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Let’s blame the children?

An alert chump sent this article in Today’s Parent: “What happens after the affair—when you have kids?”

Apparently, children are hindering Otherwise Good People from their journeys of epic self-discovery. What with their teething and their sticky fingers and inconvenient vulnerability, mommy and daddy can’t get any sleep, no I mean strange.

What are you nattering on about, Tracy? Surely there isn’t a parenting magazine out there blaming children for their parent’s affairs?

Judge for yourself. Jason causes his wife Rachel to suffer a D-Day when she discovers his two-year affair with a co-worker. But he doesn’t blame Rachel…

“She was a good wife, a good mother.” So why the extramarital fling? He’s blunt: “I did it out of lust. I did it out of curiosity.” The sexual urgency in his marriage had faded over the years, he says. Having kids meant there were even fewer opportunities. “I still had some hunger inside me for something else,” he admits.

You gonna challenge that Today’s Parent? Really? Your children gave you fewer opportunities to fuck around?

You did it because you’re an amoral ballsack of entitlement, Jason. While you were having a two-year affair, Rachel was emptying the diaper genie. More opportunities for you. Fewer for her.

But Tracy, we need to have honest conversations about What We Lose when we have children! 

I think there are enough “Mommy needs wine” memes for that.

But FADING SEXUAL URGENCY!

Get a babysitter, grandparent, relative, neighbor to watch the kids for a night?

But that’s not SPONTANEOUS!

Lock a door? Two doors? Don’t those pack ‘n plays come with webcams yet?

BUT IT’S URGENT.

Okay, maybe you just GROW THE FUCK UP JASON and decide that your young children are more important than your throbbing dick. And that indulging your throbbing dick extramaritally would shatter your wife and imperil the future of your children’s intact family home. Unless, of course, we change the cultural narrative to accept the needs of your throbbing dick as Right and Natural. (Oops, I thought several generations of feminism were trying to UNdo preciously that, but Today’s Parent didn’t get the memo.)

Jason, my point is —  maybe feeling entitlement for “something else” should not give you carte blanche to steal two years of Rachel’s life while SHE IS RAISING YOUR CHILDREN.

Oh, but she’s a “good wife.” Awesome. Here’s a bitch cookie.

Lust may be an obvious reason for cheating, but there are countless others, including issues with intimacy or a need to prove one’s desirability. When kids come into the picture, they can rob parents of not only time and sleep but also their ability to nourish the other facets of who they are.

(2 a.m. A teething child cries. An unhappy parent awakes.) “DAMN YOU, JUNIPER! YOU HAVE ROBBED ME OF MY FACETS!”

Exactly what “facet” of yourself is cheating? The douchey facet? Is there a Kay jeweler for that?

An underacknowledged factor, particularly for women, is the feeling that marriage and parenthood has cost them their identity

Here’s a radical thought. Maybe your identity is parent! Like with the high-waisted jeans and lame jokes. What if you just EMBRACE it, and feel super thankful to have babies and a partner who will go through the sucky bits with you.

Look, I know it’s not a yoga retreat in the desert or a Keto diet feed on Instagram, it’s just your progeny. But much like a social media following, children need care and attention too.

specifically, the independent, free-spirited person they were before getting married. In the arms of a lover, they’re no longer putting everyone else’s needs before their own and can feel, just for a moment, like they’re somebody new.

NO, Today’s Parent, NO. The answer to accepting Jason’s throbbing dick “needs” as right and natural IS NOT to permit the same sort of blithering narcissism to Rachel. Ooh goody! We have douche parity!

NO. The point is to DO BETTER — especially for our children.

Today’s Parent, may I suggest some titles for next month’s magazine? —

Winning Snacks That Will Make Your Kids Forget You Weren’t There to Pick Them Up

How to Skype Like You Care!

5 Easy STD Costumes for Halloween! (Paper mâché is perfect for pustules!)

I mean, as long as we’re going to go with the children and cheating theme… Or perhaps CN would like to convey its suggestions to the editor of that dumb article.

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • Yep….having to sit through those half time band performances made me so damned horny. It was all I could do to prevent myself from having an affair. Banging my coworker was all I could think about while I was helping with that Algebra homework.

    • Ok, my soon to be Ex tells me ‘I got weird after we adopted our son’. WTF I became a mom, had a few more important things on my mind. He’s leaving me and our 14 year old son to move 1,000 miles away for ‘a job’ he doesn’t have yet. Real story, moving to move in with the same woman (coworker at the time) he had an affair with 25 years ago. When confronted he tells me ‘they are just good friends’ (who talk and text for 2-3 hours a day minimum) and will live in a nonexistent apartment attached to her house. Truest hope he moves his crap soon…couldn’t be fast enough!

  • My cheater and I didn’t have children – thank god. That didn’t stop him from sleeping around and finally leaving me for a coworker. Its not the children thats the problem – its the cheaters own sense of entitlement.

  • Having kids is hard work and I admit I put them first for so long but for God’s sake, someone has to! They are little and they need you. If he hadn’t been out in the goddamn bar all the time but had been at home helping with homework/cooking (we both worked full-time) maybe I would have had more energy for him!

    • Blaming the kids just reveals the circularity of the cheater’s argument. If the spouse puts the needs of the kids first, then the cheater was “ignored.” If the cheater (somehow) ends up being the primary parent, then the cheater was “put upon.” Regardless, the cheater feels entitled to cheat–spouse and children, be damned.

    • We must have had the same marriage. I took care of most of our shared work at home, was primary caregiver to our kids and worked full time bringing in the majority of our income. He was gone more than half of every day and annoyed that I was tired. Guess he’ll have to go get a new wife appliance now. Good luck with that.

      • I work full time, make almost triple his income, did the vast majority of childcare and housework. And he was never happy with any of it. At one point i was working 60-70 hours a week when i first started and he would whine that i wasn’t giving him enough attention and i was always floored by that comment. I did it for him, got the new job because he was doing what he loved despite it not making enough, took care of the kids and house so he could go out and keep his friends/hobbies.

        Can’t wait to see the new wife appliance this man finds, he genuinely thinks i should have done it all with a smile on my face an a consistent desire for his c ock. not realizing other things have my attention as well (like the 2 kids you asked me to have and the job you asked me to get)

        It’s all about him and his desirability *eyeroll* he would get annoyed if i wore leggings to bed (cause he didn’t find them attractive) or if i took off my makeup before “adult” time. Also would rag on me whenever i wore something he didn’t think was hot enough. Last year for halloween we went to a family party and i was little red riding hood and he was all put out that i wouldn’t wear a shorter skirt (it was already well above my knee) and that the top was long sleeves instead of low cut “for him”. again, FAMILY halloween party.

        Didn’t matter what i did, if i wasn’t turning him on it didn’t count.

        • Now you can reclaim your identity. Got to love these spouses that assume you are only there for THEIR needs. You mean you have a life, too? That never occurred to them (classic Narc thinking)

          • My fucker came home one Saturday and said to me as I was vacuuming the house and pool….
            I didn’t know you li ked to do housework so much
            What a fucker
            Of course I love it!!!

            • Hahaha! Mine told me he would “take the house off my hands” because, “[I] hate housework anyway.” I corrected him on both delusions with,

              “No. While it’s only a house to you, it is my and our children’s home. So you won’t be “taking it off my hands.” And for the record, I don’t “hate housework.” But I do resent doing all of it and picking up after a grown man who thinks cleaning is “woman’s work” and yard work is beneath him.”

              I ended my explanation with, “So you can just go fuck off.” Quite frankly, that felt better than the explanation.

        • I worked full-time and also did a majority of the child care and household chores. Apparently that made me crabby and not giving him the attention he deserved or being the person he wanted me to be.
          I too was let down by him. I was drowning and he offered no help. He gave me no attention, instead started hanging out more and more at bars. I felt alone and unloved. Yet I did not cheat. I tried harder to get his attention, which was ignored and STILL I did not cheat. Just goes to show what kind of selfish jerks cheaters are.

        • Porn Star stopped giving me foot rubs because I wasn’t going for pedicures often enough.

          So, instead of giving me money to go, he decided to satisfy his foot fetish by doing pedicure “tributes” to strange.

          He is so fucked up.

    • Attie, it had nothing to do with how much “time for him”you had and everything to do with his shitty character. I put my X first in my life and we could afford to hire nannies, house cleaners, went on couples’ tropical vacations (no kids) several times a year. He still was a lying serial cheating douchebag who devalued and discarded me and our wonderful family. It’s ALL on them.

    • AMEN to that! My pos felt he wasnt getting enough attention..one of a long list of excuses..maybe if he had spent less time partying, riding his bike with the”club” watching porn on the computer, laying out by the pool, going to the “gym” and maybe helped me with any of the adulting like caring for his 2 kids, helping with the house, my 2 dying parents their 5 dogs and home, drug addicted mentally ill sister ect..and I worked a full time job as a nurse..maybe i could have paid more attention to his pathetic ass..but nobody was paying any attention to me either. I really didnt have the time or energy left to even think about cheating…

      • That was me, too. For the last two years, he ignored me while I continued to work full-time, tended to the house, paid bills, tended to my mother’s declining health and getting stuff out of her house, groceries, laundry, landscaping, cutting grass, and taking care of pets. Oh, and I volunteer every Saturday from February-April.

        He came from work and either worked out in the basement, stayed in his man cave room or watched TV. And he wondered why I would be grumpy when I walk into the house at 7:30pm and he’s watching TV and I’m expected to start dinner.

    • and of course he had the wherewithal to say ”Attie. I am lonely and I desire you. How can we make that happen? What’s that? You do literally everything for our very young kids? Gosh, I HAVE been selfish. Tell you what, let’s discuss what I could do FOR our children to share the load a bit more, and let’s also book a babysitter – I will do this, me Attie, it will not be another chore for you, you do enough, and thank you by the way, thank you for being responsible and mature and caring, and then we will go and have a splendid evening out somewhere”. But no. Of course not, because YOU’RE the problem Attie, you with your ”have to look after the toddler and pre-schooler”. Such a buzz kill.

      • Ha ha, that’s about the sum of it (for all of us by the sounds of it). Just as a “by the way” I saw his FB pages today (yeah I still look because it’s fun). Schmoopy doesn’t have any kids but posted a picture of them with friends. Bejeezuz he looks like crap. I mean serious crap. Karma buddy, karma!

    • I put my daughter first too, dam I wish I could send this CL page to my ex and rub her face in it, this is exactly what happened to us and how my exW justified it, and MC agreed and supposed her. I’m still pissed off about it.

    • What’s sexy to chumps? Raising the kids with a life partner. Laughing together with exhaustion at the 3 a.m. feeding knowing it will pass. Watching and helping your children grow. Planning for the future after the kids have left. Holding the hand of your partner, knowing you are secure in their love as they are in yours.

      What’s sexy to narcs? Attention! Look at me. Look at me some more. I put away the dishes! Aren’t I fabulous? Why aren’t you praising me? The kid is crying? Hey, what about ME? I need attention too. Kids are so much work so I’m going to fuck someone else because I’m lazy and you’re so busy and not focused on ME anymore.

  • Having kids means it’s harder to light that fire with your spouse but it’s not impossible. If one person has the energy to pursue strange, then that one person has the energy to take on more of the work of raising the children thereby making it easier to have sex with your spouse.

    Assholes.

    Hey – has anyone lit upon http://www.mustbethistalltoride.com ? What did you think? 13 part letter to Shitty Husbands grabbed my eye!

      • Yeah, that one AND

        https://mustbethistalltoride.com/2014/02/26/an-open-letter-to-shitty-husbands-vol-6/

        “But I’m so nice to her!

        But I love her more than everyone else!

        But I almost always let her have her way!

        What’s her freaking problem?

        Just another crazy, emotional, hormonal woman!

        And I totally get it. I do. It’s often easier to just do what she wants (or what you think she wants) than it is to challenge her, argue with her, fight with her, whatever.

        Maybe you really just believe it’s “nicer” to do things this way.

        But it’s not nicer. And I don’t want you to learn the hard way like I did.”

        My FuckedUp Unicorn is slowly getting it now that the kids are grown. He’s mourning the loss of young children – I’m not. Why not? Because I did most of the work! He can reflect with rainbows and sugar plums dancing through his head because he didn’t do the grunt work.

