Stay in Touch

Check out CL's Book

Problem? Adulting vs. Escapism

A reader once suggested to me that a great exercise to rewire chump brains and combat blameshifting would be to play “Problem? Adult Solution, Cheater Solution.”:

An example:

PROBLEM: My wife and I argue often, mostly over financial matters.
ADULT SOLUTION: From now on, we’re going to keep a closer eye on our finances, cutting costs where we can. We’re also going to work to improve our lines of communication, particularly where financial matters are concerned.
CHEATER SOLUTION: I’m gonna go fuck a 20-year-old.

I think it’s a great several reasons. A) It makes fun of the absurdity of cheaters. Always fun. And B) It’s a good way to remind yourself that these people have CHOICES. That you didn’t drive them to cheat. There were grown-up ways of addressing real marital issues or their lives’ dissatisfactions and they chose infidelity.

You can stop blaming yourself and start protecting yourself, okay?

Have a lovely weekend everyone — I’m here in the woods of Northern Michigan visiting with my parents for a family wedding. It’s 60 degrees and I had walleye for dinner last night. Life is good.

TGIF!

 

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • Hahahaha!

    This is perfect in its simplicity!

    Problem: we are completely stressed and disconnected, what with work, a special needs son, and other general grown up stuff.

    Adult solution: have a hard conversation about how we’ve drifted so far apart and need to connect and support each other again.

    Cheater solution: Drink often and too much, argue that we don’t have enough sex and to loosen up, the. Begin a 7 week affair with next door neighbor and friend right under spouses noses, until cuntbags husband figures it out because she’s a whore and did it before.

    Sigh.

    • Yep, Try Me!

      Another Cheater solution: seek out hookers, workout more, do anything to avoid the Chump because that might entail work and I’m too much of coward to face my problems.

      • Ultimate escapisim vs adulting….. decide you are in too much debt and can’t splash the cash and those dam kids eat a fuck load of food ( no kidding he actually would complain if i would stop spending so much money on groceries as if we were eating caviar and fillet steak every nt). Fucktards solution? Re mortgage the house to max it out…self publish an ego serving book with the rest of our savings and walked out leaving us homeless and penniless declaring he had fallen out of love …but just happened to fall into the knickers of a naive 20 something immediately.
        They are all irresponsible dickheads

    • Same here: autistic 7-year-old, married (at that point) for 13 years, instead of being open and honest about his lack of love for me, he decided to do everything and anything he could to make me feel unloved, unwanted until D-Day…
      Three years since divorce and life is so much better!!!

      • I guess it’s not surprising how many Chumps have special needs kids, parents who are aging or ill, or health problems themselves. When the going gets tough, instead of being tough themselves, cheaters opt out.

        • Agreed.
          Investing in anything but themselves is not worth their time or effort. Demanding others cater to them is more their style!
          X would be jealous of time & attention given to the kids. Rather than help me out, he’d join a club himself & demand that the kids & I go cheer him on…I started to grow suspicious when he suddenly put on his nice guy act & told me we didn’t need to be there…

      • Unsinkable, you wrote my P/AS/CS to a TEEEEE! My life goal moving forward is to NEVER accept such treatment from another for the rest of my life.

  • Enjoy! Northern Michigan is beautiful! Oh the lakes! So pretty. Torch. Glen. Sleeping Bear Dunes. Petosky.

    And yes, not much adulting with cheaters. They can mirror adulting if they chose. And thank you again for the reminder. It is a choice to cheat.

    Adulting corrects to adulating. Gonna be a fun day to post.

  • Hi, hope your having a great time chump lady, cheaters have choices as does everyone else, I don’t think they like to grow up. Relying on chumps to sort everything out, seriously everything.

  • No sex?

    Chump: buy books about sexless marriage, go to multiple therapists, buy lots of lingerie, plan romantic vacations, beg for a testosterone test and anything else a desperate mind can think of.

    Cheater: avoid spouse like the plague, refuse to discuss sex, look SO sad, remain faithful to the AP and laugh hysterically inside at the pain you have caused and how you know something the chump doesn’t.

    • In my haste to comment I didn’t follow the post’s rules.

      I believe that the decisions made as a Chump are interchangeable with what an Adult should do.

      • No! Respectfully disagree.

        The adult decisions I am making now are definitely not interchangeable with the chump decisions I made 20 years ago.

        Chumpiness is a liability I think.

        • I was only referring to my original post and what I had listed as my “Chump” response to no sex.

          CL’s post had reactions classified as “Adult” and “Cheater”. I used “Chump” and “Cheater”.

          I agree that we Chumps do better now that we know better!

    • Just when you think it only happened to you some great chump like you Rebecca explains what I went thru off and on for 20 years! It almost makes me cry thinki g about…. I’m not alone!!! Thank you very much! Hugs xo sweet

    • Ha. ha. I asked mine to have his testosterone tested also. The commonalities among us chumps is hard to believe. Bottom line, as far as we were concerned, they weren’t performing anywhere! Happy Friday.

      • Ha Ha! I suggested a testosterone test too! Ex had some excuse why he didn’t. He knew his testosterone was fine as he had been screwing the ow for 4 years!

        • My ex and I went to the doctor together to have his testosterone checked too. The doctor said it was low. He later left me for a coworker. She dumped him and went back to her husband. He came back to me. I found he had some blue pills. He said that the OW, shoe he said typically liked older men, explained to him that the blood pressure medicine he was on, was the problem and suggested he get on Visgra. Well, come to find out, the porn addiction I didn’t know he had, didn’t help either.

          • And one time I shared that I was feeling sexually frustrated (he started always refusing sex with me and said that me putting pressure on him made him limp). His response was to point to the bedroom and say, “I don’t know what to tell you. Go masturbate.”

        • I litterally bought some “male vitality” (courtesy of alex jones who has crashed spectacularly in my estimations now btw!!) But to no avail… sadz sausage was not performing cos he was sulking like a 12 year old girl without her iphone…. .sorry about mixing my metaphor s!!

    • Chump – go to dr to get estrogen and intrarosa- a vaginal moisturizer. My lack of desire must be my fault.

      Cheater- talk about how “broken” you are while buying apple juice and a thermometer for OW’s sick daughter- and you are on crutches. Talk about getting new tattoos, grow hair long, workout at the gym, obsess over whateverthefuck is your phone .

    • Oh, no, you too, Rebecca?

      I did all those things, down to the low testosterone.

      Had no idea he was being faithful to OW his twu wuv (who 2 years later ‘was unimportant’)

    • This one hits home, Rebecca…I made appointments with sex therapists, started coming to terms with my sexual assault 30 years ago, talked to my gyn about options. I found ways to initiate fun sexual play and told him how handsome and hot he was.

      Cheater solution: Start up an emotional relationship with his ex-girlfriend from 15 years ago where they “talked” about OUR sex life (or lack of it) and made the decision that I should get on board with an “open relationship” in order to solve these issues. When I refused and told my husband how hurt I was that he was sharing our problems with his ex in the first place, he went ahead and started a sexual relationship with her, indicating to her I had said it was fine (or was a “soft no” and I would come around). He actually said to me, “She and I talk more about our marriage than we do.” To which I replied, then why don’t you talk to me more?

      We are currently bicoastal due to my job and his answer was that I’m not around enough. I mentioned there is this thing called a telephone, but he said, “I don’t like to have conversations like that over the phone.”

      Every time I suggested couples counseling, he responded with “I’ve tried that before in other relationships…it doesn’t really help.”

      He looked me in the eye and told me that this was the ONLY solution that would save our marriage—having a relationship with both her AND me. And when I told him I wasn’t OK with that, he said, “then I guess there’s nothing more to talk about.” When the ex found out that he had basically lied about our situation, she broke it off with him, too. He sent me a venomous text that said I wouldn’t meet him midway on this (what is “midway” on an affair, I wonder?) and that I had created an adversarial atmosphere in our marriage (because I refused his cheater offer). He also mentioned his “conflicted feelings” about his ex and that I wasn’t understanding at all about that (which is actually BS since I told him, “We ALL have unresolved feelings for people in our past. The difference is, however, we don’t ACT on them once we commit to a marriage.”

      He has made me question whether there is something wrong with me…whether I drove him to this…all of those BS things we chumps entertain in our brains. I am grateful for this site, my fellow chumps and my friends who are making me see through the BS & realize HE is the one who made the choice to cheat and it’s not my fault.

  • Problem: Getting old sucks. My wife has the gall to think she can retire early. Even saying the word “retire” makes me feel old. Our kids are all grown up. Only old people have adult children. I am bored.

    Solution: I had the sadz when I was about to turn 40 (even saying 40 makes me feel old) and so I screwed around with a 30YO co-worker. Nearly imploding my family sure kept my mind off my birthday, and here comes 50! I will fuck a 25YO co-worker this time to see if I can turn back the hands of time. Yeah, that’s the ticket. Most importantly I will never breathe a word of discontent to The Wife Appliance and will make sure she thinks we are still headed for a glorious future together. Even when she asks me directly I will be sure to lie, lie, lie. I am sure our adult daughters will be totes OK with it all as I move to Europe to find my twu happynez and fuck around with a gurl their age. At least it won’t be boring.

    • Ha ha at least it won’t be boring! These cheaters all the same. Mine said you’re getting old and old people stuff is boring. Seems to me that we are aging at exactly the same rate so he’s getting old too. They Cannot stand their aging and boredom. The Solution is to fuck around.

      I never allowed my children to say they were bored. I always thought that boredom was manufactured in the mind and you have to find ways to fix that yourself. Boredom is your own fault. Any time those words came out of their mouth I assigned them multiple chores. Also I mentioned that they had a factory in china’s worth of toys in their rooms and in the house so find something to do before you get assigned chores.

      If the kids had friends over and I heard the friend say they were bored I would start twitching. And my kids would be look at me, look at their friend, and say hey let’s go outside and play! Lol

  • Problem: There’s not enough sex in the marriage.
    Adult Solution: Work together to find out what the problem is and work together to find a resolution. Consider it a JOINT problem in a JOINT relationship.

    Cheater Solution: Stand in the middle of the living room, look the chump in the eye, tell her she better start putting out more or you’re going to look elsewhere. Completely dump it all on the chump…since it’s THEIR problem.

    • Oh yes. This is what I got as well. When I asked for therapy or even a nice nackten, he said it should not take this much work to make me want to sleep with him.

    • YUP… every Hallmark card I received after the first D-day… right up to the fourth D-day nine years later talked about how “WE needed to FIX US”… even though “us” wasn’t running personal ads and fucking people in hotels that he met on Craigslist or at the gym.

      Cheaters need to relearn their pronouns.

