious, and they forget how hurtful and insulting they are being.
Ugh. I’m sorry!
Next time, with a classy smile: “Yes. I raised the groom.”
Is your other son married yet?
I hope not, because second time around will be healing.
When I see him I don’t even look at him or acknowledge him, sometimes I think that might get back at him, but other times I figure he gets to say “see she can’t even look at me she misses me so much, or she can’t look at me because of how terrible she was”. Either way I just don’t look or acknowledge him if I see him in person. He does text and sometimes calls, the kids talk to him everyday so I hear his voice. I am no where near meh but I hope someday I won’t care when I see him and AP. Right now he can’t attend school events or anything I am attending so I don’t have to run into them for those things, I don’t know how I will handle that. I would like to say I will be strong, but I feel like I might fall apart.
Toohurttobemad, I’m the same way, I just can’t really acknowledge his existence. It’s actually changed from a defense mechanism to just how I feel about him, he’s basically a stranger to me. Like a co-worker I don’t care for but who’s long-term on a project I love (my kids, in this analogy). There’s some times recently when he’s at a school function and I, literally, forgot he was there. That must be a step to meh. I’m not weird about it, I never put anyone in an awkward position, I just don’t interact with him, unless absolutely necessary. I used to care “how he saw it”, but slowly came to the realization that I don’t give a damn. It’s gotten easier over the last two years. So much so that I actually enjoyed my son’s 6th birthday party today, which had a bunch of his Kindergarten friends, their parents, his dad’s AP and my hypocrite religious ex-in-laws there. And you know what? I played with my kids, chatted with the parents I liked, and ignored everyone else. It’s super freeing once you’ve discarded all your uneccessary f*cks.
I haven’t seen him in 1 1/2 years, but my best friend and her husband saw him when going to the grocery store. They waited in their car until he was done … She said he doesn’t look good. So if I ever do run into him, I may not recognize him. He’s busy raising her two kids while our kids are adults. Cheers to that.
In the beginning, I had to consciously remind myself whenever I was near him that he is a SOCIOPATH. I would silently say in my head “Ted Bundy, Charles Manson, Mr. Sparkles”… I would run through his actions in my mind while he sat across the room at school functions “online personals looking for Women, Couples, Groups; … using a picture of himself from our wedding day and from our son’s baptism day for his personal ads; how he would leave family vacations early “to work” at home; how he lied and hid money; how he gaslighted me; how he destroyed my son’s childhood”… it took effort to change the trauma-bonding from the love-bombing. PTSD from this shit is real.
BUT in TIME… fucking TIME… it gets better. You start to accept the OW or the new Schmoopie is just the next victim getting lured into the white van to see puppies and eat candy. Don’t waste a minute on envy. GO find your joy. I can assure you… it isn’t in your X.
The White Van.
“Ted Bundy, Charles Manson, Mr. Sparkles…” LMAO (although I know it’s not really funny). Reminding ourselves of the company in which they revealed they belong by the actions they chose to engage in is a great strategy, and I believe I will adopt it, because I still work with my stbx in a small department and as soon as school starts up again I will have to pass by his office daily on the way to mine, and sit with him in department meetings. I’m actually thinking putting the details for these mantras together might provide me with some levity.
TFM… nothing like sitting across a table from them and thinking “likes role play; just wants to feel alive again; group sex with strangers by the airport; picks his ears and toes and flicks whatever comes out on to the carpet”… we had them on pedestals when they really belong six feet under.
BAM, who has not chosen to attend one band concert, chess tournament, piano recital, etc etc etc for 2 years, decided that our son’s induction into NHS might require his presence. Since half of son’s intelligence could potentially come from him? ha ha. My plan was to sit far away from him and just ignore. Didn’t work out that way.
When I arrived, I saw him sitting in the middle of the front row (natch … self appointed VIP don’t you know) and he looked old and miserable. He knew not one parent in the room. Being a narc and going completely unnoticed and ignored … oh the horror. So I decided to improve his situation by rubbing it in.
I went and sat with him. And by the way, I looked fabulous! I interacted with many friends and co-volunteers without ever bothering to introduce him or even acknowledge we were (sort of) there together. I also pointed out to him which kids were Travis’ close friends, their names, and how Travis knew them. Because he had no clue. And when the event was over, Travis was very pleased to see me and we said our goodbyes to BAM and walked off laughing together, while he skulked off alone to his car (with the rubber floor mats) to return to his swinging bachelor life. Looking old and tired and irrelevant. The End.
Dixie, BOOM! Having met you in person, I can totally see this in my mind’s eyes. I put double butter on my popcorn reading this magnificent piece!
lol … my chosen option was slightly more dignified than the alternative, which was to bend the knees to get a really good, solid foundation before giving him a really strong “FAWK (pause for effect) YOOOOUUUU!” as taught to me by the master, NMSB!!!
Instead, I did a fair amount of Marsha Brady hair flips to accentuate the fact that he is most definitely going bald in the back … one of his biggest fears come to life!!! ha ha
Dixie, I need a hall pass on this one. My grandfather and father were drill sgts, I had 6 bothers (2 bio, 4 step) ALL told me take no prisoners! AND, you know what, I never even broke a sweat!
Please allow me to clarify…..to take no prisoners WHILE being attacked!
That said, I won the gold medal for the Hefty Tossing Competition! (And the crowd goes wild!)
Mic drop. That’s all kinds of mighty!
Well, he might have had more sartorial splendor if you hadn’t taken 70% of his assets. Bwahaha!!
(Hence his moniker, BAM–Broke Ass Mountain)
Bwahahaha! I’m totally stealing that nickname.
Just so you know, its been proven that a child’s intelligence comes directly from the mother not the father.
Right!!! I just found this.
‘A category of genes known as “conditioned genes” are thought to work only if they come from the mother in some cases and the father in other cases. Intelligence is believed to be among the conditioned genes that have to come from the mother.
Laboratory studies using genetically modified mice found that those with an extra dose of maternal genes developed bigger heads and brains, but had little bodies. Those with an extra dose of paternal genes had small brains and larger bodies. ‘
Bahahahahah!!! Oh, my goodness, Miss Dixie, you CRACK me up!! OMG you are so hilarious!
Hahaha, you are the SHIT, Dixie!!!! That is awesome!!!
Sixteen years ago, my first marriage of 9 years ended. I met now-exh2 within 6 weeks later and ended up with him for 13 years total.
Back then with exh1, the boys were involved with sports, so along with visitation pickup/dropoffs, I was around exh1 a lot. I had The Evil One with me 99.99999% of the time, as exh1 had OWife#3 with him 99.999999% percent of the time. The rare times I had to be around exh1 alone, I would compare it to Daniel in the Lions’ Den, would pray for protection and most of the time it went fine, though my insides felt like liquid goo.
Time passed, the boys activites weren’t as dominant other than school, I found meh about exh1, got pregnant with DD, the boys were older, life happened, and it got better…
Then, owife#3 threw exh1 out, he was literally suicidal and Karma finally kicked him in the teeth — he finally realized just how much he had decimated me, my life, etc. Even better, as a result of the divorce HIS family told exh1 that they were keeping OWife#3 in their family and essentially disowned their son/brother/uncle/nephew, HA! Double-Karma!!!
Now, with The Evil One, I’ve been around him and Mrs. Dumbass solo, with people, or without. Always at the gas station or public place for DD exchanges, but one time does stick out as an epic fail for my standing as Mayor of MEH-topia:
About 5 months after D-Day, our divorce wasn’t yet finalized, but had been filed, I’m at the grocery store with DD checking out and DD looked out the window and saw TEO’s Shiterado in the parking lot and exclaimed, “Look! Daddy truck!”
My body went cold and numb and I went into flight mode, I looked around panicking about him seeing me and said out loud, “dammit! You’ve got to be shitting me” as I was hurrying to get everything bagged and paid for. I felt like I was going to pass out on the store’s floor.
Just as I was escaping, DD shouts, “daddy! Hi Daddy!”
TEO is right there in my face asking me why I had said what I said. He said he saw me and heard me react…he was attending to DD, so I was scurrying to my car, all the while he’s keeping up with me and DD and all I wanted to do was get away from him and all he wanted to do was act like we were best buds hanging out at the grocery store.
He asked me again why I reacted like that and I finally had to say that I reacted like that because I didn’t want to be around him, ever. He became annoyed and defensive saying I was stalking him, I actually laughed at him for that, which made him more angry and annoyed.
By this time, stuff was loaded in the car, DD was safely strapped in and I tried not to, but damnit I started to cry in front of him, big ugly crying… He asked me why I was crying and I refused to answer just got in my car and tried to leave, but my car had a tick at the time that it wouldn’t start, so I sat there, ugly crying, DD trying to comfort me, and my car won’t start.
TEO came around to my side and offered to help start my car. At that moment, my car decided to start, so I rolled the window up on him and got the hell out if there ugly crying and all.
Not my best moment, but I recovered and since then when I see him, I’m grey rock like a boss.
Just about every single time I see him, with or without Mrs dumbass, he tries to talk to me, not about DD but himself, I shut that shit down and leave. He never asks me about myself and I’m not going to offer him anything about me either.
They truly don’t understand the depth of the devastation to us. I’ve had those moments on occasion before the divorce. He just got mad because I was crying and it ’embarrassed’ him…omg…..all the humiliating things he did to me and my crying in extreme pain embarrassed him. You were being a soul-crushed woman who was reacting in a perfectly normal way to being around an ass who abused your love, trust, family, safety, ect. I hope in the night for the rest of his life he sees how much pain he put you in and feels like the utter shit he is. Hugs.