        There were good times raising the kids, but hell yeah they interfered with my sex life because I was TIRED.

      • Well, at least he knew why and when The End rolled on the screen.

        I hope he wasn’t a small child. Then again, is there EVER a good time to catch a parent with their AP?

        • I don’t think so. Our then fourteen-year-old son was watching the Red Sox game with his father one night, and when Dad went to the bathroom, Dad’s bimbo starting blowing up his phone with “sexy texts.” When Dad returned and my son asked about it, Dad yelled at him for violating his privacy. Then he explained it away as just a coworker having fun.

          That was six years ago. My son wants nothing to do with him now. He knows his father is a liar.

  • Another way to introduce panic into a marriage and pre-dispose the chump to a pick me dance when the D-day arrives. “Now that we have kids, s/he might cheat!” “I better make things super-exciting at home.”

    • Oh not a chance…. I had 3 kids, taking care of them 24/7…. and creating”exciting environment” at home ….
      It’s simple.
      They cheat because of their entitlement, not kids, busy wife, messy house, etc.

      You can find excuse for any behavior, but ADULTING means taking responsibility for ur choices and doing the job u signed for.

  • As if it wasn’t bad enough that people behave like this but then to write tripe like this to excuse it, gah.

    Yes, folks, when you give birth to little people with needs, they do often need you and it become your responsibility to care for them. And then one Saturday morning they will be big enough pour some Cap’n Crunch in a salad bowl with a quart of milk and watch cartoons while you and the Mrs have sex.

    Sneaking around and not getting caught is almost like when you were teenagers trying for your parents to not catch you…its a game that has gone on for millennia.

    but you and your needs…CL is exactly right …when someone prioritizes their throbbing genitals over the family they create …it destroys everything.

    what cheaters and douchy folks miss is that while you are putting someone ahead of yourself, you are actually becoming a better person and when you and your now better spouse come together in your shared marital bed, its sacred, to be treasured. Its not a tinder date, you have created something deep and meaningful together.

    unless you fuck around and ruin everything

  • During marriage counseling my ex said that “we were a great couple before we had children. Having children had changed me and that he hadn’t changed at all”. Even the counselor was dumb struck. Of course having kids changed me. Sorry their needs had to come first. I guess we could have been fine as long as he continued to be the baby in the family and I devoted all of my time to his wants and needs. Our counselor said to me “I don’t think there is anything to work with here”.

    In the context of everything he did in our almost 30 year marriage, I don’t think anything hurt me more than my ex saying our children were the problem in our marriage. He is still with the OW and she caters to his every need. Good on him, he finally gets to be the baby in the family. Meanwhile, my kids know who has always been there for them and I wouldn’t change that for anything.

    • L-O-V-E that counselor.

      And I suppose he thinks those beautiful children “just happened”? His oh-so-important sexual needs had nothing to do with conceiving them?

      Basic biology, d-bag. Don’t want kids? Speak up and say so, because other people who do want akids should
      be with each other, not with you.

      Also, from an effectiveness standpoint, control yourself, or at a minimum, at least manage your wad.

      Also, none of that matters because it’s all an excuse on his part. His cheating is about his character only, not about you or the kids.

      • Pretty much this. If you read the comments in any article on infidelity, you’ll see all sorts of men writing in to say that they were perfectly justified in having an affair because after the children, their wife was too busy and never had time.

        It never occurred to them that perhaps they could offer to watch the kids so their wife could take a nap, higher a sitter so that they could go out to a romantic dinner, stay the night at a cute bed and breakfast, etc.

        The narcs just want what they want when they want it. If you’re up to your elbows in diaper poo when they want sex, they get all petulant.

        • or even just to say ”wife, I am feeling pretty left out here. I know the kids need a lot, and I’m aware of how pathetic I sound, but I miss us. How can I do something to help us get a bit of magic back? How can we get onto a bit more of an even keel? Do you want me to take over bath time and bed time parade a couple of nights a week so you can go and catch up with friends, TV or whatever hobbies? I love you, and I’m lonely. Let’s work it out!”

          • At one point my ex did sort of admit that he wanted more attention (by saying “I can’t believe you are reading to the kids when there are dishes to be done” and then refusing to talk to me for 16 hours until I finally nailed him down and asked what was going on and he said he wasn’t getting enough attention). When I tried to carve out more time for him, however, he blew me off. Internet news or whatever was more important than coming to bed when I was there in my sexy lingerie waiting for him to come to join me (after several attempts to let him know I was there and waiting).

            • I got a lot of “why are you wasting the time doing xyz with the kids to do housework?” and then also a lot of “why do you only do housework, come hang out with me/the kids” followed by “you never do any housework, if you weren’t here we wouldn’t even notice”

              Also frequently heard “i want us to be more spontaneous and i want you to desire me more” so i would come out of the room in some lingerie or would start kissing/touching and he would tell me he’s not in the mood and flat out reject me and continue to watch tv/drink/be on computer. but god forbid i ever told him i wasn’t in the mood, then he would sulk and pester me till i changed my mind….

              Basically it boils down to “do what i want, when i want it and dont expect me to tell you what that is that i want”. You can’t win with anyone like that.

              It’s not our jobs to be the only source of everything for the cheater, i think our problem (at least mine) was finding a lot of purpose in being the source while also expecting him to reciprocate. Neither assumption was a healthy habit to get in to.

            • Chumpinrecovery, my fair pissed said that sexy lingerie isn’t necessary in a healthy marriage!

              “Whaaa?” I said.

              She said if you have to spice up your marriage was sexy lingerie, there’s a deeper problem. I missed that red flag too.

              If women knew that, Victoria’s Secret would go bankrupt.

              Days after D-day, I walked into his office downstairs and threw my arms full of Victoria’s Secret lingerie, that he’d bought me, at him and said “Fuck you. Maybe your prostitutes want these.”

              The look on his face was priceless.

              A few weeks ago I found that he was into transvestites as well. Wonder if he bought them stuff from Victoria’s as well.

              • In my house my husband/stbx wanted to wear the lingerie (and never wanted me to). So yours probably did buy it for his trans prostitutes.

              • I abhor Victoria’s Secret. I’m sure I’m viewed as a giant prude but I feel that they objectify women in the worst way and prostitute their bodies in their advertising and fashion (HA) show.

                A friend who purchased their crap frequently and I were discussing it one say.
                I asked her “If some woman you didn’t know walked into your home, stripped down to her barely there underwear then started strutting around your living room or started to pose in a sexually suggestive manner on your couch, in front of your husband and kids, how would you feel?”
                She immediately replied that she would drag the tramp out by her hair and kick her skank ass to the curb.

                So I asked he why it’s ok for that exact scenario to occur right in her living room via the television. She got it.
                She no longer buys their garbage and I actually heard her use my analogy with another friend.

          • If someone feels “left out” because the responsible parent is doing all the childcare, then FUCKING ATTEND ONE OF YOUR KID’S SOCCER GAMES.

            • Or take the family on a hike, or for a putt-putt golf outing, or to a children’s science museum, or out for ice cream.

              Why is this rocket science?

              • Or, help your wife with the cooking, cleaning, homework, school lunches, laundry, doctor’s appointments….then you wouldn’t have the time to screw around. And yes, just maybe she would not have to go to bed so early for her full time employment (out of sheer exhaustion).

    • I’m so sorry. It is such a devastating blow to hear it. My ex said something similar. Shortly after I had filed for divorce, but was still smoking the hopium pipe, my ex told me, “I want you, but without kids.” I was floored. I put down the hopium pipe that day. He was at least honest when he told me that because a relationship with his children is not a priority to him at all. It is heartbreaking to see how little he cares for our amazing children. Oh well, it is his loss.

  • stbx has his vasectomy reversed after 14 years to have another child with me.
    The odds of us conceiving naturally was at best 5%.
    I got pregnant right away. *shocked*
    19 weeks start having problems, OB says NO SEX!
    21 weeks was in the hospital with pre-term labor.
    TOTAL bedrest, no showers, bedside commode and could only lay flat on my left side, for TWELVE WEEKS.
    Baby born healthy at 33 weeks. *phew*
    Finally back on my feet and doing great when baby was 4 months old, resumed sex life even though I had all the demands of a preemie on a monitor, breast pump, c-section recovery, recovery from being immobile for 3 months.
    stbx took ZERO days off. I discover him shopping for escorts while he was on his guard weekends…..he had been doing it the whole time I was on ‘no sex, bed rest strict orders’.
    I said : I didn’t think I had to spell it out for you, but that’s NOT okay with me!!!
    His response : I fucked it up again. (because I would later learn he had cheated in ALL his other relationships) and “WE weren’t having sex!”
    Ya, that’s right jerkazoid! WE were not having sex! *I* wasn’t having sex! I was having your baby you demanded, doing everything in my power to stay down, stay quiet, meditate, relax, NOT CRY (because it washes hormones out and would make me contract more) so WE could have a healthy baby that could come home in 12 days instead of one that might not live in the NICU!

    Really hate him for that…..and a million other things.

    Trial dates set for next month….almost 3 years of the stupid battle in court.

    • Omg, I am so sorry you’ve been going through all that. What a jackass. You aren’t even allowed to cry on bed rest? Holy moly, I never knew that. You get all the hugs today. Keep being mighty!

    • What is it with the Army and escorts? My jackass did the same thing on TDY! I think sometimes that uniform comes with an extra large helping of entitlement and arrogance.

      • The strip clubs in the large city near where I live advertise on the radio all the time with special rates for firefighters and military.
        😒

    • Wow. Wow. Wow. You’re an incredible woman for what you did for that sweet baby. I’m in awe. Unlike that ultra-dbag jerkwad who sucks so bad I can’t even process!

      I had two with no complications. Although in pain and in bad moods toward the end (son was 2’ long when born and I’m only 5’2 with short torso; he’s 6’4 now!). What they heck was I complaining about?!

      I’m so glad your baby has YOU. That’s all they need – selfless, superhero YOU. ❤️

  • My ex, said he liked the ow, because she didn’t want her kids, she prefered him. I don’t think she made the right choice. My ex said he picked me, I wasn’t grateful, we have been finished 5 years last may. Ow is apparently still angry, fuck knows why, maybe realised she made the wrong choice

    • I hope her kids are with somebody who wants them, because they sure AF shouldn’t be with her. As described, she’s a monster!

    • I think that’s why my ex likes his Owife. She’s horrible to my kids and barely parents her own. My ex has now decided that of my two kids who still visit, they need to become “more independent.” This apparently means that he spends almost no time with them during visitation, and when my son asks for help on his homework, his father won’t help him anymore. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised– the Ashley Madison hack information showed me that he created his very first account when our eldest was a year old. I never should have had kids with him. I wish that I had married someone who was excited about being a father rather than a big baby who wanted to be parented by his wife.

  • Yup. I got the “I felt trapped after we had kids…I was curious how it would be to have sex with someone new…You weren’t supposed to find out…I’m just attracted to other women…I wish i had met you last and not first, NewGirl…”

    Yeah, i felt lonely because he was “working so hard, low-man, getting the crappy hours” but I didn’t fuck someone else. I didn’t know he was chasing strange & spending thousands on strange.

    I love being a mom. It’s who I am at this stage of my life. And my life is AMAING without a cheater.

  • I read that article and kept thinking – once a cheater – always a cheater – and yep Marcus cheated again – and wanted an open marriage. They really do all follow the same script.

    Ugh.

  • I, too, was a Violator of Taking Excessively Good Care of Our Children. The better path, it was decided, was to utterly destroy their lives, of course!

    Imagine if, just throwing this out there, that Cheaters took aaaaallll the time, energy and money they spent deceiving the people they pledged to love and protect, and invested it on their marriages.

    Nope, that does not work for them because the narrative where they acquire intimacy quickly with APs by marking them superior to spouses and deciding that their spouses appliance is inferior gives them sick pleasure. They get off on the trickery. Affairland is a magical realm where nary a dog turd is scooped from the meadow!

    • Not even “aaaaallll the time, energy and money” — just half of that effort spent lying, cheating, deceiving would transform a marriage and family — but noooo it’s just not shiny-n-new

  • The article mentions a difference in that higher percentages of millennials cheat. I am wondering if that means we are headed to a more Orwellian/1984 sort of relationship dynamic in the future. That would be a frightening thing to contemplate – or am I just a curmudgeon? Are there any millennials here to tell me why this might be the case?

