An alert chump sent this article in Today’s Parent: “What happens after the affair—when you have kids?”
Apparently, children are hindering Otherwise Good People from their journeys of epic self-discovery. What with their teething and their sticky fingers and inconvenient vulnerability, mommy and daddy can’t get any
sleep, no I mean strange.
What are you nattering on about, Tracy? Surely there isn’t a parenting magazine out there blaming children for their parent’s affairs?
Judge for yourself. Jason causes his wife Rachel to suffer a D-Day when she discovers his two-year affair with a co-worker. But he doesn’t blame Rachel…
“She was a good wife, a good mother.” So why the extramarital fling? He’s blunt: “I did it out of lust. I did it out of curiosity.” The sexual urgency in his marriage had faded over the years, he says. Having kids meant there were even fewer opportunities. “I still had some hunger inside me for something else,” he admits.
You gonna challenge that Today’s Parent? Really? Your children gave you fewer opportunities to fuck around?
You did it because you’re an amoral ballsack of entitlement, Jason. While you were having a two-year affair, Rachel was emptying the diaper genie. More opportunities for you. Fewer for her.
But Tracy, we need to have honest conversations about What We Lose when we have children!
I think there are enough “Mommy needs wine” memes for that.
But FADING SEXUAL URGENCY!
Get a babysitter, grandparent, relative, neighbor to watch the kids for a night?
But that’s not SPONTANEOUS!
Lock a door? Two doors? Don’t those pack ‘n plays come with webcams yet?
BUT IT’S URGENT.
Okay, maybe you just GROW THE FUCK UP JASON and decide that your young children are more important than your throbbing dick. And that indulging your throbbing dick extramaritally would shatter your wife and imperil the future of your children’s intact family home. Unless, of course, we change the cultural narrative to accept the needs of your throbbing dick as Right and Natural. (Oops, I thought several generations of feminism were trying to UNdo preciously that, but Today’s Parent didn’t get the memo.)
Jason, my point is — maybe feeling entitlement for “something else” should not give you carte blanche to steal two years of Rachel’s life while SHE IS RAISING YOUR CHILDREN.
Oh, but she’s a “good wife.” Awesome. Here’s a bitch cookie.
Lust may be an obvious reason for cheating, but there are countless others, including issues with intimacy or a need to prove one’s desirability. When kids come into the picture, they can rob parents of not only time and sleep but also their ability to nourish the other facets of who they are.
(2 a.m. A teething child cries. An unhappy parent awakes.) “DAMN YOU, JUNIPER! YOU HAVE ROBBED ME OF MY FACETS!”
Exactly what “facet” of yourself is cheating? The douchey facet? Is there a Kay jeweler for that?
An underacknowledged factor, particularly for women, is the feeling that marriage and parenthood has cost them their identity—
Here’s a radical thought. Maybe your identity is parent! Like with the high-waisted jeans and lame jokes. What if you just EMBRACE it, and feel super thankful to have babies and a partner who will go through the sucky bits with you.
Look, I know it’s not a yoga retreat in the desert or a Keto diet feed on Instagram, it’s just your progeny. But much like a social media following, children need care and attention too.
specifically, the independent, free-spirited person they were before getting married. In the arms of a lover, they’re no longer putting everyone else’s needs before their own and can feel, just for a moment, like they’re somebody new.
NO, Today’s Parent, NO. The answer to accepting Jason’s throbbing dick “needs” as right and natural IS NOT to permit the same sort of blithering narcissism to Rachel. Ooh goody! We have douche parity!
NO. The point is to DO BETTER — especially for our children.
Today’s Parent, may I suggest some titles for next month’s magazine? —
Winning Snacks That Will Make Your Kids Forget You Weren’t There to Pick Them Up
How to Skype Like You Care!
5 Easy STD Costumes for Halloween! (Paper mâché is perfect for pustules!)
I mean, as long as we’re going to go with the children and cheating theme… Or perhaps CN would like to convey its suggestions to the editor of that dumb article.