It’s so true!!!
They don’t care. They truly suck.
I am still not at Meh, yet. However I have learned not to engage my stbx because everything I say and do will he held against me. Heck, everything I DON’T say or do will be held against me!
I have had to bite my tongue to keep what I really want to say. I had an epic fail when we were dropping off our child at a public parking lot. He set me off and then I verbally called him bad names. Next thing I know, my attorney is getting an email from his attorney stating that I am the one being uncooperative. Apparently I embarrased him when I defended myself and told him that I will never teach our child that adultery is OK. (I stated this VERY loudly and with emphasis!)
So since then, I have gone as NC as possible. I barely speak to him and only communicate through text and email. It’s rough but it hs truly helped my sanity and kept me from makibg a complete ass of myself.
My ex accused me of calling him names because I replied to his request to have a beer and talk about why I am filing against him for full custody, with a “no thanks, I don’t talk things out with people I don’t trust because they already lied and cheated on me previously.” I had taped the encounter so he was forced to admit later that I had not actually called him any bad names, “but the name calling was implied.” Bwahahaha! I can’t help it if his own actions impugn his character.
Not at MEH, but much closer than I used to be.
I’m preparing myself for a setback, should the judge assigned to our 5 days of trial fall for Mr. Charm Covered Shit.
I’ve accepted the world isn’t a fair place, but there’s is still a bit of hopium lingering in the back of my mind that fuckwits can’t just do whatever they want without the justice system doing something. I know The civil system is anything but just, yet I can’t help holding onto the hopium.
I know the things I still need to work on…
– Letting turd sparles (impression management) get under my skin. Hearing “Gee he’s such a great guy” is like someone plunging a knife into my scull!
– The desire to point out his manipulations of the kids to them (I don’t, but boy do I really want to).
He’s the master of Fear, obligation and guilt!
—-He was diagnosed with beneign esophagus polyps and told the kids he was taking anti-cancer medication; really he takes prescription antacid.
—-If you don’t do/say/go to school where I want, I’m not paying for your college. (He’s working hard to get the kids to want to move where he wants to move, so of course is encouraging them to look at colleges in his desired location.
—“Sorry I missed your special event, I’m busy working my ass off to provide for you! Aka, to provide for HIS lifestyle, and make the kids beg for things they NEED (contact solution, tampons, deodorant, etc.) while he spends 20k a year on suits. Yet, never misses an opportunity to post “dad of the year” photos on social media. “He’s such a great guy” PUKE ????.
I have reached MEH in the kibbles department. No more hopium (when he’s being nice) that maybe he’s changed. Actually I’ve learned when he’s nice, I better get ready for whatever bomb is about to drop in my lap. Keeping me off balance no longer works… I trust that he sucks!
-I’ve reached MEH about his girlfriend. She’s nice to the kids and wasn’t one of the hookers who participated in braking up a marriage. She’s as clueless as I was, and that makes her a fellow chump (she just doesn’t know it).
FB works two ways. The kiddos can take photos of what they need (contact solution, tampons, deodorant, etc.) and post it for Daddy-o and ask him to pick it up at the drug store and they’ll get it next time they’re over.
See? Got-a-Brain —
Your situation of hoping that the world is just is exactly why I am not so sad to now know what I know about cheaters (manipulators, deceivers and narcissists), because it is such useful knowledge in helping other chumps!!! We need judges who can see behind the mask. Personally, I think must, if not all, can. You don’t get to be a judge by being a little fool.
I’d like to see a cartoon of James Bond. Smarmy, “handsome”, shifty-eyed, leering. Half-smile (Jekyll is smiling / Hyde is serious). Dressed like John Travolta in Saturday Night Figure, swaggering. Oh! And stink wiggles coming off his body for the Michael Kors $400 cologne. Yah, that about covers his cartoon. Oh! wait one more thing: with a beautiful woman, oogling another.
I was petrified at preschool graduation this year when he texts me last minute that he’s bringing his wife, their new baby, and an ex-mutual friend, while I would be there all alone. Turns out I needn’t have been. The previously doting dad sat in the back, took no pictures, did not shed a single tear. I sat up in the very front, took a gazillion pictures, and my kid only had eyes for me. I dutifully chatted, admired the baby, and picked up on the not-too-subtle hints that all is not well in paradise. I ended up feeling awful for his wife, because I know what it is like to try and fiend off his manipulative attacks while trying to nurse an infant. I left feeling relieved I didn’t have to go home with him. Long live freedom.
Well done Betty!
#2 cheater lives in another country and #3 cheater lives about 3 hours away in a huge city so no, I never see either of them.
I had a #1 as well but he wasn’t a cheater, we just got married too young. He died some years after we were divorced. Creepily enough I saw his gravestone online at this site called billiongraves.com. He had a tiny little stone, and I had no idea who he was married to at the time or anything, only that he lived in Florida (several states away from me)
I think of him as if he’s a stranger because that’s what he became to me: someone I didn’t know.
I’ve been thinking and listening a lot to the song, “Someobody That I Used to Know,” by Goyte. It’s that last thing I want to say to the STBXH when our legal separation is finalized. I want to let him know that I have every intention of him becoming simply “someone that I used to know” in my life.
I have to endure once yearly ‘gonna meet them both at a four day agricultural show.
First year (2016) I didn’t go, couldn’t face it but my son did (approx. a month after he was disowned) and Chuckles also didn’t go. Slaggy-Anne did but kept herself at a discrete distance.
Second year (2017) Everyone was present, I was apprehensive about attending but cross with myself for not going the previous year. But as he was on suspension from the Police under investigation for theft and fraud – they kept their distance from us in the accommodation and we did likewise – although they did sit close to the showring my son was exhibiting in and in key spots near the exit. Luckily one of the days he was injured and spent one afternoon and evening in hospital – Slaggy-Anne reluctantly went with him but was more concerned about who would show their animals. They both had to watch us win two awesome high profile prizes with our animals. I was also pleased that they both looked miserable the entire duration and he did not touch her, even recoiled when she touched him… happy??
Third year (2018) Everyone present. Not even a twinge of worry in the lead up. We were sensible and made sure our animals were at the furthest point they could be from the angry duo. Now sacked from the police he had no restraints on his behaviour and attacked my friend (who I think he thinks I’m sleeping with) physically and verbally and verbally threatened his own son, saying he was going to rip his face off you cunt…. so all nice there. The no touching theme between them was again replayed but I couldn’t have cared what they did. She did trot round behind him just in case another woman rubbed his arm and said I wish I had a man like you…. that’s all it took from her in 2015 at the same show! Although I was pleased he had even more teeth missing so maybe not Meh enough yet
Good points, I did not worry about seeing him, I felt nothing when I did see him, or her for that matter. Their few friends were glaring at any opportunity and I couldn’t have cared less. My friends (20 x more than them) spotted this and started to glare back. I told them not to bother as it just gives them kibbles…. I then explained kibbles to my friends…. no more from my side.
Hopefully his behaviour will earn him a future ban from that show… fingers crossed.
We both work and live in downtown Chicago. But in almost a year and a half we have not bumped into each other. Or atleast i haven’t seen him. The thought has crossed my mind though, seeing him with another girl, I introduce myself and let her know who he really is and then walk away with a smile. Maybe once or twice it has crossed my mind ????
it would not be worth it. she would not believe you anyway and he will just use it as an excuse that you were the crazy one.
You’re prob right ????
Oh and after full NC since Feb 2016 after financial separation Agreement signed, he tries to call me a couple of weeks later… didn’t answer and logged it with the police on my established timeline
The first event we were at together post my knowledge of his fucking strange, was last weekend. We’ve been apart for almost 2 years. He brought the wife appliance and (supposedly) his four month old Honey Boo Boo to our girls’ event. He’s almost 50 with a scraggly beard that he attempted to dye a few weeks back and turned out the same color as a 12 pack a day yellow. He managed to get it to look more brown now, but he needs a beard root job because he’s got about a 1/2 inch of undyed root growth.
The event our girls’ are in, was in Mr. Twatwaffles’ town and the other parents have been amazingly sympathetic. I just kept busy, helping with the event and stayed away from them, and laughed at the random comments from the other parents as they observed him and his train wreck of life choices. One such comment was from a flamboyant man who works as a stylist in the beauty shop I go to. He made the BEST remarks about the beard job that MADE MY DAY.
It helps so much that others can SEE how completely ridiculous he is.
Yes!! It is not just your imagination … he really is a complete Twatwaffle and the whole world can see it!!
Any time I see a dyed beard (or head, sorry, and that’s perhaps a double standard) I immediately know there isn’t a full deck. It’s just creepy red flag.
My only Hannibal sightings are when he drives up to pick up my 17 year old daughter for visitation, and parks half-block down the road rather than pull into the driveway. Last time I watched, he picked her up for a trip to Mexico wearing his white Islands shirt (not tucked in) and all I could think was “Mr. Roarke” from Fantasy Island. He must have suspected I was watching out the window as he put DD’s suitcase in the trunk and scurried back into the car as fast as he could.
This just totally cracks me up! Mr. Important-As-Shit demonstates same by driving a Tesla, yet has balls so small he cannot park in his ex’s driveway for a scant minute.
Mine parks down the block, too, sometimes. They are weird little narcs indeed.