        • ohmygod yes they do need to relearn their pronouns. I recently got a hoovering email challenging NC, that suggested that as some time has passed, maybe we could talk “without either one of us being worried about the other one manipulating them”. Gold. I got conscripted into the manipulator club while on NC I guess.

      • Hey, at least you got “us”. Granted it creates a false equivalency between your responsibility and the cheater’s responsibility, but the cheater is in there somewhere at some level. When I asked my cheater to go to marriage counseling I got the response “Why would WE go to marriage counseling when the problem is YOU?”

        • My soon to be ExH told me multiple years ago that he would go to marriage counseling if I went to the gym for a month…..then we would see. Of course this was after he pounded his fist on the table calling me a “fat fuck”…..at that point right or wrong I decided he would need to court me a bit before I was going to sleep with him. Of course I was week enough to go to the gym….and couldn’t keep it up with a 50 hour a week job, a house to run and a young son. My Ex was the ‘stay at home dad’ who did NOT do the dishes, laundry, cleaning, or anything else. Now he’s leaving me for the woman he had an affair with 25 years ago…and moving 1000 miles away from me and his 14 year old son. It’s so raw….and I’m strong and then fall apart and am a chump again. When does this get better? Have another two weeks with him in the house before he’ll go — hope divorce is quick.

          • Those two weeks will zoom by!! And you are so mighty for the ‘He has to court me’. Exactly right. And when they don’t, either because they can’t be bothered or they don’t see the need, that’s when we know they’re not husband material. Looking forward to celebrating with you in a fortnight, Silver x

      • Grrr, reminds me how after OW#1 during weak reconciliation the asshat declared that WE needed to “take each other back” as if I had been cheating too.

        And I let him get away with that shit.

        • I booted my ex out for a night after he went to OW’s son’s wedding by himself. He told me it was just a small wedding so only close friends were invited. I invited him back the next day (he slept at his mothers). Instead of being grateful he came in the door and asked me if ‘I had my mind right now.’ Gosh I was stupid.

      • Never once.
        I got the flip side of the cards.
        My birthday 2015, he left me a loving, sentimental, emotional card for me for my birthday before leaving for work. He signed “I love you always”
        Two weeks later, D-Day.
        He never once ever expressed unhappiness about our marriage, our relationship.
        Yet, according to the OW I was contacted by, he had been miserable and unhappy for years.

        • Molly— same for me! My post earlier started with
          Problem: NONE.

          Apparently he had been unhappy for years. News to me. Clearly I didn’t get the memo. He told me (as he was leaving me for undiscovered OW) he had “lost all his respect for me years ago after I had post partum”, but continued to fake being a doting husband for two more years and as he was leaving was telling me that I was easy to love and that he “was detaching with love”.
          What. The. Absolute. Fuck.

        • This is my story too. It’s so hard when the requisite marital strife that would sound an alarm (albeit small) of what is about to come never goes off. The shock is total and all that we learn has to be done post-script, often as investigators going back into our own lives to find out how far back the treachery goes. Blissfully unaware until the knife slips in between the shoulder blades. I got a mother’s day card telling me I was the love of his life. A couple months later he abandoned me and our 1 and 2 year old babies with zero warning for a stripper and moved across the country. I detail this on here often in the hopes that anyone in a similar position can feel some relief that they’re not alone. I remember feeling sub-human and utterly worthless until I found Chump Lady and the forum. It’s not you. You could’ve been anybody. It’s the disordered human being that did you a favor by exiting your life. I still find myself wondering how anyone could be so cruel and cowardly. But I just have to remind myself not my circus, not my monkey.

          • Honey, it not only made me feel like the lowliest human on the planet that I was so easily disposable, it also shook my trust in everyone and even myself to my core. I just don’t believe anyone these days. And I read your blog a while ago about how you liken it to a tsunami, which is a very accurate description. And that is exactly what my cheater did to me too. Hugs to you xoxo

    • Kitsugi, at least you got a warning shot fired. My cheater said nothing about his discontent with the amount of sex we were having, and just went ahead and “solved the problem himself” (his words) by hooking up with random bar whores. Then he “made a mistake” and fell in twu luv with one…

      • Adult problem: I was the one who constantly offered sex because I was not getting play. I received the ‘I’m tired, I masturbated today, i have to be up early’ …. when I was working 10-12 hour days also. Was told everything was fine. Was told when he was done school would be easier. When we did have sex it was great.

        Cheater non adulting: he was screwing back page girls and Skype girls and coworkers and whoever else. Says he got married to early and that we abound both need to change when I caught him.

        New adult solution: Well. I changed. I’m now far away. Changing for me.

    • Alternative Cheater solution: use porn, telling Chump “I’ve got to have SOMETHING!” and regularly require Chump to leave the marital bedroom so he can jerk off, seemingly having forgotten the first and virtually only argument in the marriage, a few months after wedding, was about his porn use and his first reaction then was to ask “Do you want a divorce?”

  • Perceived problem: I am unhappy about something (doesn’t really matter what).

    Adult solution: Process and manage my emotions, analyze the issues and facts at hand, remember that other people also matter and some things that are important don’t feel good, get my head around my actual sphere of influence, set and enforce healthy boundaries, and strive to make healthy, responsible decisions that don’t harm the people involved and do help what can be helped. Reach out to trusted friends and family and perhaps a therapist for emotional support and cogent advice along the way.

    Cheater solution: Distract myself with shiny things that feel good, ignore the harm my choices cause, deceive or lash out at anyone who gets close to my truth, avoid all emotions except happy and smug, and blame anything that doesn’t look good on others to maintain my shiny image, including lying to make sure I look good.

    • This!

      Problem: we have a newborn.

      Adult: Read up on postpartum, talk about how I am feeling to my SO, look for support and advice from friends and professionals, exercise and try to figure out what “healthy” is now that I’ve pushed a baby out of me.

      Cheater/Abussive Ex: pressure me to get my 6 week check up and blame outback problems on the fact that we can’t have sex, encourage me to see a therapist because “it’s all in my head” and repeatedly tell me that I’m the crazy one when I ask for help with the finances. It is totally unreasonable for a teacher on maternity leave, who’s paycheck for the last month of leave was $400, to ask for help with the finances…Oh! And then, when she has the gall to kick you out, make sure you tell her that you never cheated on her and will still love her DESPITE the crazy and irrational things she’s doing right now.

      • I can relate so well SingleMommy. Mine gaslighted me and made me go to therapy for PPD while he was being abusive and cheating. I kept trying to tell my counselor and she thought I was misinterpreting him because of PPD. I could hardly function after emergency c section, NICU and then with his rage abuse after delivery where he lied about cheating with coworker through my whole pregnancy and after. Also I was scared of him and had to break the 6 week rule to keep his rage at bay.

        • You got six weeks off? I had so much tearing after the first, that the delivery nurse said “Oh my god, I’ve never seen so many stitches!”. (Please, if you are a nurse or doctor, don’t say this kind of thing out loud to someone on the table.) I was torn up, down and sideways. When I came home three days later, we had sex. Not my choice, but I felt like I could not say no. VERY painful, but he didn’t care. I needed to do my “wifely duties”. Three years later, and he had me feel his erection in the recovery room after I just gave birth to number two. We hadn’t even held our child at that point. Of course, to give him credit, he hadn’t had a chance to see his current OW that day. Can’t go more than one day without sex, doncha know.

          • oldcrone-this is heartbreaking and reminds me of my ex husband. It’s taken me a long time to heal from that trauma. Love to you.

          • That is horrible.
            I’m so sorry you went through that.
            Giving birth to DS1 was actually a turn off for exh1, he never felt desire for me the same again and made no bones about it to me.
            I was 22, had just given birth to my first child, and he tells.me he’ll never be attracted to me again.
            Three years later, D-Day 1.
            Ugh.
            (((((hugs)))))

      • “Pressure to get six week checkup”. Omg yes. My ex basically tortured me with relentless pressure for sex during pregnancies, after the birth, when I was exhausted caring for small children, or sick, or a toddler crying in my face in the middle of the night, basically all the time. Just absolute torture. That was 20 years ago and I can’t tell you how badly I regret that I didn’t get out of the marriage then. Hang in there singlemommy, you are so much better off without him

        • Grrrrrrrrr……post partum.

          Problem: I had to have a second c-section despite all my efforts to not have another one because the first one was rather traumatic for me. I now have terrible post partum (can’t sleep and can’t eat because I was afraid my husband would cheat, leave us and take away my new baby) while parenting a 4 year old and moving across the world 5 weeks after having an early birth all while my new husband is deployed for 6 months.

          Caring husband solution 1: Help your wife as much as you can by showing support and empathy even though you are deployed. Let her know that she is loved and cared for and you will be back as soon as you can so we can be a family. Listen to her and understand that this happens to women all the time and they can get through this and don’t judge her for the rest of her life on this planet for having post partum.

          Caring husband solution 2: Take an emergency leave (PAID) from your deployment and come home to support super struggling wife, new baby, 4 yo, grandma and friends and family who are helping out.

          Cheater/narc solution: Show no empathy or care. Continue to be fake nice by sending a few gifts here and there. Get super pissed because I’m not “better yet”, says he’s leaving me and tries to send his mother from California to TAKE OUR NEW BABY AWAY FROM ME because baby “needs to be somewhere safe” (new baby has been with me and my mother since birth). Changes his mind a few days later and says he’s coming home and loves me. Three months later says he’ll divorce me if I continue with my treatments. Treats me like shit for the next two years, tells me whenever I bring up the Post Partum “that’s on you, that’s your problem, I don’t really care” and less than two years later fucks the blonde with the Bible, abandon his family, lies and files for MAJORITY custody of the now 2 yo and blames it all on me because he “lost all respect for me when I had post partum because all he can see now when he looks at me is a spoiled rotten middle class white girl”. Sorry for being human. And white. And middle class. And for existing.

          Guess who didn’t get majority custody? All of the pregnancy/post-partum cheaters are assholes.

          • What the hell???

            I never knew there were so many Creatures masquerading as humans until this happened to me!
            Hope your life is 100% better now, chumpiness x

            • Artist,

              The worst part? I didn’t even realize how fucked up it all was until after he left me and I thought back over our relationship and I came out of his abusive spell. I needed this reminder to trust that he sucks.

              My life isn’t better…I still miss that turd most days. He’s just so sparkly. (Ummm, I guess I’m not out of his abusive spell….thank god for no contact)
              Cheaters suck.

              xoxoxo

              • In a similar place to you I think – worst part for me is that until he found his Dream Princess and actually did measurable obvious Wrong, neither did I realise how fucked up things were. And I tho its now a cliche I think he does have some disorder and never acted out of malice. He’s not so sparkly to me nowadays especially since I’ve seen effect of his passive aggressive stuff on kids, but I still miss him and he sparkles for a lot of other people. Xoxoxo

              • They can make us feel so special, wanted and unique when it suits them. That part hurts after the break up.