    • I am 33 with two kids, married for 14 years today. We are a selfish generation. It’s all about the image. I was raised traditionally and thought that if i was a good enough wife my husband would love me. (Stupid) He found the red pill community online and now it’s all about how he could do so much better. (Think much younger and child free. I’m a size zero and take care of myself but I don’t have a 20 year old body anymore.) men and women both feed into this narcissism and I feel like a fool for sacrificing for him. Older men come up to him and tell him how lucky he is to have such a beautiful wife. Doesn’t matter to him. Apparently I’m a California 6 and a Colorado 10. He wants the California 9-10

      • KT
        It doesn’t matter what size you are and how great you are… what matters to the cheater is HIMSELF his needs his wants.
        I have few extremely attractive ,intelligent women who were cheated on …. it doesn’t make any sense…

        Those cheaters are selfish, horrible human beings.

        • Elsa: that’s probably true. Maybe what’s different now compared to In the past is how little justification people need to be complete pieces of shit to each other. Proble is, when I look to the past, people have always been this way. I didn’t get the super selfish gene and now I, like so many on here, get to suffer. I didn’t sparkler enough. I don’t collect flying monkey followers on Instagram and in real life. Therefore I have less value than someone who does. No it’s not about the dress size but what amazes me is how amazingly ungrateful he is. Nothing is ever enough. He’s forever miserable. I believe he would be if he was dating a harem of 20 something models, but I can’t prove it

      • Halle Berry was cheated on. Katy Perry was cheated on. Sandra Bullock was cheated on. Stephanie Marchand was cheated on. All by men in my opinion who were batting above their average.

        It’s about lack of character, not our failure to measure up to a standard that many of them don’t even meet.You’re a ten everywhere, KT.

        • You just made me remember something after my divorce. My cheating ex always had a thing for Sandra Bullock. After the judge in our divorce awarded me everything, told me how sorry he was for what I went through and wished me good luck, my husband was dumbfounded. He always thought he was such a “great guy”. I told the ex, no dummy, you’re Jesse James and I’m Sandra Bullock. You’re a piece of shit and I’m America’s fucking sweetheart!”

          Ha. Thanks for reminding me of that.

          • 🤣👍 “You’re Jesse James and I’m America’s fucking sweetheart!” Truth! Nothing we do matters to a SO on the prowl. I know many couples who just roll with the challenges of life, they share chores, discuss priorities and concerns, are intimate, and make it happen. They respect one another, value their families, recognize they are a team, and reciprocate. A guy I know raised four daughters (the first daughter, hers, who he quickly adopted) with his beautiful feisty wife and every time he came home he would come in to give her a big hug. Some days she would be fired up about something in the community and he would then take an extra moment to sit there in the kitchen and listen to her vent with a big smile on his face and state he was the luckiest man in the world. His words and actions always communicated his love.😍 IMHO, most of us weren’t married to someone like that; we were married to cons. (No wonder it was so easy for them to walk away.) I think it’s important to remember that.

      • XW and I are both 36, both raised traditionally as well by long-married parents from similar socioeconomic background. We were both taught that you work hard and sacrifice to provide for your family.

        She cheated.

        It’s her lack of character. Period.

        • Your XW is the same demographic my XH cheated with. In my XH case I know why the XW abandoned her own family — She was drawn to the high prestige status my cheater offered. And he was her boss. She got promoted, because she served him so well. I saw all the Email and text exchanges. Even in the work related environment, she would admire him and do exactly what he told her to do. She never challenged him once, but was the submissive subordinate. My dipshit of a husband loved that. A woman that did not challenge him. A woman he could command around. Unlike me, who asked him to do demeaning tasks like take off shoes before entering the house or clean up after himself.

          They both can be lucky they were not fired. For years, their sexual affair has put a huge imbalance to the organization and caused a lot of others to draw the shorter stick or not get a raise they might have deserved.

          Yet, both lack character.

          • Same exact story that happened to me. I threatened to tell his work but I ended up not saying anything and kicked him out to hold on to some dignity I had left. I still hurt knowing after 23 yrs together he would do something like this. Xo I’m not alone!

          • Ditto. The EX was a high flying executive. She was 8 or 9 years younger than him…. blonde, pretty and had an active body( very active if you get my gist). The OW’s husband worked at the big corporate that both the EX and the OW did. (Very, very awkward!!!). The EX has two teenagers and the OW had two toddlers.

            The big corporate looked on as the EX and the OW blatantly acted out their affair in front of the corporate players….no reprimand. Nothing.

            The poor husband coming to work …. up the very top of the structure was the man who was now fucking his wife and bringing up his kids. SOO very wrong and so not the ‘Me Too Movememt’.

            We need Corporates to start to stamp out this culture and outline consequences. It is wrong on so many levels. But… the testosterone filled, swinging dick culture of male dominated corporates applauds this disgusting practice.

            My EX was described as being called a Randy behind his back by someone who knows him at his workplace. OMG. That says it all….

            • My husband’s company was giving all executives “ blank check” or rather gold card…and “ on site” guide, so they don’t have to worry about the language Barrier, issues with finding high class hookers in different locations etc.
              Disgusting.
              Then, the company was holding annual Family Day- for kids and spouses.
              🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮😠😠😠😠😠

    • I’m a millennial. I don’t think that millennials are any more entitled than any other generation. I think that SOCIETY is much more accepting of cheating, especially for women, than it used to be. It has long been mostly accepted that men will cheat because of their “natures” but until recently women who cheated faced signficant social and economic punishment for doing so. That’s no longer the case. If more millennials are cheating it has to do, in my opinion, with the fact that there aren’t as many, if any, consequences for doing so (aside from destroying a family, you know).

      • Exactly this. My XW and I are also millennials, and XW works with several women the same age. I think her co-workers are actually living vicariously through her, from her affair to her single life after divorce. It’s like XW gets to be the star of her very own soap opera with no consequences. Everyone she knows, except for her parents, think what she did is great. Even the OM’s family talks about how cute they are together. So many fucked up people in this world.

        • I hate the whole “Let’s blame this [name a societal ill] on an entire generation.” My friends who are millennials don’t cheat. Their husbands don’t cheat. That’s because they have good character, which is why I chose them as friends in the first place. My STBX was raised in a very religious family as was I. It’s all entitlement. To be honest, my parent’s generation seems WAY more entitled than most millennials I know.

    • Linny, although there’s nothing new under the sun, I do think internet access and lots of time spent on the web has eroded virtue. I’m a Gen X-er, but was dating a much younger millenial Mr. Creeperpants Super Christian. He was 26 when I met him 3 or 4 years ago. The oh so pure and innocent Christan leader who had to leave the room during Super Bowl half-time show because Beyonce’s dancing was “terrible.” Found out later, Creeper has had unfettered access to porn since he was 12. Said he’s “never been without it.” I imagine surfing porn on the web every day does more to warp your mind than the Gen X-er experience of occasionally getting to watch a porn VHS tape when your parents weren’t looking. Creeper was doomed from the start, and now can’t be anywhere without constantly scanning for the prettiest body part in the room and falling into a trance with it. And, he actually said this, he would stare incessantly and fantasize, “What if THAT girl would notice ME?” Never mind that I was right there next to him. Regarding the uprising of internet porn, he said, “I feel like I was a guinea pig.” Poooooor Sadz. Grow up!!

      • Oh yeah, he also told me he has PIED…. Huh? Mr. Virgin can’t do you-know-what with a real woman.? I’m dumbfounded…

  • Isn’t it something how our precious, beautiful, innocent children can somehow, suddenly, get in the way.
    A cheater thinks they can make things noble by uttering, “But, I will always love you as the mother of my children.”
    Note the word “my,” not “our” children.
    Well, cheater boy, in my heart, in my eyes, you just lost your half of centre stage of the most important gift you will ever receive during your life time.

    My children are MY most cherished gift I could ever receive in my life.
    (Cheater, not so much).

    • Yeah the “you will always be the mother of my children” crap. Maybe if you valued me as a human being instead of your wife appliance you wouldn’t have cheated?

      • I wonder why “mother of my children ” rings of insult. As Bumblechump says. I think it has something to do with “my” which sticks in the gut because 99% of the time chumps were doing all the children raising. .. in spite of the childish narc interfering with his needs getting knocked off poll position.
        Narcs suck.
        I am triggered today because fuckwit ex who left us homeless and chastised his own kids for expecting some financial assistance thinks he is dad of the year for emailing his 3 kids a job ad.
        Go fuck yourself you selfish wanker

  • Dear Today’s Parent:

    I need some advice. Mr. Sparkles has this nasty habit of putting his dick in places it doesn’t belong… places like the mouth of hookers and the ass of Trannies he meets on Craigslist. He does this while I’m doing all the housework, raising the children, planning birthday parties, and working full-time.

    He says he wants to be on GREEN, but he just can’t control his dick. So, surely enough, he finds himself on Yellow or Red regularly and his wife (me) doesn’t want to fuck him (funny that).

    What to do?

    Sincerely,
    Looks like I’m parenting a man now (gee, and doesn’t that make me feel sexy).

  • I started skimming through the OT ‘article’ but decided not to bother after seeing it started to quote Esther Perel (grief she’s everywhere nowadays)

    As a male chump I’ve watched STBXW minimise her parenting as much as she can get away with. Post-affair it got worse. If I wasn’t around then she’d just look for someone else to take care of them.

    What I’ve read is that the first 7 years of parenthood are the most difficult. As someone who works with children (after-school activities) I’ve noticed that most recently divorced couples tend to have young children around 4 or 5. Basically one of the parents not wanting to (wo)man-up, take responsibility and get through this period. As always it’s us chumps doing the responsible sane parent bit while the idiot goes off exploring their “freedom”

    “I love being a mom” said @NewGirl17 and I love being a dad! In a life of 80+ years, a few of those years spent changing diapers and doing school runs is really not a big deal

    • Right with you, OFTS — it seems like no articles on the topic are possible anymore without EP being the “stick that stirs the drink.”

      • Sadly, the article also quotes therapists who are actually knowledgeable (such as Janis Abrahms Spring.) It’s so hard for people who aren’t aware of EP’s amoral agenda to sift through and discern the nuggets of truth and semi-helpful advice contained in that article (and there actually were some) versus the load of utter crap woven in between. Hopefully, now that CL has linked to the article, any google searches for it will also bring up CL’s response.

    • I have been on this site and read everything here for the last 8 or 9 months, and today’s topic has finally pushed me to the “time to chime in stage”. I will probably post something in the forums soon with more extensive background and path I have trod in my goal to get to M’eh (this site, and all of you have been a lifesaver, just sayin’), but feel I can confidently share my aggravation at this crock of shit that came from my cheater.

      She spouted many of the tried and well worn troop of reasons she cheated. “ILYBINILWY” and “The marriage was over, you just didn’t see it”, blah, blah, blah. The one that pissed me off the most was after having one child prior as a single parent, and two with me, she was growing “restless and saddled with the role of wife and mother”. She was tired of providing for everyone else and never getting or having what she wanted. Everyone else was happy, except for her. It was time to make herself happy, she was entitled!

      The idea of delayed gratification never crossed her mind. The moment my first child was born, I understood that a lot of things I planned or hoped for might get put on the back burner for awhile. It doesn’t mean I gave up on any of them…..I just knew there was now something bigger and more important in the intimidate future than solely my needs. I thought we both understood that we could talk and take opportunities as they came to answer some of our needs as individuals and as a couple. Being the chump that I was, I didn’t realize that she felt that included “confiding in an old boyfriend, or the handyman at work”. (Pardon me as I throw up in my mouth a little)

      • Let me be amongst the first to welcome you here. The ‘brotherhood’ may not be as visible here but rest assured we’re here and we’ve been there.

        The “time to chime in” stage will pay off.

      • MST3K (loved that show btw) … OfTS… Bro hugs in the wind, with the Hurricane.

        Another chumped male here. Luckily for me our kids were all grown when this started. Best I can determine is 2011. But not really important now is it?

        I got all the hyperbole and tangential reasons early on for her abandon and discard as well. There are many men here who do not post I’m sure, and for whatever reason(s) I don’t know why. It’s a man thing (pride maybe) I guess from our false societal programming.

        The mere fact that any (wo)man can just walk away from their children is damming. That compartmentalization compartment must leak out everyday in their headspace. Can’t say conscience here because I don’t think they have much left of one left.