My EX pulled up and parked in the garage of MY house once with his car when he came to pick up our son for the weekend! What an entitled dipshit.
Oooo…what a jerk.
Way to insult Mr. Roarke Tempest!
Scurried like a roach. Mr. Roach. Ew.
Isn’t it a relief that YOU didn’t have to have the stress of being on what is supposed to be a happy vacation with Hannibal. Vacations with these guys are never stress relievers. Great for image, not great in reality.
The last time our lives intersected was years ago at my granddaughters play. I sat with her dad and his girlfriend. I left a few minutes early to avoid them. Driving Dow the road a car traveling st a high speed nearly sideswiped me and ran me off the road. I was shaking and as I approached the red light the car was to my left. Nanthiny was driving and screaming like a lunatic. The limited gave the dead eye stare. I filed a police report.
I’m no contact for life. Not a smile or acknowledgement will ever happen, ever. They aim to maim.
Suddenly, he’s telling my adult daughter that he’d be willing to talk to me. After 41 years of abuse and personal attacks four years after dday i have no interest in spackling evil.
Supposedly, he couldn’t get anywhere with me. I’ve gotten somewhere without him. My life no longer revolves around my past. The present is my freedom. I’m living it.
I’ve avoided Dr. Cheaterpants like the plague. I’m not spoken to him verbally in the 2 years since I kicked him out/he left the house all giddy to pursue his new sparkly life with DD14’s 20-something asst sports coach in our kids’ Catholic high school. Only email for divorce/division or property/custody issues. And occasional texts that ignore if possible and don’t require a reply.
Young teenagedbarbieschmoopie kept a low profile the first year then he started bringing her to our kids’ sporting events at their Catholic school. Parading her around like a prize and not realizing what a spectacle this 50 year old, completely bald headed, nerdy and walks with a limp man looks like with this pencil thin, bleach blonde girl. They had both been fired from coaching and he was no longer on the school board but no matter, all these parents and kids should be happy for those twu wuvs.
I still get a little happiness now remembering my attorney (who has a kid in one of my kid’s class) reflected on both of them and the situation and said ‘it’s always surprising just how attractive that M.D. at the end of one’s name can be’.
I ignore them both. They are still together and just took a sparkly trip to Hawaii with my teenagers.
Doingme: “Supposedly, he couldn’t get anywhere with me. I’ve gotten somewhere without him.”
Fantabulous! I’m copying that and printing it out. It is so true and defines “mighty”!
I am definitely very very far from meh at this point – I just filed in Court after 1.5 year attempt to mediate and stay out of court. Unfortunately, I allowed myself to be cornered by STBX, staunch narcissist whose hate for me has no limits, and the mediator, into 50-50 custody arrangement, which I will be trying to persuade the Judge does not work – very uncertain and steep battle ahead of me.
The mediation was extremely hostile and left me always in such an emotional mess, that to this day, I have panic attacks and flashbacks, and get physically sick in proximity or even in anticipation of proximity of him. So, some encounters are ok, some are failures….it’s still a learning process for me.
Recently, an encounter happened that might seem small and insignificant, but looking back is so petty and ridiculous, and once again helped me realize that this disorder is real and they really suck. But I think I managed it well and after bursting into laugh right in his face, I just spent the rest of the time in the situation with my head high and grey rock face. So I guess, for this one, I claim a little victory with respect to my reaction.
Our two girls (11 and 14) usually spend summers with my family in Europe. Obviously, Mr. Amazing Dad showed up at the airport (which he has the right to do) to say good bye (although was not part of any planning or financing the trip)..As we all absorbed the travel rush and excitement of the airport, both taking pictures of the girls, I got carried away in the moment and asked him to take a picture of me with the girls before they leave….If his eyes could shoot bullets, I would be dead many time over at that moment…..the look of hate and nasty refusal to take that picture right in front on the girls, took my breath away…..(but in hindsight, that was quite naive for me to even ask….I should have expected it…but the chump I am, I really did not)…Still a long way for me to go………And I think its time for me to truly believe that He totally sucks……
2 years post divorce and over a year of NC – I have been lucky and haven’t had to see the POS. The 2 kids we share are in college and are both slated to graduate this fall. I’m dreading their graduations. However, my daughter doesn’t talk to me, so I probably won’t be invited to that anyway. About 1 1/2 years ago I got the final stupid ass text from dipshit (telling me about a song he heard on the radio. What the fuck do I care?) where I decided that was enough. My kids can contact me if I need to know about something – I don’t need an asswipe texting me meaningless shit. He is blocked. Forever. But get this. My oldest son informed me the other day (Asswipe is not my oldest son’s biological father) that Judas has been hanging out at the bar in my town!!! I moved 30 minutes away from fuck face……why the hell would he be hanging out at a bar 30 minutes away from where he lives??? And just so happens to be in the town I live in? I don’t know if he is stalking me? Trying to get a glimpse of what he fucked up? And it is really odd cuz the bar he is hanging out at doesn’t even have a pool table – which is ALL HE DOES (Drink and play pool). Good thing I don’t hang out at the bars where I live.
During the divorce I had to drop off paperwork to x at his business. He very smugly told me I could leave the paperwork in his vehicle as ow was there and he thought it might be “hard for me to see her”. I was going to do that when I thought, Fuck that shit, I don’t have anything to be embarrassed about. So I put down the top on my little red convertible (a birthday present I had brought myself years earlier) roared up to his business with Meatloaf blaring Bat out of Hell and parked right in front. Through the storefront window I saw ow scurrying to the bathroom to hide. I waltzed in like I didn’t have a care in the world and handed him the paperwork. And because I knew she was hiding in the bathroom I spent 20 minutes chatting up Switzerland friends, reminiscing about old trips we had taken together. It was extremely uncomfortable for everyone but me. Then got in my car and roared off. I later heard that x was butt hurt that I didn’t seem to care that he was divorcing me. Best day ever!
Bravo! Bravo! I want to be as cool and poised as you when I grow up!
About 3 months after the divorce, Dr. Dumbass had gotten a 12K annual raise and THEN took me to court to reduce child support by 12K a year, and that’s around the time I saw him and his homely mistress. Needless to say, I was rage incarnate. I was driving along on a main drag through town headed to lunch with a friend. Dr. Dumbass had mentioned he was moving apartments because he “deserved to live away from millennials.” Ok. Whatever. Of course, he told my daughter that he was moving so she would have a nicer place to visit. Ok. Whatever.
Then I saw it. There was his mistress (married with 3 kids) helping him load his Uhaul. I slammed on the brakes and parked my happy ass in the middle of the road to film it just to have as evidence for her chump husband that “no, actually, she wasn’t gone to an ethics conference after all.” She is an ethics professor and minister, naturally. She’s also freakishly obsessed with musicals. Just throwing that in so you can get a picture of what a prize she is.
She probably thought she was free and clear because her family lives in another state.
I just filmed for about 45 seconds with her ugly butt not 12 feet away. The long line of cars behind me didn’t honk, just waited patiently, as if they knew they better not interfere with the unholy level of crazy in front of them. She and my greasy ex (who is a religion professor, of course) had NO idea I was filming. And then I drove away.
Later one of his buddies helping him move said he was horrified she was there and when Dr. Dumbass told him he really needed to keep this a secret so her husband didn’t find out, he nearly puked.
Unfortunately, Dr. Dumbass and I work at the same small institution. Fortunately, he is universally hated and has been since forever. I was the last to know. I try to ghost him and give him zero kibbles but some days I have to stay in my office for fear I might go nuclear if our paths intersect. I have been reassured that if I ever lose it on him, the entire campus community would just applaud and I have nothing to fear.
Still, I don’t want to be that person so I stay away from him. I’ve been NC for over 1.5 years. My daughter is slowly drawing away from him on her own. Things will get better.
Happy Friday CN! We are rid of these rodents!
That is amazing! Did you send the video to the ethical whores husband?
I haven’t yet. I have SO much evidence and it haunts me for this poor guy but I have been advised against sending because she is unstable, would lose her job and her preaching gig (she’s at a very religious school) and might come down and shoot me. I still want to send it and all the emails about their trips along with her secret credit card though.
It bothers me so much that he doesn’t have this evidence. I’m trying to be wise and think of me and my daughter, but it eats away at me. A friend of mine, who happens to be a priest and advised strongly against contacting the chump husband, commented how odd it was that I was suffering from this ethical dilemma while the two who caused it seemed to have no worries in the world.
send it anonymously. create a hotmail email just for this purposely. then email it to him. using the wifi at mcdonalds. then what he does with it is up to him.
he needs to know. anyone who advises you NOT to contact the chump husband is wrong. i only wish one person had the strength to contact me when i was the chump wife. .. .
Please be careful how you do this. I was sent an anonymous email, calmly packed my bags, and then totaled my car by never seeing a red light.