    • All of this, amiisfree!

      Plus: Work out more because that will solve all my emotional problems because I don’t know how to work on emotional issues or support my wife.

    • Absolutely.

      Why be proactive about feeling unhappy in a marriage? Why actually raise the issue and discuss early on? Why attend MC when suggested? Why?

      • I thought recently, if my ex put as much effort in our marriage as she did sneaking and lying then we could have had a brilliant relationship. But adulting is too hard, too hard for fuckwits.

        • Magical, during the brutal discard my stbx told me the howorker asked him if he had tried as hard to save his marriage as he had tried to pursue the affair would he still be with his wife. His reply… of course I’d be with my wife.
          So he knew the adult solution but made the selfish choice to destroy two marriages.

    • All this.

      Oh just realized running out on the wife and family doesn’t make me look good.

      Cheater Solution: Tell my chump to find a counselor. (while I siphon off our income so I can have love fests in various overseas locations with new woman) .
      Tell the world we are having counselling. Spend the sessions blaming the wife for the marriage being over while pretending you are torn between the OW and wife.

      Adult Solution: Chump opens her eyes, gets a lawyer and runs a mile.

      • I had no idea that a cheater would sit in umpteen counseling sessions to cover their ass for the discard they were planning. Found out the hard way.

    • Thank you, Amiisfree, so grateful to hear others’ stories and takes that make mine feel more common, however ridiculous they are.

  • Disabled wife no longer can carry laundry up the stairs.
    Adult solution: Carry her laundry up the stairs.
    Cheater solution: Host a drunken night of bondage sex with Craigslist Neo-Nazi while wife away for the night, including the need to naked-launder the desecrated sofa slipcover at midnight hahahaha we’re so drunk cum spillage but Viagra and old dick!

  • Problem: Young adult life has many forks in the road where decisions are to be made: Career goals ad the education needed to attain them, religious affiliation (stay with the faith of your FOO or branch out), partnering options, use of substances, how one opts to entertain ones self while pursuing goals.

    Adult options: Choose options wisely and know that changes are possible but complicated. Be honest with the people you encounter in your journey. Take responsibility for the decisions you make. Be faithful to the commitments you make.

    Cheater/Narc option: bask in the glory of all of your options, but resist actually making a decision on anything. Get angry and disgruntled that you cant have everything. After you have chosen your career, education and partner, inwardly seethe that you couldnt have this or that good part of other options. Blame your school, employer and partner for not being everything you wanted them to be. Be hostile to all of them and play people to your advantage while putting on a facade of respectability.

  • Problem: I am an adult, but I am sexually aroused enough by children that I begin to engage in activity that is illegal and that harms children.

    Adult solution: See how harmful acting on these feelings could be to others and myself and seek treatment before I act them out or the first time I had and myself acting on them.

    Cheater solution: Pursue children and young adults sexually, consequences and harm notwithstanding, and use all manner of manipulation to protect my ability to do so. Leave my partner to clean up the mess if I am caught and criminally prosecuted. Expect my partner to still “stand by me” (read: do what I want and think I am awesome) in the aftermath.

    • Michael Pearl of To Train Up A Child ministries thinks that wives of pedophiles should be waiting for their husbands with open arms once they get out of jail for the crimes of pedophila. “Because she’s the ‘helpmeet’ and her primary and God-given role is to serve her husband’”

      Such a sick bastard.

    • @Amiisfree please tell me your ex freak show pos is in prison where he can’t get his hands on any children!

      • Sadly, no. Not that I know of, anyway. And as a tech expert, he is unlikely to get caught.

        My divorce was many years ago and times have changed a lot. If it were today, I would do it differently.

  • Problem: I could be emotionally distant. Finances were a mess. I wasn’t involved in our kids lives (I raised them alone while she worked out of town Mon-Friday). That problem always perplexed me. I got them up to school, homework done, dinner and taxi driver all with a full time job!
    Solution: seek some professional help, quit telling me my thoughts were stupid, told her to quit using credit cards to buy everything she and the kids wanted!
    Cheater solution: go chase here high school bf. her true love. When that failed, go screw a 26 year old.
    Best adult solution would have been for her to divorce me.

  • Problem: kids exclude dad from their lives and pretty much ignore his existence. He says Wife #2 spreads lies about him and saying he cheated when she’s the one who cheated! She says he’s a drunk but she allowed my kids to see booze in the house! How dare she! She broke my family apart!

    Chump response: make nice home, break personal bank account and back to create and host wonderful family gatherings, publicly support husband and denounce Wife #2 as crazy bitch. Hide booze in the house and cover his tracks so he looks like an angel.

    Cheater response: LMAO! Got another sucker to believe me! Get smashed every fucking night, stay up late sexting anything with two legs, leave town on business and meet up with married sluts (they’re safer… they won’t tell, ha ha!!) ROFL!

  • When all you can think about is your dick, all your problems start to look like 20-year-olds….

    • “When all you can think about is your dick, all your problems start to look like 20-year-olds….”

      OMG that’s hilarious.

  • Problem: His boss was trying to be the boss of him and, when that didn’t work, put him on a performance plan.

    Solution: Do your job, be a professional, toe the line until you find another position.

    Cheater response: Lie to your wife, quit your job, hang out in the basement playing video games, and bang a Tumblr porn star.

    • Mine too. He was on probation and instead of shaping up, he retired (giving me three weeks notice). I found all of the documentation on my home computer (where he had his work info downloaded prior to retirement). The affair with his subordinate may have been a part of his work “problems”. That was in 2014… at the ripe old age of 58. I am still working.

  • Problem: You’re a rather gay man who’s also very religious, and while you don’t really want to explore the gay bit, you ARE worried that people will find out about it.

    Solution: Get a good group of mixed-sex friends, get busy, enjoy being religious, and learn to stop worry about being found out. Tell a few very trusted confidantes about the gay thing. Tell snoopers you don’t really feel called to marriage, because you can serve God better doing what you’re doing.

    Cheater solution: Select a series of slightly middle-aged and desperate religious single ladies, and get involved in long, avoidant, ambivalent dating relationships that start with hints of marriage and quickly fizzle out. String them along for years, while sneakily also wooing dating much younger girls who look up to you and who haven’t worked out the gay bit yet. Be completely unable to break up with anyone honestly, so find a lifeboat replacement pseudo-relationship and jump ship that way.

    • What is it with closeted gay men still cheating & leaving their wives for yet other women? Are they just misogynists and like to destroy women?

      • This guy has serious issues – he is a mess. I don’t hate him, but I wish he would get some help and stop using women. He doesn’t fuck them, but he fucks them over.

        He IS a misogynist, like his (ghastly control freak emasculating and infantilizing) dad, but acts all huffy when this is pointed out, because he opens the car door for ladies and picks up the check. And anyway he doesn’t fuck! Not like slutty people! He is a Good Person! And anyway, he pays for dinner!

        I did a lot of skein-untangling, and it wasn’t a complete waste of time – especially not as it got scarier the further in I went!

      • They love deception. They need to deceive. It’s what keeps the thrill alive. They don’t care who they hurt as long as they are gratified.

  • Problem: You’re a damaged guy whose dad cheated on his mom, and left you very screwed up from 10 years of wreckonciliation. You’re in love with a woman, but it’s triggering a lot of bad stuff for you. She leaves you because she’s sick of being hit and abused.

    Solution: Accept it, and move on after a suitable grieving process, and get some professional help to deal with the mother-rage triggers.

    Cheater solution: Wreckoncile with departed girlfriend, and then refer to this as the time she cheated on you. Cheat on her with her friends, and also with old female friends of your own. Continue hitting her and abusing her. Act surprised and hard done by when she leaves you again, this time permanently.

  • Problem: Overall dissatisfaction with life

    Chump solution: Look at what’s making you unhappy, seek out new fun things, talk to spouse about reconnecting, recognize that some stressful situations are temporary and will pass, talk to spouse about problems, work on improving self emotionally, lose some weight.

    Cheater solution: Work out more because having big arm muscles will make me a better emotional person, talk to sister (instead of spouse) who thinks like me and will reinforce my bad behavior plus she thinks she “knows” my spouse so we can manipulate her, seek out hookers because I have ED which I refuse to discuss with my wife, keep letting her think that her problems are the biggest problems in our marriage, never support my wife because then she might need me and nobody is the boss of me.

  • Problem: My boss made a sarcastic, unnecessary comment that pissed me off today.

    Adult response: This is the way she is. She is a bitch and the only thing I can control is my own reaction. Also she is this way to everybody. It’s not like I’m special.

    Cheater response: Go out and get so shitfaced that I can barely walk and fuck a stripper that I just met, because my boss has no right to be so mean to me and now I has a sadz.

    I currently live in the Upper Peninsula and it is beautiful, especially at this time of year. But the “beer culture” around here, which is just a euphemism for “rampant alcoholism” combined with a depressed economy and a bunch of people with no sense of consequences or the ability to think more than 10 minutes into the future, is why the above scenario occurred and one of the reasons that we are moving from here next week. I am going to miss the U.P. and my friends, but not the alcoholic culture.

      • We are in Ironwood, so everyone has convenient and easy access to all the bars and strip clubs in Hurley, WI. I asked DH to look around his favorite bar and tell me how many of the regulars holding down bar stools had happy marriages. No answer.

        • Although we’ve taken a few international trips and he’s starting to figure out that “normal” for Ironwood/Hurley isn’t necessarily normal. We went to Taiwan and we were walking around the streets when he suddenly exclaimed, “You know, everyone around here is having a good time and nobody’s stumbling around drunk.”

          I’m just thinking, “We had to fly to the other side of the world for you to figure out that that’s possible?” He wants to do right in life, but as long as we live here he’s always going to have those influences. I love my in-laws with all my heart, but they are all heavy drinkers with the exception of his uncle, who quit and everyone else he hangs out with drinks constantly.

          • I thought 3 years in jail and living in a new town would finally make him sober. Sadly it didn’t. He needs treatment and a willingness to change. Sadly the drinking culture is everywhere and binge drinking is seen as normal. I wish you all the best and I hope he gets help.

  • Problem: Cheater alienated everyone in his family and mine. And he was terminally bored.

    Adult Solution: Treat people better. Find hobbies and activities. Travel (we could afford it).