        I gladly changed diapers and ‘Dad’ed’ for my daughter. I have the fondest memories of her young years. They came and went too quickly in hindsight. My first wife was not a cheater. She was an alcoholic and I could not fight against my boundary of staying sober myself after 13 years. I had to move on before her alcoholism killed her (Today, 8 years ago). My daughter sent me a text a few minutes ago reminding me. I responded, “I wonder what we’d talk about today if all 3 of us were together”.

        My 2nd wife was the covert serial-cheater. She moved in with her AP#? and walked away from our empty nest life together. I demanded she tell all our adult children the why of our then pending divorce. Image Management followed, “Your dad and I have talked about it and blahblahblah”. I blew that shit out of the water immediately after xw called to tell me she had spoken with all three of them. 3 of 4 have nothing to do with her now. Only her biological daughter forgave (tolerated) her mom. I’m NC with both. The other kids, well we are what’s left of our family. That hasn’t changed but actually has brought us much closer together.

        Blaming kids for an affair.. Get down with the Sickness. It really doesn’t matter in the long run what their rationale is. It’s wrong and unrealistic. I cannot imagine having to go through co-parenting with a Fuckwit.

        The moral decay of our day. Here’s a New definition for EP (Ester Perel)… “Evil Persists”

        I know one thing Men… “We are born again hard” after we go through a the aftermath of Dday.

        • MST3K? Hmm looks like I have a new show to get into — never knew about this (I am from UK so maybe that’s why…?)

          “I know one thing Men… “We are born again hard” after we go through a the aftermath of Dday” — well said @MARCUS–LAZARUS — it’s taken me around a year to get to that point but I know what you mean

          • It’s Mystery Science Theater 3000. It’s about a guy on a space ship who built some robots for company and they watch bad movies together and make fun of them. My friends and I used to watch it allllll the time in high school and college. It’s a good show. 🙂

      • Yes the old “ILUBINILWY” if I only knew then what I know now! That is your notification they are cheating or about to! Mine did the exbf and the 26 year old. Her being 40. I was blessed with seeing some of the texts between her and her pudgy young “stud” vomit a bit? Yes!

    • And you do a good job, OutFromTheShadows, when you point out that it’s not always the man who cheats when children come on the scene. Basically, having a child will reveal which parent is the actual adult in the relationship. Plenty of dads step up to the plate for their kids.

  • When my daughter was only 6 months old and still quite colicky, my x came home from working away for a week and pretty much demanded that his needs be met immediately!

    I told him that I had not showered in two days and needed a bit of personal time first – if he could just watch the baby I would freshen up and then we could reconnect!

    He was so angry. I was only 18 months into this marriage and he let me know that I was in the wrong for denying him his rights. I went to kiss him and he turned his head away.

    Married 14 years and that was the day he stopped kissing me. Never again.

    I think that might have been when he gave himself permission to do whatever he wanted to do to get his needs met. I don’t know.

    I do know that I was the only adult in that relationship. Even my kids are more mature than he is.

    We are now watching the love that can not be denied play out through AP and X’s engagement and wedding plans.

    Oldest daughter has been completely shunned because she is calling her Dad out on his BS and not buying into the insanity that surrounds the big event. She chose to do her education in Europe this year as to escape the entire wing-nut festival.

    I truly don’t care -excited to sit back and watch the shenanigans! But when it effects my kids, watch out….

    Breeding with a fuckwit is the gift that just keeps on giving 🤪

    • Odds are, that by the time that day happened, he was already fucking around for some time. That day stands out to you as odd because his behavior reflects his illogical picking of a fight so that he could have an excuse to justify what he was already doing anyway. In his narrative that day is the reason he cheated. The truth is probably more like he was cheating and that’s the reason for that day of outright rejection.

  • Actually, there is nothing more thrilling, daring or challenging then having sex with kids of ANY age in the house. Babies, got to get the deed done while they are sleeping. Tots . . . put on the tube and hope they don’t need a snack or realize you are gone. Tweens . . . they are like little spies. Teens . . . they are chuckling if mom and dad have the door closed. Talk about sneaking around to get a little nookie! Me and my now husband make a good and challenging joke about tit. It’s a problem? Yes. Adult solution, Immature, pre-pubic twit child solution.

  • While we were getting ready for school picture day last year, he was with the cheating accomplice in a hotel an hour away. He lied to both of us, telling us he was on a business trip.

    While we were carving pumpkins and getting ready for trick or treating, he was at her house fucking her.

    ANYTIME he was with the cheating accomplice, I was with my daughter. And I could not be more grateful I was with my daughter. I would take a bullet for her and it isn’t even in my universe to consider spending time with a cheating partner over her.

    He has moved out and is now a visitor in her life rather than a presence. I am the presence. Yesterday she was giving her new stuffed animal a checkup (all new stuffed animals joining the family get a well-check upon arrival). It was heartbreakingly adorable, even more so because she is eleven. Even though she loves makeup and Musicly and is very much growing up, there is still this sweet side of her childhood lingering. And I was there to see it, to make a video, to enjoy it. Things that people who can’t have children would give a right arm to experience. And if his value system is such that he would prefer the company of Craigslist Casual Sex pond scum, then he doesn’t deserve to be a part of it.
    I wouldn’t trade the joy of being with my daughter for the low energy of lying and fucking pond scum for all of Bill Gate’s money.

    Today is my birthday. My “husband” , I learned later, spent my birthday last year on the phone all day with health care people advocating for his cheating partner, who is from China and doesn’t speak English. She had expressed an interest in riding bicycles with him and so he took her bike shopping. While trying out a bike she crashed it and broke her collarbone. This was around the same time that he had declined my requests to be my gym buddy to help me rehab from nerve damage which had rendered me temporarily handicapped. I don’t need a hundred examples from the affair(s) to prove what a jerk he is and that I should “stop, drop, and run”…..I just need ONE and this one is it. J E R K.

    This birthday today will be happy only because of my daughter, who is right now sleeping in bed next to me. She is my birthday gift, the best gift ever.

    I never want to feel the horror of sleeping in a bed with a cheating partner while my spouse and child were at home, unsuspecting my treachery. These idiots who claim they are unhappy and their solution is to cheat are so far from understanding “happy” and how to have it that they are best left in the quicksand they jumped into. They destroy “happy”.

    • They don’t have time to put into the spouse because of children but they have time for cheating accomplices?

    • Happy Birthday Velvet Hammer.
      There is nothing like sharing your Birthday with a child, especially your best gift in life, of all gifts, YOUR Child.
      I know the feeling, the sparkle in their eye, the happiness of helping to blow out your candles, help you open your thoughtful homemade gifts from them, your greatest treasure, them, her!
      I know the feeling,
      HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

    • Happy Birthday, VH!! Your gift is lovely and cherished as she should be.

      The Xs don’t know how to be happy because they don’t know how to properly love. That’s my opinion. From what I’ve heard, my X still isn’t happy and is floundering with his life choices. Now is the time that he could spend reconnecting with his daughter and son (ages 23 and 22) but that’s not fun or exciting. They will never learn.

      • Thank you all….
        CHUMP CHANGE WISDOM ADVICE

        STAT!

        I just saw a “Happy Birthday _____😀”

        From my “husband”, aka The Reason It Is The Worst Birthday Of My Entire Life Except For My Daughter Who Is Incredibly
        Wonderful.

        He has also been texting my daughter the last two days to remind her it is my birthday to “think of things you can do to make it more special”

        On one hand, WTF?!!!
        On the other hand, would I rather be NOT do this?

        Mindfuck escape hatch Chumps, please….

        (I have so far not responded or mentioned my birthday to him)

        • It’s more Image Management and he’s trying to convince your daughter that whatever the hell he’s telling her to do is more important than demonstrating the important values in person.

          Whatever, Asshole.

          Happy Birthday, VH!

          • Sometimes, I think that it is possible that they are trying to do what is right. Perhaps, they wake up some morning and realize that they have been pretty shitty and vow to do better. But, it’s like a New Year’s resolution: they intend to do better, they try, and then they forget again. It’s a mindfuck. They get to feel like a good person for a little while, then they continue to feel like they are a good person when they stop because they intended to be good. For whatever reason, they feel that “intent” is just as good.

      • Thank you Tempest! This weekend I think I saw light at the end of the sewage tunnel I am currently crawling through!

    • Happy Birthday Velvet!!! I adore your description of your 11 year old daughter. I have one too, and they are absolute perfection. Growing, changing, sponging up knowledge and social cues but still loving, sweet and innocent. The sass and awkwardness is yet to come. Just for this period of time they are confident in themselves and their potential. I am so glad you are enjoying this time and have the strength and belief in yourself as a mother. Embrace it and embrace your mighty spirit.

  • This has reminded me of about four or five months ago, when my 5yo began asking questions about why she didn’t have a dad around (real answer – because when you were 6 months old, I discovered he had been cheating with prostitutes all his adult life in every relationship he’d ever had, including our marriage. I threw him out, divorced him, was granted 100% custody and an extra protection order for complete control of your whereabouts after he threatened to abduct you to his home country thousands of miles away. He left when his spousal visa was revoked and he failed to obtain a parental visa).

    Obviously, not age appropriate.

    It’s been about four years since he left and I think she was asking because of course she had seen her nursery friends with their dads and she was getting ready to start school.

    I decided to take a look online for some advice about what to say when a parent is no longer in your kid’s life. I decided years ago I would always tell the truth about why I divorced him, but needed some help in explaining why he wasn’t around.

    MISTAKE!

    It was absolutely horrible – the advice out there. The general gist, is that you make the absent parent into a hero, get lots of nice photos of them up around the home, and talk about how wonderful they are to your child every day, and also hope and pray that they might come back, in which case, all the hero worshipping will have prepared your child to welcome the absent parent back with loving arms now that they’ve seen the error of their ways and just need some hugs and understanding.
    I read this as: How to help your child to grow up to be a doormat. Teach them how to suck up abuse and hinge their happiness and self-worth on people who treat them badly in a few easy steps.

    It was the same old shit advice about staying with an adulterer but aimed at a different angle.

    Needless to say, I disregarded my online findings. I wonder if the people writing these kinds of articles about affairs and parenting realise the potential damage they can cause with their shit advice.

    • I told my youngest, who was five when her father left and basically stopped all contact, that he was just not a person who was capable of love and kindness and being a good dad and husband. Daddy had a girlfriend and married people weren’t supposed to have other girlfriends. That is why I was not married to him anymore and he CHOSE not to visit her and her sister. That’s it. That she, her sister and I DESERVED love and kindness and so we would never be around him.

      • Thank you for that. It sounds like the best, easiest and truthful explanation.
        In the beginning, when she was still a baby, I lost months of sleep and half my body weight worrying that I had done the wrong thing by refusing FaceTime or Skype with him to see her. He was back in his home country and I had just gotten back on my feet and had moved into a new house after living with my father (I’d been on maternity leave from work when I discovered everything).

        But I just couldn’t bring myself to invite his face into my new house via the internet, where I would have to hold up the iPad in front of the now 1year old (at the time). I couldn’t also bring myself to believe that growing up with him via a computer screen would be a good thing for her. I really resented all the moral decisions I was forced to make because of his actions in the first place!

        ANyway, he emailed and said he’d come back to this country with a work visa. I told him that if that ever happened, then we could slowly build up child contact. Needless to say, it never happened. I used to feel so guilty though, and then my lawyer said to me “The family court has granted you the power to make all the decisions for your daughter. Your husband, after everything’s he done and everything that’s happened since, should show her the tiniest bit of consideration, by leaving her to grow up in peace.”
        That really helped me. Perhaps I just needed some validation after having my self-confidence ripped to shreds. So I’ll have all that to explain too. Joy! Still, the only way is the truth depending on her age. And she’s the happiest little thing – life is good and I feel so blessed to have gotten out the other side of this.

  • An underacknowledged factor, particularly for women, is the feeling that marriage and parenthood has cost them their identity—

    Here’s a radical thought. Maybe your identity is parent! Like with the high-waisted jeans and lame jokes. What if you just EMBRACE it, and feel super thankful to have babies and a partner who will go through the sucky bits with you.

    Look, I know it’s not a yoga retreat in the desert or a Keto diet feed on Instagram, it’s just your progeny. But much like a social media following, children need care and attention too.