Yes, send the proof to the husband. So many people knew (some of) what Golden D##k was doing during our 40+ years married. NONE of them told me. MANY of them told me what they knew or suspected after the facts came out. Yeah, thanks for nothing. I would be in a different place now if anyone had done the right thing and let me know YEARS ago. Even my own son had doubts about the long-term relationship Golden D##k had with our neighbor (his most recent long-term AP), but he didn’t want to say anything without absolute proof. I know our son struggles with this now, and to be honest, so do I. Please tell. The OW in my case is batshit-crazy. She has harassed, stalked and even threatened me through a third-party flying monkey after Golden D##k confessed to me and dumped her. This went on for 8 MONTHS (last contact was a few weeks ago) and she is probably just biding her time trying to figure out what she can do to hurt me that won’t fall back on her or alienate Golden D##k even more. To HIM she was all sweetness and light. Still wanted him to be her BFF(!). Couldn’t understand why he didn’t want her anymore. But what about our twu luv? Yes honey, it was twu luv; he loved a conveniently located side piece and you loved his money. I filed a police report and got a restraining order against her. Yes she’s crazy, but she also doesn’t want to go to jail. So, as much as she hates me for losing her access to the gravy train with Golden D##k, she hasn’t physically harmed me (except for some random STDS she was kind enough to share during their pretend “marriage”). So tell the husband; the OW probably has a lot more interest in her freedom and well-being than to do anything to harm you. She’s probably a narcissist like my stalker, and they might look/act crazy but they love themselves way too much to endanger their lifestyle in any way.
Fail, mostly at meh till he takes advanatage of school events to push my buttons.
Recenty the Ex invaded my space folloing a school play that both our girls were in. He came to where we were gathered and after demaneding hugs from both his girls for him and wife 2.0 instead of walking away he decided to size up to me and attempt the lets be BFF’s routine infont of all who were gathered which I shut down becasue he had been a nasty prick to me and our eldest daughter in the days leading up to the event becuse he could not get his own way and I do all I can to remain no contact with him, undetered he leant into me and stated that if he could show everyone present how terrible I have been to him in the past five years it would be a very different story. Seriously they cannot live without some form of drama, as I laughed at him and suggested he grow up, wife 2.0 steps in and grabs him by the arm and tries to drag him away telling him to “leave it”, finally getting her way she looks me up and down and declairing “it’s not worth it”. I totally lost my meh at this point, who did she think she was? But then it struck me, she is the new me. It is now her job to protect him against the consequences of his own stupid actions. So now far from Meh, I ask her in a really loud voice with as much calm as I can muster “how does it feel to be just like me? do you realise how much like me you are? and he is nothing but a Fucking Time Bomb’!!!!! as the crowd of conservitive christian families around me took a collective gasp at my colourful language I instantly began to dreed my decision and in the days that followed patiently waited for a summons to the school office. Thankfully that did not happen. Not my finest moment. But am happily back on the road to meh!
My apologies for all the spelling errors, I think it is time for bed.
I actually think that went well! Well played!
Because I am an eternally awkward nerd girl, I only ever see people I know when out and about if I am decked out in yardwork clothes, free of makeup, and with hair in a haphazard ponytail.
So of course the last time I saw the idiot, that was the case. Bugged me for a second. After all, since I am devastatingly cute the vast majority of the time (hah!), seems only fair that the cosmos would arrange things so that these run-ins would transpire during peak cuteness. Alas, no.
Fortunately, have been an awkward nerd girl long enough to laugh at myself about this. Also fortunately, DD claims that my cuteness shines through even extreme grunge. (Gotta love that girl.) She also noted that he stared at me the entire time during our last encounter, and was apparently chagrined that I gave him barely a glance. During that glance, I noted how incredibly old he looks. Thinning hair, growing bald spot, total wrinkles. Yuck. I am older than cheater by a little bit, but he looks older than me by a whole lot. Life choices show.
I would be perfectly content never to encounter him again.
So recently I had to emergency move to a new apartment. Very long story of finding out my roommate had been pocketing my utilities/rent money…it’s fun having your power go out for 8 days because of non payment folks! It ain’t just cheaters who can commit financial fraud… So I was stressed as hell. I had been staying at a friend’s house because well…my power was out for 8 days. I had been running back and forth between three different places, not including work (which I commute 90 minutes every day…) so I was living out of a suitcase, trying to pack up my stuff without my (thieving) roommate noticing (she didn’t) and trying to find a new place to live as fast as possible (I did.)
I get off work, I’m on my way to my old place to pack up more of my stuff, the landlord of the new place had been sitting on my application for two days, not answering anyone’s phone calls, and I was about 4 days away from the first of the month and the (thieving thief…) roommate was already asking me for more money. I was tired, I hadn’t showered in two days, my makeup was smudged. I get on the train and sit down, then a large figure passed by me and sat on the seat less than ten feet away. I looked up.
It’s my fucking ex. He smiled at me and said “Hi!” like he’s not the scum of the earth.
I just stared at him, unblinking. Stared. Said nothing.
Then I looked down at my phone and texted my mom, who obviously knew about everything that had been going on for the last few days, and told her who was sitting in front of me. She just said keep holding strong. This is the last thing I need, but I can get through this shit. Don’t say anything, don’t let him see the stress.
Eventually I got off the train and texted my best friend. Told her who I’d just seen. She said “EW” with about twelve w’s.
The next day the landlord answered his phone, I got approved for my apartment, wrote the check for the first (and last) moth’s rent, and ate a bunch of ice cream. Heaved a sigh of relief.
My makeup was smudged that day, but so what? I can fix that. A friend of mine came to visit the other day and we went to the gym. She said she can see my abs now. And my leg muscles. He’s still fat. I think he may have lost more hair too.
Last year I had the intersection of younger DD’s dance recital and older DD’s HS graduation falling on the same day (I told my parents to stock up on that astronaut underwear). So all the grandparents would be in town and I didn’t want to stress out either of my daughters on their big day by causing drama at seeing ex.
Now my parents, on the other hand…. so later I find out that my sweet southern mom had been practicing what she would say if forced to converse with him. Her solution? In her best Georgia peach drawl, “God has a plan for all of us”, but she adds, “he’d know I meant the vengeful God. Like in the Old Testament.” I joke that if he starts down a dark alley & sees my mom, he’d best just turn around—or maybe just back up slowly.
Your mom us my new favorite! ????
The last time I saw Fucktard X, he was breaking into my apartment, just before I moved to another city. My replacement part was sitting out front in the getaway car. I peeled back the curtain next to the front door with a phone to my ear, flicked on the porch light, smiled and waved. I’ve never seen anyone move so fast. They were off and gone, peeling rubber with the headlights off.
Unfortunately, I have to see my ex on occasion since we work for the same agency. Thank god we share no children together. When I do have the unfortunate circumstance of seeing him, I look past him, around him or through him, never acknowledging his existence. I used to wonder if I had been drunk for those 9 years we spent together… now he gets no rent free time in my head.
I saw him out once with his OW turned baby mama. She’s a “former” heroin and crack addict- I’m pretty sure I stared at her for a bit, wondering how many times she shot up to make her hands look like footballs. Then, I finished my shopping with my hubby.
For whatever reason, Princess Cheaterpants wants to stand near me at our daughter’s events (dance recitals, class Halloween parties, etc.), and try to make a big show of it. I’m guessing she wants to appear to the rest of the world as a better person than she really is. “See, I’m not so bad! My ex-husband is fine with being near me!” I would rather have to stand near radioactive waste for 5 minutes, but, obviously, you can’t get away all the time for kids’ events.
Before last year’s big dance recital, I took the other kid and sat down in the enormous auditorium. She promptly walked down to where we were so she could sit in the same row. I then got up and went two rows away. She got up and followed me there. I finally gave up, but made sure both kids were between us. When she wanted to take pictures afterward, I made sure I was NOT in any picture with her.
Perhaps, she has some misguided notion that placing herself physically near you will bring up some nostalgia about her and leave you walking away filled with longing thoughts for her. Hahaha!
I saw X a few weekends ago at our daughter’s event. Felt okay most of the time, but when my extended family arrived, I felt safer. My sister saw X for the first time since and they were pleasant.
While delivering daughter’s clothing to X’s car, X asked to move kid-related conversations from email to phone. I held my ground. In the moment, it felt like an normal argument.
X got angry, X played victim, and flipped back and forth. I watched and held my ground.
X later tried charm in an email thanking me for the discussion.
I realized, for the first time, she was trying to hook me and nothing worked.
Pretty empowering. I’ve come a long way.
Yes you have, doesn’t it feel great!
Yes, it absolutely empowering once you know what the manipulation looks like, and you realize you don’t have to fall for it anymore. You know better, you do better. Congrats, that’s some nice mighty!
Last time I saw ex was at my daughter’s graduation. Thankfully, he lives in another town with his whore so I don’t have to worry about running into them at the grocery store. And they would not hang out at places I do here in the city – I don’t go to places where you could pick up STDs just by sitting on the bar stool.
Honestly, I don’t know what I’d do if I ever saw them together. I hope I never have to.
I have a regular hostage drop off but soon (as per desperate post the other day) will have to live within 500mtrs of the former Missus Ex. I call the kids on her cell every evening when they are with her but as a smug self satisfied make me smile generator set her Irish name to one phonetically correct but with negative conertation (another name for ‘rear’) with a Ling for the second phonetic syllable….told my kids it was because I’d said it into my Chinese made phone it took my accent up wrong and did it itself…think the older one gets it though….cue smug grin.
The first year I was still so afraid of him that I rarely went anywhere alone that he might be. We both attended an annual week long spiritual retreat where I’d met him 15 years prior to the divorce.
Later it was easier to be calm, or at least appear so. X would apparently accidently walk by my path and try to say hello in passing and I just ignored him and kept walking. I kept 2 mantras running in my head when I saw him:
If his lips are moving he’s lying.
There is nothing I can say that won’t (be twisted and) used against me.