    Cheater Solution: Find an OW with a lot of kids, and big extended family, and try to run off with her and become part of her family. Spend years buying things, cars, motorcycles, moving house.

  • Problem: I’m not where I want to be professionally and financially due to decisions made by both of us, and things outside of our control. I’m almost 50 and feeling like I’ve failed. I deserve more, I’m special, mommy said so. Why isn’t it all just happening easily?

    Solution option 1: Talk to my wife about my insecurities, feelings etc., make decisions together. Talk. Be a team. After all, we’ve been together over 25 years and have never had problems. Actually, this is a common issue and happens a lot mid life. No shame.

    Solution option 2: Ignore wife’s requests for marital therapy, go to IC and lie. Then lie in MC to make wife shut the f up. Grab all control I can, tell my wife nothing about decisions I’m making that affect the whole family, ignore the crying and confusion that greets me when (if) I come home and find a direct report who thinks I’m a rich entrepreneur. Allow her to think my dick is an ATM machine (albeit a squishy one) and choose to believe hollow, totally ridiculous compliments over hard truths. Fuck her for 8 months and make my problems even bigger, lose respect of my kids, and become a punchline. Original problem is totally still there, just nastier and more complicated. End all my texts with smh and crying emojis.

  • Problem: I went through early menopause and it caused health problems and depression. I worked and full time and as per a court order was designated to pick my grand-daughter up two days a week at daycare and she lived with us part time. I paid all the bills.
    Adult Solution: Be understanding of wife’s early menopause and the health issues it caused. Contribute more money to the household bills. Help out with our grand-daughter and be more supportive.
    Cheater Solution: Restore a 1970 Dodge Dart. Refuse to put wife on his health insurance(cost to much). Cheat with wife’s cousin and slander wife’s name to cousin. Hide money in his parents safe. Sell 1970 Dodge Dart and stash the cash. Then blame wife for cheating.

      • Miss Bailey – me too, and identical Cheater Problem to me! Menopause over for me at 41. Chump Lady can you do a special on early menopause? Combined with male mid-life crisis and probable covert narcissism, Chumpdom almost inevitable!
        Hugs to MB and CuzChump x

  • Problem: NONE

    Adult Solution: Keep living our awesome upper-middle class life that we worked hard to build with two beautiful kids, a new four-bedroom pool home, lots of love and good sex, and tons of great family and friends with bbqs on the weekends and a wife that supports me whole-heartedly while I pursue my Masters degree and my very lucrative career.

    Cheater solution: Blow up our marriage and life for fresh sex with a blonde with big tits and a Bible, act like it never happened, blame it all on your wife having post partum 3 years ago and “reasons” and proceed forward without a glance backwards at the junk pile. Because your future looks so “bright”.

    • Unexpectedchuminess – Been there done that with a few revisions:

      Adult Solution: Support whole-heartedly husband all through 20-year military career – uprooting self and two children many times. Deal with total selfishness and entitlement during this period. Manage all family finances to ensure that “money burns a hole in his pocket” doesn’t ruin the family’s future. Make sure that husband’s three Masters degrees and Law degree are all financed properly so that he graduates from each debt free. Stands by husband after he almost throws law degree away in a temper tantrum and then finally, almost accidentally, gets a job in a very small law firm that continually underpays him. Try to give husband sound advice about career prospects and is told that I don’t tell him – it’s HIS career. Get blindsided after 35-year marriage and find out about divorce proceedings through credit card statement with his lawyer’s contingency fee on it.

      Cheater Solution: Be a narcissistic pain in the ass for the entire 35-year marriage. Be a terrible husband and father for the entire duration. Present self to outside world as Mr. Wonderful-Nice Guy. Only show true self to hapless wife, son, and daughter.
      Suddenly become extremely “religious” again and ramp up the fake sterling public persona. Make sure that wife is out of town watching baby granddaughter, go to high school reunion that he swore for years that he had no interest in. “Accidentally” run into class homecoming queen that he’s had an unrequited crush on and held a torch for all these years. Excitedly learn that she is now divorced for the third time and free!
      Immediately start over-the-top devaluation of wife with full-on blame shifting, gaslighting, you name it! Wife continues to be clueless for months despite increasingly bad behavior from him – kinda like a frog not noticing that it is being boiled to death in a vat of water. Not being able to “take it anymore” (after continually turning family life into a battlefield over the most insignificant things), don’t return to family home after a business trip. Instead send wife e-mail the next morning, (after wife had been driving around searching for him at 4 am once she realized that he hadn’t come home), with a link to an apartment complex and the words, “I guess that our 35-year conversation is over.”
      Could have knocked wife over with a feather. Secretly move in with now-girlfriend telling all that will listen that they are reunited high school sweethearts – which of course is a complete lie. Basically never talk to wife again – only communicate through very nasty, toxic, blameshifting, delusional e-mails. Culminate all with a ridiculously expensive divorce and take new wife vacationing all over the country and world.

      • Eilowy,

        I’m trying to pick my life back up but it’s super hard. I’m trying to trust that he sucks but he doesn’t really suck very bad, especially compared to all the other assclown cheaters on here. If he sucked more this would honestly be easier for me 😞. I try not to unravel the skein…but omg why? Why, why, why, why would anyone do that?

        • “I try not to unravel the skein…but omg why? Why, why, why, why would anyone do that?”

          To this day I just don’t get it. Our whole life and assets destroyed, for what?

          The disdain with which he treats me, you would not believe that we spent all that time together, went through so much, loved so much, made children.

          This fundamental lack of connection (Switch – OFF!) I will never understand, really.

          • Patsy,

            That’s all I can come up with too, the fundamental lack of connection switch is OFF. It has been super glued OFF. They paint that switch in neon colors and put glitter on it and a disco ball circles on top of it which makes you think that it’s ON somewhere in there. No. It is OFF. For good.

            It’s called narcissism. Cleverly disguised as “niceness” “charming” “caring” which gets them admiration, adoration and respect. All of which they don’t deserve. Biggest con artists out there.

            xoxo hugs to you.

    • And I thought I was the only one. Seriously, I make bank, am attractive, didn’t have him on a leash, loved to have sex …. and suddenly it wasnt enough and the past 17 years disappeared in the blink of an eye. His new very intense friendship w a co worker had nothing to do with it…..and he went straight textbook narc overnight. Wtf.

      • I wasn’t a great fan of sex but I did love the intimacy and loved giving him pleasure. I have several times now seen chumps commenting on their great sex life with ex, which kind of reassures me that it wasn’t just about the sex… Ex used porn, which frankly put me right off him for some time when babies were little, I’m not judgemental about people who do use it, but I do loathe the stuff.

  • Problem: Feelings are hurt

    Solution: Lets talk about it, help me understand.

    Cheater Response: Lock self in bedroom, sign up for hook-up sites, and watch porn for hours.

    Problem: Chump sets boundary that she will not ride on motorcycle because of cheaters reckless nature and reckless driving. Loss of license several times. With 3 young children, chooses not to take the risk.

    Solution: Tells pouty cheater that bought motorcycle after chump opposed purchase to enjoy himself on motorcycle. Cheater spends many weekends on motorcycle camping trips while chump takes care of house/children/bills/etc.

    Cheater Response: Go on vacation with brother, rent motorcycle, invite stripper on date to ride on motorcycle. Invite stripper to hotel room. Begin an affair with stripper because “your wife wouldn’t ride on your motorcycle!”

    Problem: Cheater couldn’t get mortgage because of 5 years of tax extensions

    Solution: Get accountant all documents necessary to complete taxes.

    Cheater Response: Cash out half of life savings to buy house cash, wait another 3 years for court to compel taxes. During that time spend as much money as possible and then cry poor to the court. Blame chump for taxes not getting filed which amounted to 300K in tax debt, much of which was from cashing out stocks to purchase house.

  • Problem: My wife put herself through graduate school with me obstructing and 2 preschool kids and has a much more well paying job

    Adult solution: Support wife and be proud of her accomplishments while enjoying the better financial situation due to well paying job with better hours, benefits.

    Cheater solution: Start screwing granny ho truck driver 13 years older than me. Lie, lie, lie, deny, deny, deny and gaslight. Throw in some abuse. Forge wife’s name to loans for family business. Avoid jail time. Continue to threaten and drag ex wife to court. Lie and gaslight some more to now teenage kids so they have a minimal relationship with their mother because I am mad she moved on.

    True story. Can’t make this stuff up.

  • Problem: Too many toys, books, children’s clothes in the house as Adult #1 juggles full time job & 90% of the parenting.

    Adult 2 SHOULD offer to take kids for a whole day so Adult 1 can sort through closets and the playroom for a Goodwill pile.

    Adult 2 actually: Seducing and banging a graduate student on her twin bed will distract me from the clutter in the house.

      • Yes! My post D-day smear campaign by Hannibal was largely centered around my being a “hoarder.”

        I’ve since realized that if that was the only thing he could say bad about me during our 24-year relationship, I must have been a pretty good wife.

  • Problem: Both of us have demanding jobs and don’t get to spend time together anymore. Wife feels like our emotional connection is diminishing.

    Adult Solution: Try to make an evening a week we can spend together and have a nice time, in or out of the house, sometimes with friends (I suggested this; there was always an excuse). Remind each other of the things we appreciate about each other.

    Cheater Solution: Chat all today at work with a married man who has five kids (and a pregnant wife). Sneak away for “work trips” with said married man. Become much more distant and unavailable; spend all hours at home “working” in the home office.

  • Problem: What to do with a house, land and 20 years of possessions after Affair discovery, discard and Divorce?

    Adult Solution: Talk with x about what is necessary to empty house, sell it/rent it and disposition remaining material possessions. Arrange date to separate possessions, box up and move/store/dispose/gift same. Go NC when fully cognizant of current reality. Rent storage container and store what is usable and non-triggering, sell/gift discard what is necessary to de-clutter life. Leave all remnant possessions of cheating wife in said marital home. Meet new people, return to physical & mental conditioning of 57 year old body/soul. Watch female reactions to HOT divorcee husband and begin to rebuild self-image and self-value. Reduce cost of living and enjoy music again. Learn to be Happy that Cheater is written off as disordered and not necessary for a Happy life. Stay away from sexual relationships and learn not to deposit hurt on other human beings.

    Cheater Solution: Move in with AP and begin triangulation with other APs & spouse. Visit quarterly to pick up mail/bills and relish new TRUWUV (of self) in front of suffering spouse. Don’t pay property taxes,bills,etc. Run up credit debt, buy new clothes and accessories, Align Switzerland daughter for moral support and alienate grandchildren from x-spouse. Rent house to x-spouses best friend for additional cheating money. Try to engage (gray-rocking) x-spouse every so often to test waters for reactions-negative or positive..