    Wow, this sounds familiar!! Exact words I heard “I lost 15 years of my life raising the kids”, followed by “the kids had nothing to do with our relationship”.

    • Right fucking on, Chumpman!

      “I lost 15 years of my life raising kids”?!!!
      “LOST”? That’s your attitude? That was your life and your attitude is what wasted it! I just watched an episode of Homicide Hunter where a woman hired two guys to steal a baby because she had a miscarriage!!

      The gift of the identity crisis I experienced after having my daughter was that the only thing I am, my identity, is my SPIRIT.
      Everything else changes and is NOT my identity. Even my BODY changes. If I base my identity on anything transitory I am off base.

      And this includes the recent reminder that MY IDENTITY IS NOT BEING A WIFE, ESPECIALLY HIS WIFE. I AM STILL ME.
      And NO ONE can take that away from me.

    • Uuuum di these people forget that THEY CHOSE the identity of parent? How can you say you lost something when you actively worked to obtain something else? ILLOGICAL.

    • One of the biggest worries I had as someone who wanted children is that I wouldn’t be able to have them. I know too many couples who have experienced great loss– miscarriages, unable to have children even after expensive rounds of IVF– and I was SO grateful that I was fortunate enough to have my children so easily. Ex-cheater and I were married for six years before we had kids, and we spent plenty of time traveling, going out on dates, and enjoying plenty of alone time before our eldest came along. I knew that my life would change radically when I had kids, and although there were times when it was tough and I was exhausted, I knew that it was only a small part of what I wanted no matter what– to be a mom.

      People need to give having children more thought. It’s no surprise that parenting isn’t easy. People need to be adults and admit that parenting is not for them and then find other people to date who also don’t want children. I think my ex felt he had to have kids because it’s “what is done.” He would have done me a huge favor if he had just admitted that he didn’t want any. Instead, my kids are now paying the price for a man who pulls back from them more and more each day. They don’t deserve that.

  • Apparently, it isn’t only young children who cause cheating. My early retired cheating ex took up flying as a hobby and explained that each time he flew off on an overnight trip to screw one of his affair partners, it was because he was ‘pissed off’ at me for being ‘overly focussed’ on our four children ages 8-16. He would ask me to come along, knowing that if I did, there would be no one to cook dinner, do the school run, supervise the homework and effectively BE the parent. (All our family live overseas.)After DDay he told me’You we’re always invited! And then later, ‘You were married to the kids!’
    Nothing could be further from the truth. I loved that damaged, selfish jerk completely and spackled and pick me’d for years whilst trying to be the best mother and wife I could be.

    • Nomocake

      But you were invited!!!!!!
      What this poor sad lonely man can do, when you choose dreadfull behavior of being an ADULT and RESPONSIBLE parent?
      Such a fun killer…. leave the kids, entertain your husband at once!!!

      🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮

    • My ex was upset that I didn’t share his love of flying. He wanted me to learn to fly as well. His learning to fly and then owning maintaining/hangering an airplane took loads of time and money throughout the years. With our three kids (he wanted four), it really wouldn’t have been feasible for me to do the same and I just didn’t have the same interest as he did which proved we had “nothing in common” (although I did enjoy going along as a passenger and being the navigator back when he still cared about spending time with me).

      I read books instead. He hated that because it was another thing that got my attention instead of him, but I needed something to do while waiting for him to come home late at night after being off flying (and having an emotional affair with his female flight instructor).

  • Also from the article: “Another common occurrence is when fathers of very young children look for sex outside the home to distract from the fear that they aren’t adequate inside the home, Huizenga says. “Often, it’s the male who doesn’t know how to respond to parenting or doesn’t know how to support his wife,” he says. “He may resent the fact that the children are getting the attention he used to get. Or he hasn’t quite grown up yet, and is in his extended adolescence and doesn’t want to assume responsibility for a family.””

    My ex-cheater showed up in all his Narcissistic Personality Disordered glorified self within hours after our son was born. I have many, many instances to point to odd behavior, but here’s just a few.

    Son spent first five days of his life in the hospital due to dehydration (doc thought it was more — long story). So day six was my first day home with our son, all by myself. I was afraid as a new mom as it was all so new. Ex came into the nursery before he left for work, and coldly said to me, “When are you going to start writing in his calendar (baby book) to start documenting what he’s doing? I didn’t get any “Have a good day!” or “I’ll miss you two. I love you.” I got devaluing and judgement. I got right on writing in his baby book calendar. And guess what? The time capsule tin containers that he was going to do for both our children NEVER EVER GOT DONE. More of do as I say and not as I do.

    Then a day or so later, back in the nursery before he heads out, “When are you going to start using the cloth diapers?” said to me cold and mean. I got right on that too!

    And here’s my big story that only finally made sense when I started to learn about NPD and sociopaths: My mom and sister came to visit from out-of-state. Son was maybe a little over a week old. Son cried every evening for the first few months of his life — collic I guess. All this happened in front of my mom and sister. He grabbed our crying son and started paging through the book “Parenting for Dummies.” He was looking for information on how to get a baby to stop crying! I said NICELY to him, “Give me the baby and I will nurse him; he’ll stop crying.” He raised his voice and said, “He’s my child too. I can figure out how to get him to stop crying.” So he’s holding our crying son in one arm and paging through a book with the other. I looked over at my mom and sister, and they looked kinda shocked. I asked him nicely again to give me the baby and he refused. This went on for a few minutes. He then went down into our unfinished basement with the baby and I followed him. He stood against the concrete block wall, holding our crying son. I asked him again for the baby and he grabbed him tighter and said, “I’m the father. I can get him to stop crying. No you cannot have him.” I walked away upset and defeated. Back upstairs, my sister said, “What’s going on with him?” I said I didn’t know. “Fixer” me thought that maybe my ex felt unwanted or something because I was a nursing mom. So I spent a good deal of time the next day pumping milk to make a bottle for my ex to feed our son. When he came home from work, I told my ex that he could feed our son with the bottle I made. He sat down on the couch with our son. What did he say to me, “TAKE MY PICTURE.” I have tons more stories of my ex-cheater being threatened by not being the center of attention. I know we are not supposed to untangle the skein of f-upedness, but connecting the dots and putting a name to why he did the things he did, helped my brain to heal.

    My ex also had an affair of some sorts with a ho-worker while I was pregnant with #2. He also f’d around over ten times with 100% naked strippers when I was pregnant with #2. He’s been seeing women behind my back since before we got married. I poured close to 100% of my energy and attention into my husband and kids. But it was never enough for him, because he wanted ALL THE ATTENTION for himself and he also needed to have attention from ho-workers and “friends” too. He’s a bottomless pit of need. A baby/adolescent in an adult body. He’s selfish, self-centered and entitled to what he wants, when he wants it. He’s his mommies “Perfect and Special Son”. Yeah, he’s a perfect pathological liar, serial cheater, serial adulterer, porn masterbater, stripper f-er and lied-filled wife slanderer. Oh, and he’s a “nice guy” Christian too. How nice that you can just “ask Jesus into your heart” and then do whatever you want after that, because you are “saved” and going straight to heaven no matter what horrible things you do. Jesus Cheaters are a special brand of disordered f-wits!

    • These assholes cheat on God too. They say one thing about Jesus and do another. I think they forget that he is not fooled by their image management. There is surely a special place in hell for Jesus cheaters!

  • Cheating is abuse.

    How can such a long article about infidelity not mention STDs? Specifically, where to go to get tested, which panels to ask for, timelines of seroconversion, the differences between a sexually transmitted virus vs. infection, and treatment options.

    Is it not sexy enough for you Today’s Parent Monthly? Does it too easily highlight the lack of consent the betrayed has in making decisions that directly impact their health? Does it too easily showcase the abusive nature of cheating?

    • YES. One sentence says it all. Three words.

      Repeat, aloud, thousands of times. Daily. Until
      it sinks in.

      CHEATING IS ABUSE. Esther Perez has wasted countless amounts of times explaining it. I explained it in one second. I now stop, drop, and run and am free to spend my time doing things that make me happy, like spending time with my daughter who actually loves me and knows how to have authentic, actual fun that doesn’t involve hurting people.

  • I made the mistake of clicking through to the “parenthood has cost them their identity” link, and now I fear I may not get anything done today.

    “I love my kids, I’m a kick-ass mom, but I’m SO resentful/minimized/jealous of the childless who have such fabulous lives . . . and NOBODY understands.”

    I’ll admit to it being a trigger for me because of KK, but I just can’t stomach the “I didn’t think it would be so hard!” mentality. When you make the decision to have kids, you are supposed to be all in — ALL in. It doesn’t mean carving out time for yourself isn’t important. It doesn’t mean you have to be perfect. It doesn’t mean you can’t expect full partnership/commitment from your spouse on getting the job done, especially during the difficult first 10 year. It doesn’t mean you forfeit the right to a “you.”

    It DOES mean that you willingly give up primacy of your own urges, indulgences, preferences, etc. to live up to the responsibility you took on. As Sidney Poitier’s character said to his father in “Guess Who’s Coming To Dinner”:

    “You tell me what rights I’ve got or haven’t got, and what I owe to you for what you’ve done for me. Let me tell you something. I owe you nothing! If you carried that bag a million miles, you did what you’re SUPPOSED to do! Because you brought me into this world. And from that day YOU owed ME — everything YOU could ever do for ME, like I will owe my son if I ever have another.”

    (Aside: I introduced KK to this movie when we were dating, and she had a very pronounced and animated reaction to these words: “That’s RIGHT!! That’s exactly RIGHT!! So many parents don’t understand this!!…” In the back of my mind I sensed it was some kind of projection. If I knew then what I know now . . .)

  • Typical whore pucky… the blame-shifting is unreal with these monsters.

    In the mix for my situation was that he was also a raging abusive alcoholic who couldn’t understand why i lost my interest in having sex. Amongst being suspicious he was cheating, he treated me like shit, passed out on top of me during sex. Hmm, scratch my head. I mean, who isn’t down for that? “I’ll tell you all day how worthless you are, on occasion when I’m drunk i will bruise and break you, then other times i want to have sloppy sex until i pass out and smother you under my enormous overweight ass. Sounds like Disneyland to me, right???

    He also tried to tell me, 3 days post C-section that i wasn’t considerate of his needs. Then shortly thereafter followed by you spend too much time awake with the baby, there’s no time for me anymore..ugh. Despite my trying to, despite my begging he cut back/quit drinking, i apparently signed, sealed and delivered his hall pass for cheating too. It was all my fault.

    After years, i finally decided to sign, seal and deliver divorce papers. I still wonder how i put up with it for as long as i did. If i were to guess, I’d say these types hook their primary source by impregnating them. He knew I valued family above anything else, with that being said, he knew I would standby while he was free to tear our lives to shreds. It’s sincerely pathological. Who does that?

    • Mine was a stinking, violent drunk too. Talk about “lie back and think of England” when the Twat got brewer’s droop!

      • Ba-ha-ha-ha… Brewer’s droop..i never even knew what that meant until now, thank you Urban Dictionary and thank you Attie💗…. But YES.. BD was definitely a factor as well as ED (erectile dysfunction) and MDDW (my dick don’t work)… The sick part is i am a nurse and for a while I really tried to help cure his limp dick with the lure of stop drinking, testosterone therapy and much love (awh)… With that we could conquer the world…together.I really believed there was a solution, but alas, his limp dick was pumping hoes while i took care of the kids, stayed at home while he was deployed, took care of our son with disabilities. It’s a wonder why it didn’t work out (??). Gahh!!! SMH.. So glad to be done with it and the mind f*ck. So glad. But still to this day (almost 3 years out) my heart hurts for my children and the “family” they lost… All so an abusive cheating narc could destroy our family for a whore (or 2, or 3, or 4). Ugh! But I’m over it, lol.

  • If one feels like they need to be someone else, maybe that’s the problem! Sure everyone has room for self-improvement, but cheating wouldn’t fall under the self-improvement umbrella; unless of course you are a raging narcissist.

    Intentionally hurting someone else for your own benefit – narcissistic! ….And enough with the “it wasn’t intentional” bit! Hopping two plans to another continent is fucking intentional!

    Offering your kids up as pawns – disordered as fuck!