This year I gave up the spiritual retreat after some other narc shenanigans from others. I missed some people, renewal and connections, it was great to just take care of my life and let go of the drama.
Kiddo’s high school graduation in a sleepy hippy dippy small town. Mr Fab flew in from overseas, dressed to kill. Me, Mom and all the sibs from other cribs are there. She sang. Not a dry eye in the house.
Afterward, two things happened. Hot Surfer Guy (a platonic friend) strides out the crowd, swoops me in a helicopter hug. Two seconds later, Kiddo and her whole gorgeous squad of fellow graduates swarm me.
In other words, he expected to be the center of attention but wasn’t. Kiddo was, as is right and proper. He’ll probably play Disney Dad the rest of his days. Not my circus, not my monkey.
I have a tough time with Meh when I see his shitbaggery play out in Kiddo’s life, but my life is inoculated. Assholes abound, any Chump or Kiddo should know this, but it is hard to not take personally.
Tuesday is coming.
Ex moved 2500 miles away almost 5 years ago, so I have not had much experience with “meh” in social situations. It has helped that the last couple of times he has come to visit DS he has looked quite tired and old (knee surgeries, two kids under 5, etc).
After 1.5 years, and only 6 weeks after our DDs suicide attempt, ex forced me to meet the OWife at a kid exchange in another state (Chumpy me arranged OUR vacation near his vacation spot so the kids could see him for a couple of days). It was ridiculous, as OWife had to drive a separate car with a baby, two hours out of her way. She smiled, said nice to meet you, and went to shake my hand. I had my hands full with DS’s things, so I was saved from the handshake; I just smiled and nodded. Good thing DS was standing right there, as otherwise my comment would have been “Look at WHAT you married” just after ex refused to let DD see the baby sister since DD refused to talk to her father. Remember, this was six weeks after her suicide attempt where she texted him after she took a bottle of pills– “Now you will listen bastard.”
This past graduation season, ex crashed DDs graduation when he was not invited (his excuse, no one said not to come). He did not attend the graduation itself, as far as I am aware, though he was in view afterwards so the autistic 4 year old could give DD flowers.
Anyway, ex accused me of “not being over” our relationship/his treatment of me since I was hesitant to pick up DS from the grandparents house where ex and family were staying– he said I did not want to come because OWife was there.
Granted, I hope to avoid her at all costs, but as I told ex, I can be polite in social situations. I was hesitant to go because getting DS to/from home is ex’s responsibility, NOT mine.
And I am tired of still picking up the slack.
Finally, during that same trip, ex and OWife took DS to an honors night at school. I could not go, as DD’s awards night was the same time in a different city! Sob. I was sad, as it turns out DS received a big award. So ex and OWife got to go and praise DS when I was the one who made it all happen with the shuttling back and forth (once 5-RTs in one day!). Well, of course, it was DS’s hard work– but the school is out of our district which means I do all the shuttling as there is no bus.
I did feel better when a friend told me.Was that the wife? She looked like she could be his daughter.
Ha! Made me chuckle.
Given the distance, my hope is that I will not have to interact with them until high school graduation in 3 years; fingers crossed! I know I can act politely. I really want to be at meh (and I am 95% of the time!). It is just when ex does something awful that sets me back from meh (such as coming to graduation, or I agreed to let DS spent all this years’ vacation with his father in exchange for DS NOT moving in with his father– and now is father is not taking him for the extra time (only 8 days for xmas, instead of 16, etc etc).
I know, at this stage, I should expect it, so no reason to get upset!
Jedi hugs to all!
At my daughters prom, over three years after divorce, I saw Ex and his schmoopie (haven’t seen here since D day) taking pictures with my daughter. She was taking a picture ofmy daughter and her dad. I asked if she wanted me to take a picture of all three of them. She said yes which I did. My friends told me that there is no way they could have done what I did. I told them…living happy is revenge enough. However, I still have very dark thoughts of what karma I want bestowed upon them. But I will always act with dignity and grace (you could call it “eating shit sandwiches”). It is all about your state of mind. I do it for the sanity of my daughters and mine too. He is just someone I use to care about. No more. He lost that privilege.
I have been divorced for a year. My ex recently married the woman he cheated on me for years. The kids met her at his wedding. I was almost Meh until now. He will never let her close enough to me because he is afraid I will divulge his secret lives to her. She has no clue what she is in for her. I have such anxiety over thinking about the first time I will be in the same room with her. Hopefully, it won’t be till his funeral. LOL. I plan on having no contact if our paths cross. Think that is best. It will be hard for me but probably best for my kids. I know he cheated on her before so she can find out everything on her own one day. Almost feel sorry for her. She is twenty years younger than me and will probably waste a bunch of her years learning what I did. The thought of my kids getting close to her is the only thing that bothers me but nothing I can do. I never speak of her or him to my kids. I don’t want them to feel awkward. I heard they don’t really like her so I’m glad.LOL
Both of my cheating ex husbands are no longer any problem. They are stuck on the other side. Somehow I think it might be a little harder to let their freak flags fly there.
Don’t have to deal with either of them ever again….I am freeee….
What is interesting, to me, is that I live in a fairly small city (30,000), as does XH. I moved away after the divorce, but moved back 20+ years ago. At any rate, I have yet to run into him anywhere, a clue as to how little we had in common. Fine by me.
I see my “husband” nearly every day due to the fact I wanted to keep the house so I didn’t have to give up my dogs. It is so hard to find a place where you are allowed to have more than 2 dogs and nearly impossible to rent anywhere with a pet of any type. So I have the house and 2 acres and he has the rest with his part time nursery. We are still married because he couldn’t afford health coverage for me and because I have Rheumatoid Arthritis I take some pricey medications. His health plan requires the other person to be a spouse. I found it very hard at first but I am getting better at it. He still wants to be friends, says 32 years of marriage should be worth something. Well yes but not apparently staying with me !! He is a turd ! The thing that bothered me the most was seeing the OW. I told him he would be more than sorry if he ever turned up here with her. He only has a right of way over my property to his nursery so I do have a bit of the law on my side. I asked him way too many questions about her and stupidly enough he answered most of them. I was convinced she was what a call a Lululemon sort of person, fit, athletic etc. Then came his mother’s funeral where he felt this was the ideal place to introduce her to his family. I told him this was not appropriate as she didn’t even know his mother aside from meeting her a few times after she had dementia and had no clue who she was I was told I shouldn’t be there as I would make her uncomfortable. I knew this woman for over 40 years and she still knew who I was even towards the end. I had no problems with my inlaws and they were confused by his behaviour. I think she was pushing to meet his family and he figured this would solve that problem. He has very little contact with his family and hasn’t for years. I went anyway, fortified by some Atavan, with our son and DIL. He was late, as usual, and while I was in the midst of the family and friends, they remained on the outskirts of the gathering. The point of this whole rambling story is that once I saw her I nearly fell over laughing. She looks like a chicken with big orange glasses, leathery skin, messy hair and bad clothes. If this is what he has chosen to be with it is a joke. She didn’t even put her last name in the visitation book. No one knows what it is, even son and dil weren’t told when they met her earler that day as dil lambasted him about bringing this woman to the service and his son hadn’t even met her. Now I truly trust that he sucks and has some real mental problems. He thinks he is a great guy but I think he got a clue things weren’t quite right when his friends preferred to talk to me than them. It made n]me feel mighty if even for a short time !!
I never see Jackass. There’s only one circumstance where that might happen, and I can avoid that.
Now XH the Substance Abuser still has sign-off rights on my pension so if I tap it I have to see him. He’s so angry that I qualified for social security under his number that he refuses any contact. That was a good reason to get a home equity line of credit. But if I have to see him, it doesn’t bother me at all. He is always mean and so negative I’m glad I left.
I no longer have to see my ex and OW/now wife appliance very often. But when I do I treat them both like complete strangers. One I wish I never knew previously and the other I never officially met, nor do I wish to. One time the OW came right up to me at an event (other people were standing close by) and she spoke directly to me and I looked directly past her, as if she wasn’t even there. I did not acknowledge her or respond. It felt weird for me to behave that way, as I am not wired to be so rude, but I felt anything I might say would sound horrible and be embarrassing so I decided ignoring her was the best I could do. She looked so uncomfortable. And I have seen the look in my ex’s eyes as he sizes me up when he sees me and it thrills me to know that I no longer share myself with someone who never saw the real me, only my lady parts that apparently can be switched out for other ones!
I ran into my ex and his OWife, 2 years later at a neighborhood house party. I was forewarned and it was great for me actually! Really healing and perspective-giving for me. Oddly enough, OWife was absolutely livid that I was in attendance. I steered clear of the two of them because I frankly just find them fake and repugnant but she was absolutely furious and she ran around the party telling guests that there was going to be a cat fight (I’m completely serious!). Over what?! Broke, cheater, grandpa?!? Noooo….I think not.
Well her rage ended up being the catalyst of a fight between the two of them culminating in her drunk ass storming out of the party, slamming the front door, and not even saying bye to the host! He in typical self-absorbed fashion just continued to hang out at the party, placidly nursing his beer and completely indifferent to his slut-wife’s distress and anger. It just brought it all home for me. He does not give af about anyone but himself, the woman du jour is just an accessory there to serve and entertain him. He expects you to wear high heels and stand in them painfully for hours and look a certain way and be the social bait for people to want to talk to him. Because without a flashy female lure, he is just another weird, socially awkward old guy. I had been in her exact position of being desperate to get home because I had been standing and walking to parties in stilettos for hours and he just did not give af about my pain or tiredness. It’s all about his good time. Thank god I am out of that situation now!