  • They don’t cheat because they have poor problem management skills, they cheat because they live life with a singular purpose: to do what they want when they want. This is anti-social and they know it so they build a fantasy around them for the benefit of others to maintain their image and continue doing what they want when they want. Everything that happens to them or near them, good or bad, is just a tool they can pick up for later use. They don’t really care if we supposedly wrong them, in fact I believe they prefer it, because what is more powerful than being a victim??? Nothing. And they can make themselves victim out of anything. I bought a kitchen trashcan and he rode that horse like he was a victim for months.

  • Issue: my career is starting to take off and I know that, generally speaking, men in my position look more mature and stable if they’re married, but I don’t want to give up all the fun stuff because I want to be 19 forever and drink and fuck around with no consequence.

    Adult solutions/options:
    1. Be honest with yourself and know that you don’t want to give up the single, party life. Just don’t let it affect your career.
    2. Grow the fuck up and realize that you haven’t been 19 in a few years now.

    Cheater solution:
    Go ahead and get married anyway and keep your single life on the side. Now you look like a nice stable family man without having to give up any fun. This way, you can have it both ways!

    When everything started coming out about his serial cheating, my ex straight up told me that he married me because I looked good and that made him look good. He said that I was “good for business.” Swear on my life. I’ll never forget those words.

  • Problem:
    I’m a 23-year old newled woman whose doting husband takes her on vacations to the Caribbean, takes her out on date night every week, and calls her several times at work every day. I “work” at a “job”/paid hobby 20 hours a week, and spend evenings at the beach.
    But, I have poor self-esteem about my body, and I think my mom secretly loves my sister more. I’m easily bored .
    Adult solution:
    Grow the f*** up. Become an actual “adult.”

    Cheater solution:
    Cheat with guys at work who are old enough to be my father, or even grandfather. Engage in gossip all day instead of doing what little work is required. Secretly rack up $9,000 in credit card debt (more than half her actual income for the year) without telling husband.

  • Sadly, I’ve learned that Eeyore (cheater ex) cheated on me throughout our entire relationship from dating through 7 years of marriage. I don’t even know how to identify that problem!

    Adult Solution: Break up with chump and don’t ask her to marry him?

    Cheater Solution: Ask chump to marry him. Continue cheating. Buy secretary boob job. Continue cheating until chump *finally* discovers.

    I really am glad to be rid of such a pathological liar. I feel like I’m closer and closer to meh each and every day.

  • Just reading everyone’s comments and had an epiphany.
    You see, I used to wonder why whenever a problem came up, the Worm would make the problem worse instead of fixing the problem. For example, we were driving on the highway once and traffic was horrible. He started yelling at me. Then the engine gave out, more yelling and he hit the windshield and knocked the review mirror off.
    I’m just relaxing that this seems to be a common thing with cheaters.
    A problem comes up and chumps try to solve it. Cheaters make it worse…..

    • Yep, they neeeeeeeeeed that centrality. They grab that spotlight by the ears and focus it right back on themselves. Must look shiniest at all costs, either by being the best thing or being the most important thing that requires immediate attention.

    • That’s because it gives them an excuse to do what they already want to do or are already doing.

      If they can’t find something wrong, they’ll invent something. That way, when their whores or anyone else asks why they’re cheating, they have a sad story ready.

      The reality is that they’re always going to do whatever they want because they literally feel just that entitled. That’s why the issues they use to justify their cheating only come out AFTER they’re caught. If they actually discussed it beforehand like a human being with an above room temperature IQ, it might give their spouse a chance to try to remedy the situation and they can’t have all that because it takes away their excuse and therefore their chance to have fun!

    • Ugh! I used to hate this! I could never be disappointed, frustrated, sad, etc. about anything that happened – missed event/traffic/death in family – without ex having a huge reaction that took up all the room.

      It felt like he left no space for the kids and I to have any feelings about things that happened. No wonder I felt like I had disappeared.

      Teaching kids now that they *can* take up space, their emotions – and mine – are allowed. It’s been a challenge.

      • Problem: The bathroom stinks. There is a cold yellow puddle on the floor in front of the toilet that appeared during the night. The house stinks.

        Adult solution: Clean up after yourself. Use the cleaning wipes conveniently placed next to the toilet to wipe down the toilet, particularly the outside. Wipe up the puddle in the morning. Keep a mat on the floor in front of the toilet and wash it regularly. Rake the cat box twice a day and change the litter when it smells bad or stops clumping.

        Lazy narc solution: Ignore any mess below knee level. Claim that the toilet smells bad because it’s poorly designed. Occasionally pour toilet cleaner inside the bowl only; don’t bother brushing it. Drop a mat on the floor in front of the toilet and leave it there until it turns yellow and the cat tries to bury it. Ignore the cat box, but complain about the scatter underfoot. Claim that you’re used to the smell and it doesn’t bother you, then run up doctor bills trying to diagnose why you snore and have trouble sleeping. Complain that your wife is a cold bitch because she moved to the spare room on the other side of the house.

  • Problem: I’m ‘cheater’ and its all about me and no-one is looking at me, did I say this is about me?? Why arent you looking at me, why arent you figuring out how to look at me, I want to be the centre of everything and did I say ME? ME ME ME ME ME ME – you are pathetic without me, I am awesome and you are only of some value because of ME!! Me me me me me…..

    Adult solution: grow the fuck up and start being a decent husband and father

    Cheater solution: Fuck co-worker many decades junior then blame wife when she discovers fucking, after all… cheater is the important one here and what he wants matters most, Co worker delivered mighty kibble package. And did cheater say …. me me me me me me me? You betcha!

  • Problem: I’m too special to hold a job and support my family.

    Adult Solution: Grow the fuck up. Get a job. Support your family.

    Cheater Solution: Not my problem. I’m going to spend all day on the computer “job-searching.” I’m going to spend all night upstairs “watching tv.” Make 50-year old, stay-at-home wife get a low-paying clerical job. Teenagers all work for minimum wage. Wife’s parents keep family afloat. Family headed for financial disaster. College costs money? Not my problem.

    Chump Solution: Obtained divorce. Everyone no contact with the sperm donor. We’re poor but free!

  • Problem:
    Chump just moved out on cheater and filed for divorce. Both chump and cheater’s lives are up in the air and financial lives have to be totally re-arranged.

    Chump (My) Solution:
    Rent furnished studio apartment in shitty neighborhood. Temporarily cut back on 401k contribution. Eat PB&J for lunch every day. Decline to attend three cousins’ weddings due to costs. Temporarily quit all drinking. Focus on eating, sleep, exercise, and steady workload in the office.

    Cheater (XW) solution:
    Continue living in marital home on one income. Go solo to Tahiti! Go on trips with OM! Get blackout drunk! Complain that Chump left me paying all of the monthly expenses. Rely on Chump to do taxes “married filing jointly” one last time.

    • What, why wouldn’t you do the taxes? I mean, since when does her cheating mean you get to stop being a useful spouse-appliance?

  • Problem: boredom.

    Adult solution: look around the house at all the things that need maintenance or repair and tackle some.

    Cheater solution: send flirty text messages to waitresses & underlings at work… or play video games for hours.

    • Oh goodness yes!!!! That is my life!!! But sometimes he watches football and plays games on his phone at the same time.

  • Problem: Financial stress and busy with toddler. Also just learned that we were pregnant again with dd.
    Adult solution: Go over expenses and try to work out some personal time together
    What actually happened:

    Husband started affair with co-worker. Delved further into financial distress because husband was spending our $$ on co-worker. Husband left me, pregnant, and toddler to play house with co-worker.

  • Adult: Vow to love, honor, and cherish till death do us part. Have children, create a family, build a legacy, build financial stability, act happy, make short term sacrifices for long term gain, plan together for the future, have each others’ backs.

    Cheater: Just Kidding!!

  • Problem: (In Mr. Sparkles voice): “I miss us. We need to talk more.”

    Adult Solution: Mr. Sparkles take the lead in planning a date, arranging for the babysitter, realizing that “effort” is sexy. Or just be waiting in the bedroom one night with a bottle of wine and candles lit so that when I’m done putting our son to sleep I feel desired as a woman.

    Cheater Solution: Mr. Sparkles plays Xbox in his office or is downstairs watching “The Walking Dead” while I’m putting our son to sleep… every night… and I go to bed alone.

  • Problem: Wife got a job and husband didn’t. After moving for said job, wife is suddenly dealing with the return of chronic health issues that have long been dormant and are challenging to both.

    Adult solution: Be happy for and supportive of wife! Since husband has been trying to get a job in his field for years and years without success, decide that it is time to consider another field and work full-time to support the family while continuing to look for that dream position. Be accountable and vulnerable in couples therapy; find ways to empathize with and care for wife while she is ill.

    Cheater Solution: Be angry at and resentful of wife–tell her not to talk about her job at home. Keep working part-time while wife is the lone/primary breadwinner. Blame her for her illness; refuse to show compassion, hug her, or ask how she is doing. Pursue a project that does not pay and apply to jobs in other states that will require wife to quit her job (after all, the husband is the husband). Travel constantly to exotic locales in support of the not-yet-arrived career; leave wife at home to work full-time and take care of the kid! Have an affair while going to couples therapy each week and pretending to work on the relationship. Abandon wife!

  • Problem: Moved to a new state and after 4 months being there, haven’t made any close friends.

    Adult solutions: Join clubs, get a job, meet neighbors and invite them over to hang out.

    Cheater solution: Sign up on Ashley Madison to find someone to have an affair with.

  • Problem: I’m bored, I have had this wife appliance for 38 years, I have become wealthy and successful. I need more sparkles and admiration and definitely more sex.

    Adult solution: I will address the way I feel with my wife and communicate my needs. We have a beautiful life together , I don’t want to mess this up.

    Solution: I’ll have sex with prostitutes when I am out of town on business and sometimes pleasure. For 20 years.
    My wife and family will never have to know, I get to have secrets and sex and the pleasure of keeping it alll compartmentalized.

    Wife appliance: No you don’t. We had plenty of sex. He had sex with woman the ages of his daughters. Yuck.

  • Problem: Unexpected late in life pregnancy (20 years married, 2 tweens)

    Adult Solution: Re-adjust future plans. Decide that life will still be good even if different than planned. Support wife through high risk pregnancy.

    Cheater Solution: stay out drinking until 1am. Be a no show for dinner, kids’ games and concerts. Start screwing the 23 year old girl that works for you. Lie to wife and raise her stress level. Walk out when wife is 6 months pregnant. Then play mind games for 4 months while trying to funnel assets and income through the 23 year old.