    I put a portion of the blame on our family court system for setting the standard at fostering parent/child relationships at the expense of any sort of moral, ethical, or otherwise decent values. Of course each parent should have a right to a relationship with their kids, but the standard of behavior has been set at sneaking, lying, omissions, etc. “Look kids, if we put lipstick on this pig it becomes a princess!” Kids don’t need protection from truth, they need protection from an entitled parents lack of self control.

    -Introduce your kids to your smoopsie while on the way to file divorce papers, no problem.

    -Give your kids other parent an incurable STI, no big deal. What really matters is maintaining the illusion that the other parent is great.

    What really matters here is the freedom to be someone new. Collateral damage? Eh sorry, That’s a private issue. What does matter is the magnifying lense put on the responses of the victims of the collateral damage. In other words, it’s not my behavior, it’s your response to it. Context holds no place in self-discovery.

    It’s sad that cheating is a human right, but the natural consequences of cheating are otherwise considered a violation of the rights of the cheater. I feel like as a society our progression to new age enlightenment (read entitlement) completely misses the idea that we live in society. The basic premise of which is, your right to swing your fist ends where my nose begins! You want to cheat, go ahead, but let’s not forget I have a right not to be cheated on! How do we solve that dilemma? Assign it to no fault.

    Okay, I’m done ranting! The shit sandwich I was force fed seems to have given me heartburn and Distracted me from my path to MEH! My verbal vomiting seems to have alleviated the burn. Pulling out my map to Meh.

    🎶 on the road again🎶

  • “Why Mommy Suddenly Moved in with Someone Else”
    “Why Daddy Parked his Car in the Alley Behind that Floozie’s Apartment”
    “How to talk frankly about STD’s with your children — when you got it from your spouse”

  • To some extent, our children did play a role as a catalyst or at least an excuse for much (though not all) of ex’s perceived dissatisfaction with his marriage. Not that they are to blame. They were just children being children. Even ex doesn’t blame them, he blames me for the loss of attention and romance resulting from my efforts to raise our children to his standards. Ex is to blame for not understanding that children require time and attention which, by necessity, leaves less time and attention for the spouse. Ex is to blame for not recognizing that kids crying in the middle of the night interrupting love making doesn’t mean that the marriage has lost its spark and the spouse is no good and/or not interested in sex. Ex is to blame for not understanding that children keep your lives busy which can make parents tired and less energetic during sex and that there may also be less time for additional romance before and after. Ex is the blame for failing to realize that raising kids is something we were doing together as a team that could and should have created a stronger bond between us. Ex is to blame for not understanding that children don’t come out of the womb as perfect little adults who do everything they are told and are exactly the people you want them to be and that fact of life isn’t your spouse’s fault. Ex is to blame for not recognizing that the distractions of parenthood are finite and that we could have had more time for each other as they got older if he hadn’t been too busy nursing grudges and negative perceptions and feelings of neglect formed when they were infants and toddlers. Ex is to blame for thinking that my attempting to teach the kids rather than control the kids (his preferred method) meant that I was trying to undermine his parenting and I “didn’t have his back” (he wanted me to play bad cop so he could play good cop). Ex is at fault for being a blithering idiot and selfish entitled asshole.

  • I’m with Dr. Simon on this. There is a “character crisis facing the industrialized world” and too little “public outcry…. In fact, we’ve become all too accepting of the fact that the responsible among us are dwindling in number.”

    Seems the self-centered are taking over the world. To borrow the frequent Twitter response used by one world famous narcissist: “SAD!”

  • Just thinking here….it took him 20 years to learn to roll down the car window after he farted (without me asking). Why am I surprised by him?

  • One interesting thing about the article is how none of those marriages really worked out. Even the guy who was so scared he was going to lose his wife and family, apologized, never blamed his wife… later in the article it says he had another affair, and now he and his wife are no longer intimate and both involved with other people, but sharing a living arrangement for the kids. The best thing his wife can say about him is that she loves her kids more than she hates him. What a life. Is that supposed to be a success story? It sounds like a PSA on why staying with a cheater is a terrible idea.

    I really don’t understand the whole “it was the kids” nonsense. Was caring for kids difficult? I dunno… life is difficult. But kids do give you quite a lot of return too. I don’t even know why people say teens are difficult. Teens are awesome. They bathe themselves and take out the trash. They have intelligent conversations and bring you dinner when you are sick. Sure, they have their bad moments, but so do I.

    What were these people expecting? Kids that could diaper themselves? Teens that work full-time jobs to pay for their own food?

    I think it’s just the usual Cheater nonsense–that it is everyone else’s fault and not theirs. They will throw a whole lot of nonsense against the wall and see what sticks. If it wasn’t “the kids,” it would be “the dog.” Or “the time dinner was burned” or “how working full-time is not allowing me to explore myself as a person.”

    They just cast around until they find bullshit that people actually take seriously.

  • Oh yes, the blaming of the children! When blaming the spouse gets to cliche, throw your own flesh and blood under the bus. One of the reasons x gave for cheating was the hard time my daughterhad with puberty TEN YEARS before dday. And yes he told her this. Way to try and make a child responsible for the implosion of the family.

  • The Today’s Parents article absolutely disgusts me. And it reminds me of something Lord Cheater Pants said shortly after Dday this past April. Among the many excuses for his pathetic behavior (lying,cheating with skanky ho-worker, abandoning his wife and children, the list goes on…) was “you paid too much attention to the kids” or something along those lines🤮🤮🤮. At the time, I internalized this and accepted it as valid (I guess I was in shock & still processing the nuclear explosion that had just went off on my family). After all, his skanky howorker was single, no children and never wants children (let’s all pray that holds true), spent all her time at the gym and obsessing over her diet, and in a nutshell had ZERO RESPONSIBILITY-kinda like me when I was 15. So I must be less than with my mom body, school meetings, dance classes, homemade dinners, and full time career, right? I mean he picked her over me right? This is how I felt initially. It was hard because I found out while I was struggling to keep it all together, they were cavorting all over Mexico, Las Vegas, and God knows where else-I saw the Twu Wuv vacation photos to prove how fun they were together. Me, I was just boring old reliable chumpy me, snow blowing the driveway while more intresting people pranced on the sandy beaches of Mexico. I internalized all this and my greatest fear grew, I was a boring person and if I had only been more carefree, interesting, I would not be in this mess-it was my fault; I wanted to be a mother tsk tsk. This went on for awhile, and was egged on by Lord Cheater Pants and our marriage counselor of one month (thank God wreckonciliation was brief-I cringe now). But eventually I found chump lady and CN and found out that there are a whole lot of people out there proudly be “boring” and “un-fabulous”. I started doing all the things that I wanted to do with my kids that LCP would poo-poo, while still getting the laundry and the grocery shopping done. So I realized something, he was the boring one-no imagination once so ever, always the same vacations, restaurants ect. So I will proudly be that parent who puts her children’s needs first-it’s what we signed up for; screw him if he won’t hang around for our kid’s childhood. BTW looks like the fabulous life is loosing it’s sparkle texts like what are you guys doing for thanksgiving or how was that Maroon 5 concert DD told me about, come up now & go unanswered.

    • What great insight! And you rock!!! Mighty, mighty, mighty. I was ditched by Dr. Cheaterpants (both of us 48 years old) for DD14’s 20-something asst sports coach in our kids’ Catholic high school. She has no kids, living the single life, runs and exercises, always hair and makeup done. Me, well I’m the mommy body plus some pudge. Always putting everyone else first. Did all the adulting and still do while cheater and schmoopie are out living the high life.

      The way I see it though, I have everything and he has nothing but a ho and a lot of bills/debt by now. I really am the lucky one. Thank you for your post. Many a new chump need this reframing.

    • My ex’s Schmoopie has five children. That makes her superior to me because I was only willing to give him three. That and she still had plenty of time for ex because she was perfectly happy to neglect her kids in her pursuit of someone else’s husband by leaving them in the hands of her supposedly alcoholic and lousy father now ex husband. Whatever they have they just want something different.

      • Sorry their father not hers.

        Also, I was evidently the one who neglected our kids because I had a career but I still gave them too much attention (instead of him) when I got home.

  • Aww poor little man. While his wife was being a parent and putting the children’s needs first. He had to find a new friend to plat with. All cheaters are the same. They are soooo neglected at home that they are forced to screw around.

    In my case me having a difficult time with menopause force my stbx to screw around with skankella. Cheaters cheat because they want to and feel entitled. And they have willing pos men or women that will knowing screw a married man or women. As long as their needs are met who gives a flying rats ass who gets hurt.

  • This is an interesting topic. I was the main caregiver. I did all the cooking, most cleaning, taking kiddo to school and picking her up, helping with the homework. This unfortunately and apparently created some after work time for XW for meetups with massage boy. Looking back though XW really changed when child was born- being a mother wasn’t really for her and later being a wife wasn’t for her either. She wanted the image of it- just not the work/responsibility.

    On the lust topic- XW finally did there at the end admit to that as her motivator. She still threw in her sadsaugeness about being “broken” blah, blah,blah. I remember she became a follower of the 50Shades of Grey hysteria. I don’t think I fit into the lust fantasies that began to take over her brain.

    Not my monkeys, not my circus anymore. I must admit though I chuckle when kiddo complains about XW cooking, cleaning, laundry experiences though. All the stuff she didn’t want to be involved in she now HAS to do during her weeks. So funny.

  • My X also said that the advent of our children was the beginning of his issues with me. I know I changed when I had kids. I grew up. I didn’t want to stroke his ego 24/7 anymore, and I had personal power that I didn’t have prior to kids. I suddenly was a great deal more important and far less disposable. I think some men have culture shock from the transformation of their wives when they become mothers. That said, it doesn’t cause cheating. I am virtually certain cheating was happening from the beginning of our relationship.

  • One of the comments I heard from the asshat was ‘I left you, not the kids’ and ‘They are blood you are not’. I also got, ‘you coudln’t even sit on the couch with me, or sit next to me, you were always running around doing errands, laundry and cleaning the house’ Only also to be told I am a slob and never did anything. Its all such crap. All of it. Now he has a howorker 20 years younger then him, that the kids inform me all she does is clean the house, everytime they are there she is always cleaning. And she hates football – which he loves. I don’t ask about this stuff. But it does make me chuckle in my head.

    • Impossible to meet their standards as they keep changing….you clean too much…..the house is a pigsty…….you ignore me……you are too clingy…….CAN.NOT.WIN. So don’t even try. Also I’ve said it before but I really want to knock out the teeth of the cheater that states “I left you not the kids”. The reality is the cheater that uses that statement has usually abandoned the kids as well. It’s just another cruel zinger they throw at you. Taking the knife and twisting it sort of thing. Oh and as for the younger skank……two possible scenarios. She could become bored and resentful with cheater staying in, watching TV and letting her clean up after his kids. Stage right, exit left. Or she is a real nut job (having a relationship with a married man with kids is not normal) and cheater will be stuck with a psycho.

    • //One of the comments I heard from the asshat was ‘I left you, not the kids’ and ‘They are blood you are not’.//
      It hurts my heart to hear the terrible words that were spoken to you. Had he paid any attention to the classes prior to marriage, he would know that the 2 of you were made into one, new person when you made vows (if neither was married before, or one or both were widowed). That makes the 2 of you closer than blood, and it ends at the death of one of you. It makes your children have the blood of the one new soul,…and not the blood of one or the other of you. There is a waning regard for the truth of a marriage, and even less knowledge of what really takes place.

  • This reads like a Ladie’s Home Journal article from the 60s and 70s. Painful. The awkward “Can This Marriage Be Saved” section.

  • STBX has made our kids the subject of several of his blameshifting comments. “We had them too young! I missed out on my twenties! I would try to be intimate with you, but you could never relax.” (Speaking of the rare occasion his affection withholding self would actually proposition me for sex, it was usually with two kids underfoot while trying to make dinner).

    The mind-boggling thing is that he started cheating (that I know of…) when the kids were finally hitting that sweet self-sufficient stage. By all calculations, we had more time for each other, for sex, for dates, etc. He took the energy and time he could have been pouring into us and directed it elsewhere. So he can f uck right off with that “it was because of the kids” nonsense.

    • Ha! Mine complained that we waited too long to have kids and we didn’t have enough of them and yet he couldn’t handle the ones we had when we had them and they didn’t live up to his standards.