XH was invited to our granddaughter’s baptism. He doesn’t speak to the son who is the baby’s father and I am NC with him, but we thought it was the right thing to do to invite him. Before hand, to prepare myself I did some Neurolinguistic Programming on myself. I pictured things he might say to get a reaction from me and pictured myself just smiling and not reacting.
The day went very well and I managed to glide through without any negativity.
The next day I got an email from him (we never email anymore). Instead of saying thank you for being included or something nice, he wanted a picture I had gotten when we divorced. We have been apart 7 years and that was what he was thinking about.
It really makes me wonder how I was ever with such a shallow person. He emailed again when I didn’t respond. I then answered and said it is only a thing and if it is so important, he can have it. He then emailed and told me to forget it.
That was a few months ago. He hasn’t tried to email again. I think the whole thing is now funny. He is so far removed from my life and that of his children and grandchild. I expect we won’t see him again until the baby has some milestone many, many years from now. I suspect somewhere in his mind he knows he has lost a lot.
So, if I were to run into him, I think it would be like running into an acquaintance from the distant past. No need to linger and chat. A nod will do.
I’m kinda the same…. “No need to linger and chat. Except a middle finger and a big fuck off will do.
FFH – Yey!!! Beautifully done.
Haven’t seen him in over 6 years when he came by 2 days after the divorce decree was signed to get the last of his shit from the cellar. Luckily, I have an outside door to the cellar so he didn’t need to come inside. When he was finished he thanked me for allowing him to get this shit. My response was, “In the end, I hope all this will be worth it to you.” He sheepishly walked away while I went inside to cry.
Heard from the grapevine Owhore was dropped within days of me finding out but he later went on to marry a Catholic school teacher 24 yrs his junior. WTF?
I ran into the ex, his schmoopie and my kids at Costco. They were doing their usual fake family act. I tried to avoid them but my 4 year old saw me. I just smiled and waved at my son and kept on walking. Inside, I was shaking but I bit my tongue and got out of there as fast as I could. I’m not quite at meh but at least I’m doing better at faking it.
Ok, now that was hard. I’m so sorry.
My worst fear is running into the ex and his OW at the store, and with my kids with me. At least on my own, I can attempt to avoid, but no way would the kids avoid. To make matters even worse, I’ll probably not have showered that day, have greasy hair and baggy clothes on.
You responded with quiet dignity.
After witnessing the darkness and skill the Cluster B’s have in manipulation and triangulation to further their performance in image management, I’ve witnessed first hand the depths they will go to further their victim narrative.
And to all who want to believe in the mask I say, “Have that.” Tolerating abuse is costly. Having enough also has its costs. I’ve had to detach with love from one adult daughter and quite possibly the other.
At a time when both were vulnerable the limited made his move. In the past month I’ve been called delusional from the one I’m no longer in contact with and passive aggressive and psychotic by the other.
By large this was provoked by staying true to my boundaries, having self respect and putting my needs first above theirs. I never realized these daughters well over thirty had no respect. It’s a deal breaker. It set me back for a few weeks. Then yesterday I was told he’d be willing to talk to me.
See how this works? It’s all about access.
I’m no longer selfless. I no longer provide unconditional love. My values stand, and fear is replaced with peace. It’s feeling a lot like Meh.
Doingme, what a strong woman! I’m sorry you have to deal with stuff. (hugs)
I still see ex fairly often (for brief moments) picking up/dropping off the kids. I am generally able to handle that with pleasantries. I do my best to not acknowledge Schmoopie’s existence, however. At first it was really hard on me to see them together. Less than a week after the divorce was final I saw them walking together at the high school back to school night (she has kids at the same school) at the end of the night as we were all leaving. I felt an immediate sense of rage. My solution was to run and hide until they had passed by. I don’t know if I should be proud of not confronting them and possibly embarrassing myself or bothered by my cowardice in running away rather than suppressing my emotions. Several months later I was at a school concert. I saw Schmoopie sitting on the bottom row of the bleachers, I was several rows up. I was wondering who that old looking guy she was with was and hoping that she might be cheating on ex until I realized that it was ex. I hadn’t recognized him right away (I see him frequently, but I don’t really look at him). The one that hurt all over again was at an awards ceremony for our oldest in May on ex’s night to have the kids. I saw Schmoopie sitting next to my youngest son. Ouch. I also saw them earlier this spring at a few of the youngest’s baseball games but they were far enough away that I was able to ignore them. I was sitting with his team mates families being social while they were off by themselves. I still find it annoying that she has invaded my life and the lives of my kids, but seeing them together no longer inspires rage. I still refuse to acknowledge her, however, which Ex finds annoying. Oh well. I have some boundaries.
I’m way over Dr. Cheaterpants and have come to realize how peaceful my life is without all those eggshells constantly crunching under my feet. But thinking about those 2 turds and my 2 teenagers doing things together does put a but under my saddle. The 4 of them went to Hawaii for my son’s graduation gift from cheater. I oversaw a group text between the 4 of them on a left behind device. Young schmoopie sent a text with a pictue–she called my DS by the nickname I had given him that I’m sure cheater encourages her to use. And she made a shitty innuendo about DS18’s weight/lack of coordination with trying to surf. The only person to respond was cheater and he only replied ‘bad’.
These 2 sparkly turds bonded while coaching DD14’s sports team in kids’ Catholic high school. They constantly texted and giggled about how bad some of the girls played, or while making fun of the kid or their parent, and were like hyenas when a kid would quit. About a year later another parent that I’m close to let me know there were a lot of kids ready to quit over Dr. Cheaterpants nastiness to them and they wondered if I had any idea how bad he was to the girls (they were closed practices). The only inkling I had was cheater would come home furious because the head coach wouldn’t let him participate in drills anymore and wouldn’t listen to any of his suggestions. Cheater was on the school board, volunteer coached, and would donate money so I guess no one wanted to fire him until he was screwing around with schmoopie. They both fired then!
They are both shitty characters. They aren’t near as amazing as they think!
You are doing great! That whole fake family thing is so tedious. The cheaters pretending to be such great parents. Did they think once a out what they were doing to their precious kids when they were sneaking around, lying, and stealing family time and money? It’s a joke if they had cared about their kids,they never would have cheated on the first place. Makes you want to puke!
i dont have to worry about running into my ex with his demon troll. .. she forbids him from having anything to do with me or his own children. they moved to a town that is 90 miles away and although they come to our town at least once a month or two, he never bothers to come by my house to see his sons or to call or anything.
he is such a coward weasel (how did i never see this before) that if we ever were in the same room, he would slitter off into a dark corner like the cockroach he is. which is exactly what he has done the past few occasions. the last being a child support court case. if she is with him, she tries to sit as close to him as she can while holding onto his arm. apparently she is scared that i will rip him out of her arms and have sex with him in the court room hallway while we wait.. .. haha she is pathetic and desperate.
she keeps him away from me and keeps him away from his boys. the only time he reaches out to us is when she kicks him out of the house. the last time was a month ago. i foolishly drove those 90 miles so my boys could see their dad. it was a good visit. i was polite and nice without being overly friendly. i have learned that my ex is only nice and charming when he wants something. i was able to not get sucked in when he started complaining about his demon and how horrible his life was. it did not last long because he went back to his abusive demon 2 weeks later and has ghosted us again. she went into full fledge harassment so i am not sure if he will even try to reach out the next time they break up. ..
not my monkeys, not my circus. he chose her over me, and he chose her over his sons. he will be the one who pays the price for that decision in the future when his boys do not want anything to do with him.
After I caught him & OWhore ( he lived in basement for 8 months until house was under my name only) he walked into a club I go to with my friends once in awhile with the whore. He danced & affectionately hugged her in front of me with a smirk. But I totally ignored them..:while my heart was breaking.
My adult son had to tell him not to go where I go because it’s disgusting & just leave mom alone.
This was a year ago. Since then OWhore died & 1 month later he moved in with another woman that he “knew”. He mentioned to my son he doesn’t want to be alone.
I am alone & many times lonely but it’s better than living with a sociopathic liar & a cheater.
34 years wasted…????
I never want to be in the same room with him again!
What an evil dirtbag! I’m so sorry you had to witness his cruelty!
Yes.. thank you ????
Well, 14 years out of my divorce, I’m so meh right now that my ex is just a faint nightmare. How to get there? Ignore. Ignore. Ignore. Then ignore some more. My ex is a malignant narcissist. No response and there’s nothing for him to insult, attack, or talk about. That includes ignoring his family. (And yes, his parents have asked that I come visit. NO. Nothing against them, but you know, they raised him, they can deal with him. I don’t need to visit and even cross his shadow.)
When one of our kids were married, he kept begging anyone who would pay attention for some kibbles (not just me, our kids, guests, etc.). “Look at my cool tie.” “Oh sheez, he still smokes? I GAVE THAT UP.” (All the while I’m thinking, BUT YOU STILL DRINK LIKE A FISH). When one of our kids had a baby and we had a family shower for her, he’s all about self-promotion again–“I rented a sports car to get here!” (Yeah, but you can’t afford to buy a reliable car, can you? Your MOM rented that car for you because you had to drive her here and she refused to get into your death trap.) “I’d NEVER eat that–that’s crap.” (Hmmm. Seems to me there’s enough people here nibbling on it and seem to like it.) You know the type, like Trump. Totally unaware that others exist in this world. If he’s not fed his kibbles, he just goes off and sulks somewhere else. Good bye. Yeah, did this so far successfully for 13-1/2 years of the last 14.