    • Well there’s a special place in hell for this cheater, that’s for sure. Turns a blessing into a nightmare–what an asshole.

  • Problem solving does not improve when they leave us- case and point:
    Problem: I find a small amount of pot in DS18’s room. He lies about it at first.

    My solution: Sit son down explain that he has broken the law and my house rules. Explain the consequences if he were to get caught by the police and how that could ruin his chances to play his sport in college in the fall. I repeat my opinions on pot and drug use. I tell him that lying is completely unacceptable to me and that the lie is the worst part. Because he has broken my rules and lied, I tell him he is not allowed to go to senior beach week. He is very disappointed but I follow through with punishment and incident is closed.

    Fuckwit solution: Upon finding out about the pot fuckwit sends me a had written letter and email that he is concerned that DS is not a casual pot smoker and that he is all in drug user. Fuckwit asks if we can talk civiily? I respond he is free to discuss whatever he wants with DS. Couple of weeks later, fuckwit tells DS that he wants him to get a drug test. (Sounds reasonable) DS does and is clean. 2 months go by and DS is leaving for college the following day. He has him come into his office when ds returns his car. He accuses DS of being a drug/user/dealer among many other things. He claims to know this because he has a gps on the car and he knows where he stops each day and that it is for the purpose of being and selling drugs. He says there is no way he could afford to eat fast food 56 times so he must be using drug money. (He had a job and there are many other explanations but fuckwit won’t listen) Fuckwit tells him that he will not be able to handle college and he will fail. Son tries to defend himself but fuckwit cusses at him and tells him to get the fuck out and escorts him out.

    Two days later after I have dropped DS at college, fuckwit sends me a scathing text that son is buying and selling multiple drugs and I need to step up and parent or my next hate game will be who is paying for DS’s funeral.

    (There is no evidence that son is a drug user/deale. He is a teenager in a world where I believe pot is common and readily available).

    • That is just awful! Talk about the Cheater wanting to make the problem worse! It’s like he took your son’s little hiccup as a reason to decide to write him off completely. And to run him down like that just as he (son) is setting off for college! Unconscionable.

  • Problem: the house wasn’t clean enough.

    Solution: talk about it. There are four people in this house, were any of your hands broken ?

    Cheater solution: go to work and have an ea. Tell the bimbo all your problems and about how your wife (who is letting herself go) doesn’t clean enough for you anymore!

    • My Cheater solution: you talk to my stepkids because I don’t want to clean either and I’m not going to be roped into the schedule. Plus, it’s your job, not mine (he never said it but we know he thought it).

  • Problem and not a problem: X’s kids live with us starting in 2009, DD was 14 and DS was 12. They had their own personal baggage and needed guidance and support.

    Adult/Chump: Be there for them. Listen to them. Make sure they get off to school. Do homework. Have a life/stay out of the trouble. Pick them up after sport practices, go to games. Make doctor and hair appointments. Do clothes shopping.

    Cheater: This is too stressful so I just won’t come home after work until about 9pm when Chump has already picked up her stepkids and made them dinner. I will stay at my sister’s house, out god-knows-where, or fucking (probably happened) – anything to avoid being stressed. Chump can do it all but she better not get mad or act stressed because then I will get stressed even more. Shit, now I need another beer just thinking about all this stress.

  • Problem:
    Life is a string of disasters caused by your irresponsible behavior.
    Examples: Get fired for being drunk at work, have serious head injury due to not wearing a helmet, have serious drug reactions (severe hypertension, passing out) due to self-prescribed performance enhancing medications.
    Adult solution:
    Stop the irresponsible behaviors (alcohol abuse, drunk driving, self-prescribing stimulants, not wearing a helmet, etc.)
    Cheater solution:
    Come up with “fixes” for each disaster, one by one: Self-prescribe ANOTHER medication to counter the side effects of the stimulants, sue your employer, sue your insurance company, hide income from said insurance company, the IRS, and your spouse because it might endanger your “disability” case, etc., etc. And WHATEVER you do, don’t change the root behaviors, because “over your dead body” does anyone tell you what to do…
    Notice I didn’t even include his cheating behaviors, because the above ones just illustrate how my Cluster B thinks, even outside of those. (The cheating ones were along the same lines: problem: what do you do with a pile of under the table money you’re hiding? answer: spend on a double life with hookers, of course.)

  • Chump: In busy family life appreciate the many blessings, treat each other how you like to be treated, make short term sacrifices for long term gain, plan together for a wonderful future, have each others’ backs, talk things through, act with integrity and honesty.

    Cheater: Rage and sulk when work is pressured. Feel entitled to unilaterally indulge yourself. Refuse to discuss choices /options. Lie about cheating with howorker.

    • Oops didn’t state the problem. Didn’t really know there was a problem other than his work was pressured and busy. Thought being grouchy was handling the stress not so well. Kept trying harder and hoping things would improve over time.

  • Problem: kids, jobs, schools, lots of people visiting, no time for quality family/marital events

    Chump: taking care of full time school, 3 kids most of the time, household chores, while staying in touch with husband via texts, making an effort to have romantic evenings, trying to discuss issues and problems

    Cheater: life is too stressful and I’m such a great amazing human being, that fucking interns, students, hookers or whoever is willing at the moment is perfectly ok( while avoiding wife and complaining of low libido due to the mess in the house- lie- or being overworked) lying gaslighting and getting abusive any time wife raises an issue of suspicious activity( leave me alone , focus on the family and making me happy instead, don’t interfere with my secret double life) complaining about nervousness in the house( made by my actions but that’s not the point) having unprotected sex and risking life of 5 people for years…

    But I did not fold the clothes in correct way;)

  • Problem: Bored. Aging. Underemployed. Wife is busy with life/kids/friends/hobbies/kickass career. Not enough attention left for cheater, even though he just wants to play Xbox all day long.

    Adult solution: go back to school? Get a better job? Get hobbies? Talk to wife?*

    Cheater solution: Fuck your alcoholic, suicidal coworker. So much drama! So exciting!

    *we did have this conversation less than 24 hours before he fucked her for the first time. In cheater world, all problems must be fixed in less than a day’s time.

  • Problem: Disagreement about political viewpoints

    Adult Solution: Agree to disagree and laugh it off knowing that humans aren’t meant to agree on everything OR discuss it again in the future and try better to understand each other’s viewpoints

    Cheater Solution: Try to convince partner that they’re a terrible person for their viewpoint, spend hours working to get them to change their mind and when they don’t pout for days and give the silent treatment because someone didn’t agree with your brilliance; spend plenty of time emailing your 21-year old AP during silent treatment to make you feel better about yourself

  • Problem: wife appliance not working as hard as she use to.
    Cheater Answer: Do less too. Wife appliance will step it up. After all 95/5 split is totally fair.

    P: wife appliance starting to make noise.
    CA: Go out drinking and partying more so WA feels more insecure. This will make her step it up.

    P: WA making loud banging noise.
    CA: Do a couple dishes. But WA better appreciate this and give me sex. Still go out partying regardless if I get sex. Can’t let WA think she controls me.

    P: WA falling apart.
    CA: Up the gaslighting, partying, drinking & cheating. I mean WA is such a downer now. She is NEVER nice to me anymore.

    P: Wife Appliance broke
    CA: Ignore wife appliance. (But not leave WA. Can’t let WA have peace or happyness) After all since I am the one who works everything is mine including WA.

    Adult Answer: Don’t be an asshole.

  • problem-Business I co own with my ex spouse owes money to suppliers and the tax office.
    Adult solution-Analyse figures with ex spouse, and oh, maybe a financial analyst to work out why debt is occurring. Adjust prices to be more realistic, make sure we are making the most of opportunities, increase markup on stock, create promotions. Repay debt while balancing cash flow
    Cheater solution- Refuse to discuss anything at all with ex spouse and business partner. Fly into( quite terrifying) rage, accuse her of badmouthing you. Create punishing debt repayment schedules without consulting ex spouse that means business cannot pay long suffering staff. leave for overseas holiday with OW and new fiance for 10 days knowing that no one, including ex spouse who is looking after children, will get paid that week. Fail to share that information. Surprise!
    Friends, DO NOT attempt to continue running a business with your ex. They are lousy partners in business, as in marriage. 2 months to go.

  • I don’t like getting older. The kids have left Home and they don’t seem to like me.. it’s all so hard & I’m an angry, bitter sad sack. Adult solution: seek help to address your personal issues and better your relationships. Cheater solution: invest in a wizz bang camera 📷 and take nude photos of desperate models. Blame the wife and anyone else for that matter. Sleep with your brother in laws friend. She’ll tell you how great you are so you feel justified in your thoughts, actions etc.

    Wife leaves. You move on. New family, no time for old one. But…. remember to character assassinate the mother of your ex and your children. Good job well done.

    Asshole

  • Problem: Married to a wife who earns a lot more money, does most of the parenting and great share of the household duties. Life is super busy. She gets stressed out, complains about it, always seeks solutions, shuts down, keeps trudging along on the hamster wheel. Marriage becomes disconnected.

    Adult solution: Take on a greater load so the wife isn’t working triple duty. Agree to proactive solutions to rebuild connection, such as marriage counselling. Help wife prioritize. Work on own career to advance own salary and prospects. Learn more about child’s disability and involve oneself in child’s therapy. Plan some fun for the family or with just the spouse to bring back spark. Discuss own dissatisfaction and concerns.

    Cheater solution: Bottle up own feelings. Stick head in the sand, forcing wife to pick up the slack. Deny, deny, deny when wife calls out that more needs to be done and that there is lack of effort. Shut down more when some attempts to do more aren’t acknowledged with fireworks of gratitude. Express no enthusiasm to plan any fun events for the family or engage in projects around the house. Blame wife for controlling everything. Accuse wife of taking the fun out of everything. Tell wife she was never really loved the entire marriage. Claim wife did nothing but emasculate the husband. Rewrite the history of the entire marriage so that he is the victim of a controlling and overbearing wife. Complain that he does not see himself reflected in his own home, isn’t parenting the way he wants, never gets a say in anything. Start emotional affairs with other women. Start hanging out more often with the single buddy who is divorced because he cheated on his wife. Start picking up women at bars when out with friend. Crash at friends place so that women can be taken back there. Carries on sexual affair with a woman for a year-and-half. Pretend to engage in marriage counselling with wife when affair discovered but secretly maintains contact with OW. Commit to working on marriage by all means necessary while really planning exit strategy. Leave marriage to be with OW and continue to lie to family that the relationship exists.

    • wait, did *I* write this?? Yes, yes, and yes. Except I found out about the affair while he was working out his ‘exit strategy’ (not sure it was ever going to happen, as that would mean loss of money and comfortable life) and kicked him out myself.