  • This isn’t just related to younger children. My kids are now in their 40’s. One is mildly autistic but needs a lot of support and the other one has an incurable disease that has meant major surgeries and then a stem cell transplant. The alien fuckwit said the weekend before he did his disappearing act that we ‘should never have had children’. This man told his son when he was worried about him stealing money after he left that he ‘didn’t have to tell you anything’ and hung up repeatedly. He has never explained anything to his kids and has minimal contact. This is certainly about his character or rather lack of it. He is as his mother put it ‘one cold fish’.

    I think he thought I should just walk away and not give them support when they were at their lowest. Do I think that would have changed the outcome? No I think he would have just gone off anyway after his twu luv. This was not my fault and nor was it my kids fault. It is all on him.

  • Spot on, Chump Lady, you made me laugh out loud today! I remember when I was home on maternity leave almost two decades ago (starting the years-long process of single parenting as a married person), and I was watching one of those daytime talk shows. A couple was on the show, and the husband was lamenting how his spouse didn’t have enough time for his needs since they had kids. The show’s resident “expert” turned to the wife and urged her to figure out a way to carve out more time for her spouse, dress sexy, have date nights, cook him meals. That was the expert’s advice. Not a word to the spouse. I was incredulous that no one stated the obvious — you might see improvement if you were to get off your entitled A$$ and help. I can’t believe we are still hearing this same narrative.

  • ‘Any moment you can’t look me in the face anymore, I’m out.’

    Classic. You cheat, then you make a statement like this to make your spouse feel responsible if the family breaks apart.

    My ex did this, too. Put it all on me whether we kept our family together or not. I choose my family and it just got me a dday#2 and teenagers who were angry at me for staying and keeping dday#1 a secret from them.

    No surprise that later in the article, the husband cheated again.

  • Remember that old song: “Wives and Lovers” or some such. I can remember hearing that song when I was a young Mum. What drivel ! Things really haven’t changed it’s still the women’s responsibility to keep her man happy. Add to this, a generation that’s terrified of growing older and all the nonsense articles like this only in Today’s Parent and well, seems you can justify any behaviour.
    In my own family my 50 year old DIL decided to end her 20 year marriage for an affair and her justification was “she wanted her children to see her happy” the kids are 12,14 & 17 and were devastated.
    It truly is a self absorbed society.

  • In the beginning of our marriage we both agreed not to have children because it was more important to let him focus on his “music career” (that did not ever go anywhere or make any money) I even looked into getting my tubes tied to make sure no children happened but doctor said I was too young and I should wait. Married 10 years in and still no “music career” success. I was 31 and I changed my mind, I did want to have a child (thanks doc for not letting me make it permanent) I convinced him that having a child would not hinder his “music career” which was still not having any success so we had our daughter which I absolutely have no regrets about, she is my greatest gift I have ever been given. She is 16 now.

    In the last year or so, I began to see how narcissistic he is and that the music thing was never going to stop, it seemed to me that maybe he needed to be on his own so he could really focus on his music without the responsibilities that comes with having to work full time, pay rent, car payments, put food on the table, take care of kiddo etc. This was initially why we were going to split up, so he could solely focus on his music because he made me feel that “family life” was holding him back. What boggles my mind is how he found his new girlfriend on “Meet Mindful” and moved in with her and her teenage son within a couple month’s time of the decision to split up. They live in a 1 bedroom apartment and he’s in the same kind of “day job” that he’s hated all 28 years that we were together I am sure he’s still trying to do music on some level.. Regardless, he’s in love and happy I guess. It makes absolutely no sense to me, he moved 3 hours away from our daughter without any regard as to how it would affect her or their relationship. He says that 3 hours is not that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things.

  • My suggestion for this idiotic magazine is “How to introduce your flatterfucks to your kids”. Sparkledick’s contribution would be: invite son to spend the weekend at his favorite national park and surprise him by bringing along flatterfuck and her four kids. All the while innocent wife (good ole chump here) is overseas working.

    The editors have to read Alison Gopnik, they might just change their editorial line and stop dumping their “parenting strategies” garbage on us. Like the RIC, this is another dishonest industrial complex.

  • Yep, what I am getting here is that it’s about centrality. And childishness of the worst kimd – the kind That certain adults never grow out of. Some cheaters act like you’ve decided to get a new best friend on purpose to screw with them, when you give birth, and so they were forced to go find another person that would make them the boss in the relationship again who got to say what games the’d play together and what was fun and cool about them. They treat it like you’ve been disloyal to their personal club, instead of just fulfilling your responsibilities that you agreed to take on when you created a life together and brought it into this world. They definitely display a deficit in the ability- to-adult skill set.
    I had this in my case, having a baby simultaneously freaked him out but also trggered an impulse in him to undermine me at a time when I was at my most vulnerable in totally unchartered territory.

  • Mine told me that he took Russian Whore to Paris on vacation instead of me (who had never had a vacation sans kids in 15 years) because it was too difficult to schedule with the kids. So much easier, to take a woman who doesn’t speak the same language as you on multiple international trips while ignoring your actual wife and kids. He would fly her from Russia, and fly himself to meet her. Then he said, “well, you traveled a lot before we married, I never did.” So…yes, the solution to that problem is to go on fuck tests with a strange woman instead of the actual woman who has raised your kids, stood by your in multiple career moves, etc.

    Did I mention that they didn’t share a common language? Yet, she was such a good, spiritual woman. Umm…we call that an escort, where I’m from.

    They are all entitled dicks.

    • Hey, tell that fuckface that you know a woman WHO TOOK HER 14 MONTH OLD BABY to Paris and had the best vacation of her life. She had more passport stamps at 5 years old than I did at age 30. I am so sorry you duped into marriage with such an unappreciative heartless humanoid alien life form.

  • Adulting is difficult. It is made even more difficult when there are 5 children involved…..one of which is my bonus child (I hate the term “step” and so does she). But he was “working” so hard to provide for us through all the early years that he was never home(he was in someone else’s bed “working” on making the flavor of the month happy) and and I was not only working full time outside the home but doing all the full time parenting too…unless it was something fun….then he would find the time to do that with the kids. I was so busy working and parenting, I didn’t realize that we were not taking vacations, (family or otherwise) that I wearing the same clothing I had been wearing for 10 years and he always had something new, we were not dining out(and when we dis, we were gone no more than an hour and he went out after….”I am not paying a sitter for more….you stay home”), and that the house was falling apart around me. When I finally realized that my kids knew he was screwing around with Blondie McFakeboobs (that it turns out I paid for)…that was enough for me. over the course of the next few months and years, I realized the amount of debt he racked up …spending on everything from expensive dinners with his pals, to clothing, to vacations (for himself, friends and McFakeboobs).
    Adulting….paying the bills, taking the kids to the dentist, fixing the house, attending parent/teacher conferences, homework, laundry, yardwork, cooking meals/making lunches…..its all not very glamorous nor fun. But real parents…adults….step up and do the work.

  • “Unless, of course, we change the cultural narrative to accept the needs of your throbbing dick as Right and Natural. (Oops, I thought several generations of feminism were trying to UNdo preciously that, but Today’s Parent didn’t get the memo.)”

    Yeah, I always thought that it was exactly the outdated outlook of society that a women’s value was directly proportionate to the desirability of her body and the objectification of women that feminists were fighting against and that ‘female empowerment’ was all about equality of the sexes.
    Obviously I was confused as almost all ’empowered” women in the entertainment industry appear to believe that equality of the sexes means that they prostitute their bodies for fame and fortune THEMSELVES as opposed to men doing it to them.
    It won’t win me any popularity contests but I strongly believe that as long as women allow their bodies to be viewed as a source of entertainment for men, equality will never exist and as a consequence a lot of men will continue to view women as interchangeable.
    Female empowerment is about garnering sexual equality in a world still dominated by the will of men, no about how much money you can make by taking your clothes off.

  • “Female empowerment is about garnering sexual equality in a world still dominated by the will of men, no about how much money you can make by taking your clothes off.”

    I’m sorry, I meant to say “human equality” not “sexual equality.”

    • Rest assured that their penance is being shunned by decent intelligent people whose feelings are wired properly.

  • Two weeks before my youngest’s 18th birthday, xh decided to move in with girlfriend. Cut off all support, removed all cash/savings and had his attorney to tell my daughter to “get a job” to help out. He made 150k a year.
    His attorney was as personally degrading as he was.

    He reclaimed her used car (my former car, which is how she got to work) and “forgot” all about her college and education.

    Bought him and schmoopie a HUGE new house, and says he’s broke, too broke to help her — but wonders why kids don’t want to have an “adult” relationship with him. Total piece of shit.

  • My ex flat out told me he never wanted kids. We have two daughters. He told me he “let” me have them because he knew I wanted them. Yep….he’s a gem!!!! He did tell me that he loves them tho. And he shows that love by never reaching out to them (unless he needs to know details about my life, then he texts or calls them) and he lives 15 minutes away and hasn’t seen them in over a month! Can’t believe I was ever married to this waste of oxygen!

  • Regarding…

    “NO, Today’s Parent, NO. The answer to accepting Jason’s throbbing dick “needs” as right and natural IS NOT to permit the same sort of blithering narcissism to Rachel. Ooh goody! We have douche parity!”

    … I’ve seen this plastered all over some single mommy blogs, sadly:

    “Yeah, I left a “good guy” husband so I could “explore my sexuality”. But I don’t feel guilty because guys have been doing it for centuries without criticism. So me doing likewise is a feminist statement, right?!”

    What’s more even more tragic is that these “good guys” have often been raised by feminist mothers who taught them to y’know, respect women and play by the rules and stuff. I’m not knocking that. I think that’s a good thing. It’s just sad that having done that they’ve ended up with the female equivalent of the Male Midlife Crisis.

    Still, I guess you can’t be picky with equality. On the plus side we get equal opportunity pay and career opportunities for women. On the minus, equal opportunities to be a midlife selfish douchebag, only thinking with whatever the female equivalent is to Jason’s dick (Janice’s clitoris? Jasmine’s ovaries? I’m going to need help here…)

  • The ex would say, “You wanted em. You raise em!” many times with an emphasis on different words each time.
    The next go to word salad was, “if you want help, go to work and do my job then come home and help me do yours.” .
    They are a few more but needless to say I stopped asking, became a married single parent, and made my needs disappear.
    I worked my ass off preparing for this storm which I had to do alone when I was married as well. My kids still live here as students and are young adults. My brother chastised me for doing this because they are adults. He has no clue the abuse we went through and I said that as long as they are under my roof I will help them however I can. I felt this was about safety and survival. As far as I know their dad did not reach out or offer to house them since he is living with his dad and they have a basement and we live in a mobile home. I don’t think they would have gone anyway but he may have asked. They mentioned wanting to stay together as a family. Anyway, the ex did blame my caring for them as a reason for his behavior.

  • When my XH and I discussed having a second child I warned him that it would mean I would be even busier and that he would get less of my attention for a while, and that it would need to be a two person commitment. So we had a second daughter. I am fairly sure that he started having an affair with one of our employees when I was still pregnant,( looking back at her behaviour with informed hindsight), that came out into the open when DD2 was one. He did at one point tell me he had never wanted to have children ( both were heavily planned)and only did so to make me happy. Now, he has ” father” as his title on his facebook profile

  • I really needed to read this today. Even though I’m 19 months out from d-day and discard I still find myself remembering his blame shifting and questioning myself. I also keep finding articles or quotes that talk about how you should always put your spouse before you kids,and that if he don’t you are setting him up for temptation and who could blame him. I know I didn’t put DS before him but thought that we were a family unit so I put that as the most important part of our lives. DS was only 2 1/2 on d-day and I was 18 weeks pregnant.

    • MMB

      That’s the bs we are being fed with all the time…. oh, you are pregnant? Well, you shouldn’t stop your busy work, carry the child to term, in size 2, be cheerful and lovely…. after pushing human being out/ c-section – u should be back to “ normal” in no time, looking great in no time and serve your husband… otherwise- he may feel lonely and cheat
      WTF ???!???

      What about carrying human being and having living partner who takes over many things because we already do a hard job? What about month or two post partum of BEING TAKEN CARE OF since we just pushed the human being out and are tired and exhausted?

      No?

      Right….