Don’t you just love advice from hypocrites?
Left 30 years ago, saw him 29.5 years ago. AP called me 27 years ago to introduce herself, Pam. I said, “Pam, he stay out all night, comes home and beats you?” Pam cries. I told Pam, “Don’t waste your life, get out. Don’t have kids with him.” Pam cries, “I got two.” I said, “Sorry” and hung up phone. About 18 years ago, I looked him up on Lexis/Nexis. Pam divorced him, and his next wife too. Several kids. He lost his appraisal license, arrests, and DUIs. Haven’t looked him up since. I met Mr. StraightnNarrow 28 years ago, and still married to him. Life goes on.
Shortly after our separation I was out with a GF at local open mic night. In struts lovebringer69 who gets on stage and starts twanging and braying. (He’s after all the kibbles he can get). I messaged him after and explained that I go there every Thursday night so a heads up would be appreciated. Fast forward to a month ago when I got a text that he was going to be there and I was able to reply…”that’s fine I don’t care anymore” ????
I have to see my XH all the freaking time. Roll on October when we will no longer work in the same business.
HOWEVER I saw Miss 1999 ( OW3 and new fiancee) in the newsagents/coffee shop and promptly hid behind another customer, who looked at me in surprise. ” I’m sorry, I’m just hiding from someone” i said. She nodded , and kind of widened her posture so that I was better hidden, until the danger had passed.
I love the kindness of strangers.
By contrast, my eldest daughter and I saw the first OW hand in hand with a new beau, while we were standing at the same coffee shop ( they make really good coffee, we go there a lot, they know our orders without havingto ask). The first OW seems so, well, refreshingly normal compared with OW 3 that we were conflicted. ” Should we wave?” asked my daughter. Then we laughed. Oh, the good old days when there was only one OW.
Saw my ex at the supermarket last week. This was the first time i had seen him since March 2017 when he left for ho worker schmoopie. It was surreal. After 32 years together i actually felt like i should be walking out to the car to go home together from our usual trip to the shops even though months had passed since that had happened. I saw him walk in from a distance and watched him walk by without him seeing me. He looked exactly the same. I would like to say i was mighty but the truth is that i made it to the car before having an epic meltdown and feeling like crap for a few days afterward. The irony is that he has been trying to see me for months now, since July 2017. We have occasional contact via messenger about finances/family issues. I have remained mostly polite and contained in these interactions while he has cycled through the 3 channels. For some time though he has seemed very remorseful and now appears to be starting to grasp the impact on myself and our adult children from his lying and betrayal and the brutal devalue and discard. He is stuck though as he cant change anything now as much as he says he wishes he could take it all back and he tells me that he is filled with self loathing. His new life with schmoops must not be all that he had hoped for. He comes back to our city every 6 weeks or so and sees our kids, grandson, elderly mother etc. Just not me. He even gave me 3 weeks notice last time that he was coming up and that he was keen to catch up. I told him i thought that would be painful for both of us, that we are not partners, we are not friends and that really we are nothing to each other anymore as sad as that is. Straight away he said that he disagreed with that but understood. Anyway, i hope to be stronger the next time i see him and be at a point where i just feel nothing for him.
It is terribly sad. You are strong to say no to him.
Schmoopie was so upset by me that she left the party early.
She’s 55, a dumpy 250 lbs, peroxide blonde crew cut, bad skin, tragic facelift, unemployed, 10th grade dropout, no kids, and failed at her major life goal of becoming a celebrity.
I’m 38, a fit 140 lbs, long blonde hair, attractive, professionally accomplished, ivy with honors, beautiful daughters and married a true king among men after him.
She literally wilted when he introduced us. I was in a gold evening gown. She was in a black muumuu.
It still ranks as one of my favorite life moments. #karmabus
Aahhh–such good. Much feeling!
What the heck was he thinking???
He was thinking whiskey. And he wanted to be a white knight, and I was not in need of his saving. He certainly has his hands full now. It did take me a while after to unwind the skein of “why didn’t he value the fact that I was competent and emotionally low needs?” I think the event majorly refined my understanding of the common man.
There’s nothing at all common about husband #2. This man is the one I waited my life for.
She sounds gross.
I’m thinking he literally wilted too.
You sound fabulous.
Too bad, x-husband.
i am a dumpy 50 years old, almost 200. .. my face is not what it used to be, recently my daughter accidentally burned my face badly with bacon grease.. .. so now i have burn marks to go with the droopy chin and eyes. .. my hair is long but super thin now. and i wear anything loose because i am over weight. . ..
on top of being dumped 4 years ago by wasband, i now have to come to terms with aging single. knowing that there is no chance in hell any man would be interested in me since i am not a fit 140 lbs, long blond hair, attractive, professionally accomplished, ivy with honors.. ..
but at least i am not desperate to hook up with just anything that gives me a compliment or acts interested for a little while. i am also super proud that i did not fall back into the arms of my ex when he reached out to me during a recent break up with the demon troll he left me for. she literally beats the shit out of him. both physically and metaphorically… .. .i may be old, fat and single but at least i am not stupid. haha i have peace with my life. and all the ugly things it brings.
Ms. Vain, me too. I am mid-40’s, overweight, not pretty, not blonde. I have a bachelors but it’s not from anywhere famous. I have medical issues. I was a stay-at-home mom for 12 years and am getting ready to be a high school teacher, so I am not professionally accomplished. I am not going to be anyone’s idea of a catch, so one of the things I’m in therapy for is to come to grips with the idea of being single for the rest of my life. Anyway- just wanted you to know you’re not alone. I read descriptions like that and recognize myself, too. And I know she’s describing her OW, so it helps her to describe her that way, but as another human – I feel you. *hugs* to you, ms. vain.
Did not intend to make any reader feel bad with my physical description of OW! I definitely see her in a most unpleasant light. She’s poisoned inside, and she’s miserably unhappy and it shows, but that is certainly not true of the universe of chumps. Inner beauty trumps all.
Karma Bus, I totally know you did not. For sure! Inner beauty (derived from being kind and a good person) should be #1, but it’s not really something match.com focuses on. HAHAHA. The OW in my case was 12+ years younger than me and totally gorgeous and tiny and successful. Sadly I can’t say that she’s ugly, b/c she’s truly a stunner. However, she’s a homewrecking jerk!
It’s obvious that you did though. People here have been humiliated enough by their asshole cheaters. We’re all here for mutual support and healing. No one should have to read a physical description that matches their own and feel humiliated all over again because it’s stated in a shaming and devaluing way. As we all know, words can do a lot of damage.
Mrsvain, there is nothing ‘dumpy’ about you as far as I can tell and I hope that you won’t let some very thoughtless words make you feel like not being thin, blonde and full of yourself makes you less deserving of love and RESPECT. Plenty of people who are pretty on the outside are quite ugly on the inside.
Oh, I had an epic fail a month after the divorce. I sent ex an email, letting him know our son was moving from one state to another. We had leased a car for our son (before OWife was in the picture) and there was still a year left on the lease. I mentioned in the email that our son was not keeping the car since he was moving to a major city, and I was taking over the lease. I had a 2-year old car then and my plan was to sell that (already had a buyer) so I can take over the lease.
After thanking me for giving him an update, he wanted to know if he can take over the lease because he was going to give it to one of OWife’s (not yet his wife then) sons! That was the last time I ever sent him an email or responded to any of his attempts to contact me. Well, except the one time months after the divorce that he showed up on my door and wanted to reconcile. Um, no. He married OWife 6 months after that.
“Failed at her major life goal of becoming a celebrity.”
That is funny, actually your entire description of her was, thanks for the laugh!
If I run into the ex he’s going to jail, still have the protective order. Course, I don’t recommend having to deal with the abuse leading up to that action, but at least the PO enforced no contact. Dude is afraid of jail, if you do ever find yourself in this situation, report every single violation of the PO. If you are lucky, they are afraid of going to jail and you will get peace. At least until the PO expires…
My experience with cheater is usually one of the following:
1. if I see both of them on the street cheater would look angry and drop OW, walk separately and act all depressed;
2. if I see cheater alone and we had eye contact he’d send me messages afterwards “you are as beautiful as ever, I will always love you” and “why do you look so scared? you know I will never hurt you physically” (wow I am so thankful?!?!);
3. if I see cheater alone and I ignore him he’d have this “surprised” look as in “you didn’t see me? pay attention to me!” sort of expression…
luckily we have no children can’t wait to get rid of this loser
Arrived at Meh with husband (now ex–husband) many year ago ago. I can’t believe that we were ever married. paperwork reminds me that we were.
Glad adulterous abuser decided to move out, even though I financially lost my shirt and will never completely recover from that loss.