      Option, you know you’re better off without him. Sure, sometimes it would be nice to have that other adult around when you have to go in two different directions with the children, but you CAN do it all yourself. You were already. Keep on truckin’ and being the sane parent.

      • Thank you CYM.

        I was recently talking with family that I currently still maintain the same demanding career, still look after all the children’s needs, keep up contact with my STBXHs family (visits and birthdays), and now manage the whole house and finances myself.

        Yet, I feel the least amount of stress than I’ve ever felt in years. I’ve organized my entire house and purged. For the first time in 12 years, I can actually park my car in my garage as I finally organized it. My neighbours tell me the yard has never looked so good. I’m crossing things off on the list of household repairs and renos (there had been no cross off in a few years as I was putting ex through three years of full-time university studies). My home is a peaceful place. I’m feeling clearer-headed and confident about the direction of my future. I am so close in relationship to my children.

        The major variable that has changed is him being gone. I have no doubt that the few years he was engaging in an emotional affair with one of the mom’s at the kids’ school, then having a full-blown affair with the current OW, plus one-night pick ups or flirtations with others and all the porn-watching, caused such toxic negative energy in my home that it impacted on my mood, reactions and health. Even my B6 vitamin deficiency and imbalance in hormones has leveled out since he’s been gone. My doctor always said it is stress causing it, and I would go crazy trying to “de-stress” my life. Yet the whole time, the source of my stress was outside of me and outside of my control. It was underground in my own home beside me in my own bed. But, now it’s GONE!

  • Problem: INSERT ANYTHING

    Adulting: discuss problem and possible solutions. Take constructive action to resolve problem.

    Cheater: blame someone, rage, lie, fuck strange pussy, disappear

  • PROBLEM: Wasband is really unhappy at work and finds tattoos and muscles a turn-on. Wife is a bit hesitant about getting a tattoo (for reasons she can’t quite explain) and has given up doing weights since she started running marathons.

    ADULT SOLUTION: Wife takes on more work and cuts back on spending so wasband can go part time and the mortgage can still be paid (this part actually happened). Wasband decides that he can’t have absolutely everything he wants in his spouse and decides he’s got a pretty good deal as it is. Or even asks her to start lifting weights again in her 30 seconds of spare time.

    CHEATER SOLUTION: Go fuck a heavily tattooed weight lifter and blame wife for letting herself go. Do secret jobs and hide money from wife in concealed bank account.

    Wife is very glad she didn’t get a permanent reminder of wasband inked onto her body, and is learning to trust her gut.

  • Problem:
    The Limited, forever needing to relive the infatuation stage of a relationship lived a double life.
    Adult Solution
    Get a divorce.
    Cheater Solution
    Using every opportunity to pick up women and con them into feeling sorry for his shrinkage.

    I’ll never get why these OW believe they are so special. If a spouse cheats while married what expectations do they have once they are single. #married=single

  • Problem: Needing to decide which partner’s country to live in.

    Adult:
    -Establish whether either partner is unwilling to move.
    -If both are willing, discuss pros and cons of both places and make a decision.
    -If one partner is unwilling, be clear about this, and determine whether the other is willing to move. Then make plans.
    -If both partners are unwilling to move, decide whether to remain long distance or to break up.

    Cheater:
    -When your partner tells you that she wants to move to your country, but not while her ill mother is still alive, decide unilaterally that this means that she will never move. Tell her that you are sure of this anytime she brings up moving to your country.
    -Tell your partner that you want to move to her country, even though you are 100% sure you don’t want to.
    -When your partner calls you out on this, frame it as if you really want to move, but that you won’t because your partner is “complacent” and “just expects you to pick up and move” and therefore “it’s not a level playing field.”
    -When your partner’s mother passes away and she is free to move, suddenly get very gung-ho about moving to her country, while secretly cultivating a “friendship” with an old high school girlfriend in your own country.
    -As your partner commits more time and money into renovations, etc to prepare for your life together in her country, develop the secret “friendship” into a full-blown extracurricular relationship.
    -Pretend that your growing distance and disengagement is due to depression and financial stress, when it really is an attempt at eating cake for as long as possible while phasing your partner out.

  • Problem: Asked woman to marry you and she says yes and now you are newly married.

    Adult Solution: You do not believe this scenario requires a solution. You love and respect your spouse and look forward to building a life together.

    Cheater solution: Fuck a whore on your sports team! When wife finds out, tell her you did it because it made you very, very sad when said whore told you you “didn’t matter” because you were married. Then say it was because wife was crazy and jealous and drove you to it. Claim to be a sex addict who can’t help it. During this chaos, wife finds out she became pregnant prior to this shit storm.
    Throw temper tantrums and demand she abort. When she declines, refuse to work and provide any financial support to the family.

  • Problem: Have 2 kids under 2 while wife is really busy doing last year of school. My career is not where I’d like because we moved for wife’s schooling that I highly encouraged so she can earn more.

    Adult solution: Stick to our duties and help wife complete schooling so we can build a foundation for our family.

    Cheater solution: Rage and abuse wife, Leave country with the 2 kids ‘temporarily’, immediately move in with ho, screw wife over financially, divorce and completely alienate wife from her 2 children for 12 years so they now hate her.

  • So……I just hit “unfriend” on my soon to be Ex’s Facebook page. I feel awful. Why is that? It’s the right thing to do. God I wish I had a real person to talk to…..this has been the worst month of my life. If the judge signs the uncontested divorce soon I’ll have gone from D Day to divorced in a month.

    Looking for a support group in town…but they don’t start for awhile. Have a therapist but it just can’t help enough quick enough. In so much pain and he’s still lie’s to everyone…..and he get’s away with it.

    I’m so sorry for posting this here…just needed to get this out in some way. He’s supposed to be out of the house by the 21st. God I hope he is…and at the same time don’t want him to go. I’ve got two brains…thank the heavens I let the non-emotional let’s get this done get me through most of the month.

    It that why I’m crying now? Again? thought I was over this.

    • How could you be over it? It’s been a MONTH. Take it easy on yourself. The legal divorce is just paper. The big work is inside you – betrayal is a painful thing. you don’t bounce back from it quickly. Go to the forums and if you want to talk to a real person I will give you my phone number. I’m 1.3 years out from Dday and got divorced on Tuesday. Still feeling the pain but getting better every day (and it’s not linear, wouldn’t that be easy??!)

    • Sweetheart you did and are doing the right thing all the way. You’re upset because you’re a real human being with a real warm heart. There are a look many things feeding into how you feel right now but trust the veterans of Chump Nation – IT DOES GET BETTER
      Much love and hugs to you right now x

    • The longest distance is between the head and the heart. I feel your pain sweetie. Everyone here does. Your heart will catch up.

      Chump lady would be so proud of you. D-day to divorced in a month? Bravo! You are that much closer to meh. Hang in there. You are beautiful inside and out. Your cheating pig of a husband and the other woman want to be like you but never can be. They are ugly inside and out.

      Believe me he’s not getting away with anything sweetie. He lost a good woman with a good heart now the has the scummy relationship with a woman who opens her legs to a married man. Both are disgusting human beings. Nothing good will come of it. Nothing.

      • The part of me that I take to work every day took over……I am the breadwinner of the family. There has always been a reason why he couldn’t work — he’d get a job and he’d get sick, or he wanted to start his own business etc. We couldn’t have bio kids so we adopted a wonderful boy with some social / emotional special needs. He was supposed to get a job when son went to school. He did, but always under the table and always kept all the money he earned…plus charged the cards to the maxed. So…business me realized there was a “shelf life on guilt” and I didn’t want to pay alimony to a creep who cheated on me and could work. Plus I would have no money to do anything with my son, would loose the house etc. Totally rock his world and potentially cause him to have problems at traditional school and end up back at a special program…which only focuses on behaviors, not teaching them anything.

        The separation papers were signed in two weeks (one of which I was figuring out how / what I wanted and could give up….basically my negotiation strategy) and the divorce papers the following week. NY has a ‘no-fault’ divorce…and since we are filing uncontested the judge just needs to sign. Still at risk, he could change his mind about the alimony, the judge could call him an remind him he’s giving up $40K for 15 years…just have to keep my fingers crossed that he just signs. I will admit I was still a chump, agreed to give him things I shouldn’t have. I actually worried about how he would afford to live while he looked for a job. Just confirmed he’s moving in with her (duh) and has yet to admit it. Tells me she has an apartment attached to her house….MO property records tell me it’s a single family dwelling with three bedrooms and two baths. He things I’m stupid…..and while I’m a chump I’m not stupid outside of letting him in my life and taking 35 years to figure it out.

        • Oh, I forgot…and I’m venting..while he was the ‘stay at home dad’ he made dinner M-F.

          I was responsible for: everything with my son if I was home, the laundry, getting the groceries, any real cleaning, the dishes, buying all gifts for birthdays / holidays (son, my family, his family), taking son to doctor when sick, arranging for meetings with the school, making all the money, and paying all the bills. All of which I did with a smile on my face while earning promotion after promotion at work….working hard to be a good provider. He made those dinners for about two years…..then it fell to me to figure out what I could whip together or bring home for dinner.

      • Look on the upper righthand side of this page. Next to “Contact” you’ll see “Forums.” Follow the directions to join….It’s an incredible space for sharing, feedback, and support.

  • Problem: It ( the relationship) got a bit too serious (after 40 years)!
    Adult solution: work WITH wife to have some more fun times together.
    Cheater solution: Buy lots of cars for yourself, go on lots of trips, have multiple affairs and tell your wife “ YOU were supposed to be winning ME back”

    • The Python bought lots of motorcycles and went on motorcycle destination trips.

      Aren’t flashy cars and fast motorcycles just penis extenders?

  • PROBLEM: I don’t feel work sees my absolute greatness, I should be CEO. As well as that, my wife doesn’t look like a Chanel model and tells me I am lacking in some departments (self absorption, zero reciprocity).

    ADULT SOLUTION: Go to therapy and face my depression is based on unrealistic grandiose expectations, learn to change the way I think, recognise with gratitude that in fact I am deeply fortunate and work on become a better human being with deeper and richer relationships.

    CHEATER SOLUTION: Spend the family into a coma on feel good toys and fuck the co worker I manage who tells me I am magnificent, whilst despising and lying to the bewildered Ball and Chain who must nonetheless as a wife appliance, keep it all together.

  • Problem: Several close relatives have all been recently diagnosed with serious diseases, resulting in their loss — all in a short amount of time. AKA: Life happens.