      • He did all those things you suggested when we had DS (who was 2 1/2 at d-day). One of his justifications for leaving me was that he didn’t feel wanted from about 6 months after DS was born. He failed to inform me of this apparent unhappiness for 2 years, until he found someone to replace me. He made sure he got full use of me before he went by getting me pregnant. After that I was just so awful he had no choice but to leave.

  • How about when the kids are older, say high school, and your daughter gets into a horrific car accident and is in the hospital for 6 months and comes home paralyzed in a wheelchair!!! And all they can do is talk to a ho-worker about how horrible their life is while his wife spends 24/7 at the hospital. Wanted out 3 months after she come home from the hospital. Yah, that shit is real!

    • He’s a pile of petrified shit. I’m constantly taken aback at the callousness of people and I really shouldn’t be.

    • His concern for anyone else in the world (and you, let alone your poor daughter) ended at the tip of his penis. What an awful piece of human flotsam.

  • WOW! A throbbing dick is more important than your child…

    Good going Today’s Parent! Thanks for letting me know where my real priorities as a parent should be – on my genitals. I will not read a single article or support that website in any way after reading such garbage.

  • Great post!

    Anyone else feel like you have a pre-chump radar versus post-chump radar? The comment about loading the diaper genie and less opportunities triggered a memory.

    My post-chump radar says jerks find opportunities even over diaper genies.

    I had a friend at work who had children. (This was pre-chump and pre-children for me). Her husband was allegedly a brilliant scientist, but couldn’t keep a job so she supported them. In software most people need only one income and so she supported the family, but had to work the terrible 12 hour days to keep the job. Her 3 year old twins told her sometimes a strange lady would come out of the bedroom during the day. She confronted her husband and he said it was ridiculous and how kids have such insane imaginations. But her children kept saying it. Finally she asked me if it could be possible that her husband was sleeping with someone else when he was taking care of their twins. I thought about it and said, “Who could be that evil and that gross? Who could be outrageous enough to have sex with a stranger in their house while their kids were around?”

    I told her that I am sure her kids saw something but wasn’t sure what it was. I told her to keep asking her husband about it. He kept swearing he was as honest as a Saint so she believed him. One time she had me and my fiancé over for dinner. (The guy who later chumped me.) I didn’t like the vibe her husband gave off, but it was just two difficult to picture him cheating on her while her two adorable children were they. And they were adorable. Because someone would have to be lower than low to do such a thing. I told her I just didn’t know. They moved away soon after that because he got a job 4,000 miles away. We live in a tech hub. He couldn’t find a job in our city?

    Now I know better. He was probably “friends” with one of the stay at home moms and having an affair under the kid’s nose (or next to the diaper genie). My friend is still married to him. They have a gorgeous and accomplished. The kids take after my friend, thank goodness, because she is one of the good people.

  • PS-

    Missing word above was family. Head colds and iPhones don’t mix.

    Has anyone seen the TV show the Marvelous Mrs. Maisel? It’s about infidelity and how a family in the 50’s deals with it. Show isn’t perfect, but they capture the rawness of the emotions in “Mrs. Maisel.” I also like how they break the stereotypes— she is not the “boring and frigid housewife.” She is the sexually adventurous, smart, and capable woman who (dutifully) stays home while her husband screws the secretary. Once she finds out, all hell breaks loose and she does improv comedy about his affair. Most realistic treatment I have seen about infidelity on TV in terms of the rage and the feelings that emerge. If you haven’t seen it, the last episode of season one disappoints. Otherwise the show would get 5 stars. Worth watching though!

  • LadyLiar had decided she didn’t want to have her bio children, and I already had kids, and she was so very excited to have the opportunity to parent with me! OOOH! I wanna be in that show! And I invited her into our family and my children loved her. And then she got bored. And it wasn’t all that much fun anymore after a few years of the daily grind. And her own nasty abusive narc mother wouldn’t acknowledge my kids as her “real” kids, so not getting the validation she wanted on that end. So…the same woman who told me I was the best parent she had ever known and that she learned everything about parenting from me and that she wished she’d had that kind of parenting (well…ummmm. she ultimately kinda did…) — well, that same woman cheated, lied, and blew up our family. But it’s not her fault! She didn’t MEAN to do it. UGH. So. Tired. Of. Bullshit.

  • cheaters will say anything to anyone they think will give them pitty supply.

    D’day happened almost 5 years ago.

    My youngest child has been no contact with her father for over a year now as she had the wisdom of ceasing visitation with him. But it took eight months for her to come clean about what was upsetting her so much that she had made the decision. Yeah sure the Ex is a total arse hat but what was upsetting her the most was what happened after D’Day. Four weeks after D’day hit she was diagnosed with cancer. He went into the operating theatre with her two days after diagnoses as she needed to have tests and a central line put in, as she was being put under he assumed she was asleep so started complaining to the theatre staff that she had always been a problem child causing issues and now that she had cancer I was choosing to end our marriage to focus on her. Yep, he blamed her for the marriage ending. Not his cheating, gaslighting, his bare face lies, the std’s, the lack of connection with his kids or the constant mindfuckery. He had been cheating since she was born leaving me to raise her and her two older siblings. Cheaters will say anything to deflect the truth that the problem is them. She finally was able to come clean with what was going on for her due to an amazing counsellor. Her relationship with the cheater now is totally on her own terms.

  • A few months before Dday, the Rev. Cheaterpants asked “when are we ever going to have a weekend getaway?” (notice that this makes it my responsibility to plan as I obviously have been the one preventing us from enjoying 2 child-free days of hotel sex that we couldn’t afford). Kiddos at the time are 8 & 16; a big commitment to ask of a friend for the weekend and we have no family nearby.

    Nevertheless, I plan to surprise him with a night out of town while we are up visiting my family for Christmas. Girls can stay with grandparents (needless to say, the last time I can recall his parents babysitting overnight was 2002. Absolutely not kidding). I give him this for his birthday. He promptly asks my dad if he can get him very $$$ tickets to the big (huge!) basketball game that same night, so I have to cancel the reservations–no problem, though. We will go to the game, stay in town instead, it’s all good. We honestly have a great time.

    Less than four weeks later, I discover that the Rev. Cheaterpants has been cheating on me and plans to go ring shopping the next Tuesday during his “work meeting” out of town, which is actually a Baymont Inn (Girlfriends, if your married lover can only spring for a Baymont Inn and even then is debating whether to pay the extra $40 for a jacuzzi, he is not.worth.it). Fun fact is that he is cheating on Sunny Delight as well with Darling Nikki and whomever else he can scam into giving him blowjobs in a parking garage.

    I honestly think that by the time he was making me feel guilty about us “never” having a weekend getaway, he had totally checked out of the marriage (he was already spending hours on the phone everyday with SunnyD & friends) and just wanted to get everything that he could out of me & my family before he got enough balls to tell me that he wanted out. Sort of like in the Sopranos with that sporting goods store.

    So obvs., he destroyed his relationship with his daughters. And, best of all, his new wifey (not an AP) has young elementary school aged children. You know, the kind that still need a lot of attention and parenting? Wonder how long that will last…

  • Funnily enough when Jason feels a hunger for something more it doesn’t occur to him that his wife may also feel the same way. Complete lack of empathy.

  • As everyone who has commented her knows, there is no question that having kids changes your marriage. If you married a mature adult, then together you can both adjust to these changes and support each other through the tougher times, and make your family the central focus, at least while the kids are small. At least, that’s the way I thought it was supposed to work. The problem, in my 20/20 hindsight, is that when a spouse is a narc or even a garden-variety self-absorbed jerk, once the central focus on them is diminished by another tiny person who need attention, they can’t deal with it. My asshole traced our problems back to the birth of our second child, who was more difficult than the first, and so disrupted his spot as Adored Rock Star of the household. Of course, he had no interest in helping out to lighten the load because this would garner no kibbles unless it was done in front of an audience. It was much easier to go outside the marriage and find a bar slut who would worship him appropriately, then blame the kids and me for ruining our marriage.

    Excuse me, I have to go nourish my facets…

  • I read this Today’s Parent article, courtesy of my facebook feed, and seethed. The idiotic comments from cheaters are worse.

    Who the fuck do these people think they are? I got the whole “being an adult is so hard I had to fuck sone strange just to survive” speech. I was told the first affair was because he married me (I didn’t force him to marry me. He asked and I said yes. Silly me for thinking that meant he wanted to marry me.) His constant narrative was that being an adult was just so hard. Having a job made him cheat. Having household responsibilities made him cheat. When I become acutely ill and was hospitalized, that made him cheat, too (So heartwarming to find out that while I lay in a hospital bed wondering if I would live to see my children grow up, he was making plans to fuck prostitutes).

    The irony in all this is that all the responsibility fell to me – the “adulting” that he blames for his cheating never actually happened. It was just an idea that never was realized, much luke hos idea of being a good person. He may have thought about it but it didn’t happen. He couldn’t keep a job so I found one that supported us all. He couldn’t do housework (gave him a nasty case of the sadz), so I did it. I organized the kids’ lives. I did fucking everything! Meanwhile, he spent his time playing video games, Ultimate Frisbee, and fucking randoms. I adulted every second of every day and was completely faithful to my vows, but just the idea of growing the fuck up left him whimpering and unable to control what his dick did.

    They are such tiresome creatures, these cheaters.

  • The Asshole cheated, in part (there was lots of other shit he should have been able to deal with as well) because he couldn’t handle the fact that our daughter was in and out of hospital for suicidal depression. Aw, he was sad. Meanwhile, I was both depressed and physically unwell myself and somehow managed to chase her out of the house time after time to prevent her from throwing herself in front of a car, while he just sat there, feeling oh so sorry for poor widdle him. I was able to talk her down while he just moped. His solution to a chronic case of poor meism: fuck some other married twit from work. That’s the ticket out of Sadville, apparently. Except it only made it worse, so he kept going for years. “Surely one day The Sads will be cured if I divorce the adult person I married and just pretend I’m 18 forever”, he thought. Then he got caught because he’s stupid.

    I tweeted about that gross article. Notice they include quotes from the ubiquitous cheater apologist and self-styled “relationship expert” Esther Perel. She’s scum in my book.

  • Did Bernstein blame their child later too?

    “Nora Ephron

    The Oscar-nominated screenwriter of When Harry Met Sally and Sleepless in Seattle, wrote Heartburn in 1983, which was made into a film starring Jack Nicholson and Meryl Streep. The book was inspired by the events of her break-up with her second husband, the Watergate journalist Carl Bernstein, whom she discovered was having an affair with British politician Margaret Jay while Ephron was pregnant with their son Max.”

  • Oh THIS post is for me!! One perfect baby boy was a fulfilled dream for my ex-wife!! When we decided for number 2 nearly immediately, we were a picture happy (faux) couple. And these babies didn’t come to us easy!! As lesbians and me, the carrier, with fertility issues……VERY PLANNED and VERY EXPENSIVE. My beautiful baby boy number two came along not so perfect. Yes, it was a nightmare bc he was very sick and failing to thrive. We were under a LOT of stress forcing him to live. She called him a burden….a fucking burden!! I wouldn’t leave his side except to go to work. I was convinced he was going to die and wouldn’t move him from beside our bed into his own crib. Such a terrible wife by doing so bc intimacy was the last of my worries. My worries revolved around was my baby going to live to see another day!! How she had time to “fall in love” and start an affair by the time he was just 4 months old is beyond me. I didn’t have time to think let alone stay out all night long with someone else’s wife. Her words “HE ruined our marriage”. I was the one left at home with a two-year-old and a dying infant while she was out drinking, screwing, tattooing, spending our money on someone else’s wife. For half a second I resented him…..and I openly admit that while shame for it still overfills my soul. But then one night……when I got up for the 3 am feeding and my wife was STILL out with her mistress….I picked him up out of his crib and the nightlight softly lit up his beautiful face. He was perfect, beautiful, and most of all INNOCENT. Hot tears of shame slipped down my face and after feeding him, I held him a little longer and marveled at my fortune to have him!! That was my turning point to begin to allow anger to surface….toward the rightful owner of the burden. My fault in her words is that I put my marriage on the back burner for our children. The ones that I birthed….my flesh and blood….my reason for everything. Today, that 4-year-old is my mini me, my shadow, and for fuck’s sake perfect. I am a fierce advocate for him and would put ANYONE on the back burner for him or my older son. I do not regret losing my marriage bc I am a good mother…….what I regret is letting a loser make me feel like I had done something wrong by being one!!!

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