Unfortunately, not at Meh with my post-separation boyfriend (now ex-boyfriend of a year). Feel stabbed in the back by the guy who told me he loved me and who I was honored to call my friend for 30 years. I might meet him again as we live a few miles from each other and have friends (including my sibling) in common. I would like to think that I would look/be amazing and have an amazing new permanent partner when I run into ex-boyfriend with his current partner for whom he left me. I can’t imagine that happening, though. I wish thar I just didn’t care! I still generally miss and hate my ex-boyfriend and dream about him even though I am extremely busy. I think that he considered me a passing fancy as for the last several years he has been in a higher economic class than I have as professionally he has done very well and has no kids to support (as far as I know) and I got demolished in my divorce. I realize that one does not need an intimate partner, but when I think about my ex-boyfriend living with (married to?) his young, childless, high-earning work subordinate or my office mate, who has an awesome husband, I feel jealous/envious/lonely. Well, it’s Frida night. Going to try to do something productive, maybe try to play the guitar for my kids or sort paperwork (boring but necessary) tonight.
I went to a mutual friend’s wedding and my ex was going to be there. He went alone. I think he was hoping to meet up with me that night.
I took a date. This guy was gorgeous tall dark Handsome sexy you name it. Karma was mine that night. We danced the night away.
Wow! Thats kind of like my fantasy.
This is pathetic I know and shows I am so not at meh….
So …I have this fantasy that STBX will be speaking at a conference dinner. He just loves public speaking. Some big wig will come up to his table afterwards . He will congratulate STBX .
STBX will be sitting there smugly, his ho worker alongside, the table of onlookers all looking suitably impressed. He will be preening himself with puffed up vanity.
The big wig will then elaborate. ” Yes I wanted to congratukate you for leaving your ex availalbe for me to date. Best thing thats ever happened. She’s fantastic. Thank you so much………..”Camera pans to confused and crestfallen faces of STBX and OW.
“And by the way, I know you’re looking for a new job.
Dont bother applying to my company.
Over a year ago, when I discovered the affair and started the pick me dance to save my marriage, I asked my husband if he really wanted to see me with some other man in the future. I asked him to envision that and let me know if that was what he really wanted to happen. I was hoping that the idea of me with someone else would get him to admit that he really doesn’t want to lose me. Instead, his answer was, “To be honest, my first thought is, ‘Good. She’s his problem now.'”
So my fantasy is to one day be with a really fantastic man whose hands are big enough to handle the crown I wear (Thank you to the person who posted this to me the other day by saying that I don’t need to wear a smaller crown and that I needed a man with bigger hands). And I dream about introducing this man to my ex and this man saying to my ex, “Thank you. She’s a problem I’m more than happy to have.”
I’ll loan you my current husband for this. He’s a former chump, a now-dominant corporate bigwig, all muscle with a great face, 43, and he would LOVE to do this for a friend. He’s got the confidence and the edge for it. Let me know if there is ever that conference and we will import him and record it for the Chump Lady Podcast ????
Hey, Karma. Thanks for the loaner. Trip to Canada is in order.
When my ex left he moved 2 km down the road to move in with his Skank. Closer to that scuzzy bar you see. Then she cheated on him and he hooked up with another one – a childhood friend from the US. She had done nothing to me so why should I care. It did strike me as odd though that she had divorced husband no. 1, no 2 died less than 4 months previously and now she was living with my husband. Crikey, grief didn’t stick around long there. So then the Idiot tried to get her a permit for France. They weren’t married, she had no job, no income, no health coverage and she didn’t speak French. Yeah, sure the French will jump all over themselves to let her in (not). He was all pissed off because “you know, she really likes it here”. Anyway, within 5 months they had gone back to the States and bought a house together (read “he bought a house together”). I called my ex MIL on her birthday and she just said “Attie that was WAY too quick”. Ya think! I had to see him last year when my oldest son got married and it was ok but both kids decided Schmoopie was nuts. It came out by trickle truth. Hah, enjoy. He thinks I have been pining away these past 8 years without him but then of course he only ever thought about himself. I have been having a BLAST, and am thinking of inviting my rather lovely Yorkshireman over for my other son’s wedding next year – ex will not know how to handle the fact that Attie does indeed have other love interests and my lovely Yorkshireman can certainly handle himself. Should be fun!
I ran into him at the theatre .
We had bought tickets to a musical for his parents and ourselves the previous year. I changed my tickets but ended up changing them back to that same evening , as I was always going with other friends. They were like; “its a big theatre, you wont run into him”.
I had ended up getting a single seat on the end of a row, miles from his . I went in early. I started to chat to the people next to me until all of a sudden my in-laws who were walking down my aisle, swooped in with a big hello kiss and greeting. Never mind we live in the same street and rarely see each other.
I knew STBX was hovering there with this stupid grin on his face. The women I had been sitting next to interrupted with an : “Excuse me, that man is trying to talk to you.” I just turned to them and said : ‘He’s my husband. He ran off with another woman . I then turned to him , said : “Piss off.” And after a plit second of shock they repeated : ” Yeah Piss off “.
I know it was undignified but I can’t take it back and it felt good at the time to shame him.
I love the fact that those women had your back! Yay for standing up to an adulterer!!
I was sitting in a booth at Outback Steakhouse, waiting for my daughter and her boyfriend to arrive for her 20th birthday celebration. My ex-husband was going to arrive separately and we would all have a nice birthday dinner together. I hadn’t seen my ex in person in a year. The booth was in the back of the dimly lit restaurant. I casually watched the room, and soon spotted a host leading someone through the restaurant — someone who registered to me as a rumpled and slightly weird-looking middle-aged man. Short. Stocky. Platinum-bleached anime hair (that was what gave him the whiff of weird — I mean no offense at all to anybody who is short, stocky and middle-aged). Wearing old cargo shorts and a bowling shirt. The dude looked like someone who had been living under a pier. They wind their way toward my booth and with a THUNK I recognize him. He probably thought my big smile was because I was happy to see him. Nope. Pure amusement at what time and distance had done for my perspective. It was a very enjoyable dinner. Especially since, once it was over, I did not have to home with that guy. Freedom is awesome like that.
Had to see him all the time at kids’ sports/choir/graduation events. I would look right through him if he was ever unfortunately in my line of sight.
Had to gray rock his mother a couple of times; she’d thrown me under the bus herself. My favorite was the time she loudly whimpered in front of my kids’ friends parents, inquiring if I would “let” my son have lunch with her and the ex. If she was angling for a big embarrassed acquiescence on my part, I wasn’t having it, because I wasn’t in charge of my son’s schedule, and I had zero interest in allowing or disallowing him to do anything, since he had pretty much free reign as an almost adult. So I just gave her the concerned face and cooed, “Oh, I’m not sure what he has planned–go ahead and call or text him!” I also wasn’t going to set anything at all up for her or her son on behalf of my son. Nope.
I haven’t had the pleasure of running into the rescue twat, thankfully. I’d long dreaded it, sure I would shake or faint from the humiliation, but I’m pretty much over that. She will never have the pleasure of being anything close to what I am, sadly for her. Also, she is stuck with the ex, soooo….
More recently, the ex was parked in front of my home dropping off my adult son after another short visit, when I turned the corner onto my street. I stopped the car, did a three-point turn, and refused to go anywhere near him. He left a few seconds later, and after I’d driven around the block, I was able to drive into my garage. My son and I had a giggle about my lurching about-face, but, hey. Now the ex doesn’t meet my son at my (his former) home any more. I guess he’s a bit merciful that way, what a peach.
College graduations are mostly done now, and all that’s left, it seems, is weddings and rehearsals, maybe some grandkid things eventually. I DO NOT LIKE him, but I’ve come so far in 7 years in that the thought of being near him or even speaking to him doesn’t scare the shit out of me any more. But I’m afraid I won’t be able to hide my complete contempt. Bless my boyfriend’s heart, though, as he’s strong for me and is working to help me tone that down a bit. He’s a good dude. He wants me to be happy (I am, but I have this damned scar that I live with.)
I really don’t ever see STBXH Cheatlanta or Schmooplanta. Except I went pain shopping today, damnit.
Was feeling so Meh, too. Googled Schmooplanta and her instagram popped up as she no longer has it set to friends only. Sure enough they took a trip to ‘our’ special place a month ago.
What a douche he is for going there. What an idiot I am for breaking non-contact.
4 months after my divorce was final our adult son was diagnosed with stage IV cancer. I saw the turd at a benefit for our son. He walked past me and looked right through me. The next time I saw him was at the hospital during the sons surgery. I avoided him like the plague. Not 1 word.The last time I saw him was again at the hospital. The son was in the hospital for 6 weeks. This asshat came to see him twice. Not the night that we weren’t sure if he would live or die, not when his lungs filled with fluid and he couldn’t breath. not during the 2 life saving surgeries. He cheated for 4 years before I found out. I tried to “get over it” for 2 years until I wised up. He moved in with the girlfriend he swore he was no longer seeing 6 weeks after I kicked him out. I didn’t really know what a total loser this “man” was until I saw how he treated his son while he was fighting for his life. As my son continues to fight his battle I will make sure that he knows I am right there fighting with him.
I have managed to remain no contact with my ex since we separated 4 years ago, but just recently I got a friend request on LinkedIn from her and although I have not accepted the request, I can’t get it out of my mind. I keep thinking, “did she add me by accident?” Or “why the heck would she send me a request ?” “Does she wants to apologize or be friends?” I even stocked her on Instagram after that request. Clearly she’s still with her new husband, and looke happy. Ugh, I was doing so well, wish she would disappear.
I’d be willing to bet that she just clicked on “invite all contacts” or something on LinkedIn. This has happened to a couple of people I know, folks they had written off or who had written them off suddenly inviting them to connect on that platform.
Either way, intentional or not, blowing it off is a wise move. Triggers are no fun though. I get it.
Good for you for 4 years of no contact!!!