    Adult solution: Batten down the hatches and do whatever it takes to weather the storm. Make adult decisions and plans to ensure that things go as smoothly as possible for everyone involved. Lean on each other for support. Come together with family and friends to help and support each other. Understand that this is a temporary situation, and things will get better. Start planning for brighter days.

    Cheater solution: Ignore problems. Dump friends and family. Find a distraction in a new fuck-buddy. Decide that this person he just met is his tru wuv. Blow up old life. Start new squeaky clean life where everything is unicorn and rainbows and nothing bad ever happens. AKA: Avoid adulting.

  • Problem: Cheater was constantly traveling in “business” travels & “tempted” to cheat. According to cheater “we grew apart”. (never got memo). However he kept celebration anniversaries, BD etc & saying: ” I am glad/happy to be home & in my bed”

    Adult solution: Take ownership of his errors/choices and say the truth from day 1 & let me & my kid enjoy an honest & happy life.

    Cheaters solution: Play a double life for over 6 yrs without me knowing. “TEMPTED” to create accounts in Tinder, screwing howorkers, high school friends from FB & use corporate cards to finance his adventures. No worries he was honest with whores by saying he will not ruin his kid “stability” forget about wife since she was an appliance. Now he has an “honest” life and lives with howorker.

  • Problems: Deadline for moving & renovation of house near.
    Short on finances.

    Adulting: Prioritize properly, work your butt off & get your work done!
    Be consciously frugal & deligent with finances during tight times.

    Cheater Solution: Wife can do all painting and cleaning of old & new homes, packing & moving. Then she can frantically find help to complete my tasks while caring for our young children. I can procrastinate & avoid tasks I promised to do & then take off on work trip to Los Vagus the week before deadline. I can use credit cards to get cash for entertainment & prostitutes. I can blame my wife for creating all the stress in my life that pushed me into arms of other women.

  • Third wife just delivered your 5th child (her first child), and that child is getting all the attention you feel you rightly deserve.

    Adult solution: grow the fuck up. It’s not all about you.

    Cheater solution: fuck a porn star with pseudonym “Stormy”.

  • Problem – First grandchild was due to arrive in October 2016. This shouldnt be a problem at all and is exciting for both of us but our son about to become a parent himself means that cheater then realises that we are getting so old and time is apparently running out. Things have also become quite boring and mundane. Not enough sex and it is pretty routine and predictable. Hectic full time work schedules for both, still have an adult daughter at home saving money to move out and we each have elderly parents to regularly check in on and help.
    Adult solution. Love the fact that we are about to be grandparents and plan a trip interstate shortly after babys birth to help new parents out. Cook and clean and be as supportive as possible. Appreciate our beautiful family, our jobs, the fact that we are alive and healthy and still only in our early 50’s. Value the fact that we have our 76, 78 and 80 year old parents still here. Understand that we will be empty nesting soon and we wont always have our parents here and that we can have some more couple time soon and into retirement. Start to plan some fun activites to do together to bring back the spark as recognise have not been making us a priority as a couple.
    Cheater soution. Begin an affair with ho worker just prior to grandbabys birth. Be cold and distant on the roadtrip down to see baby and tell wife on this trip that you have bought a $16k brand new motorbike that you will be picking up as soon as we get home. Insist on holding grandbaby first. Must also get to the gym on first day we arrive to get a 2 week pass. Spend every day of the trip going to the gym until become injured on the treadmill and then be angry and upset as now on crutches. Do not help with cooking/cleaning but do buy a lot of motorcycle gear to take home. Alternate between contempt, raging and being quiet and withdrawn during this time and then for a number of months afterward including babys first christmas. Ride new motorbike separately to xmas day celebrations at family member’s home and get there very late due to ‘having a sleep’. Also leave xmas holiday period a day early for ‘golf’. Get busted in affair in Feb 2017 and the behaviour all makes sense then . Cheater solution at that point is to leave wife of 30 years as “i am on a new path now” move over 2000 kilometres away with schmoopie just before adult son, partner and grandson move back to our city. Be okay with leaving everyone including elderly mother because there are visits back every 6-8 weeks to have the image of a great guy checking in on family without all that pesky routine and boring shit. No worries about waiting for empty nesting either as is in a new nest with schmoopie without any of that pesky wife or family requiring anything.

  • Issue/problemS:
    ✓ income is always dependent upon wife’s monthly income
    ✓ Sponges/mooches/lives off of wife for years before I finally establish myself as a truck driver and can *finally* match wife’s income and *finally* start contributing more to household expenses and family’s financial situation
    ✓ is a step dad to two “little bastards” but secretly resent them and am jealous of them
    ✓ unemotional, lack expressiveness towards anything, can never articulate feelings, doubts, resentments well
    ✓ does not contribute to household chores, but bitches and whines when wife doesn’t do anything
    ✓ spends money frivolously on my own desires, but bitches and whines when wife says she can’t afford to buy herself anything with her income because she’s using all of her paycheck to support the household
    ✓ hates his family, but feels abandoned when family members die, even though he hadn’t been in touch with them for years…then gets even more angry when he doesn’t get anything from their estate when they die
    ✓ has several social media accounts bitching and disparaging wife, and keeps wife blocked from all, but not her friends and family to see everything
    ✓ lies to wife constantly, about anything and everything
    ✓ goes out all night without a text or call letting wife know he’s safe, or checking in household/family
    ✓ continues to not contribute to household, even when working
    ✓ leaves all parenting and care of autistic child to wife, but lie to everyone as if he is doing it all

    Adult Solution:
    A. Come clean, confess all, leave with honesty and clarity with wife
    B. Sit wife down, express all issues, ask for open honesty about status and future of marriage

    Cheater Solution: set wife up to read live and in color a Facebook private message with OW in which Cheater says he’s leaving wife soon, he’s not happy, etc. AND WATCHES ON HIS PHONE WIFE FIND OUT (D-DAY) VIA HIS WEB CAM ON LAPTOP

    Yes, this is what he did.

    ✓ talks divorce terms while wife is in surgery recovery room from total abdominal hysterectomy and hernia repair surgeries, vows to never pay child support and expects 50-50 shared custody
    ✓ move out on Saturday, two weeks after wife’s surgeries, but come back on Thursday saying he loves wife, sorry he hurt her fakes reconciliation efforts—- plays “wreckonciliation” in order to have hot water — he didn’t have the money for his slut shack to get the gas turned on for his gas water heater
    ✓ continues to lie to wife, makes no effort to improve marriage
    ✓ does nothing to help with parenting special needs child
    ✓ contributes nothing to household, but still expects food, laundry, and entertainment
    ✓ gets pissed when wife catches on to fake wreckonciliation, GTFO day before he has money to pay gas company, has to go back to his slut shack and take hot showers at the truck stop
    ✓ two more wreckonciliations with wife while dating OW, swears to wife there’s no one else, even though wife has found out on her own about OW
    ✓ OW finds out truth, but continues to date him
    ✓ he goes to lawyer, admits he will have to pay child support and wife will have total primary custody, he has to pay for the divorce in full, wife refuses to sign unless every single thing she asks for is out in divorce, he agrees
    ✓ divorce is final, marries OW less than sixty days later

    ✓ wife (chump/me) gets her freedom and moves to MEH-topia and lives happily in no contact/grey rock

  • Oh, Molly. You’re some kind of Mighty. I agreed to two wreckonciliations, the first because I thought once I’d told him he was in love with her, not just friends, he’d be horrified and sort himself out (me= naive, trusting, committed, him= emotionally witless?/a machiavellian cake-eater? Still don’t know), the second because he told me he loved me, wanted me, would fight for me etc. There’s a kind of mighty where you slam the door on the first D-Day, and another mighty where you do your fecking best to reconcile. The second is after all the pick-me dance, but at the time we don’t know it. Thankful and glad you’re a citizen of Meh now. X

    • Exactly Artist!!!!
      I viewed the wreckonciliations with double-vision: one view was “I know he’s lying to me, I know he’s full of shit, but I’m going to play along to make the divorce easier”; the other was “I need to go to sleep every night knowing I did all I could on my end to make this work, until I can’t”
      Thankfully, he cracked his facade quickly and I had my GTFO day quietly… The ensuing wreckonciliations were more like blips on my radar 👍😀

  • Problem: I’m bored with my life and am not where I thought I’d be career wise.

    Adult solution: talk to wife about dissatisfaction in life instead of blaming in on the marriage; spend time together and find hobbies that are not alcohol. Finish my degree and get a new job; spend more time with kids. Go to counseling. Get out of the house and do things. Realize with your own house, 2 kids, good income and wife who lets you do whatever the fuck you want you have it pretty good.

    Cheater solution: drink yourself stupid every night. Ignore wife and kids to sit in computer room all night and flirt with a 20 year old with a shit job cause it makes me feel like he-man-women-saver. Complain about the kids doing anything above silence. Tell wife if she were skinny and kept up with the laundry you wouldn’t have marriage issues. move out of the house to take 20 year old on dates while wife continues to go to work and take care of kids on own. Move back and blame wife for everything while doing nothing to fix it. Make sure you yell at her for being depressed because it makes it hard for you to move on after having to leave 20 year old.

  • I tripped over this blog today and wondered if others had done so as well.

    Tracy – I’d love to read your thoughts. I haven’t gotten through all of his letters to shitty husbands, but I scrolled down and chose this one as being the one most like my FuckedUp Unicorn.

    https://mustbethistalltoride.com/

  • Problem: I want to be treated like a rock star and my wife is too busy with our young kids and her mother who was just diagnosed with cancer. How dare she leave the kids with me for the whole day while she travels out of town to take her mother to chemo?

    Adult solution: Grow up, be supportive of my wife as she deals with this, remember my wedding vows (for better or for worse) and help my wife through this difficult time. Take this opportunity to reconnect with my kids and do some fun things with them. Ask my wife what else I can do to help.

    Cheater solution: I’ll show her, I’ll make lunch for myself while she’s gone and “forget” to feed the kids. They’re 4 & 6, they ought to be able to fix their own lunches by now anyway! Next time she needs to help her mom, I’ll whine constantly about how much I have to do, until she gets frustrated and hires a babysitter for the day. Ha, I won, and it only cost $80! And next time I go out of town on business, I’ll take off my wedding ring and go out to bars to meet women who will appreciate my awesomeness!!

  • Problem: cheater getting worried about aging and financial pressures.

    Chump solution: become fiscally responsible with a budget and plan one fantastic vacation a year.

    Cheater solution: old boy buys a Harley and starts dressing like a wanna be biker and fucks ugly skank ho worker who agrees to pay for Harley. She buys a pink scooter to ‘ride’ with him. Bwahahaha

  • >